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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Blackwood Wool Blend Jersey Jacket

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. nordstrom-sale-classiques-entier-bllackwood-jacketNordstrom has started a big clearance sale (now through 2/22) and there's a ton of great stuff for the taking. I'll do a roundup later this morning, but right now I'm loving this blue wool/jersey blazer from Classiques Entier — it looks cool, well made, and for $148 (down from $298) it's a great deal. Classiques Entier® ‘Blackwood' Wool Blend Jersey Jacket Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

201 Comments

  1. I’m threadjacking-I’m leaving my job. I want my last day to be Feb 27. I was planning on giving my notice this Friday, but my boss is traveling for work. Should I call her to tell her to give her the most time, or shoudl I wait until she’s back in Monday?

    1. Bite the bullet and tell her today before she leaves for the trip – it’ll save you the anxiety.

      ETA – Sorry, it’s not clear if your boss is already traveling or is leaving on Friday. If she is already traveling, AAM usually says its best to do these things in person, in which case it could probably wait.

    2. Yay! Great Jersey Jacket, Kat, and I love the color! I hope Rosa can go over to Nordstrom’s to look at it. I am a littel worried about the color fadeing, which a blazer I had in this color once did, but it IS a great deal!

      As for the OP, yes, give the boss as much notice as possibel. She realy does NOT need for you to have a FACE to FACE to tell her your leaveing. If you want your last day to be Feb 27, make sure you give notice ASAP, and NO LATER then Friday the 13th (FOOEY on that date!) I hope you have a better job lined up b/f you go. There are all to many storie’s about peeople who leave their job onley to go to another place where the boss is a total doosh! DOUBEL FOOEY on bosses like that. I had a guy like that when I was a process server, who was like the littel guy on Taxi, Louie. All he did was stare at my boobie’s and grab my tuchus as I walked by his desk. What a total DOOSH!

      Anyway, Myrna is not happy that I am NOT goieng to date her brother romantically. I told her I would be embarased about talkeing about what we would be doeing together and I realy do NOT think Myrna should even talk about her brother and what he might want to do sexueally with a woman like me. Beside’s I do NOT find him sexueally attractive. I could never fathom him huffeing and puffeing on top of me with his winkie and all. TRIPEL FOOEY! But I would NEVER tell her that. Myrna’s brother continue’s to text me. I wonder if Myrna told him about Donald, the new teck guy. He is also texteing me. All of a sudden there are 2 guys in my life while a month ago, I was thinkeing about Alan Sheketovits and NEVER haveing a boyfreind again after him and his silly behavior! I guess when it rain’s it pour’s! YAY! But right now, I have to figure out whether Donald is worth realing in like a fish. I do NOT want to find out he is a looser, but it was a good sign that he left without even trying to grab my tuchus or rub up against me like most guy’s do. He actualy talked to me like a person, not a sex object. He was impressed that I was an attorney at law, duly admitted and in GOOD STANDEING with the Supreme Court Apellate Division of the State of New York! Even I am impressed that I have acheived this as well as being a PARTNER in a boutique law firm in Manahattan! YAY!!!!

      I will play it slow with him, and will NOT let him do anything sexueal with me until I can be assured that he will be the father of our children. I do NOT need another Scheketovits makeing me do things with his winkie I was NOT comfortabel doeing, then walking away drunk. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      1. She’s already gone, she left last week for the trip; I thought she’d be back today, but her trip is extended

  2. This seems like such a basic question, but where do you take phone interviews that happen during the workday? I work on a bullpen-style trading floor, so going into my office and shutting the door isn’t an option. Go outside? It’s 10 degrees and a noisy city. Am I missing an obviously solution?

    2. Is there a local college or library that you could go to? Maybe get some type of a ‘group study’ room?

      I’m assuming it’s not an option to sit in your car and take the interview? I have done that before.

      1. +1 I’ve done one in my car and scored a second, in person interview so it couldn’t have gone that badly

    4. I have this problem too. I personally have no other option but to go home and take it there.

    6. Empty conference room?

      Single stall bathroom on another floor?

      Nearby friend’s office that actually has a door and four walls? Or a conference room that you can borrow from a friend?

    7. I use my car, but when I worked in the city and didn’t have that option, I would say I was leaving for an appointment, and would go to the library or the mall.

      1. Or any nearby building that still has old-school phone booths. The local courthouse close near my old job had these. Most of them didn’t even have phones in them any more, but they still had the tiny little room.

    9. I always reserved a conference room at work and block the calender as private appointment.

      1. Do any of you ever worry that conference rooms are being recorded?Maybe I’m just too Big Brother, but I’m always paranoid. (Maybe it’s just interview guilt.)

        1. Wow…that never crossed my mind. But I don’t think conference room conversations get recorded.

        2. I think it depends on where you work. I’m not in any way worried about this, but that’s because I work at a law firm. It would be against everything a law firm stands for to record meetings (and as an attorney, i think it is always the stupidest think to do by any company).

    10. I’ve scheduled for first thing in the morning and taken the call from my car in a nearby parking lot, and told my bosses I would be in late after an appointment. I’ve also “had to take a late (or early) lunch for an appointment” when it was an appointment for a phone interview that I took from a car.
      Even if you wind up in a coffee shop, as long as you can hear the interviewer and they can hear you I’m pretty sure most people understand this isn’t ideal in the middle of your work day.

    11. Check to see if there are any co-work spaces near your office? Sometimes they have conference rooms/meeting rooms you could rent for a small fee if you really want to make sure you have privacy. Like Impact Hub in the bay area, but there are many of these kind of places in most cities these days.

    12. Just wanted to commiserate because I have no suggestions. I have a private office but I had a videoconference interview yesterday and I had to shut down my email, put my cell phone on vibrate, set myself to “busy” on a couple things, set my phone to “In a meeting” and put a note on my door that I couldn’t be disturbed. Even then, one of my colleagues came up to my door in the middle of it and I know he was dying to just come in and sign a letter that he knew I needed him to sign. Luckily, he resisted. But I felt like I was having to take Herculean efforts to have a private conversation without being ok with being interrupted.

    13. Can you schedule it early or late in the day and do it from home? It’s critical that you can be heard clearly and are away from any distractions. If you have any lawyer friends at law firms, you can go there and grab a free conference room, too.

  3. How to style a red dress to make it work-appropriate? Jumping off a recent CapHillStyle post, I bought the BR Sloan sheath in red and want a blazer to wear on top. Is black really too harsh?

    1. I’d wear with a navy blazer and nude pumps. Maybe a little “4th of July” but I’m not a fan of black and red together

    2. I think that gray works better with red, perhaps a darker/charcoal shade for winter. Or chocolate brown can look really nice with red.

        1. Red dress (from Target, I think recommended on thiss*te), camel blazer, nude fishnets, and leopard print pumps is one of my go-to work outfits. I’ll wear amber or gold jewelry with it.

          1. ahh yes…a good way to do black and red together would be to throw in a leopard print to bring in some camel. how cute!

      1. Or if you want to look like a black widow spider. Some days that is what I am going for with my outfit.

      2. Black and red look good with a dash (or more) of white. White belt, white bag, white scarf. Pick one or more.

          1. I love how it’s always the Anonymi who start posts with “not to be mean but…”

          2. That was me, my work clears cookies every night. I actually meant that I was not trying to be mean, I wasn’t trying to be snarky or however you took it.

    5. I have olive skin (light though) and brown hair that’s grey-ing. I wear red and black all.the.time. I also add in grey sometimes.

      I prefer that to the red/navy.

      Perhaps you can try red and purple (both in the same intensity of color). I love that.

      Red and camel/your preferred brown also works, especially with gold tone jewelry and/or belt.

  4. I’m in the market for new glasses. The only hitch is is I’m of East Asian descent and have an extremely low nose bridge and high cheekbones, so the vast majority of glasses slide right down my face. I’d like to avoid getting frames with nose pads if possible. Is it impossible to find plastic lenses that will stay on my face without smashing into my cheeks and/or eyelashes?

    TIA!

    1. Yes, they make them. If you go to a store you can ask if they have ones designed for sale in asia/to asians.

      I got glasses recently from a store located in chinatown (and thus, they carry a higher percentage of those designs) and the clerk offered them to me (but I opted for ones with nosepads).

      1. Yes. I know Coach has an “asian fit” line, but there are others. You can also often order plastic frames in two sizes – I have a Ralph pair that is extra small, though they required some bending to fit perfectly.

        1. Thank you!! I didn’t know about this and it looks like exactly what I was looking for.

  5. I’m very new to the workforce; I just started work this year. What are the most common mistakes that young employees make? Other than dressing inappropriately; I think I’ve got that covered.

    1. Telling inappropriate stories or revealing wayyyy too much about their personal life. On a deeper level, I think not connecting your work to the larger company goals. Get educated about your company and it’s financial performance, and long-term strategy, if possible. Sit at the table when you are at a meeting. Don’t be afraid to voice a (well-informed) opinion if you have one.

    2. Thinking that certain tasks are beneath them due to their awesomeness. It’s a fine line, because you don’t want to get stuck with tasks that really aren’t your responsibility.

    3. Thinking that “dressing nice” = work appropriate. If your outfit is one originally purchased for a wedding, going out, other dressing up occasions, etc., think long and hard about whether it can be styled to be work appropriately. I cringe when I remember the number of outfits I wore as a summer associate that I though could be multi-purpose … but were clearly not work appropriate.

      1. I was thinking about this the other day. When kids are younger than 18, we tell them that “dressing” means suits for boys and nice dresses for girls. And then when they enter the workforce, “dressing” is still suits for young men, but young women are magically supposed to know that it means business appropriate (suits or equivalent) and not nice dresses anymore for them. Perhaps this is generational (I was in high school in the early 1980s) and now we teach girls differently, but it was news to me while job searching in college.

        1. I think that a lot of dressing nice <18 is for fun social activities (weddings, prom).

          Maybe bring out that there is dressing nice for somber activities (funeral, court (as participant)) and dressing for work (different things if you are McDonalds worker v fancy restaurant waitstaff v person at bad wing chain where the servers wear orange shorts over nude hose))?

        2. I don’t think it’s generational but I do think there is class bias – or at least bias towards having a female white collar role model.

          1. In my environment, that could also be generational. Both my parents graduated (in the late 1959s) from a public ivy. My father went to medical school. My mother got an MA and a PhD in humanities from the same university (her father wouldn’t pay for medical school, and she could get aid for humanities but not medicine).

            So when I was growing up in the 1970s, I had a female role model who was extremely well-educated (and had worked as a school teacher until I was born), but the fact that she was not a white collar professional wasn’t because we were in a lower SEC. It was because of when she was born.

        3. I totally agree. I’ve found this really difficult. Neither of my parents works a ‘corporate’ job with suits and so on so I can’t really go off what my mother wears. Luckily it turned out that someone who lives on my road who my mum knows through aerobics (as you do) works for the same company I interned at (though in a different division and region) and my mum asked her about my worries for me (without my asking her to!)

        4. I once read – don’t remember wear – a really interesting and poignant story about a college girl who died; all of her friends came to the funeral in black dresses, but in black party dresses because they were too young to have black work dresses or specific funeral clothes. There is definitely a perspective shift as you grow up.

          1. I remember seeing this at my college 9/11 memorial service – all the girls were in cocktail dresses, because that was all they had in black.

          2. My sorority (cringe!) always told us to have an appropriate funeral dress at hand.

    4. Acting like you should be entertained by work – you’re paid for a reason so just work hard and be enthusiastic about the work you’re doing whether you feel it in your heart or not.

    5. Not understanding/appreciating/seeking feedback. I cringe when I think of my younger self and how resistant I was.

    6. I don’t know about most new employees, but I struggled with wanting change/responsibility/etc. to happen NOW. When you’re fresh from school, a semester is a long time. In the work world, depending on office culture, four months can be the blink of an eye.

      Relatedly, I also had trouble keeping perspective when I was on deals that involved really long hours/annoying clients. Now that I’m 10+ years in, it’s easier to tell myself that I can make it through. In my practice, I’ve seen many young associates self-destruct in the middle of a tough deal and do something that kills their chances at my firm (e.g., going dark and not responding to emails) or jump to another job really quickly without thinking things through.

      1. Such a good point in your first paragraph. It took me a few years before I got out of school mode and stopped feeling like, “September! Time for a promotion!”

    7. My two biggest mistakes starting out were: not respecting experience and/thus not asking enough questions. Older workers might seem fusty and out of it when you’re young, but they often know a LOT if they’ve been doing something a long time. Not responding well to criticism was another (that one I’m still working on…)

      1. And experience is anyone with more experience than you. That person three years older than you that is also at the meeting with the senior person, and then comes to your office to explain further? Is senior to you and has probably been told to supervise you. She’s a resource, but she should also be respected as someone higher than you in the chain of command.

        As is being rude to people with jobs that don’t require as an advanced degree. Rude to the administrative staff? Rude to the cleaning people? People notice and will judge you accordingly.

    9. Expecting people to tell you what to do to succeed. Entirely depends on your office, but the switch from firm deadlines with clear project/paper goals and expectations to being expected to “make myself useful” was a cold shock. Even going to a supervisor and saying “can I help with any projects?” didn’t get me very far. I had to learn how to figure out what was important, what would help the organization, and what the hierarchies of the power structure/power expectations were without anyone explicitly telling me anything.

        1. ETA: Wow, sorry for the novel.

          By getting chastised a lot and eventually getting fired. Not a nice story, really.

          But in my next job, I learned mimicry is incredibly useful. I learned to walk on eggshells until I figured out that even if you get a direct email from a higher up, you’re sometimes expected to reply to his admin because he’s too busy to answer questions like, “Where will this meeting be held?” I made it a point to spend social time with as many co-workers as possible, even the ones I didn’t particularly like, in order to understand what’s “done” and “not done” in an office, and be friendly and interested in their lives. Office culture will not shape itself around you. You have to shape yourself to your office culture.

          WRT figuring out your role, the first step is going to be to take what your supervisors do tell you and do it impeccably, and quickly, keeping in mind why you’re doing a thing. In college, it’s easy to focus on getting a thing done instead of what the purpose of the project is. Being a great employee requires giving up some of your independence to be part of the hive-mind of whatever company or organization you work for. Ask yourself, “What’s the overreaching purpose of my position? My department? How does what I’m doing contribute to that? How can I contribute to this role beyond what’s immediately expected of me?” It was hard for me to get into the groove of seeing what projects were going on in order to contribute to them, but if you ever hear of a project you could work on (and you’re not overwhelmed by a huge to-do list of concrete tasks already), volunteer to do it. When you’re just starting out, always volunteer.

          And finally, the thing a lot of young workers don’t do is think about what they actually want to do with their careers. For me, I was waiting for my career purpose to smack me over the head for a long time, and was just working for a paycheck, and subsequently feel like I’m behind in a lot of areas of my life. Fortunately, I did eventually get a lightning bolt moment, and am going back to school for technical expertise in that field, but some of my peers are still waiting for that lightning moment, and sitting in jobs they don’t see a future in. If you haven’t read it already, pick up The Defining Decade, and give some serious, honest thought to your strengths and weaknesses. With an English major, I thought I was supposed to go into communications, but I really hated it, and while I could do the individual tasks of the position, it didn’t suit me, and I overall couldn’t succeed. Skills can generally be taught, but if you don’t “get” the position, it’s hard to do well.

        2. Another way to make yourself useful is to be proactive in preparing a plan of action. You’ll be asked a question, or how to handle an issue or get something done without clear instructions by a supervisor. Present several choices for a plan of action, be prepared to discuss the pros and cons of each, and most importantly, choose one and explain why. When I started as an associate in a law firm, I was so used to all questions coming at me as if it was a quiz- there was one right answer and it was my job to find it or face ridicule. Not so. The partner just needed to reach an end result, and there’s often more than one way to skin a proverbial cat. It was my job to devise the plan, run it by him so we don’t have to alert the malpractice carrier, and carry it out.

          Do this often enough, and you’ll develop a reputation as a person who can find a solution to a problem without being micromanaged or hand-held. That is SO valuable. No supervisor wants to hear a subordinate simply turn around and say “I don’t know what to do, what do you think?” without at least giving a starting point for analysis. That’s basically useless.

          You’ll also be practicing the skillset you need to really analyze issues and get results- and show that you’re not just a research monkey/ task-doer. You don’t have to do it perfectly, they know you’re brand new, but in my experience the effort (or lack thereof) is seriously noted.

    10. Absorb as much as you can from the higher-ups around you, even if something seems tedious and like you can do it better or faster, do it their way first. Most likely they have already made all the mistakes and have developed strategies to avoid that same mistake in the future. I’m trying to generalize this but I am in corporate finance if that matters. Example – I always print, foot and proof anything I do (often getting little comments like “who prints anymore” from the newbies). I have had so many newly employed staff give me a report with a clear error that they would have caught if they stopped and looked at the big picture.

    11. Come with potential solutions when you have questions, or at the very least be prepared to talk about what you did to get to the point you are currently at and why you are stuck there.

      Its ok to not know how to do things, but try to ask better questions to get help. Rather than saying, “I’m happy to do X, but I don’t know how or have never done X,” say “I’m happy to do X, is there a resource / colleague I could talk to about where to start?” or “I’m happy to do X, I think the best place to start is Y database, do you agree?”

      Also, don’t be afraid to do the things you don’t know how to do. You learn the most that way.

      1. This. At least TRY once or twice to figure out how to do something before you come and ask. That has been my biggest pet peeve with young staff or interns, is when I know they could have figured it out themselves if they thought about it for a couple of minutes, but they take up all of my time wanting me to hold their hands through everything.

          1. +2. Especially when the “thing they could have figured out for themselves” is something that Google could have helped them figure out.

        2. This. Do NOT be like my admin who called me to ask me how many days opposing counsel had to file a response to a motion: A) She was supposed to be calendaring these deadlines all along(!?!?) and B) LMGTFY.

    12. Instead of mistakes, 2 tips:

      Uninstall the “reply all” button in Outlook. You can still choose to reply all by going into a menu, but you won’t accidentally email the entire office inappropriately.

      Always carry a notebook & pen with you – you’ll look prepared, and if someone gives you an assignment in the hallway, you’ll actually remember it by the time you get back to your desk.

      Good luck!

      1. A thousand times this! Carry the notebook and pen, and _use them_. When someone stops you in the hall to give you some information or a quick assignment, it is your responsibility to take enough notes so that you understand what they are looking for. You are memorializing that conversation. While follow-up questions may come up, going back to that person and saying “I know you wanted something- what did you want?” will not end well.

  6. Does anyone have a tailor in Bangkok that they recommend for making women’s suits? I will be visiting in April. Most of the tailors I am finding focus on men’s suits. Thanks!

  7. We are going to Germany this July for the first time. We have family history/war-time memorial events in Wolfsburg and will spend a few days before and a few days after sightseeing. If anyone has insight on the following (or any other Germany advice), please share:

    1. If we have to choose because of time constraints between seeing the Cologne cathedral and the Aachen cathedral, which should we choose and why?

    2. In Berlin, thinking of staying at the Titanic Deluxe Hotel (which opened this month and is part of the Turkish Titanic Hotel chain). If not, perhaps the Titanic Comfort Hotel (more budget). Anyone stayed at a Titanic hotel before?

    3. Thinking of spending a day in Eisenach at the Wartburg Castle and staying one night at the castle’s hotel. Any recommendations?

    4. Is 5-6 days in Berlin too much? We like walking the city, museums, history and some shopping and dining when we travel. Although I’m vaguely curious how today’s Germany sees its war-time conduct, I suspect we will see enough of that in Wolfsburg and so any museums in Berlin are fair game except Holocaust-related ones.

    5. We eat clean, and one of us is a pescatarian. Will the food there be heavy, meat-based fare?

    6. Is driving from Berlin to Dusseldorf in one day (mapquest says six hours) something we want to do?

    7. Anything else we should be thinking about?

    Thanks!

    1. 1. Cologne cathedral, but I’ve never been to Aachen. But the Cologne cathedral is awesome, and Cologne generally is a pretty cool and very historical city.

      4. I don’t think so. I stayed for 3 days and I didn’t want to leave. IME, today’s Germans (my generation – people in their 30s who grew up with grandparents from that era) are committed to not repeating the mistakes of their forefathers. Berlin has a lot of Holocaust-related sites, and the memorial is pretty powerful to walk through. They also have a JFK museum (Ich bin ein Berliner all over the place) and lots of Berlin-wall museums and such.

      5. Maybe – Maybe yes. Germany is pretty health-conscious and there are a ton of organic (“bio”) grocery stores all over the place. The traditional foods are heavy and meat-based, but you will be able to find plenty that’s not to tide you over. That said, Europe generally is more restrictive in their agriculture programs, so the meat may already be hormone/antibiotic/GMO-free as a matter of course.

    2. 4. Agree with SH that 5-6 days in Berlin is not too much. My husband and I visited for a week a couple of summers ago and felt like we could’ve stayed two more weeks with plenty to do. It’s such a vibrant city of diverse neighborhoods–you will not be bored. So many amazing museums. Look into some walking tours (Berlin Walks has great ones) and checking out some unique sights (Tempelhof Airport tour/park was a cool part of our trip). Enjoy amazing food (from fine dining to adorable little spots like Kauf Dich Glucklich serving waffles topped with ice cream).

      1. Yes. Berlin is incredible and has so much history and culture to see in proportion to it’s size, it is kind of mind boggling.

        1. also even though you said no Holocaust museums, I highly recommend checking out the Holocaust Memorial even just for a few minutes. It’s an outdoor memorial covering part of a city block, no words or images, just the stone. And it is really powerful and moving, even though there are no specifics there. I will never forget it.

    3. I would recommend the train between Berlin and Dusseldorf – they are fast and clean and easy. Unless you want to have car in either city, which also seems like more a pain/expense than a help.

    4. I’m in a totally different part of Germany, so the food is the only question I can answer (I’m in Konstanz, in the far SW). Food here is heavy, but it’s also what I’d call ‘clean’. Unlike the food in the UK (and what I saw in the short time I was in the US), there’s far less in the way of food that’s been processed or ‘meddled with’. There are a fair amount of creamy sauces, but you can usually avoid those.

      I’d definitely rock by a Bio-Markt when you arrive (this’ll be nice and easy if you’re driving) and pick up some little containers of Haltbar-Milch (UHT – only has to be refrigerated once open) and some Müsli. That’ll make breakfast being clean exponentially easier, which I find then makes eating less healthily for the rest of the day feel like a failure. You know, ‘only’ two unhealthy meals, rather than three.

      1. So jealous you’re in Konstanz! I spent a lovely weekend in Ulm and Konstanz was so pretty! Lucky dog.

        1. It’s gorgeous. I instagrammed the view from the uni canteen where I was sitting to work earlier. I can’t wait for the summer and dinghy sailing to start (what uni work…?)

    5. Cologne is beautiful, but I prefer Aachen — lots of great medieval history and architecture in both, though.

      1. I would recommend borrowing a Rick Steves’s book from the library before you go or for planning the trip. Five days in Berlin may be a lot, but there are some cool towns near by that you could easily take a train to visit. I generally believe you can do all the “sites” in 3 days in any city. I think Berlin to Dusseldorf would be a long drive. Occasionally, there is huge stau (traffic jams) on autobahns. Not so much fun. For food, traditional German is heavy, meat and potatoes (of course you can have them any way you like). But they also have the best salads. Way better greens. Kasespatzle was a favorite dish of mine. Adult mac and cheese if you will. This may be more of a southern Germany food though.

  8. So, husband said he wanted to spice things up–and I tend to agree. Post kids and both working 10-13hrs/day the garden parties have gotten pretty structured. We are decent at communication, but when I asked what he had in mind he said he didn’t know. Through a few back-and-forths it’s clear that he’s been holding back out of respect for a non-consensual garden party of my past (it happened when I was 13). I was surprised by this, as he’d never mentioned it before. He didn’t learn the extent of what happened, but always new *something* had, until a few years ago. I can understand that he had to go through the shock of what happened to me even if I’m already as “over it” as I can ever be (does that make sense?). Anyway, in trying to dig out where he wants to go with things, I let him know I needed a little guidance, and to the extent he needed any from me I let him know where my ultimate boundary was.

    I will obviously broach the conversation again. But, I wanted to see if the Hive had any general experience with spicing things up (or spicing things up post partner revealing they were holding back due to your past). Any talking points that help me figure out what he wants would be awesome.

    1. I can’t google it at work, but I once went to a workshop where the instructor recommended a website that basically list all sorts of random types of acts/practices/things to do with your partner in bed (and elsewhere!). The idea is that you print out the list, write down yes, no, or maybe to each (indicating whether you’d consider doing it), then trade lists and talk about it with your partner. Even if it ends up that neither of you want to try any of it, it’s an amazing jumping off point to talking about what you like and don’t like and would be interested in.

      1. That’s a REALLY good idea. I’ll have to search for a list like this from home. But that’s brilliant.

    2. Go to the adult section of the bookstore and browse together until you find something you both want to take home and read together?

      1. I may have to do this one on my own, it’s a great idea. He would probably just want to order them from Amazon Prime–also a decent route to consider. Thank you.

        1. Be careful with searching these things with Prime if you ever pull up a-zon on your computer in front of other people. That “recently viewed” or “related to items you’ve browsed” can be dangerous who coworkers behind you!

    3. Roses idea sounds really good. Since it sounds like he is holding back for your benefit, it may help for you to suggest some things you would like/be willing to try. It’s possible some of them may overlap with his ideas but if nothing else it will show you are open to new things.

      1. Oh, fair point. I hadn’t considered that I would need to start making the suggestions so he doesn’t feel like he’s overstepping. It probably wasn’t helpful to him that the only specific I shared was what I was absolutely not willing to do–that doesn’t help keep the conversation moving. Sometimes it’s the obvious. Thanks!

    4. There was an article on A Practical Wedding a few weeks ago that might provide a helpful perspective for you. Link in reply.

      I have to mention – your characterization of what happened to you as a “non-consensual garden party” really bothered me. I know we’ve thrown around the LGP thing here, but calling rape a “party” of any kind seems… misguided. I don’t pretend to understand your experience, but I hope that you know that anything non-consensual is not “sex” it is not “boys being boys” and it was not your fault.

      2. I can assure you I know what happened to me, and know how to classify it IRL.

        Thank you for the article.

    5. Not sure if you’re still checking this thread, but if you are, I highly recommend doing a photoshoot with your husband! We did one a couple of years ago, I modeled, he photographed. We went to a hotel just down the road for a night, brought snacks and drinks, and spent the whole evening shooting. I did really stylized make-up and hair to go along with each outfit, and it was so much fun! ALSO great for kicking off something new. Now we have fun pictures to look at and remember, and we discovered a few new things that we hadn’t realized would be enjoyable :)

    1. Thank you. Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed. On Valentine’s Day, I will take care if myself and treat myself well, but I will not push to be happy alone through it all.

  10. Can anyone suggest some strategies to deal with burning feelings of resentment at work? I spent the past two months helping a senior associate to prepare for a big oral argument that was supposed to take place last week, but got delayed until this week because of weather. I am not attending the argument, just helping to prepare. I didn’t hear much at all from her about it until yesterday, when she sent me a list of a few questions she had. I worked late answering them, went home and went to sleep, and then woke up to a list of 30+ more questions (many of which I had answered on previous occasions) and a warning that I would have to pull an all-nighter tonight to complete them. I am furious that she waited till the last minute to do this when I could have been working on this all of last week, and that my commitments to my other clients are going to be jeopardized by this. I want desperately to be able to refuse to help, or to blow up at her, but I know that’s not good for our client nor my own professional reputation. Does anyone have any coping strategies that I can use to not burst from anger and resentment?

    1. I don’t really have any advice, but I would say unless this is a SCOTUS argument, it sounds a bit ridiculous. I argue in front of my state’s appeals and supreme court regularly. Mock arguments can only do so much and you can only get so much help. It truly is up to the person doing the argument to do the work necessary to be prepared. What is she having you do?? SHE has to read the cases, prepare her own outline/notes, and practice talking out loud. What else is there?

    2. Ugh. Crap like this is the worst part about being an associate. I’ve been there and felt the same way you do. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but eventually you get used to it. And once you’ve built up enough credibility in your office, you subtly can make sure that you don’t work for this senior associate again.

    3. You know how some people will study for exams until the minute you pry the outline out of their hand as they enter the room? This may be her prep method and an unexpected extension just makes it worse. Or maybe she had some other crisis/deadline that you don’t know about. The good news is that if you already have some of the questions answered you can recycle those.

      Some of this is just the nature of being the more junior associate. Some of it may be poor management on her part. Remember it when you get more senior and do better.

      1. YES re the unexpected extension. Read up on “Parkinson’s Law” – the amount of time it takes to complete the work expands to fill the amount of time available. I too have had several major court events postponed due to weather and other things and it really is hard not to keep coming up with more ways to prepare, feeling pressed for time, felling like there is still too much to do, whereas two weeks ago I was good to go with what I had.

        However, she is your boss so none of this helps you exactly; I would just try to focus on using this experience as a learning experience of “how not to be” when it is your turn to argue.

    4. I echo the other sentiments. As for coping, I tend to trace the F word (or Jerk) in my palm when dealing with these kind of antics. It’s like a silent protest and it makes me feel better.

    5. Thanks all. Just hearing others say that this is unreasonable helps a lot – biglaw has a way of making you feel like it’s your fault for not wanting to work 24/7 on everyone else’s emergencies.

    6. Perhaps she brought up the possible all nighter because she doesn’t know you’ve already answered these. If you truly have, perhaps you’re really looking at a few tedious hours of digging up and organizing your previous work, vs. having to start fresh. Still not great, but less demoralizing.

    7. I still don’t really understand what she wants you to do. I’m honestly curious. I’ve never worked in big law so the whole hierarchy thing is alien to me, but I’ve argued (and prevailed on) dozens of cases. I wouldn’t even know what to ask someone else to do to help ME prepare. It makes no sense to me.

      1. Don’t want to get too specific, but it’s an administrative matter, so it’s unusually fact-intensive compared to, say, an appellate argument. She wants me to figure out minutia of factual issues that she anticipates receiving questions about.

        1. Honestly, that doesn’t sound too unreasonable. One thing I’ve learned about last minute stuff – sometimes it’s avoidable, sometimes you just have so much to do that you can’t get to something until the last minute. It sounds like the senior associate is in the second category. I know it’s frustrating and one of the partners I frequently work with does this too. I would suggest that it’s probably not an all-nighter for you – if you’ve already answered some of the questions, you can probably just respond to it all in a few hours. And blowing up or refusing to do the work is definitely not an option

  11. I have to be on TV with my singing group this week! Any suggestions for type of foundation to buy/sample? Color of eyeshadow that comes across well? Also, would you wear a dress (long, modal) or suit pants/modal shirt? (All must be black)

    1. Dress, absolutely. You are on TV!! Ideally, one that blends with your group but that has enough shape/structure to flatter in case you get a close up.

      And a bit more make-up. Eyeshadow color less critical, but liner and mascara, a bit of blush and something for the lip so you have color and don’t look washed out in the midst of all the black..

      1. Thanks! Does it matter whether the eyeshadow is shimmery or not? (Yes, I am overthinking this! LOL!)

        1. Go for very lightly shimmery eyeshadow. You want a little bit of light but you don’t want to look like a showgirl. (That’s verbatim from the makeup artist from when I was on our equivalent of College Bowl)

    2. Look for an HD foundation. Makeup Forever’s version is really good, but there are lots of other versions as well. Get samples from sephora. I would do neutrals but with a heavier hand than normal because the camera will wash you out some. Definitely wear eyeliner (I prefer dark brown over black), mascara and blush. Do a test run and have a friend take pictures and/or record you on a phone.

    3. I usually wear zinc/mineral makeup, but that can look a little ghostly under lights/in photos. I like Make Up For Ever foundation as an alternative.

    5. Just stay away from the Makeup Forever HD Microfinish powder (the white one) – it shows up really white on camera (see Nicole Kidman at Nine premier).

    6. This might be too late, hope you’re still reading. I have my makeup done professionally quite frequently for work. The one thing that always stands out to me is how much they focus on eyebrows. Seriously, I never look like myself in the mirror, but on TV it looks amazing. Check out Nars’s brow gel- in my opinion the powders are not enough for TV. The other thing they always do is tightline my eyes. Laura Mercier sells a liner specifically for this. In case you are fair try brown, not black. You can keep the eyeshadows neutral for your complexion. I wouldn’t do sparkly. The Naked palette that’s neutral is great. Don’t wear SPF or any makeup with SPF. I use the MUFE white powder mentioned and have no problem. It’s not meant for photography, as the flash can cause a bounce but it’s great on TV. Good luck!

  12. Does anyone know whether parking head out has acquired any special meaning? I know police always do it. Two of my parking lot colleagues started parking head out around the time of Ferguson and #blacklivesmatter. They had never done so before. They both are personally invested in the movement. I can’t think of any reason why they would both start parking this way at the same time. I’m wondering if it’s some kind of protest or something that I haven’t heard of?

    1. I’ve recently learned that backing into parking spaces is considered safer, and in fact many company parking lots require it. Maybe other people heard the same PSA a couple of months ago?

      1. This was something that I remember reading in my state driving manual. I actually parked that way today, and I always prefer parking the same way in mall parking lots where backing out can be tricky because of people walking by or driving by without really looking.

    2. I park that way in my very own driveway in a residential home. The folks across the street have tons of cars, put them on the curbs all the time, and change their locations so fast, we can’t be sure of being able to back out well, easily, safely. It is a huge pain. They simply park on the street rather than moving cars in/out of their two-car-wide driveway. Drives us bonkers.

      Hope this doesn’t take on another meaning.

      1. My neighbor (with large but slightly unwieldy driveway) parks her Suburban directly across from my driveway – bad enough but worse when there’s snow.

    3. I think that backing up is dangerous. I have a giant vehicle with a backup camera and it still has blind spots. I’d rather back up into a wider area (the street or driving part of a parking lot / garage) than into a narrower area (parking space, my driveway which has a blind spot big enough for a small child to hide in). So, at work, I drive into my space and back out (they are often angled, so I have no idea how long it takes people to back into that, but am sure that everyone else hates that). At home, I drive in and back out (but mostly park on the street to avoid backing out).

      A trendy neighborhood in my area instituted back-in on-street parking and I don’t go there anymore unless I’m going somewhere with a normal parking lot. Too many pedestrians not paying attention and cars not used to this means that if you don’t have an outright accident, things get dinged up an awful lot.

      1. Well, I think backing into a spot when arriving is safer and easier than if I’m exiting a spot and have to back up. Just hate that. So if I’m driving up to a spot and am going to back in, I have a clear view of cars, pedestrians and other drivers and then I back in. Easy. When it’s time to pull out, I have a much better view. Backing in is actually smarter given the number of people that have SUVs and big trucks and even minivans. Try backing out in your (“my”) little Honda with SUVs on both sides – it’s impossible to see.

      2. It also makes a million times more sense to park nose-in and back out when you’re grocery shopping or shopping for big things. Then you can just wheel your trolley up to your car, and unpack. Easy.

    5. People tend to do this where I live in the winter as it makes it easier to jump a battery or pull out of a space if you are snowed in.

    6. I back in when I know that it’s going to be very busy when I go to leave–e.g. sporting and concert events where everyone gets out at the same time, when I’m leaving work at 5pm, that always-busy street with horrible visibility (usually caused by the TEXAS SIZED trucks parked in the next spot), etc. It’s way easier to be able to pull out than wait for someone to notice you trying back out and actually let you in (and to not get hit by someone else who saw the opening as “their” opportunity). I really don’t think this is something to pay attention to.

    7. Fun story from when I was a new driver: one of the houses I tutored at was on an A-road (I guess what you might call a minor highway?), and they had a short driveway that was a little wider than usual (and because you entered the driveway just by turning off a fairly busy road, there was no way of backing in). It took me a few months to be confident to back out as everyone else does, so I used to do something like a fifteen-point-turn on the driveway so that I could drive out forwards.

      (I was driving a new Mini, which are just over 12 feet long, I think… let’s say the driveway was about 14 feet wide)

    1. Me too. It did get above freezing for the first time in a week and a half here yesterday, which I’m taking as a good omen

    2. Shrug – it’s been better (for us in the North US) than it was last year. We had acutally had a January thaw this year. The sun is out today (though that is usually an indication of frigid [16F] temps).

      Could be worse (…and I’ve totally turned into a Minnesotan).

        1. Actually, we don’t usually get a ton of snow – some yes, but not a ton. It mostly just gets cold.
          So, no worries. You can keep it.

    3. Ditto. Ours hasn’t really been bad (even by Tennessee standards), but I’m pregnant and so sick of trying to make what little warm and fitting clothing work with layers and whatnot, and I cannot make tights or basically anything around my waist comfortable. Cannot wait until loose flowy dresses are OK again.

  15. My (female) boss just told me that she does not believe it is true that men can be considered both competent and likeable by their colleagues, but women cannot (colleagues think they are either competent and not likeable or likeable but not competent). There is tons of research demonstrating that this is true. Does that strike anyone else as strange?

    1. Does it strike me as strange that a seemingly-intelligent person would refuse to believe facts that have been substantiated by data?

      No, it doesn’t. It frustrates me, but it doesn’t surprise me.

      See also: climate change, immunizations, wage gap.

      1. To be fair, I do think it is POSSIBLE for a woman to be both competent and likeable. I think the research shows that often this is not the case, not that it is impossible for this to occur. I know several women that I work with that are likeable and competent.

        1. I’m the 11:16am Anon, and I agree. I believe that women can be both (heck, I hope I’m both!!), but sadly the data shows that there is a strong negative correlation in perception.

        2. It’s absolutely possible, but it depends on the woman, the work environment, and the position, and is more likely when a woman has a naturally very friendly but confident demeanor. One of my (female) directors is very likeable, and is about to move up to a VP position, but she’s very easy to like. The other female director is a little more hard-nosed, but she makes a point to be super friendly and have “personal chats” with senior team members. Unfortunately, it makes her come across as fake, but if she didn’t make that effort, she would come across as unlikeable.

    2. No? 5 women leaders at my board immediately come to mind that are viewed as both competent and likeable. If you phrase it the way you did there, there is no research demonstrating that it is true. If you are saying that its easier for men to be considered both, than I would buy that.

      Likeability is also so subjective. Plenty of people find Michelle Obama very likeable, plenty don’t.

      1. — and plenty of people find Michelle Obama very competent, plenty don’t. Baffles me, but there it is!

    3. I think this is totally not true. There are many examples of women who are generally perceived as both competent and likeable inside my large organization. (There are also women who are likeable but not competent, or competent but not likeable.) My understanding is not that the data shows this never happens, but that people have a societally instilled bias that makes it harder for women to be seen as both. Not that women cannot ever be considered both by their colleagues. I think you’re making your conversation more extreme than it needs to be.

      1. +1. My understanding of the research on the matter is that success and likeability tend to be positively correlated for men but negatively correlated for women. This in no way suggests that women can’t be both.

    4. I think there’s research that shows that generally women are not considered both, not that they can’t be.

      1. +1 – the research is on people’s perception on the whole, not about the actual fact of the matter.

        Which question where you trying to ask, and which one was she trying to answer? Sounds like you might be cross-purposes.

    5. Also, how did this come up? If someone at work came up to me and told me that women at work can’t be both competent and likable, it might seem like that person was commenting on my competence or liability.

    6. It is more strange that you would be insisting to a woman boss, to her face, that it is impossible for women to be considered like able and competent. Kind of impolitic, as well as factually wrong.

    7. I am seen as competent, but I can’t tell you how “likeable” I am to my colleagues. Certainly less likeable than my female boss, who is not seen as competent. For what it’s worth, my boss and I get along swimmingly. It’s not that I don’t have people skills, but I think she is a natural “people pleaser” and feels badly when they do not. But what do I know.

      For what it’s worth, my 360 feedback from my directs, peers, and my directs’ directs on down is that I am “credible, competent, reasonable and always fair.” I don’t think that translates into “adored by all.”

  16. I need outfit suggestions for a semi-formal wedding on the MD shore in April. The reception will be outside so will likely get chilly. The ceremony will be on the grass so I’ll also have to figure out what shoes to wear. I’d normally wear wedges but that doesn’t seem to work with semi-formal. I didn’t like anything on RTR. Help!

    1. Of course wedges work. Don’t be silly. It’s outside, on grass, and cold. I’d be wearing wedges, hose, a pretty dress, a cardigan, and brining a pashmina.

  17. i REALLY want this, but since 99% of the clothes in my closet are cobalt blue, or similar shades, I feel like I need to resist. I feel weird realizing I wear the same color almost every day, and I don’t know how to fix it! but I still want to buy every cobalt thing I see. oops.

  18. Winter wardrobe thoughts for my wonderful nephew, a young professional moving from SF to NYC? He’s a business/computer system consultant, used to wearing suits but not sure how to handle WINTER. Does he wear snow boots and bring shoes, or just ruin his dress shoes (as shown in the NY Times’ Bill Cunningham’s recent piece on men going to work in SNOW)? Does he wear a wool overcoat over suit or are parkas ok? In other words, how does a Bay Area guy adjust to dressing for Weather? Also, suggestions for where to shop in NYC would be appreciated. Thank you all so much!

    1. In my office from my internship (insurance) the wool overcoat thing seemed to depend on age. Guys under about 40 were wearing North Face/ Superdry parkas, while older men were wearing Gieves & Hawkes type woolen coats.

      It mirrored what they wore on Casual Friday too. The younger men wore t-shirts with jeans, while the older men wore the same shirts as Monday to Friday, but with jeans instead of smart trousers.

      No idea on the boots – although Edinburgh in the summer isn’t balmy, there wasn’t snow either!

    2. I’m in IT consulting and we mostly wear our down jackets, although that might not look great with a suit. You would probably want a wool coat then. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man wear snow boots to work, but it’s not something I really pay attention to. I don’t think you need boots unless you’re out during a storm, though that would also depend on where you live in the city. The sidewalks are generally clear around my home and office.

    3. Shoes-wear something waterproof for the deceptively deep slush puddles that develop, then change shoes at work. Or get those rubber overshoe things. Coat-whatever keeps him warm. If the weather is in polar-vortex mode, a wool overcoat probably won’t be enough. Once the temperature gets below a certain level, I think everyone in the city understands that fashion is not crucial. This is especially true if you live in the outer boroughs by an elevated subway stop, because the wind while waiting for the train is brutal. Also, scarf, gloves, and earmuffs are crucial. I liked the earmuffs that went around the back of your head instead of over.

      I, however, hate the cold so much that I opted to deal with NYC winters after 6 of them by deciding to give up and move somewhere warmer, so I may be overstressing the warmth factor.

    4. As for places to shop: is the Burlington Coat Factory still open? That always had amazing deals especially on coats and other winter wear. Macy’s is also nice just because everything is in one place and you can get in and out.

    5. You move to NY, see what everyone at work is wearing, and then buy that. (I’ve done this move twice.)

  19. Ladies, please don’t laugh, I need advice on how to combat foot odor. It’s winter time here and I’ve been wearing fleece tights by every time I take off my shoes (doesn’t matter if it’s boots of flats) my feet smell really badly. It’s so embarrassing because we sit in an open floor plan/workstation type of environment. I’ve tried sprays and whatnot but it’s becoming an issue where I’m hesitant to go to friends house where I have to remove shoes.

    1. Maybe you need new shoes? eventually shoes just smell bad and you have to chuck them (at least in my experience). Or see a derm?

    2. Put a panty liner or even a thin maxi pad or kotex (whatever you call it) in your shoe. This will absorb wetness and odor. Change it out every day or so.

      1. OMG this is genius for those times when I wish I had put insoles in a pair of shoes, but don’t have time to get to the drug store to get a pair. They even have a sticky strip so they’ll stay in!

    3. Swap out the fleece tights for something more breathable. Some synthetics are terrible for foot odor. If this is something you’re noticing more in the winter than you have before, definitely consider what you do differently in the winter — e.g. fleece tights.

      There are great little odor-absorbing terry-like shoe inserts that keep my feet dry and less smelly in the summer, but those are for bare feet primarily.

    5. I have anti-odor shoe balls I get at DSW and throw in my shoes when I’m not wearing them. Also good for gym bags. Also comes in spray.

    6. I like gold bond medicated foot powder for this. I have PCOS and all sorts of associated ickiness (acne, sweating/smells, etc.).

    8. Don’t wear the same shoes day after day. They need a day to air out.

      Kiehl’s Cross Terrain Dry Run Foot Cream – Put some of this on in the morning and your feet won’t sweat so there will be no smell. Its like deodorant for your feet.

  20. I’ve had this problem. Sometimes deodorant on your feet helps. Only wear boots outside and take off as soon as inside. All shoes should have leather interior rather than synthetics. Smell shoes….. Spray nightly, keep dryer sheets in there.

    You know what cured it for me though? Spironolactone. Cured my lifelong cystic acne, reduced my hairiness, and got rid of my smelly man feet completely. Miracle…..

    1. Spiro was a huge cure all of me, too! Unfortunately (at least in the sense of not being able to take the meds anymore), (wait, should I out myself now? Sure, why not!) I’m pregnant and had to stop taking it many months before I ever went off off BC. Return of the bad breakouts! I wonder if that is why I find myself having to wash my ballet flats again…

  21. You need to wash your feet with antibacterial soap twice a day. Swap the inside of all of your shoes with rubbing alcohol and make sure your feet are getting aired out at night (no socks to bed). You may also want to spray your feet with athlete foot spray each time you put shoes on.

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