Thursday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Waist Knit Dress

506 Comments

1. recs for Bethany or Rehoboth beaches? just going for the weekend and will be staying about 30 mins inland from the shore. Realizing it will be crowded and I won’t be to the shore till 10 or 11 but any ideas on somewhat quieter spots? or restaurants to try out?

   1. Parking is really tough in town. I’d recommend driving to Cape Henlopen State Park in Lewes and going to the beach there!

      1. Second this recommendation. In terms of restaurants, I am a big fan of Chesapeake & Maine, Heirloom (in Lewes), and the Starboard (in nearby Dewey Beach) for drinks.

         1. Half Full pizza in Lewes was one of our go-to spots a few years ago. Delicious, fresh, and also really good salads.

      2. If lifeguards are important to you do not do this. No lifeguards at the state park.

   2. Misaki in South Bethany for sushi, Gus & Gus for fried chicken in Rehoboth, Perucci’s in Millville for Italian. For takeout, Woody’s in Dewey Beach has amazing crabcakes and Family Butcher in Dagsboro for steaks. I think you can buy a day pass for the beaches in South Bethany if you go to the town hall, but I’m not sure if it’s open on the weekend.

   3. Love Rehoboth! We go in the off season so no parking recommendations, but favorite restaurants for nicer meals are Drift (we live in DC and eat out a LOT and this is one of our favorite places) and Henlopen City Oyster House. Rise Up is fantastic for coffee and takeout or quick breakfasts (burritos and egg sandwiches) and is closer to the highway so less traffic than downtown. Egg nearby is nice for sit-down breakfast and lunch.

2. Do you have a travel tote that you love? Budget under $150. I’d like an external zip pocket, a secure inner pocket for my passport, and a laptop sleeve. I’ll be taking this on the plane and also into meetings with clients. Thanks!

   1. https://a.co/d/61VtX7M

      This is not usually my style, I love a nice leather bag, I love my Cuyana tote. But I hurt my shoulder and needed something lightweight for my last trip and it was perfect. For $32 I’m pretty impressed.

   2. I love my Lo & Son’s OG2 (and I have their nice laptop backpack as well). It is on sale now, but is still higher than your pricepoint, but it’s such good quality/light/easy to clean/well-organized that if you are a big work traveler I think it is worth the investment.

3. Kind of random question, but I’ve seen some discussions on differences between denominations here before. I’m Episcopalian, but married into a Catholic family (but they’re pretty chill Catholics – I didn’t convert, promise to raise my kids Catholic, or have a religious (let alone Catholic) wedding – we were married by a friend with an Episcopal priest giving a blessing).

   But, I recently had to attend a baptism with my husband’s family (and, my dad’s family is Catholic but he converted / we were raised Episcopalian).

   For a church that’s quite “old fashioned” in other ways (I’m being diplomatic here…), why are so many churches modern and why are the hymns mostly modern? Episcopal churches all look like they’d belong in an English village in the 1800s while Catholic churches are very modern. Ditto the hymns – popular ones like On Eagles Wings and Here I Am Lord are from the 1970s while Episcopal hymns are usually traditional and old.

   I understand the somewhat recent language change from “and also with you” to “and with your spirit” (even though we’re still “and also with you”), but I’m confused about the rest!

   1. Vatican II

      1. I understand that Vatican II made a lot of changes toward modernity in the mass, but why does that change the architecture?

         1. A lot of Catholic Churches are super old fashioned. You just found one built more recently.

         2. You are in churches that were built after Vatican II. The older ones look very traditional.

         3. Where I’m from, it was a broader culture war. There was active hostility towards traditional art, architecture, and music from the contingent who wanted to modernize everything. At my family’s church, they got rid of the polychrome statuary, replaced stained glass windows depicting figures with abstract colors, and introduced guitar masses. My grandparents really struggled with the overnight change.

            1. +1 this. Broader culture war. Where I am many churches, especially non denom or Baptist are all hip with modern architecture, coffee bars, modern music you would hear on the radio. Many of the new believers are going to places like that and the more traditional churches of all denominations were struggling and only had aging populations. Many of the more traditional churches in my area found ways to modernize but didn’t do a big overhaul- a little music here, a more modern add-on building there, a pastor with a headset (!!)

         4. Yes, I recognize that there are still plenty of old, traditional Catholic Churches. I’m curious as to why Vatican II led to modern churches being built.

            In my area, it’s probably 75% modern churches and 25% old churches.

            1. Maybe it was just bad 70s stuff in newer suburbs? Like the old city stuff continues as it is. At least it’s not Brutalist?!

            2. My guess is that there was enough cultural movement towards this (the 60s were a strange time); and Vatican 2 was used to reflect that, rather than actually caused it. The actual written council documents don’t actually call for many of the aesthetic changes that happened shortly after Vatican 2.

            3. A lot of people moved away from the urban centers where the old, traditional churches had been built by immigrant communities of previous generations. I remember visiting a church that had some family connections for me when I was wedding planning. When I visited all the current parishioners were elderly, and the church recommended extensive security if I wanted to hold a wedding there because the neighborhood was pretty rough. Since then a lot of US dioceses have hired consultants to help them abandon those high maintenance, low tithing parishes to prioritize more wealthy congregations in the suburbs.

               And the new churches built in the suburbs have been built on the model of schools and convention centers without much reference to traditional architecture, I guess because of a focus on services and convenience in accord with suburban and middle class values? The urban traditional churches were built partly through the actual donated physical labor of people with relevant skills and partly through dedicated donations from immigrant parishioners who were motivated to have a beautiful old world style church like they had at home where they were from. So it’s part of white flight, a shifting focus from urban to suburban parishes, from the poor to the wealthy, and old world culture to fitting in with white, middle class American culture.

            4. Yea, i suspect it may have just reflected the architecture of when they were built in the 60s/70s. My town has a huge new Catholic cathedral that just opened a few years ago and it’s very traditional looking. Presumably because they realized it’s just a better architectural style (I’m biased, I hate 60s/70s architecture)

            5. I think you’d have to look at what was happening at the time the buildings were built to discover why they’re designed the way they are. I’m not Catholic, but I noticed in my hometown a very predominant church architecture–they all looked the same, whether they were Methodist or Baptist. I asked an older church member about it and he explained that in the 60s, when they were built, many churches had reached the point where they outgrown their older buildings, or their original make-do meeting places were aging to the point they needed replacement. In our area, there were only a couple of architectural firms that designed churches. And they were all being built during the same era. That produced churches all the same building style, if not the same denominations.

         5. Lifelong Catholic here- Prior to Vatican I the priest would say Mass while facing the altar (ie. with his back to the people) . A change brought about by Vatican II was that the priest would now say Mass while facing the people. This created a need for a table-like altar in the center of the sacristy which is where the Mass is now focused. The change was meant to convey more of a true sense of the Last Supper which is what the Mass is mostly about- this was a very big deal back in the day. This big change eliminated the need for very ornate altar pieces like you typically see in old churches. That alone simplified the church appearance, which was followed by other changes to make the interiors look more modern.

   2. you’re extrapolating a lot from a single recent visit, but (1) what hymns are chosen varies by church, and (2) to the extent 70s hymns are popular, it’s likely the same root cause as 40-somethings suddenly jammin to the grocery store music since it’s all our 90s faves :)

      1. Sorry – included the fact about my dad’s family being Catholic but didn’t fully explain it but because half of my extended family is Catholic I’ve been to a lot of stuff in Catholic churches over the years – probably 1-2x a year every year. Both for big events like weddings, funerals, and baptisms and also just regular Sunday mass here and there.

         It’s just front of mind since I was recently there again.

      2. I understand the nostalgia of music from the 70s, but why did the church adopt that type of music in the first place?

         1. I feel that there was a large Venn overlap of hippies and Birkenstocks for Jesus that gave us the guitar mass. And orange carpet at the altar.

            When did advent stop being purple and pink? As a kid, I was here for that.

            1. So the church bowed to hippies and birkenstocks for the mass, which is the basis for the religion, but not for acceptance and inclusivity?!

            2. That makes a lot of sense to me. From skimming the Vatican II wikipedia article, the whole motivation was to introduce some changes to make the church more appealing and competitive in the modern age. So they gave it a facelift but kept the fundamental beliefs.

         2. Because people like it? And at the time it was fresh and modern and accessible

            1. Fresh, modern, and accessible unless you’re gay or a woman?

            2. Ummm what? We are literally taking about the music here. I never said the Catholic Church was overall welcoming

            3. Its hard to separate the art from the artist

         3. Vatican II. My dad was born in 1951 and so saw the change in the 60s when he was a kid. My parents both started going to an Episcopal church when I was a kid (mom was previously Congregational) and they both rave (quite rightly) about the Episcopal music.

   3. IDK but as a fellow whiskeypalian, no body better never mess with the music at church. My family barely survived the hymnal switch when I was a kid and some parishioners just kept singing the old tunes. I realize we are quite flexible in other areas but I’m a traditionalist re music.

      OTOH, I just toured a church with an awesome youth building aimed at teens (where they often lose kids and parents) and wondered what it even means to be a Methodist (I truly have no idea other than originally maybe they frowned on alcohol but locally seem to have gotten past that).

      1. There’s really very little difference but Methodist churches will tend to have a less fussy more modern order of service and our music is the best.

         1. My best friend growing up was raised Methodist – it definitely felt more “modern” this the Episcopal Church. I also remember there being a huge uproar about LGBT acceptance – her family’s church was very affirming and I think they had issues with the greater Methodist Church as a result? And I believe the LGBT issue is still undecided in the church as a whole?

            1. IDK how it plays out on this front but I feel that no faith likes a pastor with any sort of drama (even if straight). OTOH my parents had a rector who was a recovering alcoholic and that brought a lot of depth to that part of ministry (but not without a lot of trepidation). An unhinged ex showing up and disrupting services is what everyone hates and my guess is that people with a track record of being boring are more easily welcomed. Maybe this is just an area where people get more comfortable over time, like with women priests and pregnant women priests or priests who marry (or quietly divorce with dignity). We have a priest who is a step parent and that is overall such a huge plus with a lived experience.

            2. The LGBT issue was decided for the church as a whole last year and ended up with the United Methodist Church that most of us knew from childhood continuing to exist and will be less conservative, and a new Global Methodist Church being more traditional/conservative.

            3. Nope it was resolved in favor of LGBT inclusion this May (in the United Methodist Church of course there are splinters)

         2. No, Episcopalian music is far superior (source: I was a pro singer in both Episcopalian and Methodist churches)

            1. Agree with this.

            2. As a Methodist church musician I agree.

            3. True and funny because it is the OG Catholic music and worthy friends

            4. Right! Why did the Catholics eschew the beautiful music?

            5. Amazing Catholic music still exists. Depends on which parish you are in and sometimes which mass you go to, e.g. 9 am more a choir with traditional music, noon or 5 pm may be folk music.

      2. I know, I love the music in Episcopal churches so much!

         In general I think it’d great how the church blends transition (liturgy, music, architecture that’s been the same across the centuries) but embraces modernity (progressive social values, equality in church leadership roles).

         It’s funny to me that the Catholic Church has done the opposite – modernizing what we’ve kept traditional but not embracing equality and acceptance.

      3. The United Methodists are traditionally thought of as the “social justice” church. There is a lot of emphasis on service (“missions”) and inclusion (ironic given the recent near-schism).

         The United Methodist church follows the Wesleyan tradition, which holds that forgiveness of sins is open to all who believe. There is no notion of election or of justification through works. Wesleyans approach questions of faith through the lens of the Wesleyan quadrilateral. Scripture is the main place to find answers. Our interpretation of scripture is guided by tradition as well as our own reason and experience. This is mostly a good thing but in my opinion sometimes leads to a little too much leeway for intolerance disguised as differences in belief (again, see the recent controversy).

         As a musician, I find the United Methodist liturgy and music sorely lacking. Very few congregations use any sung responses during communion or sing the psalms. Services tend to be quite folksy and are mostly about the sermon. Some churches will have a real pipe organ and/or a halfway decent choir, but many don’t. None of the parishioners read music, and often many of the choir members don’t read either. I sing in an all-volunteer choir that is arguably the best United Methodist church choir in our mid-sized metro area. I recently filled in at a Lutheran church and came away wishing I were a Lutheran. There was so much singing throughout the service! There were actual musical notes printed in the bulletin and at least part of the congregation could read them and sing along! It was glorious.

         1. As a Methodist who cannot sing at all, I would love fewer songs!

            1. At every UMC church I’ve attended there are usually two or three congregational hymns, a prelude on the organ or piano, and an anthem or offertory by the choir or a soloist. A few churches will have both an anthem and an offertory, but that’s rare. That is extremely minimal considering that a not-insignificant segment of the population finds their spiritual connection primarily through music.

               The absolute worst, though, is the “contemporary” service where there isn’t even a hymnal. How am I supposed to sing along with your lousy contemporary songs if there are no music notes to follow?

            2. Please feel free to not join us for worship if you hate it!

            3. That’s rude and not very Methodist.

   4. Hymns & music can definitely vary between different Catholic parishes; but I think overall it’s that “conservative” & “progressive” are predominantly political terms, and just aren’t going to map very well onto theology or liturgy.

      1. +1. The hymns chosen are up to the music director/pastor at each parish. The local “flavor” of a particular parish can run the gamut of super traditional/Latin hymns to more current, kumbaya types

         1. Indeed, my parish has certain masses dedicated to each type of music. There’s a folk music mass and a more traditional music mass — and even a mass that has no musical accompaniment.

   5. For the architecture bit – I’d assume this has historical roots saying more about when groups of people immigrated and had the means to build than anything else.

      1. Yeah, the neighborhood where my mom is from has 3 different Catholic Churches – Irish, Polish, and German. Or, rather, had – 1 is still a church and the rest are now condos.

         They’re all late 1800s so traditional and beautiful. Same for the church my dad grew up going to.

         But, the churches the rest of the family goes to see modern.

   6. This made me chuckle because I’m a lapsed Catholic from Europe and my childhood church was from the 1300s. So I guess it depends how recent the Catholic community is in your area.

   7. And follow up question – why are many Catholic sacrements like baptisms and confirmations separate services rather than part of the Sunday mass?

      1. Re baptisms, episcopal ones used to be separate but now aren’t. Idk why.

         1. Ah, I didn’t realize Episcopal ones used to be separate.

            I like that they’re incorporated into the normal service; it’s a nice sense of community with the entire congregation agreeing “I will with God’s help”

      2. Time. They would take up too much time during the service and people want to be in and out and done. But also, really dependent on the parish – some will do it during the service, some will save it for after/before/separate.

         And like – confirmations didn’t happen at the local parish church for us – unless it the converts and that only happened at Easter. The rest of us coming up thru CCD went to the Cathedral with the Archbisop in the adjacent large city, probalby mostly because we had one and we could do that. Don’t know what other parishes did in the state.

         1. Oh interesting – the Bishop came to us for confirmations.

         2. Wouldn’t it be better to occasionally have a longer mass to welcome a baby to the church family as an entire church family than to be in out and done quickly?

            Like isn’t community the basis of church? It feels selfish and frankly not Christ-like to prioritize quick masses over having the entire congregation present for baptisms?

            1. I agree on some level, but many parishes have baptisms at least twice a month, so it’s not “occasional”

            2. Maybe? Catholicism includes people who live in caves or on top of pillars, not just “community” and “church family” personalities. There’s a full spectrum of engagement beyond the minimum that’s required for good standing.

            3. How is it Christ like to be judging other people for practicing their faith how they want in a way that hurts no one?

            4. Oh interesting – it’s quarterly in my episcopal church

            5. Some parishes do baptisms at regular Sunday Mass. My current parish does have that as an option. My previous parish didn’t.

      3. Logistics, family preferences and local custom. I always like when those sacraments are part of the “standard” schedule (and they can be, baptisms are especially easy!). I actually lived in a place where weddings were also just public parish events, and it was really beautiful – it felt like the whole community was there to support the new couple and vice versa. If you want your child baptized at Sunday Mass, that is definitely a request you can make & most pastors can accommodate.

         But sometimes the actual church building isn’t big enough (like a wedding with a lot of guests); sometimes the schedule doesn’t work (Confirmations particularly, because the bishop is running all over the place); sometimes the family wants a shorter service or doesn’t want it in the context of the Mass for some other reason, etc

      4. In my parish growing up, you literally wouldn’t be able to fit everyone in for confirmation during a normal Mass (and it seated a lot of people). The confirmants plus their families literally took up the whole place.

   8. I have quite a few Catholic friends who are at a crossroads because they are religious, like the liturgy of the Catholic Church, but are (rightly) disgusted by some of the church’s views and actions.

      I’ve tried inviting them to come to church with me – traditional liturgy (and hymns and architecture!), but we actually live the idea that we’re all made in God’s image and thus love, support, and allow everyone to live their full lives in the church: LGBT members and women are fully accepted as they are and into church leadership! Let alone reasonable views on contraception and pre marital sex

      1. I’m like your friends. I can’t give up the ship, because then the super conservative crazies get it. My best option is to go to very progressive parishes that actively and loudly break with broader Catholic doctrine (and often get punished for it). For example my church has a gay mass every year where they actively celebrate gay marriage and families.

         There are also some (admittedly minor, but existent) theological differences, so for those who still are fundamentally Catholic but dislike the politics of the church, it’s not quite as simple as attending an Episcopalian church just because it has a similar service and better political views.

         1. I used to think of them as minor, but it feels like they shift a lot of things until it’s just an unrecognizable outlook for me. I still appreciate the beautiful services!

            1. In my experience, Catholics don’t recognize that Episcopalians also have Apostolic Succession and recognize the Real Presence in the Eucharist – and some believe in Transsubstantiation but others don’t (most believe in Consubstantiation but it’s kind of up to you).

               Sure there are other differences, but those are two big ones that Catholics often don’t realize Episcopalians also have.

            2. Out of curiosity – what are those differences?

            3. Sometimes I am at a loss for words…

            4. IME, my Catholic relatives don’t really understand the Episcopal Church and are thus ignorant to what we actually believe. So they assume we don’t believe in something like Real Presence but we absolutely do!

               Or, there’s something that we do believe in in common, but since they think the Catholic Church is the one true church and Protestants are apostates, they don’t think our shared belief is valid (Apostolic Succession).

   9. Literally half of the reason (sorry!) I go to church is because I love the music in Episcopal Church so much.

      1. Same. BUT I feel like it isn’t some weird thing but something fundamental in my lizard brain that connects more deeply spiritually with humanity over the centuries when I hear certain hymns and music and also the stunning beauty of communal singing. Even if I don’t speak the language the song is in. Not everyone is wired this way but I feel the connection in a way that is not my usual Spock-like logical self.

         1. I agree! There’s really something that touches my soul by being in a centuries old building singing centuries old hymns with a community.

            I’m mildly religious, but man do I feel God when that happens.

            1. Do y’all realize you’re just living out that meme about “I thought I was super religious and then I went to my first concert and realized I just really love music” LOL

         2. Yeah – old hymns in old buildings makes me feel so connected to the church and its history.

            Through Apostolic Succession (sorry Catholics, but yes, we Episcopalians have Apostolic Succession), the church is a line back to the ancient, original church. And both the traditional words of the liturgy and the old hymns really make me feel that connection back to Jesus’ time.

   10. Are you asking why the churches built in the last 50-60 (“modern”) look like they’ve built in the last 50-60 years, vs 100 years ago? It’s because architectural tastes have changed, and the craftsmen that used to build the old styles aren’t there any more. If you’re asking why the inside of the church might be more open and spacious, Vatican II turned the priest around and had him talking directly to the congregation. He didn’t have to talk to a big old elaborate alter in Latin.

       Or you have the Irish and German church in town consolidated into one parish (instead of separate ones 2 blocks apart) and you fundraise to build one big church, instead of maintaining 2 building and a 10 mass schedule on the weekends (and because the Irish wouldn’t go the German church and vice versa anyway). Oh, and that beautiful German church was structurally unstable and needed to be torn down.

       As others have said – the music is so dependent on the music director, but also the priest presiding over that parish. This one sounds like they had someone in charge that came up thru the 60s and 70s and are using the old favorites.
       It could also be that’s the stuff the congregation will actually sing along with? There are definitely other parishes that have swung back to the really traditional stuff. There is sooooooo much variation at the parish level, that you just can’t extrapolate.

       1. I mean I’m Episcopalian, our church actually has two churches. Our new church was built in the 2000s and while it looks different than the much older church, it’s in the older, traditional style.

          My parents’ Episcopal church was built in the late 1960s and is traditional and stunning.

          Episcopal churches were all built with the priest facing that congregation during the service and yet they’re all traditional on the inside too.

   11. Sorry if I’m repeating things but I didn’t see this mentioned above. With regards to the hymns, prior to Vatican II at many churches they would have been in Latin (as would have the whole Mass). So to some extent the reason so many hymns are from right around then is because there was a moment of genesis for Catholic English language music at that time, or to co-opt hymns from other Christian faiths right at that moment. The traditional hymns in most Catholic churches are not the ones you’re probably imagining from your Episcopalian church (from England sometime between 1600-1900s), it would have been a largely different body of music.

   12. Hm that’s funny, the Catholic Church I spent most of my childhood going to, as well as my adulthood occasionally, until my mother passed away, was extremely, extremely old-school. One of the oldest buildings in the town I grew up in in California, the crucifix with the painted on blood at the crown of thorns and the nails. It freaked me out as a kid, actually. No modern hymns there, that’s for sure. Amazing Grace is about as progressive as they get

       1. I bet west coast is really different from east coast in a lot of ways!

   13. so glad I wasn’t coerced as a kid into believing any of this stuff!

       1. I don’t think you can be coerced into actually believing anything. You can be coerced into following a tradition but that doesn’t make you a believer.

          1. But a person is much more likely to become a believer if they were raised in a tradition. I was not and it’s very doubtful that I will ever have religious faith because it’s all a fairy tale to me. Am I glad about this? Not sure – I think it has pros and cons.

       2. So edgy and cool.

          1. I mean, there are literally differences in brain patterns between people who believe in an authoritative religion and people who don’t. I don’t think she’s saying that to be edgy and cool. And honestly, eff you for implying that, when it’s your religion that is literally causing the downfall of America, but congrats on getting in a sarcastic comment, I guess!

   14. I believe in God but was not raised in the church. My favorite experience was going to a Greek Orthodox traditional church for midnight mass on Easter. Not being able to understand anything added to the experience. Recently went to a VERY MODERN Catholic mass with my son and his girlfriend and just hated all of it. For me, the old music, the orchestra, and the grand architecture give me a feeling of transcedence.

       1. Yes! It’s literally mystical

       2. FWIW, there’s definitely a swing back to (some elements of) the traditional styles of music/language/decoration among younger Catholics. It’s certainly not universal but if you told me you really prefer the Tantum Ergo chanted in Latin, I’d assume you’re more likely to be 25 than 75

   15. I actually don’t think Vatican II had as much to do with it as many are saying. I would guess that its because Catholic populations experienced major growth post World War II due to immigration and the baby boom (and the lack of contraceptive use by many). I don’t think the Episcopal church had as much growth in the post-war years given that its population has traditionally been in the United States for a long time.

       1. In terms of architecture, I mean.

4. Have you had any luck with over the counter scar treatments on an old acne scar/keloid thing? I don’t even remember getting it but it’s been a few years and sometimes my hand is just drawn to scratching at it so if I could get it any flatter that would be great.

   1. Have you tried laser treatment?

      1. That was just half of what I meant to say here. No, I haven’t had any luck with OTC scar treatments, only laser has been able to do anything with my keloids.

   2. I used Mederma in the past with ok results, and I remember using one of those tape-type silicone things with success when i cut my hand pretty badly during the pandemic (after it healed), but i cannot find what product i bought.

      BUT if it’s a bug bite that has healed poorly i don’t think anything can be done about that. i forget what it’s called, but i have one on my forearm and can’t stand it, but derm says even freezing or cutting it off won’t help because it’ll grow back.

      1. Bio oil has worked great for me on fresh cuts to help them heal invisibly, but on old ones that have already formed scar tissueI wouldn’t waste money on it.

      2. It’s called a dermatofibroma! I have several and the derm told me they need to be surgically removed. Another reason to hate those pesky mosquitos!

   3. I have had great luck with keloid injections (supplemented with topical OTC treatment). My keloids were about 10 years old and pretty major. After the injections about 4 years ago, they flattened pretty much completely. There is a little discoloration and skin texture variance, but I am astonished at how well the injections worked.

      1. I’m the poster immediately above, and I should have included that these keloids were caused by acne and scratching/picking in my teens, so my experience may be particularly useful to OP.

   4. Scar tape works better than lotions but best is to get a few steroid injections from your derm.

      1. The steroid injections are the same as what the poster above me is referencing. I had really bad scars on my stomach after cancer surgery. Difference was night and day. They didn’t heal evenly though. So when I recently was in for a mole check, she gave me another. Really, really helped. Only mentioning because it was far from a fresh scar at that point (surgery was in 2021 and latest shot was earlier this summer)

   5. Biocorneum gel. I’m prone to keloids and now theyre is literally nothing there. I was religious about using it 2x a day

   6. I had something like this on my shin and never did figure out what it was. I blamed an application of Nair + shaving for its formation.

      Anyway, I got it surgically removed and 15 years later I still have the scar, but it’s a flat scar that I vastly prefer.

   7. I had a raised flakey scar which I shaved off with a callus shaver then used Differin Resurfacing Scar Gel everyday covered by a bandaid. It is significantly flatter and almost invisible today.

5. Has anyone done the German Christmas markets? Preferences on which one(s) to visit? Going with my aunt, for whom it’s a lifelong dream, but she doesn’t have any preferences or even knowledge, she just wants to walk around a Christmas wonderland :)

   1. I loved Vienna and Salzburg for this. We wandered around the city markets and enjoyed everything so much.

   2. I’ve done Koln and Berlin and enjoyed both! Berlin has more other stuff going on, but Koln is smaller and cute.

      1. Köln is lovely, and bigger than it looks – there’s the part in front of the cathedral and then a larger section a little closer to the river with an ice rink and a much bigger variety of food and drink stalls.

         (You could also go to nearby Bonn on the same trip which has a nice market plus concerts at the Beethoven museum if you get the timing right.)

         Berlin is pretty spread out and my favourite market – at Gendarmenmarkt – is in a temporary location again this year, so maybe not my first pick.

         Not all of Munich’s are special, but there’s a lot of them (particular recs are for the medieval market and the one in the Residenz courtyard), including at the airport. Plus you can day trip to Salzburg, Nuremberg (recommended with caution – it’s justifiably famous but absolutely rammed), Regensburg and more. (If the timing works for Chiemsee, getting the boat to the island is magical.)

         Otherwise, both Dresden and Leipzig are great and make for a good combination.

         Oh, and Frankfurt is surprisingly decent if you find yourself passing through to/from the airport.

         (I live in Germany so I’m not *quite* as obsessed as this sounds.)

   3. I have done quite a few: Berlin, Hannover, Heidleberg, Frankfurt, Freiburg, Hannover, Hamburg, Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Nurnberg etc. I think you get huge bang for your buck in Hamburg but I love Hamburg, in general. The have a lot of different markets that you can walk between easily, all with their own little themes and it is a fabulous city to visit. The one, main market is gorgeous with a flying Santa.

      1. I wasn’t going to recommend Hamburg because no-one ever seems to want to come up north, but I agree -it’s a great city and the markets are fab. Plus you can day trip to Lübeck and Lüneburg for a change of pace, beautiful buildings and equally good markets.

         Freiburg is a lovely city in general – if you go around Christmas I’d also recommend ducking across the French border to Colmar and or Strasbourg, which have lovely markets too. (Strasbourg I think has the better market, Colmar is the cuter town.)

         1. Snoozy, I am obsessed with all things German. Would love your thoughts. Did my undergrad in Freiburg, married a Canadian German, we went back in 2015 for two years to Hamburg where he did Staff College. Seriously considering requesting a Berlin posting for 2026 though that would be my husband in the lead and we have some indication I could actually be competitive for the European HQ legal job. BUT it would put us on the German Dutch border way up north (~30 km north of Aachen) and the kids would go to a regular Canadian school (versus international private school in Berlin). Dilemmas! I love visiting Berlin, but don’t think it is as liveable and charming as Hamburg (though we have lots of friends there) so that combined with easy flights out would be a huge plus. The HQ job for me would have location as the down side. Not super easy to get to great airports, worse school for the kids. 45 Minutes to Dusseldorf.

            1. Hmm, tricky. I agree on the liveability factor – personally Berlin is not for me. I’m currently fairly close to Hamburg and definitely prefer it there. (There’s a certain reserved north German vibe I really like.) Berlin also feels a lot more international of the two, which may or may not be what you want. I’ve heard it said people like one or the other – not sure how universal that is, but it’s true for me! They’re both big but they sprawl differently somehow.

               Your other location option – I don’t think most people would move there over Berlin, but that’s not to say you shouldn’t. It depends what you want. Aachen itself is lovely but it’s true that there’s not a lot in the immediate vicinity of where I think you’d be so the potential to meet people would definitely be more limited. Being near the Netherlands and Belgium would be fun, though. (At least in theory. I live quite near the Dutch border further north and go there maybe once a year, so…) Düsseldorf airport is a lot larger and better connected than you might think, and I rather like the city, though that’s not an opinion all that many people share, I think. Places in the general region – Düsseldorf, Cologne, Bonn, the Ruhr district – are all quite distinctive in terms of people and atmosphere, which you’d need to check out.

               Incidentally, there’s more nature acessible than you might think, if that matters. Plus the Rhine – it’s not the coast or a major harbour but it’s pretty cool.

               (Hope that helps – any opinions are inevitably going to be coloured by personal experience.)

            2. Thank you Snoozy! I agree and suspect we have similar taste. I love the historic significance of Berlin and it’s really key in my husband’s family history but it feels like a gritty waste land of kebab shops and Spielbank compared to the quaint, high end charm of Hamburg (we lived in Blankenese so that was also a unicorn experience!) but I acknowledge we can never go back ..so food for thought. I have visited the Ruhrpott a fair amount and part of husband’s family is from Bonn so it definitely has appeal. And it’s good to hear DD has a large airport. Who knows, we may not have any opportunities or just one. I appreciate your insight.

   4. We did Christmas markets in Munich, Prague, and Krakow last year and by far, the Krakow ones were the best. The Munich Christmas markets were very repetitive–we found the Krakow markets to have the best variety of stalls. Highly highly recommend.

      1. In that general direction, Vienna is also great. (Though I think the market at Schönbrunn is under new management this year.)

         And yes, I do have other hobbies! And perhaps ironically, don’t actually celebrate Christmas myself…

      2. Prague and Budapest Christmas markets were our favorites in Europe. Would love to check out the Krakow markets one day.

   5. This is also a dream of mine – OP, if you go, please report back!

   6. I recommend flying into Stuttgart, seeing that one (maybe more than one night), and venturing to any of the following markets: Esslingen (medieval theme), Ludwigsburg (Baroque-themed and you can also do a palace tour), Rothenberg ab der Tauber (absolutely stunning town), Ulm, Tubingen, and Hohenzollern Castle (small but unique and parts of it extends into the castle). Only about a 1.5-2 hr drive, is the Strasbourg market in France (the Notre Dame in their town square is amazing and has a giant atomic clock in the back)… Colmar is just a a short drive past Strasbourg. Some of the markets are reachable by metro and train… some you would require a drive. It all depends on how much time you have to spend and how you plan to travel. But, definitely consider Stuttgart as your start point.

      1. This is a great itinerary – definitely seconded. (Tübingen only does a Christmas market for three days for some reason, but it’s a lovely place to visit whether the timing works or not.)

         And if you go to Rothenberg, stay overnight if possible – it feels quite different once the day-trippers leave.

   7. What exactly is a Christmas market? To me the idea conjures up the awful tacky holiday craft fair that our city holds at the racetrack.

      1. OP here. I mean, I guess it depends on your defintion of tacky. Yes, they are holiday craft fairs – but with traditional German-made items. Blown glass ornaments, carved figurines, gingerbread, gluehwein, roast nuts, etc. The vast majority of American Christmas traditions come from Germany, so it’s a great place to visit if you enjoy traditional crafts. (Most American Christmas traditions are actually German – a combination of influence from British Queen Victoria’s German-born husband Alfred and a surge in German immigrants in the mid-19th century.)

      2. A lot of it is incredibly tacky, yes. I don’t think I‘ve ever bought anything from one of the stands, but usually you go with friends to get something to eat and drink mulled wine.

   8. As others have mentioned, the Munich markets are kind of repetitive, though the one at Chinesischer Turm is cozy when it properly snows, and the ones at Münchner Freiheit and Tollwood are kind of arty. If you want winter wonderland atmosphere, I would focus your trip in the Alsace/Black Forest/Switzerland region in general, because the towns are very picturesque all year round. Rothenburg and Regensburg are geographically outside that area but also very cute.

      Otherwise I would recommend going to where you‘d want to go anyway (Hamburg, Berlin, etc.) since it’s a nice, festive time of year to be in Germany, but it sounds like your aunt wants a specific atmosphere, so I would hit the small cute towns. Hope you have a great time!

6. I spent way too much time watching people shop Bama Rush OOTD videos. I feel like I respect how there is a mix of cheap garbage jewelry and spendy pieces (all out of my budget — I have a Qalo ring and a timex watch). Rush at my SLAC-ish state college was very very different back in the day (and I swear I got all of my leadership skills from my sorority).

   1. I’m not sure how I feel about the Rushtok videos. The cheap crap/expensive clothes seems normal, but the overall looks are pretty over the top. No one looks put together. But maybe that’s a “young” look that I don’t understand. But I’ve been loving what Ann Helen Petersen has been writing the last few days in her substack. And I’ve only been washing the Rushtok videos through her stories.

      I also learned a lot in my sorority! I was standards chair and it was an eye opener in terms of how many things people cared about and forced you to care about, how much leadership would try to bully you, and ultimately, how freeing it was to just go alumni status and walk away.

      1. I love Anne Helen Petersen’s writeups. She gets me, elder millenial who doesn’t have tiktok. I also went to a much less intense rush at a southern but not deep south school as a clueless midwesterner. It’s interesting seeing an analysis of it and who gets into different sororities (like there was a fraternity back in the day that was all guys from New Jersey, and one sorority had pledges with bob haircuts one year while others had long hair, in group sorting right there).

   2. BamaMorgan!!!! I have a senior in high school and I am glad she isn’t headed to Alabama.

      1. It’s a large state school though. Isn’t it so big that people find their tribe? I always thought that size was a plus, like if you are only socially or romantically compatible with 1% of any group, you have choices there vs somewhere like Sewanee or Sweet Briar.

         1. I know two people, both guys, who attended relatively recently under the mistaken belief that ‘Bama could offer something for everyone. These are smart, friendly, relatively social guys. The social scene was really unwelcoming, so much so that it outweighed the benefit of the full ride scholarships the school offers. One transferred out to his local state school (Maryland) and the other still talks with regret about his time there.

            1. Might this be different at big state schools that are more tech-y, like Va Tech and NC State? Kind of fearful as a parent of teens in SEC land. One would probably be OK many places but the other seems like she needs something very quiet, kind, and maybe no party culture (hard to find in a secular school, we are not the sort who wants a bible college, either).

            2. You know you don’t have to send your kid to an SEC school right?

            3. Yeah a friend went to a SEC school (we’re from the North). He didn’t rush – he likes to go out but didn’t want Greek life to be everything (he was also in the honors college). Then he realized it was nearly impossible to have a social life without being in a frat. He ended up being so miserable that he graduated early.

               I stayed in the North, was in Greek life and loved it, but it was one of many things I did in college.

            4. Can’t speak personally to NC State, but Virginia Tech is very different than Bama. I went to MIT and one of my best friends was from Virginia and most of her nerdy STEM friends from high school went to Virginia Tech. They visited us a few times and from their description of the place it sounded like the state school version of MIT, honestly. Definitely much nerdier and less fratty than a typical big southern state school.

            5. My wallet prefers in-state schools, but that is basically ACC and SEC schools, so here we are.

            6. There are a gazillion private schools and also some small public schools that are quiet and kind and not Bible colleges. Not all religiously affiliated colleges fit the Bible college stereotype either.

         2. I went to a Big Ten and definitely found my tribe. It’s just that rush at SEC and some Big Tens seems really cutthroat.

         3. I’m from Alabama and went to Alabama (full ride). I did not rush and had a great time and was able to have a social life and boyfriend w/o being Greek. (I’m also very liberal and not religious.) It is a giant state school with 30k+ undergraduate students. About a third of the students are Greek, and that decreases over time. (I knew a lot of girls that rushed but dropped their sororities after freshman or sophomore year if they were in a more difficult major.)

            I’m not saying that everyone has a positive experience or that everyone should go to Alabama, but acting like all 30k students are like the girls in these videos is ridiculous. If Rushtok had been a thing when I was a student, my friends and I probably would have watched all of these videos and laughed at them with the same fascination you are right now.

      2. I am consistently awed at how many women from states that care about women’s rights choose to go to Alabama. I know it’s because Alabama has made a concerted effort to woo them, but I will counsel my girls to focus on schools where their rights are not under attack. I had one friend in college who had an ectopic pregnancy and needed emergency medical attention – she likely would have died in Alabama today.

   3. someone on our local facebook group asked for a rec for a stylist for her daughter for rush. I was in a sorority, but at an Ivy League school and it really diversified my friendship group and I loved it. But now I live in Texas and wow I hope my girls don’t want to stay here for college bc these letters of rec, headshots, etc. are all absurd to me

      1. Totally agree the way it’s done here is out of this world.

      2. Fortunately the folks that are members of Greek life in the big TX universities are actually a small percentage of the student body, and there are a million other orgs that develop friendships and connections without the ick (ask me how I know, ha!).

         1. I hope to think that this is typical — there is a tribe there for you to find. It’s like an unrepresentative slice takes up a lot of oxygen but there are other slices out there.

      3. Omg, a stylist. That is absurd.

         I’m Canadian and we do not have this kind of university culture at all so it seems so foreign to me!

         1. Do we even have it in the US really? I see that and custom dorm rooms (if ever there was a need for wipe-clean vinyl . . .), but maybe 1% does that, if that many? It’s like Real Housewives — no one would watch a boring average undergrad trying to find cheap beer and ramen, even at Bama.

            Random though: I’m sure even at Bama, NPHC sororities aren’t like this. And I’m sure fraternity rush is more chill overall.

            1. Please come see my son’s 6 man dorm room at UC Santa Cruz and it will clear all of that from your mind!

         2. I think it’s considered weird in the US and is not at all the norm, fwiw.

         3. It’s completely foreign to us in New Jersey too, I promise!

   4. Yeah I went to a smaller, private school in the Northeast (graduated in 2017). Greek life was huge but very, very different than Bama rush.

      My cousin went to a state school in the south. We’re both Zetas. It’s laughable how different our experiences were!

   5. If you, like me, went to a Northeast school where Greek life was part of the culture but not all-consuming, Anne Helen Petersen has a really fascinating series on the Bama Rush experience and background / history on her Substack right now.

      1. +1, I’m loving it! My school did rush second semester and I skipped it but most of my guy friends were in frats so we went to all the same parties/formals with 100% less of the drama and fees. It is funny that even in my northern school the ‘old row’ sororities (the fancy tier-1 sororities) were the same as Bama. I had a friend who rushed Tri-Delt at Cornell who swore they were nothing like they were elsewhere and that their chapter was the black sheep of the sorority nationwide because of it but the school name was too prestigious for the national board to do much in the way of cite them.

         1. My school also did second semester rush, and I’m so glad they did. I wouldn’t have met the people a year ahead of me who convinced me to rush if I’d had to do it day one, or prior to day one. My sorority was an overall positive experience for me.

         2. My sorority wasn’t prestigious at my small school, but it’s one of the top ones at Bama. My school had only 4 national sororities. My niece (mentioned below) didn’t get into my sorority at Bama despite my (and many) formal letters of rec.

   6. Since Bama Rush blew up during TikTok/pandemic years, I’ve given Kendra Scott necklaces to every young lady in my life for gift occasions. Always very well received, definitely inspired by Bama Rush TikTok.

      My niece was actually a Greek at Bama while all this was blowing up. She was an active by then (not rushing) but she’s in a lot of the videos. The big white house with the pillars, that’s the one she was in. I think she pledged the year before Bama TikTok went viral.

      I was in a sorority myself at West Coast school and it was nothing like that.

      1. (And actually my sister knows Kendra. She’s a real person)

   7. The most amazing thing to me as a Charlotte transplant is the volume of kids from Latin and Country Day who go to Bama.

   8. I love your parenthetical about getting your leadership skills from your sorority! Same for me. I held a lot of offices because I’m just a gal who can’t say no, but I also learned to navigate around toxic people, which has helped me in my career more than just about anything!

      My sorority was the “eclectic” one on campus – I was drawn to it because I was a math major and a lot of my fellow math & engineering students pressed me to go through rush and I knew they’d select me based on those conversations. My house was about 1/3 music majors (my school had a big music program), 1/3 STEM, and 1/3 basically pursuing an Mrs. degree. Those three groups trying to get along was an interesting challenge, especially as 80% of us lived in the house. Toxic people existed in each group, so it really wasn’t just sticking with people like me. It was learning to find “my” people in somewhat diverse groups. I had besties in each of them!

7. I am having issues feeling resentful of my younger half sister (10 years younger than me, has barely worked since college, is going on 2 years unemployed and is basically broken and living with her parents and spends all her time playing D&D with friends. I otherwise like her and enjoy her company, but she can be lazy and entitled). we have the same mom who has always been hyper fixated on her as the favored child and really just interacts with me in order to push me to help her daughter get a job or get motivated or whatever. I on the other hand, am financially and professionally successful in my mid 30s with a good community, happy marriage, hobbies, and a full life. I feel like this situation shouldn’t grate on me since I’d much rather be where I am than where she is. But it does, especially when I’m doing hard things and people expect the world of me but she’s constantly fretting about the very few occasions when she needs to leave her comfort zone. I know I need to let this go and focus on myself but it just really isn’t fair.

   1. It’s not fair and would grate on me too!

      1. Same. Hard truth that we don’t get to pick our families.

   2. Well, you know life isn’t fair, but in the balance, you’re coming out on top. Try to have grace and understand that your younger sister is struggling and isn’t going to have the same opportunities in life that you have. It’s past the point of too late for her to succeed the way you have.

      Maybe just love her and accept your differences.

      1. I agree with the first paragraph but as to the second, I would say minimize contact instead.

         Signed, the older sister in this scenario

         1. Sounds like the bio mom is the one who op could use some distance from.

   3. What strikes me in all this your statement, “the same mom . . . really just interacts with me in order to push me to help her daughter.” That’s an incredibly distant way of talking about your own mother. There’s likely a lot of what you’re experiencing that isn’t only about your slacker sister, but is also about your mom, and whatever happened when you were 10 and your sister was born. Was it just you and your mom until you were 10? Did she remarry then, and now she, your sister, and your stepdad have formed a family that feels like it excludes you? Whatever the case is, I’d start looking at how all that plays into what you’re feeling now.

      1. We have some gaps this big in my family even with both parents overlapping and the relationship always seems to be like aunt/niece than true siblings. Generally that is a plus since there is less competition and friction but trying to make you too close might easily backfire.

      2. Yeah there’s a whole lot of unpleasantness here. My mom left us when I was a baby and got another family, although when my parents divorced they got joint custody of me. She basically forgot about me and she and my stepdad were abusive. So she’s really not my mom and is definitely the root of this. I know I kind of buried the lede here, but in any case it just sucks.

         1. Oof, I’m so sorry you went through this. With that lede- I think these feeling of resentment are telling you that you need to remove these people from your life and focus on chosen family.

         2. I’m sorry. It does suck. It sucks a whole freaking lot.

         3. Honestly? You do NOT have the same mom. You have the same human on your birth certificate, but your experiences being mothered are vastly different. I’m sorry you were deprived of the mothering relationship you should have had, and I would encourage you to focus on what you need to feel healthy and content, without regard to what she needs. Also therapy with someone who specializes in family of origin trauma.

            1. And I would take as much distance from the sister and her mother as you need. Err on the side of too much and add back in if you have the emotional bandwidth for it. Even knowing that comparison is the thief of joy, I would think that there is no way to avoid comparing the mother experience that your sister got and continues to receive vs yours, and that the comparison can only be distressing to you. As someone else has said, figure out your found family, the ones who love you, and put your focus there.

            2. +100. Even siblings in happy homes with the same two parents and a lack of traumatic events like you describe don’t always have the same parents.

               I’m sorry your mom is not a good mom to you. She probably feels some guilt about that and it’s manifesting in smothering your half-sister. I hope you can find support to grieve the relationship with your mother that you don’t have.

   4. Solidarity. In a similar situation and my parents thought my stepbrother, who got Ds and Fs in high school, would be all set for medical school while I, the valedictorian, would possibly be more suited for nursing school. They let him live rent free for many years while guilting me constantly about the cost of my private college, even though I paid them back for the $17K extra they gave me compared to my brother (they never guilted him for a thing). I haven’t seen him since before the pandemic and our interactions are limited to sharing a few memes online. He still doesn’t work. Sometimes situations are just like that.

   5. I’m really starting to think that it’s a mistake for parents to let their adult children live rent-free at home. Maybe they should always pay at least a nominal rent and have chores and responsibilities. I feel like every single day, I’m hearing stories about parents getting resentful that their 26 year-old kids loaf around the house and act entitled and don’t contribute a thing. The parents seem to have a lot of trouble setting boundaries too. Maybe setting a below-market cash rent that still forces someone to get a job would actually help?

      1. Yup. My SIL lives at home. She’s 25 going on 26, and has no plans to do anything of substance, she’s vaguely pursuing a masters degree that does not seem to lead to anything tangible. My in-laws want to retire and downsize but they can’t do that while supporting her. She is their baby and they won’t ever say anything to her, she does nothing in terms of chores and does not contribute financially, my MIL complains about her a lot and is now trying to get the other siblings to take over supporting her. She’s a nice girl but she needs a gentle kick in the rear and she’s not getting one.

      2. I lived at home for several years rent-free after university but I absolutely had to contribute to chores, cooking, etc. I was also working full-time!

      3. So what’s interesting in this is is not a “new” thing. On both my maternal and fraternal side of my family I have an aunt and uncle that failed to launch. Talking to friends, this sounds common in other families going back several generations. In one instance, I had an aunt move out into a rental house and then just not pay her rent for over a year. My grandfather got a call from the landlord letting him know that he would be evicting her. My grandfather was so ashamed because they live in a small community. He ended up driving a check over to this person same day and moved my aunt out asap. Since then said aunt has been living rent free under their roof because they do not feel like they have an alternative and she refuses to work.
         I would on the surface agree with your take and I personally would avoid letting my adult children live with me for “free”. But I’ve seen the other side of the coin where sometimes it feels like there is no choice.

         1. As best as I can tell, we’ve built a society where not everyone can hack it without much of a plan for people who can’t.

      4. That’s a bit absolute. I have one just finishing grad school and who just started her first (great) full time job while living at home.

         I don’t make her pay rent because I want her to save her money and it doesn’t make sense to me. She will pay for her share of utilities and her own groceries and car expenses once she gets her first paycheck. She is extremely motivated to get out of here eventually, that’s why she’s saving, but we are in a VHCOL area. We are looking at another two years minimum.

         Most of the world lives in multigenerational housing. If we lived elsewhere I’m sure my mother would have lived with us until she passed, and my kids would live here with their children. But that’s not the plan. Just trying to give my kids a head start – if we don’t do that for our kids, I don’t know why we have them.

         1. Same here. No need to explain yourself. The fact that people on this board have resentment against their own parents and siblings doesn’t mean you or your kids are doing anything wrong.

         2. There’s also a visibility bias – you’re much more likely to know about it when it’s not working out well, than when it did

         3. Many people who do this, collect rent, and then park it in a savings account that gets shared later with their child. It’s a way of instilling discipline on all sides, gates savings for the kid. I think it’s a great approach. Without rent, if somebody isn’t motivated, how are they going to get the motivation to leave?

            1. Sometimes motivation is intrinsic. There’s no one size fits all here.

   6. It isn’t fair, but she’s SOL in the long term unless she changes her habits.

      Think of it like training for a marathon: you’re putting in the miles every morning while she watches daytime soaps. Maybe you’re jealous now because she’s having so much fun and you aren’t, but in the long run, it’s pretty clear that your strategy is better and pays far more dividends.

      It isn’t fair… but your mom isn’t doing her any favours.

      1. Or maybe you can get therapy to not see life as a competition. I know this analogy is meant to comfort OP. But it’s not healthy for their relationship.

         1. I think this is the best piece of advice on the thread. You can have relationships with your family on whatever terms you want. You don’t have to compete with your sister—just live your life in a way that is meaningful to you.

         2. Is OP seeing it as a competition or as favouritism? The latter is insidious and it can help a LOT to know that the end result isn’t helpful to the alleged recipient. Both adult children suffer, just differently.

   7. I’m sorry you’re going through this… I just hate hearing this. Don’t get confused on allocating the responsibility here- your mom is the issue, not your half sister. Your mom is giving attention to her, showing favoritism, and that’s where your emotion is coming from. And she’s trying to get you to parent your half sister which is even worse.
      I went through this in my 20s with my brother who was the favored child and the youngest, and I’m the black sheep and oldest. In our 20s, he was playing video games, “day trading”, and living in a trailer surrounded by drug addicts and funded by our parents. I had a full time professional job, and was on my own two feet. Even then our parents would still call him the “good child” and jokingly refer to me as the “demon child” from my wild high school days. It took years of therapy and now I’m in my 40s and I can see that parental favoritism is a major problem, and that my parents subsidizing my brother did him no favors. “I’d much rather be where I am than where she is.” This statement resonates with me, because now in my 40s looking back at the time when my brother lived in a trailer, I just feel so sad, and I’m glad I was never in that situation.

      1. I love this advice and that’s basically the mantra I fall back on when I get upset about the support my sibling has/had from my parents that I didn’t.

      2. Fellow survivor of a dysfunctional family of origin here. I noticed a weird insistence on bringing up things from decades ago to try to shame me. “Remember this stupid thing you did in middle school? Hahaahhaha.”

         It’s controlling because it makes you a prisoner of your age-appropriate past actions.

   8. You are truly worlds better off than her

   9. I understand where you’re coming from. I have a sister who doesn’t work and doesn’t have kids. Her husband makes enough money to support them very comfortably and she makes comments as if money grows on trees. However, I feel bad for your sister. Her mom is enabling her and if she continues this lifestyle her chances of getting a high paying job and living a comfortable life are decreasing, unless she marries a rich spouse. Think about all the things you love, going out to dinner, traveling, hobbies, etc. She won’t have the money for those experiences.

   10. Therapy.

       1. +1

          OP, I’m very sorry to hear about your childhood. That’s …. brutal. Honestly, I would distance myself from mother/half-sister and work a little with a therapist to lift this burden a little.

          Congratulations on building such a great life for yourself. Don’t let them pull you down. You’ve come so far.

   11. What would you like your mom to do? I ask because I see myself in this, to a lesser degree. I have a phenomenally successful oldest daughter who fits a lot of the oldest daughter stereotypes, although I don’t think I have ever pushed off any parental-type responsibilities on her. My second daughter has struggled. She’s currently in college and doing well after dropping out once, living at home for a while, etc. I am currently dropping a ton of money on making her life at college easy so she can please.just.graduate. She does not have the internal drive to succeed that the rest of the family does. She does not have the same social skills. A full neuropsych exam found mild ADHD, which I think is an understatement, but she refuses medication and resists coaching. My oldest thinks I coddle the second. I have no idea what else I am supposed to be doing.

       1. Thank you for posting this and opening yourself up for feedback. Here’s what you should be doing: making your younger daughter face consequences. Even if it’s hard, even if it’s ugly. Realistically, what do you think is going to happen after she graduates? How long are you willing to drop a ton of money to make her life easy?

          If you’re willing to keep this scenario going indefinitely, be honest with yourself about it, and go in with your eyes wide open that it’s going to cause a rift with your oldest daughter eventually.

          1. +1. Go into it KNOWING it’s going to cause a rift – it already is! If that’s worth the price to you, then that is your decision. There’s no doubt this kind of thing is hard to navigate.

          2. Yup, she has to face reality and learn how to figure life out on her own.

             1. It’s really easy on an anonymous message board to say “just stop supporting her” – no loving parent is going to turn their kid out onto the streets as some sort of touch love consequence. And I’m not 10:25

          3. I don’t know how it will play out in your family, but to add a different perspective, I have a sibling who needed a lot more, both as a kid and as an adult. I resented it terribly as a child and young teenager; and I grew out of that over time. Different people have different needs and face different challenges – I mostly just feel grateful not to have faced the challenges my sibling faced. As I matured, I also was more able to recognize and appreciate the things my parents did for me because /I/ needed them, when my needs differed from my sibs, without trying to add up whose needs were overall “more” met or was it “fair”. It has not been a source of resentment in my adult relationships.

       2. If it were me, I wouldn’t let second daughter live at home after college unless she was paying some rent. Also, this is totally your decision and not your daughter’s, but if you’ve ever given them talks about what you intend to leave them in your will and how it will be “fair,” don’t forget to account for the freebies you give second daughter and not the first. It’s one thing to say upfront that you’ll give different amounts depending on your own choices or on the daughters’ needs, but it really grates to hear “it’s going to be divided equally!” when one person has been getting substantial help for years. I would say it’s grating EVEN THOUGH most reasonable people recognize they have no say in how their parents allocate any inheritance.

          1. Jumping in on a tangent: sure, *legally,* the parents can bequeath anything and nothing to their children. However, it’s a crappy way to run your family life and is an invitation for the slighted child to pull that right back on you.

             You don’t have a right to your adult children making your life easier. They don’t have to bring the grandkids out for holidays, lend you money when you need it, fly in for doctor’s appointments, take heavy things to the dump when they are over, or do home repairs for you. That’s why any child you have a reasonable relationship with is the natural benefactor of your wealth upon your death: families don’t operate by “but I don’t legally have to give you time or money.”

       3. I think in situations like this the oldest often isn’t actually any more naturally adept than the youngest, but they were forced to learn strategies. I’m the oldest to a sibling with ‘problems’ but what my parents don’t know is I have all the same diagnoses as my sibling, I just didn’t have mom and dad as a safety net so I figured it out myself. You might not have parentified your daughter but did you leave her to fend for herself because she was ‘more capable’? Is she hyper independent?

          1. Ding ding ding. I was the scapegoat older child and figured life out for myself. My younger sister was coddled and now can’t hold a job and our mother has to raise her kids.

             1. +1. My brother and I both have ADHD but I was the oldest daughter and there was a LOT less leeway for me. I figured out at ton of coping strategies/executive functioning skills in high school and he did not. Ultimately I’m glad because it has served me well while he floundered/struggled a ton in college and in his professional life. My parents also paid bills they never paid for me so he would ‘just graduate already’ while I busted my behind to support myself in college.
                Do I resent it? Yes, and our relationship suffers to this day as they continue to enable him in many ways. I truly worry for him when they pass away and there aren’t any more checks/support. I don’t hate him, and I understand why our parents act this way (golden child/black sheep stuff) but our sibling relationship will never recover.

             2. Wow, our family dynamics sound exactly the same, I’m so sorry. My sibling relationship will similarly never recover.

             3. Ding ding ding indeed. I am feeling seen in this thread. Left to cope because I could, even when it meant as a young adult that I didn’t have hardly any food in the house and no idea where next weeks groceries were coming from, whilst sibling has everything handed to him on a silver platter – no deficits, just utterly willing to lay down and say “I can’t”. He was on the all things paid ride when I was fresh out of law school and my student loan payments were 27% of my monthly gross and I was quite literally living on rice and dried beans.

                My mother was sending him large sums of money until her incapacity and subsequent death and he was well into his thirties.

                That kind of scenario cannot be navigated without immense amounts of resentment against the parent and the lazy sibling.

          2. Scapegoat younger child to an irresponsible and cruel oldest.

       4. What I did with my struggling child may not work in your situation but here’s what I did.

          In this case, it’s my older son who struggled for various reasons. His father (my ex) pushed him to go to junior college straight out of high school when he’d honestly barely graduated and shouldn’t have.

          I have always told my kids that they could live with me rent-free if they’re in school. And if they weren’t in school, they could still live with me and share the rent costs. So at the time, J (my son) lived with me and my younger son B, who was still in high school while attending juco. J promptly flunked out that first semester.

          The school let him come back on probation for the second semester. He flunked again. So in late May that year, I said hey starting July 1, since you’re no longer in school, your share of the rent is this amount.

          He moved out a couple of weeks later. I think he figured if he had to pay rent, he’d rather be out on his own.

          Personally I was really scared because he’s also got type 1 diabetes and at the time, wasn’t in good control.

          I’ve asked him way after the fact (he’s 43 now) how that affected him, and did he think that was a good thing or a bad thing to have done. He said overall it was really good, he had no resentment toward me and he only then started taking responsibility for himself financially and w/ his diabetes.

          So for us, the story ended well.

          I wish you much peace as you navigate through this because it’s God’s own truth, everyone will have an opinion on how you should parent your second daughter.

          1. Great story. Thanks for sharing it. Well done Mom.

          2. Bravo. We all think we could do this but many of cannot. My parents certainly couldn’t. It tool great discipline and courage.

       5. From my perspective as the oldest daughter, there are 2 parts to this. 1 is that I have worked really hard in a lot of ways (professionally, financially, interpersonally, unlearning a lot of bad habits and parental teachings etc) and am truly phenomenal. I would like my mother to notice what’s good about me and celebrate it vs shying away from it because how will my sister feel or not noticing because all of her attention is on my sister. 2 is to stop enabling my sister, who by her own admission will not do anything unless there is an external impetus. She wont get a job as long as her parents are covering everything. She needs to not be sheltered from the obvious consequences of her actions. Emeralds is on point here.

          1. Omg yes, the whole “never point out what older sister is doing well lest it make younger sibling feel bad” thing is the worst. That’s what I grew up with and it was so damaging to never, and I do mean never, get a compliment or praised for my hard work.

             1. i had this too as an older kid…but i will say on the other end as a parent it is so hard to figure out! especially now as the parent of twins.

             2. I authored something that impacts millions of people, my mom admitted to me last week she didn’t read it because she didn’t want to make my brother feel bad. Completely heart breaking that I literally changed the world but my brother’s feelings are still more important.

             3. I just can’t see how it’s damaging in any real way to sibling #2 if the parent says “great job honey, I’m proud of how hard you worked this year” to sibling #1. To me, sibling 2 coping with any resentment or jealousy from that is a learning experience. He or she will certainly get compliments too, whether it’s related to sports or relationships or chores.

             4. Anonymous1208, I am so sorry. That is utterly devastating.

             5. Same here. One example was that I picked up a musical instrument in school orchestra. I got quite good even without private lessons and was second chair in a large section in an excellent middle school program, but wanted private lessons so I could it to the next level and start doing youth orchestras, be principal in the top high school ensemble, make honor orchestras, etc. My little sister wanted to play the same instrument and my parents got HER lessons, not me, so she could “catch up” because it wasn’t fair that I had a head start just from being older. After she discovered she had no talent and quit they finally did relent and let me have lessons. I achieved all of my goals, but my father never attended any of my performances or acknowledged any of my achievements. To her credit, my mother finally figured it out and when I was in college even drove all over the state to see some of my performances.

             6. I feel seen. This is how families get into the habit of walking on eggshells around the less successful sibling — it feels so maniplative!

          2. I think you know….. you can’t change your mother. I am so sorry, but she will likely never respond the way you would like her to. It is important for you at this point to figure out how to deal with that, so it doesn’t cause you so much angst. You are very normal for feeling as you do. Therapy could be helpful

             1. +1 your mother is not this mother, unfortunately. I’m sorry. You have to start the grieving process – the mother you want is gone.

       6. Agree with the people that you’re already kind of enabling this behavior by making her life easy now so she can graduate. What is it that her graduation will give YOU that feels so worthwhile to you? She’s not going suddenly get more motivated once that happens. That’s a marker for you, but it doesn’t sound like it will be a marker for her, and you’ll want to continue to support her for years.

          1. If she has a college degree, I will feel a whole lot better telling her to sink or swim. That’s why I am making it as easy as possible to get the degree. She’s only 23 so let’s not have me raising her nonexistent kids while she loafs on the couch just yet.

             FWIW, I have provided the same opportunities to my oldest. She graduated from law school without loans and we’ve provided anything material that she needs. I am taking to heart the advice to make sure I am in no way diminishing the accomplishments of my oldest. The younger ones think I highlight them too much. Parenting is hard, y’all.

       7. I’m the hyper-functional oldest with a less functional younger brother and have good relationships with everyone involved. I think the things my parents have done well are:
          – never made me a teeny bit responsible for my brother. There’s zero expectation that I’ll be supporting him in the future. I don’t need to walk on eggshells around him or consider his mood etc etc. They don’t tell me how much support they’re giving him, or if it’s stressful for them or not. Their relationship with him is their own business.
          – they fully support me in my needs. They’re proud of my accomplishments, celebrated graduations, contributed what they could to my wedding, are beaming grandparents. I’m very happy and appreciative of my relationship with my parents, so honestly it doesn’t really matter to me how they’re supporting my brother other than a genuine hope that all 3 are happy with it.

          1. Could have written this myself. Feel very lucky in this regard!

       8. I’m not the OP, but what you do for your second child is your business in my opinion. I would focus on having a good personal relationship with your older daughter. She can have her own separate relationship with her sister, and you can stay out of it. What does she need from your relationship? How can you invest in your relationship with your older daughter?

       9. I ask this gently — do you offer much more care and attention to your younger daughter? That’s what I see in my own family; the idea that I can do well on my own means I don’t get the same level of care. Note that I didn’t say the same *kind* of care. But it’s hard not to feel, over time, that my mom simply loves me less because I need her differently.

          I get that a struggling child (whether that struggle is self-induced, not, or a little bit of both) might automatically get more attention. But over decades, I have been shunted to the side because I didn’t need as much help, which also meant that I didn’t get as much love (or so it feels).

          So, gently, I’d suggest you think about the kind of love and attention you give your older daughter, irrespective of how it compares to the kind of love and attention and support your give your younger daughter. Is it possible that the needs of the younger take up so much emotional energy that you simply don’t/can’t offer emotional care to the other? If so — and I speak only for myself — that might end up feeling to your older daughter like she doesn’t merit maternal love, at least not to the same degree. And that’s a core wound that is difficult to heal.

   12. i mean my understanding is that that age group is in complete despair because none of them can get jobs, so i wouldn’t be too envious of hers.

       i am sorry about your mom though, that sucks.

       1. This isn’t entirely true though. There are a lot of people in that age group who are wildly successful and thriving. However, I don’t know what separates them from those who are struggling. I suspect mental health coping skills have something to do with it.

   13. It sounds like you have an understandable issue with your mom that is bleeding into your relationship with your sister. I don’t have an easy solution, but you’re framing this as an issue with your sister when it sounds like the root issue is with your mom.

       1. +1

       2. A lot of people are already getting the mental health support that is available for people in their position, therapy and meds. Sometimes I wonder if the meds are always helping, since the one time a doctor had me try them for “anxiety” symptoms that ended up being something else altogether, they sapped my motivation and made me feel like an automaton zombie.

   14. I also have a difficult relationship with my mom, and she’s always preferred my sister. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. Strangely enough, I found direction and comfort from something Scott Galloway said in speaking about his relationship with his absent / difficult father. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s roughly you can’t change them or the past, but you can decide what kind of daughter (or sibling) that you want to be, and just do that. It’s been really helpful to me in defining the relationship I will have with my mom in her remaining years that makes me happy with myself, and somehow, it’s enough.

   15. This sounds painful and if I were in your shoes I’d start by addressing your relationship with your mom, because it sounds like that’s what’s really at the center of the hurt. You can address it as works for you, to communicate to your mom that you want your own relationship with her that has nothing to do with lil sis. Your mom may simply be lost in this situation and not realizing she is hurting you. She may not know how to connect with an adult child and need to build those skills. And then you can be clear and set boundaries and simply not engage in talk about lil sis.

   16. The only answer I have is to let go of your expectations of your mother. She isn’t able or willing to give you what you want. By continuing to expect it you are only disappointing yourself.

       1. +1000 to this. Acceptance will set you free, OP. And then you can free yourself from any sense of obligation to respond to anything she throws your way.

8. Help me shop? Trying to buy a summer dress for family photos. Ideally: monochrome, with sleeves, short to midi length, and not black or white. I’m fairly short (< 5'2"), and would like something that defines my shape but isn't skin-tight. Boden doesn't work for me, and I've struck out at Sezane (so many pretty prints, though!). Budget is under $300, if possible.

   1. The Somerset Maxi at Anthropologie. There is a short version. I did the maxi length version for Fall pics last year.
      Belk also has a knock-off of it in their Crown & Ivy line. They had some bold (blue, green, pink) solid eyelet versions earlier this summer.

      1. I wore the Somerset eyelet maxi for summer pics last year! So pretty. Don’t wear it with heels.

   2. Try Quince? There is a cute tiered mini that is a dupe for the Anthropologie Somerset mini, which I was going to recommend but they’re all prints except the denim ones. The Somerset shirtdress, which does come in petite and in solids, is my current favorite. I wear it with a wide belt.

      I’d try Tuckernuck as well.

      1. Thank you! I will check both out — I have dresses from both that fit me well. Although browsing Tuckernuck now, my first thought was that there are SO many puffed sleeves (and all I can think of is “Anne of Green Gables”…)

         1. It’s not just Tuckernuck. I think all dress sleeves right now are puffed.

      2. Quick question about Quince, is it true to size? Anyone know if it’s friendly to apple shapes?

   3. Would you consider renting something from Rent the Runway? Since it’s just for family photos and you may not wear it again? I did that for family photos and it worked great. I did the subscription box since it was only a bit more than the single rental and then I had some options to try.

      1. Unfortunately, I can’t for these photos — we’re going to take the photos while on vacation! Although I guess I could theoretically do the subscription box and then wouldn’t need to return them within a four day window…

         1. You can get the dress shipped to your hotel and then return from your vacation destination as well. I guess if you’re going international that might not work but it’s an option for domestic vacation! I believe they also have an 8 day rental window option too.

            1. International trip!

         2. I’d suggest RTR subscription so you can bring several fun dresses for vacation! I love dressing up for traveling (well, for time at my destination, not the actual travel)

   4. https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?pid=451508021&cid=1145496&pcid=1145496&vid=3&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AWomen%27s+Clothing%3AShop+All+Petites+Clothing&cpos=133&cexp=368&kcid=CategoryIDs%3D1145496&ctype=Listing&cpid=res24081508816905475136314#pdp-page-content

   5. Would this work in the gold color? The detail at the front is really pretty: https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=446199022&vid=1&searchText=mari+dress#pdp-page-content

      1. This is basically perfect, exactly what I’m looking for…. and not available in my size! I will keep an eye out in case it comes back in stock…

   6. Dillards has a great selection of dresses.👗

9. Is there a name for emotional color blindness? My parents are both academics and just seem disconnected from emotions it startles me sometimes. Example- when my husband had an affair, I asked my mom to come see me and the kids and she seemed utterly baffled, why do you want me to do that? I had to explain to her it would just be nice to have her and my dad around. She suggested that she just send money so I could go on a trip or something and then ultimately agreed to come. They both recognize the physical manifestations of others feelings and occasionally express feelings of their own in quite limited circumstances. I have wondered if they were autistic but I don’t see them exhibiting signs of repetitive behavior or anything like that. Sometimes they do things that make absolute practical sense to them, but can’t seem to see the social implications. For a few years, my dad decided that he would work out at the gym wearing his old dress shirts for work, but with the sleeves cut off. Practical, yes, and he wasn’t at all embarrassed and did not see this as odd in any way. Is there a name for what they have or is this just classic academics?

   1. My mom is similar. When I had one newborn twin in the NICU and one at home, she kept telling me it was great because I only had one baby to care for with my toddler. Practical, maybe? But emotionally so blind. She also does not discuss feelings at all. I suspect it may be generational.

   2. My parents are in their late 50’s parents that act in similar ways. They are not academics, but they are both college educated and have had successful careers. My therapist helped me ID this as “avoidant” behavior. Once I heard that phrase it helped things click for me in regards to how they react. Which includes dodging being supportive when emotions are involved.

   3. It’s called being self-absorbed and callous.

      I don’t mean to sound harsh towards you, but we need to stop turning everything into a nice neat diagnosis. Sometimes, people are just not good people.

      1. Eh. That’s probably unwarranted. The OP would know if that’s what she was dealing with.

         People really do come all ways. It’s fine to recognize differences in people and calibrate accordingly. It’s a recipe for failure to pretend otherwise.

         1. Eh, I’ve spent my life trying to “calibrate” to family members who are actually… just selfish and arrogant. Through a lot of pain, I figured out that they simply don’t care. It’s done wonders for my mental health to let go of the expectation that they have normal human levels of empathy.

            1. That’s you, though. That’s not necessarily OP’s situation.

      2. Sometimes it’s helpful for the person that has to deal with the outlandish behavior, to frame it as a deficiency and not as bad intent. It’s not necessarily about giving someone a pass, but creating a framework that helps you move forward.

      3. I think it’s more nuanced than that. My mom, for example, cares deeply for me. She just seems oblivious to feelings. She helps me a TON with my kids, does many of my house chores, took nighttime shifts when my twins were newborns, and more. She’s not self absorbed at all and sacrifices a lot of her time and energy for me. She just can’t figure out emotions and feelings.

   4. My mom is the worst when it comes to being oblivious socially!! It can be embarrassing being with her out in public. I think it’s a combination of not realizing when she’s being inappropriate and not caring what other people think. I’ve wondered if she’s autistic as well tbh.

      1. Yes the subscription box you keep for a month so could schedule it around your vacation schedule. I did that for a work conference and it worked fine. And if you don’t want to carry it back and your vacay is state side, you could ship back from where your vacation is no problem.

         1. Oops, wrong spot

   5. Just FYI for ASD academics their special interests and repetitive behavior is often related to their field of study. Your own second hand embarrassment from your dad’s shirt thing is fascinating though since it’s doesn’t cause harm (emotional or physical) and is environmentally responsible. Seems like you may have picked up on your parents differences and internalized pressure to be hyper-normal.

      1. I don’t know if I agree with this. Wearing the appropriate clothing for activities is a normal thing to expect, unless you are a small child. If a small child wore a princess costume or a bathing suit to a gym, I would not bat an eye. If I saw a middle aged man in a button down oxford with the sleeves cut off on the stairmaster, I would find that very odd.

         1. You definitely sound like you are invested in “normal” and “odd” to a neurotypical degree! Not everyone pays much attention to what’s merely normal and not otherwise good or merely odd and not otherwise a problem.

      2. It does cause harm to OP, though, if it gets around town that OP’s dad is the werido who goes to the gym in a dress shirt with cut-off sleeves.

         1. Haha no it does not. Come on.

         2. Oh, please. “If it gets around town”? What is this, Stars Hollow from the Gilmore Girls?

            1. Right? My dad mowed the front lawn wearing a cowboy hat, no shirt, swim shorts, and cowboy boots.

               His logic was that 1) his doctor told him to protect his balding scalp from the sun, 2) shorts because it was hot and he might take a dip in the pool later, and 3) cowboy boots because it protected his feet and lower shins from anything the lawn mower might kick up, and they were his most comfortable shoes anyway.

               Yes, he was an inventor / mathematician.

               I was mildly worried about what people would think when I was in middle school, but now I’m a grownup old enough to post on here, which I certainly hope 2:03 is as well.

         3. eh no matter what your parents wear, something about it is going to be mortifying to teenagers. law of the universe.

   6. Autism is a broad spectrum that now includes what used to be (unfortunately) called Asperger’s, so if it sort of fits, it may still have relevance? I’m definitely hearing a lack of concern about social perception, inability to pick up on social cues, and some literalism in your anecdotes. I wouldn’t really expect to see super overt signs in autistic people who ended up in academia since it’s hard to be that successful with more disabling or just obvious manifestations.

      I don’t know the full context though; are they from a different culture? I know sometimes people never fully pick up on a different culture’s social expectations, or some cultures are just less emotional and less fussy about social things than others.

      1. Something about the OP’s post made me think of Sheldon Cooper, who needs flow charts and the like to get through social interactions. Many viewers, myself included, feel like his behaviors are in line with Asperger’s, though the show’s creators say that wasn’t their goal when creating the character.

         1. My spouse jokingly calls me Sheldon. As far as I know I am not at all on the spectrum and no one has raised that concern about me ever in my life. I have emotions and experience empathy, I am just hyper logical and struggle to convey my feelings when reacting to situations in front of me. Maybe not quite so bluntly and obliviously as the OP’s parents, but it is definitely something I have to intentionally work at.

            1. This type of comment is infuriating as the parent of an adult kid with awesome. They have emotions (sometimes really intense that make it hard to communicate) and have so much empathy – maybe less for strangers than for family and animals, but I see that on this board all the time. Autistic people are not automatons or robots in a human body. They perceive and think about the world differently.

            2. Okay? I’m not sure why you find my comment infuriating. I was trying to point out that just because people express themselves differently that does not mean they are void of emotions altogether. It sounds like you actually agree but are angry about it, which does not make sense.

   7. I don’t know what it is, but I know what you mean. I have a relative who says the stupidest things to people – “well it wasn’t a real pregnancy anyway, right” to someone who had a miscarriage or “he was old and didn’t take care of himself” about someone who died and left a bereaved widow. The thing is is that I have seen her be absolutely non-blind too, but it’s like she clicks into this horrific mode for a while and doesn’t snap out for it. I really don’t know what to make of it.

      1. OP here and yes, this is 100% my mom. Sometimes it’s like she is exhibiting proper behaviors, and very helpful, considerate, and thoughtful. She can be a great host and has really nice family dinners. And then other times she is making statements like what you described. She literally said that exact thing to me when I had an early miscarriage. She came with me to my girls gymnastics class this week and spent the whole time talking not quietly about socioeconomic status and how poor people can’t afford to take their kids to gymnastics but there are subsidies sometimes and people should take advantage of them, then saw one girl struggling on one of the bars, pointed at her and said, wow, that one is really bad. I don’t believe she was trying to insult anyone. I really felt like she was having an armchair academic discussion with herself but out loud. Like an academic Michael Scott.

         1. I hear you on this. Just last night, me and DH conversation was him telling me, sweetie, you cannot tell your mom “you aren’t reading the room” (when she was not picking up now was the wrong time to have a conversation) because she literally cannot. As someone whose parents are both academic adjacent and not diagnosed ASD (but I have strong suspicions), it is just hard and I don’t have any good advice. Over the years, I’ve leaned a lot into my MIL and friends for the emotional support side of things just because she can “get it” when stuff is going on. It took a lot of time to just mourn the fact that I would not have a “normal” relationship with my mom, and there wasn’t going to be a fix for that. Sorry, if this comes off as gloomy, just had one of those weeks with my mom too.

      2. While I’ve learned now to stay quiet in uncomfortable social situations, a lot of ASD people have trouble lying which means the comforting lies people expect are almost impossible to spit out. I had an uncle recently die and he was not a good guy an alcoholic, he abused my cousins, and cheated on my aunt. I probably said 5 words the whole funeral because I couldn’t craft the right lie so silence was the option.

         1. Thank you for being sensitive. I would have LOVED silence rather than “it wasn’t a real pregnancy” followed by “oh well, you can try again.” Seriously, silence is golden sometimes.

            Also, I wouldn’t mourn an uncle like that either. I bet most aren’t.

            1. I appreciate that you think silence was the right option but it required a lot of running away, sometimes literally if I knew someone was approaching me who would expect me to lie. I know how to not get myself stuck in those conversations anymore but it requires a lot of vigilance.

         2. This is so interesting, and I didn’t know this. My boyfriend has ASD and similarly cannot lie. One of my favorite early memories was that his mom sent over some elderberry syrup for me when I was sick. I took some of it, but I didn’t use it all because I didn’t like the taste. When we were washing out the bottle, I told him to tell her thank you and that I enjoyed it. Which certainly wasn’t 100% true, but I did enjoy that she thought of me, and this is the type of white lie that I think is fine. He looked at me, completely horrified, and said, “You want me to LIE to my MOM???” Once he said it that way, I understood why he’d feel uncomfortable saying it, so we decided he could just tell her “thank you.” We do laugh about it now.

            1. Haha that’s the most autistic thing ever, I love it and I love than you can laugh about it and understand it.

            2. My son has ASD and we spend a lot of time talking about social niceities. He doesn’t fib/lie so we’ve taught him to say things that are true but more about the person than the situation. So – ‘tell your mom I really appreciate her thinking of me’ for the syrup. Or for a meal he doesn’t like ‘thank you so much for taking the time to cook for me!’ (or when pushed, ‘this isn’t my favorite but I appreciate the effort!). As a mom it’s not fun to hear ‘mom, your hair looks weird’ (I cut it and colored it) so we also focus on ‘neutral observations’ – ‘mom, you changed your hair, do you like it better this way?’ or tell him that he’s allowed to keep thoughts private!

      3. After going through some difficult losses in my family, it doesn’t seem to be all that small a minority of people who say things like this. I am not sure if it is related to toxic positivity or cultural discomfort with mortality or what exactly it is, but it’s like the absolute worst form of “look on the bright side” and it feels like people can’t help themselves.

         1. I lost my child to cancer, and you would absolutely not believe the “look on the bright side” things people said to me.

            I try to pipe up in most of the “how to I support my friend’s grief?” posts to remind people that it’s ok to just say “I’m so sorry” and not “but here’s what’s good about it…”

   8. Alexithymia
      https://psychcentral.com/relationships/alexithymia-in-relationships

      1. Thank you!

   9. Your mom’s attitude is very generational I think; many folks just didn’t learn to be nurturing or have their parents nurture them. I’ve learned to expect very little from my mom as she’s said and done similar things.

      Your dad, idk, that sounds like the old professor stereotype to me. It’s weird but ultimately doesn’t hurt anyone but himself.

   10. Sounds like they have underdeveloped emotional intelligence.

   11. My parents are like this, but they are also refugees from a war-torn country. Something clicked for me when I learned about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in high school psychology (decades ago). My parents are firmly stuck in the second tier from the bottom – safety needs, which wikipedia says includes health and financial security. Feelings and emotional needs are just not a thing that exists for them. I remember learning about the top tier, self-actualization, and thinking that was a “white person” luxury (or rich person, etc) that I could never achieve myself, as it is something that is just so beyond my parents’ grasp to even comprehend. Even if your parents don’t have that refugee or cultural mismatch background, maybe they are also stuck near the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid?

       1. This really resonates with me. My parents were young children in war torn WWII Europe and they just seem so callous at times. My SIL, with similar parents, says the same thing about her parents. They are different breed having spent too many years in survival mode.

10. Thanks all who have encouraged colonoscopy. I just had my first, which I irresponsibly put it off until age 58. All clear, and I don’t have to go back for 10 years. If you have been putting it off, now is a good time to schedule it. (PS – the prep was awful for me but the test was so quick and painless and I was out of anesthesia by 8 am).

    1. Good for you! I had to start getting them at 37 thanks to family history/risks. They are really not that bad. I didn’t find the prep bad at all (I didn’t drink the 4L nasty liquid, I did another method). Colon cancer is really treatable if caught early!

    2. People should also be aware that there are non-invasive testing options to start with now, including stool sample tests you can do at home. Please talk to your doctor about what’s right for you!

       1. Definitely ask your own doctor, but mine said that those at-home tests are not very accurate. Again, that’s just my doc’s opinion, so ask yours.

          1. They’re screening tests and not diagnostic – you’ll still need a colonoscopy if something turns up, but they’re GREAT for getting people who are terrified of colonoscopies through the door to care.

             1. I think the concern is usually more about false reassurance than about confirming the need for colonoscopy.

       2. Yeah, they’re not good but the commercials make it sound like you’re empowering yourself by choosing them — that’s because your doctor won’t choose them.

          1. This. The accuracy is very poor.

    3. Seconding that they are really not bad at all. The prep drink is miserable, but beyond that even the prep itself wasn’t a huge deal.

       1. Colonoscopies are very important for everyone–as soon as recommended. I have celiac disease and started colonoscopies shortly after my (adult) diagnosis. I faithfully have the procedure as prescribed every 2-5 years.

          I think it’s important not to downplay the potential challenges of preparation for some people with GI issues. Sadly, prep is miserable for me, even though I can manage the prep drink. One colonoscopy literally broke our septic system.

          The prep hasn’t been bad for my husband. But I need to plan for a full two days off work in order to prepare and then recover from the procedure.

          1. People also need to be aware that there are alternative prep options these days. Sometimes insurance doesn’t want to cover prescription ones, but it may be worth it even if it’s out of pocket.

       2. I did a kind of prep that was just Miralax (tasteless powder) in Gatorade and it was nbd to drink. It depends on the doctor/clinic though.

          1. That’s what I did, although I poured the container of Miralax into a two-quart pitcher of iced tea that I brewed up and drank all day (plus snacking on non-red or orange jello!). The taste of the liquids wasn’t unpleasant, and the resulting evacuation was tolerable (especially as I had eaten rather lightly the day before). And I had to do the prep twice, because of a mixup regarding my first colonoscopy appointment where the colonoscopy didn’t happen. The second time was easier, as it was not as mysterious as the first. You can do it!

             1. Oh, I would be raving mad if I did colonoscopy prep only for the colonoscopy not to happen! I haven’t seen any colonoscopy-related murder stories in the news, so I assume you’re a better person than I am.

    4. I’m so happy for you! Seriously, everyone, get this done. It’s so important and it’s relatively easy.

       1. Same here – I delayed it a couple of years because I was dreading the prep and it was totally fine! I did the pills not the drink and it was a breeze.

    5. My cousin died of colon cancer at 47, back when screens were only recommended at 50. Think of the Black Panther. Get screened, y’all!

11. Way to bury the lede that long cardigans are back! Is that true?

    1. I hope not.

       1. Haha, ditto. I don’t need a piece of thick fabric to lovingly drape my hips…

          1. Whereas broad shouldered and very short waisted me would love it!

    2. i don’t think they ever left — kind of the way bootcuts never left even during skinny jean time. but farm rio has some, and there are a lot of long sweater vests.

    3. This makes me happy. I always liked them.

    4. Wait what? I really loved mine.

12. I bought the Ann Taylor purply suit featured here last week (?) and the color is GORGEOUS. However, question – which blazer will be in style for longer? The “long collarless blazer” or the “shorter one button peak lapel blazer”? L i n k s to follow

    1. https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/suits/cata000013/829670.html?dwvar_829670_color=8558

    2. https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/suits/cata000013/829734.html?dwvar_829734_color=8558

    3. i think they’re both going to be in style for a long time; go for whichever one is more flattering to you. the shorter one is a classic but hasn’t been trendy for a while. the collarless one is less classic but has had a long run of being trendy, but i think is going to be around for years also.

       1. Agree that I would pick the shape that is more flattering on you. If both work, I’d choose the shorter one (I’m pear shaped, and prefer more classic and less trendy silhouettes)

          Ann Taylor does have some beautiful colors, and I have one of their cashmere sweaters in this color.

    4. Oh wow, the color IS gorgeous! If you’re looking for a way to decide which jacket to keep, maybe you can also think in terms of which one you can wear more ways?

    5. I love the color!

       On the shorter one, does it really have just one button? Is the “how to style it” image just bad AI that makes it look like it has three buttons?

       1. YES it is not double b r e a s t e d like the how to style pic!

    6. For me, it would be the long collarless one. That’s a classic style to my eye, and I’m tall so long is always going to be better on me. Some of this just depends on which one looks best on you.

13. Low stakes question headed into the weekend…what’s your favorite cocktail you can make ahead of time in a pitcher? I’m looking for something refreshing for a summer day outside; easy; 3-4 straightforward ingredients max; and no prep before serving that’s more complicated than topping with tonic water.

    Someone else is already bringing sangria so that’s regrettably out.

    1. Aperol spritz. Super easy to make in bulk. It’s just aperol, sparkling wine, and club soda. Add some orange slices.

    2. Pimm’s cup

    3. lemonade, mint + alcohol of choice

       1. Smitten kitchen has a good mint lemon/limeade recipe (“lemon and lime mintade”) that I’ve been using the last few weeks. I double the recipe and use store bought lemon and lime juice to make it instead of zesting and juicing fresh fruit and it tastes fine. I store the mint lemonade mix in a jug plus a bottle of seltzer to add when I’m ready to make it.

    4. google “freezer door cocktails”

       https://www.themixer.com/en-us/plan/freezer-door-cocktails/

    5. Strawberry margaritas. Tequila, lime, cointreau, strawberry syrup and a little bit of water (maybe 0.25 oz per serving) to make up for not diluting it by shaking. Just give the pitcher a stir before pouring over ice.

    6. lol, Costco Margarita. Premixed. Tasty.

       1. Alas I live in one of those cursèd states where Costco can’t sell liquor, otherwise this would have already been in my fridge to chill.

    7. Simple margaritas. Trader Joe’s jalapeño limeaid mixed w good tequila. About 3-1 ratio, roughly. Easiest thing ever and a total hit.

       1. +1 this stuff is great. I actually do 1/2 jalapeno limeade, 1/2 simply lemonade topped with seltzer for a mocktail.

    8. Bourbon lemonade. Bottle of simply lemonade plus bourbon to taste. I don’t love sweet things so I might do half lemonade and half seltzer plus bourbon.

       1. The Kitchn’s recipe for mint julep’s works well too for a different take. It is STRONG, so adjust accordingly.

    9. Bourbon slush if you’re willing to either use a blender before serving to break it up or time the thaw to the serving time. Freeze it in gallon size plastic freezer bags and it will sit nicely in the freezer until you want it. I usually have a frozen bag of this in reserve in the freezer in hot weather.
       https://www.southernliving.com/recipes/what-can-i-bring-bourbon-slush-recipe

    10. Thanks all! I don’t know why I wasn’t thinking about the lemonade/limeade route, but one of those variations sounds perfect.

    11. Mojito

    12. Negroni (gin) or boulevardier (bourbon). Mix your liquor with campari and vermouth. Have some ice and orange slices for people to add to their glass, or mix it all up in the pitcher.

    13. Margaritas. Everyone loves a margarita. I make mine with blanco tequila. It’s 2 parts tequila to 1 part Cointreau and 1 part fresh lime juice. You can up the Cointreau to your taste.

        I prefer a margarita on the rocks with an unsalted rim, but you can get fancy and rim some rocks glasses with either kosher salt or Tajin or a mix of the two.

    14. Rum punch with pineapple juice etc.

    15. My favorite is a recipe for a pitcher of gin and tonic that I found in “the Best American Recipes 2003-2004” cookbook. Here is a link to a similar recipe, which generally involves 5 limes, a liter/quart of tonic, and two cups of gin:

        https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/6420-gin-and-tonic

        Enjoy!

    16. Finnish long drink (lonkero in Finnish)! You can actually buy it canned, but I make my own version with gin, St. Elder, and San Pellegrino Pompelmo soda. In a highball glass, add ice and a couple dashes of grapefruit bitters (omit if you don’t have), 1.5 oz. gin (or more!), and .5 – .75 oz. St. Elder, then stir. Top with Pompelmo soda (about half a can). Scale up in a pitcher for a crowd.

14. Just wanted to shout out Boden for those who are on the fence. I bought three dresses from them recently (the Laura, Abigail, and a striped jersey dress without a name) and I did return the button down shirt dress because it didn’t work well with the pattern I’d chosen and my boobs, but the other two dresses were wonderful, they fit great, and the material was nice and felt luxe. The Abigail has pockets but they don’t ruin the line of the dress at all, and I think they’re super flattering for someone who runs a little top heavy. I’ve just been wearing them with a black suit jacket on top for work. Also the returns process was not difficult at all.

    1. I love their quirky patterns so much, but their dresses run so short-waisted, they’re downright unflattering on me. Makes me sad.

       1. +1 on them being short waisted. They do sometimes have Talls as an option and those sometimes work if you don’t mind some hemming.

    2. Love, love, love their Ellen Ottoman dress. The regular version is too short for me, so I just get Tall, which works well.

15. Is it more of a trend to have a court marriage now amongst the currents 20-30 somethings that it would’ve been say a decade ago? I don’t mean court marry by yourselves or just with immediate families and then that’s it. I mean court marry and then throw the big wedding with another ceremony and the reception later – sometimes a few months later, sometimes 1-2 years later.

    I feel like one couple in my peer group did this a decade ago and there were very specific reasons — groom taking a job across the country and bride to be worried about upending her own career to move with him only to get broken up with across the country so they snuck off to Vegas and married. It was a total secret to everyone for nearly 2 years – they told after they threw the family wedding.

    Now it’s seems like half the weddings I’m invited to – months or a year in advance the couple will post social media pics announcing they’ve married already. Is this the trend now?

    1. I think it became popular during COVID.

       1. This. Covid made it a thing and then in became normal for a generation.

       2. +1

       3. Same, and I think it’s a good thing. Wedding planing can be so stressful – decoupling the party stress from the actual getting married part must be lovely.

          1. Yea I would love to get married at a courthouse on a Friday afternoon and then have a nice dinner at night. I’d rather be legally married with a good prenup before my bf and I get married.

       4. Yep, Covid made this more common. I don’t understand the point though. A lot of these couples are still having the $50-100K reception for 150 people so it isn’t cheaper or easier to plan. You’re dealing with the exact same stress and family dynamics.

    2. Yes I know several people with adult kids and they are doing this. I do think it’s becoming more common. DH and I did it 15 years ago and we only know one other couple who did.

       1. Same as us. I had just been accepted into the JAG and was to start Basic Training in one month and we didn’t have the time to obtain the licence in the province we wanted the wedding to be in so we did a court house ceremony in our city and held the wedding three weeks later in the other province. Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of the court house ceremony. We actually got married a third time because my husband converted to my religion and the church required it. So we had a lunch time ceremony where I splurged on flowers, wore my favourite boucle suit, and we went out for a fancy lunch. My best friend also did it as a Canadian in NYC who need to get ahead of immigration changes coming into force after 9/11. She held a wedding in our province a year later. I don’t know many people getting married these days but of the few I have seen, no one has done it. BUT when I lived in Germany it was the standard as many Euro nations don’t wholesale adopt a church wedding as legally valid, so you need the licence.

          1. The difference in Europe is that it’s generally same day. Small courthouse wedding in the morning with champagne outside courthouse. Afternoon church wedding and evening reception. Sometimes it’s the day before but not often. This Covid/post-covid trend is for the legal ceremony to not always be widely known or people only told after and to be a year or more in advance of the second ceremony and/or reception.

             1. Hm, I was actually a bridesmaid in an European wedding where the civil ceremony had taken place weeks before. My friend, the bride, wanted a Catholic wedding, but the civil union was required. She did not have guests at the civil ceremony.

             2. Not saying it doesn’t happen but it’s not common and was not a standard practice pre Covid.

             3. Europe is huge with a variety of different cultural practices and legal requirements regarding marriage. This is mostly the practice in the European country I lived in (or at least it was a decade ago), but not in the one my husband is from.

    3. My aunt and uncle did this in the 1970s or early 80s, so it’s certainly not new.

       Got married at the courthouse by a justice of the peace with just 2 witnesses (their remaining living parents – 1 each). Then like 2 months later had a full reception.

    4. I don’t know, but if I ever get married, I’m strongly leaning that direction. I’m 40 years old and far more interested in a marriage than a wedding.

       1. Same – I can’t even fathom spending five figures on a party at my age or doing the whole “bride” thing (bachelorette, shower, etc, etc). It just seems so silly.

          I live near a courthouse and the other day I saw a couple who had obviously just gotten married – she was wearing a matching top/pants set in sparkly white and carrying a simple bouquet and she looked so chic. Give me a courthouse ceremony and a nice dinner any day.

          1. I just went to an absolutely gorgeous wedding that bordered on 6 figures. I think there is some fudging of the figures like “well that doesn’t count because…” but if you take away the fudging, it’s easily low 6 figures.

             1. I’m Indian – it’s always six figure ridiculousness. Yeah they are big weddings that go on for days, paid for by parents who have money. But it’s still a ridiculous use of money but just very expected in the culture. If you don’t throw that kind of wedding then it’s all the gossip of – oh well I guess they aren’t that well off. Perish the thought the people getting married want something different.

          2. My sister didn’t really do the whole bride thing. One of my sisters just got married in 2018 and no bridal party, bachelorette party etc. It’s insane that women are expected to spend $$$ and use PTO for a bachelorette party these days.

    5. I did that a decade ago.

    6. Seems good to me. I absolutely don’t regret throwing a huge party for my family of origin the family I married into. It was a wonderful time to see people, to get to know them and I feel like it engendered a lot support for us as a couple. I don’t think the party needed to be the same day as our marriage was legalized though.

    7. I got married in the late 90s with 30 guests. Now my daughter is engaged and plans to have 20-30 guests. I am not sure it’s some new thing that has never happened before. Does GenZ think they invented this, like every generation thinks they invented sex?

    8. I did this in 2018 because my in-laws would’ve disowned us if we lived together before marriage. We needed more time to save money and get the wedding date we wanted, so we got married 1 year before our large wedding. We didn’t tell anyone except our parents and siblings who were the only people present.

       My sister is also doing it this fall, prior to her March 2025 wedding. Although for her, her fiancé/his family really want a catholic wedding with his grandparents present. So they’ll have a small church wedding this fall, and their large wedding in our (much cheaper) Midwest state in March.

       1. I know four couples that did this in the same timeframe as you and all for family or religious reasons – a handful of years before Covid was a thing.

          In one case the couple didn’t want a wedding at all, just wanted to self marry and in the other the couple wanted a very small wedding with just parents and siblings on a beach on an island. Both families freaked out. So couple 1 went off and self married in some village in Italy and couple 2 did an island elopement and then both had big weddings later which they legit did not want. Seriously one bride who I work with left the Thursday before her big wedding being like well gotta go to my obligatory family party this weekend, and was back on Monday. In 3 out of the 4 cases, the fiancés wanted to live together upon engagement and not wait for another year as they secured the perfect venue etc. The couples themselves weren’t religious but their parents, grandparents, nosy aunts would have freaked out – so they court married for that reason. Seems like one of the families STILL wasn’t happy that this couple was living together because in their opinion, only a marriage before God is valid not some wedding you did before a judge.

    9. Based on the fact that I can think of maybe 8 examples in my friend group off the top of my head in the past three years, yes.

    10. I always wonder when people celebrate their anniversaries in these scenarios? On the first date or the later date?

        1. As someone who was with their now-spouse for a long time before doing the court house followed by destination wedding, we celebrate our dating anniversary as our anniversary. The wedding was just a big party we threw for our family.

    11. I see court weddings becoming more common as people opt out from under the thumb of religious controls. During the time when my peer group was getting married, it would have been scandalous for a couple to not have a church ceremony (or indeed, to do anything other than make polite excuses for why they did not attend church). In my adult kid’s peer group, church attendance is far less common, the pretense at being religious is minimal, and people seem to be selecting the type of ceremony that matters to them and not to conservative society’s mores.

        1. This. In my mid 40s and with my peers, it was common and expected to have a religious ceremony even if you were not religious at all and did not plan to be religious, raise your future kids in any particular faith. Everyone just went with it because that’s what mom, dad, and grandma wanted. Fast forward two decades, the parents are much less insistent about the religious weddings AND the current brides and grooms are not just willing to go along with it. I feel like those who do a religious wedding want that and believe at some level. Those that don’t just don’t – they are quick to get a justice of peace, get a friend to marry them, self marry, whatever – but they don’t fake it because it’s expected anymore.

16. Does anyone else routinely have a fast heart rate at the doctors office and have they said anything about it?

    This is a forever thing for me. When I was in my 20s, it was like NBD you’re nervous. Now in my 40s, it raises some dr eyebrows as they wonder if it’s something cardiac. It really just is doctors but it’s also kind of embarrassing to admit that as a grown adult and in a culture where everything is labeled anxiety.

    Any tips for either dealing with it or explaining it? The deep breathing type stuff never works mostly because you don’t have that much time in the office for it to work. The only thing that helps is the occasional female dr in her 40s-50s who is just a nice, warm person — then my heart rate will be normal no problem. But given that Dr appointment wait times can be crazed, you can’t always only schedule with one warm caring provider and there’s no guarantee all women are like that either as some can definitely be judgmental. Oddly this is only a heart rate issue, not the hypertension you hear more about.

    1. How fast are we talking?

       1. 120-140 – so fast enough that they notice.

          1. Echoing everyone else that you should get an Apple Watch (or similar) to determine whether this is constant or just white coat anxiety.

          2. Oh wow – that’s fast even for anxiety. Does it go down by the end of the visit?

             1. Yes but slowly. If it’s 140 at the start of the visit, towards the end it may be 115. Then when I get out of there, it’ll be down below 100.

             2. What is your baseline/normal heart rate at home? What does it go to with exercise?

                Some people just have a high heart rate for unclear reasons. My Dad had it – they called it “sinus tachycardia” and actually put him on a low dose of a beta-blocker to slow it down a little. His heart rate used to jump over 200 with exercise when he was barely winded, which is not normal. But most doctors would check and EKG or a longer home recording of your heart rate for a few days to just make sure it was regular, and if you weren’t having any symptoms from it…. do nothing.

                I have some rheumatologic/auto-immune diseases, and also have randomly high heart rate sometimes, usually with low blood pressure/dizziness. Turns out I have a type of neuropathy that affects the Autonomic Nervous System – which controls things like heart rate. So once my medicines were optimized and my disease got under better control, my heart rate actually came down too.

                Definitely anxiety can make your heart rate jump, and it sounds like your own experience is showing that this may be the case for you. I’d look at some of the other “in the moment” things you can do to decrease anxiety if breathing doesn’t work for you. There’s tapping ones, running in place hard for a minute or two, 5-4-3-2-1, mental games etc.. And also think about how anxiety might be affecting other aspects of your life and whether you need a little help/input to start tackling that.

    2. Some doctors will take your heart rate at a couple different points in the appointment. Like maybe have the nurse do it before they come in, then take it part way through then at the end. Helps determine if it’s a white coat syndrome thing or an actual issue.

    3. Do you wear a smart watch with heart rate? If you can show that it’s not normally that high, it should help.

       1. Yeah, if you are certain that it’s specifically the doctor’s visit that drives up your heart rate – a lot of people have that. As long as your rate is normal the rest of the time, seems fine.
          Sometimes it helps to measure (or measure again) at the end of your visit. At the beginning I’ve got all this adrenaline of being on time, finding parking, overthinking explaining my concerns to the doctor etc.

    4. It’s called ‘white coat anxiety’ – have them do it at the end of the appointment for more accurate results.

    5. Seriously, get an Apple Watch or something similar and wear it as close to 24/7 as you can for a while. Then show your doc your heart rate history.

       I have an arrhythmia & this kind of history really helps me at the cardiologist’s office. In fact, he was the one who told me to get the watch.

    6. If you can, I’d just get something that you can check your heart rate with at home – a fitness watch or a pulse oximeter or whatever; and track it for a few weeks before the appointment. I have scared-of-doctor’s high blood pressure; but early age high blood pressure also runs in my family so to tell the difference, I just got an at-home cuff – less than $50 art a Walgreens.

17. Recently, in my 40s, I’ve developed a sensitivity to bandaids. I have gotten bumps on the skin that has touched the adhesive part of bandaids, or the skin darkens (and the darkening lasts for several weeks). Any ideas why this has happened and what I can do to avoid it?

    1. can you use liquid skin? i got the sensitive version for my kids and it doesn’t sting at all.

    2. Any chance you are developing a latex allergy? That can be, but isn’t always, present in bandages.

    3. Try latex-free brands.

    4. it is all brands? I would buy a few different brands and patch test both latex and non-latex options.

    5. I have this too. It is a sensitivity to the adhesive. I find leaving the bandaid on for the shortest amount of time possible helps (just a couple hours ideally). If I need coverage for a longer time, like a couple days, I make my own “bandaid” with a little strip of medical paper tape and a little square of gauze. The paper tape is much less irritating and gentle on the skin.

       1. +1 I get this too and it’s the adhesive, not latex.

          1. +1, it’s the adhesive. The clear water resistant band aids are the worse.

       2. Me too.

       3. Another person here with an adhesive allergy. I discovered this the hard way after surgery. I start to swell and blister if I wear a bandaid, steri strips, or other adhesive for more than a few hours. I wrap my injuries with a roll of gauze instead.

    6. I get this from some adhesives and not from others, though in my case it causes terrible itching and my skin gets red and inflamed. It seems to vary a lot from brand to brand and style to style so just try different ones until you find ones that work- I seem to be okay with most traditional style bandaids from bandaid or 3M, but the bigger square ones are awful.

    7. Any chance you are using waterproof bandaids and not regular ones?

       I get this if I use any medical adhesive that bills itself as waterproof. I don’t know if there is a different ingredient in waterproof adhesive or if it is the same as normal adhesive just at a higher concentration, but it is consistent and repeatable. Regular bandaids don’t cause this reaction for me.

18. I believe it was a rec from here, so thank you to whoever recommended Real Americans by Rachel Khong. 2024 has been kind of a blah reading year for me, but this was outstanding.

    1. I’m reading it right now! So good!

    2. I really enjoyed this book to start and then when it started to get into the futuristic gene-editing stuff it fell apart for me.

       1. I felt the same. I agree with OP about 2024 being a blah book year, though. So many books that seemed promising were just bad or, like this one, were pretty good, but had some element that just didn’t work for me and kept them from being great.

19. I’m looking for a unicorn desk chair. I have a very large Maine coon cat who doesn’t fit on my lap when seated in a regular chair. He likes to sit with me while I work (and I like this too). I bought a very large upholstered swivel chair so he could sit with me, but after using it for a few months, it’s just not going to work out. It’s too low and there’s no back support. Can anyone recommend a very large, but still ergonomic, desk chair that would fit me and still have some room on the side for my cat to spill over?

    1. maybe try one of the criss cross chairs, for sitting cross legged?
       https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/tiktok-cross-legged-office-chair-review-ll-37291032

       1. Hmm, this one doesn’t look very ergonomic, but that is a thought to look at criss cross chairs!

    2. Would he tolerate sitting in a chair next to you while you work?

       1. I’ve tried that, but he just wants to climb into my lap. He’s very cuddly and sleeps on me for hours.

          1. I love this.

    3. I need this for my bulldog (45 lb.) Her preferred place is on the couch, squeezing me into the arm of the couch and half on top of me. She doesn’t fit in my office chair with me, needless to say, so I’m very interested in your eventual solution!

       1. I’ll keep you updated if I find something!

    4. I have no suggestions, but I just want to say that I love that you’re problem-solving for a hirsute Maine Coon cat. What a lovey boy!

       1. The question itself made me smile!

    5. If you can try it out at the store, the Herman Miller Aeron in a large will probably work. It currently is a cozy fit for my husband (230 lbs) plus our large, but not Maine coon sized cat.

20. Does anyone wear “day dresses” IRL? If you WFH or on weekends? Work is casual but somehow a lot of day dresses at places like Tuckernuck seem to Tradwife for the office, if that makes sense. Maybe it’s Tradwife cosplay?

    1. Tuckernuck is not really a workwear brand, most of their stuff is intended for weekends and vacation-wear.

    2. Isn’t Tradwife the specific target demographic of Tuckernuck?

       1. To me Tuckerneck is too preppy to be Trad wife

       2. No way, Tuckernuck is like rich preppy East Coast moms.

          1. Ha, I live in MA and I resemble this comment.

          2. I guess that is what I think of when I hear “Tradwife” but now I see there are people actually dressing up like Stepford wives in 50s/60s garb and it’s a little different

             1. Yeah, Tradwives are different – more aprons and long dresses.

             2. Tradwives don’t work. I can assure that many preppy women work.

    3. I wear the “Royal Shirt Dress” from Tuckernuck to the office. In-house attorney in the SEUS.

       I see a decent number of moms at my daycare wearing Tuckernuck-style dresses. Typically, the ones that are flowier, so they work better postpartum and stuff. I mostly see women wearing these dresses at daytime events like a luncheon or fundraiser, and most of the women I see wearing them a lot work in those professions. I.e., wife works at a non-profit and husband is a doctor/lawyer/etc. So.. not Tradwife, but these women typically do not work corporate jobs.

    4. I would love to find more casual, well-made dresses that work for WFH and running errands that aren’t striped t-shirt dresses.

       1. Jcrew and Jcrew Factory have a ton. I sort by 100% cotton and generally only buy on sale.

          1. +1, the Bungalow line at JCrew has been my MVP this summer.

       2. OP here and this is where I am. Something washable and not too precious that also isn’t a t-shirt dress or really sloppy.

          1. I’m the one you responded to and YES! Everything seems too sloppy or too structured (ladies who lunch, office wear). Where is “cute” at?

       3. Boden Ellen ottoman dress works for these purposes.

    5. Yes, I do. I’m a lawyer who is the furthest thing from a tradwife. I happen to have a more femine style (quel horror) and find it easy to not have to match separates. You can ask a question without insulting people you know.

    6. All the time! It is hot right now where I live and will be hot through October. Dresses are cooler than pants and appropriate for more places than shorts. I wear them to my (fairly casual) work as well as WFH and on weekends.

       Tuckernuck is more of a wedding/bridal shower/church/brunch site for me (not sure where you are getting Tradwife except that they seem to dress for those types of occasions all the time) but the world if full of nice day dresses and I basically live in them from June to October.

    7. Yup, I wear a ton of them on the weekends. Mostly Lilly Pulitzer but also Jcrew and Tuckernuck. I’m in my 40s and have a fair amount of stuff they work well for – back to school night, brunches with friends, girls nights out, dinner with my family at a nicer place in town, etc. They definitely aren’t office clothes but they’re also great for casual work off sites/cocktail receptions during work events/team dinners when most of the men are wearing chinos and polos.

    8. definitely a weekend thing

    9. Yes, for weekends and vacations. I don’t suddenly lose all interest in my career when wearing them.

    10. What do you mean by day dress? Dress you wear during the day but not an evening out?

        Then yes, I wear dresses to work and on weekends every day. My weekend dresses come from American Giant, Tommy Bahama, and Saint James. My work dresses come from Rumour London, Saint James, and MM La Fleur. Mostly I buy off of poshmark.

        1. A day dress is a particular style of dress. It is made of a softer or thinner fabric than a work dress–think a lightweight crepe or poplin instead of suiting. It is also usually less structured than a work dress. It may have a fuller skirt, have ruffles, or be more flowing–although a Lilly Pulitzer shift dress or a linen sheath dress may be a day dress. It is often of a bright or pastel color and/or a floral or abstract print. It is for daytime social occasions, not work. What makes it a “day” dress is that it is not a c-tail dress or evening gown, both of which are designed to be worn after 5:00 p.m.

           1. Thank you!

    11. Yes. Faherty brand, Boden, Gap.

    12. i shop at Tuckernuck, I work. in a loosely business casual workplace. i am able to wear some of their stuff to work and other stuff on weekends/evenings/out to dinner.

        1. +1. This seems like such an odd question to me tbh.

    13. Zuri dresses! Flattering (for me), awesome pockets, cute designs. I wear them for wfh and doing errands and (dressing them up) for in-office work too.

    14. I wear day dresses to church, for fancy brunches, and for baby and bridal showers.

    15. Tuckernuck is the opposite of tradwife wear. You wear it for a b00zy brunch or lunch at the country club. Tradwives wear prairie dresses and aprons to bake bread.

21. Recipe I made the other day that turned out to be delicious so I thought I’d share.

    https://piedmontgrocery.com/coq-au-vin-blanc/

    I didn’t have pearl onions so skipped them, added dry thyme to the onion/garlic/mushroom/wine sauce. For the chicken pieces I used about 2 lb of thighs and drumsticks (bone-in, skin-on.) My wine was Sémillon that had been open for a while in the fridge, and it was fine.

    I recommend serving with rice, potatoes, or crusty bread so you can get every drop of the delicious sauce.

    1. This looks like something I’d try. Thanks for sharing!

22. I know this is not exactly in style right now but they look so good on me I don’t think I care –

    I bought a pair of pants that don’t have a zipper/buckle and are fairly straight legged, but not tight. The material is stretchy, softer than “hard pants” but not athletic or yoga pants. Any idea what to search to find other pants like this? Or recommendations?

    1. Old Navy usually has some pull-on pants.

    2. Theory has some good pull on pants rights now for work.

    3. uniqlo

    4. The Athleta Brooklyn Pants! Easily one of my favorite purchases from last year.

    5. Talbots T by Talbots line often has pull-on stretchy pants that might be marketed for yga purposes, but really are straight-leg stretch cotton pants that are exceptionally comfortable and forgiving, with a wide waistband and pockets.

23. following up on the above – I was the ‘high achieving’ older sister whose accomplishments were often minimized or celebrated secretly as to not make struggling younger sister feel bad. this was primarily in middle/high school. i definitely have resentment towards my sister bc of it. now i am a parent (of fraternal same sex twins) – and wow it is hard to figure out! especially when certain things come much easier to one kid than the other. while becoming a parent hasn’t made my resentment disappear, i do now understand where my parents were coming from a lot more. i’ve read all the books about sibling relationships, etc. so for those of you who feel like your parents got it right – what did they do?
    (and yes I realize this is not the mom’s site, but would love more of the sibling perspective)

    1. + 1

       Being a parent, and a parent of twins in addition has made me realize how tricky these things are to navigate. I thought I had it all figured out when I only had one kid. Having two kids in the same activity only to have one fail and one succeed is tough to manage.

       1. Agree. People are full of absolutes when they answer parenting questions (parenting little ones AND adults!) but in the real world, it’s very complicated. There are no “it’s simple, just…” answers that actually work.

          1. I don’t think it’s an “absolute” in some cases so much as self-evident – like one sibling feeling hurt if the parents never, ever pay a compliment to avoid hurting younger sibling’s feelings. I doubt you could find 3 people in a hundred who wouldn’t be hurt by that, although some will certainly move on from it faster than others.

             1. That’s not what is happening here, though. You’re taking it to an extreme.

             2. A lot of people on the previous thread described exactly that happening. It can and does happen often.

    2. Duplicating my comment from the above thread, I just can’t see how it’s damaging in any real way to sibling #2 if the parent says “great job honey, I’m proud of how hard you worked this year” to sibling #1. To me, sibling 2 coping with any resentment or jealousy from that is a learning experience. He or she will certainly get compliments too, whether it’s related to sports or relationships or chores.

       That said, of course I would avoid the obvious pitfall of “why can’t you be like your sister.” The compliments or constructive criticisms should be focused on the individual alone.

       1. That’s not the hard situation though. The tough parts are when both kids get their report cards or evaluations in an activity and one kid has passed and the other has not. It might be that the kid who passed has a natural ability and didn’t work that hard when the kid who didn’t pass practiced a lot and still didn’t get there. Or vice versa, the kid who didn’t pass the level actually didn’t work that hard so you can’t say ‘I’m proud of you for trying hard’ because they didn’t.

          And they are both talking over each other at the same time about how they did.

          1. Then maybe it’s a conversation along the lines of “I can see you’re disappointed with your grade. What do you think you might do next quarter to do better? Don’t forget that I’m always proud of you no matter what.”

             If it’s a matter of effort, then I especially don’t think the older sibling should be punished.

             1. No one is getting punished.

    3. Sometimes acknowledging the elephant in the room is helpful – if things come easier to one sibling, it’s already obvious. “I know it can be challenging when it seems like things come easier to your sister. But I’m so proud of how hard you’ve worked this year and how much you’ve improved. I’m proud of both of my great kids.”

       1. This only works as long as both kids are making an effort. Where there are mandatory activities like school or swim lessons, it’s hard if one kid is flourishing and making a big effort and the other kid is not flourishing and maybe not actually making an effort or working hard.

    4. I don’t think my achievements are actively downplayed, rather that professional achievements are generally not such a focus in my family, beyond an expectation that if you are able, you provide for yourself and do something useful with your time. I feel loved as a person, and deserving of attention in general, but not tied to my professional life in particular. For example, people outside of my family sometimes gush about me having a PhD (you must be so smart), and while my parents showed up for the graduation, it otherwise doesn’t change my ‘status’ in the family, and it’s almost never mentioned in conversation.
       Overall, I am actually grateful for this. I am pretty career oriented, and might even be prone to looking down on others who aren’t ‘high achieving’, except that’s not how I was raised.

    5. I don’t know if my parents did it “right,” but I never resented my sister and she never resented me. We both resented our parents, I think! They fostered our relationship and never made her responsible for me. They were too hard on both of us in different directions—I got very long groundings over very minor things, she got “encouraged” to do more and more extracurriculars to boost her college applications until she was burning out–and so I think it was easy for both of us to be grateful we weren’t getting treated like the other one.

       Everyone has pretty good relationships with each other as adults, and my sister and I are very close. I think we both feel grace towards them.

       That may or may not be helpful, but it’s one way this can play out!

    6. As a twin, a few thoughts:
       1. Try not to rely on the “twinness.” Your kids are fraternal, which helps. I’m identical, but my parents made sure never to dress us alike when we were young, for example. The entire world will compare and ask comparative questions: “Who’s the smart one and who’s the athletic one?” for example, and many will compare looks, body sizes, etc. Teachers, aunts and uncles, neighbors, strangers. It’s really terrible. Don’t do that yourself.

       2. When you talk to them about grades, report cards, etc — do it separately.

       3. This the best advice I’ve gotten re: sibling relationships: get out of the way. Let them develop their own relationship, without your intervention, as much as possible. Let them figure out their own arguments, let them discuss things with each other without you involved, etc. Triangulating everything/most things through the parents destroys the possibility of the siblings creating their won. Don’t make yourself the centerpiece.

       1. Any suggestions on the talking to them separately? Of course we open and discuss school report cards separately but it’s so hard to see them both exiting an activity where one is bouncing up and down and delightedly waving ribbons/badges and the other is in tears. Those the hardest moments where I wish I could split myself in two and I worry that one or the other will always remember my reaction.

          1. Yeah, that’s really hard. Obviously, lead with kindness. Again, I’d separate them when you can. So exiting the activity, both get hugs and an “I’m so proud of you.” (Actually, my twin sister — now the mother of twins herself! — uses the phrase, “I love to watch you play.”). Then when you get home, have Twin A go shower or whatever and sit with Twin B (or go on a walk, whatever) and ask them how they’re feeling. Reiterate that you’re proud of them. Then when it’s a little less touchy, you can see if Twin B still wants to do the activity; it has to be okay that they pursue different goals.

             And then, find Twin A (a walk, when Twin B is showering, etc.) and ask how they’re feeling, reiterate that you’re proud of them, and check in with what they’d like to continue doing.

             The goal is to get them to see their own strengths and challenges as individuals.

             It sounds like you’re doing amazing with them, even simply by thinking about this. Being a parent of twins is a peculiar kind of challenge! But love them as they are, as individuals. They’ll manage their own relationship.

24. Newport recs – especially places to stay?

    Usually I just look for a Marriott etc… but also open to nicer/unique places.

25. This is an embarrassing question to ask, but does anyone feel overshadowed by their spouse, either because they’re constantly killing it on the career AND personal front, are the super likeable, popular half of the couple, or anything else? This is where I am right now, and it makes me so sad. Of course I am my spouse’s biggest fan and want nothing but the best for him. But I feel so invisible sometimes, like whatever gifts and talents I have are completely unnoticed by our friends and family because he’s so rock-solid at literally everything. Everyone wants a piece of him and his help. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m working pretty damn hard to be a good mom, spouse, coworker, friend, daughter, etc., and nobody notices. I realize how deeply self-pitying this sounds, but the disparity in how we’re experiencing life is bumming me out these days.

    1. Having a spouse who is a rock star reflects well on me (and you), so I enjoy that

    2. Is your husband also your biggest fan? Does your marriage prioritise things that allow you to shine?

    3. Hey, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Is this issue completely external to your marriage (it’s about how family and friends treat the couple), or is it internal as well (you could use more words of affirmation from him)?

       1. Probably a bit of both, although that makes me sound really needy!

          1. I’m a total stranger, but this sounds like a very normal and healthy emotional need! I wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all!

             I think doing the love languages quiz with your husband and talking about how you could use more affirmation within your marriage is probably your best first step here.

    4. Yes, although objectively I think (hope) it is cyclical. My husband just got a major promotion at work and loves his job, while I am struggling feeling like I will never make equity partner and can’t even get interviews when I apply for other jobs. I also am mid40s and feel fat and tired, while he is hitting his stride and looks great, is up every day at 5, etc.

       However, I know he doesn’t feel the way about me that I feel about myself, and I overall see us as a team. But it’s hard to feel like you are at the bottom of the wheel.

       1. You said it better than I did, but yeah. All of this. We’re in our mid-40s. DH changed careers this year and is the honeymoon phase where he’s getting so much praise and kudos. Well deserved, but my career is steadily plodding along. There is no next step for me. I’m looking worse for the wear every year, and he is looking better than ever. He’s getting asked to be on committees in our community, and I’m looked at as a steady volunteer. If If I’m considered at all. Even my dad is seeking out DH’s opinion on stuff. Which is LOVELY, but dang, harsh to realize that your dad respects your husband’s opinions more than yours (a generational problem for sure).

          Yes, DH is a big fan of mine. I think I’m struggling with invisibility in general, and my DH happens to offer a sharp contrast.

    5. Yes, sometimes. I am glad he’s likeable, popular, smart, athletic, musically talented, great with dogs, great with kids, exceptionally well educated in STEM and humanities, good looking, and high energy! If anything, I wish he derived a little more confidence and self esteem from all this, since I think excess humility is usually what holds him back in his career. I just want to be somebody’s favorite besides his sometimes!

    6. It sounds like he’s a rock star and you’re the rock. Being someone’s rock is a great thing!

26. Well then!

    https://www.axios.com/local/atlanta/2024/08/14/sara-blakely-spanx-shoe-company-sneex

    1. Oh my god… how ugly. Just… why?

       I guess if the reason you want a high heel is for the butt lift, calf muscle definition, to be as tall as the men, this is an option.

    2. It’s hideous and that is the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.

       1. I agree with your first thought but given the founder, I kind of like the name, just not the product

    3. WHY

    4. That is hilariously awful.

    5. I laughed out loud. This cannot be real.

    6. If these were actually pretty heels that had some hidden comfort technology, I would totally get the concept. But literally no one wants to wear Skechers with stilettos glued on.

    7. Hoo boy. That is all.

    8. Are we sure it isn’t April 1st?

    9. What’s the German word for feeling simultaneously horrified and intrigued?

       1. Idk, but I tried to look it up and found this:

          Backpfeifengesicht

          Literal Meaning – “A face begging for a slap.” Explanation – Simply put, Backpfeifengesicht means a “slappable face”.

    10. Do the Sneetches wear the shoes with a Thneed?

Comments are closed.