Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Notch V-Neck Sleeveless Top

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1. I just became the head of a department for the first time. I have professional development money, and will probably use it for a management course, but are there any books you would recommend or that have helped you?

   1. I looked at some lists of “best books to read” and have been thinking about it a bit more. I really love philosophy in general too (not something I ever bring up in real life!)
      1) Maybe I should read the Dale Carnegie books because I’ve never read them.
      2) A lot of the problems mentioned, especially in books geared towards women, don’t exactly apply to me – I’m not afraid to delegate, I’m good at managing time, I need less radical candor not more. I obviously don’t like having tough conversations, but I think I’m good at having them, although I would like to read more about this.
      3) I’ve already been doing at least 70% of this job.

      I’m asking here because I’m wary of anything too bro-code-y. Maybe something focusing on managing up, that’s definitely not my best skill set, and I do dislike it. In the past the people I’ve worked with and people who have worked for me have all had a great experience and strong relationships with me, but I generally haven’t had as strong relationships with people above me. I’ll also be working more with the partners in this job so that could be worth focusing on.

      I was looking at The First 90 Days – has anyone read that?

      1. There was a list of women-authored leadership books earlier this week, maybe Tuesday?

         1. I suggested The Secret Handshake and Herminia Ibarra’s books on Tuesday. If you want to share more specific needs (to the point of the poster above) – is it delegation, coaching/developing people, managing up, executive communication, etc. that you want to work on I’m happy to share some specific resources I like. I also really like leadership programs put on by local business groups if you have something like the Executives Club in Chicago or a Young Professionals network or similar.

      2. Your description of (2) sounds exactly like me. I went through a mandated management course last year and found it a gendered waste of time. The advice was along the lines of “have your boss make time for you to speak during meetings” and “make a goal of speaking during every meeting.” I’m still not over what a colossal waste of time and money that was.

         If you’re already comfortable in the role you are moving into, look one rung up. What skills does the next person have that you don’t? Could you improve in a technical skill area? One area I’ve been looking at is a mini-course in Product and Company Valuation. At the next management level above my role, everyone seems asked to vet not just the legality of the deal but whether it is a good deal from a strategic sense.

         I wouldn’t waste any money on Dale Carnegie books – there’s a reason they are on the “free” rack at the used book stores. If you do want to read one, I promise your local library will have them.

      3. Earlier this year when I noticed that my leadership shelf was filled with books all written by men, I got mad and did a bunch of googling for leadership books written BY women – not to be confused with books written FOR women. This list was really useful and I added half of these books to a list to slowly by over time –

         https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/60-great-business-and-leadership-books-all-written-by-women.html

         Also ordered CHL’s book rec The Secret Handshake earlier this week.

         This is also a great list I’m working off of:
         https://www.thrivestreetadvisors.com/blog/leadership-books-by-women-and-people-of-color

   2. It doesn’t sound like you need management books. You’ve already got all of those skills covered. And do you really want to “manage up”? Or do you need some soft skills to learn how to use your contact with the partners to show them all the failings of upper management so those people can be moved out of the way?

      1. Hmm I don’t need managing the team books. I need how to convince upper management to let me do what makes sense in my niche. I know that this is not really a book thing, and is going to be quite interesting remotely, but I would find it interesting if there was a book about it

   3. I liked Crucial Conversations for managing up.

      1. I was coming here to recommend that book. Very helpful!

   4. It’s Your Ship: Management Techniques from the Best Dam() Ship in the Navy. I was a military officer, and this book contains some of the basic leadership techniques that they teach us but that no one teaches civilians. Basic things like take care of your people, recognize them when they do well, etc, etc. It’s been in print for years and years, and it looks like the river site has used copies available for as little as $2. (Though for used books, I recommend BetterWorldBooks dot com because they contribute to literacy programs worldwide.)

2. I’m in big law in DC, and need to invest in a high quality suit. Do you have any advice on where to go in DC or, alternatively, recommendations for something I could order online and then have tailored? I’m lost on what brands to even look for. It seems there are so many places for men to buy and get fitted for suits, but not really equivalents for women.

   1. I think a lot of people in DC biglaw just go to Nordstrom and work with the people there to find a good suit. Admittedly, my particular biglaw firm was more on the casual side.

   2. Counsel in big law in DC and people wear suits from all over. There are a ton of Banana Republic, JCrew, AnnTaylor, Talbots, Brooks Brothers, and Nordstrom suits. The cuts are a bit square but if you are planning to tailor, I think Talbots has the best wool lined suits that hold up well. A lot of folks wear MM Lafleur separates for everything other than federal court appearances/ jury trials. This seems like a big deal, but if the suit fits well I promise its not.

      1. Co-signed. I wear wool BR suits still (equity partner) b/c I need a petite jacket and regular pants and just have to do minimal tailoring on the pants. If a jacket fits off the rack, that is 90% of your look right there. I also see a lot of MMLF dresses (I can recognize the original core pieces and see them on zoom and IRL all the time that people aren’t in very casual 2022 gear).

         I’d wear Boss if it fit, but my torso is not long enough for the jackets or dresses to hit and the right place and it would be a fortune to alter for that. I have the same issue with Brooks Brothers. Both of these are solid, if higher-quality, choices but they just don’t work for me.

   3. I am in ATL, but I have found Bloomingdales to be a better place to start than Nordstrom. Hugo Boss in particular has nice suiting. Ellie Tahari also does.

      1. *Elie Tahari

         1. I have a great Elie Tahari jacket

      2. Equity partner in big law in DC– I think the Chevy Chase Bloomingdales has the best suit options in the area. It’s difficult to find good suits.

   4. Big Law equity partner here. I like Elie Tahari, Rebecca Taylor, L.K. Bennett and Lafayette 148. If I can’t find what I want there I step down to Brooks Brothers. I am not a Talbots fan, it’s not the same quality.

3. Yay! Frugal Friday’s! I love Frugal Friday’s and this sleeveless top! A few years ago, my Dad would not have been crazy about the low cut V neck because he was concerned men would be staring at my breasts instead of looking at me (i.e. my eyes), which are really my biggest selling point, but now, he has changed his focus, and he just wants me to wear things that will attract a man’s attention with the hope that they ultimately will focus on me for me, not just my body. So far, men have not been leading me to the alter for me to be their wife, I think because I am just too much for them intellectually.

4. How do people feel about the new online gambling rules? I was surprised to see a bunch of bank transfers to FanDuel and Cesar’s and asked my husband about them – he said all these companies were having huge promotions around the Super Bowl (like transfer $3k in, get $3k back) and he didn’t actually spend any money. We’re going to have a bigger conversation about it this weekend, and I’m just trying to gauge if I’m way more conservative than most on this. I have no problem with him playing poker semi frequently with friends or going to casinos as a part of guys trips or anything, but this just seems more depressing? Less social? Something with a higher likelihood of spinning out of control?

   We’ve been married since I was 21, all finances are combined, and we generally have no issues compromising on things. I was surprised by how nonchalant he was about the whole thing, especially since businesses are not in the business of giving out free money! If they’re giving you a $3k gambling credit it’s because they are very confident that statistically it is going to work out in their favor!

   1. Your husband has gambling issues.

      1. +1 especially since he was sneaky about it. If it wasn’t a problem you wouldn’t have accidentally found out he did this. You would have made a joint decision about the $3000 and whether it was a good idea.

   2. From talking to friends, it seems like sports gambling has recently exploded in popularity among adult men especially. One male friend told me that literally all the men he knows are participating. I personally think the boom of these apps is wildly risky and is going to create a TON of gambling addictions and personal finance disasters a year from now. It’s easier for me to say because I’m single (and perhaps will stay this way with this attitude!) but actively participating in these apps is a hard dealbreaker for me.

      I’m looking forward to the discussion on this. I see hardly anyone talking about how risky and predatory this is.

      1. Depending on states and apps, this has been going on for a few years already, and so far I don’t know of anyone who has been brought to ruin. There are always people who will have issues with gambling (and drinking and spending and other issues), but from my pretty large sample size (every man I know), it is not causing average people without gambling issues to develop them.

         I’m a huge proponent of you can have any dealbreaker you want, but I am not kidding that I do not know a single man who doesn’t at least dabble with these apps.

         1. To contrast this, I don’t know a single person who does this kind of betting. Coming from a background of poverty, I’ve never had or been in an relationship where we had that sort of money to blow and it would make me extremely uncomfortable.

            1. Me, neither, and I would have a huge problem with this.

               Also I drive by a “get help for your gambling addiction” billboard every day on my way to work, and I’m sure it’s not there because people do NOT have gambling issues…

            2. Obviously there is a population who has a problem with gambling and yes, the popularity of these apps will make it harder for those people.

               Many people use these apps reasonably (and have done so for a few years) and don’t develop a gambling problem.

            3. +1.

            4. Ditto.

         2. My husband doesn’t and neither do any of his friends or my friend’s husbands. I don’t think this is a universal thing at all. I enjoy a little gambling on a cruise or in Vegas but $3k is a lot and this would be a huge red flag to me.

      2. God, my husband has a list of dumb and expensive hobbies a mile long. The only thing he doesn’t do is play video games (anymore) or gamble. I guess I should be more grateful!

   3. I would be concerned if my spouse spent $3K on something without discussing it , even if it was actually net zero (and as you point, it probably isn’t in the end). I don’t have strong opinions about online gambling or video games but I do think concealing a hobby that costs money is a red flag and warrants some further discussion about expectations and candor.

   4. Basically every guy I know uses the apps for sports betting – I don’t have a problem with it as long as they’re not engaging in problematic behavior.

      I have a friend who gives himself a 5k budget/year (and he reinvests his wins, so overall he’s betting more than 5k); on any given Sunday he’ll have several hundred dollars on the line. While that feels like a lot to me, he’s a single guy in his 20s who makes about 150k/year so it’s not a financial drain on him, he cuts himself off at 5k and he considers this a hobby.

      On the other hand, my dad places 20 cent bets. For him, $1 is a big bet. He probably places 20 bets in a weekend, but spends no more than $5 at a time.

      Most of my friends/my brothers/cousins are in the middle and have about $50 in bets over a weekend. Everyone I know, especially the men, are super into sports so this feels like an extension of this. It’s much more “I love watching sports so I’m gonna bet on it” rather than “I love betting so now I’m into sports”.

      For many of them, this is social: they pool money and bet together and then watch the games together. It feels way less antisocial to me than online poker gambling or even slots at a casino. On the flip side, I think fantasy sports are more aggravating for me – the amount of time and energy and money my friends and family put into fantasy sports drives me insane. Honestly, we were all betting on sports amongst ourselves prior to these apps, this is just more official.

      Obviously if any one of them exhibited problematic behavior, that’s be another story but They all set reasonable for them budgets which they stick to and do it for fun.

      I don’t have the apps because I don’t understand it but I occasionally have one of them places bet for me. I probably bet a handful of times a year.

      1. Adding that obviously spending 3k without checking with a spouse is cause for concern. Everyone I know who bets who has combined finances with a SO has their SO on board (begrudgingly maybe, but they’re aware/ok with it). Personally, I wouldn’t be concerned about the betting but I would be concerned about him not mentioning 3k.

      2. Would second this. This mirrors most of my friends’ behavior. I think what’s weird here is that he spent $3k without talking to you (if that’s an amount that prompts a conversation in your relationship), not what he’s spending it on, absent other information.

   5. DH did the same thing last year for the Superbowl. I am not interested in gambling at all, but was okay with it. you have to bet the money they “give” you, and if you win, then you’re able to cash it out. He just cashed out his account for the amount he originally put in, and I don’t care what happens to the rest of it, but told him I don’t really want him to put in any more when it’s gone.

   6. He’s lying. The refunds are issued as site credit, not as cash money.

      1. Yep. He could get it back out but not like how he says.

   7. $3k seems like a lot. I totally get that people gamble on the super bowl who otherwise don’t gamble at all, but that is along the lines of $50 in the office pool or $100 with your friends. If he wanted to keep it at much smaller amounts , like <$50 it would be one thing. I spend $50 on shoes, he spends $50 on sports betting, both seem fair. But $3k is way too much.

   8. I don’t know anyone who bets on sports in any flavor. But I’m in DC and run with a pretty senior federal crowd, and gambling can end your career in a hurry. Career aside, gambling makes me uncomfortable and always has.

   9. I look at it this way….. Many of us have addictions…. to caffeine, alcohol, smoking, drugs, eating, shopping, gambling etc… for stress relief and self medication. Some of us can do all of these things with no tendency towards addiction. A lot of it is genetics/biology as to who falls down a hole, and who can enjoy all of these things without worse consequences.

      Does your spouse already have issues with alcohol or another behaviors that are associated with addictions or poorly treated mental health issues? If so, I would be more concerned.

      If not, I would be less concerned, even though gambling is not my thing either and 3K is kind of a lot of $$ to throw into one of these Apps without mentioning it to me beforehand.

      The ease of having an App on your phone to let you gamble anytime/anyplace is definitely… unsettling. They will make an absolute fortune.

      1. Agreed – we all have our vices and I think that’s fine so long as they are under control.

   10. I agree with all – sports betting is huge now, being pushed everywhere, and there are a lot of promos (although hard to actually get your cash back out.)

       My BF sports gambles and I don’t love it, as I was previously in a relationship with a problem gambler. Current BF and I came to a compromise – he set a $200/year limit, which is trivial given our income. It brings him many many many hours of joy and entertainment over the NFL season. $3k without talking to you first is a HELL NO from me unless you have massive incomes.

   11. Sports betting was legalized in NY as of January, and I’ve been alarmed at the ads for various apps and websites. They make it frictionless by using an app, and add complexity with options for high-risk, high-reward bets that were previously only available to seasoned gamblers. There’s obviously a ton of money in it, and it isn’t going into the pockets of newbie gamblers.

       I have a feeling we’re going to see a lot of “gambling ruined my life” stories in the near future. In the meantime, OP, you probably need to talk to your husband about boundaries around your shared finances. Do you have an agreement in place to discuss expenditures above a certain amount? If you don’t, think about a number you’re comfortable with. And keep checking in on your accounts. I don’t think you’re overreacting.

   12. I think gambling apps are despicable, and made to prey on the vulnerable. So no, I don’t think you’re conservative, just sensible. Of course they give signing bonuses to hook people in, knowing that they’ll make back their money and more.

       I think your husband is either naive or stupid, or that he thinks that you are naive or stupid. And yes, I think that he’s a prime candidate for a gambling problem, based on the nonchalance and secrecy combo. You already know he gets a thrill from gambling, if poker and casinos are current hobbies, but this new thrill is an unhealthy and antisocial version.

       The app part makes it more difficult to compare to other addictions, but maybe you could compare to an online porn addiction.

5. Has anyone found a treatment for dry eye that works? Ever since having a baby, my eyes have gone from “often kind of dry but resetting drops fix it” to full on dry eye- very red, very painful, constant tearing. I’ve been on Xiidra since early January and the pain is diminished but my eyes are always very red and wearing contacts is extremely uncomfortable. I’m 32 and have worn contacts since age 10. I’ve never had this problem before. I really hate wearing glasses but as my contacts lens prescription is -9.5, I currently don’t have a choice. I’ve been told that Lasik can exacerbate dry eye so I’m not sure that would be a good option for me, though certainly one I would consider

   1. Have you been tested for Sjögren’s?

      1. +1

   2. Any chance that you have rosacea? I do, and one aspect of it is ocular rosacea, which can cause dry eyes and frequent styes. Warm compresses (there’s a special one called a Bruder mask that my eye doctor recommended) help, but as do Systane drops first thing when I wake up, but the thing that has been most helpful has been going on a daily low-dose regimen of doxycycline (prescribed by my dermatologist). That has basically cured my dry eyes (and my skin looks a million times better now too).

   3. Are you breastfeeding? Nursing takes an insane amount of moisture from your body, which is why women are so often parched and carry around gallon-sized water bottles. If so, I’d say ramp up your water intake (and don’t forget to drink electrolytes as well).

   4. It’s probably your contacts, I wore mine daily from age 13 to 44, when I did get LASIK, but it was a process to get LASIK because my eyes were so dry. I basically had to stop wearing contacts for about 6 months to fix the issue. And switched to the natural tears kind of eye drop 4-8x a day. LASIK is the best thing I’ve ever done, although I wouldn’t want to get your hopes up – I wore a -8.25 and was at the outer limits of what they could correct. That said it’s absolutely worth a consult. Meanwhile, dump the contacts for as much as you can.

      1. PS, LASIK is drying at first but normalizes after it heals. They don’t let you do it with dry eyes (hence the glasses for ages), and I’ve had no issues since it healed up and now my eyes get “air” all the time because the contacts aren’t drying them out. My doc was 100% certain the dry eyes were from contacts and that bore out.

   5. Yes, and I have advice for you that my optometrist gave me that really helped me.
      1. Use warm compresses on your eyes a couple times a day (either a warm, wet washcloth or a microwaveable eye mask (you can get at CVS or Amazon)).
      2. Start taking Triglyceride Form Omega-3 fish oil supplements. (It has be Triglyceride form. I get mine on Amazon).
      3. Stop using Retinol face cream.

      1. Good point about the retinol–I had dry eyes with tretinoin use, before I learned to surround my eyes with a Vaseline barrier before applying. That solved it.

   6. Can’t comment on the dry eye but I had a -14 glasses prescription so got ICL instead of lasik. 100% recommend. It’s been years now and I’m still amazed.

      1. OP here. So glad I posted! This is all excellent advice, thank you everyone.

         1. Once I reached -10 in glasses (not even contacts) I was told if I wanted my eyes done I’d effectively need the lens replaced like a cataract operation as I’d outgrown all the basic laser treatments available on the highstreet. Made me diligent at taking my evening primrose oil every day.

   7. I had the same problen with my extreme short sightedness and dry eyes. With my old optician I was struggling to last the work day in lenses. Then I got a new opticianwhen my old one retired who changed things up.

      My new optician has me on evening primrose oil capsules to help – I bulk buy them online and take daily (you don’t really notice the difference at first, but if you run out…) He also changed up my contact solution from my old favourite and added in a protein remover once a week. If you have RGP lenses, change them every 18 months.

      Suddenly I can do 18 hours a day if necessary, though I tend to take the lenses out after 12-14 hours. Took a few months to get everything working, but it was worth it.

   8. Do you have daily contacts? If not, try switching. That helped with my eye irritation (and if you don’t want to switch to dailies and aren’t already, highly recommend clear care for solution). My optometrist also recommended fish oil supplements, which also seems to help.

   9. I have really dry eyes as a long-term side effect of PRK. I use the super heavy duty overnight eye gel available at the drug store. Sadly can’t have a ceiling fan on at night. For contacts, I wear the Dailies AquaComfort Plus – they’re the only ones that work for my eyes.

   10. Look into and ask your eye doc about Meibomian gland syndrome. I was having major dry eye where my eyes felt “scratchy” at various times throughout the day, and especially bad at the end of the day. Tried different makeup formulations, moisturising eye drops, cleaners, etc, all to no avail. Turned out these small oil producing glands that help keep the tears from breaking up quickly were clogging! Hot wet compresses every day for about 10-15 min has helped immensely. This helps liquify the hardened oil and dilutes the glands to let the oil flow better. Gross, but totally helped me!!

6. How do you deal when someone isn’t there for you in the way you wanted? I have this friend who can be so amazing in person but tends to drop off the face of the earth in between seeing each other. Last time I saw her in person I confided in her about something challenging I would be going through. She was so supportive and said to text her when it was happening, so I did… and literally nothing. She just vanished. This has happened a few times and then she’ll reappear a month later and be apologetic. Do I say something? Silently stew? Or just reach out to someone else, which is what I usually end up doing? It makes me feel like an idiot for expecting support but she’s the one who offered it!

   1. I’ve actually been struggling with this exact thing for a while now. I have a friend who I adore and connect with so well, but she has tended to disappear in between in person visits (we’ve been long distance friends for several years now). After a couple of conversations about it and persistent disappointment on my end, I’ve decided to let the friendship go. Not entirely, we’ll still see each other from time to time or text, but I have to emotionally distance myself from it. It’s just painful to feel like I have this close friend some of the times, but not others, and not reliably. It’s really disappointing, but people show you what they’re capable of/willing to do, and I’ve learned that as much as I love this friend, she’s just not able to be the kind of friend I need her to be for me to count her among my closest friends. I’m sorry, I know it’s a disappointing feeling.

   2. Accept who she is and decide if you want that in you life. She is a great in person friend who will not keep up with you between in person hangs.

      1. +1 Some people are just really better at being present with someone in person and just are not present over text or phone calls. This is the type of friendship she can offer you. You might need a different type of friend, but you can’t expect her to be different – she’s showing you the type of friendship she has to offer. It’s not right or wrong, it is what it is. It would be best that she not promise to be there for you via text/call and then flake – that’s the hard part – and sometimes it takes people a while to recognize what their limitations are and express accordingly. Since she’s shown you that she isn’t going to do that, if you want to keep the good parts of the relationship and not feel the sting of the bad, whenever she says “text me if x happens” just in your mind know that that actually isn’t going to happen because she is not a texting friend. But if that bothers you and isn’t good, you don’t have to continue the friendship.

         I’m a big fan of personal mind game rewards for resetting my expectations in friendships. I had one friend who was really flakey during my twenties; she just made way too many plans when she would come home (where I live) and not be able to do all of the plans, so a lot of the time the plans would get canceled. I started doing this thing where ever single time I made plans with her, I’d also create an alternative treat for myself if she would cancel. So like we have plans for dinner, I’d tell myself that I would buy myself a box of chocolates (something I didn’t regularly buy for myself) if she canceled, then when she did cancel I’d go and buy the chocolates. Substitute alternative treat for whatever works for you. It totally flipped my attitude and saved the friendship from totally going away, and now in our thirties we have a friendship where she isn’t flakey and we’re closer than ever. Another big friendship thing for me – friendships go through phases and look different at different times. Accepting that they look different and being there for the present version (not what you wish it was) allows for lifelong friendships.

   3. I’ve been that flaky friend.
      For me, it was while I was depressed but undiagnosed. Truly, I cared about my friends and wanted to be there for them, but I was drowning in my own mess and simply could not do it. A dear friend expressed her concern to me after visiting my home and seeing the state it was it in. It took a “come to Jesus” conversation about how I was feeling and how much I was letting down people who cared about me to get me to realize that I needed help to be happy/healthy. I’d love to say that now that I’m in therapy and potentially starting an anti-depressant medication, I’m a great friend, but truth be told, I’m still not the friend and supporter I want to be. The difference is that I am better than before and now my friends know why. This may not be the case for your friend, but I wanted to offer this as a possible explanation. My friends loved me, but even with semi-regular meet ups, did not see enough of my life to realize that the only times I felt anything akin to happiness was with them once every few weeks. I’d show up all bubbly to brunch, make plans to go for a jog and then flake on the jog and lay in bed all day trying to convince myself to get up.
      That said, you are not obligated to keep making excuses/explanations for this friend. Friends dropped me during this time, and I don’t blame them. Some of those friendships have been successfully rekindled in the past year, but some may never. At the end of the day, it sounds like you’re putting way more into this friendship than this person and it’s ok to decide it’s not worth it for you.

      1. +1

         1. +2

      2. +3, I’ve been this person also (and in fact am right now, unfortunately).

   4. I had a friend like this that I have basically cut loose, because I decided dealing with her flakiness was more stress than it was worth. After I’d text her and we’d have a brief conversation, we’d agree to have lunch or drinks or whatever; we’d go and have a great time; I’d say “let’s keep in closer touch” and she would wholeheartedly agree, and then I wouldn’t hear from her again or be able to reach her for months. It was like the friendship was only going to happen at her convenience and on her schedule. I realized that I wouldn’t tolerate that from other people in my life, and so I quit texting her and she hasn’t texted me in months. If she reaches out again, I’ll probably respond but not with the same enthusiasm I did previously, and I imagine the friendship will die natural death at that point.

      I keep reading about “if he/she wants to, they will” in regards to dating and I think the same thing is true of friendships (or a lot of things in life, actually). When people want to do something, they do it, for the most part. And if they don’t do something – like keep in touch in between random appearances in your life – it means they don’t want to. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be the person who keeps in touch and sets up meetups to keep friendships going. About six months back I decided to “drop my end of the rope” with some people. Surprise surprise, they have made no effort to keep in touch or make plans with me. So I think I have my answer about whether or not our friendship was that meaningful for them. It hurts somewhat, but I do have friends who are making the effort to stay in touch (my oldest friend group has made a real effort to keep communication going and make plans for getting together, even though we all live in different cities, whereas people I’m in the same city with can’t seem to get it together to send a text about “hey, how are you?”).

      In your case, I think I would reach out to someone else, and I would also think about what it means to accept the level of support and interaction this person is offering you. If you can take it for what it is and whatever she’s willing to give is okay with you, great. If not, think about whether or not you want to maintain contact, and if not putting energy into this friendship means you’d have energy to invest elsewhere.

      1. This is good advice. You said it better than I did, and the “drop the rope” analogy is apt.

         The advice I got about my own situation was to just forget that my friend had dropped me and to forgive her but I’m human too, and too hurt and disappointed let myself get that close again.

   5. I agree with other posters that you need to decide if this relationship as is gives you enough. I would say, as someone who might occasionally be perceived as the flaky friend, that it can something be hard to balance everything in life (career, relationships, family, children, hobbies, different layers of friends). In the past, I’ve also felt pressure to be better friends with people than I wanted to be – for example I was okay getting together with a former coworker every few months for lunch or drinks and catch up, but she would pressure me to see her more often and I didn’t want that level of friendship. We eventually went our own ways, but I suspect it causes both of us aggregation before then. All to say that people may want to consider whether it’s ok to keep someone on as an acquaintance. Not everyone needs to be a close friend and there’s value in looser friendships too

   6. I actually ended a friendship over this several years ago. It felt pretty heartbreaking at the time but I think (???) it was the right call at the time. It was someone I *really* liked and cared a lot about, and I think she felt the same. But she would drop off the face of the planet at the worst times, or promise in-person time (that I would plan) and then not be able to make it. She wasn’t mean or even self-centered, but it felt VERY much like being jerked around in an on-again-off-again tumultuous romantic relationship. In other friendships, I could put up boundaries and say, this person won’t reach out or plan and That’s Ok. But for whatever reason, in this case, it was less consuming for me to have a clean line and say “no more”–I think perhaps because when the friend DID engage, it was with SO much affection and we were so in sync. I didn’t turn it into a big thing, but I disengaged and the friendship ended. Relatedly, the Atlantic article on the tragedy of friend breakups is incredibly apt for me — the biggest heartbreak of my 30s was the end of two key friendships and they both felt VERY much like romantic breakups in terms of the emotional impact and to be honest it still feels a little raw even today.

   7. I’m afraid I ended things with an old friend because I was putting tons of energy into supporting her and she never asked how I was. I realised about a month after I’d lost a family member that she had no idea because she never asked what was going on with me. I felt a bit guilty about it but also a weight off my shoulders

   8. So I might be this friend, but here’s the thing, I have a LOT of friends, a husband, a big job, local family, and basically a lot going on. I adore my friends and deeply connect with people in person. I’m not an in-between friend. Go ahead and dump me if you’d like, but I think it’s a mistake. I’ve found having a large circle is very life additive and I don’t expect most of my friends to in-between either. I do have a couple of very best, close girlfriends – we do text daily, but the number of people that can fill that slot is limited and limited to those I really, truly, deeply connect with. There might be a mismatch there – you want to be that bestie but the person has others in that role. I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

      1. Agreed. I’m not you! I don’t have a huge circle. But I enjoy embracing people where they are. Katie is great all the time. Lauren is good in a crisis. Suzan is awesome when I see her in person twice a year. Stephanie always says yes to a fancy activity. Meghan does texting really well.

         Not being all of the things doesn’t make someone a bad friend! Absolutely you may not want a more limited relationship but I think if you can accept the different vibes you wind up with a richer community.

      2. This very much reads to me like “LOL, I’m popular and you’re not, deal with me being around when I feel like it and ghosting you when I’m “too busy ” I’m better off without someone like you in my life, TBH. I don’t feel like it will be a mistake to cut someone like you out of my life, if you’re just not that into me.

         1. +1

         2. Haha yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be friends with her. Next!

      3. It’s certainly fine to have friends of varying levels, and your point seems to be that the OP needs to figure out a way to accept that this person is not an in-between friend and then figure out a way to deal with that level of friendship. I don’t disagree!

         I do hope the difference in your situation is that the OP’s friend said she would offer support and asked OP to text her about a challenging event and then sent no response. It doesn’t seem from your post as if you’re doing that, but in case you are— it’s really painful to be the person who is on the receiving end of that treatment. Sometimes friendship (of any level) is about understanding how the other person might be feeling and to act accordingly.

         I personally see most relationships as a give and take, and if the other person is too busy with the rest of their life to devote any time to the relationship, then that’s fine— they’ve shown what their priority is, which is not cultivating a true friendship with me. Which is the other person’s prerogative, and we all have limited time and emotional resources. But I don’t think it’s fair to tell OP that she needs to keep investing in a relationship that is so one sided if she’s more interested in having deeper friendships.

         1. Of course I wouldn’t ignore that friend – I wouldn’t be soooo popular if I did (note the sarcasm there, please). I think there’s really just a mis-match going on here. OP thinks this friend is best-friend level (that’s who I reach out to in a crisis, I like the front row analogy below) and she doesn’t view it the same way. I just don’t think dumping friends is the right answer. I’ve never dumped a friend or cut off family or done the kinds of relationship ending things people seem to endorse these days. I’d rather meet people where they’re at and accept the level of friendship and closeness that naturally materializes.

      4. I will co-sign this. I realize that I am a much better “close proximity/in person friend” than a long-distance friend. For better or worse, wehn I’m not seeing or speaking with someone regularly, it’s kind of an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing. For example, while I may keep in casual touch with friends across the country or who were a bigger part of my life previously, I may not think to go visit them as a vacation option but would be happy to see them when work or other reasons brings me to town.
         All that being said… I think the failure to support you when you expressed this need and she said to text is more of a “bad friend” trait and not a “bad at a distance” trait. You may have to accept her as she is, but I think I would move her down a rung to a person you can’t really depend on.

      5. +1

   9. You’re leaving out some key information: is there anything in her life that would make texting you a challenge? Kids, caretaking for a parent in declining health, stressful job? You’re allowed whatever dealbreaker you want, but friendship is a two direction thing.

      I have a friend like this, and yesterday I found out she lost her dad. She’s 31 and her mom only has a few months left. So texting her “how are you?” and not getting a response might annoy me greatly but in the broader scheme makes perfect sense. Because how could she respond when she’s barely treading water herself?

   10. I’ve been through this before. I think it happens when the other person doesn’t see our friendship at the same “level” as I do, and it’s definitely hurtful. I have tried to address it before in a nonconfrontational way, and that honestly has never gone anywhere for me or for others who I’ve talked to with the same experience. So now I chalk it up to different levels of friendship and silently move that person to a different friendship tier and just connect with someone else who I know will be supportive.

       One of my favorite podcasts, Were You Raised By Wolves?, talked about this in a recent episode (from Jan 31). They analogize relationships to a theatre where you’re on stage. Some people sit in the front row, some in the mezzanine, and some aren’t even in the building. Sometimes things happen where you just have to reseat people in the theatre, and it’s okay, but you just have to be realistic about where that person should be seated.

       Silly metaphors aside, that doesn’t make it hurt less in the moment, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

   11. I backed off a LOT of friendships in my 20s and 30s as friends became mothers, because they were immersed in the “playdate” lifestyle and wanted to prioritize other-parent friendships. I wasn’t upset about it, I just needed to make a mental adjustment of my friendship tiers (who do I call for emotional support, who do I call for a casual catch-up, etc.). Now the kids are teens or older, and many of those friends have ramped back up to the more immersive frienships we used to have.

       If you aren’t able to make that mental shift from “friend I confide in” to “friend I only have superficial fun with” then it may be best for your mental health to fade out. But if you can make that shift, you may come to appreciate the relationship within its boundaries.

   12. Have watched my daughter struggle with being this friend. It comes from trying to be that perfect friend to too many people (struggles with perfectionism) and then when her own life is not going well, she spirals and just gets so overwhelmed with the unanswered texts that she shuts down. It has definitely hurt her friendship and is something she is working on in therapy. Just be aware – very possible it has nothing to do with you and is about her own mental health right now. But perfectly valid to say ‘ – this does not put me in a good place so am going to de prioritize this friendship. That has happened to her.

   13. It sounds like she’s not the friend you need.

       I am sorry this happened to you. I posted earlier this week about my friend who was basically my bestie who dropped me for the last two years and is now back, at least in my texts, acting like nothing has happened. Mh heart is too hardened at this point to let her back in like she was before. At most we can be very casual friends going forward but she will not be my closest confidante the way she used to be.

   14. Have you talked to her about this? I had a similar experience with my best friend this summer. I took the bar exam and I was super disappointed she didn’t reach out during that. We ended up having a conversation about it where I told her that I was hurt she didn’t support me. Turns out she was dealing with some serious family shit and didn’t have the capacity or mental space to think about me. I felt so much better knowing that it wasn’t about me at all, and our relationship is great now. I think it is hard to have difficult conversations like that, but it made me feel so much better and I am no longer harboring resentment over it.

   15. This is really common. I’ll give you the advice that I give myself (but sometimes struggle to follow): throughout the many seasons of your life, friends and loved ones will drift in and out. Sometimes you will be super close to someone and sometimes more distant. This sort of ebb and flow is natural, so be thankful for the close times and don’t be resentful of the distant times. Sometimes you have to close the door on a relationship; try to limit that for people who are toxic or otherwise not good for you, and leave the door open for people who are great but are distant for now.

       1. 100% agree with this.

   16. I’m sorry you’re going through this; it stinks when you feel like you’re not getting what you need from a friendship.
       On the other hand, I’ve had to distance myself from two friendships in my life when I realized my initial instincts about them had been wrong. I can see where they’d characterize it to others as me being a bad friend but sometimes you just realize how narcissistic and one-sided people can be. Not at all saying that’s what happening here, just adding to someone’s point that friendships are a two way street – and individuals’ views on what they bring to the table can vary widely. I have been in your position and finally decided to drop the people. If they’ve been a great long term friend it’s heartbreaking to go through this, I’m sorry; if it’s a different kind of person it’s more self-protective to drop it, no matter how much the other misconstrues it.

7. I recently got a job offer from a company that seemed to love me. They recruited me and wanted to create a role for me. I was intrigued because things haven’t been going that well at my current job (I am well paid, but there is dysfunction and annoying politics). The offer wasn’t very good. Lower pay, limited benefits, little flexibility. I declined, figuring it was flattering but I can just keep looking.

   Of course now every time something obnoxious happens at work I’m wondering if I should have taken it just to be done with this place. But if I would have taken it, I would have been frustrated with the low pay and lack of benefits! I can’t win. Anyone been in a similar situation? I think sometimes I just fantasize about announcing I’m leaving without thinking about where I’m actually going.

   1. This isn’t a binary decision, you just need to ramp up an active job search. Your third option is still out there.

      1. +1 it’s great when a great job just falls in your lap but it usually requires additional effort

   2. There are to many people who think that the job market is going to be great and that they will get amazing offers because they are in so short supply and that they’ll be rewarded handsomeley. Not true.

      My sister Rosa thought that with all of the news about being mobile, she could get an at home part time job, make some decent spending money, and then not have to depend on Ed to give her the money to buy stuff on her weekly shopping trips to the Weschester Mall. Well, she told me that she sent a headhunter a copy of her resume, and that the headhunter said she had very little for her.

      The headhunter thought she’d get a gig as a part time remote receptionist for a podiatrist, but the podiatrist wanted her to provide a picture of her. I said she was remote, so what difference would it make? When she did not send a picture, the Podiatrist told the headhunter said he would find someone else, and he never even knew how cute Rosa was! That was so rude of him! FOOEY!

8. Has anyone with fine hair found a solution to static? I don’t want to smell like a dryer sheet. Is there a product out there that specifically targets static and lasts more than 5 minutes? My hairstylist has not been helpful and is, in fact, totally baffled by my static problem that I’ve had my entire life.

   1. What is creating the static for you? I think you should focus on avoiding the static in the first place as it’s not really a normal thing to have on a daily basis.

      1. It’s probably due to lack of humidity in the winter. In homes with heat it is literally dryer than the Sahara. A humidifier might help but only in areas you can place one.

      2. I disagree with this. In certain cities I’ve lived in, there is no avoiding static. Getting rid of all rugs everywhere did help but not cure the problem. Literally pulling a coat or sweatshirt on to walk out the door would create enough static charge that I needed to discharge myself safely before grabbing the doorknob.

      3. Oh, I have super fine hair and so does my daughter. It’s definitely been a lifelong struggle for me and is already a major issue for my daughter. For me, having my hair highlighted makes a huge difference, but obviously that’s not for everyone. Plenty of conditioner and some hair spray also help. I do tend to avoid bulky sweaters and all winter hats/hoods for this reason.

         1. YES! I came here to say this. I started highlighting/coloring my hair and my super fine, limp hair has a whole new texture and all the static went away. Plus, now my greys are covered. my husband jokes that I have “Porsche hair” now because it requires it’s own expensive shampoo, conditioner, and maintenance every 3 months but i look really sexy in it.

      4. The only thing to counter static is humidifiers, which work to an extent but obviously aren’t everyewhere or on all the time

   2. Have you tried using a little bit of hair oil?

   3. RH&Co makes a static control spray, which works pretty well. I spray on hair and on combs and brushes.

   4. Are you walking over carpets in rubber-soled shoes? If so, hello, static! When my kids were little and would slide on a plastic slide, they were Static City with vertical straight fine hair until they discharged it.

   5. Try any of the following: Leave in conditioner, hair oil, comb through hair with a metal comb with some light hairspray, run wet hands over your hair, use a humidifier.

   6. Possibly try a leave-in conditioner? I like Ouai. I also do a moisturizing hair mask once a week (Verb ghost hair mask). Outside of products, in the winter, I run a humidifier at night in my bedroom. My house gets very dry from running the heat. I have no idea if this helps with static, but I have notice, I have less dry skin when I do this.

   7. Two thoughts:

      1. Is your hair dry? Maybe you need to increase your conditioner use, or add an oil after washing. I’m personally a fan of argan oil. You may also need to use some kind of product after washing to hold it down. I’m not trying to be vague here, I just mean that if you literally use zero products on your hair and let it air dry, consider adding some kind of straightening cream, curling cream, hair spray, SOMETHING while it’s wet.

      2. What kind of pillowcase do you use? I found that using the flannel pillowcases that come with my set would make my hair extremely staticky, whereas using the pillowcases from my regular set were fine. Same may be true for you, or you may need to consider a satin or silk-like pillowcase.

   8. Use hair products- I use a blow dry spray, olaplex 6 leave in stuff, and dry shampoo after I blow it out (on the hair not scalp, basically in lieu of hairspray). You need stuff to weigh down your hair and that will get rid of static.

   9. In winter because it is so dry I cannot wear acrylic tops, furry hoods, or fleece for just this reason

   10. I started dabbling in curly girl method last summer, discovered that my hair really likes protein and keratin boosting products, and for the first time in four decades have not experienced winter static head. It’s amazing.

       1. This–as soon as I started using leave-in conditioner, the static calmed down.

          1. Ironically, I don’t use a leave-in! Just shampoo once a week, conditioner twice (which I rinse out), and water-only wash most other days. Gel while wet depending on how I plan to wear it that day, otherwise no other products at all.

   11. I have very fine hair–and lots of it–and I’m capable of going full-dandelion puff in dry weather.

       I have a jaw-length bob right now with bangs and lots of layering. I use a mousse on my hair while wet (when I wash every other day), and then a dab of men’s hair cream each morning to direct the layers. The cream completely fixes the static issue, gives my hair some weight and direction, and makes it look thicker. It’s a game-changer for my short to medium-length styles.

       These products are not expensive, and I don’t have strong preferences. Here is a good one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B076B5GL98/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
       I’ve also used Crew forming cream and some others.

   12. I put a few drops of argan oil on the ends of my hair in the morning (just a tiny bit, otherwise it can look oily). If static persists later in the day, I run my hands over the ends after applying hand lotion.

   13. I have been hoarding like gold a bottle of Paul Mitchell Winter Anti-Static hair spray I bought probably a decade ago (I know…). It is amazing and I haven’t found a dupe but maybe one exists?

   14. I have the same sort of stick straight ultra fine static prone hair- what works for me is keeping longer hair, washing my hair every day, and using all the cheap, heavy sulfate containing conditioners (pantene smooth and sleek is my go to).

       I.e. all the things that I keep being told by stylists not to do.

9. Could use some advice from people I know have been there with a terminally ill parent.

   My MIL, who we are not in very close touch with, has had some health problems and has been diagnosed with what is likely terminal stomach cancer. She has malignant ascites, which we’ve been told means she is already end-stage and likely only has weeks to a few months left to live. This is obviously bringing up a lot of feelings for my husband, some of which read to me as sadness, and some of which reads as a kind of relief, which I don’t fully understand the reason for but don’t have any trouble accepting. My MIL is getting good treatment, but the oncologist made it clear the prognosis is dire and not likely to change, as she already has significant distant metastases. She may hang on for several months or may pass quickly, and they are putting her on hospice today. I am trying to give my husband space to talk, or not talk, as he wants to, but don’t know if there’s anything else I can or should be doing to support him through this. I have not been through this experience; my parents are younger than his mom and are in very good health. Any tips or advice for how to support my husband through this very uncertain and emotional time are appreciated.

   1. Clear the decks so he can go spend time with her. Regardless of the level of being in touch before, he will regret it if he doesn’t go see her now. Take over everything you can and encourage him to go.

      1. Thanks. He’s on his way to her today and will be there for the entire next week. And we’re tentative planning to visit her as a family in March.

      2. This isn’t true. I have family members about whom I have felt relief when they passed. I didn’t visit them and I didn’t want to visit them, and the best gift my family could give me was accepting that not wanting to visit them was a logical and healthy response.

         1. There is a difference in not being in very close touch and actively not wanting to be. I also think sometimes forgiving someone else is more about what you need in a relationship, and that’s an equally healthy response.

      3. Yes. When my mom was dying, she went from hospice to gone in 10 days. It was a relief due to the nature of her disease, but it was all-consuming. It’s all I could think about, and my thoughts weren’t just about her impending death, but also my responsibilities with her estate, my decision-making as her PoA, my unresolved resentments, my sadness for the hard parts of her life, my sadness for the things she’d never do again. All-consuming. My husband quietly, without asking, did everything else, so I could focus as much or as little on my mom as I needed to. Clearing the decks is a good description.

   2. Agree completely with the Clear the Deck advice above. That will leave space for him to see her or not and grieve however he needs.

      Also remember that she’s part of your family, too, and attend to your own grieving. Don’t put a weight on your husband, but also don’t be afraid to lean on friends and family in this time for yourself as well.

   3. I have been through it with both parents and understand the relief aspect when someone has been sick for a long time. Don’t question that in your husband. It’s tough enough to go through this without someone questioning how you’re grieving.

      That will be my main advice actually. We have the movie image of how someone grieves and then we have the truth. Sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re sad, the pattern may not make sense to other people. Other people seem to expect there’s a right way to do it – I had someone tell me it there was a “wall of grief” I had to climb and then once I was over the wall, I’d be done grieving. That is not how it worked for me at all. I would say it’s more like chronic illness. Some days you have no symptoms. Some days you can’t get out of bed. And I will never be fully over it.

      Just be there for your husband and his mom and let him do this on his schedule. Clear what you can from your own schedules for these last few days with mom and make sure husband can spend the time with her that he wants to spend with her. Everything else can wait.

      Hugs to you and your family.

   4. I’d say give him space to feel whatever feelings he has even if they may not seem appropriate to you. I agree with “clear the decks,” and also realize that he may not be thinking super clearly or operating on all cylinders now, and for a while (like, months) after she passes.

      When she does pass, there will be a lot of administrative things to take care of and help with that will be super appreciated. (Although part of me really resists advising you to offer to help with this because it seems like it always lands in the laps of daughters and daughters-in-law.)

      1. My husband was an absolute champion when I lost my mother in similar circumstances. He has given me so much space and grace through the grieving process, which was intense for about a year and still a part of our lives nearly two years on. He has always processed his feelings by talking to me, but when mom died, he knew he needed to reach out to other people and to use our time together to be supportive. He also jumped in to help with the administrative work, writing an incredible obituary, contacting people, and making sure the family was eating and sleeping.

         Grief is so personal and unpredictable. Your husband will likely need you to ride the wave with him with as much love as you can give him.

   5. 1) Clear the decks.
      2) Help as much as you can with admin tasks – there are so many at end of life and right after death. I know when my dad was struggling when his dad was on hospice/had just died handling the little admin stuff. My mom and her BIL (dad’s sister’s husband) jumped in and started handling the administrative stuff. Dad reciprocated a year later when my mom lost her mom.
      3) I”m not sure what the relationship with your husband and the rest of his family and his mom and the rest of the family is, but I think it’s really helpful when one person, slightly removed from the situation, handles the rest of the family. You can send out updates to extended family about her condition, answer questions like can I call/visit/write, things like that. My aunt is currently in and out of the hospital with some serious conditions and my cousin (a different niece of my aunt) is filling this role very well. My aunt’s kids don’t have the capacity to do this, so their cousin is there handling all communication with the extended family, helping with some admin (coordinating between the hospital vs the rehab) and some life admin (getting the mail from my aunt’s house and bringing it to her). It’s letting my cousins focus on spending time with their mom and doing what they can to help her heal (most health and insurance quesitons)

      When your husband comes back, he’s likely not going to want to have to make any decisions – ranging from the minute (what do you want for dinner? Does you have a suit to wear to the funeral?) to moderate (have we filed our taxes yet? what summer camp should the kids go to this year?) the major (planning a funeral, handling the estate). Do as much as you can to eliminate these decisions.

   6. I will add one thing–seeing death can make someone reevaluate a lot of aspects of their own life. This can take many forms–dissatisfaction with a job, or relationship, anger…it is a form of greiving and it’s not the “sit on the couch and tear up” form. Be ready for some personality changes and perhaps also introspection or apathy (what does it all mean? what’s the point?). In some people this galvanizes change, and in others, it can trigger a down state. So beyond the actual preparing for what is happening medically, know that grief is not merely missing the person who is gone. It can be way, way more, and some of those feelings overflow into your daily life (and as others have said, are present in the background for months and years to come) in a very real and haunting way.

      Hugs to all of you.

   7. My mother died a month ago and the biggest shock for me is how my memory is shot. Things like remembering what day it is and I keep asking the same questions, keep forgetting bills etc. Do what you can to take the administrivia of life off his plate, and keep whatever normalcy can be kept.

      Relief makes a bit of sense after a grim bout of cancer- understanding your MIL’s prognosis and going to happen is a relief, even if the powerlessness of it all is not easy to cope with.

      1. I am so sorry for your mom Nesprin.

   8. Therapy is available for caregivers of people in hospice. It might even be covered by insurance. My mother-in-law’s doctor was the one who referred my husband to a specialist in working with caregivers for the elderly. It has been incredibly helpful for him and, by extension, for me. You might look into this for your husband and for yourself. I also endorse the advice above about handling all the life maintenance stuff for a while.

      1. file a tax extension through an accountant

10. Ugh. If I had known how yesterday would go, I would have taken .5 PTO to devote to skating news.

    1. Same

       1. +2

11. Favorite mail app for your macbook? Mail is just eh, and web-based g m a i l just has too many things on the page visually.

12. Back to the ice skating. I read yesterday’s discussion but didn’t watch yet. But now i have. I get that it sucks that she fell, but the reaction of the other two Russian skaters who won gold and silver was so strange. In some ways it made the whole thing easier bc they can actually award medals. Favorites lose all the time. I get that this was different due to the doping scandal, but i truly felt badly for the gold medalist. Her coaches should’ve been celebrating with her. And the silver medalist should get over herself. She had some incredible jumps but Her routine was far from perfect. Also since when do so many women do quads? And why is it only the Russian women….

    1. Yesterday it was never more true that the bronze medalist was the only one who looked happy. Let me always have the joy of the third-place finisher :)

    2. Why do you think it is only the Russian women?

       1. Ha — there are no Russian women, only girls.

       2. I just think their entire team is dysfunctional.

          I liked silver place’s routine best but I could see how gold’s was technically better.

       3. Doping Scandal + the only women who do quads…I think we all know the answer. The Russians already had one doping scandal, that’s why they’re competing as the ROC. We know what the answer is.

    3. It struck me that one failure of Covid policies is the lack of protection for minors. No parents, only minimal coaching staff, all of whom seemed busy berating the other athletes rather than being there for the gold medalist.

       1. TBH, I doubt that the Russian figure skating machine was all kumbaya before COVID. I wonder, if this were 30+ years ago, could Valieva defect b/c of what she might fear could happen to her next?

          I did watch Erin Jackson skate her winning run and was like OMG you go, girl! I’m a Yankee and grew up figure skating on frozen lakes I had to shovel off but fell into speed skating as an adult (as a mom, no less) and it makes me happy to see a grownup woman doing well. I hope that she and Elena Meyers Taylor get their due for women in serious sports.

          1. Oh I agree, but this is the one time where is really seemed like it would have been better to have had a few more coaches around. And it seems terrible that Kamila has to spend the next few days with them, not able to see her family… though who knows, they could be pressuring her as much as everyone else. It all just seems like a mess, and it certainly wouldn’t be shocking to find out that all of the Russian skaters had been doping.

             1. And next year, they’ll probably all be gone, their bodies broken, replaced by people who think that it won’t also happen to them. I have a 13YO — I cannot imagine sending her off to something like this.

    4. Abused children suffered a traumatic week and didn’t handle it precisely how you, an adult woman, would have. Your take is not it.

       1. 100x

          I’m so sad for all three girls.

    5. The club where all three Russian skaters train Sambo 70 is a total winners factory, but the skaters tend to win then quit. The girl who came second was probably just glad she would now be able to fade away and go back to a normal life.

       1. Can she though? Like are these kids ever really in school to the point where they could just show up at high school and not be a long way behind in math progression, know how to do school 6-8 hours a day with other kids, etc.? I mean, they have the drive to do what they want. But to go from the top to behind the back has to be psychologically brutal, assuming you have a good family to go back to. IDK how easily a Russian family can say no to training like these girls endured (or if they are a problem to go back home to). I feel bad for them — maybe they could study abroad in a one-stoplight town in the US to decompress and see how the broader world works.

          1. I get the concern, but I watched an interview of Valieva from about 3 months ago. She said she prefers science and math to humanities and was taking calculus and Russian literature at the time of the interview. She seemed quite smart and like she had a lot to fall back on if she decides to move on from skating.

          2. Ok it seems like there are some very weird assumptions about Russia in this comment and I just want to point that out. Context: I am an American who has lived in Russia. “maybe they could study abroad in a one-stoplight town in the US to decompress and see how the broader world works” – yikes. We live in a globalized world, Russians have access to the internet, they watch Netflix too, plenty do travel abroad (Egypt, Turkey, Dubai, Greece, are popular destinations for Russian tourists). Russian public schools are quite different from US schools in terms of pedagogy and in terms of facilities but it’s not like US schools have the most amazing facilities in ‘one-stoplight’ towns either. The assumption that specifically Russian figure skaters might not have nice families to go back to is weird.

    6. Regarding the silver medalist unhappiness, it actually is proving the trueness of this study that I read about years ago and still reflect on. Especially with the bronze medalist being so happy. Highly recommend this read if you haven’t heard of this before –
       https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/thoughtful-animal/why-bronze-medalists-are-happier-than-silver-winners/

    7. There are more quads now because there are more literal children now. My husband was remarking on how all the skaters are so thin now, vs the very athletic body type we’d gotten used to. I googled it, actually. The Russians are choosing pre-pubescent girls because they can land quads. Once skaters go through puberty, the changes in particular to the hips mean they’re limited to triples for the most part. It’s sad.

       1. A lot of them have injuries so bad that they retire shortly after they medal. Like they could not become a good 19YO skater b/c they were a great 16YO skater. At a certain point, if a starved body breaks from doing a thing, maybe we should not let children do a thing. These girls are too young for tattoos, voting, and alcohol but we say it is OK to do these and give you higher scores (but no disability pension!) to encourage it.

          1. I am with you on being appalled that for the sake of a few points, children are risking life changing injury. I would really like to see the pre-rotation these girls are doing that is so dangerous to the back mean the jump doesn’t count.

    8. Obviously the Russian women are doping. I am just taking them out of all the records. (Queen) Yuna Kim is a two-time Olympic gold medalist, as she should be.

       1. *children

13. It looks like we will be under contract on a new house later today. I’m so excited, but this (suburban) house is more than double the square footage of our current (city) house. Would love to hear your stories of how (and over what period of time) you furnished a new, big house. We’ve budgeted some amount for new furnishings, but I have a feeling it’s going to barely make a dent in what we actually need. Rugs and artwork especially. It blows my mind that some people buy a new house and furnish the entire thing from start to finish (including rugs, curtains, art) in one go. Of course, we will use what we already have, but that will only start to cover what we need. Just to give an example, I was browsing outdoor dining sets yesterday and even fairly basic (but high quality) ones seem to start at $3,000 or more for a larger set!

    Another question: how do people feel about wall to wall carpet in bedrooms these days? The new house has carpeting in all of the upstairs (kids, and one guest) bedrooms. This house is a dream and does not strictly need any work, but I do think the carpeting looks a little worn. Wondering whether to (1) deep clean them and just deal with them as-is, since our kids may destroy them anyway; (2) rip them out and replace; or (3) rip them out and replace with hard wood (or see if there is already hard wood underneath).
    FWIW, we have a dog and 2 cats.

    Lastly, any experience in offering to purchase items from the seller? We’re buying from an empty nester couple who are downsizing, so wondering if we can get a deal on some items like bar stools for the basement bar, patio furniture, etc. Their taste is not exactly mine, but on those types of items, I don’t think it matters as much.

    Ok, really last thing, anyone here live in Moorestown NJ? Our new town!

    1. Congrats! Not in Moorestown but its one of the South Jersey towns I love – though I’m PA born and bred so I’ll never cross the bridge :)

       Personally, I hate wall to wall carpet in any setting, except a finished basement so I’d look into replacing with hardwood – at least in your bedroom. Depending on how old the kids are, maybe let them destroy the carpet and replace with hardwood there when they’re a bit older?

       1. Thank you! We’re making the move over from Philly (Philly born and bred here!) and definitely nervous about becoming a suburbanite! Thankful it’s a short drive over the bridge though.

          The primary bedroom (ours) is hardwood which we love. I think you may be right about keeping the carpet as-is in our (very young) daughters’ rooms and replacing once they can be responsible about not destroying it.

    2. Congrats! My two cents is don’t rush to do it all at once if you don’t have the money or energy. It’s a lot!

       I’m on bonus cycle no. 2 in the new house. Each time I get a bonus, I pick a room and buy the furniture I want for that room. Last year was the dining room from Restoration Hardware, and this year was the guest bedroom and a new mattress for the master bedroom. Since I am only doing one room at a time, I am able to spring for the pieces or look I really want instead of compromising.

       1. Love the bonus cycle idea! Especially since I do want to buy some splurge items (like RH) that we don’t actually need right away.

    3. FB Marketplace. All the way.

       Have your agent ask their agent if they’re open to selling any of their items. It’s common.

       Keep the wall to wall until the kids are older / you’ve lived in the house a while to see how noisy/echoy it is.

       1. Ditto about working through the agents re furniture. We had a similar issue (sellers were retiring and leaving a 4 bedroom house for a ~2BR condo in FL), so we were able to mutually agree to purchasing a lot of items that saved us having to purchase a bunch at the outset. They were planning on an estate sale anyway (and did with the items we didn’t purchase) so it was a win-win.

          Overall, I’d get in there and live a bit before buying new furniture. not a bad idea to clean the carpets if you think they haven’t been recently (may also be something to suss out since sellers may have just cleaned). Congrats!

    4. Look at Costco for basic but nice furniture.

    5. 1. Carpet v. Hardwood: when I was remodeling our first floor last year, and debating whether to retain carpet in LR and DR, the hive spoke with one voice: get the hardwood. I am so happy I listened; actually about to start replacing bedroom carpets with hardwood. I’ll cover them with rugs b/c rugs – but I’d definitely go for hardwood.

       2. Furnishing: start with a plan. If you can find an interior decorator who works by the hour (and not commission based) first figure out what you need and what you have, then you can plan to fill the gap. hive also came to rescue on this one for me recently when I was struggling to find a decorator who works by the hour – they suggested stagers, who led me to the person I am working with now.
       Once you know what you need in general, stalk FB Marketplace, Craigslist, and estate sale sites. i have found so many really good pieces this way. On estate auctions, i can tell in a hot minute if the people whose possessions are being sold had my taste or not – if not, move on. But I’ve sourced some really great finds this way (including ruts and artwork). As long as you aren’t wedded to a certain look and are okay with findings things you love, that make you happy to look at, even if they aren’t “matchy matchy” you will have so much fun.
       3. Take your time, and live with things for a while before just filling up a room with furniture. You want to know how the light falls, where you spend most of your time, etc.
       4. keep a lookbook on pinterest or houzz or something like that, to remind yourself of something that caught your eye.
       Good luck!

    6. My personal formula (I’m in eastern PA, so somewhat similar climate) is hardwood on the first floor, wall-to-wall carpet on the second floor. I prefer the easy-to-clean floor on the ground where we have guests and tromp in with weather on our shoes, and the cozy warmth of carpet upstairs in the bedrooms. (Caveat: we will never be a shoes-off household because I hate that, so YMMV.)

       My best tip is to wait and learn your life patterns in the house before buying room-defining furniture. We bought based on all kinds of assumptions that turned out to be wrong–like, we don’t host sit-down meals. Our table and chairs are shoved in the corner to make room for DH’s piano and drum kit. We don’t need a dining room.

       We asked for a few items they might have otherwise taken, like the pot rack that hung from the ceiling (I figured why try to find a match for the holes, when it was already there) and they were amenable.

    7. I think the furnish all at once approach is usually a mistake unless you have deep pockets and either a decorator or a really good eye. My friend had her house furnished and decorated top to bottom around six weeks after move in, and it honestly just looks like a furniture showroom to me. But I prefer a more layered, personalized look with tchotchkes and furniture acquired over time (vintage and new), while I know she’s not very into design and likes her things to be brand new. We were also the people who lived with an outdoor bistro set in our kitchen for almost a year before we found the perfect table and chairs, so maybe I’m the wrong person to listen to on this topic, hah! Keep in mind that furniture is having major supply chain issues right now, so you won’t be likely to get anything right away even if you order right away.

       I always recommend living in a home six months or so before doing any drastic work *except* for installing hardwood flooring since you have to move everything out and it’s such a dusty job. We have some (really nice, almost new) wool carpeting in our house and decided to live with it until it wears out, then install hardwood to match the rest of the house. I’m now dreading having to move everything out in order to do that. That said, if you’re going to have wall to wall carpet anywhere, I’d have it in bedrooms.

    8. Grew up in Mtown. Growing up there was defintely a class divide between classmates. Pros: Beautiful historic town, excellent public and private schools academically, lovely to walk and bike around main street and all the neighborhoods from the high school to lenola. Cons: Personally the McMansion land part of town makes me sad, so much waste and bad architecture on what used to be farm land and is much more car centric to me. Unhappy memories, bullying, and a difficult time fitting in with my peers have colored my thoughts on the town itself, but it is objectively one of the best towns to live.

       Best local places: Maple Shade Custard Stand is essential to surviving summer, the Pie Lady and Passariellos are also staples on Main st. Maple Shade 4th of July fireworks are my standard i measure all fireworks shows against. Lots of little side streets around town thay can be charming when you stumble across them.
       The townhall/library is relatively new but the musty, concrete bunkershelter library that used to be there got me through the unhappy time that was middle and high school.

       1. Thank you for this! I agree about the mcmansion area. We are buying in the older area closer to Main st. (but not the fanciest older area – our house is probably the biggest on the block, but a lot of adorable, smaller bungalow style homes).

          It’s so funny you mention the old library. Our good friends live in Moorestown, one grew up there, and has the same take on the new vs. old library. She says the new one is great but she loved the old one and misses it.

          Re: your unhappy experience… I do worry about raising my kids in a bubble, bullying, cliques, etc. but I’m not sure other areas would be all that different? Maybe I’m being naive. City schools presented their own problems (public — not many good ones in Philly, crowded classrooms even in the good ones; private – super wealthy kids, extremely expensive).

    9. Furnishing – recommend that you do it not all at once, but slowly and steadily. That will help you end up with pieces that you really like a lot. Also as you live there a while you’ll figure out that where you originally wanted xx you know want yy. Like in my den, I really thought I wanted a couch but after living there a year I cannot stop thinking about a pair of armchairs instead. Also, doing it slowly you can concentrate on quality and getting what you really want vs. making all the decisions right away, and it’s also a more collected look that I prefer. We’ve lived in our much bigger house for a year+1 month and DH had the goal of it being furnished in a year – I’d say we’re 80% there.

       Wall to wall carpet in bedrooms – we have wall to wall in our bedroom and that’s it. We don’t have kids. If it were me, I’d get the wall to wall deep cleaned in the kids rooms because they will destroy them, but it’s nicer to be on than hard floors.

       We never purchased items from the seller, but we did sell a good amount of things with our first house sale. We were moving across country and majorly downsizing so I actually had a listing of what we would sell during house tours. The sellers wrote up what they were interested, and did offer to buy some items that I didn’t have listed (including a humorous cool pillow and some lamps), and we went ahead and sold it all to them. I would ask your realtor to ask them if they are interested in selling any furniture, and taking it from there.

       If you’re looking for deals, I highly recommend Facebook Marketplace for furniture. I’ve bought a lot of quality items on FB Marketplace.

    10. I’d rip up the carpets before you move in. Doing this at any other time will be a giant pain. I did it at my old house and we had to move out for close to a week while they refinished the wood underneath. It would have been so much better to do it before we moved in.

        I don’t personally like wall to wall. I know there are fans on here but I’ve never seen wall to wall in anyone’s house that didn’t gross me out. The only time it really looks clean is the day it is installed. People who live with it day to day get used to how it looks, but to an outsider’s eye, it’s dirty.

    11. I personally prefer carpet in the bedrooms as it seems to have a “warmer” feel. I do live in a cold climate though.

        As for furnishing the home, I would just warn you to expect long delays on anything you may order. The furniture supply chain is still bonkers. My SIL was quoted 12-18 months for a couch!

    12. New furniture is stupid expensive, often poor qualify, and takes a really long time to arrive.

        Used furniture is cheap, plentiful, often high quality, and is right there in front of you. The only issue is you have to go out and find it. If I were in your shoes, my new hobby would be going to estate sales in all the good neighborhoods. And yes, for sure buy what you can from the sellers! (In fact, I’d start by asking if they will throw them in with the sale.)

    13. We moved into a new house and I had all the existing carpet replaced with new carpet. I got it from Home Depot, it wasn’t that expensive, they installed it in one afternoon, and it made a massive difference. It was cheap and easy enough that if I decide to put in hardwood at some point, I would regret having done it. Everything feels clean and nice.

    14. Another voice for tear out the carpets now. Carpet is just nasty over time, and never looks good. It’s much easier to fix floors in an empty house before you move in than after you live there.
        On decorating, totally personal, but my preference has been to at least get basics in and finish over time. And another +1 for FB Marketplace.

        1. Oh I meant tear out and replace with hardwood now. Hardwood plus area rugs is still cozy and looks great.

14. Confession: I wear my hair to work every day wet in a bun. I’m starting a new job and really want to start wearing my hair more professionally. I have naturally straight medium length hair. Is it worth trying like a brush/blow dryer combo? Is there a product that will speed up drying time? I will not be showering at night I adore my morning showers.

    1. I love my brush/blow dryer combo product, but it does not speed up drying time. For me, I shower first thing in the morning and towel dry my hair, then do everything else I need to do while I let my hair air dry. At the very end of my routine I go in first with a regular hair dryer to finish up 90% of the drying and then use the hair dryer/brush styler to smooth everything out at the end. I feel like this is the routine that I’ve found that spends the least amount of hands-on time working on my hair and I like the way it looks consistently. To be fair, my hair is a little above shoulder length, so it is on the shorter side.

    2. I use the Kenra Platinum Blow Dry Spray. My stylist always uses it and I finally bought some when I was at the salon. I find that it does help speed things up when I dry my hair. It also smells great. I dry my hair with the dryer and then straighten it with a flat iron. I also don’t wash my hair every day. My hair is long and I’m to lazy to do the full routine every day.

    3. I love my Amika brush/blower combo. My hair is very fine and it works really well. Within about six or seven minutes, it goes from towel dried to styled.

    4. I have an inexpensive brush/blow dryer from Amazon and it works great, leaves my almost-bra-band length hair smooth without the Gidget upturn that I get at the ends if I don’t style it. I think it’s a bit faster than a regular blow dryer, but not hugely faster. I bought these for two of my sisters, who also like it. The model I have bought is no longer available, but it’s very similar to the flat version of the Revlon One-Step dryer/brush (not the round one).

       I use Paul Mitchell skinny serum before starting the drying process, which is what my stylist uses; I do think it reduces the drying time a bit. Finally, after I towel dry, I put my hair up in a microfiber turban while I’m getting dressed and doing other morning tasks; that helps asbsorb more of the water so it dries faster

    5. I like the Bumble and Bumble No Blow Dryproducts; just apply to wet hair and go, and it creates a really good facsimile of a blow dry.

15. How do you keep track of all of your tasks, emails, etc? I am really struggling to know what I need to do, and then I struggle to stay focused to get it done. I’ve dropped a few balls lately and I really need to pull it together.

    1. I use the Sticky Notes app on my computer as my to-do list. I write down any little thing that I need to remember or get done. I work with technical data and it’s easier to type something quickly rather than write write out a bunch of details on paper.

       I am Team In-Box Zero. When I open my email in the morning, I sort by message type and look through the meeting invitations I need to respond to. Then I look through all the other emails and delete things I don’t need. I also sort by subject line so I can quickly read through a whole thread. Any emails that require action go into my Follow Up folder.

       I also keep a Waiting for Response folder for emails where I am waiting on a response from someone. This saves me time from hunting through my Sent items looking for something I sent a week ago.

       I also have folders for all the projects I’m working on and file things that I may need to refer to later.

    2. I found the book The Five Choices helpful for thinking through this.

    3. I use One Note. I have a main notebook for most of my work and on the first page of the first section I have a “work overview” table where I keep track of all my different projects, what status they are currently in, relevant due-dates, and my to-do list for that project. I am a lawyer, not a project manager or anything, so this may be lower tech than what is available, but it is working very well for me. I use the rest of my One Note notebooks to keep notes and track things in more depth. I like that I can link emails and calendar events to it, and can synch to-do’s with Outlook when I want to.

       I have adhd and the only way things don’t slip through the cracks for me is to have a “system” that becomes a habit.

       Good luck!

    4. Old-school, but a yellow legal pad. I just keep a running list.

       1. Same. Written to do list for the week on a memo pad is how I do it. I add and cross things off throughout the week.

          1. +1, and a large sticky note to list what absolutely needs to be done that day.

    5. I use a weekly undated calendar that has extra pages in between each week where I copy over my project list every week. The one I’ve used from years is from NeuYear – love it and the big wall calendars he sells. 100% of my notes/projects/tasks are in this planner.

       I have a lot of small projects going on at once, ranging from 15-50 at a time. I basically call anything that can’t be accomplished immediately a project – anything that takes multiple steps to complete. At the beginning of the week, I review the project list by actually handwriting the list again. I make a lot of follow ups during that time. After that, I’ll time block project tasks for a few days in the weekly schedule part. I very roughly actually time block my day – the blocks are really used for more of touchpoints/daily to do lists. Whenever I accomplish a task off of the weekly list or finish a project off of the project list, I highlight it. When I’m really on top of being organized, I use a different highlighter for every day so I can tell what day I completed the task/project on. This isn’t necessary for anything but my brain in seeing pretty colors.

       Email – too much I treat it as a to do list. I try and answer emails immediately whenever possible and then move to a folder. If an email is more involved, it may turn into a task or project and get written down. I love trying to do inbox zero but it’s been totally not happening in the past few months. I also reply to myself in emails to add my own notes or project names, so then later when I’m searching for something I can search for the project name and the corresponding emails will come up.

       I used to just keep a good old legal pad of tasks/projects ongoing and would highlight them as I completed them. I switched because some of my projects have long wait periods that I still need to keep them in the back of my mind and I’d lose them in previous pages. I also like having the weekly planner because I can go back and look at notes and have a rough idea of the date it happened on (the week, if not the date).

       About once a year I think I’m going to get organized by file folders, and that literally never works for me for ongoing projects. I need a list and will not rifle through folders, not matter how pretty the folders or system :). It does work pretty well for one of my colleagues.

       Also, spreadsheets for tracking specific things. Every smaller project has an electronic spreadsheet, and for my big projects there’s really big spreadsheets with lots of tabs.

       I’ve tried different electronic project management systems/apps and for me, this way definitely works best. I think it’s all about trying different things until you get something that you’ll automatically grab daily.

    6. I just resubscribed to TeuxDeux. It’s simple enough a system that I actually use it.

16. today’s my day…going to do the thing…all the things that have been hanging over me all week. Going to knock them out one after the other, and go into the weekend with a clear head and conscience. Thanks SA.

    1. Me, too. One big Thing that needs doing that I need to do before lunch (anyone want to give me a pep talk?).

       1. YOU GOT THIS!!

    2. I was reading a novel about a lady who designed a planner system and one of her features is a list titled The “Don’t think. Do” List.
       I think about this when people mention “doing the thing” here.

    3. YAY! I’m not the one who first talked about Doing The Thing on here, but — YAY!!

       I think the original post was “it’s a lot easier to Do The Thing than to worry about not doing the thing.” Which is so true!!

    4. OKAY this post made me do my thing – I made the phone call I needed to make. And left a message so now I get to wait to hear back. LOL.

17. What is your most versatile shoe?
    I’d like to refresh my shoe wardrobe and I want to find a black footwear option that is comfortable (I’m on my feet some days for 4-5 hours at a time) and that I can get away with wearing with pretty much anything on the casual side – jeans, pants, leggings, skirts/dresses- and still feel put together.
    So tell me- what are the shoes you reach for 80% of the time?

    1. Sketchers knockoffs of Fly London wedge shoe thingies. They are a few years old, so maybe check out Fly London?

    2. I have a pair of comfort oxfords that are pretty versatile – they work with pants or dresses. It was hard to find a pair that wasn’t fugly and I plan to wear them into the ground. Loafers may also work.

    3. Red Wing Harriet boots in black.

       – They are extremely comfortable (once broken in). They’re also good for my feet – even though I’m young and can Get away with wearing bad shoes, I try to limit when I do that as a favor to my future feet/body.
       – They go with everything. Black booties with a 1.5 or 2 inch heel. The heel is low enough that its very comfortable (I can commute to work in them – my commute is a 40 min walk) but it looks a little elevated (pun not intended).
       – Classic style (black Chelsea boots) that goes with everything. I wear them with jeans on weekends to the bar, I wear them with work pants to my nicer end of business casual office, I wear them with tights and dresses. I wear them when I want to look polished and put together but also wear them when I’m going to be on my feet or in bad weather or outside.
       – Really well made. They’re Red Wings, they’ll last me a loooong time (as long as I do the maintenance on the leather). The soles are Goodyear welt, so built to last. If I need them resoled, Red Wing will do that for a reasonable price.
       – Virbram soles, so I can wear them in snow/ice and not worry about slipping.

       Literally the only “con” is that I’ve never spent this much money on something before (only exceptions are my phone and my car – both of which I bought outright). But, they’re high quality so I’m okay with the price and the price per wear will be low.

       I have a well made boot problem, so I’m also obsessed with my Blundstones but the Harriets definitely look nicer and more put together.

       1. They sound great — I wish I liked the way they look.

       2. Oh those are way out of my budget but amazing. Agree that this type of boot is super versatile – I have flat black Chelsea boots that I wear all the time.

          1. They were a huge splurge for me – had my eye on them for 3 years and finally pulled the trigger to celebrate a new job (with a big raise…)

       3. Me too. I have a pair of brown Frye boots (closest on current offer is Veronica short harness boot) I get resoled every 3 years or so, and now that I generally wear orthotics I added a pair of Ecco black combat-y boots to the rotation. I wear one of these almost every day to work and in life in the winter (biz casual office that leans more casual). Love Blundstones but I am a low-volume wardrobe person and since I have brown and black boots of similar heights, I can’t add a third to the rotation. I avoid heels now (see above orthotics need), but I can comfortably wear a pair of Dansko block heel oxfords without them. Those three options are the winter work shoes and I’ve needed nothing else.

          For summer: I don’t wear Birks to work, but they are my summer casual shoe and I wear them until they break. This year I am springing for my podiatrist to make me a pair with a custom footbed. Before orthotics, I had 3 pairs of colorful Rothy’s and those were my summer work shoes. TBD on how I’ll handle this year.

          I used to have much flashier and fun shoes in rotation, but my feet have vetoed doing that in my 40s. I would also describe my current style as vaguely hip lumberjack who likes art galleries. So YMMV.

       4. Fancy (glittery, patterned, etc) sneakers. I am a sucker for the Kate Spade/Rifle paper/Jungalow/etc. collections from Keds.

    4. Rothy’s. #basic

       1. I have tried to love them but I do not find them comfortable for walking or standing in!

       2. I don’t find flats comfortable and idk if it’s just me but they are looking dated to me too

    5. I like these guys!
       https://www.clarksusa.com/c/Tamzen-Step/p/261620084075

    6. I’m a loafer person, and since my feet are big enough, tend to find better options on the men’s side of the house. Most women’s dressier shoes are not well suited to long days on one’s feet. I’m currently sporting a pair of vintage Allen Edmonds loafers that I picked up on Poshmark, stripped, dyed and re-polished. They can be resoled when the time comes and are of a timeless style. Old-fashioned shoe care is quite possibly the only skill I learned in the military and being able to take a pair of shoes from 1980’s to new using about $10 of supplies is something that’s served me well over the years.
       tl;dr – if your feet are big enough, you can’t beat well-made men’s shoes for the uses you mentioned.

    7. Birkenstock clogs. I’m in the Bay Area and used to treat these only as slippers but I started seeing everyone wear them out and about so I finally said what the hell. My feet have never been in better shape. I have the shearling Bostons, the unlined Bostons, and the Buckley clog that looks like a loafer in the front.

       1. I so wish I could wear Birks to work

          1. Op was talking about casual, I think, so that’s how I answered. I would not wear my birks to work!!

             1. Oh unrelated to the OPs comment, I thought you could wear them to work and I was so jealous! I actually wore my birk sandals to work in the summer at an old job and miss being able to do so!

                I’m the Red Wing and Blundstones poster above, I just really have a thing for very comfy/supportive well made shoes

    8. In the summer, black espadrilles, and in the winter, black loafers.

    9. Vans

    10. A pointed toe low heeled black chelsea boot. Basically my everyday shoe

18. I just ordered and returned a bunch of stuff from this brand. The fabrics are of such poor quality that I thought they’d fall apart on first delicate wash. I like the colors, and the sizing is inconsistent, but the quality is what makes this brand a hard no.

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