Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Opal Blouse

286 Comments

1. Anyone have a ID badge holder you love? Mine is falling apart. I prefer the kind that you attach to your pants and is retractable since I need to swipe in and out constantly.

   1. I’ve gotten a full year out of these: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07KGQQHCJ?ref=nb_sb_ss_w_as-reorder-t1_k1_1_5&amp=&crid=19BNXCK5VLS17&sprefix=badge&th=1

2. Shopping request – I’m looking for a purse to use on an upcoming business trip to Asia. I would prefer that it be light and comfortable (not a capacious tote) because I will be hauling it around to a mix of meetings at restaurants and sightseeing. I only really need to carry essentials – a small notepad, glasses, phone, wallet, and maybe a small water bottle. Zipper or very secure closure preferred. I am willing to spend up to $750 and want something that looks nice, but don’t want anything that screams designer.

   1. for functionality while traveling, i love the tumi tyler crossbody bag. It is so lightweight, comfortable, and fits everything i need. For something leather, i’ve had my eye on the clare v moyen messenger.

      1. The Tumi Tyloer is a great choice, but I think I like the look of the MZ Wallace Crosby crossbody a little better. I really like that it has the removable shoulder strap. I find myself using the shoulder strap for dinners, etc. and the crossbody strap during the day. I definitely prefer Nylon when traveling.

   2. Mulberry has several small bags that meet your requirements. I recently bought a bag from them after recommendations from this group and am very happy with the quality. It ships from the US so ordering was not a hassle like some UK companies. Longchamp has some leather offerings that also fit the bill. A few years ago I would have recommended Cuyana but IMO their quality has gone down.

      1. Just did a trip with similar requirements and the longchamp cross body was great. Not heavy, good internal pockets and fit my camera to boot.

   3. The mini crossbody with the zipper top from Portland Leather – around $150!

      1. These are on sale today!

         1. fwiw, they are /always/ on sale, always presented as “today’s the last

         2. fwiw, they are *always* on sale (and it’s always the “last day” of said sale), so don’t feel rushed to buy today if you’re interested in checking out what they have
            (I like their designs/style but the fake urgency of their advertising ticks me off)

      2. My mom – notoriously purse-picky – LOVES her Portland Leather bag. And she specifically cited that it’s small enough that she can’t stuff it with everything.

   4. I would check out Jack Gomme coated linen bags. I have the tote bag version of this material and it has held up well with a year of use (despite my fear of scratches). The material is incredibly light.
      https://jackgomme.com/en/products/h23-happy-al

      1. Oo this brand is new to me and I’m going to try it! Thank you, everyone!

         1. Good choice! I am also intrigued by this brand! I do like my Portland Leather circle tote, but since it’s leather it’s not the lightest. For travel I want the lightest option.

   5. I bought the larger version of this bag for my MIL for an overseas trip and she loves it because it’s lightweight. https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/le-pliage-neo-messenger-bag/7136079?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001.

      If you don’t like the “longchamp” label, the medium size one does not include the brand name.

3. I am in house counsel at a huge company. There is nothing objectively bad about my job, and really by all accounts it’s probably a good job as I am paid fairly, work remotely, and have very little oversight. But, wow, am I unhappy. I recently took a little time off thinking it was just burnout, and it made it so much worse. I am someone who needs a purpose and structure and my department has neither. It’s really starting to wear me down. Any tips to make it more bearable until I can find a way out?

   1. It sounds like you’re not busy enough. If you’re not able to take on something new directly in your role, I would identify something fulfilling to push for like speaking at a professional event or getting published.

   2. If there’s any chance it’s the remote work causing you unhappiness, try a coworking space, coffee shop, or other stand-in for a workspace that isn’t in your house.

      When I’m in a working-from-home funk in my in-house role, getting out of the house helps dramatically. I have a coffeeshop, two different airport hotel lobbies, and a coworking space that I all use regularly. I’ve also been tempted to try this out: https://world.hyatt.com/content/gp/en/offers/work-from-hyatt/office-for-the-day.html

   3. I’m not sure what in my post made you think that I am not busy enough, but the opposite is true and I have been asking to have things taken off my plate for a long time now.

      1. Do you want advice and ideas, or do you just want to vent? Please be clear. The immediate defensiveness doesn’t make me think you want advice.

         Just in case you do: if you need a lot of structure, and to feel like work is providing your purpose in life, and you don’t have either in your current job, the only way this gets fixed is to either a. Completely change your mindset about your job or B. Get a new job. If you’re the type of person who is super invested in your job and career, and doesn’t have much of a life outside of work, then the first thing (changing your mindset) may just be too difficult. So throw yourself into finding a new position. Make sure you ask really good questions about the organization and how it operates before you accept.

      2. Do you need more human contact? WFH is like solitary confinement for me, especially after COVID. I can do it for a day but with longer windows of time, it really affects me to have no simultaneous commication with another human, especially in the work times of the day.

         1. Ditto on that and I’m an introvert! When I work from home I feel like I’m living from work. Do not like.

            1. Same here. I thought, as an introvert, I would love WFH. Turns out that I really hate it.

            2. I need changes of pace and changes of pace. I wasn’t homeschooled but as a kid I liked having school at school and home at home. School followed me around in a backpack but in college did work at the library or academic buildings and rarely in my dorm.

            3. Working from home one day a week is perfect for me. I’m an introvert who likes/needs a small amount of human contact, and it’s great to have one day where I don’t have to answer the public phone line or have people pop into my office. Lets me think about tough assignments, etc. I might like it better if I had a dedicated office, but I don’t have that possibility (tiny house) and my natural nightowl nature makes me sleep in so I get real vampire-y and do work way later than usual.

      3. Hmmm I also read it as you not being busy enough. Is there any chance that if you’re busy, WFH, and have little oversight that you just are feeling very transactional/like a cog right now? Would coordinating with people live vs over email help? Or working in person? Also if you don’t like a job, there’s nothing wrong with switching even if the job is perfectly good!

         1. I also wonder if it’s the transactional feeling. I sometimes feel this way about my job. My plate is full to overflowing, yet I don’t feel like anyone notices or cares until something in the process breaks down, or I push back. Then it ends up feeling adversarial and icky, like I’m their little work gnome with unlimited capacity. So much of my coordination is done virtually, which doesn’t help.

      4. I did not mean for this to come off as defensive it is just inaccurate so I wanted to correct the record before I got a bunch of advice about doing more. Being asked to do more would put me over the edge at the moment.

      5. Honestly I would actually prefer less human contact. The days I took off I interacted with no one but my husband and it was wonderful. I spend about 10-20 hours a week on Zoom and I hate it. I have done everything I can to cut back on meetings, but it is the nature of this particular role.

         1. Who doesn’t like days off though? That is comparing a job to being retired, so not helpful really unless you just want that, which is fine. Maybe you need a PT Jon and not a FT one.

         2. 10-20 hours/week on Zoom is A LOT. That in and of itself could be wearing you down in very subtle ways. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the impact of Zoom in the early days on the pandemic — it changes how people interact, and also there’s something about the way we need to present ourselves because all gets squeezed into a tiny square. I’m not saying this explains all of your experience of the job, but it may combine with other factors other people have mentioned.

            Also — something I haven’t seen mentioned yet: is it possible there is something in the culture/environment of your organization or your specific department that may be toxic either generally or specifically to you?

            I would encourage you to spend some time identifying when this feeling started, and what was happening around that time…

      6. I’m the one who responded about being busier. It sounds like you took it as an insult but it’s because you’re coming across like someone who is bored and needs something new worked into your day-to-day work. I was trying to address the part where you felt like your type of work wasn’t giving you purpose and the need for more structure. That usually comes with taking on projects that excite you. I feel most passionate about my career when I’m engaged in those sorts of activities or even attending a conference to hear from peers or pursuing small bits of training in something new that interests me. No one ever truly has time for those things, you just have to make it. Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re already looking for another job. You’re unwilling to take on other types of projects in the meantime and it doesn’t sound like you’re able to work in your current role to do more of what interests you and less of what doesn’t. The only other things to attack are how you are working (sounds like you’re already trying to minimize meetings). Can some of those Zooms be made better with more/less social interaction as part of them? It also sounds like you might need to fill non-work time with more of what you enjoy to give you something to look forward to (some structure) until you can shake up your career how you want it. I’d spend a lot more time thinking about what you do and don’t want in a job–general burnout and malaise is harder to attack than “I enjoy X types of projects and want to avoid Y.” Ultimately you need to be active in the solution and be realistic about what trade-offs you are and aren’t willing to make.

   4. People have suggested that I consider leaving my in-house counsel role and taking an executive/operations position in the organization. I don’t want to stop practicing law, so I have not done it. But would this work for you if there is a department in your company that does have “purpose and structure” (unlike yours)?

   5. Maybe you don’t like the area of law you are practicing? It sounds like you need to pinpoint exactly what you don’t like about this current job, and then see if it is something you can change.

      1. That’s an interesting idea. I think part of what I don’t like is how little time I actually spend practicing law because of the chaos of everything else.

         1. There isn’t a practice of law though without a lot of meetings and human interaction and it is via zoom if you are remote. What remote work that practices law involves less of what you dislike? Pretty soon AI will draft prospectuses and admins can do first drafts of everything else. Your pay band should be supervising and doing top-level reviews and training juniors.

            1. Most of my colleagues at my level do not seem to have half of the meetings I do. I am in so many meetings primarily because of one non-legal project I was staffed on because I have a special skill set. I don’t want to be using that skill set and it isn’t typical for a lawyer to have it.

            2. Does the project have an end date? If not, it is part of your core job and you maybe need to negotiate out of it as an area (like go to PT and drop this area) or leave. If you work on X and Y as a FT jobs it is hard to drop X or Y without someone picking that up.

            3. Ah, that seems to be the source of dismay: a bait and switch. You joined to be in house COUNSEL, but they hired you for (or, after hiring you, seized on) your non-legal skills. Is there any way to be taken off this project? When is this project anticipated to be completed? Can you tolerate waiting it out (thereby demonstrating you are a “team player,” while simultaneously possibly gaining sufficient “cred” to be able to request no more of that work, thank you very much!)?

         2. I think that’s just part of being in-house, though. The time I spend research, drafting, or analyzing legal issues is small compared to the amount of time I spend in meetings, organizing teams and projects, reading reports, doing administrate tasks, answering questions, following up . . .

            My limited understanding is that in a really really big legal department you can escape from some of this and be more of a specialist, so maybe that would be something to look at?

4. DH and I moved into a new house in an area with tiny lots. So the neighbor’s back yard in very close to our house. The neighbor has at least one dog and is a dog sitter. Whenever she goes outside, which is frequently and for 10-ish minutes at a time, the dogs bark; we don’t think she leaves the dogs outside alone. Because the houses are close, we can hear the dogs barking when they are outside and we are inside of our house. I really like dogs even though we do not have one, but neither DH nor I enjoys listening to dogs bark in 10 minute intervals, especially when we are working. We both WFH full time. Help me approach the neighbor about this.

   1. This doesn’t sound hugely unreasonable, although I don’t doubt it’s annoying. Honestly, I’d invest in good noise canceling headphones and call it a day unless it’s for hours at a time, late at night, or you are concerned about the dogs’ welfare.

   2. Dogs bark, babies cry, children play loudly, musicians practice, this is normal behavior living in close proximity to others. As you say she is doing nothing wrong and is not leaving the dogs alone outside for extended periods. The solution here is for you to work on your own side – earplugs, white noise, rooms in your home for WFH that are more sound-proof if that is needed for you. I would not approach your neighbor.

      1. This.

         1. +1

            I live in similar very close proximity to neighbors/yards.

            This is just the way it is.

            WFH is a real, real, luxury. So you have to put up with the occasional lawn mower and dogs parking. It is a small price to pay.

            1. Yep, this is why the office exists.

      2. This. She’s doing nothing wrong. If you didn’t want to hear your neighbors you shouldn’t have moved to this neighborhood.

   3. Unfortunately, this is part of being in a neighborhood. My neighbors’ dogs drive me bonkers at times. But they have to go out, and dogs are gonna dog (bark).

   4. How much time are you taking? Is this a few handfuls of times per day?

      Is it bad enough it can be heard by coworkers over the phone when you are inside with the doors closed?

      I guess what I’m asking is if your neighbor is outside with her dogs for ~10 minutes a few times per day and they make your normal dog noise…there’s nothing much to do here except live somewhere with bigger lots. She can’t just keep her dogs inside all day and she seems to be outside with them.

      Similarly, if your neighbor had young kids and not dogs and were out there while they played, you could probably still hear that.

      FWIW I live in a suburb with large lots to avoid this. My neighbors dogs bark during the day but there is a lot of space between us. I can still hear them inside but it’s pretty muffled.

      1. Right! Be glad it isn’t a kid learning the tuba or bagpipes or an adult with a garage band.

         1. Or a neighbor with a woodworking hobby. One of our neighbors down the street turns on his miter saw seemingly everytime we sit down on the patio, at 6pm, 7pm, 8pm – whatever time we sit. ok, maybe not always, but often enough that we joke about it. They are a couple houses down so I can only imagine the noise level at the direct neighbors.

         2. Ha! I have a kid learning the bagpipes!

            1. I’m gonna need more information on that.

               I have a budding violinist/pianist and a budding trumpeter/double bass player. My husband is a drummer in one band and a guitarist/singer in another. My house would drive OP nuts.

   5. These are not the answers I wanted, and I appreciate you all providing them. The neighbor smokes outside, so I’d say she is outside for about 10 minutes every hour.

      I find dog barking noise to be really annoying even as I think the noises of children playing outside to be fun. Perhaps it’s because the dog barking is constant and noise from childen playing isn’t? Anyway, doesn’t matter. I hear you all. Don’t talk to the neighbor about it.

      1. I sympathize because my dog is a barker and it is loud and I love him more than anything and it is annoying sometimes even to me. I bring him inside if he starts barking when we’re outside and it goes on too long, and it sounds like your neighbor could be more considerate on that front, but as others said, dogs gonna bark. We’re training on the reaction and it is HARD to make progress and some breeds are going to bark more than others.

         1. Same. I have two dogs on a half acre lot. Huge pet peeve to me when they are outside and start barking at birds or whatever. I immediately tell them to cut it out and if they don’t, they come in. Husband doesn’t take issue with it because other neighbor dogs bark but it drives me nuts.

      2. Home Depot has noise cancelling paintable wall panels that you can hang in your home office to minimize the noise. is it a worse when she has the extra dogs over? Can you adjust your work hours at all? Like if she is dog sitting 9-5 then can you work 8-4 so you get a bit of uninterrupted time to start your day? Does she have more dogs than permitted? Some cities/towns have a 4 dog max. Not sure how that applies to a dog sitter though.

      3. Maybe it would help if you met the dogs? I know our neighbors’ dogs and while they don’t bark as much as that, if I hear one whining but know it’s Rover specifically as opposed to Max, it feels more personal :)

         1. Exactly. “Max, keep it down! I have a call in 5! Here’s a biscuit!”

      4. How much noise overall are you getting from outside? You mention dogs barking, kids playing, etc. Not just for the noise but also for your electric/gas bill, I would give a hard look at all the doors and windows to see if they are properly sealed, or need to be upgraded. I live in a town house with many other town houses within a stones throw and the noise can be mitigated.

      5. I’m in a condo, and the unit above me has a small dog that barks at all hours of the day and night. I would gladly welcome 10 minute intervals…some perspective.

         1. some more perspective: while I generally like kids and appreciate that they are noisy, when I’m trying to work from home across the fence a little boy is practicing his ‘hiyyyaa!’-martial arts routine (pure speculation) for hours is pretty disruptive as well.

   6. If your house has older, single pane, builder grade windows, replacing those with even budget modern ones (like from Window World) make a world of difference.

      1. Could you consider a natural sound barrier? There was an article in the NYT on June 16 this year about planting tall and dense hedges around the perimeter of your yard to protect against sound and provide privacy. It sounded like a good idea if you have the space.

         I would be much more concerned about the second hand smoke that comes into your yard (and into your house?) from her regular smoking breaks. For that, I would ask her to smoke in her front yard instead. If she can’t or won’t, I would either install fans to push it back into her yard (passive aggressive I know, but her second hand smoke causes you health damage) or install HEPA filters inside your house.

         1. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/06/16/realestate/los-angeles-privacy-hedges.html?unlocked_article_code=VACJRGzhZVLxyDGoDjjN2qoHl4hLLxy8wXg88D7XOlcouYqtHZD__kcFl_B145aonfbfsnJwzcwPpfW8XHKAeKFszBI9U4I3mtW_9-sWQmzgDzgeE9E0-ZiqUwwSMj46tZ6gqyMKgiiFquzfdM2JEsdDJxXQ__Pe7yBQGYe0sJF0SGY_1YAlXCO3BMVKNGtdTY8r-LKpVuW9r45hpPbKdZiFMcWzkyhup7P3p_MXYpcYlrXfkLURPg3hEy5DMYyb0ZAHHxPKwAhFXOv2xRPLY3qntcw9nZAFRcjL2jG5rXmcOHiWt3YqEIcW6ebHlLZpSPOMXdMx73GTPD6pHXB3GPtR-0gbPxA&smid=url-share

            1. We live in a far more low-rent part of Los Angeles and planted cypress trees when we moved in (about 15 years ago) that obscure the back neighbors (who are jerks) and the side neighbors (who are quite lovely). It’s not a total wall of vegetation, but the trees are pretty high and big. Our citrus trees obscure the front yard, but the only fence we have out there is open and semi-decorative, more to keep dogs from sh_tting on our yard than keeping out prying eyes. The neighborhood is in a high gentrification mode, and while people are allowed to build solid, relatively high walls and fences, I think it’s unfriendly and unneighborly. We aren’t famous so I see no reason to go full Garbo.

         2. Wow… I would never ask my neighbor not to smoke on their own property,… and move to their front yard to do it?!? Where people are walking by all day on the street with pets, kids? The back yard is absolutely where she should be doing it.

            I mean, I think smoking is terrible, but if she really wants her neighbor tension to rise, asking this is the way.

            Clearly the neighbor is trying to kill 2 birds with one stone – fresh air and fun for dog, and her own smoking fix.

            I love the idea of planting more trees shrubs etc…

            I saw the most beautiful Tulip tree yesterday that grows well in my area and grows FAST and I am going to try to plant one by my house.

            1. I agree she has a right to smoke in her own property, though I do find it funny that people apparently find smoking too gross to do in their own homes, but still want to inflict it upon their neighbors by smoking outside. I have definitely lived in places where people smoking outside came straight into my apartment and caused terrible problems with my asthma until my lease was up and I could move. Thank god those weren’t places I owned.

            2. I think smokers are just nose blind to how far the smoke travels and how terrible it smells to those of us who don’t smoke. I live in a townhouse and my neighbor goes outside to smoke in the mornings (and sometimes other times during the day). Their porch is easily 20 feet from my house and there’s a big, dense tree between us but sometimes it wafts in my bedroom window and I have to get up to shut it because it smells so bad. I honestly don’t think it would be any better if he walked to the other side of the parking lot because cigarette smoke is just so fragrant.

            3. Smokers should not smoke where it can affect others, even on private property. They’ve caused enough cancer already. Sorry, not sorry.

            4. 12:22, scented laundry products cause migraines for me, and are also carcinogens. Should people have to switch laundry products? They do affect other people…

            5. Yes, I would LOVE for carcinogenic laundry products to be banned!!

         3. I have a relative who smokes outside, they would laugh in your face if you ‘asked’ them to not smoke in their own yard.
            We lived for a while in a townhouse and neighbors not only smoked in their yards -which were attached to ours- they also barbecued, lit incence, listened to music, ran power tools, etc.
            Living in a tightly packed neighborhood means putting up with neighbors living their lives.

         4. We live in a 25 foot lot and can sit in our living room and hear our neighbor’s 2yo crying in their house sometimes. I like living in a dense neighborhood in general but I don’t love the loss of privacy. We planted fast growing shrubs* in our backyard for a more secluded feel. I like our neighbors a lot: their older kid and mine are buddies and they are very neighborly, picking up packages when we’re on vacation and so on. I didn’t want to share *all* outdoor space with them.
            *Arbor Vitae

         5. At least it isn’t weed or vaping. Both are everywhere where I live.

      2. +1 Not quick fixes, however – I was astonished how much of a difference new windows made in soundproofing our first house. Also if your roof is nearing its end of life, that made a huge difference as well.

         Sympathies, as someone who used to work two houses from a kennel of dogs that barked A LOT. I recommend Bose over the ear headphones with soundproofing. Honestly if you can, I’d order them today.

   7. Frankly what did you expect moving to a neighborhood with such small lots? And, what do you want the neighbor to do? Sounds like she’s being very reasonable so I don’t think there’s a work around.

   8. Hahahahahah what? This is insane. If you approach your neighbor you’ll become the weird uptight jerk who feels entitled to silence with close neighbors. I beg you to not.

      1. A dense neighborhood is not ever going to be the Acela quiet car.

      2. This. Dogs bark and 10 minutes is not excessive. I am not sure where people get this idea they should never hear any pets, kids, people, etc existing. Life isn’t silent.

   9. I don’t think you do. I think the reason offices exist is so people can escape dogs barking and babies crying. Maybe look into a coworking space? Since you both WFH it sounds like you have tremendous geographic flexibility so you could move somewhere further out of the city if you wanted.

      1. This. Sorry but residential neighborhoods don’t exist so you can do office work in them. That’s why zones were created. If you choose to WFH, great, but you cannot expect the neighbors to be quiet for you.

         1. Yup. Residential spaces exist to be residential. If you want quiet you can go back to work like many of us have.

         2. +100000000000

   10. I agree that there’s nothing you can really do about this unless the barking is for hours on end, but I completely hear you that this is incredibly annoying. I’m one of those people who loves dogs but hates dog owners. They’re so damn entitled.

       1. Like parents?

          1. No, dog owners are worse since they let their dogs sh*t everywhere. They love to pretend they “forgot a bag.” I find it unbelievably selfish.

             1. Cat owners are way worse in my neighborhood. Most dog owners are responsible and pick up after their pets, but cat owners let their cats wander unattended and go wherever they want. I’ve never seen a cat owner pick up after a cat.

             2. That sucks, but I assume people in your neighborhood don’t take their cats to the hiking trails and leave bags of sh*t everywhere there too. There’s nothing like going out to enjoy the natural beauty and seeing 27 smelly, rotting bags. It’s a huge issue where I live.

             3. Cats bury, so I’m not sure how a cat owner would even find it, unless they went around digging?

             4. Cats do not bury. Source: I grew up next to a house with 4 cats that left unburied souvenirs in our flower beds all the time. And DH’s mom’s cat leave unburied souvenirs along the walking path next to their house. Cat owners love to act like cats roaming free bothers no one. They eat songbirds, mess everywhere and love to taunt dogs stuck in backyards.

          2. It’s a toss up where I live as to whether dog owners or parents are more entitled, lol…

   11. As annoying as it is, this is a cost of entry thing when you live in a tightly packed neighborhood.
       I’m not a huge fan of dogs barking either, so I understand. Unfortunately your only real solutions are to look at what you can do within your own house to minimize the noise.

   12. Your neighbor isn’t doing anything wrong.

   13. Get better windows.

5. Had my second baby 9 months ago and am just feeling very spacey and generally out of it. Is this PPD?

   Everyone has been sleeping through the night and I’ve been trying to work out 2x a week for the last 8ish weeks. Neither have done much to improve the situation.

   1. I think that’s normal for being a mom of an infant, but talk to your doctor. Also get your iron levels checked.

   2. Are you still nursing? I swear that contributed to brain fog, as did hormones and lack of sleep.

      1. +1 my brain fog didn’t lift until I weaned at 18 months. It’s definitely a thing.

      2. Stopped nursing this baby at 3 months. Agree that nursing made it worse.

   3. I’d make a PCP appt for a physical and blood work. Pregnancy/pp hormones can impact thyroid function, which can cause these symptoms (as can low iron levels, as someone mentioned). Based on the details provided it doesn’t sound like PPD.

6. Last weekend, a group of coworkers joined me for decompression time. We declared that work conversations were off limits, and we spent time wandering around the small city where I live, tasting wine, shopping and generally relaxing and enjoying one another’s company. We ate large quantities of good food, and I got to introduce my colleagues to some new hidden gems.

   It was wonderful. I’m generally an introvert, so it was a lot of people time, but I really enjoyed having the opportunity to get to know all of them better.

   They want to plan to do another weekend next quarter, so I think they liked it as well!

   1. Yay, you made friends! Because if you’re all wandering around shopping and eating and not talking about work, then you’re hanging out as friends; it’s no longer a work activity. And that’s fine; it’s great to have friends. I don’t have enough in common with my coworkers to want to hang out with them like this, but it’s great that some people are in this kind of situation.

   2. That sounds so nice! I recently followed Priya Parker on Instagram because I want to read her book The Art of Gathering but keep getting distracted by something else. This sounds like the kind of thing she’d recommend!

   3. That’s lovely!

7. After a happy summer in Birkenstocks (Francas) I’m considering getting their sneakers for fall and winter (not for work, just for the school/playground/errands life of a late 30s mom – comfort is most important, and I love the firm high arch footbed).

   Has anyone tried these before? Any feedback to share? Clogs aren’t for me, but I’ve never heard anyone talk about the sneakers. Thanks!

   1. Wardrobe Oxygen has a review for the Birkenstock sneakers. I recall it as favorable, but maybe track it down.

   2. I’ve had a pair of Birkenstock sneakers for about a year and love them. I have some issues with the arch of my foot (partially torn ligament that didn’t heal quite right) and I find them both comfortable and supportive.

   3. Just to throw this out there – after a summer spent in Birks and then the last month spent in a boot for a metatarsal stress fracture, I’m in FitFlop sneakers right now and they’re working well for all that ails me. They have pretty good built in support and a stretchy top that doesn’t press on my sore/recently broken areas.

   4. I have the sneakers and I love them. I had to go up a size in sneaker compared to Arizona sandals to have the same fit.

   5. Thank you all! Zappos here I come.

   6. Love them. On my third pair, have been wearing them for years. I buy the wide version to get enough space in the toe box.

8. I’m really struggling to lose weight and I’m exploring different options, one of which is intermittent fasting. Here’s what I don’t get—is it basically just skipping a meal so you are consuming less calories? Like skip breakfast and then eat lunch and dinner between 12-8pm for example? Is the whole point to lessen your cravings by training your body to want less food? Honest question, I really don’t get why it would be more effective than just counting calories or whatever.

   1. I’m a failed intermittent faster. I don’t get it, either. Not eating breakfast does not set me up for success later in the day.

   2. No, it’s not just skipping a meal. There’s evidence you can lose weight even while consuming the same number of calories by giving your body a longer fasting period.

   3. The only thing that worked for me was weight watchers. Late 30s fwiw. Eating less, eating healthier. I didn’t want to give up an occasional dessert or glass of wine but learned to budget for it. I lost 25lbs over 7 months.

   4. All diets are just different ways of reducing calories while minimizing the amount you get hungry while in a caloric deficit. For some people that works best by eating a lot of protein, for some people it’s by cutting fat, for some it’s by eating a lot of volume (lots of water and fiber), and for some people it’s by minimizing the amount of time they think about food (intermittent fasting). If eating isn’t an option for most of the day, it’s easier to eat less. That works for some people, not for others, probably depending a lot on their natural eating rhythms and how much of their weight gain was driven by mindless snacking.

      For what it’s worth, since I’ve switched to WFH, I’ve ended up on an inadvertent IF schedule where I mostly eat from 6 am to noon unless I have some sort of social event in the evening. I was one of those people who always spent the whole day at work or school starving and thinking about food obsessively and it has been an amazing change to just eat 3 meals in the first part of the day when I’m starving… and then I’m not hungry anymore and don’t think about food at all for the rest of the day. I think I’m just very much a morning person and I’m finally eating to match my natural circadian rhythms instead of snacking all day and then eating meals on top of that because that was what I was when I supposed to eat

   5. It has to do with glucose levels and how they react to fasting

   6. There is an article from Johns Hopkins that explains it fairly clearly (search for “science behind intermittent fasting”). It’s both that you reduce calorie intake and that you benefit from physiological impacts of putting your body into a fasted state. Some people here talk about doing IF but still eating breakfast, just a smaller one – the research on the effectiveness of IF depends on a true fasted state (only zero calorie beverages), because if you volatile calories you’re not getting the “metabolic switching” effect of fasting.

      It has been effective for me, and without producing for obsessiveness because during my eating window, I just eat normally. I’m not trying to avoid particular foods or anything like that.

      I’m currently pregnant so not doing it, but otherwise I generally fast from after dinner until I eat an early lunch at 11 or 11:30. I don’t do it on Saturdays (we have special family breakfasts), and on Sundays I end up eating earlier bc we go to brunch with the kids after mass (the adults in the house fast before communion for religious reasons, but we go to an early service).

   7. There is apparently some research showing that fasting periods change your metabolism in some way once you get past a certain threshold (12+ hours, 16+ hours, whatever), for the duration of the fast. I’m skeptical as to whether a 16 hour daily fast is enough for most people to actually see results from this biological change, though I don’t doubt that some people do (we all have different bodies with different levels of insulin resistance and other hormonal issues, so it’s always plausible that there are going to be some people for whom it works). Personally, I tried IF for maybe 3 or 4 weeks and saw zero change in the scale and was just starving by noon each day. And I’m someone who doesn’t usually eat breakfast until 10 or 10:30 anyway. It had no effect on cravings and did not train my body to want less food (again, all bodies are different and maybe that is true for some small percentage of people). Multiple weeks of miserable mornings trying to focus at work while starving and also seeing no weight change was enough to turn me off to it. I do think the main mechanism of weight loss for IF is actually that you eat fewer meals and therefore fewer calories, as you suspect. For some people, cutting out a meal means finally reaching a calorie deficit, to say nothing of cutting out the types of foods they might normally eat at breakfast that (at least in America) are often full of sugar. All that said, if you’ve never tried it, it might be worth trying for a couple weeks. Maybe you’re one of the people it works for.

      1. Did you try an earlier window? A lot of people do like 12-8 but I understand the research actually says earlier windows are better like 8-4 but they just don’t work for most schedules.

         1. It was a couple years ago, but I think so. Didn’t make a difference. 8-4 wouldn’t work for me as an eating window because I am absolutely not interested in food that early in the morning and am awake for too many hours after 4 pm for that to be a reasonable cut off. Maybe it works for those people who wake up at 5 am :)

            Frankly, most days I’m eating in a 9 or maybe 10 hour window anyway. Breakfast sometime after 10, dinner done by 7, maybe 8 sometimes. I don’t snack after dinner very often. And I’ve definitely only gained weight on that schedule, because I eat too much junk and too little good stuff. Maybe there’s some magic about 16 hours of fasting that there isn’t for 14 or 15, but again, I tried that and saw no difference. So for me IF was a bust. What did work? Whole 30. Only make it 2 weeks because nothing I ate ever made me feel full, but cutting out sugar and processed foods was effective for me. It’s just really hard for me to stick to for any length of time.

   8. I can’t speak to the science of a limited eating window. But I do know that if I eat after 8pm I’m ravenous the next morning. If I eat a balanced breakfast I’m just as hungry at lunchtime. After a few days of skipping breakfast my body gets used to it. So I can see why a defined eating window helps reduce your calorie intake.

   9. It works for me because I’m not a mindful eater in the mornings when I am rushing around deal with 3 kids and dog. I eat 11-7pm except for black coffee in the morning. ‘Closing’ the kitchen at a certain time is also helpful. For me it works because it makes me more mindful – less mindless snacking in the evenings. I don’t purposely calorie restrict but it’s a bit of a sideffect because it reduces my evening snacking.

   10. If the goal is weight loss, I would focus on what you add not what you take away. Like make sure you drink enough water, eat 2-3 veggies at each meal and get enough protein. And figure out if you work better with moderation or restriction. I binge eat if I have certain food in the house – even if it is divided into 100 calorie packs then I just eat like 6 packs. Instead I buy in an amount designed to be eaten in one sitting. Like a regular size bag of chips for movie night vs a Costco sized bag that will do 2-3 movie nights because then they are in the house all week.

       And I try to avoid drive thru. So easy to add tons of calories quickly.

   11. I have a late breakfast (10-11 am), veggie-heavy lunch (1 pm), and an early dinner (before 6 pm), so on days that I actually stick to that schedule I guess I’m IF. It hasn’t led to much or any weight loss, with two caveats. One, I’m hungry by 5 or 6 so if dinner isn’t until 7-8 then I’m going to snack. An early dinner saves the calories from the 5 pm snack BUT if I stay up late then I’m snacking at 8 pm which I think is worse. Early dinner plus early bedtime is key. Two, I sleep better when I have an early dinner and get in bed by 10 with the goal of being asleep before 11. Better sleep means I’m in a better mood, less stressed, and more likely to workout in the morning. BUT if I go to bed late and miss my morning workout, getting back on track means I won’t make up that workout in the evening because dinner is early and realistically I’m not exercising after dinner.

       So basically, I think IF could work (for me) if I were able to stick to my ideal schedule and go to bed early on a consistent basis. Unfortunate life happens and I feel like it’s so hard to get back on track when you’ve been derailed.

   12. The idea is you are not eating too much just too often. A stretch of time between meals such as dinner time to lunch next day gives your body the opportunity to burn stored calories.

   13. Sometimes it’s just not eating between the meals. The way my doctor explained it is that it gives insulin levels a chance to fall between eating, and body fat burns mainly when insulin levels are low.

9. Any tips for foot pain from achilles tendonitis and a heel spur? Sometimes it’s so painful that I’m limping by the end of the day and can’t bear weight on my foot. My PCP has referred me to a specialist, but the wait is several months. She had no suggestions other than icing and ibuprofen. I also wear supportive orthotics and don’t go barefoot.

   1. Are you on the doctor’s cancellation list? Call every morning in case of a last minute cancellation. They happen.

      I’d even try a few sessions with a physical therapist, if you can squeeze those in sooner.

   2. Can you get into PT sooner? I don’t know about the heel spur, but that really helped with my achilles issues. I’m also not sure icing did much except make it stiffer and more sore. Gentle calf stretching is absolutely essential to keeping mine under control (even 20 years later, it’s never entirely gone away, unfortunately, and is prone to flaring up if I’m inactive for too long), but you probably want to be careful about doing much more than that until you can see someone.

   3. Do you have a foot rocker stretching thing? I’ve found that it makes a huge difference if I do it at morning and night with some intensity. Also you may have luck with a sleeping sock with a splint which will keep your heel in a gentle stretch.

      1. Be careful with the splints. One of the things that consistently makes my Achilles issues worse is sitting with my feet up in such a way that they’re being stretched for an extended period of time. I’ve found that I really need to be careful to make sure to keep them in a neutral position. But YMMV.

      2. I do have one, and I use it sitting at my desk. I also have this stretching sling thing that I put on my foot and pull forward with my leg straight. That’s quite painful so I’m reluctant to try the splint. I think the tendon is super tight and cramping up.

   4. Cortisone shot?

      1. I asked my PCP for one, and sadly she couldn’t do it. I’m hoping the specialist will!

   5. Stand on a step with your toes and the balls of your feet. Let your heels drop below the level of the step. Hold for 10 to 15 seconds. Relax. Repeat.

      This is literally the exercise the podiatrist gave me yesterday. They want me to do this 5 times a day, increasing the hold time to about 60 seconds.

      1. Thank you!

   6. Get a referral for PT from your PCP while you are in the waitlist (I’m assuming you had a X-ray and that how you know it’s tendinitis/bone spur and not something else). I’d also look for an alternative specialist – I was able to get in with an NP who works for an orthopedic doctor and she was amazing.

      1. Yes, I got an x-ray that showed the heel spur. I’ll ask for a PT referral!

10. Update and thanks to all who provided input!

    I posted several weeks ago in search of hiking pants recs for curvy size 14. I had the Eddie Bauer Ascent and was rather unenthused about the way they fit, so tried the Prana Halle pants based on suggestions here. The Prana pants fit fantastically well and were my workhorse for a recent 40+ mile trip. I didn’t really think about them other than to appreciate how well they fit and that they did not have any annoying features (like the too-low rise of the EBs). The only drawback on the Pranas is that the zip pocket on the thigh is a tight fit for an iphone, so I used my vest pocket when I needed to secure that during our adventures.

    1. Try Kuhl next – my dream pants (same size as you) and they’ve held up for five years and counting with HEAVY use.

       1. My response cut off but I was trying to say an iPhone fits in the pockets!

       2. Tell me more about Kuhl. Which style are your favorite?

          1. Unfortunately, my ride or die style was discontinued (I think it was called the Strattus). I’ve been making do with my old pairs, but when it comes time to replace them, it does seem like there are a few similar styles available. I really like them because they fit perfectly in the waist and the crotch with no belt on my curvy figure, they have real pockets that zip, the knees are articulated, the length is not too long for my height, and they have held up through hiking, travel, backpacking, river rafting, and everyday use. Once I have them on, I don’t need to adjust them or do anything with them.

       3. Kuhl is a dream for us curvier types. I’m currently trying not to buy a sweater jacket that I tried on and LOVED. The Patagonia better sweaters look horrid on me. Kuhl is so flattering and comfortable. And the arms are long enough!

          1. Ugh, curvy responder her and agree with you on the Better Sweater – if you read the recent reviews for it at REI, they’re full of complaints about the redesigned skintight fit. It’s too bad because the old design was great for many body types.

11. How do I figure out what I need to do for probate for a parent who had no assets?

    My mother passed away relatively suddenly last month – she was sick but made a sudden turn for the worst. She had a couple of life insurance policies, but no estate to speak of. She owned a small house with a mortgage, leased her car, had a few credit cards. I plan to return her car to the dealer, and I know we’ll have to sell her house. The funeral home told me I need to go to the courthouse and file her death certificate with the probate court, but beyond that I have no clue what to do. My brother called a lawyer who said he needed a $3500 retainer & it would take 4 months, and I feel like this should be much easier for a person who doesn’t have savings to pass on & a house that isn’t paid off.

    Also if anyone has a lawyer recommendation in MI, I will gladly take that as well.

    1. The value of the house doesn’t make it easier or harder to probate. What does make it harder is that she didn’t put the house in a realty trust, didn’t name an executor/personal representative, and doesn’t have an inventory of accounts (bank, money market, retirement).

       Do not return the car to the dealer. The terms of the lease govern; her estate may be on the hook for the terms of the lease, and the executor will be making payments or the decision to terminate the lease early.

    2. When my mother died, the clerk’s office walked me through what I needed to do. They were great, so if you are similarly fortunate, you might be able to do this on your own.

    3. You probably don’t need to do anything if there’s no estate.

       1. There is — there is a house to sell (unless it was owned as JTWROS) and TH Dr May be some cash after that. All of the stuff in the house is technically an estate asset even if low value (but what if mom owned a Picasso or jewelry with value)? Financial accounts may also pass through probate if not by contract. You have a lot of reading to do sometimes to figure that out.

          1. +1

             I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom.

             OP, I really recommend hiring a lawyer to make sure things are done correctly. An accountant too to deal with the final tax return is recommended, to make sure that you deduct things appropriately or you may overpay. Save receipts for everything ongoing (ex. house expenses/residual medical bills) and gather a list of every asset/account/policy/social security and any other retirement payments (often there are death benefits, some refunds of medical overpayments or social security payments not yet received that cover days prior to death) and get documentation of everything and don’t do anything drastic until you see a lawyer.

             I’ve been through this twice. This is not something to crowd source online. Your time is worth money. Remember this. Messing it up also means more of your wasted time, and possibly higher financial cost.

             It is painful, and I am dealing with this right now. I literally had to document every single thing my parents own, and its value. Made me want to shoot myself in the head. It is a lot of work to gather all the appropriate documentation and deal with the issues that will trickle in over the next 1-2yrs. I wish it was easier.

    4. Given the current used car prices, you could see if buying out the lease is an option and selling the vehicle yourself if there is equity there. It would be a hassle but maybe worth it if you need money to settle the estate?

    5. My FIL was insolvent. He was in FL (we are a 4 hr plane ride away). We hired a local family law person that handled probate and, at lease in FL, estates with net worth under a certain level could be fast tracked. Fast is relative – it still took 5ish months to settle. But, we really just let the attorney handle the vast majority as far as noticing creditors, publishing the death notice in the local papers to satisfy notice requirements, etc. Her fee was a in the low $1000s… maybe $2500? I don’t recall but ultimately the bill was paid for by my MIL, who did have some assets in her name.

       Not sure if there’s a less expensive route than the retainer you’ve described, but honestly we would have paid it to have someone else just deal with the mess and for granting the peace of mind that everything was done properly.

       Very sorry for your loss. Never easy to lose anyone and then also have to handle this kidn of mess. Periodic PSA: Get your estate s h i t in order and spare your loved ones the absolute mess that is closing out your estate.

       1. In general, managing an estate is a bit easier when there is a surviving spouse. It is different when everything financially/house/car etc.. need to be dealt with.

          1. Not necessarily. It was essentially all in FIL’s name – there’s a really reasonable reason why that was and it’s not a favorable picture of MIL, but that’s another topic for another thread on another day. But car, house, bank accounts (but for a small one), credit cards all 100% in FIL’s name. MIL was an authorized user of his CC, and those rights to use terminated on his death. His casket and funeral services was put on “her” CC but then was ultimately flagged as fraud the week after the funeral when we noticed the financial institution of his death and DH and I had to put on our card until we could be repaid. I’m remembering back 6-7 years a this point but I think a sole bank account immediately turned over to MIL’s name but the rest has to be probated because it was all deliberately titled to his name and not hers, and not jointly held. Maybe the car loan transferred to her as surviving spouse, inconveniently enough.

             1. Of course it can also take a lot of work.

                But when both spouses are gone, their are additional issues. And since kids often don’t live right there and things have be dealt with for months/years (which a surviving spouse can often help with…. easier when you are living at the same address/phone number), it can be too much to try to do without hiring a lawyer and accountant as a surviving child.

                You usually don’t have to clear the whole house, sell the house, sell the car, etc…. when there is a surviving spouse. Of course, sometimes you do etc..

                We’re just trying to convince the OP not to try this on their own. Don’t you agree?

       2. We did all the estate planning, properties in trust, accounts had beneficiaries so there was no estate to probate and we still ended up having issues without probating because we had nothing declaring us executor/personal representative. The will doesn’t do so, and so when a tax issue came up from a prior year and when we tried to close her credit cards, and forward the mail, it was an issue. By the time we realized we should have done probate just to have the personal representative appointment, 5 months had already passed.

    6. If it is just a phone a friend triage, check if your EAP through work has any resources that can help out. Some company’s programs will include a free consult with a lawyer or be able to put you in touch, others will have basic resources. It’s a weird thing that most people don’t think of for the EAP.

    7. Some courts will provide limited assistance in getting through a probate. The size of the estate does not matter in the time and cost to get through probate, you still have to file the exact same documents with the court. I live in a MCOL city and $3,500 seems reasonable, and 4 months seems really fast.

    8. My condolences on your loss.

       Your mother actually does have an estate that has both assets and liabilities. I would suggest you need to hire an attorney because you need a guide through all the steps that have to be taken. Find someone you and your brother are comfortable with, because this won’t be a short process. You don’t mention a will; did your mother have one? You will need to figure out the answer to that question now, since it will be one of the first questions everyone asks you.

       I have no recommendations for Michigan, but the Michigan State Bar has a Directory that will let you locate attorneys that are in a convenient location: https://lrs.michbar.org/Find-a-Lawyer

       1. If it makes you feel any better, I am an attorney and was the executor of my deceased parent’s estate, which consisted only of a bank account-no real property or vehicles. I hired an estate lawyer to do the work! I don’t practice in this area and did not want to make any mistakes, including proper notification to beneficiaries, payment of all outstanding debts of the estate etc. I did not total up the cost (in upstate NY) but I think it was around $3000. I did some of the work myself to gather documents and bills to minimize the time but even if I had not done that, most of that work was done by a paralegal at a lower billing rate.

    9. Thank you everyone for your help – this is very helpful.
       My mother didn’t have a will, the most she did in terms of planning was having 2 insurance policies and she made me a joint owner on her bank account. Everything else was in her name only. I also the oldest of 4, I live out of state, and my parents were divorced. A lawyer is probably the best way to do all of this.

       1. My only other advice: gather up all the documents and information you can. Property address, mortgage (should be available online); mother’s SSN, death certificate; sibling names, addresses, DOB; car lease and VIN; bank account statements; credit cards.

       2. Sorry for your loss.

          I don’t know which area of Michigan, but I’ve referred several friends and family to Sydney Parfet at Howell Parfet Schau in Kalamazoo. They’ve all been satisfied with her.

          1. If you or your mom’s estate are not in Kalamazoo, this attorney can probably provide a recommendation in your area. Good luck!

    10. When you say no assets, do you mean her debts outweigh the asset she had? Did she owe more on the house than it is worth?

        Because there is no obligation to do anything if debts outweigh assets (at least in my state). There might be issues with creditors if you take money out of the joint bank account, but otherwise, you could just walk away and let the bank take the house and the leasing company take the car and any creditors try to collect against the estate.

        This is what we did when my uncle died without a will and with debts that substantially outweighed his assets. Nobody in the family was inclined to front the money for an attorney or wanted to deal with the hassle. He did not have anything anyone wanted in terms of material possessions (although I think one of my aunts went to his house and collected a few family mementos like photographs that had no monetary value). Otherwise we let his creditors and landlord handle it.

        If there are assets or you hate loose ends, $3500 and four months is not unreasonable.

        I am vey sorry for your loss and that you are dealing with this on top of everything else.

    11. I’m a trusts & estates lawyer and 100% you need a lawyer to guide you through the process and make sure everything is done correctly.

12. I need to go to Sephora for this bit any recommendations for a foundation or a BB or CC cream for oily skin with rosacea and breakouts, uneven skin texture, wrinkles, and hyperpigmentation from old breakouts? FWIW, I’m 53 and still living with bad teen skin. Dermatologist has been helpful, as have lasers, but I want to be a bit more polished for some work meetings and a new headshot.

    1. My fave light foundation/tinted moisturizer is Smashbox Halo. They don’t sell it at Sephora, but do at Ulta if you have one of those. They have 41 shades in the full-size and 20 shades in a trial size.

    2. IT cosmetics has a good CC cream in oil free matte that I have used in the past and really like.
       https://www.sephora.com/product/your-skin-but-better-cc-oil-free-matte-with-spf-40-P433435?skuId=2088276&icid2=products%20grid:p433435:product

       1. Meant to add that I am 51 and have also dealt with hormonal breakout a lot in recent years due to menopause.

    3. I have really been loving nars light reflecting foundation. It’s expensive, but armani luminous silk is my favorite for when i am getting photographed. My suggestion would be to ask for a couple samples, and see how they wear.

    4. Not a BB or CC, but a very lightweight foundation: the Fenty foundation that comes in the sort of teardrop shaped bottle (sorry, forget what it’s called). Sold at Sephora and comes in a million shades.

    5. I have rosacea and skin texture, slightly oily skin – I’ve been using the Dr Jart + Premium BB Tinted Moisturizer. I apply with a brush for a even and light coverage. I do follow with some concealer under eyes and around my nose. I set with a loose powder, that works best for my skin and extends the wear time.

13. When you’re being acquired and you’re in a seat that you think is redundant and a layoff is probable, if not expected, is it reasonable to expect your benefits to remain unchanged until the closing is final? Specifically inquiring about parental leave, tbh.

    Also, when do layoff discussions and severance talks typically occur, post closing?

    1. I do a ton of M&A work, and yes, it is absolutely reasonable to expect your benefits to remain unchanged until the closing is final. In fact, it is typical that benefits remain the same for a while after closing because is is a lot of work to change benefits and/or add newly acquired employees to existing plans.

       Relating to things like parental leave, if the benefit is going to be less under the new company, often (but not always) employees with the greater benefit get grandfathered in – e.g. if you are on leave when benefits change. But in my experience companies try to offer the better of the two company’s programs, so you might see things stay the same or get better.

       Layoff and severance talks typically occur in the first month or so after closing. It is best practice to get employees either locked down to stay, or a transition plan and/or retention bonus for employees leaving.

       1. Thanks. To answer a few q’s this is not about me, but about DH. I’m due in November. It’s a public/public acquisition, though companies on a relative basis. It’s a 1+1=3 play but there are definite redundancies in his group (think HR, marketing, ops, etc).

          He currently has great leave given tenure and accruals, though a lot of it’s state driven, which would carry over to new company. NewCo is known for good work/life, but haven’t seen any finer details yet. Deal would close a solid month, likely more, after baby arrives as they’re currently vaguely saying 1Q24. Really we just want him to keep his job through birth (which will presumably happen) and ideally through Jan 1 or so so he can take the same amount of parental leave we had intended, and use some banked sick time, etc. Honestly he could have been off through February or early March with the full support of current company (we were legit doing this math last night). But, we’re also now wondering if taking extended parental leave, despite it being his to take technically, is the right tack if he should have facetime and try to be present to see if he’d be retained.

          In any event, not our first acquisition rodeo, but the prior one was nuanced and different and a job wasn’t on the line. Resume is already being updated and job hunting will commence soon. Just trying to be pragmatic, all things considered.

          1. Anon at 11:50 here; based on these circumstances, I would plan to take the leave he is entitled to/wants to take. Things should not change by the time you have the baby and he takes leave, as it is very soon. As your husband starts to get more info, you can change plans if necessary, but most likely won’t have to.

          2. Meant to say, “though both companies are small on a relative basis”

    2. I work in corporate strategy which means M&A sourcing, planning, and integration. The answer unfortunately is “it depends.”

       Generally, your benefits won’t change until after the close and likely not until the next fiscal year anyway. It’s a lot to unwind. If they are closing Q4 of this year you are likely keeping your insurance etc through 2024.

       Re layofffs, there will be some level of “synergy” planning before the close. This will depend on the purpose of the acquisition. If it’s a growth (1+1=3!) play, they will focus first on executing that and worry about redundancies later. If it’s a consolidation of the market/cost takeout play (you’re expensive and unprofitable; come be part of us and use our infrastructure and your margins will be better!), there will be more cost take-out planning. If you are obviously redundant and fairly senior, you will likely get a package.

       If you are important and redundant, they may give you an incentive to stick around. Usually that’s 6-12-18 months.

    3. Not reasonable, if your job goes away so do your leave benefits. The answer to your timing questions is it varies. Personally, I wouldn’t rely on severance getting me through a job search and I’d look now. If you’re not expecting yet, I’d hold off if you can.

    4. Do you mean you plan to start taking parental leave or are at the end of your parental leave? Because you can be laid off while at the start of or in the middle of your leave if its part of a larger reorganization. Plenty of Facebook employees found themselves laid off in that manner in the past year or two.

    5. Public company or private?

       1. Public to public. Both smaller / good names in the local city/state but smaller on a relative scale.

14. Squirrel help. A very chonky gray squirrel moved into an ivy covered tree in our yard a few weeks ago. There were a ton of songbirds nesting in the tree and they all seem to have left now. I’m not sure if it’s because of the squirrel or if their babies are just big enough to fly by this time of year. I believe there may still be a hummingbird nest in the tree, the hummingbirds have been pretty agitated and will swoop at the squirrel if they see it. Usually I see the squirrel hopping along our fence being completely fearless; it will stare you down if it notices you looking at it. It didn’t seem to be collecting nuts, unlike the chipmunk who lives under our AC unit and has a good hoard. I hadn’t seen the squirrel for a little while so I thought it might have moved on especially given its lack of preparation for winter.

    Yesterday I saw the squirrel looking very upset. It was skinny, moving gingerly, and its side looked wet, though it didn’t leave blood marks on the patio where it was crawling so I don’t think it was bleeding. It drank a lot of water and was peering out over the yard like it was looking for something. I thought maybe it had gotten dropped by a hawk; the eagles around us are too big to bother with squirrels, they go after the bunnies, but the hawks and falcons are too small for such a big squirrel. Doesn’t stop them from trying, but they drop the poor thing. Anyway, when the squirrel climbed our fence I noticed it had swollen teats, which means she likely had babies in the tree, which might explain why she’s a little bedraggled. She was also very itchy. DH thinks it’s her winter coat coming in, I think it’s probably fleas.

    This morning, I caught a glimpse of her moving one of her babies, but I couldn’t see where she took it. I looked at the security camera and saw her move 2 more babies but again she took them just off camera. We looked around the outside of the house but couldn’t find them. Our lawn service is coming and I’m worried the squirrel may have hidden her babies in tall grasses that would get mowed. I gave the lawn service a heads up and asked them to stay away from that area, but I’m still worried. Is there anything I can do for mama squirrel and family?

    1. Nope. It is a wild animal.

    2. As someone who has been a godmother to multiple ducklings birthed in my backyard – and as someone who has also watched raccoons destroy nests – I do not think that you can do anything. Nature finds a way or it doesn’t. I know exactly how you feel, and it’s really hard! But I don’t think you have any real options that would actually help in the long term. I’m sorry and I’m sending good vibes to mama squirrel!

    3. Don’t worry. Mama knows very very well where to hide her babies so they don’t get bothered by lawn service or humans. No danger there.

       What I would be more concerned about is whether you have any nooks/crannies in your house/basement/garage that are accessible to the outside. Mama loves to go indoors to have babies.

       How do I know?

       Mamma squirrel once ate her way through the plastic side barriers of a window air conditioner that was sealed into a window in a relative’s house. It was a back bedroom, no longer used, that had not been entered for months. We only discovered the invasion when a neighbor saw the squirrel entering the house via the hole in the window. Mama gave birth in a nest she had created in a cardboard box filled with paper files that she had shredded. Let me tell you, the final encounter with Mama defending her 6 babies was one for the movies. She ultimately carried them out of the house, one by one, by the scruff of their necks, jumping from rooftop to rooftop. The babies high pitched screams were a bit terrifying.

       The entire room was sterilized of course, and neighbors suggested we move out immediately.

       1. +1 you do NOT want squirrels in your home. They are super destructive and bizarrely loud. In college I lived on the top floor and had a top bunk. We had a whole family of squirrels directly above us that facilities tried in vain to trap. They sounded like Donald Duck mid-rage and they started every morning at around 5 am.

    4. If you’re really worried about it, I’d just ask the lawn service to skip your backyard this week (assuming it’s the back and won’t be that noticeable?).

       Also, squirrels do eat bird eggs and baby birds, but the birds probably just moved on because nesting season is well over by now and many birds are into migration already, or have at least moved away from their nesting areas.

    5. Trying to help will actually make things worse. The best thing you can do is leave them alone.

    6. You are way too invested if you think you can tell when this squirrel looks upset.

15. My toxic ex-boss is leaving the company (!!!). I’m pretty sure it is, in part, due to certain things I documented and shared with HR.

    I’ve been asked to come to her farewell HH. They are also doing some sendoff after a department meeting next week.

    OK for me to venmo another HH attendee for a round “on me”? I’d prefer to skip the HH because this ex-boss was awful to me. While they were terrible in many, heck MOST ways, I did learn a lot a from them.

    Also my plan for the in-office sendoff: smile and leave as soon as possible – anything I’m missing?

    1. I don’t know that I’d even Venmo (unless that is standard and could create issues if you don’t) … if you’re not sad to see them go, I’d just make up a conflict.

       1. +1

          This.

       2. this. Between this person being toxic and not gifting up, I don’t understand why you are considering doing this?

    2. I’d just skip it and have “other plans” that night. No Venmo, no reasons.

       1. +1. Definitely no Venmo, that sounds awkward to all involved (really highlights you aren’t there (which honestly, you probably shouldn’t be! But no reason to highlight it)), and potentially creates an awkward situation for the coworker in between (ie they have to be on the vigilant lookout for when honoree needs another drink, make a whole statement about it really being from you, etc.)

    3. For the happy hour – Oh no! I have a terrible premonition that on the exact day and time of the happy hour you are going to come down with some mild-but-potentially-troublesome respiratory illness symptoms – is it Covid? Is it strep throat? Is it a mild case of allergies you will be completely over the next day after you get some Claritin? Dunno, but you better stay away from the gathering! Don’t want to get anyone sick!

       Absolutely fine to Venmo someone so they can buy a round of drinks on your behalf. I am not sure that’s even totally necessary, but it’s a nice gesture.

       As for the in-office thing – yes, attend, smile and nod, have some punch or a couple bites of cake, and after 15 minutes say – “oh man I am gonna be late for that call!” and dip. No one will think a thing about it, most likely. This is exactly how I handled the departure of a toxic coworker and it worked just fine.

    4. Definitely send some $$$ for a round ‘on you’! Your plan sounds perfect.

       Careful posting about your bad boss here though, someone will accuse you of being the problem.

       1. Major eye roll at your second sentence.

    5. Departmental sendoff: join, grab a bite to eat, and go back to your desk. Assuming there will be more than 10 or 15 people there, you can just melt into the crowd. Don’t approach or talk to toxic ex-boss unless she approaches you or it is somehow completely unavoidable.
       HH: don’t go, don’t send money. Have a conflict (now is a great time to make plans with that friend you haven’t seen in awhile, or schedule your car’s routine brake service or whatever). If anybody asks, you’re sorry to miss it but you have plans already.
       FWIW, just because you learned a lot from her doesn’t mean you owe her anything. I had a toxic ex project manager who taught me some great things about client management, but I studiously avoided her between when her layoff was announced and when she left. She was a back stabber and no doubt my comments to her manager about her behavior played a role in her being included in that layoff round.

    6. Do not sent venmo. If anything it highlights your absence. Presumably a HH like this is being picked up by someone else, maybe even the company, any how?

16. All, I’m yesterday’s polygraph poster. Thank you all for the information and comments regarding how to get out. I know deep down that it won’t get any better. I just need to come to terms with the fact that it will be difficult. I would be so happy in a small place of my own. I just need to get past the idea that it won’t feel like “home” to the kids for quite some time. I know what they see/have seen over the years is not healthy, but it is just so hard to take the leap. I have a decent job, but not much more than that at this point. Thanks again. It does help to read your comments and know that others have been through this.

    1. Well done. You can do it.

       And actually… you have a lot.

       You are smart.
       You are healthy.
       You have a decent job. And because you are smart and healthy, that can grow if you want it to.
       You have 3 great kids. And I bet they are smart and healthy and love you.
       Your kids are also older now, and are more resilient than you realize. They may even understand.
       You have made a decision that will change your life for the better and make you a happier person.

       I hope you can soon bring a friend/family/lawyer into your fold to start supporting you.
       And we are here for you too.

    2. Your kids will be at home wherever they are loved and cared for.

       Back in the ’80s, my grandparents rented a 2 bedroom apartment while they were having a house built. Let me tell you, I have much more fond memories of that place than I do of my father’s 4,500 sq ft, $1.5M house, where I was treated like absolute garbage. The former is a home – where I learned about how families should be. The latter was a very luxurious hellhole.

       1. That’s a great story! Home is what you make of it. OP, as a child of divorce where there was also DV, I was so grateful when my mom finally left when I was in HS. Kids know what’s going on and hear the fighting and controlling behaviors even if you think it’s all behind closed doors. You mentioned 2 of your kids are in college, I believe, so “home” is in flux for them anyway as they launch their lives as independent adults. You’re being a strong mom by modeling to them that abuse isn’t acceptable.

       2. I lived in my grandparents two bedroom house when I was a teenager, along with my grandparents, my uncle, his newly married wife, and my elderly, hard of hearing great grandfather. I studied for my tough high school classes in that house that was right behind a non-soundproofed movie theater, so I could hear it all day and night long. Friends and distant relatives dropped in and out all day long, and everybody was offered a meal. There was music on the radio and people listened to you and remembered what you had told them before. It was the best home and I have fond memories of growing up there with my loving grandparents.

    3. You might be surprised by how much better it feels for your kids to be with you in a place where they can tell you are more comfortable and happy. Home is each other!

       Wishing you the best – keep us posted.

    4. I really encourage you to google your local city/county DV program. You’re experiencing a lot of controlling behavior. They will have resources to safety plan and figure out how to get out. They can connect you to low bono or pro bono legal help.

       Remember he may be monitoring your computer/cell phone. Look at your work, a friend’s, or a public library.

       You’re not alone!

    5. I went through a divorce over 5 years ago and I was so concerned that it would be so… embarrassing to admit to my broader circle that my marriage had failed. But instead, people were incredibly understanding and supportive. People offered all sorts of help, and I learned to accept it. It was the second best thing I ever did (first being having my kid, who is doing great!).

       FWIW, I am now happily remarried and am thankful every day that not only do I have a partner with whom I have a loving relationship, but that my kid gets to see that as a model for her future relationships. I cannot believe that I let myself be so miserable for so long.

       Good luck, we’re all rooting for you!

       1. +1…are you me? I was also ashamed to tell people when I divorced. Now I’m remarried to a partner who respects and nourishes me. Looking back to 7 years ago when I asked him to leave, I wish I had done it sooner. I actually had to pay my ex’s first/last/deposit for a new apartment to get him out. I was totally broke, but it was the best money I ever spent.

    6. If you went to visit one of your children in 20 years and found out their spouse was acting like yours is, you’d want them to leave. They are learning what is and isn’t acceptable in a marriage from you. Good luck.

    7. If it helps, are there small steps you can do that are less overwhelming — not taking the full leap all at once, just getting yourself more info about what your options are.

       Here are some ideas — just pick one to start with, you don’t need to tackle everything all at once, and you don’t have to act on what you learn immediately

       – call a DV # and get some info about local resources available to you
       – go to the library and find 3 names of lawyers you /could/ call, when you’re ready to
       – spend 15 minutes at lunch at work looking up apartment listings online

    8. You can do it! Future you is so proud of the hard decisions you’re making today to create a better future for you and your kids!

       There’s never going to be a perfect time. Get your ducks in a row as best you can, but at some point you’re just going to leave and then figure out the rest as you go. I left a bad marriage 18 years ago this month, and everything was better (not easier, but better) the moment I stepped out the door. I can’t imagine where I’d be today if I hadn’t left then. I’m now 13 years and two kids into a better marriage where I’m role modeling for my kids what a healthy and mutually respectful relationship looks like.

       We’re all rooting for you and can’t wait to support you on your journey ahead.

    9. I just helped my friend leave an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who sounds a lot like your husband. My friend had two small kids and was moving from a big house with the kid’s dad to a tiny one-bedroom apartment. She had some of the same concerns about uprooting the kids and them not having all their toys and their own rooms and missing their dad. But literally two weeks TWO WEEKS after she left, the oldest kid’s teacher sent a note home saying basically “We’ve seen a big difference in [kid] recently. He’s more engaged, happier and getting along better with the other kids.”

       Both you and the kids will be better off when you leave, even if it doesn’t seem that way now. Rooting for you.

       1. What a great story!!!

    10. Your calm and loving presence will make your new apartment feel like a home. Cozy dinners, good night hugs, and a relaxed atmosphere will make it a home. You can do this! Get help, know you are being monitored, and create a plan.

    11. You also have self-respect.

        As others have said, kids will associate feeling welcome and loved as “home” — you can do it!

    12. If your kids had spouses who treated them like your husband treats you, how would you feel and what would you do?

    13. Throwing one more thing out there:

        He has access to all the finances and you don’t. He’s accusing you of cheating, which may well mean that he himself is cheating.

        I’m worried that he’s spending substantial amounts of money on an affair – giving her cash, paying for “sugar babies” (before you flame, it is what they call themselves), paying for an apartment.

        Talk to an attorney for a plan of attack for you figuring out where the money is or has gone.

    14. Oh my goodness, I’m so glad to hear from you! I’m the poster who said that this entire community of smart women is behind you, even if they’re quiet.

        You were heavily on my heart last night, and you were the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. That’s very unusual for me – I have a terrible memory and tons of stuff going on, ha. I’m deeply religious, and my tradition says that if something or someone keeps returning to you, it’s God telling you to pray for that person, so you’ve have repeated devoted prayers last night and throughout today. If you’re not religious, think of them as good thoughts to the universe.

        Please keep coming back and updating us. If you need a public place to research or make phone calls, visit your local library. A quiet word whispered to a librarian and I’m sure they’d find you a little office you could duck into with one of their landlines.

    15. I’m rooting for you, your kids, and your new start as a healthy, happy unit.

        FWIW I grew up in a small two bedroom home from ages 6-17 where plenty of time was spent sleeping on floors to accommodate the various family members that would stay with us for months or years at a time. There were good times, there were tough times, and there were even a few scary, dark times…but looking back now, I just remember a lot of love and laughs.

    16. this internet stranger sends you all her love and support

    17. I’m so glad you’re taking everyone’s words to heart! One more idea: change where your paycheck is being deposited, immediately. Tell him there’s a problem with processing and you’re so mad.

    18. You mentioned yesterday that he’s the only one with the code to the safe where your documents are stored. Can you tell him that HR at work is doing a one-time reverification of employment documents for all staff, and you need to take all your ID documents in to work? That will get them out of the safe and into your possession. If he gives you the third degree, tell him that they discovered that an employee in some other branch was found to have presented false documents after the fact and now they’re being paranoid (if you don’t work at a big enough company where this is plausible, tell him it’s about another company in your industry).

        Also, you need to confide in friends and family. Given what you’ve posted, it seems likely that he’s alienated you from people, but I 100% guarantee that if you reach out to a handful of people you will have people who are willing to help you, no questions asked. This is of course in addition to any and all local DV resources.

        1. Alternately, if the safe is your standard issue home safe that fits a few documents, take a day off from work and call a safecracker. “We lost the combination” and they will have it open within minutes.

    19. I am rooting for you!
        I was 15 when my mother left my abusive father and told me he was accusing her of cheating and was beating her. I was a little shocked at first, but I soon realized that my mother was doing what was best for both of us, because I could feel something was off and his behavior was not normal. Btw, the one who was cheating was my father and he drained all the family assets. Even with a lifestyle change, I never resented my mother and I could feel how much happier we were because we were FREE.
        You can do this!!!!!

17. I am looking for an easy application lip product that will stay on my lips and provide some color and moisture for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. Right now I like the Merit Beauty lip oil but it doesn’t last very long. I find lipstick too drying and hard to slap on at my desk throughout the day. Thanks!

    1. How about a tinted lip balm that’s more like a chapstick formula? I see the Burt’s Bees’ versions in drug stores all the time, and I had a fancier one from Fresh that I liked.

       1. Thanks! I might try them both!

       2. I have extremely dry, peeling lips and many brands of lipstick make this worse (full on peeling the next day).
          Fresh is wonderful. I have tried three of their shades, some are more subtle than others, one is an orangey bright red, and am currently using a darker pink which comes out as a very slight tint on my lips with a ton of moisture. Highly recommend!
          I also used to like a brand called Bite Beauty which had all FDA approved (food grade) ingredients which is now sadly out of business.

    2. Ooh ooh! Burt’s Bees lip shimmer. I never got the squeezy tinted balm to work the way I wanted it to, but the lip shimmer in Rhubarb is perfect for me. A little color and moisture and lasts all day. It’s wonderful.

       1. Great tip, thanks – I think I used this when I was younger in a darker shade and it was a little too heavy handed for me so I’ll try this shade instead.

    3. My lips get dry and chapped even thinking about wearing lipstick, so I hear you. The only thing I have found that works for me is Dior Addict Lip Balm. A bit of color, shine and doesn’t dry my lips out.

       1. Thanks! How often do you have to reapply?

    4. Neutrogena moisture smooth color stick is my fave. Plum perfect is my fall/winter shade but I picked up the shade pink over the summer and it has been surprisingly useful.

    5. Oh gosh, I know this is late, but I LOVE this product. I have back-up tubes of my favorite color, Glide n Slide, stashed in the closet.

       https://www.ulta.com/p/dew-glow-lip-hydrator-pimprod2038615?sku=2610131

    6. I like the NYX butter gloss for the use case you are describing. It’s moisturizing, tastes and smells ok, and fades gradually, looking natural the entire time. (I do rub it into my lips with a finger after I apply so I don’t end up with that thick layer look.)

    7. Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Sheer Tinted Lip Balm.

18. Going to Las Vegas for a girls’ trip next month.

    I get in Thursday AM, and no one else gets in until the early evening. How should I spend the day? My hope is I can check-in early, nap, workout, but also open to a mini-adventure like a day hike or something nearby.

    1. Spa or poolside hang out. Or both.

    2. Hoover Dam?

    3. I would drive out to the desert because I love that area.

       1. Definitely this. October in the Las Vegas area is so nice. And you’ll probably spend the rest of the trip more cooped up with other people around. I know I would appreciate some alone time in nature. I’d drive through Valley of Fire and stop for a picnic at the White Domes area, maybe hike from the trailhead there if I feel like it.

    4. Will you have a car? I enjoyed the drive through Red Rock Canyon. There are opportunities for hikes throughout.

19. We are having a family over next Friday for dinner/drinks/s’mores kids play while parents hang. I think we are eating outside unless the weather stinks. Kids are 5-11 so can eat adult food without issue though nobody ever said no to a pig in a blanket! ;)

    I need inspiration for food! Ideally make-head or quick to assemble because we will all have kids coming right from soccer practice where myself and the dad of the other family both coach. No specific dietary restrictions other than some generic kid pickiness in the group. Would love something fall-ish and fun.

    1. Crockpot chili with Fritos and cheese to make Frito pie. You can also do pigs in a blanket as an appetizer/for the pickier kids.

       1. Oh my goodness….. a good chili with fritos is so so lovely. I didn’t realize this was what “Frito pie” is, which I would have dismissed before.

          I got those extra large frito like corn chips that Trader Joe’s sells and ate some with my homemade chili once and it was a revelation….

    2. Chili is the answer! Maybe some baked potatoes so the pickier kids can just eat potatoes with cheese on them, and the adults/hungrier kids can load said potatoes up with chili.

       Or maybe some kind of hearty pasta dish – I have fond memories of high school cross-country spaghetti feeds the day before meets. You could do sauce in crockpot, throw together a Caesar salad kit, and have extra noodles to serve plain/buttered if necessary.

       1. Coming back because I had another idea – breakfast for dinner?? Some kind of pumpkiny sheet pan pancake situation, a big frittata (you can do this in the Instant Pot – Melissa Clark has some recipes), sausage or bacon…

    3. I like ham and cheese sliders. I use the recipe from Everyday Annie, except I reduce the amount of butter and no poppy seeds.

    4. -Big baked mac and cheese (prep ahead of time so all you have to do is throw it in the oven for a bit). Add a veggie side.
       -Burgers and dogs on the grill. Add some veggie or fruit sides.
       -Marinated chicken on the grill. Add some veggie or fruit sides.
       -Crockpot chili.
       -Taco bar! You can make salsa chicken in the crockpot or brown some ground beef ahead of time and reheat. Prep all the other toppings ahead of time and just pull them out of the fridge.

    5. Baked potato bar? Easy to prep most of the toppings ahead, then you just need simmering chili.

20. has anyone ruined their metabolism through heavy drinking, like trying to save half of your daily calories for booze? i’ve stopped drinking for 2 months now and have been eating below my regular calories (13-1400 instead of 1900ish) and the scale isn’t moving at all.

    1. Eating below your regular calories isn’t going to help get your metabolism back on track.

    2. Good for you for making this huge change.

       I recommend one thing…. only once I started doing a little bit of activity/exercise, did I start gaining back a little more muscle, and then things started to improve metabolism wise. I just started (infrequent) yoga/pilates and added just a few minutes a few times a week (class maybe once a week… rarely twice). My muscle tone improved a lot

       The nice thing is that this sort of exercise is also very relaxing for me, and doesn’t feel like typical exercise (which I hate….). In some ways, it may help relieve some of what alcohol was doing for you…. decreasing anxiety/stress/whatever…..

       I worry quite a bit about your nutrition though, if you have been eating so poorly for so long. And allowing yourself so few calories means you probably aren’t getting enough protein to build muscle even if you wanted to. I would start taking a once a day multivitamin, as I worry about your B vitamins, folate etc.. and see your primary care doctor for a physical. You could also ask for a visit to get advice from a nutritionist.

    3. Were you slowly gaining weight while drinking? 1300-1400 calories might be your maintenance level, not your weight loss level. Are you on a weird sleep schedule due to your drinking habits? Make sure you’re getting 7-8 hours of quality sleep at the same time every day, including weekends. If you’re relying on “diet” foods with artificial sweeteners those can lead to more cravings. Make sure you follow traditional weight loss guidelines (strengthening exercises, more protein and fiber than carbs, adequate hydration and sleep).

       1. Are you seriously comfortable suggesting to a stranger on the internet she should be eating less than 1300 calories a day?

          1. Depending on your height, age, and activity level your calorie needs really could be that low. If OP is 5’10” and thirty years old probably not but if OP is 5’0” and menopausal sadly it could be realistic. Yes this came from a doctor.

             1. your doctor sucks

             2. Idk, this checks out to me. Signed, a 6’0” woman who is 31 and burns an average of 2000 to 2200 calories a day. I can imagine for someone older and much shorter, if they actually want to lose weight they need significantly fewer calories than I do! And I am not inactive.

    4. I could never lose weight eating so few calories. Anything below about 1800 calories a day shuts down my metabolism. I can only lose weight if I am eating enough calories but not too many, walking a few miles a day, not drinking alcohol or eating a lot of restaurant or processed foods, sleeping 8 hours a night, and off hormonal BC.

    5. You can (and I have) mess up a lot of things through long term heavy drinking, but I have not seen people permanently ruin their metabolism. First things first — stopping drinking should likely be your #1 priority, even if you find yourself substituting with sugar for awhile (this is very common). Second — stopping drinking is just the beginning, and you likely need to be doing a program of active recovery to really get your mind and body back on a sustainable healthy track. It’s easy to get frustrated early, but baby steps are key, and it just gets better and better the long you are in recovery. In terms of what might be a still be a little messed physically, you have likely been quite low on B vitamins for a long time, so I’d start by supplementing with those. Your digestive system probably is a little wonky, but this isn’t permanent. Are you snacking more at night as a substitute for drinking? You might also just be kind of bloated as your body tries to heal — fiber, exercise (walking and weight lifting specifically), water, really prioritizing an early bedtime will all help.

    6. For me it took 6 months before I saw any weight loss although I saw an improvement in my waistline after maybe 3.

    7. I quit drinking (6-8 IPAs per day) 4 years ago and didn’t lose weight or have any sort of externally visible glow-up. BUT, my life is better in many ways that aren’t visible to an outsider. When I drank, I didn’t particularly count calories or anything like that – I still don’t. Heaven knows ice cream was clutch for getting through a few early days.
       Just because the internet is full of people who dropped a ton of weight by cutting booze doesn’t mean you will.

    8. You may have damaged you metabolism by undereating while boozing, if you geniunely had half of 1900 by food and then booze.

       You may have more luck focusing on getting your body out of starvation mode by eating well, rather than prolonging the starvation, if you want to recalibrate your metabolism.

    9. OP – thanks for all this. Should add that I have always done strength training, and have been increasing my steps with 3 40-minute walks per week. Also on a GLP1 for 5 weeks (I have 50+ pounds to lose). Drank 10-20 drinks per week, probably with an average of 14, (with a 3-oz cocktail counting as 2 drinks) for 15 years. I mostly maintained on 1800-1900 calories average (with some days at 1400 and others at 2400), and then would hit a bad 2-6 weeks with lots more drinking and no attention to food and calories would easily average 2300+ — that was usually when I’d gain.)

       Kind of figured the weight would just come off but maybe the added exercise and GLP zero appetite were just too much for my body. On some days with the drug I’m barely more than 800 calories. Going to try a few weeks at 1600 and see how I do. I quit the sauce before I started the GLP and was already pretty determined to change, but the GLP has totally killed the pavlovian 5:00 let’s get martinis thing.

       1. Wishing you lots of luck. You are doing two very hard things right now!

          It’s a little late for this, but I’m wondering if it would have been a better idea to give your body a little more time between quitting drinking and starting the GLP1 inhibitor. Alcohol (especially in the amounts you describe) is really rough on the body and specifically the digestive system, and GLP1 inhibitors are also very hard on the digestive system. Or at least most of the side effects seem to be related to digestion, which leads me to that conclusion. Your body may need more of a readjustment period than either you or your doctor considered. Obviously there could have been other factors in your decision to start the drug when you did, so feel free to ignore this second guessing from an internet stranger if that’s the case. FWIW I don’t think your exercise sounds at all excessive (it sounds quite moderate, actually).

          I recently watched a couple videos on YouTube by Abbey Sharp, who talks through the effects of Ozempic with a friend who is taking it. The friend had very minimal weight loss at 5 weeks in, and she made it sound like that was to be expected because she was still ramping up the dose. Might be helpful to watch if you want some anecdata on symptom and weight loss expectations for the coming weeks and months.

    10. I quit drinking 100% about 6 years ago and it took some time for the overall body “recomp”–the bloating and overall negative stuff to go away. I have pictures of me just 90 days in where it looks like nothing’s changed. Typically on a reduced calorie diet, the scale is moving .5-1 pounds *a week* so the most you’d be looking at is 4-8 pounds and that’s with no water weight or retention. I would say it’s not so much “ruined metabolism” as it is just going to take time to get back onto a regular schedule with water retention and using calories efficiently.

21. Just need to rant about this. Turning 54 later this month, but I’m still getting periods. WHY???? I thought I’d be done with this by now. I started at age 9, so that’s 45 years and counting…

    1. I know it’s annoying, but it’s really a good thing to have late menopause and more years getting periods! It decreases the risk of osteoporosis, heart disease and dementia, among other health problems. I’m in perimenopause at 38 and very jealous.

       1. +1

          I’m 42 and hate when my periods get wonky (even if that means two light days).

    2. Hate to break it to you, but I didn’t stop for good until I was 60. Had a few multi-month “dry” stretches (including one that went for just over 11 months), but for some of us, our bodies don’t get the “I’m done” memo.

       1. Oh wow, that 11-month gap seems unfair! I know objectively that it’s a sign of good health, but I’m just so over it. Especially because they have been unpredictable for about 3 years now. Perimenopause seriously blows.

    3. I am on HRT and got to have a period and a 50-something birthday last month.

    4. I am 51 and have HAD it with my regular periods.

    5. Age 55 and yes, still periods. If you are on HRT that can trigger bleeding that isn’t technically a period but practically speaking is just like one!

22. I had a blouse very similar to this one in 1980. I wore it with some pants that were just as high-waisted too… I thought I was very stylish, even for an eleven-year-old.

    1. Mine had a very subtle metallic thread running through one of the stripes, and I thought it was hot stuff.

       1. Yes to the metallic thread! SO cool.

    2. I had one in 1982, it was a hand-me-down from a neighbor. I thought it was the best, and yep, wore it with high waisted pants, lol.

    3. I think I wore mine with corduroy knickers in 1982.

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