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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Hello, gorgeous! This blouse from White House Black Market is so pretty I can hardly stand it. The silk-blend fabric looks luxurious, and the pattern is so sophisticated. I will note that the sleeves look a bit sheer, so this is a know-your-office situation, but I’d feel pretty comfortable pairing this with a pair of gray trousers in most of the business casual places I’ve worked. If you’re concerned, you could certainly wear it under a sweater blazer for a beautifully layered look.
The blouse is $130 at White House Black Market and comes in sizes XXS–XL.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
gift ideas
Hi hive! I need a mother’s day gift idea. My husband and I have been trying to figure one out for his mom and I thought I’d ask here, since you all have the best ideas. My MIL is taking my daughter camping with her girl scout troop and I was hoping to get some gear or something as her gift. MIL is super excited, loves to camp and loves the girl scouts. Matching shirts? Thank you for your help!
Anecdata
A flashlight / headlamp if she doesn’t have one?
Curious
My father-in-law’s unofficial motto is “never too many headlamps”, lol.
Anon
I run a girls’ BSA troop and I’m not sure how old your daughter is, but a Nalgene, stickers (you could get your daughter’s face on them) for said Nalgene, stickers for any camp trunk you use, embroidery floss because our kids make them from middle school through high school, a good headlamp, good drink mix-ins if your MIL doesn’t like plain water, and a battery for recharging the phone (we take pictures constantly) in case their camp site doesn’t have electricity. Also good socks and good rain gear. OR REI GIFT CARD.
Anon
A nice water bottle/Yeti cup? Or is there any Girl Scout merch you could get her?
Anon
that is so special that your MIL is doing that. matching sweatshirts? hats?
Anon
Love this idea,
Anonymous
I would do either matching shirts or other girl scout merch.
Curious
I am struggling to think of anything, but I just love that your MIL is doing this.
Girl Scout
Unless you know there is gear she needs, I’d say head to the girl scout shop online and go with that. You could get various water bottles with the logo, throw blankets, caps, fleece jackets,scarves, stationery…..there is a cute “legacy backpack’ on the site now. Vintage GS things, etc. Also, FYSA, pearls are associated with Girl Scouts (Daisy sold her pearls to keep the organization running).
Seventh Sister
The Girl Scout store is not exactly my happy place (the hours are short and sometimes the staff gets pretty persnickety), but the stuff is often pretty cute. I have a few t-shirts that I actually like and don’t just wear for Girl Scout meetings (I just got a rainbow one that I plan to wear for our local kid-friendly Pride celebration). She might like a scarf or something.
Girl Scout
I order it all online; the hours our local shop is open aren’t usually convenient, and the online store has way more stuff. http://www.girlscoutshop.com
Seventh Sister
They also have the best sales – I got the DvF Girl Scout scarf for like half off a few years ago.
Cora
On LinkedIn, is there any way to add a private note to someone’s profile? I accept a lot of people as connections but I’d like to note how I met them (worked on X client)
Anon
No, I don’t think so.
Relationship Advice
I have been dating a wonderful man for 8 months. He’s kind and thoughtful and intelligent and we both have chemistry and he checks all of my important boxes for long term compatibility (kids, religion, etc). However, when we first started seeing each other, he mentioned he had gotten out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago and wanted to take things a bit slow as a result. I was in a busy period at work, so that would have happened naturally. We continued seeing each other and defined the relationship, etc. I would note that he was the one to end the relationship and he pushed back on her attempts to rekindle the relationship in the months following the break-up (well before he met me fwiw).
However, as I was spending more time at his place, I started finding things of hers around – the worst of were some gardening tools in a closet. Initially, I joked about it and assumed he’d get rid of it quickly. I wound up having to ask three times before he finally pitched them. It didn’t seem like he had any emotional attachment to it, and he has not spoken to her in well over a year at this point. But I kept finding things – a photo in his wallet (albeit in a pocket he never looked in), a netflix profile. I didn’t snoop here – I would just come across it when doing something like grabbing a credit card for him at his request. This has resulted in quite a few conversations about her, the relationship, and how it ended. I’m a bit embarrassed that I haven’t always been kind about her (I think, from what he’s said, that there were red flags from the beginning that he ignored, partially because she was part of his larger existing social circle, and partially because COVID pushed them together quickly).
Now the question – I, when looking for something, came across a stash of cards / letters from her. He’d forgotten about them (seems reasonable – it looks like a pile he rounded up from around his house post-break-up), but made a comment that it’s nice to keep things like that to look back on (he’s the type to still have photos from college formals with girlfriends at the time on his phone – he doesn’t delete things). I want to be the type of person who isn’t jealous and is okay with that, but I’m having trouble getting past it – I am the type of person who throws that stuff away right after a break-up. Not sure what I’m looking for – advice from those who’ve dealt with this? Validation? Generally sage wisdom from the hive?
Anon
I think you’re overreacting. None of his behavior seems abnormal to me.
Anon
People are allowed to have pasts. I’d let it go. I’d be angry AF if my husband wanted me to destroy the evidence of having a life before him.
anon
Agreed. Some people are “destroy the evidence” when it comes to past relationships, and others see it as more of a “time capsule of my life” thing. Neither is better or worse. But, it seems that you have some insecurities about the relationship in general, and how quickly he moved from the ex to you, so that’s the part I think you need to focus on.
Anon
+1
Agree. Your repeated invasive searching for evidence and talking about his ex seems really off-putting to me. I would probably react towards it too, but this is too much.
Maybe this is too soon for him. Maybe he isn’t the right guy, at the right time, for you.
Relationship Advice
I don’t look for it – like he told me to store my things when I sleep over in a cabinet, and that’s where I found some of the gardening tools. I went to grab a credit card for him from his wallet (at his request) and there was a photo of her in there.
Anon
Girl, if he was hiding secret feelings and souvenirs he wouldn’t tell you to access those places. You sound kind of immature? Is this your first boyfriend?
Relationship Advice
Yeah, that’s fair. And no, it’s not – I’m 29.
History major
I think this is a you problem and not a him problem, although I mean that kindly. He has a past. He’s not a “toss it all after the breakup” person. I have photos of my high school and college boyfriends, my husband has letters from some old girlfriends. We both had exes who came to our wedding (and we’ve gone to theirs). I frankly think it’s healthy to acknowledge how we became the people we are, and that other people were part of that. If my partner asked me to delete all references and stuff from my past, I’d likely decide that partner was not my person.
If you are concerned that he hasn’t gotten over his previous relationship, well…you need to decide if you trust him or not. That’s where it all hinges.
Anonymous
Agree — plus if he’s going to destroy something he wants it should be for his wife or future partner, not a mere girlfriend.
Relationship Advice
Good lord, this seems like a toxic distinction.
Anonymous
I’m not saying he should HAVE to throw it away in any relationship, just that I think it’s inappropriate for someone temporary to have that conversation with him… until you’re not temporary. Not your business until it is.
Anon
He shouldn’t have to destroy anything he wants to keep, in any relationship.
Anon
I have a box where I keep old cards and postcards. I haven’t looked but I’m sure there are many in there from my ex husband and other exes. I still have jewelry that my ex gave me (including my old wedding ring).
When I was helping my now-husband pack his apartment to move in with me, we found tons of stuff from his ex, who he had broken up with 6 years earlier. Some stuff (like photos) went in the appropriate boxes, other stuff (like clothes and shoes) we tossed/donated.
Not everyone does a thorough search and toss of every single thing related to an ex.
I’m not getting any hung-up-on-her vibes. Unless there’s more than what you said here, it sounds like this is more your insecurity. I think that insecurity is something to explore, but not an immediate dump-him situation.
Relationship Advice
You’re probably right. A lot of this was made much worse by the fact that initially, he didn’t share that he’d broken up with her – just that he’d been in a serious relationship that he was pretty over, but wanted to take things slow as a result. In hindsight, I should have pushed for a few more details at the time instead of letting the insecurity that she broke up with him and he was only dating me as a result, fester. It’s really helpful to hear others’ experiences. I’ve also moved a lot, so anything I missed always gets found quickly, whereas that’s not true for him.
Anon
No, you should not have “pushed for more details,” because your inquisitiveness is based on your insecurities. Is it over? That’s all you need to know.
Many people “take it slow” after toxic relationships, whether or not they were the ones to initiate the breakup. He missed red flags – he’s smartly going to not rush headlong into another situation.
Anon
It would have been weird to push for details at such an early stage, imo. Why would you automatically feel that you’re a rebound or second choice? Your insecurity could very well cause other problems in the relationship going forward – agree with the suggestions for therapy.
Relationship Advice
Honestly, he talked about her a lot. I took her to this fancy restaurant for Valentine’s Day, we took this trip together, she used to work at this desk, etc. It made me feel like he hadn’t moved on.
Cat
How long of a relationship was it? If it was long and serious I’d be surprised if he could totally shut it off. That’s a lot of memories and shared life. That said if he’s still reminiscing about her desk(?) that’s a little much IMHO…
Relationship Advice
A little over two years. Totally get the not shutting everything off – it was just a lot initially – like I didn’t need to know you took her to the best restaurant in the city for Valentine’s Day or that you took her on a special vacation or had planned to take her on on an Italy trip before COVID ruined it. That plus not throwing things away (especially the gardening tools and outfits) just made me feel like I was a second choice. I think, rationally, he just didn’t think about it much or how it would make me feel, but I don’t want to let that poor start ruin an otherwise good relationship.
anon
Okay, but you should have then said hey, I know you have a past, as do I, but I’d prefer not to hear so many details about it. Or talked about how it made you feel. He can’t read your mind!
I do not think this is a big deal. I still have not read any evidence that leads me to believe he isn’t into you or is pining for his ex or whatever.
Relationship Advice
I did. I asked repeatedly. It took 3-4 asks for it to (mostly) stop. I asked repeatedly for him to throw away the gardening tools – it also took 3 times for him to do it.
Anon
Okay, this is definitely a you problem. You need to work on your own insecurities or you’re not going to have a successful long term relationship with this guy or anyone else.
Anonymous
He is who he is. Stop trying to analyze him or change him and ask your self if you want him or not.
Anon
My DH’s HS sweetheart died tragically from a chronic disease; part of the tragedy was that her family chose religion over science in her treatment. By the time she passed, they had been broken up for a few years, were friendly, and had both moved on. He and I were years away from meeting.
There’s a picture of her in our home – I feel by no means threatened by this and think it’s beautiful that it keeps her spirit alive.
We’ve been together for 13 years, married for almost 9, and mostly have a great thing going. Just saying, these past things are who made your current partner who they are – don’t take it as anything more unless you see clear signs otherwise.
Anon
I feel like that’s a little different. I realize she wasn’t his spouse, just a GF, but generally you treat a dead spouse quite differently than an ex-spouse.
Anon
I’m married to a man who lost his wife. He also had a serious girlfriend post-wife /before me. He is allowed to have this past. He is also allowed to have loved them both. We don’t have to pretend it never happened just to placate me. I’m just not that immature. OP needs to grow up.
Anonymous
I actually think tossing every shred of evidence of a past relationship signals more emotional hangup than keeping a few items from a period of your life. Sure, once found, the gardening items should be tossed, as should pretty much any belongings of hers not to be used or returned, but the iact of throwing away letters and photos after a breakup indicates some serious lingering emotions and an inability to handle change in one’s life. This was a part of his life. He gets to remember it.
Relationship Advice
I think for me it was often what helped me move on faster. I also just am less sentimental with things – I think more of a holdover from moving a lot as a kid (military brat) and subsequently moving a lot as an adult (rotational leadership program) – you just can’t get that attached to stuff when you’re moving every 1-2 years.
anon
That’s great it works for you. That’s not his process. And that’s ok.
Anon
Okay, but he’s not you and you’re not him. And he is allowed to feel different things and handle things a different way than you would handle them.
This is something you must learn, right now, if you ever want to be in a successful long-term relationship with this guy, or anyone: the way you were raised to do things, or the way you choose to do things, is not necessarily the “right” way, and even if it is, other grown adult human beings with independence and autonomy don’t have to do things your way just because you say so. Your partner came into the relationship with his own habits, beliefs and baggage from his upbringing and life before he met you; you are not going to erase that just by showing him how things could be so much better if he just remodels himself to be exactly like you.
I made this mistake with my husband when we first got together, as part of being raised in a family where there were very rigid beliefs that there is a “right way” and a “wrong way” to do everything, from loading a dishwasher to adhering to the tenets of our faith. I figured if I just kept telling my husband the “right way” to do something, he would eventually see it my way and do things like I had told him. He didn’t do things the “right way” because he just didn’t know! But lucky him, I came along and now I was going to educate him on the “right way” to do things he already knew very well how to do, and he would change himself to fit my idea of what was “correct.”
Needless to say, this did not happen. I was not accounting for the fact that he had grown up in a completely different environment with completely different values, beliefs, habits, chores, perspectives, etc. and that his perspective was just as valid as my perspective. I put a lot of stress on our marriage for the first few years by insisting that there is only one right way to look at a situation or complete a task or even have a feeling. I fortunately wised up before he got fed up and moved out.
If you’re looking for your partner to be either a complete doormat, or a clone of yourself, you may be looking for a partner for a long time. Like forever. If you can bend a little bit, and realize that your partner’s perspectives may have value (or at least make sense to him) and that asking for things repeatedly is not the path forward to remodeling him into the person you want him to be, you have a chance at being happy with this person. If ultimately y’all are too different, and see things from completely different perspectives in a way that isn’t resolvable? Just save both of yourselves some time and break up now. Find another military brat that sees things your way; maybe that will work.
Anonymous
As someone who also grew up moving every 1-2 years, I’m going to gently put it out there that getting rid of everything as a way to help you move on faster is a trait associated with attachment issues.
Anon
*ding ding ding* We have a winner! Definitely attachment issues. And I say this as somebody who also had to work through some deep-seated attachment issues in therapy before finding a relationship that works.
Emma
When I met my now husband, we had both gotten out of previous relationships not that long ago and agreed to take things slow. About 6 months in, things started to get more serious and I had a talk to him about his previous girlfriend – she had left him, they seemed like they were meant to be (childhood sweethearts) and I had serious insecurities about his feelings. So one day I told him something along the lines of “hey I’m starting to get really attached to you and honestly I’m worried I’m just your rebound from [Jane] and you would drop me like a hot potato if she wanted you back”. He laughed, and then we had a very nice talk about how he was so much happier with me, couldn’t care less if she wanted to come back to him, and had in fact been very unhappy in that relationship. That conversation opened up a whole space for other conversations about getting serious, and I’ve never had any reason to doubt he was genuine since then. We have been together for years now and Jane actually did message him a few times – polite things such as congratulations on your wedding and the birth of your daughter. He showed me the messages and his responses (also polite) and we are secure enough that I couldn’t car less. So I recommend talking about it. I would definitely be annoyed by an ex’s gardening tools or lingerie, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to get rid of letters – I still have a ton of letters and postcards from my exes, and I have zero feelings for any of them but I don’t like to throw out letters.
Relationship Advice
This is really helpful to hear! We’ve talked about it a bit – I think what I would really kill for is hearing what you heard – that he’s happier now, that it doesn’t matter if the reason they broke up (not about her) changed, he’d still want to be with me. I appreciate you taking the time to write such a thoughtful response and I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these feelings.
Curious
Hmm. What *does* he say?
Relationship Advice
That they broke up for *reasons* (which are external to her – think distance or the like). I think I’ll always want to hear that he’s happier or that if *reasons* changed he won’t drop me like a hot potato and run back to her. Between him talking about her, not throwing out her gardening tools (even after I asked), keeping a note on his phone (he showed this to me – he also kept date ideas that he apparently wanted me to see for my benefit) with their first kiss date, her shoe size, etc, the letters, etc – it was just a lot.
Curious
I don’t like this for you, TBH. I think your concerns are valid.
Anon
“keeping a note on his phone (he showed this to me – he also kept date ideas that he apparently wanted me to see for my benefit) with their first kiss date, her shoe size, etc, the letters, etc”
Does he have a similar note for you?
Anon
Hmmmm, OP, I’ve said it before but listen to your intuition. Also, make it what you want. Do you like him? Is he the one for you? Do you want nothing more than to be with him? If the answer to those questions is “no” then let him go. And sometimes when he answer is yes for you, it might still be a. I for him. That’s okay but only pursue things if you’re really into it.
Relationship Advice
I think my intuition says he was not over at the beginning of our relationship, but is now. I think I’m being irrational about it as a result. I also think he is the type of person who doesn’t delete things or throw them out generally, which was not something I knew at the beginning. I’m going to ask him to put them in a box in the back of the closet so I don’t have to see them when I go looking for a pen or a pad of paper (they’re in the same drawer) and that I’m going to let it go.
Anon
I wouldn’t like this part:
“keeping a note on his phone (he showed this to me – he also kept date ideas that he apparently wanted me to see for my benefit) with their first kiss date, her shoe size, etc, the letters, etc – it was just a lot”
People are allowed to have pasts, but I would trust your gut if things seem off.
Anon
Cool it. This isn’t healthy for you. People get entangled in each other’s lives.
FWIW, I have a Christmas ornament from like five ex-boyfriends ago. My husband likes it (it references a big part of my life that my ex was proud of me for and my husband is proud of me for). When we were engaged, I found out that my profile on a dating site was still up (not paid for, not used), and I combed through all the dating sites and deleted everything.
This stuff happens. Chill.
Anna Palindrome
I agree. Even if you and him are regularly doing the dirty deed, I assume you also have had previous lovers who you have slept with, and no where is he expecting you to toss out their old jockstraps, condoms or whatever else was left in your apartment when you split up. He had past relationships, and like tree rings from which one can determine a lot about its past history, he has his own history that he does not want to throw out. In fact, you may well be relegated to the dung heap in short order if you persist in whining about the markings he has retained from his past dalliances. So chill, girl; while he may be poking you exclusively at this point, you should have no reason to continue to give him the third degree on his previous relationships, or the scope thereof.
Anon
I don’t get rid of things. I’ve been happily married for 10 years, but I still have cards and photos from my entire life, including from my old boyfriends. It doesn’t mean anything. I think it would be way weirder if I went through and purged every reminder of my past every time I met someone new and I certainly wouldn’t take kindly to someone who wanted me to do that. It’s not like this stuff is on display, I just have a box of old cards and letters and a file of photos on my laptop. I don’t even look at them. But I’d be pretty unhappy if you asked me to throw them away. We also still regularly use several household items I got from the last guy I dated before my now husband. I don’t think twice about it and I don’t think he does either. They’re useful and I don’t want to be wasteful. I don’t have any emotional attachment to them.
Anonymous
+1 When you run across something just put it in a box and put the box out of sight in the back of a closet somewhere. No need to even mention it to him. If the relationship with you moves forward at some point you both get rid of the box naturally like when you move into together in a new place.
Anon
Actually, no. He decides if he gets rid of his things, you decide if you get rid of your things. Do not throw away someone else’s stuff unless you want to enter a world of pain.
Anonymous
Whoa. No, not this at all. It’s his stuff to decide what to do with. I’m happily married 15 years. I have no idea if my husband has a box like this, but I would never view that as mine to touch. I have my own box–I feel like the pictures, etc. are almost like a yearbook. Someone wanting me to toss that would have been a relationship ender–not because anything in it is of real value–I can’t even remember the last time I saw it. But because it shows a lack of trust in that person. It’s almost like someone’s insecurity is trumping your right to have memories. FWIW, my husband was divorced 10 years before we met. I live in the home they shared and I’m stepparent to the child they had together. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a moment jealous of her or their life pre-me. If a box somewhere gives you this much angst, you’re not read for a relationship or at least this relationship. People get to be whole people before they ever met you.
Anonymous
I’m coming up on my 19th wedding anniversary to a guy who keeps things. He has a bin with keep-but-not-display momentos that I am certain contains things related to the ex-girl who was previous to me.
Unless you’re getting “I’m not over her” vibes, I’d let it go and let him keep what he wants. Men are allowed to have pasts that meant something to them, and are allowed to keep things related to it.
Relationship Advice
Yeah, that’s fair. I think I got “not over her” vibes at the beginning based on our initial conversation about it, though that’s long faded, and that has very much impacted how I view this now. If he told me he had cards from the girl before her (or before that) it wouldn’t bother me at all.
Anon
I am concerned for you that you are going to ruin a wonderful relationship with your anxiety and fears. I have letters from boyfriends from 40 years ago–those relationships are part of my story, and the letters remind me of how I have grown and changed. I love my husband of 35 years and those letters are irrelevant to him. If he wanted me to throw them out I would, but it would make me sad, and I would prefer to hang to them. You might want to see a therapist so you have someone to discuss this with.
Relationship Advice
This is a fair point and a helpful perspective to hear.
anon
Separate from the question of whether he’s over her, it’s entirely reasonable to ask him to put her stuff (especially gardening tools, wtf) in places where you’re less likely to come across them.
Anon
Yeah I don’t think this is necessarily a red flag in terms of his lack of being over her, but it sounds like he could be a little more discreet for sure.
Anonymous
It’s normal and natural for stuff from the ex to sort of migrate away from the foreground of your life (and home). If that doesn’t happen, that suggests there’s a reason the ex’s stuff is still so prominent. And the impact on a new partner is real – It feels as if she’s still living there, like she still has a place in his life and home and so by extension you do not; like you’re an interloper, or the other woman, infringing on this woman’s space.
I’m a pack rat, I’m sure I have a bunch of stuff from exes. Heck I don’t even purge social media. If a guy wants to go looking for my exes that’s his problem. But it’s a different matter entirely when you’re constantly tripping over the ex’s stuff. I once dated a guy who still had his ex’s profile set up on his Netflix account and it drove me batty. Like why do you need to keep her viewing history when she’s not using your account anymore? Why do you (and I) need to see her name every time we want to Netflix and chill? Such a turn off.
Anon
As I was reading this I thought you were working up to saying he was cheating on you with her. But it seems like all you’re saying is that he has not eliminated all traces of the fact that he was once in a different relationship.
Unless you’re going to start dating minors (please don’t) you are always going to date someone who has dated someone else before you. If you can’t get used to this, you don’t belong on the dating market. I’m serious. Give yourself a good talking to and if you think you can stop being ridiculous, move forward. Otherwise, break up with this guy and let him find someone based in reality.
Relationship Advice
I mean this genuinely – like am I so out of touch with reality? Like should have been okay with the gardening tools and outfits in the closet? Like genuinely, I feel a little crazy reading these responses. I thought it was fully reasonable to tell him to get rid of that stuff, but reading this makes me think that’s not true?
Anon
If you feel a little crazy it’s because you sound a little crazy.
Anon
I personally think it’s a bit controlling to have asked him 3 times to throw away the gardening tools. It’s very unlikely that he’s holding on to them for any sentimental value, and so insisting over and over he throws them away seems like trying to police his behavior based on your own insecurities. You need to meaningfully let this go.
Anonymous
I disagree, keeping old toys is super gross and unhygienic, it’s not controlling for her to want him to toss them.
Anonymous
Why is it unhygienic to keep someone else’s toys but not unhygienic to keep your own?
Anon
It’s definitely controlling.
PLB
I don’t think you sound crazy for questioning this in combination with the date ideas and speaking of the ex all the time. However, I also agree with those saying talk it through with him and then make a decision. We cannot convince you he’s still in love with her or not.
Anon
It sounds like OP is the one who is bringing the ex up all the time!
anon
This would honestly make me laugh! Maybe it’s because I am in my 40s and have dated so many men who have ex-wives and kids and so you never ever can get rid of evidence of a prior relationship (yes, I realize some of this is slightly different), but no, finding an ex’s gardening tools from a relationship long over in my bf’s closet would make me laugh not think he wasn’t into me. He shows me and tells me he is into me and I believe him. No random piece of relationship past changes that for me.
anon
And no, I have never asked a bf to get rid of something from a past relationship. I keep some of that stuff and would be really turned off if a current bf told me to get rid of it (I am keeping the nice jewelry and clothing and art dang it!!)
I think it’s reasonable to ask him to put it in a box though so you can’t stumble on it, if it bothers you.
Relationship Advice
This is a helpful perspective too. What’s funny is I did date a man with an ex-wife and it bothered me less – maybe because it was obvious from the beginning that he was fully over it.
Anon
I definitely don’t think you’re out of touch with reality but I think you’re lumping everything together. Gardening tools? Completely offside and annoying that he didn’t get rid of them when you asked the first time (although I’d understand if he was debating if he needed to give them back to her vs just throw them away etc). Netflix password? Totally normal and wouldn’t think anything of it. Saved cards and mementos? Is a very personal decision, some burn everything, some keep them, there’s no wrong answer. My husband saved some from his ex and while I didn’t love running across them, it’s definitely his right to keep them if he wants.
Anon
Oh- I do want to put in the major asterisks that this site is usually pretty good about mentioning: if you’re otherwise a fairly secure person but are feeling insecure in your relationship, there’s something wrong with your relationship.
Relationship Advice
This is a super helpful perspective, thank you!
Anon
Whether or not you know it, you’re demanding that your ex conform to YOUR ideas about emotional attachment to stuff and to purging. (My husband purged almost everything from his ex fiancée. He found that cathartic. I find the purging to be unsettling for me and thus have remnants of past boyfriends.)
You have ideas about keeping stuff that work for you. They work for YOU. Other people are different and it’s not because they are wrong or need to be hectored.
Yeah the gardening tools should have gotten tossed. But he said there were red flags in the relationship with her. Was she jealous or possessive? Does he bristle at things that dance in the line between “normal girlfriend” asks and “this is possessive” asks because it brings up bad memories for him?
Anon
Honestly, you don’t. I read all of your answers above, and I think you are smart to listen to your intuition here. Maybe one of those things wouldn’t bother me, but on balance, I would also be bothered. Maybe have a moment where you take a step back, and let him know that – all these things together – have you off balance, hear what he has to say, then choose to trust him and keep going forward (especially if, like you suspect, maybe he carried a torch for her at the beginning, but doesn’t now) or take a break and give it some time. Especially if you aren’t usually a very jealous person, I think you listen to your gut.
Anon
Your question was about him keeping a box of letters and cards. Let’s be clear here.
And yes, people who want to keep cards and letters should keep their cards and letters and not have to get rid of them forever due to an insecure girlfriend.
Anonymous
Yup.
Anon
Keeping an old letter in a box is normal and wouldn’t bother me, but I do think it’s weird you had to ask him three times to throw out her gardening tools. That’s pretty weird on his part IMO. Who wants old gardening tools!? It’s not sentimental and is gross and unhygenic.
Anon
This. Old letter and photos can just be put in a box somewhere but I would want to tools gone asap because I find other peoples used tools to be disgusting.
anon
for me the line between reasonable and not is that asking him to throw away things is not reasonable. Asking him to put them elsewhere and be more discreet is entirely reasonable. I don’t feel qualified to assess whether he’s over her or not. I don’t see red flags here, but I also don’t know the guy.
Roxie
I think you’re getting unfairly treated here OP (in the thread). It’s one thing to accept a partners past but another to have to ask a man 3 times to throw out old toys. Like, that’s gross and I would be seriously reconsidering that relationship.
He should be able to hear you and your feelings and want to respond in a supportive way. I’m not saying he should delete it all but it sounds like you two are talking past each other or not hearing each other and that’s where the real red flag is
Also please never date a divorced dad. You will have their past in your face every day ;)
Curious
Yeah, do I have to ask him three times to do the dishes every time, too?
Curious
It’s not the same, but the “talking past each other” resonates.
Anon
“I am the type of person who throws that stuff away right after a break-up.”
Not everybody is. I wouldn’t try to impose this on him or your jealousy could drive him away.
Elle
How do I go about estimating the cost of custom building a home? My husband and I have been casually looking and everything in the locations we would like to live is very outdated. There’s a lot for sale in a neighborhood we like and it’s the first time we’ve really considered it an option. It wouldn’t be a crazy large home or very fancy finishes (2,500 ish sq ft with a garage). The estimates online are all over the place.
Anon
It depends on location. I would never do this, the permitting time and the costs are outrageous. This is a project for the very rich who have a lot of time and somewhere else to live.
Anon
Add in the short-term rental, storage fees, and any movers.
We are a family of 4. For a 2-3 BR short-term rental in our city, we were quoted 2-3K/month. That was ideally for 3 months, but it was actually 8 months, while paying construction draws and our original mortgage.
Costs ran 33% over budge (old house); estimated construction time was double what was planned (which was originally moving out for 3 weeks; moving out for 3 months was to significantly speed things up but OMG it just went sideways a new way each week; also: COVID happened, but construction and building trades were exempt in my city).
Anon
My parents built a custom home when I was in high school. It was a nightmare process; we ended up having to temporarily live in an apartment and drive an hour back and forth to school every day because the house took so long to complete. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. My parents got so stressed out they nearly got divorced and years later there was still resentment over how parts of the process had been handled.
30 years later, I got to watch my best friend and her husband go through the exact same thing, down to the point of nearly getting divorced because the stress was so severe. They thought they were going to get a $750k house for $600k in build costs; they got what is probably a $650k house for $800k in build costs, because of supply chain issues, subcontractors screwing them over, work having to be ripped out and redone, having to make endless substitutes of fixtures and finishes because they’d pick something and then not enough would be in stock, etc. Their finances are a disaster because of the house-building process and the only reason they didn’t go bankrupt is because my friend’s FIL died in the middle of the three-year build process and left them some money to see the project through.
I, personally, have seen enough when it comes to house building. It’s not for me, like never will I ever do it. Completely agree, building a custom home is for rich people who have tons of time and another place to live while the house is being built.
Anon
2500 sf is a big house!
Look at the prices for new builds in your area, figure the cost per square foot and take the higher end of the range you find.
Anon
I agree. 2500 sq ft is a large house. Don’t get all Mc Mansioned out in your head.
Anon
Your best bet is to contact a few local architects or design build firms. I build a substantial addition on to my house and the architects were pretty spot on regarding estimated costs.
Emma
It also depends on the kind of home you want. There is a wide range between a designer architect home and a pre-built “house in a box”, with lots of options in between. But generally, assume it’s pretty expensive and complicated. We looked into it for a second home when a beautiful plot of land was for sale on my favorite lake and decided it was too much of a hassle and too expensive for us. I would try to talk to people who have done it in your area because a lot depends on local permitting requirements, water and septic systems, etc. We have friends who did a major renovation of an existing house and it took years and was way more expensive that the initial quote and it’s really turned me off from any kind of renovation project.
anon a mouse
Start talking to a couple of builders. Prices will vary depending on the lot, whether you have to do a complete teardown or remodel the existing home. In my area the 2500 SF homes really aren’t being built, because it’s a marginal extra expense to get to 3500 or 4000. The main cost drivers are in site prep and things that don’t change much in price as you get bigger.
anon
You can’t. You have to actually talk to a builder and see what your options are.
anon
+1
NYCer
I basically agree with this. There are so many factors that play into the cost and many of them are location specific. It also will vary widely if you’re just doing “builder grade” essentially or if you want to have more high end finishes.
anon
Assuming you don’t have friends that have done the custom builder route – start looking at architect, interior designer and custom builders in your area. If you find a few that you like, you can always reach out to them with the caveat of “we are still in the early stages of moving forward, I was wondering if you would be willing to share the range of costs for house x so that we can get an idea of how much it would be, yada yada.” I’d also look for listing in that area with custom builds. Subtract the lot value and you probably have a good idea of how much the build will be.
Anonymous
You need to talk to builders in your area and people who have hired them.
Cat
You need to talk to builders in your area since this is super local specific. Some also depends on the lot itself (like if utilities and road are already ready to go, obviously that helps).
Anonymous
A friend who works in the building trade told us that you can get a ballpark by looking at what a similar home would cost to buy in your area and then doubling the price. So if your house would cost 1.5 million to buy then you would guesstimate 3 million to custom build. It’s obviously not an accurate way of doing it, because there are so many variables involved, but it does give an idea of how expensive customs can be.
anon
This makes no sense. OP, a better measure is to find a newly constructed house for sale and a comparable empty lot in the neighborhood. Subtract the cost of the lot from the listing price of the newly constructed house and you more or less have a base amount.
Anonymous
To be fair, when he said it he was clear that is isn’t going to be an accurate number. It is a way to see how expensive custom builds can be, nothing more. There are always variables that aren’t planned for so it’s better to overestimate the amount of money you need than to underestimate.
anon
That’s not how it works. I’m in an adjacent construction field and a house that’s a part of a subdivision is going to cost less to construct because of economy of scale. The roofer is charging less to roof 30 houses than just one. The tiler is going to charge less to tile 30 bathrooms than one. There’s discount on bulk material etc. etc. You’ll always pay more to build a one off structure than a bunch of them at the same time.
anon
Fair. I don’t live in a place with subdivisions so every new house is contractor-built based on their own whims and every roof and tile job is unique. So in my neighborhood, this actually does convert into the base cost of building a custom house.
Anon
This is spot on. Only caveat would be buying a prefab and already having a lot with city services on it.
BeenThatGuy
I did this in 2006. It cost about $500K to build a 2800 sq foot house in North Jersey at that time. The cost of the land/tear down home was $300K. Some finishes were average, some were higher end. For example, better quality flooring because that would be hard to upgrade down the road. But not high quality bathroom counters because those are easy to replace. Real estate taxes went from $12K to $20K.
Two years later, I got divorced and sold the house (yes, in 2008). So you can imagine how that went. 100% not worth it for me.
Anon
I gut renovated an apartment with my ex and divorced him about a year after we finally moved in. All my friends’ reaction was “BUT THE APARTMENT!” (it was beautiful). He ended up keeping it (I couldn’t afford it on my own) because we would have had to sell it at a major loss.
Anonymous
I mean…easily over $600k for the build (not the lot) in MA. And that assumes nothing super fancy but beyond builder grade.
One of my parents is a custom builder and has build homes in Connecticut and Massachusetts. The builder will buy the lot, clear it for development, sell it as a custom build for over $1M, often $2-4M. The variance is in the lot value as well as what you build.
My in laws did a custom build in TX in 2014 and then it was like, $400k including the (pre cleared) lot.
Anon
I am in the middle of this right now. I will be transparent and say we can afford to do this but the costs and time are completely insane. We are in the southeast and building on a lot that had a $1M value to tear down an old house if that gives you perspective. The cost of the house is a lot (go talk to a builder) but you need to factor in the ancillary costs of having somewhere else to live during the build; and know that custom building is such a slippery slope. We have done so many extras that I’m sure we will love but would have probably been fine with if we were purchasing a home that was already complete. When it’s all said and done we will probably spend about 30% more than we would have initially expected.
Anonymous
We did this in 2015 but with a big development that was being built custom, meaning we had like 3 options for every choice and everything else was an upcharge. I will note that the landscaping is another huge part of this to consider — if memory serves we spent $8k getting lawn seeded and in-ground sprinklers installed on the sunny side. Brick patio and walkway were another 8K or so. We DIYed our bushes and so forth, but my neighbors have easily spent $50k on outdoor rooms, extensive landscaping, and lighting.
here she goes
We built a custom home in 2019-2020, and lucked out that we had ordered all of our materials right before (like one month) before building costs went wild. Our house is about 2000 square feet with a full basement and gigantic garage for DH (okay it’s not that big and he’s right, it could have been 5 feet wider). Here’s a lot of random, unedited thoughts.
Echoing everything everyone else said, you have to get estimates from builders. This process of getting estimates is not quick or simple. We basically got estimates and planned the house (including working with an architect getting house plans) almost all of 2019, with repeated follow ups. Custom builders with more of a staff to get together estimates more quickly do exist but you’ll then pay for that. We got three quotes, and had to follow up on all three of them. We had to give specific ideas of what kind of finishes we wanted (stone countertops, floors, 10 foot ceilings, etc.). DH and I had a pretty clear vision of what we wanted to build because we had thought about it for years, so it was easier for us to answer these questions – however it still took time for the builders to take all of that and give a good estimate. We picked the builder we felt the most comfortable about and while the build didn’t go perfectly seamlessly (see 2020), I recommend him all the time still and would absolutely work with him again.
We ended up with a builder vs a general contractor because we wanted to be really involved in managing the project and picking our subs, ordering our supplies, and our builder was very open to that. Doing it that way definitely wouldn’t be for everyone because we took responsibly and ownership of coordinating a lot of the details, however honestly DH and I are so much of control freaks and project managers in our regular jobs that we probably wouldn’t have been happy for anyone else to do it. You do have to have a lot of flexibility to do it this way, since for about 5 months I was constantly running between my normal FT project management job and project managing the house build.
And actually building did cost more than initially quoted because we added some thing as we went along, although we kept it pretty well in heel. The biggest surprise during the process was the construction loan draw process. Every bank is different, but ours wouldn’t allow us to draw out for downpayments which I only found out after putting in for one of our draws and being told we couldn’t get it out for downpayments after the first draw. Since had to pay 50% downpayments for plumbing, electrical, stone counters, custom cabinets, all of a sudden I needed about $40k to get people moving that the bank wouldn’t give me. So that was fun. It all worked out between a high credit score and 0% credit card, but it was stressful couple of weeks. It also was a few months of absurd numbers we had to approve – it felt like $10k every week for something different, and by the end we had a warped sense of what was normal to spend since we were in a very get it done right mode.
Anyway, 3 years out and super happy that we did it. It was a lot of work but we have a home we love and hope to stay in for the rest of our lives.
here she goes
oh, I’ll add some round numbers for what ours costs although location is going to make it not comparable to anything in a city area. We’re in the upper midwest rural area – 2000 square foot custom home with nice finishes, on 7 acres and city water/sewer – all in probably around $400k. Again, very rural compared to most of the posters on here.
Senior Attorney
Whatever estimate you get, double it. I am not even kidding. You will want to change/upgrade things, you will have unexpected things that have to be taken care of, there will be delays and shortages… These things never come in on budget.
Anon
Yes, also don’t forget the permit fees, this is the fee from the county or city that the contractor probably won’t tell you, you might also have fees for utility connection up grades. Other things to watch out for are changes in code. Ideally to get your estimated cost the comparison would be with a home build to the same code. New codes often mean more upfront cost though some might save you money later. Some cities might also require a survey, geotechnical, all adding cost and schedule.
Anon
If you want to do what makes the most financial sense, it’s getting over the idea of living in an “outdated” house. They’re not going raze all houses every 10 years to make new ones according to trends.
Senior Attorney
No kidding. My first house was built in the 1920s, with updates from the 50s, and I was just darned happy to be a homeowner! I’m 64 now and it’s only in the last year that I’ve been living in a house that is (pretty much) updated just the way I want it.
Anon
First house – 1922. Current house 1909. I would be so sad to learn that someone tore all the character out of either of these houses because they wanted something more 2020s. In fact, one of my neighbors down the street wrecked a house similar to mine trying to make it “mid century modern” and now that’s not even a trend. And they only lived in the house for another year after they trashed it.
Nesprin
The estimates are all over the place because costs to build a house can be all over the place. Building the same house on a flat lot in Iowa and building on a sloped lot in California is going to cost about 10x different.
The way you do this is to find a lot, find an architect or 2 and contractor or 3 and get estimates.
Anon
Warning: medical detail.
I’m 34 and in the last year, I’ve noticed a few menstrual cycles where my period seems to start on schedule (very light), but then essentially stop for about two days before restarting with a more normal flow. I’m not sure how to count the first day, which matters now that I’m trying to get pregnant. I used to be super, super regular and the testing I’ve had done doesn’t reveal any issues, although I’m getting a second opinion re: PCOS since I do have ovarian cysts and the last NP I saw gave me wholly inaccurate information about it – not sure I can trust her take on things. Anyway, if any of you have experienced this, what’s the first day of your period – the super light spotting day at the very beginning, or the “real” period a day or two later that’s a normal flow? I want to make sure I don’t miss the window for ovulation just because I miscount. I’ll also consider ovulation sticks – I know it’s not a science. TIA!
Anon
I’m not sure, but I have weird periods with irregular flow and highly, highly recommend ovulation sticks for TTC. My attempts at counting completely missed the mark until I used the sticks and figured out that I pretty regularly ovulate on day 16-17. I probably would have conceived sooner if I had done the sticks sooner. Also, I would definitely get a better medical opinion since it sounds like your current provider isn’t great for this.
anon
I always counted the light spotting day, though I don’t know if that’s accurate. Use the ovulation sticks; they take out at least some of the guesswork. Also, you didn’t ask this, but I would try to get to the bottom of the root issue. Glad you’re getting a second opinion because it sounds like something could be amiss, hormonally.
Anon
I’m glad I’m getting a second opinion too. The NP basically sneered at me when I described irregular cycles and ovarian cysts and said “you can’t have PCOS if you’re getting a cycle. That’s how that works.” And actually, I’m not just getting a second opinion, but switching doctors.
Anon
Just 100% validating your decision to push until you find a provider that will take this issue seriously. You can have PCOS and ovulate regularly with pretty normal cycles (I do – but my ovaries were clearly were polycystic when I got an ultrasound because I was having trouble getting pregnant). You may have PCOS, you may not, and there’s other things that could be happening hormonally to cause this, but you definitely need a new Dr who will help you get to the bottom of this. (And I’m horrified, but not surprised, that your doctor is this poorly informed). And good for you for starting now, all the waiting sucks, especially when trying to get pregnant, so you’ll thank yourself for trying to find answers now and not 6 months/a year from now if you do end up having trouble.
Anon
You can definitely have pretty serious PCOS while still getting a cycle. Why do medical professionals just make things up!
Anonymous
Nurse practitioners are not doctors. I would see a board certified ob gyn or reproductive endocrinologist.
Cat
even with a completely regular period, just use the sticks.
Curious
+1. Many, many people don’t ovulate on day 14. My sister and I both typically ovulate on day 13 but regularly have late ovulation if we are stressed. Both of us needed to use the methods in Taking Charge of Your Fertility (temperature and cervical mucus charting) to detect ovulation.
Anonymous
I can’t help you with counting days, but I will recommend the ovulation testing strips (I got them from Amazon). I have irregular cycles and they were very helpful at identifying the ovulation window for purposes of TTC. Good luck!
Anon
Definitely use the sticks or temping if you’re trying to figure out if you ovulate. Even with a “normal” cycle, ovulation can still be a wildcard.
Anonymous
I am 46 and in the last couple of years have had spotting a few days before my period really starts. I generally don’t count the spotting as day 1. But for TTC, I would look for other signs of ovulation, like cervical mucous (really obvious for me once I started paying attention to it), and use the test strips. You need to have s*x just before you ovulate ideally, so ideally do it every other day from when you stop bleeding to when you are sure you have ovulated.
FWIW, my OB/GYN said it was probably just hormonal after doing an ultrasound and seeing nothing amiss, but I’m much closer to menopause than you are.
Anonymous
I strongly recommend ovulation sticks – I ovulate consistently in my cycle, but not at day 14. Also, my period was completely screwed up when we were TTC. The stress really got to me.
Anon
You may want to consider seeing an REI if you’re TTC and your periods are doing anything wonky. Mine were regular-ish (24-31 days) and the moment my REI heard that he was like “nope. That’s not going to get you pregnant. Have some letrozole.” I agree with the ovulation sticks too!
Anon
Haha I don’t know how you count either, but I’m just here to tell you that was by normal flow for my entire life. (In meno now)
Anonymous
A warning about ovulation sticks – keep doing it for about a week after you get a positive. I have PCOS, and was always told to do it 5 days before the positive and up to 2 days after. By stroke of luck, I was getting evaluated at a new fertility clinic on the day my ovulation stick was blazingly positive. The ultrasound showed that my follicle was still small, and that I was not going to ovulate for another 3-5 days. After 3 yrs of trying (and 2 yrs of failed IVF), I naturally became pregnant that cycle because we kept doing it for a week after the positive ovulation stick.
Anon
My good friends kept missing the window due to the wife’s irregular cycle, so then they followed the advice of another couple – forget about timing, do it every other day between periods. They did that and got pregnant the next month. Every other day.
Perimenopause
Has anyone started hormone replacement therapy in perimenopause or menopause? What sort of symptoms did it help/not help, for you? How long did you take it?
I am debating starting it next month. There are some pros/cons, but it seems crazy to be taking so many different medications for all of the new problems I have been having in perimenopause when hormone replacement therapy might help more. But maybe I am being too optimistic…. I’m doing well on the lifestyle changes but the migraines, hot flashes, poor sleep, mood swings have not responded well and all require more meds.
All thoughts appreciated. Thanks.
Anon
I had a surgical menopause (yay hysterectomy!) and immediately went on hormone replacement. Physically I’m much better off because there’s no ebb and flow of hormones, not to mention the lack of pain and bleeding.
I’m on estrogen only because both my uterus and ovaries have left the building. I believe progesterone is indicated if the uterus is still in place, but that’s a q for your provider.
Anon
I’m staying on the pill through menopause and it’s been wonderful, zero symptoms with it.
Anon
Same! Taking Amethyst, the generic name for Lybrel, during what I presume is my perimenopause. No periods on this pill, which has 28 active pills per pack.
NYC Librarian
I have been taking menopausal hormone therapy since March. I use the estrogen transdermal patch. I no longer have hot flushes, yay! But I still have sleep problems, depressed moods, no libido, and vaginal dryness. Estrogen, for me, is not magic.
If you still have a uterus, you must pair estrogen therapy with progesterone therapy: estrogen alone will build up your uterine lining and increase your risk of endometrial cancer. I took micronized progesterone tablets for several weeks until they caused excruciating cramps. After that happened, my health care provider took me off the progesterone because I have a hormonal IUD (Mirena) that is giving me enough progesterone to protect against endometrial cancer.
I highly recommend The Menopause Manifesto by Jen Gunter, MD for evidence based information on menopause and menopausal hormone therapy. And if you live in NYC, check out NYU’s Center for Midlife Health and Menopause.
Perimenopause OP
Thanks so much for sharing these specifics. It is extremely helpful, and a little bit disappointing. But it really helps to know what others experience.
So, does that mean you still have periods? Sorry for my ignorance…. I haven’t had a period for several months now, so this may be my transition to menopause “year”. So I was curious if I start estrogen patch + progesterone pill if I will start periods (ugh cramps…) again? The only upside I’ve found of perimenopause so far is loosing the periods!
DeepSouth
I also recommend the Menopause Manifesto.
I have had a mirena for controlling my heavy periods for 20 years, but just added 1mg of estrogen at my last checkup.
I am still having some brain fog, but definitely think my joint pain, belly fat and hot flashes are better. I am sleeping better — not great, but better. I am 48, and my mother used HRT for 40 years without any substantial breaks. Because of her history, I am trying to stay as low intervention as I can so that I can take HRT as long as possible and still limit risks.
Look at menopause instagram hashtags. I feel like I’ve found several doctors to follow who talk about diet — no artificial sugar, lots more protein, watching your alcohol, not being in a calorie deficit — in ways that are reasonable and seem to genuinely help me.
Good luck. It’s so damn hard and no one takes it seriously.
Anon
I think there was a long piece in the New York Times about this recently about how hormone replacement therapy is still under prescribed despite ample evidence that it works and helps women with their symptoms. Maybe check that out? I know that it’s extremely important to take the hormones if you get your ovaries removed to reduce dementia risk.
HRT
I started HRT (100 mg progesterone and 0.5 mg estradiol) about six weeks ago. My last period was May 2021, and I am in my 50s.
I started HRT because I wanted to increase my bone density before I hit 60. It also has mostly resolved my only symptom: mild night sweats. So I have been sleeping through the night more frequently recently, which is nice.
Perimenopause OP
Wow – thanks so much for sharing this. So, your doctor (Gyn? PCP?) prescribed HRT just for mild symptoms and preventative factors? That’s great! I am also concerned about my bone density, but I thought no doctor wanted to hear about my concern, since that isn’t an “allowed” reason to use HRT, per my experience. Have you already had a bone density study or unexplained fracture that made your doctor concerned about this? I know most women can’t get a screening DEXA covered until they are 65, when honestly that seems way to late for finding at risk women.
Honestly, as someone at higher risk of colon cancer and osteoporosis, just those factors alone make we want to start HRT! I was hoping to take it for at least 5 years, ending before 60.
HRT
I asked my OB-Gyn for it proactively. I did have a recent dexa imaging test in my patient file showing osteopoenia. Academic medical center, so possible that my MD is more informed than the average physician in private practice.
Anon
Went on Lessina and then then Lo-Lo_Estrin FE starting at 45 due to very irregular (like weeks long) periods that didn’t resolve after a polyp was removed. Have had no real perimenopause symptoms and now don’t even have periods (not sure if that is me or the BCP I’m on). At some point, BCPs are HRT; it’s basically just very low-dose BCPs. Have no complaints. I know my OB won’t keep me on it forever but I don’t want this to end. Vanilla and easy. Vs unpredictable symptoms I don’t have time for.
anon
Mine prescribed birth control pills and it made everything worse, so we are back to the drawing board. I wish you the best of luck, I am miserable.
Perimenopause OP
I’m so sorry….
I didn’t realize that “birth control pills” could essentially be used for perimenopausal HRT. I had thought the estrogen/progesterone for HRT would be different doses/formulations/patches etc… instead.
Are you seeing a menopausal expert or getting another opinion? I feel like I have let myself feel poorly for too long, and need to advocate for myself more. Although it is very hard to when most doctors are in the room so briefly, and most don’t even bother to sit down….
Anon
I’ve experience menopause symptoms on birth control pills because they lower hormone levels so much! They also come with increased risks the older we are. This seems like a deeply lazy and possibly less than safe approach to HRT.
Anon
Yes, went on FemRing plus oral progesterone (10 days/mo.) about a year ago and it’s a game changer. Wish I’d done it sooner. It severely reduced the hot flashes which in turn allowed me to sleep.
Anonymous
Yes. I started about six weeks ago, after a month of symptoms that I couldn’t bear for much longer. The worst of them was not sleeping. Hot flashes woke me up every hour or two. Probably just due to not sleeping, I was irritable and had trouble functioning during the day. I also had dryness overall – vaginal, face, nails, etc. – which I would have lived with fine on their own but could be subject to improvement with HRT. If I knew the hot flashes and resulting lack of sleep would last only weeks or months, I probably would have toughed it out. But when I read in my research that some women have symptoms for a decade, I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist to check in. We talked through the balance of risks, and with her support, I felt relieved to try HRT. She suggested a low dose to start, such that we could increase the dose if necessary. She first floated a weekly patch form, but when I asked about a pill instead, she agreed that made sense for me as not much higher risk and much more convenient for my life. I’m on Estra 0.5 mg / North 0.1 mg in a daily pill form.
The HRT feels like a miracle to me. I can sleep again! Within a week, I didn’t have a single hot flash. I originally was drawn to some suggestions of bone strengthening, but my doctor said there are better medications for that purpose if/when needed. She advised taking the HRT at as low a dose as needed to relieve the perimenopause symptoms themselves, and probably for a duration of five years or so. I didn’t think to ask this but she added that it would be safe for me to go off HRT anytime suddenly without even checking in with her – quite unlike many other medications where a more gradual weaning off would be necessary. That helped me feel more comfortable giving it a try.
The risk/benefit assessment is individual based on a bunch of factors, but if your symptoms are really interfering with your life, it’s worth exploring with your doctor, I say. I’m so glad I did. I decided to consult my gynecologist rather than my internist doctor, because I assumed the former would have more depth of knowledge with this issue. But perhaps either of them would have been fine.
Anonymous
Recommendations for good earplugs that are comfortable to sleep in? Husband snores horribly, to the point we usually sleep in separate bedrooms, but we’ve got a trip coming up with a shared hotel room and I need something to drown out the snores to keep me from murdering him halfway through the trip from sleep deprivation.
Anon
Not what you are asking for. But I snore in my sleep and the breath right strips actually do help. Or at least my husbands says they do. If he’s willing to give them a try. Might be worth the experiment.
Anonymous
Oh I have. They help some but not as much as I’d like.
Anon
He should get checked out for sleep apnea – a CPAP does wonders for both snoring and H’s health.
Anon
I use Mack’s silicone earplugs, the pink ones for little kids (I have small ear canals) and just put one in, on the side that faces up when I’m sleeping on my side. With only one in, I can still hear other loud noises but the snoring isn’t as bothersome.
I tried foam earplugs but they gave me a rash in my ear canal, which was not fun.
Anon
Definitely recommend Mack’s silicone. I split them in half and use in either one ear or both.
Sunshine
Wall Street Journal had an article about this a week or two ago – trying to sleep in ear plugs because of snoring. The person who wrote the article said she finally ended up at an audiologist and got custom ear plugs, and they’re great.
Notinstafamous
Highly recommend the Bose Sleepbuds. They’re pricey, but they’re comfortable to sleep in, block noise well, and have a setting where you can still hear fire alarms/sirens/etc. They also have a good return period if they don’t work for you.
Anonymous
I tried the Sleep Buds and returned them. They don’t actually have noise cancelling; they are just really uncomfortable foam earplugs that play white noise. Completely ineffective for blocking out snoring and uncomfortable to boot. When I travel with my snoring husband I wear my Bose noise-cancelling over-the-ear headphones and sleep on a doughnut-shaped travel pillow.
Anon
I like Flents Quiet Please! earplugs. I don’t use them for snoring, but for neighborhood noise.
Anon
For sleep, my husband and I both wear a snorerx mouth guard, available on line. They are very similar to a dental device for sleep apnea, but are for snoring. We set the lower jaw part (this will make sense when you look at it) at 3 mm. We both snore some, but this really helps us sleep better and eliminates snoring. Maybe your husband will be open to this. They need to be replaced every 6 (?) months, and you could have a dentist make one for thousands of dollars. The OTC ones are under $100. Good luck! This can be so maddening! PS He should be evaluated for sleep apnea, but you probably know that.
Sallyanne
My spouse has a custom snore guard from a sleep dentist that works really well. He occasionally needs to change the bands (elastic loosens) if the snoring creeps up. Worth the cost to me—and our marriage!
Anon
I like the silicone ear plugs – they are moldable to fit your ear canal. There are a few brands and usually a house brand for the pharmacy as well.
Flats Only
These. The “name brand” is Mack’s and there is usually a CVS or Walgreens brand available. I have small ears so I split them in half – I’ve never had trouble getting them back out, so don’t worry too much about the dire warnings on the package! They really do work, although you will be able to hear your own breathing, which can take a little getting used to.
Anon
I use hearos when traveling with a friend that snores like a freight train.
Anonymous
Another option: I bought my son a weird headband earphone thing so he could listen to white noise while sleeping. I can’t find exactly which brand we bought but they were like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Sleep-Headphones-Perytong-Ultra-Thin-Meditation/dp/B07SHBQY7Z/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=headband+earphones+bluetooth&qid=1683734051&sprefix=headband+ear%2Caps%2C96&sr=8-3
Anon
I just have a big tub of foam ones from the drug store.
Anon
Book a suite with a pull out bed in the living area
Anon
This is really the best option.
Runcible Spoon
I just bought a pair of Loop brand ear plugs for an upcoming concert. I haven’t tried them yet, but I’m throwing that out there for your consideration.
anon
Where does a 40-something buy a cute sundress? I’d prefer to be able to wear a normal bra, but that might be asking too much. Budget is around $100, and I’m a size 12-14. I can’t handle the rufflepuff nonsense, but I do enjoy pretty patterns and colors.
Anon
I have been into Sugarlips lately! There are some ruffles, but also some non-ruffles and I like their patterns a lot. I’m a 16 and fit in their XL, but they also have 1, 2, and 3X as well.
Curious
I know this is a bit ruffly, but I have and love the Boden Jersey Seersucker Dress. I got it on sale, so not sure if it’s still in stock, but it’s so flattering on my size 12-14 post partum self (some boob, fairly rectangular, decent legs) without being tight fitting anywhere.
Lily
Check out Rails.
Pep
Tom and Lorenzo did a roundup on their site yesterday of some pretty summer dresses that may fit the bill for you. It’s titled “Lorenzo’s Picks for Summer Maxi Dresses!” but most look midi to me.
pugsnbourbon
I’m not a fan of tiered skirts or ruffles, so that eliminates about 90% of sundresses for sale right now.
I did see this one on Nordstrom Rack. Less ruffly overall, and I actually like the sleeves: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/free-people-aint-she-a-beaut-puff-sleeve-ruched-dress/5957397?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCasual&color=400
anon
The tiered skirts just don’t work with my personal style or vibe at all. Like I can’t even look in the mirror without cringing when I’ve tried them on; it’s that much of a mismatch. And yes, that does eliminate most dresses right now! The one you posted has potential.
pugsnbourbon
Check the rest of the Madewell stuff on Nordstrom Rack – these are both bra-friendly:
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/madewell-floral-print-wrap-minidress/7293567?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=800
https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/madewell-philly-stripe-cotton-midi-shirtdress/7407956?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=400
Anon
Check out Ann Taylor.
Anon
Michael Stars has some cute, non-rufflepuff ones at EverEve that you can wear a normal bra with.
NYNY
I 100% feel you. I just can’t with ruffles, tiered skirts, and puffed sleeves. There are some non-frilly options at JJill you might like.
This one is pretty: https://www.jjill.com/product/linen-a-line-maxi-dress?color=67M
And I like this in either black or blue: https://www.jjill.com/product/pure-jill-easy-a-line-maxi-dress-249641s-1?color=50D
Anonymous
I need some book recommendations. For vacation reading, so nothing to heavy (both literally and figuratively). I tend to read a lot of fantasy (including YA fantasy) and some historical fiction or non-fiction. Recent reads that I enjoyed include Seabiscuit, Splendid and the Vile, Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse books, S. A. Chakraborty’s Daevabad trilogy, Alix E. Harrow and Sarah Maas’s books. Have read (and enjoyed) everything by Brandon Sanderson and most of the usual YA fantasy suspects (Tamora Pierce, Robin McKinley, Diane Duane, Garth Nix, etc.) Often-recommended books I did not particularly like are the Broken Earth series and Temeraire series. Suggestions?
Anon
I like the Lady Emily series by Tasha Alexander – smart historical fiction, but still very easy to read.
Anon
Leigh Bardugo’s Alex Stern series (Ninth House, He l l Bent)
A Legend of Orisha Series by Tomi Adeyemi (Children of Blood and Bone, Children of Virtue and Vengeance)
Villians series by VE Schwab (Vicious and Vengeful)
The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon
The Divisne Cities series by Robert Jackson Bennett
Anon
Maybe a little heavy, but In Memoriam by Alice Winn is a WWI romance. The Atlas Six for YA fantasy. Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld is just a modern day romantic comedy, but a good vacation read.
Anon
+1 for Romantic Comedy, although it’s not YA or historical. It’s not my favorite Sittenfeld book but definitely a good breezy vacation read. The Bodyguard by Katherine Center is another good book in the same vein.
Anon
Highly recommend everything by Sittenfeld particularly American Wife and Rodham if OP likes fiction inspired by real people.
Anon
I really liked both those books but heads up that they have some fairly graphic s3x-scenes. I have friends (and my mom, lol) who were really uncomfortable with the scenes in Rodham in particular, since it’s expressly about real people. American Wife is just “inspired by” Laura Bush and the names are changed, so I think that makes it a little less cringey for some people.
anon
Oooh yeah, those are GOOD.
Anonymous
I’m currently reading through my kids Rick Riordon books, they are a fun take on mythology, if that’s something that might interest you.
Anom
The very secret society of irregular witches
Anon
I have similar tastes and I really enjoy Margaret Rogerson. Try Vespertine or A Sorcery of Thorns. You may also like Holly Black – try The Cruel Prince.
Explorette
Nettle and Bone
DC Inhouse Counsel
The Drowning Empire Trilogy by Andrea Stewart
Weyward by Emilia Hart (similar vibe to Alix E. Harrow’s Once and Future Witches)
The Locked Tomb Series by Tamsyn Muir (this series is a little out there, but every person I’ve recommended it to has loved it once they’ve gotten past the initial WTF am I reading)
Anon
The first book in the Locked Tomb series was so good, but I was really disappointed by the rest of the series. The second book was tough to get through and I completely gave up part way through the third. It was like the author hated her readers and was deliberately trying to be as obnoxious to them as she possibly could. But if the series sounds appealing to you, the first book was good enough that I’d still recommend it.
Curious
What about the Golden Enclave series?
Senior Attorney
I’m in the middle of The Thief, first in The Queen’s Thief YA series by Megan Whalen Turner, and really enjoying it.
Curious
Ohhh those are so good.
AnonSatOfc
I just read The House Witch series and it was a cute cozy fantasy – royal intrigue + magic + great characters. 3 books and longer (400-500 pp each, I think).
anon
Some fantasies/cozy fantasy I have enjoyed recently: Can’t spell treason without tea as a cozy fantasy, Legends and Lattes, The invisible library series. If you like sci-fi/fantasy you may also want to check out becky chambers.. I like her stuff when i am in the mood for something fun/light. I second the person who recommended very secret society of irregular witches, that was a fun read.
An.On.
Melina Marchetta did a fantasy trilogy starting with Finnikin of the Rock, but it gets into darker places (war crimes, genocide, etc) than most YA fantasy does.
Although they’re older books, if you haven’t read Sherwood Smith’s Court Duel/Crown Duel set (most versions are published in a single volume) and Sharon Shinn’s Summers at Castle Auburn, I highly recommend both.
Anonymous
OP here–Court Duel/Crown Duel is actually one of my favorite books!
DC Anon
You have great taste! Here are some of my fantasy recs, mix of old and new releases.
-Maria V. Snyder’s Poison Study series
-Naomi Novik’s Scholomance trilogy
-Bone Shard Daughter by Andrea Stewart
-Lynette Noni’s Prison Healer trilogy
-Cruel Prince by Holly Black
-Song of Wraiths and Ruin by Roseanne Brown
-Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews
-R.F. Kuang’s Poppy War trilogy
-A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine
-Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo
-Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs
-Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon (although this is a big book so would be heavy for vacation unless you do an e-book)
anon
A really fun new release: The Daydreams. An early 2000’s teen sensation group comes back together for a reunion. Loved the plot and nostalgia
JD
Have you ever read Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books? I particularly love the books with the witches, and it’s funny/light reading.
Edna Mazur
In case you are still looking:
Carve the Mark series , Veronica Roth
A Winter’s Promise, Christelle Dabos
The Starless Sea, Erin Morgenstern
Shades of Magic series, V.E. Schwab
The Midnight Library, Matt Haig
The Humans, Matt Haig
Caraval series, Stephanie Garber
Piranesi, Susanna Clarke
The House in the Cerulean Sea, TJ Klune
Have you tried any other of NK Jemisin’s series (Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, or The Killing Moon)?
Anon
Has anyone with ADHD (or a kid with ADHD) done the testing where they click a thing in response to light flashes (similar to what I do at the eye doctor’s)? It gives you a quantitative score re misfires (impulsivity) and misses (distractedness), etc.
We have long known that kiddo has ADHD (combined type) but no ADHD medicine ever worked. Providers have come and gone and our pediatrician kicked us to a psychiatrist (throwing up her hands), who only worked via zoom and then kept cancelling appointments (in a big practice where no other provider ever offered to step in or take us on). Anywho, we switched to another psychiatrist who met with us in person and did testing and OMG, kiddo is like a 93 on a 100 point scale and I feel like rotten parent that this is a BIG problem and kiddo has been really struggling not to drown in school and activities in a way that we now have way to point to something and say “this is a big problem even though kiddo is not disruptive in class [just has a LOT of quiet stims].” I know that later is better than nothing but this has been like a 7 year journey.
We have a new ADHD med to try (which will be an insurance battle if it works) now — wish us all the good luck pls
Anon
I did, as an adult testing for ADHD after disastrous entry into a law firm after an otherwise stellar academic career until then. My great creative energy / bad eye for detail MO finally caught up with me. The diagnosis helped be feel better about myself, and to accept that – no matter how bad I wanted to – that type of firm life wasn’t going to work for me.
I tried a few meds and they helped with concentration, but made everything else in my life worse – I lost an unhealthy amount of weight, I couldn’t sleep, I was super irritable all the time, I got intractable headaches. I’m not on meds now, and in a field where my strengths are an asset and my weaknesses aren’t a deal-breaker.
Anonymous
I did a test with eye flashes, and a test with sounds. If anything those tests under report ADHD I think because its a new thing we’re trying our best to focus on.
The sound one I was able to focus more because I could look around the room rather than having to focus only on the screen. The light one was hard to maintain focus. It definitely showed my distraction levels.
You’re not a rotten parent. You’re doing your best in a healthcare system that’s broken. If nothing else, your kid knows there is a reason he is struggling and its not a mark against him.
Good luck. I hope the new med helps. (For me, I need a combination of stimulant and non-stimulant medication and also need to create as much structure as I can to support me when the meds are active)
Anonymous
start an ADHD med log, we’re on try #20 now for a combo that works. good luck, it’s a real problem. i and my kids don’t do well with ADHD meds so you may want to help your child develop systems for the deficits – if you want to get more specific we could help you?
Lifer
I have a young relative that is graduating from high school this year. Only child, going to college in the fall, summer trip with her best friends traveling in Europe this summer.
Can you think of a small/fun/cute gift? Either something for college/dorm room, or something small to help with her summer travel adventure? I will give her $$ as the main gift.
She’s hard to buy for. She doesn’t really want “stuff”, likes shopping at Goodwill more than buying clothes, hiking/reading/hanging with her friends are her favorite social activities. When I offered to buy her a sweatshirt or tumbler etc.. to celebrate when college she got into, she said …. no.
Anon
I am already paying for a GreenLight debit card for my kid, so I was able to add one for my nephew (similar situation) for no additional cost. They will always have books to buy and snacks they want to eat (and can be linked to their Venmo or Splitwise or whatever). Ready cash doesn’t take up any space. I haven’t sent him a tangible gift in years (and it seems that college kids don’t check their mailboxes, so a care package would have rotted unused).
Lily
Something for travels would be nice. Cute leather passport/documents holder (very useful, I’ve had mine for years), monogrammed suitcase tag, plug / voltage adapter kit, nice toiletry bag (just see if she has one already). Travel journal? I loved keeping a travel journal during my college graduation trip.
OOO
When I was her age my sister got me a Lodis passport holder and I still love it.
But echoing the comments below, if she doesn’t want stuff just give her cash, maybe in euros or something
NYCer
Does she have a kindle? Makes it easier to read while traveling.
Anon
Counterpoint, I use an iPad mini with the kindle app and have never done anything more with an actual kindle than toss it in a drawer to regift.
Anon
+1 my parents got me a Kindle for I think college graduation and I’ve never used it. I still prefer reading physical books, and when I’m traveling I just use the free kindle app for my phone.
here she goes
Counterpoint to the counterpoint :) I have a kindle and an iPad and and the kindle is by far my favorite electronic device. When mine broke last year I immediately went and bought a new one. I do not like the kindles that are pretend tablets – just give me the version that has a built in reading light.
Cat
+1000, I love that I can toss a Kindle in my beach bag and read without squinting, and that I can leave my devices behind at bedtime and just curl up with a dedicated thing.
Cat
If she doesn’t have Precheck & Global Entry can you offer to cover the fee for her? It’s around $100.
Cat
oh also, if she’s going to be on budget Europe airlines, get her a duffel or small suitcase that meets EasyJet standards?
Anon
There wouldn’t be time to get it before the summer though. It takes months to schedule the interview unless you do the thing where you interview on arrival from an international flight.
Cat
Worth checking depending on where the kid is located. Clicking around the Global Entry interview page, some of the smaller locations have appointments tomorrow!
https://ttp.cbp.dhs.gov/schedulerui/schedule-interview/location?lang=en&vo=true&returnUrl=ttp-external&service=UP
Cat
um, as does DFW, if there are any Texas r-tt-s around…
Anon
Whoa, good to know! We waited at least six months in Chicago and gave up and did it spontaneously after arriving on an international flight, which was surprisingly smooth. But I’m assuming this kid doesn’t have additional international travel planned between now and a summer trip to Europe (if she does, I’m jealous…)
Cat
You can also benefit from cancellations! When I was randomly clicking earlier, ORD showed a spot open in like two weeks. Looking again, the DFW one for tomorrow just disappeared.
At least the actual approval is typically fast. I got mine while on the ride home from the appointment!
Anon
Maybe one of those tiny booklights that are the thickness of a bookmark? I find mine really useful for traveling or any time I want to read a book when sharing a room with others who want to sleep. My bookstore has them on the same display as the bookmarks. For bonus points, get the replacement batteries too — they are sold at drugstores but might be a pain to figure out mid-trip.
Anon
I have one of these from the river site that’s USB chargeable. Love it.
Anon
I am this kind of person. I really don’t want stuff. Especially at this stage of life when she doesn’t have a lot of space to keep stuff, It’s just going to get trashed or given away and it just makes me feel feel bad when people give me stuff that’s wasted.
Anon
+1. If she says she doesn’t want stuff, I’d just do cash or gift cards. This describes me exactly, down to the only child status and the fact that I did a Europe trip with a BFF the summer after high school graduation. When I read this post I wondered if you time-traveled from 2003 ;) Although I did appreciate school apparel, but if she’s expressly said she doesn’t want that, I wouldn’t buy it.
anon
+2 no stuff means no stuff!!
anon
Towels for her dorm room? ID holder or pouch? Personalized laundry bag? No matter how much you don’t like stuff, you need some basic items!
Anon
This! I love the towels idea – nice, fluffy towels (maybe even monogrammed) are practical and fun.
anon
It’s almost embarrassing how long I used the towels I received for my graduation, which had my name monogrammed on them. They held up well!
Curious
That’s so lovely :)
Anecdata
oh! my grandma sent me a laundry bag with backpack straps when I was in college and it was /the best/
but if she doesn’t like stuff, and you want to do something more personal along with cash, a note with some things you’re proud of her for/admire about her/etc can be really powerful at that age, especially from the not-parents-adults in a teens life
Curious
I hate to say this, and I’m trying to say it without being an a$$, but I was a no stuff person at that age, and I really wouldn’t have wanted these things. Personalization in particular, while practical at college, felt infantilizing (to me! then!). It also makes it hard to pass things on if they’re not serving you.
Anon
I agree.
here she goes
Towels are a great graduation gift. My mom gave towels to all high school graduates for years and years. I still have the set she gave me 15 years later.
Anon
Does she have a travel plug converter thingy? Or maybe some Euros?
Senior Attorney
+1 to both of these and agree that “no stuff” means “no stuff.”
anonshmanon
Euro notes are cash but maybe will satisfy the stuff category for you (since you have to go to the bank to get them). Also practical if she goes to some little cafe where they won’t take credit cards!
phillyanon
Give the cash in euros! She’ll get excited having the currency in her wallet leading up to the trip :)
For a small tangible gift, what about a power pack/external battery for her cell phone? Useful for travel and college life.
anon
+1 to cash in euros. It’s so nice to have local currency on arrival, even if you have access to no-fee ATMs once you’re there.
Curious
Oh I love this idea.
Anon
Don’t do this – Europe is basically cashless these days. I just went and couldn’t spend paper money if I’d wanted to.
Anon
+1 million! I’ve said this on several threads about wedding gifts when people suggest euros in cash for the honeymoon. I have not taken cash out of an ATM on my last 4 or 5 trips to Europe. EVERYONE accepts credit cards here. I supposed you could give it away in tips, but tipping isn’t as big here as it is in the US, and also it feels kind of depressing to me to spend a gift entirely on tips vs a physical souvenir or special memory like a meal or tour. I know when I use our wedding gifts I think of the people who gave them, and a special experience can be memorable the same way, but I don’t think I’d look back fondly on tipping a bunch of bellhops 5 euros each.
Anonymous
I have a brightly-colored luggage tag that wraps around the handle of my suitcase via Velcro. Inside is a place to put your contact info. I am sure this came from Container Store. It is such a little thing but I have really appreciated how easy it makes picking out my suitcase from all the other similar luggage. Bonus – it takes up no space.
anon
I think gift cards get a bad wrap, you can make them personal for people who don’t like stuff. If she likes hiking, what about a US park pass or membership to all trails. I loved getting starbucks gift cards as a college student, since it was such a popular hangout spot. For an actual “thing”.. Does she like to take pictures? My nieces actually really loved the mini iphone printer i got them. I think i got the fujifilm one, but can’t remember. They liked to decorate their walls with some of those mini pictures. Does she have an amazon wish list that’s public? Or do you know their plans for travel? this is a very know your audience thing, but my mom bought a set of tickets to see a show in west end in london for myself and my friends when we went and it was such an amazing experience (but obviously a pricey option)
Anon
I think Euros are a great idea.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
For Europe:
Euros are great. In the UK everything is mostly cashless.
Do you know which countries she’ll be in? She might be in a country where some amzon money is useful – unless she’s boicotting river shopping. (In Italy you can pay for train tickets, in Germany you can get things delivered for pickup locations etc)
For travelling, there are som actual physical things I can think of, but she might of course think they are stupid clutter.
I have had a lot of use from: neck pillow for long haul or long train rides. I like the inflatable ones with a flat back and puffy sides.
A titanium carabiner (REI or similar) to put on a backpack to hang stuff from (water bottle or drying bikini). Titanium spork could also work – reusable, lightweight and zero plastic.
Emergency backpack – there are some super strong and water repellant ones that pack down to a mini thing from brands like Osprey and Sea to Summit (they are pricey at around 30 dollars, but worth it), they are surprisingly comfortable and weigh nothing. If she’s living out of a backpack, she might enjoy one of these for grocery runs, day trips or laundry.
High quality compressing packing cubes (osprey is great): one for shoes is useful, and one compressing in a medium size (the ones that are sized like a hardback book). Cheap, amaz cubes just to organize luggage is not useful, less and better quality is more useful.
Anon
I’ve been to Italy, Spain, Portugal and France post-Covid and everything is cashless there too.
Anonymous
Depends on what you meean by “stuff”. At a restaurant, a cash tip will be super well received. (NOT expected because not-US, but well received).
At a beach stabilimenti (where you rent your sunbed), cash is very welcome. You CAN pay by card a lot, but the cash is not superfluous. Euro notes are not obsolete. At all.
Anon
She sounds like she doesn’t want stuff, or at least not new stuff. My daughter is the same. It’s for ethical/environmental reasons. Give her some cash for her summer travel adventure and a heartfelt card. Don’t get her stuff she doesn’t want. Seriously.
London cabs
Any of you who have been to London or visited in the past few months: Are credit cards more widely accepted by the black cabs now?
I know they were “required” to have them back in 2016, but when I was last there in 2018 and 2019, I’d often encounter drivers who refused to take the cards. I don’t generally carry around a bunch of cash with me, and I guess I’d just use Uber if it becomes an issue.
Cb
I’m in Scotland and post pandemic, cabs are almost all cards now. The only time I encounter cash only is when someone’s trying to do an off the books job.
I mostly pay via app but these days.
Anon
Was just there and they only take tap pay. No cash. See my comment above – the UK/EU have basically gone cashless.
Anon
Anyone here have experience with a sleep apea diagnosis where a CPAP did NOT help?
My husband was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea after a sleep study and got a CPAP and it made him feel worse. He tried it for about a month and then went to his doctor to follow up and she said to return the machine but did not offer much in way of solutions, other than losing weight. He did gain about 30 lbs since COVID but his snoring/sleep issues go back to middle school, way before the weight gain. She told him to sleep on his side and he’s trying but he’s naturally a back sleeper. I had so many hopes pinned on the CPAP — the snoring drives me crazy but so does the fact that he’s never well rested which leads to all sorts of other problems.
Anon
That’s really disappointing! Was the machine uncomfortable, or he just didn’t feel more rested? I imagine it must’ve helped with the snoring at least? I wonder if he could ask about a BiPAP; I’ve heard they may be a bit more comfortable.
Lifer
Is he seeing a sleep specialist currently, to help? Either a pulmonologist or neurologist that sees only sleep patients?
FYI – 1 month isn’t a long enough trial. It often takes several months for people to find the right mask, find the right settings, get used to the CPAP. Most people just give up because they think it is uncomfortable, or the mask leaks, or is irritating etc… All of these things can be fixed/changed. But most people don’t have the right doctors/specialists helping them. Sadly, most people give up just like your husband.
Who supplied him with the CPAP machine? When he started having trouble, did you call the company and as to speak with the respiratory techs for advice? Did he try a different mask? Did he call the doctor’s office and ask for advice before giving up? Sleep doctors often work with nurses who can help trouble shoot by phone. Sometimes you go in person and meet with a respiratory therapist for advice. Sometimes you have to have another sleep study, while wearing the CPAP device, to see how to adjust things.
Also, there are a lot of discussion groups online about sleep apnea. They are a fantastic source of information. Your husband needs to get on one and start taking care of his health.
Severe sleep apnea is so dangerous long term that I recommend finding another doctor ASAP who is a specialist.
They can be very hard to get in to see, as so many people have sleep apnea these days as it is a common complication with weight gain. We literally had to schedule appointments more than a year ahead for my relative that had severe sleep apnea with the best doctor in our area. Get on the waiting list, and call/logon to the websites to try to get a last minute cancellation a couple times a week.
Meanwhile, you could get an opinion from an ENT doctor. Some people can get some benefit from surgery, but for most people with sleep apnea surgery is NOT appropriate, so definitely see a Sleep specialist too.
Severe sleep apnea is so bad for your heart/brain, increasing your risk of strokes/heart attacks/dementia and of course, makes you sleep deprived every day. My father literally would fall asleep while driving until his sleep apnea was treated. Your husband needs to aggressively start losing weight, if he isn’t able to tolerate CPAP now and until he gets in with new doctors. His life depends on it. And your sanity depends on it. He has to fix this – both for himself, and for you.
Lifer
Also, meanwhile he can try sleeping on a wedge pillow, and definitely on his side.
Really – this is no joke. He has to learn how to sleep on his side, or pull on his big boy pants and get this treated.
Anon
This is really upsetting to me – my husband was diagnosed by his ENT with severe sleep apnea, and is waiting for a CPAP (apparently there’s a nationwide shortage). He has a lot of hesitation about using it even when he gets it because of the discomfort he had during the testing. Meanwhile, his GP (who I don’t think highly of) blithely told him “oh, a lot of people can’t adjust to it” so now my husband just figures it’s not a big deal. I am infuriated that he’s not concerned about this major health issue.
Anon
He has a crappy doctor. He needs a sleep specialist. A Sleep doctor would NEVER act like your husband’s GP. Most GP doctors don’t have the time/knowledge/energy to fight with their patients to help them to comply, and most patients (especially men!) are not good about advocating for themselves, or doing what is best for their health.
One you find the right mask/machine for you, it is a revelation. He’ll never want to sleep without it again. But it takes time, and patience. And it is so worth it.
OP
I didn’t go into it in detail, but he is seeing a sleep specialist who spent over 45 minutes with him on the initial appointment, again discussing the results of the sleep study, and he had multiple follow ups with other people in her office and with people from the CPAP machine sending place, and they sent him multiple face masks to try. Numerous adjustments were also tried. Which is why I am so disappointed. I know a month isn’t much but during that month he got very little sleep because he was struggling so much with the machine and was seriously struggling with the sleep deprivation, which is why his doctor told him to discontinue.
I’m a heavy sleeper so the snoring really isn’t much of an issue for me personally most of the time — it’s no more disruptive of my sleep than my cat is. So my concern is mostly for him.
anon for this
I have no advice, only commiseration. My husband has not been well rested in 10+ years. He finally saw a sleep specialist before covid, did the overnight study, got a CPAP, and tried it for about 2 weeks before he just gave up. Insurance won’t pay for another machine since he already has one, and he doesn’t want to try something else because he’s convinced nothing will work. I know it’s cutting years off his life and he just won’t try anything else.
Anon
Sleep apnea is a very serious health issue, so this is a big deal regardless of whether or not his snoring is annoying you. I would push the doctor or find a different doctor if this one is not helpful. They should do a sleep study with the CPAP to understand why it’s not working. FWIW, my dad is obese and a CPAP solved his sleep apnea issues. Weight loss is helpful with most medical issues, but it’s not the only solution for this problem.
Party Animal
Was he able to try more than one kind of CPAP machine? Like yours, my husband has severe sleep apnea and has snored since he was a child. He had to try out a few different machines before landing on the one that works. The first few he tried were the more “low profile” types, and he ended up with one with a full mask covering his mouth and nose and straps that hold it to his head. Sometimes he still snores a bit if the air seal on the mask is broken, but he can readjust or turn over and stop snoring.
Anon
I’ve read that more than half of people that try CPAPs give up on them, so it’s clearly very common, but I don’t have any actual advice, sorry! Just want to make sure you know that it’s not a rare outcome or your husband’s fault.
Anon
There are different kinds of machines, and sometimes they need careful adjusting by a respiratory therapist. Some people really need BiPAP if the continuous airway pressure is messing with exhalation.
Anon
This blouse is gorgeous.
Senior Attorney
Oof… sad news. Remember Dooce? She had struggles these past years and she’s died! So sad! Those poor girls… https://www.instagram.com/p/CsERc9lR_XC/?hl=en
anon
WHAT?! Holy sh!t.
anon
Oh my goodness! That’s awful. I remember her from the early days of blogging. So sad.edf
H13
OMG. What?!
Anonymous
oh no! i remember reading she’s had a lot of struggles with depression and even paranoia maybe in recent years? i hope her kids are ok.
Anon
Holy shit, her poor kids.
Anon
Oh no. She was so clearly struggling lately.
Annony
Oh my god!
Anon
Oh wow. I remember reading something about her struggles on GOMI, and although it was kind of entertaining I remember thinking hey that’s a real person who is clearly not well. Her poor children.
Anon
OMG! She was my role model as a blogger. This is such sad news
Anonymous
does anyone else have a quick temper? how do you think it’s affected your family? have you done anything to help with it?
since becoming a mother i’d say i’m much more aware of how quick i am to start yelling, but also how quickly we’re laughing again. but i feel like i owe it to my ND child to emotionally coregulate him, so i’m not entitled to be like that anymore.
Senior Attorney
I think you’re right — please don’t yell at your child. I yelled at my child when she was little and I hated it, and I went to therapy and got over it and things were much better for everybody.
Anon
I don’t have a quick temper, but I grew up with parents who did. Thank you for recognizing it’s an issue and getting help for it. It’s really really really not okay (and it wouldn’t be okay even if your child was not ND).
Plus I bet you’ll also feel better when you feel more regulated. I have had years of therapy called DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). Mine was for anxiety, but I think some of the principles would be the same for anger. It changed my life dramatically, in a good way, to learn how to experience my emotions in a healthy way. Perhaps look into this type of therapy.
Anon
I grew up with a mother who was a yeller (screamer) and it was absolutely horrible and still impacts me to this day. Please seek out help.
Anonymous
I was afraid of my mother growing up. That is the primary feeling I have about her from my childhood, even though she was a good parent in many many ways and things are different now. It was more than just yelling but not physical abuse (mostly). I have recently learned that my sister shares in this. It’s not good. It had some major consequences for my own behavior. (In fact, one consequence was that I got TSS because I was too afraid to make noise to get a new tampon after returning late from babysitting one night. She got pretty mad at me for that, too.) If you can change, you should.
Anonymous
OP here – this isn’t the kind of thing that would set me off. Think more like flicking dirty tampons at my head repeatedly while I calmly say “please stop” at increasing volumes before I get really pissed off and scream.
Anonymous
That doesn’t sound like a quick temper to me, honestly.
anon
I have to agree there.
Colette
My husband’s mother has an incredibly quick temper and it’s exhausting to be around. She’s actually a very funny warm person mostly, but it’s not enough. My husband has done a lot of therapy about it as an adult to work through his childhood issues about it.
It’s gotten worse as she ages and honestly we interact with her in a much more limited way because her temper is so hard.
I’d encourage you to get help.
Anon
Even if you didn’t have a child, you aren’t entitled to lose it on another person (I say as someone who also has a hot temper and struggles). It’s true that parenting can be very provoking and grind you down to the breaking point, but you need to remind yourself you are the adult and you need to find other ways to cope (taking a break and yelling into a pillow, going to therapy, etc). This is the refining work of becoming a better person.
Anon
I do notice that when I’m stressed with work I’m much faster to raise my voice and my husband does the same. For us, it helps we are both aware of it and intervene to give the other a bit of space; usually that is enough to make us realize we were losing our temper and help us calm down/ I’ve also done a lot of work on dealing with my stress this year – better boundaries at work, meditation, long quiet walks, scheduled check ins to check how I’m feeling with journaling, building in time each week to check in with a friend – and it has honestly made a significant difference. I find I’ve been a lot calmer and a lot better at noticing when I’m short tempered and controlling it instead of yelling.