Thursday’s Workwear Report: Oversized Poplin Shirt

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1. I’m on sertraline for anxiety and depression. It works! It prevents me from having depressive episodes and helps me function. But I have slowly, steadily put on an extra 10-15 pounds that will not BUDGE over the course of 5-6 years on it. I haven’t changed my eating habits. I work out 5 days a week. I get 10,000 steps a day. Im active! And I’ve been that way for like 15 years, so this is not new.

   I’m in good shape but my body doesn’t feel like mine. I’m convinced it’s the meds. This couldn’t be middle age, could it? Sometimes I wonder if I should try going off the meds to see if I magically drop the weight, but then of course I’m also risking sliding back into anxious and depressive episodes…

   Has anyone successfully gone off sertraline or Zoloft and been able to cope? How was it?

   1. Maybe just explore why 10 pounds is so upsetting in therapy instead of throwing away your mental health over vanity

      1. Thanks! Super helpful!

      2. this is not a helpful response to the OP. OP- i’ve been on sertraline for a while. I did gain weight when I first started, but that is highly likely because I was also eating my feelings while eating a pint of ice cream a day. i did then manage to lose weight. you might be able to try a lower dose, which I did for a while. I was very close to going completely off of it, but I got cold feed and haven’t had a good time. (i was always moving, switching jobs, dealing with a sick parent, becoming a new mom, dealing with death of a parent, etc.). i would talk to your doctor about it.

      3. This board is so eager for everyone to pack on weight. It’s bizarre. You have no idea how much that is for OP; on my 4’11” frame, ten pounds is several pants sizes, and the difference between managed GERD and out-of-control GERD.

         1. THANK YOU. I am very short. This isn’t vanity weight—it’s the difference between a healthy and non-healthy BMI.

         2. Meanwhile, our numbers of T2 diabetes and the related wear and tear on our bodies from being prediabetes are NBD I guess.

         3. Yep, exactly. Meanwhile, I’m 5’10” and that’s not even a full pant size. I can bloat that much after a weekend away! The meaning of a specific weight number is so attached to height, you can’t commentate otherwise. My healthy weight range goes up to 170+lbs! Which would be morbidly obese for someone significantly shorter than me!

            1. Meanwhile I’m 5’10” and 10 lbs would be 1.5 dress sizes for me (assuming form fitting).

            2. good point! it even varies within height ranges!

         4. I disagree–this board is overall very much in favor of controlling and losing weight. The threads on these topics are always popular, and at most 1-2 people will suggest a different approach while everyone else discusses diet and weight loss strategies.

            When someone has mentioned a specific health condition that is worsening as indicated by weight gain, I’ve never seen anyone dismiss that concern.

            1. I would deeply prefer that the diet threads be prominently labeled so I can avoid them, as they often feature suggestions of deeply disordered eating.

            2. 11:40- I agree. But honestly the entire internet needs a warning for this kind of content.

            3. Deeply disordered eating? That is like Insta and the like. I have not seen that here unless you consider IF to be deeply disordered.

            4. Collapse thread is right there. You never have to read this far down. Why would a post like this require a label? You only have to glance at the initial post to know what it’s about.

      4. It’s interesting to me that your default assumption is that the OP is vain. There is a challenging emotional component to weight changes due to illness/medication treating illness (like depression). Every time you look in the mirror you see a body that looks and feels very different than the one you had before you were sick/medicated. Even when you are feeling good and your symptoms are controlled, it’s a daily reminder of your illness. It’s not vanity.

         1. +1. While I appreciate body positivity, I almost think it’s swinging too far in the direction of ignoring very real problems. Weight isn’t a be-all, end-all statement of health, but it CAN be an indicator of something else going on. (I gained a lot of weight while trying BCPs to even out some hormonal imbalances and I’m still really freaking mad about it. Two years later, it’s proving to be VERY difficult to lose and it now puts me in the overweight category for BMI.)

            1. Also mad about BCP weight gain that I’m struggling to lose. They did not even anything out hormonally anyway, so I really wish I just hadn’t taken them! A few months of not having periods while racking up BCP side effects and gaining weight was really not worth it.

            2. Hear, hear 10:27. I went on it against my better judgment, but was so desperate for something, anything to help. Wasn’t worth it.

      5. this is just plain mean.

         1. I think it’s crabs in a bucket mentality

            1. Or some of us have recovered from eating disorders and prefer not to read about people hating their bodies first thing in the morning. But hey, feel free to throw judgement around. It’s apparently what you’re good at.

            2. Oh so you want to project your own problems on everyone else by leaving rude comments? If it’s that triggering for you, why would you even engage?

            3. Wanting to lose weight doesn’t necessarily mean hating your body. I have gained some menopause weight and would like to lose it, because I feel healthier about 8-10 lbs lighter. But I don’t hate my body – it functions well, it looks okay in the scheme of things, and in the right clothes, I think I look really nice! Nonetheless, I’m trying, through exercise and trying to be a little more aware of what I eat, to lose some weight.

      6. Why be mean? Especially to someone who starts her post by stating she has anxiety and depression. Perhaps start by applauding her for treating the anxiety and depression; some people here can jump all over those who haven’t gotten that treatment. Additionally, 10 pounds matters—even if it only matters to how she looks, it matters. I’m quite tall and yet would be quite disappointed about gaining 10 pounds.
         OP, I don’t have suggestions for you because it sounds like you’re doing the right things that most people think of initially to address weight gain. But I understand why this is something you want to change, and I support your desire to do so regardless of what the reasons are for wanting those changes. Internet hugs to you.

      7. That’s not what she asked. Not neurotic to not want to be 10 pounds heavier.

   2. I do not have your exact circumstances but I deeply sympathize. I am past menopause and have the “menopot.” Formerly, my one saving grace was a super-flat stomach, even after two children, which helped balance my extreme pear shape. I also have an extra 10-15 pounds. It’s extremely distressing. Nothing fits.

      Again, I cannot advise about the medications but in your shoes I’d get medical advise and see if you were a candidate for any of the new ($$$) diet drugs or even liposuction.

      NB– That’s what I would do; please don’t attack. All I’m saying is, I understand the despair and how it affects one’s life.

      1. I also am developing the menopause belly. Have you looked into lipo or other procedures for this? Are you considering it for yourself?

         1. I AM, yes! I can’t stand it, as I don’t feel I “deserve” it! I’ve researched local doctors, and searched on other plastic surgeon’s blogs for what to do in the meantime–like, to make sure I’ve done all I can before I see a doctor. So I’m really trying to cut down (needs no explanation, right?), REALLY cut down carbs, emphasizing protein at every meal, and I do serious weight training with a trainer. I’m just waiting for a month or so for various reasons for a consult.

            I meant what I said to the OP — I am truly miserable and I can’t wear anything. It’s been the same 4 smock-like dresses and 3 yoga pants all winter. I’ll be darned if I buy new clothes. These are big enough.

            1. Gently, being overweight isn’t about whether you deserve it or not. Some therapy might help unpack that. Ouch

            2. Gently, being overweight isn’t about whether you deserve it or not. Some therapy might help unpack that. Ouch

            3. Hence the quote marks. I would feel I “deserved” it if I had eaten my way to large hips or a stomach pooch. But a menopot? The result of hormonal changes that I earned by existing for a certain number of decades? Nah.

            4. So you do understand that even if you put yourself on an extreme diet and get liposuction, etc. your body is aging and is going to continue to age, and once you are past 50, going back to looking the way you did at 25 is not going to be possible? No matter how much plastic surgery you get.

               There’s some really pathological, toxic ageism that emerges on this board and it’s very concerning to me. I worry about younger women reading here and thinking that it’s normal or okay to be horrified that the body someone has at 45, 50, 55 isn’t going to be the same one they have at 25, 30, 35. For me this is not about weight so much as it is about acceptance of the idea that aging happens to everyone and there is a healthy way to embrace how our bodies change as we age, rather than panicking and undergoing expensive, painful, and not-likely-to-succeed-long-term procedures to fight off any sign of aging. I am 45 and am struggling with central weight redistribution (I actually lost weight in the pandemic but somehow, my existing weight is all heading straight for my abdomen). I don’t love it but the bottom line is that just like my mind is different than it was when I was 25, my body is different as well. The deep self-hatred that emerges in these discussions is troubling to me and absolutely ties back into diet culture, the patriarchy, the idea that women are meant to be decorative, and a whole bunch of other toxic BS that I feel like women on this board should at least be aware of, if not past, by now.

            5. I’m losing weight radically to cancer. I’m eating a ton, and my stomach has never been flatter. I wonder where that falls on the deserve scale?

            6. Anonymous at 1:20… So sorry.

            7. Thank you, 12:21. This stuff is so overwhelming, and I notice that every tiny sprinkling of comments challenging diet culture, fatphobia or ageism seems to be met with a much stronger backlash from the mainstream viewpoint, which has been in the strong majority all along and is barely ever contested anywhere in any form. (See above in the thread.) For anyone else with an ED history or who is otherwise done, meet my large graying a$$ on the Maintenance Phase podcast!

            8. We are allowed to not be happy about our belly fat without someone screaming about ageism or fatphobia. I want to look nice in my clothes and it is harder to find clothes that flatter a big belly. If you are happy with your belly, good for you.

         2. I want to be checked for fibroids since I’m not convinced it’s all weight redistribution; I’m worried there’s internal swelling or something.

      2. Ugh, this sounds very familiar. Even in perimenopause, it’s getting harder to keep the flat stomach, which has always been the saving grace of my straight torso/pear-shaped bottom.

         OP, it’s possible that it’s the sertraline, but it’s also possible that it’s aging. I would have a conversation with your doctor. First, to confirm whether the 10 pounds is negatively affecting your health. Second, to see if there are other options. I also have been on sertraline for 3+ years now, and I can tell you that I’d rather have the slightly overweight BMI than to go without the medication. But YMMV, and maybe there are other options.

   3. Talk to your doctor! Many psychiatrists like to add Wellbutrin to an SSRI to combat this side effect. Your primary care doctor may be able to check your A1C or otherwise test you for metabolic syndrome. But if you’re happy on sertraline, I would not risk a med change. If you did want to quit sertraline, that’s something you would want to do under medical supervision (SSRI discontinuation syndrome is a big, big deal when it happens).

   4. I feel you. I am also short, and 10-15 pounds makes a huge difference. I was also on sertraline a few years ago for a little while and also was pretty sure it made me gain weight. I did not drop the weight when I went off of it, but I also had another medical issue crop up at the same time to make me gain weight, so who knows. I will say that my doctor had me wean off the sertraline very slowly because withdrawal is a very real concern. If you think you are at risk of sliding back into anxious and depressive episodes, you do need to stay on it.

      I can also say through personal experience that the only way I have ever lost weight is through diet. Exercise does not make me lose weight. If I can stay fully away from all processed foods and foods containing high amounts of sugar for 2-3 weeks I will absolutely lose at least 5 pounds, no need to count calories. This would be like a whole 30 or paleo (NOT keto) diet. It’s hard, and I’ve never been able to make it a permanent thing in my life, but if you can grab a friend or spouse to do it with you to be accountable to someone, you should try it.

   5. Could you talk to your doctor about lowering the dose? I don’t know how old you were when you went on but 15 years of age is going to change your body a lot, regardless of drugs. Maybe in addition to dropping your dose a tiny bit you can look in to mixing up your fitness routine, maybe adding weights?

      1. +1 for lifting weights. I don’t find it as satisfying as doing cardio, BUT it makes the most difference in my overall body shape.

   6. I know it’s a tough situation. I just wanted to comment to say that a close friend of mine was in the same situation and went off the meds. She lost the weight but her mental health declined a lot from an outside perspective. She went from slightly heavier and happy, fun-loving, and seemingly able to enjoy life to thinner and anxious and not seeming to get nearly as much enjoyment out of life. It didn’t seem like a good trade to us.

      1. That breaks my heart. Medication can be such a lifeline. :(

   7. Talk to your GP or OB about the weight gain and see what they suggest. There are a lot of options other than changing the med that has you stable.

   8. It’s great that the medication is working for you.

      I find that I gain or lose weight based upon my eating habits. Exercise is a bonus but doesn’t drive weight loss. What it can drive is muscle gain if I’m lifting heavy, plus an increased base metabolism from increasing my muscle mass.

      Do you feel like you can track your eating habits for a week and see how many calories you’re really taking in? There might be hidden things that are driving a higher intake – for me, if there are sweets around, it’s hard for me to not have them and then I end up over where I’d like to be for my daily calorie intake.

      What’s worked best for me is macro counting and not making any food off-limits, combined with lifting weights to help with body composition. So I’m trying to hit daily targets for carbs/protein/fat which then calculate out to a certain caloric intake. I typically weigh my food in grams but some things I eyeball now, like low cal veggies. No foods are off limits and I work in my treats, so I have Dove chocolate or a cookie planned into my day. I don’t meet it 100% of the time and I do have cheat meals (but not cheat days). If you feel like you can do this, I’d recommend it. It’s probably not a solution for everyone as it can trigger those who have had challenges with disordered eating. You’d start at a certain calorie/macro breakdown and then go with it for a few weeks to see if it impacts your weight. If you’re not losing, you can reduce your calories a little more and monitor again. But don’t start too low – those 1200 calorie diets are not nearly enough to fuel an adult.

      1. Finally a helpful comment. Not OP but following closely. Thank you

   9. My biggest anxiety is over my weight. Anti-anxiety meds make you gain weight. ARG.There is no hope.

      1. I had to laugh about this.

         My anxiety causes me to skip meals and not eat, and I loose a lot of weight. When my anxiety is well controlled, I eat a lot more and gain weight. But am so much healthier!

   10. I was in your exact shoes, and I switched to Wellbutrin. I didn’t like it quite as much as zoloft (wellbutrin made me feel less depressed but didn’t handle my anxiety quite as well–felt more like an upper), but it was much better for my mental health than going off entirely. I lost 6 of the 10 lbs pretty quickly (well, over three months) without any effort, but I also upped my thyroid meds so it’s hard to know which did it (and the thyroid med dose issue may have contributed to the zoloft weight gain).

   11. Hugs. No idea if its the medication, but I wanted to say you have the right to feel whatever you want about your body. Many people may tell you that you are wrong to feel certain things, but that’s more about them.

       You get to feel what you feel. It would be a wonderful world if everyone was happy with everything in their life, but that’s not real life. The only thing you need to do (and I’m only saying this as am example, it doesn’t apply to you) is not force your opinions onto others.

       In my case the 40+ belly spread is a miserable thing and I hate it. Just like you have the right to be unhappy with an extra 10 pounds, i have the right to be unhappy with my extra weight and i have the right to call myself f*t post-40. That doesn’t mean that I’m calling other people f*t, I’m calling myself fat and no one should read anything else into that statement.

       1. +1 so well put

   12. I was on Sertraline for about 3 years. I had gained weight while on it, but unclear if it was from the Sertraline or because I eat more when depressed.

       I went off of Sertraline this summer, having worked through a lot of issues in therapy and with my depression generally improved. I also started eating better at time I went off of it, and lost 15lbs- which I think was a combo of going off the Sertraline plus the diet change (and diminished depression). I lost weight faster than I normally would have with just diet changes.

   13. Yes, it very well could be the meds. I had a similar issue on Zoloft – although I didn’t realize it was the meds. But my weight wouldn’t budge, even if I cut calories way back and exercised more. I switched to Wellbutrin and bam – I’ve lost 25+ lbs. I was 143 before, now closer to 120. The best thing is – I didn’t have to make huge changes to what I was doing to lose this weight. The difference was once I was off Zoloft, my body started to respond to my efforts to eat healthier & move more.

2. I need recommendations for a fun, brainless movie. Maybe all the actors are hot or the scenery is really beautiful. No deep thoughts triggered please.

   I am exhausted. Toddler home all week because of a cold and my older kid has been in school just one day this week because of President’s Day, a teacher development day, and now a snow day.

   1. The first movie that popped into my head was live action Scooby Doo…..

   2. I love Emma. with Anna Taylor Joy for times like this. Beautiful costumes, scenery, and people, and a wonderful soundtrack.

      1. I don’t know what this says about me, but I found this movie hard to follow. I haven’t read the book though.

      2. Along those same lines, Pride & Prejudice. Maybe not totally brainless but so lovely.

      3. Orrrr Clueless if you are less sophisticated like me, ha ha

      4. I like the 1990s Emma with Gweneth Paltrow.

   3. Mr. Right (with Anna Kendrick, currently available on Netflix). The Spy Who Dumped Me. Spy (with Melissa McCarthy). The Man from UNCLE (pretty people and costumes).

   4. Not sure if you care about language, dirty humor, etc. But these are some I like:

      There’s Something About Mary
      Dumb and Dumber
      Bridesmaids
      Young Frankenstein
      Shrek (and the sequels)
      Monsters Inc
      Zoolander
      Scary Movies (1-4; the fifth one is awful)

   5. My mind wanders if things are too brainless, but I’m not talking deep thinking movies here. I loved A Simple Favor with Anna Kendrick and Blake Lively (murder mystery comedy), and am really into Inventing Anna on Netflix – 8 part mini series that’s pretty to watch with enough Shonda Rhimes paced suspense.

      1. Inventing Anna is soooooo good!

   6. this doesn’t meet the hot actors or beautiful scenery, but i like Father of the Bride

      1. Father of the Bride is my ultimate brainless, nostalgic guilty pleasure. Father of the Bride II is (IMO) also very watchable!

         Did anyone else grow up thinking that the house/family in Father of the Bride was the ultimate “goals”?

         1. Yes to the house! Still a dream house IMO

         2. Are we talking 1990s Father of the Bride or 1950s?

            1. 1990s all the way!

         3. You can drive by that house in Pasadena. It’s on El Molino, between California and Fillmore. The film takes place in San Marino, but none of the exteriors were filmed there (they’re very strict about filming). We would just laugh at all the San Marino references.

         4. Yes my mom was obsessed with that house. I still think it’s ultimate goals haha!

   7. Bridgerton.

   8. Not a movie, but definitely brainless…Love is Blind on Netflix. So dumb. So probably fake. And yet….

   9. Our whole family really enjoyed the Cruella origin-story movie. It’s set in a sort of 70s glam rock London fashion scene, so the visuals are delightful, the music is fun, and the story/characters are a great balance of fun/silly without being dumb.

      1. +1 to Cruella! I think it’s one of my favorite movies, no joke.

         1. It was so good. I was really pleasantly surprised.

   10. If you have peacock, JLO’s new movie Marry Me with Owen Wilson fits that description.

       1. That was my first thought too. It’s cheesy but cute.

   11. The Eurovision movie on Netflix! Utterly delightful.
       Also: Spy, the Downton Abbey movie, You’ve Got Mail (really most late 90s rom coms).

       1. I loved the Eurovision movie!

          If you want fluff and fun, might I recommend just about any Doris Day movie? The 1960s fashions are fun. So, off the top of my head, That Touch of Mink, Pillow Talk, and a less well-known one called Caprice (Doris is an industrial spy trying to find out the secret of waterproof hairspray. It’s awesomely silly).

   12. Barb and Star Go to Vista del Mar. Hysterical and Jamie Dornan is in it.

   13. 50 First Dates!

   14. This screams for a Bond movie.

   15. Thanks! I’m going to have a hard time choosing. Something to look forward to when I make to the end of what has already been a terrible day.

       1. Ugh hugs and solidarity to your already terrible day at 10:20am. I got an update yesterday that I’m dreading sharing in a 1pm meeting. Fork the supply chain that just keeps getting worse.

   16. That Thing You Do!
       Pride and Prejudice miniseries with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle
       Father of the Bride
       The Rookie
       Ramona and Beezus
       The Princess Diaries

   17. Binge watch The Great British Baking Show. It is colourful, nice slow quiet piano music, slow pace and everyone is funny and friendly. People help each other. I don’t bake but can’t get enough of the peace and niceness.

       1. Oh yes. I sob at every season finale, though.

   18. Crazy Rich Asians

       1. Yes! Or Pirates of the Caribbean.

       2. Crazy Rich Asians is so good. I thought the book was extremely meh but loved the movie.

       3. Definitely Crazy Rich Asians for this.

   19. In your shoes I’d go for the first Pitch Perfect or Legally Blonde, or, frankly, Bake Off or The House of Windsor on Netflix. Anything I’ve watched a bunch and know well would do!

   20. Not a movie, but Girls5Eva on Peacock is about a ~2000 era girl group reuniting and is hilarious.

   21. Crazy Rich Asians does this for me.

   22. I watch The Devil Wears Prada pretty often when I’m sick. I’m here for Meryl and Stanley and Emily Blunt.

   23. Ghostbusters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow man gets me every time.
       A Knight’s Tale: Funny, hot actors, love story, excellent sound track
       Enola Holmes: Sherlock Holmes’ snarky teenage sister solves a mystery
       A Room with a View: Gentle Rom-Com, hot actors, great scenery
       Wallace and Gromit The WrongTrousers: Toddler friendly but I was willing to watch it over and over again when my son was small! Ditto A Close Shave

   24. Or, in a completely different direction, Galaxy Quest. I could watch that movie every week.

       1. Yessss! Also on the Tony Shalhoub note, Monk has been my latest comfort re-watch and I’ve been enjoying it.

   25. I watched The Proposal last night. Definitely meets the brainless standard, but I love Sandra and Ryan Reynolds. Scenery is beautiful, add Betty White and – presto – meets your criterial. Fun fact: this was actually filmed in Rockport and Manchester-By-The-Sea, MA and they superimposed the mountains and Alaska/west coast greenery to meet the film’s script. The more you know.

   26. Not a movie, but Emily in Paris fits this bill.

3. My husband is a huge Beatles fan and I’m planning a trip to London/Liverpool in October. Any suggestions as to how I can make this trip really special for him? I’ve googled “Beatles Tours” and there are plenty of options. But I’d like to try something a little more special. Maybe I should contact a travel agent? Any tips (where to stay, tours) would be really helpful. Thanks ladies!

   1. No suggestions, but you are an amazing wife!

   2. Using CIE tours for a trip to London and Liverpool in June. Cietours.com
      We opted for a driver too!

   3. There are cabbies who do a Beatles tour. They’re worth your time. We lucked out and got one for our ride to the airport leaving Liverpool. We had extra time so he gave us a mini tour. I really wish we’d done the full thing. They really know all the spots.

      And then plan to spend some time at the Cavern Club (not sure what’s going on there with COVID but we had a great time pre-COVID.)

   4. I am a massive Beatles fan and have been to London and Liverpool. First, I would say that going to Liverpool is so worth it. The best thing is that everyone sounds like the Beatles in Liverpool–meaning their accents instantly remind you of the Fab Four. In Liverpool, you can tour John and Paul’s childhood homes, which are owned by the National Trust. It is amazing to stand in the bedroom where they wrote I Want to Hold Your Hand. You can also go on the Magical Mystery Tour, which has a replica bus just like the one in the Magical Mystery Tour movie. It is quite fun to go on the groovy bus. It takes you to Strawberry Field, Penny Lane, the church where John and Paul met, past George and Ringo’s childhood homes, and some other places. And of course, the Cavern. There is also a museum near the Albert Dock. You don’t really need to stay at a themed hotel in Liverpool because, again, everyone sounds like a Beatle!

      In London, I’ve been on delightful walking tours run by a crazy but charming man where you just show up at an Underground station at the appointed time. I think his name was Richard. Abbey Road is quite accessible by normal transportation–get off at St. John’s Wood tube station. It is very difficult to get a good picture on the crosswalk, so manage your expectations about that. But you can write on the wall outside the studios and take pictures there.

      1. Thanks so much for this. I’m so excited about this. There are so many tours out there so I was looking for a recommendation of some sort. I’m sure I can’t go wrong…

   5. You can also go to the maritime museum (can’t remember the name) at the Lever Building, which has a good gift shop. Liverpool was one of the main (if not THE main) ports for trans-Atlantic travel in the hey day of Queen Mary-style liners. I just remember all the beer… I think the original Cavern is gone (I saw the parking lot that now occupies the spot) but I have a photo of the Eleanor Rigby statue. Fabulous city!

4. Can I hear your success (or non-success) stories of losing weight 1+ year postpartum?

   My second kid will be 1 in April. I’m currently 6 lbs up from my pre-baby #2 pregnancy weight, but closer to 15 lbs up from my weight pre-baby #1. I am also (technically, according to BMI) now slightly overweight. The weight is really concentrated in my belly, but I’m definitely just larger overall. I went from a size 4/6 pre-kids, to a size 6/8 post kid #1, to a solid size 10 now.

   I just don’t recognize myself at this weight, but I haven’t lost any real weight for the last 3-4 months and I’m wondering if this is just “it” forever? I am not willing/able to make *drastic* lifestyle changes at this point, but also struggling to accept my new weight. I hate how much space it takes up in my head.

   Just looking to hear others’ stories, good or bad. TIA!

   1. How’s your sleep? My 2nd didn’t nap and only slept a few hours at a time. I didn’t take off the baby weight until I was able to start sleeping when he slept through the night.

      1. My sleep is generally pretty good -I’d say I get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep maybe 50% of the time, and the other 50% of the time I probably get 6-7 uninterrupted hours.

         1. In reality, this isn’t pretty good… This is pretty good given your circumstances of having to very young children. It’s really supposed to be 89 hours on average every night to be rested. I don’t say that is a criticism, but rather to suggest that you might be swimming upstream if sleep is really what you need.

            1. Yep. I’d start with the sleep. 8 hours every night. It will take several weeks to see an effect.

   2. I could not lose even an ounce the first year postpartum. I’m older but very athletic. The second year, the weight started go come off, and at the beginning of year 3 (kiddo just turned 2), I feel like I’m finally slowly able to shed some weight. The other day, I put on a running tank that never quiiite fit even a year after birth, and it was slightly baggy in the waist.

      Very anti drastic measures here, too, so advice:

      Part of weight loss is building muscle, because muscle burns calories when you are doing nothing. (Yes, oversimplified, but roll with it.) Pregnancy completely upends your normal body composition, wherein muscle is replaced with fat, so you have to really work to build muscle after giving birth.

      Read The Pioneer Woman’s June 2021 blog post about losing weight. In #4, she talks about lifting arm weights; her husband told her to work her leg and butt muscles, since those muscles are bigger than her arm muscles.

      1. She has a more recent post about weight loss, too. It’s pretty inspiring, honestly! If the Pioneer Woman can love food and manage to lose weight, then I can, too. :)

         1. The most recent post does not talk about body composition in detail. As body composition is the postpartum problem, I highlighted point #4 in her June post, which has the pertinent information. After pregnancy, your body isn’t your prepregnancy body with extra fat; it’s a more fatty, less muscular body with more fat. You need to build muscle in a way you did not before.

            1. OK, cool, I have been pregnant before. Pretty familiar with the post-pregnancy woes.

            2. You’re determined to ignore what I am saying. That’s a you problem.

   3. What did things look like for you with post-baby #1 weight loss? With both of my kids I lost the last of the baby weight when the baby learned how to walk (run) / self feed and I had to chase the no-longer-a-baby / could walk around while the no-longer-a-baby ate independently. It sounds like your second is probably not walking yet.

   4. I started the Optavia diet on January 3 and have lost 20lbs. I’m now 3lbs below my Kid #1 weight (he’s almost 4). I lost weight after my second kid by the time he turned one (I didn’t gain as much with him due to more difficult pregnancy) but nothing moved me to my pre-baby #1 weight until I tried this. It’s expensive but I don’t think it’s a drastic lifestyle change. It’s pretty easy to follow (although I do cheat sometimes) and I eat normal dinner with the family. It’s actually inspired me to cook healthier food and the kids are benefiting too. I thought that Nutrisystem and Weight Watchers were both harder to follow, left me more annoyed/hungrier, took more effort and time, and were not as effective. But I’ll say that even though I have now finally reached pre-babies weight, my body is still shaped differently than before kids. I think that’s probably just permanent for some people.

      1. Can you say more about Optavia? the website is a bit confusing. Do you do the 5+1 plan? What do you end up having to supplement that’s not in the giant box of stuff?

   5. Some of this is weight for sure, but I’ve lost 2-3″ from my belly just doing a post partum inner core restore from Our Fit Family Life. Cannot recommend more. I have more energy and better posture, and it’s been possible to keep up with it during chemo mostly. I’m confident that by the end of the program I’ll be able to do a strength program (I like Big Fit Girl) without exacerbating the mom pooch with bad form.

      1. Thanks! Did you do the “Better body after baby program”?

         1. Yes! I’m in the middle of week 4, repeated week 1 after week 3 because I hadn’t built strength fast enough to move on.

   6. Are you still breastfeeding? I found that my body hung on to about 10 pounds of baby weight until I stopped breastfeeding.

      I also think you need to take the long game into consideration here. Until all of your kids are older and more independent, you may not have the time, energy, etc. to exercise regularly and eat well every day. Beating yourself up about that will not help you lose weight and will damage your happiness and self-esteem. When my youngest was around 3, I found that I had more bandwidth to take care of myself, and overall started to feel like a real person again with interests, who liked the way she looked.

      While your children are very young, you may not be optimizing every aspect of your life, which is 100% fine. So give yourself some grace for now, and know that you’ll have the rest of your life to pursue the other stuff.

   7. My metabolism and hormones were definitely different after kids. I had to count calories to get weight loss going. You also have to knuckle down not watch the scale – it may take a few months to show up.

      1. I am only a mom of 1, now 1 year old. I found that what helped me the most was changing my mental attitude about exercise and food because all of it had to completely re-set once I had a kid. Such as
         1. Doing planks while child plays on the floor next to me + 20 min walk with baby in stroller or front carrier = “working out” during the first 6 months. Once I could do that safely and w/o issue, I tried yoga, more walking, and gradually built up to doing what others have suggested, which is focusing on trying to build muscle using mainly youtube workouts for about 20 min a few times per week. This is HARD. My core really needed help and all of my leg muscle was gone – I had been a decent weight lifter before my pregnancy. Seeing this as a complete reset so I didn’t injure myself and didn’t get frustrated and lose hope was key.
         2. Agree with earlier poster- I got more time, and dropped 5 pounds after I stopped breastfeeding. I’m sure this isn’t everyone’s experience but give yourself some grace if you’re still breasetfeeding.
         3. I do agree that there is some degree of the fact that my body will never be the same. My shape is just different. My boobs are deflated. My muscle probably won’t come back unless I give it more time than I have right now. That is OK.
         4. Weight loss – what I did was stop eating at night. Light dinner as early as I could with work, and no snacks or dessert. I’m a big sweets person so this helped me get rid of another few pounds, but I’m still not where I was pre-baby. I’d like to get there but will probably have a 2nd kid before that happens.

5. I am working at a company that is big on corporate speak and executive presence. I am more of a direct, no-nonsense communicator, so I am going to have to adapt to be successful here. Any tips (books, courses, or otherwise) for learning this “skill” or at least faking it better? At a minimum I think I need to work on communication to inspire confidence.

   1. There is a book called office speak, I think – and it “translates” similar terms. I’m out of office but have it on my shelf if you can’t find it, post back again and I’ll get the actual name.

      Honestly though – If you can, I’d keep your direct style and just adapt to some of the showiness. Don’t water down feedback if you’re a manager. But if direct means you sound like a jerk, I’d add some of the small talk type buzzwords that your org uses most often.

      1. I agree with keeping your style as long as you are objectively succeeding with it. Then when you dial it up for special occasions, it will have much more impact.

   2. So, I tend to have a similar style, and what I’ll say is this. Just through careful observation, I was able to pick up on which corporate terms were most palatable to me and fit into my natural style. Speaking in a non-direct way does NOT come naturally to me, and while I’m certainly careful with my tone and am never mean, I also haven’t gone to great lengths to overhaul my style.

   3. I’ve had great success keeping a direct approach in a corporate speak world. Being known as a straight shooter is one of the qualities that got me to the c-suite. I’ve found following formality patterns a better move than changing my vocabulary to be indirect. There are things people say that will naturally creep into your vocabulary anyway.

   4. Can you give us a few examples of what you mean by executive presence? Being a straight shooter is one thing; not filtering comments that can be misconstrued by a large audience is another. As you move up, you want to be careful how you say things to not cause unnecessary churn. That’s different than, e.g., deliberately obscuring bad news or being unnecessarily vague.

6. Question for peeps. I am still working from home nearly 100% of the time, but one or twice a month I have to go to political fundraisers for work in DC. I’m finding that some of my pre-COVID clothes are super tight, (thank you onset of menopause), but I haven’t quite gained enough wait to merit buying entirely new clothes and since I’m still home most of the time, what’s the point? Does anyone have recommendations for stylish but conservative work dresses or other clothes that are good when your body is in between sizes and aren’t cheap but don’t cost a fortune?

   1. Following big-time! And not that you asked, but I started intermittent fasting and so far, it’s working and not so difficult. I’m using an app that I paid for so that I could track my eating window and fasting window. Yesterday I had a kids-size cheeseburger and fries (it’s really plenty for any adult) and I still lost weight! I’m a little concerned about how the weekend will go because hubby and I love to have a nice dinner…but maybe we’ll just pivot to a nice lunch out?

   2. Would the Karen Kane Sophie dress or something like it work? It is a generously cut shift dress that looks intentional.

   3. Dresses are going to be better in this situation than separates – find something that skims your curves and will accommodate a weight shift. I’m a fan of wrap dresses in a heavy knit fabric like ponte or substantial jersey – Banana Republic often has one but I don’t see one currently. Also look at Boden, they have a number of good ponte dresses that could be accessorized with great shoes and jewelry and look great for fundraisers. Such as: Puff Sleeve Belted Ponte Dress, Seam Detail Ponte Shift Dress, Lavinia Jersey Wrap Dress, Ponte Midi Shirt Dress.

      1. BR Factory has good dresses for my in-between size life right now.

   4. Just be kind to yourself and buy a couple of outfits! So much clothing is on sale, and you will feel better. Department stores are probably your best bet as the prices are good, and with Nordies you can get free shipping both ways.

   5. Not knowing the dollars for “aren’t chap but don’t cost a fortune,” I’d suggest Veronica Beard for getting one or two “fun” blazers which are super in right now and can dress up an otherwise boring dress. Otherwise, huge proponent of St. Johns on clearance (there is lots now) because the dresses seem to fit me +/- a size or two in either direction (e.g., an 8 will fit when I am truly a size 6 or when I’m a 10). L.K. Bennett is also a good pick for sightly fun – fair warning you need to be honest with yourself about what size you are, it is not vanity sized. Speaking from experience, I’d venture away from a lot of the fuller skirts in style right now as full skirt + wind = Marilyn, or my grown adult self walking two blocks holding my dress down.

   6. I have gained 15lbs in the past two years and had my first work travel since the pandemic last month. I HIGHLY recommend just buying a few pieces that fit you well at the weight you’re at now instead of squeezing into something that just reminds you that you’ve gained weight.

      I built myself a little capsule wardrobe since I have monthly work travel this spring, giving myself full permission to get rid of it all if I lose the weight.

      My capsule – https://ibb.co/nMBT7D4 – discoloration is because I had a blue light filter on when I took the screenshot.

      1. +1 this is me too – 15lb in the past two years and I bought new clothes. In person work events are enough without hating what I’m wearing. I did start at goodwill (not even the one I consider the “good” goodwill and was shocked at the selection – although it actually makes sense since a lot of people cleaned out their formal workfare closets.

      2. The maroon shirt is gorgeous! Where did you get it?

         1. Thanks! It’s the Cashmere Tee from Quince. Love it, and have gotten lots of compliments from co-workers on it.

      3. I love the shoes (both pairs). Would you mind sharing the brand/link? Thanks!

         1. Nude ankle strap are these– https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CVTXQZT/ref=twister_B07CVS2LCL purchased to wear as a bridesmaid but they’re so comfy I wear them all the time.

            I don’t have a link for the black shoes, unfortunately. My actual pair are an old from Target, and I just took a screenshot of a similar shoe to make my little collage. sorry!

      4. Enchiladas – What brand is the jacket? Link? Thanks!

         1. Jacket is Theory Outlet Lanai (looks like it’s now called the “open blazer” online, but it’s the same one). I LOVE it, definitely recommend. https://outlet.theory.com/lanai/G011112R_G0F.html

            Also, I found mine on Ebay for $35 NWT, so definitely keep an eye out there.

            1. i love the dress any details?

            2. The dress is MMLaFleur in the “Crackle” Pattern. Not sure the name of the dress but that is a current fabric choice for several.

            3. Anon – yep Coach Laura is right, it’s MM Lafleur Etsuko dress https://mmlafleur.com/products/etsuko-crackle

   7. Ann Taylor or Loft can get you a couple work dresses in your size that aren’t cheap ($20) but look decent.
      Kohl’s often has Chaps and Lauren Ralph Lauren dresses in a jersey fabric that read professional but help fit different/changing sizes. Easy returns if you need to buy two sizes. Regular price probably $90 but I always pick up on sales for half that.
      If you have time, thrift stores are chock full of professional clothing. I volunteer with a charity shop in the Midwest that has received dozens and dozens of donated suits, separates, and professional dresses in the last year. We are lucky to sell two per month (and haven’t sold a pair of staple black pants, even NWT, in six months).
      Styles have changed in that they’re more comfortable but also don’t worry about being “on trend.” Everyone I see is wearing some mix of comfortable or 2018-2019.

      1. + 1. Talbots and Brooks Brothers provide washable Jersey dresses in preppy prints.

   8. I’d by a nice black wrap dress or shift and not worry too much with budget. No one will notice it’s the same.

      1. I agree with buying one dress, black would be ok. Or I have the MMLaFleur dress that Enchiladas linked to above in black/white (mine is sleeveless) and I would get a jacket or two to throw on top – black or a dark red or green or beige.

   9. Consignment store, Poshmark or Depop for a few things to tide you over until your weight stabilises.

7. Please help me interpret this situation. Trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong. Last night my H and my kid and I were at an event where they provided dinner and then we did a service project for the community. Dinner was not something H and kid liked, so H said something about ordering food on the way home. I made a comment that it might be hard to order because we didn’t know when we would be done and they needed about 30 minutes to prepare whatever we ordered. No big deal, just wanted to mention that so they didn’t want to order when we were actually done and ready to leave. H was really offended and kept saying stuff like “what did I do wrong” and “what are you so mad about”? I wasn’t mad, just logistically trying to figure things out if that is what they wanted to do. So, it ended up working out fine and he picked up food on the way home.

   Fast forward to me cleaning up the kitchen and him in his chair. He says “are you almost done” and I say “yes, why?”. He got very upset and said he wanted to talk to me about something and just wondered it I’d be coming to sit down soon. Then, when I finished what I was doing and came to sit down he was upset and wouldn’t even discuss what he had wanted to talk about.

   I feel like I am forever trying to respond in a way that won’t make him upset.

   Was I truly wrong and inconsiderate of him?

   1. Does he have ADHD? This sounds like Reaction Sensitivity Dysphoria, a condition associated with ADHD. RSD outbursts are exactly the episodes described above. The individual with ADHD tends to react to their partner that way and the partner is constantly walking on eggshells due to their “perceptions” of personal interactions. For example, “Do you want more almonds at the store ?” when the household is out of almonds, turns into personal offense.

      1. ADHD here, I would have said that ADHD people with RSD generally hide their discomfort and avoid letting it lead to conflict, and that outbursts are less combative than this sounds. Not a psychologist though!

         1. Men and Women often experience RSD differently. More men have the outbursts. More women hide their discomfort. There is a partner ADHD support group on Reddit (partners of someone with ADHD) and the vast majority of partners on that support group subreddit have similar experiences as OP (myself included). I’ve only recently learned this is not normal behavior myself. I’ve been walking on eggshells for 20+ years.

            1. This is really interesting; thank you.

   2. Honestly it feels like there is way more history and tones and more going on here than the internet is probably going to be able to give you a satisfactory answer for. Sorry, marital spats suck. The only thing I can think is maybe he thought you were judging him for not liking the food, but again too hard to tell.

   3. No. Either he picked up a nonverbal signal that isn’t being conveyed in this story or there are some other underlying issues that have nothing to do with the dinner story at all. There’s not enough information here to say.

      1. yeah, there is more to this somewhere.

         It feels like every post this week there’s been a woman describing having to walk on eggshells around her SO.

         Ladies, that is not normal.

         1. OP again, it is actually revolutionary to me that this is not normal. Twenty plus years into this marriage thing and seems there has always been at least a small amount of “walking on eggshells”. Sometimes more than others. Like, when the kids were little I only had so much bandwidth and truly could let most things like this slide, but it seems like with more free time I am feeling it more. Each time he makes me feel like I have done something wrong when I have no ill intentions or even could possibly interpret the situation in a negative way, he will get mad about the way I said something or assume that I meant it in the most negative way. Hearing and finally beginning to acknowledge that this is nor how most people act is eye opening.

            1. Normal or not normal it is certainly NOT healthy!!!

            2. I could have written this. I had a fight with my SO the other night because they took something innocuous that I said in the most negative way. I was so confused when they became irritated at me, I apologized but still don’t think I had anything to apologize for. To one of your comments below, my SO also has a hard time with “just letting it go” which I try to do in little spats. They don’t let it go and then I get frustrated, and then it escalates.

            3. I still remember the day I posted something similar on here about my relationship (anonymously) and everybody was all, “oh, wow, this is super not normal!” And that was what started my wheels turning and ultimately led to my leaving that marriage and now I’m married to somebody who talks to me like I’m a normal human being with no ulterior motives and good grief! It’s way better.

               Hugs, OP. This is not normal and it sucks and I’m sorry you are in this situation.

            4. Your husband is an ass.

   4. Every time I read a post like this, I think about the post last week where someone asked about what fraction of marriages are happy and what the secret to a happy marriage is… and for me, it’s that neither of get upset about stuff like this, we just let it go. There are times that one of us will be busy or irritated about something and respond to the other person in a less than 100% ideal way, but we just don’t worry about it. It’s never personal- it’s that the other person is annoyed about something work related or paying attention to something else, and it’s just not a big deal, so we shouldn’t make a big deal about it. I know I love him and he loves me and we treat each other well in general, and that’s what matters. I know that’s not very helpful in terms of his behavior, but you can still decide whether you want to get upset about it- I feel like once both people get upset, things only escalate. Also, how much of this comes down to simple things like being hangry? I know that’s a huge problem for me, so I work really hard to avoid putting myself in that situation!

      1. OP here. This is actually very helpful and is typically how I feel, but lately it seems like everything I say or do gets a negative reaction from him. I tend to let most things slide, probably too much in fact. I figure if he makes a comment that seemed a bit off-putting, he must have had a bad day or something was just a bit off. I certainly don’t take it personally. I guess I am just struggling because it seems like his reaction to very minor things has recently been super strong and not very kind.

         1. Do you have any reason to think he’s depressed? Irritability is a common symptom of depression…

            1. +1

         2. When my husband and I start going down this type of road, it is usually (work) stress-related or lack of sleep and I try to sit down with him and discuss remembering to assume the other person has good intentions unless proved otherwise, so if a situation can be taken 1 of 2 ways, give the other person the grace to assume it is the way that puts them in the best light.

            An analogy for this that I also like that seems to resonate with him is to remind him that we are a team and that we aren not playing singles tennis. We are playing doubles on the same side of the net trying to solve the same problems together, not lobbing shots back and forth at each other.

            1. Yep that was going to be my comment – I think it’s really key to always assume good intentions in relationships, especially marriages/partnerships. Marie described it really well. I have had a lot of success in these type of discussions with DH – he’s not the type that will automatically assume good intentions of most people, but he doesn’t do that to me anymore.

            2. That is such a good analogy. I am naturally a bit snippy and have really worked on it, but occasionally we have to do a reset and realise that you shouldn’t yell at your partner just because you want to yell at your boss.

         3. We are in the middle of the most stressful situation many of us have been in, and I suggest giving him more slack than you usually do because the stress is taking a toll on all of us.

            1. Sounds like she is giving him lots of slack, though? I agree that we should give each other as much slack as possible, doesn’t mean her husband gets to use her as a verbal punching bag.

      2. +1 to this from another longtime married person. We all go through times where we are stressed or preoccupied and little things get blown out of proportion in our own minds. Sometimes I am the one with the out-of-proportion reactions, and sometimes it’s my husband. Ruth Bader Ginsburg gave some of the greatest marriage advice in the history of humanity when she said “it helps sometimes to be a little deaf” in a marriage. When my husband reacts poorly to something that I know is not a big deal, I just note it and move on. There really can be more damage done by sitting down and picking apart why someone said what they said when they said it, and how they said it, and why were they like that, etc. Maybe someone was tired. Maybe they’d had a bad day at work, their boss yelled at them or something, and they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe they’re worried about the tax return and Russia invading Ukraine and mask mandates being dropped and a whole bunch of other stuff that has nothing to do with the household and the marriage, and then they heard something that hit them the wrong way and their reaction wasn’t what it should have been. Be a little bit deaf. Note it, let it roll off and move on. This is almost certainly not about you, OP, and your efforts to analyze or fix it just prolong the discomfort of the situation.

         This is not to say that people should put up with emotional abuse, or the reactions of a partner who is cranky for weeks on end. In my case, if the short/pop-off responses continue for a few days and I don’t know why my husband is stressed, I will pick a neutral time and just say hey, is there something going on with you I should know about? I am a little concerned. And he’ll usually open up to me about what’s going on. He does the same with me when I am short-tempered. Even in a marriage, we need to give people space to feel their feelings without having to dissect their feelings in minute detail with their partner. I am also going to gently suggest that there’s some self-centeredness involved in thinking our partners’ reactions are all about us and whatever we’ve said or done. Our partners are independent people with their own private thoughts, feelings and perspectives, and they are entitled to those. One good way to cause a lot of tension in a marriage is to not allow our partners privacy of their own thoughts. I would not want someone constantly trying to open me up like I’m a can of beans and they’ve got a can opener, so they can rummage around inside looking for anything interesting. So I don’t do that to my husband either.

         1. Thank you for this. 8 years into marriage and I’m trying to find the balance between taking things personally/self-blame, walking on eggshells, letting DH feel feelings, and the hardest (for me) confrontation/sharing what I need.

            (I’m the poster who has been sharing about DH’s depression/resentment the last few days.)

         2. OP here, these are all very good points! I guess the thing that really bothered me in this situation was that he refused to discuss the thing he wanted to talk about once we had the chance to sit down together.

            I really appreciate the privacy of thoughts comment. He is oftentimes telling me that I should share everything with him and I feel as if he is picking me apart when he makes comments like “what did I do wrong” or “what are you so mad about”. He won’t accept an answer like “I am not mad, you did nothing wrong, I meant it as a simple comment”.

            I truly try to follow the idea of letting things go if I don’t think they are significant. He just does not seem to be able to do that in most cases.

            1. it really sounds like he’s “you should”-ing you a lot. That’s really annoying. I’m going to assume the best intentions (lol, see above) and assume that this is a language issue – I’d ask him to please stop with these phrases. Sometimes phrases just end up really loaded in marriages, and the easiest thing is to just not say them. For example, DH and I got into a huge fight one time over “being supportive” of each other – it’s ridiculous, we are both objectively very supportive of each other and recognize that. However it’s just a loaded term for us now and so we really don’t use it at all.

            2. Hugs – that sounds really hard to handle. I know the “go to couples counseling” suggestion gets thrown out a lot, but I can attest that when my husband and I hit a place where it seemed like all we could do was talk past each other, and neither one of us was really able to listen to what the other was saying, laying it all out in front of a therapist was a great way to get us “unstuck” and out of our patterns. We only went to six sessions, and it really did change our marriage. The presence of a neutral third party really changes what people say and how people say it, IME, and for my husband – the fact that we were paying someone to listen to us talk did make him feel obligated to put his cards on the table and work on the communication issues that had landed us in counseling. I feel like my husband and I would have kept going back and forth, back and forth about the same stuff without the counseling intervention. If your husband won’t go initially, maybe go by yourself to see someone and get some outside perspective on the situation (which is part of what we all do here when we post questions, I know. But hearing it from a trained professional does make a difference).

            3. The refusal to discuss is “stonewalling” which is one of the Gottmans’ “four horsemen of the apocalypse” in marriage. You might want to read one of their books like “The Relationship Cure” or “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” to get some perspective.

   5. When my husband and I start going down this type of road, it is usually (work) stress-related or lack of sleep and I try to sit down with him and discuss remembering to assume the other person has good intentions unless proved otherwise, so if a situation can be taken 1 of 2 ways, give the other person the grace to assume it is the way that puts them in the best light.

      An analogy for this that I also like that seems to resonate with him is to remind him that we are a team and that we aren not playing singles tennis. We are playing doubles on the same side of the net trying to solve the same problems together, not lobbing shots back and forth at each other. Hope this helps and hope this comment does not post twice, since it seems to have been eaten the first time!

   6. No. You are not truly wrong and inconsiderate of him.

      He is an ass. Or a manipulative ass. Or a manipulative and abusive ass.

      Those are your Goldilocks options here. You being inconsiderate is not an option for play.

8. Re Ukraine — holy F. I thought Russia might just nibble from the edges near it where there are enough ethnic Russians / Russian speakers that they’d want to be in Russia anyway. Not what has happened overnight. OMFG. Please, someone, read the future where this doesn’t end in WW3.

   1. It is really terrible. I don’t have anything helpful or insightful to say. It is just so deeply sad and things can only get worse.

      1. At least the current President of the United States thinks this is bad.

         1. This is really my only positive takeaway – that Biden is calling it out as BAD and assuring the UN and other major democracies that the US stands with them in condeming it.

            1. Does anyone know what time Biden is going to address the nation? Is he meeting with the G7 leaders now?

            2. Standing with them is good, but I’m not sure it will actually stop anything. Would the US send troops to Ukraine? Only if they start invading neighboring countries?

            3. (To answer my own question from earlier: Biden began meeting with G7 at 9:15 am, and his speech is scheduled for 12:30.)

            4. No, the US won’t send US troops to Ukraine. If Russia starts invading NATO countries, that’s a whole different story. My bet is that we end up giving them a bunch of weapons.

            5. We just deployed US troops to Poland (NATO country). Not sure where there is for them to do in Poland except be cold. Nearby, however, . . .

   2. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because of doom-scrolling Ukraine videos. And, even today, I think I might have to limit my news consumption for my own sanity.

      1. It is so dismal.

      2. Same, although so far I get an F- for trying to limit my news consumption.

         1. Same here, and I have made that suggestion to people here about limiting media consumption. So let me just admit to all of you, I have not been taking my own advice and my mental state definitely reflects my overconsumption of media today.

            Side note: God, Putin is such a d*ckhead. I can’t stand it.

            1. A charismatic and intelligent d*ckhead who has been building toward this moment for 15+ years. I hate it.

            2. A d*ckhead with no successor. Why is he the one to exceed Russian male life expectancy?

   3. It’s awful and heartbreaking and terrifying.

   4. I still feel like I need a Cliff Notes version of what’s happening in Russia, but when I saw the alert on my phone this morning, I felt an overwhelming sense of worry and fear. This is Not Good.

      1. I feel very uneducated on this issue. What exactly is Russia’s motivation for this? I looked at a couple of articles this morning with headlines of “Why is Russia Doing This”, but they more just went through past tensions between the countries. I too would appreciate a Cliff Notes of what’s going on from the knowledgeable ladies here.

         1. Putin’s desire to restore Russia to greatness, cement his historical legacy, and distract from very real domestic problems. A Russian nationalist assumption that Ukraine is integral to the Russian heartland, and a perception that a Westward looking Ukraine, particularly one with ties to NATO, is a threat to Russia. Decades of being able to act with impunity.
            Source: I am a political scientist, but not one who specialises on Eastern European politics.

            1. When was Russia great? The last Tsar? When they were running over Europe after Hitler? When Stalin was purging people right and left (great photo book: The Comisar Vanishes; highly recommend)? When they were blowing their GDP on weapons while the population lived in cold-water flats and bartered for Levis?

               Russians are great people but have never gotten the good government they deserve. The only way they seem to have gotten peace and stability is by moving out of Russia.

            2. I don’t think that that Russian nationalist assumption is shared by any of the ethnicities / linguistic groups within the former USSR. There is a reason that so much of the former USSR had to be an autonomous region — not enough to steal there / vaguely or actually hostile people sort of stuck within your borders but who are really not there for you / too far away.

               Y’all: go out and watch The Lives of Others tonight and be grateful we don’t live like that (yet) and pray (if you are religious).

            3. Yeah, I’m definitely not saying Russia was great… but most countries have narratives of past greatness / past glory. That’s why nationalist movements and populist movements refer to the past. It’s a unifying narrative which is constructed but important to people’s identities. We see it in the US with the greatest generation, the UK with “victory over fascism” and the postwar welfare state. Often you can find these narratives in Olympic opening games ceremonies.

               But there is, amongst some in Russia, Soviet nostalgia. In part because of the failed promise of democracy and a market economy post 1991. Because while Stalinism wasn’t great, neither is living on tiny pensions and feeling like a marginal actor in the world.

            4. Stalin was pure poison. I used to walk by a Katyn forest massacre monument every day. I’m sure it was fine if you weren’t being the victim of mass murder or being actively purged. But that fine existence often turned on a dime.

            5. Nostalgic glorification of past decades can be found with (ultra-)conservative people in any country. At the risk of stereotyping, this dreaming back to an imagined golden past is perhaps more mainstream in Russia than some other places.

            6. I’d be fascinated to see what is being taught in Russian schools / on the Russian History channel equivalent. Does it perpetuate a nostalgia for the USSR? I lived in Poland, and the impact of the Cold War period was so, so present in people’s lives. My bestie was brought up in Norway because her parents were imprisoned during the crackdown in the 1980s.
               Learning from the Germans focused on a different context (obviously….) but was a really interesting analysis of how countries grapple with their past crimes. Well worth a read.

            7. I always thought that the shirtless Putin photo ops were for the old-school “look we have a strong man and are a strong country” types. What is the male life expectancy in Russia — it is dismal, no? And it’s not like they have been at war (until now) recently to drive that # down so much. Hint: this outing in Ukraine is not going to help with that. IDK what Putin’s long game is here — it seems like he is trying to quick-fix and distract from Russia’s grave systemic problems being a functioning country with anything to offer many of its people.

         2. My take: Russia was happy with Ukraine as a neighbor (vs part of it) as long as the govt was pro-Russia. 2014ish (when it took Crimea back) was when the govt got bounced and replaced by a pro-NATO govt, and things took a turn. There are Russian enclaves within Ukraine near the border, so it’s not a monolithic country. If Russia treats the Ukrainian parts poorly (vs just taking the Russian parts), he may win the war but my guess is can’t take the peace that comes when you salt the earth like that. At any rate, Ukraine is a veritable breadbasket vs Russia (too cold to grow food), which may be why he wants it (and also, he is a jerk and 70, so hopefully he doesn’t get to pull a Castro and last forever).

            1. Google “Holodomor” to get a feel for how Ukrainians view Russia. Ukraine is the largest country in Europe, full of fertile land. There is no reason (other than Russia wanted it) that millions of Ukrainians should have ever starved. Ukraine is good for Russia; Russia is not good for Ukraine.

            2. Agree with this. I was born in Ukraine. Well actually USSR that became Ukraine when I was a toddler. Moved to the US at age 8. I never learned Ukrainian and never introduce myself as Ukrainian. Same for my husband who moved to the US in 1988. We both grew up speaking only Russian at home and our kids are bilingual. My parents have Russian TV (basically Putin TV). My 4 year old was at their house recently and asked if he’s Russian (because he understood what was playing on TV). I responded yes automatically. Until this week, I admit that I’ve spent very little time thinking of my national identity or country of origin. Russian has always been a part of me but, beyond happy memories remembered through the eyes of a child, Ukraine never was.

            3. Ukraine is a huge country. I’m not surprised that people in different parts of it, especially given the timing, would identify as Russian and speak Russian.

         3. Thanks CB and Anon @ 10:16 – very helpful explanations. Much appreciated!

         4. Some verbatims from friends I met while in Siberia: “Americans don’t know that we are the ones who won the great Patriotic War [WWII], right? They think they won it!” “At least under socialism my mom who was a teacher knew she would have a place to live, whereas now businesspeople are respected and teachers are not”.

            1. I think Putin ran on that nostalgia and won in the early 2000s when he truly tripled real incomes in Russia coming out of their 1998 default and low gas prices. That was always the deal. Give up some freedoms, restart some Andropov-esque KGB tactics against “agitators”, but live more comfortably like you used to.

               I haven’t lived in Russia in ten years now, but I don’t think everyday people buy in to it anymore, so he’s grasping at straws to unite them against a foreign US-backed Russian-child-eating anti-Slavic Ukrainian foe. I think he’s cornered and this won’t end well for him, although a bunch of other people will of course suffer for his folly.

            2. sorry, but any Russian that wants socialism back is not to be trusted.

            3. Business people are not really respected though. They are just net contributors to a kleptocracy in a way that is helpful and in a way teachers and workers would never be. We had an office in Russia and had to close it b/c it was never clear who we had to tip, which nephew’s cleaning company we needed to hire, all with FCPA liability hanging over our head. No thanks. You can’t really honestly do business there (unless maybe your a teacher or a factory worker). The people were great and I’m sorry that they have to live with this.

            4. I used to live in a country that was formerly part of Yugoslavia. Plenty of people there openly wished to return to socialism because the new economy was so bad.

               This was in the mid2010s

         5. Have you tried looking at El Pais (English version)? I find they di really good overviews of world events send tend to be less ott than either UK or US newspapers. They did a great piece at the weekend on why Putin believes that all the old USSR I’d really still Russia light. They don’t do that many stories in English so it might still be available.

      2. I’m sure a good and proper answer is a lot more complicated than this, but…what I remember from a Russian history class in college is near-constant wars and skirmishes with their neighbors. I think that that think this is normal.

         1. Russia is the boyfriend who breaks up with you, fights with you, and then once he’s done with you, no one else can have you and if you flirt with someone else, he drags you back.

   5. I was surprised to have to scroll this far to see a comment on Ukraine. What a terrible situation.

      1. I was surprised as well.

         As for why Ukraine is so important to Putin – Putin does not want Ukraine to become a NATO country and apparently there were rumblings as the current Ukrainian president is pro-NATO, or at least NATO sympathetic. Also, I believe there a Russian pipeline that crosses Ukraine. Oil and gas are Russia’s biggest exports and in order to control 100% of the money generated by those exports, Russia needs to control 100% of the infrastructure for transporting them. If they don’t control Ukraine, they don’t control the pipeline. There is also the fact, too, that Putin has always been out there on the edge.

         What scares me is that we need to be extremely judicious in how we handle this situation. Biden hasn’t been able to bring Putin to the table, nor has anyone else. Sanctions don’t seem to phase Putin at the moment – and would more sanctions do anything? If we (US and G7 nations) do anything that merely just piss Putin off or he starts feeling a bit mighty will he move through Ukraine to the next country in line? And then there’s the issue of China — while the world is focused on one side of the world, will China use this as their opportunity to try to invade and take back Taiwan? We could be sitting on the edge of WWIII and I don’t know about the rest of you, but I certainly do not feel all warm and fuzzy about things today.

         1. Same. Adding N Korea into the mix of people likely to try something stupid if all eyes are elsewhere (China: focus your attention here, not on Taiwan, pls; we all have more to lose and Taiwan isn’t going anywhere, will be here tomorrow, no reason to rush there).

            1. [removed by management]

            2. Anonymous at 11:24 – yet again, I feel compelled to point out to you that this is not the right place to be spreading whatever propaganda you picked up by watching OANN this morning. This situation is not Biden’s fault and has nothing to do with any “dealings” Biden has had with Ukraine personally, that is all misinformation and propaganda. I am waiting for you to bring up HUnter bideN’s laptOp, are you going to throw that in there too? Please stop getting your news and information from OANN and whatever memes your relatives are posting on Facebook. If you won’t do that, at least stop posting misinformation here!

         2. China has also agreed to help Russia financially, so the sanctions won’t matter much.

            1. When Russia and China had “talks” a couple weeks ago, I knew we were in trouble. I am so curious to know what agreement they made….

      2. on the one hand, same, but on the other hand, I just don’t have anything to say beyond, this is terrible, which is usually not what people start a thread with, because there is nothing to respond to. This is terrible, and we don’t know how this will end.

      3. What’s more surprising to me is that we don’t talk about the starvation crisis in Afghanistan – that’s a terrible situation where America is directly culpable. I get that it’s not a contest – Ukraine/Russia is important and a big deal in world terms. But we literally have left the Afghanistan people to starve in the last year. Our freezing of their cash as sanctions against the Taliban are currently starving the Afghanistan people to death. We need to find another way there; at least take our foot off of the throat.

         1. I (sadly) think it’s because 1. people have short attention spans and 2. War in Ukraine seems far more likely to impact everyday life in the US than the situation in Afghanistan.

            1. One other factor – I do not think the Biden administration wants to talk about Afghanistan at all after the withdrawal mess (which I actually was more sympathetic about). In a way, talking about Ukraine/Russia and the potential humanitarian crisis Russia may cause is helping distract everyone from the gigantic humanitarian crisis that the USA is causing.

            2. Or, sadly, that the Ukraine situation may mushroom and starvation, sadly, has such a different risk contagion.

            3. Incompetence is not as terrifying as aggression.

      4. This ain’t my source for geopolitical content. But I do appreciate CB’s political science comments.

         1. Aww, thanks :) It does make me feel vaguely useful. One day someone will ask a question about Flanders or Scotland and it will be my real moment to shine :)

   6. Russian forces are trying to seize Chernobyl! This is so grim.

      1. Fine — let them have Chernobyl. They deserve the mess they made there.

         1. Except that they could release radiation that affects Europe if they damage the enclosure!

   7. Wow, good thing the orange man is gone. Thanks Obama!

      1. You’re a joke. GTFO with that noise.

      2. Wow, you really told us!

   8. I’m shocked I had to scroll this far to find this thread.

      Trump was on Fox last night complaining about a president but not the Russian president, in case you had any doubts about which side he’s on (and has always been on.) And in classic narcissist fashion, he made it all about himself. Among other things, this happened in response to the “fraudulent” election in the US in 2020. ?

   9. Neither Biden nor European leaders can do anything sadly. Russia has nukes and can cut energy supply to Europe. The world is so s c r e w e d.

      1. Not all Europe gets its energy from Russia, some parts of EU gets its from MENA (specially Argelia) and now all of the are buying from USA too (some would say that this situation is good for USA in order to sell their gas that normally cannot find a market in Europe as it is more expensive than the Russian one). EU has been preparing itself these months for this. All the (economical) sanctions should work. The turning point for me was Germany stopping the Norstream gasspipe agreement as they are in worst situation (energy wise).

         Adding to CB comments (thanks for them), Russian claims that under the agreements of the end of the cold war no ex-URSS or ex-socialist country should join to NATO neither to allow to place missiles in their land (pointing Russia). For Putin the pro-Nato Ukrania gob was the last thing (after all the other countries as f.ex Poland going to the wester world side).

   10. My grim prediction: western Europe stands against Putin/Russia in an inverse proportion to how dependent they are on Russian oil / natural gas. Which in winter, may cause esp. Germany to go wobbly fast. I’m not sure who follows next. Pls, pls, consider whether it isn’t a good idea to keep nuclear energy capacity going (France: looking at you).

       I do think that long-term, Putin may win the war here but won’t be able to hold what he gains. The cost in military hard costs, lost lives of young Russian men, etc. will have no lasting benefit and the costs will be mounting. I pray that the markets for their oil wither.

       1. We have nuclear power plants all over EU, they just need to be reactivates. And frankly, I am shocked and angry that our governments did not bother to discuss how to decrease dependency on Russian oil and gas, but rather spent time arguing what are the limits on prices and production of crops and animals and which norms we need to rework to be more uniform. We knew about the dependency on Russia for ages and nothing or very little was done. I would gladly pay higher price for a few years if it would mean we quash Putin for good.
          But what is done, is done – we need to now urge our governments to think forward.

       2. Fortunately the answer from EU is an united one. The most lukewarm were Germany and Italy for different reasons but after Germany blocking the gaspipe project this week all the countries are given the same response. He was counting into divide as you said the common front (that conference with Italian bussines men last week) Also the mild winter is going against Putin plans.

   11. There was an excellent longform piece in the NYT Magazine a few weeks ago about the situation in Eastern Ukraine.

       https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/16/magazine/ukraine-war.html

   12. My role is spanning Central & Eastern Europe, myself being born in ex-Czechoslovakia, lived in Poland, now Hungary. Me and my team were so devastated by the news, we spent the whole morning checking up with our colleagues in Ukraine. It was impossible to work or focus today, as this is happening right next to our borders, to people we personally know and care about.
       The message I heard today from our UA friends was that they try to stay calm and either are exiting Kiev or are preparing for resistance. And we are talking regular, business people here.
       My view is that Russia & Belarus [let’s not leave these traitors out of this] are trying to take-over Ukraine, fully relying on the fact Ukraine is not in NATO, hence the alliance will not be able to do any coordinated counter attack [it would have to be voted by every member country, and sadly, Orban from HU is very friendly with Putin]. Allies of Ukraine can still provide material or military help individually [but not as NATO]. My hope is that the war will stop at Ukrainian borders – as if they attacked Poland/Baltics/Slovakia/Hungary, these are all NATO members and there would be a coordinated defense of the alliance.
       I hope these two moral-less individuals and their helpers will end up in front of Hague court and will rot in hell.

       1. This.

       2. Thanks for taking the time to post. Hopefully this will get the US Congress to stop wobbling on real sanctions. If the EU, UK and continental US are all unavailable markets there will be real pressure on Putin from his fellow graftokrats. If you are in a U.S. red state, or in a blue state with a progressive representative, call your representatives! They need to hear this is important.

9. Looking for some travel advice! After a wedding that had to get downsized from COVID and some pre-wedding festivities that couldn’t take place my husband and I are planning on an all out honeymoon to South Africa in August. Any advice for must do activities, hotels or even must go to places?

   1. are you trying to do a Safari? i would strongly recommend a travel agent to help you with your trip. We honeymooned in South Africa and Botswana

   2. If you’re looking for alternative itinerary options, for our honeymoon in 2017 we did 5-day Safari in Kenya (via Base Camp Explorer) followed by 5 days in Dubai.

   3. I’ve only been to Cape Town, but it was spectacularly beautiful. Would highly recommend a few days there. I did a township tour that was fascinating, led by a company that was based in the township to return proceeds to the community. Table Mountain is worth a day trip. I forget the name of the main historical museum, but I also enjoyed that. Robeson Island of course. Cape of Good Hope.

   4. I would recommend a short safari (3-5 days) in Kruger National Park, as well as some time in and around Cape Town. Franschhoek is beautiful for wine tasting.

   5. We went to SA (briefly), Victoria Falls and Namibia 10 or 12 years ago, and everyone we met in SA asked if we were going to Capetown. We were not, but clearly we should have. J’Burg is not somewhere I would want to stay more than a day, but we hooked up with a guy in the airport there who gave us a personal one-day tour. We saw Nelson Mandela’s home (highly recommend) and a nearby apatheid museum, toured a shanty town (no, really–it’s a thing, and it was fascinating and a much-needed source of revenue for the inhabitants) and shopped a bit in the one safe area where he could drop us off and pick us up later. Victoria Falls was worth the side trip.

      1. All of these activities sound great for the OP except the tour of the impoverished area. There are nonprofits that help people in impoverished areas in a more dignified way than allowing people to come through and gawk at their sad living conditions. Please consider whether you would like for tourists to drive through your neighborhood or a loved one’s neighborhood in this way before deciding to do such a tour.

   6. This was our honeymoon and it was hands down the trip of a lifetime. Highlights:

      Cape Town – Boulder Beach, Cape Point, Table Mountain, Robben Island, cooking class in Bo-Kaap, dinner at Test Kitchen
      Franschhoek – Bablyonstoren, Delaire Graff
      Kruger – 4 days of safari – the luxury lodges are $$$$ but beyond imagination incredible
      Johannesburg – apartheid museum, dinner at Marble

      Definitely recommend a travel agent. Happy to recommend mine who was awesome if you post an email!

   7. I spent two summers in Cape Town in college and loved it! Assuming you will have time in Cape Town, I would definitely recommend the Bo Kaap Museum, hiking the Three Peaks, attending a braai at Mzoli’s in Gugulethu (a township outside the city) if you are meat eaters (and assuming it survived the pandemic), visiting the penguins at Boulder Beach, Robben Island (where Mandela was imprisoned), surf lessons in Hout Bay, and doing a wine tour in Constantia and/or Stellenbosch (I’ve done both private tours with a driver and bus tours). If you are in Cape Town on a weekend, definitely go to Old Biscuit Mill, which is a large open air market with stalls for local restaurants and stores. Maria’s Greek Cafe in Gardens in Cape Town has amazing lamb.

      I also recommend cage diving–I have been twice and saw a number of great whites both times, so it was worth it despite the seasickness! A multi-day safari in Kruger is also a must. In Limpopo, there is a cheetah sanctuary that is pretty cool as well.

10. Friend with 12 yo daughter & 15 yo son (hockey player, always hungry) is experiencing a family emergency and her husband had to leave the country. I offered to meal plan and gather stuff for hot dinners to be easily cooked/warmed up for next week. I haven’t cooked for kids for many years and need some suggestions. Family is low lactose, doesn’t do hotdishes, and is fairly tame in the spice department (will do stuff like tacos). Ideas??

    1. what is a ‘hotdish’? like the food has to be cold?

       1. hotdish means casserole where I’m from! (Minnesota)

          1. LOL YES!

             1. LOL I knew exactly what you meant :D

       2. I think it’s midwestern for ‘Cassarole’

          1. Minnesotan specifically. Not generic Midwestern.
             Signed, someone from Iowa :)

       3. Not OP but hotdish = casserole. Are you in Minnesota?

          1. Twin Cities LOL

       4. Hotdish is a Minnesota slash Midwest term for casserole. Usually features some kind of ground meat, either canned soup or a homemade béchamel type sauce, maybe corn or peas, cheese, and then the good ones are topped with tater tots!

          I personally would love to be the recipient of hotdish, but I can understand that some people might not like them.

          1. I live in a Carolina but the weather is cold/damp today and Hotdish sounds delish!

          2. Have lived in Ohio and Illinois and not heard ‘hotdish’ used locally. I think it’s an exclusively MN term.

             1. I think it’s upper Midwest (Dakotas and MN). Def not a term used in Illinois.

             2. Wisconsin uses it, too!

             3. Lived in the Dakotas and family from MN – that’s definitely where it’s used! Possibly also WI.

          3. That sounds awful. People eat that? Regularly?

             1. I’m not from the Midwest but I have cousins who are. If you don’t like the sound of hot dish, wait till you find out what they consider a salad.

             2. OMG thank you for this; I needed a chuckle :)

             3. I mean, baked ziti is basically hot dish with noodles, meat, and tomato sauce. It’s just a casserole. I get that the canned soup can gross people out, but there are plenty of recipes that use a simple béchamel.

                I will concede that topping the dish with tater tots sounds simultaneously horrifying and delicious.

             4. I think that lasagna topped with tater tots would be a delicious way to enter a food coma. Like what I will have after my colonoscopy and 2 days of starvation.

             5. Here in California we tend more towards enchilada sauce instead of bechamel, and crushed tortilla chips instead of tater tots! But bring on the cheese!!

             6. +1 to SA. Valley girl here. My parents never had a party where someone didn’t bring enchiladas or enchilada casserole. I was always excited about the sliced black olives dotting the top, just like an enchirito (en-chi-REE-tho). (Taco Bell in the 1970s reference)

             7. My favorite thing ever is bringing midwest “salads” to my PNW potlucks. Snickers salad and strawberry pretzel salads are my favorite!

             8. I don’t eat baked ziti either. I am always surprised when people get excited about it or when it is on a restaurant menu. It seems like something you make to fill up kids when you have run out of actual food. But maybe I am the weird one.

             9. Walnut – I’m 11:47 and I would honestly think you were one of my cousins except for the PNW comment, because those two “salads” are the ones they say are their favorites.

                They asked me what a California salad is if I think their salads are so funny, and all I could come up with is that it definitely involves avocado.

                Maybe the 7 layer salads of my childhood, perfect with the enchilada casseroles mentioned above.

                In reality, my favorite California salad is baby arugula with a breadcrumb-coated slice of warm chèvre ala Chez Panisse, but there was no way I was going to mention that!!

       5. thanks all. i’m from the northeast and had never heard that term before. for a recipe suggestion – do you have a crockpot? chicken with some sauce dumped on it in a crockpot + rice + vegetable

    2. Pulled pork sandwiches are easy to reheat and a crowd pleaser. Spaghetti sauce and cooked meatballs can be refrigerated and easily reheated, especially if kids can boil water for pasta (which I would hope the 15 year old can do, but I dunno, my kid is 7). Soups and stews are good options – chicken noodle or tomato soup or beef stew with a loaf of good bread? Pot roast with veggies. Rotisserie chicken and premade mashed potatoes. Pair all with a bagged salad or steam in bag veggies.

       This is very nice of you and I hope your friends family is ok.

       1. Sloppy joes also go over well.

    3. Since the kids will have healthy appetites, go for things that will be high in protein and can easily reheat. A roast chicken (or two) would be perfect with a tray of mashed potatoes, a green salad and rolls. A bowl of fruit salad that they can eat for a few days. Second the rec for pulled pork as well.

       1. This. Roast or baked chicken pieces (sheet pan) with some baked or mashed potatoes that can be reheated easily. Super healthy and son can grab multiple pieces, heat in microwave.

    4. Agree re above ideas – lasagna. Shockingly easy to make ahead. Can be frozen.
       – many dishes can be thrown together the night before and then baked for 30-45 min the next day. Cheesy hash browns aren’t hotdish but can be left in the fridge overnight and just thrown in oven if you can. Ditto Mac n cheese with low lactose or non – dairy cheese.
       – if you bring stuff for tacos, they could do stuffed bell peppers the next day for a different enough meal if they don’t love leftovers.

       Good luck!

       1. As someone who tends towards low lactose, the Costco frozen meat lasagna is surprisingly doable for me as it is more meaty and less cheesy than other store bought options. Plus, its a good comfort food. Same for the stuffed peppers from the deli section there. Just saying, you don’t need to cook everything…

    5. I cook like this all the time. Fast and easy to make is a requirement in my house. In any given week I usually have 2-3 dinners that are a combo of meat+veg+starch (e.g. grilled/baked chicken + potato + broccoli; broiled salmon + asparagus + rice; turkey burgers + french fries + side salad), then 2-3 “other” meals to keep things from being to repetitive (e.g. chili; pasta; tacos/burrito bowls). I supplement this with some nights of leftovers and/or take out. Not the most exciting, but keeps us fed and happy!

    6. Get a couple of packages of chicken thighs, a couple of packages of precut veggies (I like a broccoli/cauliflower mix), and a bag of tiny potatoes. Season and oil everything and then roast on sheet pans. Package up everything separately and give it to them with a tub of hummus or a bottle of ranch or both. This is an easy thing to have in the fridge to reheat or eat cold.

    7. Chicken and biscuits. Cook chicken and shred, make a gravy from the juices (or if you’re in a pinch you can use cream of chicken soup.) Mix together, season a bit with salt and pepper and a bit of poultry seasoning. Serve over biscuits — you can make your own or the Pillsbury canned biscuits work just as well. Bonus points — this freezes well and and you can drop it off with a couple cans of biscuits they can keep in the fridge and use when they need them for dinner. Easy to thaw out and heat and pop in the oven and bake.

       And now I’m hungry for chicken and biscuits. This also works well over waffles, too, plus, it’s a good and filling comfort food.

       1. Just had chicken on a biscuit last night! We add frozen peas and use cream of chicken soup. So good. But I must admit, it is, in essence, a deconstructed casserole/hot dish. :) no apologies on my end for Midwestern comfort foods!

    8. Fixings for taco bar where you make the ground beef and/or chicken filling, salsa, guacamole, shredded lettuce, shredded cheese and sour cream (if they are ok with a little milk/cheese), chopped tomatoes or pre-packaged fresh salsa, olives. Tortilla chips.

       Chili ether beef or vegetarian. Make a pan of cornbread from a mix or give them the mix and ingredients like eggs and oil. Some mixes use dairy – sub almond or soy milk. Include tortilla chips on the side too and a bag of premade salad with dressing. This chili mac recipe is good without adding the cheese at the end. https://www.budgetbytes.com/cheesy-vegetarian-chili-mac/

       Chicken Tikka Masala – this recipe is easily made on the stove or in Instant Pot and is dairy-free using olive oil to sauté and coconut milk as written. Not spicy hot if you don’t include the cayenne pepper. Make a pot of rice or include one of Trader Joe’s pre-cooked frozen rice packets. This is the best Indian food I’ve had outside a restaurant. https://www.wellplated.com/instant-pot-chicken-tikka-masala/

       Silver Palate’s Chicken Marbella is marinated chicken cooked with herbs, olives and prunes. The chicken is tender and tasty. It is cooked in the oven but I don’t consider it a casserole/hotdish because it has to have rice or potatoes cooked on the side. Or you could just roast a chicken a la Martha Stewart – put a sliced onion with a sliced lemon in the cavity and put butter and salt on the skin. But I’m spoiled by the easy use of Costco’s rotisserie chicken.

    9. Costco is your friend.

       The lasagna and the Chicken Pot Pie can feed them for a week. Or two.

11. Is weight loss as a side effect from medication considered a big deal? Honestly, its usually the opposite, but I’ve recently started something that I know has caused me to lose a little bit of weight (then it seems to stall out) in the past, and I think that is happening again. Frankly, I was trying to lose weight anyways, and I am exercising more/eating better, but this is definitely helping.

    1. I’d check with your doctor. I just got a small lecture that weight stabilization or gain should be my only goals during chemo, but that’s an odd circumstance.

       1. Can we talk about how my cancer/chemo weight loss came exclusively at the cost of my leg muscle? God forbid it touch my rear end or stomach…

          1. Ughhhhhhh that sounds par for the course.

    2. Talk to your doctor- unexplained weight loss is a key sign of all sorts of bad stuff eg diabetes

12. I know we have done this before, but I am looking for a black nylon laptop/work tote that will fit under the airline seat. I am replacing a Radley Spring Park tote that I love but is a bit worn. Dagne Dover is sold out. Lo and Sons looks lovely but a bit too large and expensive?….please recommend. I don’t want a “black hole” tote…would like two internal sections, one for laptop, can be padded but does not have to be – would like like 13.5 inch wide. Thanks in advance.

    1. Lo and Sons does have sales a few times a year (30%?) so maybe keep an eye out for those. I have an older iteration (the Brookline?) that is familiar to the Seville nylon. It’s very sturdy and super easy to travel with, I would recommend it on sale (I recall it being in the $250 range a few years back?).
       If I was buying new I’d be very tempted with either the Cuyana system tote, or a Nylon backpack (there was a round up not long ago).

    2. North Face has one I like and get compliments on.

       1. North Face or Nordace? Can you post link?

       2. Ugh, my information was outdated. I no longer see the one I bought (that was four years ago, now that I think of it… Strange how the pandemic changes time). This is the closest one I could find, and it’s not as sleek.https://www.thenorthface.com/shop/recon-nf0a52sh?variationId=KX7&utm_content=ecomm&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=US+%7C+all+%7C+Hybrid+%7C+SHOP+-+AUT+~+All+-+Med+-+LIA&utm_term=PRODUCT_GROUP&gclid=CjwKCAiA9tyQBhAIEiwA6tdCrKYVkZeEC2LaAT1VaVZhDl3L6tZufhAsVYHWMQnBM4nH4i_Qk4W-xRoCvxsQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

    3. I genuinely like my Tumi tote, it is indestructible.

13. Anyone here been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease? How long did it take you to get a diagnosis? And do you see an endocrinologist or just have it managed by your PCP?

    I’ve had a goiter (enlarged thyroid) since I was 18 – turning 40 now. For years I’ve had my TSH levels checked & its been normal. After I had my youngest 2yrs ago, I realized that I wasn’t just dealing with postpartum stuff, it was actually my thyroid. My PCP back then put me on a low dose of Synthroid and that helped in the beginning, but I’m currently on 50mcg and it’s doing nothing. I think I actually have Hashimoto’s but it’s just a guess based on the symptoms. I’d like to get an antibody test but I don’t know where to start – I don’t have a PCP right now and the one I managed to book a new patient appt with won’t see me until May. Do I just jump to an endocrinologist? And how do I find one – I’m in a big city so there are a ton of options, and I don’t know anyone in town who can give me a personal recommendation.

    1. I have Hashimoto’s but it’s just managed with Synthroid. Get bloodwork done and see if you need a higher dose. I’ve read that some people respond better to natural thyroid hormone rather than synthetic, so maybe bring that up with the doctor as well. I had an endo I loved for years, but when my insurance changed and I had to find a new one I just read Google and Zocdoc reviews until I found one that sounded good and made an appointment. If you happen to be in DC (and have Cigna insurance), I recommend Dr. Melissa Loughney. Good luck!

    2. Yes, I have Hashimoto’s. It would honestly surprise me if you never had an antibody test done, especially with a doc putting you on Synthroid. At the end of the day, Hashimoto’s is treated with Synthroid, so you’re getting the necessary treatment for it.

       But anyway, yes, go to an endocrinologist. If you don’t have someone who can recommend one to you, just go on your insurance website and pick one. Give her your history, and she’ll order blood tests accordingly. Possibly also a thyroid ultrasound to see what’s going on if you still have a goiter. The thing with thyroid disorders is that your thyroid function can and will change over time, which means you will need a different dose. With Hashimoto’s I’m pretty sure it never gets better, but there could be other disorders I don’t know about (but an endo would) that can cause fluctuations. You will need to get your TSH checked every couple months to “dial in” the dose, as it’s called.

       Also know that if you do have Hashimoto’s (or another disorder), your endo will probably want to get your TSH to the lower end of normal, not just within the normal range. And the definition of a normal TSH has also changed over time, so what was once considered normal is now considered too high.

    3. I have Hashimoto’s and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. So far, every year I have had to increase my dose of medication. I can tell when I am feeling more tired than normal, cold all the time, and notice more hair loss in the shower. For me, my PCP has been great at helping me manage it. If I feel like I need my meds increased, I just email her and ask her to put in an order for a blood test. Then I go to the lab and she emails me back (this is all actually done through an app they use) and says she will send in a prescription for an increased dose. I have also found that I feel a lot better if I am on the lower end of the normal range, so last time my labs came back normal but on the high end and I asked her if we could still increase my dose of levothyroxine and she agreed.

    4. I have Hashimotos (confirmed by needle biopsy of thyroid nodules) that is perfectly managed by Synthroid, as mentioned by another poster. I’m mid 50s and was diagnosed in my 20s.

    5. I’ve found endocrinologists kind of hit or miss for Hashimoto’s, though the good ones are very good. Some of them seem to think it’s boring and beneath their attention since often it is managed by primary care. Vitals.com might be a way to see if you can find an endocrinologist who actually welcomes thyroid patients.

       Not every thyroid patient does well on just Synthroid, which is why Cytomel exists.

       Hashimoto’s is way more common than Celiac or pernicious anemia, but those are some comorbidities to keep an eye out for (they have antibody panels too) since they can sometimes explain persisting symptoms when thyroid levels are well and truly in hand.

       Endocrinologists tend to completely ignore the autoimmune component of the condition. Because of some other conditions I have, my immunologist has me on low dose naltrexone, and I fall into the anecdotal set of people who actually needed to lower their thyroid dose while on this med, and whose dose has now been stable for years. So based on my personal experience, I wish I had tried this sooner, but only some doctors take this approach.

       1. Also found endocrinologists hit and miss. I’ve been better off finding a GP who specialises in hormone conditions and autoimmune diseases.

          I’d also recommend Dr Isabella Wentz’s books and podcasts.

14. I have a friend moving to Nashville next week. Any ideas for a gift card to a local chain or something like that? I don’t want to send anything to her home given she’ll be in the midst of moving, so I think gift card is probably the best bet.

    1. Food? Coffee? What part of town? Frothy Monkey is a cute coffee shop with several locations.

    2. M Street is a restaurant group with medium and upscale options and I think you can get a gift card for the group. Frothy Monkey or Barista Parlor are great coffee options. Hattie B’s is hot chicken with several locations, or Slim & Husky’s pizza has a few locations too. These are all generally near the city but if your friend is in the suburbs I would have some other recommendations.

    3. Third vote for Frothy Monkey. Also Urban Juicer has several locations. If you know generally what part of town or burbs, we could probably provide more options.

15. People typically dress up and put thought into their outfits, make up, etc for first dates and second dates. If you are dating someone for a few months after that, and not living together, how much do you dress up / care about your appearance each time you see them?
    There’s obviously no one answer to this, just curious about what folks do

    1. I think it very much depends on your personal preferences. Unless I’m sick, pre/post workout, or truly not leaving my house that day I’ll usually wear makeup, even during the pandemic when the only people who ‘saw’ me were my colleagues on Zoom. Makeup for me is blush/eyeshadow/liner/mascara and maybe some concealer if I have a blemish – I’m too old to have grown up with the whole contour/baking trend but my normal everyday makeup just makes me feel more like me. Ditto with generally wearing a somewhat cute outfit. I’m talking well fitting jeans/pants and a nice sweater/blouse, not like Emily Gilmore levels of ‘ladies who lunch’ outifts. Will I kick it up a few notches for dates? Absolutely, but my baseline setting is pretty pulled together.

    2. Be yourself, whatever that means for you.

       1. Yep. For some people that’s make-up, some it’s not.

          For me, it means light make-up (tinted moisturizer, bronzer, blush, eyebrow pencil, mascara) and pulled together casual clothes (sometimes a cute athleisure set!)

    3. I don’t. I wear no makeup and covid has been all about the sweats. We met in late ‘19. That said, when we go out to dinner, or an outdoor art show, I do wear minimal makeup and a dress and sometimes heels or at least not plain black flats. My bf always notices and raves about it. If I’m being honest, i would say he does the same – T shirts and jeans/work pants most days, nicer jeans and a sweater when we go out somewhere.

       Counterpoint: a friend of mine has lived with bf for 7 years, does a full face of makeup daily, regular blowouts, most daily outfits chosen with care. He sometimes complains about her time to get ready but I do think it’s a big thing for them.

       You do you!

       1. Honestly, I would love to be your friend minus the full face of make up. He definitely dresses up too – I’m not sure what he wears to work but for example I know he can wear tshirts at work but hasn’t when we meet. I think I”m trying to figure out the difference between normal dressing up like you would do for dinner with anyone vs. trying to dress more s e x y or male gaze-y, which could just be a me thing.

    4. it would depend on the plans! If it’s just making dinner at home or getting takeout etc, leggings and a comfy but cute top, minimal makeup if any. If it’s something more involved, I’d dress more nicely than that regardless of whether I was on a date or not (like going to a museum, restaurant, show, exhibit, whatever).

    5. After about date 4, I want to start setting a standard I can live with long term. For me, that means a causal dress for a dinner date and jeans and a t-shirts for basically any thing else.

    6. For me, Date 50 is very similar to Date 1/2. It’s a date.

    7. Totally depends on the circumstances and relationship. I’ve been seeing someone for several months but because I’m uncomfortable doing indoor dining and it’s freezing here, he often just comes over and we cook and watch tv. When we go out, I’m in a cute outfit with make up etc. at home I’m in sweat pants and a hoodie with my hair up.

16. Freshly ground hazelnut coffee beans in the chemex. Morning made!

    I’m guessing a true chemex user wouldn’t deign flavored beans but also…people have multitudes, right?

    1. I love good coffee but any coffee purist that turns up their nose at flavored beans, I’ve got no time for whatsoever. We picked up some bourbon chocolate coffee beans at a local roaster the other day and OHHH EMMM GEEE that was some great coffee. I made it in the Technivorm, not the Chemex, but it was magical.

       1. Care to share the roaster? I love bourbon chocolate beans but have a terribly hard tme finding them.

          1. It’s a small local artisan chocolate shop that just started roasting their own coffee beans; their website doesn’t show the beans are available to ship (and actually their site hasn’t been updated since Valentine’s Day; all the chocolate-covered strawberry specials are still on there, LOL). Sorry! I hope you find a reliable source somewhere!

       2. These sound AMAZING!

    2. OK this actually sounds really good (and, I imagine, smells delicious). How are the beans flavored? I think I’ve only had hazelnut coffee when the flavor is through syrup and that’s too sweet for me.

       1. I think the key here is having beans that have the flavor vs. the syrup, which I agree can skew sweet. Found this link that has examples that I have not tried: https://www.findthisbest.com/best-roasted-coffee-beans/hazelnut

          Also when I googled “hazelnut flavored coffee beans” I saw a link talking about how horrible hazelnut and other flavored coffees are…bahaha

          1. Eek, I mean beans that are flavored with the syrup/flavoring s vs. putting the syrup in the coffee, as those syrups skew sweet.

       2. If you’re near a Fresh Market grocery store, they still sell flavored beans like it’s 1988. Love it!

    3. My former-barista husband loves the Nespresso Forest Fruit pods, which are flavored. As long as it smells good, who cares!

    4. One of the things I love about my midwestern hometown is that coffee served at conferences and event is never just caff and decaf. It’s caff, hazelnut, and decaf.

    5. I am a flavored coffee fan as well. Coffee a.m. Orange (flavored with real orange rind) is a favorite as is the Highlander Grog. The Grog might work for bourbon devotees?

17. Hi all – Super Anon checking in.
    I am back in town after a few weeks away from my husband and it was really nice to get away and have some space. Coming back has been hard and I feel very numb toward him. I am enjoying being in my house again but I feel pretty neutral toward him now instead of the anger that I felt when I was away. He is super apologetic but is also asking me things like “how do you prioritize being truthful over self preservation” which just show he has no idea what I need or how to get there.

    I am thinking about subletting or Airbnbing an apartment nearby to get more space, or having him move out and in with friends temporarily. I have no idea how to broach this with him since he will see it as me leaving him. I don’t really have a question but I welcome any advice or thoughts you wonderful ladies have.

    1. My only suggestion, with kindness, is to consider consulting an attorney. Not necessarily with divorce in mind, but in my state (Midwest) there are different realities depending on the name(s) on the deed, the name(s) on the mortgage, and the name(s) on the lease, as well as where the money comes from to pay for those things. My best attorney friend is a family law attorney and I am surprised at how many people leave a house and then that is a factor down the road for negotiations. Please know I’m not saying don’t try a live apart scenario – I’m merely suggesting a couple hours of legal counsel so you have some background and guidance before you decide.

       1. I have an attorney and she has given me good advice in this area. It is not completely straightforward so I would only move out with my husband on board that any cost is joint (in writing). Thank you.

    2. He’s the one at fault here so he should be the one who has to make the sacrifice of staying in a rental/sublet or with friends.

    3. I’m rooting for you! You deserve peace and happiness. I don’t really have any good advice though.

    4. I moved my husband out to a shared house, because he was the offending party that needed to get his ish together.

       1. Did he get it together?

          1. Yes, but it took couples counseling and time. He moved back in about a year later, but only after hitting the point where he sincerely and not in a BS way apologized and showed how much he wanted us back together. In the meantime I did personal counseling and lots of stress reduction activities to stay on as even a keel as I could. We have been married for 20 more years.

       2. I echo the advice to consult a lawyer. I can’t remember if you said but are you in counseling? I’m very leery of couples counseling in cases of infidelity, but individual counseling to work through your feelings and what outcomes you can see working for you if you are not already.

          I agree that ideally he should be the one to move. He has disrupted your life more than enough.

          Has he offered any idea of what he sees as the best possible outcome from this, other than you forgive him and go back to status quo?

          1. Thanks. I have a good lawyer and a better therapist!

             One of the major issues I have right now is that he is focused on reconciling and not on what he needs to do to change. The changes he has made are specifically what I have asked and even then seem minimal to me (eg – I need to see his commitment to telling people the truth, but he has not told people including our couples therapist the extent of his online posting).

             I told myself at the beginning of this I would wait 6 months before making a drastic decision but it does seem like he has made almost zero progress in 4 months now. Still, when I am with him I can tell that I instinctively love him – I don’t think that’s enough but it makes this very hard.

             1. You are handling this so well given everything. So glad you have your legal and therapy team behind you.

                Your husband’s refusal to tell your couples therapist everything is exactly why I am leery of it – the temptation for image management versus really addressing the problems. But there is little you can do than try.

                All things being equal legally (if you move out then, he surprises you by filing, does that impact your settlement – things it sounds like you are being proactive about) I would just ask myself would I rather be in my house or have a change of scene.

             2. “he is focused on reconciling and not on what he needs to do to change.”

                AKA, “C’MON BABE, this wasn’t that big of a deal, if you could just get over it we can move on with our lives like nothing happened! Until of course I do it again and we have to go through this entire song and dance all over again, from the top.”

                OP, put his a** out!

             3. Think of your future self. In 5 years you could be with a man you love and trust, who respects you. Or you could still be in the same place with someone who cheats on you mired in the same misery.

    5. I’m sorry, “how do you prioritize being truthful over self preservation”? What? Did he do more shady stuff while you were gone? Is he trying to decide whether he should tell you about that?

       Absolutely see an attorney. Even if you stay together you need to know what all your options are and how it would all work.

       1. I think he was saying this in reference to his inability to tell anyone the full truth, including our couples therapist. This has been a topic for us this week. Of course it brings up lots of questions about if he is telling me the full truth (spoiler – I think he’s not).

          1. This question is one that would literally only make sense to a compulsive liar. Which it sounds like he is. This is not self preservation by telling white lies (e.g., the store was out of avocadoes vs. I forgot to buy avocadoes), this is Big Lies with Consequences. Maybe it’s just about infidelity, but it’s probably not. Are there other things he’s lied about in the past, or that you suspect him of lying about now? Or maybe it is just about infidelity, in which case he’s still a POS if he can’t even own up to all of that.

          2. In general, cheaters aren’t the most honest of people. And (in my experience) they tend to drip, drip, drip the information. You might never know the full truth, because he still wants to call himself a good guy.

             1. +1 OP you should point blank ask your husband if he thinks he’s a good guy, his answer will tell you all you need to know.

          3. He seems to be asking this question as if it’s a new concept to him that being honest is part of accountability. Gee whiz! I honestly don’t think that someone with this attitude has any business being married. Commitment to something other than yourself comes with responsibility. OP, I share your concern that you still don’t know everything, and there’s no way to be sure when or whether you will.

             I admire the time and space you’ve taken to think this through. Stick to your 6-month idea if you still want to. But it seems clear that you can’t trust this person.

    6. “how do you prioritize being truthful over self preservation”

       I’m sorry, what? Is he trying to say that he lied because he was more interested in saving his own a** than he was in maintaining trust and honesty with you? LMAO. No sh*t, Sherlock! Of course people want to save their own skins rather than own up to doing something awful, he is not a genius for figuring that out. He is a bad husband for feeling like his self-preservational instinct is more important than being honest with you and holding to the vows you made when you got married. What in the actual f—.

       Girl, you have tried really hard to make this work and I think there is wisdom and truth in knowing when to call it. You tried. He doesn’t get it. He’d rather troll around Craigslist looking for strange than prioritize your feelings, or the relationship. He’d rather justify his own deceptions and lack of transparency than examine the root cause of why he felt compelled to do this in the first place, and then make amends for hurting you. Which means whatever he was doing behind your back is still going on, or it’s going to happen again.

       As for getting out (or getting him out, which is what I’d recommend): you have to just rip off the band-aid. “I feel like I still need some space and time with this, especially as it doesn’t seem like you’re willing to take my concerns seriously and you wish to remain mired in your own narcissistic justifications of your reprehensible actions. I’d like you to move out, please find a place to stay and be out by (date, time).” Then go for a walk with your earbuds in and listen to Cyn’s song “Drinks” on repeat.

       I am being flippant but I am genuinely sorry you are going through this. I had hope for you, but I don’t think this is salvageable. There is life on the other side of this situation and the longer you hang on to the idea you can fix this, the longer you’re prolonging your misery. Good luck. Big hugs.

       1. Yeah “how do you prioritize truth over self preservation” sounds very much like “it benefits me to lie because I don’t like what will happen if I tell the truth.” OP, you deserve much, much better than this.

          1. +1. And to Anon@11:49’s point, no sh*t, Sherlock! It benefits all of us to lie because we don’t like what will happen if we tell the truth. Most of us take a deep breath and deal with the unpleasantness of other people knowing we f*ed up. Maybe we try harder not to f* up next time because we care when we hurt other people.

             So how do you prioritize truth over self preservation? You put the needs of the person you love and the relationship that’s important to you over your own self preservation, without making it sound like some deep philosophical question. He’s clearly not willing to do that.

    7. Stop all this time wasting. Hire a lawyer. Figure out how to best protect yourself in a divorce. No one is coming to save you. You have to take care of yourself.

       1. Super Anon, on the other side of a divorce I really did not want at the time, I promise you it gets better. Even once I made the decision (if that’s what you do decide), my mind was instantly calmer. It only got better once he had moved out. And I’ve been in a different relationship for several years now, and the difference in being with someone you trust and feel like you can breathe around is huge.

          1. Cosign this a million percent.

             Also, we were living in a house I had bought on my own before we were married. I knew he would never move out, so I packed up and left, thinking that at the end of the day I would probably get it back. Spoiler alert: He ended up with the house in the divorce (it actually worked to my advantage because he gave up other things to get it) and I didn’t even care. It was just so great to be away from him and not, as my therapist at the time described it, living with an emotional terrorist on site.

             And yes, now I am married to someone who is kind and honest and it blows my mind that I put up with all that foolishness for so long. (But note that being by myself was also a million times better than being married to Former Guy.)

             Hugs to you. The magic of healing can’t happen until you find the courage to call it quits. I know it’s hard but it is so worth it.

    8. You’re brave to keep posting and I appreciate you updating us. I think you’re getting some sharpness in responses because we all want to punch your lying, cheating husband in his lying, cheating face.

       And there are many of us who have been there, done that, and want to make sure you’re not lying to yourself. I’m one of them. But please know it comes from a place of caring. Hugs to you.

    9. It’s so good to hear from you. I send you virtual hugs and a lot of love. Good for you for continuing to work through this. Please continue to keep us posted.

18. for those of you who are not comfortable with indoor dining yet (no judgment please, there are immunocompromised people, those who live with immunocompromised, etc. etc.) how do you handle indoor dining that comes up for work? can i just go and wear a mask?

    1. I’m super comfortable dining in, and I don’t think twice when people decline an invite out. I haven’t had a single meal when people did not eat. I have had several meals when someone removed their mask only for eating. If declining forever sounds bad, I wouldn’t blink at “I can’t make it work this week, but I’ll follow up when spring is here!” And then I may or may not notice if they do follow up when spring comes and outdoor dining is a thing. (If needed, with an advance: “I’d prefer to eat outside. Do you mind bringing a coat in case the wind picks up?”)

    2. I have done some variation of: decline (most commonly), request outdoors (not feasible now since I am in the Northeast but did this through December), or adjust dining plans for maximum comfort and wear a mask. The third option means: work breakfasts at ~10 instead of lunches, going to large hotel restaurants with high ceilings that are largely empty or dinners in private rooms or small restaurants where we can do a buy out, asking my team to take rapid tests day of, and often wearing my mask except when actively eating.

       Caveats: I’m senior enough that I’m usually the decider for these things, I don’t get FOMO so don’t mind missing stuff when I’m not comfortable, vaxes and routine testing are already required by my workplace, and generally everyone has been understanding of wide ranges of Covid comfort levels. The health condition that makes me more conservative is known too.

    3. We talked about riding the waves recently. I’m immunocompromised so I wouldn’t have gone a month ago. I’m now three weeks out from my 4th vaccination and cases are down in my area, so I would consider going. I’d be much more comfortable if it were an outside table (I’m in California so that’s a year round thing here) and between the delta and omicron waves, it gave me a lot of comfort to go to a restaurant that was checking vaccination cards at the door.

       I’m planning to attend an indoor event in early March but plan to stay masked the whole time. The organizer is a long time friend and understands my restrictions, and I doubt I will be eating or drinking there.

       We all just have to do what works for us and our personal situations. Im fortunately at a point in my career where no one can pressure me to do anything I don’t want to do – I’d just laugh at such an approach.

       1. 4th Vaccination? I’m a little surprised. Who advised you to take this?

          I have a family member who has a primary Immunodeficiency and is on monthly IVIG meds and serious additional treatments, and even his Immunologist has not told him to take another shot. And his doc basically told him to avoid all indoor activities and never eating indoors etc.. probably indefinitely.

          1. My husband has Crohn’s and had his 4th vax a couple of weeks ago at doctor request. No co-morbidities–just that he takes Humira. So I don’t find it surprising at all.

          2. Hi, I also have a primary immunodeficiency and am on replacement gammaglobulin meds. It has not been well-publicized, but the FDA and CDC are now recommending a fourth shot for immunocompromised patients. I took it a few weeks ago and, to my pleasant surprise, produced antibodies (and have now been cautiously dining indoors again, as cases in my area are low again). Recommend that your relative check back with his immunologist about this as the guidance has only recently changed.

          3. My rheumatologist also never contacted me to have the 4th shot, but I’ve been keeping up on all the publications and saw that the CDC recommended it for us. Our 3rd shot was considered part of our primary series, and the 4th shot was a booster.

             When I saw my rheumatologist for a regular appointment (I go every 3 months) after my 4th shot, he said “oh good, I’m glad you got that.” So he wasn’t against it at all, he just wasn’t proactively reaching out to his patients about it.

    4. Why is indoor dining coming up for work? If they are this insensitive, you should quit.

       1. Because it’s actually fine to do now.

          1. No, it is not fine to ask people to do work-related indoor dining now. The risk in many places is still too high for many people to find acceptable, and it’s coercive.

             1. lol

             2. Totally agree with this. Why is it so hard for people to understand that you may want to accept certain risks, and that’s fine, but you don’t get to force other people to take those risks because our health profiles and risk tolerances vary??

          2. No. It’s not fine to do this now. My doctor advised against it.

       2. Hi from the purple state in a red county – indoor dining has been a thing again in my industry since the summer when vaccines were available for adults. The associations, conferences, meetings, and other companies are all in person again – and indoor dining comes with that. Not saying it’s right or wrong, but if OP were in my industry they could absolutely decline the invitation or wear a mask during the meal without any side eye from most people. But to get to a company that doesn’t invite them to any person dining/meetings at all, they’d have to leave the industry and probably the state.

          So OP, if you’re in an area like mine – you can decline if you don’t feel comfortable. You can wear a mask. I don’t recommend you quit because I don’t know where you’d go, unless you went to a completely remote role or a role where you weren’t on a team (both things are rare in my industry/area, but I’m sure could be found).

          1. *edit – my wording is weird in the first sentence. I live in a red county in a purple state. I’m an outspoken blue voter whose optimistically trying to show all the Fox-watching neighbors that liberals aren’t crazy/stupid/out to get their guns.

             1. Thanks for supporting WW3 Bonnie. Keep that energy

       3. I don’t think it’s insensitive at this stage. Last year at this time, yes.

       4. This seems like a pretty serious overreaction.

       5. My husband’s company has banned all work-related indoor dining. No lunch meetings, not even informal gatherings of colleagues. They don’t want anyone who is immunocompromised or has safety concerns for any reason to be left out of networking and teambuilding opportunities. I think it’s great.

          1. that’s amazing! idk what company your husband works for, but they should get this picked up by a news outlet or in some kind of article bc it is great marketing for hiring practices

          2. That is so good to hear.

    5. I just decline. My family varies our activity based on risk level but indoor dining is about the riskiest thing you can do (since no one is masked and ventilation is often poor) and we have not done it since the start of the pandemic. For indoor activities where I could wear a mask, I would go if numbers were low.

    6. So this is going to be a controversial opinion here, but if you’re in an area that’s back to normal (most of the country at this point), and this is an important work function (if it’s not, just decline), you need to suck it up and figure out how to make it work. They might say they’re fine, but they’re not, they’re judging you.

       It’s okay if you’re okay taking the professional hit, but you need to know you’re probably going to take one.

       If it doesn’t matter, just try to punt – they’ll probably forget. But if it’s a work dinner with clients or the like, I’m sorry, but you need to match the client comfort level. Your own doesn’t really matter – it’s like wearing what they wear to the office. You might not see it that way, and people probably shouldn’t see it that way (I’m not saying any of this is good), but it’s reality.

       I think advice here tends toward the “ideal” world rather than reality sometimes. You standing up for yourself will likely not change anything at your organization, but it could hurt your career. You just have to decide what you care about more.

       1. This won’t be controversial–it’s the prevailing attitude in the workplace. It’s also the reason that employers have trouble retaining good employees.

       2. Found the boss who is planning a team lunch in a restaurant.

          1. If you care less about your career or your ability to make a living in the future than you do about Covid (which, P.S. if you are not immunocompromised, are fully vaccinated and boosted, and are under 65, the risks are minimal), that’s fine and that’s your prerogative. But FYI, the world is moving on from the pandemic and people who refuse to do that out of fear not supported by data will likely experience repercussions from it professionally.

          2. This is very much like that lady who wanted to take a week off to go canoeing in a swamp or something and got mad when people told her that would probably negatively impact her professionally. There is a difference between what would be ideal and what is reality. Pointing out what is actually reality does not make somebody a bad person.

       3. I’m sure someone’s going to react to what you’re saying but this is good, commonsense advice. I went on a business trip last year in September during the Delta wave that I had some anxiety about, but we had an emergency at one of our company’s work locations and I needed to be on-site to help solve the crisis. Had I declined to go over Covid fears, nominally people would have “understood” but I think I would definitely have heard some things, come performance-review time. There’s the ideal world, and the world we really live in. Unfortunately for some, there’s going to be increasing scrutiny on non-immunocompromised, fully vaccinated and boostered employees who still refuse to travel, go to client meetings, dine indoors, etc. As you said, people need to weigh their own risk tolerance against the hit their career (and possibly professional reputation) will take.

       4. i totally agree with you on what the expectations in some places probably are, but honestly, if this is yours or you are senior enough to have any power, try not to hold it against people. wearing what they wear to the office does not come with the risk of illness or death

       5. This is a much bigger deal than wearing what they wear, for gods sake. The OP specially asked about immunocompromised people.

          It’s like oh, everyone is wearing heels. I prefer flats, but since everyone is wearing heels I will wear those and unfortunately that might land me in the hospital with long term consequences if not death, but hey business dinner.

       6. I second Anon at 12:25. The world has moved on. You can certainly decline but don’t expect there to be no repercussions. The world is open and business lunches, conferences, tradeshows, etc are back. If you chose to simply not engage in those, I’d venture to guess you will eventually take a hit. As someone who worked directly with the public at the beginning of the pandemic, when we knew little about the virus, I can’t help but side eye this as well.

          1. What an ableist comment. There are a lot of people who have unvaccinated kids or have health issues that put them or their family at greater risk. I’m really glad I don’t work in an industry where people will side-eye me for not being willing to put my kid’s health at risk for a business dinner.

             For what it’s worth, where I work, all in-person events (including dining) are still 100% optional right now, and I didn’t think twice about declining invitations to dine indoors on my business trip this week.

             1. I am side eyeing you because there are MILLIONS of people who have went to work every day, regardless of their own health, kids vax status, etc so YOU can live your life. Truckers moving your food, those who work at grocery stores, any retail employee, etc. It is not ablest to say that perhaps refusing to dine in at a business lunch seems wildly out of touch to a large part of the working population.

             2. I agree it’s ableist – to the person below you talking about truckers and grocery workers and so forth — none of those people are required to be maskless at their jobs!

             3. Agreed.

             4. “I didn’t think twice about declining invitations to dine indoors on my business trip this week.”

                And that may fly right now, but in a month or so you are definitely going to look like the weird one for refusing to do what everyone else is doing, and likely has been doing for months. Be sure to come back when you need resume advice after you get laid off for refusing to serve clients and not being a team player.

             5. To Anon at 5:57pm: LOLOLOL. I’m pretty senior, and I’m not at all worried about losing my job. I’m sorry you’re apparently so dispensable at your job that that’s the first thing that came to YOUR mind. It’s so depressing to me how many well-off women on this board are so afraid that they’ll lose their job for having an ounce of backbone at their offices.

       7. There’s no ‘back to normal’. There’s a new normal and that involves people protecting their health because companies don’t care about it, only profit.

          1. Are you choosing to “protect your health” by being unemployed, then?

          2. Agreed.

    7. Politely decline and say you look forward to catching up another time.

    8. I told my firm that I was uncomfortable attending an indoor, 20+ person lunch because I have type 1 diabetes. Fortunately, they seemed to understand.

19. Greece travel advice please! DH and I are planning a 2 week trip in June. We’ll fly into Santorini and spend 3 nights there, then (tentatively) 4 nights in Athens at the end of the trip. We can’t decide whether to spend the intervening 7 nights in Crete or one or more of the smaller Cyclades islands. We’re not into laying on the beach. We’ll hike, go to museums/ruins, visit wineries, and a day (no more than a day) of scuba diving. All else being equal I think I’d prefer fewer transfers. Wwyd?

    1. Good choice to spend 4 nights in Athens – IMHO it’s underrated and the food is SO inexpensive for the quality!

       Crete is on our list for our next Greece trip, but if you’re interested in making the logistics easier on yourself, either Naxos or Paros is an easy “pair” with Santorini due to ferry routes. Take the Blue Star ferries rather than the high-speed as it’s SO much more enjoyable to be able to sit outside and soak up the views :)

       Matt Barrett’s guides to Greece & islands are really helpful in figuring out how to allocate your time.

       1. I like Athens too.

       2. Good point about ferries! I’ve read so many mixed reviews of ferries that I’d planned to fly from island to island, but maybe I should reconsider.

          1. omg, take at least one ferry. Blue Star tends to be most reliable since they are truly enormous boats. An afternoon cruise from Santorini to Naxos or Paros is honestly a sightseeing activity all on its own. Plus Blue Star cruises the length of the Santorini caldera so you get gorgeous views from below.

          2. If you get seasick at all and can afford to fly, I would strongly recommend flying. The reason to do the ferries is mainly to save money, and spending hours vomiting off the side of the ferry is not particularly fun (just ask my husband and half the people on our ferry trip). I did not think it was particularly scenic, fwiw, and wished we had just flown instead. I mean, I guess it’s scenic if it’s the only way you’re going to see the islands, but if you’re staying on the islands you’ll have plenty of nicer views.

             1. oh, that s-cks you got bad weather! We thought it was great and if anyone else on our ferry felt bad we didn’t notice. Had calm seas, didn’t have to worry about sticking to airline baggage requirements mid-trip which really helped with re-packing, and enjoyed sunning ourselves on the deck sipping some wine and nibbling leftover pastries from our previous stop. Way more pleasant than airport security.

                Of course if you’re prone to being seasick then YMMV.

             2. I do not get seasick, but I didn’t enjoy it either. It took a lot longer than flying, and I think there were some plastic chairs to sit in outside, but it wasn’t like there were sunbeds and food and drinks. Sounds like we weren’t on the same ferry, maybe. Ours felt very “budget transport for backpackers” and less “luxury cruise.” It was fine. But I wouldn’t describe it as nicer than flying at all.

    2. we loved our time in Crete. We stayed in Chania and it was fantastic. It is a large island and i know some people who split their time between the two sides of Crete. If you can, I’d reverse your trip and start in Athens and end up Santorini. I would also say you don’t need 4 nights in Athens, unless you plan on some day trips

       1. the only disadvantage of flipping the trip in this way is that rather than already being “on the ground” for your flight home, you either have to waste one night getting yourself back to Athens, or do the riskier move of flying Santorini to ATH the morning of your return flight.

          1. oh wait, I guess the OP could fly home from Santorini through another connection in Europe. When we went, the itineraries to go that way were really irritating from a sleep perspective, so we opted to fly nonstop to and from Athens.

             1. The Santorini airport is horrific though and flights are not consistent. I would fly back to Athens post-sunset (stay in an airport hotel) and fly out of Greece the next day. Worst case scenario you lose the night in the airport hotel.

             2. Yeah I want to avoid the irritation of a long trip and layover at the end of vacation. I’m much more tolerant of annoying travel/layovers to get to an amazing location than to get back home. We can fly direct from Athens to home.

          2. We just stayed in an airport hotel in Athens. It didn’t waste a day. We flew from Santorini after dinner and our flight to US left in the morning so we were only at the hotel for about 12 hours and were mostly asleep for that time. The hotel (Sofitel) was lovely. I always like to do the city part first then the islands or countryside when I travel.

       2. We did a week in Crete a couple of years ago and loved it. We loved Chania and also explored a lot of other places: https://www.mondobiketours.com/tours/view/crete-bike-tour (fun fact — that’s my husband on the right in the beer-cheers photo!).

    3. I’m heading to Greece for a third visit, first time to Crete. A few days in a nice Athens hotel at the start of the trip will help with overcoming jet lag but I’d agree that four days might be too long. I took a bus tour on the first day to get the lay of the land, and hopped on and off at sites I wanted to explore. Santorini (specifically Oia) was so crowded it was unpleasant but the views from the top of the hill
       are spectacular. This time, I will be in Chania on a swim trek and plan to spend a few extra days there diving.

    4. Are you not going to Delfos or Meteora? The Delfos museum is amazing and Meteora (north) is totally different from the coast and archipielago. There are tours that take you to both places.
       We did 2 days in Athens, 2-3 Delfos-Metora and 3 Mykonos (with Delos) and 3 Santorini.

20. Op here thx will check out Brookline…Medium Seville is $478 and a bit larger than I need (has shoe compartment in bottom). And thx for lead on the Cuyana…

21. Need reccomendations for a special dinner in Boston for the beginning of April!

    DH and I are traveling to Boston for a family wedding. We both grew up in the NE area but have lived a plane ride away for almost 10 years. One of our non-wedding event evenings (with NO expectation of being with or near family) will happen to be a milestone anniversary for us, and we want to do something special for dinner. Help us decide where to go!

    Price is not really a factor, and we enjoy most things (but a sushi or omakase situation would not be great; seafood is good but not beloved by both in the group). Just needs to be T or Uber/Lyft accessible from the Downtown Crossing/Gov’t Center area (hotel).

    1. I’d suggest Mama Maria’s and tell them it’s a special occasion, they have small tables in the very front of the restaurant that overlook the North End which are just gorgeous. If Italian isn’t your thing, No.9 Park is also a quintessential ‘fancy occassion’ dinner. The new Four Seasons has an outpost of ‘Zuma’ if you’d prefer asian-inspired.

    2. Contessa, Sorellina, Grill 23, No. 9 Park

    3. A friend raved about Yvonne’s in that area.

22. Hi all – reporting back. I spoke to DH about his depression/resentment and it went well.

    Re DD #2 – He told me he knows it’s something he has to work through, and he is talking to friends about it (which I didn’t know). I stood my ground and firmly said, look in the past I haven’t said much when you get into these funks but now it has the potential to affect your relationship with DD #2, DD #1 and DD #2 relationship, etc. He completely agreed and re-stated that he never wants DD #2 to feel any differently or realize this was the case. He thanked me for talking to him directly (as he knows it’s something I struggle with generally – confrontation and telling people I have a problem with their behavior). Now ultimately, I’d want him to think about a SSRI or some alternative for long term help because this isn’t only a DD #2 thing (which he admitted – he said “right now my depression is situational”), but I will keep it in mind and suggest it in future times.

    Thank you all for your empathy and for making sure I drew a hard line. Again, Curious – you are a gem!

    1. Yay! And I hope you can get to a place where you speak up when it affects only you, too.

       1. Thank you! Me, too. Sometimes even small things, like saying “no” to things, or even like, letting my boss know if I disagree with her feedback (which she is always open to) are things I opt out of.

          I’ve just realized this in my late 30’s. My whole adult life I thought I was this fiery, bossy, opiniated woman, which I am…I just…can’t advocate for myself at times.

          1. Isn’t it a funny combo?!

    2. Thanks for checking back in. I feel like we have the same husband, right down to “right now my depression is situational”. Congratulations on having the conversation. It sounds like you felt heard. Is he going to do anything differently? I’m glad he’s talking to friends.

       1. That wasn’t a particularly linear comment but I hope my excitement and curiosity came through. I really want both of us to find good ways to mental health (flourishing!) for ourselves and our partners.

       2. I 100% felt heard. The funny thing is – I finally have figured out how to communicate these deeper things with him (ideal-state, of course it can’t always be ideal).

          I knew he was in a better mood (we gardened last night on his initiation), and I knew he had a slow day/WFH so I just mentioned it while he was cleaning up after his run and I knew we had time. I know if I had gone for a “let’s sit down and TALK” approach, it would have flooded him (although that approach works way better for me).

          And yes, better mental health for all, starting with ourselves. I think of you and your journey, often Curious! <3

          1. I’m so glad to hear it :):):). And thank you for the well wishes!!!

    3. This made my day. I saw a lot of my own situation reflected in your post and I am so glad you were able to have the conversation!

       1. Thank you! Sending you good vibes!

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