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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Petal Blur Floral Silk Button-Up Shirt

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A woman wearing a blue floral blouse and cream-colored pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Great silk shirts are so hard to find these days, but I’ve had good luck with Vince’s offerings in the past, and this grey floral print is absolutely lovely. If you’re looking for effortless elegance, you’re in the right place.

I would wear this blouse with a navy suit for a killer business formal look or with a flowy skirt for something a little more casual.

The blouse is $468 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS-XL. It also comes in a navy print.

Sales of note for 6/19:

308 Comments

  1. You had me at silk and at floral. This is on the way to my mailbox. I can wear it with so many things already in my closet.

    1. Make me an outfit for it and you will deserve a finders fee. I really struggle with making outfits when I pick one-off pieces.

      1. I like icy blue-grays like this with black, dark gray, navy, and ivory. I’d wear this in fall and winter most likely, possibly under a lightweight cashmere vest as the 3rd piece.

      2. I would wear this with crisp white denim in summer, or under a navy suit in winter. Probably would look great with a grey skirt, or paired with tomato red trousers. I see all kinds of options for this one.

      3. I have ivory wide leg pants and a pale blue lady jacket (true confession, I need to see the jacket and shirt together).
        With a grey pants suit.
        With black pants or a black skirt.
        I like Cat’s idea of the cashmere vest, but also under a v neck cashmere sweater.
        With dark wash jeans.
        I have a dark grey knife pleat skirt that I think will go with it as well.

    3. This is beautiful but I rarely buy Vince at full price, knowing full well it will make its way to the sale rack or the outlet. However, if you love it as much as OP does it makes sense (so not a knock on the folks purchasing it!!)

  2. I feel like I don’t understand moisturizers, particularly the hyaluronic acid ones. I feel like even if I apply to damp skin, they are pulling moisture out of my skin vs really making it seem moisturized. And in the morning, it’s just sitting on top of my skin and I wash it off.

    I have oily skin, but it doesn’t seem as hydrated as when I was younger, especially in winter. Now that it’s warmer and more humid, it feels less parched, particularly on my lower face (forehead and nose are still oily). What am I doing wrong?

    1. For parched skin on my face, I use argan oil. I don’t feel that hyaluronic acid moisturizes so much as it plumps.

    2. I’ve not had this experience with hyaluronic acid; mine almost seems to soak in and vanish. Are you using a separate humectant and occlusive?

      I think it is possible for humectants to pull moisture out of the skin, so it’s worth troubleshooting (I apply immediately after getting out of the shower so even the air is humid still). It is fine to switch to a different kind of product (I like Clinique’s Dramatically Different when my skin is actually dry and I’m not just trying to prevent it from becoming dry). Drinking enough water and taking a multivitamin also make a difference for me. If my skin doesn’t feel dry but does look dry, for me that’s more of an exfoliation issue.

    3. It may seem counterintuitive to add more oil, but with oily skin I really like the Evening Primose Oil from Kiehls at night, and the light rose oil from Biossance during the day. Sephora will have travel sizes for you to try.

      1. I mix in a really nice almond oil with my moisturizer (I can’t tolerate the feeling of straight oil on my skin.)

    4. I haven’t had this experience at all. Maybe try some new ones? I have dry skins, but I like la roche posay

      Hyaluronic acid in particular could be pulling moisture out of your skin technically. But it should be fine after a shower. I’m confused about the sitting on top of skin – its not asbsorbing in?

      1. If moisturizer feels like it’s not absorbing, you may need to exfoliate. That used to happen to me, even though I had oily skin my face felt dry and tight, and yet only because the moisturizer didn’t absorb. You can use a washcloth or try a lotion that has retin A or some other compound that promotes cell turnover,

    5. For me, I had to figure out a moisturizer that worked. I felt this way for a lot of products – or they’d mix badly with other stuff I had on my skin. Also, a lot of products with hyaluronic acid irritated my skin so I was un-moisturized for longer than I should have been.

      What works for me now is that during the day, I use the Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Cream. I apply this to a dry face along with the Ordinary 10% Azaleic Acid. I then let it soak in while I brush my teeth (so at least 2 full minutes) and then do my makeup. At night, I like using Cicaplast Baume B5+. The + one is a cream and is an occlusive and a moisturizer and a magical fix it all for me.

    6. At night I use the Trader Joes hyaluronic acid serum then apply regular moisturizer a few minutes later.

      Are you drinking enough water? When I’m dehydrated my skin is both flaky and oily.

      1. Right—there aren’t enough benefits of using it to tempt me.

        OP—you don’t have to use this product.

        1. OP, I have combo skin but get pretty oily in the summer. My ride or die is Clinique Dramatically Different gel during the day and something with ceramides for nighttime use. More ingredients are not always better!

    8. I have combination skin and live in the desert. The cerave daily moisturizing lotion is my ride-or-die. I think the combination of ceramides + hyaluronic acid is what makes it work. The neutrogena hydrogel line might also be a good fit for you.

      1. +1 I have oily skin and Neutrogena’s hydroboost line are almost the only moisturizers I can actually tolerate without feeling greasy. I alternate between the water gel and gel cream.

        If my skin is feeling especially parched, I’ll sometimes also use Cetaphil’s hydrating glow cream which doesn’t feel greasy either. Usually too heavy for me for summer though.

        1. So interesting, I really don’t like these. I had the experience outlined above where they made my skin feel weirdly dry.

  3. I think I will love this dress as a work piece. I love the seaming. I have some questions, especially since this brand is new to me and altering it with the seaming would likely not work.
    1. I’m a flat-chested pear, somewhat of an 8 or 10. This shape seems forgiving though if the top half fits. Order both and return (are their returns generally OK? Or is it like if the package arrives when you have a work trip, you are out of time already)? Or go with the 10?
    2. Anyone else concerned about the metallic elements that may make it not a good fit for a work dress?
    3. It doesn’t look that long on the model, but I’m 5-4. Is this a brand for tall people and I will likely need to hem to avoid sister wife vibes?

    https://www.meandem.com/us/stripe-tweed-midi-dress-black-multi

    1. it’s gorgeous and not in my price range. With regards to the shape, I’d just be prepared for the possibility that any amount of boobage with this low cut front will not be work appropriate. The fabric itself is though. And due to fabric/pattern, I wouldn’t worry about sister wife concerns either.

      1. it is a zipper top – so you can be 100% covered if you want.

        The model is listed at 5’7 so mentally drop the hem by a couple inches to get your result. Like you this would likely hit me at the wrong place – like, ankle length vs midi. However, this fabric does not look like the type that will hem well, so I’d skip, though think it’s lovely!

        1. I know it’s the style now, but I personally think it looks way too long even on the model and that gives it “dressing up in mommy’s clothes” vibes. But it would be lovely if I liked the fit better.

    2. In my experience of seeing my 5’10 boss wear Me&Em everything is geared towards women who are at least 5’9 and the cut is very slim/sporty. I have a slight tummy and this type of knit fabric would be awful on my figure but ymmv.

      1. I posted below, but yes, I wear tons from this brand and would describe myself as tall, slim, sporty.

    3. I have this in red. It’s a knockout amazing dress. I think the top should work for a lot of people because the zipper provides flexibility, it runs a bit big, it’s also long – I’m 5’10” and it hits me perfectly at midi length. Very well made and follows their size charts exactly.

      1. Oh no. At that height, if the waist hits at your waist, it would be drop-waisted on me. I’m half a foot shorter and my height is in my legs vs my torso.

        2. But drop-waisted is having a moment?

          I can’t make it work IRL because things with a low waist fit smallest where I am getting g widest, so my broad hips are where a taller person (or longer-torso’s person) would have a 10” narrower waist measurement. The waist moves up then and my lung area is just swimming in excess fabric. No bueno.

  4. To those of you who think children should be welcome everywhere do you really mean everywhere?

    I go to a lot of 21+ metal concerts with moshpits and intoxicated adults which are fairly dangerous.

    As long as people are clothed do you think children should be welcome? How about liability would injuries be on the parents?

    4. i don’ t think anyone thinks children should be welcome everywhere, why are you suggesting that? sex parties, all night raves, cigar bars….

      1. Maybe where 9:21 am lives, metal concerts with mosh pits, drugs, and alcohol are also public spaces funded by taxpayer money?

        1. While they are ticketed events they are actually supported by taxpayer funds through arts and culture grants.

      1. This is how my ex dramatized things he didn’t agree with, by extrapolating out to a ridiculous extreme. Side effect of a catastrophizing approach to disputes in an effort to always be right. Super happy not to live with that any more.

    7. What is this idiotic, rage-baiting post?

      Enjoy your metal concerts with moshpits. Sounds super cool.

    8. I love metal but who is in a mosh pit? Someone barely over 18?

      The lyrics of country music can be pretty dark and well-annunciated. Same with church sermons. No spaces are safe.

    9. I don’t think anyone thinks children should be welcome everywhere. My state executes people, and no one is pushing for toddlers to watch.

  5. Going to be in DC this week for work, and have free days on Friday/Saturday before going home. I’m planning to hit the National Gallery of Art, and the Sculpture Garden. On Saturday I was thinking of doing brunch in Dupont circle and walking around afterwards – any great bookstores/shops/spas I should try?
    In my 40s, and I could use some slightly more ‘polished’ weekend clothes and figure IRL try ons may be easier than mail/return cycle. My small town doesn’t have the popular mom athleisure brands (Varley/Vuori/Marine Layer) – any others I should think of?

    1. I am going to DC next week for work and will arrive Sunday morning, and I was about to post something similar! Will be following the responses.

      1. Sorry, I’m going to be contrary and say that Afterwards is an exceptionally underwhelming restaurant and I avoid it. Good bookstore though! My favorite bookstores are Solid State Books and East City books, but neither are super convenient to Dupont Circle. If you like cooking Bold Fork Books is a cookbook and food writing book store in Mt Pleasant and a delight!

        There are several Shop Made In DC locations, with stuff from local creators. It’s nice if you need to bring a gift home and want something less touristy.

        I’ll echo the recommendation for the Phillips. Well worth it! The Renwick is about 20 minutes south of Dupont Circle and one of my favorite DC museums. It’s the arts and crafts museum for the Smithsonian and a small, easily digestible location. The current show is “The Art of the State Fair.”

        Georgetown has a Tuckerneck, that could be some of the weekend clothes you’re looking for. Caveat, I’ve never been there.

    3. As you’re going to be in DuPont Circle, there’s a consignment store there — Secondi. There’s a charming French restaurant there — Bistrot du Coin.

      The Philips Collection is also in the neighborhood. Admission isn’t free like at the Smithsonian museums, but they have some impressive works there.

      Enjoy!

      1. I was coming here to say Secondi. When I lived in DC, it was my everything. Designer clothes, VERY gently worn, for a fraction of new prices. I don’t know if it’s still in business – if it is, it’s so worth the trip.

    4. DuPont doesn’t have much by way of clothing shops anymore, so either wander to Georgetown for those stores or go east to 14th street and you’ll find some good shopping and great restaurants!

      1. Agree. Go to 14th Street. Make a reservation for brunch at Le Diplomate. I love Solid State Books, which is also on 14th. And there is some shopping, including Marine Layer.

        Or if you prefer the stores in Georgetown, which is where the Vuori is, go there. If you do, check out The Phoenix, which has some good, casual clothes (Frank & Eileen, etc). There are lots of lovely brunch spots, but I’m not sure about the bookstore.

        You can also check out if there are any events at Politics and Prose or Kramers– sometimes those are super interesting.

        And there is a lottery for Jazz in the Sculpture Garden on Friday evenings. It’s great if you are in town.

  6. For those of you who have lost weight in the past and then lost weight now with a GLP-1, do you feel any difference in energy or other physical symptoms? I’ve been hearing people comment about reduced inflammation and stuff like that but not sure how they’re measuring it. It seems like any weight loss might make your body feel better but people seem to really feel great on these medications.

    1. Not me, my SIL, but she has an autoimmune disease and has noticed real improvements in her condition on the GLP-1 that she hadn’t experienced from natural weigh loss previously.

    2. Honestly I only really lose weight if I feel awesome. If I diet and exercise and feel like absolute garbage the entire time, a few pounds might budge at most, but quickly I’ll plateau even when I’m weighing food and counting steps. If I eat even less or exercise more, I stop being able to function (from being too weak to get up or from blacking out), so I can’t just force it.

      So far research supports the idea that GLP1s reduce inflammation in a lot of actual autoimmune and autoinflammatory diseases (looking at markers like cytokines and CRP as well as tracking flare ups), but metabolic syndrome is also an inflammatory state and I think it’s a vicious cycle. So any effective way of losing visceral fat will lower inflammation caused by lots of visceral fat, but improving insulin sensitivity the way GLP1s do will lower inflammation before the fat is even lost?

      1. You’ve articulated something that I’d noticed in myself, but hadn’t fully understood. There have been times in my life when weight loss was pretty easy. There have been other times when I’ve pulled out all the stops, only for it to barely budge. Probably not surprisingly, it has corresponded with stress levels and some other factors outside my control (but definitely caused inflammation).

      2. The main benefit of a GLP1 for me is that weight loss is effortless because I’m not hungry and don’t have energy crashes.

        1. Yes; it helps regulate my blood sugar so I am not low blood sugar hungry or have energy crashes.

    3. Yes, it is quite different from prior weight loss for me. My energy level is much higher, like it took 15 years off. I’m also down as much as I’ve lost before but more fat is gone so I’m skinnier than with prior efforts too.

      1. It is incredible how actually being able to use calories for their intended purpose (burning for energy) increases felt energy. It’s the most intuitive thing in the world, but still!

          1. GLP1s treat the disordered metabolism that makes people gain weight in the first place. It’s normal not to be able to make our bodies cure themselves without any medical intervention.

          2. Right, I’m not sure if the poster above is saying to just do this “naturally,” but it sure sounded like it.

          3. Sorry I’m 10:07 and what I mean is that GLP1s make things work the way they were always supposed to. I don’t see anything unnatural about getting enough of something we were always supposed to have. I’m not on GLP1s, but I take thyroid HRT every morning and it’s nothing I wasn’t supposed to have to begin with.

    4. I can’t say if it’s directly related to the GLP1 or not, but in mentally freer. The maintenance phase of this 90 lb loss is nearly effortless. I’d lost 75, 45 and the. 50 lbs in three different WW stints in my late 20s and mid 30s. Those efforts were all consuming, and not just eating – constantly measuring every calorie exercised, trying to “maximize the burn”. Now, I’ve never been a better version of myself. I think I feel better over all – peak energy, etc – because I have the mental space to do so. And if I want to miss my 7am Saturday workout because my body is telling me I’m tired and I should prioritize sleep… then I do! And that choice doesn’t create some deficit of points that I now need to log and stare at for the remainder of the week.

      I’m not sure if that answers your question, but this PCOS sufferer at 41 years old has never been in a better mental or physical place.

      1. All of this! When I lost large amounts on WW, it was all-consuming mentally. I have lost 90 lbs on a GLP-1 and it killed the food noise – I can think rationally and not obsess about points in or points out. My blood sugar seems more stable as well. I can get hungry, but I am almost never hangry, which was always an issue before.

      2. OP here and that’s very helpful. I’m definitely interested in whether these drugs can reduce the misery aspect of intentional weight efforts.

          1. +1 I lost 25 pounds on WW in my 30s. I slowly regained much of the weight over the next 15 years and, now in my late 40s, am on a GLP-1. On WW I was constantly thinking of food but on a GLP-1 I’m not.

        2. definitely reduced the misery aspect; however, idk if my body is just particularly sensitive, but after 4 weeks on the lowest possible dose, and ten pounds lost, i had to take a month off (i continued losing during this month) bc i could barely eat and had ZERO energy and i could not even look at food without feeling nauseous. i think i need to take it every other week, or do two weeks on, one week off, in order to not lose all energy.

          1. Was it the lowest possible dose, or the lowest possible dose without compounding? (One of the legitimate uses of compounding pharmacies is non-standard dosing!)

            Did your doctor suggest anything for the nausea? (Sometimes it’s from slow stomach emptying which would make me want to try a yet lower dose or a different GLP1, but I would also want the option of taking a low risk prokinetic preventively and an occasional nausea med for breakthrough nausea, if it were me.)

          2. I was on the non-compounding version. i think it is too confusing to know which compounding pharmacies are legit vs. not. i’m not into random telemedicine

          3. I would think that any normal doctor already relies on a trusted compounding pharmacy for their allergy patients and patients who need non-standard doses of other meds (why would this be a telemedicine thing?).

          4. You don’t have to go the telemedicine route to use a compounding pharmacy. There are lots of legitimate compounding pharmacies out there. I’d try to find one that has PCAB accreditation if possible. You can also look them up on the State Board of Pharmacy website and check for public disciplinary history. The FDA also publishes findings from its inspections of compounding pharmacies. Look for Form FDA 483s or Warning Letters. Now, some perfectly legit and safe pharmacies get 483s or even warning letters from time to time and they often sound scarier than they are due to the relevant statutory language, but if you are considering a pharmacy and it has a 483 with extensive or repeat findings on safety issues, or multiple of them, or warning letters with extensive findings, then I’d pass.

          5. I thought compounded semaglutide and tirzepatide were no longer legal now that there’s no national shortage? I wouldn’t be comfortable with a compounded product if it’s not legal for them to sell it!

          6. Compounding because of a shortage is different from compounding because of an allergy or to achieve non-standard dose.

    5. Yes, it’s so, so, so much easier to focus on diet and exercise. Had to white knuckle it before, especially with more drastic calorie cuts my middle aged body was requiring of me. The inflammation benefits alone are huge. Woke up the next morning after my first shot, and realized I wasn’t in pain. Didn’t even know I was in pain! Can walk for longer, move better, and am less sore at the beginning and end of my day. It’s really amazing.

      1. That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m interested in. It seems like before, people would have to white knuckle and fight for every half pound off, only to see gains reversed by small “slips” for ordinary life getting in the way, and most people who did lose significant amounts would gain it back. The entire paradigm seems to have shifted. Now you can have your life and lose weight too. I love the idea of people finally seeing the benefits of weight loss without having to endure as much misery to get there. Who wants to be strict and let’s be real, often joyless, 99% of the time to lose 10 lbs when you could take moderate steps in conjunction with a GLP-1 and lose 50?

    6. It has helped my IBS somewhat. My GI doctor said she’s heard other patients say similar things, and she attributed it to reduction in inflammation.
      But even without that, the weight loss impact has been really great. I just don’t feel like it’s a 24 hr/day struggle against hunger.

    7. I notice a marked difference in my mental state when on my GLP1. I have persistent, significant depression, even when medicated, and I can tell if I don’t take my shot every 7 days because my mood goes down.

      But I do wanna say I feel like absolute crap when I go up a dose or go back on it. (On and off for 3 years.) And it’s destroyed my muscle tone because I’ve felt so vomitous that I couldn’t get to a gym to workout and could only eat bites of simple white carbs, so I’m skinny flabby. But I’m still happy to be down 50 lbs!!

  7. I was using Supergoop Matte Screen and liked it but can’t afford it anymore. Any recommendations for a less pricey alternative mineral sunscreen with some tint?

    1. YMMV, but I never found a tinted sunscreen I liked off the shelf, so I just started mixing in a tiny bit of my foundation with my sunscreen, and tada, it works great. So many tinted sunscreens have an orangey tint that doesn’t play nicely with my cooler toned skin.

    2. I would cut your budget elsewhere (like one less Starbucks a month, the delta between the original and dupes isn’t a lot) and continue to buy the thing that works. Trader Joe’s allegedly makes a dupe I tried but it was awful and a waste of money. Sometimes you’ll save the most just getting the thing that works instead of experimenting with multiple things that do not.

    4. You need to try a Korean brand, they’re much cheaper and a million times better. Many brands have lines focused on matte sunscreen for oily skin.

      1. Any brand recommendations? Googling and seeing hundreds of thousands of results is overwhelming and all the reviews seem botty/paid/AI.

        1. Check the AsianBeauty subreddit. People post reviews there often and detail their own skin type, climate, preferences etc. Very helpful. You could give AI tool your skin profile and needs, and then have it summarize what you would like best from that subreddit.
          Also, you can order from yami or iherb, they ship from the US and have plenty of sunscreens in stock.

    5. I’ve been seeing the matte screen pretty regularly at tj maxx or marshalls in my area lately, and usually in the protective holders to prevent tampering.

  8. I need a new washer/dryer set. It needs to be front load due to the configuration of our laundry room. I have no other constraints and a large budget. What do you have/love? what did you have/hate?

    Our dryer broke so we need to replace things in a fairly quick timeframe.

    1. We have the GE Profile dryer with the Steam & Sanitize cycles. It is ok for the price and typically in stock at Home Depot. Main complaint is because it is energy efficient and tries to be nice to clothes, it won’t just blast the clothes with high heat and dry quickly. Think the program to dry a bulky bedding is 2.5 hours.

    2. I have the largest Maytag front load pair, and they are nice. Energy efficient cycles seem to be very long, but no issues with cleaning the clothes or damage. It has the “Pets” cycle, which does seem to reduce the cat hair on things.

    3. If your current set works otherwise and you are not just wanting a new set, rule out getting your dryer fixed before you go this route.

      My dryer “breaks” every few years and it’s a <$5 part that requires about 30 minutes of my time to dismantle, vacuum out all the lint, unplug the old part/plug in the new one, then reassemble. Would take even less time if I did not have to tetris things around in my micro-sized laundry room.

      2. Sadly it really depends on a lot, some large appliances don’t make repair easy. It’s always worth looking up if there is a YouTube repair video for the make, model, and issue.

        We found our replacement washer/dryer set on Craigslist from someone moving in with their sweetheart who already had those appliances covered.

    4. I appreciate my heat pump dryer because it’s efficient, gentler on clothes, and doesn’t require an exhaust pipe to the outside. It takes a moment to get used to because the clothes feel humid when they come out rather than crispy, but they really are dry.

      I have a stacked Miele washer and dryer. It fits in my space and runs on two separate 110 outlets, which is nice (no new wiring needed for my house). The customer service and initial technician an issue when the set was new were disappointing, but since then, the machines have held up nicely.

    5. We have ElectroLux. I like them for the most part. My only complaint is that they are smaller than what we replaced, so I can’t do a comforter. I like that they are stacked and that the dryer doesn’t have a conventional vent (it collects moisture in a tank and drains into the washing machine drain instead).

  9. I just started wegovy. I never thought I would do this, but after hearing many success stories and realizing I’m not capable of doing this on my own, I’m ready. Besides some intense fatigue, almost like jet lag, that hits late afternoon, I haven’t noticed any negative side effects.

    Those of you that have been on it for a while, how long did it take before you started noticing a difference in your appetite and weight? Is there anything you know now that you wish you knew when you started?

    I haven’t told many people in my life for various reasons. Some I think would be genuinely shocked. Some I know are also struggling with their weight but won’t or can’t take a GLP-1. And some will likely judge and I just don’t feel like having that conversation. I figure I’ll bring it up if and when it works and it comes to that. How did you handle telling people, and/or did you?

    1. I don’t tell anyone. It’s no one’s business. I don’t even feel guilty when someone compliments my weight loss or ask if I lost weight. When truly pressed I say “oh I hadnt noticed. It must be all the running, I’ve been doing.” These drugs are amazing and widely available. I don’t feel like I’m gatekeeping by not talking about it. I’ve been on the receiving end of many rants from friends that are BIG mad anyone takes them for “vanity.” Shrug. Nothing is more boring to me than talking about one’s diet or health. I change the subject.

        2. I think “false hope” is a very small price to pay for being rude enough to press me on this. Also, everyone compliments my running. No one has ever taken me up on the offer to come along.

    2. No advice, but I’m strongly considering it. People would be shocked, but I’ve had zero success losing weight on my own. Did you get a script from your regular doc, or go through one of the online options?

    3. most people i know proudly proclaim it (like when you compliment something and they say, “I bought it at TJ Maxx for 25 cents!) like they’re sharing a secret. I do know some people who have lost a lot of weight and i assume are taking it but haven’t. I think the regular rules of sharing information fit here (some people say they’re pregnant when the stick turns blue, some people wait, some people literally never say anything) whatever you are comfortable with mixed in with who are you speaking to…

    4. I only share with my nonjudgmental friends who I know would be interested or have told me they’re doing it too. Fortunately that’s the vast majority of my friends and they don’t reflect the attitudes I’ve seen here. I’ve been a super responder and have lost all my vanity weight in a few months on the lowest dose. I feel great, look amazing, and consider it a wonder drug. I get it online as I wouldn’t qualify otherwise. No negative side effects for me either. Everyone is different. If it’s bugging you, up your water and eat milder food. Lots of Reddit conversations about this that are helpful.

    5. I judge the people who deny it, but I know are on it. (Some have told me on the side, some have never lost a pound in the 30 years I’ve known them and now have lost 40-50+ suddenly and are not otherwise ill.) Why not be honest?

      1. A. Because it’s none of your business.
        B. Because people like their privacy.
        C. Because people are sick of being judged for their weight, no matter what they do.

        1. Real talk, when you lose 50lbs+ in a few months and deny it, we all think you have cancer instead. So, thanks for worrying those of us who care for you, I guess.

          1. Lolol you sound just like my Boomer aunt who LOVES to concern troll her fat friends – “I’m just worried about her health!”

          2. +1 I recently had a friend hide GLP 1 usage and so our whole group was concerned she was terminal, nope just lying.

          4. Clearly none of you have had the unfortunate experience of watching a loved one shrink away to nothing d/t cancer treatment. For many of us, it is the first thought when we see a person suddenly become the incredible shrinking person. I guess I’m thankful none of you have this reference point, but it does feel insensitive to let people worry about you unnecessarily.

          5. Nope, I’ve lost far too many family members to cancer. I know what it’s like. I also know that it’s not real concern for their health when you are desperate to know (and judge) if weight loss is due to GLP-1 or not. Also, the fact that your friends won’t even tell you that they have cancer is further proof of the point that you have put yourself out of the information loop. I’ve never been out of the loop for anyone’s cancer diagnosis, so you’re right that our experiences differ there.

          6. No one is looking to judge them for using a GLP1. The only judgment is when folks lie about it and force us to ask one another whether they are sick, whether we should ask them, what is the protocol when a dear friend may be terminally ill but does not share that information directly, etc. etc. etc. There’s nothing to judge about GLP1 use. It is the lying about GLP1 use that invites judgment.

          7. This right here. If someone is “disappearing” from cancer and doesn’t tell you, there is a very good reason for that. I really hope this poster, the one saddened by cancer that she’s not told about, will reflect on this. She might mean well but she needs to really reevaluate her relationships if this is indeed an issue for her.

          8. Hard disagree. There’s one commenter here insisting that she assumes it’s cancer every time someone has weight loss (sounds like an anxiety problem…). That’s not how most of us live our lives.

          9. True, but that’s how folks who have lost loved ones to cancer live their lives, unfortunately. And that’s sadly not a small segment of the population.

          10. I never mention weight loss. I had a neighbor who lost a bunch of weight and looked amazing. I was glad I didn’t compliment her on it, because about a year later she died of pancreatic cancer.

      2. Because you sound judgemental and I don’t share things like this with people like you.

        2. To be fair, everyone on earth is judgmental. To suggest otherwise is absurd. Exercising judgment is literally wired into our survival instincts.

      3. Well the tone of your message is extremely disdainful…so, if you were my friend, I wouldn’t be honest with you either. Perhaps consider how you view people with weight struggles. If you’ve never had them, good for you. But that also means you have no clue what it’s like.

        1. People who have struggled with their weight ALWAYS know when friends and family members judge them for being fat/for losing the wrong way/for not losing enough – usually because it’s not at all subtle. Those are the people who will find themselves out of the information loop. People react to how you treat them.

          1. Yep. And being out of the information loop is some real data that you might be a judgmental person others don’t like.

      4. Mind your own business.
        I started a longer reply, but really…that’s all there is too it.

    6. If I’m able to take a GLP1 eventually, I will at least be open with family who share my genetics and the lifelong struggle with weight because of the amount of effort it takes to sleep enough, exercise enough, and prepare every meal ourselves with a lot of attention to calories and nutrition, because if any of those pieces are out of place, we lose ground.

    7. You’re not obligated to say anything and I’m never going to ask. But I’m also going to assume that anyone suddenly losing a lot of weight is on a GLP-1 or sick, so there’s no need to hide it, and given how many friends I’ve lost to cancer in the last few years (several of whom lost a lot of weight and gave vague explanations about new diets to people they didn’t want to talk about cancer with), I’d be pretty happy to hear that you’re losing weight because of GLP-1s, not cancer!

        1. Yet another person who has never had to deal with the shame and judgment of being overweight. I don’t ask what medications you are on. You have no right to know what medications I am on. Period. End of discussion.

          2. This was my post and I explicitly said I didn’t need to know! But since I’m definitely not ever going to bring up your weight or appearance without you mentioning it, please don’t bring it up yourself and lie about why you’re losing so much weight, because then I will start worrying about you. And if you do want to tell me, I’ll be happy to hear that you’re losing weight for good reasons, not bad!

      2. Yes this. If you don’t want to tell your friends whether you’re dying or on a GLP1 maybe end the friendship since they clearly care more about you than you about them.

      3. You’re correct I’ve never had a weight problem, so I can’t directly relate. But your response is missing a ton of the variables involved here. If I’m moving about my life with no changes that are cause of concern, why would one ask if I’m on a mediation? But if I suddenly lose 50lbs in a few months, that is cause for alarm — unless, of course, it is simply d/t GLP1 use. I get that this is a sensitive topic for people, but I think all we’re saying is, why not be honest about it? Because that eliminates the unnecessary worry by folks around you, and we’re all just happy for you on your GLP1 journey.

        1. Because there’s still a lot of stigma about GLP-1 use. These comments are wild to me. Nobody is obligated to tell anyone about what medications they’re on!

          1. I know, right? What is this “we’re all just happy for you on your GLP-1 journey” BS? We all know how untrue that is. Just read the comments! There’s SO much judgment – the easy way out, you’re just lazy, “you know you still have to exercise, right?”, “I did it through diet and exercise myself,” and worse.

        2. So I guess the happy medium is making us worry we’re losing another friend to cancer? I just have a hard time thinking that’s the best case scenario we can establish here.

          1. If said person is that good of a friend and they aren’t telling you they have cancer, you aren’t a good friend. This is a YOU problem.

          2. Yeah, this seems incredibly specific and like a “you” problem. I can’t believe that you’d expect your friends and loved ones to disclose private health information just to satisfy your curiosity.

          3. The idea that people “won’t tell you they have cancer because you’re a bad friend” is maybe the most outlandish position in this discussion so far. Have you really never had a family member suffer from cancer? I promise you, there are hundreds of reasons why people choose not to share, or not to share just yet, etc. I suppose one reason could be “because that person is a meany!,” but that’s not the sole reason why people do not immediately share their cancer diagnosis with others.

          4. Keep telling yourself that. Anything but look inward. So much easier to sit around judging people who are trying to better themselves.

          5. There are a lot of reasons people don’t want a cancer diagnosis being common knowledge. And in the examples I was citing, I knew about my friends’ diagnoses, they just didn’t want other people to know, largely for professional reasons.

          6. If you want to continue to justify your nosiness about people’s weight however possible, have at it. You are clearly missing the point and no one here is going to make you see it. But I hope anyone overweight in your life knows your true colors. It’s pretty gross.

          8. No one is “making” you worry, and you are not entitled to someone else’s medical information to ease your mind. This idea you seem to have that other people need to compromise with you on what medical information they disclose to you is wrong.

          9. As you are curious about my weight loss, I am curious about the medication you’re taking for your anxiety. Please, do share. Have you tried to manage it off medication? Isn’t the medication just a short cut, because you’re too lazy to try without medication? Oh, you have? We’ll see you trying hard enough?

            Like. Get out of here.

        3. If people aren’t telling you, it actually just says a lot about the kind of person you are.

      4. It’s not just cancer. I’ve both gained and lost a decent amount of weight due to a chronic illness and medications. I really hate it when people comment on my weight loss in a positive way because I don’t feel good about it- it’s always been due to medication for an illness and I feel crappy, even as I’ve lost weight. That’s why I don’t comment on other people’s bodies and recognize that there’s a lot going on with people, who may or may not want to talk about for a million different reasons. Seeing multiple friends die of cancer in the last few years has just made it worse. At this point, I really am genuinely happy to hear that someone is taking a medication to lose weight and it’s making them feel good!

    8. I had a cousin die early from colon cancer and any weight loss of > 10% is assumed to cancer unless shown to be otherwise. Seeing people suddenly be much smaller was jarring at first. I assumed the worst since GLPs weren’t initially available or accessible. Now, I just assume that it’s GLP1s since everyone is on them. And yet I’m still on two meal trains, so that’s when the discussion of “I have cancer” comes about: the meal train invite.

      1. I wonder if that’s geographic. I’m in the tristate area, and the three friends I lost to cancer specifically did not want meal trains. Two were offended when folks offered to organize them. So it came up in other ways.

      2. I’m so perplexed at this train of thought that anyone’s weight loss is cancer. Are y’all treating your anxiety?

        1. For people who have lost loved ones to cancer recently, it can be incredibly triggering. It is really hard to watch someone you love shrink in brutally fast and painful fashion, so our first thought definitely isn’t “Oh yay, so-and-so is losing weight!” The first thought is always, “Oh my God, it is happening to another person I love.”

          And speaking from experience, we’re in grief counseling. Some of that my involve anxiety-specific treatment, but some of it may not.

          1. I say this with kindness, but they aren’t losing weight “at” you. Nearly everyone has lost a loved one to cancer; it is unfortunately not a unique experience. Jumping immediately to thinking that someone’s weight loss = potential cancer is a big leap.

        2. I’ve lost 5 people in 2 years to cancer. My direct report currently has cancer. I don’t think it’s anxiety to think sudden weight-loss might be cancer. There’s a reason that question is on EVERY medical pre screening questionnaire

          2. Sure but that still doesn’t mean anyone is obligated to disclose their medical information to you. Why don’t we reframe our thinking: there is now another plausible explanation for someone’s quick weight loss! I don’t have to jump to cancer! I don’t actually have to think about this at all because it’s not my body!

        3. In my circles, before GLP1s, significant weight loss really did mean cancer or another serious illness more often than it meant intentional weight loss was going well. Successful significant weight loss was simply not that common outside of weight loss surgery, which was disruptive to people’s lives and something people were typically quite open about. I don’t personally have anxiety about it, but it’s definitely a shift that’s hard not to notice.

    9. I don’t hide it, but don’t talk about it either. Mostly because I lost weight the hard way but couldn’t keep it off. It’s really no one’s business

    10. One thing that I have to keep telling myself is that some people respond very quickly and some people respond very slowly. I have friends who lost a lot of weight very quickly and moved right into the maintenance dosage, while I’ve been on it for seven months and have only lost 20 of the 70 pounds I’d like to drop. I’m working with a dietitian and doing everything “right,” I’m just moving a little slower!

      As far as sharing, you have no obligation to do so. In my social circle, however, lots of people are using them and lots of people are talking about it.

  10. Met up with some college friends for a long weekend. One of my friends who grew up with significant wealth and privilege is in a ton of debt. She married a guy who I think she wanted to be like her father—extremely successful, extroverted, huge network—and he’s nothing like that, so her lifestyle has kind of gone down a notch, but in order to keep up with the Joneses they’ve gone into a lot of debt. They live in a very expensive suburb where certain costs are expected (everyone wears certain brands, all the kids go to certain colleges). They’re on that hamster wheel and they won’t be getting off. It made me realize how many people are either in debt or have access to more wealth than I could fathom, or both, and there is no point in trying to discern the difference between the two.

    1. Agree no point. I am working hard on not wondering or worrying about things that don’t impact me. This is one of those things. It’s easier to get yourself wrapped up in it but as you said, who knows what people’s real circumstances (and even those who are super wealthy, are they happier for it, really who can tell). worry about your finances and make decisions you are comfortable with and try not to waste energy on others.

      1. It sounded like they were just sharing about it in this case (I didn’t get the sense that OP was just guessing?).

          1. You mean you assume people who talk to you are lying or themselves unaware?

            I think “as informed as an honest person is about their own finances” is probably the best we can shoot for, but how is this different from any other topic we discuss with other people?

          2. People are much much cagier about money unless you are in the same exact situation. No one rich is talking with someone poor about their money in a real way.

    3. I strongly agree. My parents really drilled this into me: it’s vulgar to “count other people’s money.” I’m frequently surprised with the amount of effort people spend doing that in this space.

      1. It is difficult to move through life without making at least some shared financial decisions with other people, even if it’s just where to get dinner or decisions about weekend plans or travel. There’s also social pressure to keep up that is very hard not to notice at all. And we all run into people who will propose business ventures or shared investments at some point.

        People need to be honest with themselves that they simply don’t have the same security someone who stands to inherit serious money has, and if they’re upwardly social mobile, they need to remember that they now know people in this position. And people need to be honest with themselves if they will not be able to sleep at night if they’re carrying a lot of credit card debt the way their friends who have more fun do.

        So if vulgar means, something that is much more important and beneficial for poorer people to do, then yeah.

        1. I’m afraid I’ve missed your point.

          Honestly, even in the realm of family investments my relatives will say “we’ll need x amount by x date if you’re interested.” They don’t speculate that we’re broke or flush because our lifestyle, which everyone here loves to do. I have friends who love a pricey restaurant and those who hate them. I don’t have to speculate that one is rich or poor or bad with a money because of this. I simply ask where they’d like to go or what they’d like to spend. Same with vacations, gift contributions, ect.

          Of course I’m honest with myself about my own money and budget! But I have zero to prove because I don’t imagine anyone is rude or bored enough to speculate about my wealth from my lifestyle. I’d urge you to adopt this mindset. It’s very freeing.

          1. Yeah you missed the point. People who grew up with less can be more susceptible to bad advice, risky investments, lifestyle creep, and financial anxiety, because they are new to even having these kind of decisions on the table, because they don’t always intuit where they’re still a lot more precarious than people they work with who make comparable incomes, and because they’re taking more cues from people around them because social mobility involves a massive amount of code switching to fit in and play along in what is effectively a different culture. No one wants to be cheap, rude, or anti-social, so other people’s expectations do affect how we budget. I promise it is also freeing to realize that there are reasons why it feels impossible to afford what coworkers afford on the same salary that have nothing to do with financial literacy, and everything to do with completely other sources of money.

          2. This is wildly out of touch with how very good with finances so many people who grew up with less are simply because their life experience has forced them to learn it.

            It’s as though you think bananas cost ten dollars.

          3. People are different! Of course some people do better than others. But I am not making things up. Public universities and even med schools have outreach to help their graduates avoid some of the pitfalls they see because they are real.

            Also remember that the lessons people learn growing up with less aren’t always helpful in new circumstances. “Never leave food on your plate,” “sustain a crippling fear of debt,” and “never take a vacation” aren’t always the best way to live when you can afford food, time off, and could be considering home ownership, even if they originally helped you get to a better place financially.

        2. I think “vulgar” here means to mind one’s own business, not to avoid honest budgeting considerations for yourself.

    4. IME someone is more likely to be in debt or have minimal savings if their spending is flashy across multiple areas. I know people who splurge on a single category (big house, fancy cars, designer purses, or luxurious travel) but the rest of their lifestyle is average. Those people are usually stable long term.

      On the other hand I know people who buy the most expensive version of every item…and in many cases the house of cards eventually comes crashing down.

    5. The nature of my job means I have a window into the real financial situation of many of my colleagues. From my observations, there is no correlation between the outward apparent lifestyle and actual net worth. Some live extravagantly while barely keeping one step in front of debt collectors, some live it up and can afford to do so. Others are secret millionaires and you would never guess, and some just don’t have many means yet live within them.

  11. For those of you with the Chase Sapphire Reserve, how are you getting the value of the annual fee back? I’m debating canceling mine but first want to try maximizing the benefits.

    1. I use the Doordash discounts (to buy groceries) and the Lyft discounts. I travel a lot for work so I get good use out of the lounges – that’s a big thing. I’ve gotten some good deals on flights. I use the travel credit so thats $300 back right there. I used the restaurant credit.

    2. I use the points for travel and they go quite far, I also book hotels through their site with the extra benefits and get a lot of freebies. Plus airport lounges.

    3. I wound up downgrading to the Sapphire Preferred, I ultimately decided it was just too much work to offset the $795 fee. Before I canceled I did use the $150 restaurant credits (though that only works if you live in select cities) and the Peloton credit. I found the Priority Pass lounge benefit almost impossible to use and I don’t live in a city with a Sapphire lounge. I know a lot of people are also using the Stubhub credit. There’s a whole sapphirereserve subreddit that may give you some ideas but ultimately it wasn’t worth it for me to keep the Reserve.

    4. The trip delay insurance comes in handy during thunderstorm and snowstorm seasons. $500 per person reimbursement for accommodation and food if your flight is delayed more than 6 hours due to weather.

      Also had a positive experience at “The Edit” hotel although it wasn’t cheap and I’m not convinced the credit saved us any money.

      1. A lot of cards have trip delay insurance. The much cheaper Chase Sapphire Preferred does too.

  12. Anyone want to help me shop? I am getting an award from my college in a few months and need a dress for the awards banquet. I will also be giving a speech at the event. I’m going for a “sophisticated but sexy boss lady doing a Ted Talk” vibe. Dress must be red – true red, not burgundy or pink, no patterns. I’m mid-40s, 5’9″, curvy, size 8. Would love some arm coverage – even cap sleeves or “off shoulder” would be ok. Budget is less than $1,000. I found a dress I love this weekend, but it’s 3x my budget and am looking for alternatives.

    1. Good luck. I had The Fold Arlington Dress in red that met these needs once upon a time. They still have some on Poshmark.

      1. Unfortunately, not. The designer is making some custom changes–hence the price! I see a few on RtR that might work. it could be worth trying. Thanks.

        1. I’m always the enabler of the group, but I’d vote if you size is relatively stable, buy that dress. It will serve you well for years, and if you have two events you’d consider getting a $1,000 dress for, it will work out in the end. You won’t find a similar quality until you get back near that price point.

        1. I mean, it’s an award from your college. Most people there will not be well-dressed. You risk standing out like a sore thumb in the dress you admire.

          1. I’m not the OP, but this does not give the vibe of the $1k budget “sophisticated but sexy boss lady doing a Ted Talk” dress the OP said she wanted.

            Your snap judgement about the audience is completely wrong for this type of event even at my (non-flagship state) school, FWIW.

    6. Chiara Boni La Petite Robe would likely have something for you if you search the brand name and “red dress”!

    7. What about the CH Carolina Herrara line? They have some gorgeous evening dresses that are at a better price point, although still not under $1K.

    8. How about these:
      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/prabal-gurung-jackie-twist-front-cocktail-dress-0400019777567.html
      https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/veronica-beard-ezri-satin-midi-dress-prod286230121
      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/chiara-boni-la-petite-robe-zuhur-ruffled-midi-dress-0400026272831.html
      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/badgley-mischka-crepe-cape-shift-dress-0400019705794.html?dwvar_0400019705794_color=RED

      I’d be tempted to try this one and hem it to cocktail length if I liked it:
      https://tnuck.com/products/exclusive-red-batista-maxi-dress

      This one’s sleeveless but I’m including it just because I think it’s so pretty!
      https://tnuck.com/products/scarlet-cleo-applique-midi-dress

    9. Staud Phare dress midi version is similar. It’s one shouldered and I believe they make a red version. Honestly, it’s amazing.

    10. OP here: Thank you to everyone who provided thoughtful suggestions today. I realized that the $3K I would have spent on the dress I loved would cover the tuition for a student for a semester at my university. So I’ve purchased several of the significantly lower cost options suggested today. I’m sure one of them will be perfect.

  13. someone who definitely makes a lot less than me and i had been discussing a summer trend (like generally, that we liked it). today she brought me a sweater in said trend. it was $26. she is not my direct report, i offered to pay for it and she refused. this is not prohibited by any work policy. I feel like the gracious thing is to be pleased and accept it because i think that’s the spirit from which it came but is that OK?

    1. I would be uncomfortable, too, but I think the best thing is to graciously accept it and the spirit in which it was given.

    2. Accept it and find a way to pay it back without it being directly reciprocal — take her to lunch, etc.

    3. I had a person like this who really liked giving gifts. The first time it was thoughtful if a bit uneven, but they kept doing it to a level where it became really uncomfortable. And while I really did enjoy some of the items, I ended up telling them I could not keep accepting them because it could be perceived by others as me taking advantage of a lopsided power dynamic, regardless of me not being in their reporting structure.

      1. op here: i agree and i know this woman has also given toys to a someone who had her kids here one day, i think she likes to give gifts. I would definitely not accept it if she does it again…

    4. I agree – just take it as a fun, nice gesture and reciprocate in kind when the occasion arises.

  14. My five year old couch, purchased online during Covid, is in generally good shape, but I’m definitely noticing sagging where the back of the cushion that you sit on meets the bottom of the part you rest your back against – in other words, right where our glutes rest! Has anyone tried the inserts you can buy that are supposed to counteract the sagging? They go under the seat cushion? I’m worried they will just shift around and be a waste of money. Appreciate any IRL experience.

    1. I used flattened cardboard boxes to solve this problem on our old couch. Wedged in just right, they made a noticeable difference until the cardboard wore out a few months later, at which point I would just shove another box in there. I wouldn’t pay for a product to do this.

    2. Yes, and they work. I used them for an old loveseat that wasn’t worth reupholstering.

  15. my mom was really low on zinc when she had her bloodwork done – she’s messaging her doctor to ask about supplements but does anyone here have a good suggestion for a USP-verified supplement (either multivitamin or specific zinc supplement)? thank you!

    1. The only zinc supplement that doesn’t make me feel really nauseated is zinc carnosine.

      Also it’s a bit odd to be really low on zinc, so it’s not overkill to have some follow up testing for GI conditions that lower absorption.

    2. Or she could eat more oysters, red meat, poultry, beans, nuts, seeds, and whole grains.

      1. If there’s malabsorption (including something as simple and common as low stomach acid), this really may not work.

  16. Please feel free to disregard this. I know that I’ve written about this topic before, but I did appreciate the feedback on my friends and their outlook on their respective infidelity and divorces. Here’s what I’m kind of stuck on:

    Obviously everyone deserves to be happy. But do you guys think if you’re really, truly “in love” with your affair partner it justifies infidelity and breaking up their marriage and yours? I guess that’s the part I struggle with. I kind of think the answer is no, especially with kids involved.

    Rationally I know people grow and change but fundamentally I see leaving an unworkable marriage as different from having an affair and then filing for divorce. Related, if you break up two marriages and families for a relationship that’s short lived it seems pretty destructive and selfish. But if the relationship works out long term is it more justified right? Except for no one knows the difference at the outset.

    I’ve put aside the question of how anyone feels good starting their relationship on such shaky ground. I also realize I come from a place of privilege with a happy marriage that has evolved well over the years. The idea of starting over with anyone seems so unappealing to me, let alone breaking up my family to do it. Yes I always loved him but it was the years together that make him “the one,” not the way we got along at the beginning. I don’t totally understand how any potential partner could ever be so great as to justify this.

      1. Im looking to hear different perspectives, thoughts and experiences on the concept I described. It helps me to evaluate and reconsider the reasonableness of my thoughts and feelings. I frequently use this space for that. I’ve gotten helpful replies below.

    2. The women I’ve known who have had affairs did it because their partners were abusive and neglectful. The men I’ve known who have had affairs did it because they were narcissists.

      1. This seems like a pretty broad generalization. I know plenty of women who had affairs because they were bored.

    3. People are different and people change. Something you can in no way envisage might be something you do a decade from now. I think your best bet is to live the best way you can, give others grace when they fail, and keep your mind on your own business.

    4. My ex-BIL’s new wife / affair partner has entered the chat.

      The stuff adults do for fulfillment often has externalities that they discount or dismiss. And that sh*t has a long tail that can go generations. No s*x is that good.

      1. But some marriages are that bad. People should have the courage to leave a bad situation before they get involved with another person, and they are weak for not doing that. But I don’t think it happens in a healthy relationship.

    5. If you do end up “in love with” someone other than your spouse, you’ve already made the choice that your emotions are more important than your family stability. You can try and walk that back and make different choices moving forward, but you can’t undo the choices you already made.

      1. And maybe that’s the case. Some people marry a really bad fit and it’s unfortunate that they pro-create. That doesn’t mean they have to live with their partner for the next 18 years. And some people are just awful humans.

        1. I do think it’s more honorable to divorce the partner, and then find your new person. Not screw over everyone in your inner circle because you aren’t happy, whatever that means.

          1. +1000

            Divorce if you’re not happy in the relationship, don’t stay in the relationship and go looking for an affair.

      2. This. I know three different people who broke up their families because they caught feelings for someone else. Interestingly, all ended up being with the affair partner long-term (two re-married, one is still with the person 5 years later). Does that make it justifiable? I really don’t know, but I do think it’s inherently selfish. It broke up multiple relationships: obviously the original marriage and family unit, the extended family, the friend circles. As someone in the friend circle, it did make me feel like I never really knew that person at all.

      3. I don’t know how you let things go far enough with someone to fall in love with them while being married and not be a bad person. If your marriage was so bad, you should have left it before you started something that could lewd to feelings with someone else.

    6. I’m not sure you really know if someone else’s marriage was unworkable. But generally, even if a new relationship works out long term, does that really make it more justified? Why get married at all if the commitment isn’t to stay even when there’s a prospect of leaving for someone else?

      I think there are a lot of situations in life where we could be happier at somebody else’s expense. Probably most people who hurt other people aren’t malevolent; they’re just putting their own happiness first, right?

      1. A lot of people are really passive and enter commitments they have no business entering.

        1. Honestly I think another option for OP is to forgive these people. We really don’t have to conclude that everyone in our lives was always in the right or made the best choice they could have to get over it when we think they were wrong. Whether we’re right about that or not doesn’t have to decide everything.

        2. (Also, literally the Catholic Church will annul a marriage they think someone had no business committing to.)

    7. Are you the person who keeps posting about a friend cheating?
      I’m starting to think you’re in love with the friend and you’re actually jealous of the affair partner. It’s not healthy to be this obsessed with other people’s marriages.

    8. Gently – you are thinking too much about this. You don’t have to stay friends with her if you don’t like what she’s doing. Much like the money poster above, you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life.

      1. well said. agree with pizza rat. this is exactly the same as the money post and, i think, what instagram therapists refer to as boundaries. live by your own code and compass and spend less time judging others.

        1. I’m the op. I promise I’m taking this advice to not judge.
          I’m an open minded person and I like to think my “code” is not set in stone. This has me rethinking it. Perhaps there is a justification in the sense that my friends describe. They express some remorse but remind themselves that with love at stake they did what they had to. Philosophically, I’m interested in this. I kind of thought if I ever fell in love with a married man I’d just never act on it but maybe I’m overly puritanical about everything.

          1. I don’t think love is something people “fall into” like this. That’s lust, or narcissism, or entitlement. Acting on those feelings is a choice. We have agency and aren’t required to have affairs on the fear that love is at stake (wtf does that even mean) if we don’t.

          2. “With love at stake they did what they had to do?” No. They did not. They did what they wanted to do because it was fun and enjoyable. This is the self-serving characterization of two people who are hot for each other and trying to justify what they did. Did they have no other options but to have an affair? (No.) Did they choose to do this knowing the consequences? (Yes.) Does it appear to you that they took any steps to mitigate the harm to others? (No.) Affairs are fun and easy for the people having them. This was not some sort of burden they were obligated to endure to save their love love. To the extent that their divorces were hard, it was mitigated by being able to fling themselves into each other’s arms.

            I would not be so harsh if these people admitted they were falling out of love with their spouses, separated from them (ideally divorced, with finality), and then began a relationship. It happens. It stinks, but it happens. But they went about it in a way that is profoundly disrespectful and harmful to people they love (children) and at least used to love.

            “I kind of thought if I ever fell in love with a married man I’d just never act on it but maybe I’m overly puritanical about everything.”

            Not wanting to engage in behavior that can harm others is not being puritanical. Engaging in affairs is a choice. Being in a position where you have to talk yourself out of engaging in an affair is a choice, too. I am not one of those people who thinks that partnered men and women cannot be friends with people of the opposite sex by any means, but let’s be serious here. Partnered men and women have a responsibility to manage their behavior such that they’re not falling in love with other people and other people aren’t falling in love with them. This is some what of a generalization, but it’s based on my personal experience of being targeted for an affair (it did not happen) by a married man when I was in my early 20s. I’ve also known other people who have cheated and they’ve all done this one thing: knowingly put themselves into positions where they had ample opportunity to develop emotional (and later physical) intimacy with other people.

          3. No the point is it’s none of your business and it’s weird you’re obsessed with it

          4. Yeah on some level if I fell in love with a married parent whose marriage was just fine, I do not think that pursuing them and turning their life upside down for me would even be the loving thing to do.

    10. People are weak and don’t like to move on unless they have someone else lined up, but I’ve seen some horrible situations that made me end ties with the cheater.

      I have a former friend who cheated on his wife during two pregnancies (they had three children). She found out the second time he was (known to be) cheating and left him before she gave birth. He had begged her for this third child and she was reluctant to get pregnant again – he told me that directly. He then fought her in court during the divorce to be in the labor room and for overnights with their newborn while she was breastfeeding and he was living with the affair partner (not the same person as the affair partner during the other pregnancy).

      He’s supposedly now happily married to the affair partner and seems to be thriving in his career. I can’t see any justification for what he did.

      2. I was thinking this too. Things often work out pretty well for men who leave their families? It doesn’t therefore make me think it was true love or that they were more justified.

    11. “But do you guys think if you’re really, truly “in love” with your affair partner it justifies infidelity and breaking up their marriage and yours?”

      NO.

    12. Honestly, this is something I’ve never once worried about, at least as an adult. Yes, divorce is hard on kids. But there are lots of things in life that are hard and lots of people thrive despite less-than-ideal circumstances. My parents did plenty of things that I didn’t/don’t agree with as well as things I didn’t repeat with my own kids.

      Maybe I’m a cold person, but if a friend or family member does something that I don’t like or respect, I tend to detach/give them a wider berth while remaining superficially pleasant. I’m not going to be all up in their business judging them and trying to convince to do something else. Maybe I respect them less, but I’m not going to worry about it.

    13. no, it doesn’t justify an affair. in some ways it makes it worse – if it’s true love then it will wait, there’s no reason you need to cheat on your spouse. you owe it to your spouse to wrap things up with them first before acting on the relationship.

      i think this can be harder with emotional infidelity but with physical infidelity there’s zero excuse.

    14. Congrats on being morally
      Flawless! I actually
      Don’t think people need to justify divorce to random busybodies or anyone else. If you don’t want to be married anymore that’s enough. Be a reasonable co parent and agree to an appropriate division of assets.

      1. One of my close friends did this. At the time, I thought she was crazy– she had kids including a baby. And her marriage was not so unhappy. But she was not feeling as connected as she would’ve liked and she found a better match. She got divorced and is now happily married to her affair partner. Her husband, who is also my friend, was devastated at first. But now he married someone new who is a much better fit for him too . And the kids are fine– the parents are reasonable co-parents and everyone gets along. In the end, I think all involved are happier.

        This is a long way of saying– people are complex.

        1. I’ve seen this happen before too. I will say that part of OP’s issue is that she’s (insisting she’s not) judging these people for mocking the other parents and also deprioritizing the kids. But life goes on and hopefully things will settle down.

        2. I will say as a kid who went through this… The kids may seem/be fine, but it sounds like the kids are young right now. Young kids often don’t get to process this. when it happens I will know my Dad and Stepmom had an affair while my brother was a baby until I die. We have a relationship and I never made trouble for them, but I will always know this about them no matter what they do. Their whole pivot to being very religious after losing their money will always ring hollow to me. But I acknowledge as an adult that life is complicated, and I won’t make their choices.

          1. I know someone who only discovered after her parents’ deaths that they had left previous spouses and children to marry and start the family she grew up within. It wasn’t a particularly happy marriage. It was kind of a lot to take in.

    15. Usually, people who break up their marriages for an affair fall into two camps:
      1. Selfish jerks, and
      2. People who are in deeply unhappy, one-sided marriages who need an excuse to get out.

      Whether or not the affair “works out” doesn’t change anything. If this person is really The One, then they will be there for you after you have exited your marriage.

    16. You might have to come to terms with the fact that life is messy, people make bad decisions that end “well,” good decisions that end badly, and all matter of things in between.

      You might also have to come to terms with the narrowness of your own perspective, no matter how privileged and lucky it may be. You momentarily acknowledge it here, but there’s no evidence that you actually recognize that people make all sorts of decisions with information, backgrounds, and perspectives to which you are not privy.

      1. Yeah. I’m literally working on expanding my perspective. I’m already reconsidering my prior thoughts. Im trying to see things from other directions. I acknowledge I’ll never find a “correct” answer but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be content to just say “people are complex.” Of course they are but that doesn’t mean I can stop considering the particular nuances of why my “gut” position on moral and ethical issues might be misguided or incomplete. That’s true even if I acknowledge i all never really understand everything. I rethink things all the time. I think I’d be a lesser human if I just threw up my hands and stopped considering things. It’s not all consuming but a wrinkle in a previously strongly held belief that I’m interested in exploring. Again, if it’s boring please skip.

        1. Your gut can be right for you and not for others. You keep saying that you’re rethinking things, which is admirable. But you also keep seeming to want to come to a “conclusion.” It’s not just that “people are complex.” It’s that morals and ethics are neither standardized nor universal, particularly when it comes to marriage.

          Your gut isn’t misguided or incomplete. It’s just yours, and it’s not other people’s.

          1. Not cheating on your spouse really doesn’t seem like this big of a gray area? Everyone knows it’s bad, they did it anyway for reasons, and OP doesn’t need to come up with some story for why it’s okay actually because of True Love or some other rationale.

          2. OP doesn’t need to come up with a story at all, is what I’m saying. It’s bad, she can judge all she wants. People tell themselves stories all the time to justify all sorts of things. This isn’t OP’s story, and she seems to know her own mind. The problem is that she keeps suggesting that she’s “reevaluating” when she’s really just fixating.

          3. Yeah I think the fixating comes from not wanting to own up to judging. But not even the people who cheated in this situation really think it’s OK; it’s not how they want to be treated, and they sound defensive about it if they’re actually pressuring OP to take their side. We don’t always live up to our own standards, and every time anyone does something bad, they had their reasons, no matter how bad what they did was. (People have done much, much worse things than cheat in the name of true love!)

        2. I don’t think any of us think your questions are boring. We are more concerned that the cheaters are engaging in behaviors and choices that are pretty unambiguously awful, and you keep trying to find merit in what they are doing.

          Sometimes there are not good people on both sides. This seems like one of those times, and for some reason you seem hellbent on gaslighting yourself into thinking otherwise.

        3. Are you trying to make this into a Disney story?

          To me it sounds more like Charles and Camilla…

      2. I had some relationships in my teens and 20s that were pretty much garbage/dumpster fires. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes was the other person’s fault. If you’re lucky enough to bypass these kinds of things in your life, don’t worry about the bad decisions of others.

  17. i am second in a small legal office. as part of a raise/ promotion i am working directly for a department (so in addition to being second in whole office i am the direct person for a silo) the head of said silo wants us to meet every 2 weeks. she doesn’t seem to have an agenda scheduled. i have already read a lot of documents and given a lot of advice and i deal with things as it comes… i feel like the onus is on me to have things to discuss at this meeting… general thoughts and suggestions?

    1. Have status updates ready to share, use the time to discuss any needs you have, and ask that person what else is on their mind. Otherwise just ask them how they want the meetings to go.

    2. You can also ask if there is anything she wants you to consider or be prepared to discuss at the next meeting.

  18. calling all GLP nonresponders… did anything ever work for you? i’ve been on both wegovy then zepbound and haven’t lost much weight (30 lbs of the 75+ i have to lose). i’m taking a low dose of zepbound now because when i tried to go off i gained 10 lbs back. trying to decide whether to buckle down and commit to a higher dose and more $$$, try something new (foundayo?) or quit.

    1. i know nothing about any of it but to say that 30 lbs of 75 is not much weight is…. factually inaccurate.

      1. Agree. I was on the low dose of zepbound for two years and just went up to 5. You’ve lost a significant amount of weight, but the drug isn’t magic. You do have to make choices about what to eat and when if you want more weight loss.

        If you get the vials from lil ly direct, the increase is only about fifty dollars more.

        1. IIRC most studies show a weight loss of 20%, which has positive health benefits. It’s just not the full amount someone might need.

    2. A normal rate of weight loss is 0.5-2lbs a week. Congrats! You’re normal.

      Also, why not just increase the dose??? If you had side effects there are ways to address that including split dosing, etc.

      Lastly, this is a lifetime medicine for treating the disease of obesity. The data shows you will gain if you stop. Your doctor should’ve made that clear.

    3. You may have to increase the dose. I maxed out Wegovy and then switched to 15 mg of Zepbound. I lost 20% of my body weight (40 lbs) and can’t lose anymore than that, but that’s the expected max loss and I hit my goal weight, although I’m certainly not skinny by any means. However, to maintain my weight loss I do seem to need to stay at the max dose – if I drop even a little bit I can gain some weight back. I asked my doctor why I seem to need such a high dose when everyone else can maintain on a low dose and she basically just said everyone is different. For whatever reason, I need the highest dose possible.

    5. I maintained weight on Wegovy – no gain, no loss – even after maxing out. On Zepbound, I’m at 12.5 dosage and I’m losing about 2-3 pounds per month. It’s certainly slower than what everyone else seems to lose, but I was losing zero before starting a GLP-1, so it’s still progress! It’s expensive for my budget, so I tried to go off, but I gained about ten pounds over two months. I hate the cost, but I’m hopeful that more options, and more affordable ones, will come to market in the next few years so I’m not paying $$$ for the rest of my life. I also remind myself that I deserve to be healthy, I’m still affording all my essentials and my retirement savings, and this monthly cost is another long-term investment in myself.

    6. Talk to your doctor, but I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re a “nonresponder” until you’ve tried the higher dosage! I didn’t see really start seeing results on Wegovy until I got to the highest dosage.

    7. I lost 50 lbs total, in 18 months. I slowly went up in dose on semaglutide, maxed out and couldn’t lose any more weight, so dr switched me to tirzepatide and I lost the rest to get to 50 lbs total. Now I am very gradually moving down in dose every 1-2 months and I have only gained 5 lbs back in a year. I am now at the second to lowest does of tirzepatide and will go down to the lowest dose soon. I expect to have to stay on that lose dose indefinitely or switch to every other week shots at the low dose, but I also might try going off it once I am on the lowest dose for awhile. I am okay staying on it indefinitely if I find I need to since it made such a big difference in my health, my blood work and my life in general.

    8. It’s taken me two years to lose 45 pounds. I need to lose about 25 more minimally and preferably 35. But, I’m not trying too hard (short and physically limited as to exercise means I need 1200 calories per day or less to really lose) and I’m just happy that I’m going down instead of up. So I just keep plugging along, slowly but surely. It’s been a miracle drug for me.

  19. Science help: is it insulin resistance? Or your body just not making enough insulin?

    Like if I have hypothyroidism, my thyroid doesn’t make enough (vs my body is thyroid-hormone resistant).

    1. These are just totally different things that people can have. If your body doesn’t make enough insulin, you have diabetes and will be treating it with insulin.

  20. Curious to hear from current or former high achievers: how do you define doing “good enough” at your job? I think a lot of us get to a point where the markers aren’t as clear as they used to be. Or we’re in environments where there aren’t many pathways to advancement, so we have to find our validation elsewhere. I guess I’m realizing that I’ve reached a career stage where I need to rely more on my internal compass than any external validation, and I’m finding that to be harder than I expected.

    1. is anyone complaining? have you ever had a negative review? do you “know” that your supervisor thinks you’re terrific? are you at minimum, getting all the bumps and raises others are getting and (even better) have you gotten incremental bumps for other things (like i’m the one who posted above about being assigned to a particular silo…. it was a way of my organization promoting me when they can’t make me GC because we have one). All those are good enough for me these days. Gretchen rubin talks about needing a “gold star” and i think most of us do, it’s normal to crave external validation. That said, for me at least, as I’ve gotten older (heath kids, personal circumstances) i no longer feel that to be successful means guns blazing.

    2. The answer is finding meaning outside your job. If you’re satisfied with compensation and work-life balance and aren’t getting negative feedback then be happy. Accept that no news is good news when it comes to performance.

    3. Mostly by leaning into achievements outside of work, which for me is through sports. Also, though leaning into subjective/unofficial markers of success at work: do people want to work with me? Am I getting asked to take on more complex work?

    4. Do you mean “good enough” for your professional growth/standing, or “good enough” for yourself as a whole person? Assuming the latter, my “good enough” means “getting good reviews and feeling secure in my job but my work is not interfering excessively with other areas of my life that I care about.” If the former, I am shocked to find that I simply do not care that much about external markers of achievement now that I have other things in my life that give me meaning and are enjoyable. (That said, I have never been passionate about my work.)

    5. I am doing good enough when my paycheck keeps coming, my boss is content enough with my work to let me operate autonomously, my colleagues are pleasant, I get decent reviews, and can devote time to life outside of work.

      Learning new skills for my hobbies, creating or improving things with my own hands, achieving a fitness goal, those are what I find most validating these days.

    6. It is much harder than expected, and it takes time (in my experience) to reframe things. Think about work you want to do, and what it means to do it well. Think about other things you want to do, and what it means to do it well. Start to make choices based on those criteria, rather than the external criteria of advancement, etc. The hardest shift for me had to do with approval and recognition — that was something I’d long relied on as motivation, and it took intentional work and time to release my grip on those things.

    7. My judgment is whether I’m somewhere between fairly satisfied and happy with my own performance. Anything less than fairly satisfied means that I need to step it up.

  21. Hi Ladies, can you please recommend the following for me:

    1) medical malpractice attorney in the miami-dade area (or florida). a family friend’s gastro never saw any problem except suddenly there are multiple stomach tumors :((((

    2) NY shareholder/partner dispute litigation attorney, need someone to potentially sue a former partner in closely held corporation.

    Thanks in advance and happy Monday!

    1. For 1, Randy Rosenblum at Dolan, Dobrinsky, Rosenblum. Caveat is I haven’t see him in med mal cases, just other types of PI cases, but he is very good in those (I say this as a defense lawyer) and I know he does some med mal.

    3. If you post a burner email, I will give you a recommendation for the NYC attorney.

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