Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Pleated Midi Skirt

341 Comments

1. Go fug yourself had a comment about Moon Cat nailpolish and I checked them out. I am not a nails person (fiddle player), but I do my toes. OMG the colors are great (great if you like over the top Vegas style lots of shiny things going on). Have any of you tried IRL? It’s pricey compared to what is at the drug store, but it’s not like my usual Essie ones are that much less.

   1. Mooncat has lovely colors and apparently a good formula. However, lately they have had major issues with their bottles breaking, and not just during transit. If you want to learn more, visit r/RedditLaqueristas.

   2. I have about 10 bottles of MoonCat and love them! One of their bottles did break during shipping but they replaced it and their customer service was great. My favorite color is Fake Halo because it’s pretty neutral and I can wear it everywhere.

   3. You all should go on the website if for no other reason that a trail of sparkles / moondust follows your cursor around. I am like a cat watching it.

   4. I have several colors as well as their base and top coats and I really like them. I haven’t had any issues with broken bottles. They last a fairly long time for me and can go for weeks on toes.

   5. Is this a guérilla ad?

      1. Ha. I wish. Maybe I should post an affiliate link? People here always talk about the same brands and I hadn’t seen it at the drugstore but I love how extra it is. Didn’t know there were Reddit forums on nail polish (I guess the fancy stuff is lacquer now?).

   6. I also love Moon Cat. I have probably 15 bottles (and also have not had issues with breaking).

2. I’ve been trying to find cotton bicycle shorts to wear under dresses and skirts in the heat, has anybody seen this unicorn? Would be very grateful for tips, I’ve looked everywhere I could think of both in store and online.

   I’m looking for:
   – Cotton (lyocell at a pinch, but no poly synthetics beyond 5 % elastane)
   – No broad elastic band at waist, either stretchy rib or thin (1/4 inch max) elastic
   – Above knee
   – Preferably no lace at knees
   – No shaping materials – I want something to absorb sweat, not generate it…

   1. I have some from Hanes that I like.

      I know you want cotton to absorb sweat, but cotton really holds onto sweat. Are you sure you don’t want a quick drying synthetic?

      1. I’m kinda with her in preferring cotton; the synthetics make me sweat more. They’re quick-drying in theory, but not if you keep sweating.

      2. Yes, I am absolutely sure I don’t want synthetics. They would make me both sweat more, and stink! :)

         I’ll using these to protect me from the stink of synthetics.

         Thanks for the Hanes rec, will check it out!

      3. 1000% agree that cotton holds onto sweat, i got rid of nearly all my cotton underwear after wearing it exclusively for 30+ years. vastly prefer silk now or mesh options like tommy john — they both dry so so quickly.

   2. I found some very basic ones earlier this year from Old Navy that have worked great. I bought several lengths. The waistband may be slightly wider than what you’re looking for though.

      1. Yes, Old Navy has good bike shorts that I think are mostly cotton.

      2. Yeah, the broader elastic is what I’ve been seing in store as well. I’ll have another look at ON, thank you!

      3. Forever 21 also has a similar – it’s higher waisted than I would like but might be worth looking at

   3. following with interest!

   4. Check out Hanes – tho the waistband might not be quite right.

   5. I haven’t checked recently, but the Assets brand of shaping shorts are, or were, 90-95% cotton. I buy a size larger than I need and they aren’t any tighter than athletic style bike shorts. I used to get them at Target or Kohls (mostly online).

      I know you said, no shaping, but this brand has very minimal shaping and I find them no hotter than bike shorts to wear under dresses in DC summers.

      1. Thank you, I hadn’t considered that there might be cotton shapewear, have only seen the synthetic ones – will try to find those.

         1. Hmm, looks like they are mostly nylon now. Bummer, I really like the cotton ones for summer. Sorry!

   6. You might want to see if you can find a wool bike short for under dresses. Wool is great at wicking away sweat, won’t hold odors like cotton, and heat regulating. I love it.

      1. OP here, and I agree, wool shorts are great, and I have a pair for a little bit colder weather than my current.

         I was originally looking for a wool/silk mix, but they are even more difficult to find, so have settled for looking for cotton.

      2. +1. Cotton sounds awful for dealing with sweat. It just soaks up the sweat and stays wet/damp against the skin. It is very slow drying too. Wool/silk natural fibers would wick the sweat and not smell like synthetics. Check out Hanro’s woolen silk collection. Pricey but nice quality. For just wool, Icebreaker has shorts that wear like iron.

   7. You might try men’s boxer briefs if you strike out.

      1. I’m not OP, but I tried that myself, and unfortunately, if you have any junk in the trunk or woman shaped hips, men’s boxer briefs are gonna be really low in the back waistband. They’re just not built for that kind of shape

      2. Check Parade for “genderless” options; might solve for the hips/booty thing described by the commenter below! Can’t speak to the fabric makeup of those options, but I love Parade stuff generally.

   8. I’ve no idea if they’re available outside central Europe, but I have both cotton and wool bike shorts with zero compression or shaping from the brands Calida and Speidel. Narrow waist band, above the knee and in several colours (black, beige, navy, grey depending on the brand). Very comfy and have also survived being used as actual bike shorts (I also wear them under dresses when I cycle around town/to work).

      1. This sounds like exactly what I’m looking for, thank you! Will be able to shop in Europe later this summer, so I’ll look out for those brands.

         1. Try the Iconics line from Calida – I think they’ll be easiest to find.

   9. I bought some off of Amazon last summer. molasus brand called women’s boxers. they are 95% cotton and are excellent in DC summers.

   10. I bought women’s boxer briefs, 95% cotton, wide waistband, no shaping, exactly for this purpose. I have big thighs, and they don’t roll up either. I’ve had them 2 years, and they’ve held up well. Search on the river site:

       Brand CAILECOTTON
       Boy Shorts Underwear for Women – Boxers for Women,Boyshorts Panties for Women,Womens Boxer Briefs,Underwear Women

   11. Thank you everybody – I got loads of new ideas for my unicorn shorts hunt!

   12. Ulla Popken has some options if you’re size 12+.

       https://www.ullapopken.com/en/lingerie/boyfriend-panties/ulla-la-stretch-cotton-short-elastic-waist-panties/p/799090130-1134

       https://www.ullapopken.com/en/lingerie/boyfriend-panties/3-pack-of-long-line-panties/p/716595100-1942

       https://www.ullapopken.com/en/pants/leggings/stretch-knit-bike-shorts/p/567565755-1942

       https://www.ullapopken.com/en/pants/leggings/eco-cotton-bike-shorts/p/826364816-1129

       https://www.ullapopken.com/en/pants/leggings/stretch-fit-lounge-bike-shorts/p/816459139-1128

       Not exactly a trendy brand, but Vermont Country Store has some a basic version as well in lots of different sizes:

       https://www.vermontcountrystore.com/womens-mid-thigh-cotton-briefs-3-pairs/product/78111

       When I googled “cotton bike shorts,” a bunch of items also came up at Target.

       https://www.target.com/p/reebok-identity-small-logo-cotton-bike-short/-/A-89694706?preselect=89694707#lnk=sametab

       Mostly-cotton Jockey Skimmies, but with a wider waistband. Maybe size up if you don’t want compression:

       https://www.jockey.com/catalog/product/jockey-womens-high-waist-cotton-stretch-bike-short?color=0001

   13. The answer to this is THIGH SOCIETY. I have done extensive research!

   14. Yes, H&M’s bike shorts meant to be worn as an “outside garment” are perfect for this. Size up as they have little stretch, but they really work very well. The elastic is flat and lightweight and not tight or intense, I almost think it’s elasticized cotton rather than an elastic band, if that makes sense.

3. I know there are college admins on here, so asking since google isn’t being helpful. My sister has a bunch of kids and a deadbeat ex. She has co-signed a bunch of student loans for Kid 1 already. I think she maybe makes 50K (and her ex doesn’t help out financially and is likely broke). Next month she likely has to co-sign for another year for Kid 1, and probably owes at least a year’s salary. For Kids 2-4, can she just so-sign loans into infinity or is she going to get capped out at some point (like if you just make 50K, you maybe can’t run up 200K in co-signed loans, especially if you have no other assets)? Asking because I don’t want to be called in a panic by a niece/nephew that suddenly I will need to co-sign or they can’t finish a degree, etc. (which I can see happening — nephew did that with my parents and they politely declined but it caused a lot of anger and hurt feelings). They think because I’m a lawyer I have $$$ in free funds but it’s because I put myself through school that I now have a strong loans-are-the-devil inclination (and honestly could afford to treat all nieces / nephews to a few thousand dollars each for college vs being on the hook for much larger committments to come and not others and who knows it I wouldn’t be stuck paying on them or have to defer retirement / wreck my credit)

   1. Sounds like a situation in which they either need to go to community college then transfer and work during college and likely take more than four years, get a ton of scholarships and/or you give them each a set amount as a gift. Little difficult to parse through your post what you are actually wanting or willing to do for them.

      1. Just a note that often transfers are often not eligible for merit-based scholarships. Rankings only take into account stats for first-time, first-year students, so those dollars get allocated to admits that will boost those numbers.

         1. +1 a CC transfer can be tricky and may not necessarily save any money, due to lack of aid for transfers and course credit always transferring. If this is the plan, students should have a four-year college in mind and be very clear on the transfer requirements before beginning

         2. While not eligible for merit aid, there are often programs specifically for CC transfers. My brother transferred from CC to a local private university. He thought he’d go to one of the three local public universities, but the private university (which is ranked better than the public ones and has a great reputation) was much cheaper (about 2k per semester) because it had a program for CC transfers and with that came discounted tuition.

            It was something he could look into when he was starting CC – they have a program with most local universities that if you achieve a certain GPA (different for each school) at CC, you get automatic admittance into the university. Along with this, he was able to see if there were any financial incentives as well.

            1. Random semi-threadjack — has anyone done the CC to UNC-Chapel Hill? That one seems to be more population-limited than the CC to, say, UNC-Charlotte.

               Downthread, it seems to disappointing to see how dual-enrollment is in actuality than how it’s portrayed (at least in my county).

   2. You have no obligation to help fund any college or co-sign on loans. I personally would never co-sign a loan except for a) my spouse or child and only when I had the money to be fully on the hook for it if needed.

      That being said, it’s nearly impossible to put yourself through college anymore. Even if you do 2 years at CC and transfer to the local, affordable state U and live at home and work FT the whole time. College is just plain expensive. Plus there are opportunity costs associated with doing this (no internships, likely will take more than 4 years and thus lose out on postgrad salary for a few years, and depending on field, employers may not recruit from local state U).

      Given the parent financial situation, I assume kids could get good financial aid, scholarships, and grants. Note: it can often be cheaper to attend a private U with good financial aid than a local U without. Good private Us have much more money to give.

      Thirdly, I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but situations like this are why a lot of kids without many options join the military.

      FWIW, I am putting myself through grad school. I make 6 figures in a MCOL area, am a SINK, and have no debt. I chose the cheapest option for me, take one class at a time, and still only go two semesters a year because I can’t afford to go all 3 (summer term). Of course I have expenses like rent, groceries, utilities, that students living st home may not have and I still contribute to retirement and savings. But even so, on my salary, going more than extremely extremely part time is not an option paying out of pocket.

      1. The story the other day of JD Vance’s Yale financial aid for coming from a poor family makes me think that going to local state U is often not going to work because they have tons of needy kids and not enough endowment to make the math work. Maybe these kids aren’t Yale level, but maybe W&L or University of Richmond level (and those schools certainly have endowments).

         1. Yeah, I posted below that I went to a Patriot League school (which is pretty on par with W&L and Richmond) and there were lots of us getting lots of aid from the nice endowment (all but one or two are over $1 billion).

         2. W&L gives fantastic aid – if you’re brilliant. I wish parents and counselors were more honest about the stats needed to get scholarships. “Scholarships !” Okay we all understand you’re not going to get a track scholarship if your PB is a 6:25 on the 1600m, or a basketball scholarship when you’re on JV, so why do we expect that academic scholarships are available?

            1. A lot of these places give need-based aid that doesn’t have to be repaid. Not just merit aid.

            2. Yeah, you still have to be able to get into W&L, Richmond, or a Patriot League school and their ilk which isn’t easy, but when you do there’s a lot of need-based aid to go around, and obviously these kids would qualify for a lot of it. If they can get merit aid or scholarships too, that’s extra and is great. But there’s a lot of need-based financial aid.

            3. Those schools have high admit rates. If you can’t get in to one of those schools I’d question whether college is the right path.

            4. Uh, Colgate (a Patriot League school) has a 12.4% acceptance rate, W&L is 17%. BU (also Patriot League) is 14.4%.

            5. If the kids have financial need then merit scholarships are moot. They will get need-based grants at a private school. If they get merit aid it displaces need-based aid; it’s not additive.

            6. They’ll get need-based aid at a well-endowed private school. W&L yes, Holy Family University, probably not.

            7. Anon at 11:13 – are you for real? those are excellent schools.

            8. Most schools can’t afford need-based aid to everyone who qualifies and is admitted. So they give it out to the students they want the most, which basically means it is functionally merit aid with the additional requirement of having high financial need.

               In many ways, ALL aid is merit based, to some extent. You’re smart and talented enough to get into Yale – they cover 100% of all demonstrated need. You get a merit scholarship somewhere. A lower ranked school that doesn’t meet all demonstrated need meets all of your demonstrated need because you have great stats.

               Please, don’t @ me about “need based aid.” The need is a necessary but NOT sufficient condition.

   3. Whoa. Let’s back up here.

      If you have a few thousand dollars to throw at the problem, that’s best spent getting actual professional financial advice for your sister and her kids.

      Some of that might be to explore colleges that have caps on parental income and are free, like Berea.

      Whether or not she CAN keep signing the loans isn’t the question. It’s the wisdom of doing so. Everyone here needs a much better plan, which likely involves part-time online school while working, or a school that gives better financial aid. That really sucks but life isn’t fair. Signing the loans isn’t the solution.

      1. Honestly, if you can throw a few thousand at it offering to cover their books (or books up to a certain amount) would be very helpful. Aid mostly doesn’t cover books, which can be expensive.

         1. No.

            The problem is structural: the mom is co-signing for loans that are going to be 4x her annual income.

            That’s solved with a professional telling them how to play the game and/or make this happen with part-time and online school.

            1. You can learn how to play the game for free – lots of useful comments here. Even if you pay for financial counseling, is mom or students going to listen?

               Mom should not be cosigning for 200k of loans, but aunt can also offer to help financially without cosigning herself or paying for a financial counselor.

            2. What sort of person helps with this? College counselors (the private ones) are $$$ and are just aimed at getting your kid in (at least in my city). How do you find these people? There are financial planners, but they seem to be retirement-focused, not on this for people with even less $.

      2. Lets be very, very clear: when you mention online school it 100% should only be from a university that’s also brick and mortar that offers online classes. It should never be an online only school. It should also (obviously) not be a for-profit school.

         For-profit schools are predatory and often set up for students to fail AND your resume will be laughed out of most application pools for having an online only university on it.

         1. Starbucks has a deal with Arizona State online and Papa John’s has it with IIRC Purdue. So I’d look at things like that, one credit at a time. Everyone eats pizza and most drink coffee.

            1. So Purdue Global Online or whatever its called is just the rebrand of Kaplan – its not nearly as prestigious as the real Purdue.

            2. Purdue Global != Purdue, and I think ASU online is similarly not ASU. An online degree may work for some people, but it’s not the same as getting a degree from a respected brick and mortar State U.

            3. Adding on – Purdue Global is accredited separately from Purdue University. It also has pretty poor student outcomes – 33% graduation rate and if you look at the numbers of grads not making progress on student loans it kind of shows that the financial outcomes for its students aren’t great either.

               Arizona State seems to be actually related to ASU, which is definitely better. However, most people look down on ASU regardless of if you go online or brick and mortar.

            4. It’s very confusing. Purdue Online is the online university operated by Purdue University, and is generally the same degree although you don’t get the in person campus experience. Many classes are taught by faculty from the flagship campus in West Lafayette.
               Purdue Global is the former Kaplan U and is a completely separate entity that’s much less prestigious than Purdue/Purdue Online. Purdue Global is what Papa John’s is connected to.

               Source: I work at Purdue in West Lafayette.

            5. IDK that I’d get a degree from these but transferable credits to maybe shave off a semester or make it so that I could work PT some or do an internship.

            6. Yeah, but your college that you transfer to has to accept those credits. Most colleges aren’t going to accept Purdue Global credits.

         2. Headdesk. Thanks for unnecessary lecture.

            My husband teaches at a brick and mortar state U that has a heavy asynchronous online component. That is what I was thinking of, for heaven’s sake. I’m not telling them to get a fake degree.

            1. Well a) some of the other advice you gave was dubious and b) clearly not everyone knows this about online schools because many students still go to the degree mills and a presumably well educated poster here mixed up Purdue Global and real Purdue so it’s always good to qualify c) unrelated, but you’ve been so rude today.

            2. Anon at 12:39, look in the mirror and repeat your own comment at the person staring back at you.

   4. This isn’t an exact answer to your question, but if she can’t make the payments and defaults then she likely wont be eligible to take out more loans for subsequent kids (definitely not federal loans, maybe some sneaky private loan services would allow it). Currently the amount a kid can take in their own name is capped pretty low ($5500-7500 a year) and the rest is parent loans.

      If you have the type of relationship where they would call and request boatloads of money, could you offer guidance to your nieces and nephews earlier in the process? Help them figure out how to set a college budget and choose a school that meets need (with such a low income, probably they’d qualify for a good bit of aid at certain schools). I know that’s also a big ask of you, but just throwing out the idea. You need to set expectations very early that you are not a bank and will not be funding college.

      1. I guess defaulting is one kid graduates, doesn’t pay, parent co-signer doesn’t pay? But until the loan is in default, just a parent co-signing doesn’t otherwise affect these ability to keep co-signing?

   5. Hmm, not sure of the answer but at that level of income and zero support my presumption is that the kids would be eligible for assistance from the college directly. Many private colleges have endowments so it it worth the ask.
      There is no way I would cosign loans for them. Nope. We did not cosign for my college kids either, after what we saved was exhausted they had to get jobs and save all summer to fund the rest. They went to state schools and received grants too. If they did not have the monies saved they would have had to take a semester off and work full time to fund it.
      Our financial planner was really clear on this with us “you cannot pay for your retirement with loans”. That was a hard stop eye opener for us.
      As to your situation, if swinging equal gifts towards their college expenses is within your financial means, then that sounds reasonable.

      1. They’d definitely get a free ride at the Ivies but most colleges don’t have huge endowments and wouldn’t be able to give much aid, even to someone at that income level.

         1. It really depends – I went to a Patriot League school (so still selective, but not Ivy level) and there was a lot of aid to go around. It seemed like people either got significant aid (which they coupled with loans) or their parents paid full boat. But between me and my friends who got good aid, we had parents who worked construction, were small-town hair dressers, admin assistants, teachers, truck drivers, CNAs and medical assistants. FWIW, I got good aid, a scholarship, my parents paid what they could, and I graduated (in 2017) with about 30k of loans.I also had 12 hours of work study a week. I was able to pay off my loans in 4 years because schools like mine have very good job placement rates at jobs that pay well.

            My friends and I discussed that it was cheaper for us to go to our university than it was to go in-state because there was much better aid at our school. People automatically write off the expensive private schools when looking for cheap school, but they shouldn’t.

            1. My daughter is attending a private college that is excellent but ranked low enough that it gives merit aid. We are in the middle income bracket where the CSS and FAFSA formulas put us on the hook for way more than we can actually afford, and our daughter had excellent stats that made her attractive to this type of private school (she could have gotten into some elite schools but those only give need-based aid; lower-tier schools want her stats to boost their averages). After merit aid her private school is costing us less than the highly ranked public school that admitted her to its honors program would have cost. If we were a single-income family she would have had even more options because the elite schools would have given her need-based aid.

            2. Well endowed private schools are cheaper – for kids who can get in. For middle of the pack students, it’s a moot point.

            3. Honestly, I kind of think if you can’t get into a school with an endowment and money for aid, its probably not worth going to college*. Most of what I’ve seen from graduates of lower ranked public and private schools is really embarrassing. I work with a lot of recent grads and have worked with students from a wide range of schools. If its not a top 100 public university, private university, or private college its not really worth it paying so much for,

               Obviously, there are kids who are smart who weren’t adequately supported and are much smarter than the college they could get into, but with a few exceptions, the poorer ranked universities aren’t going to actually be able to teach them enough to remedy this.

            4. Most public universities don’t give a lot of need-based aid, but it’s still very worth going to a good public school. Of course, (in state) public tuition is much cheaper than private college. Many top public universities are less than $15k/year for in state kids.

            5. Sorry – my comment was about private schools (re:endowment and money for aid). Flagship state U’s (University of ____) are always worth it, as are the state’s secondary (____ State University). After that, depends a lot on the state and the school!

               Ofc, costs are regional. I’m on the East Coast and our top state schools are close to $30k in-state (including room and board) which is untenable for many.

            6. Our top-ranked state schools are over $40K and offer almost zero merit aid. A kid who can get in there is going to get lots of merit aid at a better private school than U of R.

            7. I am told that University of Richmond has gotten harder to get into and is much better regarded now vs prior decades.

            8. Yes, U of Richmond is well regarded now. I’m younger, so I didn’t know that it wasn’t always regarded well. It has a 24% acceptance rate and an 88% graduation rate.

            9. Please tell me I’m not the only one who snickered at “well-endowed schools”. I know what you mean but… lol.

      2. 10:34 commenter, the snobbery, lack of nuance, and understanding in your comment is staggering.

         1. Is it snobbery? To me it often seems like snobbery to put college on a pedestal and then be insulted on behalf of everyone who could do better without it if someone points out there are better career paths out there.

            1. Yes, it is snobbery. It seems to me you’re the one putting the “top 100 schools” on a pedestal and suggesting that everyone (statistically – the vast majority of college graduates) who didn’t get into one of those schools shouldn’t have even bothered with college.

            2. But what if it’s true that the vast majority of college graduates didn’t benefit in proportion to the costs?

            3. So two things, I mean top 100 of each category so that’s 300 schools. There’s a BIG range there – plenty of options for mediocre students.

               College is not for everyone and that’s okay. If you’re not a college caliber student, you shouldn’t go to college. Enrollment has skyrocketed as kids are taught it’s the only worthy option. It’s not. That’s okay.

               I’ve worked with a lot of people who went to lower ranked public universities who can barely string together a sentence. I’m not kidding, if you went to Kutztown I will not hire you. I’ve been burned before.

            4. I don’t think it’s snobbery to suggest that middle of the road students not go into deep debt for college. It’s often a terrible choice and the ROI isn’t there.

            5. I think they said top 100 public which is very different than top 100 overall.

   6. Are these private student loans of some kind? I generated lots of student loans on my way to my MD degree and my parents never co-signed a thing. I took out $200,000 in federal student loans and another $30,000 in private student loans. There are certainly ways for her kids to get loans that do not involve a co-signer. Is she conflating filling out the FAFSA with cosigning?

      1. The federal loan rules have really tightened, and kids are only allowed to take $5500-7500 per year for undergrad, due to their lack of income and credit. Parents (or another adult who meets the lending requirements) need to take out the remainder in their own name.

      2. I graduated in 2017 and the only people I know whose parents cosigned for loans needed private loans because their parents had good income on paper, but spent it poorly / didn’t save and thus had nothing to contribute to school. But, since they made good money they didn’t qualify for aid.

   7. I am confused as to why large loans are required. At that income level there should be a lot of grant aid. For kids 2-4 I would be looking at private colleges, which tend to offer more gift (non-loan) aid than state schools. But my EFC was zero and between Pell grants, state grants, and merit aid, I had to take on very little debt even though I attended a top public school.

      1. Just guessing, but a very realistic situation is Dad’s income counts against them on the FAFSA. Our need based aid calculations are terrible for kids whose family finances don’t fit neatly in the model. Also unless you are at a school with more-generous-than-fafsa aid (like the very prestigious ones with oodles of money to throw at “make sure we don’t have a student body of only the 1%”), you are going to need loans.

         1. FAFSA now only counts the custodial parent’s income.

         2. If the parents have split up, I thought that the FAFSA just counted the custodial parent. And that maybe private schools or some scholarship programs asked about the non-custodial parent.

            I think a lot of divorced kids would be hosed because even if the HHI is the same as non-divorced kids, there is less $ to go around b/c the living expenses of maintaining two households is likely higher.

            College is getting like cash-pay health care — IDK who is even able to afford things anymore (clearly, somebody).

         3. Yup a lot of kids of divorced parents get screwed by this.

      2. IDK the specifics but I hear that living expenses are where things often fall apart (like you may have $0 tuition but books, fees, housing, and meals can be a thousand dollars a month, which is higher than what a kid can borrow in their name, assuming they don’t have wrecked credit). Maybe you get a partial scholarship, maybe your transfer, maybe the grants aren’t enough or your scholarship isn’t renewed.

         1. Financial aid covers housing.

         2. There are workaround: petition to live off campus and find cheap rent (depending where you are), become an RA for free housing / meal plan after freshman year, choose a local school and commute. Books are expensive, but can be covered with a part time job easily. My work-study (12 hours a week at $9 an hour) was enough to cover books and things like toiletries, groceries, and miscellaneous expenses.

      3. Many schools do not meet all demonstrated need for all students. Eligibility for need based aid =\= receiving said aid.

   8. One thing I see in my state is dual-enrollment where a kid graduates high school with an associate’s degree or a lot of their gen ed credits fulfilled. IDK why it’s done like this, but it’s pushed for kids in Title 1 schools but the high-performers are pushed into IB tracks where they are thought to look better for Flagship State U and typical 4-year colleges. No one seems to factor in that kids often can’t afford the schools they are trying to look good for or that they are so dismally prepared that they may not be able to stay on track or benefit from the IB weighting (I think just As and Bs are weighted, not Cs and lower). For a lot of jobs, you just need a BA from anywhere. And you can’t be in debt from the BA unless your job will pay $$$ or you can get loan forgiveness (which I think mathematically has to be going away at some point except maybe for very needed fields or underserved locations).

      1. Dual enrollment is not actually going to cut two years or even one year off a four-year degree. Those courses do not fulfill major prerequisites so even if all your GE requirements are ticked off (unlikely), you still need 3-4 years to get in all your major requirements. IB or AP is more impressive to colleges because those courses tend to be more rigorous and involve more writing, so for admissions purposes IB or AP is the way to go.

         1. Eh, it really depends on how much college credit you take and where you matriculate. I did a lot of college classes in high school and absolutely could have graduated a year early from college if I’d wanted. (I stayed all 4 years because my parents could afford it, and wanted me to have the traditional college experience, but credits-wise the math would have worked fine to graduate in 3 years). And I went to an elite private school, so not all my low level credits transferred. If I’d matriculated at the same State U where I took classes in high school, I could have easily gotten out in 2-2.5 years.

            Fwiw, at the time I went, really elite private colleges were more impressed with college classes (especially junior/senior level ones) in high school than AP/IB, because it was much rarer. Maybe that’s changed, since I do think dual enrollment is more common now.

   9. This is something where you have to know the game in order to play the game. A lot of people work with incorrect assumptions about paying for college and thus end up in debt up to their eyeballs. A lot of this will also depend on geography and your nibling’s intended fields.

      1) Private universities have much more money for financial aid and merit aid than public universities. In this day and age, many public universities are still $$$ and thus its likely that, if they’re a strong student and can get into a well resourced private university, they will save money by taking that route.
      2) A lot of public and private universities offer dreadful educations and this will impact their ability to find a job after graduation. In many cases, your school matters just as much as your major and experience in finding a job post-grad.
      3) Major matters. Obviously a kid in this financial situation should choose a major with a clearly defined career path. While I think there is a lot of value in studying the humanities, unfortunately these kids cannot gamble with a degree that won’t result in a job. But, also, many careers’ average salaries are inflated by really well paying jobs at the top and then the rest of the jobs are average at best. It’s a lot like law – if you’re not in Big Law its not worth the loans for law school. For example, if the Big 4 does not recruit out of your university do not study accounting. Many non-public accounting jobs do not pay very well. Yes, its a practical degree but you need time in the Big 4 to make good money AND to open doors to subsequent jobs that will pay well.
      4) Internships matter. Its very, very rare to get a job offer from the Big 4 if you did not intern for them. Its rare to get into med school if you didn’t shadow or scribe in a hospital. Some internships pay very well (Big 4, some engineering ones) but many others are unpaid. Your niblings may have to do the calculus if taking an unpaid or poorly paid internship to get a good job after graduation is worth it vs making money while working in the summer.
      5) There are so many worthy service jobs that I believe should offer similar educational benefits as the military, but they dont. So, niblings should consider either enlisting in the military and then going to college or ROTC with scholarship at college or a service academy. Enlisting in the National Guard or Reserves and doing that while attending college does not offer as good as educational benefits as other options I mentioned above.
      6) Depending on the housing and meal plan and greek life on campus , it might be cheaper to join greek life and live and eat in the house rather than dorms and dining hall.

      1. This is where IYKYK, but I don’t know and was struck by this: “Its rare to get into med school if you didn’t shadow or scribe in a hospital.”

         What does it mean to shadow or scribe? Is shadowing like you go to work with your family friend who is a nurse for a day and see what it’s like? Or is it a more regular thing with a formal program you apply to (I assume unpaid) and forgo having a PT work or summer job?

         Scribing is paid though, yes? And can be done PT?

         First-gen and trying to figure it out (current paralegal, which I got b/c I am good at dealing with Edgar filings, but can’t do this forever and am just doing it to get residency and take some harder chem classes in the fall).

         1. Shadow means you follow usually one doctor around. Unpaid, usually informally arranged, much more of a “watch and decide if this is for you” situation. I shadowed in college by cold reaching out to a couple of my college’s alumni and finding someone willing to take me. Scribe is a position that you apply for and actually do work. Conveniently enough, shadowing convinced me I didn’t want to be a doctor so saved me a LOT of future tuition money.

         2. I was also first generation applying to medical school and the Student Doctor Network forums were super helpful. I got so much information there that I couldn’t find anywhere else. You have to take things with a grain of salt sometimes because it is a public forum just like this one. I was part of a thread that had 100+ students who all applied to my medical school the same application season sharing tips, tricks, interview day questions, and reporting their MCATs and GPAs as their acceptances and declines rolled in from the school to help crowdsource data. Once I was in the class I made real-life friends with many of those folks I originally met on SDN. https://forums.studentdoctor.net/forums/2024-2025-md-medical-school-specific-discussions.1198/

      2. This is objectively non true about accounting. There are lots is opening in the field with not nearly enough new CPAs. Yes, the big big money is at the big 4. But a mid-sized regional firm provides lots of opportunities and a good living.

      3. Really solid advice

   10. Not exactly an answer to your question, but I have a family member with a similar situation, but just one college kid. College kid applied to many colleges in her state, both private and public, and went to the one where she received the best financial aid package, which happened to be a full merit scholarship to a satellite state school.

       My mom is college kid’s great aunt and made it clear while family member was still in high school that she didn’t want to co-sign any loans or pay tuition. My parents have helped college kid out with things the scholarship doesn’t necessarily cover–new iPhone for high school graduation, furnishing her dorm, a laptop when the old one died, and, before her junior year, a used car which they’ve agreed to cover insurance and maintenance on until 1 year after graduation. I think they may have given her money for a deposit on an apartment after the school changed its policy and forced seniors off campus. Her scholarship will give her a stipend for housing, but not until it’s disbursed in the fall, and she needed money for a deposit back in January.

       College kid works during the summer. She hasn’t worked during the school year. That makes a certain amount of sense because she has to maintain a pretty high GPA to maintain her scholarship, and my understanding is that she has to work pretty hard to keep her grades up. I think she should work her senior year after her last scholarship funds are disbursed, both for the experience and so she doesn’t have to move home after college.

       1. You make a good point about satellite state schools. In my state, your degree just says the name of the university – it does not mention the campus so it does look like you went to a better university than you did. This can be very helpful – Penn State Altoona is not opening doors that Penn State main campus is. Likewise, you can usually transfer to main campus after 2 years which also helps.

       2. This sounds familiar, down to the needing a deposit for housing way before funds are disbursed. And everything requires a computer and/or a phone for two-factor authentication. People are just supposed to be able to have those funds handy or use the Bank of Mom and Dad.

          Foster kids are extra hosed by all this. They may be totally needy, but the timing mismatch and not being in-the-know make it so hard for them (everyone really — what if your parents don’t speak English and/or work in the informal economy — what do on earth do non-vanilla people do? Their options are likely both bad and financially costly, especially in terms of lost opportunities.]

          1. If you’re not in the know, you need to do a lot of research to become educated on the topic, like today’s OP is doing. Lots of people were told “college is your golden ticket” without understanding nuance and now have unmanageable loans for their humanities degree and no plan. Nothing against humanities degrees – my second major was history and my minor was French; there’s absolutely value in them but you need a plan and probably a backup too. If you’re first gen college, you probably dont realize that not all colleges are created equal or that not all majors are created equal either.

          2. Yes, this family member is legally independent, same as if she came out of the foster system. Her grandmother (my mom’s sister) was her legal guardian until she was 18. Her grandmother’s house is still “home” for purposes of holidays and summer breaks, but grandmother is retired and disabled and can’t really afford some of this stuff. On the one hand, the legally independent status is beneficial because college kid doesn’t need her parent to fill out the FAFSA, and they’ve literally been no contact since she was 15. (She has a merit scholarship but uses financial aid for living expenses, books, etc.) On the other hand, every semester, I get calls about how to fill out forms, eligibility for Medicaid, etc.

       3. This comment kind of made me reflect on how much nondiscretionary spending is now the case in our lives. When I went to college, you didn’t need a phone plan or phone unless you wanted to call somebody long-distance and you could kind of titrate that up or down. Meals were covered by your meal plan. Your dorm set up was probably $300 worth of stuff if you were being fancy.

          1. When I was in college my computer broke and I couldn’t afford to replace it until the summer, so I relied on the computers in the library and computer lab. I had a flip phone for texting/calling and an iPod touch which I could use for apps which I could use all over campus due to the free wifi. My dorm was decorated from Walmart for a few hundred dollars – you don’t need too too much (bedding, toiletries, maybe a desk lamp). I ate off the meal plan.

             I eventually got a new computer and an iPhone and it was great and definitely made life way, way easier but you can get by without these things if you need to.

             FWIW, this was less than 10 years ago.

          2. I graduated 2013 and even then meal plan was way more expensive than what I would otherwise spend.

   11. What do these kids want to do in life? I’m asking because unless they have Bug Career Aspirations, this level of loan/debt seems wildly unnecessary. I live in a wealthy suburb of Boston and there are tons of people in my $$MM neighborhood who went to state school. It’s fine! Also, take a year and work. Or go to trade school for a bit. Yes, you can go to private college but here are so many other choices. This whole premise seems nuts to me.

       My 19 year old nephew went to welding school for 9 months after high school. He got a job the December after he graduated high school with a reputable fabricator and makes $55k/year in the south. He’s saving up to potentially go to college one day, if he changes his mind on his career, but if not, he’ll buy a house. Welding school cost $10k.

       1. State schools are pretty expensive these days and harder to get into. I’m in CT, and UConn is $40K for in-state students; I also know some pretty impressive students who didn’t even get in! I know there are a variety of state school levels (the directional schools, all the SUNYs if you’re in NY, etc) but in many cases state schools are less generous with aid than private schools. There was a time when “just go to a state school” was a viable and affordable option for most people, but that time has passed

          1. This makes me so happy to live in a state with good in-state options and a generous lottery-funded scholarship program.

             1. Yeah I live in Indiana and I think our college options are basically the best thing about living here. Our top state schools have tuition under $10k/year and are very respectable schools that set their graduates up well for career success but aren’t that hard to get into. I have a bunch of close friends in California endlessly stressed about college because the UCs and even some of the Cal States are so competitive, and I’m so glad I don’t have to go through that.

          2. Your point is fair but just looking apples to apples, tuition itself is $17k at UConn which looks comparable to the 5 state schools I just googled. All in with housing and food and fees is $40k.

             Uconn Stamford is $17k for tuition and often kids that go there commute.

             Central Connecticut, also a state school, is $13k per year (no room and board).

             Idk what it’s like in other states but UConn’s tuition isn’t bad- just the board.

4. Low stakes Friday question, what are your favourite perfumes? I tend to be loyal and stick to one “signature scent” for years, but mine was discontinued so I’m looking for a new one. I like white florals in particular (lily, lily of the valley, jasmine, gardenia).

   1. Try Jo Malone!

      1. I like some of their scents but they never last on me!

         1. They’re eau de cologne concentration. You can apply more to get a higher concentration but there’s also the matter of top, heart, and base notes. Top notes like citruses evaporate the fastest, whereas base notes like woods and musks are larger molecules that take longer to evaporate.

            Jo Malone makes an intense line that will last longer, but tends not to be the light floral scents of her other eau de colognes.

            Have you checked out the Gucci Flora series? They have different flankers that emphasize different white florals – Jasmine, gardenia, etc.

            Le Labo Lys 41 is a lovely white floral.

            To answer your question, I do not have a single favorite fragrance! I wear a lot of different fragrances, including my own, as an amateur perfumer.

            1. I adore Lys 41 but it’s so expensive!!

            2. I’m sorry to tell you this but good fragrance is expensive! Try the Gucci.

         2. If you like one that has a soap or lotion, layering works. In fact, I’ve tried three of the lotions or body creams and they are too strong for me. I tend to cut them about half and half with unscented lotion as I apply.

            1. It’s true. Lotions and creams work because they adhere molecules to the skin in oil, making it harder for the notes to evaporate as quickly. You can accomplish this to some degree by applying your fragrance to freshly moisturized skin. (Amateur perfumer here again)

   2. Me too. I did Coco Madamoiselle for years. Gosh I was in love with TM Angel before that. I prefer sweet. I went through a Balenciaga phase. I don’t have a current favorite right now so I’m interested in what others respond too.

   3. I have similar fragrance preferences. Last year I bought a Tocca sampler set of mini-vials and it continues to delight me. I thought I’d find a favorite and just buy a bottle, but turns out I really like them all.

      1. Love Tocca also!

   4. I’ve been loving You or Someone Like You from Etat Libre d’Orange. I get headaches from a lot of fragrances but this is so fresh and clean, not heavy at all. I would call it a little citrus/fruity and green. Obsessed!

   5. Caveat: I dislike perfume in general, am sensitive to scents and try not to inflict my own on others. But for special occasions (fancy date night with my spouse, etc.) I do like a little scent.

      Back in middle school (mid 90s) I stumbled across a little sample tube of Davidoff Cool Water Woman and even if it isn’t fancy, something about it still strikes me as perfectly balanced for my personal preference. I later found another mini sample bottle of it and that’s will what I wear on the rare occasions that I go with a scent.

   6. Acqua di Parma, Colonia

      1. Old school! My husband wears that and 4711. :)

   7. Bond No. 9 Central Park West. It’s definitely expensive, but lasts a lot longer on me than most perfumes.

   8. Aerin’s Mediterranean Honeysuckle is my absolute favorite. It’s pricey though! I’m currently using some random cheapie from Marshall’s and it’s pretty good for &12.99! It smells like the Volcano candles from Anthropologie.

      1. I genuinely did not need to know Aerin existed. My wallet may never recover.

         1. Aerin is very Jo Malone adjacent. Which I mean as a good thing. Estée Lauder owns both, but then again, Estee Lauder and LVMH own everything.

      2. https://www.fragrancenet.com/perfume/annick-goutal/le-chevrefeuille/edt

         This is the best honeysuckle. Fragrancenet is a legit site.

   9. Miss Dior is my favorite right now.

   10. You might like Creed’s Love in White or Spring Flowers perfumes. White florals and staying power. For $65 from Creed you can get the “Women’s Inspiration Sample Set” which contains both of those and three others, plus you can choose two samples at checkout. B

   11. Missing Person. Got a sample, thought it was weird at first. I love the way it smells on my clothes when I rewear something.

       Bath and Body works Butterfly body spray with the Jo Malone perfume that has Lime in it.

       Jennifer Anniston had a white floral perfume years ago that I loved but cant find anymore.

   12. spend some money (it will feel like an ungodly sum) for some of the discovery sets for really good perfumes like ds durga or penhaligons — they’re really lovely. i was looking for a signature scent too but am happy to toggle between like 5 i really like.

       1. This thread made me buy 3 penhaligons sets and an aerin set to try. I’m very excited! I’m the Acqua di Parma poster and never branch out, but the Aeron honey suckle recommendation reminded me of a scent I used to love by Kate Spade (love?) that went away. I also liked the poster recommendation for Davidoff Cool Water. That one never gets old.

   13. When my signature scent (Obsession) was discontinued, I bought up all the bottles I could find, so I still have a stash. I worried they would go off as they got older, but so far they are still good.

       I probably have enough for another 5-10 years, and if I am lucky, it may get a revival before I run out – considering the length of the trend cycles these days:-)

       1. Keep them in a drawer or dark closet away from heat sources in their boxes. They will last longer this way. Only have one going at a time because you introduce air when you spray.

   14. A 90s classic I’ve really been enjoying lately is Tommy Girl. A watery tea floral. Available cheaply because it’s not the hot new thing. I think I paid $30something for a full size bottle.

       Chloe is a rose floral but a good one. Maybe too ubiquitous but I think the Rose Tangerine flanker is a really good one.

       I’ve been wearing the heck out of my Guerlain Aqua Allegorias lately. Pampelune is my favorite for a hot day, and that’s another you can get cheaply because it’s an older issue. My recent favorite is Forte Bosca Vanilla, which is an airy, non-cloying orange vanilla. I also love Mandarine Basillic and Nerolia Vetiver from the Aqua Allegoria line.

       I love the Hermes Jardin fragrances for the summer. Un Jardin sur le Nil and Un Jardin sur le Toit are my two in current rotation.

       A little harder to find but Goutal Paris Un Matin d’Orage (the EDP) and Le Chevrefuille are both gorgeous white florals.

       My two favorite Jo Malones for summer are Poppy & Barley and Star Magnolia. I also love Blackberry & Bay.

       Van Cleef & Arpels California Reverie is a gorgeous Jasmine beeswax kind of thing that is very summery.

       1. I used to wear more complicated fragrances and had a small collection of them for variety, but a few years ago I bought a bottle of Guerlain Acqua Allegoria in Pamplelune. I never formally decided this was now my favorite, and I still buy samplers of new-to-me stuff for fun, but the other bottles have literally been gathering dust since then.

5. I’m having a rough mental health stretch with high anxiety. Main trigger has been an overly hectic schedule and some work projects with high expectations and low (personal) payoff. I would like to use the weekend to start getting back on track. Wallowing on the couch is not going to be the answer but I also don’t have a ton of physical or mental energy for a big outing. Any ideas?

   1. Get outside, somewhere warm a few trees.

      1. +1 Agreed. If my energy level is super low, sometimes for me this looks like getting coffee at a coffeeshop with a patio and sitting on their patio for a while with a book.

   2. Meal prep for the week, do all your laundry and put it away, clean your kitchen, bathrooms, and living room. Do a 20- minute workout from YouTube both days. You’ll feel much better facing the new week when your meals are made and your house is clean.

      1. +1 this! Clean eating makes such a huge difference. Maybe try to get to a yoga class or take a walk at a nice park too. Honor your preferences, if you want to go out, go out. If you’re only going out as a distraction, then stay in.

   3. Don’t do chores or meal prep or organize a closet. Get outside in nature, ideally somewhere with green trees and water (or mountains). Do a mild/moderate hike or bike ride.

      1. +1
         This.

         You need a re-boot.

         In fact, get outside a take a walk right now.

   4. Find an outdoor pool. Sit by the outdoor pool. Do not touch your phone. Read a trashy book you loved in high school or your early 20s and zone out. If you get hot, get in the outdoor pool and swim around a bit.

      (I know there are services where you can get a day pass to a hotel’s pools, and those come with the side benefit of a pool that has drink and food service. That would be fun, but I’ve done the above at my community pool many times and it is always a surprisingly good mental reset).

   5. Take a long walk early in the day you want to get stuff done. It will help reset your brain from the wallowing implulse and lower your stress levels.

   6. I second the all suggestions for being in nature. But if for any reason that’s not realistic for you this weekend, I’d still encourage you to find an outdoor place to spend some time and slow down – whether a summer concert, a coffee shop patio, a swimming pool, a botanical garden. It kind of depends whether you think being around people will give you energy or make you feel more anxious. If the latter, maybe worth a bit more effort to get to a more quiet nature place.

6. 10 years ago, I had a roommate (friend of a friend) who was a very nice, kind woman but a bad match for me at the time. I was going through a lot of stress and just wanted to compress and be left alone, whereas she really wanted to connect, be close friends, and talk every night when we came home from work.

   I (not very maturely) hid in my room to avoid her, was borderline unfriendly, and eventually asked her to move out of my apartment and find a new place to live. It’s hard to describe how hurt she was by this…many tears were shed. I look back now and wish I’d been gentler on her (she was going through a difficult time as well) but I couldn’t deal with what I perceived as her neediness and wanted personal space, not a bestie. We’ve had no contact since then and I grew apart from the friend who introduced us (maybe even because of this incident, not sure).

   I just saw online through our mutual friend that ex-roommate has a fundraising page to support a significant personal achievement (similar to raising money to afford to compete in the Olympics).

   Part of me wants to contribute to wish her well and pseudo-apologize for my part in her pain. Another part is like, she thought I was so mean and cold and was so upset…I should not reintrude on her consciousness, even though it was so long ago!

   Thoughts? In case it’s not clear, I would not be wanting to reach out or contact her further, just dropping some $ to help her with her goal.

   1. No, I wouldn’t do it. She’s probably happy to never hear from you again.

      1. Agree with this. You did what you did, there’s no undoing it by making a donation to her now. Just move on. I’m sure she’d prefer that.

   2. If you really want to do it because you want to help her, just do it anonymously.

      1. +1

   3. I don’t know, I’d consider donating and saying something like, Hey, I’m sorry I was so mean to you X years ago. I was going through a hard time, but that’s no excuse. And please understand you are under no obligation to contact me, I just wanted to support your effort.

      Or you could just donate anonymously. Maybe that would be better. Sending something good out into the universe without expecting to be acknowledged for it.

      1. Your wording is lovely and I think this is a nice way for OP to find some closure, or possibly to reopen communication if the other person reciprocates interest without being demanding of them.

         1. Do you not see how one-sided this is? OP wants to do it to make herself feel better. The other party here has moved on and no good will come to her from OP reopening old wounds. It’s such a selfish move on OP’s part.

            1. I disagree. I don’t think it’s ever bad to try to make amends and apologize. I think the suggested wording here is lovely. The former friend doesn’t need to reengage but she gets to know OP felt bad and get some context for that time period. It’s not just for the OP.

            2. Meh, this isn’t a bad romantic breakup trying to come back to life or an assault perpetrator trying to reach out to their former target or anything at that level. It sounds instead like both of them were immature and handled things poorly a decade ago.

               I don’t think the OP has any particular social or moral obligation to avoid the old roommate based on the description here, and neither do I think the old roommate needs to be protected from experiencing feelings about that decade-old event, even if the feelings are uncomfortable. And who knows? Maybe that roommate herself will find some peace in knowing the OP regrets the way things played out and wishes them well now.

            3. OP is allowed to feel better! OP does not have to carry their angst around forever in order to avoid reopening old wounds for their ex-roommate. You can even think it is selfish, but that’s a you issue and not an objectively universal one that the OP needs to navigate.

            4. If OP doesn’t want to carry her angst around forever, it’s on her to drop it. It’s not ok for her to burden former roommate to fix it for her. That’s inherently selfish.

            5. + a million. This is selfish. You are just trying to lessen your guilty conscience at her expense. Just leave the poor woman alone.

         2. If I were the former roommate, I’d be pleased to get a donation with the wording above.

            1. But you’re not. You wouldn’t have been as hurt as former roommate was by OP not wanting to be her friend. I don’t see any reason for OP to contact former roommate except to make OP feel better about herself.

            2. And how exactly do you know that SA wouldn’t have been as hurt?

            3. Heh believe it or not I was quite sensitive back in the day (and still am!). At my advanced age I believe in making amends and this is what OP is proposing. My mantra is “presume good intentions” and that is what I would do in the roommate’s place. Obviously we can’t know what’s in the roommate’s head but I would err on the side of making amends. Everyone is different but that’s my two cents.

               And also I think it’s okay for people to want to make amends even if part of the motivation is to feel better.

            4. +1 million to err on the side of making amends. It’s a weird gen z thing to see that as problematic.

   4. I would contribute as anonymously as possible and consider it a payment on future karma.

      1. I believe this is the way to go. You cheer her up without bringing back bad memories.

         1. Agree, this is probably the gentlest least drama approach

   5. I would not mind receiving an apology from someone who hurt me in my younger years, but I think it would be weird to receive it in this context. Can you separate the two? Donate anonymously, and *also* reach out with an apology and say you were thinking about her, wanted to apologize for how cold you were back then, and wish her well. I’d include in that note “No obligation to respond — I know it was a painful experience” or something similar.

      If you don’t want to reach out with a note like that, I would not contribute at all just so my name didn’t inadvertently show up on the donor list. (I would still contribute anonymously if this were a medical need or something similar, but this sounds more like fundraising for a want not a need).

      1. I agree with this.

      2. +1

   6. Honestly I’m not seeing that you are actually at fault/did something so terrible 10 years ago, unless you asked her to move out on an unrealistic timeline or otherwise broke your lease or agreement with her? And 10 years is a LONG time for maturing, especially if you all were roommates when you were younger, like 20 somethings? I think if I were her, I’d rather something much more casual & focused on my accomplishment than an apology: maybe just a “congrats! what an awesome accomplishment! so cool to see what you’re up to!”

      1. Thanks everyone for the advice.

         Yes, it was a long time ago and I hope it is water under the bridge for her. She just had a very, very strong reaction at the time and I felt bad for how I made her feel, even though in the moment I thought I was 100% in the right.

         I did not treat her awfully in any of the ways you mention…but if I could advise my younger self I’d say to give her grace, she was in a new city/recent breakup/etc, and if I needed space I should use my words and say so instead of running to hide in my room when I heard her key in the lock (facepalm).

      2. Yeh I don’t see that you were so terrible to her – you were just mismatched on roommate expectations, which happens a lot. Asking her to move out is not ideal, but not some great crime.

         1. Not so great in a tough housing market to kick someone out mid-lease and make them find a new roommate & new housing!

   7. I’d donate anonymously.

   8. Omg no do not pop back into her life! This is like an exboyfriend finding you on linked in. Just leave her alone and wish her well silently.

      1. +1

         It’s best to let go of the shame that popped up without involving her. This is about your feelings, don’t remind her of bad times.

   9. I wouldn’t re-enter her life – you treated her badly and it’s probably painful to think of. Donate anonymously if you want to.

      1. TBF, it sounds like the roommate treated OP badly, too. Why would they think they were entitled to so much attention, time and energy from a roommate and be unable to use their words to talk through problems before things got so smothery that the OP kicked them out?

         1. Ok but the question is what to do now. I can’t see anything reasonable except leave it alone.

         2. That isn’t what was described. The roommate behaved normally and was friendly and pleasant. OP couldn’t handle that due to personal issues and was unfriendly to her and asked her to leave. This isn’t a both sides issue.

            1. Your scenario is also not what was described. OP isn’t didn’t paint herself as an unreasonable monster, nor is she pretending the roommate was a saint. They both sound like they were unsure about how to be mature adults ten years ago, there were hurt feelings, and now they’ve both grown up a bit. It’s not awful if OP wants reach out and admit that she didn’t handle it as well as she could have, apologize, and wish the roommate well.

            2. Who said “monster?” OP herself said she was unfriendly. You don’t have to agree with every opinion that is posted here.

            3. Only yours, eh?

   10. Wow I’m surprised by this.

       Apologies and mending burnt bridges almost never is the wrong approach.

       I don’t think what you did to her was so horrible that she never wants to hear from you again? People seem to be way, way overreacting here.

       1. I don’t know the right answer here. But I think sometimes people do appreciate an acknowledgment that “it wasn’t you, it was me” if they’re took something hard.

       2. Sounds like OP was rude to her roommate but I don’t get why everyone’s acting like what she said and did was so awful that she should never contact the roommate again?

   11. Don’t “pseudo-apologize” to anyone. Give her money if you like, but don’t put the burden of forgiveness and understanding on her.

7. Canada vs US to raise a family. DH and I have been on the fence for years about moving, basically since having kids. I grew up in Canada and my parents are there. He grew up in the US and his family is here. We currently live near his family. We are not driving distance to mine, it’s a day long affair involving a flight and 6 hrs of driving generally. Neither sets of grandparents is particularly helpful with kids, but they all enjoy the grandkids. Our kids are elementary age and we are thinking of moving to Canada. I hesitate because I left before the 08 crash and even before that the economy was so lethargic. The economy where we are in the US has been great. That said, we have been challenged to find schools as good as what I experienced in Canada, and healthcare (thought I understand there are shortages everywhere). I work remote for an international company and they would likely transfer me to Canadian payroll at the same salary, no conversion. DH would be stuck finding new employment which he is not particularly keen on, but is open to. Anyone have perspective to share? I am more interested in your more recent experience on quality of family life between the 2 countries versus mechanics of a move.

   1. I would move to Canada in a heartbeat if it was an option for me.

      1. Isn’t Canadian city housing $$$ so you’d need much more salary there?

         1. I’m not in a big city in the US, and wouldn’t move to a big city in Canada, personally. I’m not a city person.
            I thought Toronto was more affordable than many big US cities though. The reference below to $800k houses makes it sound like what I would call a MCOL in the US. In HCOL US cities you typically can’t get a fever home under $1M.

            1. *decent home! Lol

            2. Toronto is extremely expensive. A tear down can cost over a million.

         2. Not that bad outside of Vancouver or Toronto and even in those cities it’s relative.

            Not US VHCOL city numbers.

   2. Wouldn’t a great deal of this be very much how you experience your community in the US versus your community in Canada, rather than “Canada as a whole vs. US as a whole”? It sounds as if you really like your quality of life wherever you are in the US, compared to the potential for it wherever you would be in Canada.

   3. Well, as a Canadian I’ll say our healthcare system is absolutely falling apart and if you’re thinking of moving to Ontario, be warned that Doug Ford is ruining the province. There is zero affordable housing and a house (a normal, unfancy house in an unfancy area) can cost upwards of $800k. Cost of living is very high. We’re also likely to get a new conservative Prime Minister who is basically Trump Lite. So, things are not great here.

      I’d still rather be Canadian than American in a heartbeat though.

      1. Yes it would be Ontario. Thank you for the warning, I completely forgot about Doug Ford. Ugh!

         1. I also forgot to mention food prices. FOOD IS SO EXPENSIVE HERE!! Look up the Loblaws boycott. They have a monopoly on grocery stores and as a result my food costs have doubled in the last couple years. Even with the dollar difference, food is cheaper in the US.

            If you have money, you’ll be fine. But yeesh this country is expensive.

            1. It is expensive everywhere…

      2. I’d worry that in Canada, the housing I could afford would province me out of any good school options. It seems shockingly unaffordable in the major cities and unaffordable in Vancouver.

   4. I would only consider moving to Canada if that means moving close to your family. So narrow it down. The question isn’t all of the US versus all of Canada, it’s where you live now (ish) versus near-ish your family.

      1. I was going to say the opposite. If the area near your parents isn’t to your liking, you have a whole country to consider.

         1. Yeah I’m not really sure what the point of moving near family is, if the family is going to be uninvolved.

      2. OP here. That is right. It’s not all Canada or US. It would be living near my family in Ontario, or staying near his family in the south US. I’m interested in comparisons and others experience of general quality of life fully recognizing that it cannot be apples to apples and personal factors apply.

   5. It’s going to vary a lot by industry but the economy is a lot smaller, and opportunities in some specific fields are going to be a lot less, and your spouse leaving a job he likes with nothing lined up feels like a big deal. Can he spend some time looking at specific jobs, talking with ppl in his network to see what the market is really like?

      1. +1. I think this depends a lot on your husband’s job.

         Tbh, based on what you wrote in your original post, I would stay put where you are in the US. It seems like you are relatively happy in your current city, so I would only move to Canada if you had a really pressing reason to move.

   6. I’m also a Canadian living in the US. I found it difficult to adjust at first, but the longer I stay the more I see certain upsides of living here. Depending on how important money is, I think it’s almost guaranteed that you’re going to have higher incomes in the US (thinking of your DH, if you’re salary is not going to change). I’m still blown away by just how much money there is in the States compared to Canada, where there is really a much more significant share of the population who are truly “middle class”. On healthcare, I feel really fortunate to be in the US when I hear stores from family/friends back home, especially with young kids who need urgent care much more frequently. On schools, it really depends on your area in the US, but on this too I don’t think Canadian public schools are of the same quality they were when we were young. There just isn’t enough resources being dedicated to education to maintain the same standards. All that said, I miss the a lot of things about Canada – not the least of which include the politics, less focus on money/material things, generally more relaxed view on life, etc.

      1. It’s this last part of what you said, and obviously family that would be what would pull us back to Canada. The part of the US that I’ve had such a hard time adapting to has been the concern over status symbols/materialism where I am in the US (perhaps it’s where I am- large metro in the south). I’ve had a difficult time adapting to the education standards in kids schools as well. I felt like where I was in Canada was a more holistic education (though I also heard as you mentioned the schools are not what they used to be) and where I am now in the US is very standard-test driven.

   7. Where in Canada and what field is your DH in?

      Ottawa is great. I’d also live in Kingston or Halifax in a heartbeat. Further east is a more rural vibe but super safe. My sister lives in Calgary which definitely has a more American vibe if your DH is looking for that. Neighbours across the street recently moved to Winnipeg and they love it there.

      1. OP here- Southwestern Ontario. DH actually works in affordable housing, obviously on the US side. He is very good at what he does. He came from the commercial world and is blown away by the amount of waste in the public sector. He works hard to build efficiency into his operations and instill a mindset in his team that any waste is just hurting our own (taxpayers) wallets. He has a heart for public service.

         1. Great, just what the public sector needs, more finance bros coming in who think government needs to be run like a business.

         2. Have a look at the CMHC website – they are hiring a lot of people in the housing area both build side and finance side. Even when provincial or municipal govt are running the builds, CMHC is often involved in funding for the feds.

            Housing is a hot area here on a few different fronts. He should get up to speed on Indigenous housing issues as well because that is another big priority area. National Housing Strategy is available online and I assume Ontario has some type of similar document.

            Canada Lands Company is the company responsible for selling off federal lands and they are focusing on housing development as well. Eg – I recently did a deal where CMHC lent money to a non- profit housing agency to buy land from CLC to build low income housing for senior age women.

            1. Thank you for this great lead!

   8. (Former) American living in Toronto, albeit without kids.

      You are being very vague about where you would live. Southestern Ontario – like, where? London? Niagara? Waterloo? Toronto?

      Some things will be much more expensive in Canada, some much cheaper. E.g. I pay nothing for outstanding extended healthcare benefits which entitles me to many things, such as unlimited massages for funsies. However, my salary is lower than in the US. Housing can go either way depending on your starting location. I’d note that “rural” housing in southwestern Ontario can be significantly more expensive than rural housing in the states.

      $10 a day childcare is now getting reasonably common if you have kids in that demographic. Long, paid mat/pat leaves are common if you plan to have more kids. Uh….there is the child tax credit that I think is pretty significant?

      Most schools here are good (enough). Way less disparity between the best and worst.

      Uhhhhh….university will be much cheaper, on average.

      Really, I’d pull up realtor.ca, get some house prices, and talk to your parents and maybe some of their younger friends about current cost of living.

   9. So I’m an American and obviously v. v. jealous about a lot of things in Canada, but watching many people go through cancer treatment on the sidelines in America and Canada, I would be very nervous about the Canadian health system if I were to get very sick. Everything seems so, so much slower in Canada, leading to health issues getting much worse before treatment can be started. And with cancer, there are way fewer approved lines of treatment. I know as an American, our healthcare system is broken. But I don’t think Canada’s seems much better.

   10. My husband is Canadian, and I am American. We have chosen to live in the states. First of all, we ran the numbers and found we would have to double our household income to maintain the same standard of living in Canada (taking into account higher costs for some items and our tax burden). That wasn’t realistic for us. Second, the shortcomings of the Ontario health system are appalling. Our family and friends have endless stories of delayed tests and imaging, sometimes with negative consequences. “Urgent” scans are scheduled three months out. It’s bad enough now that we are slightly uneasy traveling to Ontario because my husband and children have some health concerns, and we are worried about bad outcomes if we had an unexpected health emergency there. This is the real reason we don’t live in Canada. My husband says he’d be dead if he hadn’t moved away in his 20s, and that is not an exaggeration, given his health history. I’m not saying the US healthcare system is not flawed. But it works much better for our (insured) family than OHIP.

8. I’m so glad about this BN Factory post. I haven’t shopped there in ages and it looks like there are a lot of other items I like. There was a time where I felt everything they had was a bad cut for me, but it looks like there is a much better selection and the fit/style has changed from a few years ago.

   1. If I were still working I would order this skirt in a red hot second. I’ve been generally happy with my BR Factory purchases over the years.

9. The answer is “talk to your lawyer”, but for those of us non lawyers who went through divorce and custody negotiation, sometimes it’s hard to know when to go through official channels. So I appreciate lawyerly or internet strangerly gut checks here before i find counsel.

   My exH and I share 50-50 custody of our 12yo. I believe it’s in child’s interest to have both parents active in his life. Our visitation schedule is formalized in the decree and based around exH’s job rotational schedule (EMS). It has resulted in a lot of extra gyrations of my own schedule, snd expense, particularly when child was of childcare age. ExH recently accepted a new job that had overnight shifts at the EMS, causing him to need a change in the visitation schedule. His new schedule will break up weekends, rotates on an irregular basis, and results in some transfers of child at late or very early hours. I want to be accommodating, but this schedule is nuts for a 12yo and selfishly, it’s really disruptive to the routine my household has established over the last 6yrs post-divorce. Am I being too self-centered in wanting to oppose this change in schedule? ExH did not consult with me before taking new job; the job change prompted by his dislike of his commute in traffic, not other extenuating circumstance. I don’t want to live a fireman’s shift schedule, and i think I’m going to reject his request and seek to modify the visitation that will work for me, my home, and most importantly my school aged child. Im conflict averse. Will i regret seeking legal counsel and pursuing a modification to custody that will result in what will likely be less than 50-50?

   1. Your ex is making choices that very clearly do not prioritize your kid. Which he’s allowed to do as a grown adult, but he’ll also have to accept the consequences. I think you would regret not trying to push back on this.

   2. If the schedule is truly nuts for your kid, and it sounds like it is, then I don’t think you’re wrong in seeking something different than straight 50-50. Your ex doesn’t get to unilaterally decide the schedule without having a conversation first.

   3. I would do two things: not accept the schedule as dictated to you, AND be prepared to compromise on “the routine your household has established.” Jobs and circumstances change and it’s reasonable to change the custody terms in a way that works for both parents.

      1. Agree with this. And before going to court I’d consider trying to mediate the dispute if you think ex would be at all reasonable.

         1. But lawyer up even for the mediation.

            1. Divorced mom here, and this is what I would do. I do think this is worth fighting for. Also, you kid is approaching the age when they have more say in how they spend their time, but I wouldn’t want to force kid to have that responsibility if I knew it would be hard for them and potentially damage their relationship with either parent.

   4. Definitely investigate and push back on this. I modified our schedule to accommodate the kids, as it was so disruptive to shuttle and remember where stuff was. My ex was very acceptable to the alteration as it served the kids better. Hoping your ex is the same.

      1. Agree. Focusing on what’s least disruptive for the kid is the way to go into this.

   5. I would probably do a shadow counsel approach — retain a lawyer, talk to the lawyer about what you’re hoping to accomplish, and have the lawyer coach you on how to interact with your ex. That way, if your ex does not respond constructively to your initial outreaches, you will have avoided saying anything that could harm your ultimate opposition to his petition for a change to the decree, but you will not have Lawyered Up right from the start (which can make people unreasonable/dig in their heels). I am not a divorce/custody lawyer, but my assumption is that the lawyer will coach you to make this about the disruptions to your child’s life, which sound significant.

      This assumes that your ex is the sort of person who is generally open to reason and compromise but just has not really thought the impact that this shift will have on your child. If your ex is a dig-in-his-heels-and-be-a-jerk-about-it guy, I’d just lawyer up from the start.

      1. This is the exact right approach.

   6. Would he accept an alternate schedule? Can you go back with a proposal that works for you but focuses on the kid? Late nights/early mornings would be the obvious problematic points. Like if he gets off work at 9pm on a Friday the transfer is 10am on Saturday not 10pm
      on Friday night.

      How irregular? A 3 week cycle or completely random?

   7. As a shift worker in a critical field: it’s really hard to work this schedule with kids, but these are important jobs that need to be done and if we all opted out, there wouldn’t be enough people to do them and everyone would be at risk.

      I would accept the schedule, except for the late night or early morning swaps – I would push to do them a day late or a day early.

      That being said, your child is old enough to be left alone – let’s say you need to do a 6am swap on a Saturday bc your ex has a 7am shift; could you just pick up your son at 9 am and have him be alone (and presumably asleep) for 3 hours?

      1. I disagree with this take. Yes, these jobs are important, but so is this 12-year-old kid’s wellbeing.

         1. I’m so sick and tired of people wanting to benefit off of these types of jobs existing while also totally ignoring , if not denigrating, the personal sacrifice that goes into having a job like this.

            Everyone should have to work a year or two in a critical but underfunded public sector or patient facing healthcare job.

            1. There are lots of jobs I would love to do but they do not pay enough for me to support my children. The day you become a parent to a child is the day you no longer come first and you go get a job that works for your children. Sadly courts are pandering to parents (mainly men) who do not put their children first. They need to grow up and find another job if there isn’t suitable childcare available.

               Plenty of people in healthcare roles have children but they have family, mainly grandparents, who live close to help them with childcare. If that isn’t the case I would assume they find a new job in healthcare with better hours or benefits, such as an overnight childcare facility.

            2. Absolutely agree. Sometimes these kinds of schedules take a bit more work. But this kind of work and the scheduling required will always need compromise on your end. Please reconsider being so rigid.

            3. Responding to Risked Credit—no. Some public safety and medical jobs require the job to be paramount. The kids are no doubt loved the hardest and the most, but the work goes into making a better world. That’s the reality of these kinds of jobs. It requires sacrifice by everyone involved. That’s why we revere the positions. It’s possible to be a great parent and a shift worker. Lots of people do an incredible job, but lots of support and understanding is required by the co-parent.

            4. Right – like the only firefighter jobs available are shift work. The type of shift depends on your department but if you are a firefighter you need to work shift work. In many cities, including mine, EMS is part of the fire department so if you want to work EMS you must work shift work.

               I’m sure everyone here enjoys having the availability of firefighters and EMS to do hard and dangerous jobs for them for frankly not enough pay, but no one wants to be flexible to work with people who have to work rotating shift work.

            5. Uh yeah you can be as flexible as possible, but when the job has set hours, there’s not much you can do to change that.

               I’ve been a public safety watch officer and dispatcher. It’s not glamorous and I have no control over my rotation (I work 3 13 shifts a week, rotating between nights and days every month. I work every other weekend and I work holidays if they’re my days on).

               Anyways, it’s a great gig as a parent because I have months where I only work at night and therefore I am around all day with my kids (sleep while they’re at school, But I can pick them up and have dinner with them and then go into work). When duty calls, duty calls and I have to work regardless of what I want to do.

            6. Wow, Risked Credit. Wow.

               I hope you never need any nighttime emergency care, whether it is medical, fire, police, utilities, or anything else.

               Maybe we should be teaching (and modeling for) our children that sometimes we have to sacrifice something for ourselves personally for the greater good.

            7. Are any of you guys recently divorced?

               I ask because what is happening is ridiculous. This is an example of it.

               Parents who have stayed home after children arrive are expected to go back to work and alimony is limited to 2-4 years in the majority of cases. This affects women 99% of the time. This man has already been accommodated and his schedule put ahead of the child’s needs, the OP made sacrifices both regarding her time with her child and the financial impact of this. He then goes and gets a different job without first discussing the proposed schedule change with the other people affected by his decision. Why do we allow the bar to be set so low?!?

               If you want do a healthcare role as a single parent you need to have childcare in place which is either paid childcare or a supportive family in terms of aunts, uncles and grandparents who can help with the childcare. Otherwise, get a job that allows for the child to have consistency and doesn’t put the other parent out.

               When women are held to the same standard as men, I’ll change my answer, but that isn’t the case and I don’t think it’s healthy for a child to not have a consistent schedule. Why is the mother expected to be the childcare for the child while he works and, to make it worse, this isn’t reciprocated or acknowledged for the mother.

               The day you bring a child into this world, it’s no longer about you. The child needs stability and consistency. Go do EMS work in 4-6 years when the child is 16-18. Until then, shift your career to fit in with the childcare you can afford and is aligned with what is available. Dont ask your ex wife to pick up your slack.

            8. Again, no risked credit. I’m no apologist for public safety and military personnel. I know the hero worship can be a bit much, but the time constraints they face are very very real.

               Divorced people no longer have to run their career moves by their co-parent unless they are moving out of the area. She may want this same flexibility one day. Single parents are allowed to be public safety personnel. They don’t have to give up this career just because they get a divorce. They just need a o work it out w the co-parent.

               Divorce is destabilizing, no two ways about it. The kid has to bear the brunt of a lot of adult decision making. That’s just how it goes. No twisting oneself into a pretzel to create a consistent homelife will change this.

            9. I don’t know you but what I sense is you are not a parent, not divorced and not a woman. Until you are in that role, or work extensively with those who are, I suggest you save your martyrdom for someone else. As a divorced mother, the system is heavily stacked against us and during the past 5 years it’s only gotten worse.

               You do realize that women who divorce with children are financially screwed when it comes to retirement because it’s mothers predominantly who step up and support the kids at the cost to their own future. I don’t see him willing to share his pension which, often with these roles, are quite generous to make up for the lower salary, but he has been quite happy to let his ex wife pay for childcare during her time with his child so she can accommodate his schedule. Let’s start holding men accountable. Women who are doctors and nurses don’t have accommodations made for them. What makes this guy think he is so special?

      2. This is a good example of where the kid needs to be engaged and both parents need to be flexible. My oldest would find this no big deal. Youngest kid would have been stressed by this (not the being alone but the getting breakfast and packing up overnight bag) so would have preferred to transfer the night before.

         OP and her ex may need to try a few options and see what works for their kid.

      3. Yeah, agreed. Why can’t the 12yo play anl more active role if the schedule doesn’t lineup exactly as needed. He should be able to be home alone for a bit.

   8. I would ask for week on week off. It is up to him to plan and pay for required childcare accordingly. Its ridiculous you are expected to accommodate this.

      I do not think its high conflict to say no to this, but I would base my reply around what is best for your child and suggest a regular schedule of every other week. You have a right to time with your child too and a weekly schedule allows for consistency for your child. If a parent has to work overnight they need to arrange childcare or get a bang nanny.

      I have handover Monday morning when the children are dropped off at school. Outside of term time, its drop off at 9am Monday morning each week. It is a simple schedule for the children to follow.

      1. OK, but what if instead of paying for an overnight nanny the father could work out and more flexible schedule with the mother and then put that money towards a 529 for college or something.

         1. Given the mother has carried the burden of childcare expense during her time in the past with zero consideration given by the father, the chances of this set up happening is equivalent to a rocking horse taking a dump.

            You don’t see clauses like that in child custody agreements because they are extremely hard to enforce. What’s fair is child support to be calculated and paid to the party earning less which should be enough to cover childcare. The fact that child support isn’t enough is another argument. Mothers suck it up all the time and are expected to make these ridiculously low child support payments work. It’s funny how some posters are thinking the OP should continue to make sacrifices for her ex husband while he does not reciprocate.

            1. Not sure any of this is true in this situation. Often pensions are negotiated during divorces. You are making a lot of generalizations.

10. Low stakes Friday comment- I love the Roomba and am glad I got it, wished I had got one sooner. But it’s like a naughty pet. No matter what, it finds the shoe lace, computer cord, toilet paper… and munches it. I do a quick tidy before it runs but probably once a week it finds something (usually left by a kid or an actual pet) and gets into it.

    1. We had to get cable ties going for most of our cords when we got a roomba. If there’s not a lot of slack, it will kind of try to munch it and move on. It caused us to tidy those cords up and it looks better now so I’m glad we did it.

       The shoelace is on you, unfortunately. We get everything that’s not furniture up off the floor before we run it, including shoes.

    2. Mine, too. It always finds the dark corners of my house and then bounces around there till I come and get it.

    3. Just wait until it finds some dog p00p and smears it all over the house. (Happened to me, although I still do love my Roomba.)

       1. Ha, I literally just almost made this exact comment, although my Roomba found something from the other end of an animal!

          1. Yeah I love my roombas, I have two!, but mine does not run unattended. I don’t use the scheduling option or start it remotely. I use it like a regular vacuum cleaner except I don’t have to personally push them around. I look around the room they’re going to clean, get everything up and out of their way, then let them do their thing.

    4. This may make you laugh. I have colleagues in Scandinavian countries with robot lawn mowers. I’ve been on calls with people who had to leave work to “rescue” their lawn mower because it escaped their yard. So hopefully it’s helpful Roomba stays inside your home.

       1. I’ve seen those all over my city.

          1. Haha. I have used my roomba to vacuum my front porch. I trust that it won’t fall down the steps and then head down the sidewalk, but you never know.

             1. That sounds like it would make a good children’s book! :)

       2. That did make me laugh! Thank you! I can only imagine the mower on the loose!

11. I was laid off at the end of April. I’ve been job searching regularly since then without much luck. Then this past week I ended up with multiple interviews.

    One of them was with a company that a former colleague referred me to and I had a second round interview this week. I really liked the people I interviewed with the job itself is something I would enjoy. I knew up front that it was a contract/consultant role but I didn’t know the name of the company or other details until the recruiter called the next day to provide the offer. The hourly rate is a dollar less than what I used to make, which is fine but the consulting company doesn’t provide benefits until 90 days and he said up front they’re very expensive and they don’t have any 401K option. I ended up accepting the offer on the phone and ended up doing some initial paperwork and background check.

    Even though I accepted the offer I had a couple of other interviews scheduled this week. One of them is for a role that would be more money than I used to make. They are both contract roles but they offer benefits and good 401K options.

    My start date with the company would be 7/29 but I haven’t seen any other communications about getting a work laptop, etc. And this would be a remote role.

    In hindsight, I should have asked for a couple of days to accept the offer but I was so excited to get an offer in the first place I didn’t really think of it.

    I don’t know if I’ll even get offers from these other two interviews so I think I’m just going to go with the role I’ve already accepted. It’s just frustrating when job searching trying to balance all these timelines and unknowns.

    1. If I were you I’d stay in touch with the other jobs and let them know you’ve received an offer so you’d like an udpate on their timing and next steps. That may give them a kick in the pants to move forward.
       It’s not great, but if you do receive a better offer from another firm I think it wouldn’t be a career killer to turn this role down before it starts. Ask a manager has recent columns on this and scripts to use.

       1. +1 The job market is so dynamic these days I think it’s very common to communicate about other opportunities and maybe change course if you need to. As a hiring manager for the past few years, I experienced this on the hiring side – it was the norm.
          And importantly, Congratulations on the new role (or potential roles if you pick an alternate)!

    2. If it’s a contract role, I’m sorry to tell you this – your wage should be higher to account for the fact that you’ll have to pay both the employee and employer side of payroll taxes.

12. Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. I just received an initial finding of a life changing diagnosis (early onset dementia, likely from a genetic mutation). I am seeing a specialist for a second opinion next week – the scans are clear but this doctor will likely have better insight into trials/medications.
    I am in pretty good health and I’m not seeing symptoms currently. I have two kids and this is one of my worst nightmares, all current research does suggest a severely shortened life span. Our wills, power of attorney and health care directives are in place. I have disability insurance and good healthcare. If anyone has been through this what would you do next?

    1. Find a really good therapist.

    2. I’m so sorry. I would make plans for the kind of care you’ll want – in-home with visiting caregivers, a senior living community with a memory care step-up option, etc. Find what you think you’ll be comfortable with and what your family will be able to handle. Hugs to you.

    3. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have not gone through something like this myself. The closest I have is that my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s about 10 yrs ago. The best 2 things he did were 1. get a second opinion (which you’re already doing)- it gave him the confidence to proceed with treatments without a nagging doubt that maybe it was something else. 2. take time to grieve. For him, this was a year long period where he spent a lot of time alone. He watched a lot of movies. He was angry, sad, down, there were ups and downs. By taking the time to grieve it gave him the right mindset to then go about making changes to his life to manage his condition.

    4. I am so sorry– I went through this with my FIL, and a friend recently also went through this with her mom. Each situation was handled really differently.

       — Spend time talking to family and friends about your diagnosis, once you feel comfortable doing so. My FIL did not want anyone to know about his diagnosis. He also asked my MIL and family not to talk about it. So, to hide the diagnosis, he gradually started declining any social invitation, which made him (and my MIL) really isolated and worsened his mental health. Once he and my MIL finally told their friends, many of their friends made time to spend with him every week while my MIL was working so that he wasn’t alone in the house, etc. In contract, my friend’s mom told family/friends immediately and generally had a support system in place that was able to spend time with her and assist the family.
       — Focus on hobbies or interests you enjoy. My friend’s mom was very passionate about gardening and was able to garden or be involved in her garden for most of her illness.
       — Treat any other health conditions you may have and focus on good nutrition/exercise. My FIL’s decline was exacerbated by an underlying dietary condition he had. We suspect he would have been able to stay at a higher level of health for longer had his diet been managed better.

    5. For your kids, could you write letters or make videos to them now telling them your childhood memories, what your pregnancy/birth experiences were like (especially if you have daughters), what you remember about meeting their father, all of that? Can you guys plan and go on some fun adventures and take lots of photos and videos?

       You say you’re asymptomatic now, and I hope it stays that way for a very long time — but I know I would feel a little bit of comfort knowing that I had a “vault” of that stuff for my kids to consult if they had questions about things that I could no longer remember. I’d also probably talk with a child therapist to see how to best frame this information for them / share the news in an age-appropriate way. And I’d want to understand whether the genetic mutation is heritable or not, and if it is, I’d *really* want to get an input from a child therapist on framing.

       I’m really sorry. I hope you feel surrounded by love, and I’m really glad you have good medical care, insurance, and your paperwork all handled already.

    6. If you can get long term care insurance via your employer or another group that doesn’t require individual underwriting, that may be helpful.

       1. +1. Not going to happen if there’s a medical exam but if you can get it through work, do.

    7. As much long term care insurance as you can afford- dementia care is expensive, labor intensive and not going to be covered by health or disability insurance.

       1. This.

    8. Are you comfortable sharing the type of dementia? How early did it effect your family member?

       I ask because there can be a HUGE variability in how some of these inherited dementias move through the generations. And this is a fortunate time in medicine/neurology, as they are catching folks at risk early so we can think about possible interventions. There will be new treatments/interventions during our lifetimes. So if I were you, next I would locate the very very best places/doctors in the country that have Neurology departments with Centers for Dementia/Memory Disorders and go there, and find out about all appropriate testing/clinical trials/early interventions and sign up for them. If you post your disorder, I could look for you.

       I understand this is a lot to wrap your head around. I would also look for support groups in your area sponsored by the Alzheimer’s association or ask the Neurology clinic/Memory disorders clinic where you are if there is a contact/support group/peer volunteer that you could talk to for your disorder. Also look online for such groups and you will find other people exactly like you that will help to contact. I used to go to an Alzheimer’s support group for caregivers (and my father had a different type of dementia… it doesn’t have to be Alzheimer’s). There were several kids of folks with Alzheimer’s/dementias that were all worried about inheriting, but most didn’t know/hadn’t had any testing, and they were too overwhelmed with caregiving/life to think too deeply.

       You are incredibly organized already legally/insurance wise. Again, if it were me, I might be tempted to use this information to help guide my career path/retirement goals. For example, consider moving into a super secure job (government) that could provide great health insurance in retirement and earlier pensions, and if I found the perfect hospital/clinic of care for my disorder, I might move closer to there. But you want to balance that with living close to family/friends for support. And you may want to think about how to work financially towards early retirement.

       I suggest these things because I was diagnosed this year with a severe disorder that will be with my lifelong and will be life-limiting. These are the things I am doing. But it doesn’t have to be fast for you. At all. I am doing these things over years, and you can think about these things over DECADES. Because chances are still excellent that you may do much better with your problem much longer than you imagine. Every person is different. New treatments will be developed.

       And then….it is ok to just Live your Life! Thank goodness you have kids. They will distract you, keep you active and keep you moving forward.

       1. not the OP, but this is such a helpful response – sorry about both of your circumstances and thank you for sharing.

13. Hive, help Adult. I am a dog person. I had a dog growing up, DH and I had a dog before kids, and now…the kids want a dog. I want a dog! DH wants a dog! But it just seems like life is so much easier with no dog. Is this like having kids where there is no good time so just get the dog and do the things necessary?

    I think what’s making us a little gun-shy is that the dog DH and I had before kids was a Really Hard Dog. He was adopted as a 1-year old rescue, very fearful, food aggressive, and despite hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars of training, became people aggressive to the point we didn’t trust him around kids when we had them. We had to rehome him at age 8 which was heartbreaking for everyone (he went to live with a former neighbor who often dog sat for us and who recently lost her dog, and was equipped to deal with his aggression so it did work out from that standpoint). That whole mess was 10 years ago. Our kids are 6,9, 11.

    The other relevant factors are that we are finally in that sweet spot of being able to travel during school vacation with the kids, so adding a dog is another layer of pain in the butt (cost, planning, etc). Finally, one of our kids is mildly special needs and just takes up more mental space than your typical kid. But…there are plenty of families with a special ed kid and a dog so that’s really just another excuse.

    We should just get a dog, right? We can afford to board it/ get a dog sitter, it’s just a pain. We have money for training, it’s just a pain. We’d need to fence or something (e-fence?) our yard, but we can afford it. 2/3 of my kids can be trusted to walk the dog around the neighborhood.

    Honestly, my neighbor and I decided the ideal solution was a Dog Share. Why doesn’t this exist?!

    1. I used to talk about a dog share all the time! It would be the perfect solution.

       What we actually did was get a dog after the kids were in college and my husband retired. We probably could have handled it when the kids were teens but I had a travel heavy job and my husband had a butt in seat 8-5 kind of job. It never seemed fair to us to get a dog and leave it for 10 to 12 hours a day.

       I love having a dog now – and in fact, we have two from the same breed rescue now! – and am so glad we have them. But I’m glad in hindsight that we didn’t try to add it to our load back in the grind days.

    2. I feel the same way! We have a sort of “dog share” situation in that we dogsit for my mom when she’s out of town (which is around once per month). Her dog is very sweet and it lets me get my “dog fix”.

       Could fostering work for your family?

       1. OP here-No, fostering is all the hard work with none of the long term love!

    3. lol I love that, a dog share! Yes make that a thing!
       Perhaps get a dog, but try to get a more “low maintenance dog.” I’ve had 2 dogs. We have 3 kids like you. The dog brings an immense amount of joy to our family. Our dog is low maintenance, but Do Not mistake low maintenance for No Maintenance. Our dog was a rescue, we got him 6 mo old from rabies control. He is so easy going, best dog ever (retriever mutt). Our other dog who has since passed was adorable but so high maintenance (boston). Constant walking and interaction and attention grabby. Our current dog sheds a lot. Plus he is getting in in years, so now there are pain meds, dental health issues, special diets. I guess what I’m trying to say is if you get a dog, try to get one that is relatively low maintenance and even then you’ll find there’s still a lot to do but it will be manageable and not make you go insane.

    4. I’m in the same boat, I’m a dog person who really wants a dog but I’m choosing not to get one right now. I’m single and it’s a lot for one person.

       Get the dog, but do a ton of research into what breeds will work for your family and lifestyle.

       1. I know a lot of people say you *must* get a rescue dog but that isn’t the right choice for every family. Especially someone like you who’s choosing between a low maintenance dog or no dog at all. Research breeds that have lower exercise needs and are known for being friendly. If you pick a smaller dog you obviously still need to train them but it’s not a major safety issue if they jump or pull on their leash occasionally. You don’t have to be militant about training and reinforcement their whole life. Getting a puppy from a reputable breeder drastically reduces the chance that it has anxiety or aggression issues due to trauma. It’s also easier to find a sitter for a sweet, well behaved dog than a high maintenance one.

    5. If you travel frequently, I would really caution against adopting a dog, even a low maintenance one. Like you, we’re now in that sweet spot where our kids are old enough for big trips and we have the budget to do it frequently. After years of bouncing around from dog sitter to dog sitter and having to spend a lot of time scoping out a sitter for each trip, we finally find a reliable dog sitter who loves our dog and is never out of town herself, but 1) she’s super expensive, $75/night, so we spend thousands per year on dog-sitting and 2) she chain smokes and our dog comes home smelling awful and exposes all of us to thirdhand smoke. We’ve decided not to replace our elderly dog when she passes away, mainly because boarding her when we travel is so inconvenient and expensive.

       A cat might be a better option if you don’t have allergies (I do).

    6. There’s trade-offs. After our dog died in 2023 certain things were easier, particularly weekend trips and long days away from home.
       But I am SO happy that we adopted our current dog. About two weeks after he came home he cuddled up to me on the couch – I was so overwhelmed with joy that I cried. If you’re a dog person, you just … gotta have one, and you make it work.

    7. Dogs definitely make some parts of life harder but I wouldn’t trade my little guy for the world! Yes, traveling is a bit harder and more expensive, I spend 5x more on his grooming than my own hair, and once in awhile I’ll get no sleep if he gets a bug and has to go out several times overnight but he has overall made my life immeasurably better. I’m differently situated from you (single, no kids, live in an apartment) but having to get outside first thing every day, the unconditional love, and just having a buddy around has been an absolute gamechanger for my mental health and happiness (especially around the COVID times).

       Would also vote for a lower maintenance breed – maybe a golden/lab rescue? I also volunteer at a local shelter and some of the older pitties are total lovebugs/couch potatoes. A good shelter/rescue should be able to advise in detail on personality (especially if the pup was fostered in a home). In short I say go for it!! Love the idea of a dog share but I will say that my bff and I got dogs at the same time and our dog “parenting” styles definitely differ lol

    8. I think the lowest maintenance path of dog ownership is adopting an adult dog that is already in a home (either a foster home or a home from which it needs to be re-homed) and is known to be low energy, house trained, and generally well behaved and well socialized. In many areas of the country, shelters and rescues are overflowing and this will be easy to find. In other areas, you may have to wait, get lucky, or look outside of your geographical area. Most rescues will require a fenced yard( a physical fence—not an invisible fence), and the fence requirements will vary depending on the type of dog. For example, a husky may need a fence at least 6’ tall. A chihuahua may need a solid fence so it can’t slip through the gaps. So I would first narrow down the types of dogs that interest, then get your fence in place, and then start seriously looking for a dog.

       1. OP here- I’m aware of all this, and honestly, I already have a child that is the human version of a husky- who is in fact strongly advocating for a husky- and in no way will we be buying or adopting a dog like that!

          We need a family friendly dog who isn’t too fat or small to come on kid adventures, who has no major phobias that will make it impossible to be around children, and no major health issues.

          I think we may talk to the kids and challenge them to show us they are ready. Like, if you can’t keep your rooms clean or help out around the house when asked, no way are we getting a dog. My oldest is there, and is at the point where she’s leaving pet finder open on the computer for me.

    9. With the caveat that I am not a Dog Person, why wouldn’t you and your neighbor consider a dog share?

    10. Get a dog. Getting a dog will always be an interruption to your current life, but there are good times to get one, and it sounds like this is. I’m a dog person and couldn’t wait until I was in a place to get a dog as an adult — it took until my 30s to find the right time, which happened to be Covid because of WFH/reduced work load. I was very worried about the extra layer of pain in the butt, and while it does exist of course, it’s been 1,000% worth it and he’s brought so much joy to my life. It helps that he’s a very good dog. I got him from a reputable breeder. I’m all for adopting when it’s the right fit for your family, but there’s nothing wrong with getting a dog from a reputable breeder. Pick a breed that makes sense for your lifestyle, the breeder will be able to match a puppy’s personality and drive to your needs, and will have done appropriate socialization and early training to get your puppy off to the best start.

14. The thread above about financing college open my eyes to something I haven’t thought about. I graduated from college in 2009. My parents had a high income but were unwilling to contribute funds or co-sign loans, so I took out all the federal loans that I could and made up the difference with private loans. Is that option no longer available to students? To be clear, I’m not saying that what I did was a great financial decision. Had I been more savvy about the process, I probably would’ve realized that there was a more cost-effective way to get from point A to point B.

    1. Correct, students are limited to $5500 in federal loans freshman year, and it increases to $7500 for senior year. They cannot take more on their own because they generally don’t have the income/credit to secure a loan; the exception is if the parents are denied federal Parent Plus Loans, then the student can take out an additional $4K. But parents are typically only denied for egregious things, like a recent bankruptcy.

       Grad school is different. Students are older and typically have some credit/income and can qualify for loans like any other adult.

    2. Financial aid is not what it used to be in any way, unfortunately. I have two in college right now & we saved enough for in-state tuition, room, and board so anything else was going to involve loans for them.

       We looked into everything just to know what we were getting into when we toured out of state & private colleges. My A++ gpa daughter got accepted to a mediocre private school but the merit aid didn’t bring it anywhere near to in-state tution. Any loans would have been parent-backed private loans since she didn’t have need based loans available to her.

       We were lucky that both my kids’ first choices were in-state public schools (we are in CA, so no shortage of options) & that’s where they went.

       My daughter is just finishing up a short grad program at a local private college & we had some 529 money left for that, but she had to finance the rest with private student loans with a fairly high interest rate.

       I was a 100% financial aid student & can tell you from firsthand experience that it has changed A LOT.

15. I am working part time as a lawyer so I can be a SAHM until the last kid is in full-time preschool. The work I am doing is so dull that I want to poke my eyes out, but I am worried about a resume gap. (The job does not provide an amount of money or any benefits that we rely on). I really really like being a SAHM (I know not every woman does) and wish I didn’t have these little petty legal matters cluttering up my mind while I’m playing with the kids. Sometimes it’s hard to gas myself up to do another response to a pro se subpoena for a client or whatever. It’s very much “legal work someone has to do, but we don’t really care who does it” work, and it’s just …not what I became a lawyer / worked so hard to establish my career for. Debating just taking the resume gap (it would be for at least another 2-3 years, as I’m pregnant with number 3) at this point, because I’ve never struggled so much with motivating myself to do work. Maybe the two kids who throw a tantrum when they have to do something they don’t want to do are rubbing off on me.

    I recognize the privilege of the above, etc., etc., I feel very bad for complaining about this, and I would welcome any kind-hearted comments/advice.

    1. Is there any way to find more interesting part time work? I think that’s what I’d do in your shoes. Especially if you don’t really care about the money, maybe you can trade less money for something that lights you up more?

       1. I love this idea, but in practice, I haven’t been able to make it work. Because I am a SAHM, I am working after kids go to bed and before they get up. I have never found a client who was OK giving their actually interesting work to a lawyer who was non-responsive during business hours, which I completely understand.

          1. I was thinking about something like indigent criminal appeals — there is basically no client contact because you’re just reviewing the record and writing the briefs. Even if your background is in civil law, criminal law isn’t that hard to learn and I know several people who have done this part time. Just a thought.

             1. This comment made me realize I may just not really like being a lawyer, because that also sounds awful to me! But I do very much appreciate the suggestions, because that is an incredibly helpful realization to have.

             2. Haha right? Know thyself!

    2. I think an answer here is to find a different part time job, even if it is some form of contract or consulting work. This solves your problem of being super bored while still maintaining some resume activity. Also, even if it is not consistent, being able to stay current in your field has real value. I took time out of the workforce to get an advanced degree and I really noticed that even though I was still engaged on my topic, not being regularly engaged with the same kinds of organizations and frameworks meant I had an information gap upon returning to work.

    3. Take the break. I know several women that have in similar situations and did not regret it, especially with the arrival of baby number 3. At least among my friend group, the late 30s/early 40s gap year is becoming the new mid-life sports car as everyone is burning out and needs some time to breathe.

    4. When I first became a SAHM, I did some freelancing in my old field (PR). It was a small project, for a token amount of money, but it took up so much mental real estate and caused me lots of stress. (I am a perfectionist who is unable to compartmentalize, I guess!) I was working a lot of nap times and staying up after my husband went to bed as the project ramped up, and felt like I couldn’t properly focus on either or have time to recharge. I did one more project for that group and then “quit” when pregnant again. So I understand your struggle.

       I went all-in on being a SAHM and it was the right decision for me. My husband has risen in his career and pay and I’ve been able to focus on my family and be at peace about it. I do think about my resume gap, but there are so many volunteer opportunities out there to help bridge the gap when I’m ready (I know it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s something). Key for me, though, is that I have no desire to return to my former field. I am very good at writing and have a keen attention to detail, and am willing to use those skills in any field to get a toehold.

       For me it came down to being unwilling to trade my current peace for a hypothetical future.

       1. So much of this rings true for me — the perfectionism, the outsized mental real estate, the lack of time to recharge. I will probably keep thinking for another couple weeks, but I think I will probably head in the same direction you did. Thank you, genuinely, for writing this.

       2. If you do this, I’d strongly advise having a postnup to compensate you for your economic losses from being out of the workforce. Also make sure your husband has a ton of life insurance.

          1. This, exactly, and be sure to consider that the economic losses include reduced social security, lost retirement savings or pension benefits, in addition to the lost earnings and lifetime impact on earnings level.

          2. Thank you for these suggestions.

          3. Really think about this. You are losing the ability to survive independently if something happens to meal ticket hubby.

             1. I appreciate the concern, but I saved aggressively while single and in big law. Those assets remain separate property and have grown to be sufficient to sustain a lifestyle I am very comfortable with if my husband and I separated, using the 20x annual expenses rule. In other words, I wrote my *own* meal ticket in my 20s/30s.

                The assumption that a SAHM didn’t financially prepare herself to be a SAHM really grinds on me. I am not uncommon; every woman I know who has stepped back has done this or otherwise protected herself, and it’s kind of condescending to assume otherwise in 2024. It reminds me of that Cher quote — “ My mom said to me, ‘You know, sweetheart, one day you should settle down and marry a rich man,’ and I said, ‘Mom, I am a rich man.”. Surely we’ve made it past the point of assuming that every woman who spent years as a lawyer is relying on a “meal ticket hubby” to get by, instead of her own financial success and responsibility.

             2. Part Time – sadly, you are not typical. Most women in their 20s and 30s do not have big law income (and I don’t know if you had help with college/law school loans etc…) and meet a successful enough husband that after they are married they can keep all pre-marital assets tucked and secure. You may resent our questions, but I think the vast majority of intelligent and successful women on this site were no where near your level of security at your age. In fact, it is nearly impossible for most career tracks/incomes.

                And that’s leading me to say – well done. Amazing job. You have played the game well, and won. Keep your money invested. Still agree on making sure husband has enough life insurance and then live the life you want to live.

             3. That’s true…kind of. (I don’t think my income or approach is at all unusual for women on this site, and I specifically said I was an attorney). I didn’t reply acerbically to anyone but you because these are real concerns women should be weighing.

                But assuming that other women—especially women here!—are relying on a “meal ticket hubby,” with all of the negative assumptions about women that that phrase rolls in, was a bridge too far. I would strongly encourage you to…not assume that all women are destitute little ladies who are solely reliant on their husbands, and while you work on that little bit of internalized misogyny, I would encourage you not to say condescending things out loud (or online) that reveal that you hold that assumption.

    5. Would this kind of work on your resume really help you get the kind of work you want to do later? Are you in a position where you might need a decent paying job ASAP (in the event of disability or divorce) or are you sitting on piles of money that would give you a long runway? Would this job help you get a decent paying job that isn’t what you want, but pays? Does this job keep the kinds of skills you need fresh? Are there ramp-up programs for moms returning to the workplace in your area?

       1. Thank you for this list of questions. I think answering them here would dox me, but please know that they were a very helpful way to think about the reputational and financial aspects of this.

    6. My opinion FWIW- take the resume gap and enjoy your kids. Would you consider staying at home for even longer?
       I was an in-house legal exec while my kids were young (and during my 3 pregnancies). I regret not stepping back sooner. When I was in that role, I hired 2 mom lawyers in my legal department that took time off when the kids were young and then decided to rejoin the workforce when their kids were older. My best friend was a firm attorney with 2 kids who scaled back 2 years ago and this year decided to do full SAHM and regrets not doing it sooner. My mentor is a managing partner in Big Law who encouraged me to prioritize family. His wife was a SAHM after their kids were born and is now back in the work force since the kids went to college. She’s an engineer not a lawyer but he was pointing out to me there are a lot more on-ramps than there used to be.

    7. FWIW I work a part time position (24 hrs week) and the key is more solicitor type work. can’t do litigation or direct client stuff. not my jam at all. I’m miserable with that stuff. My niche is policy/legislative development. Or maybe pinch hitting on appeals drafting when the litigators are slammed.

       I’m in a lawyer role and went from full time to part time but we have a number of staff in policy roles with JD background. These are often full time but very 8-4 and knowing some of these women, they are smart enough to get their work done pretty easily in the hours allocated and still have time to go to the office gym or run errands at lunchtime.

    8. I’m in a not that dissimilar boat, but have been here for 8 years and now my kids are all in elementary school. I suggest EITHER finding a totally different part time job or structuring your week differently. What worked best for me when the kids were tiny was to have to have them at daycare/preschool from 8am-their afternoon nap 3x/week. I did all my work then. I got to play with my older one while my youngest was napping and then we all played afternoon through dinner. When it was my day “off” (ie no daycare/preschool coverage), I didn’t work. At all.

       Now I have a similar schedule except I work 7-2 most days while the kids are at school. Once they come home, work mode is off.

16. weird question, but: i’ve been trying to get outside more and garden and stuff. sometimes for hours after i come in i can feel like phantom bugs or leaves crawling up/brushing against my legs. i always look down and try to brush stuff away but there’s nothing there. am i going crazy or is there something i should be worried about?

    1. Do you wear long pants when outside? A lightweight pant with a gather bottom might help (and is a generally smart choice for outdoor activities for many reasons).

    2. I have this a little bit. Skin gets irritated by extra sun, microcuts from plants, sweat, dirt, plant sap, maybe sunscreen too. I am not good with wearing gloves most of the time, or long sleeves etc. So even after a shower and lotion, it might still be a bit irritated. For me it’s typically not a strong sensation, and easy to ignore. If it’s really intense for you, obviously ask a professional.

       1. This right here. Dust + sweat + little scratches + mild sunburn + bug bites, and ankles have crap circulation no matter how fit you are. It’s a recipe for irritation. It’s not in your head, but don’t scratch because it just makes it worse.

    3. It could be a really mild allergic reaction to something? I also notice I get a ton of minuscule scrape from carrying loads of sticks or poky weeds and things that can feel like that

       Does wearing long sleeve shirt and long pants help?

    4. I GET THIS TOO!!! I assumed it was just me. I’ve stopped reacting to the feeling (I used to start brushing/scratching/panicking immediately) and now I’ve trained myself to look down to check before reacting.

    5. Voice of doom here, y’all. If it’s a localized sensation, before you potentially brush something away make sure it’s not a teeny tiny pinpoint sized tick that’s just going to find you again. Seed ticks may be larval, appearing pale in color, or nymph, appearing the color you think a tick ought to be. They can attack in groups. They are less likely to carry Lyme disease than an adult tick, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

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