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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Furniture Quality?
I’m in the market for a sofa for our living room. It’s not for daily use. I’ve got my eye on a West Elm couch (drake) and a Crate and Barrel couch (Petrie). Both have pretty awesome upholstery sales right now so I’m pulling the trigger in the next week.
Any opinions about quality of one vs the other? I discovered some “#PeggyGate” thing with West Elm from a few years back about one sofa in particular that notoriously fell apart. Has that been resolved? Is it worth the incremental $800 for the sofa at C&B? I mean, on the one hand, I get it – these aren’t heirloom pieces that will last forever. I’m not expecting these pieces to last 30 years, but I’d like to not have to replace it in 5 because a leg cracks or the tufting falls apart.
Anonymous
We own the Montclair from c&b. Awesome! We’ve had it three years and still going strong.
This is despite the wear and tear from our kids also using it.
BabyAssociate
I have actually had the aforementioned West Elm couch for almost 3 years and have never had an issue with it.
Anon
I bought a West Elm love seat/small couch 5 years ago and just got rid of it (a combination of moving to a bigger space and bed bugs). I would have happily kept it longer if not for those factors. It generally held up to a lot of daily use – the back cushions got a bit squashy but other than that it’s been fine.
Anon
I have and love the Crate and Barrel Petrie. It’s a solid sofa. I’ve had it for eight years and it looks brand new. Highly recommend!
buffybot
Agree – we had the Petrie sofa and then eventually bought the Petrie sectional. Wears really well and is surprisingly stain resistant. Also extremely comfortable.
Pompom
I’d vote the Petrie, for the reasons above.
If your budget can handle it, give the Room and Board Goodwin sofa (or any of their stuff!) a look. We just bought one and it is solid–better quality than CB and WE have historically been–and beautiful. The upholstery options are pretty diverse, and several of the “custom” options are actually cheaper than the stocked options; downside is you’re waiting 6-8 weeks for delivery of a custom piece.
Formerly Lilly
I bought a white linen Crate and Barrel sofa in 2006. It still looks good. We hang out on it. Dogs hang out on it. Many dogs. Mud comes right out. A dog with tumors bled all over it, and that fully came out. Have successfully cleaned wine off of it. We kind of wish it would die so we could justify buying a Norfolk brand big Elvis jungle room looking sectional that we have our eye on, but the white linen Crate and Barrel sofa is still sturdy, comfortable, and appears pristine. Starting to fear that I will end up someday in assisted living, still with that damn sofa.
Saguaro
Same here; C&B slipcover sofa purchased years ago, and still going strong. Cleans up really well, even blood. The quality of the sofa is excellent, better than probably any other sofa I have purchased, even ones that are more money. As an FYI, it also has a pull out bed, which is still comfortable (I personally verified it!). Really a solid purchase, especially for the price.
KTN
I have upholstered pieces from West Elm and Crate and Barrel (and, since I see it mentioned above, Room and Board). We have a West Elm chair, a chair and a couch from Crate and Barrel, and a sectional and a chair from Room and Board. There is a very large difference in quality between West Elm and C&B/R&B. West Elm frames are no where close to as solid, and the cushions are going to look misshapen within a few years. Assuming I still like the style, I wouldn’t hesitate to get my Crate and Barrel couch reupholstered when the current fabric is worn.
I know people rave about R&B, but I really don’t think there’s a quality difference for upholstered pieces. (For case goods, Room and Board definitely has the edge though – and I think their delivery services are much better.)
If you’re staying put for a while and your style has remained pretty constant over the years, I’d recommend springing for Crate and Barrel. If you think you’re likely to move within the next 5 years, save your money and go for West Elm because you said this isn’t for everyday use, and you could easily find yourself in a new home that doesn’t fit your furniture.
KTN
Sorry – to clarify – I don’t see a quality difference between Crate and Barrel or Room and Board for upholstered pieces. Room and Board is nicer than West Elm.
Anon
One thing that bothers me about west elm/the pottery barn brands is that they don’t let people leave reviews on their sites. Makes me trust their products a bit less
Lobbyist
I have Petrie and it looks great. But legs broke right away.
Anon Lawyer
I have a West Elm couch and it’s held up fine. I think the Peggygate thing was probably specific to that product.
jackets for the dad bod
Can we do men’s fashion here too? How should a man with a larger tummy buy a suit jacket? The ones he’s tried that fit in the shoulders are too tight across the stomach, and the ones that fit across the stomach are too loose in the chest and shoulders. It’s my understanding that shoulders are hard to tailor and basically require re-making the garment, but also that it’s harder to let things out than take them in. All the “big guy” advice I can find is aimed at men who are burly overall (and often tall), so it doesn’t address this kind of discrepancy in proportions. Or does anyone know of any brands that work better for these proportions?
Ms B
He should go to Jos. A. Bank and work with a salesperson and the in-house tailor to try on a bunch of sizes to see what works; once he knows, then he can buy remotely (but still will have to deal with alterations).
mascot
Men in my life who are built like this look to Hickey Freeman, Hart Schaffner and Marx, Brooks Brothers or Joseph A Banks.
waffles
My husband is similarly proportioned and he has had good luck at Brooks Brothers. They have several different fits, so make sure to try a few.
He also got a sport jacket on their made-to-measure event, which was surprisingly affordable.
Anon
+1 to Brooks Brothers — my similarly-proportioned husband has also had good luck there.
anon
Generally, yes, we can do men’s fashion. I see it more often on the mom’s board but I think here is fine, too.
If I were in this conundrum, I’d go to the nearest “nice” department store (like Nordy’s or Bloomingdale’s, maybe Macy’s if you have neither of those) and talk to the men’s suiting associates. I would go without your husband/brother/dad/friend but with his measurements in hand, if possible–or maybe a picture of him in a jacket of a certain size. That’s just me being more comfortable speaking openly about other’s bodies without them present, though–YMMV on that front.
Others here might have more specific advice or answers, though.
Anonymous
Last minute gift to take to a two year olds party? The party is mostly adults as not many of our group have children. Usually I’d spend around £10 on books but just wondering if anyone has a better suggestion.
Anonymous
Board books, crayons, play doh…keep it simple.
Never too many shoes...
A copy of Oh, the Place You’ll Go or, if you can find it, Free to Be You and Me.
nuqotw
We often take sidewalk chalk – it’s fun for a kid and gets used up so it doesn’t take up space long-term.
Anon09er
Consumable art supplies are great — crayons (preferably washable), play doh, sidewalk chalk, stamp kits, finger paints, water colors are all wonderful. Even if you receive duplicates, it all gets used. I do hate receiving what I call the “barrel of trash”, i.e., those art supply kits that Alex toys or melissa&doug sell that are supposed to be supplies for projects.
Anon
How do you stay engaged with the news, take concrete actions to make things better, and stay sane while doing it? I am fighting the urge to stick my head in the sand and read escapist books but I know that’s not what I should be doing.
Anon
Learn about why things are the way they are (and this means rejecting simplistic explanations). There are a variety of social factors at play here, and understanding them points you towards ways you can help.
anon.
It’s very hard. I find regular, timed donations help (even like $5 or $10 a month rather than a big chunk at once), to organizations that have the personnel and capacity to fight the fights daily. This weekend I added Moms Demand to my list. But it’s hard. I feel you.
Suburban
For a while in 2017 I limited my news consumption to a morning review of the N.Y. Times. I turned off Facebook and the news app on my phone, because it just felt like it really quickly hijacked my emotions and I lost focus. Most of the stories on my news app and Facebook are really not relevant to my understanding of what is actually going on in the world.
I don’t watch tv news. I get that some folks think the times skews liberal. I sometimes read the wsj instead or in additon. I have a friend who watches cnn and then Fox News to get “both sides.” I personally cannot handle that.
I also make deals with myself. If I’m not going to do anything besides complain (and vote!) than I have stop thinking about it. It’s ok, self preservation matters. Being angry and not taking action does no good. I take seriously the implication of “owning the libs”: that certain actions and comments are designed to make good people feel frustrated and powerless in addition to being inherently wrong. You need to stay strong mentally in order to resist that or you’ll never be able to take action. It’s ok if that means a news break.
Anon
+ 1 to removing news feeds that are not legit sources (ie: social media). I don’t have an answer to your question, but I have taken steps to eliminate the things/sources that are inaccurate and/or echo chambers.
anon
I also completely avoid TV news. I used to watch the first 15 minutes of the Today show to get the basic headlines but noticed over time that they hype whatever small news they have from the day before as a “BIG DEAL” when it often wasn’t.
If you want “both sides” I’d go for print news. There are a number of reports/analyses out there that have specifically examined which news sources are the most accurate and skew which way. Maybe choose a couple of those to keep in your feed and ban others. I also have ZERO qualms hiding updates from people on my feed who fear monger or post politically related messages–I’m on facebook generally so that I know people’s personal news, not so I can read Uncle Bob’s meme about ______ that just stirs the pot.
anon
I only read news from the Associated Press. It’s a lot less clickbaity. I don’t think watching news on TV is anything other than a recipe for anxiety. There is nothing to be gained by going through life as an anxious, angry, depressed person. It does NOTHING to help others. If you’re angry and depressed all the time, I’m guessing your mood and attitude is affecting the other people in your life. My husband went through a phase of reading a bunch of news and it just made him a miserable person to live with. It was horrible.
Pick a couple of things you can do or a couple of causes you can donate to. Do that. Set a timer and read news for 15 minutes a day. The AP has a “10 things to know for today” column with 10 stories. Skim that. Then read your escapist books and move on. You can’t do everything. Making yourself miserable does nothing to make the world a better place. I am much better equipped to help others when I’m not a miserable, anxious wreck.
PolyD
I read Wonkette. Yes, they are very left-leaning but I think they are pretty accurate, and post links to articles so you can read them for yourself. Their irreverent style is the only reason I can keep up with certain news events.
Anon
I subscribe to the Skimm. Keeps me up to date enough without me getting too stressed and i like supporting businesses started by women
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Get a grip? Realize that things aren’t THAT bad?
Anonymous
How nice that your privilege allows you to believe that things aren’t that bad. The rest of us aren’t living in your bubble.
Anon
I only scroll through headlines now. Even Stephen Colbert can’t make me laugh at the state of affairs anymore. I donate to ACLU and other orgs, I volunteered (had to cut back because of a new demanding job) at a local ESL class (where all the wonderful students love America more than I do right now), and I vote.
Anonymous
I read only legit news— we subscribed to a couple of newspapers. I don’t watch any TV news or social media news. I vote, donate when I think I can actually impact a campaign (usually a woman getting a campaign off the ground), use my pro bono time to help veterans get benefits, and participate in the community service drives at work. That’s all I can do given a demanding job.
Violent Crime
Based on a shocking comment from a reader yesterday, do Americans really not realize their violent crime rates are multiples of other first world countries? I thought America knew it was dangerous and didn’t care, but based on that comment maybe the NRA propaganda machine is stronger than I thought and Americans don’t even know how bad the problem is?
Anon
Yes… affluent people tend to live in their (gated, car protected, carefully curated) bubbles.
Anon
+1
anon
This is overly aggressive. I might live in a bubble socially, but there is plenty of crime (violent and otherwise) geographically close to me that I make a point to try to avoid (e.g., by staying in the light, not out too late in certain neighborhoods, or the like). Yes, I’m privileged enough to have the means to do so, but that doesn’t mean that I live in a gated area (I don’t) or completely avoid or am protected from violent crime (I’m not). Also, isn’t a HUGE part of violent crime perpetrated by people we already know? I don’t see affluent people as being protected from that type of violence automatically–it takes (again, with means) caring for those in your circle and getting them the help they need. (And, in one specific example, immediately calling 911 when you can hear and see domestic violence in a residence very close to your own rather than waiting to see whether/how much it escalated.)
editor
We know.
Anonymous
Can we not anthropomorphize countries?
In my city, most crime victims are poor people of color. Most criminals are repeat-repeat-repeat offenders who harm similar people (and, too often, those who live with or near them).
My risk from strangers is property crime and that is virtually not even a risk. I am more likely to die in a car wreck.
None of this is news.
Anon
I knew we had a lot more gun violence than almost all countries but didn’t realize our overall violent crime rate was so much higher (it makes sense because the gun violence is in addition to, not instead of, other violence, but I hadn’t really thought it about it). I wouldn’t blame the NRA for my lack of knowledge about this, I’m vehemently pro-gun control and involved with gun control orgs like Moms Demand.
anon
Other than being involved with gun control orgs, I could’ve written this comment. Born and raised in (urban, blue) Texas, FWIW.
Eliza
We know. I just think most people don’t think it’s going to happen to them and thus don’t care enough.
If I have to hear one more person say, “Be careful” when I leave on a trip to Europe, I just…
Anon
Violence isn’t the only thing that kills people. Even with the current outbreak, which is the biggest in decades in the US, measles is still way more prevalent in Europe. I was definitely nervous taking my daughter there before her first MMR vaccine. Also I think ‘be careful’ is always good advice for a woman traveling solo, regardless of where she’s going…
Anon
Do you say “be careful” to a person traveling solo to NYC or LA? If not (and mot people in my world don’t), then don’t say it to a person traveling solo to London or Paris. And if you don’t say it to a man, don’t say it to a woman
Anonymous
I think that women are more vulnerable than men. We are better victims and are the preferred victims of some crime. [Maybe more crime happens to men, but my weak, old, MIL is a great victim b/c she can’t run or meaningfully resist. I am less helpless than she is, but I get why people say this to women. I’d say this to my daughter.]
Anon
I don’t say it, because it is a little condescending to say it to someone who is your generation or older ,and I don’t have a lot of much younger friends who are traveling solo. But the people I know who say it (mostly parents saying it to their kids) would say it regardless of whether the city was NYC or London. It’s not about being scared of Europe, it’s about parents loving to remind their kids to be cautious.
BabyAssociate
I am sooooo with you on your last sentence!!!
Anonymous
Although in Europe, I am on foot alone at night more than I am in the US and in places that I am not 100% familiar with (downtown DC: every day and night since forever). I take transit where what I remember from the last time may have changed, safe areas may have changed, and criminals seem to like to prey on relatively rich foreign tourists. Also: I am probably drinking. I am just a bit more vulnerable due to language differences, unfamiliarity, not being in a group, and being female.
If you put me in Chicago, bad stuff could still happen. But I roughly know what to avoid and have no incentive to pack in all of the fun things and stay out very late b/c I can always go back.
Anon
I agree with this. Im more vulnerable traveling abroad rather than in the US not because Europe is more dangerous but because I am familiar with the customs, language, etc here. Even within the US I feel safer in New York over cities that are objectively safer because I’m familiar with my city, am not going to get/look lost, etc
Anon
I feel like people are mostly warning about getting pickpocketed in Europe, which is a much bigger problem than in America.
Anon
This. I don’t think “be careful” implies they think you’re going to get killed. Pickpockets are a way bigger problem in Europe.
Anon
Do you have a source or stats for this? I’ve never heard that before, and it is not consistent with my experience. Lots of people get pickpocketed in Europe, but lots of people also get pickpocketed in NYC and other big US cities.
Anon
You know, all of the number I see are from surveys rather than hard crime stats. I don’t know anyone who has been pickpocketed in NYC and haven’t really seen it, but know many people who have in Europe. Cities like Barcelona and Rome are infamous for it and you won’t find a travel guide without warnings of pickpocketing rings (or any non-European city (aside from Buenos Aires) on the biggest pickpocket lists online). I don’t think it’s Americans being paranoid, though there certainly are paranoid Americans out there.
Anon
FWIW, both Lonely Planet and Fodor’s warn about pickpocketing in New York City. I didn’t check any other US cities, but I assume they also contain a warning. Maybe it’s just that I’m naturally skeptical without stats. But, given where I live and work in DC, I spend a lot of time traveling through the tourist areas of the city, and I’ve seen just as much pickpocketing here as I do in Europe – people stealing iphones out of someone’s hand on the metro, people stealing bags that people have put down to go take a picture, etc. I just think tourists are an easy target everywhere.
Maybe it is noticeable worse in some places, maybe it is our biases. That’s why I was curious if there was any statistics on it.
Anonymous
Maybe it’s the large amounts of begging families / children in some cities (formerly described as “gypsies” but perhaps not even actual Roma) — I have had people reach out and grab me or my things and you feel swarmed in a way that doesn’t happen in the US. This is in major transit hub parts of cities, so hard to avoid if you are using transit and have to pass through the hub at some point.
Signed,
short, small female who looks young and like an easy target
Anon
Anonymous at 12:06 – that makes a lot of sense. I do find that the personal space bubble, in general, is a lot smaller in Europe than the US, and could easily see how that makes people who are used to a lot of personal space uneasy.
ElisaR
anecdotally – I lived in NYC for 10 years and was never pickpocketed. My mother grew up in Brooklyn and was never pickpocketed in her 73 years in NYC. One week visiting in London — it happened. It was inconvenience.
Anon
My father grew up in NYC and has never been pickpockted there, although he did get mugged once! But he has been pickpocketed in Europe THREE times. I think in Europe it’s way more inconvenient because they typically lift your wallet, which has things like credit cards that are hard to replace, not just cash. The mugger in NYC just demanded my dad hand over all his cash, so he lost money but he didn’t have to get a new passport or worry about identity theft.
Alanna of Trebond
Yes, this is 100%. There is more violent crime in America but it is much easier to avoid for tourists. The NYC murder rate is falling while London’s is holding steady, so it is possible that at one point they will converge, despite the overall rate of violent crime being higher elsewhere in the U.S.
Anon
We get so many comments every trip out of the country we go on about “safety.” The past few trips we’ve gone on were France after the Paris attacks and Cancun after *one* person had gotten shot at a club, and everyone kept telling us how unsafe they were.
anon
Based on the conversations I’ve had with people, both those for and those against gun control, that even when they know the US statistics, even when they know they are at even above average risk because of x/y/z factor, there is a strong denial that “it could happen here/to me”. I think it’s related to the conversation here a while back about miscalculated risks, as much as it is politics or opinion.
Anon
To be fair, even with mass shootings, the risk of violent crime in many safe, suburban areas of the US is very low. I’m not saying that affluent, suburban areas in the Canada or the UK aren’t safer than similar areas the US, but for anyone living in an affluent, suburban area the risk of being murdered is incredibly incredibly low. I’m much more likely to die in a car accident. I think I’m probably more likely to get hit by lightning.
Anonymous
Right. Danger comes from car accidents. Home security systems are for property crimes.
Why is someone trying to raise alarms where the stats say otherwise?
If I lived with my ex-con uncle and his daughter who used meth and heroin, very different story.
anon @ 9:41
I “raise an alarm”, as you say it, because it is impossible to mitigate a risk you aren’t aware of. It is “political”, but not specifically because it touches one issue, like gun safety. Understanding alters society and individuals’ response.
Myself and the 2 people I care most about, all work in different government buildings, which could be targeted. The risk assessment is different for each–DH is in a job which can provoke retaliation, but OTOH, his office has (at least a few) security features. I work a desk job no one would attack me for, but in a nearby area with much higher risk because of racial factors. And my mom works customer service in a wealthy, WASPy, building, with a boss who ignored implement basic safety recommendations like chaining the pens to the desk, even after paying for the training and consultations. Newsflash–I worry about my mom’s position the most, because her situation is controlled by people who literally say, “It will never happen here”.
Anonymous
“basic safety recommendations like chaining the pens to the desk”
Does your mother work in a prison? Or locked mental ward? I haven’t seen them in banks in years, which is where I used to see chained pens. And, frankly, I can see how a chained pen can be really dangerous (the chain, not the pen) in the hands of the wrong person.
anon @ 9:41
I use that as an example because it would have been so easy to implement. Yes, there are also violent sx offenders and other crimimals regularly walked past the desk because it’s a courthouse with no separate entrance–but building a sallyport would require investing resources. Respected ex-military professionals recommended both, and a range of other ideas between, but 0 of their recommendations were taken.
DH does frequently go to a prison for work. He follows rules like removing his tie. As I said, I worry about him less because the precautions are compatible with the level of risk.
Anonymous
I worked in a courthouse and past criminals all the time. At least then, I knew who the criminals were and what they did. And was surrounded by armed security.
Now, alone and clueless in the world, my risk has probably escalated. My perception of the risk (Megan’s law offenders are still here, only I don’t know who they are) has plummeted. And no armed security.
I go past the courthouse at least twice a day.
Anon
After one of the school shootings earlier this year, one of the students was being interviewed and was asked something along the lines of if she thought it could ever happen in her school. Her response was, yes, it happens in all those other places I always though it was possible here too. It stayed with me, largely because so many people think this type of stuff can never happen to them. The one hope I have is that people in the younger generation are growing up with this fear, and will actually do something about it when they gain power. Cause it is very clear that the baby boomers are not going to change anything
Anonymous
I feel bad for people who have to work alone at night at gas stations b/c they always seem to be a magnet for crime and also armed robberies. Robbers seem to be more idiotic lately, like with such anger issues and poor impulse control that clerks seem to be more in danger than ever. So I’ve always seen crime as likely in some places (and at some times of day).
But hotels (India), airports (LA), concerts (LV), movies (Colorado), etc. have all been places of attacks. But I know, overall, I am much more likely to die in my car in rush hour later today. Is it possible that I’ll die in a massive attack? Yes — my old employer was in the South Tower on 9/11 and I took that PATH trains daily. But even with that, it is absolutely not likely.
Senior Attorney
I just got back from Germany/Austria/Italy and it was amazing to walk around in unfamiliar neighborhoods at night and feel perfectly safe. Of course if we’re talking about safety in Europe, a close friend had a horrific bicycle accident on a bike path (she’s okay thank goodness), but that’s a whole ‘nother story…
Anon
Horrific bicycle accidents are much more common in the U.S. thanks to our car-centric culture, inability to provide basic universal bike infrastructure, and unsafe drivers. One friend’s unlikely accident is in no way a commentary about safety in Europe.
Senior Attorney
I know that. It was supposed to be an ironic comment but it didn’t land.
Anonymous
Bike accidents are no joke — even with a helmet and a mere fall, closed head trauma is not always something you get back from at 100% of what you used to be.
Senior Attorney
No kidding. My husband landed on his head and fractured his skull while wearing a helmet last year (he’s back close to 100%, thank goodness, but he is very very VERY lucky). Between that and the recent accident on vacation, I’m about ready to hang up my padded shorts.
Anonymous
Please take your condescension elsewhere
Anonymous
Find a “bad” school near you and tutor math (hardest to find help with) or reading. Or donate $ to the PTA or library.
Anon
My new coworker (slightly junior to me) has taken it upon herself to be the personal monitor of my schedule. I’m dealing with a chronic medical issue and have talked to my supervisor about working from home more to accommodate appointments. She has been very supportive. However, new coworker keeps peppering me with “you’re working from home AGAIN??” And “where are you, I miss you!” At first I interpreted these comments as naive or overly friendly, and maybe it is since she seems friendly otherwise, but the sheer frequency is both annoying and inappropriate. I do not intend to share my medical history with her. I should shut this down, right? I think I just need a reality check. Is this nice and naive or passive aggressive?
Anon
It doesn’t matter why it’s happening. It’s because of a medical issue, your supervisor has approved it, and she needs to mind her own business. Communicate that, nicely but firmly, and succinctly.
ArenKay
It is SO passive aggressive. Definitely shut it down.
Vicky Austin
Either way, not her business. “I’m working, that’s the important thing!” and then do not engage further.
Suburban
If she’s junior to you, you might frame it as advice on office culture: “Oh hey, we don’t discuss our exact schedules here because people are often given flexibility for reasons hr prefers we not discuss. If you ever need someone who is working remotely you can always contact her supervisor/email/ect.”
anon
I like this script but would drop “often” so it doesn’t convey that it’s given out willy nilly. Props to Suburban, though, I was struggling to come up with anything to say to shut this down.
Anon
I’m OP and was thinking of a simple “hey, your frequent comments about my schedule and working location are making me uncomfortable. I’d prefer we didn’t discuss it.” I don’t even want to mention anything medical because she’s also nosy. Does my script sound ok?
anon
I don’t love this but am having a hard time putting my finger on why…maybe it’s making it more personal than it needs to be? I very much prefer Vicky Austin’s script and otherwise less specific/aggressive ways of addressing it.
“You’re working from home AGAIN?!” “Yup. Did you need something?”
“Where are you, I miss you!” “I’m online–do you need something?”
“But you’re not in the office.” “I’ll be in tomorrow/Thursday in the morning, but have a couple of meetings then. Do we need to schedule an in-person meeting? If so, ____ (assistant) can get you on my schedule.”
Anon
Idk, Vicky’s script doesn’t actually signal that the conversation is inappropriate.
anon
Maybe I’m more sensitive to subtext but I think it does. Especially when used repeatedly. Failing to engage should send a signal to STFU. I also give people a HUGE benefit-of-the-doubt credit and know I do (assume best intentions). I appreciate when others do the same for me, even if I’m making a misstep and behaving “inappropriately” (to be clear, I think co-worker in this case is being inappropriate, but I’m more inclined to assume naivete or respond as such, even if I have a gut feeling that it’s passive aggression versus naivete).
Vicky Austin
I guess it doesn’t outright, but I think, while polite, it serves as a neat closure to that line of conversation, which signals “I’m not going to talk about that,” which to me (non-confrontational to a fault) is enough.
However, OP, your script sounds fine to me, especially in a context where you’d deployed my line or some of anon10:10’s suggestions multiple times and it hadn’t dissuaded her.
Anon
I prefer just shutting it down this way to directly addressing it. It’s not your responsibility to directly tell her the requests are inappropriate, and saying that is only likely to offend her and blow the whole thing out of proportion.
I’m not saying you *cant* call her out directly. I just don’t see the point.
Anon
I agree that OP’s proposed response is too personal and too much of a request, but I like that it signals that the conversation is inappropriate. How about “hey, your frequent comments about my schedule and working location are inappropriate. We don’t discuss our exact schedules here. If you ever need someone who is working remotely you can always contact them by [email, phone, whatever].”
Anonymous
The language “making me uncomfortable” makes it sound like the problem is you, not her. “I’d prefer” has similar connotations, and also makes it sound like you’re asking for a favor or special accommodation. I’d be more direct. “Your frequent comments . . . are not appropriate.” I think you’re trying to soften the message because it’s uncomfortable to shut down someone’s rudeness, but she’s the one creating the situation, not you. If you’re less than blunt then you risk the message getting lost.
Anon
Ah, I see. That makes sense. Thank you for this!!
Anonymous
It sounds like she’s being passive aggressive– but it’s possible the message she’s trying to passive aggressively convey isn’t “you’re not working!” or “this is unfair!” Personally, I find it much easier to handle some things in person rather than by email or slack and, since most people work in office everyday in my company, I find myself pushing off tasks when I need to check with a team member who’s working remotely for a few days. Do you think she’s like me and (because she’s junior to you) she isn’t being direct? Are you as available to her when you work from home? Maybe you could say something like: “I’ve noticed you commenting when I work from home. If you need to talk when I’m remote, you can always send me a text/slack/whatever and ask if I’m free for a call.” You don’t owe her this, but I do think it’s more productive than jumping to telling her she’s being inappropriate.
Anon
+1
anon
I’m anon at 10:10 and this is what I was trying to get to.
In-House in Houston
Ladies, I’m looking to buy a used car. Has anyone tried this service (Carvana/Vroom) where the cars are online only, you have to buy it and they deliver it to your house. You have 7 days to return it and supposedly get a full refund. This makes me very nervous. Has anyone done this? If you have, how did you like it? Did anyone not keep the car and get a full refund? I think I’m most interested in those that didn’t like the car and wanted a refund. TIA!
Anon
We did this and it mostly worked out, although there was a huge delay in getting the car to us due to a transmission issue that we almost canceled the purchase over. It worked out in the end and was very convenient. We have the car three years later and like it a lot. We used ba we did this and it mostly worked out, although there was a huge delay in getting the car to us due to a transmission issue that we almost canceled the purchase over. It worked out in the end and was very convenient. We have the car three years later and like it a lot. We used Beepi but it got bought by someone.
Anon
Sorry for the insane dictation errors. Ugh.
Anon
I wouldn’t limit yourself to sites like Carvana. I searched for a specific make model and year of car online and found that many dealerships, particularly for their used car, have a specific internet sales person or department. These guys generally are paid by volume by the car, not by the price of each individual car, so the upsell tactics weren’t there. The car had a price, you paid it or you didn’t, no haggling or bargaining, but also no pressure.
Anon
Why not go certified pre-owned?
Anonymous
If you’re looking for a personal shopper, Tom McParland is a writer for Jalopnik and helps people find cars.
Anon
I used Carvana to buy my car – can’t help with the return piece. I did it three years ago and have loved the car! I did choose a model that is known for reliability and had relatively low mileage.
In-House in Houston
Thanks for the response. It was one of the few that were on-point to my original question.
XL Ties?
Do any of you buy ties for the men in your lives who are tall? My husband needs more XL ties and asked me to pick some out because he’s colorblind – they are really expensive at Brooks Brothers (like $90!). Thanks!
anon
I almost always get them at men’s warehouse. On the website I think you can filter for Extra-long. (I also always filter for 100% silk). When you add to your “cart”, you might still have to make sure you select the right size, because a lot of them also come in regular length.
The prices are still in the 50-75$ range, I think, but they often have sales and email deals.
Vicky Austin
My husband’s been happy with his (normal-length) ones from The Tie Bar. They also carry longer ones.
KW
JCPenney carries a decent selection of XL ties, and my husband has been happy with the ones he has.
ElisaR
Brooks Brothers has crazy sales – wait for one of them.
Anonymous
Yes- eBay eBay eBay. My husband fancies Hermès and Zegna ties which are $$$$$ new. However, second hand they are like $50-$75 and are generally better made and more interesting than other ties. Because apparently there are people out there who buy new ties each season for $200+ each and then sell them.
Having Toilet Paper sparks joy
I live in a small apartment and space is tight. I should probably do another purge, but I’ve also identified a space that I’m not using. My only question: is it a bad/dangerous idea to use?
I have a stacked washer and dryer in a closet. There’s at least room for one of those big Rubbermaid bins above it. I would love to get an an adjustable shelf and put light things that wouldn’t be damaged by heat emanating from the dryer there: Toilet paper! Paper towels! A few boxes I need to keep!
Does this space need to be empty, or is light storage there ok?
January
I don’t really know for sure, but I have a box of dryer sheets, a box of those color-catcher things, and sometimes a roll of paper towels up there. It’s been fine so far.
SoVeryAnon
Very anon for this, as the story would immediately out me to my friends, but I started a small fire -that caused literally millions in damage to my condo building due to the sprinkler system going off -by storing toilet paper in this way, not realizing that it was too close to the ceiling light fixture. The heat from a normal lightbulb ignited the toilet paper rolls. So, can’t speak to the need for the dryer top to be empty, but check for distance from ceiling light!
Anon
tldr: bad idea, IMO.
I think it’s a bad/dangerous idea. Personally – I would not use that space and go for the purge, no contest!
Why: I’m absolutely risk averse when it comes to both fire and water damage. (I’m guessing that you are too, since you ask unqualified strangers on teh internet.) :) I would probably also make sure to keep the closet door open while drying to air out, but I’m from a country that don’t do laundry closets, so the set-up might be different from what I’m imagining.
But you could/should check the technical requirements of where you live (I don’t know any US rules, but I think it’s called code?). There are probably requirements connected to dryers. You could also check the instruction manual for your particular dryer. Remember that even refrigerators have requirements of “empty space” behind them because of the heat from the motor.
You don’t say whether you have a ventilated dryer connected to an outside vent, or a condensation dryer. Personally I would be very concerned that a dryer that generates humid hot air in a very small space could mean long-term damage, e.g. development of mold because of the humidity, and that “plugging” that small space would be even worse. And if it’s an unventilated, hot and humid small place, your extra paper goods are not going to enjoy that. I think (again, it’s not a thing where I live) that some US toilet paper have perfume??? I would be very concerned with heat and flammability in that case.
OP
Thanks everyone! I knew instinctively that it was probably a bad idea, but you all helped me flesh it out!
Help
I’m finding myself in one of those AAM situations and I need some thoughts outside of my own head.
Our department basically imploded last year. While details are probably unnecessary, suffice it to say that our manager is a problem in ways that are unlikely to improve. The company is aware, and HR was involved this spring. This manager is on an improvement plan. However, the way in which our HR dept handled this issue was so poor (ex. shared confidential conversations about our boss *with* our boss) that we lost several very valuable staff members. The department responded to the HR investigation in three ways: those who were honest about their concerns, those who were too afraid to be honest, and those who see an opportunity to get in with this manager.
With no resolution, we’re moving forward, trying to get our jobs done and maintaining a semblance of a professional relationship with this manager. Yet one staff member seems oblivious to the ongoing problems. The group received an email last night with the demand that we all pitch in to organize a surprise birthday party for this boss. She has already contacted the boss’ spouse to get ideas on just what the boss likes the best so as to make this a “great party.”
Dear readers, I can maintain professional relationships. This team needs my specialized skills more than ever and I’m happy to provide them. But I am not about to get involved in this birthday scheme. Our department is not happy, not unified, and not very functional. A birthday party would be awkward at best and suggest to HR that the problems no longer exist, at worst.
What to do? My current instinct is to ignore the email.
And how to handle future social gatherings?
Help
I should also mention we’ve never held a birthday party for the boss before, nor for any other dept. members.
Anonymous
fyi today is AAM’s weekly work open post thread (goes up about 11AM EST) so you could try posting there too!
And as to your predicament… oof. I don’t have any advice, just sympathies that your staff member is so oblivious.
OP
Just posted there. Thanks!
Anon
I would ignore the email, and have an unavoidable conflict at the time of the party (a meeting that can’t be missed/moved, have to work from home for the repairman to come, a vacation or sick day, etc.). It doesn’t seem that anything good can come from objecting to the party. But, given the serious issues, my bigger issue in your situation would be to focus on my job hunt and getting out of that dysfunctional environment.
Anon
I would sidestep this particular issue by reply-all and saying that you don’t “gift up” in offices: subordinates do not throw parties or give presents to bosses.
anon
I’m anon at 10:00 and really like this approach.
Senior Attorney
This is a very good idea.
anon
I was very grateful to a coworker once who told me that they just don’t celebrate birthdays in the office. Totally cool, but my last (somewhat similar) office DID celebrate them. This is more complicated though. Part of me thinks you could treat it as if it’s not, though, and be a quick voice of dissent. I’m guessing most of your colleagues would appreciate it. Tough place, though, and I do not envy you.
Anon
No birthday parties in offices, especially for the boss!
My smallish office has a cake every month. We sing happy birthday to everyone who had a birthday that month, and then yum, cake.
Gift help
It’s been a while since I have attended a bachelorette party, but I am going to my soon-to-be SIL’s in a few weeks. Are people still bringing gifts to these parties? And what would you recommend as a gift? When I attended ones in my 20s, gifts of nighties were common, but that seems like a weird gift to come from the groom’s sister. You are all always full of good ideas! Thanks for any suggestions you can provide!
Abby
It depends on the group, so I’d ask the other girls or the MOH if it’s expected. I’ve given cover ups, especially if the honeymoon is going somewhere they can use it. Gifts I received and LOVED: a swim suit, an ice roller gifted with under eye masks (you stick the rolly part in the freezer and it “depuffs” I used it on my wedding day and everyday still), nice pajamas (I use these way more than the nighties), chambongs (it’s a “champagne flute” shaped bong for drinking/laughs but I’m also 27 so not for everyone).
Vicky Austin
+1 to nice PJs! Doesn’t seem as personal as a nightie but still nice and pamper-y. I wear mine all the time. I only got nighties from older aunts and I think that was probably a good thing.
Anon
Been to several in the past few years (I’m in my late 20s so its that season of life). For the first one, we had a lingerie party that we were told about in advance, so we bought them. I also bought a small other gift but I was the only one. The ones we didn’t – just paid for the bride’s share of certain activities.
anon
I was the groom’s sister on two occasions and avoided “intimate” gifts both times. I think I did a robe one time and lounge clothes/innocuous but nice PJs for the other. Slippers would also be a decent choice, I think, depending on your budget and how close you are to your future SIL.
Anon
The only time I’ve brought a gift is when there was a theme or a game that required one. I don’t think a gift is normally expected. For example with my friends we always play the underwear game so I would buy a pair of undies.
Anonymous
If it’s at someone’s house, I would bring a bottle of prosecco for each the bride and the hostess.
Anon
For travel bachelorettes, no because she has to pack it back on the plane. For local ones, a small token gift IME is always given. Maybe some moderately cheap lingerie, a “take care of yourself” DIY gift basket (some lotions, face mask, bubble bath, etc., some wine and/or chocolate. I don’t think I’ve ever spent more than $20 bucks on it.
Anonymous
The only time I’ve seen gifts at bachelor*tte parties are when the MOH (or person organizing) announced ahead of time that there would be a themed gift-giving occasion, usually lingerie. If nobody has asked you to bring a gift, I wouldn’t. Also, when I’ve been asked to bring a gift, there either wasn’t a shower, or the shower had had very different attendees (older relatives, mom’s friends) than the bachelor*tte party. Also, I remember two instances where the groom’s sister gave something like a robe or cozy lounge pants and tank top.
Gift help
Thank you so much, ladies! This is very helpful!
AttiredAttorney
If the party includes an invitation to a lingerie shower, then yes, bring a gift of lingerie. If it’s just a bachelorette party (drinking, girls weekend, etc), then no gift.
Panhandlers
They have ticked way up in My city where virtually every intersection hosts a few. They have signs (which I’m sure have no 10b5 assurances). Some can get aggressive with coming up to your car when it has to stop for a light.
I give to homeless care groups and rehabilitation charities.
Any good ways other than continue to resist giving? We were followed and heckled by a guy claiming to be a homeless veteran leaving a restaurant in foot recently when we had our young kids with us.
They are so used to people being honest that it was hard to tell them “That person is scaring me and gioving him money will encourage to scare other people. I don’t know if he is a vet but if he is we have given money to a place that will house him and feed him and help him get well and find a job.” That seemed to work on the kids but it was unsettling.
Anon
You continue not to give? Not sure there are “other ways” to do that.
Anonymous
That is basically how I handle it with my kid. “I don’t give money to individual people on the street. I donate to groups that give them food and a place to stay, and I work all day at my job to help fix the problems in society that cause homelessness.” I don’t pass judgment on whether a particular person is “honest” or not, but I do explain that we don’t know anything about individual people asking for help and I prefer to prioritize my limited donation budget for groups that focus on children and mothers.
Z
I grew up in New York but live in the midwest now. There are a lot of panhandlers in my city, and I don’t acknowledge that they’re there. Just keep walking or looking straight ahead if in the car. My born-and-raised midwest SO tends to say “I’m sorry I don’t have any cash” and thinks my way is rude. Maybe it is, but that’s how was taught.
anon
I absolutely don’t give to panhandlers but in the past five or so years, have started giving a minimal smile with a small wave or nod. I don’t want to dehumanize these people but I also don’t want to invite further interaction. Also, I certainly use discretion instinct about whether any interaction or eye contact is likely to cause more trouble and avoid doing so in those situations.
emeralds
Yes. There were a lot of panhandlers around my former city-integrated college campus, and they did some awareness programming around homelessness. Many of the people who were homeless said that being treated as invisible was very difficult for them, and that they truly appreciated people who would still acknowledge that they’re human beings who deserve respect.
I don’t give money out, ever, but since then I’ve made a point of making eye contact and using some variation of “I don’t have any cash”/”Sorry but I hope you have a good day”/etc. I used to ignore and just keep walking, but I haven’t had any creepy interactions or felt particularly at risk of anything since then. (I actually had one of our regulars be like, “there’s a new guy up there, watch out for his vibe” and that dude was indeed sketchy.) And like anon at 10:03, I would certainly avoid anyone who made me feel unsafe.
Anon
In my city, giving that small wave or nod invites way too much interaction. Men think I’m being flirty (why would I a woman in a business suit walking quickly and steadily away be flirting with a man 40 yrs older than me who clearly lives on the streets, but wtv). The most I’ll give is a look in their direction with a gentle shake of the head no, but I mostly don’t acknowledge them either, especially in the car. If you decide to harass me in my car and you’re on the side of my door hitting my car, you took the risk and it’s not my fault if I drive over your foot as I pull away.
PolyD
Heh, I grew up in the Midwest (Chicago suburbs) and I have no problem ignoring the car panhandlers. On the street, I might say, Sorry, no, as I keep walking.
Another thing is that especially if I am alone there is no way I am going to stop and dig out my wallet and look for money. I’m not really a paranoid or fearful sort, but it just doesn’t seem wise. I do recall being at a convention in a large city with lots of panhandlers and I started keeping some $1 and $5 in my pocket so if I wanted to, I could quickly drop some money to a panhandler without having to get my wallet out.
Anon
He’s naive, it’s not everyone but people see that smile or nod as an invitation to harass you.
anon
IME I’m more likely to be hassled by someone who is coming up to me to affirmatively ask (versus saying “sorry not today” or just a little smile to a person panhandling on the sidewalk). I do sometimes give a dollar to panhandlers and cannot remember ever really being uncomfortable whether I do or don’t, whereas I try to engage as little as possible with someone who is going up to specific people asking.
Anon
I also don’t give to people on the street, but do donate to charities. Most of the time, I have no problems. When someone is being more aggressive, I just lie and say I have no cash. This seems to be the normal response among my friend group.
Anon
You can explain to your kids that you don’t give money to every person who asks for it (which has a larger life lesson). You can explain that you give money to charities because it goes further (i.e., a soup kitchen can make many meals for $10, but $10 buys one homeless person a restaurant meal). You can explain that the charities do work besides food – clothing, shelter, job training, mental health counseling – all of which help the person in the long run.
Anonymous
With panhandlers, my concern is not that $10 only buys one restaurant meal. It is that that buys alcohol (bit panhandler / drunk flop area right outside the back of my ABC store so they spill into the gas station next door; they leave a lot of human waste and broken glass from their activities) or illegal drugs (and the needles don’t get disposed of).
Actual food, even if more expensive, I’d be fine with. You can’t recover from whatever made you homeless if you starve first and everyone deserves to eat.
Anon
I don’t disagree, but the issue is explaining this to kids. It’s best to not make it about whether the person will buy drugs or a sandwich; rather, make it about how you thoughtfully choose to spend your money.
Anonymous
Actually, I see giving cash to panhandlers as a way to guarantee that a vulnerable person does something that is harmful to him/herself. So I see giving directly as very, very bad. Like you might as well stick them with a dirty needle level bad. I literally cannot give them $.
Suburban
I mean I agree,of course.
However, after learning a bit more about addiction my thoughts have evolved as to my moral judgment. I still don’t want them spending my money on drugs and alcohol instead of food. But, if they’re addicts their drugs and alcohol are not like my Friday night wine. It’s not like they’ll be a bit bored tonight and feel better tomorrow and get their lives together. They’ll go through dangerous withdrawal from alcohol and drugs which is not something you’ll want to witness in your neighborhood parking lot.
anon
This is how I feel as well and have dealt with reconciling it to myself. But, just to start a conversation and educate myself, does anyone else eventually feel like the system is failing these people and that even if I’m doing the “right thing” by giving to an organization that intends to help the homeless, the system isn’t set up to *actually* help them improve their circumstances?
anon
Obviously the system is failing. But you can’t change the system personally at this moment, so all you can do in the meantime is help with stop-gap measures like donating to soup kitchens and homeless shelters.
Anonymous
I think that if a person is homeless due to addiction, there is little to be done while they are an addict. But there are orgs in my city that will help you get clean (rehab, support, supportive housing).
An independent weekly did an expose once that a lot of people who panhandle just do it to fund a drug habit and aren’t even homeless (just living with mom, who has cut you off, so you panhandle for money for drugs and then drive back home). Different problem entirely.
We have an affordability crisis. But that isn’t what makes the panhandlers out there.
nom
Look for organizations that use a “housing first” model, and contribute to them.
Because recovery is even harder when you’re sleeping rough, or living in your car, or in an encampment. It’s incredibly hard to get better when you never feel safe.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anonymous
Also it could be a safety issue, it’s not uncommon for to get mugged in this situation
Anonymous
Sort of unrelated but I just wanted to share this weird phenomenon in my city. I have lived here for 10 years and there are certain intersections where there are always panhandlers that approach your car at a red light. I’m used to it. This summer, the panhandlers at a few intersections were replaced by children, under 10, who are out of school for summer. That is what they are doing as a summer activity. Panhandling, not fundraising or anything. It has been so jarring to see. I did notice a LOT of cars forking over cash to the kids though (not me).
Anonymous
It just heightens my sense that I’m getting manipulated. Those kids aren’t using the $ for food or helping their parents pay for housing. They are (likely, and I think virtually certainly) forking the $ over to the grownup exploiting them (who probably has addiction / mental health / all of the above issues AND is charged with overseeing the well-being of a child) who then uses it for his/her own purposes.
It is shades of panhandlers who get a dog and want $ “for the dog”. I bet the dog is abused / underfed and discarded once it stops being a producer.
It just deepens my resolve to only fund the “transformative housing” people who actually do what they say they will do.
anon
I think my approach may be a little different from those who have already commented. I try to have a few dollars on me so I can give to panhandlers assuming I feel safe doing so. I don’t take out my wallet to do so and typically don’t feel comfortable doing so if someone is physically approaching me (versus sitting on the sidewalk with a cup and calling out to passers-by). As someone mentioned above, after learning a bit more about addiction and mental illness, I decided not to make it my concern whether the person is going to use my dollar for something I don’t think they should do. It’s not my job to judge them. I do give money to orgs working for systemic change, but the positive interaction of acknowledging them as a person and giving a little bit (again — all of this is if I feel safe in the particular situation) is of growing importance to me as well.
Anon
How do you decide which ones to give to? I probably pass at least 20 panhandlers a day, and couldn’t afford to give to all of them without drastically cutting my other charitable giving.
Homeless Paper
In my city, I give to folks selling our street paper. Our city has grown so much and is gentrifying everywhere, which has increased the homeless population, so we now have two street papers.
Sometimes, I give the seller the money and don’t take the paper, so that they can sell it (they buy the papers for a fraction of the cost they sell it for).
Anonymous
I do this also. I give money or even food if I have it (a granola bar, etc.) sometimes. I also give regularly to organizations in my city that help with food, housing, mental health and addiction treatment and I take my kids 2 Saturdays a month to serve food, clean, make care packages, etc. at the shelter. This is an issue that I find very complex and I don’t think there is one right way to address. I understand why people don’t feel comfortable giving money directly. But I also don’t see it as my job to judge what someone does with them money I give them.
holiday suggestions
I know this is far in advance but would love thoughts on eliminating gifts from Christmas. We’ve been trending this way for years and we’re not a big gifting family to begin with (no children in the extended family). That being said, I’d like to think of ways that we can still make it feel special and holiday-y, since we are all pretty introverted and tend to all relax on different sofas with books after gifts are done. I would love to hear from any families that have traditions that might fit! We already do a nice breakfast and dinner and church on Christmas Eve, just thinking about more activities to fill the other time. I’m not a grinch and love the holidays so much, so still want to make it special in other ways.
Anon
Go to a Christmas concert or the Nutcracker ballet, volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen, watch Christmas movies together (there is a small local theatre in my city that often shows Christmas movies around that time of year, and it’s fun to watch them on a big screen).
anon
I have decided that an afternoon of making and decorating cookies is still enjoyable to me as an adult, and plan to host a cookie making afternoon this advent season.
+1
We do this! We set up a Christmas calendar a couple of months prior. We have tons of activities! Some are concerts (our favorite artist does a Christmas special; the Nutcracker), classic movies (sometimes at the theater–our local indie spot plays It’s A Wonderful Life and White Christmas), cut down our own Christmas tree, design our Christmas cards, watch ALL the Christmas movies, go to our favorite arboretum that is lit up for the season, make cookies with the Trader Joe’s ugly Christmas sweater cookie kit, etc. I do a ton of research, so that we can have a lot on the calendar, and really enjoy how full it makes the season!
It kicks off with Meet Me in St. Louis on Thanksgiving day and IT.IS.THE.BEST.
+1 Again
I am the person with all the suggestions about our calendar. I forgot to add that we also start the season off volunteering at our local shelter on Thanksgiving morning.
Abby
Board games? Fondue to make eating more of an activity that takes longer?
Anonymous
We rent a theatre in an independent movie theatre and give the tickets (100) to a children’s non profit of some sort to give out to families. It is always a big hit and it’s honestly cheap to rent an independent theatre.
We also do a donation for stockings for a shelter in a neighbouring town since the shelter gets less donations than the local ones.
Anon
My family almost always goes out to a movie on Christmas evening. It is a fun thing to do together, when also breaking up all the family togetherness focused on interacting,
thehungryaccountant
Gifts: One side of my extended family does a small (under $20) gift exchange- so each adult only gets and receives one gift. The other side of the family exchanges books on Christmas Eve and spends the rest of the evening chatting and tearing into the new books. They do it “blind date” style and each person picks a book (can be new or used), wraps it in butcher paper, and includes a quick blurb about the author or the book chosen. Each relative chooses a book that they’re drawn to- after opening them they are allowed to trade if they have already read it. Both of these are not entirely eliminating gifts- but it’s a good way to start conversations about holiday spending.
Activities: My sisters and I grew up loving card games- so whenever we get together, we take it upon ourselves to learn and play at least one new game. This is especially good for passing down games my grandmother taught us to the next generation. Another holiday tradition I love is to let everyone write and draw on the tablecloths with indelible markers. The matriarch sets out the same tablecloths each year- there are over 40 years of signatures, funny drawings, and quotes from loved ones.
anon
What about doing an ornament swap instead of a big gift thing? Or decorate cookies together?
anon
+1
Ornament swap! Or a book swap? Still get a little excitement of getting something but without the headaches and materialistic implications of customary/consumerist gift giving. Plus you all like to read. I think someone here once mentioned that tradition and I thought it sounded lovely.
Also, make getting the tree and decorating it into a big event. (My personal fave, I generally forego gifts but I will go all out on a Christmas tree.)
Senior Attorney
My big Christmas thing is Cookie Day. I have been making and decorating cookies with my son since he was three months old! (Only missed two years when he was in Japan with the Marines.) Our work product ranges from okay to pitiful but we have a blast. We don’t usually do it on Christmas Day (although we have), and we invite whoever is around in the way of friends or whoever, and it’s always a highlight of the year.
Also: going to the movies on Christmas is fun because a lot of big movies open that day.
Anon
On the gift front, in the immediate family, siblings gives each other modest gifts (i.e. one gift per couple, usually under $50), but my siblings and their spouses and I usually give my parents decently extravagant gifts (probably $200 per parent per couple, could be one big gift or a variety of smaller gifts), but only because they’ve been so generous otherwise over the years. In the extended family, all the children get one gift from each family, and with extended family we do a white elephant with a $30 limit and steal back privileges (it ends up being quite a riot).
Anon
We do a Secret Santa among the adults and buy gifts only for our own kids. Our Secret Santa is baller though – $250 per participant. I always get something that substantially improves my life but that I would never think to buy for myself. Last year, I got a standing desk for my office that was awesome.
anon
My mom puts out a Christmas themed puzzle. It’s extremely low-key, and people drift to and from the kitchen table putting it together. She also gets company in the kitchen, but not people standing around in the middle of her work space.
Another activity–set out some basic art supplies (poster board, scissors, markers, maybe some glitter) and have everyone make ornaments for the tree. Again, this is something people can do (or not) as they wish.
Anonymous
My nuclear family (adult children with not children of our own) put an end to gift giving a few years ago and honestly it is the BEST. I enjoy the holidays so much more. My DH’s family is very big on gifts and is the cause of a lot of stress and arguments, I wish they would go no gifts too. We don’t have a tradition exactly because it depends on who is in town. But there is always a dinner, often we go to a movie. One year we went to a spa/sauna. I think just having the time off from work and spending time together is nice.
anon
Baking! I’ve always given cookies and cinnamon rolls as gifts to almost everyone, including family we visited at Christmas. And it’s also really fun to make them with my mom.
Senior Attorney
Oh, also this is not eliminating gifts entirely but you could do a Yankee Swap. It’s a fun activity and provides some gifts under the tree to appease anybody who just can’t give it up.
Lobbyist
Present stealing game? Thats one gift, not 0 but its fun and takes a while.
Coach Laura
I love all these ideas! Constructing a gingerbread house is fun and you can have a competition to see who makes the best one. They have kits at Costco and places like Michaels.
Our tradition has always been a family walk before dinner. We’re in Seattle so it usually isn’t too cold and rain we’re used to. In areas with crazy winters, you could snowshoe or cross-country ski.
AttiredAttorney
Gingerbread house construction and decoration is a favorite in my family.
While it’s not a total elimination of gifts, we’ve also transitioned to just doing stockings. So presents have to be small enough to fit in a stocking, and there’s a limit on the number of gifts. Sometimes this means expensive tiny things (jewelry, electronics), but usually, we stick to our stocking tradition of toiletries, socks, candy, etc. In my family, we’ve always wrapped presents that go into stockings, which also extends the opening time (it can take easily over an hour for our group of four to open stockings when/if we go one by one).
Anony
I’m a planner. I like to be ahead of the game. Obviously life only allows so much of that, but I’d love how people plan for the future without knowing what is to come.
For example, I’m a single mid-level Big Law Associate with no debt. But 10 years from now, I hope (very much so, though nothing currently on the horizon) to be married with kids. Now I make more money than I need. But 2 years from now I could be in the government and earning 1/3 of my current salary.
For now I just try and save as much as I can, while still having a few small extras that make life a little better. But sometimes I look out into the future and It’s complete opaqueness and it makes me anxious with the sense that I should be doing more. How financially plan for a future you have no idea what it will look like?
anon
I posted yesterday about the gun culture convo in my office. I ended up so upset I ended the day crying at my desk for the 1st time in years.
Back today with a specific question- what was I supposed to have done/said? I’m at work, and this is such the majority locally that it’s watercooler talk, thats why I had so much contextual knowledge yesterday. I can say for sure that it will come up again…
Anon
I feel the same way as you and I would just ignore it and not try to engage. I think I would end up more upset if I tried to engage. Leave and go to the bathroom. Put headphones on. Make a phone call. Just distract yourself from the conversation.
Anonymous
So I thought this might be a good question for everyone not just the moms-
DH and I have a babysitter who comes weekly for our “date night”. I always pay over minimum wage money for her driving because she’s basically not taking a four hour shift at another job to babysit for me and never cancel because it would be a jerk move to take away an opportunity for her. I also don’t want to lose her. Sometimes she cancels on me (she did the previous two weeks) and I don’t make a fuss over it.
Our child sleeps the entire time she is there. We are night potty training so there are occasions where she has to come change the sheets and put him back to bed but he goes down fast.
Husband was out of town (he gave me two days notice) and I didn’t cancel babysitting and went out with friends.
Husband and other people are surprised by this. Thoughts?
Anonymous
I’m with you — working moms don’t see their friends sans kids and sans doing couples-dates enough. I’ve done exactly this. If I have a sitter schedule, I am going to go out.
Anon
It’s fine. But also other people being “surprised” by this isn’t that big a deal. They’d do it differently. Whatever, you do you. If your husband told you it was inappropriate or something, I’d have a different reaction. But surprise is pretty benign.
Wow
I agree that it’s completely fine, but I know that my husband would probably say something about it too. He doesn’t go out with his friends the way I do. He would honestly rather spend it at home with the kids, so he’s surprised when I don’t feel the same way. Have a great time with your friends.
Anon
I don’t have kids, but this seems normal to me? You already had a babysitter lined up. Your normal plans (date night) fell through, so you made other plans. Were you supposed to just stay at home with your child because your husband wasn’t there to go out with you?
Z
You’re allowed to hang out with friends too. Why is that weird? Do they expect you to only be with your husband when you’re not with your kid? That’s archaic.
mascot
I’m not sure what is surprising about any of this. You have a sitter you like, you pay her well and are flexible in order to keep priority status when she books jobs, and you wanted to go out with friends and needed a sitter so you called her.
Either spouse should be allowed to call a sitter if their schedule dictates, right?
anon
I’m confused, surprised by what?
If it’s keeping a standing babysitter so that (1) you keep the babysitter–yes, win!–and (2) get to go out with your friends–um, good for you? Are people just thinking you shouldn’t spend babysitting money unless it’s for both you and your H? B/c that’s annoying.
If it’s what you pay–you might be paying over market but I’m not clear on that. Babysitters typically get paid substantially more per hour than minimin wage. I wouldn’t be inclined to pay her for driving time, unless you live substantially far away from the central metropolitan area, but do think we should pay babysitters well and, if it were me, I would pay a bit over market for the sake of consistency.
Example: When I was in college and law school, a particular family would schedule me to cover all (or a large majority) of the home football games for the season in late summer. I was okay doing that because I knew they paid over market for those dates. Otherwise, I might’ve been far less inclined to give up every home game.
Anon
Why are people surprised by this? Just because you are a mom, it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to go out with friends. That seems like a really normal thing to do to me. I actually find it concerning that husband was surprised by this. Do you not normally have nights out with your friends without him?
Anon
What’s weird was that anyone was surprised by this. I do think that people assume everyone’s budget in their social circle is the same as theirs, and a lot of people would rather save the money and stay home if their plans fell through. You could afford for her to babysit so you found something else to do, perfectly normal. It’s not weird that they would stay home or weird that you went out, just a personal choice.
Anon
My thoughts: it’s amazing how the moment sp-rm meets egg, everyone thinks they need to run your life for you.
You get an adult night out every week; your husband being away doesn’t change that. Why is this even an issue of your babysitter??
anon
Shocked that anyone’s surprised. You need friend time. That is a completely valid activity. No one loses here. I am not a mom but many of my friends are and it seems like logistics are one of the biggest challenges here- if you’ve already got that taken care of, why on earth wouldn’t you take advantage of it?
Senior Attorney
+1
I would be surprised if you didn’t take advantage of the sitter under these circumstances!
Never too many shoes...
I would get new friends. People who could not understand why I would want to go out to socialize are not my people.
Your husband though? I am not sure what that is even – do you not go out a lot without him?
Anon
+1. These “friends” sound judgmental and like they don’t have lives of their own.
Sarabeth
We basically only get the babysitter to come when one of us is out of town.
Anonymous
I’m literally doing this tonight. Can’t wait!
GCA
Surprised by what – that you didn’t cancel a standing sitter and went out with friends? That sounds 100% normal to me. You have the babysitter. You have the budget to pay her. You have friends you want to see (and I hope you enjoyed yourself!) This seems like a good use of a good sitter and a babysitting budget.
Anonymous
I think your husband and friends are rude and out of line.
Anonymous
I’ve done this. My husband was out of town; my friends wanted to go out and coordinating schedules with them is really tough, so I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to get together (this was the first time everyone’s schedule had been clear on the same evening in months and we weren’t able to get together again for months afterward). I got a sitter and went out – I didn’t drink as I was driving myself. I never thought a thing about it and when I told my husband he was happy for me. I guess I don’t get the people in your life who are looking at this askance. Are you not entitled to have a life and have fun just because you are a mom? F that. I would look at any veiled criticism as noise and ignore it. You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, good for you.
Anon-in-House
This is 100% normal. It preserves the schedule with her (like you, I try to NEVER cancel my sitters last minute – it’s not only respectful of their time, but it also sets the tone that I don’t cancel on her and she doesn’t cancel on me). Plus it gives you much-needed friend time. I’ve done this before and gotten a massage instead of gone out with friends too. I assume if you had a last minute work trip and your husband was invited to play poker (or whatever) and realized he had a sitter booked, he would go play poker. This is normal.
Anon
Wow! Anyone judging you for taking time to see your friends – while your kid is asleep – is a huge a-hole.
My kids are teens now but when they were kids, Tuesday’s were mommy’s night out, and best believe I never skipped it!
Horse Crazy
The bathroom in my house doesn’t have a fan, so it gets very humid in there. We leave the window and door open after we shower to help air it out, but its definutely damp. What kind of art would be ok to hang in there? I googled it and got mixed results – some say canvas, some say anything in a frame…does anyone have experience with this? Installing a fan isn’t an option right now – I rent the house. Thanks!
tesyaa
Maybe something cloth like a pretty tapestry?
The original Scarlett
My bathroom is like this, I’ve got an illustration in a frame, an unframed oil painting and an unframed giclee print. They’re all fine. I wouldn’t worry about it too much and just wouldn’t hang a Picasso or something in there ;)
PolyD
I have some photos in frames. In this day of digital photos, who cares if it gets ruined? Just print another one!
Mine is a picture I took in Morocco, of the leather tanning place they took us to. Seeing as allegedly urine is part of the tanning process, I figured it was appropriate.
Vicky Austin
Ha!
anon
We’ve gotten several pieces from Gina Krawez, a Minneapolis based artist. Her stuff is painted on wood, then sealed so it can go outside (or in our case in a humid bathroom). Might not be your taste but worth checking out.
eertmeert
I have framed vintage advertisements, they are fine. Our fan is on the fritz, so similar situation to yours.
One thing I’ve found to be super helpful with the humidity is a small, ceramic space heater. I plug it in and turn it on before my shower, leave it on for about 10 minutes after, unplug and store away. While it is running (medium setting) the mirror doesn’t fog up, even with super hot showers.
Anonymous
Whatever you want. If the condensation gets to it, replace it with something else.
I always have a floor fan around (i use it for white noise and air movement at night) and sometimes will blast it into my bathroom after I shower, to quickly circulate non-humid air into there. Helps a lot. (I also rent, and no fan to speak of.)
Anon
No art? You don’t have to hang art in your bathroom. I certainly don’t.
UPDATE: Snoop Dogg is my Neighbor?
Happened to meet the neighbors last night. They are a young adorable couple… who are 7 mos pregnant… which made me feel kind of like a jerk for filing complaints, even though the complaints have been valid as their music and w33d scent have really hindered the quiet enjoyment of my home. It came up in conversation that he has one of the first medical cards and uses his vape based on that, which I’m pretty sure means there’s nothing legally that can be done about the smell coming into my apt., right? (I’m assuming he is legally allowed to use his own prescription meds in his own home.)
Problem 1: How to do deal with the smell coming into my apartment. I’ve read about closing vents or blocking them with dryer sheets but I hot flash and live on a/c most of the year, so I’d cook myself if I closed or blocked the vents. Any other affordable ideas? I can’t just get used to it, the smell causes me nausea and triggers migraines for me.
Problem 2: Their baby is due in November. I know the walls must not be super solid since they’ve also had music that have led to noise complaints. What can I do to not go mad when the baby is up every 2 hrs or as often as babies are up and crying?
I can’t afford to move every time I don’t like my neighbors, I’m not in a position or desire to buy a single family home, so I need to figure out how to go back to enjoying my rental apt. the way I did before they moved in.
Anon
He can switch to edibles. It’s still illegal in your state even with a medical card.
Anonymous
No advice on Problem 1, but the baby may not be as much of an issue as you think. I once lived above a couple with 2 kids. The sound barrier was not great, and I could hear music and adults yelling, but I never heard either baby cry. Once the babies were toddlers, I could hear music from their plastic toys and drums, and it could be annoying, but it was during the day. If anything, run your AC or a fan or a noise machine, and I suspect you’ll be fine.
Ellen
In NY, the real property law deals with warranties of hability, and constructive eviction. I bet other states have these laws, as I bet stinky people exist in EVERY state. If the couple’s apartement stinks now, just wait until after the baby is born. You must file a complaint NOW with NYCHPD or call 311 and tell them your neighbor smells and it is effecting your habitability. Your state probably has a similar place to complain. You would not be the first to have issues with smelley neighbors and they can log your complaint and get the landlord to do something, either fix the stink or throw them out at end of lease. Good luck, and get rid of the FOOEY in advance! YAY!!!
Anon
What has your landlord said? I don’t remember from the first post. Is there anything that can be done to the building to mitigate at least the noise? But I kind of think this is the reality of apartment living and if it drives you crazy (it would drive me crazy!) you might just have to move. I’ve done that before because of terrible and loud upstairs neighbors.
OP
Landlord said they called, knocked on the door, and gave a 30 day notice to quit. However, when I was chatting up my neighbors, I hinted around about how the complex is expected to be quiet and smoking is not allowed and that maybe the management has already told them that but I know some other places are more lax. They said that no, they’d never heard a word from management.
Since he has a medical card, that makes his activities legal, as far as I understand it? So I don’t know if there is anything anyone can do. Not sure if baby crying would be some type of noise that breaks the lease because it’s not a choice the way blasting music would be.
Can’t move, not able to get out of this lease and anywhere I would move would be significantly more expensive, plus there’d be no guarantee of those neighbors being any easier to coexist with. :(
I just want my peace and scent-free home living back, darn it!
Anon
I think you should stop trying to be so nice. They stink and they’re stinking up the complex, nothing wrong with bluntly pointing that out and asking them to stop. You’ll never get what you don’t ask for.
Anonymous
I’m not sure that’s right. Even with a medical card, there can still be other limits on when/how you use. It’s legal in my state, but buildings can still prohibit you from smoking/vaping. I’d keep bringing it up with your building management.
Senior Attorney
It may be legal for him to possess and ingest cannabis, but as others have mentioned there are ways to do that without smoking or vaping. (Cannabis gummies for the win!!)
Anon
I was in a similar situation once, except with cigarette smoke, and I worked with the landlords to move into a new apartment in the same complex before my lease was up. If you are a good tenant, they will hopefully be motivated to keep you there (mine were reluctant at first until I got very serious about moving out).
anon
I very much doubt that the baby crying would be a noise that breaks the lease. It’s just humans living their lives in an apartment. Fair housing laws (assuming they apply) prohibit landlords from evicting a family because a newborn baby is crying, or because a woman is pregnant and a future baby might cry, or from creating rules that discriminate against children.
The pot smoking or vaping sounds like a problem that your landlord can and should address. I’d stay focused on that. Document your complaints to the landlord. If you bring up the pregnancy/baby, the landlord or manager is more likely to think you’re unreasonable and to dismiss your legitimate complaints.
SC
Is your building large enough that your landlord might allow you to move into a similar unit if/when one becomes available?
Anon
You haven’t said whether you directly asked the neighbors to stop smoking. If you haven’t done that, they may not realize the extent of the problem. You should also document it (in writing) to the landlord repeatedly.
OP
I didn’t because I am a woman living solo and I didn’t want to either make it unsafe if I upset them (since they know which unit is mine), cause them to potentially retaliate by smoking more, etc. I also thought that, if the landlord HAD been contacting them as repeatedly as the landlord said he has been, I’d just make things worse by outing myself as the neighbor who has been calling. :(
Anonymous
Omg you need to step it up. You met them. They’re nice. Just ask nicely.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Tell him the smell bothers you and ask him if there’s anything he can to reduce it. Get a white noise machine.
Coach Laura
I am wondering what is going to happen to the poor newborn who will be bathed in (legal or not) MJ smoke from day one and is probably even getting some second hand via mom’s system already. That is probably illegal regardless of his medical card. But OP that is not something you should worry about or control.
I’m with the folks saying your management should move you to another unit. If they truly have not said or done anything about it (as per the neighbor’s statements), continuing to try to get them to do anything is likely useless.
Anonymous
Yes, there is a major issue with the newborn being exposed to smoke of any kind; that’s a major risk factor for asthma and there’s also linkage to learning disorders in kids exposed to smoke – even wood smoke.
OP, the only real solution for you here is moving. It sucks but it happens. We moved last year because (among other reasons) our street had turned into mostly rental houses and the landlords refused to manage their tenants, so we ended up with a lot of bad neighbors. I would be more direct with your landlords about the problem and say you want to be moved into a similar unit at the earliest opportunity. They would probably rather move you than deal with constant complaints and tenant conflicts; that goes double if you start calling law enforcement or child protective services. You have to be your own best self-advocate in this situation. The neighbors are not going to change.
Possible solution
I ordered a spray from “veil” that is supposed to be designed to target that particular scent. (I live in an apartment and my neighbors’ smoke gets into my bathroom.) However, it arrived yesterday and I haven’t had a chance to use it yet. If my neighbors light up this weekend, I’ll try it out and post here on the results. I figured that for $20 it was worth a shot to try to get rid of the stank.
anne-on
Has anyone else seen this Ask Polly column about the letter writer’s inlaws trying to kill her by putting mushrooms in everything she’s served at their home? My goodness, I know some people don’t ‘believe’ in allergies but this was just next level!
https://www.thecut.com/2019/08/ask-polly-my-in-laws-are-careless-about-my-food-allergy.html#comments
January
I saw that! It seemed so crazy that I kind of wonder if it’s true (and I hate to say that).
Anon
I’m sure it’s true. People don’t believe in allergies and think they can “cure” people with hidden exposure.
anne-on
People get weirdly antagonistic about allergies. My parents refused to believe that my son’s allergy to dairy was the epi-pen type allergy, not the tummy-upset type lactose intolerance allergy. My mother kissed him on the cheek directly after having a piece of buttered toast and within 5 minutes there was a blistered red welt there, and I was on the phone with the emergency line trying to determine if we needed the epi-pen or could watch and wait with benadryl. At a family party a year or so after that my dad offered him a piece of cake covered in buttercream. It was fine because ‘he scraped the frosting off’. Uh, yeah, no. And they wonder why they don’t get to babysit unattended.
anon
There is no limit to people thinking they know what’s best. I know a serious coffee addict, whose granola mom gave him decaf without telling, meanwhile he is at her house in the middle of nowhere developing crippling migraine because of withdrawal. That’s just unnecessary.
Anon
There is a member of my family who is legitimately homicidal and… yeah, this person is not a good person. My family gave up on trying to contain the crazy and just went along with it (exactly as Heather describes in this column), and I finally had to cut my family off from contact.
This person has also made comments about how allergies are made up and people should just slip the allergy sufferer some peanuts or whatnot to show that it’s all about attention and not a medical issue.
So I at least think it’s real, because I have a family like this. However, they don’t get near my husband to try their sick games on him, because my marriage is more important than these whackos.
BabyAssociate
That’s so insane I almost have to question whether it’s real.
Anon
This kind of thing is a regular occurance at the JustNoMIL subreddit and it makes me want to marry an orphan.
Anon
There was one story on that forum that I always hope is fake – a MIL who did not believe in her grandchild’s coconut allergy, used coconut oil in her hair (I think?) and the child died.
Senior Attorney
I married an orphan. An only child/orphan/childless/widower.
It’s the best.
Anon
That sounds really sad for him.
Senior Attorney
It was until I came along. ;)
I often wish I could have met his parents because they sound awesome.
Anon
Why is it sad? She’s not talking about a 40-something guy… her husband is in his 70s (right ?) – almost everyone has lost their parents by then and many people have lost spouses/siblings. So it’s really sad that he’s… childless? Lots of people live happy and fulfilled lives without kids, plus now he has a stepson thanks to SA.
Senior Attorney
Haha the night before our wedding I told him to enjoy his last night of having no family because he was about to inherit two 90-somethings and a 30-something! So far he has taken it all in stride like a champ!
Coach Laura
SA – that’s so cute. Love it.
Anon
A friend sent me that because it reminded her of my ex in laws. I feel sad that she was not wrong.
Anonymous
I’m surprised that people are surprised by this. A lot of people refuse to believe in allergies and/or refuse to believe in very severe allergies. I really don’t understand what is hard to comprehend about the concept that some people have medical needs that are different from your own. But a fair number of people just do. not. accept it.
I have a severe dog allergy, though not quite as severe as LW’s mushroom allergy, and it is exhausting to explain to people. “When I said severe I meant it, this is not the sniffles, you will be calling an ambulance if I am in an enclosed space with a dog for ~30 minutes.” And people still don’t get it. At a former job, some coworkers wanted to have a bring your dog to work day. I told HR, if they do that, I can’t be in the office that day and the office would need to be thoroughly cleaned before I could come back. HR nixed the day and told everyone it was because of me (thanks!). Someone still brought their dog into the office – they also tried to bring the dog into MY office and acted shocked when I told them to get out. “I didn’t realize you were afraid of dogs, don’t worry, he won’t hurt you!” I can’t.
Vicky Austin
I probably would have rioted. I love dogs as much as the next person, but that’s beyond rude.
Anonymous
I’m not defending these people — I’m really not — but do you think people of a certain age “don’t believe” in REAL medical emergency type of allergies because allergies are just more common now than they were 20 or 50 years ago? Likely they never even knew anyone with a severe allergy their whole life and now people are telling them their grandkid can’t eat X, Y, Z or else they need an epi pen? It’s foreign to them and then in their misguided way they respond with — oh every kid eats cake, he just won’t eat frosting, NBD, he’ll get used to it after he eats it a few times . . . . Not realizing it will result in a true medical emergency??!
Anonymous
I’m the dog allergy poster above. I mean maybe? But the dude who tried to bring his dog into my office was born after 1990. Intentional ignorance definitely is not limited to older generations.
Anon
Maybe. For all I know, the kids with allergies back then just died and it was a big mystery why, if the same people were as clueless then as they are now.
Anonymous
Yes I think allergies have become MUCH more prevalent. There are studies on this — IDK if the cause is known though some of it is thought to be all the cleanliness/wipes/sanitizers in addition to the fact that we aren’t a rural society anymore that has any regular contact with dirt. I imagine some of it is that there is a lot more testing now so it is known what the allergy is to. Not that ANY of this excuses a grandparent or anyone ignoring/refusing to believe someone else’s medical info. I mean who does that?? If you say your kid is super allergic to butter and needs an epi pen if he comes in contact with it — I assume you figured this info out via doctors, hospital, and testing. Who is a grandparent — or anyone — to say — nah, all kids love toast and butter, I’m sure it’s fine?! Uh — I think the allergist who went through 8+ years of post college training knows better than me, a non-allergist??
Anon
I think terrible people exist in all generations.
Anon
Whenever people say “allergies are a new thing, no one had them before environmental factors yada yada” I point out that my 95 year old father has had severe nut allergies and other food allergies his whole life. Surprise, so does one of my kids!
Anonymous
Of course there have always been allergies, but it’s about a statistical rise in allergies. Your sample size = 1. How many peers/classmates did your 95 year old father had who had allergies like him? Now how many peers/classmates does an average 8 year old today have with allergies? There are classrooms that will post lists of who is allergic to what – so that it isn’t given to them accidentally – the lists are significant and can be 1/3 or 1/2 of the class now with a food allergy. Do you think your 1/2 of your father’s class had similar allergies?
Anon
“1/3 to 1/2 of a typical class” is a bit hyperbolic. 2 years ago I worked in a school with 400 PK-8th grade students and there were fewer than 10 students in the entire school with allergies that warranted alerts/postings (and I did lunch duty, so I knew who those kids were). There were more students who had dietary restrictions because of milder, non-threatening allergies, lactose intolerance, etc., but even that was only 2 or 3 kids in a grade of 40.
Anon
I also really doubt that 1/3 to 1/2 of a typical class has allergies. I do think that we are a lot more knowledgeable about food intolerances than even 20 years ago when I was in elementary school, and so we are going to have more knowledge along the likes of “John doesn’t drink milk, Sue doesn’t eat bread, ect.”
Anon
It’s a control issue, not a knowledge issue.
Anon
I think this is it. I’m always amazed when I travel how seriously my dietary restrictions are taken in other countries. In the US, I’m generally treated like a dishonest snowflake diva and still can’t trust what I’m served.
Anon
Hey, I posted a few days about about dreading a work convo that I knew was going to be confrontational but needed to happen. Thanks for all the good vibes. Wanted to report back that it FINALLY happened, and it turned out not bad at all. Turns out work superior actually wasn’t upset with me at all, just a little frustrated with some work dynamic about other employees and it got blown out of proportion. Also he wants to introduce me to an important client!
Senior Attorney
Hooray! Thanks for the update!
Gifts at the Office
Today is my birthday. My new assistant gave me a birthday card and a gift card. I don’t believe in gifting up at the office, which I explained to my previous assistant but hadn’t thought to do it yet. I’m going to explain my no-gifting-up policy either way, but do I return the gift card or not? I don’t want to look ungracious or offend.
The Original ...
Don’t return it or do anything but thank them now. Then maybe after a big project or a stressful week, give them a thank you note and a gift card of the same amount so it can feel more “even” to you? At a time when holidays are nearing, you could say something about not gifting up as a way to give a heads up not to buy you a gift, and it wouldn’t come across as scolding them for gifting you in the past or embarrassing them for not already knowing that etiquette because it would be far enough from when they gifted up.
The Original ...
PS Happy Cake Day! :D
anon
happy birthday!
Can you use it to get something to share with everyone in the office?
Senior Attorney
That sounds like a good idea.
Emma
I need help–I went off estrogen birth control due to a pulmonary embolism. I immediately gained 15 pounds in the first few months (all in my stomach–hello stretch marks). I’m not doing anything different for diet and exercise (if anything, I’m doing better about it), I’m definitely not pregnant, and my doctor has tested my thyroid and cortisol. I’m terrified this weight gain will continue and I won’t be able to stop it. My doctor isn’t offering much help, she wrote me a prescription for phentermine, but I’m not wild about taking that. Anyone else have this experience? How do I make it stop?!
The Original ...
You didn’t mention your age, maybe there’s something tied in there. If your doc doesn’t see a problem, this may just be weight changes due to age. If your doc doesn’t see a problem because you feel like doc doesn’t care or isn’t listening, see a new doc.
Emma
I just turned 35. It did happen right as I went off the estrogen though, so I really feel like it has to be related.
Anon
I saw a job posting in an org where someone I know works. The person I know is in a different unit but would almost certainly know people in that unit. She and I have recently chatted about the fact that I was starting to explore a move, and were fairly close at a prior job. I know that she generally thinks highly of me. I emailed her to say hello and said that I saw the posting and wanted to know if she thought it would be a good fit for me. She has not responded, and I can’t help but think that this reflects badly on the position or on me but I don’t know which way. But it’s only been two days, which doesn’t feel like that long to not respond. I was going to sit down and do several job applications this weekend but it feels weird for some reason to apply to this one without having heard back from her first. Am I overthinking this?
The Original ...
Maybe she emailed someone to ask about the job and they didn’t respond. Maybe she’s swamped at work. Maybe she is a million other reasons why she hasn’t responded. Apply for the job. Worst case you don’t get hired, which is exactly where you are right now; not working for them. Plus, if she did email someone or if she emails you back encouraging you to apply, you’ll already have name recognition there!
Hope this helps! Sincerely, A Fellow Overthinker
Anon
Yep, you’re overthinking :) Apply away!
Anonymous
I would not take it as a bad sign. Entirely possible that she is waiting for a period of time when she can focus and give you a longer, more detailed response.
Or, that she is thinking about how best to tell you something… hard… about the position or the organization.
Or she is on vacation and didn’t put up an ooo message.
Go ahead and apply… you, or they, can always step away from the table, but you have to BE at the table to start.
AFT
Also, it’s a super common vacation time… she may be out, hiring manager may be out, HR may be out, etc.
I’d give it a week before you give up all hope! Are you sure you’re using a solid email address for her – one that you know she checks and that she has used with you recently?
AFT
And I agree – go ahead and apply, and maybe after the week has passed, you could send a follow up email saying “Hi Susie, I sent ahead and applied to the job. If you have any insight or could put in a good word, I’d appreciate it! Here’s a current copy of my resume for your reference.” If no response to that… honestly, drop it and don’t consider her a resource going forward.
Go for it
Apply! And in the future, I would not ask if someone from a different team thinks it would be a good fit for me (how would they know/does their opinion even matter?) but would instead say I’m planning to apply and wanted to let them know as a courtesy/also would be curious to hear more about their experiences with the company so far and their knowledge of the role.
Dating A Friend's Son?
I have a friend who is older than me. She has adult children, including twins. Said twin men are in their early 20s (I am in my mid 30s). I’ve known the friend for 15+ years but knew her individually. While I’ve been to her home a few times (we live many states apart and typically meet elsewhere), I have only met her sons twice. It was a joke a month or two ago that she ought to hook me up with the one of them who is single because she raised good men and because at least I’d know I’d like my in-laws. The conversation then moved on. However, this has come up a few times since.
How do I let her know that I’d be open to that if there was a way to make that introduction without it being super weird and on the spot for her son? I have no idea if we would get along in that sense, but my friend and I are on the same page with our beliefs and values and her adult children often volunteer with her, plus her son is quite attractive, so it could work in theory.
I don’t want to make this weird for anyone nor do I want her to think I’m not interested if she’s been “joking” as a way of seeing if I would be interested. Guidance please!
Anon
I would just leave it alone. It sounds like this kid is more than 10 years younger than you and lives far away from you, and most guys in their early 20s are not looking to settle down with someone 10 years older. Best case outcome seems to be that you causally date for a little bit, and things are weird with your friend. Worst case outcome is that you lose your friendship. And nothing you have said indicates that the guy is in any way interested in dating you.
If you can’t just leave it alone, I would respond to her comment with something like, he does sound like the kind of guy I’m looking for.
Anon
+1
Early 20s is a brand new adult. A 10+ year age gap with someone in their early 20s is much weirder than the same age gap with someone in their late 20s. Plus people in their early 20s tend to be going through a lot of changes (education, development of the prefrontal cortex, transition into a career or grad school), which means there’s a power imbalance between them and older people who have already gone through those changes and are more established in life.
Senior Attorney
Next time she brings it up, say “If you are serious I would totally be open to that! And if you are just messing with me by dangling those fabulous me in front of me for no reason, that’s cool too and I will control myself next time I see them!”
Or, you know, similar.
Senior Attorney
Heh. Fabulous MEN.
Anon
Is a man who is 15 years younger than you and barely out of college going to be anything but a hookup? I’m not judging you for wanting to hook up with a cute younger guy, but I wouldn’t want to have just a hookup with a friend’s son. I think it’s going to be weird for all involved. If there was a possibility of you marrying this guy, the weirdness might be worth pushing through, but I don’t think there really is.
FFS
Yep. Leave it alone.
Anonymous
How good of a friend is this? If you get introduced and start something–what happens when it ends? I’m not really sure that this has an upside for you if it doesn’t end in a long and fruitful marriage. I know this is a negative Nelly approach–but if you are dating a friend’s son–it can get awkward very fast…
Anonymous
No no no do not do this. In no way is she open to this.
Anon
When I was in college, I had a friend go through this (except with the genders swapped). She was in her early 20s, he was in his mid-30s and friends with her parents. They started dating long-distance and things were really weird. There was an imbalance because she was a poor college student and he had his degrees and had been working and saving for 10+ years. Her parents tried to be open with her and encouraged her to make her own decisions, but she still felt pressure to make the relationship “work” (aka end in marriage) because her parents were friends with the guy. She was navigating college and young adulthood and he was already long past those experiences. When she graduated, she essentially ended up following him around because he already had the established job, home, etc. and so her career and preferences ended up taking a back seat just because it “made sense” to go with what was known and successful, aka him.
I know people who have healthy, long-lasting relationships despite a 10 or 15-year age difference, but all of those relationships started when the younger person was at least in their late 20s and out of the transition-to-adulthood stage of life.
Anon for this
How long do you sit in the salon chair for a single process color? I got to the salon at 10am (first appointment) … and was washed at 11:30, but still sitting in the chair at 11:45 for a bang trim. Is that excessive to you for the type of service? I’m trying to figure out how to optimize my time and not spend all day at the salon unnecessarily.
Senior Attorney
That seems too long. My colorist sets the timer for 30 minutes for the color and I’m out of there in 90 minutes total including blow dry.
Anonymous
That seems long. It takes about 2.5 hours for a bayalage for me, on medium to long hair. I haven’t done single process but I imagine it’s supposed to be simpler.
Anon for this
… and was the 2.5 hours balayage and blow dry?
Worry about yourself
I think my cut n colors (single process) take roughly 90 mins, last time I got the color refreshed it had to sit for 40 mins, and that was at a new place, I forget how long it took at my old salon but I think 30-45 is standard? Maybe? I wouldn’t think color needs to sit for longer than 45.
Original Moonstone
Every visit to my stylist is a two-hour ordeal, but I put up with it because her prices are so good. The color takes maybe 15 minutes to apply and then sits on my head 40 minutes to cover the gray. After the color is washed out, she trims and blows dry. In theory, it should take about 80 minutes but she works on other customers in-between so everything takes longer. Did I mention she’s half the price of a more efficient stylist?
Cat
For highlights on my medium length hair + a wash, cut, dry, it’s 90 mins if I’m doing a partial foil or 2 hours for a full foil.
Anon
How much is resonable amount of rent to pay for a single person accomodation in NYC? Studio is fine, although ideally 1 bedroom. I work in a different city but will be taking time off work and going to NYC for a year for grad school, either NYU or Columbia. Dorms for grad students at NYU are nearly $4-5k/month for a decent sized studio apartment (350-450 sq ft) — is this normal?? or am I better off trying to find a different accomodation?? I’m mid 30s and really prefer to have my own bathroom.
Anon
Never lived in NYC, but I read The Hunt column every week so I’m going to say you can find something for less than $4k/month that has it’s own bathroom. It does sound like getting an apartment in NYC is it’s own special kind of h3ll, though.
NYC Engineer
I’m paying 2.6k for a decent sized one bedroom in Hells Kitchen with amazing transit access – the catch for my place is that it’s a fourth floor walk up and the property management is a little flaky. You can definitely find a one bedroom for less than 3k in manhattan, it just won’t be in a new or luxury building. Everyone here uses Streeteasy for apartment hunting, and it’s important to be here in person to apartment hunt because there’s plenty of places that look fine on the listing and then terrible in real life. Good luck, it’s not as bad as people make it out to be!
Anon
My info is all out of date, so no help, but wow, the cost of dorms at NYU has apparently really gone up over the past 10 years. When I lived in the law apartment dorms, it was less than $2k a month for a room in a 2-bedroom apartment.
Anon
It depends on how long you are willing to commute to school. There are much much cheaper options, but you will have a subway commute, not a 10 minute walk. Anything walking distance to NYU is going to be insane, Columbia slightly less insane but close. If you post how much you are willing to spend and what kind of vibe you are looking for, people can advise you on which neighborhoods to consider.
For example, there’s Bay Ridge, which is very very far out in Brooklyn, but it has great restaurants and bars and coffee shops, beautiful parks and is a great place to live. Commute is about an hour to NYU; many of the more hip neighborhoods are also relatively far. Studios are $1200-1500 a month.
anon
Columbia is less insane than NYU in terms of rates (I just looked at their ranges online). The catch is, for studios, they prioritize couples over singles, and for 1-BRs, they prioritize people with kids over couples. So OP might not get a single studio through Columbia. (None of my single friends at Columbia had studios, but I don’t know if that was by choice/due to budget or if that was because of limited supply.) Also, hopefully things have changed since I was there 10 years ago, but Columbia did not give housing assignments until right before my program started, so a week or two before we moved from across the country, DH and I had no idea whether we would have an apartment to move into, or would need to arrive in NYC and apartment hunt while I started school. The existence of AirBNB would make this slightly less stressful today, but it’s not ideal.
Batgirl
That’s insane, don’t do grad housing. You can find a 1BR for less than that if you’re willing to commute.
Anon
I’m going to do some paid side work and am required by company policy to formally disclose this to my employer. I assume before I submit the paperwork to HR, I need to give my boss a heads up. Is this something that can be done over email or do I have to talk to him in person? If I can email, does anyone have a script? This work is really minimally paid, and is for a cause I care about, so I think of it as essentially volunteer work – is it appropriate to mention the low pay? I don’t want to make it seem like I’m whining that my side gig isn’t paying me enough (since that’s obviously not my boss’s problem), but I think mentioning the low pay might alleviate concerns that I’m using this gig as a way to transition out of my full-time career.
Anon
I would cc- your boss on the paperwork you send to HR, and maybe tell her beforehand that it’s being sent in.
Her concerns are going to revolve around your schedule and availability.
“Dear Linda from HR,
Attached, please find my form X9-30 regarding my paid side employment. I am being employed for approximately 5-10 hours a week by Do Good Non-Profit, performing database analysis, for $10/hour. The work is to be performed after normal working hours and on the weekends, with no tight deadlines that would impact my work at General Business. Please let me know if you have any questions.”