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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
I have very shady both front and back yards and I hate mowing. Has anyone here ever replaced their lawn with … I’m not even sure what I want. Maybe a brick patio? Or a rock garden? I would like lower maintenance grounds.
anon.
How big? We had a very shady, narrow side yard that refused to grow much grass (except of course enough to require occasional mowing). We had crushed limestone/ limestone gravel brought in and covered it, and it’s worked very well. I’d definitely suggest something permeable like that for water management.
Anonymous
Do it!!! I dream of the day I can!
Fishie
I think you are looking for ground cover. I’m no expert and would recommend consulting a landscaper, but in my experience ground cover can also be a PITA because weeds. That said, pachysandra, hosta, and ferns tend to do well in shade. You may want to google “shade ground cover” and your climate zone and see what other interesting things you find. A good landscaper/landscape architect may be able to help you design something pretty cool.
Anonymous
Work with a landscape architect to get something suitable for your area. I initially loved that our front yard was landscaped with plants/trees/bushes and a pea gravel path but honestly it’s much more work to maintain than the back yard which is just grass. Our neighbors pay gardeners to come weekly to take care of their similar set up but we don’t have that in our budget.
Anonymous
My front yard used to be ivy. I hated it so much that I dug it out, but it was very popular in the 50’s.
Anonymous
Where are you? In the SE, lawns have very little grass. Maybe you could look on Google or Pinterest for some ideas searching Arizona lawns or something. But if it’s really wet where you live, it might not be the best option for you. I’d probably look at a stamped concrete patio and some landscaping with plants that do well in shade. Hostas are one, but they get a little boring without something else mixed in, IMO. Maybe some ornamental grasses?
Minnie Beebe
Yes, I’ve done this at a house on a city lot (i.e. small) with a north-facing front lawn. We pulled out the (dead) grass, had a few pavers installed to make a path to the side, where the hose hookup was located. Then planted some ground cover, a few ferns and hostas.
In the little patch between sidewalk and street, we put in crushed stone and a couple of hostas, along with a pair of decorative “big rocks”– we wanted to get rid of the grass there so we wouldn’t need to mow that tiny patch, but also because neighborhood dogs were killing the grass anyway.
Scarlett
Yes, I took out our backyard grass and replaced it with paver stone. Now, I’m in a city so it looks fine as the yards are just little spaces to start with. Our grass was basically a weed patch and now I only have to deal with the plants around the edges a few times a year.
Sarabeth
We did this with our back yard. From an environmental perspective, please consider using permeable pavers! Storm water runoff is a major source of water pollution, it’s much better for the water to get filtered through the earth.
We are very happy with our back patio/yard. We actually had ivy there before, put in by a previous owner. It was low maintenance, but we couldn’t actually use the space. Now we have a table and chairs out there so we can eat dinner outside.
We went with cast concrete pavers. They are made from a special concrete that is semi-permeable, and they are installed with enough space between them to let the water run through. The bonus is that they are strong enough to park a car on, which we occasionally do (our driveway runs to the back yard and can only fit two cars; if we have guests who need to park, we use the patio for extra parking space). Our neighbors have flagstone/slate which is also lovely, and we would have gone with that if parking weren’t a consideration.
The only downside is that it doesn’t work well as a kids play area. This is not a problem for us because we live across the street from a park with an enormous grassy field, so our kids play there. But it is something to think about if you anticipate having kids play in that area.
Our (tiny) front yard is landscaped with shade-friendly, low-maintenance plantings. Mostly hostas plus a yew bush and another small bush. I weed/prune once a year and otherwise don’t touch it.
Anon
I have replaced a large part of my back lawn with pavers so now I have two patios rather than one. It’s much, much better this way. We use both areas all the time and really never used the grass. I still have a patch of grass in the middle but it’s much easer to maintain. I did it for drainage purposes but it turned out to be a really good aesthetic change too.
In the front yard i have basically two circles of lawn surrounded by deep flowerbeds. I would like to replace the lawn with hardscape but I need to save my pennies for a while.
Anonymous
Great ideas, everyone, thank you so much! The front is two patches of yard about 20×20 feet. The back is maybe twice that. In my area we get 4 seasons, pretty cold to pretty hot, and lots of precipitation.
I have an irrational hatred of hostas for no reason at all but i do like the ornamental grass idea. Love the idea of 2 patios. I will keep thinking, i did not consider pintrest so I will for sure check that out.
Thank you all!!
Anon
The cheap version of the above is to reseed with short grass cover clover. Most varieties stop growing at 4 inches, it requires no cutting, grows dense enough to cut out weeds, looks super green and lush and thrives in harsh conditions. Adding a deck and some pavers to get to and from will make it look intentional. Clover lawns used to be very popular for the above stated properties.
Anon
In the backyard of a townhouse I rented (where I was responsible for the yard), they had random pieces of rock (definitely honed, but I don’t think it was slate), sort of laid out randomly, but nothing around them or to hold them in, with two flower beds. I did a massive cleanout of the beds, laid down landscaping fabric to help with weeds, put some mulch on top and then some nice azaleas in pots along the fenceline (recommend a shade loving plant instead). For the middle, I laid grass seed between the pavers and just used a weed whacker to “mow” it every few weeks, but the grass had the added benefit of 1) stabilizing the pavers so they didn’t rock back and forth when you walked across them and 2) helping “use up” rain water – before it used to just turn into stepping stones across the mudpit where the water wasn’t ponding. The drainage was vastly improved with the plants vs. bare soil between the pavers. I imagine you could do the same thing with another type of ground cover.
lsw
Yup, replaced our small urban backyard with a brick patio and landscaping. No regrets!
Miss
Yes. I have a quarter acre with a circular drive and replaced almost all the grass in front and put deep beds in back. I hired a landscape designer to plan it and she chose a variety of plants that are drought tolerant (I live in the mountain west) and provided four-season interest (e.g. dogwoods with colored bark and grasses). I planted everything and used mulch to suppress weeds until the plants got full size. It takes much less maintenance than a lawn. I only deadhead if I want to and other than that just do spring and fall cleanup and some light weeding. I get tons of compliments on my yard and love seeing it change throughout the year.
Anon
I’m dealing with this right now – we decided on a fire pit. Grass struggles in one large, somewhat isolated shady corner of our lawn. The plan is to rent sod cutter, lay landscape fabric and an edging to help contain the stone, and have a load of bulk pea rock or crushed limestone dropped off for us to rake into place. You can buy some nice-looking fire kits at Home Depot with a liner and stone facade. We have an open iron fence, so we are adding some shade-tolerant hedges behind the fence (still our property) for a little buffer.
Never too many shoes...
We have no lawn front or back. Front is a perennial garden (south facing so full sun in summer) with two small boxes that I fill with annuals once the spring tulips have died. Back is a large raised flower bed, about half perennials (including a giant raspberry bush) and the other half is a vegetable garden. The rest of the backyard is a garden shed, a bit of pavement and a two level deck attached to the house with bbq on top level, large stairs that can be used for seating and then table and chairs on the lower deck with planters all around and solar lights.
We live in a large city in Canada for reference.
Anonymous
This sounds like heaven!
Leah
Search for ground cover by USDA hardiness zone. Cross-reference by the type of pests common to your area (we have to worry about voles). We converted to ground cover in most of our yard because it’s too steep to safely mow.
anon gardener
Patio or deck and bbq area plus shade perennials – hostas (go variegated and plain) aren’t the only option. pinterest shade gardens. turtleheads (cute purple flowers) a million kinds of ferns (painted, cinnamon, turned fronds!), hucheras/hucherellas – SO MANY OPTIONS! :)
be aware that pavers can form a layer of slime or moss that is VERY slippery, plan accordingly. : D
Rainbow Hair
I have and thoroughly enjoy this polka dotted sheath: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-printed-sheath-dress-created-for-macys?ID=6358361
NOLA
That’s pretty! I’m a total sucker for polka dots. I’ve been looking at these very expensive leggings where some of the dots are mickey mouse heads. I don’t know why I think I need them…
Godzilla
Um, those sound amazing. You should have purchased them YESTERDAY!
NOLA
They are adorable, but leggings for almost $100. I just can’t right now!
https://www.terez.com/collections/women-printed-performance-leggings/products/mickey-mouse-and-minnie-mouse-polka-dot-foil-tall-band-leggings
Elegant Giraffe
That is darling, RH.
Brittany
Good morning everyone! I usually just paint my nails at home but I’m thinking about getting gel/shellac/dip or some other long lasting nail polish. I didn’t realize there were so many choices now! What’s the difference between them and what do you prefer? I’ve had gel once and didn’t like that they shave down the top of your nails and my nails were very weak when they took it off. Is that unavoidable?
Anonymous
If you’re getting any kind of artificial nail or tips, yes, they will file your nails down. Plus any kind of nail treatment will damage your nails to a degree.
Shellac – polish that is cured under a UV light. Fairly chip proof, lasts like 2 weeks if done well.
Dip – my favourite. It’s a powder, not a nail polish. Dries instantly, no lights needed, lasts literally forever, does not chip or budge. You do have to go to a professional to get it removed. Much less damaging.
cbackson
Repeated shellac/gel manicures will weaken your nails, but the primary culprit is salons that aren’t patient enough with the removal. I’ve never had them file my nails prior to putting on the gel, but I did once go to a place that wasn’t my usual and they didn’t leave the acetone on long enough during removal, so they really damaged my nails aggressively using tools to get the last traces off.
cat socks
I’m not sure what the difference is between shellac and gel. I’ve only gotten gel manicures where you put your hands under the UV light. I’ve never had my nails shaved down for a gel mani. They shape and trim (if needed) my natural nails.
I am bad about peeling of the gel polish when it starts to lift off my nails. I’ve gotten them professionally removed before where they soak my nails in an acetone cotton pad and then scrape of the polish with an orange stick.
I would like to try dip nails, but my regular nail salon doesn’t have them yet.
You can also search on YouTube for videos of the different application types.
Anonymous
I had on glitter polish that the manicure place took off with a Dremel tool — not a fan (of either now).
Anon
A similar good at home option is to use a gel extension to cover your nails/at home gel. I use ibd or gelish polygel and a regular nail polish on top. It lasts much longer than adhering to the regular nail and you remove same as regular gel (file the acetone soak, repeat until off)
Anon
I get gel/shellac every 2 weeks or so. I do think my nails are thinner when they take it off, but they are stronger when the polish is on, which is always. I’ve always had weak, peeling nails so this is pretty much the only way they consistently look nice. I keep them quite short (the ladies at the salon are always asking if I’m sure I want them that short!) and I just love how they look.
I have two nails that have vertical ridges that grow from the cuticle to the tip of the nail. These are the nails that tend to split. So I ask them to put “powder” on them when they are prepping my nails and that seems to do a good job of preventing from them from splitting. Powder is a combination of soemthing like super glue and acrylic powder. It forms a thin, strong coat before the polish is put on.
In terms of how they make your nails thinner, they don’t exactly file down the top of your nail. They give it a quick buff with a fine file to give it a slightly rougher surface for the gel base coat to adhere to.
Find a salon you like and go there every time instead of skipping around. I sometimes get my nails done when I’m traveling and I always regret it.
Anonymous
I prefer to do my nails at home and use the Essie Couture Gel. I get a least a week of wear (usually longer) and by that time I am ready to change my polish.
Anon
I do my own gel nails at home. I use an LED light, not a UV light. Supposedly, the LED is not as damaging to your skin as UV. Your nails have to be buffed so that the natural shine is gone before you start applying the gel. To remove, they should be buffed again so that the shine to the polish is gone. Then, the nails are soaked in acetone. If they are done right, the polish should push right off with an orange stick. If the tech is too aggressive with buffing or is actually filing, your nails can get damaged really quickly. Resist the urge to peel the polish off if it starts to lift from your nails as that can cause a lot of peeling with your actual nails. Gel will definitely thin your nails even when done right, but when the gel is on my nails, they are much stronger with less breakage than with regular polish. It seems to work best if you are going to religiously keep gel on your nails rather than only do gel occasionally.
C2
I get gels occasionally for big events or before I go on vacation, probably not even once a quarter. I used to have gel constantly, and when I finally stopped, my nails took forever to recover. But, when I have it done once and removing it myself, it doesn’t seem to leave damage. I leave them on until they start to chip or grow out noticeably – 2-3 weeks. There are plenty of online tutorials to remove gel nails. The key is to not scrape or gouge or peel the gel off the nail – it will take a layer of your nail with it.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m thinking of buying a Dange Dover bag, either the Classic or Midi Tote. Can anyone comment on the sizing and is it worth the price? I want a bag that is large enough to hold the basics (wallet, phone, snacks, water bottle, charger, cosmetics bag, etc) but not so large that is it cumbersome on the bus/subway on my commute in NYC where we are all packed in. I also like that it has all those pockets unlike my current one which is just a big empty tote and everything moves around. TIA!
Legally Brunette
They’re beautiful but very very heavy. Even with nothing in them, they are heavy. I returned mine. They sell them at Nordstrom now, fyi, in case you want to buy it there.
Anon
I have and love the DD Legend, but it is heavy. I have a car commute so it works for my purposes, but if I had to walk any part of it, I’d have to get a different bag. It is a GREAT bag though – literally my only complaint is the weight. (And that’s rare for me!!)
Brunette Elle Woods
Ok that totally changes things for me because I pick a ton in my bags and I walk at least 2.5 miles a day (NYC commuting) Any suggestions/brands for a lighter bag? I need something black, sturdy, will last, zip top, ideally several compartments for organization. Must be under $300.
jwalk
Lo & Sons gets recommended here a lot, particularly the OG or OMG.
I also have Dagne Dover and love it, get tons of compliments, still looks brand new after more than a year of near-daily use, but others are right that it is definitely heavy.
Annie
MZ Wallace?
MZ fan
I second MZ Wallace for a walking commute. I know they’re expensive for nylon, but I love mine and it’s held up really well.
BabyAssociate
I have the Lo & Sons Seville 15″ and also walk at least 2 miles a day. It works well for me. I’m not personally a fan of the OG or OMG, but people really seem to like them
Anon
Try Tumi if there’s a store near you
https://www.tumi.com/p/mauren-tote-01099791041/
My tumi totes have worn like iron.
Anon
Cuyana
Is it Friday yet?
Lo & Sons TT or Brookline. I have a Brookline, and it’s great (and much lighter that the Seville, which is my current car commute bag).
MJ
Victorinox! They have some great bags on e-bags that are nylon, look like Tumi, but are way more organized. They wear like iron. I have two in two different colors. Love them!
AIMS
I like this but find that BB Red Fleece fits me a bit funny on top. Almost like there is too much fabric at the shoulder. Is this something that’s easy to tailor or would the alterations need to be extensive and t/f expensive?
Anonymous
I recently was trying on dresses at a Brooks Brothers store and had the same problem. They told me I should really be looking at petite dresses, because they’ll be narrower through the shoulders and bust, which I need. Not sure how tall you are. I’m 5 foot 4 inches, so would need to be careful about length. Some dresses I could probably do petite, but not others. Now is probably a good time to look for petite dresses, with the midi length being popular.
Cat
I agree. I was trying on dresses a month ago; when the waist actually hit me at the right place, the top of the shoulders had 1/2″ to 1″ too much fabric at the top. For a sheath dress this shouldn’t be hard to fix if there’s already a seam at the top of the shoulder, but I’m not going to bother at ALL with sleeved dresses from them if this wonky fit continues.
anon
I’m so annoyed. I’m the poster who has asked previously how to even out the housework between me and my partner. I took the hive’s advice and we clearly assigned tasks. He is responsible for vacuuming, dusting, taking out the recycles, and cleaning the bathrooms. I still have to ask for these things to be done. Like, he seems to think cleaning the bathroom means wiping the dust off the counter and spraying Tilex in the bathtub. He does not clean the mirrors, he does not scrub the toilet bowl, etc. I’m going crazy. I don’t like any of my options, which are to do everything or to have to live with his share being done so poorly or to break up with him because he’s lazy af. I tried to make this transition smooth by giving him the easier tasks. I took all the tasks that actually require brain bower (like planning meals) and daily commitment (like cooking meals). And still, it doesn’t work.
Just venting.
Anonymous
I would break up with him. Who agrees to clean bathrooms but tries to exclude toilets?
You do have to compromise. As examples – DH would change the sheets every three weeks. I like them changed every week so changing sheets is my job. DH loads the dishwasher every night and empties it in the morning because I don’t mind a few dishes in the sink overnight but he hates to go to bed with dishes in the sink. Work with your respective priorities.
If you can afford it, try housecleaners but honestly, there will be stuff that you can’t hire someone to take care of and you don’t want to spend your whole adult life having to nag another adult to act like a grown up.
Senior Attorney
Yep. I think “he’s lazy af” is a great reason to break up with somebody.
There are functional adult men out there and living with them is a pleasure instead of a chore.
Anon
Senior Attorney, I know you mean to be helpful, but your posts on this topic have been coming off really smug (not just today). It’s really, really great that you’ve finally found your dream man, but no relationship is perfect. It’s very possible OP’s partner is amazing in 99 ways and cleaning is the one way he isn’t. That doesn’t mean he’s not “functional.”
Anon
Umm, no. He can’t clean up after himself without excessive nagging. That definitely means he’s not a functional adult.
And SA is not being smug.
Anonymous
I agree with SA that a man who doesn’t think cleaning a toilet is part of cleaning a bathroom is not a functional adult. There are no magic cleaning fairies who will clean it.
They are not arguing over the method he uses or the cleaner or how often. My view on that is different – cleaning styles and frequency can be discussed/negotatied. But, OP’s partner is just not doing it at all.
Senior Attorney
Honestly? I may come across as smug but at my ancient age I am firmly convinced that a relationship stands or falls on its worst parts. Captain Awkward (I’m pretty sure it was her) recently said that if you have a big giant crock pot full of delicious chili with one little tiny cat turd in it… well, what you really have is a big giant crock pot full of cat turd stew.
Maybe relationships don’t have to be perfect, but if the bad parts mean (in the words of OP) “I’m going crazy?” That’s cat turd stew territory.
Anon
I agree with SA’s first paragraph.
But I also agree that she sometimes comes off as smug. As a single 34 year old woman, I’m not actually convinced that there are functional single guys out there. If the answer to every problem was break up with him and you will find a functional guy to date, none of my amazing single women friends would still be single.
Personally, I’ve done the calculus and decided I would rather be alone than with a guy who is not capable of adulating. But that doesn’t mean that others might not do the math and come out the opposite way. And to act like being single isn’t a real fear and possible outcome when breaking up with someone is to ignore the real life experience of me and countless other women.
Anonymous
+1000 to Anon at 1:33.
Anonymous
SA, does your husband actually clean toilets, or do you outsource? It’s easier not to fight about something when you can pay someone to do it.
Senior Attorney
We outsource the toilets. We each do our own laundry. We share the cooking. He fixes things, I do a lot of the paperworky/organizey things. I fully own that the difficulty level of our relationship is about level 1: We’re older, he has no kids and I have one who is grown (although he did live with us for 8 months last year and that was not exactly a picnic), we have enough money, our jobs are not super stressful.
But honestly I feel like it really is better to be single than to be with somebody non-functional. I was prepared to be alone and I fully admit that I was stupidly lucky, and I also fully admit that it does seem like most men aren’t all that functional and sometimes you have to settle. But If you are really “going crazy” then I think it’s time to take a step back and ask yourself if it’s worth it. I’ve been single and I’ve been with Mr. Cat Turd Stew and being single is way way better. WAY WAY better.
Anonymous
Anon at 1:33- Yes yes yes! I posted awhile back about dating someone with MDD and also got a lot of responses that made me think people thought it was very easy to replace an otherwise great bf with an equally great guy without MDD (or cleaning etc) struggles. The date pool really shrinks after a certain ago- even in NYC
Anonymous
have him read this – https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Anon
This is my all time favorite internet essay.
DTMFA, OP.
Anon
I’m sorry. I’ve had this happen too. Can you try being direct? “hey, I noticed the toilet and mirror weren’t cleaned. Can you do that as soon as you can?” Repeat if necessary each week and if it happens for too many weeks, then you know this is a real problem and not a learning curve.
Also, this probably isn’t what you want, but sometimes you have to relax your standards. The toilet should definitely be cleaned, but the mirror is less essential.
i hate cleaning, too
+1 for being direct. My bf and I had the same issue. After flipping out on him after a 65-hour workweek, I explained (read: yelled) that clean means clean, and tidy means tidy. And the two are different.
Also +1 for a cleaning service. I hate tidying. I’ll leave clean clothes piled up on the couch for weeks. And he hates cleaning. He’ll put all the dishes away, but the counter will be filthy. Having a cleaning service come 1-2x a month saved us and our relationship.
For the folks saying break up with him…that seems a bit extreme. People were raised differently and have different standards. If you can afford a cleaning service, spring for it. It’s much cheaper than having to replace an otherwise good guy.
Anonymous
Invest in a cleaning service.
anon
Op here. I would love to but we really, really cannot afford it. I would also love to eat out more so that planning meals and cooking them every night would also be less of a burden, but we can’t afford that either.
Anonymous
Honestly, I don’t think “invest in a cleaning service” is a great solution here anyways. In the long-term, this is about conflict resolution and whether her bf decides to be an adult and clean the toilet or be lazy af. Also, if OP is considering a future with this guy, “for richer or poorer” might not always involve a cleaning service–I’d want to know if my bf would step up and clean the toilet.
I’m all for cleaning services (I had one for 5 years), but they should be used to take the burden off both partners when money is more available than time. They shouldn’t be used to avoid conflict with a SO, or to do chores SO already agreed to do.
Brunette Elle Woods
Can you literally show him how to clean once? Maybe clean everything with him and he can see exactly how you do it. Sorry! I’m sure it’s frustrating. I’m single so….
Leah
Agreed. I would do teach him how to do it, once. I learned literally last week that my 40-something husband was taught to floss wrong by his idiot father.
If he’s still slacking off after that, all bets are off.
be happy
+1000
I read once that guys don’t see dirt the same way women do. That may not be true but if he doesn’t know what clean is, there is google or you showing (by which I mean do 5% and then give him the paper towels! I go b:y I do, you watch; you do, I watch, call me if you need me – in work and home). Play some music you like during this session, make it fun. There are amazing men who have never cleaned a toilet as well as we might like or knew there are/how to use the hose on a vacuum. we all learned once. I know people who have grown up in other countries (all marble floors, no carpets) where it is traditional for someone to come sweep once a day, but love to vacuum now that they know how.
also, I LOVE our new shark ion robot. we program it to go on daily at a time that works for us, it picks up a TON of gross dirt daily somehow and then weekends are Dyson time.
if he doesn’t take to it, TALK about it and how it is important and impacts you. I’m assuming you’re together for many reasons. Even the best of us need some rough areas sanded off now and again.
Best to both of you.
anon8
Can you give him a specific checklist of items that need to be done? Like literally a piece of paper that lists out all the tasks. If that still doesn’t work, then I don’t know. You have to decide if that is something you can live with.
Anonymous
But as an adult, shouldn’t he know that cleaning the bathroom involves scrubbing the toilet every week?
anon8
Yes, an adult should know that, but I think there are a lot of people that just don’t know how to clean. Or are just blind to messes.
I think sites like Unf*ck Your Habitat and A Slob Comes Clean are helpful for people that are just not naturally good at cleaning.
Anonymous
You might be surprised. I rolled my eyes that DH didn’t know how to properly clean a toilet for the first couple years of years we were together. Then MIL came to stay with us/help out for a few months during a crisis, and I realized he does it exactly the way he was taught.
Anonymous
But it’s not an issue of properly vs. not properly doing it. OP says he’s not doing it at all.
Former Retail
Sadly a lot of guys were never taught. When I first moved in with my now husband, he saw me flush the toilet before squirting the bowl cleaner in and said “What the h@ll are you doing?” HE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET BOWL AT 23. Now we have two sons and the cycle stops here.
Anonymous
Also everyone has different methods of cleaning and one is not necessarily superior to another. For example, I have no idea what you’re talking about flushing the toilet and squirting in bowl cleaner– you mean you squirt while it’s flushing? I use spray toilet bowl cleaner, spray it in to coat surfaces and then use a toilet brush to scrub it down and then flush. My husband has his own method, but it still gets the toilet clean. It sounds like OP’s bf is phoning it in, but I also think that there are times when one partner tries to unnecessarily micro-manage how the other partner cleans, which just leads to more work for the micromanager.
Brunette Elle Woods
As an adult, there are a lot of things we all should know, but don’t. My issue would be whether he’s willing to learn/improve and be an equal partner. At the same time, if his level of cleanliness of different from yours, it’s doesnt make him “not an adult.” I’ve lived with clean freaks and it doesn’t mean I’m not clean it just means I’m fine with a different level.
Anonymous
but it’s not an issue of method/level/frequency, he’s just doesn’t do toilets period and has not addressed the issue with her by asking her to teach him.
Anonymous
I’d rather say, you have to have a conversation with him. “When we agreed that you take care of the bathrooms, I expected it to include these tasks:… and that you would do this every week without me asking”
But you are also acting as if he very much isn’t an equal member (I gave him the easier tasks), that has to stop! If he agrees to do the bathroom once a week, and you get antsy because he hasn’t done it Sunday afternoon, you have to learn to not say anything. He has to do it his way, and that might be Sunday night or with imperfectly cleaned mirrors.
Your post shows so much resentment, are you sure you can live with the current arrangement? What do you mean by transition?
Monday
This does seem like the point she is at. What’s frustrating is that this is yet more work for her to do: first make the checklist, then enforce it when inevitably he says “done!” and she has to point out that specific items on the list are not completed. Or she has to litigate her definition of completing these items vs. his.
anon8
Agreed it is more work and OP has to decide if it is worth it. Like I mentioned above, I think some people just don’t know how to clean a house.
If house cleaning is going to become an area of resentment and frustration she has to decide if staying in this relationship is worth it. Or like others mentioned, hire a house cleaner.
Anon
This is going to make me sound totally spoiled, but I also did not really know how to clean a toilet. And to be honest, neither did most of my friends, college roommates or post college roommates, and we were all from different areas of the country and different socioeconomic brackets. Either their families had cleaning services or it just wasn’t one of their responsibilities (it was mom’s or dad’s, their siblings, etc.) Granted, I do at least realize that cleaning a bathroom entails cleaning the toilet (that seems obvious to me), mirrors, shower etc. and all other parts of the bathroom, but as an adult I’ve just googled these things to figure out how to do them.
Sam
+1 to don’t assume people know how to clean!!
I was one of those that did not know how to clean a toilet at all! I am nearly 40 and still would do a shoddy job if I had to – I outsource (I’d give up nearly anything else to outsource this and am very frugal otherwise – literally I would even wash laundry by hand than clean the toilet).
Anon
Apparently a checklist was the only way my sister-in-law could get my brother to do things. I can speak from experience that he had a lot of learned helplessness going on.
Monday
I think it’s pretty much always learned helplessness. I remember my Dad ruining several items of clothing by putting them in the dryer, despite instructions. I really think it was his way of making sure my mom never asked him to do laundry again, and it worked.
AIMS
I think it can be that or it can be genuine. My stepfather definitely washed dishes badly so he’d never be asked to do it (fill up sink with water and soap, let sit, drain and rinse). But Mr. AIMS genuinely didn’t see the same dirt I see when we moved in. What’s worse is he always thought of himself as a ‘neat’ person so the idea that he was missing anything major was just hard to reconcile. I did make a checklist and we did split up cleaning based on our respective strengths. In the beginning i had to remind him a few times of X or Y, but it was quickly evident he was trying and he figured it out. It’s hard to know in the abstract if it’s worth it for OP or how much effort it will take. There’s a difference between half-a**ing because you don’t care vs because you are still figuring it out.
I’ll also add that throwing money at the problem doesn’t always work. I had an ex with a housekeeper who used to come every week, and sometimes twice. But that was the extent of his contribution to household maintenance. He wouldn’t so much as pick up a sock the rest of the week.
Anonymous
“but it was quickly evident he was trying and he figured it out. ”
This makes all the difference. OP’s DH doesn’t seem to be doing that.
Anonymous
Make him write up the checklist. If OP hands him a list, it seems like a punishment or something. It’s not. Some people just work better off lists. He agreed to do the task so he should list out what he thinks that includes. She can add to it if needed.
Anonymous
Dude, get a housecleaner. These fights are not worth it. I cannot imagine having them. A cleaner is the secret to domestic bliss.
Anonymous
Nah, this guy is just ridiculously lazy. There are still a lot of chores leftover, even if you pay someone to scrub the toilets and she will be doing all of them and back to square one and her only options will to be to nag or to be resentful that she does everything.
Anonymous
I third the rec for a housekeeper. Is he otherwise wonderful? Then don’t make this the hill you die on.
Anonymous
Completely agreed. House cleaners are cheaper than breaking up. House cleaners are cheaper than couples therapy.
Sarabeth
It sounds like the problem is him, but if you don’t want to give up on him yet…can you get some kind of cleaning for dummies book, read it together, and use it as a baseline for what it actually means to “clean the bathroom”? Haven’t actually read it, but I might look at the Un***k Your Habitat ebook and see if it looks suitable? You can google as well as I can, but I’m sure there’s something out there.
Anon
It’s annoying af but have you taken time out to explain how/the standard to which you want them clean? Yes it’s a shame he is ignorant about cleaning but a lot of women raised their sons to be taken care of not to take care of themselves, he literally may not know how. Show him, with him standing beside you taking instruction, what you expect. Its an added but one time burden. Think of ot like teaching your kids to cook. It’s time intensive at first and bumpy but saves you time and stress in the long run. If he fails after that, then dump him, he is being wilfully ignorant or defiant and life is too short.
Anonymous
You shouldn’t have to do this, but have you clearly outlined what “cleaning the bathroom” means, and talked to him to come to an agreement of how often things need to be done?
I only say this because I used to be a dopey kid who would be asked to do a chore, but wasn’t born knowing that each chore had specific parts to it – like I didn’t know that emptying the dishwasher also meant emptying the drying rack, and putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher after.
Yes, you could argue that any monkey with a tiny bit of common sense would know that cleaning the bathroom always means scrubbing the toilet, but if someone doesn’t want to do a chore and is only doing it because they have to, they’re going to do the bare minimum, and you do need to tell them what that minimum is.
Torin
It sounds like he’s bad at some tasks. Giving him a checklist or showing him how you want it done might help, but the point is to get this to happen without your involvement or input and I don’t think either of those things is really in the spirit of that.
I’d go with a different solution: which tasks is he good at? Husband is much better at vacuuming than I am, and does a very thorough job. He’s bad at bathrooms and is not thorough at all and I’m like did you even try? So, he vacuums, I clean the bathrooms. Instead of thinking of yourself as assigning him tasks, think of dividing the available list of tasks between the two of you each according to skill.
If that doesn’t work, either hire someone or break up with him.
Take the cool route
Hire a housekeeper or cleaning service. Close your ears if he has the nerve to complain. Try to focus on what he does well. If that turns out to be nothing, then reevaluate the relationship but the same guy who cannot clean a bathroom may happily cook dinner a couple of nights per week or change all the air filters and service the cars.
I would not create a checklist or explain my expectations. Far more meaningful issues come up, and I really like to operate by choosing my battles according to what truly matters. If I did not approach this thoughtfully I could easily be a caricature of frowny faced, nagging wife. I’m older than most people on this board and may be out of touch with contemporary interpersonal dynamics but if my husband regularly corrected my execution of household responsibilities or tried to demonstrate proper form, it would be a real turn off for me.
Anonymous
This. I wouldn’t want to be nagged over house chores so why would your partner. I do not understand not figuring out how to afford a cleaning service when you’re having these issues. I’ve had someone clean for me starting in college – if you have two incomes surely you can figure this out and cut something else out.
Nah
If I didn’t want to be nagged over house chores, I would do the chores. We only nag because they didn’t listen the first ten times.
Anon
+1. It’s always women’s fault for nagging and not men’s fault for being incompetent and I’m sick of it.
Duckles
what about “whoever cares more does it”? If I lived with someone who thought the sheets had to be changed every week, or couch cushions vacuumed, or floor mopped daily, and thought I was “lazy” or “incompetent” that I didn’t, I wouldn’t be willing to “split” these because I don’t think any of them need to be done. Maybe the husband does clean the toilet, just less, and that’s fine with him. But if he’s fine living the way he cleans I think it’s on OP to either clean to the level she wants or be ok living like that too, not foist chores on her partner.
Lilly
Yes. “Nagging” is what the recipient of the communication calls it when said recipient stated that he would do it, but he didn’t, and it still needs doing. Those who don’t want to be nagged should just “do the thing” instead of putting it off and forgetting about it. This, half-assing chores that are done, “I didn’t clean the dirt because I don’t see dirt” etc etc etc are death of a relationship by a thousand tiny cuts. Then one day you’re done with this stuff and they’re all kinds of surprised that there’s a serious problem, despite “nagging”, conversations, requests, and just plain begging. Rant ended. I think this thread triggered me and I’m off to look at pics of kittens or something for a while.
revised advice
Just saw that you cannot afford a cleaning service and totally understand that. Have you asked him what he wants to do as far as household tasks? Maybe he would be an excellent meal planner / preparer and you could keep the bathrooms clean. Good luck.
Pen and Pencil
Everyone who is saying the solution is to get a house cleaner is being ridiculous. Yes, that would ease the burden on both of you, but it 1. isn’t in your budget and 2. you shouldn’t have to get a house cleaner because a grown-a$$ man won’t clean. If your issue was not having enough time, that would be one thing, but this is probably a symptom of a larger issue.
Do you feel like he is a true partner in other parts of your life? Does he take on 50% of the emotional labor? Does he do 50% of the home repairs (or maintenance requests if you don’t own)? Does he plan 50% of the dates, vacation, and other outings? Would he do 50% of the childcare? Do 50% of the budgeting?
My guess is he does not, and that he isn’t doing 50% of the work as a whole to keep your lives going how you both want them to. If he isn’t a true partner in LIFE, you need to rethink the relationship. Obviously not every task is a 50/50 split, but as a whole, it should be close. It sounds as if you are frustrated not with the fact that he isn’t doing his assigned cleaning tasks correctly, but because he is acting like you are his servant. Set your expectations for what a clean bathroom means once, see how it sticks, and if he can’t keep to a reasonable schedule then just dump him. Your reasonable schedule and his reasonable schedule might be different, but if you have agreed on once a week and he does it unasked once a month…. He sounds like dead weight.
Anon
+1. You are not his servant, he is not a toddler. He is a grown man who can learn the work it takes to run a household and then do half of it.
If you’re doing most of the work already, there’s not much of a penalty for dumping him and being on your own. He needs to make your life better, not add MORE chores to your list. No D is worth that ish.
Anonymous
+1
If you decide to stop cooking and started ordering take out every night, that wouldn’t be considered a reasonable solution to you not wanting to cook. If he doesn’t want to clean, the immediate solution is not to hire cleaners. Then you are using joint money to pay for his chores but not yours.
And if he can’t clean a toilet – he needs to internet and learn. It’s not on you to teach him to adult. Was his toilet gross before you moved in together? If he could clean it then, he can clean it now.
Anonymous
A cleaning service isn’t going to solve this issue. OP listed a bunch of things SO is supposed to do. It’s not like this is ONLY about cleaning bathrooms – not sure why everyone is so focused on that. A cleaning service isn’t going to pick up after you, or run the dishwasher every day, or make sure the trash cans go out to the street on trash day… there are tons of chores that a cleaning service doesn’t resolve.
OP, how does he respond when you ask him what’s going on here? Does he recognize that he’s acting like you’re the boss of the house and he’s an employee?
Anonymous
Different people have different standards of “acceptable” cleanliness. While we tend to err on the side of “it’s unfair that men make women clean,” it is also true that if it’s unfair for the partner with higher standards to impose them on the partner who does not. Absent mold and bugs, there is a wide range of acceptable.
DH and I have different standards. To him, the kitchen MUST be spotless. Not just clean, but finding crumbs sets him off. A few crumbs. But he will ignore the bathroom for 2 weeks or more (we are fairly tidy but I want the soap scum wiped off and the toilets clean which, frankly, are more due to his male *ahem* position than me).
If this is, as Senior Attorney alluded to, an unacceptable difference in standards as far as you are concerned then leave him. Otherwise, consider dividing chores based on what matters to who OR splitting the cost of a cleaning service.
Early on after kids DH and I went the cleaning service route. Now we just divide an concur according to what matters to each of us. Sometimes I just tell DH point blank that X needs to be cleaned and he mostly does it because I don’t say that often. And sometimes he asks for help with stuff I don’t care about (like doing the laundry NOW instead of later (much later, as long as everyone has clean undies)
Maria
I sympathize! But I believe that there is hope if you are persistent enough. When I started dating my husband, I was doing 90% of the chores. Today it’s down to 60%, probably even 50/50 if you factor in our dog (he does all the dog-related stuff).
I’ve trained him how to do the dishes, make the bed, do the laundry and put it away, and clean the toilet. I consistently point out when he hasn’t done it correctly, and I always hold him accountable when he hasn’t done his job (yes… that could be called nagging), but I also make sure to praise him when he does a chore. (He is very motivated by praise.) At the end of the day, he knows that having a clean house is extremely important to me and that chores are my “love language”.
Does he realize how much time you spend on chores? List out all the chores you do, how long they take, and how often they need to be done. Put his chores on a shared calendar so he knows when to do them. If he doesn’t do them anyway, don’t just let it slide. There are some things worth putting up a fight for, and this is one of them.
Intermediate Associate
I was in your shoes about 2 years ago. Lived with my SO for about 8 years. He hated being “nagged” (ie asked to help out). He was pretty messy. We went to couples counselling because our discussions about division of labour were not productive. She recommended that we get a cleaner. He was even messier, on the basis that the cleaner would take care of it. He also complained about the cleaner (she moved my stuff, why are you tidying up before she comes over, the cost is unnecessary, blah blah). Eventually I got wise and dumped him. Ultimately I just couldn’t be with a man who didn’t see himself as on my team. I still have the cleaner though, because it saves me from doing vacuumming, mopping floors, and scrubbing tubs.
Bottom line, a cleaner won’t fix the problem, because the problem is not just the mess, it’s him.
Feeling good!
I’m wearing a LK Bennett herringbone wool dress today with black tights and a green garnet necklace I bought in India and just generally feeling amazing. It’s a pricey line but so worth it for the quality.
Anonymous
No one cares.
Vicky Austin
I do, that outfit sounds gorgeous and incredibly classy. Go troll elsewhere.
K
Fashion blog… commenter posting about her outfit and how great it makes her feel…a lot of people here care, actually.
Anon
@anonymous, how miserable your life must be that this is your hobby. Get help
OP your outfit sounds wonderful and I would like to hear details of the green garnet necklace
Anon
I absolutely care about this! This is like 75% of the reason I read here. Thanks for sharing, OP! And Anonymous at 10:52, you may need to find somewhere else to read. This is probably not the place for you.
Senior Attorney
I care! Congrats, OP! Rock on!
Anonymous
Yep it sounds like she is trying to justify the cost via internet strangers
Lilly
I care and think your outfit sounds wonderful. Frankly, sitting here in an AT suit and just a smidge jealous! Would you be able to compare the quality to Max Mara? Have one and only one Max Mara dress in my closet and it’s my gold standard for quality of material and construction for current clothes that are available somewhat in my price range for a splurge.
Isabela the She Wolf
That sounds lovely!
Anonymous
Sounds cute! Love a good outfit day
Beans
I do. I love LK Bennett shoes, and have been interested in the clothing as well. Thanks for the report.
Elegant Giraffe
I care. Ooooh I love LK Bennett! Tell us about the necklace – was it a special trip that you bought it on?
Sam
Yes I want to know too. I did not know green garnets were a thing!
pugsnbourbon
I’d never heard of green garnets and just looked them up – very pretty!
Belle Boyd
I just looked them up, too! WOW!!!! That necklace has to be stunning!
Anon at 10:52, bless your heart, but who peed in your wheaties this morning????
grapefruit
That sounds gorgeous!
OP
Thanks everyone. I bought the LK Bennett dress when their clothes were being sold at Nordstrom very briefly (sad that they no longer have a partnership with Nordstrom, because LK Bennett shipping and returns when buying directly from them are way too costly otherwise). The necklace is four strands of garnet and silver, bought in India many moons ago. :)
Anon
Best book you’ve read lately? I read Code Name Verity (which was recommended very highly here) and thought it was only OK, but then my tablet recommended another WWII/1930s YA novel that I ended up loving. That was Prisoner of Night and Fog and its sequel.
I also enjoyed the plot of Red Clocks, but was so-so on the writing style. It felt like the author was trying too hard to be earthy.
Anonymous
I DNFed Red Clocks, which is rare for me. Recent reads I’ve loved are Educated (from here, thanks ladies) and Beartown 1 and 2.
cat socks
Looking through the history on my Overdrive app, these are some I enjoyed lately:
The Light We Lost – Jill Santopolo
The Knockoff – Lucy Sykes
Firefly Lane – Kristin Hannah
The Address – Fiona Davis
The Hopefuls – Jennifer Close
The Alice Network – Kate Quinn
I really liked In a Dark, Dark wood from Ruth Ware. However I did not care much for her latest, The Lying Game.
Anonymous
I also liked The Hopefuls. It was light and fluffy but well-written, unlike a lot of “chick lit.” I liked The Lying Game but it was no The Woman in Cabin 10.
Anonymous
If you liked The Woman in Cabin 10 I recommend The Death of Mrs. Westaway.
Elegant Giraffe
+1 and it would be great for October – it’s kind of a spooky book
Anonymous
LOVED Death of Mrs. Westaway. Best Ruth Ware book by a long shot IMHO.
anon.
Pachinko – Min Jin Lee
The Female Persuasion – Meg Wolitzer
All We Ever Wanted – Emily Griffin
Non-Fiction
The Feather Thief – Kirk Johnson
Educated – Tara Westover
Miss
I also loved Pachinko and Educated. I just finished Sally Field’s memoir and really enjoyed it. It wasn’t a typical celebrity memoir and was very interesting and well written.
Anonymous
I heard a podcast about the “feather thief.” Such an interesting story.
Anonymous
Loved Pachinko
Also:
Homegoing
Exit West
Alice Network
Lilac Girls
Elegant Giraffe
both non-fiction
The Day the World Came to Town – quick and touching
The Sound of Gravel – memoir written by a woman who grew up in polygamist cult in Mexico – probably read about it here – not light, but fascinating and well-written
Anonymous
Just finished The Labyrinth of the Spirits, the last book of the Cemetery of Forgotten Books series. Highly recommend all 4 books.
Shopaholic
The best things I’ve read recently:
The Great Alone – Kristin Hannah
This Is How It Always Is – Laurie Frankel
I’m currently reading Bad Blood and it is so fascinating.
NYCer
Next Year in Havana
Lobbyist
Crazy Rich Asians was awesome and now I’m on book 2
Wow
I posted the green Eliza J sweater dress last week, here’s another one that has a good length Not crazy about the sleeves but it’s pretty.
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-bell-sleeve-midi-sweater-dress/5022264?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FShop%20by%20Occasion%2FWork%2FAll%20Work&color=navy
LaurenB
I love the sleeves! What don’t you like about them? Or is it that you like them for evening wear, but are concerned they are impractical for office/work wear?
Never too many shoes...
Me too, but a lot of people on here are very against them. These ones seem quite practical as they are not long and so are less likely to get dragged through food and wet when hand washing.
Wow
I just think the sleeves are so trendy that they will be out of style by next year, and I prefer to wear clothes that will last several seasons.
Anon
Can anyone recommend the best way to get a salary range for an in-house position with a specific company? Any trusted websites (glassdoor?) Word of mouth isn’t helpful at this point. Thanks.
Equestrian Attorney
Try Glassdoor. But depending on how large the legal department is, it might be hard to get legal-specific info. You can look at other positions’ salaries for a sense of where the company stands, but when I went in-house, I basically had to generate a range that worked for me out of more or less thin air. My bar association has some statistics about how much their members make in-house in my city at different levels of experience, and that was the most helpful for me.
Anon
Thanks – this is helpful.
Anonymous
Depending where you go and the potion/title, your position may have a non-legal salary band. When i ran a dept, it included things like the manager/director of compliance. That salary was the same as other managers/directors in my org. Same for a contract manager etc.
Anon
I am late 20’s and am “athletic” only in inspiration. I work a ton and getting to the gym during the week is impossible. I’m thin and can mostly get away with not exercising often, but I feel like in the last few months, my butt has…dropped? It feels lower and wider than it was previously. I’ve also been having a hard time on hard seats like benches or certain chairs. It feels like I lost my padding and my butt bones are directly on the hard surface. A few nights ago I was on a chair at a restaurant experiencing this issue, and I had to take off my sweater and ball it up to sit comfortably. Is this just part of aging? Or the lack of exercise? My weight hasn’t changed, so I’m confused why I am suddenly having the sitting issues. In case it’s relevant, my body type is thin but not bony.
Anonymous
If you’ve lost your butt padding, you’ve lost fat, so I wouldn’t blame lack of exercise. But yes, I think it’s generally part of aging. I’ve always had a bony butt but it’s definitely getting worse as I get into my 30s.
Anon
Your weight can stay the same and your body composition change due to lack of muscle mass. Sorry to tell you but you’re turning skinny fat. You need to get to the gym or at least do short 20 to 30 min. at home workouts to build up your muscle, especially squats and similar gluteal focused exercises. For your health and comfort (don’t be one of those thin people requiring a bypass at 50, it’s unfortunate and embarrassing).
Can you really not spare two 15 min. workout sessions on My Fitness Blender, one in the evening and one in the morning or something akin to that? Or a quick workout over lunch? The only thing that’s going to help you is to build muscle, you need to prioritize your health over work.
Anon
Not OP, but I don’t really know how to do two workouts in a day without needing to shower twice (cutting into precious time even more). Any tips?
Anon
I plan my workouts around normal showering times and build workouts that allow for showering time, so after work workout and shower before bed like normal. Over lunch, you build in showering time, so instead of working out an hour, I work out for 35-40 min. high intensity which allows 5 min to go to the gym, five min or less to change, and another 15 min. on the back end to shower change and travel.
The lunch time workouts really depend on how close the gym is, how much you sweat, and if you need to wash your hair afterward (I never do). It’s easier to plan around quick morning or nighttime workouts where you can shower before work or after work at home.
busybee
Try Pilates mat work. Great for building muscle but it’s not cardio or high impact so probably won’t cause you to sweat.
Anonymous
I don’t really need a shower after a quick bodyweight or strength workout. Maybe a quick rinse.
nutella
Do standing leg lifts, squats, or standing in releve while you brush your teeth, wash the dishes, etc. I like to do one of these while brushing teeth (that’s 2 minutes!) There’s also a lot of band work you can do reading emails, watching TV for 15 minutes, etc. (clam shells, glute bridges, squats, monster walks, etc.)
Anonymama
Yeah, do a set of squats or lunges when you’re watching tv or on the phone or something, and you shouldn’t need a shower. And start taking he stairs more often. I think incorporating exercise throughout your day is actually healthier than sitting for 8 hours and doing a half hour workout.
Anonymous
Eagerly following! I’m naturally slim/curvy and I also feel that my butt isn’t as pert as it once was. Any particular effective exercises to lift my butt? I spent 12+ hrs sitting at my desk (thanks big law!) but aim to get to the gym/yoga 3x a week. Should I try something like 30 day shred or bikini body guide?
Anon
If you google “butt exercises” a lot of the top fitness magazines have set out workouts that work really well. I highly recommend. Or go onto Nike Fitness which also has good ready to use workouts with demonstrations.
If you don’t want to go that far, barre class and the stepmaster machine and your classic exercise moves honestly still work and are by far the most effective, think – squats (all variations), leg lifts (when on all fours), deadlifts. Don’t forget to also work the rest of your body – the perk in the rear looks best when paired with legs with muscle and as little fupa as possible (see Kim K. as an example of bad legs and butt pairing)
Anonymous
Thanks!!
Elegant Giraffe
I find barre incredibly effective for my rear (seat, as we call it in barre). If you can’t go to a studio, lots of online videos.
Daffodil
+1 to barre- lots of “seat” work that you could do from your office.
rear
Barre classes are amazing for toning the rear. Running a minimum of 15 miles a week helps me, too.
pugsnbourbon
I’m always going to shill weightlifting. There are more “b00ty workouts” than you can shake a stick at, but a simple routine would include squats, lunges, and seated hip thrusts. The benefit is that a lot of strength programs don’t take a ton of time (30-45 minutes, 3-4 days/week) and if you’re lucky, they don’t make you as sweaty as cardio. Sadly I’m not one of those people (I crack a sweat picking up my purse).
JDMD
Jumping rope is great for building up glutes, and it’s also a terrific cardio workout. Try two 3-minute rounds is the morning, then two more 3-minute rounds when you get home from work.
Anonymous
Its not embarrassing to need bypass at any age or at any weight.
Ses
+1
Anon
Does anyone have any articles or books they recommend about the opiod epidemic? I’m not terribly aware of the details of it but I live (and work in city government) in a major city that’s been very hard hit. As a city employee I feel like I should br more aware of the crusts! I’m doing some very basic assistance on a project related to the crisis so would like to be more well versed. Thanks!
Anonymous
I haven’t read it yet, but people recommend Dreamland here all the time.
BabyAssociate
I have not read it myself, but have seen Dope Sick recommended here.
CPA Lady
This is a kind of tongue in cheek recommendation, but the podcast the Dollop had a two part series (episodes 280 and 281) on the history of opioids in the US. The Dollop is a comedy podcast about all the weird and awful parts of American history. But their episodes were actually a really fascinating delve into the history of opioids and how it got to be so bad in the last couple of decades. Lots of swearing, definitely listen with earbuds.
Sarabeth
Someone recommended Dopesick last week, and it’s on my list to read.
This is an article roundup from last year: http://somatosphere.net/2017/09/web-roundup-opioids-as-a-national-emergency.html. It’s from an anthropology website, but most of the links go to news stories rather than academic articles .
LadyB
I recently listened to a very good podcast on this topic. Check out Science Vs. — there are two episodes, the first is How America Got Hooked, and the second is Kicking America’s Addiction
lsw
This is from a few years ago but I tore through Dreamland by Sam Quinones and learned a ton.
Anonymous
Dreamland by Sam Quinones. There was also a good NYT article recently–g00gle “the Walmart of her0in.”
BabyAssociate
I really liked that article too!
Anon
OP here- the Walmart of Heroin article was amazing, it’d a Rialto what piqued my interest!
Anon
Dreamland! I’d start with that and then move to Dopesick.
I know a number of researchers in the field, some of whom are quoted/cited in Dreamland.
Lobbyist
I read Drug Dealer, MD and Dopesick and both were really good.
Anon
How do you determine what make up/hairstyle/clothes work best for you? I know my hair and make up and some of my clothes don’t work for me but idk how to find what does look!
A friend of mine just went from mid chest length hair to shoulder length hair and I was like wow! That hairstyle was made for you! Hoping to have that match made in heaven moment
Anon
Would love to know about hairstyles.
Clothes: lots and lots and lots of trying things on in stores. Then do not buy anything you don’t love.
Anon
Nordstrom’s personal styler, hair dresser, make-up counter or teaching session with a local make-up artist. Seriously, if you can’t decide for yourself what you like on you after trying or at least thinking about it, let other people do it for you, since you seem a bit indecisive in general. Then stick with it until fashion changes drastically and repeat.
Anon
I tell my hairdresser to just do what she thinks is best. My logic is that it’s only hair and will grow back if I really hate it. I do tend to keep it shoulder length or shorter because I find if it’s long I just wear it in a claw clip or a pony tail all the time because it bugs me. But within this constraint, I’ve had lots of different hairstyles based on whatever my hairdresser is feeling
Clothing, I got some basic guidance from a Nordstrom stylist and I also read a few books on color and style. My number one suggestion is to have a full length mirror somewhere in your home and to photograph yourself when you get dressed. Do the same when you are trying on clothing at stores. Put these pics in one folder on your phone, and flip quickly through the pictures when you have a collection of them. Your most flattering styles will be obvious to you. I have easily decided not to buy items of clothing this way many times, because it was so clear when I flipped through my pictures that it wasn’t my most flattering silhouette.
Anonymous
Ha – I wear my hair long, in part so I *can* wear it over my shoulder in a braid or up in a bun. Both are styles that I think are flattering for my fair and don’t require me to wash/dry it every day like I would it were shorter (and curlier). But I also get bored and so every 2-3 years I chop my mid-back length hair to my collar bone and then start growing it out again.
nutella
Yes, I like my hair long and it’s pretty healthy so I don’t get that urge to cut it off as quickly but it’s typically a photo that sends me to the hair dresser because it’s gotten *too* long. I am short and thin and hair that’s too long on me sort of screws with my proportions. I know friends that find photos as their cue for other things too: eyebrows, weight, hair color or styles, and outfits or colors that look good on them.
Once you have decided something needs a change, by all means – consult a professional but tell them you are looking for something that you think ‘matches’ you (either your proportions, your natural skin tones, your level of maintenance you put into makeup/hair/whatever, your natural hair texture, etc.) so that they can guide you accordingly.
Anonymous
For hair, I look for celebrities with similar hair texture and face shape and see what they’re doing as a starting point.
Anonymous
Anyone have experience with Senreve bags? They look perfect but very pricey… are they worth it?
desigirl
They are having a pop-up in the DC area (Tyson’s Corner Mall) sometime at the end of the month. I am going to inspect them in person before I choose to pull the trigger.
Murz
Please report back! They pop up on my instagram at least weekly and I always take a look! So pretty
S in Chicago
I ordered a pebble texture (Saffiano?) bag over the summer and sent it straight back. It felt like hard cheap plastic. Like not even the quality of coated canvas. Blew my mind how awful it was for the price. I also didn’t like that there were significant openings around the flap, so it seemed like things would constantly be at risk of falling out. Was a huge disappointment. (I believe Nordstrom now carries some styles–so shouldn’t be too difficult to view in person without ordering.) Perhaps another texture would be nicer, but it still wouldn’t resolve the issue I had with the opening of the bag.
Getting Reprimanded by Partner
How do you handle being reprimanded by partner for dropping the ball on something that you did in fact drop the ball on? We have a great working relationship, so partner knows it was a mistake on my part and even walked back the reprimand as soon as I responded that I had in fact dropped the ball and that it would be handled by X time today.
Feeling a bit “woe is me,” but also, I dropped the ball, so it is merited. This partner reminds me of how I was raised (tiger parents), so I feel the same feels about disappointing them, but also feeling fiercely like they should be nicer?
Anyway, not the best start to the day.
anon
What works for me is to feel it, acknowledge it, put it on a shelf (figuratively) and move on. Also, take a quick look at your system for not missing things and consider if it is adequate. Hang in there! There are SO many balls in the air.
Flats Only
It sounds like you handled this perfectly, and since how you react to the situation in the instant and then handle fixing it counts way more than the mistake itself, so you are well on your way to getting past this.
cbackson
+1 One of my biggest advocates at my firm was a partner for whom I screwed up something fairly big on my first project. He specifically praised me for how I handled the error in my review. Taking ownership of your mistakes is huge and goes a long way toward restoring trust.
pugsnbourbon
+ another 1. Humans make mistakes and showing that you can take responsibility and solve the problem is what matters.
Also I was listening to the Ask a Manager podcast a few weeks ago and she advised someone to “create emotional distance” from their job. From your tiger parent comment, I wonder if you tend to build a chunk of your identity around your work (like I do). It can be helpful to unpack some of those stories we tell about ourselves and see if they are helpful or unhelpful.
cbackson
Honestly, you handle it by taking a few deep breaths, acknowledging that whether the partner was nice or not nice isn’t super-relevant because you did screw up, and moving on. If you dwell on it, you increase the odds you’ll mess up again, so the most important thing you can do is forgive yourself and forge ahead.
Anon
Oh man, I hate this. Something similar happened to me recently, too. I gave myself a limited amount of time to feel guilty/upset/whatever. Then I told myself I had to move on and just really knock the next things out of the park, so that’s where I’ve been focusing my energy.
Rothys on Meaghan Markle?
Y’all:
Go to the Daily Mail website. Click on the story about MM changing outfits in Oz yesterday. Scroll down.
Is she wearing black Rothys points???
kk
i think she is!
Anonymous
Yes. Confirmed on all the Markle fashion blogs!
Wow
Ha, I feel validated. I just bought black Rothys last week!
Anonymous
I’m sick of being freezing cold in my office and want to stock up on some heat tech items from Uniqlo. Do these kind of things go on sale often, or should I just stock up now?
Sunshine
They go on sale but usually when a lot of colors are out of stock. I’d buy a few now and then check back to see if there are sales.
Anonymous
They usually go on sale for black friday week, or the like. But, they are inexpensive for the price any time. Especially if you just pick up a few pieces a month. I love the long sleeve scoop neck and the leggings are the bomb.
Sunday Riley
Anyone who has purchased or is considering purchasing Sunday Riley products should head over to the skincareaddiction forum on r3ddit. A former employee posted an email where the company directs its employees to log into a VPN and post fake reviews on Sephora. I suppose I’m not surprised and I assume most makeup/skincare brands do this, but it’s still very disillusioning. I am actually in the market for some new skincare products and now I’m very suspicious of most written reviews :/.
Sunday Riley
Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/SkincareAddiction/comments/9ogete/psa_sunday_riley_employee_we_write_fake_sephora/
Anon
Ah crap. I really do like their products!
Anonymous
Oh not good. Why do companies do this? Sure seems to me like deceptive business practices and/or fraud that could land them in a lot of trouble.
Anon
It is fraud, if the review doesn’t disclose their connection to the company
Anonymous
After listening to the Reply All podcast episode on Amazon, I don’t really trust online reviews anywhere anymore. It’s a bummer.
Mary K
This is why I love the website fakespot. You can analyze reviews on Amazon, Yelp or iTunes to see what percentage are fake. I use it nearly every time I shop on Amazon.
Interesting Jackets
I’ve decided the perfect thing for me to wear to work given my style / my office / comfort is pants and interesting/statement jackets. I have a couple that I love and get compliments on (my favorite is Iro), but would love to get more. Any suggestions for brands / where to find them (preferably online)?
Vicky Austin
I’ve been eyeing the Caslon jackets/toppers at Nordstrom. They have a couple fun colors like red and green.
Kat Lee Dune
+1 following ….
Murz
I have had luck with Anthro’s sale section for this. Also H&M on occasion, but the Anthro ones are definitely more fun.
Anon
This will sound weird but I suggest checking out the Wilson Leather website. I have gotten couple of fake leather jackets from there that have been good quality and reasonably cheap.
lsw
I have several interesting jackets that are basically blazers in a moto-jacket style. I’m wearing one right now that is white and navy striped knit. Really versatile.
Anonymous
Akris!!!
Carpet recommendations?
We’re moving into a new house and planning to carpet bedrooms (kids and master) and a playroom. Has anyone had a good carpet experience? We are working with an interior designer and she quoted us very high prices (on a very designer type) so wondering about what’s more mainstream! Brand? Place you shopped? Things to avoid?
This subject stresses me out, no idea why! Sticking with hardwoods everywhere else but wanted carpet there for comfort.
Anonymous
Strongly recommend laminate plus rugs for kids bedrooms. Carpets can get gross and be hard to clean. If a rug can’t be cleaned, it’s easy to replace.
Anonymous
Area rugs are easy to put over hardwoods. I would just do that, and it will give you more long-term flexibility. Much easier to change rugs than wall-to-wall, and the hardwood will give you better resale value.
Anonymous
We got perfectly fine carpet from Home Depot a few years ago. It was a mid-range brand. I think it was a polyester twist carpet, but might have been nylon. However, I agree with the above poster that carpet can get gross and it is easier to have laminate wood plus rugs. When we pulled up the old carpet, I was shocked and disgusted at how dirty the carpet pad was and there was about a pound of sand along the floor under the pad. It was really gross. (And we vacuumed and steam cleaned it frequently.)
Anon
I honestly would not do carpet in the playroom but rather a hard surface (wood, tile or whatever is elsewise in the house), and wide spread play mats or washable rugs. Kids are dirty, if you confine most of their play to the playroom, the rooms should stay clean. The carpet will require a good steam cleaning at least once a year that a rental from Home Depot will fix.
have pulled up too much carpeting in my life!
take a look at cork flooring – it looks like hardwood but it is more forgiving to tiny bodies.
agree on area rugs only – w2w carpet is naff when you pull it up, no matter the brand or price point!
Anonymous
After dealing with lower quality carpet, we got the best quality stainmaster, it has a water barrier at the bottom and was the thickest pile available. So far stains have come out well, but the thick pile means stuff just stays on top rather then migrate amongst the fibers so vacuuming is easy.
Anonymous
If you happen to be in the Boston/Somerville/Cambridge area, I recommend Lechmere Rug. They have sample boards from all of the mainstream brands, but they’re much less overwhelming than a big flooring store and have nicer stuff than Home Depot. You’ll get a quick idea of what you like and may see a lower cost dupe of the product your designer picked out.
If you’re not in Boston, a good way to find a decent flooring store is to look at ads in a regional home magazine. Also, it wouldn’t be out of line to tell your designer that you’re looking for a lower cost alternative.
Anonymous
I’ve had great experiences with carpet. A mid range berber carpet with a nice pad is really all you need. I once spilled a QUART OF PAINT on the carpet and it came up like a dream. Go to your local carpet store, you don’t need a designer to pick it out.
Anonymous
Has anyone bought Target work clothes lately? Any opinions on the quality? I am looking for workhorse pants on a budget, but still want to get good wear out of them.
Worry about yourself
I bought a pencil skirt from them, wearing it right now in fact! It’s . . . okay. One morning the zipper mysteriously kept falling on my commute, some of the stitching is starting to come apart, but for a basic black skirt, it gets the job done.
Anonymous
I’ve had good luck with suit separates from the Merona line made out of what they call “bi-stretch twill.” Merona is gone now, replaced by A New Day, and they seem to have a lot of similar items, though I can’t say if the quality has changed or not.
pugsnbourbon
I bought a pair of the A New Day twill pants in black this spring – they’ve faded pretty significantly and I don’t love them.
I’ve had the best luck at Target with their tops – either poly blouses or shells in interesting patterns.
Anon
If possible, I would head to a goodwill or similar in a high-end neighborhood in your city. You can find really good quality clothing, sometimes even new with the tags, for very cheap. It would be cheaper than target and likely to last a lot longer.
anon
I tried on a few pairs of pants and did not buy. The fabric was flimsy and I could tell they’d look good for about 2 wears.
Light Fall Jackets?
I’ve put on some weight since last fall and my go-to light fall jacket is now too tight and needs to be replaced. It’s a Target knockoff of the J Crew field jacket and I love it, but worry the style is out of date. What’s a more modern version of this? Should I just get the J Crew Factory version of the field jacket? Looking for something to wear with jeans when it’s 50s/60s; already have a down jacket for colder. Budget is ~$50 or less…
An On
Which Target jacket is this?
anon
Repost this tomorrow! I’m interested too.
What would you do?
So a couple weeks ago I went to a store to stock up on some basics for a new work season (tshirts, couple pairs of pants, a sweater or two, tights). Anyhow, I’m finally getting around to cycling this stuff into my wardrobe and one of the shirts isn’t my thing so I want to return it. I pull out the receipt and I can’t find the shirt on the receipt and so I start going through the whole thing and I find they only rang up about half my purchases. There is about $90 of merchandise that they bagged and didn’t ring up.
So now, do I take it all back and have them ring it up? Or just let it go, and figure it was their mistake and not worry about it? I feel like I need to pay for it, but it is a trek to get to the store and I don’t have a lot of free time these days. This is a new branch that just opened so it was pretty clear they were doing a lot of training the day I was shopping. Until I decide what to do, I can’t bring myself to take the tags off the clothes and wear them.
Anon
Don’t bother, seriously. The new trainees who didn’t ring up half your clothes (I mean that’s the one thing they should be able to do without training) will definitely not know what to do with “returned” clothes that were not actually purchased. At best, they take the clothes, say “thanks” and throw them out because they’ve already been inputted as a theft loss. At worse, they call the police on you because “returning” stolen merchandise for cash is a very common thing (even if you don’t want money for it, they may still call the police). It was a mistake, wear without guilt. If you really can’t wear them, donate them, getting never worn clothes is great for donation shops.
Anonymous
I agree. I have friends in retail, $90 opening week, or even on a Saturday is just a drop in the bucket for a lot of retailers. I would say if this was a higher end place and the clothes were $90 a piece, yes. But, more because you probably have a relationship with the staff there, and they may even receive commissions.
Honestly, if you taken the back, the manager is going to have a heap of paperwork and trouble to deal with, and chances are, by now, they’ve already had a decent amount of staff turnover such that whoever rang up your stuff isn’t there anymore.
Anon
Donate the clothes you would have returned.
Anonymous
Call them, tell them what happened, and see what they say. I would not agree to having to schlep down I tot he store. They might offer to process the purchase over the phone, or might just say forget it.
Anon
I would just say forget it – my guess is, if they were doing a ton of training, they build a certain amount into the budget as “training loss”.
Hungry
Does anyone have recommendations for recipes that are comforting but healthy? I love pasta, especially when it gets cold but I can’t really afford to eat all those carbs.
Looking for something to give me the same feeling but not the same impact to my waistline.
thanks,
Remissa
Anon
chili and stews can be good. also something i like to do when i want pasta is do half pasta and half zoodles (or some other veggie noodles). tends to do the trick for me in feeding that craving. also, trader joe’s cauliflower gnocchi is amazing for this
Two Cents
This is one of my favorite soups and very easy to make. You can make it on the stove if you don’t have an IP.
https://www.tessadomesticdiva.com/instant-pot-paleo-thai-carrot-soup-a-whole-foods-knock-off/
Anonymous
What about a minestrone soup with a little pasta and lots of veggies?
Belle Boyd
Lots of soups and veggie-based casseroles. I make veggie soup but do not have a recipe for it — it’s one of those “just throw in what you have and let it simmer for a few hours” kind of recipes. Plus –BONUS!!! — soups tend to make a ton, so you can either eat soup for a few nights (no need to wonder what the he l l to cook) or you can freeze the leftovers and save it for when you’re really insanely busy and have no time to cook.
Nudibranch
This vegetable soup is good and fairly easy (except for the chopping up): https://tastykitchen.com/recipes/soups/grandpa-jacke28099s-dieterse28099-meal-in-one-hour-vegetable-soup/ Don’t worry to much about exact quantities. Use this as a guideline.
I add a package of italian sausage links (chopped). I skip the bell pepper.
An On
Try curries – Thai, Indian and Asian foods.
Anon
I have a friend issue. Maybe too late for the morning thread but here goes.
I’ve had a good friend for a long time. Due to work moves we no longer work in the same city so we see each other less, but we have remained, I thought, good friends. We have vacationed together. We get together many weekends. We confide in each other, or did.
My friend was in a situation where she needed help recently and I gladly helped her out. It was expensive and inconvenient for me but of course she is my good friend so I didn’t think twice. However, over the course of my helping her it became clear through bits and pieces of information that she hadn’t been forthcoming with me about really key information, and I felt taken advantage of.
I stewed about it for a bit, then invited her to dinner, and after a few glasses of wine I confronted her. Not real housewives style, but in a loving way, and I basically said I was hurt, that I felt taken advantage of, and wounded that she hadn’t told me the truth up front, and reminded her that I love her and would have helped her anyway, even if she’d told me the whole truth. She broke into tears and apologized and admitted everything, said I was right, and that she felt awful about it. Of course, I forgave her immediately and we had a pretty fun rest of the night. I have never brought up the topic again. I thought we had moved on.
But since then she has seemed short with me. We got together in a group this weekend and she was superficially friendly and never really talked to me. Actually, she was snippy with me.
And now I just found out that she is having a party this weekend I’m not invited to. It’s kind of an annual thing (but not every year) and I’ve always been there in the past, and even helped her put it on. I hadn’t heard anything about it so I assumed she wasn’t doing it this year, but no. I’m not invited.
We are in a larger friend group, although the two of us have always been particular friends, and now I kind of don’t want to hang out with her anymore. And I guess she’s making it clear that that is what she wants.
And by the way, I introduced her to the friend group. Not that I own my friends but if things are going to be weird I almost don’t want to go to group events she will be attending. I don’t want to lose my entire friend group all at once!
I know I’m too much in my head about this today. But what would you do?
Anon
PS I also can’t shake the feeling that she’s taking sh1t to our friend group about me, perhaps telling them the untruthful version of her situation and implying that I didn’t help her or something.
Anonymous
She probably is. They probably don’t care. Think about any time a friend has ranted ad nauseam to you about another friend. Eventually you just kind of tune out. The person complaining is automatically the drama friend (even if their complaints are valid) and the person who isn’t complaining looks that much better. No one wants to be involved in other people’s drama. The best thing you can do is ignore it.
Anon
I would mourn the loss of a good friend. That really sucks. I doubt you will lose your whole friend group over this, but there may be things (like this party) that you won’t get to or won’t want to participate in.
Anonymous
I’m confused about you not living in the same city but having the same friends and having dinner/parties.
You may be right that the relationship with her has been damaged but that just means she is unlikely to take advantage of you again. Some people move on from relationships when they cannot use them to their advantage anymore.
OP
We used to work in the same city and see each other for lunch/coffee breaks/happy hours. Now I work in the suburbs so we don’t get together during the week anymore. But we still see each other on weekends, or did.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Anonymous
It sounds like she is so embarrassed about having been caught in a lie and using you, that she doesn’t trust you have actually forgiven her. I would give her some time (perhaps you already have) and then try to rekindle the friendship (if that’s what you want). I would let this annual party go, and view it as something that was sacrificed to her discomfort.
Wow
+ 1
First sentence is spot on.
Senior Attorney
Congratulations, OP. You are the new president of the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Club. I think the dynamic is that your friend did something bad, you called her out, now she feels worse because she was found out, and she blames you because she feels bad so she is putting distance between you. It’s kind of that old saying “money loaned to a friend often loses both itself and the friend.”
This has happened to me (looking at you, $8,000 DUI bail money) and it sucks. Hold your head up high and just mourn the loss, as others have said.
OP
Oof thanks for the perspective- it didn’t cost $8000 at least!
Did you have the experience with trying to navigate a friend group post friend break up?
Senior Attorney
Not the same friend, but I have had a very fraught relationship with a heretofore bestie, and in my experience people are not stupid — they have a good sense of who people are, if you know what I mean. To the extent they care, that is, which is a shockingly small extent.
cbackson
I suspect that she probably feels badly about what happened. You forgave her, but she hasn’t really forgiven herself. So she’s avoiding you because being around you reminds her that she did something that she’s ashamed of.
Being forgiven can be very uncomfortable. Not everyone deals well with it. What she’s doing isn’t particularly emotionally mature, but I’ve seen it before.