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Coffee Break: Everyday Neoprene Tote

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black perforated neoprene tote with black and white handles

This neoprene tote is a bit on the casual side, but it's getting rave reviews at Anthropologie (where it also comes in a bunch of prints and patterns). Reviewers note that they've used it for a gym bag, a beach bag, a diaper bag, and an everyday tote. They also talked about liking all the pockets the bag has, the optional snap closure at the side, and the fact that the bottom supporting liner is removable.

The entire bag is washable; it's $125 at Anthropologie, currently available in black (pictured) and five prints.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
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  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
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  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

189 Comments

  1. Yesterday I started making white bean and chicken chilli, but after I already started making it realized I didn’t have the right type of chicken. So I added more beans + frozen cauliflower + frozen corn and its a. pretty good soup. But what type of soup is this? Veggie chilli?

    I’m mainly stunned at how creamy this soup is without any milk or cheese or cream at all.

    1. That’s not surprising, as white beans, cauliflower, and corn are all standard ingredients in vegan soups when you want a creamy texture without using dairy. It sounds like more of a veggie soup or stew than a chili, but those terms are all flexible.

      1. I totally see that since its all pantry / freezer ingredients, but its pretty good for payday is a few days away soup!

    4. I’d go with veggie chowder. It sounds delicious, and if you’re not going to use chicken I might start with a roux base to really amp up the creamy/umami taste.

      1. It did have a roux base! I think that’s what made it much tastier than other similar veggie stews.

        It had cumin already but not chilli powder.

        1. Will you post the recipe, well at least what you did since it wasn’t what you intended?

      2. Start with the recipe I linked (White Chicken Chilli from Delish). Instead of chicken add half a packet of frozen cauliflower mash from TJs and half a packet TJs roasted corn. Immersion blend. All other ingredients the same.

    7. I’m a vegetarian and am very excited about your soup!!

      I just am a little confused about having the wrong type of chicken. Wouldn’t using chicken thighs instead of breasts have been closer to the recipe than just random veggies? This is not shade bc your soup sounds great— I’m just curious!

      1. I did one of the grocery delivery things and they got me . . . pre breaded chicken? It’s fine on the side but can’t really go in soup.

  2. Please help this southerner with winter footwear. I’m too old to be this clueless ha.

    I’m going with my aunt to visit four different German Christmas markets this December. We won’t be in any major cities, so I don’t think I need to worry about fashion too much (Nuremberg, Rothenberg, Heidelberg, the microscopic village our ancestors came from, and Trier).

    I own Bean boots, low slip-on Bean boots in forest green, and a retro pair of Eastland Seneca boots. And a pair of rose New Balance that really don’t seem the thing for Europe ha. Blundstone boots that I see recommended here so often seem very clunky and not me. We might walk a convenient trail, so practical is good, but we aren’t planning on major hiking. Lots of time in restaurants and walking through stalls and shops. What would you wear/bring? Thank you!

    1. Something like Blundstones are actually perfect for city walking in damp weather. They’re really not that bulky.

    2. Maybe look at Merrell Jungle Mocs? I’ve also found that Ariat Scout Paddock Boots are super comfortable for walking distances in cities — they go with slacks and dresses, with tights or thin socks. Have fun!

    3. Also a Southerner and have done a few winter trips recently– the shoes that I have found most helpful for travel and my daily life are Blundstones. I bought these initially for a trip to Lake Tahoe where I did some light hiking. I did not wear any other shoes during that trip. I also wear them a lot in my daily life in my SEUS city– more than I was expecting. They can be worn in wet weather but aren’t too hot for the SEUS and don’t look like rain boots. (I.e., I can wear them casually and at my casual office.)

      I wore Bean boots on winter trips to NYC and Montreal- they do not have a lot of cushioning/support, so while weather appropriate, I found they were not really made for a lot of city walking and hurt my feet. My lasted for years, but I really only got use out of them in my SEUS city when we had winter weather, which is only a few weeks out of the year.

      I switched to some leather sneakers on the NYC trip after the Bean boots started hurting my feet– these were comfortable and actually worked out fine walking on snow and ice since they were leather and had thicker platforms. However, the salt on sidewalks started cracking the leather. Not sure if there is a way around this.

    4. Buy some Paul Green waterproof boots in Germany for much less than they cost here. Mine have never required breaking in. So good!

    5. You want boots that will keep you warm.
      You need to be able to wear a pair of medium wool socks (smartwool or similar).
      It’s a good idea for them to be at least a little water repellent. There could be snow and ice, so a grippy sole, not a smooth one.

      Any sort of Chelsea boot or laced leather boot will be fine, as long as you have room for warm socks. Cold feet in December is miserable! Nobody will care if the books are hiking boots, or adjacent.

      The Eastland Seneca boots are to slippery, you need a better sole. The Bean ones would be unusual unless its below -15 C, but at least practical.

    7. I have some black suede Merrell sneakers that are not the most attractive but are incredible for walking. They are sort of a hybrid between sneakers and boots.

  3. I was shocked by this morning’s thread. There has been a 56% increase in annual mortality rates in Texas in the two years since they enacted an abortion ban. Women are d y i n g preventable d e a t h s because of denial to basic healthcare.

    I can’t imagine the callousness that goes into not caring about this issue simply because you yourself are not pregnant.

    1. I think the point is people care about abortion but they also care about Kamala’s economic policies – of which she has not shared much of.

      Dems tend to turn everything into single-issue voting, and while healthcare is important, other issues—like the economy—affect everyone.

      High taxes, reckless spending, and economic policies that don’t encourage growth are hurting everyday people.

      The economy is booming only for the rich. I know this board skews pretty wealthy so you may not realize how out of touch you are.

      1. Oh ,come on, let’s get real here. First, health care affects everyone — you can bet a family would be quite adversely affected, economically, if mommy dies at the hands of a callous state legislature. Second, VP Harris’s economic policies have been described and are available at her website — look them up! Third, former Prez Trump created this women’s healthcare crisis, preventably resulting in real deaths, and he is untrustworthy on any representations he makes about any political policies, as he tends to simply go with whoever is the last person to speak with him or whoever he can screw over or who increases his personal financial situation.

      2. republicans are waaaaay more single voter issues on abortion than Democrats, and R politicans only talk about the economy and other issues that effect “normal people” when it’s politically expedient. If you think Republicans actually care about Joe Shmo the plumber in Alabama, I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.

        I agree this board skews wealthy and often out of touch and the stock market is not the only measure of a healthy economy. But you have it backward. Trump wants to cut taxes for the very wealthy at the expense of the middle class.
        https://www.americanprogressaction.org/article/the-middle-class-will-pay-the-price-for-trumps-tax-cuts-for-the-wealthy-including-repealing-the-affordable-care-act/

      3. Sigh. OK, let’s put the whole horror of government making decisions about someone’s body aside.

        Here’s what I see. Dems have had some of the best employment numbers, saved us from a recession coming out of Covid against all odds, and kept inflation in line or better than most other countries coming out of Covid. Economists have called Trump’s plans (which show no actual understanding of how tariffs work) as dangerous to our economy. Yes, they have used words like reckless and dangerous. I’m sorry that the thought of someone talking about middle class tax breaks and investment in home ownership isn’t as flashy as the guy who is going to give himself more breaks when he’s not selling watches, sneakers, trading cards, and bibles with his name or growing wealth of his ill-qualified family in key government positions. Wealth inequality is higher in the United States than in almost any other developed country and he wants to continue to give the highest more breaks. Sorry, but I’ll choose the one likely to make my life and many others better than continuing to line his own pockets and those of his friends at my expense.

        And don’t get me started on the fact that almost everyone he surrounded himself with in his first term has said they won’t support him again. Why do we have Vance? Because if it were up to him that day, Pence would be dead. That man belongs nowhere near our nuclear codes.

      4. Ok, I’m the poster who used the word “booming” earlier and I think my tone was off. I am certainly not wealthy by the standards of this board (we cook every single meal at home every single week, outsource nothing, I cut my whole family’s hair including my own because the salon costs too much, etc. We have what we need but feel the pinch, too.)

        What I was trying to say was that by the objective macro view of “the economy”, we have done better than anyone expected coming off Covid. The stock market (and everyone’s retirement accounts) are up, unemployment is down, etc. But the average American is struggling on a micro level. And Dems have bundled the messaging that they understand and are compassionate, but are also capable of stewarding the economy in tough waters.

        2. Unemployment isn’t down. The jobs reports are revised significantly after each release. The current report is mostly government jobs. 2-10x more new government jobs than is normal. If not for that unemployment would’ve risen.

          3. Here’s a nice (neutral–source BBC) coverage of not only unemployment rate but job growth, GDP % change,etc. summary for those interested:

            https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c8xl5vnlzpwo

            I feel like there is so much misinformation out there. And do some googling on what economists are saying comparing likely impact of the candidates’ economic plans.

            Here’s a neutral source of other key data points: https://www.factcheck.org/2021/10/trumps-final-numbers/

            Don’t just believe whoever is blowing the most smoke for the day on social. And if you’re looking for more depth comparing their economic policies and likely impacts, check out this NPR interview with Brookings Institute (also neutral): https://www.npr.org/2024/10/03/g-s1-26141/how-do-trump-and-harris-economic-plans-compare-an-economist-weighs-in

      5. For many decades, the Republican Party made abortion the cornerstone of courting evangelicals. The single-issue voting was a Republican tactic; abortion was the central and trenchant issue that made Republicans / evangelicals vote. So Democrats pushed back legislatively and ideologically. That’s not Democrats making things single-issue voting. That’s the legacy of white-Christian-nationalism-as-Republican-values.

        Everyday people are hurt by the protections of insurance companies and corporate profits, among other issues. The fallacy of the Republicans as “less government” and “less spending” died when Reagan made “family values” the feature of the Republican Party, meaning protecting corporate profits against unions; demonizing healthcare and making it expensive and difficult to procure. And the longer legacies of conservative / censoring educational policies and denying climate change hurt everyday people now and in the future, too.

      6. You’re not well educated if you think Trump would be better for the economy. Maybe that explains your socio-economic position?

    2. That poster was likely not a woman and probably wasn’t based in the U.S. The Russian tr011 farms are ever more sophisticated, to name just one possibility. But actually, the syntax and tone was similar to other posts I’ve seen here, so either it’s a dedicated tr011 long-op or a deeply, deeply unhappy regular.

      It’s also amazing what does and doesn’t get posted here. I guess the drama drives clicks, but I’ve seen way more anodyne posts never make it through.

      1. I thought the syntax was similar to some of the anxiety-ridden posts about college admissions, so I’m going with deeply unhappy regular poster.

      2. I love that anyone who disagrees with you (the collective “you”) must be a Russian troll farm. No actual person could possibly disagree because you are all so, so, smart and absolutely know what’s best for all of us who are not.
        Blechhhh.

        1. It was the word foetus for me. I recall the word “jab” being used in a lot of anti-vax tr0l ling , when we don’t generally refer to vaccines as jabs in the US. It did turn out that a lot of that tr0l ling was coming from overseas t r o l l farms, which has now been widely reported on.

          This issue aside, it’s been obvious to me for a while that we have more of a t r o l l problem on here than we used to.

          1. Ha, I say “jab.” I have a British parent and I think it’s a cute expression and have preferred it to “shot” since I was a tween. It’s more descriptive, you know!? I probably used it in Covid discussions here, although not in an anti-vax way. I promise you I’m a long time poster (since 2009ish), live in the Midwest US and am left-leaning, 6x or 7x Covid jabbed (I’ve lost count), pro-choice and definitely voting for Kamala and other Democrats.

            I still think it’s extremely weird to claim someone is a Russian plant simply because of British slang or expressions. Not all readers here are US-based and the US is a very diverse country! British spelling is used in most of the Commonwealth, including Canada, and there are tons of Canadian posters here. But there are UK-based posters too, including named posters like Cb (who some people here have met in real life).

        2. Nah, it’s how it’s written, especially the responses and their timing relative to the original prompt. The outfits who do this are good, but they’re still pretty obvious once you recognize the patterns.

    3. Realistically, a LOT of government policies result in deaths. (Traffic laws, health insurance, unemployment levels, migration policy, etc are all going to lead to deaths). Abortion is far from the only issue with serious consequences, and I don’t think everyone saying that is necessarily just callous about it

      1. None of those issues have a simple or free fix though. The problem of death due to lack of abortion access does. The abortion laws also overtly discriminate against women in a way that things like natural disasters and traffic accidents don’t. People are mad that male politicians view women as expendable and don’t care if we die. I don’t know why it’s hard to understand that people are outraged about that.

        1. Right. It’s like the GOP wants to keep smashing women over the head with a sledgehammer and we want it to stop. This isn’t a complex policy issue with no solution. Simply stop hitting us.

        2. There is no such thing as Abortion Yes vs Abortion No. Almost every version of either of these has exceptions and also processes that make things easier or more difficult. It’s a very complex issue.

          1. The former situation (pre-Dobbs) was much better and the current situation is entirely the government’s own mess. The government may not be perfect at disaster relief but it doesn’t cause the hurricane. It’s not analogous.

          2. Your personal feelings or voters’ opinions on abortion may be complex, yes. But what’s very, very simple is that if you don’t want women to die, you cannot criminalize abortion. You can oppose it privately or hate it or think it’s morally wrong, but women are dying now that they can’t access it. It IS that simple.

      2. It’s ok to acknowledge that anti-abortion laws are a concerted, deliberate attack on women. We don’t design traffic laws to inflict as much damage as we can, even if some efforts lead to unforeseen consequences or there isn’t adequate budget for the best traffic calming designs. The intent to harm and subjugate isn’t there – although it probably is for migration policy.

        1. I think car and traffic laws are more aimed at children than women these days, though there was a time when fewer women drove and most households were single car households when neighborhoods that could only be accessed by car were used to isolate and control women.

          2. I think US car culture and traffic norms were originally intended to isolate and control women and children, but now women can drive, so now it’s mainly children. The physical risk to children has also been increasing with high riding SUVs (both when hit as pedestrians, and also from rollover crashes). I don’t think that’s intended but is on the level of how gun laws harm children.

    4. You know the expression, I don’t know how to make you care. That’s what it often feels like in Texas. If you don’t know someone who has been affected by the policy, it is likely only a factor of someone in your life did not tell you. I cannot tell you the sense of relief when my sister who has a high risk pregnancy because of her own health condition reached far enough in her pregnancy because it meant the doctors could save her without question and have her deliver early. This is just the reality, and don’t tell me about all the exceptions that are possible or that my friend out of state who is a doctor could deal with it. This just isn’t the world we should live in when getting basic health care. So, yeah, it is a single issue for me this election.

      1. My MIL is in Texas and after a political comment by FIL about abortion laws, I said “you know that’s why DH will never move back right?” The two of them have been on our case about why we don’t live in TX. I think they always thought it was me but in reality, we have two daughters. My husband won’t even consider sending them to college in the south, much less moving back.

  4. Would you slow fade this friendship? Be more direct?

    Friend and I both grew up in our parents’ social circle. Our parents are all still friends, us adult kids are friendly enough that we may see each other at big weddings or holidays or whatever but most of us don’t have our own one on one relationships in our 40s. This woman is also a lawyer and about 5 years ago was looking to make a move to a type of firm where I had worked. She reached out, I was happy to help, and over the years it became more of a friendship. We were texting each other, meeting up for coffee when we were in each other’s cities – all of this independent of our families. She invited DH and I to her wedding.

    Fast forward and in the last 5 years it feels like I’m around just to be her career coach. I can texts weekly about whatever the latest drama at work is, what should she say to her boss, how unfair is x. Her time at the firm ended up being a dumpster fire but then she moved to another employer that’s also similar to mine so I get to hear about that. Yet aside from work related stuff, I’ve noticed we only ever chat or grab coffee if I reach out. Otherwise I don’t so much as get a happy birthday or happy new year text. She held a baby shower like a half hour from my home and didn’t invite me and I only found out through the grapevine that she had the baby and if it was a boy or girl. Yet during the pregnancy she was texting me about how hard it was to have to go into the office while pregnant etc., telling me what stuff she still needed for the baby – I’m still not sure whether that was a gift hint or what.

    I tend to be easygoing in friendships and then people treat me however. I’m guessing this woman doesn’t view me as a friend, just someone who is there for work issues. I tend to let a lot of baby stuff go because who knows maybe the baby shower was for her inlaws side plus she’s a new mom – she’s likely too busy right now to be chatting. Yet I feel like when she’s back to work in another month or so, then it’ll be back to reaching out to me to talk about how hard it is or whatever. IDK feels very one sided.

    1. I might be missing something, but to me this reads like she considers you a work friend, where you were thinking of her as a friend-friend. Neither’s wrong or better, just different.

    2. it seems like she views you as a work/industry friend only. And that can be nice to have – someone to connect and b–ch with about things as a working woman/mom. Like maybe she doesn’t have other friends with the same kind of lifestyle?
      however it doesn’t sound like that’s the relationship you want or that you really like her all that much, I think a slow fade is fine and many times, it is OK to have someone that comes & goes throughout your life – it doesn’t have to be a big dramatic breakup.

    3. Agree – she views you as an industry contact. I think you assumed you’d be friend friends because you’ve likely known each other for years through your families, know each others’ parents, see each other at mutual weddings. I think not inviting you to her baby shower and not directly telling you the baby had arrived kind of solidified that. I didn’t invite my industry contacts to my baby shower and most of them eventually heard I had a baby, but that wasn’t the case with my friend friends. As busy as I was, I did send out a text saying – hey the baby is here, attaching a pic. It’s totally fine to step back if you’re not interested in fielding the post maternity leave issues – which can be a lot depending on work place. You don’t have to fight about it or anything, just be less available to respond to every text and invest your time in other relationships. You never know maybe years down the road you’ll both be in the same spot and be happy to either have each other as industry contacts or as friends for real.

    4. I’d slow-fade this, I think. Unless you’d really like to salvage this as a friendship (and it doesn’t sound like you necessarily do, though I could be wrong), then I’d just respond more slowly and more distantly to her texts, bit by bit.

      I too tend to be easygoing in relationships and people treat me however, which I’m working on not doing so much. I end of feeling used and rotten, and then I worry that I was too attached, etc. All to say that it sounds like the two of you have different ideas of what this friendship should be/feel like, and unless you have a connection you’d really like to keep, then I’d just start to back off.

    5. Sounds like she is using you, based on your previous (parental) family contacts. But if you were family friends, you would have been looped in on the baby. Seems like “you’re there when she needs ya.” Might be a bit harsh to say this, but DTMA! (But nicely, without burning bridges, as you are still in the same line of work, so you wouldn’t want a personal break-up to affect your own career prospects, unnecessarily.). Good luck!

    6. Without knowing more about the baby shower– I don’t know that I would read much into that unless it was a giant shower with everyone she knows. I had a sprinkle recently and had a difficult time figuring out how to invite– was hosted by a friend at a very small house– and did not invite a lot of people who I consider friends.

      However, I would go off how you feel/vibes here a lot– you are always the one instigating meet ups– which says a lot. I also try to be flexible with friendships, but I’ve realized that at a point, if you are always the one instigating, it is just a big use of emotional resources that I just don’t have. I would slow fade this relationship.

      1. +1 on the slow fade – it still allows one or the other of you to reach out when/if you have more bandwidth or interest. The older I get the more I appreciate having reason/season/lifetime folks – they all add value, just in different ways.

    7. If your parents are still close with her parents I would consider this a family friend (like a distant relative) you are doing a favor for, but not an actual friend.

      1. If it were me I would probably actually tell my mom some of this? Depending on how close your parents are.

        1. I disagree — no need to rile up your parents about an ancillary matter. They are still friends with the parents, but that doesn’t mean each family’s kids “have to” also be friends or involve the parents. If asked, you can just airily say, “oh she seems nice but we seem to have grown apart,” and leave it at that. Has the additional benefit of pretty much being true.

          But family relation you are doing a favor, for and not a friend, sounds exactly spot on. Great description!

      2. OP here – unfortunately my parents know of this and my mom does not like it. Both sets of parents are good friends with each other still – probably talk at least once a week. My parents knew ASAP the baby had arrived bc the grandparents called, told them the name. I found out later via my parents and generally thru the grapevine. My mom was miffed on my behalf because this woman’s mom mentioned she was having a baby shower for her friends then I never got an invite. So I’m the one smoothing it over being like eh NBD, the baby shower was probably just her very close friends and cousins. I don’t HAVE to be friends with this woman, but I don’t want it to mess up these long standing retiree friendships either.

        I guess you all are right, I’m only the distant family friend who is there as needed and only as needed, not an actual friend.

    8. Stop answering her work texts and stop asking her to get together. She already faded on your friendship. You do not need to fade. You just need to match her energy.

    9. I disagree with the “she considers you a work friend” view because a) they’ve known each other since childhood, and b) you don’t text your work connections complaining about your boss or what things you need for your baby. Those are “real” friend things. I think the OP is right to feel stung.

      1. I agree with this. It makes sense to feel hurt and used. OP it sounds like you value her more than you feel she values you. It also doesn’t sound like she is adding much direct value to your life? I would do a slow fade.

  5. Anon for this as it’s an anxiety ridden question – was brushing teeth this morning and noticed the shelf in the medicine cabinet where I keep my toothbrush looked a bit discolored. Looked close and OMG looked like some kind of orange film so I figure mold? My sink and bathtub get an orange film from time to time so IDK if it’s the water or what. But anyway was grossed out because my toothbrush that was in my mouth had sat on this shelf and this has likely been going on for weeks. Anyway threw out that toothbrush, proceeded to rinse with Listerine, pulled out that shelf and washed it with hot soapy water and dried it and left the shelf empty so it would air dry all day until I put a new brush on it tonight.

    Anything else I need to do here? Is this just because toothbrushes are going back into a dark wet place and over time mold will grow? I will check the other medicine cabinet where DH keeps his brush too – just trying to not mention this in front of DH because he’s anxiety ridden enough that he’ll freak out for days and want to reconstruct the bathroom or something. If I’m being honest, living with someone so anxiety ridden has made me overthink these things. Like in my childhood home I’d be like uh whatever, wipe it off with a paper towel and be done, not even grab a new brush since the brush itself looked fine.

    1. Two responses:

      A. Don’t freak out about it
      B. But keeping your toothbrush in the medicine cabinet is a bad idea. It needs to dry out between uses so bacteria and mold don’t grow and the moisture isn’t good for your medicine cabinet either.

      1. I am not OP but I keep my bathroom in a closed cabinet because I don’t want the aerated toilet flush particles to get on my toothbrush.

        1. *toothbrush in a closed cabinet, is what I meant to say.

          It doesn’t really have time to get moldy being used twice a day anyway.

    2. you’re fine, but also, I don’t suggest keeping a toothbrush in a closed space, like anything else damp.

    3. That pink/orange mold is really common in bathrooms. Not a big deal. Your anxiety is making you spiral.

    4. Do you live in a dusty area? I do, and anything damp (toilet, tub, toothbrush) gets an orange film on it eventually. I just clean or replace them more often, but it’s not a big deal.

      1. This is dust related?? Not the OP but I’ve totally had the orange film issue when living in NYC, DC etc. – places where you get air pollution from all the traffic right outside your door.

        2. Dust and air pollution seem like two sides of the coin to me, but mine is definitely sand related!

    5. Echoing everyone here — it’s all okay. It’s normal bathroom mold from soap scum. Air out your toothbrush and wipe down your medicine cabinet shelves periodically. But you’re fine! And your house is fine!

    6. Don’t worry about it. Really. I guarantee this has happened to me over the course of life and I haven’t noticed it for weeks at a time. It legit happened once in high school and I didn’t do anything about it or tell my mom for months – until my mom noticed once when cleaning out the medicine cabinet. It was never a big deal. Just clean your medicine cabinet more frequently so you can stay ahead of it. Assuming you don’t have anyplace you can keep your brush out to air dry after uses – try to get as much water off the brush as you can every time.

    7. the orange film sounds more like the slimey mold that grows in glasses if you don’t wash them regularly — i change out my bedside water glass weekly because of this.

    8. You’re fine. But I like to keep my toothbrush in a cover. No matter what, it is in a bathroom, so a cover is better

    9. Do you store your toothbrush laying down on a shelf? Try a holder that keeps it upright so the scummy water drips down the handle instead of hanging out in the bristles and soaking on the head all day and night.

  6. Did you have any one big deal breaker when you were dating? My SIL told me hers was football bc she did not want to be a football widow, and my BIL told me it was bananas because he hates them. Made me laugh when they told me and made me realize I really didn’t have 1 particular thing or other. Maybe DH and I each had the same one- cannot by from our respective hometowns.

    1. It took me an embarrassingly long time to develop this one, but being mean to me is a big dealbreaker!

    2. I’m not moving back to their hometown, nor do I expect them to move to mine. We’d live where we met or we’d mutually figure out another place based on our jobs. I’m also not moving out of the country for them. Basically I wasn’t going to set up a trailing spouse dynamic.

      My other ones were religious but I was mostly dating within my faith so they weren’t a big deal – things like no alcohol in the home. I was even ok with someone drinking at a restaurant or party but they had to be ok with no beer or wine coming into the home.

    3. Other than major things like political/religious beliefs, mine is golf. I will not be a golf widow!

    5. I feel like I had a ton of dealbreakers. I would never date one of those guys who disappears for whatever sport they watch for a whole season. We have a family event during a football game, it’s me or the football game. Same thing with a man who expects my career to come second to his, mommy issues, religious differences, etc. Thank goodness my boyfriend doesn’t have any of these dealbreakers.

    6. No pets ever. Or maybe a goldfish at most.
      Being mean to me or putting me down even as a joke if it’s done regularly.
      Moving back to their hometown unless their hometown is a major metro area say Chicago or something. But I wasn’t down to moving back to someone’s 10,000 person suburb so they could buy a house in their old neighborhood.

    7. I didn’t realize it at the time but it really boils down to respect and effort — for me (partner), home, family, friends, work. It might come out in different ways, like being proactive with plans, cleaning up after yourself, remembering birthdays, etc. but all the same root cause!

      1. I think this is a better idea. DH is sports obsessed, but in a good way? it’s clear what his family values are, he doesn’t gamble, and its really a tool to bond with others. I do have to check him every once in a while, but I’d much prefer this over a gamer, or hunter. At least he’s home.

        1. Yes, I don’t get the sports as a hobby hate, though I love sports so I’m sure I’m a bit biased. But, sports are a social hobby – you get together with family and friends to watch a game, you have something to talk about, if your team is local, it’s fun being unified with strangers. We can watch together and chat about it.

          You can certainly partner sports with bad habits like excessive gambling or drinking or anger, but you can also be really into sports without that.

          You can spend a lot of money being into sports, or you can spend virtually none.

          Almost everyone I know who is into watching sports is also active in one way or another, which is also important to me.

          1. Certainly sports hobbies are very incestuous, specifically thinking of cycling and CrossFit. It’s totally valid to want to avoid that. I’ve had enough friends cry on my shoulder when the sports partner becomes the AP to scar me.

          2. My 12 year old daughter is a rabid televised sports fan and has converted me and and DH.

            Her BFF has two older brothers which is how it started, but here I am buying Sportsball tix for her bday and Christmas…

    8. The ability to entertain themselves/not need me for their entire social life. My ex was even more introverted than I was and literally could not be left alone at parties/gatherings unless it was with his small circle of friends. It got REALLY draining not being able to have alone time or even being able to bring him to a work function and expect him to socialize with my colleagues.

    9. Mommy issues – anything ranging from mom and dad coming first in ANY decision – like omg we can’t go on vacation then, my mom and dad expect . . . . To guys who couldn’t pick up after themselves or feed themselves because now they had a woman and they expected her to do it.

      Caveat – I know there are parent issues as parents get older that can’t be helped and no I wasn’t the type asking them to miss their parents’ golden anniversary or retirement party or anything. This was just more the garden variety stuff that comes up with 20-30 year old guys when the parents aren’t especially elderly but just are very involved.

      1. I’ve always joked my ideal man is an orphan. I have zero interest in dealing with someone’s mommy issues.

    10. Hah. I, on the other hand, am delighted when husband wants to spend half a weekend day watching football because then I go do my time-intensive hobby without him complaining.
      Mine was wanting kids. As in, I don’t want them.

      1. As a single person reading this this is what I was wondering. Generally I’ve thought its okay for him to have a time consuming hobby so you could also have one . . .

        1. I guess it depends on if you want a time-consuming hobby. I don’t and so I think I would be lonely if I had a husband who wanted to spend a large chunk of every weekend golfing. Watching football is less of an issue for me because I can join (and bring a book, knitting, etc. to keep myself occupied if needed).

          Also really depends on if you want kids. Solo parenting is *very* different than being solo with no kids to take care of.

        2. I think it’s totally fine if one person has a time-intensive hobby but is reasonable about it. Like – you understand you can’t vanish for an entire weekend day to golf when you have a newborn at home. Or that mom understands she may need to miss her 3hr training run if a family wedding falls on that day, etc.
          In general though I agree – I am NOT sporty and I’m delighted my husband has an active group of tennis/paddle friends he can play with and that I get some free evenings!

        3. Same. I have lots of hobbies, I wouldn’t date someone without hobbies (that sounds boring), and I want time to do my hobbies without guilt!

          Also, I enjoy football. I only watch my NFL team, but I’m a diehard fan.

        4. To me, it’s not necessarily the time consuming hobby. It’s more so the lack of flexibility. Every Sunday he has to watch the game or we’re at a wedding and he’s watching the game on his phone. Things like that would drive me crazy, especially if kids were involved.

          1. Guys (and it’s always guys) who can’t participate in life because the game is on are the worst sort of guys IMO. Especially sneaking peeks at the game at a wedding – that is so extremely rude.

    11. My deal breakers were must like cats, must be agnostic/atheist, and must share a specific moral belief/accompanying lifestyle. It worked out for me okay, but lots of people were very hurt I would not compromise on those things.

    12. I think before I met my husband I would have said not reading is a dealbreaker, but my husband doesn’t and I love him anyway. Fwiw, he is brilliant (STEM PhD), articulate and very well-informed about politics and current events. Just not a reader.

      1. Yeah – my husband is a very talented attorney who does super interesting work that contributes to society. He doesn’t read for pleasure. Ever. Reading is my no. 1 hobby. It hasn’t been an issue at all.

    14. Agree on no football, but more seriously, I could not be with someone who makes me walk on eggshells for any reason. A warm, loving household is my favorite thing in the world.

    15. A few.

      No to smoking, drugs or hairy pets.

      Yes to kindness, self-sufficiency and having some sort of interest/hobbies.

    16. Aside from values based ones, that I’m sure we all have on our list, like treating me with respect, being a good person, no anger problems, etc. my big ones are:

      Serious ones:
      1) Caring a lot about the common good AND putting your money where your mouth is. I believe that everyone should sacrifice for the common good and frankly I don’t really respect people who don’t.
      2) Agreeing to continue to live in the metro area where we already live. My family is here, my friends are here, my life is here.
      3) Extended family is very important. I expect that we’ll be involved with my family, and I’d expect to be quite with his too (if he wants that). Ditto close family friends.
      4) Self sufficiency. I am not your mother, your maid, your cook, or your social secretary. You don’t have to be Mr. Perfect who can cook a gourmet meal, clean everything perfectly, be financially savvy, and fix all the house stuff on your own, but you need basic skills in those areas and the ability to give it a shot. I have the same expectations for myself. You don’t need to be wealthy, but you need to make good financial decisions and live within your means. You don’t need to do every house project, but you need to be able to do basic ones and willing to try on other ones.
      5) Communicating well. I don’t expect this off the bat, but I expect effort from both of us here.

      Less serious ones:
      1) While I believe that it’s good for us to have our own hobbies, I would care about someone sharing some hobbies because they’re social / more fun to do together. So, sports are important to me and frankly, I’ve met very few people who don’t like sports and move on with their lives – most people I know who don’t like sports are anti-sports, think “sports ball” is stupid, etc. Sports (both playing and watching) are huge hobbies for me, my family, and my friends. If you’re anti-sports, you’re probably not going to fit in well. Second would be outdoorsy hobbies, I’m not going to stop doing these thigns so hopefully we can do some of this together. Not everything every time, but if you hate the outdoors or never want to hike or ski or whatever, we’re probably not a great match.
      2) I would prefer someone who is “fun”- they like to go out and socialize with our friends, they like to try new things, they don’t just want to sit back and watch TV all night every night.
      3) Idc about education levels or job titles, but someone who is intellectually curious or open to learning and new ideas. I think it is so cool when people have varied interests, hobbies, and generally contain multitudes. I love hearing about people’s new interests or the rabbit hole they just went down.

      I don’t care much about religion or politics, as long as it backs up being a good person (so no MAGA, but I would be fine with a moderate Republican if they still exist…) and doesn’t impede on my life (someone who spends all Sunday at church is not a match for me; someone who goes to church 1x a week for ~1 hour – fine with me). I am okay with kids being raised pretty much any religion or denomination as long as it’s pushing good values (so no church that’s anti-LGBTQ or pushes purity culture).

      1. Moderate Republicans are conservative Democrats now. There’s no non-MAGA wing of the actual Republican party.

        1. Oh totally agree – I was more thinking along the lines if someone was a Romney voter in 2012.

        3. Yeah I used to say I’d be ok with dating a libertarian but not a republican, but now all the men I know who call themselves libertarians are actually republicans who don’t want to admit they’re voting for Trump.

        4. the only good thing Donald Trump ever did was convince my Republican husband to switch parties.

    17. Hmm, I guess mine would have been they couldn’t be allergic to or hate cats. No way was I going to get at all serious with somebody who couldn’t be around my cat (the true love of my life). I think for lots of other things that are really more indicative of personality/values difference (like the football thing), I would have never started dating somebody in the first place.

    18. Religion
      This wasn’t conscious, but I realize that every time I am dating I breathe a sigh of relief when he informs me he is not religious and then I start to think “okay, this might work.” So I guess it is a deal breaker. Also must love dogs and be kind and generous.

      1. When they say they aren’t religious, just be sure you’re on the same page about raising kids. Sometimes people change their mind and want their kids to have a connection to their religion.

    19. My dealbreaker is being a man, even though I’m straight. Seriously, I’m so sick of men that I don’t even date anymore. Dating apps deleted, no set ups, no entertained advances (although I pretty much don’t get advances anymore at my age).

      1. Ha I relate to this even though I’m happily married. I think there’s basically zero chance I’d date again if my husband died or we divorced. It seems like the men out there range from bad to terrible.

    20. Besides values and compatibility mine was exercising regularly. You don’t have to be athletic, or in good shape, but it seemed like a bad sign if you weren’t doing that basic self care before marriage and kids when we all objectively had the time.

    21. – Planning to stay in our metro area. If they say they’re thinking about moving at some point it usually means they’ve made up their mind and *will* move.
      – No large or shedding pets. I gave it a fair shot and was miserable.
      – Must own tupperware and a headboard. I learned this is an excellent barometer for emotional maturity and adulting skills.

      2. “Must own tupperware and a headboard.”

        ( Thinks back over dating and marriage.)

        I’m in awe.

    22. Children and religion. Am happy to have just celebrated 25 years of child-free marriage with my atheist husband.

    23. I find the comments about religion interesting here – IME, people’s views on religion fluctuate over time. How do you handle that in a relationship if you had religion as a dealbreaker?

      1. Divorce probably. If my hyper rational science minded DH started believing in deities he would not be the person I married. Though I’d probably have him assessed by a psychologist/neuropogist before divorce to make sure there wasn’t a medical cause.

      2. That happened to me and DH. We were both atheists when we met and thought it was a dealbreaker to be anything else. Then I became Christian after 10 years of being married. He did not object because he said I seemed happier. He did ask me to stop going around telling everyone though. He did not attend church with me, I would go with the kids. He agreed to raising the kids Christian. 2 years ago, he became Christian as well.

      3. For me, in most cases, it has been someone who was raised in a home that eschewed religion and who has the same general anti-religion position I have. In one case, it was someone who was raised Catholic but also is, as a result, even more staunchly anti-religion than I am. So I’m not talking about men who are non-observant, questioning, undecided, “spiritual” but loose on specifics, etc They are against it. I can’t imagine any of them ever turning to religion for any reason.

    25. I had so many dealbreakers and maintain everyone should. Mine all involved character, work ethic, background, approach to life and intelligence. You’re not required to run a charity with who you partner with for life.

    26. I always said that if I asked a guy “tell me about yourself” and he said “well, I’m a Vice President at…” then I wasn’t interested. I’m career oriented & the higher earner in my relationship now, but I don’t define myself by my career and I wasn’t interested in dating men who did.

      1. I guess my other one is:

        A man who doesn’t need me to shine less so that he can feel like he shines more.

        A lot of men aren’t secure enough to be with a woman woo outshines them in some or many areas. I couldn’t be with a man like that. (And have left a man like that.)

      2. I find it super off putting when anyone leads with where they work in a social context. One (of many) reasons I hated living in Silicon Valley.

    29. I tend to get a lot of pushback even from women (who enjoy it as a hobby) but video gamers were a hard, instant no for me. I’ve never heard a story of a man who can successfully put down the controller after 30-45 minutes or who didn’t wind up using the gaming to ignore his responsibilities and “escape” from the relationship.
      Aside from that, a man who acted like spending time with me was a chore or was “so busy” that we couldn’t schedule something for weeks, no. Maybe it’s selfish, but I wanted a man who actively wanted a GF and cherished spending time and was excited to and looked forward to it, not who begrudgingly chipped off a few hours so he could get “free” gardening.

  7. Out of curiosity, does anyone listen to Call Her Daddy regularly and/or listen to the Kamala interview in particular? I’ve heard so many good things about the interview that now I’m curious about the podcast.

    1. Had never heard of the podcast but discovered it yesterday to listen to the interview.

      Was actually going to ask – is it accurate that there are entire age groups for whom news is bascially via podcasts? Call Her Daddy is apparently like 5 mil listeners per week mostly 18-24 year old women. But really when are people listening to podcasts and are people devoted to more than one? Or do you pick one that’s weekly and then listen to 5 per week on your commute?

      I’m age 40 plus so I don’t understand when people are finding the time. I commute but only 2 days per week and granted I listen to Bloomberg Radio then but if I ONLY relied on news on my commute, I’d never have any idea what was going on since daily commuting isn’t a thing anymore where I am.

      1. I listen to tons of podcasts, when I’m commuting is one time period and I go in 3-4 days a week, but also when I’m cooking dinner, going for a run, taking the dog for a walk, slow at work, etc.

        1. This. I listen to podcasts and audiobooks a lot. I rarely watch TV, and I walk a lot. So I listen while getting ready, cooking meals, walking, knitting, etc. Pretty much anytime others would listen to music or watch tv.

      2. I’m in my late 20s, I don’t listen to Call Her Daddy much, but I have listened to it. To have never heard of it is like to have never heard of Good Morning America – I don’t watch it, but I’m aware of it.

        I know podcasts are common among my age group, I think pretty much everyone I know listens to them. I listen to NPR Up First every morning while I get ready for work, so even though I’m not super into podcasts, I do get my news from them.

        I almost never watch TV, so if I want background noise while I’m doing something I am more likely to have a podcast on. So, cleaning, cooking, or working on a low key hobby, running errands, etc. I’m listening to either podcasts or music, depending on my mood. I am a runner, so I also listen to podcasts while I run, but I listen to music when I lift. My commute is short (10 minutes), so I don’t listen on my commute anymore but I used to listen on my commute. If I’m driving, it’s 50/50 if I’m listening to music or a podcast.

        I never listen to books on tape, though I know plenty of people my age who do while driving or commuting.

        The podcasts I listen to are a wide range: news (NPR Up First, Pod Save the World), funny or entertaining ones (currently loving the Lonely Island and Seth Meyers Podcast), informational (Stuff You Should Know, Overheard at Nat Geo), or related to my interests and hobbies.

        My preferred TV and podcast format is a mini series – I loved Winds of Change podcast, for example.

        1. Just wait until you’re 40, there will be entire categories of new things that you will never have heard of. I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just that life happens, you get busy, things slip by while you are worrying about when car tax is due, whether your car needs an inspection this year, whether the fence can be repaired or needs to be entirely replaced, or whether the kids outgrew their sneakers for the eighth time this year.

          1. Eh, I’m 50 and I’ve heard of Call Your Daddy and many other things. I like to keep up with what’s going on. It’s not something you have to give up to pay attention to car repairs and taxes.

      3. I’m over 40 also and listen to podcasts all the time. On my commute, on a walk at lunch, while doing dishes, tidying etc. I don’t think this is age related? Maybe you just don’t like podcasts?

      4. I’m in my 40s and have been a several hours a day podcast listener since Apple first added a podcast feed to iTunes almost 20 years ago now. I’ve heard of Call Her Daddy, but don’t listen to it, as I don’t think I’m the target demographic. I listen while commuting, exercising, cooking or doing other household chores, or doing tedious things at work. I don’t do tv or radio news or listen to much music, though I do also read plenty of news. I have 20 or so podcasts I listen to regularly, which come out anywhere between daily to monthly. Some of them are news, mostly politics, and some are on other topics.

        1. I should add, I don’t actually regularly commute to work anymore, but I still listen when in the car or walking to run errands and on long car trips.

    2. I’ve listened here and there, usually if it will autoplay after I am done listening to another podcast.

    3. Tried hard to listen to the podcast, but found it vacuous. Really hope this isn’t a reflection of young women’s aspirations.

      1. Building a successful podcast from the ground up that was sold for millions while talking about taboo subjects? I’m sure lots of women aspire to that.

        1. It’s hardly a worthy contribution to the world? Measuring success in terms of dollars is exactly the problem. Surely it’s better for young women to and contribute to She’s The Doctor etc.

    4. I only listen to Call Her Daddy if there is an interesting topic or person on. I absolutely loved the podcast with Kamala Harris! I think it’s a great way to get young women’s attention.

    5. I’m 50 and listen/watch occasionally on YouTube–usually if there is a comedian or other podcaster I like. I had no idea the podcast has the reach it does. My jaw literally dropped when I heard she landed Kamala. I caught most of it very late last night before bed. Was really good. I hope the women who come after me have the sorts of courage they discussed.

  8. Heading to Rome next week with dh, and looking for recs for any off the beaten path (or even on the beaten path, but not *so* touristy) restaurants, cafes, experiences.

    1. I love Rome but it has gotten SO crowded!

      I loved the Basilica of San Clemente (pre book tickets to the underground), Vicus Caprarius (same), and taking the train to Ostia Antica (download the Rick Steeves podcast because the signage is not great).

      Yelp and Google reviews are both amazingly helpful and will give you up-to-date information about places to eat.

      I hope you have a great trip!

    2. We stayed in northern Testaccio, about an 20 min walk from the Colosseum, and the restaurant scene there was way more chill-local than the places near the monuments, unsurprisingly.

    3. Seconding San Clemente, with underground tour. Then lunch at Contrario Bistro just up the hill. Via Celimontana, 21, 00184 Roma. I was staying nearby and went there many times.

      Ostia Antica is truly amazing. Almost no one there when I went in early July.

      The Priscilla catacombs are hard to get to on public transport but not crowded.

    4. Agree Yelp is good for restaurants. My favorite meal was Osteria 44. I’ve been to Italy a bunch and had a lot of great Italian food and I still think about it. Gelateria La Romana is excellent, have them put the melted chocolate in the cone.

  9. Following up on the podcast post, but I listened to Wind of Change podcast on a recommendation from this board. I have a lot of driving coming up and am looking for another podcast.

    I love a mini series podcast, but it doesn’t have to be that. I prefer something investigative, but I prefer mystery to true crime (I agree with the comment this morning that true crime feels exploitative to the victims and their families). The CIA / conspiracy theory aspect was very fun for Winds of Change so I wouldn’t hate more of that, but open to anything.

    1. There’s one from WBUR called “Last Seen” that has a multi-episode series about the Heist at the Isabella Stewart Gardener Museum that is excellent.

      Also might not be your cup of tea, but I just listened to one called Burn Wild about hunting an ecoterrorist from the 1990s. No one gets injured in the crimes, but they do involve arson. They talk to the man who set the fires, and I just found the whole thing to be fascinating.

    2. “How to f&%ck up an airport” about the new airport in Berlin. It’s a few years old, so the series was made while it was still under construction.

    3. Project Unabomb about Ted Kaczynski, the Unibomber, was fascinating. It isn’t too gory or true-crime-y, definitely more investigative IMO.

    5. Not quite the same at all but I always recommend Winds of Change and I also really enjoyed this one: The Witch Trials of JK Rowling. It’s more nuanced (from both sides of this) than I expected and very engaging.

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