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(L-3)
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Mischief Managed
Trial tips anyone? I’m trying my first case next week (bench trial, state court). I have not even conducted an evidentiary hearing since law school (long story, but in short, I am not a litigator!). Any words of advice from the Hive lawyers?
Miky
bring nothing you will fidget with. put hands on podium if you will do stupid things with them. wear shoes you can rise and sit with. sound confident. speak at a pace people can understand. have fun.
Anne Shirley
Exciting! On such short notice , there’s no way you are going to become a master litigator, so I’d focus instead on making sure you know every fact you need to win your case, and how you are going to get that fact before the judge- which witness or exhibit. And remind yourself that judges see terrible lawyers all the time. If you’re well prepared and know your case, a reasonable judge won’t hold a lack of polish on trial skills against you.
HSAL
Maybe it was you, Anne Shirley, but someone in the last few months made a comment about how the judge isn’t looking for a perfect performance, but to learn what he/she needs to know to make a decision on the case, and you are the one with info he needs. It was one of the most valuable things I’ve read on here and I really appreciated it.
Mischief Managed
I find both these sentiments so reassuring… lack of polish is what I have been worried about more than anything!
A scented Kindle
As a junior litigator and former law clerk, I love this sentiment and think it is totally accurate. Not polished, but preparedness is key.
I’d also drop a note about integrity, not to sound preachy or imply that you don’t have it, of course, but my experience with judges is that they’re not looking for your polish but whether your facts and your presentation of the case can be trusted. Easy ways to mess this up- stretching a case to say something it shouldn’t, stretching a fact, or being unprepared to the extent you get a fact or case wrong. Again, common sense, but one trustworthy lawyer is worth 10 polished tricksy ones.
Ellen
Yay! A fellow litiegator! I was where you are 6 year’s ago, and I knew virtueally NOTHING about litieagation. Dad told me the onley way to learn was to DO, so I DID. I sat watcheing the manageing partner when he tried 1 case, then just learned how to COPY his style. Of course, I now have my own style, and that also include’s styleish clotheing that the manageing partner make’s me wear b/c the judge likes me in red clotheing (or white) with 4″ heels that I would NOT otherwise love. (Speakeing of witch, Kat, these are great flat’s but I can’t get reimbursed for flat’s).
OP, don’t worry, you will be fine. The other peeople are saying good thing’s you should do, so the onley thing I can add relate’s to my experience to be prepared, look professional, and be sure to figure out who the judge is b/f you go in b/c they all have their own quirk’s. I am pretty luckey b/c I appear before 1 judge here and a few more in Queen’s, Brooklin and the Bronx (FOOEY), and they do NOT care for me as much as the judge’s freind here in Manhattan. I realy have an edge here with him b/c I appear before him alot and he look’s forward to me standeing up and presenteing my case’s. He even told the manageing partner to make sure to keep reimburseing me for my 4″ heel’s after I told the judge that I generaly prefer 3″ heel’s, but wear the 4″ b/c of the reimbursements being AUTOMATIC. YAY!!!!!!
JJ
Read and reread the Rules of Evidence and applicable Rules of Civil Procedure. You can never be too familiar with them before trial. Otherwise, don’t grandstand or act like you’re arguing to a jury. I love bench trials – all the fun of trial and not having to deal with a jury crapshoot.
Anon
Learn from my mistakes: 1) Don’t make faces (or worse laugh) in reaction to testimony even if you shocked by an outright lie or outrageous statement. Poker face! 2) Make sure your exhibits are super organized and you have a plan for how you will quickly distribute them to the judge, clerk, witness, opposing counsel, etc.
Sacha
And have a system for ensuring that for each exhibit you need/want to put in evidence, you (1) lay a foundation; (2) offer the exhibit; (3) get the exhibit entered. And also make sure you confirm whether your opponent has done the same and for what exhibits. A second person with a checklist is the best way to do this, but if you are going it alone, you can likely manage.
anon
+1 to both of these. Organization is key.
Mrs. Jones
Be courteous to court staff. Be aware that even if the courtroom is empty, there could be a microphone picking up what you say and a speaker in the judge’s office. Bring your whole case file as well as copies of key cases, statutes, etc.
Blonde Lawyer
Can you carve out an hour or two before your trial just go sit in the court room? Watching any hearing is good but one your judge is conducting is better. Check out the layout. Know which table is yours. In most places the party bearing the burden of proof sits closer to the jury chairs (even in a bench trial).
Have you had your pre-trial conference? If someone else handled it make sure you get all the info from them if anything was said about the Judge’s preferences. One judge in my district likes a binder of all possible exhibits pre-marked. If both sides agree they are admissible they are admitted without even moving them. If not, they are marked for ID and you still go through the usual procedure. Since it is a bench trial and not jury trial the judge isn’t concerned about prejudice from exhibits that don’t make it all the way in. I really like this process and a lot of lawyers here have adopted it for other judges too. My main point though was to find out, if you can, if this judge has any specific preferences.
cavity maker
Can you go and check out the courtroom ahead of time and practice a little bit? It may make you feel more comfortable.
Also, for me, I would practice speaking slowly– for the record and the sake of the court reporter, because when I am more nervous I am a lot faster. Working on being super organized also helps me. There is an saying amongst my friends (we all practice family law in state court), that the attorney with the best binder wins– being prepared goes a long way in my courts.
making sure that your exhibits are premarked, exchanged a head of time, etc. saves a lot of time and makes you look good.
Bonnie
Be prepared and don’t guess. It is much better to tell a judge that you do not know and will file a supplemental pleading by the end of the day than to guess and guess wrong.
Miky
Running into problems with junior employees – seeking advice.
I work at a busy small boutique firm on flat salary. It’s a high flat salary but a flat salary, no bonus.
Our firm has hired it’s third junior lawyer (the other two departed) and he is very similar to the first two. Shows up late, sloppy work, vanishes for large parts of the day, won’t take calls, suspicious number of sick days, sloppy noting up of files, not prepared for court, poorly trained for court, in need of a lot of guidance and supervision, not able or willing to cover for senior lawyers on vacation. Like the two previous ones he is quite older than me.
I am a 3 year call. The difference in my salary and the difference in their salaries is reasonable but it’s not huge.
I started as I did previously with the other two with offering a lot of help, a lot of supervision and outright doing a lot of the work because it would not have gotten done otherwise. Personally I welcomed them to our city, invited them for meals at my home, introduced them to people and contacts etc.
I can’t keep doing 2 jobs at once and covering for senior lawyers on vacation. It is even more upsetting that none of these three appears/appeared to be trying. I mean, for large parts of the day they are simply gone and the new lawyer has taken more sick time in his one month of employment than I have in almost two years.
What am I supposed to do? The employers are aware of my concerns. They didn’t fire the last two who behaved like this, those two thankfully both left. I can’t deal with this much longer.
AIMS
Stop helping them so much. It’s possible that your doing their work is only masking the extent of the problem. I would not do more than necessary to pick up their slack.
TO Lawyer
+1 – I’ve noticed some people will take advantage of you picking up the slack. I would force them to fix their mistakes and stop covering for them – if they’re really that bad, eventually the senior lawyers will pick up on it and be forced to take some type of action.
Personal story time – I have found that as a third year, the students take my assignments less seriously than those of a partner (not necessarily unreasonable) but come to me with many questions, where it becomes obvious they hadn’t even bothered to read the document I sent them to. I’ve stopped responding to everything – they need to learn how to think through the issues and solve these problems themselves so I encourage them to think about the issues and let them come back to me with solutions.
Anne Shirley
Why are you doing their jobs instead of letting them fail? If I’m understanding this right, being a 3 year call means they are more experienced than you, and your employer knows what is happening and isn’t doing anything about it. Establish as much as you can what your job is (maybe an email to your boss with “based on our discussion today, I am doing x, y, and z on the Jones file”) and then if other stuff doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.
JJ
Also, if the employer is aware of your concerns and knows what a horrible job the previous two attorneys did and did not fire them, then you know what kind of employer you work for. Stop doing his work and then the partners will see the full extent of apathy from the new attorney.
Orangerie
Yeah, this speaks volumes about the values of the people in charge. I would 1- stop helping junior lawyer outright, 2- CYA on what your designated responsibilities are, and 3- look for a new job if you really can’t handle this type of environment for much longer.
Sorry to be harsh, but if your higher-ups are fully aware of the situation and haven’t done anything to rectify it, the only way it will change is if junior lawyer leaves (why would he, sounds like he’s got a pretty sweet deal with you doing his work for him) or if you leave.
Lily-Student
Internship update! (nearly two weeks in)
I’m really enjoying it so far, learning loads! Gradually getting to grips with smart dressing, and I’m loving sheer tights – who knew?!
(UK people – the M&S bare cooling ladder resist 7 denier appearance ones – Autograph)
Also, I feel like the challenge with dressing is looking young and feminine, but not too young or too feminine – thoughts?
Been given a bit of a research project to work on, so it’s all exciting.
Anyone in Edinburgh or coming to Edinburgh, drop me an email on lily_actually at hotmail dot co dot uk if you want to go for drinks?
Cb
So glad you’re liking it! We’ve had some lovely weather and this is a fun (albeit hectic) time of year in the city.
emeralds
Love. Those. Shoes.
Anon in NYC
me too.
Anon
Me three. If they came in a wide width I would be all over them.
Anon
Actually, scratch that. I just noticed that they have a man-made lining. That is way too much money to pay for shoes that will have my feet swimming in sweat.
Anon for this
So, my fiance told me that he’d noticed I’d gotten softer around the middle in the past couple months. It’s true – by five or seven pounds. But I was so, so sad he brought it up. He told me that he was worried I’d just gradually gain weight for the rest of our lives and that would be a deal breaker for him. I guess I don’t even know how to react… thoughts?
Miky
If you are sad re weight make changes.
If you are sad he noticed – well, he has eyes.
If you are sad he said something – maybe have a boundaries conversation with him? like my husband can tell me if something is see through, too short, too young for me etc but he knows not to comment on weight.
Anon
Never were wiser words said. Well put, Miky.
Shay-La
I agree with Miky.
But would like to add that you should really evaluate what he said and the way he said it vs. the way you heard what he said. We all get defensive/hurt when talking about our weight (it’s so personal, it’s hard not to!). From your account of it, the way he brought it up is terrible. And my husband is also on notice that no such words should be spoken, especially like that.
However, I don’t think it’s taboo for a life-partner to be concerned about your weight. It is true our bodies change as we get older, as commenters have mentioned, but 5-7 pounds in two months may actually be alarming depending on the situation. My weight has ALWAYS fluctuated, so this would not be so alarming for me/my husband. If you’ve had the same type of body and weight for X many years, then 5-7 pounds over two months could be something that is worth mentioning–but kindly.
Did he really say that gaining weight would be a deal breaker? If so, did you engage him and ask why? Or what if he gains weight, how are you supposed to handle that? Because he will.
lawsuited
Miky left out one important possibility:
If you are sad that he cares that you gained weight and that he says that’s a “deal breaker” for him – cut him lose. There are enough people in this world who will tell you you’re not good enough, you really dont need to be married to one of them. There is nothing in this world more wonderful than knowing that you are wholly loved by your spouse – that’s what I would wish for you in your marriage.
Anonymous
Miky,
You forgot to ask if she would be sad if HE gained weight, as it would be a dealbreaker for her.
Or is she sad because she knows he has issues, or ignorance about health, weight, and its role in a non-dysfunctional relationship and he’s thrown a red flag? If all he was talking about was gaining weight.
If they married, and she developed a thyroid disorder after having their child, would he divorce her?
anon
Hmm – perhaps this is a dealbreaker for you? I had a boyfriend a long time ago like this & it caused a lot of mental issues for me. While I’m generally not one to say “dump him and move on,” something like this can be a really big life issue – weight can be hard to control, it can be up and down, and someone who threatens this being a dealbreaker may not be the best person to partner up with for life.
I'll be honest.
It’s okay if this is a dealbreaker for you if the way he said it made you feel horrible.
My husband is like this — I knew it going in, but for a variety of reasons, I ignored it. It’s awful sometimes. He knows he’s like this, and harder on himself for his weight gain, but it still sucks when he’s mean about it. There’s no reprieve during pregnancy, either.
Frankly, this is the only reason I can see divorcing him.
long time lurker
My dad was all about the ladies being skinny, and my mom confessed she was constantly on a diet and always hungry. I loved my dad but he would sometimes make comments to me especially during the awkward chubby stage I went through about how unattractive it is when women “let themselves go” and gain weight. He never told me I was fat but I got the message alright. I grew up mostly normal though. My dad passed away and my mother has definitely gained some weight but it looks good on her.
For some men this is a big priority It is what it is. Since the OP has gained a small amount of weight, it seems rather controlling. If she had put on 40 lbs in a few months I would say that could be a health condition. But 5-7 lbs? That’s vacation weight for me.
jc
I think you should run far away from this. Our bodies change as we get older and they will continue to change throughout our lives. I can’t imagine having a spouse who wouldn’t love me no matter how I looked. What will he think when you get pregnant or if you get sick? You deserve someone who will support you no matter your weight.
It’s one thing to be concerned about your health (e.g. hey let’s exercise together and eat healthy!), it’s another that you gaining weight would be a dealbreaker. I’m so sorry!
anon
I agree with this. His comments would be a major red flag for me.
S in Chicago
+1
tazdevil
Are you plannning to have kids? If so I would think twice about mixing DNA with such a shallow individual. Even my friends to have gotten back to their pre-baby size have substanitally diffrent figures now than they did before they got pregnanat. Also, you may want to ask that darling financee of yours wheter you are allowed to take the same deal breaker position regarding male pattern baldness and oh, “equiptment malfuntion” that seems to plague alot of men in their middle age.
BigMed
This x 1000. 10 yrs into marriage and 3 kids later, I can tell you that life gets crazy and stressful even without someone dogging you about 5-7 lbs here or there. I am back to pre-baby wt, but let me tell you, the bod is *different*. This dude sounds like he has issues that you don’t want to become your issues.
Philanthropy Girl
I would not have tolerated this statement at all. I t think the only person who needs to discuss my weight with me is my doctor. My doctor and I are the only ones qualified to determine with whether my weight is healthy and whether I am comfortable at my weight. And we are the only ones able to fix any weight issues we are concerned with.
If you’re really committed to making this relationship work, discuss with him how painful it is for him to say critical things about your weight. Tell him you prefer that he be more concerned about your health (are you eating well, are you resting well, are you getting enough exercise and so on), and that you would be happy to hear his concerns in those areas. If he can’t respect that, I would tell him that his attitude about your weight is a deal-breaker for you.
Anne Shirley
I think you need to talk to him about this. Traditional vows are for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I’m all for committing to trying to stay healthy for each other, but those vows to be mean “I will love you. Fat. Thin. With a disfiguring disease. Pregnant. Always”.
tesyaa
A bit of devil’s advocate here, but what about the thread a few days ago where the husband was severely depressed and alcoholic? A lot of commenters seriously suggested the OP leave the husband – and the sooner the better. Doesn’t depression fall under “sickness and health”?
Anne Shirley
The one where he told her he wanted out of the marriage and wasn’t willing to talk to a therapist or leave the house? Both people make vows and I didn’t see that guy living up to his end of the bargain.
Anonymous
If my fiancé gained 5-7 pounds, I would have also said something! Why are you upset with him? Your disappointment is misplaced. 5-7 pounds are so easy to lose. Don’t wait until 5-7 turns into 20.
Other commenters say what if you get pregnant, what if you get sick? But you are not pregnant and not sick.
Miky
Exactly! When my husband starts gaining weight I let him know. If I don’t and it gets out of control we need to buy suits.
He more subtly reminds me about weight. Like if he said you have gained 5 pounds it would be bad. He can say, this zipper on your dress is getting harder for me to fasten and I won’t freak out. :)
I think there are legitimate reasons to mention weight gain. Regardless of how you feel about health issues, gaining weight can be a sign of unhappiness at work/home, depression, medication side-effects etc.
Lastly, we marry people with certain ideas. Like, if my husband decided he wanted to pursue a professional poker career I’d leave. Same goes for many other things.
PJ
I think her disappointment lies in the fact that he called weight gain a “dealbreaker”…
I too would be crushed to hear that.
jc
+1 to this. People seem to be missing this point.
tesyaa
I also missed that they are engaged, not just dating. If someone would really call off an engagement over 5-7 pounds, that is really callous.
Anon
If someone would really call off an engagement over 5-7 pounds, that would be the biggest favor they could ever do for you. Save you from a lifetime of The Weight Police.
Anon
I think you should have a talk with him about it. Yes, it is shallow, but what exactly is he concerned about – the 5 lbs you gained now or some fear that you will gain 300? What does he expect will happen with age, or unforseen illness, to both of you? If you want to have children, what does he see happening to your body then? How does he see his body changing over your marriage? Yeah, it is a jerky thing to say, but it’s probably worth hearing him out to see exactly what he’s thinking (or not thinking).
tesyaa
I assume the dealbreaker would be your appearance, but if it’s your health he’s concerned about, it’s an entirely different conversation.
Anon for this
I’m going to take a slightly more forgiving approach to your fiance. Yes, from the comment he sounds like a cad but we are only getting one side of the story. Here is my thought.
I think it is fair to discuss with someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with their plans for maintaining their appearance. By maintaining their appearance I don’t mean +/- 10 pounds but whether they feel it is important to keep a particular body type to the best of their ability, whether they value eating healthy and exercising, what appearance things matter to them, etc.
Someone linked to a modesty website about skirt lengths and I clicked a few of the articles. One was things to consider before buying a dress. One was “will my husband like it.” That really annoyed me at first but then I thought longer on it. I don’t like long hair on men and I don’t like big beards on men. I’d be pretty bummed out if my husband grew out his hair and grew a beard. I probably wouldn’t be that attracted to him anymore. My husband likewise isn’t a big fan of super short hair on women so I would likely never cut my hair like that because it is not a look he finds attractive. My husband is also a fitness fan and very healthy eater and works to keep his body a certain shape. I flat out asked him once what would happen if I “got fat.” He said he would certainly still love me but he likely wouldn’t be as attracted physically to me. I think that is a fair and honest answer. We all have preferences in what we find attractive.
I don’t think OP’s fiance was saying he will leave her if she gains 20 pounds. I think he was trying to say “don’t let yourself go after we get married.”
I have such a split opinion on these issues because I think what men find attractive is a lot of what society tells them to find attractive. I want to say “I live for me, not the male gaze.” But, when you marry someone, you take their wants, needs and desires into account too. Many people don’t and we have many divorces for a variety of reasons. We have all seen someone get married and 10 years later they are 50 pounds heavier, not wearing make up, wearing “mom clothes”, cut off all of their hair, maybe stopped shaving their legs. Is that the same person that guy married? Not really.
I think OP needs to work out with her fiance their long term expectations of each other and what that means.
Anon in NYC
I agree with this. Will I still love my husband if his appearance markedly changes? Yes. Will I still be as attracted to him? Maybe not.
ETA – I also agree that the OP and her fiancé need to discuss these issues. People change. Age, illness, pregnancy, etc. OP needs to question this in much greater depth with her fiancé before she can say whether or not she’s comfortable with what he said.
Lorelai Gilmore
Women have babies. Some of them are able to lose baby weight, some aren’t. Some have bodies that are permanently changed by pregnancy. Some have extremely demanding children, some have extremely demanding jobs, some have both, some have those demands and more. We go on medication or off medication, we live in good walking cities or in driving cities, we have knee surgery and need to recover, or have cancer and need to recover. We age, get gray hairs, develop wrinkles. There are a million reasons why women gain 50 pounds, cut off their hair, and – mon dieu! – stop shaving their legs.
Do those change who we really are? Sure. But it’s not because our bodies are different. It’s because we are different. Our experiences mark us, whether it’s stretch marks from a pregnancy or five pounds from stress during a difficult period at work or just the fact that it is hard to stay slim.
After 10 years of marriage, I may not be the same person that I was on my wedding day. But guess what? Neither are you, even if you still fit into your honeymoon bikini.
And finally: OP, do you really want to be married to someone who is going to monitor 5-7 pounds of weight gain? Is that really something you want to do to yourself?
Rory
Preach it mama!
LA Lit
I agree, too. Let’s be realistic here. Yes, it is hurtful when someone close to you points out something negative about your appearance, especially something as sensitive as your weight. But in order to stay married for 50+ years both partners will need to put in SO much work to keep your relationship alive, from understanding “how to be married” to doing the work of raising a family to figuring out how to manage finances together to learning how to fight “right.” Part of this work includes putting in the work to keep a spark and passion in your relationship. No matter how much history and love you have with someone, if the person is no longer physically attractive to you it can be really hard to stay happy in your marriage. Yes, people should value marriage and family and history above fleeting bodily desires… but in reality cheating often happens because a couple loses a sense of intimacy. This is undeniably tied to whether the partners still find each other attractive.
My husband once said something similar to OP’s fiance to me and I actually appreciated it because it was before it was too late to turn things in the opposite direction. I looked at how my eating/exercise habits had changed and fixed them. I want my husband to find me beautiful and to be attracted to me, and I would hate to slowly gain weight without noticing until it drove him away. He feels the same way, and so we both now watch what we eat, exercise, and even track our weight together to hold each other accountable.
Red Beagle
+1. Mr. Beagle and I have, during our 10-year marriage and 14 years of being together, always individually had weight and/or body image issues of our own and each worked on ourselves, but never made it a topic that would be discussed in life-or-death of the relationship terms. A healthy weight was just something we each wanted for ourselves. Finally we decided a few months ago that working on our health and weight as a team might work better, so we started Weight Watchers together. He’s lost 10, I’ve lost 5, and we’re both happier for it though what we love most about it is that how we feel about ourselves helps us feel more loving toward each other. I never looked at the extra few pounds on him and if he noticed the extra few I was carrying around, he never said anything. The way the OPs fiance put it to her (potential deal breaker) is of concern.
Baconpancakes
Let’s step back from this a little bit. If you had been steadily gaining weight throughout the relationship, I could see where he might be concerned. If you gain 5 lbs in two months (that’s actually not much, depending on your frame, ladies – I gain and lose 5 lbs over the course of three days, and yes, I do feel/look thinner after those 5 lb losses), was it brought on by stress? Busy schedule? Just generally lazy and didn’t feel like cooking so you ordered out? A lot of client lunches?
Noticing the weight gain isn’t a big deal -like mentioned above, he has eyes. Even saying something isn’t that big a deal. But even mentioning your 5-7 lb gain in the same sentence as “deal-breaker” is incredibly controlling and manipulative.
If this is a pattern, again, I could see how he could be concerned. Unless you’ve been dating for four months, and engaged for two of those, there’s no pattern here. And your body WILL change. It’s impossible not to. You can reverse those changes with surgery, but a 50 year old’s body will not look like a 25 year old’s. Period.
If he doesn’t realize this, he needs a reality check, NOW. He might have internalized the picture of 50 year old MILF celebrities as a reasonable expectation. Address this ASAP. Get upset, even. Tell him how he hurt you, and why it makes you feel bad. Tell him that you will probably gain weight, most likely not that much, if you both eat healthy and make an effort to stay active, but that he needs to accept that, upfront, just like you’re going to accept that he’ll get a potbelly and lose a bunch of hair. We get old. It’s ok.
What will be telling here is if he doesn’t show remorse at making you feel so insecure and unhappy. People say mean things on accident in a relationship – it happens. None of us are saints. But if he doesn’t care that he hurt you – regardless of whether it’s a warranted comment, which it isn’t – then yes. RUN.
Parfait
I wonder if boys don’t realize exactly how much we worry about this our own selves, and that we do not need their comments.
I had a similar talk with my boyfriend about 6 months ago — but he didn’t say anything until I’d gained almost 40 pounds from where I was when we started dating. I should give him credit for not saying anything until then.
In my particular case, I had indeed already noticed my weight gain and agonized over it plenty. I told him how I felt about his comments and told him how I planned to address it, and I have started to address it – I’ve lost about 15 of those 40 so far. I did point out that my weight fluctuates and that he needs to be OK with that; and he clarified that his worry was more about being in a long-term relationship with someone with health issues than about my attractiveness.
Still, it was rough and it sucked and I can’t believe 5 pounds would be worrying enough to be worth commenting on, let alone calling it a deal-breaker.
MaggieLizer
I’ll be a bit more charitable to fiance and suggest (hope) that he’s having some anxiety and/or insecurity about this whole forever thing you two are preparing to sign up for. Tell him his comment was hurtful and you’d like to talk about where it’s coming from. Is he worried you’re going to become a completely different person as soon as you’re married, and then he’ll be stuck? Or is he really a huge jerk who would leave you over a slight weight gain?
anonish
are your parents (particularly your mom) quite overweight? A lot of men think “if you want to know what she’ll look like in 30 years look at her mom.” (even though this is totally wrong- I am built like my dad’s side of the family and will never look anything like my mom). So, he may see a few pounds but get concerned given some family connection he sees.
If that’s NOT the case, then this seems super controlling and frankly jerkish. 5-7 lbs is nothing. I’m only 5’2″ and it’s still nothing, I gain 5 pounds the week before my period every month. Yeah, I can tell, but…it’s 5 lbs. And it’s the ‘deal breaker’ language that’s concerning. I would just think..really? You love me that little? What if I get in an accident and lose my legs? or am paralyzed? never mind the fact I’ll gain weight when I’m pregnant, there are bigger problems that can happen in life than weight gain and someone being that body-focused when you’re talking marriage would just not be ok with me. If it’s his deal breaker, fine, but someone with that attitude would be MY deal breaker 100%.
Like others said, if you had gained 30 pounds or something in a short period of time, I could see him being like, whoa, honey, what’s going on here. Because that would indicate a health problem, either physical or mental (massive stress, depression, something). But 5 lbs? Like someone else said, I can gain that on a good weeklong vacation, easily.
I also don’t believe that people like this give a “pass” after pregnancy. A friend’s husband was this type, she was always thin (size 2-4). TWO WEEKS after she gave birth, she had lost all the baby weight, because she barely gained any to start with. But, of course, your tummy isn’t instantly flat bc your uterus takes time to contract again and the muscles are not tight yet. He pointed at her little (and I do mean little) pooch and said “The baby is out now, so what is THAT?”
Ugh.
I wouldn’t say “dump him” but I would DEFINITELY say a discussion is in order.