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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
How do you deal with getting older? I am really noticing physical signs of aging lately, like more pronounced jowls and grey hairs. I also feel less relevant. I used to feel like my youth was powerful. Now my generation has completed all its life milestones and now we just slide into irrelevance as fresher, newer generations replace us…
Curious if anyone has tips or insights on how to embrace getting older instead of feeling dread.
Born in '65
I’m 50+. I guess that, apart from concern about whether I’d be able to find another job if I left this one, I just don’t care. I DGAF about what people think about me anymore, and that has been so, so liberating. The feeling of being invisible to anyone 30 yo or younger has really freed me up. I focus on what I want to do. And then I do it, and I connect with the people my age, or who are 40+ and have something interesting to say.
On a more practical level, I hang out with others my age. The dog park community is great, and people there are dealing with some heavy things like spouses with terminal cancer. Perspective and support. Also I’m in a yoga class with same age or older people, and that is wonderful.
Alyssa
We are all getting older; just think of it as getting better. Once we no longer have to worry about birth control, we are free to do as we please and not worry. I saw Carly Simon on TV the other day. She must be 70 or so, looks her age, but I can always remember her singing “You’re So Vain”. She frankly does not care, and that is why she is so interesting.
Anonymous
Physical activity goals helps me. Like run a half marathon, learn a new sport, move up a level on ski runs etc.
EM
My viewpoint is that age is a privilege that only the lucky get.
Anon
+1 especially aging with a sharp mind.
Anon
This. I’ve known too many people that lost someone young. I’m grateful for every year me and my loved ones get.
Anonymous
This. Sad as it sounds, have a health scare (or even worse, an actual issue) and all the sudden it feels like a privilege to age, not a burden.
Coach Laura
+1000
January
+1
Anon
I like to think that relevance and power come with wisdom, experience, and expertise.
NOLA
Well, I am always of two minds. Yes, I have more gray hairs and more wrinkles (although I generally have good skin) and some lines. My body isn’t going to be perfect (well, without surgery). But I do all I can to look polished and not tired and have a good haircut (with highlights and lowlights to hide the gray).
That said, my mother did not live to age 50. I’ve already outlived her by 5 years. I’m healthy and strong and fit and feel confident and am always challenging myself in my work. There are times when I’m exhausted, but I’m here and I’m thriving. Confidence is a game changer, in my opinion.
anonymous
I am 50 this year….I am very active (running, biking, skiing, gym) and don’t feel very different….I think women get more endurance as they get older so maybe I notice that which is great! Maintain my cut and color every 4 weeks, take care of myself by eating right, getting rest. I work full time and I’m very busy…. I think the whole dreading aging thing is exaggerated in the media by advertisers.
Anon
Now is the best time ever….I see all these vibrant women over 50 – Julia Louis-Dreyfus is my favorite!
Anonymous
I workout, dye my hair, get fillers, botox,etc… I do all these things because if you look good people treat you better. You can debate the fairness in that but it’s a fact. Being treated better makes me feel better. So while if you asked me if I care what people think I would say I don’t care at all. I do care how I am treated and what people think is an input for that. I’m 60 and my peers who look and behave “old” do not have the work opportunities that I do and are not treated as well.
Suburban
This. There’s lots of things beyond our control but grey hair and jowels are literally problems that Yiu can throw money at. (Restalyne in my cheeks takes minutes and improves jowels for years.)
Housecounsel
I am with Anonymous at 9:39. I do all this, too. My mom does all of the same things I do and seems much younger than she is. I do not profess to be right or even mentally healthy about my choices, but for the most part, if something makes me feel better about myself, within reason, I’ll do it.
The original Scarlett
+1
Anonymous
Hahahahaha omg that sheer audacity of claiming you don’t care what you look like while being that shallow I can’t.
Anon
My dear, you need to calm down and take a little break from the internet. Maybe go eat a cookie or get some coffee or something.
Anon
You can not care what you look like while also taking steps to prevent people from discriminating against you for your appearance.
If it was just me, I would keep my hair buzzed, wear no makeup but BB cream, and wear athleisure. But I want to be taken seriously at work, so I have a conventionally feminine haircut and dress in similar clothes to the other women in my office. Those things cost money and time, just like beauty treatments, and I do them because of how I want to be treated, not because of how I want to look.
Anon
I know there was a long conversation earlier in the week about whether these are needs or wants or self care or whatever. One thing that I’ve noticed is that men generally do not participate in this stuff, and honestly they don’t look great compared to their wives. I’m in my mid-40s, and my women friends look sooooo good (IMO) and their husbands are starting to look like their dads.
anon
But… what’s wrong with starting to look older as you get older? I feel like it’s a privilege for men to not have to do all this extra stuff just to be treated decently as they age.
Anon
Oh nothing! And it is *totally* a privilege. It’s just an observation.
Senior Attorney
Yup. I do a lot of that stuff and for the most part am treated decently and taken seriohusky at 61. But it makes me pretty ragey that my looks-every-day-of-his-71-years husband gets treated even better with a monthly haircut and daily shower and shave.
editor
Speaking as the one who posted a few days ago that my (very similar) self-care routine is a chore and not pampering, and created a firestorm, I wish you luck with this post! I hope you are not excoriated for your “privilege” and accused of selling out to the patriarchy . . . or somesuch.
There’s an old saying, “After 40, it’s patch, patch, patch”, and I think this applies here.
I am older than you, by the way, and share your “work opportunities” experience. Your entire post, in fact, is vindicating. So glad you posted.
Anonymous
You presented a very time consuming and expensive luxury routine as a need that was exhausting you. People rightly pointed out that it was a choice you are making that is not an obligation that most people cannot afford to do.
Sorry you’re so privileged you can’t understand that concept. Must be sad to not get wiser with age but hey at least your face is frozen!
Anonymous
I didn’t read the post the other day. But holy cow is this rude. Maybe take a beat and question why you feel the need to be so mean to someone you don’t even know.
Ugh
Do better. You’re being rude, keyboard warrior.
anon
Yeah, this is incredibly rude, and it misstates her original point, which was simply that items like botox, massages, mani-pedis, hair appointments don’t necessarily feel like fulfilling self-care even though they are often billed as such, because they often feel obligatory. She wasn’t whining about having to do it, she was simply explaining why she did not feel like, for her, doing this routine was burn-out preventing, spiritually fulfilling self-care. This was in response to an OP who was feeling very burnt out and noted that a mani-pedi didn’t help that much. Your response is malicious and excoriates her for something she never said.
Anon
This is the same snarky person that posts little screeds like this everyday. She’s definitely got a stick up her butt. I feel bad for her that she feels such a burning need to be rude to other people, and she doesn’t even read well, she’s often attacking something that an OP didn’t say but rather what she thinks they mean. Just ignore, her bitter sadness will show on her unkept up face soon anyway.
Anonymous
Why are people so rude in these comments? Understand that a few sentences or paragraphs is not something to pick apart and pass broad judgements on. I enjoy reading different perspectives. I do not enjoy reading rude comments.
In line with the site culture, you should consider therapy.
Anon
Editor, you were criticized because you said these were things you had to do to exist as a woman in the world. I don’t judge anyone who chooses to get Botox, etc. But as a woman who has never had Botox, never dyed my hair, never had a manicure, etc. I find it really offensive that you think I’m not existing in the world as a woman. I also think your privilege is showing if you believe everyone does these things. 95% of women in America can’t afford this kind of “routine maintenance.” I don’t begrudge those who can afford it and choose to indulge in it, but it’s definitely a privilege and if you deny that fact you look very out of touch.
Anonymous
This. I can’t believe, editor, that you had the gall to come back here with some “woe is me, I’m so downtrodden” line. You made an outrageous, nonsensical statement. You were called out for it. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and self-righteousness, maybe develop a little bit of self-awareness and try to do better next time.
Anon
I do the same (regular workouts, skincare plus botox/filler, dye my hair) for exactly the same reasons. Thanks for articulating it so well.
Triangle Pose
This is totally true. I will do what I need to do to be treated well. Is it fair? No. Do I wish we would all be treated well regardless of our looks? Of course. Do I go out of my way to treat everyone with deceny and respect regardless of their looks, age, size, ability? Yes I do.
It’s ridiculous but when that E&Y training said the best thing women can do is “signal health and wellness” I totally understood why. I agree with the self-care poster from before. Sure, sometimes a massage does feel like self-care but to pretend there isn’t a difference in getting opportunities and just generally moving through life looking your best vs not doing anything for your appearance is to ignore reality.
Suburban
Also, What industry are you in? I find that there is a certain freedom to not looking twenty something in law. I’m taken more seriously at the outset, I am given the benefit of the doubt more readily and I’m subject to less condescension and lechery from creepy old men.
Telco Lady JD
Yup. This. Ten years ago, I looked much more like all of my (white, middle-aged, male) clients’ daughters than their lawyer. This is less of an issue now, and their willingness to take my advice more readily is appreciated.
The original Scarlett
Eh, I’m a lawyer and I think the pressure is still there to communicate that you’re up to date and with it, especially in rapidly changing fields like employment law, and overall there’s a pressure on lawyers to be polished (depends on the practice there too, I’m speaking to biglaw, big corporate)
Anonymous
+1. I think with law (and perhaps doctors get this, too), there’s pressure to look old enough to know what you’re doing but young enough that you’re up on current trends in your practice area.
Anonymous
Yep. I’m 35 and folks still comment on how young I am. At least I no longer get mistaken for an intern?
Anon
Honestly, I have loved working and socializing with older women who have interesting things going on in their lives. I’ve appreciated it even more when they’ve declined to dye their hair or have plastic surgery. I saw a lot of these women give off this aura of competence, wisdom, and self-confidence. I think the refusal to dye hair was a reflection of that strong inner sense of self and a rejection of expectations/”musts” for women aging. That plus having awesome hobbies that you can maintain for a lifetime seems like the key to enjoying aging to me.
LOL ok
Yes, women who dye their hair have weak innards! That’s it. You’ve cracked the code.
Never too many shoes...
I have been dyeing my hair since I was like, 17 years old because I have never enjoyed my fairly boring mid-brown colour on what is an otherwise awesome head of thick, long, curly hair. It has nothing to do with age or a lack of inner fortitude.
Hot take – I have also maintain a Brazilian that is unrelated to the patriarchy.
Anon
Wow, way to interpret the post in the most uncharitable way possible. No one said you’re weak! I have merely noticed that some of the most confident older women that I have met have not bothered to dye their hair, suggesting that it’s not a “requirement” for confident aging like many others on this site have suggested.
Anon
That’s how I took your post and I agree. Dying your hair is fine! I probably will dye mine someday. But I also really admire women who rock a silver look, and I think it’s offensive to suggest dying your hair is required for older women.
Anonymous
this site is so judgy on having “awesome” hobbies.
Anon
And people also constantly, CONSTANTLY post about not knowing what to do with themselves when they have free time, so maybe take hobbies posts as inspiration instead of a personal attack?
Getting Older
Honestly? Finding CrossFit was the best thing that ever happened to “getting older” me. I am stronger than I have ever been, look awesome, and have great friends who push me to be a better me. I am about to turn a new decade and I am SO very excited for the next decade. It’s impossible to not feel empowered and excited about your body when you learn how much it can really do (or lift weights above your head).
P.S. We have ages 5 (CF Kids) to 90 at our gym. As well as various levels of ability (not all able-bodied folks; adaptive athletes are welcome).
style advice
I posted this a few days ago but didn’t get any responses, so I am trying again. I am wearing this dress in a wedding in a month. https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-lace-fit-flare-cocktail-dress-regular-petite/3651256 The dress hits me just above the knee. I am wondering whether I should wear opaque black tights or more sheer black tights, and whether to wear booties or knee high boots. Any advice on the tights/shoes that go well with this dress? Thank you!
anne-on
I assume you want to wear closed toe shoes for warmth? That being said I’d go with sheer hose and a dressy closed toe shoe, boots/booties read too casual for me with that dress and for a wedding.
Jcrew has some fun holiday heels out – I would fully use this as an excuse to buy these fun plaid ones!
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/shoes/pumpsandheels/elsie-pumps-in-plaid-with-glitter-sole/AE985?color_name=red-multi
Anon
A lace dress and plaid shoes? I like each of these items separately, but this would be a lot of look together.
Of those options, I would opt for the sheer tights with the booties over the opaque tights and knee high boots.
Abby
I definitely wouldn’t wear knee high boots, I think either tights would work. If it were me, I’d skip the tights and wear heels (instead of booties). If you want to wear tights, I’d pick a black bootie with a heel.
Cat
Hmmm – this dress looks “dressier” than booties or boots IMHO, like I would wear it basically as they styled it. If boots or booties are appropriate for the wedding you’re attending, this dress seems like too much?
NOLA
I think it’s the lace that makes it look that way. I only have one pair of booties that are dressy enough for this and they are studded with a stiletto heel.
Anonymous
I think you need to style as shown or go with some floor-length gown that would hide tights/boots. I hate this, as I catch a chill in the summer with A/C and basically the whole rest of the year unless I am layering up. And, sadly, I find that I can look like the Michelin man and be warm or look cute while freezing, when fancy attire is called for.
Anon
Either tights with a suede pump.
Julia
Yikes, this dress seems pretty short for a wedding, so I’d definitely go with the opaque tights, and probably black pumps instead of booties.
Anon
?? It’s not that short.
Anon
Is the wedding outdoors? I don’t know why you’d wear either tights or boots with that dress, I don’t think either would look good at all.
Never too many shoes...
I totally agree. Bare legs or, if you totally must, sheer sheer pantyhose and an evening shoe.
NYCer
+1.
If you are set on wearing boots or booties, I would definitely find another dress.
ceej
I can totally see a look for this with boots, but it is a bit edgy/ punk. As NOLA said, with studded boots. If your style or this wedding is more “refined” and “cocktail or black tie” I think it would be “a choice.” If you want to make that choice, go forth!
You say “in a wedding.” If you’re a bridesmaid or something like that and not a guest, I think I’d probably take advice from the other bridesmaids/ bride. I wouldn’t want to be a bridezilla, but if I picked this dress I think I’d assume bare legs/nude hose and either pumps or sandals and could be a bit peeved if someone showed up
NOLA
If you’re interested, mine are Vince Camuto Kavippa.
Anon
This dress does not call for booties or (shudders) knee-high boots. You’d look crazy. Just go with some black tights and pop of color closed toe velvet shoes. MAYBE you can pull off ankle height height heels (not quite a bootie, but higher top than a heel).
Have this dress
Wear it with sheer black hose + super cute pointed toe heels (satin finish) with a flat-long bow. Favorite wedding outfit.
Anonymous
Perfection. +1000
Anon
I’ve been reading all of the recent posts about sick leave and time off with interest. Does anyone else think that combined PTO policies effectively discriminate against employees with disabilities or chronic illnesses? If your business offers 15 days of PTO with no separate sick time, employees with the greatest health needs (or family health needs, like a sick kid) are probably never going to get a vacation because every paid day off is going to appointments, waiting for the delivery of medical supplies, etc. There seems to be a real equity issue here and it says “if you’re sick often, you deserve less vacation time.” Same goes for pregnancy. My answer would be to provide robust sick time (understanding that some will benefit more than others), a good amount of vacation time, and universal access to FMLA, but curious what others’ thoughts are.
Panda Bear
Amen. I hate the idea of combined PTO.
Anonymous
The obvious answer is that if the combined policies reduce the total amount of leave, then it is harmful to people who use a lot of sick time. But if it doesn’t reduce the total amount of leave available, I don’t see how it harms people who use a lot of sick time. If you’ve used up your sick leave, then wouldn’t you be taking either vacation leave or unpaid leave anyway?
We moved from 10 days sick time and 15 days vacation time to 25 days ‘paid leave’. It’s been well received because it benefits people who did not use all their sick time before because now they can take more vacation time (we can roll over 10 days a year so people tend to use what they need for sick time in a year and then roll over the extra and take that as additional vacation in the next year). But it does not hurt the people who used all their sick time before because they would have had to take vacation or unpaid leave anyway. We don’t have to use up all our paid leave before we can apply for unpaid leave or STD but it may be different elsewhere.
Anon
Yes, this. Aren’t 20 days of PTO better than 10 sick days and 10 vacation days? It also just lets people characterize it as a personal day rather than giving a reason they are out of the office.
Anon
It incentivizes people to come in sick and infect the office. “Well, I only have 5 PTO days left, and if I take a sick day today I’m short a vacation day at Christmas and my trip is already booked . . . “
Anonymous
Most people are sensible enough to avoid this. You keep a 10-10 or 5-15 estimate in your head based on your own sick patterns and then you take the extra days as vacation in the following year. I’ve built up a couple days a year for 5 years so I have a constant roll over of 10 days (our max roll over) and now I can take the full 20 days as vacation.
Anonymous
I don’t know — we have unlimited time off where I work and people work sick all the time. People with different buckets often have a small sick leave bucket, so it’s not all that different. Usually sick leave is 5 days max and vacay is 10+.
Husband’s job is weird — 10 sick (generous) and 10 vacay (never enough, b/c it’s vacay and “all other life stuff, like college trip with kid and MIL having surgery” leave).
anon
In my experience, most people are not sensible enough to avoid coming to work sick when PTO is combined. Instead, with 20 days of PTO, people plan trips for 15 vacation days and assume they’ll be sick for 5 days or fewer. Then they get the flu in January, then something else in October. At that point, they don’t want to cancel or change travel plans for the holidays, and they just come to work sick and infect everyone else.
Anon
No, 20 days are not better than 10 and 10. It’s still penalizing sick people – the healthiest people get 20 days vacation, the least healthy people get zero, with the average people being somewhere in between. Your health status shouldn’t determine how much vacation you get.
Also, most workplaces will let you take unpaid time for illness (I believe it’s the law if your employer is covered by FMLA, at least up to 12 weeks) but not for vacations. So if it’s 10 + 10, I as a person with constantly sick kids can use my 10 sick days, then take unpaid leave for additional illnesses and still have 10 vacation days so my kids can visit their grandparents. If I have 20 days PTO it all goes to illness – no time for vacations or visiting family. Do you see the difference?
Anonymous
That’s only true if you work somewhere that requires you to use all paid leave before applying for unpaid leave. I haven’t heard of places mandating that you must use all paid leave before applying for unpaid leave. You use 10 for sick leave as you would under a 10+10 and then take 10 unpaid leave and 10 vacation. If it was 20 PTO then you use 20 for sick leave and take 10 for unpaid leave. You’re still having 30 days off with 20 paid and 10 unpaid under both systems.
And it’s generally untrue that a person takes all the PTO as vacation. Most people are sensible and set aside a few days each year and then roll them forward if they don’t need them. FWIW, my office is about 40% female and most of us have kids. The combined leave flexibility and an office culture that supports taking vacations are major factors in people applying to work here vs places with separate buckets.
Anonymous
But if you ran past 10 sick days before, you are no worse off. You would be taking vacation days for illness or unpaid leave.
My husband has 10+10 and thankfully can use sick days for actual family illnesses. But for “vacation” he has to use those days to help my MIL (8 hours away) during a weekday for appointments sometimes and we can’t use unused sick time for vacation (or to help move a kid into college in another state or for scout camping or anything else).
Anon
I do see the difference if there is no way to take unpaid time for vacation. We do not separate unpaid time out of the office, so you can (and people do) request and take unpaid vacation time as unpaid personal time.
Anonymous
This assumes that you can use your sick leave for your kids illnesses. We have to take vacation leave or unpaid leave for that. Sick leave is for when the employee themselves is too sick to work. Not for childcare responsibilites re sick family members.
Anon
I’ve never worked anywhere that let employees take unpaid time for vacation. If your employer lets you take unpaid time off “just because” then I agree separate buckets are not as unfair, but I think that would be very unusual, at least in the US. You have a legal right to take unpaid time for illness at FMLA-eligible employers.
Anon at 9:43, I don’t think this has anything to do with how pro-vacation your employer is. The places I’ve worked with combined PTO have been less vacation-friendly than the places I’ve worked with separate buckets, because the expectation is that a lot of the combined PTO should be saved for future illnesses, as you said. If you have 10 days for vacation only and separate sick leave, everyone takes all of the vacation time because you don’t need to save it for future emergencies. I would never go back to a combined bucket personally, even though I’m generally healthy and don’t get sick very much. I like knowing that if I get pneumonia or have to have surgery or something like that (it will happen to most people at some point, regardless of how lucky you’ve been so far), it won’t obliterate my vacation time for the year.
Cat
+1
Anon
+1
And, the sick kid thing is a relatively brief season of life, speaking as the mother of an 18 month old who had a helluva first 12 months with daycare related illnesses that landed us in the ER three separate times. Like, it was so bad I was fearful that I might see repercussions at my job because of how absent I was this past winter, but I didn’t and that’s behind us. I like my one-bucket-PTO going forward from here. The chronically ill I think fall into a completely separate bucket and presumably require more days than any PTO or sick day allowance would ever offer.
Anon
LOL, you’re awfully smug considering it’s October. Talk to me in March. Kids get sick constantly, especially until they’re 5-ish and can be better about hygiene. It’s not like it’s something that happens in their first year of life only. And most people have more than one kid, so it’s a “season” of life that can last a decade or more.
Anon
LOL right back at ya. Smug? No. I’m aware enough to recognize that (a) I chose kids and (b) this is a season of life that I have no control over so you roll with it. Maybe my particular season was 18 months long and my kid has a super strong immune system going forward, or maybe my kid is going to get sick every year as bad as year one – who knows but I’m not going to protest that a company’s benefits should be drafted to protect my ultimate downside. I made my bed and I’m going to lay in it. Doubling down because we’re working on #2, so I’m well aware it could be a prolonged “season” – by choice. I also chose a job/benefits package with this possible downside in mind.
Also, I’d be 0% worse off if I had 10+10. I’d still be burning through everything before considering taking unpaid time off (even if I could take unpaid time after burning my sick days, I wouldn’t because #bills). Maybe that means I cancel or shorten a planned vacation, or take some of the planned vacation days unpaid, but that choice comes along with working for someone else.
I am ALL for employers being flexible for working parents, particularly working women, but I think it is the most ridiculous stance to take that the buckets should be distinct because “maybe my kids get sick”.
Anon.
I respectfully agree.
Anon
And it is still a (relatively) short time in your life if it extends to 2-3 years. My daughter is a teenager and I have not needed to take more than a few days off work a year since she started elementary school – and none at all since she started middle school except for the time she needed to go to the doctor.
I completely 100% understand that parenting a small person seems all consuming while you are doing it – but that is still a fraction of a person’s working life.
Anon
I really disagree because I think vacation and sick leave are very different kind of benefits. Vacation is a benefit that should be utilized by all – all employees should have X days out of the office for whatever they want to do. Sick leave should be available in large amounts for those who need it, but ideally most employees should not be using all the sick leave, so it doesn’t make sense to me to combine them into one bucket.
As one example of why it doesn’t make sense to combine them, my employer has very generous sick leave (over 100 days/year for those who have been here for a couple years), and obviously no employer is going to give their employees that much vacation time. However, while it’s expected that almost all employees at our company will take their 15 days of vacation/year, it’s understood that most employees should not come close to using all the sick leave. Unless you can point to a serious health condition in your family (for example: surgery, childbirth, a chronic health condition, parent dying of cancer) you’re going to rightfully get a lot of pushback about using dozens of sick days. Fwiw, someone in HR once told me that the average employee at our company takes 7 sick days/year, so it’s not being abused by the vast majority of people. To me, my company does it exactly right. Sick leave should be essentially unlimited for those who need it, but not taken very much by most people. Vacation time should be fixed and used in roughly the same amount by every employee.
Anonymous
Except that I know people who’d abuse the heck out of that. My husband does a lot of entry level hiring and in a good economy, it is a nightmare already for HR to police the people who just don’t intend to be worker bees. So if there are 100 sick days, they will take them all in the first 101 days of working if they are tired or feel hungover. You get the idea. And then HR is stuck. When the economy is bad, people wouldn’t abuse it, but now there is a non-minimal subset of employees who need a limit so that the rest don’t riot b/c of Lazy John Who is Always “Sick.”
Anon
I think the company/manager is within their rights to ask for a doctor’s note for extended or constant time off, and I’m sure they would if they felt someone was abusing it. My company has over 10,000 employees and I’ve really never heard of anyone abusing the policy to that degree. Do people stay home more when they just have a cold? Yeah, probably, but there’s arguably a global benefit to that (less diseases spread around the office).
Anon
I work in a professional office with a generous leave policy (public university). We have 3 Casper-the-Friendly-Ghosts out of an office of 19. Thankfully, most of the time it doesn’t affect me, but I do end up putting out fires or dealing with pissed off folks in other offices whose call/email hasn’t been returned in weeks because Calamity Jane has been out more than she’s been at work. I don’t know what the right answer is, but at some point a person isn’t entitled to have a job/paycheck just because. They actually need to SHOW UP.
Anon
+1000 to this. Everyone should get the same vacation opportunities.
Anonymous
Unless you work where there is “unlimited” vacation. Which equals zero.
Anonymous
Do you not have STD? I don’t see how an office can function if you can take like half the working days off in a year. There are only like 250 working days in a year or something. And you have more than 100 days of sick leave? Usually you only need a doctor’s note if it’s more than three days in a row off. So a person could take every second day off all year long and still be within the policy? At least with STD there is some structure with time off so you can determine if you need to backfill a position with a temp or contractual worker.
Anon
Like I said, it would not fly with your manager to just take every second day off. That’s obviously using it like vacation, which is separate. I’m sure there is some individual out there that’s tried to abuse the policy at some point, but most people don’t. I don’t know anyone that has ever taken anything approaching 100 days of sick leave without an obvious explanation like surgery or maternity leave, and like I said, apparently the average number of sick days/employee/year is 7.
Anon
If you have 15 days/3 weeks of vacation, that only leaves 49×5 or 245 other working days in the year. How could anyone, even with a chronic illness, take off 100 days and still be effective their job? I understand paid leave of absence for some things like maternity or cancer, but 100 sick days a year just seems like so much.
Anon
That’s my point, I think most people who use anything approaching 100 days are out for an extended period of time, like a maternity leave or undergoing cancer treatment. Your FMLA clock runs if you’re out for more than a week at a time. I think people who just tend to get sick a lot (due to having young kids or otherwise) probably use 15-20 days, which is significantly more than average but nowhere near 100 days.
Anonymous
Exactly. People have varying medical needs and it shouldn’t affect how much they get the privilege of vacation time. Person A might be really healthy and need one sick day when she gets a stomach bug. Person B might be a mom of kids in daycare who needs 20 sick days for all the bugs they bring home. Person C might be undergoing cancer treatment and need 60 sick days. It behooves all of us to remember that we’re all likely to be several or all of these types at some point in our lives. I was person A for all of my 20s and half of my 30s, then I was person C the year I took maternity leave and now I’m Person B with young kids. In a few years, I expect my kids will be sick a lot less and I’ll be back to being Person A. It was to my employer’s advantage to give me paid sick leave when I needed it, because they’ll get the benefits of me being Person A again once I’m out of this season of life.
Vicky Austin
I never thought about it that way. Thanks for this perspective.
Never too many shoes...
I actually don’t know anyone who has that kind of combined leave – is it common? My firm has three weeks vacation for staff (goes up to four weeks after 5 years) plus 10 days of sick/personal time (can be used for either).
Anon
In the US it’s relatively common, yes.
Anonymous
Common in Canadian provincial governments at executive/upper level non-union positions. Separate buckets in unionized positions.
Anonymous
Yes. You’re Canadian.
NY CPA
PTO is “paid time off”, not vacation. It’s meant to be taken for whatever reason you need/want to take time off. I have no “sick leave” but lots of “PTO”.
However, working at a Big 4 firm, you’re expected to work from home if you’re sick, unless you are REALLY REALLY sick and can’t possibly stay awake long enough to work. I had the flu 2 years ago and would work half days from home for about a week because my eyes kept closing while I was working, but that’s the most “time off” I’ve ever taken for sick leave. Usually, I just don’t go into the office for a day or two, and will work from home.
NOLA
We don’t have a sick leave policy for faculty, although I think we now (due to faculty senate) have a longterm sick policy for major illnesses. What it means is that, essentially, we stay home when we’re sick and don’t count it and nobody keeps track of it. The reality is that we’re all so tied to our teaching and meeting schedules that it’s really hard to stay home when you’re sick. Not feeling like you are “owed” sick time means that you are, in many ways, less likely to take it.
Anon
Also (duh), I support a separate maternity leave. Why should you use all your sick time for the postpartum period when you can easily catch a bad virus later on in the year? We need better protections for all the different things life throws at us, especially women.
Anon
At most companies and in most states, short term disability insurance kicks in after a waiting period. So whether it’s the fact that you had a baby or that you had gallbladder surgery, you burn through x number of days of sick leave (usually 5), then you can apply for short term disability.
In the case where the disability period is known, you can apply ahead of time.
Flex mom
I have worked in three places so far in my life and all three didn’t not have separate sick leave. At my current job, my pto leave is pretty generous (20 days this year and 25 next year on). I make sure to take my 2 week vacation and use the rest as needed. If I don’t have any PTO left over, i make sure I get in a few hours of work and take the rest of the time off. My manager is understanding about that and the fact that kids get sick and parents too get sick. In exchange for this flexibility, I make myself available for calls as early as 5 am! I guess for me, flexibility and generous pto leave work well, perhaps better than specific alloted sick days.
Anonymous
I’m of two minds about this. If you have a job that doesn’t NEED to be done in the office, I think strictly defined PTO – whether sick or vacation time – is antiquated. I would rather be evaluated based on how much work I get done than how many hours my butt is in my chair. I have a good work ethic, I’m available and responsive remotely from anywhere in the world, let me do my job and leave me alone about nonsensical rules that have no relevance in a modern workplace. I really resent pointless facetime, and I particularly resent getting dinged for being 10 minutes late because of traffic, or taking a couple hours to go to a doctors appointment, when I’m otherwise getting my work done. This is honestly the biggest reason I’m still in a law firm and not in house – I enjoy the freedom to come and go as I please.
OTOH, some jobs require you to actually be there. If your value to your employer is your butt in the seat, and your butt isn’t in your seat, then I’m not sure it’s fair to pay you the same as everyone else who’s in the office more than you are. I hear you that everyone needs a break and staying home with a sick kid is definitely not a vacation. But idk what the solution is.
Anon
That’s one thing I like about our “unlimited” vacation/sick policy. If I use a fair amount of sick time in a year, I don’t feel guilty still taking a vacation.
I see what your saying about discrimination but the reality is that for some jobs, the work needs to get done and no one is doing it while your gone. I’m an attorney and that’s true for me. If I’ve had major sick leaves (like being out for surgery this year) I may have to cut back my vacations because otherwise I’m never getting my work done.
Anonymous
Oh man, I would give so much to have an actual vacation policy (and one that is tracked and managed) and not just out total b…s.. “unlimited vacation” policy. I feel like (and most people act like) you are entitled to nothing, even if you have the flu you should be working from home.
Anonymous
When I was in my 20s, I had a state govt job with 15 vacation days and 15 sick days. Except that I was never sick. And there were a lot of employees in their 20s who turned over every few years, so none of that leave ever got used (we donated it to a guy who had been in a car wreck and so many 20-somethings donated to him that he got to take like a year off, which rankled a lot of people (although I think he actually needed it for physical rehab)).
Now I work somewhere with unlimited time off (for my job type), which means it’s the sort of 24/7 job that I never get discrete vacation from, will never get cashed out when I leave, etc. It is like running a small business where if you just pushed out a baby or had a heart attack or surgery, there is no off button.
TL;DR: any policy will cut the wrong way for somebody. Either your life is different than the lives of others or something bad randomly happens, etc. No policy is perfect for everybody and work places just have to pick something. Esp. for employees who have to get cashed out if they leave. “Do whatever” is not really administrable in an organization of any size.
anon
We have separate buckets, but it still works out the same for the few of us constantly out sick. When we run out of sick time, we have to use our vacation time, just like the poster yesterday was discussing.
But…there are completely different policies governing the two buckets. Sick leave accrual isn’t capped, so if you end up with a major FMLA-type event, you could have plenty. And vacation time becomes increasingly generous with seniority, while sick leave is the same because obviously everyone needs it.
I will say, it still comes down to culture. My team encourages me to consider unpaid vacation at least 1x a year, even if I’ve burned all my leave. And pitchforks for the people who bring in viruses.
Anonymous
This. Company culture matters SO MUCH more than whether it’s separate buckets or combined.
Anon
I think it’s the opposite of discrimination. Everyone is treated exactly the same, regardless of whether they have health issues or not.
Now the question is whether there should be extra accommodations for people with health conditions. That’s a different question. There’s ADA and you can request accommodations under that if you work in the US for a company with a certain number of employees.
But if you’re someone who just catches colds a lot or whatever, I don’t actually think it’s fair to your coworkers that you would get extra days out of the office for this. What happens to the work? Who picks up the slack?
Parents of young children deal with this all the time. Kids get sick, someone has to stay home. Most typically in my experience, mom and dad alternate burning their own PTO days for this. So parents of young children get fewer true vacation days as a result. Younger workers who haven’t had kids yet LOVE to complain that they’re picking up the slack for parents, but with PTO banks where everyone has the same # of days out of the office whether sick or vacation, it’s harder to make a case of this.
One of the major reasons employers moved to the PTO concept was fairness and anti discrimination
Anon
Policies that are “equal” can still be discriminatory. The obvious example is pregnancy leave – the company can offer that benefit to no one, male or female, and then everyone is “receiving equal benefits.”
Anon
There are special policies for pregnancy for this reason, and there are ADA laws for everything else.
I get that yesterday’s poster was frustrated, but burning all of your PTO by October when you know you have a propensity to get sick is not a great idea.
Anon
I guess I’m of the view that you get paid X amount to work y number of days a year. What you do on your nonwork days is completely up to you. But I’m all in support of encouraging companies to have a liberal work from home policies so you can still work when mildly ill and to have generous PTO.
Worry about yourself
I’ve never thought of it that way, but I do hate combined PTO buckets for the most part. My first job only let you accrue 10 days off per year, and while it’s certainly better than no days off, it’s not very much, and it resulted in people coming in sick because they were trying to save their PTO days for planned vacations. If you must combine PTO, you need to be fairly generous, and let people accrue at least 15 days per year.
That said, we have separate buckets, but we’re only given 6 sick days per year and they don’t roll over, so if you have a chronic condition, you’re probably gonna burn through them and need to dip into your vacation days anyway, so it’s better if the company is willing to be extra flexible with the people who need extra time off for appointments and flare-ups, but that probably means letting people work remotely, and not requiring sick time usage for partial-day absences.
Anonymous
How much time do you think people should be able to spend not working exactly?
Anon
Completely agree. My husband has combined buckets. I thought it was great the first year, but this year, I’ve realized it isn’t. He has 20 days of combined PTO. We took a one week vacation, and then another day off for a trip. But he’s burned through the rest of his PTO on a stomach bug, several family/elder care issues, and the Jewish High Holidays. So, now he will not be able to take any additional days off around the holidays at the end of the year– and we don’t even have kids.
In contrast– my firm gives us 10 days of vacation time. Any family commitment, religious thing, sick leave, etc. that is not “fun” doesn’t count towards vacation time. So I still have 4 days of vacation left that I can take around the holidays.
Anonymous
He took time off around his holidays. I don’t get the issue.
Anon
Because religious observances are not vacation. And that’s a really Christian-centric point of view, since Christmas is a national holiday for everyone and Christmas Eve is a holiday given automatically by many employers. You don’t have to use PTO to celebrate your holidays, but you think it’s fine that Jews/Muslims/Hindus have to use PTO to celebrate theirs? That’s kind of selfish.
Anon
OMG preach.
Ms B
Exactly. Anon at 10:34, I had good success with dealing with this in my old government job by requesting a religious accommodation and presenting a comp time program so that I could retain my leave and still do my holiday observances. It meant working a couple weekend days and federal holidays (I actually worked all of Christmas Eve one year and it was a very productive day), but it was worth it to my to have my PTO available.
Horse Crazy
THANK YOU.
Signed, the kid who always misses school and work for the High Holidays. Living in a Christian-centric world can be frustrating.
anon
A friend of mine recently left a job that required her to take PTO for the High Holidays AND gave her a ton of sh*t about being out of the office those days. If you’re going to require employees to use PTO for their religious observance, at least don’t complain to them about how they’re using their PTO. (This isn’t the reason she left the job, but it wasn’t her favorite thing about the job either.)
Anon
I come at it from a slightly different angle. I think No religious holidays should be business holidays, including Christmas, and everyone should take PTO days according to their respective holidays (and of course in lieu of holidays we’d have more PTO days).
It’s not your employer’s business what holidays you celebrate. If we’re going to be inclusive of religion there are faiths other than Christianity and Judaism.
Anon
I absolutely 100% agree that people should be able to take time off for religious holidays (without getting grief and with either the option to work another day that would ordinarily be a day off or without having to use PTO), the suggestion that we should not have Christian religious holidays off is simply not workable – at least as to Christmas and in some places Good Friday.
I mean are we going to pay to keep the courts open on Christmas when we know the overwhelming majority of the people are going to take that day off? How would we impanel a jury? Is that going to count as a “court day” for filing purposes? I live in a state where 77% of the population is Christian; 20% is unaffiliated (which usually means they still celebrate the major Christian holidays); and 3% is “other”. Trying to keep most businesses and government offices open on Christmas would be very difficult. (Easter would be relatively simple since it is always a Sunday.)
anon
(1) Of course there are other faiths besides Christianity & Judaism, but can we please not lump Judaism in w/Christianity in terms of mainstream practice & days off? Sure, some schools may inconvenience you by not being in session for one day on Rosh Hashanah, but that’s a far cry from having a federal holiday and arguments that “Santa is not part of Christmas, relax.”
(2) I see Anonymous @10:42’s comment more to be saying why does he need to take time off for “the holidays at the end of the year” if he observes Jewish holidays. Which is a legit question, although there are legit reasons why he might want to take time then as well.
Anon
I had one job with a combined leave bucket, which was 15 days. In my opinion, that’s not nearly enough for a combined bucket!
The catch was that the leave accrued like vacation leave, earning 5 hours a pay period.
In my third week at that job I caught the flu on a Friday. I took that Monday off (using all 5 hours I had accrued, and then my very kind supervisor stuck his neck out to let me advance the other 3 hours). I then came to work with the flu the rest of the week. I was totally useless at work and looking back on it, I was absolutely interacting with pregnant coworkers and a coworker with cancer. Ever since that, I’ve been vehemently against combined leave buckets.
Anon
That’s exactly why a) combined buckets, if they must exist, should be way bigger and b) you should get granted the whole chunk of time right from the start. If you accrue sick leave in tiny amounts, you’ll end up with exactly what you described every single time. Honestly, I think there’s lawsuit potential here.
Worry about yourself
Or at least *a* chunk of time up front, and let the accrue the rest for the remainder of the year, then go on a regular accrual schedule in January.
anon
My office has separate buckets, but both sick and vacation days accrue. We don’t get to rollover PTO, so every year the accrual starts on Jan 1. On the other hand, we can “borrow” from future days. I suppose they deduct “borrowed” leave from the last paycheck when an employee leaves, but I don’t know.
I take 10/12 of my vacation days by the end of the summer and only save 2 for the holidays/end of the year because I’m a transactional attorney, and we could be busy with a closing at the end of the year. So every year, there are a few months when I’m “short” a few days. Allegedly, we need permission to borrow, but I’ve never asked, and nobody has ever said anything.
Anon
The answer is just more paid leave period.
anon
Ideas for a fun, luxurious hostess gift? I have done fancy chocolates and fancy candles. Other ideas? I don’t know the host very well.
anne-on
I like the William Sonoma kitchen towels bundled with their hand soap and lotion. Nice kitchen towels in a neutral color are always handy, and if they don’t care for them they are easily re-gifted (and around the holidays soap/lotion for guest baths will be used!).
Anonymous
I like to give really good aged balsamic vinegar. Usually Sur la Table has some good options if there is one near you.
anonymous
Thanks, that’s a great idea! You could pair with an olive oil…..
Housecounsel
I love Diptyque Ovals. You hang them in closets or stick them in drawers and everything smells wonderful.
Julia
I like fancy seasonal floral arrangements or plants, like in the $30-50 range, in a cute vase or basket. They’re beautiful and a fun splurge most people wouldn’t get for themselves. They can use them to decorate their house for a week or so then toss them — I’m very anti-clutter!
Suburban
Aesop hand soap and lotion!
Anonymous
+1 received Aesop hand soap as a gift and can never go back
Worry about yourself
Fancy spice mixes? Maybe a bottle of wine or cider and some mulling spices?
Anonymous
I like to give really good aged balsamic vinegar. Usually Sur la Table has some good options if there is one near you.
Wedding Registry
Registering for wedding items…any favorite towels? We prefer large regular sized bath towels rather than bath sheets. Any other household items you wish you had registered for, or that you did and still use regularly years later?
Anonymous
Our sodastream is my favorite registry item
Vicky Austin
“Years” is a stretch (newly married), but I insisted that my husband pick out a selection of tools for our wedding registry. They were actually a huge hit with some gift-givers. And then we moved into a fixer-upper, so they’ve paid off in spades.
I’m also really glad I put a KitchenAid on my registry. I’d always wanted one but would probably never have bought it for myself and the grandparents were delighted to pitch in for such a thing.
Abby
I love the towels from Crate & Barrel, we also got Ralph Lauren towels from Macy’s and they’re the worst – they look “bleached” from laundry detergent, which has never happened to me for any towels before. We added many household items: bar cart, outdoor cooler, outdoor speakers (both from Costco), smoker (one of our best items we received), bar stools, floor lamp, yard/board games.
NY CPA
To counter this, I love my (white) Ralph Lauren towels. I’ve had them for over 9 years and they look nearly as good as when I first got them. Super plush! The ones I have seem similar to the “Bowery” line on the Ralph Lauren Home website.
Abby
ugh, I’m so jealous. Where did you get them, straight from RL? I have wondered if our towel problem is more of a Macy’s problem.
AnonInHouse
We have had the same experience! Bought RL towels from Macy’s after our wedding (in 2007…) and they were almost immediately discolored in the wash. My husband has some RL towls that predate my relationship with him, so they’ve got to be more than 15 years old now, and they’re still in amazing shape. Maybe Macy’s carries a cheaper line of RL towels?
NY CPA
Yup! Mine came straight from Ralph Lauren. They were pretty pricey, but because they lasted so well, price per use is very reasonable.
Veronica Mars
Our favorites: barstools for our kitchen, a Le Crueset dutch oven, a meat thermometer, and our bossa nova basketweave pitcher/drinking glasses.
Vicky Austin
I wish I would have registered for a Le Creuset! Not sure I would have gotten away with both that and the KitchenAid, and I currently have a very nice Lodge dutch oven that is doing the job…but dang those colors are so beautiful.
Abby
I registered and didn’t get it…then went to Crate & Barrel to return items, and found the exact dutch oven I wanted in a different color 50% OFF!! They said they were discontinuing the color so they had to get rid of them. On principal I always check the sale item whenever passing the store just in case.
Vicky Austin
Ooooooooh! Hopefully they discontinue a color I like…thank you for the tip!
emeralds
That’s also how I scored my Le Creuset. It wasn’t at Crate and Barrel, but the markdown for a discontinued color + post-holiday sale = a truly absurd price.
Anon
I got salt and pepper mills and love them! Also registered for luggage, which was a good combined gift (common in my circles for people to pool in together).
Cat
Nice toaster oven is still going strong 10+ years later!
Tools and small equipment like a steam cleaner
WHITE towels and sheets — those in other colors may look pretty when new, but show their age far faster.
AnonInHouse
The items we still use routinely 12 years later are: Cuisinart Griddler, toaster, baking sheets, our everyday dishes and flatware, and picture frames.
I love the look of white towels (and had a nice set from PB a few years back) but they start to look grey/show body oil really quickly in our house. Am I doing laundry wrong, or are we just dirtier than the average person?!
T
It could just be your water, I can get a solid number of years out of white towels before they start to show it. My secret is to always wash with a scoop of OxiClean, on hot, with bleach. I pre-soak everything in hot water and wash in hot water as well. Whites come out super white even with tons of dirt/dogs/messy humans.
AnonInHouse
Thanks, I’ll give this a try! I wash everything on cold and never presoak anything, so I probably am doing laundry wrong…at least to some extent.
anon a mouse
Random thought, but how old are your washing machine hoses? I noticed my clothes were dingy and replacing them made a huge difference. They should generally be replaced every 5 years.
Cat
In our house, cotton towels and sheets are washed on warm or hot and with good old fashioned bleach when needed.
CHL
Our Restoration Hardware towels are amazing.
Anon
I got a set of RH towels as a hand me down from an aunt in 2012 or 2013; she’d used them for some number of years before that. They’re still going strong. I don’t use them much anymore because I like bath sheets, but when I have guests, they’re the go-to and they’re great. The hand towels are also still going strong.
busybee
My favorite towels are from LL Bean. Sadly I do not know the style name. My favorite registry item, get this, is our SimpleHuman combined trash/recycling bin.
Abby
omg I never thought I would love a trash can or spend over $50 on one, but we also had one our registry and it’s great.
anon
This looks like something my grandma would never wear. But she would be impressed that someone had managed puffed sleeves and all in a hone-sewn dress for their 5 y.o.
Anonymous
All you need is a little pop of red on the sleeves for a Snow White costume.
Cat
It reminds me too much of the tops that were popular in the late 00’s. Pass!
Anonymous
Where can I find cotton underwear that doesn’t ride up? Size small, not curvy. I don’t like the silicone strips on the Soma vanishing edge, Aerie creates an instant wedgie, and I’m hesitant to try Everlane because it looks so cheeky that it couldn’t possibly stay put. I am so desperate that I am thinking of shelling out $$$ to try Hanro. Any other suggestions?
Anonymous
Which Aerie cut have you tried? They have at least 4 or 5 of them.
midtown anon
Gap bikini
anon
Are you sure you’re wearing the right size? I am 5’3 and 115 lbs and I wear size large underwear because of the shape of my hips and rear end. I probably look like I should wear a small, but that would be up my rear in 10 seconds flat.
Also, have you tried different cuts? Anything “cheeky” is straight out for my body type, and I can’t do bikinis either, I have to do hipsters.
Anon
+1. Also petite and wear L.
nuqotw
I have had a great experience with Uniqlo’s high rise briefs. I’m a medium. I bought 20+ pairs so hopefully I can stave off underwear shopping for a long while.
Anon
Natori bliss, bikini or high waisted – not french cut. The best. Gap is also good but some of their styles are a little short in the rise.
The original Scarlett
+1 to the Natori’s
Anonymous
I have a flat butt and can’t do “cheeky” cuts or what used to be called “tangas” without constant riding up. I like the stretch cotton bikini cut from The Gap (NOT the breathe version). It’s not entirely invisible under certain clothes, but I’ll just wear a thong if I’m particularly concerned about lines.
Anon
This is what I do as well.
Anon
This is why I try to always wear the tiniest g strings. The smaller they are the less you feel it. Not sure if that’s what you were looking for though!
Anon
I like the Soma embraceable brief with the lace top, no silicone strips (I get welts from those so I sympathize)
Anonymous
Any suggestions for thinning hair? I’m in my late 20s and have always had very thick hair. But I have just recently noticed how thinned out my hairline has been looking lately. Like you can see much more of my scalp at and just behind my hairline.
I dealt with a huge amount of stress at work for several months through September, so I’m thinking that could be a big contributing factor. I’ve also been wearing my hair either half up or up in a ponytail everyday for many years, so I’ve just switched to wearing my hair down all the time, in case it’s due to that.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to fix this? I’m open to try pretty much anything!
Anon
Women’s rogaine applied daily around the hairline made a big difference for me. It took a few months, but my hair eventually returned to its original thickness and I don’t notice as much loss.
lsw
Is this ongoing or did you do the treatment once?
Julia
I’ve heard collagen supplements are good. Just started taking them recently so can’t attest personally.
Anonymous
Biotin. Check your thyroid
Anon
But not in that order. (Supplemental biotin will mess with your thyroid labs.)
Caesia
I believe that biotin shouldn’t be taken the day before or of a thyroid test. But it doesn’t have a long term or cumulative effect on the efficacy of labs.
Anon
I was told to withhold for 48 hours, though that may be playing it safe; I wouldn’t know. I do know that many doctors still don’t bring it up or consider it at all, so it’s easy to just take one’s usual supplements, go to the doctor’s office, have blood drawn, and never realize the potential for interference.
Anonymous
I’ve been a registered independent for over 15 years. I’ve never donated to a political campaign before. Local, state, or national. My current firm (I’m a lawyer) wouldn’t care if I am involved in politics, and most of the clients probably wouldn’t, but I’ve always been reticent to donate or be publicly active. I don’t really want people looking up who I support, or potentially holding it against me if the politician I donated to ends up going off the rails years later. I donate money to nonprofits but no PACs or lobbying groups. Any of you also publicly apolitical? Any guilt about it? Any of you changed at some point and started donating/door knocking/etc.?
Anonymous
I think it’s very unlikely that any reasonable person would “hold it against you” if a political candidate you support “goes of the rails” years later.
Anonymous
Do what you like. I care about politics so I donate money and volunteer. If you don’t, then don’t. I think worrying someone might look you up is really silly but it’s your life.
Anon
It seems like you have some guilt about it. If you want to get more involved, do it. It’s OK to stand up for something or someone you believe in, even if they end up being not 100% perfect.
Laws vary by state and locality, but federal law only requires contributors of $200 or more per election cycle be public. So you can write all the $199 checks to federal candidates you’d like (once every 2-6 year election cycle), and the contribution will remain private.
Also, register with a party so you can vote in primaries. Don’t give up half your electoral power.
Anonymous
This must vary by location, but I can do and do vote in primaries without registering with a party.
anon
Yup, depends if your state has open or closed primaries.
I frequently change my affiliation to change what party I can vote for in primaries (voted against Trump in 2016, changed back for my city primaries in May, will keep my D registration for 2020 primaries). I live in a closed primary state with a late primary, I hate it!
Anon
It does vary by state and also by race. My state has open primaries for President but not for other elections. I’m a Democrat but I was fine with either Hillary or Bernie so I voted in the 2016 Republican primary for John Kasich. If any of the 2020 Republican Trump challengers are gaining any traction I might vote in that primary again.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fund$
Political fundraiser here – this $200 is aggregate. If you donate $199 to a Congressional candidate in California and $199 to a Congressional candidate in Arizona, they will both be visible on the FEC. I think it depends on your industry – do you see yourself switching jobs? Would it be a problem to have a partisan record? In my field, I do know a few donors who make small to moderate contributions to reasonable candidates (think: Romney ’08) and faced backlash down the line. To avoid being searchable, look into reputable social welfare groups or foundations that align with your values – Chamber of Commerce, Sierra Club, etc. 501c4, 501c5, 501c6 I believe are the tax codes.
OP – you do you! If you feel passionately about getting involved, go for it. There’s also no need to feel guilty about not being publicly active. And honestly, I’m publicly apolitical as well. I get the job for clients, but I don’t canvas, donate, or post on social media. Makes things easier with family and friends who are operatives on both sides of the aisle.
anon
I’m not apolitical, but I’m not rabid or dogmatic at the level that seems to be currently mandated.
I vote in every election, and I care about the state of the world, but I had to take a big step back from political engagement for my own mental health earlier this year.
Anon
I’m in the same position as you, so I’m interested to see what answers you receive. I sometimes feel guilty when I’m put on the spot and asked to donate, but I think I would also feel guilty if I donated money to be spent on campaigning, so it has canceled out so far.
Anon
I’m political personally, but publicly apolitical thanks to the Hatch Act. This is the first time that I’ve felt so drawn to a candidate that I would be very involved in a campaign, but I’m steering clear.
Admittedly, I haven’t read up on the nuances of the Hatch Act and I know I’m erring on the side of caution. However, we were told once that if we drive to work, we can’t have a bumper sticker on our car for a candidate. So, given that restriction I’d imagine a lot is also restricted.
Anon
You should probably read up on it, rather than make a bunch of assumptions based on one tiny piece of information you heard second hand.
Anon
I mean, I heard it from my agency’s GC who was giving a briefing on the Hatch Act during the 2016 election cycle. I’ll take him to be a credible source
Anon
The Hatch Act is clear and easy to read. I recommend checking it out if you want to get more involved–for the majority of people affected by it, they only care about things at work (bumper stickers, things in your cubicle, things you say or post while at work).
Anon
Most federal employees can donate to and volunteer for federal candidates. You just can’t do it on work hours. Some agencies are further restricted, and have more limitations – but you were generally know if you were.
If you wanna volunteer, I would look into it further. Without knowing what agency you’re at, the odds are pretty high that you can volunteer during your nonwork hours. The only agency, as far as I know, with restrictions on contributing money to federal candidates is the federal election commission
Blueberries
I was you—I gave generously to nonprofits, but I didn’t want to get into politics beyond voting and sending the occasional email to the city council. I figure I’d let others focus on it. Then my country elected an unqualified president who admires dictators and acts against the values and interests of our people.
Until my country gets back on the rails, I feel like I have no choice but to be involved in politics. For me, that mostly means political giving. I also give to nonprofits that are focused on fixing some of the structural issues that lead to where we are.
anon
How do you manage contact information when you transfer from one employer to another? Over a decade at my current employer I’ve build up a solid network of contacts for referring out work, experts in my field, and my own clients (the last category is pretty small). My current firm wouldn’t care if I took this contact information with me, since they are my relationships and most of them are for sending work out. Is there an easy way to export this out of Outlook before I leave, and then port over to my new employer’s Outlook once I start there? Or do I have to create an old fashioned manual address book? Curious to hear how others have solved this in lateral moves.
family communications via email
there is an export to Excel from Outlook and then you can import that file later…..also 10 years at previous employer, I used the transition as an opportunity to clean the contact list and only take those that were important….
Anon
I brought the stack of business cards I had accumulated with me :P
anon
That’s what I would do.
Online college credits
I want to attempt a career transition and that would entail more college classes in New Field. I have a BA already. To just get more of the right classes, I’d like to try online first, just to see if I like it and b/c it would be easier to work into my schedule when I work FT and have kids.
I know some online stuff if laugh-worthy. But is there a hierarchy of what isn’t? Like how Starbucks lets you take classes at ASU — ASU is a real school (but not my state, so probably cost-prohibitive for me). Do most state U schools offer them and if you aren’t seeking a degree from there (more like a college-level credit on your transcript from a decent school, that might be transferrable or creditable)? And do you have to do a real SAT and application? I haven’t taken the SAT since . . . the 1980s. I remember the score, but am not sure how I’d prove it.
Anonymous
Do you need the actual credits, or do you just need to know the material? If the latter, check out MIT’s Open CourseWare.
Anonymous
I feel like I’d like the self-policing that credits and a real class with a final would entail. Otherwise, I never seem to do the free stuff or to do it seriously (I audited a class once at the masters level and it was interesting but I don’t think I learned the material with any degree of competence b/c I didn’t work the problem sets; it was like watching TV but in a lecture hall).
CPA Lady
When I switched from my previous field to accounting, I took online courses as a non degree seeking student. I had to fill out an application, but it was really easy and straightforward and nothing like the private college applications I filled out when I was in high school. I didn’t have to take the SAT or anything like that, since I already had a degree. I did have to send them transcripts of the other classes I took.
I took as much as I could online from my local community college (4 classes, I think?) because it was really inexpensive and then transferred those credits to State U to take the rest of my business and accounting requirements. If you do the community college route, check to make sure that the credits will transfer, since some of them do and some of them don’t.
I did all but a handful of my classes online so I could continue working. It’s pretty different from a classroom setting and a lot of self-teaching, but it worked out well for my situation.
FP
Obviously nothing is the same everywhere, but it sounds like you would enroll as a non-degree seeking student at my university. Figure out which universities have what you want, and call the admissions office and ask them about registering as a non-degree seeking student. If you have a BA you will not have to take the SAT or anything. You will likely have to send a transcript from your BA school, though, to show that you have completed that credential.
There is definitely a hierarchy for online schools. Sticking to non-profit schools with a brick and mortar presence is generally a good rule of thumb. Stay away from for-profit schools.
emeralds
Yes, this is my understanding as well.
Anon
I’ll be traveling in Eastern Europe for about 10 days next month. I realized that while I”m there, I’m going to need to check on something with my bank account. I normally only access my banking app when I’m on data or when I’m on my home wifi.
I won’t have data while abroad, so is there a safe way to check this information?
Anonymous
I’d just use the hotel’s wifi. Maybe delete the banking app from your phone and just log in via private setting in the browser so no info is stored in the history?
Anonymous
Yes on a WiFi network. It’s fine.
Anon
Is there any way you can avoid doing this? It’s not about Europe per se, but hotel wi-fi networks are generally not that secure.
Anonymous
Have you looked into VPNs?
MKB
Yes, this.
Anon
Yes, you need a VPN.
ChrisLovesCoffee
Agree, for banking or other sensitive sites or apps you need to use a VPN, That way your data will be encrypted and far less vulnerable to hacking. I use Hide My Ass whenever I am on insecure (i.e. public) wifi – it’s a weird name and there is a charge for it but works well for me.
Anon
OP here- sorry, we’re staying in Airbnbs, not hotels!
Anonymous
they would have wifi no?
The airport or train station also probably has wifi
Anon
Spring for mobile data
Katy
I have Verizon and they have a plan where you can use data for $10/day when abroad. If you have Verizon, maybe you can get data for just the day you plan to log in to your account. The $10 is for 24 hours from the time you first use the data.
EM84
I would use the airbnb’s wifi to check online banking info. Your airbnb will most probably have wifi from a reputable internet/multimedia provider with better security vs public hotspots. I live in EE.
family communications via email
Anyone have a family that communicates death in family via email? This has frustrated me for years….it is on both sides of my parents families and trickled down to their children. So my parents, aunts, uncles and cousins…they will send an email to notify of death in family. It happened again last week. I find it insensitive and irreverent and frankly cold. I think a phone call to family is required, but maybe I am making too much of this. They also keep in touch mostly via email…vs. calling or visiting. They seem to all like it this way and don’t care to be any closer, so I have accepted it. I used to send Christmas cards to all, but didn’t receive any in return. With the passing of my 89 year old uncle last week, I sent a card to my aunt. I see other families doing more even when the relatives live out of town, so I feel like this is insufficient. Please share your experiences.
Anonymous
I think you’re being really weird. When my mom died no sorry I didn’t care to have a dozen or more distraught conversations about it. I drafted one email and sent it to everyone I could think of. This is not about you, get over yourself.
Anon
Found the hostile commenter of the day!
anon
HAHAHAHAHAHA I love it!
Anonymous
Huh? I think she’s being really nasty about people suffering for no reason.
anon
I was laughing at the 11:11 Anon who called out the hostile commenter…totally agree that commenter is nasty!!
Anonymous
Nope. The OP is nasty not the commenter.
Anon
See, I don’t think this was hostile. It was blunt but 100% accurate. The people closest to the deceased should not have to burden themselves with phone calls to extended family, and it does seem kind of selfish to make an uncle’s death all about you, instead of their spouse/children who are much closer to the loss.
Anonymous
Exactly. Like. We are now calling a poster speaking from her own experience as a grieving relative who couldn’t have made these phone calls hostile? It’s baffling the tone policing lately.
Anon
You’re confusing “blunt” with “nasty.” Blunt would have been “Hey, you’re wrong about this because it definitely isn’t rude – it’s because people don’t want to make phone calls when they’re grieving.” Nasty is calling the poster weird, implying she’s self-centered, and telling her to “get over herself.”
Worry about yourself
+1 to Anon at 11:29AM, “this isn’t rude because reasons” is fine, I also agree that having to call a bunch of family members when you’re grieving is really tough on someone and that perspective can be helpful. Telling someone they’re being weird and self-centered is nasty.
Anon
Seriously the tone policing.
I totally get what the poster is saying. When you’re grieving you need to get word out, and feeling like you have to personally call everyone is such a burden and only adds to the grief and stress of the moment. Email is a welcome advancement.
And OP, it’s true. You are making this about yourself and not the more immediately bereaved.
Anon
You get the hypocrisy in your gleeful calling out of people you think are rude, right? Just checking . . .
Flats Only
I’m sorry about your mom, and I don’t think your comment was hostile. You’ve hit the nail on the head as to why people use email for this. I personally would much rather get an email vs. a phone call that might catch me eating, asleep, in a work meeting, etc. and without pen and paper to write down funeral details.
Anon
You’re not being hostile, and this person who is obsessed with tone policing is so off her gourd here. I agree with you, it’s unreasonable to expect somebody who just suffered a close loss to cater to your communication preferences.
Suburban
Gently, those in the position to relay the passing of the relative are generally those closest to the deceased. You do not get to dictate social obligations to them during their acute grief in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death. In other words, it’s on you to comfort them during this time, not on them to pass along this news in a way that you find gentle and comforting.
OP
OP here. Thank you….I wasn’t thinking that its a social obligation to make a call vs. email….was just thinking that email is a means of communication I use for informal, brief communication and not sensitive topics such as a death in the family. Thanks for your feedback…maybe I am misunderstanding the family’s approach. Looking forward to additional feedback….
Anonymous
Unless your family sets up a death phone tree, then one poor person has to have the same call every time, which is hard to do emotionally and in a timely manner without just burning out. Maybe try to set up — all siblings call their children only, who call their children, and pick second cousins and neighbors and such? Otherwise, if you want to go to a funeral and have any travel, you need to know asap to get there in time.
#FamilyDeathPhoneTree for the win?
Vicky Austin
Phone tree…now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.
Never too many shoes...
I watched Practical Magic last night! Phone tree FTW.
anon
My uncle recently passed away. They basically had a phone tree, although it wasn’t set up ahead of time.
His wife called my dad. My parents happened to be visiting my family, so they of course told us. My uncle’s wife asked my dad to call the other brothers and some other relatives, so he did. They passed the info along to people they were close to. I assume my aunt also called her daughters, at least one of her sisters, and someone from their church, who in turn passed the information along.
There was a funeral 4 days later. It was well attended. No emails or social media posts were made announcing his death before the funeral.
anon
For what it’s worth, I collect old etiquette books and most of them talk about how a friend of the deceased/family who has the appropriate emotional distance (so close enough to be involved but not so close as to be overwhelmed with grief) should volunteer to take on the task of notifying less-close relatives, friends, members of the deceased’s social circle, etc. Those would have all been phone calls, telegrams, or letters in those pre-email days. It’s the same idea – sparing the deeply bereaved that task.
Suburban
Also, I’m sorry for your loss.
anon
My dad died a year ago. It still hurts to say/read/write those words. One year ago it was even harder – nearly impossible. I relied on close family friends to spread the message (however they wanted) because I wasn’t emotionally up to the task. I would encourage OP to have a lot more compassion for the bereaved.
Anonymous
I think that’s awful, but there’s no use in getting upset about it because this is just how your family rolls. Keep sending thoughtful cards, and when it’s your turn to deliver bad news do it by phone instead of e-mail. Perhaps your example will rub off on others.
OP
OP here…thank you for your support – this is exactly my plan. Been setting a different example for years, specifically for my sons.
Anonymous
Is there a way you can come to peace with this, even though you don’t like it? Since this is your family practice, and it extends across a lot of different people, it doesn’t seem like change is on the horizon.
In the face of continuing situations that bother us, we have a few options — continue to battle against them and try to get people to change, continue to fume over them internally even though we know they won’t change, or . . . work toward coming to peace with it — even if it simply means coming to peace with the fact that this is painful for you, but that you can love the people involved anyway, in ways that feel better to you.
Anon
I woke up to an email from my dad with a subject that said “Gram died.” (my mom’s mom, who I was pretty close to, although she’d had Alzheimer’s for years, so the death wasn’t a great tragedy). I told him I found the email callous, and then when his mom died I got an email with a subject that said “My mom” and then in the body of the email he told me she’d gone into the hospital, various bad things had happened, and then she’d died. Points for a slight improvement in tone, I guess? So…yeah. My family uses email to communicate death. But also, I subscribe to the circle of grief theory and for these deaths my parents were in the innermost ring and I was not, so I feel like it’s kind of their decision how they want to communicate about it.
BT
I mean…if the regular family communication is via email, then I don’t see anything especially cold about communicating about a death in the family via email. If they were regular phone users and switched to email for just this announcement, that would be weirder.
Also…is it a big family? Maybe email communication is preferred because then everyone gets the same information at the same time, instead of having to organize a phone tree in the old days or the notification person needing to make 50 phone calls.
OP
Good point…it is a little larger family….my mom has 7 siblings still alive…so maybe email eases the burden vs. making many calls.
Anonymous
OMG — I cannot imagine managing this many relatives, friends, etc. Pls don’t complain about the manner or the message — they are probably grief sticken and trying not to omit anyone and making it so that you can just hit FWD and not have to call if you’re too broken up about it.
Anon
Seriously!
Cookbooks
I come from a large family that’s scattered all over the place, and when someone passes, usually a few people are told and then the news is left to filter through the grapevine. To reach out to everyone by phone would be too emotionally exhausting.
Email can certainly feel distant, but we often forgo email and go straight to What’s App, of all things. It’s the easiest way to make sure the news gets out to most people. It’s a little weird and jarring to find out that way, but the most important thing is that family is notified.
Anonymous
My husband comes from a very large, close family. When there is a death, one person calls my MIL and she will make sure everyone else knows about it. She is both kind of a gossip, but also efficient and organized and so she knows who to call and who to assign that person to call and so on. Word will get around to everyone by the end of the day.
Anon
I get where you’re coming from and I’m sorry that this is happening. I agree that emails can feel cold and impersonal (and it can be downright jarring to read “Joe died” in between spam messages and notices from your bank). However, I think it’s unlikely to change and that there are some upsides to doing it via email – especially since it’s so hard to speak on the phone after suffering a loss. I think you need to let this one go, although I do understand your frustration.
OP
OP here, thank you for your understanding…I am accepting and letting go. Just feeling a little sad that the passing of a relative that meant so much to us is getting noted via an email – yes, in between spam and holiday sale offers.
Anon
You’re obsessing too much about the medium of the message here, probably because you’re grieving. I’m so sorry for your loss.
OP
OP here…good point, I may be doing that, thank you for your kind words
Anon
She’s not “obsessing” – she just posted a question on an Internet forum. I didn’t read anywhere that she’s badgering family members or cutting people out of her life for this. OP, I’m sorry for your loss.
Worry about yourself
Here might be part of the problem. Is your email being filtered into different buckets? Gmail has a feature that separates out not only spam, but promotional offers and social media updates, so your primary inbox shows you the important stuff, like family updates. If you’re getting it all in one bucket, I can see not really liking email and viewing it as impersonal junk.
Anon
My mom’s family is cold and distant and weird and I’ve just accepted it. I see my aunts and uncles and cousins only at weddings and funerals (so right now, we’re averaging get-togethers about once every 6 years – it’s not a very big family – maybe 35 people or so). Since they’re nearly strangers, just strangers with some shared DNA, emails seem appropriate.
For years I wished the family was closer and would try to nudge them in various ways, but it just never took. Because I had this weird, cold family growing up, family was really important to me as I got older, and I married someone from a giant family that gets together to celebrate anything and everything. I’ve poured my family energies into my husband’s family instead of my own. I’m not going to change 60+ or 35+ years of cold weirdness in my mom’s family, so I’ve just leapt with both feet into my husband’s.
anon
OP here….we have exactly the same family. You might see some of them at weddings and funerals, but don’t count on it….lots of email. I tried for years and have put my energy into my family with my husband’s family (his is much warmer). I am very proud to report that I have changed the pattern with our sons….we trained them differently and as young men, they are much closer to their families.
Anonymous
A little different situation, but perhaps not by much:
I was pregnant for the first time and I lost the baby. I was devastated, even though I sensed from some bleeding that this might be the outcome for several weeks before the baby’s heartbeat went away. I called my husband (I had assumed that a heartbeat, once established persists, and this one time he didn’t come along with me). I maybe called my mom but honestly cannot remember. It was an otherwise beautiful day in October, 12 years ago. I e-mailed everyone else I was close to. I didn’t have any words. And I didn’t for a while. By state law, we didn’t have to have a funeral or burial, but I would have been in no place to deal with that, except perhaps by e-mail.
anon
So very sorry for your loss….thank you for sharing this
anon
Sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage (surprise, no more heartbeat), called my husband (like you, he wasn’t with me for what we thought would be a routine u/s), and used some kind of electronic means to tell my immediate family, specifically saying I could not talk right now. The fact that one family member called me right away in response set the pattern that my grieving was going to be about what she needed, not what I needed, and it made me really sad.
Vicky Austin
Not to family. When my mom’s parents passed, their kids and grandkids and one surviving sibling were either there or given a phone call. We (my uncle) wrote emails to more distant family (my grandpa’s nephews whose parents were already gone, etc.) and their church and work friends. It was how they had conducted their social lives, so it made the most sense for us to go through that avenue to reach their social circles.
By contrast, when my dad’s dad died, most of us had already made the trip to say goodbye to him, but my dad just got a text from his brother saying “Dad is gone 11:23 AM.” I can understand why you might have no more bandwidth than just to state the facts at a moment like that, but it bothered me both then and now, for my dad’s sake and everyone else’s.
Anon
I understand those closest to the deceased not wanting/being able to make tons of phone calls, but I agree for a close relative an email seems cold. There’s no reason for the immediate survivors to be making these phone calls. In my family, another family member makes the calls.
When my grandfathers passed away, my parent (who was not the child of the deceased) called. There was no need for my mom to call me after her dad died, she was a wreck. So, my dad called my brother and I to let us know. For even more distant family members, such as great aunts or uncles, one of my parents has called to let us know. I’d never expect the child or the spouse of the deceased to get on the phone with tons of people, but I’d also be distraught if I found out a loved relative died via email.
OP
OP here….I love this strategy and I think it honors the deceased while supporting the immediate family in their time of deep grief
Anonymous
I thought the old fashioned way was a sort of phone tree- notify a few closest people by phone and ask them to notify other specific family members- sort of like the circle in/out idea. And a spouse if there is one, can do some of that initial calling.
Worry about yourself
I totally understand preferring to get a phone call about this for the reasons you stated, but I do agree with those describing the perspective of those communicating the deaths. They’re grieving pretty hard right now, and calling individuals to let them know of the deceased’s passing is really, really tough on them. Sending out an email is easier on them, and as long as the email was written in a compassionate, heartfelt way versus “hey guys, mom’s dead, funeral’s on Saturday,” I don’t see the problem.
I mean, I do think a phone call is ideal when it can be managed. In two years, my family lost two people, and in both cases we were called by their spouses, which HAD to have been tough knowing how many calls those poor widows had to make at such a horrible time, I’m just hoping that talking to family during those calls brought them some sense of comfort and that’s part of why they chose phone over email. But people feel different ways about the phone, and people experience grief differently.
OP, some of the comments here have been harsh and that’s probably not super helpful during this difficult time, but I do hope this thread has offered some perspective.
anon
My family absolutely does use a phone tree for deaths. Bereaved needs to call their children (who they would likely be calling for support anyway), and they each call siblings, children, on out. And this is in a very large family who mostly only use email and facebook posts. I think it’s a fairly traditional way of doing things. Like OP, I would be very upset to find out about my grandparent’s(or even 2nd cousin’s) death via mass email.
That being said, I am very estranged from my father, and found out about paternal grandfather’s death via newspaper. But that was…unusual circumstances.
anon
Posted before I was finished: Memorial details are often sent later via email. When I don’t get that info, I have even left messages saying, “email is fine…don’t feel like you need to return my call…I just want to be able to make it there…”
Anon
You’re making too much of it. One of my close friends died yesterday, and most of us found out by Facebook.
The ways we communicate have changed and getting all “kids these days” will do nothing but frustrate you, because the world isn’t changing to meet your preferences.
Seventh Sister
I get the frustration, but I don’t expect a call unless it’s a very close relative. My family is super spread out (my joke is that we all get along better if there are about 500 miles between us and the next close relative) and phone calls just aren’t practical. Plus, I HATE voicemails, and a “call me” voice mail would make me think of the worst possible scenario.
Anon
I prefer a phone call, but any direct, kind message is fine. I was notified about the death of my dad via a text from his friend that said the my dad had died at time X, which I knew wasn’t true because I had talked to him and his care team after that time. I ended up having to call the care team saying, “I think my dad died, but I’m not sure.”
Due to time zone differences (it was the wee hours my time when he died and I’d been up late talking to him and the care team), the care team called a more distant relative who lived locally first, who got the time wrong and then made up a mean-spirited and untrue reason that the care team didn’t call me first, and promptly told it to everyone in my dad’s time zone.
Since then, I’m a lot less worried about faux pas about grieving and death. Like, as long as folks are trying to be kind and compassionate, it’s fine.
AMB
I also come from a large extended family and email is the way these kids of messages are passed on. Usually the title is ‘Sad news about uncle x’. I agree it is a bit impersonal but it is effective – though the message is usually sent by someone outside the immediate family, but CC’s those who are, and while it becomes a bit of a reply all mess, they get at outpouring of love and sympathies from the family, in a way that I think is much easier to receive. I still have kept the emails from when we lost my grandmother. I think you are reading a bit too much into the medium but think of a way to improve it – perhaps reply with sincere condolences and recount a special memory of the person. You may inspire others to do the same.
Irish Midori
Rocking out the Harry Potter theme music in my headphones this morning. Happy Friday!
Anon
God I love Harry Potter. Looking forward to curling up and reading the books again (and watching the movies on cozy winter nights).
Anon
My husband and I watch all the Harry Potter movies during the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year. It is one of my favorite traditions.
Also, if you have not listened to the books on audio with Jim Dale narrating, I highly recommend.
Clementine
For a while, my son relied on audiobooks of “The Lizard Books” to fall asleep at night.
He was only 2/3… so ‘wizard’ wasn’t a word he knew and he immediately assumed it was ‘Lizard’. We did not correct this.
Anon
Love this.
Irish Midori
YES!! Best audible choice ever. We listen to them over and over on road trips and all the time.
Work wins (or life wins) or any wins lately!
So I have been working for weeks with an auditor and really getting exasperated with how many times I’ve thought we were done and got another email from him…anyway, I was sure that my worn-through patience was obvious, but as he was on a call with my boss last night to wrap things up, she was apologizing for not being able to work on the audit herself, and the auditor said, “oh no, [your staffer – me!] has been so super helpful and patient with me!” Three times.
So, YAY. I’ll take it. What wins do you want to share??
Anonymous
That a pretty heavyweight partner in the firm asked me to head up the collection for this Thanksgiving food drive thing. I told him no, I don’t have time for that. And didn’t give an excuse. The partner who used to do it retired, and the partners it got dumped on don’t want to do it either. I refuse to let it get dumped on me just because I’m a female associate.
Ms. not Mr.
I have a name that is close to a common male name (but isn’t) and constantly results in being misgendered. I will sign something, “Regards, Firstname Lastname” and receive a response “Dear Mr. Lastname”, or “Dear male version of Firstname”. I never know how to handle it. Sometimes I just ignore it. Sometimes I respond and say, “by the way, it’s Ms. Lastname (or Firstname). Or I get phone calls and people think I’m Mr. Lastname’s secretary, even though I literally answer the phone as “Hello this is Firstname Lastname”. I don’t want to be confrontational but I want to correct people. Help?
Anon
When I’ve emailed with someone with an ambiguous name that could be for either gender, I’ve been so grateful to see “Ms.” or a feminine middle name or “preferred pronouns: she/her/hers” in their signature. Pick a flavor that works for you and your workplace.
anon
Note, just “pronouns,” not “preferred pronouns.”
Anon
Dude I get dear Mr Smith and my first name is Lily! Like, how is there any mistaking this? Some people are just lazy or computer software is stupid but unless it’s someone you are going to interact with all the time, I’d let it go. Or? I guess you could add an ie to your first name, but I swear based on my experiences nothing would change.
Some people have added a she/her or he/him or they/them (I probably got this wrong) to their sig line according to other posters here, but that would zero percent fly at my company.
Eh
Happens to me all the time, I just let it be b/c I will (1) never speak to the person IRL, so it doesn’t matter or (2) I will speak to them shortly and say, “Hi, this is _________.” You hear the hesitation and they figure out they made a mistake.
It used to bother me a ton, but I don’t care now. It occasionally works out in my favor that catching them off guard helps me do my job better.
Anon
See this is why I don’t understand why people think identifying your pronouns is virtue signaling or performative wokeness. I’m a cis female who presents as pretty femme and I’m misgendered all the time. I’ve gone viral on Twitter a few times and each time many people referred to me as “he” even though my profile photo shows me with long hair and a not-insignificant chest.
Anonymous
I have a name like “Jennifer George” and constantly get emails “Dear George”. My email is jgeorge. I reply and say “My last name is George”, people usually email back to apologize, I roll my eyes, and move on.
Flats Only
My name is like that, and I get a lot of Dear Mr. Jennifer. For some reason I find it charming.
Anonymous
I have a similar thing happen with my name and usually just ignore it. But if it bothers you, maybe this is an alternate reason to include your preferred pronouns in your email signature? It’s becoming somewhat more mainstream of a thing to have in your signature, and should help clarify in your situation. e.g.:
Frances Smith
VP of Awesomeness
Mobile:1-999-999-9999
Pronouns: she/her/hers
anon
half of the time, I ignore it because I likely won’t interact with those people in the long run. 25% of the time I correct with something like ‘btw, it’s Ms. Taylor Smith’, and usually the person politely regrets and we move on. The other 25% of the time, people are just so careless/distracted that in a multiple back-and-forth, they get it right in the beginning and misgender me down the line. Then I roll my eyes and question their attention to detail a little bit.
Anon
This is a very random PSA but I’ve seen scratch-off world maps recommended here a lot as a gift for frequent travelers. I just got one and I kind of hate it. Russia, Greenland and Nunavut kind of dominate the map by surface area so if you haven’t been to those places it looks like you haven’t been anywhere. There are also a whole bunch of island countries (many of which I’ve been to) that aren’t big enough to fit on the map. I have a scratch off map of the US states too and I like that a lot more because the states are more equal in size and so the map is a better visual representation of where you’ve actually been. Just my two cents for anyone considering this as a gift.
Flats Only
I wonder if something with scratch off flags would be more fun. All the flags could be the same size, and it could be arranged by region or alphabetically.
Anon
Yes! I love that idea.