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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pull-On Cigarette Ponte Pants

A woman with short black hair wearing a light blue button-front shirt and navy pants with brown shoes

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m never going to say no to a good pair of pull-on pants. These navy pants from Universal Standard have a perfect 28-inch inseam and are made from a fabric that’s well-structured, but stretchy.

I would wear these with a slouchy sweater blazer and loafers for an easy, business casual look. For a super casual outfit, I’d do a short-sleeve sweater and a pair of white sneakers.

The pants are $94 and come in sizes 4XS–4XL.

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Sales of note for 12.5

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250 Comments

  1. I find that I cannot get myself to wear more than one fancy item per outfit. So, a blazer but worn with a tee or non-silk blouse not shell. Flats or loafers, not pumps.

    Oddly, it seems familiar. Formal, but make it casual. Comfy, even.

    Then it hit me: this is what Crockett and Tubbs were doing in the 1980s.

    2. Brilliant. That’s me today, back in the office: black tee with a blazer. Real pants, but lug-soled booties. What I need for spring is clearly a few Miami-colored tees.

    6. My uniform these days is blazer and jeans with lug-sole loafers. It feels a little like Brenda Walsh circa 1991.

  2. Has anyone done Invisalign or the like? Did you go through your dentist or through an orthodontist? Also what was the cost roughly? Would you do it again? I feel like my teeth are shifting.

    1. My husband is doing it now. It was about $6k when he started in Nov 2020. 50% up front. Set price for the whole treatment; they estimated 18 months and it is ending up more like 2 years but no price increase. We had $2500 of ortho coverage to apply; the rest has been out of pocket.

      He had braces as a teenager and in his early:mid 30s everything started shifting in a really bad way/ he had a badly crossed front tooth that was causing not only his teeth to look old and yellow but also constant cavities. Also it turns out the rest of his teeth have shifted and no longer touch in the back. They were surprised he could chew.

      A bonus for him was that constantly having to brush his trays meant he snacked less and switched from coffee and Diet Coke to water and seltzer. He’s lost about 15 lbs (in a good way) while having them on.

    2. I have a permanent retainer on the back of my bottom teeth and it’s kept my teeth straight for 10 years so might be worth exploring less expensive options first.

      1. Yes, this. Your teeth will shift unless you wear a retainer. I have a bar on my bottom teeth so they’ve stayed perfectly aligned. By my early thirties my top teeth were starting to shift, but I was also grinding my teeth so I just got a nightguard and that’s stopped the shifting for the last 10 years. If I hadn’t needed a nightguard, I could have gotten a retainer instead.

          1. This happened to me – the original permanent retainer I had was only attached to 2 teeth, so the others shifted. After having my teeth fixed again, I got a permanent one affixed to the front six teeth, and no shifting for the last decade.

    3. I had front only top braces over 15 years ago; once off, the Ortho installed a permanent bar in the back. My insurance covered 1/2 as was standard in the day. It was covered as I’d never had braces as a kid. Worth the inquiry.

      1. Lucky! I never had them as a kid, and got laughed out of the office when I asked if they would be partially covered in my thirties.

    4. get at least two opinions. i felt my teeth shifting too. first orthodontist told me i needed invisalign. second one said i could use a retainer. i even still had my old retainers, and she was able to make one of them work, so i only paid like $400 for the second one and i wear them at night.

    5. I did Invisalign in my thirties and my one warning would be that it did not make my teeth perfect; the orthodontist then insisted on putting real braces on my top teeth (just the six or so in the very front) to get them to perfect. I’m glad I did that now, but at the time I didn’t see it coming and was unhappy. The key when you’re done with whatever option you pick is to have the permanent retainer installed behind the teeth, both top and bottom. It’s just a small unobtrusive metal bar, but it holds everything in place, ensuring your time and money were well spent.

    6. I did it and while I’m happy that I did, I think most providers undersell you on the time estimate. This happened for me and several other friends. It also was more painful and life affecting than I expected. Long story short, it’s definitely not much easier than braces and evaluate it accordingly!

      1. I should add… I had bad teeth then braces as a kid, but only got a removable retainer that I (of course) stopped wearing regularly by college. Lots of shift. At the end of my invisalign, I got permanent retainers for both top and bottom, and if I had a time machine I would go get them when I was ~13!

      2. My ortho said that adult braces always take longer because the growth plates are closed. Our teeth simply don’t want to move anymore. My two-year estimate ended up taking over four years, and that was with standard regular braces.

        Note that having braces on too long can lead to gum recession, not due to poor hygiene but just due to the constant pressure on the mouth. My teeth are exposed way too far down, and I may eventually need gum grafts.

        1. I had to have gum grafts before Invisalign!
          If it’s known that adult braces take longer, I’m not sure why they wouldn’t factor that in when making estimates?

    7. I hated it. HATED it. It always hurt, and taking the aligners out was always sloppy. And they like to say “you can eat anything you want!” but they don’t mention that you can’t eat at all when the aligners are in. I eventually just stopped wearing the aligners, which kills me for the amount of money I wasted, but it was just awful. I so wish I’d done metal braces instead. I’d have looked doofy for a year or so and then I’d be done. I am basically an Invisalign anti-vangelist.

      1. Just curious how long you used them before giving up. I’m doing it now, and the first 1-2 weeks was definitely rough; they said the adjustment period would be 3 days and that was a lie. But after that first week or two has been totally fine. It is gross and saliva-y to take out the aligners, but I just deal and so do the people around me.

        I’m surprised that they didn’t tell you that you couldn’t eat anything while you have them in. My dentist was very clear that the only thing I could consume was water, and I’ve know several others who did Invisalign that got the same instructions.

    8. I have! I had normal metal braces as a kid, didn’t wear my retainers and had some crowding on the bottom and a bit of (unnoticeable) shifting on the top.

      My orthodontist said Invisalign is great for cases like mine – basically already straight, needs refinement – but not for people who really needed metal braces as a kid and need to see a lot of movement to straighten their teeth. Those people likely actually need metal braces.

      In reality, I mainly wore my trays at night, which made the whole thing take longer, but made my life easier. Worked for me, might not work for other people though.

    9. My dentist husband advised against it (but did note it’s easy money for most dental practices). He said generally it’s not worth it and better to go with braces or a retainer.

    10. Worst mistake of my life. I was quoted two years and it went to 5 with the last requiring braces unexpectedly. I developed TMJ that is still a problem and required about 6 months of physical therapy. My bottom teeth are too high now and still don’t look even and I hate my profile. I hate my smile. I started out with a minor issue (some crowding on the lower from not wearing a retainer) and ended up with many worse issues. For what it’s worth, i researched a ton beforehand. My guy was not just an experienced orthodontist but had been published and done lots of speaking with dental associations. Worst mistake ever. I see old pictures of me and miss my old smile. Heck, I miss not being in agony after a simple dental cleaning because having my mouth open like that aggravates the TMJ. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over this.

    11. I just finished up with it. Cost was $4,000 My company’s insurance paid $2,000. I think it was great. I did it due to bite issues but cosmetically it was an unexpected side benefit.

    12. I had braces as a teenager, stoped wearing my retainers (at the bad advice of my old dentist!), and had to get invisalign in my early 30s. My issues was too complicated for a dentist doing invisalign to handle so I did it through an orthodontist. It took longer than expected (almost two years) but it made a noticeable difference in how my teeth look and how my bite functions. Having invisalign is a pain because you have to take them out to eat/drink anything other than water and have to brush/floss before putting them back in. That resulted in some awkward bathroom encounters at work but I preferred that to having very visible metal braces. My orthodontist also said invisalign would be more effective for my issue than traditional braces. They hurt for like 12 hours when you put in a new tray each week but it’s nothing like the pain I had with metal braces as a teenager.

  3. What are everyone’s thoughts on wearing pull-on pants with your shirt tucked in? They do it in the model photos, but when I feel the need to hide the fact that my pants are pull-on in real life. Thoughts?

    1. I have some pants (lower rise) where it works well and some where there is just too much fabric in the stomach area of the pants for it to look good. It really depends. It’s not always a good look and TBH, I don’t think it looks great on the pictured pants.

    2. I have some pull-on pants from Loft where the waistband is smooth al the way around, and these work great with blouses or sweaters tucked.

    3. I’ve only ever seen it look good with a partial tuck – I feel like it’s too much fabric to tuck into unstructured pants otherwise.

    4. I assume they do it in product photos because they need to show the waistband. I’d be unhappy if I were trying to buy pants and I couldn’t see a photo that showed what the whole item looked like.

      However, I don’t think it’s a good look in general. The photo above doesn’t look stylish, to me.

  4. I was reading the blouse post from the other day and am very interested in the bespoke button-downs at Sumisurra. Does anyone have any feedback on having ordered one?

  5. two years into WFH and we’ve decided its time to get an at home printer. any recs or ones to avoid?

    1. Ugh printers. Make sure to factor in the price of the cartridges, and if it has an “out of ink” sensor, make sure there’s a way to make it print even when it thinks the cartridge is empty ages and ages before it actually is (sometimes “tape over the sensor” works).

      1. Amen. My printer blinked low ink for two years before I started seeing an actual decline in print quality. I don’t print frequently – probably 100 pages a month.

      2. yup. I would not buy the HP Envy 4520 again. Dries out so quickly, tries to force the ink subscription on you constantly. I have regrets, even though I got it cheap on craigslist…

    2. Get laser, not ink jet. Ink jet is terrible for intermittent use; the cartridges dry out like crazy. Brother is the best brand for no shenanigans. HP and Canon are notorious for games like forcing you to register for an account, only letting you use them when they’re online, and rigging their cartridges with ID chips so you can’t use generics.

      1. This! My cheapie laser printer was around $110 when I bought it 7 or so years ago and it still works great. The rare bit of color printing I do needs to be of better quality than what an at-home inkjet would give anyway, so I’ve no need for color.

      2. This, I have a black and white laser printer (the small brother one) and it works great, I’ve replaced a cartridge once in several years. I mostly use it for the occasional form and return label. It works well on wifi usually, but sometimes won’t connect with my 9 year old apple laptop — but it’s 100% at printing from my phone so in a pinch I do that. Every color printer I had the ink cartridges would dry out and force me to replace them every 2-4 months regardless of how I used them, so they were much more expensive to maintain.

        1. I also have the small brother BW laser printer and love it. I haven’t had a problem with connectivity to my laptop and really like being able to print from my phone or setting it up with another device with minimal hassle.

    3. If you just need it for printing documents, I think the brother laser printer is the most commonly recommended one, for cost and reliability. Our ancient HP is still going strong but that’s the plan when it breaks.

      1. I have a wireless brother laser printer. I bought it 6 or 7 years ago. No problems with it.

      2. This is our plan, too. After waiting for a crappy/expensive HP inkjet to finally bite the dust last year… and then my FIL decided to gift us a new HP inkjet for Christmas :-/ We print so infrequently that the ink dries out before we have a chance to use it much, so annoying!

    4. My office sent me a HP laser jet pro m203dw. I am a lawyer and print a lot of things. The ink cartridge that comes with it does not last long but the actual ones you buy from HP last me plenty.

      If you want a scanner I would buy an app and use your phone. Much faster and better quality in my experience!

    5. Printers are just marketing vehicles to sell ink, so don’t spend too much. They go on sale.

      I like my HP envy 500 series. It’s ink jet. I really try to print as little as possible, so what I really use it for is the scanner most of the time. It’s great for that.

      I enrolled in the HP Instant Ink program for $5/ month. They just send me new ink when mine’s getting low. I do not care that Big Brother knows about my ink usage.

      1. I use the Adobe Snapscan app on my phone and have found that I never use our scanner function anymore. It’s so much easier!

          1. I didn’t before using this particular app, it does a good job of compensating for lighting and docs that are askew. We had to scan a boatload of documents to process my husband’s application to become a US citizen and it worked great and was way faster than our flatbed scanner, which never seems to be able to maintain a wifi connection.

    7. Epson ecotank printer- you have to add the ink from a little bottle. I’ve only had to refill mine ONCE in TWO YEARS!! I don’t know exactly how many pages that equates to but with four people using the printer while WFH I would guess it’s a lot. The model I have is not super-fast but it’s fine for home office use. I’m sure it has paid for itself many times over in ink cartridges not purchased (and it’s really easy to fill, no ink spillage even though you’re using a bottle). Highly recommend.

  6. Could anyone recommend a divorce attorney in Chicagoland/Cook County and/or advice on choosing an attorney?

    Thank you.

    1. Not local so I can’t give a referral, but sending you lots of support and good thoughts.

    2. The family law court personnel know who the good attorneys are. If you have any contacts with the local family law bench or court staff, see if you can get a referral from them.

      Good luck — the only way out is through!!

    4. Lavelle Law – Kristina B. Alkass – is someone I know who practices in this area in Chicagoland. Good luck to you!

  7. Random question – is there any limit to free return policies at retailers like JCr*w, N*rdstrom, etc? I’ve been doing a ton of ordering of multiple sizes for my Covid weight gain and probably send 3/4 of the stuff I order back. do stores take note of this? Is it possible to get “blacklisted”? Honestly just curious!

    1. lol if it is, it’s a high limit based on my shopping patterns. If retailers adhered to their own size charts, life would be a lot easier…

    2. Lol – if I haven’t been blacklisted by nordstrom (I just ordered 13 pairs of pants…might keep one, maybe two) I doubt it’s a low limit.

    3. I do remember someone posting on this board after getting blacklisted at Nordstrom’s for too many returns.

    4. Stores do take note of it and it is possible to get blacklisted, yes. Individual retailers approach it differently – you can google to find stories of people’s experiences.

    5. It is possible to get blacklisted, yes, though no one knows the limit. Also, some stores use a return softare system that shares info across multiple stores. Like a black market of frequent returners so to speak.

    6. I think as long as you return items within the company’s time frame and in like-new condition/tags attached you should be fine.

    7. I’ve done this for years and never had any issues. To me, it’s a cost of doing business for retailers. If they want to sell women’s clothes online, and women’s clothing varies greatly in terms of fit and size (at least on my body, I fit a whole range of sizes), they’re going to get a lot of returns from me.

    8. Haha when I was going through the A Bra That Fits process I was surprised Nordstrom didn’t blacklist me, but they were great.

    9. I was blacklisted by Nordstrom. Had no idea I was close to the limit or that there was a limit at all. In fact, I did not think I was that big of a shopper, relatively speaking. I used to spend a fair amount of money there – worked with personal stylists who helped me spend more than I ever would have on my own – but I guess it wasn’t enough.

      1. Same, across the board. And despite that I can’t get them to stop sending me my monthly “Nordy Club summary.” It irritates me so much.

      2. Wow that’s nuts! I’m curious, were you a cardholder? I wonder if they have different rules for charges on their own card vs some other card. Do you mind providing any other information about what happened?

        1. Yes, I was a cardholder. Spent enough to get to a higher privilege level. Got a letter in the mail. It may have been by registered mail – I remember my husband had to jump through an extra hoop to get it, thought it might be something fun, but instead it was news that I was blacklisted. I, too, also get the Nordy Club summary emails.

  8. Low stakes question compared to everything else going on in the world – I’d like to get a set of diamond stud earrings for a big birthday coming up. Flexible budget. Any thoughts on places to get them from/size/etc? I know some of it is personal – but I feel like you can go slightly lower quality with earrings as opposed to say a ring. Tiffany obviously has gorgeous stuff but it’s so much more expensive than elsewhere like blue nile. Anyone else purchase earrings recently and have recommendations or have any other ideas for a big birthday gift to myself? Traveling is pretty much out of the question now for me in the short-term but hopefully will be able to do that later!

    1. Decide on what size you want. If you want “one carat,” a .97 carat stone costs disproportionately less than a 1.03 carat stone that is otherwise the same. So your wallet is better off shopping slightly smaller where it won’t be materially noticeable.

    3. I’d suggest trying on different sizes and shapes to see what’s most flattering on your ear. I thought I wanted 2ct diamond studs (i.e., 1ct per earring) but they looked too big on my lobes and were droopy! Turns out a 1.5ct set is not only far less expensive but more attractive *on me.*

      1. Would second this! I have tiny ears (attached ear lobes) and anything larger than 1 ct tw/1.5 ct twlooks oversized on me.

        Conversely, a friend with large ears looks silly in my little earrings and much better with closer to 2ct.

        1. I’m like you’re friend. Anything smaller than 1.5cts looks tiny on me, and 2cts (so 1ct per ear) is better.

    5. I actually like buying from Tiffany, the settings are really solid, the stones are carefully selected and the brand will help with resale if you decide to move on to a different look later. But if you just want the stone and don’t really care about longevity and resale, you can definitely get a lower priced and quality set elsewhere.

    7. Support your local economy by going to a small local jeweler. Can you get a lower price elsewhere? Maybe. But also if you have the disposable income to buy diamond earrings then you can afford to support a small business in your town.

      I paid about $3k for my 3/4 carat (1.5 tw) studs 2 years ago. They’re not as high quality as my engagement ring but they have a nice sparkle. A big bonus is that my jeweler allows trade ins at 100% credit for the original purchase, so if I want to upgrade I have a $3k credit!

    8. You also may try estate jewelry. One of our local jewelers sells a lot and puts it online so you can see before you go into the store.

    9. I got a bunch of earrings that are 1ct each for each ear (2 ct tw) from Lightbox jewelry. They are pretty cheap – $2000 for the set. Caveat that I am not very expert in deciding whether diamonds are high quality or not, but they are pretty sparkly.

    10. Lightbox–they are lab-created in white, pink or blue. They look fantastic and run 800-1000 a carat, which is a good deal. I love mine.

    11. Thanks everyone! I’m new to the area but will search for some local jewelers as well.

    12. I have a colleague who would wear something a ton, like a new blazer 2-3 times a week for months, then decide she didn’t like it and return it to Nordstrom. She did this all the time. I think the quality of your returns affects the list as well, because they were definitely getting well used stuff back from her. They gave her a talking-to and she was telling us all about it expecting us to agree that Nordstrom was in the wrong.

    13. I would get G or H colour, that’s been my sweet spot. Check out Brilliantly Engaged. They are really great. Do not get Tiffany. You’re not wearing the blue box on your earlobes.

  9. I want to get a poem framed for my husband to keep in our home office. I had someone on Etsy create the print, but am now debating what size to print it and where to get it framed. Any tips or suggestions? 8×10 too small? Thanks.

    1. I’ve been happy with Framebridge’s service for hanging on the wall. What size is best depends on the print / font size IMHO!

    2. For this kind of thing I’ve liked mPrint. Their prints are beautiful and cheap. You can also get an 11×17″ foam core print for $40. We hang them with sticky tack. I find that’s a good price point for things where I want it bigger, which makes frames expensive, and I think we will want it to last for some years but not forever. Haven’t really solved this, though, so I’m actually following everyone else.

    3. I would buy stock sized frames and get it printed separately rather than using a framing service. Even something like Framebridge is easily more than double the cost of just putting the print in the frame. For weird sizes, I’ve had custom frames made from Frame It Easy with success.

    5. Perennial plug for printing from costco- they do beautiful work at dirt cheap (like $4 for a 16-20). Would recommend 16×20 for almost any print, as its big enough to make a statement in most rooms.

  10. I have a cocktail attire work event tonight and I feel so out of practise for dressing up! Between the covid 15 and it being a random Thursday evening I feel a bit flustered. I’ve had a big change of colleagues over the past few years so this is the first fancy in person thing together and I feel a bit frumpy. I’m telling myself good hair/make up and a forgiving wrap dress and it will all be fine?

    1. Absolutely! And if you can polish your shoes and wear earrings or a necklace with interest, you’re golden.

    2. Absolutely. Use nice skin lotion, clean hair, attention to makeup and focus on good feelings rather than frumpy thoughts.

  11. Posting here because comments are not working on the moms s te:

    When did you talk to your kids about s*x, or when did you learn about it? I have a second grader and preschooler and DH and I are thinking about talking to them about it. I’m hoping to teach them all the correct terms, treat it like a science talk, and regard it as a normal part of life. We have a couple of great books to help guide us along. We’re ready to do that, buuut still a little hesitant about the actual s*x part. This is probably bc I learned about it from kids at school and was horrified. Our parents never talked to us about any of this (still haven’t!). I’m also wondering if our preschooler is too young? I think telling him at this age could be great, it would just be a non-issue but I’m afraid that he’ll run around school talking about p’s going into v’s. Help! I’m a mess!

    1. We had an adult after school program person at our kids’ school molest several kids, so we had to have a different sort of talk with them at grades K and 2. It’s a bit of a different take, but we talked about how areas that a bathing suit covers are private, you should never be alone with an adult who is not your parent, and those areas are private because they are for going to the bathroom or making or feeding babies, so not for others to look at or touch (with a smidge of: they are also used for making babies, so each parent has seen the others private parts). It’s not a fun talk to have (also: not having secrets), but maybe a good one once your kids are away from you and with other adults (school, activities, camps) so that they feel like it is OK to say no and have a norm for what is OK and what is not. So more re autonomy and consent and less on “fun recreational parts.”

    2. Your kids are at great ages to start! Get a book from the library and read it to them. Keep a straight face and just read it as a bedtime story. I don’t have any good recommendations because my kids have a very ancient copy of Where Did I Come From. It’s a little outdated in that it doesn’t account for same sex parents or trans kids, but it’s a start. My 1st grader likes to read it out loud. My 4th grader kinda groans when she does that.

    3. We read our kids “It’s Not the Stork” when my older one was in K. So my younger one has always had this book in the house and in rotation. It is not one conversation, but multiple conversations as they evolve/start thinking through things. My younger one commented that a pattern looked like sperm when he was 5 – to the shock of his aunt – but otherwise their knowledge has never been an issue. And even if it had been, I would rather my kids learn about it early and from us. (But I also explicitly told them Santa was not real because I was not comfortable lying to them and was not going to let societal pressure affect how we handled that issue.)

      My kids are now almost 13 and 10 and still come to us with questions. I feel like we established a good pattern early.

      1. Love this book. Read it to them for the first time in grade one. Twin A wanted it read everyday for week. Twin B never mentioned it again but somehow was hanging around whenever I read it to Twin A. 😂

    4. I started talking about it when my kids were younger than yours. They are adopted, and the concept of sex naturally spins off of the idea of how a child can be born to biological parents who are not raising the child. Big caveat that the level of detail in which my kids had interest varied lots in terms of when they wanted to hear and could absorb.

    5. Talk to them now! I honestly, 100% believe it is never too early, but it can definitely get to be too late. It was infinitely easier to talk to my daughter about sex and puberty when she was in first grade and it was all just a fascinating science project to her. Now she’s in sixth grade, and I’m SO grateful that she has such a solid background because she feels awkward about it now. I also think that this can’t be one talk; it has to be a LOT of talks, over time, responding to their questions. I would consider a book like “It’s So Amazing” and just add that into the repertoire of reading. Don’t make it a big deal. Read the book (or parts of it); answer questions. They’ll ask more questions and then you answer those. Life is a miracle and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in talking to kids about how we are made.

    6. About age seven or eight I remember asking my mum questions. My parents were pretty relaxed around nudity in the house (like, when getting ready in the morning, not letting it hang out all day!) and my dad used to take me and siblings swimming (and thus into the men’s changing room) so I had seen that the anatomy was different and kind of figured out the basic idea already. We also had a book that illustrated the ‘facts of life’ using square mechanical robots

    7. Specifically in relation to kid running around talking about v’s and p’s: Caveat that we are in Seattle, but I already try to use the “real” terms for baby’s parts (“I am wiping your labia” when changing diaper). So she’ll probably be running around using those words at age 2. The Midwestern Catholic in me is absolutely horrified. But that way of being raised did me no favors, and BigLittleFeelings says using the right terms early helps them get help if someone touches them the wrong way. I don’t know when we will talk about sex. Parenting is hard.

      1. Married to a Midwestern Catholic and follow a similar philosophy. Husband’s face while 2-yrold daughter and 4-yrold son were yelling at each other this weekend about who has a v*lva was Hilarious. Our parents would have been mortified.

    8. Funny memory. When my son was 4, he had lots of questions like “How do rockets work?” “Why is air see-through” and the follow up “Why are atoms invisible?” and “Why is money worth something?” and “How does sunscreen work?” Every morning in the car on the way to preschool, I got questions. He was an early reader and was reading by that time and was/is gifted. One night, he was in the bathtub and asked me how babies were made. All the advice I read told me to not give too many details and let the kid ask the questions. I told him that when mommies and daddies decided to have a baby, they snuggled in bed together and voila! Then the next day in the car on the way to preschool, he said “Mom you left something out.” I asked what he meant and he said, “When you were telling me about babies you left something out. I think there’s more.” So he got an enhanced version. And now he’s a doctor and I like to tease him by telling him that story.

    9. We started talking to them when they started asking, or in my older kid’s case, when he came home with allllll sorts of hilariously inaccurate ideas from the 5th graders at his afterschool program. This was about first grade. We used the It’s So Amazing book (and later, for puberty, bought It’s Perfectly Normal, which our prudish 13 year old declared “Obscene garbage!”–lolololol–but our genderqueer AFAB 11 year old loves). I started the conversation without the book, but it went hilariously off-track quick. We read parts of the book together, and the comic drawings helped balance out the very straightforward terms and explanations.

      My fave part was getting through that first big talk and being relieved, only for my older kid to ask about every 6 months over the next three years, “Wait, how are babies made again?” and then we’d have to go through the whole thing over again. At 13, he knows, and would like us never to mention it again. He won’t get that option once he starts dating and we have to talk seriously again about birth control and safety (he made me a $200 bet he’ll still be abstinent at 25…I took that bet).

      NB–we always talked about reproductive-related things openly from the start. Periods, gen*talia, etc.–all matter of fact from the get-go.

    10. I say provide whatever information seems sensible regardless of age and don’t dodge in direct questions.

      When I was pregnant with Kid 2, Kid 1 asked how I got pregnant. Kid 1 was very into baking at the time, so I said that his dad and I each have a special ingredient and when the ingredients mix together I got pregnant and then I had a baby. He was content with this explanation until recently.

      Kid 1 is in early elementary years now. Recently he asked me where babies come from and when I repeated the above explanation he (in a very offended voice) said “I *know* that! How do the ingredients get together?” So I told him. He did not believe me. He said “You and Dad really did that?” I assured him we had and he cracked up and said it was pretty hilarious. I laughed too and agreed it is pretty hilarious. Then I explained that while it’s not a secret where babies come from he shouldn’t discuss it at school because it’s something for parents to tell their kids. I also explained that sex is for grownups and no one should be touching his private parts or asking him to touch theirs, and if anyone does anything like that he should tell us so we can call the police.

      A week or so later he appeared with a how my body works book from grandma/grandpa and I realized he’d found the sex picture and was in fact quizzing me.

    11. Look for books by Deborah Roffman. She is a human sexuality educator at my child’s school and she is amazing. The books are great for parents and/or for use with kids.

  12. I am struggling to connect with my husband. We have very different approaches to hobbies and activities (i.e., outdoorsy camping vs. city sightseeing, geared up vs. low-key/budget) and it seems like lately we just cannot agree on anything. One of us might suggest something that the other has no interest in, and then gives up when there’s no enthusiasm, so we both feel defeated and unhappy. Without getting too specific, the latest involves a several thousand dollar expense for an activity which we haven’t done as a family, but which husband very much enjoys. I would be interested in trying the activity in a way involving less buy-in to decide if we like it, but husband is not interested in the (cheaper) alternatives, having already experienced them. Think – country club membership for golfing versus spending a day on the links with rented clubs. We could afford the expense in theory, but it’s not a necessity. Perhaps also relevant is that our relationship has been rough because of other circumstances and we could really use an opportunity to connect.

    Globally and specifically, does anyone have tips on how to get through these discussions or reach compromises that everyone can live with? If I say no, he gets disappointed and defeated, and if I say yes, I begrudge every dollar.

    1. For me, in this specific scenario, if I was truly interested in saving my marriage, I would let this expense go and got into the experience with an open mind and an open heart. If you can truly afford it, I don’t see the harm but perhaps there is something I am missing. This wouldn’t be a blanket all systems go on all activity expenses, but if I wanted to make it work, I would give it a shot.

    2. Do you need to go all-in and do the thing as a family to know if you want to really commit? I’d try it solo and then say if you are in or not. It may help if you hate it and not feel bullied into it if you do actually enjoy it.

      Also, is there a similar budget left over for you for your things? A she-shed or something similar?

    3. I agree. If you can afford the country club membership and he would enjoy it, then why not go for it with the mindset that if you end up enjoying it too it will be a bonus? You can still enjoy the bar or whatever. Think of it as your gift to him — his thing with no strings attached and no begrudging — and see where it takes you.

      1. Yes, this. I am your husband in my marriage, and it is a really bummer when every single thing is met with a lack of enthusiasm. It really kills my enjoyment of said thing.

        1. I am also your husband. To put it bluntly, the fact that you have no interests does not entitle you to prevent your husband from enjoying his interests. Let the poor man have some fun. If you truly aren’t interested in the activity, send him and the kids and enjoy some alone time.

          1. Hey now, those of us who hike or walk or read or cook or garden or sew for fun don’t have “no interests”! We just don’t cost as much as skiers!

          2. I’m the Anon at 12:02. While I agree with you generally, I have to say that doing things alone (I don’t have kids but also I would think the point is the same with kids) isn’t the same for me. I do do a lot of my interests alone, but sometimes I want my husband and I to enjoy things together, like life partners, because that’s what I signed up for in being married. So OP, try to enjoy some of these things, as another poster said with an open heart and an open mind. It means a lot to the enthusiastic partner!

          3. In my situation, my husband truly has no interests. He even begrudges the time I spend on my hobbies that are absolutely free.

        2. I doubt this is your issue, Anon at 12:02, since you’re the female, but for husbands like the OP’s, I tend to wonder what he’s taking on to free her up so that she has more energy for “fun” activities. It’s a bit hard to get jazzed about a round of golf or going skiing when you also have to make all the meals, do all the laundry, figure out what to do with the kids while the adults are indulging in this leisure activity, etc.

          1. Oh yea, this makes total sense for OP, and I def am more understanding about the lack of enthusiasm if all the mental/emotional labor for the household is on OP. Definitely not my situation! ;)

      3. Yes. If you can afford it and his hobby isn’t like, clubbing baby seals, then why not? Why always put a damper on your husband’s fun?

    4. A friend of mine in law school characterized this in a way that I found helpful which I’ll share in case it helps you. His parents had a similar dynamic, where his dad would spend large sums on various hobbies or activities, and his mom didn’t agree with the expenditures; however, his dad was a law firm partner and they could easily afford them. The mom was opposed only on principle. My friend said his mom characterized these expenditures as a “marriage tax” – she would never agree with the spend on the substance, but she decided it was worthwhile to let her husband “waste” a few thousand dollars a year in order to maintain marital harmony. Since you say you can afford the expense in theory, maybe you could use this approach as well.

    5. My heart goes out to you. It is terribly hard to manage different money approaches. It sounds so me like the core here is that it’s been so rough lately and you feel disconnected. You’re both making bids for connection (a good thing! Means you’re still invested), but you are in a pattern where you reject each other’s bids. It sounds like as a result, they’re kind of escalating and feeling higher stakes as each person feels less and less like their needs are being met. How can you tackle that? Thinking out loud… $3000 of golfing vs. $2500 of counseling might be a wash. My husband and I have really liked Gottman workshops ($300ish for a weekend), going for walks together (cost of a babysitter), and really focusing on “turning toward” the other’s bids (“wow, sounds like you’d really like to go on this trip as a family. It means a lot to you.” And then active listening) to repair. Best of luck to you.

    6. My husband is the type of person who always wants the more expensive version of a thing or is not interested. It can be frustrating because I’m interested in doing more activities but am more realistic about how fleeting our interest will be. Money is pretty tight for us, but honestly, this dynamic would probably play out at almost any income level (he’d be interested in the most expensive private plane or none at all).

      Where we can afford something he wants, I usually agree but talk about the tradeoffs. So following your example, it may be, “We can join the country club, but that means we won’t be able to go skiing in Aspen at Christmas.” We make the decision together, and I don’t hold a grudge about the money we spend.

      It’s actually more frustrating when I want something–home renovations, a family trip–and he doesn’t want to do it unless we can spend twice as much, or ten times as much. It takes a lot more discussion and compromise to figure out how we can both be happy when that comes up.

    7. Given that you’re in a rough place, and are disconnected, and can afford the expense, now is not the time to “begrudge every dollar” or battle with him about spending patterns and money. There’s a bigger issue, which is that you two need to learn how to like and help and encourage and champion each other again. That goal is worth spending several thousand dollars on. Then, later, when you two are reconnected and liking each other again, you can work on smoothing out the spending patterns.

      1. +1

        For the sake of the relationship, lean in to these sorts of activities since you can afford them. When the relationship is in a better place, then you can re-evaluate new activities and implement a budget for doing them.

    8. This only works if you’re talking about buying supplies (rather than a membership, like in your example) but DH and I compromise by purchasing high-quality but used versions of the hobby things. (For me, camera lenses. For him, musical equipment.)

    9. What’s getting me here is that you have a situation currently where your husband is extremely interested in something and instead of you not being interested at all (sounds like that’s been the case in the past), you’re at least partially interested and feel it’s worth trying. And your husband is not taking the bait and helping ease you into it. If I were him, I would be relishing the opportunity to introduce you to the activity and share in my enthusiasm for it. But he’s not interested in holding your hand through the initial steps, he just wants to jump in with two feet whether you’re with him or not.

      Have you talked to him about not feeling very connected, and how this would be an excellent opportunity to feel more connected – for him to share with you something he loves that you’re expressing interest in, but he’s not allowing you to experience this thing WITH him, which is what you’re looking for?

    10. This is a tough one, but I suggest starting with the idea of, “Can we afford it, both in time and money?” And if the answer is yes, for either of you, then get to yes. Life is short. Do the things. Perhaps set up a slush fund account for each of you and allocate money to it each month. That can be a no-question spending account if that helps reduce stress. Then look for ways to connect tangential to activities. If it’s a boat and you don’t love being out on the water, for example, make a plan for a post-sail brunch date so he can tell you all about it. Or if you love hiking and he doesn’t, perhaps plan a date for after a hike so you can tell him all about it. Individual hobbies fulfill us, and that’s probably good for a relationship. Or plan a trip and allocate time for the family do your thing, his thing, and if there are kids, each of their things.

    11. There’s an interesting tension in your post between making decisions as a unit and prioritizing individual interests. There’s a need to both having bonding activities as a family unit and also allow space and time for individual interests, and I’ve been through fights trying to balance those. Spouse used to surf 20hrs a week, and was thinking of buying a new board every 2 weeks or so- I like spending time on the water but in ~1-2 hour bursts vs. all of Saturday.

      He wants to do thing X, the rest of the family is either inexperienced with X or uninterested in X. Do you have other things you do as a family and would X displace those? Would you enjoy having the same amount of time as X per week to do thing Y? Could you think about things A, B, and C to do together and then allow spouse to have X to himself? Alternatively, not all the activities have to be shared- there’s always dinner, at home activities etc that could be your thing, interspersed with him goes off to scale el capital, while you investigate the local bistros.

    12. Life and budgets are most definitely not only about necessities. If you can afford it, I’d consider it an investment in your marriage. And it doesn’t have to always be like this but right now sounds like you both need to connect and hear YES from the other person.
      That said, he should also be saying yes to your ideas and approach and not trying to upgrade it.
      An option could be you each plan one date a month and the other person just goes with it, no negotiation involved.

  13. Warning, rant ahead: I hate fashion and clothing options right now. I feel like I am struggling. I have never been one to follow trends but I also don’t want to look as if I stepped from a time capsule either. Under no circumstances do I want to party like its 1999 and dress that way too. I do not want to wear square toed shoes, lug soled boots, short, yet flared jeans, chunky a** sneakers that clomp like a Clydesdale, or anything with pleats. And for the love of all things good and holy, I do want to don the sister-wife chic prairie dress that is only missing the neat french twist and gaggle of offspring. Do I just keep on with my skinnies and ballet flats and look like those ladies that donned blue eyeshadow with aqua net for a decade too long? I do have a loafer I can swap out but, ugh, I like my ballets the best. Fashion is just a weird wasteland these days with the worst of the eras gone by resurrected. Just yesterday I saw an ad for a Lisa Frank X Crocs collab the world never needed.

    1. I was with you until I got to the Lisa Frank and Crocs collab. Middle-schooler me, who just wanted that gd Lisa Frank trapper keeper but whose parents never would spring for it, really loves those hideous crocs!

      2. Oh hello, fellow person who wanted all the Lisa Frank but was denied by her frugal parents! I had to content myself with a single folder.

    2. I’m with you. I hate pretty much everything that’s out right now. I’m just going to hang on to my current clothes that I like and ride out these trends. Hopefully in a season or two looks will improve and I can get some new pieces.

    3. I frequently hate fashion trends. The industry moves so fast that it will pushing a different set of items in the next year or so. You can let them pass you by.

    4. Sadly, the price of hating current trends is to risk looking like you stepped out of a time capsule. The good news is that one or two current pieces can go a long way and if you look hard enough you can probably find something you can tolerate, if not love. (Looking at your loafers over there…)

      1. +1

        And I’ve been reading here long enough to remember when posters were complaining about skinny jeans because trouser-style or bootcut was the only thing that “balanced out” their hips.

        I’m nearly 40 and also struggling with it. I’m still wearing my skinny jeans but not buying new ones. I’ll probably wear ankle length kick flares with flat mules this spring. (I’m not ready to hem my jeans again. Remember having the original hems from you jeans reattached ?) So same concept different approach.

        Also people watching is sometimes better than bloggers and websites. Yesterday I saw a women older than me wearing a shirt jacket open almost like a blazer with a business casual outfit and I finally “got” how that trend could work for me. She looked amazing.

        1. Great point about the people watching. My husband and I took a field trip to a fancy regional mall a couple of weeks ago because I needed a gown for an upcoming formal event, and it was great to see the clothes on actual people and even on manequins in the actual stores. Gave me a whole new perspective.

        2. I did some people watching yesterday at lunchtime in a downtown office area. Everyone is dressed much more casually than pre-pandemic. I saw a young woman in a longer blazer over a tee and cropped shredded hem skinny black pants worn with skinny mules. Maybe she’s a reader here! Anyway, I thought, ok I could do that. I don’t see myself wearing sneakers to the office ever, though.

          2. That’s funny because I have been wearing pretty much nothing but sneakers to the office since I got my FitBit fired up the first week in January. Which, I hasten to add, i would never have dreamed of doing in The Before Time. Today it’s with a cute BR knit skirt and green knit top that was featured on here a while back.

      2. This. You can reject a lot and accept a little and look updated. You can choose straight leg jeans or slight bootcut jeans, full-length, and eschew the kick crops. Trade out the ballet flats for something with a pointed toe in a trendy color, pattern, or fabric or wear the loafers you have. And there are lots of dresses out there that are not prairie dresses but midi length that are a nod to current without taking on the sister wife in PE class look.

    5. You’re listing some pretty loud and aggressive trends there! You don’t need to go there specifically to look somewhat with it. There are middle grounds! I saw a picture recently of three actresses from around circa 2003; 2 were peak trendy for the time period and looked AWFUL by now-metrics and one was wearing a black turtleneck and dark wash jeans and had simple makeup and looked fantastic and timeless. I think you can update your basics and look good without veering into full blue eyeshadow and frosted hair territory. Classics will always be classic; it’s only the super trendy stuff that looks bad once it stops being super trendy (case in point: Working Girl — for the most part, Tess (post makeover) and Sigourney Weaver still look pretty good and everything else (super trendy) from the secretarial pool does not).

      1. Agreed. I prefer to look at least reasonably current and I’m not wearing any of the things you listed, OP (nor would I). The biggest updates I’ve made:
        -Switched to center parting my hair and added more layers for a breezier/looser more 70s vibe
        -Ditched the dark skinny jeans, replaced with Madewell Vintage High Rises in a medium wash
        -Got a pair of black paperbag pants for work + skinny black cords, since the stylish people around me are still wearing skinny cords for whatever reason and they let me keep some of my looser, flowier tops in rotation
        -Nipped in the proportions on the top. Got a couple of tighter-fitting tops and wear them tucked in.
        -An edgier pair of Chelsea boots. Mine are from Thursday. I get a ton of compliments including from my very Gen Z students.

      2. This is a great point. I always focused on dressing for my body type rather than following trends to exhaustion. When I look at my photos from the early aughts my outfits still look really cute. Yes, my super low rise jeans scream 2002 but I never look at any of my past outfits with embarrassment.

    6. If I felt this way but really wanted or needed new things, I’d probably look for “minimalist,” “classic” or “timeless” items. Probably a lot of neutral colors and very basic shapes. Like, a straight leg pair of tan-colored pants. If this is boring or needless, then I agree just keep wearing what you have and like.

      With everything going on in the world, opting out of fashion should be an option for anyone!

    8. I give myself permission to skip fashion trends when I don’t like them, but would urge you not to get stuck in time with a single silhouette. That really is dating.

    9. I’m with you. Add cropped tops to that. It is SO hard to find full-length tops these days unless I start shopping at the same stores as my mom.

    10. I’m a middle-aged mom and I was walking out of a store yesterday when a pretty young woman asked me where I got my shoes (Naturalizer ballet flats with a rubber sole). Maybe ballet flats are so out they are in again? I’m hoping – they are easy shoes and loafers make my feet look wide and unattractive.

    12. Yes, you will look like you’re dated if you don’t update from a look that was ubiquitous in the early 2010s unless you have a keen eye for individual style (but that’s okay if it’s what you like to wear. No rule says you have to be trendy).I wear very few of the items you listed, but I do keep my silhouette updated. I’ve transitioned to straight-fit pants over skinnies, and I wear loafers and oxfords (TBH, I think ballet flats have been out for quite awhile). There’s a happy medium here that will keep you from the “blue eyeshadow” look. You don’t necessarily have to go for full lug soles, but check out shoes with a slightly thicker sole.

      If anybody’s in the market for loafers, the Frances loafers at Madewell are so incredibly comfortable!

      1. This. Update the silhouette without going all-in on trends. Straight-leg jeans with an ankle-length hem instead of crop flares, loafers instead of ballet flats, a slightly longer blazer instead of a gigantic oversized one, etc.

    13. I’m wearing my skinny jeans and flats, but with the pie crust blouses and lettuce-hem tees that are everywhere now. I often think the top half of the outfit is the easiest to update.

    14. What about instead looking for trending items that you do like? Right now there are great suit sets, great sweaters, a different color palette that is refreshing, and both shrunken and big jackets and lots of cute structured small purses. If you go into it with a positive attitude you can find pieces that will update your wardrobe so you don’t look like time stopped, but without forcing you to wear snip toe shoes if you don’t like them.

    15. I’m in a similar boat right now in terms of fashion, and the hard part is, I have lost weight over the last two years and am having trouble buying replacements. Initially, I felt excited to buy and replace things, but the whole process has turned into a frustrating chore. I’m struggling to find items that fit and flatter me. I don’t mind some of the trends, but there is not much stock in stores right now. I’ve been looking for a pair of pants or jeans….I don’t mind bootcut or flared, as long as they are full length and not cropped.
      The good news is that I’ve saved a ton of money (I have not bought any clothes this year yet, though my husband actually bought me a couple of sweaters in my size while we were out together as he was frustrated on my behalf!)
      I’ve been leaning really hard into cultivating my own personal style regardless of trends. I’ve always loved dresses and skirts, so I have a few items in my new size and I am wearing those similar to the way I used too…skirts with sweaters and tops and boots that are semi-lug soled, but more classic, or dresses with a soft utility jacket. I don’t think I look trendy, though I do receive compliments. I’m wondering what I can do to update my look. I am experienced at sewing garments and I’m re cutting some of my too big clothes as I lost many sizes, as well as making some skirts and new dresses….sadly, this is frustrating too, as I have to re cut / trace patterns as those are too big too! I feel a bit stuck with the options available now.

    16. I’m with you on the shorter flares. That will never look okay to my eye, mainly because I came up in an era where if your jeans didn’t drag the ground you were mocked for wearing “highwaters.”

      1. I’m with you on the shorter flares. That will never look okay to my eye, mainly because I came up in an era where if your jeans didn’t drag the ground you were mocked for wearing “highwaters.”

    17. I am in the same boat, but I have broadly embraced not caring about what other people think. I love a good low boot, but always have, and skinny jeans are just more flattering on me so that’s what I wear. An oversized blazer looks downright silly on me, and I am not ultra-feminine or twee in anyway, so sister wife is out. But, to be fair, I also strongly dislike a lot of the more classic looks shared here (no LK Bennett elbow length or Talbots anything for me, please). As with most things, I think so much boils down to the confidence with which we present ourselves to the world. In my opinion, there’s a certain mature confidence about wearing what you like and not caring about what’s trendy.

      1. Speaking of mature confidence, I also think there’s a rather large category of clothing that I call “never was in style so will never be out of style.” I include in that category things like my late lamented turquoise leopard print St. John Knit skirt suit (sadly tried unsuccessfully to wash the skirt and ruined it), my evening bag with beaded cocktail glasses all over it, and similar.

    19. I think they key is making some adjustments without going all in; for example:
      – Keep the skinny jeans but update the footwear (loafers, chunkier Chelsea boots but not doc Martin level chunky, cool sneakers). I personally think ballet flats are very boring and super dated.
      – I hate prairie dresse, but I like the floral patterns they’re in so I wear trendy smocked shirts in those patterns
      – Instead of going for very trendy jean silhouettes, I’m doing straight leg as a compromise btwn skinny and whatever the kids are wearing
      – Lean into the classics. Its almost warm enough for me to wear my summer uniform aka a black tank top dress.

      1. Re. hating ballet flats, sometimes I find it easier to hate the old trends than to like the new ones.

        Hopefully that steers me in a less out of date direction even if I’m not stepping outside my door in floods.

    20. Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one. I agree with every thing you’ve said here!

  14. Here’s a question – what is the biggest career mistake you’ve made, what did you learn from it, and how did it turn out in the end?

    Mine is taking a job that appeared more “family friendly” but that was so dysfunctional that it drained me emotionally and took away from the quality of time I had at home, even if it theoretically gave me more flexibility.

    1. Allowing myself to be suckered into family caregiving. I’m stuck in a small town, catering to one person after another (grandparent, parent, step-parent) as they succumb to age-related diseases and injuries. My promotion trajectory and salary is absolute trash compared to what it should be, had I moved to a tech hub.

      In retrospect I should have realized that leaving would have forced everyone else to step up, and even if they didn’t do enough, I would be making enough now to pay for part-time nurse aids to come to the house. As it stands now, I’m not going to be able to retire until my late 60s at best.

    2. Getting a PhD in the humanities. This is not a setup for a viable, stable career for anyone except one handful of people per year. And even those lucky folks, at least those I met, tend to be unhappy, insecure, and facing constant pressure.

      I basically started over at age 30, and am now in health care (masters-level provider). I don’t need to tell you the downsides of that right now, but I’m thoroughly employable in any place and at any time. I never catch myself feeling like my job is a sham or my colleagues are all narcissists.

      At this point my take on my PhD is: I learned a lot and made some great friends. It may have given me an intellectual acuity that I took forward into the rest of my career, but I can’t really know that either way. Overall, I do see it as a mistake. People tried to warn me, and I didn’t listen. But as “dumb things I did in my twenties with long-term consequences” go, I got off easier than some people do.

    3. I had a similar one. Took a position for a more flexible schedule that turned out to be “you must be available 24/7 but yes, you can technically go home.” It was toxic and awful, too, which was the worst part. I left. I did learn a lot – both in actual skills and in how to manage very terrible people. I also learned that I am very good at handling some kinds of stress and not others (fake stress that is just toxic crazy people freaking out is not for me). I also gained 10 lbs and got into some pretty bad habits like yelling at my kids when I am stressed, tired, etc. I left, thankfully, for something much better. I am working on kicking my accumulated extra lbs./bad habits and yelling. Hopefully it’s not a permanent thing and I can just have this be a “tough but valuable” learning experience.

    4. I feel like I stepped out of BigLaw too early. In hindsight I could have done the work and gotten much farther or at least had the money. Now I am bored and feel stagnant and like I can’t get back in at the same level.

    5. This is from the VERY beginning: When I was a second year law student I had just had a baby and was too overwhelmed with that to even think about applying for a judicial clerkship, even though I was near the top of my class and, I think, could easily have secured one at the Federal Court of Appeals. Lord knows what doors that would have opened. I’m not super unhappy with how things turned out now that I’m inside two years from retirement, but… I feel like I could have achieved a lot more.

    6. I was just thinking about this last night: I somewhat regret that I never even considered that I might be able to make partner at my BigLaw firm. I went to a V10 firm out of law school, but from the start, I assumed I would have to leave the firm to go in-house or go into government or to a smaller firm at some point. I basically counted myself out of the running for partner. Now, 12 years into my practice, people I was a summer associate with have of course made partner at the firm, and I find myself thinking, why did I just assume that was out of reach for me? I have a very nice in-house gig and am happy with where I’ve ended up, but I don’t really understand why my 25 year old self had so little faith in myself.

    7. I focused more on my personal life than professional life because who wants to be a millionaire and go home to a nice empty house and not have time to enjoy life. I focused more on my toxic relationship throughout most of college and all of law school and even took a bar exam in the state he lived in. I definitely would have focused more on school, getting a high paying job right out of law school, etc.

  15. I learned that someone I used to be close to suffered a death in the family and I’d like to send a card. The obituary requested donations to a children’s hospital and I see that there is a place on the donation page to request a card go to the family that reflects the memorial gift, with space for a small note. Any advice on whether I should only send the memorial gift note, send a separate sympathy card along with the memorial gift note, use the e-card option, or just make the donation anonymously and only send a direct sympathy card? Trying to figure out what would provide the most comfort.
    *If it matters, the deceased family member was not a child, but was a supporter of the hospital.

    1. I would do both the memorial note and a separate sympathy card where you can write something more personal.

    2. I agree — do both. When my mom passed the best part of the day was looking at the mail, and why not give them a second boost with a notification from the charity?

    3. Regardless of whether you make a donation, send the personal note. I have clear and dear memories of notes that I received, including one scrawled on a leaf from a legal pad because the sender knew that reaching out mattered more than the stationery.

  16. giving another go in this ask which didn’t get response in weekend

    what do you do for professional development? do you have a plan and what does it include? do you schedule and keep the time?

    1. As a lawyer I have CLE requirements that I generally meet pretty easily, with the exception of ethics requirements. I basically sign up for any free ethics CLE that comes my way, and spend an hour once a year or so making sure my records are up to date in both jurisdictions I’m barred in.

      In terms of softer professional development, my current long term goal is to pass a finance charter for alternative investments. After that I’ll move on to my next goal, which I think is to do a guest lecture or two, and maybe then teach a pass/fail class as an adjunct. I’m not so great at the medium-term professional development, and should maybe set up an hour every quarter or so to think about that and develop a plan.

      1. i have monthly time and quarterly reviews for just this but for the last 18 months I’ve been less rigorous about it. hurray for a new bid who takes it seriously!

    2. It depends on what field but most fields have a professional society, like the RMA for banking, SPHR for HR people, of course ABA for lawyers. Those usually have a suite or series of classes, online/virtual and often the employer will pay for the classes. There is also a Project Management certification that would be useful for a lot of businesses/fields.

      There are certificates you can earn in many fields, some related to the classes listed above, others self-study, like CPA, CMA (certified management accountant), actuarial certificates, PMP, certified financial planner, CHRP/PHR, Series 6,7 etc licenses. There are online college/university classes to prep for these along with other non-university providers. Some of these are required for some jobs but might be helpful for others.

      My personal plan included a lot of those classes prior to getting an MBA/Finance Masters. Then I started teaching undergrad and then graduate level finance classes. Then I started coach training to be a career/life coach.

  17. Busty ladies! Any casual dress recommendations?

    It’s finally warm and I want to start wearing clothes that are cute and fun. Normally I buy at thrift stores, but I wasn’t inspired in my last trip.

    1. I got a dress from Lands End that has a crossover top and looks good on my small-framed, but busty self. It’s called Women’s Cotton Model Jersey Surplice Fit and Flare Dress. Will link in reply.

        1. This looks promising! The size chart indicates Lands End runs large…does that seem to be the case?

          1. Eh, not really, at least I didn’t think so for this dress. I’m generally a small in dresses from Loft and Banana Factory (sometimes a medium if the bottom half is more fitted) and the small Lands End dress fit me well.

  18. Ugh. I’m taking the second year of the CAIA exam tomorrow (a charter for alternative investments in the vein of CFA), and my body has decided that this is the week to having horrific morning/all day morning sickness/nausea/etc. You can’t leave the testing room, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

    I can take it again in six months at the October sitting for like $450, but I’ll be nine months pregnant by then! What a mess. I feel like I wasted a year of studying. I guess I may as well go and leave if I have to.

    1. I think you just vomit in the room (maybe bring a hefty bag?) and hopefully everyone learns a lesson the hard way. Good luck!

      1. I keep thinking about my friend whose appendix burst in the bar exam. She passed!

        It’s at a testing center, not a giant sitting like the SATs or the bar exam, so maybe I’ll be the only one??

      2. I love this suggestion. Serves them right for being so awful, and if you’re the only one in the room, what does it matter?

        If you are in the U.S., can you request an ADA accommodation of some kind (I know it’s last minute but it’s a thought).

      3. I actually think this is exactly what you do. If you can get airline motion sickness bags, bring those, otherwise gallon ziplocs work. Trash cans, buckets, or Rubbermaid dishpans also work well if you have access to a bathroom to rinse it out, but might not be so good in this situation. Unfortunately I have way too much experience having to keep working through nausea and I’ve never even been pregnant. I’m sorry, though, it sucks.

    2. Oh this is the worst. I was never so grateful for WFH than the day I was talking to a teammate about his report’s promo… while crouching by the toilet. Can you arrive early and talk to the proctor? “Can’t leave the testing room” might be wiggled into “I will just go outside the door which has a window in it to vomit. You’ll be able to see me at all times.”

      1. Agree with this – maybe they can also give you a seat near a door. At this point unless there is a consequence for things going poorly I’d just do your best and see what happens. Best of luck.

      1. Oh, this is also a good idea. Just take it at least once ahead of time to make sure it doesn’t give you headaches.

    4. Have you tried Sea Bands? If they work, they might be a safer bet than taking a drug you’re not used to.

    5. Good luck! Been through it and hated that exam.
      I join with those encouraging you to go and see what happens, bring sick bags and carry on.

  19. this might be a dumb question, but how long can water be in a cup or bottle before it is no longer safe to drink. like if i fill a non-fully sealed straw cup with water and put it in my car in the garage the night before, can i drink it in the morning?

    2. I regularly drink water from bottles that were forgotten in my car for a week or longer and I’m still alive.

    3. Yes. Much longer than that. For what it’s worth, I drank from a water bottle yesterday that had been on my bike for IDK how long and didn’t die. Normally I at least pour the old out and refill, but forgot.
      I admittedly do a LOT of suspension of disbelief where grime/germs are concerned when it comes to my camelbak bladders, and still no worries. That said, I only ever put water in them. I’ve seen some nasty ish in peoples’ camelbaks who put other stuff in there (sports drinks and the like). Even that won’t necessarily kill you or even make you sick, but even for this dirtball it’s gross.

    4. our tap water is actually too cold for my preferences so I have been drinking at least day-old water for…. a decade? the issue isn’t so much the water as it is if the cup was dirty!

    5. I admit I didn’t realize water sitting in a cup could become UNsafe. If it’s water in a cup or bottle, I drink it. No consideration to how old it is. I also have ingested water in cups that my dogs have drunk out of with no ill effects, so that should give you some idea of how safe you are drinking day old water bc dogs are gross.

    6. Why… would it be unsafe? I genuinely can’t understand the concern. Unless you left it in an environment where mosquitos might lay eggs in it?

      2. or the cup is so extremely grubby that microbes would find enough sugar or other food to multiply. They can’t just do it in clean tap water.
        Sometimes the bottle will change the taste a little over time, but that’s more a matter of taste than safety.

      3. If you drank out of it earlier, it could get some bacteria in it that could conceivably multiply, no?

        1. Technically maybe. Without a favorable environment (cozy nutrient rich environment) it’s not that likely. But those were bacteria that already lived in you and were part of you. They don’t suddenly mutate into something toxic when sitting on the lip of the cup.

    8. Yes, the water can become unsafe. No, it’s not overnight.

      For reference, stilltasty.com advises that a commercially sold, opened bottle of water will keep 4-6 days in the fridge with a lid on.

      1. If you don’t have a tight lid on your cup, it will still be several months before dust or particles could potentially (but not necessarily) make the water unsafe. Unpleasant will happen long before unsafe.

  20. Nasal breathing: has anyone focused on making a change to nasal breathing only? The Stuff You Should Know podcast on it this morning had me going down the rabbit hole, and I’m wondering if it actually makes a difference, and if it should actually be this hard!

    1. My dentist pushes for it. She says she uses the barely sticky surgical tape and gently tapes her mouth shut at night. She swears it’s not as bad as it sounds, but I don’t buy it, ha. I think it’s indisputable that it’s better for you, though…

        1. It makes cavities less likely. Mouth breathing doesn’t allow your saliva to do its job of keeping your mouth from getting too acidic, and it eats away at enamel when it gets acidic.

          It seems like she’s right, I’m just not quite on board for that yet…

        1. Haha right? Mouth taping is apparently super common in the “nasal breathing” community!

          2. Lol, that is pretty amazing now that you point it out. We’re getting t-shirt made.

      3. I might try this. I wear night retainers and they’re basically sucked fast in the morning, dried out from mouth breathing. I think they would last longer if they weren’t bone dry and being wrestled with every day.

    2. Don’t we breathe through our noses most of the time anyway? Now you have me thinking about it and forgetting how to breathe.

      1. Many people do so naturally, yep. But about 30-50% of the population breathes through their mouth, which is less optimal.

        1. Mouth-breather here. I have enlarged adenoids, meaning that I can only breathe through my nose if my mouth is actively closed, and I have to think about it, and even then I can’t do it for all that long. It definitely has disadvantages.

    3. Yes, it makes a huge difference! I highly recommend the book Breath by James Nestor. It is fascinating.

      1. Tell me more! Have you experienced any change from it, and what did you notice? How did you make the switch?

        1. Over the two weeks when I was reading the book I made conscious effort to breathe through my nose. Since I was continuity reading about it, I had a daily reminder. The biggest change I noticed is that I fell asleep easier when I was concentrating on breathing through m y nose. In the book, the author does a ten-day experiment where he taped his nose closed and only breathed through his mount. The measurable effects on his health were terrifying (ex. increased sleep apnea and blood pressure). Part of his recovery from the experiment was lightly taping his mouth shut at night like other posters have mentioned.

    4. I wish I could breathe through my nose more but I always feel at least partially stuffed up. After years of trial and error, I think I’ve figured out that in my case it might be due to allergies.

  21. Talk to them now! I honestly, 100% believe it is never too early, but it can definitely get to be too late. It was infinitely easier to talk to my daughter about sex and puberty when she was in first grade and it was all just a fascinating science project to her. Now she’s in sixth grade, and I’m SO grateful that she has such a solid background because she feels awkward about it now. I also think that this can’t be one talk; it has to be a LOT of talks, over time, responding to their questions. I would consider a book like “It’s So Amazing” and just add that into the repertoire of reading. Don’t make it a big deal. Read the book (or parts of it); answer questions. They’ll ask more questions and then you answer those. Life is a miracle and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in talking to kids about how we are made.

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