Thursday’s Workwear Report: Ribbed Featherweight Cashmere Tee

242 Comments

1. My husband (who I adore) has depression and anxiety and has been self medicating with alcohol. After what was essentially a week long binge over the holidays, he acknowledged the problem, saw his doctor, tapered off and hasn’t had a drink in a few days.

   I’m so proud of him and also so exhausted. It’s been such a rough two weeks on top of the rough year. He’s emotionally yo-yoing all over the place. We have 2 very young kids. He really is a great dad who’s giving them/me everything he can- he just doesn’t have a lot right now.

   How do we survive the next days/months/weeks/years? I’ll take any thoughts, any stories, any ideas.

   Thank you

   1. you need help! Do you have family/ in laws who can support you? do you have the resources to pay for help. Also are you getting the emotional support you need– are you seeing a therapist? attending al-anon? i wish you luck. it’s an enormous burden for you.

   2. Join Al-Anon or find a therapist whose specialty is in helping family members of addicts.

   3. I’ve been in a similar situation. it is really tough, especially with young kids. My small step advice is for you to make a plan to meet up with a friend ideally with kids this weekend. somewhere like a park for coffee. Then you just need to make it two more days. Isolation is tempting but it wasn’t good for any of us, especially me that had to hold everything together. Our families aren’t good support systems but we have several friends that really got it, weren’t judgy, and helped us through. please don’t be afraid to ask for help. sending you all the positive thoughts.

   4. I’ve never been in your shoes but I have been in his.
      r/stopdrinking is one of the best subs on Reddit. Encourage him to check it out. I found it so helpful even though I only read.
      In the first few weeks when I was really white-knuckling, I gave myself grace/permission to eat/drink whatever my brain said it wanted, except for alcohol. In my case, I didn’t have issues with any other substances, but ate a TON of ice cream and pizza. All of my knicknacks being organized in Talenti containers stems from when I quit drinking.
      Spindrift makes the best flavored sparking water.
      For me, it did get better. 5 years later, I can feel my feelings and am all-around happier and more successful. I’m not one of those folks who looks 10 years younger having quit drinking, but I finished a graduate degree, am an adequate, if not good partner, and my life is where I want it.

      1. Agree. As the one with the alcohol problem, I felt like having something to do really helped. I read 200 books the first 3 months sober because my peak drinking time was 7-10pm.

         Al anon is a great suggestion because everyone’s situation is different. But in mine, the more I had a place to be and a thing to do, the less I drank. In part, it meant getting a new job because I could have a most of a bottle of wine, go to bed, and wake up and do my job no problem. It just didn’t demand much of me anymore. New job made that impossible.

         1. Same with me and the 7-10 p.m. timeframe. It was the desperation and dread of having the whole evening ahead of you and having to face it. He’ll need to find a way to occupy his brain. It does get better.

         2. I’m 9:28 anon and for me it was not cracking a beer as soon as I got home from work at 5. I lived alone and wasn’t in a relationship at the time; in fact didn’t even tell anyone I was quitting. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been any fun to be around those first few weeks. Hugs OP. I hope he’s over this hump quickly.

   5. No advice, my tactic of plainly st
      aying ‘you’re emotionally disregulated maybe take a break’ was recieved with rage.

      1. I mean, you sound like you’re diagnosing someone rather than noting their behaviors. Why not just, “hey, you need a break, please. Go get a nap or a bite to eat or a hot bath, we’ll talk when we’re both calmer”

         My husband used to try and diagnose me and there’s a few reasons we’re divorcing- you’re not this person’s doctor, you’re their friend and support, ideally

         1. Thank you! My soon to be ex husband was also a fan of diagnosing me. Worked out great for him – *he* was never overly emotional (right?), because he doesn’t have problems.

            Also, I cannot like “you’re not this person’s doctor” enough. Leave the professional diagnoses to the professionals.

         2. I agree about not diagnosing medical conditions if you’re not a doctor but “emotionally disregulated” isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a symptom. I don’t know if you have kids but it’s something people say about kids allllll the time and if it’s fair for me to recognize when my kids are emotionally disregulated, I don’t know why I can’t recognize when another adult is. To me it’s very different than labeling someone as having autism, depression, anxiety, etc which is inappropriate without a medical diagnosis.

            1. Agreed, can we please stop making excuses for bad behavior from men? It’s not helpful to tell someone to cOmMuNiCAte better when their partner is displaying clearly and objectively inappropriate behavior.

            2. “if it’s fair for me to recognize when my kids are emotionally disregulated, I don’t know why I can’t recognize when another adult is.”

               Because there are a lot of things parents say to their kids that aren’t appropriate to say to adults. I tell my son to eat his dinner but wouldn’t dream of telling another adult to finish their meal, for example.

            3. Using long, Latinate technical vocabulary when trying to get someone to do what you want is often going to be perceived as an attempt to import authority from the context of the technical term, and people may react as if they’re being bullied. Kids don’t have as much context as adults for where words come from and how they’re used socially so they’re less likely to object, at least not till they’re older. I think it’s better to just talk like a regular human even if the analytical terms are useful academically.

            4. I would never say “you’re being emotionally deregulated” to my kids or any kids. I would focus on their behavior – you are screaming, you are hitting, you are crying. No one in the midst of a tantrum is going to take a step back and consider what their brain is doing and why and how it affects their body.

               A thing I do I try and use “I” statements – I can’t deal when a person calls me emotionally disregulated, so I will go to my room and shut the door and hate you.

               You can do what you want – good luck!

            5. ou’re using language that implies your view of “appropriate” emotion is the only one that matters, and talking to a SO like a child is not OK. You’re also not likely to get the result you want with this approach. Ever have someone tell you to calm down? How did that go?

               The advice of saying something like “it seems like this is a bad moment. You want to regroup after a stress break–grab something to eat, take a bath, etc.” is perfect. It diffuses rather than raises conflict while also training the other person to recognize their stress and deal with it in ways that are better. (And then do talk it out when calmer.) You’re not giving a pass for bad behavior–you’re pushing for the convo to be more productive. I’m happily married 18 years. This is the way–you are a team tackling life’s stresses. You are not the person’s parent or doctor or other authority figure.

               I second the advice above to connect with a therapist or al anon and to try to get some help watching the kids so you can have some time to decompress, process the changes happening/stay attuned to your individual wants and needs, and also remain connected to things and people outside of your marriage that are important to you as you navigate this period.

   6. My husband and I went through something similar (without kids). He struggled with intense anxiety and finally started seeing a therapist and taking an SNRI. The combo has changed his life and our relationship. So I think best thing to do is get him to agree to try medication and possibly talk therapy until he’s stabilized. The latter will require you taking on solo parenting so that he has time to make progress – my husband saw his therapist weekly for a while, then went down to twice a month, then monthly, and now has paused. He’s doing so well, and I am so proud of him. I know it seems like things will never improve right now but with the right medication and support he (and you!) can flourish!

      1. +1

         The critical question is – why was he drinking? If he was self treating his anxiety with alcohol, then he needs to be aggressive about treating his anxiety/depression or this will be a very rocky road. So I hope the doctor he saw is a psychiatrist and that he has a road to therapy as well. Love the idea of the Reddit

         He will not succeed without treating his mental illness, and it is hard. Medication, therapy, and outlets for anxiety (exercise can be a great one for men/all) are key.

         Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

   7. Does he have any kind of pathway for addressing the anxiety, depression, binge drinking, and emotional yo-yo-ing?

      It seems like you, personally, need some space to stabilize and breathe, after a really bad year, topped by a really bad two weeks. You’re posting here on the day most of us go back to work—are you headed back to work today? If so, can you make sure you take genuine lunch breaks today and tomorrow, even if that means you merely go sit somewhere quiet for an hour? (Even if you work from home, see if you can get out of the house at lunch and go somewhere neutral and quiet.)

   8. Several posters on the moms page have been through something similar so you might post there. I’d wait until Monday since it’s really quiet now with K-12 kids on break.

   9. For me, sleeping in a separate room is essential. It gives me some downtime and space away from the intensity.

   10. I’m sorry — this is hard. Here are my thoughts, for whatever they’re worth:

       For the next days, see if you can find some space for yourself. Just….clean your house, or take walks, or whatever makes you feel like you have some control. Be kind to yourself and your family.

       For the next months, find a therapist, for yourself and your husband. For you, developing skills and vocabularies that protect you and support your husband are important, and a professional can really help with that. Plus having someone to vent to. For your husband, meds, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc. might be useful, and a professional can manage those questions.

   11. This happened to my husband before we had kids at the beginning of our marriage but after several huge life events. He was questioning everything and spiraling or arguing about nothing at all and it made me question the commitment to him and just all of it, feeling like this wasn’t the person I had married. What really helped was having a very close friend who was not local to vent to for support. I then found my husband a therapist and made him the first appointment. He was willing to try it and after a few months he hadn’t really made much progress so he saw the prescribing doctor in her practice (I think I urged him but I can’t remember if I had to make the appt). He went on SSRIs and our lives dramatically improved. I can tell from this thread it’s different for everyone but he needed me to push him through this, and it’s just something I had to know to do for him. Part of his depression and anxiety led to lifelong alcohol struggles that have popped up now and again even since the SSRI but it was never as bad as before and it was more important for me to curb the root cause over that. Nothing else changed the symptomatic behaviors – not talking, activities, etc. In fact he couldn’t even verbalize the extent of his depression and how serious it was until long after the fact. I feel really lucky actually reflecting on it. I’m sending you good thoughts and strength and the knowledge that you can get through this!

2. How do you all store your jewelry? I am old enough to have a lot of pieces — mostly what is fashion jewelry but a few finer pieces. Do you keep things in the boxes they came in? Put those in a big jewelry box? Or ditching the boxes in favor of a big box? Do you keep a list of what you have and what it is (I have some real diamonds but many other pieces are just shiny/pretty fakes). My main struggles are with tangled necklaces and keeping earring pairs together and posts unbent.

   I’m going through some family pieces with my cousins after my aunt’s death and don’t even know if things are valuable or sentimental. I suspect 90% is sentimental but know there will be drama on the 10% that is expensive.

   1. For my mostly costume/fashion collection of necklaces, I have a belt hanger with a bunch of hooks. I hang it perpendicularly behind the clothes in my closet (flat against the wall) just under the upper shelf. Keeps necklaces from getting tangled and while they are visible enough that I can reach through my blouses and select a necklace, they aren’t out in the wide open collecting dust.

   2. I like Wolf jewelry boxes. I have mostly small pieces and like their drawers with small compartments I can put a necklace or some earrings in.

      1. I use the Wolf jewelry trays with inserts. They’re on Amazon.

      2. + 1 to Wolf jewelry trays. I reserved one drawer in my chest of drawers to stack some trays in various permutations to hold ALL my jewelry — rings, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, etc. Pricey, but once you have this storage system you’ll wonder why you waited so long.

   3. I have a giant Pottery Barn jewelry box that I love.

   4. I have a stackable jewelry box from the container store. It’s a nice system because you can choose from different configurations and add more levels if your collection grows. I mainly use a level with several small compartments to keep everything organized.

      I sometimes keep the original box, but I don’t know why as I never really use it… If a piece comes with a small pouch or drawstring bag, I always keep those because they’re useful for travel.

      1. Sounds like a Stackers system – if so, that is what I have too and I love them. They are not inexpensive but worth the money in my opinion. Good quality and its great to have choices about different configurations, and I can add another layer when needed.

   5. Pottery Barn makes great boxes in all sizes. I keep everything in the jewelry box where I can see and use it, usually with its dust bag if it is valuable. I only keep the boxes for any big ticket items in case I want to sell them later.

   6. I have a jewelry chest I got from Wayfair years ago. It’s great storage and keeps everything more or less organized. It’s not locked and it’s obvious what it is.

      I have a flat ring box for very nice pieces, which I put in the gun safe when I leave for an extended period of time. I’m more concerned about fire/tree falling on house/other act of god than theft, but the safe is good for all of the above.

      I don’t have a list of my jewelry, but I have pictures of the nicer pieces. My engagement ring is the only piece scheduled on my homeowners. Everything else valuable is heirloom; I wouldn’t replace it if it were lost or stolen so I’ve never bothered to insure it.

   7. I like to be able to see everything, so I’ve got a jewelry stand. Has some arms to hang necklaces, other arms to hang dangling earrings, and some sectioned drawers in the bottom for the stuff that doesn’t hang as nicely, like stud earrings and bracelets. Caveats include that all my jewelry is small and I don’t own anything expensive – even my wedding ring isn’t worth more than $300.

   8. I use an earring tree for my most often worn earrings. I have a pretty seashell half on my dresser that holds stud earrings that don’t go on the earring tree. And a little bowl with a couple of bracelets I wear all the time. I like to have things where I can see them so I actually use them.

      I have a bunch of nice stuff that’s in a safe, unfortunately, which means I don’t wear it as often because out of sight out of mind. But it’s in the safe because I’d be devastated if it got stolen.

      I tend not to wear necklaces every day, so those are stored away. Just depends on what you typically wear.

   9. I used to have a jewelry stand which I really miss, and I kept all of my jewelry I wear regularly on it (including my fine/nicer jewelry because I do wear it on a day to day basis).

      I no longer have the shelf/dresser space for that so I keep all of my jewelry in the top drawer of my dresser using organizer tray inserts, which works well and is practical.

      It sounds like you might have more jewelry than I do and in that case I would get a jewelry box/standalone storage for the stuff I wear less often.

   10. Not OP, but do folks use a jewelry safe? If so, any you’d recommend?

   11. I have built-in jewelry storage in the inside of one of my closet doors. Similar to this: https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/pdp/latitude-run-grishilde-wall-mounted-jewelry-armoire-with-mirror-w005071248.html?piid=1012554037
       Lots of hooks for necklaces, with shallow storage for earrings/bracelets below. I really like being able to see everything all at once. In my old house I had decorative hooks on the wall in my bedroom and hung my necklaces from those.

       When we travel I put the expensive stuff in a small jewelry case like this: https://www.amazon.com/Vlando-Jewelry-Organizer-Storage-Hardware/dp/B0BNL8Z6S9/?th=1 and lock it in the safe. (And I also have another of these cases for traveling — best way I’ve found to keep things from tangling.)

3. Who’s back at work today and on the struggle bus?

   1. ME. I am not liking this one bit.

   2. Me. I’m a contractor so any time of I take is unpaid. Thankfully I’m able to WFH and today is light with meetings.

   3. Ugh, me. The holidays being on Wednesdays this year was very annoying! Any other day is better than Wednesday!

   4. I am! WFH, and no scheduled meetings, so I don’t have to be “on”, but have some looming deadlines.

   5. I’m officially back to work but working from home and not doing much.

   6. Me! I decided if I at least get through my inbox that will be enough for the day. Trying to ease back in.

   7. Me. Also recovering from food poisoning.

      1. Might be virus since noro is absolutely surging. If you’re around others, I’d be extra careful with wiping surfaces. And can be contagious for two weeks. Absolutely everyone I know has had this sweeping through their house. Either way, hope you feel better soon.

         1. Another household victim to the holiday norovirus surge. Apparently, Pepto is preferred over Immodium, and if you can get your hands on Zofran (and keep it down) it’s a lifesaver.

            1. I may or may not have taken some years old Zofran that was leftover from a prescription to my kid when I had noro recently. No regrets. I really wish you could get that OTC.

   8. Me, and I honestly like this weird hanging chad of a week. Enough people are still on PTO that I am digging out without extra stuff piling on top.

      1. +1. I’ve been on PTO since December 21, and it’s nice to get back into the groove by checking off some easy things. I’m putting together my regular reports, sending out some contracts I can mostly complete by template, and doing admin stuff like submitting last month’s expense report and completing the attestations and trainings that pop up at the beginning of the year. Tomorrow I’m hoping to do some deep work and planning for 2025, but it’s nice to have some time to settle in.

         My calendar for Monday is already completely full with back to back meetings.

      2. Same! I worked the Mon and Tues before Christmas, too, and it was bliss.

      3. I’m grateful to ease back into things with a two-day week!

   9. I am back at work and zipping along. My secret is that I marked the calendar to show that I would still be out of office today. This is allowing me to be so productive and set up matters in the way that I choose.

   10. Yes. I had an intense meeting this morning and I prepped for and got through that, but now I am floundering around not knowing where to begin.

   11. Me. I live in New Orleans and while my loved ones and I are all safe (and had left the French Quarter before it happened) am still processing the attack and haven’t slept much. I work remotely and none of my coworkers live here. Definitely struggling.

4. Happy new year folks! I’m feeling the need for a little pick me up. Has anyone ever booked a spa package for an entire afternoon ? Im thinking a massage facial and mani pedi at a local place but I could be persuaded schlep to nyc if someone has recommendations. Alternatively, if anyone has any afternoon length recharging rituals I’m all ears. Thanks!!

   1. I love going to Juvenex in K-Town to get a body scrub through their “Jade Journey.” It’s pretty cheap and extremely thorough. You can generally take you time in the sauna, hot tubs, and steam room.

      1. Sorry I just checked and it is called the Basic Purification Program.

      2. Not the OP but this looks like EXACTLY what I need right now. Any tips for a first timer? I’ve been to a Korean spa in Korea 15 years ago, where no one spoke English (and I don’t speak Korean), and it was an amazing but confusing experience.

         1. I think it is helpful to be comfortable going nude (assuming you are not going during the co-ed hours, when bathing suits are required). You can wear a suit for the hot tub and steam room but would probably want or need to remove it for the scrub portion. The scrub is THOROUGH – I actually had some scrapes after the last time – but I didn’t find it painful. It’s not super fancy or a very large space, but the small size also makes it pretty straightforward. It’s hard to do it wrong too much.

         2. My favorite Korean spa in Korea Town was a victim of the pandemic but I still remember it fondly! Believe it or not, my bridal shower was held there and there’s no bonding like everybody being naked together! LOL So… my tip is be comfortable being naked and just relax and enjoy!

   2. I did this when in Bangkok when spa services were much more affordable and discovered, unfortunately for me, that my back starts hurting after more than an hour on the massage table. So now when I want a full afternoon of luxury, I go to a place that has the whole water ritual (wet, dry sauna, hot tub etc), and enjoy that after my massage. If you will go into NYC, try Great Jones Spa

      1. I love Great Jones too! It’s a more upscale vibe than Juvenex, and also more expensive.

5. Anyone here with hyperparathyroidism? I was the poster last year looking for advice here after a mystery illness had me down 10% of my body weight, exhausted, and overwhelmed. I had tons of tests and got no answers. I pushed my PCP to test me for this after hearing about it and she was dismissive after an ultrasound came back showing only a small thyroid cyst that I was told to ignore. I have also been getting bad headaches and so recently got head and neck MRIs for that symptom. According to the new report, the cyst found during the ultrasound is a parathyroid adenoma after all. I am pretty frustrated but am finally getting referred to an endocrinologist. I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this.

   1. My mom did, but that was when I was away at college and I missed a lot of the details. I know she had surgery and got something removed and felt much better for it – more energetic, clearer headed.

   2. Mine was treated with medication to suppress my thyroid function and replace it with synthetic thyroid hormone (also an oral medication) until my thyroid started functioning properly again. That was many years ago, so I don’t remember how long it took – I think more than a year. No problems now. I didn’t have a cyst.

      1. She’s asking about the parathyroid, not the thyroid. Different treatments are needed.

         My sister was dx’d with parathyroid when her blood calicum was too low. She had surgery and is fine now. I’m not sure she ever told any of us the details.

6. Happy New Year!

   If you have a stand mixer, what kinds of things do you use it for? My electric hand mixer died over the holidays and I impulse bought a stand mixer and am now starting to wonder if I made a mistake. I’m an avid home baker but have never really felt the need for one before. I used the hand mixer for things that needed to be heavily beaten like meringues and whipped cream and made everything else by hand. I assumed the stand mixer would open up baking possibilities but after googling it, it seems like a lot of people are talking about bread, which I really enjoy making by hand (I find the kneading therapeutic!). I also have separate pasta and ice cream machines so I wouldn’t use those attachments. Is there something I’m overlooking?

   1. I like the stand mixer because you can turn it on and let it go. I find it annoying to hold a hand mixer for the time it takes to thoroughly cream/whip something. It’s also a lot safer to have one paddle than two beaters (especially if kids are around to stick their fingers in).

      Another use you may not have thought of is shredding chicken.

   2. Pizza crust at least weekly. Shredding large pieces of meat (once off the bone of course). The occasional cake is a lot easier, likewise whipped cream. I have and use the pasta attachments frequently as well.

   3. I use mine weekly for bread and pizza dough. Beating eggs or egg whites happens maybe 4 times a year.

   4. I use it for everything more complicated than box brownies :) Like pp said, it’s great because you don’t have to hold it and it can just do its thing. It’s a time saver because while it’s mixing, you can be scooping that next cup of flour or lining up sprinkles or whatever next step you have.

   5. It’s so much easier to use than a hand mixer!

   6. I have one (it was a gift), but I really don’t use it that much and find it annoying to use most of the time. I use it for some breads (I also like to knead by hand but it’s nice for really wet or sticky doughs) and when you really need to beat eggs or something else for a long time and you want to be able to walk away.

      Otherwise I just do things by hand because it’s more of a pain than it’s worth. You can’t as easily weigh ingredients into the bowl without having to take it on and off the mixer or get additional bowls dirty. It’s giant and heavy and takes up tons of counter space in my not very big kitchen, so I’ve alternated between keeping it in the basement and in an awkward corner, neither of which is convenient. I don’t make pasta, ice cream, or eat meat of any kind, I just bake a lot and I think I’d really be okay without it, though it is nice every once in a while.

   7. I use mine to grind raw chicken for chicken meatballs. (I don’t remember if the meat grinder attachment came with it or was separate.) As someone else mentioned, I use it for any batter other than boxed brownies. I was persuaded to buy mine when I read that you can use it to shred cooked chicken, which is useful if you keep an eye on it so you don’t end up with chicken powder, but I have come to love it for lots of stuff. And the ability to just walk away, to multi-task, is really priceless.

   8. Any time a recipe calls for creaming butter, I pull out the stand mixer — so most cookies and cakes. I also use it for some yeast dough recipes but not all. I make muffins and banana bread with the hand mixer and and biscuits/pastry doughs by hand. I bake something 2-3 times a week, so the stand mixer gets a lot of use. I’ve had mine for 15+ years and have gotten the full value of it in that time.

   9. I mostly use mine for cake batter, cookie dough, whipped cream, and pizza dough. Like others have said, it allows you to do other tasks while the mixer is going, but there’s very little that you couldn’t do with a good hand mixer. I keep mine under the counter, and it doubles as a “bookend” to prop up some cutting boards and baking sheets that are stored vertically in the cupboard.

      DH uses the pasta attachments a few times per year. We use the meat grinder attachment and ice cream maker very occasionally (once every few years).

   10. My husband uses it to knead bread dough. I use it for muffins/cakes/cookies/random baking and for mixing meatloaf and meatball mixtures for 3 pounds of meat. My only tip is to consider getting the smaller tilt-head version rather than the bowl lift version unless you make big batches of stuff a lot. The bowl lift version can’t effectively whip small quantities of liquid–egg whites or cream–so we end up using our immersion blender with the whisk attachment for those. And I find dumping flour into the bowl without getting it all over the mixer easier on the tilt-head version.

       1. PS – we do leave ours out on the counter, even in our small apartment. But my husband bakes bread at least once a week. We bought an all metal beater that can go in the dishwasher, as can the bowl.

   11. Ours gets used almost daily.

       Any type of dough (my husband does a ton of baking), from pizza, naan, Italian loafs for garlic bread, sandwich loaves, to cookies, brownies and cake batter. Whipped cream and egg whites for waffles. We have a pasta attachment and use that about once a week. It is also great for non-baking tasks like shredding chicken, as someone else mentioned.

       We have a separate ice cream machine and usually use our food processor for pie crust and drop biscuit dough. Pancake batter and pie custard are the only things I routinely mix by hand.

   12. I also prefer kneading by hand, but my stand mixer is really helpful when I make breads with high hydration or wet doughs. I’ve used mine to start making panettone at the holidays. It is also great to cream butter and sugar for cookies, and to whip egg whites for flourless cakes.

   13. I use mine for cookie dough, frosting, and kneading bread dough. I hate kneading bread by hand, so I basically never made any bread dough other than no-knead pizza dough before I got the mixer. I weigh the flour right in the mixer bowl. I have the little tiny Kitchenaid that can only handle about 4.5 cups of flour, so it is relatively lightweight and easy to get out and put away. It feels like much less of a production to use the mixer than to do any of these tasks by hand.

   14. I use the stand mixer for anything baking related. Probably my favorite use for it is whipped cream. It’s a set and forget it kind of thing and then you get the most perfect whipped cream.

       I have never evolved to use it for regular savory meal cooking, but I know some people use it to shred chicken and things like that. It’s just not how I tend to cook.

   15. Ha, I’m sympathetic to this but use mine all the time. I do think a handmixer is better for baking many sweets. I use my stand mixer for pretty much everything – bread, cookies, cakes, mashed potatoes, etc. I make bread much more frequently know because it’s so much easier and I don’t always have the time to knead the bread for as long as would be required during the week.

   16. I use mine for everything: kneading bread/pizza dough, English muffins, shredding chicken like others have mentioned, you name it. (Although I tend to use my food processor for pie crust.) And the 150 cinnamon rolls I just made for my New Year’s Day open house! I almost never use my hand mixer any more.

       1. would you share cinnamon roll recipe, please? sounds wonderful!

   17. Whipping *cold* butter with sugar until it’s extremely light and fluffy as the first step in many cake or cookie recipes.

7. Is anyone good at drafting professional, teamwork-y emails? I need to send an email to my bosses today that says, “Hey, I know Project before the holidays was a hot mess. I’m sorry I gave it to you without enough time before the deadline to do what you needed to do (because you never gave me a deadline and I didn’t ask and didn’t know) and I’m sorry the project wasn’t complete to your standards (because you didn’t tell me what you wanted and I did the best I could with the info you did give me). Going forward, let’s talk about basics like deadlines and content at the beginning for maximum success in 2025. Go team!” Is anyone’s brain good at this sort of thing? Some of it WAS my fault, but I also need basics from my bosses like deadlines and more info to produce quality work, so I do want to apologize but also tell them I need more info I need going forward. (We’ve been working together for EIGHT years! That this is still happening is an indictment of all 3 of us.) Thanks for any drafting help.

   1. I think you’re completely on the right track. Run in through ChatGPT or AppleAI and see what that spits out to get a little polish and just send it!

   2. This isn’t a problem that one email is going to fix, unfortunately. I’m in a similar boat and have told them so many times what I need and nothing changes. Look for a new job or accept it as a “price of admission” for this job. Cover your own a$$ by asking about deadlines and clearly communicating when meeting the deadline isn’t possible.

   3. You’re on the right track, but also . . . is today the right day for it? There are three of you, you’ve been working together for 8 years — do you know what kind of mood the other two are in on the first real workday after the holidays? Will they be open to a “go team!!!!” email that wants them to give you deadlines and project parameters, or is that a better conversation for next week?

      For me, personally, I’d want to get an email like that next week, but you know these two people really well.

   4. I would save that for a conversation with your boss, that’s not an email situation. Also, it is generally your responsibility to ask questions about things you don’t know, like deadlines and context. As a boss I would not receive this message well no matter how perfectly drafted.

      1. Yes, absolutely. You know your bosses better that we do, of course, but I would NOT want to get this email. I would immediately wonder why my associate did not come and ask me their questions, and would see that as their mistake and any attempt to shift blame would be frustrating to me. I would assess them as not ready for the responsibility they were given in the project. This isn’t fair in a sense, trust me, I get it, but I think it’s worth saying it because it might be helpful to you and might help you reassess your communication. What about something like this? I think you should have this conversation in person, too, unless they have specifically emailed you to ask about it (and even then, you’d get SUCH a better response if you talk in person). I have only ever gotten a few “apology” emails, but they basically never rub me the right way.

         Hey, I know Project before the holidays wasn’t up to our typical standard. I’m sorry I gave it to you without enough time to finalize it. I didn’t know the deadline was 12/31, and as a result, I had to rush to finish and send it to you, and I didn’t have time to do it as well as I know I can do it, or to ask you some follow up questions about the context that arose while I was working on it. Reflecting on this, I realize I need to be careful to make sure I have this information at the beginning of the project, and to communicate any questions I have when they arise. I’m planning to implement this plan moving forward. Looking forward to a great 2025.

         1. Agreed 100% with this. I view this as a prime “manage up” opportunity – and this hits the tone well for how I try to have these conversations.

      2. Agree with this!

         Also, consider bringing forward a process for review and buy in moving forward. Like a template/form? Or for you, a template with a set of questions if this happens often such as deadlines, review dates, run throughs, set up meetings etc into a project timeline.

         Yes, you should be getting those things like deadlines on every project, but the time to discuss is at the beginning of the project, not afterwards. This is a good time to establish new processes going forward.

   5. I would absolutely not put that content into writing.

      1. To put a sharper point on it: congrats, you’ve just handed them exhibit 1 in their defense of any employment litigation you may bring for any discriminatory actions they may take down the line.

         1. I don’t really understand this point, although I agree that it’s not something to discuss over email, it’s just more appropriate for a face to face.

            To keep it professional, you need to reduce this to what matters, which means any talk of blame, fault and apologies gets dropped. You are a team, and you want to get things done. Figuring out how to get them done is productive, making somebody feel bad is not. Your approach should be:
            The work wasn’t up to the standard we want, I’ve been thinking about what to do better. My plan is to get more clarity on deadlines etc. going forward.

            1. If you believe you are being terminated or disciplined for gender, race, or pregnancy issues, this sort of email is wonderful evidence for the company that you were terminated or disciplined for performance issues.

               Have the conversation! Just don’t say that you provided subpar work product on a short timeline in writing unless that is unavoidable.

            2. I think this person is saying that if at some point in the future they fire her for a discriminatory reason (race, gender, etc.) this email will support the employer’s claim that they fired her for a valid, non-discriminatory reason (incompetence).

            3. oh, thanks for explaining. I didn’t clock that but I see the logic.

         2. Yes, this.

   6. This does not sound like content that belongs in an email.

      Can you instead schedule time to debrief about the current project and include on the agenda a discussion about improvements to make to the process for next time?

   7. Are you scared you’re getting fired? Did someone yell at you in the stress of YE? If you didn’t understand the project scope or deadline you can fix that in the future by proactively asking questions / doing stuff early. If this is a pattern, I’m confused why this email is needed now. No boss wants a “go team/blame” email. If you regularly miss deadlines and project scope, learn to pin that stuff down. If you must email today, like if Hr is saying you have to send an apology or else, maybe: “Boss, please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to wrap up Project. I am sorry I misunderstood the scope and timing. During our next 1:1/in the next two weeks, I would like to chat about how I can better understand deadlines and clarify project scope in the future. I will bring a couple ideas and really value hearing what has worked for you.”

   8. Tell them specifically what you want. This email as drafted is overly apologetic but also sort of turns it around on them to come up with a solution. That would annoy me even more than the original mistake. Skip the first two sentences. Start with your “going forward” sentence and build on that with concrete suggestions. Eliminate “go team.”

   9. Don’t send this email.

      If they bring it up, address how you will do things going forward. But don’t preemptively apologize or put in writing what went wrong.

      1. +100000

      2. Completely agree with this.

   10. I wouldn’t send this email although it’s absolutely my instinct to send this kind of email. Especially if the situation was weighing on me. This sentiment, humbly admitting fault, is often helpful in personal situations and often dangerous in professional ones. Never complain and never explain has gotten me pretty far as a motto. At least until someone else is demanding answers, I’d be quiet. I don’t pretend to know your job better than you do, but a go team- how can we do better- here’s what happened email feels like a manager’s job to write. I wouldn’t want to take that on for my boss.

   11. The ego of the info hoarder manager will not take this message well at all. Unfortunately this is where you gotta manage up. I have a standard email template where I ask for deadlines etc. I’m not sure if my boss has noticed they’ve gotten the same email tens of time or not but by asking expressly in writing it makes any miscommunication not your fault.

   12. Have this discussion in person, then send a follow-up email to document the deadlines as a CYA.

   13. Do not send this email. Talk about this in person. And see if you can do it without trying to shift blame onto somebody else because that never goes well.

       Don’t even talk about being late with the project, just talk about deadlines for future projects and leave it there.

   14. This is a chat, not an email.

   15. .Don’t put anything in writing, especially something blaming yourself. It’s very easy to become the scapegoat for a major project fail this way. That negative impression can become really hard to undo

       Instead, recognize that your job isn’t just producing your part of the project but actively managing it. I’ve worked with professional PMs in my career, and the best ones are very good at asking a lot of questions to scope a project and recognizing steps needed for completion at project outset. They then use this information to create a production schedule that includes scheduling “pads” at points where a go/no-go decision or action directly affects the ability to start next steps (for example, edits or approvals from a client are needed but a couple of extra days are built in should they miss their deadline, so it doesn’t impact everyone else). Once you have this foundation, you then need to actively monitor and communicate progress with stakeholders, make adjustments to the initial schedule based on this progress, and send preemptive notification of what will be needed and when from those completing next tasks as well as reminders until the task is complete. This will help you recognize whether timing is realistic as the project progresses and eliminate the likelihood of later stakeholders having to be under an unexpected time crunch due to earlier stakeholders having run the clock too much or unanticipated delays. A lot of bosses won’t have any idea on how to settle on a deadline or whether the deadline is attainable until they see steps and timing broken down this way. All of you are having a hand in this. If I were the boss, the most meaningful thing someone could do would be to present me with their process for managing the next project (Answers to X questions with every formal project kick-off). The last thing I would want is a post-mortem of who dropped balls.

   16. This likely comes too late in the day for the purposes of OP’s message, but I wanted to add something for reflection purposes, in case she’s still looking.

       OP – you already got great advice, with enough context and examples and perspective to explain the why of the suggestions. I wanted to address something I’m picking up from your email draft. From the mix of apologizing, explaining and justifying, I’m left with this sense that you may be (legitimately) pissed off with your manager because they put you in a difficult position, and that it’s not safe to express that. And I’m not suggesting that you do! But if it is the case that you are pissed off/resentful/possibly fed with this dynamic, then I want to encourage you to reflect on the dynamic itself, separate from however you end up addressing the latest instance of it.

       If I was your grandboss, my perspective would be that your manager is failing to manage aspects of projects appropriately, and that you are trying to step into the gap to make up for his failings. I don’t know if he’s blaming you for what happened, but if he is that only makes the whole situation worse.

       Take this like the frequent messages here confirming to posters that they are in abusive relationships, which is often easier to see from the outside. The point is that you may have a bigger problem here, and that a conversation or an email is unlikely to fix it, so it may help to consider your options going forward carefully, whether you decide to stay or go.

8. Hash! It’s 2025 and I do t have enough professional winter outfits for a 3 day business trip. Plenty of jackets, but too many summer-weight soft pants.

   I’m 50ish, in a new size / shape (thank you, menopause and sedentary job and busy life), and a senior-type job.

   I’d love some longer dresses I could wear with existing lady jackets and with boots or at least tights to stay warm. Or just go to The Fold?

   1. Or grab the Southampton or Greenwich pant from Talbots and be done. Depending on your style/industry, I think dresses are so hard right now.

      1. The last time I tried pants from Talbots, I needed a curvy cut. I have big hips relative to my waist. Is either of these going to work?

         1. Not the one you are replying to, but I have tried Talbots repeatedly through the years based on recommendations here about their curvy cuts and just cannot make them work. I am a curvy pear but find Talbots to be the most frumpy version of curvy fits I have ever encountered. I don’t need to feel like a fashion icon at the office, but I also don’t want to be the poster child for matronly attire, and that is how I feel every time I try Talbots trousers. Definitely try on in-person if you can.

            1. Agreed. I much prefer curvy cuts from Ann Taylor for my body shape.

            2. I find not all Talbots curvy pants fit the same. The good thing about Talbots is their return policy. So order a few and try them. Talbots curvy pants are the only pants/jeans that fit me, but not all of their curvy styles work for me.

         2. I highly recommend Aam the Label for curvy fit pants. They are one of the few out there still making fully lined wool pants.

   2. J. Crew has the most gorgeous A-line skirt right now in camel, black, and ivory. I’d pair it with a thin sweater, boots and a blazer and that would be my uniform . . . if I weren’t trying to cut down on spending right now.

   3. Boden dresses are great, very comfortable, especially the ottoman style. And they have pockets.

      For pants, recommend Abercrombie. No, really. Check these out:
      https://www.abercrombie.com/shop/us/p/tailored-wide-leg-pants-51625331?categoryId=6570724&faceout=life&seq=44&afsource=social+proofing

      https://www.abercrombie.com/shop/us/p/curve-love-a-and-f-sloane-tailored-pant-52812271?categoryId=6570724&faceout=model&seq=14

      Even on sale these are a bit expensive, but I really like them! I bought them a bit big and then had them altered: https://www.brooksbrothers.com/the-essentials-wide-leg-trousers-in-wool-blend/WU00617.html?dwvar_WU00617_Color=NAVY

9. I apologize if this has been posted already as I haven’t read in a few weeks. I’ve heard rumors that the new administration is going to make federal employees come into the office 5 days a week. My friend has a relative high up in DC and they have been instructed to draft memos on this apparently. Has anyone else heard anything about this? Feds, if this happens, are you going to stay and ride it out?

   1. Trump often talked about it on the campaign trail. And now it’s Elon Musk’s thing as part of the Department of Government Efficiency. Google “elon musk federal employees return to work” and you’ll see articles dating from Thanksgiving to last week – it’s been all over the news in the last month. So yes, it’ll be real in some form. It’ll depend on whether you’re a collectively bargained employee, your agency, etc. Expect it to get tied up in the courts for certain groups of employees.

      1. Why would it be tied up in courts? Employers can make employees do whatever they want. If you don’t like it, leave. I sympathize, I love WFH but I don’t see how this would be a legal issue for the courts.

         1. Unions

         2. ADA for one, since it’s already been demonstrated that WFH is a reasonable accommodation insofar as the work can and was getting done.

            1. There is no way that this proposed universal policy change would not have a carve-out for established ADA accommodations for individuals.

            2. The ADA does not apply to the federal government. And the law that does apply is (in my experience) more favorable to the employer.

            3. Thanks for explaining; I didn’t realize that federal employers didn’t have to provide ADA accommodations.

            4. But the ADA also applies to private employers. If they’ve successfully forced people back to the office (and they have) why would it be any different for the government?

         3. lol have you ever heard of unions?

      2. Also expect it to run into reality. My agency has 80 seats for 500 + people….

   2. Malicious compliance. I work from home a couple of days per week because our office network is so overloaded, if I need to do anything bandwidth intensive or even have, it’s a multi-day process. In office, it’s too slow to even have the camera on for a meeting. If they want me in office, I’ll sit and drink coffee for 3 days while the file transfers or whatever.

   3. My husband has been told this could happen. It doesn’t really make much sense because his team is geographically dispersed, so even if everyone was near an office, which they are not, nobody would actually work together in person. I guess we’ll see what happens but it seems like a potentially huge disaster. I suppose the ultimate goal is to get lots of people to quit and then not rehire for many of their jobs?

      1. Yes, Republicans have been clear now and in the first term that the goal of RTO or non-sensical office relocations is to make feds quit. So, logic and practicalities are not necessarily barriers.

      2. Bingo — this is the attrition tool they will use to winnow out the federal workforce in service of their goal to reduce it. Unfortunately, this is an inefficient means to downsize. In my office, our fabulous finance/budget person will likely quit or retire if forced to come in to the office every day, and that will gum up the works for quite some time until a new hire can come on board (which will likely take months, as we anticipate a hiring freeze, too). Sigh.

   4. The rumors are rampant, but this is all the prerogative of the next administration. No one knows what will happen until the next administration is in place. I’m sure the rumors are correct, given what Trump and “DOGE” have said, but there’s no way to know for sure until Jan 21.

      I can’t imagine where the directive to draft memos has come from, unless its memos to send up the chain explaining why coming back 5 days a week isn’t feasible (many departments, including mine, downsized and now don’t have space for everyone to be in person every day). Or, memos showing historical telework (pre-pandemic, since many departments were hybrid pre-pandemic too). But, working on a memo preparing to tell staff to come in 5 days a week in putting the cart before the horse.

      1. I see this strategy in federal contractor land, too. There is a German phrase for this, translating to “preemptive obedience”. You shift policy in anticipation of an order to garner favor with the incoming leadership.

   5. I would find it hilarious if *this* is the reason feds choose to conscientiously object to working for this administration.

      1. Why? This is a dealbreaker for most people’s lifestyles at this point. You’re saying all liberal leaning Feds should quit out of principle? That’s what they *want*. Not to mention, I don’t work for Trump, I work for the people.

         1. You have to be insanely privileged for this to be a “dealbreaker for your lifestyle.”

            1. Not who you’re replying to but I’m not understanding your point. If you have a fed job and quit it either because you don’t need money or you have a better offer than yeah there’s some privilege there. I’m not sure valuing a wfh lifestyle over another benefit, perk, or condition of employment is somehow “insanely”privileged. It seems like you’re just implying they’re overreacting somehow but I’m not understanding why. Everyone is allowed to have dealbreakers in their job and it’s ok if theirs aren’t yours.

            2. I think the opposite is true. If you are lucky enough to either not have significant obligations outside of work, or an amazing support network to handle them, or the ability to throw money at the issue, then RTO mandates would just be an annoyance but not a deal breaker. If WFH has become the thing that helps you organize life and maybe not burn the candle at both ends, deal breaker it is.

            3. I mean, for a lot of people in the private sector a federal salary and federal employee lifestyle would be a “dealbreaker” for them and that’s why they don’t do the work we do. Quitting over TW is no more privileged than just never taking a fed job in the first place.

               I actually don’t love TW (and I go in more than is required), but I can see how for those with kids its life changing. We aren’t meant to see our kids for an hour or two here and there, so cutting out a commute in favor of more time with kids is a very, very valid dealbreaker. And, I don’t have kids yet, but I enjoy what TW does for my lifestyle too.

            4. It’s the opposite of privilege – many people prefer to telework because it is prohibitively expensive to live near their office. The salary for these jobs is low. Return to office can mean hours of commuting time each day, which sucks in general, but if you have kids now you’re missing what, an extra 10 hours a week with your kids. That’s a big deal.

            5. What? A lot of people moved to much lower cost of living areas because they didn’t need to commute anymore. Have you seen the DC real estate market? No one can afford a house there on a fed salary. What’s “insanely privileged” is being able to afford a house within an hour or two of DC.

            6. Pretty privileged / NIMBY-aspirational to think that you should be able to afford a house in a high density area.

      2. It doesn’t really make sense that people with fed jobs would quit whenever a new administration came in.

      3. Surely we’re all screwed if everyone in a position to do some good quits on principle?

         1. Yes. We are. I’m saying that quitting for *this* “principle” would be downright silly.

            1. Think of it as less of a principle, more of a lifestyle factor. Let’s say that like many federal workers, you could never afford a house within a reasonable distance of your office in DC. So you go further out and finally buy your first house. You’ve been working remotely for years, your agency downsized the office space, and all signs point to being able to do this indefinitely. Now suddenly you can no longer telecommute and jobs closer to home would likely pay much more.

            2. …so sell the house and buy or rent a condo closer to the office.

            3. Yeah, just majorly downgrade your life – lose your house, lose your mortgage rate, lose your daycare spot, lose your yard, make your kids change schools, etc. Not silly to care about any of those things.

         2. Yes, I had a few conversations about this with colleagues right after the election. My position, and theirs, was that at least if I’m in this job I know I’m doing it well, I’m working with integrity, and I will treat every member of the public I come across with respect and dignity. I don’t want to quit because I don’ t know if I’d a) be replaced (anticipating a hiring freeze and it’d screw over my colleagues) and b) be replaced with someone also committed to doing the job well, with integrity, and treating the public with respect and dignity.

            I can knuckle through a few sh!tty years knowing that.

   6. Many agencies had telework before Covid (often 2 days a week), and don’t have office space to fit all of their employees. Also, many of union contracts that provide for some telework.

      So, I’m doubtful that all federal employees will be back in office five days a weeks. But I expect it to largely return to how it was in 2019, with the exception of any agencies who have reduced their office space during the last five years. It will likely led to some people finding new jobs, but Trump and the GOP consider that a benefit, not a bug, of the plan.

      1. Yeah, I don’t know what my agency will do space-wise – there’s maybe space for 50% of our staff to be in on any given day. We’re also almost at our pre-COVID telework agreement (was 2 days of TW pre-COVID, now its 2 days in office…but most of us work a 4×10 schedule so it’s effectively the same). I’m sure they’ll try to bring us in 100%, which is not ideal but doable for me (I’m a 10 min bus ride to the office).

         I’m not sweating it. It is what it is. We got through working for this administration last time, I’m sure we’ll get through it again. They’ll try to make it annoying in hopes that people will quit, but I think that’s unlikely in my office.

         1. You know the federal government can rent more office space, right? There’s loads of quality commercial space available at the moment.

            It’s an inflexible approach like this that is opening the fed govt up to attack.

            1. How do you propose the agencies pay to rent that space? Congress isn’t approving additional funding for it, and it’s not in the current budget

            2. Do you know how long it takes for the contracts to be executed for new space, security to outfit the space, equipment, and the like? Many offices have requirements that aren’t super easy to just go and get a new office space.

               Also, that money needs to be appropriated from somewhere. In my too-small-for-the-staff office, we don’t even have second monitors at desks because we don’t have money for that. Not sure where we’d get the funding for a whole new office and equipment.

   7. Part of the return to the office issue is empty commercial real estate. When everyone required a desk and most required a parking space, commercial real estate rents boomed. Adjacent services also did well (coffee shops, resturants, dry cleaners serving office buildings, etc.).
      WFH allowed the Fed and businesses to reduce their commercial office space footprint. So commercial real estate owners are dealing with lower demand for office space (which lowers rent in a market economy) and lower demand from adjacent service businesses which saw
      a lot of that income transfer to businesses outside the central business districts and closer to residental districts.
      We should not be surprised to be reading articles about how bad WFH is written by (or quoting) large commercial real estate holders (Larry F*ink) since having commercial office space filled to the brim with worker bees is in their financial interest.
      When a big company or billionaire talks, always, always ask what’s in it for them (i.e. how will they profit more).

   8. How is there going to be enough office space?!?

      1. There’s not

      2. There’s not, but their belief is that there is so much inefficiency that the work could get done only with the employees there is space for (also they may not care about all of the work getting done in the first place).

      3. They can sign new leases and obtain more.

         1. And run infrastructure, and build it out. Sure seems like a huge expense in the name of “efficiency”. Oh wait, it’s never been about efficiency. Quit being so dang patronizing and just say the quiet part out loud. We’re not stupid.

            1. This. More space is in no way helping “efficiency”. It’s hoping to drive people to quit

   9. Yes, it’s been in the news for a while.

   10. So, this applies to Trump too, no? I had suspected that he will move much of his time to Florida this term.

       But he would will do what he wants regardless!

10. I need to vent a little bit about how hard it is to make/maintain friendships, acquaintance-ships, and other connections. I was friends with someone, let’s call her T, way back in middle school (twenty-five years ago). We ended up going to law school at the same time, although she was one year behind me. We kind of re-connected then. Since then, we’ve seen each other a handful of times at alumni events. A few weeks ago, my sister mentioned that she saw T at a party. I figured this was a great entrance to re-connect with T and potentially make/re-make a new friend. So I emailed her (I don’t have her personal phone number) a very friendly message and asked if she would like to meet for coffee/lunch sometime. And…nothing. No response. Not even a blowoff “I’m really busy right now, but maybe some other time.” No out-of-office reply. Just nothing. It feels so demoralizing to reach out and try to make friends and face an absolute brick wall. How do you maintain connections when people won’t even respond?

    1. I don’t take it personally. She might be going through cancer. She might have a sick parent. She might have kids. She might be grinding for partnership right now. She might just not check that email anymore. She might have spam filters.

       Assume that the non-response isn’t about you unless it’s obvious that it is, and keep trying (with other people!).

       1. Totally agree with this. I have been the person who overlooked an email like this and been mortified about it. Give her at least one more chance, for sure.

    2. I have often felt this way. “How do you maintain connections when people won’t respond”-> You don’t. I have spent many years trying to build friendships with people like this, or folks who sometimes are responsive and seem to enjoy spending time with me but won’t take the initiative or respond consistently. I have learned to focus my energy on people who return it, and I find you have to keep putting yourself out there with different people and getting non responses and moving on until you find folks who do respond and who can and want to have a two way friendship.

       1. +1 Also, it’s way easier to move on if you are building a wider social circle.

          Some people are just going to work out as lovely acquaintances instead of close friends and that’s good too.

    3. Honestly, I wish I knew. I’m lonely. They say consistently show up to some activity and when you see who you click with invite them to coffee or something. Its very hard to broaden the relationship out of the activity for me. When I lived in places where a lot of people were transplants like SoCal it was easier then in the Northeast where nobody seems to have time for a new friend.

    4. Thank you for posting this because this has happened to me more times than I can count over the last few years and it’s very demoralizing to just hear crickets. At least a blow off would acknowledge my existence. And yes, I know people can be going through things but a lot of these people are also posting constantly on social media so I’m dubious it’s strictly because of tough life circumstances, and more because people can’t be bothered to respond.

    5. Look, a lot of people already have friends. And a lot of people also don’t respond to email, it might even be in spam. It’s quite presumptuous to think that someone you kind of knew once upon a time would be all “yay, let’s be besties” in response to your message. The way you make friends is by showing up for the people you have actual connections with. Start there.

    6. The thing is just because you don’t have friends doesn’t mean the people you’re reaching out to are looking for friends.

       1. Way harsh, Tai.

          1. Yet, true.

             1. This is the truth. I missed out on the opportunity to make close friends while kids were in preschool. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances who would probably be good friends if I’d gotten into the group on the ground floor, but their dance cards were already full when I came on the scene.

             2. I don’t think the ship has sailed just because you didn’t make friends with other preschool parents. We never really connected with other daycare families, and found our people in elementary school. Covid was most likely a factor (my only child had just turned 2 in March 2020) but I also just didn’t find people at our daycare to be very open to new friendships. The daycare families were scattered geographically all over the metro area (vs elementary school, where many families live in our neighborhood) and it seemed like a lot of people already knew each other through their older kids, and since it was such a small community there wasn’t the mixing of classes and new faces every year that you get in elementary school. Plus everyone who uses daycare has two working parents, and it seemed like many people were barely staying afloat with two jobs and very young kids (+ the pandemic). I found it much easier to connect with people in elementary school since many of the moms stay home, work part time, or have flexible jobs and are out of the baby/toddler season of life and much more interested in making new friends and finding new hobbies.

             3. Where I live there are very few other working moms who are not teachers, and those that do work took time off when their kids were little. They all bonded in MOPS. By elementary school the mom friendships were already firmly cemented and no one had time for a new friend.

       2. This. You just have to keep putting yourself out there, and eventually you will find other people who are looking for friends.

          I don’t mean this in a bragging way, but I am early 40s with kids in elementary school and my bandwidth for new friends is very low. I have a solid (yet relatively small) crew of good friends and not a lot of free time, so it is hard for me to find the time or desire to meet up with old acquaintances from my past.

          1. …or not? You’re hoping other people will step up and befriend the lonely because … why?

             OP, I feel the same and don’t have much hope to offer. At this point I am just accepting that in-person friends aren’t a part of my life anymore. I lean into my marriage and my work and pour my energy into those arenas instead.

             1. I mean that is also fine. Obviously OP does not have to keep trying to reach out to potential new friends if she doesn’t want to.

             2. A lot of these commenters seem to be missing the point of being human. You weren’t supposed to wall yourself off and say: I have my piece of humanity so gtfo. We’re supposed to stay open to new people and new experiences. So to the OP, it sounds like you’re looking for better people and than many of the commenters responding to you.

    7. Honestly I wouldn’t get too upset. She probably tried to think of a polite blow off or a good date to get together and then forgot. I feel like I have to constantly remind everyone on this board that people like me, extremely imperfect people who drop realballs and genuinely forget things more important than a social email exist. I’m happily past dating but I do find that reaching out to more than one potential friendship connection at once softens the blow on these things. Reach out to a few more people to find your people. I know it’s hard, I’m doing it too.

    8. Would a bit of perspective help? “A few weeks ago” means . . . beginning to mid-December? If, this time of year, I’d gotten a “let’s get together” email from someone I rarely see, I’d probably have let it totally slide in the blur of holidays and how hard we were all running to try to get all the work done and all the holiday stuff done in those few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even now, I’m trying to figure out how to get life started again, and am a bit overwhelmed. I’m definitely not the mode to pick up a connection to someone I rarely see and turn it into an actual friendship.

       So if you’d reached out to me, I’d be begging you not to interpret it to mean you’d hit a brick wall and no one wants to be friends with you. It would merely mean that I have very little bandwidth right now, so I’m not the right person at this time.

       1. This would be me. I’d struggle to find a date to propose, table it, and then forget to respond. But I also might remember several weeks later and actually do it

       2. Yeah, the timing and approach might be the issue. I’m not great at keeping up with personal emails and this time of year I have so much on my plate. Chances are I wouldn’t see this message or mentally filed it away then forgot. It tends to work better if you text with a specific activity or date in mind. Do you want to try this new restaurant or walk through X forest preserve this month, I’m having a few people over for drinks on the 15th and would love for you to come, etc. Maybe she’d like to get together but doesn’t want to get into a long exchange about dates and activities. Or maybe she isn’t interested and there’s no polite way to respond to your open ended message so she ghosted.

    9. You’ve already gotten some good replies that I won’t repeat. Here are a few more things:
       1) Yay for reaching out! Don’t let this negative/nonresponse hamper when you want to reach out to a different person. Our loneliness increases when we wait for others to contact us first.
       2) It may not be you, but T. Consider if there are other friends you already have a stronger relationship with, but haven’t seen in a while and try to re-warm-up that friendship. It may be easier!
       3) Maybe try again with a very specific event like a Bar Association meeting or something you plan to be at anyway.

    10. You let it go. And if you run into her in the future, you are kind and professional but don’t waste your time offering a coffee or hoping she will set it up. If she does offer, have her email you or whip out your calendar that minute and put something on the calendar for either that same week or 6-8 weeks later. If she balks, say “‘maybe see you at (professional association meeting) (annual block party)!” and forget about it. If you two set a time, pick a location near you or where you want to go anyway in case she stands you up or cancels last minute. Then the week before, send a confirm. Day before, send a confirm. (If she cancels, don’t offer to reschedule. Have her do that, including the date and location.) Accept that not everyone has the bandwidth or desire to connect with others, or you specifically. You can want to be connected or a friend and they may not have time space desire or ability. That’s fine. Focus your efforts on people or groups who are responsive and receptive, and maybe even reach out affirmatively after you have set up 2-3.

        Connections and friendships take time to nurture. It took me 2 years of getting lunch or happy hour every 3 months with an attorney my vintage (at a different firm) who has very similar life circumstances before we became “friends.” Now 6 years later we are friends and go to one another’s homes for casual get togethers and share office vents. It is not impossible but for this one friend, I have tried with probably 9 others and it didn’t work out. And that’s fine. I do not have room for everyone in my life during this life season I am going through, and everyone does not have room for me.

        1. Excellent advice, Kate R!

        2. I feel like if you have lunch with someone once a month you’re friends! Maybe not besties, but I don’t see most of my friends that often, even if they’re local.

    11. Some people are terrible with email/social media/text unless it is on fire. I am aggressive with my inbox. I practice inbox “zero” and my team helps me manage it. If you aren’t a client / other party or asking about becoming a client, my assistant would have categorized that ping as “not urgent” which means she will push it in the same inbox as listserv emails and nudge a reminder to me in 60 days if I haven’t replied or told her to do something. And at that point I’d either tell my assistant “reply sorry I missed this” or “just delete.” On the opposite end of the spectrum, one of my partners has 235k items in his inbox. He doesn’t folder and can’t find anything. I could email him with every red arrow bright color font option and he would not even see it. There is a lot of variance for how people manage communications that are not actively billable or “urgent.”

        1. You don’t even handle your own email?

           1. Not the OP but I don’t, my assistant does.

    12. I would probably follow up at least one more time because like people have said, things get lost in the clutter. I sometimes see personal emails and mean to respond but forget. That being said, I’ve found it easier to have context friendships like friends I do an activity with. Most of them I see once a month or so or maybe once a quarter and that’s probably all we can manage. We may exchange texts between then but everyone is busy. Maybe also consider what your friend commitment expectations are compared to others?

    13. At one point, I went on a war path of making friends. I was on maternity leave so I had a ready supply of new moms also on leave and an online community to pick them up. I went to meet ups, scheduled coffee dates, stroller walks, sent emails and texts. I probably met 200-300 moms in total, became friendly with 20ish, and eventually became very close with 2 and good friends with 4 more. (My kid is now in middle school).

        It comes down to a numbers game. The reason it’s easier to make friends at school is not just that you see each other a lot, but also that there’s enough people around to find your people. My close friends and I don’t necessarily have much in common other than our kids but our personalities mesh so well that we just have fun hanging out.

        So just keep trying, and understand that any one outreach has only a small chance of becoming a friend, and don’t take it personally when it doesn’t work out. Personally, at this moment in time, I don’t have time right now for more friends so if someone reached out I would do my best to meet them for coffee or lunch to catch up but I would probably not reciprocate the invite. But it has nothing to do with how much I like the person.

    14. Ooooofff, I find it so painful when I feel like I’ve extended myself to reach out to someone and they don’t respond. But I will share something I’ve discovered recently, from having learned to tolerate that discomfort and also being willing to let it go when someone doesn’t reply. I recently sent the same very low stakes new year’s text to a bunch of people, and I included some who had dropped the ball like that, without worrying too much what would come of it. Two of them responded with either acknowledging they dropped the ball or expressing a desire to get together, with concrete plans (times/locations proposed).

        Not saying this will happen with your friend, but this taught me something about honoring my own disappointment in a way that doesn’t kill the relationship forever… Like before I thought it was either black or white, and now I’m emerging into this much messier space, where I have a chance to discover what’s possible with each person, while also taking care of myself.

    15. I wish I had answers. I have struggled with this for the last 10 years and am fed up with peddling a product no one wants (or what feels like it).

        I threw a low-key drop-in Christmas Party at my new place and invited about 20 people. It was mortifying that I only had about 4 of my own personal friends to invite, the rest was my husband’s list (and two of those were ‘stretch’ friends like old work buddies I hadn’t talked to in years!).

        Of those 4, 2 people pulled out last minute, even after checking in/following up and even knowing that the guest list was small and this wasn’t some kegger rager where a single person or two wouldn’t be missed. It hurt a *lot* but the frustrating part is you really can’t tell people that because then they associate you with guilt and negative feelings and don’t want to hang out anymore. But it also prevents building closer relationships because you’re biting your tongue on the hurt.

        I think people are just in a different headspace right now. They are prioritizing themselves above all else and focused on immediate family and then friends as a super distant priority.

11. Has anyone tried the Good American Always Fits line of jeans? I’m about to have my third child in the next few weeks, and I will obviously be bigger than my previous size for a while. I was wondering if 1) these jeans actually work and 2) if they are comfortable. Thanks!

    1. I’m also curious! This has been following me around insta.

       1. I just looked at it more closely. I’m disappointed that the sizes are 6-12 and 14-18 plus. I need like a 10-14. Being midsize is hard.

    2. Yes, I have! They do work, though I think one’s experience of them depends on one’s sizing within the range. I tend to be a size 6 normally, sometimes swing down to 4 or up to 8, and wanted jeans that look normal but feel closer to leggings/sweatpants. The 6-12 pair fit me fine and were very comfortable, but I think I would have liked them even more if I were a size 8-10. I ended up returning them for a few reasons… I purchased multiple pairs from the brand and planned to send back at least one. Also, I got the Always Fits in a kick crop style and the bottom/base of the leg was too wide compared with my upper leg size, so it looked a little silly. I actually plan to purchase the Always Fits Good Curve Straight Jeans in 6-12 next time I am ready to purchase another pair of jeans.

       1. Ooh, thanks for the intel! I was an 8 pre-pregnancy. So, I think it might be the perfect fit.

12. In October I purchased a pair of black leather Duchess boots from Thursday Boot Co after seeing a suggestion on here… I like the style, but the boots STINK! They smell very strongly of leather and faintly of manure. I can smell them when I sit at my desk or when I’m walking around. The smell transfers to my hands when I touch the boots. I have tried a few things, like wiping them clean, polishing them, leaving them outside for a few days, and the smell endures. What gives? I own several pairs of boots and I’ve never had this problem before.

    1. If my bots smelled like manure, I’d return them. Or at least try for a replacement.

13. I have been offline for the past couple of weeks so please forgive me if this has been discussed. I want to do a low-spend 2025, but I know myself and I need bright-line rules or I’ll figure out a way to justify $180 eye cream and post-Christmas cashmere (but it’s on SALE!) despite it all. Does anyone have any ideas for barriers/guidelines I can implement?

    1. I’m doing the same. Considering giving myself a budget of something like $300/month on “whatever” category spending, but included in that I have to add in the apps I subscribe to (like news and fitness apps) and the purchases I’m always making that are justified by their “essential” nature… like makeup and skincare. That would leave me with a much lower budget but I can do whatever I want with it.

    2. I have a note on my phone and every time I have the impulse to buy something (other than routine necessities) I add the item and the cost to the note. At the end of the month I review the note and see if there’s anything I truly need and let myself purchase up to $x. But often I don’t really want the items that bad and I feel good tallying up the savings.

       1. Oh, I love the idea of adding the cost and then tallying up the savings! I have a few notes on my phone where I track my material wishes. “Wishlist” of things for myself with random items like a posture correcting bra or a board game or a second pair of my favorite shorts. Another note is for non-essential household purchases I want to make (picture frame for X wall, new lamp for X room), and I have another list of items for things my family members need or want. These notes serve to clear the mental space that thinking about “stuff” takes up for me – I was often hitting “checkout” on my online carts just to get the task checked off my list. Now, I’m building a list of random things I’d be happy to be gifted or that I can purchase in a few months, and I have a list of things my kids need too. I still sometimes just randomly buy stuff but that’s part of the reason I have this goal for 2025…

          1. LOL the $180 Forme bra – it haunts my socials and I want it too!

             1. The very one!!!

    3. The trick is to make rules as specific as possible to your life. Really think through it and include exceptions (for example, gifts up to x amount, new bathing suit for trip). YouTube is a great resource for this — tons of fun videos.

       I’m doing a no buy January and my rules are:

       – No clothes, makeup, skincare (except replacements of essentials), beauty treatments (except a scheduled haircut), home items, candles, books, food delivery

       – Yes to coffee out once per weekend, one restaurant meal per week, movie tickets, and obviously essentials like groceries, bills, and healthcare needs

    4. Here are some of my “rules” to reduce spending –
       – For makeup and beauty products, I can only purchase a new item when out of my previous version of that item. (I do allow myself to throw or give away products that really don’t work for me.) So, maybe you can justify $180 for an amazing eye cream, but only if you’re literally out of eye cream or are willing to throw out all previously purchased eye creams. The key is, you’re not going to be constantly talked into buying different $180 eye creams.
       – Sales do not drive clothing purchases. The only exceptions are undergarments and workout clothes that I already know I like, in which case I’ll wait for a sale to replace them with the same item or a similar item from the same brand. Otherwise, when I want or need a new item, I purchase exactly what I want within my budget, whether it’s on sale or not. This has reduced my spending significantly because I only shop when I need something, and only for the specific item I need. (If I chose something from a store like Ann Taylor with very regular sales as part of its business model, I’d probably wait a few days for the next sale, but I don’t let sales drive me to a purchase.)
       – I deleted social media apps from my phone. I wasn’t even purchasing from social media apps, but all the ads and sponsored content put me in a consumer mindset, and I’d buy stuff online. Now I try to read or even watch Netflix instead of scrolling on my phone.
       – If I don’t need something immediately, I add it to a list to delay purchasing. At least half the time, I end up not buying it.

    5. Consider a “low buy” by setting monthly limits along with a set of rules, like if you don’t use up your limit, it carries over. There are some great YouTube videos on this approach (am doing the same thing myself!).

    6. I’ve been on like a 4 year ‘low buy’
       – Beauty, make up and skincare is strictly one in one out, I can’t purchase a new one until the other one is almost gone, I do buy shampoo by the gallon to refill a smaller shower bottle.
       – No new clothes, I really just don’t think my impulse purchases are worth the human cost of forced labour (I’m not perfect I used to be a mall junkie and prioritized dopamine!) Now I exclusively thrift/thread up/depop and sew. I’m fine with my own labour being used, lol.
       – One in one out for accessories and shoes

    7. I’m doing a no/low spend six months. I have a weekly grocery/gas budget and $100/month for “fun” money, which I can use for anything I want, from coffee to shopping to plans with friends. I also give myself the freedom to add any unspent grocery money to increase either the next week’s budget or my fun money.
       I did a one-month attempt last May and that helped me come up with my guidelines (ie, I found that I didn’t need as much as I thought for weekly groceries, but the $60 I’d given myself for fun money, went much more quickly than I anticipated). If you can, I would highly recommend to give yourself a trial month and then readjust based on your experience and what seems reasonable for you.
       Other things that help me: having a plan for low/no cost activities that I enjoy (eg, hiking, a reading goal, at-home fitness plan); meal planning in two-week cycles; and having a few activities lined up to look forward to (ie, a Broadway show in February and a concert in May, both of which were paid for in 2024).
       I also have plans for the money I’m saving, including both a debt payoff goal and a travel goal for 2026. Keeping track of progress toward those goals is a huge motivator.

    8. Remove credit card info and linked bank accounts from every single website. The effort to find my info and enter it gives me time to pause and reflect on why I am considering the purchase.

14. Tv show recommendations wanted!

    Shows I love: Succession, The Diplomat, Patriot (Amazon prime)

    Shows I didn’t love: Suits, Emily in Paris, Ted Lasso (too sappy)

    Thanks for all suggestions!

    1. I am enjoying Borgen, but in the original Danish with English subtitles. The English dubbing is really annoying.

    2. Landman on Paramount

    3. The Americans

       1. 100% this if you have not seen it!

          1. Yes it’s the best best best!

    4. The Madness with Colman Domingo on Netflix

       1. That show was a wild ride!

    5. Slow Horses

       1. Gary Oldman steals that show! Love him

    6. Slow Horses, Silo, The Old Man, Shrinking

    7. Kind of trashy but Anna Torv (who I adore) is in Territory on Netflix. She’s also in a really good Australian political drama called Secret City, also recommend.

       If you liked Succession, you’d probably like Industry. I was pretty “meh” on The Diplomat, but Rufus Sewell is incredible in The Man in the High Castle (on Amazon Prime).

    8. The Night Agent was good and it’s getting a second season soon.

       1. Black Doves is also a good thriller with a 2nd season coming

    9. The Diplomat is one of my current favorites, and I watched it because Keri Russell was excellent in The Americans. Two German shows that I really enjoy are Deutschland 83/86/89 and Kleo (two seasons on Netflix). They both are about East German spies and are a fun trip down memory lane for those of us who remember the 80s and 90s with fantastic soundtracks!

    10. The Agency
        The Recruit (somewhat realistic/comic show about a CIA attorney)

        (Hmm, I’m sensing a theme here . . . )

    11. If you don’t mind a sort of…Euphoria vibe (meaning all sorts of racy activities portrayed) Industry is a very overlooked but excellent show that is set in the world of high finance.
        I also loved ZeroZeroZero (a limited series) that follows a single dr*g shipment through three different parts. It’s gritty and intense and absolutely gorgeous.

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