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Comments 442 Comments

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Ribbed Mock-Neck Sweater

A woman wearing a black turtleneck ribbed sweater and denim pants with black belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love the lines on this ribbed mock-neck sweater from BR Factory. It’s 100% cotton, which is a huge plus for folks who can’t stand the feeling of wool or cashmere, and the reviews note that it runs a bit long, which might be a welcome reprieve if you’re getting tired of the cropped look.

I would wear this tucked into a midi skirt for an autumnal business casual outfit. 

The sweater is $50 at Banana Republic Factory and comes in sizes XXS-XXL; you can take an extra 20% off today. It also comes in “snow day” and “deep highland purple.” 

Sales of note for 12.5

442 Comments

  1. For those of you on HRT, at what age did you start? I am mid 30s and have some annoying symptoms of peri (mainly insomnia during ovulation time and around my period) and debating whether it is worth going to a hormone specialist and see if HRT may make sense.

    1. Was on low dose BCPs for irregular / constant bleeding starting at 46; formal HRT at 53. No issues.

    2. I’m almost 40 and I think I’m starting to experience symptoms as well!! I didn’t think it started so early. Did you do any blood tests to figure out your hormones?

    3. Mid-40s. N of 1, but I also have lots of friends going thru this, so lots of anecdata. HRT is an art, not a science. It takes a bit to get it sorted out as it’s very individual. For some people, it can really help, but just know that most of what it helps with is sleep and hot flashes. It doesn’t really solve weight gain and some people gain weight. People talk like it’s a miracle drug. It’s not that though IME.

    4. I am 52, and have been on it for about 6 months. Lifechanging. I went off the pill on my PCP’s advice at 51 after literally 30 years on it, and was completely fine (no periods, no hot flashes, no crazy moods, etc.) for 6 months, and then all hell broke loose. PCP was useless (despite being part of an expensive concierge practice where I got a lot of time w/ Dr. and was very clear about my symptoms). I finally contacted one of those online providers, who set me up with estrogen patch and progesterone scrip, and I am now back to myself.

      That said, at your age, unless you are in actual early menopause, getting HRT will be a struggle. BUT, almost any doctor will prescribe you a birth control pill, which does the same things in terms of evening out hormone levels which will probably help with your symptoms. You might need to try a couple different pills to get the right one, but it will be WAY easier than getting someone to prescribe HRT to you.

      1. This is my experience re BCPs being a good option and no one looks at you funny or gatekeeps.

        1. +1 this is what I did; low dose BC until about 54, then HRT. I will add though, neither of these have been “life changing” for me. They do help manage the peri/meno symptoms but not to a great degree.

          2. I was at the point where sleep deprivation due to hot flashes, if nothing else, was making it almost impossible to do my job. Now I sleep fine, and can remember things I need to remember, and I don’t cry for no reason at the office. So, lifechanging for me. Perhaps someone who could afford to lose their job would not need that help.

      2. Isn’t BCP basically the opposite of HRT? Lowering hormone levels so we’re trying to get by with low estrogen and no real progesterone? I don’t want my hormones evened out, I want to stop suffering from low hormone levels.

        1. The dose you get from HRT is WAY lower than what you would get from even low dose birth control pills, so if you’re looking for more hormones, BC, not HRT is what you want. HRT provides just enough hormones to keep hot flashes (officially) and other symptoms (unofficially) in check, but BC pills have enough to control/override your natural cycles. (At least as I understand it. Not a doctor, but have a lifetime of BC and now HRT anecdata).

    5. For insomnia, can I recommend the Whole Foods 360 brand melotonin. It’s 2.5mg and chewable so it hits right away. I usually take 2 when I’m ready to sleep and then if I’m tossing and turning I take another 2.5. 10 mg is max but I’ve never gotten there

    6. 43-ish. I love it. It really turned around some very challenging symptoms I had. I wish I’d done it earlier, but I was in denial about what was going on because I still had a regular period. If you can, find a doc in the NAMS list, and be *very* up front “I want HRT, I do not want to try other solutions first only for them to fail and us be at square 1 months from now.” which is what I said. A LOT of docs will focus on weight loss (sigh), exercise, diet, and other lifestyle changes because there’s a lot of misinformation out there about HRT. Also “testing hormones” isn’t really a thing from my understanding because your hormones fluctuate from day to day, there’s no one baseline and unless they are hugely out of whack, that information isn’t going to help.

      1. Agree with you on testing hormones. Everything I’ve read indicates that it’s probably a waste of time. Symptom management, whether through BCP or HRT, is probably the better way to go.

    7. They’ll typically give you birth control as a first treatment in peri, especially mid 30’s – so it should be pretty easy to get. You can also try taking magnesium glycinate before bed.

      1. Different BCs have different effects. I was on a nursing compatible one and having heavy periods/multiple nights of insomnia then switched to a different option. I’ve had very mild periods and better sleep just with a new BC option at 41, postpartum.

    9. I started at 45 but probably should have started earlier. That’s really just lack of awareness about what perimenopause is like. That being said, I also couldn’t take BCP but HRT is fine because the hormones are lower dose. So while BCP are what a lot of doctors will offer, HRT should make sense at an earlier age. It’s actually pretty dumb that we willingly hand out higher level of hormones willingly but make women jump through hoops for HRT.

    10. 50 yo, went on HRT earlier this year when I was 49. It was a life-changer for me. Hot flashes had been disrupting my life for months, and worst of all waking me up in the middle of the night. Those are almost completely gone now. Some other symptoms (e.g., brain fog, joint aches) have improved but are still there.
      Once it hit me that all my issues were perimenopause and not me going crazy/dying : ), I found a menopause-focused group in my area, including NAMS-listed docs, but then had to wait 9 months (!!!) to get an appointment. In the meantime, I used one of the online providers (Midi Health) to get me started on HRT much more quickly. I had a good experience with Midi overall, but really wanted to have an in-person doctor for this, and to see the same doctor every time (which wasn’t happening for me with Midi). The appointment with the menopause-focused group final;ly happened this week and I was able to talk with a doctor for 45 minutes. I canNOT remember the last time I had such an extensive conversation with a doctor! I am looking into switching to the Mirena IUD for my progesterone and am going to try testosterone for libido issues.
      This is all to say, it is absolutely worth it to get treatment, it may take some time to determine the combination of treatments that work for you, and it is important to find a provider (in person or online) who will listen to you and hear you it. Wishing you good luck!

  2. Does anyone have a recommendation for a pearl station bracelet that is easy to clasp and unclasp? I live alone, so bracelets are tricky!

    I’d also be open to a crystal / clear gem stone (I like the look of diamond, but that’s not the budget!) one if you have a rec for that instead of pearl!

    1. Magnet clasp extender is my answer. Though I just saw a reel that used a hair pin as a hack.

    2. If you find a bracelet you really like you can get a jeweler to change the clasp. I’ve done this for several bracelets and necklaces for the same reason or just because I don’t like the clasp it came with.

    3. I don’t have a recommendation for a bracelet, but I do have a recommendation for clasping the bracelet. I use a piece of tape to hold one side of the bracelet on my wrist while I used my other hand to work the clasp. I keep the tape roll in my jewelry box.

  3. I’ve thought of a positive of the election outcome- tax payer dollars won’t be wasted on frivolous accusations about how voting machines were rigged

    1. I laughed, but I know the cases that are coming in instead will be heartbreaking. I’m still scarred from the Immigration cases I saw during the Reagan Administration. I can’t imagine how much worse they are going to be with an increasingly large proportion of the cases going to Trump appointees.

      1. Honestly, maybe this is a callous thing to say but considering the number of immigrants and people whose loved ones would be affected by his immigration policies voted for him, I feel very liberated from caring about this as much as I did last time.

      1. My cynical side would not be at all surprised if future historians unearthed irrefutable evidence that this election was rigged for Trump.

        1. it was rigged in the sense Elon Musk used the twitter platform to push Trump, and by the media (NYT! Wapo) in ignoring and “sanewashing” Trump. I don’t think votes were tampered with, but the culpability is there.

          2. Many years ago my cousin proclaimed to anybody who would listen that Richard Nixon had rigged the 1971 (landslide) election. My dad replied, “yeah, he rigged it by getting everybody to vote for him!”

            But yeah, I agree with Anon at 10:04 that these tactics would have been considered “rigging” in the pre-Citizens United era, for sure!

        2. Me either. I usually don’t wander into tinfoil hat territory, but I have one set aside for election interference by or on behalf of Trump.

        3. Lots of bomb threats called into majority blue precincts, probably by Russian actors.

          That is something real that seriously needs to be looked into – foreign interference in our elections by Russia, Iran, North Korea. It’s not really “rigging” but does have an effect.

          1. I think no “probably” about it. Republican election officials in Georgia said Russia was the source. That said, I don’t think it changed the outcome, but it’s terrifying and shouldn’t just be ignored.

        5. The disenfranchisement of voters of color is a real thing. Like , someone here posted the other day that she had to wait three hours to do early voting because the state she lives in gave the same number of voting machines to each county, regardless of the population of the county. She lived in the city, and that county has a higher population of and potential voters leaning democrat, as cities often do. So state officials/politicians did all they could to make sure those residents couldn’t vote as easily as the more republican leaning voters in rural counties.

          This is happening all over, in red states in particular. It happened to my sister in Texas. Is that how those states stay red?

          1. I’m a liberal in Texas and am as disappointed as anyone with the vote last Tuesday, but in fairness to Texas, in 2024 Texas did have 12 days of early voting including a Saturday and Sunday where you could vote at any polling location in your county. In Dallas I know personally there were tons and tons of locations.

          2. Yes. To combat blatant intimidation, one must strategically schedule to ensure access. Whilst other counties…….nvm.

    3. I am 30 and recently single and was stressing about my biological clock and the timing of “starting over”. I decided that I won’t be TTC for the next 4 years, so that has taken a lot of pressure off of me – I can start dating again on my own timeline and have fun with it and not feel the pressure to settle down.

      And my IUD is good for another 6 years :)

      1. I’m 36, live in Texas, and we have always been on the fence and trending no on kids, but I have a lot of feelings about getting older and not having the time that men have to make that decision (my dad was 44 when I was born). I’m now also terrified of getting pregnant given everything going on here. It occurred to me that a dark silver lining of the current situation is that I may be too old to easily get pregnant anyway. Sigh.

        1. I wouldn’t count on you not being able to easily get pregnant at age 36. That really varies by person. If you don’t want to be pregnant, be very, very careful about birth control.

          I say this as someone who accidentally got pregnant at age 37. My son is the best thing to ever happen to me, but he certainly wasn’t planned.

        2. I got pregnant at 39 (we were trying but it was only the second month of timing things right) more easily than some friends I knew who were trying in their early 30s. You never know your fertility until you actually check it out, so I echo Anon above to be careful. And huge hugs to you. This sucks.

    4. I encourage everyone, regardless of what side of the aisle they are in, to understand what the other side is doing.

      After the consent decree ended in 2018, the GOP was finally able to coordinate poll watching and Election Day attorneys on a national scale. They didn’t do so in 2020.

      That all changed this year. They got 500+ attorneys to poll watch in every swing state, and a quarter million people to work the polls nationwide.

      Those attorneys were required to stay on until the counting was completed. They shifted attorneys to areas that needed it in real time (eg, you’re done with everything at 8 pm, go to this city, relieve the people on duty, and they will get some sleep them come back at it around 3 am).

      They still have attorneys on the ground in the states that aren’t done counting.

      So yeah, fewer claims of fraud, and it didn’t hurt that election officials didn’t kick out the Republican observers, unlike in 2020.

      Come at me – I don’t care. 73 million people also don’t care.

      1. I’m open to the possibility that the 2020 election was shady and that there wouldn’t be evidence if people covered their tracks successfully. What I don’t understand is why: Who would have worked that hard and what for? Dems would probably be better off right now if they’d lost then!

      2. I’m so saddened you are supposedly an attorney but don’t believe the 2020 election was fair. Our schools are failing us and we need checks and balances for news media.

      3. So were the elections in which Democrats won rigged and the ones that republicans won were fair? Often this happened on the same ballot.

      4. This is also insane. We are in a phase where the White House is just going to swing back and forth between red and blue. Use some common sense and be grateful the democrats actually accept a loss and restored democracy.

        2. Actually? I agree with you. People were pissed off about COVID in 2020 and threw the republican president out. Now they’re pissed about inflation and threw the democrats out. This is typical response to frustration, and since we are really only a small percentage of votes apart, I expect it to keep happening.

      5. This was extensively investigated by your own party and no evidence was found to support a finding of fraud. Move on.

      6. So, to be clear, are you trying to say that the presence of republican poll watchers prevented “fraud” from occurring?

  4. I’ve heard Sally Rooney recommended as an author here and I’m curious. I tend towards Tana French and some more dispassionate writing—nothing too intimate. Would I like her stuff? The Barnes and noble synopsises have me worried about too much emotional intimacy.

    Thinking back to some insights we’ve discussed here—I’m more of a rage cleaner than a talking through problems with friends over coffee type. I think my literary preferences speak to that. Would love recommendations.

    1. No. I really like both authors, so I’m not sure I have good recs, but Sally Rooney is definitely not what you’re looking for.

      1. Oh I don’t know. I think it’s a very Irish style of writing, with serious subjects covered with ironic detachment. It’s always worth 50 pages.

    2. I like a wide variety of books and I cannot stand Sally Rooney – Normal People was a rare DNF for me.

      1. I can’t stand her so much that I made a rule in my Gmail (I get a lot of publishing content) to send anything with her name in it straight to Trash. It’s the overhyping more than anything.

        If you like contemporary Irish fiction, try John Banville.

    3. Well, Sally Rooney books are all about people and relationships and their problems. So yes, emotional intimacy.

    4. You either love or hate Sally Rooney. I love her style, but it is very relationship driven and the plot doesn’t advance too quickly. Maybe not for you.

      1. I can’t read Sally Rooney because she doesn’t use quotation marks. It’s so pretentious and unnecessary.

        1. I couldn’t get into the last Tana French book I started because it was all written in present tense. She’s such a good writer, but I’d sooner pay for a conventional past tense edit than get used to this convention.

        3. Have you tried The Bee Sting? There’s one section of like 200 pages that doesn’t use punctuation of any kind. It’s quite a choice…

    5. I wonder if you’d like The Lemon, by S.E. Boyd? Dark humor, and parts are set in Belfast.

    6. Idk in real life I’m someone who does not talk about my feelings and is very emotionally detached, and both Tana French and Sally Rooney are some of my favorite authors. I’d read the sample on Am@zon for Normal People and see what you think. Agree with the other poster who said you either love or hate Rooney.

      1. Oh wow. Thank you for this recommendation. I’ll pass. The lack of quotation marks doesn’t bother me so much as the writing style, generally. I appreciate the thoughtful comments.

    7. I love Tana French. I liked Normal People a lot, but then I felt like I was reading the same book over and over with each subsequent Sally Rooney novel. I do think Sally Rooney has that kind of detached, dispassionate writing style that’s similar to Tana French, but there’s more emotional intimacy in the subject matter.

      If you want to try out more Irish authors with that sort of detached writing style, I recommend The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donoghue and Brooklyn by Colm Toibin.

      1. She supports economic divestiture from Israel, which is not the same thing. I’m so tired of hearing “antisemitism” when there is any legitimate criticism of the Israeli state.

        2. Thank you! And also, being against the genocide of Palestinians does not make you antisemitic.

    9. I don’t admit this in polite company, but I find Sally Rooney’s writing really underwhelming. I read a lot and even like books that are focused on interpersonal squabbles, so it’s not her subject matter. She doesn’t have insights that add dimension to the events she describes.

      1. I said above that I love her books, but I also agree with this. If you’re looking for insights or a novel you can really chew on, they aren’t that. I don’t even really care for her characters that much, as they are pretty selfish (Connell in NP aside, I liked him). But there’s something about her writing style that feels soothing to me. I like the process of reading it, instead of wanting to rush through it or know what happens or take awake some lesson. It’s hard to describe.

    10. I say give it a shot. You can DNF if you’re not enjoying it.
      FWIW authors are rarely all or nothing for me and Rooney is no exception. I absolutely loved Normal People, hated Conversations with Friends and was pretty neutral on her third book. So for me it’s very book-dependent.

  5. I’m a federal government lawyer and the election has me reevaluating a lot of things, including making a career change. I’m single, no kids, but live in DC so still need to make decent money. If you were changing careers what career might you realistically move into? Part of me dreams of starting some kind of online creative business but that’s not really realistic. Curious what others have thought about doing!

      1. That’s such a huge difference. What if OP doesn’t like bodily fluids to start with. Curious why that was your first rec?

        1. Nursing is so flexible and there are so many pathways and ways to advance. Dermatology NP, case management, gerontology. RNs have a lot of science and often quickly get into management vs doing direct patient care if they want.

          1. The NP market is oversaturated. Many go back to bedside to make more money. And to be a safe, effective NP you really need years of clinical experience before NP school.

        2. I think nursing can be portable, reasonably lucrative, and in demand, depending on your qualifications. Since OP doesn’t seem tied down w/ family, etc. she might really enjoy travel nursing.

        3. I thought seriously about doing this in 2020 and kind of regret not doing it. Can be lucrative, tons of options, very flexible. My SIL clears about 330k as a CRNA.

          3. My wife is a second career CRNA and is going to make $250k this year working 24 hrs a week in the Northeast.

            It’s honestly a magical career. Zero of the charting, admin, EPIC bullshit that makes my doc friends hate their jobs.

      2. Similarly but with no bodily fluids, maybe get a master’s degree in psychotherapy and hang out your shingle? I started a program some years and still kind of regret not finishing so I could practice now that I’m retired.

    2. My plan is to stay, and try to make it through the administration. I know that I will treat the public that i work with (a vulnerable population) with dignity and respect and I’ll work hard to ensure the best outcomes for them, even if programs are cut and we have to get creative. I know if I leave I’ll likely be replaced by someone who won’t do that…

      If I get fired, I’d look for similar work in the state or local government or at an NGO – I’ve previously worked in my city’s and state’s governments, so I have a lot of connections. One already asked me yesterday if I want to come back and she’ll find me a position. However, I bet that those offices will all lose funding too.

      I currently work on the domestic side of things, but I worked on the international side of my field for the first few years of my career, so if domestic offices lose funding I would probably try to pivot to an INGO since the funding there is more diversified.

      If my entire field collapses (unlikely), I would pivot to teaching. Teaching has always been my “backup” career field. I know a LOT of teachers, so I’m well aware of the downsides in the field. Many of my local teacher friends and relatives work at private schools, so I have in’s at several local private schools so I could avoid any political pressures / fall out from what happens with the Department of Education. That would also allow me to get hired without a teaching cert and get it during my employment. I’d move back in with family as well to save money while taking the pay cut.

      Finally, if I’m laid off I know I’d get some sort of part time job literally the next day to ensure there’s still some money coming in – bartending, retail, babysitting, whatever I need to do.

      I recognize that these backup plans require the economy not totally collapsing and there sitlll being some jobs available, just not ones in my field. However, while I am dreading this administration, I also don’t think it’ll be total collapse and my planning assumptions will be fine. In fact, I’d see a shift to more people putting their kids in private school to avoid the politicization of public school. The wealthy will still be wealthy and so can afford tuition. While public school teachers may flock to private schools too, I grew up in the local prep school world and frankly, I trust my connections to pull through and I have experience that I know the schools value.

    3. I wonder if you’d like working with a vendor supplying AI tools in your legal subject area. The vendors need subject matter expert attorneys to evaluate the answers the tools generate. (As an example of what I mean, look at BlueJ Legal, which I emphasize I’m not endorsing.)
      Good luck!

      1. Those jobs have such little security, I can’t see them being a good match for anyone who used to work in government. Being in a field (tech) where the ground can disappear from under your feet at any moment is especially hard when you are a single woman.

      2. I have a friend who does this. She loves it. She has a bubbly personality and a ton of energy. She loves talking to people and traveling and networking. She also has two small kids at home and a supportive husband. Idk how she does it frankly but she does and she’s great at it. I’m not sure how lumpy the income is, but I know they have quotas they’re expected to meet. At the right shop, the quotas are reasonable; at the wrong shop… well. I think this is a great option for someone with the right personality and who has enough savings to float them through down months in their commission.

    4. Long time fed here and administrations come and go. I don’t work for them. I work for the people.

      1. This is my approach too. My duty and obligation remains to the people.

        Besides, if the politicals are as bad as we expect them to be, we’ll need the regular employees to stay and keep up the good work.

      2. I was living abroad (international development in a very unstable country) during the first trump presidency, and we needed the embassy stay staffed and functional. And it was – it can’t have been easy, but I was both impressed and grateful to the federal employees who stayed. If you feel like you can, please do.

    5. Do you have to stay in the states? If not I’d go for a job at the UN or a UN body/agency, a lot of the general jobs pay awful but the SME and legal ones don’t pay too bad. It’s my dream, but I have a partner and can’t just up and move.

      1. If you think getting through the USAJobs door is tough, UN hiring is even tougher, especially as an American. They have a lot of short duration consultancies, but a FT job is not easy to come by…

        1. While I would say the hiring process is certainly a lot, at least for the technical roles I was being considered for it was entirely merit based.

      1. Woot woot from an actuary. But be honest with yourself about the actuarial exams. It will be like taking the bar exam twice a year for a minimum of five years.

    7. I have a couple of attorney friends who got sick of it and started creative type businesses. It helps to have a rich husband, because those businesses don’t actually make any money. I’m sure you don’t like what I just said, but it’s the truth.

      Another attorney friend, this one without a rich husband, went back to school and became marriage and family therapist. I think she loves her work, but she lived in a shitty apartment until she was in her late 50s. Then her last remaining parent finally died, and she inherited half the estate and now has an easier lifestyle. Once again, it helps when someone else comes along to pay the bills.

      If you really want to make a little more money, look into being an in house claims attorney for an insurance company, or even a claim adjuster on complex claims involving complicated litigation. But it really depends on what kind of work you do now and what your expertise is.

    9. Well, I’m older than you and considering a career change so I can get better health insurance.
      I would kill for your amazing benefits – health care and retirement.

      So I would coast at your job until you have retirement locked in, including that sweet government health care retiree plan on top of traditional Medicare. And then maybe “retire” early and start a fun job.

      If you are too young to appreciate what I am saying, you are very lucky. And our luck can change any day in an instant. And if you are single/no kids with aging, you alone need to take care of yourself in retirement.

    10. In your shoes I’d start an Etsy shop and see where it goes. It probably won’t take off but youll have a creative outlet, you’ll get to cover the cost of your creative hobby, and maybe you make a little extra spending money. If you hate it then you haven’t really lost anything.

    11. What do you like to do? Start there. I really like big picture thinking, so my plan B has been business school or strategy development roles. My Plan C would be to move to a Caribbean nation and bartend.

    12. Join the Maryland Attorney General’s office. There are many different areas of practice, hybrid schedule is available and the politics are blue-state steady.

    13. I do nonprofit policy work at a progressive org in dc. Not a lawyer but a policy expert. Nonprofits are a good consideration depending on your skills.

    14. Law firms in DC or going in-house are really the only way to make “decent money” as a lawyer in DC, if lobbying or government relations for a private firm are out of the question.

  6. Has anyone worked in proposal management, or worked in a role where writing RFPs was a significant part of the job? I was approached by a recruiter for a position because of my writing experience. It’s a new field for me and I’m really intrigued by what I know so far. After doing some googling, I’m seeing a lot of horror stories about having to meet insane deadlines, burnout, turnover, etc.

    1. I do this as a part of my job – specifically releasing RFP’s which a lot of big players respond to. My teams also evaluate a lot of submissions. If this job is what I’m thinking (replying to government issued RFP’s), the #1 piece of advice I would give you is start with an outline where you bullet out every single requirement/request that is in the posting.

      Remember that people have to read this and evaluate it, so you don’t need to be flowery with wording. Clear bullets can be better than paragraphs. I think I’d enjoy it, but the workplace questions come down to ‘what is the culture of the organization you’ll be working for’.

    2. Writing proposals is part of my job and it’s also probably the worst part. I don’t mind coming up with creative ideas for addressing an RFP, but the turnarounds can be totally insane and it can also drive you crazy just bullsh*tting all the time. I would never ever want to do it full-time – I don’t thrive on faux emergencies.

      1. Same. The turnaround time is often absurd – very much rush-to-wait as the client takes longer than stated to evaluate all the proposals. The process of pulling together all the ideas, information and data you need from within the organization can be painful (or it can be quite smooth, depending on the organization, but honestly more painful than not). I would not want to do this full-time, but it can be very satisfying and rewarding for someone with the right temperament.

        1. And heaven help you if you’re working with an uptight prime contractor – we just had to submit budget information “ASAP!!!” for a proposal that wasn’t due for three more weeks.

    3. We did lots of RFP responses. You have to have mad attention to detail, multitasking skills and great people skills. You have to work on short deadlines and every project asks for different information, different formatting, etc. You have to get information and input from a bunch of stakeholders, figure out who has final edit, and be able drag people into rooms to get them to focus on making group decisions.

    4. oh man, you could not pay me enough. It’s always herding cats on ever-changing timelines. Sometimes there’s a delay because the client didn’t issue responses to FAQs until a day before the prior deadline, but that means the SMEs who would otherwise have two weeks to get you info are out of office and won’t get you their part until the day before for you to polish, etc.

    5. Thanks all for your responses and for confirming some of my fears. Parts of the role would suit me well (technical writing, attention to detail, systematic processes, etc). But “faux emergencies” and rushing to wait would drive me nuts, so idk if it’s the right role for me. I had an informal interview with the recruiter and she assured me that needing to work outside of normal business hours to meet deadlines is rare, but who knows if she’s being truthful. It would be a significant pay bump which is what tempts me.

      If I move on to the next stage of the process I’ll keep all this in mind!

    6. Are you talking about writing RFPs or writing the proposals in response? Those are two very different jobs.

      As someone who writes a lot of proposals, I will just say that a well-crafted RFP is rarity that is much appreciated.

    7. I work on proposals sometimes, but not 100%. There are big deadlines which you absolutely must meet, so if that doesn’t appeal to you maybe don’t do it.

    8. I did this for several years at the beginning of my career and you would have to pay me a fortune to do it again. I didn’t mind the writing part, but the hurry up and wait drove me crazy. Also getting blamed for the loss is not uncommon even when it has nothing to do with your work.

      1. +1. I work next to some grant writers who respond to RFPs, and it looks miserable. No thank you.

  7. Which Quince sweater is the dupe for the Jenny Kayne oversized one? Ready to pull the trigger with it getting colder…

    1. I own both the Jenni Kayne and the Quince sweater. On Quince it’s called “Mongolian Cashmere Fisherman Crewneck Sweater.”

      Not that you asked, but in case you or anyone else is wondering, the cut is nearly identical on them– Quince is maybe an inch longer, and very slightly narrower, otherwise even the stitching looks the same. That said, Quince pilled a lot from the very beginning, and while the cashmere is very soft, it stretches out very easily–e.g. the sleeves don’t stay pushed up. It just looks kind of shabby after a few wears. Since I bought the Jenni Kayne, ($150 NWOT on Ebay!) I haven’t worn the Quince version once. I’ve shown people photos of me wearing both sweaters and they were all able to guess which was the expensive version.

      1. “It just looks kind of shabby after a few wears.”

        My experience with everything I’ve tried from Quince.

  8. I’m going to be calling a laser hair removal place this morning. It was recommended to me by a friend so I feel good about them as a provider. But, this is new territory for me – anything to know before my first appointment? I’m specifically looking for chin and neck hair help as I have PCOS. I’m 40 and some hair is greying but most of it is still jet black so I feel like it’s now or never before it all turns grey. I pluck a LOT. Do I need to let it grow out before my first treatment or consultation?

    1. I think for your first consultation you should have enough hair to let them see what sort of contrast there is between your hair and skin colors. I think the level of contrast has an effect on what sort of laser they use and how effective the treatment will be.

      I got my lower legs done long ago and at the time, it was better if you had pale skin and dark hair, the lasers worked better.

      1. I’ve heard 1/4 inch length is best, which doesn’t feel very long for a bikini line or leg hair, but will feel very long for chin hairs. Which I say as a constant plucker myself.

        1. I just got back from a 3-week trip where every single hotel had, like, NO LIGHT AT ALL. My chin hairs were practically dragging on the floor…

    2. I went for a consultation for PCOS hair removal also, and I did not do anything special or let it grow out for the appointment and it wasn’t an issue.

  9. I need to attend two black tie events in December, when I’ll be 9 months pregnant. Any suggestions? Budget up to $300, but ideally lower if feasible.

    1. Obviously you do you, but I attended a formal event while 7/8 months pregnant and did not feel like spending money on a dress specifically for that kind of event, so I wore a plain black jersey tank bodycon dress so I was comfortable, and redirected my dress budget to getting my hair/makeup done and a fancy necklace. I think people give a huge pass to what you wear when you are at that stage of pregnancy!

    2. This looks promising: https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1236746004.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=US_ENG_GOO_SH_Ladies_BRA_Branded_SHOPV1_All_LOW_pi_USG06ANW3AA213&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADvrmzSYJwpBa2Y3ea83kGpYZrHjM&gclid=Cj0KCQiAire5BhCNARIsAM53K1iMKolNSOt0D9NCX5WTVJTaXjj8HWzcvy2seLK7C_mrfYQCM0kY1YkaAn6lEALw_wcB

      https://www.seraphine.com/en-us/black-sparkle-maternity-maxi-dress/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADJM_SeoeEmCVqsuKs3PI3rOtOjOM&gclid=Cj0KCQiAire5BhCNARIsAM53K1hvwcY-wpFmWZY09dsvYBrz7YLQE87DsMPmWV1KjqhgofGGGNKprG8aAkFxEALw_wcB

      Would also check out Seraphine and Hatch.

        1. Same here, I don’t get the appeal at all. It also can’t be altered and looks like you borrowed someone’s dress.

        2. I pay $94 a month for five items (this is the monthly subscription, not a one-time rental). OP could rent two or three dress options, a bag to match, and a fun piece of jewelry for under $100. I can’t see buying a nice black tie dress for that.

  10. What is happening right now in Amsterdam is absolutely petrifying. What century are we in?!

    1. Absolutely despicable. This is one of those times where I lose my progressive bona fides and want the toughest on crime punishments that there possibly are.

    2. It is totally unacceptable and abhorrent that innocent civilians are being targeted for violent punishment for the acts of their government.

      1. In many cases it’s not even their government. Lots of supporters were not Israeli nationals. They are statistically likely to be Jewish though.

      2. Subtle. There’s a difference between being collateral damage in a war zone (especially when a terrorist group embeds itself in hospitals and schools) and being deliberately targeted at civilian events in other countries.

        1. Hamas operates inside and underneath hospitals and uses hospitals for military operations including command centers., store weapons and hostages. No genocide. Tell Hamas to stop using the hospitals and and civilians as human shields, the horrible war will end. Return the hostages.

          4. Okay. It’s just weird how your post repeats rote talking points repeated since day one with no thought attached or proper grammar and without consideration for countervailing facts and it does seem like posting that kristallnacht thing is maybe like “the thing we are all doing this week to advance our position”

          1. I was not referring to Kristallnacht as “a thing.” I am very aware of that atrocity. I was referring to the link itself. And you know that. You just want to deflect.

    5. I’m so angry at everyone who did nothing when Jews were attacked, when universities did nothing to protect their Jewish students and local governments did nothing in response to antisemitism. Blood is on their hands.

    6. Maccabi Tel Aviv Macavi fans are famous for producing altercations in every city they go. Always.
      Last night was no different, they started in the streets and stadium with chants against Palestine. Later in the stadium Israelis behaved in a pitiful disgusting manner during the minute of silence for the victims of the floods in Spain whistling and lighting flares. A vomiting scene. Shame on them.
      It was at the exit of the stadium when they were attacked by pro-Palestinian demonstrators.
      It seems that the situation in Gaza has made them think that they can do and say whatever they want without anyone stopping them. In Europe it is fortunately not like that.

        1. Would you have said the same if a foreign team had been so disrespectful in your city in a tribute to Katrina victims? If they had torn to shreds the flag that hangs in your house? Those hoolingans should not have entry into Europe

      2. Some people may behave in vile ways. That never, ever, justifies bashing their heads open. If we don’t uphold that, we lose civilization.
        Signed, another European.

      3. If you read new sources sources (LA Times, BBC, Sky news) there were direct provocative actions done by Israeli/Maccabi fans that have contributed to the escalation of violence. Prior to the match many of them chanted anti-Arab slogans (“Let the IDF f* the Arabs”), have tore down Palestinian flag from a building in Amsterdam and engaged in confrontations with local youths.

        Not that any of this justifies the violence against them. But it has not arisen out of a vacuum.

        1. Like the little brother sitting next to you in the car who waves his hands an inch from your face while repeating “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you.”?

      4. So dancing in the street celebrating the deaths of Palestinians while bearing national symbols of their own country or the one to which they bear an allegiance?

        1. Yes, God forbid we condemn violence while also having an honest conversation about how some fans acted in the hours leading up to it. It was wrong. I doubt the people who were beaten even had anything do with the earlier events.

    7. They deserved it. Tearing down p*l*stinian flags, marching through the streets chanting “Let the I*F win to F* the Ar*bs”

      1. Their chant during the moment of silence was “There are no schools in Gaza because we killed all the kids.”

  11. What’s on your Democracy’s Over playlist? Tina Turner’s song 1984 is so perfect for mine.

    1. Biggie Smalls … the What
      Also a lot of Lauren Hill, esp. her verse on a recent-ish Nas track, Nobody. The way she says “the stupid leaves me breathless” really resonates.

      1. Don’t be coy. Even if you believe Trump is good for this country, you know he’s on video saying he’d be a dictator of “Day 1.” There is hard evidence of the cause for concern, even if you don’t share it.

        1. Democracy in this country has survived half of this country seceding and going to war with the other half.

  12. I have been taking long walks over the past few days and want to keep it up. But my body aches afterwards, like my knees, hips, back, etc. This is alarming because I am 39. The path is paved and I wear cross-training shoes. Should I wear something with more shock absorption like Hokas?

    1. Hokas are a ripoff IMO. They’re at least double what they should cost based on materials – my last pair tore a hole in the upper for no reason within three months.

    3. How old are your shoes? Conventional wisdom is that you should replace them every 400 miles, and I do find that my feet start to hurt when my shoes wear out. Getting a new pair of the same shoes solves the problem, assuming they were good shoes for you. The problem could also just be increasing activity levels too fast.

    4. Body aches could be a result of shoes, or it could be muscular problems. If you have lazy glutes – it’s a thing – other muscles overcompensate. Completely serious: put a hand on your glutes when you walk and see if they are contracting.

    5. Have you tried replacing the insole that came in your shoes with whatever “Superfeet” insole your local running store recommends to you? I think the insole matters more than the sneaker.

    6. If you have just started, it may be more that you are out of shape than something wrong with your shoes. I would give it a couple of weeks and see if you feel better. That said, getting good walking shoes isn’t going to hurt.

      1. Right. Drink lots of water and if you have a tub, have a hot bath with bath salts afterwards (while drinking lots of water.)

    7. I would also try and do some stretches after walking as a “cool down” for your muscles.

    9. I’d give it more than few days, imho. but agree on the dead butt syndrome, as i think it’s called. i know one side is much weaker than the other so i do some standing exercises that are supposed to activate the area and wake things up. (1 – pull knee up, swing bent knee to the right and back in a circular motion to open hips. 2 – lift foot, swing straight leg forward and back as high as you can, and 3 – lift foot, move straight leg in front of you and swing straight leg left to right like a pendulum. 5x each.)

    10. If you’ve suddenly ramped up your activity then maybe it’s because you’re physically tired. 39 isn’t old, but as we age we lose muscle mass and as a result stability, which makes us ache more.

    11. I would go to a running store and ask for advice on new shoes. I go periodically to see what is new and they know which brands and models in those brands will work well for my foot needs.

      1. Yes, go get fitted properly for your gait, stride, and foot shape. Don’t just find something popular that you think fits you okay, get a professional to watch how you walk or run and who can help you try on and lace up shoes to see what works best.

    12. If you’ve only been doing it for a few days I wouldn’t overreact. You’re doing a new workout, using new muscles, even if you think “it’s just walking” – give it a few more days, and keep walking!

    13. Don’t panic yet, but yes, you may need different shoes. Go to a running store and try on a bunch of different ones.

    14. Your body will get used to it. Maybe dial it back to just a couple of reasonable strolls per week now to give yourself time to adjust. Consider an advil or a bath with epsom salts for immediate relief, and make sure you keep well hydrated and your electrolytes aren’t unbalanced. You’ll be shocked how quickly you adapt and can do longer distances, faster speeds, power up hills, etc. Don’t give up!

    15. Well if you’ve just started, it’s just an adjustment (doms). You could take magnesium, foam roll, and take a hot bath until you adjust. If you haven’t just started, you may want to walk shorter distances and focus on your posture for a bit

    16. I’m 40 and my husband and I walk about an hour a day. It’s way more of a workout than you might think! My hips hurt if we do more than 3 miles.

      I don’t have problems with my knees but I do also run/jog.

      I’d give it some time, maybe build up the distance a little more slowly. If your sneakers are really old then I’d replace them but otherwise you are likely fine. FWIW I walk and run in on clouds; DH has Hokas but both are just trendy; you’d be fine in $50 sketchers.

  13. My parents moved to a city for work 55 years ago with no other local family. We expected dad to go first and Mom to quickly relocate to their home area or to where my sister or I live. Of course, mom went first and dad is from the generation where he worked and she was the home CFO and was the primary maintainer of all social contacts (many of which he gladly participated in, but didn’t initiate). Right after mom’s funeral and after a scare, I moved him to assisted living in my city (where he knows only me), where he seemed relieved that he wouldn’t stroke out at home and die alone in a house with the power knocked out after a storm and his food spoiled, but . . . I need help. I can’t fix the grief or the social patterns and he is healthy and safe. It’s just so much unplanned and unwanted negative changes in a short window of time. But what do I do now? How do I figure that out? Is there a good book or website? I feel like I’m building the plane poorly as I fly it (also poorly).

    1. No, you can’t fix the grief.
      The grief over the loss of his wife, of his home, of his community, of those 55 years, of life as he knew it.
      No, you can’t fix the grief.
      I’m so sorry . . . you can’t fix the grief.
      The grief must be felt. It will come to breakfast and sit with him at dinner.
      It will show up at night and with the grandchildren.
      No, you can’t fix the grief.
      You can sit with him in it. You can take your own grief and sit with it and him.
      Eventually, it’s edges will soften. It will change shape.
      It will visit differently.
      But no, you can’t fix it.

      1. From that generation, what do the men do? Anything that works or is helpful? I’ve heard alarming stories of rapid decline. They don’t talk to people, much less professionals, just family.

        1. They like a project. Is there anything at your house that needs to be fixed? You can have him come over and “help” you switch out a ceiling fan or replace a baseboard. Take him to home depot and let him mansplain as much as he wants. Assuming he is able, does he have any particular interests? Many dads have been babysat by volunteering at military history museums.

          1. +1

            Ugh – the heartache will continue.
            Maybe there is a group of men he will find in assisted living… many have lost spouses
            He needs to feel useful, seen. Treat him like a dad. Talk to him. Ask him for advice.
            Love the idea with asking him to help with a project. Encourage every/any interest.
            A regular recurring phone call time/day, a regular recurring visit to look forward to.
            Any other distant family he cares for that could schedule a visit in the future.

            Continue to talk about your Mom – reminisce. Bring out a picture occasionally. Favorite music.

            I’m so sorry for your loss and struggles with this. It sounds like you are a great daughter and doing an amazing job. Hopefully you can hook him in with a PCP if there isn’t one visiting the assisted living. Watching for depression in elderly men is a needed thing.

      1. This. Check with the facility to see if they can encourage him to attend activities. Even if he doesn’t participate, just going to the morning coffee hour or the afternoon board game group and seeing other humans would be a start.

    3. Can you check with your local senior resource center? They list activities and programs for the elderly and you may be able to find things that will interest him.

    4. My father has zero interests or hobbies that are not active, and now he is in assisted living, has no interests, and is declining. I feel your distress. I go by and sit and watch old movies with him, or pick him up for a half hour to an hour or so and just ride around in the car. A recent hit was a fall color ride and a stop at the Sonic drive in for milkshakes.

    6. What was his job? Can he volunteer in something related? Encourage him to participate in whatever activities that the home offers that he may be interested in. Does your city have a recreational program with outings for seniors?

    7. Assisted living places can be really depressing. A significant portion of the population is very old people just waiting to die.

      Does the assisted living facility offer group trips to your local senior center? Those tend to be less depressing because they are visited by local seniors who are still living independently. If your dad plays cards or something like that, he might find a game there he can join.

      1. OP here. His apartment is amazing and the facility is new-ish and great. 40% men, my guess is in the same life path. I agree he needs to putter around and have projects. But what? He is used to house and garage tasks and now he doesn’t drive.

        If he and mom had come in together (or if any of this had been planned or voluntary), he’d have been so much better off. Wish I had a rewind button.

    8. Honestly, I’d be surprised if one of the ladies in assisted living didn’t glom on to him at some point. My dad was super cranky and unpleasant and even he had an assisted living girlfriend after my mom passed away. Give it a little time.

      1. Yeah, I feel like it’s so common for older men to find another partner after their wife dies. They don’t know how to be on their own.

    9. OP, I first want to say you’re doing a great job. You are doing the best you can. You are looking for additional tools to do even better. I know this is so, so hard and overwhelming, but know you should feel proud of the job you are doing here for your father. I am impressed by you. I do not have any solutions or recommendations that will be useful, but I can see in this post that you will find the way, because you very much want to. You’ve got this.

    10. I would treat him like a kid that you’re scheduling for the summer. Get him into some kind of grief therapy. Talk to the assisted living facility about what activities/exercise they offer. Get him signed up for a few things, and possibly see if you can go with him to some. Each lunch with him at the cafeteria and be chatty with others who might be open to being friends.

      Just try to get him started and figure out who the extraverts are in the facility.

  14. I’ve decided that retail therapy will help get me out of this funk, so I am getting a head start on Xmas shopping. My SIL is going on a cruise after Xmas so I want to get her some travel-sized stuff plus a couple fun reads set in Mexico (her destination). I was thinking sunscreen, aloe gel, mascara (she always seems to be looking for some right before a trip), lip balm with SPF, face wash, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, Bum Bum cream. I’m over budget for this gift now, so what would you prioritize?

    1. Sorry she is not flogging on a cruise, she is going to a resort in Cancun with her family.

        1. I am willing to bet that there is a flogging cruise out there somewhere. Mexico sounds much better!

    3. I’d prioritize the fun stuff – mascara, lip balm with SPF, maybe a body wash or lotion with a coconut scent or other scent you know she likes. Let her buy the practical stuff on her own.

    4. Personally I like the reading material idea the best. Also, I prefer traveling with my own fave toiletries, sunscreens, etc. and so would actually prefer a set of nice 3-oz reusable bottles to a bunch of new-to-me products.

      1. Was going to say this less clearly. In my 40s, I realized I don’t actually like using different brands for travel & experimenting on trips, so just use the same stuff in smaller containers. So I’d prioritize either stuff she may not need as much at home (maybe that’s sunblock, dry shampoo, etc.) or a cute bag/containers to take the items with her. Also liked the idea of reading materials.

        1. Agree. I LOVE sunscreen but I’m very very very particular about it. The only reason I love my SPF is because I’ve tried everything else and absolutely hated it, and in a couple of cases got an allergic rash!

    7. I don’t think I’d do the toiletries. I like my own shampoo, mascara brand, sunscreen choice, etc., and rarely use samples of other stuff. but if you know her well enough to know that she’s hunting for mascara before trips (?), she may be different.

      So I’d go with the books. Maybe a huge linen shirt she can use for a swimsuit coverup. I find that lots of small things go over budget very quickly, but don’t actually feel like enough of a gift, so I tend buy one “real” thing, like the shirt, and leave it at that.

  15. Does anyone have recommendations for websites, blogs, or the like that have gift guides that are reasonably priced? I love browsing them around the holidays just for fun, but most things are so beyond what I’d ever spend.

    My treat to myself after Tuesday is that I’m embracing the holiday season early this year (I am normally a strict not until Thanksgiving person). I’m traveling home from a work trip today (and will begin decorating my apartment tomorrow!), and plan to kill time at the airport with a fun drink and lots of gift guides.

    1. I love Cup of Jo’s gift guides. They’re not out for this year, but you could browse the 2024 versions.

      I also like The Strategist for endless gift guides sorted by price.

    2. It’s a food blog, but I like the guides from Mel’s Kitchen Cafe. She just posted ones for this season.

    4. Honestly I love browsing Amazon’s gift guide pages. You can sort by price, by category, by age/gender.

    5. I always look forward the the Go Fug Yourself guide. Wirecutter has a lot of guides year round – like kids by age, budget, etc. I used to enjoy Oprah’s favorite things too but I’m boycotting Amazon and it’s basically all Amazon things now to maximize profits (used to be more unique stuff I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise).

    6. I like The Recruiter Mom’s gift guides. She includes a range of prices, and I find that they’re pretty on-trend.

    8. I find the Cup of Jo gifts to be very sad beige. I prefer the How Sweet Eats gift guides.

  16. If the economy looks better since Tuesday’s election, it is solely because of my stress shopping/retail therapy. You’re welcome, America. Now to go break down some boxes…

    1. I know it shouldn’t, but this made me LOL.
      I found a brand new Mackage parka at a thrift store yesterday. The world may be on fine, but at least I will be warm.

    2. Ha! I was quite confused when I neither stress ate or stress cleaned. Both are my usual go tos. But I went into research mode instead and tried to remember what happened last time and assess what could happen this time.

    3. I have decided that researching DIY home improvement projects is my therapy. If you need to know anything about insulating wall plates in unfinished attics in order to permanently exclude small mammals, I believe I am now an expert.

      1. Today has been a rough day on too of a few rough weeks and really two years of ups and downs, so and this provides a Much needed laugh and smile!! Thanks so much for this and the prior funny comments about rebounding America cia retail therapy, while remembering tj reply or the cardboard!!
        Inspiring me to think more seriously about my own Christmas shopping.

        Just a small picture, one of the stray kittens I am trying to socialize and adopt out wound up literally up my neighbor’s tree for hours! He came back home after about 1-2 days gone though and so far isn’t too much different than before. Jokes aside, glad he and his litter mate are both ok.

    4. I just bought the featured sweater and placed a big Beauty Pie order yesterday. You’re welcome, America.

  17. I travel a lot for work (1 month at a time, without going home, 2-3x a year). I have most of my travel supplies and packing lists down pat, but I’m always looking to improve what I have, as well as making it a little more “fun” with nicer things. So, looking for recs for the following items:

    – travel washboard. I do a fair amount of sink laundry while on the road and am looking for a washboard for this purpose.
    – a PJ set that’s not too hot and not too expensive. Ideally pants and a short sleeve top.
    – a travel straightener or straightening brush. I”ve been forcing myself to do natural wavy hair while on work travel, and I’m over it. I’ve remembered there’s a reason that I break out the straightener a few times a week at home!!
    – a somewhat fluffy robe that is packable. I currently have a satin robe, which packs down really well, but now that it’s winter I’d like something cozier.

    For work travelers, if you have any unexpected things you like to travel with, anything you’d recommend?

    1. my must haves are noise cancelling headphones and an eye mask for sleeping.

      Do you pack all of that in a carry on sized suitcase? I really struggle to fit everything in a carry on for trips more than a couple of weeks, and trips where I have to have lots of different types of clothes (e.g., if I have to bring my suit but will also have casual days). I often really want to bring my travel steamer but don’t because I don’t have space.

      1. I don’t know anyone who travels for more than a week at a time with just a carry-on, at least not for business travel where real clothing is required. The true road warriors I know tend to have one giant suitcase that contains everything they might possibly need.

      2. No, I have a large checked-size suitcase for these trips. I can pack for ~10-14 days in a carry on, but on these long trips I bring so many “extras” that I need the large suitcase.

        For example: I bring a bowl, plate, regular mug, and utensils (in addition to my water bottle and travel mug, but they always come with me), dish soap and sponge, a kettle and a pour over coffee maker, laundry soap + quarters (and now a washboard), a knitting project, a water flosser, a bathrobe, slippers, exercise bands, and more toiletries / self care items / clothing than i would for a shorter trip. I don’t “need” these things, but they make the long trips much more comfortable.

    2. I travel with a modal robe. It isn’t as cozy as a fluffy robe but it still packs down small and is a lot more cozy than satin. I mostly use the robe for getting ready after my shower and wear a cozier cardigan with my PJs for lounging. I also bring flip-flops or Birks to use as slippers, along with thin cotton socks to wear at night.

      If you like to read, a Kindle is so much nicer than reading on your iPad.

      I have been considering a travel humidifier, especially for winter when heating makes the air so dry. Canopy makes one. A small pair of scissors also comes in handy every so often.

      You probably already have this covered, but I like to travel with a full kit of OTC medications. My doctor also just volunteered to write me a preemptive prescription for the meds I inevitably need in particular circumstances because he likes patients to carry them when traveling, which is such a relief because it can be a huge pain to get a telemedicine appointment and then get to a pharmacy on some trips . I also bring a few packets of TJ’s instant coffee with creamer and sugar and some packaged breakfast-y snacks for hotels where the coffee situation is uncertain or where time zone differences mean I’ll want coffee three hours before the hotel starts serving it.

      1. Thanks for the robe rec! I do the same – robe for after the shower, cozier layer for lounging. And, rubber Birks for slippers!

        Love your humidifier idea – I’ll look into that over the winter.

        Since I check my bag, I include a sharp pair of embroidery scissors and a small pocket knife too. And yes to all of the meds!

        One of my first stops when I land is to grab some half and half for my coffee and a few healthy snacks

    5. I used to have a travel straightener for fixing my bangs, and even for that purpose it was basically useless. Now I just bring my regular straightener if I think I’ll need it.

      I’m a coffee snob, and if I’m feeling really extra I’ll bring a collapsible travel kettle and aeropress to make coffee in the room.

      I know someone who travels with a scented candle– probably not actually allowed in hotels, but maybe a diffuser or something else that smells nice, if you’re into that kind of thing.

      J Crew cotton poplin pajamas are my GOAT. They feel sooo nice and if the fire alarm goes off in the middle of the night (from that person with the candle? haha) I feel at least somewhat presentable.

      1. I’m not even a coffee snob (my favorite coffee is Maxwell House regular blend made in my Mr. Coffee) but so much hotel coffee is just BAD so I travel with a kettle and a collapsible pour over :)

      2. +1 Full size straightener is the way. My hair has a disproportionate impact on how well dressed I feel. Especially given the list of what you are packing – this is such a small investment in terms of space.

      1. Do you do this when you fly too? Normally if I drive I bring a pillow but I don’t if I fly.

        Honestly, I’ve considered driving with a bed rest pillow too, that’s what I really miss when traveling if my room doesn’t have an armchair in it.

    9. Robe: look for big waffle fabric. Will feel “fluffy” but not heavy to carry
      Pajamas: j crew cotton (not the poplin). They do come in short sleeve top and pant combos.
      Noise machine app on phone
      Snap tray for bedside to keep my stuff together
      Stickers to cover appliance lights
      Good tea and chocolate

    10. For long trips travel with a small portable humidifier. Hotel rooms really dry out my skin, so sleeping next to a little humidifier seems to help.

    11. I like Jockey for inexpensive good quality PJs. Some of their pants are a perfect mix of substantial but not heat-retaining, if that’s what you are aiming for.

      I travel a lot for work. The unexpected items that live in my suitcase are: an umbrella, an inexpensive pair of winter gloves, a pair of flip flops, a lint roller, a pair of scissors (not recommended for carry-on bags due to security), nail clippers, tweezers, a variety of band-aids, Nasacort, many pairs of socks, a foot file for callous removal, a nail file, a cuticle stick, a hair straightener, a Butter London single-use nail polish remover pad, a couple individually wrapped Dr Dennis Gross alpha beta acid wipes, a travel pack of tissues, a travel pack of Clorox wipes, a stack of cough drops, a tin of Altoids, a travel size mouthwash, small bottles of generic OTC painkiller and bismuth subsalicylate, and several spare trash bags. None of this takes up much room and all of it gets used frequently. My biggest challenge is remembering to restock supplies between trips!

    12. If you all want a fun peek at someone who travels all the time and really brings a ton of stuff check out Amanda King’s channel on YouTube. She’s a flight attendant for Emirates, so takes quick trips, but OMG the amount of things she brings! I am in awe! Four days worth of vegan meals! An entire studio for producing video content. Truly incredible.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WT–wUj72eM&ab_channel=Amandaking

  18. I live in Charlotte and want to help the western part of my state. I could try to direct volunteer my time. Or just go to a tourist town struggling to keep people in restaurants and spend $ and go on a hike. Or send a check. It’s so heartbreaking and I’ve been so busy with eldercare since the storm that this is my first time with free time since the storm. YYWD (for others: I’m a 1-2 hour drive from some devastated areas and some that are fine and rely on fall tourism, which is severely off this year). I spent lots of time in Pisgah forest this spring.

        1. This is such a sweet offer. We may be bringing kids or trying to meet up with Hendersonville people, who knows? But it’s good to see another local here.

    3. French Broad Chocolates is a place that employs many people and while their store is closed due to damage, their factory / distribution center is open and you can support them by ordering holiday gifts! Their hot chocolate is lovely.

    1. At real jewelry stores. Don’t get online junk. Go find a nice place where you live and get things there. If you post a location, I’m sure people will have ideas.

    3. I like searching “silver 925” on ebay or mecari and sorting to make sure it’s all second-hand in like new or good condition. Way more value than buying new.

        2. I’m curious, where do you shop as a jewelry snob? No shade. Are you going to Bergdorf’s and Ylang 23 or can you recognize well made jewelry in the wild or on Etsy?

          Sometimes I’ll go to an event with lots of local vendors and like something but not trust my own taste since it’s always a spur of the moment kind of thing. there was a beautiful $800 ring i still remember from a vacation to Austin, but I had no idea of a boulder opal was worth that price…

          I know a little bit about jewelry making but feel like I’d need to know more.

          1. At local actual jewelry stores where they make their own things. I’m also partial to vintage and estate pieces. Anything like Catbird, Mejuri, etc is terrible quality and value. Even if you can’t initially afford a bench jeweler, you can learn a lot just by trying things on and use that to look for estate pieces.

    6. I would start at a local jeweler. A bench jeweler actually makes jewelry and by looking at those pieces and talking to them you can learn a ton.

  20. I started seeing a nutritionist, who recommended buying a tumbler with a straw to help me drink more water (which I am not doing enough of).

    I would love to hear about any cute or trendy brands and models that you love. It doesn’t need to be super portable as would primarily be sitting on my desk as I WFH. Thanks.

    1. I mean, the Stanley is a cult sensation for a reason (besides flaunting consumerism, of course). I really like my 30oz one. It keeps things very cold, the straw feels nice to drink from, and you get a lot of water with one fill

      2. I love my 30 oz Stanley. It doesn’t make the water taste metallic like some other stainless steel vessels do. I find the 40 oz to be too bulky and heavy.

        Yeti is good if you don’t want a handle.

      3. Yeah. The 40 oz Stanley with a straw is the only thing that’s made me regularly drink water. I’ve failed with every other type of water device, including just keeping a cup at my desk.

    2. I’ve heard that the Brumate bottle is better than the Stanley ones, which are prone to leaking.

      1. I think the flack is more about the people collecting dozens of them. I’m pretty anti consumerist but if I saw you with one I wouldn’t think twice.

    4. Do you like drinking from a straw? I personally cannot stand straws, but do like my one-hand Contigo that doesn’t spill if I knock it over.

    5. My cardiologist believes in focusing on hydration, so at his recommendation I bought a 40 ounce straw cup that is always where I am (at least when I’m not out on a walk or something). I bought the Simple Modern cup based on wire cutter reviews.

      I drink A LOT of water now, so having it on hand has really worked. And my cardiologist is very pleased with my blood tests now.

      Simple Modern 40 oz Tumbler with… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BHC14143?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

      1. Awesome! Can you tell me what blood tests we should be looking at regarding hydration?

        1. It’s the metabolic panel. My kidney markers were slightly out of range for more than one successive test. I improved my hydration and they went right back in rance.

          There may be other tests. I don’t know.

    6. I really like my 30oz Stanley cup! The 40oz is a bit too big for me but the 30oz is perfect. I have two and switch them out every few days. I only put water in them. I also prefer buying metal straws separately over using the plastic ones that come with it, but that’s just a personal preference.

    7. Stanley. Owala also has a model with a straw, rather than the flip-top.

      I have some Yeti tumblers from work and bought a six-dollar straw lid to use with it. That’s pretty great, too.

    10. I have the Owala Twist. I chose that over the regular Owala so it can fit in a cupholder. I heard Stanleys are pretty easy to knock over because they’re top heavy, and I like the Owala FreeSip spout because it is shaped differently than a typical straw, which may help prevent those lip wrinkles.

    11. I’m always grossed out by the listeria risk in straws so I just keep a 32 ounce Hydroflask tumbler on my desk and fill up a glass throughout the day. I try to get to 80 oz and it’s easier to count that way.

      1. This is literally how i get through 4 litres a day. I bought an adaptor kit and a 50 lb CO2 tank and now it costs exponentially less than SodaStream.

    13. I’d think about how you like to drink water. Do you like it cold or room temp? Through a straw or not? I drink more at room temp and without a straw, plus they get gross, so all the popular recs for giant insulated tumblers with straws are totally wrong for me. I WFH so I just drink out of a glass and have a regular uninsulated water bottle with a lid the rest of the time (not too big either, as I don’t want to lug a heavy thing around with me and a smaller one means I’m more likely to actually carry it)

    14. I have a very generic insulated 32oz cup with a lid that I’m pretty sure is from Target. It’s matte white like a Stanley cup and my kids decorated it with markers for mothers day. I put a wide silicone straw (permanently bent, like an old school accordion bendy straw would be) in the lid from my stash of reusable straws. Bendy straws are far superior to straight ones, IMO. It is not trendy, but is exceptionally functional and I love it.

  21. Is it ok to like being alone? I have no plans this weekend, and I’m planning to just go to museums, go thrifting, go driving around, all by myself. But you hear so much about how necessary it is to have connections with other people, is it ok to genuinely prefer to be alone?

    1. Sure! Being able to enjoy your own company and enjoy drifting around by yourself for a weekend is a great thing.

      Just pay attention to what’s happening inside, over time, to make sure you’re not sliding from “good alone” into the kind of isolation where depression, disconnection, or despair can start to enter in.

    2. If you’re wrong I don’t want to be right. Especially right now, when I don’t really know who I can trust outside of a couple of very close friends and my partner.

    3. I think it is fine – even good – to enjoy your own company, and even to need time alone. I don’t think it is good to fully isolate and reject engagement with others for long periods of time. It can make you weird and out of touch and then both small minded and closed minded. As with so many things, all things in moderation.

      1. That can probably happen, but it also happens that some people were different to begin with, and that’s why they withdrew as much as they did.

    4. Yes, I think it can be, so long as we’re keeping our minds engaged. Some people really rely on back and forth conversation to stay sharp. I think I actually stay sharper when I spend more time with my thoughts and reading. Some people are intellectually stimulated by art or nature. We’re not all the same.

      I think people who really do need connections with other people understandably advertise this because they’re in trouble if too many other people do not! It is also just expensive and potentially less reliable to outsource everything that a community might traditionally have helped with, so for most people it’s practically wise to have a personal support network.

      1. There is choosing to spend time alone and enjoying it. There is also having no one, being alone in the world. I’m an introvert. The former was fine, but the latter was hard.

        1. I feel this hard lately. Late 30s, newly single not by my choice, distant from my (tiny) family of origin. I have good friends who enrich my life but there is no one to go home to at night, no default person to share the ups and downs of daily life or share deep emotional intimacy with, and no one for the holidays, and that feels very bleak. I’m generally very good at finding things to do solo, but it only gets you so far.

    5. I spend most of my time alone if I’m not at the office! I’m an introvert who enjoys my own company, so I like it.

    6. Of course it’s ok to like being alone. Learning to enjoy your own company is a skill a lot of people lack, so good for you!

    7. I was talking to my husband about this last night. I really liked living alone between marriages and enjoy the rare times when I have our house to myself these days. He, on the other hand, was quite lonely after his wife passed away and doesn’t like being alone at all. I think people are just different and that’s okay.

    8. I think it’s a matter of degree as well as circumstance. I love my husband and my kids, but as an introvert marriage and motherhood are both really hard for me; your day sounds like a dream come true. But if it’s 100% of your life I could see that being lonely.

    9. Being by yourself but out in the world is my ideal :)

      I honestly don’t think it counts as being alone. You are interacting with other people and flexing those muscles, just not with people you have significant relationships with.

    10. Oh course. It’s called being an introvert and approximately half the population is one.
      Unless you have no friends, no job and no connection with other humans you don’t need to worry.

    11. Being alone is WONDERFUL. At least, it is to me. I feel so much peace when I am alone, in silence. It is one of my greatest pleasures in life. There is no a single thing wrong about it. In fact, I think those of us who find peace within ourselves in quiet moments are extremely blessed.

    12. I love being alone. I also occasionally love spending time with other people. You sound like a happy introvert, keep doing you.

    13. There was a recent book on this — solitude. Look at any of the research on introversion. If it energizes you to be alone, then you’re probably just more introverted. All people are different.

  22. That feeling of vindication when you are correct about something and finally get proven right, after being sent in a circle by other teams for weeks. Especially when the ones brushing you off are all men.

    Sorry bro, your one liner responses arnt going to make me shut up and go away about missing data. And now I have a case documented for when its finally time for our team to push back on being hamstrung from doing our work.

    1. I have Airalo and see their package for Portugal is 20GB for $32, typical to what I have been getting in Europe. Not sure about other providers.

    2. If you have T Mobile you should have free data and texting in Europe. I’ve never needed voice calling while traveling, but if you do you can use WhatsApp (to call a mobile) or WiFI calling (to call a landline).

  24. Anyone care to share their personal tips on stopping the mindless grazing? I fill up on water, eat protein at every meal, and know I’m bored at work, so I don’t feel like peering deep into the emotional causes of my eating. I know I may need to white-knuckle it, but I could use some help.

    1. Keeping my hands busy. My mindless grazing usually happens at home, so I knit, sew, clean, basically anything that keeps my fingers occupied. I cannot just sit and watch TV without something in my hands or I will eat the whole time.

    2. I find a time cut off works best for me. Like I will not eat after X time. I brush my teeth and then that’s it – no wine, no snacks. I can have herbal tea (no sugar).

    3. I recently started buying little snack pack things for myself, and it’s honestly helped a lot with this. I’ve been getting the slightly fancier (more expensive) single serve cheese and cracker or cheese and cashew trays, or Chobani flips. I know it’s more environmentally friendly and cost effective to buy a big block of cheese and box of crackers, but I struggle with portion control, and will accidentally eat way too much.

      Since these are pre-portioned, I have a better idea of how much I’m eating. Having to actually break the seal on another snack pack if I want to keep eating gives me pause and keeps me from eating multiple consecutive ones. And honestly the fact that they’re so expensive keeps me from chowing down too much, but I still feel like I’m getting a treat.

    4. My best bet is to not keep it in the house. If I don’t have food that is good for snacking, I don’t snack.

    5. Terrible for the environment, but I buy single-serving packages of snacks so I can’t graze from a large open package.

    6. Drinking a lot of calorie-free beverages like seltzer or even water from a Stanley.

      1. Herbal tea is a great alternative. The heat and flavor make it more satisfying than plain water. I keep a big selection on hand so I don’t get tired of it.

    7. Eat a meal when you’re hungry and/or eat more at those meals. Now that I’m WFH, I eat lunch and dinner earlier in the day, when I’m actually hungry, and I don’t really snack all anymore, except on days that I have delay meals for some reason. But just eating more earlier in the day in general helps get me out of the snacking mindset because I’ve had a satisfying meal rather than a series of unsatisfying snacks and my brain and stomach can turn off the desire to eat after that.

    8. I do not fight this, I just being veggies to graze on. sliced peppers and cucumbers, baby carrots, celery sticks. Sometimes nuts or pumpkin seeds if I’m craving salt.

    9. I had a wake-up call recently while on a cruise. I don’t eat out of hunger, I eat as a form of entertainment, out of general boredom, for variety. I work from home a lot and eat, eat, eat all day long. On the cruise, I sometimes had breakfast (eggs, sausages, fruit), sometimes had lunch (usually from the well-stocked buffet, tiny sandwiches, a hamburger), and had a delicious but very small-portioned three-course dinner each night, sometimes doubling up on the appetizers (yes, soup AND salad). The portions were an eye-opener and good practice, and given the variety of offerings at the meals, my palate did not get bored. Somehow, knowing that if I wanted to eat something it was there, waiting for me, caused me not to overeat or “hoard” food as if I didn’t know where my next meal was coming from — I knew where my next meal was coming from! I also realized in retrospect that I did not eat any pasta or french fries, nor chips, nor chocolate bars, and ate only a minimal amount of bread (one roll at dinner), potatoes and rice. Since my return, I have been trying to follow these practices, and to train myself to remember that the food is there, waiting for me, if I want it.

  25. If our votes are private, where does all the post-election demographic voting data come from? Is it self reported? Or do election officials release aggregate data?

    2. Exit polls and knowing who voted. We don’t know how every specific person voted, but we know which districts turned out big and which were anemic; and we know who voted and who stayed home. When districts that have gone Dem since the 19th century flip red (eg Starr County, TX, 97% Hispanic, flipped for the GOP), it’s easy to know that there was a shift in Latino voting patterns.

      Starr County: https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/donald-trump-flips-starr-county/amp/

    3. Polling (exit polls; and polls of confirmed voters)
      As well as modelling – who you voted for is private but IF you voted is generally public, as well as some general demographic info (varies by state but in my state includes gender, year of birth, party registration), and then compare the county or precinct level results with the known characteristic of the electorate in that area

  26. Is anyone changing anything about their financial plans or strategies as a result of the election? My investments are up a lot in the last few days but I worry that that’s a temporary bump before a big crash. My retirement contributions are staying as is no matter what because I have 20+ year horizon on that, but I also have investments outside of retirement accounts that I would theoretically want to use towards a down payment but that’s not happening in the next year or two at least (likely longer).

    1. Not exactly what you asked, but I’m getting a jump on my deferred home maintenance/upgrades/power tools. Between the tariffs and war on immigrants, including threats to unnaturalize immigrants, I think construction costs and related goods are going to skyrocket. I’m looking into:
      – Tools for things that we could do ourselves but would usually outsource, like a snowblower, leaf blower, whatever the thing is called that you use to distribute seed and such on your lawn, tile cutter (we have a bunch of tile to be laid), chainsaw… I’m sure DH will come up with more
      – It’s only been a year since I had an arborist check on my trees to take out dead trees and branches, but I’m getting it done again. I’d normally do it as needed or every 2-3 years.
      – the driveway could use resurfacing. I was going to wait until the spring so my new driveway doesn’t get torn up by snow plows but I’m getting quotes now.
      – new garage doors. They work but they’re kind of shaky and the wood is starting to rot at the bottom. Could probably last another year or two but I’m getting it done now
      – house generator and a concrete pad to put it on. Our power usually comes back on pretty fast, but if there are mass deportations of currently-legal immigrants then the electric company will lose manpower.
      – there’s a weird electrical thing going on with the doorbell. The wiring in the house was replaced like 10 years ago, except apparently for the doorbell. The light near the doorbell also flickers when the AC kicks on so we need an electrician to probably open some walls and replace the old wiring that was missed there.
      With all these expenses at once, I won’t have any money left for the market, so I guess this is my current investment strategy!

      1. This is what I’d like to do but we just bought a new car and sent a kid off to college, so we need to build our savings back up. For me the biggest economic lesson of the past several years has been that our previous strategy of waiting until things were literally falling apart to replace or fix them was a bad one. We should have bought a new car two years ago instead of waiting until we were desperate, and we should have been willing to take on some debt to fix up our crumbling house back when interest rates were low.

    2. Not really. I will be watching the housing market closely though to try to find a good time to buy a home in a blue area and/or sell my home in my red state, with the understanding those two events may be years away from now and from each other.

    3. We are keeping things liquid. Our jobs may be affected (one fed, one NGO that relies on federal funds). We had planned a big renovation for next year that is now on hold until we see what happens. I am sadder about the country, of course, but I am also grieving my shiny new kitchen that I may never get.

    4. Building up a bigger cash nest egg because my professor husband probably won’t get NSF funding for at least four years.

      Otherwise our money is in retirement funds and we don’t plan to touch it but it will be so painful to see it crash, especially since we’re closing in on the $1M mark and psychologically that feels like a big deal.

      I would like to do a home addition because I agree about construction costs, but we just don’t have the funds right now. Fortunately our cars are new by our standards and should easily last another decade.

  27. Can I just scream into the void? I have the worst time trying to get health information out of my mother. We have a family history of cancer and she just won’t answer questions about it. She once told me she had breast cancer when she was 50, but after more questions, turns out it was a benign lump (her aunt died of breast cancer and her mother had a lump but no clue if it was benign). She says the same thing about her skin “cancer” spots that she periodically gets removed – she usually gets it removed and there’s no follow up care, but sometimes there is follow up that she won’t talk about. I have no idea how many of them are benign vs malignant, nevertheless what kind of malignancy. She had a hysterectomy at 42 but has resisted telling me why. I’m 40 and TTC my first child. The most I can get out of her was that she went in for surgery to raise her uterus because it was pressing on her bladder, but the doctors told her it “didn’t look right” so they took it out. Also one of her ovaries “didn’t look right” so they removed it too. It must have been biopsied, but she won’t say. Her grandmother had cancer of some part of the reproductive tract (no clue what part! she died decades later of “hardening of the arteries”) so I would really like to know what if anything I should be on the lookout for.

    I just… don’t know what I can do here. I don’t have any other living relatives that would have any insights. It’s incredibly frustrating. I’m sure I don’t have to tell anyone on this board, but please talk to your kids about your health. Embarrassment is not a reason to risk their health or life.

    1. That sounds so frustrating! Is there any way you can get access to her health portal?

      The surgery she probably had on her uterus sounds like it was because she had pelvic organ prolapse. Uterus pressing on the bladder probably means a multi-compartment prolapse that included a cystocele as well as a uterine prolapse. It’s a common condition but taboo to talk about, so maybe she was too embarrassed to tell you. Medical care for it can be kind of dicey, so it’s possible she had been gaslighted about it until it got really bad. Pelvic organ prolapse can run in families, so if you are TTC you should know that you are at a higher risk of it happening to you. It would be helpful to see a pelvic floor physical therapist while pregnant (specifically mention family history of prolapse) and do some sort of postpartum strength training program to try to optimize your pelvic floor. Or even consider elective c section, since it is strongly correlated with vaginal delivery. That would have saved me a lot of grief. I have a family history but didn’t find out until it already happened to me.

      2. Um, that’s crazy pants to try and get access to her health portal. You may be her kid, but you’re not entitled to that.

        OP, if you’re concerned, get a genetic test done. That’s way more accurate anyway. 70%+ of breast cancer is not genetically linked, despite the common refrains about it. If you’re 40 already anyway, start getting mammograms ASAP.

        1. I don’t think it’s crazy? I’m not suggesting that she illegally access it. Plenty of parents share access with their children, including mine. My mom gets confused at doctors appointments and likes to have one of her kids there with her.

    3. She’s probably telling you all she knows. A lot of people just don’t ask questions of their doctors.

    4. I might be misreading this, but is it possible that she’s resisting giving you details because she doesn’t really know or understand them herself? The terms you mention her using make me think that her doctors and her family members never actually told her the details so when you try to interrogate her, she just gets embarrassed that she doesn’t know and tries to evade the question. I’m assuming all of this happened decades ago, when it was pretty common for doctors not to explain very much, especially to women.

      1. This could be part of it. But her skin cancer scares are an ongoing issue. She sees her derm annually and almost always has something removed. She was of the, sun bathing while covered in baby oil generation. She won’t consider allowing me to go to appointments with her (well really, she’ll say ok and then she’ll schedule the appointment in the middle of my trial that she’s known about for over a year).

        1. My mom has had multiple Mohs surgeries on her face, neck and arms to remove spots that are pre-cancerous or cancerous. You could read up on the procedure and ask her if that’s what they did? I think for dermatologists, it’s sort of NBD. I know it’s frustrating to not know all the answers but on the bright side, at least she is going to the doctor?!

      2. I agree with this. But it might not be a case of doctors not telling her much or her being embarrassed, but maybe she simply isn’t interested in health details to the level you are, or maybe she doesn’t retain those kind of detailed facts the way you do.

        Honestly, if you were prying at me for specific health details the way it sounds like you’re prying at her to get hers, I’d be giving you vague and brush-off answers as well. a) I’m not very interested in health facts, b) I don’t retain all those specific names and details you want to know.

        But also . . . I’ve noticed a key thing with my older relatives. I”m curious about facts and details, simply because I’m curious and I want to know the story! It’s interesting! not medical, but general life. But it’s their ACTUAL LIVED EXPERIENCE that still has thoughts, emotions, relationships, and memories attached to it, and they often don’t want to stir all that up again or relive it merely to satisfy my curiosity.

        1. Yeah, I’ve learned with my own parents that they just aren’t that interested in the details and will go along for the ride. This is partly a generational thing, I think.

        2. Okay, but OP clearly isn’t doing this just to be nosey. She needs this information too. Going to the doctor with mom would be one way to do it too, but looks like mom isn’t open to that.

          1. I don’t think you need the full picture that OP is pushing for, though. It’s nice to have but absolutely not a need to have. To be clear, I’d be frustrated too, but I’d also just let it go at some point.

            We have a ton of cancer in my family. I have painstaking details to offer any doctor who asks about my history. In reality, they take loose notes in my file (“bre ast, mother, 46” is literally all it says) and then they get on with screenings and what not. They don’t know or care what stage it was, if it metastasized, how it was treated, or anything else at all. My dad has had all sorts of skin stuff and I really don’t know the malignancies but he’s had them so the derm knows and they check me 1x/year more than whatever is recommended.

            I’d be more peeved about the TTC stuff quite honestly. A little more openness from my own mom would have saved me a whole lot of time on the front end of brutal fertility diagnosis and treatments. But, again, you can only work with what you’re given and at some point it’s not your information to force out of her, as hard as that may be to hear.

          2. Agree that people have a right to medical privacy and that you don’t really need to know, especially the details. Family history is overrated. Most cancers show up in people with no known family history, so you can’t ignore screening guidelines or warning signs either way. You already know enough that you should be careful about sun and skin screening and should be getting mammograms as recommended, but probably nothing else (my doctors only care about primary relatives in their risk assessments, aunts and grandparents don’t matter).

          3. Family history is underrated, and your doctors are wrong to exclude aunts and grandparents. You’re talking about common conditions, but rare conditions can run strongly in families (and can skip generations!) and can be missed if doctors don’t take a good family history.

    5. This sounds really frustrating.

      Have you reframed your questions so it is clear you are asking so your own health care can be better addressed? “Mom, my doctor needs to know if we have a history of this in our family. The more details, the better. If you don’t know, would you give me permission to access your chart or talk to your doctor so I can fill in blanks for my own doc?”

      1. No, you are not entitled to access your mother’s medical chart. People have a right to autonomy and privacy.

        1. She didn’t say she was; she offered it as one possible approach to sharing family medical history?

          I don’t think parents have a right to hide family medical history from the children they chose to have.

          1. Seriously? Many of us just pushed for an election to firmly establish that women have a right to bodily autonomy/ medical privacy. That extends to all people. The things people think their parents “gave up a right to” by having children on this board sometimes is astonishing.

            Serious suggestion to OP: instead of trying to go to the doctor when your mother is being treated, ask her to come with you to one of your treatment sessions. Let your doctor ask what he or she really needs to know that is relevant to your care.

          2. I have a hereditary genetic condition; I can’t imagine what kind of parent would hide this kind of information from their children’s physicians? I also have a condition that is not hereditary, but the risk does run in families. I don’t think there’s any need to share irrelevant medical history, but the things that run in a family do matter.

    6. Commiseration. I have next to no idea about my family medical history and doctors treat you like a freak if you can’t answer simple questions like “what kind of cancer did your mother receive chemo for last year?”

    7. Don’t be mad at her. Some people deal with health problems by learning as little about them as possible.

    8. You can try to meet with a genetic counselor through your insurance. You can claim a family history of breast cancer with your aunt and grandmother. It’s fine to share what you do and don’t know. They may be to read between the lines when you’re not as you won’t be the only one with spotty family info, or give you options for further testing based on what little you know of your family history.

  28. I would like to get a phrase embroidered on a needlepoint type pillow. Any recommendations for an Etsy shop that does this? Thanks!

    1. Are you looking for a canvas that you will needlepoint and then have finished into a pillow or is this a premade pillow you just want something stitched on? For the former look up needlepoint shops near you and make some calls, they may be able to connect you with someone who has this skill. For the later, not really sure this can be done without a canvas background.

      1. I want someone to make a pillow cover with something I put on it. Basically to needlepoint for me. There are Etsy shops that offer this but I was hoping for a specific recommendation.

        1. Maybe still try calling a needlepoint shop and see if they can point you in the right direction but Etsy also sounds like a good choice!

  29. I have gotten into a bad habit of spending way too much time on my phone in the evenings. I am mentally drained by that part of the day, enough so that even reading isn’t appealing. (That, and my kids interrupt me constantly, so it’s just not very fun.) Any ideas of things I can do in between looking over homework, reminding kids to practice their instruments, etc.? I really don’t want my kids seeing me on my phone all the time!

    1. Needlework, jigsaw puzzle, Lego set (they have awesome new ones that are flower arrangements!), baking, paint by number.

      1. I really enjoy the Lego flower sets! I did a wildflower bouquet during a winter storm last year and it sits on our mantle. I did a small dafodil one and put it in my cube at work.

    2. I took up needlepoint last year and love it. It’s very easy to pick up and put down.

  30. I am trying to lose weight but it just keeps going up…. literally bought a dress a for an event 6 weeks and now it’s too tight in the bust. If anyone here has recs for a minimizer bra, I need them! I’ve never worn one before but I just want to feel confident and pretty in this dress rather than frumpy like I have been all year. TIA
    I am a size 36DDD & the bra needs to comfortable enough to wear for a 6-7 hour event.

    1. Honestly I would exchange the dress for the next size up. Life is too short to wear clothes that are too small.

      1. That is how I aspire to be, but not there just yet. :(
        Also, in this case, the dress has been purchased & tailored abroad, so there’s not time for letting the seam out.

    3. When were you last fitted? DDD is a size that is verrrry often mis-sized. Recommend using the abrathatfits calculator with a soft measuring tape at home!

      1. Last month! I had been wearing the wrong size up until then, too many sizes too small.

  31. Sudoku, books, magazines

    I recently deleted X from my phone and started keeping myself logged out of Facebook.com and it’s wild how many times I reach for my phone to go to those sites.

  32. Help – would appreciate your recs for a good night sleep for someone who has sleep/pain issues like me.

    I need a mattress and want to buy one this month. I’m single. I’ll pay what it takes to get a good night sleep.

    Comfort is the main concern. I have a lot of arthritis/back issues. I sleep on a mix of my side/soft turns/briefly on back. I can’t tolerate sleeping on my back much anymore, but maybe that’s because my mattress is so bad? I have support pillows everywhere around me. Literally 2 body pillows and more and know how to position myself for adequate support. Last straw is new mattress…..

    1. I love my Sleep Number mattress. It sounds like some sort of gimmick for the elderly, but it really helps me avoid waking up in pain every morning.

    3. No one has ever had anything but compliments for my firm latex/coil hybrid mattress.

    4. I got the recommendation for Saatva years ago from this board and it was crazy to buy something so expensive sight unseen, but honestly the best purchase we’ve made in the last five years. Specifically we bought the split king adjustable leaf and loom.

    5. I adore my Purple mattress. Also a side/back sleeper that turns over several times during the night.

  33. Does anyone have a recommendation for a resume editor familiar with the legal market? I’m in NYC in local government but not sure that matters. Someone who can work with me fast because some position deadlines are coming up soon.

    2. I would not use ChatGPT.

      If you are a recent grad, your law school’s alumni office may provide this service to you. If you are not a recent grad, this is what your network is for — ask a former colleague you trust. I’ve done this for at least a half dozen junior associates who were quietly trying to leave their firm.

  34. Looking for recommendations for a slip on warm/shearling-lined indoor clog/slipper that is comfortable worn with socks or tights (so no slippery/smooth inside sole and a “roomy” style). In the US, budget about $100 or so. Would ideally like something that can work as a dash-outdoors shoe (meaning it has a real external sole that grips in snow, rain, slush, etc.) but while not being super frumpy if possible. I’ve been looking at second-hand Gucci Princetons as a possible, and of course Uggs/Birkenstock clogs, but any other options out there?

      2. I have these and they are great but I would get the ones that don’t have leather laces, e.g. not the moccasins – they will NOT stay tied and it is really annoying to constantly retie them. (If anyone has a solution please share.)

        1. A dab of Fray Check (or superglue, if you don’t have a stash of sewing supplies) on the knot saves sanity.

    5. honestly, I wear socks with Crocs for this. much more control over how hot/cold it is any one day. I try not to wear them outdoors for errands as I wear them around the house, but if I do, they can be easily washed.

    7. I have Therafit slippers that I really like. They have some arch support, which is nice.

    8. Rubber sole Glerups would fit the bill here. Felted wool interior rather than shearing, but warm and comfortable both with and without socks.

    9. I have UGG moccasin-type slippers with lugged-type soles, but they are men’s shoes that I bought in my size. I have wide feet, and I was tired of squeezing them into narrow shoes/slippers. I think maybe the Ascot style, which is currently $110 on their website. Good luck!

  35. What happens if you call in a road rage incident? I had a vehicle stop and block traffic, then get out of their truck to approach and scream at me today. I called 911 and gave them the plate number and their home address (I have seen this vehicle before and know where they live).

    I honked when they passed me in zero-visibility no passing zone in our rural area, which is what triggered the screaming session. Honking at least gives oncoming traffic a chance if they can hear it…

    1. I’m sorry this happened to you. I imagine what happens depends on your jurisdiction, how busy the police are, whether this is the first time they’ve gotten this kind of report for these plates, etc. Thank you for calling it in. Even if not much is done this time (and I hope something will be done!) it’s immensely helpful to build the record of someone behaving in such an unhinged way.

  36. My birthday is on Inauguration Day. I do not want to spend it watching Trump’s inauguration, like I did in 2016. I was planning on spending it in DC to watch our first female president being sworn in (yes that’s me.) Any ideas for something special I can do on my birthday to distract me from inauguration stuff? I was thinking of planning a family trip to San Diego or something but we will be traveling over Xmas to visit family so DH may not want to have two family trips so close together. I will also be going on a girls’ trip later in the year and another trip with a friend in the summer to celebrate our milestone birthdays. So maybe a solo trip on my birthday that is not depressing?

    1. I love traveling solo. I have no intention of watching the inauguration. Plan a trip, go to a show, have a nice brunch, do whatever you want on your day even if it means doing it alone.

    2. I’d travel solo. A spa retreat like Miraval where you’re cut off from the internet would be perfect.

    3. Cruise ships do not have internet access unless you pay extra :) might be a good way to unplug

      1. They skew Trumpier than a lot of other forms of travel though, so I expect you’d see some celebrations on board. It wouldn’t be my choice for how to spend inauguration weekend.

    5. I am not a big birthday person, but would love to spend the day at a fancy spa with no news playing.

    6. Do you ski? I’ve spent a couple inaugurations on a mountain, and it is the best.

    7. Where do you live? Maybe a solo trip to Toronto or Vancouver. One thing for sure, spend no $$ in that vast swath of red.

    8. For a second, I thought “(yes, that’s me)” in the context of that sentence meant you were Kamala Harris outing yourself, haha.

      1. Hahaha. I can see her reading here if this site had existed back when she was just a regular DA.

    9. Nice woodsy resort cabin rental? With a couple of appointments at the local spa for a massage and a facial? And bring a pile of books and jigsaw puzzles.

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