Coffee Break: Lightweight Tote
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Readers obviously love their shoes — the Point, the square toe, the three different loafers — but Rothy's also has great bags. I got a red crossbody from them a year or so ago, and love how lightweight yet sturdy it is.
This black and cream stripey tote is gorgeous, and I think would add some style to almost any outfit. It's $179, at Rothy's.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
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can anyone recommend some VERY soft to the touch ear muffs? nothing scratchy. muffling sound is actually the goal, not warmth. (My son has sensitive hearing but won’t wear any of the thousands of ear defenders I’ve bought him.)
Would over the ear safety muffs be an option? The over the ear ones are much more comfortable than the on the ear flavor.
Can you sew at all or know someone who does (please pay them)? If so you can make little covers for the ear defenders out of flannel or another soft fabric, it’s a really easy sewing project basically just a circle of fabric with a channel for elastic.
As someone who also has sensory issues, I absolutely can’t stand to wear any kind of over the head ear muff style head phones, but I’m okay with regular ear plugs, noise cancelling ear buds, and soft hats that cover my ears, so maybe try those instead?
Have you asked him what soft means to him? Silk can be very soft, but he might think it’s cold and slippery. Real fur like rabbit or shearling lamb can be very soft, but he might think their are icky or that the hairs itch. Thin polyester fleece can be very soft, but he might pick up on the drying effect. Alpaca suri wool, merino wool, camel hair wool, lots of very soft natural fibers – but somebody’s soft is another’s super itchy. I’m not trying to be contrary, just trying to point to ways the previous ones might have not worked out.
I would try either real lamb shearling ear muffs, or faux fur. I don’t know what’s local to you, but Arket has some navy blue faux fur ear muffs for kids. H&M has some lilac ones that look very soft. Dutch brand Barts have lots of faux fur, available on Amazon.
Money help? I went through a terrible breakup early this year and then had a work whirlwind. I get a week off in early December. I really want and need to get my finances in order. I haven’t tracked anything for business deductions (mileage, lunches with clients – my CPA told me he wants a list), I honestly am not sure if I paid a parking ticket from this summer, I know I’m in a bad place but I feel overwhelmed even though it’s just me, no spouse or kids. I have two credit cards that are fully paid each month, a checking and savings account at two different banks (four accounts). My CPA told me to setup a money market for the money that’s sitting there waiting to be paid in April for my taxes. I just feel like it’s a lot. Any advice or success stories for unf***ing your financial life? I have a positive balance in every account but have probably spent way more this year than expected, so I’m not on the brink of bankruptcy but I honestly can’t tell you what I’ve been spending or where receipts are, etc.
In case this helps, I managed to set up a high yield savings account, a treasury direct account, and buy a CD from my existing bank app while in an Uber on the way to the airport. I did it all from my iphone. Same as you, I’m stashing tax money due in April. This is a Just Do The Thing moment where it takes less time than you think it will.
https://treasurydirect.gov/ you can put up to $10K of that money in an inflation-adjusted treasury i bond today.
Do this one thing and then the rest will be easier.
Same – I’ve really done a lot between the Vanguard and Capital One apps. I don’t honestly think you’re in that messy a situation. Not knowing where your receipts are a problem for business purporses, but you can export your credit card data and figure it out there. In terms of not knowing your spending as long as you are paying everything off on time and saving that’s fine.
It sounds like you run your own business, and part of what is complicating this is the business vs. personal expenses. Is that something your CPA could help with?
Give yourself a bit of grace. You’re disorganized, but nothing you wrote there is that bad. The business deductions – worst case scenario is you end up not claiming as much as you might have been entitled to had you been a bit more organized. Cut your losses, submit what you can and move on. It’s not a big deal.
A money market for what’s sitting there? The amount of interest you’ll earn between now and April is minimal and as long as you have the money to pay your taxes when you need to pay them, it truly doesn’t matter if it’s in a money market or in a mayonnaise jar in your back yard.
You’re paying your bills, your cards are paid in full each month. You’re doing fine. Everything he’s talking about are optimizations, not essentials.
Call whatever agency handles parking tickets and find out the status during your off-time, so you can ensure it’s paid and there aren’t any knock-on effects if it’s not like a suspended driver’s license.
Deep breath – you’re doing okay.
Aw how kind of you!
Slightly different approach from Anon at 2:25:
– set aside two half-days in early December to devote to this
– between now and then, any time you come across a piece of paper related to money, put it in the same box/bag/drawer/whatever
– think about what you want your end-state to be (it sounds like: checking and savings account (6-12 months living expenses) at the same institution, tax-advantaged retirement account (either 401K or equivalent at work or IRA at the same institution), plus brokerage account at the same institution if you have investable money after that. Limit yourself to research 2-3 possible institutions (I’ll plug Schwab and USAA (if you’re eligible) and then choose one.
– First half-day: organize all the paper you collected, make one pile for things you need to do (pay that parking ticket, e.g.), once papers are organized make a list of all your deductions.
– Second half-day: open the new accounts you chose, move everything where it belongs, set up auto-transfers for any account that needs them, close old accounts.
– Extra credit additional half-day: set up whatever system works for you to keep statements etc where they belong and money where it belongs, as much on auto-transfer as possible.
GOOD LUCK.
+1. I would add that if you own your own business or are an independent contractor, I would open up a new credit care for business expenses. It doesn’t have to be a business credit card, but keeping those expenses on a separate card will make it easier to track them in the future.
You can pay the parking ticket online. Do an internet search for the city and “unpaid parking tickets.” Most every municipality makes it easy to take your money. :)
(True story – I once paid, gulp, a years-old ticket this way.)
You don’t need to un-eff anything, it sounds like you’re in a really good place.
Need to vent somewhere random for a minute: if my best friend’s husband doesn’t stop being such a manbaby, I might scream. She’s pregnant with #2 and he is too afraid or apathetic or SOMETHING to talk to his HR department about what leave he qualifies for when the baby is born. He’d literally rather just not find out and not take leave rather than have a quick conversation or send a quick email (and trust me, he will never Google anything on his own). This is just the tip of the iceberg and I wish she would leave him. So much of her life with him is struggling with things that are non-issues for most couples.
Was he different before? She did choose to tether herself to him.
He probably doesn’t want to take the leave.
+1
I’m sure he doesn’t. He’s very selfish and childish. Anything requiring responsibility or putting someone else’s needs first is beyond him.
My assumption would be he does not actually want to take time off and does not want to admit that.
I am also going to put out there that her life is unlikely to be easier as a single mother of two than married to a man who is not as helpful or proactive as you think he should be. This is not to say he is not insufficiently helpful or proactive but a lot of people put up with a lot in their spouses because they want to be or stay married.
It depends on if he’s just useless or also making more work for her. I have a hard time seeing how he wouldn’t be making more work, but its possible
OP here and he’s definitely making more work for her all the time. She’s the breadwinner and the only one who makes/researches/completes any tasks for their kid. He will change diapers and babysit but makes none of the adult decisions at all – things like when appointments should be scheduled or which daycare to choose and so on. He also leaves garbage all over the house and doesn’t handle any household tasks requiring brainpower.
Interesting that you use the word babysit and not parent.
3:51 – I think that is literally what he is doing. He is not parenting, because he doesn’t take ownership of the duty.
I would encourage her to work with what she has because leaving while pregnant with a toddler will be tough. That means loading up on work he is willing and able to do. Maybe she has to instacart the groceries to the house but he can put them away. Help her develop a one week of meals planned so she can have a ‘go to ‘ grocery list. Is it ideal if he is just putting a frozen lasagna in the oven or a pot of pasta with a jar of canned sauce? No – put she needs to focus on survival mode and that will feed her, toddler and him.
Support her in realizing that there isn’t always one perfect decision – make the appointments and change them if something intervenes, pick any registered daycare and switch if i doesn’t work. Good enough is enough right now. There are loads of books out there on helping men understand fair distribution of labour better – Fair Play is one of them. But realistically not a lot will change until she is at least a few month postpartum.
I won’t be offering her any more advice – it’s at a stalemate (her own words) and she knows that he is not motivated to change and has shown no willingness to find motivation. She has tried EVERYTHING over the years already – Fair Play, couples counseling, you name it. Right now it’s just limiting the damage and venting to her friends. I feel bad for her and want more for her.
She’s making her own (admittedly crummy) choices and I assume chose to have a second kid with an unhelpful husband. I would highly suggest, for your own sanity, to disentangle yourself from this because it’s only going to get messier. Your friends’ husband sounds exactly like my BIL. Even after a separation, he hasn’t changed, and my sister is staying with him for Reasons. Some legit, some that I wouldn’t put up with. It is a total sh!tshow, she knows it’s a sh!tshow, she knows she deserves better, but other than being a listening ear, there’s not much I can do.
Is your friend staying with him for financial stability? Because that’s a factor more often than I think we sometimes realize, even when both partners have full time steady jobs.
No, it’s not for financial stability – he makes close to minimum wage in a dead-end job and has no savings/is dependent on her. She stays with him because she’s afraid to be alone and because she’s heavier, so she’s dealt with a lifetime of insecurity that she’ll never “keep a man.” I wish she could see that she’s awesome and fun and caring and a good mom and that there are better men out there who will appreciate that.
And yes, definitely extricating myself from a lot of the direct convos (and so is a mutual friend). Ranting here is an exception.
Yeah, “he will . . . . babysit” tells you all you need to know about him.
I get that a lot of people want to stay married to man-babies for all kinds of reasons, and I’m totally fine with that. It’s their life. But I disagree that her life wouldn’t be easier as a single mom of two. She currently has to take care of two kids and a man baby. Based on the limited info we know, I highly doubt he helps around the house so that’s one more person to cook for and clean up after. Almost every women I know he has gotten divorced from a man like this has told me that they have vastly less work now.
Not my experience knowing actual single mothers.
The average American single mother, maybe not, but the average educated, affluent single mother reading here will definitely be better off. Anyone who has money will be able to outsource a lot more post-divorce. For some reason, men who are unwilling to help clean, cook or parent also seem unwilling to pay for help with these things — maybe because it makes them feel guilty?
Finances play such a huge role. Living in poverty as a single mother can be much harder than being married to a manbaby in a two income household.
Agree. The mental load is completely exhausting but OP notes above that he changes diapers and watches the kid. That is very different from a single parent who has no one to help at all.
Not saying the divorce isn’t the right route for OP’s friend down the line but the baby years are quite heavy on the physical work so it’s not necessarily easier to bear that responsibility on her own. Finding and retaining childcare beyond 9-5 is hard and expensive.
Even with professional jobs in the picture, the financial impact of a family maintaining two households can stop a lot of people from ending terrible marriages. A combined income that works fine for a dual income couple looks quite different when split.
She’s the breadwinner in the family, so this isn’t a two-income professional family.
To the OP: You might gently suggest therapy, in the unlikely event a non-provocative opportunity arises, given what seems to be her low self esteem, if only to set a better example for her children. Good luck just being there for her — you are a good friend.
Life is likely to be easier not harder without the dead weight of a useless spouse. Don’t underestimate the mental toll of having another adult in the house who COULD help but chooses not to, who makes you feel like you’re the problem because you’re either too demanding or you don’t tell him how to help, who creates messes that he just doesn’t “see” and on the rare occasion he cleans up he throws away or misplaces important things. PLUS if divorce means he’s taking the kids a couple days a week, mom actually gets free time, which is probably way more than she’s getting now.
Somewhat small example: making dinner was a huge issue with my ex even though we split up the week into my/his nights. I like to cook but hate shopping or cooking much during the week, so dinners on my nights were meticulously planned ahead to avoid waste and make sure we had all ingredients. My ex was inconsistent; sometimes he would stay at happy hour late on his nights and act like it’s nbd to start dinner at 10 pm what’s my problem. There would be no food in the house because he didn’t plan ahead (and this was usually toward the end of the week when I’d already cooked all my meals). Or he would use the ingredients I got for my dinners and not replenish them, so I had to do last minute grocery shopping. An outsider might think it was harder on me to cook all dinners myself instead of splitting them. But no, it was so much more peaceful to not have the constant uncertainty of whether he was going to do what he promised, will I have to figure out something healthy for myself at the last minute which I hate doing, will my food still be there when I get home or will I have to turn around and make a surprise grocery store trip because he couldn’t bother to tell me he’d used up all the chicken or whatever. Dinner is no longer a source of stress and I suspect it’s less time consuming overall because I don’t have to make surprise extra grocery trips or figure out what can I make with whatever random ingredients I have in my pantry.
OP here and I’m wondering if you’re my friend based on the dead accuracy of your description…it’s so sad.
You can’t just split into his/her nights. You have to agree what time dinner is and what is being made (so you don’t end up eating the same thing two nights in a row).
Grocery shopping and/or delivery is also a totally separate household task. Just because someone is cooking doesn’t mean that they are shopping for the items unless that’s what the agreed household practice is. DH does all the in person shopping, I do all the grocery delivery ordering and putting away. It’s not divided by meal at all.
Marriage is not unlike a roommate relationship on the house hold side. You have to agree on who is doing what and what the standard is. ‘Cook dinner’ means wildly different things to different people. DH would rather cook a detailed Jamie Oliver pasta recipe using specific veggies and like every pot and is unbothered by eating at 8:30pm and I’d rather eat at 6:30pm on a weeknight and just use a great dried pasta and Trader Joe’s sauce. Neither is right or wrong. But you have to know what the other person is looking for and find the compromise. Like in our house DH does all the dishwashes no matter who cooks because he is super messy in the kitchen but that still involves a convo about does ‘do the dishes’ mean that the dishwasher is run every night and the extras left in the sink to be added in the morning or does it means everything is washed and put away.
Making it work long term also means a lot of ebb and flow on reviewing who is responsible for what especially after major life changes like a new baby, new pet or a move or new job.
This is such a smug married response. The person you’re responding to was not asking for advice and isn’t even in this relationship anymore. You’re coming off like you’re criticizing her for not uSiNg hEr wORdS and making it work with a guy who would stay at the bar until 10 pm on a night he agreed to make dinner.
She’s not wrong tho. . . Maybe he wasn’t the person to make it work with, but there’s nothing wrong with her advice.
He’s probably out drinking because she’s a crazy person who is made he cooked with the groceries in his house. I would drink too if I cooked dinner and my husband told me I used the wrong groceries
There’s an instagram account called ThatDarnChat who does tons of videos on relationships like this.
I agree with this (“a lot of people put up with a lot in their spouses because they want to be or stay married”) but there are many reasons for wanting to stay married besides having an easier life. If you have a manbaby husband your life will often be easier as a single mom. If nothing else, those with financial means can hire a lot more help post-divorce, because often the manbaby husband is against paying for enough help.
OP, my best friend is the same way. She commented to me once when she was pregnant with #2 that it was so nice that her DH had started spending a few minutes a day solo with their then-2 year old to give her a break. !!?!? A few minutes a day? My husband spent more than that with our kids from the birth of the first one. And pregnancy is really hard on my friend physically, she deserved way more than just a couple minutes a day to herself while she was carrying his child. He also did not take any paternity leave, but that’s the least of his sins as far as I’m concerned.
Every divorced mother I know says life is easier post-divorce. Granted, they all have good white collar jobs and are not struggling to pay the bills. I’m sure SAHMs or women who work very part-time face a much tougher decision because of the financial piece. But if you can afford to walk away, life should get better.
Same here. Every single divorced mom.
Come here to vent as much as you want. Support her by gently asking questions like what are her plans for childcare if he doesn’t take time off. Maybe get a list of therapists who specialize in post-partum issues so you have names ready to give her if she struggles after the birth. Encourage her to keep older kid in full time or at least part time childcare even if the budget is very tight. That will allow her to nap when the baby naps and sleep helps everything.
Realistically I wouldn’t expect her to make any kind of decision on leaving him until at least a year after she goes back to work. Pregnancy is a huge physical and emotional challenge and so is the first year of babyhood.
As someone whose DH took 6 months off unpaid after 1st kid and a year after 2nd kid – if he wanted to be off, he’d be all over figuring it out. I would be shocked if he changes. Encourage her to try and get him to agree to specific non-baby related chores so at least he’s pulling his weight on the household side – like emptying/loading the dishwasher every night and making dinner at least 3x a week. He can order take out on Friday and cook on Saturday and Sunday.
Randomly: to the poster whose husband took you to lunch and randomly started daydreaming out loud about how great divorce would be because you could still see each other all the time and vacation together… you’ve been in my thoughts. Give us an update if you get a chance…
Follow ups are great. I was happy to see the post from the woman whose verbally abusive husband moved away, even though I don’t remember her initial post!
I would love an update from the woman who posted that she never let herself be happy and would do things like not start a podcast because “why bother, I’ll just get interrupted.”
Wow WTF. If anyone could find the link to that post please share. I feel like I must be misreading something.
that was pretty much it.
The consensus was that this was a trial run at “should we divorce” conversation and he was already halfway out the door.
Thank you to the NYC restaurant recommenders! We went to Schnipper’s for dinner and it hit the spot! Also, the Harry Potter show is amazing!
Do you have a favorite water bottle to recommend? My “car” plastic water bottle broke and I’m looking for a replacement. Criteria: would like to switch to insulated bottle so it doesn’t warm up, fits into cup holder, easy to open with one hand (not a twist cap), doesn’t have to look professional ;) TIA
A few years ago a friend gave me a 24 oz Under Armour thermos and it’s great. Easy to grab, top flips up both one finger, still has ice after 24 hours even left in my car overnight. They carry them at Amazon. I’ve dropped it numerous times and it hasn’t dented and it hasn’t leaked in my bag.
Honestly? A Stanley 40oz cup thing (yes it’s basic, whatever). I’ve left mine in my car overnight in the summer and got into the car in the morning and there was STILL ice in it. Or I left it in the car all day and the water was still cold after work. The straw is a game changer for being able to sip while driving.
The smaller one that’s more like a tumbler with a straw would probably work best for day to day usage!
if it is literally for driving in the car, this is where i love my stanley the most
+1 on the Stanley 40oz
I like my Stanley cup in the car, but also the Owala water bottle would work! You just push a button to flip the top up. I use it for traveling (throwing in my backpack).
Hydroflask
Contigo
I have had a variety of cups in the car and my one must is a straw lid.
I like the S’well brand metal water bottle. It’s slim enough to slip into a tote quite easily or walk around and swig from.
What are lawyers wearing in limited jurisdiction state courtrooms these days? I haven’t been in a courtroom since the Before Times. I am guessing that sheath dress + blazer is out and people are wearing pantsuits with wide-legged pants? And where can I find a wool suit with lined pants that isn’t Talbots?
I’ve been buying lined wool pants since I know my BR size on eBay.
Literally the same stuff as before. We can’t all afford brand new clothes and it doesn’t matter and no one cares. It’s court look suit like.
+1. People are wearing the same suits that they were wearing before – me included. I don’t think most judges care whether your suit is on trend. They care that you are in a suit in good condition because you respect the court as an institution.
Courtroom lawyers all dress the same as before. I have never seen a lawyer wear wide legged pants in court, even they are popular at the office.
I wear sheath, straight leg pants, or a skirt with a matching or coordinating blazer.
Older women are wearing the same precovid short blazer with pencil skirts or trousers. Many are doing the dress with a blazer. Younger and more stylish women are doing the fashionable wide leg thing but you won’t look out of style with Before Times clothes. I wish I still fit into my older clothes because they were better quality.
+1 to all this. The only change I’ve notice is more sensible shoes.
Yes, chunky-heeled, wide enough, and non-pointy-toed shoes for the win in court!
What would you do/say?
Long story short: My grandmother’s will made generous gifts to my cousin and me as her only two living grandchildren. It was her stated, but not legally binding, desire that we would use that money to help fund our children’s (we each have one) college education. I used it for that purpose and there is enough left over for graduate school. (My grandmother was not wealthy but she and my grandfather bought a house in a VHCOL area in the 50s.)
My cousin’s daughter is looking at colleges and spoke to my daughter about it (they are not super close but they are friendly). I was not part of that discussion but I understand the subject of my grandmother’s bequest came up. It never occurred to my daughter that my cousin’s daughter was in a different position or she might have been more discreet, but apparently, my cousin and her husband made different choices and told their daughter that they would not pay more than tuition at community college for two years, followed by tuition at local university for two years. She is expected to live at home the entire time or take out loans but they will not fill out the parent income section of the loan application. Notably, they make more than I do but given their house/cars etc. I suspect they also spend a lot more.
We are all seeing each other next week and my cousin called in a fury and wants me and my daughter to come up with a story to tell her daughter about how my daughter “misunderstood” or lie about the amount of money.
They are certainly entitled to do what they want with that money but my daughter clearly remembers her grandmother (much more than my cousin’s daughter who was only 11 when she died and lived farther away) and is not inclined to tell lies about the subject. However, we also do not want WWIII at Thanksgiving dinner, particularly as my uncle is not in good health (which is the only reason I am not skipping).
Thoughts?
Do not lie, your cousin needs to own her decision
+1
I think the truth is your friend here. There was a bequest to both you and your cousin. You were legally free to do whatever you wanted with it. You understood from your grandmother that she wanted it to go to education, but there was nothing legally binding and of course, you can’t possibly speak to any private conversations that your cousin may have had with her grandmother. Your family chose to use it for college. Your cousin may have made different choices. The end.
Exactly this.
+1.
I would not bring it up. Full stop. If you want to keep the peace, perhaps let
Your cousin know your and your daughter will not bring it up next week.
Perhaps, if asked directly by your cousins daughter, say “this is really a discussion you should have with your parents” and be done with it.
As you said, your grandmother suggested what to do with the money, but did not insist. Your cousin made a different choice than you did and that’s nobody’s business but hers.
This is exactly how I would handle it.
this is not on you and your daughter, this is on your cousin, and her husband. if i understand correctly this is your daughter’s great grandmother? and is your Uncle your cousin’s father or someone else? not like that really matters, but i don’t think you and your daughter need to come to Thanksgiving with a story, I think you just don’t bring it up and if it comes up and someone asks you directly, you can just say “this is what I remember and what I decided to do” and make only “I” statements. And your daughter can just say that this was what I was told/remember.
I would definitely not lie, nor would I actively bring the subject up. I doubt the daughter would bring it up or her parents since they clearly don’t want to be found out. It could be an icy event with regards to your cousin, but you’re there for your uncle so that’s what I’d focus on. That said if they did bring it up (“that silly memory OP had of what grandma gifted”) I would 100% hold firm and honest in honor of my grandmother and just say that they may have chosen to make a different choice but this was your understood intentions of the gift and ones you were able to and interested in accommodating but of course deciding to do differently in their family was their prerogative.
Are you 100% sure your grandmother made equal bequests? Sometimes a person’s verbal statements don’t match the written will (my dad found that out the hard way!) If you’re sure of the amount of money your cousin got, I agree with what others have said: don’t bring it up, but you and your daughter don’t need to lie.
I am sure they were equal bequests (I saw the final accounting.)
I sent my cousin a text and told her I would certainly not bring it up but we were also not going to make up some story or tell lies – particularly since my grandmother’s statements that she was leaving my cousin and me money so that we would not have to worry about the cost of college for our daughters were heard by multiple other people who will also be at Thanksgiving. I also suggested that explaining her rationale to her daughter was up to her and I hoped they could get it resolved before it upsets her father (who would be very upset).
I know why she didn’t – but I really wish Gamma had put the money in a trust!
When people ask you to lie it’s because they don’t want to have to explain the truth.
I’m not sure what you mean by the cousin’s parents won’t complete the parent income section of the parent loan application. Parents can certainly refuse to cosign a loan, but parents (even noncustodial parents) must fill out the FAFSA and CSS Profile which are required even for grants or need based financial aid. The CSS profile also considers parents’ assets, not just income.
Pressed enter too soon! I guess it could mean they won’t be applying for financial aid, but that seems like a shame because the cousin could be eligible for merit scholarships or grants that also require these documents. Community college in my state is free for students with a particular GPA or test score.
I have a friend who needed financial aid but his dad wouldn’t provide info he needed for FAFSA. His loans are private and are $$$$
Right, private loans are different. A student can potentially take those out on their own, subject to their credit worthiness. But any need based (like Pell grant) or merit based (scholarships based on GPA/test scores/class rank/some other skill) will require both of those applications.
I’ve been a volunteer alumna interviewer for my undergrad alma mater for several decades…we recently had to do an updated training after the SCOTUS decision overturning affirmative action. There was a lot of info about financial aid in there, so just sharing what I learned!
Federal loans also require those forms. Some states have loans too. My alma mater is in MA, which has loans through the state dept of ed. Schools may also offer institutional loans. All are better than private loans, and all but private loans require financial aid forms to be completed.
You have to do a FAFSA in order to apply for private scholarships? You can’t just apply directly to the organization that handles those scholarships? That’s so invasive.
The forms are required for add, but parents are not legally required to fill them out. Yes, it’s an a$$hole move on the parents’ part but there are too many parents who still refuse to complete the forms
Yep, it’s a seriously stupid move especially if the student would be eligible for free or reduced tuition based on their achievements.
Yup. I know people whose parents refused. D!ck move but not illegal.
It’s not an a-hole move if you’re planning to just pay the room, board, and tuition. Which I realize isn’t the case in OP’s situation.
A lot of you haven’t paid for college recently and it shows! The bar is very very high (meaning low) to get anything beyond loans now. Save for your kids’ college, people!
It’s actually the opposite – there is a lot more aid available to middle and upper middle class families than there was 20 or 30 years ago. Many Ivies have raised the income cutoff for free tuition to $100k or more (and there is often significant aid available well above the income cutoffs for free tuition). I know people here skew very, very wealthy, but a HHI of $150k is very comfortable in many parts of the country, and still gets you huge financial aid at elite private colleges. At Harvard for example you would pay only $15k in tuition on that income, which – while not free – is a HUGE discount from the sticker price of $56k.
Some states or universities provide merit aid without them. I suspect that the parents really have their heads in the sand about college.
Actually, parents don’t have to complete the form (they are supposed to, but if they refuse there is no remedy). Which we learned when my SD’s mother just said, “no” when asked to complete the FAFSA. We couldn’t tell whether it was because she didn’t want us to know about her assets (she hid a house during the divorce) or because she was just too disorganized to get it together (she has paperwork issues).
I wonder if this has changed. The training I was just on said students under 24 must have their parents complete it, even non custodial parents, unless there’s proof of something unusual like abuse…which seems backwards to me given 18 year olds are adults. It’s possible that school decided to give their own private/institutional scholarships anyway. My alma mater was very explicit that the app is required even to be considered for scholarships, not just federal loans that absolutely require it. It could be a school by school policy.
The training meant “must” as in “the parent must fill it out or else you won’t get any money from us.” But it’s not like the good parent police are coming to the house and ensuring that the parent fills it out.
You don’t have to fill out the form if you have no expectation of financial aid. I didn’t do it for my kids. They wouldn’t have qualified simply because they had 529 accounts adequate (or close to adequate) for in-state tuition, room and board. And if they had qualified, it would have been all loans anyway.
It’s a condition for private aid at many schools. We will not qualify for any federal aid, but even on our upper middle class income (~$200k) we could get significant aid at some of the top tier private schools. It seems silly not to even fill it out! The worst that happens is you wasted a bit of time.
My daughter was accepted to one SLAC and the aid was 100% need-based even there. She could try to apply for external aid but everything the college gave was need-based.
Both my kids went to public universities in the end, so it was moot. My daughter graduated and is in grad school, and her financial aid is based on her own finances, not parental, which I understand is typical for graduate level education. The aid is all loans anyway. My son is still in undergrad at a UC, and I know for a fact he wouldn’t qualify for any aid, not only because of his 529, but because we have savings meant for retirement that are not in IRAs or 401ks or other “off limits” savings vehicles.
I think need-based aid from the college often requires filling out the FAFSA though. That’s my point. There are certainly people who aren’t going to receive any aid even from the most generous schools, but a surprising number of upper middle class people qualify these days (especially compared to when elder millennials/Gen Xers went to college) so I think it’s worth filling out even if you’re not “low income.”
The grad school thing must be a recent change? In the early 2000s I had to supply my parents’ info on the financial aid forms for law school and got zero need-based aid as a result (I did it on a combo of merit scholarship, private loans and a bit of parental help). I don’t really get how treating incoming grad students as financially independent from their parents would work though – wouldn’t nearly all early 20-somethings qualify for full aid, especially if they’re going straight through from college?
I’m going to guess that your daughter said something like, “but what about the money Grandma left us for college?” and then things got confusing. I’d maybe just make it clear that Grandma left *the cousins* money, *my family* decided a long time ago to use it for college… and the money never belonged to the teenagers.
Not your circus not your monkeys. Unless you’re going to step up and pay for your nieces college tuition, it’s not your business. It sucks and it’s shitty, but that money is spent.
PS I mean, don’t bring it up, don’t elaborate, but also don’t lie. Your cousin can own her decision to her own daughter.
If you had $5k in cash doing nothing for you right now, would you put it in the S&P, in a 10 month CD @ 5.3% or an I bond?
is your emergency fund a little low, or you have a possible use in 12 months for $5k cash that you wouldn’t otherwise have: then put it in a CD
if your emergency fund is a little low and you don’t intend to do anything with the money for 18mo-30 years: ibond
the S&P is very high right now i think but i’d probably stick it there.
Nah, this is actually the extra / overflow cash from. My emergency fund that needs a home.
CD -rates are grerat
Depends.
If it isn’t earmarked for anything in particular and you won’t touch it for decades, S&P.
If you think you might need it in the next couple of years, CD.
If you think you might want to use it for educational expenses and you qualify for the income limits, I-Bond.
I am currently throwing all extra money in 10 month 5.3% CapitalOne CDs, but my husband is anticipating a potential (significant) pay cut starting in 2025 so we want cash on hand for that.
I bond
Please help me with a maddening iPhone tech support question. Last week, I was able to take an e-mail from my Gmail app and turn it into an event in my Google Calendar app through the three-dot menu on the upper right of the e-mail and selecting “create event.” Then the event would auto populate in my Calendar app and it would have an option to “view source email” from the calendar event if I wanted. I can’t do that this week – no “create event” option – and my many searches have not led to any answers. How do I get this feature back??
It’s not detecting a date and time in your email in the form it’s looking for to suggest a calendar event.
Tell me if I overreacted. I had a tough day yesterday and decided to have a glass or two of wine in the evening. I don’t usually drink during the week, it messes with my sleep, plus I’m trying to lose weight. We had an open bottle with less than one glass left, which I finished first, and then opened another bottle intending to have 1 glass. DH decided to have some wine too. We were chilling on the couch watching TV, but I was also doing some errands like dishes and laundry and such. I was so proud of myself for nursing my glass of wine for a couple of hours. DH picks up the bottle and moves to refill my glass and I said no I only wanted one glass. He empties the bottle into his glass – there’s just a few drops left. I was shocked that “he” managed to drink most of a bottle so quickly. I only had one glass! He said no, he’s been topping me off all night.
I was so upset. My glass was never close to empty, it’s not as if it was empty and I got up and when I got back the glass was magically full and I should’ve known. I guess I should’ve kept better track, but I was taking small sips and I really didn’t think he would secretly top me off every time I walked out of the room. I have no clue how much I actually drank. In fairness I never told him, I only want one more glass don’t refill, but I kind of think I shouldn’t have to? Now I’m wondering if this is a common occurrence. Last night I told him I was upset but I was tipsy and didn’t want to fight so I just went to bed. Should I let it lie or should I say something when I get home?
At home DH and I top up each other’s glasses all the time, so this wouldn’t bother me. However in a business context topping up someones wine is definitely not okay.
I think it is common for people to top off everyone’s glass. Next time, just be clear that you only want one glass and I would expect him to honor that.
You never told him you only wanted one glass. Sharing the bottle is common courtesy. He’s not a mind reader. think you’re overreacting. Next time just use your words.
+1 this is a stupid thing to pick a fight over, and that is exactly what OP is itching to do.
+1
+2.
+3
I would just communicate with him. Tell him that he shouldn’t refill your wine glass in the future… .that you will do it if you want to.
Do you want this to be some sort of fight/conflict?
Do you think he was trying to get you drunk?!?
Because it sounds to me like he was having a nice evening relaxing with wine and you…. and thoughtfully refilling your glass… feeling guilty you were doing all the housework too (!).
+1. I mean typically my husband and I ask, but topping each other off feels very normal (and in many ways is seen as the polite thing to do – you’re serving the other person before pouring more for yourself!).
“I’m reducing the amount I drink so no more top offs for me!”
I understand your disappointment, but he couldn’t have known what you wanted.
In Senior Attorney’s words – assume good intentions. He probably saw that you were enjoying the wine and thought you would want more. Just let him know that in the future he should not top off without asking first.
The only situation where this would raise my hackles is if he has engaged in other behavior which attempts to sneakily impact your weight loss goals or if he has been making negative commentary about your goals. In that case, there may be an element of intentionality here that you need to address.
+1. I’m a lightweight so I’ll get sick if I don’t keep track of how much I drink. My SO and family have standing orders never to top off my drink. Personally I think it’s a bad idea to top off without asking. There are many reasons someone could want to monitor their alcohol consumption: stay under the legal limit to drive, avoid getting sick or a hangover, weight loss, they don’t want to get drunk period, etc. I wish this weren’t normalized.
But some people think it’s polite so you need to tell them directly that it’s not welcome. If he messed up again then you can be angry with him.
Whether or not you have to tell him depends on what the usual practice is between you. DH and I usually finish a bottle between us on an at home date night but we don’t top off without asking if the other person wants more. So for us it would be unusual to not ask. But for another couple it might be different.
I think topping up is the common thing with wine, and that the onus is on the drinker to keep track and communicate.
I’m not a drinker so I always lead with the fact that the amount in my glass is the only amount I will ever want.
I would let it lie today but be sure to mention it next time when you don’t want him to top you off. I get why you’re angry. You made a plan to stick to a certain limit and that plan was sabotaged by your husband. BUT, I don’t get the sense that he was deliberately trying to F up your diet, etc. I’m going to channel Senior Attorney here and say “assume good intentions”.
Sabotage seems like a pretty extreme word for what happened.
He was doing it only when she wasn’t looking for the most part.
Right?!
unintentionally undermined?
If family members are all sharing a bottle of wine we’ll usually top everyone else off when we refill our own glass. Typically I’ll do the ‘hold the wine bottle up and jiggle’ move once I’ve retreieved it and those who want refills hold out their glasses to be filled.
Fwiw in our family we’re all more careful around beer than wine after a few older parents/aunts/uncles had ‘only’ 2 or 3 beers at family parties and were WAY more intoxicated than normal. They were expecting Coors Light 4-5% ABV/bottle not 7-9% craft beer ABV/bottle which the guys were sharing half or quarter pours of.
I’m a little creeped up out because he must have been doing this only when you weren’t there. You get up, he tops off your glass. You go to the bathroom, he tops off your glass.
Personally, I always offer, but never just top someone else off. They are in charge of how much they drink, not me.
He’s not some dude in a bar trying to roofie her. He’s her husband. Let’s just assume it was a miscommunication.
I am aware of that. You are unaware of the fact that he managed to serve her an additional two to three glasses without her knowledge, which probably requires some amount of intent.
I’m imagining they were chatting and then she got up and he noticed the level in the glasses and topped everyone off. It would be really bizarre from what we’ve been told if he had some sort of nefarious intention.
He’s not a mind reader. It’s ok to now say “hey next time please don’t top me up unless I ask” but it’s not ok to be mad about this unless you’ve already had this conversation.
This. You don’t get to be angry at someone else for not being a mind reader.
No, you get to be mad or whatever, to feel your feelings. How you express them (if at all) or externally respond to those feelings is what you can control. So, sure, you can be upset — nobody gets to tell you what you are allowed or not allowed to feel. But how you raise this with your husband is separate matter.
I don’t think you should get angry that your husband didn’t read your mind. What he did is not abnormal or worrisome within the context you’ve given us.
I don’t think it’s weird. My DH and I seldom drink, but we do finish the bottle on the rare occasions we pop one. I think it would be weird to open a new bottle and drink just 1 or 2 glasses. We also top each other off. I think it’s polite to do so.
Next time, tell him you only want 1 glass. Or mention one of your goals with weight loss is to avoid or minimize calories from wine. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but let him know.
I would be upset. I think everybody has the right to know how much alcohol they consume, and silently topping up takes away choice and knowledge. I would assume that he himself wanted more wine, and that he topped you up to share fairly more than to sabotage you, but I would let him know that going forward wine is opt-in, not opt-out.
This explains my feelings: “silently topping off takes away choice and knowledge.”
while it’s a little weird he only refilled while you were up, the auto-top-up is super normal for us so I wouldn’t assume bad intentions without more. ex. DH will sometimes drink his glass really fast at a restaurant and then the waiter will come refill his, leaving me with less than my ‘half’ to enjoy, and so he would top me up at the same time even if my glass wasn’t empty.
Just say “hon, please ask before topping me up” assuming there’s not more to the story than you shared here.
can anyone recommend anything good to watch? we currently have hulu and amazon prime, but not netflix at present and the Apple TV app is glitching so often it’s a pain.
my husband really likes historicals, I like romance and comedy. we both hate outlander.
watched recently:
what we do in the shadows
strange new worlds
the crown
wheel of time
Star struck on HBO / max is really good. It’s a modern romantic comedy with an excellent cast.
If you are interested in Jewish or Israeli content, we just started subscribing to Chaiflicks d-o-t com. Right now we are watching “The New Black”/“Shabadnikim” and it’s pretty funny.
On Amazon, I’ve liked As We See It, Good Omens, and Jury Duty. If you wait until Black Friday, they usually run deals on tv channels like AMC, where we also recently liked Happy Valley and Manhattan.
There’s also a 7 day free trial of AMC I think. I plan to get it over Christmas break and binge some stuff, including Manhattan.
If you didn’t watch it during the original run, Monk is on Amazon Prime and is great. There will be a reunion movie coming out in December but I’m pretty sure the movie is only on Peacock.
Prime also has Remington Steele, a rom-com detective series from the 80s with a dreamy pre-Bond Pierce Brosnan.
On Hulu, Dopesick is great but heavy.
Reboot was hilarious and canceled way too soon.
Little Fires Everywhere and The Dropout were very good.
I think Superstore is on Hulu too, one of my fave sitcoms if you missed the original run.
Upload
Our flag means death, black sails, Letterkenny, Six feet under. The good place. The great. The new Frasier, the old Frasier, outlander (feat: Jamie Frasier), the British Skins, Elite, Euphoria.
DH and I are watching all of Buffy the Vampire slayer which I ever watched as a teen in the 90s after watching WWDITS.
You may have already seen it but my favorite show will always be Mrs Maisel.
If you have Hulu, I strongly recommend The Orville. (suggestion based on Strange New Worlds)
On Amazon Prime, I recommend The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
Dumb question: I’m looking at healthcare insurance plans. The one with the lowest deductible ($3400) has a warning that “you might be responsible for large out of pocket expenses, look into gap coverage.” But it says there is no coinsurance and the plan pays 100% after you meet the deductible.
The one with the highest deductible ($7500) does not have the “large out of pocket expenses” warning. What am I missing?
There may certain types of expenses that are covered at no cost to you or “deductible excluded” under the higher deductible plan but not under the other plan. Only thing I can think of.
I’m guessing the lower deductible plan that mentions buying a gap plan does not come with an HSA, while the higher deductible plan that doesn’t mention a gap plan does come with an HSA – you can’t have both a gap plan and an HSA. (Based just on the ded info, both plans would ordinarily qualify for HSAs, so it sounds like the entity offering the plans is trying to provide creative options.)
Are you sure you aren’t confusing the deductible with the Max out of pocket? MOOP is what caps your liability.