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Updated: Oct 13, 2022 198 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Ruffle-Neck Drapey Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a red top and jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

How gorgeous is the deep ruby color on this blouse from J.Crew? I’m a sucker for a jewel tone and this one will take you from the earthy fall tones straight through until the florals of spring. I also love the feminine ruffle, bracelet sleeves, and well-placed pintucks for an elevated look.

If the vibrant red isn’t for you, it also comes in “clay sand,” “antique white,” “deep chocolate,” and a leopard print.

The top is on sale for $59.50–$69.50 at J.Crew, depending on color, and comes in sizes XXS–3X.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    That is lovely. I adore red. I wish I didn’t have so many black pants as I think that black / red is such a harsh combo. My white pants are summer pants and that rigid denim that I hate because it isn’t comfortable. What are some better options for cooler weather? I have some white skinny cords that I hope still fit.

      • Anon

        I feel like many winter grays can read purple-y, so I avoid with red. And I like red, white, and some third non-black color (camel is good), but hopefully not all blocky solids. Some lighter denims like shown here also.

      • NYNY

        I love red with charcoal or navy. I’ll do black, but it needs to have a soft texture, like tweed or jersey. I agree that black suiting material can look harsh against red. This red could also pair with a deep plum or burgundy, but you’d need to try it out.

      • Anon

        Red and navy reads like a flight attendant or a flag, in my opinion. I would choose black or gray before navy.

    • Vicky Austin

      I love red + camel, and I actually have a pair of earrings that are red + camel + light blue, so I love to wear red and light blue, too, with those earrings to bring it all together.

    • Also Anon

      For pants I’d go with a shade of grey, but if I had a top like this I’d probably find a plaid or houndstooth skirt to pair with it.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Yeah – love the idea of some texture or pattern to contrast the smooth top.

        My high school colors were red and gray so I don’t wear them together, but it’s a good combo in general!

    • Anon

      I’d wear red with black to a BYE / maybe Xmas party, and that’s about it.

      I do like this blouse though. I like red with a chocolate brown, for any of you who wear that neutral (which doesn’t seem to be many of us.)

  2. Clementine

    I got to work and realized I had brought my personal computer, rather than my work computer.

    The meeting we didn’t reschedule so that the manager I’m transitioning this project to could attend is this morning. Manager we all scheduled around now can’t make it and it’s too late to reschedule (with external parties).

    How’s your Thursday going??

    • Cb

      Oh no! What a frustrating day!
      I’m in home city and got a nice long cycle ride this morning but got so chilled that I’ve got an electric blanket, a teddy bear cardigan and a hat on, hours later. Trying to summon the energy to double check logistics for an event on Monday/Tuesday and work on getting edits to my co author but my brain is frozen.

    • Curious

      kiddo is home sick, but I actually have energy for the first time in a week, and she’s napping well, so that’s nice!

  3. Ribena

    I had a look at yesterday’s afternoon thread this morning (I usually skip it for time zone reasons) and I just wanted to say – I love the idea of a potato party and will be borrowing lots of those recipe ideas. What a joy!

  4. Anon

    The last time I checked Uniqlo for HeatTech, it was 2021 items with many colors / sizes sold out. Is there a time when it all gets restocked? Things sell out fast but I don’t want to check every day.

    • Anon

      I keep checking. Also, the 2021 colors were so drab, shades of Everlane, but without the fun accent colors.

  5. Vicky Austin

    Pictures of the Princess of Wales this morning have inspired me to consider making that outfit formula part of my wardrobe eventually: eye-catching blazer buttoned up with a basic tee under it + nice pants. I hate buying work tops that aren’t sweaters and love funky blazers, so this feels like a good hack. What’s everyone’s favorite source for a cool blazer? (Pics to follow.)

    • Anon

      I got the Rag and Bone blazer featured here a few weeks ago and it is perfection, would absolutely work for the look you describe.

    • NotInstafamous

      I’m aspirationally working towards this aesthetic as well! Some good blazer brands that match her style are: Smythe, LK Bennett, the Fold, and McQueen.( also take a look at the end of the season and see interesting blazers that are on sale – Judith & Charles, Rag & Bone, Club Monaco, and Ted Baker can be good sources for that (since they’re all a bit too spendy for me full price). Otherwise, KM wears a lot of Zara so maybe there? I would love an indochino equivalent where I could get lots of blazers in fun prints that fit me.

      • Vicky Austin

        Thank you, that’s a great set of brands! I can posh or sale-stalk for most of those. Zara is a good shout for getting started.

    • Ribena

      I just bought a wine-coloured blazer from Whistles which has made my usual ‘blazer, blouse, and black skirt’ outfits way more interesting, and makes me feel much more like myself.

    • No Face

      Black pants, black silk top from Quince, and a blazer is a formula I use very often! My best blazers are from thrift stores or eBay. Some of my favorites right now are Lafayette 148 and Calvin Klein.

    • Anon

      This was my work uniform in the early ‘00s. I still think it’s a good one, and if you want to see a muppet jacket, please see Meredith from the most recent RHOSLC reunion. The princess’s jacket has nothing on that.

  6. Firm

    Any solo practitioners here? I’m seriously considering starting my own firm. I’m in a secure place financially (about 10 years since graduation) and have an almost guaranteed source of business that would provide at least 500 hours a year as I ramp up as well as some administrative support. I am still looking into malpractice insurance and other costs. Any advice and thoughts welcome.

    • Anon2

      Following with interest! I love my practice area but am burnt out of firm politics.

    • Anon

      My husband was a solo for about 5 years and rejoined a firm. It’s a tough road. You have to do all biz dev yourself, which means constantly reminding people you exist and what you do and networking. You run everything, so a tech issue can kill a day, same with a collections or accounting issue. It’s more overhead than you’d think even if you minimize office space. Income is uneven even with a steady stream of clients due to collectability and fee arrangements. It’s a 24/7 job, most weekday time is spent dealing with business aspects so evenings and weekends are when you actually lawyer. I’m sure some are more efficient than others but don’t count on it as a lifestyle job. Basically there’s a reason firms exist. Better path is to partner with someone you work well with and trust and form your own small firm.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t. I worked at a very small father/son practice for two years before they merged with one of the largest firms in the county. They had to do all the admin, payroll, health insurance things themselves and even if you have a spouse who can provide health insurance, when you need to hire an assistant, you’re not getting the best ones who work for the large firm that can provide these extra benefits. I don’t see the appeal of being a solo.

    • Monday

      I’m about to do this, actually–but I’m in health care and not law, and I think the differences are probably too great for me to be helpful to you at all. Just sending you good wishes for whatever you decide!

      • doc

        Curious… what is your fields? You mean you are a Doc going solo practice? Hats off to you… you must be a derm or something equally lucrative.

    • No Face

      I consider this every few years. I enjoy the practice of law, but I do not want to take on some of the administrative hassles like trust accounts. I know people who love being a solo though!

      There’s also virtual firms like Practus to consider.

    • Formerly Lilly

      I’ve never done it but am in a position to observe many of them. I think a big thing to consider is that your will be (1) a lawyer with, hopefully, a full law practice, and (2) a small business owner with all that entails.

    • Senior Attorney

      Just remember that you will be a small business owner, first and foremost. My husband has been on his own or with a partner and up to a handful of associates for more than 40 years, and he loves practicing law but the business stuff can be a drag. Negotiating leases, hiring and firing and supervising staff, constant marketing, collections, tech issues, etc. Also if you’re truly solo you’re going to need an informal network of other lawyers who can cover for you when you’re on vacation or sick or otherwise unavailable.

    • Anon

      I just did this and I am really happy so far. I think the primary concerns you should think about before you do it are: viability of practice and back up plans; accounting/bookkeeping/taxes if you have employees; virtual or real office setup; equipment; file storage; file management and timekeeping; “presence” – i.e, website, email, cards, signage, advertising, etc. Malpractice insurance was much easier than I thought it would be. If you want to email me with questions, I’ve set up a burner email: CorporetteFirm2022 at gmail.

    • Anon

      I’m not an attorney but I am a solo practitioner: pass-through LLC.

      Don’t underestimate the administrative burden. If you hire staff to help, then you have an entirely new burdens. I’d say I spend 20% + of my time on admin tasks, and it was more the first year.

      Plan to network a ton because you can’t count on having the same clients forever.

    • Anon

      I essentially have a solo practice and love it. I was in a Very Big Firm, then moved to a boutique firm for 20 years and bought the firm when the owner was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I now have 2 lawyers, with the other being my husband, also a refugee of Very Big Law. We currently share space with a 10’ish-lawyer firm, so there are other people around, and we can refer clients back and forth, but they are officially only my landlord. My rent includes copiers, internet, IT support, phones and a receptionist, which saves me a ton. Otherwise, my overhead is minimal–rent, malpractice insurance ($5,000/year, tops), payroll ($80/month to run; I am shopping that); a bookkeeper who comes in monthly ($200/mo); research materials; a few small subscriptions such as Microsoft. I inherited my billing system. I send my own bills, which is easy once you get the hang of it. I have not had trouble collecting. I have all the work I can handle, and I see probably 80 cents of every dollar I collect. It is a lot easier to work Saturday morning when I am being paid for it, ya’ know? But the upshot is really that I work less and make more because my overhead is so small. Once word gets out that you’re available and reasonably priced (my husband cut his billing rate in half when he moved from Big Law), clients will find you.

    • Anon

      Different Anon with a related PSA: in prior years, their men’s flannel pants have much larger pockets than the women’s version and they fit my very curvy self just fine.

  8. NYNY

    I’m in the office today and caught a glimpse of myself in a window on my commute. Turns out my outfit is channeling all my punk rock boyfriends from the mid-80s, but in a business casual way. Black balloon pants, black sweater, combat boots, vaguely complicated belt buckle, oversized navy trench. I kind of like it! All I need is a rat tail… (so kidding!)

    What are you all wearing?

    • anon

      Shiny black Spanx leggings, dusty pink Vuori cropped tank, black Zella swing cardigan thing, and those shearling-lined Ugg mules with the buckle that everyone bought last year. I’m working from home today (probably obvious, since this outfit only flies for WFH or if you’re a fitness instructor).

    • Clementine

      I am wearing a thin blue turtleneck sweater, wide legged black pants, and tortoiseshell heels.

      Also, shout out to Ann Taylor for pants right now.

      Accessorizing with excessive coffee, blue light glasses, and an inexplicably good hair day.

    • Anonymous

      Black sweater, jeans, black earrings and a red lip (WFH today but felt like channeling some goth-y Halloween spirit)

    • Anon

      Your pants, a black tee, black flats, “snow leopard” cardi. I can Go There, but didn’t today. I’m from a state known for angry table flippers and try not to scare people except when called for.

          • pugsnbourbon

            I thought of Massachusetts and New Jersey first, but there’s definitely some angry people in Indiana too.

          • anon

            They do? I truly can’t think of a state that has a state-wide reputation for being angry. The only stereotypes that come to mind is NYC and Philly are rude and unfriendly (and I live in one of those cities).

          • Anon

            If NY and Philly have it, no doubt it has spread to NJ (perhaps it originated there?).

      • smurf

        New Jersey (assume she’s referencing Teresa, the real housewife who infamously flipped a table!)

    • ELS

      Fine knit black crew neck sweater, army green straight leg pants, and black oxford with fun dress socks. My normal gold bar earrings and gold interlocking ring necklace, and my bolder tortoise shell glasses.

      I’m also having an inexplicably good hair day (it’s wavy so it does what it wants when it wants).

    • Vicky Austin

      Leggings, maroon sweater dress from Banana factory that has sort of a sweatshirty collar, and black Target mules that don’t quite go, but involved me not having to figure out socks this morning. And some very obvious dry shampoo. I wish I were WFH today! I’m exhausted.

      • Vicky Austin

        I am just 0/2 on the m0d lottery today. First butt0n and now c0llar. Doh. Is it Friday yet?

    • Ribena

      Midi length plaid flannel dress with a black turtleneck underneath and a grey woollen sweater over the top, tucked up so it ends around my actual waist. Not sure whether it’s cool or if I look like Jerusha Abbott

      • Cb

        It sounds cool. But also it feels unpleasantly chilled today so the layers are definitely merited.

    • Cat

      Chilly and rainy here so it’s WFH sweats today. Plus a pretty wrap to throw over my shoulders for upcoming video calls ;)

    • anon

      long printed Ganni wrap dress with rubber chelsea rain boots. It’s weirdly humid and 60s here with rain in the forecast—enjoying one of the last few days of not needing a coat!

    • Curious

      Universal Standard Moro pants in a purple-y color, a favorite T-shirt (snarky on navy), blue trouser socks, no shoes, an inch of hair regrowth slicked into something I like to think is slightly more feminine than Seinfeld. Kiddo is home from daycare today, so if I put shoes on, they will be blue slip on sneakers.

    • Senior Attorney

      New cashmere sweater from Talbots with print of peacock feathers (a nod to the wild peafowl living in my neighborhood), navy flared cropped pants, short teal jacket, darker teal suede block-heel pumps. (I’m more dressed up than usual because I’m leading a board meeting after work.) And I was behind schedule this morning so my hair is curly instead of blow-dried and flat-ironed into submission.

    • Not that Anne the other Anne

      Dark blue button-down that I’ve had for approximately forever, grey pants, and navy blue leather 8-hole Docs.

      It’s business, but also a little fun.

    • Pep

      WFH. Dark grey knit cardigan, Elton John concert tee, light grey Gap joggers, and Ugg slippers.

    • Anon

      WFH:

      Athleta Brooklyn pants in navy
      Navy camisole top
      Navy cashmere cardigan
      Handknit ankle socks in shades of pink and purple
      Birkenstock Boston shearling clogs in midnight blue
      Handknit shawl in lavender/green color way pinned around me like an old Irish lady

      Perhaps you have guessed I am a knitter. Anyone else doing the Stephen West MKAL?

    • anonish

      All Black Everything. Black Universal Standard foundation turtleneck, US black bodysuit underneath, black uniqlo fleece vest, warm socks and my furry tan Boston Birks. Cozy vibes.

  9. Nail Polish Top Coat

    Jumping off the discussion earlier this week, what is your preferred top coat? Or for the poster who likes Dazzle Dry, do I need to buy the whole system, or can I pair the base and top coat with my pre-existing colors?

    I have a bunch of the Essie Gel, but I find it doesn’t dry fast enough for me and I mess them up an hour later. It never goes out into the world looking smooth and shiny, just lumpy.

      • Cat

        +1000, though I’ve had no issues with Essie’s Gel Setter myself. (I only do my own toes, not fingers, so find it easy to throw on my House Flip Flops and let it cure undisturbed.)

    • Anonymous

      I have never tried to use dazzle dry without the whole system so cannot comment to that. It’s expensive but cheaper than getting manicures!

    • Abby

      For Dazzle Dry you need the entire system. Pre-dazzle dry I used Seche Vite, but I promise once you move to DD, you’ll never look back (:

      • anonish

        +1 I was having similar issues as the OP with Essie Gel couture not drying fast enough. DD is pricey and sometimes the shininess of the top coat fades a bit (just apply more) and the formula is a little thicker and more prone to peeling; however, the quick drying component can’t be beat. Also I’ve had about the same longevity from my manicures as Essie Gel so I’ll take the DD for a quick drying win.

  10. PagingThirdJen

    Inquiring minds want to know the rest of your first date story! When/why did your husband call you again? How did the second date go? What happened!?

    • Anon

      I missed the beginning of the story on this and would like that too. I’m deep in spreadsheet purgatory and need a distraction.

  11. Notinstafamous

    Does anyone have thoughts on what causes night sweats? Starting a year or so ago, once every 2-3 months DH wakes up absolutely DRENCHED in sweat. He normally notices it happening and moves to the guest bedroom so it doesn’t impact me too much but I’m trying to figure out if this is worth pushing a bit more on the “no you should see a doctor” front or just let him deal with it? It’s not menopause, doesn’t seem correlated with alcohol, and no other health conditions or meds.

    (I think it’s an easy “have an appointment with a doc & have done with it” issue but he doesn’t think it’s worthwhile / hates going to the doctor for anything. Insurance is not an issue.)

    • Z

      Does he have any other weird pains or symptoms?
      Once every 2-3 months might not be something to worry about, but if there are any other symptoms at all I would consider going to the doctor.

    • Anon

      Has he seen the doctor in the last year for regular blood work? If not, he should definitely see the doctor.

    • Anon

      I would be wondering about low testosterone (which is surprisingly common), sleep apnea (also bizarrely common), or blood sugar issues (nocturnal hypoglycemia).

    • Anon

      Night sweats can be a sign of lymphoma. He needs to see a doctor. I started having them at 44 and they did a full workup on me, including manually checking my lymph nodes, to rule out lymphoma before attributing it to perimenopause.

      • Curious

        +1 this was my reaction. Other symptoms include itchiness and unexplained fever.

    • BB

      You should definitely go check with the doctor just in case. But I had a similar thing happening about once a month for the last decade or so. I just sleep hot…and sometimes that gets super, super hot. I got a Chilipad a year ago, and it hasn’t happened since!

    • pugsnbourbon

      I had night sweats due to an antidepressant, but that was almost every night. I am off that medication but now I get them once a week? I have no idea why it’s been happening, we keep our bedroom pretty cool. I’ll bring it up at my next GP appt (I might be due for bloodwork this year).

    • Anonymous

      See a doctor for bloodwork. Lots of things can be the culprit, from sleep apnea to hormonal imbalances. I complained to several docs without anyone finding the cause (I’m not menopausal). Later ended up having my ascending colon removed due to cancer, and no more night sweats. Not sure if it was the cause or the fact I was so iron deficient–and not saying this will be his cause in any way whatsoever. But I only mention because it’s important to investigate and not just chalk up to an inconvenience. It’s a sign something is off.

    • Anon

      For me, quitting alcohol took care of 95% of my night sweats. In fact, when I think about going off the wagon, it’s the main reason I stay quit.
      I had a hysterectomy pretty recently and have had one or two as I establish my new normal re: HRT.
      Other than that, has he had any illnesses recently? I definitely have had them as a trailing side effect of viral illnesses.

    • Anon

      He needs to see a doctor. If he has fatigue, weight loss, fevers, etc it could be cancer.

  12. Anon

    Need advice on a work situation.

    I am in a new job and when I was hired, my new boss told me my main priority would be management of Program A. According to what I was told in the interviews, not just by my boss but by my now-coworkers, is that my company had used the pandemic as an excuse to pause Program A because they didn’t feel it was very well-designed, it was getting poor reviews from participants, and it wasn’t meeting expectations from senior leadership, in terms of results. I would need to come in and redevelop Program A from the ground up, and I had a short timeline for implementation (which didn’t bother me, as I’ve been in that situation before). I asked very pointedly, is the person who was responsible for Program A still in the department, and if so, is that person going to want to be involved in the program going forward? I was told, yes, she is, but she’s being moved to other programs/projects and understands that we have to take a new approach to Program A moving forward, and she needs to focus her attention elsewhere. It will be fine. I was skeptical, but not enough to keep me from taking the job.

    I’m now a month into the job, I have kicked off a redesign of Program A per my boss’ instruction. Sure enough, the former manager of Program A is around and she is VERY invested in the past work she did, to the point where she’s repeatedly said “I don’t understand why we can’t just go back to doing what we were doing.” I am trying to treat her with kid gloves as I know how I would feel if someone was brought in to redevelop something I was really invested in, and so I’ve met with her 1-1 a couple of times to go back over the work she did with Program A when she originally designed it, and see if and where there might be opportunities to bring some aspects of the previous program into the new program. Some of what she had previously done with the program was good, but I definitely see why the program struggled and where we can make improvements that should help, going forward (I have kept all of those observations to myself, BTW). Part of what she’s supposed to do now, according to direction from our boss, is connect me with internal SMEs who have information critical to the success of the program. At the end of our last meeting, when I said I thought we were ready to start conversations with the SMEs and would appreciate her help in getting connected to those people, she rolled her eyes and said “I’m really busy and don’t know if I’ll have time for that.” And in fact, has not returned any of my emails or calls since, asking for help in moving forward with the project. She did, however, manage to get one of my team members to forward her the meeting notice for our regular project meeting to discuss Program A – when my boss had specifically told her and me that moving forward, she should not sit on the project team and her involvement was going to be solely related to the handoff and connecting me with SMEs.

    I completely understand how this person feels, and have tried to be really collaborative and gentle with her in our conversations. She told me at one point, “I know this is all (Boss’) doing and I’m not holding you responsible for what’s happening” but it feels like she is. I know I could go to my boss about this, but that feels like tattling to the teacher. Any suggestions on how to approach this coworker to get her to help with SME connections, after which she can completely detach from this if she wants to? Thanks!

    • Anon

      Do you really need *her* connect you to these people if they’re all internal? I’d stop waiting around for her and just reach out yourself, or find another connection.

    • Anon

      You need to go to your boss, lay this out matter of factly, and say given the state of play would you like me to continue requesting that A makes these connections or should I go forward and do my own outreach? And if that person shows up at a meeting you tell them hey thanks but we actually just need XYZ people at this meeting. And then don’t speak till she leaves. It’s fine that you tried to be collaborative but at this point that person just needs to be cut out.

    • Ses

      Maybe be less gentle? Sometimes just taking the project and getting on with it is the least obnoxious/ most respectful approach to the former leaders of the project.
      To me the “not holding you responsible” comment would sound a lot like “not respecting your role as owner of this project.” Take ownership, set meetings to introduce yourself to the SMEs and Stakeholders. It’s your project now, own it and manage it.

    • No Face

      I think you are being too gentle. She needs to connect you to the SMEs. If you don’t get those connections, you will not be able to get this program off the ground and that will harm *your* career. Don’t hurt your career to spare the feelings of someone who did a bad job!

      Meet with her ASAP and tell her that she needs to make the connections by the end of next week. If she says that she can’t, then say that you will need to rope in your boss and her boss to work on how this fits into her priorities. Then follow through if she doesn’t connect you.

      • No Face

        Also, is there any other way to know who the SMEs are? If someone else worked on the project, ask who else was involved and start meeting/calling who they name. In each convo, ask who else you should talk to. Are there names on documents? Talk to those people.

      • Anon

        At several companies I have worked at, the person who has requested information would send out an email to, let’s call her Jen, cc-ing Jen’s boss. The email would basically say: Jen, I asked you for this information in our meeting on 9/27 and via email and phone on 10/5 and 10/11. The ability finish the project on time is in jeopardy. As you know, we are on a tight timeline to completion and I really need this information ASAP.

        I have learned the hard way that after three tries to get information from someone, with a reasonable amount of time between each, the next step is escalation. It’s not worth it to have my reputation tanked – or put in insane hours to meet a deadline – because someone refuses to do their job.

    • Anon

      Do you have the SME list? Reach out and introduce yourself, no need for her involvement. If she won’t provide the names, ask the other people who worked the project. Someone should know. I would leave her alone.

    • Anonymous

      At my org, I would ask her directly again, and if she does not do so I would gently approach her supervisor. In asking her again I would probably make clear that you’ve been directed to connect with these SMEs.

    • anon

      Do you HAVE to have her connect you to people? Is it feasible to do this on your own? IDK, if I were being kicked off a program that I led and was invested in, at some point I would want to completely leave it behind rather than continue being dragged into it. You involved her in the beginning, which seems reasonable, but she might be trying to make a clean break herself.

    • Anon

      This happened to me. I raised it to my boss. She didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I quit and went back to my old company! Advocate for what you need to be successful!

    • Anonymous

      I would not go to your boss about this, at least not yet, save that for a last resort. All you need is to identify and connect with at least one SME. When you meet with that person, ask them to share any information that they think helpful, and who else you should talk with. The keep going with speaking to people. If they ask about the former person, just say she is working on whatever now. Review the list of who you’ve connected to with your boss, and ask for other suggestions. Look for a locus of control — do multiplayer SMEs report to one person? Is one area key? Ask your boss to set up an introductory meeting with a leader in that area, because it’s important to start a relationship.

      Regarding the meeting, find someone to add or delete from the meeting, or update the agenda. Send out an updated meeting invite, uninviting her. Actually note in the invite + Sue and John, – so an so, ABC added to agenda. Send it out the evening before. You can even say – so and so per your discussion with boss.

      The next key part is be very professional, courteous, and oblivious.If she says something like why can’t we go back, just ignore her. If she offers an idea, say thanks for that input and keep going. If yo can, kick off the project meeting with some words about great work in the past facilitating acceleration in a new direction. You need to start driving this without saying nothing negative about her, but don’t let her distract you. People will figure it out pretty quickly.

    • Anon

      Coming back very late but thanks to everyone for all this advice. I had a feeling I needed to toughen up a little bit and keep things moving, even if this coworker isn’t going to be helpful (or even cooperative). I really appreciate the kick in the pants from everyone who responded! Thank you!

  13. anon

    are heeled doc marten boots appropriate to wear to speak at an advertising event – with a nice midi long sleeve shirt dress. industry is casual casual if you are not familiar!

  14. HFB

    I bought some stuff a couple weeks ago from J Crew and Zappos. I need to return some of it. However, after I made the order my credit card I used for the purchase was sold to a different company. The account number is different and the old one has been canceled. So when I make the return can I ask them to credit it to a different card or send me a check or something? What’s the easiest way to deal with this?

    • Monday

      Call customer service on your current credit card. They may have channels already set up for this situation such that you don’t need to do anything. I’ve been through this with my mortgage at least once.

    • Anon

      Amazon, which owns Zappos, always gives an option for store credit instead of charging back to your card, so that might an easy option. Usually I find that annoying because it’s the default option and easy to miss if you’re in a rush, but if you’re lazy and going to buy more from them anyway, it might be a simple option in this case.

    • anon

      When you make the return, they will credit it back to the existing card; the bank that bought your account will have a process for pushing the credit to your new credit card account or issuing a check to you. This is what’s called “trailing activity” in the credit card industry, because items can be returned or disputed for a significant period of time after the purchase, and they will have a process for dealing with it. If you don’t see the return on your new card account within about 3 days, contact the issuer of your new card and talk to them.

      Your account is closed for new charges but they will still be able to handle the return with the old card number, because they actually have to use the original number in order to match the return with the purchase. The merchant (J Crew, Zappos) will not be able to use your new card number to issue the refund; that gets handled between your old bank and your new bank.

      Obviously if the merchant allows the refund to be made as store credit or something like that, you can choose that option.

      Source: I work in this industry.

      • Anon

        I tried to tell this to the sales woman at Nordstrom once when I tried to return something and she wouldn’t give me my money back because my card number had changed. I had to actually ask for the manager!

  15. BB

    Comment above made me think of asking this: How many of you still have a personal laptop (like a full PC or Macbook) versus just using tablets/phone?

    We have an aging MacBook and an also aging Chromebook, and like…I’m not sure I need to replace them? We haven’t used the MacBook in over a year and the Chromebook is basically a tablet with a keyboard. We have iPads and smartphones. Are there normal life things (not like a home business or anything) that I should have a laptop for?

    • Anon

      I can’t imagine just having a tablet as my main computer and I’m not even that plugged in (I use a computer all day at work, so don’t want to be a slave to one at home, too).
      Bills, email, banking and booking travel are all much easier with an actual keyboard and non-mobile interface, to name a few.
      I can see the attraction of a tablet for a few things (recipes mostly), but not as my main computer. I thought about switching to desktop + tablet as my home setup, but the laptop still does everything I need it to do.

    • Cat

      I do. I think better with a full keyboard and mouse. If I’m being lazy and browsing on the sofa, it’s iPad all the way, though.

    • Notinstafamous

      If you don’t use it why would you replace it? Just don’t have one and if you need one someday buy it then!

      I used my personal laptop last when I was applying for a new job, but haven’t touched it since getting one. I likely won’t replace it.

      DH uses his all the time, but he has a couple of RAM-intensive hobbies (photo editing, video games) where apparently it’s the best option. I assume he will want to replace it once it dies.

    • Anon

      I find web browsing so much more pleasant on my laptop with script blockers, though I do use my phone and tablet too.

      I also use it for finance stuff like paying taxes, car registration, tracking and analyzing spending in a spreadsheet, paying bills, health portals, health insurance, FSA submission, managing bank accounts, etc. Some of those I also access through mobile, but aren’t easy to set up initially that way or aren’t fully functional and some of them still really don’t work well on mobile at all. Also, how do you apply for jobs without a personal computer?

    • Anon

      I still have a laptop but rarely use it. I use my phone for pretty much everything.

    • Anon

      I use a laptop still. I don’t want to type with my thumbs or look at a tiny screen. Why not just keep using the MacBook and Chromebook that you have now? My MacBook is from 2015 and works perfectly fine. It is perfectly serviceable for browsing the internet, running a vm or two, and developing a little code.

    • Anonymous

      I have a laptop and am thinking about getting a desktop, but it’s mainly because I’ve got a photography hobby and it’s easier to use lightroom on a real computer. I do like having a real keyboard, though. If I didn’t need a real computer for lightroom, I would probably just have something like a Surface

        • Anon

          My last work laptop was a Surface and it was extremely difficult to use as a laptop because it’s so small. I had to be connected to an external monitor and keyboard.

          • Anon

            Was just going to say this! I recently bought a 2nd laptop (one for just school/work stuff, to haul back and forth). Weight or lack thereof was my main priority. The Surface tablet, once I added the weight of cover and keyboard came out to being heavier than a purpose built laptop. The Surface laptops looked great but were out of my price range. I ended up with a Lenovo Slim, and my giant Toshiba now lives at home. I save any number-intensive work for the Toshiba and its included 10-key pad.

    • Anonymous

      I still have a personal laptop primarily for 2 reasons – it’s easier to create spreadsheets for finances with an actual keyboard, and I do photography. If not for photography, I wouldn’t mind switching to a cheap Chromebook or going with a Surface or something similar.

    • Anon

      My family does have personal computers (a couple of actual desktops with the tower and separate monitors, plus several laptops of differing vintages) but other than the occasional need to print something where I have to log in to the desktop that is connected to our non-wireless printer, I don’t think I have actually used one of them in several years. I file our taxes from my phone, I applied for my last several jobs from my phone, I just did the FAFSA last night from my phone. I just don’t know what I would need a full computer for personally any more. My husband is a gamer in his downtime so he will always want a full setup, but as long as I have occasional access to a computer for the very rare things (like logging in to one of my old HSA investment accounts, which does not function on a mobile browser for some reason) that need one, I personally would just get a wireless printer and not look back.

    • Ribena

      I do but I use it relatively rarely – only for in depth writing stuff basically. It’s six years old and I’m holding out on replacing it until I get a book deal (so that could be another five years… I hope not), but when I bought it I *did* need a new laptop because mine was struggling and I didn’t have a TV or anything so I used it for everything.

  16. Flu shot

    Has anyone got their flu shot this year? If so, how did you feel afterwards? Any side effects?

  17. No Face

    After many years together, my dirt cheap space heater finally denied. RIP old friend.

    Any recommendations? Or should I just get the cheapest option at Target and call it a day?

    • Curious

      Black & Decker’s cheapest model. More reliable and less likely to not turn off when it gets too hot (looking at you, $20 highly rated model on Amazon)

    • Anon

      I splurged on a tower heater with a timer. It’s great to keep you warm while you’re falling asleep but turns off when you are actually asleep. Also has an actual temperature setting and oscillating option.

    • Anon

      I have an oscillating Lasko one that I like. It has a fan, you can control the oscillation and the heat is either low or high. It heats a normal sized bedroom quickly. Recommend.

      I like Amazon for this type of research because you can crowdsource stuff like – cord is too short, or whatever, in the reviews.

  18. anon

    I’m looking for style blogs/influencers that are sort of Julia Berolzheimer but at a more accessible price point. Any suggestions?

    My personal style is a bit more in line with The Mom Edit, but my SEUS community vibes a bit more feminine – more florals, fewer lug-soled oxfords and cropped carpenter jeans – and I’m looking for some inspiration for the occasions when I want to fly a little closer to the mainstream here. JB hits the sweet spot in terms of feminine but not like ruffles exploded all over her, but so much of it is super pricey.

  19. Anonymous

    Can we talk meat? If you’re interested in calories but also flavor, what beef and pork cuts do you buy to shred for meal prep? I keep doing pork tenderloin and sirloin tip for beef but that’s $$$$.

    • Anon

      I don’t cook a lot of meat but I know my family members will stock up when it’s on sale and put it in the freezer.

    • Anne-on

      I use a lot of shredded chicken and pork tenderloin – for whatever reason Trader Joe’s pork tenderloin is like 60% cheaper than anywhere else so shopping around might be worth it. I don’t shred beef (too $$ for that) but will do braised brisket when its on sale. I also use a lot of ground meat in my cooking – it’s cheaper and faster plus meatballs freeze really well – we’ll bake off a tray of meatballs and then freeze them in smaller sizes.

    • BB

      Pork butt and beef chuck are my go-to meats for most stew/long-cook type things.

    • Away Game

      Pork shoulder or pork butt for shredding. For beef, we often buy round or flank steak. Stew meat will shred nicely if you have cooked it long and slow.

    • Anonymous

      I get grassfed and indie, but for shredding a cheap neck roast to put in the slow-cooker is perfect.

  20. Anonymous

    Does any one have any tips for staying organized? I am currently working and a different projects with different teams and they all seem to be picking up speed at the same time! How do I stay organized and on task??

    • Shelle

      Several months ahead, I make calendar entries for all major milestone due dates, reminders of upcoming reports a week out (or whenever would be helpful advance warning to pick up a ball if it was dropped), and a “brain dump” calendar entry on the date I plan to start a task where I place miscellaneous notes for that task as I think of them.

  21. Anon

    Would love some relationship advice. I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. He is from a different country, where his family still resides. He is committed to staying here, but also committed to balancing and making sure he still sees his family enough. This most recent year, his mom stayed with him for three months, with his dad and brother each visiting during that time as well. I spent a lot of time with his family, but our one-on-one time was more limited (a couple of nights for a few hours each week, but no day-long dates just the two of us or overnights). I honestly really kind of liked having more time to myself, but I also felt like it gave me a scarcity mindset around quality time with him in our relationship (though I was spending a ton of time with him and his family).

    I am learning now that he will be going home for two months in February. I’m supposed to visit for a couple of weeks to his home country during this time, along with my parents, which I’m really excited about. But at the same time, it is making the scarcity mindset thing more pronounced. It will be a total of 5 months for the 12-month period in which his parents are here or he’s there, and it makes it hard to feel like we can just have an extended period of quality time together without some interruption looming overhead.

    I have abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style, so I know this is playing into it a bit. It almost feels more about control and routine to some extent, though there is also a part of me that will definitely miss him. The plan is if we got married that his parents can stay with us periodically and we’d go back to his home country for two months a year, though it’s unlikely it would be three months at a time of his family visiting again.

    My goal would be to use this as an opportunity to work on my own control and anxiety issues, since I do know how important family is and this arrangement isn’t a dealbreaker by any means. It’s also nice how warm and welcoming his family has been, in spite of the cultural differences. But how do I work on the anxiety and feeling of loss? Sometimes it manifests as pretty pronounced anxiety and loss or even heartbreak, which isn’t rational, and is less about actual time together and more about being scared of losing him in some abstract sense.

    • Anon

      This would be a major dealbreaker for me. Being in a serious relationship or being married means the family you create should be your priority. I would never want my in-laws living with me and dictating my life. Perhaps you’re feeling anxious because you can sense that his parents are his priority, not you.

    • Anonymous

      Are you really OK with his attachment to his parents? I would not be. In my marriage the nuclear family we created comes first. If that’s how you feel but not how your boyfriend feels, then you are not truly compatible.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      1) Do you have a therapist? This seems like a great thing to work on.
      2) I feel like a gratitude journal would be a really useful exercise for you during this time. Rather than thinking about scarcity or how little of him you’re getting, focus on what you are getting and the abundance of riches you do have – a warm and welcoming new family, a boyfriend that you love, a new culture to explore, international travel for you and your parents, a bicultural future for any potential children. These are amazing gifts!
      3) What can you ask from him to help you feel better without driving each other crazy? Can you ask for a daily text check-in? A weekly long call? What would it take for you to feel secure? The answer can’t be “he’s constantly texting me” – what is the baseline here?
      4) How can you use your time without him to find joy, excitement, happiness? Is there a project you can work on so that instead of waiting for him to come back, you’re accomplishing something for yourself? This seems like the perfect time to train for a run, take an art class, learn a new language, join a choir.

      Good luck!

    • Anon

      I’m confused by this. You like your alone time but you are also concerned with how little one on one time you’re getting with him? For that, I think working through your concerns with him would be a good idea. If his mother and father are both visiting, there’s no reason why you and your boyfriend can’t have a date night once a week.

      Honestly I’d be more concerned with how this would impact your future together and future family if that’s something you are considering. Will he be gone for 2 months at a time leaving you to be the single parent? Will he expect you and the kids to spend all summer abroad? How will this impact your career and your kids school. I know you didn’t mention these this but they would be at the top of my mind in this situation.

    • Anon

      You’ve really clearly articulated the issues you want to work on, which is awesome! I’d say the next step would be trying to find a good therapist to help you. I have an anxious attachment style and therapy was so helpful for me to be in a place where I could have a truly functional relationship.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t be okay with no overnights for three months straight. That’s a lot of missed time while you’re in a serious relationship.

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