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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I think I’ve made it clear that I’m never going to say no to an animal print. This snake-print crepe blouse from Michael Michael Kors is proof that neutral colors don’t need to be boring. It has a slightly blousy cut, which looks super flattering, and delicate ruffles at the sleeves.
It’s a bit sheer but comes with a detachable camisole. If you want a bit more coverage, you could also do a bodysuit with thicker straps underneath.
The blouse is $155 at Net-a-Porter and comes in sizes XXS–XL. If you like the print, it also comes in a dress.
Two more affordable options are from Vince Camuto for $74 and Michael Stars for $65.25 on sale.
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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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DCJ
I have a question that is a variation on a theme of something I know has been discussed here before. I want to try ordering from FreshDirect, which as I understand it is different from Instacart in that they send groceries directly from their warehouse rather than sending someone into a store to shop for you.
What is a standard tip for this service? For Instacart or in-store shopping, I understand we are shooting for 20% of the total, right? Does that change if groceries are coming from a warehouse without an in-store shopping experience?
Relatedly, does tip “top out” somewhere? I.e., at some point if you have a huge order, like >$200, do you just tip $25 and call it a day, or do you stay with 20% or more?
I want to tip generously, but also want to be mindful of my budget and my own sense that above a certain level, it will make sense for me to just get my own butt into the store. I figured with a more anonymous forum I might get more truthful/realistic answers. Thanks!
anonshmanon
I don’t think that the tip tops out like you described. A lot of people might do it like that but it’s a noticeably smaller tip for the service provider.
No experience with this actual service.
Anon
I think it is more related to the volume/weight than cost. I usually tip $5 per bag from Fresh Direct (based on what my estimate of how many bags they will have – they use very large bags). Usually I order 2 bags and tip $10, but if I am ordering anything particularly heavy like a watermelon or a box of sodas, I tip extra. During the height of the pandemic I tipped a lot more, but after vaccines became widely available and numbers dropped I went back down to this level.
Anom
Maybe I’m crazy stingy, but I usually tip $5-10 for FreshDirect, depending on how much I’ve ordered.
Anonymous
Same. This isn’t stingy it’s normal.
DCJ
Thank you all (and sorry for the double post!). I really appreciate the reality check.
Anon
I used Amazon Fresh pretty much weekly during most of 2020 and 2021 until I got the vaccine, and tipped 20%. It was a lot because my orders tended to be $200 ish so a $40 range tip every time. But I considered it hazard pay because they were essential workers during a global pandemic and the service was generally really good.
Anonymous
I pay the recommended tip through the app, which is usually $5-10. I would not pay 20% for grocery delivery. For food delivery through Grub Hub and similar, I cap out at like $15. I consider the distance more than the cost of the food. If I’m getting pizza from that awesome place 30+ minutes away and it’s rush hour, I’m going to tip $15 or more even if my order is inexpensive. But if I’m getting expensive sushi from 3 blocks away then no I’m not tipping 20%, it’s the same amount of effort for them if id gotten sushi or a sandwich. If I order through the restaurant itself then I tip 20% because that person is a restaurant employee not a driver for hire.
Anonymous
I got my first save-the-date for a work conference for later this fall. Yay! I miss seeing people and travel.
Random question. My dad travelled to all sorts of cool places for work but because he had a security-clearance job and was often on bases, we never went with him. I go to cool places, but without the base-clearance concern. Spouse had a bit of job flexibility and our vaxxed kids are getting old enough to maybe want to see a bit of the world (and having it be worth pulling them out of school, which seems to still be hedging on restarting, grrr).
Assuming that spouse couldn’t go, at what age would you let your kids be alone in a hotel where you were on site? I think a solo kid would trouble me more, vs having a built-in buddy system. Maybe also more in a resort hotel (away from things — think Marco Island, FL or Coronado Island) vs a center city hotel (South Beach or downtown San Diego). I think that the answer is the older one had to be in high school (my age for very loosely chaperoned trips — Model UN), but just polling the audience.
I’ve had a travel nanny before when they were young, but that seems to be overkill for older kids.
Anonymous
I did this with my dad! I’m early 30s (for a sense of dating the time period in which I was parented). I started visiting him at international sites on my own when I was 16. I would plan tourist activities for myself, he would review my proposed itinerary, and I would sightsee during the day based on the itinerary. Then I would meet him for dinner after work. It taught me a lot about traveling, planning trips, etc.
If he had traveled within the US, my parents likely would have let me go visit him and hang at the hotel when I was around 13/14 (at that point I was babysitting, using my bike instead of getting rides from my parents).
Cat
I went on a few business trips with my dad when I was in middle school in the 90s. I was alone in the (central downtown area) hotel room during the day (I think dad came by at lunch with a sandwich for me and checked in?) with the do not disturb sign out. Great memories of one-on-one time with him!
Cat
Wish we could edit – but this would be tacked onto a weekend where we spent the whole time together, so it would be maybe a day and a half of movies in the room, then a few days of exploring.
Anonymous
I’d let any kid old enough to stay home alone and use a cell phone/ smart watch to call you in an emergency/deal with their own meals stay in the hotel alone during the day, assuming I’m somewhere on-site. For my kids that would be…soon but not yet. Maybe 10?
This assumes the kid would be hanging in the hotel room while you were at the conference, not exploring the city. For the latter, 13-15? And if the kid is on the younger side, i’d plan to pop in during meal/conf breaks to say hello.
Cb
Maybe 12? Old enough to read books, watch movies in the hotel room? Young enough you wouldn’t have to worry about any questionable social media choices?
Ribena
When I was 16 I hung out with my dad while he was working in Singapore (having spent a few days before that visiting family in India). He booked me on one of those tourist day tours so I had most of the day accounted for and wasn’t just ‘roaming’ all the time.
This was 2010. For context, at that age I was just beginning to go into London (grew up in the suburbs) without an adult and generally not completely alone, but was going into our nearby shopping town by myself (all on trains and Tubes/subways). I had also flown by myself and taken slightly longer distance train journeys by myself a few times by that age, always being met at/dropped off at each end of the journey.
Anonymous
Never. I would never pull my kids from school to have them sit unattended in a hotel room all day.
Anonymous
Same. It’s also really limiting to have your family along on a business trip–you can’t engage in a lot of the after-hours networking opportunities. It’s different if it’s one of the few conferences that tries to encourage family attendance.
Senior Attorney
Agree. Certainly not for resort cities in the U.S. Would do it for places with educational content but I would arrange activities for them beyond watching movies in the room.
Anon
I have some good memories from going along on business trips as a kid (from doing touristy things). Never had any regrets about missing school; I was a reader and a museum enthusiast, so the more school I missed, the better it was for my education. I remember swimming in the quiet hotel pools.
But overall, my experience was that hotels (and apparently business travelers) can be pretty sketchy. I don’t really have regrets as nothing terrible ever happened, but I’ve noticed that I avoid staying in hotels as an adult after being hit on and chatted up as a minor by business men way too many times while hanging out unattended in hotels.
Anon
Agreed. I missed a little bit of school to go to Australia/NZ (in 3rd grade) and Japan/Korea (in 10th? grade) but those were very educational trips. The former was a family vacation and the latter was a work trip for my mom but my dad and I did tourist stuff together.
Anonymous
My boss is used to bring her 13 year old on trips occasionally.
Anon
As soon as my kids were old enough for cell phones I let them do this, so middle school ages. I don’t get to travel around the world but they’ve been with me to various US locations. Their favorite is NYC and who can blame them?
Anon
To quickly add, the most school they’ve ever missed for this was a day. Most of the time they came along on summer trips with me, but there were a couple that happened to coincide with teacher in service days, and their favorite nyc trip was over winter break for them.
Anon
I was three years older than my brother and would have been comfortable hanging out in a hotel room with him when we were 12/9, roaming the hotel (using the pool, eating on site) when we were 14/11, and leaving the hotel for a pre-planned nearby destination (like a museum down the street or something) when we were 17/14. But it depends on the kids’ personalities, I think — my brother and I were both timid, rule-following children who got along well and were easily entertained, and we were used to being unsupervised at home.
Seventh Sister
We let our 10 & 7 yo stay in the hotel room when we went to the hotel bar in the Grand Canyon – but it was VERY short, maybe 90 minutes and they were so wiped from hiking I doubt they moved an inch while we were gone. When we went to London with our 11 & 8 yo, we did the same, ditto Iceland. In London they had their own hotel room next to ours, absolutely no problems. We read both kids the riot act about not wandering off and they rose to the occasion.
Seventh Sister
For older kids and an all-day conference, I’d probably want them to do something that would get them out of the hotel room, at least for part of the day.
Anon
Late response, but I always told my kids they could wander the hotel and go to the pool. They could also order food pool side or room service and charge either to the room. That kept them busy for conference type hours. I also found that I didn’t have to attend every breakout session at most conferences, so I could come hang out with them. Some of my fondest memories are of watching them swim in the pool and eat cheeseburgers in lounge chairs while I was supposed to be attending an hour and fifteen minute breakout session.
When they were older, they could walk around the town/city but I wanted them to text me to let me know they’d left the hotel. In NYC they walked all the way around central park (they remain very proud of this) and then I met them at the Metropolitan Museum of Art after my meetings ended.
Anon
I think I have the flu. I’ve been feeling sick since Friday and not getting any better. It seems like a mild one but I can’t believe I feel no better today than I did five days ago. There’s nothing I can do but wait it out right? It doesn’t seem bad enough to get tamiflu. Ugh, considering masking forever now, I forgot how much it sucks to be sick.
BeenThatGuy
Don’t assume it’s the flu. Go to the doctor/urgent care and get a flu swab and a covid test. If it is the flu, you basically have to take Tamiflu within 48 hours of the symptoms starting otherwise it’s worthless. Personally, I will never take Tamiflu again after having severe side effects from it in 2018 (hallucinations, suicidal thoughts) so know your risks before you make that decision. Feel better.
anon
Thanks, I didn’t realize that about Tamiflu.
FormerlyPhilly
+1 unfortunately, I also had severe side effects from Tamiflu (cardiac)
Get tested and get well soon!
Jeffiner
Yikes. My reaction to Tamiflu wasn’t that dangerous, but it made me feel so terrible I preferred the flu sympotms. I was given Xofluza once, and that worked for me.
Diana Barry
Did you get a covid test to check?
Cat
+1
I had a mild cough for a few days last week and got tested just in case — negative and it’s since gone away, but peace of mind is great!
anon
Yes, I got tested Saturday morning.
Anonymous
Did you get a covid test?
Anonymous
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. Now that vaccinated people are encouraged to forgo masking, many people I know have caught a variety of non-COVID respiratory ailments. This is why I will be continuing to mask for as long as I can possibly get away with it. I used to spend half of every year muddling through with bronchitis. Never again.
No Face
My toddler had a bad cold (COVID negative) and the nurse practitioner said the same thing – colds and flus are very prevalent right now instead of the normal time of year. She was thrilled when I said my older kid’s day camps are still masking.
Anonymous
If it is the flu, it’s too late for Tamiflu to make any difference.
Anonymous
Tamiflu usually doesn’t work once you are this sick, unfortunately. I assume you got a COVID test. You could consider getting a flu test as well, if nothing else for peace of mind.
And yes, while I am excited for a day when masks are no longer required for kids, I also am going to miss the year that NOBODY in my family missed a day of school due to [their own] illness. (they did of course miss several days bc they had to quarantine but…)
Anone
No advice, but commiseration. After being healthy for over a year, I caught a virus last week also. Fatigue, fever/chills and sinus crap (COVID negative). I’m feeling much better but last week s*cked for sure.
anne-on
I’d go to urgent care and get a flu/covid test, but it may just be a bad virus. My kiddo picked up a NASTY virus at camp that was just a virus (we had him tested for everything, rapid and PCR, and two strep tests) and it knocked him out for a full 6 days, and me for closer to 7 when I got it. The pediatrician said that with camps open and less masking viruses are circulating like gangbusters at the moment.
It also firmly convinced me to go back to masking in public when anywhere indoors (our area has very good vax rates and high compliance). Not getting deathly ill all winter was the one upside of all the masking and I will 100% be masking this winter.
Anon
I have a horrible head cold that my kid brought home from camp and I so feel you. Both of us were tested and covid negative. I did not miss this! Kid’s camp doesn’t make kids mask indoors unless their parents request it and while I’ve requested it for my kid I know she’s not totally compliant. Thankfully it’s just a cold but so unpleasant!
Anon
I’m also home sick but with a likely sinus infection. Covid test was negative.
Anonymous
We had an anonymous poll at work re whether people had been vaccinated (just to know totals). It is 80%. Which is much better than our region’s almost 50%, but WTF co-workers? Why are we not at 100%??? We in a no-mask-if-vaxxed area, and I can assure you that I don’t have 20% of co-workers masking still (so I am masking if not in my office, thanks all!) and definitely not 50% of my fellow citizens masked up. I am 100% in agreement with no masks outside, but inside in a restaurant waiting for take-out . . . I feel like the air indoors is just an airborne sea of the Delta variant now.
Anonymous
This is exactly why I have been saying for months that the honor system is BS and that we can only ditch masks with strict vaccine passport enforcement. The CDC let us down big time here. By issuing guidance that only accounted for biological science without taking into account policy implications and behavioral science, they screwed us all over. Between CDC and Governor Newsom rushing the reopening to boost his recall chances, I’m done with trust.
Seventh Sister
As far as I’m concerned (am in CA), employers (especially schools) should be able to mandate vaccination for employees and businesses should be able to require proof of vaccination in order to provide services. I’m over the honor system and tiptoeing around the feelings of anti-vaxxers when the science clearly supports vaccination.
anon
Because people have a right to make their own choices, whether you like it or not. Get vaccinated yourself if that’s what you want, and focus on your own self. If you get covid, you’ll have some sniffles for a few days and be fine. Same with your kids if you have them.
Anonymous
And I am sick and tired of those who make their own personal choices to not get vaccinated AND not wear a mask AND work on site daily.
anon
I am too but I also have accepted at this point there’s nothing I can do about it. My anger isn’t going to change anything so I’m trying to just accept it as a new risk of being human and remind myself I am protected by my vaccine.
Anonymous
You can fight for policy changes – if you care enough. You may be protected, but millions aren’t.
anon
of course I can fight for change but just stewing and talking to an echo chamber of people that already agree vaccines are good isn’t going to change anything.
Anonymous
Interesting. My employer has allowed people to come back into the office but in order to not wear a mask you have to provide a copy if your vaccine card. So they are not expressly mandating the vaccine, just that if you are going to be maskless at work you have to provide proof.
I like this approach, and I particularly like how some of my still-mask-wearing colleagues are vocal that they are vaccinated and still choosing to wear a mask. It helps normalize mask wearing and doesn’t make it so everyone in mask is assumed to be a “selfish non-vaccinated person.” Our office has about 50% of the in-person people wearing masks, and everyone I’ve met, both masked and unmasked, has been vaccinated. I would guesstimate our in office vax rate is over 90%, if not higher.
Ribena
You don’t have the choice to drink five beers and then get in the car. How is this any different?
Anonymous
I think it’s like forcing people to get in the car and not telling you if the driver has had 5 beers or not — honor system is turning out to be . . . dishonest.
anon
Because people on the road don’t have any way to protect themselves from a drunk driver. People like the OP DO have a way to protect themselves from covid, and it’s the vaccine.
Anonymous
Not if they’re forced to show up to shared workspaces with the Delta variant breaking through the vaccine. Not if they’re immunocompromised and doing their damndest to stay away from selfish people, but it can’t always be done. Not if they’re children.
Anonymous
Except I have kids who can’t get vaccinated, so I am vaxxed and won’t get too sick if I get it, but it’s unfair for all of these unvaxxed-unmasked people to be exposing them (or making me a carrier). This is so damn disruptive.
Patricia Gardiner
Yes. This. Many people depend on herd immunity for various age/medical reasons, and we are failing them.
Anon
Omg this attitude is going to kill people needlessly. I hope you’re vaccinated and if you’re not I hope you can feel the rage of all of us who’d like this to end.
Anonymous
OP here — I am totally vaccinated. Got it done the first week I was eligible. I am amazed that we have stalled out and are showing with our actions we live in a society where the honor system shows in its stats how little you can rely on your fellow citizens to be honest.
Anonymous
Exactly. Many of us suspected the honor system would fail and it’s so disheartening to not be proved wrong in the stats. Honor system goes into place, masks get dropped almost everywhere immediately, cases climb and climb again.
Anon
I sympathize with the desire “to have this end” but the bottom line is that is not going to end. We are not going back to the way life was pre-pandemic, when all we had to worry about was bad flu years. Covid is here and it’s not going anywhere for the foreseeable future; there will be new variants to deal with this fall and beyond. Reframing my outlook from “I just want this to be over” to “how am I going to deal with this going forward” has helped me a lot in terms of dealing with the unpredictability of the future, and anger over people who aren’t getting vaccinated, aren’t masking, etc. I can’t control what other people do, I can only control myself, and I’ll do what I feel I need to do to feel safe. We can’t get in a time machine and go back to October of 2019 and put controls in place in China and elsewhere to keep the virus from spreading worldwide. For those people who are trying to look forward to some bright, sunny horizon when Covid is no longer a factor in our lives? I hope you’re prepared for a very long wait. Or for it never to happen at all.
Anonymous
That’s fine, but until my kids can get vaccinated, I’m not actually able to deal with it. And I need adults to step up.
Anon
“And I need adults to step up.”
Let me know how that works out for you. It doesn’t appear that shaming, ranting, screaming, shouting, pleading, begging, cajoling, giving away free stuff, etc. has helped so far. If you have new ideas on how to persuade the unpersuadable, which will actually result in people getting vaccinated, I am sure the Biden administration is very interested in hearing from you. Otherwise I am curious how deciding to die mad over this issue is helping your kids. It certainly isn’t modeling emotional resiliency for them.
Anonymous
Yeah, who cares about killing someone immune compromised or possibly giving someone long haul or creating a new variant, right? Freedom!
Anonymous
Vaccines are not a personal choice, they are a public health necessity. Herd immunity requires everyone to get on board. I know the US is a very individualistic place but why can’t people stop being selfish for a second and do something for the greater good.
Anon
You can wish, hope, pray for, and shout about this all you want. It is not going to change the reality, which is that without mandated vaccination (which will never happen) many people are not going to get vaccinated. Remaining permanently enraged or despondent over the actions of others that you have no control over is a choice.
Anonymous
No one is “remaining permanently enraged or despondent.” We’re venting on an anonymous board for a few minutes. That being said, rage can drive policy change. I’m letting my representatives and city council know my thoughts on the honor system. I’m working with family and friends to plan events safely for vaccinated people. If I had kids, I’d be lobbying the school board.
anonshmanon
This thing that “will never happen”, is in fact happening in many settings. Employers, universities are mandating the vaccine and other countries have higher requirements from their own population. I understand that Americans think they are so special, but this individual freedoms vs public safety is a centuries old, ongoing dance and is carried out in microscopic steps.
Anon
No one is “remaining permanently enraged or despondent.”
Au contraire, I have been reading people’s enraged and despondent posts here on the exact same topics, repeatedly, for over a year now. Some people are definitely stuck where they’re at and seem unable to move on or move forward from the fear and anger they felt in the early days of the pandemic. They’re nominally angry or fearful about different things now, but they’re stuck. We’ve been over and over and over some of these issues ad nauseum on this board. There are no answers or solutions anyone has been able to come up with. If people want to stay stuck, by all means, they can stay stuck. It gets pretty tedious for some of the rest of us, to keep reading the same things over and over. I don’t mind people having their feelings about something. I do find it questionably useful for people to wallow in those feelings, and to enjoy the wallowing.
Also, in regard to your efforts to influence public policy: I hope you’re successful, genuinely. If you’re not, what will you do then?
Anonymous
The whole “freedom” argument is a red herring. What about my right to be free of having someone else spew germs in my face and make me sick, disabled, or dead?
Anon
anonshmanon, feel free to tell yourself whatever story you want to make yourself feel that somehow the tide will turn and we will somehow be able to mandate that the majority of unvaccinated Americans will get vaccinated. If that story is comforting to you, hang on to it. I don’t think it’s realistic that we will ever see substantive or effective vaccine mandates that will move the needle on percentage of people vaccinated, given that we’ve had people assault airline employees over being required to wear a mask on an airplane for a 2-hour flight. If people won’t wear a mask, they definitely aren’t going to get something injected into their body that their news sources has told them is unsafe. If you don’t live in the U.S., you probably don’t get it, which is fine.
Anonymous
We don’t allow smoking in public any longer. We shouldn’t allow unvaccinated people in public either.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t say never happen. A lot of employers (Fox News!) and schools and travel destinations already are heading that way. France is heading that way. You can’t go to Lolla this year if you’re not vaxxed or showing a negative test. I’m seeing some conferences like HIMSS require it. At a certain point public health has economic consequences. There are a lot of financial reasons for wanting to ensure large groups of people gathering indoors are vaxxed–you’re going to get where a lot of people aren’t comfortable indoors without this assurance.
anonshmanon
They make you wear a seatbelt. They fine you for smoking and littering. Obamacare. Letting poor people vote. Letting black people vote. Letting women have a job without the husband’s consent. Letting women have their own bank account. Mandatory flu shots for healthcare workers and measles vaccine for public school children. No shoes no shirt no service. You need a license to drive a car. Regulations for what you do with your sewage. No owning weed or cooking meth or dealing heroin. No alcohol for children. No breastfeeding photos on social media. Libel laws.
I am not very optimistic that the majority of Americans will get vaccinated anytime soon. But I think it’s people throwing up their hands and say ‘well it’s always been this way and restricting Freedom is just not a thing that’s done in this country’ that are part of the problem. You think you are so level headed and clear eyed, but change happens when people can envision a different way to live, and when enough people get to that point, they will it into reality by fighting for it. If you don’t try, that’s when you really lose.
Anonymous
I agree with anonshmanon. Throwing up our hands and acting like there are no policy options to help this situation is defeatist and just plain sh*tty to do. Vaccine passports, vaccine mandates, and more should all be on the table.
Anon
This.
Anon
Kids are dying dude. The delta variant is no joke.
Houston Event
I need to plan a work dinner for around 50 people in Houston in October. Looking for a private room, kind of near the space center, but really anywhere in that SE I-45 corridor is great. Do you have any recommendations? Thanks!
DCJ
I have a question that is a variation on a theme of something I know has been discussed here before. I want to try ordering from FreshDirect, which as I understand it is different from Instacart in that they send groceries directly from their warehouse rather than sending someone into a store to shop for you.
What is a standard tip for this service? For Instacart or in-store shopping, I understand we are shooting for 20% of the total, right? Does that change if groceries are coming from a warehouse without an in-store shopping experience?
Relatedly, does tip “top out” somewhere? I.e., at some point if you have a huge order, like >$200, do you just tip $25 and call it a day, or do you stay with 20% or more?
I want to tip generously, but also want to be mindful of my budget and my own sense that above a certain level, it will make sense for me to just get my own butt into the store. Thanks!
Anonymous
Re: topping out, I take into consideration the volume of goods. Like, is it a $200 bill but 25 items, or a $200 bill and 15 bags of groceries? So if the answer is you have 15 bags of groceries, I’d still tip 20%. But if you just order expensive groceries, I think a more flat rate is OK- a $20 tip for doing <30 min of shopping + delivery sounds fine to me.
buffybot
I….may not be doing this right and am willing to listen to alternative views, but it wasn’t my impression that grocery delivery was really on a percentage tip basis, but rather trended more towards a flat tip consistent with what you would do for other types of delivery like furniture, etc. I think the FD app is consistent with that take as well, in that it asks you for a dollar amount instead of providing percentages.
I think there’s a difference between FreshDirect and Instacart as well, in that the person delivering your FreshDirect had nothing to do with compiling all of the groceries – they’re just the “last mile” hauler, and those tips don’t get spread out to the warehouse workers. I feel pretty good about a $10 tip on a $200ish grocery bill, which represents about 5-10 minutes of their time and is usually about 2 full bags and case of some beverage.
Anonymous
It isn’t supposed to be tipped at 20% like a restaurant. This is just made up.
Anon
I do a flat rate of $10 per delivery for a typical delivery which is a few bags and a case of water. I do not do 20% like at a restaurant, and I always do 20% or more at restaurants.
fresh direct
I use freshdirect. I usually tip between 10-15$. During the height of the pandemic, I was giving them 20$ trying to acknowledge that these were essential workers, it seemed like the right thing to do. I usually get several bags plus cases of water. I am on the ground floor, and might tip more if they had to go up a lot of stairs.
anon
I’m not sure where you get the 20% minimum from. The Instacart setup provides 5%, 10%, and 20% as the preset options. For a good delivery experience, I tip 10% on an $80 – $100 order. That’s where my grocery budget tops out, and I’ve had to eliminate certain things (butter, bacon, bell peppers) from my shopping list as prices have risen over the past few months. We’re having to tighten the belt these days – a 20% tip for every service just isn’t in my reach anymore.
Anonymous
I tip $5 per delivery. 20% is not standard for Instacart and it’s def not standard for FreshDirect
Cornellian
Something nice to keep the kids busy. Croquet or Kubb or some lawn game, perhaps?
Anonymous
What would you bring to this gathering? It’s been so long since I’ve been social that I’m stuck.
-A couple we were just starting to get to know/be friends with invited our family over to their new house for swimming and cocktails/bbq, along with another couple/their family
-there will be kids ages 3,5,5,7,8,9,10 (older boys, younger girls, and the 3 y/o is mine); my kids and the kids of the other couples all go to school together and are buddies
– They texted in advance with a menu and last time we had dinner at their place we got a very clear “we like to plan the meal” vibe; I can ask what to bring but I know they’ll say they are all set.
– they just moved into a new house, so this is sort of a housewarming (not specifically but it’s the first time we’ve been there since they very recently moved)
– they are not big wine people and have more than they know what to do with
– she’s super involved in our town and literally anything that is a town-oriented housewarming gift she’s got (I’ve seen her at the gym in a shirt with our zip code on it!).
I was thinking of putting hubs in charge of selecting a pack of nice beer, and maybe getting something for the kids to do together, Like those water balloons that fill a hundred at a time…but those can be a pain to clean up/pick out of the lawn, right? Other ideas? I was also thinking dessert or app- what would be a nice addition that won’t distract from whatever they have?
ThirdJen
Brownies never go amiss, neither do deviled eggs.
Anonymous
Lol what? Sure they do.
Anon
I love brownies, but am gluten free so unless the brownies are gluten free, I get to admire them from a distance only.
I hate deviled eggs, and all foods involving hardboiled eggs. People, don’t bring me deviled eggs, I beg you. Also egg allergies seem to be more and more of a thing these days.
ATL
Flowers.
Anon
+1 to flowers. Hard to go wrong. Don’t bring brownies or deviled eggs or any food. I get so inside secretly pissed when people do that when I’m entertaining- I’m a huge set the menu/think through all the details, and food like that is just off. Any food I didn’t plan is off. Commenting only because this is an anon forum and I’m gracious and smiley, and “oh my gosh what a help this is,” in person to the offending menu disrupter. So know your friends, and it sounds like they wouldn’t like that move. Flowers are always lovely.
No Problem
See, my mom is also like this and I find it weird that she is so annoyed when people bring food. I totally get it if it’s a sit down dinner. I really don’t get it at all if it’s a serve-yourself style BBQ like the OP is talking about. What’s the problem with another BBQ-appropriate food dish being added to the table, assuming no allergies or strict dietary restrictions?
Is this more of an anxiety, like something you want to be able to control but someone else bringing food means you aren’t in control anymore?
Anonymous
It’s more like I’ve gone to a lot of effort to host the party I want with a menu I’ve thought through carefully and I don’t want that disturbed. Why do people get so weirdly insistent about bringing food?
Anon
Lol, no, it’s not anxiety! My husband and I love to cook and entertain, and we spend days planning out what we’re going to make. It’s thoughtful, literally down to every detail. OTT for most people? Probably, but it’s our thing. So when you bring random brownies or deviled eggs, they do not go with what we planned. If I’m throwing a casual BBQ (which, I never do), and it was anything goes, I suppose I’d be fine with it. But we don’t have kids, entertaining is my jam, I think people should step off. If you’re dying to make those dang eggs, throw your own party.
No Problem
People get weirdly insistent about bringing food because in our culture it is considered somewhat rude to show up to a person’s home emptyhanded and proceed to eat all their food. And if it’s awkward to bring flowers (awkward because the host would have to run around to find a vase), then PLEASE suggest something else for people to bring.
Again, I fully understand not bringing food to a sit-down meal, or even a themed or cuisine-specific meal, but I really, truly do not understand the “OMG we spent so much energy getting the menu JUST RIGHT for what goes with hamburgers off the grill that I will just be so PEEVED at anyone who dares bring a food that is generally enjoyed by a lot of people to add to the self-serve table” attitude. I’m glad all my friends love it when guests contribute their favorite dish to their backyard BBQs.
Anon
I also hate it when people bring food to a party I host. Not only have I put a lot of work/time/money into planning and preparing the menu, I have also made sure I have the right amount of food (which is always too much). When someone brings food, that means there will be more left over (mine or theirs). Which will ultimately go to waste.
anon
YES, THIS. Don’t bring food when I’ve already gone to the effort of planning and cooking! It is such a huge pet peeve of mine.
Anon
This this this. Do not bring some random app that doesn’t go with what I planned!
Anon
I think you guys need to chill a little and learn how to be gracious. Also don’t tell someone to bring nothing because then they will make up their own thing to bring. If they ask if they can bring something, give them something specific to bring. But it will not kill you to have some cheese or fresh fruit or bakery cookies out alongside whatever it is that you’re serving.
You need to get over the idea that you’re a master chef and your guests must enjoy the meal exactly as you planned it. That’s not really in the spirit of entertaining and welcoming people into your home.
Anon
Or could learn to be a gracious guest and not bring random food when the hostess has asked you not to.
Anon
I am 90% of the time a host. I know from personal experience that when people want to bring something, they’re going to bring sometime. My point is that a host needs to get over their massive ego, because that’s what it is, and learn to be gracious.
Anonymous
Literally no one here has said anything about not being gracious. I graciously welcome your nasty bakery cookies with a smile. I internally wonder what is wrong with you.
Anon
Way to prove you are not in fact gracious and it is all about your ego.
Anon
“Literally no one here has said anything about not being gracious. I graciously welcome your nasty bakery cookies with a smile. I internally wonder what is wrong with you.”
Wow. Protip: don’t be surprised if eventually everyone is “too busy” or “has other plans” when you invite them over. This kind of contempt for other people is harder to mask than you think it is, and also, people don’t generally enjoy being around people who think they’re perfect and make perfect choices and “wonder what is wrong” with everyone else. Gross.
TheElms
Flowers might be nice since its a new home. I always like getting new tea towels especially if you think you know their style well enough to pick some that match. I also like the kid game idea. What about a lawn game like horseshoes, lawn bowling or ladder ball?
Anonymous
Not OP but I love the idea of a lawn game. What about some pool floats for their swimming pool? (Maybe a novelty one if you know them well enough.)
anne-on
Oh yes – Williams Sonoma will make you up a nice basket of hand soap + lotion + kitchen towels which is a great housewarming gift.
Anonymous
Flowers + glass vase? Houseplant in a nice planter?
Anon
I would personally love for people to give me houseplants as hostess gifts but it never seems to happen. Instead we get wine, which we don’t drink.
anon
– Fancy cookies that they can either share at the party or keep for themselves
– Flowers
Go with consumables!
Anonymous
Definitely the water balloons that fill a hundred at a time. Huge hit with the kids at a recent family-friendly party I went to. Thoughtful and fun!
Anonymous
I wouldn’t bring water balloons to someone else’s house—it means the hosts might have to spend a lot of time picking up the used balloons from the backyard later.
Anonymous
YES thank you all, flowers is the obvious answer here. My social skills are so rusty.
Anon
FWIW, there’s old advice that flowers aren’t an appropriate hostess gift because your host will have to stop what she’s doing to find a vase and put them in water and fuss with the flowers and find a spot for them. If I can’t bring a bottle of wine or a dessert, something like a Stonewall Kitchen scone mix and jar of jam is great – it’s something clearly for them on their own time later. You could also bring a box of chocolates and tell her that it’s for them for later so that they don’t feel like they have to put out the expensive chocolates for all to have now.
TheElms
I think you can solve this by bringing them in a plain glass vase. Host can transfer to something later if the glass vase is not her style. When I get flowers I save the vases for this purpose.
Anon
Right. I believe back in the day it was more common for flowers to be sold without a vase, and so if people showed up with flowers the hostess would have to stop and find one. At my local supermarket, I can go in and buy a beautiful arrangement already in a plain glass vase for $20. Boom! Done and there are no worries about food or alcohol allergies/avoidances. I’ve brought flowers in a vase to many hostesses over the years and they’re always delighted. I pick neutral colors and keep the arrangement small so if nothing else they can put the arrangement in the bathroom or something.
pugsnbourbon
+1. Also gives me something to do with the half-dozen plain vases clinking around under my sink.
(Yes, I know the florist will take them back and no, I still haven’t gotten around to that)
anne-on
Fwiw to address the comment below about flowers not being appropriate in the moment, I forgot (because pandemic) but I almost always send flowers the NEXT day to say thank you. If I’m bringing something with me I go for a potted plant.
Anonymous
While I adore flowers, they are not a good gift for me because I have pets that will eat them and be poisoned by them. Many of the usual flowers like lilies and Hydrangeas are toxic to pets.
anne-on
My most appreciated go-to’s in this situation have been things for breakfast the next day – bagels/muffins/yummy treats from the ‘good’ local bakery. I might also bring a nice non-alcoholic option – sparkling lemonade? juice boxes? sparkling waters? for the kids and adults who won’t be drinking.
If you have a nice florist or garden center I’d also bring flowers or a plant – perhaps herbs? Something festive but hard to kill ;)
Ribena
Flowers, a bottle, or packaged chocolates. I quite often like to take some nice soft drinks to things as well.
Anon
A money tree. Falls under “houseplant”, no pollen to aggravate allergies or pets, and has a tangible intention/meaning behind it.
Anon
I’d bring an assortment of cookies from a bakery in a fancy box.
Anonymous
A bottle of wine. The point of bringing something to one of these gatherings is not to give the most impressive, thoughtful gift. It’s to show that you know the social rules, without burdening the host with extra stuff. Wine is easy to regift.
Anonymous
Y’all– OP here. This ensuing debate about bringing food to a dinner party* is exactly why I posted. I ended up with a bouquet of flowers in a decorative mason jar, some craft beer, and a water balloon launcher & balloons that we will pull out if/as needed but only if I’m certain I can get the kids to pick the scraps out of the lawn.
* I know a BBQ isn’t a dinner party exactly…but they very clearly have a menu prepared.
SC
In a similar situation, where DH and I were the hosts, our friends brought us an orchid as a housewarming present. It was just a Trader Joe’s one, but it was lovely, and I didn’t have to run to get a vase, etc. Several months later, our cat knocked it out of the windowsill and broke the stem, but I enjoyed it while it lasted.
No Face
Low stakes q: Any favorite soap bars for hand washing? Someone in my house (not me) bought tons of Dove soap and it gets soft and mushy.
Cat
good old Dial holds it together, but any soap will do best when not in a damp soap dish, so suggest one that’s open-grate style.
SSJD
I love the bars of soap from Shea Moisture. There are many different flavors, and the scents are lovely.
Anonymous
I buy plain ol’ Dial, as well, but do this: as soon as I buy it, I unwrap it all, and slice each bar in half. This exposes more surface area. Then I pile them in an open basket and let them sit in open air until ready to use. This lets water in them evaporate, hardens them up, and gets rid of the soft and mushy thing. This might work for your bars of Dove — though I suspect their softness might come more from some kind of oils than water, and this wouldn’t work.
Anonymous
I like A La Maison from Marshall’s.
Anon
It’s expensive but I get Aesop hand wash. It smells amazing and make the chore of hand washing a delight. About 10x the price of dove, but that little luxury makes me so happy.
Aunt Jamesina
We only use bar soap in our house (including for hand washing dishes), and I’ve found that Trader Joe’s has a nice selection without being crazy expensive. Olivia Care (sold at Target) also has a good olive oil bar that doesn’t get mushy. Make sure it’s on a dish that drains well no matter what bar you use.
Curious
Castile soap bars last forever.
Anon
Trader Joe’s soap.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
This is not at all what you asked for but if you enjoy bar soap I have to toss in a recommendation for Kiehls “Ultimate Man” body soap (puke at that name). It’s exfoliating and smells amazing and I wish I didn’t have an aversion to bar soap because I loved it so much. But alas, I just can’t with bar soap….
Anon
Put the dove soap in your shower. It is so much better than body wash.
For hand soap I love to buy fancy bars of soap whenever I’m in the type of shop that sells them. It’s a way for me to enjoy going into a boutique and checking everything out but still being able to buy something. I really like to do this on vacation but it’s also fun at neighborhood boutiques and import shops. Then when I open the bar of soap it’s a new, unique scent and I remember where I got it.
Paging Divorced Mom with 401k Qs from Yesterday
In addition to the 401ks, 529s, and taxable index funds (you’re doing great btw) there are 2 tax advantaged spaces I would consider filling. First, are you on health insurance with an HSA with the ability to invest? If so, completely max this out, invest in index funds, and don’t spend it on health costs if you can avoid it. Why:
-Contributions to HSAs are not subject to federal income taxes.
-Earnings to an HSA from interest and investments are tax-free.
-Distributions from an HSA to pay for qualified medical expenses are tax-free.
So if you let it grow, you’re building up a great source for retirement health expenses. It also doesn’t lock things up if god forbid you’re hit by a bus. Finally, if you keep medical receipts you should be able to reimburse yourself down the line if needed.
Second, if your income such that you can you do a regular Roth IRA? Or, if not, a Backdoor Roth IRA?
Anonymous
Agree with this. We did it back when I had an eligible account to fund. I think we put a total of $6k in it. Now that account has grown tax free to over $15k. If needed, we’ll be using it to supplement orthodontia for our kids. Otherwise it will just sit around growing for a while longer.
Cornellian
Oh +1 on the backdoor IRA, I totally forgot about that yesterday.
Laura
I’m so frustrated. I’ve been on this project for a while, asked for my support, did not get it. Last week my boss had an epiphany that more than 1 person should work on this client project, and said that he would pitch in. But their “pitching in” is not as helpful as they think – and I end up having to re-do or complete their work anyways. Don’t tell me you’ve “got it” when you don’t. I’d rather know the truth before hand (that you won’t be able to do it / don’t have time / don’t know how to) rather than be rushing last minute.
anon
You have my sympathy. This describes my former boss to a T, and it was enormously frustrating.
Anon
Ugh I am sorry. I have been there and it is so frustrating!
Second Wedding
Question for folks who have had a second wedding. I am in the early stages of planning one myself, and I’m looking for any thoughts or tips others might have from their experiences.
In particular, we are both divorced with school-age children (all girls), and are thinking about how to (1) involve them in a meaningful way, and (2) sensitively address any mixed feelings they may be having about the wedding and starting this new chapter as a combined family. Generally, they don’t express much angst about the divorces — both of which took place several years ago — but I’m concerned a wedding might bring up some of those feelings for them.
As for the ceremony, we both had large “white weddings” the first time and are not at all interested in a big ceremony or reception this time around. We don’t want to just elope though, since we feel that our children ought to be there. Basically, we’d like to invite immediate family and very close friends for a non-church ceremony followed by some kind of small get together — e.g., a nice dinner at a restaurant in our city. Probably about 20-30 people in all. We do not expect or want any gifts. Other than that, we have no set ideas on what to do! If there’s anything others have done that they remember fondly or thought worked really well, I’m all ears!
anon
What is a “white wedding”?
Cat
The big hoopla wedding
Anonymous
I think it is the big fancy wedding with the big long puffy dress. Or the Billy Idol song :)
Anon
She obviously means the big wedding shindig and all that hoopla.
busybee
I’ve never in my 32 years heard the phrase white wedding so it’s not that obvious!
Anon
Ditto! My mind thought it was some ‘Red Wedding’ parallel from game of thrones
Aunt Jamesina
Sounds like it’s time for you to listen to some Billy Idol!
Monday
I’ve only ever heard it as a disgusting reference to the bride’s hymen being intact…
Anon
Oh man, y’all didn’t grow up on MTV?!
Anon
Same, @10:57 AM. Only ever heard this as whether the bridge is “eligible” for a pure white dress or not.
anon
White wedding – like formal white wedding dress. It connotes a large traditional Western wedding with a church ceremony followed by a typical reception with dancing, dinner, etc.
Anon
It’s a nice day for a white wedding…. Come on!
Shelle
It’s a nice day to…. start again!
Anon
Apparently some folks here don’t listen to 80s classic hits radio
Monday
Well, you can know the song without knowing what the term means. Apparently that’s me.
Anon
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AAZQaYKZMTI
Anonymous
OMG thank you for this link. For 30 seconds I was WAY younger than my actual 56 years.
Alanna of Trebond
Going to listen to Billy Idol all day now.
Anonymous
A HS friend recently remarried; both have kids. I gather that her kids will live with them FT; his kids a bit older and are in college. They had the wedding either at Disney or nearby and had a week of “familymoon” at Disney (before solo-couple weekend trip), which even the older kids apparently really liked. [I am not, so very not, an amusement park person, but the pictures showed such sincere joy that I would 1000% consider doing the same in this situation.] I am a stepparent myself and my DH’s ex made our wedding a nightmare and I was happy that there were similarly-aged kids from my side and a family friend there for kiddo to hang out with, but there was so much drama that I had very dim hopes.
Anonymous Grouch
Keeping in mind that I have no direct experience with this type of situation, maybe the following applies? You mention that the children are all girls, and “school aged” which I read as under 14s. I think that a lot of girls like “girly” things. Weddings are girly. Can they be bridesmaids? If that doesn’t fit with the lower-key plans, can they help pick out your dress? Flowers? Make some sort of crafty item to go on the restaurant tables? These types of things could get them “involved” in a fun way without making an emotionally heavy production of being part of the actual ceremony.
Carrots
My dad and step-mom did something similar to what you described when they got married when I was 13. They had a larger church service with maybe 100-125 people and then a cookie reception immediately after (the equivalent of a cocktail hour, but it was at the church). Then they rented out a small restaurant for the evening and had a small dinner reception for about 30-40 people that were much closer (immediate family, close friends, etc.). There wasn’t any dancing or party feel to it, just a nice big dinner for everyone to gather.
Anon
I’d mimic Miranda and Steve from Sex and the City! Hire an officiant to get married somewhere pretty, wear something cool & stylish, brunch or dinner in a private room. I’d also add a few of your closest pals – family is great, but your best girls have seen you through and will really share in your joy.
Anon
I can’t advise on the kids thing, but our second wedding was just what you described – a late afternoon wedding with only immediate family present followed by dinner in a restaurant’s private room. Perfect, lovely, low-stress. A million times better than the first one. No one gave us any gifts or even thought about doing so. (Actually, I take that back – an aunt got me a fleece blanket with our new initial on it – super cuddly and one of our favorite couch blankets!) We got married in an outdoor chapel in a park and – because apparently the park knows what they have, rental was $1k/hour (!) for weekends – so we chose a Thursday afternoon when it was half price. That meant the restaurant also had plenty of space and staff available to pay attention to our group. And bonus that the florist and photographer were cheaper too! It was just such a great experience all around.
Monday
I attended a wedding in which the groom had 2 young girls, but the bride had no kids. The ceremony included the couple making a vow (I think the officiant read it) to take care of the girls, nurture them, etc., and they were both given necklaces as part of it. I thought it was very sweet and appropriate as a way to include them and assure them they were a priority in the marriage.
Ribena
Have you watched the Netflix Babysitters Club adaptation? It deals with a lot of this stuff and might be good both for you and the kids.
Anonymous
The takeaway from BSC is not to buy your new stepkid a fancier car than your new spouse would otherwise have bought them.
Anonymous
As someone who was the kid in this scenario, I didn’t want a “role” in the wedding. We did the courthouse with just immediate family and best friends and being there was plenty. No one had a “role”. My father did not invite me at all and that was . . . not okay.
Anon
Go dress shopping with the girls. They can all pick out their own special dresses and shoes for the event. If you are leaning bridesmaids/jr bridesmaids/flower girls, you can have them do that… otherwise, I would incline towards having them get special outfits. Do a girls’ day with nails and facials beforehand.
anon
So I am 4 weeks away from my second wedding to a divorced dad with two kids (8 and 10). First off, do the kiddos know that you’re getting married? For us, that conversation was really where the complicated feelings came out.
In terms of logistics, we are “eloping” with the kids – so no guests except them. For us, the key to making them comfortable was really letting their preferences drive the ceremony. We were planning on a very low key ceremony, but my soon-to-be stepdaughter is really excited about being the maid of honor so there is going to be a bridal procession of some sort so that she can have a fancy dress and walk out with a bouquet. My soon-to-be stepson, on the other hand, really wants to be his dad’s best man but also really does not want to dress up, so he’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts. We rented a cabin in the mountains and will have the ceremony there, and then we’ll go out to dinner afterwards at a kid-friendly restaurant.
I will be honest that, at least for my stepkids, it was a better choice not to have other guests. We are really close and they are happy, but I know there may be some mixed feelings on the day. Not having other guests lets us focus on them and make sure that they get the reassurance that they’re not becoming less important to their dad as a result of this. When you have guests who really know you, and not so much the kids, the focus ends up being more on the couple and I think for our kids at least there’s a risk they would feel sort of lost on the day. But YMMV.
I think the key is really for them to feel like something they’re part of, instead of something that’s happening to them.
Cornellian
That is adorable.
Anon
I was the daughter in your scenario. My mom and stepdad got married at the courthouse and had just us kids there. We didn’t match, but we all picked out new “church appropriate” dresses and shoes for the occasion. Having just us 6 made the point that it was us, together, as a new family unit. At the time I was 12 and didn’t get it fully but a few years later I really appreciated what they did in making it about our family unit. I think afterwards we went to a fancy restaurant and our grandparents and a few friends joined us there, but we all walked in together.
Anon
anon at 10:34 spelled it out better than I did – make the kids feel like they’re a true integral part of the wedding, and find ways to make sure the kids don’t get lost in the excitement of the day. It really is about the creation of a new family, and not really about the new marriage itself.
Cornellian
+1, especially with younger kids. if they’re already late teens, it probably matters less.
Anon
Wow that’s really thoughtful. Puts the focus on the family without making the kids perform for guests, or stick out if hey are having different feelings.
Senior Attorney
I had my second wedding when my son was 12. It was in our back yard at noon, followed by lunch (I’d say “back yard fancy” if you know what I mean), with about 90 guests. Son was in the wedding party and did a reading during the ceremony. The most fun thing we did was recruit 4 or 5 of his friends from school as ushers to seat the guests as they arrived. They all had a blast and he had somebody to hang out with during the reception.
Anon
I suggest an outdoor wedding at someone’s home if possible. My sister did this and she rented a house that had a pretty garden for the ceremony (and the house was advertised for this purpose.) It was really lovely and more relaxed than what you refer to as a white wedding. Her daughters and his sons were their only attendants and it was really charming to see them walk down the aisle ahead of their parents, and the kid loved being involved that way.
Having the rental house made everything easy. She had it catered. Most people had a bite to eat and then left, but several closer friends/family members stayed at the house to drink and party (with the happy couple’s encouragement) and stayed overnight as planned ahead. It just made for a really fun weekend.
anon
One of my close friends went through this with her three step kids. Ask them what they would like! They are humans with feelings, as you know, and also surely opinions. I suspect they will appreciate being asked.
anon
I got married for the second time this year. Covid meant we didn’t have a lot of options, but I would do things the same way again because it was perfect. It was outside, we has just immediate family and two close friends (one for each of us). We did cake and finger foods. My 9-year-old son walked me down the “aisle” along with my father. He also held the rings until they were needed. He wouldn’t have wanted to do more than that, but was excited to be part of everything. My ex and I are very amicable (we like to say our marriage ended, but our family did not), so he was also there. I think this was nice for my son. I know that might not be on the table, but I did want to throw it out there.
Anonnymouse
Low stakes question – would velvet bridesmaid dresses for an Oct. 1 wedding in Texas be pushing it? The ladies would get to pick sleeves/no sleeves/skinny straps, whatever they prefer.
Sunshine
Probably. Early October may be warm, beautiful fall weather or still summertime hot.
Cornellian
I think in Dallas or west Texas you’d be fine. in Austin or Houston I might think twice. If they’re just outside for a half hour of pictures, that’s also a different story.
Anonnymouse
To clarify about location – it will be an outside ceremony and reception by a lake about an hour away from Dallas.
Anon
With this additional information, I definitely wouldn’t do velvet. It will likely still be way too hot and humid for any heavy fabrics, even if the bridesmaids can choose straps over sleeves.
My $.02 – I think velvet really only looks seasonally-appropriate at true winter weddings, like in December/January.
Anon
Hard no. You can always add layers but cannot remove them.
Anonymous
Outside in Texas in August probably equals “sweaty back and stomach and armpits while wearing a velvet dress,” which doesn’t sound at all fun to me.
Anonnymouse
Oh, if it was in August I wouldn’t even be asking the question, ha!
Anon
Absolutely not if it is outside.
Anon
If you are asking if you’re pushing it, the answer is probably to not do it.
My inclination is to avoid velvet unless it were an actual winter wedding in a place that gets winter (i.e. not the South).
Anon.
Pushing it. Google tells me the Average October high temp in Dallas is 79; September is 89. It is more likely than not to be 80+ degrees which is going to be miserable in velvet.
Anon
Way too hot. My wedding was in Louisiana in October and it was not even the slightest bit cool.
Anon
Sleeveless velvet would make as much sense as open-toed snow boots.
anon
Fun shopping question: what swimsuit bottoms would you pair with this orchid rash guard:
https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Sleeve-Wetsuit-Swimsuit-Protection/dp/B01MECVPGM/ref=sr_1_30?crid=22XB1L2S3BO1C&dchild=1&keywords=half%2Bzip%2Brash%2Bguard%2Bwomen&qid=1626876508&sprefix=half%2Bzip%2Brash%2Caps%2C169&sr=8-30&th=1
Anonnymouse
How about this? The print is very cute and I think would coordinate. If you’re concerned about “matching,” I’d just pick a solid bottom that you thinks looks good with the orchid color. Maybe blue, or a green?
https://www.summersalt.com/collections/bikini-bottoms/products/the-limited-edition-high-leg-mid-rise-bikini-bottom-painted-meadows
Anonnymouse
This print would work too: https://www.summersalt.com/collections/bikini-bottoms/products/the-limited-edition-high-leg-mid-rise-bikini-bottom-scroll-block-print-in-violet-lava
Anon
Is anyone who is currently WFH with a fall return date been told that their office is pushing the date back because of the surge or potential surge in Covid cases? I am anxiously awaiting news from my office!
Anonymous
No
Cornellian
We’ve chosen not to put a full-time return date on the calendar in part because of delta and in part because of uncertainty around when our new office will be ready. I think it’s pretty common, but that a lot of folks are already working a sort of hybrid schedule so it’s less impactful of a decision.
Anon
Yes, there was active planning during the month or so that rates fell super low. Now that they have crept up again, we have put reopening back on hold.
Anon
No, but cases are low in NoVa. We go back 8/1. However, vaccines aren’t required, so I wonder how they’ll react to the inevitable mini-delta outbreak among unvaxxed co-workers.
Walnut
Yes.
Cb
I’m in the UK where things are disastrous. We’ve just been told not to plan any in person events for 2021/2022, but they haven’t announced re teaching yet. 88% of adults have their first dose, but cases are so, so high so I’m just hoping to get into my office before my contract ends in January.
Anon
Yikes I didn’t realize it was that bad over there!
Anon
The cases are through the roof but the hospitalizations and deaths are low because they have high vaccination rates and vaccines work well against severe illness. I don’t see the US locking down again unless hospitals become totally overwhelmed but who knows.
Anon
I saw a thing on Twitter that the US should pay attention to what is happening in the UK as we are just a few weeks behind them.
AFT
In IL/Chicago area where rates of cases remain low (but increasing) and vac rates are pretty high… No changes to current plan to reopen on-site hybrid in Sept.
Anon-na-nah
Yes. The first wave of people going back started a couple of weeks ago. The next wave was to go back around September. We have been told all reoccupancy is suspended until further notice.
Shelle
Reusable cloth face masks are on clearance at a lot of online stores. Do you think they’ll generally no longer be sold? Should I pick up a few extras? Do you expect we’ll need them through 2022?
Anonymous
Honestly, I bought some new ones. I am praying that our kids’ schools reopen (and reopen with masks, unlike some nearby areas). Our current masks are looking a bit rough with some adjusters being eaten by the dog (WTF dog?!) or just really worn elastics on some.
Cornellian
I imagine you’ll always be able to get them through etsy. No harm in having a few extras, but since they’re not particularly effective if things get worse again, I’m not stockpiling.
Anon
I just reordered our favorites (from Champion) as I am worried they will stop being made or sold soon. My state is not going to drop the requirement that kids be masked in school, so my kid needs a full mask wardrobe to carry him through at least the winter (by spring who knows where we’ll be). I ordered 20 and hope that will suffice for him and my husband and I also. I am masking indoors in crowded situations now, but plan to mask indoors this winter everywhere even though I am vaccinated because I hate getting colds.
Anonymous
I think we will need them but will not be able to buy them. Proper Cloth is already sold out of size small.
Anonymous
How long do you hold onto photos of exes? I have no trouble throwing away physical mementos, but something about deleting photos feels like it’s altering the historical record. I’m sick of swiping through photos of my ex on my phone, but I feel like if I delete them, it’s like it never happened. He was a part of my life for a long time, but he’s married to someone else now and I am not under any illusions of us getting back together. Nonetheless, it feels wrong to delete them. Thoughts?
Veronica Mars
Get them off your phone and put them in a dropbox folder, out of sight, out of mind.
Anonymous
In general, I would keep the ones that are “meaningful” or “fun” where you don’t have a photo of just you doing the thing. So, for instance, if you attended a wedding and got a pic with bride and groom, but only with ex, I’d keep that photo. If you have a photo of just you with B&G, I’d delete the one with ex. Any photo that is *only* of ex, I’d delete.
Also — what’s your backup plan for phone photos? I’d back them all up (cloud/computer) and then delete 100% of ex photos from your phone.
Anon
I have a pic or two of each of the significant partners (along with Broadway playbills and the like) in a memento box that lives in the back of my closet. I wish my mom growing up had talked to me about her previous boyfriends so that I could have understood when I was younger (and those break-ups were so, so hard) that the easy peasy forever tropes in books and movies aren’t how it works IRL.
Anon
(I forgot to get to the point) – print off a couple and add them to the box in the back of the closet.
Anonymous
I delete anything that is just a couple photo vs a memory. Ex/ photo of you guys at a random local bar – delete, photo of you guys in Rome – keep. The ones that are ‘keep’ then move to a Google drive folder or something so they’re off your phone.
Anon
I sort, name, and archive digital files every six months or so. I do not keep my phone stuffed full of photos. It’s a camera, not a file cabinet.
Anonymous
Judgy much?
Anon
LOL what? She asked for advice, I gave it, and explained my philosophy. Y’all are fragile AF.
Anon
On iPhone you can “hide” photos, so they aren’t deleted but you don’t see them unless you specifically go to look for them. I’ve done that for some photos of minor exes so they don’t come up in my memories.
Monte
My Android also allows me to hide or archive photos. I keep most of the ones with exes and only delete those that are painful for me to see (so really just one specific person I am embarrassed to have been with).
Anonymous
Are you/have you changed your behavior at all because of Delta esp if you’re vaccinated? I know the vaccine covers it but not as perfectly as it covered alpha etc. Are you back to masking if you had stopped? Double masking if you were masking before? Staying out of restaurants etc. if you otherwise were going? Staying home more? Just living regularly?
Anon
I have not changed anything yet but I was surprised to see a lot of people masked at Walmart this morning! I may consider masking again.
Anonymous
Husband and I are living regularly. Vaccinated DINKs. The one precaution we take is disclosing this behavior to everyone we know, especially parents or high risk, before we hang out with them that we are living life as normal.
Anon
Yes I’m in California. I was barely unmasked before we went back to masking. I’d just rather not get it and I think masking in public places creates just enough peer pressure for everyone else to mask except for the super strident a-holes, who weren’t going to mask no matter what.
Paging Greece in August/September traveler
Hey, I’m looking for the ‘rette who was planning a trip to Greece in late summer/early fall. We have tickets booked to Greece in September, but are now seriously rethinking those plans, as a bunch of European countries have now put Greece on their “Amber” list. I’m just curious to hear from you on what you’re thinking, as someone in a similar situation. Thanks!
Anon
I live in an EU country and recently cancelled a trip to Greece end of August. Unlikely things will get better by then, more likely things will get worse, and I don’t want to deal with ‘extra’ risk if I can instead choose to just go to another country this year. I just want to see the ocean, and don’t really care which one!
Pearls
Is there a good guide to how to buy pearls? I’m thinking of getting a pearl necklace, probably baroque pearls. I don’t love any of the Mikimoto ones, so I think I’ll be going the more independent jeweler route. But I have no idea how to gauge value for price here unlike with diamond jewelry where there’s that rating system. Looking online, there’s a massive range of prices for baroque pearl necklaces.
Veronica Mars
Your best bet for pearls is to pick a reputable vendor, because pearls are incredibly difficult to photograph accurately and difficult to consistently grade across vendors. Pearl Paradise, Pearls of Joy and Kojima Pearl are great vendors. If you email with what you’re looking for, they can send you pictures of strands not on the site (depending on the season or can let you know when more will come in). I also like Druzy Design on ebay and OceanRhyme on etsy for less expensive pearls.
Anonymous
Look for undyed pearls, hand knotted on silk, make sure the clasp is a solid metal and it’s not plated ex/ gold fill vs 18k gold. The type metal itself is just personal preference, I’m a sterling gal myself.
Anon
Pearl paradise and Kojima Pearl both have really good information on their websites. Look for the about the pearls sections. There’s also a Pearl Buying Guide by Renee Newman that is the industry standard.
You should at a minimum know about Chinese freshwater, Akoya, Tahitian, and South Sea Pearls before you buy.
Anon
I’m in m0d. Look at Pearl Buying Guide (a book) by Renee Newman. Worth buying before you invest in pearls.
cHal
Also check out posts on Paasage de Perle. She also has posted on evaluating gemstones, renovating out of date jewelry, etc.
Anonymous
Can anyone help with study tips?
Lawyer who has been out of school for 15+ years so I’m not used to studying anymore. Am taking a finance certification series of exams with a potential career switch in mind (or if not just to get some more insight for what I do). I’m on the last of a series of 3 exams (though the others were in 2019) and omg I CANNOT STUDY. Part of it is I work from home right now AND study at home so it’s just all boredom with no change of scenery. So I’ll study for 45 min and that’s it for the day. I’ve given myself the slack to do that on my first pass thru the materials/my outline. But reality is having gone thru all the info once now, if I can make myself focus, I could probably just get this done in say 3 weeks and take it by mid Aug and be done with it. It’s a bit of a memorization test with formulas etc.
How would you best do this? I used to be more productive studying in libraries etc. because I’d feel like it was a waste of time to haul myself anywhere and then sit around and waste time. But I live in a southern city where masking and distancing are over and every coffee shop etc. is packed, so that isn’t an option for me because I’d go anyplace and instead of focusing on my own studying be thinking of how many unmasked people are near me, how close the tables are etc. I live in an apartment tower so I have no outdoor space; weather permitting in school I used to be able to study for hours sitting outside but that also doesn’t work in August in the south. So I guess I’m looking for tips on set up or scheduling study time in my home.
Anonymous
Public libraries (I wouldn’t expect them to be as crowded as coffee shops). Wear an N95 in a coffee shop. I mean, if you wear an N95 you can study anywhere.
I would find it impossible to study at home as well, regardless of set up.
Cornellian
I am a lawyer going through a finance (well, investment) cert, too. I work my job at my desk and do 90% of my studying at my table, so I don’t have easy access to screens, and I don’t get distracted.
You might be better at studying than you realize. I felt wildly underprepared for the first exam and did really well. I think having practiced law for a decade helped me realize what was filler and what was relevant, which I wouldn’t have been able to do at 22.
SC
I am a lawyer and am working on a different professional certification. I am working back at the office, so I do have the differentiation, but I do all my studying at home. The schedule that has worked best for me is to use my mornings and weekends to study. I just can’t come home from work during the week and do more work-like stuff. So, my rhythm has been to wake up early, get ready for work, and study for an hour before I start work. After work, I run errands and do my weekend chores, and spend time with my family. I take Friday night off. And on Saturday and Sunday, I wake up, take a walk (also in the SEUS, so I walk early), drink my iced coffee, start a load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, and start work by 9:30. On Saturday, I work until about 5. On Sunday, I work until about 2 and take the rest of the afternoon and evening off. That’s about 15 hours per week, taking my breaks into account.
As far as my setup is concerned–I work in my home office because it’s isolated from my family, and I need to be sitting up to research and type for what I’m doing. I always make myself iced coffee in the mornings and have flavored sparkling water in the afternoons. I use the Pomodoro method to keep myself on task. And during breaks, I make myself stand up, walk away, and stretch a bit, and I use the time to switch over laundry, pick up a few items around the house, or work on a puzzle.
Anon
Does anyone here work for their state’s appellate public defenders office? I’m a civil litigator in insurance defense and have been daydreaming about a career change that better aligns with what I enjoy about practicing law (drafting briefs) and my values (lefty liberal). I’m just so sick of billable hours and defending corporations who cause injury. I’ve also toyed with representing plaintiffs but I’m not sure that’s a good fit for me either.
No Face
I’ve had several friends do this gig and it seems like a good job, if you are comfortable visiting prisons and losing most of the time. They also were able to negotiate significant vacation time because the pay isn’t much. Definitely a job I would consider if I felt over firm life / trial level work.
Anon
In my state, these are very desirable jobs, so they’re kind of tough to get unless you’re coming out of trial work with the pd. Have you done appellate work? Can you take a couple of pro Bono assignments to get your feet wet?
Undereye Bags
I went to a plastic surgeon’s office re: undereye circles/bags. I am age 45, FWIW. They recommended fillers and Botox, and because this was my first experience with injections of any kind and I was afraid of looking too plastic-y, they did a “conservative amount” of filler under both eyes and Botox around each eye for lift. This resulted in about 60% improvement on my left eye, but only improved my right eye by about 20%. At the first follow up, they tried doing some additional filler and Botox. Again, there was noticeable improvement was under the left eye, but really none under the right eye. Now I have no noticeable circle or bag under the left eye and a noticeable eye bag under my right. It looks odd to me. Second follow-up was last week. I was told that they can’t really do anything else without surgery, which I don’t want. Any suggestions or ideas? Tips for hiding bags?
Anon
Get some filler dissolved for balance and use makeup. Seek the opinion of a different doctor.
AZCPA
How long has it been since the more recent injections? It can take a couple weeks for botox to reach full impact and filler to settle.
Who actually did the injections? My best results have been from a nurse who literally does injectables all day, vs a doctor who rushes and does more things. Were they putting the same amount in both sides? Between natural asymmetry and which side I sleep on more, I get far more filler on one side than the other. You may also need a different filler on one side vs the other, since the different types and textures are all better for different things.
So I’d probably start with a second opinion, specifically a cosmetic dermatologist, for more options.
Anonymous
It was an aesthetician. It’s been about 4 weeks.
Anonymous
Co-sign the recommendation for a second opinion. From someone who also needed waaaay more filler on one side than the other.
ANON
Ladies, I was just diagnosed with g-herp_es this morning (trying to avoid mod)…I am distraught and feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I’m single and am terrified that this diagnosis means I am going to be single forever because nobody will want to date me due to the diagnosis.
I need al of your advice, words of wisdom, stories, etc…I really feel like my world has shattered.
Anonymous
Welcome to the vast majority of sexually active people. This isn’t a big deal at all. Your doctor can talk to you about handling outbreaks safely. This will not have any real impact.
anon4this
Anon, SO sorry you are going through this. I think this is something that is so common but no one talks about and the stigma is a thousand times worse than the illness itself. If you haven’t already, google stories/articles of women who have been through it – the common theme (and what I have heard from a friend who has been through this) is that once they get through the grief and shame of the diagnosis, their life largely returns to normal. My friend is now happily married with kids and never had trouble dating, etc. following her diagnosis. Try to remember that it’s essentially the same virus as the chicken pox and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not AT ALL a reflection of you as a person and you still deserve love and happiness! Again, so sorry you’re dealing with this. Hope you have someone you can confide in – can you take the afternoon off and eat ice cream on the couch?
Anon
Aw – no advice but I am so sorry you are dealing with this! Sending you hugs!!!
pugsnbourbon
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Herp*s is incredibly common – something like 50% of Americans between 14 and 49 carry HSV-1 or HSV-2. You aren’t dirty, you aren’t damaged, you have no reason to be ashamed.
Your HSV2+ Friend
Hi! I have HSV2 and have for years. First, my outbreaks are much better now than they were when I was diagnosed (about … 9 ? years ago). That seems to be the case for many people. If your outbreaks are bad, you can be on year-round suppressive therapy, which really reduces your risk of transmission to a partner. Also, there is some evidence to suggest that a partner can take it prophylactically (sp?) to reduce transmission as well. Also, if you are F and your partner is M, there is a low chance of transmission off the bat — women are much more likely to get it than give it. (Not sure how well F to F transmission is studied). Facts are really your friend here.
I got it from a partner (or…maybe they got it from me) and we later ended up married. In the meantime, I dated around some, and I did get partners who turned me down because of it. That stings — a lot. I have other partners who were unbothered, as long as using protection, including me being on suppressives. Condms are not necessarily protection as lesions can happen anywhere. One of my partner’s doctors said “it’s kind of like acne, but for your geni tals.” I liked that viewpoint as it was non-judgemental and simply acknowledged that it is annoying and frustrating. I was also distraught (and mad/frustrated/everything) during my diagnosis, but it does get better.
Anonymous
When my now-husband and I got tested for HIV and more they told us that herpes is so common they didn’t even TEST for it.
Something else really common: HPV — so go get your vaccine.
Anon now
You should not be ashamed – you didn’t do anything wrong! I have it, my best friend has it, her 20-something-daughter has it; I don’t know the statistics but it’s very common.
I’m an old, for this group, and got it maybe 8 years ago. My now ex-H got it in his single days in the mid-80s; he disclosed it to me early on, it didn’t scare me off and, hey, I married him. We were kind of careful, particularly when he had an oubreak or felt one coming on. Still, we had lots of unprotected s*x over the years – and I didn’t get it until we’d been together for more than 20 years!
I have had two relationships since my divorce, and one FWB situation, disclosed that I had herpes to each man involved, and none of themwas scared off, either. I now take valacyclovir daily, and I have had one tiny oubreak in the last 6 years. My gyn explained to me that the chance of passing on the virus when you have no symptoms is very small, and when you are taking the meds it is vanishingly small. Maybe it’s TMI, but my SO and I, who are exclusive and healthy, are not using any protection at all (no BC needed, because yay to menopause), and it has been 100% fine. (Also, my ex has remarried; he told me that he disclosed his status very early, and it didn’t faze her.)
You will be fine! And I am living proof that you totally can date, get married or just fool around, with the main cost being just a slightly awkward conversation with a potential new partner (and it is only as awkward as you make it).
BensonRabble
I’m sorry for the news but your life isn’t over. Its very common and there are scripts online for telling partners a d getting over misplaced shame. You will be ok!
Anon
I have HSV-1 in my nether regions. My husband has cold sores. I think you can guess how I got it.
It’s an inconvenience because my outbreaks hurt and it closes down the shop, so to speak. Other than that, though, it’s not one of my more significant maladies so I don’t give it much thought. I also don’t use antiviral drugs because I don’t notice much of a difference. I do use over the counter cold sore medication when it happens, thought – abreva.
Anon
Story for you, in case this helps: My BFF was diagnosed with g-herpes when she was in her 30s and single. Met a great guy, was worried about telling him. Surprise, he had it already. They’ve been married a long time now. It’s very common for people to have it. I am sorry you are feeling so down about this. You are getting great advice, just know that this doesn’t define you as a person and there are plenty of people out there who have it themselves, or will not be fazed by you having it.
anon
I had no issue dating someone with GH and would do it again. He rarely had outbreaks and it was seriously NBD.
Anonymous
I’m going to a party this weekend where there will be a bunch of people I don’t know/ haven’t seen outside of masked school pickups since 2019. I feel like I have forgotten how to properly socialize.
What are some good conversation starters? Most people there are families w/ kids and live in my town and we’ve done lots of masked waves from cars but not much actual conversation.
Anon
Oh how fun! I would ask them how they have been doing, how are the kids/school, what fun things they have been doing to survive. Maybe think in advance of fun stories that you can share about what you have done or anything upcoming that you have planned.