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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This type of square neckline has its lovers and its haters, but I’m really liking the scalloped details on this sweater from Endless Rose.
Lightweight sweaters are perfect for the tricky fall season, when you might need several layers in the morning but will be sweating by the afternoon. I would layer this under a blazer for a 50-degree morning and wear it on its own for a 70-degree afternoon.
The sweater is $70 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS-L.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
anon
I have a breakfast nook in my house that isn’t furnished/I don’t know what to do with, and I’d like to figure this out. I already have a dining room and a living room in close proximity so that feels a little superfluous, but I think I may make it into a sitting area by default. What would you do with this space? and also, what are some good places to shop for furniture and the like that are good quality but not expensive? the rest of my house is furnished wiht room and board, crate and barrel etc and that’s a little out of the budget now.
anon
Breakfast nooks often have great light– does yours? hard to give lots of advice without knowing your circumstances (do you love to read, i love a good reading chair with good light… do you have little ones, a play area or art area might be good). That said i would look on craigslist, buy nothing sites, facebook market place… there is a ton of beautiful quality furniture out there if you are flexible (says someone in the process of helping her aging parents empty their home).
Anon
I would use it as intended – a breakfast nook. It’s nice to have somewhere less formal than a dining room to eat/sit.
Anon
+1
Senior Attorney
Same. I had a breakfast room in my first house and I loved it as an informal family dining area.
anon
Same here. Our dinning room has fabric chairs and the breakfast nook has wooden chairs which are perfect for post work out, yard work munching.
Cb
Would it make a nice kind of home management centre?
Kitchen Remodel
I would make it a coffee nook, with an armchair and a tiny shelf for reading books, but I suppose it depends if you would use it! I’m not sure if there’s anything in your nook right now (like a bench), but dearmodern just did a short form video on transforming your breakfast nook so that you’ll use it more. Could be helpful!
Anonymous
+1, would make it a reading nook, preferably filled with plants. We have a breakfast nook right off our kitchen (dining room is off the other side of kitchen) and it’s largely used as a playroom. There’s a long bench with large built-in drawers underneath that store all the toys my kids play with most (trains, diploma, marble run, play kitchen toys, and magnetiles), and a few odd kitchen items (tablecloths and other infrequently used linens). When kids outgrow that use, I’d love to turn it into a book nook.
Anon
adding support for a sitting area.
My parents renod their kitchen. Expanding the island for counter top seating. The eating area at the end of the original kitchen used to have a kitchen table and home office area flanked by the built ins around a fireplace. They added a smaller built in desk, repainted the built ins, and added two mcm arm chairs to create a reading and coffee area. Lovely in the mornings especially in winter with the fireplace, and nice to have so people can sit while meals are cooking but not being all up in the food prep area.
Anonymous
What’s the light like, how comfortable is the space, and what kind of things do you like to do? I’d never actually sit in a sitting nook, for example, if it was a wide-open space that was essentially a hallway between the kitchen and the door to laundry room. I might, however, do desk work there. I’m also realistic enough to know that while I might like the idea of a craft area, I wouldn’t actually use it, and the table would just collect random junk and mail and turn into a clutter spot.
Anon
My dream for mine is to line it with cushioned benches like a westernized majlis. And my plan would be just to hire someone who can make benches since I’d need a custom fit anyway.
Anon
If you read reviews carefully, there is some decent stuff on Wayfair. I read reviews to determine ease of assembly and quality. Shopping carefully, I haven’t been disappointed by my wayfair purchases.
anon
Do you have pets? Sounds like the idea spot for a dog bed or the cat’s feeding station.
Assuming no pets, then my vote is plants and a comfortable chair with a little table to sit and have your morning coffee at. I’m picturing a Golden Girls aesthetic, if that helps this make sense.
Anon
I have a breakfast nook that I struggled with furnishing because it felt like it required a lot of attention to detail on scale and dimensions of furniture. I ended up paying for design services from Havenly and I was pretty happy with the outcome. I even sprung for the level that includes CAD modeling of the space. But they had cheaper levels that probably would have worked to with out a full 3D rendering.
In-House Anon
We turned our breakfast nook into a built-in window seat/day bed with storage underneath, with bench-to-ceiling bookshelves on either side. It was expensive, but we use it so much more than we ever did our breakfast nook.
Anon
I had one at my old house that also seemed superfluous as it was steps from the dining room. I measured carefully and found I could fit a desk across it, and from then on used it as a place to pay bills, do an occasional WFH (pre pandemic) etc.
Seventh Sister
I had a really impractical one in my old rental house and I wish I’d used it more for coffee/breakfast. It became sort of a kitchen-gadget and old furniture repository and I regret it.
Anonny
If you don’t have a space but would use one I’d put in a home office type of space with a desk and computer. My home office is intentionally near the kitchen rather than in an extra bedroom, and I really like the proximity to the activity of the house rather than being tucked away. While DH and I both work from home, both of our jobs are quiet and the house is pretty quiet during the day.
Anonymous
we have a sunroom off the kitchen/dining area that is one of my favorite rooms in the house – we like a cozy room so we put a sectional in it, coffee table, and large arm chair, and all of my plants are in there. (the sliding door to the outside is basically one of the walls.)
anon
I think this sweater is awful and dated and the styling with the fitted light pants looks very square to me. that is all.
Anon
I usually love a scallop but this is not it. Something about the colour and styling maybe.
Clara
Pants like this look so good on me but they are also so not in style right now :(
I went shopping yesterday and almost every single pant I saw was wide legged.
Anonny
And yet I saw a recent picture of Katie Holmes wearing skinny jeans in NYC. I’m now giving up on which pants are in.
Kitchen Remodel
It’s cerulean. Very 2006 “fished this out of a bargain bin in the corner”, thanks Meryl Streep.
Anonymous
Well, the Youth have been wearing 90s, maybe early aughts will be in. I wouldn’t mind another go at the full, Mad Men style skirts that were in for a few years.
I love this color blue, but agree that it doesn’t pair well with the scalloped edge.
Anon
It should be worn under yesterday’s blazer for best effect.
Brontosaurus
I really don’t like it, either.
I wasn’t familiar with the brand and most of their items are very different from this sweater! I have a winter wedding coming up and I like the look of this jumpsuit: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/bow-strap-sweetheart-neck-velvet-jumpsuit/7180599?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FEndless%20Rose&color=300
Anonymous
Agree with every single word
Anonymous
i would have said this sweater was dated 20 years ago. but these days it’s like tube socks and all the other stuff from the 80s, you just have to adjust your eyes back to it.
Anon
Very dated top.
Anonymous
My sister has checked herself into a residential behavioral health facility for some very complex mental health issues (including but not limited to bipolar and alcoholism) at age 39 and (another) emergency hospitalization.
She’s allowed to have a non internet mp3 player and books but books are “screened for content.”
1) any recs for an mp3 player with no internet and long battery life? The one we got my teen for sleepaway camp is great but technically has internet (which was disabled at camp).
2) any idea how to find and/or load music and/or what music? I’m…not a music person.
3) she doesn’t read much anymore because her concentration is fried; I’m thinking of maybe loading up a couple audiobooks and would love suggestions that fall into the “benign content” category. I assume no triggering themes.
Any other suggestions would be welcome; our family has been trying to get her to make this move for about a year and we are cautiously optimistic about a really rough situation.
Anon
Can you get an old school iPod on eBay or something?
Anon
This is the answer. I have one that I have kept in good working order for 15 years; I use it for music during marathons.
Anonymous
Do you buy music and then transfer it over? Talk to me like I’m 200 and don’t understand technology at all. :)
Anon
Sure!
Download iTunes. From there, you can get music onto the iPod one of two ways:
1. Buy a CD and upload the music, or
2. Buy music on iTunes.
I have done both. My family has an epic CD collection from the aughts (about 300 albums), so I’ve loaded that onto my iPod. I also buy music on iTunes.
If you have music on CDs, you will just pop the CD into the disc drive on your computer. Something should pop up about putting the CD’s music into iTunes. Hit “yes” or whatever exactly it is, and then iTunes will import it.
You can create playlists.
Once you’re done with that, plug the iPod into the computer and it will sync.
anon
The problem with CDs is how do you get that music onto your computer. I was just at a Half Price Books from the early 2000s for like $1.99 each and I thought about buying some and uploading the music but I realized that none of my computers actually have CD slots anymore. I’m sure some do but nothing I currently own
Anon
Depending on how many CDs you have, it could be worthwhile to buy a USB CD drive.
Rebel without applause
oh as a tech dinosaur, this is my place to shine – I also use a dumb MP3 player, with corded headphones (aghast!) for running
1. I have a sandisk clip jam dumb mp3 player, it was dirt cheap (compared to modern music players) and it plays mp3s (you can buy on ebay)
2. I have itunes on my computer and it’s also in dumb mode, I only ever touch the hard files I own and I never go into the apple store or whatever it’s now called.
3. I also own an external CD-Rom drive, plug it in, rent cds from the library and I have most of the music I want. rip CD to itunes library in mp3 form.
5. make playlists, upload to my dumb mp3 player. thrive
does it sound onerous? yes.
is it? not really, just involves a lot of cords, which is a foreign concept these days. It also ensures that I own my music library rather than being at the mercy of streaming and the internet and bluetooth and being charged, etc. This is my small rebellion against The Death of Physical Media.
Anonymous
Read the recent story in the NYT about how a lot of these institutions keep people without their consent to get more insurance $$$
Anonymous
OP here – that wasn’t really my question but I have already read the article. As the family trying to support her, we did as much diligence as possible on the facility she’s going to which is a luxury many patients don’t have because they are in active crisis mode.
Mental health is very complicated and sad. My extended family has learned a lot in the past 10+ years of her struggles.
Anonymous
fair enough, just wanted to warn you if you hadn’t. there are caregiver/family member support groups through NAMI, but you probably know that.
Anon
On number 3 – classic YA novels? Some Babysitter’s Club might be nostalgic, or Harry Potter, A Wrinkle in Time?
Anon
That’s a great idea! If it were me in that situation, Baby-Sitter’s Club would hit the spot.
Anonymous
OP here- I have kids that recently read these and have them at home (we also watched the BSC reboot on Netflix). They are hilariously quick reads. But that said, I’ll go through my tween’s bookshelf and I bet there is some fun stuff.
Anon
We thinking this too – little house on the prairie or All of a Kind family are really gentle. Sending best wishes to your relative and so glad they are getting help.
a.n.o.n.
all of a kind family is SUCH a good suggestions! in a similar vein, ballet shoes by noelle streetfield?
pink nails
+1 I immediately thought of the Harry Potter series. I actually re-read the series every 2 years or so, typically when life is a lot. It’s just so nostalgic for me and the re-reads are so good since you can see how intricate the story just all comes together.
Other classics –
The Boxcar Children
Harriet the Spy
The Rats of Nimh
The Borrowers
Little House on the Prairie
Anon
Anne of Green Gables if that was her style before her troubles. (I love all things old-fashioned and fully understand that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.)
Anon
I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds Harry Potter comforting :)
Meg
Graphic novels and magazines might also suit for low concentration distractions. You can often find someone selling a crate of old Elle or National Geographic on FB Marketplace.
Anonymous
Anne of Green Gables, the teenage/college years.
IL
Some book ideas for when life doesn’t leave much room for concentration:
– poetry
– short stories
– devotionals, which can be religious or not
In case you aren’t super familiar with devotionals that aren’t primarily religious, they can be as entertaining as Bad Days in History by Michael Farquhar or 40 Days with Jane Austen by Rachel Mann.
Good luck with the treatment! I hope it helps her move forward.
Anon
I have never been in this situation, but if she would be interested in a current novel, Remarkably Bright Creatures was a warm hug of a book, and I thought the audio was excellent.
Anon
I would call the facility and ask what the content limitations are. I’m not sure if they are trying to avoid sex or violence or both or something else. YA books may work. I like Lisa See books, and can’t think of anything that would be objectionable in something like the island of sea women. But IME every facility has different rules, so I would check on those for this location.
I wish your sister luck in her treatment. I have a family member with bipolar and it can be a hard road. I hope that she gets the treatment she needs.
Digby
Novels that I recall as benign: How to Age Disgracefully, The Secret Diary of Henrik Gruen, A Man called Ove, Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand, Cold Comfort Farm, Three Men in a Boat. I think most Anne Tyler novels. Oh, P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves and Wooster books.
Music: If you get a Spotify or Tidal subscription, there are apps that will allow you to convert music from those sites to mp3s that you can then download.
Best wishes to you and your sister.
ABanon
Just a caution. I read A Man Called Ove while hospitalized myself & it was a terrible choice — the main character is suicidal.
Digby
Oh, that’s awful – thank you for pointing that out! I just remembered the “grumpy old man gradually warming up to his kind neighbors” theme.
Anon
Lies and Weddings by Kevin Kwan was wonderful light reading.
ALT
Crazy Rich Asians might be a good series too—I can’t remember anything objectionable there?
anon for this
Is she allowed activity books? Adult coloring books, paint by sticker, sudoku, word searches, that sort of thing?
My heart and thoughts are with you and your family, and hoping for the best for her.
Anonymous
Depending on how ill she is, she might not have the bandwidth for any sort of reading. She might also be in a state where everything is deeply symbolic for her and whatever you choose is felt as a deep message so ask for help to navigate.
Anon
I just want to give you a hug.
I’ve never been in a facility, but when I was deeply depressed, I was encouraged by reading both memoirs and thrillers. The memoirs gave me hope (reading about the adversity of others) and the thrillers kept me interested. For thrillers, try Ruth Ware. For memoirs/biographies, I liked Mariah Carey (she had a rough upbringing that is detailed), Paris Hilton (although there’s a story in it where she was SAed), Michelle Obama, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, etc. She may also like a book of essays so she can read one at a time and not get burned out.
For music, I’d recommend anything she would have listened to as a teenager. So high school/college. There are studies that say you are programmed to love the music you listened to as a teenager. So she was a teen in the late 90s/early 2000s – I would upload boy bands, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Destiny’s Child, Gwen Stefani (I really prefer female artists, but that’s just me). I hope this helps.
Anon
Did she ask you for audiobooks?
Anon
As someone who has been through this with multiple family members, this is really good news. Thank you for being such a supportive sister. I also recommend checking out your local NAMI support groups for family members. I found that to be a great resource. They also have a local help line you can call, that is often staffed by volunteers who have had family members in crisis/similar situations, and I have gotten really wonderful advice on the fly.
Anonymous
Thanks- we are plugged into NAMI and some local to her resources.
Anonymous
Are graphic novels allowed as “books”? That may be less stressful for her as a reader, and they are rated so you can avoid any with mature/triggering themes.
anon
For audiobooks, would recommend the All Creatures Great and Small series!
Anonymous
ella enchanted, house in the cerulean sea, hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy
if she likes romance, the immortals after dark series is silly but fun (paranormal vampires/werewolves stuff), rafe the buff male babysitter is an extremely low angst novella (there is an abusive ex with anger problems though), and most of jennifer crusie stuff is low angst – bet me and welcome to temptation are my favorites.
oh and i just heard a glowing review of jamaal the IT guy. in fact maybe you could get her an audible or kindle unlimited sub?
Ethics
A lot of commenters on this board represent large companies that engage in questionable activities. How do you reconcile that with your own views? For example, if you were tasked with coming up with a legal way to do something you deem unethical, would you do it? Would you feel bad about doing it? I struggle with this myself and wonder how others get through it.
anon
where did you get this? no one says what they do in such specifics…. that said i wouldn’t play around with my law license and wouldn’t work somewhere that expected me to.
Anon
Same.
Mara
I don’t think its about specifics. I have friends who work in big law, for example, and while they certainly aren’t being expected to do anything against their law license they may not morally like being on the side of the case they’re on.
Anonymous
This. I guess so much of it involves what you consider “evil.” If you consider banking and things like enforcing mortgages evil, or oil and gas evil, then yeah, a lot of us do work that supports a capitalist economy. I don’t consider that evil. I would never do anything unethical.
Anonymous
We have at least one union buster from McKinsey here, does that count as evil?
OP
Yes.
Anonymous
I’m a management side labor lawyer and I sleep great at night. Strong unions are great adversaries with fantastic legal counsel. No qualms about engaging with them and defending my client’s interests. And I have great cordial relationships with Union counsel and on both sides we do a ton of work towards labor peace.
Anonymous
Your word choices are absolutely fascinating
Anon
Not even a little.
Cora
It varies depending on the person right? I couldn’t work in any of those industries because I didn’t like spending so much of my day working to support something I considered immoral.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
I lasted a whopping 7 months working full time for evil corp before I left. I literally stress puked most days because I was so distraught. I don’t think most people will admit they do evil stuff, they have a whole mental gymnastics to justify it.
Anon
Yes, the mental gymnastics are incredible.
OP
I regularly see people posting here that they work for F500 companies and I also regularly see F500 companies in the news for questionable behavior. I’m talking about things like mistreatment of workers, destruction of the environment, etc. I don’t think any manager ever comes in and says “how do I make it legal to cut down this rainforest,” as an example, but the work getting done and the decisions being made ultimately lead there.
Anon
Right – even if your work isn’t evil you’re a cog in a machine that is doing evil. You still have blood on your hands.
Anon
Unless you are living off the grid, you are also part of the machine.
Anonymous
You can mostly opt out of the machine (car free, zero waste, etc) and still participate in society.
Anon
How do you think your food gets to the grocery store? Where does your electricity come from? How is your toothbrush manufactured?
Anon
You can not opt out of capitalism. Capitalism is human nature and why communism eventually ends up with a handful of very wealthy people at the top (Russia, China). You can go work for a dot org or whatever and give yourself a pat on the back but you’re still going to be participating in the general economy.
Anon
No, capitalism is not human nature. Capitalism and communism aren’t the only two possibilities or even the only two historical norms.
Anon
Capitalism is absolutely human nature. It goes back to trading beads and wanting to beg the very best deal for what you’re trading. Everyone innately maximizes for themselves or their family unit.
Anon
Trade =/= capitalism.
Also, I look around me and constantly people see who don’t really do that!
Anon
I just don’t share your worldview.
Anon
I’ve been a public defender so I have defended people to ensure that their rights are complied with. They have actually factually admitted to horrific things (in their public plea bargains) and they are often alleged to have done much worse. Banks too big to fail is such crying from the comfort of a nice armchair.
Clara
Honestly I comparatively really understand the argument that everyone should get proper representation to ensure the the legal system runs basically. That seems more defendable than just working for an oil company.
Anon
I work for an oil company. I assume that you enjoy having heat and gas in your car, and understand that going all-electric is decades away.
Anonymous
All electric could happen tomorrow if there was the political will. This is a lobbying issue not a science one.
Laura
This is not even remotely true. I work in the electrical utility sector around solving green energy problems. The grid is decades away from being able to go “all electric.” We need to build huge new substations and transmissions lines just to meet demand. We have no where near the capacity in many regions (like the NE) to even meet existing demand for electrical supply.
Also, where do you think electricity comes from? In many cases its still “dirty” fuels.
Google energy grid capacity and electric supply. There has been a lot of interesting reporting on this lately. Dominion Energy in VA is a good example.
Anon
Anon at 9:56 am, I have an engineering degree and can assure you that you are completely wrong from a scientific and engineering standpoint.
Anonymous
Being a public defender is a very different thing than helping a big corporation make $$$ at the expense of regular people. It’s about defending the constitution, holding law enforcement to account, checking prosecutorial overreach, and a host of other things that benefit society as a whole. Also, even people who have definitely committed the most terrible of crimes should still be treated as human beings even if they didn’t afford that consideration to their victims. This is important to preserving our own humanity as a species.
Anon
This.
Even people who have some horrific things deserve the dignity of legal counsel.
You’re fighting the good fight.
Senior Attorney
+1
anon
as a former veteran prosecutor, I 100% agree with this sentiment, and always have (I have tremendous respect for almost all of the PDs I litigated against over the course of a decade, including numerous trials).
anon
As a current prosecutor, i concur.
Anon
A lot of people simply do not care. A good job is a good job and if it pays the bills, they literally do not spend any time handwringing over the ethics of it. I’ve seen it many times and honestly, sometimes it looks appealing to be less neurotic.
Anonymous
It does look so appealing, I wish I had the ability to be like that.
Anonymous
I mean, good for you? Don’t break your arm patting yourself on your own back for your moral superiority.
Anon
So many defensive folks today! OP asked a really legitimate question. Telling that nobody will legitimately answer it.
Anonymous
Plenty of people have. In sum – there are two sides to most every story and many of the “evil” corporations referenced in this chain provide something that is ultimately necessary – energy to power your car, pharmaceuticals, loans to buy homes, fun food to eat. Few, if any, corporations of any size go into it with the idea of stealing money and killing people. Businesses get bigger because of economies of scale. No one (at least on this chain) is saying that they do anything unethical or that goes against their own moral compass. Not everyone is built to work with abused children; it’s just not how my strengths and personality work. And working for the government has its own problems. TLDR – Good for you, not for me.
Anon
If you were expecting a bunch of people to say “You’re right, I quit” then you are going to be sorely disappointed. Most of us work for a paycheck.
Clara
This is definitely it for a bunch of people.
It’s not a moral superiority thing. There are solid advantages to seeing it as “a job is a job”. I do think it makes a smoother life.
Anon
I have a family member who works for a “big bad oil company”. You could say he works for an evil industry but at the same time we still need oil as a society and somebody has to do the job.
Anon
I work in humanitarian aid for a reason :)
Except for 18 months, I’ve worked for NGOs or the government. Not that all NGOs or all government offices (or administrations…) are perfect, but I feel good in the fact that no matter where I’m working, I’m committed to helping people in literally their worst days. Even when I hit really frustrating roadblocks that I can’t get around, at least I know I’ve treated everyone I’ve encountered in my work with dignity, respect, and a smile and that’s a great feeling.
I worked for a F50 company for about 18 months and while the company wasnt overtly evil, I still felt really gross working there. Just knowing the extreme income disparity that existed at the company, or the fact that there were layoffs the same year the CEO officially became a billionaire was enough for me to want to GTFO, so I did.
Pivoted to working for FEMA and it’s not perfect, but my day to day work is in disaster survivor assistance and I go to bed at night feeling really good about what I do.
FWIW, I was raised by two teachers so I was raised with the belief that you have to both feel good about the work you do and enjoy it. I’m so glad for that lesson.
I truly think that I’ve been given a lot in this life (frankly, everyone on this board has), and thus I have an obligation to give back both in my career and my personal life. It’s unacceptable to take my privilege and not use it to try my hardest to make a difference.
anon
This post is written like you are looking for a fight. Which, it’s the internet, so fair enough. But pot-stirring is against my moral compass, since you’re curious about my views.
OP
I’m not. I’m having a tough week because of the implications of something I’m working on and I was looking for commiseration or tips to get through it. I am trying to leave the job but that takes time.
Anonymous
That’s good context, OP. I, too, thought the post was written by our resident troll who often posts a topic merely so he can answer it repeatedly from different angles, and stir up a fight “among the ladies.” (That’s what i imagine him saying, as he thinks stuff up.)
Senior Attorney
OP, I have been in your shoes. When I was an associate at a law firm I was asked to work on a case where I felt like our client was flat-out wrong and immoral, and I screwed my courage to the sticking post and refused to work on it. I thought there was a good chance I’d be fired and I decided I was okay with that. I wasn’t fired but I was allowed to be taken off the case. You can judge me for continuing to work for the firm, but at least I didn’ directly participate in the case I thought was wrong. So is asking to be taken off this assignment an option for you?
Anon
I work in private equity regulatory compliance. While I definitely think the field does tremendous harm, I make peace with my role because I am able to minimize the harm by helping my firm follow the regulations that have been implemented to protect others. I am able to voice concerns when I see an issue and my employer actually listens because they care about things like reputational risk, and they know I am not trying to undermine them.
Anon
With love, it’s better to post the actual question (how do I reconcile this issue I’m struggling with?) than to phrase it as a just-asking-questions pot-stirring post.
Anon
sometimes commenters here are bananas! I actually think OP got a fair amount of reflective comments that might help her. Just to add the other side – I recently posted about an internal struggle I was having from the first-person perspective (after considering, and ultimately deciding against, posting it as a reflective query as OP did, i.e., “have you ever done [X]? if so, what were your reasons for doing so?”). I genuinely wanted to know what a person would do [X] to get some insight, which would have helped me process my situation, and instead, I ended up posting “Person did [X], and it impacted me this way, so I’m struggling with why they did it. If you’ve ever done [X], can you provide insight as to why you did it so I can better understand this person’s thinking.”
However, all of the comments in response turned into a deep dive of why I was struggling with the situation, which were – frankly – not helpful. I don’t think anyone commented with any sort of a reflective answer, unlike here where the OP actually got a pretty good cross section of self-reflections. Just throwing it out there!!
Anonymous
Change your beliefs to fit your job and move on. You sound very immature.
Anon
I left the private sector because of this. Even though I wasn’t asked to do anything unethical, I thought my company putting profits over people was unethical. The company didn’t even have any awful policies I knew about, but I knew how expensive our product was (and how well our company was doing – there was no need to raise prices) during the pandemic when I knew people were struggling financially.
I’m back in government and thrilled. Nervous for November, I worked in government during the Trump administration and I was lucky to not have my work too impacted by politics.
Obviously I recognize that the government isn’t perfect, but at least the crux of my work is helping people.
As I’m dating – I struggle with this a lot. It important to me that my partner works in a helping career too (or at least something I see as ethical) and honestly? That’s hard to find.
I’d much rather be less well off and marry a teacher or an environmental conservation worker or something than be better off financially but married to an investment banker…
Clara
I struggled with this in dating too. I would rather not marry an investment banker but so many of the men I meet are . . . not in a helping profession. I’m trying to decide whether to let that go.
Anon
Most of the people I know are somewhere in between. For example, my boyfriend works in the corporate office for a local irrigation company. This isn’t a helping profession, but it’s a good local company that does honest work that he enjoys. You get to have whatever qualifications you want, but there are a ton of people out there who aren’t teachers but also aren’t investment bankers.
Anon
Why would you let that go, if by “that” you mean that these are men whose work you believe is harmful, or who have no thoughts about the struggle to choose moral behavior in a capitalist system? The bar for men is in hell already, no need to dig a trench for it.
Anon
One of my deepest secrets is that I secretly judge my friends for the industries, companies, or roles they work in.
I was raised in a family where everyone was in a helping profession. It was ingrained in me that no matter what we have the responsibility to give back to our communities. It never occurred to me to not go into a helping profession.
Anon
If everyone worked in a “helping profession,” how would new houses get built, food get grown, computers get manufactured, books get printed, classrooms get cleaned, streets get paved, or any of that? You wouldn’t have the people or the money.
Anonymous
I’d argue that everything you listed is also a helping profession
Anon
None of this would be possible without the massive entities that some of the posters dislike. Electronics include materials that are mined. Books get printed because companies cut down trees. Cleaning supplies are chemicals produced by manufacturers. Streets are paved with asphalt, tar, and other materials, using heavy machinery manufactured by companies. The world is complex.
Anon
When I was the GC of a trucking company, was I in a helping profession?
Anonymous
Some of the worst people I know are in “helping professions.” I think sometimes they attract people who get off on power or moral superiority by being seen as working in service. The smugness with some of these comments sort of underscores that.
I think it’s more important to be a good person than to quibble over whether your life as a pothole filler or kindergarten teacher made the world better. Both professions are needed.
Anonymous
It’s crazy that smugness is the same crime as poisoning children, or maiming employees .
Anon
I sincerely doubt there’s anyone on this board who spends their days maiming children and employees.
Anon
Yeah but there’s probably someone here who works for Nestle, for example, so they’re part of a company that is doing exactly that
Anonymous
And it’s exactly this sort of stuff that I’m talking about. The whole sanctimonious thing. Yes, I would prefer a kind person who works for a packaging manufacturer (or Nestle!) than the social worker or government employee who perhaps enjoys the thrill of controlling needed aid or falsely thinks themselves superior than those they help. While helping professions may attract those who want to make the world better. All too often, they also attract those who enjoy a power trip in life. You’re fooling yourself to think any differently.
Anon
What? Are you serious….?
Anon
Agree with 1:38
Anon
I deal in insurance fraud and there are absolutely tons of horrible people on the “helping professions” side of the equation. Some of them are in jail now, and rightly so.
Anon
Reminds me of a friend I have who works for BCG but has “for what shall it profit a man if he should gain the world but lose his soul”. Come on, my man!
Anon
This question is far more nuanced than some of the posters seem to feel.
There are a very few companies, like cigarette companies, that I really don’t see how they’re doing anything but hurting people. I couldn’t work for one of those. I do truly think those are few and far between.
Then there are others, like pharma companies, that do a lot of good and some bad. Even oil companies do something good bc we do truly need oil currently to keep cars moving, etc (though I do think that should all be phased out). In these companies, there’s a lot of focus on the positive aspects. If you work for something like this, I think the best course of action for getting through it is to remind yourself that you need a job so you can find the next job that doesn’t make you uncomfortable. And job hunt in the meantime!
I have a few issues that I care so deeply about that I would get fired over them. Those are VERY few and far between. I’m a lawyer, and I am very anti death penalty. Because of that, I’ve never sought out jobs where I’d be expected to defend that practice in any capacity. I would truly get fired over it, so I just don’t put myself in that position.
I also wouldn’t do something unethical to my profession, like something that could affect my license. I can’t do any good in my profession if that’s gone!
Anon
Right, it’s a lot more complicated than just “good” verses “evil.” Almost any large organization is doing some things that aren’t good, but also doing a lot of things that people really rely on. And in a lot of cases, there are good (but complicated) reasons for the things that outwardly look bad or even “evil.” I doubt many of us are doing work that we believe is reasonably called evil, even if they are thought of that way by outsiders.
I used to work for a large insurance company, and when we would deny claims, people sometimes accused me of being evil. But the fact is, I never denied a claim without a good reason, and I understand that insurers can’t just pay claims with no standards. I certainly paid many, many more claims that I thought were complete BS than I denied when I had any qualms with whatsoever.
Anon
You never denied a claim without a good reason, but how many claims ever made it to you?
I know too many people who have waited on prior authorizations for standard of care treatment while literally hospitalized in ICUs to ever conclude that insurers are not evil.
Anonymous
Shh, we like to pretend there aren’t people who die while waiting for completely unnecessary paperwork
Anon
It wasn’t medical insurance. As I said, the world is more complicated than you usually think.
Anon
Yes, lots of quagmires in the insurance industry, but many people have also died waiting for an appt through Medicaid, the NHS or Canadian Medicare…*Someone* has to pay, and “the government” isn’t a utopian answer
Anonymous
Canadian Medicare, lol clearly you’re so well read on the issue.
Anon
You seem to responding to a claim adjuster assuming that if she didn’t work as a claim adjuster then no one would and all claims would be approved. Go check out waiting times at the NHS.
Anon
Re. NHS, I think English speaking countries with protestant work ethic heritage don’t like caring for sick and disabled people whether they’re trying to profit of their existence or just viewing them as a burden on society. There are other cultures and value systems in the world though.
Anon
@3:33 you should go live in a place with your ideal culture and value systems then. Bye.
Anon
Well I don’t live in England and see no reason to cede yet another country to the English. But I’d definitely take your advice if I did.
Cerulean
Yes, and the workers for these employers have vastly different amounts of social capital to influence the decisions their company makes and may have fewer opportunities to work elsewhere. I hold executives to very different standards than middle management or the security staff.
Anon
I have worked in biglaw – lots of questionable clients – and now work at a company people here seem to think is immoral, although I personally do not feel that way. I have never given any advice about how to do anything illegal, but I have given lots of advice saying this is the thing you need to do, and if you don’t do it, the risks are xyz, and I know or later learn that they have decided to take that risk. I have never been the decision maker on that, and while I sometimes get annoyed at it, it’s never caused me to quit. I like my job, I think I play my part in the world, I sleep well at night. I have never done tobacco or firearms, those would be a hard no for me. It sounds like the OP is asking this legitimately, but a lot of these responses seem incredibly smug to me.
Anon
I concur about the smugness! It’s easy to say you judge people for XYZ, but sometimes a person is in a job with a company that’s not completely evil and they realize “how the sausage is made.” Then you have to figure out what to do until you can find a new job.
Anon
Agree. It has Gen Z all over it.
Anon
That’s me right now. I don’t know how to reconcile it except to say that it’s complicated. There’s often multiple stakeholders to consider. Public opinion often prizes one over all others but that’s not the way it works. I’ll give you a generic example. A pension fund invests in a company. I saw someone in the comments say they didn’t like how their company prized profits over the consumers/employees. Ok, fair enough. But there are shareholders here who are relying on the company’s performance to fund their retirements.
(And yes, I understand that the easy and snarky response is ‘oh but who will think of the poor shareholders!?)
Anon
I feel that there are very few entire professions that do no harm. I don’t necessarily trust people in helping professions even if the idea is to help people. I feel we need competent and well intentioned people nearly everywhere.
Anonymous
I also think that not everyone has the luxury to only consider their ideals when choosing a job. I’ve worked in plenty of helping roles and those industries are often grossly underpaid. Many people also have their own families (kids, parents), or health needs, etc. to consider. If you can leave your job for another role that aligns with your beliefs, do that. It’s often not that black and white.
Anon
Your tone really makes me want to go work for a company you’d consider evil.
Anon
It’s not that I think a lot of corporate jobs are evil, but rather not necessary.
I am agnostic, but something I find in every religion I’ve studied is that we all have an obligation to a) do what’s right and b) help and love our neighbors. I call this a deeply held religious belief I have, even if I am areligious.
So it’s not that being the accountant of Teapots R Us is evil, but rather – isn’t there a better use of my talents and skills to help my neighbors? Shouldn’t I be pursuing that? Sure, I could work at Teapots R Us and also volunteer my skills in t own time – but I doubt I’d be able to have an equal impact. So, why don’t I work in accounting at an anti-trafficking NGO or my town’s public works department where I’m a cog in a machine that’s repairing roads and playgrounds?
Anonymous
Sigh. People who aren’t activists contribute to society as well. I live in the Valley, where most people are engaged in coming up with the technology you use every day to get online and try to spark controversies on a blog. Some of the guys are jerks, but few are evil. The evil ones self select and move to Texas.
Anon
I just don’t navel gaze this much. Either I don’t feel comfortable doing the assignment and turn it down, or I do and I get it done. There’s not really much “struggle” involved.
Anon
I recommend watching The Good Place for a way to get some entertaining perspective on this nuanced issue.
Anonymous
I always hear David Austen roses recommended here but I’m not liking the colors I’ve seen – I’d prefer darker purples or reds. Is there any other place that the hive would recommend?
Anon
David Austin roses are more about habit, scent, and shape, and the colors tend to be more traditional; they’re branding is that they specialize in old world, English roses. I remember them entering the scene as a kind of a reaction against modern (and often American) trends in rose breeding and an alternative to roses bred with a view towards being used as cut flowers (long stems, long vase life) vs. roses bred for gardens and landscaping. (English roses are still very expensive at florists compared to tea roses!)
But things have changed since then and more American style roses are bred for scent and habit, so you don’t always have to choose! I would try White Flower Farm for a good curated selection of reds.
Dark purple is harder (and dark purple roses in bouquets may have been spray painted). I’d honestly go with a companion plant if I wanted a deep purple (think larkspur, blue salvia, or clematis).
Anon
*their
Aside from a lot of purple roses just being fake, my observation is that purple roses get sun bleached and turn pale magenta or lavender pretty quickly, so they only resemble the product photos briefly. Maybe someone else has had better luck with them!
Anon
I have a “lavender” rose bush that I would describe as mostly pink. The closed buds look a bit lavender but the fully bloomed rose is a color most people would consider pink.
Anon
David Austen, yes, has a catalog, but if someone’s recommending DA, it’s more about the specific roses Mr. Austen bred for their fluffy blooms and fragrance than any catalog now bearing his name. Feel free to Google for “most popular red roses garden” or whatnot. You’ll soon get a feel for which retailers are legitimate. When I was new to gardening, I often enjoyed doing searches and applying filters on Monrovia’s website to learn what was out there.
PS – you do know that roses are traditionally considered demanding plants that need treatment for bugs and fungus and may only bloom for a short while? They’re not a beginner plant.
Anonymous
thanks for the warning – i got one bare root rose at jackson perkins last year on sale (hybrid tea) and liked the blooms enough that i thought i’d look into it. my typical approach is to research award winning plants, find a few varieties i want to keep an eye out for, then purchase/research further as i see them from good stores. roses seem to be in a world of their own though and i know now jackson perkins isn’t one of the good ones…
Anon
Jackson Perkins is one of the main rose growers/ suppliers in the workd. They have plenty of good ones. I have David Austen and Jackson & Perkins roses in my garden and I like them all.
Anonymous
Good to know! Their rating on Dave’s garden watchdog is horrible so I figured I was just lucky.
Anon
Heirloomroses dot com. I have been super happy with my roses from there. They have an excellent selection and I think their roses are all own root.
Anon
Where did you get the idea that dark purple roses exist?
Anonymous
this one won an award from RHS – https://www.rhs.org.uk/plants/80605/rosa-nuits-de-young-(cemo)/details
Anon
Yeah, to me that’s not dark purple. That’s magenta.
Nudibranch
Sterling Silver is a light cool toned purple. An unusual color IMO.
Anon
My best dark rose is Mr. Lincoln. It’s a hybrid tea.
anon
My husband and I are looking for a quick night away to celebrate his milestone birthday. We would like to go in January. Any ideas for destinations or places to stay within two hours or so of Philadelphia that are NOT family friendly? We have never spent a night away from our young kids and looking for this to be the kind of thing we can’t do with kids- late night lounge cocktails, fancy dinner, that sort of thing. So far our only ideas are Atlantic City and NYC. Budget isn’t exactly unlimited but we are only going for one night.
Anon
It’s up near Stroudsburg and not fancy or spendy but I’ve always wanted to drink a storm here and stay so I didn’t need to drive home (parents live close-ish).
https://hunterslodgenj.com/
From Philly, I’d go to New Hope but haven’t been there since living nearby one summer in college, so I don’t have a good recommendation.
Anonymous
Is that a joke? That looks a place you could get murdered in.
anon
What about staying in philly and doing things you would never do otherwise? go to the Barnes or Independence Hall or whatever other Philly site you have likely never been to because you live there, make dinner reservations somewhere fabulous, stay at a nice hotel…
Anon
My husband and I did this for our first night away from our child – night at a fancy hotel in our city’s downtown, with dinner a nice restaurant, drinks at the bar, and a spa. I have never been a staycation person but it was surprisingly fun and romantic.
Anonymous
The Lodge at Woodloch. Childfree.
Anon
As coming to day this – it’s divine!
Anon
I’d do Hotel Bethlehem
Anon
New Hope has some nice options.
Anonymous
I mean, NYC seems perfect for this if you can afford it.
anon
Yup, the nicest hotel you can afford in NYC.
Anon
Right??
Anon
Exactly. A fancy hotel probably won’t have kids staying either.
Senior Attorney
Completely agree with this. Have a great dinner and see a show and you’re all set!
Anon
Favorite hotels in Bend, Oregon? We’re meeting up with a friend and her family early next summer (there will be three kids under 5) and we’d love to be somewhere walkable within town with good food/coffee for the day to day (neither of us have been there before but have heard that the food scene is important!). We’ll drive for hikes and bike rides and other outdoor things, although decent proximity/access to those would be welcome. Priority for hotel is clean/safe/quiet while still having good access to town; a nice pool for kids would be a plus, although my friend isn’t a big swimmer. No pets. Any recs welcome! Oh also, we both prefer hotels to Airbnb – bad prior experiences.
Anon
Have you looked into Sunriver? Family friendly resort-area near Bend, awesome waterpark, bike paths, walkable to “the village” with mini-golf, ice cream shops, etc. I spend many summers there as a kid and am really sad I live too far away now to make it a regular thing for my family.
While in the area, I also highly recommend a day trip to South Twin lake. Nice beach area, quiet (no motor boats allowed), gorgeous clear lake in the mountains.
Anon
We did look and it looks so fun, but we decided we’d rather be in town this time. Thanks for the lake rec!!
Anon
Not OP but my husband and I spent a few nights in Sunriver and didn’t love it. It’s very white and very sterile. We like things a bit more funky like staying downtown in a Main Street area.
Anon
we went to Bend this past summer and I kind of wish we’d stayed in town. There aren’t that many hotels there, but I would probably choose to stay by the Old Mill District so you can easily walk along the river, though I will admit that area had a few more chain stores than I would’ve liked. Depending on how young the kids are you might still be able to float the river, which was fun. We liked Sisters coffee
Megmegmeg
You may not see this, but I literally just left Bend this morning. For a quirky fun experience, try McMenamins St Francis – old School turned into a hotel with a movie theater, lots of eateries, and a fun elaborately decorated soaking pool. it’s right on the middle of downtown. Old mill district has all the corporate hotel chains, with walkable eating and dining but not the best food nearby. But I do love Bend – have fun!
Anon
Who are you wearing? I love this:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/1503995444330603?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&fs=e&mibextid=UalRPS
Senior Attorney
Love it! And what is that sceptre thing that one woman is holding? I want one!
AnonAnon
What’s your approach to housecleaning/laundry/cooking? I find it very tedious and due to my ADHD, I’m fairly inefficient at it. Trying to decide if it’s best try and do a task each night or just sacrifice a large part of the weekend as I’ve been doing. Two teenage children who try to help out but create a lot of mess and a spouse who definitely does his half but there’s still a lot to do.
Anon
I can do anything while listening to a post cast or letting my sister talk about her life problems for an hour (she just downloads and the specifics don’t change from week to week).
Anon
That sounds worse than the chores.
Anon
The book How To Keep House While Drowning was very helpful for me. It is mostly geared towards people with ADHD but has useful tips even for neurotypical people. On most evenings I will tidy one room as a kindness to my future self. I got 1 800 Got Junk to haul away a lot of our junk. And house cleaners come once a month.
AnonAnon
Thank you-will definitely check this book out!
Anan
+1 to this book and the way it frames housework as morally neutral and being accepting of the bare minimum.
Anon
I spend relatively little time or mental energy explicitly on cleaning, and just do little bits here and there. The kitchen is cleaned while waiting for the toaster or the microwave or during downtime when cooking, I clean bits of the bathroom when I’m in it and it looks dirty. I run the roomba or spend a few minutes sweeping every day (there are brooms and dustpans on every floor because we have cats that shed and get litter everywhere). There’s not much clutter to pick up because I don’t let it accumulate in the first place (for this it helps that we don’t have kids). Laundry does get done on specific days, but since I WFH it doesn’t take much time out of my day and I don’t have to think about it because it’s on a schedule. I like to cook, so I do spend time thinking about that, but I’m just not interested in devoting a lot of time to thinking about cleaning, so I’d rather be as efficient as possible about it and focus most on the areas I care most about.
Anon
I’m like this as well. I clean bits and pieces as they need cleaning and have organizational systems in place. Cooking is my fun so I spend time thinking and planning for it.
Seafinch
Same here, I try to check off a bigger ticket item over the weekend but work it into the routine. (I ironed all my previously laundered napkins last weekend and a bunch of school uniform shirts). Like above, our kitchen is cleaned as we use it, nothing accumulated and I am ruthless about clutter so it’s much easier to keep things tidy. I have very rigid systems. Things don’t get put down in a temporary spot. I don’t schedule laundry but focus my effort on getting categories all done at once when I have a flexible block of time. i.e. kids on a Saturday ( I hang everything but socks and underwear so it’s a cycle that needs to keep moving.) I also love to cook and need to feed 8 people every night so that takes mental energy but I have solid go-to things I can pull off quickly. I assign discrete tasks to the three older kids. My 13 year old can iron, do laundry, and cook supper. My ten year old is good at organizing the basement playroom, outdoor maintenance, and cleaning the toilets, the eight year old does sweeping and mopping.
Anonymous
This is one of those moments where I kinda think ADHD is only part of it. There is literally no one out there who doesn’t think that housecleaning is tedious or would rather not sacrifice a part of their weekend to it. This has nothing to do with being neuro-typical or not.
PolyD
I’m as neurotypical as they come and will admit that my kitchen floor has a tendency to be a little sticky.
AnonAnon
OP here-I hear that. For me, my ADHD means that tasks that should take x amount of time take a lot longer because I get distracted/hyperfocused/etc. I’ve lived in my brain and body for 40 years, and definitely have evidence that I’m a heck of a lot slower and more disorganized that my neurotypical spouse and parents :)
Anonymous
I’m not ADHD but I think I know exactly what you mean about cleaning. I’ve been deep cleaning my apartment and everything takes 4x as long as I expect because I find 100 new cleaning tasks to do in the process. I allocated 1 hour to deep clean my small living room (vacuum under furniture, wash walls, etc.) and it took like 4 hours because during the process I ALSO (a) went through the TV stand and donated items, (b) sent photos to print at Walgreens, picked them up, and updated all the photos in our family photo frames in the room, (c) laundered things I only launder periodically like curtains and reusable grocery bags, (d) sterilized my toddler’s toys they play with in that space, (e) spot cleaned the couch, and also did the other fabric furniture in our apartment while I had the spot cleaning machine out, (f) took our coats that hang in our living room entry way to the dry cleaner for their annual cleaning, and (g) realized our radiators needed to be cleaned, so cleaned the radiators in the living room and in the other rooms since it’s easier to batch that task together.
One thing I’ve found is being very clear about the task I’m tackling (e.g., deep cleaning but not reorganizing) and adding all the other things I identify that need to be done to a list in my notes app and taking care of those at a different time. I have 3 lists – “organize and donate” with the spaces I want to organize, “out of house errands” with a list of stuff I need to do out of the house like go to the dry cleaner and “cleaning tasks” for things like cleaning the radiators that are more efficient if I do them later and do all of the radiators instead of just the ones in the living room.
Anon
My sensory hangup that I’ve never been able to get past is “sticky”. The rest of my house may be a disaster, but the floors at least aren’t gritty/sticky.
Anonymous
My husband is ADHD and he somehow took 27 minutes to assemble a premade Costco salad and add chopped tofu. It’s really impressive how the ADHD brain takes a 3 minute task and runs with it. DH is better when he’s properly medicated but still slow
ALT
My father would disagree with you—cleaning is one of his favorite activities.
Seafinch
I actually like it, too. I am bit strained these days and don’t have as much time to enjoy it and meet other obligations but I frequently do still enjoy it. (I love mat leaves for this reason).
Anonymous
I didn’t have time during maternity leave to do anything other than feed and hold the baby.
Anon
I get up early and try to spend 15 or 30 minutes picking up the house or folding laundry or deep cleaning a room. Not saying it is easy. As for cooking, I barely do. Picking up meal kits at the fancy grocery store on the way home from school dropoff = fresh and easy dinners.
AnonAnon
Thanks-this approach sounds great.
Anonymous
We do most of our cleaning on Saturday morning. Our teenagers are responsible for cleaning their rooms, their bathrooms, the loft, the cat liter and they have to do their own laundry. They also have to load and unload the dishwasher and take out the trash and recycle daily. My husband and I clean the kitchen, the other bathrooms, and sweep and mop the entire house. My husband mostly does yard work, but we will all help if the weeds have gotten out of control after a big rain.
If we are all working together, we can get our 4 bedroom house clean in about 2 hours. It is not a deep-clean and we do those a few times a year and that can take all day or even all weekend depending on if we are also trying to clean out closets, etc.
We all do our own laundry and I don’t enforce whether it gets put away or not. I have one kid who folds and hangs clothes right away and one who mostly lives out of their clean clothes basket. My husband usually folds and hangs our clothes. Sometimes we do it together before bed on Sunday night. I try and do a mid-week load, but I don’t always.
As for cooking, I meal plan each week what we are going to eat and I do most of the cooking because my husband works later than me. If he is home earlier, he will cook. I also typically plan for him to grill on the weekends. We pick up takeout 2-3 times a week as well. My teens will help start dinner if we are both running late.
AnonAnon
Thank you-this is helpful to read and a reminder I really need to task my teens with more chores.
Anon
Last spring I saw an adhd meme about cleaning that I actually adopted as my main cleaning method for a half hour or so on most but not all days.
“I wander around the house sort of cleaning random things until I get stuck or my battery runs out. At the end things are a little cleaner but absolutely not clean.”
Somehow this works for me better than setting myself specific daily chores. Perhaps I enjoy thinking of myself as a little Roomba. Perhaps it is the lack of pressure to get particular, specific things done. Anyway, my house ends up looking mostly presentable most of the time.
Anon
I like to do chores like bathroom cleaning on a Thursday night. Then it’s clean for the weekend, which is relaxing, and I’m not spending precious weekend time on something so annoying. Other daily chores like wiping counters are done while waiting for kettles to boil, etc. Work expands to fill the time allotted; do what you can in small chunks of time.
Anon
I clean things when I see they need cleaning. No schedule.
Anonymous
This doesn’t work for ADHD people because they often don’t ‘see’ mess (aka their shame basically makes them ignore it).
Anon
My neatnik young adult daughter has been professionally diagnosed with ADHD for about ten years and always cleans when she sees things need cleaning. There’s no one size fits all with ADHD like you make it sound.
Senior Attorney
My main thing is that I absolutely insist on cleaning and “closing” the kitchen after dinner and before evening relaxation time. That way I always wake up to a clean kitchen in the morning. My husband is in charge of unloading the dishwasher and cleaning up after breakfast, so it’s also clean and ready to go for dinner prep. Those two things get me through even if the rest of the house gets a little wild.
Similarly, pick things up on the way to bed. Just 10 minutes a night can make a difference in containing the clutter.
For laundry, everybody in the household should be doing his/her own, including bed and bath linens for the teens. (I do the linens for Hubby and me because I care about it the most.)
And also? If you can get somebody in even once or twice a month do to the worst of it, it’s well worth it.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and touch the mail only once. Most of the stuff that comes to our house goes directly from mailbox to trash. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
Anonymous
I used to think everyone should be responsible for their own laundry, but modern “high-efficiency” washers and dryers just take too long. With old-fashioned toploaders it took at most 75 minutes to wash and dry a load. With our newest set of machines it takes nearly twice as long. We sort lights, darks, jeans, etc. into separate loads to avoid wrecking the clothes. It takes a full day to do one set of loads with all the family’s clothing combined. We can’t afford to dedicate a whole day to each family member’s individual laundry.
Anon
You, my friend, need a Speed Queen. I can get an average size load done in under an hour if I reset it to spin so it gets spun twice.
Anonymous
Not ADHD but having more trouble multitasking as I age. I have gone to just doing whatever occurs to me in terms of cleaning for a set period of time each day. I set an alarm on my watch to tell me when to stop. If I do something every day, things start coming together a bit better.
anon
We have house keepers come once a week. They do the cleaning but their imminent arrival the following day helps me hyper focus to get everything put away so that they can clean the actual stuff (not my piles). I’ve also negotiated with myself that I must clean between when I turn the coffee maker on and when it chime goes for it being ready. This mostly makes sure that the dishwasher is loaded and run on a routine basis.
NaoNao
Setting up my house/life in such a way that there just isn’t a lot of “stuff” to deal with (like knickknacks to dust or clothing to wash, etc)–is it possible to radically downsize quite a bit, things like boardgames, old toys, clothing, linens, decor, books (go digital!) video games, gaming systems, cords/plugs/electrical stuff, dishes/pans or baking “stuff”, candles (I realized I had like 30! I kept buying them as a treat and was never actually using them), hair styling stuff, makeup, etc etc. It may really help to just lower the amount of chores that need to get done.
I also had to get very strict about everything having a place and putting it back right away or as soon as possible, not letting little piles of stuff float around.
My mom had a system where she had daily chores, weekly, monthly and yearly. She used index cards–now granted she was a SAHM / homemaker so this was her life, but some sort of “system” might help too. My sister has had luck with “Sweepy” app.
Anonymous
i just keep a very dirty house :)
Anon
Any recommendations for a women’s retreat? I’m not even sure what kind, but I’m devastated over a personal situation, so I am hoping to find something to boost my confidence and help me “reset” a bit. Would love any recommendations.
Anonymous
Kripalu
Anon
Not the OP, but I’m trying it this year! So looking forward to it, as I also have similar needs to the OP.
I was a little disappointed to learn though that the yoga classes etc.. might have 100 people. I guess it was silly of me to think this would be a more intimate hide-away in the woods.
anon
I haven’t been in a while, but 100 people in a yoga class seems really unlikely to me. I love Kripalu—I found the dorm/monastery vibe very soothing. I love the silent breakfasts, and it’s a fairly quiet place in general, even when there are people around.
Anon
Are you looking for a retreat that has some sort of classes or meditation or just a nice relaxing getaway? I went on a yoga retreat in Italy and it was amazing! I’ve heard others suggest Miraval but it sounds $$$. You can also decide on what you want to do and where and research some options. I also follow some female influencers who do retreats for single women.
Anon
Miraval is great but definitely not cheap.
I just got an email about a woman-only group tour in Tuscany with cooking classes every day. Definitely added that to my list for after I’m an empty nester.
Anonymous
Maybe not what you’re looking for, but I am dreaming of doing one of REI’s women-only backpacking trips.
Anonymous
I dream of attending a women’s surf and yoga retreat in Costa Roca.
Anon
Random suggestion: Oiselle Bird Camp at the end of the month.
Anonymous
Oh this looks fun! My friend lives in that area and it is lovely – right along the Delaware River.
Anon
I love Retreat In The Pines outside of Dallas! It’s got a lot of yoga offerings, but those are optional.
Anon
I’ve heard good things about Wild Rice Retreat in Bayfield, Wisconsin. Not sure if going north is what you had in mind, but they have a nice variety of guided retreat topics.
pink nails
omg thanks for posting that! I’m within driving distance of Bayfield and have never heard of this place but it looks so good! Saving for a later time.
Anon
Same!
Anon
It’s not an organized retreat and you have to pay separately for most activities, but the American Club in Kohler is also a nice place for a solo weekend or girls weekend if you like spa stuff + yoga.
Anon
The blogger Aspiring Kennedy runs women-only trips to Europe. I haven’t done one personally but I follow her on Instagram and they look fun.
Anonymous
I have not done this myself yet, and even as someone who is generally skeptical of group retreat type situations in general (I love solitary travel, which always really resets my mind), I’m super interested in Camp Chateau in France.
Anonymous
a friend just went to rancho la puerta and now it’s a bucket list item.
Anonymous
Canyon Ranch is wonderful.
Anon
I hate remote work. Not as a concept, but for me. Most of my office (law firm) has gone remote, and while I still come in, I’m alone most days. I’m mulling a lateral move to an in-person firm.
Has anyone (law or otherwise) made a switch just for this reason, and if so, was it worth it?
Anon
No, bc I’ve been hybrid but if I was at a fully or mostly remote office I’d leave too.
Anonymous
I have not considered changing jobs for this reason; our office is mandatory in person 4 days/week. I do not like the idea of fully remote at ALL.
LawDawg
I think it is perfectly reasonable. I am 90% remote and LOVE it. I would leave/retire if someone tried to make me come in more. My neighbor works in the same industry and is 100% in office. He says that hiring is not a problem at all. I think there is room in life for people that love in office/hybrid/remote and each of us needs to find the one that works best. Good luck in your job search.
Josie P
+1, same. I LOOOOOOOVE remote and hate when I have to go in.
Remoteeeeeeeee
Same! I am 100% remote and prioritized it when finding a new job. I also make it clear that I am physically located at least 2 hours away from the closest office. I am just as close with my coworkers as I was at non-remote offices.
Anon
My job switch wasn’t for this reason. But I went from somewhere that was largely remote to an office with a three day in person requirement, and it’s so much better for my mental health. I live alone and it was hard not seeing anyone in person for days on end. And many of my friends are recently married/partnered, so it was hard to schedule evening activities on any consistent basis. So seeing people in the office is great for me.
anon
I am contemplating this, like you are. I am 100% remote at a company that has very few
meetings. For some this is the dream job. But I haven’t been able to adjust- not really sure why, but social contact is definitely a part of it.
Anon
I left my 100% remote job for a hybrid job, and some people thought I was crazy. But fully remote made me lonely and disengaged, and coming into the office 2-3 days a week has made a huge difference to my mental health. I took a while to get back into the habit of getting ready and out the door in the morning but im very happy with the switch.
Anonymous
I had other reasons for switching, but not wanting to work remote 5 days a week (and no one there when I did go in) was one of them. Now I’m hybrid and love it. It really does make a difference in my work happiness.
Anon
Yes, I would. My last job change was partly motivated by this. I hate remote work and I don’t want to work in an empty office.
Anon
I don’t mind a remote day once in a while but vastly prefer in-person with my favorite work colleagues. Our office has WFH Fridays during the summer and that is about as much as I can stomach.
Anon
I would make a switch just to work remotely more often!
Anon
I posted before about my 80 year old mom falling for a FB scam. (“Hello! I’m with a government grant program! The government wants to give you $300,000; all you have to do is send us $[moving target] in Apple gift cards and it will be yours!”) She’s now given the scammer three months of her income.
I live 5 hours away, and I’m visiting more frequently (every couple weeks) and calling more frequently (multiple times per week), and I’m trying and failing to break the scammers’ hold over her. So far I have:
– Shown her investigative news reports (like 60 Minutes) covering this exact scam and people who wish they hadn’t fallen for it;
– Sat patiently with her and reasoned through why this is scam – “Has the government ever asked you to keep something a secret? You don’t have a security clearance. Have you ever paid any government fees in Apple gift cards?”
– Used Google Image to find the source of the stolen profile pic (it’s actually some federal undersecretary of something to look official). Talked patiently about how “Laura” is using a stolen photo to create authenticity.
– Pointed out all the ways “Laura” doesn’t write like a native English speaker.
– Blocked and reported “Laura,” who then found some alternative way to contact my mom and walked Mom through how to unblock her on FB!
I’m waiting on a FB messenger transcript (you have to request them) to walk Mom through all the times “Laura” moved the goalposts.
What else can I do? Mom’s just so convinced the big payout is right around the corner. Meanwhile she doesn’t have money for groceries because she’s given it all to “Laura.”
Josie P
Can you get your mom’s FB password and log in as her to continue blocking “Laura”? Or deactivate her account? Does Mom have a POA naming you as her agent? If so, can you go into the bank and close her account and open a new one? Is Mom competent otherwise? It may be time to take the reins more forcefully than you have been, esp if you are out of pocket for her needed expenses.
Anon
Agree that mom might not be competent.
I am wondering if local law enforcement or senior care services might have someone who routinely communicates with seniors about this sort of thing. Would someone in a uniform talking to her be helpful?
Anonymous
Steal her router
Anon
Call her local office of aging and see if they offer help. The county my sister lives in actually employs a full time staff person who assists in helping seniors get away from scammers.
Anon
+1
We also have a local program for seniors that has programs on this, and would send a social worker to her home.
I’m so sorry OP. This is just brutal.
Cb
Oh my goodness. Is it possible to just cut your mom off facebook? Or the internet more generally? I know it feels awful and infantalising but I don’t know what else you could do? Could facebook block your mom for engaging in fradulent activity?
Anon
Aside from the advice to call the local office for aging, I would take her in for a cognitive exam.
Anon
You’ve probably already realized this, but there is clearly a cognition issue here. Do you have Power of Attorney? It’s time to get into her Facebook account and do whatever you can to mess with the settings – i.e., no no-friend contacts can message her, etc. I’d also consider taking over her finances (again, assuming you have POA). It sounds like she also needs to see her doctor and get tested for dementia. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Anonymous
The biggest thing that strikes me is that you’re using logic-based approaches with someone who is operating from hope and emotion — with a heavy side serving of the same kind of thinking that gets people addicted to gambling. Logic (from you) apparently isn’t going to work with her, so I’d stop trying that and use other routes.
Anon
My husband and I saw an elder care counselor (offered through his EAP at work, which was amazing) who advised that you cannot logic your way through a conversation or a task with someone with cognitive challenges. You literally can’t, so don’t bother – you’ll exhaust yourself. She suggested doing what she called “end runs,” i.e., finding a way to get to the result you need (her not falling for Facebook scams) without her direct involvement. The lowest-impact option is probably changing her messaging settings; the highest would be shutting down her account or Internet.
Anon
It’s not the same situation exactly, but my cousin’s elder dad / my uncle by marriage was (is?) being fleeced by his much younger girlfriend who seems to have orchestrated meeting him just to do this. She pressures him to sell the house he owns and give her half of the proceeds.
Cousin took her dad to an elder care attorney to at least get the house into a trust – telling him that was a better way to do things from a tax perspective and leaving girlfriend issue out of it- and he went along with it.
The attorney did set up the trust and then told him she had a fiduciary responsibility to advise him that she felt he was in an elder abuse situation vis a vis his girlfriend (because he told the attorney about “Liz” and her plans.) He more or less agreed with the attorney, the house hasn’t sold yet, but he’s still living there with Liz. It’s an all around icky situation but it’s somewhat better now.
OP, so sorry you’re going through this.
anon
How’s the local police department? I would guess that mine (low crime area) would be happy to have someone in uniform chat with an elder to explain it’s a scam and maybe file a report. Uniform might be more persuasive.
Agree with others that your mom sounds like competence is an issue and you probably need to go down the path of figuring out to what extent you can get legal rights to protect her.
Anon
That was my immediate thought too. My mom would have believed a man (sorry) in uniform over her daughter, me.
Anon
Definitely file a report. “Laura” is committing a crime.
NaoNao
Is it possible to scare her into compliance (i.e. dropping it) by pointing out the tax burden of such a payout (or the illegal side of keeping such a huge payout secret) or pointing out that this might be considered money laundering (it doesn’t have to be 100% true per se, just an outside possibility) maybe even lean on some news stories about innocent people being used as money mules, etc.
You could try the “Mom this isn’t like you, you’ve always been someone I looked up to as cautious, level headed, and careful. I’m a little worried.” Maybe activating the “be an example to my children” side might work?
Pippa
Our public library just had a program on elder internet scams – directed to the elderly and their carers. Maybe your mom’s local library has a resource librarian who would meet with you and then meet with you and mom. It sounds like she may need to hear that this is a scam from as many “people in authority” as possible.
Are you on her bank accounts? If so, set up text notifications for expenditures of $x and over. While you work at stopping the funds from being sent to the scammer, it may be useful to quickly know when and how much is being sent.
All the best. This sounds very frustrating and difficult.
Megmegmeg
Apparently AARP magazine now has a column in their magazine on scams? Maybe getting her to read that could help.
Crossbody purse recs?
Does anyone have any recs for a fun, casual crossbody bag/purse – the kind of thing you take with you for running errands or for travelling?
I was looking at the Uniqlo round mini because I liked the color choices, but don’t love the pocket situation there, and it is just a touch smaller than what I want. My wish list:
-an exterior pocket (or two) for phone, and 2 interior zippered pockets. clip for my keys would be a plus.
-bright colour or cute/whimsical print (I used to have a crossbody purse from Le sportsac with a print featuring The Little Prince being pulled by cranes. I loved that bag so much. I’m not as excited about Sportsac’s current prints.)
-not leather
-big enough to fit – wallet, phone, sunglasses, chapstick, small planner, pen, and a pack of Kleenex, a granola bar, airpods, keys. Maybe a small bottle of water too. But not so big that it feels or looks like a tote bag.
Thanks for any recs!
anon
look at Baggu. I have the medium crescent bag, and it’s a slightly larger, cuter version of the Uniqlo one. No exterior pockets, though.
Lots to Learn
+1 Baggu bags are on-trend, come in a lot of sizes and colors, are washable, and are cheap. Baggu for the win!
Anon
The Baggu one jumps to mind.
Anon
https://www.mzwallace.com/products/copper-metallic-lacquer-crosby-crossbody-sling-bag
https://www.mzwallace.com/products/summer-plaid-small-sutton-deluxe
https://www.loandsons.com/products/nouvelle-recycled-nylon-misty-blue?variant=40409442713696
https://shop.lululemon.com/p/bags/Boxy-Mini-Tote-Bag-45L-Print/_/prod11750434?color=67556&locale=en_US&sl=US&sz=ONESIZE&cid=Google_PMAX_US_NAT_EN_X_NB_Accessories-Treatment_OMNI_GEN_Y24_ag-&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwreW2BhBhEiwAavLwfNdwDEfLnZMUorBcEzI2wZHFxchV98Q6pNwhpMhEEWaWVtejWC0T5RoCTPkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Anon
Belt bag?
Baglady
I found a Vince Camuto Elva satchel at an estate sale and used it while traveling around Italy. I still use it as my everyday purse, I am obsessed with it. The exact one is for sale on Poshmark as “Vince Camuto Leather Elva Satchel with tassel and removable strap” for $140. I fit my wallet (small), sunscreen (8 oz), lip stick, small notebook, — and I just saw you said no leather. Sorry! I still vote for this one if you can get past leather; it isn’t heavy.
Anon
Has anyone bought an apartment sized couch or futon thing from Wayfair that they like? Needs to be flat-pack and assemble-able on site.
My college student son is moving into a room in an old house converted to apartments. His room is at the end of a long upstairs halfway with a sharp right turn. No pre-assembled couch will fit through there.
Anon
I have always been much happier with the quality of Ikea for things like this rather than Wayfair.
Anon
+1 – Wayfair is Temu for furniture.
anon
Have you looked at Lovesac furniture? Seems made for this kind of thing, and will be easy to move out later too.
Anon
This is what ikea is for!
Anon
We did go to IKEA! He didn’t find what he wanted there.
Anon
Is he going to live there next year? How does he plan on getting the couch OUT at the end of the year?
Anon
That’s why he wants flat pack. He will need to get it out in pieces, same way it got in.
Anon
I just commented on a recent apartment sized sofa thread that I bought a Sabai sofa (I swear I don’t work for them). It came in sofa cushion sized boxes and was easy to assemble. Everything at IKEA was too big for my space.
Anon
That looks great, though over his college student budget (thought it’s possible his mom (me) might help him out.) Do you feel like you’d be able to disassemble it when you move?
Anon
I do feel like it should be easy to disassemble it again! It looks like costs more than it did when I bought it (like everything else these past few years I guess!).
Anonymous
What about a day bed?
Anonymous
Second this. I have bought some daybeds at Wayfair I like. Will say that taking them apart was harder than putting it together.
Couch search
Check out Burrow – they make modular sofas where each section is shipped in a carryable box. My friend got one and says that while it’s not quite as sturdy as a regular sofa, they’re still happy with it. Also could be good for your son when he moves to a different apartment post-college.
Anonymous
Did you look at IKEA online or instore?
They have lots of small sofas, but they might not be on the floor of every shop.
And if they’re on the floor, they might be in the office, teen or studio exhibitions, not with family sizes couches.