Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Scallop-Striped V-Neck Cardigan

358 Comments

1. I have to factor my hips into longer jacket sizing but then the top part is baggy. Any longer jackets out there cut for a flat chested pear? Or maybe I will just stay in ones that end slightly below the waist.

   1. Have you tried double breasted blazers worn open?

      1. That seems like doubling down on the volume of fabric.

         1. Yeah, this style is not great on pears. The fabric still ends up getting bunchy around the hips. If you size up, then it’s sloppy all over.

   2. This style might work well as it is supposed to flare at the hips:
      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/veronica-beard-miller-dickey-jacket-0400020204238.html?dwvar_0400020204238_color=CERULEAN

      1. i smiled when I saw the color CERULEAN

         1. “That color was chosen for you by the people in this room!”

   3. Do a shorter jacket with wide-legged pants instead. I think the long baggy jackets look awful on most people anyway.

      1. +1

   4. I know this sounds crazy, but try Good American. I’ve gotten a couple of jackets that are incredibly flattering. They nip in at the upper waist a bit. They were made for folks with hips. I’ve had to have my sleeves shortened. But the shoulders and waist and length have been perfect. (And since I’m a Nordstrom member, I just bought through them for the alteration benefit)

   5. I am resigned to tailoring my jackets.

   6. I have this sweater. The colors are great but the cut is very boxy. It adds bulk at the waist. It made me look like a very matronly lady who lunches.

   7. I’ve had good luck with peplum jackets, or non-peplum ones that mimick that shape with darts. They can be hard to find, so when I see one I pounce on it.

2. Way anon for this. Some very personal details to share. I know it’s an impossible question because it’s going to be different for everyone, but I’m going to ask…

   How much life insurance is enough? We have 2 kids (6 and 10 months), only debt is our mortgage which is sub 50% LTV ($450k balance, 3% rate). We’re both 40. I feel like we were potentially way over sold and the premiums and self-doubt about if we have the “right” coverage is making me crazy. We have a $5m policy on me and a $2.5m on DH.

   Same question for disability insurance. $16k/month for me and $2.3k for DH. DH has some nasty family history that I think was the limiting factor in his coverages fwiw.

   I know we’re in an expensive period of life with really little kids. But we’re paying $7200 for disability premiums and $4480 for life premiums. Most expensive is my STD which is about $6000/year and the rest are in the same relative range of $2k/year. Maybe that’s all reasonable. I don’t know…We do have supplementary coverage through employers to the tune of a couple hundred grand a piece, but we don’t want to rely on those because jobs change, and will definitely likely change in the next 2-4 years for both of us. Thoughts?

   Sidebar: I think we were oversold because we placed the policies during a 2-year period where I was personally bringing in very high 6-figure income. Maybe that happens again, but I think probably not – I’m ready to lean out and step away from this rat race I work in. At the time the goal presented to us was to “maximize everything so nothing would change from today’s baseline” if something happened to one of us. The reality is that the really high earning years were fun, but we never EVER lived like we made that kind of money – we just saved and paid off debts, bought cars all cash, etc.

   1. That is a ton of life insurance, IMO, and yes seems like you were oversold. I want life insurance to pay for college for any kids and be able to pay off the mortgage, with a little extra wiggle room for the initial years of grief. We do $1M. Especially if both spouses have paid employment, I can’t imagine needing $5M — though it’d be a nice benefit if you can afford it/don’t mind paying

   2. That doesn’t seem underfunded and I’m assuming life insurance is 30-year renewable at this fixed rate. I wanted to fund to the end of college and spouse would have needed a nanny to continue to work if I died or became disabled.

      And disability is more expensive because you are more likely to claim under that. But you want the good diapers, no? And you and spouse would need more money with you disabled vs died, sadly.

      Sounds right for coverage on very high earners. I like ballparking X years needed of Y income + college + Z years of nanny at A rate (75000 on the books in our city as a minimum). Did you shop around?

   3. In your shoes I would be considering self-insuring on STD but retaining LTD. Presumably with such a high income you have a ton of savings you could draw on if you were temporarily disabled.

      1. I should have clarified that income is no longer that high. We had really just 18 months of that level of earning and then it fell off – think one really high paying client with unique circumstances that was a fun flash in the pan but it’s over. We still have really good HHI to be clear, roughly $300k, but no where near where we were, and I don’t see it going back to that level ever.

         1. But presumably you still have savings? Or you could reduce your STD coverage to make the premium cheaper. It just seems like a lot of expense when the benefit period is quite short and you could probably scrape by. Anyhow that’s what I would be thinking about.

   4. That seems high to me, but it depends on your lifestyle. We have $1M on my husband, $250k on me in a LCOL area. One 6 year old. Our house is paid off and we have enough college savings to cover in-state. My husband is the breadwinner and would want to continue working if I died, so the money on me is really just intended to cover funeral/probate costs and hire more childcare help. Since my husband’s salary is higher than mine and I wanted more flexibility to take an extended time off work, we got a bigger policy on him. In the event we both die, our guardians are my parents who are wealthy and don’t need our money, but $1.25M + our college savings should easily cover their out of pocket costs associated with raising a kid.

   5. DH has separate life and disability insurance through his work and TBH I have no idea how much his is. For me I pay just under $1k annually for about $2M of term life insurance – my coverage was meant to give DH $1M cash to pay off the mortgage and other debt (his vehicles, mostly) and then have about $500-600k of cash left and also the income from the other $1M to pay for my share of expenses until kid was out of the house/through college. The other $1M was to be held in trust for kid.

   6. We have 1 million each for 20 years plus policies from work that I wouldn’t count on in case we don’t work there for much longer. One kid on the way, not planning on any more. We’re not viewing this money as a “never work again” amount, but simply a comfortable amount to get things established in a VHCOL area. Hopefully we outlive it. We are not planning on it becoming a big part of our retirement or inheritance savings.

      1. Different numbers on my end, but similar mindset.

         We started in a LCOL area with very low incomes and opted for 250k apiece for 30 years. Premiums for both together only total $600 per year. That coverage would have been enough to pay our mortgage and living costs for a few years should one of us be left alone back at the start. Not set for life in the sense that we would never have to work again, but would ease the path to whatever the new norm would like like after a catastrophe. Twenty years later we are in a much better income bracket while still living a relatively frugal lifestyle, so our emergency needs are far less and we have never seen a reason to change our coverage. I will obviously be glad if we never have to use it, and will also be glad at that point that we didn’t toss a mortgage’s worth of premiums at the policy over time.

   7. I have $2M on my partner; the primary breadwinner atm. He also has a book of business that would need to be sold while I ramp up working, sell the house (or maybe pay it off) and figure out child care. I think he has $1M on me to cover child care and household management duties. Were in a MCOL with three kids. No debt except mortgage and property.

   8. When I had 2 kids in diapers, 15 years ago, I got 30-year fixed term life on me at 10x current salary (salary has been stagnant due to leaning out to 3/4 FTE) and 20-year fixed on husband at 10x current salary (his was so expensive that that’s what we could afford). I’ve seen people become uninsurable in their 40s and beyond and also have to go on LTD (which would devastate my career, as I’d likely restart at zero after taking significant time off since I hung out my own shingle as a solo).

      I have a gap FTD policy (spouse doesn’t) that funds what my from-then-job FTD policy didn’t cover and that is expensive but I figure more likely to happen than outright dying.

      1. One thing we thought about is that both of our birth families are in HCOL parts of the country even though we live in a MCOL city at the moment. If we lost a partner, depending on age of kids, we might want to move closer to family (or not, if say a kid is a senior in high school).

   9. I agree you have way too much insurance, especially on you. Think about what each of you would actually need if the other passed. College for the kids (but take into account what you’ve already saved for that), paying off the house, additional childcare, and however much income replacement would be needed to cover the surviving spouse taking a while away from work and then probably downshifting for the remainder of their career. You should also be thinking about how much you already have in savings and factoring that into the dollar amount.

      You didn’t mention the size of your emergency fund, but based on what you said about saving I’m guessing you have some reasonable emergency savings. If your emergency fund would cover your full living expenses for at least six months, I’m not convinced you need a short term disability policy at all, especially if you cancelled it and started funneling the premiums into additional emergency savings.

      It sounds like you went into the purchase process without a firm idea of how much coverage you wanted and let the insurances salesperson tell you how much you needed. Go into the next conversation having evaluated the numbers for yourself and buy the amount of insurance that you actually need.

   10. “At the time the goal presented to us was to “maximize everything so nothing would change from today’s baseline” if something happened to one of us.”

       I’m not sure that is accurate for very high earners (north of a half-million a year). You can cut back your lifestyle and still be *extremely* comfortable. If your HHI is $90k a year, yes, insuring to keep that standard of living is important.

       Consider what your kids would need if something happened to one or both of you. Are you paying for private K-12? If you both died or became disabled, would you or the kids continue to stay in this house or would the family be loved elsewhere? Do out the math – don’t outsource that to some insurance sales guy.

       I would also ask how all this insurance is impacting your savings goals. I’m not quite clear on exactly how much you’re paying for this – you listed several different numbers that didn’t seem to add up, and you conflate monthly and yearly. Maybe some of it was premiums and some of it was payouts? Be clear with yourself on this!

       More importantly, what do you have in the bank now? How much do you have in investments? That’s a big factor in determining how much you would need if something happened to you!

   11. Did they talk you into life insurance as an investment vehicle, like so called whole life or universal life? You only need term insurance. It should be much less expensive. Take the difference in premium and inverst it yourself, don’t count on insurance to do that for you.

       1. Nope, just term. They are now pushing VUL and I’m a firm no. This is also my financial advisor (ameriprise affiliate), which is a discussion for another time. After I get this insurance right sized the next objective will be to very likely leave them. We just went to them (via referral, so not blindly..) during a particularly vulnerable time – we had a small baby, wanted another, wanted a larger home in a HCOL area and I was just on the front end of the high earning period so we were kind of totally overwhelmed. Very, very fortunate but overwhelmed.

   12. Depends on your incomes, savings, other expenses (and expenses your kids’ guardians would have if both of you were to pass away) and goals for what you want the insurance to cover. Do you want to just pay off the house and that’s it? Do you want to be able to fund college, which you might not be able to on one income? If there’s one surviving spouse, might s/he want to step back at work (and earn less money), to have more time with the kids? How much life insurance you should have is partly a numbers exercise and partly a personal preference.

   13. I’ll be honest in we don’t have life/disability policies outside of our employers (though we pay a bit extra to increase the multipliers there.). From a life insurance perspective, there is enough in each of our retirement accounts and our emergency fund to carry the surviving spouse as they reset to the new normal. Disability is a different beast and I should probably double check on the transferable nature of our employer policies if we leave our jobs. I know I paid for some amount of transferability, but I haven’t spent a lot of time working through the scenarios.

   14. We have $2M for me and $4M for DH. I also feel like we were way oversold and we actually had a fight about it – DH wanted me to get more, I wanted both of us to get less. We are early 30, one child and hoping for a second. Our premiums are a bit lower than yours, and our mortgage is a bit higher.

   15. We have 3 kids. DH and I are 40. We each have $2M term through when we are 55, at which point all 3 kids will be done with college.

       We came to that number by looking at our earning potential and known liabilities (mortgage, college x3 being the big ones). We then figured if we both die, $4M plus our retirement accounts and other assets (now $2M+) would be more than sufficient to cover college x3, our remaining mortgage, and living expenses for the kids.

       We then figured scenarios where one of us dies. We would want the other to be able to take an easy job and not have to worry about money, but we figure that yes, the survive spouse would work for things like healthcare. $2M would take care of the mortgage and college x3 with a fair bit left over.

       FWIW our HHi is $350k with me working part time right now earning $100k. I could get a job full time that pays $300k if needed. We owe about $500k on a $1.3M home. Kids are out of daycare.

   16. So, some real world experience for you. My husband passed away unexpectedly in November and we have 3 kids 8 and under (all in school). I stopped working two and an half years ago. We had maxed out the available insurance through his work for him (5x salary plus the work itself offered 2x salary for free) and 50K on me. That was it because we had three small kids and were busy and obviously didn’t anticipate it.

       The kids are each entitled to 75% of his SS benefit until they turn 18, with a family cap of 150%. That amount covers our normal base monthly expenses, but we will need to dip into the life insurance money (and stock that vested on his death) for health insurance soon, and other random one-offs, so I’ll be getting around 2K/month on top, which won’t dip into the principal.

       Under projections from my FA, I can most likely live until 94 under those parameters, adjusted for inflation. If I want to cover four years of state college for everyone, I have like a 75% chance. That doesn’t take into account me working again, which I plan to start doing part time later this year, and wouldn’t rule out going back to work in later years to boost my existing state gov pension.

       Would more money be helpful? Sure. But we’re okay.

       1. I’m sorry for your loss and glad you have the insurance to see you through. Best wishes and hugs to your family.

       2. So sorry to hear this – I’m so sorry for your loss.

   17. That seems too high for life insurance. One way to ball park life insurance is to consider your goals if one or both of you died before your kids got through college. What is the minimum you want to have covered (spouse can pay off mortgage, upgrade childcare, add therapy for a few years, spouse can cover current/future lifestyles on one income) then also the nice to have (fully fund kids’ colleges, leave inheritance for kids, fund spouse’s retirement).

       Long term disability is really expensive, but also more likely than either/both of you dying young. I would probably keep your husband’s since he has real family history. Yours seems really high. Again, think about the actual lifestyle you’re trying to replace. Also does your disability include “own/same occupation”? That’s important if you are in a niche field and couldn’t get a similar job when you’re disabled. I think your coverage is too high, but it’s going to be more expensive than you like regardless.

   18. I dialed mine back and it was way less than yours. My father suggested I change it so the mortgage is covered – it’s not supposed to be a windfall it’s supposed to be a life raft. No regrets so far (but then we have a lot of cash savings and investments so fam would be fine.)

       1. The idea is that you buy term life when your kids are little and you don’t have as much in savings yet. As they grow, hopefully your savings grow, and you have less need for term life.

          Your insurance should be enough that someone could be their guardian for the rest of their lives on your insurance proceeds, or savings.

   19. Before completing the life insurance exercise, loop in your estate planning piece. What’s the status of your wills and trusts? When our kids were minors (and in college), we carried higher insurance because the dear family members who were going to step in to raise our children earned much, much less pursuing non-profit and public education careers. They agreed they would move from their apartment into our home to keep life stable for the kids. The trust documents assumed at least one of them would not be working through the transition. We funded for worst case. I’m not saying that your numbers still may not be too high but if you can, think about what money will be needed should you both be lost at once – rare but it was DH’s childhood friend’s experience so something that was very important and real for him to plan for for our family.

3. If you had 4.5 months off between jobs, what would you do with that time?

   I’m finishing grad school in a month and a half, and have a job offer with a start date in the fall. They provided a signing bonus, so my bills are paid with a bit to play with (but not trying to spend stupidly here). Have done quite a bit of travel during school, and have two trips planned toward the end of the time off, but want to best make use of the rest of the time.

   Some ideas: focus on working out and working toward a fitness goal, volunteer for an animal rescue, learn to DIY and do some small condo renovations, etc.

   1. A NOLS class or make a Camino de Santiago.

      1. A NOLS class is a fantastic idea.

      2. Waaaay late, but the 90s kid inside me read that as Carmen Sandiego and now I imagine OP going off on international heists…

   2. I’d prioritize my friendships that I might have neglected during grad school, including (if it made sense) a road trip to visit some of them in their current towns. Whatever that looks like – brunches, after-work (for them) meetups, workout classes together, etc. I’d sign up for some kind of semi-bougie gym that I was interested in (yoga, pilates, rock climbing) and enjoy a routine. I’d read more books (library/apps/little free libraries) and become a habitual coffee shop/local bakery reader. I think a condo reno would be fun/hard and a great way to spend some time.

   3. The two weeks I had off one August between my last job change feels magical looking back on it. I’m lucky enough to live a 5 minute walk from an amazing lake and spent almost every afternoon parked on a beach chair reading. I scheduled a massage, haircut, and went to the theater twice.

      That’s an amazing chunk of time – I like the idea of a volunteer routine and various projects speckled between relaxing. Especially since it’s over the summer! When was the last time many of us had a true summer break? Maybe try some favorite summer activities from when you were younger or have fond memories doing.

      You could fill the entire 4.5 months with big projects, life management and self improvement work. And you could also do nothing and feel you wasted the time. Find a balance between keeping busy and active, and embracing the opportunity to relax and just be.

   4. Surf bumming in Costa Rica, travel around Europe, visit 10 national parks, hike a peak or five. Don’t stay home.

      1. I agree with don’t stay home to an extent. I’d also want to make sure I enjoy spending time with friends and family and pursue my hobbies. I really enjoy group fitness classes and running so I’d pursue those activities almost daily.

         1. Definitely. Even if there is a period where you need to stay home for financial purposes or whatever, use that time to sign up for an eight week tennis class at the YMCA, ask friends to come visit you, learn how to edit, or do anything else besides organize your closet and go to the coffee shop as the activity of the day. I promise, it will be SO much more restorative to make something of this time.

            1. *edit movies from your phone.

   5. I’d move to Tuscany.

      1. Ok this is clearly the right answer!!

   6. Travel! Something you may not have time for again until you retire and could not do at home, e.g. not working towards a fitness goal or volunteering locally. Seriously, if you are entering the workforce and may have kids one day, there is a decent chance you won’t get a long break like this where you can just up and leave for … decades. Have fun!

   7. Hike the PCT or the AT. I also like the Camino de Santiago and surfing in Costa Rica ideas. If money is a barrier, get a seasonal job at a really awesome national park so you can spend the summer there.

      If you want a dog and aren’t going to travel for more than a couple of weeks during your downtime, get the dog right away and spend a ton of time training it while you have the chance.

      1. Backpacking is something to train for — 25ish pounds on your back can be a lot. I love hiking but backpacking IMO is a different beast.

   8. You’ve gotten great suggestions, just want to say congrats on finishing grad school and landing a job!

   9. I’m a low energy person and I have three young kids, but in your shoes I could work out, volunteer AND do small renovations in your time frame. Working out is a priority for me, so I’d focus on that so I already had the habit established when I start my job. But that’s just me. Don’t just do something because you feel like you should. What do you WANT out of your time? Work backward from there. Congratulations!

   10. My husband is in a similar situation (6 months) and is hiking the Appalachian trail. I’ll be using my corresponding months of bachelorette time to write a book of family history since I am the keeper of all genealogical info. (I still work obv.)

   11. I’d take the dream vacation I’ve always wanted — a cross-country drive visiting all the places I’ve ever wanted to see: the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Yosemite — all the great sights, plus all the bucket-list things I want to do: See a concert at Red Rocks, two-step at Greune Hall, stand on a corner in Winslow, Arizona…. Do a lighthouse tour down the east coast. Do the Jimmy Buffett tour of Key West.

       I’d need that job when I got back home — my bank account would have an echo!

       Enjoy your time off and congrats on the new job!

   12. I’d probably spend first 2 weeks at home, then 3 months doing a road trip across the US to stay with my best friends, hike in beautiful places, and try out fun restaurants and workout classes in new cities, and then spend the last month seeing local friends and really focused on making my home comfortable (fixing up yard, cleaning out closets, framing and hanging photos, adding shelves in my pantry)…

   13. I would rent an airbnb in a central location for at least a month, and use it as a jumping off point to do day trip elsewhere. Personally, I’d love to do this in Italy, and I could jump on a train to explore small towns nearby, maybe a few overnight trips farther out (but cheaper to base in one place and try to get a deal on housing costs, rather than moving from hotel to hotel).

   14. It’s a perfect time for animal rescue since there are so many puppies and kittens born in the spring.The shelters are overflowing.

4. Random question for those who know more about etiquette than me – is there a standard protocol for when you get someone a card in a professional setting versus when you would write a note on a personalized notecard like one with your initials on it? This is a retirement and thank you type of card for a doctor that’s been very important to me and my family – delivered my kids and was there for a lot. Just heard that he’s retiring in a few weeks. DH and I live across the country now but we are still appreciative of everything he did for us to get our family here and would both like to acknowledge and say a few nice words. I know he enjoys the outdoors and skiing so I was just going to grab a Hallmark card with some outdoor theme to it, when DH said IDK is that too casual, why not use a more formal notecard? And then we both realized that we’re over 40 and have no idea how people do these things. Does it matter? My only weird insistence is a foldable card – so that if it’s left lying out somewhere, every random person isn’t reading what we say.

   1. It doesn’t matter at all. The most important thing is to send the card. He’ll appreciate the note, no matter what.

      1. I wrote the comment above and felt the need to add that I send lots of cards and notes in the mail. No one has ever seemed to notice whether it was a Hallmark type card or a piece of personalized stationery. Either is appropriate in this situation!

      2. I agree with this. Perfect is the enemy of good here. Do the good

   2. Your husband is quibbling over whether you send a purchased greeting card or a “formal card”????

      I didn’t grow up among people who had such things as “formal cards” or cards with their initials on them, so this is a moot point for me (and a bit of an insight into upper-class etiquette rules, apparently).

      My take: use whatever method you want for something this thoughtful and kind.

      1. I was given a box of formal stationary at 16 (got to pick the color of the cards/ink/font) and have used them regularly since then – it is old school but my family is in the printing business so it was expected. People are thrilled to get any written notes these days but they seem especially charmed by personal stationary in particular.

      2. Yeah, formal cards are definitely a thing from a different social class than I grew up in. Who wants a boring, ugly card with someone’s initials instead of something pretty? Not me! I guess that makes me low class? If you want to be formal and businessy, just send an email.

      3. I grew up in a family where I got a box of personalized stationary at age 12, in the mid 00s. I still think a Hallmark card is fine.

      4. I grew up financially middle class but culturally old school WASP so I’m team personalized stationary here :)

         1. Same. Agree that the most important thing is to just send something, but ]who notice these things will, I think, appreciate a note on your personal stationery over a store-bought card. (But I hasten to add that anybody will appreciate a heartfelt note in any form so just send it!)

            1. Ugh. The people who notice these things…

         2. Same. Team Cranes! That, plus a card where you write something out is preferable the words on almost any card you could buy. A nice card from a museum shop that’s blank inside might be a lovely substitute, but I agree, Hallmark (or similar) to me just says “I didn’t try.”

            Plus, they’re shockingly expensive these days!

            1. I like to buy blank cards from local artists at street fairs in my area. They’re good for almost all occasions.

   3. I would say that either is fine. I can see DH’s point about the more formal notecard for personal correspondence and that is what I have used for thank you cards for mentors in the past, but any physical card is pretty formal in this era of digital communication, and I think it’s thoughtful to choose a card that you think he’d enjoy because of the theme.

   4. Okay, so here’s the rundown on this sort of thing:
      -monogrammed personal stationery is appropriate for all personal correspondence with the exception of condolences (see below). For a letter of this type, I would use my personal stationery. Of course you can get a greeting card! Sending the note is the most important thing! But I would use my personal stationery.
      – just in case people find it interesting: condolences should generally not be sent on monogrammed stationery. I keep a set of plain cards in a subdued color (sage green) for this.

      1. This is all true! I just wanted to also add for the OP’s benefit that the personal stationery is appropriate but not required. It’s just a matter of preference.

      2. Interesting, I’m the Dempsey and Carroll poster and I’ve always sent condolences on my personal stationery. My logic is they’re often going to family members that may not know me well enough to recognize a signature or return address and they’re formal/serious looking. Do you know the reason behind this one? And I thought I knew all the arcane rules!

         1. Hello fellow stationery lover! I was taught not to use my monogrammed stationery for condolence because it puts the focus on the sender vs the recipient. I worry about the “who is this?” issue as well, so I make sure I’m identifiable from the return address (I don’t share a last name with my husband and kids so I have different return address stamps depending on the audience).

            1. Oh we could so be IRL friends. I have multiple return address stamps for the same reason too! That’s interesting, thanks for the info!

   5. I agree it doesn’t matter but since you asked about etiquette, this is what personalized flat cards were made for. I order a batch annually from Dempsey and Carroll with my name on them. For a close friend, you line out your last name in ink and for all other correspondence you just use the cards. I use these for everything professional and a lot of personal occasions, too.

      1. This is lovely I didn’t know the part about lining out your last name. We got pretty embossed cards with our names for our wedding thank you notes and my husband loved having stationary handy. Also, he will fumble with what to write when the card already expresses his sentiment. So all in all I think personalized stationary is a really practical thing.

   6. I’m not an etiquette expert, but I’m a doctor who has received cards from people that I’ve taken care of. The card itself does not matter at all. What matters is what you write in the card. I’ve kept every card from a patient since I graduated from medical school, and they’ve been so meaningful to me, especially when I’ve been in seasons of burnout. One of my favorites was literally written in pencil on the back on a hospital menu.

   7. This is such a strange thing to worry about?

      1. Depends on your social class and geography. Being upper or even upper middle class from the south, this is stuff we were taught growing up because it was expected that people would tsk tsk if you sent a card with a picture of some random thing on it and Hallmark and the price printed on the back when the occasion called for elegant stationary with your initials on it. Though I agree nowadays, hand written notes are so rare plus this being a dr you’re thanking and wishing well on retirement even though you live across the country, ANYTHING will be fine. I lean more towards stationary but if you don’t have it, grab a card from your local grocery store if need be, just express the sentiment.

         1. I’m so glad I’m not southern!

   8. I have a lot of physicians in my social circle and thank you cards mean so much to them. The card itself doesn’t matter and seem to be a mix of all sorts.

5. How do you learn how to lean out?

   DINK with a partner who is a consultant with inconsistent hours. Need to learn to lean out at my job because they underpay and work people into the grave if not given boundaries. Industry is hugely difficult to find a position so leaving isn’t an option. My type-A side always wants to do more, which is met with enthusiasm but no pay or benefit, which results in my feeling resentful. I can’t change them so I have to change myself. Without kids to lean out for, when partner is often working til 10 or later, how do I learn to not spend that evening or weekend time working?

   1. Find something else you like better.
      Get outside.
      Try a new exercise class at a specific time.
      At night, after X time, do not log back in or check email unless you are aware of an actually urgent issue meaning you must handle it before morning or suffer a job loss/job unit will substantially suffer because of YOU, not others on the team who you’re waiting on/you know don’t work at night.
      Learn to have fun. I’m not being mean. I had to, too, there’s literally a book and Ted talk about four different types of fun.
      Give yourself permission to work the job they advertise, or how your co workers work. Start accepting work and setting longer deadlines. If it takes you 2 days now and you work at night, start saying “early next week” and don’t do it at night. Learn how long it takes you to do things within the job your employer is paying you to do.

   2. Lean in to something else. Hobby? Volunteering? A sport? Any of these with a social aspect (eg rock-climbing class with a friend)? Pre-kids, my spouse was the one in your situation. He used to run or climb in the evenings, arrange to meet friends after work for a drink or dinner, or play video games.

      1. Leaning into something else is the answer.

   3. Channel that Type A energy into finding a different career path. Unless you absolutely love the area you are in, like you’re working in animal rescues, you can find something that at least rewards you for your hard work.

   4. You just have to do it. It’s why I don’t get to the gym: in any moment, I prioritize other things more, so it doesn’t happen.

   5. If your hours are flexible, and no one would notice, I would go into work later. I find it harder to leave work once I’m there, but going in later and having a large chunk of the morning to myself helps me feel like I’m putting myself first.

   6. I joined a gym and also made a bunch of friends who like to do things.

   7. Hobbies and a social life?

      I’m single and live alone and log off at 5pm every day. I have standing after work plans most days:
      Monday: run with a friend then get dinner
      Tuesday: soccer league
      Wednesday: art class
      Thursday: happy hour or date
      Friday: long trail run and usually dinner or going out

      I also have at home hobbies if I’m not going out: art projects, house projects, reading, a class at my gym.

   8. Find your Third Place. Mine is a yoga studio.

      1. Same here! My yoga studio is my second home.

   9. Get a hobby. There needs to be something you like doing more than work.

   10. Leaving is an option if you want it to be.

   11. For me the answer was therapy and meditation. I would ruminate over work during my off time. Now I can just enjoy my downtime.

   12. Small bites at first. Set a timer and do a 5 minute task away from your desk every hour (stretch, watch birds out the window, something home related if you WFH) and take your lunch away from your desk doing something non-work related (walk outside, go to the library, podcasts on new-to-you topics).

   13. One thing that really helped me to learn how to lean out was bringing some awareness to where my leaning-in tendencies came from. Over the past few years, observing the white men I’m surrounded by at work, I came to understand that there are huge differences in what we consider “good enough” or even “exceptional” work. As I started to recognize that the rules are not the same for everyone, it helped me notice how I had adapted to that fact of life by always over-delivering. I don’t think of this as necessarily “Type A” or a “me issue” – because there are all kinds of forms of feedback that enforce those two sets of rules.

       So now I can stop and consider when I’m about to over-deliver: is this truly necessary? what would the benefits be? will everyone even notice, let alone appreciate it? And then I can decide on a case-by-case basis instead of always feeling I have something to prove. It’s a lot easier to have boundaries from this perspective.

       Or course, YMMV and know your workplace. But I wanted to share it because I feel like I discovered and un-installed a huge piece of feminine conditioning that I didn’t even know was there until recently.

6. IDK if anyone else here follows royalfashionpolice on insta. For me, it seems to be one place where I can see women wearing suits and business attire (but off, ribbon-cutting attire, which I can’t really stray into at my job). Anywho, there is a picture today of the Queen of Spain and the Queen of the Netherlands (both are consorts vs reigning queens). Observation 1: both seem to be quite tall. Observation 2: is this awkward at all, since IIRC Spain also used to include the Netherlands. IDK the answer to that — they seemed quite chill (of course they did — Queen Maxima is from . . . Argentina? Queen Leticia is a commoner (as am I). At any rate, Queen Leticia wears a lot of Boss.

   1. If I had an instagram account, I would be tempted to follow. Queen Letizia is a style icon.

   2. What?

   3. Queen Maxima has the carriage and personality to pull off some formidable clothing and jewelry. I love seeing photos of her, especially at white tie/tiara events. She makes what are probably very stiff events look fun. Queen Letizia is truly elegant (and King Philippe…. wowza that man can wear a suit).

      1. Agree with everything.

         King Felipe gets more handsome with every year, I think. So attractive!
         I’m always surprised that he and the Greek Crown Prince look very much alike – until I remember that they are actual first cousins.

         I love the vibe of the Dutch and Scandinavian royal families, as least as far as it’s portrayed in the media. They look “modern” and fun, yet support their countries. I also love that the women are smart – Maxima and Leticia both had successful careers before marrying.

         Not diving into the mess of the British royals here – but the difference to the others is quite stark.

      2. She couldn’t be named more correctly.

   4. Royal fashion is a guilty pleasure of mine. My husband has a minor political job and I am often expected to attend ribbon cuttings and the like, so I do look to them for inspiration.

      I don’t think it’s awkward to be together. The Brits don’t care about us Americans.

      1. If I were a royal or the wife of a man with a minor political job, I’d wear The Fold all the time!

         1. I think that is entry-level for this crowd. But some of them really mix in “high street” fashions, especially from companies from their country (H&M, & Other Stories in Sweden; Zara in Spain). Boss I guess is German?

   5. I used to bc I enjoy casually following the fashion, but got turned off by the account constantly lecturing followers. In any event I don’t think today’s royals have any particular bad blood because of previous wars or disputes. They seem like a pretty congenial bunch of colleagues at this point.

      1. I stay hella away from the comments. I used to love it when GoFugYourself stopped the royals coverage (apparently we can’t have nice things anymore), because that was what introduced me to “MaxAndWax”.

         1. I haven’t been back to GoFugYourself since they stopped. It was why I was there.

            1. same re GFY!

            2. Me too.

            3. Same. I miss them but I was there for royals and I’m not otherwise thank interested.

         2. I followed that account at some point, but had stopped, admittedly, a long time ago. Why did they stop having Royals coverage?

            1. Oh I googled it and found their explanation. Commenters could not stop being horrible racists.

               https://www.gofugyourself.com/fugs-pieces-march-12th-2021-03-2021

            2. ugh, that was the peak era where if you said you didn’t care for a particular outfit that Meghan wore for XYZ reason (like the pants were dragging on the ground and you thought it looked sloppy) people would jump down your throat saying you were r-cist for disliking it!

               I’m sure some people were saying *actual* atrocious things bc plenty of truly awful people hide behind keyboards, but with the constant sniping over the most petty stuff, I can see why they stopped altogether.

            3. I mean, that link said they concluded it was not a safe space for black readers, so I think it must have been a lot more than not liking the hemline.

   6. I enjoy diplomatic fashion. Royals are basically high level figure heads. Govts set the policy so wars ages ago have no bearing on current relations. Govts arrange the visits beyond family events like weddings/funerals etc.

      1. In my husband’s family, there was a lucrative family business. It didn’t get divided evenly, but went to the one son, who promptly sold it. His kids don’t really work real jobs and the cousins from the daughters are still bitter about it. THIS USED TO BE OURS. OURS!!!

         I guess if you are a royal, you are aware that you didn’t have your line get deposed violently or get beheaded (or your line benefitted from someone else’s beheading), so maybe they are humble and just consider themselves lucky. IDK. It is amazing spectacle to watch and reflect upon.

         1. IDK I feel like the more interesting aspect is the fact that constitutional monarchies seem to be much more stable and prosperous than republics. Absolute monarchies differ obviously. Maybe something about institutions that are able to progress steadily and slowly has a cohesive effect on states?

            1. Help me think — what is a republic. Germany? Greece? Latvia? Switzerland? Italy? Portugal (IDK how they wound up different than Spain). Everything else that comes to mind seems to have some sort of royals or titled people running around still.

               I guess Napoleon shook the old world up a bit.

               Also, the YouTube channel Useful Charts has all of these shows on who would rule X now if it were still a kingdom or this succession rule had been followed. So much going on in my head when I walk the dog.

            2. Portugal’s monarchy was overthrown in a democratic revolution in the early 20th century. Spain’s monarchy lost actual power when Franco took over, but were retained in figurehead status (I’m simplifying a lot of the history there). That’s the difference.

               The largest economies in the EU (France, Germany) are not monarchies. Nor are Switzerland, Ireland, Austria, etc. So it’s not true in Europe that constitutional monarchies are more stable and prosperous than states without monarchs. It is true that the poorest states in Europe aren’t constitutional monarchies, but they also weren’t even democracies until the fall of the Iron Curtain, so I doubt it’s the lack of a monarch that’s behind it…

            3. I wasn’t limiting the reference to Europe? Australia, Canada, New Zealand and Japan are all constitutional monarchies. Per the Economist 10/20 of the world’s top democracies are constitutional monarchies as are 9/20 of the world’s richest countries.

            4. “Portugal’s monarchy was overthrown in a democratic revolution in the early 20th century. Spain’s monarchy lost actual power when Franco took over, but were retained in figurehead status (I’m simplifying a lot of the history there). That’s the difference.”
               No, the Spanish monarchy was overthrown that time by the Second Republic after losing an election in 1931, and the royal family had to go into exile, they were there 30 years. They no retained any status.
               Dictator Franco reestablished them when he chose Prince Juan Carlos (King Felipe father) as his heir in the 1960s.

   7. Letizia is 5 6 and no it isn’t awkward at all the centuries ago things were different.

      1. Yeah why tf would it be awkward 500 years later?

         1. I think it’s that these people are all cousins or related, so while they seem separate, maybe there is a bit of “You got Gran’s country and all I got was a revolution and we had to flee and now we don’t even have a yacht.” Maybe? Or it’s all unicorns and rainbows. My family would be a hot mess as royals — pls no one give us a country. We will put inside furniture out on the porch.

            1. Except that the Spanish rule of the Netherlands was under the Hapsburgs and neither of these monarchies are the House of Hapsburg.

            2. This made me laugh so hard! Thank you :)

            3. Hahaha. I’ve been taking daily walks in the rich neighborhood (truly rich, homes worth $10mm) and there’s this one very nice house with the rattiest couch on the front porch. My immediate thought was “how did my kinfolk afford to buy this house?”

         2. The Dutch heir to the throne has been living in Spain the last year, so not massively awkward, no. Heh.

      2. Yeah if that kind of thing were still awkward you would not have Sweden’s royal family posting a goofy Instagram photo cheering for Sweden’s soccer team against Denmark and tagging the Denmark royal family account in it. (Or something like that.)

   8. I think that people have generally managed to put the Thirty Years War behind them at this point, although I personally remain a bit testy over the Battle of White Mountain.

   9. I follow that account and really enjoy it. I’ve often thought Queen Rania of Jordan is another standout.

      1. SA-love Rania and the Jordanian royal family. Also the young Brunei royalty is fascinating, gorgeous and so rich.

   10. 1- Queen Letizia is not tall at all.
       2- That happened centuries ago, these two particular royal families are close friends. Yesterday’s dinner was a way to thank the Spanish kings for taking care of the Dutch heiress this year when she came to Spain to live/study to avoid mafia kidnapping treatments.
       3- Queen Letizia yesterday wore a wedding dress from the brand Second Skin adapted to her.

7. As a young person, I loved to travel. Even in my 20s and 30s, I enjoyed the process. Now that I’m in my 40s, not at all. I find the idea of ubering to the airport tedious. I find airports gross and loud and there’s nowhere to sit. Flights are crammed and people are rude and smell like perfumes and mints and odors. Hotels can be fine but there’s never an outlet where you need and it’s so expensive and annoying to have to eat out any time there’s hunger. Even activities with people I enjoy feel a bit anxiety-producing due to the unpredictability of weather or what shoes feel comfortable, etc. When I get home after, I’m glad to have had the moment with loved ones but have no interest in going on the next trip.

   So many people (here and elsewhere) talk about their love of travel and I worry that I so dislike it all and would just rather be home in my comfort zone. Am I broken? How do I fix this, short of becoming a trillionaire who flies private and has a home with wardrobes in every city?

   1. You just accept that you’re not going to love every aspect of it. Does anyone love sitting in the airport? No. Is it worth it once you’re on the beach in Hawaii? Yes. You’re going to close yourself off from a lot of opportunity if if you let the little inconveniences block you to that level. That doesn’t mean that you can’t try to make tweaks to increase your comfort, like buying economy plus or doing more road trips, but you simply cannot let the inconveniences of travel stop you from going anywhere. They will ALWAYS exist.

      1. And I’ll admit, my response is colored by growing up with relatives who always wanted us to come to them and would almost never come to us because they found the travel inconvenient. It’s inconvenient for everyone! But reciprocity and the need to see wonderful places on this earth need to weigh in the balance as well. If you don’t travel, are you expecting your family and friends to always come to you?

      2. But it sounds like she doesn’t think it’s worth it, which is a valid opinion.

         1. It sounds to me like there could be some irritability masking what was a former love of travel.

      3. Some of us look forward to the airports. The people watching. Inventing stories about why different people are going different places. It unleashes my inner novelist.

         1. Yeah I love airplanes and airports.

            1. Samesies. I just prepare for adventure in my mind, vs ever expecting anything to work as planned. And always pee before getting on a plane.

            2. I was an expat and then traveled heavily internationally for work for 10 year, and honestly, premium airport lounges feel like home to me.

            3. I spent 10+ hours on the tarmac of a country waiting for my evacuation flight as a kid. No flush toilets. Adventure is my love language.

         2. +1 It is my quiet place for introspection, feeling connected to strangers, and pondering our place in the world. Almost the same as a house of worship.

      4. Traveling isn’t some prerequisite for a full, happy, meaningful life. Travel if you want to, but it’s okay not to want to. It doesn’t make you broken. Yes, sometimes you’ll need to suck it up if you have far-flung family or work obligations. Otherwise, spend your time where you are happiest. For some people, that’s home.

   2. Are you dealing with anxiety?

      1. I’m wondering this too. Irritability and negativity about all the different things could be a symptom of that.

         1. Not wanting to travel is not a mental illness. Come on.

            1. +1 people here are unhinged. And I say that as someone who loves to travel.

   3. I feel much like you do. I never regret traveling, but parts of the journey are not enjoyable at all. Also, I think it’s pretty typical to become more of a homebody in your 40s.

      1. I haven’t found that true in my circles. Most people seem more eager to travel while they can and have more time.

         1. I don’t think people in their 40s generally have more time to travel than people in their 20s. More money, yes. But mid-life is when many people own homes and pets, have kids in school, have eldercare obligations and are charging hard at their careers. All of that complicates travel. In my circles, it’s super common for people to travel a lot when they’re young, ease off in mid life and then resume more frequent travel once they’re retired.

            I love to travel and we spend an almost absurd amount of money on it, but even I feel a desire to be more settled than I did in my 20s. Back then I would have traveled constantly if I’d had the funds. Now I have the funds and we plan some epic trips but it’s important to me to be consistently present for my regular life too.

         2. Same. I’m mid forties with 3 kids and we travel internationally every year. Our kids were complaining that they were the only ones who ‘stayed home’ for March break. Friends were variously in Jamaica, Mexico, Florida, Paris and Hawaii.

            I don’t think it’s particularly virtuous one way or the other. We just enjoy seeing new places and experiencing new cultures/foods/environments. Don’t live somewhere with easy driving vacation options so we tend to do a flight to new location and then use public transit there. We avoid short haul when trains etc are options.

            Most of us travelled cheap in our 20s, had no money to travel in our 30s between daycare bills and student loans and are now hitting the road again with upper elementary years.

   4. I wonder if it would help to upgrade some things? Acquire a weather proof and coordinating travel wardrobe and comfortable shoes, fly business class, and stay somewhere with a kitchen? I think there are reasons why clothing brands that target middle aged women (Soft Surroundings, Coldwater Creek, J. Jill) sell so much travel attire!

      I also wonder how you are feeling in general? If I am not sleeping as well or have some simmering health issue that hasn’t been addressed, that can lead to me feeling more irritable or anxious or more sensitive to things like noise and odors. Even if it’s just issues related to perimenopause, it might worth investing in feeling better since I think in our 20s and 30s, energy and feeling well is what helped us ignore these aspects of the travel experience.

      Finally, have you considered trying a different kind of destination? Driving out to a rented cabin on a lake in the mountains is still travel and may be a nice change of pace.

      1. +1 when my kids were smaller we only did driving vacations and it made the whole process MUCH more enjoyable. We still do a driveable beach vacation for a week every year and picking a place where we can walk/bike everywhere once we arrive makes it feel like such a relaxing trip. My must haves for any trip over 3 days is having a kitchen and laundry facilities. I hate coming home with suitcases of stinky sweaty clothing and having to get dressed to get a cup of good coffee.

      2. Different anon, but this is why I hate to travel. I have a chronic illness and am sensitive to noise, smells, sun, bright light, not getting enough sleep, not eating regularly, motion sickness, getting too hot or cold, needing bathroom access, etc., etc. So travel is pretty much guaranteed to make me feel terrible, both the process of getting there and even most travel destinations aren’t that fun (beach vacations are pretty much my worst nightmare- sun, light, heat, seasickness, all rolled into one!). At home, I can more or less keep things under control enough to function in my day to day life, but when I travel, it all goes out the window and I end up feeling crappy for days or weeks afterward, so it’s rarely worth it, except to see family or when I have to for work.

         1. +1

            I hear you. Despite being incredibly healthy active and lucky during early life and loving travel in my 20s/30s, much of my current health/sleep/comfort situation is beyond my control health wise. So the few things I can control, I like to.

            So OP, I also use the extra $ of our age range to make travel more comfortable, whenever possible.

      3. Agree on driving versus flying. Unless you’re in rural Maine or the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, a long one day drive will get you to a lot of fun destinations.

         Driving is nice because the stereo is there, your phone stays charged, you can chat with friends, you pack what you want and don’t worry about size limits on shampoo, you control the temperature, and you can bring all your fav foods.

         Consider staying at a Residence Inn and getting a meal kit delivered there (which you can do!). Hit up the local grocery store for breakfast basics, sandwich makings, some frozen meals, and snacks. Meal kit for a few dinners, and go out for a few others.

   5. There’s nothing wrong with not liking travel.

      I will say that as I approach 40 I get business class tickets for international flights whenever I can. I’m totally ok in economy on short flights within North America and the Caribbean, but if I’m taking an overnight flight it helps a lot to have the lieflat seat.

      1. Amen to this. Plus biz class gets you faster check-in and access to the lounge in the airport and that helps a lot, too.

   6. Can you focus on the worst part of travel and throw some money at it or figure out how to make things easier on yourself? Private cars to/from the airport, pack your own food to take to the airport and save a fun book/movie/podcast to watch on the plane? Only take tried and true clothing, pack a strip outlet or use more homes vs. hotels? I bet if you ID those things people will have some good ideas for you. I’m in consulting and every consultant I know has a million tips/tricks on how to make constant travel more bearable.
      I feel you though – I’ve got tween/teen and trying to manage kids in airports with inevitable delays/accomodate different preferences in travel is a LOT. ‘Vacations’ are often exhausting, expensive, and a hassle to plan. I daydream about booking solo travel like I did in my 20s and will probably do more of it in my 50s once the kids are grown and flown!

      1. Family travel is a whole new level of chaos! I’m always glad for it, but it is just a lot to factor in four people’s quirks and preferences and let’s face it, it’s more about the kids than about us at this point.

         1. I like to think that I could have handled D-Day from doing lots of two-planes-to-get-there travel with two kids in diapers (each year, a different one would be potty training).

            1. You’ve got my undying respect. We flew once with a newly potty trained child and it was fine from a bathroom angle but having to do the stroller/car seat/travel crib gate check thing was miserable.

   7. It’s ok not to enjoy travel. It’s not a virtue.

      1. Agree. I understand we’re living in an era where “experiences, not things!!!” is the mantra, but there is a lot about travel to dislike. There are times where it’s still worth it, but I have gone through long periods where I honestly felt like I didn’t have the bandwidth to take a big trip and actually enjoy it.

         1. My mom was a flight attendant and started flying in 1967 in an era of white gloves and hats and pretty uniforms for every season. She took an early retirement and just never went back after 9/11. She’s appalled at travel these days. Airlines (I’m looking at you, American) are actively trying to make the flying experience less enjoyable (planes come with a recommended number of rows – American has squeezed in extra so it really is more crowded; seats come with recommended cushions – American has gone thinner/cheaper). Add in whatever proportion of the flying public that can’t hold its liquor / decides to have a mental health incident on a plane, and it’s a really miserable experience.

            Tips to make it better: TSA pre-check, Bose noise cancelling headphones, window seats (so there’s only someone on one side of you) near the front (so you can get off sooner).

            And but also, OP, I go through seasons where traveling just feels like too much and it’s not enjoyable and I just want to stay home. That’s ok, too. My mom basically stays in her house all the time now except to go to the grocery store or doctor. I keep urging her to get out, but her response is, “Daughter, I was in public with people for 30 years, I have seen all the people I ever want to see. I’m perfectly content at home in the quiet with my kitty and good book.” Amen, sister.

      2. I agree that it’s OK not to enjoy travel, but I’m struck by OP’s post saying that she loved it when she was younger and then listing a bunch of minor complaints that are clearly really affecting her. This sounds like there could be some depression or anxiety affecting things. The true homebodies I know usually speak in positive terms, like “ I love my area” or “my kids are here” and so on.

         1. Or maybe she’s just over it. Just because she’s not into it anymore doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with her.

            1. +1. We’re allowed to change! And FWIW, the irritants she listed felt very relatable. Especially if it’s going to make a miserable time out of something you’ve spent effort and money planning, it starts feeling less worth it.

         2. I think it’s normal for your preferences to change over time. I know plenty of people who enjoyed travel a lot in their 20s who are over it in their 40s. Kids are a factor in many cases and it sounds like that’s not relevant to OP, but still… I don’t think it’s weird to change your interests as you get older.

      3. Completely agree with this. I enjoy seeing new places but loathe the process of getting there, what flights do to my stomach/gut, the time changes, etc. I’d happily never do it for fun. My husband loves it so we do it, and my compromise is business or first for flights, nice hotels, checked luggage and car services in foreign countries that meet you in the airport. It helps a lot. We are DINKS and have big jobs so that helps with the financial aspect.

      4. +1 it’s fine not to enjoy travel, even if you enjoyed it before. Given climate change, I appreciate it that there are people who limit their plane travel, just like I appreciate people who take other steps to reduce their impact.

         There are lots of worthwhile leisure activities, so there’s no reason to pursue something expensive that you don’t enjoy. A caveat: do show up for loved ones even if it means some travel from time to time.

   8. OMG I feel so SEEN, anon. I feel like a defective person and worry that people will think I am some kind of MAGA because I just want to stay home with my cats.

      1. I still love travel, but it’s really REALLY hard to beat staying home with my cats.

      2. But one of the best parts of travel is coming home to the cats! ;)

   9. it’s ok to want a more comfortable experience now than you did at 25. This costs some extra money but…
      -a credit card that gives you lounge access makes the wait for a flight pleasant
      -paying for extra legroom seats at the front of the plane
      -staying at a long-term stay type property or hotel that offers at least a mini-fridge and coffee maker so you can have light breakfasts in

      1. I’d also recommend staying at hotels with good club or concierge floors. I don’t get back all the added cost in eating in the lounge, but the ability to have easy access to coffee in the morning, a quick breakfast plus some snacks to put in my bag just makes it so much more enjoyable.

      2. Agree with these. A few other suggestions:
         -If you’re in or near a major city, train travel to another nearby city is a wonderful option. Trains are usually on time, none of the hassle of the airport, can read your book or listen to music for a few hours and then just walk out into a new place.
         -Having a day when you get back to unpack, do laundry, and grocery shop makes the whole experience much easier. So if you’d otherwise come back on a Sunday, come back on Saturday instead.
         -Nice hotels don’t have the problems you mentioned. Try some new hotel brands or maybe you need to spend more to have a better experience.

   10. Why do you think it needs to be fixed? With a few exceptions such as funerals, weddings, etc., travel is not a life requirement. I traveled a lot in the U.S. and internationally for 20+ years. I’ve been just about everywhere except countries where Americans can’t travel — Iraq, Cuba, Libya, etc. About five years ago, I just got sick of it. Travel is expensive, yet crowded and sometimes gross. Although I loved some places, there are other countries I will be happy to never see again.

       So, I just stopped. I’ll still travel to see my family and for events, but I don’t travel just to do it. My husband will occasionally go with his family without me. Travel is not a “virtue,” that’s just marketing. Stay home if you want, who knows, some day a particular place may intrigue you and you’ll decide to go there.

       1. I didn’t travel that much, but I did used to travel more than I do now.

          I will travel, but I prefer shorter trips, like a week max. I’ll pay more for a direct flight at reasonable times, and I like Southwest because it’s so easy to change your flight.

          I also kind of reframe my lack of interest in travel as instead being very happy where I live. There is almost always something fun to do here (DC) and there’s nature easily accessible by a day trip.

   11. It’s pretty normal not to enjoy the process.

       Pick a seat near the front of the plane. Bring the usual eyemask/ear plugs. Bring your own food if you don’t like plane food. Throw money at shorter direct flights. I’ll sometimes drive a couple hours to do a shorter direct flight (or drive a couple hours on arrival).

       I prefer apartment hotels in smaller cities or towns with day trips into big cities. Italy is great for agritourismos for quiet in the evening and lots of easy guided tours to various cities/sites.

   12. 1- pay for lounge access and at a minimum comfort plus
       2- embrace what you like. In my 40s I like a nice hotel and I’d rather do that a couple times a year than constant long weekends
       3- ask yourself whether it’s just travel that no longer brings joy or if maybe you’re a bit depressed

   13. Air travel today isn’t the same as it was. It’s much worse. I’m 40, and I flew 2 international flights last week – 21 hours of flying total across 2 flights. Neither flight gave great amenities. I’m talking, basic water. We got tiny little cups, 3 times total per flight. I kept going to the back of the plane to ask for another little cup because hello, it’s very dehydrating flying a 13 hour and a 8 hour flight. This was on Delta. I did bring a water bottle of my own, but the airport from which I left inexplicably had no water fountains or refilling stations in the terminal. I even asked a staff member if I was missing one.

   14. You’re not broken. I’m 45 and kind of over travel. I also really cringe at the dating apps where all anyone wants to discuss is travel.

       I’m much more interested in building g a daily life that I love and am not constantly daydreaming about escaping.

       1. Ding ding ding!

       2. The constant talk about travel on dating apps is EXHAUSTING. I don’t care that you’ve been to 32 countries.

   15. I think part of growing older is having less tolerance for BS. When you’re younger everything is new and you don’t really know what to expect. Now you know what can go wrong. You’re anticipating it and if it happens there’s a, not again!, sense that wasn’t there before. I noticed it when clubbing became less enticing to me in my mid-20s. So many creepy men and sloppily drunk girls. Now that I’m 40 I’ve noticed the same attitude emerging about flying. I’m getting in my long haul flights while I can still tolerate them. I’m no longer waiting until retirement to see the other side of the world because I have a feeling I won’t want to be on a plane for 24 hours.

   16. I hate flying and dislike many hotels. A few years of heavy business travel ruined it for me. At this point I prefer less frequent, higher impact trips. Weekend getaways aren’t long enough to justify the stress. I’d rather do one weeklong vacation a year to Europe or a tropical destination. I have enough out of town weddings and business travel that I don’t need the additional cost and hassle of “just for fun” trips every 6 weeks.

   17. You’re not broken. I honestly find the idea of travel in general very unappealing. Specific trips with specific people are way more compelling than just ticking off a bucket list item.

   18. I personally hate airports and flying, so I’m with you on that. I don’t mind hotels at all, although as we grow older we definitely spend more and stay in nicer places, whereas 20 year old me was thrilled in a cheap hostel, but that’s normal I think. To me there’s a joy that comes from being somewhere new that brings out a freer, more carefree, more curious part of me, and to me that is absolutely worth the hassle. But that may not be true for you, and that’s ok. Just on the food thing, if I’m staying somewhere for more than 2-3 days I often go to a grocery store and get some fruit, crackers, humus, nuts and anything else that’s an easy snack because I also get overdosed on restaurants.

   19. You don’t HAVE to travel! I know there are lots of people who think you’re some sort of backwoods hick if you haven’t seen the world. But the thing is, most people haven’t. It’s a very privileged point of view. If you don’t like it, don’t do it!

   20. I think travel is objectively more disgusting and unpleasant than it was 10 or 20 years ago. For example, airplane seats are smaller and pitched closer together, and turnaround times are shorter so planes are not cleaned as throughly between flights. Flights are always full so you never get that empty middle seat next to you. “Nice” hotels are dirtier. Etc.

   21. SAME!! Especially for trips with my family.
       Less so for solo business travel – there, the inconvenience sets off against the advantage of flexibility for myself.

   22. I love traveling but fwiw airplanes+airports are the actual worst – I think it’s because they are uncomfortable, bad experiences but aren’t adventurous so I feel like they should be smooth, reasonably comfortable – and that mismatch in expectations gets under my skin like nothing else. Like I can keep my calm getting detained at gunpoint at a middle of nowhere border for hours bc I’m pretending not to understand the demand for a bribe but the TSA makes my blood pressure spike. It is totally illogical, but I can absolutely see how upgrading my dirtbag ways a little could actually make the remaining frustrations feel more uncomfortable. Ignore this if it doesn’t resonate, but is there any chance a “hard” trip feels appealing in a way “easyish but frustrating” ones don’t?

       On the bigger question – I don’t think there anything wrong with not liking travel! For me, all the things I get out of it, I could get out of other things (exposing myself to more cultures/people who live different lives; challenging my personal limits; sense of accomplishment from doing something hard; learning a new thing; being more present and observant of what’s around me) — maybe you are just filling those buckets in your at-home life, in ways that weren’t happening as much when you were younger?

8. I hate my law firm. I think it’s managed extremely poorly. Partners keep 50% of what we collect. If we did the work. If someone else does the work (associate/other partner) I have been told that I cannot keep a dime. I have discovered that this is a lie. That multiple partners have shadow deals that accounting and firm management know about, so if I originate it and they do it, I could get 5%. This isn’t allowed under our operating agreement. I’ve been told this is how it is. Not to rock the boat. I don’t have enough of a book to leave. This sucks. That’s all.

   1. When partners ask you to work on a case/matter, would that be an appropriate inflection point to ask about your getting a percentage of the collection on that case/matter “because I understand that’s an approved approach at this firm?”

      1. I don’t get this — you are an associate. You get measured on what you bill — that’s your value to a firm. If you have some of your own work, then you no doubt get credit for that (but don’t keep the $s — you are not renting a booth and cutting hair). If you are in the US, I feel like you are fundamentally understanding how law firms work as a business. Your comp is probably higher than associates without their own small book.

         1. Maybe she’s at an “eat what you kill” firm?

         2. My mistake. Should have said “if you originate the work, when you are asking someone else to do it,” can you have this conversation.

   2. I am sorry. I do think it is unusual to have no origination incentive/cut. There has been one in every firm I’ve worked in except for the massive ones, but in those the incentive usually came back in the form of bonus and partnership consideration.

   3. My knee jerk was that’s dumb. But then again I think a lot of problems with law firms comes from the fact that you have a lot of old partners with longtime client relationships who have passed the work and the client management on to a younger generation that doesn’t get OG credit. The old partners are on the golf course leeching money away from the firm when they don’t even know the current GC’s name. Or originating partners hand off matters that aren’t in their practice area but refuse to manage the client. If there’s a billing issue they just cut those bills down to nothing because what do they care it’s not their time that’s not getting paid. A system that only pays you if you’re doing the work would incentivize partner to stay at least minimally involved in all matters not just the ones where they’re super hands on.

9. How often do you change hand towels? We’ve been noticing tiny black spots after several days that I’m guessing must be mold or possibly bacteria?We usually change all towels once a week (and everything is hung to dry properly/never bunched up while in use) but should I go to twice a week? Should I be using bleach on every towel laundry cycle? I’m not sure why this problem has started…

   Also, do you wash the bath mat (the thin towel-like kind) with sheets and towels or with cleaning rags? We usually do the latter but I think we’re not doing those loads often enough.

   1. Misread as “cleaning rage,” which seems to be how and when I clean.

   2. We do once a week and wash the bath mat with the towels and cleaning rags all in one load (these aren’t generally that dirty- we use paper towels for the really gross stuff), but I think the answer to this question will depend on how often you use the towels and how wet they stay, which depends on the humidity of your bathroom and thickness of your towels. If they’re actually getting moldy that fast, you have a problem and the problem might be better fixed by managing bathroom humidity or getting thinner towels or better towel racks. Or maybe just new towels or a good bleaching of the old ones will solve the problem.

   3. Are you noticing mold or mildew anywhere else in that room? It definitely could be mold/mildew if the hand towel isn’t drying completely. We wash our hand towels at least once a week. However, I know many people wash after every use (usually have a number of wash clothes used for drying). I also know many people who use paper guest towels for drying hands/faces in bathrooms. The bathmats get washed weekly.

      1. We wash ours weekly in a cool, damp climate and haven’t noticed any issue. I think they start to smell a bit musty, but I throw them in with dishtowels (I use them for all mess spills etc) and cloth napkins, which always need some oxyclean and they come out fine. When these are in tatters though, I want waffle ones.

   4. Hand towels, every day because they get a ton of use and there are 3 of us.
      Washcloths with each use.
      Bath towels – each person weekly.
      I never use bleach. I have a wood slat mat; however, if it were the type you describe it would be weekly for sure. Knowing me I would have 2 and switch our midweek.

   5. Do you live somewhere very humid? I’ve never had this issue in the northeast or midwest and I don’t use bleach. In any event, yeah, I think this means you either need to wash them more often or more likely you need to turn up your A/C, get a dehumidifier, or air the towels out better.

      It grosses me out to wash bath mats with our towels but there really isn’t anything wrong with it if you’re washing in hot water and you’re washing them weekly.

   6. We use one body towel per person per week, unless it is a particularly humid stretch and they smell musty before then. I swap out the hand towel every 2-3 days. We use washcloths once. I don’t use bleach because my towels are not white.

      We use a heavy rug rather than a bath mat. That gets vacuumed weekly and shaken outside if needed between vacuum days, then washed (either in the shower or outdoors with a hose) every quarter or so.

   7. once a week unless it’s a really humid rainy period, in which case everything gets a midweek launder.

   8. Every day. I wash towels once or twice a week, but get a fresh set every single day, without fail.

      1. +1
         I change all towels and cloths every day and do a weekly towel and bedding wash.

   9. I switch out kitchen towels midweek. Bathroom hand towels probably more or less on the same schedule, but it depends on which bathroom.

      Have you considered getting a dehumidifier? That has made a big difference in my bathroom.

   10. Are the towels 100% cotton? I notice mildew with microfiber towels but not with cotton.

   11. I never see visible spots but I add white vinegar to the washing machine whenever I clean sheets or towels. It kills any sweat or mildew smells that build up. If you’re seeing mold then absolutely clean your towels more often and make sure you run the fan after showering.

   12. How do you dry your towels? If the issue with spots is new and none of your laundry habits have changed, you may want to check that the path from your dryer lint trap all the way through to the exterior vent is clean and not obstructed. You should do that once a year anyhow, but if heavy fabrics are suddenly showing signs of not having dried all the way through (like unexpected mildew), that can indicate a problem with your dryer.

       Separate comment in reaction to your last question: I don’t wash or dry sheets and towels together. The fabric weight is so different I expect combining them in the laundry regularly would wear out the sheets much sooner.

10. Sewers, where do you buy pretty apparel fabrics? I’m probably between an advanced beginner and intermediate and want to move beyond JoAnn but not all the way to designer $40/yard types.

    1. The sale rack at Mood?

    2. I see some fabric sold on Etsy, either as odd lots or by sellers in that business.

    3. Do you have a local fabric store? In Canada we’re blessed with a pretty good chain store called Fabricland so I get most of my fabric there, otherwise I thrift items to upcycle.

    4. Search for deadstock sellers near you. Deadstock fabrics can be very high quality to a reduced price.

    5. Stone Mountain and Daughter in Berkeley.

    6. Local family owned fabric stores

    7. Hart’s Fabric, Stonemountain and Daughters, and… following because I am looking for more!

    8. Blackbird, Core Fabrics, LA Finch, Stonemountain and Daughters, Minerva, Mood, The Fabric Store, Tessuti, Fabrics-Store and Linen Lab Korea for linen, Lyrical Fabrics, Blue Moon, Kokka, Fabric Wholesale Direct, Fabrics-Fabrics, Prime Fabrics . . . the list goes on and on. I have a problem.

       1. love all of these, and also Miss Matatabi for Japanese fabrics. Merchant & Mills for when I want to pretend to be a chic English cottage-dweller.

       2. Thanks! I’m not getting any more work done today now lol.

          (FYI: I’m not avoiding local, we have mostly quilt shops (where I’ve spent plenty!) but not really apparel fabric)

    9. look on resale.queenofraw.com

       1. There went my lunch time clicking at my desk :)

    10. Pendleton wool sells fabric, and their seconds are very reasonable. woolenmill.store

        1. My sister visited their outlet store in person and bought some beautiful pieces! It’s on my bucket list.

    11. My local fabric store!

11. Anyone watching the Columbia hearings? Fashion observations:
    – woman in black dress suit sitting behind speakers: sheer black hose (not tights)
    – woman in purple dress suit sitting behind speakers: her pleated jacket is great. Any guesses? Kobi Halperin?
    – for the poster last week with the serious Zoom meeting: President Shafik’s outfit, jewelry, hair, makeup reads “gravely serious” to me.

    1. Columbia hearings? My mind went to the space shuttle.

       1. The University

       2. I pictured a hearing about drug cartels…

          1. Oooooh, if Javier Pena is there, I’m in.

12. Anyone have any IRL experiences they can share about later in life fibroids? I had an MRI for another uterine issue and the tech found fibroids. I used a fertility specialist to get pregnant (PCOS) and she never found any evidence of fibroids (and I did ALLLLL the tests) so I’m guessing this is a new issue.
    I’ve got an appointment with a PA at my OBGyn but I can’t take hormones so her previous response to period issues was to basically throw her hands up and pawn me off on an endocrinologist.

    1. They run in my family. Heavy bleeding leading to anemia, many D&Cs, eventually hysterectomies and/or ablations. It can make you look pregnant and IIRC they are hormone-sensitive, so they may be new if you are 30s/early 40s. IDK how but I escaped it but was fully prepared to spend my 40s bleeding through level-5 pads daily.

    2. Not personally but all my friends who had them got hysterectomies- late 40s/early 50s and have never been happier.

    3. Following. My cousin for years bled heavily and the doctors apparently couldn’t tell her why. In the most recent bout she felt so bad that she had to be brought to the ER and they said it’s fibroids. Did a biopsy, not cancer, sent her home. I’m not sure if there’s any more follow ups afterward but it seems crazy to me that she’s been suffering this long. Is there anything they can prescribe for it? Is this where you advocate for removal of the uterus?

    4. Not sure I would consider early 40s “later in life” but for me it was definitely beyond the point where I had any desire to become pregnant again. I spent most of my 30s dealing with increasingly obnoxious periods that lasted longer, cramped worse, started producing deeply debilitating back pain, etc., and finally was diagnosed with fibroids via MRI at age 40. Also could not take hormonal BC due to unrelated contraindications. Got a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries so no early menopause) within a few months and have no regrets at all over a year later.

       1. OP – I’ve had my period since I was 11, so this developing after 30+ years of periods is ‘later in life’ for me. It was especially surprising because I had alllll the tests/scans when I was trying to get pregnant ~14 years ago so this was a bit of a shock.

          1. Gently, bodies change and it really shouldn’t come as a shock that tests performed 14 years ago on parts that are known to be especially dynamic are not indicative of their current status. Any time you are experiencing new symptoms you really should seek fresh information rather than relying on such an old snapshot in time.

    5. I had tons of fibroids and some were large enough that if removed, I wouldn’t have had a uterus anyway. So I had a hysterectomy at 41, and it was the best freaking decision ever. I truly had lost sight of how much I was physically putting up with. I look back at pictures of myself that were taken in the months leading up to my surgery, and I just … didn’t look well.

    6. My sister had a fibroid during her last pregnancy (age 39) that was the same size as the baby until late pregnancy! They grew together. After the pregnancy she had to have uterine ablation. Baby is fine. But they kept a close eye on it because the pregnancy hormones were really making it grow quickly.

    7. If you’re having symptoms related to your fibroids (heavy menses, low back pain, frequent urination, or feeling like you can’t completely empty your bowels) and you don’t want a hysterectomy, you could look into a uterine fibroid embolization. It’s a minimally invasive, outpatient procedure that restricts blood supply to the fibroids so they shrink. It’s done by interventional radiologists.

    8. Sounds as though you aren’t having heavy bleeding. I have fibroids and did nothing. I had some heavy bleeding during menopause but got through it and they have been a nonissue. They biopsied my uterine lining to make sure the slight thickening was not cancer. All was well and I am happy I left ‘em alone.

13. What do you do if you hit a parked car in a parking lot?

    1. Leave a note! Is there any question?

       1. Y’all have paper around? I do not.

          1. I keep a little pad of paper and a pen in my car. In a pinch use a napkin.

             1. I used the back of an extra coffee shop punch card once.

             2. I have paper and pen in my car for this reason, and to write notes for people in my neighborhood who park like dcks (parking in the yellow near corners, so you can’t possibly see around them when you’re at an intersection).

       2. I did this once and after I had left the note and was taking pictures, the owner came out of the restaurant and started screaming at me that how dare I think I was going to leave, it was her car and I’d just have to wait until she was ready to go home for the night, leaving a note is unacceptable, what the *** was I thinking, etc. I was extremely apologetic and conciliatory but I was starting to feel that I was in real physical danger until her brother calmed her down. I’m just glad the note was already on her windshield. Ever since then I’ve wondered if there’s actually a significant amount of people who think you should just stay with the car indefinitely.

          1. No. She only thought that because it was hee car and you were present for her to berate. This is my least favorite kind of person.

    2. You should leave a note.
       I’d say it’s probably less than 50% of people who do so based on the scratches/dings/dents/side swipes I found on my car when I lived in the city and street parked regularly but it sucked every time so please don’t be that person.

    3. Leave a note AND take pictures of your car and that car, so if the person is squirrelly, you have a record. And if you don’t go through insurance, you can get hosed if the other person is a bad person. If you go through your insurance, your rates will go up but they may defend you if the person is shady at all. Most people won’t be bad people but a % will be and you need to protect yourself. You just want them to go to a legit body shop and fix what may just be cosmetic and send you the bill or let you pay directly (insist on seeing the bill).

       1. Yes take pictures of car and license plate and leave a note. If you have time, call your insurance right there and then to file for a claim number to include in the note. If not, then they can call your insurance for that info later.

       2. Your rate doesn’t necessarily go up. I hit a parked car causing fairly significant damage and immediately opened a claim with my insurance – my rate didn’t go up at all. I use Amica.

    4. Wait 10 minutes to see if the person shows up, then leave a note.

    5. I went to get a piece of paper and when i came back the car was gone. I feel sooo badly.

       1. Is there a contact phone number associated with the parking lot? Does it belong to a store? If the damage was more than incidental, you could call and leave a note with your contact information in case the red Mazda owner from this morning has questions. Otherwise it doesn’t seem like there is much more you can do.

          1. This is good advice, and may prevent you from being accused of doing a hit and run.

             1. uch i hope that doesn’t happen. i ended up parking next to the car and took daughter into her appointment, got a piece of paper and went back out and the car was gone. i did not just drive away. there was no phone number with the parking lot. hopefully i don’t get accused of a hit and run!

             2. I mean, they left first. It’s not like they tried very hard to contact you, either. How much damage was there?

       2. Next time, you can rip a page out of your car manual or whatever other docs get stuffed in your glove compartment.

          1. Not only do cars not come with spares now, most don’t come with a printed-out manual. It’s all in the cloud (until you go to Pisgah and there is no cell service).

    6. Anon, I think you should be fine.

       And the rest of us (well, me, anyway) are going to make sure we have paper and a writing implement in our car from now on. Right?

14. Hi, Hive:

    This may be a heavy lift, but I am hoping someone will indulge me. I am looking for ways to tell my junior associates to do better. My firm is extremely non-confrontational, and generally people do not hear that they are not doing well until they receive their annual evaluations. I cannot wait that long, as I am routinely doing first year work because the actual first years cannot be bothered to do basic stuff like make sure they spelled the client’s name correctly in the “final” draft. If you have scripts for this, I would really appreciate it. TIA!

    1. Huh? “Susan can you stop by this afternoon? Thanks for your work on xyz, I did notice that you misspelled the clients name. I rely on you to be sending drafts that are proofread fully and ready to go. Next time please take an extra bit of time at the end to review your draft. Thanks again for your work on this.”

       Ya just gotta tell them

       1. +1
          love the complement sandwich method.

          1. Ugh, no, please don’t perpetuate disingenuous forced compliment sandwiches. You can be kind without putting lipstick on a pig. If the person is missing typos, just tell them you noticed spelling errors and ask them to re-send it once they are fixed. You don’t need to hand out participation trophies.

          2. is this actually a compliment sandwich? It’s just a friendly thank you at the start and end.

          3. Yeah, pretty much any Management 101 training will say not to do a compliment sandwich. It muddles the message and really undermines trust. A much kinder thing is to thank them for making time to talk, point out what the issue is (be as specific as you can) and why it matters, and then ask them to work together with you on the best ways to make sure it doesn’t keep happening. If necessary, a follow-up check-in should also be created to see how the new program is working.

             The first time someone receives negative feedback should NEVER be in an annual performance evaluation. A good manager tries to address things and provide coaching close to the point in time of error–it’s more likely to be remembered and bad habits are harder to undo the longer they persist..

    2. Omg tell them. It’s not confrontational to tell somebody they made a mistake like that.

    3. Feedback should be continuous and ongoing and never a surprise. If no one hears how they’re doing for a full year, and then finds out they are not meeting expectations, that’s not bad performance, that’s bad management.

    4. This is something to address in the moment. Do you fix typos yourself? Can you instead leave comments in the file instructing them to make the changes and send back to you? If it repeats, you then need to talk to them. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, just let them know the baseline expectation is that they scrub for proper spelling of things spell check won’t catch, make sure formatting is consistently applied throughout, whatever things you are finding. If something new crops up, tell them to add it to their list of checks to complete before sending to you.

    5. I think you need to do 3 things.

       First is give feedback in the moment (eg when they send you the offending draft explain the errors and why it’s a problem). Ask them if they need suggestions to help fix (eg my firm had proofreading software no one knew about; I always made sure to tell juniors struggling with proofing about it).

       Second is noting patterns periodically (eg checking in every few weeks to let them know what they’ve done right at a higher level and what they still need to work on at a higher level).

       Third is impose consequences. If they send you a draft with the client’s name misspelled, make them fix it on a rush basis. Don’t do it yourself. They need to be the ones fixing the errors – if you do the work for them they won’t learn. Consequences can even include pulling them from the matter for bigger mistakes.

       1. I think this is a good answer! Especially think about resources they may not be aware of/comfortable using that could help them with this stuff. By way of example, when I started my career I had no idea what was available/reasonable to ask from from either my secretary or the word processing department and no one really thought to tell me. My work product got a lot cleaner when I realized I could mark up a draft by hand and send to word processing for typing and formatting. I also think that juniors sometimes don’t know where to find stuff like “how to spell the client’s name” and seniors sometimes forget that things aren’t obvious in the file; to the extent you have tips for stuff like that, share them (especially to the extent you can help them know how much/what kind of searching is “enough” before they should reach out to you or the client for help).

    6. You call them and tell them. “Attention to detail is a primary part of this job. A client paying $400 an hour for you and $1000 an hour for me. They are expecting clean work product as am I. I should not be spending time catching basic errors.”

       1. Oh I also 100% agree with the consequences point above.

    7. If I see a typo in the first ~paragraph, I respond to the associate, “hi associate, I noticed a typo in the first [sentence], please proof read this carefully and then turn it back to me.” I do not identify the typo for them. If they ask, which they should not, I inform them that I’m sure they will see the typo once they proof, and part of learning to proof is finding your own typos.

       1. +100 on asking them to proof, and learn how to if necessary

    8. Back in my day first years were handed a printed draft with notes in red pen on it, and they were then in charge of producing a second, better draft. Even if it may be faster to fix it yourself, it’s really the only way for people to learn. Not sure if that’s possible given your office setup, but if not just tell them. It’s not confrontational, just be like “hey it’s ok to make substantive mistakes sometimes but making a typo in the client’s name should not be happening. Please proofreads drafts more carefully, and feel free to come to me for questions if there’s anything you don’t know how to handle.”

       1. This. I still hand write most of my edits, and will scan them in an send them. Yes, it is more tedious but it really helps people learn (rather than clicking accept all track changes).

    9. The most meaningful speech I got as a young associate is that the partners/senior associates were your “clients.” The work product you hand to them should be your best and final. Find an associate buddy to proof your material before you send it, or at the very least, put it down for a few hours, then pick it up and read it out loud, word for word, before sending. But I was also an associate before, during and after 2009, when law firms needed to cut a ton of people, but also used the mass layoffs to get rid of underperformers. So you were really motivated to listen.

       1. This. I was instructed to always print out (or these days read out loud) my ‘final’ work product. If I want to be truly meticulous I’ll read it with a ruler, word by word, as it truly forces you to catch EVERY error.

          1. Reading it backwards or changing the font helps too!

             1. I also email work to myself, then come back and read it later. Something about the finality of seeing it as an email that was “sent” makes me catch allll the mistakes.

       2. I think I read this in a book that was kind of humorous but also chock full of what were really good suggestions, and it had an entire section on what to do if the partner says something like, “Oh, a rough draft is fine.” The advice was to disregard any such instructions, as anything going to a partner should be suitable for framing. This would have been in the mid-90s, but it is still good advice.

       3. This so much. If you are an associate, the partners are your clients and should get the most perfect work you are capable of producing.

15. We are renovating our daylight basement (living/bedroom) and replacing the faux travertine and awful carpet with luxury vinyl plank flooring. We plan do the walls/ceilings all white to help make the space feel more expansive with its low ceilings. My questions are as follows, feel free to just answer one:
    1) What LVP product do you recommend? LVP for the basement in case of flooding/moisture.
    2) What color flooring do we pick? Only two bedrooms on the main floor of the house have medium-dark hardwood floors, the rest of the house is either carpet or vinyl that we plan to replace. If I were designing a house today with unlimited budget I’d probably select a white oak hardwood floor… but that doesn’t match the main house.
    3) We have to decide if we want to replace the baseboards and door casing. I think I do as they are basic flat and the same width, but I don’t know where to turn to find out what would look nice. Suggestions?

    1. I don’t think you need to match the flooring in the basement with the rest of the house. If your basement is prone to flooding and you are replacing the floors anyway then this would be a good time to put in a drain system, though it won’t be cheap. You can get a quote from a basement waterproofing company.

    2. Is flooding a known issue in your home? If so, you should research LVP thoroughly. It can stand up to spills really well but will hide moisture problems underneath and if it gets submerged for any length of time it will need to be torn out and replaced.

       1. No, not a known issue. That’s good to know.. thank you.

    3. I used coretec lvp I think it was hd xl in ravenwood on a rental apartment and the tenants loved it. No complaints. You probably want a mid toned brown for your project, try to avoid anything that skews gray. Also if your base is the same as your door trim and both are only a few inches, you have door trim as base molding. It’s going to always look bad so I’d replace that with a proper base trim, which should be about 5 inches as least.

       What year is your house? I ask because I had a really generic three inch hardwood patched and refinished in a matte whitewash. It gives an almost white oak vibe, saved money and was less environmentally wasteful than tearing it all out and replacing the floors.

       1. It’s 1962 but we think the basement was done in the 90s. Good thoughts on the other pieces, thanks!

    4. Not LVP but we put this in 2 years ago and love it: https://www.homedepot.com/p/Pergo-Outlast-Northern-Blonde-Maple-12-mm-T-x-5-2-in-W-Waterproof-Laminate-Wood-Flooring-480-9-sqft-pallet-LF000946PLT/311956403

    5. Particularly in basement, where the airflow may not be as good as upstairs, I would look for phthalate-free vinyl.

16. The previous post about hand towels reminded me: can anyone suggest bath mats that have a rubber backing and can be washed frequently without that backing breaking down? I have the Land’s End supima nonskid and they looked nice for about two months but look terrible now after a few years and the rubber backing is peeling off with every wash. This is the main bathroom my boys use and let’s just say I have reasons to need to wash the mats more frequently. They’re also pretty young still and the non-skid element seems important for safety reasons.

    1. Have boys…after much yuck we moved to use a wood mat that has rubber circles on the 4 corners of the bottom.
       Theoretically, they wipe it down after each use…….

    2. It’s mostly the drying that breaks down the rubber backing, not the washing. They’re all going to break down. That’s the nature of the product.

    3. This is one of those things that I have accepted that I feel better if I buy cheaply, wash frequently until they break down, and then buy new. If that’s every 6 months *shrug* because I only spent $10 to $15 on it to begin with.

    4. If this idea is helpful… my mom layers a regular cotton bathmat (the towel-like kind) on top of the fluffy rug kind so that 1) the rug doesn’t have to be washed as often 2) you still get the plush experience under foot and 3) you can take up the towel mat after the shower and still see the pretty fluffy rug for your bathroom decor.

    5. I would buy a mat without backing and use a cut to size mat underneath. The backing will peel off no matter what, but I bet it would last longer if you never put it in the dryer.

17. What shoes are we wearing for dressy-casual occasions now? For example, if I wear dark straight leg jeans and a “going out top” to drinks or dinner with my girlfriends, what do I wear on my feet? Heels feel off, sneakers are too casual, ballet flats or loafers feel like a B+ effort or too business. Not a big sandal fan but maybe that’s the answer?

    I feel like all of my shoes are frumpy or ultra casual or wildly impractical so I need to do some work on my shoe wardrobe…

    1. weather dependent:
       grey suede blundstone boots
       franco sarto square toe mid heel green leather ankle boots (not great for distance walking)
       sanita black patent full clogs
       black patent sandals
       sanita red open back clogs

       1. How do you wear open back clogs (clog mules?)? I have two pairs that are comfortable, but I’ve never figured out what to wear them with. They seemed like a good “in between” option for spring/fall, but I’m stuck. For what it’s worth, I’m in an area that’s cold for much of the year and has unpredictable weather. It’s currently snowing sideways.

          1. I am in your weather too! I wear the open back clogs with regular jeans (sometimes rolled up) or with wide leg capri legnth jeans, in spring sockless, in winter with real wool socks for warmth. If it is snowing/heavy rain I move onto different footwear.

             1. Thank you!

    2. Block heel booties. This time of year if black looks too heavy try olive green, off white, or gray. Sock booties are great with skirts or dresses.

    3. Trendy, chunky loafers
       Nice white sneakers (leather, suede).
       In winter, boots. In summer, sandals.

    4. Dressy pointed toe flats or smoking slipper style. Think Sarah Flint. Or Birdies which I find comfier.

    5. Boots, sandals, or silver ballet flats with a square toe. The Mary Jane/ballet flat hybrids with multiple straps would be current too.

    6. See yesterday’s coffee break shoes. Something kinda like that. Except mine aren’t shiny.

    7. Sneakers aren’t too casual. Sneakers are everywhere these days.

    8. Agree that sneakers aren’t too casual. Also I love a metallic. These followed me around Instagram until I bought them — they are super comfortable and I have gotten a lot of compliments on them so far: https://www.qvc.com/qvc.product.A662640.html?colorId=NQ0&sizeId=278&ref=GBA&cm_mmc=GOOGLESHOPPINGFEED-_-GShopping|Generic|accessories+shoes-_-Accshs-_-dc_161239677300_pla-2291046419906__A662640-NQ0-278&cm_mmca1=c&cm_mmca2=161239677300&cm_mmca3=pla-2291046419906&cm_mmca4=A662640-NQ0-278&cm_mmca5=pla_with_promotion&cm_mmca6=17083986920&cm_mmca7=Acquisition&cm_mmca8=Acq&cm_mmca9=CjwKCAjw5v2wBhBrEiwAXDDoJaPvrE3LtBrUE6iZQ_OzGHRHxvwUBoA1hQNp1x8dSXfmXG2FPTLzUBoC13MQAvD_BwE&cm_mmca12=Generic&cm_mmca13=Accshs&cm_mmca14=534-976-1714&CID=GGL-SP-GShopping|Generic|accessories+shoes&e4=ACQ&e5=PLA&e6=ACC&e7=17083986920&e8=CjwKCAjw5v2wBhBrEiwAXDDoJaPvrE3LtBrUE6iZQ_OzGHRHxvwUBoA1hQNp1x8dSXfmXG2FPTLzUBoC13MQAvD_BwE&e9=SRCH&e10=GEN&e11=5349761714&e12=161239677300&e13=pla-2291046419906&e17=A662640-NQ0-278&e24=g&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw5v2wBhBrEiwAXDDoJaPvrE3LtBrUE6iZQ_OzGHRHxvwUBoA1hQNp1x8dSXfmXG2FPTLzUBoC13MQAvD_BwE

18. I don’t think you need to match the flooring in the basement with the rest of the house. If your basement is prone to flooding and you are replacing the floors anyway then this would be a good time to put in a drain system, though it won’t be cheap. You can get a quote from a basement waterproofing company.

    1. Nesting fail, sorry

19. So are pantyhose okay again, but just called tights now? I keep getting ads in my FB feed for “tights” that seem to be nude for you, pantyhose style.

    1. In my mind, tights are opaque (whether nude for you or not) and pantyhose are varying levels of see through.

       1. +1. Nude for you tights to me = figure skater.

    2. I think some people use the term “tights” and hose or pantyhose interchangeably. To me, tights are heavier and more opaque. Hose or pantyhose are much more sheer. I’m an older millennial and have never stopped wearing tights (heavier, opaque black tights) and pantyhose (nude for me sheers) for a number of reasons (I don’t like the look of my bare legs, warmth, and to prevent the dreaded chub rub). I don’t know or care if they are okay again because they have always been okay for me.

       1. In the UK they call them all tights.

       2. I’m a late GenX and while I’m mostly Team Work Trousers these days, I frequently wear tights or hose if I’m wearing a dress. My shins are constantly banged up and chub rub is painful. I’d never insist that someone else wear either, but I like both.

    3. To me they’re different. Tights are much more opaque and thicker than hose. Hose is very thin and sheer. What’s currently in is sheer black tights; they’re still tights because they’re thicker and not as sheer as hose.

       Also, the fleece lined tights that give the appearance of being sheer black tights are very in right now.

    4. I think the British call pantyhose “tights.” Also it seems that companies are calling pantyhose “sheer tights” so they can charge more and to appeal to a generation that does not wear anything called “hose.”

    5. I’ll admit it: I wish pantyhose would come back. They keep you warm plus make your legs look better.

20. We throw away a lot of food scraps and I would like to start composting them to use in our garden. How should I get started? One of those electric composters like Lomi seem convenient, but I heard they are loud and smelly and take up space. Should I get a compost canister for our counter? A tumbler composter for our backyard? A dome over the ground with a window to toss scraps into?

    1. I’d start small — a countertop composter. Once you have that, you’ll be able to tell if you need something bigger in the backyard.

       1. You actually compost on your countertop? I can’t imagine the flies and gnats.

          I have a scrap bowl on my countertop that I take out daily or more often – fortunately we have curbside composting. But more than a day, or even back when I used a food scrap container with lid to try to minimize trips to take it out, the flying insects were insane.

    2. If you don’t have pests that will eat it (raccoons), you can literally just throw it in a pile in your back yard. I have some fencing to contain mine but I went super simple on my set up.

    3. Check to see if you have a community composting company in your area. We use one and love it. We receive compost back from them once a year. They can also compost meat and dairy which is great. We keep a large metal bowl on the counter for scraps and empty into the bin when full. Never had an issues with smell.

    4. We have a Vitamix composter but it smells weird so it lives in the garage.

    5. I really like this tumbler composter: https://www.gardeners.com/buy/hot-frog-rolling-compost-bin-37-gallon/8598961.html

       Just make sure you get a good balance of kitchen (no meat, cheese, bread, products designed for commercial composting) and yard scraps and turn it often.

    6. If you go with a company and have weekly pick up (or drop off), I recommend putting a bin in your freezer and putting all your scraps in there. They won’t smell! I use one of those big tupperware containers meant for flour or cereal.

    7. We have two Tumbler composters for the backyard. We meal prep on the weekend with lots of veggie ends, etc. I don’t want something big on my counter, and you don’t really want it near your house. They are a bit messy, especially if you get too green and too little brown, you’ll get drips. Also, even with high volume, it doesn’t make that much compost.

       1. Not making that much compost sounds like a feature not a bug! All that waste turning into a neat little bundle.

    8. I collect kitchen scraps in a 5gallon Home Depot bucket that I keep in the back yard. When full, I dump that bucket into the big leaf pile in the back corner of my yard, and cover it up with the leaves.

    9. I have a countertop compost bin with a charcoal filtered lid. You can buy a basic outdoor composter that you can spin off most major retailers, including Home Depot, etc. There are also a lot of tutorials to take a plastic trash can to make one as well. It’s a lot cheaper but more labor intensive. It does take time to get good compost

    10. Since you have a garden, I assume this means you have outdoor yard space. Literally just pick an out of the way corner to dump your scraps and ignore them. Repeat this until they break down into compost. If the pile attracts wildlife you can buy a purpose-made container, or literally just an outdoor trash bin with holes drilled in it for airflow and drainage.

        Don’t plan to compost indoors or let your scraps build up for too long before taking them out. They smell, attract bugs and rodents, and make a mess if spilled. At our house, we usually just gather any compostable scraps on a plate on the counter until after dinner, then take them out as we are doing the dishes each evening.

    11. May I propose a worm bin?

        Before you run screaming in fear, a worm bin will turn your food scraps into compost much faster than a simple compost heap. We keep two in our garage, and I LOVE them. Very easy, low-maintenance, non-smelly, and ultra satisfying. If you want more info, please post in the morning comments and I’ll add more info.

21. I need a lawyer recommendation, but don’t know what kind. My parents contracted with a modular build company, which in turn contracted with a factory. The factory went bankrupt. A massive amount of money was paidand it appears that nothing has been built with it. In CA. Thank you!

    1. I’d start with residential construction attorney

       1. or failing that, this is ultimately a contract interpretation question, so you could also start with a more general real estate or contract attorney and go from there.

    2. I agree with contract attorney suggestion. (Source: I’ve seen modular build company contracts, and they are neither standard construction contracts nor estate contracts.)

       Is the modular build company still in business? If they are not, then contract attorney will know if they need to consult with a bankruptcy attorney.

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