Thursday’s Workwear Report: Seamed V-Neck Sheath Dress
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This dress is such a gorgeous color and perfect for the fall-to-winter transition period. The front seam details are super flattering, and the short sleeves are great for wearing underneath a blazer but do provide a bit of coverage if you need to take the jacket off.
For a slightly less formal look, I’d add a wide belt and a big, cozy cardigan.
The dress is $35, marked down from $70, and it comes in sizes XXS–XL. It's also available in merlot and in what might win the prize for strangest color name I’ve seen this year, “nude sorbet.” Seamed V-Neck Sheath Dress
(Update: it's also available in black with pieced details!)
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
This looks amazing on the model, but with a DD chest, this V goes too low for me. Too bad, I love the color options.
I am not a DD, but I also worry about the V neck. I work in a place where more then 1 man loves to ooogel at at me, and I do not want to give them any more of a chance to see my boobies then I have to. I also consider these short sleeves to be to short — so just like other sleevless dress, wearing this gives dirtbags the ability to try and see my boobies through my armpits.
I wonder if this phemonenon has gotten worse in the last few years? I have always faced the ooogeling issue with men, but lately, with all of the talk of these “incels” out there, I really think it has gotten so much worse. Elizabeth, can you alert the hive as to this newfound “incel” issue? This link I found should be help educate all hivettes, since it is NOT just a NY problem and it leads to violence against us. See below:
“The incel community is composed of socially alienating men mourning their inability to have sexual relationships with women. Incels’ beliefs seem to encourage anti-feminist values that imply women’s time, bodies, and sexual desires should be primarily centered around men. It’s easy to see how that can lead to violence against women on both a small and large scale.”
https://www.dailydot.com/irl/what-is-an-incel/
FOOEY!
Agreed, though it is a hard no for work as it’s too low cut
It’s a beautiful dress! It would work fine on my flat-chested figure in and would be fine accordance with my office’s dress code. But I don’t go to my office anymore… sigh.
The back V is really deep, and Express quality isn’t great, so I would be a little wary of this dress, but for someone who wants a going out dress, $35 sounds like a deal
I would have loved this when I was in my mid-twenties. Now, I wish that Elizabeth and Kat would include similar higher-end items with their Thursday/Friday posts.
Sorry you’re too rich to cope with us commoners
Wanting a dress that’s higher quality than a $35 dress is not indicative of being “rich.”
Whining about a couple days of lower price point clothing is
Lol it’s not a $35 dress. It’s a $70 dress that happens to be on sale. Paying $70 for a dress is nothing to sneeze at.
Are they really ever $70 or is it like Loft, where it’s basically impossible to pay the full price?
I don’t think anyone ever buys anything full price at Express. The $70 price tag is made up. It’s probably more than $35 but definitely less than $70
I’m surprised how many people have no regard for fabric content, but I suppose that makes shopping easy.
+1 I was on board until I saw the price and new it wasn’t going to be good quality. I’m really trying to stop buying middling quality clothes that I’ll wear once and then guiltily get rid of a year later.
I’ve actually never had any longevity issues with Express purchases? The seams hold, and the fabric doesn’t pill. And whether the cut is probably a question of body type. Now I don’t always like the styling, but if I did like a style, I wouldn’t let their price point hold me back.
+1, I wore the same Express shirts over and over at my last job with no problems. The only reason I don’t wear them anymore I because my new job has a far less formal dress code
In my experience they’re cheap fabrics and not really tailored well, so even if they’re lasting a long time I’m not reaching for them in my closet.
I wear the bootcut editor pants constantly, they wear like iron.
I’m wrong, it’s the Barely Boot Columnist. They fit like a glove, which is hard to find, since I’m all torso and no leg.
The very deep back V is a deal breaker for me. Too bad!
Might not work for everyone (suspect it might also hang weirdly on my flat-chested self) but I could see this over a black or white turtleneck.
Does any grown woman actually wear turtlenecks under dresses? I’ve seen this suggested here but never on anyone in any office I have ever worked. That seems like a look that an elementary school girl would come up with.
I do.
Thoughtfulness about how the rest of the outfit is styled helps lend a more grown-up look. When I do this, I tend to wear heels (or heeled booties) rather than flats, I avoid tights that might look too juvenile, I wouldn’t wear a headband, etc.
I’ve never worn a turtleneck under a dress, but I have on occasion worn a tank top under one in order to cover my chest area. I got a nice dress from Ann Taylor that had a low neckline and the tank top fixed the issue pretty easily. That said, it really depends on the cut of the dress and how it’s supposed to lie against your body.
I’ve seen people wear them and look good but I personally look like a kindergarten teacher . I don’t have the right vibe or something to make it work.
I think it can look great with contrasting colors, like here: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/184718022202947636/
I think this higher-neck dress is easier for workwear, and it’s also $35. There’s a handful of sweater dresses in the $35-$45 range, too.
https://www.express.com/clothing/women/cap-sleeve-v-back-sheath-dress/pro/07804896/color/Pitch%20Black/e/regular/
Oh I also really like this mockneck dress – not for work, but maybe for going out or a stylish cold-weather wedding. God I miss doing things.
https://www.express.com/clothing/women/vegan-leather-two-tone-mock-neck-dress/pro/07805231/color/Pitch%20Black/e/regular/
I like that a lot better, thanks for the link!
Not wearing a dress because WFH life — but gorgeous pick!
And in any event, I’m grateful for the hidden zipper!
Anyone here employed by NYC? I am and my boss is saying that they don’t think De Blasio’s order authorizing city employees to WFH will be extended into 2021 and that they expect everyone back 5 days a week starting on 1/2. Although we are “essential” we’ve been mostly WFH. Some of my job functions cannot be done remotely so I’ve been coming in up to 1-2 times a week as needed (even in April!), and now we generally have 1/3 of the office in on any given day — people who prefer to work in the office are permitted to do so. I’m very apprehensive about this since I was hoping to continue like this through the winter at least. Just curious what you are hearing at your agencies.
My husband is a teacher and works for the DOE, so he’s in a different situation (back at work FT, oy). But I can’t believe that DeBlasio isn’t going to change policy based on whatever is happening with the pandemic–he’s clearly reserved the right to change his mind, and generally at the last second. I don’t think it is worth worrying today about what the situation will be in January as it is impossible to predict. He’s not going to order people back to work if the pandemic is raging.
We’re back but on a rotation. In part because it was getting hard to deal with constantly changing combos of people going in one or two days a week. We’re on three weeks in office, three weeks WFH so that there’s no more than 50% there at anyone time.
They have been generous in approving 100% work from home for various reasons.
I am not sure if this applies, but we are already scheduling on line calls with the judge’s confidential secretary/assistants to move our cases along, even tho actual court hearings have been postponed b/c of the COVID. In WC, we know that no one wants to risk their life heading into court when the parties can talk on-line, and this translates into more settlements, which is better for claimants than insurance companies who are my cleints. My cleints have gotten accustomed to many outright dismissals, so they are not pleased when I must come to them to ask to settle cases where they have to pay money out. The manageing partner tells them that the dockets are not getting any lighter, and blames it all on COVID. Fortunately, I still have plenty of billing time, but I would prefer fine-tuneing my courtroom skills and showing off my wardrobe in the courtroom, but this will have to wait until the courts reopen for our cases. I do not handel criminal cases, and those take must take priority under the constitutional law principal requiring speedy trails.
For the rest of NYC, DiBlasio will hopefully get people back to work as soon as he can. He waited 4 hours to vote so I am sure he is annoyed at the staffing out there. At least he bought a pizza for himself and his freinds while he waited on line to vote.
Finances have been so tight; I’ve lost two thirds of my income with expenses staying the same. One of my clients gave me a generous gift card to Amzn. Problem is, I don’t really need anything from there. I buy my toiletries at Pharmaca, the dog supplies at a pet food store for points, thrift stores for clothing, TJs and similar for groceries. I have a lot of books in my wish list, but the library is keeping me well supplied right now. I don’t really need any more stuff for the sake of stuff. Don’t like scented candles, don’t do gadgets, don’t go to a gym. It’s less than $100.
Should I just hang on to it? Admit I can’t really use it?
You can always use it. For a few weeks or so, just buy your groceries from Amazon instead of your other stores.
Use it for toiletries and household items, socks, underwear, shoes, etc.
You could sell it or trade it for a gift card you could use. Amazon sells literally everything though so I would recommend just ordering your household products from there for a couple of months instead of your usual places. Get your TP, kitty litter if applicable, paper towels, hand soaps, cleaning supplies etc. Also, do you plan on doing Christmas? If so, get your family presents from there.
You can buy non-perishable goods on Amazon, so you could stock up on toilet paper, paper towels, tissues,pasta, canned beans, etc.
Wait until your towels or washcloths need replacing? If you don’t like anything on Amazon, can you pass it along to (or buy a gift for) a less fortunate friend?
Are you planning on gifting around the holidays for family? This could be used for that purpose.
You can use it. Finances are tight so don’t be stubborn for no reason. Does Amazon really not sell anything you buy? Do you not use toilet paper and paper towels? Pantry supplies? Tea or coffee? None of your toiletries? Really?
Or use it all buying things for a food bank. I personally don’t care what you do with it. But sounds like you really need to make use of this Monroe.
Lol money not Monroe
+1. Amazon sells nearly everything. This is essentially free money. You can use it.
I mean technically Amazon already has the money. So you might as well get what you need from it.
Right. Not using the gift card only hurts the OP, it does not hurt Amazon at all. Actually, if she doesn’t use it they get the revenue from selling the card without having to give any goods in exchange, which is more of a benefit to them.
I would use it to buy holiday presents for people, if that’s a thing that you’ll do. Or hold on to it for when you need new underwear or bras.
“the dog supplies at a pet food store for points”
The Amazon gift card means that your dog supplies are functionally free when bought from there, which is more valuable than the points you get at the pet food store.
Yeah, this almost sounds kind of AAM-ish where people receive gift cards from their workplace and just can’t figure out how to use them. This is a no-brainer. This is free money. This isn’t like you received a gift card to a store that sells only binoculars or left-handed scissors or Ethiopian wall hangings. Don’t make this unnecessarily complicated.
Yeah people specifically give Amazon gift cards because you can buy whatever you want, from electronics to household supplies to books or movies to whatever.
+1 just use the gift card
As someone in the same boat, I have been using the random credits and points I have to buy household essentials like toiletries and food.
I avoid Amazon unless I can’t find an item anywhere else but I wouldn’t turn down free money. Buy non-perishables like paper towels, pasta, toilet paper, hand sanitizer etc.
Right — Food Lion isn’t my preferred grocery store, but I’d drive across town to it if I had a gift card and esp. if $ was tight. $ is fungible, so if I’m not spending my $, but gift card $, that is a win.
Can you use it to pay for groceries from Whole Foods? There’s got to be something there you’d like if you already shop at TJs.
+1 the only reason I still have Amazon Prime is for the Whole Foods delivery…it has changed my life. I don’t know if it works without Prime though.
It would be EXTREMELY rude to the tell client you can’t use it as if you expect him/her/their company to fund a second gift card at the place of your choice. As many commenters below have suggested, you can buy grocery items from Amazon until the gift card runs out. Alternatively, you could swap or swell the gift card, but you might lose some of the value depending on the platform.
Either way, I sincerely hope that your financial situation looks up soon!!
Amazon also sells gift cards for groceries and restaurants. Safeway, Raley’s, Olive Garden, Panera, etc. So you might be able to “exchange” the Amazon card for one you can use.
Yes, this is what I always do with the amazon gift cards my parents send me.
Why not just add it to your account and when a need you haven’t budgeted for comes up, you can apply it then? There’s no harm in using it to splurge on a holiday rental or a couple months of Audible.
Could you use it to order groceries from Whole Foods? That’s where my mind goes, since I do place orders for pickup and delivery from there often these days. Others have already mentioned non-perishables like pasta and toilet paper . . . What about movie rentals?
Geez, I feel kinda bulldozed. I am one person, no family, one dog. His favorite treats are from TJs. Thanks for your help.
Haha I think so many people are in disbelief that you don’t immediately have things you “need” b/c many of us do a lot of online shopping, to put it mildly. I think it’s great that you actually have to think about what you would buy, but I’m sure something will eventually come up. :)
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bulldoze you! I don’t have a family either, I live with my boyfriend, and while we definitely don’t get all our things from Amazon (or at least, we try not to), we use enough stuff that’s available on Amazon that we’d find a use for a gift card pretty easily. Even single people buy groceries!
You asked for advice. People gave advice. That is not being bulldozed. Either find something to spend it on or donate it to someone, this isn’t a hard problem.
I would hang on to it. There is something that will come up I’m not a big amazon user, but have bought things like a bathtub mat, dog treats (if I know the brand), other dog things like a harness and a leash. Gift cards don’t expire, so tuck it away somewhere safe and it will be there when you need it. Sorry you are suffering financially.
There is a poster on here that I think worked in Big Law and got COVID early on in the pandemic. Last time she posted, it was months after her diagnosis and she was back to work but still on oxygen. I have been thinking of her and just wondering if we have received an update lately on how she’s doing?
I usually do best when I have a full day to recharge, versus an hour or to here and there. The next few weeks are a busy period for me though and I have a bunch of 12 hour work days and various weekend commitments. Any tips for getting to deep relaxation/self-care when you don’t have any large blocks of free time? Finding 30 minutes here or there most days is doable.
Cancel weekend commitments.
I don’t get this board sometimes. Yes ideally we would all have a well balanced life, but this is also a lawyer-and-other-high-powered-career heavy place, and life is complicated, and sometimes you just have to find balance in a more turbulent situation.
Comments like the one above lead me to believe that there are a number of people here who do not have high-powered, high-responsibility jobs because then they would know that just canceling a weekend work commitment is not an option. We are in our busy season at work and if I don’t work extended hours, or if I bow out of weekend worksessions, I will let my team down, we will likely miss our deadlines, and then I will be out of a job. If others are not in that situation, bully for them, but I like getting paid what I get paid and I like having the leadership responsibilities that I have. Working more hours is the tradeoff.
It is not at all clear from OP’s comment that the weekend commitments are work related and not social engagements. Of course weekend work commitments are no different from week day work commitments in many careers.
Unfortunately I can’t – I’m in a part-time grad program that meets on weekends. It’s just a crunch from here til Thanksgiving. For several reasons, things will be much easier after Thanksgiving.
When I have those times, I use the 30 minutes to make sure I’m taking care of myself so I can keep up. Food prep, exercise, etc. If that is already built in, then I’d recommend a bath or unwinding at the end of the day with whatever makes you happy right before bed. For me that would probably be an episode of a favorite show, face mask, and a favorite snack. When I have weeks like those, the promise of a real recharge at the end of the marathon is often what keeps me going. I’d schedule your full day situation now to have that to look forward to.
I’m not even a morning person, but having a proper breakfast all to myself has made a big difference. You can bother me for 12+ hours after that, but I need my hot tea exactly how I like it and a solid breakfast (toast and eggs, oatmeal) and some time to quietly read a book without screens first.
I second this recommendation
Hell, I want that right now.
My go-to is time outdoors. I know it’s getting colder in many places and therefore difficult to get dressed for a walk, but sometimes that 20min walk is what I need to recharge.
Light a candle you like while you work, slather on some good lotion, put on a comfy robe, and play some soft, soothing music in the background. Order takeout from one of your favorite restaurants. Pick up a fancy drive-thru coffee. Do everything you can to make these stressful conditions more comfortable.
Slightly different advice, but advice I got in grad school was “well, you can do anything for three months.” It sounds unhelpful, but actually it has helped me a lot to realize there are times when I was going to be super busy, but there would be an end as well.
Is there one evening a week that you can block out as “grad school free”? If you have long weekends, maybe Monday evening is a good one to plan to shut your laptop, pick up takeout, take a long shower or bath and indulge in a desert or evening beverage.
Following, as I’m about to start a series of 12-15 hour days/6 days a week
Gross question – what’s your favorite lotion for dry feet? My heels aren’t cracked, but my feet are just generally dry and flaky (sorry, ew). And I know everyone says to put lotion and socks on and sleep like that, but I CANNOT sleep with socks on…so yeah.
I can’t sleep with socks on either, so I put socks on with cream during the day (WFH) and when I went into the office I would do it in the mornings while getting ready. After a rec here, I bought cream with Urea in it. It works quickly and does a great job keeping the foot and heel moisturized!
Can you put lotion on and wear socks during the day (assuming you are WFH?) Or if not WFH in the evening when you get home from work but before going to bed. Even 2-3 hours a day will help a lot. I like O’Keeffe’s.
I do this. Slather O’Keefe’s and then put on socks for the rest of the day. 2x a week makes a huge difference.
I bought O’Keefe’s. I put it on after I shower. Even without wearing socks, my feet looked better almost immediately.
This, O’Keefe’s hands down is the best. But definitely do not use it if you have any open cracks (as in exposed…foot meat) or cuts because O’Keefe’s partially works through hydration and partially works through sloughing off dead skin.
O’Keefe’s Diabetic Foot Cream. I often put it on the morning before I put my socks on. Also, if you’re planning to watch TV or a movie you can put it on then. My heels crack and bleed in the winter and this stuff is a life saver (although obviously not as fun as putting something more nice smelling on).
I like the Soap and Glory AHA footcream, Target is my drugstore source. It’s not super aggressive but it works for me.
Jar of Aveeno cracked skin relief. It’s a miracle worker—I’ve tried a ton of different ones and this is the best by far.
Vaseline Intensive (white tub) then yoga socks.
I hate sleeping with regular socks but occasionally sleeping in yoga socks which leave my toes free doesn’t seem to bother me.
Amlactin lotion works really well for me. Also O’Keefe’s like someone else mentioned
I just don’t think feet or dry skin are gross…
Seriously, no need to apologize for having a body.
YES
The magic ingredient is urea. Anything with urea is awesome.
+1 to urea, all the way
Whichever lotion you use, you’ll probably have best results if you first soak and exfoliate. I like to use one of those scrubby pumice stones at the end of my shower. Then I put on my lotion (I like Amlactin) and socks and wear them around the house during the day.
I LOVE foot masks! There are plenty of cheap and effective brands, but one in my rotation is the $3.99 Holler and Glo foot mask sold at Target. I always feel like I got a (dirt cheap) pedicure after using one :)
I like putting the Burt’s Bees coconut foot ointment on my feet at night, like while I’m watching TV, and then I put socks on top because it’s gooey. By the time I go to bed it has pretty much soaked in.
I should add, my legs are dry so religiously I slather lotion on them as soon as I get out of the shower, and that goes all the way down to and under my heels. So my feet are getting lotion (CeraVe in the tub) in the morning and ointment at night.
Cetaphil and CeraVe both have good thick moisturizing creams (the kind that come in a jar). I apply the Cetaphil cream to my feet and ankles every morning before applying apply Jergens Natural Glow so as to not appear ghostlike and avoid the brown self-tanner spots that seem to always appear on my feet and ankles otherwise. The result is I have a bit of natural-looking color and really soft, moisturized feet. Highly recommend.
Gehwol is a great brand from Germany that covers a range of feet issues and needs. A bunch of retailers carry them – I always have something on hand.
I need some more sweatpants for the next oh….6+ months of WFH. I’m looking for bands like American Giant: high-quality, not fussy about branding. Doesn’t have to be US made, but prefer some level of “local” made so not fast fashion manufacturing. Also looking for fun colors because AG’s are really boring. No price limits. Anyone come across smaller brands recently that they like?
Vuori?
For once, I can help. I got some fancy brand sweatpants in the before times at the Saks outlet. They are “The Two Bird Collection, Lazypants, For Her.” I loved the heck out of those and they worth the high price.
I recently got a steal trying to support some local tourist shops near me. You know when you go on a beach vacation there is the store that sells the branded local goods? I got a pair on sweatpants with the town on the leg and they are the most comfortable I have ever owned. They were something like 60% off since there are no tourists right now. They are from MV Sport which I think is a generic brand so you can probably find some without the town on them.
I also got some joggers from JCrew Factory that were recommended here. So comfy!
JCrew Factory has 60% off Friends and Family right now. So worth a try!
I know some folks on this board like Marine Layer – they have joggers in a fun teal-green color: https://www.marinelayer.com/collections/gals-loungewear/products/sammi-jogger-green-lake?variant=31823654944842
I also like Senita activewear – they have some really pretty colors in their collection. There’s a romper in their Pacific color that I’m kicking myself for not getting before it sold out.
I’m also looking! I want a pair of really thick cosy sweatpants, like the ones the rich kids at my high school were wearing in the late 00s. Uniqlo has some fleece lined ones but, like you, I’d prefer to buy from a more ethical source.
Fair warning – the Uniqlo ones are super cozy but ridiculous sizing. Like ballooning through my (not insubstantial) thighs.
Thick thighs save lives! I won’t be leaving the house in them much so I’m not huuuugely concerned with how they look, in all honesty.
I just got some from Alternative Apparel – personally, was trying to find some that would be a lower rise, since as a short-waisted person I often have to roll the waistband on sweats. They’re having a 40% off sale right now – I just ordered them yesterday, so I can’t speak to their quality yet.
Roots is my go to for nice sweatpants. Not a small brand, although not common in the US as I recall. (I’m canadian.) I tend to prefer the traditional baggy style, but they have all types nowadays.
Definitely Roots. Quality is consistent and good.
Roots makes excellent sweatpants. They’ll last you for years and you’ll want new colours before they start getting visibly old.
I know there are a lot of DC based readers, many of whom are lawyers. Does anyone have a recommendation for a lawyer specialized in landlord-tenant issues? I am a reluctant landlord while my work has me away from home and having tenant issues.
DC proper (i.e. not NoVA or MD? Jurisdiction will matter here.
Sorry, yes, DC proper.
When I lived in DC and had a landlord issue (I was the tenant), I found Jeremy Rachlin quite helpful. He’s in Bethesda but works frequently in DC. Keep in mind that the laws in DC are extremely tenant-friendly. Good luck.
How did you figure out what you wanted your life to look like/what was important to you? I’m in my early 30s and I feel in many ways I’ve always just sort of…gone along with what I thought I “should” do. Due to a variety of life circumstances my life has deviated significantly from my peers and I feel very “behind” for lack of a better word. I’d like to start sorting through what I actually want and am kind of lost. I do have a therapist who is helping with this along with coping with the recent bad things in my life.
Do you have strong feelings on anything? I took a lot of my core beliefs and translated those into lifestyle choices. For me my values are largely unpopular on this site, so I won’t go into them. But they framed which house I bought, my priorities in seeking a life partner, how I chose to structure my career path, etc. I made sure everything alinged with my core values.
I think you just make the best decision you can in the moment. I got married at 27 and first baby at 31. My BFF married at 34 and first baby at 36. Travel is important to me, especially adventurous travel. I still travel lots but sometimes I do have FOMO about not traveling more in my late twenties/early thirties and postponing marriage and kids by a couple years when my friends were still doing more adventurous travel. I’ve never been to South America, Thailand or India and I really wish I had done a few more big longer trips before ‘settling down’.
There’s always a different route your life could have taken so I try to embrace the good about where I am now and accept that I made the best decisions I could have at the time instead of worrying about if I made the right decisions or if something could have been better if I made a different decision.
you might like the designing your life book/work book. i’m in my mid 30s and if it makes you feel any better sometimes i also feel ‘behind’ and i never really sat down to figure out exactly what i want, but overall i guess my life is good so im content for now
I fully believe in the idea of making what feels like the best choice in the moment to achieve happiness, and then continuing to make those choices over and over until you die.
For me, this has meant that certain things in my life look like a series of “mistakes” where I pursue one goal and then decide that is not for me and switch directions. It’s all been pivots – like I thought I wanted to get a PhD in history and really pursued that, only to realize that I couldn’t imagine myself as an academic. I really pursued being a consultant, only to realize that I couldn’t stand the travel. I married a guy because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time and divorced him when it became clear I was wrong. I emigrated to a new country when I couldn’t imagine myself as a working woman in America. I pursued Big Law and changed my mind after summering and am now a diehard public sector lawyer. I tried out so many hobbies before finding the one I now do for 10+ hours/week. I consider myself very happy right now, no real lingering feeling of discontent.
I would never have been able to get to this point without all those detours though.
Paging Peloton and other exercise bike riders!!
I have finally managed to snag a reasonably priced exercise bike which will be delivered next week – I’m thinking I will probably put it on my current yoga mat which is a bit old and grubby looking (it was quite cheap and I’ve used it most days since March) and buy myself a nice new one from Lulu/ Sweaty Betty/etc. Does that sound like a sensible plan??
Also, very keen to hear your recommendations of good Peloton rides – I’ll be using the app on my iPad. I like Broadway and cheesy pop (I did EMKfit’s boy bands workout on Tuesday and it was great fun). I will get myself hand weights at some point but until then it will be cans of tomato soup…
Congrats on the new bike! I’d suggest getting an “exercise mat”, either specifically for spin/cycling or a weight lifting ones. You should be able to find one for under $50. These will be a special non-slip material and will muffle noise/vibrations better than a yoga mat will.
Would also strongly recommend getting a fan (even a mini one that clips to your bike).
No recs on the bike but the Sweaty Betty mats are fab. I’ve been using mine for 5 years and it still looks brand new.
I like Robin Arzon. Cheesy but has been through a lot and is still optimistic. I enjoy her 90s and pop rides.
I don’t use a mat under my bike. Had never heard of that. My (Schwinn) bike doesn’t make noise.
I do the treadmill workouts, and Robin is my favorite, too. Her attitude is the best. I don’t know if he does cycling, but Andy Speer has the best music playlists for the treadmill, imho.
Someone described Christine D’Ercole’s rides as cheap therapy and I agree (her Pink ride is great). I also like Cody’s rides. The Hamilton ride from mid-October is great too.
I could take Cody’s Brittany ride once a week and never get tired of it.
I like pop and enjoy rides from Cody Rigsby and Leanne Hainsby.
For the cheeziest, Cody’s Britney and Backstreet Boys rides are HILARIOUS.
yes, a mat and fan are essentials!
I love Tunde’s rides and Matty’s walk/run/strength workouts. Dennis’ rides are not my favorites but he’s great in the yoga classes. My husband likes Ben Alldis, Sam Yo, and Alex Toussaint
Cody. Any of his XOXO Cody rides (and most of his rides in general) are to die for. Last night I was legit rocking out to “My neck, my back..”. It was amazing.
Definitely Cody, definitely Hamilton, DEFINITELY Greatest Showman
I will be the voice of dissent. While a lot of people love Robin’s and Cody’s rides, they both drive me insane. Ben Aldis and Sam Yo are my favorites because they’re quieter and they both provide hard workouts. Also like some rides by Ally Love (her tabata rides are killer), Leanne Hainsby if I’m in the mood, and Denis Morton. I’m someone who doesn’t need a lot of verbal encouragement (although I love the metrics for encouragement), entertainment, or therapy while I ride.
Oh, and also recommend a mat for under your bike if you’re concerned about sweat on your floors. I bought one from a sporting goods store and it was under $50.
I thorough enjoy Ally Love rides as well. She hits all my motivation points.
My favs are Cody, Tunde, Ben, Sam, and Hannah Frankson. Try the “All for One” rides to get a sense of the different personalities. They’re from 2019 and 2020 July 4th ish. Enjoy!
Cosign on the Denis Morton rec. It’s really subjective: There are instructors who grate on my nerves (never stop talking, don’t ride on the beat, don’t do the whole workout, do weird arm gestures) who are wildly popular with others. I suggest checking out r/pelotoncycle on Reddit for lots of recs. And do invest in a gym mat to protect your floor!
Loves: Alex Touissant’s beginner rides, but I love him overall. Christine’s rides are *glorious*. Hannah Corbin for everything she teaches. Ally Love!
Try every instructor. Really.
See you on the rides. :)
A philosophical question for you Internet strangers this grey morning: What kind of happiness do you feel like you deserve in life?
Context: I have a friend (we are both in our 40s) who is unhappy with her husband. She tells me about how she doesn’t feel connected to him, that he irritates her to the point that she can’t be in the same room as him, and she just doesn’t like him. She says she feels frustrated, resentful, and lonely a lot of the time. I think it’s an incompatible personality thing, and also I think she married him for security and wasn’t all that much in love with him to start with – they are both high earners in the tech field. But they have three kids so she wants to stay together for the kids’ sake (she has said she doesn’t want her kids to ever have a step mother). She of course hasn’t told her husband any of how she feels, mostly because she thinks it will lead to a divorce. She’s always been rather distant and hard to know, so I would believe that her husband just thinks her coldness is part of her moody personality. I’ve been telling her that she needs to go see a therapist either alone or with her husband, but she’s been reluctant. The other day, I was about to say to her that both she and her husband deserve to find partners that make them happy, but then I stopped and thought about it- because i’m not at all certain that I think that is true. And maybe if I tell her that she deserves a partner whom she loves, I’m perpetuating an unhealthy expectation? (For the record, I’m married and while my husband frequently bugs the piss out of me, I am mostly happy with our relationship)
I guess my question to you insightful Internet folks is – what kind of happiness do you feel people deserve? Do you feel like having happiness with a life partner is something people should expect? Or do you even feel like people are entitled to happiness? I mean I know there is that whole “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”thing – but maybe that sets us up to have unrealistic expectations? And does it change with age?
You seem seriously over involved! Everyone deserves happiness in life and with their partner! But if she doesn’t want to push for that, that’s her call she gets to make.
Call me Pollyanna but I think everyone deserves to find a partner who gets them and is their best friend – marital happiness and satisfaction carries over to so much of the rest of your life, regardless of money, career, health, etc., and I imagine marital unhappiness clouds a lot of the other good things in life. I know that not everyone can find it, but I think everyone deserves it because I see how much of a positive impact on my life finding my husband has been. For your friend’s situation, personally, I think kids sense when their parents aren’t happy with each other and are much better off with parents who split who find their own happiness after than just being in a “traditional two parent household.”
A few things:
1 – there is some research that people’s happiness is somewhat bounded.
2 – there is also lots of research that there are things you can do to improve happiness within those bounds. Check out the Yale course on the science of happiness (it’s free)
3 – I think people are generally responsible for their own happiness. Some people I’m convinced are happy to be unhappy for lack of a better description. I’ve slowly cut ties with several of these people – it’s one thing to be a supportive friend for a rough patch but sometimes people really just enjoy complaining. I’m not one of those people and find it very hard to be a good friend to those types of people and it’s emotionally exhausting for me to be.
On 3 I had a friend like this and I finally cut ties. I’m a “fixer” so I was always trying to help her find solutions, when I gradually realized she didn’t want solutions. She liked the attention her troubles brought her, and if anyone else had troubles, she had to tell them how much worse hers were. She visited my son in the hospital when he was 4 and complained about her own troubles (which were not new) when I was worried for my son’s life.
Oh that’s awful, I’m sorry you had a friend do that! Mine are far less dramatic, but I’m also a fixer and don’t have a lot of patience for complaints that are fixable but the person refuses to do anything about. For example, I had to back away from a friendship last year because she would constantly complain about finances but would regularly go out to lunch or coffee (and invite me, and every time I’d decline but offer to eat my packed lunch with her). She’d also regularly complain how I could “afford” things (e.g., theater tickets, weekend getaway) that she couldn’t. I could only listen to the same complaints so many times after sharing how I budgeted to pay for such things and offered to help brainstorm ways she could save, etc. We make approximately the same salary. I realized she didn’t actually want to change her habits, she just wanted to complain! It’d be one thing if she just valued coffee over weekend getaways (no judgment, I love a latte every so often) but I couldn’t listen to one more “oh I’m sooo jealous, I wish I could afford to do that” comment so I slowly stepped back from the relationship since it was just frustrating me every time I saw her.
I think the idea of being constantly happy in every part of your life is what drives some people to deep sadness.
My husband is one of these people that thinks you need a perfect job that you love and pays you buckets of cash, a happy family life, and hobbies. He gets so focused on chasing some new hobby or a fix for what he thinks is lacking that he never stops to notice all the good stuff. Drives me nuts sometimes, but that’s how he views the world.
I’m of the mindset that there generally isn’t room for all that perfection and don’t derive my happiness from everything being perfect all at once. Sometimes my family life is going to suffer because I’m spending more time at the job I love. That’s ok with me. Everything is temporary.
Everyone gets to choose their happiness priorities for themselves. Maybe your friend is content enough in a “not happy” but stable marriage.
“I think the idea of being constantly happy in every part of your life is what drives some people to deep sadness”
So much this.
Look at Buddhist or Stoicism literature. The idea is that life has many parts – happiness and sadness and all the emotions in between are part of life and expecting happiness always is like eating sugary foods all the time. Life is about balance and tasting the umami sometimes and the bitter foods and the salty spicy foods and enjoying the variety and the ride.
I don’t think this is a philosophical happiness question. It’s more about being unhappy in your marriage. I don’t get why someone who just stick with an unhappy marriage without ever trying to improve the situation. I have three kids. Sometimes they drive me batty, sometimes DH does. I’m sure sometimes I drive him crazy but we fundamentally love each other and like hanging out with each other. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather ride out this pandemic with.
That said, three kids and a bad marriage in a pandemic is hard AF. They need counseling. She doesn’t need to say that she can’t stand being in the same room with him but she can say that she doesn’t feel connected and wants to try counseling to try and rebuild the connection.
Pragmatically, my advice to her would be that if she’s staying together “for the kids,” part of that involves going to therapy. Just living in the same house, absent a sincere effort to make the situation better, does not cut it.
I don’t think anyone should be evaluating their happiness during a global pandemic. I have one of the happiest and healthiest relationships I know yet there are days right now where I can’t stand to be in the same room because life just has me grumpy AF and he’s the only person around to take it out on so I just have to back away.
When someone’s mere existence annoys you, it is a you problem, not a them problem and it’s time to check if your hormones are out of whack (mine were because I missed a day of birth control and then spotted for two months), whether you suddenly have depression or if your preexisting depression is acting up (mine was) or some other reason.
Hormone issues definitely can make me hate men categorically!
I’m the anon at 11:06. I know it can be cliche to blame hormones but it is such an important thing to review. I grew up with a very depressed and irrational mom who finally found a doctor that took her menopause seriously and put her on supplemental hormones and she became a different better person practically overnight.
I am not sure, but I think I agree with your second thought here. Many people have made it past times in their marriage when they felt lonely, resentful, or annoyed all the time. And honestly, arranged marriages have led to healthy and happy relationships many times for couples who barely knew each other beforehand, so I’m not convinced that marrying for security is an insurmountable obstacle here. And people are different; I personally would not have married anyone at all if I hadn’t fallen head over heels, and I never had marriage or children as a goal at all, but most the couples I know are more practical. If she went to therapy and worked on being happy in her current situation and still couldn’t connect with her husband, that would say more to me than what I’m hearing now, which almost makes it sound like the marriage is a scapegoat. I would change my whole perspective if I heard that this guy was bad news or treating her badly. But what you’ve reported sounds like a very normal obstacle in any kind of marriage; I have definitely felt this way before temporarily and gotten past it, and it was a “me problem.”
I’ve spent a long time pondering this sort of question. I love my husband of 20 years, but there are several key areas that we can’t get on the same page about. We have kids in the home still, generally get along well, have lots to enjoy in our life together, and are a good enough match in enough areas that staying together is our best option. But, I’ve wondered about what is “standard” or, what is fair to expect. Am I just being greedy? Is my list of desires unrealistically long? Am I just happy being unhappy and would find fault anywhere? Anyone I know well enough to have a real conversation with, and has been married for a number of years, has similar qualms or feelings of being mismatched with their spouse. As I look around, there isn’t someone else I would rather be with. We all have strengths and weaknesses. The adage about what attracted you to your spouse will be what drives you the most nuts about them later is definitely true in my case. I have decided I am just not being realistic, and am expecting him to fill too many buckets. I can fill my own buckets, and I can find friends/hobbies/interests to fill some. And some buckets just go unfilled.
This is so important. Your spouse can’t fill all the buckets. Other friends and family are so important but with the pandemic, the availability of those buckets is so much less that it puts a ton of pressure on the spousal bucket at a time when spouses are feeling the stress of the pandemic as well and less able to pour.
I have to be conscious of being much harder on DH than I am on my mom or sister.
i like this perspective. i don’t know if i really believe in soulmates or that there is one perfect person out there for everyone and that your partner should fill every single aspect of your life. i also think that the person you might choose in your 20s vs. 30s. vs. 40s vs. 50s etc. might be different, but what is important is that if you do make the choice in your 30s, that you are able to grow together and accept one another for the way you change as you age, gain additional life experiences, etc. one thing i also learned from this site was the idea of the ‘price of admission’ – unless you are that rare breed of person who is bothered by nothing, any partner will likely come along with some quality/baggage/attribute or whatever that isn’t your favorite, whether whatever that thing is something you can deal with as the ‘price of admission’ is up to you. something that is an ok ‘price of admission’ to one person, might not be ok to someone else.
Agree. I hate the idea of soulmates, I think it gives people an excuse to be lazy in relationships. Oh something isn’t going well, must not be my soulmate. Real relationships worth having take work.
This forever. Soulmates aren’t found, they’re built.
I think a lot of people stick it out in unhappy marriages for too long because they’re afraid of what being single will look like. Those of us who have finally had way too much and opt for divorce are often surprised at how much happier they are single. It’s a terrible thing to be lonely in your marriage. It’s 100x worse than being lonely alone in my experience.
So you can’t decide what to do for your friend but you are well within the bounds of your friendship to tell her you’d like to see her happy, that you’ll support her whatever she decides, and maybe even that her kids will be fine, because lots and lots of kids go through divorces with their parents and come out just fine.
+1
This was so much my experience — “It’s a terrible thing to be lonely in your marriage.” I’m so much happier on my own, and if I had only realized it earlier, I would have left earlier. My kid is also fine, so far at least.
I’m the Anon that talked about buckets.
I really agree with what you’re saying here. I was able to stop being lonely and stay married in part because I gave myself permission to really be me and go after things I would have if I was single. That meant more education, change in career, vacationing without him, and changing how I spend my free time, not, say, a taking on a lover, which wouldn’t have worked with my marriage. I’m definitely not saying everyone should stay married, or try to stay married. My parents got divorced and were both much happier for it. I believe I’m happier because I took more responsibility for my own happiness and stopped trying to get things from my husband he isn’t equipped to give and shouldn’t be responsible for.
OP here- This is so interesting to me, your being able to have the clarity to find a path. That’s actually quite insightful and inspiring. I think my friend does feel guilty sometimes because she would love to have an affair and she thinks the idea of not being able to is old fashioned. Instead she is throwing herself into her job, her kids, her volunteer work, and basically her husband is just a second income and a co-parent/sperm bank. (I was really thrown when she got pregnant with a third kid after all she said about not liking her husband). I think she is realizing that she has many buckets, and she is unhappy because she wants all her buckets to be full.
I’m not sure it’s a matter of “deserving.” You get what you’re willing to put up with sometimes.
I have such a limited capacity for misery that I never put up with crummy men or crummy jobs for very long. I don’t maintain friendships with people who make me feel bad about myself. I have a great husband and job I really liked pre-covid (and I’m probably not sticking around long now that I hate it) and a very small group of kind friends.
This isn’t bragging; I fail the marshmallow test every time. I’m sure I’d make more money and have more friends if I could tolerate a little more unhappiness sometimes but life is really short, you know?
I don’t think everybody is going to find a partner who makes them happy, because this is the real world and not a fairy tale and some aspects of it are just plain out of our control. And it’s tough when you get into questions of whether people deserve it or are entitled to it. But I don’t think your friend necessarily deserves the situation she’s in, although if she acknowledges the unhappiness but refuses to do anything about it then some of that unhappiness is on her. I think a lot of people, myself included, will say it’s far better to be alone than with somebody who makes you feel lonely. It took therapy for me to get to a place where *I* was capable of being in a happy relationship. It was 100% completely worth it.
It may be her. I have a friend who is objectively more successful than I — more money, bigger house, hubby cooks for her, etc. I am divorced, am less successful financially, even my kids are less exceptional than hers. But you know what, I am happier than she is, and grateful for my life and I adore my funny but kind of ordinary offspring. I think a lot of happiness comes from who you are and how you see the world. I don’t think there is anything you can or should do.
OP here- this is a good insight too. I struggle with the fact that she won’t seek counseling and instead just vents to me. I hate how unhappy she is, but perhaps she is more ok with being miserable with her spouse than she lets on. She is so fortunate in so many other parts of her life – she’s a brilliant intellectual, a pioneer in her field, working on high profile projects, they make a lot of money, live in a beautiful house in aVHCOL area, go on fancy international vacations, etc,- sometimes I feel like her expecting to be also happy in this one area is too much- particularly since in a lot of ways it is her high earning husband that led to all of her good fortune in the first place. So I waffle between telling her to suck it up and count her blessings and telling her that she should be more honest with herself and her husband. Really, I just nod and make sympathetic noises- I don’t want to be an enabler to her misery, but I also am not qualified to steer her to self realization.
Someone talk me out of buying the Athleta Pranayama Wrap (or not!) I’ve been eyeing for a while and Rakuten has a 8% cashback today. Should I wait a little longer for a Black Friday sale/discount?
1/4 of my wardrobe is already Athleta (the rest is primarily Old Navy, Gap, and Uniqlo; very casual when was working at the office) so… *shrugs*
I have two (one black b/c it makes a “suit” with my BR Sloans and the hot pink). They are better than I expected and I feel that they have a nice “Bay Area Therapist sneaking out for a trail walk” vibe.
I have 3 and wear them each 1-2x a week now, so….
Sorry, I can only try to talk you into it. My Pranayama is my favorite cardigan for everything from lounging to non-court Zoom meetings. If you are a popular size (XS, S) I wouldn’t wait for a discount, as these sizes have been sold out or backordered a lot recently.
I think Rakuten will have a better cash back offer the week of Thanksgiving or Cyber week, and same with Athleta doing deals. But the tradeoff is that it might be sold out in the color/size you want. Is it more important for you to get one, or to get a deal? Either way I think you should definitely buy it! I have 2 – 1 in black, 1 in the light color. I’ve been wearing them several times a week in the house as part of my comfy WFH uniform.
The Pranayama Wrap has been my favorite purchase of 2020. Buy one now! And you can also buy one later if you love it?
The Pranayama Wrap is my favorite purchase of 2020.
Follow up – I bought it! Really couldn’t think of a good reason not to and you all convinced me I might as well :)
Under what circumstances would you date someone who had been fired for sexual harassment and what would you want to ask/know?
I met a guy who was fired from a prestigious longtime job in the first wave of MeToo. He told me the detailed story, unprompted: a complaint was brought by a recent ex who was unhappy with him, but his employer investigated and found 3 other women who had issues with his behavior, and fired him. He said these had been consensual relationships over a 10-year period, some of which were initiated by the woman…all professionally junior but not reporting to him. From subsequently reading the news coverage, my take is…they may have seemed like fully consensual wonderful relationships to him, but if you’re dating/flirting across a power differential when you’re a big shot and they are new PhDs trying to get ahead in the field…at bare minimum it’s bad judgment/naivete/extreme absentminded-professor obliviousness, and likely put unwelcome pressure on them.
He didn’t speak angrily or dismissively about the women or blame them. He said he didn’t always make good decisions and would act differently if he could go back but that he did not harass anyone. He’s not an alpha male…he’s very dorky/gentle and has spoken of being a feminist, having close relationships with his sisters, etc. But yikes. I’ve certainly been on the receiving end of behavior like this in my career and it’s gross, if disappointingly common. Won’t share details beyond the firing, but he’s paid a huge personal, financial, and professional price, to a surprising degree relative to the seeming severity of the crime. I suppose reality could be worse than what he shared/what was publicly reported (even though plenty of details were reported)…
I think at minimum I have to ask what he’s learned from this and whether he believes now that there are things wrong with the way he interacted with women in the workplace. I kind of also want to ask if he’s been to therapy after/over this…but I don’t know if it’s my place to ask that. Not sure what else. If not for this…issue, I’d be very into this guy, but I can’t decide if it’s a yellow flag or a red one.
I wouldn’t date him! 4 women have complained to his employer about him! He’s dated 3 junior employees. Nope. Nope. Nope. What’s he even need therapy for? Being a serial harasser isn’t a mental health situation.
+1
I would not date this person. I wouldn’t even friend this person on social media. Too much potential for drama down the line. There are actual news articles detailing his poor judgment.
Definitely don’t date this guy. Red flags all around.
Believe women. I would not date this guy.
Do you believe Tara Reade?
The saying is deliberately not “believe all women” and you know that. In this case it’s pretty easy to believe the four women with accusations against this dude.
These are only the women who actually spoke up! A pattern of this lasting 10 years? Don’t waste your time trying to be the one who understands and fixes him.
Patterns are so important to read and understand. One time, eh, think about it. Multiple incidents, negative.
I feel like this is the crux of the issue. There is a difference between a one-time situation and a pattern of behavior. Adults do not change their patterns of behavior unless they really, really want to and they really, really work on it. And even then the impulse is always going to be to veer back into the pattern. OP, I understand it’s hard but I would say goodbye to this person. All that baggage he’s dragging around will become your baggage by extension, and if he truly does not change his pattern, more baggage will get added to it. Think about being Eliot Spitzer’s wife standing behind him at that press conference. One thing I know for me, in my life: I never want to be the woman “standing by her man” in a press conference or in a courtroom when he’s done something reprehensible.
Dartmouth prof? That’s my guess. No, I wouldn’t date him. I don’t think there’s anything he could say to make me want to truthfully, but I’d also be super turned off by his habit of dating women junior to him, even if they weren’t direct reports!
If it is Dartmouth – it sounds like full on sexual assault, not ‘just’ sexual harassment.
https://int.nyt.com/data/documenthelper/6634-dartmouth-complaint-nov-2018/af4566519bb08e5ada5b/optimized/full.pdf#page=1
I wouldn’t date him. DH is a research scientist. Even in his field which is more female dominated (biology), it is exceptionally rare for someone to be fired in a situation like that. Being moved to different labs or just not renewed on a fellowship etc is much more common, if anything at all is done. I strongly suspect more happened then he is letting on. Nothing you’ve described so far sounds like a firing offence (dating junior women who don’t report to him).
If it’s 5 different women in a ten year period, it seems like he has basically exclusively dated women junior to him in the workplace which is a bit of an icky vibe on the kind of power dynamics he seeks out in a relationship.
Omg no! If you have to interrogate him to get comfortable with the idea of even dating him move on to someone without that kind of baggage.
2 things. 1st is that in my observation the threshold for actually firing someone over this kind of behavior is typically very high, even if that’s changing. So the likelihood of what you’re hearing being a very rosy version of what happened is high.
Second is that in my experience in situations like this, whatever happened may or may not be the result of predatory or otherwise entitled male behavior and sometimes it’s hard to tell and other times I’m pretty sure it’s not that. STILL, though, in those cases I find those people to be severely lacking in the judgment department. Multiple relationships with junior women smacks of poor judgment.
He may be a perfectly nice guy who just doesn’t get stuff and made poor decisions. Still, poor judgment is a deal breaker for me in terms of relationships. On a side note, I am genuine friends with many unsavory characters and I’m unlikely to run the other way or “cancel” someone even when they’re kind of …..awful if we have a genuine connection. That’s fine for friends who aren’t very close to me, not at all ok when I’m bringing someone closer into my life like a romantic partner.
I think this is how I feel about some of this. Academia in particular is a strange world, and I could tell a lot of stories. Many stories are about predators, but in other situations I am not convinced that was the dynamic. I personally think some of the men who lack judgment may have relevant social deficits, but the level of naivete is its own issue. (I remember thinking about this after reading the story of the Harvard law school paternity suite scam; Bruce Hay is definitely not an anomaly.)
I should clarify that I know absolutely no stories that led to anyone being fired, so that raises enormous red flags for me.
100 percent agree. I’ve heard lots of stories but I know of no firings.
Same.
Ugh- schrodingers autist again? “But im sure he was just trying to be friendly!” Is so far from a defense given how hard it is to be fired for sexual harassment.
AMEN
My view on dating: you’re looking for a partner, not running a charity. Four women had enough of a problem with him that he was fired from his job and he seems to think this is… all a big misunderstanding?
Are you bored and too happy? Because he sounds like a project that you’ll spend a ton of time and effort on but eventually fail at.
I’m sure he told the other women that he was dorky/gentle and a feminist, but he used his power to pressure them into a relationship and then more pressure to stay quiet afterwards until a formal investigation. All he’s learned is to tell his spin on the story first because it is easily searchable. These are all the red flags of a master manipulator (they’re always the nicest, kindest ones, at first) and you’re already showing signs of being susceptible to his manipulations. Sorry, but this doesn’t end well for you.
HELL to the NO!
So I’m going to frame this within my own context. I’m a government employee and on occasion either female colleagues or myself end up stuck in an elevator with a senator or some other official. They almost always make flirty banter and tbh my female colleagues and I reciprocate because these men have the power to crush our careers and we’re genuinely afraid of the power differential. If any one of them were to ask us out the answer would be yes because again they could ruin our lives. These interactions to the men would probably seem consentual, but to the woman who could lose everything they are absolutely not.
to play devil’s advocate for a second – assuming these are unmarried men, how on earth are they supposed to then know what is consensual/what isn’t? a lot of people meet their partners at work, and assuming someone isn’t a direct boss. i don’t know who these people are, but you don’t think you could say as a response to being asked out,” i’m currently seeing someone” or “I try to keep work separate”?
They’re supposed to know that it’s inappropriate to ask out junior staff members and similarly ranked govt employees. I don’t work at as high a level as the other Anon does – so it’s more like Legislative Assembly members vs Senators but they should still know better than hitting on/asking out junior civil servants. Based on the power dynamics between the political level and the public service – they should know better.
By abiding by general norms regarding age and power? These grown @ss men in their 40s (or older) are flirting with policy analysts in their 20s. These men don’t flirt with age appropriate directors or managers with the political capital to say no, they hit on the women at the very bottom of the org chart for a reason.
They’re elected officials for god’s sake. They KNOW this crap isn’t okay and they do it because they can get away with it. Being married or unmarried has nothing to do with it.
*snort* These devils don’t need your advocacy.
They are supposed to exercise the human judgment we all begin developing when we are 2-3 years old to respect other people’s boundaries and understanding when someone wants to interact with you. You know very well that it’s not a direct asking out that can easily be cut off at the knees with a response like that. It’s often much more subtle/indirect which is why it’s harder to push back on.
A man’s desire to make a romantic overture is not more important than a woman’s interest in and legal right to be free from harassment at work. I am so tired of people pLaYinG dEvILs AdVoCaTe on this and pretending like these two interests are equivalent. One more time: a man’s desire to hit on a woman is not something that we need to protect.
I want to cross stitch your entire last paragraph on a pillow.
Ah yes, the myth of the male bumbler! How could unmarried men not understand that they’re not owed access to all women in their near environment?!? Clearly the solution is for women to be more accomodating and open, since I’m sure he meant well! and how else will they meet women if they can’t date their interns!
(sarcasm)
I’m so sick of being told that sexual harassment is the problem of the victims, especially when the same men are able to treat their male colleagues with respect and understanding of boundaries. Can we please stop pretending that men can’t understand soft nos?
I’d pass. The pattern is what’s so concerning. And don’t think that just because a guy presents as dorky that he’s can’t be a grade-A misogynist. It just comes in so many flavors and colors. Even if he didn’t “mean” to take advantage of his seniority, it has to have crossed his mind. If it didn’t cross his mind, then he’s just dumb af or living under a rock.
FWIW, I had a “consensual relationship” with someone who was my senior but to whom I did not directly report. Yes, I was into our romantic relationship for the sake of it but power dynamic absolutely influenced how I handled our interactions and also how it got started in the first place. I look back on it and it just feels so icky. Men in professional fields often know how to avoid crossing the line of harassment but still create situations that are inappropriate or uncomfortable. For example, when he started pushing boundaries with me for things that would have not been appropriate in a colleague relationship (asking to hang out outside of work, putting hands on my shoulders or asking about my romantic life) I didn’t feel comfortable pumping the breaks because I was afraid that *I* could get blamed for “making things awkward” and “misinterpreting things,” and I’d be viewed as a potential “liability” in the org. If he had straight up crossed a line (ie, grabbed my boob) that would be easier to push back against.
Absolutely not!
I definitely would not date him – but I can see how it could be acceptable depending on the actual background.
I am not on the extreme of “believe all women all the time” because women can also be bad people – but MOST of the time women have nothing to gain for reporting se*ual harassment so I do err on the side of believing them.
I’d give the benefit of the doubt if it was a series of consensual relationships gone awry over the course of 10 yrs – especially since PhD students are grown women, usually at least 25 to 30, and he did not have direct power over them. Professional relationships in academia tend to be much more personal than in other professional settings (all friends and acquaintances I know with a PhD describe it like an abusive relationship with their advisors/team – too personal, too emotional, too many internal politics, low management skills) and dating colleagues at the same school is often the only way to meet people, especially in podunkville.
All that said, if he has a habit of dating younger women and spurning them in ways bad enough for them to corroborate sexual harassment, he at best has bad judgement and doesn’t learn from past behavior and at worst is a predator.
Come on, now. You know the answer. You deserve better than this. FOUR women complained about his treatment of them to his employer. He has repeatedly and admittedly dated junior women for 10 years at his employer. This versions of these stories of course paint him in a good/OK light. Even going by his version he’s a jerk.
Red flag. With flashing lights and sirens.
Hard pass.
I only read your first sentence because the answer is NEVER. I mean this gently and with love: you need to go to therapy to examine why you aren’t sure that a potential life partner losing his job because he sexually harassed multiple women is a red flag.
COME ON NOW
Here’s a guy who was fired for sexual misconduct and it’s not just one woman but four who have substantiated it. At what point do you believe women here? You’re twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to justify his behavior with a b1tches be cray kinda thing.
B1tches do not be cray. This guy is a serial harasser. Stop lying to yourself that it will be different for you
cmon. this guy is not a feminist this is a predator
Yeah, not to pile on, but there’s definitely somebody out there who ticks all your boxes and also did not do this.
Right? My thought reading the post was, you cannot tell me this is the very best the OP can do for herself – a guy who has been FIRED for sexually harassing women. There’s just no way. This guy is damaged goods, he belongs in the discard pile of the dating world, and there HAVE to be better options for the OP in terms of nice men she could get involved in an LTR with.
OP, date short guys. Date bald guys. Date overweight guys, date shy guys, date awkward guys. Date guys making $12 an hour. Date guys that are living with their parents. Don’t date a guy who’s been fired for sexual harassment. That is genuinely and truly scraping the bottom of the bottom of the barrel.
As a female scientist, I have just had it with these men! Almost nobody gets fired in academia, so the odds are extremely high that there was really something wrong. The cluelessness is almost as bad as the outright harassment, because it allows men to bully their way through successful careers as they destroy women’s careers and not even have the slightest idea they’ve done anything wrong. Even if it’s just repeatedly dating junior women in consensual relationships, that behavior trivializes the professional relationships between faculty and trainees and I’ve seen so many women driven out of science when things have gone bad afterward or when a student in such a relationship has been favored over one who isn’t. I also question the emotional maturity of someone who will only date someone junior to them.
I don’t believe in the death penalty and if this guy could show he was truly sorry and had really grappled with his mistakes and understood how much damage that kind of behavior does, he deserves to be able to move on at some point, but the bar is really high and he needs to really be worth it. It doesn’t sound like he has or is.
No way! Being a dork isn’t an excuse to harass your coworkers, and also he himself has told you he doesn’t make good decisions. I wouldn’t even give this man the time of day, let alone go on a date with him. If you are thinking about dating him, it is absolutely your place to ask if he’s gone to therapy or otherwise worked on improving himself.
Well OP, judging from 37 responses, I don’t think you are going to get any support on this….please be smart and take a hard pass on this guy
I feel like this is where we hear Ron
Howard’s voice saying, “She dated him anyway.”
Hahaha. This is OP. I’m going to have a conversation with him but it does sound like this is officially a red flag and not a yellow one.
Huge red flag. Like I can’t even explain how incredibly rare it is to be fired for S.H. in academia. It’s like the reverse of winning the lotto. Investigations are rare enough, sanctions are rarer again, firings? Incredibly rare. It’s 100% not just a couple disgruntled exs. A lot of stuff must have gone down with multiple different people over a long period of time. Something that happens continuously for ten years is not accidental, it’s who you are.
Seriously why would you have a conversation? What could he possibly say that would make him dateable?
Have a conversation about “This isn’t going to work.”
1. Men who consider (or call) themselves feminists after being credibly accused of sexual harassment or assault seem to be across the board abusive, manipulative, or both. Back away. Now. Don’t talk about it with him, don’t let him just explain a little bit more, don’t let him pull you in. Go. Now.
2. There are so many red flags here- not just one, but like, every single sentence.
3. He sounds like he’s justifying it but doesn’t want you to fell like he’s justifying it.
4. Seriously, ew. No.
I guess I want to understand whether he knows what he did is wrong. I don’t think it would change the red flagginess of the situation or make it a good idea to date him but I am at least curious if this guy who seems/seemed like a kind, gentle feminist understands it or doesn’t. I really liked him until he told me.
You already had a conversation with him in which he told you his side of the story. After hearing that, you still don’t understand if he knows what he did was wrong. To be blunt, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He doesn’t even think he harassed anyone, despite getting fired for literally that exact thing, in academia no less, which many posters above said is very rare.
Listen to yourself. You said “if you’re dating/flirting across a power differential when you’re a big shot and they are new PhDs trying to get ahead in the field…at bare minimum it’s bad judgment/naivete/extreme absentminded-professor obliviousness, and likely put unwelcome pressure on them.” Why would you want to be with someone who abuses his power to prey on young professional women?
If you meet with him again prepare to be manipulated. I’m sure he’s very good at manipulating women, with over 10 years of experience in that field. In fact, he has already manipulated you.
You said “at a minimum I have to ask what he’s learned from this and whether he believes now that there are things wrong with the way he interacted with women in the workplace.” This is not true. He manipulated you into thinking you owe him more conversations about how this plays out for your relationship. At a minimum you don’t have to do anything at all. You can decide this is a dealbreaker and move on.
You also wrote “I kind of also want to ask if he’s been to therapy after/over this…but I don’t know if it’s my place to ask that.” Why wouldn’t it be your place to ask? This falls squarely in the category of ‘how he has processed his history of sexually assaulting women and the consequences of that behavior.’ Why do you feel like there are things about that you can’t ask him? Because he has already manipulated you into thinking you are overreacting and crossing a line. But it is not crossing a line to protect your safety. Not that you should ask him that question if you decide never to talk to him again, which I’m advocating for.
“I can’t decide if it’s a yellow flag or a red one.” There is some part of you that feels very uncertain about him–that’s why you posted here and can’t decide how big of a deal this is. I encourage you to listen to the uncertain part. What is it saying? Why is it uncertain?
“If not for this…issue, I’d be very into this guy.” In other words, because of this issue, you are not very into this guy. There, fixed it.
Again, if you do meet with him again please be on high alert that he will be as charming and manipulative as ever, and he will say and do all the right things to win you over with his dorky/gentle feminist ways. It’s a facade, he is a manipulator. If you are in a relationship with him you will spend years second-guessing yourself; you will carry that with you even after the relationship ends–he will tear down the part of you that sees his behaviour as a red flag.
NO NO NO
Anonymous, please note that you are getting a rare unanimous all-caps RUN AWAY message from every respondent. Please stay away from him. As another academic, I agree with the folks who’ve observed that it’s very, very hard to get fired in academia (especially if you have prestige/a name), so the fact that this guy was suggests he is absolutely a predator and not just clueless.
I agree with everyone above, and will add a personal anecdote so you’d at least know what to expect.
My ex husband was a professor who cheated on me with one of his students. They’re still together, so I suppose both of them would say that this relationship came about in a completely consensual/non icky way. But here’s what I know from being married to him for 10+ years– He was a person who used his power in a “friendly” and “dorky” way to impress the students and got a huge high from being revered by them. He was unhappy in our marriage partially because I am a grown adult with my own important career and never fawned all over him. It was only after our divorce that I really saw how he used his “dorkiness” and “sweetness” as a way to manipulate me and others. So I would absolutely steer clear of anyone who was fired for sexual harassment for the reasons everyone else articulated, and also because the personality traits underlying the sexual harassment are really bad for a functional relationship.
This is an insightful comment, thanks for sharing your story.
Yeah, I am in an online support group for a medical condition and the admins just had to kick out a prominent member of the group for this exact behavior. He was a sweet, late 40s, non threatening beta male type dude, the kind who had this sort of overly familiar friendly nerd vibe. He was kind of the patriarch of the mostly female group, and come to find out he was grooming and being a predator towards some of the youngest, most vulnerable members of the group. It was Messed Up. He absolutely used his non-threatening persona to be as manipulative as possible.
Run OP. Run.
Here’s the thing about dorky dudes who call themselves feminists: they can still be sexist. I run in a lot of nerdy circles, and creeps are everywhere, and they often claim “oh no I love women, I have a lot of respect for women, I have a mom and a sister and they were definitely strong women, they bossed me around my whole life!” Those are the guys who refuse to believe that they may have some unconscious biases where gender is concerned, nor do are they willing to believe they ever benefit from male privilege or power dynamics with women at work. They claim everyone’e already equal and there’s no need for that work.
So would I date someone who’s been fired for sexual harassment? Probably not, but if I were considering it, I’d need to hear him admit that what he did was wrong and he has no plans to get involved with coworkers again, ever. From what I just read, it looks like he understands he broke the rules and he’s accepted his punishment, but he doesn’t seem to think he did anything *wrong* – and that’s an issue. And even then, sometimes “I know I did something bad, I’m truly sorry, and I’ll never be that guy again” turns into “Ah come on! I’ve paid my debt already, haven’t I?? When is the world gonna stop punishing me?? I just wanna move on and have a normal life! I deserve a second chance, why won’t anyone give me one??”
Honestly, I’ve already dated creeps and misogynists who didn’t already gave a record of that stuff, I’m not interested in dating someone who does.
This is OP and I agree, he understands he broke the rules and accepted his punishment (and did say he would never again get involved with coworkers) but he did not clearly say “what I did was wrong.” He didn’t quite say it WASN’T wrong, either, but I was so shocked when he told the story that I didn’t ask many questions.
Also one thing to say “I won’t get involved with coworkers because it has the possibility to backfire” and another thing to say “It is wrong to get involved with coworkers (at least when I am senior and they are junior) because it creates unwelcome pressure and is creepy/gross.
If he got fired he 100% did not just date junior women. He likely r@ped more than one woman on campus. That’s how hard it is to get fired.
To quote Liz Lemon, “dealbreaker. To quote Jenna Maroney, “shut it down.” Red flags. If he has brought up that he’s a feminist but not whether he’s been in therapy, this is a problem.
My friend, first off, I’d like to give you a great big hug. Dating is hard. Finding the right guy is hard. I recognize in your post the hopefulness (he seems so good otherwise! maybe he is the one? can I ignore this?) and the wishful thinking. I see in your post where you are asking us permission to go ahead and date him because mayyybe he is actually okay? Everyone has baggage, don’t they? Is it possible he is ok? Has he seen the light maybe? Or maybe he was wronged? But in this case, my dear, my heart goes out to you because YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.
Yes, you may wish and hope but deep down you know. I acknowledge this may make you sad but there will be good times and there will be a guy and then maybe The Guy. Just not this one.
My life has begun to involve a lot of backpacking/camping and hiking in the mountains that are a couple of hours west of my city. Not all roads are paved. I currently have a minivan but concerned that it may one day be outmatched (ground clearance was a recent concern), but it is otherwise good for city driving.
Need to hold 4-8 people + gear.
Ideally 4WD/AWD.
Ideally: stick shift (what I had up until minivan)
Other than a used XTerra, what else has stick? I’m OK with something with some age/miles on it.
Some Jeeps and some Subarus come in manual.
Ah, I was going to say a used 4WD xTerra! Never mind the stick shift, it holds five people comfortably and a lot of stuff, is reliable, is comfortable, has high ground clearance, will just about climb a telephone pole in 4WD, and as best I can tell, is nearly indestructible.
I love your description! The camping thing is going to go on for years (not pandemic related, but embracing it especially now and I kind of like it now that I’ve got the gear/packing list figured out), and by then one and then the other kiddo will be driving, so an extra vehicle is coming our way one way or another. And kids are big now — both of mine are the size of adults even though they are not even teens yet.
Ours has been the extra vehicle for nearly a decade, but still gets pretty good use at least weekly because it is just so darned practical and comfortable. It has about 200k miles and is 17 years old. I bought the top end version with leather seats and an exterior Teflon coating and it is still in good shape aesthetically. I have turned down numerous offers for it. It’s my holy grail vehicle and I’m sad they don’t make them anymore. I once found an extraordinary one day sale on a wicker porch furniture set composed of a loveseat, two arm chairs, and a coffee table. It was like a 3D version of Tetris and took me nearly 20 minutes and many tries, but I got the whole thing in the back of the xterra.
A friend has a subaru stick shift and loves it.
I have a minivan and it is the absolute worst for ground clearance. How big are these 4-8 people? all adults? You could get an older model of something like a 4 runner or suburban (they are no longer manual but you can find old ones that are).
If you want something new that is not a jeep, we are considering the new ford bronco. it has a manual transmission. You can’t fit 8 adults in it though- even 5 would be tight. I want a Jeep but my husband refuses to own a Chrysler. You could also look at range rovers (new or used depending on your budget) or an LR4 (you’d have to buy used but I think there are 7 seats jammed in there– hard to get gear in there too though) . My neighbor has an LR4 and a 1992 land cruiser. the LR4 is for “family camping” and the land cruiser is for actual offroading. His wife drives a massive kid-hauler.
Ha! I think we’d be looking at a top box or hitch (have a hitch already with a platform carrier on it) with >4 people + gear.
My worry re Land Rover is that they don’t have a good rep for reliability and I could get it fixed for the cost of an older Tahoe (not stick) or XTerra. They are so pretty though . . .
They’re massive, but my parents Suburban has been a workhorse for soooo many years. It’s hard to comfortably seat more than four adults plus have gear room in anything smaller than that.
Husbands 2019 Tacoma is a manual. Only certain trim packages have it
I have a long-throw lifted Wrangler that fits 4, but the four-door model could fit more. Only caveat is that the undercarriage is prone to rusting out on Wranglers, so when you’re shopping used, either target ones from the SEUS or have the underside carefully inspected.
More than 4 adults + gear is going to have to be a big vehicle or involve trailers/roof racks/etc.
Jeep Gladiator pick-up has stick for some trim levels and the whole bed for cargo.
Favorite freezer meals?
A couple I am close with is struggling financially. The husband was the main breadwinner but his industry is dependent on large groups of people gathering. He was laid off, and based on what I see in my state’s COVID-19 numbers (jaw-droppingly bad) and my state’s approach to the pandemic (no restrictions whatsoever, no contract tracing, no mask mandates in most of the state, etc), he will likely stay unemployed for a long time. They are raising two kids on a preschool teacher salary now. They have said that food helps.
Instead of freezer meals, I’d focus on fresh foods, especially fruits and veg. Fresh produce will be an expensive luxury for them at this point.
Meatloaf is my favorite. There was also a discussion recently (maybe last week or over the weekend?) and people were recommending baked ziti.
This was the baked ziti that was recommended: https://smittenkitchen.com/2015/10/my-old-school-baked-ziti/
I always forget that meatloaf exists, so thanks! I dropped off baked pasta yesterday and it was a hit.
I really enjoyed Ina Garten’s meatloaf recipe if you’re looking for one!
I regularly freeze ‘pasta bakes’ and this is a good one – I sub in spinach or broccoli as the rabe is a bit bitter for my kid:
https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/09/baked-pasta-with-broccoli-rabe-and-sausage/
This is also about as classic as it gets and makes a TON of food – it’s my go to for families who had new babies/getting home from hospital/etc. It’s also very easy to sub out the meat altogether or use mushrooms instead if they’re vegetarian.
https://smittenkitchen.com/2015/10/my-old-school-baked-ziti/
If you think they’d be open to it I would also 100% drop these off with a gift card to a local grocery story in the $25-$50 range, helpful but not over the top. Can you also quietly put the call out among your parent friends for anyone who might be willing to set aside clothing/shoes/winter gear for hand-me-downs for their kids?
Search for “pinch of yum freezer meals”. Lots of good options.
These are amazing!
In the same vein I like these two guides:
https://www.mynameisyeh.com/mynameisyeh/2019/3/baby-meal-prep-guide
https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-stock-a-freezer-23060402
I made their instant pot wild rice soup last night, 10/10!
This is a job for lasagna. Trays of it that they can freeze and eat for multiple meals. Ina Garten’s portobello mushroom lasagna recipe is excellent, and I often add other vegetables like squash and caramelized red onion to make it a veggie lasagna. And then of course, the old red sauce favorite. You can throw in some frozen Rhode bread dough and a bag of salad, and it’s all good.
You are very thoughtful. I like to give Chicken Freezer Burritos because they can pull out as many as they need at once and keep the rest, rather than eating on a casserole for most of a week.
https://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/chicken_freezer_burritos/
Chili is also good and can be frozen in smaller portions.
Depending on your budget can you send them regular veggie shipments? Like a through a local CSA or Misfit foods? You can adjust the size based on family size and budget. If they’re huffy about the gift as extravagant, just tell them you got a deal on a subscription and don’t eat enough fresh food for it not to go bad.
Otherwise, I agree with others that freezable casseroles and pastas are the way to go. Again, if they’re proud people, just make a second batch of what you make yourself/your family on Sundays and take it over (or invite her over for a distanced coffee and send her back with food – as is the southern way).
I am getting them freezer meals to reduce their workload. They are stressed out. I know when I am stressed, having meals I don’t need to plan for or think about help so much.
I would actually give a grocery store gift card in this instance. I think in times of instability, it helps to feel a sense of autonomy and normalcy like food choices, and if he isn’t working then they presumably have more time to cook.
They specifically said that meals help, but I agree that grocery gift cards are generally a good idea.
Probably because meals seem like something your friends can do to take care of you, whereas getting a grocery gift card can feel like begging. That aside, I would bring them meals and slip in a gift card without comment. It can’t hurt to have some grocery money on hand.
This is a good point. I will do this.
+1. This is what I’ve done in similar circumstances (and once had done for me.)
I usually bake something like a frozen lasagna and include a grocery gift card “to cover a salad and bread” when they decide to use the meal. And then I make sure the value of the gift card is much more than the cost of a typical salad/bread so it can also cover a good portion of groceries that week or whenever they decide to use it.
baked ziti, chili, meatballs (they can then just add to pasta).
also- you are a very good friend
We keep several chicken pot pies in the freezer. When I make them, it’s just as much of a pain to make 4 as it is to make one. I cheat and buy the crust. It’s a nice alternative to a pasta-based freezer meal and you still get all your food groups in one dish. I go heavy on the veggies.
In addition to the pasta bakes, soups and chilis are great freezer options. You could also do some proteins (meatballs, slow cooker shredded chicken, etc.) that would be easy to pair with a variety of other sides.
Someone posted on here the pinch of yum freezer meal plan, which I really enjoyed. My favorite were the spinach lasagna, the beef stew, and the lentil soup. I used the exact containers they show. It was so handy when my husband and I were both working full time outside the house and kept us from ordering takeout more than once. I will post the link in a reply.
Refreshing my memory looking at this, we also liked the Moroccan spiced chickpeas and the Hawaiian chicken tacos.
https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals
None of the meals were bad (I made them all!) but I have fussy eaters in my family, so some things like the peanut soup I wouldn’t do again because the fussy ones didn’t eat much of it.
Super late to the game on this comment – but if you can swing it what about a few gift cards to some casual, carry out available restaurants. In an already difficult time, being able to order a pizza or grab some wings on a particularly stressful night would be much appreciated I’m sure.
I’m at a very critical time at work, and my boss constantly looks very stressed out. He probably is! The thing is, he is definitely a micromanager, and we would be happy to take on some of his stress if he was interested in that.
In any case, this makes me hesitant to say things or bring up problems/ potential improvements to him because I don’t want to stress him out more. These are not frivolous things, and would certainly help with the time sensitive matter we’re working on. Should I not bring them up because he’s stressed out, or just bring them up politely and ignore his very visible stress?
I’m not just dumping these problems on him, I’m coming with solutions. But he also wants to come to the solutions himself and doesn’t take others word for it.
I wouldn’t change your behavior because he looks stressed out. It’s not your responsibility to manage someone else’s stress level.
I would aggregate your problems, so your only giving them to him once a day or week (whatever makes sense). You need to tell him, and his apparent stress level is his own problem (as a manager, he really need to work on a lot of things including that). But you can at least present problems in an organized, consolidated way rather coming in with constant dribs and drabs.
When my past bosses have been super stressed, I take extra care to be efficient and direct in my communication with them. So I say bring your solutions to him regardless of stress level, but do so in a way that’s easy for him to digest/respond to.
I’m wondering if you all can help finish an idea for me. I’m a renter, and my two cats are carpet rippers. They have gotten better as they get older, but the reality is that they are fully grown adult cats and still get the urge to do it. They only do it around doorways and in corners. I just moved into a brand new apartment recently, and I’m trying to preserve the condition of this place (I’ve paid enough in damage fees in the past).
Right now, I have scratching posts and blankets covering problem areas to keep them unable to have direct contact with the carpet. I’m thinking of somehow putting a thick fabric down in a semi permanent way. I’ve already tried those vinyl floor coverings, which didn’t work at all. I’m trying to figure out 1) The best thick fabric/material to use, and 2) How to get it down. Heavy duty staples? Thick double sided tape?
Throw rug + removable carpet tape.
What about putting down some inexpensive but sturdy area rugs? As for how to keep them down… well, maybe experiment and see if the area rugs alone are enough to keep the kitties at bay. If they figure out how to lift up the edges or get under them, then explore the staples/tape options.
NOT STAPLES, they can get caught and rip their claws out. Then you have vet bills and damage fees for the puddles of blood.
What about carpet offcuts sat on top?
We have carpet rippers, the key is a carpet which doesn’t have loops. I then just trim the bits they have pulled up and looks fine.
A few days ago, someone asked me for an update and I didn’t see it until later. I’m the poster whose husband had the “you’re my wife and not my girlfriend” revelation.
It is remarkable how much things have improved. My husband is the most sincere person I’ve met, so his discussions with me are more than pretty words. One of the big changes is that he understands that when someone takes shots at me, they are also taking shots at him, and defending me is something that should happen each and every time. It helps that he’s friends with people who are in their 40s and 50s and have been down these roads, and they are very matter-of-fact in their advice to him about navigating marriage.
Having learned the hard way in dating relationships, I’ve never had much patience with people who take shots at my husband or hit on me (which happened as we were dating and then engaged). My husband could not understand why I, for example, ended a friendship of about ten years when the guy kept hitting on me when my husband (then boyfriend) and I were dating. Husband thought it showed that I was prone to arbitrarily kicking people out of my life. Now he gets it.
That was me asking for the update and I’m so happy to hear that this has staying power! Kudos to both of you!
That’s great that things have improved, but who are these people taking shots at you? Are these friends or family? I don’t understand why you would have people like that in your life.
I, too, am super confused by this whole dynamic, from treating her like a girlfriend (still not sure what that means) to the part about people taking shots at you.
I’m the Anon OP.
A few people in his extended family were chronically rude to my husband “back in the day” – treated him like a kid to be picked on, made sexually charged comments to him when he was late teens/early 20s for the purpose of making him uncomfortable, that kind of thing. That abated but did not disappear in later years, but he has many a memory of leaving the room during holidays and reunions to escape the humiliation. This was directed solely at him and not at anyone else.
When we got married, they were even worse to me, e.g., so bad to me at a holiday that we cut the trip very short (we live a few states away and planned on being there for about a week). The rest of his family are lovely and wonderful people; the offenders only do this to us.
My husband’s take on this was that it was something to be mediated: I needed to accept them, grit my teeth, and deal with humiliation. That’s the “girlfriend” approach: you don’t rock too many boats in your family of origin for a girlfriend, because you don’t mess up permanent family ties for a temporary dating situation. (This is not to say that I disagree with people who would die on that hill; it’s just not common or necessary.)
It’s not the same with a spouse. Your priorities change and you have to suck it up and tell your very own family of origin to that treating your spouse with respect is not negotiable. You can spend holidays making your own traditions.
There were a lot of minor things with his friends (and mostly the wider circle of his friend group, think church friends): random criticism of our wedding, disapproval of my choice to keep working after I got pregnant, opinions about how many kids we need to have, all that. I did a reasonably good job of putting on a smile and making some benign comments about “we’ll be doing things a bit differently;” the headache was that my husband didn’t quite understand that he needed to back me up. He also didn’t understand the larger issue: we were being treated like we were kids playing house.
Everyone has an opinion about everything. When my friends questioned choices we made, I kindly and firmly thanked them for caring about us, but told them that our decisions had been made and weren’t up for review. When men hit on me, I kicked them to the curb because there’s no point in having people like that around.
Do you remember when you originally posted? I’ve seen some of the follow ups and I’m really intrigued and wonder if the original situation is similar to mine.
I don’t remember the details of this situation, but you could always post yours if you want to find others/get outside perspectives.
Thanks to those who recommended the Max and Mia travel cardigan at Costco. I’m not a Costco member so I thought I’d have to order it for $39 on amazon, but Costco did let me order it for $26.99. I loved my first so much I bought a second! This is definitely my new fall/winter uniform.
For anyone else curious, I wear a 1x or 16-18w, and the XXL is fine.
I got one, too, and it’s great!
I’m wearing one as well based on recs here! The only downside is that I have long arms so the sleeves are like bracelet length on me. I typically don’t wear long sleeve shirts for that reason but typically sweaters and coats have longer arms. Oh well, I’m gradually stretching out the arms. Something to be aware of!
I am OP here. I’m also tall. My first one in olive has the slightly too short sleeve problem
. My second, in red which is far more of a russet than pictured (which is good) has quite long sleeves. Luck of the draw I guess.
I did not expect it to be so bathrobe-like. Mostly that’s good — soft, good pockets, shawl collar — but I didn’t realize that it would be so loose-fitting below the shoulders. Perfect for Work From Home but on me it’s too unflattering to wear when I go out. Which is never, so that works out well.
I’ve been thinking about ordering one of these. It says hand wash though – has anyone machine washed? I stay away from hand wash items.
I washed it. I didn’t even use delicate. Because I didn’t read the tag about hand-washing. Washed it normally, line dried. Totally fine.
I also got one, liked it so much I ordered a second, and am currently wearing it now.
You guys, I think this cardigan is the new The Skirt.
How appropriate for 2020!!
Has anybody bought a suit from Sumissura? The only reviews I can find are from a few years ago and they’re not great. I’m guessing it’s still too good to be true, but now I’m over here daydreaming about a green tweed suit.
I’ve only seen blogger reviews and the pictures looked not great, to be honest – not a good fit and some weird wrinkling/creasing. Maybe they didn’t measure themselves well but it’s hard to say. I love the idea but not sure it’s great in reality.
I would not recommend. I’ve bought two things there – the first, a simple skirt, was fine. The second, a tailored coat, was terrible. Small data points I know, but I wouldn’t gamble with them on a whole suit.
Help me think through a job opportunity. I currently freelance/do consulting in the industry in which I’ve worked for 20 years. I don’t need benefits and right now have a handful of clients that together add up to 15 hours/week of work. I’m getting bored/itchy and DH’s company just sold and he will likely lose his job (or be driven insane and need to leave) within the next 18 months. Recently, a recruiter reached out about a role, and I called him back. The job itself isn’t a good fit- it’s too junior and too tactical for me, though I could do it in my sleep. I was transparent that the role is too junior and the salary is low for me but commensurate with the role. And…the role is to run a product that has yet to be determined in a market they are considering entering.
I met with the hiring manager as more of a networking kind of conversation–I’ve done a ton of work in the market they are looking to enter and I’ve done a lot of consulting engagements to help companies break into new markets. We had a good conversation and hit it off as peers, with me advising him that the role advertised is super premature and what they really ought to do is have a full out business plan before hiring all permanent employees to develop a business plan. He took that to his boss (c-suite) who now wants to meet with me to discuss a consulting type role–which would be perfect for me in my current life state.
If we all remain interested in each other, my ideal situation would be one where I help this company tire-kick the market they are looking to get into, create a business plan to enter it, and then if we can come to terms on level/package, I would come on board to run the new market, or at least the product/marketing aspects of it. If it’s determined that the market they want to get into won’t have enough opportunity (or they don’t want to invest to get there) as they thought and it would really be more of a side-market, then I could continue on my merry way and they could hire someone more junior to run things.
I’m thinking about framing it as an initial fixed-fee scoped project (market assessment/capabilities assessment), then converting to a retainer type model to create the full business case/plan. At that point we’d have enough info to make some decisions about the team that would be needed to run the new product/market and if it were a good fit for me we could come to terms with what that role would be called/what it would pay. And if not, they could hire whomever they felt they needed. And in the meantime I could assess if this is a company I’d be willing to work full time for– I’ve gotten really spoiled being able to pick and choose my clients and have seen a lot of crazy orgs that I want nothing to do with out there.
I am meeting with the CxO next week and want to have something in my head regarding what an arrangement could look like. Since I basically suggested the whole thing, I want to make sure that I am not coming off as entirely unhinged. Based on my convo with the hiring manager (think: head of marketing), my sense that they picked a random market and started hiring before really having a plan is pretty accurate.
I am also an independent consultant and I think your plan sounds good. You can pitch in a friendly way and hopefully turn it into a longer term engagement for yourself. Are you sure you don’t want to be an employee, though? Sounds like you will soon need benefits (I am paying my own, and yowza!) and if this is a start-up, you might take a chance on some stock/ownership as part of your package?
I had a similar opportunity recently. They were looking for a full time person with my background to impress investors. I only wanted to work part time and retain my current consulting clients – I don’t have steady hours, I just have busy periods and dead periods – but they went in another direction which was kind of a bummer, but I’m also fine with, because to be honest I didn’t believe in their product.
Thanks for the feedback. I don’t need benefits right now- we get them through my husband’s employer and they are very generous. If he were laid off, he’d get a package for at least 6-12 months of benefits. Totally worst case scenario, we could pay out of pocket. Or if things are looking good I’d talk to this company and see if they’d offer me benefits at that point.
I’d prefer to consult until I really feel like there’s a good opportunity in this market with this company. If there isn’t, I’m just an expensive liability and surely won’t be there for long.
I ordered custom Yeti tumblers for my team and I need something fun to stick inside. I’d like something interesting that can be a conversation starter (these are holiday gifts, for a virtual happy hour), but I spent my budget on the tumblers so it can’t be too expensive. Any ideas? I tend to go down rabbit holes on these things. Mixed range, but the people I’m focused (the team building, so to speak) on are mostly 30-40, mixed gender.
Can it be a gift card? I’d be thrilled to get a Yeti with $5 sbux card inside. They can use it in the drive through or re-gift it. Other inexpensive options would be candy, hot cocoa mix, etc.
The last few days on FB, I’ve been seeing hot cocoa bombs shared. I think they’re at Costco.
I love this with the Vietnamese coffee packet – thanks everyone! Maybe a mini bottle of Bailey’s (but not shipping by USPS ;-)).
Pez dispenser in a design that is relevant to your work?
Mini bottles of a local alcohol? (Know your team, of course.)
I like this for a virtual happy hour with a mixer recipe inside specific to the alcohol.
Vietnamese coffee mix packet and fancy hot cocoa packet. I buy the coffee at the local asian grocery store – vinacafe is my favorite brand.
Juice bar certificate?
Tiny Jenga sets from dollar tree
$5 Starbucks gift card
Thanks to everyone who responded to my question yesterday afternoon about the not for profit employee political post on facebook issue.
I ended up talking to her about it. I asked her to either edit the post to take out any reference to her job or add a statement that she was not speaking for the organization and she decided to take it down altogether. She hadn’t even considered some of the factors about not for profits not making political statements, etc. She was very gracious about it and we had a nice conversation.
That’s great! Glad it wasn’t a hot-button issue.
Excellent!
Proud of you and glad it went well!