ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Tie-Waist Dress

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A woman wearing a Vince black tie waist dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This elevated version of a T-shirt dress is making me pine for summer Fridays. Vince is a brand that knows what it’s doing when it comes to basics, and this 100% cotton dress is no exception.

It’s too chilly for me to wear this in the Northeast right now, but I would probably wear it to my business casual office once a week from May through October.

The dress is $195 at Vince and comes in sizes 1X–3X.

This black dress from Kensie is available in straight sizes and is $59.99 on clearance (lucky sizes; many other colorways). It's selling quickly, so another option to check out is this $128 Donna Morgan dress that comes in 2–18.

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

416 Comments

  1. For ladies who work a busy job, how often do you exercise every week?
    I work in finance and I struggle with 3 gym workouts every week. It’s like I want to workout more often, but I’m either too busy or lazy to actually go there and train my muscle.

    1. I signed up for a running coach who has me with ONE rest day a week. I am in big law and have 2 teens who can’t drive yet and a dog. I haven’t exercised like his since high school? Bless her heart for being such an optimist and I hope I don’t get fired as a client. I half ass it a lot but try to something like what she is laying out. But I can run a 12 minute mile without actually sweating (and have no desire to go faster or sweat because I don’t have time to really hose off or need to do my hair when I run at lunch).

      1. No offense but do you have a specific fitness goal? Running 6 days a week sounds very excessive too me. And by doing that you also risk losing too much fat as well.

        1. No — it’s some speed work and two days are just strength. Some are Easy Runs, which I am all about. One is a long run, which is often half walking for me, which I dutifully report.

          1. I’m a slender woman so I mainly focus on muscle and strength. My trainer pushes me to my limit almost everytime. I can barely walk out of the gym after each session.
            He says it’s good for my migraine. I dunno, never feel any difference or improvement to be honest.

        2. Bwahahaha perimenopause says I will not only not lose fat but I will get it in places I didn’t have it in before. Now exercising makes me hungrier. So much hungrier.

          1. Early 50s and I now have yearnings for all the red meat. Was not a big red meat person before. No sweet tooth but OMG bring me all of the hearty savory stews. I’m sure it’s hormonal.

        3. Running six days a week is fairly normal for anyone who is serious about running. I have friends who run 2,000+ miles a year. They leave me and my 1,200 miles a year in the dust.

        5. My husband runs 6 days a week. He’s pretty serious about fitness (he also plays basketball and lifts) but he isn’t a Serious Runner and he doesn’t do competitive races or anything. I don’t think it’s weird if you like running.

    2. I work out once a week with a trainer, for 30 (hard) minutes. I am starting a 2/week running group through a local shoe store in two weeks, that will go through April. I expect I’ll start out walking and then work my way up to a run. (I am a practice group chair and active partner at a law firm, top 20% of earners last year.)

      The best shape I’ve been in while an attorney was when I signed up for 3-day a week boot camp at a local Y at 5:30 am. I worked out for an hour, made it an average of twice a week with my travel, and showered at the office.

      I find that I stand 30 min – 3 hours a day with my standing desk, I choose places a little farther to walk to lunch (about .5-1 mile round trip), and try to keep water and protein filled snacks in my mini fridge. One day a week is more than I did last fall.

    3. Honestly, the only way I’m able to fit this in is by exercising at lunch. Work full-time in high stress job, middle school mom of kid active in sports and youth group. I primarily work from home but am on video several days a week. On those days, the most I can do is a brisk neighborhood walk and some light dumbbell training. On days I don’t have video meetings/obligations, I do Hotworx workouts (which I highly recommend). It helps that the gym is literally 5 minutes from my house so I can do a class and be home and showered in about an hour. When I was working in an office full-time, I had to do it before work and shower and get ready at the gym.

      1. Same here. Busy job + kid, my husband leaves early and the morning is my time with the kid, so there’s no way I can exercise in the morning unless I wake up at dawn, and I’m just not that person. I sometimes exercise in the evening, especially when it’s bright and warm outside, but in the winter I’m just wiped out. So I block off an hour twice a week and go do a class at my local gym. I obviously don’t go if there’s something super urgent happening at work, but I almost always make it at least once a week. If my day allows, on the other days, I’ll do 30 minutes of yoga or a run, but the consistent class booking twice a week has given me a structure that works for me. I know not all jobs allow this, but a lot of people I know work out at lunch and people seem fine with it (my boss is aware).

    4. I work out 4 days a week. Both weekend days, and the two days I wfh. I don’t have time in days I go to the office. I try to exercise any day I wfh, usually 2, occasionally more/less.

      1. This is basically my routine too. I occasionally will do a barre or sculpt society work out one other day after the kids are asleep. I also walk to work on the days I go in to the office, so I get some extra movement on those days too.

    5. Pre-kids, 5-6 days a week. Sometimes that would be a long run, sometimes a 10 minute Pilates video at home. If it’s important to you, you’ll do it. I’m sure you spend ten minutes a day scrolling your phone; re-allocate those ten minutes to fitness! A good workout doesn’t have to be in a gym.

    6. I get up at 3:30 am, I am in the gym, in the lap pool, or on the home treadmill by 4am every day except Wednesdays (rest day), then in the office by 6:30 am. On weekends, I am up by 4:30 and in the gym or the lap pool by 5 am. The only way I have found to exercise nearly daily is to get up crazy early and just get it done before the rest of the world is up.

      2. How do you get enough sleep on this schedule? My kids are not all reliably in bed until 9:30 and I definitely don’t want to be getting only 6 hrs on the regular with the health effects.

        1. Yeah, I’d have to be fast asleep by 7:30 p.m. for this to work. My brain doesn’t function on less than 7-8 hours of sleep.

          1. It’s not just your brain. There’s a really good TED talk on the difference between people who get 6 hrs vs 8 hrs a night. It was eye opening.

      3. Wow that’s early. I don’t even think my gym opens until 5 (I think. I wouldn’t really know, because I am NOT a morning person). What time do you go to sleep?

        1. Head to bed around 8:30 or 9. And I specifically looked for a gym with hours that worked for me.

          2. Yeah, I don’t think that amount of sleep is conducive to good decision-making. Does anyone remember the paper about the “hungry judge effect” on parole decisions?

        2. That may be but I now wake up at 3:30 without an alarm clock and couldn’t go back to sleep if I tried. I have been keeping this schedule for more than 25 years and it hasn’t caught up with me yet.

      5. I’m not sure that’s realistic for this poster. I’m in finance not law, but it’s not unheard of for me to still be working at the time you’re getting up… obviously not frequently; but the type of job she’s describing is probably consistently working until sometime like 11-1 AM.

      6. I admire you from afar. Like, from my bed. I can stay up until 3:30 if I get to sleep to 9:30, but don’t function well at all getting up before 6:00, much less 3:30. I’m pretty jealous of you morning people. I feel like y’all get more done.

      7. I know people who get up that early (or at 4:30-5:00) to go ski touring in the mountains before work. It looks incredible to me.

    7. My schedule has become increasingly erratic. I used to love working out from home. Now, I hate it. Can’t bring myself to do it. So instead of trying to trick myself into liking it, I look for eating 4 different veggies a day, commit to moving my body for 15 minutes a day (brisk walk counts), and working out with a trainer or in a group class once a week.

      1. Same. I do better in the gym, even if it is just 15 minutes. I do better outside. Even taking extra stairs at work is better than nothing.

    8. I don’t. But my close friend is training for an Ironman and she trains or has active rest days like yoga (that would count as a workout to me) 7days a week, typically 1+ hour a day. She doesn’t have kids, but she is a partner in Biglaw and actively trying to find a spouse, so she’s busy with work and dating. Most of the time she works out in the early morning, sometimes she schedules a one hour meeting for herself to work out and she always honors it, and most of her “friend” time is during runs or bike rides.

    9. The only thing that worked for me was getting equipment at home. Nothing crazy- an elliptical and some weights- but it means when I get home and only have 20 mins to fit something in, I can at least do some quick cardio. Something is infinitely better than my previous nothing.

    10. I have 2 kids, pets, elder care responsibilities, and a medium big job at an MBB. My workouts during the week are mostly walking the dog and then my husband and I each have a dedicated night during the week for the gym. I’ll also go on Sunday and fit in ‘snack sized’ daily workouts – 5-10 minutes of body weight/yoga/pilates exercises via Obe or fitness blender. I spent a LOT of time at the gym in my 20s and 30s, my 40s apparently are all about keeping my head above water in a lot of ways and I’m not going to beat myself up about that.

      1. Hey, it sounds like you’re doing great. Something is always better than nothing.

      2. Like the poster at 9:17, i spent lots time f my 20s and 30s in the gym, but the parenthood whirl meant that I did almost no workouts in my 40s. I am here to report that I returned to the gym in my fifties and regained strength and endurance, and I am loving my active life now, in my upper 60s and still in a big job. For those struggling with kids and caregiving, it does end and there is light ahead.

        1. I’m the anon above and thank you both for the kind responses and reminder that life comes in phases and will get easier! It has been a hard few months with my mom having a health crisis and I feel like I’ve been failing on all fronts so these legit made me teary.

        2. Thanks for this! I have a partial rotator cuff tear and can barely do my PT every other day and do absolutely nothing else (3 kids, not driving, FT job). Hoping to get back to it.

      3. This really resonates. I am in my late 30s, kids, big job, and exercise is a very rare treat. However my parents in their 60s/70s are regularly hiking, doing yoga, and have picked up various fitness activities in the last ten years. Sometimes you’re just deep in the weeda but it’s never too late to try something new!

    11. I do an at home program that has short ~30 minute workouts. I realistically probably do it 4 days a week.

    12. The only way I’m able to make it work is to get up at 5:30 and do it before work.

    13. Honestly, I run 3 days a week and I have been trying to add in a strength day for several months, but something about the 3-to-4 day transition is just really hard — there’s always something that comes up.

      1. This is me, too. I can consistently run three mornings a week. Adding that fourth day is so, so hard. I am trying to fit in two days of strength and only stand a chance when I can fit it in during a home gym session on a light work day, but I don’t often have those.

    14. On days I don’t have time for a full workout, I do a 10 minute strength workout on the Peloton app. I don’t have a bike, but find the app worth it for this.

    15. I have a busy job, am in part time grad school intermittently (usually 3-4 8 week terms a year), and am a triathlete /trail half marathoner / soccer player. No kids, no partner (but actively dating), but an active social life.

      There are weeks I don’t work out at all and weeks I workout 6 days a week + an active rest day.

      In an ideal world, I run 3x a week (1-2x on a trail, 1-2x on roads near me), lift 2x a week, and have one day of something “fun” (skiing, tennis, or hiking with a friend). Soccer games sometimes count as my fun activity and sometimes count as a run – depends on my schedule. Usually my city runs are 45 min- an hour and I usually do them with a friend. I try to lift on my two in-office days (at the work gym) but have a small selection of dumbbells at home so I can lift there as needed. I want to incorporate some light yoga but I haven’t gotten to that yet.

      I only bike / swim when training for a triathlon. I don’t do any speed work. If I committed to one discipline I’d be way, way better but I like the variety so I’m a bottom of the pack athlete.

      Most of my hobbies and friends are active. I get friend time on runs, hikes, and at soccer. A typical weekend for my friends and I could involve hiking, paddle boarding, pickleball, a trip to the beach, etc. I’m running a half marathon this spring with 8 friends. My parents and aunts and uncles (60s to mid 70s) are probably fitter than I am. My mom and I are doing a triathlon together this summer. I’m going skiing with my 71 year old aunt next weekend. My 75 year old aunt kicks my butt at tennis.

      My non-active hobbies are pretty limited (reading and basic crafting).

    16. I do something active 6 days a week. It’s a mix of horseback riding, yoga, or an actual workout (usually 1 yoga class at the gym, 3-4 horseback riding, 2-3 HIIT workouts at home, plus walks thrown in a couple of days a week when I WFH on time I would have spent commuting. WFH is a godsend for exercise) . I manage this by not having children. Honest to god, I have no idea how those of you with children and a busy job manage anything.

    17. I WFH 50-75% of the work day and use my Peloton tread w/something I got for it to make it a treadmill desk to walk a lot while I am doing easy work (e.g., emails, notes, etc.) or other household tasks (e.g., grocery orders) and 30 minutes a day of walking the dog. I walk for all calls where I don’t have to speak much/be on camera. So nothing crazy but it allows me to get 15k-ish steps with minimal effort. But strength training/vigorous exercise I just don’t have the time for now.

      1. +1 to moving during calls when you WFH. I must look nutty to my family but they’re used to me marching in place during my calls or while reading emails. My apple watch records it as using an elliptical so I guess it’s enough vigorous movement to be somewhat helpful (and it’s definitely better than nothing!).

    18. 3-4 days a week. My hours are work are extensive but pretty flexible and I’m more likely to need to work late than early so morning or mid-day workouts tend to work best.

      Currently, I aim for two early mornings after daycare drop off (gets me into the office by 9), one lunchtime working during one of my two work from home days, and a weekend workout when the kids are with grandma.

      I could fit in more if I got super early and went to the gym by 6, but my only me-time is in the evening after kids are in bed so I hate to cut into that with the early bed time that would be required.

    19. I have a Peloton and weight set up in my garage. I work out 5-6 days a week, 30-50 minutes per session. mix of weights, bike, and yoga. I try to get up at 5:45 and work out, or most often I work out when my husband takes the kids to school at 7:30. Shower and work by 9 in office.

      I couldn’t do it if I had to go to a second location to work out.

    20. I’m a senior associate at a large law firm and mom of an 11-month-old. I just started working out regularly again. I’m aiming for 30-40 minutes 3x a week. Some weeks I do more, sometimes I do less. I usually plant my son in a playpen with toys and a snack, and I can get 20-30 minutes out of him before he starts whining. I have a Peloton bike and find that working out at home works best for me.

    21. 6am, 4 days a week. It doesn’t work with my schedule except for first thing in the morning. Now that I’m used to it, it’s a great way to jumpstart the day.

    22. I workout at 5 am and am at my home office desk by 7 am. I go to OrangeTheory four weekdays a week and once on the weekend. I also do yoga once a week. I try to get in a bike ride on the weekend and I ride my horse twice a week.

      No, I do not have kids lol

    23. 3-4 runs per week outside in the morning, go to the gym about 2 per week to lift. What works for me is actually blocking off the time on my calendar, so if I’m going to go after work, people see I have a meeting from 530-730, same for longer runs in the morning.

    24. I exercise 6-9 times a week. I could never bring myself to wake up early, so I work out after work. The key for me is that my gyms (yes, I belong to two) are convenient. The first gym is half a mile from work. I have 2 1-hour strength training sessions with a personal trainer per week. I duck out of work and am back in my seat by the end of the hour. I wear Athleta pants, workout top, and a blazer over top which I remove for the workout. I don’t really sweat, so it’s not an issue. On weekdays, I pick up my kids at 7:30 pm, so I take a Pilates class 4-5 times a week at a studio that is between work and pickup. I leave work at 6, take the class at 6:30, and then grab the kids from their dad’s house. In the summer, I add 1-2 long walks on the weekends, depending on whether I have the kids or other plans .

      The other thing that helps me is that I’m divorced and co-parent equally with my ex, so I have more free time. I could not have done this if I were still married.

    25. I am NOT a morning person, so when I had a big job, a husband who frequently traveled, and two young kids, I got used to running 30 mins from 8PM to 8:30PM on a home treadmill after I put the kids to bed. I could still log on at 8;30 if I needed to, and it did wonders for curbing mindless evening drinking or brainless TV watching. The first few weeks were really hard to motivate (but easier than dragging myself out of bed in the morning), but after a few weeks, I craved the run and felt weird if I went straight from kid bedtime to the couch. I also honestly got in really good shape on this schedule without trying that hard. A surprise pregnancy and COVID killed my routine, but I’m trying to get back into it.

    26. 5-7 times a week. I have a couple of things in my favor. First, I wfh so no losing time to commuting. Second, I am in the Mountain time zone but work exclusively with an East Coast team. So, I block off 4 pm-5pm my time for working out. After that, I answer any emails/ put out any fires that came in while I was busy, take a dinner/ kid time break, then log back on after dinner and kids are in bed if needed.

    27. My job is reliably 40 hours a week, but elder care responsibilities and other responsibilities take up significant time. I exercise every single day but it’s not always dramatic. To me, a 30 minute walk counts as exercise. The most fun is when I can get out for a mountain bike ride or something that is actually exciting and enjoyable. I try to do that twice a week typically. I went outside every single day in 2023 and so far in 2024 and I’m proud of it with what I’ve been through.

    28. I try to do about 3 days a week – 2 mornings and 1 night during the week. I will say that what helped me when I couldn’t get to the gym was just doing step videos at home. You can search them on the internet – 5,000 or 3,000. It’s at least movement.

  2. I have a funeral to go to for a family that has historically just done simple graveside services (key point: nothing will be indoors until a lunch for family and out of town people afterwards). I have a black wool sleeved dress that still fits and black pointy flats, but I need black tights in a hurry, and good ones that won’t snag (will get a pair and a spare — this aunt cared about fashion and I have fond memories of Talbots shopping with her when I got my first real office job out of school). Many places are sold out or have moved on to stocking spring items in stores.

    1. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t tell if you are asking for recommendations of where to find tights, but Target and Kohls are my go-tos for tights in a hurry.

        1. Chiming in to agree. I’ve been able to wear mine over multiple seasons without snags, and I’m not particularly gentle with them (i.e. they get machine washed).

    2. I just got some tights from Amaz0n that have been great: “MANZI run resistant control top pantyhose opaque tights.” They’re available for 2 day shipping with Prime.

    4. Ann Taylor has my favorite mall brand tights. If you can get them on Amazon or rush shipped the Spanx reversible tights are my ride or die – they wear like iron.

      1. Agree on the Ann Taylor tights. They are honestly the only thing I really buy there anymore since I find the clothing quality increasingly poor. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you well.

    5. Sorry for your loss. If you happen to be plus sized, Lane Bryant and Torrid still had some on their websites. Lane Bryant had a few in a local store too.

      1. Just a quick plug for the Berkshire brand on Amazon. I’m plus sized and they are literally the best. I’ve had some for years and still fit and look like new— both tights and more sheer.

    6. There were still some at my local TJMaxx a couple weeks ago. If you strike out at Target that may be an option.
      I’m sorry for your loss.

    8. Hue tights are also on Am*zon and very durable and overall nice… I prefer non-control top, but they have both. Get opaque or super opaque.

      1. Hue is usually available at places like Macy’s if you need to go to a physical store. They are quite good.

  3. For ladies who work a busy job, how often do you exercise every week?
    I work in finance and I struggle with 3 gym workouts every week. It’s like I want to workout more often, but I’m too busy/lazy to actually go there and train my muscle.

    1. Not everyone has to be a gym exerciser. Can you get out for three walks a week. That’s a real minimum you need.

    2. Late reply but I do 6 days per week, all at home. I’m in Big Law and if I don’t do it first thing in the morning, it doesn’t happen. I do 4 days of cardio (HIIT training on a treadmill) and 2 days of strength with just dumbbells. Each session just 30-45 minutes. It has made a world of difference to me, and I wouldn’t get near as much in if I had to get to a gym.

  4. Has anyone used bumble bff to make friends in a new city? I downloaded it last week and “matched” with a few ladies but the conversation just feels awkward and then no response. I understand everyone’s busy (I am too) so I don’t take it personally but just curious others’ experiences.

    1. I tried it and gave up. I can’t prove it, but I had multiple instances where I started to suspect it was actually a creepy man behind a profile that looked like a woman. Things like the the types of questions asked, immediately pushing an in-person meet up that sounded very date like rather than two women meeting to chat, etc.

      My friends in Philadelphia however loved it and met a good group of girls that she is still hangs out with regularly 2 years later so YMMV.

    2. I tried but all my conversations and meet ups were awkward and friendships didn’t last. I find being a regular at a workout class or class focused on a hobby are the best way to meet people. It’s so easy to lose touch but when you always go to the same activity it’s easier.

    3. Not in a new city, but I used bumble BFF. Most of the convos went nowhere, but I did make a good connection with one person and then she introduced me to her book club, and I’ve made a lot of friends through that. I think its very hit or miss but it can work. I did find that I have even less to chat with a potential friend than a potential BF, and that we should just meet in person for coffee and figure it out that way.

    4. My best friend found a couple of really good friends through Bumble BFF. She’s the only person I know who has used it, but she was very happy with her experience. She was in Kansas City.

    5. Boston – bff is active here.
      7 years ago I used it to find a few gals, who then morphed into a close-knit group of 6 of us being close friends to date.
      highly recommend, but yes, the chatting function is tough and just texting people doesn’t work. I’m one of the people who pushes to meet up sooner rather than later. I don’t want a text friend. I never suspected it was men chatting me up.

    6. I really tried it in good faith but this was my experience:

      Well meaning 27 year olds who worked in “marketing” and were almost painfully stereotypically “basic” (seemingly, obviously a profile doesn’t show the magnificent kaleidoscope of life) and had moved “here” with their boyfriendddddddd or husbandddddd and dogoooooooo. Bleh. I was in my mid-late 30s and felt like I had nothing in common with these women. The very few options I had ghosted/didn’t reply/didn’t follow up.

    7. A friend used it when she came to ATL. She and I were early friends due to having a mutual acquaintance and then she met some women through Bumble BFF. Most of them fizzled out but now we have one permanent addition and they are indeed BFFs but we all hang sometimes.

  5. Whenever I make a change in my routine that results in less time at home, my husband panics and acts as though our relationship is in crisis. We have been married for over two decades, our kids are grown and moved out, and our relationship has never had external drama. He has a 100% WFH role that very rarely involves direct interaction with others. He is a loving spouse, a good parent, and a great partner on paper.

    I recently signed up for a once per week, after work class for a hobby I enjoy. This means I am home late that one evening. He knows, he says it is great that I am doing something I enjoy, but after the first week he has grown very clingy and complains that I seem distant, don’t spend time with him like I used to, wants to know what is wrong, if I am unhappy in our relationship, etc. etc. He then starts to smother me when we are together, won’t let me focus on anything that isn’t him (be it household paperwork, a book I am trying to read, a yard work task, whatever) but interrupts with any excuse to get me to focus on him. All because I am away from him for 3 hours more per week. For example, we will spend a Saturday morning going for coffee, an hour long hike, run some errands, shop for groceries, then go home. I will sit down with my book and he will immediately jump to asking what I would like to do together because he misses me. I tell him we just JUST did something together and I need a break for some me-time. He will either pout and quiz me about why I am dissatisfied with him and what he can do to make me feel happier, or he will ask when I will be done reading so we can spend time together again. And then he will clock watch the whole time, walking past and chirping “only 20 more minutes!”

    I hate this. It is reliably repeatable behavior that he has engaged in for years and has gotten so much worse since we became empty nesters. I have named the problem to him many times and asked him to seek help, therapy, friendships other than with me, whatever he needs to be better equipped to deal with his feelings and overwhelming desire for constant attention. He refuses and I feel like I am married to a human with worse separation anxiety than any dog I have ever encountered. I find myself dreading going home at the end of the day because I just want to relax after a long day of work but he wants such intense focus from me that I feel like I am drowning. I tell him that his smothering behavior is OTT and I will not engage with nor support it, and he becomes depressed and mopes about what an awful person he must be. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know how to get through to him that this is a huge problem.

    1. Wow. If it were me I would be totally losing my sh!t over this. Does not not have friends or reasons to leave the house ever?

      1. Same here. OP, sounds like this is a very entrenched pattern. Couples counseling is where I’d go next.

    2. DH was like this during the first year of the pandemic when he started WFH and I was still in the office everyday. I got the guys in the neighborhood (through their wives since I am more social with the neighbors than DH is) to stop by and get him when they are going to do something, like pickup basketball in the park, etc. As a result, he has picked up a bunch of hobbies and is now busier than I am. Not sure it will work in your situation but worked out for us.

    3. I was wondering what was happening until I got to your second paragraph where you said it has been going on for YEARS. Get to therapy, now, for yourself. You have GOT to have some skilled help in dealing with this dynamic.

    4. My husband is the same way but not to quite the same degree. I have a relatively high-level hobby that takes me out of the house 3 times a week on average, plus some volunteer responsibilities. The hobby is something I am pretty darn good at, have an impressive undergrad degree in, and used to do semi-professionally, and my husband is proud and supportive of the fact that I’ve gotten back into it with success as an amateur. I am an introvert who needs my space at home. My husband is an extrovert who has no hobbies and doesn’t want one. When I’m home he always wants to be in the same room droning on to me about his job or about politics, both of which I find boring and depressing. My job involves a fair bit of witnessing, thinking, talking, and writing about both politics and actual human suffering, and when I’m not working I want to turn it off and think about interesting, uplifting, and even frivolous things like my hobby, the arts, literature, cooking, etc.

      It’s worst when I travel for work. Unfortunately he just doesn’t know how to connect with our daughter who is the opposite of him in every way, so when I leave for a week he feels incredibly isolated and is extra clingy when I get home.

      I dearly wish my husband would get a hobby so he would have something more interesting to think about and talk about. I talk him into doing kid transport as much as possible so he can chat with the other parents, which helps. He’s also gotten envious of my volunteer group and has come up with an idea to start his own, which will be very good for him.

        1. Same! What could one do professionally and as an amateur, and also have an undergrad degree in? Music? Art?

    5. My husband eased up on his clinginess after reading some web article about “highly sensitive persons” and realizing that not everyone in the world is an extrovert like he is and that my need for space and quiet is an actual legitimate thing. It only worked because he ran across the article himself and it wasn’t something I sent him.

    6. Would getting him a dog help? A big energetic dog that needs 5 miles a day of walking? That’s been a great thing for my husband and me.

      1. Another vote for dog. We recently got a highly energetic puppy and my husband (who is similar to yours but not as bad, thankfully goes to an office and has a very busy job -I felt very much like you did during COVID), who was very much against the dog, is spending an hour a day playing fetch with the dog. And as an introvert, I want to hang out with no one after this dog.

        And my husband is similar to yours, and the things that worked for us is having him be busy and having me set boundaries /be in a different room and telling him what I need to do and how much time I need, so he knows when we will hang out. And having a routine on when we hang out. SO we almost always will eat cook and eat dinner together type thing, have a drink together on Saturdays, etc. So he knows when we hang out and when I need my alone time. Pre-puppy, I was good at having 1-2 family/couple friends over every weekend which also helped.

        And CBT for him. He can do thought records and try to reframe his thinking on why you won’t hang out with him. If therapy isn’t feasible, he can check out some of the David Burns books.

    7. This honestly sounds like the cycle of behavior that emotional abusers display. Does he by chance become the perfect husband when your days revolve around him?
      My money is on: he doesn’t have worse separation anxiety than a dog, he knows what he is doing and is doing it on purpose because it has always given him the control over you that he wants.

      1. I don’t know about this–as the spouse of an extrovert, it sounds to me more like an extrovert starved for social interaction. He needs to gain some self-awareness and seek out that interaction in other places. IME extroverts don’t understand that not everyone is like them, so they blame their introverted spouses for not meeting their needs instead of working to meet their own needs.

        1. I am 9:50 you’re replying to and my H is an extrovert married to an introvert. He has *never* in the 25 years we have been together *ever* behaved like this toward me, even when he is “starved for social interaction”.
          On the other hand, this was classic behavior for my abusive father.

      2. Yeah, imo this goes beyond “husband is an extrovert and OP is an introvert.” This is seriously messed up behaviour.

      3. +1 this sounds like practice for isolating OP from friends + hobbies and getting more controlling. That he’s making his anxiety OP’s problem raises my hackles.

    8. I’m sorry. At first I was going to say that things like errands and coffee runs might not qualify as quality time to your husband and he’s just looking for more of that with you but it seems that with the rest of your description, this problem is much deeper than that. I know you’ve already tried a lot of things but I think all that’s left to try again is therapy and separation on the table.

    9. He sounds very extroverted. Because he WFH, you’re his sole source of social interaction. That isn’t healthy.

      He needs a different role, a hobby, something that gets him interacting with other people regularly.

        1. +1

          Some people just shouldn’t work from home. They need more people interaction.

          Of course he needs a hobby, friends, regular ?walks/exercise out of the house every day, ?a dog, counseling….

      2. This sounds more than an extrovert problem to me. Extroverts aren’t needy and clingy and whiny and emotionally manipulative

        1. Yeah I’m an extrovert and I am nothing like that. I’m not insecurely attached to my husband the way OP’s husband is to her.

    10. I feel this one hard. My husband can be the same way at times, and the only thing that has worked for me is setting some hard boundaries while also discussing it in depth. DH is a self-employed musician mostly involved in composing and recording, which all take place in his home studio. He was playing in bands more pre-pandemic, but hasn’t really shifted back. He has admitted that he loved the lockdown period when it was just the two of us at home all the time. So now that I’m hybrid, he tends to want to talk to me A LOT as soon as I get home from the office. I had to tell him that I needed a half hour to decompress before I could really pay attention, and he’s been good about honoring that.

      Honestly, I think that men’s socialization is culturally so situational – guys become friends with classmates when they’re young and co-workers as they grow up – so when the structure is removed, they struggle to maintain the relationships. DH had a few good friends in our neighborhood who moved away during peak covid, and he hasn’t replaced them. I keep encouraging him to go out and do things with friends, and every time he does, it really helps his mood and makes him less likely to follow me around at home. But we have had to talk about it regularly, it’s not a single discussion that fixes everything.

      1. This is also my husband. He is not so introverted that he doesn’t have friends, but for various reasons, most of his local friends have moved to other areas of town and are 20-30 min away. Most of them (and us) also have small children, so most of DS’s interactions with them are on a Groupchat. He, for some reason, hasn’t seemed to realize that the Groupchat is not a substitute for having real life friends. DS also WFH and has gotten much more introverted since he started doing so– to the point that I’m encouraging him to switch to a hybrid job.

        What has made me more sympathetic (and concerned) is that DS’s parents had a similar dynamic– my FIL was painfully introverted and pretty much just tagged along with MIL everywhere. DS is a lot my outgoing than his father, but I just don’t think he’s had a great model for how to have friends as an adult man.

        1. Similar husband. I’ve done the hand off on him tagging along. We start doing an activity together, then sometimes I am busy and he goes by himself. This works primarily for sports, and we have a very active friend group. My other advice is to encourage him to leave the house at least once a day – even if just for a walk around the neighborhood. Also, we both sent each other back to work during the pandemic. I went back 100-ish percent pretty early on and he is at one day in, four days WFH per week. I am very much a proponent of 100%wfh is only good in very limited circumstances.

    11. wow I am your husband. I feel for my husband because I know it’s difficult. I have two small kids though so I am just so grateful for them because I do love hanging out with them and they’re both like me in the extrovert aspect. following so I can be less annoying.

      1. I hope you mean you’re a less extreme version of the husband. If your spouse has talked to you several times about not wanting to be hounded in this way and you know it’s difficult for him, please stop!

        Sometimes I feel needy and my partner wants some alone or quiet time. I have developed coping mechanisms for this, like doing a meditation on the Calm app, cleaning, reading myself, playing with the dog, watching tv, or finding a friend to do something with. It’s normal and acceptable for people to want alone time, so please respect this.

    12. Do you have a “room of your own”? Like your own office or a guest room or something where you can go, close the door, and get away from him to have some peace.

    13. It sounds to me like he is depressed. Please have him see a counselor and a psychiatrist! Can you guys get involved in a couples activity like a bowling league or ballroom dancing so you have more interaction with others?

      1. I agree it sounds like he needs therapy. My only thing is that it seems like she’s already encouraged that option and he refuses!

    14. It’s really hard to partner with someone who doesn’t leave the house. My husband doesn’t carry on about it but I can tell he’s sad and that makes me sad. Every time I go to an after work function, like a bar association event, he asks if spouses are invited and looks a little deflated when I say no. Honestly I wish I could bring him to one so he would know how boring they are and never ask again!

      I have not had luck with getting him into activities. He wants me to do everything with him and he loses initiative if I’m not doing it. This pattern has happened multiple times: he expresses interest in getting involved in some group, I go with him to a meeting/event once so he meets people (I totally understand it’s intimidating to show up alone to a place full of people who know each other but you know no one), I’ll introduce him/us around and make sure he has contact info for people. But then he wants me to keep going with him and won’t go if I don’t. Or, I’ll “make” him go on his own and he’ll tell me their women’s group is looking for volunteers and everyone wants to meet me. I have my own extracurriculars! And the whole point was to get you out of the house so I can have time to myself! Our friends are also frustratingly/happily egalitarian when it comes to traditionally “guy” things so I can’t even get him out of the house on his own to watch sportsball, go to a whiskey club, skeet shooting, or poker night. The wives all ask why I’m not there and get offended if I beg off too much.

      The only thing I’ve been able to get him to do consistently is to run errands. He usually does them on weekdays though so I had to give up the one errand I prefer to do that must be done on weekends (because I won’t make the list on weekdays) – grocery shopping. It buys me an hour a week to myself. But now I have to deal with too unripe/too ripe avocados, secretly moldy raspberries, and the “wrong” kind of granola.

    15. Would he be open to an in office or hybrid job? I know I get too chatty when I’m wfh without enough social interaction via conferences or personal relationships.

  6. I saw this elsewhere on the internet and thought it would be an interesting discussion here.
    Would you be happy with buying no more than 5 items of clothing per year (excluding underwear and socks)? If you exclude weight fluctuations from the equation, does your answer change?

    1. This is a fashion blog. Shopping is one of my only hobbies (sorry not sorry, demanding job and major caregiving responsibilities that keep me tied to the house).

      1. You can be into fashion without constantly updating your wardrobe. I am happy with my style and always curious what’s out there, but I don’t feel a need to add anything to my wardrobe. I can admire something without the desire to own it. Especially if it doesn’t fit in my lifestyle or I’m shopping to cope with boredom, stress, or other compulsive ways.

        I enjoy the blog, but workwear doesn’t change all that much so it’s not like I can’t find something similar that I own already. It’s a good resource if that is what you need, but honestly the comments rarely reference the clothing shown and I think more people are here for the community than what’s posted.

        1. If I can afford it without stretching my finances, I seriously don’t see the problem? I don’t buy every item I admire (not speaking about the blog itself, but in general), but I buy lots of things that I don’t wear regularly and I enjoy them when I do wear them. Sheesh.

          1. I was reading pbj’s comment not as saying this is necessarily problematic, but just that it’s not an inevitably, that there is more than one way to be into fashion.

          2. I see the problem if you aren’t buying ethically. Have you seen the piles of textile waste choking rivers? Heard of Rana Plaza? Seen inland seas dried up from irrigation for cotton?

      2. I mean, this is a fashion blog but I am 100% here for the comments section and connection with other professional women, not the clothing recommendations.

    2. No. I’m an athlete and wear through items faster than that.

      Five is also a weird number. Three bottoms and two tops?

    3. Nah — we have real seasons and summer is humid, so might need 5 items a day when I get sweaty from taking the dog out.

      1. +1. But then again, most people wouldn’t still be sleeping in a threadbare Old Navy tank they got in 2007.

        1. My favorite tank top is basically see-through at this point. I think it was a 2015 purchase.

        2. That reminds me that many of my pyjamas are literally shredding at the seams and need to be replaced. But they’re so comfy!

    6. Nope. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to buy a few things each season to stay current/refresh your wardrobe. Plus that number doesn’t seem to account for necessary replacements/lifestyle changes. This winter I finally replaced all of my yoga/pj pants from the early 2000’s and bought 3 pairs of work pants due to mid life weight gain.
      I also try to make sure my old clothes are donated when they are in good shape/in style. A friend’s recently graduated daughter took 2 work totes, 2 pairs of MM LaFleur slacks, 2 dresses, and 2 suits that were all a size too small. She was thrilled to not have to buy a ton of work clothes right after graduating and knowing they were going to someone who needed them made it easier for me to cull things.

    9. No. That’s probably way too few given needs to dress for an occasion or something’s specific (like comfortable shoes that haven’t been worn down for a conference ). Things aren’t made all the well anymore either—even things like white t shirts get worn out and stretched pretty quickly. I also like color and often find I have a gap with something to make an outfit, where I probably wouldn’t if I purchased everything in say black.

    11. Yes if we only count new items. But if you count second hand shopping, it’s probably closer to 15 or so.

    13. Yes, I think I would, because I already have a TON of clothes I rarely wear. My 2024 resolutions actually include: buy no more than 2x clothing items per month (so not five or less, but I’ve currently bought zero), wear everything I own once before re-wearing anything (by category), and donate anything I haven’t worn in 2024 at the end of the year.

      1. Yeah I did a huge wardrobe refresh last year when I retired, so I could probably get by easily with buying no more than 5 items this year. Not that I’m going to do it, but I am definitely concentrating on being more purposeful and not buying just to buy.

      1. Oh yeah, I am very hard on certain types of clothing. Like pants. I have a drooly dog and do not get multiple wears out of any pants, so they’re in the laundry all the time. If I could only get 5 new items a year I’d be buying 5 new pairs of pants only.

    15. I think some comments here are conflating BUY 5 things a year with OWN 5 things.

      I’m not interested in policing other people’s clothing consumption. I buy way more than 5 things a year, but have cut back a lot since the pandemic. I don’t need as many clothes since I don’t go into the office much, but sometimes it’s nice to have new things.

      I’m always curious about the women in articles who own only, say, 30 items of clothing. I think they all must live somewhere with a relatively dry, temperate, climate, with a small range of temperatures. Where I live, it’s usually in the 30s-40s in the winter, sometimes a little colder, and 90s+ (and humid!) in the summer, which can last 3-4 months. I think it would be difficult to manage with only 30 pieces of clothing to cover that temperature range. Not to mention laundry – I think these women also have easy access to laundry vs. an apartment dweller who does laundry every other week or so because of having to use communal facilities.

      Related, I also wonder about people who can travel for a week with only carry on luggage. I think the carry ons they use must be larger than I envision, but also, do these people not sweat? I don’t think I could rewear a top more than twice, and I definitely need clean underwear every day!

      1. I wonder the same thing about the carry-on. I can’t rewear a top or even jeans, especially when traveling. I get off the plane and my entire outfit is sweaty and smelly from all the stinky plane passengers and their stinky food.

        1. I’ve done Sunday-Friday in a carry on, it’s much easier in warmer weather and in business class where they don’t mind if you have a bulkier carry on. You also need to do the usual tricks (wear your suit jacket on the plane and ask the flight attendant to hang it up, wear workout clothes on the plane which can become hotel pjs, etc.).

        2. I do a lot of sink laundry if I’m on the road for more than a week. But I’m also not a sweaty person.

      2. You can definitely fit a week’s worth of clothes into a carry on if you’re willing to re-wear pants… though this is easier in the warmer months when you don’t need heavy tops. When I do this in the winter, I do need to be willing to wear the same 2-3 light sweaters (with different shirts underneath), plus I usually wear a puffy vest on the plane and throw that on as an extra layer when I’m cold. You need to be strategic about packing things that pack small, though, and I agree that it gets harder when you’re trying to pack for a range of temperatures and activities, or if you need more formal clothing (jackets and shoes take up a lot of space). It also matters how big you are- my clothes take up considerably less space than my husband’s (he’s a foot taller than me).

      3. I don’t own checkable luggage so I only travel with a carryon, including a 10 day trip to Central Europe in December (so bulky clothes needed) and a 10 day hiking trip to Utah in September.

        For the Europe trip I packed underwear and socks for each day, 3 sweaters, 2 shirts, a few undershirts ti wear under the sweaters, 3 pairs of pants, hat/gloves/scarf, PJs that doubled as hanging out in the hotel clothes, boots and winter coat.

        For the hiking trip I packed hiking socks and underwear for each day, 5 pairs of running shorts, 2 pairs of leggings, 6 workout tanks, 4 sports bras, PJs, a sundress, linen pants, 2 non-workout tops, hiking boots, running shoes, sandals, layers (merino wool long sleeve, packable puffer, wool hat, windbreaker), hiking stuff (water bladder and bottle, backpack, hat, first aid kit). I rinsed / hand washed hiking clothes I needed to rewear. The non-hiking clothes I only wore for a few hours at night so didn’t need to wash. All the hiking clothes pack down very compactly. We picked up food, sunscreen, and bear spray once we were at our destination. We purposely didn’t camp or backpack so we didn’t have as much to fly with.

      4. I also have need more choices when I got a job that was business casual to casual. I used to have suits, sloppy home sweats and a few fun outfits for going out. Now I have to figure out how to look cute and put together every day.

      5. Re the luggage thing:
        My roller suitcase is the maximum size to be a carryon, but I always check it, as I’m happy to let the airline deal with it in transit (or pay for me to go shopping if it is delayed; NB, I’m usually traveling to the EU/UK that has better consumer protection on that front). ANYWAY. That suitcase, very fully packed, has been big enough for me to travel comfortably in Scotland on hiking trips for 2 weeks, every year for a week in Italy for a regular event that includes 3 formal evenings including black tie, and a variety of other trips, both city trips and more resort types. For the hiking/outdoorsy trips, I usually have access to a washing machine, but in general, I can go anywhere for a combination of work/formal/outdoorsy trips with that suitcase– for 7-10 days without any issues. I am a sweaty person and I won’t rewear tops (sweaters/cardigans yes, a cotton button-up or t-shirt next to the body, no).
        I’m not a minimalist — on the Italy trips I change at least twice a day (day and then dinners/formal evening). I take multiple shoes. I take at least 2 pairs of underwear per scheduled day + extra in case of delays (yes, I regularly pack 20+ pairs of undies), because nothing is worse than running out of underwear, and I am NOT washing that in the sink or re-wearing something if I take a mid-afternoon bath/shower or go to a spa. I take ALL my toiletries, which is another reason I always check the bag rather than carry on. And again, this all fits into what is technically a carryon. It’s about 50L capacity.

      6. I used to be able to travel for a week, for work, with just a backpack and my laptop tote. It was a hiking backpack but still a “normal” sized one (22L). I used to wear a lot of dresses since they took up less space and wore pants twice but didn’t rewear anything else. I used the hotel toiletries and just brought a toothbrush and makeup. I could even bring an extra pair of shoes if I put them in a shoe bag and strapped them to my pack.

      7. A week is super simple to pack in a carryon. The easy way of course is with dresses. Otherwise it’s just basically 12 tops/bottoms if you needed unique pieces because you’re wearing 2. Roll everything else. Most people though rewear something like jeans or an outer layer. You can do weeks with that formula assuming you have access to a laundry service which most places have (or running water and soap in a pinch).

    17. No. I buy a lot secondhand and enjoy the hunt. But no, I wouldn’t be happy with that and it’s not just about owning fewer things. I really do get sick of wearing only a handful of things over and over.

    18. Yes that is actually all I bought last year- two sweaters for winter and fall, two jumpsuits for summer and spring, and a pair of jeans. I have a nice capsule wardrobe and I work a hybrid schedule that is fairly light on meetings- having too much stuff stresses me out and no one cares if they see the same outfit on me a few times a month. Also other than two pregnancies my weight hasn’t changed in 15 years so that makes it easy.

    19. I’d up the number to 10…as a stretch goal. I love shopping, fashion, and clothing/shoes/bags. It’s one area that’s reliably provided me with so much joy. However my closet is in great shape and I’m climbing out of pretty serious debt so it does make sense to do low buys, no buys, and intentional buying.

      I think the idea sounds great, like this fantasy that you save up for a $2000 trench that magically makes everything great, a $500 pair of loafers that match everything, the “perfect” cardigan from Jenni Kayne that’s $400 or whatever, some $600 leather skirt and one limited-issue amazing statement piece gown from a small batch designer that’s $800. I mean I WISH that was me.

      The reality is things rip, get stained, don’t fit right, aren’t “me” anymore, feel stale, go out of fashion, and so on. I think that’s part of the reason why small + capsule wardrobes drift towards bland neutral basics so reliably because it’s hard to do a small wardrobe of statement pieces and loud prints. If I could only buy 5 things, it’s not going to be 5 wild kooky items that are both memorable and challenging to style, ya know?

    20. No.
      I enjoy fashion and exploring my style. I buy primarily second hand and probably average 5 new items a month.

    21. Funny enough, that’s pretty much my objective this year. I want to try to buy no more than 2 items per (loosely-defined) season, I.e. winter, spring-summer, fall. I bought a new sweater blazer this week and am enjoying browsing for the perfect second winter item. It’s actually quite nice and feels like a very leisurely way of consuming.

    22. Per year or this year? If you’re buying, say, 2 tops per year indefinitely that means you need to get ~180 wears out of each top. That seems ambitious, even for high quality clothes.

      1. I just love how we put all the responsibility on consumers. I could buy 5 cheap garments or 5 expensive garments, and the way they are made today they will all fall apart and need to be replaced in short order regardless of cost. I just threw out two pairs of very expensive jeans because they developed holes within 6 months of purchase. Manufacturers bear a huge part of the responsibility. We need regulations that force producers to bear the full cost of their manufacturing practices, including the climate costs. They will of course pass these costs on to consumers, but there will be an economic incentive for producers to adopt more sustainable practices because it will lower their costs and make them more competitive in the marketplace.

    24. This is basically where I am at. I can’t fathom how often it seems like some people shop here, and I’m not somebody who doesn’t like fashion!

    27. Yes. I recently retired and my wardrobe needs have changed. I am actively going through everything and donating clothes no longer needed but still in good shape. And having fun putting together new outfits from pieces I already have (and am a fan of The Vivienne Files blog). I travel for a month at a time, at least twice a year, with only a carry-on. So what I might buy is something to fill out / jazz up the contents of the carry-on.

    28. Yes.

      I thought about last year and I bought four new items and two second hand items.

      Storing and organising clothes is a hassle so I wear almost everything regularly (wedding dress excluded!)

  7. Any ideas where I can buy single sheet—a fitted sheet or flat sheet standalone? I have some sets where either the flat or the fitted was torn. I don’t want to throw out the remaining good one and would like to blend into new sets, if only it’s white + whatever pattern the old sheet is. TIA.

    1. Brooklinen sells standalone sheets. I’ve been really happy with their quality over time.

      1. +1. I just did this where fitted sheet tore in a patterned set and purchased white fitted as a replacement . I ordered online for store pickup.

    3. A you blend what you have and buy new sets? Honestly sheets aren’t meant to last forever, a new set feels fantastic and you might regret those single item purchases.

      2. Sheets used to last ages. No new sheets feel better than heirloom sheets that have been washed hundreds of times over decades.

    5. IKEA sells just a fitted or a flat sheet by itself – not sure if theirs will match with what you already have though.

      1. OP here. Thank you all for these suggestions. Did not know Target would have single sheets. I had forgotten about IKEA and didn’t realize about The Container Store. Yes, I do love the feel of my older sheets after hundreds of washings! And some are newer, so I can use them as household rags despite some smaller damage or donate to local animal shelter so it’s not wasted until it’s too far gone to be repurposed.

  8. Has anyone here ever started a business? Not a side hustle, but an actual brick-and-mortar storefront. If it matters, it’s experience-oriented, not a store selling goods. My husband has a vision, a business plan, and has been gathering partners and laying groundwork, but it’s getting to the point where we’ll soon need to rent and fit out a building. Neither of us is quitting our day jobs, and I totally support him and believe this could work, but… I do not have an entrepreneurial bone in my body, and no one in my family or close friend group is a small business owner.

    I guess I’m channeling my inner type A planner and want to feel more prepared. Suggestions? Resources? Pitfalls to look out for?

    1. My husband had his own business for a while. My .02, it takes a LOT to be profitable and it’s financially up and down. I have a very steady job and that allowed it to work fluctuation wise. Ultimately closed it and went back to working for someone else and we’re both much happier. There’s a lot beyond just hustle that’s time consuming and expensive.

    2. Look to your local SCORE and SBA resources. They have a lot of courses for education and can even team you up with a mentor.

    3. My parents did it years ago. They ended up going bankrupt, largely because my dad was a horrible businessman and my mom refused to call him on it.

    4. The people I’ve seen try to run small businesses without quitting their day jobs all became very distracted and ineffective at those day jobs. I would never open a business unless I were prepared to spend 80 hours a week working on it and lose all the money I had put into it. Most small businesses fail.

    5. I have my own law business and did a small (interior walls only) buildout but I’m not sure if that’s comparable to what your husband has in mind, since it’s just a solo practice and part time staff. I think my initial costs were something like $10,000 to get equipment, buildout and furniture, but I had no partners and just paid out of pocket and cut costs as much as I could, like just using my existing home computer for a while and having my husband move furniture for me. For attorneys, there were a few resources I found on reddit and with the bar associations that went over the things I needed to have lined up, and I was already familiar with a lot of the small business legal and accounting issues. If your husband’s field has a similar professional group, I’d try there, or ask others in the field for their tips. I will also add that I was profitable immediately, but things that helped: I had a client base and work that started paying right away and have not needed to advertise. My husband has health insurance so there’s no expense there, and I’ve been very fortunate with my landlord and the type of work that I do that it’s very low cost on equipment/software/etc.

      And of course, in the back of my mind I knew that if worse came to worst that I could roll up and join another law firm.

    6. I’ve written before about how my mom runs a franchise. It is so much hands on day to day. She’s had to hire people at salaries in line with what you’d expect from a professional job to manage the place when she’s not physically there and it’s still not hands off enough for her to have another job. Your business could be less hands on but someone needs to run these places. Even the best hourly workers are probably not going to successfully hold down the fort while you’re at work so I’m wondering if a well compensated manager or management team is in your plans.

    7. Thank you all, validates a lot of my concerns about the whole plan, especially the 80-hour weeks (even if one of us quits our day job, we have kids, I’m worried we’ll be stretched too thin), uncertainty, cost of hiring staff. I will check out SCORE and SBA!

  9. You used to be able to buy Wamsutta sheets this way, back when they were still owned by Wamsutta and sold in Bloomingdales and other nice department stores. Now they’ve been slaughtered on the altar of shareholder returns.

  10. Any Atlanta people ever done a getaway to Blue Ridge, GA? It’s about 90 minutes from Atlanta. We’d be going with kids 4 and 7 just to have some time in nature, but wondering if it’s TOO remote. Thanks.

      1. Coming back to add that I am not a huge fan of Blue Ridge – I don’t think it’s great for hiking – and with kids that age I’d probably go to the lodge at Amicalola Falls or Dahlonega instead.

    3. How long are you thinking? BR is not somewhere I would want to vacation for a week, but for a weekend, sure. They have a lot of festivals and such that will have vendors and music, so there’a a half-day, and your kids are a perfect age for the train, which takes you to McCaysville and back. McCaysville has a couple of shops and a marked spot (in a grocery store parking lot, IIRC) where you can stand in Georgia and Tennessee at the same time. If you go in August or later, you can run over to Ellijay to pick apples. Throw in a couple of hikes, and you have an easy three-day weekend.

      1. Thanks, all – we’re coming from the Gulf south, so any mountains are a change for us – in late May. Seems like not a bad option for a one-day drive and a 4-5 day trip. Appreciate it and happy to take any recommendations!

    4. I assume from your question that you are relatively new to the area? It is not that remote by definition since it is only 90 minutes from Atlanta. It is not exactly Lake Santeetlah!

      I am not sure when you are thinking of going. Right now is the worst possible time but it is pretty any time other than late winter. The lake is nice once it warms up. Kids who love trains will enjoy the railway (my nephew LOVED it when he was young; note that it is not open right now). I would not stay for a week but it is a nice weekend getaway from Atlanta and you should at least try it once since the investment in time and money is so small. Maybe you love it; maybe you hate it. But then you will know.

      Watch your travel times because I think half of Atlanta heads north for the weekend!

  11. I am absolutely exhausted these days. What are some of your favorite tips and tricks to combat burnout?

    1. Take some time to yourself if possible. If you don’t have kids, take a weekend and go somewhere relaxing to recharge. If you want to stay local, read in a quiet cafe, take a yoga class, get a massage or get your nails done.

    2. Think of the things/activities that are joyful, energizing to you and make them a priority in your free/non-work time. For me, while I was in my last job where I was definitely burned out, that was spending time with specific friends, crafting, and being outdoors. Also, not being afraid of prioritizing quality sleep if at all possible, and not over-committing yourself to additional responsibilities. Hopefully, this is just a hard period! Good luck!

      1. My current homework is doing this! (Identifying things/activities that are joyful). I’m jotting down notes on what helps and what doesn’t. I think that I’ve been sort of on auto-pilot, and it’s making me reconsider how I’m spending my time.

    4. For me outside time in natural daylight – even if it’s just 15 minutes for lunch and even if the weather is grody – is irreplaceable and my brain doesn’t work if I skip it

    5. Honestly? Sleep. Rest. Let your hobbies gather dust, put your to-do list out of sight, and let the chores go for a bit.

    6. Get outside and move your body, every day, several times a day, unless the weather outside is actually unsafe for humans to be out in.

    8. Think about rest as the foundation for your life, not something that happens after you work or as a reward. Rest can = sleep, but not necessarily. Quiet is important, too. So one of the things I’ve started doing is going to a local library for about a 1/2 hour (or longer if possible) just to be in a quiet space. It’s better than a cafe, I think, because the goal is to get away from noise just for a bit.

  12. Can someone give me tips on the outer banks? We usually vacation on cape cod, and I grew up on the jersey shore, but we are looking at spending two weeks on the outer banks this summer with extended family.

    What are the different towns like? Any areas that are particularly good or bad for families? Which beaches are great? Any can’t miss spots?

    We stayed way up in Corolla once which was awesome, but we don’t want to mess with driving on the beach now that we have kids in the mix. We are coming from New England so ideally minimizing and already long drive would be ideal but we are open to it.

    Kids are 6,8,11 so we are looking for big waves/big beaches more than tide pools. We’d like to bike around, walk to the beach, get ice cream, hit up shops & mini golf etc.

    I will trade for Cape Cod knowledge ;).

    1. My parents have a house in Duck, so I am mostly familiar with that area. I’m pretty sure driving on the beach isn’t allowed in all of Corolla, so I would not discount that. The traffic on the northern Outer Banks–north of Kitty Hawk–has gotten absolutely nuts. There is just one 2 lane road running north/south and people keep building more and more huge houses. I went to the Hamptons for the first time 2 years ago and was shocked at how much better the traffic situation was.

      Anyway, I think you could get what you want in Duck and/or Corolla. I am sure it is also available further south but I am less familiar. In general I think Duck and especially Corolla were developed more recently (there was nothing in Duck when my parents built in 1983), and may be slightly more “upscale” than some of the older development in Nags Head, Kill Devil Hills, etc. At this point in the year, rental availability may already be limited, so you may need to take what you can get.

      Southern Shores is between the northern bridge and the town of Duck, so would allow you to skip a lot of traffic and still be close to cutesy Duck stores and restaurants. There are still some very old cinder block properties there but they are increasingly being replaced with huge newer houses.

    2. I don’t have much adult advice, but I went as a child a couple times and have amazing memories! The waves are awesome. That said, sometimes (often?) there are “red flag” days when you need to stay out of the water because of dangerous currents/waves. I think there were 1-2 days each week we couldn’t swim. Similarly, going in August is risky because it’s hurricane season…usually fine, but not always.

      We stayed in condos right on the beach that also had pool access (nice for those red flag days) and later I went with my older cousins as a babysitter and they stayed in houses right on the beach. Staying on the beach is best if you can swing it.

      1. OP here- in much of the cape there are shark days, which are “purple flag” – don’t swim, there are sharks. So, we can handle “toes only” days!

        I was finding cute stuff in Duck but wasn’t sure about the rest of the area. I’ve driven through there and thought it was cute!

      2. Definitely pay attention to the red flag days. There are inevitably several drownings every year on the NC coast, and my understanding is the OBX currents can be particularly bad (despite living in NC for the better part of a decade, I’ve yet to actually make it out there. But if you want alternative options elsewhere in the state, Topsail Island jas lovely beaches, and Oak Island is also nice. Wrightsville is overly built up in my opinion).

        1. Can confirm that the currents can be really scary in OBX, as someone who has been many times. I’m a decent swimmer, and I’m more of a wader and not a swimmer when I’m there (but I’m often there in August when the water is rougher).

    3. They are great — when I just had to come from VA they were easy to get to. North of the bridge tends to be more quiet than south but it is all family friendly. Rodanthe and close to it is also quiet.

      If flying, would recommend maybe going flying into Wilmington and going to Wrightsville or Bald Head or Charleston and going to Folly. The drive aspect is hardest for OBX.

      1. I’ve flown into Norfolk VA and rented a car. Not sure how that compares to suggestions above.

    4. You want to stay up by Corolla. Look for homes in these developments: Monterey Shores, Currituck Club, Corolla Light, and Whale Head Club. They are all close (some walkable/bikeable and some driveable) to the ‘good’ grocery stores (a big Food Lion and a Harris Teeter) as well as the ‘Timbuck 2’ shopping centers which have mini golf/restaurants/shops/etc. I value parking our car and walking/biking once we’re on the island so we opt for Monterey Shores even though it’s a bit more money. Planned communities in this area often have a club house and a big pool for you to use although increasingly the houses also have pools. Many (not all) of those developments will also have tennis courts and other amenities. Unlike many other areas rentals are largely done through traditional vacation rental agencies – the big ones are Twiddy but Sun Realty, Kitty Hawk Realty, and Village Realty are also ones to check out. Don’t expect to get into the house before 3 or 4pm as they need to be cleaned/flipped.
      With that long of a drive I’d do it in two days – Maryland or lower Delaware are good stopping points. Even if you leave early the next day expect that it will still take 5-6 hours to get up to Corolla, the one bridge onto the island makes it a traffic jam on weekend days. Whatever you do, do NOT take 95 all the way down, you want route 13 to avoid the DC traffic and do NOT take the beach bypass road once you’re on the island. I’d also make sure to spend a day at Jockey’s Ridge state park, it was our favorite part of the trip growing up and it’s been expanded in the last decade.

      1. More traffic tips – ignore Google maps’ suggestions to cut through residential streets south of Duck to get out of the traffic jam. They do not help.

      2. I just looked at Monterey Shores- totally within budget and there are a few places with availability for our dates. Where’s the beach access? Is it bay side only or across the main drag? Also, is the beach guarded? And if not, how do I find out which beaches are guarded and which are not?

        2. Public beach access is driveable or bikeable from Monterey Shores. The downside of the OBX being in a red state is that there aren’t many guards and large swaths of the beach is swim at your own risk. For the littles it might be fun to swim in the bay (warmer water and they can walk out quite far) plus you can crab and clam in the bay if that’s something they might enjoy.

          1. They are young but not little- my 8 and 11 y/o want big waves. My 6 year old is “big wave beach on a calm day” and otherwise a sand castle builder. At least, that’s how they are on cape cod- outer cape for everyone, unless there are sharks.

    5. If you want an alternative with less driving, the Charleston area islands could be good. Kiawah is like 45 mins from the airport IIRC.

  13. Any suggestions for a Zoom call appropriate bathrobe?
    I start WFH really early and like to wear my terry cloth bathrobe. But when I have to join video calls it doesn’t look the best. My company is pretty casual so it doesn’t have to be anything formal – just can’t look like a bathrobe but should still be comfy.

    1. The Barefoot Dreams cardigan might work for this. It’s not actually a bathrobe, but it feels soft and warm and fabulous.

        1. Same here. Toss a sweatshirt on over PJs if you insist on not getting dressed, but you’re at work. Casual or not I cannot imagine working in a bathrobe absent a major middle of the night crisis.

      1. That doesn’t look like a bathrobe, but more of what I picture a dressing gown to be when I encounter that term in novels.

    6. Maybe instead of a bathrobe something like a zip up fleece would work. Bonus points if you have one with the company logo embroidered on it.

    8. You need to get dressed dude. I WFH and today I’m wearing a long-sleeved tee and joggers, so only a step up from a bathrobe.

      1. I think people are misunderstanding. I am wearing clothes. I just want something super cozy to wear on top.

        1. I mean, you literally asked about a barhrobe. Some folks (me included) don’t think that’s ever appropriate on a work Zoom and you should instead look at garments that are comfy, warm, and designed to be worn outside your home. There are lots of sweaters, fleeces and cardigans that fit the bill.

          I would feel very weird about seeing a coworker in a robe on camera , even if they had a shirt on under it.

        2. Oh I have something like this. It’s a button up teddy fleece jacket. Uniqlo, but they make them other places, and I’ve seen long ones. In a dark colour, it doesn’t really show up on Teams.

    11. If you truly can’t grasp the reason why you shouldn’t wear a bathrobe to work, NYMag’s shopping section recently had a little piece about an actual bathrobe somebody bought to wear as real clothes. IMO it still looked like a bathrobe, but whatever. I think SA said she bought it too? It might have been from Target.

      1. It’s from Target and I’m wearing it right now (it’s 9 a.m. but I am retired — woo hoo!)! VERY COZY! But it TOTALLY looks like a bathrobe and I would never dream of leaving the house in it, or even being on a Zoom in it!

    12. I don’t think there is such a thing as a bathrobe that does not look like a bathrobe, lol.
      I would rethink and wear a sweater.

  14. Any recs for online basic strength training videos for the middle-aged set? I love to walk and do a rowing machine at home, though I don’t do either nearly enough. I keep putting off joining a gym, and have finally admitted that I just don’t want to – I’d rather walk as much as possible, and figure out some weights, etc that I can do at home.

    1. I love Fitness Blender’s content, especially their older videos with original hosts Kelly and Daniel, which are all free.

      2. Another rec for Fitness Blender. Lots of free videos on their website. I’ve been using the site for several years now and signed up for FB+ which is worth it to me. I love doing their programs b/c the video is picked out for me each day.

        They actually have a free two-week challenge on their site now which incorporates weights into a lot of the workouts along with some cardio, mobility and pilates.

      1. +1 Some things are a little advanced, but I love her energy and the fact that she uses very little equipment. I’m slowly working through her “iron” series, just doing a video or two per week.

        1. +2! The only Youtuber workout I’ve ever stuck with. I would recommend starting with the Iron series and don’t sweat it if you can’t make it through the whole workout, just keep moving to the next day and eventually you’ll get there

    4. I love the Faster Way to Fat Loss weight lifting videos. They’re 30 minutes, 3 days per week and programming changes each week. They also have other optional workouts (yoga, HIIT, stretching). You don’t necessarily have to follow the nutrition program (although it’s pretty reasonable – intermittent fasting + macro counting).

    5. I am a broken record on this question but the Sweat app is incredible. Something for everyone and really good, classic moves that progress. Tons of equipment options. My husband and I both love it and we are both in the army with high fitness expectations.

    7. I just want to say that you do not need to look for something for middle-aged people. Maybe what you need is a “beginner” program, but don’t hem yourself in due to age. I started lifting at 47 and do what everyone else at the gym does.

  15. any recommendations for a postnatal agreement? I’m going to quit my part time job in the next year to focus on my kids and weve both had biglaw type jobs the last 15 years and have accumulated several million in net worth. I’ve had a $$$ job longer than he has and put him through a pricey top law school etc. Is a 50/50 split in assets and caveating my parents inheritance goes to me the most important things? what else do I need to be mindful of? TIA!

      1. I was totally wondering if this was a new thing I hadn’t heard of – it’s not just a post-nup, it’s a post-nup because someone is having a baby and staying home!

    3. Talk to a lawyer but seriously consider staying in the workforce in some fashion. Divorce isn’t the only thing to insure against.

      1. They have several million in assets, which is pretty good insurance against many bad outcomes (and hopefully they have actual insurance against the other super pricy bad outcomes).

        1. So do I but I’d still keep a hand in to be gainfully employed, life is long and a few million goes quickly.

          1. A few million absolutely does not go quickly if you make lifestyle choices that are mildly conservative.

          2. Oh, but it does if there are major medical problems, at least it does if OP is in the US.

    4. This might be a dumb question because I have zero experience with divorce settlements, but isn’t a 50/50 split in assets kind of the default in a divorce? Are you just trying to set that in stone so in case things get nasty, or are you assuming a divorce settlement would default in a different way?

      1. Yeah, what you are describing is generally the default, including that inheritances are separate property. Not a reason not to do it, though. I think you’re smart.

        You will be giving up retirement savings so I’d take a hard look at how to compensate for that.

    5. I mentioned this elsewhere recently: a postnuptial agreement is a legally enforceable piece of paper. You have a high net worth, so that’s good (there is at least money to fight over), but that doesn’t prevent him from emptying the accounts on a gambling addiction.

      You need accounts with only your name on it, and some of his salary needs to be direct deposited into those accounts.

      How will retirement accounts work? You won’t have a 401k to pay into, and IRA limits are low. What is the plan for having equal access to funding retirement going forward?

      Will you feel differently about an asset split if things aren’t working out versus him cheating on you?

      College. Divorce decrees vary by state in terms of requiring a parent to fund college. Some require it, some are discretionary, some don’t allow it at all (Pennsylvania). What are the plans for funding college?

      Life and disability insurance. He should maintain both and name you as the sole beneficiary (unless some is going in trust for the kids).

      1. +1 to all of this. OP – what you are describing is the default, so the things Anon at 11:47 is describing are even more important.

    6. think about retirement accounts, health insurance, etc. i am not an expert on this, but i would assume someone out there who is an expert can tell you the things to think about and it varies a lot by state. in the event of an actual divorce would this prevent you from receiving alimony or child support?

      1. Definitely talk to a lawyer and have them draft, or at least review, your agreement. Also in most jurisdictions you can contract in advance about spousal support but not child support (because it’s for the benefit of the children, who are not parties to the contract).

  16. I swear I go through this every time the trend cycles change, but would love some perspective from others. I feel like I have figured out what looks good on my body type and makes me feel the most like myself. Unfortunately, those styles tend to veer toward the classic. Whenever the trends change, I try to break out of my mold, and I just feel like it all looks ridiculous. If I get as far as buying something, thinking “well, this is kinda cute and I can make it work!” I guarantee it will be abandoned a few months later when I realize that I am, in fact, not making it work. And I truly don’t think this is a lack of confidence or whatever. It just seems like the trendy stuff is always geared toward a woman who is not me, and it’s been this way my entire adult life. I would love to know how other more classic dressers keep things looking fresh and not stodgy or frumpy. If I’m self-conscious about anything, it’s being perceived as boring and stuck up.

    1. I am more of a classic dresser and my answer is to approximate the trends. Echo the trending silhouette and hem length. If skin-tight pants are in fashion, you can wear cigar3tt3 pants at the current length and look current yet still classic. If baggy pants are the style, wear trousers that are fitted on top with a loose leg. If pants are pooling on the floor, hem yours with a break but not dragging on the ground. If flood pants are in style, hem with no break. If tops are all cropped, buy yours waist-length instead of long. I also find that prints tend to look dated and frumpy whereas solid colors have more staying power. You can, however, update your look by incorporating a trending pattern such as stripes.

      1. +1 to all this. I also find it easier to think of a personal style icon who I can emulate when different trends come into fashion. I’m not going to wear the 90s trends the 20-somethings are wearing so instead I look at what Caroline Bessette wore in the 90s or what Gwyneth Paltrow wore in a Perfect Murder and use it as inspo. I’ve added two pairs of dark colored denim flares, solid colored sweaters that are hip length vs. long, belts, square toe boots with block heels or pointy toe kitten heels. I consider it a good way to revisit and try out all the looks I enjoyed seeing my favorite teachers/older women at work wearing.

    2. I’m of the opinion that having your own sense of style is always a good thing – knowing what feels and looks good to you is a gift! I think it sounds like you know what silhouettes look best on you. Outside of those parameters, are there areas that feel easier to experiment with? Say, shoes, accessories, jackets, color combinations? Sometimes, all that’s needed for a look to feel fresher is a few minor tweaks.

      1. +1. Updated shoes goes a long way to making something more current.
        Also – it takes time to get used to seeing different silhouettes, proportions, etc. You probably are making it work, it’s just different from what you’re used to.

      2. Probably shoes and accessories. I struggle with finding pants that fit well as it is, so experimenting there tends to be very frustrating for me.

    3. My style is more classic and I honestly just ignore the trends that I know won’t work with my style or my body.
      I keep things fresh by making sure everything fits well and by buying what works the best for my body shape and proportions.
      I am sure many people think I’m boring and stuck up and I’ve just accepted it.

    4. Honestly, everything “in style” right now (and for like the last 5-10 years) is ugly. It’s not you. It’s been a rough go.

      Wear clean clothes you love that fit impeccably, and you will look better than most trend followers.

    5. I am a classic dresser; I try to figure out what is trending and pull out my version of it. But I won’t buy something in an unflattering shape just because it’s trending.

    6. Is your hairstyle saying stuck up and boring? Changing your hair can make a huge difference.

  17. This isn’t a super serious question, just kind of idly curious. What body parts, under what circumstances, need to be shaved for a professional appearance? My main guesses: face if you’re a woman, legs if you wear skirts, armpits if you wear clothing that exposes them (but how much armpit-exposing clothing is business-appropriate to begin with?) Anything else seems to be in the “if your co-workers can see this, there is already a major problem” area.

    1. Legs for sure if you’re me. I have pale skin and course, dark leg hair that grows so freaking fast, it’s unbelievable. If you have fine, blond hair, maybe it’s not such a big deal!

      2. I’ve found that the hair grows back much finer and softer if you wax instead of shave. My underarm hair is now the consistency of a teen-age boy’s between waxings, rather than the thick, dark consistency when I used to shave.

    2. I belong to a religion where we don’t cut or remove any hair, including body hair. So while I practice good hygiene and dress appropriately for the office…. I have bushy eyebrows, some hair on my chin, and hairy legs and armpits. Offices are usually cold, so I’ve never really had to deal with opinions of my legs/armpits as those aren’t visible, but I do occasionally wear skirts that hit below the knee in the warmer months (admittedly not for days where I have a big presentation or other in person event). I have received more than my fair share of demeaning remarks over the years and have shifted to a less client/external facing role as a result of said comments and concern that it would impact my professional trajectory, but this is my faith and I will not sacrifice it for arbitrary beauty standards imposed by others.

      1. I am of the same faith, and I remove hair. Ain’t no way. It’s pretty extreme not to remove any.

        1. I disagree that it’s extreme, but I respect your choices and hope that you can respect mine.

          Regardless of our individual choices, I shared my experience to highlight that facial/body hair on women is not unprofessional and women with visible hair should not experience career penalties for it (whether informed by faith or other reasons). People often jump to inaccurate assumptions about hygiene, which is not fair.

          1. Thank you. I was unaware this could be a faith-based choice, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective!

          2. Ehhhh, come on. It’s extreme. You have a fundamentalist approach to religion. The vast majority of Sikhs don’t practice this way.

          3. Respectfully, I’m not sure what the point of your comment is. You could have noted that you don’t know many Sikh women who keep all their hair without calling all of us who do extreme and fundamentalist. Also, there are many, many more of us than you might think. OP asked about shaving hair and professional appearance, and I shared my experience in the workplace as a practicing Sikh woman who keeps all of her hair as our faith mandates. Commenters here may now or in the future work with a Sikh woman who keeps all her hair. Knowing this information could keep them from jumping to unfound conclusions about hygiene or from treating that coworker unfairly.

            I have no judgement for those who have a different relationship with the faith or who make different choices about body hair, but I don’t appreciate being called extreme and fundamentalist for adhering to one of the core tenants of my faith – a belief btw, that does not harm anyone or cause me to discriminate against others. It impacts my behavior towards others in only a positive way by teaching me to be less judgmental about others’ appearances and life choices. Also, we don’t call our brothers extreme/fundamentalist for their turbans and beards :-) [at least we shouldn’t]

          4. I don’t share your religion but am from your region. I appreciate you speaking out and educating the rest of us.

      2. If you are just “learning” this now, then count yourself genetically blessed. If I didn’t “shave” regularly (I use the Tinkle razors) I would have a mustache/more chin hairs than I could count and a poor woman’s unibrow.

        I’m not talking about peach fuzz. I’m a mutt genetically but have fair skin and very dark hair.

        As with everything, some people are just lucky and don’t know how common things are like being hairy, acne, rosacea, etc… and how cruel kids and adults can be about these things.

    5. This is why I always roll my eyes whenever women say “I shave my legs/chin hairs for me.” Everyone knows there are professional consequences if she doesn’t.

      1. I don’t shave my upper legs – super fine, short, almost transparent hair. Would be fine never shaving my lower legs (and didn’t in college), but have no desire to face the professional repercussions. However, I vastly prefer the way my face looks with my chin hairs plucked and my eyebrows tamed. (Before you all flame me, my chin hairs are literally darker and thicker than my leg hair.)

        1. I occasionally take a break from shaving my legs in the winter, but once the hairs get to a certain length they start to really bother me in socks/tights/knit pants.

      2. I have PCOS and if I don’t keep the chin/cheek hairs at bay, I start to have serious sensory overload. Can’t lean my head on my hand while reading, applying lip balm with a finger gets fraught, wiping my mouth with a napkin makes me want to peel my skin off my body.

      1. I don’t think this is true. Men with unkempt beards look awful and it’s not appropriate for an office.

          1. If a guy doesn’t get regular haircuts, has hair on the back of their neck, etc. then they are going to get dinged as unprofessional. This board is delusional.

    7. I do legs below the knee (because I’m lazy) for summer and special winter occasions and armpits all the time (because I prefer it gone). I’ll try to pluck stray eyebrow and nose hairs but that’s it. Never got rid of my arm hair despite what the people at the waxing place suggested! Men’s clothing norms don’t expose their legs or armpits in my industry, and if I don’t feel like shaving I’ll just wear long pants or something.

    8. None, but it’s way easier to focus on what you are saying if you take a second to tweeze that one wiry sprout coming out of the mole on your cheek.

    9. This is the type of question guaranteed to bring out the “nothing natural to your body is ever unprofessional” crowd.

      But I live in the real world and since I do not have religious beliefs that preclude hair removal (and “anon for this” I am so sorry you have experienced that!), I remove my hair from the societally expected areas when they are visible. That means legs, underarms (I keep those shaved all the time as a matter of personal preference regardless of visibility), and the random hairs that have sprouted on my chin and upper lip with menopause. I also color my hair and work hard to combat its natural tendency toward frizz because I like the way it looks better and because (again) I live in the real world and “unkept” middle-aged women tend to be judged pretty harshly in business.

  18. For those of you on Medicare or with parents you assist on Medicare, how much are you paying for a Medicare Advantage plan? We are taking over finances for a relative with dementia and her plan premium seems to be over 300 a month. Is that typical or steep? She has dementia but is otherwise quite healthy.

    1. No, that is not steep. Is that her only premium?

      If she is low income, many states offer steep subsidies for your Medicare premiums/health care costs, but I’m not sure that this can apply to Medicare Advantage plans.

      But in general, with someone elderly who has serious medical problems, I recommend people get regular Medicare, as Medicare Advantage can cause more problems with limiting your network for example. In rare cases, Medicare Advantage plans are part of retirement benefits and actually give better options than Medicare alone, but those plans are going by the wayside.

      1. And I guess its all relative.

        My health insurance costs me $1300 per month and that’s just for me. I’m in my 50s. If I could get health care in my ?70s-80s when I have dementia for $300 per month that was decent quality, that sounds like a miracle.

    2. Are you sure she should be on an Advantage plan? I’m a few years from needing to make that decision, and everything I’ve read tells me I want regular Medicare (and if I want, a secondary private plan), not Medicare Advantage.

      1. Yes you want traditional Medicare + Medigap if you can afford it. Because traditional Medicare covers 80% with no out of pocket maximum cap, you need Medigap to pick up the other 20%. For a lot of low income people, they cannot afford to pay the extra Medigap and so they pay for Medicare Advantage which does have an out of pocket max that caps their annual cost. The tradeoff is that since Medicare Advantage is privately run, it requires preapproval and often denies care (Aetna is infamous for denying cataract surgeries).

        1. To add: once you go Medicare Advantage it’s hard to return to traditional Medicare because they then require you to go through underwriting to purchase Medigap (you have one year I think to change your mind and avoid underwriting). For OP’s relative who has diagnosed dementia either the cost will be prohibitive or a plan isn’t offered at all.

    3. Medicare cost can be based on income as well as the level of coverage. For example, the standard premium is $174.70. This price will increase if the retiree’s income is higher than a certain threshold, and/or if they choose a plan with lower copays and less out of pocket max for example. People who buy traditional Medicare will pay the standard premium plus some type of Medigap plan which can easily run them north of $300 combined. But in any case I would check to see what your relative’s Medicare Advantage covers and whether it’s comparable to other Advantage plans being offered in your area.

    4. Thanks all. Our next step is to look into what’s covered and see what to do. We’re trying to keep her expenses down because she’s in assisted living now and it’s very expensive.

      1. Anon — if you are still here, look into Boomer Benefits. They are no cost to your relative, and will help you find the best plan for your relative. All of their reviews are positive, we used them for my husband and were pleased.

    5. I would look up your area council on aging who should have insurance navigators like they do for affordable care act plans but that focus on Medicare. They are the best resource because they aren’t being incentivized to sell a plan to you. They can also connect you with other resources you may not be familiar with,

  19. Anyone go on a low-oxalate diet and have any tips or favorite dishes/recipes? My husband’s doctor ordered him on one for his recurrent kidney stones, and the list of forbidden foods basically reads like a list of his favorite foods.

  20. My wife and I will be in Baltimore, probably staying at a hotel near the airport, in early May for a memorial service. My wife uses a cane and has a health situation that makes it challenging for her to walk long distances. She can walk 1/4 mile or more, but it’s slow and can be painful.

    If we want to see the National Museum of the American Indian in DC, is it feasible to take public transportation to DC and then get pretty close to the museum using Uber/Lyft/a cab? Or is it tough to do this without a lot of walking? She needs to have some strength left to walk in the museum and do the return trip. Is this a bad idea, or doable?

    1. If you are staying near the airport, take the MARC train from the BWI airport stop down to Union Station in DC. Then I would recommend taking uber to the Museum, because if you take metro from Union Station to L’Enfant Plaza (the closest metro stop to the museum), you’ll have to transfer at Gallery Place and adds walking time and distance.

      1. +1 Take a car from union station. Get dropped off on the Maryland SW slip lane, it’s closest to the front doors.
        Wheelchairs are first come first serve, but I would highly recommend one for NMAI, as the floors are very firm and unforgiving.

    3. If you’re coming from Baltimore, you’d likely be taking the MARC train or Amtrak to Union Station and then can pick up a cab or rideshare from there. The museum is also bordered on all four sides by regular roads, so it is very easy to be dropped off in front of the entrance. But also be aware that the museum is a pretty big space. I’m not sure if they have wheelchairs for rent/borrow at the museum, but that would be something you should look into if you’d like to make this a comfortable experience for your wife. You’d also have to do quite a bit of walking in Union Station to get from the platform to the exit, and you’ll need to be sure that the train you’re on makes it easy to get on or off with mobility issues (some/many of the platforms require you to go up pretty steep stairs to get in the train, but there should be at least once entrance on each train that is accessible – look this up online ahead of time and be sure to flag down a conductor if you need assistance).

    4. It’s doable! I would recommend taking a car from union station to the NMAI (https://maps.app.goo.gl/ahHR1Guz7FwR7RGo9- get dropped off on the Maryland SW side, the doors are closest here).
      Definitely use a wheelchair for the museum, the floors are very hard and unforgiving.
      Most Smithsonian institutions are first come first serve for wheelchairs, but you may be able to call and check if any are available while you’re waiting for your ride share.

    5. she could also consider a wheelchair for the museum. my mother hated using her wheelchair, but it made things more pleasant for everyone and she was happier as well

  21. Selling the family home after divorce so I need to buy something for myself. I am very overwhelmed: should I buy in the area I am in that I do like and am very familiar with but have no reason to stay here, or should I buy in another town (still local) for a fresh start, should I buy a house or a townhome? I just can’t make a decision.

    I WFH so location is not an issue, both my kids are in college, I have two dogs (so would like at least a small yard for them). I look online all the time at different options, I go to open houses…I just can’t figure out what the right next move is for me. Anyone have any advice?

    1. I vote for staying near friends, but if that’s not a consideration, then fresh start all the way!!

    2. Rent and take some time to let your emotions settle. Don’t rush into a purchase now. Wait until you’ve given yourself time and space to clearly think, and you’ll probably have an answer by then.

      1. +1

        When I divorced I thought for sure I would want to buy a condo so I wouldn’t have to maintain a house and yard. After renting one for two years I was longing for a house and yard, so that’s what I ended up buying. Divorce is traumatic and it takes a while to settle down and figure out what your next step should be.

      2. This is good advice. I’d add to it by saying you might want to put most of your stuff in storage. Furnish and decorate your apartment minimally, just enough to make it yours and make you feel comfortable and at home. It will be easier to maintain and you may find that you want a new look for your surroundings.

    3. if possible have enough space for both of your kids to be at home at the same time. different scenario, but my inlaws “downsized” to a house that is still quite large, but only has 2 bedrooms and a basement, but they have 3 kids, so we cannot all be there at the same time. if they were actually living in a small house that would make sense, but instead its a 3000+ square foot house with a bad layout

    4. Having been there (though no kids): I want to stress that there’s no “right” or “wrong” answer here, and it sounds like either option is a good one for you.

      That said, my advice would be to stay near your support system. I really benefitted from having my folks close by as I was setting up my new solo life. If the nearby town is still close enough to easily meet up with friends you have in the area, then I say try something new (if you also think the new town would be a fun place to live and is within your budget). I ended up moving about 45 minutes away from my group about 2 years after my divorce for a new job opportunity, and it’s made things harder for me, but was an excellent move professionally.

      As far as SFD vs townhome – I ended up buying a townhome (twice!), but that was a product of a busy job and wanting less outdoor maintenance, even if I hired out yard work. I have a small fenced yard for my dog, and plenty of space for just me. The plus is my yard work doesn’t take up my weekends in the way it did when I was living in my marital home.

    5. Maybe rent in your area until your kids are out of college? Then they still have their home base to see friends etc. when home.

    6. Keep going to open houses and showings with your realtor and eventually you will find something that’s right. It might be in your current or the nearby town, but wherever it is and whatever it looks like, it will tell you when it’s the right house. If you have to move/sell rather quickly, I would suggest renting for a bit so you’re not pressured into making a decision sooner than you’re ready to make one.

  22. question for the hive: if you were going to start a compounded weight loss drug, would you go with semaglutide or tirzepatide? i was on semaglutide for 3 months and was losing very slowly, then had a bunch of stomach problems in december that made me stop for a while. i’ve cautiously been back on it for a few weeks and it’s fine at the lowest dose, but i’m wondering if i should switch to tirzepatide to see if my weight loss is better with that one.

    1. after spending the weekend with one of my college friends who is a physician who prescribes weight loss drugs daily, i will never ever go on a compounded version

        1. she said you dont really know what you are putting into your body and the rules are too loose. she would never ever suggest it to a patient or put it into her own body

          2. Compounding pharmacies are pretty wild (I had one offer to make a sugar-free version of a solution where sugar /is the preservative/).

            They’re also often necessary, so when we have no other option, I think it’s wise to investigate their reputation and ask a lot of informed questions, like any other buyer beware purchase.

    2. I don’t know if this would help with the stomach issues, but I am doing Semiglutide but on a very slow basis for increases in doses. I increase dose every 4 weeks instead of every 2 weeks. I have not had any stomach or intestinal issues at all. I am losing very slowly, average of 1 lb per week and I am in my 11th week. I am fine with the slow weight loss. But I do think increasing doses slower helps avoid stomach or intestinal issues.

      1. Agreed! And I have to tell you, my doc who prescribed me Mounjaro advised against a compound. But discuss with your doctor.

  23. Has anyone here had laser surgery on their retina? My husband is waiting for a call for a time today – he had an “emergency” visit with an Opthamologist yesterday, and they’re referring him to a retina place that promises to get him in today, so I guess it is indeed an emergency.

    He didn’t sleep much last night and I feel really bad for him. Any advice about the procedure itself or the recovery?

    1. My uncle recently had laser surgery to correct a detached retina. Went to the eye hospital ER one night and had surgery the next day or the day after.

      He couldn’t lie down and had to sleep in a recliner for a week or two. Also couldn’t bend over (to tie shoes, pick something up off the ground, feed the dog) for the same length of time. He had frequent follow up appointments (2-3x a week for a few weeks).

    2. My grandmother had a detached retina – I remember she wore an eyepatch for a few weeks, but this was back in the 80s. They’re genetic, so I’ve always discussed them with my doctor — it’s a really, really, really good thing you caught it this soon, you don’t have a huge window to catch it and can lose the eye if you don’t.

      1. He has a retinal tear, not (yet) a detached retina, but yes it was yeoman’s work trying to get him to call the Opthamologist.

    3. So much will depend on the exact issue and the location of the issue, but it’s great that you caught it now. A friend went through this recently and she could not sleep on her back for a month. It was quite problematic for her. She also wore a patch and her other eye suffered from fatigue quickly. The healing was also quite painful and she couldn’t work for a few weeks. I hope your husband’s isn’t as severe but be prepared that this could be fairly disruptive.

    4. Thanks all. He did great! I think he was the youngest person in the waiting room by 15 years, but the doctor was very pleased with the repair and didn’t place any restrictions on husband’s activity. I’m the one telling him to please take it easy for a couple of days.

    5. I did in May of 2020! I had a migraine and saw floaters. I’m at high risk for retinal detachment, so I was referred the same day to the retina specialist. My retina wasn’t detached, and the floaters were related to the migraine, not my retina. But he found retinal tears. He lasered them the same day. The feeling was really weird and uncomfortable but not painful. It took about 30-45 minutes. It wasn’t that big of a deal. I went home and had a normal evening and went to work the next day.

      At the time (again, May of 2020), I was more worried about my face being 1 inch from someone else’s face. Also, my mask was super uncomfortable while he was lasering my eye. (I didn’t usually have a problem with masks.) My doctor assured me he had already had Covid in March, so he wasn’t worried about catching it again or being able to pass it on, and he let me take off my mask during the procedure.

  24. Chapter 13 here. I’ve leaped over the first hurdle in my background investigation for the federal government! I passed sort of a “pre-background” that enables me to officially start the job in a few weeks. I’ll still have to wait 2-6 months for the public trust clearance to go through. My doctor has given me an as-needed anxiety medication to get through this rough patch.

    In other news, I really like my new therapist. She is digging into my childhood and past trauma to help explain my behavior as an adult. I’ve been MUCH better about spending. I also told my mom about my situation, which was a huge step for me. I thought she’d be judgmental, but turns out she’s been extremely gracious, still maintains that she’s proud of me, and has even offered to pay off the credit card I ran up after filing (it’s about $4k). She wants me to be able to tell the background investigators that I’m debt free except for my Chapter 13 plan. I’m super grateful for her help and support as it was a surprise. Her emotional support means a lot to me. Thanks for all of your support too!

    1. This is a great update!

      Someone who knows more than I do can speak to how deeply the background will go into your finances. Will they question the receipt of a $4k gift? Will they even know about it?

      1. I don’t think they will know about the $4k gift, but there was a section on my background paperwork that asked for all the details of my bankruptcy

    2. That is so amazing! so glad to hear things are going well, and all your hard work is paying off.

  25. Random question but if you needed a blank greeting card to write a thank you note – where would you buy that these days? Just realized that both the Papyrus and Hallmark walkable from my office closed in the last few months and when I looked at Target last night the selection was very small and very pink or floral. It’s for an older guy – while I’m happy for a card to be colorful, I probably don’t want pink floral. Any ideas besides Amazon?

      1. If you have one nearby, Dollar Tree has some nice cards including blank ones. Hobby Lobby also has some too.

    2. Trader Joe’s has these for a great price! I often grab a few and keep them around for times like these.

    3. I like the “correspondence cards” at the Metropolitan Museum of Art online shop. They are a single sheet of heavy stock, card sized and embossed with a simple, small design. There’s lots of great blank cards as well. I think museum shops generally are a great source of stationery.

    4. trader joes, barnes and noble, papyrus…. i also have blank cards with my name that i use…. my box is literally from when i was 8 but you can order cheaply

      1. +1 I got a really nice set of monogrammed blank note cards on Etsy that I use for thank you notes.

    6. interesting, I usually buy these at target — not in the card section but in the boxed stationary section. They usually have a good selection (maybe try target online if you’re ordering anything else?). Otherwise, I agree that momst stores you can walk to have lousy cards; I try to stock up when I’m at an art market and they’re selling seconds. sometimes fancy grocery stores (like fresh market) have slightly better cards.

    9. Do you have a fancy or semi-fancy grocery store nearby? Mine has a decent selection of Papyrus and other brands of cards.

    10. Jojostudios on Etsy makes lovely stationary. You can get it personalized (I do my initials) and the envelopes come in fun colors. I use them for everything–thank you cards, wedding gifts, etc.–and have saved so much money over the years vs shelling out for a Hallmark card each time.

    11. Etsy probably. I tend to accumulate them from things like street fairs or other places independent artists sell their wares. My most recent favorites are prints of original artwork involving lemons, and a series of bird photographs, each on blank card stock.

  26. Interested in the Hive’s opinions of the behavior in court of Jennifer Crumbley’s attorney. I watched SharonSaysSo’s IG take on it and was fairly staggered. (I’m NAL, obviously.)

    1. Can you high level what that woman’s points were? She has like 25 stories up, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

      1. so SharonSaysSo’s post was mostly about the lawyer and her behavior — she whines constantly, was apparently frequently applying deodorant or some kind of perfume oil during trial, gave her closing remarks mostly about how people on the internet hate her now and darn it she’s not a great mother and if she can just wipe down instead of showering every day she’s winning.

        (Re the mother – I am also a mom to a special needs kid, there is no way I’m buying him a gun. The mother was also having an affair, joked about her kid’s behavior problems and the school alerts, and after the incident texted her affair partner that her main concern was trying to stay out of jail. There was something about her behavior the day of also that made them prosecute, maybe involving her reaction to the son’s blood-and-gore drawings?))

    2. I’m not an attorney. As a mother with 3 special needs kids, I think a stronger argument would have been to have asked why this mother is being prosecuted and not the school district for their failure to identify and respond to the warnings the child shows on a repeat.

      I had to fight tooth and nail for my kids and my eldest is still not ok. I really would like to see the district administration also given manslaughter charges because this child had issues and the school didn’t do their job.

        1. The mother isn’t mother of the year by any stretch and no gun should have been made available to that child. However, when there are supposed processes and resources in place to identify and help children who are mentally unwell, I would hope these people were also held accountable.

          From USA Today:

          School officials had called the Crumbley parents to the school the morning of the shooting after finding violent drawings he had done on a school assignment. He was also caught searching online for bullets at school, watching shooting videos in class and drawing violent images on several other papers.

          School officials testified that the parents chose not to take their son home despite the school telling them to get him immediate help, and offering them facilities that provided same-day mental health care services.

          The parents told the school they could not take him home because they both had to return to work and that if he left school he would walk home and be alone. School officials, who were worried about his mental health, did not think it was a good idea for him to be alone since they were concerned he was considering suicide.

          Seriously, the school should have called the police and CPS. That child needed help and when the parents said no to picking him up to get him medical help, that’s abuse (medical neglect). I’ve lost my job because I got calls from school all the time. However, losing my job is an easier problem to solve than a self harming 8 year old who is clearly distressed and needs medical attention.

          This should have been a CPS case. Instead a community is traumatized and a child has no future life.

      2. Didn’t the school try to send him home and she refused to pick him up? A school can only do so much. She literally ignored him directly asking for help. Parents have the ultimate responsibility for the health of their children, which includes mental health.

        1. They did – I haven’t followed the case super-closely, but it sounds like the staff at the school continually brought issues to the parents’ attention, including on the day of the shooting.

      3. I’m sure there will also be a civil suit against the district, but they are not a “person” under the law and cannot be prosecuted criminally.

        1. And to the extent you are implying that individuals within the administration should be charged criminally — 1) we have qualified immunity for exactly this reason, and while it can be overcome, the bar is high, and 2) the parents are ultimately responsible for their children, so unless a school administrator was actively working to conceal the red flags from the parents, it’s the parents’ job to manage their child.

  27. I am in the market for really nice bubble bath, like high end hotel style bubble bath. I do not want bath bombs. Any recommendations?

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