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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Top in Washable Silk Charmeuse

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A woman wearing a navy short-sleeved top and khaki pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve been trying to find a duplicate for a beloved silk top that I lost to a salad dressing incident a few years ago, and this Brooks Brothers top might do the trick. It’s washable silk, and the short sleeves look like they’ll fit nicely under a sweater or blazer.

I would wear this with my favorite navy suit for a monochromatic look. 

The top is $111-$118 at Brooks Brothers and comes in sizes XS-XL.

Sales of note for 10/23 (ALSO, friendly PSA – check any NAS or Amazon Prime Day purchases for the return policies…)

  • Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase + $50 off your $200+ purchase
  • Brooklinen – Friends & Family – 20% off sitewide and 50% off select bundles
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select fall styles. Also, donate any gently worn coat in one of their stores and get $25 off your next purchase of $125+.
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off new arrivals + extra 15% off orders of $100+
  • M.M.LaFleur – 72 hours only, save 20% on jardigans (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
  • Nordstrom – 5840+ new markdowns for women, up to 40% off
  • Talbots – 50% off one regularly-priced item, 40% off everything else
  • Theory – End of season sale is on with extra savings (new prices are marked)

134 Comments

    1. Eileen fisher has awesome quality silk tank tops and t-shirts. The brand (mostly) runs large so an XL will probably fit you. A couple of their styles are more fitted, though, so be on the lookout for that; it’s called out in the description. They’re sometimes deeply discounted at Nordstrom rack in lucky sizes and colors.

  2. I’m about to start a renovation of a fairly basic rectangular bathroom for my kids (two girls, 8 and 3, if that matters), replacing a pedestal sink with a proper vanity (prob 48 “, one sink) and updating the dingy 90s beige tile as primary motivators. Everything is getting redone, though.

    I’d like it to be classic/timeless and not trendy. Where do you get your inspo? This is not my strength.

    I can be talked out of any of this but thinking Wayfair’s Merola Tile Metro Hex floor tile, Avanity Brentwood for the vanity. What goes on the walls of the shower/tub? What color do I paint the walls so that it feels warm, cozy. I have polished brass in my 2022 renovated master bath, but thinking not brass or black – I think they’ll look dated in due time. Door hardware is black and that’s not changing. Polished nickel? What would age well? Helpppp.

    1. I’m also doing a bathroom renovation and similarly this isn’t my forte! Here are two suggestions:
      1) Sources for inspiration photos: Pinterest + Reddit (r/BathroomRemodeling)
      2) I have been using Gemini for mock-ups, and it’s surprisingly good: I take screenshots of things I like (e.g., paint colors, wallpapers, vanities), and ask it to put together mock-ups. It also can offer suggestions.

      1. Had not considered wallpaper! It’s no where else in the house but I’d consider it…

        How is removal? Is that going to wreck my walls down the line?

        1. It’s my first time using wallpaper too! (Also not anywhere else in the house). And I think it should be okay — there is some lady in Houston (“The Wallpaper Lady”) who blogs about different brands, and I am going to use one of her recommendations.

        2. My sister bought a fixer-upper with wallpaper EVERYWHERE. She bought her own steamer slowly took it down over the years. (Would have been faster, but more expensive, to hire a prop obviously.) No unusual damage to the walls.

    2. If the door hardware is black I would tend towards black hardware for the rest of it–black may look dated but unmatched also has the potential to seem weird. (Especially given the black in the tile.)

      I would go with some kind of turquoise for the paint–a nice contrast with the vanity.

      No idea about the shower/tub.

      1. We have oiled brass door hardware and chrome in our kids bath and it looks fine. We did chrome fixtures because it’s cheaper than polished nickel.

        To the original question, subway tile is always classic! I agree a vanity painted a fun color is nice for a kid’s bath.

          1. I agree. Chrome is the most neutral finish choice for bathroom and kitchen fixtures in my mind.

        2. Polished nickel feels much heavier and more premium than chrome, to me. I think chrome is absolutely fine, especially for a kid’s bathroom, although it gets smudged easily with fingerprints.

          I think brushed nickel is the material that can look dated, especially depending on the style.

          1. Nickel is a new trend, chrome plated brass has been around since the creation of bathrooms.

    3. White subway with light gray grout seems as timeless as you can get, even though it’s not ‘exciting.’ I used larger-scale subway (maybe 6×14?) and like that it looks a little ‘cleaner’ and less grout to maintain.

      Resist the urge to do a decorative niche visible from the bathroom. Once in use, all that does is feature kid hair product bottles prominently. Tucked ours in the far short wall of the shower so you can only really see the stuff if you bend in and look!

      I love polished nickel. Warmer feeling than chrome.

      1. Thank you! Will I regret the hex floor tile with the black floral-like detail? All white felt a little… too white? Could also do the 1” hex with a black dot vs the flower-ish design.

        1. i tried looking up the floor tile and I think i might not be looking at the right one? which size/color are you thinking? and what about for the vanity? i would not do black hardware, i agree with polished nickel or polished chrome. i like the idea of all white, but you do something different for the walls, which is easier to change up down the line. Like a pale pink, blue, or yellow. If you can fit two sinks, i recommend it.

          1. “Merola Tile Metro 1 in Hex Matte White with Flower” is the one I was thinking of.

            Wondering if I can/should do just a single black dot… or not black at all in the floor.

            Definitely not doing black hardware.

      2. For a kid bathroom my biggest lessons are to take the subway tile 3/4 of the way up the wall, make the grout lines as small as possible, and add in as much storage as you can – hooks, towel bar, hand towel ring, a ‘luggage rack’ style shelf over the toilet, etc.
        I agree with white subway tile being the best bet. I personally like a black/white bathroom (or an all white bathroom) and would go with white subway tile on the walls/shower, and a vanity with as deep and wide of a sink as you can manage along with drawers vs. open shelving.

    4. If I were redoing a bathroom for my two young daughters, I’d try to make it fun but still sophisticated. Assuming this is your forever home, they’re going to get 15+ years of enjoyment out of it. Add some fun (bathroom friendly) wallpaper, a pretty tile color, decorative knobs (look at Anthro), etc.

    5. Go on pinterest and find a bathroom you like and copy it. Bathrooms are small so this is pretty easy to do. I think all rooms, including bathrooms, need something old and new so I’d look for some accents to bring in warmth. I also always wallpaper my bathrooms and have never had an issue.

      1. I have done this with great success. Just try to pick one that is the same general style as your house. It’s my view that the looks that look dated the quickest are the ones that are trendy without regard to the underlying stule of the house they’re in.

    6. Put the vanity at the height that an adult will want to use and not at the height made for children. Your kids will grow and want regular height counters. While they’ll need stools for now, most of the years will be spent as teens and adults who aren’t short.

      3. Did she say she was doing this? I didn’t see OP mentioning that anywhere. That would be a very odd choice.

        1. She didn’t say she was doing this. But I’m amazed how many houses have low countertops in bathrooms. Maybe they’re all just old houses and that’s how it was done 30 years ago, and that has changed. I don’t know. I think that, at a minimum, bathroom counters should be the same height as kitchen counters and arguably an inch or two higher.

          Mentioning it in a post seemed worth 30 seconds of my time.

    7. Out of curiosity are you doing this yourselves or did you hire a contractor? We shopped around for a contractor a few years ago for a similar project and it was insanely expensive!

      1. We have a GC! He needs tile and vanity selections like… today! He’s amazing, and squeezing us in between jobs. His next one starts 11/1 so we need to get rolling with choices. His quote was $27.5k, excluding tile and vanity. Includes toilet, tub, fixtures that I already selected, and a kick-heat baseboard heater we’re adding. We’re in suburban Boston incase that estimate helps guide anyone else. I bet we’ll be sub $35, and hopefully $31-32 by the time we’re done.

        And definitely not making this a “little kid bathroom” – all normal height stuff. We’re keeping the tub for sure.

        1. Ok, that is like HALF of what we were quoted. But this was in the year or so after the pandemic when everyone had just spent so much time at home and everyone wanted to renovate (and we were in the midst of a raw materials shortage if I remember correctly?). I should get a new quote.

          1. I got three quotes and they were within $1k of one another. All three GCs came with one if not several personal recommendations, too. Def worth revisiting!

          1. ^^^this right here. So much grout to keep scrubbed from kid feet. I’d consider larger format tiles. 12×24 for the floor.

        3. That actually seems pretty reasonable! We were quoted a similar amount in the LCOL Midwest.

    8. Hex tile is definitely a trend so if aging well is a key criteria for you, I’d use a different tile. Of course, it’s been around historically for decades but definitely cycles in and out in a big way. It’s been everywhere for the past ~5-10 years and is already starting to look a little past date to me.

      2. I think hex tile can look really classic if the rest of the house is also pretty traditional.

    9. A huge part of a new space looking good is making sure that it harmonizes with the rest of the house. Nothing is more jarring than a French country bathroom in a 70s contemporary or an “everything new and trendy” space in a colonial. What is the style of your home and your particular style?

  3. hello! my curly-haired daughter needs to start blowdrying her hair at night after a shower. (she suffers from pretty bad dandruff and other skin icks, and we’ve been advised that “drying her scalp” will really help with that.

    does anyone have a suggestion for a good hairdryer for curly hair? I hear “diffusing” but I am overwhelmed by the options. bonus points if it is on the amazon prime sale! but I’ll take anything . . .

    thanks!

    (also, does anyone have super duper THIS IS IT recs on greasy hair and/or dandruff hair shampoo? head and shoulders ain’t cutting it”

    1. ugh. I love how I used open parentheticals TWICE and did not close them . . . sigh.

      1. You’re letting all the air conditioning out into the rest of the paragraph!! ;)

    2. For shampoo, Nizoral, massaged into the scalp and left to sit for a few minutes, roughly 2-3 times a week (not nightly or her hair will dry out). It’s also likely that the ‘dandruff’ is dry skin/irritated skin so the blow drying will help calm things down. Try to use the lowest heat setting, and make sure to get the nape of her neck fully dry. I have thick hair and people are always shocked by how long it takes.
      No hair dryer recs as I use a dyson, but being able to control heat and fan speed separately along with a big enough diffusing attachment are going to be the biggest things to look for. My diffuser is roughly the size of a bagel, you don’t want anything much smaller than that.

    3. It sounds like I have hair that’s very similar to your daughter! For the greasy scalp, I like to make sure I’m using something clarifying at least once or twice a week. L’Oreal Paris EverPure Sulfate Free Clarifying Shampoo has worked well for me because we also have hard water. In the winter, I like to use The Ordinary Glycolic Acid Toner on my scalp once a week, as well. (Before showering, apply directly to the scalp and leave it on for a few minutes.) It helps with exfoliating and gets rid of some of the dandruff flakes that pop up in the winter.

      For a diffuser, I have a Dyson Supersonic with a diffuser attachment, but it’s stupid expensive. For a kid, I would recommend taking a trip to TJ Maxs or Marshall’s and just picking something up. If she really likes using a diffuser, then maybe it would make sense to buy something pricier, but I would wait to see if it’s something she’s using regularly!

    4. Heads up that the work up for these kinds of skin issues is often really lacking, so if she has any other symptoms at all, it’s worth following up with primary care to make sure there isn’t an underlying condition that could be addressed upstream.

      I would think that any dryer with a diffuser attachment is fine, but you’ll want some kind of blow dry product as heat protection and to speed things up.

    5. I’ve never dealt with dandruff so I don’t want to speak to products, but I will say that I never quite got the appeal of diffusers, but then I got a Shark blow dryer last year and the diffuser that it came with totally changed my mind. The length of the tines adjusts, and that seems to make a huge difference for the quality of my curly blow-dry.

    6. I really like using Ouai Clarifying Detox Shampoo 1-2x per week on my oily curly hair. I alternate it with either a standard shampoo or sometimes an Rx shampoo depending on how flakey my scalp is.
      The Ouai is pricey but I bought the travel size bottle first to test it out and I loved it. They sell a refill “bag” that is much better value per oz and I use it to refill the travel bottle every once in awhile.

    7. Get her doctor to prescribe a dandruff shampoo. I have seborrhoeic dermatitis that mostly affects my face, but also a little at my hairline, so I use a prescription shampoo on my face and hairline. The really important part is that you need to leave it on for at least 5 minutes, you can’t just wash your face/hair with it and rinse immediately- maybe even head and shoulders will be enough if you try that. It’s annoying to have to take the time, but necessary if I don’t want to have an itchy, flaky face. I then just use a regular shampoo to actually wash my hair.

    8. I had a bad case of dandruff several years ago and used 2% ketoconazole shampoo (prescription) twice a week for 3 months. You leave it on for 5 minutes before rinsing. I used my regular conditioner. Nizoral is 1% and worth trying but if she’s not seeing improvement in 4-6 weeks you may consider the stronger version. I used H&S or other dandruff shampoos on the other days. It’s also important to really scrub the scalp with your fingertips to loosen the skin flakes. Dandruff is a mild form of seborrheic dermatitis and may be caused by type of fungus called malassezia. Everyone has this on their scalp but it overgrows on some people. It can take months to resolve. Even today I use a dandruff shampoo (H&S selenium, blue bottle) once a week to keep it in check. I have curly hair and use a Conair dryer/diffuser.

    10. I diffuse my roots at night! If she’s sleeping with wet hair it can definitely cause issues. putting the diffuser at low heat on her roots to dry them will really help!

    12. I had terrible dandruff growing up. I finally figured out in my 20s that I was allergic to sodium laurel sulfate. Once I cut it out (also from toothpaste!, from regular soap, dish soap, etc.) my scalp really settled down.

    13. Would a hooded dryer help b/c it focuses on the scalp? It does take up more space than a typical dryer, diffusing or otherwise.

  4. I was a bit too honest in an “anonymous “ employ survey yesterday and I’m feeling guilty. Among the points:

    1. The biggest downside to my job: zero advancement opportunities. (my boss has told me as much, but I didnt say he said that.)

    2. The biggest way the company does not support my “mental,
    Physical or financial wellbeing”: raises that are below the rate of inflation are not good for my financial wellbeing.

    3. Why don’t I use AI more: I understand the technology but in order to truly streamline my workflow I’d have to defer to an AI work product without verifying it. (Ethically, I need to verify everything in the brief. I’m swearing under the penalty of perjury. I get that AI creates any amazing “deck” about SMART goal initiatives and company culture or whatever the HR people do. This is not the same thing.)

    How much grief have I just created for myself ? I said honest positive things too, but I’m not usually this candid.

    2. I think your complaints are general enough that they could come from practically any department, so I wouldn’t sweat it.

    3. It honestly depends on if your company lied about the anonymous part. Some HR take it seriously, some HR are yes men and will throw you under the bus.

      1. but sometimes yes men type people just run a survey to check that box, and then don’t do anything with the responses!

    5. I don’t think your comments will offend anyone, but I also never fill out company surveys because they can do more harm than good for an individual. They are not anonymous. I know people who have been fired for what they wrote in an anonymous survey (but they accused the organization of racism so that was a much bigger deal than what you wrote). Also, my co-workers and I have taken the time to share totally valid, constructive feedback and were ignored, so what’s the point? Most organizations just want to pat themselves on the back.

      1. A senior person told me they figure out who completed the survey by comparing the writing style of short response questions to emails from their employees. Even if it’s technically anonymous you still can’t trust it.

        1. This is true. I’ve done enough 360s as a leader and seen surveys that it’s easy to tell who wrote what. I fill out the surveys and never leave comments unless positive.

    6. Don’t feel guilty.

      I hear you on the AI point. Idk if it’s worth the hype. My firm recently had a litigation-focused training session for our AI; I was really looking forward to learning about how it could help me. When they asked for use cases, they shot down pretty much all of them. Spent more time telling people how NOT to use it then how to use it.

      1. I would have used AI on a private device to frame my answers so they did not match my writing style. Take that, AI stans!

    7. None of these are bad. As management, I hear this everyday and no one is wrong. They’re actually fact based statements (inflation and no promotion pathway). Unless you’re in a truly toxic workplace this is all standard and no one will blink twice.

      1. +1
        All the things you said are objectively true and as long as you’re not naming names or being mean about it those are things that leadership needs to be reminded of. If they’re going to retaliate for those kinds of concerns you need out anyway.

    8. 1) In my company the anonymous surveys really are anonymous.

      2) These are pretty general and mild. It’s okay to say critical things at work sometimes. Also I’m sure a lot of people feel this way.

  5. Checking in again on Germany:

    DH wants me to get reccomendation on specific Christmas markets in Bitte.
    Ideas?

    1. I don’t have a specific recommendation since I haven’t been. But I’d start by getting a list of markets, and then looking online for photos of past years to get a sense of them. (Sometimes I have good luck with flickr but any image search is worth trying.)

    2. You may not be getting responses because that doesn’t seem to be the name of any place in Germany.

      2. oops- thank you for pointing that out!
        it is Bitte area/neighborhood within Berlin.

        2. Do you mean Mitte? Bitte is German for “please” but I don’t think it’s a neighbourhood.

          2. some links in mod. Btw Mitte means middle in German- it’s simply the center of Berlin.

    3. OP, I used to live in Germany and, like others, have never heard of and could not find a town called Bitte. Could you mean Bitburg, home of the famous beer? They do have a Christmas market (Weihnachtsmarkt in German). Also, Bitburg is not far from Trier, the oldest city in Germany, which has a market of its own. Hope this helps.

    5. Gendarmenmarkt has a large Christmas market but it charges a fee.

      As a semi-local person (family there), may I suggest something a little different?
      The Tierpark in East Berlin (not the Zoo!) has a light show in the winter every year after dark. You book timed entry and it is magical. We have family there and do it every year. There is a winter village with ice skating, Bratwurst, Glühwein etc.
      https://www.weihnachten-im-tierpark.de/

      Another one is winter lights in the botanical garden in Berlin Dahlem – depending on where in Mitte you stay, this might be worth a short trip on the S-Bahn. You follow a walking path and can stop by little huts with hot wine and various snacks.
      https://www.christmas-garden.de/berlin/

  6. Help me with my indecision!

    We’ve been in our house for 15 years and plan to get our main living area repainted soon, as we’re noticing some general wear and tear. I am torn on whether to change the color. I really like our main color, but it has always been darker than I initially anticipated, and sometimes I wish we had more brightness. If I want to lighten things up, now would be the time. If I wanted to stay in the same color family, I could “move up” one level on the paint chip and would probably be happy with it. But, maybe it’s time for a new look entirely? What are your favorites these days? A warm white is appealing, but picking out whites is HARD.

    The fireplace wall has an accent color (SW Riverway, which I still like.) I think it adds some good contrast and interest to the room, but I will admit that it somewhat limits decor choices (though it’s neutral enough that many colors look good with it.) I don’t totally get the hate for accent walls when they make sense, but maybe it’s time to move on.

    1. I love setting plaster by farrow and ball. It’s a warm pinky beige that everyone looks good in. It also plays well with other rooms. All over the design instagram now if you need inspiration.

      1. I have Calamine in my living room. I don’t get a lot of light in there so it was brighter for me than setting plaster.

    4. We chose Benjamin Moore Cotton Balls and it’s been great – looks so good and slightly warm in rooms with both strong sunlight and dark corners. Check out the blog Laurel Bern Interiors for advice.

    5. Just searching it looks like Sherwin Williams Dover White, Snowbound and Creamy While all coordinate with Riverway. I would buy the Sampelize sheets of those 3 plus the “move up” color. Stick those 4 on your wall and pick your favorite of the 5 options.

    6. I used SW Greek Villa all over my house five years ago and am still very happy with it.

  7. Are Parke sweatshirts big with middle school, high school, or college age girls? I’m seeing a lot of them around my town, but I live near a middle school and high school and university. I have a niece who I’d buy one for if they’re trendy for her age group.

    1. They are a hyper-specific trend in certain places and social groups. On any given day at least 50% of the female students at the college where I work are wearing Parke sweatshirts. I asked my daughter if she wanted one, and she said she would never live it down if she showed up on her college campus in one.

      1. This is super helpful information. Thank you! My niece is in college but not the one that’s in my town. I was thinking I could buy one as a surprise for her because it costs more than she would ever spend on a sweatshirt, but I will ask before buying.

    2. Anine Bing is another trendy sweatshirt brand. Bloomingdale’s recently had them 25% off sale. Some are less “in your face” than others.

  8. I’m considering planning a trip to St. George, Utah as a base for a fun, family-friendly desert trip. We’d fly from SF to Las Vegas, drive from there, and ideally hit up some state parks too (such as Valley of Fire, which I’ve heard great things about). Any thoughts on lodging and destinations for a family of 3 that is outdoorsy, but within reason (our son will be 2.5 by when we would go, which would be spring 2027). We’d like to hike, swim, and trade off mountain biking. Would especially appreciate lodging recs.

    1. Valley of Fire is amazing! We went on a whim a few years ago, and were totally blown away. I highly recommend it!

    2. I’ve spent a lot of time in that part of the world, but mostly free dispersed camping sites.
      What sort of lodging are you looking for? Because you can get anything from “fire pit and parking in the middle of the desert for free” to luxury resorts.
      As for activities, Snow Canyon state park is a really fun one with good variety (Jenny’s canyon is a family-friendly slot canyon hike, super easy and accessible if the weather is good, plus the lava tubes are fun). Zion is annoyingly crowded, so only go if you get permits for something good. There are some fun rock art sites out west of St George that you can wander around and don’t take all day, and are in the neighborhood of some good biking trails. If you want to swim in a lake instead of a pool, Quail Creek state park would be my vote.

      1. We’re not luxury people – we like camping and basic, clean hotels, although we’re now more interested in ones with suite options and/or Airbnbs (sigh) to have room for all of us. We’d rather glamp than camp for this trip.

        1. Zion Ponderosa has some pretty good options if you’re leaning more glamping, with various levels of amenities. I would also look at the places available on hipcamp – it’s like airbnb but for the camping/outdoorsy set. Half the places on there are RV sites, but there’s plenty of glamping stuff – little cabins or yurts.
          Note that these recommendations are from a mom that prefers to sleep in the same space as the kids when traveling and doesn’t mind spending the evening out on the porch or turning in early. So if you want a separate sleep space for your son, my recommendations are bad.

    3. I went to Valley of Fire as a day trip from Vegas and really loved it. I’ll just caution you about the weather – I know you can google, but the heat and water requirements are not to be underestimated. If by spring you mean May or June (or even April TBH), you’ll need to be planning early morning hikes only.

    4. I was gonna recommend the Utah Shakespeare Festival in nearby Cedar City, but with a 2.5 yo that’s not going to happen. Posting anyway in case anybody else is interested — the shows are great and not all of them are Shakespeare.

    5. There are tons of glamping options between St. George and Zion. If “Spring” means March or April, Zion won’t be too crowded. I’ve stayed in the lodge in the park a couple of times and it was amazing. You have the park to yourself after the last shuttle leaves. You can get spots at the lodge by looking for cancellations. As far as St. George goes, there are Airbnbs everywhere, at every price point. Snow Canyon is fabulous. In St. George, Pioneer Park is worth spending a couple of hours at and Thunder Junction All Abilities Park is a good pit stop. There is a bike trail that runs through the center which would be a good way to spend the day. Bryce Canyon could be worth your time if you are there enough days. It’s a magical place that is larger and and far less busy than Zion. Kodachrome Basin is right next door and has good camping and a unique flavor. There are world class mtn biking opportunities near Bryce as well. If you go up towards Cedar City, you can go to the north entrance of Zion, called Kolob Canyons. It has several great hikes and is never busy. I love the Kannaraville Falls hike. Eat at the Beaver Creamery if you head north.

    6. We stayed in Springdale with our teenagers when we went a few years back. I’m pretty sure it was Zion Park Motel – you could definitely find something slightly nicer but it was pleasant and we had to get two rooms so we were more price-conscious than we would have been for one room. Years ago I stayed in the cabins in Zion but I’m sure that’s something where you have to book super far in advance. Everything seemed really family friendly (LDS influence I’m sure) but also lots of places had huge COFFEE signs so us Gentiles could get our non-soda caffiene fixes.

    1. Eat. Tons of wonderful restaurants.

      I didn’t love the Charleston Museum, but I’d still go again because I’m a museum person and it was good enough.

    2. Agree with eat. The Old Slave Mart Museum is worth a visit.
      also depends what climate you’re coming from, but the south never gets that cold so as a Midwesterner it didn’t feel like rain prevented us being outdoors. But YMMV.

    4. The tea plantation tour is in covered trolley. It was much more interesting than I expected it to be. I might not visit during a hurricane, but a little rain should be fine.

  11. Help. I grew up in a poor, abusive home, but left and am doing very well actually. I finally told my last childhood friend that I can’t listen to her talk about certain subjects anymore because it unfortunately puts me in a bad place. For example, she was calling me and keeping me on the phone for five hours reliving all the ways her mother abused her (been there & recovered—don’t need the trip down memory lane). Of course, I put it kindly and made it about my own limitations but I haven’t heard from her since and she’s unfriended me on social media.

    Here’s what I need your help with. I’ve always attracted this type of person, but finally I’m free from them. I think it’s needed for my own mental health. Now something’s missing! I’m filling in the gap by reading poverty finance posts and such on Reddit and anything about housing insecurity particularly draws me in … I’m obsessed with this nonsense! I also try to find someone in my life to worry about. I feel I should be enjoying my life! Instead I’m looking for suffering and worry and wanting to help others. How do I turn my thoughts to myself for a change and the things I can enjoy from my comfortable, secure position in life these days? Any tips for spending time more productively than worrying about others? Tips for refocusing my attention in the moment? Where do you find joy? Please don’t tell me I need to do more for others as it’s my fatal flaw lol.

    1. Join a choir! That’s where I’m finding joy these days. Turns out there are a million choirs out there if you just look for them, and a lot of them take beginning singers. It gives you someplace to be once a week, it gives your brain something to do, it’s music and music is objectively the best thing there is, and if you don’t make friends while singing with them in a choir, it’s because you’re trying really hard not to make friends!!

    2. I find it helpful to consider if I’m actually in a position to help and want to help in this way or if I’m engaging in something like misery tourism.

      I have a plan for how I help others (both money and time) and try to stick with the plan. I can adjust as I see fit, but it’s helpful if an organization can count on me year after year for support.

    3. I find it hard to just stop doing something and much easier to substitute one habit for another. For example, when you find yourself heading to poverty literature, could you substitute a different genre of interesting writing? Celebrity fashion or Star Wars Fan Fic, for example, are lovely guilty pleasures that may not drag you down in the same way that poverty posts do..

    4. Lean in to your hobbies? And if you find yourself drawn to do something for others, find a structured volunteer opportunity where you can plug in, but stick with a limited role (something like sorting books for a single hour each week, not solving all the organization’s problems and not making it a part time job).

    5. Also someone who grew up poor and is now objectively not.

      I find it really helpful to work on the more administrative side of some kind of charity. Like, washing sheets for the local warming center or organizing the food drive, not actually giving out food or supervising overnight. As soon as I see the individuals, I get so emotionally caught up in their problems I spiral. But if I don’t do anything I feel bad and start getting caught up in other people’s problems. Doing ONE consistent thing that does help but keeps me a little distant from the people experiencing the issues is what is best for my mental health so I don’t get caught in the crab bucket. Whenever I start worrying that I could help more, I remind myself that I can’t do everything and I have committed to do X. And I also need to do

    6. If you don’t know what you enjoy doing (that’s not about poverty or suffering), hunt up some classes in your area and just start taking some: photography, pottery, etc. Take up a new sport or outdoor activity. Start going to concerts or lectures. Visit every state park in your area. Or every pie shop. Or hunt up some meet ups, pub quizzes, game-night groups, book clubs, etc.

      (Also, therapy; you’re now in a comfortable secure external position in life, but your thoughts, emotions, and fixations are still stuck in the past.)

      1. Yes to all of this. If you are looking to make new friends, finding an activity that meets regularly and showing up every week is the key.

    7. Maybe also consider ways to block Reddit and other places that tend to suck you into that headspace. I find that I get easily sucked into posts and reels on people behaving badly, which does not help my mental state. So I use an app to block access to the Reddit app, blocked the Reddit website through my iphone settings, and delete social media apps during the week and have limits on them during the weekend. I feel better for avoiding them, I just needed a little help to actually do that.

    8. Hobbies! Is there anything you have always wanted to learn to do, or an activity that looks fun? Any talents you’ve wanted to explore? I think going to classes is a great way to get started with something new, especially if you’re worried about sticking with it. The possibilities are endless.

      And maybe, after a while and when you’re able to set better boundaries, you can consider a structured volunteering activity. One where you’re working on a mission you care about but not directly interacting with individuals in need might be good. You’ll get the benefits of doing something of value for others but it’s not just perseverating on others’ misfortune in a way that is draining and ultimately unproductive.

    9. I’m sorry you’re going through this but I’m glad to hear I’m not alone. I also grew up in an abusive home and have spent my entire adult life attracting broken people who don’t want to fix themselves. I’m also finally (at 42) free of drama and I find myself wanting to reach out to old friends… who would probably still be drama central.

      Understanding where that urge comes from doesn’t make it any easier to fight, imho. Distraction helps.

    10. This is something I can relate to. I am assuming that you still have the appropriate support (therapist/meds if needed, friends who understand). What helped me was volunteering. You are amazing and fortunate to have freed yourself. You can give back a lot. Work with children or the elderly if you feel you will be drawn back in too much by someone closer to your age. You can be an amazing source of hope for others.

    11. This is a put on your oxygen mask before you help others kind of situation, you are absolutely fine to take a break from any sort of helping endeavour.

      Choir singing is well documented as an excellent source of joy and calmness. If you google choir singing and oxytocin, vagus nerve, heart and breathing rhythm you can find some of the many studies about why singing in a choir is good for you.

      Spending time in or living close to green areas has also been studied as a source or good mental and physical health. Go for walks in parks and look at nature and the horizon.

      Learn to knit. Knitting is well known to reduce stress, calm your mind, the use of both arms in a crossing motion is good for you, and you get to creative and mindful. Other creative hobbies are good too, but knitting is quite well studied and there are loads of classes, knit&stitch groups and online tutorials.

      If you want to read an excellent book about taking care of yourself and be kind yourself and any trauma, Who Deserves Your Love by KC Davis is great. The audiobook is great.

    12. The ACA program has been a game changer for me . I am a helper to my own dismay. I am learning ways in which to attend to my inner child and teenager who is so desperately want to be able to fix things.
      I look at it this way I can go to one meeting for an hour and I never have to go back and that was my own experience. I went to one meeting and it’s three years later and I go back every week.

      You can do this !

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