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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Side-Ruched Midi Dress

A woman wearing a black short-sleeved dress and a small necklace

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Comfortable, machine-washable dresses that can be dressed up, dressed down, and accessorized in a variety of ways are the pillars of my wardrobe. This side-ruched dress from Boden looks like it could be a hero piece for me.

I could see myself wearing this on a work trip by pairing it with a denim jacket on the plane, tossing on a blazer for a meeting, and then cozying up with a giant cardigan for the trip home. Three outfits, one base piece. What a dream!

The dress is $98 at Boden and comes in sizes 2–22. Besides black, it's also available in “tomato” and “palm leaf.”

P.S. Happy Ramadan to those who celebrate!

Sales of note for 12.5

307 Comments

  1. How does one negotiate a sign on bonus? Do you just ask the recruiter if the company is willing to offer one? Do you name a number? And of they say they don’t do sign on bonuses, is it just “well I tried” or do you keep lowering it? If I get this job, I could really benefit from a sign on bonus because I’m going to need to buy a new wardrobe. Even $2k would be better than nothing. I’ve discussed base bay expectations with the recruiter already and it would be around $160k. I’m not sure what’s appropriate to ask for.

    1. I don’t think this is a thing you can ask for 🤔 I think an employer offers it when they feel the circumstances are right.

      Can you thrift a few items until your first paychecks come in?

      1. Oh you can totally ask for it!!!! We’ve done one on request when we were not able to adjust the actual salary.

        1. This. I got one when I got a new job and they changed the title to a lower level than expected.

    2. Are signing bonuses standard in your industry? If not, it would be pretty weird to ask.

    3. You can ask, but I’m hearing a lot of companies aren’t doing them right now. They’re generally a tool in a hot market but with all the layoffs right now, there’s no need.

        1. On person’s opinion? Yes, many other sectors that are staring down the the face of a recession. Finance, real estate, anything tied to those transaction spaces where there are meaningfully fewer transactions, to start. This is not / will not be isolated to tech. I don’t think it’ll be ’08 but it’s coming.

    4. I’ve gotten a signing bonus when leaving my current position midyear would mean forgoing some of my bonus at my current company. I’ve also gotten it when they are lower than they know I want on the base pay. But in those situations, they’ve offered it, I didn’t ask. Honestly, I’m not sure needed new clothes is a viable reason to ask. Get a credit card, buy new clothes, pay off when you start getting paid. If they salary they’re offering is realistic for the job, there’s no reason to give you a signing bonus.

    5. I wouldn’t give a sign on bonus so someone could buy a wardrobe. That’s what your salary is for. If it’s a cash flow issue, thrift stores, Poshmark, borrowing from friends, or even putting a few new pieces on a credit card and paying it off with your first paycheck are all options.

      1. Well, the op need not say anything about a wardrobe…asking for a signing bonus could be part of salary negotiation.

        1. The point is that signing bonuses are usually paid for a reason – a tight market, can’t quite match comp now, leaving 401k match or bonus on the table. There’s little reason for the company to give her one.

    6. In my industry, bonuses are paid in December. So if you are getting someone to start in the third or fourth quarter of the year, you have to induce a person to walk away from a bonus and often need to wait until January or make a signing bonus offer. Not sure if that rationale applies here.

    7. I would prefer a higher salary than a sign on bonus. My current job offered me in the 90’s and I immediately turned them down. They came up another $10K plus a $5K bonus. I think a sign on bonus is just to entice you to join the company but not commit to the higher salary which determines your bonus and raises going forward.

      1. That is true, but doesn’t mean you shouldn’t negotiate a sign-on bonus, especially when salary negotiations are at a standstill.

    8. You should have some kind of rationale. I’ve gotten one every time, but I asked for it because of the bonus I’d be missing (and worded it carefully such that my sign in was >> my would have been bonus). It could also be to make up for other benefits, or moving expenses.

      Absent those reasons, you could just say, “and does the role come with a signing bonus?”

    9. Sign on bonuses are reserved for exceptional candidates and they are quite scarce these days. You will be making plenty of money with which to buy new clothes.

    10. I had a sign on bonus of sorts when I started my job because I told the new company that I would be missing out on my bonus from my old company based on when I was leaving and when our bonuses were paid out. I told them approximately what the bonus amount would be and then let them determine how much to pay (they did the full amount but it was in the low 4 figures so nothing outrageous).

    11. Would it be more “acceptable” to ask, if you are moving from out of state? So I guess, a relocation bonus?

      1. It’s always fine to ask but it’s not as likely to be something you’ll get in this market. It’s a tool in a tight market to poach talent.

    12. Sign-on bonuses are for money you can demonstrate you are leaving behind. So that’s usually bonus that is earned but not yet paid out, but it can also be something like a 401k match if there’s a waiting period for your new company (this is likely to be a small amount though.). Can you demonstrate anything like this?

      1. Or something you’ve already asked for that they can’t provide like a title change or an early review

    13. Most common when new employer realizes what you’re leaving on the table at old. Might be harder to negotiate in early spring since most people just received year-end bonuses, i.e., the thing most commonly used to justify a sign-on if you’re leaving later in the year, prior to them being paid.

    14. Might need to know the industry. I’m in management consulting where we absolutely pay signing bonuses. Most of the advice on this thread is hot garbage, particularly suggesting the items purchased with the bonus determine the need for the bonus… what?!? No. You should negotiate your total comp package based on your value, it’s none of the company’s business what you spend your money on! I think the suggestion to ask the company if the company package includes a sign on bonus is a good one – put the ball in their court.

  2. I deeply dislike all of these shoes – they look less like ballet flats (except the Chanel and the last one) and more just like ugly flats! Thoughts?

    3. I don’t like these particular examples, but I think the goal with newer styles of ballet flats these days is that they cover your foot more, which I’m here for.

      1. Agreed. I never loved ballet flats, they always seemed so flimsy. And I noticed that in many women, they often weren’t sturdy enough to contain the foot, so you’d see the sides of their feet feet basically smashing down the edges of the shoe. That can’t have been comfortable.

        The things have no support, either. And the very rounded toe ballet flats made people’s feet look like paws. I never understood why they were so popular. Most of them never looked “polished,” which seems to be a major thing around here.

      2. And for me, the trend of covering more of my foot makes my already stumpy legs look even stumpier. That’s why there are so many flavors, I guess.

    4. I’m team never ballet flats, but I like the ones from The Row and Reike Nen, probably because they don’t look like a round-toe ballet flat. I’ve also seen some with pleated leather and no bow and/or blocked square toes that look like pointe shoes that are fantastic. But I tend to like shoes that are less delicate and more of a statement. YMMV.

    5. I think if I wanted something along these lines, I would skip these shoes and go with something from Amalfi by Rangoni (more comfortable, more structured, more polished).

    6. Wearing ballet flats in the early 2010s ruined my feet, giving me plantar fasciitis. They have no support whatsover and wear out quickly Pass!

      1. I think they’re the worst of both worlds. They offer little arch support, your feet are exposed to the cold, and they cause hot spots where the shoe rubs against your foot. High heels have the same drawbacks but at least they’re cuter than ballet flats.

    7. I’d wear the Chanel and the raffia ones. A high vamp is easier for me to wear as I’m a walk out of my shoes kind of person, and on my big feet, it doesn’t look quite as closed-in.

  3. Looking to crowdsource ideas– My husband is hosting a bachelor party for his BFF, and is looking for activity ideas. They are renting a house in the woods in Vermont (groom’s request). My husband is aiming to do one or two activities, but the house is in the middle of nowhere, so my husband is struggling to come up with ideas. He is having a chef come to cook dinner one night, but is looking for another/alternate activity to do. 12 guys, mid-30s, they like drinking and nerdy stuff. I feel like there must be other fun activities to do at home leftover from lockdown times, but we’re both pretty stumped. Any ideas?

    3. Hiking. Wine or whiskey tasting – he could arrange with a wine shop to pick the bottles and then Zoom with them to talk through the options (or provide notes). Elaborate board game. But I wouldn’t put a lot of pressure on – presumably the spot was chosen because the groom just wants to chill with friends.

      1. +1

        Some sort of “tasting” of alcohol and poker is always well received.
        Adding a chef cooked meal is amazing.

        1. Finding a chef in the middle of the woods in Vermont is … unlikely. That’s just not a thing out here.

    5. Stuff my husband and his friends would do at the house in this circumstance: trivia, casino night (cards, dice, etc.), drinking games, bring a couple of video gaming consoles, have a movie night. Other activities: hike, go shooting (targets and/or clays, ranges will have guns and an instructor), fish, or go inner tubing/kayaking/canoeing/something on a river/lake. Anon’s suggestion of ATVs is also a good one.

        1. I feel like Codenames is an easy, fun crowdpleaser game that doesn’t take hours. At one bachelorette party the maid of honor got a puzzle made with a ridiculous picture of the bride which was another short, entertaining activity.

          Also I know you said the cabin is in the middle of nowhere but I also had to plan a middle of nowhere cabin bachelorette weekend a few years ago (in NH, not Vermont) and was surprised how many weird activities there were in a 25 min drive. For example, a surprisingly large arcade. Where in Vermont are they going to be?

        3. For silly party games, lately I’ve enjoyed Anomia (a yelling game!), Ransom Notes (magnetic poetry meets CAH?), and Wavelengths (a “mind reading” game). They’re all low investment in terms of time/learning rules, which I think is important in most party situations.

    6. What time of year? Taking a DND quest or elevated, nerdy scavenger hunt outside might be fun if it’s not arctic. Or capture the flag.

    9. Since you mentioned the chef, I’m assuming this is evening/night activities they’re looking for? Daytime is pretty obvious: hiking, outdoor games like baggo or football.

      For the evenings/night, I’ve heard of video game trucks being a thing for kids’ birthday parties – if they’re into video games, there may be an adult version where they load the consoles with adult games.

      Fire pit/campfire is always a classic. He could look up fun things to cook over a campfire other than s’mores (though obviously s’mores also).

      Board games obv. Poker if they play.

      I wonder if there is a more rugged of a paint-n-sip that involves, like, wood carving with power tools.

        1. Axe throwing and power tool activities would be out, of course, if alcohol or recreational drugs are part of the weekend menu.

          1. Most axe throwing places are connected to bars/serve alcohol, so it would not “of course” be out if they are drinking.

        1. My kid went to a birthday party with one of those and it was amazing.

          Honestly I’d say buy a Nintendo switch and a bunch of remote game controllers and do a very big multiplayer game of Mario Kart. Should be easy enough to hook into whatever TV is at the house, especially with a bunch of nerdy dudes on hand.

          1. Do it on a projector in the backyard (if there are no neighbors to bother, that is).

    10. How far are there from a lake or river? Could rent a boat for a lake or go fly fishing. Also, virtual trivia I am sure is still around – divide into two teams.

    11. How about bocce ball? It’s a yard game that combines well with drinking (I think you can get set for $20-$30). Also, board games are a great idea – particularly something like Cards Against Humanity which can be a little naughty (not sure if it’s still popular).

        1. Jackbox games is cheap and you can play off your phones. They have trivia, drawing/pictionary etc. We play it with family, but it can easily get more adult/foolish depending on the crowd.

    13. Along the lines of wine/whiskey tasting — go lowbrow and do a blind taste test of different light beers. We’ve done this in the past and it’s amazing how many people choose Natty Ice!

      2. You could add in a blindfolded taste test of an unchilled white wine with a red wine and expensive vs cheap — research has shown that even experts have a hard time telling the difference in the absence of color and temperature information, but people get really adamant about their abilities! This is a fun write up of an experiment: https://oldblog.erikras.com/2012/06/11/blindfolded-wine-taste-test

        And the assessment of the research that says that’s actually a pretty good experiment: http://winegourd.blogspot.com/2019/07/can-we-find-out-whether-we-really-can.html

    17. Brewery tour. I’ve see mini busses in Burlington that do this. Follow up with a meal in a good restaurant.

  4. I recently inherited an employee that is incredibly difficult to manage, and I would appreciate any and all thoughts or resources before I need to turn to HR. This person has great expertise and their work product is good. However, their communications are difficult. When this person is asked a question, whether from an executive, their manager or a peer, the response is lengthy (think 6+ paragraphs) without answering the question or is met with a variation of “why do you need to know” or “I’m not telling you that information.” This person is defensive in all communications, which makes others at the company reluctant to engage this person. This person has had strained relationships that have previously escalated to HR. Any attempts at coaching are met with lengthy and defensive communications. When this person’s prior manager and I were trying to help with workload, this person would literally throw up their hands and say “well, I guess you know better than me.” Last night, this person emailed a client pointing a finger at a team mate. When I reached out to this person privately to say that it was not appropriate, I received a response of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” I’m at a loss on how to deal with this person.

    1. I have seen remarkable turnarounds from people who attend Center for Creative Leadership. It’s not cheap, but it’s effective.

        1. You can google the company. It offers several programs. Basically participants are anonymously reviewed by people they interact with regularly – strengths and weaknesses in technical skills, written communications, verbal communications, and so on. The participant completes the same review. Then the group walks people through the difference between how they perceive themselves and how others perceive them. Breakout groups with similar issues lead by a staff member – they are mostly all PhD in psychology people. Then sent home with a summary and specific steps to improve weaknesses and unrealized strengths.

          2. In this instance, that seems like a lot of money and time to invest in somebody who just sounds like a crappy employee.

          3. I worked on an executive team that sent the execs to this place. The difficult people didn’t change. And it was challenging for the rest of us to decide whether to be candid when supplying supposedly anonymous feedback.

    2. Depending on your office/HR culture, since this person is a known entity, it sounds like this is a good time for you to talk to HR about what strategies they recommend. “Paul is good at his job, but XYZ are huge problems. Do you have any recommendations for how to handle?” (If your office is only good for formal discipline, disregard. But my HR would be happy to have a chance to demonstrate some of their training.)

      1. You can ask, but ultimately this is not HR’s job. You are the manager. You need to give useful feedback to the employee about the issue and come up with tactical solutions for them to improve. HR may be able to direct you to some resources the company has as far as training modules, but HR is not responsible for performance managing your employee.

    3. Sounds like you’ve done what you could and they aren’t taking you seriously (presumably because there has been no consequence for heir behavior and they know you like the work product). Now you need to decide what consequences you’re willing to impose – e.g. until there is improvement they need to get client comms approved first, or are taken off certain projects, or impacts their bonus or raise potential, or if there isn’t substantial improvement within X timeframe they are fired. I’d work with HR to figure out what makes sense and how to structure the PIP and then explain it to the employee. If you aren’t willing to impose consequences, there won’t be change – sometimes people feel an employee is so valuable that’s worth it but not clear that makes sense here.

      1. +1 Why has this person gotten away with this behavior for so long?! Put them on a PIP and fire them if they can’t grow up and behave.

        1. Agreed. Think about whether you can afford to lose the person. If so, put them on a PIP now. There have been lots of tech/biotech layoffs in my area. If there are existing PIPs/documentation, it’s much easier to decide who gets let go. Otherwise it might have to be last in, first out with someone you’d prefer to keep.

          Also, if you show them you’re serious, they might actually turn it around. If they’ve never been challenged, then it’s like toddlers/dogs and learned behavior that they are so good at their job that they don’t have to change.

      2. “sometimes people feel an employee is so valuable that’s worth it but not clear that makes sense here”

        Also, I feel like you can develop someone else into a valuable employee. There seems to be the idea that people are static (except when they suck at basic office norms, at which point, they are magically able to change). That’s not the case. Can you get a junior employee up to speed and take over this person’s functions? Hire someone else who is good and get them ramped up?

        1. People aren’t static and the flip side is that sometimes you can better manage performance. Instead of dwelling on past experiences, I’d try to do a clean slate mentally and look at ways you can lower some of the defensiveness. Instead of repeating behaviors that aren’t yielding results, try to attack it together. Ask the individual what they feel is and isn’t working and really listen. Ask what they think should be done and try to support or push back as you agree/disagree. Before you can coach, you need to try to build up some trust. People really can change but it requires the right approach.

    4. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an appropriate response to give to one’s manager. As a manager, my response would be to ignore that part and firmly reiterate that the original finger pointing in front of a client language is not ok and will not be tolerated again. If they do it again, bring in formal consequences.

    5. I am working with a person like that, and it’s a huge pain, so despite all their institutional knowledge, I’m delighted that they announced their retirement this year.
      I will tell you that what doesn’t work is promoting them to a more senior title in the hopes of motivating them to perform better.

    6. I feel like there needs to be a mechanism for things like poor internal communication and inappropriate client communication to be reflected in performance appraisals. It seems like this person is perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done to keep their job and I’m betting if it’s communicated that this is important enough to put their raise or employment on the line this person will shape up quickly.

    7. What is easier: getting this person to change or hiring an employee who knows workplace etiquette and can be trained to acquire the skills of PITA employee?

      Also, does this person also manage employees?

    8. IMO this person’s work product is not actually good, assuming being able to communicate information to coworkers and executives is part of their job. I would correct these things in the moment. They send a nonresponsive email? I call them to clarify the question and ask them to answer it. During the next 1-1, I would point out a couple recent examples of this conduct and explain expectations. E.g., “when Y asked you to provide information on ABC your response refused to answer the question. I’d like to understand why?” Then listen to their reasoning – sometimes it might make sense! Regardless, set expectations for this situation in the future. “When Y asks you for information on ABC, the expectation is that you provide it.” Or, “In the future, if someone asks you for information and you believe there is a legitimate reason not to provide it, please flag that to me so we can discuss.”

      More generally, I would have a clear conversation about communication expectations. The last example you gave is so out of line, and I would respond with something like, “To be clear, this is not about feelings. An expectation of this workplace is that you not do X.”

      HR might be able to help you word some of this stuff, and explain procedures for PIPs, but I think a lot of this is on you to explain and document initially. I would also keep your manager in the loop and push to start looking for a replacement as it sounds like this person is dragging down the team.

      1. “To be clear, this is not about feelings. An expectation of this workplace is that you not do X.”

        Damn, that’s good.

    10. I work in HR. Please start talking to HR. Given all the history and feedback/response to feedback that you’re describing here, I probably would start moving toward a PIP and the earlier you get your documentation in order the better. It breaks my spirit when managers show up wanting to fire someone for performance and it’s been going on for like a year but they haven’t written anything down and so it feels like it takes forever because they have to start from new. Unless there is more context than what you’ve shared, I don’t think training is going to be effective here – more of a will than skill issue.

    11. I would suggest figuring out in advance whether you ultimately are or are not willing/able to fire this person. It helps to be mentally clear about your final destination, and if that option is not on the table, it’s counterproductive to pretend that it is.

      If you are willing and able to fire, I would explicitly identify in coaching the “lengthy and defensive communications” and how they are unacceptable. The next time the employee launches into one, probably immediately, I would say “this is an example of what I mean.”

    12. Are you remote? Could you work in phone calls vs emails? People writing 6+ paragraphs should be spoken to in the phone instead.

      1. That jumped out at me, too. That’s usually a sign that routine communication isn’t happening enough. I’d be upping the frequency of check-ins. That also might help soften other communications and interactions. For example, the defensiveness on project load might have lessened if it wasn’t perceived as a special meeting to fix what they are doing vs a normal standing meeting where you’re collaboratively going over highs and lows of the weekly progress.

    13. Maybe they just shouldn’t be client-facing. Or a PIP, if you don’t truly need their expertise.

    14. I’m not a manager, but I feel like you’re not being direct enough. Tell them XYZ behavior is unacceptable and there are going to be consequences if it continues. Then enforce the consequences.

      1. yes, i think pointing out a pattern – with specific examples – and then discussing how the pattern must stop (or PIP?) is key. it’s too easy for them to dismiss if it sounds like a one-off. Focus on the pattern and how the pattern is a problem,.

    15. Obviously this is not a new problem, so I’m wondering if this employee is being protected by someone higher up? I’ve worked in places where the culture is very risk-averse, so it is hard to implement a real PIP, because HR prevents any meaningful consequences. Is that the situation here?

      If that’s what you’re facing, I would meet with your manager to agree on a strategy. You probably need to build a lot of structure around it, with written warnings, progress meetings, and escalations. But you need backing from higher up, and you need to know what consequences are truly available should the employee choose not to take the PIP seriously.

      Good luck.

    17. Why don’t you want to involve HR? You should have involved them before the conversation that led to the “I’m sorry you feel that way” response. Put employee on a plan. Be super clear with assignments – “your answer needs to contain these elements and I need to review it before it goes out” – and document, document, document.

      2. The only reason to go to HR is to protect the company and/or yourself (e.g., a harassment situation that must be reported) or to get someone fired.

  5. I am a partner at a small law firm. I’ve been out of school about 10 years. Im proud of myself for making it this far (lots of firsts in my family, and my firm, etc.) but – I feel like I’ve hit an income cap or plateau. I make slightly more than an associate at bigger firms, although I do have much better work life balance. I bill about 60% as much as I used to when I was an associate, mostly because I no longer get work from in the firm (revenue/sharing/partner money reasons). I am willing to work more but I think I need to market differently. All the rainmaking books I’ve read seem really hard to implement post pandemic. Suggestions?

    1. I saw a really cool piece of advice from a law firm partner recently, which was: “You don’t want to go find clients; you want them to find you. You want to be the person they think of.” What this suggests to me is the power of getting your name out there – post on LinkedIn, put on CLEs, speak at conferences (trust me, I’ve been a conference organizer and if you’re vaguely an expert in your field and willing to volunteer your time, they’ll put you on some panel, esp. as a woman), go on podcasts, reach out to journalists who cover your area of expertise and let them know you’re available as a resource (trust me, I’ve been a journalist, and if you find someone with reasonable credentials who is willing to give a quote on the record, that’s all you need).

      Does your firm have a marketing department? What do they think?

      1. Agree with all of this. Small firm here as well (very small), and I do not even have a website. I have a niche practice (really, a niche within a niche), and I have all the work I want to do by word of mouth. I’ve been practicing more than 20 years, though, so expect it to take a few more years. But if you are good at what you do and do anything to get your name out there, work will eventually find you. I am shocked to find out how many lawyers are not really good at what they do, though, so the first order of business is to make sure your skill set is up to snuff.

      2. +1

        This is great advice.

        Even doing some things in the community can be helpful. For example, in my town there are some organized activities that focus around seniors / needs of seniors. Rarely, a real estate attorney will give a free talk on “transitions” – how/when to downsize, what to keep in mind, how to pack essentials and get rid of the rest, who to hire to help with the process, where seniors tend to move etc… Or an Elder Care Attorney gives a talk on basic estate planning. Or a Tax Attorney gives a presentation with our town’s adult education series on “Tax changes for 2022” or “How to think about taxes and retirement”. They tend to be very popular, if the talks are advertised well, and they hand out their cards at the end of the talks. And I think they tend to get a lot of business because people are more willing to hire someone they have met/heard speak/who seems interested in the community/who seems nice!

        Sorry if this is off base and you want all the corporate work.

  6. Does anyone have any tips on how to participate in small group conversations where you just don’t have much to offer on the topic? I work frequently with a team of 3 guys. I like them a lot, and we get along great, but often the conversation goes on (at great length) and I just don’t really know what to say. For example, yesterday there was a long discussion about favorite baseball movies. I’ve certainly seen and enjoyed some baseball movies, but I guess not many, and most were many years ago, so I sort of sat there feeling dumb and self-conscious about not saying much of anything for quite a while. I’m pretty quiet and introverted anyway, so I’m not the person who can dominate conversations or change subjects, and things like this come up a lot. Any suggestions other than just nod politely and wait it out?

    1. Is there a way that you can slightly alter the conversation “I’m not a massive fan of baseball movies – but weirdly I love a winter sports film. Did you see the Eddie the Eagle film that came out a few years ago?”

      Alternatively, asking questions about the things that other people are interested in usually goes down well. “Was that based on a true story? Wow, inspirational” etc – but I struggle to make this sound non-disingenuous (‘ingenuous’?) personally.

    2. Ask questions! Most people feel good talking about themselves, so if you seem nice and interested, they’ll like you. Is there anything that’s interesting to you about what they’re saying or that you want more details about? You don’t have to have a relevant story of your own to participate in a conversation – being interested in the other participants will work just fine.

      You can also just say what you’re genuinely thinking! If there’s a good moment in the conversation, you can add what you’ve said here, “I’ve seen some baseball movies, but it was a pretty long time ago, so I’m feeling kind of clueless here.” Then add on a question that builds on your comment, “If you had to recommend one baseball movie I absolutely must watch this weekend – that you think I’d like – what would it be?”

      I don’t recommend completely changing the subject like another poster said, unless it’s clear the baseball movie conversation is winding down and moving in another direction wouldn’t be awkward.

      1. +1

        Ask questions! But it’s also ok to not particulate in every single conversation. I don’t really watch TV so I sit out a lot of conversations, and I still have friends somehow.

      2. I’m going to third asking questions. People love to talk about themselves, and after a conversation where a person mostly talked about themselves to an attentive listener, the talker will think “wow, I really like that person!”

  7. I’m looking for a website that has interesting articles that I can read on my phone when I want to relax but don’t want to get involved in a book. Nothing topical or political or cutesy, just sort of interesting stuff, like strange scientific phenomena or forgotten stories from history. I was reading a site called “DamnInteresting”, which I liked a lot, but they rarely update and I’ve exhausted the archives. I’m on a site called “HistoryToday”, which is OK, but I don’t find the articles very engaging or well-written. I haven’t much cared for Mental Floss and want to avoid anything with a BuzzFeed sort of feel.

    1. I now have the Substack app on my phone so I use time like that to catch up on the newsletters I read. Also I use PressReader to read magazines for free through my library card

    2. If you haven’t already, start going through the back catalog of Longform.org. They organize by subject matter. They no longer aggregate articles (CRY), but last time I checked, all the past years are still there.

    3. The New Yorker publishes a lot of stories like this. The top stories on the website or app tend to be timely or political, but there’s plenty of other stuff too (including personal essays, which I love).

    5. This may be weird/boring, but I read Wikipedia articles when I want a short, interesting article. I tend to just look up random things I’ve heard about lately, like the name of a minor celebrity or the name of a disease I saw a drug ad for on TV. I also do a lot of trivia competitions so this helps me learn about random stuff that might come up.

      Alternatively, for interesting long form articles, I really enjoy Texas Monthly.

    6. I watch makeup videos. Sometimes skincare videos. I find them mesmerizing. And my makeup and skincare have gotten better.

      I like Sali Hughes, Hannah Martin, Fiddy Snails (Jude Chao) and Erica Taylor on Instagram. I don’t have the patience for longer form YouTube tutorials. I prefer a natural makeup look on mature skin.

    7. I subscribe to a newsletter that aggregates a variety of longform journalism & it’s really good. I often open the articles in a bunch of tabs & then read them when I have time.
      They also have a great backlog of things to read.
      https://sundaylongread.com/

  8. How do you negotiate salary when moving positions internally? The position I would be moving to is in a completely different business line, but same title/level (though may have a management component). Current salary is at the very bottom of the posted salary range. If I were moving externally, I would expect to make 10-20% more.

    1. We have a standard internal lateral move raise policy of 5%, does this not exist in your organisation?

      3. I’ve not seen a standard lateral raise at any of the large companies I’ve worked for. In fact they usually want you to go flat, or if they can swing it, for you to drop down a job grade so you can “learn” the new role. Maybe that’s just for women – don’t get me started.

    2. Have you gotten the offer yet? If not, I’d wait to see where it comes in. Then if it’s not at a place in the range where you are satisfied, you could say something like, “Since the posted range for this position was X to Y, I was aiming for my salary to be closer to Y (or Y minus B, whatever you’re asking for), which I think is more in line with the value I’m bringing to this role, given my tenure with the company and the new scope I’d be taking on. Would that be possible?”

    3. You probably won’t get as much as an external move. I’d interview to see if you get the offer, then plan to let the recruiter know that you need a salary increase to make the move worthwhile. In my area, it’s pretty normal to get a decent pay bump even for internal moves, assuming you’re a strong candidate.

  9. Good morning!

    I have a call for a job that would be a BIG step toward my overall career goals. The person who reached out after my application was received and who I will be speaking with is a much more junior attorney. I would be their boss. It’s a fairly small-ish organization but I know they have an HR team. The department that I will lead is very small for the industry but in line with the growth of the org. Is it “normal” to be interviewed by a junior attorney that you may lead? It’s not been straight out stated as an interview. Although, a couple of recent first “interviews” have been deemed chats. Thoughts on this? I really want this role. How do I make the best impression here?

    1. I think that is a great sign that they respect juniors and take management seriously. I’d be prepared to treat it like an interview and have lots of questions ready for them – what can people in X role do to help the team succeed? What are some challenges you’ve faced and what kind of support do you need? Etc

    2. I think it’s a little odd as a /first/ interview (ime, that would usually be hr as a screening call or the hiring manager) but very normal to give reports a chance to interview a new prospective manager. Typically later in the process, when you might expect a peer panel interview for ICs but maybe some of their key players are out, or there’s some weird internal scheduling thing — I’d only consider it a red flag if you don’t do the typical hiring manager interviews at some point.

      (I’m from tech not law, so ymmv)

    3. That is weird. Since it’s a smaller organization they might be looking for someone that can actually evaluate whether you know what you’re talking about as a lawyer as well as general ‘fit.’ Be yourself; ask them questions too, respect their contributions and be prepared to talk about how you might work together /your management style. Good luck!

  10. Folks had asked for updates on my horse journey, since I’d posted last summer when I was considering buying a horse at my old barn and then gave another update after I decided not to move forward with that guy. Well, things are heating up again! My trainer has a fantastic mare who checks every single one of my boxes. She’s got brains and athleticism so she’s a bit over budget, and part of me thinks it’s stupid to pay for a level of scope that I don’t need for my chickensh*t AA goals…but also, she’s a gorgeous mover, safe safe safe, a genuine pleasure to ride, and has proven she’ll do the work in a variety of disciplines so I have a lot of flexibility. And all that helps her resale value if I buy her and it doesn’t work out.

    Taking on the financial commitment of board and upkeep makes me feel nauseous and will require some budget reconfigurations, but I don’t know when I’ll get another shot at a horse this suitable so it feels like it’s time to either bite the bullet and buy, or officially decide that ownership isn’t for me. Any thoughts are welcomed. (Yes, I’d be doing a vet check and getting an experienced friend with no affiliation with my trainer out to watch me ride her before I decide anything final.)

    2. Go for it. You say she would have strong resale value if it didn’t work out and it would be tough to find another horse this good. So long as the numbers work out, go for it.

      1. I will caution on the resale value point, though. She has resale value… if she stays sound. And if you’ve been around horses long enough to consider buying one, you know how that goes sometimes. I’d only buy one if you are ok knowing that one day you’re going to have to retire them, and sometimes that day is a lot sooner than you’d like and then you have to pay for retirement board and may not be able to afford another horse (unless you can afford two at at time). Otherwise, just lease.

        1. My last horse had to be medically retired, so I’ve thought about that issue a lot and, honestly, continue to grapple with it since I don’t have limitless funds. I’m approaching this with the sincere hope that if I buy a horse, they’ll be a forever horse, but I’ve also been around horses long enough to know that sometimes things don’t work out (life changes, horse/rider mismatch, etc.). At this moment, she has many of the characteristics that make a horse attractive to buyers, and which would be helpful IF I needed to resell her, IF she stays sound, IF she doesn’t suffer a catastrophic pasture accident and have to be put down three days after I bought her, etc.

          1. Same. I had to retire my horse before I was ready. And still had to pay $250/month for special shoes!

    3. Buy! The market is hot again, so if she is scopier than AA requires, she is resalable as an AO horse too. But also get that insurance ASAP!

      1. She came from a non-jumping home so she’s still green over fences, but I was being the jump crew while my trainer showed her stadium jumps that weren’t crossrails for the first time. She took a long hard look at her first-ever oxer, came to an almost complete stop, and then popped an 18′ jump with about two feet of clearance. Her back end almost cleared the top of the standard. The next time she sauntered around and jumped it perfectly in stride with her knees up to her chin. It was so fun to watch her sale price go up in real time 😂😭

        1. Woo hoo! Love watching the good ones figure it out. My trainer is bringing back some new ones from Florida this winter – can’t wait to see them!

    4. Gorgeous mover and safe safe safe and genuine pleasure to ride? If I were trying to convince myself, I’d say I was paying more for those three things which, in my view, are *not* stupid to pay for. Especially considering seems like resale should be doable if needed. I’d say go for it and CONGRATS assuming vet check goes well and you know you can make the budgeting work out. She sounds awesome.

    5. Admittedly, I don’t recall your prior posts and couldn’t find them. So maybe I’m missing out on relevant history that tips the scales the other way, but I see a lot of red flags here. In my market, if you buy her and it doesn’t work out, you would have to pay your trainer a commission on the purchase and on the sale, so you’d have to sell her at a 30% gain to recoup your purchase price. Her current price reflects her athleticism and you won’t be adding to her value since you’ll be riding her below her level, so I would expect you to sell her for the same or less than what you’re paying.

      Are you planning on showing and interested in reducing your show bills by letting a kid or adult show her in a higher division? If so, then it makes more sense to pay for scope you don’t plan to use. Scope, soundness, and rideability are the most expensive characteristics of h/j horses. Rarely does it make sense to pay for more than what you need. I’m not sure if by “AA goals” you’re referring to showing in the “adult amateur division” or generally to your goals as an adult amateur. If the former, there’s no denying that AA hunters are expensive. If the latter, there are tons of horses moving down the divisions that can be had for a bargain to do the long stirrup or low adult job.

      Your mention of an old barn makes me think this is a new trainer. Maybe they’ve already gotten a good feel for your abilities and have your best interests in mind, but maybe they haven’t or they don’t. In-barn sales and leases can be extremely lucrative for trainers, and this wouldn’t be the first time that a trainer encouraged a match that they otherwise would not have. Your statement that you feel you need to choose between buying this horse or never buying a horse concerns me. There isn’t a clock that’s about to expire. If you walk away from this horse, there isn’t anything stopping you from buying one that crosses your path next week or next year.

      Finally, having a horse is an expensive venture and everyone’s budget and tolerance for luxury spending is different, but I think feeling nauseous is a sign that you’re overextending yourself. Have you talked with your trainer and barn mates to have a good understanding of everything involved with upkeep, from farrier to incidents to training contract requirements to routine and unexpected vet bills? Have you added enough cushion to your emergency fund to cover the horse? If your horse needs expensive veterinary/rehab care beyond what insurance will cover, do you have the funds to handle the bills? If you don’t, will you be able to accept that or will you feel you need to overextend yourself to do right by your horse? When you say that you’ll have to reconfigure your budget to accommodate the horse, are you dropping other luxury purchases in exchange for the horse? Or are you cutting basics or going without less breathing room? Soon after I finished graduate school, I bought a horse because it was a screaming deal and I knew opportunities like that were few and far between. He was a very cool horse, we won a lot, and nothing bad happened–I paid all my bills on time and I didn’t have to cut any corners with his care. But I had a pit in my stomach when I paid for him and it never completely went away. My time with him was soured by the stress of budgeting so carefully every month and the pressure of knowing what I was forgoing (extra student loan payments, delaying preventive car maintenance, dining out, vacations with friends, etc.) to do each show, clinic, etc. In contrast, five years later I bought a different horse and even though he was still expensive, I was excited when I wired the money. The experience with him was and continues to be a joy because, among other reasons, he fits within my means.

      1. A lot of exc3llent points here. Agreed on the resale price – I would personally be more inclined to pay more for a talented greener horse than one ridden by an adult amateur at a low level. No offense to AAs, I am one, but if we’re talking real money I don’t want to buy someone else’s bad habits.
        Beware also the trainer that really wants to buy the horse for themselves, convinces a client to buy the horse and put it in training, and then “Oh! This horse is too much for you right now, how about you lease something while I bring it up the levels for you” and suddenly the poor, hapless client is funding trainer’s FEI ambitions.
        Also agreed on the financial points, and that you should relax on the all or nothing. There will be other horses, much like men and buses. Heck, if you start saving what you’d pay on board monthly, in a year you’ll have that much bigger of a budget (or a healthier emergency fund). I also bought a horse out of college that I financially shouldn’t have, and also got lucky in that she stayed healthy and sound (and I still have her, 16 years later, she is my best friend and I regret nothing), but it does sap some joy out of the experience.
        Also, she may not vet, it frequently happens, so if you do move forward keep that potential heartbreak in mind – I actually almost bought a 5 year old I fell in love with in Ireland last week, but he had arthritic changes in a fetlock when x-rayed. It was a bit devastating, but horses often are.
        But not to be totally negative! If you love her and can afford her (including emergencies) and she vets well, go for it! But if not, don’t worry, another horse will come along.

        1. This just shows how different perspectives can be–I totally understand what you’re saying about fixing bad habits, but from my perspective I’d rather buy a horse that’s been ridden by an amateur because that way I know it doesn’t take a pro to get it safely around a cross country course.

          I have a long response to whoa in mod, but to your point on the all or nothing thinking–I always feel anxiety about major life decisions, even if I’m sure I’m making the right choice from an objective standpoint. I know there will be other horses, but at a certain point I need to decide whether or not I’m doing this. I’m sick of going back and forth with myself about all the what-ifs.

          And yes, I know she may not vet. I’m sorry your horse didn’t work out!

      2. Thank you for this very thoughtful comment! You raise some great points and I really appreciate your time. I ended up writing a novel in response and it was a wonderful exercise for articulating my own thoughts. I don’t do hunters so the discipline-specific stuff you mention doesn’t apply to me, but you make a great point about the commission. I don’t think my trainer would be expecting one, since she owns her outright and set the price herself, but I’ll get that in writing.

        The TLDR summary of my riding journey is that I grew up riding; stopped riding consistently for various reasons after high school (including the medical retirement I mentioned above); and then picked it back up about two years ago. I also have a close family member who ran a professional facility, so I have exposure on that side of things as well. My “old” barn is the lesson barn where I started riding again, and where I briefly considered buying the first horse I posted about here. That barn turned out to not be the right long-term fit, so this past summer I found my “new” barn. I’ve been riding with my current trainer since then so she’s very familiar with my abilities, and was also totally transparent about my current lease horse’s quirks. It’s a small barn so I don’t have extensive data to draw on, but at this point I have seen her work with other clients on sales, and to my eye she’s made appropriate matches.

        After I realized I might be interested in buying a horse this past summer, I realized I did not have enough of a sense of my local market to be an educated buyer. While I haven’t officially been shopping, I’ve been keeping an eye on sales and ISO ads since then, and chatting with friends who have been going through the process. So you’re correct, it’s not a decision between buying this horse or not buying a horse…but realistically, I don’t see many horses as nice as this mare come up at the price point my trainer is offering me. (Before you come to the conclusion that I take my trainer’s word for everything, she “doesn’t believe in PPEs.” Girl can roll the dice with her resale horses to her heart’s content, never in a million years would I take that risk.) This is not my only shot at owning a horse, but it would probably be a long time before I could find something else with her temperament and athleticism for the same money. Like I said in my OP, part of me thinks it’s silly to pay for scope I don’t need, but as another poster noted, it’s also not stupid to pay for a pretty mover that’s safe and fun to ride.

        Money is a huge consideration and I feel nauseous about any financial transaction over $1,500, so that’s typical for me. I’m not an attorney who makes six figures; I work in education and am as comfortable as I am because I’ve made good decisions with my money. (Also, structural privilege.) It’s the upkeep and maintenance costs that give me the most concern over horse ownership, not the purchase price, even for a horse who’s over budget. I have either appropriate estimates or hard numbers for the items you mention; I would get insurance but there is going to be a level of catastrophic expense that I cannot cover. I’d be cutting back on luxuries, but at my current income level owning a horse would also mean less savings and breathing room. I know that having a narrower margin for error financially would be a source of stress. However, having my own horse who I picked to fit my own specific criteria would also be a source of joy.

        I’ve been wrestling with whether owning a horse is the right decision for me for the last ten months. I can be indecisive and I always feel a lot of anxiety around major decisions like this, even when I’m making the right choice. Yes, there are always other horses, but at a certain point I need to decide whether I’m going to do it or not, and rip the Band-Aid.

        1. I’m glad my feedback was helpful! As you unfortunately know, a horse can go from being worth $$$$ to nothing in an instant and actually becomes a liability on your books because you can be stuck paying for retirement board, shoes, and vet care until the horse the passes away at age 25 or so. So, you’re right to be thinking through this carefully while also being self-aware enough to realize that you tend to err on the side of caution. And owning a horse is decidedly the opposite of being cautious (but omg is it so much fun!).
          I took your description of the mare as doing multiple disciplines and a different commentator’s response that the mare would have AO scope to mean that this was an established three ring (hunter/jumper/eq) horse. So is the mare a former dressage horse that’s been started over fences, you’re at an eventing barn, and you would be aiming to do eventing and/or jumpers with her? I know that commissions are standard with the dressage and jumper trainers in my area, and I suspect that the eventers charge them too. The barn’s boarding contract may specify when and what commissions are owed. If it doesn’t, talk with your trainer and get it in writing so you aren’t hit with a disappointing surprise if you later decide to sell the horse. I would also discuss with your trainer what role she plans on playing in the horse’s development and make sure you’re on the same page. She may think the horse is an appropriate match for you with three pro rides a week plus two lessons, while you’re planning on being more independent and frugal from the start.
          It sounds like you’re excited and really like her. 😊 If you decide to move forward, congratulations and I hope it all works out! If you don’t decide to move forward with her or she unfortunately doesn’t vet well, I think the other comment about saving your upkeep money while you shop for the next one is spot-on. Already living with your reconfigured budget will help you to be more confident about pulling the trigger when you find the next horse and you can use the money saved in the meantime to pad your horse buying or emergency funds. As they say, it costs the same amount of money to upkeep a $5K horse as a $10K. It may even cost less to upkeep a more expensive horse because the cheaper one could cost less because it has crappy hooves that require spendy shoes and pads.

          1. In retrospect “disciplines” might have been the wrong word–she’s an OTTB who’s had a few jobs since coming off the track, mostly Western. So she isn’t polished as an English competition horse, but she has a lot of mileage under saddle in mentally demanding conditions (ranch work, gymkhanas, etc). My trainer bought her as a straight dressage prospect, but now that she knows she’s an honest, scopey jumper (if green) she’ll event her.

            My own competitive aspirations, such as they are, max out at BN and mayyybe N if I’m feeling brave, but one of the struggles on my wishlist is that I also want a horse who has the aptitude and flexibility to be a good solid all-rounder–trail rides, hunter paces, maybe trying out straight dressage. I like doing lots of stuff! Maybe her non-traditional background would be a negative to some people, but to me it’s a bonus because she’s already shown she can do the non-eventing activities that I enjoy, and that she can learn something new with a willing, straightforward attitude if asked. I care about her brain a lot more than her ability to move up the levels or get a dressage score in the 20s. To put it another way, my trainer texted me “This might be your horse” under a video of her hacking on the buckle while a giant bird flew right in front of her, not a video of her extended trot. Which is very pretty! Who doesn’t love a fancy trot moment.

            I know I’d owe my trainer a commission if she sold a horse for me; my comment was just addressing a commission on the initial purchase price. And yes, I did already discuss expectations around training. We’re in agreement on the frugal and independent path.

            Honestly, sometimes I wish I could turn off the part of my brain that knows as much about how catastrophically wrong things can go with horses. I also volunteer at an equine rescue and seeing the condition some of these horses end up in, that clearly have training and are (or were) nice animals that ended up in the wrong hands…it gives me SO much anxiety about the prospect of ever selling a horse that I liked enough to buy. Anyway. But even with that and all the mental baggage from my last horse, I’m excited about this mare, which I think means something! And even if she doesn’t work out for whatever reason, it’s nice to know that I can be this excited about a horse again (my trainer said “you’re glowing” the first time I rode her), and I’ll definitely have learned a lot from going through the mental exercise.

          2. Re the commission: I got you now. It’d still clarify before you incur the costs of the PPE just in case, but I highly doubt that your trainer is planning on charging you a commission to buy her own horse. Nor should she.

            It sounds like the mare is exactly what you want and you feel confident that you won’t find anything like her for the same price or less. That means that she’s a good deal to you. The only reason I (and I think others) focused on the resale issue was because it seemed like you were putting too many eggs in the resale and recoup your money basket. Good luck with the potential purchase and try to enjoy this very exciting albeit stressful time!

        2. If your trainer owns the horse, why wouldn’t she lease it to you? A lease has so much less risk. Then you’d have a taste for how the expenses work with your budget. Even better, a lease with option to purchase and/or right of first refusal. Highly recommend asking your trainer.

    6. From my perspective of having many kids, and watching my sister who has barely any money but a farm with a boatload of animals and horses: there is never a perfect time to take on a financial liability. But if it’s a dream and it gives you joy, take the risk. (All the caveats about having some savings and plan and not being a total dodo, etc).

    7. Life is short – buy the horse! Can you get someone who’s a good rider to lease your horse a few days a week to help with costs? When I buy my next FEI horse that’s what I’m planning to do. Also, it is invaluable to buy a horse that’s a known entity. So many sales barn have horses with a lot of issues that may not be evident right away.

    8. My daughter just bought a horse like that for herself. Brains, athleticism, safe and a pleasure to ride. She was having difficulty finding lesson horses to ride regularly to work on what she wants – jumping, low-level shows – especially fitting it in with a job and being in a doctoral program. It’s been a few months and it’s been more than expected, she’s now jumping and the horse is teaching her because the horse is so good. She’s moving to do the in person clinical portion of her program and taking the horse with her. She may do a half lease if she finds the right person.

      She also worried about the commitment but has decided it’s worth it. Good luck!

  11. Can anyone recommend a lip balm with SPF that works for very sensitive lips? I can’t use Burt’s Bees, Chapstick, Blistex, etc. I tried the Aquafor lip stuff with SPF but don’t care for it.

      1. I recently tried the Supergoop one, and I hate the smell. Plus, I generally prefer zinc rather than chemical sunscreens overall. So lately I’ve just been swiping a little of my regular mineral sunscreen over my lips (it’s a pretty sheer one) and then toping that with a balm I like. Chapstick works for me, but it could be whatever.

    4. Nivea Smoothness. The blue top has SPF 15, they make one with a SPF 30 but I’ve never tried it. It’s smooth and tasteless.

  12. Help me please!

    I am in the market for one or two new suits, but I am senior enough that I want something interesting and not plain and boring. I have already ordered and returned suits from Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Tahari ASL for sizing misfires (without other options available) and been unimpressed with the offerings of J Crew and Theory. I did get a great fun blazer from The Fold which will pair with multiple pairs of pants, and I am on the fence about keeping a hot pink blazer from BR to mix and match.

    I am straight size and will spend money on this problem. I do not love the straight or ankle pant look on me for suits. I am 5’5” so get stuck sometimes between reg and petite, but I will tailor something I otherwise love.

    Problematic caveat, wool doesn’t work for me. Cry.

    Where else should I look? What unique options are out there? I surely am missing a bunch.

    Thanks in advance!

    4. In your situation, I would probably spend one day going to Nordstrom in person and get their salesperson in the appropriate department for suits to help you try several.

      Boss?

    5. Massimo Dutti (runs large but they do carry XS)? Joseph? Indochino is now doing custom suits for women and they actually aren’t that expensive. Elie Tahari (I’m 5’4” and the label has always worked for me). You might also search for co-ord sets somewhere like Maje, Sandro, Net-a-Porter etc. to get suit-like pairings. Or check Rag and Bone — they don’t really sell suits but I love love love my Slade blazer and other jackets from them and it would surprise me if they didn’t have coordinating pants.

  13. It’s time for me to buy a grown up handbag. The problem is: I do not like designer bags and I’m kind of cheap. I’ve been a sahm for two years. Just started a new job downtown. My wardrobe is fine (office is business casual, emphasis on casual), but my LLL festival bag reads “I’m going hiking later and there’s probably a diaper in here.” Recommendations for handbags? A Cuyana would be a splurge but seems practical and possibly worth it? Would need to withstand kids (read: me) spilling stuff on/in it and setting it on the floor.

    3. Would you consider a used Cuyana? There are a bunch on therealreal. I’ve also found some great bags on 6pm.com. They’re a discounter selling bags and clothing that hit stores a year or two ago. The downside is that the buyer pays for shipping on returns.

      1. 6pm is owned by Amazon. Find what you want on 6pm, search the exact style name on Amazon to buy it there and you will get free returns.

      2. Cuyana has a resale site – Revive. The selection update frequently, some things are monogrammed fyi. There are photos of the actual bags so you can see the use/wear. I haven’t bought from Revive, but the regular Cuyana customer service is great.

    4. I found a Cuyana zip top crossbody tote on Poshmark after wanting one for years. It feels like it will hold up forever. I have two young kids and a casual business casual office. It is perfect. Keep an eye out on the resale sites. I think mine was $100.

      1. I love my Madewell, it’s held up really well (to having some diapers in it from time to time!)

      2. I own both and they are both great. The cuyana reads more workwear and the Madewell reads more weekend, but either is usable for both. Quality is great on both as well.

    7. As a fellow cheap person, buy a used Michael Kors tote and call it a day. Poshmark should have plenty.

      1. I agree on this. No hate on folks who love beautiful bags, but I don’t, particularly, and I just don’t wanna spend that much money on one. In my experience, very few “investment” fashion items are like, mathematically worth the investment, even though they may well be worth it if you love them and they make you happy.

      2. I feel like a mid market designer is worse than no designer. I’d go for something real leather and no name over Michael Kors stuff or Tory Burch or any other logo heavy one.

        1. Buy this purse, either on sale right now at Macy’s or if you can find it second-hand, you won’t regret it — it is a great “mom” purse, holds a TON of stuff without looking weird or lumpy. Seriously, you can carry paperback books, sweaters, cosmetics, phones, wallet, business cards, glasses, pens, cords, adapters, feminine products, bandana, etc., etc. It holds WAY more than it looks like it will:

          https://www.macys.com/shop/product/raven-large-shoulder-tote?ID=14523596&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&trackingid=477×1054250766&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_Handbags_PLA&m_ag=MichaelKors&m_cn=GGL_LIA_Handbags_New&m_pi=go_cmp-17622403907_adg-141036408649_ad-607132528053_aud-374536321189:pla-1437053034193_dev-c_ext-_prd-190049447253USA&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwsyC9afz_QIVxI5bCh2TewSMEAQYAiABEgJjuvD_BwE

    8. Cuyana!!! It is a splurge but it is worth it. I’ve been carrying mine every day since 2018 and it’s still going strong. Get the zipper tote.

      1. Same, and since 2018. I’d have bought 4 cheap bags in that same time that would have totaled at least what I paid, if not more.

    10. I am terribly rough on bags, and I’ve had decent luck with Lo and Sons, and it seems like they’re always on sale. My SIL works in the leather industry and swears by Portland Leather, especially their “almost perfect” section.

    11. Sophia tote from Open Hand Leather. I’m cheap too, but it’ll last forever.

    13. Cuyana. Mine (I have two) have worn like absolute iron. I’m just about to head out to the airport with the first one I bought – in 2018. It’s as good as new and I am not gentle with it.

      I don’t know if they still make them, but Madewell had a sturdy tote out around the same time. One of my mom friends used that one. It was slightly more casual looking.

    14. I’m super cheap about bags and bought a fabulous condition vintage coach tote (probably only 90s “vintage”) for about $60 on Poshmark. That’s what I would do again in your position–measure against bags you already have to ensure it’ll fit your laptop, etc.

    15. I enthusiastically recommend Polene bags, which are beautiful, reasonably priced, and free of designer logos.

  14. What style heels would you wear with a jersey wrap dress? The wrap dress is navy blue and looks formal but is jersey, so I’m struggling. I still love my wedge heels but am looking for something a little fresher. I work in a pretty informal office and don’t want to spend a ton of money. Thanks!

    1. I used to have a pair of grey suede point-toe kitten heels from Payless (RIP) that were awesome with navy. I loved those – I think they didn’t survive the great WFH/cross-country move purge and I regret that! Something like that maybe?

      1. Thanks for the sandal rec. Now I have to have those, even though I have no opportunity to wear them. Sigh.

      2. Oh yeah – those Marc Fisher pumps would be great in almost any of the colors available.

  15. I realized about 3 hours late how I could take my C+ outfit up to at least a B. This alone is a win — previously, I would just be frustrated and change into sweats the minute I got home. Today, a bit of hope.

    I am hamstrung now by having bad feet and needing to move to flats (now that flat-boot season is about over). I think I am going to try some loafers (have black and gray and tan-ish flats already). For those of you with loafers, so you have just a pair or a wardrobe of loafers? I had a wardrobe of heels (pink, leopard, black, tan suede, maybe others) and block heel pumps, so IDK why I find multiple loafers wasteful. Maybe b/c they were formerly weekend shoes? They would now definitely be work shoes for me (house shoes are now crocks and weekend shoes are cute season-appropriate casual shoes/boots or Tretorns).

    1. I have one pair of loafers, but that is because I can wear casual shoes to work on most days. I wear loafers for court and client meetings. Otherwise I am in boots (cold), sneakers (temperate), and Birkenstocks (hot).

    2. I wear loafers most days that I’m in the office (usually 3 days per week) and I have three pairs of loafers: black, white and cognac. I’ve been contemplating getting a fun spring color, like mint or lavender.

    3. I have a wardrobe of loafers. Multiple colors, leathers, and shapes. I don’t feel like I am dressed unless I am wearing good shoes.

    4. If you like the look of Rothys, they have loafers in a ton of colors — I have taupe and burgundy pairs, and I’m thinking of getting a light blue or green for spring. The nice thing is you can wash them if they get gross.

    5. If you like the look of Rothys, they have loafers in a ton of colors — I have taupe and burgundy pairs, and I’m thinking of getting a light blue or green for spring. The nice thing is you can wash them if they get gross.

    7. I like having a mix of flats for summer: ballet flats, loafers, and pointy toe flats. My current pointy toe flats are the ruffled flat from Kate Spade, and a pointy toe dressy teeny wedge from Tory Burch.

  16. I’ve had a rough month at work and in my personal life. I don’t usually buy things to make myself feel better, but I think that would actually help right now. What would you treat yourself to with $200?

    1. Something that’s a time trade-off: a deep clean of my house, or a pedicure or massage.

    2. A really good meal with fancy cocktails or paired wines. Yes, it would be better to do with a person, but I feel like I’m hitting the point where I’d do it myself.

      Or maybe a piece of art I’ve been wanting but never quite made the splurge.

      I like the massage idea, too. No idea how prices run, but years ago I did a massage + pedicure at Elizabeth Arden and it was very nice.

      1. ymmv but a detailing/deep clean of my car brings joy and is ~$200, especially when it feels like “ack, everything else is a mess!”

        in terms of “stuff”, I usually get myself nice outdoor gear as a treat but things I know I’ll actually use — but even if it’s off season, it can be an impetus to start planning/dreaming about a trip I’ll use it on

    3. Earrings. Life is great when you have new earrings. That’s my motto and it has always worked.

    4. I keep a list of ‘treat myself’ things for when I’m either in a funk, or on the rare occasion when I get money I’m not expecting. My current list

      Lo &Sons OG2 bad (recommended here!)
      1/2 day at a spa (facial, massage, pedi)
      NuFace (recommended here!)
      Fancier yoga mat
      orchestra tickets
      dress from The Fold (it will need to be either a serious funk or a lot of surprise cash!)
      pop-up tent
      someone to organize my garage

    5. Fresh flowers every week for the rest of the month? Or two really amazing arrangements.
      Space out several orders of expensive chocolate, before summer shipping issues come up. See Bon Bon Bon (Detroit I think) or Soma Chocolate (Canada, I’m always too cheap to pay extra for shipping), or Dandelion (San Francisco). Have a few each day.

      New fancy sheets or pajamas in a whimsical pattern that you wouldn’t usually buy. Room and Board has some really pretty couch pillows that won’t hold up to children/pets.

  17. It might be too late for this question, but in line with the person upthread looking for a new bag: what purse are you carrying right now? I have a red Zella crossbody/belt bag that I love for weekends, but I’m having a hard time finding a work-appropriate purse that fits my needs and feels current. I use a Lo & Sons backpack for regular work schlepping, but will often step out to meetings that don’t need the full work bag but where the belt bag isn’t the right vibe. I can be flexible on size. Budget is $200 or less…I’d prefer less expensive but am open to anything. Just curious about the shapes/styles of bags you’re carrying/seeing these days. I’m stumped!

    1. Also, for reference, the last work-appropriate purse I bought was YEARS ago: an earlier version of the Weston shoulder bag from Kate Spade. Size is fine, but it just doesn’t feel current to me anymore. Am I overthinking?

    2. My regulars bags are a Cuyana Tall Structured Tote (which they sadly no longer sell) and a Tumi laptop backpack (that I bought on poshmark a few years back) in the same color. I have a lot of files to transport each day along with my laptop — so I just find it easier to have both. I have had both for years and they have held up amazingly well with the daily beating they get (my daily life is not gentle on my bags).

    3. I have a clutch that can hold a combo of phone / wallet / keys / glasses. Some sort of elegant pouch thing that many brands sell should work for this.

    4. Right now I’m just using 2 bags:

      The LV never full in black epi leather.

      A small YSL black crossbody (with black letters, not gold) and black chain. It can be dressy, but also goes with yoga clothes…

    5. For work I am just about always carrying one of my two sturdy Cuyana totes (one with zip, one without) but if I don’t need a laptop bag, then it’s one of two Longchamp leather (not the Le pliage) bags I got scouring the real real. My neutrals are navy and gray, so I have one in a dark blue satchel style, and an orangey red one in a top handled mini tote with tassels (Penelope style.)

    7. I am currently carrying a Tumi Voyager cross-body, which I bough in January, but I believe may be discontinued. It holds a ginormous hold-all wallet, sunglasses, reading glasses, face masks, hair scrunchie, car and house keys (on an included keystrap/ring), pen, vax card, work ID, parking lot card, Metro card, and two mobile phones. It’s a bit stuffed tight, but doesn’t look terrible. I got this small bag because carrying a huge “mom” purse became tiresome, so on those days I go into the office, I use a professional tote that can carry paper calendars, notebooks, and laptop, gym shoes, umbrella, and sweater, and into which I can slip this cross-body. It is so freeing to walk around the grocery store without a super-heavy shoulder bag anymore

  18. Has anyone ever hired someone to help them track down a person?

    My father recently died. He was estranged from his family. Just before he died, he started having ?regrets about his estrangement, and specifically about his younger sister. They had a very, very difficult childhood. I remember meeting her once when I was a young child, where she seemed nice enough to young me, and she made some kind gestures to my father. Yet I heard them fight, her try to apologize, and she and her husband left. That was 40 years ago. He never spoke of her again.

    My Dad was also…. difficult.

    All the rest of his generation of family is dead, except we don’t know anything about his sister. Part of me really wants to find her, especially after my father’s last words.

    I have poked around the internet a bit, and haven’t been able to easily track her down, but I haven’t found an obituary yet either.

    Has anyone here had success tracking down someone like this? On their own? Or did you hire someone? Who/where?

    1. We hire people occasionally for heir searches when someone dies without being in touch w/ relatives. If you search “heir search” for your area, you can find someone. We used Mintz Group.

    2. I empathize with wanting connection to family after a parent dies. I have extended family who aren’t missing, but are disappointing. Before trying to find the sister, I recommend thinking through various scenarios and if you really want to connect.

        1. Thank you both. This is good advice.
          My Aunt would be quite elderly now, and I suspect not in good health, if she is even alive.

    3. Investigation Connection on FB. Its a private FB group and I have watched those people track down some seriously difficult cases. All free and just people who do it in their spare time. Start there before paying someone.

      1. As someone who is freakishly good at finding people on the internet, I think I have a new hobby….

    4. I’ve found long lost relatives (in one case, a relative I didn’t even know I had!) through Ancestry DNA.

      1. How has that experience been? I’m so curious about people who connect and have positive experiences. My cousin found a previously unknown half sister through a DNA test. She’s in her late 50s. This means her father, who is deceased, had an affair and kept it quiet. My cousin was really excited to meet her half sister, who never knew their shared father. My cousin kept emailing my mom and aunt to connect with this woman, also in her 50s, to “meet the family”. My aunt is 80 and my mom is mid-70s. They weren’t interested in meeting a woman who is basically a stranger to welcome her into our family. They felt like it was a door they weren’t ready to open, especially because their brother is dead and it would drag up complicated questions they don’t have answers to. It was all very odd to me, to be honest. The half sister lives several states away so I don’t think my cousin has met up with her yet.

        1. It has worked out well in my family. I love my new cousin! (Essentially a teen pregnancy put up for adoption.) There was some initial reticence on the part of my Uncle/cousin’s bio father, but now everyone is happy to know each other. My uncles other kids in particular are delighted with their new half sibling. It helps that new half sibling is a wonderful person with no resentment – had a great life as a beloved adopted child, just wanted to know more about their genetics due to a chronic illness.

        2. My mom, stepmother, and stepfather each have a case in their family, and shockingly they turned out well. For my mom’s cousin, it happened in his 20’s. He never married, his immediate family has passed and he had a heavy travel career. He’s delighted to have an adult daughter. For my step-parents, they each had siblings who found about about an adult child (one from an affair, one from a youthful relationship). In both cases they were estranged from their standard child (complicated people!) and happy to meet the adult child, especially while elderly in failing health. In both cases, the siblings passed away within a year, and I think it gave both sides closure. Of course, for the guy where it happened due to an affair, there was estrangement from his ex-wife and the child he raised already. Neither had traditionally happy stories at that point, so the meeting with a new child was pleasant compared to other things in their lives.

      2. Thanks for reminding me of this.

        I did 23andMe many years ago, and never paid attention to any relatives they might have found. I’ll check…

    5. What is your goal in tracking her down? Do you want a relationship with her? Is it to share your father’s last words with her? To inform her that he has passed? Is the potential of opening old, deep wounds worth it?

      1. Good questions.

        I think I would send her a short letter, and let her know my Dad has passed. I would tell her a bit about my Dad and our family, as I think she was trying to reinitiate bonds years ago and had already made a decision not to have children. She was lovely to me as a child.

        Depending upon if she responded, I might later reveal part of what he said to me before he died. My Dad felt much guilt, and revealed something that totally changed my picture as to why they/his family were estranged. I am now so sad my father hadn’t supported my Aunt earlier.

        I would be open to having a relationship with her, but I suspect it would be minimal since …even if she is alive… she may not have much time left. And I likely live no where near her.

        But you bring up a good point. Perhaps it would be too painful for her. I thought a letter could help that, by leaving it to her whether to respond.

        Interestingly, my grandmother (who I barely remember….) said I looked exactly like my aunt, as a child.

        1. I live in a family with a lot of dysfunction and estrangement. My father was similarly difficult and was the one who would fight, storm out (or cause the other person to), and then never speak of the person again. Out of our large family, my cousin and I were the only people he would really talk to by the end. I learned the hard way through this that it was NOT my job to make amends on his behalf. Attempting to do so was painful for everyone involved and “fixed” nothing.

          Given that, I would recommend not reaching out to your aunt unless you write only about HER and YOUR relationship to her. If she is curious about your father or interested in talking about that situation, then the door is open for her to do so. You cannot apologize on his behalf in a meaningful way that will repair the damage.

          1. Thank you.

            All my adult life, I have wanted to reconnect with her.

            The long ago family issues that seem to have led to estrangement stemmed from poverty, early deaths, and untreated mental illness. In many ways, a very sad situation from all sides, and few people with any financial/emotional resources to help.

        2. My wife and I reconnected with her aunt, who was in her late 80s at the time, plus the adult children of that aunt (my wife’s cousins). We knew vaguely of each other, but the family became estranged the generation before my wife because of bad behavior by my wife’s parents and others.

          That aunt died just a few months ago, and we treasure the time we had with her. We have formed a tight relationship with one of my wife’s cousins (a daughter of that aunt). We feel genuinely disgusted by the bad behavior in the previous generation. It was deeply healing to the aunt’s family to hear us express regret for what had happened, and to us as well.

          We met them at a funeral and things developed from there (the first sighting in about 40 years, after a very bad incident that we weren’t part of).

          If you write a letter that shares that your father expressed regret about what he did, and you share your own fondness for your aunt, that seems like a good thing. She can choose to reach out or not.

          Good luck to you.

  19. I asked on the moms page but I’ll ask here too: any recs for a moderately priced Bahamas hotel or resort? Must allow children, but does not need to cater to children. A pool is a must. We’re traveling in early January so everything is really pricey and the kind of hotels we normally stay in are way out of budget.

    1. hmmmm the Bahamas are kind of far north for January. I have a few friends who’ve done Disney cruises in the last month or two and like.. it wasn’t warm, they actually left Castaway Cay early due to blowing sand.

  20. Whelp, a charter school principal in my city was just forced to resign because a 6th grade art lesson on the Renaissance included a picture of Michelangelo’s David and two parents complained that it was pornographic.
    These “Moms for Liberty” nutballs can take a flying leap. Taking us back to the 1950s is bad enough. Now apparently even the 1500s is too modern.
    Florida can kick rocks. I’m tired of being associated by residency with this sort of thing.

    1. I live in Florida and my son received his degree from UCF debt free between prepaid and Bright Futures. But if I had a kid in elementary school, I would not be doing prepaid. I hope that residents start cancelling their prepaid accounts in droves right now.

      As for charters, the whole point was to end traditional neighborhood public schools.

    2. Good god. I took my 4 year old to Florence last year and we saw the David. The idea that it’s inappropriate for sixth graders is legit nuts. Solidarity from a non-Florida red state.

      1. My kid did a week of camp at the Met when she was a 1st grader and she her her BFF has the best time giggling about all the naked statues.

        This is insane, OP

    3. I read up on that because it sounds fishy. Turns out she explicitly said that she did not know why she was being asked to resign, and guessed that it was related to Michelangelo. But I guess we should blame Moms for Liberty because blaming parents was so successful in NoVa….

      1. Mom’s for Liberty is the 2023 version of Daughters of the Confederacy. They are nasty pieces of work who do nothing more than hide racist, backwards bigoted agendas behind a veneer of femininity. White womens’ tears to the nth degree.

      2. According to this interview (https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/florida-principal-fired-michelangelo-david-statue.html) she was asked to resign because she showed the David photo without notifying the parents in advance. Which is better than being fired simply for showing the photo, but only slightly. The idea that 12 year olds need parental consent to see a famous sculpture is pretty ridiculous. And I’m in favor of parents being informed about sex ed and stuff like that.

    4. I just chaperoned my 3d grader’s trip to the local art museum and they made a game out of counting the p*nises. So much giggling. So little harm done.

      If having kids view a nude classic was really the cause of this person’s resignation, that is bananas. (No pun intended?)

  21. Husband is having *issues* boarding our dog (which is creating issues taking any family trips we all get to go on) and it seems that many chain hotels are dog-friendly. If you had to decide b/w Hilton Head (beach, shopping, restaurants) and Savannah (shopping, restaurants) for a family including teens where you also have a large dog you need to walk, for Memorial Day weekend, which would you pick? Either is an easy drive and I’ve spent time in both. I prefer Savannah personally, but for a family trip where we didn’t get to the beach last year, am leaning towards HHI.

    1. My family (parents + adult children + two grandchildren) picked Hilton Head for our family vacation.

      I have a difficult (elderly, fussy, dislikes other dogs) dog and we’ve always had a pet sitter stay in our home. It’s $$$ obviously but gives us the most peace of mind. Would your husband be open to that?

      1. Or pay for your dog to go to someone else’s home. We pay $50/night but it’s so much better for the dog than boarding.

  22. What’s your favorite spring jacket for cool days?

    I’ve never been able to find something I’m truly happy with for those days when it’s too warm for my winter puffer but still cold — like 45 in the morning, high of 60 midday, but 50-55 during my evening commute.

    1. Talbots always has a canvas jacket that is perfect for this. I have several years’ versions of it.

    4. Barbour jacket is perfect in the 40-60 range. I wear mine all spring and fall.

    5. I love love love my sherpa-lined Levis trucker jacket. It’s surprisingly warm. Size up.

    6. For work or casual wear?

      I have an assortment, as I live in an area with a lot of seasonal change..

      A couple wool coats, more appropriate with work/eveningwear
      Denim or suede/leather
      Trench – shorter/fun colors

      Barbour is a bit more stuff/certain type of look that doesn’t fit me as well.

  23. Is anyone here from France or living in France? If so, I’m curious to hear what you think about the upheaval going on over the retirement age change.

    1. As an observer I’m sort of amused that the protesters are protesting the laws of economics. Fewer young workers supporting retirees + increasing lifespans makes this inevitable. For us too.

      1. Yes, I’m aware that this is how it looks from the outside. I’m interested in their perspective, as I think this sense of inevitability and natural law does not seem so obvious to everyone.

        1. From what I’ve read the French believe this disproportionately harms blue collar workers. Those jobs are harder on a sixty-something body so the extra working years are a significant burden, and it’s hard to find a new job at that age when the manual labor becomes difficult. Plus blue collar workers are more reliant on the pension funds during retirement. But I agree you can’t keep the retirement age static when life expectancies keep rising.

      3. I’m sorry, but this is BS. There is enough money (and resources) in this world that we could all be retiring early. Inequality is not inevitable and our economy is not ruled by inherent “laws” like gravity or the speed of light. It doesn’t have to be this way.

        1. Thank you. This is not economics, this is greed. Keynes predicted that increased productivity would lead to a 15 hour workweek. Instead we (“we”) funneled that extra productivity into making the very rich into the ultra rich, and into a ton of plastic crap filling landfills. None of this is necessary or inevitable.

          1. I agree. I really don’t buy the proposition that the only solution to this is for working people to work longer. I don’t care that this is the conclusion that other industrialized nations have come to.

          2. What’s frustrating is I entirely agree with you – greed is the problem – but how can we completely overhaul a system that has been solidly in place for a long? Is there a middle ground that can improved things? Idealistically, I want the system to be completely different and hope for that. Practically, is that possible? Or at least, possible in the short-term?

    2. My best friend lives in France (and is now a French citizen) but grew up in the US to American parents. She doesn’t think raising the retirement age is a big deal, although her view may be colored by the fact that even 64 is younger than the normal retirement age in the states. Although apparently it’s also lower than other EU countries.

      1. Yes, it’s lower than the age in the US and of other EU countries. I still feel like that’s a circular answer though, when given: do something just because other countries do it? It’s pretty clear that GDP and economic competitiveness as a rationale is not convincing to enough French people.

        I also suspect that 64 sounds fine to people with desk jobs they like, not so much when you do manual labor like trash collection.

        1. The retirement age for trash collectors is 57 now and going up to 59. The physical difficulty of the job is taken into account.

  24. Have any of my fellow rosacea sufferers found a gentle exfoliant that doesn’t irritate their skin? I have an rx cream that seems to have the flares mostly under control if I don’t do something stupid (looking at me Saturday night who had two drinks) but the texture could use a little refinement. I have Good Genes on hand but I’d buy something different if it were endorsed by a rosacean here.

    1. I will occasionally use either Tatcha Rice Polish or Herbivore Blue Tansy Mask. However, I find what has helped the most is getting a monthly chemical peel at my derm’s office.

    2. Azelaic acid can have an exfoliant effect (maybe that’s your Rx cream already though!).

    3. Paula’ Choice 1 % BHA in the calm series is a great rosacea exfoliating acid.

    4. If by texture you mean bumps, then doxycycline is your best bet rather than an exfoliant (based on my experience)

    5. My derm told me lactic acid is the easiest for my rosacea skin to tolerate. She said BHA and AHA are too harsh. I like the Drunk Elephant Protini™ Powerpeptide Resurfacing Serum with Lactic Acid.

    6. Are you guys able to use tretinoin?

      I have a new diagnosis of rosacea and am still trying to figure out what’s good and what isn’t. I was on tretinoin for years for acne, and now I worry if I have to stop that….

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