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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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Anonymous
I normally hate-read cupcakes and cashmere, but today’s guest contributor story was great. I’ll post the link in a separate post. It’s about Lynn Chen’s 10-year struggle with infertility and how she and her husband have come to terms with it. As an Asian woman approaching my mid-30s who worries about not being able to have children some day, I really appreciated her perspective and the story of their journey through infertility.
Anonymous
https://cupcakesandcashmere.com/motherhood/how-my-20-year-struggle-with-infertility-redefined-my-identity
Disco Janet
TW: fertility/pregnancy loss
Thanks so much for sharing this. My husband and I are coming to terms with the fact that our journey won’t look as we have imagined as I recently suffered an ectopic pregnancy, the subsequent removal of my Fallopian tube and was diagnosed with endometriosis, which likely caused our long journey to falling pregnant and then the resultant ectopic. We have some friends going through IVF and have seen the huge toll it has taken on them – both physically and mentally, and the pressure it has put on their relationship.
I feel like so much on the web is tailored around infertility stories that eventually end in pregnancy and it’s so interesting as we weigh up our next steps to read stories like Lynn’s, where maybe it’s not the happy ever after they hoped for, but a “different kind of happiness” as she puts it.
Anon
Just as a counterpoint (and with a caveat that everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid):
We had to do IVF – unassisted conception was not going to happen for us, and IUI was not an option due to our specific issue. Physically, it was not difficult – I had pretty much no side effects from the medications, didn’t do my traditional workouts during stims or following retrievals but walked 5-6 miles per day throughout those times and I think that helped me both physically and emotionally. It was an emotional rollercoaster at times (we had 2 out of 5 retrieval cycles where we ended up with 0 euploid embroys – ouch), but I always felt like our journey was meant to happen in a certain way, even if I didn’t always understand it in the moment, and that I couldn’t control that (and if it is relevant – I don’t practice any faith, so I’m not entirely sure where this “let go” mentality came from!). Our relationship grew in ways we couldn’t have predicted, and we are stronger for having gone through what we did. We’re going to be better parents because of the lessons we learned about communication, pulling as a team, etc. while going through the process.
No matter what you decide to do, know that this internet stranger is rooting for your happiness and supports your choices.
Disco Janet
Thank you! It’s really good to hear this kind of story as well, I really appreciate you sharing. It’s a lot to consider and think about and it’s so helpful to here all sides. I think I want to get to the point where no matter what happens, I know I’ll be ok with the outcome – it’s definitely a journey!
anon
I don’t know, it seemed like the typical navel gazing overly emotional stuff Cupcakes always has. She wasted 10 years on natural healers and never even bothered with IUI. Having had multiple IUIs, I can assure you that it’s nothing more than a pap smear. It’s fine she decided that fertility treatment isn’t for her, but she also went about it really inefficiently. Her “story” could very well have ended in pregnancy had she really wanted it, which it sounds like she didn’t.
Anon
I feel for her journey and it seemed like she would rather not have kids than try those things, which is a valid choice. But yeah, she didn’t try IUI or IVF and seemed to write off trying getting pregnant after she turned 35. I think her journey is perhaps not the best example for people who have a stronger desire to have children.
Anonymous
It was also going to be very, very expensive for them to go the IVF route. I get that — it’s like that would be the devil should she have had kids, especially if she had had multiples / premies / or medical complications. Saying no to debt is OK!
Anonanonanon
Yeah, the making 35 the stopping point for a real pregnancy was concerning to me. I recoiled a bit at that, but it’s obviously her experience.
Anon
Yes. I can understand not doing ivf, but not doing iui (except for religious reasons) seems strange.
Having kids after 35 isn’t a big deal. The fertility cliff is at 37, technically, and it’s really 40 when the risks start to get really grody.
Then again, I’m a total curmudgeon who grimaced at the part about two children, a girl and then a boy, three years apart. That’s not how it works and it seemed like she would rather throw in the towel than have her not-dream kids.
Anon
I cringed at that too. Life obviously can’t be planned that way and I feel like that’s the kind of thing middle school girls say, not adult women.
anon
What I learned from this thread: so many of you judge others on what they do or don’t do to try to get pregnant, and gauge how much they “really” want to be a mommy accordingly. Just wow.
AnnOn
This is just my take, and unless you’ve been here maybe it’s hard to understand this stance, but here I go. I’m in the middle of a Battle Royale for child #2. #1 was really bad, this is 10x worse. I’m incredibly, incredibly sick and tired of these rosy, filtered, cutesey letterboard, a pretty arrangement of your dozens of injection needles, curated blog posts about people’s individual fertility “journeys”. It absolutely positively sucks and is the opposite of a filtered, insta-worthy, bloggable posting. It’s ugly, it’s messy. If you’re in the middle of a massive cry-fest break down over the fact your insurance just dropped a bomb on you, or that your fertility clinic nurse forgot to check a box that delays you a cycle, or maybe just because your hormones are off the charts insane, but you know enough to stop and snap a selfie for your post? I just can’t. Turning “Parental FOMO” to “Freedom of Missing Out?” – please gag me with whatever is within reach. Maybe this is a classic “Good for you, not for me” but especially with this particular blog I cannot for one moment believe there are not ulterior, traffic-driving motives.
I’m ALL FOR TALKING ABOUT IT. For normalizing it. Gosh. I could talk about the warning signs I had for literally years that would have saved us, literally, years. I can’t wait to educate my daughter when she’s older so she can be armed to make decisions for herself. But some things are just not meant to be curated to blogable perfection and I sincerely hate attempts to do so.
Anon
Need an internet hug?
fdsa
Also fighting hard for #2 now. You’re not alone. I’m seriously thinking of offering to fund freezing my (now toddler) daughter’s eggs in about 25 years, so she doesn’t have to deal with this crap.
anon
I always thought I would do this for my daughter if I had one but I’m pregnant with DS #2 (from my own frozen eggs no less). By then there will be something even better than frozen eggs, I’m sure of it. They are already working on ovarian tissue freezing which maybe will become mainstream. ((hugs))
Anon
I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what that’s been like. I hear you on talking about this in a less made-for-insta way and I would love to hear about what those warning signs were for you.
Anon
I feel you. I’m not going to read the article and some of the criticism of it (they didn’t try hard enough) stings. I’ve lost count but I think we are into year 5 of infertility and in the last 3 months we have embraced having a childfree (not by choice) life. I have gone back on birth control for medical reasons. I tried 3 IUIs, 1 IVF out of pocket, 1 exploratory surgery, acupuncture, prayer, timed intercourse, OPKs etc. There are people that will say if you only did 1 IVF, you really didn’t try. I had such severe emotional fall out post-IVF that I’m honestly afraid to do it again. I don’t think I was that emotional just because it failed. I think the hormones played a big role. Oh yeah, we tried adoption too but after a year and one failed mailed match, we are just done.
I was coping really well these last few months until one of my bachelor forever guy friends posted on FB that he and his GF are pregnant. I’m not even sure they’ve been together a year. They seem thrilled and I’m happy for them but something really stung about losing one of my few child-free friends. I don’t have many, particularly by choice. The few I do have are in their own fertility treatments and I hope have success.
I never understood infertility until I lived it. If you had asked me before we started “trying” if I would spend $25k out of pocket at an attempt for a baby I would have told you no freaking way. But we did.
Basically, I will never ever judge anyone elses choices with infertility because they are so inherently personal.
Anonanonanon
So many hugs. I’m sorry. It’s not fair.
Anon
Yup. All of this.
Anon
Ugh, I also cannot stand Cupcakes and Cashmere and will never be visiting that site again. I just cannot stand perma-sorority girl Emily and her team of ever younger, ever skinnier “cool girls.” That site went from vapid when it was just her blog to basically toxic consumerism and narcissism. Hard pass for me.
Anon
My issue with the site is that they don’t seem to know what it should be. Is it a place for personal essays from contributors? Is it Emily’s journal? What is their vision for the site? Cup of Jo is a similar site with much better editorial direction that does a better job mixing personal anecdotes and traditional women’s lifestyle content with much less navel-gazing.
Anon
If you are mid 30s or older and want to conceive, see a fertility doctor. There are easy things you can do (trigger shot, clomid etc) as a starting point. I wasted a year and wish I had just done that. It doesn’t work for everyone but definitely better to get things checked out sooner rather than later since time can be so precious when you want to start a family later in life.
Ellen
I wish I knew all of this 10 years ago. FOOEY! I was stupidly thinking I would wait, establish my career and then get married and have babies. Rosa was smarter. She hooked Ed early, had her kids, and now is able to lounge by her pool watching her kids swim while Ed works inside for Meril Lynch. If I found a guy who could make the money to support me and our kids, I’d be right next to her. Instead, I am in my apartement, on Zoom depos and have no man in sight, with the possibility of marrying anyone soon as well as having a child pretty much nil.
Anonymous
Are there any good books about making partner 101? I’m overwhelmed thinking about estimated tax payments, how to budget without guaranteed income (my firm does K-1 not W-2), and the buy in procedures. I know some of these are different firm to firm but I also am not sure what to ask.
Anonymous
All equity partners at my firm in my city’s office use one CPA. She would be the one to talk to, if your firm works like mine. Especially re foreign taxes (US out of state taxes and international taxes) and quarterly payments. We also have a CFO. We all also use one bank to finance our buy-in, so the woman at that bank is good to talk to, too.
Diana Barry
So when I was in the process of making partner, they gave me the numbers for the firm: what all the partners bring in and what they make. My firm does a calculation for comp that is mostly based on originations, with some of your working receipts, minus overhead, so it was easy to see what I would have made had I been a partner with my originations. Your firm should be able to give you the same calculations of what you would make as a partner. Then you can extrapolate from that of what your estimated tax payments should be. (Get an accountant if you don’t have one – they can also help with this calculation) They should also tell you what the buy-in is and how/whether you can prorate it. (Mine is payable over the first year)
If you’re not used to estimated tax payments, you’ll need to save up to make your estimated payments for the first year. My firm does monthly draws (distributions to partners) and then quarterly profit distributions, but I was underpaid as a nonequity partner so I didn’t end up making less the first year, at all, plus I was able to contribute more to retirement.
Anon
K-1 partner here. There is no book that will truly answer these questions. The answers vary from state to state and firm to firm. Hire a CPA to answer the tax questions, calculate estimated payments, and prepare your returns. Ask your HR department/firm admin how your firm handles draws.
Equestrian Attorney
Are you anticipating making partner soon, or is this more of a long-term plan? I don’t know about a book, but I would recommend finding a buddy on the inside for this. Is there a recent/younger partner you are friendly with? My friend and mentor just made partner, and talking to her has given me a lot of insight into how things work at my firm. I think typical questions include: are there two types of partnership at the firm (income vs non income) and if so how does that work? What is the buy-in? Are there any financing options? What kind of book of business do you need? How does the firm handle origination vs other partners/specialists working on a file? How does healthcare work? As concerns budgeting and taxes, I would work with an accountant – again, if you have partner friends, they might be able to recommend someone. My advice living with someone who works on commission – always set aside more than you think you need for taxes. If there’s extra, throw it into savings.
Ellen
Dad says the Equestrian Attorney is right. It depends. I did not know a thing about Partners except that they made more money then I did, and I was doing most of the billeables for the firm. So my Dad became my advocate, got me to be a full equity partner, and I am now making pretty decent money for all of the hours I am putting in. When I get to be manageing partner, I will have to do more, as I still don’t know any of the tax stuff that Dad does for me; or for the finances of the firm, which Dad reviews. He said that we have a good insurance policy to handle claims and that we have a good lease on our 37th Street office, which he helped the manageing partner with. Dad recommends you get a CPA review the books before you sign on as a partner, b/c if the others are lazy, you will have to carry them. You also have to ask if you want to continue to work hard, b/c in small firms, you do not get a break the way you do in Big-Law, where the partners play golf and make the associates do all of the grunt work. Best of luck to you. I hope you agree to be a partner, b/c there are not alot of us out there! YAY!!!!
anon
You definitely need to talk to a partner at the firm about these things, and also find a very good accountant. My DH is a partner and we had a terrible accountant who completely underestimated our tax payments, such that we were stuck with a nearly six figure tax bill earlier this year even though she kept telling us all last year that she was being very “conservative” with our payments and we were probably overpaying. Needless to say, we’re switching accountants but it was a stressful time.
Anonymous
Congrats on making it! Save your last associate bonus check to cover Q1 taxes. Ask how you are paid: whether it’s a fixed draw with a true up at the end of the year or a percentage of collections. Ask what your initial capital contribution will be, and over how long a time period is pay in. An accountant can then help you prepare estimated taxes.
Anonymous
How’s your relationship with your siblings — is it obligatory or are you really friends — and do they/your parents feel the same about that bond as you?
Was raised in a home where friends were just people you saw at school; my immigrant parents didn’t allow us to go over to their homes, hang out on weekends etc (fear of “Americans” being so different) and to them it didn’t matter because all you need are siblings anyway. Even now my mother talks to each of her four sisters non stop. Yet my sister and I — I think she (and my parents) thinks we’re sooo close and yet it’s one obligatory conversation per week. We’ve been in my parents’ home for 4 days and we haven’t had a real conversation. Seems like all we talk about now is older parent issues or we sit quietly on our own devices so we don’t have to speak. She’s a workaholic who works 7 days a week in a lifestyle finance job (carrying over her habit from investment banking work 7 days per week) and in any downtime watches tv reruns; she basically only wants to talk about work which I don’t care to hear — like who said what on which conference call. Yet I’m open to talking about or doing anything else — travel, hiking, movies, sports etc. What gets me is her and my parents being like — awww sisters of course we’re besties?? Uh I have deeper conversations with coworkers? Anyone else?
Anonymous
So you like her on your terms. Your parents think you are closer than you are. Not sure why your lives going off-script from what your parents think is such a huge deal. Surely you have other outlets and relationships and this can just be what is is, no?
Anon
I don’t have any relationship with my sisters. They aren’t good people. I mean, they are actually really bad people.
Anon
Also a 1st gen America with immigrant parents – though they let us hang out with others, but were relatively strict. I am 1 of 4 girls, and we are close. We fight, and some relationships are better than others, but it’s generally good. We live near each other, and our kids are super close – 9 kids who love each other, including 4 little boys who were born in the span of 2 years. We are close in age, have similar interests (more or less) and are all successful career women.
If you listen closely to what she is saying about work, you will learn more about her too. And that will lead to more conversations about other things that you find more interesting. I would try it. And then, if it doesn’t work, you know you tried. Also, when you are home at your parents everybody regresses, you may want to hang out with her in another setting.
Anon
In between, I guess? I would not say my brothers and I are friends. We don’t talk that often – maybe once every few months or so. But we do randomly text if something reminds us of each other or we need advice, and we definitely have each other’s back when it matters. My parents wish we were closer but they don’t push it much.
Anonymous
I’m the same as anon at 9:39 about my sibling relationship. I’m the only girl between two brothers. My brothers are closer to each other than I am to either of them. I sometimes wonder if it would be different if I had a sister. I know there’s a 98% chance I’d be a totally different person if I had a sister, but I do wonder if she and I would be very close. I think, deep down, I resent how much energy, effort and emotional bandwidth my parents had to expend and invest in my brothers (lots of individual attention, private schools from an early age so much longer commutes/financial strain, my brothers have always had a hard time making friends and in social situations generally, whereas I generally get along with people, can go with the flow, and easily make small talk and bring people together at parties/social situations).
The following is clearly colored by the relationship I have with my brothers, but I think there’s too much stress placed on having this amazing, be all, end all, best friends forever through thick and thin bond with siblings. I’ve mentioned it before on this site, but with my younger brother, I have a “no news is good news” relationship with him. He only calls/texts me to share bad news. He lives in the same city I do (10 minute drive away), and I invite him over for dinner, or offer to get him stuff from Costco, see if he wants to just come over and hang out or do something generally, and either hear nothing or hear that I’m being overbearing (and I only do this like maybe once a month, and I have to drive thru his neighborhood to go to Costco). It’s emotionally exhausting and stressful to try and be what society thinks a “good” sister is because it’s a one way street with him and,quite frankly, we just don’t understand each other. I’m working on trying to be okay with the fact that a lot people don’t understand or pity me about the relationship I have with him.
Anonymous
Maybe start by not shutting her down when she wants to talk about work.
anon
Eh I’m with OP on this one. Work talk is boring af.
Vicky Austin
OK, but if you want to have a relationship with someone, it’s a two-way street. You have to be willing to listen to all of their totally boring interests if you want them to listen to yours. Sure, OP’s sister could probably use a life outside her job, but that’s a separate conversation.
anon
True but that’s a big “if.” You don’t have to be besties with everyone, not even your siblings!
big sis
Yeah I’ve realized that part of having relationships with people (romantic, friends, family) is that you have to care at least a little bit about things that are important to them. You don’t have to care about the specific thing, you just have to care that they care. And honestly, I love seeing/hearing people I love talk about things they’re interested in and seeing their passion. So sure, limit the work talk, but I would be interested in hearing about just because it is such a big part of my sisters life! I don’t actually care about the minutiae of anyone’s work day or what they had for lunch, but if it’s my sister, I care to hear about it because I care about her.
Anon
I agree. Talking about work is a conversation starter. I would use it as an opportunity to ask about her coworkers, her commute, her hours. It’s opening a door.
Honestly OP you sound like more than half the problem here.
Anon
“ask about her commute and her hours” is the saddest sentence I’ve ever read. what a bleak existence.
Anon
Anon at 1:32 – that is such an unkind and uncharitable remark. I sincerely hope you are nicer than this to people you love.
anon
This is my own personal rule. I just don’t talk about work much with anyone outside my coworkers. No one cares or wants to hear it!
Anonymous
? My friends and I definitely talk about our different jobs all the time. Like maybe 10-20% of convos involve something job related.
Anonymous
Yep. People really don’t want to hear specific stories about work, unless you’re like an ambassador. Even if they say they do. They want the generalities – things are good. . . my boss is a jerk. . .
Anon
When I lived in DC every conversation was job-related, which I do not find interesting. Now I live in the South and I don’t even know what some of my friends and neighbors do for work — it’s glorious.
Anonymous
This. Whether friend or sister, a friendship involves sometimes listening to a person talk about what they are interested in even if it is not your favourite topic of conversation.
She might be hurt that her job is a big part of her life and you are judgy about that.
Anonymous
I mean, would you be so judgey of your sister if she were a brother instead? I feel like it’s OK for brothers to be different and very involved in work (or sports or whatever) and that is why they aren’t BFFs with their sisters. But sisters are very hard on sisters when they aren’t naturally BFFs. Like it’s OK. Y’all are different people.
Anonymous
Do you have a workaholic brother or sister? I get what OP is saying. It’s fine to listen/talk about work, but when it’s ALL the other person EVER wants to talk about down to the details of which doctor at work is taking a leave of absence for how many days or how the chief of surgery is terrible managing the department’s budget, it gets OLD fast. I understand the fascination when one is new to the workforce — it’s exciting to them so you listen. But a decade+ into it, come on. I’m proud of my sister and her success but really I don’t need to know the details of every hospital finance call.
Anonymous
I feel that if there are two workaholic brothers, that is fine. Or if one is and isn’t, it’s fine. If the sisters don’t perfectly mesh, OMG problem! I have a sibling on the spectrum who will talk for hours about [random thing] because she can’t sense that not everyone cares to the same degree she does and doesn’t look at faces so can’t pick up that others are tuning out. It’s how she is. I love her and I will never have the Hallmark Movie Channel version of a sister, but she is a good person and just wired differently.
Sisters
My sisters (there are 6 of us all together) and I are friends. We have a running text message group, plus we email longer messages, and we all contribute to the chatter daily. We read the same book at the same time, and discuss, we talk about life, and work, and the kids, and the husbands/exhusbands/SOs, and what we’re doing. We sent photos we took of lovely things we saw during out day and funny memes. We travel together at least one week a year (except 2020). We weren’t always all friends. There is an 18 year span from youngest to oldest, so the oldest was leaving home when the youngest was a toddler. But we’ve been in and out of closeness and contact. My college dorm room was where my oldest sister crash landed when her husband hit her, and where my very slightly older than me sister was proposed to. I’m also pretty friendly with my husband’s 2 sisters. They are both younger than I am, but we text and chat every few weeks and generally enjoy each other’s company. My MIL did not want her children to be friends with one another and deliberately sabotaged their relationships with one another, which makes my husband’s relationship with his siblings fraught with difficulty, and she constantly tries to interfere with my relationship with his sisters. It’s work to maintain that relationship as a result, so I’m happy they are willing to work on it with me, especially as MIL ages and needs us to be able to work together for her sake.
anonshmanon
I find it pretty unusual of your parents to completely discourage you from building friendships as a child. Thus, I wouldn’t dwell at all on my relationships not fitting their vision of how things should be. Fulfilling their expectations is just not a realistic outcome. (Easier said than done).
Anonymous
This. Your parents’ views of what is important and what is fulfilling in life isn’t your view. They had their views for whatever reasons whether it was fear of letting their kids socialize outside of their culture or because they have 6 sisters who they’re tight with and didn’t need friends. It sounds like you DID make friends, whether in high school or college or later. So maintain those friendships and maintain a relationship with your sister even if it isn’t a bestie type of relationship. It sounds like you view life as a balance of friends and family not just family family family whether you enjoy them or not — there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s a very reasonable and balanced view.
anon8
It’s not unusual for immigrant families to limit interaction like that. I’m Indian and my parents weren’t strict about that at all, but I did see my parent’s friends being more strict.
Anon
I know it’s a whole Topic but it frustrates me to no end that immigrant parents bring their families here, presumably for a better life, but then don’t want their children to assimilate in any way.
anon
My parents came here for the money, not the culture.
anon
My brother and I (also children of immigrants) get along fine but we’re definitely not as close as my parents would think/hope. We’re very different people and that’s ok. Keeping a bit of distance suits us just fine.
anon
+1 to all of this, also child of immigrants and my brother and I are now just very different people in middle age. We were very close as children/young adults but we now have extremely different perspectives on life and want different things.
Anon
I’m very close to my sister. She’s probably my best friend. My brother… we are very different people! But there’s a hurricane headed towards us right now and he called to find out if he could help us get ready. That’s how my siblings and I are with each other – here for each other in a pinch. I’m guessing your sister would be the same – that’s so valuable.
anon
I wouldn’t feel like you cared about me as my sister if you weren’t open to hearing me talk about my work. It’s obviously important to her. She’s probably not telling you who said what on a conference call because she thinks you care who said what– she’s telling you about her experiences. Dig a little deeper. For example, if I tell someone that opposing counsel did xyz crazy, obnoxious thing and I’m so over it, I don’t expect someone to care about what that person did and what it means for the case — the purpose is to convey my experience with my day and potentially how I’m feeling about my work overall. In my good friendships, this leads to deeper conversations about career growth, life goals, how we find meaning in our work, what is just normal part of work frustration and what is a deeper issue that needs work.
Doesn’t sound like she has too much down time, so you expect her to talk to you about travel and hiking? Does she even get to do/care about these things? Do you even want a closer relationship with her?
HW
My sister and I are not close. We don’t have much in common and have very different personalities. Our parents recognize that we’re not very close and then get overly excited any time we spend time together.
Anonymous
My dad doesn’t speak to his only sibling. My mother is on frosty terms with her five siblings – they all go on vacation without her, she sees them at their parents (my grandparents) home. I have four brothers and two sisters in law – we all talk, voluntarily, once a week or more, I talk to my younger siblings almost every day. We are really close but I don’t think this is because of my parents at all.
Anonymous
twin brother and I are not close. We live and different cities and we’re naturally not the type that would call just to chat, so we just… don’t. We don’t dislike each other, we’re just not close at all (and haven’t been since we were like 6. We were just pretty different people with different interests and friend groups growing up).
anon8
Not close at all to my brother. He’s nine years younger than me so that’s part of the issue. When he was still in middle school, I moved out of the house for college so we didn’t spend a lot of time together.
I remember when he was in law school and flew back home to visit I would pick him up from the airport and try to make small talk about work, school, etc. I would get one word answers from him and he never reciprocated the conversation. He went to a prestigious Ivy League law school so I know he has to be more communicative in his work life.
When we get together with my family for holidays, my husband would try to make conversation with him and brother would again just give one word answers and not communicate much.
I feel like he’s pretty spoiled too and sometimes it’s downright rude the way he talks to our mom. So I guess I don’t like my brother that much. We text happy birthday to each other, but that’s the extent of our communication. He lives in another state, but I don’t see myself flying out to visit him and hang out with him.However, I’m very close to my husband’s sister and I’m so thankful for that relationship.
My mom is very close to her two brothers and I know she wishes the same for me and my brother, but I just don’t see that happening when it seems so one-sided.
As far as your sister – can you try steering the conversation to other topics? Is she receptive to that?
Senior Attorney
I was raised with one younger brother in the house, and two older half-siblings whom we saw infrequently. I don’t speak to younger brother (he’s a full-on MAGA-head and that’s not even his worst quality) or half-sister (she moved all the way across the country 40 years ago to get away from the family and that was probably a good call). I’m friendly with older half-brother but we speak maybe quarterly and see one another once a year max.
My family of origin is/was not the most function of families…
Anon
I have a great relationship with one sister and a cordial but cautious relationship with another.
If I met these women in real life I’d be instant best friends with the sister I have a good relationship with, and would go out of my way to avoid the other.
People turn out differently. The only thing the one sister and I have in common is where we grew up. That’s not really the basis of a friendship.
CountC
I can’t remember the last time I spoke with my sister, not because she has done anything wrong (she hasn’t) but because we are VASTLY different people with very different interests. If she needed something, I would help her, but we are not friends. My parents have no illusions about this and have never once asked me about my relationship with my sister or given any indication that they care one way or another.
CountC
FWIW – my father is an immigrant and I am first US born on his side and third on my mother’s side (her and her brother are one and two).
Anon
I have a lot of siblings (8 spread out over ~25 years) and therefore a lot of inter-sibling dynamics.
Some of my siblings, especially the ones who are super close in age and just mesh well personality-wise, are inseparable and have massively overlapping lives. None of us are rivals/view each other negatively, but there are plenty of sibling pairs who talk just a few times a year at family gatherings.
I live far away from the rest of the family, and I talk to one of my sisters basically every day over text and maybe once a week on the phone. I talk to another sister 2-3x a week over video or phone, another every other week, and another in spurts (we’ll talk almost every day for a week or two, then go about our separate lives for a month+). Some of us just really click and others don’t or have such different lives that our connections are meaningful and kind but infrequent. There’s something to be said for asking for the relationship you want (starting convos about travel, scheduling an in person meetup or video call, sending texts just to stay in touch) and also something for just letting the relationship be what it is.
My parents have all kinds of ideas about our sibling relationships. They’re mostly idealized or 10 years out of date. It doesn’t really matter, though, because our sibling relationships don’t involve them.
Anon
My sister and I are close in age (Irish twins) and were extremely close as children and through our early 20s. I was always the one she went to for advice and support, and we shared many of the same friends and had fun going out together, just the two of us. At some point around the time my sister got serious with her now-husband, our relationship got more distant. I’m not sure if that was a coincidence or if she just eventually felt that now that she had a partner, she had less interest in spending time with me, but now, I only hear from her if she needs something or if there is A Reason (ie: news about our parents) for us to be talking. We are now in our early 30s, and she lives and hour away from me, which she will simultaneously tell me is “so far” if I want to get together, but “super close” if she needs a favor that requires me to come to her. She rarely asks about my life or checks in, even if there is some type of personal emergency she knows I am going through. I see her when we get together with our parents for holidays and we always have a great time like we did when we were younger, but then it immediately reverts back to her barely responding to my calls, texts, invites. It took me years to accept that she has no interest in spending time together anymore if it is not on her schedule, which was a source of consistent hurt to me. The way that I handle my relationship with her now is to enjoy time spent with her when we are together, but not waste my energy or embarrassment bending over backward to try to get her to spend time with me. Although it still makes me sad on occasion, she is more like an old friend from college at this point, and once I stopped pushing to try to get our sense of closeness back and accepted that, I was better off.
jfdksl;
Life is long. My sister and I were at war as teens, distant in our 20s, but now, in our 40s, pretty close. You never know.
Anon
My siblings and I are 7 and 13 years apart. My parents have bad relationships with their own siblings but CONSTANTLY give me and my siblings a hard time about not being closer. I quite like one sibling but the other I have little in common with an don’t particularly enjoy being around. We see each other about 2-3 times per year, never separately from the parents.
Seventh Sister
My sister and I are cordial, and do get along really well as 40ish adults, but we aren’t BFFs. Some of that is distance, some of it is lifestyle, but I think a lot of it is personalities. If I’d gone to the same college with my sister, we would probably have been friendly, but not friends. My parents don’t really give us a hard time, even though my mom and her sister are super super close.
We loathed each other as children – seriously, her wedding toast was a (humorous) apology about all the terrible things she’d done to me when we were kids. Really, really rough-and-tumble sibling rivalry. It didn’t help that my parents really pitted us against each other – Why don’t you have a bunch of friends like your sister, Seventh? Why don’t you get straight As, Sister?
Lifting trainer in these times
I think it’s time I got serious about my fitness level (fallen off a cliff) now that I am about to have a Significant Birthday. I’d like to get myself some training sessions re lifting, but gyms in my state will be closed for at least another month. I live in a house and have a yard/driveway and see some people working out with trainers outside. I also belong to the Y.
Would it make sense to see if an independent trainer can come and walk me through some basics (have good assortment of hand weights up to 10 pounds each but no barbells or kettlebells)? Or just wait until things reopen because I wouldn’t be able to do much with what I have on hand. [IDK if any place in my city does outside-under-a-shelter fitness now, but that might be something to try.] In the end, I think I’d revert to the Y that is by my office if we ever reopen, but that may be so far out as to not matter (but I wouldn’t wind up along-time trainer client likely, I just think I need to get started right).
Anonymous
If gyms are reopening in a month, I would check out Sydney Cummings on YouTube for now for some basics and then start with a trainer with legitimate equipment when gyms reopen.
CHL
Maybe try something like Jennifer Nagel’s fitness? I heard her featured on Best of Both Worlds – it’s virtual training. Or I’m sure an independent trainer would be good too. I also do Beachbody on demand – I like the Autumn Calabrese ones 21 day fix and 80 day obsession but there are others.
Anon
There’s no reason why you can’t work out with a trainer outside – go for it! They’d probably be thrilled to have a customer and it’s the perfect time of year to do it. You can do a lot with what you have on hand.
Anonymous
I agree that you should check out getting a trainer to walk you through a few programs. But I disagree that “a good assortment of hand weights up to 10 lbs” gives you much to work with. Talk to the trainer about other equipment, and maybe they can bring you some heavier weights for the joint sessions, but I would at least acquire some resistance bands. If 10 lbs feels heavy now, okay, but unless you are just doing cardio exercises while holding weights, it won’t feel heavy after a few weeks of consistent workouts.
Anon
Eh, I am in good shape and don’t use resistance bands. I’m sure they’re helpful but there are plenty of exercises and ways to get in shape that don’t require any equipment at all.
Anonymous
Okay. You do you. But the OP specifically said she wants training sessions re lifting. Lifting 10 lbs will lose its appeal very, very quickly.
Anonymous
I was walking my dog at the park one morning and saw what looked like a really fun group fitness class outside. Turns out they also do personal training sessions after the class throughout the day at the park. I’m really excited to check them out.
Anon
I promise I’m not sponsored by them, but if you want to try some YouTube workouts until gyms reopen in your area, Fitness Blender has some great programs. There’s a Low Impact program that incorporates some dumbbell strength exercises, and it’s on sale right now for $7.50. Their workouts can be done with any size dumbbells you have, and they say or show modifications for most exercises. I have not done the Low Impact program, but I recently did one of their bodyweight only programs and loved it. I definitely got stronger during that. I’m now doing one of their programs that incorporates dumbbells and am getting stronger still, even though I haven’t used anything over 15 lbs yet.
I have not tried the online small group type training that has popped up in this time, or had a trainer come to my house, so I can’t speak to those options. I have worked out with a trainer in the past, though, and I had a really good experience. It was motivating to me to work out with someone once a week and then know that I would get a list of things to do for the rest of the week.
Whatever route you decide to go, I’d say don’t wait. You absolutely can get stronger with limited dumbbells, or even with no dumbbells at all. I have felt a lot of sadness in this time period, partially because I feel like my life is on hold and I’m just waiting for things to get back to normal. I’m now trying instead to do things that bring me joy right now and stop waiting. That’s one reason I started doing the Fitness Blender workouts. I felt myself losing my fitness while sitting around waiting to feel comfortable going back to the gym. I finally decided that I don’t know when that’s going to be, so I needed to find a different solution. Now I look forward to the workouts every morning before work, and I think I’ll keep doing them even after COVID is over.
Honey
Does anyone have any experience with the new birth control implant that goes in your arm? When I met with my doctor yesterday, she said a lot of women were opting to use it instead of an iud. How bad was implantation vs an iud?
Anon
I don’t really know anyone here who uses it, but it was very popular in the sub-Saharan African country I worked in. Women really liked it because it was discreet, insertion was easy, and it was private from the husband.
Anon
God that last part is so sad.
Anon
It really was. It was also common for women to seek tips to “negotiate” condom use with the understanding that it would be a struggle. Ready to cancel men just remembering it.
Anonymous
IIRC the older style ones were obvious on people with thin arms.
Ribena
Is it new? I’ve known lots of women who use it for 10 years or so. I think it has the same issues as any other LARC – long acting reversible contraceptive – in that some people respond differently to the hormone mix. I knew one woman who had constant spotting from hers, for example.
You can feel the implant through your skin, so if you’re squeamish it might not be for you.
DCR
I have the arm implant. I wanted to be on something easier than the pill and not have to think about it every day, but the about the idea of a iud made me very squeamish. The implantation was fine. They give you a local anaesthesia, so I didn’t feel it at all. My arm was a little sore for a few days and it bugged me to put pressure on the site, but nothing that was a big deal. I can feel it through my arm if I try, but not unless I actually search for it. It’s not like I feel it often. It was the right choice for me.
Anon
Following! I was planning on posting this very thing. I was on the pill for 7 years and stopped taking it when I developed extremely painful cyclic breast pain. I’ve been off it for about 6 months now and my breast pain has eased more and more each month that I am no longer on it. But….condoms aren’t an ideal method of birth control for me, so I need to look into something else. The thing is, I’m scared that anything hormonal will just do the same thing to me re: cyclic breast pain. I’m also too squeamish for the IUD (not the insertion, just the thought of it being up there). I’m left with wondering about the arm implant.
AnonMPH
The implant will have more hormonal implications than the IUD because hormones have to be released in your arm and travel through your bloodstream. For hormonal IUDS the hormones are more localized and tend to be very low dose. Copper IUD is completely non hormonal.
Though the insertion is worse I think many people would be better off with an IUD option. Arm implants tend to have worse issues with spotting and weight gain. I can’t find the citation right now but believe more women get the implant removed early than IUDs because they get so fed up with the spotting and weight issues. Can confirm it is much more common in developing countries, but this is in part because there is much more limited access to providers who are trained to perform IUD insertion/removal.
Of course for everyone it is a personal decision but for those who are just worrying about the insertion I promise that it is such a short moment of pain. Like, less than 10 seconds.
Mrs. Jones
I had the arm implant about 8 years ago. I could feel it a little bit in my skinny arm. Implantation was easier than IUD in my opinion.
anon
I have the arm implant. I tried to have the IUD inserted and it was a failure. It was extremely painful being inserted (no vaginal births and a high cervix). Doctor blamed a “tipped uterus” so it wasn’t in there correctly and he took it right back out. The arm implant was painless for insertion. My arm was sore for about a week. It made holding my infant a little hard in certain positions or lifting her up. But it was more annoying than anything. They tell you to feel it about once a month to make sure it hasn’t migrated elsewhere (apparently that’s a rare but possible occurrence). I have a small red mark from the insertion. I didn’t have a period for 6 months after I first got it. Then I had periods for 3 months in a row. It’s been another 2 months so far without a period. My sister has had two IUDs, no vaginal births, and said the insertion of the IUDs were uncomfortable but not painful Iike I experienced.
anon
I had one for several years, and liked it just fine. For me, the insertion was much easier than an IUD- the IUD wouldn’t go in, despite terrible pain, and the Nexplanon arm implant…well, honestly, I don’t even remember it, it was such a nonevent. I remember yelling at the nurse that no one had told me about the arm implant.
I have a better OBGYN now, who I’ve been seeing for years. She switched me to depo shots and bcp as I’ve been working on different treatments for migraines and endometriosis (and now ttc).But I had no complaints about the Nexplanon implant.
Albatross
I haven’t had an IUD, but insertion of my Nexplanon implant was completely painless – they numbed my arm thoroughly, it just felt like tugging. It bruised rather impressively, and I had to leave some bandaging on for most of a week. It has wonky effects on my period (extremely light flow, once every several months, but it lasts a couple weeks), but that’s uncommon. I recommend it!
Mal
I got Nexplanon a little under a year ago, and really like it! It’s actually the first hormonal birth control I’ve ever been on. Periods are a irregular, but they have been lighter and easier to deal with. The insertion was no problem – no pain. I bruised for a while after but healed just fine. I’m grateful that I have a birth control that I don’t have to remember to take, and that help me relax about getting pregnant accidentally. One big benefit for me was the peace of mind – the instance of pregnancy on the implant is the lowest of all methods – even better than an IUD. My doc even said that she’s seen folks become pregnant with an IUD, but never the implant.
Like others, I was squeamish about getting an IUD, and if the implant didn’t work out, it would be easy to remove. Luckily, I’ve had no problems.
Anon
New? I’m pretty sure I learned about it in middle school s 3 x ed.
SOS
sooooo I found a scrapbook (UGH) in MY house from a trip that my husband took to paris with one of his colleagues, definitely not a work trip, on a week in February when he was supposedly in california on a work trip.
ouch ouch ouch. What a sloppy liar. I don’t even know what to feel but I need to tell someone right now including anonymous internet people :(
Anonymous
Wait your husband cheated on you and made a scrapbook of it? What straight man has ever made a scrapbook? How is this even possible?
Anon
I was also really wondering this. I used to love a good scrapbook, but even I haven’t made one since college? Or was his colleague a male?
But, SOS, really sorry to hear.
SOS
I’m guessing it was her. but honestly, what kind of simp makes a scrapbook for her affair boyfriend.
BLERG. this is brutal. and lo and behold he’s on a trip right now (???) so I have 5 days to figure out… what?
Daffodil
Having those 5 days is actually a really good thing. Find a lawyer today and get their advice on how to proceed. By the time you confront your husband when he gets back, you want to be secure financially and legally re next steps. You’re feeling a ton of anger and outrage and hurt right now, but make sure you also take practical steps to get things in order. If you can, recruit a friend to help you.
Anonymous
“Simp” ?!?
Red flags all over this post
Maudie Atkinson
Seconding Daffodil. You don’t have to make any decisions about getting a divorce now if you’re not sure that’s what you want, but talking a lawyer, finding a therapist (if you don’t already have one), getting a good picture of where your finances are, etc., are really good things to do right now.
Senior Attorney
Oh I’m so sorry. BLERG TIMES A MILLION.
Yes to the lawyer, therapist, plan.
Move some money into an account where he can’t get to it. If there is to be a separation, you will need a war chest.
Flats Only
And put the scrapbook in a safe deposit box, key with your lawyer, after you make a digital copy of it and store that online.
Anonymous
I’m a straight woman and crafty and I can’t imagine this. OTOH, people used to get nudes painted of their mistresses, so perhaps a sign for the times.
And, sorry — this is bad. Bad bad bad.
Anon
I’m going to guess that the (presumably female) colleague made it and gave it to him as a gift. I’m sorry OP.
Minnie Beebe
I’d probably get the money in order *today*, contact an attorney, and then giftwrap the scrapbook along with a GTFO note and leave it where he’ll see it– maybe in his car? But I am petty AF.
BeenThatGuy
+1 I vote for this
Daffodil
I’m so so sorry OP. I found out about my husband’s affair a month ago now, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Do you have a trusted friend to talk through this with? Sit outside somewhere and talk? I’ve been leaning hard on my support system, and am so so grateful for my friends and family.
This board is also amazing. I got so many responses when I posted last month, and it made me feel like I wasn’t alone – finding out about an affair happens to so many good people who do not deserve the lies and betrayal.
Elegant Giraffe
I sincerely hope this post isn’t real. But if it is, I’m so glad you are getting such a glaring red flag that he is not a good partner.
Amber
Since he is not home, I would go through all of his things in the house and see if you find anything else he is hiding. I agree that you should also find out what you can about your financial situation (especially if he is in charge of paying bills and managing the money). Use these few days to make a plan – how will you confront him, will you want to leave or ask him to leave for a little while? Good luck and keep us posted if you can.
Monday
+1. I’d access statements of any shared credit or debit cards, and check account balances wherever you can access them.
I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth, I can absolutely believe this story. Some cheaters are just really sloppy about it, but also some subconsciously want to get caught. Who knows, the affair partner may even have left it at your house without him knowing, wanting you to find it. Good luck to you, OP.
SOS
YEP thank you all for the gut check.
have been finding papers in various bags and someone forged my signature on a Joint Petition for rretrievable breakdown which is dated January 8th (but court site doesn’t reflect the docket #?) Also found some paperwork from an Avalon apartment complex, not sure if that’s a crash pad for the scrapbooking girlfriend, found some cutesy notes, receipts from Van Cleef, more receipts from their trip to Paris.
divorce attorney called – though if anyone has a recommendation for someone killer in Boston I am all ears. I would have played nice and walked away until now. he makes all of our money but I know exactly where it is and how much.
(*sorry to the anon for offending you by using the word simp, but here I am discovering my husband’s double-life so my language is a little unchecked with rage. I assure you I’m a real person*)
Anon
I went to law school with Kyle MacDonald of Verrill Dana. She’s been there a long time so I suspect she’s great at what she does. She was a very nice person in law school.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I had a similar situation a few years ago. It will get better. Just take it one step at a time. I’m also in MA. For a joint 1A petition,he can forge your signature, but you both would need to appear before the judge, so he can’t forge your appearance in person…
Did you look on the Mass Courts website to see if the petition was actually filed?
I also suggest you get a cheap burner prepaid cell for calls to your attorney, assuming you have a joint cell plan.
Anonymous
[If this is a real post] While sifting through his things, I would also pack them in boxes.
Anon
Assuming you don’t use co*doms with your husband, I would also call your doctor and make an appointment for full STD testing.
Anon
+1 get a full exam and blood testing
Anon
Take pictures of the scrapbook immediately.
Anon
Another thing to consider when you do confront him is having a friend or family member nearby (in another room) if you think things may get ugly or you will need some support. Or at least tell someone when you plan to talk to him and make plans to check in with them after (and for them to check on you if you don’t). Good luck!
Anon
Adding change all your passwords and carefully go through share settings on any digital stuff (google docs, icloud, etc.) to the to do list. It’s also a good idea to get all your important paperwork together and create a backup of any critical files. If all goes well you won’t need them, but if things go poorly you will have seriously mitigated any damage.
Anon
My company has determined that there is a need to improve the quality of our writing and editing. We’ve had some incidents where emails (or even deliverables…) with major typos or issues have gone out to clients. I’m in charge of part of the training seminar we’re putting together and while I know what to focus on for some of the particular issues we’re seeing, I was wondering whether anyone can link to an easy-reference grammar guide or fact sheet of some kind to help our employees who struggle with things like “there” versus “their”, run-on sentences, and so on. A longer course could be helpful too, but if anyones knows of a quick and easy one-pager that we could offer for printing, that would be great! I see a few options on Googling, but it’d be nice to get a rec for something from a more legit source.
CB
I wonder if a corporate grammarly subscription might help? It’s not perfect but catches a lot.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes a Grammarly subscription would catch issues like there/their, and I also think that any important communication that is going out to clients really ought to be screened by a designated person whose grammar is strong before sending. I’m not sure that any one seminar is going to get through to those who struggle with grammar.
Elegant Giraffe
Not a one-pager, but you might consider material from Eats, Shoots & Leaves.
Anon
I don’t think I’m going to be interested in that if there’s no Oxford comma in the title :)
Ribena
Aha, that’s the joke of the title! It’s a great book. Make sure you get the edition that’s specific for your side of the pond.
anon
I know you asked for a one-pager but kahn academy has some video content on grammar. I also check grammar girl if I’m questioning myself.
Anonymous
If any of your employees learned English as a second language, consider some reaching out to local ESL resources for some ideas. I was with a BIG 4 for 25 years and worked with some brilliant people who had trouble with English grammar. A couple of them took some ESL courses that were helpful, as the English language has a lot of exceptions to learn.
Anon
Cult of Pedagogy has some great targeted grammar exercises and references designed for high school students who make common errors. They could also be used as part of the plan to address repeat offenders. https://www.cultofpedagogy.com/grammar-spelling-errors/
Anon
Oof. I think y’all need to also start making writing samples part of hiring. That seems much more efficient than trying to teach adults the difference between there and their.
Anon
We do that, but writing samples are so hard to judge. How are we to really know if the candidate had their mother proofread the writing sample or whether their work on a final report for college will translate well to same-day client memos? It’s been really tricky to pin that down.
Anonymous
Have them complete a brief writing sample at the end of their interview & submit it right then?
Anony
No specific recommendations but I’m ‘that’ person for my office and routinely screen slide decks, memos, correspondence with customers, etc. because a lot of the engineers I work with struggle with writing. Is there someone that can do that in your office? An admin or Ops person? Anyone with a history of copywriting or editing? When you are a decent/good writer and have an eye for errors, it’s very easy to skim documents, see errors, and do re-writes. You’ll know if you have that type of person – they, like myself, are not shy about reaching out and saying “hey, if you ever want me to look over anything before it gets sent out, I’d be happy too!” I actually did that to a self-published textbook author whose first edition we used in my master’s program (it was riddled with errors); he sent me an autographed 2nd edition after they hired someone to skim it for problems haha
Anon
*happy to
Lol
bellatrix
I edit for a living. If adults are having trouble with “there” and “their” — really having trouble, not an occasional bad keystroke now and then — then you need more than a one-sheet. You need a) a person whose sole job is to proofread anything that goes out to clients; and/or b) grammar intensives for employees who need it. Grammarly is okay as a backstop (I use it), but I’d say it finds “errors” that are not errors about half the time. Better than nothing, but not your best solution. LinkedIn Learning has a grammar course that looks pretty robust, but I haven’t taken it.
Amelia Bedelia
can someone talk to me about making my own sparkling water? I drink a TON of plain sparkling water – upwards of 4-5 cans a day. I’ve started buying bigger bottles and recycling, but even that creates too much waste. Someone mentioned there is a make your own soda machine. I’ve looked at it, but am hesitant to buy something so expensive if it is really not as good. Any experiences? recommendations?
Anonymous
I have a sodastream. If you’re truly drinking plain sparkling water it is 100% worth it.
I like flavored, so I’ve had to do some experimenting to make it taste close to the expensive brands I like…I recommend true citrus (dehydrated citrus powder) or flavored bitters, for anyone interested in flavored but non-sugary seltzer. It doesn’t taste like spindrift but it’s close enough!
Lily
We have the mid-tier soda stream (one touch) and are happy with it. We haven’t tried flavors but will squeeze a lemon in sometimes. It definitely saves us money, but it’s not cheap, so probably only worth it for people who otherwise drink a good amount of sparkling water. I really like that we aren’t wasting so many cans, but there is still some environmental cost (unit is made of plastic, and you have to ship the CO2 cannisters back and forth to get refilled).
PolyD
I put a few drops of bitters in my plain seltzer. There are all sorts of flavors, it doesn’t add sugar, and you can find kinds that don’t have alcohol (Fee Brothers). And even though a bottle of bitters can be pricey, you literally only use a few drops so they last a really long time.
That said, I have a SodaStream and I don’t like it. It doesn’t get the water very fizzy. This may be a plus if carbonation bothers you.
anon
DH always pushes the soda stream 3 or 4 times, to get it super bubbly. Just in case you hadn’t played with it.
PolyD
I have done that and it’s still not fizzy enough for me. I guess I like my seltzer to bite me! But I’ll probably try playing with it a little more. I’ve also heard that cold water fizzes better, so I’ve been using that.
Anonymous
I have had a soda stream since they first came out, and have had many versions of them since then (going on ten plus years). My husband and I consume a HUGE amount of just plain seltzer. The entry level version produces the fizziest seltzer water (much fizzier than the fancier versions of the machine). If you live near a bed bath and beyond, you can use their 20% off coupons on the refills.
anon
I’ll admit it The convenience of exchanging the cartridge at BB&B(i.e. their market dominance and availability in many retail locations) is what keeps me with SodaStream, although I take issue with their involvement in Isreali settlement.
Amelia Bedelia
thanks! I definitely prefer my water VERY fizzy.
RR
I love my Soda Stream. Super easy and makes great sparkling water. I like the fruit drops to flavor it (from Soda Stream), but like others said, there are lots of options.
AnonMPH
Love love love my soda stream. I would ingest all my water in seltzer form if possible. I also like it very bubbly. Can recommend leaving cold water in the bottle(s) in the fridge all the time, then take it out and bubble it when you want the seltzer. The carbonation works better if the water is cold ahead of time. Also seconding the person who mentioned needing to press it enough to hear three or four of the loud noises from the machine before it is bubbly enough.
I only drink plain seltzer so can’t speak to the flavoring issues.
Anon
i thought this was an interesting article with some extremely salient points: https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/covid-risks-stop-seeming-so-scary/2020/08/21/09c286c4-cc49-11ea-bc6a-6841b28d9093_story.html
Anonymous
What’s it about? What points do you find interesting?
Anon
lol, found the wannabe law prof.
anon
Or she’s annoyed by people who post links with no explanation as to why it might be interesting?
Anon
+1 i cannot stand people who send links with ‘this is interesting’ but can’t be bothered to explain why. Looking at you, previous manager.
anon
Agree — it’s helpful to look at various choices through this lens.
Anon
I really liked this article and have been observing the same trend among my family and friends. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who is still isolating, but then again, I’m one of the only high risk people in my circle. This is a good reminder to check myself on the times that I have gotten more lenient.
I wish my boss would read this article too so she could see how just because she went to the office twice and it was fine doesn’t mean we are all ready to come back. Then again, she just spent seven figures on a new vacation home so maybe she will be more willing to work from home there…
Anon
I think this is also a good explanation for why we see so many people saying “I FELT safe doing it…” or “it didn’t feel unsafe at the time.” “Feeling” means nothing. I’ve tried to gently push back when my family members have said things like that, at least for the big stuff like my 70-year-old aunt wanting to rush back to the gym (“but they clean everything twice daily so it felt safe”), but there’s only so much you can do that will get through.
Elegant Giraffe
+1 if “feeling safe” was a good indicator, we wouldn’t have rampant spread
PolyD
Ha. Anyone want to talk to my parents about this?
Plus there are giving me and my sister a hard time about being more cautious than they are. I mostly ignore it, but it really bothers her.
Anon
This has been your daily reminder to LIVE IN FEAR!
In all seriousness, I find analyses like this one of cognitive bias as it relates to COVID risk perception incomplete, to put it charitably, if they only examine bias that may lead to underestimation of risk without considering bias that would lead to overestimation of risk. For example, anchoring bias, availability heuristic, framing effect, etc. Humans tend to overestimate risks with which they are unfamiliar, so why doesn’t the author of this article consider that people may have been overestimating risk in March, instead of implicitly assuming that this baseline was well-balanced? I don’t find this oversimplified analysis useful at all. Maybe the underestimation bias is outweighing the overestimation bias for many people, but I need more to convince me than “case numbers are rising!!!” This author is making way too many assumptions without justifying them. To be fair, doing that would be difficult, so I see why she skipped it.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, people do tend to overestimate familiar risks… but people also tend to underestimate familiar risks (which is precisely what this author is saying).
Aunt Jamesina
Ugh, obviously I meant that people tend to overestimate UNfamiliar risks but underestimate familiar risks.
Anonymous
“Humans tend to overestimate risks with which they are unfamiliar, so why doesn’t the author of this article consider that people may have been overestimating risk in March, instead of implicitly assuming that this baseline was well-balanced?”
This. Thank you.
Anon
It’s 100% fine with me if people want to overestimate risk at the start of an unprecedented global pandemic. Is there even such a thing? If only we had shut down for real…
Anonymous
I don’t disagree, but there is no recognition that that happened in this article, so the lesson seems to be “DON’T STOP BEING AFRAID!” I certainly think we should all continue being cautious, but perhaps the couple who created a three bin system for bringing items into their home in their garage, involving moving items from three-day-hold to two-day-hold to one-day-hold to inside after being thoroughly wiped down with a precious sanitizing wipe should also be told they can relax and put their cars back into the garage. There is more information now and we should be responding to it. I also agree completely with the premise of the article. I, myself, have been out in the world (while taking what I believe to be adequate precautions) all along and haven’t gotten bitten by the bug yet (nor has anyone I know). I realize that this has affected my outlook and I need to not get careless. I remind myself of that all the time. That said, this article lacks balance.
Aunt Jamesina
I think the people you’ve described are significant outliers and we now have far more people who aren’t taking enough precautions than are being overly precautious.
Anon
A lot of people I know have had COVID, one young healthy person I know died. That doesn’t mean I never leave my house, but the reason more people weren’t badly affected was because my state shut down strictly.
Anon
yes, this is why exposure therapy works for phobias. the more you do something, the less scary it becomes and the more safe it feels. which is good if you are scared of something like blood or flying on a plane or spiders or something like that, but not so good for something like covid
adj df
If you have an Apple Watch – what’s your move goal not counting exercise? I know to set it higher if I’m working out and I know what I expect to burn, but not how many calories are expected to be burned day to day.
Anonymous
I am trying to lose weight so I set it for 500 calories per day (to equal 3500 per week) – I think that’s incremental over the normal calorie burn? Not sure if I’m doing it correctly, honestly, but as long as I hit 10,000 steps, 30 minutes of exercise and 500 calories, I figure I am doing enough.
A.
I’m 39 with a desk job but the one positive of quarantine/COVID was that I started recommitting to my health/working out — it gave me a sense of control in a crazy world, and has been one of the few times I can be alone/away from my loving family of 5. I set mine for 400 a day (the default was 350) — if I even go for a walk I blow that out of the water, but I will rarely hit that on a “normal” (non-workout) day so it’s a reminder to push myself. Thinking I should probably move it to 450 sometime soon.
Anonymous
Please tell me how you do this! My Apple Watch never credits me with more than 60 calories per mile on a brisk walk. To hit 400 calories for the day, I have to take a 3-4 mile walk, do an HIIT workout, and then spend the rest of the day cleaning or doing yard work.
A.
My walks are always 3-5 miles so that’s how it works I think!
Murz
I’ve been enjoying baking over quarantine and my next goal is to learn and perfect a pretty desert I can take to family gatherings (when we start having those again). I want it to be a bit more elevated than cupcakes, but not so complicated that it’s very timing-sensitive (needs to be able to ride in a car and be prepared in advance). I made mini key lime pies which were delicious, but not very aesthetically pleasing. I’m thinking maybe some sort of tart or mini cheesecake? Any recipes would be much appreciated! We have a few dairy sensitive people in our family, so dairy free would be great, too! TIA!
Anon
I make Claudia Rodens’ Orange and Almond Cake from the nyt site. It’s oranges / almonds / eggs / sugar / baking powder. Link to follow.
Good luck!
Orange and almond cake
https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/3251-claudia-rodens-orange-and-almond-cake
Anon
My go to recipes that without fail blow people away are King Arthur Flour’s Flourless Chocolate Cake (super easy and looks fancier than the picture on the recipe suggests) and Silver Palate’s Linzertorte (much more involved, but so worth it). Both looks great, are nicer than what most people expect/are able to do themselves, and are able to transport well. Linzertortes can also be frozen and still taste great when thawed.
Anonymous
The King Arthur flourless chocolate cake is sooooo good.
Korvapuusti
I also made mini key lime pies, and I think if you have a recipe you like you can make the better looking – for me, that means using a special tin for mini cheesecakes, instead of muffin wrappers, and then grating some lime zest on the top. I imagine you could also use some green gel food coloring to create easy patterns on the top.
Elegant Giraffe
not DF but still really good – Southern Living’s buttermilk tart – trade out the berries for your garnish of choice (bananas and caramel sauce, strawberries and mint leaves, chocolate drizzle, plain, whatever) – https://www.southernliving.com/recipes/black-blue-buttermilk-tart
Anonymous
I do.not.bake. I eat desserts maaaaybe 5 times a year. But this, this looks amazing to me, probably because it will have a lower sweetness level. Thank you for sharing.
Elegant Giraffe
You’re welcome! It is lovely. You can go scant on the called for sugar.
Anon
This is fancy and not as hard as it looks: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/berry-blitz-torte-recipe
Anonymous
The chocoflan recently featured at Smitten Kitchen is definitely not dairy-free, but delicious and very impressive.
Diana Barry
+1. And pretty easy TBH – although I am an experienced baker so YMMV.
Anonymous
I agree that it was pretty easy. In fact, I found it easier to make the cake + custard and bake the whole thing together than it would have been to bake a regular cake, make frosting, and frost the cake.
I was pleasantly surprised to find the dulce de leche available at my local grocery store and Walmart.
Minnie Beebe
I’ve made (several times) a madeira cake with lemon glaze. (Madeira cake does not contain madeira wine! Not sure how it got its name.) It’s a buttery sponge cake, similar to pound cake but with a less delicate crumb– it’s easy to make and keeps well. The lemon glaze elevates it (and is ridiculously easy to make.)
Anon
It is called that because you eat it whilst sipping a glass of Madeira.
Jules
My go-to dessert (for the last parties in the Before Times) was the Smitten Kitchen Chocolate Olive Oil Cake topped with the glaze from the Smitten Kitchen Plush Coconut Cake (which is just powdered sugar and coconut milk) and then shredded (unsweetened) coconut. Both are dairy free. If I was being fancy, I sprinkled sparkly sugar on top. It looks pretty and tastes like a Mounds bar.
anon
Ugh, I’m hitting that dreaded work-from-home wall again. There are definite perks to working from home, but I still can’t get used to the lack of separation between work and home life. I have a door that I can close. It’s still a psychological barrier more than a physical one. I told my husband I needed to leave the house today because I was going crazy and then it occurred to me that I have nowhere to go. It’s not like I’m going to sit in a coffee shop or public library for hours. It doesn’t help that it’s going to be 97 degrees today and being outdoors is pretty miserable this week. I was actually jealous of my KIDS because they get to go to school and be away from the house — how freaking sad is that?!
Anon
It’s understandable. I feel the same way. And my home is no refuge, between the very zealous HOA yard maintenance guys who come 3x a week using very loud, very fume-y equipment and the roving gangs of feral neighborhood kids who are out screaming morning, noon, and night (yes, they are equipped with flashlights for the night part). I am filled with rage and have nowhere to escape, not even a coffee shop, as you say. i hear you, I feel you, OP!
Anne
The only thing I’ve found the helps is hiking on weekends – it’s such a reset. Much harder in this heat but can you go on an early AM hike on Saturday?
Anon
Not OP, but hiking was my respite as well and now it’s not possible in the Bay Area. Sigh.
Anonymous
It’s not? Why not? All of our trails are open in my large East Coast city.
anon
I’m guessing wildfires.
Anon
Not 10:41 but yup. Cause of the wildfires I can barely sit in my backyard.
Anon
Air quality ranging from unhealthy to hazardous (worst in the world last week), wildfires in all but one county, and most parks are closed. So…no hiking.
pugsnbourbon
Even if you’re not close to the fires, the air quality is terrible.
anon
The Bay Area is on fire and under a thick layer of smoke. Outdoor exercise is not advised.
Anonymous
Not OP and not in CA, but I assume wildfire season/air quality issues.
Anon
I’m guessing you don’t read or watch any news at all?
Anonymous
Ah right. Of course. sorry.
Anonymous
Brain fart. There’s kind of a lot going on in the world and in MY world. Slipped my mind.
Anon
Same. My home “office” is in our basement and in almost every way clearly the best place for me to work, but it doesn’t have a window by my desk and I am finding that really affecting my mental health.
I just ordered a large painting of a beautiful sunlit forest to try to fake a window with a view hopefully that helps :)
pugsnbourbon
My wife’s office was in the basement, too, and it was really doing a number on her. She invested in a sit-stand desk on casters and it’s made a world of difference. If you can work upstairs even a couple days a week, it might help. Otherwise, I’d add a happy lamp to your painting, or even a small UV lamp and a plant.
Anon
A UV lamp is a good idea. Thanks
Equestrian Attorney
No advice, but I’m right there with you. I always thought I would enjoy WFH, but being cooped up is driving me completely insane and the HOA is doing something on the roof and it’s incredibly loud and distracting. I really wish I could go spend a few hours in a coffee shop.
pugsnbourbon
It’s like Groundhog Day but with cabin fever.
Trixie
Sometimes I go to the Mall and sit in a soft chair, or at a little table and chair, and just space out and work. It is indoors but with lots of room, AC is great, wifi, and well, it is a place to go.
Anon
I was always decently fit and ate decently well and I’m young so the periods when I ate poorly/didn’t exercise never caught Up with me too much.
Covid is another story. I’ve definitely gained some weight, but most notably my shape has changed and as a result only 2 pairs of my pants fit. I skated through summer and stretchy pants but I’m ready to make a change.
I need to eat better, improve my cardio and gain strength but I don’t know where to start. I was a college athlete so once upon a time I was decently fit but that was five years ago. I know I’ll need to do strength training to combat the “saddle bags”, but I don’t know what to do. I eat fine but should absolutely improve that too. Any tips from starting from almost zero but not quite (like couch to 5k is probably too easy for me to start – I can run a mile or two. But I’d like to eventually run half marathons and I can’t jump straight to that training)?
Anon
You can jump straight to half marathon training; look at the Hal Higdon plans.
Depending on your risk tolerance for in-person events, you can probably find one for the winter or spring and train for that.
Anonymous
Not saying don’t run (I’m a runner), but if you want to lose weight, the only way to do that is to eat better/consumer fewer calories.
PolyD
Yes, I’m happy/sad to say that I think a significant reason I haven’t gained much COVID weight is that my boyfriend and I are sharing dinner cooking and he tends to eat more low carb. I also changed my morning toast to yogurt. Not eating out or getting take out much probably also helps, but I think as you get older, lower carb eating is helpful.
I still have a piece of bread at lunch, but am eating far fewer carbs for dinner and breakfast.
Anon
Yup I want to lose weight and get my fitness back.
Anon
You can, but it takes a lot of mileage while continuing to be conscious of what you eat. For me, I don’t have the time to maintain the mileage necessary for weight loss by miles-only (about 30/week for me) As I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten harder. Gone are the days of running off whatever garbage I’ve eaten, which is sad. I’m pretty sure I’m part raccoon.
Anonymous
Yes, and running makes me ravenous. I have been cycling and losing weight at a good pace in lockdown, and then I started switching for a run a few times a week and immediately I couldn’t stop thinking about food.
Anonymous
What has worked for me is, first, lower-carb, lower-volume eating and then, second, weight training.
Back Issues
I could use some perspective on back pain/back injury.
Two weeks ago I woke up in moderate lower back pain, but without a noticeable “event” that caused it. (I’m blaming it on horrible ergonomics, because my WFH was so short that I never bothered to set up a good space, so I was slouching cross-legged on my bed over the laptop for two months. Stupid on my part, but back issues are totally new to me, so lesson learned.)
I’m unsure if this requires medical intervention. I’ve had some tingling in my left leg, and some random throbbing in my neck and right arm, plus even gentle exercise like walking had to stop due to the pain. I’ve seen slight improvement from sleeping on my back without pillows and from lying on a hard floor when I come home from work, but setbacks keep popping up. Twisting, crouching, or lifting does not hurt at all.
I know from friends and family that treating back issues tends to be drawn out and involve a bunch of specialists. Pre-Covid I would get it checked out immediately, but now I’m trying to limit my appointments/errands due to a fragile family member.
Based on personal anecdata, do you think I should just give this some time and baby it, or start the process of diagnosis?
Anon
I don’t mean to be rude, but it legitimately baffles me when people post about symptoms like tingling in the legs related to back pain and then ask “should I see a doctor?!” Yes, immediately. Go today. Don’t post on the Internet about it.
Back Issues
Normally I’d agree with you, but things are different now. I’d like to not kill my mother over something that isn’t debilitating.
PolyD
You could probably do a telemedicine visit first.
Z
Its not debilitating now but it could get worse quickly.
Anon
Doctors are taking a lot of precautions to avoid spread. Start with telemedicine, but if in person treatment is required. I am confident it’s safe.
Anon
I agree with this. I’ve been to lots of doctors in the last few months, even though I’m one of the more cautious posters here – for instance, 100% grocery delivery since March – but when you gotta go, you gotta go. Your health issues need attention. The doctors offices I’ve been to have been largely empty and extremely clean, the staff are all appropriately masked. Some of them are even wearing the full face shields.
It’s one of the safest places you can go right now.
Anonymous
That’s just ridiculous. There’s no reason that an injury or symptom needs to be debilitating at this point to go to the doctor.
Z
I would not wait to go to the doctor and start physical therapy. Doctors offices have lots of protocols and are very safe. My friend just had sciatica and was suffering with it for several weeks thinking it would just get better. She started physical therapy and can actually walk without pain again.
NY CPA
Agree. I was NOT leaving my house for anything but then I had unexplained back pain. It got worse, rather than better over 1.5-2 weeks of waiting for it to “heal”. It was debilitating enough that I was nearly in tears multiple times a day. I was very scared about the COVID risk (this was still in late April or early May, just outside NYC, and I was living with my parents in their 60s), but the quality of life improvement from physical therapy was enormous. It was well worth the risk in my case. Turns out I had slipped a disc in my spine, but I thought I was having muscle pain. Everything I was trying to do to “help”my back turned out to be exactly the wrong thing to do for my spine, and I never would have figured out the correct ways to help on my own.
NY CPA
Also, my issue turned out to have likely been caused by ergonomics (even though I had bought a purpose-built office chair within a week of quarantine starting) and greater time spent sitting.
Elegant Giraffe
Sounds similar to sciatica which can be a symptom of disc herniation and other fun issues (ask me how I know) and probably won”t go away on its own. Yeah treating back pain will be drawn out – you’ll start with an x-ray, then maybe an MRI, then you’ll try physical therapy, maybe a steroid injection, etc etc. But you can stop at any point if the pain goes away or if you decide you’re willing to deal with the pain.
The original Scarlett
I would go to a chiropractor
Anon
Sorry but no – if you are having tingling and other symptoms PLEASE do not go to a chiropractor as a first step. You could end up with worse injuries.
brokentoe
I experienced a similar chain of events a number of years ago – bad ergonomics led to neck pain and tingling that I didn’t immediately connect to the pain and ergonomics. It rapidly progressed and I was a mess – turns out the ergonomics exacerbated degenerating discs that were previously asymptomatic and I wound up with a C5-C7 disc fusion of my neck. Don’t mess around – get it evaluated (and not by a chiropractor – they are good for some things, but not this).
white coats
MD that sees patients with your symptoms here.
Call your primary care doctor, and schedule a telemedicine visit. At a minimum, the doctor will screen you for red flags, decide if you need any testing, and give you a referral for PT (which you can do virtually) or give you a link to an exercise program you can start yourself. If things don’t improve, I would see a neurologist before going to a surgeon, as surgeons want to do surgery, if you know what I mean.
And work on a better chair/work set up. You can also ask your doctor for a referral to an OT for a work place ergonomics assessment, that can likely be done virtually as well. But it sounds like you know you have to get off your bed, sit in a good chair with your computer at the appropriate height etc… Many links online that step you through what you need.
And no – back pain does not mean that you go down a road with a bunch of specialists. The vast majority of back pain goes away on its own with no intervention or minimal changes (etc. core strengthening exercises, fixing ergonomics). This is one of the most common complaints in medicine.
Back Issues
Thank you! To confirm, I’m back in the office full-time and ergonomics there are good. I just didn’t bother dealing with them at home, since I knew I worked for a butts-in-seats company and WFH wouldn’t last long. (That was obviously the wrong decision.)
Anon
Anyone have experience navigating applying for EU citizenship? One of my grandparents was born in Italy, and my eligible parent was 99% successfully through the process, assured they were eligible, but hit a snag that grandparent’s name was different on documents (e.g. Giorgio on birth certificate, but George on marriage certificate.) Basically, my parent isn’t willing to do the work to resolve it themselves, so we’re trying to figure out if an immigration lawyer is needed ($$) or if there are folks in other capacities who can be compensated to help with the process. Thank you!
anon
A few weeks ago someone mentioned italiancitizenshipassistance (dot) com– I’m just starting the process too so I don’t have advice but good luck!
Anon
Yay that was me! I tried it thinking my great-grandparent hadn’t been naturalized before my grandparent was born, but the folks at ICA did some research for me and confirmed that I wasn’t eligible. Had things turned out differently, I would have gladly paid the few thousand for their full service package! They do have different tiers of service available depending on how much support you need.
Anon
If any one has suggestions for assistance with application for Irish citizenship, please let me know. I know that I qualify based on my family’s history.
Anon
Smart on you to get this done. My mom qualifies for Canadian citizenship but I can only get it if she gets it and she’s not interested. Oh well for me.
BeenThatGuy
Next week, I return to the office. I’ll be working one week in the office then one week at home. I’m comfortable that my company has taken all the right precautions to protect us. I’m ready with my lists so I can be prepared to get out the door the morning as effectively as possible. What I can’t see to get a handle on is my extreme sadness for having to be away from my son. He’s 12, so he’ll be going to school (virtual and in person) and can handle his schedule on his own. This is by far the longest amount of time we’ve been together consistently. My maternity leave was “only” 4 months; quarantine has been 5. I’ve enjoyed this time with him immensely. Everything from leisurely mornings, treating him to a hot lunch, and even taking reading breaks together. I find myself weeping when I think about being away from him all day. Any advice? Does anyone else feel this way?
Anon
No kids, but I think that is sweet. It’s a silver lining of this horrible year to have had that connection, isn’t it? You’ll adjust again – just give it time.
Anonymous
I have a 13-year-old, and 99% of the extra time I spend with her is ruined by her whining about being stuck at home and being asked to do basic things such as getting out of bed, showering, and laundry. I can’t wait until it’s safe for her to go back to normal life.
Anon
That’s not helpful to OP
Anonymous
OP is asking whether anyone else feels the same. Clearly this person does not.
Tea/Coffee
“My maternity leave was only 4 mos and quarantine has been 5.”
OMG that is me too, interesting way to put it! I would treat it similar to returning from mat leave – take the first few days easy. Actually what I have found is the first few days are no-work bc everyone you see wants to catch up!
My kids are younger, and I catch myself at night starting to say “see you in the morning” which I never used to be able to say before.
You will be able to actually talk about what you did that day, over dinner, which I find is a nice return to normal life. Bc when I’m in the office they can’t HEAR every detail of how my day unfolds in real life and vice versa.
Anon
I think it’s so lovely that you had this time and the good news is that you will continue to have it every other week!
Anonymous
Sounds like depression, actually
Worried
I can relate to this feeling when I’ve spent tons of time together on an extended holiday( in before times) with my husband. When we would return to work after this, we would call this post holiday separation anxiety. We got through it by making plans to do things together when we returned home from work, like go for a long walk, make a fun dinner or watch a new series together. It is not easy, but it will get better!
Anon
I have a 23 year old daughter currently home and I’ll miss her so much when she moves out again, but it’s good for her to be independent and your son might enjoy some more independence too. You will still see him in the nights and the mornings, it’s not like either of you is moving away.
Anon
I feel the same!
I love spending the time with my 8- and 15-year old. They are funny and kind and fun! We have enough space that we aren’t on top of each other and we live in an area with nice weather so we get outdoors more. I like baking together, I appreciate how the older one helps the younger one when I’m on work calls, I like being able to listen in a little to their on-line classes. Also, life has been slower without their organized sports taking up so much time. I’ll miss them when this is all over!
Anon
I think this is very normal, especially with older kids. I practically threw my 2 year old at her daycare teachers when they opened, but taking care of a 2 year old is so hands-on and exhausting. If she’d been a bit older and more independent I can see being really sad about the end of quarantine. It’s sweet, and a sign that you have a great relationship. Since you’ll only be in the office half time, hopefully the transition will be more gradual than when you went back from mat leave. Maybe you can still do things like have lunch together during the weeks you’re at home? Hugs. I’m sure it will be a tough transition at first but you’ll both adjust.
NYCer
Will your son be home some of the days on your WFH weeks? Assuming yes (since you said virtual and in person school), at least you can still have some leisurely mornings and hot lunches together every other week. Focus on those days for now! That being said, it seems normal to be a little sad to go back…I was sad going back after a 6-month maternity leave, and this is somewhat (but at the same time, not at all! lol) similar.
Anonymous
Gift idea – for mom of three kids. Pregnant with #4 (due this fall). Turning 33 or so. They live on a farm and I’ll need to ship it or have it shipped. They have huge flower gardens, she doesn’t really like ‘spa-stuff,’ and she’s chasing 3 kids around while working full time so I don’t think a book or new movie would be used. I’m stuck at a gift card, which feels impersonal, but I also don’t have anything close to the same life – childfree, city dweller. Thoughts?
Anon
Great coffee beans or loose leaf tea? I don’t know if that goes too far into “you need caffeine” territory, but it’s something that I would love to receive and would personally use.
Anon
Add in fancy pastries or something and you have a nice gift that she wouldn’t be likely to buy for herself. A bit impersonal, but thoughtful.
A.
Mom of 3 here! I vote for an upgrade of a “normal” thing. I don’t know her interests or your budget, but: great coffee (or a coffee subscription, even better if it’s from a small roaster or a place local to you), AirPods for work calls, Ugg slippers, Netflix subscription, beauty box subscription, delivery dinner from somewhere nearby to them that’s fancy-ish (i.e. just for her and her spouse/partner).
Anonymous
Mom of three – fancy coffee or fancy bath bombs or shower gel (or both if you don’t know if she is a bath or shower person). No matter how crazy things get, I always need to shower and drink coffee so an indulgence on those would be great.
Anon
Specifically, Kiehl’s Creme de Corps body cream and oil shower gel.
Update from last week
I am the OP who last week was on the nasty gram email from a potential job candidate and was freaking out about my boss’s reaction. Good news follow-up, my boss hasn’t mentioned the email to me at all and, in fact, reached out to me to support my application for a more senior position in another business unit yesterday!
Thank you to all who left me kind comments.
CHL
That’s great! Love to hear how these situations turn out. Good luck on the new position!
Amber
Yay, that is great!! I remember how bummed you were last week and it is so nice to hear this update.
Anon
These pants are all I wear (wore) in pre covid office life!!! I have several pairs and can’t recommend enough. Back zipper makes a very clean line and it holds shape very well. You can find them on poshmark for $60-90 often!
anon
Good to know! I would never buy them based on how they look on the model.
Anonymous
If you don’t mind sharing, what body type are these pants best suited for, and how does the sizing run compared with the brand’s jeans? I find Rag and Bone skinny jeans to run TTS or even a bit small and their other jeans styles to run at least a size big, so I am assuming these skinny pants are on the smaller side?
anon
Finally gave in and bought a robot vacuum (Eufy), and it picks up probably 1/4 c debris, hair, dirt, etc every day. Every day! How dirty was my house before this? How is it getting so dirty? (Answer: 2 cats, 4 humans). But seriously, this thing is incredible and not having to sweep is amazing. This was my compromise to the idea of a house cleaner during COVID, which my partner is against.
Moonstone
I love the Eufys — they have a lower profile than Roombas so they get under couches, etc.
NY CPA
I have a similar one, and it picked up a huge amount the first probably week or so. Eventually it evens out and I can go a couple of days without emptying the bin out. But with pets, it might be different. I walk around the house in socks most of the time and that thing is seriously a game changer! No more filthy socks!
Anonymous
Pets add a whole different level of filth. For dogs, I highly recommend the Furminator. If we brush our golden retriever with the Furminator every other day, the amount of fur that accumulates on the floor is reduced by about 90%.
anon (OP)
I love my furminator for the cats but they only get brushed twice a week. I don’t think they have a ton of hair, but again, the vacuum says otherwise.
Anon
Pretty dirty. When I bought my first roomba I thought it was just catching up with years of deep debris our regular vaccuuming didn’t get. But two years later it’s still picking up a great deal every time. It’s amazing and disgusting at the same time.
Thanks for Goodr Rec
I’m not sure who it was, but someone recommended Goodr sunglasses. I loooove them. My regular plastic Ray-Bans constantly slipped down my nose when I was wearing a mask. The Goodr ones grip my nose, and it has totally solved the problem. Highly recommend.
Vicky Austin
I think I was the one who asked for suggestions and got that recommendation – a hearty second. They are awesome, and so far seem to be very tough (dog snuck them out of my purse and ran around with them, dropped, etc).
Anonymous
Same! I read the rec and then remembered it when I came across a Goodr display in a shop recently. I purchased and I am so glad I did. I have fashion sunglasses but needed a fitness pair.
PNW
My spouse is a Canadian citizen, although he hasn’t lived there as an adult, and we are planning within the next year to move up there. I am in the process of applying for permanent residence so would be authorized to work. We’re planning on Calgary, which is a lovely city and matches our lifestyle as well as being close to family in the US.
I work for a global industry so have had numerous Canadian colleagues and clients over the years, and have spent a fair amount of time there on vacation and visiting family. It seems like the job search and general workplace culture is similar enough that I wouldn’t be too out of step coming from the US, but I wanted to check and see if anyone with relevant experience could confirm that? I’m a director level professional, mid-late career. I need a license in my work, which I am already in the process of getting as Alberta has a reciprocal agreement with my US state license so that shouldn’t be a hold up.
I don’t want to make the assumption that just because it looks similar it’s exactly the same, and miss any big cultural cues that might put me at a disadvantage when it comes to the general job search process or making a good fit with a company.