Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Slate Blue Chloe Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’d love to tell you this is the last shirtdress that is going to catch my eye this summer, but that would probably be a lie. This perfectly elegant dress from Tuckernuck comes in five other colorways, but this light blue is just a stunner. If you need a topper for a chilly office, I would add a navy blazer or a navy sweater tied over your shoulders.
Add some fun shoes and you have an outfit for any summer office occasion.
The dress is $298 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes XXS-XXXL.
A couple of more affordable options are available at Nordstrom from Mango (lucky sizes, $59.99 on sale) and Caslon (XXS-XXL, $109).
Sales of note for 7/19:
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale has started! Here's our big roundup of the best workwear, as well as everything we've selected thus far.
- Ann Taylor – Semi-annual sale, 60% off sale and 40% off everything — readers love this blouse and I always love the variety of colors/textures for this jacket (it's a great separate)
- Banana Republic – Summer sale up to 60% off sale styles + extra 20% off
- The Fold – Up to 50% off, further markdowns
- J.Crew – 50% off select cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off
- Lululemon – Summer sale!
- Me & Em – Sale! Up to 60% off (new lines just added)
- M.M.LaFleur – 25% off jardigans (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Nordstrom Rack – Clear the rack, extra 25% off clearance! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work dresses from Calvin Klein, Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Talbots – Red Door Sale! Prices start at $15
- Theory – End of season sale is on!
My husband thinks I’m ‘forcing’ my lifestyle changes on him.
Context we both work 37.5 h union weeks, we both earn north of 100k, he technically earns about 5k more than me but I take home more because I have better insurance. We each have a 5 minute commute, no kids. White urban dwellers, somewhere very blue.
I do all the cooking and cleaning, not by choice, just through failure to even the load despite trying very hard.
Onto the issue at hand I decided to cut back on caffeine (6 months ago so idk why it’s coming up now) so I make one pot of coffee take mine and that’s it. I don’t make a second pot of coffee because I’m not drinking any. DH is free to make more coffee but in the past 6 months I’d guess he only exercised that option 3 times. Recently he’s been saying I’m controlling and forcing my lifestyle changes on him, despite having arms and legs to make his own coffee, nay I’m forcing a sad caffeineless life on him because he doesn’t want to make his own pot of coffee.
How’s the quality of the rest of your marriage? This doesn’t sound like it’s about one pot of coffee
Because of all of the information provided about earnings, take home pay, commutes, kids, insurance, cooking, and cleaning outside of the coffee pot, this coffee issue is not about the coffee – the coffee issue appears to be, at a minimum, about a total division of labor. If this were about a pot or two of coffee, none of that other information would have been relevant. The coffee is the straw breaking a camel’s back in one or both directions.
Yup. Like in an otherwise healthy marriage, if it helps your spouse out a lot, sure, you put on the giant pot of coffee so there’ll be enough for them too. In a marriage where a pot of coffee is causing 6 months worth of problems, there’s other problems.
NBD for him to make his own; it’d also be a kind gesture for you to make him a pot. This sounds bigger than coffee?
The women in my family only marry men who handle the morning coffee, so it’s definitely our love language.
My mother has always maintained this is the way, joking that the Bible says it’s the husband’s job. He …. brews…
It’s the natural order of things.
+1. I am not a morning person and I can count on one hand the times I have made a pot of coffee. I literally have to google ‘how to make a french press’ if my husband is traveling.
Mine gets me special cans of cold Boss coffee when he knows he’ll be out of town.
:)
So you make a pot of coffee and take the whole pot of coffee, or he still has a cup in there for his morning?
Damn, I really thought I was pedantic enough in my post to avoid comments assuming the worst. But my bad not enough detail.
Our coffee pot makes 3XL mugs, I drink one mug, NOT a whole pot. It’s also an insulated pot so it keeps hot a long time.
how could you even make a second pot if the first one is still two-thirds full? His complaint is both annoying and dumb. This sounds like it is about more than coffee…
just a thought, from DH’s perspective, could it be “my wife knows I love super fresh coffee. She doesn’t drink the whole pot anymore so I always end up with the leftovers that are just keeping warm. I wish she would just brew enough for herself and then start a second pot fresh for me.”
I get the annoyance if he doesn’t otherwise lift a finger… but is that what’s happening?
So NTA. You are leaving enough coffee for two mugs for him.
Agree!
I would not make a second pot of coffee, but the tone of your response here makes me wonder if this is your usual. If so, there’s a larger concern because you sound done—whether it’s the marriage or more global burnout is unclear.
OP, I read your post to mean that there was enough coffee left over for him to have some.
Having just yesterday gone through a very clear, precise social media post getting wildly misinterpreted so that people could shame me, and I’m still riding that low… hug.
That’s so silly I’d want to call him on it. Like what is this really about?
But if he really just likes it that much when you make two pots of coffee and he makes none, then it seems like he should be willing to pick up some other task instead, even if it’s just “doing the dishes.” Because how is he not forcing a lifestyle of doing all cooking and cleaning on you?
Or, similar to yesterday’s conversation about work martyrs, is this a household chores martyrdom situation?
Anyway, if it were really just about the coffee, I’d buy a new coffee maker that makes the desired total amount and insulates it well, so nobody’s making a second pot.
He wants caffeinated but is unwilling to make his own.
Oh I didn’t understand that it was decaffeinated; I thought it was just about quantity!
If he doesn’t want to make coffee in the morning, he has all kinds of options. Instant coffee. Brewed coffee concentrate and a tea kettle. A Keurig. A timed coffee maker that he sets up the previous day to brew coffee at a set time the next morning. There’s no need to fight over the same pot!
wait, so you make a full pot of decaf, take part of it, and leave just a dirty pot full of decaf that he doesn’t want… so when he wakes up not only is he needing to brew his own coffee but also clean the coffeepot of leftovers first? I would be a grumpfest about this too, lol.
Solution – I would buy a second coffee pot so that both of you could have your coffee of choice ready to go upon waking!
The pot I make is regular full caf. I’m cutting down (to one mug a day!) not eliminating.
To Cat’s point, get the second pot. You can time them to automatically make coffee in the morning. This doesn’t have to be a thing you “stand your ground” on.
Get a Keurig. Everyone makes their own cup whenever they want it.
I’m still confused. If you’re both drinking the same coffee, and the only issue is that it’s not enough coffee for both of you without brewing a second pot, isn’t the solution “a coffee maker that brews more coffee” so that there’s no need to brew a second pot?
It’s not the solution to him not contributing on cooking or cleaning. But your coffee maker isn’t making enough coffee!
Coffee is clearly not the main issue, but pretending it is for a minute.
Logistically, how does he anticipate you would even be able to make him more coffee if you are not home to do it? How did this work before you cut back on your own intake?
She should call his bluff by buying a second coffee pot, sitting it on the counter next to the existing one, and telling him to have at it for however much of whatever kind of coffee he wants.
Why do you mention how much each of you earns? Sounds like the dark ages of 40 years ago, when the higher earning, male spouse dictated that he didn’t need to do household labor because he earned “more”. I don’t see any need for you to mention earning here, unless he’s trying to pull this trick. Your neanderthal husband can make his own coffee.
I think she mentioned it by way of explaining that they have equally demanding jobs, which is relevant. This is not a situation in which she has agreed to do more around the house because he works longer hours or has a lot more work-related stress. I’d say his refusal to do any housework or cooking is deeply disrespectful and self-centered. And his inability to make himself coffee that she doesn’t want is absurd. I’d probably divorce him.
you’d be surprised how common this sentiment still is (higher earner should do less household labor). I’ve seen comments to that effect on the moms page and in real life. My husband and I work similar hours and believe everything at home should be divided equally and money is irrelevant, but that’s definitely not a universal opinion.
I haven’t seen anything on the moms’ page about income being relevant to the division of household labor, only available time.
+1. I work part time and my husband works (more than) full time. Of course I do more house hold stuff because I have the time and capacity to do it.
They often go hand in hand. Women on the moms page often mentioned they husband makes the majority of the income (and works longer hours) so they do more around the house.
My husband makes twice what I do and his job is more demanding. I do more of the household labor. It doesn’t bother me—we’re supporting each other.
As the higher earner spouse who does most of the domestic labor, I would love if I could do less household work just because I have a bigger paycheck. But my job is more flexible and less time intensive, so he’s doing the most he can do.
I’ll play. I make between 4x to 5x more than what my husband makes. We do not split equally because my doing well at my job vs average can have six figure consequences in a given year. If there is slack that needs taken up, he does it.
Where do you get that? I see it as an all things being equal situation, she’s doing the bulk of home labor and he’s acting like a baby.
Buy him a pack of caffeine pills at CVS and leave it on his pillow.
Maybe it’s because I’m in the mode of trying to get a kid with a disability to launch, but I just can’t do things for another person that they can do for themselves. It’s different, I think if you are actively pooling resources on a task (e.g., I will go to the store but would like help unloading the car and putting things away; I will change the sheets and wash them but would like help wrestling the fitted sheet back on). But I don’t work FOR my household; I will cooperatively with WITH my household but expect mutuality and agreement so that no one is unhappy.
A sticking point for me: one person likes to drink bottled water and buys that by the case, which can be very heavy and hard to lift out the well of a minivan. So I don’t buy it and don’t carry it in, which I feel is fair because it’s not my item. But there is friction over this. I’d buy a 6-pack, but no more than that. I just point out that I am a small weak person and it’s not worth my back to get a 48-pack of anything but tampons (light item).
you seriously won’t even BUY the water if you’re out anyway? Fair game to ask the water-drinker to unload the car but this seems petty if the issue is lifting out of the trunk and not from the cart into the trunk.
Not the commenter you’re replying to but I would not buy bottled water for anyone, our city has fantastic water (and routinely wins awards) if anyone in my house wants water they can have filtered and chilled tap.
fwiw I agree with you, we only drink bottled water when we’re in places where the tap is of questionable cleanliness! But everyone has their pet preferences and forcing an extra errand on the family unit on principle just seems inefficient to me.
She said she would buy a 6 pack which seems like a fair compromise. I have a bad back too and I wouldn’t lift those huge cases of water either, getting it into the cart and into the car still involves lifting.
It’s too heavy lifting it into the car as well. Not just the unloading.
I think it was “will buy water that isn’t too heavy” but also “will not buy a case of water because that is too heavy.”
The not buy water bottles is a different issue to me. This task requires going to the store. By not buying them, you are making the other household member also go to the store and doubling the amount of work for the family unit. (Buy them but making the other family member carry them in from the car would be a more comparable position to the OP’s example).
Here, whether OP or her husband does the task, it the same total amount of work. It seems to me what is happening is that OP does the vast majority of stuff around the house and is drawing making a second pot of coffee is the line of what she refuses to do. If her husband helped out more around the house, I bet she would be more willing to consider doing that second pot.
The second pot of coffee here is completely different from buying something like a case of bottled water when you are already doing the shopping. Buying whatever is on the list is part of the shopping. Here the second pot of coffee is an entirely separate chore that is purely for the benefit of the husband because OP does not drink it. It is just weird for him to expect her to put on a pot of coffee whenever he wants it. What is she, his secretary?
The water bottle issues sounds like more of a disability issue than a fairness issue (your back isn’t up to carrying water bottles!).
OP on the waters and I would buy a gallon bottle or a 6-pack. Just not a huge pallet of 36 or 48 bottles. I can’t lift that into the cart, out of the cart, out of the car, into the house. It’s just too big and wide in the desired quantity / configuration.
I don’t buy bottled water, but in this scenario, would be tempted to get it shipped to the house.
Right if you can’t reasonably lug it around, you can’t. It’s not because it’s not your item; it’s because you’re not strong enough and, if you’re like me, your arms are probably too short!
We finally weaned the family off water bottles altogether; I don’t really know how it got started in the first place.
oh ok, I thought the only issue for you was lifting it out of the trunk. Carry on requiring the person with the water bottle habit to do their own shopping for that item!
Is this actually for real? Girl, it sounds like your lifestyle is going to also have you eating late at the office / meeting friends / wanting just an apple for dinner a handful of times in the next month just to see if he can make himself his own dinner. Because this guy knows he is getting the better end of the deal and is fighting hard to keep it that way. You’re not even asking him to do communally beneficial work just stuff for himself and he’s resisting! Ridiculous!
I guess. It sounds like both of them are exhausted and are communicating poorly. If neither of you is up for the loving, honoring, and cherishing part of marriage, call it quits.
Yup
This.
Is he adding anything to your life?
That a good question. He sounds childish
The solution here is to buy a second coffee pot or a keurig. My husband went off caffeine and the keurig duo is what we have. Half pot of full caff for me (I WFH), pod of decaf for him.
This is not about the coffee.
Also, fwiw, after you have your cup you should rinse the pot so he can make a pot of his own without having to do your dishes. Starting his would be a kindness but not doing so doesn’t make you the AH.
What would a second coffee pot help? He certainly wouldn’t prep or program it.
I really like my current coffee set up because there’s no plastic so it doesn’t get grody and is easy to clean.
I think it’s okay to make it his problem to solve. He can research and suggest a plastic-free 12 cup coffee maker that you like if he wants things to be the way they used to be!
Or if he really doesn’t do anything besides his day job… What’s going on with that? Is there substance use? A demanding hobby? Does he need a physical?
We have a nespresso for entirely different reasons, but it does solve a lot of this.
Completely disagree
Sorry, just to clarify, are you making a pot of decaf coffee? And then leaving two-thirds of it after you take your one cup? If so, I would just dump out the rest of the decaf (or better yet, get a coffee machine that makes a single cup), and then let your husband make his own pot of regular coffee.
I also do not drink decaf coffee, and I would think it is weird my husband left over half a pot of decaf coffee for me if he knew I didn’t like it. That said, I would make my own regular coffee without complaint.
If you are making a pot of regular coffee, you can disregard this. I just noted that you said “caffeineless life” in your last sentence, which sounds like decaf.
I am making one pot of full caff coffee. It holds 6 cups, which is 3 XL mugs. I drink one mug. So he gets two mugs with the current set up. Previously I used to make 2 pots of coffee so I drank 2 cups and he drank 4.
This is nuts then! There must be more to this than him losing out on 1 mug of coffee.
Agree. Unreasonable behavior to expect you to make more coffee you don’t plan to have. It can be a kind gesture to make someone coffee even if you’re not drinking it, but it is not a reasonable expectation, esp. daily. If it was possible to make a bigger pot on the first go round, that would be fine to request.
What a lazy manboy you have married.
Get a nespresso and go garden with your husband, something else is going on here.
you are forcing lifestyle changes on him… it’s just the lifestyle change is a grown man having to make more coffee if he wants more coffee. I saw a quote once to the effect of: For those used to privilege, equality feels like oppression. He really thinks you are forcing some hardship on him by denying him a second pot of coffee.
I think it points to a lack of empathy.
This is ridiculous, people who are married help each other out, it’s not “oppression.”
But they’re not helping each other out. She’s helping him out, and he’s neither helping her out with anything around the house, or doing things for himself.
I doubt this. She sounds petty and is fast tracking herself to divorce over a cup of coffee.
A man who divorces his wife because he refuses to make his own coffee is not a man worth staying married to. Using language like “over a cup of coffee” disingenuously omits the entire issue. Which I am sure you realize.
He’s the one who is being petty.
Oh nooo this burden of a man might leave, heeeelp.
This
Leave it to this place to be defending the worthless men in 20
Freaking 26.
The quote wasn’t about marriage, it was about society-level inequalities, but I think the sentiment applies to lots of situations (didn’t think I needed to spell that out?)
She is being very selfish because she resents him not helping more in the house despite their equal incomes. She is petty and small minded and headed for a divorce. That man can easily find a nice woman who would love to make him coffee.
I assume this is sarcastic.
Are you doing his laundry? Definitely stop if so.
I’ve read 39 responses to this post and I remain confused. Perhaps I have not had enough coffee. Sounds like you make 3 xl mugs of coffee and take 1. DH needs or wants more than 2 xl mugs. You used to make 2 pots of coffee, enabling him to have 3 or more mugs of coffee without any effort. For reasons unknown, he does not want to have to make his own pot of coffee after consuming the 2 xl mugs you have left for him. How many mugs does he need? Is this a math problem? (i.e., can you solve this by getting a pot that makes 4 xl mugs?)
First steps is to figure out why he’s upset. In a “you and me against the problem” way. He needs to be an adult and articulate his feelings. My sense is that this “forcing life style changes on him” is masking whatever he’s actually feeling because you’re literally not. Is it a time issue for him? Does he make terrible coffee? Is he profoundly lazy? Does he have some kind of emotional attachment to the ritual of you making him a second pot of coffee? Does he need fresh coffee? All of these problems (except for the third) should be surmountable. If it’s the third, and I suspect it may be, then your real work is on evening the load and he knows it, too, which is why he’s giving you this absurd, irrational excuse about forcing life style changes on him. He doesn’t want to come right out and say “now I have to do this for myself.”
read the book Fair Play, and possibly get a deck of the cards to go through with him to help him understand your higher mental load.
I can see Cat’s point about him not wanting old coffee thats’ been on the burner for 2 hours if he gets up later… maybe the solution is to get yourself a pour over coffee cup for the one that you want (fresh and good) and then *someone* sets the bigger coffee maker for when it’ll be fresh for him. but i’d argue that someone should be him since you won’t be involved with the coffee maker at all.
Keurig pods.
And a heart-to-heart about what’s really going on. Are you sure “lifestyle” is just quitting caffeine, or other things? I thought he was going to complain that he doesn’t want to exercise together or something (would be totally valid). But he’s mad you won’t make a cup of coffee that he can make himself? That’s ridiculous.
It also sounds like you’re sitting on a bigger issue, too. It’s time to have the tough conversation about housework. That can look like a lot of different things and might involve agreeing on level of clean or things to outsource. But has to be done so it’s not unfairly put on your shoulders. He needs to grow up.
+1
Agree
I have read all 61 replies and personally, I would spend zero emotional, logistical, or financial energy on this problem. He can make his own second pot of coffee or buy a bigger coffee pot. Meanwhile, you can find a therapist to unpack what’s really going on here and explore whether you want to remain this grown man’s nanny and maid.
FWIW, I am happily married but have deployed “Sounds like a you problem” or “How are you going to solve that, then?” a few times in my relationship, especially early on where we were still finding our footing. But my husband isn’t a selfish lazy d***head so I guess that’s where we differ.
61 responses later, the obvious winner!
Agreed
I was confused and thought she switched to making decaf. It seems like she’s just drinking less caffeine and if that’s true then I’m in complete agreement.
She said it’s regular caf. She’s just making 1 pot instead of 2 because she drinks less.
Finally.
You’re clearly not forcing a lifestyle change because the coffee and the coffee pot still exist in the house. Had you removed them, that would be different.
The only solution is really buying a 12 cup coffee maker that you can alternate programming that brews more coffee to be left for him. That only solves quantity. If you leave at 8, and he leaves at 9, there will not be fresher coffee but that doesn’t sound like it was the issue. It’s that there isn’t 3 whole mugs for him because you didn’t drain the first pot of the full 3 and make a 2nd pot. And as everyone pointed out, he physically can figure out how to make smaller quantities of coffee in a 6-cup maker to get 3 mug fulls. The internet will do that math for him.
oof. Lady you have a lot of resentment built up there.
Most normal people would be resentful of a lazy partner.
i think this dress is adorbs and it’s my color but it has bee around a long time and is knocked off that the time for me to pay this much for it has long passed
This style of dress has been around for like 90 years, I don’t know the quality of tuckernuck but what I’m willing to pay is not based on the ‘originality’ of the design, since nothing is new anymore.
Agree. I only pay based on color/pattern/fabric.
this is like when people talk about a trench coat being classic but one that is 20 years old looks dated. A shirt dress is classic but this particular one is recognizably tuckernuck and has been around at least 3 years.
I mean, ok? I don’t share this Tuckernuck love, and don’t read older items as automatically “dated.” Some things literally stand the test of time, like those good old trench coats. My husband still wears his grandfather’s overcoat and that thing is 60 years old. It’s cashmere and looks great.
We have a contingent here is focused on wearing the latest clothes as seen on the pages of influencers who make their living selling people new clothes every season.
Counterbalanced by the people whose answer to every “I need X item” is thrifting.
Somewhere in the middle live the rest of us, who think this dress is pretty and appropriate to a wide variety of occasions even if nobody is going to think it is the most fashion forward dress on offer.
If I bought this three years ago, I’d still be wearing it now anyway!
Tuckernuck stuff is so pretty but so expensive!!
But not always good quality. I was shocked at the terrible and loud polyester of my striped Sofia shirt.
I am tall–Tuckernuck cuts dresses for people who are not my size. I have a short torso, but most of their dresses are mid-thigh on me (or, like every other dress this year, a maxi dress that is A LOT on a bigger/taller frame).
Those maxi dresses are even more of A LOT on a smaller frame!
This dress is epitome of dull.
I just discovered that 90% of women and 97%(!!!) of men don’t get enough dietary fiber. This makes some of the interactions I’ve had with medical professionals make so much more sense. But wow very concerning especially considering the rise in directly related ailments.
I mean, where do these numbers even come from?
dietaryguidelines.gov! It’s written by the USDA these numbers are specifically from the 2020-2025 report. I was very impressed they managed to get this published TBH.
Big Fiber?
I mean, we are kind of light on the vegetables this summer, but that’s understandable.
This is my question. How did they even decide how much people should get? It’s not an essential nutrient, and diet is hard to study.
I know some of the research is based on retrospective diet analysis where they found that healthier people reported eating more fiber. But how do they know that fiber caused people to be healthy vs. healthy people being able to eat a lot of fiber without discomfort? I’d like to see studies that control for conditions that can make people avoid fiber and are also linked to worse health outcomes separately. Retrospective studies would also need to control for ultra-processed foods consumption, since ultra-processed foods are usually low in fiber but detrimental to health for many other reasons than that they’re low in fiber.
When RCTs on isolated fiber supplements don’t always reproduce the effect of whole food sources, maybe the benefits came from other aspects of whole foods? I guess we’ll see, but my prediction is that they’ll fortify ultra-processed foods with fiber and not all of the get the hoped for benefits.
In the meantime, people on GLP1s should know that high fiber consumption can improve constipation, but can make slow stomach emptying worse.
+”not get all of the hoped for benefits” jesus
I try to eat a relatively healthy diet, but I’m not going to go out of my way to hit an arbitrary fiber number. Just because it’s on a .gov website doesn’t mean a thing to me. The same websites tried to have me fill my plate with bread and grains for decades, too. I’m over making personal decisions based on “guidelines.”
I have lived through way too many food fads, many of them government approved. If I have to artificially supplement to meet a goal without eating more calories than I will burn (and as a post-menopausal woman that is honestly not that many calories) then I mostly ignore it. I prioritize low-fat protein (animal and legumes) and vegetables. Eat simple carbs approximately once a day and sugar when the spirit moves me.
All things in moderation, unless you cannot be moderate. In which case, abstain. I am not sure who said that first but when it comes to food (and alcohol), they are the words I live by.
I eat very healthy and it is challenging to come up to 25 grams per day. I do it, but it takes some effort. It helps that I mostly eat vegetarian and have a lot of legumes in my diet. I also have celiac disease so can’t rely on wheat toast, etc.
I know there’s a big focus on protein, but prioritizing fiber really forces you to eat a lot of produce and non-animal proteins.
It is nearly impossible to get 25 grams of fiber from diet alone, no matter how hard you try. A lot of the foods that you would think have a ton of fiber (e.g., leafy greens) really don’t have much. When I was tracking my diet I was surprised to discover that the best sources of fiber seem to be beans, raspberries, blackberries, and avocados. Oatmeal is decent. Even strawberries don’t have much fiber! But if you are a small woman who eats in the range of 2,000 calories a day, it’s almost impossible to fit in enough food to get 25 grams of fiber over the course of the day. I am trying to add ground chia seeds to my yogurt, but that adds calories and fat.
I think the days of being scared of fat are over.
Not scared of fat, but there is already a lot of fat tagging along with my protein and avocados.
Good! That fat tagging along is what keeps your skin nice.
Lentils are a good source.
Yeah I’m the commenter above and I’m a small woman- 5’2 and 100 pounds. I add chia seeds to a lot of things for the fiber! I add them to oatmeal and green smoothies probably every other day. My kids won’t eat them in yogurt but don’t even notice them in oatmeal.
I thought fiber targets were a percentage goal, not an absolute number to target (I thought the number given was just a “typical number” same as with calories).
Chia seed pudding made with almond milk is magic. 9 g of fiber, 140 calories.
This isn’t my experience at all! Many of the foods that have the most fiber are also low in calories, so they add up really quickly.
It is really not hard at all! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading here. I routinely get 40+ grams and don’t think I have a super healthy diet.
40 grams of fiber? That is quite challenging. I’d be curious to know what you eat to get that routinely, unless you’re taking a fiber supplement.
I don’t know what 12:57 eats, but 40 grams of fiber was NBD on Wahl’s protocol diet, even when I added back eggs and dairy. I didn’t think it was challenging, just expensive.
And Wahl’s excludes whole grains and legumes, which I think would only increase fiber content if added.
I don’t really know what people are eating that’s so low fiber. (Pasta? White bread?)
Today: quinoa, peaches, honey, pecans for breakfast. Apple/cheese snack. Roasted sweet potato, black bean and rice for lunch (tons of cheese and sour cream plus mango salsa, but that doesn’t add fiber). Air fried chickpeas for snack with pickles and ketchup. Dinner was enchiladas.
I don’t track my macros anymore so can’t do the actual math, but this sort of diet routinely got me over 40g of fiber. If you eat multiple types of beans a day, it adds up.
the recommended daily values are just recommendations – it’s very hard to do actual nutrition studies unless you have a closed group like prisoners or something because everyone else needs to agree, comply, and track everything properly.
that said it’s really hard to get 25g of fiber daily without changing my diet. it’s hard to do with a GLP because it fills me up so much and then there’s no room for all the protein i have to shove in my gullet. sigh. i miss when food could actually be enjoyable and i could just eat a mac and cheese or egg sandwich and call it a day, now neither one of those advances the fiber/protein goals shoved on midlife women.
As someone on a glp1, you can in fact just eat an egg sandwich and call it a day. You are not obligated to “meet protein goals.”
+1
You do not have to listen to every influencer that crosses your feed. You have agency here.
Talk to your doctor. Get a referral to a dietitian. One-size-fits-all public health advice is for guiding policies that affect the population at large in aggregate. You’re an individual and you are fortunate to have access to individualized medical advice.
My gastro has also pointed this out when it was time for my colonoscopy. I just eat oatmeal every day with chia seed and ground flax. That is about 18-20 grams of fiber every morning.
It’s actually about half that, assuming a typical portion size of one cup cooked oatmeal and tablespoon each of flax and chia.
She might be using oat bran to make the oatmeal.
2 tablespoons of chia = 10 grams. 2 tablespoons of flax = 4 grams. Oatmeal = 4-7 grams depending on which oatmeal I eat. Sometimes I get oatmeal with higher fiber.
That sounds… unpleasant.
As someone who used to do this nonsense in my 30s, it’s fine–not world altering, but easy enough to choke down. These days I just have my cup of coffee and have early lunch as my first meal of the day.
There is so much that isn’t even consumed. My college kids eat a lot of junk. Both will occasionally eat an apple or avocado. Everyone stopped commenting on the onion and celery saute that gets added to just.about.every.sauce or main dish to bump up fiber. It works year round. They came around to cole slaw over the past year, and the bags make that So Easy. Summer is is our best season for fiber. Berries, cantaloupe, watermelon, peaches, cherry tomatoes and more.
If you had a colleague who was unable to work full time due to serious personal/health issues, would you pester her with emails and messages about things that you could figure out on your own? Or would you use an ounce of brain power and think “Hm, this isn’t urgent, maybe I’ll ask someone else because my colleague is clearly busy dealing with other matters right now.”
Guess which one my colleague is choosing??
I’m convinced this is a personality trait, genuinely.
I agree. I think some people just lack the problem solving ability, I do wonder if they’re born like that or it happens through nurture though.
It’s one criticism I’ve seen of some edtech platforms.
I think MySpace, early tech, and internet really fostered a lot of problem-solving. I learned to code so my page was pretty colors and had music! I figured out really complex and technical trouble shooting because if I didn’t do it myself it just wouldn’t happen.
I think tech’s move to try to make everything as frictionless as possible has had a lot of effects on nearly every facet of life.
Well and the wrong kind of friction can teach helplessness to at least some students!
I felt every word of this i-ready rant: https://moultano.wordpress.com/2026/03/12/our-experience-with-i-ready/
I think that’s what bothers me the most, because I am a natural problem-solver or I’ll at least take the initiative to TRY to figure something out.
TBH, seems like you have agency here and are not exercising it.
I had to ask my direct report “did you google this question before sending me this email?” And the answer was NO.
Based on my workplace experience, this trait is located on the Y chromosome.
Do you have coverage for your reduced availability? Or is that not in place yet?
In my office, the person would need to be on leave or reduced hours, whichever, have emails sent to them, not respond to those emails, and then have the other teams document how the lack of coverage for that function was negatively impacting their productivity in order to justify additional coverage in the form of a temporary employee or consultant. We have to go through the motions in order to establish how much value is missing due to that person’s absence.
They do this on purpose to test you.
Emails are asynchronous, are they not? Does the PT person (presumably you) have any indication of OOO so the colleagues have a fighting chance of knowing responses may not be immediate?
Ugh I just went out on mat leave (haven’t delivered yet, but could happen anytime soon) and one person cannot stop emailing me. I’m out! It’s in my transition plan, and if not please figure it out!
Anyone else had the experience of planning a family vacation with people who ostensibly want to come but make zero effort to make the plan and show no enthusiasm? I posted about this once over a year ago too but the problem is still occurring and I’m not sure how to handle it. The consensus then was book our own place and if she shows up at her own place, great, but the thing this time is that the family would probably go somewhere else entirely if she’s not coming at all. For example’s sake, let’s say the plan is to go to South Dakota Badlands for meeting-everyone’s-budget purposes but if she’s not coming period, everyone else would prefer to splurge on Alaska (which she can’t afford and definitely won’t go to). I’m fine seeing the Badlands but it sucks to agree to that and even still, it’s like pulling teeth to get her to even confirm that they’re coming. She’s great in person once she’s gotten over the hurdle of getting out the door but until then, it makes planning stuff way harder (do we reserve the hard-to-get attraction tickets for 6 or 10 people?) and it kills the fun. Any attempt to have a conversation goes nowhere “yeah sorry I’m just really busy rn but I’ll try to look more soon” and then it never happens.
Perhaps we just stop trying to make this work but my only child already doesn’t have any first cousins – would hate to let the second cousin-level relationship die just because no one gave a f*ck.
Yes, and my brother tried to bail two days before the trip. His wife and kid (who I’ve never met) chose not to come at the last minute, and he came for 36 hours of a 5 day trip (to a place we picked that would be convenient for him). Oh, and I covered the cost since money was an issue for him. Never again.
I vote you pick the place you want to go and give her the details. If it’s important to her, she will either go or actually put in the work to see you.
Hard agree
oh I have zero patience for people like this. You have a history of dawdling, not deciding, not turning up, but holding everyone else hostage to making plans while you do so? Nope. We plan without you.
I don’t remember the full context but in your case would plan to see Second Cousin for a long weekend another time of year.
She (almost) always shows up in the end – if she just straight-up no-showed, this would be easier for me to navigate because clearly we would just stop making plans. We have fun when she shows up but have missed out on specific plans and attractions the rest of us would have wanted to do because we didn’t reserve enough tickets or reservations or whatever in time. Still manage to have fun but with my vacation time being sparse, I really don’t want to keep missing some really fun opportunities. It feels awkward to just book it for ourselves and then say “oh great you came! We’ll be gone all day but see you later!” even if perhaps that is what we should be doing.
I think it’s okay to do the awkward thing! If it bothers her, she may learn to plan in advance. Or she may never learn, but you got to do the fun thing!
I have an aunt like this – she & family are perpetually 45 mins to 2 hours late to everything. Grandma would *always* wait for them to the point of having a dried out gross TG dinner because “we shouldn’t start without Aunt!” and tee-hee how cute disorganized Aunt is!!!
When Grandma passed, my dad (the blood relation) hosted the next TG and served the meal on schedule bc he had always hated the routine. Aunt’s face upon arriving and realizing everyone was eating dessert was priceless. But everyone else was so relieved that they got to enjoy the meal!
That awkwardness is on her. If you won’t agree when you propose the event, you buy the tickets or make the reservations for the people who do commit. Then you tell her the plans and give her the info to buy tickets/make reservations. If she won’t bother to do that, then she is the one who is deciding to skip the group plan.
I have no patience for ruining my vacation because other people refuse to make basic decisions
You need to stick up for yourself and let it be awkward.
I would text during the planning and say, “I know you’re still unsure if you can make it, but FYI, tickets for Great Activity go on sale on Monday, and our kids are really excited about it. They cost $45 each, and they’ll probably sell out quickly. Do you want me to include your group when I buy them on Monday, or do you want to wait until you decide and hope they’re still there?” If she didn’t respond to the text or said she’d wait, I would not feel bad at all about her and her family missing out.
That’s exactly what you should be doing.
Hi Sister! Looking at vacation plans for next summer and are deciding between the Badlands and Alaska. Leaning towards Alaska but also happy to go to SD if that’s more of interest to your family. We’d love to have you join us at either place, but know you may have other plans. Please let me know your preference by (date a month or so away, that is still sufficient notice for you to get housing, tickets, airfare, etc).
This is the answer. Give a hard deadline and stick to it. Maybe if she misses it once, she’ll get with the program.
Yes, this. Put up a deadline and then make your decisions (Alaska, whatever).
Is this a financial issue for her? Does she genuinely not know if it’s affordable until closer to the event?
Budget is part of it but she refuses to commit to a number, which also makes planning hard. Her sister volunteered to do all the research and book shared lodging and then complained to me that it was like pulling teeth to get a response to “this place is affordable and looks good, would it work?”
Can you just take the kids on vacation? That might be a win for everyone.
+1. I have an only child and we took my godson on vacations with us for years to build that cousin bond.
We did this too. Take a cousin with you!
OP here and I would consider doing that in the future but they’re all too young for that to be feasible right now. Their mom won’t want to be separated from the 2.5-year-old yet and when it comes down to it, she wants to vacation with her kids too – just doesn’t want to commit!
Maybe you just start giving her a deadline to respond on whether she’s in or out? “Hey, we’re thinking about the Badlands for September 1 through 9, accommodations will be about $200 per family per night, let me know whether you’re in or out by August 1. If you’re not joining, we may go somewhere else entirely.” And then proceed accordingly. I understand the desire to maintain the relationship, especially for your kids, but you can’t make her care more than she does and it sounds like you’re reaching the point where you’re tired of planning things that aren’t your preferred trip on the chance that she will join.
This
This is the way in this situation.
Ugh, yeah, I know you’re right. I need to stop falling for the it’s-August-2-but-she-seems-maybe-interested-after-all situation.
I just don’t plan with people like this. If they aren’t willing to commit to dates and put down deposits once they have an idea of costs, I don’t push any longer.
I’ve been to the Badlands and Alaska and definitely would choose Alaska, though the Badlands are unique in their own right!
I’m dealing with something similar with my mom, who (as my husband says) has champagne tastes on a Natty Light budget. She used to travel more and often talks about all the places she wants to go then says it’s too expensive and also has no one to go with. She’s talked about an Alaska cruise for literally decades, so I’ve offered it to her for her 75th in a year. I’ve done some research and have said, here are the two cruise lines I’ll do (bc I want to see Glacier Bay), and it needs to be out of Vancouver. She says she “needs” a balcony and wants to go in August when kids will be going back to school. If she wants a balcony, then she can’t share a room with my kids bc I’m not allowing that for safety reasons, which means she’d have to cover it herself which she won’t do. I also won’t miss the start of school. I’m not sure if this is her way of getting out of something she doesn’t want to do, so I’ve dropped it, but if she ever brings up that this is her lifelong dream again, I’ll share the options then move on.
If I’m 75 and ny son volunteers an Alaskan cruise, I would not suddenly have all of those “needs.” I might say, I need a window so I don’t get seasick, but this isn’t a balcony.
I would plan to go where you want to go and invite the flake but not plan on her attending.
Girl what? Why are you still wasting your time. Plan the trip you want. Go on it. Stop trying to make fetch happen
Ok, I can be like that sometimes (and it’s not I trait I like). Be upfront about the deadline for decisions and your other destination options. I’ll procastinate endlessly if I think I’m only hurting myself and no one is depending on me, but getting in the way of my loved ones is all I need to make decisions.
I would plan to nurture the cousin relationship by going to see them once a year and then planning a long weekend somewhere very low key near where they live (eg beach or campground) where the goal is lazing around and the trip doesn’t require making a lot of reservations. Then go on your own trips the way you want to. I am like your sister and the reality is I just can’t prioritize making non-essential decisions like about specific vacation activities until close to the date, given all the other competing priorities that are more urgent – if you want to see your sister and family just accept that and you’ll all be happier.
We have an ADD person we are trying to plan around. I go with telling her the trip we have planned and the deadline for her to tell us whether she is joining us. And then just say no every time she pops in randomly and suggests we change everything. And no if she asks to go last minute.
Suggestions for a summer dinner to bring to a friend in a hard season? Her child is in cancer treatment; there are other young kids in the family as well. Dairy restrictions. My usual go-tos seem awfully heavy for ninety degree heat. Any other suggestions of what I might bring over are also welcome. TIA!
What about the chicken taco kits from Costco?
no suggestions but so so many hugs. cancer sucks and whoever decided kids should be able to get it too is cruel.
What about a quiche? Fruit salad without berries? maybe some toys or crafts for the kids? what are the ages?
I’d go for a build your own format – shredded salsa chicken, pulled pork, grilled steak with a carb-y side (rolls for pulled pork, taco shells/rice for the steak and chicken), and then some easy veggie side – grilled/sauted peppers and onions, coleslaw, crudites (chop your own, not pre-bought) along with brownies or cookies.
If you’re feeling extra ambitious I try to also include a loaf of quick bread or muffins -the smitten kitchen double chocolate banana bread can be made into muffins and I made it for years with melted coconut oil and applesause.
Dealing with a parent with cancer and the best meals are things that are one pot and easy. There’s a reason casseroles are a classic. They go in the oven, don’t require dishes or sides, and are easy to clean up. I’d do one that hits their restrictions and not worry about the oven in summer. Still easier than anything else. Plus, leftovers can be microwaved.
Thai take out.
Pasta salad.
I made this for a family in a similar situation who couldn’t have dairy: https://pinchofyum.com/chicken-with-coconut-kale and it was a huge hit. I omitted the chopped cilantro garnish because cilantro is kind of controversial and right now I assume the family needs to avoid raw leafy greens anyway, but the kale is cooked.
Taco kit.
Meat, refried beans, salsas, chopped lettuce and corn tortillas.
roast a chicken or if they eat pork do a pulled pork. Bring with cooked veggies if you’re scared of salad and a loaf of good bread or corn bread.
Shrimp cocktail and soba salad
Somebody’s doing something right if this is food for small children in your world. I wouldn’t count it for someone else though!
Sesame noodles and fruit salad.
Thanks to everyone who commented on my post yesterday. If you missed it, I got passed over for a promotion and am biding my time until a better opportunity arises. Oh, and the guy they promoted is a jerk.
Some additional context: I’m currently underutilized and do enough high profile work that I’m not concerned about my job so I would like to carve out some time to do professional development/networking/fill my time so that when a better opportunity comes, I’ll be ready to move on.
I had asked about becoming less helpful and directing questions to the jerk. One of the things my higher ups have lauded me for (even recently!) is my institutional knowledge and I’m a pretty good resource for the office. I frequently answer questions that aren’t under my area of responsibility but I know the answer to. I know that people ask me these questions to avoid asking the jerk as he doesn’t have the answers and is condescending if he doesn’t think you’re worth sucking up to. I don’t want to contribute to his success or reputation by allowing this to continue, so I need to figure out a way to direct askers to him without seeming bitter or unprofessional.
Basically, I’m still angry and I don’t have a clear way out so I’d like some advice from people who have the basic story but way more perspective than I do.
k-ll them with kindness. “I really think you should start with Dude – I’m sure he’ll loop me in if needed but wouldn’t want to step on toes!”
This is the way. No one can argue with this framing. It is beautifully passive-aggressive in a totally deniable way.
Just redirect ‘X is hero’s responsibility, you should ask him’ repeat ad nauseum. I recently started doing this and my own version of jerk started complaining he was getting too many requests.
You need to move past the rejection and start strategizing. If he’s as bad as you say, he probably won’t last long. Don’t be petty and stop being helpful. Be more helpful, show people you were the better choice. When the role comes up again, you want to be in a position to have a better shot at it. Also, deepen your workplace connections, people don’t get promoted because people don’t like them, not because they lack hard skills.
Unfortunately, I think he will last. He’s doing a good enough job to have convinced management that he’s great. My guess is he’d have to spectacularly screw something up for anything to happen.
I agree with this comment. Show up with your best during work hours. THAT is your job.
I said it yesterday and will repeat today: direct people to the guy.
Just because people come to you because they like you better than they like him, doesn’t mean you are obligated to do his job for him. If want him to bear the brunt of his rude ineptness, let people get grumpy at him. You can be kind about it. Tell your colleagues that this is something you can’t in good conscience keep doing for them since Guy was hired to handle this, etc., etc., but you don’t have to martyr yourself to keep them happy.
This is such bad advice. At a certain point it can be considered a dereliction of duty to the organization.
I disagree; however, I would ask that all requests be made via email with that dude cc’d. When you respond in email directing them to the dude, you have evidence of managing up as well as being on the team for your organization. Add to that, plausible deniability., Yes its a pita, no doubt. I have been doing that with a relatively new staff member whom keeps trying to get me to do components their job. My institutional knowledge is valuable, this I know. The only way the dude will learn is by doing the job. YMMV.
What a bizarre, militaristic take.
Does OP work in something like a nuclear power plant where the knowledge in her head is material to life and death? Otherwise, OP directing colleagues to the person now responsible for those areas is in no way, shape, or form a dereliction of duty.
There’s a lot of people who think their boring office jobs are life or death and it’s exhausting. I do think that certain careers develop this insular self importance. I have friends who DO have life or death jobs (director of city sanitation, EMS etc) and they aren’t so up their own a$$
Conversely, continuing to do others’ jobs for them because you have institutional knowledge hamstrings your company. If you are effectively the linchpin holding everything together, you become a business continuity risk.
Her duty to the organization is to….. fulfill someone else’s job duties? No, no it is not.
Exactly!
The pressure to support “the institution” at the cost your own dignity, peace of mind, etc. is really bad thinking. And! It won’t get you the promotion anyway.
I mean, she has eight hours in a day and is underutilized. She owes that time to her employer, not her grievances.
She can spend that time directing people to the correct party, then. Doesn’t mean she has to do the JA’s job for him. Pretending otherwise is obtuse.
She owes it to the organization that’s treating her poorly? That would fire and replace her with no notice if it benefitted them?
Nah.
She wasn’t owed a promotion, and based on her earlier post, she is paid higher than what she could expect anywhere else.
Nah. “Owing” the time to her employer isn’t really the issue here — her employer can use her well; write a new job description and have her sign a new contract, etc. She doesn’t need to over-extend herself or do someone else’s job .
I would bet a lot of money that this dude was given the promotion with the full expectation that OP would “pitch in” and it would be great! All for the OP to get no compensation or recognition for doing *a different job for which she was not hired.*
OP, I have been where you are. And it really sucks, particularly because you are likely tacitly being expected to fill in the places where this guy is unprepared or incompetent in the name of “being a team player.” Part of the reason you’re angry is you know that’s bs. The “institution” will never love you back, no matter how much you give to it. Find your own path, even if it means staying in this job.
To the person saying she wasn’t owed a promotion: you’re right. And the company is not owed work from OP that they gave to someone else (for money and title).
Refusing to do someone else’s job isn’t indulging in grievances. Hope that clears it up for you.
You need a few days to calm down. You’re taking it very personally and they did not make the decision personally. You absolutely should look for a new job, but in the meantime you don’t have to salt the earth.
This is insanely patronizing. You have no idea what was personal and what wasn’t. And telling someone — particularly a woman — to “calm down”? The OP isn’t scorching the earth; she’s saying she’s angry and wants to know how to move forward from this sucky position. I am shocked at how many people are basically saying close your eyes and think of England.
Lol, what? We aren’t allowed to tell 50% of the population to calm down when warranted? Give me a break.
Low stakes question: how do Aquatalia boots compare to La Canadienne in terms of comfort and durability? I do a decent amount of walking during my commute and I have a slightly wide toe-box. I bought one pair of Aquatalia at the NAS a half a size up and the leather molded to my feet quickly. Thinking about trying La Canadienne too, or maybe another Aquatalia pair. Seeking hive experience, because I’m not used to buying shoes/boots in this price range.
I prefer Aquatalia’s leather to LC’s.
Ooh, great idea to get at the NAS! How do these brands run (wide vs narrow)?
Aquatalia runs on the narrow side. I have narrow feet and can get by with Aquatalias in medium (the only width offered) with thicker socks. They are nicely fitted in the calves too.
Aquatalia is a little narrower than LC in the toe box, but as someone for whom that is the most common ‘problem area’ in a shoe, I find them both comfy in normal width. However, I think I took the larger of my half-sizes with Aquatalia and the smaller with LC.
Good to know about the sizing – thanks!
I’ve had a pair of LC boots (suede with shearling lining) that I’ve worn hard/ daily in the winter for 15 years, and they’re still going strong. I have Aquatalias also, but doubt they’ll wear this well.
To me, LC was wider in the toe box and took a beating for the leather pair I have. My Aquitalia are prettier snd fit my narrow calves better but I’m not sure they’d hold up as well (those are suede and I treat them each season). Both are very high quality.
My Aquatalias are suede and I haven’t done a thing to them and they are holding up great. I accidentally stepped in a 5 inch deep puddle wearing them the very first time I wore them (dark sidewalk, super still puddle…..) and you wouldn’t have known it at all!
I stepped in a mysterious puddle in a jail wearing Aquatalias. I hosed them off with no ill effects.
Great feedback – thank you!
Thanks for all the feedback! I knew this venue would help me make a decision!
Adding to the chorus–consider Blondo boots too. They make EXCELLENT winter waterproof leather boots. Mine lasted for years with a daily Winter Boston commute (even in winter).
I’m struggling on shoe color. I lived through the nude for you phase and it does look wrong to me now, but I still want lighter colored shoes to wear with dresses/skirts in the summer, particularly for the leg lengthening effect. So what color works? I’m white, dark brown hair, warm toned.
I’ve seen some metallic dusty pink/warm taupe for sale, but I haven’t seen people wearing it. It probably flatters some people more than others!
I have seen people wearing pale snakeskin, but I think the trend is past its peak.
I wear metallic dusty pink most days. It’s more or less a n ude for me.
Another vote for a mauve/dusty pink. And I still wear gray-toned snakeskin but I’m not particularly trendy :)
I still wear mine too!
Animal print might have ebbs and flows, but it isn’t really a “past its peak” kind of thing. It’s like navy and black.
I wear camel now.
I just wear the dark shoes now. I wear navy suede sling backs much more than I ever expected. I also wear luggage tan with some looks.
I really like luggage tan in the summer.
Same here.
+1 – luggage tan is my go-to nude for the summer and fall.
OP here – any recommendations on specific luggage tan colored shoes?
I love my saddle colored shoes for this. Camel, caramel, whiskey, whatever you want to call it.
I have been wearing the heck out of my warm pewter shoes this summer.
The Princess of Wales is still stying outfits with nude for her pumps. I’m taking the position that if she can do it I can too. Judgey judgers gonna judge, and if it’s not your nude for you shoes it will be something else they deem dated.
same, though she’s wearing more modern styles (pointed toe, suede) as opposed to those LK Bennett platform round toe pumps that were smooth leather.
I like luggage and dove gray.
It’s surprising how many things look good with a red shoe. I’ve also seen mustard and olive shoes on others that worked with a huge range of colors. If you want something more neutral, chocolate brown is really versatile.
I have a challenging sibling who takes turns targeting different family members with their vitriol. The family has made a couple of attempts to have a conversation with them about their behavior but it goes very badly and achieves nothing. I am very low contact and only see them at large family gatherings.
Lately I’ve noticed they are focused on my elementary school aged daughter. Things like little passive aggressive jabs to her directly when I’m not within earshot and telling mutual friends she’s “crazy” and likely going to be diagnosed as neurodivergent.
This is absolutely unacceptable. You can hate me but my child has nothing to do with anything. I feel I have two options, stop going to family events but that would cut me and my family off which isn’t fair, or ask them to stop their behavior, which has not worked at all in the past. Do I just keep a super close eye on my child whenever we’re around them? How would you manage this?
I would make sure child is never alone with your sibling, and also talk to your kid about their aunt/uncle being unwell and that it is always ok to come find you in group settings. I’d also explicitly model grey rocking with your kid and give them permission to be ‘rude’ to an adult.
I wouldn’t worry about what your sibling says about your kids to mutual friends, if any adult said something like this to me I’d automatically question their judegement with zero other information. With your sibling’s history I bet the mutual friends are well aware of their biases.
Such a thorough answer here.
Cut them off, even if it takes the rest of the family out. Kids are very perceptive and if they’re targeting the kiddo, they’ll do it whenever they can, you can’t watch your kid every time.
Schedule your own time with family you want to see, but protect your kid.
Agree. If the rest of the family continues to support the AH sibling then they really aren’t worth keeping around. Most normal people would recognize that the sibling has gone too far and would act accordingly.
+1. Make separate plans with your family. Cut this AH off. You never attack someone’s kid like that, ever.
Yes. Immediately. Attacking children is intolerable and it’s imperative that you don’t even suggest tolerating it, including via grey rocking. Cut them off & make other plans to see your family.
I would just tell you kid this person is a jerk and you have their back. I disagree with cutting off the whole family, people need to learn to deal with difficult people and you can shield your kid through honesty about their aunt. You can also tell off your sibling if she pulls it when you’re there.
Agree with this. It’s a great learning opportunity for your daughter that some adults are sick and need to be managed. It isn’t fair, but it won’t hurt her to understand what’s going on.
I don’t know if I agree with that – this sounds like a situation where behavior could escalate, possibly to a dangerous level. I speak from experience on that, sadly.
Where do you get violence from a nasty comment? That sounds like a stretch.
I’ve seen it escalate into serious cyberbullying rather than physical violence (IME), but for people who are mentally unstable, you really can’t assume it’s all going to be nothing.
Danger isn’t limited to physical violence.
Never be around them and be open about why. “We aren’t coming because Sonya is being mean to my child.”
Assuming this sibling is an adult, I would go completely mother bear on them.
I would coordinate ahead of time that my spouse would remove our child from the situation at the next family get together, then I would go scorched earth on my sibling. Adults don’t get to bully my child and get away with it.
I mean, it’s a thing you could do, yes. But there are better options (as offered by commenters above.)
Sounds like OP and fam have already tried other interventions and now the sibling has moved on to abusing kids. I’m all for the nuclear option at that stage.
Me too. Unfortunately some people won’t hear you until you talk ugly to them.
Yeah, this 100%
Sure, but this isn’t going to change the sibling’s behavior.
I see we have a similar relative. Starting when my kids were verbal I gave them language about the sibling (not like everyone else) and the right to a) never be alone with them and b) to say aunt/uncle I have to use the bathroom and walk away.
I would not go to the next family event and be explicit about why. “We are not going to attend events wherein anyone mocks seven year old Emma’s mental health.”
Your family will shut it down or not. That isn’t your concern. What is important is that your child understand that this is unacceptable and you will not make her sacrifice her dignity for “family.”
I think you can keep going to family gatherings and insist that your sibling stay in line or else you will pack up and go.
FWIW I have an aunt like this. My parents always prepped us before we saw her, scolded her in no uncertain terms if she went after one of us, and when we were little kept a watch on us so they would know if they needed to intervene. I don’t remember anything she said ever really bothering me or sticking because I knew even as a child that she was the problem. At family gatherings we enjoyed the people whose company was enjoyable and knew our aunt was someone whose remarks we could dismiss more or less out of hand. (You might think scolding a grown woman is over the top but to this day it’s the only language she understands.)
Remove the child from the situation. I grew up in this family and was always told to just get along. Well, I was bullied by an adult until I was an adult and could tell them off. Nothing said to them made them stop. All it feels like from the child’s perspective is that the other adults aren’t doing anything. A child shouldn’t have to deal with getting adults to regulate their behavior. Maybe teenagers can navigate that, but not one in elementary school.
And I’ll add that I was bullied by an adult family member and was told/modeled “grey rocking” and it just felt like being told to go along to get along. It wasn’t a “teaching moment” in the way that’s being suggested here, and I really think — from experience — that if you don’t assertively put your foot down in a way that has real impact, your child will not see it as “managing an adult who is sick.”
Cut this person off, be clear about why, and never ever let your child be alone with them. Make sure you assertively and clearly cut them off if they ever, even a little, start to get at your child.
Networking advice, please. I am not an outgoing person and have always relied on natural points of connection. For me, networking has mainly meant catching up with people at conferences, answering questions and advising in my areas of expertise when people contact me, and reaching out about potential collaborations. I have not been proactive about reaching out to people with news, articles of interest, etc.
I am facing a career transition because federal and private funding for the type of work I do has completely dried up, and I am burned out and not sure I want to keep doing this work or anything remotely related to it anyway. A few people in my social circle (completely separate from work) have connected me with people they know who are in related fields. So far I’ve met with one of these people for coffee; it was a really interesting chat about the work they are doing, but it didn’t really give me any ideas for new directions for my own career. That one was relatively easy because I had actually worked with the person on a project many years ago and was just reconnecting. Now I have a list of people I don’t know at all to connect with and I’m rather intimidated. I assume the thing to do is the same–meet up with them if they are willing and just learn about what they are doing and how they got there, and eventually it will spark an idea for a new direction? I don’t want to waste these people’s time or come across as some sort of weirdo.
Just tell people the truth. I think that many people would actually be quite happy to talk about the work they do and how their career unfolded. I suggest three things. 1. Don’t have the meeting be a thinly veiled angling for a job. I really hate it when people ask to meet to talk about interests and career paths and then basically ask if you can get them a job. 2. Be prepared with some examples of work you did that you really liked. Try to give the other person something to build on. 3. If at all possible, pay for the coffee. The other person may insist, but please make a serious offer.
Don’t ask too much of yourself or these meetings right now. Sure, you might get a sudden inspiration but it’s more likely things will build in your mind over time. If you have an awkward or unhelpful meeting, don’t stop. At the very least, an uncomfortable meeting highlights for you things that are not for you.
I like talking about myself. If I get to do it in a way that is helpful to a friend of a friend, I don’t consider it a waste of time. Reach out.
Similar transition and I agree that just reaching out to learn about their work helps. People also reach out to me for different questions and I’m happy to spend 20-30 minutes on a zoom or other call with them. Some people may not respond, but people who do respond are happy to answer questions about their field, or day to day, or even what is or isn’t working for them too.
Pro networking tip–at the end of any coffee/zoom meeting like this, look across to the person you’re meeting with, and say, “Susan, this was SO helpful. Can you think of two other folks I could meet with who might help with [X jobsearch/transition] we just discussed? I would be so grateful.” This extends the networking beyond people you know, you get a warm intro and you keep the search conversations going. Highly recommend. It works!!!
lol. Please don’t give me an assignment.
This is cringey at best; it sounds like and MLM.
Does anyone have experience using the Flighty App? A friend raved about it. I’d like other data points if they’re out there. I’m also reading r3ddit threads.
my only experience is people brag-posting their year-end stats from it so… don’t do that.
maybe another lifestyle question but my bad habit. I have gotten into the habit of having a cup of hot chocolate (the dark one from HEB for any texans) before bed. there’s not THAT much sugar. I make it with milk.
maybe i should switch to tea? It’s basically a dessert habit. any one else have a hot cocoa problem…? what else works?
Why is this a problem unless the chocolate is keeping you awake? Milk has protein and calcium.
I honestly don’t see the problem here! Are you gaining weight, or is your doctor on your case about some numbers? What makes this a bad habit?
You could switch to home made hot chocolate if you thought you could tweak the recipe to suit some goal of yours (like making it sugar free). If you don’t like how much milk you’re drinking, you could try it with almond milk (but milk is more nutritious over all). I think the solution depends on what the issue is (if there even is one).
Yes.
Are you the OP?
I think this is fine. When you no longer enjoy it, then stop. But a little bit of sugar, dairy, and cocoa before bed won’t hurt you. It’s better for you than a diet soda.
There are worse habits? Habits are inevitable and it’s okay one of yours is to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate every night.
I drink hot chocolate every night, made with milk. I don’t get anywhere near enough calcium (I hate the taste of plain milk and although I do eat spinach and nuts, it’s hard to get enough calcium from non-dairy sources alone) so I think the health benefits outweigh the downsides for me. Either way, it’s not a habit I’m looking to give up.
Figure out whether you’re someone who will be able to accept a “lesser” thing (hot tea instead of hot chocolate), or whether you’re the kind of person who wants either the real thing or something entirely different. If that’s you, then experiment with other things to fill that space, such as a hot shower or reading a book.
This is my take. I cannot substitute with something that is trying to be similar, like hot tea instead of cocoa. I need a completely different habit or it just feels like sad deprivation.
So instead of a cup of hot chocolate, I might switch to massaging scented jojoba oil into my cuticles and doing a gentle bedtime stretch routine.
This is a problem why?
Sincerely asking. If you struggle with blood sugar, weight, sleep, etc., and this is causing a problem, by all means, make a change.
If it isn’t causing a problem, don’t invite trouble.
Well, my bad habit is chocolate covered strawberries at night. At least your habit gives you protein, calcium etc. I’m not giving up my delicious habit. Why should you?
Suggestions for hotels/restaurants in Boston? Planning a short weekend jaunt to visit the Museum of Fine Arts, Isabel Stewart Gardner Museum, and Freedom Trail sites.
Who’s traveling? Budget? If you can splurge, the Four Seasons is gorgeous and walking distance from the MFA.
2 adults. Budget under $400 a night maybe? So not the Four Seasons, unfortunately.
We stayed a few nights at the Courtyard Marriott in Copley Square. The rooms were clean and comfortable, it was in a great location, and the staff was nice. It’s across the street from the Prudential Center and the Boston Public Library and within walking distance of Boston Common (start of the Freedom Trail). It was easy to take the T from Copley Square to the Museum of Fine Arts and the Isabel Stewart Gardner Museum. We stayed there about 2 years ago, so it may be more expensive now (what isn’t?), but all-in, it was $350 per night on a holiday weekend.
The Long Wharf Marriott is a nice option that is central to everything.
Assuming you like Italian food, Toscano, as well as any number of places in the North End.
Oh, the brown polka dot is fun. Too bad it’s nylon.
This dress is pretty, but it’s 80% polyester, which is a killer for a summer dress. Tuckernut does this so much. Cheap, sweat-causing fabrics for $$$ when this dress screams that it should be in a cotton poplin. I’ve stopped buying from them because of their fabric choices.