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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This ruffled top from J.Crew Factory looks like a really cute way to celebrate the unofficial start of summer. It’s 100% cotton and machine washable and would look great paired with trousers and loafers for a casual Friday look or with shorts and sandals for a weekend cookout.
This “fern green” color caught my eye, but it also comes in white, pink, and a fun, floral print.
The top is $34.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes XXS–3X.
(Admin update: Sorry about the image! Just updated it.)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Box
Low stakes holiday weekend shopping question. Any recommendations for a nice medium sized jewelry box? I tend to like a leather or lacquer finish, and would like something with a tray with various compartments and then open space below for bulk items. The best I can find so far is Pottery Barn, but it’s not really wowing me. Budget is $500ish.
Panda Bear
I really like the Stackers system (if you are in the US, you can order them from the container store). They have a faux leather finish, and are not the most glamorous to look at – but are very convenient for customizing and expanding your options.
Hypatia
I was also going to write in about Stackers! I’ve had mine for several years now with zero wear and tear. Plus they are massively under your budget.
anon
Oooh, thanks for sharing this! I’m not the OP but have been casually looking for a jewelry storage solution for awhile now.
Anon
I love mine too!
Cat
If you can wait for the Nordstrom Anniv Sale, they’ve had some lovely leather Wolf cases included in prior years, bringing them around that price point.
Anonymous
+1 to Wolf, really well made. I like their velvet boxes, they are less likely to scratch furniture.
Anon
I have the Pottery Barn one and I love it.
Anon
I do too, the Stella in black with gold handles and clear top. I also love it.
anon
same
Anon
I have always had Reed and Barton jewelry boxes. I’m not sure what they’re making now but I stalked eBay for my last one and it’s as you describe.
Anon
I have and love my Mejuri jewelry box
Anonymous
I love mine from West Elm (it’s sort of an antiquey gray that holds a shocking amount for the space it takes up). Not sure if it’s the style you’re looking for but looks like their jewelry boxes are on sale right now.
Anon
JCF is the bomb (at least in 2023).
Can someone explain crazy sports parents to me? Like redshirting your kid so that they will be almost 2 years old for their grade, getting your kid into heavy competitive travel soccer all year round, using travel soccer to excuse any other responsibility (school, confirmation class, etc.) that other kids typically have, hiring a nutrition and conditioning coach? If it matters, the parents could easily pay for college (so it can’t be a scholarship angle); kid would likely be reasonably able to get into an academically competitive college on academics. And it’s a girl, so the pro-career angle isn’t really there, either, even now that you can get deals as an amateur (I hate to have written that, but outside of the big pro sports for men, there isn’t a big $ angle in it for men’s sports, either). Like maybe you coach at Lawrenceville (but you have to like that lifestyle) or a D1 school, but I don’t get it. I totally don’t. If I were rich enough to fund all this and could afford not to work, I’d want my kids to be happy. I guess I don’t sincerely believe that this makes anyone happy (and if it does, what does life look like after college when it all likely ends?)?
i run a lot
I assume you don’t actually want anyone to explain it to you. I fully agree. I don’t believe it makes anyone happy. I think people fall into a trap of just going along with doing “everything they can” for their kid, even without an end game of scholarship or pro sport or whatever. It makes me sad! I have kids and this is very much not how we live. My kids are on the younger side and it’s already hard to make plans with people because everyone is always “so busy”. It does look fun to me.
anon
You sound judgmental. Has it occurred to you that the child loves the sport and the parents want to encourage the passion? After college the child could continue playing the sport in a rec league, or be involved in coaching. At the very least they’ve learned the value of hard work, teamwork, and dedication. Personally I’d rather my child do a sport instead of something I find very silly, like a confirmation class. Why do you care?
Anon
+1
Anon
You’ve thought about this a lot!
Anon
I’m a captive audience often during the school year (which is thankfully almost over).
Anon
🙄
Anon
I think a lot of it is parents living vicariously through their kids. But I will say that redshirting (at least in my area) seems to be mostly about behavior, not sports. I have several friends who held spring and summer boys back, but it had nothing to do with sports. It was because the boys had a lot of trouble sitting still and listening and a preschool teacher thought they weren’t ready for K. I never contemplated holding my kid back but I do wish there was a way to continue play-based preschool with same age peers until age 6 or 7. I think asking young 5 year olds to sit still and do academics all day is really not ideal.
Anon
I have a summer birthday and my parents chose for me to be young for my grade. I could already read and was mature (eldest daughter with anxiety was already showing through at age 4), so they didn’t want to wait another year for K.
I was the youngest in my grade (only for 2 years, then we got some early September birthdays in), and I don’t think it was for the best. As ready as I was in some ways, I was not at all ready in other ways. If kids have a summer birthday or there’s any choice at all in when to start school, I always vote for being older. I think it helps socially, behaviorally, and academically later on.
Several of my college friends were from NY, where the cutoff is December 1. I think that is way, way too young and can’t imagine sending a 4 year old to Kindergarten when they won’t turn 5 until December!!
anon
I also was the second-youngest kid in my class. I was within the cutoff period (back then, it was October, and I have an August birthday). And while I was ready academically, it really came back to bite me socially. I don’t fault my parents for sending me, but I do think there was a long tail to that decision from a social standpoint.
Anonymous
My birthday was two weeks before the cutoff back when redshirting was not done and grade-skipping was relatively common. I was reading and writing by the time I started full-day K (a rarity back then), and I was still bored to tears all the way through high school. I went to college at 17 and was so ready to be done with high school and out of the house. In elementary and junior high I wished I’d been skipped a grade, but now I think that would have made me too young for college. 17 was perfect.
My daughter’s birthday is a few months after the cutoff. She was academically and socially ready for K a year early so we sent her. A lot of the redshirted kids are 18+ months older than she is. It was a non-issue in elementary school and has remained the right decision academically. With the social issues caused by the pandemic and doing her freshman year of high school on line I sometimes wonder if her life would have been easier if we’d held her back to the traditional age. But there are a whole lot of kids in her grade who are much older and who seem just as immature, so I’m pretty sure her age isn’t the issue. The other thing that makes me question our decision is competitiveness. She is at the top of her class, has fantastic standardized test scores, and generally holds her own against the kids who are a year or more older, but if we’d held her back to traditional age it would have been incredibly easy for her to totally dominate–unless, of course, she got so bored that she just checked out completely, which was the fear that motivated us to push her ahead.
Anon
Same. We’re in the Midwest with an August cutoff so even the youngest kids are at least 5 when they start. My best friend went to K at 4 and it was ok for her but now that I have a kid I can’t imagine it. There was an enormous change in my kid’s maturity and ability to cope with frustration between 4.5 and 5. I think K at 4.5 would have been an unmitigated disaster for my kid, and she’s a confident, outgoing kid who’s been in daycare her whole life and has no problem separating from us.
PolyD
Way back in the dark ages (1970s), I started kindergarten at age 4 with a mid-November birthday. I did very well in school academically. I think I did okay socially – it’s hard to say if social glitches were due to my age or my personality. And I don’t know that any of it was that far beyond what most kids experience.
It must be very hard to make that decision nowadays, school seems much more fraught.
Anonymous
I think there were just more younger kids in kindergarten in the 70s and 80s. I’m an august birthday and was far from the youngest in my class. I had friends with birthdays all the way through the end of the year.
Anonymous
Similar here. I am an early Jan baby and went into first grade instead of kindergarten at 5, after 3 years of pre-school. I was ready, and did just fine with a few hiccups, but +1 to your last paragraph.
Anon
I think the cutoffs are highly regional, and that’s the biggest factor in variability more than what decade you were born in. It was August in the Midwest back in the 1980s. I was born in May and was always one of the youngest. Most summer birthdays were red-shirted.
The Beagle Has Landed
I was the same, and then I skipped grade 3 so I entered high school when I was 11. It was tough but I think living up to the challenge was more helpful than harmful. I had my bullies, but they left me alone after I literally pushed back and knocked the main one into the dirt.
Anon
I know parents in baseball, soccer, hockey, and football who didn’t want their son to be a benchwarmer and redshirted in part so their kid would be sports competing against younger kids and would be bigger/taller. This doesn’t happen in track (everyone runs; your time makes you a winner) but in sports where 5 kids actually get playing time and maybe 10 kids make the team.
IDK how you can be this calculating when the kid is only 5, and this is not related to whether a kid is academically or socially ready to start K in a given year. I also know parents homeschooling so their hockey sons can get more ice time during the day, which is IMO insane. None of these moms work.
Anon
Same here and 100% agree with you.
Anon
Currently at least, the cutoff in NYS is 12/31 — so you go to school with children born in the same calendar year. The good thing is that here the grade=age thing is mandatory, and red shirting and holding back children in the early grades is not permitted in the public schools at all (I think some private schools allow it, but if you transfer to a public school or move here, the child is enrolled in a grade according to age, regardless of what grade they were in in the prior school). K classes therefore have plenty of 4 year olds with December birthdays, but the oldest kids are 5 year olds with January birthdays, and that’s not that big of an age spread.
Cb
Yeah, my son turned 5 a week before school started and he was fine, but a lot of his younger classmates really struggled (Year 1 is 4.5 to 5.5 here, and you can only defer if they will be under 4.75).
Anon
Not where I am. If sports are Important (you know who those parents are) and the parents know that their kids, especially boys, are closer to average, they will redshirt even with a winter birthday, even for girls. I have tall (99%) kids and all I heard at the park for years were words of amazement and endless questions for what we did at home since I am average to short myself. Every pediatricians visit gives you high and weight percentages and it seems to be a legit anxiety thing for some families. This is not even the same planet, it seems, as the one I grew up in and I don’t like it — the toxicity seems to start early.
Anon
Our pediatrician mentioned redshirting our son – he turned 5 two weeks before school started – but his preschool would not allow him to continue there after he turned 5, period, and the elementary schools we were looking at didn’t have “pre-K” for 5-year-olds. We put him in kindergarten, and he did just fine; when he got to middle school, we had some difficulty with getting him to do his schoolwork that were likely partly due to emotional maturity. But we muddled through, and now he’s fine. He won’t be 18 until the summer after he graduates from high school, so he may take a gap year before starting college, which I wish I had done back in the day (I also was only 17 when I graduated).
Anon
We have a kid like this, and that kid was also a giant, so I think it could also have been socially awkward to be even more huge if we had redshirted (we didn’t) relative to kids who were even younger. It has would up OK. Kiddo won’t vote in high school but a ton of other kids we know will turn 19 or even be close to 20 in high school.
Anon
My kid is also a giant – he was 5’8″ at 12 and is 6’2″ now, at 16 – and I can’t imagine how much more awkward it would have been for him if we’d red-shirted him and he’d been in with a bunch of 10-to-11-year-olds when he was 12 and taller than most of his teachers. I remember his 6th grade recital: they made him stand off the risers to the side because he was taller than some of the other kids by a foot and a half. He was super-self conscious about how much bigger he was compared to his peers for quite awhile, until some of the other kids caught up.
Anonymous
Yes. My mid August birthday son will go to kindergarten this year. He is already 99th percentile height and takes the lead in a lot of play so I was struggling to see him do another year of preschool. He is bright, reading at very basic level, and can sit still for circle time. Depending on how next year goes, he may do two years of kindergarten. I am making this decision based on a small class size, lots of play and outside time type kindergarten. If the school were more butt-in-seat or a large class, we may have kept him in preschool.
Senior Attorney
My kid had a mid-September birthday and we ended up sending her to K at just-barely-five. It turned out okay. Then years later she did two years in community college and three years at university so the total elapsed number of years turned out to be the same as if we’d redshirted her. I have a lot of parenting regrets but that one isn’t even on the radar.
Anon
I always say behavioral redshirting happens because the kindergarten curriculum is developmentally and harmfully inappropriate. Unless there are severe developmental disabilities, 97 percent of children age 5 are ready for kindergarten because that is the age for kindergarten! My wiggly kid was smaller and younger (late summer birthday) the first years but he matured along with everyone else by middle school. I am glad we didn’t hold him back as there is no good reason to have a healthy, bright, neurotypical teenager held back from college once they are 18 or 19. I am not judging parents who do what is bests for their kids but we really need to push back on the unrealistic expectations of five year olds, all of whom require play. *steps off soapbox*
Anon
Yes, it’s wild to me the degree to which school just ignores so much of what we know about child development.
Senior Attorney
Agree. My late mom was a kindergarten teacher and she was just appalled by how academic it had gotten by the end of her career!
Anon
We enrolled our rising K-er in half day for this reason. She’s 5.5, has been in daycare for years and we have no doubts about her academic and social readiness for kindergarten, but I just hated the idea of her being at a desk all day at this age. Kids this age need to play.
Anon
My son was born in late November and our district had a December 1 cutoff date, meaning many kindergarteners started at age 4 and turned 5 sometime in the fall. I would have LOVED not to pay for another year of preschool/daycare for him, but I just couldn’t imagine he was ready for kindergarten the way his older sister (February birthday) had been. He was still getting in trouble for biting!
So I went to his preschool teacher and asked her very sincerely whether she thought he was ready for kindergarten and she started laughing so hard she could barely breathe. :)
The district ultimately agreed, and changed the cutoff date to September 1 a few years ago.
Anon
“Prestige” / bragging rights.
The NWSL has come a long way over the past few years, so a pro career could be a decent option. Obviously, it’s not as lucrative as most men’s pro sports, but as a women’s soccer fan it’s been great to see the progress in the NWSL (sexual harassment issues aside…)
Anon
I have a family member who plays in this league. Her pay is absolute peanuts. Every year is a question about whether the league is going to survive. I would not recommend this path to anyone.
Anon
One family I know sends Xmas cards that are basically promo materials for their kids’ sports careers. I get that Xmas is basically a secular shopping holiday now but it just seems to be wide of the mark.
Anon
I’m a big believer in sports for building up natural strength and confidence and teamwork, but travel and club sports look insane for families. I recently saw a former blogger on Instagram post about spending her young daughter’s birthday getting up early to make it to an entire day of baseball for her older brothers in 100 degrees. They opened presents before they left and I have no doubt that the parents tried to make the best of it, but I also don’t doubt that it’s a recipe for resentment. I viscerally don’t like the image of the girl coming second to the boys in the family, even if I know there are other dynamics at play in any family.
Anon
Yeah former college athlete here and I think sports are so great and that every kid should experience playing sports for the reasons you mention. I also hate hate hate what club sports have done to youth and high school sports, it’s literally insane!
anon
It’s honestly refreshing to hear this from a former college athlete. I was a middling athlete, so sometimes I feel like I bring big “get off my lawn” energy to these conversations. But it literally looks crazy, from this outsider’s perspective.
Anon
I have friends who walked on to teams like xc and swimming at my D1 (smaller conference) college. I guess that doesn’t happen anymore?
Anon
Sure it does! Depends on the school and the team, though.
Cb
It seems bananas. I grew up in California and our neighbours basically structured their whole lives around the prospect of a college baseball scholarship for their three boys. But what if they didn’t want to play baseball?
I’m in the UK now and sports seem much more chill. The local active schools programmes run casual weekly things, and when we go to swim lessons at a local high school, they’ve got a range of physical activities advertised that aren’t traditional sports (hillwalking, cycling, yoga, skateboarding).
Anon
Intrigued by hillwalking. Is that what we call hiking?
Cb
Yep, but the key is that you have a flask of tea and stop for a nice pub lunch en route :) It’s fairly common at universities as well, to have a hillwalking club that does walks/excursions, and adult/family orgs that do guided walks.
Anon
I am so there for the hillwalking!
Anon
Hillwalking sounds like my kind of sport
Anon
I am going to be on the TRAVEL hillwalking team.
Kidding.
Anon
I think we need a C-rette hillwalking team.
Anon
My brother didn’t even play at the intense travel level that seems to be prevalent now, but I was the kid who couldn’t have their 11th birthday party on a summer Saturday because my younger brother had a baseball tournament that weekend. My parents ended up taking two of my friends and I to McDonald’s on Friday night – not to the little “party caboose” they used to have; just to McDonald’s for dinner – and that was the celebration. I didn’t get a cake because my mom was too preoccupied getting things ready for the tournament. It absolutely created resentment in me as it seemed clear they were prioritizing big dreams of my brother playing pro baseball over whatever I needed or wanted at the moment.
(This was also made clear by their insistence on dragging me, when I was 11 and 12 years old, along to my brother’s tournaments where I had nothing to do but read in the bleachers, walk around aimlessly, and try to avoid getting hit on by the high-school boys working the concession stands. I had to go because in their words, “on tournament weekends this is the only way we have family time” even though there wasn’t much “family time” involved, that I could see. Right before I turned 13, I put my foot down – I was already babysitting other people’s kids at that point and could certainly stay by myself all day while they were at the ballfields.)
In his case, he played Little League through middle school and then got to high school and quit entirely. So the juice was definitely not worth the squeeze my parents put on the entire family to try to “nurture his talent,” which in the end, he didn’t even care about nurturing.
anon
I don’t think it makes people happy, either, but it is so, so common where I live. Not the redshirting part, but the select sports that take over everything else in life. My thoughts are: 1) parents living vicariously through their moderately interested kids; 2) prestige; 3) the individuals who run these programs and tournaments are making BANK off kids’ and parents’ aspirations. Not how I want my family life to look, but it’s depressingly typical and I don’t know what the end game is. Because it sure doesn’t look enjoyable in the moment.
Anon
I think part of it is just introducing excitement into people’s ordinary lives. Your kid’s team gets on a tear and wins every match at a tournament and the audience is going wild? That’s exciting to witness. It feels different than a Saturday spent at home on the couch. I just think the problems come when it takes over everything else in life. It’s like letting all your entertainment come from Netflix – can be enjoyable when it’s happening, but then one day you realize that you’re living for the screen.
anon
That’s a very good point.
Anon
Agreed. Another point – there’s always a lot of discussion on here about how to make friends and find community as an adult. For a lot of ppl I know whose kids are on travel leagues – that is their community and they truly enjoy spending time with them and helping their kids succeed. It’s not my jam, but I’m not going to yuck their yum.
However, as a flip side, it also means those families don’t have time or energy to invest in other community orgs like scouts or church that historically also created those connections and social ties. And since sports seem super expensive, it also creates a class social bubble.
There’s definitely (obvious to me) downsides but there’s tons of upside to them. And the kids enjoy the community and friendships with teammates too, even beyond the opportunity to play the sport.
My kids are the right age for these leagues and are not interested in any team sports, which is fine with me in terms of how I want to spend my time, but I am a little sad that they likely won’t experience the fun of being on a high school sports team (because where I live, you’re not making the hs team unless you were on a travel team by 8, or so I hear). But there are lots of ways to gain those teamwork experiences – orchestra, theater, academic competitions, etc. i – and a lot if parents I talk to – just wish there were more more in-between options for athletic 10 year kids who want to play soccer (for example) but not year round or super time consuming.
anon
You and I are on the same page. Our kids have done recreational sports, and have enjoyed them, but have zero interest in taking it further. But so many of our close friends’ kids have gone the hypercompetitive route, and it means that our village has really eroded as a result. So while I am pleased that our family can spend Saturday mornings however we please, it is a real bummer for us, as adults, that youth sports STILL means that we don’t have many friends and neighbors to hang out with. The friends have made their own villages through the sports teams, and part of me is bummed that we aren’t having that experience. It’s complicated. I don’t begrudge my friends for having the sports parent experience, but it is a real bummer that those friendships are essentially on hold for half the year. (I’m the person who posted yesterday about being kinda lonely, and this is one of the reasons why!)
Our kids seem plenty happy with orchestra/choir, martial arts, and church activities, none of which are super time-consuming. I feel like they are getting some teamwork experiences outside athletics, which mirrors my experience growing up.
Anon
Yes, anon @ 10:28, it does create some real FOMO for me – it’s a very weird and torn feeling! Maybe we just need to find each other out there in the real world and create our own villages – but it’s totally reasonable I think to be a little envious of those who found a village/community pre-made.
Anon
Being “doctor or lawyer who played D1 sport” is a viable way to advertise/get business in the big sportsball cities where I’ve lived. I agree, it’s all banans.
Anonymous
I think playing a D1 sport gets you certain types of jobs, too.
Monday
Yes, I remember reading a report on “the jock advantage,” I think in fields like law and finance.
Ellen
Yes, I have been reading this with much interest! Even tho I have no kids, Rosa has 4 and Ed has them all in kids team sports, so he bought Rosa a huge SUV that looks like a BUS to transport them. She looks tiny driving it! It’s like a part time job for her, so she even lets her nanny do much of the shutteling for her — otherwise she’d have to skip sessions with her personal trainer and cut back on her own personal mani/pedi/shopping/country club routines. But the kids are doing so many more things then I ever did growing up on Long Island. I pretty much was involved only in the Brownie/Girl Scout thing growing up, as sports wasn’t my greatest interest when I was between 8 and 13. Grandma Trudy tried to make me a good cook, and Grandma Leyeh was more interested in having me find the right guy, once I was about 14, and worried about the boys in the neyborhood & school that were always pulling up my dress to see my panties or whatever. What ridiculus dopes they were! Maybe team sports would have kept them better focused on growing up to be men then grabbing or stareing at my private parts!
But all in all, I do think Sports is good for kids. And there are lawyers in big firms today that were big in college sports and NFL. The law firms parade them around now to show not only that they hired them, but also that they can do more then just butt heads with other big dudes on a football field. I do not know exactly what their legal skills are, but they do a good job of recruiting new lawyers to their firms, which is an excellent marketing concept. When my Dad told me this, I immediately thought I could implement this in my firm, but since we are just a small boutique, the manageing partner said we do not have the budget for athletes on the payroll to do that kind of non-billable time. He is looking for young workhorses like me who can do what I did for the last 12 years — earn boucoup dinero for the firm. I know he is right, as the manageing partner isonly coming into the office these days once a week from the Hamtons on Monday’s except for holiday weekends, when he does not come in at all. BTW, he’s also big on sports for his kid, and Margie is doing the SUV circut ferrying her kid all over the place out there! She said he’s a natural swimmer, just like Flipper! I really did not see much of that. I have seen him peeing in the pool for years, but agreed. Dad says it is good politics not to bite the hand that feeds you, so I don’t.
Anyway, I want to wish all in the HIVE a very great holiday weekend, and let’s not forget to honor our military and the troops who protect our freedom against hostile forces from overseas. YAY!!!
Anon
It is enough that it is fun, and someone who doesn’t think youth sports are fun (as you clearly do not) is never going to get it. But they are, or they can be. The fact that you “don’t sincerely believe this makes anyone happy” doesn’t mean it isn’t so. I will say that, especially for girls, there is great value in athletics, in pushing your body so that you learn to appreciate what it can do, rather than what it looks like, so it is hardly a frivolous exercise. But I’ve learned over the years that people who post like this do so out of a need to feel superior in their own life choices, rather than a genuine desire to understand another family’s decisions.
anon
But IS it fun, is what some of us are asking. I completely believe in the value of athletics but I also think the culture around youth sports has gone insane, and it’s actually chased my kids away from wanting to be involved at all because the club kids end up making fun of anything recreational or “lesser” in their eyes.
anon
Also — not to pile on, but even the kids who seem to be enjoying select sports seem absolutely exhausted during the season from juggling everything, which is pretty sad. That’s like, all of adulthood.
Anon
I mean, I feel the same about people who put their 2-4 olds in activities, after spending all day in “school” or daycare. It’s damaging at those ages, too! Kids need to have ample unstructured play and boredom in their lives (parents, too).
Overscheduling has become part and parcel of our culture (whether to “give our kids every opportunity!” or just because we don’t want to be responsible for them at home…) It’s easy to throw stones at sports because they’re so visibly intense, but many parents are doing a version of this to their kids.
Anon
What mentally happens to these kids as adults or when they get injured? If your whole identity is “I am lax” or whatever, and that goes away or you can’t play any more, what happens?
Anon.
Agree with Anon @9:38AM. I also believe in free unstructured time to play, doodle, and read and explore. When kids get older, there’s also homework to do – I alsways wonder when there’s time for that, when the kids are shuttled between school/afterschool/evening activties several times per week.
As someone who neds plenty of downtime, I cannot fathom having such busy schedule.
Anon
We’re a low activity family and my kid didn’t do much in the way of activities until she was nearly 5, but I don’t think it’s “damaging” to a preschooler to do one or two activities per week. And I don’t think it’s remotely analogous to a middle schooler balancing a time-intensive travel sport with school and homework. Preschoolers need unstructured play time, but at that age “school” IS the unstructured time. Basically all they do is play, and there’s no homework. It’s really different for school age kids who are in actual school all day and have homework at night.
Anon
IDK. I have played a sport for sincere enjoyment for 4 decades but it isn’t who I am and was just one thing of many throughout my life. I wish more kids could do this (not just elite athletes but every kid and adult). Self-worth and endorphins should come from many inputs not just one. And when one thing goes away or is on hiatus, you will have so much sustaining you versus nothing and no identity.
Anon
Agreed. Every kid I knew in school who was super heavy into a particular sport dropped it eventually and moved on. The chances of being a pro athlete are incredibly rare so why devote your kid’s whole life to it?
Anon
No one is saying kids should t play sports. I think that more kids should play sports or exercise but it seems that sports and activities now are mostly pay to play and not teaching kids who would benefit from them the most.
Anon
My thoughts exactly. I do t understand the mentality of people who can’t see that other people may enjoy things they do not. There’s also a lot of fantastic confidence that comes from being really good at something when you’re growing up. I was a competitive tennis player, it was absolutely fun and if my kids want to do that or any other sport, I’d completely encourage and support it. I have none of the body image or confidence issues so often lamented here.
Anon
If people understood that sometimes other people like different things, three quarters of the posts here would disappear! I find the faux-curiosity really off-putting. If you want to judge, just judge. No need to wrap it up in an insincere question.
Anon
Thank you. I could actually do without the judging. I’m more – if you want to judge, judge, but keep it to yourself.
Anon
Two things come to mind:
1) Playing a sport intensely year-round isn’t just a crazy sport parent thing, it (unfortunately) seems to be expected once a kid hits a certain age and wants to continue in the sport. You double down or get out. Gone are the days of twice a week rec teams.
2) I have close family that would fit the profile of what you describe, and they are the loveliest people. Their three kids are family-oriented and polite and very happy kids (truly I would expect the opposite, too, and am always surprised!) The oldest two played in college — the girl played D1 — and after college they got/are getting regular jobs related to their major and moving on with life. The parents are relatively chill, though, which makes a difference for sure — they supported their kids’ interests, and maybe pushed a little, but they are not the screaming-at-the-ref types at all. Not a lifestyle I want, but it works for them as a family and the kids do genuinely enjoy playing (another key – if the whole family is sacrificing for one kid and any member of the family is suffering that’s a huge issue)
I also bemoan fanatical youth sports culture and am trying to proceed very slowly with my three boys, and when it’s parent-driven it can be hugely harmful. But it seems to work for some people
Josie P
+1. I know one family like this and the kid is a great kid! BUT – playing so much year-round took its toll, kid needed to have 2 hip surgeries this year, right after HS soccer season ended, and probably won’t play competitively again.
Anon
Yikes — my MIL has had 2 hip surgeries. Cannot fathom wear and tear injuries as a kid.
I used to think gymnastics was such a cool thing but then after hearing about the rampant abuse from coaches and bodies being put through the grinder, I think that sports are great but big-time sports seem to have a long negative tail in most cases. Who doesn’t like to win? But even at the Olympics, most people lose and IDK how people like that cope with is an inevitable let-down from that.
Anon
I think it can be both fun for the kids and sort of toxic.
My boss’s two boys do travel baseball and it completely consumes their lives. As an outsider it looks horrible, and I don’t think I would agree to that kind of life even if my kid was begging for it. But his kids seem happy and I really do believe it’s something they want to be doing, not something they were pushed into doing.
I do think it’s a real problem when younger siblings get lost in the shuffle of an older sibling’s demanding sport, and as someone else said I find it especially problematic when it’s girls sitting on the sideline of boys’ games and practices. At least in my boss’s case his two kids seem equally passionate about baseball.
Anon
Yeah, and even if the daughter is also interested in sports, is there a time for her to do more casual league for younger kids? It doesn’t look like it.
Anon
What’s the lifestyle at Lawrenceville?
Anon
It is a boarding school, so a total fishbowl for dorm parents who are also teachers and coaches.
Anonymous
Loled at the Lawrenceville reference as an alum. I loved it, and had great teachers, but I do remember the prof who taught baseball and coached English.
Anonymous
If I were rich enough to afford high-level sports without working, my kid had a true passion, and it could be done without compromising academics or the kid’s well-being, I would totally support the kid’s passion as far as their talent would take them.
Anonymous
IME (and I have a lot of E with this!) it’s usually sporty parents with sporty kids. Sports, not academics, not other ECS, are the priority. Kids are obsessed, parents like that their kids are good and they have fun watching their kids play.
It’s not the choice for everyone, for sure!
We have friends that play elite hockey year round. Travel soccer all over New England. Club teams for sports that require flying to matches/games. Tens of thousands of dollars per year.
But like, nobody throws shade at me for dropping $20k on a family vacation or way too much on lift tickets. Why do I care what they want to do on weekends?! My kids are in upper elem and middle school and play only rec leagues, with the exception of my oldest who is 13 and plays club volleyball. She does it bc there is no rec league. She’s on the lowest level, by choice.
Anon
I was that kid. Grew up in 70s and 80s, long before this was club sports were trendy. I drove this. My parents were uninterested and pretty uninvolved. I found a club team, which we could not afford. I found a scholarship for dues and begged others for rides. I did odd jobs for neighbors to have money for taxi rides when I couldn’t find a ride. I learned more from my coach about life than I did in my home. It was an insane amount of work and my whole life but I ended up with a full ride scholarship to a D1 school. I was the first person in my family to graduate from high school… Club sports was why I was able to attend a good college with no student loans. It is also where I learned values that have served me well. I recognize this is not the norm.Just keep an open mind that the child may really want it.
Anon
My ex-BIL was the ugly duckling growing up in a family that couldn’t afford any activities. He lives vicariously through his oldest son, who was Mr. Baseball, except that he was merely good but not great. Still, baseball got him involved with adult men (coaches and other parents) who were decent human beings and probably much better to be around than his dad. He couldn’t make a big D1 team and needed a scholarship for school and is now borrowing to play baseball at a place that gave him a half scholarship (state U would have been substantially less and maybe he could have walked on a team or a club sport), but you can’t disappoint dad b/c baseball is the currency of love. IDK what he will do when he gradutates in debt and with no more baseball (he won’t go pro — some 18YO minor leaguer will smoke him). He’s a nice kid, but the relationship is messed up.
He has siblings though. A boy who is smart but keeps struggling along with baseball b/c it might get him attention from dad. And two sisters who I doubt the dad even knows exist. They dance and play instruments and I’m sure that my ex-BIL has never been to a concert or dance recital.
Anon
I wonder if in this day and age, all sports achievements are a pay-to-play phenomenon and not a legit accomplishment of a kid (sort of like it used to be with people sending their kid to volunteer in Costa Rica or whatever until people realized it was just a look-good for kids of parents who can write checks for things like that). The kid playing stickball in the dirt is doing a thing — a kid on a travel team . . . maybe is just a random player who has a mom with time and $ to fund this and the really good players could not even involved.
anon
There is definitely a class aspect to this that most people are simply not willing to acknowledge.
Clementine
I’ll bite here – first, let me say that I would rather my kid be outdoors, active, happy, and healthy than doing oh so many other things.
This reflects a high income perspective. Expensive travel sports. There’s a big spectrum though. As someone who now lives in a wealthy suburb but grew up in a poor rural area, sports there were life. The difference was money. There, it was a huge deal if you got to play AAU Travel Basketball, but most kids played in other ways. I see now HS friends absolutely rooting for their kids at HS games. They can’t afford travel teams but instead former ‘star players’ are coming back and coaching and learning to do clinics and extra practices. It’s still time intensive, but I think that it also comes down to: I can afford it and it makes my kid happy, why not.
Monday
+1000
Anonymous
I don’t understand it personally, but it seems that you get in a routine where it is ALL you do and you are unsure of how to do things differently/get out of it so now you do it for the prestige. My boss’ son is a tennis player. A very good tennis player… my boss traveled to tennis tournaments across the country for years every weekend, and then for high school the son went to IMG in Florida and then a different tennis academy, and now plays division one tennis. But this kid is not going to be a pro tennis player, my understanding is that ship has sailed and if you are going to be a pro tennis player, it was going to be when he was 16 or 17.
For scholarships, my understanding tennis doesn’t do full scholarships, so you’re still paying for part of college out of pocket (so, the “free college” argument doesn’t work here. Also, the amount of money this family spends/has spent each year on their son’s tennis is insane to me. One day, when walking to grab lunch a few years ago, my boss (equity partner in big law) was saying that he had run into a partner from another firm and this other partner was talking about a recent European trip he’d taken with his family, and it was this other family’s 2nd lengthy and fancy international trip of that year. My boss couldn’t contemplate how this other guy could afford multiple international trips in a year. I said “well, do his kids play competitive travel sports like your son does? If not, that sports cost probably covers the trips.” My boss stopped walking, his face in shock. He hadn’t considered this. He shared they spent $65,000 on tennis in the past year (and this was before they sent their child to IMG/other tennis focused schools, so that number doesn’t include the tuition). It was honestly shocking for my boss to understand that most people don’t spend tens of thousands of dollars each year on their child’s sport. He had done it for 12+ years when I made that comment and it was just his life/he couldn’t remember life being any other way.
Anon
I’m sorry, he spent HOW much per year on tennis for one child?
Anon
It doesn’t surprise me at all. Tennis is a rich person’s sport. I was a figure skater and knew people who spent six figures on it annually (not my family, although we were definitely in the five figures). We knew multiple families that took out second mortgages on the home or cashed in retirement accounts so their kids good keep skating. It’s truly nuts, especially for a sport like figure skating where you can’t get college scholarships or get paid big bucks to do it professionally. But this is absolutely a thing that people do!
Anonymous
OP of that tennis post here. Yes, That was what he told me. It was the cost of gas, airline Tickets, hotels, rental cars, food while travel, ever tennis racquet, ball, piece of clothing, payment to the tennis coach, athletic trainers, physical therapists, etc.
Anonie
I mean, thousands on tennis is VERY easy to understand. A private coach is at least $50/hour, so even if you just did one hour of coaching all year, boom, that’s $2500. A few weeks of tennis camp in the summer would be $500/week. A tennis club is probably at least $100/month, obviously multiple times that if it’s a country club. A next-level-good racket is a few hundred, as are a few sets of name brand clothes. Basically anyone who plays tennis anywhere other than at school or a public park is going to spend thousands per year easily.
Anonie
Annnnnnd I cant read – tens of thousands! That is a lot but basically take my post and double everything and there you go. :)
Anon
I was a child athlete and the stress of competition was incredibly difficult for me to deal with and if I have a kid, I’ll never put them through that.
Anon
“kid would likely be reasonably able to get into an academically competitive college on academics.”
I’m going to push back on this a bit. College admissions are insane these days. It’s madness. A very, very talented athlete will open doors that are otherwise closed. Remember that Operation Varsity Blues involved faking high level athletic accomplishments – it can really open doors. There is also the stat that something like 43% of white kids admitted to Harvard are athletes, legacies, or developmental admits. Read athletes as “recruited by coaches,” not “run of the mill starting 5 basketball player.”
Sure the kid is smart enough for any school, but that doesn’t get you a fat envelope at any school. Smarts plus rock star soccer player? Hi Harvard.
Anon
I get that, but my friends’ kid played football at Amherst (who might have been a cusp admit otherwise), certainly couldn’t have played D1 football and at best would have been a bench warmer / practice squad person. And I think that these people want real D1 schools, not small D1 smart-kid schools.
Anon
Football got him an Amherst degree. You missed the point.
Anon
There are lots of reasons to support kids who want to play very competitive sports. Those kids are usually popular, they do well in school, often adapt better to the workplace, too. It’s fine if it’s not for your kids, but to dismiss it with a sniff is missing a lot of good reasons for participating.
Anonmom
+ a lot.
My daughter played travel lacrosse through middle and high school because she loved it. It gave her confidence; pride in her own and her team’s accomplishments; taught her how to learn from the losses and be a good sport; gave her physical strength and physical fitness; imbued discipline and time management skills as she learned to balance getting her homework done and doing well academically with the demands of practices, tournaments, etc.; and gave her a community of friends, supportive coaches and other parents all cheering for her. She loves the game, and was excited to continue playing in college at the D3 level so she could also pursue her other interests (which is not always possible in D1 programs). It helped her to find the right college for her, and provided an immediate support system of teammates and coaches when she got there. And I am a very non-athletic parent, but saw the good it did for her and we had a lot of fun with other parents and families on the sidelines and at tailgates as we supported our daughters. We also worked hard to balance the needs of our family, and one parent usually went to her travel tournaments while the other parent took our younger child to his chess tournaments or rec league soccer game. We love them both and having one child in travel sports doesn’t mean we don’t love the other. It is possible to support your kid who loves a sport and gets a lot from it, have fun, and not have an ulterior motive or harm other family members.
It worked for our family and our daughter. You do you.
Anon
Gently, you sound envious or just plain angry at this family for some reason that has nothing to do with sports.
Anon
She didn’t ask about her stance. She asked about the families and maybe gained a new perspective. She doesn’t sound envious or angry. Gently, you sound offbase.
anon
Gently, I’m with Anon 11:18.
Anon
I was going to comment here but just finished skimming the replies. This whole thing seems like a judgment in how other people parent, and those of you who are parents are apparently perfect, so it seems you all have solved the problem to your satisfaction. Enjoy your superiority!
Anonymous
Agreed. Why the judgment?
anon
I mean, given your last sentence, are you really asking someone to explain or are you just indulging in some Friday morning judgmental venting (about something that doesn’t actually impact you, btw)?
Anon
When you start with the assumption that they are “crazy sports parents” you make it clear that you are not really interested in having someone explain anything. You just want people to jump on the bandwagon.
But here is my attempt: I am one of three kids. I am not even a little bit athletic. I played various sports as a young child and every season my parents would ask “Do you want to play this year?” If the answer was yes, I played. Having made that commitment they required that I see it through (no quitting mid-season). Once the answer was no, I stopped playing. One of my brothers played longer than I did but he dropped out when it got intense. In both cases my parents supported us.
My other brother never said “no”. There were certainly mid-season complaints and my parents always said the same thing: no quitting mid-season; you made a commitment to your team and you will see it through. And every year he said “yes” at the beginning of the next season. As he got older and better, he did travel, he had coaches, and his sport definitely ate up time he could have spent on other things and dictated our family’s vacation schedule. He played through college (and yes it definitely helped with admissions although he ended up not going to the schools that offered full rides and yes it was definitely a help with his career in finance). There was never any serious thought that he would go pro. It cost my parents a lot of time and money and they did it because it was what he wanted and they wanted to support him – just like they supported the interests of their other children.
As long as sports are the kid’s idea and not being forced on them, it is not crazy.
Annony
Anne Helen Peterson wrote a fantastic letter about kids sports on her substack/newsletter, Culture Study
https://annehelen.substack.com/p/against-kids-sports
You have to subscribe to read it, I believe, but I love her newsletter.
Anon
Fun question – help me brainstorm a good song to be background music for an action video I’m shooting for an active family vacation this summer. I’d love a moderately fast-paced, energetic beat (matters more than lyrics) and ideally a female lead artist, about 2.5-4 minutes long. If it makes you want to dance or up the pace of your cardio, I’m interested. Indie/folk rock or lighter electronica have worked well in the past, but I’m coming up short with new ideas! Can anyone help me out?
Anon
Len’s Dont Steal My Sunshine (one singer is the sister of the other singer) or Kimbra’s song Carolina?
Anon
Kimbra also sings in the excellent Goyte sing Somebody I used to know.
Monday
Electric Lady by Janelle Monae?
anonshmanon
Rita Ora – I will never let you down
P!NK – Trouble
Pat Benatar – Hit me with your best shot
Eurythmics – Sisters are doing it for themselves
Gamu – Shake the room
Lady Gaga – The edge of Glory
ollie
About Damn Time by Lizzo, Unstoppable by Sia
Anonymous
Madonna – back that up to the beat
Sofi tukker – awoo
Roses – imanbek remix
Annony
– Not family friendly lyrics, but Get Up Get Out by Born Dirty
– Bad Guy, Billie Eilish
– Best Friend, Sofi Tukker
– That’s Not My Name, The Ting Tings
– Pretty much anything from Missy Elliott
– Not female, but Electric Worm, Beastie Boys
– Stutter, Elastica
Monday
I was interested in this shirt until I clicked through and found that this photo is from the back. I swear I’m not just being nitpicky–the tie-neck with a keyhole could be a good neckline for me, but the front of the shirt is a ruffled crewneck, which is probably not.
Anon
For an unknown reason, JCF pictures do not load on my laptop?
The Beagle Has Landed
That’s been happening to me, too. Both work PC and personal Macbook. But this one did load, weirdly.
Anon
Same here.
Anon
Thanks for pointing this out. It looks quite different from the front!
Anonymous
The ruffle appears quite intense.
anon
Good catch!
The Beagle Has Landed
Same here! The shirt on a person is much more ruffly than in this view. And I clicked on it thinking, ew, ruffles, can’t wait for the trend to end, but this isn’t too bad… and then saw what it looks like on!
Anonymous
I don’t own this top, but I wonder if it’s possible to simply turn the shirt around and wear it backwards. You’d probably have to try it in person to know if that works for you!
Anon
Hmm the picture for me is a woman wearing a shirt facing us. Unless she has the full exorcist thing going on with her head, what I’m seeing is a high necked ruffle neck from the front.
That said, I’ve never been against wearing my shirts backwards if I think they work better that way. It depends on whether they have darts in the intended front.
Anon
I’m so glad my boss’ boss just dropped a lot of urgent but not important, high-visibility work on my lap at 9am before a holiday weekend. Most of my office is out or “online” but non-responsive. My company has an early release at 2PM today, but I will definitely be working past that to get this done. Ugh!
Anokha
Someone dropped a 4:30 – 5:30 pm call on my calendar, and it’s a little like… “Really!?”
anon
Right before a 3-day weekend?! That’s just rude, lol.
Anon
Decline! I would.
Anon
I would totally decline.
Senior Attorney
I would totally decline.
Anon
This is the way.
anon
Ugh, just had to schedule a 3pm call, because we’re doing what-if scenarios for the government default…
Monday
At least if you schedule a call or meeting, you’re using your own time too. Putting assignments in someone else’s lap over a holiday weekend is a very different (worse) move!
Anon
Say no.
Anonymous
I’m not the person who posted about supporting a depressed spouse but I’m in a similar circumstance. I’m having a really hard time so please be gentle. My question is – what do you say when they seem to be seeking reassurance that you’re doing ok despite everything that is going on? The answer is I’m not doing ok. Not at all. But I don’t want to make them feel even worse by unloading on them what a hard time I am having. So I just keep it really simple and say yes, I’m doing ok. But they can tell that’s not all there is and that I’m not saying how I’m really feeling because they keep apologizing and pressing for reassurance that I’m fine. But I really don’t want to fall all over myself telling them how wonderful I’m doing and how their depression isn’t hard for me at all because that’s absolutely not the case. It makes me feel like a terrible person. I have a therapist for myself but can’t get an appointment for several weeks.
Anon
Hugs – this is tough. Can you just say that you are dealing with it? And if he needs more, you are giving it the best you can? I hope that you can find time and resources for therapy for yourself.
Anon
No point in pretending when, as you say, they can tell anyway.
Anon
I would be honest with this person. You won’t be doing him or her any favors in the long run by masking impact on you. You don’t have to be vicious, but you absolutely should not pretend that it’s easy.
anon
I tend to agree with this, hard as it might be.
Anon
This, and seek support for yourself. One underrated thing about counseling is that it isn’t just for the people with mental illness, trauma, etc.; it’s also for people who are overwhelmed trying to support someone with those issues.
Anonymous
In the same boat, and not handling it well either. Does your spouse understand he has depression? If so, I think you can be both kind and honest. I’m having trouble coming up with a script but would compare supporting him through depression to him supporting you through, say, cancer. They are both diseases and both horrible, but also kind of what we signed up for when we got married.
Anonymous
Look for peer support. Therapy appointments are only going to take you so far in the situation and they won’t give you the kind of 24 seven access to a Community that will be helpful in between appointments. NAMI offers some, Well Spouse offers some.
Anon
I would be honest and also try to answer the real question behind this. I think likely what they are really asking you is if you can still love them despite what they, and you, are going through. So give that reassurance if you honestly can. Tell them that while it’s obviously hard on you, you can deal because you love them, and you always will, tell them they’re worth it. Tell them what you need in order to deal with it better in the mean time, ex. I need you to understand that I may not always have energy to enthusiastically say I am OK but trust me to deal as best I can and still love you and don’t ask me all the time; or, I need occasional me time to deal better and that doesn’t mean I am not dealing and don’t love you… At least, that is what I would do.
Anon
Forgot to add – of course support/therapy for yourself is absolutely a legitimate need and can help a lot, and seeking it out does not mean you don’t love them or can’t deal, on the contrary.
Anon
Don’t lie to your spouse about this, it’s not going to help either of you.
anon a mouse
Don’t lie, but you also can speak in broad terms. Yeah, we’re both in the thick of it, aren’t we? Like so many other things, this season will pass. It’s hard now but won’t be hard forever. Etc.
Senior Attorney
I think this is the best. I agree not to lie, but if you lay out exactly how hard it is you risk feeding into thoughts of “oh, she’d be better off without me.” And I also very much agree with the poster above who says the real question being asked is “do you still love me/are you going to leave me?”
Anon
Is your spouse seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and responding to treatment?
Regardless, I absolutely think you should share how you are doing.
Yes, they could they be pressing you because they know you aren’t fine. And they are trying to give you space to talk about it?
I am so glad you have a therapist appointment. Yes, you don’t want to unload everything onto your spouse right now, but it honestly is good that at least your depressed spouse cares enough to as. And you absolutely should be able to say… “I’m having a hard time…. I’m worried……I appreciate you asking how I am doing…… I’m glad I have a therapist appointment soon…. ”
You can also call the therapist every day or two in case there’s a last minute cancellation.
You are not a terrible person. You are normal. This is very very hard.
NYNY
You need to be honest with your loved one, but you don’t need to unload. I hope that you have someone else you can unload on if you feel like you need that. It’s a totally valid need and it doesn’t make you a terrible person.
My husband struggles with depression, and like many men in their 50s, isn’t comfortable seeking support. When his symptoms are impacting me, I have to be open about it. “Babe, you have been really short with me the last couple days, and I think it’s because your depression is flaring up again. I’m not mad at you, but I’m hurt and starting to feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you. I’m telling you because I don’t want us to get in a fight.” Same idea if the issue is something else, like lack of interest in anything, sleep issues, isolating. Identify the problem, say how it’s affecting you, and say why you’re bringing it up. Be kind, be loving, and don’t let it escalate.
Anonymous
My marriage to a depressed/anxious spouse got a lot better when I started being honest and drawing boundaries. The best day in my marriage was when I said, “There are at least four things you can do to manage your mental health. They are: Therapy, medication, exercise, or meditation. I cannot stay in this marriage unless you do at least two of these things. I don’t care what you pick, but you have to do something.” My husband started taking a mediocre med (but at least it’s something) and running every day and it has made a massive difference to his mental health. I am trying very hard not to enable his depression by being codependent. I know it’s his brain, not his choice, but he does have choices about how he responds to his brain chemistry and he’s functional enough to make those choices. If he were sicker this might be different, but for us, this was an important step.
Anon
Well done!
Anon
This is so important!
When it became clear that my partner’s depression was medication-resistant (after 18 months of different meds and rTMS) it reinforced how important routine, exercise and meditation are in managing it.
Anon
How I frame this (after 9 years) is by addressing the underlying issues: it’s okay that all they did today was keep breathing. They have value and are loved. My partner regularly tells me it’s not fair to me to be saddled with them and their depression, and I remind them that I am choosing to be there, and that we’re a team, fighting their jerkbrain.
That being said – what are you doing for yourself? Are you taking time for yourself in addition to therapy? Recognize that this sucks and it’s hard, but it’s not forever, and that you can’t fix it .
Hang in there. You’re not a terrible person.
Hypatia
I haven’t experienced this situation but a few things you could say might be: ‘thank you for asking. Of course it’s hard for me too, but I want to support you and care about you and about us.’ Or ‘I’m glad you asked; yes of course it’s been hard, because I care very much. I’m invested in getting through this together.’
No Face
Fun styling question!
What should I wear to the Beyoncé concert this summer? My ordinary style is “extremely comfortable” so I don’t even know where to start. I’m happy to show some skin because I’ve hitting the gym hard and I’m feeling myself.
Size 8, D cup, brown skin.
Anon
Do you care about quality or being able to wear it again? If not, I would look at Fashion Nova and PrettyLittleThing and buy the wildest, most-fun outfit that appeals to you. You could also look at Queen of Sparkles for fun sparkly things to wear, or Farm Rio for things with bright prints. Go for broke! Have fun!
Senior Attorney
I would totally do Queen of Sparkles. If you can’t wear it to a Beyonce concert, where can you wear it?
Pep
For some reason, halter jumpsuit popped into my head. IDK why, I have never worn such a garment in my life.
Anonymous
I’m the same size as you and just got the Max Mara Leisure Mammola Jersey Dress which is incredibly flattering and comfortable. The dress is navy – not sure if that’s a good color for you.
anon
My style is also extremely comfortable. My first thought is a short, sparkly dress. Maybe something from Rent the Runway?
Anon
Honestly, I’d start with the shoes. I’m not wearing heels or sandals to a concert anymore as an Old. I would want to wear nice sneakers, which goes with my punk rock/tomboy style but not with a sparkly mini dress (imo). So in your case I’d wear a cute jumpsuit or a nice crop top /shorts combo depending on what area of my hot bod I wanted to highlight!
More Sleep Would Be Nice
I’m going with my BFF in late summer/early fall. I’m thinking of ordering something off of Etsy – so many fun Beyoncé/Renaissance things there!
Anon
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/7211845?color=336&size=medium
Maybe this is a weird choice because it says evening gown, but when I saw it browsing the sale yesterday, I thought “Beyoncé.”
That said, I didn’t wear anything special last time I went. It’s dark in the stadium and even through we had $400ish seats, we were still pretty crowded and my friend got spilled on, so maybe never mind with my suggestion haha!
No Face
Thanks for the responses! My summer uniform is “linen sack and Birkenstocks” so now I have some brands to scroll through! I am leaning toward sneakers and mini dress.
Anonymous
I would do jean shorts and a party top, cross-body bag and sneakers.
Sneakers because of potentially gross floors or porta-loos, depending on venue.
Cross-body bag to keep arms free.
Shorts because I wouldn’t want a dress or skirt to be caught in the bag and I like pockets.
Shorts or skirt/dress over jumpsuit or romper because I’d want to spend as little time at the bathrooms as possible.
For inspiration for the top – I would get something Lizzo would wear, love her party style!
Josie P
Help! I need a HS graduation gift for a friend’s son (need to get at a store today bc we are seeing them tomorrow). He is sporty, popular, and going to London on his first semester for major in “international business”. Would like to spend around $100. TIA!
Anon
I know it feels tacky to some. But I think cash is your best option.
Anonymous
I am a “giving cash to peers at weddings makes me itchy and nauseous” person, but cash to a graduate from an adult feels completely appropriate.
Anon
Agreed. I think that’s why giving cash at weddings feels wrong to me. It seems like something adults do for children. But in this case he is a child.
Cat
Money. Just give him $100.
Anon
Cash! 100% – I think that’s the expected gift for graduates!
Anon
Yup cash. If you won’t do cash, gift card to a store like Target where he can choose to use it on practical stuff or fun stuff.
anon
I appreciated cash gifts for my HS graduation.
Anon
Visa gift card so he can use it in London.
Anokha
Or give him pounds? It’s still cash — but a nice nod to his London trip!
Anon
They do not take cash/pounds anywhere in London. It’s all electronic these days. Give him plain old cash/check that he can put in the bank so he’s not charged extra for the GC fees.
Cerulean
Most Visa gift cards are not valid outside the US. They also take out fees and are annoying to use here, I really wish people would stop giving them and just give cash.
Anon.
This.
Anon
I think Target/Amazon gift cards are fine. You can use them online or in person, no fees, etc. But agree that Visa gift cards are annoying.
Anon
Money!
Anon
Having had 4 graduates in the last year, everyone gave money. It was kind of-dull, but that really is all anyone gives these days.
Anonymous
Cash. If you must, a hat or Soccer jersey supporting a team he likes. But really, cash!
Anon
Have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t like your friend’s boyfriend? What did you do? Did you ever say anything? What if your friend then got married?
I’m trying to keep my mouth shut and be supportive, but man…I think she’s settling and it’s hard to watch because this guy is just not good enough for her.
Anon
Yes. My best friend’s husband is a massive manbaby who is allergic to doing what’s best for the family instead of himself. I’ve even posted about it here before. He leaves garbage all over the house and nothing, NOTHING will get him to stop. He refuses to consider any job that isn’t in his highly specific “preferred field,” which is a tiny, insular, and minimum-wage world (imagine being an oak tree inspector for a county parks department and you’ll get my drift). He then has the gall to resent my friend for being the breadwinner and completely shuts down if she ever brings up their issues. I have never told my friend and have made an enormous effort to keep it from her, but she’s guessed anyway – a big part of her knows that his behavior is unacceptable and that most people would perceive it that way. I didn’t have to say a word for her to guess my true feelings.
Ellen
I read all of the posts and agree with all of them. We should stand up for ourself, and not be to afraid to say if a guy is a loser, if he is. But if our girlfriends are stuck on the loser, there’s not to much we can do. My Dad had to help me see that I d id not have to stick with a loser just b/c I wanted to get married and have kids, and he was there and potentially marrage material, b/c he wasn’t. But since he was the best of the worst, as Grandma Trudy said, I was so anxius to make it work and make him propose to me. But all he did was take over my apartement, drink and slobber all over me for s-x when I came home from work. He was an accountant, but never got his CPA b/c he was coasting off of my good graces. FOOEY on him! I knew deep down that I should be abel to find a better guy, but men did not want any woman like me who was assertive. Sure men loved the idea that I would work and make money, but he wanted to be waited on like royalty, and expected me to handle all the things even tho he just lounged about drinking while I was working for months! What kind of marrage would that be with him? I am lucky my Dad intervened and booted him out!
Anon
If that’s your attitude, keep your mouth shut. It’s fine to just not like people (very normal!), and you should definitely say something if you think he’s abusive or raises red flags in some other way, but thinking someone isn’t good enough just comes across as sort of snobby. If I were your friend, that would pretty quickly get me wondering whether I was good enough for you either.
Anon
I can tell that one of my old friends does not like or approve of my husband. I have my own opinion about where her issues with him stem from. I am grateful that she has never actually brought it up and can’t imagine how having this conversation would have helped either of us!
Anon8
My best friend got pregnant after going on one date with a guy from Tinder. She decided to keep it and they’ve been together for three years and even chose to have a second kid together. He’s a huge as sh ole and I hate him. BFF is a surgery resident who works 80+ hour weeks and her partner expects her to do all the housework. He obviously doesn’t love her and is only there for the kids. He plays video games during the workday and then “has” to work in the evening when the kids are home from daycare. He was all worried about her “getting her body back” after pregnancy. I could go on and on.
I’ve never said anything to her about him, just been supportive of my friend. She knew I thought she should terminate the first pregnancy, and honestly it doesn’t help her at all this point to know I’m judgmental about her partner. Recently it sounds like they’re headed towards splitting, so sounds like things are getting resolved one way or another. If your friend seems completely oblivious to the bad qualities of her fiance maybe a gentle conversation is in order, but just because it’s not the choice you’d make doesn’t mean it’s the choice she wants to make, you know?
Anon
Oh my gosh…. I feel for your friend. It is nearly impossible to be a female surgery resident with 2 young kids without a partner/24hour live in care. And you can’t afford to pay for care on a resident’s salary. But if she waits until she finishes residency to divorce, then she will likely have to pay him alimony for years while she supports the 2 kids alone (likely) and has to pay back hundred’s of thousands of loans and still be working like crazy.
BeenThatGuy
Generally, I keep my mouth shut and limit my exposure to the person I don’t like. But one time, I said something. The night before my best friend was to marry the worst possible human on the planet, I spoke up. I could tell she was having second thoughts. I gently said “If you don’t want to do this, I will handle everything. I will make every call, every arrangement and do nothing but take care of you until you have the courage to face the world again”. She sobbed in my arms for hours. Married him the next day. They had a tumultuous few years, had a baby, got divorced and he’s made her life a living hell for the last decade. She thanked me for speaking up that day and regretted not taking me up on my offer.
Anonymous
Not the OP, but wanted to chime in to say that your friend is very lucky to have you. I am sure that was not easy to say that to her the night before the wedding. Sounds like she realizes she is lucky you are in her life.
anon
This is so sweet and lovely, and reminds me of what Carrie told Charlotte before she walked down the aisle with Trey.
Anon
Sadly, I tried this with my best friend…. as we were standing in the bathroom before she was about to marry her long term live-in boyfriend at City Hall…. before his green card expired.
They married.
She eventually divorced, stopped talking to me, and got married again without even telling me.
Anon
Yup. I never liked my best friend’s boyfriend from the first time I met him and he made a really crude s3xual comment about her. It got easier over time as I saw that he treated her reasonably well. We were never friends, but became friendly. They got married and had kids. He is, imo, a terrible dad. Not just in the usual way of being checked out and leaving the hard work of parenting to the mom (although there’s some of that too) but he also blatantly favors one kid and can be really cruel to the non-preferred kid. I keep my mouth shut except to sympathize when she talks about it.
Anonymous
What does “not good enough for her” mean here? Be specific.
Anon
Yes, one of my closest friends at one point was dating a guy who was a walking disaster – he’d been divorced twice and had recently been thrown out of another girlfriend’s house when she caught him cheating on her. My friend, for inexplicable reasons, looked at this human pile of breathing garbage and was like “hey, he’s kinda cute and I think I can fix him!” They started dating and from the jump it was all drama. He’d call obsessively and then wouldn’t call for days; he claimed he didn’t show up at her house when he was supposed to because he’d gotten in a car accident – but his car was completely fine, etc. The kicker was one night when he called her from a strip club because he and his “boys” ran up an $800 tab they couldn’t pay and he was asking her to come with the money and bail him out before the club called the police. And she actually did it. This was my best friend: a very smart, savvy, successful person, and I just could not understand what the heck was going on here. It was like a different person had taken over her body. She said the gardening was amazing so maybe that was it? Wouldn’t be enough for me, but whatever.
I contemplated telling her “you need to dump this parasite and get some therapy to figure out why you’re doing this to yourself” many, many times but knew that would just hurt her feelings and alienate her. I grinned and bore it; kept my mouth shut, and I will admit – let a few of her calls go to voicemail when she would call at 11 at night and I knew she was calling about some ridiculous thing he’d done.
Good news: within about 9 months of dating him she finally woke up and realized “this is ridiculous” and broke up with him. To this day she says “I honestly have no idea what that was about” – my theory is it was some kind of pheromone thing; she was attracted to him on some kind of biological level and couldn’t help herself. But eventually it wore off, or something. So hang in there and continue keeping your mouth shut. It’s entirely possible this is a season of her life that will be brief and pass. If it doesn’t – you don’t have to like your friend’s spouse to stay friends with your friend, but it likely will affect the amount of time you spend with her. Especially if she does end up marrying the guy.
Anon
Answering a slightly different question: when I met my husband, I got a LOT of “no one is good enough for our precious Jonathan” and a lot of petty crap from his friends and family. (The tales of the pettiness are fairly epic.)
I have offered my husband extremely reasonable divorce settlement terms and custody arrangements. My feeling is, if I’m not good enough for him, we will both be happier if he finds someone who is. He doesn’t have to settle and I don’t have to spend the rest of my life feeling beaten down. It caused a lot of pain and ultimately, the friendships didn’t last and we could have bought a very nice sports car with the money we have spent on marriage counseling.
If you have actual problems about character, state them once. If it’s anything else, MYOB.
No Problem
Yes. In her early-mid 20s my friend dated a guy who I thought was rather marginal. He had trouble keeping a job, still seemed really stuck on hanging out with his high school friends, depended a lot on his parents who lived locally, etc. He had gone to a middling college and was a mediocre student while my friend went to the state’s flagship school and absolutely knocked it out of the park academically in a very tough program. (they met after college through a mutual friend) But now they’ve been married 10 years and I think they are a great match. In retrospect, he was probably dealing with a lot of depression/anxiety around career choice (some of it no doubt fueled by his parents), and his friends were also taking their time “launching” into adulthood so it seemed normal to him to take his time getting his feet under him (can you tell I didn’t really like his friends either? A couple of them have grown on me in recent years but a few of them I still don’t like for various reasons). Once he went back to grad school for something he actually wanted to do his career really took off and he gained a lot of personal confidence. He still has his own mental health issues that he’s working on, but so does my friend and he is honestly just the best support person for her. Is he a perfect person? Of course not. But I was definitely way too judgy all those years ago and failed to see his potential as a life partner for my friend.
Senior Attorney
I’ve been the person with the bad husband. None of my friends wanted to hang out with us as a couple and I really treasured the ones who were at least willing to have lunch or drinks with me by myself. I think it’s fine to state your concerns, once, unprompted, and it’s also okay to respond honestly when/if she asks for relationship advice. But the best thing you can do to support her is to just be there for her and don’t drop her because she’s made a bad choice in a mate.
Clementine
I didn’t love my friend’s boyfriend. I thought he was kind of a jerk. He also seemed to just not be very functional as a human. Like, he’s someone who would regularly do something like forget shoes other than flip flops for a week long family ski trip. He’s also a physician but he actively works as little as possible, so it’s not an ‘oh he’s so overworked’ situation. I was pretty neutral on him but our other friends HATED him.
Well, they now have kids and I went to visit them and… Wow, I didn’t realize I could hate someone so much. Imagine seeing your friend with every spark of the person they used to be snuffed out. Imagine seeing that their partner was not only another child they needed to care for – that would have been preferable! – but actively adding to their burden. His obliviousness to how to Human is so gut wrenching that seeing my friend broke my heart.
I respond in neutral terms and let my friend know that I love and support her but also when behaviors are not normal.
Anon
“Imagine seeing your friend with every spark of the person they used to be snuffed out.”
This is so heartbreaking.
Anon
I have a doctor friend who is so similar to this that it feels like you’re talking about him. He has serious ADHD that has not responded to treatment. I am not honestly sure what I think he should do! But it is hard to be in relationships that will and can never be normal.
Anon
My husband and I always talk about the window to say something in this situation. The window is only there if it’s a very close friend, if they haven’t been dating too long, but long enough that you worry it’s going to get serious (otherwise don’t bother sticking your neck out). I think you have the opportunity to say something about a boyfriend who sucks ONE time. Ideally obviously when your friend has asked for your opinion in some way, but even if not, you can make one unsolicited remark if you really think your friend is unhappy/will be unhappy. After that if they stay with the guy you have to keep your mouth shut.
I have a friend that I missed the window with, she stayed with the awful guy and married him and we completely drifted apart. We haven’t even spoken since my wedding. It’s not malicious, but given how flakey she is and how much effort it has taken to keep in touch with everyone during the pandemic, why spend the effort to reach out to someone if it means I’ll have to deal with *that guy*.
Monday
My BFF has a horrible husband. He’s not physically abusive, to my knowledge, but he’s emotionally abusive in every way. They got involved quickly, with her becoming fully financially dependent on him (which I think he likes, so that he has the last word in all decisions) and having kids. She has not said anything good about him for years. He refuses to do counseling either with her or alone, because he insists he doesn’t need it.
I don’t remember whether I ever directly “said anything,” but she knows me well enough to know what I think. I have vaguely mentioned that I have a spare room in my house if that would ever be helpful. Sometimes I also repeat back to her exact things she said, to try to help her hear herself: “You think he’s a narcissist.” “You think he might try to take full custody of the kids and not let you see them.”
I’m chronically afraid for her. I can’t imagine it “ends well,” because the ending will either be this toxic marriage going on forever, or them getting divorced and him using his money to try to ruin her life (she fully anticipates that). There was a period when I had trouble relating to her and questioned the friendship, and honestly if they lived locally we’d probably have an issue because I don’t like being around him. But being a friend from a distance is working, and she is still a good friend to me.
Anon
I don’t like my sister’s husband. I guarantee you wouldn’t either. He’s very, very hard to take.
Living with him all of these years has rubbed off on her and now instead of being her old funny obnoxious self, she has become mean obnoxious.
Anyway, now that she’s mean, she shouted at the rest of us last time we saw her “you all hate my husband!” So she knows, despite none of us saying anything. I have to think some of that comes from her knowing he’s horrible to be around? Idk. But they’ve been married for 10+ years so seem to be making it work. I hardly see her anymore. I miss the sister I used to have.
Anon
They always know. I also find it really awkward when my best friend says things like “I’m worried you don’t like my husband” and I have to lie.
Senior Attorney
Don’t lie. I feel like a proper response would be “well, what matters is that you love him and that’s good enough for me!” or whatever.
OP
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. Luckily the guy in question hasn’t shown any abusive behaviours or major red flags like that, but here have been a few, let’s say, pink flags. I think for now I just have to grin and bear it though.
Anonypottamus
Can I ask what pink flags? Might also help to know the ages of the people in question!
Anonie
+1, you have to be specific for us to know if this is worth speaking up about. He’s mean, crude, racist, sexist, that’s one thing. He’s a bit of an awkward loser? Not so much.
Anonymous
I was not super encouraging of my BFF’s now husband while they were dating but she was really committed to them staying together and getting married and now having a baby. I’ve just kept my mouth shut bc she’s obviously committed to this path and I see no good coming out of me telling her that I don’t like him. He’s a man child who leans on her to do the majority of the housework and do everything on his timeline and his preferences (e.g. his hobbies are now “their” hobbies) even while she’s the breadwinner. I’m here for her and just comment politely on mentions of him and I ask after him out of politeness but don’t show extra enthusiasm
eertmeert
In my 20s I would say what I thought and try to make my friends see how they were selling themselves short or letting themselves be at best manipulated, at the worst, abused. This approach backfired on me every single time. The friends would do a slow fade, or not share stuff with me. It never ended up with them thanking me for my honesty and leaving the guy.
In my 40s, I have a good friend who married a guy who is controlling, insecure and nowhere near good enough for her. She is a total sweetheart but not experienced with relationships and she thinks this is what love looks like. It’s rough to watch. But we want to be in her life so we don’t talk badly of him with her.
We did gently push back once or twice at the beginning of the relationship when we saw some bad signs, and then again after they got engaged. But she brushed those off so we just shut our traps and turn to each other for support.
My mantra is that I want to be a raft, not a rift. But it sucks.
Anon
This was so my 20s. Friend would be dating a bad guy, they would cry to me about him, I would be on friend’s side, sometimes they’d break up and tell me how terribly he was and I’d agree. Then they’d get back together and I’d be iced out because I had said boyfriend was a bad guy (when I was simply agreeing with my friend during the breakup period.)
Toxic relationships are toxic for everyone!
Anon
Most of my friends are dating people I would never date, generally I think my friends could do better, and I would much rather hang out with my awesome friend than my friend and their (as far as I understand) sub-awesome partner.
But that’s a me problem, not a them problem. I’m also universally happy for my friends because THEY are happy. THEY have found someone they really enjoy being around. THEY are making choices for themselves in their own interests.
The only thing to do here is be happy for your friends and recognize you never see the full story inside someone else’s heart and relationship.
anon
I’m 46 and think I’m starting the peri-menopause phase. I’m still on the pill so I haven’t had a lot of physical changes except for night sweats. Has anyone experienced emotional/mental changes? Sometimes I feel so emotional and the littlest things make me cry. I’m dealing with frustrating things at work that seem to be bringing me down and making me more irritable than normal. Just curious what others have experienced.
Anonymous
49 and not quite there, but what you describe is certainly part of what peers and educational materials describe.
PolyD
Menopause is basically puberty in reverse so, yeah. Mood swings. I went through a phase where I kind of couldn’t stand to be around my partner (we’ve been happily together since the 1990s) for no good reason at all. Things like a misplaced tv remote would send me into a rage.
So yes, it’s normal. The question is whether it’s annoying enough to consider HRT or other medications, which is entirely up to you. But you’re not alone.
OP
Thank you! That helps. I’ve felt the rage thing too about simple things. I WFH by myself during the day so I’ll grumble out loud, but I try to be normal when I’m around my husband.
anon
Does HRT help with the emotional stuff? Because I am just weirdly PMS-y off and on and it’s really irritating. (Possibly extra irritating because everything irritates me rn!)
Anon
I think it can! Progesterone (not progestin) is key for emotional stuff for me.
Anon
Yes, this could be peri. That phase started for me about three years ago, when I was 43 – I thought I was having some kind of breakdown or had a brain tumor or something. Saw my primary care doctor and an OB/GYN and they both gently told me it was perimenopause; I thought I was way too young for that but as my GYN pointed out – peri can last for 10 years prior to actual menopause (meaning your periods have stopped) and if my mom went through menopause at 51 – I could do the math. My best friend is almost 47 and she is completely through menopause; has not had a period in 18 months and blood testing (which is apparently of limited value, but her doctor did it anyway to be sure something else wasn’t going on) showed she’s menopausal. We’re considered to be “of menopausal age” any time after 44, meaning not just that we can be in peri but we can be fully menopausal. It happens so much sooner than I thought, honestly.
I have a Mirena IUD which provides progesterone; my mom had post-menopausal ER+ breast cancer so they don’t want to give me estrogen. What has helped for me: lots of exercise (3x a week minimum; HIIT cardio at home and elliptical/weights at the gym; also going hiking/biking as weather permits); drinking less alcohol and caffeine; having a bedtime routine that helps me get sleepy; being firm about my boundaries at work so I don’t get pushed to my limit, stress-wise. I take flaxseed oil, vitamin D, a B-complex vitamin and COQ10 daily. I also use melatonin (5mg) as needed to help me sleep. I was offered an antidepressant by both my doctors but have not done it; some of my friends take one and say it helps. I may do that if things get worse.
There are lots of options out there and there’s an increasing focus on perimenopause and menopause health care. If you haven’t talked to your gynecologist/women’s health specialist, do it and see what they might be able to do for you. You don’t just have to suffer.
Anonymous
Completely normal but oh so annoying. I have always been completely even keel. Had been married for 20 years when I started peri-menopause and husband remarked it was the first time he ever heard me yell (other than calling the dog from across the dog park).
Anonymous
ohhhh yes. brain fog, irritability, extremely emotional over little things. I give my husband a “bitch alert” the week before my period so they know to give me a wide berth because it’s soooo much worse now than it ever was. 46 now.
Anon
Peri-menopause is the only time in my life that I’ve been a cryer. I cried over “things” and I cried for no reason at all. And when I cried it wasn’t just some tears leaking out, oh no, it was like a river flowing from my eyeballs. I was seen crying at work one time like that, and had to try to explain that no, there wasn’t anything actually wrong. The river flowing from my eyes seemed to indicate otherwise and I kept getting pressed about what was wrong. I finally said “It’s the f$cking menopause, okay?” and hoo boy did that shut up the male person pressing for an answer. Good news – out the other side and into full menopause this isn’t an issue anymore at all.
Anon
Yes. My symptoms started at 44, last period at 50 (58 now). While I found myself more emotional and depressed (which I never had a problem with prior), I also found that things like exercise and meditation helped keep me more even keeled, whereas those things did not have much of an impact prior to peri and menopause.
OP
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories! It really helps to know other people are experiencing the same thing. The mood swings have been most manageable for now, but I’m going to look more into HRT.
Sunshine
+10,000 I’m not the OP but I am early 40s and I find women sharing their experiences with this life stage oh so helpful. I may give this to my husband to read too. I’m discovering that men know zero about this stage – and women not much more.
Anon
Yes, yes, yes.
I mean, I now cry after reading Reddit post.
I am seeing a GYN next month about starting hormone replacement therapy.
Anonymous
47 and I think I’m getting there too. I haven’t experienced anything like you describe, but from what I’ve been reading it’s normal…
Anon
I’m so glad the conversation around perimenopause is gradually opening. From everything I’ve read, while symptoms including yours are typical, by no means do they have to be just accepted. Just as we wouldn’t accept horrible pain during periods or mental symptoms outside of peri. HRT is generally under prescribed because of a (now widely rejected) study that indicated breast cancer risk. HRT has a menu of benefits including improved cognitive health, lower dementia risk, improved mood, reduced physical symptoms. I recommend Dr Jen Gunter on this topic.
Runner
Did anyone see their hair change in a major way once they turned 40? I am a few months past my birthday and honestly it feels a bit like it did after I had my kids, a ton of shedding, and this time the texture is a bit fuzzy but also a bit…brittle? Is this a thing? Any products you would recommend?
Anon
I would be making sure everything is okay endocrinologically and maybe even nutritionally since hair health can reflect health health.
In the meantime, $$$ keratin treatment or for <$10 try Loreal's 8 second wonder water and see if you like the outcome.
Anon
Yes; see perimenopause discussion above. This is one of the symptoms.
Anon
Yes.
I started a Costco Hair/Nails/Skin multivitamin. And will ask my hairdresser next month about what sort of products/?deep conditioners would be right for me.
I was also told to wash my hair less, stop the blow drying, and don’t pull it back tightly into ponytails. Gentle gentle…
Anonymous
K-18 works for me.
Anon
I’ve been through telogen effluvium twice now since perimenopause (I’m fully menopausal now.) My hair is also a lot frizzier than it used to be but I think it may be because I have a lot of regrowth at various lengths at all times. Read up on telogen effluvium and see if it rings a bell. I think I know why it happened to me one of the two times, but no idea about the other. Both times I had it diagnosed by my dermatologist as I was losing so much hair I thought I was going completely bald.
anon
Yes, and continuing to color my hair (I do it at home, currently using Madison Reed) helps the texture a lot. I use Rogaine for hair loss and the hair that has grown back in after I started Rogaine is fine and frizzy. The hair color seems to beef up the texture of some strands and generally make it less frizzy/brittle. I use dark dye, though; not bleach. I also use L’Oreal one step clear gloss about a week after I color, and then every two weeks thereafter, and that seems to help the texture without weighing down my hair.
ScandiCorp
Bridgette Raes has written about her menopause hair challenges: https://www.bridgetteraes.com/2023/01/30/defrizzing-my-menopausal-hair-how-i-remapped-my-haircare/
Based on this, I suspect I may have a bit of perimenopause hair issue going on – I end up looking a bit like a dandelion.
Portland Recs!
Hi I’ll be in Portland OR for a conference and would love food recommendations! I’ll be staying near the convention center and ideally would walk everywhere- best places to go for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Thank you so much!
Monte
The area around the convention center is pretty grim. I think OX is walkable from there, though, and Upright Brewing for delicious non-IPA beers. A longer walk/quick Uber up towards either Mississippi Ave or Williams will bring you to Eem, Lovely’s 50/50, Broder Nord (breakfast), Victoria Bar, The 1905, and a bunch of other fun spots.
Portland is a great food town, so if you are willing to look further afield than the Lloyd District, though, there are a ton more options.
Senior Attorney
Gravy for breakfast (breakfast all day). It’s in the Mississippi neighborhood, which isn’t in walking distance but easily reachable by light rail and is fun for a bit of strolling.
Anon
Pine State Biscuits! Looks like there’s a location right near the convention center.
Anonymous
you can walk via the Blumenauer pedestrian bridge down to a more fun NE neighborhood for food! In that area I’d recommend: Noble Rot (nicer lunch/dinner), nong’s Khao man Gai or kinboshi ramen for casual lunch/dinner, rontoms for a fun bar/happy hour, happy cup for coffee, dimos for pizza (ne haven style), pacific standard for dinner and good drinks. it’s also a super short uber ride as others have said to n. Mississippi and n. Williams which have TONS of things: broder nord for breakfast, mee sen thai for thai street food, i second the eem recommendation, lovelys fifty fifty for pizza and drinks
Anon
We were just there for a fun weekend and if you decide you’re up for taking one of their trams (very convenient; just tap your credit card and get on) or grabbing a Lyft (not that pricey getting from one part of the city to another), I’d strongly recommend Tusk. We had such a great time and the food is wonderful. There are several small shops around that area, too like Fifty Licks Ice Cream.
Meg
Long one, but appreciate input as I’m parsing a recent social interaction that has left me feeling meh.
I’m in my 20s and at the beginning of a hyper-specialized career in a very niche industry that will marry my passions with a strong possibility to do quite well financially.
I recently joined a social country club that is connected to my industry – I will remain vague, but would compare it to my being a budding chairlift engineer and joining a downhill ski chalet on the weekends. Obviously most other people in the club enjoy the activity (“skiing”) without necessarily understanding or caring about the industry (“chairlift design”). Whatever. I enjoy socializing while feeding my passion for my field.
I attended a women’s social event hosted by the club this week. Over drinks, I mentioned that I worked in “chair lift” industry. Family came up, and I shared that my dear partner is taking time off of work to pick a new career venture. He has some savings from some real estate stuff, so time off is not a financial issue, and if he wants to stay home making dinner and dealing with my dry cleaning while I work 14 hour days, all the better for him. I joked that while he was taking a year to “find” himself, I was really excited about my budding career and had a “50 year plan”. It was a throwaway joke because I’m a type-A person in a regulated field, and I love that he is a chill guy supporting my long work days and ladder-climbing.
One older woman immediately guffawed, paused the group conversations around the table and said “Gosh you are so very naïve! 50 year plan, and you don’t even have kids yet!” I just changed the subject.
This feels so silly, because I don’t even know this woman and who gives a crap whether she thinks I’m naïve, or will have children, or achieve my career goals? (Me, apparently!)
I’m looking for a reality check – is it really so incredible that I would line myself up to work in an industry that I enjoy and achieve that? Is it inevitable that I come to hate “chair lifts” and quit in a decade? I feel like she was just rude, and that for a first interaction at this club it left a sour taste in my mouth.
Anon
Gently, I think you’re overreacting. Her comment was a little rude, but it’s kind of silly to have a 50 year career plan in your 20s. Not necessarily because of anything to do with kids or partners (and it’s wrong to assume everyone wants kids) but just because careers aren’t a straight line for most people. It’s not inevitable that you’ll decide you hate chair lift design and quit, but it’s also far from a given that you’ll be doing it in 50 years. I’m “only” 38 and I would say the vast majority of people I know are on a pretty different path than they thought they’d be at 25. I think that’s all she was trying to say, and apart from the assumption you want kids, I don’t really think it’s an inaccurate comment.
Anon
Maybe that woman was rude in her delivery, but she’s right, you can plan all you want but no one has any idea where life will take them.
Anon
+1
I actually thought you were kidding when you said “50 year plan”.
Gently, yes you sound young! But that is why we love ambitious, non-jaded, life has all possibilities 20 somethings.
And honestly, you revealed a lot of personal details of your life for such a casual interaction! When you communicate like that, some people may respond in an similarly familiar way. Don’t take it as a criticism. Just food for thought.
Anon
You did well changing the subject. Now just let it go. You’re in your 20s and you have ambitious plans and no kids, nothing wrong with that. She’s just being judgmental.
Senior Attorney
I think two things can be true at once:
1. She was obviously incredibly rude
2. 50 year plans are all fine but are best taken with a grain of salt. When I was your age, I was telling people that my deal with my then-husband was “he’s supporting me through law school, then I’m going to be a BigLaw lawyer and support him for the rest of his life!” Heh. Good thing he had the decency not to use that against me in our divorce…
Anon
Yeah when I was in my 20s I firmly planned to be married with 2 kids by 30…I’m 38 and single.
It’s not to say that your goals are ridiculous, OP, but in the immortal words of Ferris Bueller: life comes at you pretty fast.
Anon
That’s for her to figure out on her own. Telling her in advance that her plans will never work out is a thief of joy.
Anon
She didn’t say “your plans will never work out.” She said it’s naive to have a 50 year plan in your 20s. And it is. It’s ok to be naive! It’s not the worst thing in the world. But it is naive.
Anon
But that isn’t what she was told! Maybe that is what the OP heard, but I actually heard a wiser older woman saying….. who knows what tomorrow will bring.
anon
IDK, it sounds like you made a joke that didn’t land or the woman doesn’t have a sense of humor and took you very literally.
Anon
Was she joking?
I don’t think so, or she might have taken the response as a little tongue-in-cheek as well!
Anon
It doesn’t sound like OP was joking!
anonshmanon
With all this chairlift code, it’s really difficult to opine on what may or may not be realistic for you. Take it from someone who had A Plan and her eyes on a certain career since high school and chose to pivot after 12ish years on that specific track: there may be big and small ways in which the real career is very different from what it looks like in your head at the moment. Your priorities may also change over time. (I don’t mean that as a condescending ‘You, too, will eventually want children’. I was happy to see the world in my twenties, and fairly suddenly got tired of moving every 3 years for temporary jobs in my 30ies.)
Just keep an open mind that both getting more information and/or your changing priorities might influence your career choices, and that, in my opinion, makes you a smart person who can adapt when old goals no longer serve her.
That woman sounds a bit rude, though!
Anon
Just let it go. I don’t have kids and would never imply that someone is going to want to quit their ambitious job to be a SAHM, but I’d also laugh (at least to myself) if someone told me they had a 50 year plan. Life just doesn’t work that way. Industries change, you change, the world changes, all kinds of things can happen. It was a little mean to call you out, but she was probably mostly thinking back to her younger and more naïve days. Avoid her in the future if you want, but just move on.
Anon
I find that there’s a certain type of person who loves to sh*t on anyone who dares make plans for the future. You see it a lot with parenting – you can say something like “our plan is to have the baby sleep in his own room” and then get a huge guffaw and “just you wait, babies are unpredictable, you’re so naive!!!” God forbid you say something like “we prefer to buy organic formula” – then you’ll get the next level “haha I just can’t care that my baby’s formula is going to kill us all – it’s cute you think it matters.” The other common vein I see often is making fun of people who plan vacations or make detailed itineraries – stuff like “wow that’s insane, I prefer to just relax and go with the flow.”
All of it is trying to make you feel inferior for having a different personality type. The best thing to do with those comments is ignore them and minimize your time around those people. They are very insecure and it’s important not to let that rub off on you.
Anon
You oveshared and got a strange reaction. I would probably be thinking the same thing as her, but wouldn’t say it out loud. Were you dominating the conversation talking about yourself and not asking about others?
Anyway, lesson learned. Don’t ruminate on it, just move forward and keep the chit chat at a superficial level until you know these people better.
Anon
+ 1. OP, it does really sound like you were oversharing and talking yourself up a bit. It’s great to be excited about the future, but unfortunately a lot of people you barely know are not going to be thrilled to hear about how great you feel about yourself and your career. Save it for people close to you who love you and then try to temper down some of the enthusiasm about dominating the world with new folks. It may read as naive and self-important.
Anon
It was rude of her to say that out loud. IMO it’s great to make a 50-year plan in your 20s. Just be aware that you might decide to change the plan later. In fact it’s extremely likely that you will. For example, maybe after working for 30 years and doing well financially, you’ll decide to retire early.
Trixie
I think you over-shared, with details about yourself and your partner, and it did not land well. could it have sounded self-satisfied? smug? With new people who you are still getting to know it is good to be general and focus on getting to know the others. And, this woman was rude and ridiculous. Just ignore the comments and don’t worry about it. There is a reason for that cliche–“we make plans and God laughs.” Things happen….
Anon
Yes – in the future, try asking other people about their lives! Especially at a group table with all new people – really never a reason to be sharing this much about yourself and your life. It’s supposed to be a back-and-forth, and the more you can engage others and share the love around the table, the better you’ll be received.
Anon
It sounds like you wanted the table to be amazed and impressed by you and your career, but that when that wasn’t the response you got, it hit extra hard. It’s great to be enthusiastic and excited, but most new people don’t need to hear about your 14-hour days and ladder climbing. Her response was very rude, but it sounds to me a bit like she was exasperated hearing you talk, as I imagine a lot of folks would be.
Even here, you say that she can’t believe you would enjoy your industry and achieve in your field. I don’t think that’s what it is at all. It sounds like it was coming off as very smug, and she was bored and tired of hearing you talk about how much you enjoy and will achieve in your field. You wanted the table to be impressed with you and fawn over you, and instead you received a reaction indicating she thinks life has a lot in store. People you’ve just met don’t owe you a certain reaction, and I really don’t think this would affect you as much if you hadn’t been expecting collective praise. Naive when you’re in your twenties isn’t an insult – it’s just not the showering of compliments you wanted.
Anon
This is the impression I got.
I ruefully remember going on and on about myself with my parents’ friends when I was 20 something and so excited about my new career. I am sure I didn’t ask them a thing about themselves!! It’s embarrassing to me now. OP, don’t be me!
Anon
Haha exactly! I’m sure these women have a lot of amazing things to share about life – it may be worth it next time to ask them about it.
Anonie
Good gracious.
Anon
Any thoughts on the Dr. Bernard case?
Anonymous
Hi All, looking for some advice on a social dilemma. I am 95% sure my boss has (had?) a son, I met him and he had a male name. My boss only has one child, recently my boss has started refering to her daughter, I haven’t caught a name yet, just lots of ‘she’ ‘her’ ‘daughter’ etc. Normally I would take the stance that this is NOMB however my boss is hosting a get together and kiddo will be there. Would it be weird to ask my boss if kiddo has a new name/is tr*ns? I definitely don’t want to call kiddo by old name, or perhaps I am just entirely confused, but I don’t think I was imagining the son for the past 5+ years.
Anonymous
Of course you don’t ask. Sigh. You can say something along the lines of —I am bring my partner, Trad and our kids Huey and Dewey. Please remind me of your kid’s name. Or wait to be re-introduced there. Or not re-introduced.
Anon
I’m not a fan of this kind of memory holing, but in any case, an easy way out is “remind me of your kid’s name before the get-together?”
Clementine
Agreed.
“I’m so sorry – I keep drawing a blank. What is your kid’s name?”
OP
I’m just worried my boss would see that question as a transparent lie since everyone on our team refers to their partners/kids by name and we all know them. I even know the name of my colleagues pets!
Anon
But…it’s not a lie. You don’t know the child’s current name. Right? If you know the current name, then what’s the issue? Just use the name and avoid pronouns if you’re not sure.
anon
Gently – do you really need to know this information to avoid some social offense (you’re going to be re-introduced at this party, that is the normal thing to do) or are you just curious and want to know?
anon
I wouldn’t ask your boss if the child has a new name. Once you’re at the event, maybe boss will introduce you and tell you the child’s name.
Senior Attorney
As somebody who has recently been in your boss’s situation, I wouldn’t at all mind you asking about it. It’s awkward because you don’t want to go up to everybody you know and just announce it, but as you’ve seen, just proceeding with the new name/pronoun can be confusing (and also risks people judging you for “memory holing,” which I was today years old when I learned what that was). (Me personally, I announced it on my Christmas card with my daughter’s approval, but I know that’s not everybody’s choice.)
I think coming right out with it — “did your daughter used to be your son?” — is fine, or “remind me of your kid’s name,” or whatever feels comfortable. Or you can just wait until you get there and figure it out when the person is in front of you, which is probably what I would do.
Clementine
First, congrats and lots of love to both of you!
Second, as someone who literally ran into someone from grad school and deadnamed them in an elevator yesterday (face palm), I always am so appreciative of corrections and heads ups regarding new names. I want to make sure I’m respecting someone and would hate for lack of current knowledge to be the reason I brought someone’s day down.
OP
I had no idea it was considered rude to remember details of people’s lives, so I guess I’m glad I asked.
Anon
I was actually wondering if SA was OP’s boss!
Anon
Me too! We know she likes to throw parties :)
Anon
It doesn’t sound like you tried to memory hole it anyway – you made an announcement and acknowledged the change. The memory hole thing is more for the hardcore types who destroy old photos and gaslight people (“no, she was always my daughter.”) Yes, I’ve seen this happen – more than once. Other people’s history and memories matter too.
Anon
Omg I didn’t know what that was but I live in a very liberal city and my kids are early 20s.. and yeah. This is a thing.
Anon
SA, I noticed the gender switch in your posts recently and wondered if you had an impersonator who was getting some details wrong. I’ve been reading this site for 10+ years and was pretty sure I remembered a son. Thanks for your clarification, since I kind of feel like we “know you” here. Cool!
anon
To the last sentence – OP, I would suggest thinking a bit about how realistic a concern this is and to what extent you’re just feeling anxiety about meeting a person who might be tr*ns or in the process of tr*nsitioning and not wanting to screw something up. There really, truly isn’t any advance prep required for this situation – it is ultimately going to solve yourself when kiddo is in front of you, you hold out your hand and say “I’m Anonymous” and kiddo says “I’m _________.”.
Senior Attorney
I think that’s right. You are obviously a person of good will and that’s the important thing!
Anon
If the child is there won’t you be introduced? “Hi this is my child ___” and then you can just use the name? I wouldn’t worry too much about it in advance.
anon
I suggest you take the trans piece out of it and think about it this way: if you just couldn’t remember the kid’s name or weren’t sure if you had it right (is it Laura? Lauren? Laurie?), how would you handle this?
In normal social interaction, even if people talk about their kids at work, when co-workers encounter their children in a social setting, the parent says “Anonymous, this is my daughter __________” or “[KID’S NAME], you remember Anonymous!” It’s the same with spouses – I know all my co-workers’ spouses names, but I’ve only met them once or twice; in that situation there is always a re-introduction with the name.
I think this problem, to the extent it is one, is going to solve itself, but if you are too nervous to go to this party without confirming in advance the kid’s name, then just handle as you would in any other circumstance where you weren’t sure about it. That being said, if people in your office talk about their families as much as you’re suggesting they do, then surely boss is going to use the kid’s name between now and then?