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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve gone on the record as being very much in favor of animal prints for the office, but if you’re looking to do it in a less obvious way, this sheath dress from Brooks Brothers will be right up your alley. (I hesitate to call it a leopard print because I’ve never seen a blue leopard. Maybe “leopard-inspired?”)
I would pair this with a navy blazer for a more fun look for a formal office. You could also layer it over a white oxford for a more casual look.
The dress is $228 at Brooks Brothers and comes in sizes 0–16.
Like this leopard/blue combo but prefer a lower price point? Here are a few fun choices: this DvF skirt (0–12, on sale for $99.95), this top from Whistles (0–16, on sale for $90), this ASOS blouse (12–24, $46), and this skirt from Ann Taylor (regular and petite, on sale for $59.80 with an extra 20% off).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Cb
Spent the am on tenterhooks after my MIL requested a lunchtime call with my husband. Serious illness? Financial ruin?
Nope, just harmless but highly entertaining family gossip. Who calls people in 2023? This is what Whatsapp is for!
Anon
My MIL knows what a phone is. And somehow has become disconnected from her AOL account. At least she isn’t sending telegrams.
Cb
“Guess what? S and L are getting married AGAIN! WTF!” would be delightful as a telegram though.
AnonSatOfc
Guess what STOP S&L are getting married AGAIN STOP… LOL
Curious
I am HERE for this telegram service.
Cora
Okay a headsup that it wasn’t anything serious would have been good but also family gossip is excellent, I’d be there for that.
Anon
My mom calls me a lot (and vice versa) to discuss family gossip. We love family gossip.
Anon
I woke up to 45 one or two word texts. I can tell she is asking me to do something but I have absolutely no idea what it is or even what it involves.
Curious
45?!?!!
Anon
There was a good McSweeneys article on this recently: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-urgently-your-mom-needs-to-talk-to-you-based-on-what-she-said-in-the-voicemail
anon
OK, I’m literally LOLing at my desk. This is spot-on accurate.
Senior Attorney
Heh that was my late mom!
I have a deal with my daughter that if I just am calling to chat for no reason, I hang up without leaving a voicemail. And if I really need to talk, I’ll send a text: “Hey, call me when you get a chance — need to talk about XYZ thing.”
Anonymous
I call people. I don’t know what a whatsapp is, and I even have a *gasp* landline.
I text a grand total of 3 people, everyone else gets a phone call.
Even in 2023 it happens, lol
Anon
Thank you! Texting doesn’t replace the phone for all things.
Anon
Sure, call me outside of working hours but if I get a phone call midday with no context I assume it’s an emergency. Why else would you call someone in the middle of their workday?
Anonymous
I never call anyone in the middle of their workday, I’m not sure where you got that idea?
As well, OP said “lunchtime call”. That doesn’t automatically mean “at work”, even on a Tuesday.
Trish
I talk to my friend everyday. We have cases together and we gossip. I don’t understand the hate for conversations. You have time to be on here during your work day.
Anon
How old are you?
Anonymous
I’m 47.
I will add that I’ve always been out of touch when it comes to apps and social media, and have always been a phone call person. To me it is more of a human connection than texting.
sfchic
I agree.
I mean, texting is very convenient for simple timely communications. But I feel that it is very inefficient, option to misinterpretation, and cold for maintaining friendships/family. I learned how to talk on the phone as a child, and didn’t grow up with cell phones only, so it is comfortable.
Anon
I call a lot of people too. It’s a lot more satisfying having a real conversation, even just for a few minutes. And my parents and in-laws are in their late 70s/80s and while they know how to text, they call too. It’s weird to me to only text. And I say that as someone who also texts a long list of friends, but it’s just not the same.
Anonymous
It really isn’t the same. Sometimes I will text “call me” or even “are you busy, can i pop over?” because it is easier to say whatever over the phone or in person than through text.
Cat
Who calls people??
We talk to our parents frequently via regular old cell phone call… some things just aren’t for text / Whatsapp…
Anon
+1 my parents moved to my city in 2021 but before that I talked to them on the phone regularly. I don’t get the fear of the phone some people here seem to have.
Anon
+1
Especially gossip! Gossip is best shared via phone.
Anon
This right hear.
Also, human contact, if live, is just not the same in any other medium.
anon
Oh yeah. Gossip, especially family gossip, is much more satisfying this way.
Also, my parents will read texts but don’t respond.
Curious
My husband and I both call our parents almost daily, but a scheduled call would freak us out, lol.
texasanon
same. Mine’s closer to 3x a week each but they scheduled a call with no hints about what it was about I would be in a full on anxiety attack by the time it happened.
NYCer
Yeah, I definitely call my family and closest friends on a regular basis. I do think it is somewhat odd that she scheduled a time to chat, but absent that, gossip is great over the phone!
Anonymous
The phone rules. Especially for gossip.
Anonymous
Who calls people? Me. Relationships don’t only happen through text.
Anon
That sounds lovely, actually. Who here couldn’t do with some real conversations that are harmless but entertaining? I’m sick of texting.
Anon
I’m a millennial, but don’t get this attitude. Text me to make plans, sure. But I don’t want to have a true conversation over text, that’s just annoying. It takes so long, tone doesn’t come through, and I end up not saying nearly as much as a result
I do generally only talk to family and long-distance friends on the phone cause I save everything for my local friends to discuss in person
anon
I was reminded by how text doesn’t always convey tone very well this weekend. Some friends and I were chatting about Mother’s Day, it was later in the afternoon, and I just said how much I was looking forward to some quiet time while my DH took the kids to a movie. One of my friends interpreted that as me having a horrible Mother’s Day and that my DH was being unsupportive. That was NOT the case at all; I’d had a great day! And I was looking forward to having a little bit of alone time, too. Then I just ended up feeling bad and guilty, like I was a crap mom for cherishing 2 hours to myself on the holiday.
Wildkitten
In your defense – that’s a weird interpretation by your friend and sounds like every mother’s ideal mothers’ day. Even better if he took your kids to the movies, you got to take a nap, and meanwhile your house was cleaned and meals prepped. The dream.
Anon
My husband was like “are you sure it’s ok that the kids and I run this errand? I hate to leave you alone on Mother’s Day.”
HAHAHA
Anonymous
People who like their friends and families and understand that getting to hear the voices of people you love is a pleasure and joy to be treasured.
Anonymous
I am middle Gen X and use the phone all the time for personal and work reasons. I wouldn’t be with my Millennial BF but for his affinity for long phone calls. It just would have never gone anywhere if we’d only ever used text. And some of our hours-long overnight calls have been as satisfying as in-person dates. You should all try it.
Senior Attorney
I agree that the phone is better for that kind of thing. I just set up a set time to talk to my daughter every week because we have been having a hard time getting our schedules together on an ad hoc basis. So far (week one) it’s great!
Anon
I have a 22 year old daughter. When I get tired of texting I just ask her to call me. She thinks she’s in trouble. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t matter if I literally text “I’m tired of texting, just call me”. She calls me slightly panicked.
An actual phone call is the modern day equivalent of calling your kid all three of their names.
Anonymous
My 16-year-old calls me if I don’t answer her texts immediately.
Anon
If my spouse judged my mom for wanting to talk to me, I’d be irritated. You have a specific way of communicating and expect others to have the same? Weird.
Jules
My 28-y-old calls me All The Time. We have plenty of texts, sure, but I probably talk to them at least three days a week (excluding calls about logistics for things such as my all-too-frequenting dogsitting).
Anonymous
I have a random hair question. After many years of having longer hair, I cut my hair shoulder length recently. I have semi wavy-poofy hair that does not have any coarseness to it and is very thick. I blow dry and straighten it regularly. Since getting it cut, I constantly have a “dent” in the back near the base of my skull. No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of it. I’ve tried different blow dry techniques, the Revlon one-step and straightening. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. There will be no “dent” for the first ~30 minutes, and then it returns. I did not have this problem when my hair was longer. Let me know if anyone has any tips.
Anon
It’s probably not a dent like you’d get from a hair tie, but rather your natural wave pattern there. I’d take extra time to dry and style the area the opposite direction of the dent. There may not be much you can do – without the weight to straighten out that wave, it might just be strong enough to overpower styling.
Anon
Maybe try and straightener spray. Garnier makes an inexpensive effective one. I have a slight wave and find that when I use the spray before blow drying my hair or using a hair straightener, it really does a good job of eliminating wave without needing hairspray.
Anonymous
Most people with straight hair have this problem. It takes Herculean efforts and a lot of products to counteract it, which I’m just not doing on a daily basis. A half up half down style makes it less noticeable.
Anonymous
You didn’t notice it before because the length added weight.
I have straight hair and have kept it short for a number of years. I have one bit of hair on the side of my face that flips out (and always has, it can be seen in toddler pics) and some at the back that also flips up. It is only noticable when my hair is short.
My best tip is to just accept that that is how your hair naturally behaves and try to work with it.
Anon
The ends of my hair have always wanted to flip up. I’ve learned to be fine with this. It’s cute!
aBr
Next time, have your hair dresser cut it dry after you’ve styled it, not them. They can play with the layers to minimize the dent you are talking about.
Anon
There was a post yesterday on the mom’s board where it seemed that everyone cooked dinner each night and sat down around a table to eat. On a board of busy working moms of young kids. IDK that only varsity level moms were posting or people have the means to get a lot of meal kits or that is just how it is. I grew up much poorer with working parents and we are a lot of leftovers and fast food. I think my brother and I are good adults who can actually cook (but cooking is often weekend cooking aimed at producing leftovers to tide me though a few weekdays or lunches). As an adult, working a big job, by the time I got home, if I had eaten a full meal, I likely would have been too full to sleep, so nothing wrong with cheese and crackers for a good snacky supper. How do you all, especially parents, actually roll?
Cb
We have dinner together every night when I’m in the country. We tend to work til 5 and have a 7:15 bedtime for kiddo. We had a year where we were reliant on Guosto meal kits but have reverted to proper cooking. I don’t love freezer meals and we tend to reserve leftovers for lunch.
1. 2 mostly WFH jobs – If I’m not travelling, I’m home, my husband goes in 1 day a week. 1 kid with minimal weekday activities, but honestly most activities in our area are from 4-5 rather than later.
2. One of us does the aftercare pickup (35 minutes roundtrip on our bikes), the other starts chopping if necessary.
3. Fairly simple but still nice meals – daal and rice, sushi bowls, stirfry, pasta, or veggie burgers and fries. If we’re tired or in a rush, we have scrambled eggs. On Fridays, we have homemade pizza.
4. Use of appliances – instantpot for grains, breadmaker for pizza dough/bread.
Anon
I don’t think eating together as a family and eating a an expensive, involved meal are the same thing. I’m one of the people who said on the moms page that my family eats dinner together every night but we eat a lot of simple meals that are budget-friendly. Lots of pasta. Meal kits strike me as way too fancy and involved, at least the ones I’ve heard about.
anon
Same here. I commented that we are eating family meals together. They are simple, and yes, we do cook, but nothing that involved on weeknights. We tried meal kits and didn’t really like the experience; we can do it faster on our own. Here’s a sample of what we’re eating this week. It’s basic. But it gets the job done.
M: Chicken thighs with veggies and refrigerator biscuits
T: Taco Tuesday
W: Grilled meat and veggies
Th: Leftovers and sandwiches (too many activities to accommodate)
F: Pizza (this is every Friday, btw)
Curious
We do this, meal kits 3 nights a week, all with <40 min prep time, and some prepared meals (so $$ thrown at the problem for sure). Toddler colors while I cook and then if we have to, we get back online after bedtime.
Curious
Oh, and yes, Friday night is pizza night.
anon
And last week, which was a s h i t s h o w, it was even simpler. Pasta one night, leftovers the next, salads with pre-made grilled chicken the one night we were home, eggs and toast another night, then pizza on Friday.
Anon
Oh yeah, Anon at 10:25 – we definitely have had weeks where dinner each night was whatever we threw together out of what we found in the fridge, vs. a carefully thought-out balanced meal cooked from scratch for every meal. The latter is almost panic-inducing for me; I like cooking to a point but having to come up with a different from-scratch cooked meal every single night for months on end seems terrifying. IMO, the act of eating it together makes the difference, not necessarily what the dinner is.
Anon
When my kids were school aged we sat down to dinner almost every night. We full on cooked a meal probably 3-4 times a week, leftovers the other night. Weekends involved a lot of meal prep like chopping. The full on meals were easy peasy, stir fries, sheet pan dinners, one pot meals, etc. DH and I also had a list of 5 ingredient meals in our cars so we could hit the speed line in the grocery and still get dinner on the table without a lot of pre-thought.
Leatty
We try to sit down with the kids (2 and 5) for most meals, but we aren’t all eating the same thing. Kids are super picky, so they get kid food. DH and I cook once a week, so sometimes we eat that (or leftovers) or a sandwich. As the kids get older, we will have to figure something else out. It’s really hard though – we pick up the kids from childcare at 6:15 and put them to bed at 7:30, so it doesn’t leave us much time.
Anon
+1. Kids eat kid food like chicken nuggets, Mac and cheese but I eat my meal with them.
Anonymous
Picky eaters are hard!
We had a sensory/food aversion kid and while I never made a different meal, I did make simple changes to their portion (like leaving sauce off or not mixing things together). In my case it was more that I just didn’t have the bandwidth left to make something different for everyone who wanted it… so no shade at anyone who does. Once kids were old enough to make things themselves they could refuse what I was making, although that didn’t happen very often because “how come you only buy ingredients!?”
Anon
We were told by our pediatrician, who grew up in India, not to make kids their own dinner but to make whatever we wanted to eat and maybe think about separating components or dialing down the spice so that if the kid wanted to eat just chicken and vegetables (or in our case, just the chicken and rice) from the stir fry, they’d have that option. He pointed out (and I thought this was a good point) that billions of people in India, China and other countries grow up eating what their parents eat with no accommodations made for “kid tastes” whatsoever, and those people are usually healthier and eat more varied diets than Americans. We tried to do this as much as we could but weren’t always completely successful (I have bought my share of dino nuggets and boxed Kraft Mac and Cheese, for sure).
Anon
From as soon as they were eating solids, the kids pretty much ate what we were eating.
Like you, we might not add a spicey sauce or something a kid would really hate, but we didn’t go far with our accommodations.
We also didn’t make meals that our kids hated. Randomly, my daughter liked other pasta but hated the texture of spaghetti so we did a lot of penne and meatballs. My son hated red meat so made Turkey meatballs / burgers instead of ones made with ground beef. On nights we did have steak, we made sure he liked all of the sides and could fill up on those. Other daughter didn’t like tomatoes, but they were easy to pick out of a salad.
That’s not to say my kids never ate Mac and cheese or nuggets or something, but those dinners were usually Saturday night with the babysitter meals, not family dinners. Or, Mac and cheese was a side dish for our family dinner.
Our kids were amazingly flexible eaters (the spaghetti and red meat thing were both pretty shortlived; my son is definitely a carnivore now!). I remember how people would be surprised that they’d eschew the kids menu in favor of something off the real menu.
Anon.
We do what Anon @11:52am does. If we make a stir fry, we take out the fried chicken and broccoli for kiddo before adding hot sauce.
We are not making meals for ourselves if there’s no ingredients for my kid, but I’m also not making a full separate meal. Over time, kid tries stuff and the need to separate ingredients diminishes.
Anon
I made my kids their own dinner for a long time, and they are not picky eaters at all.
Anonymous
This is how we fed our kid. She turned out to love all sorts of flavors and sauces but refuses all vegetables and many textures. There is really nothing you can do to prevent picky eating. If you think your parenting created an adventurous eater you are both lucky and mistaken.
MamaD
last night me and 3 kids had PB&J and hot dogs, side dish of chips, while husband did an errand. this was at 6:15 and I dragged the kids out for an evening errand before bedtime too because it was for them. not sure what you’re looking for. do what’s best for you and your family and reflects your family values and meets your goals
OOO
Blue Apron for DH and I, nuggets or Easy Mac for DS. I WFH and start making dinner at 4:30 so we can eat once DS comes home from preschool at around 5. Bedtime is 8 pm
Anonymous
I may be an outlier among the moms here, but we do not all eat dinner together. I WFH until 5:15 and then pick up my kid from daycare, come home, hang out with him and cook him dinner or serve a snack/cheese and fruit plate depending on how hungry he is and whether he had a big snack in the car. Then my husband comes home from work around 7, and we start the bed time routine. Then after our kid is in bed, my husband and I eat dinner together. I either cook something, or we order something, or we eat cheese and crackers too — all depending on what’s in the fridge, energy levels, and how hungry we are.
Anon
You are not alone. I have middle schoolers.
Anon
Just chiming in to say same. Pre-pandemic, my husband was often at the office until LATE, and my kids had early bedtimes. So I usually put together a pretty kid friendly, simple meal, and ate with the kids early, and then my husband usually ate his meal post-kid bedtime in front of the TV with me.
Post pandemic, he works from home a lot more often, but now our kids are older and at least 3 nights a week are dedicated to sports or activities. If we are all home and there are no activities, we sit down to eat a very simple meal together that we cook (a protein, a veggie and a salad, and a carb, that’s it). We focus on having the kids set the table and clean up – but this is 1, maybe 2 nights a week – Monday and Wednesdays right now.
Fridays are pizza nights, and Saturday my husband and I usually have date nights, so it’s a babysitter meal of pasta and frozen meatballs, usually. Sports or activity nights are either grab something out of a crock pot on your way to your sport, or (more frequently), we get a local delivery or pick up something simple that the kids will like on their way to practice.
I sometimes wish we cooked a big meal on Sundays, but honestly, neither my husband nor I actually enjoy cooking. We sometimes grill – but we both like to sit and read and relax. I’m a better mom when I have downtime or time to relax on the weekend, so I appreciate the things I am good at and don’t put a lot of pressure on myself to do something that stresses me out. /shrug/
Anon
Friday night IS pizza night.
Anon
If the post @ 10:10 is regarding grammar, either works in the sentence structure above, but if this post is a blog version of a fist bump that is reaffirming that Friday IS pizza night, then YES! Agreed! Friday IS pizza night! Woot!! I love pizza night!
Curious
*pizza dance*
Anon
Yes — I meant no shade. Friday night IS pizza night! Preach!
Anon
LOVE it @ Anon @ 10:25!! Pizza Dance for Life!!
Anonymous
For us, Thursday night is Pizza night (or other takeout). By Thursday, we’re tired from the work week, but Friday evening I find I get a burst of energy knowing its the weekend now. I use that to cook something a little fun.
Anon
Same, I like cooking on Friday nights when I know I have the whole weekend before me to rest. Thursday night is our takeout night. It’s also the only night my kid has a weeknight activity, so that’s a happy coincidence (although things will be different next school year).
Anon
Friday night is pizza night at my house too! I have a friend who had never heard of that, but then she started showing up Friday nights haha. (she was most welcome)
Anon
Yes, sit down together for dinner every night. Toddler eats what we do.
Meal plan and grocery shop on the weekend. Hubby cooks 3-4 meals (at least one on the weekend), 2-3 leftover nights and takeout one night a week.
It’s important to us for a lot of reasons (family connection, nutrition, prayer, table manners) so we make it happen. Mornings are crazy getting everyone ready.
Mrs. Jones
We 3 (DH and 12 y/o kid) eat dinner together almost every night unless there’s a conflict like a meeting or sports practice or the like. We order Green Chef meals about every other week.
Anonymous
I don’t know, eating dinner together is important to us and I had the whole pandemic to practice so it’s kind of on autopilot for now. I have a list of ten dinners I can make in 30 minutes and I try to keep supplies for those in the pantry/freezer. My kids don’t always eat what I make. Two days a week I’m in the office until dinner time and on those days we eat leftovers or DH cooks. Monday and Wednesday I put something in the crock pot. Fridays we get pizza. Saturdays we get takeout or grill burgers or DH makes steak (my toddlers live for some steak). Sunday nights we eat chicken nuggets or something frozen. I’m not opposed to Mac n cheese but my kids will only eat it once a week. They don’t love fast food and we have some food allergies so sometimes it’s just easier to cook at home. We don’t do many activities though so we’re almost always home at dinner. I don’t do meal kits because I have 3 boys and honestly haven’t found a meal kit that’s enough food for all of us. I certainly don’t judge families who eat out every night: every family is different. I’m sure in 5 years my family won’t eat dinner together as often as we do now.
Anne-on
I was fully a crackers/cheese for dinner person until my kid was around 2ish. At that age you realize that purees/finger foods aren’t enough for them and they need more of an ‘adult’ dinner. Once he was in pre-k we made a real effort to have one parent home for dinner every night (vs. kiddo eating with the au pair) and now we probably all eat dinner together about ~4 nights a week (Friday/Saturday/Sunday plus one weeknight depending on activities and work schedules). The other 3 nights are still homecooked but something like leftovers, breakfast for dinner, or a quick pasta type dish. Frankly we only really got into the habit of family dinner because we had au pairs and you need to feed them dinner. None of the teenagers were very good cooks so on weeknights I’d usually make dinner while my husband was driving home, and the au pair would handle laundry/play with kiddo/etc. and then after dinner they were ‘off’ while my husband took over for bath and bed.
You’re right in that it has been something I’ve (and my husband) have set limits around with work. I try very hard to have a hard stop at 5 (either to do daycare pickup or to cook). Does it mean I need to log back on at night? Probably, but that’s not uncommon with most working parents I know.
Anonymous
Yes, even on my busiest days, I take a break to have dinner with my family. I try to do lunch with them a couple times a week too. But I am lucky to work from home and my husband is a stay at home dad, so we can make it work. We are about 40/60 on who makes dinner. I like to cook, but I’m busier, so I do a little bit less.
Anon
I dunno why you’re making this about poor vs rich. The lower middle class families I know all sit down for dinner together every night. It’s the wealthy dual Big Job families that are more likely to have adults eat separately from kids. This is not meant to be a judgment on anyone, I just think the correlation between wealth and eating as a family is the exact opposite of what you think it is.
Anon
I think poor but mom works means leftovers help you stretch your food dollars and you can’t really always get to-do food. I am a bougie working mom but my family often doesn’t have jobs where you can WFH while the chicken is roasting in the oven. Maybe on Sunday but then you just warm the leftovers and add rice on Monday.
Anonymous
Same. I always wonder when people say things like “poor people can only afford fast food.” Dinner at McDonald’s for three people costs more than cooking a full meal that produces leftovers. I grew up on the margins of being poor and fast food was a luxury. We had to order off the dollar menu or split a larger burger and fries between two people and didn’t get a soda.
anon
To this day, as an adult, I get so much joy in an order of large fries all to myself – just on principal of not having to share. I also get too much joy out of actually being able to buy things at the concession stand.
Anonymous
Same! My husband grew up rich and does not understand the delight it gives me to be able to buy snacks and souvenirs.
Anonymous
Based on the writing style I think you are the OP on that thread. I am far from a varsity-level mom, but I prioritize family dinner because it is so important to my family’s health and happiness. I have one teenager who eats processed garbage for school lunch and does a lot of activities. I have a “big” job in terms of stress and travel but with relatively normal hours; I also have a lot of meetings for my volunteer work in the evenings. I cook simple meals, either a one-dish meal that includes protein and vegetables or a main dish with a side of salad or veg. It usually takes me 30-45 minutes to get dinner on the table. The time varies based on when people get home and need to leave for evening engagements. On the rare weeks where I don’t get it together and we eat a lot of takeout or snacky stuff, we are all dragging and miserable by the end of the week. No judgment if you want to prioritize differently, but takeout and cheese and crackers just don’t work for us.
Anon
I could have written this post; will also add in that as my kid became a pre-teen and then became a multi-sport athlete, I could not have kept feeding him pre-packaged food or cheese and crackers or whatever. He wouldn’t have had the energy level he needed to grow and participate in sports and go to school and succeed, etc. As it is, at 17 he comes home from school after eating either a packed lunch or lunch at school and eats two bowls of cereal or makes a quesadilla or something, and then eats a full dinner, and then usually has a protein bar before bed. Active kids need a lot of nutrition and I feel the nutrition should be high-quality.
Soapbox time: people in the U.S. eat so much processed junk and takeout/restaurant/fast food, and then everyone’s like “why is everyone so overweight? Why do we have so many people with heart disease and type II diabetes at young ages?” It’s what we eat, people. What you put in your body matters, and it starts when we’re kids. We tried to help our kid develop tastes for fruit, vegetables, lean meats, low-fat dairy etc. because that’s how he’ll need to eat his whole life to be a healthy person.
Anon
+100
It’s always been a balance of nutrition vs convenience, but even when I favor convenience, I still make it as healthy as possible.
When I was childfree, I tracked my macros and was very focused on nutrition. That’s now less important to me now that I have 300 more things on my plate, but it’s important to me that we sit down as a family to eat healthy meals (lean protein, 2 servings of veggies, a whole grain carb).
Even on Friday pizza night, I make sure we add a salad to share to the order. I encourage us to order pizza with meat on it for protein (even though ultra processed meat is awful for you, but balance).
We certainly have pizza / take out / restaurant food (I love, love, love going out to eat), dessert, frozen foods for convenience but in moderation and balanced with an otherwise healthy diet.
I still run half marathons, my kids play sports, my husband plays in basketball leagues, we need to have healthy options! And, I don’t want to set myself or my family up for diet induced health issues in the future!
Anotheranon
Why do you think low-fat dairy is healthy?
Anon
Because it is? If this is about either veganism or eating full-fat dairy, how about you do you and I’ll do me, and leave it at that.
Anon
I eat full fat dairy personally.
Anotheranon
It was a genuine question but your defensiveness is very interesting.
Anon
LMAO. Go try to pick a fight somewhere else, Anon at 3:48. Believe me, after reading here for years the tactics some of you use when you’re trying to goad someone into a fight so you can be mean or vent your feelings are VERY obvious. Nice try; better luck next time
Another Anon
You are a strangely angry person.
Anonymous
We have dinner together every night. I’m currently WFH in my pyjamas because I didn’t manage to get myself dressed and out the door after I got the kids to school so definitely not varsity level over here. We have dietary issues to manage – oldest kid has severe allergies and I have milder allergies (to different things than kid) so we don’t do meal kits.
Part of it is priority. As a family, you can’t prioritize everything – this is one of our things. It’s something I grew up with and it’s culturally important to DH (he’s European) so we make it a priority. Our house is probably a bit more disorganized – goodness knows the garage needs to be gutted. The other part is logistics management – for us the priority is eating together, what we eat is secondary. Most nights we go around and each say our best thing and hardest thing. It’s our main moment of connection in our family. We don’t all eat breakfast seated together.
The way it works for us is meal planning. Not meal PREP. I have no time to prep stuff as our weekends are busy. We have a two week plan of meals and set responsibility for cooking. DH and I change the plan seasonally and sometimes we find new surprises by accident like last night the grocery store was all out of our ‘go to’ samosas so DH grabbed Jamaican beef patties and they were a hit even though I thought they’d be way too spicy for the kids.
We have a spreadsheet on the fridge that has our work schedules, all the kids activities, which parent is responsible for cooking/what they are cooking and which kid is in charge of helping. Cooking parent is responsible for making sure that ingredients are in the house.
For example, DH makes tacos every Tuesday. I just pick oldest kid up from swimming at 6:30, then we eat at 6:45pm. Last night it was my turn to cook, we ate at 5:45pm because we had a 5:45pm- 6:20pm window between oldest kid and younger kids activities.
We stock staples from Costco like chicken (separated into one meal size packages and frozen), stewing beef, canned tomatoes, rice, dried pasta, ground beef, chicken fingers, frozen broccoli etc so if we do have to stop at the neighborhood grocery store we are just running in to grab fresh fruit or veg or milk usually.
We rotate seasonally and nothing we make takes more than 20 – 30 minutes to cook. Common meals for DH are – chili, tacos, homemade meatballs with salad and roast potatoes, pad thai, pasta with mussels, Mine are sheet pan roast chicken with potatoes and broccoli and carrots, pasta with tomato sauce, chicken fingers with rice, salad and a variety of dips, homemade soup (Martha Stewart recipe), quiche with hashbrowns and salad. We aim for two veggies and one protein at each meal and fish once a week. Saturday night is pizza night and we do homemade pizza that we all make together with whatever kids are not out at sleepovers. Friday night is take out. that means I cook 2 nights in one week and DH cooks 3 nights, then the next week I cook 3 nights and DH cooks 2 nights. We meet weekly to adjust any schedule modifications if we have work travel.
Do whatever works for your family. I like our tradition and the kids seem to like it as well because they will complain if we don’t eat together for some reason (school play last week messed up the usual schedule). I had to sit down and explain the timeline and why we couldn’t eat together on Wednesday and Thursday because the younger kids were mad about not eating together.
Anon
As a young, single person I would meal prep breakfast and lunch (which was my main meal) and usually do a snacky dinner. Breakfast was usually a quiche with lots of veggies, lunch was a substantial grain bowl with brown rice, chicken, veggies, and toppings. Dinner was usually very basic: a quick egg sandwich, a bowl of oatmeal + fruit, PB toast + fruit. Making basic pasta was a big night. I had a “big job” for 2 years of my single 20s, but otherwise had jobs when I was done by 5. I would then usually go to happy hour or some sort of activity (kickball, art class, trivia) and wouldn’t get home until later, which is why my dinners were so basic.
Now with kids (older elementary), we have alternate hybrid schedules so most days someone is WFH and can do basic prep throughout the day, if needed. We also both finish work by 5, so the entire family is home by 5:30. Kids take bus home and have a snack, do HW, and then play outside while we finish work. On days we both have to go into the office, usually a grandparent supervises this. We eat home cooked meals most nights, but they are also basic. We usually don’t make “meals” but just have components of protein, veggie, salad, grain.
Some of our go-to’s are:
– Grilled or baked chicken, grilled or roasted veggies, brown rice (microwave), and a salad from the bag. Or, swap the chicken for fish or steak.
– Tacos: ground turkey with taco seasoning, toppings (we count the diced tomatoes as a veggie here. Might get fancy and grill some peppers), tortillas (corn or whole wheat), salad from the bag.
– Stir fry with chicken / shrimp, veggies (usually a frozen stir fry mix), served over brown rice (microwave), bagged salad.
– Chickpea or whole wheat pasta, sauce (from the jar), meatballs (turkey or regular, frozen), bagged salad. Maybe a side of roasted veggies.
– Large salad with chicken: kale or spring mix, quinoa or brown rice, chicken, roasted veggies, chickpeas, cheese.
– Healthier takes on the casseroles, one pot meals, sheet pan meals, and skillet meals my mom made. So, my mom made “goulash” but I now do it with ground turkey, whole wheat macaroni, and more veggies than she did.
– Quiche + salad
– Lots of hearty soups, stews, chili during the winter.
– We occasionally keep it simple and do my old standbys: breakfast for dinner: eggs, breakfast sandwiches, or pancakes. cold cut sandwiches, etc.
– Friday is pizza night. We occasionally get takeout another night, usually if we have something and we’ll stop and grab hoagies on our way home.
We don’t do separate kid and adult meals. Once the kids have tried everything offered, if they really don’t like it, they can do a yogurt or PB&J with carrot sticks or something, but that’s rare. Our kids aren’t very picky and we make pretty basic food, so it’s not much of an issue. Kids drink a glass of milk with dinner.
It’s not glamorous, nor is it always what I’d prefer to eat, but it gets the job done. Dinner is on the table by 6 most nights, we eat 6-6:30, everyone helps clean up for about 10 minutes.
We aim for 4 nights a week of family dinner, which doesn’t always happen. Depending on the season, there might be a weeknight where we can’t do family dinner due to activities. Luckily, right now their baseball practice is 5:30-6:30 on Tuesday, so we do a hearty snack before practice and eat right when they get home. Summer swim team starts in about a month, which has morning practices but Wednesday night meets so we won’t eat together on Wednesday (but we’ll all be at the pool together. We usually do a hearty snack before and then pack dinner, but kids will eat with their friends).
Friday nights and Saturday nights we are sometimes together, sometimes we have plans (we have either social plans with friends or a date night once a weekend), sometimes the kids have plans. If we are all home on a Friday night, we have family movie night. Sundays are always family dinner night, but about half of the time one (or both!) sets of parents will join. During football season, we usually eat during halftime of the 4PM game.
Anon
Your meals look like our meals (when we don’t do meal kits). We got a lot of mileage out of stir fry (Trader Joes makes great frozen stir fry veggies and has pre chopped fresh ones for not crazy money), salads with protein, pasta and Gardein with fresh mozzarella.
GCA
I have two kids. 8 and 5. Both DH and I work full time. Frankly it’s easier to cook a big pot of spaghetti & meatballs and steam some broccoli than to scrounge up individual sandwiches, cheese and crackers, cut up apples and add PB for everyone. These are not fancy dinners we’re talking about. The meatballs are frozen, from a bag. The sauce is jarred. A pound of spaghetti produces leftovers for another day or two. So that is what I mean by ‘cooking dinner each night’.
anonshmanon
When I was a kid, we’d regularly have a smorgasbord dinner around the kitchen table. Basically get bread and toppings out, and everyone makes their own sandwich at the table. No cooking.
Anonymous
The thing is, lots of busy working moms actually roll like that. Even ones that aren’t varsity level. We grew up poor and my mother had to cook most nights because we couldn’t afford fast food. The nights she didn’t cook we ate leftovers or cereal or pb sandwiches. We also sat at the table every night.
For my own family, when kids were younger we made cooking and eating at the table a priority. As they got older and got more involved in evening activities we didn’t eat at the table as often.
Anon
We are upper-middle-class and I don’t feel like we can afford to eat out – even fast food – every night. Or, maybe we could technically afford it but when one meal at a fast-casual restaurant can be $50 for three people, I would rather see that money go toward many, many other things. The last time we went to our favorite local sit-down restaurant, it cost us $85 for three people. I can cook a pretty nice meal at home for about $5-7 per person. Much more financially sensible over the long run to cook and eat at home, not to mention, it’s far healthier, because we don’t use the same amount of fat, salt and sugar that even from-scratch restaurants use in their food.
anon
Agree. Even inexpensive dining options really aren’t, anymore.
Anonymous
Yeah, we’re also in the position of technically being able to afford fast food, and do occasionally, but it is such a waste really when you think about what that same amount of money could buy at the grocery store. Especially when ingredients are better for you anyway.
Anon
I think this depends on where you live. We don’t do fast food often but when we go to McD’s it’s less than $20 for our family of 3. A large pizza that feeds all of us with some leftovers is $14. There are lots of restaurants in our town where we can have a sit down meal for less than $50 including tax and tip. Our go-to Indian delivery order is $30 and DH and I get 2-3 meals out of it each, so it’s like $5-7 per person per meal.
We limit takeout and fast food for health reasons. It can be cheaper than buying groceries, especially lately.
crash
You are lucky. Your area is not typical.
I just bought a small pizza for one at my cheap not great neighborhood place and that was over $14 plus more for tip. I just went out to a cheaper Indian place Eggholic with a friend for dinner and it cost over $60. Yes we had some leftovers, but this was a paper plate and plastic forks place where you order at the register! I almost had a heart attack. I almost never go out to eat anymore. Shoot a large fries alone at McD in my suburb is over $4. Yes, I know your family all share one small fry, but at some point, life just isn’t worth living.
It is very expensive to eat out in most areas now.
Anon
I do live in a very LCOL area. The thing is though, groceries have gotten insanely expensive here. We regularly spend $300/week for a family of 3, and we’re not buying much steak or seafood (although my husband and kid do eat a lot of fresh fruit). Grocery prices have doubled easily from pre-pandemic, but restaurant prices have gone up by maybe 10-20% here. I’m a little confused about why restaurant inflation seems so much less than grocery inflation. It feels like they should be closely correlated?
Anon
+1 eating out / take out is expensive and usually less healthy. Order out less often and really enjoy it, rather than throw money at a meh at best meal.
We do Friday pizza + game night as a tradition. Go out as a family to eat 1-2x a month, and go out as a couple or with friends once a week. Otherwise, we’re eating at home.
Anon
The value of a meal kit is that the ingredients are pre-portioned and it reduces the mental load. T, W, Th dinners are taken care of and do not require a tremendous amount of effort or thought.
Anon
I’m 2 under 3 and grandparents live with us half the week and they cook dinner for us. DH has an intense job but manages to come home by dinner so all of us eat together as a family in the evenings. DH is responsible for cooking breakfast every morning, which we eat together. When grandparents aren’t around we eat very very simply: burgers, curry, sandwiches, tacos, one bowl meals, etc. but even then the prep and cleanup is not easy. I was a big cook before kids but can’t keep it up in this stage of life.
Anonymous
– First, the board skews to young kids. Easier to eat together when you had to take kiddo to sports all, wait for them, and drive them home.
– Second, we cook giant meals on weekends so that we have leftovers during the week. This makes me sad that I never have leftovers for breakfast or lunch anymore, but oh well.
– We are in the thick of spring sports, so sometimes dinner is late (for us,late is 7:30). We could never have done that when the kids were younger.
– At times, my husband was in manufacturing, so left at 5am and got home early. That made dinner easier.
– I don’t expect our dinners together to last to or through high school, but it’s elementary now and it works. And finally, it’s still a circus. One kid hated dinner last night and made it truly unpleasant for all. It happens.
ANON
we sit down together to eat every night. at least 3 nights it’s a homecooked meal. but it’s easy – like a roast chicken which you just throw in the oven with some steam veg and rice. or like pasta and jarred sauce and a stove top cooked protein, etc. takes like 30 mins of actual cooking
Anon
I find it kind of refreshing that so many people have family meals – like an F you to hustle culture. When you have small kids you have to feed them dinner anyway (and sometimes huge dinners!) so the only difference is whether parents sit and partake at the same time. I have three young boys and meals are generally simple during the week – a protein, a side veg, some potatoes or rice – or we eat leftovers from the weekend. On Friday nights we feed the kids pizza and then my husband and I eat after in front of the TV as a little “special treat” but other than that we eat together almost every night, barring late work schedules or kids melting down and needing food immediately.
Curious
I guess this is a good point. We need to feed her anyway! So might as well sit down and enjoy.
Anonymous
I am simply too lazy to make, serve, and clean up separate adult and kid dinners! We all eat a version of the same thing at the same time.
Anon
We feed our son two dinners: the “home from daycare” dinner because he’s hangry and the “real adult dinner” around 7 pm.
This helps if you know that he’s 3, inherited my family’s lightning fast metabolism, I’m in the 95th percentile for height, and my husband is in the 99th percentile for height.
Anon
I’ve been thinking about this too. There were some threads here not that long ago where there were a couple of posters saying things like “sometimes dinner is a grilled cheese sandwich and fruit and that has to be OK on a rough day.” I’m wondering why anyone would perceive that as not OK on any day? I don’t see any way that I would be able to have family dinners if they weren’t very basic and friendly for kids. As long as there is some fruit or a vegetable, what’s the problem? Similar things that sound perfectly fine to me would be cereal with fruit or some other kind of sandwich or a big cheese plate.
Anon
I think that there is a lot of mental pressure, perhaps internalized, for working women with kids to also be 1950s housewives. Like if you sat down to dinner (or br3astfed your baby) you won’t be wrecking your kids because you did the thing our grandmothers did (or you thought they did).
And I don’t have balanced meals all the time. I have balanced days and balanced weeks but sometimes a meal is just some food to fend off the hunger. Honey Nut Cheerios + bacon.
Anon
+1. I’m the mom above who will readily and fully admit that neither my husband nor I enjoy cooking. We have several meals on auto-pilot and lots of super easy options, but a lot of times, we will just lean into ordering something. We are lucky that there are lots of restaurants close to us that have good food. At this phase in our lives, time is our biggest scarcity – we both work big jobs, we have a whole pack of kids, and all of us are pretty active.
I feel no guilt about any of it, and try to chime in to these conversations frequently to say – sometimes, I literally just do not want to cook for 30 minutes after a busy day at work, and that is absolutely okay. My body needs to sit and my brain needs to rest, and if I am fussing in the kitchen, it will stress me out – and I will yell at my kids at bedtime. Instead, I can sit while my kids play, I can chat with them or throw a baseball with them outside, then feed them with minimal mess, and enjoy downtime with them at bedtime and a glass of wine with my husband – who also just wants to sit – after bedtime. Yes, it’s not as healthy as home cooking, and yes, their kitchen skills might be limited when they are adults – but they are smart, can learn if they want, and I’d rather them learn that you get to make your life work for what matters to you. My best friend loves to cook, and shows her family her love with big, amazing meals – great for her, not for me!
Anon
Right?!
I have no local family. I have no servants. I have no household employees who can shop and / or prep cook. The best help I’ve ever gotten is the restaurants in my neighborhood and the to-go section of the grocery store and you can pry their goods from my cold, dead hands.
Anon
I never ate dinner with my family growing up and I had no idea it was such a big thing for families! My mom was a SAHM and made dinner every night. My brother would need to eat as soon as he got home from school because he was always ravenous and often he would have a second dinner as well. I was a hugely picky eater so I would fix myself something like a grilled cheese after school. My dad would eat when he got home from work around 6:30. And my mom would eat somewhere in there.
Anon
Honestly, I don’t find it that hard? I have a “big job” but I’m in government and senior. Elementary aged kid goes to aftercare which closes at 6. I am in-office 5 days a week, I leave at 5, get kid at ~5:45, we walk in the door ~6. Husband then logs off work, we all put stuff away/wash hands/etc., then one of the adults (or both) make dinner. If one adult needs to quickly wrap something up for work or help kid with something, that happens while the other adult makes dinner. Kid does instrument practice, finishes any unfinished homework, or plays while dinner is being made. We eat together somewhere in the 6:45-7:15ish time range, then everyone cleans up together. Depending on the time, kid either plays, cleans up, or watches tv alone or with us until her shower time at 8:15. She’s in bed ~8:30, lights out 8:45. After dinner, adults either do small stuff around the house or pay bills, finish work, hang out with the kid, or relax until bedtime. Grocery shopping and meal planning happen on the weekend — if something goes awry then we get takeout or have leftovers or random stuff from the freezer, but the basic timeline is the same. Weeknight activities for kids are rare where we are — some kids with stay at home parents go to something during the week but it’s always during the hours that my kid is in aftercare. Once a week our kid has instrument lessons at 5:30, and my husband picks her up at 5 from aftercare on those day, and the rest of the routine stays basically the same.
As for leaving at 5 every day — since becoming a parent I’ve gotten more efficient, better at prioritizing, and better at saying no and setting realistic schedules. I know that’s not possible in many jobs where you are subject to client demands, but it’s definitely possible in my job and many others. Before kids I would work until 8 regularly but I didn’t get any more done than I do now. There’s definitely times when I need to respond to emails or calls after 5 or finish working on something in the evening, but they are the exception rather than the rule.
anon
+1. At this point, it’s just part of the routine. It was a lot harder when the kids were tiny and needed to be watched constantly, but it’s truly not a big deal anymore. DH and I rotate cooking duties depending on what we’re eating, who is picking kids up from activities, etc.
And yeah, I set pretty hard boundaries and work efficiently. I am home at a decent time, except on the rare occasion that I have an event or meeting that extends after 5:00. My boss is plenty happy with my productivity, so I’m not going to kill myself to be more available.
Anon
Oh and like many people above said — dinners are things like taco tuesday, sheet pan chicken with potatoes and veggies, pasta with sausage and broccoli rabe, roast salmon and a veg and mashed potatoes, stuff like that. Nothing that can’t be cooked in under 30 minutes, most things don’t really need recipes, certainly not complicated ones. Kid eats what the adults eat — she’s less picky than many kids but I also have never cooked a chicken nugget in the house (she has them only when we get takeout or eat out) and I don’t allow snacks or dessert if she didn’t eat dinner, so she knows that she can eat dinner or be hungry until breakfast. But we never make a meal that isn’t at least 50% things I know she likes, so if she won’t eat then she’s just not hungry. I don’t really know how much of this is her personality and how much is parenting, since this is my only experience.
Anon
It’s her personality/genetics.
Anon
That’s great that you don’t find it that hard, but it is still a choice that you are making with your time and energy. Not everyone wants to or can make that choice, and that is just fine.
anon
Of course! We’re just saying that it’s not impossible or varsity-level parenting if it’s something you DO care about. I really don’t care how other families are feeding themselves.
Anon
No one is judging anyone for not doing this, from what I’ve seen. It’s tremendously beneficial to our family but if it doesn’t work for OP’s family, then OP shouldn’t feel any pressure to do it.
Remember in SATC when Charlotte was ranting at Miranda on the phone and Miranda tells her “Charlotte, this is your stuff, this has nothing to do with me?” I feel like any guilt or judgement the OP is feeling is all about her stuff; it has nothing to do with the rest of us. She should do what feels right for her family, full stop.
Anon
Man, we all eat like senior citizens. There would be a riot if anyone had to wait until 6:45.
anon
I get as hangry as the kids! I want a proper meal around 6:00.
Anon
Eating at 6 with the kids kills me! I was an 8pm dinner person before kids!
Anon
Oh my goodness. I’m in bed by 9:30-10 and need at least 3 hours (ideally 4) between eating and going to bed. I didn’t eat at 8 pm even when I was single and in big law!
Anonymous
I don’t think I ever ate dinner before 7:30pm until we had kids. Even now we generally eat at 6:30 and they think my parents are old because they eat at 5:30.
Anon
Same! Although we have the defense of usually having dinner with my parents who are *actual* senior citizens. But yeah, dinner is normally on the table around 5:15-5:30. I think I could eat at 6 if I had to, but not later than that.
Anon
Same, I’m single with no kids and I need to eat at 5:30 at the latest lol.
Anon
I think schedules are just different in different areas. My kid has breakfast around 7 and school drop off is 8:15, so I don’t get to the office until around 9. I know in other areas school starts a lot earlier and kids are up earlier. No one I know in NYC works 8-4 because elementary school drop off is 8/8:15/8:30 depending on the school so offices tend to start no earlier than 9. In my office people arrive anywhere between 9 and 10 and leave between 5 and 7. I also don’t know anyone IRL who regularly eats dinner before 6:30.
Anon
School drop off here is 8:45 for elementary, but we still eat at 5:30. I work from home now but even pre-pandemic I rarely worked more than 9-5 in the office. If there was anything that didn’t fit into 8 hours I finished up at home.
Anonymous
It’s just culture, not based on schools. I lived in Washington DC and all offices I knew opened at 9. Now I leave on the other coast and all offices are starting at 8, despite schools starting at 8 or 8:30.
NYNY
For contrast, I cook dinner most nights and DH and I (no kids) eat together always. But dinner is never earlier than 8pm, and often later. I WFH 3 days/week, but even on those days, the time from when I finish work until 7:30-8ish is my time to handle all the other things in life – calling family, shopping, home projects, vegging on the couch. Cooking takes 30-45 minutes, and I like doing it. If I’m not feeling it, we order delivery or go out or have leftovers or eggs.
Celia
This is our approach too. I’m a partner in BigLaw and my husband hates to cook. We make it work because I WFH 2 days a week so can throw an easy dinner in the oven at 5:30, and on other days I leave the office at 5. Sometimes i commute home mid afternoon to avoid traffic and so i can just throw something in the oven and keep working til the kids get home at 6. (I’m an appellate lawyer so my job is mainly research and writing, which makes it a lot easier for me to do this!) All very easy, simple dinners that we eat with the 2 small kids – a protein, a carb, veggies, fruit for dessert, and If the kids eat some of everything they can have a little treat. We reserve takeout for when I have a work emergency, or when I have to miss dinner for a work event. For me it’s important to have that time where we are all together and without distractions (toys, screens, whatever) and I also just plain enjoy making food for the family. We grew up cooking dinner with my working parents and I think it was an important part of my family dynamic that also kept us physically healthy and taught us a useful skill, so I want to continue all of those things with my kids.
anon
We eat dinner together almost every night — we cook very big meals on the weekends and eat leftovers two nights a week, we do do cheap take-out (pizza, tacos) and microwaved meals but we prefer to sit down together even with young squirmy kids. We both work full-time demanding jobs but I just don’t like eating in passing.
Some of you may know me with this
I have three teens now, and we usually eat together (oldest has a job that keeps him out two evenings a week). Meals are simple, like the ones above. My other tip: teach the kids very basic cooking skills. Mine started with spaghetti w meat sauce at age 10. (Boil water, add pasta. Brown meat, add jar of sauce. Prep simple salad. Dinner in about 20 minutes.) Each year they needed to add one new meal. By 15, they just picked a recipe and at this point we have tried many of the TikTok ones. My goal was to make them reasonably comfortable in the kitchen before they launched, but as a bonus, yes, we can now ask them to cook for the family. If they cook the entire meal for us during the week, we’ll pay them, just like mowing the lawn.
Anon
We do a mix of simple stuff (pasta plus a sauce, boxed rice mix plus a protein), leftovers, and takeout, but we do eat together every night. I batch cook and freezer stuff on the weekends, too.
Anon
We eat together as a family every weekday between 5:30 and 6:00pm. It’s at 5:30 if I’m WFH and at 6pm on the two days that I commute to the downtown office. I’m a biglaw partner. My husband is 100% WFH in a 8-4:30pm job. Our kids are 3 and 5 so they don’t have weekday activities yet. Their daycare closes at 5 so they get home around 5:15. Sometimes DH or I have after work events (either social or work related) on a weeknight and so are not home for dinner those nights but the other parent is there. Weekday dinners were primarily leftovers from weekend cooking, grilled, frozen Trader Joes meals, pizza on Fridays, etc. Not big productions. I had a lot of work travel in the last 12 months and hired a housekeeper to come twice a week and meal preps / cook enough for 4 or 5 dinners. She was such a great addition to our family that we’ve kept her even though the work assignment I was traveling for is now done. It’s important to us to have family dinner 5-6 nights a week at least, while we still can and the kids are young.
octagon
Family dinners are my hill to die on. We often ate separately and at random times before kids but I grew up eating as a family and it is really important to me. (Even if DH is not that hungry, he comes and sits at the table for the conversation.) The food itself is pretty simple – we grill a lot, or turn leftovers into something quick, or have pasta or sandwiches depending on what’s available. I think it’s important that we have dedicated time to focus on sharing our days, talk about things that matter to us as a family (Sunday nights we always talk about the week ahead for example). It’s also good practice for kiddo (8) to sit during meals so that when we have dinners with extended family he knows how to behave. If it’s early enough or we don’t have a lot else going on that night, sometimes we will play a game after dinner too.
Emma
We try to sit down for dinner every night, but it’s not always a fancy production – sometimes it’s pasta or grilled chicken and a salad, sometimes it’s a cheese plate and crackers and carrot sticks. And sometimes it’s takeout because we’re tired. But I like to actually sit at a table and talk to my spouse instead of eating in front of the TV, which was a conversation at the beginning of our relationship because he loves eating in front of the TV. I generally won that battle, but also am not super strict about it – sometimes we have pizza in front of the TV if we are watching a movie or something. Our baby is too young so I feed her puree, put her to bed and then eat with DH, but once she’s older I would like to do family dinner most nights. Definitely not cooking a 3 course meal regularly though!
Josie P
We always eat together also. It is often at 4:45 or 5 because of kid activities, but we get it done. I also like cooking and WFH so I can start things whenever. This week looks like:
Sunday (mother’s day) lamb meatballs, cucumber/herbs, naan, tzatziki
Monday pizza at 4:45 in between activities
Tuesday dumplings (frozen), stirfry peppers/onions
Weds leftover pizza for DH and kids (I am out at a work dinner)
Thurs salmon poke bowls (I get delivery fish that has poke packs)
Fri hamburgers, raw peppers
Sat some kind of takeout in between the soccer game and the orchestra concert
Anon
I think a lot of this is dependent on past and current circumstances. I grew up in a family with a SAHM that cooked 3 meals a day for the entire family. Absolutely nothing fancy, but it was home cooked, and we sat down and ate together. Dinner was at 4-4:30pm due to my father’s work, meaning he would go back to work after dinner. So, this is what I was used to growing up. My husband and I both get home from work (and kid pickup) at 5. He gets to work at 6am and typically eats lunch at 10am (coffee only for breakfast). By 5, he’s hungry, and he needs to eat. My experience for the first 18 years of life was eating early, so that is also what I am used to. We try to have dinner on the table by 5:30, which means simple, quick meals. My husband also needs a meat/protein with his meals, so we keep it simple. Monday is leftovers from Sunday’s dinner and we do Taco Tuesday. One day during the week, my husband doesn’t work, so he makes a bigger meal that will allow for leftovers the next night. Then, usually one night of takeout. I know a lot of families that have an early meal for their kids, and then, they eat later. That didn’t work for our schedules and how I’m used to eating. So much of this is dependent on everyone’s schedules and needs.
Anon
The research is pretty clear home-cooked food is healthier for kids and adults than pre-packaged or restaurant food, and that sitting down to a meal with parents at least 3-4 times a week helps kids have overall better outcomes with mental health, physical health and school performance. So, we made it a priority to have family dinner (meaning, there is a cooked meal and everyone sits down to eat it at the same time) 4-5 nights a week when our son was growing up (we always had a couple nights a week where someone was working late or there was sports practice, or both). Sometimes dinner was a meal kit or frozen pizza, but we’d usually take the time to figure out something to make from scratch, and as our kid got older, we used cooking dinner as an opportunity to teach him how to cook (and also how to clean up). We’re now down to 3-4 nights a week now that he’s a teenager and not always home in the evenings, but almost always, Monday, Wednesday and Sunday night we will have family dinner together. On nights where my husband and I are by ourselves, we still try to sit and eat at the table with no screens; it helps tremendously with mindful eating.
I really can’t overstate how helpful I think family dinner is when kids are growing up. It became our way to get information across about nutrition and manners without being heavy-handed; it became a safe space for him to open up about things that had happened to him during the day. When he was going through some bullying, we heard about it at the dinner table; ditto when he got his first crush on someone. In very busy seasons of life, it’s an hour or so where everyone can stop what they’re doing and reconnect. We’ve never allowed devices at the dinner table, for kids or adults, so it’s screen-free time where we have to focus on each other. Our kid learned basic table manners, how to make polite small talk, how to handle it when he was served food he didn’t like, etc. by sitting down to dinner with us.
I will say – I grew up eating dinner as a family, as did my husband, and so us this was a continuation of a tradition rather than something new. But it’s a tradition I hope my son continues, because the benefits are many and as life gets busier and busier, and there are more and more distractions, I feel like preserving the space of having dinner together is really important. It’s just not the same on the nights where we all grab sandwiches or leftovers and eat in front of the computer or the TV and don’t connect; I would hate it if we did that all the time.
anon
I agree with you 100%. Especially with our culture being what it is, I really value and prioritize family dinner.
Seafinch
I posted a reply yesterday. Home made dinner every night for family of seven. No meal kits, I find them too expensive, too small, and not the nutritional balance I want. BUT I think it’s likely I am not doing a lot that other people are. I love to cook and live to eat. My entire family loves to eat so it’s a main priority. I am mommy tracked at work, lean way out, probably have a dirtier house than many, substandard yard maintenance and my three youngest do zero activities. And am on a one year mat leave. I pour a lot of effort into meals that others likely choose to dedicate elsewhere.
Anon
I find it unusual that people think it’s weird to cook dinner every night! I spend around a half hour cooking and then we all eat. It seems like it would be more effort to cook four individual meals and clean them up separately. Not everything is elaborate, sometimes leftovers are involved, but I also think it’s important to eat a real meal rather than cheese and crackers.
I also don’t understand meal kits – it’s more effort to read a new recipe every day instead of making something I’ve made 100 times before. My husband briefly subscribed us to Hello Fresh and it sucked. It was annoying to read the recipes with kids underfoot, some of them weren’t good, and there were too many pans to wash. It saved me no time at all. I think meal kits are for people who can’t cook or who are totally over coming up with meal ideas.
As a parent, my time to sit and eat dinner is when my children are contained sitting at the table. I don’t need to be up and down preventing my toddler from electrocuting herself or helping my other kid fix his truck or whatever.
anon
I had the same experience with Hello Fresh. Starting over every time was an enormous waste of time and energy for me.
Anon
I also find that meal kits take longer than cooking myself does.
Anon
Meal kits take care of the planning, shopping, and most of the prep work which is huge for some people.
Anon
Don’t you still have to grocery shop for the rest of your meals? I’m at the store anyway.
Anon
For us, it’s a mental load issue. Grab paper bag from refrigerator, follow directions, and dinner is done.
We keep the meal cards from the meals we enjoy and often cook them on our own.
Anonymous
I never grocery shop. Instacart everything.
Anonymous
My husband and I have one 10 year old, and we eat together just about every night, but we do eat a LOT of leftovers. We also take lunch to work every day so always make extra food for lunches. My husband is a teacher and gets home around 5 most days; I don’t get home until 6:30, which is when we eat. He cooks a lot or reheats leftovers. I cook about 2 large entrees (6-8 servings) a week, either on the weekend or after dinner. When I was single, this was also my MO; I don’t mind eating the same thing every day for a week. We order dinner on Tuesday nights and usually order or go out once on the weekends, plus buy bagels for brunch on Sunday. Our son is really picky so doesn’t always eat what we eat – he’s happy with PB&J and is rarely eating our leftovers for lunch.
Anonymous
I have 3 kids ages 4.5, 7 and 10. We all generally eat together, though sometimes it’s on the go. We don’t do fast food not because we are Healthy and Moral about it, but because there are no fast food options between our house and the sports fields we rush around to after school :).
Generally our M.O. so to make a meal that can be used for leftovers on Sunday and one midweek day. My kids like burgers so DH will often cook a bunch and then we have them for on-the-go eating midweek with sides. We generally don’t do “snacky supper” because my kids need more calories than that, but we will do things like eat in waves: veggies and crackers, cheese, and/or dip before 5pm sports practice, chicken and pasta after. When we are all home we eat at the table together, but we are not always all home at the same time.
Anon
Two lawyer parents who (mostly) work from home, two kids (3 / 9). We are NOT cooking meals from scratch every weeknight, and many of our meals (esp. for the kids) are less healthy than they could be … but since home-cooked, healthy meals each night aren’t remotely feasible, we settle for at least trying to eat together most nights. I spend 3 hours Sunday cooking – roasting veggies, making chili, etc., and grown-ups eat these all week. Kids eat easy stuff: nuggets, pasta, mac and cheese, corn dogs, fruit and yogurt. I do the school pick-ups, and dad plays with kids while I get dinner ready. Dinner prep each night is 20 minutes so we can fit in an evening family activity, bath-time, bedtime before parents log in another couple hours of work.
Anon
Since you eat together and the adult food is already prepped, why not have everyone eat that? Prepping additional kid food sounds like an extra step.
Anon
Do you have kids?
Anonymous
Most kids eat the stuff she talks about like roast veggies and chili. Our kids eat chili, tacos, a variety of pasta, stir frys and risottos, etc. I don’t understand how people have time to make two entirely separate meals. Every meal isn’t going to be your favorite – I prefer fish tacos to ground beef, one kid picks the mushrooms out of his risotto every time but whatever. If you have multiple people, you can’t make multiple meals. That’s so much work. Kids don’t know what foods they do or don’t like if you don’t offer.
Anon
Yes, but we never did “kid food”. Kids ate what we ate.
I could maybe see doing something different for the 3 year old, but I don’t see why the 9 year old couldn’t eat the “adult food”.
Anon
Kids are different. Some will, some won’t. I had one of each.
Anon
He does, sometimes. Getting better. He is STUBBORN – once sat in silence for 2.5 hours when DH tried to tell him he couldn’t get up without trying a new vegetable. It wasn’t a technique that worked. We only see our kids for 2-3 hours a day so on some nights it isn’t worth the fight to me.
Anonymous
That’s a horrible technique. Just make one meal and eat your food. Kid doesn’t eat, they don’t eat. Make some aspect of each meal that they like.
Dinner is dinner. You can have a glass of milk and piece of toast before bed if you didn’t eat dinner and are still hungry. It’s a home not a restaurant.
Anon
There are definitely kids who would subsist only on the milk and toast though (I have one) and that’s not nearly as healthy as serving your kid whatever proteins, fruit and/or veggies they’re willing to eat.
JD
We eat together every night around 6:30, 8ish bedtime with one kid, one on the way. We try to cook simple meals that generate leftovers for 1-2 additional nights. We use the instant pot and air fryer a lot. So… taco night, pasta with meatballs, tofu stir fry, baked fish and veggies, veggie burgers. Some of these can be started in the instant pot or oven while I do afternoon pick up. We try not to have separate meals for the kid, but will hold aside uncooked veggies or not sauce a portion of the meal. My husband actually cooks more than I do, which is lucky for me.
I love meal kits, but ones like Blue Apron are never quick. We just get a few recipes that work well enough, then rotate in more exciting stuff for weekends and holidays. We do a lot of mac n cheese for lunch on weekends, and sometimes do go out for fast food :)
Senior Attorney
When I was at the Medium Sized Law Firm and married, I worked late and my husband took care of dinner for him and our child, and I ate when I got home. After the divorce, I came home early-ish, Kid and I would go to karate class together most nights and have takeout or something easy together. When Kid hit high school I remarried and took a slower-paced government job, and we did eat together every night (mostly still just the two of us because then-husband traveled a lot). I’d make a meal plan on the weekend and I did a lot of “cook once, freeze, eat twice” kind of things.
These days Hubby and I do Blue Apron thrice a week (we take turns), we’re ususally out for dinner for one reason or another once or twice a week, and we improvise the other nights. Often homemade pizza, or we’ll pick something from the ridiculously huge cookbook collection — tonight it’s going to be Khao Tom (Thai rice soup with meatballs) and I can’t wait! We occasionally do a cheese-and-crackers(-and-cocktails) snacky supper but that’s pretty rare.
Anon
We did when the kids were little. I have vivid memories of rushing in the door and heading straight to the kitchen, tossing an apron on to protect my work clothes, and making dinner. I was a big fan of the idea of 30 minute meals, though it wasn’t always under 30.
Now that my husband and I are empty nesters we don’t always have dinner. I WFH and he’s retired. Sometimes if I feel like making something nice and have space in my workday, we just have a late lunch together. Steak frites is my favorite. It’s kind of romantic actually.
The kids will both be living here this summer, plus one boyfriend. I don’t know how meals are going to work then, but I am 100% not going back to the frantic getting dinner on the table by 6:30 nonsense. My son and my daughter’s boyfriends are both pretty accomplished in the kitchen – maybe they’ll cook for us! (As long as my son can learn to clean up as he goes – I’d rather have takeout than every counter filled with dirty pots, pans, mixing bowls, utensils, and dishes after dinner. )
go for it
funny! In my house whomever cooks does not clean up; however, if the cook leaves a hurricane of a mess then the cook cleans.
Anon
Yeah, he has definitely tried the “I cooked so I don’t have to clean up” business, which is maybe OK for an intensive special meal once in a while, but not for every day dinner. I cook and I clean or load the dishwasher as I go, he can learn to do the same.
He wanted to make me croissants from scratch for mother’s day but I managed to redirect based solely on how I imagined the kitchen would look after that!
Seventh Sister
We do it, we did it, but neither of us have super-long-hour jobs. It was a slog when they were little, and we 100% put them to bed later than we were supposed to as babies and toddlers, but I’m glad we managed it. My husband does the cooking, and the meals are pretty short and simple. We also did plenty of takeout and didn’t stress about skipping it sometimes. My kids are now 12 and 15. Ballet is the usual dinner-destroyer, but that is a once or twice a week issue (they are older so classes are often 6-8). I think it would be harder if they did sports and/or were more serious about dancing.
go for it
We ate breakfast (kids prepped their own at young age) & dinner as a family. We did that because I wanted it for connection and prayer. Whatever they adults made was what we had….from ravioli with jarred sauce to cereal with bananas to a meat and veggie. If what was made was not what they wanted they had to at least try it, then they could make their own pb & j.
At the time I WFH a lot so prep was easier. Many nights of leftovers because if a big meal was to be cooked there had to be enough for leftovers. I taught them to be the sous chefs early on, so by the time they were 10 they could pull off a dinner. Everyone is different, and all of us do the best we can.
Anon
My lovely MIL sent me macarons for my birthday last week, but I was out of town and they’ve been sitting outside for a whole week now. Do you think they’re safe to eat? The box said they should be refrigerated immediately, but I assume that’s more for freshness than food safety reasons. We frequently leave store-bought macarons at room temperature, but we eat them within 2-3 days. A week is a long time.
AnonSatOfc
Ugh – I wouldn’t, but I would go out and get yourself some replacement macaroons asap. Bummer.
OP
Believe it or not, I live in a macaron-less city! But I’m ordering my dad some specialty ice creams for father’s day and will steal some.
AIMS
call the place they are from and ask if it’s safe to eat.
I would think they may not taste good but I can’t see off the top of my head how they would actually spoil so as to be unsafe.
Anonymous
I would be concerned about the filling.
Anon
The fillings are often cream-based I think. I don’t see how the cookie part could spoil.
OP
Ha, I called and they were very French and very agitated. “NON! Ne pas manger!! Absolument non!” But I feel like the French are very horrified by eating stale food, so I’m not sure it was a clear answer to the food safety question. Either way, I don’t think I’m going to eat them. At least they were apparently very authentic macarons? :(
Mrs. Jones
I’m LOL at their response but sad about the lost macarons
Senior Attorney
Same. And I’d order a replacement box because I would be so sad.
Cat
I’d contact the company and ask. They might replace the box. Their agreement with the delivery service might require a person to be home to receive! From a pure food safety perspective I don’t know what would be dangerously spoiled as opposed to stale.
Emma
I used to make macarons and I think the instructions were 24 hours outside of the fridge, 7-10 days in the fridge. The cookie part won’t spoil, and the fruit ones may be preserves and therefore fine, but the chocolate/vanilla etc. ones will have a cream- based filling that can spoil. I personally would not risk it but you can take a look and use your judgement, or call the maker and ask them!
anon
Wouldn’t there be some texture issues after that long? Part of the joy of a macaron is the slightly crunchy and chewy outside with the creamy filling.
Emma
Yeah the cookie part won’t spoil in the sense that it won’t make you sick, but it will definitely dry out and be less tasty. I have never had macarons last more than a few days in my house though :) When I made a lot I would freeze them, they actually freeze pretty well.
Anon
I would eat them unless it’s been 100 degrees out.
Anon
I wouldn’t but I took that food aversion quiz a few weeks ago and the mold category was the highest for me.
I guarantee you most of those fillings are moldy by now. Do with that what you will.
Anon
I would guess they’re spoiled, but moldy? Wouldn’t that be visible?
Anon
not always!
Anon
I think it’s sad she was sending you something perishable without checking with you first. Where was your spouse? (Assuming you have a spouse if you have a MIL)
In your shoes, I’d just buy new ones for myself.
OP
Yes, I have a spouse. He had not communicated to his parents we were traveling, which I think is a little weird (I always tell my parents about our trips) but it’s not my place to intervene in his relationship with his parents. I don’t blame my MIL here at all. She was trying to do a nice thing and had no idea we’d be gone.
Hours Shift
We are up at five to exercise and eat a real breakfast together before work. Which means we are in bed three hours after the workday ends I order to get enough sleep before waking up again the next morning.
That means dinner is often soup from a can, or heated up stew we made over the weekend, or a quick salad (we keep the components ready to assemble). No kids. Both fully remote.
Sit down dinner with a protein, a couple vegetables and a dessert happens on the weekends. That is also how we do dinner parties (or did before the pandemic and will again one day).
Anonymous
I have a new big law headshot coming up and honestly don’t know what to wear. Still a suit? What jewelry?
Anon
Yes to suit jacket and some sort of shell under. Pearl stud earrings and no other jewelry unless it’s a very simple necklace. Boring is better.
Cat
does your firm have any official guidance? when I was at mine the expectation was a jacket and c-ll-red shirt so people would look similar across bios. also, is it just your head or (god forbid) a whole-body situation?
absent that, I would look to see what others at your firm have been wearing.
personally, I am planning on skipping a jacket and just wearing a blouse in a flattering color for my next one.
OP
No guidance, but just chest up.
BB
Caveat that I am not in Big Law, but I am a senior leader in corporate. I have recently had the epiphany that you should just wear whatever professional wear you feel best in for the shot. I had several rounds of headshots over the past decade where I was following the “rules” online – solid color shirt in an unobtrusive color, solid navy/gray jacket, next to no jewelry, etc. My headshots always looked blah. I finally got one last year where I was wearing my favorite tweedy dark red blazer. It looks amazing because that blazer looks great on me! So yeah, if you don’t have rules for your firm, go with what you look best in!
Eager Beaver
I think this is great advice!
NYCer
+1. I did not wear a suit in my most recent big law headshot, and it turned out great! I wore a dress that I love and that looks flattering on me – I feel like this picture looks a lot more like “me” if that makes sense.
Anonymous
Yeah. I’m in finance but my last two headshots were a dark brown suit that looks great with my coloring, and a wine-colored “formal” dress (suit-equivalent for our most formal meetings).
BaltAnon
This is so dependent on the firm. My firm is all dark suits in our headshots, but I know many firms where it’s more casual and not unusual that the women are wearing colorful blazers.
For me, I stuck with a classic-looking suit – black blouse w/ black jacket, and wore interesting earrings. Honestly, I was happy for this because it was easier, and I don’t have to worry about it looking dated.
anon
Very firm dependent. At my firm we run casual, so I wore a dress in a flattering color (blue). I did check out other profiles to get ideas.
Shopping Help
I’m desperately in search of some dresses I can wear to my biz casual office this summer as I’ll be in my second/third trimester. I’m rapidly approaching the point that my current wardrobe isn’t going going to work for much longer. I’ve had luck with Boden in the past but just had a total bust of an order – the dresses looked perfect on screen but when they arrived cuts were weird, materials were off or they were more rufflepuff than the picture lead on.
To give you a flavor of some things that have worked in the office before: Zara’s Green Midi Geometric Dress,
Boden’s V-neck smocked dress (long sleeve)
Those are both bold patterns. Hoping for something more neutral/solid black that I can wear somewhat repeatedly. I’m a 14/curvy, 5’8″. Helpppp?!
Anon
Does this happen to be one of the ones you tried from Boden? If not, I recommend it! I just had a Boden order that was a bust, then reordered some other things, including this one, and it was great. I’m 16, curvy, not pregnant, and it was flattering on. I think it would also work for a pregnancy as you can adjust how tight you tie the side: https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/knot-front-jersey-midi-dress-black/sty-d0551-blk?cat=C1_S2_G4
Anon
Wouldn’t you be looking at maternity not regular clothes?
OP
Nope. I save maternity clothes for late pregnancy when it’s literally all that will fly. A lot of pregnancy clothes are ugly AF (not all, I know, I know…). A lot of women, myself included, can get away with flowy/looser fit dresses, especially during summer. I’m really just struggling to find something that’s suitable for the office at the moment. I had a lot that were suitable for colder months in my closet, but as it gets warmer (I’m in Boston), I’m needing to ditch the long dress/long sleeve/heavier fabrics for something more spring/summer oriented. I don’t hit third trimester until mid August.
BTW i was last pregnant 5 years ago and she was an april baby, so summer maternity clothes are not in my rotation at all, which is part of the problem.
Anon
You generally get a lot bigger faster in subsequent pregnancies. I wouldn’t assume you’ll fit into normal clothes this summer just because you did with your first.
OP
I am aware. This is #3. Due in November. I plan to embrace maternity fall clothes. Until then, again, I am looking for flowy, non-maternity dresses. Think midi/maxi that are not bodycon and will drape right over a mid-sized belly.
Curious
Seraphine dresses got me through this period. They are not as well made as Boden, but they were enough.
Anokha
Yes. I wore Seraphine almost exclusively during my pregnancies — and I was able to buy them on Poshmark (and then sell them on Poshmark).
Curious
+1 to Posh
Anon
I used to wear stuff like this: https://www.zappos.com/p/norma-kamali-short-sleeve-crew-neck-shirred-waist-dress-black/product/8868656/color/3 and https://www.zappos.com/p/tommy-hilfiger-v-neck-twist-waist-with-3-4-sleeve-black/product/9850474/color/3
Anything made of stretchy material works, especially from places like Gap/Old Navy and Amazon Basics, but I don’t think it’s as popular this season so you may be better off in maternity. I too got bigger much faster in my second pregnancy. You need at least a midi dress in regular sizes or it’ll ride up in the front.
anonamouse
I’m similarly sized, and this dress from ASOS was the hero of my business casual summer maternity wear last year. Still wearing it post-partum and get compliments all the time. Bonus that the fabric drapes nicely and doesn’t ever require steaming or ironing.
https://www.asos.com/closet-london-maternity/closet-london-maternity-kimono-wrap-midi-dress-in-black/prd/203165982?clr=black&colourWayId=203165983&cid=8343
Jules
Maybe this?
https://www.belk.com/p/karen-kane-quinn-v-neck-pocket-dress/0438581881747.html?cm_mmc=EMLTRX-Order_Info_vR1-Product+Link&emailid=amNvbGxlZW4zMThAZ21haWwuY29t&et_cid=80756811&et_rid=1690876818&linkid=Product+Link
It’s roomy in the midsection, basically a swing dress. The fabric is nice but it’s as comfortable as a night shirt.
Anan
I wore a lot of Uniqlo linen shirt dresses while pregnant. Uniqlo has a nice boxy cut, I think.
Anon
Those of you who have Dyson hair devices, are you happy with them? I’m eyeing the new airstrait which would be perfect for someone like me who usually lets my wavy hair air dry out of laziness, but then it winds up getting frizzy with flyaways that look awful. I’m never going to be the person who can spend the time and effort to blow dry with a round brush so I’m thinking this is a great option – but it’s obviously $$$. Thoughts?
Anon
Ooh I didn’t know this existed and I’m so intrigued. I wish I had a spare $700 to spend on a hair tool. I have super thick hair though, I wonder if I would have to rough dry it first before hitting it with the Airstrait which sort of defeats the purpose of using one tool…
Anon
It actually has a rough dry option to dry the roots first before doing passes to sectioned off hair. They’ve thought of everything haha.
Anonymous
Love the blow dryer. It’s next level.
Senior Attorney
Same.
Anon
I got the airwrap as a gift and I’m obsessed with it. I almost never use the curling function, just the dryer and then one of the brush attachments. But it’s faster than my old dyer was and my hair looks better and feels less damaged. I never would have spent this much on it before trying it, but now I think it’s absolutely worth the price if you can swing it.
anon
Quality wise – A Dyson comes out about the same as an an expensive professional blow dryer, both in terms of results and time. I have thick long hair and can get from shower to dry in about 12 minutes with both the Dyson Airwrap and a round brush with my normal fancy blow dryer. In my experience, most people switching from a target $50 blow dryer to Dyson will go “OMG” (because its a massive step up in quality), whereas if you already have a good few hundred dollar salon blow drying, your reaction to Dyson is decidedly “meh.” If the novelty of it will get you to use it, then I’m all for it.
anon
For those of you who are step parents, what do you think of your step kids? How do you feel toward them? To the extent that your opinion of them is negative, how much and how do you share that with your partner?
I’m not a step parent myself, just grew up with one and am now many years later processing elements of the experience.
It’s Complicated
Step kids are great. Smart. Interesting. Their Mom is pure chaos and taught them to take her side, which seems to have lasted from their middle school/junior high years into their young adulthood years. That is hard to deal with because it means their (unconscious) bias is that everything she does is perfect and normal and our household is the outlier.
Anon
I was a step parent from when my ss was 10 and he is an adult now. He is a gem and we often get lunch together because our offices are close together.
Anon
Re the poster below — I sort of was in aunt mode vs parent mode (left all parenting things to husband and cooked meat-based meals, which seemed to go over well). As he got older, I think he came to appreciate that I was just there in an uncomplicated way (like aunts/uncles). Lots of parent conflict in the younger years between the parents which I did not ever get invovled in (and I feel for his future wife, who will have to deal with his family in a way I did not).
Anon
I was a step-parent. I did not feel any sort of maternal bond with my stepson. He had a mom, and I was firmly of the opinion that he did not need another one. On the one hand, the emotional distance was good, in that it reduced friction between his dad and me, because my husband and his ex-wife did not parent the way I would have (and later did, when my husband and I had kids). I realized very early on that had to step back emotionally because if I cared how they parented, my husband and I would have fought all the time. To care but have no power to make a change would have been a recipe for deep dissatisfaction for both of us. So my opinion wasn’t so much negative about him; it was negative about the decisions they made about him. Those decisions did contribute to some devastating life events that I won’t delve into here, but being right in the end certainly did not give give me any satisfaction. Step parenting is so, so hard. I don’t know that I would ever have dated my husband if I’d had any idea. I am glad I didn’t know, because we have a good life and a good marriage, but the step-parenting component was awful. (Stepson has since died, hence the past tense.)
anon
I’m curious how you made the leap from not liking how your husband parented, to having biological children with him.
Anon
Yeah that seems…interesting.
Also oof to talking about step-parenthood in the past tense. I know step-parenthood isn’t the same as parenthood, but the moms I know who lost kids (sadly, more than one) still identified as mothers even when they didn’t have other living children.
Anon
OP mentions in the last line that her stepson has died. Based on that, your comment is pretty insensitive.
Anon
It is different, though. I am a stepmom but I don’t know if I would use the present tense if (god forbid) something happened to them.
Anon
Stop it. It hasn’t happened to you. I have lost a child and I refer to her in the past tense. It’s not your business.
Anon
I took her to mean that her husband made concessions in parenting because of his ex-wife, and she anted to provide consistent parenting.
Anonymous
This is how I took it. Kept the peace with the ex-wife to preserve access to the kid/avoid court battles when OP would have made a difference choice.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
I think this came out differently than you intended. It reads like you thought that your husband was such an awful parent that it was going to kill your stepson and you not only let that happen without even speaking up, and seem kind of happy about the child’s death, but also chose to have kids with him anyway. There’s got to be more to this story.
Eager Beaver
I didn’t get any of this from the comment. I certainly didn’t get that she is “kind of happy” about the death of her step-son.
Anon
I try not to read into comments but heard some “vindication” I guess, but that could be illusory since whatever tragedy happened could be unrelated to parenting (it’s just that that was the only context we got).
Anon
Agreed. She sounds sad and resigned about it to me, not happy!
Anon
Where on earth did you get that she was happy about her step-son’s death?? “Being right in the end certainly did not give give me any satisfaction”
Anonymous
She writes that steparenting was awful but that she has a good life now. (Stepson died)
I can’t imagine losing a child and having my husband talk about what a pain step-parenting was and how good things are since my child died.
Anon
+1 to 11:32. It was pretty shocking to read and such a callous way of talking about a child’s death.
Anon
“I can’t imagine losing a child and having my husband talk about what a pain step-parenting was and how good things are since my child died.”
FFS she’s not saying this to her husband, she’s anonymously answering a question on the internet.
Anon
It is not clear that the bad parenting lead to stepson’s death. For all we know, he drowned, died of cancer, or was hit by a driver going the wrong way down the highway.
Anne-on
This strikes me as a ‘mom was overly permissive and dad could/would only fight it so much and it led to bad choices that sadly turned tragic down the road’ kind of thing. I would NEVER blame the parents IRL but I can totally understand if this was a ‘dad won’t let us drink underage but mom will as long as we don’t drive, except oops someone did drive’ and bam, drunken car accident type of thing. I’m sure everyone on this board knew kids with parents who let them drink/do drugs/run a bit wild and it was tolerated or ignored.
Anon
Are you the same commenter who accused me of being gleeful about a different tragedy? If so, some serious introspection is in order.
Anon
Jfc that is the most uncharitable interpretation I’ve ever seen here. What is wrong with you??
Senior Attorney
Right? How about a little grace?
Anon
I didn’t read that at all. I think someone can say their life is good now without it being interpreted to mean that they are happy about their stepchild’s death. For example, my mom’s twin sister was brutally murdered when they were in their late teens. If my mom said that they fought a lot as teens and had a difficult relationship, and also that she has a happy life now, 40 years later, would you take that to mean that she’s happy her sister was murdered?? They are both true facts but there is no causal relationship.
Anonymous
If she wrote “having a sister was awful but life is good now. (Sister has since died).” That would be analogous and imply a causal relationship.
Anon
Of course there is more to the story. The OP asked for thoughts about step parenting, so I gave some. Parenting decisions did not lead to stepson’s death. Parenting decisions led to other devastating consequences, but not to stepson’s death. There is literally no way I could have done or said anything to keep the devastating consequence from occurring, but my husband and I had discussed the exact scenario that did eventually occur. Stepson’s death has very little to do with the substance of the post. In hindsight, I should not even have mentioned that. My point was that step-parenting is very different from parenting one’s own kids, in that I have some (50% in theory; more in practice) power and control over what happens to my kids. With a step, my husband and I lived with the consequences, but I had no control over the situation. And the commenters who read my post to think I am glad my stepson died are just making up stuff. That is clearly not what I said. It was incredibly sad, and I would never wish that for anyone.
Trish
I am so sorry that the mean girls attacked you. It is typical on this board when anyone shares something remotely personal. Nothing you said suggested you were happy about your step son dying.
Anon
I see the Mean Girls are out today. I lost my first child and it is all very complicated and sad. My guess is that anyone coming at you has never been through anything like this and are probably not even parents. Everyone wants to tell you you’re doing it wrong, when they actually have no effing idea. Hugs to you.
Monday
I have 3 stepkids and no biological children of my own.
I love and care about all 3 of them, and am very invested. Their mom has been totally supportive of my having my own relationships with them, which is huge. (Even though they are with us over half the time, she could cause problems if she wanted to.)
I have difficulties with one of them, and my partner knows about it and has a lot of the same frustrations. I’m hoping the kid will grow out of the behaviors involved, and in the meantime am trying to strike a balance between acceptance and encouraging/modeling something better.
Anon
I have two tween stepchildren and one child with my husband, who is a toddler. I always wanted a big family and I love the happy chaos of our very full house. I have a very good relationship with both of them, but it is def more “loving aunt” than “mother.” I think that’s appropriate, tbh. My stepdaughter in particular comes to me with things she’s afraid to talk to her mom and dad about, and I think the emotional distance of the “aunt “ role helps make that feel safe for her.
Anonymous
I think the “aunt” or “adult who isn’t your mom” is so important for kids.
Anon
I’m the child of step-parents, both have been in my life since I was 6 or 7. All four parents used to have lunch together every few months to be sure everyone was being (relatively) consistent with parenting. I don’t see them as ‘parents’ but more like your favorite aunt or uncle. Love them both to death, as neither ever made my brother or I feel like burden, something they had to ‘put up with,’ or anything less than full members of the family even though we didn’t live in either household fulltime.
Neither of my biological parents would have remarried if their prospective partner wasn’t fully on-board with us kids. Each dated a bit after the divorce and waited a while to introduce us kids – several didn’t make the cut.
Anon
Sort of looking for advice, but also just venting somewhere anonymous – I’m finding it so hard to be supportive to depressed or anxious family members. I know all about taking care of myself and maintaining boundaries, which I do, but even with those, I’m struggling to be there in a limited capacity and to be compassionate. I have one family member in particular who is really not in a good place, although he is trying hard to get better and is in active care. He will positively explode his trauma onto people and not respect social cues to stop, even though I can see that he has the awareness that people are uncomfortable and that they don’t want to hear it. I feel for him – it’s hard to know that he is making people uncomfortable but be unable to stop, and I’m very glad he is actively getting professional help, but in the meantime, he is driving people away.
Also? I want to be happy. I want most parts of the day to be happy. I don’t want to constantly hear other people’s trauma or have all of life’s negative occurrences be 90% of conversational content. I don’t want people to assume I’m always game to hear their problems. I’m not a therapist and I don’t have the tools to help, and I will listen to people’s problems but not all day. I’ve always been a sensitive person and a good listener and I’m starting to feel taken advantage of, even with pretty good boundaries. There is also some kind of weird pressure to be unhappy coming from a close friend – we have a group chat with 3 of us and if one of us is having a problem, she thinks we should all be sad about it and won’t mention anything good going on in her life until a self-imposed period of mourning has passed (she literally didn’t tell us she got a job offer until three days after our third friend’s minor problem was mentioned because she “didn’t feel it was appropriate when Susan was going through a hard time” – that something was a toddler not sleeping through the night three nights in a row and Susan vented for 2 mins and then moved on).
I probably sound like a jerk but I swear I’m not. I love my family and friends and want them to be able to be happy.
Anon
Regarding the family member: I would try some version of “I love you and support you, but I am not a therapist. I don’t have the tools to help you and I don’t have the tools to help myself when listening to this. Please continue to work on finding constructive ways to release pent-up anger, frustration, etc.”. Then end the conversation, whether that be changing the subject and continuing to change the subject, hanging up, or walking away.
One of the issues with trauma and social signals is that a lot of “normal” people don’t understand the signal to not challenge someone on their life problems. I grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive household. You would not believe the number of clods who give me the puppy dog eyes for “keeping my son away from his family” (my family of origin). It took me giving people some rather graphic descriptions to get them to MYOB.
Let me tell you, that makes it very difficult to navigate when the subject comes up, either with people who know or those who don’t know. It takes a lot of emotional skill and emotional reserves to tread the fine line between explaining my emotions and not trauma-dumping.
To that end, I would also suggest validating feelings: “I know what happened to you is horrible. Not being a therapist, I don’t have the tools to listen without it affecting me very deeply.”
Anon
Co-sign. I’m not able to be white-hot angry re my sister’s exH for 10 years and that makes me a bad person with no empathy, apparently.
anon
I think the kindest thing is to state what you’re up for and not up for. I’d much rather have friends who I can call about the cute puppy I saw than no friends because I used them as a free therapist too much.
I’d probably state it as a me issue “I can help with the occasional heavy thing, but I really need to keep conversations light most of the time” or “I wish I could be helpful with [trauma], but I don’t have the tools and would rather we talk about something else”
Anon
What do you do about the people who call that toxic positivity? Sometimes I think it can be a valid point – I’ve certainly been around people who are almost dictatorial in making sure that everyone knows that only light and fun subjects should be discussed. I sometimes struggle to find the right balance.
anon
You don’t sound like a jerk. You sounds like someone who is compassionate but also respects her own needs and ability to provide support. This situation sounds like a LOT.
Emma
It’s really hard. My ex-H had depression and that line of feeling compassion but also being so tired of it is real. It’s not the reason we split up, but I am here to tell you it’s ok to find it hard, to need support yourself, and to have your own boundaries.
anon for this
If you are willing to share, what are some of the tools or things you used to help yourself in your marriage? I’m dealing with a depressed spouse and really struggling. I’m tired of feeling like everything is under his dark cloud but also wanting to be a supportive spouse.
Anon
Different person, but I recommend NAMI Family Support Groups. I sobbed through my first meeting because I finally had people who understood how difficult it was. It also helped me realize that my spouse’s depression was not being treated well enough, so we are seeking additional treatment now.
crash
+1
NAMI was helpful for me. I actually met someone at the group who was going through a very similar problem in her family. She was similar age, lived near and we became friends and would meet to vent and support each other whenever one of us was having a rough time. It was incredibly valuable.
Anonymous
I remember several threads recently from wives dealing with a severely depressed husband—or have you posted about this before? Either way, you might want to search some of the older threads to also see the input there. I don’t remember specifics, but I know those threads received some very long and kind responses.
Emma
I mean I feel a little awkward about giving tools since our marriage ended (for a variety of reasons not the depression itself, but depression took a big toll on our lives together and it exacerbated other issues). But here is what I would recommend with the benefit of hindsight: I should have been in therapy for myself sooner. I should have been able to share his diagnosis with my support network (he was very adamant that I keep it a secret and I was trying to protect his privacy, but it was really unhealthy for everyone and I had no one to lean on). Maybe I should have attended one of those “I love a person with depression” support groups. I should have taken weekends with friends and gone out on my own when he was in a phase where he didn’t want to go anywhere and would just lay in bed. I wish I had found a firm but compassionate way to make sure he wouldn’t randomly go off his meds. I should have worked with my therapist to establish compassionate boundaries around “I want to talk about how you are feeling but also it cannot be the thing we come back to every single minute of every single hour and it’s not your get out of jail free card when you are being a legitimate jerk”.
Anonymous
I’m wondering if you might be the poster whose parent was struggling and bringing down the whole family emotionally in the process? If so, it’s awesome he’s getting help but yes-your instinct to protect yourself is spot on. You’re allowed to be happy. I reject this “misery is compassion” message you’re getting from friends too. Sometimes anxiety and depression are a little contagious and it’s worth getting a little distance to protect yourself.
Anon
I think it’s kinder not to try to pinpoint or call out exact posters based on previous posts. That’s a little uncomfortable.
Anon
Yeah, it’s very weird, especially when so many people deal with similar problems in life.
crash
Agree. I always wonder why posters do this. Who cares? Most of the posts on this site are about universal problems/questions, so of course they circle back again and again.
Anon
I have a son who is still my dependent who has anxiety and depression issues and it is the hardest thing in the world. I don’t have any advice for you, just comisseration.
Anonymous
Same here. Wishing you both the best. I wish I could see any light at the end of this long tunnel – I will hope you both find that.
It’s Complicated
Step kids are great. Smart. Interesting. Their Mom is pure chaos and taught them to take her side, which seems to have lasted from their middle school/junior high years into their young adulthood years. That is hard to deal with because it means their (unconscious) bias is that everything she does is perfect and normal and our household is the outlier.
anon
I’m the OP of the above thread on step parents, and I notice that basically every perspective from step parents I’ve read ever are always hating on the other bio parent. Now I’m sure there are reasons in many cases, but my mom and stepdad always railed about how terrible of a father my dad was and how all our relationship problems were his fault (my parents had joint custody but I ended up living with my dad since he was like… the only one who parented me…) My dad has his flaws for sure, but the reality of the situation is everyone involved was high conflict, low EQ, and the difference between my dad and mom/stepdad is that he was really focused on my needs and development and tried his best whereas my mom and stepdad were neglectful and abusive. I’m mid 30s now and at this point in my life one of the biggest obstructions to having a decent relationship with my mom is her constant shitting on my father and their narrative of me that’s basically attributing to my dad any perspective I have that’s not 100% favorable to them or traits that I have that they dont like (which are usually made up, like apparently I’m selfish because I don’t do everything they want all the time, even as an adult).
I’m not making any point in particular here, other than it seems like this whole setup of having or being a stepparent is really unfortunate for everyone involved. It does sound like others have better experiences sometimes, which is also good.
Anonymous
This is part of why I don’t believe people with children should remarry until their kids are grown. When you have kids, your first loyalty is to them.
anon
Yeah, like I get that adults have needs too and I don’t think it’s fair to ask parents to 100% put everything in their lives on hold because they procreated, but it definitely could have been done in a much more thoughtful way than my mom did it. I’m pretty sure she never really considered my needs and whenever I had any or expressed any, that was inconvenient an I was selfish. And when it resulted in her feeling stretched thin between my stepdad and me, I was “conspiring to ruin her marriage by dividing and conquering.” so that’s delightful. My father never remarried for this reason, and while I don’t feel that’s a 100% fair expectation to have, I am much, much better off because of it, and our relationship is also very close. It’s hard to imagine it would have been if he had another woman in his life when I was a minor child.
Anon
This seems misguided. My husband’s parents divorced when he was 6 or 7 and both got remarried or entered serious relationships within a few years. He’s still pretty scarred by the divorce and how poorly his parents got along afterward, to the point where we felt like we had to elope rather than face a wedding with them both there (30 years post divorce). But the fact that they’ve both been happily married to other people for decades is probably the only reason he’s comfortable getting married at all, as he’s seen that it’s not always as bad as his parents’ first marriage. He’s not close to his step-parents, but they get along, and he’s glad they’re good partners for his parents.
Seventh Sister
My spouse’s parents had a classic high-conflict 70s/80s divorce and when we married, it was the first time both parents had been in the same room in 15 years (apparently there was an epic fight at the high school graduation). It’s not an easy situation to navigate.
Both of his parents remarried a few years after the divorce and are still married to those people, but my MIL (a psychologist!) clearly isn’t over her first husband and will recount various injustices at every opportunity. My spouse is close to his stepdad (who is slightly less awful than my MIL) and has an OK relationship with his dad and stepmother.
The whole situation is like a PSA for attempting a lower-conflict divorce.
Anon
As someone with three former stepparents (divorce, not death – AFAIK, all are still alive), I basically agree.
At the bare bare minimum, I think both parents should wait a couple of years for the dust to settle and to get themselves emotionally stable first. My father made bad decisions in marriage because he just couldn’t figure out how to exist without dating. Turns out, shockingly, the people who will happily date you when your marriage is falling apart (instead of waiting for you to be divorced) aren’t going to be fantastic stepparents to your kids. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the best stepparent of the lot was the one who came onto the scene 10+ years after the divorce, not ummm during/maybe slightly before the divorce. (Yes, this also reflects on my father’s selfishness.)
Anon
This seems like an overstatement. I think the children have to be a priority and you may need to end a relationship with a great person who isn’t the right choice for a step-parent, but to say that a widow or divorcee can’t remarry, full stop, until their children are grown seems really dramatic to me.
Anon
Haha no. That is weird and not in touch with reality.
Anon
High conflict divorce is terrible for kids. I’m sorry you experienced that – I know the impact is lifelong.
I love being a stepparent. I know I am living in my stepkids’ Plan B world – of course they wish their parents were still together. All I can do is try to help make their Plan B world as good as possible. It requires a lot of sacrificing, but I don’t think you should marry someone with kids if you’re not willing to sacrifice for your stepkids in the way you would for your biological children.
Anonymous
Your comment about the Plan B world is a really insightful way to think about it.
JD
So I’m not a step parent, I’m the kid with step parents. My stepmom was my dad’s affair partner, not off to a great start! It all went down when I was a preschooler, which might have helped as I didn’t know details until later. Both sides really made efforts not to call out the other side in front of the kids, which I think is really important. My mom was the primary parent, and I know she had some really strong opinions. However, I really didn’t see any of that until later as an older teenager/adult, when you start to notice the cracks.
No one is perfect across my parents, although my mother was pretty close. I’m not truly close with either of my step parents for various reasons, but we have pleasant adult relationships. I think understanding if you can be low conflict, everyone participates at least a little in raising the kids, no one bad mouths each other is really important. Obviously if a parent goes no contact or becomes abusive, that’s a different can of worms. As a step parent, I would hope you’d acknowledge that you are going to have some important role in the kid’s life, and also keep your eyes open to the family dynamics before moving in/marrying your partner. Just like with co-dependent/abusive in laws, a really bad parenting dynamic may be enough to end a relationship.
Seventh Sister
This gives me a lot of hope for my friend’s son. Ex-husband got married to the affair partner recently, and my friend (the ex-wife) has been a dynamo about not bad-mouthing ex-husband to her kid, but it’s a tough situation.
Anonymous
I don’t think you should marry someone with kids if you don’t also love their kids. My husband’s step mom was abusive and neglectful because she thought if my husband wasn’t around she could convince his dad to have more kids with her. She got her way but she’s still a bad person. Why not just marry a dude who wanted more kids in the first place?
Anon
I’m not a step parent. My sister is. She and her husband have his, hers, and our kids. (“ours” meaning their bio kids together.) Sister’s kids’ bio father is a deadbeat and disappeared from their lives. That’s one reason you’ll hear about the other parent being terrible – a lot of them stop being parents after the divorce.
As far as her husband is concerned, I am fairly sure his ex-wife badmouths him, but they’re both good parents. The main issue is that she’s mad at him for getting remarried (when she was the one who left him!) and it took a lot of therapy to get her to stop expressing all of that to the kids.
Anon
i was reading about DeSantis’ latest bill about funds can/can’t be used for at public universities and more concerning that they can’t teach identity politics’ or distort historical events. how does the latter not violate free speech? also, how are people supposed to learn to think critically if they are only taught things in black/white with no gray area.
Anon
It’s vile. He’s setting a really good state university system on fire to own the libs. I’m going to graduate from an SUS university in the fall and hope that the grad degree I’ve busted my tail to get isn’t devalued too much by the crap he and his cronies are putting in place. I feel so badly for the students and faculty at New College who didn’t sign up for ANY of this and have had their lives upended. The students who don’t have the luxury of going to school out of state for financial reasons are so screwed.
AAU
They do violate the First Amendment, and litigation will eventually demonstrate that they do.
The inability of students coming out of such institutions to think critically is a feature not a bug: an uneducated electorate is easier to control.
Seventh Sister
I grew up in a pretty conservative place and this, 100%. They don’t want people to have skepticism or critical thinking skills, that doesn’t serve their purposes. As a high school kid, I was routinely told that The Big City and/or college and/or “the media” were full of stupid ideas and garbage people. I got lucky – I could leave, but plenty of people can’t and it’s poisonous to civil society.
Anon
I was born in the USSR. This was a hallmark of the education system when it came to humanities — critical thinking was discouraged, and we were taught to regurgitate the party’s “correct” interpretation of history and literature and not to look for any ambiguity.
This led to some (in retrospect hilarious) confusion when Gorbochev changed the party’s official interpretation of certain historical moments weeks before final exams for the students who had to pass political theory (a required course for all university students regardless of major) that year. In the end everyone basically got quietly passed on their oral exams because neither the teachers nor the students fully understood what they were supposed to be regurgitating.
crash
Wow – thank you so much for sharing this. Fascinating.
Are you in the US now? It would be so interesting to hear your perspective on everything……
Anon
He is not the man I trust for this debate. There are real issues of free speech on college campuses that need to be discussed on both sides, but it should be handled by someone much more sincere than him.
Anon
Did you really just “both sides” this? Real people are having their education (students) and livelihoods (faculty and staff) impacted for political gain. This is not a “both sides” problem. I’m not sure what is on the news outside of Florida, but the state university system is not a bunch of radicals. It would be laughable if not for the damage the governor’s already inflicted. Even New College is incredibly tame compared to the historically lefty colleges the governor is trying to lump them in with.
Anon
Not anon above, but I’m a professor and I think it’s fine to acknowledge that there are legitimate free speech issues on both sides while also being clear that what’s happening in Florida is on a completely different level and will have an incredibly detrimental effect on the state’s higher education system.
Anon
Flip side: DEI has created some serious academic freedom and free speech issues. Specifically, the mandates to sign on to DEI (which sounds great from 30,000 feet and with a feel-good gloss) for all academic jobs – serious 1A issues there. There are also pragmatic issues: DEI is the language of people who went to specific schools and are in specific circles. I heard (very reliable source) of a department that had to fight to hire a non-native English speaking POC over a white lady, because the white lady was really good at mouthing the appropriate DEI words. Foreign-born POC was unfamiliar with it all, despite having actual experience in teaching, mentoring, and working with underserved populations.
Monday
I see the problem with required language and cultural cues. But I don’t see a problem with requiring signing a DEI statement for academic jobs. If the statement is about affirming the presence and value of people in legally protected classes at the university, and treating them equitably, then I think it’s reasonable to exclude applicants who can’t get on board with that.
Anon
+1 to Monday
Anonymous
*DEI is the language of people who went to specific schools and are in specific circles.*
This. It’s been a problem for decades.
It was a problem for me when I was filling out college applications in 1990 coming from a place where we addressed all of the issues but in completely different language and I didn’t understand what virtue I was supposed to be signaling in my essays.
And it was a problem for foreign academics applying to work at . . . wait for it . . . an international high school, in the mid-90s, when they did not understand that “diversity” had only one meaning to the interviewers and the one they knew as non-native speakers from other cultures wasn’t it. Instead of the interviewers probing further and maybe explaining, they were simply dismissed as “a bad fit” because they only wanted someone who “spoke the language.” Ironic.
Seventh Sister
Agree on the specific schools and in specific circles. It’s also dependent on the environment – in my kids’ K-12 school district, it has a very specific, simplistic meaning to The Powers That Be (it’s only about race, not class, and kids with disabilities are not part of the discussion).
Anonymous
This position is intellectually dishonest; you’re using “free speech” to mean two very different things. The right to free speech prohibits the government from interfering with citizens’ right to speech. It does NOT mean, everyone gets an equal turn with the talking stick and we as a society need to quietly and respectfully treat all ideas as if they have equal intellectual value.
The “problem” of “free speech” on college campuses that conservative are always going on about is that higher ed tends to be a leftist echo chamber where everyone one ups each other to be the most enlightened aka woke. That’s always been the case, the ivory tower eggheads have always been out of touch. So what. The actual problem is that conservatives are so b!tt hurt that they didn’t get to be the cool kids in college that they’ve now decided that everyone who doesn’t agree with them is the enemy. They’re invoking government power to enforce their way of thinking – which is exactly what the first amendment prohibits. And also runs contrary to traditional conservative notions of small government.
Anonymous
I think this has changed a lot in the last few years. This has nothing to do with FL and what they are trying to do with this law, but there is a separate and developing problem with speech on campus, which is what the comment was referencing – just look at what has been happening at law schools with certain judges coming on campus or even outside trips.
I don’t agree with the views of the Federalist Society, but it is insane to me that they could not have a federal judge speak openly on campus at Stanford, as just one example. Or look at what happened with Cornell and student protests over what could be taught in class.
I’ve always been left-leaning and that has generally meant being for free speech rights, whether you agree with the speech or not. This is not the case anymore in a lot of so called lefty circles and i think it is troubling. I think the comment above wasn’t trying to both sides it, just acknowledging the issue exists in a broader context.
Runcible Spoon
The government suppression and control of speech in academia (and elsewhere) is unconstitutional, period. Academic freedom is a cornerstone of higher education. The Florida legislature and its current governor seem to be seeking to work around speech and employment protections for professors by eliminating tenure in state colleges and universities, converting the academics into ordinary at-will government employees, with all the legal restrictions that status entails. It’s a death-knell for free academic research and study, and our country will suffer for it.
Anon
It’s awful and I want to add that it’s not new behavior and other countries facing the corruption / right wing culture wars / authoritarianism nexus have already done the same: Russia and Hungary.
Aside from how shit this policy is, I also hate that so many in America view the principle role of higher education in the terms that Ron DeSantis put it: to get a job. Ron DeSantis has basically said: there’s no point in higher education to the expansion and passage of human knowledge. Florida is basically saying: we don’t have higher education, we have trade schools.
HUGE WIN
GOOD MORNING!!
I just want to share with SOMEONE some great news! I was recently told that my last day would be this Friday. (I was being fired).
Well… within 4 days, I was offered a HUGE job for which I had been interviewing!! I’m so excited and can hardly wait! When I notified my managers, they were surprisingly supportive and we were able to message to everyone internally that I’m leaving for this opp. I have a tad bit of imposter going on but I also know that after a few years, the current place just wasn’t a great fit and I wasn’t showing up as my best self.
Anyway… EEEEK!
Panda Bear
Congrats!
Cornellian
Congrats!
Anonymous
Woo-hoo, SO happy for you! Congratulations!!
PolyD
That’s fantastic! Congratulations!!
Anon
Wow!! Congratulations!!
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo!! Heartiest congratulations!!!
Anon
NICE! My mom would have said “see? everything works out in the end” or “everything happens for a reason” and it’s actually true for you!
Anon
what does a woman in her late 30s wear to an outdoor DMB concert in a hot/humid climate?
Anon
Athleta.
Cat
I’d wear denim cutoffs, cute but not expensive sneakers (grass stains, people stepping on them), and a slouchy top bc I don’t do crop tops.
anon
Cute top, denim shorts, sneakers
Anonymous
Shorts and t-shirt.
Also lots of sunscreen and a hat because I have wonderbread white burn-now-might-tan-later skin.
And walking shoes, and moisture wicking socks.
Anon
There is a time and a place for Athleta and DMB is not it!
+1 to the recommendations for Jean shorts, cute top, white sneaks
Anon
Queen of Sparkles.
here she goes
oooh now I really want a queen of sparkles outfit for the Stevie Nicks/Billy Joel concert we’re going to this summer….
Senior Attorney
Oh, I think that would be the perfect occasion for Queen of Sparkles!!
anon
Not the OP, but if anybody has recommendations for cute cutoffs that provide a little coverage, I am all ears! A 4″ inseam is as short as I’ll go, and a 5″ inseam is better. (I’m also pretty tall, so I assure you that a 5″ short is still plenty short.)
Cat
I like Kut from the Kloth for my pear hips.
here she goes
Check out Abercrombie High Rise Dad Short.
Anon
If you’re really tall, Amalli Talli has cute shorts.
Otherwise, many of Boden’s shorts are longer (and preppier), but they look great.
Anonymous
I just literally cut off a pair of jeans, lol.
Anonymous
No advice (except jhorts give me swamp @ss) but we’re taking my son and it will be his first concert and I’m over the moon excited about it! We’re biking there so I’ll probably just wear Lulu shorts and a T-shirt. I wish I had a cute romper to wear…
Anonymous
Cute sundress with bike shorts underneath and keds/similar comfy shoes
Anon
Ugh bike shorts under something in hot and humid earthier sound awful and very uncomfortable to me.
Anon
Oh but chub rub is so much worse! I like cotton bike shorts. (I’m not 11:50)
Anon
My MIL is looking into dating for the first time in 35 years and has, for some reason, come to me for help (I assume she feels awkward bringing this up with her son). She’s 60, still working, outgoing, in shape, has been divorced for five years now. She’s a little intense for me sometimes, but a genuinely good person and could be catch for a nice liked-minded guy. She isn’t particularly tech savvy though – she was a little mystified by the concept of the apps and kept asking me if she should create an anonymous email :) I suggested Bumble but I think it’s a little much for her. Does anyone know if Meetic is still around? Any other pointers for anyone looking to date in their 60s? I told her she could text me her location before any dates and I would make sure it was going ok, but I’m not too sure what to suggest other than that.
AIMS
We have a 70 year old relative who just met someone on Tinder. I would just help her create a profile and look thru the available pool to get her started.
Anon
I would avoid the apps. They don’t work, by design – check out Bumble’s SEC filing regarding the hit to its revenue if a lot of its users get married. Sure it can be good for going on dates, which is helpful if she needs to get her toes wet. Otherwise, I suggest joining activities. Senior Attorney raves about the cycling club for creating marriages, for example.
Anon
Hmm, interesting. I don’t think she cycles but I should maybe introduce her to Meetup and let her find something she likes.
Senior Attorney
Also if she is willing to do running or hiking, there are a ton of guys in those clubs.
Anon
The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Anon
My female cousins in Alaska say that! As far as I can tell, they’re correct.
Anon
Haha we said this at MIT although my class was actually pretty close to 50-50. The latter half of the statement was totally true though.
Anon
That statement needs to be pushed back on. It’s just wrong, and it’s the mantra of commitment-phobes. While it is maybe correct for, eg, rural Alaska, it isn’t true of most areas that men congregate.
Maybe if you’re mentally still in high school, the men in running groups are “odd” because they are engineers or appellate attorneys or other professions that attract smart, shy, responsible men. But two of those are exactly what women should be looking for and the other is probably not a deal breaker for many people.
Anon
I’m the person who made the comment about it being saying at MIT. I have nothing against nerdy, mildly socially awkward scientists and engineers. I’m married to one and he’s great. But a lot of guys at MIT had very toxic attitudes about women. I think it’s a combination of many hetero men being threatened by women who are as smart or smarter (not specific to STEM circles), and the fact that many guys in MIT were relegated to nerd circles in high school and had no luck with dating and were still bitter about it. It’s like that scene in the Social Network where Rooney Mara tells the Zuckerberg character “you’re going to go through life thinking women don’t like you because you’re smart. That’s not true. It’s because you’re an a-hole.” It isn’t so much “odd” but deeply misogynistic that’s the problem.
Anon
Oh FFS…. I said it as a person who has been around running and cycling groups for YEARS. For every salt of the earth, self sufficient, equal partner single guy there, there are many more serial monogamists who treats it as a meat market. Peter Pans congregate to these sports. Fun, cute, charming and never, ever grow up.
Anon
Edit to add: If she’s looking for a fling, the running/cycling dudes are a good bet, though.
Anon
Not a practical suggestion, but I feel like a screening of Book Club might be in order :)
Anon
Ha – I haven’t seen it but it looks fun!
Anon
It’s not groundbreaking but I thought it was funny and sweet. And one of the main characters is delving into online dating (Bumble, actually) for the first time in her 70s.
Anonymous
Classes or courses for people in her age range? Like a wine tasting class or a seniors hiking group? Or a book club at the local library?
Anon
Every single book club I’ve been a part of has been 100% female, so I’m not sure if that helps, although it’s a good way to make new friends (who might know some good guys I guess). My suggestion would actually be to get involved in local politics – I do that for personal reasons, but I’ve met a lot of cool people that way and I know several people who have started relationships after sitting on a committee and campaigning together.
Anon
Just show her how to use the apps, 60 isn’t so old hat she won’t figure it out.
PJ
Tell her to get the word out in her real life networks!
Emma
I think she’s tried that and failed so far, and is therefore coming to me to try the online dating thing.
Emma
Woops, I was being anon for this. Oh well, not a big deal.
anonshmanon
happens to me all the time, lol!
Anon
My 60 year old friend has been divorced for a few years. Honestly, she has many, many guys interested in her, but many seem to ignore the part of her profile where she indicates, well just about everything in her profile. Smokers, MAGA, married guys all contact her despite her clear parameters. I wish I could be more encouraging.
Anon
Ugh. I mean I haven’t dated in a while, but that was also my experience. I’m not sure if I should warn MIL or just let her find out on her own about the perils of online dating. Hopefully there will be some good ones out there for her.
crash
Oh, please warn her. You really need to warn her. Also, if she is financially well off, she has to be warned about the scammers….
Anon
PSA: do not include information about your financial status in your online dating profile., especially at age 50+. You will get every grifter within a 500 mile radius.
Anon
Can you help her set up a profile on the apps? Also, does she volunteer, go to church, play pickleball, anything like that?
Anon
I could, I think she is a little awkward about it but I will offer. She goes to synagogue, but FIL was also a member and it’s a small community so I don’t think it’s a great way to meet men. She mostly goes to the gym and swims for fitness, but I’m thinking she might like the suggestion of a group activity, like maybe there is a local tennis club or something. She doesn’t volunteer as far as I know, but she likes dogs so maybe a dog shelter – not sure if that’s conducive to actually meeting people? She works in a pretty female-dominated field so she probably won’t meet someone at work.
Senior Attorney
Is there a swim team she can join?
Senior Attorney
I met my husband in my late 50s at my local Rotary Club (and I’m not the only one). It’s where the good guys (who want to give back to the community) are. Just a thought.
Anonymous
I would agree with this based on the mid 40s guys I know in Rotary. They’ll still be gems in another 15 years.
Anon
My husband is a Rotarian. We didn’t meet that way, but I heartily endorse dating Rotarians and, believe it or not, men who were Eagle Scouts.
Anonymous
My dad (70) met his girlfriend in a cooking club. He is also in a wine tasting club (Knights of the Vine) that appears to have a lot of eligible 60s-70s single members. Also, I hear that the country club gym is a happening spot for retirees!
anon
Interesting – thanks for sharing!
I would love to be in both a cooking and wine tasting club. But I always assumed it would be mostly women, which is fine for a club, but I wouldn’t mind making some male friends too.
Anonymous
Learn to kayak course? DH took up kayaking in his 30s but there were a fair number of newly retired people in their late 50s in his first classes.
Jules
I started using an app (Match, which seemed to be most common for middle-age types in my area, but a friend later used and had decent luck with Bumble also) after a long marriage, at 56. I had a friend take my photos and look at my profile, it wasn’t hard to learn to use it.
There are a LOT of oddballs out there, probably more in the over-50 crowd. (And yes, there were plenty of men who apparently never looked at my profile before responding). The process is often discouraging, not gonna lie. I did have a few dates with a really great guy who was just not the guy for me, and then met the man I had an on-and-off relationship with for about three years. (He was an amazing person who also had significant mental health issues that eventually split us up, but it wasn’t the app’s fault.)
I’m now 63 and I met my current SO of four years standing at a local wine shop where the Friday night wine tastings with live music attract a lot of different types but are mostly a party for the over 50 and over 60 sets.
So, she should try the apps, with open eyes and low expectations, but also just get out there in a variety of situations where other people her age (and not just women – no book clubs!) can be found.
She also should put out the word that she’s interested in dating, her friends might know great men to introduce her to. I also dated for a few months a friend’s ex-H; he reached out to me after their daughter passed on her mother’s recommendation of me. (It sounds weird but was not, they were long divorced and there was no bitterness or weirdness.)
Sending hugs and good wishes to your MIL, I’ve been there!
Ellen
It is weird when older people start using apps and re-enter the dating world. Personally, I am now being approached in the stores by men who have recently been divorced. They see that I am not married, and compared to them, I am probably considered very young and approachable. One guy on Sunday came up to me in Bloomies and invited me to lunch. He was not that old (50 or so) but he recently separated from his wife, and his 3 grown kids. I told him that I was a partner in a law firm and that got me into a discussion about his divorce settlement. I could picture myself being his ex, who probably was not much older then me, and she had 3 grown children! I suppose I should feel lucky that I was not her, someone with 3 grown children but no other financial means of support other than this guy who has to pay her $5000 per month, which is not a huge amount at all, especially in NYC. She got to stay in their condominum but she also has to pay the maintence of over $2000 per month. He said she is looking for work, but is not computer savvy. I am glad I am not her. At least I have my own money, and am NOT dependent on a man to support me at my age. FOOEY!
AIMS
We use a cleaning service and have had the same person coming to clean twice a month for about 6 years. We recently had to switch days and as a result will no longer have the same person coming. I feel bad as we have developed a nice relationship over all these years and I wanted to send a quick text just saying thanks for everything and explaining that it was just a scheduling issue and wishing them well. Would a Venmo tip be appropriate here? If so, how much? Cost of a cleaning? $50? This is a new situation for me.
Curious
I love the idea of a Venmo tip in whatever amount you can manage. I think the gesture will matter hugely and the cash be appreciated no matter what.
NYCer
I don’t think there is necessarily a right answer here, but I would probably do the cost of a cleaning.
Curious
Qq — does anyone have linen pants they like? Apparently summers are just going to bake here from now on, and I need things I can wear to my casual office that cover my legs.
Anon
I just bought three pairs of wide leg linen pants from Old Navy and they’re great.
Anonymous
Co-sign this!
Curious
Oh, nice, I’ll look.
Smokey
I did the same. Go down a size.
Anon
Definitely, I had to return mine because they were huge (and I think of myself as a larger person!) and when I went to reorder the smaller size, it had sold out in the color I wanted. :/
Anonymous
Athleta, Caslon, J Crew
anon
I like Athleta’s linen pants.
Anon
I like the pull on linen pants from Talbots, but they may be too casual for your office.
Anon
No such thing in linen. Your best bet is a lighter weight pant. Anthropologie makes some cute ones in their Maeve line with a lightweight proprietary fabric that looks much crisper.
Curious
Thank you!
Anon
Um, she asked for pants and linen pants definitely exist . . .
Anon
No, she asked for linen pants people LIKE and my answer remains no such thing. So I gave her an alternative that’s a lot better that I LIKE.
Anon
I like my linen pants from Dillard’s.
PolyD
I love all my linen pants! Are they “polished”? No, but we don’t all need to be polished all the time.
Anon
Wow, this was unnecessarily aggressive. And also off-putting in its wrongness. I’m wearing linen pants right now that I love.
Anon
Linen pants are an essential if you’re traveling in a hot, humid climate like SE Asia. They’re not ‘fancy’ but I definitely couldn’t live without them.
Cora
I bought two pairs like this from Madewell. A little price-y but I love how they fit.
PolyD
Loft has some nice linen blend pants, too. They work for me here in humid DC. I totally wear them to work at my casual office and I also have worn them to shows (think Kennedy Center) in the summer, where they are perfect in the often overly- air conditioned indoors, and then cool enough for drinks outside.
BB
Boden has these tailored linen pants that would totally be appropriate for a casual/business casual office. Of course, I got mine with a jungle print, but they also have navy!
Anonymous
Another Seattle-ite here! I wore J Crew Factory’s Wide Leg Paper Bag Pant yesterday with a Muji linen sweater. Comfy and stayed cool. Would size down if you’re in between sizes. Note that they’re the perfect ankle length on my short legs
Anon
I would suggest any of the chinos from Talbots for the office. Linen pants are great but to me they’re a weekend look. They’ll be rumpled immediately.
HFB
Garnet Hill.
Anonymous
Random low stakes question. Do you buy beautiful statement type pants and skirts and neutral tops? Or the reverse, beautiful blouses and shirts and relatively neutral bottoms. It appears that I buy both statement tops and bottoms and therefore have a huge wardrobe where nothing goes together. Thanks.
Anon
Neutral bottoms (black, navy) and colourful tops. A habit I’ve had to break is the impulse to buy tops in black! It seems like such a no-brainer to buy black tops because they seem like a staple, but then I don’t have bottoms to wear with them since I don’t like wearing black and back together (unless they match on purpose like with a suit).
anon
YES. I will occasionally buy black casual tops because I can wear them with jeans, but I don’t own any black work tops! Black is not my best color, though, so ymmv.
anon
For the most part, I buy neutral pants and more colorful tops. I find that it’s just easier for me, and since I don’t love my hip and thigh area, I prefer the sleekness of a neutral bottom.
Anonymous
On the flip side -I’m apple shaped and a statement pant balances me out and makes me feel awesome. I think this has a lot to do with body shape.
anonshmanon
totally agree! Highlight whatever you feel most confident about!
Anon
Neutral bottoms, beautiful tops. The tops are what people see on Zoom or when you’re sitting at a table.
Cat
neutral bottoms for sure.
Anon
I do both. I prefer statement bottoms but I also need something fun to wear on top with jeans!
PolyD
I’m also a both, although more neutral bottoms than statement ones.
I did buy a pair of black wide leg crop pants embroidered with little blue and white flowers from Ann Taylor recently… Back when I was going to the office daily I had a couple of pairs of plaid ankle pants that I absolutely loved. Sadly they don’t fit anymore.
Worried
I try to keep my bottoms neutral…that is until I see a beautiful print on a skirt, then I end up wearing the skirt with a selection of non- print tops. I love prints of all kinds, and as a result, it takes longer to get dressed at times. I read an article somewhere that a print that has longevity is one that is interesting enough to keep looking at, but not so overwhelming you would tire of it. I have many of these in my closet:). What can I say…I need more dresses to solve this!
Anne-on
Neutral bottoms and interesting tops. I feel like colorful/fun bottoms go in and out of style relatively quickly (plenty of us on this board had pencil skirts in all sorts of colors and colorful skinny slacks) whereas neutral bottoms are just easier to wear long term.
Interestingly enough I just saw a tiktok that explained that the ‘nice top and jeans’ formula for younger people is ‘fun pants and a tank top’ which seems true based on the teens/20-somethings I know. I don’t love the mom jeans trend so I’m totally fine sticking with my dated (I’ll call it classic but whatever) elder millenial fashion.
Celia
I do neutral bottoms. In part that’s because my weight fluctuation is in the bottoms so I tend to have 2 sizes of neutrals to get me along! I have so many statement bottoms that I never wear because of fit and it’s just depressing!
crash
I hear you sister. Same same…
go for it
Statement bottoms with neutral tops all the way, long legs and overall thin so the prints give the illusion! of hips.
Anon
I used to have a statement skirt but didn’t wear it much. I’m too self conscious about my lower half shape to wear statement pants. I’m a neutral bottoms person for sure, and in fact usually a dark bottoms person.
anon
I’m 42 and I’m following a number of instagram influencers who say women with mature skin shouldn’t be using powder because it settles so easily into fine lines. I see what they’re saying, but when I go without setting powder, I look oily and unfinished (not dewy) by mid-day. I have tried a couple of setting sprays and haven’t loved them. They feel sticky on my face and don’t seem to control the shine. So, midlife ladies, is there a fine powder or a better setting spray that I should be using? Especially heading into summer, I’m much more likely to look greasy than dry (though the fine lines are definitely still there).
Anonymous
What skin type are the influencers assuming when they are giving this advice — are they taking oily skin into consideration, or do they assume that you have normal or dry skin? Makes a huge difference.
anon
Maybe not. There seems to be an assumption that as we age, our skin gets drier. Mine has maybe slightly, but I’ve always had combination skin. Normal on the cheeks, oilier t-zone. I do get dry underneath the eyes, but that’s about it.
AIMS
I like blotting papers for what you describe. I just dab when I start to veer into greasy and not dewy.
Anon
+1 to blotting papers. Also, you could try a matte primer.
Anonymous
If you look oily then go for the powder. You’re only 42. I’m 60 and powder only started really aging me in the last few years.
Anon
I mean look in the mirror at your own face? I don’t have that issue and always wear powder.
Worried
I’m in my early 50s and I simply ignore this advice. I have dry skin with an oily t zone and the key is to use less overall product. I use foundation and mix it with a bit of cream or squalene oil over my sunscreen, since without this step everything is too dry. I then use a small bushy make up brush NOT a powder brush, and simply dab powder on nose t zone to set the foundation. I use a tiny amount of powder and it slightly settles, but the alternative of not setting is the makeup sliding off, esp in Summer heat. Currently using an inexpensive Rommel powder but I’ve used Mac in the past too.
anon
Thanks, this is helpful.
Anonymous
I’m almost 40 and use powder every day because my face is oily. I’m more careful about brushing excess powder out of places that will crease, like under my eyes. I use Laura mercier setting powder.
Anon
42 =/= the beauty buzzword “mature skin.” “Mature skin” is code for retired / elderly / senior citizen. Use powder, use blotting papers, whatever you want. I’d also recommend following different beauty bloggers with a grip on reality. Emilynoel83 on YouTube, IG, and TikTok is my favorite. She’s 38, I think.
Anon
That’s not true. A lot of the stuff I’ve seen is aimed at me, in my 50s and still working. And has been since I was late 40s. The needs are different. I have more fine lines and drier skin now. I also have to use sheerer products now, full foundation just doesn’t sit well on my skin anymore, and this is typical.
Anon
Use powder if you want to use powder. I like a pressed powder so I don’t pick up too much, and I apply it with a loose brush (brushes advertised as highlighter brushes are perfect) and tap it out before I put it on.
I only powder my inner face – inner cheeks, center of chin, center of forehead – because I am fine with the dewy look on my outer cheeks.
The setting spray vs. powder thing is generational, and a lot of it comes from the “glass skin” trend, which doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve never found a setting spray that didn’t either feel like spraying my face with scented water (mac) or hairspray (illamasqua)
Anon
also, I don’t put powder in the places where I have fine lines. For instance, I don’t “bake” my undereye concealer, and I also don’t use a ton of it. For some reason the IG/tik tok makeup artists ONLY use powder under the eyes, and that’s the last place I’d use it on my own face.
Anonymous
Calling seasoned travelers and shoppers, please explain to me like I’m five:
1. How does the VAT refund work when you’re traveling in Europe (EU vs UK)? I can’t tell if there are form to prep ahead of time or if it’s a claim at the end of your trip?
2. Relatedly, is duty free shopping (of luxury goods) in the airport actually a good deal / idea?
Specifically, I’ll be in Belgium & the Netherlands with a short stop in London later this summer….and I may be in the market for a designer wallet and / or small purse. Any tips? Not set on a specific brand.
Besides that, I always love browsing shops and will take all your recs of favorite areas…especially in Bruges and Rochefort
Anonymous
There is no VAT refund in London so that’s easy. There used to be but not now. For Belgium just google it tons of info but no pre arrival form. When you shop ask for the form and then at the end of the trip turn it in at the airport.
Cat
Also have your passport with you when you shop. Some stores will help with the paperwork right there, but I think you still ultimately have to turn the paperwork in when you’re flying home.
Emma
For VAT refund in the EU: you need the store to give you a VAT refund store form. Most larger/fancy stores will have it, and it’s only really worth it for larger purchases. I you are at a department store they usually have an VAT refund office somewhere for the forms. Then when you get to the airport you need to find the VAT refund counter. At least at Paris CDG, it’s in the baggage claim area (before you go through security, so make sure you have a little extra time). There is a booth, you scan the form, you insert a credit card, and they refund you. The booths can get a little busy but it’s actually very quick once you get there.
Anon
Agree with all of this. I think there’s a minimum purchase level so it worked when I bought a handbag, but not for smaller items. Last time I went I also bought some pricey shoes, filled out the form correctly, and they were over the minimum, but I still didn’t get the refund. Only for the handbag.
Anokha
There are both forms to fill out beforehand and you claim it at the end of your trip. If the item that you want is available at the airport, I would pick duty free at the airport over buying it in a city and seeking reimbursement at the airport.
BB
EU: Take your passport with you when you shop. Most stores (but not all) will fill out a form for you to get a VAT refund. Depending on the city and the company doing the refund, there are a few ways you can get this. All the options require you to get a customs stamp at the airport confirming that you’re leaving the country. Option 1: Some of the services have a storefront in the city where they will half process your return, get your credit card info for the refund, and then you put your custom-stamped receipt into a prepaid envelope at the airport. Option 2: Do this same thing but all at the airport (depends on how early you get there and how much time you have – these lines can be LOOOONG). Option 3: Do this at the airport but get cash back instead of credit card refund. This is on the spot but usually there’s a 5-10% fee. The credit card refund thing can take anywhere from 30-90 days. Take pictures of your receipts so you can track them!
In the UK, the above process doesn’t exist. The only way to avoid the VAT tax is for the store to ship it directly to your home outside the country. Some stores will do this, but most will not.
(Yup…I buy a lot of stuff on Europe trips :) )
Anon
I did this in Italy last year. Brought my passport when shopping and the sales associates were very good about explaining exactly what to do. Brought paperwork to the kiosk at the airport, got a stamp, followed their instructions, and refund was on my credit card within a couple of weeks. It was honestly pretty easy and everyone at every step expected me to not fully understand all the steps and were very accommodating. I have to say though that when I traveled to Paris a few months ago, the line at the kiosk looked INSANE, so I was glad I didn’t buy anything — make sure you get to the airport extra early.
FWIW of all my purchases, I’ve been insanely happy with my Prada wallet and Ferragamo reversible belt.
Anonymous
I’ve submitted the VAT forms before but I’m not convinced I’ve ever actually gotten my refund. They say it takes a long time so maybe I’ve just forgotten about it by the time the refund comes through.
As for duty free shopping, I haven’t price checked luxury goods, though I’ll say the selection tends to be pretty limited. It’s worth poking around but I wouldn’t bet on finding exactly the right thing. Fwiw I have price checked alcohol and I usually go with duty free for price and convenience. If I want to bring a bottle of something back from abroad and I’m not terribly picky about brand (I’d want to bring beer from Belgium!), I’ll pick it up at duty free so I don’t have to cart it around during my trip. This assumes you don’t have layovers that would require you to check duty free liquids, though.
Anon
I got my one and only Hermes scarf at duty free. It was a good deal and they had a pattern that I hadn’t seen but really loved. I wouldn’t have bought one if I hadn’t seen this pattern. The sales lady was very knowledgeable and pulled it out of a drawer for me.
CreditRisk
Pick what you want before you go on your trip and call the store so they have it for you.
Know that purses are a different size in Europe compared to the US. It’s annoying but this is why you order ahead.
Wildkitten
Shopping help! I need a dress for a wedding (as a guest) because I wore the same dress to every event last summer and people are about to notice. I’d like to spend under $300, ideally under $150, a fit to accentuate my bust and legs and hide my tummy (maybe a-line mini-skirt?). Royal purple in my dreams, but I’m open to being mind blown by something else.
DC Pandas
I snagged a used dress on thread-up a few months ago that might fit the bill. Mine is navy, but I also saw it floating around in lavender. “J Crew Silk Chiffon Heidi Dress”
It has boning in the corset, a nice waist with a flowing skirt, and you could hem it to a more modern length. High recommend.
DC Pandas
A bit long for your needs, but you could always hem this.
https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?pid=549328001&vid=2&tid=bfpl000032&kwid=1&ap=7&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw04yjBhApEiwAJcvNoQ-l7k2a53-aczcuTwFb6nCFbcx9gfs_Ro94yUrBiudxdC7uNdNAzhoClngQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#pdp-page-content
wildkitten
Oooh I’m in love but am more of a 14 than a 4 :-D I’ll have to learn how to search on poshmark.
Anonymous
What to try when your hair just doesn’t seem to get clean? I wash my hair daily in the morning but by evening it’s getting greasy already. I’ve tried three different shampoos, including a clarifying shampoo (in case the problem is buildup). I’ve tried rinsing an extra long time (in case I’m not getting all the suds out). I just don’t understand what’s going on. Could it be our water? We’re on a well, moved in about 6 months ago and we’re still learning how to maintain everything. We put more salt in it not long ago.
Curious
Is it possible you’re actually stripping it so much that you’re encouraging increased oil production? I’m not sure how you back off from that — heavy doses of dry shampoo for a bit, plus a sulfate-free shampoo?
Curious
I’m thinking a bit more about this. My hair is always limper and softer at my parents’ house (on well water). Is there a chance that that read as oily to you? I generally use more volumizing / texturizing products when I’m there, and it helps.
OP
My shampoos are all sulfate free!
I’ve always needed to wash my hair daily. I have fine hair, any oil shows really quickly. During the pandemic, I tried for months to extend by using dry shampoo, but my hair always just looked oily.
Anon
Use one with sulfates and see if it makes a difference. Maybe style your hair with dry shampoo as well. I don’t mean second day hair – I mean first day hair.
Anyway, I never feel like my hair gets clean with sulfate-free shampoos.
Anonymous
+1. Sulfate-free shampoo doesn’t work for my family. Maybe we are just exceptionally oily. Nothing cleans as well as cheapo Suave.
Anon
You’re probably washing it too much and too harshly.
anonshmanon
part of this could be that the water temp is too hot.
Anon
Probably hard water. I have this issue too and constantly cycle through shampoos. There are some hard water rinses that I’ve tried, but I also sometimes rinse with vinegar. My current blend of shampoo seems to be working for now, but I’m sure it will be discontinued soon and then I’ll have to experiment again to find something that works. I basically just try anything labeled clarifying or oily and rotate through 2-3 at a time. Some work, some don’t.
Anonymous
Counterpoint: my hair (fine, easily greasy) loooves hard water. With hard water I have great hair with volume, no grease for 2 days. Soft water: greasy by night.
DC Inhouse Counsel
Make sure you’re only using condition on the ends, not at the roots. If I use condition at the roots, my hair feels really greasy shortly after.
Anon
Yes, this too.
Anonymous
My MIL is on well water and they add softener to already soft water. She has sensitive skin and doesn’t wash her hair more often than weekly so it works for her. But my hair skews greasy. My hair looks cleaner after 3 days of not washing than one wash at her house. You simply cannot get the shampoo out. So maybe try cutting down the salt and see if you notice an improvement. Or get a hotel somewhere, wash your hair and see if that changes things.
Anon
For hard water, this stuff is awesome: https://www.iherb.com/pr/cp-1-raspberry-treatment-vinegar-500-ml/106989
I have no idea how you’re supposed to use it, but I apply after shampooing and let it sit for a while before rinsing out.
Oily Hair
I have similar issues with my hair, I recently switched to Verb Ghost shampoo and it’s made a world of difference! I work at home so I don’t need to shampoo as often as you, but I noticed a change after the first wash.
Anonymous
Would recommend Aveda Rosemary and mint shampoo.
Suphate free, does not encourage grease.
Anon
Any asthma/allergy sufferers with suggestions? I’ve been really miserable lately. I have mild asthma, and my allergies are making me wheezy with lots of coughing and ear pressure. Zyrtec and saline nose spray isn’t cutting it. We have a ton of pollen out right now.
Anon
Oh gosh! I’m a seasonal allergy sufferer and this has been the worst year I’ve had, probably in my entire life. I am taking Zyrtec, Singulair, Allegra, and Claritin, along with saline spray 2x a day and Flonase. I still have to have the occasional Benadryl on particularly bad days. And I have to sleep with a humidifier. I don’t know what else to do at this point! Commiseration!
Anon
That’s way too many OTC meds – talk to your doctor and get a good RX med.
crash
+1
Wow – I hope you are followed by an allergist.
Anon
Air purifier. I run mine at night and it makes a huge difference in sleeping without coughing all night. Sudafed might help with ear pressure. You need the real kind from behind the pharmacy counter.
Anonymous
+1 million for an air purifier. I have a BlueAir in every room of the house and they are life-changing. And see your doctor (do you have an allergist or a pulmonologist?) about the asthma. A steroid inhaler makes an enormous difference in my quality of life.
anon
+1 to air purifier. I have one in almost every room of my house. Also helpful if you’re in an area that gets wildfire smoke or weather patterns that trap pollution. Also helpful for gatherings or if only some members of your household are sick.
Mrs. Jones
I do Zyrtec and nose spray and also generic singulair.
Anonymous
I think you probably need an inhaler. I generally have very mild allergies but this year has been horrible. I’ve had two sinus infections already. Everyone in my family takes Zyrtec daily. I took pseudoephedrine for a month – I’ve never taken it for more than 5 days in a row before. My youngest (2) has RAD (so pre-asthma) and he takes Zyrtec, Flonase daily and Advair twice a day. The Advair keeps him from getting really sick. I give him saline as often as he will let me. It’s been miserable but no one has been hospitalized yet.
Anon
My allergist has me on Allegra (AM), Xyzal or Claritin (PM), and Singulair, as well as Alaway eye drops, and the saline spray or rinse. This seems to be working for me but the Singulair is especially essential.
anon
I have suffered from allergies for most of my adult life and i started getting allergy shot therapy about a year and a half ago. Total game changer. it’s made such a difference and I have reduced my OTC medication intake from every day during allergy season to maybe twice a season. I have to go for maintenance shots every 3-5 weeks for a few more months but it is mostly covered by my insurance and so completely worth it. Might be worth getting a consultation.
allerJEEEEEEZ
Sympathy from me.
Here’s what I’d do –
1) talk to your pharmacist about OTC options to help in the short term. My regimen is Zyrtec year round + Flonase in peak pollen season + Patanol eye drops as needed
1a) manage physical irritants – air purifier (I have the Shark, it was $200) + have HVAC filters cleaned + change bedding more often + use eyewash + rinse hair before bed (sucks but if you’re really suffering it may be the lesser evil) + maybe upgrade from saline spray to neti pot for a more thorough rinse
2) see your doc about RX options to better manage – if you feel like you’ve exhausted the conversation with your primary, see an allergist
Anon
I just have allergies, but my PA friend who has both allergies and asthma says the otc allergy meds like zyrtec, claritin and one other I can’t remember the name of stop working over time, and you have to switch it up. He’s right, in my experience. I’m about ready to switch back to generic zyrtec after about a year on daily claritin/loratidine.
Anon
(PA = physician’s associate/medical professional)
Anon
I haven’t tried this yet but I was told by someone they have been able to reduce symptoms with ginger juice. It’s low risk so I plan to try it. Ginger does reduce inflammation along with some other positive effects.
Essential in Texas
I am a lifelong allergy sufferer. I did shots for 10 years to much success, but there are a few other things you should try. 1) Remember that OTC medicines treat the symptoms, but aren’t a solution. 2) rinse your hair every night before bed. You don’t need to wash it, but rinse out the day. 3) change your pillow case every day – otherwise, you wake up after laying in pollen all night. 4) air purifiers. Blue Air has been the best for us. You can get them on Amazon Day deals. WORTH IT. 5) Run your AC. 6) Don’t drive with your windows down. 7) Find an allergist and commit to solving the problem.
I beg all of you to consider the side effects before taking Singulair.
Oily Hair
I have similar issues with my hair, I recently switched to Verb Ghost shampoo and it’s made a world of difference! I work at home so I don’t need to shampoo as often as you, but I noticed a change after the first wash.