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Anonforthis
DH is in the early stages of realizing and dealing with an addiction. He’s acknowledged it’s there independently and has tried to quit a couple times over the past 6 months. He hasn’t gotten any professional help or joined any programs. (He’s in a high enough profile job there could be some reputational/career impacts but tbh I think it’s just avoidance.) Does anyone have any experience or advice? I’m empathic to the underlying trauma that started this but starting to feel really emotionally burned out by it all.
Anon
Therapy for yourself. He needs to take charge of his own path, which starts by going to a meeting (AA or similar) today.
Friend of mine has been dealing with alcoholism for multiple years now and while I have been only tangentially involved it is hard. I can’t imagine dealing with this as a spouse without my own support.
Anonymous
Therapy for you. If he’s not doing any sort of change except from internal, he’s not dealing with his addiction and will fail again. You need support independently of him.
Senior Attorney
Don’t know about “he will fail again” but definitely therapy for you.
Go for it
Al-anon / therapy for you. DH has to want help, it is key. At this juncture so much is available via zoom there is zero reason for him not to try.
In addition, a primary focal point in all 12 step programs is anonymity. I know many many high profile people whom attend.
Anon
Same. I know some church basements in cities where the AA and NA crowds in the lunch meetings include a lot of high up white collar people. A lot shut down in COVID but have restarted. It is TH e same beast regardless of what color collar you wear, if any.
Anon
+1 to al-anon, it was helpful for me learning to cope with a parent with alcoholism
Anon
This. My family member went to rehab with a person whose name you would all know if I said it.
Consult an employment attorney, too. Is hos addiction a covered reason to take time off from work? Are there good ways to handle this or bad ways to handle it? Just because it’s avoidance doesn’t mean it isn’t also a problem.
Anon
The fact that you know this is actually evidence that confidentiality isn’t absolute.
Coach Laura
Yes, it’s pretty well known in Nashville where Tim McGraw went to AA meetings.
Anon
He would be surprised by the number of people with high-level jobs that show up in 12-step meetings. Agree with you that it’s avoidance and he should get over that and go. Also there are organizations like Al-anon for you. Wishing him the best in his recovery.
Anonymous
And there are options for addiction treatment that aren’t AA!
Anon
If he sees a person he knows at a meeting they’ll be *just* as invested in anonymity as he is. Really.
Anona
Would he discuss this with his doctor? Whether it’s therapy for the underlying trauma or medication for the physiological addiction, they’re going to take privacy seriously.
anon.
I agree with this comment and completely disagree that any type of AA or “meeting based” group is required – confidential therapy or medical discussion is important though. My DH did this through medication and therapy and I firmly believe that AA is NOT for everyone.
Anon
I agree that AA isn’t for everyone, but it frequently is what there is. It’s not like Betty Ford or other residential centers, which are $$$ and require absence from work. The key is to start somewhere and if it the faithy-ness of it makes it not for you, find something that is. But it is super-easy to walk into an AA meeting (and IMO the Al-Anon and Ala-Teen groups are more focused on individuals vs how the addict surrenders to their higher power) because they are literally everywhere. I also feel that people who dismiss it do so and then do nothing, arguing that their treatment needs are so special that they avoid seeking the help that is there. So watch for that — if they aren’t going to AA (or NA or CA or whatever), they need to go somewhere else (and that is the step I don’t always see — just the excuses).
Anon
In 2022, there should be medical options that aren’t residential centers. I do understand that AA can be the only option around, but I was thinking he probably has reasonably good to healthcare.
Anon
Just went through this over the past year with my husband. After too many drinking related incidents it had to come to me telling him the marriage was done and he had to move out. That made him realize and admit he had an addition and he stopped drinking and went to AA, and so many things improved after that. Now having said that, it has to be his decision and choice. You can support him, and I did by stopping drinking too, but it has to be all him and you need to look out for yourself.
BeenThatGuy
+1 to your last sentence. My partner is approaching 7 years of sobriety. For me, it was easy to give up alcohol because I watched it destroy him. I also did it as a sign of solidarity and support.
OP, the amount of high level executives he’s met in AA would astound you.
Anon
Cosigned. Also, NOT getting help is a much greater issue than getting help, especially if he is high up or there is a reputational risk concern. Eventually, every addict messes up and at that point, they are a liability. If they start treatment, there is less of a concern over that and the fact that he has acknowledged it and is getting help means that he will have some degree of cover if he stumbles after starting. [E.g., if he were a surgeon or a pilot, his bigger concern should be something far greater than any embarassment from starting treatment.]
Anon
This program is targeting specifically to professionals with addiction – used to be just for attorneys, they’ve expanded it now to include others in high stress professions.
https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/treatment/models/specialized-programs/professionals-program
AnonForThis
My DH struggled with his alcohol consumption and it worsened with time; eventually, it was really the birth of our daughter that seems to have really motivated him to give it up entirely because he would convince himself that, once he’d been sober for a bit, that he could start drinking “a little bit” again. And it would always escalate.
Personally, I did therapy for myself and he has sat in on a session or two so we could talk about it more in a neutral setting. But, if he’s resistant to therapy or medical treatment, I would consider getting him a book or two. That seemed to really help my husband even though I’m not sure he’d put his finger on it, but it helped him be more mindful of the impacts drinking was having on his body as well as our relationship.
Honestly, I also had to throw down a bit of an ultimatum after the first time he got too drunk after our daughter was born (maybe 3-months-in). Nothing bad happened but I told him if things continued like they were and he ever got that drunk again with the baby at home, that I’d take [child] and go until he was sober and could have a clear conversation.
Anon
> once he’d been sober for a bit, that he could start drinking “a little bit” again. And it would always escalate.
You just described my alcoholic uncle. Someone with this mindset really doesn’t want to get clean.
Coach Laura
OP, If he goes the inpatient route, it might be cheaper/better in the long run. Depending on his field, he may be able to take FMLA and just explain it as a health procedure.
My family member went to an inpatient treatment that was aimed at licensed professionals – MDs, JDs, RNs, pharmacists/PharmD, social workers. It was recommended by very knowledgeable people and it worked – 6 years sober next month. The patients all needed to get better and the comradery was better because most of the people had hard jobs and had a lot to loose. (Not that grocery store employees or non-executives don’t, but loosing a professional license can be forever.) Asking an experienced psychiatrist or addiction specialist would be a way to find a program that fits and the more tailored the place, the better. We’ve lost family members to addiction, so best wishes and I hope he finds something that works for him. Good luck.
Been there
You have to look after yourself first. Only he can make the decision to change. I went through this over a number of years. Eventually my husband made the decision to go into rehab, and then his best friend and I made it happen. It seems to be sticking, but it is hard even a year on of sobriety. Al anon and therapy were not right for me at the time. I still suspect I need to do more to unravel me and my feelings about the s@@t his drinking created. All you can do is make sure you are OK. I found it easier to talk to acquaintances rather than friend. (My dog training friend s were stars!).
Anon
First Mammo OP from last week – appointment was yesterday, whoever described it as awkward-hilarious was correct, and the tech was awesome. Got the “all clear” via app this morning! Whew! Thanks for the support all :)
Anon.
Great news!
As a fellow dense br*ast tissue person, every mammo freaks me out, but the “all clear” is such a relief, always.
Panda Bear
+1 Same here! Have also been through MRIs and biopsies – also stressful, but feels good knowing I’m doing the best I can to keep an eye on thing.
Curious
Thanks for reporting back! I always love hearing how things go.
edj3
PSA for my dense tissue sisters–spring for the 3D mammogram. It sees things much better in our dense tissue (and is why my breast cancer was caught). It wasn’t much extra, $35? Worth it, and it doesn’t feel any different than the 2D mammogram.
Anon
It’s weird you have to pay more for this. At my clinic, it’s the only option and it’s free for annual screening. I don’t have dense breasts.
edj3
Not sure I do pay extra now, I did in 2019 and that’s when the breast cancer was found.
PolyD
I think that was me – at some point you just have to laugh at them hefting your boob around like it’s a pile of pizza dough.
Happy to hear it went well and all was normal.
Nonny
lol
Adnan Syed
Any Serial fans want to chime in on the Adnan Syed case? I was glued to this in 2014 back when the podcast released and can’t believe he was finally released. I love “Season 1, Episode 13” released today, which outlines lots of the problems that ended up with the conviction being vacated.
Anon
… and I used the word “released” twice in a single sentence and three times in two sentences. Happy Tuesday everyone!
Anon
Let it go! (Pun intended)
Anon
I am not 100% sure that Adnan is innocent, and at the end of the podcast I had the sense that he knew more about Hae’s murder than he was saying, even if he had not committed the crime. But I think that A. the state did not prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt, and additionally, withheld critical information from the defense and B. Adnan’s defense counsel was clearly incompetent and he received a truly tragically inadequate defense. There’s more than enough justification, IMO, to vacate the existing conviction, and then if the prosecutors can find enough evidence to convict him, they can try him again.
Seventh Sister
Thank you for encapsulating exactly how I feel about this case! I also think that there are people who are far less charismatic who also were wrongly convicted and deserve to be released.
Clementine
WAIT I MISSED THIS!
Omg, gonna go listen on my lunchtime walk…
LoudyTourky
Serial did not investigate the case but tried to reconcile the police’s version and Adnan’s story. Another podcast, Undisclosed, actually investigated the case and discovered police misconduct and huge issues with the evidence. I finished Serial thinking the state did not satisfy its burden of proving he did it beyond a reasonable doubt. Undisclosed showed how unfair the whole process was, and now I think that he is innocent. And, yes, Rabia is part of Undisclosed, but most of the revelations were from Susan Simpson.
TCFKAG
Mostly just amazed that they actually managed to do it! Getting a conviction thrown out like that is so hard. But, it also reminds me of the thousands upon thousands of other people in prisons and jails throughout the US who are probably innocent but who took a plea because of the “go to trial, lose your plea deal” arrangement.
(I realize that’s not precisely on point to Adnan’s situation, but our system is just SO carceral that it is amazing when someone manages to beat it at all.)
Anon
As far as I can tell, plea deals are a mess. Innocent people take plea deals on crimes they didn’t commit. Guilty people “plea down” and serve sentences for minor stuff instead for the kinds of serious crimes the city doesn’t want in its stats.
Anon
When something like this happens I think of all the other wrongly or improperly convicted people behind bars, usually people of color with little to no means. I know one personally. Served 17 years for a petty stupid theft at 17 years old, and the for profit system kept finding ways to extend his sentence. He didn’t have the benefit of a podcast, tho.
anon
Anon at 11:58, I’m pretty sure there are things to your story you probably don’t know. The theft was either of something with a LOT of value, was committed using force or a weapon, or was at least a third offense. A sentence, once imposed, cannot be extended past its maximum.
pugsnbourbon
Can you get more time added to your sentence if you, say, get in a fight while in prison? Or are caught with contraband?
Anon
That’s what basically happened to my friend – the guards were in on it and were incentivized to basically keep prisoners there by any means.
It’s a long story. He is writing a book with the help of some attorneys who finally got him out of there.
pugsnbourbon
In for-profit prisons I imagine that happens … a lot.
anon
No. You could be charged with a new crime (assault) and, if convicted, sentenced for that. But if you are serving a five year sentence for robbery, that cannot be extended past five years.
Anon
I’ve read that this is a pattern especially with juvenile convictions (and yes, for-profit prisons).
Anonymous
Prisons don’t make decisions about sentencing length.
Anon
I believe the story I read was about additional charges cycled through a judge who later ended up getting in trouble for the apparent scam? I assumed since people got in trouble that it wasn’t allowed.
Anonymous
Sentences for petty theft are usually shorter than one year and often much shorter, and sentences are not determined by the prisons. //www.findlaw.com/legalblogs/criminal-defense/what-is-the-typical-punishment-for-petty-theft/
anon
Correct. This Anon either doesn’t know all of the facts or is choosing only to present certain facts. But in no US state is a juvenile convicted solely of petty theft serving 17 years for it.
anon
Do I think he’s guilty? Probably yes. Do I think he got a fair trial with effective counsel? No. The best outcome in my view would be a retrial. That would balance justice for the victim and the important concept of getting a fair trial and effective counsel.
Anon
Wanting to do a drugstore makeup trip today to try some new things as a little treat to myself. Please let me know your favorite items!
Marketiere
I didn’t realize how much I would love cuticle oil until I got a sample in the mail. It feels like a little luxury to apply during meetings. Mine is lavender scented.
Panda Bear
I like the L’Oréal ‘double extend’ mascara – its the tubing kind with a primer in one end of the wand. Tubing mascaras are the only ones that don’t flake or get wet and run under my eyes. And I like the Maybelline eyebrow gel, I think its called brow fast sculpt? Works as well as the expensive one I used to get from Sephora. In a drug store I don’t even bother trying to get the right match for foundation or concealer, but its fun to try different shades of relatively inexpensive eyeshadows or lipsticks/lip glosses.
Curious
+1 on the tubing mascara.
Anon
I also love the L’Oreal tube mascara. Thanks for the eyebrow gel recommendation.
Nonny
how to remove the mascara? thanks!
Vicky Austin
I LOVE the Burt’s Bees lip shimmers – particularly Rhubarb for summery vibes and Fig for fall. I also heard from someone here that the Covergirl concealer that looks like a lipstick is great and it truly is. (Even my husband uses it.) And I have used the Maybelline brow pencil for years as a Benefit Goof Proof dupe.
Vicky Austin
Specifics:
Maybelline Express Brow Ultra Slim Pencil
Covergirl Smoothers Moisturizing Concealer Stick
Anon
I praise her all the time here, but check out YouTuber emilynoel83. I’ve been following her for a decade (yikes for both of us ha) and she’s great – normal, down-to-earth. Specifically, every December, she does an Emily Awards of the best products and includes a drugstore and a high-end product for each category. I use and love so many of her recommendations.
Cat
Maybelline’s BB cream is great for light-coverage foundation.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
NYX has a good dupe for the Anastasia brow pencil and I always go back to Maybelline lash sensational mascara. I refuse to spend $25 on a mascara when you should change it every few months.
pugsnbourbon
I like the Maybelline Sky High mascara. Really any Maybelline is going to be a good value.
A new lipstick is always fun. And if you haven’t tried cream blush, there are a few good ones at the drugstore (Covergirl and Milani).
Anon
+1 to the NYX eyebrow pencil.
phlox
NYX epic ink eyeliner
Milani baked blush in luminoso
More Sleep Would Be Nice
I love Maybelline’s Lip Ink lipsticks. They legit stay on all day (within reason), no reapplying, no spreading, etc. I’m a lipstick lover and have yet to see a huge difference between drugstore and higher-end/Sephora brands.
TCFKAG
I just decided to upgrade my makeup collection a bit for a black-tie wedding I was supposed to go to this summer (a false positive COVID test meant I had to miss it) but I’ve been surprised how much I’ve like Almay’s Smart Shade Concealer (a liquid concealer that’s supposed to work with a wide range of skin tones, though I’m sort of a pale white person) and Almay’s Skin Perfecting Comfort Concealer, which I use under my eyes and sometimes for contouring if I feel fancy.
Anon
Hi TCFKAG!
TCFKAG
Hi TCFKAG!
Anon
Revlon Colorstay lip pencil in nude is a staple.
La Roche Posay Toleraine Hydrating Cleanser is my in-shower morning face and neck/upper chest wash. It’s better than anything at Sephora.
Stick-on heating patches are a great thing to have at your desk and in your bedside table for those little aches and pains or cramps.
Senior Attorney
I just got a set of new makeup brushes and that made everything go on more nicely.
Also: Revlon Colorstay liquid foundation is a staple for me.
Anonymous
NYX eyeshadow pencils
Anonymous
My younger sister is dating a divorced dad 15 years her senior. I’m struggling with letting the woman I’ll always see as my “little sister” live her life. She has a great job, never really dated much, and has always had a calm presence. Dating this guy, she is wrapped in a lot of drama with her boyfriends’ ex. (I’ve learning phrases like “high conflict parent”). I guess I’m looking for any help at stepping back while being supportive, and coming to terms with a big shift in her day to day / what we talk about.
Anon
How old is she? What does she want long term with this guy? As a divorced (low-conflict) and now remarried parent, my perspective is different if its 25 & 40 vs 40 & 55. Is she actually involved in the drama or is she just dealing with second-hand stress?
As a big sister, I’m not shy about telling my sister when she’s doing something dumb. I love and support her whether or not she takes my advice (and never say I told you so), but I also don’t think it’s my job to blindly cheerlead whatever she does. Same with my closest friends.
Anon
How old is your sister? I’m assuming she is over 18 and can make her own decisions, legally. However, I dated a man 10 years older than me when I was in my early 20’s. He had a lot of baggage and I was basically his only support system. My biggest regret in life is not breaking up with him early on because eventually you become emotionally attached and ignore the red flags. Make sure you stress to her that she doesn’t need to self sacrifice for him and his problems are not her responsibility.
Anon
If you want to step back and shut up, simply step back and and shut up. Don’t concern-troll your sister. Work on thinking of her as your sister, zero adjectives or qualifiers necessary for a grown adult.
test run
I’m not great at being this blunt, but overall I agree. In my experience, being a nonjudgmental friend/family member to someone who is maybe not making the same choice you would is the best way to ensure they keep talking to you about it and actually listen to your advice if/when they’re ready to make a change (if they need to! Maybe this relationship ends up being great!). Otherwise they’ll just clam up out of embarrassment and keep you out of the loop. You don’t want to damage your relationship with your sister just because you’re being judgmental about her dating life.
Op big sis
Thanks all. This is what I think I want to do and am having trouble with – because I’m worried! But not worried about physical violence or substance use or anything like that.
Context for those who have weighed in: she is 31, he turns either 47 or 48 this month. She is financially independent but he makes more. They just decided to move into a nice condo she would struggle to afford on her own, she gave up her place (he has two other houses in different states). I believe this could be a great step for them to start living together part time, so I am trying to be supportive and or shut up!
No Face
These all seem like perfectly fine decisions to me!
If you want to channel your energy into something, become the biggest cheerleader ever for her professional and financial successes.
Anon
I fail to see the problem here. Can you explain more?
Anon
Honey, she’s 31 and it seems like your reaction is way more about you than anything she’s doing. Yes, don’t say anything and work on yourself.
Anon
i’d have trouble with that too. i think that is a huge age gap, and very different stages of life. if it was my daughter i would not be thrilled, but would probably try to keep my mouth shut absent anything concerning.
TCFKAG
Honestly, this is the advice I give to everyone when they come to me because a friend or family member may (or may not) be in an abusive relationship. Because isolation is the first tool of control and if you push someone before they are ready to leave, you’re just supplanting their will with your own. Which is already something they have to deal with in the home.
But, by biting your tongue and being there for them, you can ALSO be there for them if the storm truly does hit. It’s hard and it will always be hard, but test run is right. “You don’t want to damage your relationship with your sister just because you’re being judgmental about her dating life.” And I would only add, you don’t want to damage your relationship with your sister and only find out *after* something terrible has happened.
Reply
Bonnie Kate
Oh that struggle is real. I’m the oldest and it’s so frustrating to watch younger siblings live their lives, making decisions that don’t seem wise. If you want, go ahead and have one supportive/loving/come to Jesus/WTF are you doing talk. Mostly for your own brain to know that you’ve tried. In my experience, it goes really well and seems really productive – and then sibling follows through on exactly none of the actions. So at that point, realize that nothing you say is going to make a difference and let them make their own mistakes.
Mindset-wise and coming to terms with it, for me working on nonjudgement has really helped silence some of the noise in my brain. Like when family members make life choices I do not understand or are in a bunch of drama, in my brain I try and literally not have an opinion about whether it’s right/wrong. The “not my circus not my monkeys” idea. It’s hard at times, especially to begin with, because it’s judgement and opinions come so naturally – but we really don’t have to have opinions on everything. And then when we realize that there is some kind of dramatic situation going on and we do not have to make any kind of judgment about it – our mind gets freed a bit from that mental load.
Anon
My feeling is that just because a decision isn’t what you would make doesn’t mean it’s a bad decision. If it seems like there’s an actual problem, then maybe talk about it once, but if this is just a different relationship than you’d choose, just don’t say anything and be supportive.
Anon
“just because a decision isn’t what you would make doesn’t mean it’s a bad decision” Oh. My. God. do I wish I could get my family to understand this.
Anon
I feel like this all goes triple for romantic relationships.
Would anyone strategically choose to fall for someone who has a difficult life in any way? (Disability? Problematic family? Debt? Some irritating vice? All the filters people choose when dating online?) It’s not something terribly wrong with the world though that people do in fact sometimes fall for people whose lives are more difficult than their own.
Anon
Bonnie, this is not an appropriate way to treat your siblings. Two questions:
1. When was the last time your parents – who have a lot more right to stage a “Come to Jesus” than a flipping sister does – have such a conversation with you?
2. When was the last time your so-called younger siblings had a “Come to Jesus” with you about the way you live your life?
IMHO, those types of conversations between siblings haven’t been appropriate since elementary school, if even then. Being on the receiving end of such conversations really makes me think that my “older” sister never quite left being a tween.
anon
Yes, my goodness Bonnie but why on earth are you automatically wiser than your siblings? I would resent you strongly if you had a meddling “come to Jesus” about my life decisions that don’t involve you. It sounds like your siblings DO resent you. That’s why they feign consideration when their bossy big sister scolds them, and then do what they want. Because they know they’re adults and your opinion is irrelevant.
Curious
I don’t get this take. Don’t we have come to Jesus conversations with our friends and peers? Mine do that for me and I for them.
Anon
Glad I was not the only one bothered by that.
This might “out” me. I married a man (who is wonderfully mature and responsible) who is a few years younger than I am. I am a year older than his older brother and his wife. Everyone was late 30s when DH and I got married.
BIL and SIL, never the most mature people themselves, have not grown out of the “kid” dynamic wherein them being “older” than DH means they “get” to throw shade at him. DH stoically put up with this for years. When we got married, suddenly SIL is the boss of my sex life, reproductive choices, my waistline, job, health, car, reproductive choices, and clothes. Preplanned humiliation was a feature of a Christmas with them.
It got bad. Counseling taught us is what I had intuited: the were used to seeing DH as a “kid” and transferred that attitude onto me. We were objects of gossip, kids play-acting at setting up house. It’s caused a lot of problems, but no matter how many times they are told this is not an appropriate way to treat me (by us, MIL, FIL, even the oldest SIL), they cannot wrap their heads around DH being anything but the dorky kid and by extension, me being a dorky kid.
Being the “older sibling” is immutable and unearned. Apparently, it’s a helluva drug for some people.
Anon
Anon at 2:16, your situation sounds totally different than OP’s. DH’s younger sister is married to a ~9 years older man (several years older than me and Dh, and there’s a pretty big gap between DH and his sister because their mom had secondary infertility). We’ve never said anything critical because he is kind and treats her well and they seem very happy. I think OP’s concerns are less about the age gap and more about her sister being caught up in a high conflict divorce, which is unlikely to end well. I’m not sure why people are fixating on the age gap because I think that’s the least of the issues here.
Anon
No, it’s the exact same situation. The issues are identical: 30-something “older” siblings who are doped up on the drug of being “older” and acting inappropriately towards their 30-something “little” siblings.
OP never said the guy doesn’t treat Sister well, just that his ex-wife is a drama llama. She needs to take a giant step back.
Anon
Well I guess we disagree, but I think the ex-wife being a drama llama and there being a minor child involved is a big red flag for long-term relationship happiness. If the child were grown and he could go no-contact with the ex wife it would be a different story, but this woman is in his life through their child and thus in OP’s sister’s life if she wants to be with this man. There have been lots of discussion on this page over the years about how hard it can be to be the girlfriend/stepmom in a high conflict divorce with minor children. Personally it’s not a situation I would want to be in and I wouldn’t hesitate to give that advice to a good friend or sibling (older or younger). Would I keep harping on it over and over when they clearly didn’t want to hear it, no. But saying it lovingly once does not make you a monster or someone who is trying to exert control over your sibling.
Anon
I 100% would not trust OP’s assessment that the wife is a drama llama.
Anonymous
This is not how I read Bonnie’s comment at all. She says in these situations speaking your mind is something that’s not necessary or even useful, but that if you feel you have to say something, only do it once and accept whatever they say or do.
Bonnie Kate
just catching up, since I posted, went into mod, and then was out for meetings all day. Okay yes this is exactly what I meant put in a far more tactful and succinct way.
Also I rescind my use of the “come to jesus” adjective, that’s way more in your face than I would really ever be in real life. And i agree with some of the Anons above; unsolicited this conversation is not right ever at all, even once. It’s when the siblings are coming and having conversations about their problems repeatedly that it starts to feel like you want to give them advice. It’s likely best to try and leave it alone but the pressure to try and guide or fix the situation is a real pressure that older sisters feel. A LOT of my own mindset work is trying to undo this family manager role so the callouts above are totally fair reminders.
Anon
You’re very lucky you got the privilege of making all your own choices without a sibling telling you how wrong you were every time!
Anon
+1 million
Bonnie Kate
Touché that my younger siblings didn’t lecture me on life choices, and your point is actually helpful for context. I did very much get questioned about dating my boyfriend who I later married, as he was outside the conservative religion I was raised in and later left myself. I can think of five separate unsolicited “intervention conversations” from different people, ranging from my parents to my grandma to my aunt to two different church people. Yes there’s real damage from all that, and I would not want to cause that to a younger sibling and think I’ve avoided that.however I have never thought of it in that way, so useful comment.
I do think that giving advice to a sibling who is complaining about problems to you in a conversation they initiated is way different then unsolicited interventions. But I didn’t word my original comment that way at all, so I get your response.
Anon
I’m sorry to harp on this, but you don’t get to lecture your siblings (or any loved ones) just “for your own brain” !!!!! That is not how you should treat people. If you have to work out your own feelings about something, you do that on your own. You don’t drag your little sister into it because you haven’t figured out how to deal with your own issues.
Curious
I’m in mod, so trying again. Reading this charitably, I’m not sure Bonnie Kate is advocating any more than one round of saying your piece. I do this for my friends and them for me when we think the other is going down a bad path. Similar with my no longer so little sister. Most of the time, I admit, we do ask for the other’s opinion first, but we trust each other to give it. And then if it’s ignored then we move on and say some version of “you know I’m here for you” the next time the person asks.
Anon
Curious, my eyes cannot roll hard enough. Nothing about being an older sibling entitles one to have bossy conversations (complete with “following through on the actions”) with younger siblings. Just because you personally have a different boundary with your *friends*, doesn’t mean that no one else is allowed to have that boundary with their *older siblings*.
Curious
Perhaps we’re reading different personal dynamics into this, so we end up at different places. I’m just trying to not write off Bonnie Kate, a named regular poster whom I respect, for empathizing with OP. I do think I’ve learned a lot about sibling dynamics from this and other threads, and it reinforces some of how I try to relate to my sister and changes some of it. So thanks.
Anon
Just because somebody posts regularly under a regular name doesn’t mean they can’t be wrong.
Anon
Curious, those conversations, like sex, are only acceptable if wanted, and the person initiating should back off pretty fast if it’s clear that the other person isn’t interested.
Bonnie Kate has obviously seen your side of it – now it’s time for her to see the other side. The needed empathy is for BK to understand what her sisters feel when she does this.
Bonnie Kate
You are actually totally right about not doing it for my own brain and that it’s my own work that needs to happen there, not siblings, and it’s not fair to dump it on them. You actually spotted something in key there. There’s a specific feeling that happens in my brain when there are issues or problems re my sisters or mom. Literally only them It’s like a pressure on the inside of the back of my head. My initial conditioned response to dealing with this is to “solve” the problem. Of course this isn’t how you should treat adults. I actually think I keep a more superficial relationship with my family because I don’t have a better response and it’s hard to sit with the pressure of feeling like you SHOULD solve a problem, but you know you actually should not solve a problem (and it’s maybe not a problem to solve!).
This literally only happens with those three people, and to a lesser extent my dad. I’m thinking more about it and i can think of specific core memories where I was told that It was my job to “be an example” “take care of my sister” “don’t let them get in trouble” “teach them how to xxx” and a ton of family peacemaking. It’s a trip to try and undo these instincts.
Anonymous
I’m married to a divorced dad who is 15 years my senior. We’re going on 17 years married this year. My stepson is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Truly the best risk I ever took in my life. I was 32, so maybe that changes the equation from this one. But people should be free to make their own choices so long as they aren’t hurting others.
I also think you need to stop with all the “little” sister stuff. Her age in relation to yours has nothing to do with whether she is mature. In fact, your refusal to see her this way and stewing over what you will talk about when her day to day shifts says more about your own need for growth. I would start focusing there instead of worrying about future topics of conversation with her.
Anon
Regardless of who she’s dating, you need to work on seeing your sister as an adult human being. “coming to terms with a big shift in her day to day” is weird and I get the sense you probably judge your sister all the time anyway.
Anon
Yeah, her sister is freaking 31 years old. The average age of first marriage in the US is 28. The average age of first birth is 26. Sister is not a a young adult just starting out in the world – she’s a grown-a$$ woman. OP is right to be focusing on her own reactions, because honestly, the time to start seeing her sister as an adult was years ago.
Anon
Don’t get involved unless she comes to you with the drama. Try to remember to provide empathy rather than being the fix-it older sister (which is also me.)
My little sister went through something similar – in her case married a cheating d-bag and now has to deal with the high drama new wife because of shared custody- and I’ve done a lot of listening and supporting over the years. Mostly of the gut check variety “is this normal or is she extra insane?” (The answer was no, this is not normal, new wife is extra nuts, and eventually the court system agreed and threatened to arrest her if she showed up to family court one more time.)
If I can share one piece of advice it’s for your sister not to react. Nothing disappoints an attention seeking drama queen more than not getting the reaction they were looking for.
Anonymous
I’d be concerned too. But it sounds like your concern is sort of generic to the situation and not specifically about him or something he’s done wrong. In general it’s unwise to judge someone (or whether they’re good for your sister) based on their life circumstances that are not really within their control. If you do that, you’re going to push sister away. Better to be supportive now so if he does start to show red flags, hopefully she will be more inclined to listen. If you prejudge him off the bat then she will never really trust your assessment of him.
Seventh Sister
Does she want to have kids with this guy? If it was my sister, and she wants to have kids, I would tell her that most of the people I know in blended families benefit a lot from counseling / third-party guidance even if that’s not something they mention to others. And I’d probably point out that in all likelihood, his ex isn’t going to vanish into thin air even if she’s Lucille Bluth wrapped in Catherine de Medici coated in Maleficent. While the interactions with the ex may lessen as the kid(s) gets older, there will be weddings and graduations and funerals and grandkids long after anyone is paying child support.
Also, I’m a huge proponent of marriage counseling for ANYONE getting married, so I’d probably recommend it either way. We did it through someone recommended by our church, and it was really helpful in setting expectations and goals.
Breast MRI
As a follow up to the mammogram discussions lately, does anyone have experience with breast MRI?
I have dense br*asts, and after 2 diagnostic mammos and ultrasounds that caused a lot of anxiety, the last letter from the radiologist recommended a br*ast MRI. Apparently this imaging method is now advised for people like me, as it may detect cancers earlier/better than regular mammos in those with dense tissue.
It seems like my PCP/ObGyn has to order the procedure, but that it’s not covered by insurance as an additional screening for dense tissue, so far. The imaging center quoted $300 for the MRI, not sure whether this would include the review/consultation with the radiologist.
I would be willing to pay for this annually if it is a better alternative to repeated mammographies, but I’m trying to figure out whether this is just a marketing ploy to sell this service to anxious women like me, or whether there’s a true medical benefit.
Anon
I’m the Mammo Anon above. My mom (survivor) gets a regular mammo annually and also an MRI annually, timed so that they’re 6 months apart, the better for early detection. Both are covered by insurance thanks to a high risk designation or something like that. So – talk to your doctor to be sure you’re being set up properly to maximize your coverage.
Anonymous
My sister (survivor) does the same—annual mammogram and annual MRI, each 6 mos apart. I (also survivor) do not do screening MRI, but that was part of my diagnosis tests. One of my colleagues had her b* cancer ID’d via MRI. It’s definitely a thing with targeted use.
Anon
I thought that was Mammo Ammo for a minute. Need to get eyes checked.
Cat
lol – new name for the Austin Powers fembots if they get back together for a sequel!!
Breast MRI
That’s a good point. I have an appointment with my ObGyn soon and will discuss.
anon
Same with my mom. And, her docs had her tell her three daughters to push to get MRIs once we’re of age to get mammos because of our dense tissue. Mammo missed all three occurrences of my mom’s cancers but MRI picked them up each time. Good enough for me!
Anonymous
MRI is way more sensitive than a mammo. I had one following my mammo as a next step in my cancer diagnosis process. It wasn’t fun (you’re face down and MRIs just aren’t fun as a matter of course), but I would do it one-hundred times over to get a more accurate picture of what’s going on.
Panda Bear
I’ve had one MRI, and it was recommended after my mammo looked a little odd and they wanted a closer look. I have mammos annually and its the only time they suggested the MRI. (I started getting mammos in my late 20s since my family is very high risk.) I think I had to pay about $500 out of pocket. It was stressful but I was glad once it was over and they felt confident that things looked fine. Good luck! See what your doctor and breast specialist (if you have one) thinks.
Breast MRI
I might make an appointment at the high risk clinic that the imaging facility recommended. One issue is that I live in an area of the country where it’s a 75 min drive to the next bigger hospital (affiliated with the large state university).
Our local women’s center doesn’t have multiple specialists and super long wait times (for a diagnostic mammo, original appointment date was January 2023! That’s for people with symptoms!).
So I’m thinking I should probably set up an appointment with the high risk clinic at University Hospital to discuss further options, just to get into the system.
Anon
I got one in 2008 because of an anomaly in my dense breasts. Even back then, the level of detail was amazing. Just pay for it.
Breast MRI
That’s what I’m tending towards. Thank you.
edj3
Breast cancer survivor with dense tissue. I’m on the mammo/MRI cycle myself. It does show a lot more than even the 3D mammo.
Anon
I’m 38 so haven’t quite reached mammo age but my OB told me at my last appointment that I would likely need ultrasounds and/or MRIs due to dense breast tissue, and not to panic when I called back for multiple follow-ups after my first mammo. It doesn’t seem like a scam to me. Mammos don’t work well for women like us.
Anonymous
Have not had this recommendation, but I’m too young for mammos. I have had 3 ultrasounds and 2 biopsies though due to lumps found in my dense breast tissue at my annual well woman exam. The MRI sounds cheaper and less painful than a biopsy!
Anon In-House Empt Lawyer
so i have dense tissue and referred to a high risk bre@st clinic. The clinician then took a thorough family history and evaluated my lifetime risk of developing breast cancer. If that lifetime risk was above a certain number (20 or 25%, I think?) then I’d go straight to MRIs covered by insurance, and skip mammos. I ended up a few percentage points short short of that cutoff, so I still have to do mammos to start… then get referred out to MRI/ultrasound if needed. So far my first mammo was clear enough that I didn’t need MRI, but second did require the MRI/ultrasound (which is just annoying to have a second appt.)
I’d prefer going straight to MRI if that was an option, but not sure how insurance coverage would work. I need to look into it because it seems wasteful to do a mammo first if it won’t actually be helpful/the last stop!
Anon
I went up a size since COVID and rebought casual office clothes but now I need some formal business wear (but a suit is now too formal). Are MMLF Etsuko still considered OK for work meetings? Any other workhouse dresses? Pants + blouse + jacket seems to be too many pieces to put together, so trying dresses for now.
Cat
Yes. Also look at The Fold and Boss for dresses that serve as good suit substitutes.
No Face
Karen Kane and Calvin Klein at Macy’s are good sources for midrange work dresses with sleeves that aren’t as formal as a suit, if you don’t want to spend too much.
Senior Attorney
+1 They’re not the latest style and a lot of them have exposed zippers, which I know we all hate, but there are some gems there.
Cb
University teaching starts today and every term, I get those back to classroom jitters. There’s something about 150 18 year olds staring at you that is unnerving. Keep reminding myself that I’m nervous because I give a s— which is what my PhD supervisor told me my first year teaching.
Anonymous
My mom has been a teacher at the same school for 35 years and still gets nervous before every new school year!
Cb
I feel like it would be worrying if you weren’t nervous at all? I started in week 3 of term last year due to a long notice period (3 months, negotiated down to 7 weeks) and it was rough, I felt like I was running behind all term, so looking forward to a “normal” one.
Vicky Austin
Same! Mine used to call her own mom the night before the first day of school, every year. I wish I’d started it a few years ago, but now I call her that night instead.
Anonymous
I taught at the university level for years before going to the dark side of administration. Every semester I got those jitters. I would sometimes have the same teaching dream — showing up to teach what I thought was a small class and it turned out to be a much larger class in a completely different field. I chalked those jitters and dreams up to caring and they always went away after the first day. Just part of the process! Hope all goes well!
Cb
Ah, they were so good! Night and day from last year’s group! They asked questions, put their hand up to share thoughts.
Senior Attorney
Hooray!! And also, you get jitters because you care so yay for you!
Returning to previous company?
May have learned the hard way that the grass isn’t always greener and am considering returning to my previous company. My role is still open and I left on great terms and told my previous manager I’m open to chatting about it.
Anyone done this before? I’m feeling a ding to my pride and that it might be awkward going back.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I haven’t but I had someone under me “boomerang” back onto my team after 2 months at a different job. Honestly, we were a bit surprised but mostly just overwhelmingly pleased to (1) have him back on the team and (2) have his empty roll filled. I think you’ll get some questions, but if you left on good terms and want to go back, I’d say to go for it!
Anon
Same — the good people who left on good terms I’d love to have back. Retraining a senior person that you loved as a co-worker is a slog.
Anon
How open is your company to boomerang employees? I have worked at two companies, both engineering firms, that loved returning employees. (Pay was often a bit lower than other jobs, but work/life balance, meaningful work, lack of corporate b.s. was unparalleled). I could see different work environments being a problem, though.
Curious
Can I come work there? I love my job but will need to shift to a lower gear sometime in the next two to five years.
Anon
It depends on the reasons you left. I have had two colleagues who boomeranged back. One worked out great; she had left because she thought the new job would offer challenges that it didn’t so she returned and seems very happy. The other left because she thought she was working harder than everyone else (false) and the new job would be less work. We rehired her because it is so hard to hire and train, but it was a mistake. She was disgruntled before she left and disgruntled in her new job and disgruntled when she boomeranged. If you left because of opportunities in the new position that did not pan out, vs. being unhappy in your old position, it could work out.
anon
I had a professional service provider do this. After the first convo when he explained he was back at the OG company, we didn’t skip a beat and I never thought anything differently of him for it.
Anonymous
My friend did this ten years ago. He immediately applied for a promotion upon his return and got it and has since been promoted twice and is now very high up in our company. We’re an insurance company so it’s not a fancy place, but as far as I can see his brief stray from the company only comes up when they send his bio to announce his promotions.
Anon
I have a coworker who boomeranged and 9 months later is looking for jobs again. We’re happy to have her, but I feel like she/you left for reasons and she’d be/you’re better served looking for job #3.
Grace
My company (management consulting) loves boomerangs. If you are a decent employee, you know the door is always open for you to come back.
Anon
I work for a large consulting firm and I always hear about boomerangs.
Anon
My old department seemingly existed almost entirely of boomerangs. We had people who came back 3+ times, to the point where it was a joke. One woman returned to her old position that had not been filled after a few months, and it was a nightmare. She was still unhappy with all of the things that she was unhappy with when she left, and despite being paid 3X more than what she was when she left, took out her unhappiness with the same issues on the rest of the staff. The people gone for longer – 2-5 years -seemed to come and stay for decades. I guess my question is why did you leave? If you left because the job was okay but the pay was terrible, and they offer you more money to come back, then likely the job will still be okay and you get paid more. If you left because of workload, bad management, lack of visibility, etc. – none of that will have changed. FWIW generally the people who came back at a year or less left within the next two years, and almost all because of the same issues that they left for.
Anon
Ladies, where are you on gray and white interiors? Love it? Over it?
Yesterday we talked about staged homes and how much clutter is appropriate. I’ve been checking the listings daily myself, and it’s not clutter that gets me – it’s the homes that are only and exclusively gray and white. I’ve questioned on more than listing whether I’m looking at black and white photos! I’ve thought, “Oh, maybe it’s just staging,” but the permanent surfaces like floors, counters, and tiles are all gray, too. I don’t know anyone IRL whose house looks like this, but it’s in all the listings, so clearly lots of people out there are living in gray and white!
Anon
I think white is classic but gray toned wood floors etc feel dated to me.
My current favorite combo (for several years now) has been “warm and cozy” with white walls. I have mid-tone wood floors (not yellow-y but neither super dark nor light), a light gray couch and most of my wood furniture is vintage walnut (so it’s faded down to a warm mid-tone). Most decor in my home are either from family (nothing expensive — this includes art my mom made in middle school and a painting by a family friend) and art I bought while traveling (mostly prints & some vintage store finds).
Cb
Hate it! My husband told me he planned to live in our house until he’s 90, so I’ve been painting all the walls fun colours. Like if I have to live here forever (country mouse/city mouse divides in our marriage) I’m going with cuban star tiles, dark green dining room, terracotta sitting room.
anonchicago
Team Color here as well. DH has always gone for neutral colors and mild wall decorations. When we bought our house earlier this year, he was skeptical of my decision to repaint a few rooms in bright colors (my office-purple, home gym/den – green) and travel related artwork throughout. However, every time I’ve finished decorating a room he says “oh, this actually looks really good”!
I want to do a whole house repaint as the prior owners did most rooms in a slate blue/grey but am waiting a few years due to other priorities. Not sure what base color I will use but am leaning towards a very light blue or green – NOT grey! White walls scream “I don’t plan to live here very long” to me.
Cb
Yes definitely. There is wallpaper EVERYWHERE (even in the closets) so repainting is a major pain. We’ve only done two rooms thus far but the other rooms are a more neutral wallpaper which I can tolerate awhile longer. Versus bird of paradise and glitter fleur de lis which had to go immediately.
Anonymous
+1 hate it!
Cat
Over it, my husband and I call houses that look like that “Airbnb flip starter kits.”
Go for it
+1
A Nonny Mouse
Yes! We are currently renting a recently flipped house and it is grey everywhere, including the vinyl plank flooring. I miss color.
Senior Attorney
Exactly.
Anon
Check out Maria Killam. I am so thankful that someone here recommended her color blog. I had to pick solid surfaces and cabinets and went neutral just because of this.
I love colors also, but saved that for rugs and art and accent-ish things that don’t require a contractor or a fortune to change out.
Anonymous
I hate cool tones in houses so am ok with warmer toned white/cream and gray but hate cooler tones. I hate, hate, hate the gray toned floors too. Looks too industrial!
Anonymous
Also I’m not even a huge color person (I mostly wear neutrals) but will take color over a bland white or gray!
As a renter, I prefer gray walls (or anything!) over white but if my landlord would paint everything a nice pale blue that’s be ideal
Anon
I’ve lived in so many beige places that I’ll take gray and white any day- I’m very much a cool tone person and despise any shade of brown. But I once I move in, it’s not like I won’t add plenty of color, I’d just prefer having a white/gray base to beige, which was the default for decades. When I see white and gray, I assume it’s a recent remodel or a flip, not what people are actually living in.
Anonymous
Dislike it. I’m okay with white walls, but definitely over gray floors, walls, and other accents. At this point, I’ll even take beige builder grade carpets just to break up the monotony.
I mean, I like how minimalism looks, but I think it looks better if there’s a pop of warmth or greenery somewhere so it doesn’t look so sterile and looks more livable. In my house, I have white walls mostly because I’m lazy, but my floors are warm hardwood and my bathroom floor tiles look like pinkish marble.
Anonymous
My home is all white and I love it. It’s also very minimal with a Scandinavian vibe and looks “staged.” I just have a stressful life and want to feel calm at home. I find color and pattern totally exhausting on my eye. I sometimes appreciate it it the homes of other people but generally find color and pattern are done poorly by amateurs and look over the top when done by professionals unless in done small doses.
Fwiw I think the gray look has been out for a decade and all white is no longer trending. I missed the conversation yesterday but I’m often disgusted that people take real estate photos with things like laundry piled on the bed. How can you not even bother to move it out of the shot?
Anonymous
I’m anti staging / perfect looking real estate pictures but so many rental photos have unmade beds, piles of laundry, dishes in the sink. I can’t imagine living like that, let alone photographing it!
Anon
I think if the landlord is pricing out current residents, the current residents may not have felt strongly motivated to clean up before the landlord showed up to take photos.
Anonymous
I’ve seen this as long as I’ve been renting (7 years).
Anon
I guess even if the current residents are not being priced out, if they’re busy getting ready to move and going through their things, I’m not sure why they’d do a favor for their landlord and try to stage their place. Unless the landlord is there to fix something, most people do not want their landlord over at all.
Anonymous
I’d say 2/3s of the photos I see are normal, clean looking houses and 1/3 are total pigsties (like not just normal clutter or moving packing clutter but dirty). I’ve seen this for like 10+ years.
I’ve only once had a landlord ask to come take pictures of my apartment. We had a 90 day notice period, which is standard in my city, so had not yet started to pack. I think I tidied up a bit but my roommate and I were already pretty neat so maybe took us 10 minutes?
I also see plenty of places photographed empty between tenants, which is fine.
But I do automatically pass on the apartments that are photographed or shown as total messes. I assume that the apartment will be dirty and probably won’t be properly cleaned between tenants and I also assume there won’t be sufficient storage
Anon
I’ve seen toilet sets up. OMFG no!
Anon
When my landlord raised my rent 25% from last year to this, they came to take photos, and I didn’t do anything other than usual tidying up. I didn’t owe them anything.
Anon
I don’t think the white and gray look had even started a decade ago. I bought a house in 2014 and both new houses and flips were still all beige and brown at that point. Maybe the HGTV look changed faster, but it definitely hadn’t made it to the real world yet.
Anon
I have a sibling in the upper midwest and it is all earth tones up there. Even though people are actually of Scandinavian descent (and the all-light Scandi look is definitely a look here in the SEUS where no one is actually from there).
Anon
This was in the SEUS in 2014. I assume it’s changed now, but I now longer live there.
Anon
Scandinavians also bring hygge with them culturally, which is all cozy earth tones.
Senior Attorney
FWIW, I remodeled and decorated my house in 2014 and did gray walls (not, mercifully, gray floors) and felt very au courant.
Anon
I’m over it. I’ve always loved more colorful decor, and every house I’ve lived in, I’ve painted to add some color. I’m slowly making my way through my current house to paint over all the gray walls.
I do think white walls look nice if the rest of the room is colorful, but that’s not feasible for me because my boyfriend is pigpen.
Anon
I love white but absolutely hate grey. There isn’t a speck of grey anywhere in my apartment!
Anon
Gray is fine but the gray trend is now dated. The worst is when everything is in mid gray tones and there’s little contrast.
Anon
I’ve been over it for a few years now – it screams “house flip!”. I live in a city that’s usually 5-10 behind any actual trends, so if it’s an overdone look here, I figure it’s REALLY overdone.
Anon
One of my friends just sold her house and bought a new one. She had colorful painted walls and her realtor made her paint everything white. She asked her realtor why that was important and the realtor said, “people lack imagination.”
I’m sure that’s why the photos you’re seeing look so generic. I agree with others that the gray wood and over-grayed everything else already screams 2010.
Doodles
I still like it but maybe not for an entire house. Most of my first floor is white (more creamy) and gray walls. It’s easy and I like it more than shades of beige. The kitchen has gray tile floors and backsplash but the rest of the floors are dark/warm wood. The kitchen was redone and we couldn’t find a matching hardwood. My upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms are light blues and purple shades. We intend to sell the house in about 5 years (so after 10 years of ownership) but I’m not sure that it really factored into the wall color choices. I just like calm wall colors.
pugsnbourbon
I like warm or interesting grays on walls (like gray-green or gray-blue) but gray floors, subway tile and open kitchen shelving scream flip.
Anon
For longer international trips, do you use an app like TripIt? I just downloaded it an set it up for an upcoming trip and it seems nice but I’m not sure that it’s really that much better than putting all the details into notes or attachments in google calendar. I’m looking to simplify my life and I’m not sure if adding an app makes things easier or more complicated. I take 1-3 trips a year, some short and some longer.
Gail the Goldfish
No–I just tag all the confirmation emails with a “[location] trip” label so they’re easy to find, throw everything in a Google doc and do a Google map with all the locations/restaurants I want to visit pinned (I also print both so I have in hard copy in case of connection problems)
Cat
No. I make a table in Google Docs with columns for date, day, and evening. Easy to keep short info like reservations and flight times in the table, and then underneath I keep a running list of more detailed info (like confirmation codes, addresses, etc).
Cat
Oh, I should add, for domestic trips I don’t bother with the Google doc or saving stuff offline. I just put the flights or any reservations on my work calendar (marked private) since I’ll clearly have regular cell coverage.
Cb
I used to but the gmail .gcal travel integration is so good now that it doesn’t feel necessary. And I have weekly trips to the same place, but often book them as one way tickets and it just breaks poor TripIt’s brain, it doesn’t know whether I’m coming or going. But TBF, neither do it most of the time?
Ribena
I love TripIt! The main use for me is that I can forward both work and personal travel plans to it, but I can’t forward things from work to any personal email address, so it’s the best way to get work travel to show up on my personal calendar.
Anon
Yes, I love that app. I don’t understand making your own spreadsheets when it does it for you better.
Colette
I save my hotel locations, rental car location, and other points of interest (things I want to visit, places that look good to eat) on google maps. My google calendar is automatically updated – it’s pulls from my email and creates appointments with all the reservation info.
I’d call my travel schedule loosely organized. Usually I have a thing or two I want to do each day and then from there I like to wonder. Having some top hits organized like that allows for a good level of planned spontaneity.
anon
I keep my itinerary on a gggle drive spreadsheet and all my reservation emails in a dedicated tag/folder in the email inbox. If there’s something like a rail map or site map I throw them onto gggle drive too.
Anonymous
I use trip it and love it. I like having one central place to go to look things up and not be hunting for emails, I like that I can share the whole trip with someone else, and I always print my trip it in case of connectivity issues which has frequently come in handy. And it makes it very clear on a busy trip where there are hotel or transportation gaps.
Anon
We’re a Google Docs household. Making the Google Doc is half the fun!
Anon
Nope. I have a label for the trip in Gmail and save all relevant emails there. But to be honest our trips to the Caribbean and Europe don’t generally involve much planning other than flights and hotels. We gave up on making restaurant reservations in advance when we had a kid since our schedule demanded more flexibility, and we’re not big tour people. We might get a guided tour of a museum or two in Europe but that’s about it.
Anon
What is the benefit of a bodysuit? I see them recommended by bloggers (sponsored by Big Bodysuit?). I don’t have problems with having shirts come untucked. Is wearing one like doubling down on your VPL? I am sort of a pear, so I am wondering if wearing something very tight above the waist will just make me look more sadly triangular? I am also pretty non-endowed, so tend to wear blocky tops (and any ruffles or chunky knits I can get) to balance out my hips.
Anon
I think the benefits are that it stays tucked and some people like the look of the body suit. If you don’t like it, no problem! I think they look great on pears, personally :)
ALT
I like bodysuits for instances where a tucked in top would cause bulk, so with skirts or jeans where I want a smooth line. As for the VPL issue, there are a lot of th0ng ones so not an issue. I personally wear non-th0ng ones and then underwear underneath, but I guess you could just do the bodysuit.
I love a bodysuit simply for the fact that they always stay tucked in!
Cat
They make for a super clean line at the waist, which is important for not looking disheveled if tucking a top into high-waisted pants with a detail or a belt you want to show off.
But as a long-waisted pear, they give me 180-degree-wedgie secondhand chafing, so I personally avoid :)
Anon
I guess it is like a super-tight shirt that won’t roll up? Maybe that is why the youngs have embraced long-lined sports bras as the shirt of 2022?
Anon
Yes, both look good with high waisted pants (which are super trendy right now).
Anon
? Body suits are pretty different than crop tops.
Cat
I mean, in silhoue++e, yes.
Anon
180 degree wedgie is the term I have been looking for. I have been saying front wedgie but yours is better!
Anon
But wouldn’t that be a 360 wedgie?
Cat
unless your wedgie makes a complete closed circle, no…
Anon
Back to geometry class for you!
Nina
I would love a planner which had say an area to write a schedule on the left side, and then a place for notes on the right side. So fairly unstrucutred, but with plenty of room for each day. Any ideas?
brokentoe
I am a Very Old and this sounds like the Franklin Covey system I (and everyone else) used when I was a Young. Google Franklin Planner.
Anon
I am an old too, and I LOVED my Franklin Planner!
Amy
Love my Erin Condren. I get the daily planner, which is divided into 2 planners for the year. Pricy but nice quality.
Monday
My Wisdom Supply zero waste planner is like this, and it’s holding up very well this late in the year. (I was skeptical about the cardstock cover.)
Anon
There’s a Moleskine one like this, I believe.
Anon
Or actually, it’s a whole week on the left and a notes page on the right.
In-House in Houston
I’ve used this for years and I love it. I use the XL which is big enough for all of my notes per week but still small enough to put in a tote bag or large purse.
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B08RRFXQX7/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1
Ribena
Yes – I use the Legami version of this layout and I really like it, but for me it’s an additional tool on top of Outlook (work) and Google (personal) calendars
Anon
I use this moleskine with, as noted below, a week on the left and lines for notes on the right. The spaces for each day are tiny, and I can’t write much in them. It works for me because I supplement with an online calendar, but if this was the primacy calendar it wouldn’t work for me because I need more space for each day’s events.
Cb
Look at TheShubox for planner pics and recommendations.
312
Emily Ley daily planners sound like they fit the bill.
Coach Laura
I love my Mountain Planner Pro – on amazon.
Coach Laura
https://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Planner-Pro-Gratitude-Productivity/dp/B07H4CNMDX/ref=sr_1_2?crid=R2NBPJVHYN1D&keywords=mountain+daily+planner&qid=1663707469&s=office-products&sprefix=mountain+planner%2Coffice-products%2C151&sr=1-2
Anonymous
If you have a couch that can transition to a bed – how often do you use it? Is it actually comfortable?
Anonymous
I have college friends (mostly live in DC or NYC, I’m in Baltimore) stay with me maybe 4-5 times a year and they use my pullout couch. I also occasionally have friends/siblings who live with their parents in the the burbs crash here after a night out.
All in all, maybe 10 weekends a year? I used to have an air mattress and now have an ikea sofa bed
Anon
I think the board consensus is that the American Leather sofa bed design (which if I recall correctly Restoration Hardware may use? correct me if I’m wrong) are the actually comfortable ones.
Anon
Oh, I probably meant Room & Board.
Honestly, I just have a sofa with removable back cushions and sleep on that if I want to sleep on the sofa. It’s about as comfortable as a foam mattress (so, not as comfortable as my bed, but okay).
Maggie
I have a LaZBoy one that is great. Sprang for the memory foam mattress and it’s just as comfortable as any real bed.
Nyc
I’m looking to buy one of these couches and found that Room and Board has some creative options (at lower price points than American Leather at RH). I haven’t tried for comfort in stores yet, but love all my other Room and Board purchases and am optimistic these will be good as well!
LA Law
Mine probably gets used 4-5 times a year – mostly when I have company or when one of my dogs is having a medical issue and I want to sleep downstairs with them. I find mine is more comfortable than an air mattress but less comfortable than my regular bed.
The downside is that is is quite heavy, which makes cleaning under it hard and I keep my sofa slip covered, which is a pain to take on and off every day.
Anon
I bought a twin daybed with an under the bed trundle that pulls out to a king (2 twins) for this purpose. It works great!
Anonymous
Can I just say that I have been amazed over the last few weeks/months how many on here are cancer survivors. So crazy (and scary)!
Anon
It really is sobering!
Anonymous
Have been doing a lot of reading since my diagnosis. 38% of Americans will experience cancer in their lifetimes.
(source: Cancer: The enemy from within – Carolyn C. Compton)
Chemo radiation starts tomorrow.
Traveler
That was me (removed an L from user name to avoid mod & pretend I am American)
Curious
All the best to you. May it go smoothly and may you have the best outcome known for your specific type of disease.
Curious
I have had the same thought.
Anonymous
Does anyone know of any blue towns in PA near the NY border? Maybe college or university towns? Considering moving after my neighbor posted a veiled Q-Anon reference. (Generally toxic vibe to the otherwise ritzy neighborhood, this was only the latest straw…) We’ve been thinking of moving to PA for tax reasons anyway.
Anonymous
Eire is the only option. And it went Trump in 2016 but at least has some blue history. The PA NY border is very rural! Why do you need to be near the border there’s nothing much on either side?
Anon
Like that border is super, super long. East Stroudsburg is a college town near the Delaware Water Gap (so close to the NJ side of PA) but that border stretches for hours to the west.
I can think of places full of very conservative blue-collar Democrats before you get to Erie, but I’m guessing you’re not looking at those places.
Anon
Why is this in moderation?!
Cat
The word c-ll-r, thanks to the old tr-ll.
Anon
If you work in NY, you may not get much of a tax break by moving to PA. I’m not in that region but am near another popular state border and the tax stuff is super messy. Sometimes you owe taxes to both states. You need a good accountant to advise you before the move.
Carrots
How close to the NY border and which side of the state are you interested in? The two that pop to mind immediately are Erie (which is Western PA and on the lake) and Scranton. Erie is about two hours from Buffalo and 30 minutes from the state line. Scranton is further in state, but on the Eastern side, about an hour from Binghamton.
Overall, the North part of PA, along 80, is fairly red. It’s the rural part of PA and goes along with PA trend lines that way. You may find blue dots where there are larger cities, but otherwise, it’s red and you’re going to find similar references in conversations there as well.
Anonymous
+1 Do not move to rural pa in order to escape crazy right wing lunatics. That’s like moving to nyc to escape rats. (Said with love having lived in both places.)
Anonymous
I also live in a ritzy town and you can’t escape these lunatics. I just ruled out a joining the local country club because a very famous and very angry trump supporter belongs there. (oh and surprise! He is not a nice person in real life either.)
Anon
Milford PA is tiny but has a blue vibe. I’m not sure how it actually votes. Very close to NY and NJ and lots of NYC people have second homes around there.
Anonymous
If you’re moving for tax reasons then move to Delaware. Personally I would stay away from PA rn because of the political situation.
Anon
I am almost 6 months out of a really toxic but really fun 8 month relationship. I logically know that everything about this man would require years of him being in therapy to make him a potential partner (finalizing a divorce with custody issues, alcoholism, honesty, being faithful, accountability, anger issues that also showed up at work and regularly threaten his career). I think the magic was that I’d been single for years, he heaped on the attention and affection, and we took a lot of trips together so it all felt like a wonderful vacation from my regular life.
But just because I know this logically doesn’t stop me from still thinking about him and feeling something. I thought maybe I just needed to get back into it (which is tricky due to covid since I am compromised). However, dating apps have no one interesting and my friends are all long married with no single friends to introduce me to. I checked meetup groups but nothing was interesting (plus I work a lot).
At this point, I just feel nutty for still feeling feelings about someone who had enough red flags to put on a halftime show. Any commiseration? (And before you say it, I HAVE been telling myself that the only way out is through, but it’s been almost as long as the relationship, when will I be through already?!)
Anon
I know there’s that SATC quote about needing half the length of the relationship to get over it but I think that’s BS. Sometimes the hardest relationships to get over are the most intense short flings, whereas long marriages are often dead long before you finally separate and it’s easy to move on. It sounds like this guy love bombed you? I know it’s hard but you did the right thing by leaving and I hope there are great things in your future! Hugs <3
Anon
Go on some first dates. The only way you’re going to stop obsessing over this completely inappropriate guy is to meet some new people. I’m wondering if no one seems “interesting” because you’re always comparing them to the other guy? That’s a habit you need to break, and the only way to do that is to get out of your house and have a drink or a coffee or a meal with someone new. Outside. (Which I understand because I also have a compromised immune system – I recommend Evusheld if you’re eligible)
Anon
You have to work the dating apps. It sucks but it’s true.
Anonymous
I am sure this is location-dependent, but I have a lot more luck hanging out in my neighborhood than my friends have “working the dating apps.”
Anonymous
I don’t have advice here, other than to get back out there in whatever way you can, but I can commiserate. I had just a fling with someone with many, many red flags. But it was fun. He was fun. He was more than his red flags — a real go-getter, interesting, incredibly knowledgeable about popular music and art (his profession and his passion), talented, great looking, very loving toward his kid, excellent aesthetic taste in all respects, well-traveled, successful, generous, etc. When I spoke of him, people only ever focused on the red flag stuff, but it is hard to find someone this intriguing. And I am older, self-supporting, and not looking for a live-in or marriage relationship, so it was all pretty tangential to my time with him. The fling ended for its own reasons, but my friends were thrilled I could move on and date whatever person they’d been trying to set me up with. Overall people are completely unwilling to accept the concept that someone is not looking for a deep commitment and permanent coupling, so the only thought anyone ever had was “this is not someone you can build a life with so you should not see him ever again.” They’d much prefer that I be with someone I find boring but who projects stability to them. That said, if you are looking to build a life with someone, that stability does matter. Your partner’s mess can quickly become yours.
Anon
Two things:
1) You were lovebombed! Him showering you with crazy levels of affection and attention is a classic narcissistic abuse tactic, and it is designed to make you emotionally dependent on him. And to keep you fixated/have trouble letting go. Maybe try to reframe it: not that he was giving you attention and love, but he was trying to manipulate you and it was an extension of his toxicity.
2) Sometimes, we can get hung up on people who provided us with things we were missing in our lives. It sounds like for you, that was affection/attention and the adventure and excitement of traveling etc. How can you go about giving those things to yourself? I personally found going on lots of dates on dating apps to provide me with the latter – it’s always a thrilling experience to dress up and go out for drinks, not sure where the night will take you. Or take yourself on trips, go on trips with girlfriends, do fun things you like for yourself.
Echo what everyone else is saying about start dating as much as possible. This guy isn’t the only person who can show you love and attention, as it sounds like maybe right now your body is telling you he is. Get out there and take control of it!
Anon
Does Scott’s Cheap Flights only work if you have really flexible travel dates? I got a trial subscription but it seems like most of the deals are for random undesirable times, like “go to northern Europe in February and travel from Wednesday to Wednesday for $300.” I mean, it makes sense that you can score a good price at times and places no one wants to travel, but I guess from discussion about it here I thought it was more like good prices on more popular, desirable routes. I usually have some flexibility about when I travel (especially in summer) but I want to go weekend to weekend to maximize vacation time so mid-week flights are not worth very much to me even if they’re dirt cheap.
Also anyone know if there’s a way to filter for a specific airline/alliance? I only fly Star Alliance for status reasons and would prefer to filter out all the emails about airlines I’m never going to fly.
Anon
Following…I’ve considered buying a subscription but wondered how this site actually works.
Anon
It is best for people with flexible travel dates, but we have still scored some pretty great deals from it. Even if the cheapest flights are Wednesday to Wednesday, that still generally means that the weekend flights are also lower than normal. Typically you get alerts for flights within the next six months or so, which would be why you’re getting alerts about Northern Europe in February.
My husband and I scored $230 flights to Iceland and $750 flights to Cape Town through Scott’s cheap flights. It is absolutely worth it to me, but I also am okay with being more flexible to make the opportunities work for me. This does not sound like the right service for you, particularly if you’re limited to flying one airline.
Anon
Thanks, I appreciate the feedback!
Josie P
I tried searching but can’t find the recent thread re: comfortable office chairs. Does anyone know where it is/was, or could recommend a chair for me? I’m looking for adjustable armrests as well as adjustable seat height. TIA!
Anon
Hermon Miller Aeron. Design within reach sometimes has them on sale.
Anonymous
After lots of research, I got the Steelcase Leap and love it.
Anon
If you have consolidated your student loans, is loan forgiveness not at all a thing for you?
Anonymous
I don’t know if that is a blanket rule, but I know that because I consolidated my student loans, loan forgiveness is not a thing for me. Nor was forbearance during the pandemic a thing for me. It feels deeply unfair, especially since the consolidation rate is quite high and I would have done better floating on the adjusting rates over time.
Anon
Losing the benefits of federal student loans is and has always been a big argument against consolidating. The pandemic and loan forgiveness didn’t change that.
Anonymous
My loans are federal loans consolidated through the federal government. I retained virtually all other benefits, including access to repayment programs like PSLF that did not exist at the time, though there may be some very specific benefits lost through consolidation. Thus, it feels deeply unfair to me.
Anon
If you don’t have federal loans, loan forgiveness is not a thing.
Anonymous
Direct Consolidation is a federal program involving federal loans.
Anon
So does this mean that if I refinanced my federal loan with a company like SoFi, I am not going to be eligible for the new loan forgiveness program? I understand I would not be eligible for the “work for a non-profit for 10 years’ loan forgiveness, but I am not sure about if I refinance from federal loans to private loans.
Anon
My understanding is that if you refinance your federal loan with a company like SoFi, you will not be eligible for the new loan forgiveness program (or any federal loan forgiveness program).
pugsnbourbon
Generally, no. If you consolidated your federal loans to an outside servicer like SoFi, you would not be eligible for forgiveness.
However, if you have FFELP loans (a specific type of loan that’s federally backed but technically private), you may be
able to “consolidate” into a Direct Loan. Direct loans are then eligible for forgiveness.
Double check with your lender to be sure.
Anon
I’m a finalist for an SVP role, meeting with the CEO for a zoom call in a few days. I have gained some weight during covid, am currently 100% remote, and only 2 blazers fit me well when I sit down. One is black and the other is black and white check. I would wear a jewel tone shirt underneath. Which blazer would you pick? My instinct is the more neutral black blazer, but hair is dark brown/black, so it doesn’t contrast well. Maybe hair up? Then I worry I look bald.
Curious
I’d go for the black. Checks can dance on camera and be distracting.
Anon
I find hair up does not look great on a Zoom call (although I do it all the time anyway), so I would probably have hair down.
Anonymous
Solid black jacket, jewel tone shirt with a collar to create contrast with your hair, which should be down. Lipstick for color and polish. Good luck!
pugsnbourbon
I say black blazer and hair down, but ultimately go with what you’re most confident in. And good luck!
Cat
I vote for black blazer and hair down. There’s enough difference in texture that it doesn’t look like too much of a solid block.