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Suit of the Week: Tahari ASL

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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. Skirt suits sold as one piece can be very hit or miss, as I've noted in the past — but this burgundy skirt suit looks nice. I like the zippered details and the peplum, as well as the nice color, and I always think that you can more easily wear a pencil skirt as a separate with these kinds of suits than you can with the pants that come with them (because the pants usually only look good with the suit jacket). You can always find Tahari ASL skirt suits at places like Lord & Taylor, Macy's, and Amazon. This one is $70–$208 at Amazon, Boscov's (straight sizes) and 6pm (similar). Tahari by Arthur S. Levine Women's Plus Size Stretch Crepe Skirt Suit with Peplum Detail This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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189 Comments

  1. Any favorite snow day meals? We’ve got a basic pantry and a decently stocked fridge but very little motivation for something fancy.

    2. Breakfast for dinner! Brinner was a classic snow day meal in my family growing up in Wisconsin. Primarily pancakes because we always had a box of Bisquick and some eggs and milk around, supplemented with whatever other breakfast foods we happened to have on hand.

    4. I’m a fan of pantry pasta: olive oil and garlic with whatever veggies and aromatics you’ve got. In an ideal pantry situation, I’d have whole wheat pasta with olive oil, garlic, olives, capers, anchovies, some red pepper flakes, and lots of grated cheese. Bonus points if you have some chicken sausage or frozen meatballs to throw in there.

      1. I love simmering stock on snow days. Do you have any chicken pieces or some veggies and herbs you could throw on the stove. But now I can’t stop thinking about the pantry pasta Marshmallow described. Yes, please.

        3. I like Aidell’s, I think you can get it at Whole Foods and most grocery stores. I’m a fan of chicken or turkey sausage/pasta that is already fully cooked and can live in the fridge or freezer for days like today.

    5. My classics are chili and grilled cheese and Campbells tomato soup. I also really love french toast made on cinnamon raisin bread and served with veggie bacon.

    6. Not sure if you have hot pot materials in your fridge, but that is my go-to food on snow days (or cold/rainy days)! You can use a kombu/seaweed base for the soup, or chicken broth. Add veggies – tofu, cabbage, etc. – and sliced meat to dip into the pot and cook at the table (think shabu shabu style). I also usually throw in a mix of Japanese fish cakes, ready to eat when boiled, and have partially cooked udon noodles on the side to cook in the pot at the table. Make a small pot of rice to go with the goodies in the pot, and you’re good to go.

      1. Forgot to add a note on dipping sauces – I usually prepare two dipping sauces on the side (one peanut based, one soy sauce based), but if you don’t have them handy, I sometimes just use soy sauce and/or hot sauce.

  2. I have a navy suit very similar to this–same maker, same basic style, button tabs instead of zippers at the waist–and it was a great buy. I’m a cusp sizer and recommend it!

  3. Sharing a review of the Amazon leggings that were featured a few weeks ago:

    I got them, and they’re kind of disappointing. I got the plain black and the material is closer to cotton than you’d expect for athletic leggings. The phone pocket is the right size for the my iPhone 6s + case. The length and fit are fine for a 115lb 5’2” person (I got a small), but VPL are definitely not hidden. Hope that helps anyone else who was considering them! I realize the product was featured a while ago, but I only ordered them this week after finally re-committing to exercising more this year.

      1. Target’s Champion line are great and pretty cheap. Mine look almost good as new after 40-50 washes.

  4. Does anyone have experience adopting a kitten who experienced trauma within the first few weeks of their life? Before I meet this kitty and get too attached, I want to have some understanding of what we might be in for. Kitty is now five weeks old and was found a little over a week ago alone in a basement with his paw stuck in a glue trap. Poor thing tried to chew off his paw and they had to amputate his arm at the shoulder. Foster parents say he is cuddly and loves to be held, but is nervous in open spaces and prefers to go in his crate when scared. I like the idea of adopting a cat who might not be somebody’s first choice at the shelter and my heart really goes out to him. We can provide a pretty calm environment with a covered cat bed or crate, and our current cat is super chill and unlikely to get up in Kitten’s face wanting to play.

    Anything I should be aware of/ careful of? Does anybody have a three-legged cat and can weigh in on his or her movement limitations? We have stairs.

    1. I have experience with three-legged cats and dogs. They learn super super fast to adapt and you generally wouldn’t know they are missing a leg. My parents tripod cat gets up on EVERYTHING and is the most active and mischievous cat in their house, and my tripod Chi jumps up on the couch and can do stairs just fine.

    2. I have a three-legged cat who was rescued from the middle of the road by a friend after he was hit by a car. He was somewhere around 8 weeks old. He’s 5 now.

      The vet recommended waiting to amputate until he was 4 or 5 months old because he was too small for anesthesia at that time. So I had him for a few months when his leg was uselessly hanging from his shoulder socket. Before the amputation, he dragged his leg around and it seemed to get in his way. Within 2 days of it, he was not only fine, he was better than before because he didn’t have a useless limb in his way. In fact I struggled to get him to not jump around too much so as not to aggravate his stitches! Ever since the amputation, he has not been even slightly limited in his mobility. He is 100% healthy and gets around absolutely fine, including scaling his cat tree very nimbly. Personality-wise, he is extremely cuddly and loves attention. The obvious trauma doesn’t seem to have affected him.

    5. Can’t speak to the three-legged aspect, but I have a cat who had some sort of traumatic early life experience – was a nervous wreck when I got him. He was only eight weeks old so I assumed that he would quickly grow out of his anxiety.

      He is a great cat but whatever happened to him has definitely affected him. He’s pretty shy and nervous – will sometimes flinch away from my hand if I reach down to pet him suddenly, even though I’ve had him for 90% of his life and never hit or struck him. He likes to sleep in very secret hiding places – often times I have no idea where some of his secret spots are until I randomly come across a bunch of cat hair in a secluded spot. He’s terrible with new people – runs skittering away to a hiding spot whenever a new person is around. And takes a long time to adjust to people; I lived with my boyfriend for a year before he stopped hissing at him.

      All that said… the good things are that he is a sweet and affectionate cat when he’s not busy being frightened. He’s chatty and goofy when he’s feeling relaxed. Whatever happened to him has only made him skittish, but never aggressive – I think that’s pretty typical for cats. He eventually warmed to my boyfriend and now they are best pals and I think my boyfriend is secretly honored by his affection because it took so long to win him over. Honestly, the most challenging part of having him as a pet is explaining to people that no, he probably is not going to come say hello to them no matter how much they love cats, and also feeling sorry for him when he bolts out of the room in a blind panic because the UPS man is coming up the front walk.

        1. Thank you! I do often wonder what those first eight weeks of life were like for him.

          I should also mention that he is five years old now and I do see small signs of him becoming more confident – like I had people over the other night in the living room and saw him sneak into the kitchen to nibble from his bowl, which is a departure from his usual policy of staying firmly hidden when strangers are in the house. So I like to think he’s improving. And he really is a delightful cat a lot of the time.

      2. Counterpoint to this: I adopted a cat who was terrified of humans (bc of abuse) to the point of basically being feral. He gradually got used to me and is now the most docile cat I have ever met. It took a year for him to be less afraid of people but he was about a year old when I adopted him. So I would say it is heavily dependent on the cat.

        1. We have a cat that we purchased from a lovely breeder at a young age. I’m confident that our kitty has never known anything but a loving home. The other kittens in her litter were very curious and happy. But our kitty was afraid of EVERYTHING!
          We have a quiet home with no kids and no other pets. We treat this kitty like the princess that she is. Even still, 10 years later, she is still very timid. Particularly around new people in our home. We had our house painted and I had to take time off to babysit the cat. The painters were actually upset that our cat wasn’t more friendly and they were incredibly gentle and considerate of her.
          So my experience is that it is very dependent on the cat.

    6. I’m so glad you’re thinking of adopting this kitty! It will likely depend on the cat, but at least in my experience, they can totally adapt and become loving furballs…albeit with some traces of the trauma. My own cat was dumped when she was 1-2 years old and the owner moved (we think), and she spent quite a while fending for herself outside. She is the sweetest, most docile thing ever and loves people, but definitely still defaults to hiding when there are loud noises. She also has food attachment issues from being hungry.

    7. Kitten Lady has a great youtube channel focused on fostering kittens, with a range of needs.

    8. I think it’s awesome if you can give this kitty a home. Hopefully since is he is only five weeks he may be more adaptable to a new environment. I think playtime would help help build his confidence and help him come out and explore. I love Da Bird. Maybe you can also buy a Cat Ball to keep in a common area to give him a place to hide.

      Cats are amazing at adapting to physical issues. One of my favorite accounts on Instagram is _gochloego_ who has rear leg paralysis. The videos of her are so fun to watch!

    9. Used to work in vet med and will summarize it like this: most cats will adapt very quickly and well. They have extreme survival drive and rarely suffer from whatever the physical affliction is. As part of adapting, they do develop avoidance behaviors (like not liking open spaces in this case) that can be difficult to modify. These will subside over time (lacking repeated trauma) but often will resurface with stress. This is really considered to be OK unless it is aggressive. Often, after a few years of normal life, these disassociate with triggering stimuli and morph into adorable quirks that owners accept and love. Since the kitten is so young, I would expect him to get there very quickly.

    10. Thanks everyone! He still has a couple of weeks of recovery from surgery before we can meet him but I think I’ll move forward with meeting him and seeing if we connect. Glad to hear that many cats bounce back from trauma or, even if they have some lasting effects, it can lessen over time in the right environment.

    11. Chiming in add that my kitten wasn’t disabled, but had “trauma” in that she was found in Sandy clean up and was rather young when she was scooped up into a box and abandoned (with food) for a few hours/days, during which she wasn’t properly washed or “kitten” trained. I had to teach her to potty for a few days and she never learned to retract her claws, so gets stuck on my close when she makes biscuits, or on random fabric, and gets mad and hisses (at the world).

      BUT, after 3 years or so, she suddenly became a cuddly cat, and a lap cat, and follows me around and usually sleeps on or near my pillow. She grew up with two friendlier older brothers who never really became lap cats.

    12. I doubt anyone is still reading, but I feel like I have to weigh in here. No experience with amputees, but I adopted a cat when she was about 1.5 years old. She had been a stray/feral all her life and was very anti-people – I think capture was very traumatic based on a few specific behaviors. I kept her for a few years but ended up having to surrender her back to the shelter where I got her. Some of her behaviors got better – she warmed to me, for instance, and hid from rather than hissed at strangers. But she was never going to be a cuddly, docile cat, or one that I would feel comfortable leaving alone with a child. She also sometimes displayed some violent behaviors that worried me, and in one case she injured me pretty badly because I happened to be nearby when she needed to take out some aggression. (Trust me on this one – I did not instigate. I have lots of experience with cats.)
      It wasn’t a horror story by any means and I’m glad to have made that time of her life a lot better, but ultimately I decided it was the best move to rehome her. She ended up being placed on a farm, which I like to think is a better fit for her personality.

  5. What are your favourite self-care activities? My therapist has suggested that more self-care would be helpful for anxiety, and I’m trying to think of low cost /free activities that would fall into this category.

    1. Sitting around with a face mask on
      Reading a paper fashion magazine
      Yoga
      Cat cuddles
      Taking a walk outside

    3. A long walk, preferably in the mountains or somewhere not just around my neighborhood, coffee with a friend, a long bubble bath (ok I admit I usually drink a bottle of wine while taking a bath). One of my most favorite things to do is to allow myself permission to have a lazy Saturday. Me and the kids will stay in our pajamas most of the day, watch movies, read, eat easy snacks or order in, and just relax. I sometimes feel guilty for not cleaning or doing an activity or whatever like most weekends, so it is nice to just give myself permission to kind of slack off every now and then.

      1. +1 So important to give yourself permission to relax and self care. Schedule it if you have to then the anxiety can’t guilt you in to doing something “more productive”

        I find not to difficult crochet while listening to audiobooks to be an inexpensive way to relax and focus just on me. My hands are busy and my mind is taken up with the audiobook.

    4. Going for a simple walk or hike takes me out of my own head and brings me peace, especially when everything starts blooming in the spring. Losing myself in a good book is also a lovely form of self-care for me.

          1. I disagree. Check out the weird capitalizations and reference to bodily functions in 3-year-old language. SHE’S back!!!

          2. Real Ellen would have referred to her tuchus, not ‘making poopie.’ The spelling is bad, but not in the way that Ellen misspelled. Also no random caps, or references to men stareing at her.

      2. During a particularly anxious time this summer, I walked and walked and walked, all outside. I listened to podcasts on non-serious topics while I walked. I also need time to read.

    6. Going for a walk, reading a good book, zoning out with a magazine and a cup of coffee …

      And this one is highly specific to me, but if I take a Friday off work, my favorite way to start the day is 1) sleeping in, 2) binge watching recorded episodes of the Pioneer Woman while drinking coffee, then 3) baking and pretending I am the Pioneer Woman.

        1. She is a little creepy, tbh. But her recipes (and the ranch) remind me of home, so I can overlook the creep factor.

        2. I thought she seemed so smart and sweet and charming as a cooking challenge judge. Then caught her show. Much more likable as a judge. I think the show almost forces the creepiness and is so fake. “Let me reward my hard-working men on the ranch with these fixins’ .” The woman went to USC for crying out loud.

          1. Her husband’s family actually owns one of the largest if not the largest cattle ranch in Oklahoma. I think some of the faux down home attitude is to detract from the fact that shes sitting on a pile of her husband’s inherited wealth.

    7. My top three are bubble baths, running, and reading. Bonus points if I can go for a run, come home, and read a book in the tub.

    8. French fries.

      And I’m fine with it.

      I really love them, and they are very satisfying.

    9. Different from “activities,” but sometimes the self-care I need is giving myself permission not to do something. That could be letting DH take Kiddo to an activity and breakfast without me, saying it’s not a good week to meet Friend for lunch, or not going to a networking event I usually try to make it to. It doesn’t matter so much what I do instead–sometimes catching up on laundry counts as “self care” because I’ve been stressed out about not having anything nice to wear everyday for a week.

      1. Not sure if that’s a euphemism for m@sturbating or not, but either way: good idea.

        1. Yep, it is.

          It’s an extended metaphor around here (maybe everywhere?) for getting around mod.

    11. I’ve been taking long walks with a podcast. (While I know walking is good for me, I find it toooo boring to do without something else. So podcasts! And it’s one of the few times I’m uninterrupted enough to actually listen!)

    12. Honestly, yesterday my idea of self care was eating a Little Debbie zebra cake.

      Other times – spending time by myself reading a book or watching TV. I’m am introvert and need quiet time to recharge.

      Like someone mentioned above – giving myself permission to not do something. Last night I left the dirty dishes in the sink and went to bed early.

    13. Sheet masks. Love them, mostly because it requires me to take 25 minutes to just lie down and let the sheet mask sink in.

    14. You’ve gotten a lot of really great suggestions here. One thing I might add: It’s been helpful for me to shift my thinking around self-care from an activity–a treat or a splurge–to more of a mindset. I make it a goal to care for myself generally. Going to get a pedicure on a Saturday afternoon might be self-care, but so is making sure I get enough sleep and developing good sleep hygiene so my sleep is restorative, being thoughtful about eating so that I’m nourishing by body with nutrient-rich, satisfying foods that make me feel good, and making regular exercise a priority so that I can use my body to do things I love for many years to come.
      When I transitioned from thinking about self care as an indulgence to thinking about it as a daily practice, it was transformative for my physical health, but also my mental health, including specifically anxiety and depression.

    15. You’ve gotten a lot of really great suggestions here. One thing I might add: It’s been helpful for me to shift my thinking around self-care from an activity–a treat or a splurge–to more of a mindset. I make it a goal to care for myself generally. Going to get a pedicure on a Saturday afternoon might be self-care, but so is making sure I get enough sleep and developing good sleep hygiene so my sleep is restorative, being thoughtful about eating so that I’m nourishing by body with nutrient-rich, satisfying foods that make me feel good, and making regular exercise a priority so that I can use my body to do things I love for many years to come.
      When I transitioned from thinking about self care as an indulgence to thinking about it as a daily practice, it was transformative for my physical health, but also my mental health, including specifically anxiety and depression.

    17. I take a nice long bath almost every night. My husband tells me to meditate. I’m like, I got my bath!! I’m FINE.

    18. Thank you so much! These are all really great suggestions. I’ve got lots of ideas, and will definitely be bookmarking this page to check back for inspiration in the next few weeks.

      1. I struggle with this, too. I find puzzles to be a very helpful activity, because I’m “working” on something/busy and the finished puzzle is satisfying, but it’s mentally relaxing to be focused on something that doesn’t matter and isn’t permanent. I try to do a 300-piece puzzle, which is good for one sitting solo. If you can do a puzzle with a family member or friend and a beer, that’s my favorite way.

        1. Puzzles! Yes! Husband and I do 1000-piece ones together while watching Netflix shows. We are an exciting couple. aren’t we?

    1. I was NOT sure this was a PLUS size, but I LOVE Tahari and this suit. I would like it in NAVY BLUE b/c the manageing partner says I need to spread my wings a bit more then I have been b/c of the need to cultivate NEW CLEINTS! YAY!!!!! If that means new clotheing, I am ALL for it, b/c I get to donate my old clotheing to NY Cares and Good will, and get a TAX Deduction! I am not sure if this is subject to the $10000 limit Dad keeps railing on about, but if it isn’t I will be all set. Dad is doeing my returns this year, and he said that I do NOT even have to sign it this year! How can this be? No wonder there is so much fraud out there! FOOEY!

  7. Does anyone have any tips/suggestions for feelings of anxiety related to work? My main job has a fickle boss so I never know if I’ll be praised, chastised, or left neutral when I submit work and my side gig has a rating system which makes me feel anxious all the time because I always fear bad feedback scores.

    I’d prefer not to medicate on a constant basis since I need to be able to drive and function and I’m already on migraine meds and I worry about an interaction. However, this can’t continue as it feels awful!

    1. My similar anxiety was ultimately caused by weak self-esteem. My therapist recommended The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Warning that the author is extreeemely long-winded (skip the first four chapters), but so right on the money it’s eerie.

    2. I also encourage you to think differently about medications for anxiety.

      Unfettered anxiety is very, very bad for your body and brain. That is why you feel awful. Long term stress effects on the body (anxiety = stress response) is associated with elevated levels of the hormone cortisol which can have serious long term effects, including everything from increase incidence of heart disease and sudden death and cognitive decline. These effects are much worse than the vast majority of anxiety medications, many of which you may not need long term. An anxious and distracted brain is often less efficient, and less attentive while driving and “functioning”.

      Migraines and anxiety are two of the most common diagnoses out there. There are many ways to treat both safely. And as you have learned, poorly controlled anxiety can also trigger migraines, so there’s that….

      Are you seeing someone for your anxiety?

  8. I’m from the rural Midwest, where weddings are very often “everybody pitch in and help” affairs. Over the years I’ve cooked food, set up tables and chairs, arranged flowers, and so on for family and friends’ weddings. People ask nicely, and I’m happy to help. But I think I’m hitting a limit with my sister’s upcoming wedding: she has -told- me that my husband and I need to be at her venue at 8am for set up, a process that she estimates will take three to four hours. After the reception, she needs us to handle take down, a task that must be completed by 1am. Based on the timing for the ceremony and reception, I anticipate that this deadline will require some fairly furious work. We live out of state, so our Sunday will be spent driving the twelve hours home to make it to work on Monday morning. If she were acknowledging that this is a huge pain for us and explaining how we (and not, say, her friends or some paid employees of the venue) are the only people who can do this for her, I’d do it cheerfully. I am the very opposite of cheerful and want to say “oh, he ll no,” but I’m concerned that, if my husband and I don’t take the lead on these tasks, the majority of the work will fall to my elderly parents.

    I am low key furious with her and not in the best frame of mind to bring this up. Does anyone have any scripts (preferrably not beginning with “oh, he ll no”) or outside of the box solutions to this situation? Or would you like to agree with me that my sister is being unreasonable?

    1. Where’s the groom’s family in this? Maybe “I’m happy to help and I’m available to do set up or take down but unfortunately doing both will likely leave DH and I too exhausted to safely drive all day on Sunday. Have you thought about asking future SIL, or BFF to help?”

    2. Ohhh boy. I’m also from the rural Midwest and am familiar with the “everybody pitch in” concept, and I still think your sister is asking too much from you. I would be OK with the Saturday morning request, but I would push back on the post-wedding tear-down festivities, on the grounds that you won’t be able to drive safely if you don’t get enough sleep. Now’s the time to rope in a cousin or family friend to pitch in.

      Family weddings are just hard, especially for a sibling. I really didn’t like how my youngest sister’s wedding went down, in terms of what it required from our other sister and I at a time when we had zero extra energy. I don’t have very good memories of her wedding, even though it was an objectively nice event. (I had an infant and was still breastfeeding and ended up with mastitis because my nursing/pumping schedule got screwed up during the wedding weekend; sister was pregnant and dealing with hypermesis. Oh, and both of us had tiny kids who did not sleep well in hotels.)

      1. So… your sister should just not have gotten married? Maybe this is just touching a raw nerve as I’m in the middle of wedding planning, but I fell all over myself to help with my friends’ and sisters’ weddings (because I love them and recognized it was a huge day. And now they all have kids and my wedding is just some chore they have to attend to because they’re on to a more important phase of their lives…

        1. Weddings are not the be-all end-all of your existence, or anyone else’s. Please, grow up.

        2. This is way late to chime in, but here I go: I think reciprocity is probably the wrong way to look at this.

          Let’s say I attended my friend’s Hortense’s wedding. I could afford to do so easily, and I had the vacation time I needed to make the trip. When I got married, she didn’t come because she couldn’t afford the trip. Exact reciprocity would require her to find the money. Sell your car, girl! I saw you get married. You come see me. But I can see that this would “cost” her way more, even if the plane tickets are the same price. Insisting she attend isn’t fairness. It’s not equality. It’s not even friendship.

          It sucks when people don’t step up the way you expect them to. It does! I’ve been disappointed in that myself more than once. I’m with you. I hope things work out for you really well in spite of whatever’s happening.

          But it also sucks to put people in bad spots like b-feeding anon was in. I’d like to believe that occasions where we celebrate love and commitment can be ones where we can be kind and considerate to the people we care about.

          1. I think you’re missing the point.

            There is a very real “thing” that happens wherein when a women gets married young, all of her girl friends attend – some take out loans on credit cards to fly across the country, they sleep four to a hotel room, whatever it is, it gets done. Those young brides have kids – and the same pack of girls attends the baby shower, buys presents, and fetes the new mom.

            But when the gal pals find love later in life, the women who married young sort of do this snotty thing wherein they imply that they’ve outgrown wedding celebrations for their friends. It’s horrible, and it ruins friendships.

            You can weasel around it by saying that exact reciprocity doesn’t work, but that’s bull. Can’t make it? Send a thoughtful present she’ll have forever and take her out for champagne when she’s in town.

        3. hahaha that’s when you ask OTHER friends, not the ones who are breastfeeding. Yeah no I am not going to not breastfeed my child to break down your tables. hahahahaha. No.

    3. Do you have money you could throw at the problem? Maybe for her wedding present, you hire help so the family can relax and focus on her more.

      1. That’s what I’d do. If taskrabbit is in the area, I’d hire a team of them to do both the set-up & clean-up. You could view that as your wedding gift.

      2. Yep, exactly this. I got told for my brother’s wedding that I’d be driving my mom’s minivan as a shuttle bus for the bridal party (which would require multiple trips between each destination), to which I said, “SURPRISE! Your wedding present is a MINI-BUS RENTAL!”

    4. My bet is her estimate of time set up and take down is probably wrong. It always takes longer than people assume it will. I would come up with a speech for her about how you want this to be the best possible day for her, and how you will need time to get ready to look okay for pictures and you wouldn’t want to be responsible for having things not go smoothly and get behind time. Tell her that you are happy to help but you will need some other helping hands. Ask her to ask some other people to help out and then as a group many hands will make light work.

    5. “Just wanted to give you a heads up that we won’t be able to help with X and Y, due to our need to leave early on Sunday. We’re still happy to help with A and B.” If you can help her brainstorm who might be able to help with the other pieces, that could help deflect from your parents. But otherwise, see what money you can throw at the issue.

    6. Don’t address the fact that this is an excessive thing to ask. Just tell her that you’ve thought it through and can only do, for example, the morning set-up due to the drive home the next day.

      The more laid-back and matter of fact you are, the better it will be received.

    7. Sis- this is too much work for me and husband to take on and obvi our parents can’t help. Let’s make a different plan together.

      1. +1 agree

        She’s being unreasonable and it feels totally unfair that you have to be reasonable in response. But I think if you want this to go smoothly, you have to both say no and offer alternate solutions. In a just world, she would realize she’s wrong and apologize. But this isn’t a just world, she probably won’t, and if the goal is to get out of this wedding without a screaming fight, offer solutions.

    8. Could you set some boundaries, i.e., “I can help with X and Y, but not A and B.” Or, “I can help on -day from X to Y o’clock, but we are leaving on Sunday at X o’clock so we won’t be able to help with that.”

    9. Hmm I see it differently. If you’ve happily done this, embracing the culture, for other friends and family, what makes you think you should draw the line at your sister?!? I don’t know you, but this screams you don’t get along. Hmmm. In that case, maybe just suck it up. Weddings aren’t usually a good time to pick a family fight.

      1. My objection is to 1) being told rather than asked and 2) the indifference to whether or not this is going to work for me. I feel like “hey, I really need you to XYZ because ABC. Is that something you’re willing to do?” is just… the way to ask for a huge favor. “Hey, you have to do XYZ for me” leaves a really bad taste. If some D-list cousin came to be like this, I’d just refuse straightaway.

        2. Yes, your complaints are all about “how” you were asked/told. This is personal and not about the actual inconvenience which you’d “cheerfully” shoulder if asked in a way that suits you. Not being supportive at a wedding can have outsized impacts. Maybe you don’t care – like I said it seems you don’t get along with her. But it does seem odd that you’d do this for others but not her. Just a point of view. I don’t think I have enough info to judge. I just think you should be careful. And the “can’t believe you’d do this to our parents” usually isn’t a good argument to throw around at weddings either. They are adults too.

          1. Your comments are way, way off base here. I think you’re projecting onto the OP. Are you her sister, by chance?

    10. Find a way to say no. I got roped into “helping” like this with a good friend’s wedding a few years ago. He expected us to be there 5 hours early for back-breaking physical labor in 100-degree heat to set up, and then stay all the way through the wedding (we were also told “don’t try to end the party early, my friends love to party”) to tear down afterwards. Hubs and I did the setup (and I hurt myself) but husband and I bowed out of the cleanup as we were exhausted. It was a miserable experience and it honestly changed how I felt about my friend. I realize not everyone can hire a wedding planner or have the wedding at a fancy venue, but hiring a couple of guys to move chairs and tables (or negotiating that into a supplier contract) is not that hard or expensive. It’s better for brides and grooms to spend extra money than press their friends and family into service and permanently damage relationships.

  9. I’m not always the coworker who’s always cold, but today, either I’m coming down with the flu or they turned on the air conditioning (because spring is “here” now?). I have my coat on, hat, scarf, gloves, I’m still freezing. What is happening??

    1. My office is the same way, and it is miserable! I’m wearing a tank, shell, blazer and fleece jacket. Still freezing. It’s only 50 degrees, so turning on the A/C would be nuts, but I swear I feel cold air coming out of the vents.

      1. It’s not even that where I am, it’s 35 degrees give or take and we’re expecting a snow storm.

        I just wanna go home and curl up next to a space heater under five blankets.

  10. Its midnight. You want a snack. You go to open your kitchen pantry/fridge and inside is your favorite snack…what snack is sitting there?

          1. I’ve recently realized that you can PUT peanut butter ONTO ice cream! All my dreams coming true!

          3. Rainbow Hair -put the peanut butter on a plate or bowl and microwave it for 20 seconds first. It will become liquidy and you can poor it over the ice cream! I also do that to make a dip for my bananas.

          4. oh nooo why don’t i have a microwave?! [tinfoil hat] [no really just counterspace miser]

          5. I mean, you could also melt it in a small saucepan. There’s nothing a microwave can do that a stovetop can’t.

        2. I can’t keep Nutella in my house for this reason. And because I don’t have the self control to just eat a spoonful or two.

    7. A big box of Nabisco Nutter Butter! YAY!!!!!! Of course, my tuchus will pay the price tomorrow, but I have to eat those until my Dad moves in b/c he said he is going to PURGE my home of all junk food once he takes up residence with me in my new apartement once it is built. FOOEY!

    10. Cheesecake.

      But instead, last night I tried to be healthy by eating some whole milk french vanilla greek yogurt with blueberries thrown in.

      It did the trick. And I feel less guilt.

    13. I pop some popcorn and put TJ’s allium salt and sumac on it, plus some butter.

    14. Good cheese (not the block of store brand cheddar) with crackers. Or lime flavored tortilla chips and guacamole.

  11. I’m 37, single, and at the point where most of my friends are coupled and/or in the throes of parenting young kids. I have six weeks vacation from work and a local family, so no need to travel for holidays.

    I’m already planning a two-week trip to southeast Asia in September with friends, but I want to plan some shorter trips in between.

    I have never really traveled alone, and I worry I’d get lonely. However, the idea of group travel really turns me off… or maybe I just haven’t found the right group? I don’t like being on someone else’s schedule, and I don’t like groups of rowdy, drunk Americans. Are there travel groups that lean more intellectual? Or groups that you can join for part of a trip? I feel like what I’m looking for is the 30/40something version of the kinds of trips my parents take!

    Some places I’m interested in that I haven’t seen:

    Costa Rica
    Nicaragua
    Most of Mexico (outside of the capital and Riviera Maya, which I have seen)
    Portugal
    Belgium
    Hungary
    Switzerland
    Czech Republic

    When in doubt, I usually just return to NYC because there’s always something new to see and I know it well, but I’d like to do something different.

    Or should I just go to London and Paris solo? I wouldn’t worry about getting lonely, bored or unsafe there…

    Where would you go?

    1. I think all the places you’ve mentioned sound great, and I’m envious of your 6 weeks vacation! Don’t forget domestic locations, Sedona, Seattle, somewhere in Montana… And don’t hesitate to make your almost-set-in-place plans and reach out to any of your friends that are coupled/parenting young kids to ask if they want to join. Then you have your trip planned regardless and if you get company you want, even better. You never know. I’m in a phase right now, even with parenting young kids, that I would totally join in on a trip without my husband or kids.

      1. Agree, don’t write off your friends who are moms! They might jump at the chance to do a trip sans husband and children, even if just for a weekend.

      2. I wish you were like my married/mom friends. For them going on a vacation without their families is unimaginable.

    2. Iceland! If you haven’t already been, I went to Iceland solo a few years ago and it was great. Based myself in Reykjavik and did day tours via Viator and the like, some of which were with other groups and some of which were solo/with just a single tour guide. And when I wasn’t feeling like dealing with strangers, I explored the city and it surrounds by myself. It was a nice way to travel solo, but not be entirely solo for a week. You could certainly do the same in most of the places on your list! There’s also a solo traveler forum on TripAdvisor and, when I was browsing a year or two ago, it definitely had posts just like yours — single woman early/mid-30’s looking for solo travel suggestions, tour groups, etc. And my alma mater has “intellectual” tours, but my sense is that they tend to skew a bit older (probably because they’re so expensive) —

    4. I been to Paris solo and it’s amazing. I loved getting lost the Lourve during evening hours and just wandering around Paris, eating and resting whenever and whereever I felt like it. Seeing the Eifel tower at night was fantastic because there was no pressure to do anything romantic or to feel a particular way. For me, I do get lonely with solo travel, after ~1 week. This is worse in countries where I don’t speak the language because I have so few interactions with people (beyond miming “1 ticket for entry”). An occasional tour in English helps with this (Paris Walking Tours were excellent).

      I strongly recommend solo travel. It’s a very different, much more immersive, experience than traveling with friends/ SOs. You can do what you want, when you want to instead of accommodating others’ preferences.

      I’ve also considered doing something like “Smithsonian Journeys”. Many schools do more intellectually oriented trips as well (I used to know someone who ran the China trips for an Ivy League school. She was an expert in Chinese painting and one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met). These trips can be pretty wonkish but I have a sense that the clientele runs older (retired).

    5. I don’t know if they would lean more intellectual, but you could also try one of those bike tour companies if you’re looking for something a little different. I would at least think that a bike tour group wouldn’t be getting hammered every night, knowing they’re going to have to bike 20 or 30 miles the next day! Plus it would be a low-stress trip to do alone because the tour company would plan it all. I’ve thought about doing one in eastern Europe but always seem to plan something else.

      1. Hah! You’ve clearly never been on a bike tour! People ride to *get* to the apres-ride.

    6. I traveled for a month alone after college. I have a couple of recommendations.
      1. Go by yourself. You will love having the flexibility to do what you want when you want.
      2. Book single day/half day tours with companies. I could always find someone on an excursion to talk to, and fairly often was invited to dinner with them if the tour ended before then. I like to do museums alone but found that for historical sites and anything that was hard to get to by public transport, it was way easier to book a tour. This way I got the best of both worlds, choosing what I wanted to do and when to do it, but could meet people as well. My favorite were morning half day tours because then I had the second half of the day to either hang out with a new-found friend or continue on exploring the city I was in. I have been on a scheduled 2-week tour where you spend your entire time with a group of people, and you probably couldn’t pay me to do that again. There were some many things that I wish I could have spent more time at (the Louvre), and so many stops that I couldn’t care less about (a lot of graves of wealthy people). I went to Paris, but didn’t get to see Versailles!
      3. You are often safer alone than in a group. In a group, everyone thinks everyone else is watching over their bags, etc. for pickpockets and thieves, whereas alone you are hyper-vigilant about making sure you have hands on all of your luggage and bags.
      4. Hostels. This may or may not appeal to you, but there were several “older” people staying at hostels I stayed at. They got invited out for meals just like everyone else. The key here is to pick hostels that have private rooms and have reviews that mention being quiet/peaceful/etc. It is easy to spot the party hostels from reviews.
      5. Bring a Kindle/e-reader. I read during almost every meal I didn’t have someone to eat with. Waiters were more than happy to give me the wifi password even if I didn’t need it, and often would make chit-chat with me, especially if I ate during non-peak hours. I honestly feel more lonely eating alone at home then I did on the road because the people watching aspect was great.

      Any of the places you mentioned from Portugal down are fine to travel solo. I would be more cautious about South America, but do not have any direct experience. Southeast Asia is known for being great for solo female travelers.

      I promise you will love traveling alone! Just give yourself opportunities where it is easy to meet other people, and you won’t get lonely.

    7. Check your alma mater to see if they have alumni tours/trips. Some universities open these to the public. They’re usually fairly structured but with lots of personal/free time to do whatever you want.

      If I had 6 weeks, I’d go to Taiwan, Japan, Shanghai, and Korea.

    8. Vacation alone is AWESOME! I did not realize how awesome until I spent a very long weekend in Chicago alone about 12 years ago. I got a pricey symphony ticket, I saw every single thing in the art museum, I wandered aimlessly downtown just to see the architecture…you get the idea. If there is a place you want to go, just do it and have a great time!

    9. Martin Randall, UK travel group. Might skew to a higher age group but not entirely. Art, music, hiking, architecture type trips.

    10. I haven’t tried this company out, but I have been looking at Flashpack for myself. It’s a UK -based tour company specifically for professionals in their 30s and 40s. They cater to solo travelers. I think someone here mentioned them once. (Would also love to hear opinions if anyone has any experience with them–they’re not cheap).

  12. I’m a vegetarian and have started Weight Watchers on the recs of several friends. I am a dedicated snacker and usually split my day’s calories to accommodate my habit. On WW, my go-to snacks are using up all my days’ points. I’ve tried switching to zero point snacks like fruits and veggies. But plain celery is a poor replacement for celery and Sunbutter, and I’m currently starving. Does anyone have any advice/experience in this regard?

    1. My sister found success for her ongoing hunger when she was dieting by drinking sparkling water instead of still water all day, and with every meal.

    2. Roasted cauliflower, roasted with curry powder occasionally. It’s zero points (or was in 2015) and much more filling than fruit (which I love but don’t find very satisfying).

    4. String cheese. “Light” string cheese is only one point. Pair it with an apple and a hardboiled egg. There are some decently low point cracker/chip things if you want crunch. Look for things that are puffed or popped. I think wheat thins has a line. Hummus is a good and filling dip. Salsa is free, helps with the celery/carrots.

  13. We are moving into our new house soon but need to do a deep clean first. Current owners have a cat and a dog and I am allergic to cats. What should the (professional) cleaners be doing? So far on the list in addition to the deep clean: the ducts are being cleaned out, the carpets shampooed (carpet only in the basement and one guest bedroom of the house), and the hardwood floors cleaned (I think this will be cleaning/buffing/waxing?). Is there anything else we are missing that should be specified other than “professional deep clean” with the additional items above? We will not be replacing the carpets as they are actually super clean and high quality and the house is just 3 years old – there are no stains or wear and tear, I just need a good clean. Any ideas from those who have done this before?

    1. Oh I forgot to add the grout will be cleaned out in all tile areas (bathroom, entry, laundry room).

    2. Have the walls washed as well. You might consider repainting your bedroom as you’ll be in there longer than any other room (1/3 of your day).

      I would also be inclinded to air out the house as much as possible by leaving windows open for a few hours (depending on your location).

    3. Make sure that the deep clean include dusting of all light fixtures, blinds, tops of the window and door frames, window sills, ceiling fan blades, and baseboards.

    4. Sounds like you’re on top of it, but…

      If there are any drapes left on the windows, pull them down and either get rid of them or take them to a dry cleaner/ specialty cleaner.

      When you get new AC filters, change them often when you first move in to make sure all the cat hair still lingering gets filtered out.

      Even though it’s a pain, make sure all appliances that stay are moved and they clean underneath them. Those small spaces are major pet hair traps.

    5. Make sure that the deep clean includes dusting of all light fixtures, blinds, tops of the window and door frames, window sills, ceiling fan blades, and baseboards.

    6. Consider using a high quality air filter for a few months after the house is cleaned if you’re not replacing the carpet, depending on how allergic you are.

    7. I’ve only ever done this myself, but as someone who is highly allergic to cats and has rented after cat-owners multiple times here are a few suggestions. The big on is to make sure any vents, radiators, etc, are cleaned, which you’ve already got. Above the kitchen cabinets, if the space is open, can accumulate a surprising amount of cat hair/dander (either from it just being in the hair or the cats actually hanging out up there, not sure). If you’re keeping blinds or window coverings, make sure those are thoroughly washed and wiped down. Also make sure the tops of door frames are cleaned.

    8. Ceiling fan blades should be wiped down or replaced if you can find the same blades. We didn’t realize until closing day that the owners’ dog was going to be a problem for my allergies. The internet told us that dogs often rub their dander on the walls, so I recommend painting all the rooms if you can. With allergies, some carpets may need to be replaced even though they are in otherwise good condition. We cleaned the ducts as well and we are still, two years later, finding dog hairs in the hinges of closet doors. Window treatments with absorbent materials (like cloth blinds or curtains) may need to be replaced; at the very least, they should be deep-cleaned (shampooed).

    9. Agree 100% with washing the walls, which should be part of deep clean but doesn’t hurt to double check. I’d ask them to pay special attention to baseboards where hair and dander get trapped and also to corners (where one wall meets another). I’m a cat person and my cat, like most cats, spends a lot of time rubbing himself on every corner in my house (it’s a marking/scent thing). All, all, all of the ducts need to be cleaned, even in places that don’t scream cat, like kitchens or bathrooms. And you need to change any filters in your HVAC unit(s) before move-in too. Would also pay attention to window tracks/window sills (my cat lives in a window for half the day).

    10. Thanks everyone! We will be painting and replacing drapery in re-decorating anyways, so I think we will be in pretty good shape. I wrote these down on as a sort of punch list for the cleaners. Good reminder to let it air out! Thanks again!

      1. And make sure you get any cabinet interiors washed, including pulling out drawers and cleaning under/ behind them.

  14. I’ve done Switerzland solo – it’s super safe and easy peasy. Also done Budapest solo but that was like 10 years ago – fine at the time but not looped into any current issues.

    Just want to add a plug for inviting friends who are moms when you travel. I could definitely meet up for a 5 day trip with a girlfriend. That might break up your trips a bit if you met up with a friend for part of the time.

    Doing classes – like a cooking class in Italy or a painting class in France or a guided day hike in Switzerland is also a great way to meet likeminded travelers. I spend a day traveling around Rome with a girl I met on a museum tour who was also solo.

  15. How do you know if you have depression (or maybe anxiety)? Recently I’ve been thinking I might have one or both, but I’m not sure if what I’m feeling (and have been feeling for quite some time) is all just normal and I’m just not as proactive/high-achieving as other people. My main issue is that I just feel generally unmotivated to do anything (get out of bed, shower, clean up, do work tasks that aren’t immediately pressing, etc). I also overthink EVERYTHING (what time to go to the grocery store, what I should do with the rest of my life, etc.) but I’m not sure if this is all normal and I’m just being whiny or what. I do make it to work at a decent hour (most days), get my work done just fine with no quality issues, and generally take basic care of myself, but I just feel like I don’t have the energy/motivation to do much more than the bare minimum. Thoughts?

    1. Here’s a thing my bff told me when I started thinking about talking to a therapist: Maybe she’ll tell you you’re fine and you can stop worrying whether you’re fine or not. Maybe she can help. You’ll win either way.

      In light of this very good advice, I say go to a therapist and get checked out. Maybe you have depression, anxiety, ADD, or something. Maybe you’re just comparing yourself on a regular day to other people on their best day or you’re bored at work. But wouldn’t it be good to find out? To get a solid opinion?

      1. +1 to this, that’s a great way to think about it.

        Everyone goes through times in their lives where motivation lags, where it feels like you’re just keeping your head above water. Sometimes you can pull yourself out of that on your own, but sometimes you need a boost.

        FWIW, what you describe sounds a lot like how I feel when I’m starting to need another check-in with my therapist.

    2. I agree with the posts above. I think therapy is such a great tool, too. Like it sounds like you wish you felt more motivated/energetic? So regardless of whether you meet the diagnostic criteria for depression, wouldn’t it be nice to talk to someone whose job is to help you be the person you want to be? Maybe that’s a person who is peppier and does more, or maybe it’s a person who doesn’t worry about not being peppy enough?

      I am a big ol’ therapy booster.

    3. I’m in the same boat. I get things done but don’t go above and beyond. I have one class today that I’m skipping just because I want to chill at home, even though I have two days of chill time coming up. I’m not sure what it is either – could be depression, but not sure. I encourage you to try therapy.

    4. Before I was diagnosed one of my major symptoms was total disinterest in doing anything you mentioned (getting out of bed, taking care of myself).

      Even though I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I’m now on medication and doing 1000% better, I’m still a person who overthinks everything and who enjoys being lazy.

    5. Whether you’re depressed or not, CBT helped me with some of the things you’re describing. I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to optimize everything – like, if I had to run errands on Saturday morning, I would become paralyzed thinking about the most efficient route to go to each place when it would be least crowded, factoring in opening times and distance and parking and every factor I could think of. And then if that didn’t work, I’d just give up. “I didn’t make it to the pet store before 10:30 AM so I guess I just won’t go AT ALL!” (And then, later, “I’m a failure because I didn’t even go to the pet store today and that was something I should have done.”)

      Therapy was helpful in examining my thoughts and figuring out what I want to do with those thoughts, not just blinding following whatever my (slightly wacky) brain came up with. If you are an over-thinker, you can exhaust yourself in the course of daily life because your brain is kind of always functioning in overdrive. Helping my brain calm down has helped me feel like I have more energy because I’m wasting less of it on unhelpful thoughts.

      1. Oh man, that optimizing thing is so something I do. I tend to overly plan things and then give up when something inevitably doesn’t go as planned.

        This is all so helpful, y’all. Now to start the process of finding a therapist I can actually open up to. When I tried a few years ago, I called a couple places listed through my insurance provider and neither were accepting new patients so I just kind of gave up. I really wish there were an easier way to do this.

        1. I hear you.

          I’ve been trying to help a family member start treatment, and they are too overwhelmed to find the therapist. He lives in a major city and I called the awesome sounding Anxiety Clinic at the major city hospital where his PCP is, and the Anxiety clinic says they don’t have any openings for new patients. And they have 1000 patients on their waiting list, and not taking any more on their waiting list. 1000….

          So many psychiatrists have left the traditional medical system and just take private pay… no insurance… or make you do the insurance processing as out of network…. so they can make as much $$ as possible. Something about it truly turns my stomach. What can you do?

      2. That’s really interesting that CBT helped you. I might have to try it because I totally do the same thing – “unless I get four uninterrupted hours, I won’t even bother starting X task today.” How do you handle tasks like the pet store now?

        1. CBT helped me to learn to take a step back and interrogate my thoughts a little more, so when I have thoughts like “Well, I’m just not going!!” I ask myself, “Why don’t you want to go? Why was it so important that you go at the time you decided on?”, it often boils down to things like, “I am upset with myself because I made a plan and didn’t stick to it, and have decided that this pet store trip is emblematic of my entire life somehow.” I think a key thing is acknowledging that my combination of perfectionism and seeing everything as representative of something larger makes it very easy for me to slip into being incredibly harsh with myself – it’s easy to get paralyzed by the need to do everything perfectly when I see every slight mishap as further confirmation that I’m Doing Everything Wrong.

          I’ve learned to redirect my mental dialogue into being much gentler and more logical with myself – reminding myself that I don’t need to judge myself on every aspect of everything. Whether I go to the pet store later in the day, or not until the next day, or I wind up ordering cat food to be delivered via Instacart at 9:30 PM, I have done a good job because I have completed the task and fulfilled my obligation as a pet owner! I remind myself, “Done beats perfect.”

  16. I have a rather embarrsassing problem with gas. I am like a grenade in my exercise class that I go to after work. Not a soda drinker. Have tried cutting out dairy, bread, and beans (obviously), but can’t pinpoint the cause. Any advice?

    1. Have you always had this problem? If its a new thing it could be because something like antibiotics wiped out your probiotics from your gut causing more gas. You could look into a strong probiotic like VSL #3 which is kept behind the counter at CVS because it needs to be refrigerated but you don’t need a prescription. You just mix the powder it into apple sauce or greek yogurt or a smoothie in the morning and take it that way.

      You could try doing Whole 30 for a month and slowly adding things back in and seeing if its things like gluten or legumes or nightshades that are causing.

      Do you chew gum or drink from a straw and are getting unnecessary amounts of air in your system?

      Ask your doctor! And see if you can get an allergy test done.

    2. Nuts and cruciferous veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, kale) also sometimes cause that issue for me.

  17. Our kid’s friend’s parents invited my husband and me to join them at the table they purchased for the school’s annual fundraising dinner (and the patron party). They’ve also invited us to have a drink at their house before the party. We accepted. We don’t know them well, but we’ve hung out with them a couple of times.

    We’re planning to write a check to the school for the amount we were planning to spend on regular tickets to the event. I’ve asked if there’s anything we can bring to their house for the drink beforehand. Is there anything we should do as guests? I’ll send a thank-you card afterwards.

    1. They invited you because they think you’re fun and want to contribute to the school. The best thing you can do as guests is to make a donation to the school (or buy something at the auction if there is one).

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