This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. Also: we just updated our big roundup for the best women's suits of 2024!
So we (ok, I) talk a lot about how you can wear light blue suits the exact same way you would a light gray suit… but looking around this morning I realized that light gray suits maybe haven't been around a lot lately. (There are still buckets of light blue suits, of course.)
The first one that caught my eye was the basic Theory suiting in “light gray melange” over at Nordstrom — blazer, trousers, and cropped pants, all on pretty great discount — but despite my best efforts I couldn't find it pictured anywhere as a suit, only as separates.
Then, when I was hunting at Theory, I found the pretty pictured suit, which I think I like even more — the crosshatched canvas tweed is a much more interesting texture and, I think, makes both places far more interesting as separates.
I like it as styled, down to the loafers, although I'd probably recommend you wear a V-neck t-shirt beneath the blazer to a) allow you to take your blazer off during the day, and b) protect the blazer from your underarm area.
The blazer was $425, but is now marked to $255, with sizes 00-14 still available. Theory has a number of matching pieces (some of the dresses are very short on the models; know your office!), including a Chanel-like jacket, all in the same canvas tweed.
The pictured pants are were $325, and are now marked to $195. There are also matching trousers in the sale, as well, but I am sorry to report that they are “carpenter pants” with some too-odd-for-work details (IMHO).
You can also find some of the canvas tweed pieces at Bloomingdale's (where they also have the same basic gray suiting on sale that I was looking at at Nordstrom), as well as Saks, and a few pieces at Neiman Marcus as well.
(Also: Theory Outlet has a light gray melange suit in stretch wool, and if you happen to be searching for a “metallic silk twill” suit in ice gray, Theory has one of those on sale as well.)
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
Senior Attorney
I hate to admit it, but I kind of love the “carpenter pants.”
Loofah
Me too! I don’t think they’re odd for work at all.
Anonymous
It depends on your work. If you.somwtimes need a hammer, they are perfect
I do like them.
Senior Attorney
There were many times at work when I wished I’d had a hammer…
Ses
I’m having a “need a hammer” day
NYNY
I would wear the hell out of those at work. Hoping they’re unpopular and I can catch a sale…
Unsub
To me they look more current than the skinny cropped.
Anon
I think they look great! I’m not understanding any of the NSFW description at all. They look really fresh.
Anon
I like them too!
Anonymous
I saw the comment this morning apologizing to the OOP from Monday with the drunk husband. I’m the poster from that thread and I wanted to say I really appreciate it, I saw it too late to respond in the morning thread.
Monday was a wild ride. I was particularly surprised by the comments criticizing me for the fact that he does my injections, including one this morning calling me “entitled”. IVF is a lot. Pregnancy is a lot. The person going through it carries so much of the burden. The very least her partner can do is something like shots. I think women should expect that of their partners. And I think partners should WANT to do that for their wife. Fwiw when we started the meds in the first round many months ago, I learned everything with him, we went through the videos and prep together, but that was months ago and he’s been doing it since then. So I wasn’t really prepared emotionally to have to do it myself. I also get nauseas and really hot every time I’m stuck with a needle, which makes it really tough to give myself multiple shots in a row.
DH and I talked earlier this week. I walked through how abandoned I’m feeling in this marriage and through this process. I had told him before we got married that I never wanted to do IVF, I’d be fine not having kids if it came to it. I did the first round because I know how much he wants children. When that failed, I was done, but again he was so sad; I agreed to do a second round on the condition that that’s it, never again. On top of that, he’s been unemployed for a year and he’s resisted getting a job that offers progyny (special IVF benefits). So it felt really galling that I’m bearing such a burden for something he wants and he can go out and throw it all away by destroying his already problematic sperm. I also feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it because our friends would hate him if they knew. His parents are wonderful people and would never hate him no matter what, but as others pointed out before, it would be totally crazy to lean on his parents for support.
He is deeply ashamed of his actions. Yet when I told him I don’t want him to drink anything until after our ER (should be this weekend) he said, well one or two is ok right? My jaw dropped. I didn’t have to say anything, he quickly backtracked. But it still has me feeling uneasy. He has been very attentive since then. He’s doing everything right. But idk.
Anon
OP, you don’t have to defend yourself on not being prepared to give yourself shots at the last minute. You had an agreement that was violated – that is wrong! I have to give myself infusions every single month for the rest of my life and my husband chooses to help me every single time. I can’t even express how much of a comfort that is – he’s a second set of eyes for QA (it’s a complicated process), he makes me laugh when things go wrong, we watch a movie together while the medication infuses, and he’s been an extra set of hands for a couple of fiddly steps where it’s very important not to make a mistake. I can do it myself – but I don’t want to and neither does he. We’re there for each other and that’s what you thought you had that day too.
You did nothing wrong and I hope for the best for you moving forward. This sounds complex and rough in so many ways. The burden on women is WAYYYYYYYYY worse in all things related to pregnancy.
Anon
Take this as you will, but my husband refused to stop drinking during my pregnancy (high risk, wanted him to be able to take me to the hospital in an emergency) and was drunk for much of my first child’s younger years. After 4 years of begging, compromising, and threatening I finally gave him two options – stop drinking today, or I leave. I’d already called attorneys, I had a divorce therapist lined up, and I had all of our financials to hand so he couldn’t move money around without my knowing.
It shocked the hell out of him and to his credit he stopped cold turkey, went to therapy, and hasn’t touched a drop since (6+ years sober). We are in a good place, have another child, and I STILL wish I had drawn a hard line sooner.
Childbirth and raising young children is hard. It is worse with no real partner and you needing to be the on call adult on nights/weekends solo (if your kid wakes up 6 times a night for 2 years will your husband get up? Or is it all on you). I would stop the shots and go to couples therapy until you feel like he truly understands how you’ve already been hurt by this.
Anon
This is really good advice.
OP, I would make continuing IVF contingent on his stopping drinking entirely. Alcohol has a hugely negative affect on a men’s ability to conceive, and if he isn’t willing to make that tiny sacrifice while you are putting your body through the ringer for something he wants, he isn’t ready for the sacrifice of being a father.
Anon
He wouldn’t even have to sacrifice alcohol forever – sperm completely regenerate in about 70 days. If people can’t stop drinking for 70 days, there’s a problem.
Anon
Which is almost exactly 1/4th the time that pregnant women forgo alcohol.
anonchicago
I read that too and was mad on your behalf.
My husband has MFI and his urologist gave us a 5% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. Back in 2021, he started pressuring me hard to start IVF since he really wanted kids and I could take it or leave it. I really really did not want to (and ultimately did not), partially because he would not clean up his drinking or other activities that affect his sperm (hot tubs). We ended up getting pregnant naturally in early 2022 and I am definitely one and done, partially due to the lack of support from my husband and everyone else in my life during the postpartum phase.
My husband is a full on alcoholic now and not sure I would have said the same in 2021. Fatherhood did a number on his motivation and his drinking. While he has a job, he’s been threatened to be fired and seems to do the bare minimum (we both WFH so I see it). In short, think very hard if you want to have a child with this man. If I could rewind to 2022, I wouldn’t have.
Anon
My heart goes out to you <3
I'm the one who immediately said "don't have a baby with this man" and while it was a bit of a kneejerk reaction, this is exactly the future I was envisioning and I think OP's follow up details have made it clear that this is a big issue that's not going to improve once the baby is here.
anon
Oh my. I am so sorry you’re going through this. And you’re absolutely right that parenthood is only going to increase the amount of stress for both partners, and if alcohol is a go-to coping mechanism, that may end up going sideways very quickly.
Anonymous
Get the divorce.
Anon
+1 please please please don’t raise your child with an alcoholic.
Anon
People were out of line.
But also – girl! The follow up info! He’s an unemployed man with a drinking problem guilting you for a baby you’re agnostic about!?!? He’s NOT doing everything right.
Do the ER this weekend but hold off on implantation until you are both in a WAY better place.
Loofah
+1000.
Anon
Agree. This man is in no way ready to be a father. He turned down a job with benefits? Oh hell no.
Anon
Seriously. Let’s stop having babies with men who don’t deserve us please.
Anonymous
Right this. The first post was like he’s great except for this one thing! When actually he isn’t very good at all.
smurf
seriously! like.. how are you surprised people didn’t understand your rage when you didn’t mention all these horrible things he’s doing! do not have a baby with this man.
anon
Yeah, I don’t say this lightly, but this is prime territory for separation or divorce. There’s a lot going on here, and none of it is fair to you or possible child, OP. You said yourself, your friends would hate him if they knew what was happening. That is very telling.
I don’t know if this is fixable or not, but please hold off until your marriage is in a better spot, at the very least.
No Face
+1 I didn’t read the original thread, but these details are enough to pause trying to have a baby.
Please don’t set yourself on fire to keep your husband warm OP. He is showing you the type of partner he is at the moment, and he is not good father material right now. Babies are exhausting, demanding, and needy. My husband was all hands on deck. Yours is not. Don’t conceive unless he has a major change in attitude.
Senior Attorney
THIS FOR SURE!
There is not one. single. thing. about this situation that is going to be improved by putting a baby in the middle of it.
Anon
It’s a transfer, not implantation. You hope that it implants, but it’s not guaranteed.
Anon.
It seems the real issue is alcoholism. Pregnant or not, it is okay to not accept a partner who is actively drinking. Having kids only exascerbates the issue. If any woman is in a relationship with an alcoholic, I suggest al-anon to help you navigate your choices. To the OP, I would be very wary of getting pregnant with this man.
Anon
Hug. You are carrying a heavy, heavy burden.
I firmly believe three things about pregnancy: women can do awesome things when pregnant; some pregnancies are just debilitating no matter what the mom-to-be does; and the burden on the father is *so much less* than in the mother, he can actually just pull on his big boy pants and deal with whatever random request she has. Massage her feet? Don’t cook fish because the smell makes her nauseous? Crank the A/C in the summer because she’s always hot or uncomfortable? Not drink in solidarity? Just… do it.
Anon
I heartily agree with your second paragraph.
Anon
Why would you want to have a baby with this loser, especially when you aren’t really into the idea of having a baby in the first place? Do you think he is going to magically mature when you pop out the kid? Girl, no. He is using this IVF to control you while he does whatever the hell he wants. You are the one suffering so that HE can have a baby that he will probably make you do all the work for. I can’t even. Stop torturing yourself with IVF and rethink this relationship.
Anonymous
The name calling is unnecessary and in really poor taste.
Anon
I’m fine with calling an unemployed alcoholic who doesn’t give a crap about his wife a loser. He’s a loser from every angle.
Anonnny
Hey OP. Just lending some support because I missed the earlier thread. My husband and I are also doing IVF for male factors problems and I would be absolutely furious if he behaved the way your husband did. Mine drives me to all my appointments, takes notes, and gives me all my shots. He cancels any plans that might interfere with shots or procedures and even brought the medication and sharps container to my BFFs house and did my shot there one time when I didn’t want to miss out on seeing her. I feel like it is essential to our relationship for him to take on as much of the burden and tasks as he can. After all I’m the one getting the needle pokes 3x per day for 2 weeks, ultrasound probes up my vagina multiple times a week and all the bloating and pain and nausea and bleeding, days on the couch with opioids and a heating pad, etc etc. before GESTATING AND BIRTHING a child even begin.
I think it is totally fair to take your time considering if this relationship is a good fit. Are you guys in couples counseling? Maybe you make that a requirement going forward. At the very least you need your own therapist so you have someone to talk to. I think if he is resisting getting a job with progeny (I have progeny), resisting sobriety, and ditching you when you need shots then he must not actually want kids that badly. He is happy for you to do all the work but doesn’t want to do the work himself. He probably needs someone to talk this through with as well. The additional info about him being unemployed and you not wanting to do IVF in the first place is a BIG deal.
I’m sorry you are going through this! I wish you luck on your egg retrieval this weekend.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so alone. Life is hard enough without having the person you should be able to count on being a flake. As bitter as things might feel right now though, I fear you’re going to experience much worse if you do become pregnant. Your own description of things doesn’t sound like this effort is a hell yes on your side, and he certainly isn’t doing everything he can. If this behavior happens with child-rearing, I worry about a lot more falling on your shoulders and even more resentment. You can still stop this train and get off if you want to.
Anon
Yeah, this was what I meant when I said it was clear there was more going on here. Is this normal behavior for him? Not being able to stop drinking for even a week is pretty concerning and I would definitely need some time before going ahead with implantation. Don’t let his wants take over your better judgment. I think one reason you got attacked on your first post is that you told him to go out and drink, rather than making clear that wasn’t acceptable behavior. It didn’t feel fair to get mad at him for something you encouraged him to do, but you’re the one putting yourself through IVF and pregnancy, so you have every right to ask him to make minimal sacrifices to optimize the process.
anon
yeah I think the bar for men is so low around here sometimes and there is a very strong (and imo, damaging) emphasis on being independent from other people. Long ago I mentioned once here that I have never put gas in our car, and had a similar response from people telling me I was wrong or weak to have never done that and I *ought* to do it, even though it is something that DH decided early in our marriage he wanted to always take care of for me, and always has.
We had no fertility issues but when we decided to have kids DH independently researched improving his own fertility and voluntarily stopped drinking, stopped working with his laptop on his lap, started taking fish oil, etc., because he wanted to be present, responsible and support good outcomes for me and our kids. I’m not saying all of those things are 100% necessary but that *attitude* is necessary and important and part of the “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” of marriage vows.
Anon
Agree with your second paragraph. My husband quit drinking and occasionally smoking p*t long before we started “officially” TTC. It wasn’t so much the exact actions (although they personally were important to me), but the attitude. It makes a hard process easier to feel like someone is helping you with the burden.
Anon
I agree. I am fiercely independent and weirdly capable, and it lead to problems in my marriage. We were never a team; I asked for so little and got NONE of it; soon to be ex H just assumed that his force of nature wife would magically make things happen. That was the entitlement that ruined our marriage, not anything I asked for.
Anon
I could have written this. Sympathy and solidarity to you.
Anon
+1. It’s also a gesture of kindness to let people do things for you. Some people derive so much satisfaction and peace from doing things for their family. Others…not so much.
Anonymous
Never putting gas in your own car is ridiculous unless you’re in NJ.
pink nails
different opinion: I don’t think it’s ridiculous, I think it’s really nice. Presumably the anon 3:20 isn’t filling up super often or driving a lot for work and it’s not that crazy for her partner to take care of that for her. it’s not like she says she can’t or won’t put gas in the car, it’s just that her partner does it for her. It wouldn’t work for me (drive too much for work and have to fill up too often) but that doesn’t mean it’s ridiculous for them.
Anon
+1. Personally, I love seeing couples serve each other. I think it makes for happier household and partnership, even if certain tasks are not ones that my husband does for me.
anon
It’s a nice gesture that her husband WANTS to do! Sheesh, it doesn’t mean she isn’t an independent person or isn’t capable of pumping her own gas. It just happens to be an act of service that she and her husband both value.
Anon
I am not in NJ and I am a different poster. I can and have put gas in my car, but my husband does it for me 90% of the time.
My husband can and has cooked dinner for himself. But I do 90% of the cooking.
We help each other in different ways. We’ve been married for 24 years and aren’t a very traditional couple (I’ve always been the primary breadwinner, for instance) but helping each other like this works for us. And we say thank you to each other too!
Anon
It’s not my situation (my husband gets gas most of the time, but I do it fairly regularly) but I don’t think it’s ridiculous if it works for both of them and the husband is happy to do it.
Anon
If her husband wants to and it makes her feel loved, what’s the problem?
This is also a circumstance in which the poster probably knows a lot more about her life than we do. Maybe they live in a kind of sketchy area and there are occasional carjackings at the gas station. Maybe she has a short commute (doesn’t use a lot of gas) but works long hours, so the husband supports her by taking a work-related task off her plate. “Hon, don’t worry about getting gas at 10 pm. Come home, watch some TV, and I’ll fill up the car for you.”
Anon
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this with him but please listen to some sense: Do Not bring a child into this hot mess. It’s already not fair to you but it’s really, really, really not fair to the child.
Anon
OP, I’m sorry that you feel so alone and if some comments felt unkind. But also, I used to be married to a deadbeat with an alcohol problem. I was very in love and wanted to help. I thank my lucky stars every day that I came to my senses before we had kids together. I am remarried to a guy who works hard and rarely drinks. He isn’t perfect but he has been with me through all the big and little stuff surrounding childbirth and parenthood. Sending you love and strength.
anon
You don’t need to defend yourself on your husband giving you the shots. I wonder how many of the people who railed on that have been pregnant, let alone done IVF. It is a huge burden on the woman’s body; I think giving the shots is one tiny way that the husband can be involved in the sh i t show and take some of the burden from his partner.
IDK, OP. I would proceed with caution. It’s good that he feels bad about what happened, but it is so not normal to drink like that.
Anonymous
I have. And I’ve done every single shot, hundreds of them, myself. And I think everyone going through IVF should know how to do it since they are time sensitive and things happen!
Anon
That doesn’t make your way “right.” It’s great it worked for you! But OP is a different person with different needs.
anon
+1
Anon
+2 I do agree that it’s good for either partner to be able do them in case of emergency, but that doesn’t doesn’t take away from the fact that her husband was an a-hole. She’s not “entitled” for expecting his help with shots if that’s the agreement they made before they started IVF. This wasn’t an accident out of his own control; it was an entirely predictable result of his dumb choices.
Anonymous
Any husband can get hit by a bus or stuck in traffic or have a train break down at any time. You need to be prepared for an emergency.
Anonymous
I also never said she was entitled.
Anon
She literally did the shots. I feel like so many people are reacting as if she somehow crumpled into a heap and cried and gave up instead of administering the shots she needed? She’d been through the training; she looked up videos to brush up on what she was rusty on; she gave herself the shots. If he were hit by a bus, it would have been similarly unpleasant, but it would have gotten done.
Anon
If her husband gets hit by a bus, she’s going to the hospital and not doing injections that night. There’s no need to live your life as if an emergency is always around the corner – you can either move things that aren’t important or you’ll figure it out on the fly. This is something I had to learn when I realized that I was wasting too much time preparing for scenarios that were actually very unlikely and that I would be able to handle in the moment if they did come up.
Anon
People on the thread yesterday definitely called her entitled for expecting his help with the shots.
Anonymous
+1, and yeah these are IVF meds not lifesaving meds. Big nuance there.
Anonymous
OMG, please think twice, thrice, many times before actually trying to carry a baby with this man. Parenthood is incredibly stressful and hard even with the most supportive, mature, and healthy partner. He does not sound like any of the above.
Anonymous
PS – I have never liked the taste of alcohol so don’t drink and don’t feel like I have a great barometer for what is normal in this area. But FWIW, I have never seen my husband even remotely close to drunk. Maybe tipsy. Do full grown adults get drunk like this for funsies if they don’t have alcohol issues?
Anon
Maybe once or twice a year?
Anon
Never IME.
Anon
Of course they do. Do you not have experience w people? Drinking can be a bonding experience among friends and a lot of it depends on how you grew up and came of age w your friend group. I drink heavily once or twice a year and it’s primarily during social events w friends.
Anon
Maybe? I don’t know anyone who gets blackout drunk in their 30s, except on very rare occasions like a bachelor party or wedding maybe. And I partied plenty in my 20s and still enjoy a nice drink, but I would be really peeved if my husband was getting blackout drunk during TTC, especially once you throw in the shots.
Anon
I don’t know anybody who has passed out midday drinking after the age of 30. I really, truly don’t.
Anon
Once parenting is on the table though?
Anonymous
I asked the question at 3:40 pm. I am 47 and have plenty of experience with people. I just can’t remember a friend getting so drunk as to be incapacitated since I was in my early 20s maybe? I’ve never liked drinking and don’t tend to hang out with heavy drinkers; it’s not fun to be around really drunk people if you don’t drink.
Anon1
Anon @ 3:57: He wasn’t “drinking heavily”, he was incapacitated. I posted in the AM thread that I am a heavy social drinker (not uncommon for me to have 15+ drinks a week during busy social seasons) and I have never been as drunk as OP describes her husband drinking, much less in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday. He was so drunk that he couldn’t operate his own phone and had to be physically helped into the house. Getting that drunk means that he blew past his point of “fun” drunk and kept going, which speaks to larger issues with regulation, impulse control, and alcohol in general. This was not a normal “tying on one with the boys on a Saturday night” type of thing.
Anon
This board has a solid contingent that does on a regular basis, which I believe is part of why OP got so slammed on yesterday’s thread. Lots of heavy drinkers feeling defensive about their own behavior.
In real life, no one I know over the age of 30 gets hammered. At most a little buzzed/tipsy.
Anon
Agree about the posters on this board.
Anon
I’m in my mid 40s and barely drink at all anymore. The last time I really got drunk was at my five year college reunion, and I didn’t see much heavy drinking in my peers past our mid 20s, other than the rare special occasion. Even then it’s not falling down drunk.
That said, as you get older, I find that alcohol affects many people differently, and it’s more common for people to take medication that can affect how they feel after just one or two drinks, so sometimes people can be weirdly buzzed or sleepy after a pretty reasonable amount of drinking, which is why I wasn’t as alarmed by the original post, which seemed to downplay how bad his drinking is.
Anonymous
Your feelings are super valid and while at this point you probably need to finish this cycle, I’d then revisit this whole project. He’s been unemployed for a year? Absurd that he isn’t getting a Progyny job. I have a full time job and I’ve considered getting an additional part time one for more coverage.
Anonymous
A lot of that conversation was based on your initial post that left out a lot of relevant information. If even a fraction of the info in your follow up comments had been included in the initial post the conversation would have been very different (eg., about his drinking patterns, the fact this happened during the day, that he actually passed out (I personally use “passing out” to describe falling asleep quickly after any tiring event), his rudeness to you, his lack of job, you not wanting to do IVF at all).
I got the impression you left out a lot of the unfavorable facts about your husband because you didn’t want to get an influx of messages telling you to divorce him – because his behavior was that bad! The tide of the conversation shifted against him as you followed up via comments. There’s a long delay in comments posting in the afternoon as well.
I also think different people feel differently about the burdens of IVF. I’ve been doing fertility treatments (including multiple rounds of IVF) for years and it is just not a big deal to me. It would never occur to me to ask my husband to do the various shots. But I’m not you – IVF is a big deal for you and you are not entitled for asking your partner for support. You deserve a partner who supports you in the ways you need.
Anonymous
Sorry, I feel like I didn’t make this clear enough – his behavior was SO bad and the follow up conversation he had with you was also bad! He is not being a good partner to you and you should think carefully about whether he’s capable of becoming a good partner and parent.
I read that thread late and so saw all the comments/follow ups and wanted to offer my outsiders perspective on why I think it went in the direction it did. It’s not because your husband was on the right – it was the comment delays / follow up info.
Anon
If she didn’t include those details, it’s because she didn’t want people’s comments on whether or not to get divorced. That’s her decision to make. It’s not a reasonable expectation to get people’s full life story that they might want to keep private for painful reasons. She gave more than enough information to understand the issue that she asked for advice on.
Anon
One of my good friends had a very similar story – she was ambivalent about kids, her husband absolutely needed them. They went through multiple rounds of IVF, which were very hard on her, and he was of little help and never gave up his pot habit. She finally told him she needed to stop IVF and he said no, that they needed kids for him to be fulfilled. They finally got pregnant, but fast-forward a few years and she’s constantly upset and burned out that she’s doing all of the child-rearing, housework and working full-time while he does only the “fun” parent stuff, gets high and plays video games. We’re all sad to see what’s happening to her and it’s made it hard to continue to be friends with him, while also encouraging her to go to couples therapy (he’s refused). There are still a lot of men out there who have outdated ideas of what it means to be a parent – at least in his case, he had a stay at home mom and his dad never lifted a finger to help, so to him that’s what he expected out of his own family. I’m not saying this is your husband, but like many of the other posters, there are some really big red flags here that also don’t bode well for raising a child with this man and having an equal and reliable partner.
anon
I’m going to “yes, and” this — speaking as someone who has been through many, MANY rounds of IVF, and as someone who really wanted children, finding out that you’re infertile can be very difficult to cope with. Yes, he’s done a bunch of things wrong, and he may be struggling with the idea that he has MFI and using alcohol to cope. Infertility and IVF is difficult to work through and can cause (or reveal) serious problems in a relationship. IF you want to move forward with IVF, I think therapy (individual and as a couple) with an IVF specialist, or group therapy, with other couples going through IVF, could be helpful. The bulk of the IVF burden is on the women, but can be difficult for the partner in ways that sometimes go unrecognized. But agree with the other commenters as well, and not trying to excuse his behavior.
Anon
There’s more here than the one incident of drinking. This isn’t salvageable.
Senior Attorney
Of course he says he’s ashamed. Anybody can talk a good game. OP, I have long thought that a relationship should be evaluated not based on the best parts, but on the worst parts. You have said that you are feeling abandoned in your marriage, and on top of that he’s chronically unemployed and unwilling to accede to your very reasonable request that he stop drinking while you continue with the IVF that HE insisted on. WHAT? No.
I hope that in the future you will look back on this incident as a wake-up call that extricated you before you had kids with somebody who isn’t really a full partner.
Roxie
I’m not even reading the other comments before I say holy crap please end this. This is not the man to have children with. You deserve more.
Anon
100% this and what SA said too. This is a 180 from the original post of “he’s great in every way but this one night.”Unemployed for a year? That’s not someone you can rely on. Staying with this guy is setting you up for alimony and child support payments down the road when you eventually can’t take it anymore and you leave him. Be grateful for the fertility issues, you’re not stuck yet. Get out before you are. Or at least don’t have kids and make it all a lot more complicated.
Anon
I agree with you 100% and really didn’t understand those comments. I think assistance when needing medical care from one’s partner is a very basic, threshold thing for a partner to do. I kind of feel sorry for those who don’t think it would be reasonable to ask this of a partner. I’ve spent part of my adult life married, and lots of it as a one person household. I am independent to a fault, but I wouldn’t want a partner who wasn’t willing to be 100% present for health issues and the assistance they require. With IVF, and particularly under your circumstances, it is not okay to leave the burden on one person.
Anon
There was once a conversation here about whether you would be willing to call the doctor for your spouse with a severe sore throat and it was mind-boggling to me how many women said that they would never do that for their husbands and that they would never expect their husband to do it for them. To me that’s a non-issue – of course you help your spouse if they ask you to!! I cannot even imagine saying no.
Anon
After I read her comment that she gets nauseous and not when she gets a shot, it’s even more obvious she shouldn’t be doing her own. That’s called a vasovaval reaction and lots of doctors will make you lie down for a shot if you have that because you could faint and fall.
The husband sounds like a loser in every way.
Anon
*vasovagal
Anon
Vasovagal syncope can really challenge a person’s sense of self-reliance and independence, but willpower truly doesn’t make it stop.
Anon
I monitor a relative’s email inbox from time to time for scam attempts (she has dementia and I have power of attorney). Today I find a random email where she insulted my father to her sister – and she hasn’t even seen my father in 20 years. It’s an insult that doesn’t land or make any sense at all for his personality (think calling a strong and silent type a loudmouth), but damn, just when you think you’ve hit the max of indignities with dementia caregiving.
Anon
I mean, she has dementia. I would not take offense to what she is writing in emails… Especially when the insult was completely off base. She probably was thinking of someone else.
Anon
Man, you people are something else. Do you think OP doesn’t know this? She’s still allowed to have feelings, ffs.
Anon
It can help to remember it all though.
(We actually do have at least one commenter here who has expressed the unfortunate view that dementia patients are responsible for what they say because it’s coming from somewhere inside them, so I’m not sure everyone here understands dementia very well.)
Anon
OP here and your remark wasn’t helpful.
Anon
It’s not her talking; it’s the disease talking.
pink nails
ugh, I bet that was hard to read. Even when you rationally know someone isn’t in their right mind, it’s still a gut punch.
Anon
Exactly.
Anon
If she has dementia her brain is doing some seriously weird things to her perception of reality. This isn’t your relative speaking – it is her seriously effed up brain speaking. I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
My mother was convinced that the neighbors abused their animals (quite the opposite was true), that a large family had moved into the second floor of her house, that a girl rode a bicycle through the house, and that people had installed zip lines in her back yard, among other things. There is absolutely no accounting for what a person with dementia may believe, and there is no point in trying to address that they are wrong.
Anon
No, and I didn’t say that I thought she had a point or that I was going to challenge her. I just said that it’s one of endless dignities with dementia caregiving. It is.
Senior Attorney
It definitely is, and even though your head knows it’s the disease talking, it still hurts your heart.
Anonymous
I feel bad for both of you. It’s hard to see or overhear negative gossip about someone you love. And I’m sure it’s hard to be the one with dementia, where your mind may be taking things in weirdly and for quite some time and you can no longer trust it. And now you don’t have the privacy that the rest of us take for granted.
I know it probably stings right now, but I’d take some comfort that it doesn’t make any sense at all for his personality. It’s just further proof that her mind was off in the moment.
Hugs to you and the hard work you’re doing. I hope we all will be as lucky to have someone looking after us if we’re ever in that space.
Anon
Thank you!!
smurf
I’m sorry! my husband’s grandma was the sweetest woman until her dementia progressed and woof she can be mean now! of course it’s not really her but we honestly have to just laugh at it because what else can you do?
Anon
I have been feeling really off for a couple of days. Lowish grade fever, kind of shaky, very faint cold sweat throughout the day. I was having symptoms of a UTI when urinating, but that has been fading with drinking a lot of water (though the other symptoms don’t). Has anyone had something similar? Not sure if it’s worth going to a doctor or not.
Anon
I would not hesitate to go to the doctor about this. That’s what they’re for!
Anonymous
Multiple days of fever is worth a trip to the doc.
Anon
Eh she said a “couple” days and it’s very common to have a few days of fever with Covid, the flu or even a bad cold. Absent the UTI symptoms, it would not occur to me to see a doctor about a couple days of low grade fever. I’d just stay home and avoid people, and maybe take a Covid test.
Anon
I don’t mess around with potential UTIs because they can escalate to dangerous kidney infections quickly, so I’d go to the doctor for a urine culture.
Otherwise I’d say just rest at home.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
+1. I once got a UTI when on jury duty, didn’t start on antibiotics soon enough, and ended up in the ER with a kidney infection. Go get it checked out by your doctor.
Anon
Omg, it drives me crazy when people with obvious symptoms of infection don’t go to the doctor. Yes, obviously you go.
Anon
Dude. It could have started in your urinary tract but headed up to the kidneys. GO TO THE DOCTOR
Anon
Dude. It could have started in your urinary tract but headed up to the kidneys. GO TO THE DOCTOR
Anon
Go get tested for a UTI. Medicine exists for that, there is no virtue in suffering.
Anon
This is why Minute Clinics are amazing inventions.
“How can a MinuteClinic provider help me with urinary tract and bladder infections?
A MinuteClinic provider can assess your symptoms and discuss treatment options to relieve your urinary tract or bladder infection. If needed, they can prescribe medication.”
Nesprin
Kidney infections turn into life threatening sepsis about 25% of the time. Given that you’re having a fever and cold sweats you need to get to a doctor today or go to the ER if you can’t get in to your regular doctor, or especially if your fever spikes any higher or if you start throwing up or feeling faint.
I’ve had kidney infections when given an antibiotic that my UTI was resistant to, and those times for me were go-to-the hospital style medical emergencies. I was in early sepsis one time with a fever of 103. I needed strong IV antibiotics and 5 bags of fluids to get my blood pressure back up.
anon
Absolutely call your PCP today and tell them your symptoms. They may even order a urine test/labs/urine culture before you see them.
If you are having fever/sweats/shakes, then the urinary tract infection has ALREADY spread outside of the bladder and you are having systemic/whole body effects. Don’t wait any longer.
Anon
Thoughts on the Southern Baptist vote to oppose IVF? I’m related to plenty of Southern Baptists and have relatives conceived through IVF. I think this might be one area where church doctrine isn’t in line with the masses. But also…just stepping back to think about what IVF is, it kinda surprises me it took them so long to oppose it.
anon
Good luck getting younger people to stick with the Southern Baptist church, was my reaction.
Anon
The Catholic church has always opposed IVF. Catholics just get it anyway and it doesn’t seem to bother them that they’re not supposed to. I haven’t seen it drive people away from the church so far.
Anonymous
The Catholic church has always opposed IVF. Catholics just get it anyway and it doesn’t seem to bother them that they’re not supposed to. I haven’t seen it drive people away from the church so far.
Anon
Thank you for the education! It’s opposed it my whole life and I didn’t know the history.
Anonymous
It’s bizarre and interesting!
Anecdata
Can you provide a citation for the Catholic Church supporting or promoting IVF specifically? (not treatment for infertility more broadly)
Seventh Sister
Yeah, I assume people in Baptist churches will just do IVF anyway and sit around feeling guilty instead of marveling in the miracle of modern science.
Anonymous
Southern Baptists hate women. What else is new.
Anon
Southern Baptists and plenty of other Christians are opposed to the creation of embryos that will never be implanted. That’s not hating women, but it is entirely consistent with their position on abortion and when life begins. Honestly, I am surprised that more people, Christian or not, don’t have issues with the ethics of IVF. And I mean the practices around IVF, such as destroying unused embryos or leaving them to languish in storage forever. I don’t know enough about IVF to know whether the embryos are routinely (vs. rarely) screened for genetic issues, but pre-implantation genetic testing also raises a whole host of issues that would probably concern plenty of non-Christians.
Anon
Infertility treatment is so hard. I get that the strong emphasis on “whatever gets you a child” is often or usually appropriate, but for me it felt like there wasn’t a clear path towards “figure out and fix the underlying infertility.” The insurance issues and the sense that I was being sold on expensive treatment didn’t help. I know there are time constraints, but all my underlying diagnoses were delayed long after they should have been identifiable from symptoms and labs, and they affected my quality of life and not just my fertility.
anon
but adoption was not an option???
Anon
Adoption was not an option, correct.
Anon
What I meant about the ethics is that I was looking for was treatment for underlying medical conditions contributing to infertility and kept being pushed towards fertility treatments that were not within my budget. I have known women who failed fertility treatments and then got pregnant when an autoimmune condition was treated (insurance companies absolutely do not want to offer costly types of immune therapy for infertility but often will for a diagnosed autoimmune condition).
Adoption would not have been right for me, but it wouldn’t have solved any of this either. It was a complaint about how infertility is typically approached within healthcare (as an obstacle to pregnancy and not as a medical symptom). I can see that pushing IVF over adoption may be another ethical issue though.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I have way, way more ethical concerns about adoption than I do IVF. While I understand that sometimes it’s really the best (or the only) way around a terrible situation for a child, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.
That said, I’m a cradle Protestant so I wasn’t raised with the concept that life began at conception.
Anon
The convention also voted to kick out a female-pastored church, and then voted against outright banning women in ministry. Not because they are cool with it but because they said they can just kick out any other congregations that dare let a woman be in charge. They hate women.
Anon
Well said and I agree with you.
Anon
At least it’s consistent with life beginning at conception, but it’s obvious that many of these groups haven’t wrestled with the implications of that.
Roxie
My thoughts include “this is why I’m not Christian” and “this is why I’ve never looked to any religion to guide me”
Anonymous
The Southern Baptists have strayed so far from the teachings of Christ that I don’t think it’s right to call the denomination a Christian church any longer.
As a mainline Protestant I really wish that my church and others would stand up and call out the Southern Baptists and the evangelicals for giving our faith a bad name.
Seventh Sister
Me too. Episcopalians and Lutherans and Methodists are just as valid as Christian denominations as the Southern Baptists or the Pentecostals or the Mennonites.
Quitting to avoid a work presentation?
Has anybody ever done this. My presentation is next week and I don’t think I will be able to stop myself from shaking to the point of passing out. I have rehearsed to the point of all the numbers and dates are swimming around in my head. I just bombed a rehearsal in front of two dozen colleagues. Part of my knew this was always going to happen, it was just a matter of time (been in my career for 15 years). I just want to serve coffee at Starbucks until I can qualify for Medicare at this point.
I would be leaving my boss in the lurch but I don’t know what else to do.
Senior Attorney
Quitting is the nuclear option. Have you considered still-drastic but less-nuclear options? Like telling your boss what you just told us? “Boss, I swear to you I thought I could power through, but it’s become clear to me that it just isn’t going to happen. I’ve even thought of quitting over this so if you feel like you have to fire me I can accept that, although I hope we can figure something out. What can we do to mitigate the damage? Postpone it until I can coach you to give the presentation in my absence while telling everybody else I’m sick or have a family emergency?”
Senior Attorney
For some perspective, I haven’t been in your exact shoes, but I once bowed out of working on a legal case that I found ethically repugnant, even though I was fairly sure it would cost me my job. Turns out my boss was surprisingly understanding. Maybe yours will be, too.
NYCer
This is what I would do too.
Nesprin
So being ready to quit your job to avoid giving a presentation sure sounds like both a work and medical emergency.
You need to let your boss know immediately that you won’t be able to give the presentation- pass on your slides and ask them to figure out other approaches.
And you need to talk to a doctor- feeling ready to throw up when presenting publicly is a thing that therapy and either anti-anxiety or beta-blocker meds could help with.
Anonymous
I’m sorry. This is hard.
Have you tried mentally rehearsing a perfect presentation? In other words, get into a very focused headspace and run through, in your mind (seriously, not standing up, nothing out loud, I’d actually do this lying down), a perfect presentation. Then do it again. Then do it again. Sometimes the cycle of doing the physical performance imperfectly can create a negative pattern that is hard to break.
Moose
Is there a may you can get support at work? You said you did a practice presentation in front of colleagues, so they know the situation…would anyone be able to present with you – would that make it easier? Can anyone offer any ideas that would help? It’s totally OK that this isn’t your skillset – sounds like you don’t have to present often. And you’ve been doing this job for a while. I would think folks you work with would know that you’re generally capable, and would be willing to be a helpful team member to help this go well.
Also, anti-anxiety meds/beta blockers could be useful.
Anonymous
This. You just practiced in front of colleagues. Can one of them step in? Unless this is your dissertation, I can’t imagine a scenario where everyone wouldn’t prefer you getting someone else on board.
Anon
Is it this bad when you SIT DOWN while presenting? (A reach, but this is how I found out I had autonomic orthostatic intolerance!)
If it’s mainly nerves, do you have a doctor who might consider whether a betablocker or a short acting benzo would do the trick? (Would a betablocker or a benzo help you think through the entire situation at this point?) My doctor was at a university hospital and said she prescribed meds of this kind to musical performers and jet setters commonly and with a low threshold (I’m talking about a script for a few pills at a starter dose, not a whole course of treatment or anything).
anon
I have stepped in for a lovely and talented colleague who, at the last minute, decided she absolutely could not do a presentation. I have a high school and college background in extemporaneous speech and love to do last-minute high-pressure public speaking, which is not ordinarily part of my job, so I was happy to do it. If you would quit over this, it’s worth having the humility to see if there’s anyone else who could do it.
Anon
I have also been this person in my office. We are out there and happy to do this, OP!
anonshmanon
+1. My boss was similarly panicked about an important presentation representing the department. He ended up going on extended sick leave and was diagnosed with burnout. I think the presentation and associated stress was a catalyst, although there were other factors too. I stepped in (although I was nervous, it was also an amazing high visibility opportunity for me early in my career), and it all went fine.
Anon
Can your doctor give you any medication to help?
Anon
Yes – late to respond but I hope you see this. I take Xanax in these situations or you can get proponal (so?). It will definitely help. Good luck!!
Anonymous
I am so sorry. I know what this feels like. I would talk to your boss to see if it can be reassigned and separately talk to a doctor about meds that can help. The only thing that ever helps me is practicing out loud many times beforehand – everything, including transition/throat-clearing phrases and intonation etc. And then during the actual presentation never making direct eye contact with anyone – just looking in the general direction of the audience. I wish you so much luck and success!
Anon
Beta blockers. See a doctor asap.
Anonymous
I have a bachelor’s degree in music performance and severe stage fright that makes me lose breath control and some manual dexterity. For obvious reasons I did not pursue a career as a professional musician. Ironically, I ended up in a career that involves regular public speaking. It took me about 12 years to stop feeling that I ought to run away every time I got up to give a presentation.
The mental and physical aspects of stage fright feed off of each other. The mental fear causes an adrenaline rush that leads to the shakiness, loss of breath control, etc. The physical sensation then amps up the fear because you know the shakes will affect your performance. It’s a vicious cycle.
I find it most effective to target the mental aspect by overpreparing. Write out every word of your talk, then memorize it. Practice it out loud until you are no longer reciting it but speaking it as if off the top of your head. Write out all the likely audience questions and your answers, then moot the Q and A. Put bullet points in your slide notes so you have an anchor if you blank. Run the presentation twice in your hotel room or office right before your meeting or panel. Go right into the room and be obviously engaged in setting up so you don’t have to chitchat. Choose an audience member who looks engaged and explain your material just to that person. If there is a lectern, you can hold onto the sides with both hands to steady yourself; think “power pose,” not “hang on for dear life.”
The book “Fight Your Fear and Win” has some decent strategies for mitigating the physical effects (I like stomping my foot to “ground” myself), but there is only so much you can do in that department without medical help. I find that I can push through the physical effects when I’m speaking in front of a crowd. As long as you don’t pass out, you can just keep going. It has gotten much better with experience, and it usually dissipates after I get warmed up and really into my material. For musical performances it is much more problematic and has been a serious issue as I have lately been trying to take on some solo work. Many musicians take beta blockers to mitigate the physical effects of stage fright. If you get a prescription for them, it is advised that you test them out before the event.
Don’t give up! Despite my stage fright, I have always been told I’m a very effective speaker and appear calm under pressure, even if behind the podium I am quaking in my boots. I actually enjoy sharing my work with an audience, even if it’s challenging. You CAN do this, and you will be so proud when you do.
If something goes wrong, don’t visibly panic, scramble to fix it, or over-apologize. If it’s a technical issue, get someone else to fix it or to go for help. If it’s your issue, like slides that are out of sequence, just say “oops, that got out of order! We’ll go on to the next one and come back to this later.” Always act as if you and the audience are in it together, and always be gracious but authoritative.
Finally, stick to your allotted time without rushing. Few things make a speaker appear more flustered than rushing to cram in too much material. Have someone hold up time warning cards at predetermined points. Think in advance about what material you will skip over if necessary.
Anonymous
Frequent (initially reluctant) public speaker here—I took a job as a writer but my company wants event content and webinars mostly. I try to imagine that I’m in a normal business meeting. I focus on a person or two and just pretend I’m explaining my points to them. Wear something with pockets. If I feel shaky, I put my hand in my pocket. Weirdly that makes me feel more relaxed. I’m often videotaped and I can sometimes see my shoulders relax. The more you do this the easier it gets. These days I rarely feel my heart race.
Anonymous
You’ve gotten some good options. Another option depending on the venue could be pre-recording your portion. Your boss or another colleague should be able to pick up the presentation if the slides and notes are complete. You might consider if you’d be able to take questions if someone else presents. This should be a coaching moment, not firing.
Anonymous
Can you grab a friend and go to the actual room where the presentation will be and practice it for an hour or so?
Senior Attorney
A propos of nothing, inspired by the dinner question on the morning thread, here is my culinary helpful hint for the day: Throw away the little measuring cup that came with your rice cooker (in the alternate universe in which you haven’t already lost it) and just use equal parts rice and water and it will be perfect every time and for every amount. Learned this from Jet Tila on Tournament of Champions on Food Network and it has changed my life.
Anonymous
Don’t throw the cup away! The water-to-grain ratios are different for brown rice, steel-cut oatmeal, quinoa, etc. That’s why there are different sets of water lines on the inside of the bowl.
Senior Attorney
Ah, good point! And fun fact: If you’ve lost it like I did, you can always google it. The cup for my Zojirushi rice cooker is 3/4 of a standard measuring cup.
Christine Wilson
HOW I WON THE LOTTERY TWICE: My name is Christine Wilson of Attleborough, A Massachusetts woman who miraculously cashed in her second $1 million lottery ticket in just 10 weeks. I lack words to appreciate lord Bubuza the spell caster who keeps giving me the lottery numbers after casting his Lottery spell. This man is a great seer and he is capable of using his lottery spell to reveal lottery winning numbers, when he gave me the lottery numbers after casting the lottery spell, I purchased the Massachusetts State Lottery’s “100X Cash” ticket at Family Food Mart in Mansfield, Massachusetts and behold it was a big win for me. I am making this testimony because I made a vow to myself that I will tell the world my success story. Join me and appreciate Lord Bubuza via Email:: lordbubuzamiraclework @ hotmail . com or Text/call: +1 505 569 0396