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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Jesabil Belted Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Jesabil Belted Sheath DressI always like Ted Baker dresses — they're interesting but classic at the same time. Here I love the contoured neckline and the brand's signature rose gold-tone hardware, as well as the elbow length sleeves. It's $295 at Bloomingdales, available in sizes 2-12, Nordstrom and Bloomie's both have it in a gray floral version as well. Jesabil Belted Sheath Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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286 Comments

  1. Repeat post since this posted late yesterday –

    Interesting money discussion this morning. To what extent is your identity tied to salary and if you had to take a job that was a step down financially, does that “bother” you? I know it’s esp common in fields like IB or biglaw where if you don’t move up the ladder or just don’t want to work 24-7, you move on to another job but usually those jobs pay less. I’m personally not a big money person – single so don’t have daycare/nanny costs; like to live nicely but am not into expensive shoes or bags or clothes though I do like nice hotels for the 1-2x year I get away. I took one of these jobs and 2 years in, I’m much more bothered about the $ than I though I’d be. Like I’m seeing my job as unimportant and seeing myself as “unsuccessful” etc bc it doesn’t pay $$$ like the last one. Yet I WANTED to make this move. Anyone else feel this? You never hear it from women, though I’ve heard men allude to it.

    1. It doesn’t bother me at all. For a 20k pay cut I got my nights, weekends, and sanity back. I make 150k now, which is more than enough and so much more than most. I know my job is now less prestigious but only insecure competitive jerks from law school care about that. I do really interesting work and I do it well.

      1. I make 160K now, which feels like a lot to me (but is half of what I used to make in Big Law). I have really interesting work, the job is prestigious, and I am hardly ever stressed. Oh and I rarely work evenings and weekends. Would never go back to my old life.

        With that said, I moved up from 145 to 160K in my present job and feel better about my salary now. Something about knowing that I make a 6 figure salary is comforting. If I was making 50K I personally would not be content because it would mean making a lot of sacrifices that I’m not willing or able to make right now. At my firm, a lot of folks leave for state gov’t, where you only make 60K if you’re lucky. Personally I could not do that.

    2. I feel like the key here is to decouple money and success. I’m a lot more impressed with the people I know who have high-powered jobs doing what they believe in and affecting change in the world than I am with the Biglaw lawyers I know. Money notwithstanding.

    3. Doesn’t bother me. I make around $200k post tax but DH is a banker who makes 10x what I do. So I’ve learnt to let go of any pay scale related inadequacy though it took a LOONG time!

      1. Yeah, but you make $200K post-tax and your family takes home over a million dollars a year…

        1. I can’t imagine being worried about pay scale inadequacy making $200k post-tax on my own, let alone >$1m post-tax as a HH.

        2. +1

          I can’t take any response seriously when OP is still making over six figures.

        1. What does someone do with $2 million a year? Normal stuff, just extravagant? Does that make someone happier? Or less happy? It’s a staggering number that I don’t understand.

          1. Data suggests that making over $75k per year doesn’t lead to more happiness (I assume this was adjusted for cost of living). So there’s that.

          2. The question had nothing to do with my state of happiness. As for what I do with the money, we still work hard, enjoy time with kids, give to charity and are grateful for what we have.

            Given the judgmental responses here, I should add that we’re also very happy to NOT be in the US.

          3. The 75K thing is a myth, unfortunately. Not saying money buys happiness, but increasing income levels are associated with increased happiness no matter where you are in the world. FWIW, 75K is considered well below the low-income threshold in San Francisco, where I live.

          4. Please try not to take offense. It is actually very helpful to hear from women who have different experiences.

            Curious – what part of the world do you live in? Is there are more fixed class system there or less taxation of high income? Trying to figure out why you mention being happy to not be living in the US in relation to your high income.

          5. And I’m sure you are aware of the problems in the US (and internationally) with the banking industry in the past decade, which makes it a sensitive issue for some of us in the US.

          6. “Given the judgmental responses here, I should add that we’re also very happy to NOT be in the US.”
            … I’m trying to imagine a society that admires the mega wealthy more than the US, and I’m failing. People are judgmental because frankly nobody deserves that level of wealth and right now there are a number of people who are in perilous financial straits despite working full time. Your husband does not work 100 times as hard as the home healthcare aide that helps my grandmother, even if our current capitalist setup means that his work is valued at that rate by his industry.

            I think your post hit a nerve because your (already very comfortable!) salary becomes pretty insignificant when your partner is pulling in millions. Anybody would be satisfied with their salary when money is no object. Your data point is an extreme outlier (so not very helpful to probably 99.99% of people).

      3. I get it — if you can make 200K, you probably have been messaged your whole life that you should make $1M.

        And you’ve got to be in a 1950s bubble with a lot of SAHMs, etc.

        You’re living their dream — you married well (and yet you’d still be an underachieving but excellent catch if you were a man) (and even as a woman).

        Not my bubble, but it would be like living in an anthropology / sociology experiment.

    4. IDK

      I’m about to hire a PT nanny for after school for my kids. Cost will be less than the step-down in salary if I went to another job (largely theoretical; can’t find a job like I’d like).

      I’d prefer to be at home with my kids and not working but it bothers me that I am paying someone to live the life I want to live. [I will still do it b/c a frazzled stressed out mother is ideal for no one.]

      Until they can pay me in happiness, they can pay me in $. But if I could truly take less $ and increase my happiness, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’ve had more time than money; now the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction.

      1. This.

        “Until they can pay me in happiness, they can pay me in $. But if I could truly take less $ and increase my happiness, I would do it in a heartbeat.”

        I would take a lower paying job in a heartbeat if it increases my happiness. I just can’t find another job or career I would be happy in.

    5. For me it was about ranges. Leaving biglaw as an 8th year, I knew I’d mentally be ok at 160-170k+. But I knew if I ended up at say 120k, I’d feel “inadequate.” So the job I got started me at 145k. Had the same feelings you’re having. Within 1 year I was at 160 and a yr later above 175k – shocking how much better I feel about it all and it’s the SAME job. So yeah, I’m prone to what you’re describing.

    6. My thoughts on this are going to be rambling, but I’ve been thinking about this issue lately, too. First of all, I’m in a profession (think a nonprofit) where my salary is never going to be sky-high. Right now I’m making the most I ever have ($80k, in a relatively LCOL area) and for a kid who was raised in rural America, that feels like a lot. If you factor in DH’s income, we are doing very well for our age. I feel enormously grateful, and I’ll fully admit that it’s a bit of an ego boost to know that I’m a major contributor to our household earnings. I would never admit this in real life. (In my circle of friends, the only people who talk about money incessantly are the ones who are living paycheck to paycheck.)

      Having a higher salary actually has given me MORE anxiety about money, strangely. I am in a low-earning profession, and there’s a good chance that this is as good as it’ll get. I often wonder whether my work is really worth what I’m getting paid. And if I change jobs, there is a very good chance I will have to take a pay cut, so I feel a little bit stuck. I guess I better understand the concept of golden handcuffs now, even though my pay is nowhere near executive level or what people on this board earn.

      1. +1000 Are you me? This is exactly how I feel. I don’t have a huge salary (compared to others on this blog) but it is 4x what I made right out of school so I feel like I’ve “made it” and love that I contribute so much to my household. But I’d have to think about it pretty hard if I were presented with a great opportunity but it was a pay cut.

        I also think it helps me to be ok with my salary because DH’s and my’s HHI is similar to our friends. So we’re not trying to “keep up with the Joneses” and struggle to pay for things when we all hang out together.

    7. Someone commented yesterday that high salary had replaced grades… and I think that’s kind of true for many high-achieving people if if they don’t realize it. Money/numbers is metric that most people understand instantly.

      For myself, I don’t tie salary with identity too much. Same with anon at 9:33, I’m in a profession where it is super unlikely I will ever make six figures. That being said, I make less than $50k right now, so I wouldn’t take a paycut for less stress. (Not that my job is super stressful compared to the hours lawyers work, my standard work week is 40 – 45 hours.) I had the privilege of graduating without student loans and supportive family. So even though I live in a HCOL area, I’m single, and aside from rent and my car payment, I don’t have a lot of financial burdens.

      Meanwhile, my ex used to tie his identity to money a lot, and he works in finance/government. If he wasn’t making good money, he felt that he wasn’t successful. It’s why we broke up – his need for his partner to also make a lot of money at the cost of happiness didn’t align with my values. Funnily enough, now that he’s making a six-figure salary, he’s realizing that it’s not making him feel any more fulfilled than when he was making a five-figure salary

    8. My husband is thinking about taking a pay cut. He makes around $85,000, which is one of the higher paid positions in his field. He deals with a lot of crappy situations (social services-type of field), and in taking another type of role he would probably take a 15-20% pay cut, plus lose many of his government employee benefits (5 weeks vacation, excessive sick time, pension plan contributions.) It would be a little bit of a hardship to lose the extra cash, but so make up for it in the QofL. (I would be most upset about losing the vacation time since it makes childcare arrangements much easier for our family.)

    9. The prestige factor doesn’t matter to me because, honestly, I don’t equate making a lot of money with being successful. I just don’t think of those words as synonyms because I don’t think that money is the marker of success. I think personal fulfillment, doing interesting or challenging work (bonus if it contributes in a positive way to the world around you), and having the sufficient time and resources to live a happy and comfortable enough life are. Everyone has a different idea of what sort of resources it takes to check off that last box, but for me, it’s not an end in and of itself, rather a means to an end.

      I left a Big Law job in my second year to move to a pretty well-known, kicka$$ non-profit. At the time, I took a 2/3 pay cut to do it, beating out some 500 other applicants for my fellowship there. That accomplishment made me proud. In the course of the seven years I’ve been there, I’ve doubled my salary but it’s still not as high as my starting salary in Big Law and probably won’t get there for at least a couple of years. But I’m significantly happier, have boundaries at work, and am proud to tell people what I do for a living.

      There’s nothing wrong with choosing differently. Not everyone has to work at a non-profit, and frankly, a lot of the reason I work there is because I find tackling big social justice issues to be challenging and fulfilling, not simply because I’m a do-gooder. Lots of people find happiness and fulfillment working in a corporate setting and making enough money to do things I won’t be able to. That’s fine, too. But I see them as different choices, not different levels of success. (Hence my pet peeve with folks on this s1te using the terms “successful” and “wealthy” interchangeable. I’m pretty damn successful, but I’m not wealthy (at least not by the standards of most on this s1te.)

      1. This is crazy: beating out some 500 other applicants for my fellowship there

        I think it says how bad big city biglaw is and how few alternatives there seem to be that that many people are fighting over a job that pays so little.

        And also why I feel so stuck in BigLaw (it may be less competitive than the alternative).

        1. Not the poster above, but yes, it is crazy, but at prestigious non-profits (i.e. the ACLU, Human Rights Watch, Planned Parenthood, etc), these positions are really competitive. I always knew it’d be easier to get a job in Big Law than at the ACLU. Most of the applicants there are from top 5 law schools with prestigious clerkships to boot. And while you tend to have to take a low salary to get your foot in the door (compared to Big Law at least) but many end up being very livable salaries (in the 110s-160s).

    10. I’ve suffered some very sudden losses in my life and it didn’t take much to realize that I didn’t want my obituary to only reference all the work I’d done.

      I could make significantly more money if I left the public sector. But the most valuable thing to me is time, and it’s just not worth the sacrifice of my time and my freedom for 2x or 3x my salary.

      1. I had a scare with a deadly form of cancer, and I, too, realized that the only thing in my obituary would have been my work. I happily work 9-5 in policy.

      2. +1

        Very similar.

        Money obsession seems to very shallow to me now, and I can’t relate anymore.

        It takes awhile to figure out what is truly important in life. Some of us, fortunately or unfortunately, learn it sooner than others.

        The only time it bothers me a little is when I am at social events and (distant…) colleagues/old “friends” make comments to me about my change in trajectory. Usually the comments are disguised as “concern” but reflect back poorly on the speaker. Ah, ignorance…

        1. Same here, including not really relating (for me, this pertains to both salary and the lifestyle/culture many of my peers have).

    11. My base salary is less than $90k but with bonuses, I made $150k last year. There are years I don’t get a bonus though. Part of me feels like I haven’t “made it” until I hit $100k base but that’s foolish because overall I have uncapped income potential with my bonus structure. It’s not a discretionary bonus. It’s if I make x I get y.

      That said, my husband went into the career I thought I would do in undergrad. He made way less than me for the post law school years 1-9. He’s just now catching up to my base though. Part of me gets jealous in my head like he better not make more than me when he didn’t go to law school. Then I remember that over the years, I’ve made more overall. Also, him making more money helps our family just as much if I made more money.

      His job is far easier than mine, a mostly 8-5 job with tons of vacation time and decent benefits. That’s what makes me jealous. That’s why I feel I should get paid more. But, we do different jobs and he has paid his dues in a job where you get a pay increase every year.

    12. I had a 75% travel schedule and a VP title, and stepped down to a job with a 25% travel schedule and a Director title. I have a higher base now but lower bonus potential, so my pay is in total about 80% of what it used to be.

      I don’t like the title, but the pay differential isn’t killing me financially. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve betrayed womanhood by not holding out for same title/same bonus, but pulling into the driveway at 6PM most nights and sleeping in my own bed is worth a lot.

      Also I had a staff of 40+ direct and indirect, and now I have a staff of 4 direct. That doesn’t bother me at all! I feel like I spent way too much time on HR issues before (time I didn’t have, which made me super impatient)

      1. Yeah, I don’t know why no one is mentioning the stress of managing a ton of people. It’s unpredictable and a time sink, not to mention law suits and being dragged to court over something that happened years ago that I cannot remember. I am so much happier managing few just a few employees who have already proven to be hard workers. It came with potential career stagnation for me but I finally have some head space.

    13. I wonder if some of this pressure is school-driven.

      I went to a competitive state U for college. Lots of friends at Ivies, lots of friends at other state Us.

      At my school, lots of people went into teaching, military (via ROTC, so high-up for military now that lots are colonels or lt colonels, but not a lucrative field overall), government professions (engineers became high rise code construction enforcement officials, etc.), and health care. I feel like I got a break in a BigLaw slot that I got lucky b/c usually they go to more highly-pedigreed people (who seem to have very high expectations on them for changing the world; my world is happy that I am a reasonably-successful self-supporting adult). I have had friends who went to the service academies who would probably laugh and say that despite the very healthy bank accounts of some of my peers, we really have not done much of significance with our lives (and I don’t think that they are wrong)(actually, they wouldn’t laugh, they are too busy and definitely too well mannered).

      Maybe it is your peer group vs running your own race?

      I wonder this for my kids — if I sent them away for college, would it help with their happiness? Would it weed them away from meaningful occupations and into ones that are merely lucrative (not that there is anything wrong with working at McKinsey, but they don’t recruit from Average State U in my SEUS state).

      1. “my world is happy that I am a reasonably-successful self-supporting adult”

        This is so right on point! I’ve heard colleagues with Ivy degrees talk about all the pressure they feel to succeed/achieve, and my state U self is thinking, “Pressured by whom? And why?” My mom’s like, “hey, my daughter went to college and grad school and is ok financially and has a nice family – YIPPEE!!” And that’s kind of where I’m at, too. I’ve “made it,” so now I can focus on giving back to others.

        1. This is very true. Your “circle” matters. I grew up in an upper-middle-class family where college and a graduate degree was expected. I went to a top-tier college and law school, and most of my peers have a similar mindset.

          My fiance grew up in a middle class family. He’s a police officer who didn’t finish college and his sister is a nurse. Both of them make about twice what I make as a lawyer despite not being “status” professions. They’re both comfortably financially, good at their jobs, and enjoy an excellent work-life balance with a rich network of friends, family, and hobbies. They and the family all consider them to have “made it,” which, frankly I guess they have.

          There was more than a little snobbery from my family when we first started dating about his blue collar family background, but that’s another story.

    14. I responded last night . . . the TLDR version is my identity is not tied to the numbers on my paycheck and I have taken pay cuts in the past for a better lifestyle and health reasons and have not felt bad about it at all.

      I probably wouldn’t take a pay cut right now but that’s because I make good money and work 40 hrs a week, full stop.

    15. I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. I’m debating whether to go from a Biglaw job to a government job in a similar but non-litigation field. My Biglaw job job just doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run – so many nights and all-nighters and weekends. I feel like I’m missing out on life for at least 4 months of the year, and it’s definitely taken a physical toll on me. But that said, it’s mentally a huge pay cut (70% cut but still in the very low six figures), and to an extent feels like I’m stepping backwards in my career just because of the much lower salary. I would feel better if the amount at new job was higher, just so that I felt like my worth was valued a bit more.

    16. Not at all, and I sometimes think that fact makes some of my partners distrust me slightly – they don’t understand what motivates me, but they know that I don’t care about money in the same way that they do and it bothers them.

      Every year, when bonuses and the new point allocation come out, they’re all briefly obsessed with where they stand – objectively but particularly as compared to one another – and the fact that I find the entire conversation deeply uninteresting is so, so confusing to them.

    17. You could argue that my salary is a core part of my identity inasmuch as wealth and power will better enable me to create the changes I want to see in our society (and make sure that my parents can be comfortable for the rest of their lives). I’m super focused on my career goals because they’re based on my values and making a positive impact on my community. I would want my obituary to talk about that. I’m skeptical that I can have much impact without wealth and power, and a high salary is a means to achieve that.

      That said, my salary itself doesn’t give me any emotional satisfaction. If I can achieve what I set out to do, that would be the equivalent of getting straight As for me.

      2. This. I make a comfortable salary (LCOL and just over six figures) but I would do the same job if they paid me half as much because I think the work I am doing is important and contributing to the overall betterment of my community. My parents definitely raised to me focus on financial self-sufficiency (as in middle class lifestyle) and then what actually mattered was how I helped make my community better.

    18. I make over $400k/year and I would give my right arm to find a job at half this amount or even less ($150?), that allowed me to have friendships, time at home, time for family, maybe even a relationship, time for hobbies and exercising and maybe the occasional TV program or movie.

      2. Are you the same person who periodically complains about how she is super rich and all alone? If you are, it’s been the same story for years. Do something about it. If you’re not that person, do something anyway. There are tons of jobs out there for someone with your qualifications. Also, if you truly believe money is the root of all evil (I completely disagree), I hope you are giving away 90% of your salary.

        1. +1 – I mean, even if you aren’t…this seems like a problem with a fairly obvious solution. You may need to move to make it feasible and would obviously have to readjust other aspects of your life, but ultimately doable. So…maybe do it?

        2. Amen to this. At the risk of sounding like a complete @sshole, this is such BS and almost laughable (i honestly cant tell if this is a troll). NO one is “forcing” you to make 400K a year. Adjust your lifestyle and find a job making less – simple.

          How much of a bubble must you be living in to type out the phrase “I make over $400k/year and I would give my right arm to find a job at half this amount or even less ($150?)”.

      3. I know it’s not as simple as this, but I’m just gonna toss out there that it should be fairly easy to find a job that pays $150k if you’re qualified to be in one that pays you $400k.

        My highest salary was never quite that high, but I’ll just say that the extra 60k I made while in biglaw was certainly not enough to stop me from thinking about driving my car off the top of the parking deck every day.

      4. It is not that simple, ladies. Not the super rich poster (?), but I have been interviewing ever since I paid off my student loans about 4 years ago.

        The jobs in my very niche specialty are few and far between. Most of my interviews grill me on why I would be interested in such a massive pay cut. I explain that I am at a point in my life where I want to prioritize other things like whether I truly enjoy my day-to-day work, have managed my lifestyle costs, etc. I explain that I don’t want to regularly hop on trans-Atlantic flights with no notice. I explain all of that. I walk the walk too – I show up for these interviews driving my 15 year old sedan, look presentable but don’t carry fancy bags, etc.

        Nobody calls me back. I have received one headhunter call in 4 years and they wanted me to move to Houston.

        1. The just quit. You could easily be financially independent at this point or very soon. Quit and figure out something else to do. But STFU with the martyrdom.

          1. Man, tone it down a bit. Telling someone to STFU isn’t appropriate at all and certainly not in keeping with the culture of this s1te.

          3. Anon at 2:17 – are you kidding me? Are you new around here?Are you new to the internet?

          4. No, I’m not new here. I’ve been visiting this s1te with frightening regularity since 2008. People used to come here because people don’t tend to throw expletives at one another.

        2. My advice would be to start looking out of your niche. Do the generic version of your profession in another industry.

    19. I have actually struggled with this a lot. I still make more than my husband, but he is now going to make close to what I am making for the first time in years — I make $380k (with bonus) and he will make about $300k (he was recently making $40k as a PhD student).

      This is a BANANAS amount of money. It is definitely 100% about achievement — I would rather make $1 million and be required to donate 90% of it than make $100,000. But I think it is because of my identity as a high-powered woman and someone who is invested in my career, and if I make less money, I feel that I will lose that part of my identity.

          1. Perhaps in industry and definitely not an academic job!
            — not PP or OP, just speculating :)

    20. I like making lots of money ($300k), but it wouldn’t bother me to take a pay cut. I think a lot of my feeling around money and identity are tied to growing up in a very frugal environment and then having a very low income and jobs I didn’t like for the first several years of my career. My first well-paying job was also the first job I’d ever had that was intellectually challenging and involved working with others who were also very intelligent and driven. I felt like I’d made it at that point in time and each successive step up in salary has just been gravy.

    21. I want to do big, important work. Often times, that also correlates (at least in the business world) to a high salary. I’m not focused on the numbers, but want to have a certain level of work / decision making and then want my salary to reflect my responsibilities.

      1. I’m the same way. I think I like power/responsibility more than money. And I’m in government, so the salaries are never going to be as high as the private sector, but that’s okay with me.

  2. This is a potentially dumb question, but how do you get a Retinol product for anti-aging? Since it’s not OTC, is it covered by insurance or is there a cheap generic available? Does Vitamin C serum help with anti-aging, or is that just general skin care?

    1. Differin, a retinoid that was formerly prescription-only, is now available over the counter.

    2. Retinoids and Retinol are different, do similar things, but strength is the main thing. When I got my first retinol rx, it was for the lowest grade .025% which cost ~$100-200, and then they have you move up to .05% and .1%. Each time the tube was ridiculously expensive (IMO), but they last a long time since you’re only using a pea sized amount.

      If you’re only looking for anti-aging benefits and don’t have cadillac insurance, I’d try a retinoid formula first. (Paula’s Choice is a great place to start.)

  3. Talk to me about Retinol for anti-aging. It sounds like it’s the best line of defense? If I get an Rx for it, I assume it’s not covered by insurance, so is it very expensive?

    1. It is not covered by insurance unless you have a medical condition for which it is prescribed (acne –yes; cosmetic uses–no). It’s expensive. A tube costs about $175 and lasts 3-4 months. It works well for me and my internist prescribed it.

  4. It would matter a lot to me. Part of that is the feeling that I could earn a lot more if I went into consulting. I earn a very good salary in the grand scheme of things, but it’s not now and never will be close to IB or BigLaw or anything like that. Another reason is that I’m the main earner in my family. If spouse earned as much or more than I do, there would be less of a financial need for my income, although I love my job and would keep working either way.

  5. I’ve started working more with biotech clients, and I was wondering if anyone in the space knew of a primer or good news sources I should read to understand the space better. A It’s a complicated area. In case it matters, I am on the legal side of things, in corporate, helping these clients raise capital. Was more of a tech gal before, but shifted firms. Any hints appreciated.

    1. Try STATNews (www.statnews.com), from the Boston Globe team; it covers not only the science of biotech but also the business angles.

      2. agree! i’m on the life sciences side and they do a great job.

        they don’t cover much, but i also think the atlantic does a good job with their writing.

        depending on what specific field you’re working in, there are some email/summary type lists that may be helpful, my favorite example for general medicine are the POEM (piece of evidence-based medicine) emails which summarize the findings and quality of one study per day.

    2. FierceBiotech and the related websites for Medical Devices and Pharma are very helpful. Also, many of the big biotech VC firms have blogs, and sites like Pitchbook have newsletters covering some biotech. I also really like Matthew Herper and Luke Timmerman on Forbes, and MIT’s Technology Review on Biomedicine. If you follow their Twitter accounts, you’ll get a lot of interesting stuff. Links below.

  6. Tips for making a temporary (~6-9 months) LDR more bearable? Dating about 6 months so far, will be in the same time zone but won’t be able to see each other more than about once a month.

    1. I am a big fan of talking on the phone. I realize no one does that now, but long, regular conversations are the best way to continue to get to know someone really well. My now husband and I were long distance for a time when we were dating. It was pre-Facetime, but I still think I’d prefer talking to Facetime because you can take a walk or whatever while you are on the phone. When we did pre cana before we got married, the counselor was super impressed at how well we know each other and how many important conversations we had already had that a lot of people haven’t addressed before marriage. So it can really be an opportunity to dive deep into the relationship without the everyday distractions of life.

      1. This. DH and I facetimed sometimes but regularly scheduled 1/2 hour phone conversations were great for developing our relationship. Sometimes we chatted while we cooked and cooked the same meal so it felt a bit more like eating dinner together.

      2. I endorse this too. DH and I were not long distance, but he worked in the evenings vs. my 9-5 schedule. We talked most evening for 15 minutes or so while he was on his break. It was great.

      3. Yeah, when my former husband and I were long-distance we used to get on the phone and watch TV together. Either a show that we could stream (making sure to start at the exact same moment) or a live sports event. Or just on the phone while going about our business.

      4. I agree with everything you said. The Spouse and I were LD for almost 4 years and typically saw each other no more than once a month other than a 3 month period when I took a job in their city. However, we talked on the phone or IM’ed a ton. When we finally got married, we had already dealt with a lot of communication issues people generally have to work out after marriage and I really think it’s been helpful. Our pre-marital counselor was impressed at our skills too, which was nice. :)

    2. Lengthy, regular video-chat dates. I have a friend who’s taken it up a notch by having their date over dinner, and they each cook the same meal so it’s more like they’re eating together (and they get to try out a lot of cool recipes!).

    3. I’m in exactly this position: currently on month 9 of an LDR, with in-person visits about every 5 weeks. Frequent video calls and near-constant texting help (good morning texts, goodnight, lengthy weekend chats as we’re doing laundry etc.) We’ve also watched TV shows together using rabb.it, which lets you chat as you view the same screen.

      And we’ve done a lot of pining…

      1. Jumping off your pining remark, I think it helps to really lean into pining (in moderation). You don’t have to always feel okay! You can take time to just sit and miss him, and listen to sad music, and moon over his letters.

        Write real letters! They are nice to write and nice to read and nice to moon over. You can always burn them before you die.

      2. +1 Frequent communication is key. Now-DH and I were long distance for a long time and texted for about an hour every weekday during our commutes and on and off all weekend. Also, making visits a priority. Sometimes I think we spent more time “talking” (whether texting or talking on the phone) when we were apart than we sometimes do when we’re together.

  8. My niece is graduating with her BS in Engineering and starting her first real (non-intern) job in May. I’d like to get her a book to help with the transition. (and some cash to help with the wardrobe!) I know that Good Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office is often recommended — is that still the go-to book or is there something better out there?

    (I’m not sure I cared for GGDGCO, but maybe that is because I read it too far along in my career?)

    1. I liked the Confidence Code and Presence (though some of her studies have been discredited I think?) for other books aimed at women navigating the business world.

      1. Confidence Code is thought provoking, co-sign this rec. The Defining Decade is a winner for anyone in their 20s. Women, Work, and the Art of Savoir Faire is interesting and can be unrelatable, but it’s good (context: the same lady who wrote French Women Don’t Get Fat…sooo, take it with a grain of fleur de sel).

          1. Ask a Mangaer is great, just used some of her sample language to ask a long time client for more money this morning!

    4. Not women specific, but How to Win Friends and Influence People is always a great read.

    6. Lean In for sure, if only for the nugget of taking a seat at the table. I STILL walk into meetings where the junior female staff have taken seats ringing the room, while their male peers are holding down a table seat.

    7. I graduated from engineering school last May! Congrats to your niece.
      I read Post Grad: Five Women and their First Year out of College by Caroline Kitchener. It showed me that plans don’t always go how you want and that’s ok, and that the transition out of college is hard but you come out stronger in the end.

    8. Ask A Manager is a really good blog with lots of tips how to navigate the professional world.

      1. This book gave me the kick in the pants I needed in my late 20’s – if your niece is bright but not 100% sure what she wants to do, this will be helpful to her. (Assuming she reads it, not sure I would’ve read any book like that at her age.)

    11. My much younger sister is also just entering the working world (nonprofit). I’m putting together a care package with a couple books and the following for her office. Any recommendations for things to add?

      Tide pen
      Static Guard
      Lint roller
      Colgate wisps
      Snacks from TJ’s
      Picture frame

      1. Fun office appropriate coffee mug
        Reusable water bottle
        Plastic cutlery / couple of plastic plates if her employer doesn’t supply this

        This is a really nice idea though!

      3. I love this idea! I was going to give her some cash to help with the wardrobe, but now I’m wondering what I can pull together like this before I see her this weekend…..

    12. agree with Lean in

      How about a study guide for the professional engineering exam? or a nice handbag/accessory? Or a donation to SWE in honor of her graduation? I worry that Good girls don’t get the corner office is more business focused than engineering.

    13. Adulting: How to Become a Grown Up in 468 Steps. It’s written by a blogger and is casual/funny. It has chapters for meal planning, home care, car maintenance, adult relationships, etc.

    14. Thanks so much for all the recs. You guys are the best! There are a few ones here that I might look at for myself, too — like the AAM one!

  9. Piggybacking on the ergonomics post a few weeks back – I’m ISO a dual monitor stand that also has a riser/extends higher than my current one. I have a standard issue HP dual monitor stand, but it’s not high enough to reduce neck strain for this tall lady. I’m open to buying a whole new setup (<$500) but don't have room for a standing desk (huge walnut desk, plus it would get lots of side eye in our office.) Anyone have a great desk setup they just love?

    2. I love my ergotron workfit S. It’s a sit/stand solution kind of like Varidesk – attaches to your current desk. If you can get over the side-eye, the benefits of being able to stand are (for me, at least) huge.

    3. There are a lot of standing desk converters (aka sit/stand desks or desk risers) that sit on top of your regular desk but can also rise for standing in seconds. They come at a lot of different price points, in manual and electric, in various different finishes, various sizes, with and without monitor posts attached… there are a ton of options. Check out Beyond the Office Door for a lot of in-depth reviews of various brands and models.

  10. I’m trying to make baths a more frequent part of my routine. What are your favorite bath products? Is there such a thing as a moisturizing bath treatment? This extended winter is doing a number on my skin; my normal lotion can’t keep up.

    1. Good ole Avon skin so soft bath oil will be lovely, but be forewarned: it will be a pita to get your tub clean afterwards! Greasy, and everything will stick to it! But you will be heavenly soft.

    2. I use epsom salts – either plain salt and I add scented bath oil to the water or lavender scented salts (I use Up & Up from Target).

    3. Lush bath bombs. They have a couple that are really moisturizing and smell amazing.

      2. Same. They’re amazing and kids can use them too. I chop the in half typically to get more mileage.

    4. Good old fashioned Aveeno oatmeal baths. I soak for a while and then finish up by rubbing bath oil all over while still in the tub.

  11. Can someone explain Pilates to me? I’m interested in taking a class but unsure of the difference in different classes. Also, what does one wear – is anything specific recomended? Shoes? What does a class involve? Will taking it just once a week do anything for me? Thanks!

    1. So there are two types of Pilates: reformer and mat. Reformer is a machine with pulleys and the mat is just a workout on a mat. Pilates focuses on the core, your breathing, and often on slow, controlled movements. I believe when it was first created, it was used on returning veterans, so a lot of the movements will echo muscle strengthening exercises you may have done in PT. Generally, you wear something similar to what you might wear in yoga, except that if you are using a machine, most places will want you to wear grippy toe socks.

      As for effectiveness, doing anything just once a week alone won’t do anything, but it is a really great companion to other exercise the rest of the week.

    2. You want to begin with a mat class. You wear comfy clothes (shorts/t-shirt) and no shoes. The class involves spine positioning, stretches, ab work, and the like. A weekly class sounds like a good beginning.

  12. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping so I’m trying to improve my sleep hygiene. One thing I’m working on is less screen time before bed. I typically watch tv before bed so I need to fill that time with something else. I know one answer is to read a book, but I’m having trouble finding something is boring enough that it won’t end up keeping me up turning pages. Any other ideas for things to do at night when you’re trying to wind down for bed?

    1. What has been key for my sleep hygiene is no phone in bed, ever. I often watch TV before bed, but I’m also a night showerer and I find that helps clear my head for sleep.

    2. Magazines instead of books so you don’t end up with the “I must finish this 300 page novel immediately” problem. My bedtime reading is an article or two in National Geographic.

      1. I tend to do this, too.

        Or, and this is out there, but I find that a visual puzzle book (like Where’s Waldo, seriously) is helpful to tire my brain out enough to go to sleep. It’s not reading, no, but it’s a nice use for that end-of-day energy. I found a collection of all of the WW puzzles in one small book, marketed as a travel version. Lives in my nightstand.

        1. Lol, I have the opposite experience. I get impatient and frustrated if I can’t find Waldo in a reasonable amount of time, but if you’re a more patient person than me, this advice might work for you.

      1. I love short stories. The ones by Sloane Crosley or Lorrie Moore are good starters. Or pick up a copy of the “best short story” anthologies that come out every year. Your library should have them.

    5. I find that when I go around and do a little decluttering/prep for the next morning (not a lot, but straightening up pillows/folding blankets/etc.) it also helps to shut my brain off. Almost like I’m putting the house to bed first and then I’m next.

    7. I don’t like to spend my life reading boring books so I stick to old favorites if I need something calming.

    8. Non fiction is good for this too. Especially if it is a story you are somewhat familiar with are already know the “outcome”. I’ve realized that fiction books stress me out to much to read right before bed. Or they’re too boring and I’m not interested in even finding out what happens next.

    10. I “watch” old stand-up comedy routines. If the TV is on, I can just roll over and listen without staring at the light. And because I know the routines, I’m not so engrossed to wonder what’s next. But at the same time, I’m listening and finding it humorous so in a less anxious state. It’s shocking how much faster I fall asleep than if I try to read something. (Full transparency–I work in publishing, so may just be that the editor in me just can’t turn off.)

      1. Same, but also with old funny movies I’ve seen a hundred times. Relaxes me and focuses my brain away from the list of a thousand worries.

    11. I’ve found Jane Austen books to be good bedtime reading. Something about the way they are written really relaxes me and helps me fall asleep. I’ve also read short stories about Greek mythology before bed, the fantasy aspect of it helped me relax and stop thinking about real-life things.

  13. I posted too late on yesterday’s morning thread –

    Do any of you use am0re pacific skin care?

    I was at a conference in one of the nor’easter cities last week and did a lot of walking in very cold and windy weather. My usually not dry face got dry and tight, so I went to a nearby department store to look for a rich moisturizer. I ended up with some samples of am0re pacific and loved the sleeping mask, which fixed me right up. But both mornings after I’d used it, I had a small white headed zit – the kind that’s easy to get rid of, not a cyst (I have a history of cystic acne so definitely know the difference.)

    Is this an expected side effect of a rich moisturizing treatment, or would you keep looking? Because I otherwise love how the mask made my skin look and feel.

    I’ve been reading about korean skincare now and… what a rabbit hole!

    1. I just ordered a bunch of stuff from innisfree so I can’t give a full report yet, except that I’m excited to use everything! I can say the sheet masks helped restore moisture to my face after a trip to the rocky mountains. I’ve found that usually they are too much for my semi humid climate.

      The price point of innisfree is pretty good and they seem to use less bad ingredients than other things at that price. I bought a face wash, exfoliating wash, day moisture (no spf. I didn’t like the ingredients in the spf moisturizer. Plus, I’m inside at a desk all day.), toner, and a pore refining mask.

      I get overwhelmed in general when reading about skin care. The innisfree website tells you how to use everything which I found helpful.

      1. Thank you! I have never heard of that brand or website but I’m going to check it out now.

    2. After a lifetime of oily/combination skin, in my late 30’s I’ve started to experience dry skin for the first time. I’ve recently (~1.5 years) started to use oils / rich moisturizers. I generally feel like my skin has never looked better. I don’t expect to get white heads though – that may happen occasionally, but it could also be a sign that the product is not right for your skin. I’d try getting a few other samples and see if those work better for you (I like the Korres Greek Yoghurt Sleeping Facial – I’m sure Sephora would give you a sample!).

    3. I use Korean skincare and have for years – I get lots of compliments on my previously not great skin now.

      I am prone to acne but also dryness and I find that many of the heavier creams cause breakouts. What has worked for me is the multi-step process using lighter layers at each step.

      I use:
      1. Cleanser (cetaphil in morning, double cleanse with oil then foam or micellar water than cleanser)
      2. Toner (I have some freckling bc I’m very fair so I’m actually alternating a Korean one (which is called “Skin” a lot of the time) and R&F reverse (which has hydroquinone)
      3. Essence and/or serum (I swap serums depending on my issue; right now I’m using a vitamin C one from Target and it’s good at improving glow/texture)
      4. Lotion
      5. Cream (I use cream on drier parts and, when I am really dry, I add a few drops of facial oil to the cream and mix on the back of my hand before applying)
      6. eye cream – nothing heavy here
      7. SPF
      8. BB cream

      At night I alternate sheet masks for dryness and retin A for acne/wrinkles

      I also use a glycolic peel at home 1-2xs a week depending on how congested my skin seems.

      It sounds like a lot but goes pretty quickly. I used to have pretty bad skin and people now stop me on the street to ask what products I use (and I’m over 40).

        1. Years ago, I started with Innisfree (used by poster above) and it’s a good lower priced option. I especially like their green tea line for my break-out prone skin.

          I have also use Missha, which is not too expensive and widely available and it’s good as well.

          Right now I mostly use HanYul, which is harder to find and more expensive but works the best for me, along with a hodge podge of other products based on needs.

          Here are links to things I use/like:

          1.Cleanser
          Morning – cetaphil
          Evening – micellar water (simple brand https://www.amazon.com/Simple-Kind-Cleansing-Water-Micellar/dp/B00ZVHGVTQ/ref=sr_1_8_s_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1522170021&sr=1-8&keywords=simple+micellar+cleansing+water ) followed by cleanser (currently using Banilla Clean It https://www.amazon.com/banila-Clean-Makeup-Remover-Ounce/dp/B004PFM5XQ/ref=sr_1_6_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1522170129&sr=1-6&keywords=banila+co+clean+it+zero )
          or two-step https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00SUZWGHM/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
          2. Toner/Skin; essence; lotion; cream; facial oil; spf; BB cream – All are HanYul GeukJin line https://www.amazon.com/Hanyul-Geuk-Jin-Toner-Ounce/dp/B00SM6Q0NK/ref=sr_1_11_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1522170252&sr=1-11&keywords=hanyul
          BUT Missha and Innisfree are good options at a lower price point
          3. Vitamin C serum I’m using lately and like: https://www.target.com/p/e-l-f-beauty-shield-vitamin-c-face-protecting-serum-95-fl-oz/-/A-52497786

        2. Longer post in moderation :(

          Here are some easier to find/lower priced alternatives:

          Innisfree green tea line sampler

          https://www.amazon.com/Innisfree-Green-Balancing-Special-Lotion/dp/B06Y1R5M77/ref=sr_1_49_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1522170654&sr=1-49&keywords=innisfree

          Missha sun milk – really light and great! https://www.amazon.com/MISSHA-Around-Block-Essence-SPF50/dp/B01FEYNNYG/ref=sr_1_4_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1522170622&sr=1-4&keywords=missha+sun+milk

        3. Also Amorepacific owns Innisfree (and also IOPE, which is good, too) but IME Amorepacific was too heavy and caused me to break out – not worth the $$$ for me

        3. I just started using the E.L.F. vitamin C serum from Target and I really like it
          https://www.target.com/p/e-l-f-beauty-shield-vitamin-c-face-protecting-serum-95-fl-oz/-/A-52497786

          As a close second to Korean skin care products, I really like the entire Biologique Recherché line but it’s crazy expensive and hard to buy – you must login and buy from spa that is licensed to distribute and there aren’t many

          https://www.paullabrecque.com/collections/biologique-recherche-all-collections

    4. Download the beautypedia app – breaks down why products are good or bad based on ingredients (and science!)

      1. I used to like her books and then beautypedia but now I feel she uses it mainly to hawk her own products and nothing measures up to her products in the reviews. I miss it being more of an independent service rather than a marketing tool.

        1. Agreed, its v Paula’s heavy. But I stand by their products, and I appreciate how they tell you what benefits an ingredient actually provides.

        2. Oh also, Caroline Hirons. She is the Queen Bee of skincare and is brand-agnostic – not all Korean but truly great advice. (Some are only available in the UK, though.)

    5. I have not personally used amore pacific, but I use a (mostly) Korean skin care routine:
      1) Cleanser: Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser ($6.99 at Ulta: https://www.ulta.com/fresh-foaming-cleanser?productId=prod5021861)

      2) Toner: Humphrye’s Lilac Witch Hazel Skin Softening Facial Toner (alcohol-free) (available at Sprouts, Whole Foods, Amazon: http://www.humphreysusa.com/skin-toner-lilac.htm)

      2.5) I sometimes use Essence after toner: the face shop’s SMIM radiating essence (it’s a pink/blue bottle – not sure if they sell it anymore)

      3) Serum: Purlisse Youth Preserve Serum: ($35 on purlisse: https://purlisse.com/products/pur-youth-preserve-serum)

      4) Eye Cream: Missha Misa Geum Sul Vitalizing Eye Cream ($45 on sokoglam (sign up for 10% off code or search online for a code): https://sokoglam.com/products/missha-misa-geum-sul-vitalizing-eye-cream-30ml)

      BTW – sokoglam has a good run down of the k-beauty steps (https://sokoglam.com/pages/the-korean-skin-care-routine)

      5) Facial moisturizer: the face shop chia seed no-shine intense hydrating cream (usually $35-45: https://thefaceshop.ca/en/chia-seed-no-shine-intense-hydrating-cream)

      I only do this at night, as I am too lazy to do any of this in the morning.

      In the morning, if I wake up at the time I should, I apply hourglass veil primer, followed by lancome dual finish foundation and lancome subtil blush. If I wake up late, I skip primer and use the face shop’s waterproof bb cream (https://thefaceshop.ca/en/waterproof-bb-cream) which is intended to be a 1-step cream (it’s very creamy and is supposed to be an “all in one” type of makeup) with lancome subtil blush. I don’t need primer with this one – it doesn’t feel oily or like it’s falling off my face after hours of wear. I have found this bb cream to be better than their power perfection bb cream, which feels oily to me at the end of the day.

  14. I’d love to hear stories about lateraling from one firm to another. I’m just starting the process and I’m interested in how long the search takes, whether you work with one recruiter or multiple, and how you network within an industry without outing yourself to your current firm. I’m in regulatory work in DC so the network is extremely small. TIA!

  15. We are buying our first house and will be moving in June. I need recommendations for furniture stores (for sofa, chairs, dinner table, beds etc). Our style is modern with classic elements (e.g. nice dark wood table with modern chairs and color accents).

    1. Live in the house for a bit before making any major purchases so that you have a feel for what you think might actually work in the house (seeing it at each time of day to see how the light changes helps) and to see what areas you use most so that you can concentrate your money and time there.

      I wanted an amazing retreat/personal office space in the third bedroom and it’s turned into a shoe closet, second bedroom, and collection of random hobbies keeper. Glad I didn’t spend the time decorating it extensively.

      1. Yeah, we’re definitely planning on living in an empty space for a while. Just looking for inspiration at this point.

    2. Use Pintrest to pin a whole bunch of looks that you like. Then when you go out shopping for furniture, try and recreate that look. I love a mixture of high end and low end: think HomeGoods and Arhaus.

      1. Yes, Room and Board is awesome. Generally, for high-use items, go for the quality items and for accent pieces or things that get less use, you can go cheaper. I have a R+B bed, sofa, and rug and they are still in wonderful shape after years.

    6. I love Arhus (Arhaus?) and Joybird for sofas. I have a lot of furniture from Arhus and it’s held up beautifully over 10+ years, and multiple cross-country moves.

    7. I think West Elm is more modern than C&B if you’re looking at those type of stores.

    8. I’ve posted about it before, but I love Article – high quality, cool mid-century looks & it’s reasonably priced.

  16. Looking for advice. A coworker I love dearly put in his two weeks notice this morning. I know this is a good thing (it’s a good move for him, he’s staying in the city, etc) but I can’t help feeling really really sad about it. I’m trying to frame it as growing my professional network (“hey look, now I have a contact at a new company without having to lift a finger!” but mostly I’m just sad to be losing a friend. Any advice on how to reframe this/deal with it in a healthy way?

    1. There’s nothing unhealthy about just being sad that your colleague and friend is moving on. You’re happy for him, and it doesn’t sound like you’re circling the drain. You’re fine. You don’t need to reframe it. You’ll get used to it once the shock wears off a bit. FWIW, my colleague/best office friend just left for the same reason. It’s sad, and it will stink not to have him there, but that’s life. People leave jobs. Change is constant.

    2. It’s okay to be sad/disappointed that you aren’t going to see this person on a regular basis anymore. That’s pretty normal and don’t think it needs any reframing. Maybe set up a HH or lunch in a 2/4/6 months as a way to stay in contact, so you don’t lose them as a friend/contact all together.

      But yeah, these are your feelings and issue to work through, so don’t dump on coworker with it (not that you indicated you were going to.)

    3. At my previous job, my top three favorite people all left about the same time. They all had legitimate gripes and I was jealous they were getting out. Is it possible some of what you feel is that you should leave, but can’t admit it to yourself? Just taking a stab here but otherwise, start thinking of who you might start cultivating for your new top tier work friends.

      1. Well, I’ve been here less than a year and this is my first job out of college, so I think it’s less that I want to leave and more that I don’t have a lot of experience seeing these people go. We’re a legal consulting firm, so this is a person I’ve had some very late nights and was a huge help in onboarding me. (My other work bestie is leaving in July to go back to school across the Atlantic, so I was already bummed out about that.)

        1. Ah, I understand. It sucks for sure. The only consistent thing in the workplace is change. Sorry you are losing your friends there.

  17. I’m considering a move to Columbia for a professional position. I have some concerns about living there as a woman of color due to comments I’ve heard from people about racial tension in the university and in St Louis. This may be a long shot, but if you live there I would love your perspective.

    1. Is this for a job at the university? If so, ask the recruitment people these questions and ask to be connected to other POC for candid discussion about these issues. I work at a different university in a small Midwestern town (not Missouri though) and lots of minorities are hesitant to come here because the state is so white. We regularly connect them with other POC for informal discussion.

    2. I live in Columbia! I’m white but date a POC. Columbia is a fairly progressive place as far as the non-major-city midwest goes. My partner has not experienced much, if any, racism here, and we live in a diverse neighborhood. But Columbia is primarily white and it is still a pretty small college town in the midwest. I have heard from people (of multiple races) that it is hard to meet friends/potential partners here unless you went to school here or grew up here. TBH, it would not be my first choice of a place to live just because there isn’t much here. I agree with anon above, though. If it is a job with the University or one of the bigger companies here, reach out and ask to be put in contact with someone who might be able to help you get a feel for the community.

  18. I’m not sure how to handle this situation and I’d like some advice. I met Friend through mutual friends about 6 months ago. I was a little surprised I’d never met Friend, though admittedly the mutual friends hang out a lot more often than I can – they have 9 to 5s and I’m in biglaw. Friend is always talking about how popular she is and how she’s invited to everything so I figured our schedules just hadn’t meshed.

    I liked Friend but she got really intense really quickly – texted me constantly, called me during the day at work (she looked up the number on my firm profile), told me I’d be her MOH when she married her (brand new) BF, etc. I started distancing myself when I noticed some concerning behaviors – she drinks and drives, has explosive and public fallouts with once-close friends, gets into bar fights, flakes at the last minute… the list goes on. She tried to passive aggressively get me to cater to her, and when that didn’t work, she manufactured some dispute with me and declared our friendship over. That was a couple weeks ago.

    Mutual friends have had some events since then and she hasn’t shown up, even though she RSVPed and in one case had promised to bring the main course for a potluck. I figured she was just being flaky as usual. This morning, she texted me that it’s not fair of me to not let her see her friends anymore, we need to split up events in the future. I’m considering blocking her number. I’m a little afraid that she’s going to have some blow up at me at someone’s party though. How do I deal with this?

    1. I would ignore her. I can’t imagine that your mutual friend’s don’t recognize her behavior and see her as the problem. Let her blow up at you at a party – so what? Be cool and be the bigger and better person. Don’t waste any more energy on this “friend.”

    2. May I ask, why are others in your circle friends with her? Is there some external perspective here?

      1. I’m not really sure? I’ve talked to two people about it. One was Friend’s last casualty and was the person who introduced her to our mutual friends. The other is probably the next casualty; Friend is already doing the passive aggressive stuff to her that she just did to me. I haven’t tried to talk to anyone else because I don’t want to gossip or create more drama. Friend is always gossiping about someone and I don’t want to feed into it.

        1. I think there’s a difference between “Hey, have you noticed Friend doing X? I’ve gotten a lot of that from her and wanted to see if it was just me.” and gossiping. You are asking about specific behaviors you have been a party to vs talking about other stuff that you aren’t involved in.

    3. Don’t respond but don’t block her number. If you do respond, just say something like ” I have no problem attending an event you are also attending.” Don’t engage further even if she responds again.

      She’s definitely moved from flaky to rude if she promised to bring the main course at a potluck and didn’t show. Hopefully mutual friends will stop inviting her if she treats them like she treated you.

      1. +1 to this. Woman is a nightmare. If your friend group consists of otherwise normal people, she’ll be out in another 6 months.

    4. Honestly she sounds unhinged with a healthy dose of some kind of attachment disorder. Agree with the others, don’t engage or politely respond like Anonymous at 10:57 suggested. She seems like the give an inch take a mile sort. We really don’t want to see you on an episode of Snapped.

    5. Sounds like my mom. Check out borderline personality disorder…it will explain a lot (not only with respect to ex-friend, but with respect to how your friend circle is acting in relation to her as well).

    6. No real advice here, but right before I saw this comment I was thinking about how there are women who will cling to you immediately, say you’re so amazing and she loves you and you’re her new best friend, and then 6 months down the road you see her getting mad about something that seems small and you’re like “oh fuuuuuuh . . .” and then it happens, she’s decided you’re awful and she never wants to see you again, OR you distance yourself preemptively because you know what’s coming if you don’t.

      Google the term “missing stair,” I know some only use it in the context of predatory dudes in friend groups, but I think the term can be applied a bit more generally to other problematic friends, like this woman, where everyone seems aware of That Thing They Do but everyone just works around it and doesn’t address it directly. Someone who’s still friends with her needs to sit her down, lay out the behavior and why it’s an issue, and tell her she needs to stop or she’ll stop being invited out.

  19. Has anyone tried keto? What was your experience? What resources did you use to plan your meals and keep you on track?

    1. I did last summer. I felt good (after an initial ‘keto flu’ when I was exhausted) and lost a little weight. I highly recommend the Eat Happy cookbook by Vocino.
      I’m not doing a strict diet anymore but just limit grains as much as I can/want.

    2. Yes, and I lost 60 lbs and kept it off. A few years later, and I’m less strict. Some people call it “lazy keto”, but I think of it as eating smarter. Now, I can’t stand sugar in my coffee and am much more aware of what I eat. I also cook more. There are many FB groups you can join.

    3. I recommend books by Craig and Maria Emmerich. Their book “Keto” goes through all the science of it and their cleanse book is the book they recommend you start with. They have a FB group too, which is full of helpful advice. They are science-based, not faddish, and they answer questions in that Cleanse Facebook group.

  20. Has anyone ever tried anything from Allsaints? I’m obsessing over the City Monument Coat in smoke pink.

    1. I tried on several sweaters and jackets in the store. They seemed to be well made, but all were very heavy and most were quite shapeless. I got swallowed up in most of the styles.

  21. My cousin has a child with a developmental disability, and she asked my help with his college applications. I am not sure what my cousin’s child’s post high school options are. I’m not sure if my cousin knows either. My cousin comes from a different culture than me–she’s a recent immigrant from India. In my interactions with her, she’s never discussed her son’s disability, and I don’t have a full sense of her son’s limitations, even though we see each other often. For a number of reasons, I’m worried that my cousin’s hopes and expectations for her son might not be realistic and that she might plan poorly for her son as a result. How do I help her learn about the options for her son in America (she recently immigrated and might not know a lot about college)? Another issue is that we’ve never ever spoken to each other about how her son is different and what his life options may be. We are an otherwise close family, and I don’t know if this is a cultural thing, but we have been completely in denial about it. I think when my cousin’s son was a kid it wasn’t so apparent that he was differently abled. How do I bring up the topic in a helpful manner that doesn’t hurt her feelings or assume things that are incorrect about her son.

    1. Have you seen his grades/SAT scores? Does he go to a regular high school? I wouldn’t assume anything until you have that information. If he has low grades/test scores (or no grades/test scores at all), I think you can use that as a starting point to explain to your cousin that her expectations may be unrealistic without getting too much into her son’s disability.

      1. This. You need to understand if he is completing a regular high school program and just may need certain accommodations (e.g. dyslexic and needs alternative test format) vs. not graduating a regular high school program and likely not eligible for a standard 4 year college program.

      2. Agreed. Also, does he have a guidance counselor at school? His guidance counsel will have his file and can provide him with a list of targets, including reach and safety schools. From there, you can help him craft applications.

        1. Yeah I would connect the cousin with the counselor and let that be my “help,” particularly if you think the cousin might have unrealistic expectations. That’s the counselor’s job and they work with many parents with unrealistic expectations.

      3. Yep. I’m teaching a developmentally disabled student at community college who is in over his head. Its driving me around the bend because he is far enough behind his classmates to be disruptive in the class. On the other hand, I have two other DD students who with accommodation are setting the curve. A frank talk about what success for your cousin’s son looks like would be the most useful thing you can do.

    2. Also, for a lot of kids, college includes starting at a community college, often PT and in the summer. If he is a junior, that could be what he tries this summer, along with a PT job.

      Community colleges can do skills assessments and help with any remediation and prepare a program that will allow him to transfer to a 4-year college (if that is in the cards) or prepare for a vocation (if that is more likely) that will allow for him to earn a living and live as a successful grownup.

      There are ranges of disabilities. If he is autistic / ASP, he may actually be well-suited to a lot of careers.

    3. I’m Indian – by and large it is an Indian thing to be in denial of such issues esp if the child can pass for a typical child at first glance. I’m not saying all families – but many – raise their kids in such deep denial and assuming the issue is a personality one and the kid is intellectually fine — it comes down to, no one will care when he’s a doctor or engineer and then they push the kid down those roads because a prestigious career and money cures all. I know it’s stereotypical but I’ve seen it in my own extended family. I have a cousin who is classically aspergers. The parents are in such deep denial that they’ve never offered any socialization, coaching on dealing with people etc — to them, all will be well once he’s a dr — a 100% people profession. (Not saying aspergers kids can’t be doctors but right now the thought of being trapped in a family gathering with him, let alone in a tiny exam room in a gown, makes people run from him. He’d do better if he was given some training re social cues etc – not to be the best bedside manner MD there was but just not to make people uncomfortable. Of course his parents feel that’s ludicrous.)

      1. He sounds perfect to become a pathologist or radiologist. These are doctors that don’t interact with patients at all, if preferred. And they make a lot of money compared with doctors that interact with people.

        1. Yes. That’s what the extended family is hoping happens. The parents are really really involved though and don’t want to see reality, so I can see them checking out other specialties that pay even more and convincing him that there’s no reason he couldn’t be a cardiologist or whatever. Honestly maybe it’d be better for him if they backed off – he’s not a dumb kid, he can make decisions.

    4. There are colleges with programs specifically aimed at students with intellectual disabilities. Some are great, some are terrible (just like any other program, I guess.) Focus on those that teach an employable skill (not just “life skills”) if independence is the ultimate goal.

      https://thinkcollege.net/college-search

  22. For ladies who are married- do your acquaintances know you’re married? I wear a wedding ring (plain thin gold band) and at first mention of my husband people tend to express surprise. And then afterward people tend to be confused about his status (he gets called my boyfriend, fiance, etc). Not that this is important at all and it doesn’t bother me, but none of my friends have had this experience and I’m curious about other ladies’ experiences.

    1. To quote Michelle, how rude. Do you refer to him as your husband? There are times when I forget to put on my wedding band after cleaning it, etc, but I haven’t experienced this at all.

      1. Yeah I wonder if OP refers to him by name instead of calling him her husband. Something weird culturally happens to women (maybe men too I just have more female friends) when they get engaged. They stop referring to their male SO by his name and he suddenly becomes FEEEEEYYYYOOOONNNSSSAAAAAYYYYY!!!! And then husband after the wedding. Like, I’ve known Sue and Bob for 10 years and I was her MOH but all of a sudden Sue only refers to Bob as fiance/husband like I’ve forgotten who he is? It’s so strangely possessive to only refer to a person by their relationship to you.

        I’ve seen it with new parents too. During the pregnancy, the baby is just – the baby – or maybe – Carly. After it’s born, it’s not the baby or Carly, it’s ‘my daughter’. Like yes I know who you’re talking about I was at the shower and gender reveal and I saw your daily baby bump snaps.

        1. +1

          I have noticed this so much that I make it a point to call my husband by his first name only. I only use a qualifier if there are multiple Ryans in the conversation/room.

          1. Yes, this. In conversation, I usually say something like, “my fiance, John” and then refer to him as just John from that point on. He is so much more than just the person I am going to marry and deserves his own identity.

        2. I would be the same way. Of course I would refer to a guy as my fiancee and later my HUSBAND. I would want everyone to know that I have found a guy who is goeing to be true to me and ME alone, with no other women for him to have s-x with.

        3. This is so hilariously accurate. I was at a party recently where a woman referred to her SO as “Bob” several times. I was surprised when I realized 10 minutes later that they were married. My default assumption was that if a woman was using her SO’s first name, they weren’t engaged or married yet.

    2. Perhaps you look particularly young? I wear a ring, and spouses/families come up all the time in my friendly office, and he and I are together on the weekends, so I’ve never run into this.

      1. I do look young, like early 20s. but these people know how old I am, which confuses me. I kind of think it’s because of my lack of traditional wedding ring, but that’s not based on much except for chatting with friends.

        1. Gold band is about as traditional as wedding rings come. I also wear a plain band and haven’t ever had this issue, so my guess is it’s something else about the context.

          1. Fair. I was thinking it might be the lack of engagement ring or any other stone since everyone else I know has one. It could be that it’s just not conspicuous enough or out of step with this group’s expectations. Or something else entirely.

    3. This happens to me somewhat often with both men and women, and I finally decided it might be because I don’t wear an engagement ring. Apparently a wedding band (even one with shiny rocks in it) doesn’t stand out enough for some people to notice it.

    4. I experienced something similar recently. My husband and I went to a legal conference where we both knew people, because we don’t have the same name, it wasn’t immediately obvious we were (fairly recently) married. So there were several occasions when, for example, a friend of his would come up and say hi to him, and he’d say “oh, do you know Senior Attorney?” and Friend would say “yes” or “no” and we’d chat, and then Friend would go on with his or her day without realizing that we were married.

      Which is fine, I guess, but it just felt a little weird.

    5. Who is doing this?

      In my experience, such things are usually the result of s*xual attraction – either to you or your husband. Downplaying the relationship makes it “okay.”

      Signed, engaged and had to fend off someone a week ago who told me it was a mistake, I was settling, etc., because he wanted to bang me.

    6. I experience the opposite—people routinely refer to my BF as my husband even though I’ve clearly introduced him as BF. We live together so it happens most often when shopping for household items/furniture, but it also comes up socially. I’m early 30s so I really think it’s a subconscious age expectation (even if your coworkers know how old you actually are). I think it’s probably less your nontraditional ring, because I get the married assumption without wearing anything (and we live in a city where a big ring is the default).

      1. Same – I think this may also depend on the region where you live? When I lived in a big northeastern city I think people were more surprises to hear someone had a wife/husband since no one in my social circle was anywhere close to getting married. Now that I live in a midsize southeastern city, people call my boyfriend my husband or fiance constantly. I don’t bother to correct them most of the time because I’m lazy and the 70 year old guy I work with is never going to remember but I do think it’s funny when people say Mr. My Last Name because they have assumed we are married and I took his last name.

    7. Yeah, I’ve had a couple people ask me if we were married. I similarly only wear a slim gold band, my husband rarely wears his wedding ring, and we have different last names, so I get why it happens. Then again, before we were married lots of people used to assume he was my husband, so I think it’s just one of those things.

    8. I have the same issue. I wear a plain wedding ring as well, and neither of us changed our last name. And I refer to him by name/”my husband” in conversation. People who know me know that I am married. But the lack of diamond ring/shared name thing really throws new people for a loop. I have even gotten explicit push back on both (i.e., “Is that really a wedding ring? Are you sure?” like yes I’m sure, I picked it out and got married with it; “Well what does marriage even mean to you if you’re not willing to change your name”).

      1. I wonder how much of this is regional. In the pnw I can’t imagine ever getting that kind of question (and didn’t in the mid Atlantic either). I am one of the anons above who wears a plain band, and also did not change my name.

  23. This is dumb – but ever look at somebody as JUST their job? Have seen a cardiologist since my late teens so over 20 years, I really like (and trust) him as a dr. We chat plenty (not that I’m there to socialize but it’s nervous distraction + being around someone who has known you since you were in college) but it used to be about school when I was young and now work. In passing he’s mentioned a wife and a daughter close to my age probably once but he struck me as a workaholic MD – which cardiologists often are. So I see him this week and he says something about his daughter and new son in law. Don’t know how we get to it but it turns out I know the daughter and son in law casually. I check social media later to make sure I’m thinking of the right people and of course there’s family pics w cardiologist dad on vacation, holidays etc. Super cool and now I’m like — I really thought this guy worked 24/7 and had no other life?? It’s like when you’re in elementary school and you see your teacher out at the store or with her kids for the first time and you’re like – Mrs Jones eats and has a family, I thought she JUST taught 1st grade?! So dumb that I STILL think of certain people as only their jobs.

    1. This is just you I think. If you can only see the person for what they are in relation to you and esp knowing the person for 20 years cant imagine their other life outside of your context, it’s time to grow up a little.

      I am not saying imagine the inner lives of your Target cashier, but try to see the whole person instead of just a service to you.

      1. Maybe. Or maybe someone who needs to start going to a cardiologist is scared and nervous chit chat about school/work is about all she can manage? Cut OP some slack.

    2. I’ve done this – often with people I work with and know well. It’s not like I’m shocked to see that they have a family or take vacations because you chat with coworkers about this stuff. But I’ve been shocked to see their family life. Ex – a partner I really like, very hard working, teaches/mentors her associates, never in a rush to dump work on associates and leave, detail oriented etc. I knew she had 2 kids and a SAH husband, so I assumed that her husband took care of most house/kid things. Got invited to her home and omg – there she was cooking for us, showing us pics of her child’s birthday party that she planned that had every detail down to perfection etc. I walked away a bit shocked (in a good way) – I had really just seen her as a lawyer and assumed 95% of her energy went to work but no — she’s the exact same way re her home and kids. So I get where you’re coming from — sometimes when people work super hard you can’t imagine them having time and energy for anything else.

    3. This could probably apply to OP above. If you haven’t shared your personal life, it’s hard to imagine it exists and gives a little bit of cognitive dissonance when people realize it does.

    4. Alternatively, I am sometimes SHOCKED when I see my friends / family members in their work element. A few times in my life it was totally a slap in the face and made me reassess their whole being and even my whole life.

      This includes when I saw my mother at her retirement party at a Big Law firm. I am not in law. She was not a lawyer, but had advanced to Director of multiple departments over her long tenure and I knew she was a stud. When she stood in front of a room full of men in suits and gave a spontaneous speech with the ease and eloquence and impact of someone I had never soon before, I just stood there staring …. And then to hear what her co-workers said about her…. oh, my…

      Now my mom has passed, and I am so sorry I didn’t learn more from her about how to be such an awesome manager and leader.

  24. Fellow romance readers, what should I load on my Kindle for my flight to Europe later this week? I’m genre-agnostic as long as the book is smart. Favorite authors are Courtney Milan, Nalini Singh, Julia Quinn, Julie James, and Shelley Laurenston.

    2. Joanna Bourne’s Spymaster series are some of the best books I’ve ever read, period. The Black Hawk is the best book in the series and can be read as a standalone, but it’ll be more fun to read the other books leading up to it to see all the various characters develop from different perspectives.

      1. +1 on all points. I’m still sad I won’t get to read this book again for the first time.

      2. Thank you for this. I just borrowed the entire series on kindle from my library/Overdrive.

    3. How about the Sarah MacLean series Scandal and Scoundrel? I love Courtney Milan and I just finished this … and I loved it too.

      1. Oooo….the Lucy Parker books (there’s only 2 or 3 out) are really good too. Oh, any Sherry Thomas – I didn’t find the Sherlock Holmes one terribly memorable, but Delicious is awesome. +1 to anything by Tessa Dare.

        Actually there’s a LOT of +1 on this list…

  25. Does anyone have ideas for where to look for a nice wool coat, preferably at a clearance price? Or am I too late in the season? I’ve come to the conclusion that my trusty J Crew coat whose lining is in terrible shape is probably not worth repairing. If anyone has any desire to do some vicarious online shopping, I’m looking for a warm, professional-looking wool coat, size 4 (long). Probably camel, black, or navy.

    1. Usually I look right after xmas and in January, after scoping the coats for awhile. You may have slim pickings now in your size range.

      What is your price point?

      How long is long? To the knee, or longer?

      1. That was what I thought…. Price point is around $300-400. Probably about to the knee.

        1. So slightly higher end, on sale now for $300-400. Got it.

          Do you prefer a button up, or a wrap?

    2. I too have a jcrew coat with a torn up lining that I’ve loved for a decade and the coat I finally got to replace it was from Reiss. On sale (ie now) it’s just a tad higher than your price point. High quality, clean lines. The Navy Lacey Longline Belted Coat is available in your size. So are the Lanston and Hallie.

      1. Ooh, thanks, these look nice. Are they nice and warm? I liked the fact that my J Crew coat had Thinsulate. Does the sizing feel equivalent to a J Crew or similar brand’s sizing?

    4. I’d go back to J Crew! I love love love my Lady Day coat I got after winter sale years ago. Next coat I purchase will probably be the same in a different color.

      1. That was my original plan, but they don’t seem to have any left this late in the season. Also, the tailor I took the coat to says she sees a lot of J Crew coats with ripping lining, so I’m a little wary of going back.

        1. yep, two of my j.crew lady day coats have ripped in the body and/or arms within a few years. Not buying another one.

        2. Lady days of recent years seem to be of lower quality than the older ones. As with everything.

          1. Sigh, this is the downfall of Jenna’s J Crew. I’ll forever be loyal to the aesthetic but they need to get the quality under control. (Hoping popularity of new Going Out Blazer is a good sign – it’s backordered until July.)

    5. Have you looked at Boden? I got a great coat on clearance there 2 years ago, not sure about the timing.

    6. Have you looked at Boden? I got a great coat on clearance there 2 years ago, not sure about the timing.

  26. Moving help! Getting stuck in a short timeline with movers getting me down to my new place in DC against my start date at my new job. Thinking about renting a Uhaul instead and hiring people to do the actual moving – is there a company in DC metro that does this that anyone can recommend?

    2. Most moving companies will unload stuff for you if you have stuff in your own truck. Basically you’re paying for the labor, but not the use of their truck.

    3. I highly recommend Get Up and Go movers in the DMV area, if you just need labor to unpack a truck. They were gentle and efficient and on time and all the good stuff when I used them to move into a highrise in FH in 2014 and out again in 2017. Logistical note: the company is run by a group of hearing impaired guys, which is just important to know going in (ie, they have a hearing/typically speaking dispatcher, but do most of the business via text and email; communicating with them day of was simple–just had a notes app open in my phone). Upside? A quiet move is a peaceful, calm move.

      Can book them thru Uhaul’s Moving Help portal.

    5. I did this recently, and our UHaul broke down twice and left us stranded for several hours – fun! The worst was when it literally broke down on the interstate – we made it to the shoulder but not the exit and were stuck there for several hours. It was horrible. We never got any compensation, not even our money back or a discount.

      I learned after the fact that UHaul trucks are known for being old and high mileage compared to other brands (Penske, for example, apparently has newer trucks and sells them when their mileage gets too high.) I found a lot online about this, but all of it too late for me. Definitely do some googling before you pick your trucking company.

    6. In mod, but spend a little bit of time reading about your trucking company online ahead of time.

      Signed, someone who recently spent hours stuck by the side of the road thanks to our moving truck (of the brand you mentioned) breaking down multiple times on the interstate.

      1. There is an LA Times article about this, albeit from 2007. Search for (trucking company you mentioned) aging fleet.

    1. Trader Joe’s has great frozen gnocchi. For fresh, I like the sweet potato kind from Whole Foods (it’s a little healthier too, which is an added bonus).

  28. Spa recs for Miami? My husband will be there for work and I would like to take a “me” day while he’s busy. Preferably in the South Beach area.

    1. I’ve been to the Exhale there on South Beach. They also have a gym and do yoga classes so you could do a whole fitness and spa day.

      1. I thought Exhale was fine. My facial was good and my friends liked their massages. I wasn’t very impressed with the zen room and whirlpool/steam bath. The hotel pool is fantastic and I think you maybe can get access as a spa guest. We didn’t do the exercise classes so I can’t speak to that.

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