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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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The sweater is on sale for $67.12 at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
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Hunting for more sweater tees? Our latest favorites are below!
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Anon with so many Legos
Low stakes question, happy Thursday!
For those with slightly older kids (elementary to middle school), how do you deal with Legos? We have huge communal tubs, inherited from my childhood, but my kids also get sets that they like to build and play with separately, and they always have their own “special creations” of the week/month that can’t go back in the bins!
What’s the storage solution here? Anyone with experience have great ideas?? thanks!
Cb
We have tubs and have given up on any sort of organisation. New sets go on a play table in his room and on top of the BESTA we use as a toy cupboard.
Anon
As a kid, I had a dedicated card table in the basement for my Lego universe. For my own child, we had one of those toddler’s wooden train table sets that became the dedicated Lego table long after they outgrew the train set itself.
anon
We have a table in our play room for Lego creations. It kinda makes me nuts but it’s out of the way, at least.
One of my kids got super into the Architecture sets, and we have a special display shelf in his bedroom for those.
Anonymous
Shelves for the can’t-take-apart-yet builds and bins for loose pieces. At one point there were bins for each ‘universe’ (city, etc…). We just accepted that lego took up a lot of room.
Josie P
+1. We have actually repurposed the former formal dining room as the “Lego room” and it has a couple of Staples conference tables in there with big bins underneath.
Piggy Back
When do you “take down” built sets? That’s our biggest issue. DD is very against relegating her creations to the bins and we are not displaying them. My dining room table is currently 2/3 loose legos and various structures that are all a hangover from Christmas. SOS.
Anon
Can she display them in her room?
Anonymous
Give her a dedicated display shelf. She can keep and display anything she likes, as long as it fits. If it doesn’t, she’ll have to choose one she likes less to go back in the bins.
Anonymous
My nephew has tubs of loose parts for freebuilding, and his sets, when disassembled go into ziplocks in a separate bin along with the instructions.
Anonymous
we kept the blocks in tubs… and their creations were displayed on their dressers and shelves. for in-process projects i got a great tray at Target that had a lid around the outside so you could pick up the whole thing and move it from place to place; we’ve also used that tray for puzzles in progress.
A
We have tubs. Now the kids have grown out of Lego but I have kept their most intricate and complicated creations and donated the rest.
End Credit Checks Now
Following up on yesterday’s post about credit checks…longtime employment lawyer here. There are literally no studies showing a correlation between bankruptcy/poor credit and a propensity to steal on the job, which is why the use of credit checks has been banned in so many jurisdictions. The number one reason for bankruptcy in this country is medical debt when the person or a family member has a medical emergency, and our wonderful health care/insurance system leaves them with huge debts. That, plus the historic bias against women and POC when it comes to access to credit means these checks are unnecessary, and in my opinion discriminatory on the basis of disability, gender and/or race, for the vast majority of jobs, even those with a fiduciary duty. For the record, I have always represented employers, not the employee, and if I think these are bad, you know they must be evil. Rant over.
Anonymous
If it matters: I was denied a lease once because of one late payment in my massive student loans (maybe co-insisting with a life where I often moved at least twice a year). In NYC, where rentals seem to let landlords be choosy and a sketchy tenant or airbnb holdover can tie up an apartment for years. But still.
Anon
Thank you. I am the one who went on the side rant yesterday.
A lot of my issue is how different laws and systems interact. Women and POC are discriminated against in jobs (not alway, not all, not by everybody, but at a higher rate than white men). Unexpectedly losing your job is a great way to wreck your credit. Likewise, I think women are pushed into “helping professions” at a higher rate, and that isn’t great for amassing wealth (and again, being able to deal with emergencies, or having gold-plated health coverage that leaves you with minimal copays).
So when we check credit, are we checking responsibility, or are we checking to see if you haven’t been discriminated against?
I definitely have some conservative leanings, one of which is I think people should work if physically and mentally able to. Erecting barriers to work is counterproductive to that goal. I sometimes wonder how much welfare we pay because people who are willing and able to work are unable to find work, due to things like discrimination or credit checks.
Likewise, if people have a lot of big bills that need to be paid off… don’t we want them to get a job? And isn’t it better for both debtor and creditors if that job is a corporate job with benefits and promotion potential, rather than loading freight cars for $10/hour off the books?
Anon
+1 to your last paragraph. It’s better for the creditor and the debtor, but skyrocketing inequality between CEO and workers indicates employers care most about corporate compensation.
It’s curious you think wanting capable people to work is a conservative viewpoint. I’m liberal, and I’ve seen many studies about the cost of childcare preventing women (as primary caregivers) from working…I wholeheartedly support free/subsidized childcare and pre-K for income-eligible families. But I always feel that’s a liberal talking point, and the conservative view is “don’t have kids you can’t afford”. But if you can’t afford to pay for childcare, then you can’t work, and you need public assistance, and around and around we go. The best way to economic self-sufficiency is affordable childcare so the parents can work at a living wage job and support the family.
Cornellian
This will out me, but I worked for Professor Angela Littwin on this stuff as a research and writing assistant. I’d recommend anyone check out her work on this, and also the relationship between domestic vi-lence and consumer credit.
Jules
Hi, Cornellian, nice to see you back!
Anon
This is interesting to me — I remember initially thinking that payday lending was evil and then read a really interesting article by people who expected to find that but found instead that it was providing helpful high-touch services to people with no other options because they were shut out of more mainstream options (and still needed to fix their cars to go to work, etc.). IDK if microlending fills this void a bit, but not everyone is going to be in a >700 FICO world and yet people can’t always fund their needs with cash or borrowing from relatives.
Anon
It can be both. Payday lending fills a vital need for those without access to banks and credit. It’s still evil to charge such a high interest rate.
I once had a pro bono client pay 10% to cash a settlement check because there were no banks in his neighborhood. It may have served a needed service, but charging 10% to cash a five figure check is still evil.
Anon
+1
Senior Attorney
Amen!! Sing it!
Anon
Great rant!
jm
Any Outlander fans? I am catching up and am midway through season 4.
I read the first few books in the 90s when I was in my 20s and dreamed of finding my own Jamie. I have loved passionately in my life too, but I’m not sure I would have chosen to go back to the 1700s. There are so many travails and catastrophes and near-death experiences. More and more as I go through the series, I wonder what the upside of it was for her after what she saw and how she lived the first time. It couldn’t have been enough just to be with him.
I don’t know, I woke up a lot last night after a particularly distressing episode and thought I would throw it out there.
Anonymous
I draw a pretty firm line on not taking in trauma and distress from fictional characters (I get plenty of it from real life), so I stopped reading/watching in the first book.
anon
Same. Which frankly has ruled out many of the more popular TV series from the past 5 years or so. I can’t do it. I have such limited time to watch TV, and if it’s screwing up my sleep because the plot line is disturbing to me, it is really not worth it.
Anonymous
This is why I love Ru Paul’s Drag Race! Engaging and interesting but I don’t lose sleep over a Queen going home.
anon
I watched only the first two or three seasons a few years ago, but 1940-60s medical knowledge in the 1700s is a gamechanger, which I think is appealing to a dedicated nurse. I can’t remember if it’s supported by the text that Claire is influenced by that though.
Anon
I’m a massive fan of the books, I don’t like the show.
I wouldn’t choose to live in the 18th century personally for many reasons! But as we see in the second book, once Claire’s husband is dead and her daughter is grown, she has little reason to stay in her time and goes back to Jamie. So their love was reason enough for her. She finds purpose in being a doctor and helping her community as well. I could get way more into it and the philosophical questions behind time travel but ultimately, yeah, Jamie is the upside for her. They are everything to each other.
anon4
Likewise loved (for the most part) the books, lukewarm on the show. Loved certain seasons, but much like the books slow down quite a bit (especially the most recent one – like a warm hug but lacking much of the excitement of earlier ones), the show slowed so much I no longer found myself wanting to watch after season 3 or 4. I pushed through and ended up turning it on in the background while cleaning the house, something I usually reserve for rewatches or low stakes romcoms. I will say the latest season felt better, frankly just less boring, which I attribute to their condensing of the books. I think there’s just one more season after this, even though the books are not yet finished – will be interesting to see how that shakes out.
Anon
I haven’t watched the show, just read the books but I always thought of it as literary soap opera. There are SO many ridiculous situations, I lost count of how many shipwrecks/stabbings/beatings/sexual assaults and other general near death experiences there were. I’m shocked they haven’t introduced an evil doppelganger of Claire to stir things up (maybe they have in the newer books?).
SC
I feel like the scottish redhead, whose name is escaping me, fits this plot point. They didn’t look alike, but they both time traveled, and found themselves in quite a bit of similar trouble.
Anonymous
Historical fiction/romance has always romanticized the past. In reality she would have died of some disease or infection within the first few weeks of arrival. No real-life woman woman would choose to live in the 18th century.
Anon
I guess it romanticizes the past? I think sometimes this genre normalizes assault in ahistorical ways; I’m not sure if that is a fantasy or what.
Anonymous
I think there was just always a loss for her and, having lived through WWII, she understood none of us are guaranteed a long or stress free or safe life and she felt like the chance of her one true love was worth the risk.
Anon
I’m a book reader (and watched the show), but it’s always been clear to me that Clair was very carefully written so that the appeal of the 1700s would be different than it would for the average woman in 2024. She was born 100 years ago and was a nurse in WW2, so war wasn’t new to her. Her parents died when she was young and she grew up doing fieldwork with an archeologist uncle, so she was used to going without the comforts of modern living and studying different types of societies. And she had a real calling as a doctor/healer, which allowed her to help people in the 1700s in a way that nobody else could, which I think she found very appealing. Add in Jamie and all the people she grew to love and it doesn’t seem that hard of a sell.
Anonymous
The female protagonists in novels like this are always very carefully written. My grandmother was born 100 years ago and quite often spoke of the hardships she faced growing up during the depression. She watched her one brother die of a disease we can cure now, and we can likely cure what killed her infant sister as well (a generic cause was written on the death certificate). I remember her telling me how thankful I should be to be born when I was, so I don’t think real-life women in the 1940s would be making the choice to travel back either.
Anon
I definitely agree, that’s why I think she was written to have such a strange childhood, combat experience, the medicine thing, etc. I don’t think we’re supposed to think that most people would want to do this, no matter how much they loved someone. She’s clearly weird and it causes her a lot of problems. I appreciate that compared to a lot of other books I’ve read recently that make the female characters act like modern women, as if the only thing that was holding women back in the past was that they just weren’t brave or creative enough.
Anonymous
I thought the TV show did a good job of portraying that Claire felt just as discriminated against in the 1950s/60s as she did in the 18th century, the discrimination just looks different. If anything I think she felt more free to be herself and more respected as a healer in the 1700s than she did in her own time, notwithstanding the whole witch trial incident.
Anon
Love the books, no interest in watching the show. It’s a fun, romanticized vision of history. I don’t take it personally.
Anonymous
I am a book reader–although I really did not like the last one–but I gave up on the show. It kind of fell apart for me after the wedding in season 1 and never really recovered, and Diana Gabaldon’s penchant for rape as plot device is even more disturbing on screen than on the page. I think I made it through the 3rd season, barely, but not beyond that.
Anonymous
No average woman would go back. The author built in a number of factors to make it more believable:
– limited family – dead parents, dead uncle/guardian, dead husband, only one adult child (eg no other children begging her to stay)
– WW2 combat nurse so familiar with violence
– interest in medicinal/herbal cures
– goes back to a relatively well off family (not exactly set in a peasant hovel).
I stopped reading when they went to the US because I didn’t like the glossing over of slavery and genocide of Indigenous people.
Anonymous
The premise of the series bothers me because Claire’s entire emotional wellbeing revolves around a man. She goes back to her own time and has a career, but she’s cold and distant to her devoted husband and even her daughter. For twenty years! She’s supposed to be this spunky independent woman but she’s completely emotionally stunted. I don’t like that it glorifies a woman who is essentially a widow hanging onto a man who is long gone and shutting herself off from any other love for the rest of her life. And when by chance she finds a way to be with him, she drops everything she’s worked so hard to build, including her own daughter, to be at the beck and call of some man.
Anonymous
This is why I could never really get into the series. The woman is always written in such a way as to make the time travel more acceptable to the reader and she always comes across as the ideal submissive wife that the time period she travels to expects of her and completely disregards everything her modern-day (whatever that is in the novel) life affords her.
Mpls
I’m laughing at the idea of Claire as the “ideal submissive wife” of that time period. At least in the early books (I stopped reading after book 5), she’s always getting into trouble because she’s culturally out of step with the time. And rebelling against the societal structures in mostly unhelpful ways.
Anon
That is not Claire at all!
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think the books or show are perfect (and I’ve fallen off the show so I’m not up to date) but the foundation of the romance part of the book is the totally unrealistic tale of a 1700s highlander who is irrevocably in love with a woman who refuses, even when it is deeply dangerous and stupid for both of them, to conform to submissive expectations of the time. She’s like, constantly being arrested and accused of being a witch and bringing danger to them because won’t be quiet and submissive to any man and he’s just like “I love my modern wife, would kill any man for her and only willingly gardened with one woman in 20 years of her absence because she owns my soul!”
Anon
Well yeah. That’s why we love Jamie!
Anonymous
I looove that you’re talking about Outlander. There is something about the story that has, over the years, lead me to think long and hard about family, generations, history, the impermanence of our lives, etc. etc. etc. The love story is nice too, but what often brings me back are those larger thoughts, and a sense that every life and every person has love, pain, drama, etc. that is ultimately lost to history, memorialized by a name in a record book or ship passage log. At the beginning of one of the books, the author wrote this intro where she talked about storytelling and how pain and difficult decisions leads to better stories. She was talking about it in context of explaining why she made Claire wait 20 years to get back to Jamie instead of writing the story to let her go back sooner. So this is an aside to your question, but I really do think this is one of the liberties the author had to take with the story to make it a good one. And she did set the character up where it’s plausible based on her background.
Anonymous
I love the show but I haven’t read the books. I just enjoy the characters.
Anon
Looking to get a family member in Atlanta a restaurant gift certificate to celebrate some big job success. Any recommendations? My budget is $100. She and her spouse don’t drink, so alcohol doesn’t need to be factored into that price. I think French/Italian/New American would be the safest bet in terms of cuisine. I know she doesn’t like southern/soul food.
I tried to just get an OpenTable gift certificate so she’d have choice about where she goes but it seems like they no longer sell them. If anyone has a suggestion for something similar, I’m open. But I don’t want to just get a Visa gift card which feels too generic.
anon
Do you happen to know where in Atlanta she lives? That would impact my recommendations, because with our terrible traffic, I prefer recommending something close-ish to home. Especially if she’s in a suburb, not Atlanta proper. That said, some recommendations (I’m also erring on the side of “safer” choices that would appeal to a wide range of people, so not super scene-y places):
– If Buckhead is convenient to her, Blue Ridge Grill (American) or Aria (Italian).
– If she’s on the east side, Kimball House (American) in Decatur.
– If she’s north of the city, The Select (French/American) in Sandy Springs.
Anonymous
I second the request for her neighborhood (or suburb if she’s OTP). But pending that, I would suggest as safer bets, getting a dining group card for either Buckhead Life or Fifth Group. Personally I’d prefer the latter.
ATL Influences Everything
I would do a restaurant group. I’m partial to Castellucci Hospitality Group (https://www.chgrestaurants.com/gift-cards), but you could also do Fifth Group (https://giftcards.fifthgroup.com/) or Buckhead Life (https://secure.buckheadrestaurants.com/).
anon
I was just reading through the James Beard nominees this morning and there are a few chefs and/or restaurants in town on the list.
OP
Thanks all! She lives near (west of) Emory. I like the restaurant group idea. Any suggestions on which group would best given her location?
anon
Castelluci would be my pick in that area, as she’s central to most of their restaurants. She lives in a really great area for dining, FWIW!
Anonymous
I would take a look at the restaurants and see what (in Atlanta proper) would most appeal/give the most variety between Castellucci and Fifth Group. I’m partial to Fifth and the other poster likes the other. There are convenient spots in either for the recipient.
Anon
If she lives near Emory, I would go with Castellucci.
Anonymous
NYC hotel ask of the day: what is a good Greenwich Village / SoHo hotel? Doesn’t have to be super-fancy but just a good walkable-to-restaurants sort of place. Not looking for a party atmosphere; would like to be able to get adjoining rooms or a suite for a travel party of 4 but that’s not required. Will be for April.
Anon
Piggybacking – any recs for a Chelsea hotel? Also doesn’t need to be cool, just clean and functional and walkable.
Anonymous
Stayed at the Gansevoort Hotel in Meatpacking, just adjacent and less than ten minute walk to my daughter’s Chelsea apartment. Great location, great staff. Cons: quite pricey (it was Marathon weekend) and no real lobby – room was decent size but occasionally I’d like to get away from DH and just go read a book in the lobby and that was not really possible here. Pretty quiet, too.
Anon
Different location — has anyone stayed at the New York Athletic Club? It looks amazing, but I’m not sure how practical it will be for a non-work trip.
Anon
Yes, I have. I was a member and played a sport for them for many years.
Their rooms are not super-fancy, but they are in an absolutely stellar location, on the South end of Central Park. Recommend highly.
Sallyanne
Yes, our local club has reciprocity with them. Fantastic location, large rooms (unless remodeled in last 7 years not fancy but very serviceable). If I remember correctly there’s some rules around entrances and attire (possibly children as well).
H13
I stayed at Sixty Soho in the fall and it was nice.
Second Wedding
I got divorced in my early thirties following an affair by my now ex husband. Now in my late thirties, and I’ve met a guy who is fantastic and we’re looking at marriage soon.
I’m not excited about a wedding – I had a big fancy one last time, which was perfect and everything I wanted. I don’t regret it. It remains one of the best days of my life. But looking at a second wedding, I almost feel like “been there, done that.” My current boyfriend is very understanding that I want something small for ours, but it’s been hard for me to get excited about the wedding part itself (even if we did something small and less traditional – it’s his first wedding, so he wants at least some traditional aspects and I don’t want to deprive him of that).
Not sure what advice I’m asking for, but has anyone felt similarly? None of my friends are divorced, and I can only talk about it with my boyfriend so much, as I want him to have what he wants too.
To be clear, I’m not questioning anything re our current relationship or our future marriage- it’s more the wedding itself that’s giving me some hang ups.
Flats Only
Assuming your partner isn’t so excited that he actually wants to do the planning (or has any idea what that entails for even a smaller occasion with “traditional aspects”) can you hire a planner to help the two of you come up with a vision and then handle the boring nuts and bolts part of it? That might free you up to get excited about your dress, or the chance to see family and friends, or work on the honeymoon – whichever aspect brings you the most joy and fun sense of anticipation. Your partner can work with the planner on the “traditional aspects” that they are looking forward to so the “work” part of it doesn’t become a second job for you.
Anon
Can you just be okay with not being super into it? Assuming what he is proposing isn’t somehow triggering or upsetting for you, it’s fine to approach it as an event and if you aren’t overpowered with wedding feelings that’s fine – there are so many expectations around weddings but in general they don’t serve us
Anon
I remarried a few years ago, a decade after a rough divorce. I understand this completely. For me, I still had lingering sadness for long-ago me, who didn’t know in her first wedding day how badly it would end. I had to grieve for her just a little bit, and then I was able to let myself be excited about my (very small, but lovely) second wedding.
Anon
It’s the year 2024. Men can plan weddings, too. Let him do most of the planning – he’s excited, you’re not.
Anon
This. He wants this type of wedding; he plans it. It’s much easier to,get excited when you’re not the one spending the time planning.
Anon
I think this is totally normal. I had a big first wedding filled with all our friends from college (and even high school). It’s what I wanted then and it was a great party. For my second wedding, I had different priorities. We had a small, family only ceremony and lunch. We considered doing a big party, but it kind of fell by the wayside with life. Now, we talk about maybe doing a big 5th anniversary party. We’ll see. I loved my second wedding, but I didn’t spend a lot of time planning it or obsessing about details. I think it’s okay to not be “super excited” for the big day. Even if you do some of the traditional things, it doesn’t have to be this big event. If your fiancee is on-board with something super simple, that made it so much more pleasurable for me. I didn’t have to hire a florist or taste wedding cakes, etc. If you don’t have to devote so much energy and money to the day, there is a lot less pressure to feel a certain way.
Anon
Second marriage here. We got married on a Thursday afternoon (in part because the chapel where my husband’s parents and grandparents got married was $2,500 an hour on Saturday compared to $500 for the afternoon on a weekday). Guests were parents, siblings, and grandparents only. Dinner in a private room at a nice restaurant after. I had a beautiful dress, gorgeous flowers, and a great photographer because those were what mattered to me. It was a joy to plan – took me all of a week 👍🏼
anon
This sounds really nice.
anonymous
There’s a great sex and the city episode where charlotte is struggling with her second wedding to harry and the been there done that. I say lean into your happiness and do what feels right to you as a couple. I eloped, which I highly recommend, but it’s not for everyone.
BeenThatGuy
+1 “lean into your happiness and do what feels right to you as a couple”. I remarried last summer, 15 years after a horrific heartbreak. We got married in our backyard with 5 attendees, an officiant and a photographer. It was my husband’s first wedding and we were both over the moon with our choice and have no regrets. I know a lot of loved ones would have loved to be there to celebrate us, but everyone supported our choice.
Anonymous
A friend in this situation handed over wedding planning to her now-husband. It was sort of an infuriating experience because the vendors kept contacting only her, but her husband was great about taking care of the details. I think she ended up handling flowers and color schemes but otherwise she just had to show up in a dress of her choosing.
Senior Attorney
This is the way.
Anon 2.0
I did something similar and would do it again. We had a destination wedding with no guests but my husband handled the location, the hotel, the officiant, photos, and transportation. I just picked a dress and showed up.
anon
I did something similar but we outsourced everything for our small (30 person) wedding to a wedding planner for a destination wedding. If it is in your budget, I highly recommend. I was also very uninterested in the details of the wedding, other than how much I had to “donate” to the church to be married there, my dress, and the photographer.
Anon
Currently planning my second wedding and I feel the same. I had a big fancy affair the first time – it was a wonderful party, just not a good marriage. I remember wedding planning being super stressful. So this time we’re keeping it simple: about 40 people (close friends and immediate family), daytime ceremony in the garden of a hotel we like, lunchtime reception. I’m probably going to wear something off the rack because I hate wedding dress shopping. I’m actually very excited at the thought of something simpler and more intimate.
Anon
Went through this a couple of years ago. I initially felt like you and didn’t want a wedding at all, just got to city hall and dinner, but husband didn’t wanted his close-but-not-tiny family there. We ended up with about 60 people at a restaurant, outdoors, and had the ceremony under a floral arch in their garden. It was beautiful and fun and I don’t regret the time, effort, and money that went into it. My advice would be to forget the ballroom with matching chairs, stop thinking about your first wedding as much as possible, and think of the kind of wedding that would be meaningful for you both as a couple. Ours was “cozy dinner party with lots of kids playing nearby,” because that’s who we are. I consulted as few “wedding planning inspo” resources as possible.
Anon
It depends on whether your boyfriend had a wedding before and whether he wants one now …but if you don’t, yes, there are options.
I divorced and got remarried in my 30s to a man who was also divorced. Neither of us wanted a big wedding, so after a weekend in Las Vegas, we decided to go back to Las Vegas to get married. In fact we got married at the Graceland Chapel, and Elvis walked me down the aisle. It was great – we had about 30 friends and family fly or drive to Las Vegas and join us for drinks the night before the wedding, the wedding itself, and then a nice dinner, which we paid for. The dinner was the most expensive part of our wedding, but we’re still talking four figures all in .
I know people don’t think these kinds of weddings lead to lasting marriages, but we just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary, and have two kids who are young adults (technically) – one finishing undergrad, and one in grad school.
Senior Attorney
When I married my (ahem) third husband, I assumed we would just get married at the courthouse and go out to lunch. Well. He had other ideas and we ended up having a riduculously over-the-top wedding and it was awesome. We hired a wedding planner and also I told him he was in charge of the parts that he particularly cared about, and he stepped up and made it happen. So. If I were in your shoes I would absolutely not take on the job of putting on a wedding I didn’t particularly want, but I also wouldn’t stand in the way of my fiance putting on the wedding he wants.
Second Wedding
OP here – Thank you all!! Just reading how others in the same boat have felt the same way makes me feel better about it.
My boyfriend is great at planning, so I’ll leave it to him to do what he wants.
Anon
Is this your boyfriend’s first marriage? I do think there’s a balance between letting him plan it like he’s perfectly capable of doing and showing no enthusiasm whatsoever, especially if he actually is excited. I would just be attentive to that.
Anonymous
If only we knew if it is his first marriage from the post.
Anon
If only we weren’t such a witch.
Seventh Sister
I’m just not a wedding person. While it was really important to my husband that we have a Big Traditional Wedding, I would have been happy eloping and only really got into the planning so I wouldn’t have to do stuff I absolutely hated (like feeding one another cake or having a bouquet toss). I feel like there is all this pressure for women to be interested in which flowers and what cake and who sits where and I just didn’t care about half of these things.
Ginger
I’ve only been married once, but I wanted a small intimate affair and DH wanted a big party. I’m more laid back and he’s very outgoing. I gave into DH because I didn’t want him to have any regrets about the day. DH and his sister handled almost all the arrangements, looking at venues, finding a caterer, music, etc. I was less involved (and doing a log of work related travel at the time). It all worked out fine, and I had a great time at my wedding!
Anon
Help! I’m overthinking a dinner I’m making on Saturday and need suggestions.
Context: early stages of dating someone, on Saturday we’re going snowshoeing in the afternoon and then coming back to my place for dinner. What should I make? No dietary restrictions and I’m a reasonably good cook with most of the toys (sous vide, slow cooker, bbq, etc). I’d like it to be something I can mostly prepare in advance that morning and then put the finishing touches when we get back from snowshoeing in around 30 minutes. I was thinking a frozen lasagna, but I think it would take too long.
(Ordering takeout is not an option; I live in the middle of nowhere.)
Anon
That sounds like a lovely date! I’d make a really yummy bolognese sauce that morning or day before. Can just make the pasta and a salad and heat up sauce when you get back.
anecdata
Second Bolognese – the serious eats version is really really good (stir in the cream at the last minute). Plus fresh pasta always feels “fancy” to me
Anon
I would do something like this as well. I love something simple and cozy after skiing or being in the snow – chili, pasta, lasagna, lentil soup, things in that vein.
Anonymous
I’d make baked ziti the night before and pop it in the oven to reheat with a fresh blanket of shredded mozzarella
Anon
Make braised oxtails a day or two before (or even the weekend before and freeze).
https://www.seriouseats.com/braised-oxtail-gruyere-sandwich-recipe
When you get back, throw some broccoli/olive oil/salt/pepper on a sheet pan and into the oven, cook spaezle (can also be done ahead of time and reheated) and reheat the oxtails.
You could also serve with crusty bread instead of spaezle.
If you drink, serve with a good pinot noir.
Anonymous
Or polenta!
Anon
Can you make a lasagna and then just throw it in the oven when you get back? This would definitely work for a veggie lasagna, which would cook in 30 minutes or a bit more, but not sure if a meat one would be different for some reason. While it’s cooking, you can make a salad and some appetizers.
anon
Chili. If you have a slow cooker, you can keep it warm during the day. Or just cook and re-heat when you’re back
anon
+1
I would have a rustic chili/stew/one pot meal that is already essentially done.
You can make ahead and just reheat.
Have some amazing bread, good butter already at room temperature ready to spread.
A nice wine (Trader Joe’s!).
Salad or simple veg on the side if you want.
I’d probably have some sort of simple, chocolate based desert.
Maybe it is only Ghiradelli sea salt caramel chocolate squares.
Or brownies (already made – nuke for a few seconds) with a dollop of ice cream.
Or take a couple scoops of chocolate cookie dough (kept frozen) and make 2-4 fresh chocolate chip cookies right there, with a dollop of ice cream.
Simple but flavorful.
And comforting after an active cold day.
Deep South
Beef Bourguignon. Make it Friday if you work from home and just pop it in the oven to heat up while you make mashed potatoes after snowshoeing. It seems so fancy and its so cozy — perfect for after a cold outdoor activity!
Anon
Sort of the opposite, but what about risotto? Precook or chop your vegetables (mushrooms, shallots, spinach, whatever) that morning. When you get back after snowshoeing you just have to add wine or broth to the pot and stir. It’s surprisingly leisurely if you chat and sip a drink while stirring. Throw some chicken thighs in the oven while the risotto is cooking.
Anonymous
Why frozen? Make the lasagna the day before and keep it in the fridge until you get back and then go right from fridge into a cold oven so the pan can warm up while the oven preheats. Then all you have to do is prepare whatever you want with it.
Anon
This recipe is so incredibly easy, but it’s delcious: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1020330-shrimp-scampi-with-orzo.
Anonymous
Recipe Tin Eats beef ragu done in the slow cooker.
Senior Attorney
Here’s a great slow cooker recipe: https://playswellwithbutter.com/pork-ragu-recipe/
anon
Raclette? All you’d have to do is boil the potatoes and everything else can be prepped ahead. I suppose the potatoes too but I have an aversion to microwaves and potatoes.
Annony
Make this braised beef ahead of time – it gets better overnight. Make the polenta ahead as well.
https://www.thekitchn.com/dinner-party-recipe-braised-beef-in-tomatoes-red-wine-recipes-from-the-kitchn-186550
Pop the polenta in a slow cooker to warm/stay soft, warm the beef on the stove, make a salad at the last minute or some sautéed Swiss chard. Done!
AnonInEpi
I am expecting job news this week or next. Actually, I am expecting two possible pieces of news: a transfer of funds to my current team (which would allow me to expand the team, taking on two new members to start a specific two-year project) or a promotion outside of my beloved team. If either work out, I should know this month. The wait is driving me crazy. I’ll take any good vibes you can send my way.
Anon
Fingers crossed for you! I hope you get good news soon.
Senior Attorney
VIBES!!!
Anon
Good luck! I’m hoping for the best for you!
Sara
I’m joining a 10-week 5K training program through my local shoe store (fleet feet, in the Midwest, if it matters). The brochure attests it’s for all levels and my group will start with walking. I used to run, like, 10 years ago. I haven’t worked out in 2-3 years. It will be twice a week, outdoors (in the cold!) one weeknight after work and one weekend morning. Looking for tips- stretching, what to wear, etc. For context, I am confident I can walk 3 miles but I’d probably be a little sore the next day.
Anon
Static stretching happens after the workout. To warm up you’ll want to do more dynamic activation type movements.
anon
+1
My physical therapist just taught me this. Had no idea…
anon
Your running group will probably teach you the stretches. Don’t overthink it; just dress for the weather. This is my bible for winter running:
https://tinamuir.com/winter-running-what-to-wear-at-every-temperature/
Anon
Walk on your off days. It’ll help you build a habit of moving more and also get you accustomed to moving outdoors in your climate. Yaktrax are helpful when the ground is icy. Getting in a mindset of “No bad weather, just poor gear choices” is really helpful for achieving consistency.
For running clothes, you really don’t need much at this point. Maybe a good sports bra if you’re large chested and prone to bouncing. Target punches above its weight for workout clothes and is a great place to start. Layering is usually more comfortable when it’s cold. There will be some trial and error as you figure out what feels great, ok or “NOPE”. That’s normal and just part of learning something new.
Anon
They should walk you through everything, no pun intended. See if you can find someone similarly new to start off with. Walk/run is a very valid way of starting to train, so don’t be ashamed of that.
Ten weeks is a long time! The first few sessions will be the hardest. If you can, hop on an elliptical in an off day.
Betsy
I haven’t run in ages, but when I was doing a C25K program I found it a lot less unpleasant when I started doing some basic strength training on the off days. Nothing crazy, just some squats and lunges really helped make running less painful.
RiskedCredit
I love running and while married wasn’t able to run or do any type of regular exercise for 12 long years. I was a 6min mile runner pre marriage.
Getting back into it, run slow and follow their lead. The most important component for me is music. Get Spotify premium if you don’t already have it and I use my AirPods.
Leggings, I like old navy power sculp ones with pockets both sides. Sports bra, I like the front zip Athleta Ultimate (I’m 30F for reference). T shirts, I like the momentum tshirts at Athleta. I have an addidas thin 3/4 zip long sleeve running top in light blue which is fully reflective without being neon. It’s perfect for running in cold weather as I get really hot. If you don’t get so hot I would get something thicker. Socks, I have not yet found what works for me.
For after a run I love myself an Epsom salt bath and I drink about a 1/2 gallon of water. I find this cures 95% of any muscle aches. Arnica cream cures everything else.
H13
– Wear layers so you can figure out what works for you and adjust as needed. Keep extra things in your car so you can adjust as needed. If you are warm when you start, you are overdressed.
– I really like gloves that have a fold-over flap for extra warmth.
– I prefer an ear warmer to a full hat most of the time.
– Enjoy it! Running has changed my life and helped me feel empowered.
– Hydrate before and after (and during if you want)
– Remember, forward is a pace!
anon
Anyone want to offer some sage advice about helping my kid pick a high school for next year? Our district has open enrollment for HS students and it’s common and even encouraged by the district to pick the school that best meets your kid’s needs. It’s a public district, for context.
School A: This is where his current middle school feeds into. He would be in the second graduating class; it just opened. The principal is known for being an amazing culture builder. Obviously, the facilities are amazing because it’s brand new. There aren’t as many AP options as School B, but IMO, there are enough and he wouldn’t have to give up his differentiated learning track. Kid is a “music kid,” and this school has hired some well regarded instructors to boost that program. The school is designed to stay relatively small. As someone who went to a small school, I see many pros and cons to this. This school is a five-minute drive from our house so very appealing logistically. I also think he’d have a chance to participate in things right away because they need the people to get it started, which is a great leadership opportunity in my mind.
School B: Very well established, amazing academics, excellent extracurriculars. Kid already knows the music director there from previous camps and likes him. The con: the school has the reputation of being a bit of a pressure chamber and my kid already struggles with comparing himself to others. It’s a very large school, which means it has a ton opportunities but he also may need to wait his turn to fully participate in extracurriculars. But man, this school is good at literally everything and the quality of music and extracurriculars is outstanding. It’s kind of the quintessential school spirit place. Probably the biggest issue for us as parents is that the school is 20 minutes from our house. DH recently started a new job on the opposite end of town, so most of the shuttling around would fall to me, and that’s concerning. Maybe we’d be able to luck into a carpool, but I really don’t know.
His friend group is pretty evenly split between A and B. The mean jock boys are going to School B. Kid is very torn, and we have to make a decision soon. Both are great choices but offer very, very different high school experiences. DH and I also feel that as parents, we get to make the final call, with his input. This isn’t college, you know?
Anon
If your kid enjoys and has the aptitude for leadership, I’d def go with A. Getting to help start something is really great experience and fun for kids who have that bent.
5 minutes from home is also incredible for family life.
anon
For those reasons, I think I would be very happy if Kiddo went to that school. He doesn’t have some leadership energy, and I think that could be exciting for him. I just have concerns about a new school missing the vibe that comes with established traditions, etc. But, I could very well be overthinking this.
anon
Has your kid expressed that HE would miss traditions and a school with a long history? I never cared about that sort of thing as a kid.
FWIW I went to a new-ish high school (open five years when I started) and it was a wonderful experience. There was no shortage of school spirit and we still had lots of the usual traditions like spirit week or whatever. Of course, the school wasn’t perfect, but I think its newness was an advantage — the staff didn’t seem totally burnt out yet and there was no “but that’s just how we’ve always done it” to excuse issues.
Anon
My kid went to a specialized middle school for the arts and it was terrible. All of the high-fliers from our county were there, all with very pushy parents, all outraged that their kid wasn’t the star or first chair or whatever. Lots of bullying, including a group text one at my kid. This year, we are at the huge school, where the “mean jocks” go (they go somewhere, no? specialized school had not only no sports, but no activities, so lots of depth but no breadth). It’s huge. Thousands of kids. Guess what? That dilutes any bad-jock energy you seem to be concerned about. The only kids who play sports are very dedicated D1 signing day types, so not messing around with that. Other kids are pursuing their thing — Model UN, debate, cars, art, JROTC. It’s amazing — kids I haven’t seen since 5th grade are all finding their place and their people, and it’s like a college in a good and healthy way. We keep up with the arts school (and if kid can drive, kid can return, but now wants to do a joint enrollment with the community college), and it’s not all unicorns and roses over there.
Anon
i dont think the OP is saying that the first school is a specialized school for the arts? sounds more like it is just a smaller, newer school that might not have the same established traditions as the larger school. OP- does School A have any sports teams, etc? Or other clubs if your kid decides he is no longer interested in music? In regard to AP classes – they are most helpful for two reasons (1) to signify to a potential college that you can perform well in a challenging courses and (2) to get college credit. Reason 2 varies widely by institution and can even vary within the institution if there are different schools. At some institutions the AP credits just put you in a more advanced level of a course, but don’t actually give you credit and this is not always a good thing.
anon
Yes, School A has athletics and extracurriculars beyond music. Music happens to be the thing he’s most passionate about, but I can’t ever see him limiting himself to music alone.
Anon
Example: in my district (possibly state), in public schools, IB and Honors and community college co-enrollment courses get a .5 grade bump and AP classes get a 1.0 bump in GPA. IDK that AP is “harder” than IB or a good community college course (apparently, they are the best teachers of writing b/c they also have a writing center), but that is the deal.
Anon
School A. Your whole list seems like pros, especially for the kid you described. There is a huge amount of potential downside with a pressure cooker school (I am in southern CT, surrounded by them, and know many people who have dropped out for online or private school. We purposely picked a “lesser” district.) Plus, convenience to your house is no small thing.
Anon
This. School A seems like a no brainer. I’m not really seeing the upside with School B.
Anon
Agree – and for college purposes, seems better to be at a smaller school with fewer total people who are likely to apply to the same school and the experience would make for an interesting essay. I went to a small high school (400 people) and there were some challenges, but for better or worse you can’t avoid people. I learned a lot from being stuck with people who maybe weren’t my favorite or who were just really different from me, and there was so much opportunity for leadership and knowing your teachers.
Anonymous Grouch
Why would you even consider school B? School A sounds perfect for your particular child. The quality of music and extracurricular at B may be tempting, but honestly if your child was an actual music prodigy that would already be obvious and you wouldn’t be looking a local high schools at all. No amount of instruction at B is going to send them to Julliard. There’s no need to put your kid through a “pressure cooker” atmosphere in an inconvenient location just so they can try to compete for experiences with a zillion other kids.
anon
Very fair point.
Anon
This exactly.
Anon
The best choice of course totally depends on your son’s personality and goals. If he’s aiming to attend a highly competitive college, and that’s a realistic goal in light of his academic ability and motivation, and his interest in and ability to take on substantial extracurricular commitments, he should probably attend School B because he’d probably get better preparation there. On the other hand, if your son is a more low-key person, and/or he wouldn’t do well in a high-stress environment, he’d probably be happier at School A. One thing to consider – if he attends School B but doesn’t take its most challenging curriculum (all those many AP courses), this may hurt him when he applies to college. Speaking as a parent of two recent high school graduates, I’d hesitate to overrule your son if he has a strong preference (unless you opt for School A because you can’t manage the commute to School B). High school age kids are definitely old enough to make this type of decision, and you will hear about it over and over again if you make the call and he’s not happy.
anon
He’s in 8th grade, and it’s insane to me that he needs to be thinking about his college goals at this point. FWIW, he is a very bright kid but does not have Ivy aspirations, to my knowledge. A competitive college, maybe, but he also may well end up at a well-regarded state school.
Fair point that we have to be careful to not decide for him. I do have concerns about the commute, however.
Anon
In my district, kids routinely re-decide in 10th grade, where they can opt out of IB and into AP or co-enrollment or go to many early college programs (none of which has transportation, so driving or walking is a must). So you can get a second bite at the apple — one neighbor’s kid opted to co-enroll for senior year because IB had gotten to be both a pressure cooker and it also had a lot of busywork. It’s good to have options and weigh them throughout — it is good prep for college as they mature into themselves.
Anon
I mean this nicely, so I hope it comes across that way, but are these pros and cons yours or your son’s? I’d make sure to listen to him and see what he likes or doesn’t about both options.
Kids think differently, so if it’s something like, Billy will go to school B and he’s always my lab partner, that’s one conversation. If it’s, I love music but want to try astronomy and only school B has it, that’s another.
Otherwise, as framed here, school A sounds great for him and you. Also school A may add additional APs during his time there. I’d see what the growth plans are academically.
anon
Both. Obviously, he’s more focused on who is going where. But, we’ve also tried to gently tell him that friendships can shift a lot in these years, so try not to let that be THE deciding factor. TBH, if his entire friend group was leaning one way, I am sure he would be lobbying harder for that. But it truly is split.
anecdata
If 5 minute commute means that it’s also walkable/bikeable for the to do alone, I would consider that a massive positive – the independence to make on the spot plans (go to the sports ball game, hang out an extra half hour after school, join the whatever club) without being dependent on the overall family schedule was really important to me at those ages
JD
I give you permission to decide for him based on the commute. If there are no true downsides to the local school, a commute adds significant impact until he can commute by himself. Life if hard enough.
Anon
School A sounds better to me personally, but I have a kid going to School B and despite my reservations, is really thriving. He is exploring extracurriculars that I never thought he would be interested in, Iike sports. He has found his tribe and has made strong friendships. So School B might be a good option despite the hassle. Has he toured both of them yet? I would say let him decide. He can always switch if the fit isn’t right.
anon
Yes, he’s toured both.
Anon
School A, no question. It’s fun to be in on the ground floor, and the opportunities that provides are epic.
Logistically, he will have more opportunities when he isn’t commuting for 40+ minutes a day and in need of being shuttled back and forth across town. If he wants to walk home after school, get a snack, do some homework, and return for a 6 pm music practice, he can.
SMC - San Diego
In your shoes and assuming the commute is not the deciding factor, I would sit down with your son and work on a pro/con list very similar to the one above but being sure to let him decide whether something is actually a pro or a con. Then tell him there are no wrong choices but he is going to need to decide this one for himself. If he refuses to chose pick the one that is easiest for you and tell him that is why you are doing it – because you would support his decision but if he does not have a preference you will pick the one easiest for you.
The problem with making the decision for him (or even putting your thumb down hard on the scale) is that when something goes wrong – and inevitably at either school something will go wrong – it becomes your fault instead of the results of his decision. That gives him an out to avoid figuring out a way to make it work.
I did not see this play out in high school but I saw it so many times when the time for college decisions came around!
Anon
I would definitely go with A
Anon
I went to a big, established, pressure filled school like School B and I do think you’re missing some pros to it. Like someone else mentioned, in a school that big I (a nerdy, AP, music kid) basically never crossed paths with the so-called popular kids or jocks. They were off doing their thing, and I was in the music corner with my friends with our own dramas in our circle. For things like audition choirs and school musicals/plays, I didn’t immediately get in but it taught me the power of working hard for what I wanted – getting into the highest level choir the first year I was eligible after putting in the work for it was the first time I felt how good it could feel to earn an accomplishment. I didn’t get leadership experience immediately, that’s true, but I learned a lot about watching the older kids lead groups while I was an underclassman.
Are there not busses in your town? Most of my friends who didn’t live walking distance took the bus/carpooled to after school activities with other parents and then carpooled themselves once people started getting driver’s licenses. And my school was a huge pressure cooker (like, they literally wrote the book on it) and I won’t downplay how awful that could be at times. But I was way more prepared for college than almost anyone else I knew at my highly ranked university. I don’t think I felt substantially challenged academically in college until I wrote my thesis, not because I didn’t have difficult classes or good professors but because the bar had been set so high in high school.
Either could be the right choice, but don’t dismiss how easily people can find their place socially in a large school! My friends in college who went to smaller schools sometimes had way crazier stories about their social circles than I did.
Anon
Co-signing. My kid’s high school has about 3600 kids. It is much more like college. Would you pick a 3600 kid college for your kid? If so, a 3600 kid high school will offer so many amazing ways for them to find themselves and so many kids they may connect with. I was a bit apprehensive about it, but my kid (who has some issues) couldn’t be happier and was definitely miserable in her much smaller middle school.
Anonymous
As a student, being able to walk to and from school was probably the most important factor. I could come and go as I pleased after school and on weekends and that was everything to my ability to participate in activities, get help with schoolwork, hang out with friends, etc.
anon
Any tips on getting dry-cleaning smell out of clothing? My blazer is giving me a headache. I hung it outside but maybe not for long enough?
Anon
Dilute vodka in a spray bottle; spray lightly and hang to dry.
Anonymous
Change dry cleaners. Only dirty fluid stinks.
Anon
I know there are some skiing fans around here and I wanted to post that Mikaela Shiffrin (whom everyone has heard of) is on another tear this season after already becoming the greatest of all time last season when she beat Ingemar Stenmark’s record for World Cup wins. You can catch a lot of the race runs on YouTube. I wanted to post about it because it’s so rare for the GOAT to be a woman, especially considering the long history of denying women equal training opportunities and sponsorship and so on. If any of you are looking for good role models for your daughters, Shiffrin is right up there.
Anonymous
I remember playing Ingemar Stenmark downhill skiing in low-tech sports computer games in the early nineties.
Her merit list is amazing! A fabulous role model, and can’t imagine anybody’s going to break her record anytime soon. If it takes as long as to break Ingemar’s, she’ll be an old lady before it happens.
Anon
I love her!
Horse Crazy
YES! I love her so much – it’s truly amazing to watch her ski, and she seems like a great person as well – always happy to meet fans and so sweet to little girls. If you’re a fan and it’s convenient for you, I highly recommend trying to watch a race in-person. The women ski at Killington in Vermont every year, and sometimes they get to Beaver Creek in Colorado or Palisades (formerly Squaw Valley) in Tahoe. My dad and I saw a women’s slalom race at Palisades 5 years ago, and it was so much fun – even better because Mikaela won in a real nail-biter :)
Anon
Thanks for the tip! Wasn’t aware and will watch it with my daughter who needs some sporty role models.
Anon
Oh, man. I went from unexplained bleeding to the pill to a low-dose pill and now HRT throughout my 40s, starting HRT at 53 a few months ago. I gained 5 pounds quickly on the pill and then in September packed on another 10, apparently all in my abdomen (formerly pair shaped), when I started HRT. I don’t know where my metabolism went — I used to be always hungry and now I am always feeling bloated and full, even eating 3 smallish square meals a day and getting a good amount of physical activity (including lots of squats and curls with dumbbells). I just want to plateau at some point so I can buy some good clothes (vs yet another round of stop-gap clothes). Is there a plateau? I feel like I am in some weird puberty where I woke up in a body that I’m not familiar with and nothing fits. Like at some point, if I go off of the HRT in a year, do I have yet another series of changes to look forward to?
anon
No advice, only commiseration. These midlife body changes are rough. I have zero confidence that I know what my body is going to look like in a year!
Anon
Not on HRT but menopausal with a belly I never had and don’t know how to dress. Also have not seemed to reach a plateau yet.
anon
Not meant to be scary, but while the bloating I think can be explained by the HRT, bloating plus a feeling of being full is an early warning sign of ovarian cancer. I’d keep an eye on that and if it persists, maybe ask your doctor.
anon
Yes, this is a rough time of life. Brutal for some of us, easy for others. Weight gain is likely more related to the perimenopausal/menopausal transition and HRT is not always helpful for this. I have to watch what I eat much more now. I gained 10 lbs… but over a year. 10 pound increase in ?one month (couldn’t tell if that’s what you meant) is a red flag though. Not normal. And if you are truly eating less/healthy and keep gaining then you should talk with your doctor.
I also got very bloated during these years, and developed problems with a lot of those vegetable/FODMAP foods. But I’m not sure what you mean by “feeling full”…. like early satiety? That is not normal so maybe it is worth checking in with a GI / PCP to talk about this, if your GYN brushes it off.
Clothes are rough. Lots of stretch. Hiding the middle area. Finding what works for your body/shape/coloring takes time.
Anonymous
I made a good step last night in dealing with my severely depressed husband when I told him I couldn’t be his only source of emotional support. I’m completely conflicted here because he’s clearly sick but also refuses to do anything about it, which is surely a symptom of depression? He’s unemployed and looking for only remote work. He barely leaves the house anymore, and almost never alone. I can see us heading down a road which ends in him being a shut in and I feel so powerless to stop it. Not really sure why I’m posting this. I feel like this is not normal, but it’s become my normal. It’s like being a lobster in a pot as the water is slowly heated.
Anon
Is your husband the one who won’t take meds? If not, have you personally made the appointment and dragged your husband to the doctor for meds?
Anonymous
He won’t take meds, but I’m not that poster. As it turns out, it’s very hard to force someone to get help. I have made appointments in the past and he has refused to go.
Anon
Goodness. In that case, I’d follow anon a mouse’s advice. Sadly, divorce will be on the table. I say that as a lifelong depression sufferer who knows depression does not equal “baby who refuses seek treatment for a medical condition.”
anon
I am so sorry, that is incredibly tough to deal with. I think you can provide some scaffolding, in helping him get appointments with a doctor and such, but it is 100 percent fair to say that you can’t be his only support. And, although depression is no small thing, he does have to do some of the work himself. You can’t do therapy FOR him.
Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself in all this. It’s a heavy load.
Anonymous
Thanks. This is what I needed to hear. Part of me feels like I should be able to fix him. This comes both from societal norms and, frankly, directly from him.
Anonymous
That’s not true and you know it. Get a divorce. Live your life. You’ll feel so free.
Anon
Amen. He is the only one who can “fix” him. And if he is doing absolutely nothing to make those changes or get help? And has actively refused the assistance you have provided this far (setting up appointments), then divorce is on the table. I’d get my $hit in order, talk to a lawyer, and potentially wait until he has a job bc lord knows you don’t want to be locked into supporting someone who is not interested in getting help or treating a sickness.
Anon
yes i agree with all of this. is he seeing a therapist and psychiatrist? i realize he is an adult, but this might be a situation where he is too depressed to help himself.
anon a mouse
My sympathies – I have been in your shoes and it is so, so hard. What worked for me was journaling and therapy (solo, since he wouldnt’ go), and setting touchpoints for myself at 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc. I wrote down my feelings and where I hoped to be and what would be dealbreakers. The first year was really hard – I was so close to leaving so many times. Through therapy, I also was intentional about centering my needs and my happiness, and not feeling guilty about not being able to solve his. I honestly don’t know what changed for him, but I was very clear that I was not his parent and I was not in a position to solve it, that I would help with appointments or specific things if asked but I needed to be true to myself. And that he had to figure his own ish out because that’s what grown-ups do.
And – if I’m being honest – if we didn’t have a child together, I would have left before things turned around. But I wanted to feel like I gave him enough space to process and come to his own solutions and didn’t just give up. And I really didn’t want to be a single parent (I could if I had to, but for that reason I probably lowered the bar for him more than I would have if we were childless). Good luck to you.
anon
Well done. What you did is very hard, very scary, and necessary.
Will he see a primary care doctor? Does he even have one, that he likes?
That can be a start. Will he let you go with him, do you think, as he will not likely voice the issue?
Can you get him a Happy Light?
Are you home working with him?
I recommend looking for your local NAMI organization and see if there is a nearby meeting for a family support group (or remote/video meeting) – for you. Sometimes that can be helpful for support, and ideas.
anon
I need help with jeans. It is slushy and gross outside, so I’m putting away my boot cuts and flares until I don’t have to worry about soaking the hems. I have some cropped jeans, and I do like the look of a slim boot paired with crops. The problem is the hem of the jeans sometimes gets caught on the top of the boot and it looks bad. Should I cuff the jeans to make them just enough shorter so they sit above the boot? My boots are a really comfy lug sole Chelsea style that I love. I think it would be ridiculous to find another pair of boots to go with these specific jeans.
Anon
Yep, cuff.
Anon
With your current options I’d probably cuff my jeans to sit just above the boot. And fwiw, this is why I will always have a pair of skinny or ‘slim’ jeans/pants even if it isn’t the most current thing. I’ve spent decades dealing with soggy/salt stained hems in the winter and I’m over it!
anon
It was never cute, but it’s even worse when you’re old enough to know better, haha.
Anon
Yes, I’m wearing slim pants for snow boot season. I need to be able to tuck them into my boots for commuting.
Anon
For work I tuck wider legs into winter boots then change shoes at the office. Running errands I break out the skinnies. IDGAF about trends, slushy ankles aren’t worth it. I’ve accepted that my going-out outfits will be tights and dresses unless the ground is dry or I have door-to-door car dropoff.
anon
I would cuff the jeans above the boots and wear a pair of cute patterned socks.
Anon
Over the last year, my 6th grade son has become good friends with The Stinky Kid. You know, the one with bad breath and pungent BO. (His smell will linger in my car after he gets out.) I’ve met this boy’s parents and siblings, and I know the odor doesn’t have financial or cultural causes – I’ve never smelled any of them.
When my son and this boy play outside, I’ve kept deodorants on hand and said, “Hey, guys! Let’s put on some deodorant so we don’t stink after we play. Gotta stay fresh!” The boy will go along with it, but when I ask if he’d like to take the deodorant home with him after the visit, he happily says no and goes off on his way.
The kid is flighty, so I could see him just forgetting to brush his teeth or whatnot. Is there anything else I can do? I feel terrible for him being the stinky kid. He’s immature and not into girls yet, so that’s not a motivating factor. Thanks for the advice :/
Anon
No, unfortunately this is a stage that some kids (and teenagers!) go through. Hopefully the parents will set boundaries soon – my tween has to be forced to shower daily (my younger kid would live in the bath).
If it makes you feel better in a ‘at least you don’t have to do this!’ sort of way we had the stinky au pair who didn’t believe in deodarant and didn’t wash herself/her clothing often enough. Our au pair coordinator and I finally had a talk with her about ‘different cultural norms’ and that showering daily, washing your clothing every time you wore it (in the summer/fall when she was getting sweaty), and changing bedsheets/towels weekly were all part of the family/cultural expectations. The au pair was Swiss so the whole ‘not washing’ thing was a bit of a shock.
Anon.
As someone who has lived in Switzerland, I am appalled. This is not normal, even if Switzerland has small pockets of society that you could call “alternative” when it comes to nutrition, health and hygiene.
Anonymous
That’s definitely a person specific thing. DH is Swiss and they are very particular about cleaning. Like I only take hotel cleanliness reviews on travel websites from Swiss people seriously.
anon
How on earth could this possibly be your issue to solve? You shouldn’t be doing anything; he’s not your kid.
Anon
+1
Anon
+1000
Anon
+1
Poor kid though. Is there any chance he’s being neglected at home?
Anon
You may be well-intentioned but are, imo, way overstepping. A child could have an allergic reaction to deodorant or if it is an antiperspirant, a parent could be furious that you gave them that product. You can only control yourself, and can set a boundary that this child isn’t allowed in your home/car or you can stick your neck out and talk to the parents, but don’t be surprised if this is the end of the friendship. The kid will have to suffer natural consequences once peers tease him/bring it up to him and/or his parents get with the program.
Anonymous
Please don’t ban the poor kid from your house and car.
Anonymous
No and stop putting deoderant on kids that aren’t yours. That is weird and inappropriate
anon
I sympathize, but it is SO NOT YOUR ROLE to hand the kid a stick of deodorant. The exception being is that you’re afraid he’s being neglected or something.
Anonymous
there are special breathmints they make for people with dry mouth (often a cause of stinky breath) — you may want to keep some on hand to offer to him?
honestly though you may want to ask the mom about it in some roundabout way if you know her — like “what kind of deodorant does billy use, i need to get a new one without aluminum for john” or whatever. when i asked my friends that (around 5th/6th grade for my son) i was completely shocked that their boys were all already wearing deodorant.
Anonymous
It could be a medical issue. Your offer of taking deodorant home could be mortifying to him. Please mind your own business and just be nice to the poor kid.
Anonymous
does anyone know of tops like the fold’s that are kind of stand-alone tops that make an outfit? what would i even search on to find those?
like these
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/belleville-top-violet-stretch-tailoring/
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/lamont-top-cornflower-blue-sculpt-knit/
Anon
Are you looking for more options than The Fold or something cheaper or something in different sizes? You might try searching for sculptural or statement tops.
anon
There is a very cheap dupe of that 1st Fold top sold on (gulp…) Amazon that was actually featured on this website.
Anon
There is a very cheap dupe of that 1st Fold top sold on (gulp…) Amazon that was actually featured on this website.
Anonymous
oh really? i kept i ordered that one too and kept it… no it isn’t a $300 top but i thought it looked decent for $30.
Anonymous
I liked it too. Very nice for the price.
Anon
I have a few tops from BR Factory that fit the bill.
Anonymous
sorry if i missed a thread about this — is Pence totally out as Trump’s VP? who do people want? my biggest fear is he’ll pick Ivanka and then die in office – i always heard she was just as bad as Trump but in a prettier package.
Anon
Unless she rapes and then discredits women, she’s not “just as bad as Trump.” The extent of his criminality is boggling. Some people were put on this earth to make life worse for others.
Anon
Yeah I would much rather have Ivanka. I don’t like her, but I don’t think she’ll start a nuclear war or end democracy.
Anonymous
This. She’s out for herself but she’s not like trying to bring down the democratic system.
It won’t be her because she’s not beholden to Putin. Putin will pick someone he can manipulate after Trump dies.
Anon
*shudder* I think of Shiv Roy on Succession approaching that woman in the park and convincing her to backpedal on her accusations… Ivanka probably does sh1t like that on her days off.
Anon
Yes — Pence is out. IDK that Ivanka is the worst pick if he’s picking kids but suspect it’s Vivek possibly. To be clear: any pick is probably not great, but I’d prefer Ivanka to any other kid from Ivana since she’s not in the criminal cases and stays off Twitter (and that is a win to me).
Both Trump and Biden are old enough to really make me care about this.
Anonymous
You realize she is not in the fraud case only because she stopped frauding long enough ago that the statute of limitations ran, not bc she didn’t fraud?
Cerulean
I think Pence’s entire political career is toast, TBH. He’s too tied to Trump and evangelical to appeal much to the remaining non-MAGA Republicans and his refusal to commit treason January 6th means he’s anathema to the Trump camp.
Anonymous
Yes, Pence is out. He has not been 10000000% loyal to Trump. The names I hear speculated (mostly from Sarah Longwell at the Bulwark podcast) are – Gov. Kristi Noem, Rep. Katie Britt, Elise Stefanik, Nancy Mace and maybe Tim Scott. I think this changes by the minute. Sarah Longwell’s reason for Katie Britt is that apparently Trump made a comment that Katie Britt and her husband (I guess he is/was a football player??) were “straight out of central casting”, which to Sarah means that Trump approves of them. I think there are about to be a LOT of leaks of names to the press so we’ll be hearing about this shortly.
Senior Attorney
Elise Stefanik is going HARD for the spot so I’m betting on her. She’s awful, not least of all because I feel like she knows better.
Anon
I believe Trump does not want someone smarter or more attractive than him or someone who garners attention in their own right. Stefanik is smarter and grabs attention, so I don’t think he’ll pick her.
Anon
Katie Britt is a Senator, not a Representative, FYI.
Anonymous
I was the one who posted that. Sorry to Katie Britt! An honest oversight on my part.
Anon
Pence is out. I have heard Haley being mentioned a lot – that’s the entire point of her campaign, in fact. Divert resources and energy away from DeSantis (so many other Republicans didn’t even bother running because they all wanted to consolidate behind RDS), it’s handed to Trump by default, and she gets her big thank-you present from Trump.
Anonymous
See, I feel like this was the initial reason for Haley’s campaign. However, the last few days? Weeks? I really don’t know, it has not been that long, she has mentioned/talked about Trump in not a good light (some could say she’s attacked him). Based on this, I think she’s out because I think he does not want someone who isn’t going to be 200000% loyal.
January
Pence is definitely out. I assume he’d pick Jr. over Ivanka.
Anonymous
I actually don’t think Ivanka wants that role. I absolutely loathe her but I think she is distancing herself from him at this point.
Pence is out and doesn’t want back in. He’s been clear that Trump asked him to break the law in an absurd manner and is aware that Trump imperiled his life by siccing a pack of MAGAts on him to try to hang him.
I think Trump will make dozens of people think they are in the running in order to get a lineup of unabashed sycophants fawning all over him – his very favorite – and then will make a rash decision at the last minute mostly based on who is ‘out of central casting’ just like last time bc he considers them mere adornment to his greatness.
Anonymous
This. I think she’s playing a long game. Close enough to reap benefits of association down the road but not so close that she isn’t appealing for college educated Republican women down the road. I think she’ll run after her kids are older and Trump has died. So maybe ten years?
Anon
I’m planning on quitting my job late next week. My boss’s boss just asked me to take over a long term process. This is the second long term process he’s asked me to take over recently (the first was about a week ago). I feel bad that people are training me and investing in me when I know I’m quitting. They are just going to have to train someone else all over again. Quitting earlier isn’t an option because I need to wait for my bonus to come through next week. Any commiseration?
Anon
They would terminate you without a second through if the bottom line demanded it.
Anon
So much commiseration! In a similar boat and just trying to stay in the moment. Hang in there!
Anon
It’s part of doing business, it’s not personal. And it’s only a week – really not a lot of time or resources in the grand scheme of things.
Anon
Of course it feels awkward, but you need to protect yourself under these circumstances. The good news is that the window until you give notice is very small. Congratulations to you on whatever lies ahead.
Anonymous
I had a very similar situation. I was asked to take on a client matter on an emergent basis and was planning to leave without notice before the deadline, and before I could complete the project, but could not say anything. Add that the client had defected to my current company from the company I was going to.
Anon
If you make one dish to bring for lunch every day during the week, what are your go to recipes? Leftovers are somewhat unreliable in my house, and I prefer to have 3-4 servings of something I can bring every day without much thought. I’ve been doing a lot of lentil soups but am kind of sick of them.
anonshmanon
a big batch of fried rice, or pasta salad have been pretty reliably for me, because they don’t tie me to a rigid set of ingredients.
Anon
This week, I’ve been eating peanut soup (https://pinchofyum.com/sweet-potato-peanut-soup + a can of kidney beans) and cabbage stew (https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1013329-andalusian-cabbage-stew + a can of chickpeas). I also like https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1024168-edamame-pesto-pasta with whole wheat penne, cherry tomatoes, and pickled onions.
Anonymous
I like lentils or chickpea salad stuffed in a pita with whatever vegetables you like – cucumber, tomatoes, carrots, watercress, onion are my go-tos, but it is an open field.
White bean and tuna salad with red onion + veg (bag salad, crudites, or frozen are all easy)
Curried chicken and rice salad is easy to make in bulk
I also keep the microwaveable packets of Indian dishes and rice in my drawer. Surprisingly tasty and they really are not pungent when cooked, which I was nervous about.
anon
Honestly…. I’m lazy.
So my favorite lunch is the grazing lunch. I always keep certain foods ready to go, so it is easy to throw together. Keep lots of fresh fruit and veg ready to go. Have stashes of proteins ready to go. Grab some of each and put it all in a tupperware.
Finger food veg (cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, whatever you like)
Finger food fruit (often fresh berries of all kinds)
Protein (usually cheese or a hard boiled egg – which I make in bulk using the popular egg cooker)
Nuts (always have almonds, pistachios, walnuts etc…)
Or I finally gave in and for time saving/good nutrition, regularly buy premade whole grain salads and tasty tofus from our local food Co-ops prepared food area and keep them in the fridge and portion out some each day in a tupperware. It is a lot cheaper than eating out, and saves a lot of prep hassle and the foods are more complex/varied than I would ever have the time to make myself.
I’m single
Eating the same breakfast every day, and standard lunches every day that are also very stable/healthy (not too heavy, less bread/carbs) have helped me weight wise too.
Anon
Grains and beans, and then doctor them up day by day. I cook farro and white beans, or quinoa and lentils, or barley and kidney beans (or use canned beans) on Sunday and divide them into 5 containers. Then every night I add something to the container for the next day. Cherry tomatoes, chopped cukes, salad dressing, or a little liquid and some frozen mixed vegetables, or whatever I have on hand that sounds good.
Cerulean
My easy backup for lunch is the lentil salad using Trader Joe’s steamed lentils, the bruschetta tub, and a tub of feta crumbles. Whenever I make soup, I make a large batch and freeze leftovers in single portion jars.
Anon
big batch of grilled vegetables, shredded chicken, and rice or pasta
different combinations of veggies / sauces keep it interesting
Anon
My favourite thing to pack for lunch is a pâté made from chickpeas and walnuts which I spread over crackers as part of a grazing lunch. I round it out with cheese, fruit, and veggies.
Anon
Thank you to the person who recommended Nora goes off script by Annabel Monaghan. It was cute, and fun and took my mind off of the job hunt for a while.
Anon
Yay! That was me. She has a second book, which was good, but not quite same level of fun.
Anonymous
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