Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Allyn Pant in Light Washable Ponte

278 Comments

1. Is anyone here doing “curly girl” styling for wavy/curly hair? If so, do you wash it every day? I’m finding that it looks great on day 1 but is a tangled, sticky mess on day 2. But I’ve seen advice not to wash more than 2-3 times a week. On the other days do you rinse out the product with water at least?

   1. I use curly girl styling, and have to wash my hair every day. I told and turn a lot when sleeping, and just don’t see how I could have decent second day hair

   2. I’ve tried to be a curly girl but it’s just easier and less time consuming for me to wear it straight. I also can’t do second day hair when it’s curly, and ain’t nobody got time to do hair every day! I still wear it curly sometimes, but not on a regular basis.

      1. Exact same here. I just can’t figure out a good schedule for it either (like do I wake up at 5am to take a shower so it’s quasi dry before I leave the house at 7am? and then in the winter my hair will freeze…), so it is an occasional thing – mostly on vacation. My hair lives it’s best curly hair life when we’re on vacation and I’m swimming in the ocean daily and letting it naturally air dry.

         1. YMMV but I wash at night and air dry and sleep on it wet.

            1. You are totally right and that is absolutely the logical answer, but I just cannot sleep with a wet head.

            2. I have 2c hair and if I go to sleep with it wet (side sleeper, not moving a lot) I wake up like actual medusa. Vertical AND horizontal, uncontrolled, frizzy.

            3. My very curly daughter (she’s in the 3s somewhere) washes at night and sleeps in a bonnet, then uses a spray bottle in the morning.

   3. Watch some tik tok videos about a second- or third-day reset — you should be good after that.

   4. I was probably every 3-4 days depending on how my hair is doing. 2b curls.
      I sleep with it in a “pineapple” on top of my head at night, using an invisibobbie, and refresh in the morning with a spray bottle of water. I’ve seen some people online refresh with product, but I’ve never wanted to do that.

   5. I do curly girl with my girls, and we do wash every day. It gets tangled and the curls don’t keep their shape otherwise. They both have very fine hair, 2b and 3a. Wash in the morning, comb out wet, spray in conditioner, gel, off they go.

      1. What gel do you use? I’m trying to do the same with my girls with similar hair and gel is stumping me.

   6. I do curly girl for my 2b wavy curls and wash it every other day. I have almost never been able to make 2nd day hair work, so it’s usually 1st day down and curly, 2nd day ponytail or half-up/half-down. If I need it to really look “done” two days in a row, I wash both days.

      I sometimes used to have success mixing a small amount of conditioner with water in a spray bottle and shaking that up. I use it to really dampen my 2nd day hair all over, and then scrunch with a bit of gel. I don’t think I’ve tried that since switching away from Deva products though, but maybe I’ll give it a go sometime soon with my current conditioner.

      1. I also have 2b wavy curly hair and the other option I sometimes use for day 2 hair is to comb it out (I know, I know), put it in a side part, roll the front sections and pin them back, and then clip the back in a twist. The volume from the combed out poofy waves make for a very easy and pretty faux-gibson girl style roll. It’s dead simple to pin back two sections and then do a twist secured with a pretty clip.

   7. how you sleep in it matters a lot — the only way i have half a chance is if i sleep with it up in a gaitor, super loose but protected from the pillow. i also sleep on a silk pillowcase.

   8. I have curly hair and TBH I gave up on the whole “curly girl” method. I do only wash my hair twice a week, but I use regular shampoo and conditioner.

   9. I use a tangle teaser to get out the knots.

   10. I don’t do strict Curly Girl, but my routine is similar. I only wash twice a week.

       The key to good second-day hair is to protect the curls at night. I pull a buff up over my hair and tie the end for sleeping, and I sleep on a silk pillowcase in case any hairs slip out overnight. On the second (and third, and forth) day, I will sometimes use a tiny amount of pomade to tame the frizz if there is any. If my curls get smooshed for some reason, I will dampen my hair with a spray bottle and use a Ouidad curl refresher spray and rescrunch, then I’m ready to go.

   11. I have 2c curly hair. I do a modified CG method.

       Day 1, wash and condition, then a sulfate free gel and a deep conditioning treatment to style.

       Day 2, spray bottle with water and a few drops of essential oil to wet it down and refresh the curls

       Day 3, spray again, if I have an area that isn’t cooperating then a few drops of softening oil.

       This works for me because I have a permanent WFH position that requires only minimal effort in my appearance. If I am doing something for work that means I need a more professional impression, I make a bit more of an effort.

   12. I will do water and conditioner on non-wash days. I only shampoo once a week or so. I think shampoo is what some of the curly method advice means by washing. I’ve seen lots of curly girl refresh methods which get the hair wet again. And true curly girl products should all mostly rinse out with water. If the products have silicone based ingredients, they need sulfates to completely remove. (My curl cream has just a little bit of silicone, but it doesn’t build up too badly between washes).

   13. I have wavy hair and wash daily. I use a bit of curl cream and then twist my locks as I dry them using the hair dryer.

       1. Very similar routine here. I shampoo every other day, but I shower and condition my hair every morning. No way my curls would last overnight.

   14. Curly girl method here. My hair doesn’t do second day. I do it for the first day (and often leave for work with it wet and turn the car heat up to 80° on high and “blow dry” my hair on the commute 😉), then I wear it up in a bun for the second day. It’s fuzzy, so I have to dampen it and then apply hairspray to tame the fuzzies to get it to look nice in a bun. By the third day, my head is a poofy cotton ball and needs to be washed and reset. To be clear, I wear it a second day out of laziness, not any sort of hair health regimen 😂

   15. To get second day hair, I sleep wearing a satin bonnet and lightly mist with water in the morning any weird sections.

       To speed up drying on wash days, I diffuse for ten minutes using a nylon bonnet dryer attachment.

       Neither bonnet looks cute but it works for my hair.

   16. I have 2b wavy-curly hair (shorter, above the shoulders). I re-wet the ends in the shower with my hands, using diluted conditioner if need be, scrunch, and then either diffuse again or keep my wet hair up in a towel for a while and then let air dry.
       The stickiness depends on the products – some gels or mousses are just extremely sticky, others are a bit less.
       Day 2 is usually working for me, but at the end of day 2 I usually put my hair up with a claw clip, and wear thae same on day 3 (because I’m too lazy to wash again, usually – my hair is not oily yet at that point).

       I’ve never mastered the bonnet/sleeping with my hair in a pineapple, as it’s too short. But silk pillow case and putting my hair up above my head before fallling asleep helps somewhat.
       For very important work days in-person, I wash daily.

   17. I have Irish ringlets. I don’t do curly girl because my hair needs a wash every day to look good. I use Nexxus Humectress from Costco as my conditioner, and I have found that mousse, not gel, works much better on my hair and keeps it much healthier. Right now my favorite is cheap suave mousse in the dark pink container. For shampoo, I alternate between redken color magnetics and pureology. I get compliments on my hair all the time–CG method was too intense.

       Oh, and I do go to work with wet hair, and if my hair freezes, it usually freezes away from my head and looks great as soon as it’s inside. Blow drying curly hair is for the birds, and it’s not good for your hair anyway. No need to blow dry…ever.

2. I’m starting a new job that is also WFH and want to set good boundaries. I’m good about not working too late etc but want some physical ones as well. I live by myself in NYC, 1 bedroom apartment. I work at my dining room / living room table, which is not great.
   I’ve heard of going for a walk before and after work as a “commute”, which seems like a good idea.
   I’m thinking of literally getting a particular mat or tray and when I put that away, that’s putting my work away – is that overkill?
   I’ve noticed I like working from home a lot more when the apartment is clean, so I’m going to focus on that. Cleaning as I go, “resetting” it every night. Maybe that can also be.an end of work day ritual, putting away all the coffee and water cups I use during the day.
   I think I should leave my apartment as soon as work is done for the day, whether its for a walk or to the gym. Really reinforce the work day ending and my apartment going back to being my apartment, not my office. Maybe I’ll look for some gym classes right at that time.
   Any other ideas?

   1. I keep it simple/ the second I finish work I slip on shoes and go outside. Even just for ten minutes. It really helps!

   2. Put away your keyboard and mouse and/or close and put away your laptop (whatever your set up is). Basically, make it visually clear that your computer is no longer open for business. Maybe a little office caddy that can hold your pens, notepads whatever that you then put away when the work day is over. If you can’t or don’t feel like leaving your apartment right after, just move to another area (kitchen? couch? bed?) and maybe watch an episode of a show or listen to a podcast, something to switch gears in your brain. You could light a candle or do something with scent, another sensory ritual that says the work day is over.

      Also, unless you are expected to be available outside of working hours, turn off all work-related notifications on your phone. If you have an iPhone you can set a focus period that will turn on (and off) automatically.

   3. Do you have room for a secretary desk or a wall-mounted fold-down desk that could be closed up when you are not working?

   4. The mat idea is a good one, I think, as is putting away your work dishes. I really need a morning “commute” but am able to turn off at end of day; my husband needs both. And yes to turning off notifications outside of working hours! You basically need to act as if you’ve left the office and not do what you wouldn’t do there.

      1. Oh, also. When you WFH, it can be easy to do a day of calls or focus and never get up. Think about what you do in an office: you get up to print, you go get coffee with a co-worker — and try to include an analogous amount of away-from-desk time over the day. You won’t notice at first, but skipping that accumulates into a foggy brain and achy body.

         1. Yes, and one of the perks of WHF is getting to do small things around your home – tidying up, laundry, etc – that get you up and moving.

   5. I’m a consultant so I’m essentially permanently wfh now since clients no longer want to pay for travel. I’m also in the NYC area. I try to go to yoga or go for a run most days. I loved going for a run and enjoying my splurge of buying coffee and a pastry in the morning as well as having some external social interaction aside from colleagues. It can definitely be rough being home all day and in your own world. Try to make plans with friends at night to avoid staying logged on late. The whole “commute” from the bedroom to the office on my couch never worked for me.

   6. Do you have to work from YOUR home every day? Could you find local co-working spaces or even quiet areas to do work? That’s what I did as a WFH pre-COVID. It’s harder if your job is phone/zoom all day long but even splitting the day so half of it is out of the house really helps.

      1. I think that in the morning I”ll have a lot of meetings so it’ll be easier to work from home but I can definitely leave in the afternoons. I’ve worked from coffee shops before and the library (but thats gotten very crowded now).

   7. I put everything associated with WFH – my planner, work phone, headphones, etc – away in my desk drawer at the end of the day so my desk is clear.

   8. I find the end of day desk clean an important part of my routine. It makes the work day feel done, but also, and perhaps more significantly, a clean desk makes starting work the next day easier too.

   9. I really need that separation too so here’s what I do at the end of the day: shut down computer, turn off mouse and keyboard, turn off surge protector, put my paper notepad face down, move all my pens back to their proper spot, push in my desk chair, change out of my work yoga pants and into my after work yoga pants, go for a walk with a neighbor or with a podcast.

      1. I especially like your change of clothes. You are my people.

   10. Clothing and shoes: get ready in the morning for work, then change clothes into lounge or gym clothes when you’re done
       Do you have room to mount a folding wall desk?

   11. Boundaries sound great, but I’d also take a cue on culture at new job. My workplace is very accommodating to people running to do school pick-ups or vet appointments or errands during the work day with notice they’ll be offline but the flipside is that discussions often happen on Slack after 5 p.m. If you aren’t keeping an eye, it can hinder others from being able to move forward with their projects or leave clients hanging. Part of it is that we’re spread out in time zones (and I’m one of the lucky ones in the Midwest.) It’s one of the reasons I’m seeking hybrid with my next roll. I’m tired of not being able to be “off.”

       1. +1 to taking cues on culture. I’m new to my job and to WFH. If I leave my desk at 5 or 5:30, I try to check back once before 7 (when my family eats dinner) and reply to anything that I can turn around in under 5 minutes. We also have people stretched across the US, and I don’t want to leave people hanging.

   12. I close up what I can and put a pretty throw over my computer so I can’t see the monitor or any of it ( not a laptop).

3. Does anyone have experience letting medical bills go to collections as a poster suggested last week? My husband had an emergency medical flight that insurance (BCBS of MN) is refusing to cover. We appealed through the insurance company multiple times and the ED physician who sent him on the flight called to advocate on his behalf. No dice. It’s $20,000 and although we could put this on a monthly payment plan over the next two years and get by, I would really rather contribute to retirement or my student loan debt.

   Leaving aside the ethics please. Know that I have spent a lot of time considering the ethics and that is a separate discussion. We own a house and cars and do not need high credit scores for any impending purchases. What I’m really curious about is the logistics of medical debt collections. Do they immediately drop your payment to 10%? Do you have to call and argue with them endlessly? Do they contact your place of work and attempt to garnish wages? Is there someplace I can learn more about this? Thanks in advance!

   1. Have you tried engaging an advocate or even writing to NPR’s Bill of the Month project?

      1. I will try both of these. How do I find an advocate? Ideally in Minnesota.

   2. I’m that poster. 10% is at the very low end, but yes they will normally drop the bill substantially without you doing anything. I’d expect to pay no more than half the original bill if it goes to collections. They can’t garnish your wages unless they successfully sue you and win a judgment.

      1. Thank you!

      2. Won’t the collection be reported to credit bureau though? And impact your credit? I’d try to negotiate for full payment if reduced amount to avoid impact to my credit report.

         1. Medical debt is *very* different than other debt. It can’t be reported to credit bureaus until it’s been in collections for 12 months, can’t be reported if it’s under $500 (doesn’t apply to OP, but often applies to me), and has to fall off your credit report immediately after being paid, so any negative impact only lasts for as long as you carry the debt.

            I’m in the same stage of life as OP where I own my house and car, so I can withstand a temporary hit to my credit score. It never has impacted it though, as far as I can tell. Probably because I’ve always paid within 6 months. I have credit monitoring in place so I see changes to my score.

            This article has more info: https://www.cnbc.com/select/medical-debt-credit-report/

            1. While this is surely going to help those who truly cannot pay large
               medical bills, it may be an incentive for others to avoid payment altogether if this type of debt will never impact your credit score. I own my house, car and I pay my bills. You’re waiting for your bill to be reduced or written off vs. paying even though you have the means to pay?

            2. Yes as I said the other day I have “good” (state government) health insurance but it comes with a very high deductible (>$10k), so this is effectively my way of reducing the bill and paying what I’d pay if I didn’t have insurance, since self-pay rates are easily half or less what the provider bills insurance. I know some people don’t consider this ethical but I was just responding to the point about it affecting your credit score. It won’t, if you pay the bill within 12 months of it getting referred to collections.

   3. Have you tried negotiating with the flight company? They might be willing to take 25% or 50%, especially if you can pay upfront (maybe via loan against your 401k).

      1. Thanks for the suggestion. The hospital owns the flight service and they best they could do was taking $4000 off the total. It was better than nothing but far from ideal.

         1. That’s not bad..that’s a typical 20 percent reduction

   4. Not me, but a friend of mine had an expensive (ground) ambulance transport that got denied by insurance. He called the billing company and offered to pay them 30% of the bill (it was around $12k) that day so they could avoid sending the bill to collections. There was a series of phone calls, back and forth, and he ultimately ended up paying about $5k to settle the thing (which he had in cash). Definitely negotiate the bill. You’ll have to pay something, but it won’t be $20k. I would start with offering $6-7k (if you can afford it) and see what they counter with.

   5. I don’t know anything about the collections process, but I get my primary care and OB care from a large hospital system and know we’re expected to make payments towards any outstanding bills during check in. They can/do refuse service if you don’t make at least a small payment. Just something else I’d consider/look into while examining all aspects of this plan.

      1. Thank you. We actually moved away from the city this small hospital system is located in. We won’t be using their medical services at all in the future.

      2. Yes, same here. And they offer a twenty percent discount for full payment when the costs are known in advance. Thankful for transparency in the billing process.

      3. I’m the person who said above that I do this, also a large hospital system and I’ve never been asked to pay an overdue bill at check-in. However I’ve never had a single bill anywhere near $20k, which may well be a factor.

   6. I’m not sure of your specifics, and maybe you’ve already covered this ground, but the No Surprises Act passed last year by Congress bans air ambulance balance billing. Please look into this if you haven’t already. Google “no surprises act air ambulance” to see if the law’s protections might apply to you.

      1. I was really hopeful about this but the air ambulance service was in network so based on my reading, the “no surprises” act wouldn’t apply. It seems this only applies to out of network services.

         The insurance company is refusing half of the transport costs. I’m a going to avoid giving my exact location. But say the local hospital we presented to was in Pierre SD. That hospital flew us to Minneapolis MN for emergency care. The insurance company states care could have been provided in Sioux Falls SD so will only cover the cost of the flight from Pierre to Sioux Falls and is leaving the remaining mileage balance of $20,000 to us.

         1. I would keep fighting with the insurance company. Keep appealing. Contact the state insurance commissioner, or an advocate. If the plan did not require pre-authorization, and your doctor ordered the service and says it’s medically necessary, and it’s a covered service, the insurance company should pay.

            I’d also keep fighting with the air ambulance company. If they’re in network, and they’ve received some payment from the insurance company, they should be prohibited by their provider agreement from billing you for the balance. That’s the whole benefit to the patient of using an in network provider.

            Basically, they’ve put you in the middle hoping you’ll pay. Our system is terrible.

            1. Balance billing rules vary by state.

            2. Balance billing is illegible in many states. Check yours.

         2. Just want to echo the “keep fighting” and consider engaging a paid advocate who can get in the situation with you and advocate on your behalf. I would definitely complain to the state insurance commission and ask for relief or assistance with this situation. Be specific about what you want, so it doesn’t sound like a general complaint.

         3. No advice but I just wanted to say that this is beyond bananas. As if you decided where the air ambulance came from/went to from the small town! “Actually, please drop me off here, this hospital will be fine.”(Parachutes out over midsized city hospital). It’s a freaking emergency requiring an air ambulance!!!

            Best wishes as you fight this completely justified fight.

   7. Ugh. I would do the same as you, and this is not an ethics question. You are completely right.

      I would continue to fight. Keep appealing to the highest level. There is always another level. Don’t miss any deadline. Keep appealing, as they are trying to make you give up. Have you argued in front of a judge yet? That is worth doing, and is the final appeal step in most cases. That can be your best shot. I have done that before for a parent, but it was a Medicare judge. The process is likely different for your private insurance plan. It might even be worth talking to an attorney once that specializes in this.

      Agree with writing to your local newspaper / NPR. In my city there is a very popular column every month or so where they post exactly about things like this, and advocate for the patients.

      Just curious – did they warn you ahead of time that the flight would or would not be covered? Did they make you pay out of pocket at the time, and you are now trying to get reimbursed?

      FYI – I was in a similar situation, but not as acute as yours. I had to medflight a family member, but we had to find the medflight company myself. It was MUCH cheaper than your bill, and I gave up too soon in the appeals process because I was exhausted and we had so much other stuff to worry about. I am still mad at myself for not fighting more, and at the evil insurance company for knowing we would give up.

      1. I assume she hasn’t paid yet. If you’ve paid and are trying to get reimbursed, letting the bill go to collections wouldn’t work because there’s nothing for them to collect.

         1. Correct. I have not yet paid the bill.

            1. Of course.

               Try this:

               https://www.patientadvocate.org/connect-with-services/faq/

               They are a non-profit, patient advocate organization. Their focus is in patients with chronic disorders who are pursing care – cancer, multiple sclerosis, ALS etc… They can pair you up with advocacy resources in your area if your diagnosis is one the assist. But if this was a one time medical issue that required transfer to another hospital, for example… a car accident and you need acute surgery and then recover completely, they may not be the right contact for you. So check out the website, see if your loved one’s diagnosis is on the list of those they assist, and then give them a call.

               Also this Medicare advocacy organization is fantastic.

               https://medicareadvocacy.org/

               While they may not be able to help unless your loved one is now disabled and on Medicare, they may just give you some general advice regarding the using the appeals process to your advantage (since it is pretty universal) and have some referrals to folks in your area.

   8. If you make small, regular payments, there’s a good chance it gets forgiven in a few years anyway. At least my local hospital does that if it looks like you’re actually trying to repay the thing.

   9. Thanks so much for the assistance everyone. If anyone has a recommendation for a specific billing advocate or lawyer to use for this problem in Minnesota I would greatly appreciate it. Googling and trying to find a reputable service or person I has been daunting.

      1. At the bottom of this article, you’ll find some organizations where you can find folks who negotiate with hospitals on patients’ behalf: https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/when-do-you-need-medical-billing-advocate/

      2. Call the state insurance advocate or your congressional representative’s constituent services office and ask them to help you advocate.

   10. Is the insurance through your employer (or your spouse’s)? If so, the employer has a BCBS account rep. Their job is to present renewal and rate info, update the employer about changing laws, etc. – not to help resolve claims or deal directly with plan participants. But, they may be able to provide insight about why the claim was denied, and what (if anything) could be done to strengthen the claim on appeal if you haven’t exhausted the BCBS appeals process yet.

       So, you could ask your HR/benefits person if they could run this claim by their account rep and get you any feedback. BCBS reps vary tremendously in quality and timeliness, so it’s a roll of the dice if this will be helpful.

       If the employer is self-funded (meaning, they hired BCBS to process and pay claims, but the employer provides the funds to BCBS to pay those claims), there are a couple of options you could consider, depending on what your employer is like, how persistent you want to be, and what kind of reputation you have with your employer. If the claim hasn’t gone to collection yet, the employer can authorize BCBS to pay the claim on an exception basis. Employers don’t like to do this, and BCBS doesn’t like it, either, but it can be done if you press your employer enough. Or, if the claim has gone to collection and your employer wants to help you, the employer could negotiate payment and pay the collection agency for you.

       I’ve done both of these – authorized BCBS to pay exceptions, and negotiated with collection agencies – so it can be done; it just depends on how willing your employer is to help, and how much political capital you have with your employer.

   11. Minnesota Department of Commerce
       The Minnesota Department of Commerce (MNDOC) has some authority to regulate certain health insurance companies and third-party administrators in Minnesota. If your self-insured plan uses a third-party administrator, or your health insurance coverage is through a health insurance company, you may file a complaint with the Commerce Department as follows:

       Minnesota Department of Commerce
       85 7th Place East, Suite 280
       St. Paul, MN 55101
       (651) 539-1500 (local)
       (800) 657-3602 (Greater MN only)
       http://www.mn.gov/commerce external link icon
       Source: https://www.ag.state.mn.us/Consumer/Health/Default.asp

   12. See if your state has an administrative agency that will do an external review. I think you have to exhaust the internal appeal process with the carrier first. But if you can get there may be worth a shot

4. Can you all please give me your most recent London food recommendations? Looking for (a) high tea that is not necessarily the poshest, but absolutely delicious, (b) best Indian food that is not too crowded (I love Dishoom but the last time I went, long lines to get in at the Shoreditch location), (c) cozy pub, and (d) where to get fresh, healthy food after all the above!

   Thank you so much!

   1. Fortnum and Mason is in my not at all humble opinion the best afternoon tea in terms of quality of food and service.

      Cozy pub should just be near where you are staying!

      1. +1. I personally hate their sandwiches (too dry) and cakes (too sweet for me) but love the scones. My friends like the sandwiches and scones but don’t love the cakes. In any case F&M is a lovely setting – the one at the Royal Exchange is a great stop for just tea or coffee if you’re in a hurry.

   2. For Dishoom, the last time we went (pre-Covid so ymmv) they did take lunch reservations but the last time slot for that is like 5:45… good for pre-theater or otherwise early dinner! We had better luck with the Carnaby area location at a later dinner hour, just waited at the bar for 10 minutes – didn’t even have time to finish a drink before we were seated.

      1. Have you tried Dishoom for breakfast? Delish and no lines :) At least when I went. I also really liked Cinnamon Kitchen.

   3. For cosy pubs The dove in Hammersmith or The grapes in Limehouse (this one specially if you are a fan of Gandalf)

      1. Another fan of The Grapes. I am so pleased and surprised to see it recommended. And yes, keep an eye out for Gandalf. If you want a spendy but wonderful dinner, too, head upstairs.

   4. Both are posh, but The Savoy and Claridge’s are my top two choices for tea, and I have been to most of the fancy hotels’ teas at this point

   5. For Indian food, a classic choice is Veeraswamy. Fairly pricy for Indian, but I loved the food. Reserve several days ahead (at least).

      1. I love Veeraswamy and I also love Jamavar.

   6. Tea – Fortnum and Mason

      Indian food – veerasamy on regent street or the Michelin starred Quilon (south Indian/coastal so not the usual boring Punjabi food you get everywhere !)

   7. (a) I found the afternoon tea at the Wallace Collection is more to my taste. It’s not the better known or fanciest, but I love their scone and sandwiches. For posh afternoon tea I’ve seen Claridge’s (classic), Mandarin Oriental (food is supposed to be great), and the Ritz (more for the ritzy atmosphere than the food) recommended.

      (c) The Pig and Butcher, the Garrison, Plaquemine Lock, any Thomas Cubitt pub

      (d) disregarding the “healthy” point and going to the things i recommend point (I know, not what you asked… )

      Popolo
      La Mia Mamma
      Delamina (brunch)
      La Fromagerie
      Barrafina
      Phat Phuc Noodle bar (queue, outdoor tent)
      Manteca
      Lyle’s
      BRAT
      Monohon ramen
      St John Restaurant
      Moro
      Morito
      Greenberry Cafe (brunch)
      Le Cord (baguette, cakes from the cafe side)
      Dim sum duck (massive queue)
      Banana Tree (decent Indonesian)
      Maries Cafe ( v low key workmans cafe but most delicious Thai ever)
      Buns from Home (fresh cinnamon buns)
      Doh’hut
      Easy quick reach – Le Pain Quotidien
      Food stalls at markets in various parts of London – Borough Market is a big one, there are a few at Coal Drops Yard by Kings Cross etc

      1. Junior Associate, you have listed some of my favorite places in London, I would have to try the others.

      2. I actually almost recommended The Pig and Butcher as a pub, so I’ll second that!

         Agree afternoon tea at the Ritz is more about being at the Ritz than the food, which I was disappointed with. Not worth the money in my opinion.

5. How do we feel about Al Franken? I know that most people think that Tweeden’s claims were not credible and his forced resignation from the Senate lacked due process, but I thought many women came forward abut inappropriate touching, etc. Now I am seeing Franken on some of my favorite shows and podcasts. Has public opinion on him changed?

   1. I don’t know if public opinion has “changed”, since many people thought he was railroaded at the time. I supported his resignation, but came to think it might have been an overreaction. If Louis CK and others are out living their best lives (and people like Matt Gaetz are still holding office), I can’t get worked up about Al Franken having a life in public.

   2. I thought that the claims were sufficiently credible that he shouldn’t be a US senator, but that doesn’t mean that he has to disappear from public life forever. I wish we were better at understanding that there are some positions that are should be held to higher standards, and also that there are some positions where people are especially likely to cause harm to others (teachers, professors, etc.), but that just because someone has done something bad doesn’t mean that there’s no possibility for atonement and redemption, especially given the range of how bad the alleged offenses were and how long ago, etc. I wouldn’t want Al Franken to come back as a politician or a teacher, but I’m okay with him going back into comedy in a low key way. I won’t personally be attending one of his shows or buying a book, and I wouldn’t invite him on my podcast if I had one, but I’m okay with it if someone else wants to.

      1. Yeah, this. I think he’s not nearly as reprehensible as Louis CK or many others who were the targets of Me Too, but I also think it was appropriate that he stepped down. A lot of the vitriol around his resignation against female lawmakers was really gross, and while that wasn’t necessarily his doing I also feel uncomfortable around that aspect.

      2. Totally agree. He was credibly accused and he resigned which was the right thing to do. (This is still the norm in other countries – you resign because accusations against you interfere with the office.)

         1. though again another example of the representatives of certain parties doing the right thing when accused, but apparently not others

            1. Yes, though the Democratic party decided not to apply the same standard to Biden. I thought the allegations against him were credible, especially in context of all kinds of other anecdotes and records of his creepiness and sexism, but they just couldn’t afford to disqualify him. (I am a registered Democrat who voted for him, and for every Democratic presidential candidate since I turned 18. I will do so again next year.)

            2. Yeah I voted for him, but I will never forget the people who argued that all those anecdotes are things that are actually completely fine (they are not fine).

            3. I mean, Bill Clinton was credibly accused of even worse things, and Hillary Clinton smeared the accusers at the time, and he served two terms and is living his best life…

            4. Agreed. I think Al Franken’s just happened at a bad time for him where public pressure was enough with the circumstances of an appointment to fill his seat to get him to step down. I do not in any way think either party would make the same calculation in a different circumstance.

            5. 10:48, I don’t defend Clinton at all. I was also complaining about him when it wasn’t cool (and it still mostly isn’t).

            6. I certainly wouldn’t be nominating Bill Clinton for president today either. If he was the nominee, I’d vote reluctantly, but I wouldn’t be happy about it. I was just a kid in the 90s, but now that I’ve actually understand what he was accused of, I don’t think it’s okay at all, and it don’t think he’d be successful in the modern Democratic Party. The Biden accusations seem murkier and it’s harder to tell what’s opportunistic vs just being a typical creepy old guy, but not actually criminal or malicious (not okay, but millions of people seemed to genuinely be under the impression they were so I’m a bit more sympathetic to the changing times excuse, though not willing to excuse it entirely)

            7. The accusations against Biden by Tara Reade were of outright assault, so those were not murky. People can believe she’s lying, but personally I don’t. The creepiness in his behavior over time, in addition to how he treated Anita Hill, made it even more believable to me that this is who he is.

            8. And yet so many people have and continue to be willing to vote Trump. I’d rather spend less time worried about Al Frankin or Bill Clinton and more time actually focusing on the galling hypocrisy that’s currently out there.

            9. 11:51, I think everyone on this thread is appropriately galled. But if someone says “but what about the guy on your side?” it’s a much stronger response to say “that’s not ok either” than what usually happens, which is deflection. This is also not to put all offenses on the same level, because they are not.

      3. +1. This expresses how I feel very accurately.

      4. +1 Also there are other very qualified people out there who can be good senators who haven’t inappropriately touched or harassed women, so let’s have them do the job instead.

   3. What he’s doing is part of a pretty standard famous people redemption tour – retreat from public life, do charitable-y things, have your friends talk you up off the record to powerful people, start making the rounds again, come back into the spotlight. I don’t particularly like Franken but as a former WH intern for Clinton (pre-Lewinsky), I’m fresh out of f*ks to give.

   4. I hated that he was forced to resign. He was one of the brightest and most effective people in Congress.

6. Tips for an overnight transatlantic flight with a 2yo? We got lay flat seats hoping she’ll sleep but worried about the lights bothering her. Will they let her lay with me? Anything else that might help?

   1. Put a blanket over her seat for the light. But the problem is the fight is just too short for a decent nights sleep

      1. It’s a 10 hour flight so would be a decent amount if she actually sleeps, but point taken.

         1. Oh great! Sorry when I hear crossing the Atlantic I think New York to London.

         2. 10 hour flight means 8.5-9 hours in the air, which means 6-7 hours after the meal services. It’s a lot better than nothing, but it’s not a full night.

   2. Will she wear an eye mask? If not can you build a little blanket tent for her?

      What time is your flight – does it line up reasonably well with normal bedtime? (We once took the 4pm rather than like 8pm or later flight to Europe and omg never again, by the time we could sleep it was time for breakfast.)

      1. Your second paragraph is my big issue with transatlantic flights. We live in the Midwest and they all seem to leave before 5 pm so they can get to Europe before 9 am local time for the business travelers. I hate it!

      2. 6:30pm and she usually goes to sleep around 7. She’s never worn an eye mask before so maybe we should start practicing that. The blanket tent is a great idea too. Appreciate it!

   3. 6:30pm and she usually goes to sleep around 7. She’s never worn an eye mask before so maybe we should start practicing that. The blanket tent is a great idea too. Appreciate it!

      1. Yes this is what I’m afraid of! She usually does pretty well sleeping on planes but I have always been holding her and never overnight. The extra fun twist is that I’m pregnant so can’t just overload on caffeine when we get there the next day. Please send good vibes.

         1. Depending on what time you arrive at your final destination, I’d consider booking the hotel for the night before so you can take an early, substantial nap (say, 10 am to 2 pm), do some sightseeing in the late afternoon, and still go to bed at a reasonable hour in the local timezone. That’s what we normally do when going to Europe (in economy, so not much sleep even with older kids) and it works out pretty well. Good luck!

            1. +1 – I always do this for international work travel and its a godsend to be able to get right into your hotel, shower, and nap.

            2. So, question about this as we’ve considered doing this in the past, but I was unsure of the logistics. Do you call and check in to the hotel over the phone? Will they consider you “checked in” if you aren’t there in person to pick up your keys, etc.? This is pertinent for us because we can take a redeye from our city to NYC, but the flight arrives at 5 a.m. If we could go to the hotel and catch some sleep before getting up and going to do things in the city, that would be great, but I always figured you had to be physically present in the hotel to check in sometime before midnight of the check-in day, and they wouldn’t let you into the room if you showed up at 6 a.m. the next morning.

            3. +2, we do this every trip if the hotel won’t do early checkin, but we limit the nap to 1-1.5 hours only. Otherwise you just prolong the jetlag.

            4. I’ve done this too in special circumstances. So I wouldn’t do it if I, for example, could take quick/easy public transit directly to a familiar place on arrival. One time I traveled overnight into a major city, but my destination was a smaller town about an hour away. I didn’t feel comfortable renting the car and driving the hour plus then checking into an airbnb on zero/little sleep, so I just booked a hotel in major city for one night.

            5. I normally just email the hotel and tell them that we’re not checking in until the next morning. If you don’t contact them, they may cancel the reservation and give away the room. But whenever I’ve contacted them they’ve always been understanding and we haven’t had any issue doing this.

   4. iPad and portable chargers and let her watch as much as she wants.

   5. I would not expect her to fall asleep right away, even if the flight is at her normal bedtime. It usually takes my kids some time to fall asleep because business class (and economy on many airlines) does a full meal dinner service on red eye flights. Not that you or your daughter has to eat, but you will have 1-2 hours of flight attendants clanging around in the aisles before it gets quiet and dark. I think whether they will allow you to lie with her in her seat depends on the flight attendants. Technically the answer is she is supposed to stay in her own seat the entire time (with you in your own seat), but sometimes they do not mind. I would try to create little cozy area for her in her seat. Bring a couple stuffies and a small blanket from home, but otherwise go in with low expectations and just hope for the best.

      1. In business class, the meal service is much quicker than in economy because it’s a smaller cabin and they have a higher flight attendant:seat ratio. It’s still a valid point that you don’t go to sleep as soon as you get on the plane, but the service is a LOT faster up front. The faster meal service is is actually the main reason business class is worth it to me. I can sleep fine in an upright seat if I take melatonin, but the combined dinner and breakfast meal service takes up almost half the flight time in economy (especially on an east coast-Europe red-eye). Even if I’m at the front of the economy cabin and get my meal done with quickly, the flight attendants are still moving around have lights on for another hour or more serving the rest of the economy cabin, and that isn’t an issue in business.

         1. Hmm. We fly business class with our kids to Europe quite often (husband’s family lives there), and though possibly faster than economy, I still find that dinner service in business class is still painful when you are trying to get a toddler to sleep… YMMV.

            1. It definitely still takes an hour or so to eat dinner in business, but economy can take double that, easily, for them to finish serving the people all the way in the back. And the breakfast service is twice as long as well. In economy, meal service really does cut the ~8 hour flight time almost in half.

               You can also choose to skip the meal and I find the service in business a lot less disruptive than in economy because they don’t have the carts, etc. If I’m not eating, I normally sleep through it (especially breakfast), whereas in economy I wake up as soon as they bring out the rattling carts.

            2. True story – my elementary school aged kids did not sleep a wink during a transatlantic overnight trip in business class with lie flat seats because there were food options every hour including many desserts and they didn’t want to miss any of them! We all survived but it was a rough first day.

7. Trying again without the forbidden word.

   Tips for an overnight flight with a 2yo? We got lay flat seats hoping she’ll sleep but worried about the lights bothering her. Will they let her lay with me? Anything else that might help?

8. I know this has been discussed before, but I have about two months off between jobs. Anything I should be doing?! My workout routine is good, closets are already purged/organized, and I have a list of books. Plan on enjoying some yoga, kayaking with the dog, but anything else you wish you would have done with a long break?

   1. I took a quick trip away (only two nights) when I had two weeks in between jobs. It was the end of June, so I went to the beach. It was nice for me to always get away from the feeling like I had to be constantly in prep mode for my next job (cleaning, purging, batch cooking, etc). Or if you don’t want to go away, finding some touristy things in your area that you can do during the day when they’re less crowded.

   2. Travel if you can. Specifically, I would spend time visiting friends and family in places I don’t often get to.

   3. Definitely travel if you can swing it financially! I also took some time to work on more time intensive hobbies I always push off when working, like baking croissants or writing a novel. And I spent time as a tourist in my own city, visiting restaurants, museums, and neighborhoods I wanted to try or see again. That and making more time to see friends and family ate up a lot of my time!

   4. two months! Plan some travel! Being able to totally unplug – without anyone chasing you – is the dream.

   5. When I was in this spot, I took on a volunteering gig planning a big event for a charity. Still have fond memories of that stint.

   6. I really enjoyed doing some daytime volunteer work that I’d always wanted to do, but couldn’t during the work day. Doing that helped get me started and now I volunteer more frequently during evenings/weekends and find it really sustaining.

   7. Vacation/travel, adventures near home, museum days on uncrowded weekdays – anything but chores and organizing!

   8. When I was in that position, I put the things I wanted to do sprinkled on random days on the calendar to make sure I actually did them, even if they were things that don’t in theory need scheduling, like a specific hike.

   9. I know everyone says you should do all the things – but honestly, I would spend most of my time relaxing. Take advantage of it while you can.

      1. Especially with the weather warming up. Nothing feels better than a sunshine nap with the windows open.

   10. +1 to travel. I spent three weeks travelling between jobs and was so grateful for the time to be present without worrying about emails.

   11. Meet up with as many local friends and family as possible.

   12. Travel, but somewhere relaxing, like all-inclusive resort, spa or yoga retreat. I went to an adults only all-inclusive in Cancun after leaving a toxic job and it was the most restorative week.

9. I feel like some form this of question gets asked a lot, so apologies if this gets an eye roll for semi-repeating, but….what are your best recommendations for NYC with a 7 and 9 year old? Activities/shows/restaurants? Both obvious and (hopefully some) more obscure? Anything we should be reserving/booking now for end of May? We are staying near Times Square, will probably mostly stick to Manhattan, but can venture elsewhere for something super compelling. We’re pretty good at and adventurous with restaurants so they can be nice and don’t have to be “kid focused”, but recs for those are welcome too. I go to New York a decent amount for work but have never gone with kids. I know I can source a lot of this online but that gets a little overwhelming with all the options, so I’m hoping the wise hive can help. Thank you!!

   1. Statue of liberty and/or governor’s island ferry, coney island, central park, museum of natural history, aladdin on broadway, are all places I’d take my 7 and 10 year olds in the spring. Caveat that I grew up in an NYC suburb where my parents still live and live outside Boston so NYC isn’t a once-and-done adventure for us. We’re doing a trip in May as well but staying with my parents and taking the train in for the day.

   2. American Girl store is really fun for little girls.

   3. More obscure, but Steve Cohen’s Chamber Magic at the Palace Hotel is one of the most fun things I’ve ever done in NY. Even my husband liked it and the kids in the audience were mesmerized.

   4. The Intrepid has been a big hit with all the boys in my family. The NYC Zoo is fun and an easy add on to a day exploring central park. The Natural History Museum is awesome but gets SO busy – buy tickets in advance and line up ahead of opening hours. If you think the kids would enjoy the view taking the subway to lower Manhattan in the afternoon, walking over the Brooklyn Bridge and then having pizza/exploring the promenade at sunset could be nice! You could also do the Staten Island Ferry to see the Statue of Liberty (don’t get off, just ride it both ways) and then have dinner in Chinatown.

      1. Natural History Museum was my absolute favorite place in NYC as a kid, so definitely second that

         1. We just went to NYC on spring break and even our 16-year-old loved the Natural History Museum. He remembered tons of stuff from the Night at the Museum movies he watched as a little kid.

   5. My kid is really into history so the Statue of Liberty/ Ellis Island were big hits with her. We didn’t do the full Statue of Liberty tour because tickets were all sold out by the time we decided to go, so I would plan better next time.
      I think next time we go to NYC, I would also book at Tenement Museum Tour.

   6. The intrepid and the Nat history museum

   7. My biggest advice would be to not stay near Times Square, honestly. If you can change that, I would. If you can’t, it’s fine – just much harder to navigate with kids.

      AMNH no intrepid are fun – and both easy from Times Sq.
      you can also take a circle line cruise or – better yet – a ferry to get in the sights from the water. google for best route options.

      TKTS booth has day of or next day matinee theater tix. download their app for what’s available and try to use the non-Times Sq. location because the lines are infinitely worse in Times Sq. (I think Lincoln center has one and it’s easy to get to from Times Sq.).

      If your kids are into Lego’s or Harry Potter, go to Madison Square Park for both stores – and then have lunch at the original Shake Shack (outside) or Eataly after (the past bar is fun with kids because they can watch them make the pasta).

      1. *that should be “and Intrepid”…

         Also, if you go to the Lower East Side, make sure to take the kids to Economy Candy and either Katz’s or the Russ & Daughters cafe. The train museum in Brooklyn is fun if your kids like subway stuff. The Museum of the City of NY is great if they are into that sort of stuff.

         If you post any specific interests, happy to make additional recommendations.

   8. Go to the top of the World Trade Center and take the Staten Island ferry around the statute of liberty

      If you go to the Intrepid, you can also rent bikes and ride up and down the west side bike path. You could stop at little island, hudson yards, etc.

   9. Also, check out what museums require advanced tickets. The Met does not but the Natural History Museum does. You may not be able to get your preferred time if you just look for tix the day before.

10. I’m about halfway through a year-long voluntary, coveted leadership program that takes me out of the office for three full, consecutive business days per month. The program expects zero cell phone use during the day, other than half an hour at lunch and during the break between session and dinner. It is so hard to be gone. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I’m a senior associate trying to make partner Jan. 1 at a regional midlaw firm. I know the program is helping me build connections and the firm “supports” it, but partners expect me to return calls and emails. My out of office says that I do not have phone or email access during business hours, and I am doing my absolute best to at least confirm receipt and get back to people between 5p and the group dinners (6:30-9p) but I can’t give substantive answers. Any tips for how to word my voicemail message, email out of office, prepping people? I want to finish the program but I’m struggling with expectations.

    1. I think you need to give more context in your OOO. Lots of people put up that sort of OOO but actually do respond to certain people with priority – they use it as defense against low priority chatter while away. I would say something like “I am in all-day meetings with a no-device policy April 11-13. I will triage messages during breaks when possible.”

       For vm I would just tell the people the same thing but to email you – then it’s one less inbox to monitor closely.

       Ahead of time, if people are familiar with the program, you need to remind them “hey, my monthly ‘dead zone’ window is coming up – is there anything I can get ahead of since I will be so inaccessible?”

       1. Good suggestions. I’d also make sure that there are “in case of emergencies” designees (probably associates/junior people who can run triage) on your cases/deals who are familiar with the client and that the client knows to contact when something’s urgent & you’re in your dead zone window.

       2. Agree with above. Also, if you can have it in your OOO in advance, that may help a bit. I have a contractor who takes a few weeks off once a year. He mentions this period in his signature in the weeks leading up and I always appreciate it since it’s a reminder of when I need to hustle to get him before he goes.

    2. What do people do when they’re in court all day?

       1. Honestly, check email/texts constantly unless i’m actively questioning a witness. I forgot my mobile hotspot for court out of town last week and it was rough.

    3. Could you put for internal OOO replies the name of the program you are absent for? Partners won’t necessarily remember why you are unavailable on a random day without the memory jog but then might think, oh, right, Kate is out at Leadership X and understand why you are unavailable.

       Also be a little less hard on yourself! Building business also takes time, and most answers do not need to be provided in 5 minutes.

    4. Frankly, as a lawyer in a firm I would ignore it and check your messages. That’s the kind of thing program organizers say but no partner actually believes.

       1. Yeah, is anyone actually going to be staying off their phones all day? I doubt it.

       2. +2. This seems not realistic for a senior associate trying to make partner.

       3. I run leadership development programs (not for lawyers) and while I say things like “please put your phones and devices away during class,” I know that realistically, for our higher-level people, that’s not going to happen and can’t happen because of the nature of their work. If someone is constantly on their phone, never paying attention, and not participating in activities because of their phone use, I’ll say something. However, if I see someone’s phone use spill over a bit from break, or I see someone step out to take a call once or twice a day, I assume it’s necessary.

          I do think it’s worth the OP using a better OOO message, leveraging her backup people as much as she can, and maybe talking to a trusted mentor or friend who might be able to run interference for her when she’s at the program. I know for the programs I run, they are expensive to the company and the company doesn’t make the decision to send people without serious consideration. OP should definitely talk to the program organizers before dropping out – sometimes there’s a reach-out I can make, or a conversation I can have, to get people breathing room to participate in the sessions without constantly being pulled back into their phones.

       4. I agree. Let’s circle back to Tradwick… would Trad follow the rules exactly or would Trad do what’s best for Trad to make partner?

       5. Or don’t, because nobody is really that special. If her peers aren’t doing it, neither should she.

    5. Do you have a partner who can defend you on this? Like if your practice group is has recurring meetings they could stand up and say, “just a reminder, Kate will be participating in this prestigious leadership program on April XX-YY, and will have very limited availability during that time. It’s an awesome opportunity, we’re really excited for her and this will help the firm” or something to indicate that the firm is supporting you and that you need to focus during those days.

       1. I’d think this is unlikely. “Prestige” is made up for anything like this and partners are more likely to be annoyed at OP’s failure to respond to clients. OP, if you’re looking to make partner, you figure out how to be responsive without shifting the burden to someone else.

          1. This kind of buy-in to law firm BS is why it will exist forever.
             Teamwork is actively discouraged.

    6. I’m at a UK centric firm so expectations may be different, but I would have a trusted peer/partner/ junior associate run interference (and expect to repay the favour when they were on holiday etc.). I would brief them on my current matters and give them my personal phone number/ask them to email me with URGENT in header or similar if there was something that really needed my personal attention.

    7. I am not clear on whether you aim to respond to time sensitive items that night, or after the three days are over. If you can include something like ‘please expect my response to your inquiry after-hours’ plus designate a contact for true emergencies, maybe that would help. If you tell them to just wait for three days, that doesn’t seem like a good system.

11. Would love any tips for what products or routines y’all use to stay smelling good and staying dry during the day. I recently purchased Lume solid deodorant and the Brazilian bum bum cream. I haven’t noticed that Lume is as great as the reviews on Caphill Style. The bum bum cream has a strong shea butter fragrance. Interested in hearing what y’all are using.

    1. Real antiperspirant/deodorant. I like dove clinical

    2. For me, wearing natural fibers makes a big difference.

    3. What are your problem areas? I read a dermatologist recommendations to wash armpits with benzoyl peroxide facewash (that I already had on hand for acne) and it was life changing in regards to stopping the odor causing bacteria. I don’t even wear deodorant anymore. I find deodorant just covers smells, it doesn’t stop them. The benzoyl peroxide on armpits plus the lume body wash on more sensitive areas has been fantastic.

       1. There have been a few studies about how acids are great for ‘natural’ deodarants. I enjoy Tracy’s skincare content in general, and thought this was a pretty great explainer: https://www.racked.com/2018/2/20/17021612/natural-deodorant-acid

       2. Thank you so much – I am definitely going to try this! That is exactly my problem and I am going to the drugstore today. Appreciate it!

       3. I also don’t wear deodorant or antiperspirant and I don’t smell. I sweat!! But I don’t smell. It took a while after I stopped using it for me to be in the “safe” zone, but now I don’t have to do anything!

    4. I use rose and cinnamon body spray. Only natural fibres. Gold bond powder on skin where needed.

    5. The Brazilian bum bum cream is my favorite. I am always amazed at the lasting power.

    6. Anti-perspirant makes me sweat more so I don’t use it, just deodorant. Also +10000000000 to natural fibers. Polyester is a recipe for bad BO. I also need to shower in the morning or I just immediately get sweaty. I don’t know why, it’s like it resets my body’s temperature or something.

    7. Perspirex Comfort roll on every night before bed, regular deodorant/antiperspirant during the day. I prefer Dove spray deodorant but happy to use whatever I have on hand that smells nice as the Perspirex does most of the heavy lifting.

       1. Thank you! Just ordered this and I am going to CVS to get some Stridex pads too! Excited to try the ideas that all of you have shared!

12. Thanks to the poster who recommended private eldercare consultants yesterday. I have long-distance older parents, currently both sentient and healthy. But they are old enough that that won’t be forever, so this makes me feel better about living far away. The stated plan is that when there is only one of them (or only one is sentient), they should consider a move closer to me. One parent would be eager (but need help emptying a house). The other parent would likely want to go through all of his stuff and never actually make the move (so would either need lots of help staying on task or someone to stop in to make sure he is doing life tasks like laundry and grocery shopping and that the mail isn’t piling up).

    1. I hope the consultants are helpful.

       I don’t think “sentient” is what you mean here; maybe you mean alert or mentally competent or lucid?

       1. Or maybe just “unimpaired”?

       2. (Also, maybe you are realistic about how things go in your family, but people do live whole lives without suffering any of the medical conditions that cause dementia. Risk increases with age, but age itself doesn’t necessitate mental confusion. I understand it is wise to plan for this eventuality though since medicine hasn’t made much progress on these conditions.)

    2. UK advice. Get a power of attorney while they are still healthy. Financial, medical etc.

13. Mid-50s here, Southern California childhood. We never used sunscreen except for the once or twice a year visit to the beach. I usually wore t-shirts with sleeves –so now the most visible damage is on my forearms. Not on my hands or face, thankfully, just the forearms.

    Any recommendations for a lotion or ingredient to help with the crepey, mottled look? It just hit in the last couple of months. TIA!

    1. CeraVe in the tub for temporary moisturization. Are you wearing sunscreen religiously now?

       You can buy body lotions with retinoids (youth bomb body from Beauty Pie comes to mind) but I’d only apply those at night and they require dedicated sunscreen usage during the day. There are also vitamin C lotions but those are more likely to help with discoloration. However, they supposedly make your sunscreen more effective.

    2. maybe try a gentle acid?

14. Argh, I just got back from vacation late last night and I’d arranged to take today off – just coming in for a quick review of mail and calls, and let my secretary handle anything coming in today. I’d checked last night and was feeling pretty on top of things, so of course as soon as I get here I get four urgent calls about new matters and found out my secretary’s running late, so I have to stick around until she gets here.

    1. What this is so insane. You took the day off. Why are you there in person? Is this a pre internet alternate reality?!

       1. Agreed. If you took the day off, take the day off!! Don’t go into the office.

15. Would you want to know if your husband cheated? I dated someone a year and a half ago for about 5 months. There was gardening involved. We parted on friendly terms because he got a job out of state, and he told me to look him up if he was ever in town. I’m traveling to his city and googled him to see what he’s up to, and I was surprised to see that a work profile of him mentioning his wife and daughter. The accompanying photo showed a girl who looks about 10, so it seems pretty clear he was cheating while we dated.

    I’m feeling hurt. He knew I had been cheated on, which ended my past serious relationship. In that case, the woman my ex was seeing actually reached out to me when she realized he was married. I was actually grateful she told me. I wasn’t angry at her, and I ended the relationship with him.

    I never thought I’d be in the same situation. I recognize it’s different because time has passed. I’m torn about reaching out to her. I was glad someone told me, but I know she may not feel the same. Maybe she knows he is going outside the marriage, but he represented himself as single with no kids, so I doubt it.

    I’m not going to do anything while I feel emotional, because I also think some of my anger is about being cheated on, and then lied to and made into “the other woman”. I’m going to talk about this in therapy, but I appreciate any feedback on next steps. I have decided not to confront him because he’s shown himself to be a liar, and I don’t want to fight with him.

    If you’re curious – I never went to his house. This was during COVID. He claimed his elderly high-risk parents were visiting from another country and got stuck in the US, and they weren’t vaxxed yet so he couldn’t bring anyone home. He also lived an hour away but worked in my city, so we would go out to dinner and on dates in the city after his work. He did spend the night with me. I thought it was a little odd, but it seemed reasonable that he wanted to protect his parents. He is from a culture where parents often live with their kids in intergenerational households, so it didn’t raise immediate red flags.

    1. I wouldn’t reach out now. One of my friend’s husband cheats on her often. She hates when ladies find her and e-mail her at work. It was a long time ago, block him and move on.

    2. I was going to say the work profile was probably just out of date until I got to the part about you never going to his house. It does sound like he cheated, but I would not contact the wife. Sorry you were put in this situation.

    3. I would let her know because I am petty AF, but realistically it’s probably better not to stir up drama. Maybe a text letting him know you found out would satisfy if you simply must say something.

    4. Girl, no. Don’t cause trouble like this. Not your circus. The daughter could be hers from a prior marriage, they could have separated, etc. you really don’t know. Take the experience as something to maybe learn from next time.

       1. Yep, how do you know this is his daughter? It could be a daughter from a previous marriage or a step-child. Just stay out of it and don’t cause drama.

       2. +1!!!

       3. I agree that she shouldn’t tell the wife, but I’m not sure what lesson OP needs to take from this. Demand a home visit at the 3 month mark? If I was dating someone for five months, even casually, it wouldn’t cross my mind that they might be married.

          1. +1 I don’t see how OP is to blame here at all.

          2. Yeah, I meant more if there are flags while dating, listen to them. Not going to someone’s house in 5 months is sus. But don’t do anything now!

             1. Ah, gotcha.
                OP, the dude’s a turd, and I’m sorry this happened to you!

       4. Amen.

    5. I have a feeling I will be an outlier on this but I would not want the woman to approach me, and overall I would not want to know. I think different people are going to approach this different, but it’s long enough ago that it just seems like meddling to get involved now.

       I mean in a year and a half – he could have met a single mother, got married, and now in a work profile mention a wife and daughter. It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

       1. I agree with this. I would absolutely not want someone to approach me out of the blue about an affair a year and a half ago.

    6. If by during COVID you mean 2020, that was three years ago. A lot can happen in three years. And as others have stated, that may not be his child. We always want to jump to the negative. He may have been exactly as he presented himself.

       1. She said it was a year and a half ago so sounds like summer/fall 2021? People could generally get vaccinated but a lot of people were still being cautious, and if his parents weren’t residents it’s plausible they would have still be waiting on vaccines.

    7. If you do contact her I would be clear about the time frame involved (incase it it is indeed a step-daughter or they were separated during the time involved etc etc). Otherwise, if I were her, I would want to know.

    8. OP here- I appreciate all the perspectives! The daughter looks a lot like him, and he is a different race than his wife. Its possible she is a stepdaughter, but my assumption is a biological kid.

       1. I know you got a lot of one-sided answers early on but please be aware that plenty of us would want to have this information.

    9. As the wife, I would want to know about this kind of relationship, but in your shoes I would not contact her. Too much risk of the wife taking her anger out on you. Even if you tell anonymously, the wife may confront him and get your name from him and then she could potentially contact your employer and friends/family, etc. It’s just not something I’d want to risk personally even though as the wife I’d want to know.

       1. This is where I land too. I’d want to know if I were her, but I wouldn’t take any action if I were you.

       2. This would be my line of thinking as well.

       3. +3

    10. Well, I have no qualms about lying to a liar, so I might message him pretending you don’t know about his wife & seeing if he wants to meet up. Maybe even refer to the nights spent at your place. Either he’ll tell you about his new marriage (and you’ll be relieved) or he’ll incriminate himself by replying in a way that gives you evidence to report to his wife. Obviously don’t follow through with meeting up.

        1. Why though? Are you in a Bravo show?

           1. Ha! Seriously, though, who wants to create this much drama for themselves?

           2. Cuz it takes 5 minutes and you have your answers & no one’s left wondering about it. Easy to keep it moving & not venture into endless spirals of “what ifs”.

              1. I kind of love this…and agree wouldn’t actually do anything with the info, but just to have. And of course block him after ASAP.

    11. I’m the outlier here, but I would absolutely want to know so I could get divorced.

        1. Yeah, I’d want to know from a health perspective – I’m assuming you did Safe Things ™ but guys who cheat often aren’t the type who are always safe about said stuff.

           1. The red flag is that he told you that you could not come to his house because his parents were medically vulnerable to COVID. If they were medically vulnerable, then he should not have been meeting you anywhere, whether his house or yours or a third space — except maybe outdoors, after you both tested negative, with masks. I am medically vulnerable, and that is what we do to protect me. He is a lying liar.

              1. I think the guy cheated, but this explanation isn’t the silver bullet you seem to think it is. Different vulnerable people have different comfort levels and there are plenty of people who don’t want a stranger in their home but would be ok with their younger household member living less cautiously. I think it’s weird to assume your protocols are everyone’s protocols. For reference, my elderly parents are still super locked down – they wear masks everywhere and see no one except my family indoors without masks. My family (me, husband, kids) is cautious compared to many, we wear masks in most public places, but we see friends indoors w/o masks and our kids are mask-free at school. We see my parents daily. It’s not perfect, there’s definitely some risk to my parents via our family but it’s better than nothing because we test and isolate from my parents immediately when we became sick. We’re all comfortable with reducing their exposure even if we don’t eliminate it. We had to find a balance that allows my kids’ grandparents to be in their lives and keep them as safe as possible, while also recognizing that my kids are low risk and need some elements of normalcy. Also back in 2021 there was more awareness and notification of Covid exposure, and the less cautious household members could have proactively isolated after exposure. Fwiw, my husband did have Covid about six months ago and no one else in the household got it, so household transmission is not inevitable and taking precautions yourself has value even if not everyone in your household is taking the same precautions.

        2. Me too.

        3. Yes! Shocked by these responses. I would 1000% want to know and I can’t think of many of my friends who wouldn’t also want to know in this situation.

    12. This is a tough one – I don’t think you can base it on what the wife would want, because you don’t (and can’t) know. Personally, I would lean towards telling her, because I think that to do otherwise is to deny her agency to make informed decisions, and I don’t agree with making those sorts of decisions for other people. It’s possible they were separated, on a break, etc., they weren’t even together then, or they have an open relationship – in which case, no harm, no foul in letting her know. But if he was dating you, he might also have been dating other people, and she deserves to know whether she should get a STI test.

        As someone currently going through a divorce because my spouse cheated on me last year though, I am certainly biased. I don’t fault the other women – he told them we were in an open relationship, they had no reason to suspect otherwise. But it sucks.

        1. I disagree it’s no harm no foul. You have no idea what is going on in their relationship. For all OP knows, the wife is aware already, they’ve worked through the issue and OP reaching out is re-opening a recently healed wound.

           All that to say, it doesn’t matter whether the wife wants to know or not.

           OP I would not reach out. There is really no upside to you and a lot of potential downside and drama. Who knows how the wife (or the man) may react. You said he’s a liar, do you really want to see if he’s a spiteful liar, too? Or if she will take it out on you? Or if he’ll deny it and make up some story about you? Too much to risk here if I were in your shoes. Block, ignore, delete. Talk to your therapist but don’t invite more drama or mental energy into your life for this guy who seems terrible. I’m sorry you are in this position.

           1. This sounds like a Dateline waiting to happen. Be glad you know now and step happily away from any unneeded drama.

    13. I would want to know, but that’s irrelevant to what you should do in this situation. Unless you want to break up their marriage so you can have him all to yourself (and what a prize!), don’t bother to re-involve yourself. Ghost him, live your best life, and let him live his crappy and dishonest one.

        1. “Ghost him, live your best life, and let him live his crappy and dishonest one.”

           THIS.

        2. This is the best advice on this thread!

        3. WOW someone else has my same screenname. I don’t comment often (every so often over the past few years) so I’m not quite sure I can “claim” it. However, I ironically have the exact opposite view and feel that an anonymous tip to the wife would be the most socially responsible thing to do.

           I can understand why people feel differently though. Wishing you all the best, op.

    14. I think your instinct to protect the wife is good. But unfortunately you don’t know enough about this guys marriage to know if his dating you was a problem or not. And also you may not be the right messenger. The suck of it is that while this hoard debates whether you should do the thing a potentially scummy guy walks around with exactly no consequences to his potential bad actions. And if he has cheated and got away with it once, what’s to stop him from doing it again? Not your job to police his actions. But the complete lack of consequences to him while you are left to deal is not fair.
        If you contact him and he starts talking to you, you could ask him about his relationship and remove some of the unknowns from this situation. Your motivation to tell the wife or not may be an easy choice depending on how he answers your questions.

    15. It doesn’t seem like you really want to help the wife. It seems like you want vengeance. So your motivation is about you. Be angry but don’t bring another victim into this.

        1. + 1

        2. This! Which is also I think motivating most of the answers here, frankly.

           1. Yeah, it’s okay to want vengeance on guys like this! If I were the wife who was cheated on (if that’s what actually happened), I’d want vengeance too.

    16. I would not want to know. This is far more about the teller wanting to feel good than for the one being told.

16. TW: pregnancy termination

    Good morning. I’ve posted a couple times before about helping a refugee friend of mine obtain an abortion, and I wanted to update the hive, especially in light of last week’s court decisions.

    I “adopted” a refugee family shortly after they arrived in the US last fall. (For those wondering, they are legal refugees approved by USCIS with green cards.) The father and mother are devoted, loving parents to 5 wonderful children, ages 2-12. They were surprised to learn last fall that they were expecting another baby. They are in dire financial straits as they work to get their feet under them in a new, foreign land. They arrived here with only what fit in a few suitcases and their financial resources exhausted from travel. The old adage about not having two nickels to rub together applies to this family for sure.

    At the 22 week ultrasound, they discovered that the baby had severe, life-limiting defects. If circumstances were better, perhaps they could have met the child’s lifelong mental and physical needs, but not while they’re teetering on the edge of poverty with 5 other children.

    Here’s what I’ve learned in this sad process:

    1. Even doctors don’t know what our abortion laws are. The OB who did the ultrasound said there are only 3 states that will perform abortions this late, and that the closest one to us is Kansas. We’re in NoVa and DC does them up to 31 weeks. (I’m somewhat suspicious as to whether the doctor was trying to steer them toward keeping the pregnancy.)
    2. Late abortions are expensive. This procedure was $10,800.
    3. But a spectacular network of grants – provided by donations from people like the women on this board – made it possible for this family to afford it. The National Abortion Hotline provided all the funding for this.
    4. The Brigid Alliance provided free accommodations. Even though we live just 30 minutes from the clinic, it’s important in case of emergency that we stayed right beside the clinic for this 2-day procedure. The hotel next door is $250/night and the Brigid Alliance paid for that and for parking. As more women have to travel for these procedures as red states outlaw them, the Brigid Alliance’s funding will be even more needed for airfare, rental cars, taxis, etc.
    5. Virginia Medicaid will pay for abortions in cases of a) rape or incest b) life of the mother c) “incapacitating physical deformity or mental deficiency as certified by a physician.” The defects of this baby did not rise to this statutory level. Your state may vary.
    6. The DC clinic that treated my friend recently opened a newly enlarged office as nice as any spa I’ve ever been to. The staff is caring and supportive. They said the new clinic more than doubled in size compared to the previous one as more women are traveling to them for the procedure. In fact, my friend had to wait 3 weeks for an opening because they were booked – pushing her pregnancy to an advanced 26 weeks.
    7. “Late-term abortions” is a loaded phrase. I’m deeply religious myself and had thought in the past that maybe the 15-week bans, etc, being discussed wouldn’t be so bad. But seeing this heartbreaking situation up close – and knowing that this family had no way of knowing about these defects until an ultrasound past the dates being discussed by some politicians – has settled my views on the matter.
    8. Unrelated to the above, our immigration and social services systems are a wreck. We can and must do better.

    Thank all of you who make donations that help women afford these procedures. Thank you from me, thank you from the family. This is one of the hardest chapters in their lives, and at least they didn’t have a financial burden. Thank you so very much. Thank you.

    PS – thank you to the two Muslim posters who volunteered to contact liberal clerics re: prayers for the baby’s burial. The parents decided to go with a smaller complement of prayers and pray-ers than would normally be used, and the small circle of friends supporting this family can meet that need.

    PPS – we were fortunate to find a local charity that pays for the funerals of stillborn, miscarried, and (in limited circumstances) aborted babies. Their baby will be buried Friday in a beautiful, peaceful cemetery.

    1. Thank you for your post and your work. Thinking about the complexity of the situation you described and how many aspects of this woman’s life it affects, I’m reminded why I believe so strongly in fighting for women’s rights to abortion. Abortion restrictions aren’t just an attack on women during pregnancy – they’re an attack on women throughout their lifecourses. Young girls getting their first periods realize they are entering a world where forced pregnancy is a risk (what could dispense with childhood freedom faster?). Younger women dating post-college must navigate contraception, knowing the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been and that condom failure is not an option. Older women who are near menopause and dealing with autoimmune problems may suddenly find they can no longer get methotrexate. Immigrant women dealing with challenges many here will never even realize must navigate a system with barriers at every turn – and barriers that don’t need to be there. Abortion bans are designed to make all women live in fear, because even women who never become pregnant still have a relationship to pregnancy (preventing it, fearing it, planning for it), and anti-abortion zealots know that. We must fight with all we have.

    2. Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for all of your wonderful efforts to help this needy family.

       I hope that everyone on this board will continue to share these stories and what they learn as they navigate women’s health issues.

    3. It’s so true people and doctors don’t understand how restrictive these laws are. I work and live in a blue city/ red state and advise hospitals and providers regularly on this. When I explain well-meaning friends on both sides of the aisle how restricted their choices actually are under the written law, not just what the standard lie of “health of the mother” covers up, they are shocked. Thank you for your work on this and for spreading the word on what is the reality of these difficult circumstances.

    4. Your story as you’ve shared it before, and the update you provided today brought tears to my eyes.
       Thank you, OP, for all you’ve done for this family. May we all strive to be as compassionate.

    5. Thank you so much, both for helping and for sharing.
       Pregnancies are complicated and different for everyone and no good comes of having state or federal lawmakers – politicians! not doctors! – try to make laws that don’t take medical realities into account (and there are so many medical pathways that NO law could ever take them all into account!) which is why we should not have the state weighing in at all on specifics of abortion care.

    6. As an immigrant long ago who was in a very difficult situation, but not comparable, thank you for what you did and do. At the time, I would have given almost anything for a similar friend in need. And the experience still lingers.

    7. Thank you for sharing, and for everything you have done and are doing for this family. I have a monthly donation in place to my state’s abortion fund and am so glad to hear of these funds helping women who need them.

    8. Thank you for continuing to share this story. I hope the family finds peace and happiness.

17. Can anyone tell me how to dress myself? I work from home and primarily wear casual clothes. Just turned 40 and am working on closing a diastasis – I’m about a size 8 but apple shaped. I’m not used to dressing this shape at all. Everything I try on seems to make me look pregnant or looks too big. Are there certain stores that cut to this shape better?

    1. I’m apple shaped and in the summer, I wear a lot of dresses. Fit & flare and A-line styles that are fitted under the bust and then loose over my belly work best for me. I have a lot of that style from Land’s End. I also like the Old Navy jersey swing dresses, but not sure if they are making those any more. Shift dresses and wrap dresses just cling to my belly so I don’t like those.

       I haven’t tucked in a top in years. I also have a short torso so a lot of regular rise pants are already a bit high rise on me. I feel comfortable in those b/c it feels like it holds my tummy in place. I wear longer shirts that cover the waist band. At home, I wear a lot of leggings and sweatshirts. Today I’m wearing jeans and a long sleeve knit shirt that hits a little below my hips.

       1. +1 to dresses. I find that a cardigan or jacket helps take the attention away from my (four years) postpartum belly and gives me a bit of shape. I‘ve given up on pants except yoga pants or anything with a wide stretchy waistband. I’ll wear leggings underneath if I’m going to be super active and don’t want to flash anyone.

    2. What? You can close a diastasis without surgery? Please tell me more!!!

       1. I think most people see results with a qualified pelvic floor physical therapist, though if you have a severe one you might need surgery. Mine has definitely improved. If you don’t want to go to PT there are rehab programs like Restore Your Core or Get Mom Strong that can help. Nourish Move Love on YouTube has some good free DR content – my PT gave me some of her exercises.

18. PSA: if you at a jury trial as an attorney, please wear coordinated clothes in suiting fabric.

    I am in court observing a trial and all the attorneys are wearing full suits except for a young female attorney wearing black leggings and a knit blazer. She really looks like a juror wandered over to the counsel table.

    1. Yowza, that’s a look. Maybe a smoothie overturned in her car ride in and it is the best she could have done under those circumstances? But, seriously, I have the “leggings are not pants discussion” less now since it was in regular rotation in my house over COVID.

       1. WOW. I have been first, second and third chair at trials (including jury trials) in the mid-atlantic (so not as stuffy as I hear the north and south can be) and even when I was the third chair, purely-there-because-of-voluminous-docs/exhibits/etc.-and-basically-acting-as-‘coordinator of all paper’-person, I wore an understated, monochromatic skirt suit with flat shoes, no flashy jewelry, minimal makeup, light to nude lip color, etc., to blend in and not detract from the first and second chair but I definitely still wore a suit/suit separates. Even if the pants weren’t leggings but perhaps ponte/scuba cigarette/tuxedo pants (really stretching and trying here to give the benefit of the doubt), if they can appear to be leggings, its a no go; same with a suit jacket that appears to be a jardigan (or cacket? is there a thing as a “cardigan-jacket” that isn’t already covered by “jacket-cardican” term “jardigan”?).

19. On the west coast so I can’t always get the timing right here and may repost later but- are there jobs that exist that are both very interesting and varied day to day, AND not highly stressful? I’m in a challenging place where I get bored and depressed if my job feels like I am doing the same thing over and over, but no longer willing to manage all-encompassing work stress. Previously I’ve handled the boredom issue via promotions, and by switching to a related field, but for various reasons I might be looking for the next thing right now and I’m open to switching careers entirely (now or, thinking ahead, as a late-career change).

    1. You might like working for a company that does federal policy research and evaluations for government contracts – sort of like a think tank.

    2. You might benefit from looking at non-work activities that will keep you busy and challenged. You mentioned your late career so assuming the boredom comes from working for many years and very little is “new” anymore. Lean into life….learn to golf, plan trips, cook new recipes, visit new places on the weekends, ramp up your exercise routine and develop new good habits. You don’t have to change careers necessarily.

    3. I wonder how you would feel about mentoring or training others? Sometimes it feels a bit more like staying current, being exposed to some youthful enthusiasm, answering some questions that maybe aren’t anticipated or are being presented to you with a different perspective …

20. Thank you to those of you that weighed in on my question about budgeting for a one-time purchase of a bike last week. Reporting back that I was able to find a great deal on my ideal full-suspension bike for well under $3000, which feels very comfortable. In thinking it over more, I realized that I also wanted to be mindful of the fact that we plan to start TTC this year. I think I would have felt awkward about really going overboard on the price for something that I will not be able to use for most of the pregnancy. I hope to continue cycling on a local rail trail throughout, but you don’t need a full-suspension bike for that :). Thanks again for weighing in.

21. These pants would have been an April Fools post a couple years ago. I just can’t…

    1. I’m sitting this one out. I’ve successfully sat out many trends. In fact, my postpartum belly and I never went low-rise. Ever.

    2. They’re super outdated and not in a fun trendy way.

    3. I actually kind of like this silhouette. For my body shape/height, it works. It’s not for everyone.

       But these pants are essentially skin tight, legging/yoga pants. For the office. That cost hundreds of dollars.

       I know what I’m talking about, as I have bought a different cut of their pants in the same fabric. Definitely not work appropriate for me, unless I work at the gym.

    4. Yes they’re hideous!! I can’t believe no one else commented on them.

    5. oh I’m with all of you. The shine, the seams, the rise, the tightness, the larger-than-cute flare… no.

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