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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A washable silk tee is a fantastic business casual layering piece — you can wear it in place of your favorite cotton tee for a slightly elevated look. This one from M.M.LaFleur is beautifully slouchy without looking sloppy and would tuck nicely into a pencil skirt or a pair of trousers.
The black and pearl colors are great neutrals, but it also comes in a fun black-and-white print.
The blouse is $195–225 at M.M.LaFleur and comes in sizes XS–XXL.
If you're looking for something more affordable, Quince has this washable silk top; it's $49.90 and available in sizes XS–XL.
(Stay tuned for later today when we do a big roundup of the best silk blouses for women!)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
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- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
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- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
Since last night I have been screaming into the void. A dear nonprofit org that I put my heart into has just become a pit of vipers. It makes Succession look professional and not at all toxic. Ugh.
I know what to do: don’t touch the sh*t because it will still be sh*t only now it will be on me. But it is hard to watch people I thought were good people slug it out and snipe at each other.
Cb
Oh no! I’ll join you in the screaming. Someone (too quick to see the license plate) intentionally accelerated at me and my child yesterday, braking a few yards short, and then stopped to yell at me. We had the right away, and were cycling within the laws, etc. but god forbid someone take up space trying to get her kid home safely.
And one of my colleagues who has done barely anything on a project whinged at me about how hard it was to book bus tickets when me and another colleague have managed EVERYTHING else.
Curious
That’s terrifying, Cb.
Cb
I held it together for my kid but then cried in the kitchen while he played with my husband upstairs.
Seventh Sister
I am so sorry. How scary.
FormerlyPhilly
Do you have a role on the board? Do you contribute money every year? Are you a volunteer who, through your connections, brings in money every year? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you may be able to pivot your anger/annoyance/hurt into action that helps the nonprofit return to its brighter days.
Cat
are you the one that was complaining awhile back about the secret board ouster and behind-the-scenes drama where people expected favors? Feel your disappointment but move on.
Anon
It’s not at all surprising that more than one person would encounter a situation like this and even post about it here.
Anon
I used to work in a courthouse overseeing small estates. I’m sure some were administered smoothly, but if you look at the ones that run off the rails, it is amazing how much people will fight when nothing of real value is at stake. Amazing in a really disheartening way. I think every lunch I had to go outside and clear my head with a walk. [We also had guardianships and a lot of other weighty things to deal with.]
Anonymous
In my experience as an estate/trust accountant, the smaller the estate, the more the vitriol among the relatives.
Anon
In my experience as an estate and trust accountant, the smaller the estate, the more insanely everyone acts.
Seventh Sister
Also going to scream into the void. Someone who is unhappy with my spouse about a proposed change to traffic flow in my town decided to publicly and specifically threaten the lives of my kids last night. Didn’t have “file a police report” in my list of things I planned to do in 2023.
Anon.
WTH?!
So scary, and sorry you have to go through this.
Cb
Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry! People are awful, there’s this weird radicalisation around pedestrianisation etc.
Seventh Sister
Y’all are so nice – thank you so much for responding! I feel pretty shaken up about the whole thing.
pugsnbourbon
WTF? That’s horrible! What is WRONG with people???
Seventh Sister
In this case, I think it’s testosterone poisoning. I am ALL DONE with men right now.
Anon.
My mantra in those cases is: Invest your time and emotion into things where you can move the needle or have some control over. For everything else, if it’s outside your control, let it go. Or rather, let it go after voicing your anger exactly ONCE.
Anon
I thought about rage-quitting an org I had done a lot to help after it ran off the rails. I then reconsidered — you can’t reason with people who are crazy. Instead, I started with doing exactly nothing and seeing how that felt for me (great) and if there wasn’t any horrified realization that they had lost their rudder (a bit). I have started doing some targeted projects that I enjoy and can ensure get done right and as intended and no more. Just unsubscribe to the crazy if you can dial it way back.
Nesprin
Also screaming.
Dear clueless male senior manager,
I am a scientist, not a secretary, and I am emphatically not your secretary.
Anon
My life as a lady actuary in corporate America.
(I say lady actuary because more than one person actually called me that!)
Ellen
This is the trouble with non-profits. They attract a certain type of people; generally petty with limited intelligence, so that they can make more money then their profit seeking equivalents. I never knew how much the boyfriends get in these places, but it’s greater than they can get in Wendy’s slinging hash all day. Plus, women fawn over men in non-profits, even though many of the men are not the sharpest knives in the drawer either.
Ellen
They need to wash their feet, at a minimum, 3x a week even if they are wearing crocks or Bierkensticks, and men should wash every night, as my ex’s feet STUNK!
anon
what do people who still go to offices with dress codes where on their feet in this in between weather between boots and sandals? I have a pair of brown sam edelman loafers which i have been wearing weekly and am debating buying them in black as well. I just changed jobs and my old office had a culture of sneakers which my new one does not.
Anokha
I don’t go into the office anymore — but if I did, I would be wearing my Sperry loafers.
Anne-on
+1 – just wore my sperry saybrook loafers in this morning and they were delightfully cushy after having to be in heels yesterday (ugh).
Anon
Loafers, pointy-toe flats, low-top white sneakers.
KJ
Are you asking about shoes for commuting, or wearing in the office?
Anonymous
light-colored boots – taupe, cream, white (whatever works for your coloring)
loafers, oxfords, grown-up mary janes
Anonymous
I wear black flats
Anon
Loafers, mules, closed toe low block heels
PolyD
Oxfords, especially ones with a bit more feminine style and maybe a slight heel.
NYCer
Ballet flats.
Cat
Commuting? Cute sneakers. In the office? Pretty flats.
anon
loafers, rothys
Anon
This time of year is so awkward. For both clothing and shoes the trick is warm pieces in less wintery colors and materials. Depending on your office I like bright or light colored booties. Think tan and white snakeskin instead of black. I’ve been wearing fun booties with midi skirts and sweaters. Blush or tan loafers also work.
Anon
This is when I wear my older black ballet flats that you all say are out of style. If they get messed up in the rain, I won’t be mad. They aren’t slippery, either.
Anonymous
Sandals are never permitted at my workplace (healthcare) so I wear a lot of T strap Mary Janes. I’m aware they are not on style per this board, but they are trendy among my coworkers :).
Anon
I never wore sandals to the office, so my sweet spot was closed toe shoes that were more open than “winter shoes” – d’Orsay flats and similar low heels were a favorite. D’Orsay Mary Jane flats were having a moment in 2019 (the last time I regularly commuted to an office in warm weather) and I bought a lot of those – Mary Jane because I have the kind of feet that will walk right out of certain shoes.
Another thought is low heeled sling backs if you can keep them on your feet (not me)
Anon
I recall a few posters mentioning having an endrometrial ablation, am considering one for heavy periods. Would love to hear experiences and any pros or cons from personal experience. Thanks!
Nylongirl
Hi! One of them was me. Best thing I ever did & did it about 15 years too late. I think they all women should know about it once they are done having kids. Having little to no period is a life-changer. I had no cramping afterwards & took it easy that evening. I was back to 100% the next morning. Very highly recommend!
Anon
I think a risk with an ablation is that it can make it hard to detect uterine cancer. I had heavy periods a few years ago so my memory of this is a bit fuzzy. I had a D&C which took care of the issue. Good luck! I also invested in Knix underwear when I was dealing with this and make sure you are getting enough iron in your diet.
Anon
I asked about it at age 44 and my doc recommended hysterectomy instead because chances were good that the ablation would have to be redone once more before I was through menopause, while obviously a hysterectomy was once and done. I had the hysterectomy and my only regret was not having done it sooner. The heavy periods (and decreasing time between them) was due to pretty bad endometriosis and now it’s all gone. Good riddance!
Anon
My sister got an ablation for heavy periods and to avert a family history of fibroids. Her doctor cautioned her against a hysterectomy since the uterus provides some bladder support and an unneeded hysterectomy could compromise continence. So the went with the ablation as a first try and it worked. For hysterectomy patients, any annecdata on the bladder thing? Were you counseled about that at all? I have a feeling that this is not widely known or shared and would matter to me a ton.
Anon
It was definitely presented as a possible side effect, and was a risk I was willing to take. I’ve had zero bladder issues and am 9 months post-surgery. Given how much my quality of life has improved, I wouldn’t call it an unneeded surgery. I suspect an ablation wouldn’t have resolved all my issues, just the bleeding.
Anon
For my mom, it might have been jumped to prematurely but it was resented as the only relief after yearsa of bleeding to the point of severe anemia and just miserable QOL. It’s not supposed to be a treatment of first resort when a less invasive treatment may work better. It is like sudden full menopause along with recovering from a serious surgery.
Agurk
this is only true if they remove the cervix. if you just remove the uterus there’s no structural issues.
also I had a hysterectomy for adenomyosis and it changed my life.
Anon
Interesting. And as the owner of these parts, why do I not know this?! My structural knowledge is mainly knowing that they are connected (and yet what do you do if you take out the uterus but not the cervix — do you just sew everything really tight?). I guess you can still get cervical cancer if they leave in the cervix (a concern for me — I’ve already done the cone biopsy). The lady parts ruin our lives and then they try to kill us. And I wasn’t even factoring needing Depends.
Anon
A hysterectomy is known to increase your risk of other pelvic organs prolapsing. It is not commonly talked about but it is a real risk factor. I am personally familiar with this topic, unfortunately. About half of women will experience pelvic organ prolapse by the time they’re 80. Some sources publish the rate as much higher. There are a lot of good reasons to have a hysterectomy but the uterus is also an important space-filling organ.
Anon
There are a lot of potential complications of hysterectomy that are underdiscussed.
Obviously some people also have great outcomes, but I would research the heck out of this before I would go ahead.
Agurk
this is the truth. doctors will tell you it’s NBD and they are wrong, particularly if you remove your ovaries as well. some will tell you you don’t even need hormone replacement! nothing makes me angrier than the absolute indifference and ignorance of women’s health providers.
all that being said, for me it was a choice between the risk of future complications from the hysterectomy in the future and the certainly of living a half life of misery now. so not really a choice at all, IMO.
Anon
I agree. It seems to be throwing around really casually sometimes but it is a major surgery with implications for the entire body, especially if ovaries are also removed. Women are not consistently offered hormone replacement therapy and they should be.
Oh so anon
Nearly 15 years after my total hysterectomy (i.e., no cervix, no ovaries), I have had zero continence issues. My doctor recommended against the ablation because he thought I would end up needing several over my lifetime, whereas the hysterectomy was one and done.
Anon
My sister’s last pregnancy included growing a fibroid alongside the baby that at certain points looked like it might get bigger than the baby. After she gave birth they did an ablation, so no more fibroids and no more periods. She is a big fan, as it’s also an added layer of birth control (husband had a vasectomy). Only issue she had is that she went into early menopause (not related to the ablation) and didn’t have the loss of periods to let her know, so she had to have her hormones tested to determine what was causing all of her symptoms.
Anon
I had an ablation in 2016 for fibroids and it was the best decision ever. I was terrified about the recovery, but it ended up being a breeze. I had zero pain and haven’t had any bleeding since. It’s a little weird now that I’m old enough to be in peri-menopause and likely won’t definitively know when I’m in menopause since I won’t know when my menstrual cycles stop, but that’s certainly not terrible, just a bit odd. I would get an ablation again in a heartbeat.
go for it
Does anyone have the Quince silk tee? If so, has it held up well in the laundry? TTS?
anonchicago
I have a few, and yes it holds up well. I wash them on delicate with bras then hang immediately.
I agree with other reviewers that Quince isn’t the best quality though. I like the shirts because they’re thin since I tend to sweat and they look nice under a blazer. I bought a cardigan from Quince and earrings that I was less crazy about.
Anecdata
I have a washable silk button up from quince and it holds up okay, but seconded that something just seems off on the quality. It’s a little thin and shiny and I always worry it looks like pajama top material
anon
Agree re quality — I don’t regret buying it but I don’t seem to reach for it.
Anon
I have the heavy sweatpants because they run short and I’m petite. The material is comfy but it bags a lot in the knees – not the most flattering once that happens.
I bought the cotton fisherman sweater for my grown daughter, though, and it’s very nice. Really like the quality on that one.
Anonymous
I bought it but I regret it. I just found it didn’t fit me well and it was a bit see-through (I got the white/ivory). I have other silk that is dry-clean only I wash in the machine on gentle cycle and these items have performed much better. I really don’t get the Quince love. The items I have purchased have all been disappointing so for me I’d rather pay more and get something that is better quality.
Anonymous
I am not sleeping. I think the main culprit is an extremely upsetting work situation (I’m in healthcare and it’s an actual life/death thing that is sort of ongoing). I already limit caffeine to 2 cups of coffee in the morning, exercise every day, try to get some sun, and take 3mg of melatonin an hour before I want to go to bed. I could probably do better limiting screen time at night. I’ve tried cannabis/cbd before and it makes me anxious. I feel exhausted all day and tired and ready for bed at night but when I lay down to actually sleep, my brain lights up and my heart starts pounding like crazy and I just toss and turn for hours. I have an ambien prescription that I take maybe twice per month and it has always worked pretty reliably, but I took one night before last and was still awake for hours. I have a therapy appointment to discuss the work thing but it’s not for a week. Give me your best tips for sleeping??
Anonymous
Magnesium glycinate, 300-400mg, taken in evening, is supposed to help you stay asleep. I think it works.
anon
I tried Magnesium (not OP), just … beware. The gastrointestinal side effects might be significant. Diarrhea/irregularity… and worse. It is a laxative.
Anonymous
Also depends which type of magnesium you take.
Anon
Did you specifically try magnesium glycinate?
Magnesium oxide is a laxative for sure.
The GI effects of other formulations vary.
Cb
Ok, this is weird but I do this DIY EMDR when I’m having instrusive thoughts at night. I do a body scan from left to right (left temple, right temple, left eyebrow, right eyebrow, and so on) and make sure I’m focusing on moving my closed eyes. For some reason, this helps block out any intrusive thoughts.
Carrots
I use the sleep meditations that Headspace has – it’s not just background noise, it’s someone actually talking you through a scenario and body scan. That helps my brain focus on one thing or something to come back to when I realize I’ve started doing some spiral thinking.
AIMS
I try to have a go to phrase that feels true but is less negative than whatever is cycling thru my head on repeat. So for example when I was stressed because I was trying to move up a big step in my career and going thru that whole process, I would think, “it takes a lot of work to be successful and achieve your goals!”
I also try to acknowledge the racing thoughts – so it’s generally a combo of thinking “here we go, racing thoughts, whoosh… it sure is a lot of work to be successful…” For whatever reason having a little mantra to go to helps slow down the thoughts and let’s me fall asleep.
Anonymous
Try hard exercise earlier in the day (away from bedtime). Use the time to give yourself permission to think about the problem then instead of bedtime.
Anon
This is a great suggestion, and works for me when I go through a sleepless period.
anon
No devices in your bedroom. Get an analog alarm clock. It makes a HUGE difference for me.
Anon
Even better: get a sunrise alarm clock and set the light to turn on 20 minutes before the alarm sound. It functions as an okay-to-wake light. If you see the light is off you know you have enough time to fall back asleep. If the light is on you might as well get up. This prevents you from checking the exact time on your phone then stressing out that you only have X hours left to sleep.
Anonymous
You might try less Melatonin – there’s a lot of people for whom a smaller dose is better, something like 1 instead of 2.
Solo gardening to get som Os in?
Anon
This flies in the face of all the no tech before bed rules, but when I have trouble turning off my brain I will zone out to YouTube or instagram or something like that until my eyes are literally closing then I fall right to sleep without any of that in between racing thought time. Is it the best sleep hygiene to have? Absolutely not. But in a pinch it totally works.
Anon
I do this too, though with the kindle app on dark mode. If nothing else, I’d much rather be distracted than miserable not sleeping, but I think I also fall asleep a lot faster than if left to anxiety spiral.
Anonymous
Same here. The only way I can turn off my brain is to put on a show that I’ve seen a million times.
Cora
I’ve found that playing an audiobook will put me right to sleep.
Moose
Lately audio – podcasts, whatever, have helped me too.
pugsnbourbon
I read wikipedia articles until I drift off. Before I had a smartphone I did crosswords.
anon
This sounds counterintuitive, but I accept that I am not sleeping and don’t stress over it. I know I will sleep again when my body needs it and for now, I am going to do something else. Sometimes that means I lay in bed and think about what is happening in my life, but I accept that if I am doing that, it is because my mind needs me to do that. And generally, either through luck or this mindfulness, I sleep really really easily.
Anon
I sleep so much better when I do a meditation on the headspace app before going to sleep. I know you’re not really supposed to do those in bed as you’re trying to sleep (except the actual wind down ones) but I do anyway and they’re so helpful for me.
anon
Agree with all of the good suggestions about trying to distract yourself when you start ruminating.
Meditation apps
Relaxation / breathing exercises right before you fall asleep
I turn on my Alexa device and listen to podcast that is relaxing and not too interesting with a sleep timer on.
And start training yourself during the day on how to be able to clear your mind more easily/distract/improve attention, as this will help falling asleep. Yoga is a great way, or doing more mindfulness meditation things during the day.
Glad you have a therapy appointment set up. I’m sorry this is so hard.
Anonymous
Would it be possible to talk some of it through with a partner or friend? There are likely limits on what you can legally disclose, but talking through upsetting things often helps me. Good luck and I hope it gets better soon!
Anonymous
This was me a few weeks ago – I finally begged my kids to leave me alone on Saturday so I could sleep in and those few extra hours did the trick. Sleep begets more sleep… that night I could fall asleep when I was exhausted.
The app Balance has a nice sleep meditation also, laying out a specific scene for you to imagine. I also will listen to an audiobook of one of my comfort reads since I know it so well… oh and make sure it’s cold enough.
Anon
Try cutting coffee back even more.
Abstain from alcohol if you aren’t already: it increases anxiety.
Anon
Yes, ditch all the caffeine. When I finally quit caffeine, I was down to one cup of coffee first thing in the morning that was half regular and half decaf. It made a difference in my sleep quality quitting just the half cup of regular. And note that decaf coffee and decaf tea have some caffeine in them. My rule for myself is not even decaf after noon.
Senior Attorney
I read (on my Kindle) until I’m drowsy, then put on a sleep mask. And this is nuts but I swear it works for me: I recite the lyrics of “12 Days of Christmas” in my head until I drift off. I almost never get to Day 12. If I find myself tossing and turning I just read again until I drift off.
Sasha
In a similar vein to this, I recite “99 bottles of beer on the wall” in my head. I usually fall asleep around bottle 70
Anon
An audiobook I’ve already listened to helps me. I like some of the sleep meditations on the Calm app. And maybe just get out of bed and go to another room and try to distract and relax doing something not involving screens or work like a novel, magazine, puzzle, or coloring book. Something that will make you drowsy and require some focus so you aren’t just stressing.
Betsy
When I have that sort of trouble sleeping, I get up and journal. Usually after a page or two I have worked through everything I’m ruminating about and I’m able to get back to sleep. For me the key is to avoid laying in bed trying to sleep as much as possible – after 15 minutes or so, get up and then try again once you feel sleepy.
Anonymous
Prayer or a gratitude journal?
I would also think about dealing with the root of the stress directly, rather than dealing with the sleep, which is ultimately just a symptom. Can you talk to a therapist or a friend about the work situation? Or take steps to raise your concerns with your colleagues?
Good luck. I’ve been there and it sucks.
anon
Very late to commenting so not sure if you will see this. Does Benedryl knock you out? I’ve done it for short periods of time where my inability to sleep was largely situational (e.g., high stress events in my life). If you are in Canada, many people off the record will say Gravol works well for this function as well. Other options – the low key narration of British docuseries put me to sleep fairly well. I will just put on a playlist on youtube of rich people country estates, watch for a bit with the brightness turned all the way down.
anon
It’s pretty bad to use benadryl for stress/anxiety related sleep problems, as it is easy to have that become a habit and there are a lot of side effects from benadryl. While working on ways to treat the stress/anxiety (which is the best route), it is better to talk with your doctor about sleep aids that are safer to use for short term.
Anon
Would you leave a job you enjoy to be able to work from home more frequently? I’ve been at my company for nearly a decade, was promoted several times, and am very well thought of. The problem is that they have a strict requirement to work in the office a minimum of 3x/week. No exceptions (other than disability). My commute is 75 minutes each way, and no one on my team is located at my office. So I’m spending 7+ hours a week commuting to sit in a quiet corner of the building on webex all day. I have three small children, and I feel like I’m wasting so much valuable time. I could deal with two days in the office since it is nice to get out of the house, but the third is pushing me over the edge. I’m very well compensated, enjoy what I do and the people I work with, so it seems ridiculous to throw all of that away over the in-office requirement. WWYD?
Anon
No, but I’m childfree and have a short commute.
I prefer being in the office and would leave my job if it went fully remote (but it never will). We are hybrid in office 3x, wfh 2x, but I somewhat frequently come in a 4th day.
I don’t have kids or pets and I have an enjoyable, easy, free commute. I walk 1.2 miles to/from work each way and it takes 20-25 minutes. I like getting the fresh air.
I think 75 minutes commuting is a massive waste of life and if I were you I’d be looking for another job, whether it’s remote or closer to your house.
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. 2.5 hours of driving every day would be a deal killer for me.
anonshmanon
are you me? I have an easy commute but absolutely wouldn’t blame OP for looking what else is out there!
Cat
Similar situation here. I like going in 3 days since it helps with work life boundaries, but I have a nice walking commute!
That said, a job you otherwise really like…. that would be hard to give up since a less-great WFH job would be way more stressful than a commute IMHO.
Anonymous
I would absolutely leave a job over that and I’d also raise a giant fuss about it with my boss
anon
I wouldn’t raise a fuss. Bosses aren’t inherently there to be dumped on and abused. If someone is going to leave regardless, do so with some dignity and grace.
Senior Attorney
+1
Senior Attorney
That is, +1 to “raise a fuss.” Which is not, in my view, the same as “dumped on and abused.”
Anon
I have one child and live in an area that is not close to any metro. WFH is a godsend.
Best advice I have for you is to job hunt from a place of strength: employed at a company you like well enough and are well compensated. Apply to more flexible hybrid roles and full remote roles, and wait for the right one.
Anon
+1 this is me. I have two small kids and live two hours from the nearest big city. Before Covid, I was stuck in a dead end job in my small city because that’s all I could find. Thanks to WFH I now have a great remote job where I drive into the office once a month at most.
Anon
Yes, if you can find a job you like, then working from home more frequently or FT would be worth it. It’s especially maddening in your situation where you’re not interacting in person when you are working in the office. At least if you look now, you have the luxury of waiting for the right opportunity instead of desperate to leave.
Anon
To answer your opening question: no I wouldn’t leave a known and enjoyed job to WFH more. For me personally, the mental health impact of a disliked job would be way worse than a bad commute three times a week, so that’s not a risk I’d be willing to take.
With more detail on your situation though, I’d probably either appeal to higher powers for one fewer day if you haven’t yet done so, or if you think you could get away with it, just start working one extra day from home. Do you think you could just start commuting at off hours without too much kerfuffle? That might still give you 3 in office days but dramatically reduce your time spent commuting. Absent any flex on any of those dimensions, in your shoes I might casually start looking around but would have a very very high bar for what I jumped to.
Anonymous
I don’t follow this line of thought. So stay unhappy because the risk of being unhappy elsewhere? Life is too short. There also is likelihood of being happier elsewhere. As kids grow and demands for their activities grow, the in office for no reason resentment is also likely to grow. Better to look now while things are still fairly positive. Otherwise you’re just wasting all that time out of…fear of change?
Anon
+1.
Anon
Absolutely I would. Time is so valuable.
Ribena
In your shoes I’d simultaneously start job hunting and also just ignore the in office requirement and see how long it takes anyone to notice
AIMS
I would also look into not coming in 3rd day – one way or another. A friend of mine was going to quit for similar reasons and when she gave notice, they basically told her she could just WFH 4/5 days if that was her dealbreaker. Since you don’t actually interact with your team in your office, it seems like they could figure out an accommodation for you without it being a huge issue (potentially).
OP
Sadly, I tried talking to them about it, but have been told there are no exceptions.
Anne-on
This is nuts to me. I would 100% job hunt/leave over such an inflexible requirement when you’re not seeing anyone in person anyway!
Anon
Agreed. That kind of place that is senselessly rigid just does not work for me, even without the terrible commute…
Anon
Job search and when you get an offer you are willing to accept, bring that back to your company and if they still don’t budge, leave.
Ribena
But if you don’t actually work with anyone in your office, who will notice? It seems bizarre to me that someone is keeping track of your movements enough to know if you’re coming in three days a week.
Cat
@Ribena, badge swipes.
Anonymous
Yes, 100% yes. Life is short. Do what you love.
For me, I work to live so lessening my time at work is ideal. For people that live to work the answer might be different!!
Sybil
Before you change jobs, what would happen if you just started going in twice a week? If no one on your team is there, would they notice? My husband’s job went to 50% in-office and he goes in about twice a month. No one has said a word. He’s
Cb
Yeah, I’d give that a go. Start using a generic background now, and then quietly change locations over the next few weeks.
OP
I would, but they are closely monitoring who is in the office and have threatened discipline for anyone who doesn’t comply.
Anon
I would quit the job just over that. I can’t work somewhere where I am treated like I can’t be trusted to be an adult. I had a commute that was three hours round-trip prior to the pandemic and it changed my life to give that up. You can have that too.
Anon
It’s not not trusting you — it is making a paper trail for people who abuse the system (b/c some people abuse any and all rules, even if reasonable) and not singling out anyone so there is no HR mess. Blame your rotten co-workers. “Trust me” is just not going to fly.
Anon
Anon at 10:14, what you have just described is the very definition of not trusting someone – doesn’t matter if there are “reasons.”
Anon
It’s not about you.
Anon
Your job isn’t as good as you think it is….
Cat
I would leave for that kind of ridiculous attitude as an example of bad overall management, as opposed to the requirement per se.
Anon
Take that with a grain of salt. I’m guessing there’s people not coming in at all or very little and they need to tough talk right now. If you’re 3x a week, they aren’t worried about you. Scale it back a little and I still bet nothing happens. Just don’t announce your plans or seek permission.
Anon
Yea with layoffs so widespread, I wouldn’t do anything to ruffle the feathers.
NYCer
I would not. I think 3 days a week in office is pretty average these days. If you otherwise like your job and are well compensated, I would personally stay put. Then pent up good will of being there for 10+ years probably gives you more flexibility with your kids than being brand new at a job that only requires 2 days per week.
Like another poster said, how much do they really check if you are there 3 days? Can you just go 2 days some weeks and see if your boss says something?
Anon
First, I wouldn’t bet on a new job staying remote. Second, I’d just play with the rules to see if you can make it work, go in 2 days every other week to start, on day 3 leave early to miss the commute and WFH later on, etc. I’d bet no one notices or cares if you’re strategic about how you do it.
Anon
+1
Unless the company has given up its office space, I don’t think a job would necessarily stay fully remote. Almost everyone I know is back in the office at least 1-2x a week.
Anonymous
So stay because there is a chance a remote job could become less remote? That sounds like weird reasoning, especially now when most jobs have sorted through Covid disruption. I’ve worked hybrid roles at different companies of two days or less in office for 20 years. Better to find a job that offers flexibility outright than try to sneak it and suffer the consequences, especially since this will be for an ongoing time and not just a week or two.
Anon
No, stay because she otherwise has a good deal at a company benchmarking right at pace with everyone else. If I changed anything, I might consider moving to reduce the 75 mile strain.
Anon
Moving, meaning moving her three kids, changing their school, etc.? Heck no. Way easier to just get a new job.
I think we have some folks here who have been in not-great jobs for a long time and don’t realize A. it’s actually easier to get a new job than it is to move your kids, negotiate with unreasonable bosses, etc. and B. no one faults people for moving around these days, as long as you’re not moving every year or two years. OP may be able to find a job closer to home or a remote job; she won’t know until she starts looking. Based on what I’m reading, the inflexibility of her company is a big thumbs-down for me and I would rather work for people who are a little more sensible. You can figure this out, by the way, in the interviews and by reading Glassdoor and Indeed company reviews.
Anonymous
A job where you sit there literally to be a butt in a seat for no reason isn’t a “good deal” though, especially when losing so much time on either end.
To do this because of fear of another opportunity switching to be the same isn’t all that compelling. And that’s literally the first point the poster is making.
Anon
Depends on where the company is located. Many that are hiring on as true remote don’t care if you are living next to the office or a plane ride away; the ones that are anticipating bringing people back to the office are explicitly looking for people who reside near one of their offices.
Anonymous
Proximity also can be for tax reasons versus actually wanting you to come in regularly, so I still wouldn’t let that dissuade you.
Anon
I interviewed with a place that explicitly stated they wanted someone within commuting distance, not just within the state. They would not want someone at the far other end of the state, four-plus hours away.
Anon2
Been there. I was the only person on my team in my city and I was required to go in twice a week because team members in my manager’s city were required to. For me it was indicative of the micromanagement of this particular manager and I eventually left. Is someone monitoring your daily whereabouts? I’d try going in twice a week and see what does or does not happen.
Anon
I would just start working from home and wait until you get told otherwise, honestly.
Anon
At some point, were you not driving 75 minutes each way daily though?
OP
No, I wasn’t.
Anon
So you moved 2.5 hours round trip from work and thought not going into the office would be forever? I don’t understand this at all.
Anon
She probably thought her management was competent and rational!
Anon
So if you can stop being rude and reactive for a minute – some people got “remote” jobs not realizing that their companies were going to call everyone back to the office on some kind of hybrid schedule. This has happened to two of my friends: they got hired for jobs that were “permanently fully remote” and then the company decided, whoops! Never mind, we want people in the office two or three days a week. One of my friends lived in another state from the office he’d have to report to, a three-hour drive one way! And they wanted him in the office three days a week! He put in his resignation and suddenly they backpedaled and “made an exception” for him; he can stay fully remote. For my other friend, she’s stuck driving 3 hours round trip two days a week because the CEO of her “fully remote” job changed his mind and wants people in the office. I don’t know if this is OP’s situation, but it’s happened to a LOT of people lately.
Anon
That’s like more than a NYC -> Philly move and no one would think that that is commutable, especially with kids.
Anon
She has three kids and presumably a husband. That means she’s 1/5th of the household.
That doesn’t mean she’s not significant; it just might mean that there were good reasons for the move. Think, better for her husband’s job, bigger house, better school system, safer area, maybe even across a state line where the state universities are exceptional (planning ahead for good options for the kids). Maybe this puts them closer to ailing family members, or healthy parents who help out with the kids.
Anonymous
So so many people in my office did this, they bought rural properties during the pandemic and left the city when there was no promises of remote work long term, now they all complain about their commutes. I have no sympathy for self inflicted inconvenience.
Anonymous
I actually did used to have a coworker who commuted from the Philly area to NYC. Every. single. day. He had some personal reason to live in Philly and worked on the train to and from, but I thought (and still think; I’ve moved on to another job, but as far as I know, he still does this) it’s the most insane thing ever.
OP
No. There was greater flexibility before the pandemic.
Anon
Yeah if you moved while you had this job, it’s kind of on you
Anon
If the job can be performed remotely, and in fact none of the rest of the team is in the same location so there’s no opportunity to work collaboratively in person anyway, I think this is on management.
Josie P
I echo all the remarks to just stop coming in and see if they notice, and also job search at the same time. I did this back in 2016 when my commute went from 30 mins to 90 and literally NO ONE noticed.
AnonRemotetoHybrid
i wouldn’t just because of the office requirement, but that is a brutal commute.
I took a full remote job recently and it turned out to be a dumpster fire of a job, so do be careful that you’re appropriately critical of opportunities. I’m now returning to a hybrid environment because remote dumpster fire is still a dumpster fire.
Anon
A dumpster fire is a dumpster fire, regardless of which office chair OP sits in on any given day.
Anon
Start applying to new jobs! Look for ones that are closer to your home or allow employees to WFH most days. I’m not saying leave your company asap but if you’re close to the edge, don’t start job searching when you’re at or over the edge. Do it now and you can always speak with your manager about working from home more days etc. I’m pretty much permanently WFH and it’s amazing!!!
Anon
Yeah like others said it’s not so much the office requirement its the commute. 75 minutes each way is just nuts to me and I’d definitely be looking for a new job.
anon
I would either move or look for a new job. You probably know already which one you have to do.
I can’t imagine wasting that much time every day with 3 small children.
It’s unfortunate you made this move, knowing the potential long commute. It was great while it lasted, but now you need to just choose. There are only 2 rational choices. And yes, if you look for a new job there is a good chance it will not be as “good” a job as this one. But at different times of life, we make different priorities. Only you can decide the order of priorities at this time.
Anon
I think this is an important point. There might be a time in my life when I would look at a 3-hour RT commute three days a week and think eh – it’s worth it, for reasons. That time wouldn’t be when I had three young children. There are things that are doable and things that don’t make sense, and I don’t think the OP’s situation makes sense for her – it wouldn’t for me. Better to get a different job that allows more time with the family and when the kids are older and more independent – and that happens fast, let me tell you – she can shift her priorities again.
Anon
+1 for phasing in working remotely one of the three days. Ask for forgiveness not permission. And during this time purposefully look for a new job. At minimum apply a few places.
I recently gave notice because of excessive cross-country travel and was asked to stay on remotely. Giving a notice changes the conversation. Of course you have to be prepared to act on it.
Anon.
I had an identical commute daily for 3 years before the pandemic. As my management changed and is now abroad with no collaborative work between me and the local teammates, I go to the office maybe once every two months, mostly for supplies.
If anyone was requiring me to come into the office 3x per week to sit in a private office taking confidential calls on Zoom (we have an open office but in my role I am not allowed to use that), I would be jobsearching immediately.
2.5 hrs commute is not only a huge waste of time, it is also a stressor (there are studies examining the impact on life quality and health depending on commuting distance), and also a risky activity given how increasingly ruthless drivers are.
OP, start job searching, and keep your job as long as feasible. I agree with trying to make the 3x a week setup suck less by leaving early to avoid rush hour traffic, or bending the rules as far as you can without risking your job.
Anon
Before you leave I’d take this to your direct boss and tell her/him/them what you told us. You commute 75 minutes to sit on webex and no one from your team is there to interact with in person
Pre-pandemic I managed to negotiate this for myself at one of the most old-school traditional companies I’ve ever worked for. It helps a lot that they think highly of you. Give it a very serious, intentional try – not a casual what-if, make a very good case for it – and see what happens. Good luck!
Anon
I love having painted nails, but nail polish never stays for me, no matter what I do! I feel like I’ve tried literally everything and yet my nails chip within hours. I mostly try DIY but occasionally go to the salon. I have tried Dazzle Dry, seche vite, Essie gel couture, and every brand of regular polish. I have tried so many base coats, top coats, etc.
The only thing that seems to work is gel, which I don’t want to do all the time because it destroys my nails. Pedicures last longer on me, but not super long (maybe a 5-7 days before chipping).
I don’t hand wash dishes, always paint my nails after cleaning my apartment (clean on Sunday mornings, nails on Sunday evenings), and don’t do any hobbies that are rough on my hands.
Any tips or suggestions?!
AIMS
I have the same problem. I haven’t figure out a solution other than barely there nail polish (pink glove service by Essie).
Anon
I think the only solution is gel, dip, or acrylics, all of which unfortunately wreck your nails. So I stopped wearing nail polish. I just keep my nails short and neat.
Anon
The solution is gel, etc. nail polish just doesn’t last that long.
Anon
+1 that’s just mail polish. You can try lowering your standards for what it looks like with a few chips.
Anon
Manicurist Green Flash is gel but not really, so it’s much kinder on the nails. I get decent wear out of it, around 7 days at least. Ive also done a glitter from them and that lasted nearly two weeks.
Anon
Nothing is going to last except gel or dip. Any other regular polish starts chipping the same or next day for me. I’ve been getting gel manicures about once a month for 9 years (!!), and I’ve found some helpful tips to keep my nails strong: make sure the manicurist doesn’t file my nails too thin, soak off the gel instead of filing it off, remove the gel at home (resisting the urge to pick it off) and apply Sally Hansen maximum growth clear polish daily for a few days. I’ve done dip a few times, and that lasts forever but really made my nails brittle. I would only do it when I have a trip and need my nails looking perfect for several weeks.
Anon
I hated gel and acrylics but I love the SNS dipping powder. I go every 2 1/2 weeks and make sure they don’t go crazy with the drill taking off the excess polish when they take it off. I take a break every 3-4 months to let them breathe.
anon
Some things that help extend a regular manicure for me..
– before doing your base coat.. make sure your nails are totally dry. I often do a very light buff on my nail, then a swipe of nail polish remover/rubbing alcohol to make sure they are totally free of oils.
– If you have the time, really make sure each coat of polish dries in between your layers
– when doing manicure.. really make sure to cover the actual tip of the nail with your base coat, color and top coat. I generally start with a horizontal stripe across the tip then do the strokes down the length
– Dry my hands thoroughly after washing them, and then if possible add lotion, especially to cuticle area.
– every other day or so add a cuticle oil and use top coat again brushed over just the tips of nails
anon
+1. This has significantly helped my at-home manis.
Anonymous
i have had some luck with Karma Organic nail polish, from amazon. Also try light colors, b/c when they chip, they are not as noticeable.
Anokha
FWIW, I’ve had significantly longer lasting manicures with the Essie Gel Couture versus regular Essie nail polish. The gel couture can be applied at home, and doesn’t destroy my nails in the way that salon gel does. I also have had slightly more luck with the OPI Infinite Shine 2 nail polish (versus regular OPI)
anon
Essie Gel Couture is nice polish!
Anon
If I can get four days out of a non gel polish (real gel, not that Sally Hansen stuff) then I consider it good. Five is a bonus. No one gets longer than that.
I always think the culprit is water, so even though you’re not doing dishes, you’re showering, washing your hair, washing your hands, washing your face – there is water involved no matter what.
A couple of bits of advice –
Use a paint-on nail drying product before the base coat.
The base coat should be thin. The first coat of color should be thin. Let each layer lightly dry before proceeding. The second coat of color should go under your nail tips or at least on the ends. It can be a thicker coat.
Wait for the second coat to really dry before potting on the top coat. Like 10+ minutes. The only time I can do this is while reading or watching TV (e reader, I’m not turning pages.) Don’t use a quick-dry top coat – those don’t last as long. Use a traditional top coat, and now you wait as long as it takes to be completely dry. This whole process takes about an hour for me, from start to finish.
When you paint, don’t go all the way to your nail beds – that just gives it a place to peel from. Paint the color on leaving a margin around the base and sides. No one will notice.
Anon
I use Olive and June and think it is really worth the price. It typically lasts a week for me (I have kids, do dishes, workout). I do keep my nails on the shorter side which I think helps.
Anon
Gel nail polish isn’t ruining your nails. The removal is what is doing the damage. Start doing your own gel nails at home. File the gel polish with a medium file to take off the shine. Soak off the gel with acetone (buy the clips or the plastic caps). The gel polish should come right off after about 20ish minutes. I’ve exclusively used gel polish on my nails with at home application since 2012ish. I usually have to remove and apply after 2 to 2.5 weeks. They stay perfect or almost perfect for that entire time. Don’t peel them off or file too much. Efiles are great but you have to be very, very careful not to take your nail with the polish, so regular files are better. Are my nails without polish thinner and tend to peel? Yes. Are my nails with gel polish stronger than my real nails and better looking? Yes.
DB Cooper
I’m an absolute convert to the nail polish strips (think I read about them here?). Think Color Street, but the knockoffs. I like NailsMailed and Lily&Fox. Do a search for “color street tips and tricks” and do the prep work. I am *hard* on a mani, and these last me at least a week–plus my nails are healthier being protected by the polish. Note–these aren’t the oval stickers on a single backing sheet (though those are fun, too), but instead the sets of ovals extending from a central “spine”.
Fallen
Planning my trip to Phoenix and considering going on a hot air balloon. Has anyone done it? I am about to book tickets and from everything I read it’s safe, but worried that it will be a bit too much for me (I have a slight heights phobia but have been OK ziplining, in helicopters, etc – some ferris wheels freak me out though.)
AIMS
I did! It’s amazing. One of my all time favorite things I have ever done. BUT – I had a great pilot so that may have helped me feel comfortable?
It’s less wonky than a Ferris Wheel because you’re gliding gently and not having to stop and go with squeaks like you do on a FW. The scariest part is not the height, but the actual hot air — the pilot is constantly adjusting it and the sound of it (kind of loud WHOOOSH) and the feel of heat right above your head can be a little disconcerting at first. That said, I highly, highly recommended it – and if you were fine in a helicopter, I would think this would be a lovely experience for you.
NYNY
The cool thing about hot air ballooning is that you’re really looking out, not down. Agree with AIMS that the sound takes some time to get used to, but you really do feel like you’re floating. It’s way more peaceful that a helicopter, and the views are amazing!
LawDawg
I did a hot air balloon in Phoenix four years ago. We did sunrise and it was beautiful and calm and all-around lovely. The champagne breakfast after we landed was also a treat. I don’t know that I would do it again but I have absolutely no regrets about spending a morning floating above the desert. Do it!
Anonymous
I haven’t done it but I see them every morning on my drive into work. Looks amazing. Go for it! Phoenix sunrises are usually pretty spectacular.
Anon
I have been in balloons several times but the last time I took a balloon ride, we crash-landed, and that was it for me; I won’t be going again.
If you’re going with a reputable, established ballooning company with many good reviews on TripAdvisor, etc. you don’t have much to worry about. I was with a friend who brought me along to go up in her dad’s friend’s balloon and it turns out, he was not as experienced as he said he was. Resulting in the crash. It’s a cool experience but some people who are scared of heights don’t find they enjoy it. You are loose in the gondola (basket) of the balloon; you usually don’t get strapped in or tethered. So not quite like ziplining or helicopters where there’s a harness. And you can go pretty far up in the air. Watch some YouTube videos to make sure it’s going to work for you.
NYCer
I have been on a hot air balloon once (in Turkey), and it was lovely. But I have no real desire to do it again. And I am not otherwise scared of heights.
Tbh if you get scared on a ferris wheel, hot air ballooning might not be for you.
Anon
Same, did it in Napa and glad I checked it off but feel no desire to do it again. I also would not do it if you’re scared of heights.
Senior Attorney
I’ve done it and it was fun, although a bit scarier than I expected. I’m like you — ok with ziplining, ok in a helicopter, ok in a huge ferris wheel like the London Eye but not in a smaller amusement park one where you’re more out in the open. I’m not sorry I did the balloon but am in no hurry to do it again.
A
I did it years ago in NZ and it was awesome to see the sun rise.
Anon
Recommendations for affordable flower delivery? A friend in NYC was promoted after a really terrible few years and I’d love to send her flowers (I’m in a different city).
I don’t need anything fancy, a grocery store $10 bouquet would be fine but everything online is pricey. I’m a grad student on a tight budget.
anon
Instacart them? Any actual flower delivery is going to be pricey.
Anon
Thanks. I’ve never used Instacart, so two quick questions: does my friend have to be home to receive the delivery? She lives in a building but I don’t know if there’s a doorman or package desk.
Does it matter that I’m ordering but not the one receiving the delivery?
Can I schedule the delivery date in advance?
Anonymous
I would send them to her office to be safe given the doorman situation (if she works in an office). I’ve done Whole Foods flower delivery via Amazon as a gift, and you you can definitely schedule in advance and it shouldn’t matter that you are doing it as a gift. I think that would be safer than Instacart as Instacart shoppers contact you with questions sometimes.
Anon
Send a plant
https://www.amazon.com/Costa-Farms-Dumb-Cane-Dieffenbachia/dp/B07RJYZYPS/
Anon
But don’t send that one if she has pets – it is toxic.
Anon
Just trying to help and there’s literally dozens of options under $20 on there. Flowers can be too.
AIMS
You can also call a local to her florist and tell them your budget and ask if they can deliver something. Whether she has to be home or not depends on her living situation but if she lives in a doorman building or you send them to her office, I’d say you’re safe assuming she doesn’t.
pugsnbourbon
+1, this is what I do when I’m sending flowers, but I’ve never tried in NYC. Instacart-ing something from Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods sounds like it would also work.
Anon.
This. Always call a local florist – many deliver.
Nesprin
Costco delivers flowers!
boo
I’ve been buying the same two books for baby showers for years now (Dear Girl and The Wonderful Things You Will Be). Anything newer out there that y’all would suggest?
Anonymous
These are not new, but my go-tos are Ten Nine Eight by Molly Bang and the picture book of Forever Young.
Anonymous
Yes, with the caveat that the ones you are giving are great picks! I had my kids a few years ago and it took me awhile to realize that 90% of the children’s books given to my daughters featured male protagonists, even the animals- Dear Zoo, the Very Hungry Caterpillar, Llama Llama, etc. I would change the pronouns while reading but it drove me nuts.
I really like Construction Cat (about a mama cat that goes to work on a construction site while Pa stays home with the kittens), Maggie Moo, Willow, and the Sandra Boyton books. Interrupting Chicken series, Ada Twist Scientist series, and Elephant and Piggie series are fun too but maybe for slightly older kids.
anon.
The Awesome Book of Thanks is our favorite give-away.
Cb
Oliver Jeffers We Are Here.
Kelly
A Good Day by Kevin Henkes and I write inside “may your life be filled with good days.”
AIMS
I really like to give Hush Little Polar Bear. Has a little girl narrator (but really isn’t gender specific), and is just super sweet and can also be sung to the tune of an old lullaby. Ive also spent years reading it without getting sick of it yet. Best part is I hardly ever see anyone else gift it so it’s safe to assume they won’t have other copies.
Anon
Mustache Baby is one of our all time favorites. My five year old will still ask for it occasionally.
Anan
I really love The Art Book of Love and The Art Book of Sleep.
Knope 2024
My favorites: Paperbag Princess, CinderEdna, and There’s a Monster at the End of this Book
Anon
Rothy’s question- my big toes curve up like hitchhiker thumbs. Eventually, the toenails (regardless of length) tend to wear little holes in canvas flats like Keds. Is the Rothy’s material sturdy enough that it would resist that type of wear?
Anonymous
No but they are better than keds. Mine lasted a full year.
anon.
I also have weird toes and walk across cobblestones to work every day and they really do hold up. I know they have a LOOK a lot of people don’t like but the ability to wash them and the comfort have been game changers for me.
ohhi
Obligatory Rothy’s code for $20 off. Yes, they’re super sturdy. I have 3 of them and I started off as someone who really did not like the look of them. But given the relative comfort and sturdiness for my prominent bunion, they’re holding up well and I keep buying more.
https://share.rothys.com/x/0mfkjv
Anonymous
It is not. My toes do not curl up but the toenail on my big toe wears through them pretty quickly.
Anon
Hello from someone with “elf toes” as I call them (toes that could fit those curled elf shoes…)
Rothys have about the heft of the nylon webbing straps on a kid’s school backpack. When I tried them, they conformed to all my toes individually – my big toe poked up, and then the material outlined each one of my toes individually. I think the canvas on Keds is probably more durable than Rothys. I wasn’t a fan of the look, esp for the price, and sent them back.
Anon
Yes for the wool and no for the bamboo. I have the same kind of toes and while I love my Rothy’s enough to buy then even knowing it will happen, I always end up with a hold where my toe nail is. The sneakers hold up better than the flats because the toe box is bigger.
Anonymous
I too have these toes!! WTF can’t more brands make shoes for us, clearly we’re not alone. What’s everyone’s favorite brands? I like Asics, Clarks, Fly London. Rothy’s I like ok but I also am blessed with bunions and narrow ankles, so Rothy’s won’t stay on my feet.
Anon
Thread OP here – thanks all. Elf toes, lol. I suspect this is one reason that I find low heels or wedges more comfortable than flats – when my heel is elevated, the upward slope of the toes is more flat and fits better in most toe boxes!
Anom
I bought reinforcements for my allbirds. Called something like a toe box toe burst reinforcement. It’s like a Kevlar sticker that you can cut and put on the inside of the shoe to reinforce that spot. Works great!
Anon
oh thread OP again here – that is such a cool idea. Do you have a link for what you use?
Anonymous
Omg I have similar toes! Many a hole from my big toe in keds during my childhood. Tried and returned the original wool Allbirds because see the outline of my big tow looked weird.
I have not tried Rothys but will recommend Birdies…comfy padded footbed and not soft cloth in the toe area.
Anne-on
FYI – The Fold is doing their spring sale, fewer choices now that items are up to 50% but some good ‘big meeting day’ dresses and a fair amount of trousers and blouses left.
Fold
Did anyone notice that Jen Psaki wore the Belleville top in green for a recent episode? With cream pants.
email help
Okay, seriously, how does everyone manage email? I stepped out of the office this morning for a short coffee meeting and came back to 24 substantive emails that require a reply, plus two voicemails. I’m a junior partner in a small firm (less than 50 people total), we have a general, non-boutique practice, and I absolutely do not understand how any attorney keeps up. This is not including the 50 or so garbage emails I get every few hours, that I aggressively folder and create rules to filter out. Please, any tips or tricks or prior threadjacks – I am buried!
Anon
Sounds like you’re not delegating enough. I’d look at whether you’re keeping work someone else should be doing with your oversight. It’s a trap a lot of lawyers fall into and I’m sure there’s competing factors, but this is always a sign for me I’m keeping too much on my plate.
Anonymous
I file or delete 95% of emails I receive immediately after I receive it, even if the email eventually requires a reply. If the reply is needed soon, it stays in my inbox. If the reply is not needed soon, I file the email and dig it back out later when the time for reply comes. If the email creates a new task for me, I add that task to my Outlook tasks lists, which is how I keep track of everything I need to do and what order to do it in. Importantly, my inbox is not my to do list — my task list is that instead. My inbox currently has 13 emails in it and I get several dozen a day.
Anonymous
I’m in marketing/publishing and I switched to a company where I receive almost no email now. The reason is that all projects are in Teamwork and folks comment in there or occasionally Slack. It has done a lot for my sanity. At prior job where I worked in product dev, my project manager would often open Google docs to collect group edits and feedback to minimize mountains of email back and forth and long strings.it’s also helpful having feedback captured in an organized traceable way. Since you probably can’t force others to do collaborative projects in a system like that though, my other advice would be to look at meetings. Is there a way to move things into agendas or convos there for faster/streamlined decision making? Also be brutal about unsubscribes and “not interested” replies. Even though it only takes a second to delete, those types of things create unnecessary noise that can add to the stress of managing the important stuff.
Anon
An equity partner who man-splains every last thing in another office who works in a completely different area is fighting me for credit from a matter in my area where the client called me. Client is my former associate and then a client at his prior in-house gig. Have confirmed on the QT that client called me directly with no prompting from the other partner or mention of the need (and is high up enough to know if it had been done at the GC level). Our firm lets many lawyers originate the same client (esp. for giant clients — if you talked to Giant Teacup in the Ford administration, you don’t get to demand credit from the new Teacup Rio location that you never had anything to do with. Help pump me up for what looks to be a brewing cage match before my firm’s management committee. If I go down, it will be swinging as hard as I can.
Former Partner
Two thoughts:
1. Are you in a position to ask the former associate/client to write to the executive committee and say that you need to be the billing partner or he will take his business elsewhere?
2. Many local bars have a pledge that firms sign that require, among other things, that women and URM attorneys get credit. The San Francisco Bar Assn’s pledge is the one with which I am most familiar. It might be worth looking at to get some ideas about how out of step the other partner’s claim is and how bad it could be for the firm if they acquiesce to his claim.
Anon
I think asking for #1 could make your firm look like a hot mess, even to a former associate who likes you. Good you, toxic firm, clients have a choice and it is often not to wade into a law firm’s inability to quell stupid drama. It’s not wrong, but clients often don’t have the stomach for things like this and they don’t need to do it.
Anon
This. I never hired a firm again that dragged me into their internal matter credit dispute.
Anon
Tell me more about those. I get that they shouldn’t happen, but it only takes one jerk and a whole lot of other people with no spine or embedded in a culture of favor trading.
Anon
Somewhat related, I interviewed with a company and got an offer via a recruiter. Another recruiter claimed they had presented the opportunity to me first (which I don’t remember.) It got so ugly the company withdrew the offer.
Anon
I will chime in here and say thanks for fighting the good fight. These debates aren’t fun, but I pump myself up with the mantra that if women don’t stand up for themselves, this is (one of the reasons) why women make less money than men.
Anon
I would think about how your management committee is structured and then lobby with those members who will assist you. For me, that would mean going to the managing partner of my office to ask her advice on how to handle the situation — and in the process getting her up to speed on the details of your relationship to the client. Same for the person on the management committee that is in my area (that I have a good relationship with).
You mention that he is an equity partner but don’t say your level. If he is significantly older than you, I would lean into the future of the relationship and how your work will cultivate giant client long-term.
Hollis
No real advice here but I’ve been there, done that and I applaud you for being tough and fighting for the credit. In my case the equity partner claiming credit was managing partner at the firm and therefore head of the management committee (i.e., he’s the person who adjudicates credit disputes), so I had zero power as an income partner. When the equity partner thought he was making a giant concession by offering me 9% of the credit on a client when the person sending the work didn’t even copy him on work (and the work is in a different practice area), I didn’t have any choice but to accept it and I basically started looking for a new job because there was no way I was going to be able to build a book with a 9% credit client taking up more than 50% of my time. In any case, this is the real reason I left to join a small boutique and I’ve never regretted it. I hope you have a better outcome – please keep us posted!
Anon
I’m speaking on an alumni panel with VHNW individuals, and I don’t know what to wear. I will be discussing a university initiative in my capacity as an alumna volunteer. Here are some options: black pinstripe pants suit, black structured dress, pink long blazer over a black dress/pants. That’s pretty much all that fits post-COVID and post-closet purge due to being exclusively WFH. I’m not opposed to picking up something new.
Anon
If you want a good splurge, Rag and Bone is having a sale and their blazers are magic.
Anon
What shape do they work with? I am pretty flat chested and a lot of blazers with shaping just look deflated on me. Plus, I’m short, so often overwhelmed in 2023 blazers (but always looking for a unicorn).
Anon
The Slade would probably work for you, it’s not the overwhelming size and with the military-esque cut, would be better on a flat chest (I’m average there). Also, fwiw, many VHNW people I know shop for clothes at Costco, so don’t stress too much.
Anonymous
I like the idea of the black structured dress. It works well whether other folks on the panel go super casual or formal. Second choice would be the pink blazer look.
anon
unless it’s v v unique, not black pinstripes. I never think it that’s a HNW look.
Anne-on
I think the big question is – how do you feel in those outfits? If the response is ‘meh’ I’d shop. My go to’s for my size/shape are The Fold, Boss, or Reiss (all need to be hemmed typically as I’m 5’4 and narrow shouldered). Brooks Brothers also tends to fit me well off the rack so if I something immediately that’s typically my first stop.
Anne-on
I am drooling over this suit but the tailoring could be tricky (and needs to be spot on to look artfully slouchy and not sloppy). But it gives off very cool ‘Le Smoking’ vibes.
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/sale/women/suit-separates
Anon
Which one?
Anne-on
Sorry – the grey and brown pinstriped blazer and pants!
anon
whew! I thought you meant the sequins….
Anon
Are we yay or nay on pinstripes?
Horse Crazy
I’ve posted about this before, but I’m completely overwhelmed with potential honeymoon destinations for next spring. Now I’m looking at Anguilla or St. Martin/Sint Maarten. Does anyone have experiences, positive or negative, at either or both of those islands? Hotel/resort recommendations? Looking for beaches for relaxing and swimming, good food, pretty hikes, and local culture. Still considering the Dominican Republic or Cabo as well…
Explorette
My sister did St. Martin this year for her honeymoon and absolutely loved it.
Cat
Anguilla is best for a super quiet couply vibe and fine dining. The hotels are $$$-$$$$ for the most part, though if you are ok with less-glamorous furnishing you can find condo-style accommodations in the mid-3-figures per night.
Sint Maarten is basically Ft Lauderdale with prettier water. Crowded, cruise traffic, relatively Americanized.
St Martin is a total delight if you like French food – very European vibe on that side of the island. Grand Case’s dining scene is wonderful.
The DR is kind of mass market compared to Anguilla or St. Martin and doesn’t feel as special to me.
Cabo is beautiful but can be irritating logistics, flight-wise, if you’re not on the West Coast.
anonypotamus
I did St. Martin solo for 10 days between jobs in 2016 and absolutely loved it. I stayed on the French side in Grand Case (fabulous restaurants, chill beach vibes) but the island is small and easy to navigate if you want to explore other areas. I did a little exploring, a lot of lounging on the beach, swimming, and trying new restaurants. 10/10 would go back.
Anon
We’re going to St Martin this winter. We were feeling tired of all-inclusive and wanted a non-inclusive hotel where we could rent a car and explore the island, but I hate driving on the left so that narrowed it down a lot, and we also wanted a safe island with good food. St Martin fit the bill. We’re staying at Grand Case Beach Club which looks really nice, was surprisingly affordable (<$500/night over Christmas break) and is walking distance from restaurants in the town of Grand Case.
Dominican Republic is meh and not a place I’d go unless you’re looking to do all-inclusive but have a tight budget.
anon
St. Lucia is wonderful. Jade Mountain would be great place to stay for a honeymoon. Anse Chastanet is the sister resort and a bit cheaper. It has two beautiful beaches. The Tet Paul Nature Trail has amazing views of the Pitons. If you want to post a burner email, I can send more info!
Senior Attorney
A friend just went to the Waldorf Astoria Los Cabos Pedregal and raved about it. They had a casita that included EVERYTHING including a cook!
Fallen
I would vote Anguilla over St. Martin (or any other Caribbean island). Anguilla is perfect in every possible way, and this is coming from somone who is very meh about beach vacations. I liked more than any other Caribbean island (have been to most of them) and over Hawaii Or do both! St. Martin is more of a fun place, while Anguilla is relaxing. If you do Anguilla rent a boat with a driver to go to the smaller islands they have, and if you do St. Martin do the riding the horse in the water thing – some of my favorite life expeirences!
Anon
You can also easily go to Anguilla (or St Barts) for the day from St Martin. That’s what I’d do personally. Anguilla is very pretty but I think I’d get bored there with a whole week. St. Martin has much more in the way of stuff to do, including hiking.
Hawaii Plan
If you were going to spend three days in Hawaii (three days actually there) where would you go/stay, what would you do? Mix of relaxation, food, and active stuff (snorkeling, hiking, zip lining?). Two adults, leaving kids with grandparents, flying United from the west coast. Willing to spend but not absolutely inattentive to finances.
NYCer
Without kids, I would go to Kauai.
Anon
+1
A.
+1 for Kauai also, especially adults only.
Anon
With that short a timeframe I’d go wherever you can get direct flights.
Anon
We’ve only been to O’ahu and used Honolulu as our base for two weeks with a rental car to explore the rest of the island. If you like city and nature experiences, Honolulu’s a great option. If you’re more interested in nature, then Maui would be the better option.
Hollis
Either Maui or Kauai. In Maui, do the bike cruisers down the volcano – that’s totally fun and easy and beautiful way to see the island – and also do the “road to hana” and go to the hike through the bamboo forest to get to the waterfall. Truly a beautiful place. In Kauai, tubing down the sugar plantation is fun, as is horseback riding on the beach, and taking surf lessons. Both are great – Kauai is less crowded and I would choose the one that has a direct flight from your city.
Anon
Maui, probably. I like Kauai best but there’s more to do on Maui. I’d stay in the Ka’anapali beach area.
If Kauai, Poipu beach area for sure. The Grand Hyatt there is spectacular, if you can swing it.
Anon
Has anyone gone to St. Lucia? Considering staying at the Bel Joy resort, which is adults-only. Some pieces I’ve read talk about the roads being dicey which scares me a bit. Thanks for any input!
Anon
Haven’t been to that resort but yes the roads in St Lucia are very twisty. Bring motion sickness meds if you’re prone to it.
Cat
+1, I feel like this is why AIs are popular there. no one wants to drive off-property.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1 the roads are no joke. Very windy and nausea-inducing. Had a great trip either way though!
anon
I just posted above, but we were there last November. It’s amazing. The roads are very curvy and they drive on the left. We hired a driver while we were there. We stayed in the Soufriere area, which is gorgeous. We stayed at Anse Chastanet and got their all-inclusive option. Happy to answer any other questions!
Anon
Thanks! Very helpful to hear. I think my anxiety about the road conditions (safety-wise not car sickness) is the only thing giving me pause, put it feels like could be a special trip for me and my husband to celebrate our 15th anniversary. The hotel we’d stay at is in Castries. Opinions re: making sure we go to Soufriere/see the Pitons vs. just staying at the resort? We’ll be there Friday-Tuesday so a relatively short trip.
anon
It can take 1-2 hours to get to the Soufriere area from Castries. I would suggest dedicating one day to check out the sights in Soufriere. You can visit the Tet Paul Nature Trail, drive-in volcano an possibly the Diamond Botanical gardens in one trip.
The roads are curvy, but mostly in good condition. The drivers we used were all very safe and we had no issues. We used Swanson from Golden Ticket SLU for our transportation. Highly recommend. There is an email address on their Facebook page and you can get a rate to do all the activities I mentioned.
anon
I worked at a non profit for about 5 years, recently took new job (because they wouldn’t let me be hybrid and my commute was killing me for the post above, i don’t regret it even though i liked my old job better) but I continue to do some consulting work for them. They invited me to their annual benefit. People wear a real mix (our young staffers are in party clothes, some people come in suits or work clothes). The first year I was there pre covid i wore a black pussy bow top and a pencil skirt with some sparkle. then we didn’t have it for two years, last year I wore a Zara chanel type jacket and black pants and felt… staid. Would black pleather pants and a black not bare but party like top be OK? or is pleather a hard no for a work adjacent event? This is NYC.
Anonymous
I am a hard no on pleather at work, but think it can definitely be appropriate and a great look for work-adjacent where there are people wearing party clothes
Anon
I would wear the pants!
Senior Attorney
I have worn pleather pants for events like that.
Anon
Does anyone have a recommendation for a good powder detergent? I’ve been using Kirkland Free & Clear and I think it’s streaking my clothes, and I hate the bottle – it pours soooo slowly. Would love any tips!
Anonymous
I like Tide Pur but it is not a powder. Why are you jumping to powder?
Anon
So, streaking is often a sign of detergent build up. Do you clean your washer? How much detergent do you use (think 2 tablespoons or less!).
I use powdered tide and boost it with oxy for toddlers’ loads. No complaints!
Hollis
I use the Kirkland also and have done so for over a decade and I’ve never experienced streaking. As for the slow pouring, are you twisting the top to vent? If you don’t do that, it won’t come out quickly.
Anon
I am distantly related to a young couple who are getting married soon. I’m not invited to the wedding but would like to get them a gift around $100. They don’t have a registry but would like money toward their Disneyworld honeymoon. The mother of the groom has suggested a Disney gift card.
Does anyone have experience with those? Are they as easy to use as cash? Do you get the full value of the $? I’m not sending a check for Reasons.
Anon
I don’t think it’s really your role to determine whether or not the Disney gift card is easy to use. That’s what they want, so that’s what you should get. It’s their problem if it goes to waste. (And fwiw yes I think it’s rude to directly ask for cash/gift cards but I still think you should get the couple this since you know it’s what they want. My best friend had a “no boxed gifts” wedding and I thought it was tacky AF but I still gave her cash because I knew that’s what she wanted.)
Hollis
As a counterpoint, I’m from a culture where everyone gives cash/checks and that’s what’s expected, so I don’t find this tacky at all. I think the Disney gift card sounds great, as does an Amazon gift card or Visa gift card. I didn’t realize Disney had their own gift card even. Another option is to just give them a restaurant gift card to a nice restaurant in whatever city they reside – I’ve done this a bunch and people have told me that they have enjoyed trying a new place on a date night.
Anon
I wouldn’t do a gift card to a particular restaurant. It may not be a place they like and may not cover the full cost of a meal (we got several that didn’t). OpenTable is the way to go if you want to do a restaurant gift card, but in this case since you know they want money for their Disney honeymoon I would just do cash or the Disney gift card.