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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Ara Jersey Midi Skirt

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A woman wearing a light blue top (head cropped out), and a printed skirt in a mix of blues

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A breezy jersey skirt is just the ticket for a steamy July commute. This gorgeous number from M.M.LaFleur looks flowy but still put-together enough for officewear. I would add a short-sleeved sweater or a sleeveless blouse (if that’s acceptable for your office) for the summer and layer on a blazer when the weather gets cooler.

The “abstract bluebird” print is my favorite, but it also comes in seven other prints. 

The skirt is $249 at M.M.LaFleur (with some prints on sale for $174) and comes in sizes XS-XXL. 

Sales of note for 7/19:

328 Comments

  1. ISO Athens recs. We will be there for 3 full days for our second trip, in mid-September. We loved the city in general last visit (so underrated, especially the evening vibes and amazing food) and hit the major tourist stuff then – Acropolis, Acropolis museum, agora, sunset from Lycabettus (sp from memory…).

    So, looking for dining recs and fave “second trip no obligations” sightseeing. (Love it when we repeat a visit for this reason!) We enjoy some museum time but max one per day, so need to downselect among Archeological, Byzantine, Benaki, etc.

    1. When I was there, we only had time for the Acropolis, so my only recommendation is Django gelato near the Acropolis museum.

    2. The Benaki is amazing. I also love wandering around the Central Market, where all the amazing food starts.

    3. I so agree with you about Athens! We loved The Zillers (Michelin star, if that’s important to you or a deal breaker bc of cost), and the Dolli. Both have great views of the Acropolis.

    4. Love Athens, I lived there for 2 years. Benaki is wonderful. See if there are any concerts or shows at the Theater of Herodes Atticus (on Acropolis hill). This is the best restaurant in the city: Tzitzikas & Mermigas. Right by Syndagma but absolutely delicious.

    5. I’ve only been once and just did the usual tourist circuit but I 100% agree about it being underrated.

    6. Pharaoh for a nice dinner! It’s vibey and has delicious food. My favorite restaurant experience in Athens.

    7. Loved both the Archaeological and Byzantine. But my real recommendation is to go to Gazarte if you have a free evening. It’s a music club in an old gasworks; it’s been beautifully re-done, performance space is on top floor open to the sky, cocktails are good, just a really fun evening. We saw Gadjo Dilo who were FANTASTIC but it was pretty packed so I’m glad we got tickets. They have a calendar online.

  2. I wanted to add one thing to the conversation yesterday about how to stop scrolling and get back into reading as a hobby – always tell yourself that two minutes, five minutes, ten minutes are better than zero minutes. Applies to anything worth doing in life. You can also tell yourself that you’ll try it for five minutes but if you’re really too brain dead to continue, you’re allowed to stop. It can really help! I didn’t read as many books during the newborn and infant phase (when I was most exhausted) but I’m so glad I did keep reading.

    1. I’ve found reading even 5-10 pages before bed instead of doom scrolling really helps my mental health and quiets my brain. It’s made such a difference I just keep doing it.

    2. I don’t know if this was said yesterday, but the Libby app on my phone has been a good way to redirect the hands used to scrolling into reading. I put it on my home screen, together with messaging apps that I use with my family.
      I put all the stressful things including emails and browser into folders where there is more friction to opening them.

    3. I didn’t see the conversation yesterday, but read what you want to read, not what you think you’re “supposed” to read. DNF anything that you aren’t into. It’s very easy to stop reading when you just don’t like what you’re reading but feel obligated to finish.

      And yes. I read on my kindle when I’m just waiting somewhere and that is often enough for me to get engaged enough to want to come back to the story.

    4. I do this with basically everything in my life. Like I don’t want to clean up the kitchen – ok well I then convince myself to wash one pot in the sink, and then it’s somehow much less of a big deal to do all of the other pots (and who only washes half the pots?) and then somehow I empty the dishwasher too. Repeat for basically everything in my life.

  3. re: look above, i generally avoid wearing a proper cloth top with knit or jersey bottoms. is that not a thing?

    1. by “proper cloth,” do you mean a woven fabric as opposed to a knit one? If so, I don’t use that as a guideline. I pay attention to whether the dressiness level of the fabrics and items works together, and to the colors, cuts, and proportions of the top and the bottom. If all that is good, I’ll happily wear woven fabric with knit fabric.

      I wouldn’t wear a dressy blouse or shirt with a casual knit skirt unless I was confident with my style and was intentionally doing a juxtaposition for it’s own sake. Which can be done.

    4. No? Do you mean you only wear tees with jersey bottoms? And by proper cloth do you mean a woven top with buttons? And you only wear those with…only suiting pants?

      This seems unnecessarily complicated.

      1. yes. i would wear a sweater or a tee with a jersey bottom but not a woven shirt. A woven shirt doesn’t necessarily have buttons (this one doesn’t) but i mean out of a cloth, not a knit.

        1. Knit is cloth too. I think there are some cultural or language differences that I don’t understand. If you don’t like the way the model is styled, feel free to wear something else, but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or weird just because you don’t do it.

          Personally, I used to avoid tucking any top into an elastic waist, but elastic waist technology has improved dramatically so now this is not longer an issue for me. (Also, knit bottoms can have fixed waists with zippers etc). And I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone who makes different choices as doing it wrong.

        2. I too am confused. Clearly there is something I’m not getting, because all this reminds me of is the bit in the Bible about not wearing garments of different material together.

          2. IDK. I can see it where a woven item looks too formal with a knit skirt. IDK why, but I was given a knit St. John skirt and one reason I don’t wear it is that my blouses look mismatched with it and a tee reads too WTF. My mind can’t style that combo right when the knit item is a bottom vs a top. A knit with another knit can also look off. I do like a white tee with a smocked-waist skirt that I have, but it is woven (but still pretty casual).

    5. I think with the rise of dressier jersey skirts and pants this year that woven cotton or linen look nice with them.

    6. I clicked through to the page’s photos and the skirt looks quite elegant for jersey. The top may be woven (is that what you mean by “proper cloth”?) but it’s a relaxed style. These items look fine together imo.

  4. i’m sure this is a common question here but i have mostly been off this summer…. are the oral GLPS that pop up on my instagram marketed to those who just need to lose “aesthetic” weight and not medical OK? do they work?

    1. I take the wegovy pill via Ro and it’s amazing, wanted to lose 15 and ended up losing 30 and am back to my high school weight.

      1. I’m on the rybelsus pill via a Canadian distributor and it has been amazing too. I have probably lost 35 pounds. I think all pills are similar to rybelsus in that you have to take it on an empty stomach, so first thing in the morning and no food/water for 30 minutes after taking. It works for me. It doesn’t need refrigeration which suits me better than the jab given all of my travel.

        2. If you matured early and hit an adult weight in high school, of course. Not for me, because I hadn’t even reached my full adult height until halfway through college.

        3. According to my doctor, yes, that is my ideal weight. I was a fit, active, full-grown person by 5th grade.

          1. Same. I was fully grown by 6th grade, which wasn’t any fun back then. I don’t remember what my high school weight was, but I’ve definitely kept my weight steady for 25 years since law school and I was height/weight appropriate then.

    3. Two things to investigate further: 1) the percentage of people who keep the weight off after going off a glp-1. The Surmount trial suggests that the majority do not, but those folks tended to have more to lose than you presumably do. If you’re doing it for aesthetic weight loss are you willing to keep taking the drugs to keep it off? (No judgement here, btw! There’s lots of positive non-weight side effects emerging.) 2) If you go on the off the drugs, they may not be as effective later. Early indications are that after going off then back on, people need higher doses for weight loss later. Is it worth that risk right now?

        1. A lot of people who are self paying (and if your goal is aesthetic weight loss, you’re likely self paying) are planning/hoping to go off them after reaching their goal weight. It’s not unreasonable to have different answers to “Do I want to pay $1000 to lose 10 lbs” vs “do I want to pay $40,000 to *be* 10 lbs lighter”

  5. disney folks. how busy is busy (like a holiday week?) what can be done to mitigate or plan around it? there are so many sites, i’m overwhelmed. my son is 16 so not a baby but we want to do star wars and epcot which we’ve never done and probably a day at magic kingdom.

    1. The best way to get around it is by spending more money, followed by going very early and staying late (should be more feasible with a teenager!). Lightning lanes help, but if in the budget, I’d try the premiere pass.

        1. There was a great article in the NYT within the past several months about how “skip the lines” options at amusement parks, multiple tiers of premium airfare, etc. make everything less enjoyable. When I was a kid, everyone had to wait in the same lines at Disneyland, and the wait was part of the experience. When I recently took my family to Disney World for the day, we spent most of our time stressed out about how to get on rides and resenting all the upselling. We won’t be returning.

          1. Yeah, I feel like the whole system is such a downer. What a way to show kids at an early age, life isn’t fair eh?

          2. Exactly–and you still spend more money teaching them that lesson than you would spend on a fancy vacation to a real place in the real world!

    2. you want to use a Disney planner. They are free. The number of deadlines and tricks and strategies to avoid spending 80% of your time in line is nothing short of a military operation. (Source, sibling with older kids who was stressing about something being released 180 days prior to their trip.)

    3. Flippant answer – you can throw money at it. If you can afford it, the Lightening Lane premier pass is fantastic because you just walk up to each ride’s lightening lane without having to schedule it. Otherwise, LL multipass can be bought 10 days before and there is lots of information online about how to maximize it.

      Also, if you haven’t booked your hotels, since you want to focus on Hollywood Studios and Epcot, I’d look for a hotel near there so that you can have the option of taking a break in the middle of the day.

      On planning, I’d focus on one park per day. DisneyWorld is objectively big, and it’s park is pretty big. This also makes planning easier to focus.

      Key things to do are calendar 60 days out and make all your dinning reservations. For us, having a sit down dinning reservation for dinner really helps ground the trip. You can cancel them as the trip gets closer.

      1. Making early dining reservations is a good tip, but day of so many people are changing their plans and moving reservations around that I’ve been able to score reservations with very little notice just by obsessively checking the app.

        1. +1 to expect that you’ll be glued to the app. I HATE that this is a requirement of theme parks these days and we’ve opted out of returning with our older teens.

          1. yeah I did a day at Disneyland with my elementary age kid and although we had a nice day overall and she loved it, I really hated how much you had to be on the app – and we weren’t even trying to do the big rides with the crazy long lines. The point of vacation for me is to be present with my kid, and if I’m not focused on her I’d rather be reading a book or something than staring at my phone.

            You will also almost certainly need a backup battery for your phone.

    4. Definitely hire a planner and be prepared to spend more than you would taking a European vacation. I love Disney, but it’s insane.

    5. If you have a teen then go late in the day when lines die down for a lot of things. Many families poop out around 6pm. We did universal recently and all the best rides were basically walk-on right before the parks closed.

    6. Oh- and set expectations in accordance with how your family operates. My kids are 8-14 and we asked what the really wanted to do. Spoiler: not get up at 6am to “rope drop” top attractions on vacation. they also didn’t care about the top themed restaurants and were fine with whatever was available. They were fine not doing the rides with the longest lines and instead picking lower line rides or waiting until evening when lines die down.

    7. For context I’m a TA who books Disney but it’s not my specialty. The Christmas-New Year’s week (including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) is pretty awful but beyond that, the crowds are manageable because spring breaks and fall breaks don’t all overlap.
      In general, attendance is a bit down in 2026 so even the busiest days this year are not as busy as the busiest days the past few years.
      And yes, money helps. Stay in an official Disney hotel for early entry hours, buy Lightning Lanes, do character dining on a day you don’t have park tickets to stretch the experience.
      Planners are mostly free but I don’t think it’s an absolute necessity. Character dining opens 60 days out (starting from your check-in date if you’re staying on property) and that’s the main thing you need to reserve in advance besides a hotel and park tickets. You will need to manage your own Lightning Lane reservations yourself since Disney policy prohibits TAs from doing this (some may be willing to take your password and log in as you to make your first advance reservation, but you’ll need to do it yourself in the park, so I would strongly recommend just figuring it out yourself from the get-go).

    8. their Genie thing is really amazing – I think it’s $15 per person? well worth the money, and i think you can also use it to book limited tickets for newer attractions if you get up at like 6 am (we did Tron while we were there via that). On the off chance your kid is ADHD or otherwise ND definitely look into the DAS pass, that made a huge difference for us as well, but they’ve really cracked down on it lately.

      1. I thought that DAS didn’t let you skip the line, just let you sit down somewhere else while waiting for your turn?

        1. DAS lets you sign up for a timed entry, so you can go do other things while you’re waiting for your turn rather than stand in line.

      2. Lightning Lane (replaced Genie+) is $45+tax/per person/day on peak days now. Inflation…

  6. I am constantly looking for beige/nude sneakers that I can wear with dresses. (And not look orthopedic.) I spotted a woman on an elevator today wearing sneakers that were covered in beige lace for the front 2/3 of the shoe (like through the tongue/laces) and then the back part was beige-y ivory, and there was a gold lip on the heel of the shoe like where it met her ankle. There was a narrow rectangle logo on the bottom of the heel like just above the ground, looked at least 1″ wide with a brand name but she was 3 people in front of me and I couldn’t squint to read it. Our elevator has all non-public floors so I didn’t want to bust in front of everyone else and ask her/scare here. Anyone have any idea of the brand??

    4. sounds like you’re talking about some of the newer ballet sneakers that are out?
      https://www.vivaia.com/products/XRPD01263/Cecily?gid=10033942
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/bone-colored-suede-and-nylon-13-10-sporty-ballerina/9061996?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll+Results&color=44444GK3TF
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/adidas-taekwondo-mei-ballet-flat-women/9138694?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll+Results&color=44444FZ8GU

    5. I love a good hunt, but am coming up short. Maybe something like this?

      https://www.lulus.com/products/voyage-ivory-lace-lace-up-sneakers/2586911.html

      https://www.zappos.com/p/womens-badgley-mischka-wylie-cream-crochet/product/10047716/color/470149?utm_source=google&utm_medium=pla_x&utm_campaign=23709491238&utm_term=_o_60799106&utm_content=_g__w__l_CjwKCAjwpqHTBhAcEiwAj2AfurEaM0cD6InrRlEFRNWJxlFGUSt8PKa6KDmji0_F2_Q4s2LjioSNXBoCptkQAvD_BwE&gbraid=0AAAAADnIwa-7RpW8cGeOfCIiyUECRF06m&gclid=CjwKCAjwpqHTBhAcEiwAj2AfurEaM0cD6InrRlEFRNWJxlFGUSt8PKa6KDmji0_F2_Q4s2LjioSNXBoCptkQAvD_BwE

      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/jimmy-choo-sunny-lace-low-top-sneakers-0400025637311.html?dwvar_0400025637311_size=37.5+%287.5%29&dwvar_0400025637311_color=LATTE+MIX&site_refer=CSE_GGLPLA%3AWomens_Shoes%3AJimmy+Choo&country=US&currency=USD&CSE_CID=SAKS_G_PLA_Women%27s+Shoes_Baseline%3ASAKS_G_PLA_Women%27s+Shoes_Baseline_Women%27s+Shoes&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23019487410&gbraid=0AAAAADO6JtSAqgLZS3czuChlmXNFxavJE&gclid=CjwKCAjwpqHTBhAcEiwAj2AfulDoqOK1tu8xjHbhplThwJWipGqrZ0uROUqRlyBifY5ZgV76VTkeAhoCsZwQAvD_BwE

      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/maison-margiela-replica-lace-trim-leather-sneakers-0400026979714.html?dwvar_0400026979714_color=WHITE

  7. Hi, friends! I ordered the Crocs Miami sandals that have been all over my social media and the straps feel a hair too tight. Does anyone have these and know if they get looser at all as you wear them? I’m curious whether it’s worth trying to break them in b/c they’re otherwise as cute and the footbed is as comfortable as folks say. Thanks!

    1. I have them and love them but the straps don’t stretch in my experience. And I have short legs so am often balancing on tiptoe in a chair (which in theory would stretch them). Instead I just end up with dents across the top of my foot if I do that.

    2. Have you tried the method of boiling (or pouring boiling water) and stretching them that you can do with regular crocs?

  8. For those of you not new to OSA and sleep studies and whether you need a CPAP, do you recall what your overnight O2 sats were? Mine when I’m awake are like 99%, no variance. But my SO has them when they are normal when awake and dismal at times when sleeping (like so low that EMTs would have protocols mandating supplemental oxygen). But overall, he’s “mild” and has a theory that it’s just time for GLP-1s vs a CPAP. This is a rabbit hole I’d like to get out of and now it just seems layers and layers deep (but the guest bedroom has a mattress that is amazing, so that is good at least).

    1. He’s probably right, losing weight cures a lot of apnea issues. My husband went from needing a cpap to not at all after a GLP1 weight loss.

    2. i have disruptive afternoon sleepiness (doze off at my desk, etc) and so have been tested at multiple points in my life. I don’t remember any of the numbers but i do remember that like lots of things, you can have mild test and severe symptons and vice versa. Meaning you can have mild apnea but a lot of sleepiness (me). there is no medical down to the CPAP for the wearer and other than it’s silly it doesn’t disrupt a partners (certainly less than snoring and i found the sound almost soothing, like white noise). give it a try!

      1. My family member has mild sleep apnea, and she feels a CPAP made a meaningful difference for her. It’s the difference between needing multiple naps a day and being able to function fine without naps. Sleep apnea can also lead to other serious problems over your lifetime, so I wouldn’t just poo poo a CPAP off the bat.

        1. This is how my dad is as well. Once he started using it, he described life without it as like perpetually having a mild groggy hangover ever day, and really notices it again when he doesn’t use it from time to time.

    3. I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea, and I am not overweight, so losing weight isn’t necessarily a fix for everyone. Sleep apnea depends on your anatomy and can also run in families, just mentioning that because people always mention losing weight as a go-to option but that might not actually be the root of the problem in every case. If you are anti-CPAP, you can also try a custom oral appliance made by a dentist that moves your jaw forward so that your throat stays open as you sleep (it can also reduce snoring, which you might appreciate). They are supposed to work well for mild and moderate sleep apnea.

    4. It’s really hard to lose weight with impaired sleep. Why not use the CPAP (with or without supplement oxygen) in conjunction with GLP1, and quit CPAP when it’s no longer needed? Assuming it’s really OSA (not central) and really from weight (which isn’t always the case).

    5. My husband got tirzepatide covered based on his sleep apnea diagnosis, not obesity, though he has a BMI that’s probably between 30-35. He’s been on a low dose for a few months and the difference in sleep apnea has been amazing. I no longer wake up to him snoring or tossing and turning on his phone. He’s lost some weight but honestly not a lot, and is doing a lot of resistance training to maintain muscle. I’d try a GLP1 before a CPAP, honestly.

      1. +1 – the CPAP machines are also seriously annoying, they look like hospital equipment and are a hassle to travel with. It’s like sleeping with someone on life support. While not all cases are weight related, many are and a GLP1 assists with rapid enough weight loss that I’d absolutely go that route first. Also, there are so many other benefits to weight loss that it’s a no brainer to start there.

        1. I wonder in some cases it’s the lowered inflammation rather than the weight loss that improves the apnea.

        2. Modern CPAP machines are small and sleek, highly portable, and quiet. I’d much rather hear a quiet fan while trying to sleep than loud snoring or gasping for air!

          1. I am referencing the modern ones, they are still like life support machines. They also interfere with middle of the night gardening and make your bedroom a nursing home situation. If you need it, you need it, but try other things first.

          2. That is a really harsh way to describe medical equipment many people need to live healthy lives. Geez.

          4. What? The truth is harsh? I said if you need it, you need it but it’s certainly worth trying other options first. There are a lot of negatives to them that are glossed over here. I don’t want to have a dead bed.

    6. After my sleep study, the sleep doctor told me that 90% is generally considered the cut-off, but there’s room for making judgment calls about whether 88/89 is acceptable.

      In my case they did not recommend a CPAP. My O2 dropped a few times for very short durations to about 88/89 when I was on my back but not my side. This was considered positional apnea that could be treated by staying off my back. In addition to using pillows for positioning, I got a Wellview ring that measures oxygen saturation when I sleep and vibrates to nudge me into enough alertness to get back on my side if my o2 drops below 90%. (The ring was something I decided to buy on my own and I find it helpful; it was not recommended by the sleep doctor.)

    7. Neither of you needs to figure out whether a GLP or a CPAP is “right” right now, he should just try one and see. Some people can’t tolerate a CPAP, some people don’t respond to GLPs. Whichever one he wants, he should do. If it works, great; if not, try something else. Someone else upthread suggests trying both, which also seems like a great idea. He fixes the apnea now, while gradually losing weight (and getting good sleep will support that goal, too), and can ditch the CPAP when/if he no longer needs it.

      For what this is worth, my husband resisted a CPAP for years, saying the apnea was mild and weight-related so he just needed to lose weight. This was pre-GLPs, so he didn’t lose the weight and he kept having sleep apnea. He eventually got a CPAP, and our lives are a lot better now.

  9. I’m traveling to Mexico for the first time and I am not normally a beach vacation person. I just bought a new swimsuit but I think I may need some kind of coverup or large shirt to wear on top of my not-toned 50 year old body. What do you normally wear on top of your swimsuit and what can I get that will be the most versatile and get the most rewear?

    2. To go in the water, or to sit on the beach? For going in the water, Lands’ End has dresses and shirts made out of swimsuit material. For sitting on the beach, an oversized linen button up seems practical.

      1. I think it’s more for walking to and from the swimming pool from my room and back and maybe going to a cafe or restaurant nearby. I rarely sit at the beach and generally don’t really swim except to take a quick dip in the pool or sauna.

    3. This is an entire wardrobe category for me. So many things, caftans, beach pants and t-shirt, oversized button downs with shorts, etc.

        1. Not really, I love Emerson Fry for light cotton dresses but my stuff is everything from fancy to Target.

        2. I use Old Navy or H&M for this. With sand and chlorine and saltwater, I wanted light dresses that machine wash easily and, if they stain, I don’t care.

    4. “sets” are popular right now (like lightweight eyelet shorts and top) and then you can mix and match the pieces to wear separately later.

    5. I live by the beach and own a number of pretty cover-ups but somehow always end up in my Vineyard Vines Hartley Harbor Cover-Up shirt. It’s flattering, UPF 30, and dries very quickly.

    7. Most of my coverups are things I wear regularly as normal clothes, but I do live in Florida. I have some gauze and linen shorts I regularly wear from J crew/gap/old navy. I also like the Athleta brooklyn shorts because those dry really quickly. I have a couple linen long sleeve button downs, so it’s all pretty mix and match. I also like wearing a sunshirt, because i’m not great at applying sunscreen. My favorite is the peter millar ones, but lands end also makes them.

    8. The absolute most rewear is to repurpose a T-shirt or Hawaiian shirt that you already own.
      But if you’re anything like me, you think a lot about your imperfections beforehand, pack three options for coverups, and end up having fun at the pool with everyone else who also has normal looking bodies and mostly forgetting about this. If you have a UV protection shirt like they do for hiking, that could also be useful.

    9. I almost exclusively read on the kindle app on my phone, partially for this reason!

      If I’m standing waiting for the subway, that’s 3 minutes I can read!

    10. You don’t need to think twice about a “not-toned 50 year old body”… you’ll see all kinds of bodies at a Mexican beach resort. You will need a cover up to go into indoor restaurants, however. I normally bring a linen long-sleeved shirt and linen pants but I’m also looking for sun protection from my cover-ups so I want as much skin covered as possible.

    11. I’m a sarong person while traveling – it’s just a long piece of fabric and a pin or clip, so it’s super portable and versatile. Technically you don’t even need a clip, but I find it makes my life easier, so I bring one instead of tying knots. Make sure you get one that’s long enough/big enough for you without being so long it’s unwieldy. It’s also usable as a sun shade, a beach towel, I dip it in the water and use it to cool off… You do have to figure out your favorite way to tie it when you want to wear it as a cover up, but I’ve got my 2 go-tos and it takes just a minute to throw on.

    12. I like wearing an oversized white linen button up and linen shorts. I can throw on the shirt if I start to burn but it won’t be hot. Or I can walk around in the shorts with a bathing suit for a bit more comfort/to prevent chafing.

  10. I’m thinking of getting some Jo Malone candles off eBay. Do I need to worry about counterfeit candles or old candles that have gone bad?

    2. your best case here is someone received them as a gift but doesn’t like candles. Worst cases would be old, fake, or ‘fell off the truck’…

      1. Fancy candles are re-giftable so I doubt this is the case. Assume they’re counterfeit or ancient.

  11. What are some places where I can find solid hardwood furniture with clean lines other than Room & Board and Article, with showrooms within a day trip of central VA? The algorithm has figured out that I’m furniture shopping and keeps feeding me ads for small internet-based companies, but I don’t want to buy anything I can’t see in person. I am looking to mix MCM and Shaker styles in finishes like natural walnut, natural cherry, natural maple, and whitewashed oak. I like a lot of the pieces at Thos. Moser, but that’s a price tier above my budget.

    1. Why not buy authentic MCM and shaker? Lots on FB marketplace and typically much better quality than you’re getting in a modern repro (unless you spend $$$$$).

      1. Where we live FB marketplace is all garbage. I hate antiquing. And we already have enough antiques and hand-me-downs that we are mixing in. I just want some new mid-grade things.

        1. Well there is no magic inexpensive solid wood furniture if you aren’t willing to put in the work. Good luck.

          1. She never said she was looking for inexpensive. She wants to see stuff in person, which is not unreasonable.

          2. She named Room & Board as an example, and I don’t think anyone would call that inexpensive.

      2. Ha! In my area, that is a pipe dream. Authentic MCM/ Shaker is either not on fb marketplace or it’s snapped up fast or it’s expensive af. Or all 3.

        2. I’m convinced y’all are just bad at marketplacing. It takes time and strategy.

          1. I don’t have the time and energy for that. I have other hobbies that are much more interesting and rewarding than endlessly scrolling FB in search of someone else’s castoffs. I just want to go to a store and pick something out that can be delivered in less than 12 weeks.

          2. Or we live in areas where MCM didn’t really take off the first time around so the used market is basically non-existent.

          3. A lot of marketplace listings are scams. It might seem like there’s a lot of good stuff out there but not all of it is something you can legitimately buy.

    2. You have to be selective but Green Front in Farmville. La Diff in Richmond and Txtur in Richmond/Roanoke might also be possibilities although Txtur has a pretty small selection of pieces.

      1. Yeah Green Front and La Diff should be on the list.

        First place I’d go would be Clores though. They have a showroom in Madison. The craftsmanship is outstanding and I don’t know where you’d find more classic hardwood pieces, all made by a true Central Virginia heritage company. Plus Madison is adorable so a great spot for a day trip anyway :)

        1. Ooh, Clore’s sounds perfect! La Diff and Green Front are already on our list to visit, although I do not have high hopes for either on the basis of previous experiences and ads.

    4. Amish. My parents bought a custom dining table and end tables from some Amish store in North Carolina. I’m sure there are places in Virginia that do the same.

  12. Any advice for working with a contractor who used to be an employee? Not the legal side, but the interpersonal side.

    Said contractor has a startup company that does some work for us. He has not been an official employee for 5+ years but has worked with us in some capacity since then. I don’t have any input into his contract, but I lead a team that interacts with him very frequently. This arrangement had worked well for a long time, and that seems to be slowly shifting. Some of us are noticing that the contractor still approaches problem solving like he’s working for the organization that he left, not the organization it is today. The culture has changed as leadership has shifted, new employees have joined, the OGs have left, etc. Several people have pointed out that when they provide feedback, he tends to get defensive and push his solutions anyway, sometimes referencing past projects that are no longer relevant.

    What is my role in this situation? Because we’ve worked together for a long time and have a certain level of trust, I have gently pointed out when I think he’s misreading a situation and have tried to clarify priorities and what we need today. But I’m still sensing tension, and I’m not sure how to fix it, or if it’s even my role to fix it! The boundaries around this arrangement have been odd from the start, but we all made it work. Now the feedback I’m getting suggests that people are not super happy with him, and I also sense more frustration on his end, which is out of character. I feel like I’m getting caught in the middle. Should I have a more direct conversation with him about what I’m seeing? Or is that just asking for trouble?

    1. Who oversees the contractor? I would start by talking to them. In my organization, I would describe the issue to that person, they would either address the contractor themselves or would give me permission (or not) to talk to the contractor. The contractor doesn’t need to be handled with kid gloves, but if we want to continue using them we want to be kind while making it clear the org has changed since they were in-house, and they need to understand and accommodate that. If they cannot move past the past, then we will wind down the contract.

  13. I am fighting the midlife flab and am overwhelmed by the amount of advice out there about how to address this. Weight loss would be great, but I think I’d actually be okay with my size if I didn’t look so flabby around the middle. I’ve been a pear shape my whole life, and this is really throwing me for a loop.

    I know I need to:
    – lift weights more often – I am still very confused about what lifting heavy actually means. Heavy compared to what?
    – shift my workout strategy – I quit OTF a few months ago because I felt like it was stressing out my body more than it was helping, but any gains I’d made are already gone, which is depressing. I’ve been walking instead. It’s fine, and I’m moving, but is it actually burning any fat?
    – eat fewer treats and snacks

    There are a million and one influencers trying to peddle programs to do all of these things, but do they actually work?! I feel like I’ve tried doing all this on my own and have failed, so if you’ve found something that is reasonable to stick to and actually gives you some good results, please tell me what it is.

    1. Bring this all up with your doctor next time you get a check up. Flabby around the middle can be an endocrine thing so you want to know what you’re dealing with.

      1. I started HRT about a month ago. I’m hoping it helps some, but it’s too early to tell.

          1. Yes, this is my experience. HRT did not help. The only thing that helped my belly flab is losing weight.

    2. I’d suggest separating out these goals:

      1 stronger muscles
      2 losing weight
      3 your mid section looking the way you want it to.

      It sounds like you’re stuck because you’re looking for a way to get goals 1 and 2 to add up to goal 3.

    3. Heavy often means a focus on fewer reps of heavy weight vs many reps of a light weight. I’m liking the Strong Lifts 5×5 app, which is a very simple workout plan that focuses on scaling up to heavy lifting of the most important muscle groups. It’s only a few different exercises and it’s very formulaic, so maybe not the best if you need something varied or dynamic to keep your attention, but it is effective!

      1. this – i always feel like it’s heavy compared to the 1/2/3/5 lb weights women were encouraged to use (lest we get too muscley!) and instead tells you that it’s ok to start with 10/15/20 and go up from there.

    4. Heavy is individual. It means that in a set of 8-10 reps you are really working for the last 2-3 reps and that at the end of the set you don’t feel like you could do another, but not so heavy that you compromise your form.

    5. Weight lifting with progressive overload works. It’s good for you. You should do it 3x a week. Heavy means the last few reps are hard. You should try, but not succeed to lift a little more or do one more rep each time.

      You should hire a trainer at the gym you plan to go to. You should ask for a dead simple 3x week full body program that takes 30-45 minutes. She should walk you through 2-3 sets of 3-5 exercises. You meet with her until you have the form down on these basic exercises and aren’t scared of gym bros. Probably two or three sessions. You should be able to do it by yourself for about 3 months and then revaluate and have another session to track goals and get at slightly new plan. It will be similar. You just keep going.

      It’s the best exercise you can do for your bones and muscles. You don’t need faux spirituality, a skinny 25 year old telling you to breathe or a man in short yoga pants farting in front of you. It’s hard but it’s pretty quick and literally half of the workout is resting. You don’t need a specialized gym or anyone else’s schedule. Good luck.

      1. All of this. Hiring a trainer a few months ago was hugely beneficial for me – he’s helped me understand the correct form for things I used to do a million years ago, has introduced me to new exercises, and (at my request) pushed me to train through my discomfort. I have PT once a week, but average an additional 3-4 sessions on my own. Eventually, I will stop the PT since it is expensive, but it is really helpful right now.

    6. I’m 44 and right there with you. What has worked so far:
      Doing my very best to hit 8-10k steps a day (walking treadmill or walks during lunch help)
      Cutting down way down on alcohol and sweets. I still have both but less frequently and smaller amounts
      Lifting heavy 2-3x/week. I mostly use dumbells/kettlebells. What surprised me was how fast weight workouts are – I can do a 5-10 minute cardio warm up, 6-8 weight exercises, and some core/flexibility moves from PT and be done in 35-45 minutes flat and this is with breaks to let my HR come down in between sets. If I’m only doing weights I can be done with 6 exercises in about 20 minutes.
      I’m only down a few pounds so far but seeing the definition in my body is a great motivator.

    7. Heavy means that the exercise isn’t easy. It should become difficult after a few reps but you should still be able to finish them all. If you’re looking for a program to follow, Nourish Move Love is free and great. There are also many great influencer programs out there. You just want to find something that you don’t mind doing and stick with it.

  14. Someone recommended an Australian swimsuit brand that’s good for a sporty look with molded cups but I can’t find it when I search for it. Anyone happen to recall what that was?

  15. LinkedIn question. I publish under “Jane Q. Doe,” partly to distinguish myself from another Jane Doe who publishes in the same field and for whom I am often mistaken. LinkedIn doesn’t have an option for a middle initial, so my first name appears as “Jane Q.” and my last name as “Doe.” If people are searching for me or trying to tag me and just search for “Jane Doe,” will the “Q.” prevent them from finding me? In other words, do I need to drop the middle initial on LinkedIn?

    1. no, the search pulls up full names for me. If someone is really sleuthing and scrolls down in the search results, they will be offered all possible matches, with middle initials and alternative spellings like Jayne Doe and Jane Dough.

    2. If you don’t care about getting any money out of them I’d take them to Goodwill or your local charity place. You dint have to worry about what happens to them after that.

    3. Are you in a field where an orcid or google scholar link or scopus ID would pull up your pub history?

      There’s a lot of people out there with my name and this does the trick for me.

      1. That would be the way to disambiguate my identity once they had found me on LinkedIn, but I am wondering how to get them to find me there in the first place.

  16. I am cleaning out a storage unit from my parents and came across several bins with a bunch of 1980s Hallmark-quality Christmas ornaments as well as kids toys from that same era (Cabbage Patch dolls, Lincoln Logs, mixed tub of random Lego sets, etc.). They are in good but played-with vintage condition. I am not sentimental and do not want to keep these. Is there enough of a market that if I donate them they might get sold or should I just throw it all away? I don’t have a dumpster for this project so I would need to dole them into my curbside bin over the course of several weeks.

    1. Do you have a vintage toy resale shop in your area? My DH had some Star Wars collectibles and they snapped them up. Way easier than trying to put them on Marketplace or whatever. But also, zero shade if you decide to pitch them altogether.

      1. Plenty of people would shade. Give them to goodwill or somewhere else. They will sell.

    2. There’s a market for these. Or save them for a neighborhood garage sale if you have one.

    3. Definitely don’t throw away. Donate or post on Freecycle and they will be taken fast.

      A tub of random Legos is quite valuable. Parents will jump at these.

      Nothing is valuable enough I would waste time trying to sell them though.

    4. A collector might be interested but I wouldn’t give them away to kids. Toy safety standards have changed DRAMATICALLY since that time (including heavy metals standards) and it’s best for kids to play with modern toys. I love family antiques myself but recently threw away a brightly painted toy that I’m almost certain would test very positive for lead and cadmium.

      1. YMMV but I’m an 80s kid and my parents saved all my old toys and my kids played with them. People regularly give away old (even older than 80s) toys in our neighborhood FB group, and they’re gone instantly. I don’t think OP is going to have any problem giving these away to families who will use them. Any child who is old enough for Legos isn’t putting their toys in their mouth, and if they’re not chewing on the toys this isn’t really a concern for a lot of people.

    5. do you have FB? You can definitely give them away very very quickly (with people coming to your place to pick-up) if you post there. You can probably sell the Legos which are surprisingly expensive, but the other stuff I would just donate because the money made won’t be worth the time spent finding and negotiating with a buyer.

    6. Look up the items on ebay and filter for sold items only. this will show you the price similar things have sold for (not what they list for).

    7. Random mixed Legos are sold by the pound, and they sell quickly. So definitely yes on the Legos.

    8. If there’s a whole storage unit of things you may want to call an estate sale company, they get shocking amounts of money for junk.

  17. i was the poster asking about the oral GPS. question, when i am honest i know i eat too many white carbs, and sweets. like it’s not like i don’t know why i am having than i want to be. Does GPS really help this sort of indulging? It’s hard for me to get my head around it.

    1. My GPS definitely helps me indulge by giving me directions to the bakery and the ice cream shop.

    2. It does help! Sugar is addictive and while it doesn’t take away the craving for it, it deadens the obsession of wanting it.

      1. I’m dying at the idea of GPS curbing food cravings. Like it just starts talking to you in that funny voice “DON’T. EAT. NOW!”

    5. At least start by not buying them when you shopping. Or just buy one thing, and if you eat it all in one day, that’s all until you shop next.

  18. Please help me develop a more effective argument to encourage my son to adopt healthier eating habits. He is often reluctant to eat my homemade meals, primarily because I focus on preparing dishes that are under 500 calories, relatively low in salt, sugar, and butter, while emphasizing legumes and vegetables. Although my cooking may not be restaurant-quality, I believe it is a better choice than frozen pizza (which we still eat about once a month).

    He is 15 years old, a foodie (and significantly overweight). He insists that all food should include butter or oil and that taste should be the top priority. I have explained that we dine out approximately three times a week, which is where many of the tastier meals come from, along with one or two nights with big desserts like cake or bowls of ice cream. I’ve encouraged him to think about food in terms of a budget, and stressed that there are sometimes foods and everyday foods… and in order to accommodate our food budget we need to focus on nutritious, home-cooked meals on the other days. He won’t listen and tends to make his own foods instead that tend to be high carb and low protein.

    1. There’s a lot to unpack here. 3 restaurant meals/week is a lot, and I say that as someone who eats out or gets takeout quite a bit. But also <500 calories is a crazy amount for a dinner for a growing teenager, especially an overweight one (bigger people need more calories to maintain). If he's at least average height, he's probably consuming 2,500+ calories a day currently, and cutting down to even 2,000 calories would work out to a pound/week of weight loss. 500 calorie dinners sounds like a crash diet which is never going to work. And often with children, they don't encourage weight loss, just weight maintenance so they can grow into their weight.
      I would hire a dietician to discuss all this with and help you come up with meal plans.

      1. Agree. You aren’t cooking appropriate food. I’ll add that he probably does require more butter and fats.

      2. +1. He’s 15 – it’s likely he’s got another growth spurt ahead of him.

        The harder you push, the harder he’s going to push back and/or develop some really disordered eating habits. He’s old enough to see a dietician solo and come up with meal ideas.

        Also – is 500 calories enough for YOUR meals? Obvs I’m not your doctor, but are you possibly restricting yourself more than necessary, and it’s contributing to the issue?

      3. 500 calories for a meal for a teen is not enough! And I bet your cooking is very bland. I can understand him not liking it!

    2. It is very possible to cook delicious, healthy, vegetable-laden meals. I do it every day. If you are serving dry, flavorless piles of beans and plain veg, no wonder he wants to cook his own rich foods. You need to choose recipes that include a bit of olive oil or butter (like 1-2T for a whole pan), a little salt if it’s not part of one of the other ingredients (like canned tomatoes or broth or soy sauce), lots of seasoning, and some sort of sauce to prevent the dish from being dry. Bonus points for the addition of an acid like vinegar or citrus juice.

      No one should ever have to eat anything that is not delicious in the name of healthy eating. There are too many delicious healthy foods out there for that to be necessary.

      1. +1. In addition to the seasoning suggestions above add healthy fats (olive oil, nuts, seeds, avocados) to fill him up. Balanced meals are good, low calorie for a teenage boy is not.

        Instead of three separate items on the plate (chicken, pile of sautéed spinach, side of rice) try cooking a single dish with multiple components. Like stir fry with diced chicken and veggies, lasagna with more vegetables than cheese, a whole wheat pasta bake, etc.

        1. Yes to one-dish meals! They are generally more flavorful than separate protein/starch/veg with less work.

    3. Maybe read through the Salt Acid Fat Whatever cookbook together? It is hard to get flavor without salt. You need some fat also. Fat is not the enemy and some salt is your friend. 500 calories also seems really restrictive. Like this a dry chicken br3ast? That looks like a lot of work for food that I think could probably be meh in and savory / satisfying / mouth feel department.

      Also: no one needs a trough of dessert on the regular. That has to go if he is trying to eat healthier.

      1. If anyone served me a dry chicken breast and vegetables with no oil or butter, of course I’d be unsatisfied and starving. Oh wait, that’s how I was raised and I totally binged in secret whenever I could. It took 2 decades for my eating to normalize once I was on my own.

          1. I’m sure that’s why. If she posted a sample meal, I’m sure it would be illuminating.

    4. So you’re preparing diet meals of <500 calories with minimal or no fat and you're surprised he's not enticed by them? Fat helps absorption of key nutrients and increases satiety. You're setting him up to overeat at the first opportunity to access other food.

    5. An overweight 15 year old is not likely to listen to you especially if you’re trying to feed him 500 calories of legumes instead of cake.

      You probably need to pull in the experts here (his pediatrician, a dietician and probably an obesity specialist).

      There’s a chance that he needs those calories to grow and will balance out his weight when he hits his peak growth spurt. His medical team would be the right ones to help come up with a better plan.

    6. A lot to unpack here but the feast or famine of eating out three times a week and then eating dinners at home with no fat would drive me crazy. Can you eat at home more often but loosen the reigns on home cooked meals a bit? That will still be much healthier than dining out. It sounds like your son is interested in food and cooking so you could encourage him to participate in meal planning and cooking as well. Your budget analogy does not resonate with me as an adult and would not resonate with me as a teen. I eat very nutritious, healthy food but it still involves some butter and flavor.

      2. Yeah the swing between frequent restaurant meals that are probably 2,000+ calories and bland meals at home that are less than 500 calories is crazy to me. I’m not sure the kid is the issue here because it sounds like the mom has some pretty disordered ideas about food. Why not try eating out less and eating tasty meals at home in moderate portion sizes?

        1. He doesn’t need moderate portion sizes if the food is otherwise good. It’s the eating other stuff because the food is not good that’s the problem. And why so much dessert?

          1. By “moderate portions” I mainly meant “smaller than restaurant portions” which are huge. I agree that moderating portion sizes of healthy homemade meals isn’t one of the top concerns here.

        3. The idea of a food budget makes me uncomfortable. I get that it’s important to pay attention to the overall picture of what you’re eating, but it seems like a fast track towards disordered eating, especially in a teen. Any philosophy where you’ve used up your “allowance” of what you can eat or restrict what you eat based on your past behavior can skew into bad territory.

          1. And even if you’re sticking to a food budget, some people do better moderating than binging + abstaining.

            I don’t count calories but if someone told me I had to average no more than 1,000 calories at every meal, I would rather have 6 homemade 1,000 calorie meals with flavor and fat rather than 2 restaurant meals with 2,000 calories and 4 homemade starvation meals of 500.

          2. This. It’s why food tracking has not worked well for me. It becomes disordered really quickly for me, unfortunately. Or I’m skimping on healthy options because I want to “save room” for treats.

    7. Does he really understand the “whys” behind healthy eating? I can see how that might be very difficult to impress on a teenager (especially a teen boy) for whom real consequences may feel very, very far away. But if he’s already overweight, surely he can realize that choices do have very real outcomes. What will this mean for his ability to do things he enjoys as he gets older? Sports? Outdoor activities? Simply walking around with ease? Heart disease?

      Seems like you bounce back and forth between low calorie, potentially not satiating, meals and delicious restaurant meals and treats. Is there a way you can even this out? It’s hard for veggies and legumes to compete with restaurant meals and cake and ice cream… I too would be craving that if I had it that often. But maybe more home cooked meals with a bit more butter or oil and fewer restaurant meals would be better re: overall calorie count and nutrition and cut the cravings for high carb, buttery, salty foods.

    9. The budget analogy is weird. There are plenty of white bean, roasted chicken and greens stew recipes w butter/oil (you both genuinely need fats) that are hearty, delicious, and low effort. Calorie restriction is not the goal. Appreciating good food (not necessarily unhealthy food) is the goal. Add salt and garlic.

      1. My stepmom used to make falafels with literally JUST the falafel in a pita to cut down on fat, salt, and calories. Imagine my surprise when I tried a falafel in Greece with garlic sauce, fresh tomatoes, pickled red onions, and cucumbers and discovered it could actually taste good.

    10. You aren’t making food that is appropriate for a teenage boy, so he doesn’t want to eat it and pigs out on carbs and ice cream instead.

      Why not just feed him lean chicken, some pasta or rice, and some veg? Throw some BBQ sauce on the chicken to make it taste good. Sub in sweet potatoes when you have time to cook them.

    11. My argument is for you to educate yourself on the dietary needs of a growing teenage boy and not attempt to restrict your son to <500 calorie meals that meet the approval of 90s era pop culture diet trends.

    12. Let him cook. Give him access to New York Times recipes and let him experiment. Your needs are clearly different than his, and I’m not sure your point of view is correct.

    13. Maybe there is a compromise to be found. For example, I have a 9 year old boy, who likes only one vegetable – broccoli. I am a-okay with cooking said broccoli in oil and salt and roasting it nice and crispy for him because that means that he will eat about half the bag. His favorite meal I cook is baked salmon and broc, and frankly, there’s butter and garlic on the salmon and oil and salt on the broc, but gosh darn it, a 9 year old boy ate salmon and broc for dinner, so I think it’s a win?

      1. +1. Butter is chock-full of vitamins, healthy saturated fat (yes, it’s not the 90s anymore), and it’s delicious. We use it often!

        1. Let’s not go overboard. Many of us have high cholesterol that doesn’t let us eat all the saturated fat we would like. Not everyone seems to remember this.

          I wonder if the OPs son has early signs of hypertension or high cholesterol, as the super restriction of fats and salt (in particular) seems way overboard.

          1. If so, a lot of meals high in starchy carbs may not be helping.

            It sounds like they should see a different dietitian if this is where the last one landed them.

    15. My son was similarly overweight at that age, and ate mostly carbs, partly due to food allergies and childhood eating habits that he hadn’t yet fully outgrown. All I can tell you is he became serious about weight loss and fitness on his own after college and is a healthy weight now, works out daily, etc. I agree with the recommendation to see an RD, but no one, including our children, are going to lose weight or eat healthier because we tell them to. The motivation needs to come from within. As for his foodie habits, it sounds like he’s channeling food influencers, so maybe this is more of a concern for your to address.

      1. If he’s truly a foodie, social media will not be influencing him to cook a bunch of carbs as OP describes. It will be influencing him to visit seven different ethnic grocery stores for spices and ingredients and the farmer’s market for grass-fed meats and locally grown produce, then dirty every pot and pan in the kitchen. At least that’s what it influences my teen foodie to do.

        2. What the algorithm provides depends on what he is clicking on. After eating sad little no salt under 500 calorie meals at home he is probably training the algorithm to send him unhealthy inspiration.

          Teenage boys need to learn to menu plan and cook anyway. I think OP ought to unpack her own dietary baggage, leave it behind, and refer him to at least somewhat healthy resources (Pinch of Yum or Detoxinista are my immediate thoughts on that), then have him plan and execute one meal a week for the family from grocery list to clean up.

    16. OP here – i do cook with oil and fat but i’m not just disassociating while pouring olive oil into a pan without measuring it. he’ll use an entire stick of butter to make bolognaise sauce.

      1. I truly do not thing that you need to measure olive oil you are adding to a pan to coat it for cooking. Just a thin layer. You’re not deep-frying. You can develop judgment on this without measuring. I believe in you!

      2. I regularly use whole sticks of butter in my pastas. It isn’t a bad choice–it sounds like you’re scared of butter.

        1. Agree with this. I love butter! I would focus less on subtracting butter and more on adding healthy things. If you’re adding grilled chicken and roasted broccoli to the pasta, you can get full on a portion that’s lower calorie and more filling (and healthier in general) than if you’re just eating pasta and sauce. Let him make the sauces he likes and focus on adding proteins and veggies to every dish.

          1. +1
            Don’t focus on eating less of anything, focus on eating more of the things he’s missing and the other stuff will naturally fall away.

      3. It sounds like he 1) Needs more flavor, and 2) Wants meals that are satisfying. I think you’ll have better luck with adding than subtracting. So cook him pasta but it needs to contain meat and lots of vegetables. He’ll get full with fewer noodles.

        A stick of butter per dish is obviously crazy but I’m still convinced you need to up your cooking game. More seasonings and acid, layering multiple ingredients to build complex flavors, and repeating recipes less often. It sounds juvenile but cook less legumes and “diet” food.

      4. the first few hits on my Google search for traditional ragu sauce (Bolognese) contain half a stick of butter or a bit more, so he’s not too far off!

        1. Am I the only one who thinks using a stick of butter in a sauce is fine? The sauce is feeding a family of 4 (or being saved for leftovers if your family size is smaller than that). No one is drinking a cup of pasta sauce. You’re getting at most 2T of butter from the sauce, which seems fine.

          1. We don’t know if he’s cooking for the whole family or if he’s saving leftovers. If he’s eating the whole bolognese himself, that’s probably too much, despite him being a teen.

          2. It’s totally fine. We’re just fighting old mindsets that butter should be used sparingly.

          3. I wouldn’t put that much butter in a pot of sauce, but only because that would make the sauce unpleasantly greasy.

          4. Regardless of how much butter it has, if he’s eating an entire family’s portion of pasta sauce, that’s the real issue(and I think OP would have led with that). She seems very fixated on the butter in the sauce, which shouldn’t be an issue with a normal portion size.

          5. I mean, butter, like most foods, has good nutritional value and can also cause problems in excessive quantities. It’s not necessarily 90s diet culture to be *thinking* about “is this a whole stick of butter meal or a half stick one”, or “am I getting all my fats from butter, or a mix of oil + dairy, etc”.

          6. My favorite tomato sauce recipe involves a stick of butter. It’s not an everyday thing and it’s delicious.

            Op my mil does this: she gets really upset about a specific ingredient or food that she just deems too unhealthy to eat. For her it’s TRIPLE cream brie. I think she says “TRIPLE CREAM” like it was a war crime. It isn’t. It’s a lovely cheese some of us enjoy sometimes. I’m not a mental health professional but I think she has disordered thoughts on food that lead her to demonize particular foods rather than look at the big picture. I think it’s better to have fat in your dairy than be hungry, shamed about food and sneaking desserts and junk food.

    17. Why can’t you encourage him to cook his own food? Your food isn’t good to him (probably because you aren’t using actual spices). For instance, he could learn to make say black bean tacos with a healthier wrap with the beans seasoned in paprika, cumin, garlic, onions, tomatoes, etc. He can learn about the tradeoffs of different fats and seasoning. I was cooking by the time I was his age and he certainly needs to develop that skill anyway.

      And yes as everyone pointed out, 1200-1500 calories a day isn’t appropriate for a 15 year old boy. Also, food should taste good. That sounds like your own food issues you’re projecting on your kid.

    18. I’m kind of surprised by all of the “500 per meal isn’t enough” people. Am I the only one cooking with Skinnytaste and people like Zach Cohen?

      1. That’s just not enough fuel for me, and I’m a short woman with a sedentary job. I can’t power through my day on this.

        1. I’m so fascinated that we’re in a culture where kids are never ever supposed to diet yet everyone on this board knows exactly how many calories a teenage boy needs per meal.

          1. “Don’t underfeed your kid” and “don’t underfeed your kid” seem like two consistent messages to me.

          2. I mean, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that teen boys eat much more than middle-aged women. I had to google for the exact recommended calorie intake and even within that range it varies quite a bit by height, weight and activity level, but I have a sense of what a 500 calorie meal is and I know it wouldn’t satisfy me, a relatively sedentary 40something woman, so there’s no way it’s going to satisfy a teenage boy.

      3. 500 calories per meal is about right for a smaller woman like me who’s aiming for a total of around 2,000 calories a day including snacks and lattes. A teenage boy needs a lot more food than that.

      4. No, you’re not. But a 45 year old woman needs about 1600-1800 calories if sedentary. A 15 year old boy needs 2000-2400. He’s probably not eating a double portion of food he doesn’t like either.

      5. I need ~1900 daily calories to maintain my weight if I am engaging in minimal exercise. Sticking with meals that are only 500 calories would cause me to lose weight. Throw in a few good workouts and that’s a problem.

        1. You don’t eat snacks? I agree 1500 calories per day is extreme, and definitely unhealthy for a teen boy. But I snack a lot – mostly healthy snacks, but fruits and nuts have significant calories.

          1. Not that poster, but I don’t snack. I also only eat two real meals a day although at least one of the meals definitely includes dessert.

          2. Not usually, no. Maybe an apple in the afternoon between lunch and dinner. That’s barely 100 calories, not enough to make up the difference if I were limiting myself to under 500 calories per meal.

          4. I am vehemently anti-snacking myself–I feel like it’s a bad habit. I just eat meals.

          5. One of my parenting hot takes is that kid snack culture is completely out of control. Young toddlers with tiny stomachs may need multiple small meals each day, but by the time kids are in preschool and certainly by elementary school there is no good reason they can’t eat three square meals a day. We’re not obsessed with healthy eating (my kids basically live on bread, and I bake desserts all the time) but I just don’t understand this constant grazing on food between meals.

          6. I can either live by lightly grazing throughout the day, or stick with strict three squares a day. If I do full meals and add in snacks I will overeat.

      6. Yes. This is dated and disordered. Do you, but most people choose not to eat that way anymore.

        3. I’m struggling with this board today. Watching calories is dated and disordered, but GLP1’s are celebrated and apparently tossed around like candy, and we’re told that it’s a healthy goal to get back to our high school weight. I personally cannot reconcile these viewpoints.

          1. It’s all consistent, though. If counting calories is disordered and having a goal weight is disordered and being overweight is also disordered, the answer is to take a drug that magically makes you land at some random weight that is lower than your current weight.

          2. It is not hard to reconcile! Watching calories doesn’t work well for many people because the cause of their weight gain isn’t behavioral, it’s medical. GLP1s address the actual cause of the weight gain, so they work well and result in better health outcomes.

          3. GLP-1’s make digestion take longer, so you are full for a longer period of time. This has nothing to do with the quality of food you should be eating. Calories in/calories out is old thinking because it’s not accurate. Eat more protein, dairy, good fats, and vegetables. Fast every now and then, but do all of these things as an adult. Don’t force it on to growing children.

          4. So the simple answer is OP’s kid should be on GLP1’s. Why is everyone piling on mom then?

          5. This sounds like rationalizing to me:

            It shifts the blame: It removes personal choice and makes people feel completely helpless.

            It ignores the rules of thermodynamics: Weight change still follows the laws of energy intake and output, it’s just that people overestimate their TDEE

            It pretends lifestyle habits do not matter at all once a medical issue is present.

          6. People are piling on mom because 500 calories is an absolutely absurd dinner portion for a teen boy. That’s basically almond mom territory, even if the child is overweight.

            I think it’s an entirely possible a GLP1 would be helpful here, but that’s a decision to be made in consultation with doctors and dieticians. And personally I’d try stopping the constant restaurant meals before I’d try a GLP1. I love restaurant food and eat out way more than I should and even I don’t average 3 restaurant meals/week.

          7. No, the answer is that OP should listen to her kid’s pediatrician. Kids aren’t fully grown and really need nutrition!

          8. No, everyone should be on GLP1s. Everyone who doesn’t weigh their high school weight is dangerously unhealthy (and doesn’t look as hot as me). Avoiding GLP1s, even when you’re not overweight, just means you hate fat people. /s

          9. I think we were all grateful to shed the mindset that in order to be healthy, we had to eat salad and low fat dressing and lean proteins only. Now that food understanding has evolved, we know we can be just as healthy with fatty cuts of meat, dairy, and butter, too—just smaller portions. This doesn’t conflict with GLP-1 use. It’s more that what is good for your body, face, and skin has evolved, and it’s not low-fat diet.

          10. Actually I believe that! Dieting is hard on a 45 year old lady. It takes my entire mental stamina. It’s downright stupid first teenage boy. Glp -1s are indeed a godsend and allow me to get healthy while eating real meals, including butter, in appropriate portions. It’s amazing to focus on fiber and protein instead of calorie restriction and still be thin.
            Why shouldn’t everyone have them?

            I feel like some of you all just want to pass down food shaming because dieting and calorie restriction are skills you’ve developed and if glp-1s take that away you’ve lost something. I love the idea that calorie restriction and “budgeting” are no longer skills that I need. The glp 1 does it for me!

          11. No that’s silly. Those of us who were never overweight always have the advantage of smooth skin that was never stretched out sot it’s not sagging at a normal weight. We’re always going to look different.

          12. “I feel like some of you all just want to pass down food shaming because dieting and calorie restriction are skills you’ve developed and if glp-1s take that away you’ve lost something.”

            Pushing back on the constant refrain that everyone should be on a GLP-1 (which is really irritating, TBH) is not passing down food shaming or any endorsement of calorie restriction as a skill. Come on. Can you please just keep your malignant fantasies about what non-GLP-1 users are thinking about you to yourself instead of constantly pushing them on everyone?

          13. I was a healthy weight in high school. Why would you think that’s no longer a healthy weight? My body didn’t magically change when they bestowed the diploma. Are we all supposed to target a different weight upon graduation?

          14. 3:42, that’s nonsense. We all know some “always an0 rexic” person and their skin is $h it, because the body is lacking in fat and nutrients, so doesn’t get to repair as well.

      7. I’m pretty sure my 110 pound 74 year old mom eats more than 500 calories for dinner on average, so it doesn’t seem like normal intake to me unless you’re very small. Also even if it were enough for a typical adult woman, we’re talking about a teenage boy here — they famously eat an insane amount of food. Like, it’s a trope that they eat their parents out of house and home. The internet says the normal calorie range for a teen boy is up to 3,200 calories a day, although presumably the healthy kids at the upper end of that range are exercising a lot. OP, on that subject – how is his exercise? If he’s not moving much, you could try to focus more on that piece of it.

      9. A moderately active 15-year-old boy needs 2,800 calories a day on average. Three 800-calorie meals and 2 200-calorie snacks would get him there.

          1. Not in my house but either way, there’s no way a sub-500 calorie meal is going to cut it. For all we know, OP means 350 calories or even less.

          2. I don’t know any teen that eats breakfast unless you count a protein bar or something. They’re all sleeping in as late as possible and then rushing to school and/or before school activities.

          3. Even as a teen breakfast was my favorite meal of the day. No way would I skip it in favor of sleep.

        2. Easily. My daughter is 13, 5’7” a very athletic 120lbs. She eats like a (very pretty) horse.

      11. I am because I am a short, post menopausal woman trying to lose weight. 1500 calories a day is unlikely to be appropriate for a teenage boy unless he has an elf-like stature and build.

    19. I think you need a certified dietian to help confirm his actual calorie needs. A growing 15 year old boy should be eating WAY more calories than an adult woman so you need to keep in mind that 500 calories per meal might not be appropriate for him.
      Also I’m sorry but your cooking sounds horrible – no fat, sugar, or salt sounds like my childhood with an almond mom in the 90s. Using LESS of those things, sure, but none at all sounds like punishment. Also amp up your spices/flavorings – flavored vinegars, mustard, spices, hot sauces, fish sauce, lime/lemon juice and zest, etc.

      1. Salt also doesn’t really need to be restricted unless you have a medical condition and your doctor recommends reduced salt.

        1. +1 it’s kind of a myth that salt is bad for you. Absent some medical need to restrict sodium, it’s not that harmful to eat salty foods. My doctor told me to eat more ! (But i have low blood pressure)

          1. +1. I can’t wait for the “fat and salt are bad” and “coffee is bad” myths to die.

          2. The last time I had my physical it was first thing in the morning and all I had to eat or drink was a cup of coffee. My blood pressure was 85/48. My doctor’s advice was the drink more water and “eat some salty snacks.”

            Words I never thought I would hear from a health care professional! But every body is different and one size medical advice does not fit all.

    20. You’ve got to meet him where he’s at. Butter and oil do not magically make vegetables less healthy, so you should absolutely start making vegetables that taste good to him. You also need to feed him enough that he’s not hungry, otherwise he’s going to be drawn to the carbs because he simply needs the energy! If he’s a foodie, get curious together about different ways to eat. There is no one perfect way to eat, and you seem to be narrowly focused on the diet that has worked for you so far. It doesn’t work for your son, so try other things! Japanese food is tasty and light, Indian food usually has tons of veggies without being bland, “authentic” Mexican instead of tex mex also tends to have plenty of veggies. Also, I would really try and cut down that quantity of eating out if budget is actually a concern. I eat a lunch or dinner out once a week and honestly consider that to be a little decadent. I could go over the many many alternatives to eating out that I have used at different stages of my life, but I feel like that’s outside the scope of the question, but ask about it if you’re really interested.

    21. Sounds like he inherited his stubborn streak from you! He’s spent his whole life developing a taste for food and you aren’t going to logic or shame a change in him overnight.

      But really, accept that perfect is the enemy of good here. You can make him meals that are healthy AND tasty, with a reasonable amount of oil, butter, and salt. Let him find some joy in his diet. Accept that he’s going to eat more than you think is ideal, but if you don’t set yourself as his food nemesis you will have a better relationship with your son.

    22. I would adjust your dining out to 1x a week to allow for more generous calorie counts and interesting meals at home.

      1. I think commenters have zero’d in on the fact that calorie counting at home isn’t working for her son, or even necessary.

    23. OK, maybe we’ll go back to the dietician, although I always leave appointments feeling like they’re not telling me anything new. If you could recommend some good sources for recipes that are more than 500 calories but still full of protein and fiber I’d appreciate it. He won’t eat beans.

      2. What is the reasoning behind eating out SO much and then being SO restrictive at home? It just seems like such a weird imbalance to allow extremely caloric, unhealthy meals so frequently and then to set such a restrictive cap on calories/meal at home. Why not cut down to 1 restaurant meal per week and loosen your calorie limits at home?

        1. LOL there’s no reasoning it’s executive dysfunction. I suck at meal planning and every day dinner catches me by surprise and nothing’s defrosted and/or we’re missing major ingredients for the recipes we have. So when I do meal plan I try to optimize for health.

          I guess it’s a good thing I’m out of my “no carbs for dinner” era?

      3. I feel this way about dietitians too. I read enough about food to know exactly what I intend to do. Could you enroll him in a cooking class? Anyway, i get all of my recipes from the internet and New York Times. AI has also steered me in good directions when I’m looking with specific parameters.

        1. I wondered if it’s a divorced parent situation and the restaurant meals are on the other parent’s time. If so, this is a much bigger issue than food, though.

          2. I took that as a collective “we,” so could be talking about the son dining out without her. I find it hard to believe someone focused on keeping all their dinners at home uner 500 calories is eating out that much, but maybe I’m wrong.

      8. Pinch of Yum
        Two Peas and Their Pod
        Naturally Ella

        If he is being served fairly plain beans, I am absolutely with him on hating them. However… neat beans from Rancho Gordo, prepared according to some the recipes there and on NYTimes Cooking, are delicious. Turns out I don’t hate beans I am just super picky about them. With any luck he is the same.

        If he develops some kitchen skills, just googling for Ottolenghi recipes will give him some really interesting but tasty options.

    24. Cut eating out back to one dinner a week and start making tastier meals at home.

    25. You can make healthy and tasty food. It does take skills though.

      You guys are eating out way too much. If he’s making himself unhealthy meals you should stop buying those ingredients.

      It’s not often I am thankful for my neglectful parents but forcing me to feed myself and having very healthy pantry certainly helped me develop skills.

    26. If you are eating three dinners out a week, no amount of restricting the other four days will undo it. When Covid hit and I stopped traveling for work and the associated restaurant eating, I instantly lost several pounds despite the fact that I was cooking huge non-diet meals and baking all the time.

      1. +1 cutting back on restaurant meals is a really fast way for me to lose weight also.

    27. You have my sympathy. His taste buds are being trained by ultra processed foods, so most of what you’re making at home is going to pale in comparison. Even restaurant foods may include a decent portion of ultra processed ingredients, or a lot more fat and sugar than a home cook would use.

    28. I agree with him that taste should be the top priority of anything you eat. Even budget or low calorie food can taste good.

      1. Yes! Seasonings, salt, herbs, acids!

        I don’t blame OP’s kid for cooking actually yummy meals if OP’s diet foods are boring and gross.

      2. Kids need to develop their palate. A lot of restaurant meals can interfere (they’re designed to get people hooked and make ordinary food taste bland in comparison, since using more salt, MSG, and sugar desensitizes taste buds over time).

    29. OP, I want to provide you with some perspective. My son had eating issues, though on the other end of the spectrum. There was a combination of factors: having a smaller build to begin with, a medication that affected his appetite, and extreme food preferences. (He was never formally diagnosed with AFRID, but there were a lot of similarities there.) I feel like DH & I know a decent amount about nutrition, and we are good home cooks, but we still needed the help and support from a team of medical professionals who know how to deal with both the physical AND mental aspects of dietary issues in children.

      It took two years to get DS on track. He is thankfully doing well now and we breathed a sigh of relief when puberty took over. OP, let me tell you: it would rip your heart out to get a failure to thrive diagnosis for a 12-year-old. After that experience, I would rather my kid be overweight than underweight. I am not kidding. The second one has some very immediate, potentially life-altering effects on growth and development. While being overweight isn’t great, there is a much longer timeline for dealing with that.

      1. Thanks for sharing this perspective.

        Speaking for myself, I didn’t know I had always had low level nausea until the first time I took Zofran. Struggling to eat and not knowing why is awful!

      2. Thanks for sharing this. It sounds very hard. Well done for coming all this way. I wish you and your son well.

        I think the idea of cooking a NYT meal or two weekly with your son, and not shying away from healthy fats (eg. olive oil, avocado oil) and salt will help. Unless your son has unstable hypertension, heart failure, or uncontrolled edema situations and a doctor has told you to restrict salt, you are dooming yourself to failure. Alternating restaurant decadence with flavorless home meals is a rough punishment, and I understand his rebellion.

        1. Right. When it’s just me, I don’t eat dinner and fast overnight because it’s good for me. But I would not presume that this is good for a growing kid.

    30. (OP bowing out now but just wanted to say I do cook with whatever salt the recipe calls for and always serve dinner with S&P on the table so he can add more if he wants. I cook with all of the seasonings and fats that the recipes state. I’m just not one of those people who dumps a cup of salt into pasta water or adds butter to my burgers at home.)

      1. (ok one more thing – you have no idea how wildly unhealthy high school menus are right now. chicken fingers + fries are a good day.)

      2. Which is fine but your kid has different taste buds than you (although you aren’t drinking the pasta water). I have family members who think black pepper is spicy while I love spicy food. I don’t want to eat their food either nor do I cook their food to my spice tolerance.

        Encourage his exploration and love of food while eating the food you want.

    31. A 15 year old boy needs way more than 500 calories. Maybe start by feeding your child enough.

    32. Mom of a 15yo boy here.

      My experience is that teen boys want to sit on their electronics or phones. Maybe look at some kind of physical activity to balance – family walk after dinner, family goal trip for hiking or something.

      We have officially called our parenting strategy BAT – basic adulting training. It includes planning and cooking one meal per week, and it has to be a recipe (not frozen, quick meal). It’ll improve his appreciation for what goes into a meal.

      For what it’s worth, that sounds like a lot of eating out and desserting for one week in my book. Maybe cut back there.

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