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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Ari Striped Polka-Dot Midi Sweater Dress

A woman wearing a black and white print sleeveless dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

It’s hard to make an article of clothing that contains both stripes and polka dots but still looks sophisticated, but somehow, this Elie Tahari dress is pulling it off.

This would be a great piece for a higher-level exec in an organization that skews a bit more casual. It’s polished, but not stuffy, and would look fabulous under a blazer. 

The dress is $345 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XS-XL.  

Sales of note for 12.5

300 Comments

  1. I’m a lawyer, but haven’t been in a courtroom or filed a motion/pleading in over 10 years. I can name the SCOTUS justices but not all the judges on my state’s Supreme Court. I read maybe 4-5 state appellate or fed circuit opinions per year. I see a ton of headlines about the last few weeks’ SCOTUS opinions and the idea of reading 500+ pages of opinion, concurrence, dissents I will barely follow has me cringing. But they sound important and I would like to better understand. If you have found a source you like, I would appreciate you sharing. I subscribe to the NYT, WaPo, and Atlantic but am willing to pay for access for more sources during this month.

    1. If you’re interested in podcasts, Pantsuit Politics on Patreon breaks down Supreme Court opinions pretty regularly and I think they do a nice job.

    2. I like SCOTUSBlog for good summaries and interesting takes. But also the opinions are not that long if you want to read them yourself. The immunity one is only 100 pages with large type and you can skim through a lot of it. It’s better than just seeing what people are saying on social media, much of which is a significant exaggeration of what the Court actually held.

      1. I’m finding it hard to understand how it would be possible to exaggerate Sotomayer’s dissent unless she’s exaggerating too?

        1. Sorry, you’re right — I was moreso thinking of the discourse around Chevron that is saying that regulations no longer matter at all.

          2. I don’t know anything about law, but the Chevron discourse must be overstated. It wasn’t a regulatory free for all before Chevron, even if there were problems, and my understanding is that Chevron affects how new regulations will be made and doesn’t just toss out existing ones? So it’s appropriate to be alarmed at the possibility that there are people who want to take advantage of the new status quo, but it’s not the same as saying we woke up today and now it’s legal to put lead in the baby formula.

          3. Anon at 10:53 – you are wrong. Loper Bright effects how courts view all challenges to regulations, regardless of when they passed

        2. Sotomayor is the liberal Justice who is most likely to exaggerate in her opinions (especially in dissents), so without knowing specifically what you’re referencing, it’s entirely possible she is, in fact, exaggerating.

          Kagan and Jackson are both pretty careful in how they frame things without sacrificing any rhetorical force, at least in the opinions I’ve read recently. But a particularly forceful Sotomayor dissent? I always read the other opinions to see whether her take seems spot on or a little catastrophic.

          (I don’t do criminal or admin law, so it’s possible she’s more spot on in those areas than in the area I do practice in).

          2. I would read both her dissent and the majority’s response to her dissent (Part IV.C.) in full, and then make your decision. I personally think that Sotomayor is catastrophizing in her dissent by overstating what the majority does.

            I have big issues with how the majority ruled, both politically and legally, but the list of potential harms that Sotomayor came up with just are not justified by the actual ruling. They may well be the worst case end point of the line of cases SCOTUS is inviting to its docket, but Sotomayor acts like the majority has already ruled on a whole host of issues it explicitly did not reach, and I think that’s disingenuous.

          3. Thanks, that is helpful. I don’t want to cede anything in advance that has not been ceded yet, and I worry that some of the sky is falling coverage is doing that right now.

      2. SCOTUSBlog is by far the best option for “lawyers but not appellate lawyers.”

        I posted yesterday, but NYT has been a colossal disappointment coverage-wise this week. Slate hasn’t been good for a few years. I am really struggling to find good explainers for my non-lawyer friends who text me, and they are getting long voice notes in response, which I’m sure they hate.

    3. Not a written source, but I’ve been listening to Strict Scrutiny (hosted by 3 law professors) and Amicus. They exclusively cover the Supreme Court.

      1. I don’t actually listen to these podcasts as I’m more into politics generally and don’t really want to listen to an entire podcast on the Supreme Court, but I listen to Pod Save America and the Slate Political Gabfest and they frequently have these podcasters do segments on their shows. They always do a good job explaining cases and I assume their shows would be good if you actually did want more details,

    4. I listen to Advisory Opinions. The hosts are center-right, but they do not have a “team” approach to politics, so they’re willing to recognize a good argument regardless of who makes it. And they are very good at giving quick and clear summaries of the background, precedent, etc.

    5. I listed to the Oran arguments while walking thhe dog. Makes for good prep for tearing through the opinions quickly.

    6. Honestly, I would just pick the one that sounds most interesting to you and spend an hour skimming the opinions, poking at the briefs if you have a specific question, looking at SCOTUSblog, etc.

      I don’t know what it is, but SCOTUS coverage has been going downhill since maybe Obergefell and has completely fallen off a cliff post-Dobbs. A lot of outlets seem to have shifted the SCOTUS beat from former lawyers to their political correspondents, and their coverage is therefore more impact-focused at the expense of being…accurate? Nuanced?

      I do like the PBS News Hour legal correspondent Marcia Coyle a lot, but that’s maybe ten minutes of analysis a week. If you can find other things she does, I’ve never heard her have a bad take on cases I know intimately, and I think she does a superb job making things accessible to even sophisticated non-lawyers.

  2. I am so miserable at my job. I am a midlevel plaintiff-side personal injury litigation attorney (2017 grad). I love the work on a high level, but I feel like I am stuck in the cycle of answering discovery, taking depositions, and a lot of the paperwork side of litigation while the partner I work with and all of the men working around me get to try cases and do all of the high profile work (I’ve once been a second chair at trial and two other times have been on the trial team but not at counsel table). I am a team with one partner and one legal assistant and we are making the law firm a lot of revenue, but my bonuses are discretionary with no rhyme or reason as to how they are calculated and have been less than ideal.

    I keep listening to podcasts where the lawyers are at my experience level or less and are trying major cases themselves and just overall doing a lot of great work, but the theme I am seeing is that most of them started their own firm basically right out of law school or a few years out. These are all men that I have listened to, and I feel like if they can do it, why can’t I? I feel like although I don’t have the court experience yet, the only way i’m going to get it is if I become a public defender or prosecutor for a few years or go out on my own. These people trying cases can’t be smarter than me, they must just have figured something out that I haven’t.

    So with that backdrop, I am seriously considering starting my own firm but I do not even know where to begin in evaluating that possibility. I am a lawyer not a business person! My ideal gig is that I get called in from other firms/solos to try cases a few times a year and keep a small docket of litigation cases that I feel strongly about. I want to make around $100,000-$150,000/year.

    Are there any resources or books on how to start a solo firm gig? Any words of wisdom from others who have done it? What should I even be evaluating when considering it?

    For additional context, I have a husband who works a steady corporate job and 1 child who is currently in daycare.

    1. Look at your state bar for resources on going solo — I know the DC Bar has a lot of helpful information and can even connect you with some solo practitioners for mentoring and advice.

    2. So if you want to go solo, I say go for it! But if this is the only firm you’ve worked at since graduating, I wonder if you should look around for other opportunities first. Because you’re saying you want to get called in by other firms or solos to try cases, but you don’t really have courtroom experience. So I think that scenario is a way off. I’m wondering if there’s a way to build some trial experience another way. Maybe switch firms. Or maybe through some pro-bono work? Or try getting on the assigned counsel panel where you live? You wouldn’t be a full time public defender but you can make some money and get in the courtroom more while you slowly build your solo practice.

      1. I clerked for 2 years and then worked at another Plaintiff firm for 3 years. Have been here since and made the move to my current firm because my last firm very very very rarely went to trial. This firm I work for now was sold to me as a “trial firm” but the promises haven’t panned out.

        1. In PI the goal is usually to avoid a trial. If you want to try cases you need to practice criminal law.

          1. This. I’ve been a civil lawyer since 2011 and have not tried many cases either. When I was working in a firm, I talked to the partners about wanting to do more trial work and took all the steps everyone says you should while working in a civil firm. There just really aren’t that many civil trials anymore. Then when there are, clients want the partners who have more trial experience, and the partners want to do the “fun” part, so it’s all a big cycle. This was one of my biggest frustrations of working in a firm, and it has happened to all my friends who have worked in firms.

            The criminal lawyers I know have vastly more “on their feet” experience, and way earlier. It’s not like they’re trying cases every week, but they will often have multiple each year. At least hearings and other court appearances frequently.

          2. This. I have been a criminal lawyer since 2009 and run, on average, a trial a week.

    3. Do not do it if you are not a business person. That’s all being a solo is. You run the business 90% of the time and lawyer 10%. It’s very hard to make it sustainable, which is why most lawyers work for firms. You definitely have more earning potential though, so look at firms that pay more and switch out of plaintiff’s PI if you want other options like going in-house besides at an insurance company.

      1. This. Kid you have to deal with IT and personal info data security and employees and oayroll and taxes. It is like being a veterinarian or dentist.

      2. Yes indeed. A sole practitioner is, first and foremost, a small business owner.

    4. My career improved when I realized only one person develops my career: me.

      In the short term, have you talked to the partners about doing more courtroom work? “I’ll argue that motion. I’ll cover that hearing. I think we should depose Person X and I’d like to handle.” Don’t wait to be asked.

      Can you take a pro bono case from a local legal aid clinic?

      I’ve never gone solo so I can’t help you there.

    5. The best resource is to talk to lawyers who have transitioned to solo work in your field. I know people who have done it successfully and love it and others who couldn’t make it work. But the ones who succeeded had a plan in place for making it sustainable and successful.

    6. Why not be a prosecutor or PD for a few years? I was trying bench trials literally my first week as a prosecutor (large East Coast city) and jury trials after about a year and a half. Pay was nowhere near six figures though.

    7. Consider government. My governmental legal office is always looking for litigators. We try cases and make more than the high end of your $$ range. It’s worth exploring.

    8. I will just be frank and say that no firm is going to call a small firm in to do trials if the solo practitioner at that firm doesn’t have extensive background doing trials.

      I would see if there is a solo practitioner locally who DOES do trials who will let you shadow and do the grunt work, with the expectation you will at least second chair every trial until he thinks you’re ready to first chair.

      (As my name suggests, I don’t do trials, so take me with a grain of salt if you want!)

    9. If you’re up for moving and taking another bar, 100k wouldn’t be unusual for PD or ADA in metro Atlanta.

  3. How active are you on LinkedIn? I usually am not but recently a local newspaper did a small write up about me so I posted that and got a lot of interaction so now I’m intrigued. A lot of the posts I see on my feed at least seem forced/cheesy though and I don’t want that.

    1. Oh I find it super cheesy but my field has abandoned Twitter so that helps. I find sorting by recent helps avoid the “I woke up at 4, drank green juice, meditated, and then worked for 8 hours” viral posts.

    2. Before I got laid off, I rarely used the site. I had no picture and only had basic info in my profile. I would log in every now and then to accept connection requests. Now I actively have to use it for job searching. I feel like it’s Facebook for work and I hate it. If at some point I never have to work again, I can’t wait to delete my account and never look at it again.

      1. It absolutely is Facebook for work. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve cringed at what some former colleague or connection has posted that is so inappropriate for a forum like LinkedIn. Whether it’s political or self-aggrandizement about something completely unrelated to their field. It’s embarrassing. Sometimes religious. Sometimes sleazy like hitting on women. Just yikes.

        I was mentioned in an article recently myself. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go in and untag myself. I don’t know if the author of the article or the publisher of the article keeps re-tagging me, but I have to keep untagging me. A few of the interactions that have come from it have been fun like reconnecting with old friends, but the rest of it is just solicitation and junk and weird stuff I don’t want to be connected with.

    3. I loathe LinkedIn. It’s where my worst impressions of people are formed so I avoid it because I want to keep liking people I know.

        1. pompous self-promotion, excessive buzzwords, brown-nosing, banal comments on everything

          1. I’m the person you’re asking the question to, and this exactly. Thanks, Cat for putting it perfectly!

          2. The brown-nosing is the worst. I’ve been the brown-nose-ee on LinkedIn, and it’s just as embarrassing as my secondhand embarrassment for the person who does it.

    5. I find it crucial. I work pretty closely with my company’s social media person to make sure my company’s presence at events gets covered or to share my thoughts when new policy or research affecting our industry gets released. On the flip side, I use it daily to keep up with the latest industry news, tips for doing my job better, and to keep current with where colleagues have landed/are landing. I’ve also made connections with folks that have translated into IRL connections. I’m not a social media user on other platforms (I find Twitter useless and haven’t posted or shared on Facebook in several years). But LI has been really helpful for me. When I’ve done hiring, it’s also one of the things that I look at with candidates–not just their bios but anything posted to get a sense of views/presence in our field.

    6. I use it a ton. I’m a lawyer and do a lot of BD. My client base uses it a ton. I post legal updates in my field, and I create short videos with a consultant/trainer in my area that we post regularly. I am not otherwise much of a social media person, but I have found a way to make LI work for me. I get a lot of business from it, and even more opportunities (i.e. in person speaking gigs that then turn into other new work). The key is to post helpful information, even if you are just reposting something from someone else, and to tag organizations and people in your post and in your comments. Be kind, and celebrate other people’s wins. Keep in mind that on LI, everyone can see everything you do (even just your “likes”) so be aware that every action you take on the platform impacts your brand.

  4. I have these nail polish racks, but I’m switching to putting my nail polish (I have a lot of it) in drawers to free up counter space. Besides spices (I’m not much of a cook), what could I put in these racks to repurpose them? I may just give them away, but looking to repurpose if possible.

    https://www.amazon.com/Benbilry-Acrylic-Polish-Organizer-Bottles/dp/B076D2W939?pd_rd_w=n0U0Y&content-id=amzn1.sym.80dcf868-30d4-456c-80b3-2eca10988d54&pf_rd_p=80dcf868-30d4-456c-80b3-2eca10988d54&pf_rd_r=TYSKS3FT72QDA3KDSAT9&pd_rd_wg=ZhRfN&pd_rd_r=36407863-4e14-423b-afdf-f5a8ff0bdc9f&pd_rd_i=B076D2W939&psc=1&ref_=pd_bap_m_grid_dv_rp_0_10_t

    1. Those make things visible but they have such a large footprint I would be inclined to pass them along if your goal is to save space.

    2. Honestly, I’d find a home with another lacquerista. I don’t think they’re useful for much else.

    4. I’d give them to a salon. The spacing seems too small to be useful for most spice jars.

    5. Put them up on Facebook Marketplace for free and someone will come get them from you. It’s magical.

  5. Does anyone use hair dye that you DIY at home? I am going to try it to color up some grays, but am interested in any tips, tricks, etc for dyeing hair at home as I have never done this before. I bought a cape, bowl, brushes and dye and developer. I’m using wella colorcharm. Thanks.

    1. I think having help can be really helpful. My mom DIYs her hair, starting at about age 13 she had me apply the colour for her. It was just a lot of work on her arms to apply the color evenly and I did a much better job since it wasn’t as physically straining. I’m in my 30s now and still apply my mom’s color when I visit. The brushes and bowls definitely help but a second pair of hands helps most. FWIW my brother also helps his wife dye her hair.

      1. I don’t dye my hair anymore, but throughout the pandemic, I used home hair color, and my husband did it for me. The big thing for us was ordering a salon style drape, like a plastic thing you put around yourself so you don’t get dye on your clothing or skin. Plus bringing a little chair into the bathroom so I could sit while he did the color on the top and back of my hair. (Both so I didn’t have to stand there and so that the angle was easier for him.)

    2. Dedicate a set of clothes and a couple of old towels to Hair Day. You will get dye on them, cape be damned, so just have a set you keep with your other materials. You also will get some drops on your walls, so look closely and wipe those off immediately. Overall color is not hard, and it’s crazy cheap.

    3. I use Wella. It’s pretty easy. I like to use latex gloves on my hands when I apply it – maybe not necessary, but it makes for easy cleanup. I keep a plastic grocery sack for trash and a paper towel near in case there are drips on my sink. I don’t use a cape – I have a really old flannel shirt that I throw on.

      I suggest keeping notes about what formula you use (I make my own from two different shades) and how long you let it sit before rinsing out. I have strong gray roots (alas) and then rest of my hair, and it’s taken some trial and error to get good root/gray coverage that lasts.

      You got this, it’s so much cheaper than a salon and I love that I can do it at 10 pm at night.

      1. I agree with using gloves. I’ve colored my hair at home exclusively, sometimes with help but mostly not. The gloves, which you can rinse at the end and reuse, help you massage the color through each section when you’re ready to do your whole head after getting the roots. I use a squeeze bottle with a pointed tip instead of a brush and it goes on quickly.

    4. I do! I can’t stand wasting hours in my weekend at the salon, so I started to do my own. I dye mine blonde and I’m actually happier with my results–my stylist used to get the tone off sometimes (too gold/warm). My biggest tip is to only do the roots after you start dying it regularly–this will help keep your ends from getting damaged. I use the timer on my phone. I rarely get dye anywhere but on my head but I still wear an old t-shirt just in case (formulas these days tend to be thicker than those in the past, I think that helps). When choosing hair dye, go for lighter than you think you may need. It’s always easier to go darker than to try to go lighter. Pay attention to whether you want to go warm, natural (neutral) or cool toned with your color. If the color you choose comes off too brassy or warm toned, blue shampoo can help correct. Honestly though, it’s not rocket science. You’ll be surprised with how easy it is and how much time and money you can save.

    5. I’ve been doing my own for like 17 years now, and people are always surprised that I diy. I don’t bother with a cape – I have an old tshirt that I put on to do color. I comb it through less than once per year, and otherwise I just do my roots – that way it doesn’t become a heavy fake-looking monochrome. The greys actually pick up the color a bit differently, so I wind up with some natural highlights.

    6. Been doing it myself for 20 years now, but I only do single color (no highlights, balayage etc).
      I like to use nitril gloves, mix the oxidizer and color in plastic bowl using plastic brush. Set my phone timer for 20mins, and apply color on the roots (approx 4cm) and go section by section. I start at the front and do vertical particions. Once front is done, I do back of my head, parting hair horizontaly from bottom up. I then slightly massage it at roots. Once 20mins is up (or whatever instructions say in the leaflet), I mix in a bit lf water in the remaining color in the bowl and apply color to the rest of hair, masaage it and chill for extra 15mins. As other said, if using same color, it is key to focus on the roots to cover greys/new growth and spare the ends from chemical processing to prevent damage.
      Once the total time is up, I emulgate, wash out with water only,and then follow with SLS-free shampoo twice. Apply Kerastase Maskeratin hair mask for 20 mins, rinse out. I apply Redken ABC leave-in and blowdry on medium heat.
      I apply the color wearing only pxnties, so there is no issue with discolored clothes.
      Make sure to read the leaflet and follow the instructions – especially on the processing time. I also recommend quality hair conditioner, mask and leave-in as chemical tratments take their toll.

    7. I use demi permanent Natural Instincts to cover greys. I don’t have many, and I do my entire head about 2-3 times a year. It works well! I don’t use a brush, I just wear gloves and apply it all over. The color is a gel that doesn’t really drip. I agree with the poster who said greys end up looking like highlights.

  6. What are your favorite snarky or u usual t-shirts? Do you hesitate to wear them anywhere?

    Currently wearing my RBG “not fragile like a flower, fragile like a bomb” t-shirt for WFH. (If anyone knows the source for the quote that’d be great, my googling is failing me.) I definitely hesitate to wear it on errands.

    1. I’m from NJ and wouldn’t hesitate to wear that around. Theresa Guidice jay or may not be a few zip codes over from me, so I feel that this is understood as applicable to most of humanity, at times, if not daily.

    2. I love a good snarky shirt! Like I’m always putting them in my carts (right now there’s one in my cart that says “they didn’t burn witches they burned women). but I absolutely hesitate to wear them every time I actually get one. I had a Nasty Woman one that languished in my drawer. I have a black uterus don’t tread on me shirt that I don’t wear, but that may be more because I don’t like the fabric. I have a PRO ROE shirt that perhaps I will bust out for 4th of July since it’s red white and blue, but rarely actually wear. I should wear it more honestly, I believe in the message. Idk I also just don’t like arguing with random strangers.

      I did wear the heck out of my “you can pee next to me” shirt that I got when the bathroom fights first became a national debate. I think that felt more inclusive vs mad to me, and so made it easier to wear.

    3. I definitely wouldn’t wear an RBG shirt anywhere these days. Just thinking about her legacy (Dobbs, etc.) makes me feel sick and seeing it happen again with Biden makes me incandescent with rage. Nobody is irreplaceable, and the tee shirt wearing hero worship with RBG was part of the problem.

      1. +1M to all of this. She should have stepped down in 2013 when she had the chance (or whenever it was when Obama basically asked her to) and now this is what we’re left with thanks to her insistence on staying on the bench. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is irreplaceable, and it seems like Boomers/silent gen in particular seem to think they are entitled to stick around in these high level positions of power forever.

        1. A few years ago, I would’ve disagreed with this wholeheartedly, but I have changed my tune. These generations have done a terrible job with succession planning on many fronts. Anyone younger was boxed out a long time ago.

          2. This is more a reply to 11:04 below you – but I’m GenX and I almost feel like we shouldn’t be allowed to take over next because we allowed the Boomers to continue for so long. At least not older GenX.

          4. This has been my contention for years. Gen X should be running everything now, but the oldsters have clung to power and have actively blocked the development of the next generation of leaders. For our part, we GenXers have been too busy dealing with child care + elder care while maintaining dual-income households to focus on pushing the oldsters out of our way.

          5. This situation is a perfect representation of the generations – Boomers/Silent Gen are narcissistic and ignore Gen X, while Gen X keeps our heads down doing the work but never raises our hand or claps back to ask for our due because we were socialized to believe that we are due nothing and if we want something to cry about they’ll give us something to cry about.

          6. The comment at 12:22 certainly leads me to believe that the poster has a victim mentality and doesn’t deserve much. Stereotyping much?

      2. I have a similar take on how the recent Supreme Court opinions were covered in the news. Saying the dissenting opinions from Justice Ginsburg (back in the day) or Justice Sotomayor are fiery or strong or in-your-face isn’t cute or empowering. You know what is empowering? Writing the opinion that becomes legal precedent.

      3. While I agree that she should have stepped down, blaming her for our current situation feels ridiculous. Like Ralph Nader’s tweet yesterday laying all the blame on Hillary’s “blundering campaign” or whatever she said. I place a lot of blame with the Democratic Party and their failures, but most of it likes with the (mostly) men who have affirmatively done the actions – McConnell, Trump, etc.

        2. To be clear, I in no way blame Ginsburg for Biden, just the Supreme Court. But in this current moment, the absolute last thing I want to wear is a reminder of the deluded arrogant octogenarians blithely handing our country over to the likes of Trump, McConnell, and Alito (also deluded arrogant octo/septuagenarians, but even more dangerous).

        3. Wow, Nader has balls, considering his contribution to Gore’s loss… how soon we forget/forgive.

          1. Yeah, I still think back bitterly about all of my college classmates who claimed there was no difference between Gore and Bush and so they were going to vote for Nader. Bush has gotten a pass due to Trump’s awfulness, but we shouldn’t forget the real costs of electing Bush (the war alone killed nearly a million people and cost 8 trillion dollars).

        4. I blame the voters. Even more, I blame the people who did not bother to vote. It was not the Supreme Court or the DNC who handed power to Trump (or McConnell or Alito) – it was the (mostly but not exclusively white; mostly, but not by nearly as much as people think, older) voters of the USA and the people who did not “like” their ideologically preferred candidate and therefore did not show up.

          And it is playing out all over again. People say “oh Joe Biden is too old, I can’t vote for him” or “I do not like Biden’s Israel policy, I can’t vote for him.” So they won’t vote at all. And then they will come here and be horrified when we have a nationwide abortion ban, a president’s immunity extends to ignoring court orders, and the world economy crashes because Republicans decided not to honor the US’s debt obligations.

          The fault is not in our stars people. (And sorry for the lecture; I am really frustrated.)

          2. A good primary process is supposed to identify a candidate that people want to vote for.

      4. Yeah I really don’t think this is fair. Dobbs is not her legacy, and it’s repulsive to say so. I do not understand why she is asked to shoulder all of the blame for the terrible decisions of other men. I do not think it is reasonable to suggest she single handedly could have prevented this mess by stepping down in 2013-14. Even if she had retired in 2014, there would have been a 5-4 conservative majority on the Supreme Court now. How would her retiring have prevented Dobbs? How? The opinion may have been slightly less extreme, but I have a hard time imagining the outcome would have been the preservation of Roe.

        Other ways that this outcome could have been prevented:
        -McConnell could have acted with integrity and allowed Obama to fill Scalia’s seat
        -The electorate could have… not elected Trump.
        -Kennedy could have not retired in 2018, when Trump was guaranteed a replacement.
        -Trump could have honored the same infallible logic and reasoning that prevented Obama from filling Scalia’s seat in 2020 when RBG passed.
        -The conservative justices could have acted with a degree of integrity and respected stare decisis, rather than and working to fulfill the right’s long-standing agenda of overturning Roe.

        Seriously, acting like RBG was supposed to see the future, predict the rise of Trump, and some how single handedly stop what was an all but inevitable outcome of decades of highly orchestrated strategizing (and several profoundly impactful opportunistic power grabs) by a lot of men with very little integrity is, to be frank, asinine.

        Roe has been under attack for decades. RBG was not the last line of defense and she’s not responsible for the outcome.

        1. A lot of people were “seeing the future” and predicting the rise of a leader like Trump. I remember Democrats at the time telling me that there was nothing to worry about because young people would vote blue and demographics would render “fringe” right wing movements obsolete. They were all delusional and chose to ignore the warning signs.

        2. +1 million. Do I think RBG should have retired earlier? Yes. But putting all the responsibility on her shoulders is so unfair and feels more than a little misogynistic. There are a lot of people (mostly men) who are much more directly responsible, starting with the 6 justices who voted with the majority in Dobbs.

      5. I don’t think it’s productive to hero worship anyone, because no human being is infallible, but how is Dobbs her fault? It would have been a 5-4 decision even with RBG (or a similarly left-leaning justice in her seat). Why isn’t it the fault of the Senate Republicans who stole Obama’s right to appoint a justice when Scalia died nearly a full year before the end of his term?

        1. I actually don’t think that it’s necessarily clear that it would have gone that way for sure. John Roberts was pretty clearly trying to keep the court along a middle ground for as long as possible, even when he was personally against some of the results, like in the Obamacare case. It was only when he was no longer the deciding vote that there was no longer any reason to moderate his views for the sake of the court’s reputation. It’s hard to say for sure, but some reporting indicated that he was trying to sway Kavanaugh and Barrett to a more moderate opinion in Dobbs.

          1. Just adding, I just looked this up to be sure and Roberts actually wrote a separate opinion in Dobbs that did not support striking down Roe. So there still would be a 5-4 conservative majority, but at least the Dobbs case specifically would have been decided differently if RBG had resigned earlier. Obviously that’s not the only thing that matters, there’s plenty of blame to share, and I blame those people too. I’m just saying that I can no longer see an RBG shirt without seeing Dobbs as her lasting legacy.

    4. Eh, I wouldn’t hesitate to wear that for errands, unless I lived in a very red place, but I would hesitate to wear it for work (including from home, if I was going to be on camera at all, even just for informal chats with my team). I have a high bar for political messaging at work (and I think RBG is perceived as more political than eg. another well known woman in my field), and also anything even touching on joking about v*olence at work

      1. That’s a good point about work. I am vanilla as a worker, particularly because I mainly deal with external people and am medium high up.

    5. I don’t know if it’s “snarky” but I have a sweatshirt with the RBG quote “when there are nine.” People have only reacted positively to it, including some people I know are conservative-leaning.

      1. I have this one – and am wearing it today. I too have received a lot of comments on it (positive) generally from women. The sweatshirt is showing its age so I’m going to have to find another one.

        1. Late reply, but I got mine from an Etsy vendor called BAEandRose. Highly recommend! Quote aside, it’s the softest, most comfortable sweatshirt I own.

    8. Not really snarky, but I like and often wear my “Read Banned Books” shirt from Bitter Southerner. I like a lot of their shirts and totes.

    9. Check out the Mincing Mockingbird for funny shirts (they have a site, just google the name).

    10. I have a sweatshirt that says “see you in hell” from Wicked Clothes and I wear it all the time.
      I had a t-shirt that said “midwest nice includes ab0rtion rights,” but I gave it to my sister as I don’t live in the midwest any more.

  7. Petty story/rant thread – the post yesterday made me think we need a petty thread. What do y’all got?

    Here’s mine:
    I live in a really small town. A month ago, one of my neighbors, a 49 year old man who is heavily involved in a lot of community things and is well known/very visible, told his wife (who was also very involved in the community things with hiM) that he was done with their 19 year marriage, asked her/her son to move out in two weeks, she did, and then two weeks later he moved a 26 year old women+her kids in (both kids are under 3). 26-year-old left a marriage that two months ago has “happy family” pictures posted on her Facebook page. And this last weekend we had our annual town festival (he’s the co-chair of, so all over) and the new girlfriend was with him the whole time and then was doing all of the jobs that the wife did last year. Wife was on the fire department with the husband, and wife resigned a week ago, the new girlfriend joined, and since they’re similar size the wife’s equipment was given to the new girlfriend. LIKE WHAT? It’s SO WEIRD how he literally just very publicly dropped wife and inserted new girlfriend. I thought perhaps the official story was that she/the kids were just staying at the house and that they weren’t a couple (since they was no obviously PDA that I saw), but no- yesterday he referred to the two new little kids as “his kids” who are now living with him….and why did they literally do this all in one month time period? and why the huge public introduction? like okay marriages break up, but like, maybe take a minute before moving the girlfriend in and literally replacing all the volunteer jobs that your wife used to do with your girlfriend?

    I didn’t gossip at all this weekend with any of my volunteer friends when it was all very apparently happening, but I tell ya…my tongue is sore from me biting it. It’s totally not my business, but it’s just so weird!!

      1. Oh man this is bonkers and juicy. I would 1000% be talking up a storm about this with my neighbors!

        1. Ahhh thank you!!! It is insane, right??! I’m dyingggg. My husband doesn’t really like the guy very much in the first place, so he is there for a certain amount of talking about it however is also a dude and really doesn’t care about the details. I told my best friend all about it and she doesn’t’ really know any of the people so again, so while she agrees it’s interesting she’s just not as invested. e

          But seriously, I almost fell out of my driver seat chair when he referred to the kids as “his kids” who are living with him now when he was on the phone with me yesterday.

          So another detail – during the festival this last weekend was three days and man was partly in charge of keeping the bathrooms going…and the women’s bathroom had a toilet that kept overflowing. So the girlfriend was tapped to go take care of cleaning all of that up several times. That made me laugh inside quite a bit. Idk she must like him a lot, because I sure as heck would not have been going to unplug community toilets and mop up the bathroom for someone who I just started dating for an event that I literally just started volunteering for.

          2. First of all, you are much stronger than I when you didn’t talk to your fellow volunteers about this. The absolute audacity of this man!!!

            Also, it’s funny to me that your best friend didn’t immediately get invested. I love it when my friends tell me stuff like this about people I don’t know. I fully pop the popcorn and comment on everything as if it’s happening to me. Then I prepare to ride at dawn to take this man down.

            Seriously, share away with us! I’m dying to know how it turns out. I hope the (soon to be) ex-wife has her glow up and realizes how lucky she is to be away from this man.

          3. Nope, they are the girlfriend’s two little kids who moved in with her like 2-3 weeks ago. They have a dad who is local and by all accounts a nice guy.

          4. @ Anon 10:57, idk maybe it’s the time I hit her with the huge block of the story when I found out about it. She had a lot of kids at her house. She also is not a super gossipy person. LOL that’s a good trait….except for right now when everything is insane.

            I just realized I totally have another friend who would be totally like you if I texted her. It’s so satisfying to talk to her…hmm maybe I will text that thread. :)

            Although I could just keep giving everyone here updates since you all are being VERY Satisfying to spill all of this to. :D

        2. Right? Me too! This is grade A gossip. I wonder if the wife is secretly relieved/waiting with popcorn for when this blows up?

          1. okay, I know a lot about that side too. there’s so many details. So wife posts a lot (too much) on Facebook, and in the last month there have been a ton of posts about how she’s at a super low point but building back her life, getting to know herself, etc. Like it’s a lot, but I don’t blame her; it’s clearly a terrible thing that he did.

            I kept seeing her posts and thinking about her, especially when it became apparent girlfriend had moved in with the dude. So two weeks ago I sent her a very short message and invited her to go this special yoga event with me. I know she likes yoga, and so I just sent her a quick little message, hey open invitation, my treat, any time it works for you.

            Well friends. I got back several LONGGGGGG messages in a row. She is clearly, understandably, reeling. She did not see this coming; like had huge gardens planted in May, was fully involved in the festival planning, etc…. Her message switched back and forth between she’s trying to move on and let go but also f him and her, to feeling like she can’t go anywhere in the small town without seeing them, to f them she’s going.

            She was definitely not perfect, especially in the first 15 years – like there were several public breakups after she slept with other guys. However, they had turned a new leaf years ago and she certainly didn’t deserve to get the rug pulled out from under her like this.

        1. He’s 19-20 and is a bit of a failure to launch kid. Although it seems as though a lot of 19 year olds are in that boat, so I didn’t think much of the kid still living at home right now. He has a job, just struggling to get to the next step. He really wants to go into the Air Force and has said that for years, however is overweight so needed to lose weight to meet the physical requirements. This has been the story for several years and is still his goal, although I don’t think he has a lot of great support/plan for making it happen. It is sad though that the step-dad very much turned him out too, when the man has been the stepdad who he lived with for most of his life (maybe all of it?).

      4. I have a Thing against men in particular who move on a hot se one after chucking the first wife to the curb.

        Dude there is no way you have done any personal reflection or healed any wounds. You’re just finding a different person to inflict your crap on.

        1. This is the first time that I’ve seen it happen in realtime with people I know, and I am really unnerved by it. I am in a happy long marriage, but if something happened – I cannot even imagine dating anyone for a long, long time.

          and then to do it SO PUBLICLY. why????? the girlfriend did not have to be at the event all weekend. Like she absolutely could have popped in here or there and just attended and not volunteered. But they were pretty much attached at the hip.

        2. One of my good girlfriends’ now ex
          1) had her working with a huge team to build their “dream home” & she took all the PTO (a ton) to meet with architects and contractors as it progressed. Supposedly once the new house was livable she was going to quit her job and be a stay at home wife for a while getting them settled (he insisted.)
          2) he was too busy to do all of that because of his demanding job being a partner & doing lots of business travel. During which he was carrying on an affair with his biggest client’s assistant, who came along on all the trips.
          3) he served the divorce papers on wife out of the blue while the house was being built. She had no idea.
          4) during the divorce he moved money around and successfully hid a bunch of it from wife & she had to hire a forensic accountant to at least find some of it. A lot of her income and savings went to the costs of building the house, which he was supposed to replenish but never did.
          5) turns out mistress was pregnant & now lives in “dream house” with the ex and their new baby.
          6) he convincingly tells everyone in our industry that he and his ex “grew apart” and are “the best of friends,” which could not be more opposite of how it actually went down.

          If I saw this man in a crosswalk when I was driving, I truly believe my brakes would fail.

          1. OMG NUMBER 5!!!! My eyes just about fell out of my head.

            DH and I built our dream home in 2020 and luckily my job was flexible that I didn’t have to take PTO, but it was SO MUCH TIME for all of those meetings and answering all the questions. Like until you do it I don’t think you can imagine how much time and cash it takes. That is horrifying that she poured all of that into the house and now this.

          4. I’m 11:35 and yes, he’s a complete POS, but he’s charming in person so everyone thinks he’s a great guy. It makes me gag.

          5. @ Anon, that is similar to this guy. He likes to be big community guy, loves this small town, does everything for it, talks to everyone. He is a big idea person, and I think he’s going to find more resistance to his ideas than he used to…

        3. They usually have the next one lined up before they chuck the wife, in my experience. God forbid they should have to sleep alone.

        4. My ex FB’d an engagement notice within 48 hours of our divorce proceeding. Like it wasn’t even final yet. We had until then deliberately kept a low profile with the divorce and its cause, and if I had strategically thought up something designed to put public opinion in my favor I could not have done better.

    2. I’m from a small TX town and I cannot imagine this. My dad was very active in the town and left my mom for a member of our church and they both were basically run out of the church.

      1. I was kind of surprised that there wasn’t more chattering about it amidst the volunteers…I mean new girlfriend was there and working hard/around, so we weren’t mean to her. There was def an energy of biting our tongues when the names came up (and the wife’s name, which of course naturally did come up) all weekend long. idk if that means we are trying to be good people or if we’re just passive aggressive people. LOL

        1. I hope you/your colleagues reach out to the poor life, who seems to have been instantly ostracized. How horrible for her.

          1. I just posted up above to share a bit about that side – I did reach out to her a few weeks ago. I know she likes yoga, so I invited her to a yoga event, told her it was my treat whenever she wanted to come in. The studio can be her place in the town, since the dude and girlfriend don’t come there.

            She also did show up at the festival, which she loved (like she loves the festival itself a lot), and I know the other volunteers were very happy to see her/gave her hugs. I’m glad she didn’t let the new couple keep her away, and she seemed like she had a great time (posted on Facebook a bunch).

            Honestly, the drama is also strong on her side. But she 100% should not be the one who feels weird in this situation, and everybody knows it.

    3. I know this is not PC and will cause some pearl clutching, but I think it should be socially acceptable to gossip and call people out on their bad behaviour. I’ve played the ‘quietly watch a man ruin his family’s life and move in the mistress’ game and I’m so sick of it.

      1. I kind of feel this. like I was wondering why this story keeps bothering me, aside from knowing the people pretty well and it being in my face, and I think I’m just very much like – really we’re just going to give him a pass about all of this?

        I first talked to him in person after the wife had moved out the week prior, and I just said “yeah sorry about you and wife” – because I knew them both. I didn’t know about gf at that point, I just thought it was a normal breakup. They had been really rocky the first 15 years – broken up a few times loudly/publicly and gotten back together, but the last 5 years they had really seemed solid and working together a lot in the different community groups. So while it wasn’t entirely surprising they broke up, it was weird/sad timing since they had seemed so solid the last few years.

        So in response to me saying “sorry about you and wife”, he proceeded go on a long ramble… says something about how he was sick of getting accused of cheating, and the rambled on to how he was looking for roommates since it was a big house and he might as well have someone living there since he had the space, and then he specifically brings up how there’s a rumor going around that the girlfriend name is moving in and he doesn’t know how that got started but if she and the boys needed a place to land he had the space, and heck if a relationship naturally happens (!) that’s alright with him too. AND THAT is when I ended that conversation and left because I’m like OKAY you are clearly foreshadowing something I do not want to talk to you about. a week later she was moved in, and two weeks later he’s referring to the kids as his kids.

      2. for sure, social opprobrium is a great tool for maintaining a society that people want to live in. I don’t think it should be ILLEGAL to do this kind of thing – people should have legal freedom to live how they want – but you should know for sure that your name will be mud in your community if you do this to your wife and kids.

        1. Seriously! My parents are from a very small town (and our neighborhood in a larger area can very much feel like a small town) and this guy’s name would be dragged through the mud for this (rightfully!). It would be a slow but thorough freeze – think Kelly Bishop’s speech on the trophy wife trying to join the country club in the Gilmore Girls revival. The wives would refuse to engage with the girlfriend, the men might engage with this guy at the lodge/elks club but he would be persona non grata for all church and personal social gatherings.

          1. I wonder if the slow but thorough freeze will naturally happen now after the event. This last weekend festival might have been all too fresh and sudden, and it we all had way too much work to do to freeze out anyone who was helping in a major way. I am a bad representative since I didn’t socialize with him anyway and our convos were probably 95% community business already.

      3. Yeah, for some circumstances, isn’t gossip just the natural consequence of bad behavior? There’s a difference between malicious gossip and just reacting to batsh*t choices people make!

      4. Gossip, not so much. Deciding that you don’t want to maintain personal and social (town events, PTA, etc) contacts with someone who cheated on their spouse? Go right ahead.

        I lost friends when I expressed unhappiness with a toxic marriage. Those people thought they know better than me what went on behind closed doors. I don’t like being friends with anyone that arrogant, so I guess the feeling was mutual. They had egg all over their faces when soon to be ex did something horrible, unnecessary, and destructive. Some of them even tried to defend him in it, which hurts but is also kind of hilarious.

        1. well your last paragraph is really awful, I’m so sorry that your friends didn’t believe you. Arrogance is a perfect word for that; such insane arrogant gaslighting to tell someone they don’t know what is happening in their relationship!

          I have a tendency towards making mindset shifts in my own life, and I try really really hard to not let that cross over into my conversations with others (especially DH). I think that’s what some people do to their friends when they’re talking and it’s really crap. I don’t think it’s our job as friends to change their minds, I think it’s our job as friends be their witness of life and validate their feelings. idk if that makes sense, but I’m sorry your friends didn’t do that for you.

          1. Validating their feelings gets into interesting territory. What STBX did was awful and many of his friends outright enabled it. They said there was nothing wrong with it and raked me over the coals for being angry.

            For reference, one of my friends heard a bare outline of what happened and literally dry heaved. Someone else told me – and she was not entirely kidding – that her friend has a pig farm and she would, ahem, take care of him at a time when I had a rock solid alibi.

            But his jerk friends? “Oh poor guy needs support as his marriage falls apart because of his awful unforgiving wife.”

      5. I lived in SE Asia some years ago where public gossip operates this way and when I was riding the micro buses that everyone uses, the Aunties in the back of the bus were loudly commenting on a man who was harassing a young girl, bad enough that he finally slunk off the bus. Another time a young man got off at the brothel stop and they were hanging out the window yelling about how he should be ashamed and they were going to tell his mother (the practice is that you ride the micro bus where you are related to the owner/driver/ticket takers). He also slunk off. I often thought we’d have a lot fewer bad public behavior issues if *everyone* commented about how gross you were for abandoning your familial responsibilities, preying on young women, urinating in public, littering, whatever.

        3. I’m with you for gross things in public (preying on young women, urination, littering) that everyone agrees are unacceptable but also it’s not worth it/potentially hazardous to confront the perpetrator alone. The problem is public gossip then also operates in a pretty coercive fashion about other things that are private business — or at least so it goes in very religious world adjacent to my sort of religious world.

    4. Girl. Go gossip with your neighbors and fellow volunteers. This is exactly what gossip is for! It will be a lot more satisfying than posting here to strangers who don’t know anyone involved.

    5. We had a client who was absolutely insane. She asked for us to deliver one single answer to a complex question (think “what is the one true cause of cancer and what is the one true cure for it”) and no amount of reasoning would get her to see that it was insane and not what our contract called for. If I had been the project Director, I would have gotten us out of the contract, but alas. In any case, she wanted a completely crazy deliverable for her wild goose chase and since it meant the timeline got extended, I made sure to set the deadline right before my vacation and the end of the fiscal year. I dropped that dumpster fire in her lap at her busiest time, went off the grid for two weeks 12 hours later, and enjoyed watching her reap what she had sown when her superiors said “wtf is this.” We will never work for her again.

      1. Dumping clients that are like this is so satisfying. This week we made a decision to dump a client/not take any more work from them and it feels really good.

        Sometimes you just have to clear up that space for the clients who are good and do make it worth your time!

    6. WHOA. This is bonkers! I cannot believe the restraint you showed — I would have been talking and talking and talking about this with my friends and neighbors!

      1. Well, some of it may be because we’ve tried really hard to not make this event itself be a place where we’re complaining or talking about the other volunteers. A few years ago my organization combined with his organization to run this festival – it’s a lot of forking work. This guy and me were the original co-chairs, and I did a lot of work to try and create a culture where we complained less about the other group because there was a lotttttt of negativity, fingerprinting originally, scoring/tallying originally that was really unhelpful and miserable. So this year, it actually went for the most part really smoothly working the two groups together during the event. So those past efforts of all of us to create a positive environment where we don’t all hate each other by Sunday afternoon – that might have helped us to bit our tongues during this last weekend.

      1. Ugh, that’s awful. Not a very admirable type of guy. This guy is used to having a lot of goodwill and community power, and I think he’s going to find that he has a harder time rallying to get people to agree with him in the coming months.

    8. For anyone who enjoys petty drama, check out the podcast Normal Gossip! It’s so good. Grandma’s Best Friend Dot is where I tell everyone to start, but there are tons of great episodes.

    9. If this were one of those random posts FB feeds me from “Bored Panda” I’d assume it was fiction. I am always surprised when this stuff happens in real life, but it does happen. Some people are just train wrecks who actively seek to create drama.

      1. I totally 100% agree that it totally would be something I thought was faked, but hand to god it’s all true. Train wreck creating drama is a perfect description.

      2. The audacity of men knows no bounds. Unfortunately this stuff happens all the time, even in my own family there’s been TWO men who’ve done stuff like that.

        1. I know of two divorces in my very very inner circle of like fewer than 10 besties where the divorce was immediately caused by the husband impregnating the other woman.

          I swear to god in both cases the man tried to blame it on the wife.

          1. oof, I didn’t think of the fact that new girlfriend could be pregnant! But that would totally make sense! hmmm I guess we’ll know if a few months….

            And yes, he tried initially to blame it on his wife “I just couldn’t live this way anymore, with all the accusations”. Well HER ACCUSATIONS WERE RIGHT DUDE.

    10. I hope you will reach out and support the wife if you know her at all. When my seemingly perfect husband dumped me out of the blue on a Monday evening and then moved into a college dorm to be near his 19 year old girlfriend (he was 34 – what college lets a 34 year old in a dorm?!) I appreciated all the commiseration I could get, even if I didn’t know the person very well before.

      2. Omg that’s awful. Believe me, this guys actions are speaking for themselves – he has made it abundantly clear what is going on and it’s gross af.

        I posted above, but you probably posted before I posted those – I kept thinking of the wife, and finally just sent her a quick message saying I was thinking of her and inviting her to a yoga event with me, saying the yoga studio could be her space. I know she likes yoga, and I said the class would be on me (I know she doesn’t have a lot o money right now). She responded right away with long messages. She’s understandably reeling. She couldn’t come to the yoga class I invited her to, but I told her it was a standing invitation any time she could make it.

        1. Oh good – I’m glad you did that. I was so, so embarrassed and miserable by my ex’s actions that I did not reach out enough to my friends or larger community, and I was very grateful for people who proactively connected with me. I hope people saw my ex for what he was, just like you see this louse!

    11. Strongly recommend everyone who enjoyed this thread making the time to watch the SNL skit “Meet your second wife!” if you haven’t!

      1. addddding it now!

        Also, thank you everyone VERY VERY MUCH for indulging me here. It was very cathartic!

  8. Ever feel like you do so much in the days leading up to a trip that the day before or when you actually leave you are exhausted? I don’t even mean a big vacation – I mean like going to see the parents for four days type of trip.

    I miss the days of being a 27 year old in biglaw – grab a duffel bag, pack whatever is clean, even take a dirty item or two that’ll be laundered there, and skip out the door. Now at 43 DH and I feel like we’ve spent days doing laundry, taking out the trash, making sure a maintenance thing in our place was squared away before we leave, running out to get gas in the car. Not that we need to take sooo much clothing for a few days but we also don’t want to come back to piles of laundry and other chores. We usually pack the day before which is today and both of us looked at each other this morning and were like uh no more. We don’t leave until tomorrow but still.

    Anyone else? We can’t figure out if we’re just old or inefficient or what. And we don’t have kids so we can’t blame it on then. I fact it seems our parent friends still have a bit more – whatever gets done gets done otherwise we’re leaving – attitude.

    1. I’m a 43-year-old parent, and I feel the same way. Have for a long time. Getting out the door is a feat in itself. DH and I divide and conquer, involve our older kids, and it still feels like a lot.

    2. I can identify but I have 2 kids and 3 pets so…there is a lot to square away before a trip. What does help me is to make sure all weekend before is a ‘stay at home’ weekend – I focus on the stuff I can do ahead of time – get cash, fill up the cars, make sure the pets have their supplies for the boarding place, stock a freezer meal or two for our return and take care of other maintenance. I also travel a bunch for work so I am really good at packing myself.
      Maybe ask ChatGPT to give you a packing list and a pre-trip checklist? I just did that for a recent family trip and it was surprisingly helpful.

    3. Eh, so you’ve learned you prefer coming home to an orderly house rather than crash landing. What’s the issue? Also – it’s almost the same amount of effort to leave for a long weekend as it is for a week, so we take the longest trips possible to get the biggest reward for the planning.

    4. I do the same, and it’s just me and one kid. I do try to space out the prep a bit (sometimes packing a full week before we leave). I think the différence is that when I was in my 20s, I didn’t care if I came home to a messy house and piles of laundry. Now I also despise spending time in a nice, neat hotel room and then coming home to clutter. I’m not naturally a neat person, but these days my house is never cleaner than right before I leave on a trip

    5. You’re describing a totally normal change–as we mature, we recognize that we don’t want the consequences of chaos, so we start to do more things to alleviate it. When you were 27, you didn’t care if you came home to a house that needed maintenance, piles of dirty laundry, trash that was stinking and piled up, etc. Now you care and don’t want to live like that anymore.

      1. Exactly this. Same age as OP and I have thought the same – I don’t pick up and go like I used to in biglaw, I’m old now. Reality is I’d pick up and go in at 27 and there were plenty of times I’d come home and a week’s worth of trash needed to be dealt with or dirty dishes I’d left or there would be no clean towel to shower with. But then maybe I didn’t care because often I was coming back and living in the office for a week anyway. By no means do I keep an immaculate home, but I don’t live like that anymore either and I’m home more now. It’s nice to come back and have no laundry to do for a week or two – esp if returning from parents or inlaws where I likely do a load before leaving. Even returning from another trip, ok one load of laundry to do, not piles of piles of old laundry plus more dirty clothes from the trip.

        And when I think about it, it’s all this prep that takes a long time – extra laundry leading up, making sure trash and dishes are in good shape. But when it comes down to packing, that’s still done in 30 min like it used to be, just with fewer decisions of what clothes are clean enough.

    6. I’m not tracking, similar no kids but I still go away like I did in my 20s, which sounds just like you describe? There’s always laundry and house stuff to stay on top of regardless of a trip. Always has been? We keep a neat house, weekly cleaner, everything organized daily, I travel a ton so makeup and travel regulars are always ready to go. It’s just sorting out what I want to wear that takes a few minutes. Even the dog doesn’t add much stress, she either comes with us and has her own travel tote or goes to board with the same.

      1. Agreed, this is a choice. I’m 36, and sometimes I’ve cleaned the house before I leave, sometimes not. Leaving things undone doesn’t even really make a difference in how tired I am the following week!

        The laundry is especially puzzling to me because there’s automatically more dirty laundry when you come back from a trip, so that box is unchecked as soon as you walk through the door.

    7. As I’ve gotten older and had more income to use for vacations, the packing has gotten more complex. We love skiing and have taken up multi-day whitewater rafting trips – the hardest one to pack for was 9 days on the water followed by a 4,500 vertical hike out, meaning that we could only pack what we were willing to carry for that hike. I didn’t even own much of the gear that we needed for the river part – that was a complex trip. It was 100% worth it, though, and ever since then, I remind myself that the more planning a trip requires, it’s often the more fun.

    8. I have one kid, but since she was born we’ve started trying to return from vacations on Saturdays so we have Sunday to catch up on laundry, grocery shopping and other life stuff.

      I also agree with Cat on taking longer trips. We rarely go away for just a long weekend, and when we do I often feel like all the packing and planning wasn’t worth it. For a weeklong trip (8-9 days with weekends) it feels more “worth it.”

      1. I’ve found the opposite – we’ve started making the effort for more short trips and ALWAYS found it worth it, including ones that take effort, like skiing. We’ll drive 5 hours roundtrip in a day for a fantastic ski day (with all the “stuff” that requires) and I’ve never regretted it – how many times have I blown five hours on pointless internet surfing? I can either spend five hours screwing around at home or I can spend it getting to and from an activity I love.

        1. I think a day trip or even one overnight is a little different because you don’t have the same level of dealing with house stuff when you return. I was really thinking more of trips that are 3-4 nights, which is long enough that you return to mountain of house tasks, but short enough that you don’t really get in proper vacation mode.

          1. I just can’t figure out where the additional tasks are coming from? Unless it was super sporty, you’ll have the same amount of clothes to wash? The house should stay clean unless someone is staying while you’re away.

            I always make sure we’ve got eggs and pick up bread en route home, so we have an easy dinner. And we tend to unpack in the laundry room so the queue can start.

            Cavaeted with – I am a mediocre packer, and 80% of trips will find me in an H&M buying socks, but otherwise…

          2. I don’t think it’s really additional tasks, but more just the concentration of a lot of relatively small tasks (laundry, yardwork, grocery shopping, meal prep or packing lunches, etc.) that would normally be spread out over a much longer period of time. It’s especially bad if you return on Sunday afternoon/evening and need to do most of these tasks before Monday morning, which is why I suggested coming home a bit earlier.

          3. Dropping meal prep is the best way to get your Sundays back. There’s nothing worse than leaving something fun early to go chop vegetables.

          4. I don’t do meal prep personally, was just listing common stuff people do on weekends. I know people who have to do it, because they don’t have enough time to cook on weeknights. The point is that you’re gone from Thursday night to Sunday afternoon, you have to do all your normal weekend chores that you would normally spread out over several days in the space of one evening, which can make for unpleasant re-entry.

        2. Same. I mean, not skiing, but I’d rather do a weekend trip or a day trip to a neighbouring city. I don’t have to cook, the house stays clean while we’re away, what’s not to love? I think WFH makes this easier, we don’t do as much laundry on the weekends now, unless it’s sunny and we want to get sheets or something on the line.

    9. I used to overpack for my vacations but I have learned some fundamental things about myself –

      1) you are not going to wear all that makeup on a beach/lake vacation. Just pack sunscreen.

      2) throw away the samples of products you don’t already use. You’re not going to use them on vacation. Just bring along what you already use.

      3) imaginary Vacation You is not going to wear all of those items of clothing you never wear in real life. On vacation you’re going to wear exactly what you wear at home.

      4) if you really need something you didn’t pack, you can buy it there. Stores exist everywhere.

      5) only bring comfortable, already broken in shoes.

    10. I’m with you. This is always why I don’t understand how some friends of mine are able to go on so many trips in a year (let alone how they have the touch PTO/able to take that much time away). Maybe they’re just palate you more mess than I am.

      1. Our family takes plane vacations about once a month. I do have a pretty high tolerance for mess and our house is not super tidy. We also have a cleaning service and lawn mowing service, so we don’t have a long list of household chores to do before or after. We go carry-on only for virtually all trips. We don’t do a lot of adventure travel and most of our travel is to relatively warm weather climates, so packing is kind of on autopilot at this point. Kids were expected to pack for themselves beginning around age 6 or so (with adults double-checking the necessities for a while). I’m terrible about unpacking and often don’t get around to it until it’s almost time for the next trip. Our suitcases basically just live in our living room at this point. It is what it is.

      2. We’re like your friends and also have no tolerance for mess.

        -The more you do something, the better you get at it. This includes packing and what “ahead of time” chores give the most bang for their buck.
        -The house is never THAT bad to begin with, so it’s more like carefully timing watering plants, running the dishwasher, and doing like 2 loads of laundry so you come home to fresh towels & sheets
        -We usually pack the weekend before a trip, regardless of duration. This prevents overpacking out of “no time to think so throw it in there” last minute worries. Adjust the night before only if the forecast changed.
        -We have a dedicated “travel stuff” cabinet for things like mini speakers, adapters, portable chargers, eye masks, water bottles, noise canceling headphones, toiletry kits, bag of OTC meds, and so it takes 10 minutes to go through the cabinet and pack it. We refill empties upon return so never have to rifle through to see what we used up last time.
        -On re-entry, we unpack immediately and get the piles of stuff where they need to go and store the luggage, but don’t worry if the laundry takes 3 days to get through – it can sit in the basement happily waiting
        -We usually end up ordering light takeout (sushi, salads) the first few business days rather than trying to fit in a major grocery shop immediately

  9. I have three holiday gatherings to go to, all of which require a side dish or dessert. Any ideas for cold/room temp dishes that don’t require a ton of effort? And aren’t very fancy, because these are not fancy crowds? I am feeling very uninspired.

    1. I’d go with homemade brownies or the salted brown butter rice krispies treats that smitten kitchen does (brown the stick of butter, add a pinch of salt, and then add the marshmallows/cereal). Otherwise a bag of tortilla chips, pre-made salsa/pico and guac will always be popular – you can also call ahead to Qdoba/Chipotle to order chips and guac/salsa to pick up. Or else raid the prepared food aisle at Trader Joes/Whole Foods.

      1. +1

        I actually agree with the brownies.

        Get the Costco Ghirardelli brown mix, which comes with multiple bags inside.
        So darn easy, and tasty. Brownie mix + water + oil.
        I spend 10 extra seconds to make them taste even better. Add 1-2 teaspoons vanilla, add extra chocolate chips, use coffee instead of water. I like using avocado oil or olive oil.
        I sprinkle sea salt on top during the last 10 minutes of cooking.

        I let them cool well overnight and use good technique to cut them cleanly into little squares.

        Who doesn’t love a brownie?

        1. You’re right; the Ghirardelli brownies are legit and making them would make my life easier.

    6. Side dishes:
      Elotes/Mexican street corn
      Broccoli salad
      Pasta salad
      Watermelon

      Dessert:
      Strawberry shortcake (made with Bisquick and canned whipped cream for maximum ease)
      Banana pudding
      Pie made with a frozen crust and canned filling

    8. Seven layer salad was one of our unfancy and cold 4th of July classics: https://abeautifulmess.com/7-layer-salad/

      Our standard fruit salad was canned pineapple chunks, chopped apples, grapes, and canned mandarin oranges. Not fancy, but popular and refreshing. (Our fancy fruit 4th of July salad was watermelon and jicama with strawberries and blueberries, sweetened and with a dash of lime. It wasn’t popular haha.) Our least fancy 4th of July fruit tradition was bringing fully frozen grapes to the fireworks show.

      A chilled cheesecake with strawberries and blueberries is a nice holiday dessert. A good cheesecake recipe should be very simple, and there’s no need to worry about the top cracking if you’re topping it with fruit anyway; I always just used the one on the bottom of our pie plate, but if there’s one on the cream cheese package that’s probably just as good.

      That’s all I got but I hope it sparks some ideas!

      1. Even easier: Buy a frozen pound cake. Thaw, cut into slices or cubes, top with blueberries and strawberries mixed with a little sugar.

    10. Cowboy Caviar. Google it and there are a ton of variations, but I usually have like black eyed peas, bell peppers, italian salad dressing. Mix and serve with tortilla chips.

    11. 2 bags of romaine hearts. 2 bags of croutons. A bag of already-shredded Parmesan. 1 bottle of Newman’s Own Caesar dressing. Voila – Caesar Salad. Everyone is happy to see a salad at any gathering. It always gets 100% eaten.

    12. I like to bring the Bon Appetit dairy-free trout dip. Serve with celery sticks or thick-cut slices of cucumber/carrot/red pepper (cut on the diagonal) and/or some not-too-salty crackers, as the dip itself is salty so the vegetables are a nice counterbalance. It is very easy to make, as long as you have a blender, and keeps well, so you could make three portions at once and take them to each of the events even if they are a day or two apart. It is not for everyone, but it will be different from what others have brought.

    14. None of the following take a lot of effort or require any cooking:

      1) Fresh mozzarella, grape tomatoes, and basil, mixed and drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, plus S&P. (You can also fancy it up as finder food by skewering chopped or tiny balls of fresh mozzarella with grape tomatoes and fresh basil on toothpicks or other mini skewers.)
      2) brownie “bites” from the supermarket
      3) fruit salad without cherries or strawberries (for allergy reasons): one small container of black berries (cut in half if they are huge), one small container of blue berries, and two kiwi fruits — peeled and diced; mix, then drizzle with some honey and squeeze some lime juice and sprinkle a very small amount of sugar

    16. If you have access to good summer tomatoes: make a garlicky balsamic vinaigrette (or buy a good quality one). Add dried basil and dried thyme to it- a goodly pinch of each. Cook cavatappi or some other box of interesting pasta (or rotini). Add two containers worth of halved cherry tomatoes, a big fistful of fresh basil leaves (just buy the basil plant in the produce section, it doesn’t cost any more than those little packages of sad, wilted herbs.), and a package of mozzarella “pearls” (mini balls). Wet it good with your vinaigrette. Stir in two heaping spoonfuls of mayo (Duke’s!!!) (or whatever you like). Give it a good shower of cracked black pepper and taste it to see if it needs any salt. This pasta salad is greater than the sum of its parts, but it MUST be done with summer tomatoes.

  10. I am a child of immigrants and my parents and my in-laws are in their late 70s and early 80s. I grew up with a mom who is all about appearances, who forced me to wear frilly dresses to church and then got mad that I got food stains, etc. Anyway, I developed an eating disorder while in Biglaw, lost 10 lbs before my wedding, all the things. Even now, when I see either my mom or MIL it’s a bunch of comments about appearances, DH looks like he lost weight, kid needs to eat more, DH should get his sun spots lasered, and I am finding it increasingly irritating, especially since my kids are teens and understand everything. Should I just ignore and redirect the conversation or is there a nice way to tell them that in America, it’s rude to comment on peoples bodies and stop focusing on superficial things that don’t matter?

    1. You could try both. But it sounds like this is about setting some boundaries for your mental health.

      What I mean about trying both: you need to say out loud that you don’t want comments anymore. Be direct and calm: “I know you might not understand, but please don’t make any comments about my appearance or my family’s. We’re healthy and taking care of ourselves, and your comments are hurtful.” They may object and defend and say that they’re just concerned, etc. — just stay calm and say, “I understand, but I’m asking you not to make comments.”

      Then, when they inevitable do make comments (out of habit or whatever), remind them of the boundary and redirect the conversation: “No more comments like that. Now, how are your hydrangeas doing?”

      THEN, if they aren’t hearing you, you’ll have to set the boundary more firmly: “This is the last time I’m going to ask — if you can’t stop making comments, then we’re going to have to leave.”

      Give them a chance to re-learn old habits, but don’t swallow your feelings and boundaries, either.

      Good luck! This is hard work, but it’s important.

    2. I think your kids need to see you drawing a line here and enforcing the boundary. I think that’s how they will know that sort of behavior is not okay and you don’t endorse it. I wish my parents had done the same for me.

    3. I mean you can say that and YMMV but in my immigrant family, the 70 and 80 year olds aren’t changing their ways. They see nothing wrong with going on and on about your body and even if you directly tell them to stop – they pause for 3 minutes and circle back to it. Maybe your family is different? But in my Asian culture, this isn’t ever going to change. It’s one of those things where you if you don’t want to deal with it, you stay away – which can also be hard if you otherwise want to see them.

      1. +1 If anything, this would make my dad make even more comments like this. He is not a nice person.

    4. Let DH manage his own relationship with his own mom. For you, I think you will have better luck if you frame it as a request /for you/ : “Mom, I know you don’t mean it like this, but I feel really scrutinized when you comment on my appearance – can you please not” – ie focusing on the impact on you and even framing it as a favor to you, rather than focusing on a universal judgement (“in America, it’s rude.. “) which can lead to more defensiveness

    5. I feel this hard. My MIL comes from a country (and still lives there) where it is 100% acceptable to comment on people’s weight gain or loss. There is NO hope for changing this behavior – it’s 100% cultural and I could no more expect her to change than I could expect myself to start commenting on my coworkers’ weight. I would focus on talking to your kids about it and saying that some cultures have different practices that we can find rude.

    6. I’m just wondering: where in the world is it OK to comment on weight? Or is this the sort of thing that many older people do when they get to the stage of life where there is no filter left? Not an immigrant but I have one older relative like this. Just bossy and a know it all and cannot read the room to save her life.

      1. My family is from India and pretty much any time I see any of them their greeting is “Anon. You have gained weight!” I appreciate that they are much more dysfunctional than your average Indian family, but I think the norms are still on average different than they are here.

        1. Cultural norms are definitely different. I have a number of Indian friends (they mostly grew up there and came to the US as young adults) and they comment on appearance, including weight, pretty directly and openly. My Indian-American friends (born here or came here as young kids) are less direct because they’ve absorbed American cultural norms but their parents comment on weight very openly.

      2. Europe, Russia, many countries in Africa, and Asia. Honestly, it’s really only the U.S. where it’s become taboo to not.

      3. I have lived for long chunks of time in parts of rural West Africa (several countries) where it was not only ok to comment on but “you’ve gained weight!” or “oh, so fat!” (especially talking about a child) is the compliment (reads like: “you’ve got a healthy glow!” or similar) and “have you lost weight??” is an expression of concern.

      4. Honestly I think in most of the world weight management is a collective responsibility, not an individual one. There are pros and (clearly) cons to this approach.

      5. I would guess it’s from an Asian family. When I lived in NYC the Asian ladies at the salon/spa would 100% notice and comment on customer’s weight, clothing, accesories, etc.

        1. My neighborhood asian dry cleaner had a bulletin board and some neighbors had thumb-tacked school pictures of their kids to it.

          When I was picking up my cleaning once, I pointed to one of the pics and said “oh we know her!” as she was my daughter’s bestie at the time. The lady at the counter said “she’s not cute.”

          I told my asian bestie this story and she laughed and said she didn’t know her mother was working at the dry cleaners now.

      6. South America as well- my husband’s sibilings’ nicknames are Gordo, Gordo, Gordo, Flaco, Flaco and Flaca (fat, fat, fat, skinny, skinny, skinny). Their spouses are Gorda, Bediza, Gorda, Flaca, Viki and Gordo (fat, short, fat, skinny, Vicki and fat).

        1. Hahah omg I’m dying at “Vicki.” Why is Vicki the only one who doesn’t get labeled fat or skinny!? And should Vicki be flattered or offended by this??

    7. I’m sorry. My parents are also from another country and constantly discussing my weight. I always accepted it but when they started discussing watching what my 2yo ate so she doesn’t get “chubby” I snapped. Now I just loudly announce “oh I don’t discuss weight” and then talk about something else and pretend I don’t hear anything else they have to say on the topic. It’s awkward but they seem to have gotten the point.

    8. This would backfire on the relatives like this in my family. I would support your kids by coaching them about what to expect and how to deflect it and that it’s rude.

      1. I would also focus on talking to the kids so they know it’s rude and inappropriate.

    9. Commiseration from another child of immigrants. Three months after I gave birth my mom got me a Fitbit for Christmas to get back in shape (and got nothing for my husband because the Fitbit was expensive enough?) She was on me for years about losing the weight I gained after giving birth and multiple IVF cycles, without much compassion for what I was going through. I did eventually confront my mom about it and then she stopped and hasn’t mentioned my weight since. Not sure if that will work for your family members. I agree with other posters that you must draw boundaries with these family members for your own mental health and as a model for your children.

      I am currently reading the Manicurist’s Daughter which is a memoir and talks about the impossible beauty ideal for Vietnamese women, and a lot of it resonates with me though I am not Vietnamese. She talks about having to finish a meal even if we don’t like it or are not hungry because that would insult the cook, but we would be scolded for taking seconds.

      Another book I read recently is What Will People Say? which is a book about mental health for children of immigrants. She talks about how our parents usually married young, before the regions of their brains that regulated emotion were fully developed (which happens in mid-twenties). That is one reason why immigrant parents are often emotionally immature. Lots of other interesting things in that book and helpful resources for boundary-setting.

    10. You can ignore it, or you can address it head on.

      My MIL is about the same age (77) and while generally very lovely she will say things about appearances/weight. I got her to shut right up when she was making a comment about how my sister was looking so much better, so nice to see her lose weight. “Well, three months in the hospital and an immune disorder will do that to you.” She shut right up.

    11. My very American mom is the same way. I’m literally pregnant and she still comments on my body. Every time, I tell her to stop or I’ll hang up the phone. She either stops, or she calls me too sensitive and I hang up.

      I feel bad because she very clearly has disordered eating and has been on every fad diet, even now in her 70s, but I also am not going to listen to that.

      1. I’ve hung up for this reason so many times. My mom did eventually stop. For me it was when she started it up talking about my SIL and my niece that I felt that it had to stop.

    12. Solidarity–my mom only stopped with the underhanded remarks and nonsense about my weight and appearance once I married a well to do man, since that was her and my now-late father’s only objective: for me to trick–I mean land–a “rich man” into marriage. Sigh. And these were radical hippies! (turned Master of the Universe in the 80s and 90s type in my dad’s case).

      I had some success with the positive reinforcement–when they’re acting in the way I like, I give the “reward” of my attention, approval, etc. I’ve also had some minor success with “that doesn’t seem like you, I’m surprised!” with as much sincerity as you can manage (implying that the “real” MIL or Mom would never be so rude).

      I’d also try to refocus on positive times–“Mom, let’s not, we only have so much time together, howsabout we have fun, not nit pick DH’s sunspots” (yeesh on the last).

  11. Any suggestions for blush that suits drier/more mature skin? I like the cream blushes for ease of use but they don’t seem to have a lot of staying power. The powder blushes I used when I was younger (Nars, Hourglass) seem to either dry out quickly or get patchy on my mid 40s skin.
    Anything you’ve particularly liked? Otherwise my holiday weekend project will be a trip to the local mall to get some ideas.

    1. Sali Hughes recommends primer for this situation in her excellent book, so primer and then your cream blush.

      1. is it the Everything is Washable book? haven’t heard of her before, thx for that!

        I like Milk cream blushes for my older skin; an older influencer (mid 40s lady) on Tiktok turned me on to youthforia.

        it’s interesting though i do definitely feel like i need to touch my blush up before I go out. It’s just more vital now that I’m older, I find.

        1. The book I’m thinking of is called Pretty Honest. She also has a column in The Guardian.

          Lisa Eldridge is also great for more mature skin tutorials.

    3. I like Merit.
      I’ve also had luck with the e.l.f. monochromatic multi stick but can rarely find in stores. I order on Amazon.

    4. One way to go for long lasting blush is to apply a cream blush then “set” it lightly with a powder blush. Works for me.

    7. I *adore* Phytosurgence’s Condensate (color name) blush. It’s a cool, muted/desaturated mauve that is the closest thing to a natural flush for pale, neutral/cool toned skin that is muted. It’s ultra-creamy and can be layered or left sheer. I do like Glossier’s cloud paint but their Dusk is a touch orange/brown for me and they don’t really have other colors that aren’t too saturated or pink/red. The formula is very easy to work with.

  12. BigLaw lawyers and big in-house lawyers:
    How do your firms handle donations and solicitations? Our firm will give locally if big firm clients lean on us (regardless of the worthiness of the cause) and not otherwise (regardless of the worthiness of the cause). IDK if it is the client vs a personal connection of an in-house lawyer who sends us work strongly suggests we sponsor something).

    I doubt a bank TBTF is leaning on us for 10 pet projects of 10 in-house lawyers. But if I could get someone to lean on me, I could get some worthy projects in the community funded.

    FWIW, no project is law related. All clients have anti-kickback rules and do not want gifts given or solicited, as do we. Trading favors is maybe where it is at now? Some client made us underwrite a very expensive 10 year Pride sponsorship, the symphony, a museum, and some $$$ private school annual funds. There is nothing for refugee assistance (which could be pro bono assistance even), addiction recovery, kids aging out of foster care, etc.

    1. We formed a committee that has to approve these. They usually tell us no, we tell the client no, and that’s frequently the end of it. If the client really pushes, individual partners on the account agree to chip in personal funds. The partners tell the client they are doing that so the client doesn’t think the firm will cover it in the future.

      1. This seems fair. Or just doing a match. Or even “all of our competitors are doing it so we need to represent.”

    2. The company I work for has a community investment team and everything goes through them. We have certain categories we will donate to. Everything is else is a no go.

  13. I’m visiting someone in the hospital who has tested + for COVID. Wearing a real N-95 for the first time. I feel like 8hours in it has crushed my nose. I could barely make the M sound at the end of yesterday because it hurt so much. Is there a trick to wearing them (or is this why they work)?

    1. my understanding is that a) some N95s are cut differently than other N95s – I can’t wear the Aura or whatever at all, I much prefer the non-collapsible N95s. The other thing is that that metal bridge on the top of the mask is there for you to mold it to your nose, both to make it more comfortable and better fitting.

    2. There’s some trial and error with different N95s and how they fit each person. A few of my friends really loved Auras, but they would give me a headache after a few hours. I’m totally comfortable in duckbill styles, though I know a lot of people aren’t fans.

  14. I am emerging from a clothing rut (full-time WFH, Covid, then having 2 kids in 21/23) & am looking to replenish my jewelry/accessories specifically. 39 and my style has always been pretty basic on the clothing front (I generally know what silhouettes work well on me and try to stick with them, tend to gravitate toward black, neutrals, red, cobalt or animal prints) but I always liked to add interest with jewelry & accessories. I’ve bought enough clothing pieces to tide me over until fall, but accessory-wise feel like a lot of what I have is dated or cheap-looking/poor quality for where I am in life now. After a try-on sesh yesterday I discarded nearly all of my belts and the few I kept were all vintage. I think much of my fun jewelry is on its way out too, and what’s left is high quality but very basic–not likely to add interest to anything. With that in mind, I’m really struggling to find jewelry and accessories that are funky, bold and well made. Ideally looking to stay under $200 for jewelry pieces, under $85 for belts. Bags don’t play a big role in my life right now so not focusing on those and I’m pretty well set on shoes.

    Any suggestions of pieces, brands, stores or sites to check out? I did just purchase a few rings from Etsy (we’ll see how they work out…) but really lost on where to go next. I want to make getting dressed up fun again!!

    Thanks in advance for any help :)

    1. I’m a huge fan of estate/vintage/antique jewelry for things that are well made and unusual. They aren’t necessarily budget friendly, though, unless you stick to silver and reasonably priced gemstones. But its a fun way to find things that no one else has. I like to browse Ruby Lane and 1st Dibs for a cross-section of things.

      1. Seriously, THANK YOU. I am about to buy so many things from Ruby Lane right now and I am so happy. I had never heard of it before and it’s amazing!

    2. I love Etsy for things like this.

      Also check out Jax Kelly. I think they do a good job of balancing classic and fun but not breaking the bank.

      My sister asked for a gift card from Local Eclectic online. Their stuff looks super unique.

    3. I’d take a look at museum stores. The Met, MoMa, and the Corning glass museum all have really interesting and affordable pieces.

    4. These recos are EXACTLY what I was looking for! Knew the hive would have great suggestions. Thank you so much! Now I need to prioritize the new wishlist :)

    5. Art fairs/festivals often have stalls for unique jewelry from local artisans. I always stock up whenever I go to an art fair

  15. Help me choose a wedding gift for my cousin, who has just married his partner after 40+ years together. They’re both in their early 70s. Live in a small town in the south and are VERY southern – think white linen suits, seersucker, daily cocktails on the porch, Baptist church every Sunday, etc. They live in a century old farmhouse and love antiques (one is an ex antique dealer). Basically, they are hyper traditional except for being g*y.

    I’m considering a crystal decanter with matching glasses, engraved with a monogram of their last initials (they are keeping their separate names), a champagne bucket, something like that? Budget is $500 – this has been a long time coming and they are the kind of people who do a lot of caretaking and thankless family labor, so I want to recognize this in a big way.

    1. Something from Joanna Buchanan? Her things are so festive and extra. Makes me what to set a table and have a big party.

    2. I like the crystal idea, but first I’m assuming they aren’t registering for china or anything?

    3. Rather than a monogrammed decanter, what about an antique one? 1stdibs if you don’t have time to go out and shop.

    4. Do they not have a registry? I just went to a very southern wedding (niece) and bought her the 7 quart Le Creuset on her registry.

    5. Do they not have a registry? I just went to a very southern wedding (niece) and bought her the 7 quart Le Creuset on her registry.

    8. No suggestions, but I would like to be like them when I grow up, please. Daily cocktails on the porch with your other half sounds like heaven.

    9. $500 gift card to a restaurant at a destination they like to visit?

      Sending them all the love.

    10. I’d check out Garden & Gun for ideas – what about an antique quilt and a tree or a rosebush (if they have a green thumb)?

    11. Do you have time or bandwidth to shop for antiques?

      There are beautiful silver milk strainers and ice or sugar tongs that would go very well with a small vintage crystal cocktail shaker, and maybe couple of small crystal coupé or Nick & Nora shape glasses. You could monogram a linen napkin, and give the set on a tray with the napkin under the crystal.
      I would add a handwritten card with your well-wishes, a toast and your favourite prohibition era cocktail recipe.

      1. I would recommend Clover Club, which supposedly was enjoyed by Oscar Wilde on a trip to the US.

    12. I just got this idea from NY Mag – monogramed julep cups. This seems deeply, deeply southern and vaguely masculine. Or you could get vintage ones, not monogramed.

    13. My go-to for nearly every wedding has been either a crystal flower vase or crystal fruit bowl. They are always well received.

      Waterford Lismore Diamond vase was the most recent one I gave this year. The 8 inch vase is in the right price range.

    14. I think the decanter idea (with or without glasses) is great. We are close to that age and we have a collection of decanters and use them allo the time.

    15. Jonathan Adler maybe? I also love Michael Aram, his stuff is just stunning and very indulgent–the kind of thing one doesn’t really buy for oneself but is thrilled to get as a gift.

  16. I just learned that Ina Garten used to write nuclear policy budget stuff for the White House!!

    Anyone else have fun trivia to share?

    1. Apparently I have more in common with Ina Garten than I thought….. maybe my dream of opening a bakery isn’t insane.

    1. Me too! I’ve been trying to use Alison Bornstein’s three words method to be really intentional about clothing purchases and this dress pretty much hits on all three of mine (sleek, geometric, playful). I really don’t need it, though . . .

  18. I have a departmental in-person retreat coming up. Folks including me will be coming from all over the country. I haven’t seen most of my colleagues in-person since before the pandemic or met our new team members. One night we’re going to a professional soccer game. I’ll be business casual in the meeting, but what should I wear to the soccer game? Bermuda shorts? White jeans and a dressy top? A sundress? Most of the team members are lawyers if that helps.

  19. Super low stakes question here: on my last work trip, women were wearing sheath dresses with sneakers, and now I’m inspired to do the same.

    Looking for a pair of sneakers that will look ok with work dresses. I’m eyeing the Adidas Gazelles, but they appear to be sold out everywhere…

  20. I’m a 40 year old lawyer and ready for a solid break, thinking about a couple of weeks at some kind of yoga or other wellness retreat in a place with meals and community. In my ideal world, it would be in Europe AND somewhat affordable. Any recommendations? I can travel for up to two weeks.

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