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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Anthropologie’s Colette pants have been in constant rotation in my wardrobe for the last several months, so I was delighted to see that they’re making a skirt in a similar cut.
I can’t speak for the skirt, but I love the pants for their high waist and flattering, ahem, rear view. The skirt comes in five great colorways, including this beautiful purple print, which is perfect for fall.
The skirt is $98 at Anthropologie and comes in sizes XXS-3X (plus sizes are only in certain colors).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Catie
I have totally lost control of my spending. I am able to pay my bills, and have some savings, but I am not saving how I should be. I realized this week that I am paying for subscriptions I never use – I must have signed up for trials ages ago and spaced out. I’m embarrassed to admit this. Any baby step ideas to get back under control or at least know where my money is going? Is there any easy way to find and shut off subscriptions other than printing out my 2024 statements and manually looking for this stuff, going online, etc.?
Anon
I know there are services that do this, but I think that’s the last thing you need right now. You need to actually start paying attention to what you’re spending and start spending more mindfully. I’d download all your statements and first do a quick skim for subscriptions you know you don’t need. Cancel those right away. Then you can do a more detailed analysis of what you’re spending and what else you can cut back on over time. ‘
Subscriptions are a money spending trap and you should avoid them as much as possible. If you sign up for a free trial, either cancel it immediately (this works for tv subscriptions, you can still watch for the rest of the month) or set a calendar alert for a few days before the trial ends to remind you to cancel.
Anon
I would just look at the last month of statements and find everything that is a monthly subscription. Cancel those.
Then search your email for “membership” or “subscription”, maybe with the term “annual,” and see what pops up. Also run a search for “automatically renew,” which will pop up auto-renewals.
Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up. It’s not productive: it only adds stress. Remember as well that companies spend a LOT of research money figuring out how to get people on automatically renewing subscriptions that they don’t use.
Anonymous
I like the idea of downloading just one month so you don’t bog yourself down in lists and lists of spending that overwhelm you (especially if you don’t enjoy lists of numbers and dates). It sounds like you haven’t been paying attention to spending, and that you’re feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Those emotions (avoiding, embarrassed, and ashamed) will make it hard to look at the statements. So just look through one of them. Expect that you’ll start looking and then will feel overwhelmed and bad. That’s OK. Get up, walk around, drink some water, shake it off (literally) and take another look.
You can do this!
Anonymous
As someone who has been in a milder version of OP’s shoes, this actually doesn’t work because some subscriptions are quarterly or annual. I would get a budgeting app. I use CoPilot, which is paid but I find it worth it. There are lots of options out there so just Google and find one that works for you. If you upload your expenses it will auto tag them and do a decent job of identifying what is a subscription, recurring, etc. Then I would go through my prior 12 months of expenses and ensure they are tagged correctly, and cancel subscriptions as needed.
Anon
Counterpoint: if she finds that to be overwhelming, going through last month’s bills, canceling the subscriptions, and then reviewing new charges as they come in (which she should be doing anyway).
Nora
Your credit card company or bank may have some simple tools to summarize your spending. On chase its called a “Spend Report”. That may be a way to start.
Anon
Printing out statements and going through them line by line is really the best way.
Cat
Search your email for “subcri” which will catch subscription, unsubscribe, etc. Also renew.
Cat
This is also, btw, a great way to bulk delete promotional email, just skim through it for actual subscriptions as opposed to mailing lists.
Anonymous
Don’t print anything! Download the CSV files. Open in excel. Sort by vendor and you’ll get a pretty quick idea of stuff.
Don’t forget about phone subscriptions – on iPhone if you go to Settings, click your photo, then Subscriptions you’ll see everything you’re signed up for. You can cancel now and still use them until the end of the term; I often cancel immediately after buying something so I don’t forget.
SFAttorney
Great tip for quickly finding Apple subscriptions.
Anonymous
I did a spending analysis recently and here were my steps:
1. Download the last 12 months of statements from each credit card and my checking account, and import each into one tab of a spreadsheet
2. Sort by name on the charge – this makes it really easy to find recurring ones.
3. Make another tab with a list of the recurring charges and their amount. I made categories for these like “subscription-cancel,” “subscription-keep,” “utilities” etc. whatever makes sense to you. But the subscription-cancel category is your to-do list.
4. I then made yet another tab where I compiled necessary vs discretionary spending. Necessary includes mortgage, all insurance, utilities, groceries (my CC is pretty good at identifying this category but I double checked based on charge name. divided by 12 to get a monthly average), and transportation costs. A certain amount of personal care and shopping is “necessary” but not all…it was good to see how much I’d actually spent and then think about what that balance should be. Discretionary was all hobbies, vacations, restaurants, etc. You don’t have to cut all of it, but I find it helpful to just be cognizant of where it’s going.
5. Optional, but I like spreadsheets: use the necessary/discretionary tab to make a burn down from your takehome pay that includes savings. play with the numbers and decide what is achievable for savings (and investments)…then set up an auto-deposit to a savings account you won’t touch, or straight into a brokerage account with a recurring monthly purchase order for an index fund or two.
Anon
In addition to combing through your statement you should unsubscribe from all marketing emails. It’s amazing how you forget about certain stores and activities once they’re not popping up in your inbox.
anon
Or have them sent to a completely separate junk mail account so they aren’t in your face when you’re checking your personal email.
Ses
Turn on the feature on your bank or credit card app to pop an alert for all charges.
First, it’ll make you more aware of how many times a day money goes out the door
Second, you can catch subscription renewals or auto-pays real time and cancel them
anon a mouse
Good for you for figuring this out! It’s easy to let it get away from you. About once a year I sit down and review all of my subscriptions to make sure that they are adding value and still worth it for me. (Remember, budgeting doesn’t just mean saving money, it means spending money in line with your priorities!) I also keep a spreadsheet of every subscription and membership I have (digital media, services, and magazines) and track both the monthly cost and the annual cost, so I can compare them all on a relative basis. For subscriptions I renew but am on the fence about them, I’ll pop a reminder on my calendar to revisit in 3 or 6 months. And for subscriptions that are on a promotional rate, I set a reminder to revisit them before they expire and try to negotiate extending that rate.
anon
I haven’t tried it personally, but ads on some podcasts I listen to describe Rocket Money as a service that will look for subscriptions and even cancel them for you. Maybe worth looking into?
Anonymous
hello! My husband and I just had The Great Sitdown (okay, fine, it was a walk followed by an evening with a glass of wine and some spreadsheets) about this very topic. We just got…sloppy…about where all the money was going. We set some goal and made some plans and in ONE MONTH we saw a change of several thousand dollars. We put nearly everything on our credit card (and then pay it off) so we pulled data for two years to look at trends etc. Here’s what worked/is working for us:
1. Actual meal planning and grocery store list making. This saved us an embarrassing amount of money. For a family of 5, eating out is $100+ even for basic take-out.
2. Intentional purchasing of things. I’m totally guilty of just throwing things in the cart. We also limited running out to the store for “just one thing” (see #1- grocery lists and meal planning) which was inevitably ten things.
3. We pared down our subscriptions. It was really bad- I found over $150/month for stuff we just…didn’t use. Including apps we allowed the kids to buy and just forgot about.
4. We upped the amount of each paycheck that is auto-deposited into savings.
5. We looked at our overall savings picture and realized between the 529s, retirement, our home equity, etc, it’s really okay but we were wasting money.
Anonymous
Anyone else struggle to keep track of what weekday it is? I historically only had this issue during weeks with federal holidays, but lately, it’s a challenge to keep track of anything- already this morning, while thinking through my to-do list, I’ve mentally thought it was Friday and 39 minutes later….Tuesday. I am a lawyer with regular deadlines and I don’t know why all my days are bleeding together. My DH says it’s because I go to the office 6 days/week and feel behind on work. I was tempted to borrow my 1st grader’s classroom, primary color, Velcro wall calendar. (Mostly joking, I’d probably forget to change it anyway…)
Anonymous
Whoa . . . what’s going on here? You’re in the office 6 days a week, you have a 1st grader, you’re so mentally distracted/scattered/overwhelmed that you’re losing track of basic information…
I appreciate the joking tone of your post, but if you’re genuinely overwhelmed or beginning to deal with some severe weariness, then it’s worth paying attention to that.
Anon
No, but I have a kid with a lot of different activities and even within one activity, the practice schedules vary based on what day it is, so I always need to know what day of the week it is to know what our schedule is. If i didn’t have a kid, I think I might struggle to tell weekdays apart. I don’t mix up weekdays and weekends, but I don’t work on the weekends.
An.On.
Only when I am completely overwhelmed. You need fewer things on your plate.
Anon
Yeah, when I worked in big law this was pretty common for a lot of people, myself included. It’s from working all the time.
Anon
Also true of working from home where it doesn’t matter if it’s Sunday or Thursday – the work is the same and so is the “office.”
Anon
The only time this happened to me was during parental leave when there was no discernible start or end to the day. I’d guess you’re working too much and not tuned into what’s happening around you – things like what day your kid has swim class or what day your spouse works from home are triggers to orient you.
anon
Only when I have way too much on my plate, and it sounds like you do. How do you start the workday? Do you sit down with a calendar and figure out a rough plan for what needs to be done?
Anonymous
You need a new job. Where you aren’t in the office 6 days a week
Brontosaurus
+1
Anon
Tell me you’re not a lawyer without telling me. At a certain point in a legal career that often overlaps with when you have young kids, that is what’s necessary. OP, hang in there and get through it. This isn’t abnormal and it’s how you build the foundation for the rest of your career, it’s a necessary evil. Also outlook will highlight the day it is if you need a reminder.
Anon
PS – the solution may be more childcare, some self care, a house cleaner, etc. but it isn’t “downshift your job.”
Anon
It might be? I am a lawyer who went part time, then in house, then fully remote as my family’s needs changed.
anon
Part time/remote would be totally fine, if that’s what she wants. If she wants to stay in her current role or a similar role, then that’s not a realistic solution.
Anon
IANAL, but about 75% of my team is. We’re government but “in house” (so not AUSAs, but our office’s OGC and policy experts who are JD preferred).
No one works more than 40 hours a week.
Anonymous
I am a lawyer, I make 240k a year, I am in the office 2 days a week and work like one weekend day a year. There’s law outside of whatever nonsense job you have.
Anon
+1 I am also a lawyer who makes $220k base with a big bonus (and who has gotten retention bonuses every year thus far) who never works nights or weekends.
Anon
I’m the same. I realized that I need to look at my calendar and planner multiple days a day to orient myself. I’ve always been this way though.
anon
+1
I like having a physical pocket calendar/desk calendar/calendar on wall.
Anon.
I have a large calendar on my wall and look at it all the time.
Anonymous
I was like this when my kids were little and I was working in the office everyday (well, 5 days a week. I am a lawyer with a pretty predictable schedule. Every now and then I work a weekend when I am behind, but it is not the norm for me.) I literally would mark the day off my wall calendar every day so I could quickly glance and see what day it was. For me, I think it was mostly from lack of sleep.
Anon
In my real life, no because I do different things after work on different days.
My job requires field work though, and when I’m in the field I work 12+ hour days, 7 days a week for a few weeks or months at a time. So in the field I never know what day it is, but also it doesn’t matter because every day is the same.
Panda Bear
I’m searching for a slim/classic fit merino wool v-neck sweater – anyone have recently purchased favorites? My go to brands are either weird shapes, oversize fits, or fabric blends.
asd
Brooks Bros is always a winner
Anon
I haven’t purchased in the last couple of years (maybe 3 years ago?), but if it’s not already on your go-to, Uniqlo has always hit a sweet spot for quality, price and classic fit.
Anon
I want to get all of the Uniqlo merino sweaters. How do they fit IRL? I’m 5-4, so cusp petite, have a stomach but I’m flat-chested. I need something that I’m guessing is a medium but since it’s an Asian brand, maybe I’m a large? I am a 6-8 in blazers in the U.S. For sweaters, they have either been so shrunken or oversized lately that it’s hard to know what my 2024 sweater size is in something I expect to not be snug but also not be huge.
Anonymous
Their size charts include actual garment measurements I think
Anon
If you buy in the us, the sizes are listed in standard US size and I found them comparable to other mall brands. I’d buy my regular size. I think their Merino is bad quality though, fwiw. Very thin. You can probably read a newspaper through the light colors. Mine developed holes and I didn’t replace.
Anon
Gap then? Theirs look to be promising.
Anon
We are similar in size and I get S at Uniqlo. I love their merino sweaters.
Anon
In this year’s Uniqlo sweaters, I advise that you do not size up, and that they are not long in the torso. I am 5’2” and think they fit well. I purchased the elbow sleeve, the collared long sleeve and the v-neck.
Anon
I have this sweater in just about every color they make it in. I size up so that I can layer a camisole beneath it as it is slightly thin, but it is quite warm:
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/silk-cashmere-shawl-collar-sweater/WY00605.html?pid=WY00605&dwvar_WY00605_Color=OYST
Anon
That sweater is gorgeous. Thanks for the link.
Anon
Banana Republic usually has some.
anon
Not recently, but I’ve usually found these at Banana Republic.
Anon
I stopped wearing wool a few years ago, but I used to buy these at Uniqlo. The light colors got holes quickly (maybe due to whatever chemicals were used to bleach the wool). If you want something that lasts, look elsewhere.
Anon
If merino blend is ok, Uniqlo or Gap fit your description. Gap currently has 50% off so the cardigans are under $35.
Anon
Alex mill, Vince?
Elle
Check out the jcrew Halle crew neck sweater. fits true to size and mine has held up well.
SSJD
Seeking tips and recommendations for sparkly temporary tattoos. I want to add sparkle to my outfit (and my teen daughers’ outfits) for a dance party my family is attending. We don’t like the glittery makeup we’ve tried in the past, which feels stiff and uncomfortable. I thought maybe there are temporary tattoos that look metallic or glittery. I’m imagining a cuff or an upper arm decoration or similar. Any ideas? Specific brands or 5ites to check? Other ideas beyond tattoos also welcome. TIA.
Anon88
I don’t have any specific recommendations, but I was at an event where some people were wearing glitter freckle temporary tattoos that were really cute.
Anon
Tattly is a popular brand for fake ones, haven’t looked at them in ages so no idea of they have glitter versions.
Anonymous
I would get body glitter or stick on gems instead of a temporary tattoo! I put the body glitter in my hair and used the gems to make a design around my eyes.
Ses
Search for clip-in hair tinsel – it’s sparkly and easy to remove
Anonymous
I love glittery temporary tattoos when I go to festivals. Super cute. I usually just pick them up wherever I happen to see them, which is usually wherever I’m buying festival outfits. I think I’ve gotten some from old navy in the past, but I’m sure they’re a seasonal item. I feel like Sephora had them once upon a time too.
Anon
People buy festival outfits, like for RenFest? I thought for music-type festivals, you just wear denim and whatever comfy boots you have.
Anon
Festivals like Coachella
Lydia
I just got some extremely sparkly mermaid ones on amazon for a kids party… I’d look there!
Happy Anon
Good morning! Please remind me what the good bed sheets are that we like from Target? I am ridiculously excited to be getting a new bed – moving on from the one I shared with my horrible ex.
Also wishing everyone in the path of Helene the best.
Anon
Treat yourself to something better than target. I like parachute for this.
Anon
We’re not all made of money. Target is a step up for a lot of us.
Anon
The ones I really like are I think the Threshold 400 thread count ones. I’m a sheet snob but these are good quality and soft, I love them.
Betsy
Yep, these are the best! I’ve spent more money on sheets but I’m never happy, I always come back to Threshold.
Happy Anon
Thank you all! Target is a good price point for me. I love their colors/patterns and will have sheets later today.
I am so happy to be in my OWN bed, literally and figuratively.
Anon
Your happy upbeat posts are making this internet stranger feel happy too! Congrats on your own bed!
Senior Attorney
Congratulations!!
Anon
I like Threshold sheets too and I’ve tried some more expensive brands.
anon
Agree, they really are fantastic sheets!
Anon.
Threshold holds up. Never Opal! But I love my new percale sheets from the Company Store.
Anon
I like company store too! They often have good sales.
tarjay
Threshold Organic Percale
Anonymous
If you grew up in an immaculate home and you don’t keep your own home that way, do you ever feel bad about that or miss that situation or do you simply chalk it up to different life choices?
Both DH and I grew up like this in our homes in the 80s and 90s. My mom worked full time and had a relatively long commute and then basically spent all day Saturday and probably half the day Sunday every week cleaning, cooking home made meals for the week, and keeping home. My dad helped but really it was my mom doing the vast majority. There was no cleaning service, we only got takeout once a week so it was really all homemade food. My MIL didn’t work so she did these things all week long. Honestly DH and my home is ok but not great. We have a cleaning service but they really take care of basics and we get takeout 3-4 times a week. Cleaning services obviously don’t make things perfect, they don’t address clutter. I feel like I made a decision mentally a long time ago that I was NOT going to work full time and then keep home in all my free time. Like my recollections of my parents on weekends is my mom just doing one thing after another, being extremely short tempered with us kids as she had a ton to do and was obviously exhausted. She used to say her weekend began on Sunday afternoon after everything was done and then it was back to work Monday.
Fast forward some two decades and now DH is making noise about how nice it would be to have a home like that. Part of me is like you do you dude, I’m not a 1980s wife, so if you want to spend all your time cleaning, go ahead. But then part of me is like no because even if he is doing it, not me, it’ll still affect our family life and our child. Granted parents in the 80s were less involved but I vividly recall my mom saying more than once how things like soccer are a pain for the parents. Meaning she thought it was a time waster to go watch your kids have fun for a few hours and then go out to lunch when there was so much to do at home. But now as a parent, I feel like if you don’t engage with your kids when you can, soon they’ll be 16 and too busy with friends to engage with mom and dad.
How do you handle this sort of thing in your home?
anon
Yeah, I grew up in an immaculate home. Our home is pretty darn good, by most working parents’ standards, but I still sometimes struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough. That said, I’ve mostly let it go because I care a lot more about leisure time than my own mom ever did. She was a SAHM until I was in high school. Even when she started working outside the home, she was on school hours and has more energy than any person I know.
It’s OK to have different priorities. And I’d be super ticked if my DH implied that we weren’t doing a good enough job keeping house when I do the bulk of the daily maintenance. We have a cleaner that comes every other week. Honestly, I could probably do just as good of a job as they do, but there is something to be said for everything DONE all at one time.
anon
Continuing to add: My standards for what constitutes a clean house are high, I’ll admit, because of how I grew up. Also, clutter and dirt ramps up my anxiety. DH does plenty of other home maintenance stuff that I never touch or even think about, so on the whole, it feels pretty fair.
Anon
I treat budgeting time like budgeting money. There is only so live of it to go around and efficiency can only help so much.
Want a cleaner home? Then figure out what other bucket that time is coming from. It is leisure, down time, kid time?
Anonymous
First, does your husband want a cleaner house, or one with less stuff/clutter and more open space? There’s a big difference. One is about less dust/dirt, the other is about getting stuff out of the house and developing habits of putting things away.
Second, it sounds like you’re thinking that your husband’s desire for a somewhat cleaner/more orderly house means that he (you, your kid) would have to start living like your mom did. What if you could have a more orderly house while still enjoying soccer games and weekends the way you value?
Anon
Outsource.
Anon
Outsource.
Anon
Everyone needs to be part of the solution — don’t make a mess and don’t walk past a mess. If everyone helps for 15 minutes a day, you can have a good house. If no one cares to, then no one can complain, either. It helps to start with reducing clutter and a place for every thing (and then you shift to “every thing in its place.” FWIW, my kids have always helped make their beds and change sheets and put away laundry and have graduated to doing their laundry and weekly sheet changes and towel changes. I’m trying to raise them to be adults with good habits and not permanent children nagged by me. Also, one kid is the shopping helper and one kid is the grocery unloader and if an item isn’t written on the list, it probably won’t be bought unless you are the one in the store with me.
Anon
Grew up in an immaculate home and keep one now. The main trick is don’t have kids. Followed by weekly house cleaners that do more than the basics. Ours changes the sheets, does laundry, cleans out the refrigerator, among other things that probably aren’t typical. For meals we do a meal kit a couple of nights a week, keeps it healthy and cuts down on mess as they tend to be low effort. Takeout is actually less messy. Both my husband and I clean up after ourselves and deal with things right away – mail goes in the trash, Amazon boxes in the recycling, etc.
No Face
Growing up, the home was immaculate because my mother is a neat freak who loves to clean. She was a low-income, working single mother so it was all her effort. Her place is still perfect.
I care more about playing with my kids, going on adventures, and snuggling on my couch with my kids. When I’m not having family time, I prefer to read a good book or hang out with my husband. Cleaners come everything other week so it’s not disgusting, but most of the time it is pretty messy in my house. I can have a clean house when I’m an empty nester!
Anon
You briefly mentioned clutter, so I’m only speaking to that as I struggle with that as well.
I’ve realized that I don’t just have clutter because I don’t spend time dealing with it/picking up, but also because I make things harder than they need to be because I have TOO MUCH STUFF. (excuse the yelling).
E.g. When my linen closet is overflowing, I end up with clean towels piled on the counter. Yesterday I spent literally 5 minutes stacking up the extra TP and getting rid of the 5 ratty towels that I only use when I’m horribly behind on laundry. Boom – now I have space for my clean towels, feel good when I open the closet, and putting away towels feels easy when there’s a ready space for them.
So, I guess that’s a long-winded way of saying I’m trying to make my life easier in 5 minute increments, because I have no desire to spend all day cleaning up.
Anon
Cleaning in five minute increments is a really good way to do things. You can wipe down the kitchen counters pretty thoroughly in the time spent waiting for a kettle to boil.
Anonymous
My mom didn’t work for most of my childhood and her house was and still is always immaculate. She shamed my SIL (but not my brother, of course) for not keeping a perfect house and for using a cleaning service. Their house always looked pretty perfect to me.
I had to overcome a lot of shame when I first ventured out on my own. It took me a while to get a cleaning service. I’ve moved past that now. I like my life and so does DH. One of the unexpectedly great things about our relationship is that we have similar tolerance levels for clutter and we also help to “see” different types of clutter. He doesn’t see mail piled up or snacks left out, I do. I don’t see makeup and clothes draped all over the place, he does. But neither of us is super anti-clutter where we’re always on each other about tidying. We just help keep each other in check.
One thing I aspire to do is to have a home for every item. Sometimes items don’t make it to their home and that’s ok. But when I get the urge to tidy I want to be able to put stuff where it’s supposed to be, not engage in the emotional upheaval of determining where to put the thing. Usually when a thing has been laying out for a while it’s because it doesn’t have a home and we haven’t had the emotional energy to find a home for it.
Anonymous
It sounds like you maybe have a little more stuff than the family as a whole can easily manage?
I really like the advice of Dana K Wight. One of her things is that it’s a good idea to declutter to a level where the house is managable with a daily five minute pick-up. If you have less stuff, the cleaning service can do more, too.
She also always advices to protect the relationships more than stuff and cleaning, so might be a good fit for inspiration.
Anonymous
Oh I’d just mmhhhmmm him and ignore. He’s literally free at any moment to just clean something if he wants to. I don’t think you need to engage beyond “our houses were very nice and our mothers spent all their time on that, I’m glad we prioritize time with each other and our kids over tidying”
Anon
I would be livid if my husband did this to me. Both partners have a right to have an opinion about the house they keep. And the solution is not simply more time spent. You can outsource, declutter, etc. it deserves a real conversation and finding a solution that works for both of them. That is how marriage works.
Anonymous
Not my marriage.
Anon
My approach is that you only get 52 Saturdays a year and only a smaller portion of those will include time to yourself. Don’t spend those days cleaning – spend them getting outside, going to museums, being with your family, doing the things you love. Our house isn’t spotless and there are things I wish were cleaner, but I do NOT regret not blowing weekend time cleaning it. I do what I can on weeknights (since those days are already affected by work – doesn’t feel so much like I’m losing free time) and call it good.
tl;dr: I can’t have an immaculate house AND spend my time doing things I love. The latter is more important.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t know anyone who casually maintains an immaculate home. Unless you have the budget for regular housecleaners and a daily housekeeper it takes nonstop commitment. If you’re not born neat as a pin it’s exhausting. I feel like my home can’t be both a functional space and perfect all the time.
Anonymous
Life is too short to spend all weekend cleaning. My mom loathes clutter and didn’t work. I don’t think our house was immaculate but cleaner than mine. But I also know my mom didn’t love her life (she overshared), and I don’t like the extreme lack of clutter. I feel like she spends half her time doing things like putting the toaster and salt and pepper shakes in the cupboard and then taking them back out to use so the counters are clear. I don’t feel like it so I have crumbs under my toaster on my counter. In short, I feel comfortable with making different decisions. In your case, I would ask your husband what he sees as the solution and be on board with supporting it, but not taking sole ownership of the problem.
Anon
I’m the opposite. I grew up in a very messy home with a working mom (bless her, she never expected to be a working mom) and now as a working mom myself, my home is much cleaner. I would not say immaculate but it is by comparison.
One main difference between my style and my mom’s is that I’m willing to get rid of stuff. I try to recycle and downcycle as much as possible but I have no trouble sending stuff out the door one way or another.
The biggest difference is that I have a husband who is an equal partner around the house. So sorry, Mom.
Anon
Both DH and I grew up in immaculate homes with SAHMs. My Mom is a complete neat freak and her home is still perfect. Honestly, I really struggle with this because she imparted that having everything perfect is an act of moral superiority and anything less than that is a cause for shame. DH and I have high standards for our home and we both contribute in different ways, but we just will never achieve the immaculateness of the home we grew up in due to time constraints. I’ve mostly made peace with the trade offs, but I still feel some anxiety around it. DH and I mostly keep each other in check. I am the type of person that clutter does not bother – so, if I have some neatly stacked papers on my office desk, mail on the entryway console, and clothes neatly stacked but not put away, I’m ok with it. But DH hates clutter so I try to deal with it and put that stuff away regularly before it builds up. I’m more focused on bathrooms / kitchen being clean, so I’ll vocalize when things are not kept clean. We have cleaners come every other week, so that helps. DH fully cleans the kitchen every night and puts everything away because he wakes up early and enjoys the peace of coming downstairs into a nice kitchen.
We do the best we can and we engage our kids to get them to make their beds, fold laundry etc. It is a work in progress. I’m not willing to sacrifice all my weekend time and quality time with kids to reach the level of perfection I grew up with, but I end up dealing with a low level of anxiety/shame about it.
anon
Oh hi, are you my long-lost sister?!
Anon.
Our once every two week cleaner makes the house pretty for one day. The way I deal with this problem is try to do a deeper clean of one room each weekend. I 100% agree that keeping a house immaculate is a waste of time but the occassional scrubbing on hands and knees is important.
anon
Honestly, I don’t know how my mother did it. Freshy cooked meals every night, worked full time downtown as a Director in big law, kept house clean, and was a pretty good Mom. But… she was miserable, and lonely. I think her garden kept her sane.
Thank goodness life is potentially better now for women. Give yourself a break.
And it’s time we realize that we really do not to be cleaning as much as the stay at home Mom example. It really is not necessary. Family / life / sanity is more important. Time is our most precious commodity.
Anon
Next time he makes a comment like that, you could consider casually asking him to let you know what his plan is so you can discuss it. Are there certain things he values more than others (less clutter v. less dust)? Is there some specific thing that bothers him (the hall closet is overflowing)? What is his suggestion for the solution: more outsourcing, 30 minutes of dedicated decluttering one evening a week, etc.? He shouldn’t be foisting the entire planning and work onto you by wistfully reminiscing about the clean home of his childhood. But maybe he has some real ideas for small changes that would be easy to implement. If he has no interest in doing either the planning or the work and instead wants a clean home to materialize because he mentioned it, then that would become apparent if you ask what his plan is.
Anonymous
Meh. My home is a hot mess because I have elementary aged kids and work a big job. I don’t hire cleaners because I just don’t care that much, and that’s ok.
Anon
Low stakes question of the day. I’m a regular reader of the Carolyn Hax column in the Washington Post (and syndicated elsewhere, I think). One interesting feature is that the columns are often written so that the letters are gender neutral, but the commenters usually make assumptions about the letter writer. Sometimes I’m in agreement with most commenters and other times, like today, I’m way out of step.
Today’s column was about the parent of a toddler who is burnt out and struggling to focus on work and spending all their time playing mindless computer games. We’ve definitely had similar posts here. At the end they write “This work problem has sent me into an “I’m an absolute piece of crap” spiral. It’s like my failure to focus at work piles on top of struggling to lose pandemic weight, trying to force myself to exercise, a pathetic post-baby sex life … and I just feel like an absolute trash pile of a person.” The letter includes no mention of housework or childcare, just that they work from home and have a 15 month old. Do you think they’re a man or woman?
Anon
Woman because a man wouldn’t feel guilty about lack of sex life.
Anonymous
or about losing weight.
Anon
yup. I mean, I know a lot of guys that like to exercise and care about how they look. But I don’t think they feel the same level of guilt about not having time for exercise or not being able to lose weight that women do.
Anon
Generally – not always – men have spontaneous desire and women have responsive desire. Generally – not always – men respond to stress with wanting intimacy (for the guaranteed release) and women respond by not wanting intimacy (women often need to be relaxed to get started).
Men would respond to wanting gardening by initiating gardening, and, if he’s giving, um, eating a flower. Women would… usually just feel crummy about not having the energy.
Anon
It could plausibly be either imo, but if I had to place a bet I’d say woman just because in general society places far more pressure on women to “have it all” and feel like they’re succeeding at work, parenting and self-care (exercise, intimacy, etc.) and the writer sounds like they’re really feeling all that pressure. It also sounds like the child’s other parent is not pulling their weight, which is sadly a far more common situation for heterosexual women than men.
Anon
I think man. They call it pandemic weight, not baby weight, and I don’t think they feel guilty about the lack of s*x life, they just say it’s pathetic (a generous reading is that he’s not wife-blaming, but feeling bad about his appearance and abilities and this is compounding it).
Anon
I’m a woman who gained a lot of pandemic weight. I think it makes sense to describe it that way if the weight gain happened in 2020-2021, before the baby.
Anon
Woman also. Weight gain also. Combo of perimenopause and not going to the gym regularly since 2000.
Anon
I’m the OP and that’s what jumped out at me. It could also be a woman who didn’t give birth because they adopted or were in a same sex relationship, but I thought it would be very unusual for a woman to not be focused on pregnancy-related body changes and just blame it on the pandemic. I also think most women would at least have some concern about housework and childcare and their relationships with their partner and kid and other friends and family, though it’s possible that for whatever reason their problems are mostly work related and those other areas of their life are fine. But I find it funny how much we stereotype these things and jump to conclusions. Almost every time I read a letter I picture either a man or woman writing it, even though they rarely explicitly tell us.
Anon
Most people who gained pandemic weight did so between 2020 and early 2022.
If she has a 15 month old, that child was born around July 2023, and baby weight would have accrued mostly in 2023.
So I vote woman. She gained pandemic weight and never lost it, and didn’t gain all that much more from immediately pre-pregnancy to now.
Example: let’s say she was 150 in 2019. During the pandemic, she went up to 200 pounds. After pregnancy and childbirth, she was 210.
Anon
This is almost exactly my situation, and I had a baby in 2022, so less recently than this person, but still after the peak of the pandemic and pandemic weight gain. I mostly lost what I gained during pregnancy, but the pandemic weight has stuck.
Anon
For what it’s worth, this column is actually based on a chat from February 2023. Hax does this a lot, but it’s a little confusing in the context of pandemic related questions. So in this case, the baby was born in Nov. 2021 and the mother would have been pregnant for most of 2021, reducing the amount of time for pandemic weight gain not related to pregnancy, though certainly not eliminating it completely.
Anon
I read Carolyn Hax every morning and I love that you brought it up. I didn’t even think about it – just assumed this was a woman.
Anon
Hax is terrible at giving advice. WAPO should just terminate that column.
Anon
I read her when I was in DC and she always seemed to give good advice. OTOH, I’m so old I knew Nancy Grace as a reasonable prosecutor before she became CNN Nancy Grace.
Anon
I disagree. Out of all of them I think hers tends to be the best advice.
Anon
Yeah I don’t put a lot of weight in advice columnists in general, but she seems better than average for sure.
Anonymous
The shame spiral screams unmanaged male ADHD to me.
Anon
+ 1 i just lived this w/ a male partner
anon
How do people pay for major home renovations? We are looking at about 100k to totally redo our first floor, which was last updated in the 1980s. I planned to save for it in cash. We have a HHI of about 300k but with a 3k monthly mortgage and 5k monthly daycare bill (3 kids), saving is slower than we’d like though we are very frugal. We paid about 50k for bathroom renovations this year as well, which we cash flowed. It’s looking like at least another two years of a really ugly kitchen and I’m getting impatient! Do people pause their retirement investments? Take out loans? Heloc? I always hear that stat about how most Americans can’t come up with $400, and yet I don’t know anyone else with a 40 year old kitchen.
Anon
My house was built in 1964 and the kitchen is fugly but functional. We repair things as needed, replace when necessary, max out our retirement accounts, and pay for kids to go to college. I care more about long term financial security than I do about my cabinet color or countertop material. We do plan to renovate after we are mortgage free (less than 5 years); we will be cash flowing that.
anon
+1
Similar.
It is a more modern “lifestyle” to do major renovations of homes for style preferences. Very expensive and I’d rather retire earlier.
But your income is good, and as long as you are financially secure/good savings and you understand your goals re: providing help for college with good start on retirement savings, if it will really improve your enjoyment and this is your forever home, then I’d check the cost of financing.
Anon
Most people take out a home equity loan if they don’t have cash on hand.
Anon
I think many people take out HELOC. Personally I’d be hesitant to do that and we’ve held off on non-essential renovations until we could pay for it with cash.
Cat
Saved and paid cash.
Anon
I wonder the same! I’m currently “saving up” to replace both my upstairs bathrooms (1960s home, original bathrooms, started leaking through the floor a month after we moved in…found the subfloors are destroyed, and we did a few minor plumbing/caulking stopgap fixes, but it’s been 1.5 years and we’re having more leaking). However, all the money we put away seems to go to other pressing house fixes as they come up.
For us, we are planning to refi when rates drop. We bought in 2022, and our equity has skyrocketed (we put in HVAC and finished the basement, before we realized the extent of the bathroom issues, plus our local HCOL market is way up). We are considering pulling an extra $80K out of it and taking a bigger loan. Barring that, also considering a HELOC.
I know wisdom would say to take the money you’d put into extra payments and sock it away now. But for us the bathrooms are becoming an emergency situation. Plus, mentally, I prioritize payment off my bills and loans in a way that’s harder to do with savings. We have no debt other than the mortgage.
anon
This one seems more immediate and necessary. I might pull equity if I was having that kind of leaking.
Anon
Yes, leaks that aren’t fixed are just going to cause more major problems. I wouldn’t sit on that, that’s basic home repair not an optional upgrade.
Anon
Girl, water inside the house is an emergency!
Anon 10:48
Ok, thanks for lighting a fire under me! I think I’m burnt out on house stuff, because while the bones of the house are great and so many things were kept up (roof, driveway, new siding, extensive basement waterproofing system) it’s an old house from original owners and we have put a lot of work into it already.
But maybe I’ll look at it as a gift that I am being forced to redo the very “vintage” bathrooms sooner than I planned.
I will call those contractors this week!
Anon
Ongoing water where it shouldn’t be is an emergency situation. You can work through the repair on a more flexible and convenient schedule after you stop the leak, but you need to stop the leak ASAP.
Putting that off greatly increases the unseen damage the leak is causing to your house and potentially your health should mold be involved.
Anon 10:48
Yes, thanks for that push. I’d been planning to find some contractors and get a quote so we are ready to move up the timeline should we need to. When we did the fixes last time we actually left a huge hole in the ceiling (right in the entryway, so classy) so we can see the pipes and monitor the situation. Right now the leaking seems to be a weakness of caulking around the shower. Unfortunately, once we start any major type of project (the whole shower needs to go at this point) I think we have to do it all, considering the condition of the subfloor and, we’re assuming, the wall between the two bathrooms that the shower is against.
Me again
To clarify: we are going to try recaulking and see if we can stop this current leak and buy some more time. BUT both bathrooms are failing so we know we will need to do them in the next 1-2 years, and are hoping to do a bit more “upgrade” than straight replacement since we are knocking down walls anyway, so considering our funding options
Anonymous
I’m sorry, but caulk isn’t fix for leaks. It prevents incidental water from seeping into seams and crevices due to splashing and the like, but you need to figure out why water is getting to the wrong spot in the first place and stop it. Using caulk as a stopgap in your situation is like trying to patch a failing dam with a bandaid.
Me again
I really do appreciate the pushback, because despite our lack of funds it’s becoming clear this needs to become a priority. I mention caulk because the leaking seems to happen when water gets outside the shower, where the shower connect to the tile floor. If we keep the bathmat pushed up over that, or we are careful not to drip out, there doesn’t seem to be a leak. (And because the ceiling is open, we can see the water come through the subfloor at that seam.) But I take your point that maybe there still is water leaking from elsewhere, and we are just seeing the overflow.
anonshmanon
We had a noticeable water leak that was shower splash water of an enthusiastic showerer finding its way to the floor on the outside corner of the tub. Recaulcing fixed it.
Anon
Loans or they live with it while they wait. You don’t *need* a new kitchen.
Anon
Most people are in debt and spend money they don’t have.
Signed, someone with a 40-year-old kitchen and the net worth to be able to retire tomorrow if I wanted to
Anon.
My last house had a kitchen from the 80s with formica and the shelving was very sturdy! The formica was breaking in places but no one would agree to reface when I knew any knew kitched would have crappy shelves. Well, now we bought a flipped house in 2018 and the cabinets are already a mess. I swear they might as well be balsa wood. I am not going to wait until it all falls apart before getting a new kitchen. I just have no idea how to make sure we get what we want.
Anon
There is a big difference between want and need. If the kitchen is unsafe, not functional, or otherwise in disrepair, then maybe you need a new one. But if it’s just a matter of dated countertops or appliances that aren’t brand new but still work, a new kitchen is a want. It’s fine to want a new kitchen! But I think it helps to recategorize it in your mind as a want and budget/prioritize accordingly.
Over the last 20-30 years, lifestyle p o r n, HGTV, and social media have made the middle-class feel that everyone has, deserves, and can easily afford a brand-new kitchen and more home than they have savings for.
Anon
+1 million to your last paragraph.
Anon
Amen.
Anonymous
We had a 350k Reno. We had $150k saved and did a 10 year $100k home equity loan. We cash flowed the last bit.
Anonymous
Fwiw we were in a similar situation. We both had good jobs and good cash flow but young kids were sucking our ability to save fast enough. We are 5 years out from competing the Reno and wouldn’t change a thing. We are in a much more functional space, it was done precovid, and our savings are still great.
We could have sold off mutual funds and paid the entire thing in cash but interest rates were low and we had the equity in the house.
Anonymous
I think people usually take a line of credit on their house with the idea that they will pay it off in a few years. Clearly, you need to have substantial equity in your house to do this.
anon for this
The answer is often generational wealth.
But seriously, we have a 40 year old kitchen and aging plumbing and bad windows. We also need to do some interior remodeling to get better flow and use of space. We are likely staring down a 300-350K renovation (VHCOL area). We’ve had a few good years in the stock market, and finally don’t have daycare payments, so we were able to juice our savings. We’ll still do about 200K in cash and the rest as a heloc. The heloc is interest-only for the first 10 years, so it gives us more breathing room but we expect to pay it off in about 7-8 years. We like our neighborhood and have a lot of equity, so it feels like the right choice.
Anon
We’ve cash flowed projects and renovations at or under ~$60k. We’re putting off a kitchen renovation (really a kitchen/dining room/living room reno as walls will be coming down) that we expect to be close to $200k. That won’t happen until our kids are both in full time school so that we can bank half of it from daycare funds. We’ll likely HELOC the rest of it but rates are just insanely high right now considering our mortgage is under 3%.
anon
People either take out loans or get an influx of cash (bonus/retirement). The other option which used to be more common (and seems to be in a certain set of Canada) is beer, friends, and a lot of late nights where you just sub out what needs a permit.
Anon
FWIW, the $400 cash flow stat floats between 35%-40%. But not knowing anyone with a 40 yr old kitchen is a function of class segregation…
Anon
Gently, the same people who can’t come up with $400 are unlikely to be the same people in your $300k HHI circle. $300k HHI puts you in the top 5% of Americans.
Anyways, we’re doing a huge $500k reno on a historic home. And ha, no, it’s not cash. The home was affordably priced, so the plan was always to take out a loan for serious things like a damp basement and less serious things like replacing functional-ish 1960s kitchens and baths. The large reno loan gets rolled into our current mortgage and we end up with a monster mortgage at the end.
anon
OP here and I think that’s part of my bafflement! Objectively we have a high income and yet my very dated, quite modest house does not seem to match up. I can assure you my 1950s split level is not in the top 5% of homes in the country! Like what on earth are we doing wrong??
Anon
You live in a VHCOL area apparently. That’s why
Anon
From where I’m sitting, you’re not doing anything wrong, but are likely comparing yourselves to folks who are in way financially riskier positions than you are. Many of the folks I know with the coolest homes in my social group (where the average HHI is also quite hight) are either the beneficiaries of generational wealth, or are using nearly all of their cash flow to support the HGTV lifestyle they want, especially if they have kids (and therefore additional costs for childcare, etc).
We’re the outliers in that group. We live in a nice but small-ish for the area townhouse, and have resisted buying a much more expensive SFD with a yard. We’re making some updates to the house in the coming year, but the reason we can do so in cash is because we have lived below our means until now, largely because we don’t have kids.
This is to say: you’re doing just fine.
anon
+1
This.
A lot of the wealthy people in beautiful homes around you had their parents help pay for them, or are living beyond their means.
You are being smart, and with 3 kids, you really need to be.
Anon
You live in a HCOL area (I’m assuming?) and have a lot of kids for your socioeconomic level and location.
Big families tend to live in areas where land is cheap and/or they accept a lower middle class lifestyle (old home, old cars, not much travel, etc.). They also don’t normally worry as much about good schools, paying for college and saving for retirement as most people reading here do. To live in a HCOL place and maintain a stereotypical upper middle class American lifestyle (nice home, buying in a good school district or paying for private schools, regular vacations) with 3 kids while also saving well for retirement and college is very hard without generational wealth or serious self-made wealth. For reference, my BFF in a VHCOL has a HHI around $600k and feels like they can’t comfortably afford a third kid and the lifestyle they want, which is not what most people here would consider a fancy one.
Anon
It’s generational wealth. You weren’t born into a wealthy family, you aren’t doing anything wrong.
Anon
You see the spending side, not the savings side. Perhaps these people have more debt than they can really afford: they aren’t saving for retirement, they don’t have an emergency fund, they have car loans, they have credit card debt, all of that.
Anon
When loans are cheap and easy, most people get a HELOC, then later refinance and fold it into the mortgage.
I’m not giving financial advice. I’m telling you what is typical.
Anon
You don’t know anyone else with a 4o year old kitchen? Wow
anon
No, I don’t know anyone who has a kitchen that has not been updated since the early 80s.
Anonymous
Not the op but I don’t know anyone who lives like that either. And I live in an area where the vast majority of homes were built in the 60s and 70s. Are there varying degrees of newness and luxury in the kitchens I see? Yes of course. But a straight up 1980s time capsule kitchen? No.
anon
It is very common in our neighborhood. Most houses are > 100 years old. So some kitchen designs are older, with upgrade of appliance just when they break.
LA Law
I went to breakfast a few weeks ago with several other women in my Southern California cul-de-sac. Two of them are in the midst of major (optional) remodels and were asking advice from a third who have already done hers. The short answer is that all of them either did a cash-out refinance when the rates were lower or took out HELOCs with the intention of folding it into their mortgages when the rates go down and they re-finance. None of them have any serious plans on paying their houses off and they all have major, major equity (because Southern California cul-de-sac). The opinion is basically that they would rather use the equity to have a nicer house with a better re-sale value than let it accumulate.
I have not done that and definitely have the worst house on the block. If I wanted to sell, I would need to do some upgrades or take a hit on re-sale value. However, unlike them, I am not planning on leaving the area when I retire so I want to have my house paid off (which it will be).
No judgment regarding their choices. If you are not planning on paying your house off, then spending money which will increase its value and make you happy while still maintaining plenty of equity is not in my view irresponsible or illogical decision.
Anon
Paying off your home mortgage isn’t always the best use of your funds. My mortgage, refinanced in 2020 or 2021, has a sub 3% interest rate. I can get over 4% in really safe investments, and my mortgage interest is tax deductible.
Anon
This. Our mortgage is under $200k with a sub-3% mortgage. There isn’t any particular reason for us to prioritize paying that off in our 40s given the rate of return our other investments produce.
Anonymous
Honestly? We paid cash by buying a home that was not only dated but smaller and on less desirable property than other people would probably have considered. And while we’ve got a beautiful home renovated to our tastes, that has likely appreciated very nicely in the last few years, we probably would have done better financially to buy a bigger house on better land and just dealt with dated everything. But you have to live in your house too and we think that counts for something. My dad always told me to be smart with your home but not try to treat in like other investments; maximizing profit is not my primary goal. A beautiful functional home for my family is. I personally think the most beautiful homes happen when the homeowner stayed within or below their means and was able to invest in beautiful materials and design without skimping so that’s my philosophy.
Anon
We bought a fixer upper and the house we were selling ended up taking a month longer to close. We were counting on some of the money from the sale of the old house to be fix up money and also to bring the amount of the primary mortgage down. It was very stressful when the closing of the sale was delayed, but I have an absolutely great mortgage broker (have since used her for several refis) who got us a combo primary mortgage with 20% down and a HELOC for the fixer up money.
The fix up ended up being more expensive than planned, of course, so we ended up using the HELOC for longer/more than expected. Then refinanced and rolled it into a newer lower rate primary mortgage, which basically paid for itself pretty quickly.
Anon
Most people don’t do it all at once.
Anon
We did it ourselves.
Brontosaurus
How do you dig yourself out of a shame spiral?
I messed up the bumper on my car this morning – nothing else was damaged but I feel SO stupid. And now I’m going over all my old mistakes and beating myself up. I have to be “on” most of the day and I’m feeling so awful. Any advice?
Anon
Mistakes happen! And in the scheme of things, this is such a small one. It’s called a bumper for a reason! Take some deeeeeep breaths and drink some cold water.
Anon
If making one mistake sends you into a shame spiral then you need to understand where that is coming from. Were you scolded or punished whenever you made a mistake growing up? Has that led you to become a perfectionist as an adult? On another day when you have more time and are not “on” you should delve into that deeper.
Anonymous
Therapy. Yes.
Anonymous
What about just sitting quietly and thinking? I don’t know why so many people think everything needs a therapist.
Anon
Depends on whether you’re a person who can think without it turning into endless rumination and a shame spiral. Some people do actually have brains that work differently than yours.
Anon
Hi, me.
This is very familiar. What if you imagine this had happened to your best friend, partner, teenager, etc? What would say to them? Then say that to yourself.
It’s not magic, but it helps.
Anonymous
I love this advice. It’s what I do when I mess up, and it helps put things into perspective.
Nudibranch
For me, I have to sleep on it. The next morning, my brain has mostly cleared, and it doesn’t seem so overwhelmingly bad.
Anon
A relative died with two safe deposit boxes 10 hours from where I live. One is paperwork from houses, birth certificates, etc. The other is maybe 20 pounds of coins. What would you do? Try to fly with it as a carry-on bag? Have it shipped? I have no idea what to do with this and with return tickets booked, I’m not sure I have time to take it all to a local appraiser. There is one elderly local relative who is declining to be executor and I’ve stepped in (the paperwork is not daunting to me because I was once an estates paralegal and it’s straightforward otherwise). That relative is in a nursing home, so can’t take possession and there are various niece / nephews who would all get a share.
Anon
I’d drive and get it. Shipping seems really expensive (though you can price it out) and I don’t think I’d be comfortable flying it as a carry-on. YMMV, of course.
anon
Carry on bag. My mom’s done this. You will get stopped at security but it is no big deal.
Anonymous
This is not legal advice and if you have counsel I recommend checking with them first – but honestly I wouldn’t appraise them, I’d set them up with an auction house and get what you can for them. I assume that old coins, like old jewelry and many other antiques, will appraise for much more than you can get for them. I would liquidate and put actual dollars in the estate versus theoretical dollars that will make all the relatives think you’ve bamboozled them out of money that never existed.
Anon
That is a good strategy to deal with reality vs opinions. And if it’s pure silver, see what its value is for the metal alone.
Anon
I inherited a few thousand dollars worth of collectible coins. You are spot on about appraised value vs what you can get for them.
Anon
(To clarify, I inherited a 1/3 share of the coins. One of the heirs was very shocked to get $1000 cash once the coins were sold, rather than the 5-7 times that amount they expected/hoped for.”
anon
This is great advice.
Anonymous
Some days my email inbox is so out of control I feel like a boxer. All I do all day is strike back at emails as they’re coming in. It’s emotionally draining and terribly inefficient. By the end of the day, I feel totally exhausted but I’ll have like 4 billable hours to show for 10 hours of email boxing. This can’t be right, right?
I’ve been taught so many different things over the years about billing for emails, I don’t even know what’s right anymore. Some people said bill at least .1 for every email. Some people said don’t ever bill for emails that take next to no time. I think what’s right is to take the aggregate of time you spent on all emails for the day, but I don’t even know how to aggregate my time when I’m working on 50 matters that all decide to email me the same day. I also lose a lot of transition time because I’m trying to get to other work, only to be distracted by yet another urgent email.
And fwiw all these emails must be responded to immediately. Anything non urgent gets saved for later. I’m talking about the days that mercury must be in retrograde or something because everyone’s hair is on fire. Anyone else have those days?
Anon
Yes. Yes I do.
But I also bill for emails, provided that the emails are substantive (doesn’t mean that they take no time, but that I’m saying more than yes/no). If a vast majority of the work you are doing in that day is email on billable matters, you have to find a way to capture that time.
Solidarity – I’m often in that space, and juggling often directly competing deadlines with insufficient staffing.
Engineer
Cal Newport has the suggestion to tackle email by topic. The goal is to avoid context switching- so sort, then write. By letting your brain get in a groove, you avoid the time-cost of the switching. I haven’t needed to try it but it has potential.
Engineer
Cal Newport has the suggestion to tackle email by topic. The goal is to avoid context switching- so sort, then write. By letting your brain get in a groove, you avoid the time-cost of the switching. I haven’t needed to try it but it has potential.
Counsel
I wish there were a perfect solution to this. If you are losing that many hours in a day, it sounds like many of those emails should be billed a .1, especially if you are responding to the email. But with that many matters, you will also spend a lot of time recording that time. One solution may be to look at your sent mail at the end of the day and add time for those emails, rather than billing .1 for each email as you go.
OP
Oh I’ve given up on trying to track my time perfectly as I go. It’s a lost cause when you’re bouncing around that much. I think you’re right that I need to count more of those emails. It just feels bad to look back on a day where I sent 37 emails for one client and think, but did I really provide 3.7 (or even 3) hours worth of value to that client? I could write a motion in that amount of time! All I did was respond to stupid emails and follow up with people to make sure stuff gets done! Is that really “legal work” that’s providing thousands of dollars of value?
Also: I hate the billable hour.
Anonymous
That is 100% billable, legal work.
Counsel
If you hadn’t been working that day, the client’s questions wouldn’t have been answered, work would not have been assigned and moving forward, etc. All of that provides value to the client.
Anon
We are looking to set up a dependent care FSA for our newborn due this fall since he will begin daycare in 2025. My husband’s work says that “highly compensated employees” who make more than a certain threshold can only contribute $2,500 instead of $5,000 (so enough to cover 1.1 months of care for us). We could also do an FSA through my work instead and while I’m not 100% sure on the specifics (we have an external benefits manager and I would need to submit a request for more info), I make less than my husband. My question is this – even if you’re married filing jointly for tax purposes, can the lower earner get the FSA with the higher threshold amount? Also, you can’t both open your own FSA, right?
Anon
Unless the rules have changed recently, you can each have a DCFSA you just can’t exceed a joint contribution amount which is $5k. When my daughter was in daycare my husband I each contributed $2,500.
Anon
Also THANK YOU for mentioning this because I had totally spaced out on it for my now-elementary schooler. I always did our daycare reimbursements ASAP since we had huge expenses every month, but this is the first calendar year I haven’t had a kid in daycare and since the expenses are accruing a lot more slowly now, I had completely forgotten about it, but I have over $1k in the account I need to claim.
anon
We always did DCFSA through my husband’s work because he was the lower earner (and worked for a big Fortune 500 company with lots of payroll to even things out) and I did have part of the account clawed back once when I did it through my firm (BigLaw) (or whatever) because of the HCE rule. We just put all $5k under his account.
anon
Has anyone tried a red-light face mask? I would want one that also has blue light because I am in my late 30s and still dealing with breakouts somewhat regularly.
My mom mentioned it to me and said that it could be a bday/xmas gift but I wanted to get opinions. I’m having trouble finding things that don’t seem like ads online.
Anon
I have the Dr. Dennis Gross one. It’s not cheap, but I do think it helps with both acne and with firming. My teen daughter uses it too.
Anon
I may get the Beauty Pie one next time they release another batch. I’m always scared I’m going to set off my sensitive skin but apparently people with sensitive skin have done well with them so far.
’non
I have the OmniLux and find it comfortable. I use it several days a week.
Anon
Any good tips or tricks for making the most out of conferences? Introvert here who will be the sole participant from my organization at a conference where I expect other organizations to send larger teams. When I’ve done these in the past I’ve enjoyed the technical substance (panels, etc.) but haven’t done well at networking. Since I’ll be the only person from my org this year, I’d like to do better. I’m sure there are people on this board who regularly leave conferences with an expanded professional network & some tangible leads for business development/collaboration/etc. Would love to learn from you!
Anonymous
Following along since I am in the same boat.
Anon
Do you have/could you find a buddy? I often have one other person at a conference whom I know, and we stick together and introduce one another to people. It helps at things like cocktail hour or dinners in particular.
Other things to do — after a panel, go up to a speaker you liked and introduce yourself, just to say you liked the talk. Then, later, if you see that person at some kind of mixer, you can ask them a question or two (more social questions, and less work-oriented ones).
Anonymous
I would caution on this–you often end up stuck to the other individual the whole time and closing off others from convos. If you’re an introvert, it can be really tempting to stay glued to your “safety.”
I am an introvert and attend 1-2 conferences a month for my job. What works best for me is arriving to a session a little early and striking up a conversation with someone sitting near me, talking to the speakers like recommended, walking up at lunch to a table that seems like it’s a little chatty already and asking if I can sit there and introducing myself. For cocktail hours, try to seek out folks on the edge of the room–it’s easier to end convos if it’s going awkwardly. Have some questions or easy open comments in mind before you mix. Try to get the other individual talking and really listen. “This is my first time attending Y. Have you been before? How does this year’s compare to last? I’m finally working somewhere with a better education budget. What other conferences would you recommend?” or “I saw a lot of sessions were focusing on Y. We’re seeing blah blah. I’ve been wondering if that’s normal. What do you think about Y?”
If you haven’t read it, I recommend reading “How to Talk to Anyone.” I’m a little rusty, but I remember it being hugely helpful for car or plane listening to gear myself up beforehand.
Anon
If you can, get a list of attendees in advance. Most places have this on an app. Plan outfits for visibility if you are trying to meet with people during breaks — “I’m in the magenta spotted dress” makes you easy to find. Maybe the one area where women have an edge. Also, comfortable standing shoes for chatting during breaks, happy hours, etc. Bring lots of business cards.
Anon
I’ve been the only or one of the only people using business cards at recent conferences. Pulling up the LinkedIn QR code is far more common, at least in my experience.
Anon
+1 LinkedIn is much more common.
Anonymous
You should receive a list of attendees a couple of days before the conference. If you don’t get one then ask the organizers. See if there’s anyone you know. Email or text them ahead of time to meet up, particularly before any of the networking happy hours or dinners, so you don’t have to show up alone. If you don’t know anyone then reach out to people you want to be connected to and ask to meet them for coffee. Don’t be discouraged if most people ignore you.
A lot of conferences also have special accommodations for first time attendees. They might have a mentor program or the organizers might be able to introduce you to people. Remember that it’s the organizer’s job to sell the conference. They want new attendees to have a good time so they come back and bring more people from their org with them. Most organizers would be happy to make introductions if you ask.
Anon
Yes to the attendee list. Once that’s released I usually start getting emails from vendors, but more happily, people I know also reach out. Those often end up becoming my conference buddies.
I had to make new conference buddies three conferences ago and I’m glad I did! I was up-front about it. Now I have two new friends. :)
TelcoLadyJD
This may be different depending on the industry that you’re in, but when I was a private sector attorney going to conferences I did a lot of legwork on the front end. I could never rely on just seeing people out in the wild. (My firm was often a sponsor, so we’d get participant lists and contact information ahead of conferences- a huge help in this endeavor.) I’d do some out reach to current clients who I hadn’t seen in a while, or current clients who might have pressing issues given the regulatory climate. And I’d also try to expand my outreach to prospective clients – people who I’d met, but hadn’t done work with….or people whose possible work matched my firm’s skillset. I’d try to schedule meetings during two out of three meals a day, plus a coffee and/or drink meeting. It wasn’t always possible, but I found that the more outreach I did ahead of time, the more successful I was.
Anon
OP here – coming back to this to say thank you! These are all great strategies. Much appreciated.
Anon
What is everyone wearing for work from home days in the fall? For those that do more than t-shirts/sweatshirts, what are some of your go to wfh outfits?
Anonymous
Workout attire if I’m not going to be on camera, because that makes it more likely that I will actually get in a workout during the day.
Anon
Exactly. Yoga pants every single day. For summer, I have cotton blouses that are Zoomworthy (thrown on over a sports bra) and in the winter, I wear sweaters over a workout top.
Anon
Same.
anon
If I’m going to be on camera, I usually go with a cotton sweater.
Anon88
I’ve worked from home for 8 years and find that I get depressed if I don’t get dressed. That said, I’m also not about to tolerate wearing anything uncomfortable if I’m at home, so my sweet spot are comfy outfits that look like real clothes. Some random thoughts:
Usually I reach for pants with some stretch in them and an at least sort of polished top. Today I’m wearing Madewell perfect vintage wide-leg jeans in black, with an oatmeal Jenni Kayne cashmere fisherman sweater and red socks.
I also love the Athropologie colette line of pants, which are super stretchy and SO comfortable.
Also I’ve been wearing a lot of t-shirts with an oversized button-down over them (like this: https://www.whowhatwear.com/fashion/outfit-ideas/dress-shirt-layering-outfit-ideas)
Crew-neck cardigans buttoned all the way up and wide-leg jeans.
Polo-collar sweaters (just bought this one in black and love it https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=543279002&vid=1&tid=brns000051#pdp-page-content)
ALT
Workout clothes or a sweatshirt and leggings. It’s extremely rare that I have calls in my WFH days and if I do, they’re all internal and nobody would care about seeing me in a sweatshirt.
And always UGGs on my feet :)
Anon
Joggers on the bottom, a simple crew neck sweater or long-sleeved tee on top. Even when I’m on camera you can only see from about my upper chest level and up, so it doesn’t matter too much.
Anon
Washable blouses if I have big on camera meetings, otherwise mostly ‘elevated’ sweaters or t-shirts. Things colorful turtlenecks, the button shoulder t-shirts from Jcrew, or Dudley Stephens. I have at least 5 sweaters from Dudley Stephens – if you sign up for their sales they often go down to $30/$40 each.
Anonymous
I do a lot of pull-on jeans with a comfy blouse or a tee shirt with a cardigan or thin pullover sweater. When I don’t feel like jeans, I’ll do track pants or Athleta Brooklyn pants (Amazon has a dupe that I’m hoping to try out). Last winter I did a lot of sweater dresses. I’m on camera a lot, so even if it’s a T-shirt, I still try to wear lip color. I also get my eyelashes done. I feel pulled together with just those two things. My hair is dirty and in a ponytail or messy bun more often than it probably should be. Like way more often. I don’t know why, but I just hate washing it and will put it off day after day.
anon
Where are you finding pull-on jeans these days? Mine have bit the dust, and I really like having that option for WFH days.
New Here
Not OP, but I’ve had luck on Amazon with Levi’s pull-on jeans.
anon
NYDJ
Anonymous
OP here. I like a brand called Judy Blue best. Second best for me is Good American.
Anon
Either a pullover sweater or a button front shirt + cardigan/hoodie on top. Chinos and sneakers on bottom. I need to be dressed to take the dog for a walk & don’t see the point of changing clothes to do so.
I do my skincare and SPF in the morning, and only put on makeup if I have a zoom or a lunch. My minimum zoom makeup is brows and lips and brushed hair. Full makeup adds BB cream, kohl liner, and mascara on eyes, and a little blush or bronzer (not much.)
I usually do put on earrings because I like earrings and have a lot of them.
Anon
To mention brands:
Gap factory pullovers (usually cotton)
Foxcroft button front shirts (fit my bust)
Forgot to mention Flax sleeveless shells
Eileen Fisher cardigans
Amazon brand zip front hoodies
Talbots chinos (reliably sized for me)
All birds sneakers – tree pipers, no socks
Kojima Pearl earrings
Anon
Can a cobbler replace the inside of a shoe? The liner, I guess it’s called, is totally worn down but the shoes themselves are fine and I don’t want to spend to replace them if I don’t have to.
Anon
Yes they can do that
Anon
Yes I’ve had it done and what they put in was so much nicer than what the shoe originally came with.
Anon
Can anyone help me find a less expensive dupe for this pillow from Anthropologie? It’s the pink circle “lilac” color with the butterfly on it.
https://www.anthropologie.com/anthroliving/shop/nathalie-lete-embroidered-velvet-pillow
Anon
World market may have a similar vibe, I’d browse there. Example: https://www.worldmarket.com/p/coral-embroidered-floral-bee-throw-pillow-629480.html
Anon
I love this.
Anon
Oh man that is soooo pretty!
Anon
Ordinarily I’d suggest checking Etsy for whoever Anthropologie is shamelessly plagiarizing, but in this case it appears they’re collaborating with an original artist who is actually benefiting from the arrangement! I don’t think you’re going to find a dupe (especially with the embroidery), but there are definitely pillows with giant butterflies on them on Etsy.
TIL there’s a Schumacher print: https://www.etsy.com/listing/902437009/schumacher-exotic-butterfly-spring
Dillard’s: https://www.dillards.com/p/studio-d-tufted-butterfly-fringed-pillow/518065733?
Plow & Hearth: https://www.plowhearth.com/indoor-outdoor-blue-butterfly-hand-hooked-polypropylene-throw-pillow/p/53ag3
World Market: https://www.worldmarket.com/p/navy-multicolor-embroidered-butterfly-shaped-pillow-634518.html
Target: https://www.target.com/p/butterfly-teen-decorative-pillow-makers-collective/-/A-89888237
Anon
Here’s an embroidered one: https://www.iansnow.com/products/butterfly-embroidered-cushion-cover
Anon
I’d like to add a bust of a famous woman (real or in mythology) to the decor on my bookshelves. Any recs for 1) a woman, and/or 2) a link to a nice looking bust? Black or white preferably.
Anon
My (white) parents have a Nefertiti bust that is painted wood that is small enough to fit on a bookcase. It always seemed so lovely and regal.
Anonymous
I would 100% pick Medusa.
anon
This is the vibe I like to bring to Zoom calls.
Anon
Marie Curie? I saw one on Etsy. Don’t know what your price range is.
There are places that sell replicas of Fearless Girl, the sculpture that was on Wall Street facing the bull until the male sculptor of the bull demanded it be moved, and if that doesn’t say everything….
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fearless_Girl
Anon
The bull is supposed to be a good symbol: bull markets.
Having some young girl stare it down was just dumb.
Anon
Ok sir.
Anonymous
Agreed. Should have been a bear. Was dumb.
Anon
Personally I would do Medusa but that’s a certain vibe…
Anon
What’s the vibe? I feel left out of the Medusa talk!
Anon
It’s become a popular motif/tattoo for survivors of SA.
Anon
Oh wow. I had no idea.
Anon
I tried to look this up but there’s a lot of “well actually” online which zero percent surprises me.
Anon
Oh wow. I’d probably have thought it was a Versace thing!
Anon
Here’s a nice one of Hypatia: https://statues.com/product/hypatia/
Though that site has some other cool ones of women whose appearance is actually known!
anonshmanon
Hypatia would be so cool, I’d also consider Ada Lovelace.
Anon
Does anyone use period underwear as a nighttime back-up and if so, can you recommend a particular kind? I have extremely heavy flow for a 24 hours period (thanks to premenopause) and my ultra tampon plus overnight size giant pad still did not catch all of the flow that went right to the sheets. I hate washing sheets and especially the waterproof lining. Looking for an adult-sized training underwear basically…
Anonymous
i feel like it’s a lot easier for period underwear companies to do a thick pad than it is for them to do a thin pad, so the cheaper ones should be fine. maybe try the bambody ones from amazon? otherwise i really like my knix or dear kates.
Anon
I just bought a few pairs of Thinx undies for this purpose after an overnight pad plus a super plus tampon wasn’t enough to stop me bleeding onto my clothing during a 3 hour car trip (also thanks to perimenopause). I haven’t tried them yet but they seem comfortable enough and they washed well.
anon
Seconding both knix and Thinx
Anonymous
I like the proof brand from Nordstrom. The seamless edges are so much more comfortable and flattering under clothes. Thinx gives me VPL.
SSJD
Uniqlo has period underwear. It has held up well for a couple years.
Anon
Not what you asked, just throwing it out there because it’s the only thing that works for me at bad times: discs. They hold up to 6x what a super tampon holds.
Anon
I was going through this and decided to get an IUD. The perk is I barely get a period now, no more worrying about leaking through. Plus,I feel better, not drained and exhausted like I used to during that time of the month. I don’t know if it’s an option for you, but just wanted to share since I was going through something similar. Before that, I would put a towel down under me at night to avoid the leak through to my sheets.
Anon
Period Company makes great overnight panties.
Anon.
Just throwing this out there: Are Depends an option, or any of the disposable underwear post-partum women use?
anonshmanon
PSA for LinkedIn users, if you haven’t seen it on aam: LinkedIn quietly started using all user data to train AI. You need to opt out via settings. If you use windows 11 through a non-business license, you may also want to opt out of Windows Recall…
Anon
Thank you! By the way when I selected opt-out, I noticed another setting in which LinkedIn is also using the data for ‘social, economic, and workplace research’ so I clicked opt out also. Do you know how long this has been there?
anonshmanon
not sure. The ai thing is recent. The market research I view as the price to pay for a free of charge website.