Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: The Deana Wrap Dress

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1. Help me plan a vacation to Chattanooga for the week of July 4. Me and DH plus a 5 yo and 9 yo, and we’d be driving there. I’d like to spend a few nights in the city and then a few nights maybe camping or glamping? Somewhere in nature and close to swimming holes and waterfalls. We’re flexible on dates, don’t necessarily need to be there on July 4. I have never been to the area so I don’t know where to start!

   1. Why Chattanooga and where are you coming from?

      It isn’t that far from Pigeon Forge and the Smoky Mountains. That’s a great area for camping/glamping/cabins, although it might be an expensive weekend to go.

      Chattanooga has… battlefields and a thoroughly mediocre zoo. There is also a Costco. The Local Goat has good food, so there’s that.

      —

      I am an inveterate lover of vacationing in small towns and small cities; even I wouldn’t go to Chattanooga.

      Go to Nantahala National Forest, Pigeon Forge, and Asheville.

      1. I loved Chattanooga when I went there for a work retreat (wasn’t expecting to). There is definitely way more there than a Costco from great museums to restaurants. Way to yuck someone else’s yum though.

   2. I haven’t been to Chattanooga but in general I avoid traveling on July 4 in the US unless you’re specifically going for the holiday festivities. Otherwise you just contend with higher prices and crowds for no reason.

      1. Omg sometimes people are such downers. Lots of us travel then because we already have time off!

         No specific suggestions although I’m unaware of Chattanooga being a busy enough city for three days.

         1. She said “ We’re flexible on dates, don’t necessarily need to be there on July 4.” If she had to go then, it would be fine, but if she has a choice – which she does! – my advice is to avoid it.

   3. Chattanooga is fun! Definitely plan on the aquarium with your kids. Schedule a duck boat ride on the Tennessee River. Your kids may be a bit old for the children’s museum, but it is a really good children’s museum for little kids. Take a walk on the walking bridge to the North Shore. Ride the carousel. Get ice cream. Check out Rock City and Ruby Falls (kitsch, but required). Ride the inclined plane. Walk around at the top (and again, ice cream). Get a bite to eat in St. Elmo’s on your trip over to the inclined plane.

      1. +1 to all of that. Chattanooga is fun with kids that age. My kids are young adults now, but we have fond memories of a couple of weekends in Chattanooga. There will be July 4th festivities on the river, so I would definitely hit that up. Aretha Frankenstein’s is good for breakfast (and they sell their pancake mix, which is so good that, before my local Publix started carrying it, I developed a knock-off version and made it in bulk at home). For camping/glamping, look at north Georgia also. Chattanooga is just across the state line, and I know there are some glamping options in North Ga.

      2. These are all excellent recommendations, especially the aquarium and the incline plane. The incline plane is a very unusual form of transportation. Ride it to the top of Lookout Mountain, then walk to your right to Point Park. From there, you have fabulous views. Note that the urban park Walnut Street Bridge is closed for renovation until fall of 2026.

      3. I went in my mid-20s on a long weekend with my boyfriend and did all these things and had a great time. I definitely think it’s a fun place to visit.

   4. the chattanooga aquarium is really cool and worth a visit (specializes in freshwater river fish, whereas most aquariums are focused on salt water species!)

   5. I LOVE Chattanooga! Definitely do the aquarium. It’s two buildings and one of the best I’ve been to. I don’t have a good sense of your kids’ capabilities but the rafting trips in the area are outstanding. Also be sure to catch the little street market outside the aquarium once a week.

   6. I found the town very charming. It is more walkable than most. I especially
      enjoyed the inkline railway and the Hunter museum. have fun

   7. When I was about that age (8? 9? I don’t remember), our parents gave us the option of going to Disneyworld or the N GA mountains/Chattanooga. For reasons adult me doesn’t recall, we picked the mountains (I’m sure to the delight of my parents). I still fondly remember the aquarium, and that was 30-something years ago, so definitely that. Though if you’re in Chattanooga, you’re only about 2 hours from Atlanta, and the Atlanta Aquarium is absolutely amazing (it was not open when I was a kid). I remember also panning for gold/gemstones. I have no specific recommendations since it’s been forever since I’ve been in that area, but just a counterpoint to those people who are questioning why Chattanooga.

   8. Chattanooga has more than enough for what you are looking for… this board skews East Coast, so you may not get the recommendations you are looking for.

      If you are looking for more outdoorsy activities, Chattanooga is about an hour or so from Sewanee/Monteagle. There are a lot of tiny houses/cabins/house in that area. Old Stone Fort would work well for kids. I also recommend Rock Island and Fall Creek Falls (a bit further). There is also generally a lot of hiking and swimming holes around Monteagle and the Cumberland Plateau. The hikes are beautiful and fairly well traveled, but a lot of the areas don’t have facilities (i.e., no bathroom) and are a little treacherous, so I would know your kid. E.g., Great Stone Door is beautiful and an easy hike but involves a giant cliff with no railings.

   9. TN state police are actively providing assistince to ice – pulling over folks for tail light infractions and calling in ice for detention of people for instance. I am not spending descretionary money in TN at this time.

      1. You’re a ball of fun!

   10. Chattanooga has a lovely art museum! Don’t miss it!

   11. Why Chattanooga? There is literally nothing there.

   12. We had a great family vacation in Chattanooga a few years ago! We were there for 3.5 days before driving to Nashville to visit family. We drive from New Orleans, and it felt like a long way to Pigeon Forge or Gatlinburg and then back to Nashville.

       We stayed in an AirBNB in the Lookout Mountain neighborhood. We had fun at Rock City/ Lookout Mountain, Ruby Falls, and the Incline Railway. We walked across the river to Coolodge Park, and my son loved learning about the engineering of the bridge on the way over and had fun on the carousel and then just running around. We walked around the little downtown area and went into some tourist/gift shops and bought ice cream. I wanted to go hiking at some waterfalls nearby, but the weather didn’t cooperate.

       We had good, kid-friendly dinners at the Choo Choo hotel restaurant Tony’s Pasta Shop (and coffee and dessert at Rembrandt Coffee Shop), and Two Ten Jack.

       As we drove away, my son asked, “When can we go to that fun place again?”

   13. So, we’re doing something similar over Memorial Day weekend, but going to Nashville for a night or two then heading to a state park resort in Kentucky. You could do the same…a couple nights in Chattanooga to see the sights, then look at TN State Park Resorts for cabins, etc. They may even have historic CCC lodges/cabins which is always cool.

2. My spouse and I are considering a cross-country move and would appreciate some outside perspectives.

   Current location:
   – We live in the Northeast corridor (Bos-Wash region). Think Boston, D.C., or North Jersey.
   – I work in a tech-adjacent field, and my spouse is a tenured teacher in a top school district. It’s a strong region for both of our careers: there are many companies aligned with my skill set and excellent public schools for my spouse.
   – Overall, our quality of life is high. We rent a comfortable apartment in a close-in, walkable suburb with easy access to the city. The area is safe, offers four distinct seasons (though winters can feel confining), and carries relatively low climate and natural disaster risk. We also have great access to hiking, kayaking, the mountains, and the ocean.
   – Major international airport(s) nearby offer 150+ nonstop destinations.
   – The biggest downside is our limited social network. We don’t have family nearby and only a few friends—mostly my spouse’s colleagues and a couple we hike with occasionally. It’s been lonely.
   – Another challenge is the housing market. We’d love to buy a single-family home, but the median price is about $200K above our max budget. Most homes receive multiple offers over asking, often with waived contingencies. While some homes in our range do exist, the inventory is very limited. I don’t know if we’ll be able to buy within a reasonable commute of our current or potential future jobs.

   Potential location:
   – We’re considering relocating to a college town out west—think Corvallis, OR; Davis, CA; or Fort Collins, CO. My spouse grew up there and recently received a teaching offer from a highly rated school district.
   – One of our main motivations is to build a stronger sense of community. We think we’d feel less isolated. My spouse has a pretty good network in the area: parents who still live in town, extended family within 60–90 minutes, and several close friends and mentors nearby or who visit regularly. While I don’t have my own connections there yet, I enjoy spending time with my spouse’s people.
   – We’re also TTC for our first child (though it’s uncertain, as I’m in my late 30s), and having in-laws nearby would be a huge plus if we become parents.
   – Housing is more affordable—single-family homes are within our budget, and the market is less competitive. However, there are fewer towns and neighborhoods to choose from.
   – I work fully remotely in a job I love and can do from anywhere, which gives us flexibility. Still, I worry about the long-term: if I’m laid off or want a new role, opportunities could be more limited. Ideally, I’d find another remote position, or something with a manageable commute. In a pinch, I could consider commuting to the nearest major metro area 1–2 days a week, but it would be a haul.
   – Lifestyle-wise, the town offers a high quality of life—perhaps a notch below our current area, but still appealing. It’s walkable, bike-friendly, family-oriented, and home to excellent schools and frequent community events. Outdoor recreation options are strong here too. The main downside is climate risk, particularly wildfire smoke. I also worry I’d miss the classic four-season weather.
   – Financially, the move would reduce our household income by 8 percent—from $223K to $205K—due to a lower public school salary for my spouse. Unfortunately, the offer isn’t negotiable.
   – In terms of travel, the nearby airport offers about 50 nonstop destinations but none to my parents’ city. There’s a larger international airport 90 minutes away with over 150 nonstop destinations (but still none to my parents).

   Apologies for the lengthy post, but I wanted to lay out all the factors we’re weighing. We’re having a tough time with this decision and would really appreciate any input, especially from those who’ve made a similar move.

   1. I would absolutely move in this circumstance.

      1. Different strokes I guess, but you could not pay me to make this move. I think you need to ask yourself if you are a city person or not; if you are, you will go out of your mind moving from a NE corridor city to a small city or more rural town, especially out west where I think northeasterners find people lack a certain sense of urgency. Also it sounds like travel is important to you, but you’re talking about totally different travel options even if the international airports may have similar numbers of destinations. Do you vacation to Europe regularly? It will go from a 6-8 hour flight depending on your starting place to 12+. Do you want everything other than domestic trips to be long haul? Medical options are likely also better in your current city if you need them on the TTC front — either for IVF or just regular old OB care. It also doesn’t sound like COL will actually be that much cheaper and you’re pairing it with a pay decrease for your husband and limited career options for you. Finally, I find that smaller communities are very insular and don’t necessarily lead to finding your people the way big cities can. I’d make a push to really get out there and do activities you like before moving; you’d be surprised who you meet. Or get a dog if that’s something you’ve been thinking about? I live in one of those NE corridor cities and I have met a ton of my neighbors out walking or going to the dog park.

         1. I also would have zero interest in living in Davis, CA for many of the reasons outlined above. I recognize the benefit of having local grandparents if OP ends up having a kid, but otherwise, it is a long list of cons in my opinion.

            1. You may be overestimating the sense of community that comes from car-dependent suburbia. Davis is a nice college town, but driving to and from a single family home will not get you what you’re after.

         2. +1 million

         3. This is really well said. I would also not be interested in swapping to a vastly more car-centric culture.

         4. I’ve lived in Boston and I’ve lived in Corvallis, and I’d take Corvallis every time.

         5. You’re giving up easy access to Europe but gaining easier access to Hawaii and Asia so I think travel is kind of a wash. We live in the middle of nowhere for my husband’s job and love to travel and the airport access is not something I’d forego a move over. It’s not ideal, but is truly not *that* big a deal. We usually end up driving 2.5 hours to the major airport with nonstop flights all over the world. OP would have that option with SFO, and it isn’t even as far for her as the hub airport is for us.

            I would not make this decision based on travel, and we’re BIG travelers (4-6 international trips per year plus some domestic travel and my husband also does a fair amount of domestic and international work travel).

   2. I wouldn’t worry a ton about your spouse’s income reduction; it sounds like the lower cost of living would more than offset that. But I’d worry a lot about career options for you. I relocated to a college town for my professor husband’s job and it is tough to find work in non-academic fields. Outside of the university, public schools and hospitals there are not typically a lot of job options in college towns.

      Otherwise we really like the college town life. If you have kids, the quality and diversity in the public schools is basically unmatched (our academically outstanding school district is only 30% white) and the city has good arts and culture for its size due to the university. But it’s not for everyone – I think many commenters here would sooner die than live where we live.

      Re: grandparent caregivers, make sure you’re on the same page about involvement. It can be a really really great thing for kids (my parents are local and it’s made our lives so much easier and my kid’s life so much better) but I’ve seen a lot of friends move to parents or in laws and be resentful and bitter when they didn’t deliver the expected level of help. If this is a significant factor in your move, and it sounds like it is, you need to discuss it up front.

      1. Think of it this way: this move is not a one-way door. If you get out there and it’s not what you hoped for and you’re unhappy, presumably you could move back to where you are now, if the job market there for your respective fields is so strong. But you won’t know unless you try.

         DH and I moved to be close to family, tried it for about six years, then ended up moving away because the city and family relationships didn’t end up being what we hoped for and lifestyle/culture/environment became more important. We ended up moving back to the place we’d left behind. In some sense we regretted ever having left, but in another, now we know “for sure” that the grass wasn’t greener.

         1. This is a great point. DH and I moved away for a year and came back to where we lived before. 100% solved our itch to see if the grass was greener, and we really value that experience.

   3. Just to help you think about a few of your factors- you need to weight them according to importance. Ex:

      -Going from 150+ nonstop (but maybe still none to your parents? unclear) to 50+ nonstop would be a big issue for us since we love to travel and connections are the worst.
      -Going from easy ocean access (like a short drive to the NJ shore) to poor ocean access would also be a big issue; we love day tripping to get mini-vacations in summer.
      -The 8% decrease in HHI may not be meaningful (or you come out ahead?) with the move to a LCOL area, so don’t look at that in a vacuum.
      -I don’t know how much hope to put on the network in New Town other than your spouse’s parents. 60-90 minutes is a long time for a one-way drive to visit with someone.

   4. If you would just say the actual place you are thinking of moving you would get much more helpful advice.

      1. Seriously. Like why write a novel and then leave that out?

      2. Davis, CA

         1. Until you said “California,” my vote was yes. But as an expat Californian, I can’t see myself ever moving back to the state. Even in Davis, I’d be too worried about droughts, wildfires, the risk of not being able to buy homeowners’ insurance, skyrocketing home prices, insane politics, property taxes …

            1. Same, was a yes until you said California. I really thought you were leaning towards Colorado.

         2. I think you’re wildly off in your cost of living assessment. Davis, while cheaper than the Bay Area is still a very high cost of living city. It’s also too far from a lot of jobs if your remote position changes and the Bay Area is all going hybrid these days. Remote jobs are few and far between.

            1. OP here: True on COL in Davis itself. I think we’d be more likely to buy in a neighboring town where homes are less expensive but still a short drive (15 min) to Davis.

            2. You really need to look at what places actually sell for and not listing prices. CA is an entirely different ballgame.

            3. I would also look at traffic in the area. It would be surprising to me if a neighboring town to Davis is actually 15 min away at the times of day you would be trying to make that drive.

         3. oooooh do double check your WFH policy. CA is often not allowed

         4. Davis is lovely! As a Bay Area person, I couldn’t handle the summer heat in Davis, but I grew up in DC and couldn’t handle the summer heat/humidity combo there anymore either.

            California is a great place to live. However, do consider whether the kind of housing you want and can afford is available in an area that has a low enough fire risk. My guess is that a lot of newer/more affordable subdivisions in that region are in the wildland-urban interface, which has a high fire risk. Even if homeowners’ insurance is available for a house in the wildland-urban interface at the moment, I would take a townhouse in Davis over a single family house in the wildland-urban interface.

         5. Yeah, California has issues. If it was Colorado or Oregon I’d be leaning towards moving, but you couldn’t pay me enough to live in California right now. Maybe if they get a couple decades of decent land management to mitigate the droughts and wildfires I’ll change my opinion.

         6. 200k in Davis is basically poverty level. I would not make this move. Everyone I know with your profile is going east, not west.

            1. +1. This could be a much difference conversation if OP were considering Corvallis or Fort Collins, but I would not choose to relocate to CA as a middle aged person with $200K HHI.

            2. +1 This will not work the way you’re thinking.

         7. Would you be counting on your husband earning a pension as part of his compensation?

            Please compare solvency of pension funds.

            One other factor: availability and cost of childcare, camps, and educational opportunities for kids.

         8. Check out a real estate site. Not LCOL by any stretch. Much much worse than northern NJ anyway.

   5. While I think the cards are all leaning in favor of making the move, I think concerns about your job are real. Was your company remote pre pandemic? What has the body language been around layoffs more generally speaking? I wouldn’t bank on a future “hybrid” job being cool with just 1-2 days in the office – seeing a lot that are 3-4, both tech and non tech based on two close friends in tech in Boston who are recently laid off and looking for their next remote or low-in-office-requirement gig (they’re not having a lot of success). Just something to think through.

      1. Remote work is trending down, I would not bank on this at all.

   6. How often have you visited the new location?
      What do his parents say about how the town has changed since he grew up there? What were the drawbacks he saw as a kid?

   7. We have very cool friends who left DC for Ft. Collins and both work remotely there. They love it! I think you have a clear sense of the pros and cons, and it sounds like you should go for it.

   8. I don’t know about the other two locations, but 205k in CA, even Davis, which is an expensive college town will be very tight and unlikely that you’d meet your home owning goals. On friends, sounds like you’re in a time of life where people are starting families and they retreat more socially. In that era, I think it’s easier to either join the crew and have kids too so you meet people through your own kids or to stay in a place and invest in the community. Being a newbie is extra hard. TL/DR, I don’t think moving solves your problems.

   9. I say go for it. If you have kids, it’ll be great to have family close; if not, they’ll still be able to help you grow your local network.

   10. From what you’ve shared in the original comment, I would definitely move. For me personally I place a high value on my home and home base community. I have lived my whole life further from international airports and that doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, however travel is also not really my thing so my advice there isn’t aligned with your priorities. It’s hard to tell about the implications of visiting your parents; that would depend on how often you go to see them now, how big of a PITA it actually is to connect through to them, etc.

       My biggest advice there is to think about what your “third places” are in the new community. Those places where you regularly go outside of work and home are third places where community is made. When you visit your in-laws, when you’re out and about town are there places that you feel like could be “your” places? Coffeeshops, gyms, yoga studios, churches, etc? Or clubs/volunteer organizations that you could join and be a part of? Don’t move and expect automatic community based on your spouses connections – move with the clear intention of finding your personal third places and then make sure you really engage with them once you’re there.

       1. oh one more thing – we’re around the same age (late 30s) and I don’t have kids. Since you want them, I’m sending you the very best energy that TTC is successful.

          However in the meantime, I have just one more piece of advice for building community as a child free person is to not limit yourself to those in your peer group. So many people in their 30s are very much in the midst of raising kids – ranging from babies to teenagers and it’s all very intensive for them. I do not judge my friends at all that a great amount of their energy is spent on the kids – that’s obviously what they should be doing. yes I will go to birthday parties and some sport events to hang out with my friends as they are there for their kids, but that has limits. So here’s my secret for balancing out all the kid energy – make friends with older friends, late career or retired age. It’s so nice to have friends in that age range because they very much are out of the kid-rearing range. I have a bunch of friends I’ve made in this age range by joining my local Lions Club (Rotary would also be an option). They’re great to work with for events because they’re smart but have more spare time, and working together doing community events builds a lot of friendship. Highly recommend making friends with older people whose kids have flown the coop, in addition to the peer group friends who are focused on raising kids. My patience for my peer group friends is much much higher since I have a whole different set of friends that isn’t kid focused.

          1. +1

             Your friends don’t just have to be your same age and life stage. My rowing team members are 23-27 and a mix of married and unmarried. I’m 45 with 3 kids. My favorite thing about my team (other than the rowing) is that we never talk about kids.

   11. I’m also tech adjacent and I think you’re right to be thinking about the long haul. Fort Collins gives you access to Boulder and Denver/N Denver tech companies within the “would be ok 1-2 days a week range”; where Davis gives you “could take a meeting in SF” but I wouldn’t want to commute it just to be in office, even 1 day a week (although people do). If you did decide you needed a larger city, both Denver and Portland are more manageable housing markets than SF – either gives you more options to move without totally uprooting your life again.
       If outdoor activities are important to you, FC and Corvallis are great. IMO Colorado winter weather is way better than western Oregon [colder but sunny]

   12. While you can do your job from anywhere, your employer may have policies on whether employees can work remotely in states it does not already have operations in. I would double check if CA is on the table as a lot of employers avoid the CA headache if possible.

       1. OP here: Good point! Fortunately my company is cool with working anywhere in the U.S., including CA. I have multiple colleagues who live there.

   13. If you can work remote, can your spouse take a leave of absence from his current position and try it out for a year? You could sublet your current apartment and rent in your destination city. Is that an option?

       1. We’ve considered that, but spouse isn’t allowed to work for another district during a leave of absence.

   14. I have lived in California my whole life and love it here, but I would be surprised if the COL in Davis ended up noticeably less than where you are now. That said, I’d definitely make the move in your shoes.

   15. How does this impact your husband’s retirement benefits? I know teachers who took quite a hit moving in their 30s and restarting the retirement benefits clock.

       1. This is true. I don’t know many people who switch districts, because at some point, you take a major hit for doing so. The exception is people who are moving from teaching into administration because the higher salary made it worth it.

   16. My family has made a similar move, and we are about to make the reverse move. When my kids were little, we moved to be closer to DH’s family in a LCOL city in the south. We learned a lot from that experience, and are now moving to a HCOL city in the NE where we know no one (which was our prior situation, but a different city). Here are a few of our lessons learned:
       – if you like a 4 seasons climate and are moving away from a 4 seasons climate, you might find yourself missing it immensely like we did.
       – I also work full remote in a tech adjacent field, and found that in our new city, no one had any clue what I did for work. It has felt isolating, whereas in the NE, it was easier to find people in similarly situated work.
       – DH worked in a 100% in person role in nonprofit in the NE where his role and cause were respected. Almost identical job here, but its not a respected role or cause here.
       – We lost QOL without realizing it. We had visited DH’s family for 15 years before moving here, and the city always seemed lovely, but it actually only had enough to do for a weekend. We have found it monotonous when we were used to the amenities of being near a big city, or doing day trips. Natural disaster risk increased too, and that’s probably one of the things we look forward to most in the NE, is being in a place where there’s really boring, predictable 4 season weather. Do not underestimate how normalized natural disasters are in a place. Almost everyone in our current city are completely un-phased by natural disaster risk because it’s the only thing they know. I grew up in the NE and am completely rattled.
       – Losing airport access was a big deal to us. Not that we travel all the time, but when we did, it became a chore where we lost a full day to travel due to connecting flights or having to drive 3 hours to a hub.
       – We thought we were moving to the current city for a sense of community and social network. We discovered that my in-laws who retired when we moved down don’t want to help with the grandkids at all (they viewed child rearing and work as shackles and were ready to break free as retirees), and we actually have very little in common with aunts, uncles, cousins nearby. We ended up having to pay for quite a bit of babysitting. Though we know more people now in this city and on paper have a wider social network, I would say its a shallower network. Yes, we know what’s going on with a broader range of people and families, but don’t feel particularly connected to them. That was another shock of being here. I had always thought it would feel so cozy to have these social connections, but it’s actually more isolating because there is a lack of authentic connection. I would trade 50 acquaintances for 2 families we know well and enjoy being around.
       – It is true that cost of living is much cheaper where we are currently, maybe 30%. It’s very significant. I do think in the NE, the housing costs and childcare costs are exorbitant. And you’re not really “getting what you pay for” (better quality) in the NE. In some cases we have seen, it’s worse quality, but higher cost.

   17. Move to Davis! It’s a great town, a great community, and you will find your people.

   18. No f-ing way. 100% No. Good for your husband but what ‘s in it for you? Far from your family and they are not easily visited. Bad for your career too. This is literally a bad move for you. I am not saying you should stay where you are but there are other excellent options near good airports and affordable housing where you could be more secure in your career.

       1. With that kind of pay cut it’s not even good for him.

          1. It’s a pretty trivial pay cut for a lower cost of living. We took a much larger pay cut for a move to a LCOL area and are much wealthier here. Our area is cheaper than Davis but I can’t believe that Davis isn’t at least 8% cheaper than Boston or NYC.

3. What are your favorite office grazing snacks or snack lunches?

   1. I’m not a grazer (we’re public/customer facing–it’s noticed if you’re always eating) but will do a yogurt either 30 minutes before or after my packed lunch.

   2. Carrot sticks, apple slices, any type of seasoned nuts or fruit from TJs, and the darned chocolates that my boss keeps in a candy bowl (hence why I bring healthy stuff to try to avoid the chocolates).

   3. Some combo of apples, peanut butter, celery, cottage cheese, nuts, carrots, hummus, cheese sticks, cherry tomatoes, oranges, crackers. Basically a DIY lunchable.

      1. At one of my first jobs out of school I was eating an apple at my desk (something 22 y/o me thought was totally normal) and a new hire literally starts screeching that I’m ‘trying to poison’ her and sprinted out of the office, like fully left the building. I guess she was allergic to apples and hadn’t thought to tell anyone. She was fired shortly after for other antics but I will never forget.

         1. That’s wild. How in the world could you eating an apple hurt her, even if she was very allergic?

            1. I guess she thought that like there were aerosolized apple particles? IDK but it made me forever afraid of eating at my desk least I sit next to someone unhinged.

         2. Did she think she was Snow White??

            Seems like if she actually had such an unusual allergy, she should have said something to those in her vicinity. And would have called it an allergy, not accused you of poisoning her.

   4. Honestly, nothing. I’ve found that grazing in the office (which is a place that invites boredom and annoyance) is a recipe for ignoring hunger cues. If I really need a snack, something like a string cheese or a yogurt is typically it, but I don’t plan ahead to graze. Would bigger, meal-like lunches work for you?

      1. I was struggling not to say this (for all the “this isn’t what the OP asked for” comments) but tend to agree. I hate the whole concept of grazing. Eat your meals and move on with your day!

         1. Exactly. I hate having eating take up so much of the day – I want to have a meal and be done with it so I’m free for other things.

   5. You can tell I shop at Costco: roasted almonds or hazelnuts (not too salty), single serve packets of olives, pre-peeled single serve packet hard boiled eggs, string cheese.

   6. Following with interest! I’m pregnant and have had to start carrying snacks. My lactation consultant also told me to keep snacks on hand in the bedroom etc. so I’m exploring a whole new world of snacks!
      – prepackaged trail mix. When I DIY my own, I always forget to write the date or it wears off in my bag, so prepackaged is great because it’ll have an expiration date.
      – Lara bars. I’m supposed to eat a lot of dates per day so these are especially good for me rn. They seem to survive at the bottom of my work bag ok.
      – Welsh’s fruit snacks.
      – mini bags of beef jerky
      – mini cliff bars. A full cliff bar is unappetizing to me but the half size bars are much better.
      – not a snack but electrolyte packets to add to my water.

   7. I guess my preferred lunches were always “snack lunches”. All simple finger foods that I throw into a tupperware. This is because I don’t have lunch break, so I have to grab food as I have a few minutes here or there, usually while I am typing notes on my computer. I guess that is grazing!

      Good cheese, hard boiled egg (salted), several kinds of nuts, a few crackers, cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, blueberries/strawberries/any berry, dried mango, edemame, a chunk of baked marinated tofu etc.. I try to have as much real food as possible, rather than processed protein bars.

4. Also could use help for 24 hours in Pittsburg. I’ve used AI for the major stuff, but if anyone has some great restaurant recommendations, all types of food welcome, I’d be grateful. We’d like to do perogies and everything else that’s delicious.

   1. Sydney is an early-30s blogger based in Pittsburgh and frequently shares food recs.
      https://summerwind41490.blogspot.com/

      1. AI probably already scraped this blog for OP.

         1. even if it did, I find recommendations with full context (like who’s recommending it, what other things they like, etc) much more helpful than an AI aggregated summary.

            1. Indeed. I feel for bloggers who put that effort in and who get their write-ups copied without attribution.

            2. I don’t understand how it isn’t copyright infringement! I’m a bl*gger and AI has copied entire paragraphs verbatim. (Also I don’t really understand how this is “intelligence” … it’s literally just copy and paste. It seems like if it’s actually intelligent it should be synthesizing the info and presenting it in a new or different way? But what do I know.)

   2. Pittsburgh has really good Thai food, I’d recommend Nickys Thai for more casual or Pusadee’s Garden if you want to be fancy. Other good food is Driftwood Oven, Bar Marco and Dish Osteria. If you’re into breweries, Eleventh Hour is really good and Lorelei is a fun place for a casual drink.

      If the weather is nice you should check out the Phipps Botanical Gardens

      1. +1 to Pusadee’s Garden and the Phipps Botanical Gardens.

         If you want something touristy, Primanti Brothers sandwiches – I don’t like these, but this is the signature fries-on-sandwich. The Incline is also a good tourist activity.

   3. This seems like such a stupid use of AI. Which wouldn’t bother me if it didn’t waste so much energy.

      Just do a simple google search. What are you expecting to get from AI that a google search wouldn’t provide. Plus, then all the info isn’t years out of date.

      1. Maybe? But who cares. It’s probably less wasteful than the above poster’s single serving of olives for her snack.

         1. If only!

   4. There is a counter-service polish food place near the Pittsburgh Airport and RMU called Forgotten Taste Pierogies and I’m fully serious when I say they’re incredible. Best pierogi I’ve had (and I’ve had a lot of pierogi).

5. Not gonna lie, I’m slightly disappointed that the China tariffs dropped. I was hoping this would help stem the tide of fast fashion and overconsumption, or at least make my MAGA MIL stop compulsively buying cheap junk at Kohl’s every day.

   1. Apparently it’s a big thing now for those kinds of mother-in-laws to buy cheap baby crap from Temu even though it’s sky-high in heavy metals contamination.

      1. We call them her “donations to our garbage man”.

      2. Yes! There are places I won’t touch for clothes because it’s coated in poisons. Though I feel that way about baby clothes w fire retardant on them too.

   2. I think higher prices might make people buy less stuff, but tariffs will also contribute to the decline in quality that’s been going on even outside of “fast fashion.”

   3. It was definitely weird hearing the side of the political spectrum that typically worries about climate change and wasteful use of resources threatening people with not having enough Temu crap to buy recreationally.

      But since USA doesn’t have native production or alternative sourcing for vast amounts of what hospitals use to treat sick people and keep US citizens alive, the cost of bumming out your MIL would have been a lot of ecofascist eugenics.

      1. All the articles that I read on whether fewer imports or a recession would benefit the climate, concluded that short term reduced consumption is one thing, but a) it comes with a big side of suffering and b) if it’s forced (as opposed to intentional) it will just get reversed sooner or later, possibly ratcheting up further to make up for a period of austerity.

   4. I’m a rock ribbed conservative who loathes the fast fashion slash overconsumption trend.

   5. Whereas I like being able to buy my life sustaining medical supplies with some level of affordability!

      The ignorance in this comment is shocking.

      1. Yeah, you’re taking it too personally. Fast fashion is still a huge problem even if people need medical supplies.

         1. Hahahahahhaha

            May you get hives from your thrift store wool and be unable to treat them due to a shortage of medical supplies.

            1. Anon at 9:35 and 9:40, take a big chill pill (they’re affordable!) and get some fresh air.

            2. I can tell that 9:41 hasn’t already gone without needed medical treatment from supply change issues.

            3. Zyrtec is neither expensive nor in short supply. HTH!

         2. No, you’re buying into a weird RW narrative that imports are needless luxuries (e.g. more dolls than little girls need).

            There’s no bad thing that will happen that will hurt anybody’s MAGA MIL more than it will hurt someone more vulnerable. The leopards are coming for the faces of the poor, the sick, the disabled long before they get around to OP’s MIL.

      2. Yikes

      3. Yes, China is the only country that produces medical supplies.

         1. It is not a good thing that the USA relies on China to the extent that it does, but it is factual.

   6. God forbid you just throw the crap out

      1. Contributing to landfill waste and contamination. God forbid people stop buying it to begin with!

         1. Seriously! Why are people so opposed to doing the right thing? You aren’t entitled to instant gratification of cheap goods at the expense of inhumane labor practices and polluting the planet.

            1. I’m convinced half the readers here have oppositional defiance disorder.

            2. I’m quite inclined to agree. It seems like they just want to be sh!tty for the sake of it like a dysregulated toddler.

            3. I’d enthusiastically support regulation on this issue. Ban planned obsolescence! Make the companies that sell stuff on the hook to pay for it to be repaired, recycled, or dumped in a landfill. It’s a scandal that manufacturers and retailers are currently to profit off selling garbage and then sticking taxpayers with the costs of dealing with the garbage they sell.

               But wtf does this have to do with tariffs?

            4. The argument around tariffs is that they’ll keep this crap out of the US market – if a product is made in the US you can legislate and regulate safety standards more effectively, go inspect the factories and enforce them, etc. I despise the current administration but I’m not going to get on the “cheap junk from Temu is essential to the American way of life” train.

            5. Tariffs aren’t going to force manufacturing back onshore. That ship has sailed. We’ll just get even worse imported goods for higher prices.

            6. How about we legislate and regulate safety standards then? Do it now. Hold Amazon, Temu, Shein, etc. accountable for counterfeits and unsafe products.

               If we’re okay with unsafe products being sold here, I’m very skeptical that we’ll have a problem with unsafe US made products being sold here. And the same people pushing tariffs are pushing deregulation domestically anyway.

            7. Trump is shutting down all of our regulations overseeing this stuff.

   7. I too was hoping for the death of shein and temu

      1. Wouldn’t tariffs actually benefit the super-cheapie junk retailers as people substitute towards lower-cost goods?

   8. I’m convinced this is all just intentional market manipulation designed to make a quick couple of billion on non-prosecutable insider trading.
      And every single ‘what are you buying now before the tariffs hit’ was just a fun bonus for corporations from gullible masses.

      1. Yes, this. I do think everyone should have enough supplies to get through several months of a shortage of any critical needs. Like the posters above complaining about medical supplies — you didn’t already have a stash of them? Seriously? Then they aren’t that necessary for you. (I get that you might not be able to build up a stash of controlled medicines, but supplies and OTC meds are different).

         1. I’m pretty sure that most meds that are necessary for people to live are prescription, not OTC. I’m not going to die whout Tylenol. And I do have a stash, but try to remember that not every insurer lets you refill early. And stashes run out! Sometimes before meds become available again! I honestly do not have enough to last me months and do not know people who do.

            And who keeps a stash of the kind of plastic “junk” the hospital uses in-patient?

            1. My comment literally says that it was responding to the post about “medical supplies” and makes a distinction from prescription meds.

               Prescription drugs were not a target of the tariffs.

            2. FWIW, I assumed the “supplies” were things like diabetic test strips, which you absolutely can stockpile (within reason).

            3. It hasn’t been clear that prescription drugs will be spared (lots of headlines on plans to include them!). But there are medical supplies involved in getting prescription drugs into our bodies. There are medical supplies involved in getting emergency care. None of us wants to relieve the shortages of the early pandemic.

               I get that you assumed this was stuff we could go buy at the store or find in our first aide kit, but that’s a healthy person perspective.

            4. relive*

            5. I am a diabetic. That’s why I assumed it was similar to the strips. I have enough strips and lancets to get me through 6 months at all times. I’m not currently on insulin, but I’d have six months of the supplies necessary to manage it if I were. That is just basic adult responsibility, and those of us with disabilities also need to have a higher degree of responsibility.

            6. Okay, if I were diabetic I would stock up on those things too. I do stock up on comparable supplies (and this turned out to be important because people who didn’t were out of luck!). But I guess I’m informing you that not everything works this way? It’s not a failure of adult responsibility not to have a make shift hospital in the hallway closet. The supply chain shortages we saw in the past affected things that you can’t DIY at home or that would have required a prescription that few doctors will give you on a precautionary basis. Hospital care was affected. In-home care was affected. In some cases even the quality of the supplies was affected and there were recalls. It’s just not a situation that anyone should be TRYING to create because it’s worth it to bum out the retail addicts.

            7. The original comment said “my life sustaining medical supplies with some level of affordability.”

               If the medical supplies are actually life sustaining and are available direct to the consumer (because even Tylenol is unaffordable if it’s given at the hospital!), you should have a supply of them on hand already. It is irresponsible not to. That’s what I’m saying. You’re coming up with hypotheticals that are outside the ambit of the original comment.

            8. The supply is always going to run out whether it’s in two months or six months. When is the effect of the tariffs going to resolve? Because they are not seriously investing in US production, as good an idea as that may be.

            9. Medical supplies can include a lot of things. Urinary catheters, feeding tube supplies, home nursing kit, basic ER supplies. It’s not just diabetes test strips. Some of you are showing your absolute health privilege.

         2. No I don’t have a stash of my meds. They cost thousands a month.

            1. Read the last sentence of the comment.

            2. I did. You downplayed a very real experience and think a caveat sentence suffices. It doesn’t.

            3. Idk if you knew this, but not every comment is about you. Especially not the comments that specifically say they are not about you.

      2. I’ll also be shocked if it doesnt come out in the future that Tesla’s stock is being used by (non US) state actors to launder funds. It’s all so sketchy.

      3. Yep. It’s infuriating.

   9. It’s just such a generational thing i think. My mom is awesome and by no means the worst, and staunchly anti maga at this but she’ll never resist the siren song of buying the family crap from tj maxx. To people who grew up with very little I guess it doesn’t really look like junk. My dad grew up well off and he’s less like this.

      1. Yep. My mother is appalled at the idea of buying a $100 shirt but will buy six $20 shirts. Or even better, 10 $10 shirts!

         I once counted and my son had 33 size 2T t-shirts. And yet grandmas continue to buy them clothes. Luckily (I think?) my mother has turned to getting bags of things at the children’s thrift store instead of new all the time, though

         1. Yes, this is much much better. Particularly if instead of throwing away what you don’t use, you re-donate or give away. Thrift shops basically create jobs/economy with much less resource consumption and waste.

            1. Yes, there are some things she’s gotten at the thrift shop (it’s attached to her church, so a whole bag of stuff for like $5) that have gone through all three of my boys and then I’ve sent off to my nephew….so that is at LEAST five kids. Most things don’t make it that far, but a surprising number do! So while she is giving us a large volume of clothes on the regular, I do feel better about the environmental impact

      2. Agreed. Certainly, there are exceptions to every rule, but it seems like Boomers are starry-eyed over cheap crap and my generation (Xennial) is over it.

         1. As a boomer, I take offense! I am a thrift store shopper, and speicalize in cashmere and merino wool sweaters and coats, and excel at re-habbing and gifting them. So sustainable, so much great stuff in thrift stores.

            1. Don’t take offense, but you must know that you’re an exception that proves the rule, or it would be much harder to find those items in thrift stores!

         2. Get over yourself.

   10. That’s such a privileged POV. Try being poor and relying on Kohl’s to get by. It’s not where I am today thankfully. But fast fashion is sometimes the best folks can do. And, no, thrifting isn’t a reliable way to access certain goods without investing a ton of time.

       1. Ok buying unnecessary things daily at Kohl’s is a very far cry from being poor and only being able to afford necessities from Kohl’s. Surely you see that, right?

          1. +1 plus the absence of a cheap option at Kohl’s will incentivize other methods such as (1) using what one already has (2) thrifting (3) looking for secondhand bargains elsewhere e.g. FB marketplace (4) taking advantage of local networks to swap (5) diverting other spending toward higher cost pieces (6) borrowing

             1. I can see where Oops might seem wildly out of touch with the options really available for people who can’t spend much, so I won’t defend the comments (they might be right, but it doesn’t really matter to the person struggling to afford basics.) That said, the answer can’t be an abundance of cheap garbage.

             2. Because borrowing is a great thing for people living on the edge financially…

             3. Oops – you’re assuming that poor people aren’t already doing things like thrifting, using their networks, borrowing, etc AND you’re disregarding the amount of time all that takes. Sometimes your kids (or you!) need new pants and your shift ends at 8pm and Walmart is the only option.

       2. This is a site of privileged women. We are preaching the those with the means to do better

          1. Can we also talk about how fast fashion seems to be moving upwards? We all know that the quality of mall brands has tanked over the last 10-15 years, and it seems to be fast fashion for adults.

             I wonder if getting rid of Temu and Shein would help to push all fashion towards better quality and longer lasting clothing.

             1. it isn’t just the existence of temu and shein — there was a major treaty that expired about 20 years ago and was never renewed. i can’t find a good article on this for you but i feel like amanda mull and anne helen petersen have both written about this — i think the treaty was this one:

                https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agreement_on_Textiles_and_Clothing

             2. Thanks for this meaningful contribution to a thread getting bogged down in culture wars. It sounds like a similar treaty could be a better approach to what some people would like to see change.

   11. I just want my Asian sunscreens from YesStyle! Not everyone who buys imported items is buying disposable clothing!

6. has anyone gone on a semaglutide or other weight loss medication, and then gone off of it without regaining all of the weight?

   1. Me. I was on semaglutide and I lost about 30 pounds to achieve slightly below my goal weight. I’ve now been off it for a year and while I’ve gained back about 5 pounds, I’m now at my actual goal weight. I actively worked to change my habits at the same time as the medication to try and avoid the rebound weight.

      1. How long were you on it? Not the OP, but also interested to hear about this.

         1. I was on it for about a year. I’ve historically been a yoyo dieter, with a history of disordered eating during the diet phases that bordered on obsessive. I wanted to be very intentional about what I did, and do this in a sustainable and healthy way as much as possible under the care and supervision of my doctor. With the food noise gone, I was able to get to a healthier place (as recommended by my doctor) in a way that didn’t have me focusing on the “game” of how big I could make my calorie deficit. At the same time I started this, I engaged a personal trainer to make sure I would building muscle mass and focused heavily on making sure the food I was eating was providing max nutrients. I guess what I want to emphasize is that it’s not as easy as getting a shot once and a week and the weight magically fell off. It was that shot, combined with the other life changes, that I think allowed me to succeed.

            I was one of the lucky ones where I didn’t have a ton of side effects. I do still have the option, now that I’m at my goal weight, to go back on a maintenance dose if I need it. But so far that hasn’t been my experience. Maybe I’m an outlier, but it was honestly one of the best decisions I’ve made.

            1. Thank you for sharing this. It is really helpful, and sounds ideal.

   2. not what you asked for because i haven’t been off it long, but i thought i’d share my story – i went off semaglutide after some adverse side effects and it was a full 6 weeks before the hunger came roaring back. then i started tirzepatide. but my takeaway from that brief period was a) you have a long time before the hunger comes back and can absolutely do a slow wean or a much cheaper maintenance with smaller/less frequent injections, b) the hunger was all in my head — i would eat a full meal and then be starving for a full second meal with zero satiety. if you’re into strength training i was thinking that weaning time would be good for a “bulk” where you purposely eat more calories to help build muscle.

7. When married, my husband and I had combined finances and used his financial advisor. We’re divorced and I’m still using the same financial advisor, but I’d like to find someone else from a trust level (he went along with my ex’s plans to cut me out of financial decision-making despite my requests to be included). How do you go about firing/hiring a financial advisor? I feel completely ignorant to finances and would like to educate myself, but I don’t know how to get started and I don’t have a ton of time to dedicate to this, especially when work gets busy (unpredictable). He’s with the place I do all of my banking (Truist), and I don’t know whether to stay with them or split up banking/investing. TIA!

   1. Banks are terrible for investments. Break up with the bank and try at advisor this year.
      Steps:
      1. Ask Truist for a new advisor this week, not reporting to the current guy.
      2. This week, instead of scrolling news/socials, Read bogleheads.org and the wiki there whenever you have time. Learn learn learn.
      3. Post your situation there (anonymously) following the format and you will get great advice.
      If you want to leave a checking account at Truist that’s fine. Move everything else this year.
      You can do this!!

      1. Thank you! Great advice and will implement now. When posting about my situation anonymously, what info is helpful? I assume annual take home and spend rate, but any other data points? I know I have X “invested” but don’t have a ton of insight on how (I could get this info, I just don’t know what it means right now).

         1. Here are the detailed instructions. Just start chipping away at gathering the data points, getting your logins refreshed, etc. the checklist/organization will help you learn and feel in control as much as the advice itself! https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?p=76191#p76191

         2. I also recommend going to Bogleheads, and posting your situation, and learning from their philosophy.

            I did this, and it was super helpful. And then I made most of the recommended changes slowly over the next year.

            There is a specific sub-forum where people do exactly what you want to do.
            They give you a template of how to organize describing your current income, expenses, debts, and then you outline how your money is currently allocated. Then folks will pipe in and advise you how to clean things up, simplify, and get away from this financial advisor who is likely taking significant cuts in your profits with higher fees. Most of us have our investments at either Fidelity or Vanguard now and there is a huge variation in what folks use as a bank, if you even need a bank.

            You can do this. Good for you for thinking about it.

   2. This is the perfect use case for your workplace EAP. They can offer suggestions for new financial advisors in your area and help you understand any differences in cost and services.

   3. Do you have trusted friends who use a financial advisor that they’d recommend? Outsource your research. Talk to the new person, tell them you want to switch to them if you like them, and they can advise you on the steps to transfer from your old advisor to them.

   4. The easiest way to learn about finances is in short bursts of easily consumable information. Check some books out of the library, read some blogs (Afford Anything, Clever Girl Finance), listern to some podcasts (Stacking Benjamins, Afford Anything, Planet Money). Read the bogel heads forum. You’ll absorb a lot of information just by hearing it or reading it, and those are all easy to skip when work gets in the way.

      Ask around for financial advisors. My first I found through a friend at work, my second I found through my sister. The nice thing is you don’t have to be local to your FA anymore, you can Facetime or email or even text.

   5. My work 401(k) comes with free access to a financial advisor through the 401(k) broker. The advice they give is not super in-depth but if you are overwhelmed with where to start or just want a basic financial health checkup, it’s nice. Does your workplace have something similar?

   6. I would avoid most financial advisors. They are just taking a cut of your money that “seems” low when you hear the %, but over time the loss becomes increasingly significant. If you need a financial planner, they should state they are fiduciaries (but this is a vague term and many/most don’t follow this….), and FEE ONLY. Not someone that tries to talk you into buying into an investment vehicle that pays the advisor a % or has high fees to enter, or is so complicated that it is impossible to sell/get out without a big tax hit.

8. just an update/ PSA: for those on the site who have been struggling with clothes, sizes, looking for pants…. I finally broke down and paid more than old navy or loft and got 2 pairs of spanx pants and… they’re pretty good. Definitely feel better about how i look than i have in a long time and a work colleague just said “you look great” and i think it’ s the pants bc everything else i am wearing is the same stuff i always wear. They are not summer weight by any stretch but if you work in heavy A/C and commute by car they should be OK.

   1. I have a coworker that swears by these. I really need to try them.

   2. LOVE these pants. I bought direct from the retail site for my first pair to find my size and a cut I liked. After that, poshmark all the way. I now have accumulated about 4 pairs that I rotate for work.

   3. Same. After buying (and either donating or returning) multiple pairs of less expensive pants, I finally bit the proverbial bullet and shelled out for Spanx. Much, much better and probably more cost effective in the long run.

      Has anyone tried their twill? They are (as OP noted) not summer weight and I would like an option as the weather gets hotter and more humid.

   4. How do they run? In SML sizing, a former Spanx medium was snug on my hips, but I am frequently a curvy cut when that’s on offer. Just worried that I’d swim in a large (usually am an 8 or sometimes 10, depending on cut) for bottoms.

9. Has anyone tried the Lululemon Smooth Fit Pull-On High Rise pants and can comment on how appropriate they are for a business causal office? They are described as “office-ready” but I’m concerned they will be too tight on the booty. Almost every size is out of stock at my local store, so I can’t try them on, unfortunately.

10. I had a kid almost five years ago, but my PT says I stick my stomach out like I’m still pregnant. I need to tuck my hips in to tighten my core, but it’s hard to remember to do that. Any tips?

    1. Post-its at work and at home. As you develop your core it will happen more organically.

    2. I had the most success with these at home videos: https://www.connectpelvicfloorfitness.com/ . I’ve done a bunch of pelvic floor pt and lots of different video series, but these include all the important but boring breathing and mobility exercises along with the other necessary strength training you’re supposed to do to correct an anterior pelvic tilt. Highly recommend trying something like this for a few months.

    3. I’ve been told this is a combination of lingering diastasis and anterior pelvic tilt, both of which are very common in women after having children.

       I recently started the Every Mother program, which targets diastasis as well as some lingering incontinence. It should also help with the anterior pelvic tilt, since APT is partly caused by weak transverse abdominal muscles and a weak pelvic floor. If the issue persists after completing the program, I know there are additional options I can explore. For now, I’m sticking with Every Mother.

    4. Longer comment in mod but I wanted to add that I added in Every Mother because I saw improvement with strength training alone but have hit a point where it is now holding me back strength wise.

       I started the Every Mother program and it’s amazing how even out of sync my breathing was.

    5. Restore Your Core with Laura Ohayon.

    6. I also find that whenever I am standing I try to hold my hands behind my back with one hand encircling the wrist of the other. I stand up taller, shoulders back, chest out, belly in. Everything just seems to fall into alignment easier.

11. What are your tips for untangling chains? I have a necklace that has two knots and a bracelet with two strands that appear to be in a knot but I can’t quite tell. Is there a trick that I’m missing, or just sit down with a podcast and work on it?

    1. I’d take it to a jeweler if it’s just impossibly tangled.

    2. Interested in a trick, but I’m not hopeful. It once took me about two years to untangle something obnoxious. Usually it just takes messing with it for 40 minutes or so.

    3. Sit down and work on it. Flat surface, get some sharp little tool to help, I’ve used safety pins and paper clips.

       1. +1 – patience, good light, flat surface and tweezers

    4. Sometimes it just takes time, but the two things that help me are
       – pay attention to where the weight of the rest of the chain is lying/make sure it’s not pulling the knot tighter
       – gently rub the knot between my finger tips – just trying to get stuff to move to a slightly different position and loosen it up a little, sometimes can shake it up just enough to see what to do next

    5. If it’s silver, you can use a polishing cloth to gently roll it to loosen up the knot, similar to how you would roll it between your fingers. If you don’t have a silver polishing cloth, the big ones from Tiffany’s are fantastic, last a good while and are very much not Tiffany priced.

    6. A few drops of baby oil (olive oil or other cooking oil would probably work too), then gently massage the knot.

    7. Lay the chain on a hard surface and Gently tap at the knot with a pen (keep the lid on)or similar. Have patience and work to untangle as you go — It should gradually loosen up.

       1. Source: I used to work at a fashion jewelry store

       2. i haven’t heard that one, thank you!

          1. Yes the motion/vibration of the repetitive tapping really works to loosen it up eventually

          2. Yes the motion/vibration of the repetitive tapping really works to loosen it up eventually

    8. I can’t really help, but this is reminding me that my late father’s super power was untangling knotted chains!

    9. I love untangling things and would volunteer to do this for you in a heartbeat.

       Maybe not a trick but helpful to keep from making it worse: if the knot formed while the necklace was clasped, don’t unclasp it in an attempt to unknot it (keeping it clasped prevents actual knots from forming if you were to draw individual ends through what was just a loop tightened over itself).

    10. I give them to my kids, whose manual dexterity is lots better than mine and who have much smaller fingers and more time. I am willing to pay for this!

    11. Do you know any avid knitters? We are good at this stuff. I untangle everyone’s necklaces. It takes patience and good lighting.

12. Has anyone ordered Vessi sneakers? reviews?

    1. True to size, can confirm that they are waterproof. Would be warm in the summer because of the waterproofing, not breathable. A great fall/winter shoe for places that just get rain, no snow.

13. I think I know the answer but: are we ever wearing (particularly to the office) shirts with visible stains? Or does that just mean trash/donate?

    1. Trash. Girl, come on.

    2. girl what? Of course not. Either treat it in the laundry (highly rec Carbona Stain Devils for this) or trash. Don’t donate soiled clothing.

    3. Trash (or sometimes cotton is recyclable). I find this hard to do myself so solidarity, but Every. Time. I think “oh, it’s not that visible”, I eventually take a look in better lighting and, it’s visible.

       1. Lol, exactly. Darnit.

    4. Piper, no!

       1. A+ comment. You win the internet today.

    5. Straight to the garbage. Most work-appropriate tops aren’t the right fabric for rags and I find there’s always an old shirt on its last legs I can use for messy hobbies.

    6. I find laundry stripping gets out most stains. If that fails I will try and find a repair method (embroidery, adding a patch pocket, etc) and if repair isn’t possible then it gets downgraded to gardening/painting clothes if comfortable or recycled.

    7. Don’t donate it. If it’s visibly stained, it’s trash.

    8. For a hot minute, I was influenced into dressing cuter for WFH. This included cute printed tops from the Loft or little cotton dresses. After I stained a few of the nicer fits, I went back to my tried and true cotton capris from Walmart and Universal Tees from Target. They are stained and I wear them all day, every day while keeping my other clothes in good condition.

    9. Visible styled in an outfit? No, I think if you can’t clean or hide the stain it is time to demote/trash the garment.

       I do admit I have a few blouses with spots in inconspicuous locations (marker on the forearm, bleached spot on the back) that I like well enough to only wear under a blazer or cardigan. However, I don’t wear those blouses if I might be taking the blazer off, and usually only do this until I find a replacement for the blouse.

    10. It means wear for bed/gardening (the outside in a garden kind)/slobbing at home day. Don’t donate, that just means some poor charity employee or volunteer is wasting their time having to make the decision to trash it.

    11. H&M accepts textiles for recycling.

    12. I once rescued a favorite, irreplaceable black cotton dress that had an oil stain on the front. As a last resort, I bought a package of black RIT dye and followed the instructions. It worked perfectly and actually refreshed the dress’s color so it looked new again.

    13. Wear for messy home tasks, visible mending (a patch or embroidery over the stained area), reuse the rest of it somehow, or then trash. Rolling my eyes at everyone who says trash immediately.

        But no, don’t wear to work. I think visible stains stop being acceptable after about 3rd grade.

    14. I’ve volunteered at several clothing charities and stained clothes are always discarded there too. It’s meant for the trash.

14. Did anyone read the Emily May opinion piece in the NYT last week about her child with severe autism and how their voices aren’t being heard in the overall discussion? I found it moving. Small excerpt:

    Many advocacy groups focus so much on acceptance, inclusion and celebrating neurodiversity that it can feel as if they are avoiding uncomfortable truths about children like mine. Parents are encouraged not to use words like “severe,” “profound” or even “Level 3” to describe our child’s autism; we’re told those terms are stigmatizing and we should instead speak of “high support needs.” A Harvard-affiliated research center halted a panel on autism awareness in 2022 after students claimed that the panel’s language about treating autism was “toxic.” A student petition circulated on Change.org said that autism “is not an illness or disease and, most importantly, it is not inherently negative.”… It feels incredibly condescending to be told by people whose experience with autism still allowed them to be students at Harvard that our children, who cannot communicate if they have a stomachache and might instead bang their head in distress, are not having a negative experience.

    1. I didn’t but thanks for sharing it. I’d love to read it.

       Overall, I feel like this is where our PC culture is doing us a disservice.

       It feels like the loudest voices in the conversation are often people who were recently diagnosed or self-identified and are now championing the cause based on their own experiences. But in doing so, they overshadow those who are living with the most significant challenges and actually often do harm to them by drowning out their voices.

       1. I remember the big shift in the conversation happening back in the late 90s, early 2000s when some very severely affected people got online where they could communicate in text. (Some people who don’t have the motor skills to speak can still be accommodated enough to allow for communication via text.) This is also when first person experiences of ABA started to reach a broader audience.

          The recent wave of self-diagnosed people on social media is a different thing, but I don’t think we should let it drown out the voices of people who lived with this diagnosis and very severe limitations their whole lives.

       2. Here’s a gift link to Emily May’s piece.
          https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/25/opinion/autism-rfk-parent-child.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Gk8.b9X8.trcGxSGV6k5Y&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

    2. I think that there is a big negative to removing the term Aspergers. I understand that it is a spectrum, but it does feel like being able to go to Harvard w/ some accommodations vs the stomachache/head banging situation are almost different conditions, and definitely need to be approached differently. Even if we want to change the term Aspergers to something else it seems helpful to have a different label.

       1. I agree. They don’t share many of the same traits, signs, or symptoms. Why do we insist they’re two sides of the same coin?

          1. fun fact: autism is defined differently by many cultures; there is no agreement on what symptoms are definitely autism.

             the original thinking in getting rid of asperger’s was because some high functioning people are not high IQ as well, and some high IQ little professor types have such problems with sensory overload, anxiety, and more that they may seem or be more disabled in certain circumstances.

             i have one girlfriend (she and her husband are both in the medical field) whose average-IQ kid is autistic and she insists on saying “asperger’s.” i understand why she does it but it annoys the shit out of me. it’s one thing if when they were diagnosed that’s what it was called, but asperger’s was already long gone by the time her kid got his dx. (my kid is autistic, higher IQ depending on the test but lower functioning.)

             1. I still think there is a significant difference between “disabled in certain circumstances” but otherwise a little professor and pretty much disabled in all circumstances. Different amount of care needed. Maybe not something you can tell in a child but could by adulthood

             2. One reason that Asperger’s was dropped as a diagnosis is that Hans Asperger identified the “syndrome” in Austria in the 1930’s. He referred children to a clinic in Vienna for children who had disabilities, and were “unworthy of life,” a Nazi term. These children were “euthanized.” Asperger stated before his death that he was unaware that this was happening. And while there is an autism spectrum, there is still a need to differentiate between high functioning neuro-divergent people and others who are unable to speak, relate to the world, etc.

          2. Remember that conversation here where the woman who had stage 1 cancer that was going to be resolved with relatively little treatment didn’t like people saying “at least it’s treatable” because “it’s still cancer?” Like was so insulted that people dared to point that out?

             Some people are just narcissistic.

             1. I remember that convo. That’s how my mom died, she had the exact same “stage 1 treatable cancer” diagnosis that the commenter was venting about. Maybe you should consider that you don’t know everything. It doesn’t hurt to extend a little compassion to people going through a tough time.

             2. I think when it comes to autism, the person at Harvard has a benign cyst and is saying it’s cancer but it’s not harmful, while the non-verbal, self-harming person at home has stage 3 lung cancer.

             3. People are inferring so much from Harvard attendance. A lot of advocatesput a good face on things, but if you seriously think that ASD college students are generally doing great and have bright prospects and don’t self harm, I don’t know what to tell you.

             4. But maybe you also don’t know everything about their situation? I have a cousin who is high functioning and graduated from a good college. He spectacularly melted down after graduation, lost his job, and it’s looking like he will pretty much never be able to support himself. He’s now been arrested multiple times for assaulting his parents. It seemed like things were going to go well for him but not anymore.

             5. Yeah, I end up in extreme burn out about every 18 months. I can usually tell it’s coming but my body shuts down and I become non verbal and I need to take about a month off of work. Most people think I’m ‘high functioning’ but I’m really not I’m usually holding on by a thread

             6. I have a very similar cousin, 2:11. She’s brilliant and did fine in K-12, attended a very selective college and graduated with a 4.0 but has absolutely floundered post-graduation. No arrests yet but she’s mid-30s and she’s never lived alone or earned a steady income and probably never will. Harvard and other colleges have a *ton* of support for neurodivergent kids that the real world does not.

       2. I agree. Some of these conversations have been very enlightening. I do think the children with profound cases are basically ignored. Inclusion and celebration only go so far.

          1. I feel like it’s almost a reversal from how it was talked about in the 90s. Growing up, the autism label had a connotation of “will never be able to function independently in society”. Perhaps then many folks with milder forms felt ignored, and now the public conversation is overcorrecting. I could totally see how one broad category isn’t helpful for this.

             1. I have an adult cousin in his 40s who has “will never be able to function independently in society” autism.

                Autism isn’t one thing that is the same for all people. He is not a secret genius/savant and he cannot live alone. He can only hold down a part-time job like being a guy who puts things in boxes or sweeps the floor.

                He will constantly be taken advantage of by people who want what little he has. The world is not built for people like him, sadly. And it’s very distressing and sad for his now elderly parents.

       3. I don’t know what term would be the best one to use, but I agree with you. My relative with autism has the kind of impairments that make it unlikely she’ll ever live independently or engage in more than basic communication. That’s really different than going to an elite school with accommodations.

          1. The accommodations at elite schools are something else though; a lot of those students are not going to live independently after graduation either unless they manage to find a very similar situation.

             Some neuropsychologists at least used to take an either/or approach to diagnosing ASD and LD that was not helpful to anyone.

             1. Why is it so hard for people to admit that if you’re admitted to Harvard, no matter what help you need there, you’re in a very, very different boat from a non-verbal teen who needs to be helmeted for his own safety? It has to be OK to acknowledge that those two conditions are incredibly different.

             2. Acknowledge it with appropriate diagnosis. If there’s ID, diagnose it. If there’s LD, diagnose it. What’s the obstacle to communicating with words? Identify it, accommodate, or diagnose it.

             3. What 1:11?

             4. Anon at 1:06, it’s about being purposefully obtuse. It’s not that deep.

             5. A lot of people think that autistic people with a learning disability, an intellectual disability, a neurological disorder, a TBI, etc. are “more autistic” than other autistic people, because they’re attributing the effects of another disability to autism. This is especially common when medical teams neglected to diagnose everything an autistic patient had going on (and this is very common because it’s so easy to blame every symptom and sign on ASD). Add in some undiagnosed medical comorbidities with neuropsychiatric symptoms, and some children are suffering from autism and from medical neglect both. This is not on their parents who sought help for them at every turn.

    3. There are always so many misunderstandings surrounding this topic. I don’t know why she thinks the Harvard students never banged their head because of a stomachache they couldn’t communicate about. Plenty of them did! They still have a perspective on whether the way they think and experience the world is inherently negative or not.

       My understanding of the current medical model of autism is that the science supports it, so I disagree with the extreme social model of disability takes on this. I think there’s a lot of ableism in insisting that autistic people can only be accepted if they’re not viewed as sick or damaged in any way (do we not need to accept people who are sick or damaged?). It’s not a coincidence that autism can be difficult for clinicians to distinguish from fetal alcohol syndrome, mitochondrial disorders, and the developmental effects of maternal infections.

       I do however accept that many, many people have been harmed by autism being blamed for issues that go far beyond autism. Medicine and psychology have let many, many parents and their children down by not bothering to diagnose or treat medical issues.

       I’m hopeful that autistic representation in medicine will help (I’m a big fan of All Brains Belong in VT and their resources).

    4. Do you have a high supports need child?

       I find a lot of parents with high supports needs children tend to need to look in the mirror because they themselves have undiagnosed ASD 1, because it is genetic afterall.

       1. That’s not what “genetic” means. Genetic doesn’t mean hereditary. There are many, many people without autism who have an autistic child.

          1. To elaborate, ASD is not some kind of a hereditary autosomal dominant condition where you have to look at one of your parents and figure out which one you got it from. There’s no genetic test that can tell you if you have ASD or not. Genetic testing can reveal identified risk factors that may or may not manifest in ASD. De novo mutations are pretty commonly involved in risk.

          2. Okay, but there are also many families with more than one autistic child. And we know for many ND conditions (ADHD, OCD, and yes autism), a parent having the condition increases the likelihood a child will have it because there is a hereditary component.

             Certainly not guaranteed, and I don’t like the concept of “blame” aka “those kids shouldn’t exist”. I myself have OCD and a couple of my kids have ADHD.

             1. Considering how much maternal age and other risk factors contribute it’s hardly surprising that there would be more than one child.

                Agree that there needs to be distinctions. The recent NYT article on ADHD, which is admittedly very different, also talked about the need to differentiate between those that are diagnosed with severed forms of ADHD and those who have a milder, more situational version.

       2. My understanding is that autism is not a genetic disorder. There isn’t a genetic test for ASD like there is for Downs and a number of other conditions that involve monosomy or trisomy of a specific gene. My understanding is that there are many different genes that could contribute to ASD but don’t always, and there is always research coming out to suggest that there is a higher incidence of ASD in babies/children exposed to XYZ environmental factors (parental age, B12 in early pregnancy, the list is as long as my arm and is constantly changing), but that no one factor leads to ASD 100% of the time. I don’t think they know what causes it.

          1. This is also my understanding (aside from ASD secondary to chromosomal disorders or genetic conditions, which some people are now calling “traits” because of that pathology).

             I would be careful with the B12 association. Elevated B12 can be a sign of malabsorption or impaired metabolism, and the developmental effects of maternal and of early B12 deficiency can look a lot like ASD.

             ()I’ve encountered some providers who misunderstand this research and think that getting plenty of B12 is a risk factor for ASD vs. not getting enough while testing with false high levels. Testing with falsely elevated B12 levels while actually deficient is a known phenomenon in ND patients and their relatives.)

          2. but some chromosomal microdeletions “manifest” as autism – that’s my son’s primary symptom from his 18q disorder.

             1. This is something that bothers me; the advocates’ attempt to say that autism is not pathological has led them to deny the name autism to people like your son, and they’re insisting that it should be called “features” or “traits” of autism instead of what they consider “real” non-pathological autism. I’ve seen this even from people in the research community and am really not sure about it.

    5. i didn’t read the article but absolutely agree that “profound autism” or “severe autism” should be recognized separately. i forget the specifics but i know some of the laws and other things that more verbal autistic people have advocated for have hurt the profound autism community and reduced options for them (i think involving group homes and/or day programs).

       1. Absolutely. In addition, dismantling research efforts into the causes of autism hurts families with severe autism the most. Jill Escher (mom of 2 kids with severe autism) has written on this subject before and it’s very eye-opening.

          1. Won’t we think of the *mom’s* and their struggles

             1. and why exactly shouldn’t we?

             2. Not taking any snarky advice from someone who can’t spell “moms” (plural, not possessive)

    6. I have two autistic children who are level 1 and level 2. It’s a whole different experience parenting a level 3 or level 4 child and the disability is beyond ‘different’.

       Based on my experience, I get frustrated with the diagnosis of autism because it really doesn’t mean much on its own. I’m forever explaining my children’s needs. It’s exhausting. Can we just label them properly instead of a blanket term which means nothing without additional context.

15. I’m considering two things right now: current Job A and new potential Job B. I think I need a slap across the face because the choice is obvious but the narrative in my head is wild right now…

    Job A: Current job. Commission only, finance. Been at the firm 15 years and in the current seat for five. I’m a front line deal maker – the star of the show on transactions. On paper a lot of people want my job because it seems se xy, lucrative, exciting, lots of client entertainment, etc. Business development is a big part of it (which I low key hate but it’s a cost of doing business..). My peer set and competition is crowded with a lot of egos, not a lot of women, and a lot of my drive has been to just make it… prove them (who? idk..) I can do it. I’ve had some fantastic years but the last five have been not great because the market sucked and I took on a new business line that has just been really, really slow to ramp. I feel like we’re on the leading edge of striking gold with this business line but it’s been a complete, draining, soul-sucking slog and who really knows if or when that happens. Internal politics are just every degree of absurd, and downright nasty and personal. I have a lot of support outside of my local office with people who matter internally, but I come to work everyday and just hate life. I have a lot of flexibility, comp ranges from like $200k/year to $900k+ in the best years. Right now it’s ~$200k. I’ll be lucky next year if it’s much more. Who knows where the market goes from here. If I’m not making over $750k, I’m not doing enough and get reminded of it daily. It’s demoralizing. Your only measure of success is income production.

    Job B: It’s at a client who I know incredibly well. They are fantastic people and it would be a dream to work for them. It’s a large, dynamic organization and I could add value in several verticals. They’ve before told me they want me in their leadership but we just have to find the right role/time to make it happen. We went down a path on another job 9 months ago that didn’t materialize (wasn’t a great fit and we both knew it) but they called me Friday with a new one they want me for. If the current job/Job A is a “star of the show” type-role, Job B is very much a supporting actress role in the overall deal production. I’d be leading a large team and it’s a critical function once deals are closed. No business development requirements (yip!!!!!). I can do the role easily but it’s definitely not the function I envisioned for a next move. Comp is strong, probably $600-700k all-in with a partnership track and carried interest/equity in deals, which is significant income. Flexibility is fine, maybe a smidge less than current. It’s a job I could absolutely and completely do. They did say that, among the things this job would do for me, it would “get you in to the organization” and they’ve similarly acknowledged I could wear a lot of hats in the org given my dynamic background, also also acknowledged that this might not be a vertical/function I want.

    I think my logical brain is saying run this out and take it if you get it – from comp, to lifestyle, to the people… it’s perfection. What I’m struggling with is this internal dialogue of how do I go from the “deal maker” to the “deal supporter”, if that makes sense? I’m almost too worried about the perception of me “stepping back” in terms of job function despite it not really being a step back in terms of comp, seniority, etc. Tell me that part of this doesn’t matter? I shouldn’t worry what my current colleagues say? (I’m expecting: she couldn’t cut it. she couldn’t get her business off the ground…etc). Is this what leaning out after a 20 year sprint in my career looks like and is ok?

    About me.. I’m 42, 2 kids under 8 with a very supportive spouse who has (rightly) called me out for my current work being really unhealthy and not making me happy at all. I’ve been having this overwhelming sense of … mortality?… lately. Like, you can’t get out of this life alive so why am I letting work absolutely control me and rob me of happiness, family time, etc. I’ve wanted a change or a while but I’m at a level where jobs aren’t readily available. I could be waiting 9 more months (at least) for the next thing. It could be years until I’m making commissions at the level the income that make the firm “happy” and/or exceed what I’d be getting at the new job. WWYD? Silence the noise in my head and run hard at this? I think they’ll move as fast as I’d want to based on comms with them just this morning alone.

    1. Oh gosh that was so much longer than intended. TIA if you get through it…

    2. what exactly is holding you back? Fear of looking “soft” to idk who because you did the equivalent of a Biglaw partner going in house? Because everything else you’ve said? Job B, hands down.

       1. oh and also? The only people who care about the prestige of Job A are the people at those kinds of jobs. No one else G a flying F.

          Plus, at Job B you’ll have the ability to influence deals a lot earlier on.

       2. I think it’s also because Job B isn’t the job function I envisioned taking. It’s not even on a top 5 list I would have drawn up in my head. It’s not perfect, and would leave some great skill sets of mine untapped. Maybe I’m actually having two arguments in my head… Argument 1 being the fear of looking soft (great, simple way to put it). Argument 2 is being, is it ok to take a less than perfect/ideal job function as an escape hatch from a really terrible in-place role? And particularly so because its’ great comp and at a great company.

          1. no job is going to be perfect, but B sounds like you could work your way to it being a great fit, from good fit, while having guaranteed comp that is more than triple your current. Go for it.

          2. I admit I skimmed your post a little but want to tell you that I see you on the aspect of questioning your identity in this! It’s valid to feel these things and thinking through what you want will help you go into whatever choice you make with more confidence.
             I went from the expected career trajectory to a support role and dealt with similar doubts. Back then, I took the plunge mainly valuing a day-to-day that wasn’t miserable over being seen as a go-getter or whatever. The part where I lucked out was that my colleagues are very thoughtful, value my work and treat me and my peers as partners rather than ‘the help’. I used to think I was not-cool for being interested in different aspects of the business than everyone else, but I learned to lean into it, like a unique selling point of my skills,if you will.
             The part that I only see in hindsight is that coming from the other side, I bring such a good understanding of how I can support this side, that it makes me that much more effective in my job. And also, that drive doesn’t totally go away in a different role, and I have stretched my role and take on a lot of interesting assignments and am rewarded for it, but I also get to ignore my inbox on the weekend.

          3. Here’s the thing, you don’t lose your skill set and your background may position you to move to the top of new company. Make more now and even more later. No brainer.

    3. Your current job makes you miserable and doesn’t pay you what you’re worth. You might think you’re a star. But a star in finance isn’t making 200k. Take the new job.

       1. Lol blunt, but true re the star power of Job A.

          1. Lol thanks. I can take it, and, I mean, I know that. I was basically a $1m earner before taking on this new product line so I’ve been “the star” before and theoretically it’s attainable, but it’s just been an absolute slog and who knows when this market turns again. I mean, the president sends out a tweet and deals just fall apart (literally). I don’t have the nerves for this anymore.

    4. I would 100% accept Job B. I see very little positives at Job A – but I give no weight to being the star of the show, so YMMV.

    5. Good grief this really is a no-brainer. When you’ve been at Job B for a while, you’ll look back and wonder why you ever even considered staying at Job A.

    6. I am not in finance so I am sure I missing the context of that industry. However I really, really don’t think the definition of leaning out is taking a new $600-700k all-in with a partnership track position. That is the definition of YOU HAVE ARRIVED. Take the cushy senior position that you have earned. That’s not stepping back. That’s reaping the benefits of your experience.

       $$ alone – if you don’t take this $600k+ job and you make ~$200k this year and next year as you expect, you are leaving around $500k+ on the table in the next 18 months, let alone the possible years until you are making the commission level.

       1. THIS!!

       2. Agree with this.

          And even if it turns out that you don’t like Job B after a year or two , or you’re not a great fit – you’ll have earned $800k+ more and you’ll have valuable experience that you can leverage in your next move.

       3. Seriously. Job A would not even be a consideration for me here.

    7. Are you putting your job title on your gravestone? Take job B.

    8. What is better for your kids: a happy mom making $600k a year or a stressed mom making $200k a year?

    9. B is so obvious to me. The reason is consistently higher comp than you make now. I cannot imagine turning that down for some imagined prestige that’s only in your mind.

    10. Sounds like a lot of ego is clouding this for you, in terms of going from being “star of the show” to “supporting actress.” Quite frankly, this sounds in your head. You are in essence a sales person – I highly doubt anyone is thinking of you as a dazzling star in this position (other than yourself) or thinking of the people who help you as “supporting characters.” Let go of this toxic thinking so you can take the job that’s an objectively better fit. To be honest, I’d feel a bit sorry for someone making $200k and working as high-pressure as you sound like you are, but I’d think “what a great place to be,” about someone making $600k not working as hard. $200k is an entry-level salary at Goldman these days – you shouldn’t be accepting that considering your tenure in finance and how much you’re having to hustle.

        1. +1000

    11. 1000% agree with everyone else, Job B!

        A consistent income is also a really good thing – with 200k-900k range you probably feel like you have occasional windfalls but are mostly living an upper middle class life, maybe feeling like just middle class if you’re in NYC or SF and working with millionaires. With 600k you’ll have much more security and comfort, and less stress about money.

    12. Congrats on the offer! Obviously Job B. I will say — I’m about your age and have been at my company 15 years. I’m newly unhappy enough to start job searching, but the thought of leaving after so long is HARD. That may be part of what’s holding you back too, leaving the place you’ve “grown up” professionally. Good luck, and please report back from Job B!

    13. I work in your industry or something very similar. Also a high profile female producer with a big chip on my shoulder to drive me to make it. I made a lateral move several years ago to a sustainable environment with excellent support…. Without that, I would have quit the industry.

        Take Job B. Job A will work you to the bone and never be happy with your numbers, even in the good years. The monetary difference between Job B comp and the best years at Job A isn’t large enough to white knuckle it and suffer indefinitely.

16. Has anyone dealt with drain flies in a shower? We cannot seem to get rid of them. The bathroom is clean and we’ve snacked the drain. Things we’ve tried so far: baking soda/hot water, baking soda/vinegar/hot water, drano, bleach (not all at the same time or near each other). Help!

    1. Zevo trap plus lots of boiling water every day for several days.

    2. do you use the shower regularly? we had this problem with our basement shower and then i started turning on the shower and letting it run for a few minutes.

       you might try a cheap fan aimed at the drain – i don’t think they’re very good fliers.

    3. ugh yes we had these last year; they were a huge pain to get rid of. I think what finally worked was a specific drain fly treatment (none of the more natural or general remedies worked), plus also getting new pipes under part of the house (we have a 1 story house; the original cast iron pipes were filled with buildup so we had to replace them with PVC…if you have a more vertical home, this might be less of an issue? unsure). It also can help to cover the drain when you aren’t actively using it, and to use those ultraviolet plug in bug catchers (I like Safer brand)…but those aren’t enough on their own.

    4. Boiling water down the drain.

       We only have one bathroom (that we keep clean) so it certainly gets regular use, but drain flies still make an appearance. Boiling water is the only thing I have found that reliably knocks them out. It isn’t permanent and they tend to come back in a few days, so I have just made a habit of emptying my electric kettle down the tub drain each morning after I make my tea.

    5. We had them a few years ago and got rid of them, but it took about a week of boiling water down the drain every day, covering the drain when not in use, and homemade fruit fly traps set up near the drain (jar with water, apple cider vinegar, and dish soap).

    6. Rule out mold somewhere. Drain flies can be a canary in the coal mine.

       1. True. We only had drain flies when we had a slow leak into the wall.

    7. Pour a little bleach down your drain and cover it up.

17. For those of you who left consulting, did you find any job in industry was easier? I’m job hunting due to burnout from demanding clients, an endless cycle of unrealistic deadlines, the unpredictable schedule, and constantly feeling stressed about whatever is coming down the pipeline next. When looking at job descriptions elsewhere I’m terrified of ending up in a similarly stressful role. I’m seeking either reassurance than anything is easier than consulting or specific things to look out for in the description. I figure I’ll take a pay cut so I assume any job paying my current salary is a red flag.

    1. Yes I’m much happier not in client service. Of course you still have “clients” like your boss, other teams etc but its different when you’re all largely on one team vs. when the client has high demands on you and the services they see you as providing.

    2. Honest truth, most people suck at writing job descriptions. Sometimes they don’t know what they want or how to describe it; sometimes they just get caught up in dreaming of unicorns; sometimes they decided it wasn’t worth the fight with HR/their boss/etc, so you end up with a posting “written by committee” where 90% of the bullet points don’t mean anything. I would put a lot more weight on what you’re hearing in the interview than the actual job description.

       (Sometimes the job posting really does reflect that they want some magic genius to do 6 jobs in 1 with no resources and you are right to run the other direction; but the point is you can’t tell from the job listing)

    3. Had the same fears. It’s less stressful. Way fewer hours. Easier intellectually but harder politically (but not too hard on that front, just a lot more thinking about how to mobilize people around a goal that should be shared but they aren’t acting like it). Did not take a pay cut and still feel like I have path to longer term career growth which was another fear. Transparently I liked the content of my consulting work more, but it’s definitely better for my health and non-work interests that I left, so net positive.

    4. I moved from consulting (MBB) to tech 6 years ago. I am SO much happier. I am still stressed at times but it is a different sort of stressed – I feel like the work I’m doing really matters in a way that I care about – but it’s also much more manageable because I have so much more autonomy and control over my schedule, and relatively less unpredictability. The hours are a lot better and I have a lot more control over when those hours are. I also didn’t really take a pay cut and now make way more than if I’d stayed in consulting.

       Honestly consulting can be a bit of a cult making you think this is as good as it gets. Absolutely everyone I know has been happier after getting out.

18. I’m heading to Syracuse NY for the first time in June for a relative’s grad school event. What are your recommendations for food, sightseeing, etc?
    Will have a car and have a wide variety of interests. Please tell me all your tips and suggestions! (Had tried ChatGPT, but the results seemed slim…hoping for some local knowledge/hidden gems)

    1. My husband is from SYR so I’ve been visiting for 20 years. (Yikes!!!) Pastabilities is my favorite restaurant. Dinosaur BBQ is fun for bbq and Tully’s are the best chicken tenders I’ve ever had. If you’re willing to drive out to suburbs, Arad Evans Inn in Fayetteville, Sherwood Inn in Skaneateles (plus walk around downtown), or the Brewster Inn in Cazenovia. Beak & Skiff Apple Orchards is beautiful. Wineries on Seneca Lake if you’re into wineries. Green Lakes State Park.

       1. I second Dinosaur BBQ!

          1. Visit family in Syracuse sometimes. Agree on Dinosaur BBQ. For lunch, the Salt City Market has a very international food court that is fun (I think they are open for dinner too, but it’s more lively at lunch in my pretty limited experience). Had super good pizza at Apizza Regionale – it’s the kind of place that lists the farms where each of their ingredients come from, great salads too. It’s nothing particularly special, but Hops Spot (which twists my tongue) has good burgers and beer and you can get poutine as a side, and is family friendly. Haven’t been myself but MOST (science museum) seems popular with younger kids, at least.

       2. Rosalies in Skaneateles is wayyyyyyyy better than the Sherwood Inn (food wise). Sherwood is cute in a country inn on the lake way but the food is really just average.

    2. You have to go to Dinosaur. Chicken riggies at pastabilities. Bagels at Water Street Bagels. Doug’s Fish Fry if you’re going to Skaneateles. There are lots of cute shops downtown and the Everson art museum. I would also go to Beak & Skiff for apple cider donuts and apples and wine tasting. Campus is really pretty too but not super big.

19. Does anyone work fully remote and do the full outfit, hair and makeup like they used to? I’m curious for experiences. One of the things I miss most about in person work is getting dressed up.

    1. i don’t think this person exists but i do think there are plenty of people who work remote who now put more effort into their weekend/evening clothes than they would have before…

    2. My waist up is exactly the same as when I go into the office. So not 100%, but very close. I need to look like I have my ish together on calls.

    3. I am fully remote and never do the full outfit. I do hair/makeup only for Very Important Meetings. Else, like today, I’m makeup free and with the Zoom filter turned on high!

    4. I think it’s about balance. I’ve worked 100% remote for nine years. It’s been so long since I’ve worked in an office that it’s not “like I used to,” in relation to the office, but I do get dressed, wear makeup, and do my hair every day. My wardrobe has evolved to prioritize comfort while still looking put together. I never wear heels anymore for instance, but I don’t wear leggings or athleisure either. Right now I’m wearing a cashmere sweater and jeans. I do a quick makeup routine and wash and blow dry my hair ~2x/week.

       I live in a city, so I see people every day even if I’m not doing anything important, which makes me feel like a real person.

20. my boyfriends daughter is graduating from college. i would like to get her an actual present (not money or gift card) she doesn’t have a job yet. suggestions?

    1. My father’s girlfriend gave me very nice pearl studs for college graduation. I didn’t much care for her, but I wore the heck out of those studs. They’re classic for a reason.

       1. Agree with this also. Anybody can use pearl studs or simple gold/silver huggie earrings

          1. This is what I would do too. Nothing with a logo from her school.

    2. Does she wear jewelry? A necklace with university emblem or similar could be an idea (but maybe too personal). Frame for the diploma?

       If she’s still job searching, maybe a resume service, LinkedIn subscription etc.

       Would she be interested in speaking to a financial advisor to learn about job benefits (401k, HSAs, saving, investing, loans …) and how to be financially smart as a new grad?

       Or, just treat her to a celebratory outing, giving her the gift of time – dinner, brunch, museum visit, daytrip somewhere?

       1. op here. i like this idea.. is that a thing? an appt with a financial advisor, they charge for that?

          1. Unless she’s requested this, do not do this. These are tough gifts to get from parents, let alone from a potential stepparent. It reads as “you need help / you’re doing it wrong”
             Give something nice, with a gift receipt.

             1. +1. No appt with a financial advisor!!!!!

                Pearl earrings and basic gold huggie earrings are both great ideas. Include a gift receipt.

             2. I mean, she doesn’t even have a job yet, so this may be a little much. Although I love the idea of getting people into the mindset of retirement saving / investing young is a good one.

                Donating a token amount to open her first Roth IRA is something I am thinking about doing for my niece when she graduates.

          2. It’s such a bad idea. You are her fathers girlfriend. Don’t meddle. Get her pretty earrings with a gift receipt and call it a day.

          3. No, no, no to any resume, job hunting, or financial stuff unless you want her to not like you.

             Yes to jewelry. Get her something from Kendra Scott Fine Jewelry, Demi-Fine Jewelry collection or similar.

       2. Or just regular jewelry that’s not a university logo or mascot.

       3. Omg don’t get her an appt with a financial advisor.

          1. For real. That’s bonkers. Why not toss in a weight loss counselor while you’re at it.
             Agree with others, jewelry and not school branded. I’d go for something more hip than pearl earrings personally, but that’s the right genre.

    3. Jewelry is a great gift idea, but please make sure she actually wears earrings before gifting them. I don’t have pierced ears and so many people gifted me earrings that I couldn’t wear, and I didn’t want to spend more money converting them to clip ons than what the earrings cost. Nothing wrong with a nice necklace or bracelet in a classic design.

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