Weekend Open Thread
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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I mentioned this Caslon dress in our big work dress roundup earlier this week — but I still like it for weekend, also. My earlier thought was that compared to all of the linen options out there for this kind of dress, eyelet might hold up just a little bit better in terms of wrinkles and more.
For work I'd wear it with closed toe pumps or pointy toe flats, whereas for weekend I'd either wear it with flat or heeled sandals, or sneakers.
It comes in four shades in sizes XXS-XXL, as well as white and green in sizes 1X-3X. I love that it has pockets and is machine washable.
The price is also pretty good — the dress is $71-$77, down from $119-$129.
Sales of note for 5/13/25:
- Nordstrom Rack – Looking for a deal on a Dyson hairdryer? The Rack has several refurbished ones for $199-$240 (instead of $400+) — but they're final sale only.
- Ann Taylor – Suit Yourself! 30% off suiting (and 25% off your full price purchase, and 40% off sale)
- Talbots – 40% off entire site, plus free shipping no minimum!
- Nordstrom – Beauty Deals up to 25% off (ends 5/17)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
- Boden – 10% off new women's styles with code
- Eloquii – $25+ select styles + extra 45% off all sale
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off must-have styles + extra 50% off select sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Lots of twill suiting on sale! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off last-chance styles + gift cards give $100, get $20
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
Can I get a list of go to lunch ideas for the office where I don’t have fridge or microwave access? Basically things that can sit out in a climate controlled office for 4-5 hours and be fine. Ideally also things that aren’t labor intensive to put together. I haven’t packed lunch since the soggy sandwich days of high school but in the last few months most eating options around my office have closed as rents went up significantly and the few places left are raising prices to the point where I don’t want to pay $12 for a small soup.
Did cheese sandwiches for a week or two but honestly I don’t eat that much bread at home so 10 slices of bread in a week just felt like too much and got old.
Buy an insulated lunch bag & use an ice pack thing to broaden your choices. Thermos of soup (pour hot water in first to warm up the thermos, then empty & replace with the hot soup, for best results).
This. I like my bentgo for cold lunches, thermos for hot.
https://www.budgetbytes.com/refrigerator-salads-for-eating-healthy/
I think you could get away with a single serving of one of these if you pack it in an insulated carrier.
I love the broccoli slaw and the bean and cucumber salad so far.
I also like smitten kitchen one pot farro at room temp, especially topped with some baby arugula and a bit of olive oil.
Here’s the smitten kitchen farro recipe
https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/07/one-pan-farro-with-tomatoes/
I think you were the one who posted these links a few weeks ago, and the Smitten Kitchen farro salad is life changing.
Just returning the favor! I found out about it on here about a year ago.
Second the idea for an insulated bag, maybe with a small….plastic thingy you freeze that will help keep the contents cold.
I like to do adult lunchables: some cheese, cold cuts, crackers, fruit, maybe cucumbers or peppers. I also like to make a caprese salad, just tomatoes, mozzarella, basil, a little balsamic. If you do have an insulated bag and cold pack, get some potato salad and stir in some tuna for a take on salad nicoise. I also like cold black beans with tomatoes, avocado, some of that Trader Joe’s roasted frozen corn, and some balsamic vinegar. Pasta salads with beans or tuna?
I sometimes get ideas from watching pack-my-lunch videos on Instagram. Ignore all the fancy bento boxes (although some do seem quite useful) and just see what kind of food they prepare.
I recently tried adding cannellini beans to my caprese salad – great nutrition boost and I enjoyed it just as much as I enjoy the traditional recipe.
I do things like this too. I like adding edemame to my caprese.
https://workweeklunch.com/recipe-index/
These have been a game changer for me this year: https://www.taylorfarms.com/product-category/snacks/
I often do yogurt with frozen fruit and nuts in a thermos. The frozen fruit keeps it cold as it melts. Then I pack a hearty grain salad to go along with.
A thermos is good for cold foods as well as hot.
Less fancy than what’s being suggested here but I just do snack lunches as they replicate how I eat at home. So usually stack of crackers, cheese stick, an ounce or two of nuts. If I have them at home I’ll sub crackers for something like pretzels or potato chips every so often. If I want something fresh I’ll throw in an apple, bananas or cherry tomatoes in there. I typically have a granola bar in my bag just in case I want something more. Very occasionally I’ll do a bagel with cream cheese which I find sits out in my office just fine. That’ll satisfy my occasional desire for bread without having to buy entire loaves of bread and because the bagel is more filling, those days I find the snacks less necessary.
alternative to insulated back: make things that you heat at home and can put in a thermos funtainer and eat luke warm. that’s what i used to do….
Yeti lunch box + ice pack will make it until lunch without a fridge. Including if you open it to snack at 10am.
Invest in a cooler bag, two reusable ice packs (one tiny, one the next size up), multiple sets of travel flatware, multiple salad containers of at least 4 cups but preferably larger with a snap-lock lid and a gasket, and multiple dressing containers with screw-on lids. Pack a salad with protein or a pasta salad. I prep three days’ worth at a time and it doesn’t get yucky. The two ice packs will keep it cold enough until lunchtime, much better than a single ice pack will. For snacks I like cheese sticks, the thin Kind bars, yogurt, nut packets, or homemade low-sugar whole-grain muffins. If you use a thermos for hot foods, preheat it by filling it with boiling water and letting it sit with the lid on for several minutes, then pour off the water and fill it all the way to the top with very very hot food. The food needs to have lots of liquid so there are no air gaps. Soup, stew, curry, or chili is best. No fried rice, pasta that is not completely submerged in sauce or broth, etc.
This honestly sounds like so much money she would be coming out ahead just picking up the $12 soup a couple times a week to break up monotony of room temperature items.
It’s like $50-70 for all that stuff.
A single thermos is between $30-40 so no, it’s not like $50 for all that stuff.
Once upon a time, I tried using all the tricks for keeping food hot in a thermos. From a food safety standpoint, I gave up. There was no way any of that was staying at the proper temperature for 4-5 hours.
Yeah. The suggestion of potato salad seems like a recipe for bacteria overgrowth. I’d avoid anything mayo or cream based.
An insulated lunch bag is $15 at Target and the blue ice thingys are under $4. Buy those this week, then in a few weeks invest in a thermos, which is $20 for a 10 oz soup thermos and $25 for a 16 oz. That’s just under 4 12$ soups, 5 if you buy 2 ice thingys.
You’re forgetting the cost of the things you put in the lunch bag and the Thermos. Even assuming a $4 cost per lunch, you’re looking at 10-12 weeks to recoup the cost of this equipment if you’re only subbing a once weekly soup out of the rotation.
Food from home still costs money.
You get way better lunches every day in a cooler bag. I wouldn’t even eat a cheese sandwich or PBJ that wasn’t in a cooler bag because yuck.
The Shalane Flanagan Superhero muffins are great for this.
Sliced bread freezes really well and you can make a sandwich with frozen bread and it will thaw out by lunchtime!
Thai peanut noodle salad sits so well with just an ice pack in a lunch bag, it’s tasty and filling. Alas there’s someone on my floor allergic to legumes and nuts so it makes my lunch options very sad.
Recommending a Zojirushi “lunch jar” to broaden your options. I have the classic bento version and love it.
I like orzo or cous cous veggie salads. I cook for dinner, refrigerate left overs and leave out at room temp once I get to work. Works well for me. Can do with quinoa too. Two favorite combos are feta, asparagus, green peas and pearled cous, and roasted peppers, tomatoes, goat cheese and orzo.
I would never eat pasta, rice, or other grains left at room temp because of the risk of bacillus cereus.
I eat my lunch within 4 hrs of getting to work. This is literally within food safety guidelines. The amount of gastric worry here is so intense!
I used to feel that way. All it takes is one time and you’ll totally get it. For me it was mayo on a sandwich—it has been 15 years and I’ll still never forget how I felt like I was dying. It was like a light switch—one minute fine and the next brought to my knees. I missed a friend’s wedding a few days later because I was still so weak. It’s stupid to play roulette with “how much bacteria” can my body handle this hour versus next.
Swedish cracker style bread thins with tinned fish.
I like rye crackers with mackerel in tomato sauce.
Any recommendations for sporty swimsuits with (and this is a must) molded rather than removable cups?
I’d look at Lands End.
Following with interest. I’ve given up and just decided to sew in the removables on mine
Oooh, this is cute. I’d definitely wear this to work in the summer.
Has anyone else given up on linen for work? I can deal with the wrinkles for weekend outfits, but I feel so sloppy when I wear wrinkly linen at work. I wish seersucker were more common where I live (Midwest college town).
I wear linen blazers regularly in my dressy (but not necessarily business formal / suits) work environment. Because they’re lined, they don’t wrinkle like an unstructured piece would.
Seersucker comes in black and other non stripe options! All the comfortable and non of the cultural connotations. This is maybe a touch casual but first thing that came up: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/stripe-smocked-waist-seersucker-dress/8184087?color=TRUE+BLACK&size=x-large&country=US¤cy=USD&utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=seo_shopping&utm_channel=low_nd_seo_shopping&srsltid=AfmBOorfti931zwS8KkD5lkPgn9q9uMyOyP7HaoKrE3uTqjlh0GVjCi_cfo
My favorite is a BB 100 % wool seersucker dress I could wear in 95 degree humidity and be comfortable but that’s from some time ago.
My 76-year-old MIL, who isn’t in great health, was just diagnosed with shingles. Other than bringing over food, any ideas of what we can do to help her? She lives alone. DH is already her handyman and does stuff around the house, though I’m unclear whether that’s a good idea since she has an active outbreak.
Poor thing! My mom just got over shingles and she was in severe pain. Just listen and maybe help with meals for the next few weeks if she wants that.
PSA that you can get the shingles vaccine at age 50!
+1
I just finished my series of shots.
It is recommended for all of us over age 50. Strongly recommend you get it. Shingles can leave you with residual nerve pain that nerve goes away.
+1,000,000 for the vaccine. And she should get it even after she’s had shingles. The vaccine kicked my butt but it wasn’t nearly as bad as when I had shingles. And totally worth it to avoid having shingles again.
Yeah, that vaccine knocked me out for a couple of days for each shot, but worth it! My BIL very nearly lost one of his eyes to shingles a couple of years ago.
She’s in severe pain. My grandfather said it was the worst pain he had ever experienced. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help her stay on top of the pain (meds? cold washcloths? idk).
It is true that cold can help nerve pain caused by shingles. She could try some over the counter lidocaine gel. If it isn’t improving, she should ask the doctors about whether she should start an oral medicine specifically for nerve pain. Unfortunately most of those medicines can be sedating, especially when you are older. She could try tylenol or ibuprofen (if her doctors say it is safe for her – always with food), but they wont do much. Distraction is good…. listening to music, favorite TV shows, any hobby/activity that requires attention that can take attention away from pain.
Don’t worry, DH will not “catch it” from being around her. Probably all of us have the virus inside us already, hiding quietly, and then later in life or when we are sick or when immune system is less strong, it can be re-activated and cause shingles.
Weirdly, my DH never had chicken pox as a kid. So he’s not supposed to be around her, nor are our kids.
I never had chicken pox as a kid either. You can be vaccinated as an adult, although my doctor insisted on a titer first because she couldn’t believe I’d grown up in the ‘80s without catching it.
Hopefully they get vaccinated.
People who haven’t had chickenpox can catch chickenpox from someone with active shingles. And chickenpox as an adult can be serious—like blindness causing. Do a quick Google and stop dispensing medical advice that is just plain wrong.
I was younger when I had shingles, but it was just itchiness not pain, let alone severe pain. I think it’s one of those things that varies a lot from person to person so hopefully she won’t be in severe pain.
The older you are when you get it, the more debilitating it is.
Generally but I think there’s variance. I know some older people who had mild cases too.
I had shingles last summer. The icy hot helped some, but gabapentin for the nerve pain was a life saver. Advocate for her to get a script if the pain gets bad. I started getting “ice pick headaches” since the outbreak was on my neck and the gabapentin took care of them on the first dose.
Buy her comfy soft pjs that are a size too big. Like, she’s not swimming it them but generously baggy.
Not shingles, but I’m recovering from a notoriously painful surgery right now, and I have most appreciated friends who come over to keep me company for a while with no expectation that I entertain them or serve them!
Honestly, bless those friends. <3
i need tips on not making dumb choices at the end of the night that ruin my whole day. yesterday i was at 995 calories and 85 grams of protein, so i should’ve had a string cheese for another 10 grams of protein and called it a day. instead i had 3 pieces of chocolate and several ginger chews, putting me around 1400 and no protein. i can’t tell you how often this happens.
Lol this has got to be a troll. Obviously you need to be eating way more than 1,000 calories.
Sometimes these protein folks are crazy….
I would also eat a lot of sugar at the end of the day if I’d eaten less than 1,000 calories for the rest of the day! Try adding more earlier so that you’re not about to go to bed (literally) starving. I like quick snacks like hard boiled eggs, cheese, fruit, or nuts to for some filling but nutritious calories.
You were hoping to finish the day at about 1100 calories and not be hungry and just feel great? K. It’s not a mystery why that’s not working for you. You’re not eating enough to sustain your bodily functions, much less thrive and live an active lifestyle.
This doesn’t sound like a diet destroyer. Have you considered just closing the door to calories after 7? That way you aren’t weighing the choice about what to eat (and choosing badly), you’re just saying no.
I regularly fast, so I’m not as aghast at 995 calories as I *know* the rest of the commenters are going to be. But you do have to get full calories in at some point, even if it isn’t every day. And make sure you aren’t eating low fat dairy–you won’t be satisfied. The high fat dairy is better for your health and your weight loss goals (assuming that is the goal.)
+1 to this.
How about we don’t turn this into a forum where people exchange eating disorder tips.
Snacking every 30 seconds is more of an eating disorder than fasting is.
Lmfao no, starving yourself (but calling it “fasting” because it’s trendy) is disordered eating. Eating small snacks often throughout the day keeps your blood sugar stable and is the opposite.
Eating small snacks often throughout the day is not recommended to patients whose blood sugar instability is related to insulin resistance. Everybody with opinions needs to see a real doctor and a real RD.
Make yourself some tea, brush your teeth, or take yourself up to your room and away from the kitchen for the last hour or two of the day.
But I agree with others that this is not a sustainable long term diet. Try to bulk up your lunch or have a hefty afternoon snack so your body doesn’t crave calories at night. I’ve been in the habit of having a tiny cup of trail mix and half a liquid IV in 16oz of water at night…protein, a heavy dollop of hydration, and a little sweetness
more facts – i have like 50 pounds to lose, consistency is not my strong point. i swing wildly between having 1000 calories and 2500 calorie days, with the higher days almost always high due to drinking and eating out. i’m honestly not that hungry and kind of forget to eat too often. (also been doing a GLP-1 forever although i don’t even think it’s doing much beyond maintenance at this point.)
ideally i’d be at 1400 daily, but with the wide swing in daily calories i try for that more as a weekly average if that makes sense.
Are you working with a dietician, nutritionist, or some other doctor on this weight loss? you should! they can help you craft a schedule and a diet that is healthy and satisfying. If you have 50 lbs to lose, you have enough body mass that 1000 calories is basically a starvation diet. Of course you’re going to yoyo to high calorie days. Willpower vs biology, willpower doesn’t win. especially long term.
If you’re 50 pounds overweight, there is no way in hell 1400 calories is an appropriate amount for a cut. Seek professional help from a registered dietitian before you drive yourself into malnutrition. You aren’t doing this right.
OP – i can’t tell you how many thousands of dollars I’ve spent on nutritionists and coaches. what a useless profession. if you eat real food occasionally they have no idea what to do with you. got my RMR tested and i wasn’t even that low.
oh and the 995 was after dinner, a chicken burrito with a high fiber tortilla and bit of guac and cheese. microwave egg sandwich and beef jerky for lunch, i think yogurt with protein powder was my snack.
Then the next step is a psychologist to unpack your issues around food and why you aren’t able to work effectively with a dietician.
Nutritionists and “coaches” are unregulated credentials. You need an RD. And frankly, based on your comments, you also need a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.
Then you should talk to your doctor. This isn’t normal or healthy. You have an eating disorder.
You will have a much easier time losing weight if you don’t yo-yo your daily caloric intake that way. You’re putting your body into starvation mode then flooding it with calories. Of course it hangs onto weight.
Get on an even keel.
This statement has no basis in fact.
Untrue–particularly when you’re on a GLP-1.
Let me guess; you do what the OP does, can’t lose weight, and want to blame external factors.
Your body needs food. If you are trying to lose weight, just eat at a couple hundred calorie deficit per day, not thousands.
If you are regularly binge eating at night, you’re probably not eating enough throughout the day. Stated another way, you may have been using your willpower to skip meals or not eat during the day but run out of gas at night – restricted eating can be exhausting!
This is beyond the scope of most folks on here. I’d recommend working with your medical team to help balance your goals.
Three chocolates is not a binge unless she means three whole chocolate bars.
+1000. JFC.
Aim for 1,400-1,500 a day if you’re swinging wildly. If you eat 2,500 one day, don’t over-deficit the next – you’ll keep yourself in an unsustainable pendulum swing. If you were at 900 calories, dinner should have been some chicken or salmon and veggies. 500 cal, 30-40g protein, and you’re satiated for the night. Starving yourself with a dinner of string cheese when you’re already at a deficit for the day is obviously going to lead to uncontrolled binging.
Stop counting calories.
Stop eating after 7pm.
994 calories isn’t enough. No wonder you were hungry! Please be nicer to you.
That said, I find flossing and brushing my teeth after my evening meal helps me avoid sweets and other late in the evening snacks, because I don’t want to do it all again.
How are you tracking your calories and protein? Sub-1,000 calories for the day is incredibly low, especially if you do any physical exercise!
I’ll add that 85g of protein is not that much, either. Granted, I’m coming from a bodybuilder perspective, but I aim for closer to 120g/day protein intake (I weigh 130 lbs.). This matches with the general guidance of 1g protein per lb. target bodyweight (for the nerdy people: the body can only process so much protein, so it’s actually more like .75g, but that makes the math harder, and most people struggle to get enough protein, so targeting 1g/lb usually ends up around the right amount).
You’re likely hungry because you’re not eating enough overall, but it sounds like you’re not eating enough volume. You mentioned an egg sandwich for lunch, but you could probably swap rice for bread and have similar macros but more volume to feel fuller.
Yogurt and protein powder for snack is not much volume, but making a shake with almond milk and spinach increases the calories a bit, but increases the volume significantly (or go with a lower-fat yogurt so that you can get more protein and volume with a similar amount of calories and carbs).
The other question is whether you’re snacking at night because you’re hungry or because you’re bored. If you eat more during the day, that should solve the hunger. Boredom can be solved with activities, low/no-cal beverages, etc.
Why are you trying to starve yourself?
PSA of the day – 80’s baby here who got the one-shot MMR as a kid. I was curious if I needed a booster given the world, and asked my dr at my annual exam. Since I was going in for bloodwork anyway, he added a test for the antibodies, and turns out I could use one. So, glad I asked!
Smart move! I got mine in 2019 when there were other outbreaks in the northeast. My titers were at zero, despite being vaccinated at some point in the late 1960s (probably one of the earliest cohorts receiving the measles vaccine). I got a whooping cough booster at the same time.
I should really do that at my next appointment. I’m so mad we have to do this kind of thing thanks to ignorant jerks who won’t vaccinate.
I have an appointment next week to ask my PCP what boosters I can/should get now, even if slightly ahead of schedule. I’m too young for the shingles shot yet but not by much. Kind of hoping I can get it early just to not worry.
I was a two shot kid back in the 80’s, but my titer was low back in 2019, I got a single booster and it was enough that my titer was sufficient when I got it rechecked post-pandemic (2019 doctor had recommended 2 shots again, but I’d never gone back for the second until 2021).
YES! Getting your titers (titres?) checked is super easy. I did it at a CVS MinuteClinic. It was something like $6 after insurance. I was immune to everything I checked for, including chicken pox, which was fascinating. I had it as a kid, but a very very mild case, so I’d always wondered if I’d developed antibodies. (Yes, the shingles vaccine is on my list. 2 years and ~30 days until I’m 50.)
Omg, did not know that! Awesome!
Did the blood test recently as well, since my vaccinations were from the 80s in a Eastern European country. While I do still have my original vaccination booklets and it always makes for an interesting conversation with doctors, it is very hard to judge whether the vaccine administered would be comparable to today’s Western standards etc.
My test showed I have significant antibody levels, so I was glad to know that – especially since we have a new baby in our extended family which I’m intending to visit in the summer.
If you have health insurance, many insurances pay for this lab test if it’s ordered by a physician with a relevant code. I paid maybe 5 USD after insurance with my plan.
Also, I got a Tdap shot after 9 years (one year before the next one was formally due), because who knows what vaccination coverage and availability will look like.
Anecdotally, my family doctor told me that with the administration change, so many people are checking their vaccination status and getting shots, at least in my area. The nurse administering the shot said they had a line of nurses in front of the vaccination fridge already when she looked to get my injection.
So weird. Has this happened to anyone else? I ordered three pair of shorts from Old Navy. They arrived today, all sealed in one of those poly bags (not the reusable kind, one of the ones that is melted shut on all sides). The shorts were all individually wrapped in tidy plastic bags inside the shipping bag, all neatly folded, all with tags still attached. One pair, though, was sopping wet inside its little bag. The others were bone dry, and we haven’t had rain here in quite some time. I didn’t notice the wetness until I opened it, and it smelled faintly of ammonia (which leads me to think something or someone peed on that pair before it got packed and shipped. I’m grossed out and returning the whole bag as damaged. Just – how does that even happen??
No idea how it happened but the ammonia smell might just be mildew. Just to make this slightly less disgusting.
Appreciate that; maybe I can convince myself it just a leaky warehouse roof.
Yeah…sure. Keep telling yourself that. How disgusting! I hope you get a 50% off coupon for this at least.
Yuck. You might want to try contacting CS to let them know.
Once many many years ago I got a pair of pants from Athleta that had a used panty-liner stuck in them, like maybe someone tried it on commando-style and just left it there. The CS rep was *horrified* when I called, and fwiw they did a free exchange and gave me a coupon for my next purchase. It was right after Gap bought them.
Ewwww!
I’d definitely contact customer service (I prefer their chat). You should get a replacement shipped and a discount, after this disgusting experience.
Any success stories of commuter marriages? I love my partner and he loves me. We have been together about 6 years. We live 600 miles apart, our airports have direct flights (about 2 hours in the air). We have excellent careers- I’m a law firm partner, he owns a small business worth $20m. We have talked over the years of one of us moving but frankly, neither of us particularly want to go remote or switch firms… we are early 40s, retirement at earliest is in 15-18 years. We each currently take one trip a month to the other’s city. The distance is starting to wear on me. He’s open to getting married but I have a hard time mentally adjusting – I’ve only ever read about these situations, not known anyone. Ideas?
Do either of you love the other to move? If not, I think you can find a similar partner locally.
Love the other *enough* to move.
I don’t believe in soul mates. If the distance is wearing on you and neither of you wants to move, you should love *yourself* enough to free yourself to find a local partner. There is nothing wrong with proximity being a must-have. There’s nothing wrong with neither of you wanting to relocate. But if both are true, this man isn’t the right partner for you.
To answer your question, though, I have good friends with a commuter marriage. At first, one spouse flew Monday nights and returned Thursday nights, a one-hour flight away. Now, the other spouse spends every other week a two-hour flight away, usually leaving very early Monday AM and returning Friday. As near as I can tell, they are very happy together and have been married about 20 years.
I’ll add that they always had the same home as long as I’ve known them, so it was more like extreme commuting than a true commuter marriage. One was college faculty and usually only traveled during the terms, staying at a friend’s place for 2 nights/week. The one who travels a week at a time (independent attorney with one primary client located in the away city) has a bare-bones apartment in the away city.
Can you adjust the schedule and work remotely often so it looks like a 4 week rotation which you get two full weeks together but you are only out of your own city for one week:
Week 1 – both in your city
Week 2 – own cities
Week 3 – both in his city
Week 4 – own cities
Or even a 3 week rotation
Week 1 – both in your city
Week 2- both in his city
Week 3 – own cities.
I would do a set rotation day. And during the week in a certain city, fly there and back if you absolutely need to be in your home city. Basically treat it like a business trip to home city.
Keep duplicates of as much as possible each house so you minimize packing and increase ordinary life time. Lots of in person meetings on home city weeks to build connection and emphasize presence at work .
This sounds like hell. Like you’re voluntarily being the child of divorced parents, but as adults.
The first schedule is one week of travel per month. Many people have that much business travel.
One of my best friends has done this for years with no end in sight. They live on opposite coasts (so 4-5 hour flight). They are both very self-sufficient people with demanding jobs and no desire to have children and it works for them. They generally see each other every other weekend (who travels depends on the time of year) and frequently work it so that their “weekend” is three or four days. His company pays for him to travel but he has so many points that she never has to pay to fly.
Also, to people saying he could move and she could not – if he owns a small business it is very unlikely he could move! Obviously industries vary but being a successful small business owner is even less flexible than being an attorney!
Ina and Jeffrey Garten did this successfully for years!
If the distance is wearing on you but neither of you is willing to relocate, I don’t see how marriage would improve the situation.
You’re not compatible.
Do you find the situation and travel wearisome, or are you starting to feel like HE isn’t worth the travel and bother? If it’s the latter, moving closer won’t help.
But I can definitely imagine you both having full lives on your own and your relationship is a bonus on top. If you don’t want kids or a live in lover I think it could work.
It’s really hard to find a good guy. It’s also interesting that he isn’t willing to move. I understand you not wanting to move as it would most likely require you to restart your career.
If he really loved you he would have moved already. I wouldn’t marry him based on this alone. Walk away and find someone closer.
If I were in your situation, where we each had Big but local Careers, I wouldn’t be willing to move for someone who isn’t willing to move for me. I also wouldn’t be willing to do long distance permanently.
Really? A lawyer you leaves a partnership has to re-start a career? I think you have many legal career options after that. But if you have to give up your business by moving, that is a lot harder.
If she really loved him, she could move.
if his small business is worth $20M, why is retirement not for 15-18 years? sounds like he could sell and move to me.
idk. All the long distance relationship success stories I know had an end date – like partner A moved away for grad school and then came back, or whatever. It’s ok to want your relationship to be a daily thing rather than indefinite duration of being pen pals with 2x a month benefits.
I had the same thought. Your combined net worth exceeds $20M! Get married, sell the business, retire from your firm, and enjoy the rest of your life with a great guy! Don’t worry about not having enough to do. There will be plenty to occupy both of you with far less of the bad stress that takes such a heavy toll on the body.
Are you actually happy only getting laid once a month?
Twice a month it sounds like.
Sounds like heaven. All those nights to read in bed.
That still ain’t much!
No success stories specifically sorry but I did want to chime in with a bit more optimism. If you really love him and feel like you have a full life with in your city (ie it doesn’t feel like there is a “gap”) then I think this could work! You’d never have a more traditional marriage “look” but as long as both of you are ok with it, then why not if it makes you happy.
I should say that I am a romantic and very much on board with any kind of True Love situation plus also don’t necessarily think that the ideal partner is one you see every single day haha.
Honestly you sound like you have a great life and also like you both have the money to make some of the issues of a long distance marriage go away, so… if this is what you both want then do it!
My best friend is a tenured professor and so is her husband. He is in Texas and she is on a coast. Both of them are in super-rare specialties and fully tenured. They both explore the job market every few years and it’s not worth giving up what they have at their jobs. They spend all summer and every winter break together and try to meet up about once every six weeks during the semesters. This has worked for them for a decade, but they have jobs that are more flexible than OP.
This isn’t unheard of in academia. Most couples are long distance for a shorter period of time with a clearer end date ( a 3 year postdoc, for example) but there are some who have to take tenure-track jobs in different places, even cross-country, with no set end date. I’ve even seen people do it with young kids, although that kind of baffles me and frankly I don’t think it’s good for the kids. If you don’t have kids and are both independent people I think it can work. But it sounds like it’s not really working for you, in which case I agree with the advice to end the relationship if neither of you is willing to move.