Wednesday’s Workwear Report: The Hutton Blazer in Double Knit

410 Comments

1. First ever BigLaw callback interview. Any tips from folks who have been there?

   1. Some thoughts:

      1. Keep your energy up. You may be sick of answering “tell me about yourself” after 3 interviews, but it’s your 4th attorney’s first time hearing it.
      2. Have a good answer ready for the “why this firm” question. We get it – lots of firms seem the same on paper as a law student (and even as a practicing lawyer) but people want to see that you are making an effort to make a thoughtful choice and find something about this firm that appeals to you.
      3. Be prepared to talk about anything on your resume. If you are interning somewhere this summer, you will likely get asked about an interesting project you’re working on. Remember your confidentiality obligations when answering.
      4. Remember that you are interviewing them too! If this is an in-person callback, observe the firm as you walk around. Is it empty? Are doors shut? Do people seem exhausted or unhappy? How do the lawyers talk about the firm? Ask what they like best about their coworkers or working there. If they struggle answer, that’s a red flag.

      Good luck!

      1. Honestly, what is a good answer to “why this firm”? For small law, it’s easier b/c it’s often true that a firm is “the main muni bond counsel for the City of Springfield” but for BigLaw, it’s hard to say to be the 1000th student who talks about the Supreme Court practice (especially when talking to a regulatory lawyer who does none of that) or sincerely say “OMG I would love to join your FERC practice” or “I love drafting Pooling and Servicing Agreements” when law students barely understand what that is even. I feel like even “My friend’s sister was a summer in your Dallas office and said that everyone was so nice and helpful” is a stretch, especially if you are interviewing not-in-Dallas. I can’t say “I’m from a small town in the middle of nowhere and up to my eyeballs in debt and expect to have no social life for 2-3 years.”

         1. I never had a real answer to this question and got plenty of Big Law offers. No one expects law students to be able to answer this question, IME.

            1. You might as well just say “I love money and will do anything or work on any client’s behalf for it”

            2. I am a BigLaw recruiter. We know the pluses and minuses of working here – I think a great answer is to say you really want the infrastructure and support of a large law firm. We sink a ton of money into PD and training. A student who can understand that this is a major benefit is one who can see the reality of why BigLaw is a great option beyond the money. Be prepared to answer the same question about ten times. I know it’s frustrating but I work with attorneys who think they are incredibly unique when they ask about favorite law school class / favorite xyz. Except they all do. If you are targeting a geographic area that’s not NY or DC have a good reason to why you want that area.

         2. Can your law school help you? If anyone at your school summered there before, they should be able to tell you what the firm prides itself on and how to answer this question. If not, can post the firm here and someone may have ideas.

         3. I think this question is to prove you’ve actually read the website. I wasn’t at big law but when interviewing I didn’t expect a genuine answer — I expected someone to have read enough about us to come up with something specific to say. It’s a test of your ability to prep more than anything.

         4. Even if you cannot talk about why *this* firm, I think it’s possible to have thoughtful answers about why BigLaw, beyond the piles of money your need to pay down debt. You can talk about the sophistication of work and clients, the possibility for exposure to different areas of substantive law, the economies of scale that make the administrative aspects of practice easier, like stellar support staff, etc.

            1. All of this is great, but I always struggled with why this big law firm vs another big law firm – these answers would apply to multiple ones

         5. When I was in BigLaw, I was basically just looking to see if the interviewee had done the bare minimum of research. You could talk about the staffing system, rotations if they do them, how summers get work, the type of deals/cases in the practices you’re interested in, the culture, etc. and why it’s a good fit for you. I would just look at the firm’s website and see what they tout.

         6. I think the best answer to this Q is “You tell me”, but perhaps in more polite language. Anyone with the least but of contact with reality knows that a law student has no idea how to distinguish between firms and also has some idea of how the firm sells itself as “different” from the other 50 firms with whom they compete.

         7. Ask the recruiter and first few people you meet what makes this firm unique and then use what they say to answer this question later on in the process

         8. Training, great reputation, strong XYZ practice in which you are vaguely interested, met XYZ person at an event who seemed great (if applicable), opportunity to work for sophisticated clients

   2. Congrats! A couple tips: (1) If they provide your slate of interviewers beforehand, be sure to study up on them and ask about any shared interest areas (practice groups, law school, clerkships, etc.). (2) Think of the interview as a conversation, not just a series of questions that you’re being asked. Ask your own questions throughout the interview, too.

   3. You may be there for a long time and shuttled around to a bunch of people. If you need a bathroom break it’s fine to ask! People will likely forget to offer. As you’re transitioning between interviews just say to the person walking you around, can we make a quick stop at the restroom? I would bring snacks in my bag that can be eaten quickly and not messily and do that in the bathroom too.
      If you are possibly being taken to eat lunch outside and will roast in your full suit, consider wearing a top under that is still appropriate without the jacket (eg shirt sleeves or wider tank straps, not skinny straps that show your bra).
      Having good questions make the interviewer feel warmly toward you. I’d steer away from specific legal questions like what did you think of X Supreme Court decision or where is the Y doctrine going? This usually doesn’t sound as smart in reality as in the interviewee’s head and doesn’t make for a free flowing conversation. Things like what do you enjoy most about the firm, how has your practice changed since you started, what do you think makes someone successful here, who have been your best mentors will come off better and give you good insight into the culture.

      1. This is great advice! Unfortunately, this is a virtual callback, so all on zoom

      2. Oh, well, put a few talking point reminders on a post-it right behind your camera. You might need them! GL!

   4. Have questions prepared. Especially for interviews with associates. Some people are into recruiting and like to interview and are prepared, but others get “voluntold” that they are interviewing 2Ls, usually the night before, and don’t have time to prepare – at best they will glance at your resume for a few minutes before you come in and may ask you one question about your current job, but then will just say, “do you have any questions for me?” So make sure you have questions ready to go.

   5. This sounds snarky, but think about whether you really want the job or just feel like you should be applying for it.

   6. Are you interviewing for a subject area? If so, read 5-10 Law360/Bloomberg articles about current antitrust/environmental/healthcare legal issues. Have them in your back pocket. If you’re a really gung ho about an area, have an answer (anything colorably active in these areas is fine) so you can say, I think x is really interesting.

2. If you have a vacation place, where is it (ocean, lake, mountain/ski), what kind (condo, cabin, single-family), inherited/family place or purchased yourself, in the USA or abroad or what would your dream place be? I’m at a lake rental for the week in Maine, and am dreaming of it being mine.

   1. beach house in Tuscany

   2. A quinta in the Douro Valley in Portugal.

   3. My family has a place on the ocean in Maine right near Acadia National Park. My grandparents moved up there in the 1970s when land was still pretty cheap, and it stayed in the family when they died. It’s my favorite place in the whole world. I went there every year growing up, DH and I got married there, and now I take my own family there. We live in the Midwest so it’s not a weekend trip, but we always go for a week or two every summer. Now that we have remote jobs we may try to go for closer to a month.

      We spent a week on 30A in Florida the last couple winters, and in my fantasies I would love a winter escape like that. Tuscany would be high on my list of fantasy places too. In reality, we like traveling to new places too much to buy a vacation home, especially with going to Maine each summer.

   4. I am lucky enough to have access to a family place down the shore, which as a Philly girl is really the dream place. I have only been to the Poconos once, about a decade ago, but I think I would really like the lake/mountain life too. While there are certainly more exotic or exciting places, the big plus of the shore/Poconos is the proximity. Sure it’d be nice to have a Caribbean villa or something, but you can’t beat a 90 minute drive…

   5. Canadian here. We are military and have moved all over but are likely going to be based in Ottawa from now on. We own a three bedroom, two story, shabby farm house on the Bras D’or Lakes in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, where I am from. We bought it with a down payment made from a small real estate windfall ten years ago. Like Anon at 9:50 it is the Keystone to our family. We al love it. It needs a ton of work, it’s a 16 hours drive away but it’s our happy place. The location is phenomenal. CB has a unique geography something akin to Fjords because is it essentially a hollow island with inland ocean so the sailing is incredible the Gulf stream means the water is like bath water, no bugs, and our place is in a bucolic village with great amenities and ocean front. We have almost an acre an a huge two story barn with a kids’ bunkhouse on the second level so can accommodate loads of guests. In 15 years, I would like a small city apartment in Europe and to go between. But if I had to choose, our house now isn’t dream home.

      1. *IS our dream home!

      2. Oooh all of these sound so dreamy!!

      3. Cape Breton Island is beautiful. I’m the Anon above with the family place in Maine and we went a couple times when I was a kid (there used to be a Bar Harbor to Yarmouth car ferry). I’d love to go back!

      4. Oh man. I adore CB. The beach at Port Hood is one of my favourite places.

         Every time we go to the east coast, I consider buying a place on the Eastern Shore near Tor Bay – my best friend lives in Guysborough county and I would love to spend more time with her, and houses are very affordable. It’s unlikely at this stage because it would be about 16 hours of travel (flights + driving) but maybe someday.

         1. Guysborough is SUCH steal, too. The west coast beaches are hard to beat, we try to do a few new ones every year. We are in Baddeck. We look out one front window at a lighthouse and the other to Alexander Graham Bell’s estate. I am so glad we suffered to make it happen and bought when we did. It’s all been worth the sacrifices.

            1. We could buy for cash, but the real challenge is that we live in Saskatchewan and have dogs who can’t fly, so it’s either kennelling or driving and both suck!

      5. Ohhh that sounds amazing!

   6. Lake and ski, family place I inherited in a sort of blue collar town. We did a thorough renovation so it feels like ours, and spent most of the pandemic there.

   7. On a large body of water, single-family, purchased myself (and share with my family), USA

   8. We have a second home in the mountains, western US. Original down payment was from savings and a small 401k loan.

   9. My family has a nice but not huge home in the blue ridge mountains. I love it there. My dream place would be a modern-looking home by the water, either the ocean or a lake, somewhere that gets 4 seasons.

      1. My Grandpa Sy had a place in the Blue Ridge Mountains years ago, but then my Grandma got bitten by a tick and she made him sell it b/c she did not want anyone else getting spotted fever. He got virtually nothing for it 30 years ago, and now we heard it is worth over $800K! Grandpa Sy would spin in his grave if he knew! But it’s all for the best b/c NY is relatively tick free for now, and none of us have gotten more than a mosquito bite lately. I would like to have a place in Florida for the winter, and the Adideranondack’s in the Summer, maybe Lake George or somewhere we could have a motor boat.

   10. SFH, Chesapeake Bay, future retirement home/current weekend place. Once we move there full-time, we want to get a mountain house in New England for winter ski trips and cool summer vacations.

   11. We have a second home in the mountains that we use on weekends, vacations, and holidays. We bought it a few years ago. Small single family home. My dream would be ocean but this is much more accessible (easy drive for weekend use).

   12. Honestly? Pied a terre in Manhattan, close to shopping, dining, and theatre. Let’s make it 2 bd/2 ba so we can have friends stay with us.

       1. This is my answer too, but Chicago (I’m about 2 hours away so we could use it most weekends).

   13. I’d love to hear if anyone has decided to buy a second/vacation home abroad. I was in Crete recently and it’s absolutely beautiful and property is pretty cheap….

   14. Renovated midcentury modern house in Palm Springs with kidney-shaped pool, two+ bathrooms, and stumbling distance from the Ace Hotel. Alternative: cottage in Truckee (near Tahoe) in the forest on an unmarked road.

   15. First instinct is to say something glamorous in Europe, but in reality, I’d want something easy and fast to access (which Europe is NOT from AZ). Friend has a mountain cabin in northern AZ and I love joining her there, but my optimal is something with more to do, since I’d be there over and over.

       I love the beach, so probably a place on the beach in San Diego. 2 bd so friends could stay, condo so it’s low maintenance.

   16. Lake District in the UK

3. I actually have a fashion question for a change! Over the last two weeks I’ve seen different women sporting a casual but pulled together look of some sort of ‘tech’ pants (think wicking fabric and ‘soft’ waistband, true ankle length), a solid color tee shirt, sunglasses and flip flops. I normally hate wearing pants but really want to try to copy this look. I’m a solid Large with bust and belly, and am not sure where to look for pants like this – note the pants I saw were not joggers! Any recommendations? I ordered a style or two from Eddie Bauer but expect to do a round or two of buy-try-return, so am looking for other brand recommendations for curve friendly trek or tech clothing. Even if this is a look going out the trend door, I am typically behind on trends, and this outfit seems perfect for upcoming summer travel and activities.
   I’ll take summer t shirt recs too – my unisex classic tee shirts aren’t cutting it, my work tee shirts won’t work for this look and I don’t have a good source for loose, but flattering tee shirts.

   1. they are all wearing Vuori.

   2. Try the High-Rise AirStretch Pull-On Taper Pant from Banana Republic Factory. They look tailored enough that I wear them to work, but they’re definitely a “tech fabric”. A few years ago I had luck with this style/material of pants at TJ Maxx and Sierra Trading – some styles were cut for work and some were more casual.

   3. I’m not sure if this is exactly the style you are referring to, but I really like the hiking pants from Athleta. REI also has a variety of “tech” pants. My SIL swears by Patagonia. The Steep and Cheap website often has these styles on discount as well.

   4. I’d check out Athleta, Prana and REI. Old Navy also sometimes has sleeper hits.

      1. Add North Face to this list.

   5. Wardrobe Oxygen did a black travel pants feature within the past few months. I think it might help you.

   6. Athleta brooklyn are the ones I wear constantly.

      1. +1 there was a post a few months ago talking about how women are wearing the Brooklyn as work pants. I wore mine to a conference and they were fine.

   7. I have some Lululemon Trousers that are in the style you are describing.

   8. Re: t-shirts: I’m a broken record about J. Crew Factory but the vintage cotton V-neck tee is super flattering and casual. I verge between small and medium and the Medium was loose but pretty on me.

      1. I want to love these but they always end up with tiny holes around where they hit my pants, usually within weeks. Any special tricks? Or have they gotten better? This was admittedly a few years ago.

         1. I haven’t noticed that, but I’ve only owned mine for a couple months. I’ll report back if I notice anything!

         2. It’s your pants waistband. Do you lean up against your kitchen counters wearing your tees over your jeans? Do your jeans have a little corner at the top center of the waistband that sticks out slightly after you button them? It’s these two things combined. Not necessarily a t shirt problem except that the hole will develop sooner in a thin t shirt vs a thick t shirt, but they’ll all get holes sooner or later.

         3. That happens to me too, it’s from washing dishes and leaning against the kitchen counter. I stopped buying the J Crew vintage tees for this reason because they’re too thin.

         4. I think it may be my seatbelt rubbing my shirt against the zipper of my pants. My solution is to wear a Uniqlo camisole under my shirt. (I wear the HeatTech cami in cold weather and the Airism cami in warmer weather.) It doesn’t work in super hot/sticky summer temps but it has been 100% effective for me at preventing those holes whenever I am able to wear a cami.

   9. I am not normally into this look but I cannot rave enough about Lululemon 7/8 trousers. I wear them SO much. Exactly as you describe and indestructible.

   10. Mountain Hardwear?

   11. Athleta Brooklyn pants

   12. Add Marine Layer and Minstry of Supply to your search too.

4. Following up on yesterday’s countertop posts:

   For the marble – I would test hydrogen peroxide in an inconspicuous area. I actually found this article from architectural digest that suggested peroxide with some ammonia. Article is here https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/how-to-clean-marble .

   For the Formica – I would spot test straight bleach, barkeepers friend and water made into a paste and acetone (nail polish remover). With old stains, I would actually pour some on and put a paper towel over to let the solvent sink in. I would leave it like an hour to see if it can help. Again, test in an inconspicuous area first, but if a magic eraser isn’t helping (again, working like super fine sandpaper), then you’re looking to get down further. Letting your bleaching agent of choice sink in would be the most likely key to success.

   1. Thank you! I’m the OP from yesterday and my response got stuck in mod all day, I’m reproducing below. Does it matter if it’s granite vs marble?

      I don’t know if the counters are sealed, we moved in within the last year and haven’t sealed them- I understand we need to do that periodically so should anyway. There’s definitely some organic materials- coffee, food, red wine, dirt (from plants we keep there, sometimes the water runs off). But also there was some staining around the sink from before we moved in, which I would assume is organic matter + general grime.

      1. For granite, I really like the method granite cleaner.

         1. +1 I use this just about daily and it smells amazing to boot.

   2. Thank you Clementine!! I do have some Barkeeper’s Friend, I will try that first.

5. With a July birthday, I like to treat myself to something from either Prime Day or NAS. Anything catching your eye from either sale?

   1. I like a couple of the crossbody bags in the NAS. The red-orange Coach is kind of calling my name. If it were my birthday I’d probably pull the trigger.

      Happy birthday!

6. I would be very grateful for some advice on the etiquette of internal job transfers. I’ve been with my company for a little over a year, and I’m about to apply for an internal posting in another department. This job isn’t at all what I expected in terms of tasks and responsibilities, and I am miserable. Part of this is due to a re-org a few months back, which I think I would cite as the reason I want to switch. My manager knows I would like more challenging work and that I was looking forward to things that are now another team’s purview, but I tried to remain positive and didn’t say it was a total dealbreaker for me. But it is, and there are no openings in that other group. I have a STEM degree and I want to be doing R&D as I did (well) in my previous job, but instead I am doing low-level administrative work to support the manufacturing side. I think it should be possible to find an appropriate position in the next few months, but my current management chain will not like it at all, since we are very understaffed. 
   1. Next week I’m supposed to meet with my boss and discuss my career path in the next few years. Where am I supposed to fall between actively participating in the fantasy that I will grow and develop in this role for years to come, and the reality, which is that I will interview internally for the next few months before looking externally, and there is 0 chance I will still be with my current group in 6 months? Will I burn a bridge if I don’t communicate that the training I’m currently undergoing for new tasks (that are still low-level) would be better spent on someone who will actually cover them long-term? I definitely don’t expect any support for my real plans.
   2. I only know a couple people well outside my group, but if I ask them what they know about teams I’m applying to or company-specific etiquette, it will definitely get back to my close colleagues that I am actively applying. Is that a reason to just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best? Thanks for any advice! 

   1. I’m also in STEM and do not have any desire to be in R&D. So the fact that you want to be closer to R&D is not a fault in anyway, it’s a bonus. Just keep in mind, not all people are wired that way.
      1. Is there a reason you couldn’t tell your boss your enjoying the company but want to actively work towards a role closer to R&D? I don’t think it’s burning a bridge to suggest you’re looking to grow within the company. And try to downplay grievances with the current role. (I know way easier said than done).
      2. Do you work remotely or in an office? I ask because I think if you offer to take people out to lunch and ask in confidence their opinion. You might be surprised. I know it’s a risk, but I’ve done this myself recently. I want to switch roles in my company. And it has not made it back to anyone outside of the person I talked to. I think most people value that you would ask for their opinion and would respect you enough not to cause problems for you. Especially if there is no open roles to apply for currently.

   2. Next time don’t lie about things being deal breakers just to be nice!

   3. I don’t have time to write a long reply and hopefully this won’t be a jumble.

      1) When you talk to your boss, I wouldn’t infer you’re on your way out. I would definitely talk to what you see “in your future” without alluding to another team or company. But I would absolutely say that the re-org threw a wrench into your desire to do abc instead of xyz. And to an extent, the bait-and-switch that occurred after you took the job (no R&D, lots of admin) because it doesn’t use your true talents/prior experience is something that shouldn’t be hidden. Not that you should blame your manager but it happened. You don’t have to swear unfailing loyalty to your current manager but you don’t need to tell your true feelings of unhappiness. As far as the current training, if your boss knows that the position doesn’t use your skills, I would continue with that thread and not hide it in the talk about the training.
      2) As far as other teams, talk to them over coffee or wherever it is casual. Don’t specifically ask about applying if you don’t think it’s wise but almost every business now is short-staffed so talking in general about their staffing isn’t that unusual. Then ask about their biggest challenges (not including getting qualified team members) and what the future for their team holds. If you keep it general, they may not figure out that you are wanting to make the leap ASAP.

      Good luck!

7. So, with the USA descending into chaos more and more each day, which countries are we most similar to? Realized I’d been nervous about an upcoming vacation to Mexico due to potential cartel violence, then realized I have more of a chance of dying from gun-related violence anywhere here in the USA. If you’re in Europe, are you hearing from contemporaries/do you feel hesitant to visit the US due to the violence present here? It’s hard to have perspective being on the inside and numbed by the unceasing gun violence and Supreme Court rulings.

   1. Is that really true about Mexico? I thought murder rates in Mexico were substantially higher than in the US, even with all our mass shootings.

      I think Canada and the UK are probably the most similar to the US culturally. Then Australia and New Zealand. The common language counts for a lot. Even in a country like Denmark where almost everyone is fluent in English, it’s still a subtle divide.

      1. My Mexican friends finally gave up and moved from Mexico City to San Diego.

      2. Yeah, that’s a load of nonsense. Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_intentional_homicide_rate

         Both by rate and by raw count, the US has far fewer murders. And that’s assuming that undercounting isn’t affecting the count in Mexico.

      3. I am watching a Danish TV show (Borgen) about politics and am currently at an episode about health care and privatization. The sheer of number of times someone (right or left) says something like, “we can’t do that, we don’t want an *AMERICAN* style system,” is warming the cockles of my desiccated little American heart. Yes, our insurance system is cruel and unnecessary. Can’t cry for laughing so hard. Also trying to convince my kids to marry Danes so they can live in a cute little house on a canal like the Prime Minister and wear practical, smart winter wear.

         1. I’m in Spain right now and we bought a medicine for my kid for 4 euros over the counter that is prescription and $40 (after insurance!) at home. US healthcare is insane.

         2. I saw the same episode yest!

      4. As an Australian, that’s not true. You might want to be like us and New Zealand but we have decent minimum wages, decent gun laws, universal health care and government loans for university (mine were $21,000 for whole degree). And then look at the terrible way the US handled the pandemic. We have close links to Asia, as they are our neighbours, and are more culturally like Northern European: maternity leave, government disability support (my sister gets $60,000 a year to spend on disability support workers).

      5. The US is not like Australia or NZ. If you’ve ever been there, you’d never ever say this.
         Just because they’re mostly white and speak English doesn’t make them like the US.

         1. I have been to both Australia and New Zealand several times, but thanks. I’m not saying they’re the same as us (or each other), I’m saying there are shared cultural similarities, including a common language. The expats I know who aren’t fluent in the local language have found the language difference isolating (even in countries where there is close to 100% English fluency so no day to day challenges with communication) and I’m not fluent in any language except English so personally I think moving abroad would be easiest moving to a country where English is the native language.

            1. Thanks for completing ignoring an actual Australian telling you directly all the ways you are wrong. Go root yourself.

   2. Visitors from Europe have been weighing the attractions of visiting the US against the dangers of violence, plus the possibility of being held for questioning without recourse, and the invasive search of personal devices and background information, ever since the war on terror. Now that the emissions from air travel are also factoring into thinking more , many of my friends are simply content to never come here, ever.

      1. I get this for never going to Russia (Britney Griner) or China or definitely North Korea. I get why my LGBTQ friends don’t go to countries where they could face harassment (or worse). But this is strikes me as a bit much.

         1. Agreed. It also completely discounts the very real problems that Europe has. They’re not the same as ours, but the US is by far a more tolerant country on issues of race and religion than most of Europe. Their immigration policies are significantly to the right of the GOP here, for instance.

            The US isn’t perfect, nor is Europe, but putting Europe on a pedestal strikes me as excessive and not super aware of the very real flaws it has as a continent.

            1. The US is one country, Europe is many countries. I understand that normally we might like to think that well, some US states are less racist than others, just like European countries. But I do see this as a faulty argument, as one country the US should care whether there is a huge difference in race relations in GA vs MA. I also disagree that the US is ‘by far more tolerant on issues of race and religion’ as someone who has lived in 9 US states and 4 European countries.

            2. Europe is a continent with so many different countries. Pick one to compare.You sound like a USA exceptionalist, where most Corporettes seem better travelled and educated.

            3. Yeah, having lived in the Netherlands, where my roommate couldn’t go to a club with her headscarf on… I agree we often think Europe is miles ahead of where it is on religion and race. And also women’s rights in many ways.

         2. It might be for you, but living in the UK, Spain, France, Germany, Italy, any Nordic country, you have a reasonable expectation that the people around you are not armed by default. The last two things I mentioned are also mainly affecting foreign visitors and might be less visible to citizens.
            It’s not that none of them ever travel here but it used to be that the US was a lifetime bucket list trip for most people, and now that’s not the case anymore.

            1. The gun thing does tend to freak the Brits out.

            2. +1

               Nobody is armed, in my daily life in Europe. The first time I saw an armed person I was 13 years old, on holiday in Germany, where the police actually had guns. I have never seen a handgun (nevermind an automatic!) held in somebody’s hand, only a few holstered on police.

         3. Wow! Lemme guess your’e white – right?

            Non white visitors to the US constantly get harassed by Customs and Boarder Patrol (even if they have the correct visa to enter the US). Those who are American non-white Muslims, such as myself, are constantly treated like crap and asked to open up their cell phone/laptop when re-entering the US. I have finally resorted to carrying my business cards with me (I am an Assistant Gen Counse at a F500 company). Something about those business cards makes those racist mouth breathers straighten up and act right! (can’t figure out what it is…..)

            1. Ha! Sorry this happens to you and thanks for pointing out the racism,.

               I’m terrified of USA police who are not well trained and so racist.

         4. Canadian here. I have not crossed the border to the US since Trump was elected. I don’t think this sentiment is a surprise at all. When Trump was president, I did not travel because the only way I could voice my disapproval was to avoid spending money in the US. I switched my shopping habits to buy from the UK or within Canada (for the most part- I did break down over and make some JCrew purchases). I feel OK about going now that the majority voted in a sane president. But I’m only travelling by car and only to states that are solidly liberal. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to avoid travel to a country for safety reasons or simply because they do not support the ideology held by the majority. I know all Americans are not Trump supporters or forced birthers, and I feel very badly for folks on this board who are sad about the state of the country. But I’m still making the choices that fit my principles.

            1. That’s cool and I’d probably do the same, but the last president’s opponent won the majority of votes/popular vote.

      2. Great we have too many tourists.

         1. Right? The only hurting I see right now is that the hotels can’t seem to get the usual summer labour from abroad. US tourist sites are bursting at the seams already, and any alleviation of that is a welcome relief.

   3. I don’t mean to discount the very real problems in the US but I think you’re being a little dramatic. I live in NY now but grew up outside the US so I have experience viewing this country from both inside and out.

      First, in terms of pure statistics, the US is still an overwhelmingly “safe” country. Is it the safest? No, but it never was. Could it be improved? Yes. But we shouldn’t act like the entire country of 300 million people is in danger at all times now. The fact that horrible and avoidable tragedies can happen to you here doesn’t mean that they will happen to you. Also, this isn’t entirely new. I remember a friend of my dad’s friend coming to NYC in the 80s and getting shot by a mugger. It’s all my parents and their circle talked about, obviously, but we still moved to NYC not that much later and everyone still continued to visit.

      What worries me is what is happening politically and legally. I think there are a lot of authoritarian red flags right now and those are actually much more worrisome. The fact that a lot of people either don’t care or are actually fine with it only makes me nervous. The countries I would compare us to are Hungary, Poland and Russia.

      1. To clarify – my comparison is in terms of regression and some people not caring about it. I still think we are doing better for now.

      2. Re: your mugging anecdote, my father lived in NYC for 30 years and got mugged for the first (and so far only) time after moving to Des Moines, Iowa. There’s a lot of randomness to it.

         1. Of course – just responding to the question of are people factoring it in.
            All the crimes I ever experienced so far in my life have been in safe neighborhoods in broad daylight. Anything can happen anywhere but it doesn’t mean you take less precautions in more dangerous times or that you stop going out altogether.

      3. Appreciate all of the perspectives shared so far. I definitely acknowledge I could be being a bit dramatic. I think working inside schools for the past decade and processing gun violence seemingly every week with children and having two daughters whose reproductive rights are now up in the air contributes to my feeling of the chaos closing in.

   4. Look, the US has a lot of problems, but my god, are you seriously comparing our homicide rates to Mexico? Mexico is a beautiful place, but please for the love of god, look up a statistic before spewing this nonsense.

      I understand it’s trendy to hate the US right now, but there’s a reason millions of people risk their lives to come here – it’s still very much a beacon to much of the world, flawed as it is.

      Please recognize your privilege in being able to say these things.

      1. Yup.

         1. The example of being nervous to go on vacation to Cancun but being willing to visit New Orleans, Chicago and DC doesn’t strike me as ridiculously privileged/naive. I don’t think she was talking about being a Mexican vs. US citizen but more that you’re not necessarily safer being a tourist in major US cities vs. tourist destinations in Mexico in terms of random gun violence.

      2. It’s likely safer to be a tourist in Cancun vs. New Orleans, Chicago or D.C.

         1. It’s safer to be a tourist in a resort town than a large city? You don’t say.

            1. Yeah, this. Cancun to NYC is not an apples to apples comparison at all.

            2. Well of course. Just as it’s safer to be a tourist in St Tropez than it is in Paris….

      3. That’s wrong. It used to be but no longer is.

         1. *responding the to the ‘beacon’ comment. Yes, up until 1990, maybe 2000 but not now.

   5. I’ll bite, European here, from the perspective that going to the US would be a holiday, not escaping or immigrating (which of course is the case for lots of people wanting to go from elsewhere).

      Yes, lots of people here actively discount the US as a holiday destination. Not only because of gun violence, but because of politics and where people want to spend their money. After 2016 people put US holidays on hold, and they have never been taken off pause.

      Sadly I don’t think the current shootings have given people a worse impression, the reputation for gun violence has been high for years and years.

      1. Have they done the same for Hungary? Do they visit the UAE or other ME destinations? What about chunks of SE Asia? What about Egypt? How about Poland or Malta? I’m genuinely curious – I always get the sense that Europeans almost love to hate on the US over their politics without looking at themselves in the mirror or applying the same standard to other countries.

         1. The Europeans I know who won’t visit the US are also not going to the places you listed except maybe certain middle eastern countries like the UAE.

            1. UAE is so much worse! Also add in Turkey, which is like Europe’s FL in oh so many different ways, including that everyone goes there for quickie beach holidays and it has an awful leader …

               I think – in fairness – the reason people get more frustrated with the US is that the US pretends that it is pretty amazing in terms of rights, freedoms and being advanced when in fact it has a lot to improve upon whereas other countries are more upfront about what they do and don’t offer.

         2. A lot of my contemporaries (U.K. professionals, late 20s and early 30s) are happily going to Budapest for weekends away, which makes me uncomfortable because I know too much about Orban to want to go there. Most of my friends haven’t heard of Orban though so even the ones who won’t go to Dubai seem happy to go to Hungary. I think they would mostly still go to the US too – and so would I although I’d be choosier now maybe about where and about avoiding big events.

            1. I think that’s very fair. I guess I just get frustrated when Europeans have this “eww, America” attitude. Whether it’s icky American tourists (which are often indistinguishable from tourists from other places in Europe) or the idea that they wouldn’t got to the US but would totally go to problematic countries that aren’t the US. If they’re consistent, that’s cool though.

         3. Hi, I’ll bite.

            Not sure I’ve ever really come across anyone going on holiday to Hungary. Both Hungary and Poland are kinda thought of as places people come from not go to – and dont really have a great reputation for being desirable destinations or for democracy.

            People who like the US for holidays are still visiting but sticking to the very touristy areas. But I’d say less people are talking about going to America on holiday than a few years ago. But I think that’s partially down to money as the exchange rate makes it pricey these days compared to 10 years ago. Trump and his allies definitely impacted on the way a lot of people think about it. And the rest of the news recently isnt helping.

            The Middle East. People go to Dubai for holidays (popular with the crowd who think they are trendy), but in general people wouldn’t go anywhere else in the ME for a holiday. Egypt lost a lot of popularity in the last few years due to coups, terrorist bombings and lately the shark attacks. Turkey lost a bit of popularity for these reasons too but has bounced back a bit cause its cheap. Generally, Egypt and Turkey are still popular for people wanting cheap but glitzy holidays who don’t think too much about where they book. Those who think of these things dont go there.

            Malta is a pretty small market, but the recent abortion story may make some people think twice.

         4. In short, yes, they avoid places like Egypt and UAE as well.

         5. I think there are two additional factors why it’s easier to criticize the US over some other countries. Since the war on terror, there is a perception that every traveler can be searched and detained at the border without recourse, while a White, well-off tourist will have a ton of privilege in Hungary or Egypt. Second reason is a response on the declared position of the US as a model democracy. If someone constantly brags about their exceptionality, obviously they invite scrutiny.

            1. Yup this.

            2. Are you really saying Europeans think that white European tourists are likely to be detained at the US border without recourse?
               Do you have an actual example of this happening recently and without cause? Or are you just fear mongering?
               Because I’d also point out that immigration policies in Europe are wildly stricter than they are in the US (they make the GOP here look liberal), and European countries also detain people.

            3. I am not saying that White Europeans are likely to be detained, but that there is a perception that it could happen. While that is overblown, you need to remember that you are comparing asymmetrically: it’s not comparing the immigrant experience in the US vs in Europe, but it’s a European traveling at home with a ton of freedom vs being treated as an immigrant in the US.

            4. Well, yes – they’re in another country, they’re not in the EU. The US isn’t just an extension of the EU and vice versa – they would indeed be treated as immigrants here.

               I just get frustrated with the EU sense of superiority over the US.

            5. I mean, this is all just answering the question posed by the OP.

      2. Do you find that people in your country are still interested/more interested in stuff like the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, etc.? Just curious – I don’t see a lot of non-US tourists in LA but always see/hear a lot of European tourists in national parks.

         1. I live in SF and I see plenty of European and Asian tourists here this summer.

            1. That’s nice! I would think San Francisco would be less daunting (smaller, public transportation) to a tourist from Europe or Asia unless they really, really wanted to see “Hollywood” (aka the blocks-long tourist trap surrounding the Dolby theater).

         2. Pre-pandemic I mostly saw Asians and Americans. I can’t recall the last time I saw European tourists in the US. I don’t think it was a huge thing even before Trump.

            1. You must not be located in a large coastal city. In NYC and I run into European travelers weekly, even going about my normal life.

            2. I’m not on the coast now, but I’ve lived in Boston and SF in the past and never saw European tourists. When I was growing up in the 1980s, there was tons of Canadian tourism in Maine but that petered off dramatically in the 1990s and 2000s, long before Trump (not just my anecdotal observation – local businesses used to take Canadian money and have signs in French for the Québécois and that all stopped because they totally stopped coming).

         3. Australians are travelling in droves to our own National Parks and beaches. Holiday rentals (vacation rentals in USA terms) are extremely expensive, $500 a night for two bedroom old house we used to stay in pre pandemic for $200 a night.

   6. This is like complaining about your sibling. You can say your sister is a nut job but if anyone else says it you’re ready to fight them.

      I see a lot of people jumping to the defense of the US in the comments, who are the same people who have been pretty disgusted with the US lately. I am also disgusted with the US. You might try listening about why Europeans are hesitant to visit here rather than just shouting down their viewpoint.

      The Europeans I know are afraid of getting shot in the US. Don’t argue with me about statistics. I’m a statistician. People elect not to go places for lots of reasons, and it’s not always based on your mathematical odds of survival.

      1. I’m not defending the US. There’s a lot wrong with us and I totally understand why people don’t want to visit. But Op said she’s more likely to get shot here than in Mexico and that’s simply not true.

      2. This is a good perspective, I think.
         From the other “sibling view” in Europe, I’m one of many Europeans who are very uncomfortable with a lot of Polish policies and the rights of women and LGBTQ rights, and wouldn’t go on holiday there. But I am simultaneously awed and impressed by the massive humanitarian effort made by the Polish people to welcome millions of Ukrainian refugees. More than 3.5 million refugees to a country of 38 million.

      3. Then we’re allowed to call them irrational! That’s the thing – if you’re basing something off of an irrational fear, you are behaving irrationally!

      4. I have a friend from a Nordic country who lived in Los Angeles for many years and we chatted a bit when he was thinking about taking a sabbatical in CA circa Spring 2021. He (and his American wife) were worried about mass shootings, I was fresh off of having my kids out of school for 14+ months and had no faith that schools would stay open (which was the basis of my “maybe wait a few years” argument).

   7. Australian here: I’ll never visit the USA again.

8. Can we talk about the higher-net worth dating question from late yesterday? I was interested in the responses, I’m having the same problem.

   1. I was hoping we could!

      While I personally am not wealthy, I ran into a lot of problems when I was younger (extremely wealthy grandparents, think, names on buildings of an elite college wealth). The best thing I ever did was to get reeeally good at not mentioning anything related to it for a while, until I got to know people.

      If you’re on dating apps, you work in healthcare; you’re not a surgeon. This isn’t because men are intimidated (best move is to intimidate early and save time and headaches); by your age (beyond childbearing years), the users far outnumber the men who are intimidated. You enjoy “travel,” no need to say to Europe every year. Don’t mention expensive hobbies.

      I suspect that your ideal match ia a divorced high earner, who will appreciate your success and frugality. People with kids often feel like there just isn’t enough money, ever, and are often more interested in making a comfortable retirement than splashy spending.

   2. With respect to the portion of yesterday’s post about BF suggesting pricey trips and experiences presuming GF would pay, I have had similar experiences. My response: “Oh, I would NEVER dream of spending my hard-earned money on that! But if that’s something that matters to you and you can afford it, who am I to yuk your yum?” It clears the deadwood out quickly.

   3. I think this really matters how much the lower earning partner makes relative their overall necessary expenses.

      For example in a LCOL area, my bf made $150k and i made $400k, but $150k still amply covered his expenses, savings, and our events without and issue so splitting roughly equally was not an issue.

      Conversely, a good friend of mine is a juvenile public defender and makes $40k and her boyfriend is a surgeon and makes $800k+. They’ve been together for years and he is very invested in their splitting restaurant bills, travel bills, etc 50/50. Honestly it feels deeply ungenerous from him. Her salary is so low that something simple like a dinner out at a nice restaurant is a real splurge, let alone paying half of even a budget trip somewhere.

      If you are dating someone with a salary that low and do not want to “subsidize” them in anyway. I think you need to be comfortable doing and suggesting deeply thrifty things all the time. Or if you want to do more things that are “cheap” for your income level regularly you need to accept that that is not actually “cheap” by their standard and subsidize your partner.

      1. I think I’d be fine with the first situation but not the second. If you both make enough money to pay for your desired lifestyle what’s the issue? I agree that in the second situation you have to either go on cheaper dates or proactively say you’ll cover it. One way to handle that is to “take turns” but like the higher earner pays for dinner and the lower earner pays for coffee. At least everyone feels like they’ve contributed then.

      2. Oh man the public defender/surgeon story is so cringey, he should be ashamed of himself.

         1. Given their respective careers, they aren’t young (like 25); they’ve been dating for several years. He won’t pay for her, he won’t put a ring on it (even with a prenup), and she can’t afford his lifestyle. I feel really weird telling random strangers what to tell their friends, but she really should break it off, because SHE can do better.

         2. I agree. Extremely unattractive.

         3. +1000.

      3. Yeah, I agree with this. I think if the gender roles were reversed, with the man making more and the woman making less, we wouldn’t think twice about him subsidizing her lifestyle – it would just be normal. With that being said, I think there’s a big difference between helping and someone taking advantage of you, and that’s so contextual and hard to evaluate without seeing it in person.

         This is also generally why I only date men who earn similarly to me (recognizing that careers ebb and flow) – or at least enough to fund a lifestyle in our HCOL city that is comparable to mine.

      4. I think that a longterm partner is different than a short term, dating relationship. The example you raise is awful. I think that is very different from someone trying to borrow money or travel in grand style on GF’s dime and not at her suggestion.

      5. that’s truly gross.

      6. She needs to dump his sorry but t. meals and daily expenditures are peanuts when you earn that much. What’s a few extra thousand here and there.

         It also means he a very poor grasp of investing and growing money and the value of a loving supportive relationship

   4. I posted a long comment before I saw your comment, it’s stuck in mod. TLDR: there are a lot of entitled men out there who will take everything and then some. There are a lot of self-sacrificing women who don’t see the red flags for what they are. Don’t talk to them about your dating life, they will only confuse you and make you feel bad about breaking up with a “nice guy” who is actually going to become more and more selfish as the years go on. Vet ruthlessly and ditch a guy at the first sign of selfish, entitled, or inconsiderate behavior. Or if you’re just not feeling it: if something is wrong your gut will alert you even if your mind can’t quite logic through what exactly you’re picking up on. Trust your gut.

   5. I’ll bite, I’m a very high earner and come from a lot of family money (names on buildings kind). I spent a lot of time worried about it once upon a time and then just screened for personal ambition and high self achievement. My husband actively insisted on a pre-nup to his disadvantage because he wanted to make clear my money wasn’t the attraction. We talked about it a lot too, I really think great communication and a willingness to discuss the most difficult of subjects makes the difference.

   6. as someone who married someone like this (i was in biglaw early 30s making around $250k, he was making maybe $55k at the time in his late 20s) the big question was his money habits. he had started a 401K, and had almost $20k in other savings. no debt. he also wasn’t a big spender. and he was impressed with my salary but more in a “good for you” way and less in a “let’s take a huge trip.” we actually did go abroad on vacation within the first 6 months but he insisted on treating me to hotels, so i insisted on treating us to plane tickets. he generally paid when we went out to dinner but i made nice meals for us at my/our apartment on our other nights. 15 years later i still outearn him by 3-5x but it’s all our money now so it doesn’t make a difference. works for us.

      1. This sounds great. I think it is what the OP of the original post is looking for – someone who lives within their means and saves and is solid, doesnt matter what the salary exactly is.

   7. I think it’s important in the early stages to make sure that whoever you’re dating is at least responsible enough to live on their own income, whatever that may be. Even if they’re not making as much as you, seeing that they’re not overspending or in debt, would be necessary for me to accept that they are not “relying” on me and my money.

      That being said, in a long term relationship, I would be more generous or flexible about paying for things, especially if there is a huge disparity. When my husband moved in with me, I didn’t charge him rent, and when we bought our house, I put in more of the down payment. If he needed to take a break from joint expenses because he was between jobs or something, I would have said yes, even while we were dating – but that’s because I knew he lived on his own for 10+ years and in my experience with him, being low on cash was a temporary, not a sustained issue for him.

   8. Hi, I am stuck in mod again but thanks for raising this!

      Thanks also to the poster above that mentioned “a lot of entitled men and a lot of self-sacrificing women.” I was raised by an entitled father and a self-sacrificing mother. So now I am wondering if I have this problem because I was programmed from childhood to fit into this dynamic.

      My last serious bf owned a business and made about $200k/year. He also owned a condo. To me that made him a peer (though I was at 2x his earnings). I decided to bid on a 2nd home, and to win the bid I had to liquidate investments to pay cash. After winning the bid, my boyfriend demanded that his name appear on the title too. “Or we’re done.” The decision was easy, I dumped him! But not before wasting 2 years of my life at the end of my window to have children…like how does a man go from trading off on checks to demanding half of a house?!

      1. Wait I’m sorry you weren’t married, he didn’t put a penny towards the house, but he wanted his name on the deed????? I can’t even wrap my head around that

      2. Where are you people finding all these trash men?!

         1. On the apps, obviously. There is not another way to meet men unless you are trashy and talk to actual strangers.

            1. I…meet men at bars pretty regularly? A lot of them are perfectly nice and normal and ask me out. Also on apps too because it’s just modern life.

         2. I suspect that some of this is geographic. I swear, there are entire cities of undatable men.

9. My dad runs 3 to 5 miles every morning. He owns a smart phone, but doesn’t like carrying it with him. He has a plan through one of the inexpensive carriers, maybe mint Mobile? Or republic? Anyway, he recently said he would like a watch that can play the radio. He does not care if it can get calls or texts, he does not want anything that he has to pay a monthly fee for, and he is open to fitness tracking metrics like heart rate, pace, etc., but as he puts it, he doesn’t use it now, so he doesn’t really care. Is there an inexpensive watch that he could use that would do those things for him? Bonus if it does have GPS.

   1. My Garmin watch (vivoactive 4) can have music downloaded onto it, which can be listened to with bluetooth headphones. Since the music is downloaded, it is not using data (I have no data for my watch). Obviously, this is downloaded music, but not the radio.Not super cheap though – I think $300, but no monthly fee.

      Years and years ago, I had an iPod nano that I used for running – it was music and nothing else but it was small and easy to carry (it even had a clip built in). Honestly, I’m pretty bummed Apple has discontinued all iPod products.

   2. I don’t know of any watches that match what he’s looking for, but if he’s OK with wearing headphones while running, there are lots of lightweight mini radios (like ipod nano sized) available. I know there are also some headphones that have radios built in, but I think most of them are too chunky for running. I would search for “mini radio running” to find options

      1. My dad sometimes still wears his giant, bright yellow radio headphones while he’s on the riding mower (complete with Dad sneakers and white calf-height socks). I should get him a new pair for Christmas; they have gotten a lot smaller!

   3. Garmin is great for this. Mine has GPS and shows you pace stats on your phone after your run, and you can load music onto it and play it through bluetooth speakers. It’s a little annoying to set it up, but I have a ~100 song Spotify playlist that I just put on shuffle, and change it up once or twice a year.

10. Talk to me about your country club. Does anyone belong to a really big one with pools, tennis, restaurant ect? Some friends recently invited us for a really fun day at the local club where they belong and told us that they want us to join.

    We have young kids and my son has been golfing since he could walk. We have a great house but very little yard so it seems like a no brainer to be able to go to the pool while my husband golfs and send my son to the youth golf program. I know several people there, but growing up my parents belonged to a much less fancy club (just golf) and it wasn’t really for the whole family like this is.

    My hesitation is that we can afford it but the initiation is steep. Also, I think part of the reason they want us to join is that my friend thinks a lot of the women there are snobbish. we have a few very nice mutual friends who belong so I’m not sure this matters.

    It seems like a lot of family fun and I’m just 100% not a person who wants to own and maintain a pool and a big yard, but the kids are already bored with the public beach and our small deck. If you’ve joined one or grew up going to one do you enjoy it? Is it worth the money? (Realize it’s personal but would like your experience). Thanks!

    1. My parents belong to one like your parents belonged to and as a non-golfer I was always envious of clubs with pools/racquet sports/other things to do than just golf + restaurant. I like the idea of having a built in social calendar/community feel (obviously you won’t only socialize at the club/with other members, but I am envious of how my parents will go to the club for dinner if they don’t have plans, end up running into a friend there and staying for a nightcap at the bar).

    2. If you can afford it, go for it! It sounds like a great fit for you and your family. I’m 100% with you on owning and maintaining a pool and big yard.

       1. +1. In your situation, I would absolutely join this country club if you can afford it.

          1. +1 +1 my boyfriend admits he is not a CC person, but joined during the pandemic and he and his kids (and me) use the pool a LOT. No one golfs or has interest so they have a social membership (or whatever it’s called there that is cheaper bc less golf) and they definitely get their money’s worth in pool time and food. They live in a city row home with a paver yard so having access to another entertainment outdoor venue is great for the kids.

    3. We have not joined such a club, but I was a member of one growing up and loved it. We literally would spend all day there in the summer – pool from sun-up till sun-down, dinner on the patio, brunch with my grandparents on the weekend. I learned to golf at a really young age and even though I play like once a year now, I know all the etiquette and can play in a work event at a moment’s notice. I know people will yelp about this in this day and age, but I loved it.

    4. There are several clubs like this in my area. Before joining one, I would check them all out to see what is the best fit given what you and your family like to do. Some have nice gyms, some have better pools, etc. We ended up joining a high end gym instead, given what we like to do and that we travel a lot.

    5. I’m a member of a private club in a city, so a very different thing, but I find it worth it personally. There’s a lot of social events. Maybe look into what kind of events they offer outside of sports and see if they’re things you might be interested in.

       However, just wanted to chime in that a lot of my friends were members of those types of clubs growing up, and I was always desperately jealous, almost exclusively because I didn’t have easy access to a pool. If you have kids and don’t have a pool, I think it can be really worth it–I certainly plan on joining one when I have kids!

       1. I’d also add to this – at least at mine growing up, my parents were much more comfortable letting us go off on our own at a younger age than they would have been at the local public pool or whatnot because access was restricted to members + guests.

          Some of my favorite memories are of getting to go off to the pool with my friends and get things from the snack bar (charged to our tab or whatnot) and having that youthful independence earlier on than I would have been able to.

          It also always helped answer the “what do we do for x?” question – 4th of July, they’ve got something that kid + adult friendly, etc.

    6. I’d look at not just the initiation fees but also the monthly fees for food/beverage spending and how/if you can get out of membership when your kids are older. A number of our friends belong to clubs and they’ve all said that their parents let membership lapse/gave it up as the kids left the house as they weren’t using it enough to justify the cost.

    7. Grew up at one and the members just weren’t my people. It skewed very right leaning in my liberal area, the kids were snotty, I liked the pool but hated that most of my friends weren’t members and they were restricted from joining me there. I can’t really envision joining one as an adult and thinking that those factors wouldn’t be present.

    8. We’re members of a country club now and really love it. My husband golfs multiple times per week, and our kids are learning. They have tennis camps for kids that our kids have gone to. The restaurants are great – we go to Sunday brunch most weeks. They have on site child care which allows DH and I to have seamless date nights. They have fantastic social events, 4th of July was so easy because we just went to the club.

       Only downside is the money. Which obviously it costs a ton. But we use it a lot and enjoy it – we went to the club instead of on vacation for 4th of July, so that can help “offset” the costs.

    9. Do you want your kids to spend most of their time exclusively around children of people who can afford the high fees?

       1. This poster has a great point. Once you join a country club, it’s literally the only place your kids go.

    10. We don’t belong but many, many friends do. It’s worth it to them! We don’t golf and do have the option of a “social” membership but we opted to do a lower cost town swim and tennis club. The town club is known for its tennis program and my kids LOVE tennis. We are at the country club as guests a lot since many of our friends and kids’ friends belong.

        If we lived near one we’d join a yacht club. That’s what I did growing up and it was great. My family was/is a sailing/tennis family.

11. I’ve been at my current mid-to-senior-level government relations position for about two and a half years. There’s been some tension in the air lately and I’m starting to wonder if I’m a) happy and b) valued plus c) what’s my growth trajectory here. I don’t want to make any moves soon but I’m starting to think about it more….

    This space is new to me (came more from the Hill + law school world). I’d love to connect with women in the GR space in DC over coffee/drinks/etc. but would need to reach out on Linkedin or cold emails. Yes, I go to events and network there but when Congress is out of session/August coming up….not a ton going on. Any tips from people who have been successful in making connections or have been the desired connectee? This isn’t me looking for the person to give me a job but pick their brains/learn from their successes or regrets. Thanks!

    1. People are hungry for socialization. If I am chitchatting with professional people, I will just ask if they want to get coffee or lunch. I can learn, make new friends, or both.

       I’ve had younger people cold email my work email to ask to meet. If I have time, I’m happy to do it. If I say no, it is about my own bandwidth and I never think anything bad about them.

    2. So my background is in the political space, not specifically GR, but I’d try to feel out if this is normal in your space – it definitely would have been seen as weird in the political space. Now I’m in corporate world, and it’s totally normal, but you just want to figure out if it’s normal or not.

    3. I’m in GR in DC and I’d be happy to talk with you if you post a burner email! I’m sure you’ve thought about being a generalist vs. specialist, going back to the Hill for a reset, bipartisan vs one party? Are you a member of WGR? I’m guessing you’ve reached out to your former Hill friends to see what ideas they might have?

       I’m a lawyer but blessedly don’t practice. I lobby for a boutique law firm that specializes in purple teapots – I thankfully don’t have to worry about bringing in clients – my clients are our legal clients that realize they need GR help in purple teapots. Since I only do purple teapots, I only work with the couple committees that have jurisdiction over purple teapots, so I have several good Hill contacts vs lots of Hill acquaintances. Likewise, the universe of purple teapot GR people is small – various teapot associations and just a couple other lobbying firms – so you build a reputation and get to know others.

       I’ve occasionally worked with some of DC’s bigger lobbying firms – the ones that have former lawmakers on the masthead – and it seems like the environment is rife for drama, so I can imagine feeling uncomfortable if that’s not your scene. Anyways, reach out if I can be helpful!

    4. I work in state-level GR and regularly do meetups like this (or at least I did pre-panini). I am fairly senior and am almost always open to these requests so long as it feels like you’re really trying to make a connection/friend and not just try to hit me up for a job.

    5. I’ve been in the GR space for 20+ years and I would recommend a strategic approach on this. I wouldn’t be weirded out if someone tangentially connected reached out and offered to buy me lunch and pick my brain, but a cold connection would be weird. I get lots of cold calls that just want my network. Nope. GR is all about connecting with people- you’re just looking to do that on a personal-professional level, which many are happy to do.
       Every GR person I know loves going out for lunch or happy hour. If you’re invited to one, always say yes, even if it’s inconvenient. Or start inviting others! Start with the contacts you have now or people you’ve met at conferences, industry events. Invite them to lunch “just to get out of the office and connect.” Tell them they are welcome to invite other to join. After years of working behind zooms, every extrovert lobbyist I know is dying to be in-person. When you’re together, be open about what you’re feeling (and tell them you’re not looking for a job, just wrestling) and ask if they have been in a similar position. Just have a real conversation without it being overly forced or structured.

12. I have realized, several years into my career, I need a task-oriented job. I’m not great at long term projects/planning and really thrive when I can just sit down and check things off the to do list. I”m not urgently looking for a job change, but I don’t like my current role or company so am definitely open to slowly exploring other options. Mission matters a lot to me (I need to be in a helping profession) and after a rough few years, I care a lot about work life balance. My undergrad and grad degrees are both social sciences and while I need to make enough for a nice middle class lifestyle, I don’t need a job that will pay $$$$. Currently single/childfree/late 20s, but hoping to find someone, settle down, and have kids (while still working).

    1. Project management at a nonprofit came to mind. I work in the sector.

       1. Same. I’d look at some PM and project coordinator/project administrator roles at nonprofits and see what jumps out at you. Don’t forget higher ed.

          1. I feel like long term planning is kind of the whole point of project managers!

             1. It probably depends on the type of Project Manager and what the job duties are specifically…. I thought the same thing as you – I am a Project Manager and constantly have to be long term planning and self driven.

                Project Coordinator or Project Administration, as pugs noted, would be perfect though. Those are the nuts and bolts get tasks done, usually working in conjunct with a Project Manager whose leading the project.

                Regarding mission – I think you’ll find a lot of opportunities (that may pay more than some nonprofit) if you can broaden your mission vision generally. I believe strongly that while I work for a for profit enviro tech specialized contractor, we’re providing technology that runs a very essential service to the public and keeping that in mind is very rewarding. So while my customers are the direct people who are thought of as the “helping profession” but they rely on me to do their jobs effectively. Just a thought.

             2. Me too! I am so confused about these responses.

    2. Does your actual job need to be mission oriented? Or just working in a helping field? I work in healthcare and I think what you’ve described is all of our HR positions.

       1. That is a good question that I had not asked myself yet… I think I prefer for the job to be mission oriented, but TBD. Will definitely do some soul searching on that question!

    3. The tension is that the helping/mission-focused roles tend to pay less and have more stress. To support a middle class lifestyle, you’d move into the higher level roles that require long term planning.

    4. This is going to be very specific — check out a pension administration outsourcing job if you are at all mathematically inclined. Higher-paying companies would be Mercer, Aon, WTW. Very task-oriented – basically making sure that anything related to administration of a retirement plan is going smoothly – calculations are being done correctly, checks are being mailed, etc. 40 hour work weeks. It is a helping profession in that you make sure retirees get their benefits as they need them. Pay is decent for sure. If you want to get into the consulting side (and make more $$$, but it will be project-based) you can later on in your career.

       I switched from teaching to a job adjacent to this one when I realized I needed to start making more money, and I’ve been satisfied in nearly every aspect.

    5. Just a caution that you may want to change your internal narrative and self-description because you’re talking about pegging yourself as entry level for your whole career. As you move up, tasks fall down. While you may not want to earn a lot, you still probably want to make more than a starting salary plus a few dollars.

       1. honestly, I was chasing the big career for the last 5ish years and I have realized that idc about that anymore. Maybe I’m (STILL) burnt out, but I’d much rather do something I like that’s low stress/good balance and not move up a ton.

          1. Companies don’t usually want to hire people to stay in those low level roles forever, though. There may be some employers and some roles out there where it is desired, but just fyi they might be hard to find.

    6. I have similar feelings sometimes. I’m a lawyer in litigation and thrive on deadlines. (Also probably some Adhd in there for good measure). Sometimes I wish I was an RN or an ER doc at a hospital – set tasks but not the same tasks necessarily every day, shift work, dealing with different situations good and bad, problem solving, and actually making a difference in the world. There are obviously downsides to medicine. But maybe thinking about the structure of your day/rhythm of work would open up some thoughts. For me there’s a difference between “list of tasks” to be checked off each day and “putting out fires” as a job – both don’t require long term planning necessarily but the latter isn’t stagnant.

       Another thought is to read some time /project management resources and turn that long term planning into a task check list.

       1. My career has, until recently, been full time putting out fires. And I loved it. But, I got burnt out, so I left that for what was supposed to be a steadier, higher paying, less chaotic corporate job which I don’t like.

13. Reporting from Lisbon on what real people are wearing. We were at a destination today with lots of Portueguese, French and Spanish visitors and the stylish women were wearing modal shirt dresses with white sneakers or flat sandals, white jeans with interesting blouses, and backless midi linen dresses. But I also saw quite a few shorts, longer, fuller shorts in silky fabrics, with nice blouses.

    I was wearing a midi linen sleeveless dress with converse and felt cool and comfortable.

    1. Thank you! Leaving for Paris Friday.

14. For the person who posted yesterday about how to date as a single high-earning woman. It’s rough out there. Idk if this is unique to our generation, but I have found most men to be entitled lazy closet misogynists who are the hero of their own story. They think it makes them woke to want a wife who works but really they want to abdicate the responsibility and burden of being the sole earning but take credit for being a provider (even though she’s providing too) and they still expect the woman to shoulder the lion’s share of childcare and mental (if not physical) household labor. They want to play (drink) with their friends and band together to shame wives who want them to do pretty much anything. It’s not surprising that yesterday’s OP is encountering men who act entitled to her money after a year or two, the same way those men probably act entitled to a woman’s time and energy.

    The only advice I have is to vet ruthlessly. Do not talk to your cool girl pickme friends who tell you you’re too picky. Don’t talk to your married friends who give you advice as if you’re married even though you’ve only seen your dude 10 times ever. The benefit of the doubt is for a husband not a man you barely know. While it is true that some people are exceptionally good at hiding their true nature until you’re invested, most people are not as smart as you, most people will let the mask slip, but it might only be for a minute. Be on the lookout for that minute. Trust yourself and your gut. If you’re not feeling it, cut and run even if you can’t quite put your finger on what is bothering you. Your gut knows. Good luck, it’s hard out there!

    1. I had no idea this was such a common thing! Ladies, does it tend to be a certain type of man?

       1. I know so many liberal man in DC who claim to be feminist, but really want a wife to take care of them and the house. It’s so hard to find a decent partner. A small part of this might be the gender imbalance in DC, the guys know that there is always another women who will let them get away with their shit

       2. I’m not OP but she just described my ex brother in law to a tee.

    2. Geez, where are you meeting men? This does not describe the men I’ve dated at all.

       1. Same and I live in an area that is small town urban/suburban but bleeds to RURAL quickly. Yes these men exist, but I haven’t had trouble sussing them out on the dating apps almost immediately.

    3. Wow I’m sorry you’ve had such horrible luck in finding men? Maybe re-evaluate the circles you’re running in. This has not been my experience at all.

       1. Glad it hasn’t been YOUR experience, but it has been mine. She is describing my ex husband to a tee. It’s eerie. It wasn’t because I ran in bad circles, lol. We really bend over backward to blame women for men’s bad behavior.

          1. Ok but also don’t marry men like this? Are there people out there who will maliciously hide the bad parts of their personality until they’ve put a ring on it? Yeah, I bet there are some. But not nearly as many as these comments make it seem.

             1. Yes. There are. But congratulations on looking down your nose on other people? You sound great

    4. I am the married friend who tells you if there are red flags when dating, flee. I love my friends too much to see them wasting their time with turds.

       This married lady will give regular pep talks about how turning yourself inside out “making it work” is what you do when you’re married with kids, not when you’re dating. I HATED when I was pressured to “make it work” instead of calmly assessing whether it “working” was actually in my best interests. It didn’t make for a happy relationship, just drawn-out misery before the inevitable break-up.

       I am also the married lady who recommends that newlyweds assiduously ignore Smug Married advice. SM’s think their way of doing marriage is the only right way, even if your personalities and situations are entirely different.

       I think a lot of people “mean well” and want their friends to be happy, but they accomplish this by trying to make reality match the fairy tale in their heads. It’s tremendously unhealthy, because someone else can’t live their life for the benefit of your imagination and wish-casting.

    5. You’ve described my soon-to-be ex-BIL. Trust your gut. If he doesn’t seem super motivated while you’re dating him, that is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. The signs are there. He can seem like a sweet, caring dude, but it will be brutal when you figure out that you’re pulling the load for the whole household and he has no real interest in changing that. (But will probably gaslight you and say you expect too much from a partner.)

       1. Y’all are describing my ex husband as if you had studied him. I still feel like an idiot to have married such a man.

          1. Don’t feel like an idiot. These types of men are very good at presenting a good face and saying the right things. My sister has really struggled with this, like how didn’t she see this? It’s in hindsight that the flaws are more apparent. But, I do think in her case, there was a strong case of “well he SAYS he wants to finish his college degree and advance!” even though he was spending zero effort to actually do so. This is one of many, many examples of his actions contradicting his words. He’s good-looking, easy to get along with, and everything looks great from the outside. But the marriage was a nightmare, and it absolutely is not her (or your) fault!

15. Do you ever feel like you just need something really good and out of the blue to happen for you? I’m tired of trying so hard and I want something good to just happen. A few good things happening for the world would also be nice right now.

    1. I hear you. When I get like this I focus on being grateful for what I have while waiting for the good things to come. Yes, things could be better, but I have it pretty darn good even when I think things are terrible. I focus on three things I’m grateful for every morning – it could be big (family, house) or very mundane (I ran the dishwasher early enough last night so I could put the dishes away before I went to bed, and I don’t have to do them this morning).

       I hope good things come your way soon!

    2. There are times where I really have to work to find the good, and I don’t always succeed. I hope you get a boost soon!

16. Any tips for traveling with a cat? Flight vs drive? She’s 9, really nervous in the car, hates any type of carrier, feels most safe/comfortable on the drivers lap in the car – as in, will yowl nonstop for 3+ hours if she is in a carrier or backseat. Will wear a harness and leash without a fight. Have never tried flying with her. We tried a mild sedative from the vet last car trip and she threw it up both times we’ve tried.

    My options are either: drive 11 hours, or fly (2 hour flight, plus security time and a 30-50 minute drive each way to the airport). I am caring for a family member the month of September and the month of November, and will be bringing my cat. So four of these trips (there and back, there and back). Suggestions?

    1. Hmmm, my dog responds well to CBD, maybe try that instead of a sedative? I can get about three hours of calm with a dose. For the car, what about putting her on a leash that connects to the backseat so she’s less restricted but still can’t freestyle around the car? No advice on flying.

    2. Too much stress for your cat – don’t bring her. Get a house sitter or board her at a “cat hotel”.

    3. I think I’d drive even though it would take longer. Put her in harness and leash in the car and just take the path of least resistance.

       But really, I’d try my best to exhaust all options for leaving her home with good care before I took her on such a long trip.

       1. Also, is it possible to leave her there through October so only have to do one round trip?

    4. I just drove with my cat from Colorado to Florida and was so nervous how he would react because he yells the entire 2 mile drive to the vet normally. But we left the door to his cage open during the drive and he was the most calm relaxed cat ever. He slept most of the time and did some exploring of the car and sat on the passenger’s lap.
       So it seemed he really only hated the carrier if he felt trapped in it. Maybe that could be the situation for yours as well?

    5. Fly and use phermones.

    6. Honestly I would leave the cat with a friend or sitter. But if you can’t – will kitty pee and drink water in unfamiliar locations while leashed? My biggest concern with driving would be that she would either hold it or pee in the carrier.

    7. I do cat transports as a volunteer for my local animal shelter. Although I haven’t done an 11-hour trip, this is what has helped on a 3-hour car trip. Use a plastic bag then towel to protect the seat under the carrier. Bring extra towels or paper towels and a cleaner in case the cat has an accident. If you have two people in the car, this would be in the back seat with one person sitting next to the cat. If you’re driving alone you probably want the cat in the front seat next to you. Spray cat pheromone spray all around the area where the cat will be. Play “Music for Cats” by David Teie. There are also “calm” treats (which the cat might not eat at first while they’re stressed, but you can give the cat some before you leave). Ask your vet if the sedative can be formulated as a liquid rather than a pill (or vice versa). Make sure the cat is getting enough AC if you’re driving in a hot area. It really helps if you can have two people in the car so that one person can interact with and pet and try to soothe the cat during the drive. Good luck!

    8. We’ve been traveling frequently between NYC and Central FL for the past half year and have both driven and flown. My preference was flying because it was over quickly and we didn’t have to worry about finding pet-friendly hotels. I thought my cat would be stressed by the airport and being under the seat, but she handled everything really well (she’s not a yowler, though). She looked completely unhappy when we drove. AND I think she picked up fleas in the last hotel room we stayed in.

17. I’m wondering at what point do you upgrade your hobby equipment or supplies? I have ample supplies/ equipment to make my hobbies enjoyable (I paint with acrylic and watercolours, cycle, sew) but I rotate between these hobbies and sometimes one may fall by the wayside while I focus on another. I’ve been on the fence about whether I should purchase another bike, or a new sewing machine, and while I can afford both, I likely would feel bad buying a new machine if I didn’t sew for several months while things are busy at work, for example. I would probably buy a new bike in summer, as I am a fair weather cyclist and mostly pedal in spring or summer. I sew clothing for myself, but maybe sew 5 – 8 garments a year on average, but have years when I’ve made more. (Also, with sewing, I sometimes feel bad for buying a dress, when I know I can make a much higher quality version, so this hobby seeps into shopping and makes it hard to buy things I know I can make). How do you determine when to invest substantially more in hobby?

    1. When the lower-quality supplies make it hard to enjoy attaining proficiency. I play the cello as a hobby, and sometimes feel guilty for buying better strings and changing them too often. I think that I can make do with the lower quality strings and/or not change them as often. But then when I don’t sound as good, I get really down about my playing. I start thinking that I should just never pick up the cello again because I am terrible. Then I put on some new, nicer strings and voila! I sound great again. So if your sub-par sewing machine means that you are not happy with the result and therefore cannot enjoy sewing, get the better sewing machine.

       1. Thank you! That’s a great example with your cello ( another hobby for me is piano, so I completely understand your point). My sewing machine works, but it can be frustrating for some projects.

          1. +1. For me it’s paper – printmaking paper gets $$$$ but it makes a world of difference.

             Also don’t forget about used or refurbished items! I wish you’d posted a couple weeks ago – my wife just sold her Juki :)

             1. Thank you! Good art supplies make a difference and they add up fast! I’m looking for refurbished and new machines in my local area too:)

       2. Along the lines of this, I took piano lessons for 20 years as an adult, and for about half of that time I had an upright piano. I did upgrade from an old upright to a Yamaha U1 (IYKYK) but at some point my piano teacher said I wasn’t going to be able to get the voicing I wanted due to the limitations of the upright.

          So I finally bought a grand piano. Not a baby grand either. I bought a Steinway 5’10.” I love that piano with my entire soul. It made a huge difference in my playing and I have no regrets.

          1. This brings back happy memories as my piano teacher had a Steinway grand and it’s been the standard by which I measure other pianos:)

    2. The answer for bikes is always n+1 :-)
       When I’ve gotten new bikes, I started looking with no particular urgency and waited for the right one to turn up, one on eBay, one through a friend of a friend. I’m experienced enough that I know what fits/doesn’t, what I want, what I don’t care about, and am not particularly swayed by “new and shiny” in the stores.
       I would imagine a sewing machine could be acquired the same way, but I’m not a sewist.

    3. Are you me? So psyched to see our hobby overlap! I would say to upgrade when it will make a difference to my enjoyment. I bought a new (to me) bike this spring and I can do a LOT more with it, I’m really delighted. My old bike really was holding me back and riding is so much more fun now. On the other hand, my sewing machine is fine, it doesn’t frustrate me or get in my way at all, so I’m letting well enough alone.

       I also think it’s fine to have seasonal hobbies – say cycling when it’s nice out, sewing when it isn’t. Then I think of costs as relative to the overall amount of time spent on the hobby, not on whether I do it consistently from week to week all the time. So if I go on 20 rides a season, that’s maybe instead of 20 dinners out (or concert/museum tickets, or some other expense, because I wouldn’t otherwise be doing absolutely nothing), and what’s the cost of that?

       1. Love the hobby overlap! I have a bike that’s the perfect frame size for me, and have been eyeing some with a wider gear range. It s true that the time spent on the hobby could be otherwise spent on other entertainment, and it makes me want to keep an eye out for new to me bikes and machines:)

    4. I always hem and haw over this too, but the truth is, I want to use something when I first buy it! It will 100% get used a bunch in the first month or so. It might gather dust thereafter though.

    5. Both a sewing machine and a bike are things you will have for years, so take the long view – if you don’t use it for a season, it’s okay, it’s not like it expires. A decade ago I bought an entry level sewing machine and a bike and told myself they were “proof of concept” for how much I would use them. I started to get frustrated with some of the limitations of my sewing machine and when I took it in for service, the shop had just gotten in a used fancy machine that was just at the edge of my price range. I splurged and let me tell you — it is SO much nicer than my entry level machine! I expect to have it for the rest of my life, honestly, which makes the cost feel much more reasonable.

    6. When I feel like I can no longer progress with what I have. I’m dying for a custom dance dress but I can do more with what I have for now.

    7. I can only speak to watercolor, but for me there was a HUGE difference in using the expensive artist quality watercolors as versus the more bargain brands. I gave all my cheaper stuff away and slowly replaced my colors with the good stuff. It’s worth buying a tube or pan of the premium brand/s to try out and compare, IMO.
       Good quality paper makes a difference too.
       My artwork looks so much better with artist quality paint and on quality w/c paper.

18. Random question but did there come an age for you where it got harder for you to digest baked goods, esp. the convenient store, grocery store, fast casual variety so I’m not talking fine bakeries or home made here?

    I know being 40+ isn’t being 25 anymore but back in the day I used to be able to eat a blueberry muffin or soft pretzel for lunch with nothing else and be fine. And now if I do that I end up bloated hours later wondering was that just because of a pretzel?? Yet I’m fine if I’m eating balanced meals like a sandwich or an entree with meat or lentils and rice and vegetables and then have say a piece of cake or something. Is this too many empty carbs all at once with nothing to balance it out? Or do these types of goods have some preservative that they didn’t used to have a few decades ago?

    1. Lol hi yea this is being old

    2. For sure this hit me at 31

    3. Same starting around age 35. I’m still not clear why it happens. I have no doubt that there are cheap preservatives in those goods now much moreso than two decades ago, but there may be something to the fact that your body is having to process a TON of carb at once which all turns to sugar and then sits there messing up your gut bacteria.

    4. This hit me in my I’d forties. 51 now, and have become even more attuned to how many total carbs I can have in a day. I have a love for walnut bread at my local bakery, so when I buy a loaf, I make sure to reduce carbs or baked goods I. Other ways. I also split baked goods or desserts with husband and we have half portions:)

    5. Can anyone explain why this happens? Does anything prevent it like upping your yogurt or probiotics? Or is it really about moderation above all else that a slice of cake or pie is fine with a meal but you can’t just have multiple slices because you don’t feel like eating a real lunch.

    6. I’m in my 50s and have not had this experience. It must vary from person to person.

       1. Early 40s and no problems here either… and I have lots of other health problems, so it’s not like I’m especially lucky in that regard. I don’t eat those things often because they’re just not very good, so it’s not worth wasting money and calories on something I could make better and cheaper at home, but when I do have a donut or something like that, it’s fine. I definitely believe you, though, people vary a lot in the things they’re sensitive to, and I’m guessing the issue here is with a huge portion of sugar and simple carbs that gets absorbed really fast if you’re not balancing it with fiber and protein.

       2. Same. Early 40s, but menopausal due to medication, so I feel like my body skews older. I have no problem at all with wheat or baked goods. That said, I think they add to my belly fat, but not all to belly upset.

    7. In my.mid 30s. I just stopped eating them around 40. They bring me no pleasure anyway so I don’t miss them at all. I can’t say I can eat them with a “balanced meal” either. I just don’t eat them at all. I do eat breakfast biscuits about once every other week and burgers on rolls about every week but generally skip any baked goods at all otherwise. Not worth it.

    8. Yes, I had issues with dairy, including super buttery treats, when I was a kid and they seem to have resurfaced. I think there was like a 20 minute period when I was 21 where I had no dairy issues at all.

    9. Yes, of course. Some of is about sugars, possibly fructose.

       It might be your age, but also don’t discount that the bakery muffin you ate 25 years ago were made from different ingredients, less overly processed and more similar to your home bakes.

    10. Check out “The Plan” by Lyn Genet something I forget her name exactly and am running out the door but it’s a book I read and followed during early covid and really helped me understand what foods bother me since I turned 35 (40 this month). The point is diets work for 85% of people so everyone does them. But they don’t work for everyone. It’s a yellow book (or it was I gave mine away and it could be updated) I had an older copy from my sister but it could be updated. I think she has a website too. I learned that bread doesn’t bother me at all unless it has barley or potato flour. I had done allergy testing in the past and showed no issues other than the serious ones I knew. I guess the point is to learn exactly what in that muffin or sandwich bothers you. I also remember a lot of combination problems from the book. Some people react to chicken when it’s with rice but rice is fine if it’s not with chicken. I avoid sesame, eggs, brussel sprouts, turkey, eating meat protein at lunchtime, and then I just know if I do eat something that I want that will bother me, what to avoid. You weigh yourself every day first thing to determine if you’ve had a reaction. There’s no macro counting so I sort of fell away from the over all recipes but I remember I really liked doing it and I lost some weight that I had gained and couldn’t lose no matter how hard I worked out. She did a good job of explaining this phenomenon (better than me obvi) that when you hit mid 30s your body reacts differently to food.

19. Is there a service that will take my food preferences (calorie target, likes and dislikes, type of cuisine) and timing issues (happy to cook from scratch but not every night, like leftovers for lunch, need easy breakfasts) and put them together into a cohesive meal plan for me, with recipes, a shopping list, and the week mapped out so that I’m not trying to use 1:4 avocado a Monday and another Friday?

    I had hoped my dietician would help with this but she won’t.

    1. See if Budget Bytes’ meal plans will work for you.

       1. Unfortunately no, their only option for one is the meal prep plan which is too repetitive and reliant on processed meats. But thank you!!

    2. This is Platejoy.

    3. A friend liked meal lime. I’m not sure the details of the plan, but perhaps worth a Google.

20. Has anyone been following the Voyager Exchange saga? Long story short, I thought I was 100% informed on my family’s investments, DH and I talk about it everyday, but somehow I missed that we have $85k in USDC (crypto stablecoin) sitting in Voyager. Tbh I think DH had been intentionally vague about this, but that’s another issue for another post. Anyway, Voyager just filed for Chapter 11 and we have no idea what’s going to happen to our USDC holdings. It’s possible it’s all gone, I think it’s more likely we’ll recover a portion of it but not 100%. Does anyone have any insight or advice for us? I’m feeling zen about the whole thing, thanks to Lexapro and knowledge that our retirement accounts are still being maxed out, we have an emergency fund, this was all “extra” investments. DH is devastated and shame-spiraling because he ignored basically everyone’s advice with respect to that particular investment, and I’m not looking to pile on by any means (plus I can only blame myself for not taking a more active role in our investments).

    1. I mean sounds like he deliberately hid this from you so glad he feels ashamed.

    2. Oof I know you don’t want a pile on, but this looks like it’s skating pretty close to a financial infidelity issue. You shouldn’t have to be scrutinizing your investments for ridiculousness like this, and he shouldn’t be shady about it. You most certainly do not have only yourself to blame.

       1. +1. It seems like any $85k investment should be approved by both partners, and not require you to scrutinize the investments in order to know about something like that. Don’t blame yourself! It sounds like maybe you had a completely hands-off, you-do-you approach before, but I’d advise sitting down and having a clear conversation about boundaries and finances with your DH. Ask that both parties know about any large investment or purchase going forward, and that there is enthusiastic buy-in from all sides before any decisions are made.

          Sorry about this situation! Hope you recover some of the funds.

    3. I haven’t followed that exchange specifically but as a bankruptcy lawyer, I can tell you that unless your specific funds were sitting in a trust instrument with this exchange so that they are not co mingled with anyone else’s funds, which would be extremely rare and a specific contract your DH would have had to ask for, which they may not ever grant a retail investor anyway, you will be treated as general unsecured creditors. Recovery will be anywhere from 10 cents on the $ to something like 60 cents if you’re super lucky; to be honest these companies will be closer to 10-20 cents on the dollar because it’s not like they have hard assets like buildings or manufacturing equipment that can be sold in bankruptcy. Sorry. And I’m sure you know now but talking about investments is not enough, I think you need a spreadsheet or some kind of app that lists out every single investment so both you and DH know exactly were all money is at all times.

    4. Holy crap this would be marriage ending for me.

21. I’m curious what other people would do with this item. I have a 100+ year old purse that belonged to my great-great grandmother. It’s in good condition, but to my knowledge isn’t the sort of antique that is worth anything. Part of me feel like it should be tucked away in a drawer and pulled out on occasion to admire, but not otherwise used, so that one day my children and grandchildren can have it. The other part of me feels like it should be used – obviously not as an everyday item, but on special occasions at least. What would you do?

    1. If I used it I’d do so sparingly like to places people would actually care to see it like family weddings from that side of the family. I would not just take it out in public generally because I was going to some friend’s wedding or party. YMMV but I wouldn’t want to risk it being damaged or stolen since it has sentimental value.

    2. I am not running a museum. I would absolutely use it as often as possible. I’d be careful with it but using it is the best.

    3. Mine is in the drawer, waiting to be thrown in the trash or given to Goodwill when I die. Maybe at some point it will have a fashion moment but until then, there it sits.

    4. I have a theory about the useful life of heirlooms, based on my great-grandmother’s milking bench. An heirloom is only meaningful if you know the person who used it a little bit. The milking bench means something to my dad because it belonged to his grandmother, who he remembers fondly, but whom none of the rest of us met. It was rickety when I was a kid, but it worked for the dog to stand on while we brushed her, and so we used it and gave it new life, and it could mean something to our descendants based on that, although it’s not really functional as a bench anymore. Similarly, my sister has our grandmother’s 50s Coach purse and carries it to work once in a while, so it has use and new life.

       I’d use it occasionally so that your children and grandchildren can have memories of it associated with you, not with the great x3 or x4 grandmother they have no conception of. Or allow it to be a special-occasion part of the dress-up box?

       1. Such a good point, Vicky.

          I posted below about my mom’s dessert plates – her grandparents died before she was born so they’re not sentimental to us but are still fun to use. And, we both love history so it’s just very cool to be using plates that are 100 years old!

          I have a few knickknacks from my grandparents that aren’t worth anything aside from sentimental value which I use. I also have some jewelry (or rather, my mom has some jewelry that eventually I’ll have) and china from my grandmother that I don’t use only because I am not living a life where fabulous jewels and china are needed (nor is my apartment big enough to store it), but eventually I’ll have a house and have friends over for dinner and I will absolutely break out the china just because.

          Funny you mention a stool – my parents ended up with the wooden step stool that was always in my grandparents kitchen. It’s nothing special, and my parents just keep in in their pantry to be used as a step stool, but every time I’m visiting and I see it,I baking brownies with my grandmother (which happened approximately once – we were very close but neither of us liked to bake – but it’s a strong memory I have and I always smile seeing the stool). But, unless my parents make good stool memories with my future kids, then the sentimentality of the stool will die with me and my sisters :)

          1. Yes! Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s sentimental, but it’s not about the thing as much as the person/people attached to it. Your wooden stepstool is the perfect example.

       2. I love this point! No one who had it before me ever seems to have used it or even shown it to me prior to it being given to me, and that makes me kind of sad. I want it to be appreciated. I’m so glad to see so many responses saying to use it!

    5. I vote use. Take good care of it and maybe your kids can still use it.

    6. I’m waiting for phones to get small enough again so I can use my great grandmother’s clutch. I vote use.

    7. I use or toss the old inherited things. I’m not precious with it, dishes and silver go in the dishwasher, furs are worn (I prefer with jeans and a blouse in winter), jewelry is part of my daily look, etc. I don’t believe in preserving things for later. Later may never arrive. I also don’t have kids and doubt my nieces will be as excited about this stuff as I am. TL/DR, use the purse.

       1. +1. My 8P year old aunt told me she finally decided life is too short and she’s going to use lol her fancy china everyday because no one else will want it anyway and I was so happy for her and also sad that she went this long only letting it out for special occasions.

          1. 80 year old.

             1. I knew what you meant but I liked the mental image of a preternaturally wise 8 year old.

       2. +1. Life is short, you’re not running a museum, and your descendants may or may not want these items. I vote to use the bag on occasion, but also to find a leatherworker who can help you maintain/patch the bag as needed.

          My mom has her great (or great-great, I can’t remember) grandmother’s dessert plates from the ’10s/’20s. They’re 100 years old. They’re not any of our tastes, but they’re a cool thing to have nonetheless. She uses them almost every time she hosts people for dinner (even like just my parents and another couple). She even puts them in the dishwasher. She’s been doing this for about 15 years (since she inherited them) and not one has broken yet. I will probably get them one day and will use them like my mom does; there’s very, very few items I like enough to keep but not use.

          Every time I got to Goodwill, there are several full china sets there… You just know it was someone’s grandma’s china that only got pulled out on rare occasions, grandma has passed, and now it’s at goodwill.

    8. I’m surprised to hear a purse from the 1920s would even fit modern needs. Can you describe it? I’m fascinated.

       1. Not the OP, but I have a very old silver mesh purse, probably from the 1920s that I have used to go to weddings, etc. It’s small and won’t fit a very large iPhone (abut fits mine) and mostly holds a lipstick and a credit card but I like to use it once in a while. You can google ‘silver mesh purse vintage’ to get an idea of how it looks.

          1. Hah, I just replied below that I have the same. These were apparently quite popular!

       2. It wouldn’t be wildly practical, but I could see myself using it as a clutch. It’s a pretty floral tapestry design, and the latch is engraved with her name and the date she received it (in 1920!). The inside has a pocket for a matching mirror that would work for holding a credit card and it’s just big enough to hold a phone and a lipstick but not much else! In our fast-fashion environment, I am just fascinated by the idea of valuing a purse so much as to engrave it, which is part of what draws me towards (carefully) using it.

          1. That sounds so, so lovely. Maybe you could use it as a wallet, inside a daily driver tote bag?

          2. It sounds so nice. I’d use it for occasions, but I wouldn’t let it knock around in my giant tote – maybe I’m just a careless person, but I’m pretty sure it would get destroyed in there. Overall, though, I agree with using it, and it’s what the original owner would have wanted you to do.

             My ex husband’s grandmother was an embroiderer, and when she died we got bunch of embroidered linens no one else wanted. Husband and I were just starting out and we didn’t really have a lot of the basics, so we used them! Some got new stains, a couple of tea towels just disintegrated, but if we hadn’t taken them, I think they would have gone to goodwill or something. I like to think his grandma would have enjoyed the fact that we were using them.

    9. I have one of these that I use on special occasions, mainly because it’s really a special occasion rather than everyday purse–it’s, for lack of a better description, a silver chainmail purse from 1915. And barely fits a modern cell phone. I agree with the “I’m not running a museum” sentiment and use my inherited objects. (Though I do have some other old beadwork/metal purses with no sentimental value that my grandmother collected that I have pondered if some museum somewhere might want. Anyone know of any Americana museum of decorative arts somewhere in this country that might want them?)

    10. use it!!

    11. What about displaying it? And then you can also use it for special occasions.

    12. I’m team Use It. Better not use it because you wore it out, than not use it at all.

22. I need to talk about happy things for once. So what is the next thing everyone is looking forward to whether this summer or later in the year or whenever?

    1. We just finally rebooked a trip that was cancelled right at the start of the pandemic and I am very excited about it, even if a little bit nervous.

       1. We have fireflies in our new backyard! They bring me so much joy

          1. Oh lovely! I used to live out in the boonies – driving through the woods at night with thousands of lightning bugs on both sides is incredible.

    2. leaving on Sunday for an almost 3 week vacation. we are traveling with two young kids, so it is more trip than vacation, but looking forward to cooler weather (we live in the south) and spending time at the beach/pool

    3. We’re going to Glacier NP at the end of the summer! It’s one where I had to book lodging a year in advance, so I’m super excited. Planning my “training hikes” between now and then so I can do the hikes I want without dying.

    4. A close friend is visiting me for the first time at my new place in August, I’m learning how to bicycle with no hands on the handlebars, and my mom and I are planning a special destination trip together in the fall.

    5. We just locked down an apartment in our new city that’s in a fantastic location, yesterday I applied for a job that’s almost exactly what I’d been doing before, and one of my friends who’d been trying to get pregnant for a couple years is now at 16 weeks :)

       1. Hooray for new life things lining up!! and good thoughts to your friend. :)

    6. We have a surprising amount of travel planned for the remainder of the year, and I’m looking so forward to each trip!

    7. Right now, the apricots on our neighbor’s tree are ripe and wonderful, and he shares the short-lived bounty.

    8. We have our annual trip to the beach later this month and I cannot wait!

    9. I just started studying a new language in preparation for a big trip to Europe next year!
       And finally got running shoes to fit my weird feet and started running again <3

23. Repost since yesterday I was in mod forever…

    Can we talk about how you date as a higher-earning woman? I have spent most of the last decade single. I am a high-ish earner, a big saver, and not fixated on a potential partner’s finances. I say yes to almost every man that asks me out. Historically my dates make between 25-50% of what I do. This has not been an issue for me. But it becomes an issue, as they look to move into my (nicer) home, suggest expensive experiences that they expect me to pay for (but that I would not desire myself), etc. In 15 years of dating 80% of my “boyfriends” have asked me to lend them money (like, thousands), sometimes after 1-2 years of dating. I break up with all these guys because financial compatibility is important to me.

    I’d happily partner up with a teacher who could live within his means. Either such men do not exist or they are not into me.

    Does anybody have strategies to avoid being used? Or to find self-sufficient men? Again I am not a big spender, but it feels like my profession kind of “marks” me as a higher earner, and/or eventually I have to disclose that I own rental properties (for example, I have to take a phone call about a property in his presence after 6 months of dating) and then everything starts to go downhill…

    I am child-free and too old to become a mom at this point. So no guy is going to earn his keep by caring for our children.

    1. A couple first thoughts:

       1) Aim to date people in similar level careers as you with income over a certain amount (they should be able to support whatever lifestyle they want on their own).
       2) Don’t pay for dates for the first couple of months. In cities like NY and LA, it’s often expected etiquette for the guy to pay anyway. Don’t disrupt this pattern even though you may make more money.
       3) Set an expectation early on about money. Maybe during the initial defining the relationship conversation, you can ask them how they view finances in a relationship. You can communicate that you want to keep finances separate and would never support a partner financially or lend them money.

       Honestly, I think you can communicate early on that you wouldn’t support a partner or lend money to them. The earlier that you communicate that, the sooner you filter out anyone who may see dollar signs when they hear about your title. Setting boundaries and communicating expectations as early as possible is huge.

       1. Also, another huge thing that strikes me from your post: Do not say yes to everyone who asks you out! This could very well be your big issue. It should be an enormous privilege to have your time and go on a date with you. You have a finite number of hours in this lifetime, and a finite number of men you can go on dates with. If you filter out early, you can make sure that that finite number is full of men you are excited about that have already proven themselves to you as being decent guys (hopefully). If you’re saying yes to everyone, it’s way more likely that that finite number is getting gunked up with a bunch of users or people who haven’t been filtered out. You’re probably getting a sample size that’s reflective of the general population of guys and unfortunately the general population of guys is full of schmucks and unkind people who seem fine at first glance.

          Think of it this way: Maybe 1% of guys are compatible with you. If you don’t filter out early on, you have to go on 100 dates to find that one. If you do filter, maybe you can go on 5 or 10 to find that one.

          Saying yes to everyone is a sure-fire way to get enmeshed in all sorts of nonsense. Set boundaries, be extremely selective, and vet people thoroughly (don’t give anyone the benefit of the doubt – they should prove that they are kind and conscientious. These attributes are rare and shouldn’t be presumed).

    2. I was married to a teacher a long time ago, and I was the high earner, but I didn’t expect him to live within his means while we were married. I feel like at some point, if you are really going to partner up with somebody, it’s reasonable to share what you have. For example, if the relationship is such that moving in together makes sense, I do think it’s reasonable to expect to move into the nicer home rather than the less nice home. That’s what my husband and I did when we got married — I moved into his home because it was bigger and nicer.

       Again, if you are an established couple, maybe it’s okay to suggest, say, a fancy vacation as a treat. If you don’t like fancy vacations, then maybe the issue is that you are not compatible on that level. If you were a fancy-vacation lover, maybe you would be delighted to treat your beloved so he could share the experience. So that’s less a financial issue than a lifestyle compatibility issue, but you are sensitive to the money thing so it’s easy for you to interpret it as a money thing.

       Asking for a loan, however, is not good. I loaned a boyfriend money to buy a car once and never got paid back and I was SO MAD about it the whole time. I’m still mad about it. And I was so dumb I went ahead and married him (not the teacher, the other one) so don’t be me.

       Apart from that, I’d suggest looking at older, more established men with money of their own. And yes, as someone said above, vet ruthlessly. And be upfront about how you are not Team What’s Mine is Ours.

       1. Omg I also loaned a boyfriend money for a car!!!! Thank you SO much for posting this, Senior Attorney! If I am in company with Senior Attorney, I can forgive myself:)

          Agree re: sharing with a committed partner. I won’t repeat my post above, but one bf that hadn’t even proposed wanted me to put his name on the title of a property I bought. If we were married? Sure! But not if you’re the low energy and entitled bf.

          1. Oh my goodness. No. No sharing property while dating.

             And fooey on the car boyfriends!!

       2. I learned a long time ago that when someone asks me for money I can either give it to them or not give it to them. I will never lend anyone money with any expectation of getting it back. It puts too much of a strain on a relationship. So I have given money to a BF to try to help save a business but I put it out of my head immediately and never ever spoke of it again, even when we were arguing about whether he loved/liked me and he asked “What do you think I am getting out of this?” Same goes for family. The money is given and never ever mentioned again in any context. My life is much better this way.

          1. Yes, I learned that lesson from Car Boyfriend. No more loans, ever. Gifts or nothing.

    3. Honestly it sounds like you’re picking the wrong guys. The money isn’t the issue necessarily.

       1. I agree with this.

       2. And that OP may want to work on setting and enforcing boundaries.

    4. This may be a silly question, but why not just limit yourself to those who are in roughly the same place in life that you are, in terms of income or wealth? When I was dating, I eliminated all the independently wealthy guys because I thought they would expect me to quit working eventually. Many of them did make comments to that effect within the first two dates, which confirmed we were not a match. Just because the genders are flipped doesn’t mean it’s any less of a legitimate reason to eliminate dating partners.

       The one detail that you included that makes me pause is that you don’t want them to move in with you even after significant time spent dating. Most partners want to cohabitate one day, and if you are continually telling people that you don’t plan to do that, you are eliminating most people who might otherwise have the qualities you want in a partner. The single best way to be a big saver is to move in with a partner and share housing expenses, after all.

       1. Because except for co-workers, I have not found ONE man in 10 years that is “in my place in life” and single. Zero.

          I am not dating someone that I see every day in the office.

          1. I would think about hiring a professional matchmaker if I were you.

    5. I feel like my world is full of men like this (men who make 60ish-100ish, but have no issues living within their means). I run in circles with a lot of public defenders, ADAs, non-profit attorneys (SPLC, ACLU, NAACP) and folks in Higher Ed. Maybe the key is that these men could have definitely had higher paying careers but picked something they were passionate about. Their jobs definitely require them to be grown-ups, but they aren’t out there looking for some sort of golden ticket.

24. Has anyone done either Botox or electrolysis for underarm sweating? I think I’m at the age where this might be worth it, having ruined one nice shirt after another from sweating at work under just normal stress levels.

    1. I just did Botox for underarm sweating last month. Within 2 days, no more sweat. It’s nothing short of a miracle IMO. Doctor said it would last 6-8 months, so we’ll see.

    2. In case you are still reading, try Certain Dri before you jump to Botox or electrolysis. If it doesn’t work for you, then go for those. I sweat daily and if I use Certain Dri once, I’m good for at least a week, sometimes two. When I was a teen, I used daily for a few years, but I have been able to drop off to this rate.

    3. I don’t know if laser is also supposed to help with sweating but just adding a vote that no it does not. (but 15 years later I still only shave my armpits 2-3 times a year so it was worth it.)

25. Between the Where Is Your Second Home and Tell Me About Your Country Club posts, I feel like a complete outsider today. Anyone else?

    1. Yup.

    2. +1

    3. Yeah. Every post today.
       But I also get that manay many of the posters here would say, without taking a breath, “Then you are not an overachiever and have no business being here.”

       1. Wut? I am a high earner whose bf has a CC membership and I would never think this about other posters. I happened to be born into a socioeconomic place that absolutely gave me a leg up and chose and lucked out in my career path. I am the highest earner by $75k-100k+ in my friend group and I love them and respect them all as equals.

       2. There are many work and life achievements that are not measured in $$$$. I feel like most people here would endorse that idea.

    4. LOL, I grew up in a blue collar family and I have a fine, but not lucrative, government job but grew up going to private school (100% scholarship), with a family vacation house (purchased by my great-grandparents for virtually nothing and still rent it out most of the summer to pay for its upkeep), and belonging to a low-level golf club (and the neighborhood community pool). I have spent my whole life straddling these two worlds…

    5. 1000%.

    6. Ha! Fair enough, and yes, now that I think of it that way. This s*te is what it is, and I enjoy it regardless.

       I did have to go on Health Care Worker Reddit for a while during Covid because I couldn’t identify with anything else on the internet at all.

    7. A little bit.

       But for whatever it’s worth, the country club people that I know are not my type of people, so it’s probably for the best that I’m not interested! The second house, on the other hand …

    8. Ha! Fair enough, and yes, now that I think of it that way. This s*te is what it is, and I enjoy it regardless.

       I did have to go on Health Care Worker Redd it for a while during Covid because I couldn’t identify with anything else on the internet at all.

    9. Yes – plus all the questions about marrying for money are very foreign to me.

       1. Those are way more foreign to me than the country club or vacation home. I can fairly easily imagine what it would be like to have enough money for those. I can’t imagine putting up with a douche just for his money.

    10. Uh, I thought those were imaginary second homes. Mine certainly was.

    11. I’m not a country club person because in my area the members are very conservative as to politics and religion and I am not. Just not my people. As to a second home, two years ago I would have told you I’m not that kind of person either. I’m related to a lot of people who are, but I’m not. And then I saw a good deal on a condo in a city that I love. So now I’m a single person with two houses, a state of being that was pretty close to unimaginable to me just a couple of years ago. I’m telling y’all this because I want you to not put artificial limitations on yourself. Drawing lines around yourself based on your values and knowing who you are – good. Drawing other lines that you think you dare not cross – don’t limit yourself like that.

    12. Is it that different from the regular posts discussing $300 pairs of shoes or bags or fancy resorts? I skip these but there is usually something that I care about being discussed on any given day.

        1. Are you seriously asking whether buying a $300 pair of shoes is the same as a $50k+ country club membership or a. $250k+ second home?

           1. They are the same in how relevant they are to me when reading here (which is zero). I don’t plan on purchasing either of these in the foreseeable future, and therefore I skip the discussions on these topics and focus on other threads when coming here.

           2. Well they’re all out of reach for me.

           3. Do you not see the correlation between somebody who can afford a $300 pair of shoes and also a $50k country club?

              1. For me, they’re inversely correlated. If I make a habit of buying $300 shoes, I will never be able to afford a country club membership or a second home. But then again, I don’t come from unlimited wealth. I’m not planning on a country club membership, but I hold out hope that someday we’ll be able to swing a cabin in our favorite vacation area. (But honestly, I’d probably put it at less than 50%)

    13. Yes. I make in a year what some people here probably make in their annual bonus!

26. How much do you factor someone’s finances when dating? I have a few friends whose moms never had to work because they married well. Think: tens of millions of dollars in houses, got to spend their dates cooking cute recipes. Is it worth it to look for high-earning guys when dating to set yourself up for that? Like finance guys, etc.

    I feel like a lot of those types of guys that I’ve met have had ego issues, been bad at gardening, not the deepest or most interesting. Yet it seems to have worked for some other women. Interested to hear thoughts…

    1. I mean only you can figure out your priorities and what trade offs you want to make.

       1. This.

    2. There are exceptions to rules and stereotypes for a reason. I was personally never willing to try to sort through that genre of men to find the exception to the rule. I’m sure they’re out there. I also value my own career and wouldn’t ever have been happy having kids or making cute recipes or whatever. You gotta figure out what matters to you.

    3. I consider finances, sure, in the sense that I would want to marry someone with a career (whether that’s a trade or a white collar job, it truly does not matter to me). A multimillionaire finance/tech bro? No thank you.

    4. I mean, finances are a major source of marital strife so it makes sense to pay attention to it in dating, but more in the “are we on the same page?” sense instead of the “only dating guys who can buy me tens of millions of dollars in houses “ way. You can marry for money, but you need to be aware that in exchange for the money, they’re expecting something from you, and that’s likely that you are young, extremely attractive, well-manicured, and will stay that way. And since you won’t be young forever, be prepared for the divorce.

       I ended up marrying a rich guy. I didn’t seek him out for his money (I know he made a lot, but not how much until we were serious.) Wealthy men generally either don’t want fortune-hunters or are looking for trophy wives.

       1. I have a friend who is very wealthy (lots of family money and does very, very well himself). He married a woman from an equally wealthy family – they both grew up with trusts and they both choose to work, they don’t have to.

          When he was dating, he was always that the woman he was dating was only with him for his money… and then he met his wife who has just as much money as he does. They fell in love for other non-money reasons (they’ve been happily married for about 30 years now), but knowing that she wasn’t after his money was definitely a factor early on.

    5. There are women I know who are happily married to very wealthy men. They are all very smart women and their husbands genuinely value them. Their husbands know that if they had a stroke or died, their wives would very competently get a job and handle things. Really, their husbands see their income as family income, not as ego-feeding.

       Then there’s the “little lady needs to stay at home or work for pin money” types. Some of the wives actually hate working and enjoy the status that comes with their husbands’ careers – status they would not be able to, nor want to, replicate on their own. Sometimes their wives are actually quite miserable because they know deep down that their husbands don’t respect them. Or they just like living a really traditional life and get weird – like they think men and women shouldn’t be friends, berate their newlywed friends to quit their jobs, etc.

    6. As long as they can self support (and support their kids), our general approach to finances line up, and we won’t nickel and dime each other, how much miney they make/have is not a big factor for me. I make plenty of money and don’t need someone else’s.

    7. Everyone has their own problems, and I don’t just mean run-of-the-mill possibility of divorce. Some of those men had to relocate across the country for work or had unpredictable schedules such that mom had to be available 24/7. Other couples experience infertility or have a child with special needs. There may be expectations that you achieve a certain number of biological children since money isn’t a limitation or maintain a certain weight. And since most of that gets hidden from kids, I would try not to base my relationship choices on rosy childhood memories.

    8. I *personally* have never seen a marriage in which only the husband works and I see him treating his wife as an equal. I floated this observation to my mom, who is a traditionalist in many ways, and she actually agreed. I do think this is probably gender-specific, but I don’t know any couples in which only the wife works so I can’t compare.

       I’ve also heard many SAHMs of different generations expressing frustration and regret with the choice, including 2 of my friends’ moms who urged their daughters to make their own money (unlike themselves). To me it was very telling that a mom would tell her daughter not to do what she had done.

       1. I agree with this. I was a stay-at-home wife/mom for the first 10 years of my marriage due to circumstances out of my control, and though my husband is generally a progressive guy and certainly a loving husband, he fell into the typical patriarch role without noticing. He began micromanaging me on household and child-related decisions and became fairly controlling about money. Much of this was related to the burden of being solely responsible for our finances and the worry that we were vulnerable to a financial catastrophe if we didn’t exercise enough care. Unfortunately, these stressors on him manifested in a lack of respect and trust in me. It was very tough on our marriage, especially as that was not the relationship I signed on to in the beginning.

          When circumstances settled, I resumed my prior career earning roughly the same as him and he has relaxed so much. Still, he’s having to unlearn some of the habits he developed– in particular, overseeing my spending. While I wasn’t bringing in income I tended to avoid money fights by just giving into him but I’m now unwilling to be managed in that way. I wish I had put up better boundaries earlier in our marriage so this issue weren’t so present now.

          And I too would advise newly married women to think hard before bowing completely out of their careers. Making your own money is psychologically so important in a marriage, even when all property is shared evenly, because it can help you feel like you’re on equal footing with your spouse, rather than feel like a dependent.

    9. I find one of the best things about earning more money than I need is that it frees me up to date and potentially partner with anyone I choose. I guess I look at this whole thing in the opposite way from the majority of this board who want to be sure their lifestyle isn’t impeded by marrying an average earner who will become a mooch. Of course their character and attitude towards money would matter but I love that I don’t have to date the finance guy or the gunner from law school who is terrible in bed, an a-hole, and probably embezzling from someone in some fashion or hang out with any of the people who that guy socializes with.

    10. One of the major upsides of making my own money is that I don’t have to prioritize dating men with money. I can date who I like! As other posters have noted, there may be other issues and it’s all a balance, but I’m glad that I can focus generally on the person and not the money.

27. This is kind of gross but does anyone else feel like sweating begets more sweating? This seems to happen to me when I get into a new workout: I’ve been lazy for months, then I start some new super hard routine and manage work up a sweat again. But then I’m sweating all. the. time. Not just when working out. Like I walk up a flight of stairs – which I could do without breaking a sweat when I was being a couch potato! – and I’m a hot mess. I should be in better shape not worse! It’s like my body forgot how to sweat for months then I reminded it how to do the thing and now it’s so excited to sweat all the time. Does this happen to anyone else? Is there anything I can do about it?

    1. Yes. I dated an endurance athlete once and this is a thing. It’s actually a good sign that your body is being efficient (or something, I can’t remember) but I had to get used to sweaty s3x!

       1. Yep. I always sweat more when I am in better shape. Annoying! Haha

28. Proud of myself today. I accepted a fantastic new job offer and successfully negotiated for higher pay. I’m so glad I asked!

    1. Woo hoo!! Yay for you!!

    2. Great job!!

    3. Way to freaking go!!! The very best feeling. Enjoy.

    4. You go!

    5. AMAZING!!! Well done you!!!

    6. Kudos to you! That’s awesome.

29. I’m the anon who posted a few weeks ago about dating a great guy but suffering from long term (6+ months) debilitating relationship anxiety/seconding guessing/doubts about a long term life together. We broke up last night–it was really brutal but ultimately ended amicably. He couldn’t have been kinder or more understanding about it, which obviously just contributes to my sadness and confusion. I do feel it was the right thing to do but man, does it hurt right now.

    I’d appreciate any success stories people might have about breaking up with someone who was great but just not right for you, and going on to find someone great AND right for you later on.

    1. Can I ask – why did you break up? That would be helpful in offering insight.

       1. Persistent doubt/anxiety about the relationship that was kind of ruining my life. Some of it is certainly mental health related, and I was in therapy for months trying to figure it out but never felt like it really went anywhere. He is an amazing guy but there was just something in the back of my brain saying that this ultimately wasn’t right for me.

          1. That makes sense! I feel like when I look back on past relationships I had like that (usually they were short-term), I was trying to force myself into it because the guy was nice or good-on-paper and I felt like I should just will myself to fall in love with him. When I look back, there were more subtle cues that I was missing. Things like: good-natured but didn’t intuit emotional nuances, loyal/devoted but came from a place of insecurity, etc.

             Not sure if this is your situation, but I think women get tons of implicit messaging that we’re selfish or dumb for not just anchoring ourselves to anyone who’s kind and devoted, even if we’re ultimately not compatible.

             My boyfriend now is someone I feel 110% super grateful for every single day and I have no doubts about him. If I’d stuck it out with anyone who is good-but-not-great I wouldn’t have found him.

             You will find your person and it’s good you are doing what is best for you!! Also, there was an Alyssa Shelasky essay in the Cut recently you should read about a similar story. “How to End it All” or something like that. You should read it!

          2. I was in a year long relationship with a great guy – treated me well, had a wonderful family, and we had such good chemistry. I had nothing bad to say about him, except that i was constantly thinking about how it wasn’t right and how the longer i was in it, the harder it was to get out. I broke up with him, it felt absolutely horrible, and later on (several years later, after lots of dating) i found the guy that was right for me. I didn’t have to doubt it or feel like i was ready to run…that’s how i knew!

          3. I think it’s amazing that you listened to your gut. Clearly, something was off, even if it wasn’t immediately obvious.

          4. This sounds like me last summer. I really liked the guy, but I turned into an anxious mess during our time together. I had to return to therapy and my doctor advised medication. Turns out my body was telling me that something wasn’t right.
             We broke up and shortly after I met a great guy who I have been seeing for nine months. The anxiety is completely gone. Last summer I would have described my attachment style as anxious-avoidant, but now I consider it secure. It’s hard to pinpoint the difference, other than that my current partner is much more communicative and our styles seem to gel better. It has made all the difference.

    2. I’m the person who posted above about trusting your gut even if you can’t put your finger on what’s bothering you. What you describe has happened to me and pretty much all of my friends at some point in dating. Something isn’t clicking, something is off, but because he has X Y Z great traits we twist ourselves in knots and let others convince us that we’re the problem. You even went to therapy! You’re not the problem. That feeling you had is a feature not a flaw. Trust your gut. When you find the right person you will not have debilitating anxiety about whether he is right for you.

    3. So sorry this happened!! Break ups are tough. I hope that you can do some self care today and in the coming days. Sending you hugs!

    4. I dated a great guy for several years. Ultimately we weren’t the right people for each other and couldn’t make it work. He’s smart, genuinely kind, thoughtful, supportive, athletic, an absurdly good cook, and successful (not investment-banker successful, more “keeps getting promoted at his steady job” successful). Breaking up was hard. I felt like a failure – if I couldn’t make it work with someone like that, how would I ever have a functional relationship?

       I met my husband a year later.

30. A lighthearted question to help distract from the persistent feeling that I’m living in the darkest timeline. What perfumes are you wearing these days (if at all)? What kind of scents are you drawn to?

    For summer, I’ve been sampling lighter/cirtrusy fragrances and recently really enjoyed Imaginary Authors’ Falling into the Sea; it was both salty and fruity in a really fun way!

    1. While you are perusing perfumes you might want to listen to an audiobook on history. I know there are bad things happening, but “the darkest timeline”? Really?

       1. Did you miss the part about “persistent feeling”?

          1. Uh, no.

       2. LOL will do gramps

    2. Ooohhh this is my kind of question!

       I have an enormous library of scents but I narrow it down to a few for each season. My perfume tray currently holds:

       Atelier Cologne Pomelo Paradis (my #1 for summer)
       Escentric Molecules 01 + Mandarin
       Guerlain Aqua Allegoria Manadarine + Basilic
       Chloe Chloe Rose + Tangerine
       Le Labo Fleur d’Oranger
       Zara Fleur d’ Oranger
       Goutal Un Matin d’Orage (#1 year round)
       Goutal Nuit et Confidences (night time/date)
       Jo Malone Blackberry & Bay

       Please post again on the Pm thread if you don’t get many responses here!

       1. You have excellent taste!

          1. Thank you!

       2. I love Atelier Cologne! They are getting harder and harder to find in North America. Orange scents are wonderful but I always find they have no staying power on me.

          1. Oh zero staying power. I have a travel size at my desk (WFH). But I find layering with the Escentric molecules 01 (iso e super) helps a bit, as well as spraying on well-moisturized skin.

             Atelier Cologne withdrew from the US in early 2022. I’m very sad about it! But they say they’ll be back and better than ever in the future so we’ll see. They’d better not discontinue my favorites – I also really like Clementine California, Bois Blond, and the very popular Orange Sanguine.

          2. Oh, and another idea. Nest makes a Seville Orange perfume oil that has waaaay more staying power. They sell it at Sephora. It’s also lovely for layering.

    3. Also, I love Imaginary Authors. I have their sample library and ordered A Whiff of Waffle Cone, which is against type for me. Not a summery perfume but so delicious for cooler weather. I want to eat my wrist.

       I also really like their Fox in the Flowerbed, and Telegrama.

    4. Love seeing everyone’s answers here! My rotation is:

       Everyday: Parle Moi de Parfum ‘Chypre Mojo’. Woodsy and a little fruity. This one is my “signature scent” and what I wear 99% of the time on weekdays, regardless of time of day.
       Night time: Caroline Herrera ‘Good Girl’ for sexy, Tocca ‘Cleopatra’ for elegant
       Day time fancy: Giorgio Armani ‘Acqua di Gio Profundo’. This is a cologne but it wears very unisex. I prefer woodsy/”oriental” (bleh) scents so I dip into colognes a lot. I’ll wear this if I’m going out to brunch or a day time event that’s more formal than just a hang out.

       1. I am going to try a sample of the Parle Moi. I love a modern Chypre!

    5. I just got back from the UK, so I am very into Penhaligon and Ormonde Jayne! Both have discovery kits you can order to try samples. My favorites are Penhaligon: Luna, Empressa, and The Favorite; Ormonde Jayne: Frangipani and Damask.

       1. Ormonde Jayne Frangipani is so pretty. I also love their Champaca fragrance. Will have to try Damask.

       2. I would love to get into a Penhaligon and try everything, or everything I can before my nose gives out. I had a wonderful experience at Goutal Paris.

          I’ve never warmed to Ormonde Jayne. Spicy is not my thing but rock on if it’s yours!!

          1. I want to visit the Penhaligon store in London. Bucket list for sure!

    6. I like Creed’s Virgin Island Water. It’s a unisex fragrance that makes me think of a limey gin and tonic in a tropical setting. Thank goodness I have an office at the end of the hall where no one sees me unless they are coming specifically to see me, because I probably look like a freak sniffing my wrist with my eyes rolled back in my head, but this fragrance just transports me to instant split second vacation. On a sweeter note, I also like Jo Malone’s Nectarine Blossom and Honey. Like other Jo Malone fragrances it doesn’t have a lot of staying power. The Creed one, on the other hand, needs to be scrubbed off at night.

    7. Chanel Chance (floral). It feels sophisticated but still young and puts a smile on my face every morning. First perfume I’ve worn regularly since college!

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