Thursday’s Workwear Report: The Perfect Tie-Waist Top

319 Comments

1. Picking up somewhat on the Nap Dress/Sue Sartor dresses thread from yesterday. What are we wearing to daytime non-work events these days? My spring is packed with a different one every weekend. (FWIW, I am too busty for nap dresses)

   1. FWIW – if you otherwise like nap dresses, some of the styles are bra-friendly. I wear real bras or bral-ttes with the Ellie style.

      last year my non-ruffly go-to was cropped flare navy linen pants and a colorful top. easy to make more morning or evening depending on accessories – flats vs. espadrilles vs. sandals, slinky cami vs. silky blouse vs. cotton shell or sweater, etc.

      1. I really like this idea because for whatever reason, dresses tend to feel very occasion-specific for me.

      2. I have a large chest and wear a bra with the Ellie. I’m an apple/hourglass and the smocking up top with the flowy skirt is actually perfect for me

      3. Yes, my non ruffle strategy is very similar: my go to pants are Anthropologie Collette Maeve cropped wide legs For warm weather I have the linen blend, I have a couple of colors —get the slightly crisper hand ones, the silky ones wrinkle and the black Ponte version with a cute top; for winter I’m wearing the corduroy version with a cropped cardigan, cropped sweater, etc. Taller ankle boots, loafers, sneakers, fisherman sandals as weather and occasion dictate. Always get compliments!

   2. I actually think nap dresses and other HH dresses are great for big busts.

      1. OP here. This is likely personal preference, but I often feel that smocked dresses and tops read too “costume” when you’re very curvy.

         1. +1 I’m another busty woman and I feel like a tavern wench in smocked bodices. It’s not that it’s a bad look, necessarily, I just don’t feel comfortable.

            1. Me too! Perfect way to put it!

            2. Yeah, the smocking emphasizes my size by hugging the under side of my bust. Probably not flattering to anyone who has larger or smaller bust than the your ideal.

         2. That’s funny, but I’m very slim with a small bust, and I feel like dresses like that make me look like a little girl playing dress up.

            1. This. And it tends to emphasize how flat my chest is as well as how full my lower half is. Lose/lose.

      2. Really? I have a big bust and hate them.

         1. And I have a big bust and love them! We all get to like different things.

         2. Maybe shoulder width plays a role. I have narrow shoulders but am busty and find that smocking emphasizes the bustiness. Maybe if you are broader shouldered the smocking works better for you.

            1. Broad-shouldered and tall: Those ruffled wings are a hard no.

      3. Smocking emphasizes the bust and if you’re big busted to begin with it’s not usually something you’re trying to emphasize. It also makes you look heavier than you are, IMO.

         1. I commented up top but I think the smocking is ideal for avoiding the illusion of heaviness that busts can cause on women with large cups/small bands.

            1. OP. I find it emphasize the size differential. I have a 25-inch waist and narrow shoulders but am very busty. I feel like the smocking leaves nothing to the imagination.

   3. Shirt dresses or cargoes.

   4. I personally don’t think they’re in the same category of you look at the offerings, I love SS and can’t wear Hill House. SS is expensive but goes on sale of you’re patient although they just had a big one.

   5. In CLT and I wear my SS midi dresses to work (casual law office) and elsewhere. Hides my chin run shorts better than other dress shapes on me. Would be cold in a nap dress.

      1. In CA and I wear SS to work too.

         1. That is . . . wild. wow.

            1. ? Why is that wild?

         2. I’m in the Bay Area and have never seen anyone wearing that type of dress to work.

            1. I suspect this is very industry-dependent – but also they are warm weather dresses and in the city itself it is rarely that warm! I have seen them quite often in East Bay in the summer.

      2. Eek — Thigh Society type chub rub shorts.

   6. It’s basic but I wear a lot of Lilly Pulitzer and Tuckernuck for weekend events. They are generally bra friendly, accomodate midlife size changes and washable (many also have pockets!!).

      1. I wear the Lilly golf dresses a LOT in the summer. They are in a wicking fabric, have pockets, don’t wrinkle or need ironing, and come with anti chub rub undershorts. I don’t actually golf, but they help me look cute and not wilty in the summer humidity (SEUS).

         1. Hmm, I need to look into this. I do think the patterns and colors are darling.

   7. I’ve fallen in love with midi Reformation dresses for warm weather. I buy on final sale or from Poshmark.

   8. Straight jeans, an oversize button down with only the middle couple buttons buttoned, sleeves rolled up.

      1. I like the Anthropologie Somerset dresses. The mini length doesn’t work for me, but the maxi does (and they also have jumpsuits in a related cut). I am even thinking about buying a used one off Poshmark and hemming to a midi length because I find them so versatile.

         1. The maxi is cute. I am wary of anything that has the multilayered tiers (not sure what else to call them) because I feel like they look weird on me, but this seems more streamlined and less poofy? Would love your thoughts on whether that’s the case.

      2. this is a cute look! what shoes do you wear?

   9. Dresses from Anthropologie, Madewell, and Target. Midi skirts with a tank top

   10. Zuri dresses are my go-to for weekend events. Pockets, great colors and prints, v attractive for my particular shape.

2. Looking for a sounding board here and open to suggestions as to how I should approach this.

   I have a staffer, let’s call him Joe. Joe is supposed to be a senior analyst on my team. He started right before COVID so I gave him a break longer than I should have because he wasn’t trained in the beginning like he should have, then he didn’t have a direct manager when I got promoted; however, at this point we’ve trained and re-trained and tried switching him around and it’s clear that it’s not working. It’s at the point where I need to address things – this week he’s been 1-2 hours late DAILY so that was a last straw for me. Government so it’s a longer path to termination.

   I know what I need to do, but my question is timing. I’m actually Joe’s great-grand boss (I’m the director). My assistant director role is vacant because HR is a nightmare and his direct manager has been out on parental leave which he extended. Joe doesn’t like me – he doesn’t think I ‘value’ him. Joe has given me lots of upwards feedback that he doesn’t feel like I’m fair to him but he does feel like his new-ish direct manager sees how great Joe is. Direct manager sees what I see but is on extended paternity leave and gets back next month.

   I don’t have the time to really address and document this like I need to. Should I: a) suck it up buttercup and document this dude who needs to GOOOO plus add the mandatory daily coaching meetings. b) wait a month-ish and have his direct manager handle it. c) start semi-documenting at least the biggest things and then hand it over to his manager to do the daily coaching.

   1. do you have HR to consult? if it’s a long path to termination, don’t you want to start it on the right foot rather than going to any effort that wouldn’t fit the process?

      1. Good point. Yes, HR is aware – the first step is basically thorough documentation of the situation, a meeting to counsel them and then daily performance boosting meetings.

         So either manager on leave or I can do this documentation and counseling, but it needs to be one of the two of us.

         1. Aware is very different from out on the path out. Call HR and put him on the exit track.

            1. So where I am, the process is ‘aware’, then the supervisor basically needs to submit a big writeup that shows the areas of deficiency, that the staffer has been verbally coached on this, that the deficiencies have continued, and that daily meetings have been conducted to set the employee up for success.

               It’s assumed that a supervisor will have at most 8 employees they’re directly supervising.

         2. Why are you not immediately counseling him? An email that the lateness is not ok would be a good start. Put everything in writing.

   2. I think you should start documenting. It’s a long process, and I expect Joe’s direct manager will be getting up to speed in other ways when he returns from leave, so I wouldn’t expect that direct manager jumps on Joe’s lateness, etc. right away. Plus, the direct manager has been on leave so it doesn’t sound like he’s the right person to document at this point?

   3. A – you’re a manager and this is part of a manager’s job description. You see it now. Do not leave it for your direct manager, who is now home but will be returning to work with a brand new baby at home, handle this cold. Returning to work with a new baby at home is hard enough. Suck it up and get it started.

      1. Yes, this. It stinks, but this is part of your role and waiting is not only a bad idea, it might create some ill will about just leaving tasks that could have been dealt with for the new parent to handle.

         1. Ugh, this is also where I keep landing. It’s so messy because staffer thinks this is personal and I will admit I’m actively dreading adding 10-ish hours of work to my week when I know I am not going to get anything good out of it. The crummy thing is that I’m going to be working even longer hours to get this done and it will add nothing to my team except (hopefully) cutting dead weight.

            1. It really is crummy, and I’m sorry. It sounds like you know what you have to do, but that doesn’t make it less irritating.

            2. But cutting the dead weight is important. It sounds like it is important in order to optimize the performance of the team, but I guarantee you that it is adversely affecting morale as well. Joe’s coworkers aren’t going to be happy that he is doing poor work and working short hours. Getting him out the door is a matter of fairness to the other team members. I know mature adults know better than to expect fairness, but the truth is that one employee getting away with stuff that others don’t inevitably leads to feelings of unfairness and eventually an attitude problem.

            3. Please stop caring what the staffer thinks. There is no “whiny child” exception to work performance standards.

               If anything, flip it around on him: “Joe is amenable to feedback from Male Manager, but recoils at feedback from Female Director.” Let him try to explain why he can hear it from a man but not a woman. :)

            4. You’re being a bit dramatic. It does not add 10 hours a week to send Joe an email that coming in 1-2 hours late is not ok.

            5. Let’s brainstorm on the 20 hours per week.

               He must badge in, right? There is an IT log of when he badges in and logs in every day. Request that for the last 6 months. If possible, in your write up, say that he is constantly late an attach the log.

               Develop a hit list. You aren’t there to document every single failure. Top 3-5 areas, and focus accordingly. Of course, document any egregious one-offs.

               Keep a folder in your inbox for these issues. Any time someone talks to you about problems with him, messages you, or emails you, into the Joe folder it goes. Just shoot yourself a quick email with a summary: “Sally came in to talk about how Joe was five days late with an action item.”

               To what extent can you make *him* do the work? “Joe, at the end of every week, please send me the following information with documentation.” If that’s an option, run with it.

               How long do these coaching meetings need to be? Block off a half hour and assume they will be 15 minutes. Have HR in on those meetings if he thinks you’re being mean to him.

            6. OP here – OH. I 100% sent the email.

               Here, the full process to put someone on the path to termination requires that you demonstrate that you have carefully coached them, advised them on how to perform, etc. before you get to formal counseling. I’ve done this before so the 10 hours a week is based on experience and what HR tells you to expect. Essentially, you have to have morning huddles with the staffer, give detailed feedback (both verbally and in writing) on all assignments, and be available for any questions that they have. Failure to do any of these allows the staffer to say they weren’t given adequate supports and essentially puts you back to zero. That’s why it’s actually a decision for me to make of whether or not I invest this time now.

   4. It sounds like you haven’t had time to address this for a while so not sure what is going to change if you’re already realizing you still won’t have time. I would document and address the lateness and other basic issues and wait until another manager can step in to do the appropriate training and role-related documentation steps if you’re not going to be able to consistently have the availability. The only thing worse than an ill trained poor performer who has been there awhile is a lawsuit and new HR team thrown in the mix. Fair? No, but reality at this point. Another few weeks isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme and there’s always the chance he might thrive under greater oversight.

      1. Realistically, I’m going to just need to work more hours. I’m already in the 50-60 range because I’m covering the workload of manager on leave and empty Assistant Director role (and this is being ruthless with my time).

         This guy is already taking up too much of my time and has been for a long time but I think realistically that I need to frame everything up so that manager and I can handle it together when he returns.

         1. Yes, you should. Also, if Joe thinks his manager likes him, then he might be on his best behavior the first month or so when manager gets back and it WILL look like it’s personal when you complain about him without documentation.

   5. You need to start the process so it’s in a good place to hand off to the supervisor who is on parental leave when he returns.
      Employees like Joe are why I remain an individual contributor. I went through it with an employee and worthless HR once and that was enough. It’s soul sucking. Starting the process now sets the problem employee’s supervisor up for success at finishing.

   6. OP here – I really appreciate being able to talk this through here in a neutral-ish space.

      So (lest you think I have just been ignoring this situation long-term), this is how it’s come to a head: basically, I had been told that Joe was spending his time training the junior analysts and supervising/supporting their work. No, it turned out that Joe was just forwarding them the assignment and not even doing the most basic training tasks.. there was a situation a couple weeks ago where he had thrown a junior analyst under the bus when I checked on status. Like, the assignment was to make purple paint. Junior analyst sort of knew where the blue paint was, but didn’t even have access to the red paint system and Joe had never even told him that there was a paint mixer. When I told Joe he hadn’t trained Junior Analyst on purple paint, he got super defensive but it definitely made me start watching him more closely.

      The things I had assumed that Joe was doing in his day to day were actually being done independently by the junior analysts, and then I realized that I couldn’t account for what he was doing. Started pulling at the strings and here we are.

      FWIW, I’ve coached Joe several times over the years and had gotten him – at best – to like a C-. I had a big talk with him about performance last week so at least he’s making somewhat of an effort? But I know it will go away again so that’s why I’m here today.

      1. If you had a big talk last week and this week he has been to work 1-2 hours late every day, seems like (maybe subconsciously) he is testing whether you’re actually willing to impose consequences. You need to document and start the process now or things will continue to decline. You’re the manager at the moment so you need to manage – if I got back from leave and my boss avoided this to dump it in my lap, I would not be pleased.

      2. Tough situation and it doesn’t help that you’re understaffed, even temporarily.

         I’ve had to terminate people on my team many times in my career. It’s never easy, it’s always a PITA and a time-suck, but I have NEVER, never, never regretted it once it’s done. In many ways it makes less work even if you’re down a person while you re-hire because no one is working around the dead weight and it’s not causing team resentment. Once the termination happens, the rest of your colleagues may be buoyed by it/feel more loyal to you because they feel as though their pain is recognized.

         This needs to move up your priority list — start documenting now, do a little coaching, and make it clear to Joe’s manager that when they return it is one of the top five things to keep on their radar.

         I also think clear is kind. So you need to meet regularly with Joe (I know, time suck) and email him afterwards documenting your conversations. Also even in my super relaxed workplace it is unacceptable to be as late as he’s been! To me that’s an easy place to start/document.

         Good luck. It’s tough but it is ALWAYS worth it.

      3. I’m the poster above who suggested documenting the lateness, etc. but leaving role-related matters to someone with more time to train and give oversight. With this added info, I change that position. since It’s not a question of skill that might be improved with greater education and accountability. I would document everything even though your time is limited (try to shift the burden to him wherever you can–like sending daily email updates to you). He’s not just a problem for himself, but the impact on others who need information from him and the team members who see this necessitate putting the time in to get him out sooner than later.

      4. Ask HR to put together information for you regarding tenure and retention of your junior analysts. See if IT can pull together a basic log of when they are working (log in and log out of computers, or badge in and badge out, whatever can be done).

         I’ve worked for a Joe before and the turnover was through the roof. Doing his job, plus our jobs, plus having to train ourselves, plus being thrown under the bus – it sucked and some people would quit without jobs lined up.

      5. I had someone like this reporting up to me (reported to my direct report). His work quality was semi-ok, never good, but passable. He had three separate incidents that involved HR getting involved, one related to his work product, the others not. We decided not to pursue termination immediately (I didn’t have authority, anyway), we followed up with coaching, etc. Shortly thereafter I transitioned to a different role so he was no longer in my organization. Not long after he was one of the first terminated in a years-long company wide reorganization.

         One thing we noted was that when he was out on medical leave (legit), our jobs actually got a lot easier. The organization was definitely better off without him, and imo my supervisors made the wrong call by keeping him.

         1. Just adding, the HR incident related to work product involved him bragging to other staffers that whether he worked or not, he still got paid. He was known to be lazy and work as few hours as possible, but bragging about it was something we couldn’t overlook.

   7. If he is routinely 1-2 hours late and a mandatory daily coaching meeting is required prior to firing him, can you schedule that meeting to be within the first 30 minutes of the day? If he doesn’t show, you have your time back and additional data points to build the case for getting rid of him.

      1. Lol, I love this!

      2. Okay. This is genius.

         Op here and because of union rules, I can’t have him ‘clock in’, but this would be totally acceptable.

3. I would love to incorporate bone broth into my diet – I hear good things about it and could use some help with building up my nails and hair – does anyone have a recipe, or a brand, that is really good? My limited experience so far has been yuk.

   1. Home made is much cheaper and better than store bought. Lots of recipes online to make in instant pot or slow cooker. I use it in soups, stews, when cooking grains (rice, quinoa).

   2. None of the brands are good. Sometimes a local butcher will have a stock that is good. I like home-made bone broth if it gets to the point where it’s gelatinous. I need it to be very well strained and I remove the whole layer of fat from the top. If you are in the USA, I’m not sure the FDA is entirely on top of lead content of bones (there’s kind of a long history of regulators in the USA overlooking traditional or immigrant cooking practices), so that’s something to keep in mind.

      If you don’t really care for bone broth and have good healthcare, I’d just see a dietician about sources of the nutrition you are hoping to get from the broth. If your diet is so inadequate or your nutrient absorption so impaired that it’s showing up in your nails and hair, I feel that’s a medical issue anyway. It could be you’d get the same benefit from a collagen protein powder (for the amino acids) or a nutritional supplement (if medical testing shows a deficiency in a relevant mineral like zinc or iron, or if your diet is low in a relevant vitamin like folate or biotin).

      1. Tell me more about the lead content in bones….does skimming the fat help remove any of that??

   3. Okay, if you haven’t been jazzed by chicken stock in the past, in my experience it’s often the bits of organ meat that can give the stock a ‘muddy’ flavor. For a really bright chicken stock which will still have all the good attributes (yes, it will be like jell-o in the fridge), I suggest this recipe:

      https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/11/perfect-uncluttered-chicken-stock/

      1. This is my go to chicken stock recipe. I love it. I don’t drink bone broth though. I just make delicious soup sometimes.

      2. My stock is like this, but with a glug if apple cider vinegar and whole peppercorns. I make it in the instant pot.

      3. OP here – thank you! Going to try this weekend.

      4. I’m a major stock maker and have a freezer bag full of bones at all times. I never include the organ meat. Liver absolutely not (and also because I like to saute that up and eat it myself!) but the gizzard and heart, if included with the whole chicken, might briefly go into the stockpot, but pretty quickly get fished out and given to my cat after they’ve cooled a bit. My cat knows what’s coming the minute he smells stock cooking.

   4. i just buy it from Trader Joe:s and use it as the base of egg drop soup, which I enhance with so many Asian flavorings/fresh herbs and add shrimp/oyster mushrooms/whatever that I never notice the bone broth taste.

   5. I buy the Trader Joe’s chicken one and add it to my broth when making soup so it’s half full salt broth and half bone broth. Zero idea if this negates any health benefits though.

      For hair and nail health, I’ve been taking a collagen supplement and that’s made my hair and nails strong so you could try that as well.

   6. Do you like homemade stock? It’s really just stock cooked longer.

      I do a lot of stock in my crockpot – it’s the only thing I use the crockpot for. I’m a fan of roast chicken and make one every week or every other week. The carcass goes into the crock pot with scraps of aromatic vegetables (onion tops, carrot peels, celery scraps, etc) and I tend to let it go as long as 24 hours. If I let it go 48 it would essentially be bone broth – when the bones have given all they have to give. You can add some vinegar to help this process along.

      Stock is different from regular broth because it is gelatinous due to the connective tissue breaking down. Sometimes my stock is more gelatinous than other times, but that’s what gives stock a good mouthfeel.

      I use my stock in sauces (I freeze most of it in 1 c quantities so that it’s easy to grab a small amount), stews and soups, any type of braise, and definitely risotto. My love for risotto is what got me into making homemade stocks. It makes all the difference.

      1. +1
         My favorite version of bone broth is Pho.

4. Help! I watched my niece and nephew last weekend and now I have the crud. Cough, headache, slight sore throat (but nothing like what I remember from when I had strep ages ago). No congestion or sinus pressure/runny nose, at least yet. Covid test is negative. What do I take or what can I do to get rid of this? I haven’t been sick, other than one bout of mild Covid in 2021, for years. I read headlines that many cold medicines aren’t effective so web searching is more confusing than I’d like.

   1. All that can get rid of it is time. But for now, Tylenol and honey for the cough. Rest and vitamin c.

   2. Real Sudafed – the kind that’s behind the counter – is priceless, along with mucinex and lots of water.

      1. +1 – the active ingredient is Pseudoephedrine, which can be used to make meth, which is why it is sold in limited quantities now.

      2. +1 to this plus nyquil at night to sleep and as much water/liquid as you can handle during the day. One point that should be obvious but wasn’t to me – I once took sudafed, a mucinex, my ADHD meds and had a cup of coffee. About an hour later I was physically shaking and thought I was having a heart attack. Nope, I’d basically just taken speed. My doctor let me know that sudafed can sub in for your ADHD meds in a pinch so combining them can be dangerous.
         A humidifier at night plus ‘dry mouth melts’ are SO helpful in avoiding the ‘sleep with your mouth open because of a cold then wake up with a sore throat’ situation.

      3. What?? She said she has no congestion or sinus pressure. That’s what Sudafed is for, it’s not a generic cold medicine.

         1. Yeah, I’m a huge proponent of Claritin-D when I’m congested, but it makes me feel weird if I’m not. Definitely don’t use if you don’t need it.

         2. This. I have to take sudafed every time I fly because I’m chronically congested and my ears don’t like to adjust to pressure changes, and it’s fairly alarming to see how much my resting heart rate jumps for a couple days after taking it. It’s great if you need it, but don’t take it if you don’t.

            1. Allegra-D might be an option for flying. I took sudafed for years, and then switched to Allegra-D, and have had no issues on planes. I believe the “D” is the same active ingredient, but maybe a lower dose or maybe being in combination with the antihistamine makes it better tolerated. I definitely experience fewer side effects from it than I did from Sudafed.

         3. I take real Sudafed when I get a bad cold so that it doesn’t turn into a sinus infection, which I am very prone to. That’s my doctor’s advice and I’ve followed it since he told me that, and not one sinus infection since.

            1. Yeah, I said Sudafed above because what started as tired, headache, and sore throat turned into severe congestion and cough (and then laryingitis). It was a nice reminder of almost all the ways to be sick with a virus, lol (minus nausea/digestive issues, thank god).

   3. Nyquil helps me a lot when coughing keeps me awake at night.

   4. Ugh, sorry you’ve got this crud. My whole family had some bad cold (not strep, not COVID, not rsv) this fall and what helped me most was theraflu for headaches/chills/body aches and then real Sudafed for congestion and mucinex for cough. Also took delsyn when I couldn’t sleep at night due to cough.

      The thing about cold medicines not working that you might be thinking of is that a Sudafed alternative, oral phenylephrine, was found to be ineffective by the FDA fas a decongestant. That’s the stuff you could buy without going to the pharmacy counter. To get real Sudafed you just need to ask at the pharmacy (no prescription) and show your drivers license.

   5. You may still want to get tested for strep. It’s not actually possible to tell whether you have it based on how it felt last time (I’ve had strep more times than I care to think about, and it’s been quite different on different occasions).

   6. A wee little cocaine

      1. This made me snort.

         1. That response was rather on the nose.

      2. I think the exact quote was “a small cocaine” which is certainly called for in some situations.

         1. I need the reference for this!

            1. Look I just wondered if maybe a small cocaine was less likely to reverse my lovely glowing skin after a month alcohol free than some wine. And everyone was horrified but like maybe just a small cocaine would have been better!

   7. Get enough rest and fluids and wait to get better, like normal people do when they have mild colds. Take some DayQuil.

      1. LOL seriously.

      2. These aren’t really cold symptoms though.

         1. Yes they are

         2. Have people forgotten that minor illnesses exist? These are certainly cold symptoms??

         3. Headache, sore throat, and cough can be cold symptoms if there’s also congestion and a runny nose, because the sinus pressure causes headaches, and the post-nasal drip causes sore throat and cough.

            Having headache, sore throat, and cough without the congestion and runny nose isn’t really normal for a cold.

            1. There are tons of viruses out there though. Just because it’s not a literal cold (i.e., rhinovirus) doesn’t mean it’s a big deal. The treatment for all respiratory viruses is pretty much the same – rest, fluids and stay home so you don’t share your germs.

            2. Every day this place finds new ways to surprise me.

            3. I didn’t say it was a big deal, but the treatments may be different. People are already recommending meds for congestion and runny nose to someone who doesn’t have those symptoms. It’s okay to call your doctor for advice on treating this stuff, especially if you get sick seldomly and are clueless about it.

            4. Colds do not always involve the sinuses, and sore throats, headache, and cough can be caused by more than just sinus pressure and post-nasal drip. Headache, sore throat, and cough without congestion may not be normal FOR YOU but they are absolutely normal cold symptoms for millions of people around the globe. What exactly besides a cold do you think those three symptoms imply?

      3. This.

   8. Go you for not being sick for years. I have two little kids and am sick constantly. Jealous!

      Rest. Tylenol/advil for headache. Fluids. Decongestant as needed. Feel better soon :)

   9. I like elderberry extract.

   10. I would test for Covid again in 48 hours, and stay home until then.

       1. +1. If you have COVID, it might not register on a home test for 2-3 days after your symptoms developed. I would test every 24 hours so that at the first positive test (IF it is COVID), you can: protect others, and get Paxlovid.

       2. This. Most folks won’t test positive right away. And the headache and tiredness in the absence of congestion makes it more likely.

   11. Pseudoephedrine never worked and the headlines are just telling us what we already knew.

       Delsym works beautifully for coughs for me. NAC or mucinex help too (I prefer NAC since I don’t like having to postpone getting my brows done after mucinex).

       Cold medicines don’t “get rid of” colds; they are just for symptoms. Zinc and vitamin C if taken immediately might shorten duration a bit (on the order of a day to half a day).

       1. Pseudoephedrine works very well as a decongestant, it is phenylephendrine that is useless

          1. Ugh thank you I mixed up my copy and paste out of laziness for spelling those words. Yes, pseudoephedrine works well (for runny nose and congestion), but phenylephendrine was offered as a substitute without evidence of efficacy and that mistake is finally being corrected now.

       2. No, you’re wrong. The stuff you can buy without asking a pharmacist never worked, but also that was for congestion! Which she says she doesn’t have!

       3. Your brows?

          1. Yes, unfortunately some cold meds can weaken the skin and are a contraindication (skin might rip right off).

   12. Sleep as much as you can. That’s the best medicine for me.

   13. Even though you are not congested yet, I would start using a neti pot once or twice a day – you know the congestion is coming, and this helps get ahead. I also swear by gargling with warm salt water to cut the pain from the sore throat. Hope you feel better soon.

       1. yes, gargling is actually amazing and so are saline nasal rinses.

          OP, get some fresh ginger and lemon and grate the ginger into boiling water for a mini immunity shot several times a day (add lemon and honey after water stops boiling).
          Hydrate like crazy.
          Rest but do some gentle movement to move your lymph which aids in healing.
          throat coat tea provides relief.
          No dairy which will increase congestion. Zinc, vitamin d and c and b-100 if you can.

   14. Your insurer may have a free nurse line for basic questions about stuff that doesn’t require a doctor’s appt. Alternatively you could ask a pharmacist.

   15. Sudafed (regular strength) with lots of water can help alleviate the sore throat and coughing, if it is caused by back of the throat drip (i.e., “post-nasal drip”). You can also try sleeping propped up a bit, so that your sinuses don’t drain down your throat when you lie down to sleep, causing a sore throat and coughing. Ginger-lemon tea with honey can be soothing (and will also hydrate). Also, I find Hagen Dazs raspberry sorbet to be very healing.

5. I have a derm appointment later today. I’m 39 and have a pretty solid skincare routine since about mid 30s, but spent far too much time outside as a kid sans sunscreen – I’m a sailor and spent my whole summers outside from age 8-24, applying sunscreen once in the morning and that was it. I would shake my younger self if I could…..

   Anyhow. Just had my last baby and trying to get my regimen on track. What should I be asking, apart from my normal skin check, which is the impetus for the appointment? I have PCOS so I’ve toyed with laser hair removal on my face and neck, but some of the hair is turning gray. Is it true you can only get it before the hair turns gray? Thinking of asking for tretinoin because I read it’s great but don’t really know why else to ask for it. Anything else that might not be on my radar? TIA!

   1. Definitely get a full body skin check. A full body skin check should become part of your regular health routine like getting your annual and going to the dentist. Depending on your skin, the derm will ask you to come back in a year or in 3 years. Do it.
      I did laser hair removal in my 20s and only wish I’d done it sooner. The areas I did (underarms and bikini) were dark hair and light skin, and the procedures worked wonderfully. I don’t know whether laser works on gray hair, but I doubt it. I’d still go in to get anything else killed off.

      1. I have very light brown body hair and laser barely works on me – as in reduced but did not eliminate my hair. I don’t think it works on grey.

   2. Say exactly what you’ve written here. “I’m not sure what to ask for, but now that I’m 39 I want to think about {fill in the blank: wrinkles, slackness, age spots, etc.]. What should I use? I’ve heard tretinoin is great but I don’t really know much else about it.”

      1. +1

   3. My experience with laser hair removal on my face was that it always comes back. Mines just genetic (no pcos) but also clearly hormonal and I’ve done laser to no avail – and I have dark hair and light olive skin. Better results with electrolysis but still requires a lot of time and sessions because of the growth cycles.

   4. I was going to get laser hair removal on face for PCOS hair growth, ended up starting Spironolactone for acne and I’ve been surprised to find it made a big difference in the hair on my face. Prior to this if I wasn’t plucking I’d have dark but relatively sparse upper lip hair, and probably 15 dark coarse hairs on my chin. Now I have maybe 1 dark hair on my chin, and very little dark hair on my upper lip. I’m on the lowest dose and don’t have any side effects (though it hasn’t solved my acne, so I’ll probably go up at least one level).

      1. Ask the derm about PCOS hair growth and laser. From what I’ve read, it’s not a good combo even though it’s fabulous for hair removal for those folks without PCOS.

   5. Plenty of derms who don’t shill skincare have basically said that your routine should be a cleanser, vitamin C, a retinol, and a moisturizer (plus sunblock in the AM). Anything else is nice to have but not really necessary. My picks are banila co balm, Cosrx cleanser, vanicream vitamin C, differin/azealic acid (tret makes me peel), vanicream light lotion, and innistree sunblock spf 50 – all of that is under $100 via CVS/Target and Jolse for the Asian skincare.
      However – if you want to even skin tone, increase collagen, diminsh wrinkles, etc. – various lasers and microneedling can make a big difference. I’d rather spend $$ on those than $200 lotions from celebs that aren’t as effective.

      1. I think your derm is right about OTC skincare but I believe they’ll be adding peptides to the list in the next few years. Expect to hear a lot about peptides soon!

      2. Any advice for sunscreens that don’t smell like ‘sunscreen’? I’ve tried Supergoop-in particular them unseen one-and still found the smell gave me a headache.

         Very sensitive skin so prefer no mineral-based formulas. TIA.

   6. I bought a Braun IPL device over the holidays on the advice of a friend thinking eh, great if it works, if not it’s still cheaper than 1-2 sessions of laser hair removal. I’ve used it 5 times and my underarm hair is gone! My bikini line is seeing easily 40% less growth, ditto with my legs. Haven’t tried it on my face yet but that’s next. I’m very fair with dark hair that is greying and PCOS so LOTS of dark hair everywhere.

   7. My derm told me that tretinoin could lower my risk of skin cancer on my face. We didn’t go in depth about the studies that have been done, but, given your sun exposure, it’s worth asking if tretinoin could have health benefits in addition to the more widely known cosmetic benefits.

      1. Interesting. Thanks for sharing this.

      2. As long as you’re religious about SPF. You can be more likely to burn when you use tretinoin in your routine.

6. Has anyone done the Harry Potter studio tour outside London? Planning for spring break with our kids and trying to figure out any watchouts. Thanks!

   1. not personally but a few friends have. book it like, yesterday, is the main advice.

   2. Friends of mine raved about it and they’re outside the target demographic (went for their kids and surprisingly loved it enough to recommend). We looked into going but it booked up completely and early so we didn’t.

   3. Yes loved it. Book it today

   4. Yes, we did it several years ago. Kids were 9, 11 and 14 at the time. It was fantastic and they all loved it. Based on the picture timestamps, it looks like we spent about 3.5 hours and everyone was still smiling at the end! There is a lot to see, including sets, props, costumes, and a huge scale model of Hogwarts. Enjoy!

      1. +1 – we did it two years ago and kids were also 9, 11 and 14 (hmmm). They loved it! By the time we booked, there were only evening slots available, so we hired a driver, although I remember thinking that we could have managed it in the end.

   5. Yes I loved it. As others have said, book ASAP because tickets sell out.

      It’s “outside” London, but barely. Very easy to get there. You can take a train from central London and then there’s a shuttle bus from the station for a few dollars a person.

   6. We did it when we went a few years ago and it was wonderful. Even if you have someone in your party who isn’t a superman (that would be me), the exhibits about the production and the scale model are really interesting. That said, we have relatives who live in the next town over from the studios so they (very very graciously) picked us up from the train station and drove us there.

      1. *superfan, ugh.

   7. Yes it’s awesome. Book well ahead and be prepared to spent way too long in the gift shop. It’s easy to get to, short train ride then shuttle bus.

   8. We did this last spring break. You probably already are too late for direct purchase, so look at one of the providers that does round trip bus + tour. My tips:

      1. Take the earliest tour possible. Traveling to and from the tour can take 90 minutes each way and then there is a line to enter, a line to start the tour, a mandatory introduction, etc. We had a 9 a.m. departure and arrived at about 10:20, but did not enter until 11 a.m. and had to be on the bus at 4 p.m., which left us rushing through the last part of the facility.
      2. We were glad to have our own wired earbuds for the device that actually narrates your tour.
      3. Bring a backup phone battery or actual camera because you will want to take ALLLLLLL the photos.
      4. Wear your most comfy shoes. It’s a looooong walk on concrete.
      5. No regrets on ponying up for the photos of The Kid flying on the broom. We figured we would do this one time, darn the cost, full speed ahead.
      6. So many gift shops. Try to hold off until the last one if you can, because you have to lug what you buy along with you.
      7. Avoid the hamburgers at the cafe in the middle of the tour. The Kid got food poisoning that kicked in the next morning and we spent the next day taking care of him in our room.

      Have fun!

      P.S. – This s*te recommended the Willy Wonka tea in London at the One Aldwych. It was excellent and worth every penny!! And Dishoom was every bit as good as we hoped!

7. Do you have sun spots from the sun exposure? If so, BBL can be a very effective laser treatment for dark spots (if you’re light skinned). It can also treat redness. I would potentially seek out a cosmetic derm who specializes in this stuff – most medical derms aren’t that knowledgeable about cosmetic stuff apart from treating skin issues.

   1. Threading fail. For derm question above!

   2. And I am reading it trying to figure out how a Brazilian Butt Lift will help with dark spots, so ….

      1. Haha I had BBL and my teen daughter was dying laughing when I told her. It’s Broad Beam Light, a form of IPL.

      2. So great! I was too! Thanks for clarifying that.

8. Has anyone tried Raya? Worth it? Seems like it’s just hype but curious if anyone has an experience!

   1. I have nowhere near the social media following/influence to be accepted as a commoner (non-celebrity) and I also have no desire to try to get it. I do wish I could get on though to see what bad behavior the famous people are up to in real time.

      1. +1 I would never pass up the opportunity to join, just for the people watching. Do it, OP! And then come tell us about all the celebs you see.

   2. I have! FWIW, they accept normies all the time as long as you’re good looking and have a “career” job. I have less than 1000 followers on IG and applied with two referrals from normie friends and was accepted within a few days. A few notes:

      1) You have to pay for it, I think the cheapest plan is $25/month or so.
      2) It’s much, much slower than other apps. You’re only allowed a certain amount of swipes (both yes and no) per day and it’s lower than Hinge. Your match rate will be lower than other apps but I think this + the monetary aspect makes people more likely to take each match seriously
      3) If you want it just for the people watching, don’t bother. I think there must be some new celeb dating app that they’ve all migrated to. Unless you live in LA, your feed will mostly be normal men. There’s many reality TV stars and professional athletes, but no true celebs.
      4) The normal men they let in are, as a whole, good looking and career driven. Having a curated pool of men who meet a base “standard” has been really helpful in cutting down time spent swiping and that has made it worth the price for me.
      5) If you apply and have an IG, put it on public until you get accepted. Physical appearance is a huge deciding factor in whether or not you get in and being able to look at your instagram speeds up their decision

      1. I’m a 44 year old Biglaw equity partner with a decent LinkedIn following and lots of public speaking engagements in my field, but I’m far far from a cool person on Insta (and don’t even have TikTok). Do you think I would have a chance? I mostly want to do it because I’m curious, and a little bored.

         1. + 1 to being curious and bored. I am an early 40s very conventionally attractive woman who has what seems like a big career to outsiders (lol) but I almost never post pictures of myself on social so they would probably not approve me. I also live in a not at all cool area so would expect there to be like three people on it from here. However! I travel a good bit and that seems like a very good way to make my travels even more interesting.

            1. (Sorry, my above comment was to Anon @12:57)

               Anon @2:17 : It’s great for traveling. One feature that’s annoying is that you can’t filter by location–they’ll mostly show you people in your general area but you’ll also get some folks from other metro areas. However, you can set “travel” locations and it’ll show you more people from the locations you’re traveling to in advance of your trip which is fun!

               I’m happy to give a referral to either of you if you email me at sasharette515@gmail.com. I’d just need your phone number.

         2. I do! Always worth it to sign up and see–you don’t have to pay until you’re accepted. All I provided was my IG and my job title. My IG is pretty basic and definitely not influencer worthy

         3. I would think your career would be a negative to the men on these kind of sites, not a positive.

            (Not a dig at your career! A dig at high-powered men.)

9. I posted last week about the reMarkable tablet – I didn’t realize that while the tablet alone costs $300, you also have to buy the pen and some kind of case for it for at least another $160…so I’m exploring other options.

   I just feel unorganized – my notes for work, nonprofit boards I’m on, and other things are all over the place. How do you keep your notes organized?

   1. I have one notebook where I number the pages and keep a table of contents, sort of like a bullet journal.

      1. +1 this is the only approach that works for me.

   2. A colleague has this and now I want one after seeing her use it. She found a much less expensive case on a m a z o n.

   3. I take notes in pre-punched 3-hole paper pads. When the pad is full, I take out the notes and put them in the appropriate binder (one for non-profit, one for personal finance, specific ones for work matters). Fast. Easy to take notes. Easy to reference notes once they are taken while issue is alive. Can be scanned later once the issue is closed and you want a permanent record.

   4. I use my ipad Notes for this. I have separate folders for each thing, work, nonprofit, home, personal goal planning, etc. Then I make individual notes inside those folders. Eg for work, I have a note for each client name, and then any time I have a meeting or a call or strategy session, I add to that note. Since I can also use my ipad for email, texting, internet, watching netflix, etc., it is more cost effective.

      1. I use the notes app on my phone a ton but I had no idea that I could now group them in folders! I just looked and this is amazing. Thanks for sharing!

         1. OMG this is life changing

   5. I use a single notebook for everything. I put headers with subject and date when I’m on to a new topic.

10. Good hotel recommendations near Chelsea Market in NYC? I’m thinking that while touristy Chelsea Market may be good all-day for meal options.

    1. It’s somewhat controversial, but I also love Artichoke Pizza, which is nearby.

    2. The Standard, Gansevoort Meatpacking, or the Maritime hotels would be my picks near that area.

       1. +1 I’ve stayed at the Gansevoort and Maritime.

    3. The Chelsea Hotel is very cute. I used to get coffee there all the time when I lived nearby.

11. My acne scars are both hyperpigmentation and also indentations. I have done v-beam for the redness (because now I also have rosacea; it was really helpful I think on the redness-only front) but understand that a different laser might help with the indentation scarring. I had previously thought that dermabrasion was the only fix for that and avoided it due to concerns re pain and excess downtime / scaring people, but has anyone else tried laser and had good results with it? If so, please let me know how it is — downtime, pain, etc.? I can do v-beam without numbing.

    1. Lasers can help because they stimulate collagen but I think fillers have a role here. More immediate results. It all depends on how deep your scars are.

       I went to a cosmetic derm about my scars and the above is what she told me.

    2. For deep scarring, I’ve been told Fraxel is the way to go. But not brave enough myself yet.

12. Any experience/tips being or raising a 2E (twice exceptional) kid? She’s been tested and evaluated etc and it turns out she’s gifted and borderline ADHD which is manifesting right now mostly in being easily frustrated and emotionally behind her peers but continuing to develop.

    We are in a state that does not offer G&T programming in public schools and, right now, she’s not resisting school. She was not flagged because she’s been hitting benchmarks in elem but according to her neuropsych, she could hit these benchmarks in her sleep.

    We are just starting down this road and while my husband was never tested (and he grew up in elite private schools which likely scratched the gifted education itch), his profile matches exactly. We are just interested in what may benefit her as she grows up.

    1. I know you said that there isn’t G&T programming, but are there differentiated learning options? Having that helped my 2e kid a bunch and keeps him challenged enough.

       2e is a tough thing to navigate. These kids are so, so bright, but are emotionally behind their peers and the other gifted students, which puts everyone in a tough spot. I don’t have much advice to offer, other than to look for individualization when you can, figure out which environments your kid functions best in, and hopefully stumble onto some extracurriculars where she can feel some degree of social success. Do work with the teachers. In mid- to late elementary school, we learned that we needed to be very proactive with his teachers and describe his strengths and weaknesses. Just keeping the lines of communication open helped a lot.

       Also, GET A 504 PLAN. Your kid can qualify for that even if she doesn’t qualify for an IEP. And you want this stuff documented in case you run into issues.

    2. I will see you and raise you an autism diagnosis. Elementa try school was fine. Middle school co-insides with the pandemic and was a great and negative reset. IDK what to do but our public school seems fine in high school but I am already looking at The College Spy because I have no idea how kiddo will do as an adult. But enrichment outside of school has always worked well for us vs looking to our under resourced public schools.

       1. OP here, and I mentioned my husband has the same profile as my daughter. Neither of them have autism in the mix but my husband went to a SLAC for a STEM major and would recommend it a thousand times over. He had classes of 6-10 students even at the intro level. All his professors knew him. He didn’t have a diagnosis or special accommodations but had the ability to work 1:1 with professors all four years. He also selected a career that plays to his strengths and married me- I’m a really good compliment to his skills so we manage life pretty well as a team.

          He also went to elite private school for K-12 and for his parents, money was not a barrier which I understand is an enormous luxury.

          1. Which school?

             I feel that as a parent of a 3E kid, she would never get into a lot of the SLACs mentioned on this board due to grades or test scores. She is very bright, but between the ADHD (no med has moved the needle and she’s almost off the charts with distractibility and impulsivity), anxiety, and autism, just won’t be the bright shiny package that does well in a crowded and competitive admissions environment, especially if it’s a place that likes a campus visit and an interview. So if there are less-competitive SLACs, I’m all ears. Otherwise, IDK what the path will look like. Maybe she transfers somewhere after community college?

             1. Gotcha- he went to a competitive one. I believe he had a 1580 SAT and something like a B+ average from a very strong private school so he could get himself in through brute force capabilities. Again, though, no 3rd E in there.

    3. Independent school admin here. What are the private school options like in your area? I know this could easily turn into a debate on public vs. private schools, which I don’t want to instigate, but many private schools are well-equipped to handle 2E kids (mine is!). That said, many are NOT and I would run screaming from those. Even if tuition feels out of reach, a solid school will very likely have scholarships or payment plans. It’s worth investigating, IMHO, just to see what your options are.

       1. Private school in our area is…complicated. We are in a very affluent town with well funded schools that just absolutely dump (deserved, needed) money into special education–there is just no G&T program under state guidelines.

          There is a parochial school in town and that’s it. Once she hits middle school there are a few private options that are $$$ and also a fair drive away (~25-30 min). They are already on our radar. Complicating things is that she’s one of 3 kids, so sending her to a different school in a different town would add a lot of logistical issues– ones we would handle if they were a necessity but would otherwise prefer to avoid. Similarly, we live in a wealthy town and have a high HHI (we will not qualify for scholarships living in a million dollar house with a HHI over $300k). But we also would prefer not to pay $50k/year for private school if we have other options since we are going to be putting our kids through college full freight. So, if push came to shove we could send her to a private school but for several reasons it’s not our first choice. We have good friends with a similar issue- one of their 3 kids is dyslexic and struggling. The private option for her, which focuses on dyslexia, is $62k/year which is a LOT when you are talking about a second grader, even for a family of means. They are considering moving and sending all 3 kids to private school in a different state vs continuing to live in our expensive town in our HCOL state.

       2. Ooh I went to private school for a few years and they absolutely had no ability to deal with my 2E diagnosis- my diagnosis to them meant I should be in remedial classes and may not be able to graduate high school (I now have a PhD in engineering). My public school was more used to 2E students and recognized that they were required to educate me.

          1. My husband wasn’t 2E but was extremely gifted in math but dyslexic (now had STEM PhDs), and also not well served by fancy private school.

    4. I just started a book called “The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed”. It presents a lot of concepts that are easy enough to grasp but very hard in practice (the beginning chapters made me think of the recent convo here about how much to help our kids with homework.)

       I bring this up because I suspect I may be 2e — my mom, to this day, won’t reveal my IQ score from a childhood test but has always said it was very high. I also have OCD (diagnosed in adulthood because again, my parents don’t seem to like to address things head on?) My mother was very involved in my schoolwork, imparted an ethos of “always do your best” and really built me up as a very smart, talented person who would always do well at school. She would drop off at school anything I left at home, and stayed up late with me to complete projects I had procrastinated so I wouldn’t get in trouble or a bad mark.

       I think that was ultimately quite harmful to me, and knocked out a lot of my internal motivation and my own self-esteem. I am also still very anxious about any perceived failing, because of others’ judgement rather than my own feelings about the situation. I am looking to course correct with my own kids, who seem similar to me and for whom we are beginning the road of evaluation…

       I guess my takeaway is to treat your child as a unique, resilient individual, capable of autonomy and charting her own path. Offer support and encouragement, but don’t view her as too fragile to learn things on her own, even if the journey is painful.

       1. OP here- this mirrors the conversation Dh and I had last night. We want her to know her strengths and weaknesses, and help her figure out how to manage to those. We don’t want to optimize her environment so much that she gets herself into a school/college/career/life where she no longer has the support she needs to be successful and then bombs. “Do well at school” for us means “do what you need to be happy later in life.” For one of my kids, that will be straight As, making the sports teams, honors classes, getting into the best college and getting a well paying job. That is likely not the same path for this kiddo, who DNGAF about most of those things but will spend an entire weekend learning about rock formations, sports practice be d*mned.

    5. Exercise. This sounds like me as a kid and being on swim team from ages 6-20 was a lifesaver.

       1. How much exercise a week do you think was helpful in elementary? My kid hasn’t been tested but is very bright and has some ADHD like tendencies, and I notice that exercise helps her a lot.

       2. OP here- exercise and a good diet (eg. always fed, never left to get hangry, no sugar close to bedtime) have been critical for us. Organized sports have not worked well, but dance (she does hiphop), biking, climbing, shooting baskets, running around outside, etc. work very well. She does summer swim team and likes it, but also gets pretty frustrated when she doesn’t’ have the stamina for practice, so we had to talk to the coach and let her basically go until she got tired then she could sit on the side and rest while the team finished practice. We’re hoping some conditioning will help that but it may also just turn out she needs less of a team environment ;).

       3. Ditto on exercise (to this day), from someone very like your daughter. Team sports did not go well, but I excelled at figure skating and dance – lean into that hyper fixation, and as an adult, hello, distance running. Common thread of activity was sports that quieted my mind and did not require teamwork. Also, debate in HS was critical for me. We had a debate team that travelled, which meant I probably was out travelling for a quarter to half of the class days during my junior and senior year — trust me, you can still get As and not really “go” to your high school classes. I’m older so the whole GT stream and classes did not really exist. I had many great teachers along the way that realized that a bored me, was a disruptive me. So as long as I was reading something to not fight the battle if it didn’t relate to the class material. Other teachers just gave me different textbooks (math) to work through to keep me amused. Long way of saying, teachers were able to handle this long before there was testing, and formal GT streams or schools.

    6. Oooh yes. I was a 2E kid and diagnosed in middle school. 504/IEP + coaching to cover weaknesses and whatever enrichment you can possibly find to keep boredom at bay. ADHD kids tend to flock together, so making sure she mixes until she finds her people. It got easier in college (and easier still in my doctorate) when remembering to turn in homework was less important than testing and when I could focus on things that were interesting to me.

       My IEP covered note taking (which I was completely miserable at), requiring homework assignments to be given in a written format (and not copied from the board or kept in a notebook in classroom which one awful teacher required), extra time on tests (not remotely useful for me), and reminding my teachers that learning disabilities and intellect are not always linked.

       As for school supplies- here’s what worked/works for me:
       bound notebooks >> loose leaf binders (where stuff can go in and out and get out of order). (these days I also stock double stick tape to add things to my notebooks)
       Bullet style blank lined planner >> notebook with a defined space per day.
       Pens>> pencils (0 chance of remembering an eraser). Pilot G2 pens make my handwriting better.
       Highlighters to mark out instructions to make sure I actually read instructions
       Pocket in backpack for pens >> pen case
       Everything goes in the same spot all the time- one purse >> multiple purses to move things between.

       1. PS: ADHD kids get thousands and thousands of negative messages over their schooling like why can’t you care more, or you’re disruptive or why can’t you just focus, or you always forget your homework- don’t you want to do well in school?
          Make sure your kid understands that her brain works differently, and make sure she has access to meds and scaffolding support to cover what can be covered, and provide ballast to the negative messages whenever possible.

    7. My experience in school as a 2E student was negative because the ADHD made the busywork stressful for me to just get done even when the coursework was easy. I would have found it easier to be teaching some of those third grade classes than taking them! I tried to put a good face on it, but I never really looked forward to anything; it was draining a lot out of me to spend so much time that way. I was less mature than my classmates in terms of emotional regulation and social sophistication, so I really tried to follow their lead. I was socially aware enough not to talk about the above grade books I wished school would leave me time to get back to (even with teachers who I could tell didn’t really want me to be that far above grade level), but this also made it feel like I was play acting a persona to get through the school day every day or even just to make and keep friends and not sink socially. Unfortunately I kept this persona on for my parents who didn’t know how I felt for too long.

       But after we’d talked, they eventually found me the opportunity to take courses online from an online school with PhD instructors who were just wonderful (including a science teacher who was moonlighting from her exciting STEM career, which was inspiring at the time). It was also my first experience with classmates I could discuss my thoughts and interests with, which felt like a whole new kind of friendship where I could be myself and feel understood. That was when I realized I had let my previous friendships revolve around my friends’ interests, which was fine, but not the same. I basically learned what made me happy and that led to a happy experience in college where I made more lifelong friendships. So for me the most important thing was finding my people wherever they were.

    8. I can’t comment on the ADHD part, but as a gifted kid, if she can’t get the G&T curriculum through school you should find ways to add it outside of school. If there is a kid version of the Great Courses, something like that could be fun. Or just independent learning on topics of interest to her using library books and online media. Go to museums, plays/musicals, sporting events. Have her learn chess or a musical instrument or find a way to start learning a foreign language. Take her skiing or snowboarding or rock climbing so she can learn the technical aspects of those sports. It could be fun to learn the science of baking and cooking and then put it into practice (learn to make the best chocolate chip cookie or pie crust by trying different recipes or inventing her own). Some of these activities can play into the hyperfocus of ADHD while also scratching the G&T itch. If she likes writing, give her short story writing prompts and let her write fiction. If she likes logic puzzles, give her those. And obviously find as many G&T summer camps as you can and fill her summers with those.

       1. It’s sometimes an issue when ADHD makes time management difficult that school can steal time and energy away from pursuing opportunities outside of school. Hopefully if she wasn’t very borderline she won’t face this conundrum though!

          1. That’s fair, and certainly a roadblock. Hopefully she can get some therapy or coaching around the time management because, as seen in many other threads on this board, those skills are going to be essential for the rest of her life. Even us non-ADHDers could have benefitted from learning those kinds of skills in grade school. I I should also be clear I wasn’t saying to do all of those things, or that they necessarily need to be time consuming! 2-4 hours a week is probably more than she would get from a school G&T program anyway. Just try a bunch of things and see what sticks. Or maybe something sticks but only for a month and then it’s time to seek out a new adventure. You could even gamify it if that would help: work on time management such that she’s able to learn about X new subjects or work on Y new skills this month and she gets a treat, like the old Book It program. Over time she’ll probably figure out whether she gravitates towards new things or going more in depth in existing activities and you can adjust based on that.

             1. That makes sense. For myself personally, I needed far more than two hours of a week of challenging coursework, and I needed less spinning wheels time in class and more time reading and learning. School was so unaccommodating as to be detrimental though; hopefully it’s better these days.

    9. I have 3 ‘overachievers’, 2 with ASD & ADD and 1 with dyslexia & ADD.

       For my children private school has been a game changer for all 3. It’s expensive but that’s what suits their style of learning. We are at a parochial school. Not all private schools are the same. The school I found is small, 8-10 in a class for my elder two and 22 in a class for my youngest. They are happy to move children up a grade earlier on or give them extra assignments. Public school was a disaster for my children and I regret not pulling them out sooner.

       Running really helps control the ADD. My children run 5km at the weekends and I’d like them to be doing swimming and martial arts too.

13. Bay Area readers, please help me interpret weather risk and parse media hysteria. I’m supposed to return to Oakland airport on Sunday. Do you think my flight will be cancelled or seriously delayed? The news is saying a stronger storm may hit then. I might reschedule while I still can…

    1. Oakland is usually less delayed/problematic than SFO, hard to say how bad Sunday will be but I flew home last year into similar weather and was just delayed a lot but ultimately took off. This is my use case for hotel tonight, which came up the other day – I always pack extra clothes and underwear and have that app fresh on my phone in case I get stuck.

    2. I’m elsewhere in CA, but there is supposed to be a lot of rain. I think the answer to this depends on your travel schedule and tolerance for delays. If it’s not a big deal to reschedule and you hate getting stuck in the airport, it’s not a terrible idea to reschedule in advance. If your schedule is tight and you don’t mind taking your chances, then I’d just go with it and hope for the best. It might depend where you’re coming from too. I fly out of a small airport where connecting flights to SFO are notorious for getting delayed when there’s any kind of weather, so I’d be more likely to reschedule in that situation than if you’re flying between larger airports.

    3. It could happen. I wouldn’t personally reschedule my flight because of it.

14. In the mood for a meatball sub. Looking for an amazing meatball recipe (ideally turkey or chicken to keep it somewhat lower calorie)

    1. In my area, the meat counters at the grocery store all sell fresh, premade meatballs and I get those. So much easier and always delicious.

       1. Ooh, I need to look for that. I love meatballs but I hate rolling them. It grosses me out, lol.

          1. TJ’s turkey meatballs are popular!

       2. I buy meatballs either fresh or frozen from the grocery store. They’re fine and I like having a bag of them in my freezer.

          The faux meatballs I’ve tried are also really good.

          1. (By faux meatballs I mean those made from meat substitutes)

    2. Check out the baked rosemary chicken meatballs from The Original Dish. I use turkey and add ricotta for extra moisture.

    3. I make them with pine nuts and raisins (chopped in the mini food processor), per husband’s Italian grandma’s recipe — there are a bunch of similar ones online. I’ve never tried them with turkey or chicken though.

       I used to make turkey meatballs with pesto, NY times recipe, and I thought they were great but my (1/2 Italian) husband refuses to eat them, because he wants a heart attack I guess.

       1. Raisins in meatballs!

    4. I really like Smitten Kitchen’s everyday meatballs.

15. Can anyone recommend restaurants in Las Vegas that have really good vegan/vegetarian options? My husband and I are going to be there for a few days in February for a kid-free trip doing some climbing, seeing Cirque du Soleil Love, and maybe going to a comedy show/stand up (any suggestions?). We are very casual people so “dressing up” for us will be like jeans and a nice top – not looking for the fanciest or most gourmet places, just places that other posters have been to and liked! Any other suggestions for things that non-gamblers/non-partiers might enjoy doing there will also be very welcome!

    1. Lotus of Siam is one of the best Thai restaurant in the US. Was featured on Bourdain’s show Parts Unknown. It’s in a strip mall outside of downtown, and not formal.

       1. I was just about to say Lotus of Siam! It’s so amazing. There’s a location in Red Rock too if that appeals.

          1. Thank you both! We will definitely go here!!

    2. China Poblano at the Cosmo has a lot of good vegetable options – fusion Asian and Mexican restaurant.

       1. Great! Added to my list!

    3. Vegetarian is easy. Almost every place that is not a steak house or seafood place will have vegetarian options. Vegan is harder. Try Crossroads Kitchen at Resort World (which BTW also has a nice spa with a co-ed area). Tacotarian in downtown is cool and a good place to stop before or after the Mob Museum (which is fun if you like history; do the distillery tour if you drink).

       The Wynn and Encore have vegan options so check that out.

       1. Thanks for the tips – I didn’t know about the Mob Museum and we will definitley be going!!

    4. The Wynn and Encore have a lot of veg and vegan options; I beleive the owner (who I seem to recall reading is a horrible person, I don’t remember the details) is vegan. It’s been more than 10 years since I was in Las Vegas but I remember eating at both a casual pizza place in the Wynn and a fancier option and had good vegan food in both.

       And there is an amazing all-vegan (or nearly all-vegan, its IG profile says it’s “vegan based”) donut shop in the Chinatown area of Las Vegas, Ron’s Donuts. A promised last vist there on the way to the airport got our then teenager up and out of bed early, a near miracle. For years, I would crave Ron’s vegan apple fritters. Mmmmm.

       1. Oh, and I remember eating at a vegan or vegan-friendly, hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant in a neighborhood well outside the strip. I did a quick Google to see if I could identify it – no luck – but found this:

          https://chefkennysasianveganrestaurant.com/chef_kenny_asian_vegan_restaurant_in_las_vegas.html

          The owner also has a vegan dim sum place: https://chefkennysvegandimsum.com/
          (Warning: the webpage for the dim sum place starts playing music immediately.)

          1. Wow… thank you for all of these! Mouth-watering.

    5. It’s not a comedy show, but we were blown away by the Paranormal mind-reading show at the Horseshoe. It’s not that expensive, either. https://www.vegas.com/shows/hypnosis/paranormal-frederic-da-silva/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAn-2tBhDVARIsAGmStVlEyO_QWm0lS2RlF73Ty91kwTIustOUDE03vJbNA8-Pj3bckr0jLYoaAqeIEALw_wcB

       Also the Paris Las Vegas lobby bar is a great place to sit and have a drink and people-watch.

       1. Great tips! Thank you!

    6. No recs on vegetarian food, but I went to see Awakening on the advice of a friend and it was fantastic! Absolutely would recommend getting tickets. No need to spend extra for “good seats” either, we had the cheapest seats available and they were still fantastic.

       1. Okay amazing!! This looks incredible

    7. I don’t know it this officially qualifies as comedy, but we went to Penn & Teller last year and it was a blast. There is a reason they have been around so long. I just wish that their theatre, at the Rio, was on the strip.

16. I am a law firm junior partner in litigation, so basically a middle manager. My job is to keep cases moving, including setting deadlines with co-counsel and clients for when we anticipate exchanging drafts or getting projects done. I’m expected to keep the trains running on time. One of the senior partners I work with is very busy and routinely cannot get to reviewing work on time to keep our soft or internal deadlines, and there is inevitably a crunch before hard filing deadlines that is stressful for everyone, causes late nights, and sometimes means the work isn’t quite as polished as could be due to last minute editing scrambles. It all feels very avoidable. Any suggestions on how to handle this or talk about it? I’m very frustrated.

    1. Following. I could have written this post. I’ve worked with a coach to try to find solutions, but at of the day, my senior partner is stuck in his ways and won’t change, and the firm won’t do anything because he brings in so much money. I’m looking for other jobs (for this and other reasons).

    2. Try to build this in to your deadlines more? I don’t think you’ll get this person to change, so you probably have to work around him more.

    3. Make it someone else’s problem. If you haven’t already, start training up an associate to get things across the finish line. I was always responsible for this as an associate, even a very junior associate, so this does not seem like partner work to me. If you’re stuck with it because you were always the go-to associate then you need to train the next go-to associate to deal with stuff like this. (This is assuming your work product is in good shape and the senior partner’s edits are not earth shattering; if you’re working with someone who changes the entire theory of your case at 5 pm on filing day, that’s a different problem.)

       Practical tips in the meantime. Before filing day: don’t hold up sending something to the client/co-counsel because sr partner hasn’t gotten to it. Send to the client and say we’re still reviewing internally but wanted to get this to you sooner rather than later. Don’t be afraid to annoy the sr partner. Put reminders on his calendar a few days before a deadline and follow up. For filing day: Prepare as much stuff as possible ahead of time. Exhibits are time consuming to prepare and upload into some filing systems, but you can front load that work. Set a deadline for changes to the order of exhibits – like noon on filing day – so even if the order changes sorry no the numbers aren’t changing. If you have to add exhibits they go at the end. If you have to remove exhibits you have to redo the numbering but hopefully that doesn’t happen often. Running tables in briefs is always a bear for some reason, so changes to a brief that will change page numbers must be in by 3 pm. If you want to make additional nits fine but you can’t change anything that would impact the tables including page numbers.

    4. Ask them! Tell senior partner that you’ve noticed crunches at the end of multiple projects and ask if you can help with delegating or if another person could review work, or if you can help restructuring schedules.

       If the answer is no, then that’s it, you’ll have to deal with crunches.

    5. After nine years of practice, my experience has been that the partners who do this are aware that they are doing it and are not interested in changing their ways. Therefore, talking about it with them won’t improve the situation. Talking about it with them also runs the risk of you offending them or them unfairly labeling you as “unwilling to do the after hours work that the job requires.” I find fire drills exasperating, so my long-term goal is always to find a way to politely disentangle myself from being involved with these types of partners. In the short term, whenever circumstances allow, I use phrasing like the following when circulating drafts: “Partner, I’ve attached the draft motion for your review. To keep us on track with the February 14 filing deadline, I’ll send it to the client on February 7.” Then I hit send on February 7 whether or not I’ve heard from the partner and I CC the partner on the client email. But again, read the room before you do this.

    6. In my experience, this is not going to be something that will change easily.

       It kind of depends on the relationship you have with the sr. partner and their personality. The following tactics have worked for me: Having a frank conversation about the issue and getting buy-in that I can circulate/file myself and with client’s approval and will only come with questions, sitting in the sr partner’s office WHILE they go through the document, and being on a case where the client set the deadlines.

       However, those only worked where the sr partner was receptive and we already had great relationships. The far more likely scenario was that I’d be told some variant of “I’m too busy…” and then just be prepared for the late nights and not having as polished a final product as I would have done if left to my own devices.

    7. OP here – good advice. I haven’t really considered whether he is even aware this is happening so that’s a good starting point.

       1. If there are ever any procedural or administrative changes in the court rules, that’s a good opening to raise this again. “These rule changes are making it more administratively burdensome and time consuming to file, so unfortunately the attorneys will have to be more crunched with our edits too. We’ll need all edits to be in by 3 pm to make our filing deadlines.”

    8. This is why I left my firm. There was no managing up, and these types of totally avoidable “emergencies” were extremely frustrating, disruptive, stressful, and resulted in worse work product. It also reflected a larger micromanagement and refusal to reasonably delegate problem. It was not going to change, so I left, and if I go back to a firm I will try to have sufficient insight into whether this is common practice and if I can be the final say on filings.

17. I was talking to DH about this incident the other night and I wonder what you all think. I was leaving the office late at night. To get to my parking garage, I have to cross a somewhat narrow and usually empty side street where there have been multiple muggings, stabbings, and even a shooting. I have a good view of the street from my office; if anyone is loitering on the street I’ll ask the security guard to walk me to my car, but I always walk with a purpose and have my keys in my hand. That night I didn’t see anyone when I left my office but by the time I got outside there was a gray haired white man, probably an office worker, sort of meandering slowly in the direction of the garage. I crossed the street and quickly was way ahead of him. When he saw me, he picked up his pace. By the time I got to the elevator (the stairs don’t have any security cameras) he was running toward me. These are old industrial elevators, they aren’t very reactive and they will close on you. The door was almost closed when he said hold that!, and stuck his arm into the nearly closed door. At this point I’m alarmed because this man who was in no hurry before he saw me, ran after me, and is now cornering me in an elevator that he is risking his arm to pry his way into. I pressed the door open button and then slipped out of the elevator and took the stairs. The man made some huffy what the heck type comments, I couldn’t hear exactly what he said but b was in there.

    Even if this man meant me no harm, I’m angry? exasperated? that he is so privileged and entitled that he thinks a woman is wrong for removing herself from that situation. I didn’t yell or call him names or push him, I said nothing and simply left a situation that made me uncomfortable. DH said it never would’ve occurred to him to feel threatened, and he’s sure it didn’t occur to the man that he was acting threatening. I’m flabbergasted that anyone could think that the act of chasing someone down and then forcing your way into a closing elevator to corner them alone at night is acceptable behavior. I’m curious what you all think, was I overreacting?

    1. nope not overreacting! trust your gut (gift of fear and all that…)

    2. I would have been terrified; you’re definitely not overreacting. Glad you’re safe.

       1. A man RUNNING after you? Oh hell no. Screw him for even being grumpy about your reaction. Talk about entitled.

    3. Definitely not over reacting. I live alone in downtown Philly and walk home alone after dark (both after work and after meeting up with friends – so as late as midnight) regularly and this would really scare me.

    4. I don’t think you were. First, this sounds creepy (running?!). But also, years ago, I was walking home from work. It was probably around 8 at night in winter, so it was quite dark, and my route went around a park (this was not in NYC, but similar to walking on CPW). It was pretty deserted, and all of a sudden there was a man walking right behind me. It didn’t necessarily set off huge alarm bells, but he was close and I sped up a little to get some personal space. This guy then kept catching up to me and trying to explain that he didn’t mean anything, he didn’t want to scare me, etc. etc. and every time I was like, dude if you don’t want to make women feel uncomfortable, just leave them alone! I was like 25 at the time and less sure of myself than I am now, so I asked some male friends the next day if I was overreacting, and they unanimously said that they would deliberately keep their distance from a woman in that situation specifically because they wouldn’t want to scare her. I thought that was really telling.

    5. Honestly your DH and the man are both being obtuse here. Of course it’s an unsafe situation and you were totally right to do what you did.

       1. Yep! Even if the elevator man didn’t have bad intentions, it also bothers me that he did not understand that his actions would scare you. And the fact that he called you a name for getting off the elevator just underscores it all.

          1. +1

       2. This. Of course men wouldn’t get it.

          1. They should get it because we tell them. How many more centuries will we need to scream our fears from the rooftops? How long do we have to wait until men choose to care?

             1. Remember MeToo, when a huge number of women came out of the woodwork to say they’d experienced sexual harassment or assault? (Me too.) A few good men said it had opened their eyes, but a BUNCH of men in my social network had all kinds of Reasons it wasn’t true, that this many women couldn’t have experienced these things, so they must be overreacting, or misinterpreting, or seeking attention.

                Infuriating.

       3. This.

       4. Your DH is obtuse and Parking Lot Guy is obtuse at best. I’m still not convinced he meant you no harm.

          1. Perfectly put.

          2. I think he did mean harm.

             1. Absolutely, even if his end goal was nothing more than to weasel his way onto the elevator to force a stranger who made it clear they wanted to avoid him to endure his presence for a few floors. Even that is a gross power play and it sounds like he was miffed at not succeeding.

             2. I mean he followed it up with the b word according to OP, so he ABSOLUTELY meant harm of one sort or another.

          3. I agree with Senior Attorney.

    6. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all! I would have done the same thing. It makes me so mad/sad when I hear from men “hmmm, I never thought to look behind me/around/up/down/whatever”. They really cannot fathom what it’s like to be a woman, constantly on guard, in situations like that. I try and teach my teenage son what it’s like and I’m praying the younger generations have more understanding. Sorry this happened to you!

    7. We all know not to get in an elevator alone with a man and to get out of the elevator if a man gets in. Men who haven’t been raised properly and/or haven’t figured this out on their own are not worth worrying about.

       1. You never get in the elevator alone with man? I think I am pretty cautious and have gotten out of an elevator when someone made me feel uncomfortable (this has only happened to me once) but I don’t as a rule never get in one if a man is in.

          1. This is not a Mike Pence and Mother situation where we are talking about avoiding getting in the elevator with Fred from payroll on your way down to the lunch room.

             We are talking about not letting a creepy stranger corner you in a dark, isolated, enclosed space.

             1. One who broke into a run following OP. That’s creepy AF.

    8. No way – I would have been scared by that too.

    9. Why would you press the door open button?!

       1. I’m not the OP, but I can understand this. If the door had closed on the person’s arm, then the elevator probably wouldn’t move until the obstruction was gone, so she’s then trapped in an elevator with someone who can maybe pry the door open and block her access off.

          Pushing the open button makes the door open fully and it’s easier to get off the elevator into an area where you’re not cornered.

          We are socialized from birth to do the polite thing and to do what men tell us, so sometimes you just automatically push it before thinking through the whole scenario.

          Hope this helps!

          1. Yeah this is exactly right. I had actually pushed the door close button as soon as I got in the elevator. But when he stuck his arm in the door, the door did not immediately stop closing. Even though I pushed open, it still crunched his arm a little bit. In the moment I just wanted to get out and that was the way to do it.

       2. It’s really easy to Monday morning quarterback someone else’s reactions in a situation like this one. It’s like why were you wearing a tight/short skirt? Let’s not do that.

    10. This is creepy AF. I listen to all the murder podcasts and there are plenty of cases where a male attacked a female walking alone at night that he happened upon. Any decent person would keep his distance and try not to alarm someone walking alone, especially a woman. Maybe get the security guard to walk with you every time from now on.

    11. Of course you’re not overreacting.

        Seems like your DH is a good candidate for reading the Scroedinger’s r*apist article, to get som input.

    12. Absolutely not overreacting. This man specifically was a threat – you can tell by not only the running, but using a slur to refer to you when you left. I’m glad you’re safe.

    13. Of course it wouldn’t occur to your husband to feel threatened! God, men are so dense sometimes. I would have done exactly what you would have done. That guy was a dick, but I’m sure he went home and whined to his wife about how victimized he was by the whole thing.

        1. Ten years ago, husband did not understand why I made a wrong turn towards the police station when the same car had been following me for 10 turns. That’s when we talked about things women pay attention to that most men ignore.

    14. You’re fine. I would have been freaked out too. Good for you for leaving that elevator.

        He is in the wrong for catching up to you, halting the elevator, and then disparaging you for not hanging out in the elevator with him at night and making small talk.

    15. Definitely not overreacting.

        Your DH is not lying that he would not have felt uncomfortable/in danger. That’s male privilege.

        I bet he also never had to watch his drinks in college to avoid getting roofied when that is an all too common female experience.

        Maybe have him read the Gift of Fear

    16. Nope, I would be scared too. I was once mugged by a guy who followed me into a building, so now I’m the weirdo who shuts the door in people’s faces to see if they have a key/badge/code. People have made rude comments to me but I don’t care. Of course men don’t think the same, and I really wish they were more aware.

    17. Totally not overreacting, this would have scared me too and wow I’m shocked your husband didn’t get it. Frankly, I’d be pissed at him too but I’ve lectured my brother/dad/husband enough about the cr@p women encounter (with my mom/SIL/aunts) all backing me up that I think they get it now. Also, for those of us raising boys – talk about this with them! They won’t learn otherwise.

    18. I don’t think you were overreacting at all and I also think men can be clueless about this kind of thing. I explained to my husband that while he thinks he is being polite in letting a woman get out of the elevator first, that if she insists he go first, to just go. She is waiting to make sure that he doesn’t follow her off the elevator. This happened to me in a hotel before. I’m not sure if the man was just being polite but it made me nervous that he insisted I get off first. He also waited and did not push a button for the floor even though he was in the elevator first. I pretended to forget something and went back down to the lobby to take another elevator.

    19. It’s been almost 20 years but I still remember: in 1L crim law, before staring the unit on sexual assault, the professor asked those who had felt physically unsafe at any time in the last two weeks to raise their hands. 85% of the women in the class did, only one guy. (The guy later self-disclosed that he was a veteran with PTSD.) It was a good framework for tackling a topic that so many women would have had first-hand experience with – and also a way to demonstrate to men the very real sense of danger that women have adapted to using as a means of self preservation.

        1. Great example. Did the men in the class take it seriously, or did they do the equivalent of an eye roll? I feel like men’s reactions to moments like this have gotten worse in the last 10 ish years or even closer in.

    20. Sounds very scary. Someone suddenly running towards you at night in a deserted alley is … not okay! I hope your DH can think on his reaction more.

    21. So I read this to my early 20s son who said that it is extremely suspect and not normal behaviour for the guy and that you were completely justified and had a normal reaction.

    22. Maybe it is because he grew up in a bad part of a big city, but my husband would have felt threatened in this situation for sure (and would be angry at the elevator guy even if he “meant no harm”).

        On the other hand my husband is sometimes taken aback by how aggressive the country club set can be (bare teeth smiles and lots of pseudo-friendly forced touching, like the “back pats” or “arm on shoulder” men use to bully people). It’s hard to relate to people who feel so on top of the world and view those things as NBD.

    23. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all, and I live in a very safe town.

    24. Your husband should read the book ‘the gift of fear’.
        You did exactly the right thing.

    25. Elevator guy doesn’t get it. Not your fault op I’m glad you’re ok.

        I used to work in a high crime area. Once i was walking to my car alone after court and I heard my adversary, who I know professionally, behind me. He was yelling my name and calling me honey and saying he was right behind me. I turned around disgusted thinking he lost his mind only to realize that two strange men had been following me and they ran the other way when I turned around. That is a good dude.

        1. Oh, he absolutely gets it. He knew what he was doing. OP, I’m so glad you listened to your instincts.

           1. Agree. He knew exactly what he was doing. At best, it was a power move. Not one he’d make on a man.

    26. I would have been terrified. Good decision on your part.

    27. For the record, most people are more polite about space since Covid. If someone doesn’t want to share an elevator you don’t force it under even normal circumstances. No way was he OK doing this at night when a single female is trying to get distance, much less in a location with known crime. You were incredibly smart in the moment and I’d hope I would have enough good instincts to hit open instead of close. Picture your mom in this situation and guarantee you’ll realize just how smart and lucky you were.

18. Been forever since I’ve been on a beach vacation and have one coming up in FL. What are the best shoes for long walks on the beach? I want protection from critters and shells, and also some support, but would like quick dry so they are dry by the time i take another beach walk at dusk the same day, which rules out sneakers. Honestly, I have visuals of those water shoes that were in use last time I did this, and they were just so so ugly. Please tell me there is something better out there.

    1. I personally can’t stand wearing shoes on the beach (there’s a reason shoobies are called shoobies), but if you don’t want water shoes (which is your best bet), I would wear a rubber sandal (tevas, chacos) or crocs. The fabric straps on tevas / chacos may not dry in time though.

    2. Just go barefoot

    3. Flip flops?
       Salomon water shoes look more like sneakers than slippers

    4. Fit flops flip flops. Look for water resistant materials. They’re made for exercise.

    5. Keens are my preferred shoe if I’m going to be on my feet in a wet/beach/marshy area for a long time. Otherwise, I go barefoot.

19. Speaking of crime and instincts… is anyone else in the DC area freaked out by all the carjackings? I know that the stats have been going up for more than a year, but the latest spate has me pretty rattled. A guy was shot in a bustling part of town as he waited to pick up his wife, a law firm partner. I have to drive into DC twice a week and I feel like a sitting duck at stoplights now.

    1. Not in DC, but worried about this when I drive in Oakland. There have been multiple carjackings with infants or children inside.

    2. I’m in the area. I know the odds of being a target a still very low despite the overall increase, but certainly it is unnerving.

    3. I live in NW and drive downtown three times a week for work. I’ve been making a conscious effort to lock my doors on my 20-30 minute commute – definitely more aware while driving here than I’ve been before.

    4. The comments here specifically associating majority-Black areas with crime are pretty gross. I usually think of this board as fairly progressive, but I guess white some anti-BIPOC instincts are tough to lose.

       1. The only one who has mentioned race is you.

       2. There are 20 carjackings every week in DC. If you don’t mind having a fun put to your head, and maybe even your car stolen with your kids in the back, you do you. Just don’t look down on people who aren’t insane and want to avoid that.

       3. There are a lot of car jackings, armed robberies of people in their cars, and tons of smash and grabs in Oakland.

          This is a real thing. I live here. It’s in the news every day. Businesses near OAK have been closing because their customers are not safe.

20. Thoughts on NYDJ? I hear great things about their pants and I’m going to buy a pair for work. I’m curious for opinions about any of their tops.

    For reference, after a few kids and c-sections (and having not lost all my baby weight after a few years … ) I appreciate some help smoothing out or camouflaging my middle. My impression is that NYDJ is kind of designed just for women like me. I have come to really prefer natural fiber clothes rather than polyester, though I know fabric technology has come a long way.

    1. I pretty much exclusively wear their jeans, mostly the Marilyn straight cut. They’re very comfortable and flattering, particularly on a belly. Their tops are generally pretty flowy and comfortable as well. Definitely think all my tops are poly though, so wouldn’t be my first choice if you’re looking for natural fibers. Jeans are >90% cotton but can’t be fully cotton in order to accomodate the stretch in the fabric.

    2. They’re ok. I was happy with the cut and support and would buy more of them, but i found them to be a little short on the length, and the shortness increased after a washing.

21. I love this top.

    That is all.

    1. I just ordered it in black. First Spanx purchase.

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