Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Theia Ruffled Top

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1. Thoughts on the DemDebate? [Disclaimer: I am a centrist Democrat; I think highly of Sanders and Warren as individuals, but am concerned that their policy positions are unsustainable.] While I think Biden should go gracefully into a well-deserved retirement, and he’s not as sharp at his age as Sanders and Warren are, I thought Castro’s behavior was bullying and Trump-like. I like Booker, I applaud Beto’s “hell yes, we’ll take away your AK-47”, and I am very impressed by Pete Buttigieg. Amy Klobuchar is steady and reasoned and while I don’t think she’s the best POTUS candidate, I’d love to see her in a cabinet position. Andrew Wang is an impressive man, but I don’t think he’s the right candidate for this time either.

   1. Harris? Thoughts?

   2. I tend to agree with all that, Lauren. :-) I’ll add that I think Buttigieg would be my “dream world” president for the moment, but I fear he wouldn’t be able to win a national election. Sadly.

      1. +1

      2. As a fellow gay American, I really want to like Pete.

         My problem is that he is actually not a very good mayor (just look at the police force there). If you can’t be good at running a small city, how can you run our whole country?

         I’m over incompetent men failing up.

   3. An important correction- Andrew Yang is the candidate’s name.

      1. I apologize for typing Wang. I did know it was Yang.

   4. I highly disagree that Warren’s policy positions aren’t unsustainable. That kind of shallow hot take is just parroting conservative show talking heads and not actually reading her positions. I cannot think of a single good reason why her recently released Social Security plan isn’t a) eminently doable and b) good for America. It’s not to say that I agree with every last thing that she’s ever said, but the only thing stopping us from implementing her reasonable policies is political infighting among the elite and desire to protect the rich from paying their fair share, not realism or demand from the people.

      Buttigieg lost my enthusiasm after I read the supremely thorough takedown in Current Affairs. Highly recommend.

      1. The reason Warren’s (or Sanders’s) policies aren’t likely to pass reality test isn’t because the aren’t good, comprehensive ideas. It’s because they’ll never make it through Congress without getting mangled into something even worse than the status quo. The problem isn’t the executive branch, but we can’t pretend the legislative and lobbying branches (yes, it’s the 4th branch of government) don’t exist.

         1. Then what are we supposed to do? Start with an worse plan and watch that get mangled too? I fully reject shooting for a low bar.

            1. I don’t have an answer but I’m telling you right now the only bar I’m setting is voting for the person who is most electable and can beat the orange child (and I’m a conservative-leaning independent). I can tell you right now I’m going to need a lot of convincing that would be Warren or Sanders.

            2. I think you have to start with something closer to a compromise than a start-from-scratch best-world dream. We aren’t starting with a blank slate, so we have to think about ways to fix what exists, or at least account for it. A workable plan has to take into mind who is going to lose under the change, and how to deal with the class that stands to lose, whether that’s insurance companies, hospital complexes, physicians groups, etc. Until you can tell them how this won’t be “catastrophic”for them, they are going to fight tooth and nail until your plan is so full of exceptions and holes that it resembles the tax code.

            3. We’ll have to agree to disagree on whether Warren’s plans are “workable” according to your framework, but I appreciate the response.

            4. Agree with Anon at 9:07, except I’m a flaming liberal, and I will 100% support anyone with a realistic chance of beating the Cheeto.

            5. I really, really want to someday end up with Medicare for All and a truly functional Social Security program and a lot of other things. But now may not be the moment to push for that because of how far to the right things have swung. I have a lot of ideas and ideals and dreams for the future. In 2020 I am going to vote for the person who can beat Trump (fortunately, right now polls are showing I am going to have an array of choices). We are poised on the brink of fascism in this country and we need to retreat back from that position and THEN figure out how we evolve our society forward. And I think we will get there. I’ve been reading a lot of comments on news stories lately (something I usually don’t do) and I am getting a sense that people are generally fed up. We are now being asked to pay exorbitant amounts for healthcare and housing while saving for college for our kids and retirement for ourselves, and possibly also pay for our parents’ elder care to boot. It’s too much. Something has to give. We’re having the right conversations about all of this but we need to get 45 out to have any chance of moving the needle in favor of the long-term survival of the middle class.

      2. My view on Elizabeth Warren is that she wants to take money from some people and give it to others. Taxes are meant to pay for our government and shared resources, not to redistribute money to achieve some politician’s idea of “fairness.”

         1. Yes that is exactly what she wants to do. I’m all for it.

            1. +1M

            2. Then give away your own money and keep your greedy little paws off mine.

         2. Right. . . so if government and shared resources need to be paid for, you want everyone to pay the same amount? Of course taxes are about reidstribution.

         3. That is exactly what Taxes are. She’s wouldn’t be literally taking your money and writing checks to poor people. She’d be distributing resources for the betterment of society as a whole. And yes, that does include stabilizing society through welfare programs like social security. Oh how nice your roads will be as you leave your gated community and are afraid to step out the car until you reach another gated community because everything in between is a sh*thole – because that’s what happens when you let society bottom out.

            1. Yes she would literally take money from people and give it to other people. Do you read?

      3. Yes she would literally take money from people and give it to other people. Do you read?

         1. I don’t find this to be at all compelling.It reads as very superficial to me. (And I say this as a Warren fan.)

         2. Reading that article now (not yet done), but I have to point out that it was written in March. Buttigieg didn’t officially launch his campaign until April. I’m not surprised that he didn’t yet have things fleshed out, but he does now. The author also clearly states his bias against several groups that Pete belongs to, without much of a good reason. I know very few, if any, undergraduates who have pondered the “moral quandary” of being at an elite school and what they pay their janitors (who are more than likely contracted, and so the school isn’t even paying them anyways). The author faults Buttigieg for working for McKinsey straight out of school, because McKinsey is apparently the devil (please note, that I fully admit that (while a capitalist) I have issues with just about every major corporation, and even I don’t fault Buttigieg for this!). McKInsey is also the top dog in consulting, I’ve never heard of anyone turning down an offer from them! Hardly something to fault him for. The article mentions that he did a lot of computer work while deployed, and then faults him for getting out there and meeting Afghans. I don’t know, and I doubt the author does either, were there any ANG soldiers that Pete worked with? If not, he’d have little to no opportunity to meet any Afghans. Apparently, “the people of Kabul appear as anonymous pieces of scenery.”. While I’ve not been to a war zone, I have many friends who have and I’ve never gotten the impression from any of them that you’re able to just walk around Kabul and meet people. The only time he was out in the city and off base, I’m sure was in transit (I know he attended meetings).

            I feel like the author is holding Buttigieg to an impossibly high standard, and I would like to see the same author profile the other candidates and hold them to the same, impossibly high standard.

            To me, the piece reflects more poorly on the author than it does on Buttigieg.

            1. You’re correct on the Afghanistan part. I was there in 2008, which was a relative time of peace in my sector, and you sure as he11 weren’t allowed to walk around off the compound! If you were an office type (I was, and so was Pete), unless you were fortunate enough to participate in nation-building type excursions (wells, schools, etc), you had no chance to meet an Afghan the entire year you were there. The cooks and cleaners on base were generally brought in from eastern Europe or Africa because locals’ allegiances couldn’t be trusted. Because, um, this is a WAR and people are actively trying to KILL you, and the U.S. military isn’t going to let you go sightseeing and be killed or worse, captured.

               So the author’s just uninformed and grasping at straws.

            2. You can definitely fault someone for working for McKinsey, just like you can fault someone for working for Altria or the NRA. There are serious ethical issues to consider (many of which are laid out in the article).

         3. Uh yeah. Not persuasive at all. It seems a grumpy writer took a dislike to Pete and then scrounged up ways to justify his dislike.

            1. Yup! Reflects more poorly on the author than on Pete, in my mind

   5. I have a lot of opinions on the debate, but have one in particular: O’Rourke’s mandatory buy-back program would cost Dem’s the election. Conservatives have been saying “they’ll take our guns!” for years, and his mandatory buy-back is exactly that. It will trigger a single-issue election over guns and drive conservatives to the polls. There are plenty of reforms that are welcomed to the majority of gun owners, but a mandatory buy-back is not going to be welcome around the non-coastal elite parts of this country.

      1. This is a lie. There are not effective gun control measures supported by the majority of gun owners. If there were, we would have them. This country managed to fully ban alcohol. I think we can handle one specific gun.

         1. That’s false – there is strong bipartisan support for background checks and red flag laws.

         2. Over 90% of Americans support expanded background checks and a strong majority support other gun control measures, including banning assault weapons. We don’t have these measures, because the NRA gives politicians hundreds of millions of dollars to block all gun control efforts. The NRA is doing what the organization wants, not what their members want (75% of NRA members want expanded background checks).

         3. Prohibition is not exactly the example you wanna lean on given that it lead to a thriving black market and was a significant boost to organized crime.

            1. Right. And that was a hundred years ago. There’s no way – NO WAY – Prohibition would work now. Also, hard drugs are illegal and look how well that’s working out!

      2. Those people are not voting for a Dem candidate period. So, who cares?

         1. Do you live in the Rust Belt? I know tons of blue collar union families who lean Dem and dislike Trump but would be reluctant to vote for a candidate who wants to take their guns (I know he’s not proposing to take handguns or hunting rifles but that nuance is lost on a lot of people).

            1. I’m from the Rust Belt, Ohio actually. What people think is the epitome of a “purple” state. Let me be clear: Blue Dog Democrats are dead. Quite honestly, I don’t want people who are ignorant enough to believe the “immigrants are taking your jobs” propaganda as an excuse to vote for a misogynistic, racist like Trump in my party. Those votes are lost because now certain things are okay. I moved out of Ohio as soon as I was at a point in my career that I could. This country can’t help people who can’t help themselves. The low middle-to poor white communities of the Rust Belt will continue to be lost until they wake up and realize that they aren’t unlike the people they love to hate so much.

            2. It sucks you know so many ignorant idiots.

            3. I live in Indiana with gun toting family members and friends all over the place. They know the difference between handguns, hunting rifle and AK-47s. In fact, I have never met a gun owner that doesn’t know the differences between those types of guns. I’m scratching my head that this is viewed as just a “nuance” in your circles. My view is that it’s like gun owners not understanding the difference between a sedan and an 18-wheeler.

            4. It’s a point of pride to me that I don’t know the differences between these things. I also don’t know the finer points of a mullet haircut or child beauty pageants either. All are tacky, low class interests that I needn’t learn about. Ewwwww.

         2. I disagree with this. My husband and I will both likely vote for a Dem candidate, we also own the type of guns that Beto thinks he can “mandatorily buy back” aka confiscate. Gun policy is probably the second- or third- most important issue to us in this election. We would never support a candidate that thinks that fascism is okay, and therefore would never support a candidate who thinks that gun confiscation is acceptable.

            1. OK. But that may mean Democratic party leaves you and your husband behind, if you are essentially a single-issue gun policy voter (there’s really nothing fascist about a buyback program so I’m not going to take that rhetoric bite).

            2. I literally said it was the second or third most important issue to me. I’m not a single-issue gun policy voter, I’m a lifelong mainstream Democrat who is extremely concerned with the deep-seated fervor for authoritarianism that both mainstream parties in this country are turning to.

               The problem with the party leaving people like me behind, who are anti-Fox pro-science intellectuals who are wary of the militarization of police is that there aren’t as many socialists in this country as people think there are. 2016 proved that, when I voted for Clinton happily and the wives of the finance guys I work with voted for DJT because their husbands told them to – not for any actual alignment with values or campaign promises. If we get left behind, we aren’t able to vote in favor of carbon taxes, equal rights, universal basic income, healthcare, or protecting people from the police that forget due process is critical to our functioning as a society. If for whatever reason Beto were to get the nomination, the true single-issue gun voters wouldn’t even have a shot.

               I would probably be totally okay with seeing more restrictions on handguns, seeing as they kill far more people in this country than “scary” guns. I’d be 100% okay with domestic abusers to never be allowed to get their hands on firearms, period. Instead of Beto saying that he’s going to confiscate some guns I own because they look scary, I’d like to see proposals for combating toxic masculinity’s impact on violence and why young white men think mass shootings are cool. I’d like to see proposals for getting jobs for disillusioned black and brown men who feel their only option is joining gangs. And probably most importantly, expansion of mental health resources for people in rural areas given how out-of-control suicide by gun rates are in those places. Hearing some of those types of promises, instead of a useless trope about confiscating certain types of guns, would make me ecstatic to vote for one of the Dem candidates.

            3. The government seizes property (land) and compensates the owner for “fair value” for what is argued as a public purpose, under eminent domain. We don’t consider that fascist and rise up against it. Genuinely curious why a mandatory buyback program of a specific weapon isn’t viewed in a similar light?

            4. @Scary gun-owning Dems: FWIW, I agree with you that there is (to me) a troubling turn away by both parties towards authoritarianism of one form or another. On the right I see a troubling comfort with vesting increasing power in the military and police and with ever-expanding executive powers. On the left I see an incredibly disheartening perspective that only government can solve our problems – a lack of faith in or commitment to local communities and organizations.

               Both sides think that the kind of government power they’re okay with is benign, but it’s only benign so long as you are ideologically aligned with how it’s being used.

               I think of myself as, for lack of a better word, a communitarian liberal. I believe that democracy is strongest when exercised close to home, and I’d prefer that the federal government’s power be exercised only to address issues that can’t be handled at a local scale, or to safeguard that local democracy. I got to this place because I don’t actually trust the federal government – whether R or D – to do much to take care of poor people in my SEUS community. Neither Obama nor Trump did anything to help address the fact that a staggering percentage of people in my state are over an hour from the nearest emergency room, for example.

            5. @joan wilder. Google “eminent domain abuse.” There are many people who have deep concerns about how eminent domain is used – and those people come from all over the political spectrum.

            6. @joan wilder, the 5th amendment says seizing land by way of eminent domain is fine as long as it’s “justly compensated,” but agree with anon that there are concerns about that, too. The 2nd amendment says nothing of the sort and has largely been interpreted to say the exact opposite – there is no just compensation for seizure of firearms because the 2nd amendment has been interpreted to say that there’s no constitutional way to infringe on the ownership of firearms.

               @anon at 12:08pm, I appreciate and agree with your thoughts that increasing power in the police (though I’m slightly more okay with the military just due to experience) and over-reliance on the government. I don’t trust wealthy, white, Christian, authoritative men to make decisions for me, so why would I allow them to take my weapons and monopolize violence? I especially do not trust police, who have ABSURD rates of domestic violence. Thanks for having a measured tone and being willing to engage in these discussions – sometimes I think people automatically think I’m nuts here because I have a slightly more strict constructionist viewpoint despite being a classic northeastern, preppy, well-educated wealthy liberal.

            7. I get it – but if there is one policy which you hold so deeply (e.g., availability of AK-47s for civilian use) that you would toss all other policy issues aside and vote for the “other candidate” (or not vote at all, I guess) that, to me, is a single issue voter.

               For example, my view is that the best policy to implement which would decrease gun violence is to eliminate the number of guns available. The policy is so widely backed by science/research that it seems like a slam dunk. I’d also be in favor of the other stuff you mention, but, without decreasing the number of guns, it seems sort of like a fairy tale.

            8. @hi hi hi, just want to clarify that my “single issue” in that case is not guns, it’s authoritarianism. So if a candidate stood up and said that police forces should all get tanks, it would drive me away. If a candidate said that political protest was not acceptable, it would drive me away.

               I also want to note that the government has no idea that I own an AR-15 — how are they going to come take it? We have a pro-2A Supreme Court right now that would decide in my favor, that doesn’t help the confiscation cause either.

            9. Aren’t you just … embarrassed to own a gun? You really don’t think it marks you as a redneck? Bc it does.

            10. @LaurenB, I’m not sure why no one has called you out for how much classist bullsh!t you’re spewing here and in your weird mullets and pageants comment, but it’s certainly highlighting why certain people in this country, particularly in the south, feel completely ostracized by the political party that was once their champion. I’ll certainly be pretty upset if DJT gets reelected so maybe you could examine why you think that being rude to people is a successful persuasive technique?

            11. It’s not weird; it’s just that you seem not to understand that in many parts of the country, across multiple socioeconomic classes, guns are simply not part of a normal person’s existence and it’s considered, frankly, odd to want a gun. Or if someone has a gun, they treat it as an unfortunate but necessary tool (sort of like having an alarm system on one’s house). So hearing of someone who has multiple guns — and actually wants a semi-automatic (or automatic, whatever the heck it is) is just weird. It’s cultural, I agree. American gun culture is embarrassing. Sorry if that offends you.

   6. I like Warren for President and Harris, Castro, or Buttigieg for VP.

   7. You can’t bully the front runner, which Biden is in many ways. If he can’t handle the heat he shouldn’t be on the stage.

      1. I think one of the benefits of a debate is seeing the demeanor and attitude a candidate uses to pressure other politicians who oppose them. Perhaps the recipient should be able to handle it, but I still have strong opinions about what good leadership looks and sounds like.

   8. I walk away with the same take every time. If the nominee is Warren or Sanders, I’ll be voting DJT. Voted for Hillary last time but I’m not voting in someone who is anti wealth and anti corporate America which what do you know — generates wealth. And govt health care that gets rid of private insurance — LOL — seeing how well the govt runs the VA, I’m gonna say no. So if you want DJT out, get it together and get Biden on the ticket. And I live in a must win state that went red last time, believe me I’m not the only one who feels like this.

      1. I’m going to get flamed, but same. This. I felt the same way about Bernie in 2016 and was so thrilled and relieved that the candidate was Clinton. Yes, I am privileged. I will never deny that. Yes, I got a head start on the race. Should the starting line be addressed? Of course. No doubt. But taking the medals away from the winners who didn’t cheat – just followed the rules (and I get you can lots about those rules) only causes the winners to stop running. And our society relies on everyone to run, at least a little.

         1. Exactly this. The things that socialists are railing about are not my personal problems just because I make 200k+ or 300k+ or whatever. I didn’t just luck into where I’m at so why should I be giving up medals so that every participant can get a medal? You all better get Biden on the ballot or get ready for 4 more years as there are many of us who feel this way in certain UMC income brackets — most are quiet about it but quietly voting for Trump is what won him the election last time.

            1. + 1000

            2. Jesus, this is so offensive as a non-American. My husband and I clear 6 figures and our income is only growing but that doesn’t mean as students we didn’t need and utilize all the government services our country has to offer. I can’t imagine being so selfish that I would basically say eff the poor. My husband and I did work hard but there was so so much luck involved. Over 500 people applied for my job, I don’t lie to myself and say I was most qualified, it was a combination of being qualified and dumb luck.

      2. Anti wealth or anti super wealth? Warren isn’t saying she wants everyone to have the same net worth. She’s saying that if you are fortunate to have made ridiculous fortunes, you can contribute a little more than you are now. Frankly it would only take taxes roughly to they were pre-2018.

         1. Thank you for making this point. I wish Warren would do a better job of speaking to the moderates.

         2. Personally, I do not like her, but I do not think this blog is the place for us to talk politics. This is a fashion blog, where we also discuss issues germaine to us as women, and politics is not a male/female thing where we choose people. We should leave that to the voting booth. Dad also talks politics all the time, and personally, it bores me when he spouts off on these people I have never heard of, or if I have heard of them, I am NOT interested in listening more to their schticks. I wonder why some of those people even want to be president, b/c he makes only $400,000 a year, which is NOT alot of money for a 24/7 Job and all the stress. FOOEY! I have been in the White House, and trust me, it is nicer from the outside then the inside, and who needs to have secret servants hanging around you 24/7. No, not me. I value my privacy.

      3. Wow, so you would vote for someone who pressures his staff to make scientists lie about a weather report? Someone who is using government money (aka, your tax dollars) to increase his own wealth? Someone who has said in his second term he’d focus on basically destroying Medicare and Social Security? Someone who has made enemies of nearly all our former allies? Someone who revers and would like to emulate murderous strongmen? Someone who is bent on rolling back every environmental protection we have? Someone who thinks it’s a great idea to keep children in subpar conditions because their parents didn’t follow all his (probably illegal) rules when trying to escape desperate circumstances? All because you are afraid that people like Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates will have to make do with gobs and gobs and gobs of money instead of gobs and gobs and gobs and gobs?

         When did America get so selfish, cruel, and stupid? And yeah, I’m calling names, because if the shoe fits…

         1. I mean America is based on genocide and slavery with an Enlightenment veneer, so it’s always been pretty cruel. But more selfish now yes.

         2. Strong argument with the name calling. So maybe I am stupid and selfish and cruel, yet I still get a vote — even if I’m not a socialist wanting government health care, free college and whatever else.

            1. Yes, you are stupid, selfish, and cruel. You’re also a terrible, privileged person who should go live on an island by yourself if you do not believe that society has the obligation to help people who are less fortunate than you.

            2. It’s like you’ve never traveled outside the US and have no clue that some form of universal health care is the norm in all other major Westernized countries and it provides a level of comfort and freedom that we in the US don’t have.

         3. PolyD, what you refuse or can’t seem to grasp is that there are many voters who will hold their noses and vote for Trump b/c we do not want America to become a socialist country, and do not want to see the death of the idea that America is the land of opportunity where you will reap the benefits of your own hard work. I don’t like Trump as a person. I wish he were more presidential, and had a more organized, coherent, and stable administration. But I will still vote for him over any of the candidates on the stage last night. That doesn’t make me stupid, or a bad person. And I don’t need to think that you are a stupid or bad person to fundamentally disagree with you.

            1. It does align you with a racist, misogynist, amoral criminal. Is that the company you want to keep?

            2. It does say you are okay with using racist lies to win elections. That you are okay with packing the courts with judges who will make racism, sexism, pro-pollution and anti-labor laws permanent. It says you are okay with an administration that breaks laws. It says you are okay with an administration who is doing everything in its power to tax blue states (see: messing around with state and property tax deductions) which, by they way subsidize red states, but I don’t hear people like you crying that the blue states have to “give their medals” to the losers in the red states.

               I just can’t believe, if you are as smart as you say you are, you are okay with all the criminal, racist, sexist, anti-science, anti-environment, lawless things this administration is doing just to keep a few more dollars in your pocket. I also can’t believe you are falling for the OMG SOCIALISM!! nonsense. How is Trump’s bailout of farmers not socialist? How is his support of the dying coal industry not socialist? How is “hereby ordering” companies to stop production in China not socialist?

               Or is “socialism” only bad when tax money goes to help people who are poorer/darker/less fortunate than you?

            3. Clapping emoji for Anon @12:02. This exactly!

            4. You’re voting for a dictatorship instead tho

      4. Trump is literally demented (his cognitive decline is staggering). You shouldn’t vote for him for that reason alone, even if you are a conservative.

         1. If the Republicans would just put up a challenger (besides that guy from Mass with zero name recognition), it would be a slam dunk esp in the event that Biden isn’t the nominee. I have zero interest in candidates who are anti wealth and want to continuously redistribute others’ hard earned money so everyone can feel free to get a free useless college degree in English lit or tabla playing or whatever. Nor do I want government anywhere near my healthcare.

            1. No one is going to outlaw private healthcare. You would have more options.

               I don’t understand why you think college degrees in English lit or tabla playing or whatever are useless. College degree holders earn more wealth over their lifetimes, have better health outcomes and are less likely to end up in prison.

               I just do not see how that is anti-wealth.

            2. Hi hi hi, de Blasio, Sanders and Warren have all said that their plans would abolish private healthcare. If we can’t take the candidates at their word, what makes them better than Trump?

            3. Warren has said she would eliminate private healthcare insurance. Private healthcare and private healthcare insurance are not the same thing. You could pay out of pocket / full price for services from private healthcare providers.

            4. And, as I understand it, their plans would “eliminate” private health insurance offered on the same terms as government insurance, to ensure equity among patient care. It would not bar supplemental plan coverage. I did not see it live, but I understand you are referring to a debate question. The responses were not necessarily aligned with their plans.

            5. Soooo the wealthy/super wealthy get A+ care and everyone else gets C care? I’m not at all sure what the right answer is on this one but don’t love the idea of a proposal that creates so much inequity out of the gate.

      5. This Elizabeth Warren? https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/08/elizabeth-warrens-theory-of-capitalism/568573/
         IMO, she’s much more centrist than she lets on – to the point she’s actually my favorite candidate.
         Unfortunately, I think sexism will play just as much of a role in 2020 as it did in 2016, so I still think Biden has the best shot of defeating Trump.

         1. Yup, the country is still not ready for a woman. It’s a damn shame. But, as much as I like Warren I don’t want her to get the nomination. We need an electable candidate over all else

      6. Smdh.

         1. Shake your head all you want but we get votes too often in states that are must win. Maybe don’t ignore us because you assume that everyone thinks like a NYC/Cali liberal and if they don’t they’re dumb — because us dumb people vote too.

            1. Did not call anyone dumb. Smart people have bad policy ideas all the time. Hence, smdh.

   9. Beto swearing about guns won me Bingo yesterday at our debate watching party!

   10. I feel like our approaches to this discussion come back to what I saw posted here a few months ago – that there are two types of people in this world, those who want the future generations to suffer as much as they did and those who want the future generations to suffer less. That really stuck with me and I find it to be really true when it comes to the policy proposals of the progressive candidates.

       1. It’s not about wanting others to suffer. It’s about making sure I’m not made to suffer because I’m soooo concerned about the next generation’s interests. I am concerned about the next gen — of MY family — so my first interest is setting it up so THEY don’t suffer. You can see how someone would look first to their family, not random kids they don’t know whether they are first gen college students with 8000000 in debt or stuck at the border. You can only worry about so many things at once — loyalty demands that your own family be at the top of that list.

          1. Isn’t it possible that you and your family will suffer someday (in your lifetime) if Social Security and Medicare don’t exist?

          2. I know I’m several days late to this conversation, but I have to wonder — what makes you (i.e. people willing to vote for Trump) so sure that he won’t screw over you? Or your kid? People who look out for no one but themselves can’t be trusted.

             EVEN assuming that you are lily-white and privileged in every way, it’s still in your best interest to put some into the pot to help everyone. Otherwise, society breaks down.

             Society, the economy, and wealth are all based on trust and a group buy-in. The eventual result of Trump breaking society norms and being openly corrupt is creating a society where no one wins. All the zeros in your bank account mean nothing without everyone agreeing to “follow the rules” of society. The basic takeaway from the Gilded Age is that some socialism is better than complete collapse. Is the risk of having nothing (and your children having nothing!) worth the incremental increase in taxes? That seems incredibly short-sighted.

       2. Aka “I got mine”. I am at least so many people are revealing for who they really are because of Trump, so I know to avoid them.

   11. Anyone else concerned about Biden’s “record player” comments? I found that whole colloquy pretty appalling — if he is the “front runner”, then he needs a better response about dealing with institutional racism than suggesting that the solution is for parents to turn on the “radio” and the “record player”.

       1. Eh, I’m just over half his age, and say things like, “Make sure you tape that show”, when nobody’s actually taped a show in what, 15+ years now? It got an eyeroll and bit of a facepalm from me, but I don’t find it to be a showstopper.
          I wish he could emulate Warren’s crispness of response, but it’s probably not going to happen.
          I did actually like that he acknowledged being on the wrong side of the Iraq discourse. I think so far he’s done a crap job of acknowledging that a 50 record of public service is going to leave you on the wrong side of history from time to time.

2. What’s your favorite paper planner? I like spiral bound so it lays flat, and a week-at-a-glance would probably be helpful. I’m a lawyer, mostly litigation, so I have to look at deadlines long range as well as keeping up with daily appointments and court appearances.

   1. I’ve used the same one two years in a row but different sizes – on Amazon, Blue Sky Weekly & Monthly Planner.It has a month calendar and then goes by weeks. I think it’s durable and I have plenty of room to write, although if you are a lawyer, I’d look into the larger size. I did that one first, didn’t need all the space, and have been using the 5 x 8 this past year.

      1. +1 to Blue Sky. Nice and straightforward, stand up to lots of getting shuffled around a backpack or purse.

   2. I always use a hardcover Moleskin – mine lays flat and I like the simplicity of the pages.

   3. I’ve been using one from Appointed the last few years. I like having weeks plus to do lists. Also, it’s a beautiful planner.

   4. I started using a Day Designer from Target. Weekly and monthly pages, spaces to write things going on each day and a to-do list if that’s your thing.

   5. I’m also a lawyer and my favorite is Planner Pads. I love the three tiered system where I can do a brain dump of everything I need to get done during the week, then a daily task list, plus an hourly calendar. I can put down my court appearances and meetings but still have everything I need to do listed. And I can see my entire week at once. They have a monthly overview too (and maybe yearly), but those aren’t as useful for me because my court hearings move frequently (criminal law).

      I love the Sunday or Monday brain dump where I lost absolutely everything that needs to get done big or small at the top. Then I divvy up the tasks on a daily basis. It’s the only planner I’ve found that helps me stay on top of a rigid court schedule plus a flexible but lengthy to do list. And it’s small and light enough to carry in my purse.

   6. Start Planner! It has everything you could possibly need and there’s a casebound that lays flat. I use the “Hustle Weekly”.

   7. The Mountain Planner. Has Monthly planning pages, weekly planning/recap pages and daily pages with hourly appointment listings and to – do list along with notes. Pages are undated which I like. Isn’t spiral bound but lays flat and is very appealing in presentation.

3. For the question yesterday about Poshmark, the price list one sold items is what the item sold for. I’ve purchased and sold quite a bit on Poshmark and I went back and checked. So it’ll give you a good idea. When I buy on Poshmark, I always make an offer and usually it’s accepted. Also, I’ve asked friends make a low offer on an item and then I come in and make a little higher offer. It usually works.

4. Has anyone managed to gradually, slowly lose weight by making small changes? I’m curious because I think small changes have made me gain some weight (for example, eating 100-150 calories in pieces of candy from the bowl at work nearly every day and exercising a little less due to my new schedule), but I’m not sure if it will go the other way. Has anyone lost weight by doing things like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, walking for 10 minutes after dinner, switching from cream in coffee to black coffee, etc.? I’m talking like 5-10 pounds a year – that’s what I’d like to see for myself and I don’t want to do any harsh diets or draconian exercise plans (so please no recommendations there – I’m an active person and I’m happy with the big picture eating and exercise plan as-is). I’m just interested in gentle “course corrections,” so to speak, and if it doesn’t work, that’s fine and not worth stressing over. Interested to hear others’ experiences.

   1. I see a difference in the 5 lb range when my general activity level is higher. Even if I feel too tired to take the stairs up, I try to take them down most of the time. I’ve also switched to black coffee at work which I love because I never have to think about if there is creamer or if it’s run out. If you use K-cups, I like the Starbucks Verona blend. I still drink coffee with milk at home (french press coffee). Walks after eating are also great for digestion.

      Once you start integrating these small habits, they become routine.

   2. Why not just test it on yourself and skip the candy for a few months?

      1. Trying but I know with the holidays coming up, it will be an uphill battle…

         1. I use a habit tracker to help with things like this. I have one that says “no candy bowl” and fill it in for each day I stay away. I’ll be honest, the work candy bowl is definitely an influence in the 5 lb creep/loss for me.

            I think a lot of these habits also influence one another. An extra walk helps me make better choices during other parts of the day or avoiding the candy bowl motivates me to eat more veg, etc. They can build on one another.

   3. Perhaps not quite small enough but I’ve been doing circadian rhythm fasting, which for me basically translates into an early dinner and no eating again until breakfast. It basically cuts out evening snacking. I have similar goals so thought it would be an easy, non obsessive way of reining in my eating.

      1. Why do we have to have a special name for only eating at traditional mealtimes? I’m not knocking what you’re doing, just genuinely curious why this is “circadian rhythm fasting” and not “snacking less”.

      2. I do this, but don’t eat breakfast. I was really surprised how easy it was to adapt and I don’t really get that hungry til right before lunch.

   4. It doesn’t seem right, does it, that small changes work to our detriment going one way and not to our benefit in the other? I can only lose with a strict, almost drastic effort. But yeah, those small sins don’t go unpunished.

      Looking forward to any answers here!

      1. Nope. Cutting out sugar means I maintain my weight and stop the slow gain which seems to be my body’s default. But actually losing weight means I have to make a serious effort to eat less.

         1. Me too. I recently started working with a nutritionist. She put me on a 30-day elimination diet (close to Whole 30 rules) but doesn’t want me to stay there. I lost 9 lbs in the 30 days–great! We’ve been tweaking little changes for three weeks now (add a tiny bit of dairy [cheese for garnish, not as a nutrition source], one drink a week, etc.) and my weight has flatlined since the end of the 30-day period. I am eating SO much better than I used to. So many more veggies, even “splurge” meals are things like 1/2 of a hamburger bun, or one homemade drink (so very low added sugar). But it’s not enough to actually push the scale down. I (apparently) have to eat on a very tight diet to lose weight. It’s frustrating.

            Also, for those of you who, like me, struggle to cut low-nutrition but not “bad” foods, she gave me a line that has resonated. Our bodies want nutrition. If we meet those needs, we often aren’t going to be hungry or have strong cravings. I doubted it but it has really been true. When I eat enough good food (veggies, protein, healthy fat), I am much less tempted to eat large amounts of less-healthy foods.

            1. I have been working with a nutritionist and completely agree with this. I, too, have been focusing in really packing in nutritious ingredients – lots of “fruits and roots,” and appropriate amounts of carbs, proteins, and fats. Don’t get me wrong…I WANT to eat cheetos. But I’ve had chocolate ice cream in my freezer for a month and I can take it or leave it. Which is….not usually how I operate. Wild.

      2. Oh man I feel you. To maintain my weight, I need to skip candy, drink black coffee, eat just enough so that I’m no longer hungry (not eat until I’m full), and exercise fairly regularly though not as strictly as I prefer (so, like 2 days/week but I feel better when I can do 5).

      3. I think, unfortunately, it’s just the way animals (including humans) are wired! Gotta hang on to whatever you can now in case of times of scarcity!

   5. For me – it’s the snacks. If I am more thoughtful about what I snack on and when, it makes a difference. I can’t grab chocolates from our admin’s desk. The best snacks for me are a hard boiled egg with either everything but the bagel seasoning or season salt (makes it taste like a deviled egg), a piece of fruit (sweet tooth here), or 4505 classic chili and salt chicharrones (when I want something salty and crunchy). All that being said, if I’m not counting on WW, I’m not being good (not plugging, just what works for me).

   6. Yes. Definitely. When I skip the candy bowl and limit myself to one glass of wine and go for a walk on Saturday and Sunday, I very slowly lose weight. Not much but enough I feel it.

   7. I really think the small things add up and I feel so much about my choices–as well as physically feel better. But I think you’ve got to consider the choice v. what it does. For example, you’d have to walk an entire mile to burn 100 calories but if you say no to candy (60-100+ calories) or get a cafe au lait instead of a latte (~100 cal difference) you’re really saving yourself the effort of working it off later. That said, I find it’s a tough line to stress about every small decision and calculate calories in v. out so I try t think of it as a bigger picture: I’d rather ditch office candy and snacks and indulge every so often on a good dessert from a restaurant. Or, I’d rather hit the gym hard 4x/week and incorporate a walk into my workweek afternoons than focus on hitting a daily step count.

   8. Yes, to specifically answer your question- I drop 5-10 pounds in about a week anytime I avoid snacking on candy. And not like a fully cutting out sugar or drastic change, just avoiding convenience store across from ny office.
      But that’s the only small change that has worked that way, and I suspect there is a metabolic driver.

   9. I don’t find that small changes like that result in weight loss for me. But, to be honest, I’ve struggled with weight my whole life and am pretty sure that I’ve done lasting damage to my metabolism with dieting, exercise, binging, etc. So…small changes are probably the way you SHOULD do it. :-)

   10. I feel like it did when I was in my early 30s, but not now in my early 40s. (This may be wishful remembering though). Candy dish aside, it might help to actually track what you are eating and activity level so you can be sure you are not increasing eating when activity level increases – this is really easy to do without being aware.

   11. I cut back on drinking in my early 30’s – from about 10 drinks a week (sounds like a lot but it really didn’t feel like it) to about 3 drinks a week – and lost a dress size.

       1. OP here and I wish I had this option, but I’ve probably only had 10 drinks so far this year. I’ve heard the same thing from a lot of other people who drank regularly and then cut down, though.

   12. I say yes, it does make a difference to me. I have always been a free eater of all the food I want (emotional eater). Over the summer I’ve started to just eat less, just when I’m hungry ideally. I’ve lost 8 pounds (151 to 143 for reference) this way. It hasn’t been drastic, I really haven’t cut anything strictly. I just try to take more walks and eat more consciously, so in my mind, I’m just reversing those gradual bad habits.

   13. The only small change that helps me lose weight is going off hormonal BC.

   14. I’ve stopped losing weight but I have noticed that, when I don’t snack (even healthy snacks) and I’m out of my office running from one thing to the next all day, my weight is on the low end of my range. It has been low about the second week of school and no amount of small indulgences on the weekends has changed that.

   15. Honestly even tracking my food via WW helps. Even when I go way outside my points, I’m still thinking more about it. So I pay for that even though I don’t truly follow it!

   16. Yes, cutting out soda/sugary drinks and no snacking whatsoever. If I get hungry I’ll eat some nuts between meals. No eating after dinner. Good news this mean I can eat pretty much anything lunch and dinner. Bad news no snacks ever.

   17. Yes! I made a bunch of small dietary changes and per my doctor appointment last week, I lost 15 pounds in the past year. I’m in my early forties.

       I gradually lowered my added sugar intake to almost nothing (so, not including fructose and the like). I tapered off gradually until I drink coffee with only milk, I quit sodas and juices, I quit candy and processed desserts. I now go for quality over quantity: I can’t be bothered when someone brings in Dunkin’ or Entenmann’s, but I will have one of the made-from-scratch kiffles that a colleague brings in once a month.

       Sugar truly is an addiction. It was at least 3-4 months until I didn’t crave it constantly. (For context, I don’t drink alcohol, but I have heard that people who try to taper down from it tend to crave sugars more.)

       1. So Anonome, what you are saying is that if I drink more wine I will crave sugar less? I am willing to put this theory to the test.

   18. I know you said you didn’t want to do anything too drastic, but have you ever looked into intermittent fasting? I’ve been doing it for about two months now and basically stop eating after 9 and don’t eat again til lunch. Morning hunger hasn’t been an issue since my first week experimenting with this new eating pattern.

       I’ve been losing weight and it’s felt pretty low effort. I still can snack (provided it’s in my eating window) and can still have my regular co-worker lunches and dinner with my husband. I like it since it kind of takes willpower out of the equation and doesn’t require calorie counting or tracking (which NEVER worked for me). It’s a good tool to make healthier choices and I find myself generally eating less.

   19. Yes. Highly recommend the book slim by design which talks about how small changes can really add up over time (and gives lots of examples and data on this)

   20. Yes, I lost 30 lbs in three years this way a few years back. I went from 180 to 150 and could go down from where I am now but am happy and also, frankly, I’m struggling with perimenopause so feel like staying where I’m at is a good goal. I made small changes over time but by the end of it I had basically changed all my eating and exercise habits. I don’t remember the sequence I did these in but this is what I did:
       – No more sugared drinks ever, not even sugar in my tea. Later on I ditched artificial sweeteners also so I basically never have sweetened drinks.
       – Cut back on fruit juice (it’s maybe now every other week I’ll have an orange or cranberry juice).
       – Switched from packaged/processed snacks to whole vegetables, fruits, nuts and string cheese only for snacks. It can be monotonous but I also have more energy eating this stuff than the stuff I was eating before.
       – I make cold brew coffee at home instead of grabbing lattes or cappuccinos from Starbucks. Since I don’t put sugar in, a cold brew with a small amount of milk (I use 2%) isn’t very caloric.
       – Ramped up from working out very sporadically to working out once a week, then twice, then three times. I can only maintain it by doing lots of different things: gym, Pilates, yoga, Zumba, FitnessBlender workouts at home, kettlebells, free weights, etc. If I do the same thing three times in a week I get disgusted and want to stop. I did have to buy some exercise equipment for my house but I think I spent less than $250 on some dumbbells, a yoga mat, some resistance bands, a couple of kettlebells, and a couple of other things. Totally worth it.
       – Parking farther away and always taking the stairs (it does make a difference in my opinion)
       – Planning all my meals and snacks, every day, every week. It was tough to start doing but it gets easier and then you don’t want to stop doing it because figuring things out on-the-fly seems like such a hassle. When I have planned meals and snacks I am less likely to raid vending machines or run out for a lunch that I know isn’t good for me. We shop at Costco every two weeks so there’s always plenty of food in the house and we don’t feel the need to run out to the store “just for a couple of things” which never ends up being just a couple of things.
       – We do meal prep every week (for myself and my husband) and we make meals that emphasize a lot of vegetables with protein and whole grains…but honestly, we sometimes make stuff that’s not-so-healthy and it still works because the meals are portion-controlled.
       – Our elderly dogs passed away and we adopted two new younger dogs who are energetic and need to be walked at least once a day for 30 minutes to an hour…believe me, that helps a lot!
       – I never eat after 8pm. If I feel hungry or snacky after 8 I make a cup of caffeine-free tea.
       I didn’t try to do all this at once and if I had, it would have failed. It was a gradual evolution over time, which is why it took 3 years to lose the 30 lbs…but I’ve kept it off since then so I feel like that’s a win.

   21. Yes, I’m doing this (along the lines of “french women don’t get fat”) and it’s working for me. A key change for me has been to have one glass of wine with dinner when I go out or am at a dinner party, not a couple before dinner and one during.

   22. Yes, by not eating meat. I wasn’t trying to lose weight and I didn’t even eat a lot of meat previously, but cutting it out led to 12-pound loss in about five months.

   23. Yes, I have done this and I’m still doing it! I’m losing less than a pound a month. It’s such a small change I hardly notice it… until I do. I feel gradually lighter, I have more energy. I was never technically overweight and I always worked out 4-5 days a week, but I just wasn’t feeling good and more importantly, I knew my eating was out of control.

       In December 2018, I decided to make a change. I use the app HappyScale and I find it extremely motivating. You get to see the slow but steady trend of weight loss happening. I love it. It takes daily fluctuations into account so you get the full picture.

       For context, I was at a point where I would eat dessert after lunch and dinner without even thinking about it, and I’d have several “healthy”snacks around 3-4 PM (Angie’s kettle corn, Food Should Taste Good chips, even nuts) that just made me snackier and hungrier. Now I snack on vegetables. Lots of them. More than I ever thought possible. I can eat so much volume in vegetables and they make me good-full, not hangry.

       I’ve lost 6 pounds since December. I know that sounds like nothing, but I’m 5’3” and on me that’s a pants size! And I’ve still had margaritas, chips and guac, fries, chocolate, etc. over the last year. Just not as much. And not every day. If I keep this up, I’ll be back at my much healthier college weight in another 6-7 months. But there’s no rush. Like they always say in weight loss forums, the time will pass anyway. Might as well make it happen slowly!

       I’ve noticed a difference in my energy levels and my skin is clearer. But most of all, I just feel so much better. It takes a little more work and planning, but I know I can sustain it and it’s so worth it.

   24. I’m very short (5’0″), so even a few pounds is pretty noticeable on me. I am on the slim side but have definitely noticed the same type of weight gain you describe when I eat the office doughnuts every day for awhile or visit the chocolate bowl my secretary keeps too often. When I cut back on/stop those sweets and maintain my same activity level, I generally gradually drop that extra weight. I think it takes 3500 calories to gain a pound, so it would take the same to lose a pound, so obviously it is slow and even a little extra exercise (particularly building muscle) helps.

5. Sorry if this is a dupe – posting error.

   Has anyone managed to gradually, slowly lose weight by making small changes? I’m curious because I think small changes have made me gain some weight (for example, eating 100-150 calories in pieces of candy from the bowl at work nearly every day and exercising a little less due to my new schedule), but I’m not sure if it will go the other way. Has anyone lost weight by doing things like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, walking for 10 minutes after dinner, switching from cream in coffee to black coffee, etc.? I’m talking like 5-10 pounds a year – that’s what I’d like to see for myself and I don’t want to do any harsh diets or draconian exercise plans (so please no recommendations there – I’m an active person and I’m happy with the big picture eating and exercise plan as-is). I’m just interested in gentle “course corrections,” so to speak, and if it doesn’t work, that’s fine and not worth stressing over. Interested to hear others’ experiences.

6. office chair suggestions? at work we were given a budget of $350 to pick out a new office chair. i know herman miller is the best, but they are a bit out of that price range, even refurbished. any other suggestions?

   1. I have the Poppin desk chair, which is really nice and around that price point.

7. What are you grateful for today?

   I moved last year and have really, really struggled to make friends. It’s been a lot of false starts.. But in the last month, I have felt a shift. We got invited out to dinner by 2 couples in the neighborhood, and it was so fun. I was asked out for drinks by another woman lawyer in town. I joined a book club, and today I was invited to a monthly card game.

   I am profoundly grateful that a handle of people chose to include me.

   1. I’m grateful for the opportunity to teach. I am in an academic post without teaching but we were able to jiggle things so I’m teaching a brand new / all mine undergraduate course this term. I’m also doing some informal teaching with an organisation that works with refugees to help them learn more about their new home. I’ve been prepping both and am so excited to get back into the classroom.
      Academia is a racket but this does make it somewhat worth it.

   2. What a wonderful thing to acknowledge and be grateful for. Thank you for sharing. I have moved several times as an adult and it is so hard to find people you mesh with.
      Today I am grateful for the 20 minutes of yoga I did this morning. I have done it every morning for the past four days. It is just enough that I don’t feel burdened by the time but enough to feel like I am doing something just for me before starting the day.

   3. Love this! Mine today is fall weather – when I left the house this morning I could smell it coming.

      1. Yes! I’m in the Midwest where it’s still been consistently in the upper 80s or low 90s recently. But I’m working from home today with the windows open and the cool, 60 degree breeze blowing in. Fabulous!

   4. That’s wonderful. It is SO hard to make friends as an adult!

      I’m grateful it’s Friday and I have money in the bank.

   5. That’s great that you’ve started to make friends! That’s something I struggle with too and it can be difficult as an adult.

      Today I’m grateful for my cats. They are all strays that have wandered into my life over the past several years. I did not grow up with pets and didn’t really plan on having any as an adult. Then around 8 years ago I took in a stray kitty and now have a house of five! I also started volunteering at an animal shelter a couple of years ago.

      As someone who struggles with depression, these guys give me a reason to get up in the morning and keep going. They make me smile with their antics and different personalities. I’ve experienced the heartbreak of saying goodbye to a couple over the years, but having them in my life is totally worth it.

      Before I had pets I never really understood the bond you could have with an animal, but now that I’ve experienced it I’ve found it is truly something special.

      1. I am the same. I repeat lots of sweet nothings to my cat, but one of them is “I couldn’t make it without you.” Obviously I would (and I will), but yeah. She is the light of my day-to-day life.

      2. I’m also so grateful for my little strays. I have 2 cats than entered my life and they give me so much happiness (who knew?). Also grateful for husband and health. Good thread.

   6. I’m grateful that it’s Friday and I’m exhausted, but still love my job and am enjoying the craziness of working with grad students on their research (they have such interesting ideas!). Also grateful that I’ve gotten into a good headspace about dating.

   7. I am grateful for the ability to exercise. I’ve really struggled to appreciate my body and all its flaws, but I recently started working out early in the morning and I’m feeling strong and healthy! It’s so hard to get up when it’s still dark out but I’ve made a concerted effort to shift my thinking from “I have to do this” to “I GET to do this” and it’s helped.

      Happy Friday!

   8. That’s great, making friends is so hard.

      I’m grateful that I’ve made it to work and back in one piece every day this week. I commute 70 miles one-way, and there were fatal accidents EVERY SINGLE DAY this week on my route.

      I’ll hug my family really tight tonight.

      1. Wow – I do the same distance in the DMV area and it’s like grand theft auto out there. Crazy.

      2. Midwest here.

         I have a suspicion that weather contributes to crazy driving. It’s been hot and humid the whole week.

   9. My senior dog had major surgery yesterday. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him alive again. And this morning I learned he is “trotting around the ICU” and ready to come home today!

      1. So wonderful!

      2. Yay! That’s so awesome, happy for you and your pup.

   10. I love this! I’m thankful that after spending a lot of time lately worried I had a serious medical issue, it ended up being something solvable with antibiotics. Phew.
       It’s been raining for almost a solid week, but the sun is out today.
       The neighbors’ horses were on our land this morning and two of them came up to nuzzle me (I think because I jangled our gate and they probably associate that with neighbor kids coming to give them treats or something, but it made me so happy!).

       1. Horses appearing on your land is just magical – it happened once when I was in high school, the horses that lived on the other side of the woods got out and wandered over. Seeing them when I woke up gave me just a tiny glimmer of oh, my childhood dreams came true!

          1. Yes, exactly!

   11. I’m grateful for my husband. I have a new, scary treatment for a chronic health condition and he’s taken total charge of managing my treatment schedule, calling the pharmacy endlessly, figuring out the logistics, and so much more. For someone like him who isn’t a native English speaker and is still somewhat shy on the phone, it’s been so huge and so appreciated. We’re taking this weekend for a getaway that is so needed.

       1. Aww. that is wonderful. I hope that your new treatment helps manage your condition.

   12. Today was the first time since I moved to London over a year ago that someone started a conversation with me while I was browsing books in a library and eventually asked for my phone number. As someone who has never dated, this is big.

       1. Yay, that’s awesome! And anyone you find in a library is already sounding good :)

   13. I am grateful that I just joined a choir for the first time since college 20+ years ago and will be singing on Sunday. The choir is not all that great, but it is so much fun.

   14. I’m grateful for the anti-depressants turning my life around and feeling my baby kick!

       1. I am grateful that I work from home. It’s been five years and I am still consciously grateful every day.

       2. I have an appointment in 20 minutes to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. It took me a few weeks to get the confidence to actually make the appointment and I’m still pretty nervous about it, but I really hope it leads to something that helps me feel better.

          1. Hope you see this after the appointment – and I hope the appointment went well. It took me months to get the courage to ask my doctor about it, and I got a lot of encouragement from this board. Rooting for you!

   15. I am grateful for a boss and colleagues who provide opportunities and just the right amount of nudging so I continue to learn and grow professionally.

   16. I’m grateful that my first tinder date ever (drinks near the office) turned out to be super cute, sexy and generally, a nice guy and a great kisser. Not sure this will go anywhere, but after lots of weirdos chatting me, it was refreshing and made me believe there are good men out there.

       1. This is GREAT!! I met my (now) husband on OKCupid. There are great guys online. (There are also total weirdos. But this is also true for in-real-life bars.) Have fun and good luck!

   17. I am grateful for the fact that as a first time mom, my son has taken to our nanny during this past week/transition period like peanut butter to jelly helping me to have confidence in his care when I go back to work next week. I am grateful for my inlaws, who have moved states to be closer to their grandchild and came to meet the nanny today and then took me to lunch. I am grateful for friends who will talk with me over the phone when I need to sort something out that I don’t want to burden my family with. And I’m grateful it’s Friday and I have a date night tomorrow with my husband (thank you to my mom and dad for watching our boy!).

       Grateful for this thread to remind me of all the good things in my life right now.

   18. Today and always I’m grateful for modern medicine that turns a fatal condition into a chronic but hopefully manageable one.

   19. I only woke up once last night and truly felt rested come morning. I was so grateful!

   20. After a really stressful spring/summer of dealing with an infertility diagnosis, fighting with insurance, and then going through an IVF cycle – I’m THRILLED to be done and have 6 genetically normal embryos waiting in the freezer. I’m thankful for (otherwise) good health, an outstanding one-cycle IVF outcome that was by no means certain, and for some time to get myself both mentally and physically ready for pregnancy. (We’re tired.)

8. Hello all,
   I’m hoping to ask the hive for something I’ve been struggling with for a few months. Apologies for the length.

   I live in a very trafficky area of Manhattan. In an earlier apartment, I installed what are called “soundproof interior windows” – a second window that sits inside the existing ones. In that apartment, I used what I’ll call Company 1 (there are two in the city.) As soon as I got settled in my current home, I reached out to them and to Company 2.

   I decided to work with Company 1 because they were significantly cheaper and because I’d worked with them before and been very happy. But the minute I got the windows installed, I realized they weren’t working. In fact, it was almost as if nothing had been done. I fought with them for weeks – first they claimed most of the noise was coming from my HVAC unit, and came back with a flimsy little piece of plastic that did nothing to block any noise. Then they offered, for a lot more money, an upgrade to a thicker window. Also, nothing.

   So I called Company 2 and explained everything. They quoted me $5,600 – double my original quote from Company 1 – and also came out and looked at Company 1’s install job, showed me it had been done badly, etc. Company 1 agreed to remove their windows and refund me, which I sort of couldn’t believe, but accepted gladly and signed a contract with Company 2.

   And guess what: same thing. As if nothing had been done. I was floored. For $5,000+, I thought I would get silence – which is, by the way, what I had in the previous apartment.The sales guy agreed to come back and take a look. First he pretended there was no noise, as if I was exaggerating everything. Then a fire truck went by and a honking car went by and he could no longer pretend. Then he stuck his head up against the wall – the WALL! – and pretended the noise was coming from there. Reader, apartments in my line sell for close to a million bucks. There is nothing deficient about the wall.

   Yet this is the scam they’ve decided to stick with: I have a defective wall (and they won’t speak to me about, for example, my paying a nominal amount more for them to do soundproofing of the wall.) The contract that we signed suggests I should get 80-85% noise reduction, but for car horns, garbage trucks, and a few other high-pitched noises it would be “7-10% less.” It is probably clear to any reasonable human being listening by the window that that hasn’t been provided, but I don’t know how to prove that. This type of window only allows you to have one panel uncovered at once, so there’s no way to do a side by side comparison – with/without window closed. I have been taking videos with audio of noise emanating from the street that I plan to post online to show people, if you pay this company $5,000, this is what you’ll get, but I recognize that I’m not proving they haven’t lived up to their end of the contract.

   What are my options? It finally occurred to me that I could dispute the portion I paid with American Express but I suspect that they’ll just treat that like an unpaid invoice and come after me for the remainder. That makes me feel helpless, depressed, and overwhelmed. For me, this is a s–tload of money. If I knew I could count on the portion that I put on the credit card being refunded, I’d spend it calling a soundproofing company. But I am assuming that not only am I not going to get it back but that it’s going to get ugly if they send collections after me, which I’ve never dealt with.

   Separately, this seems like something someone should bring to the attention of the attorney general and/or other consumer agencies, also something I’ve never dealt with. I’d appreciate any thoughts on that. I just don’t know how any company can go around charging thousands of dollars for a service that you have no way of testing or seeing in practice first, and then when it falls so flat, pretending something else is to blame, and disappearing.

   1. I don’t understand why after two window installations that failed you remain convinced there isn’t a non window issue.

      1. +1

   2. Are you sure it isn’t the wall? I only ask because I have done something similar and it was the wall. It’s my house, not an apt I rent, but what ended up really fixing things was taking down the drywall, removing old insulation and putting spray foam in. Then putting the drywall back. That, with the soundproofing windows, worked. Without the smaindows noise still got through the glass even worth the spray foam.

      You can get a machine to measure the sound. There are apps for you phone you could use but they’re probably not super accurate.

   3. I mean, windows can’t provide perfect seals. We looked into these types of windows, because our house backs up to a major interstate, and decided not to do them because they don’t block all noise. I wonder if your expectations here are realistic (aside from whatever the companies are telling you is possible, because. . . salespeople).

   4. Do you have a sound measurement device? You can measure the street noise on average outside, then measure it inside so you have documentable proof of it not working. You may be able to get out of the contract/get some money back since it doesn’t meet the standard you signed up for.

   5. I would have expected a decibel reading before installation, and after installation to show that the contracted terms around noise reduction (% or # of decibels) was met.

      1. I probably should have done that, yes.
         I remain convinced it’s not the wall because:
         I had just the windows done in an earlier apartment, as I mentioned, and it was silence.
         No-one else in my building has had anything done to the walls.
         They sent the sales guy, not a sound engineer, and it was pretty clear he was grasping at ways to avoid helping me. (Perhaps a company engineer wouldn’t have been much more help, I guess, but this guy’s commission would have been in jeopardy. And perhaps he’s right, but he was so slick and smarmy he didn’t convince me.)
         I guess I have to invest more in this, likely by calling an overall soundproofing company. But my question remains about consumer protections. Even if this is partially down to the wall, they offered to fix the noise issue for me with their products. Don’t I – or any other consumers coming after me – have the right to expect recourse?

         1. No.

         2. How on earth does the fact that the windows worked in another apartment mean they’d work in this one? That makes no sense. Neither does the 1M purchase price, in VHCOL plenty of 1M+ places are noisy.

            1. +1

            2. +a million. In fact, it seems like if Company 1 did the first set of windows and it was silence, the fact that this second set of windows, also done by Company 1 would have worked *unless there is a non-window issue!*

         3. Was this other apartment in the same building?

            1. And – the same height from the street (which matters a lot in noise control), and similarly situated by cardinal direction, and. . .

         4. Do you know definitively what is in the walls? That seems like a vital but missing detail. Just declaring the windows to be the problem will not make it true, unfortunately.

   6. You should get a sound engineer to come out and assess your space. They will identify the source of the noise and design the correct solution.

      It is entirely possible that it is coming through the wall. If it is, it can be addressed.

   7. I say this kindly, it is time to drop it babe. You tried two different window installers, this means the problem is not the windows or the installers and nobody was cheating you. The apartment really *is* that noisy. You will get used to it.

9. Do any of you have suggestions for high-quality leather wedges pump? I know it’s not 2016, but I have a need for a simple, black pair of leather wedge pumps I can wear with anything to work. The only ones I see are either super cheap ($600), or made by Cole Haan – whose quality went to crap when they started manufacturing their shoes in China. Tory Burch has that gaudy medallion on top (is there a way to remove that thing?). I have hammer toes so buttery-soft leather is a non-negotiable. Most of the wedges in Corporette have been discontinued. Any ideas ladies – I’d be so grateful.

   1. Wait – what’s your definition of cheap? You know you typed $600 right? Is that in USD?

      If you think $600 is cheap for a leather shoe and your needs are so particular and the shoe you want is pretty basic, you need to just go ahead and get a pair custom made. Some local cobblers will do that or will be able to give you a good reference.

      1. There must have been an issue in this being submitted. The line I typed originally said, “There either super cheap (under $100) or super expensive (over $600). I used symbols for the the greater than and less than sign, so maybe that screwed up the how it was posted? So take two:

         ?Do any of you have suggestions for high-quality leather wedges pump? I know it’s not 2016, but I have a need for a simple, black pair of leather wedge pumps I can wear with anything to work. The only ones I see are either super cheap (less than $100) or out of my budget (over $600), or made by Cole Haan – whose quality went to crap when they started manufacturing their shoes in China. Tory Burch has that gaudy medallion on top (is there a way to remove that thing?). I have hammer toes so buttery-soft leather is a non-negotiable. Most of the wedges in Corporette have been discontinued. Any ideas ladies – I’d be so grateful.”

   2. Idk if these are fancy enough for you but I love them:

      https://www.zappos.com/p/clarks-mallory-berry-black-leather/product/9257596/color/72

   3. I actually have the Cole Haan Tali bow wedge in two colors and love it. The black leather has held up like iron, I have walked miles in them comfortably. I also bought the beige and while they’re comfortable, the leather is peeling on the heel after a few months.

      I say try the Cole Haan!

      1. Okay, you’ve convinced me! Ordered my first pair of Cole Haan’s Tali Wedges last night. I had a pair of CH’s that were poorly made beyond comprehension; but between your endorsement, and Nordstrom’s shoe return policy, I’m game. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions!

   4. I have found wedges at Ann Taylor and Kate Spade. If you have not tried block heels you might consider them. I have found them similarly sturdy.

10. Recommendations for wireless headphones/headset good for phone calls that are NOT airpods? TIA!

    1. Jabra Elite 65t. They’re great and I believe are still the Wirecutter pick.

11. Re: Soup
    1. What is your favorite container to take soup in your lunch?
    2. What is your favorite container to store soup at home in?
    I LOVE soup and in fall/winter make a ton but haven’t found great storage, and for lunch one that doesn’t leak. At home I’m using GladWare large rectangles (to easily stir before serving). And for my lunch, I’ve tried smaller gladware (lids slip off and disaster strikes), the ziploc twist and lock contained (works the first few times, but then with wear and washing start to leak/break), canning jars with screw on plastic lids (VERY leaky).

    1. Snapware is the only leak-proof food storage brand I’ve found. For soup, I use the Pyrex ones so I can put them in the microwave without the plastic lids.

    2. I use Oxo Good Grips Smart Seal glass containers. I switched over to them when I wanted glass containers to reduce plastic and also to both store and microwave in the same container. I have not had any problem with them leaking and I’ve used them to carry all kinds of leftovers to work, including soup. We put the containers, seals and lids all through the dishwasher and that hasn’t seemed to impact the seal either.

       1. Oooo thank you! These look great!

    3. Forgive me for this: I use Talienti sorbet containers. It happened by mistake & ended
       up
       working so well~Never spill or break when frozen. Also useful for transporting delicates such as avocado, pear, or plum.

       1. I sometimes buy Talenti for the containers.

          1. Uh huh, sure ;)

             But seriously, they are great little containers.

             1. I mean, as opposed to a cheaper option – I justify the cost by the container value and not just the extra deliciousness. :)

          2. I think I will start to!!

    4. Thermos brand little one portion thermoses for taking soup to work. No leaks, also keeps it searing hot.

       1. Yes, this. We make enough soup for the week in a crock-pot and keep it in a big pot in the fridge. In the mornings I put a portion in the microwave in a Pyrex measuring cup (also helps manage portion size) and heat it up while I put hot water in the thermos to warm that up – I pour the hot soup into the hot thermos and it’s still hot at lunchtime, I don’t have to microwave it. They aren’t super-cheap to purchase but they last a long time, in my experience.

    5. I generally use the cheap snapware or similar, but put tomorrow’s lunch in the freezer before I go to bed. Also +1 to Talenti Gelato containers being super useful for almost everything in addition to gelato!

       1. I mean I’ll take any excuse to buy myself an extra pint or two :)

    6. Mason jars with regular two-piece canning lids. I have never had one leak.

    7. Wide-necked vacuum flasks/Thermos

12. Can anyone recommend an on-line retirement savings calculator that accommodates two working spouses with different retirement dates?

13. I have no personal stake in this, but am curious how people feel.

    Something horrible happened to a kid in my town. Think, very very near drowning. He was rushed to the hospital and all expectations were that *if* he lived-which was nowhere near the likely outcome- he would be permanently brain damaged. There was a huge outpouring of support for the community as the event happened on town property and everyone with kids viewed his as “could have been mine.” There was a go fund me for short term medical expenses (medical insurance deductibles and so forth as the hospital stay was expected to be months and months if he didn’t die), modifying the home for their now handicapped child, and potentially education (no longer a mainstream student). The fund raised about $250k.

    The kid defied all doctors and medical odds and just…woke up normal after a 4 day coma. That was last week, so off clurse tests were fun and the prognosis has completely changed: he might be back in school as early as Halloween! Nobody could be happier. This is the best news we have heard all year.

    So, my question is, what if anything should this family do with all the money? If you were a donor, what would you like to see the family do? Months of hospital stay and years of rehab/long term care basically amounted to a three week hospital stay.

    Parents live in a nice house in a wealthy suburb, everyone has insurance.

    The parents have not said or done anything one way or the other re: this fund, which was started with their permission only because there were so many in the community that wanted to help but could only do so with money.

    Would it be unethical for the family to keep the money? If not, how could they use it in line with its intent? Does go fund me allow “returns?” Should the family start a variety or donate the sum to one?

    There are other community go-fund-mes about. I know of one for a 6 year old dying of cancer, one for a 19 year old boy whose mom (the primary breadwinner) died suddenly and now he has nothing, etc. both of those were funded ~$15k- nothing like this one.

    1. I think its reasonable for parents to be focused on other things for the moment and take some time to figure out what to do. They just went through something incredibly scary and traumatic and this is not topmost for them.

       In the longer term, I think it is reasonable for the money to be returned to the donors, or if that is impractical, for the money to start a fund that benefits others in the community. Perhaps one big thing that the community needs or lots of small things. I don’t feel particularly strongly about any of these options — pros and cons for all of them.

       I don’t think the family should keep the money.

    2. I wouldn’t be so quick to assume everything is totally OK and the family doesn’t need assistance. Even if the child is totally recovered and the family has insurance, it’s entirely possible that there was some out-of-network care or other huge cost incurred. If I were the parent, I’d wait until after the kid had been back in school for a while, all the medical bills had been paid, and it was clear that there were no cognitive deficits or other lingering aftereffects that required treatment. Then I’d pass the remaining funds along to another family in need.

       1. I agree with this…the family needs to wait until the bills come in before deciding that they “don’t need” the money. I’ve known many people who, even with medical insurance, ended up with coinsurance amounts or charges for out-of-network care that reached into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Our healthcare system is really screwed up; that’s why so many bankruptcies in America are filed due to medical debt.

       2. That’s what I’m thinking too. Even if it now looks like he’s gonna be okay, we don’t know what kind of long-term consequences this might have for him, medically or psychologically. I certainly wouldn’t assume that money is just going to be spent on frivolous rich people stuff the family doesn’t need! Let the parents deal with that’s in front of them, in a few months they may be in a better position to decide whether that money will be needed, or whether they’d like to pay it forward or do something nice for the town.

    3. It is clearly ethical to return it. That’s a given.
       For me I would have to let go of this and wait it out.

    4. If I were the family, I’d probably donate the funds. That said, I don’t think donaters get to dictate what happens – this is a gift, and like all gifts, there can’t really be strings attached.
       Your last paragraph is why I abhor these campaigns and push for a more just healthcare system – why do photogenic, “kids like mine”, social-media-savvy people deserve funds more than others that don’t have those same advantages?

       1. Warren/Sanders 2020

    5. If I were the parents, I’d use some of the money for medical expenses (even a short hospital stay is expensive) and then redirect the rest to charity. I might consider using some for the kid’s future, but that’s less relevant if the family in question is wealthy.

       Glad he was okay – sounds really scary.

    6. I agree that the parents shouldn’t do anything at the moment and should just focus on getting over the trauma of something like that.

       FWIW, if I was in their shoes, I would donate it to something like drowning-prevention for the community, or something that would prevent something similar from happening again.

    7. I feel donations like this are like gifts. Once you’ve given, it’s not on the giver to dictate how they are used.

       Assumptions aside about the family’s level of financial burden (none of us truly knows what someone else makes or certainly what three weeks of hospital bills will be), I would hope they would take most or all of the money and put it to an actual not-for-profit, likely one to help children with disabilities. But if I were someone who had given money, I wouldn’t give it another thought. Not my business. I would simply celebrate that this child’s life has been spared that level of misery. And hope that someday if I were ever faced with such a horrifying possibility that I would have my community rally around me as well.

    8. This might be a little beside the point, but does anyone know how the taxes work on this? Does the family have to pay income tax on the entire amount? If they accept the entire amount then turn around several months later and donate to charity, are they still out the taxes (less whatever their charitable deduction would be)? Personally I wouldn’t fault the family for keeping enough of the money to make themselves whole in terms of medical costs, lost income, and taxes.

       1. The money is a bunch of individual gifts to a family. I don’t see why you have to pay taxes on the money, just like you don’t pay taxes on birthday gifts you received

    9. So this actually happened to my younger sister – suffered a near-drowning & docs said half her brain was dead; then she woke up & after 2 months in a rehab hospital, she was “back” in school. However it was YEARS of therapy and specialists and treatments before she was anywhere close to where she was pre-accident. All that stuff costs money and insurance companies suck (ask me how I know). Most likely that family is going to need those donations to help with things that insurance denies, plus time lost at work due to carrying for the child, changes to their home (new bed, etc).

14. I’ve never shopped at Everlane before but I really love some of their stuff, I’m just concerned about sizing. Do you find their items to be true to size and/or their measurement chart to be accurate?

    1. I so wanted to love Everlane but the clothing just didn’t fit me right. It wasn’t an issue of size so much as cut. But hopefully it’lll work for you!

    2. I think it really depends. Some of their stuff can be a little boxy, which isn’t personally my look, but it’s usually labelled as such and easy to avoid. I love the denim and find that runs true to size. Shoes run a little narrow, so maybe half size up.

    3. I have found their items to be true to size but I haven’t checked out the measurement chart.

    4. Totally hooked. I’ve found tops and the new overcoat to be generous. The pants are TTS but too snug in the waist for me.

    5. Measurement chart is always accurate. The e sizing is not really consistent across the brand, so in something that is really oversized, the XS may be too large for me but then in some things the M is too big. Cuts also tend to not be consistent, but this isn’t a bad thing. They are trying to make it so people of lots of body types can find a few things of theirs that fit. So, like I’m a petite pear, and not everything works for me, but the things that do are excellent.

    6. I find myself ordering down a size in Everlane tops and dresses, but that may be more because their styles do tend to be boxy. Pants are similar to J. Crew sizing. Since their size charts give measurements for the actual garment, you can always compare to an item you already own to estimate how it will fit. I have been very happy with the quality of their clothes; haven’t bought any shoes since they don’t have narrow widths.

15. Cross posting on moms site – I’m an auntie (childfree) and I’m hosting my two toddler nieces (ages 2 and 4) this weekend, including one overnight. Getting a little nervous they’ll get bored or antsy in my smaller living space. Any childproof tips or activity ideas? I live in a utilitarian loft with lots of concrete and harsh lines, although I have a cushy couch. I am planning on the park, library (kids area) and maybe the children’s museum. I’m frantically looking up childproofing! Any tips appreciated!

    1. At those ages, I would worry less about harsh lines, and more about furniture falling over. Make sure any tall items (dressers, television, book cases) are mounted to the wall. And your plans sound perfect! Have fun.

    2. I assume you know their personalities, so I think use that judgement for what you need to child proof. If it means going all out, do that. If it just means locking up the cleaning supplies and closing off a room, I’m sure that will be fine too. The girls will love being with you and what you have planned sounds like a lot! A lot of fun, but if they nap that already sounds like a full weekend. With all that activity know they might be cranky, but because they are having a blast. For the overnight, try to follow their established bed time routine. Not because you are no fun, but you want them to sleep well and have fun the next day! If they sleep with sound machines at home, you’ll want those at your place too! If you need an idea of easy kid activities in your place: (1) buy two (or more) bottles of shaving cream, let them spray it on cookie sheets and use cooking utensils to design in it and make structures, mix in different pasta shapes if you’re feeling up to it; (2) have breakfast for dinner and let them help knowing it will take forever and be messy (crack eggs, pour pancake mix, etc.). Also ask what their favorite shows are that you have access to (netflix? cable?) and if all else fails and you need a moment to recoup (it’s a lot of work!!) put them in front of the auto-parent and take a breather. You’ve got this! You’re a good aunt!

    3. The 4 year old should be mostly fine, just watch the 2 year old around any stairs and lock up your kitchen and bathroom cabinets (or just put detergents and bleaches where they cant be reached).
       Also, you’re amazing for doing this, have a great weekend!!

    4. Those sound like great activities.
       For an easy activity when you are around the house that they may be able to do without your intense help, I would have some paper, markers, & stickers of whatever they are in to (dinosaurs? Frozen?) on hand. For childproofing, I’m assuming a parent is dropping them off? Have them do a walk around before they leave to see what sticks out to them, as I think while anything can happen the extent you need to modify anything is kind of kid dependent. By 4 my oldest didn’t need much. If you have easy access to a pool or hot tub they could accidentally wander out to, that would probably be the major universal real risk thing to make sure you have figured out ahead of time on how to keep them safe from.

    5. Sounds like a fun time. What an adventure. As for the childproofing, I would ask their parent/your sibling. I too am a childfree auntie, and the parent will know specifically what these two can handle and what they need protection from/assistance with.

    6. Wow. Why?? That sounds like a ridiculously annoying way to spend a weekend — with 2 kids who will likely mess up your place and basically never stop talking.

       1. Sounds a lot more fun than spending it with you!

          1. Ha ha

       2. You are actually asking why people babysit? Because she loves her siblings and wants to give them a break? Because even though she doesn’t have her own kids, she loves her niblings? Because kids are great for a weekend and then you get to give them back? They’ll think you’re the cool aunt?

          Guess nobody asks you to baby-sit, huh?

       3. My brother and I used to stay with my aunts when I was young and my parents needed a night off (two of my aunts who aren’t that much older than me were born really close together and so they shared an apartment for a few years) and those are some of my favorite childhood memories. We always had an amazing time when we stayed with my aunts – we’d watch movies and play board games have pillow fights and crazy sing-alongs. So OP, you’re doing a wonderful thing that will stay with your nieces for a long time to come. And to Anon at 11:15 – I hope you aren’t one of those people who complains constantly about being lonely and disconnected. If that’s how you feel, you’ve created that situation for yourself.

    7. Ask parent about their normal schedule but you’d be surprised how little you actually do with small children because eating and transitions take a very long time . For example on the weekend with a two year old we get up, make breakfast, maybe watch a cartoon or dance to music, and then do an activity (like nature center or kids museum) from like 10-12. Then home, lunch, play, and nap from about 130-3. Then have snack, go to playground till 530 or so, make dinner, play trains or dolls, bath, and bed at 730. That’s it! Your biggest chunk of downtime at home will be if the younger one naps but older one doesn’t. Perfect time to watch a movie and snuggle or bake cookies!

       Also you are great to do this and I wish my sister was an involved aunt so this makes me sad for my kid.

    8. Make sure your undersink cabinets or any other cabinet where poison is is secured (hair ties/elastic bands are great for this) or emptied. Put any open trash cans in a closet/on a counter.

       If the 2 y/o is closer to three, you won’t have to even both with the trash cans.

       Move anything knee height and breakable to somewhere else.

       That’s it. My kids are 15 months 3 and 6 and literally all I do is move the poison. A 2 y/o will be able to navigate stairs. Keep an active eye on them but other than that have fun!

    9. Ask the parents about their screen time policy. Ask about potty training. When you’re out and about, take an extra set of clothes for both, and water and snacks. And wet wipes. Sunscreen and bug spray if your location requires it.

       As for safety:
       – Be careful with any hot surfaces or liquids that are within reach (e.g. Keurig machine). Kids can pull down freshly brewed coffee cups, pans and pots. Keep away cleaning supplies and medications, and maybe alcohol.
       – Have the emergency number for poison control in your phone and know where the closest urgent care/ER is.
       – Also, pay attention to fingers that can get stuck in heavy doors – I have an acquaintance whose daughter almost lost a finger at 2 yrs old when a heavy door closed and her fingers were in the slit by the door hinges.
       – For the outdoor activities, ask the parents how to best supervise two kids on the playground, and how they handle their kids around dogs and traffic.
       (Also, I realize these are all worst case scenarios, but IMO its always better to think through them before.)

16. I haven’t shopped at Anthro for a really long time, but I am loving this top! Maybe I should go downtown this weekend and have a look.

    1. And kudos to Anthro to carrying the extended sizes in store.

17. How do you find a recruiter?

    I’m a Biglaw mid level transactional associate, so I get 3-5 calls a day from recruiters in my current market. However I’m actually looking to move to a smaller Midwestern market (i.e. back home) in the next 6-24 months. I’d be open to the equivalent of biglaw in that city, but I’m really looking to take a step back to a sort of niche midsize firm scenario with a lower billable expectation, and I’m willing to wait for the right thing to come along.

    In my current market I have recommendations from friends/former colleagues who have had recruiters help them with this kind of career transition, but I don’t get the sense that the recruiters they recommend are tapped into the market in my home city. My lawyer friends there started at their firms in law school and haven’t moved so don’t have recruiter recommendations, but I’m guessing I somehow need to get hooked up with someone in that city? (It’s Minneapolis, if you’re wondering).

    1. Not all firms use legal recruiters (and all prefer not to because of cost). There aren’t that many large and mid-sized firms in Mpls. I would write or email the legal talent coordinator at each firm you are interested in and send a resume, explaining your general plans and timing. If they don’t have anything available now, ask them to keep your resume on file for a few months, or follow up on your own then.

    2. No idea if this will be helpful, but I’ll share my experience since I was looking to make a similar move as you. Ten years ago, I was looking to relocate from NYC biglaw (also a transactional assoc) back to my home state (SEUS). I usually screened calls from recruiters, but one day I answered and sort of jokingly told the recruiter I wasn’t interested in NY opportunities, but if she new anyone in [home state], I’d be interested. Turns out, she worked with a recruiter in my desired region, and through that second recruiter I got my current job. All that to say — maybe its worth asking the recruiters who contact you if they partner with any recruiting firms in your desired city.

       1. I actually think that is a great strategy! My professional contacts are strongest with those who do exactly what I do and we often use each other’s more extended networks to get recs in other cities.

18. What are some good professional-looking light jackets for fall (and spring)? I realized this morning that after a winter closet overhaul last year, I have only heavy coats left. All my jackets are fleece or plastic-y windbreakers.

    1. Sounds like you need a trench. I have the Babaton Lawson Trench from Aritzia, in prior years I’ve worn the J.Crew Icon Trench

    2. London Fog trench from Nordstrom

    3. Check out extrapetite.com. She has the best jacket game and is already starting to post fall recs because she lives in Boston.

19. My DH and I are trying to decide where to get away from the nasty East Coast winter in January or February. We’ve been batting around Morocco, Hawaii, or somewhere in South America. A few factors:

    -no kids
    – two weeks in length
    -cost not a serious concern
    -it needs to be warmer than here, but we don’t absolutely require 75+ weather or lying on a beach
    -we love cities and country, culture (museums, ruins, etc) and outdoor activities (hiking, snorkeling)

    Have you been to these places? What do you think? I’ve been to Honolulu for work, but never anywhere else in Hawaii. In South America, I’ve been to Colombia and Ecuador, have been considering Brazil, Argentina/Chile, or Peru.

    All thoughts welcome!

    1. With two weeks I would go to Australia.

    2. I would not do Hawaii for two weeks – I LOVE Hawaii, but you sound like you more active vacations, and I think you may be bored there for two weeks.

       I would highly recommend Argentina. I took a two week trip there a few years ago – we went to Buenos Aires (for museums and city exploration), Mendoza (wine region with some biking/hiking), and then we did a four-day backpacking hike in Patagonia (the W in Torres del Paine). It was one of the best trips I have ever been on. If you like hiking, I would definitely look into doing the W. I have a fairly detailed guide to what I did in Argentina, so if you are interested, you can drop an email and share it with you.

       I have been looking into a longer trip in Chile, where we would go to Santiago, hit a beach town, and explore the Atacama desert.

       Peru is also lovely – you could do the four-day hike to Machu Picchu, or just see Machu Picchu in a day. Lima and Cusco are fun to spend time in.

       1. Not OP but that Argentina trip sounds fantastic!

       2. Argentina does sound great, but I disagree that you’d be bored in Hawaii for 2 weeks. DH and I did 8 (packed and active) days on the Big Island and definitely missed some things. We didn’t even spend that much time simply laying on the beach.

       3. I also did Argentina in about 10 days last february- we were in buenos aires (it was HOT!), then went to mendoza, then went north to Corrientes to the wetlands, then went back to BA. I’m also happy o share a more detailed itenerary- we loved it and would happily go back.

    3. I believe that Jan/Feb is the wet season in Peru. Depending on what you are wanting to do there, it may be a terrible time to go. For example, Macchu Picchu would be really foggy, and you wouldn’t be able to see a lot. They also close a lot of the trails around that time of year for maintenance.

    4. I’d do a cruise around the Mediterranean that stops at archeological/ historical sites. I’ll put a link to an example below but there are a ton of options if you google. I saw some of the boats when I visited Ephesus a few years ago and it’s now on my bucket list.

       https://www.smithsonianjourneys.org/tours/greece-cruise/itinerary/

    5. I’ve been having similar thoughts and am looking into southern Spain (Seville – Grenada) or the Algave region of Portugal.

20. In light of yesterday’s money discussion — where are folks in terms of their retirement savings (individually rather than household). Are you where you thought you’d be or do you feel you’re playing catch up? Do you think you’ll be ok or do you worry about how you’ll retire? It’d help if you’d say your age. I’ll respond separately.

    1. 27, total retirement saves is at $119.5k:
       -$21.5 k current job Roth 401k
       -$20k Roth IRA
       -$1000 traditional IRA
       -$77k previous job Roth 401k
       I need to roll over my last job’s 401k this year. I think I’m doing well my for age, I’m close to maxing out my roth 401k, and will probably be able to once I’m 30, but I haven’t really thought about how much total I’ll need or want.

    2. It worries me that the bar keeps going up (likely driven by healthcare but other things too). When I graduated (2005) it was — you need $1 mil to retire. Now it’s more like 2-2.5 mil. I’m near 40 so I imagine in 20 more years they’ll be saying 3-4 mil — 1 mil seemed so “doable” compared to these numbers.

       1. Those numbers are being touted by financial advisors who benefit from you saving more (and putting more assets under management with them). I take it with a grain of salt and rely on the 4% rule plus an expectation that there will be some form of social security when I get there.

    3. 37, in house counsel.
       Around $500K total in retirement accounts:
       $50K in a ROTH IRA from many years ago (can’t contribute anymore due to income limits)
       $300K in 401(k) (thanks to maxing every year since I graduated law school, and an awesome employer match)
       $150K in rollover IRA from last job.

       I feel like I’m ahead and not worried. As long as I’m contributing near the max, I feel like it will all turn out okay.

    4. 43 year’s old, single parent, North Jersey (don’t plan to move after retirement).

       I have about $650K in retirement funds. Another $200K in assets elsewhere. I am comfortable that I am on track but life has taught me to never get comfortable (thanks to divorce, health traumas and family history).

    5. 41 and on track for a simple but comfortable retirement, barring a health catastrophe.
       My main focus is avoiding lifestyle creep while saving as much as possible (approximately 25% of a 35k/yr take-home pay). I do not have a spouse or family with assets, so inheritance or other forms of financial windfall seem unlikely.
       Given that there’s a 100% chance of at least one recession between now and when I retire, I’d prefer to get it over with sooner rather than later.
       As to whether or not I’ll be okay and especially when/how I retire, that’s entirely dependent on if a public option/single-payer healthcare becomes solidly established.

       1. Oops, forgot to add figures… Approximately 220k in retirement accounts, 50k in equity across two houses (one rented out). Smaller amounts in non-tax advantaged accounts for more immediate needs/wants/emergencies

    6. I’ve decided that I’m not going to kill myself to save untold millions because of the risk that I might get Alzheimer’s and require intensive nursing care. To me, that’s guaranteeing I stress myself out and ruin my working life for a somewhat unlikely possibility and even then, it probably won’t be enough. I’d rather travel with my husband and enjoy life now while saving a reasonable amount. Honestly, the world is probably going to completely different/uninhabitable by the time it’s relevant anyway and I also believe we’ll have compassionate euthanasia policies that I won’t hesitate to take advantage of if I get a terminal diagnosis like that. If that doesn’t come to pass, I’ll stop eating and drinking because there’s basically no way I’m letting myself decline over ten years in a SNF. Why bother saving for it?

    7. I’m 25 and just hit 10k and was excited about that! First job I was making 50k in DC and was contributing 6% with a 3% match. Now I’m still making 50k but in a cheaper city but at a job with terrible retirement options. I contribute $200/mo to a 457b with no match, $200-$250/mo to my pension plan (which is terrible at best, but no option to opt out), and $100/mo to a Roth. I’m also contributing $500 to other savings each month, so while I feel like my savings rate is great given my salary, I really feel like there’s no winning.

    8. Age 60 in expensive So Cal. I have about a million in my 401(K), plus about $350K equity in my house (which is rented and has positive cash flow) plus a smallish pension (will have worked for government for 20 years by the time I retire). It should feel like enough but somehow it doesn’t.

       1. It’s enough.

          1. Is it? It seems light to me using the conventional ways to determine it. If she plans to retire at say 65, should only be withdrawing 4% a year from the 401k if you need it to last 30 years. . . maybe she can live off say $40k plus another $X small pension but probably tough in SoCal.

             1. I literally have family retired in SoCal…it’s enough. Now, do you have some vision of retirement that exceeds what my family has been able to achieve? Maybe. But the idea it’s not enough is honestly … rude to me. People retire on less than $1M, a pension, and an extra house, and their retirements are happy and fulfilling.

             2. There are more details now but, like I said, I was using conventional calculators. I would think it would be very difficult for somebody to live in Southern California on $40,000 a year. That’s not rude, that’s math

          2. The smallish pension is actually worth more than the 401(K). I’ll also get Social Security so I expect to be able to replace 100% of my income in retirement. But again, that doesn’t quite feel like enough given end-of-life costs.

       2. How to put this mildly: those numbers are incongruous with the lifestyle you post about here.

          1. Not mild – rude.

          2. That’s just me. Not counting my husband.

             1. But I appreciate your concern. ;)

    9. I’m 36 and 11 years into a 25 year retirement job with state government. It is a defined-benefit pension. I also add money each paycheck to a deferred compensation retirement plan. I am not sure how much it has in it, but I add $250/a paycheck (get paid every other Friday, so 26 checks a year.) I am just hoping that the pension fund remains solvent and I actually get it once I retire! My husband is a federal government employee and so has retirement savings through that. He also contributes to an additional fund, but I don’t know the details.

    10. Since you are only getting gold medal answers, I’ll give you a more realistic one. I’m 37 and I just passed $100k in my 401k which was a huge milestone for me. My husband has about the same in his and he also has a hopeful federal pension after 20 years in his current job. Plus SS. When I log in to my retirement account I get a big green light saying that I am on track just fine and that most people my age only have $33k saved by their late 30’s. That’s assuming most people don’t work 6 figure jobs.

        1. I think you’re doing great. When I was 37 I was way in the hole!

        2. I’m 34 and only have $60k individually (husband is the same age and has about $150k). I was in grad school until 28, and not making more than $50k until a couple years ago, so I do expect to contribute more aggressively going forward, but I definitely feel behind reading all these answers.

    11. 41, about $300K in my 401(k), but at a gov’t job now with a full pension if I make it to 30 years (which seems likely, it would mean retirement at 66).

    12. $330k split between a couple retirement accounts. 36 years old.

    13. 37, and in general I feel a bit behind but looking at some of these numbers makes me feel way behind… I’ve got ~170k in my TSP, split roughly 2/3 traditional and 1/3 Roth, and 8K in a rollover IRA from my job prior to law school. That job was at a really low-paying nonprofit in a major city so I saved what I could, but it wasn’t much and there was no employer match. After law school, I went to work for the Federal government and started boosting my savings (and got a match) but have only gotten close to maxing out in the last couple years after loans were paid off. This year, I’m on track to actually max and my child has started K so childcare costs are going way down, thank goodness.

        In addition, I have about 20K in non-tax-advantaged mutual funds and whatever Federal pension is available when I retire, as well. We currently have a ton of equity in our house and plan to move/downsize in retirement so hopefully that will give us another chunk of cash. But I’m mostly trying to focus on continuing to max my TSP and grow the taxable brokerage accounts (we’re over the income limits for Roth IRA/deductible IRA and backdoor Roths kind of scare me).

    14. Posting late, $100k in 401(k) account and $400k in real estate equity, $250k in various savings accounts. Age 33, worked in biglaw for 5 years.

        1. posting late. 42, $1.2M in retirement accounts, about $800k liquid elsewhere. It doesn’t feel like it will even vaguely begin to be enough and i’m in LCOL. 2 kids, one of whom will live with us his whole life probably (SN).

21. I’d like to buy something frivolous for myself to celebrate a recent promotion. I want something fancy and timeless that I can hold onto for a long time. For my last promotion I bought a Chanel flap and rarely use it but still love it and hope to pass it down someday. I’ve been eyeing the Cartier Love bracelet, but it seems weird to buy one for myself. Probably not a watch because I’m used to wearing my Apple watch every day. Any suggestions?

    1. I would do diamond studs or a diamond solitaire necklace! Incredibly classic.

    2. Buy yourself a Cartier Love bracelet if that’s what you want! I don’t think it’s weird! I like the idea of diamond studs too, or maybe a nice ring. I really like Montana sapphires right now.
       Also, congrats on the promotion!

    3. Treat yourself to the item you want. For me it was a Cartier watch. While I was picking it up, a woman was buying a third Love bracelet for herself.

       1. I agree — get what’s meaningful for you.

    4. Alhambra? I can see myself still wearing mine when I am 90.

22. Potentially dumb question: if I’m flying w non prescription pills (vitamins, melatonin, and allergy pills). Can I put them in a pill case or do they need to be in original packaging?

    1. The technically correct answer may be different but anecdotally, no. Pill case is fine.

       1. +1. I carry a little baggie with ibuprofen, ginger pills, etc. Never been an issue at security.

          1. +1, both domestic and international I always carry unmarked Advil, Tylenol, Imodium, and OTC allergy meds in a baggie. Actually come to think of it I’ve never even kept prescription meds in their original packaging because why carry a big pill bottle when I only need a week’s worth.

    2. I fly domestically with loose melatonin in a baggie all the time. I’ve wondered about what you are asking, but no one ever asks about it.
       If I was flying internationally, especially to a country with really strict anti-drug policies, I would probably try to do original packaging or forgo bringing all together, but that may be more paranoia-based fear on my end than reality-risk. I just don’t want to be in a situation where there is even potential for any confusion.

    3. My understanding is that the official rule is to keep them in the original packaging, but it’s also true that everyone I know flies with pills in pill cases every time they fly.

       1. I follow a girl on instagram with CF and is post-lung transplant. She puts her hundreds of pills in pill cases and travels with those in their own suitcase. Doesn’t bring the original package.

    4. TSA does not require non-prescription mediations to be in the original packaging. You can find further information about the TSA regulations on the TSA website.

       1. The Ask TSA function on Facebook is also great if you’re unsure about something — I’ve asked for clarification a couple times and always get an answer within 24 hours (usually less).

23. This top is a winner if the armholes do not gape. Applause for the actually inclusive sizing; would definitely wear the stripe with black pants, a duster cardi, and ballet flats on casual Friday.

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