ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 270 Comments

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Neck Blouse

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A woman wearing blue jeans, belt, and peach blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Yes, I know this peach color is a tough one to pull off, but I really, really love this blouse from H&M. Something about the drape-y fit combined with the cinched-in waistline is really working for me.

Pair this with some high-waisted trousers for a business casual look with a bit of drama. 

The top is on sale for $24.99 (marked down from $29.99) at H&M and comes in sizes XS-L. 

Sales of note for 4/17:

  • Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
  • Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
  • Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
  • Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
  • Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
  • Express – $29 dresses
  • J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
  • Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Spring Sale Event – Buy More, save more! 10% off $250+, 15% off $500+, 20% off $750+, 25% off $1000+ (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off if you find any exclusions.)
  • Sephora – Spring sale! 20%, 15%, or 10% off depending on your membership tier; ends 4/20. Here's everything I recommend in the sale!
  • Talbots – Spring sale! 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns
  • TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

270 Comments

  1. I’m flying with my kids to attend a family event and then getting on a short second flight to go to family camp this summer. We have to bring our own bedding to put on the camp’s vinyl twin beds in a rustic cabin in the woods. Upper Midwest, so it could be hot or cold at night. Local fire regs require sleeping bags to be unzipped.

    Anyone have tips on selecting bedding that doesn’t take up too much room? I’m thinking fitted sheet, camping pillow, sleeping bag (to use unzipped), and maybe a light blanket. Is a mattress protector worth the space?

    1. Can you ship the stuff rather than fly it with you? If you don’t have free checked bags, it may actually be a similar cost.

      1. alternatively, if you’re buying new, have the stuff shipped to a location near the camp, and then just ship it home?

          2. I mean really? For some I like this I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s a camping trip not your home bedding.

          3. Because of the residue (dust, dirt, manufacturing byproducts) from the factory. I find it very easy to wash my things and see no downside to basic cleanliness so it’s not something I push back on.

          5. It’s not camping. It’s sleeping in a cabin. I do love how the contrarians will come out hard against things like “washing sheets,” though. You all make me laugh.

          6. The chemical residues from manufacturing are just as toxic in the woods as they are in your house. Wash the sheets.

          7. Textiles have all sorts of chemicals on them to keep them crisp and deter critters during shipping. I’m not at all a germaphobe, but I always wash sheets and clothing before using them.

    2. Also consider shipping home the clothes you bring for the first leg – I’ve done that at Universal/Disney to make room for souvenirs.

    3. What on earth does the sleeping bag being unzipped do to stop fire? That sounds as wacky as flame ret@rdant chemicals being required in pajamas for babies.

      1. I camp a lot and totally do not understand this. Is the thinking that you could get out easily if unzipped vs panicking in a zipped bag (so fire, flood, tornado)?

        1. This is my impression too. There are bunk beds, so I imagine the thought is that it might be challenging for a younger camper to quickly wake up, get out of a zipped sleeping bag, and climb down the ladder in the event of an emergency. It might be quicker to kick off blankets (or for someone else to pull off the of blankets).

        2. It’ll be OK. And yes, ship the items there, or pick up at a local Walmart or Amazon pick-up place, and then donate locally so you don’t have to fly them home with you. Just an idea.

          Props to the OP for wanting to follow all the rules and do what’s recommended but also – it’s a weekend camping trip. Just do whatever; you’ll be fine and if not – it won’t be because of a mattress cover or new unwashed sheets or a sleeping bag that is zipped up or not. Sometimes I don’t even brush my teeth when I go camping and it just makes that first post-camping brush that much better. Have fun and good luck!

        3. I assume the idea is that people are slower to evacuate a zipped sleeping bag (especially a hooded/mummy style zipped bag). On the other hand… this seems like a very edge case risk to try to regulate

    4. My child goes to a multi-week sleepaway camp in Northern Michigan, and we fly her there and back. We flew with a checked zippered Ikea bag that contained a blanket, sheets, and camp towels. We purchased a pillow and her toiletries (bc heavy) at a Target after we landed. I then balled up the zippered ikea bag and put it in my suitcase for the ride home, so I didn’t have to check a bag on the way back. I was happy with the bedding sets that I got from “Everything Summercamp” (online retailer). I could have purchased sheets at Target on the way in, but I didn’t want her to sleep on unwashed sheets bc she has super sensitive skin.

      1. Oh, and both a fan that clips onto the bed AND a heavy quilt were needed last summer in Northern Michigan. Some nights were freezing, others were super hot.

        1. Would one of those sleeping bag blankets have worked? I think RUMPL is the fancy brand but I’ve gotten them at Costco 2 for $20. Surprisingly warm and packable.

          1. Yes, a rumpl type blanket would be perfect. Thinking back, I also think I threw in a thin fleece blanket as an in between layer. There were nights when she only used the fleece, and others when she wanted both fleece and the heavier blanket. She liked having a real bed set, and preferred that over a sleeping bag + sheet – but to be fair, it was a 6 week camp.

    5. Mattress protector not worth it. I’d take a flat sheet in addition to or instead of fitted sheet – it’s always nice to have something light to cover up with if it’s hot and you want to sleep on top of sleeping bag. I’m typically a tent camper, and I wouldn’t bother with a fitted sheet over the mattress, but they won’t take loads of space if that’s a non-negotiable for you.

      1. ^^And if the waste doesn’t bother you, stop and get cheap pillows at Target or Walmart (or Meijer if you’re in Michigan), and then toss them when you’re done. We have so many cheap Walmart pillows around our house from camping trips where we forgot to take our own and had to stop for them! (I can’t sleep w/o a pillow

      2. Wait — I cannot imagine sleeping on a vinyl camp mattress. I have done my time as an adult chaperone at scout camp. For the ones with these mattresses, I don’t want to sleep on vinyl. When I bring an air mattress to put on top of my cot, I also don’t want my skin next to it. I have never not brought a fitted sheet for that. I also use sleeping bag liners depending on season in various types to either stay warmer or have a light layer, but also b/c I can wash those easily vs the sleeping bag (we seem to wash for vomit and air out for everything else). Would you sleep on just a college vinyl mattress? Aside from the ick factor, it just seems like your skin would sweat or be cold / clammy.

        1. No lie, I have occasionally skipped the squeaky, slippery vinyl mattress and slept on the floor (in my sleeping bag) at cub scout camp! But sheet + sleeping bag/ blanket seems like it could work.

        2. Yeah, I agree with this. I can’t imagine just sleeping on a vinyl mattress without fitted sheet. I would also bring a top sheet and thin blanket personally (vs. a sleeping bag). But I am not a camper, so I don’t love sleeping bags.

          1. Oh, I wouldn’t just sleep on the vinyl mattress, but the sleeping back is between me and the mattress. (I’m either in the sleeping bag or on top of it.)

          2. As a Girl Scout chaperone I learned that kids are less likely to slide off the bed if they have a flannel sheet between the vinyl mattress and the slippery sleeping bag. Any fitted sheet helps, but flannel is least slippery.

    6. Why do you even need sleeping bags in the first place? If there is some sort of cot, just use a sheet and a blanket.

      2. Upper midwest can be chilly at night in a rustic cabin. I’ve slept in a tent with a down blanket and been chilly. Sleeping bag is safer.

        1. This. And a sleeping bag squishes down to pack much smaller and lighter than blankets.

        2. I live in the upper midwest, this is an absurd take. An unzipped sleeping bag in summer is miserable. A blanket is just fine.

    7. So is the fire marshall going to come through and inspect the cabins for unzipped sleeping bags while people are sleeping?!?

      2. Yeah that concern seems bonkers. I’d just stop at the local target or whatever, buy sleeping bags and pillows and toss on my way out. Done.

    8. Fitted sheet + sleeping bag is the way to go here. I would zip the sleeping bag if I got cold. Who is going to know? What are they going to do–send you home?

  2. What are your favorite phone games to play with friends? I used to love that game where you drew pictures but that was a long time ago. Been playing Rummikub recently with family and I really like it!

  3. Omg the Ukrainian Olympian who was DQ’d for his helmet with pictures of “the war dead” – that’s what I kept reading and I thought they were gruesome pictures. Seemed like a dumb DQ even then but WDIK. But: they were just official shots of other athletes! I can’t believe that was the reason.

  4. Is anyone making serious plans to leave the US in light of the current political situation?

    My brother is a white US citizen and is married to a woman from the Middle East who is also a citizen but was not born here. They have a one year old boy. Considering what was happening to people with US passports in MN, they’re wondering if they should start making moves to leave now before things get worse. If they did leave, they would like to come back eventually if possible but are prepared to make this permanent if needed.

    Other context: they have two corporate jobs, work for companies that have offices abroad, upper middle class income, currently live in MCOL city, and no ancestry that would make it easy for them to get a visa elsewhere quickly.

    My heart breaks for them because I can’t in good faith tell them that it will all work out. So… thoughts?

    (and yes, they have asked for my opinion / advice on this)

    1. This is bananas and unnecessarily alarmist. She’s a citizen, not a green card holder who has committed crimes or someone on a refugee visa. They should not uproot their lives over the fear mongering.

      2. Your level of ignorance is astounding. Citizens are being taken. Green card holders who have not committed crimes are being taken. White US citizens are being killed in the street.

        1. Agree. It’s fine if you wouldn’t go based on the evidence but don’t pretend that US citizens have been safe lately. It’s pretty damn obvious they haven’t.

          1. +1, people are carrying their US passports and being told by ICE they’re fake. they DGAF.

      3. agree also. I am not optimistic about the way things are going, and as a Minneapolis resident, it did feel dangerous. But every time I’ve daydreamed about leaving, I am faced with the reality that no where else is truly safer/better (in the short term, or on specific issues, maybe, but not looking at the overall package of rights and realities and standard of living).

      4. They have kids though! Isn’t it reasonable to want a better future for their family long term?

      6. Are you a naturalized citizen? Are you married to a naturalized citizen? If not, then I respectfully ask you to STFU.

        We are in a similar situation to your brother. My husband is a naturalized citizen. What that *should* mean and what it *does* mean are two very different things, and it is changing all the time. It is genuinely scary and terrifying, and the people who suggest that it is “unnecessarily alarmist” have cloaked themselves in ignorance about what is actually happening on the ground, who gets active threats, and what it’s like to go out and about.

        Seriously, those of you who claim this is “unnecessarily alarmist” are either strategically ignorant, snottily privileged, or both. Again, STFU.

        1. Agreed. I’m married to a naturalized citizen who was on food stamps and Medicaid for a few years when he first arrived under circumstances that would destroy most of you. I have no idea if he’s “flagged” for interest now. It is scary.

      7. If you are neither a naturalized citizen nor married to a naturalized citizen, then respectfully: STFU.

        What being a naturalized citizen *should* mean and what it *does* mean now, as well as the fact that it keeps changing for the worse, is genuinely scary. Your take is strategically ignorant, aggressively uncompassionate, or snottily privileged. Or all three.

      8. My kids are international adoptees, naturalized citizens. I am concerned. They hold no other citizenship and cannot speak the language in the countries where they were born. It’s easy to call it an over-reaction when those you love are white and US born.

    2. yup, already left, and in the process of cutting ties properly. I was on a visa, in the US for almost a decade, with a STEM PhD. Getting a green card kept slipping out of reach, and I decided I don’t need to take this BS.
      I still care, and worry about my friends.

    4. My son is disabled, and fascist regimes haven’t typically been kind to the disabled, so I’d love to get out of here if we could. I just heard that Canada loosened its ancestry requirements recently so that may be a possibility, my husband’s ancesters were French Huguenots in Canada

      1. I would read a lot about how kind different destination countries are to the disabled (there are sometimes surprises in countries that have a good reputation otherwise).

        1. Just seconding this. I have a friend who moved to a country that has a deservedly wonderful reputation for a lot of equality/civil rights issues, but really surprised her with its level of ablism (both socially and institutionally). She’s still very happy with her choice to move because of her professional opportunities and other lifestyle advantages there, but it was a downside that she did not expect.

      2. You’re not likely to be able to move to Canada if you have a disabled child. Canada requires a medical exam for all immigrants and rejects anyone whose medical costs will be above a certain amount each year.

          2. Is this some kind of “everyone is an immigrant because the Native Americans were here first” zinger? If you are a citizen of Canada, you have the right to live in Canada. They are not going to put you through the same medical screening that they will for a visa.

          3. Yes there are immigrant citizens. But if you are already a citizen of Canada, you do not need to “immigrate” and pass the health screening in order to live there.

          4. 12:!6 clarifying: If you are already a citizen, you are not immigrating when you move to the country.

        2. What is disabled though? Autism, but it’s train/math autism vs not potty trained at 11 autism? Amputation but I manage with a prosthetic? Fine but I have a family history of cancer and a BRCA mutation? Depressed but you can give me MAID because no one funds mental health care?

          1. Whichever ones are expensive. You can look it up, there’s some number they use. Plus any condition they deem a threat to public safety.

      3. I’m 10:22 – interesting! stuff to look into. he’s autistic which is an invisible disability, some quick googles look like there were some changes in 2018 to make the law more welcoming to those. but i suppose it’s a question what will happen to him after we die.

      4. I did a legal consult with a Canadian attorney to explore whether I qualified for citizenship. My grandfather’s grandmother was a Candian who moved to the US. To save you a couple hundred $, the attorney’s interpretation of the new law is it only applies if you are within 3 generations of being born outside Canada.

    5. I would if I could see any real way out, but I’m not rich enough, and I can’t do “grad school abroad leverage into job offer” because I have a toddler. Instead I’ll just keep phoning my senators office, which I have never seen do any good because I’m also stuck in a GOP stranglehold state.

      1. Thank you for keeping on calling. I think this helps–if there’s enough constituent pressure, it can affect how they vote. They’re probably not going to suddenly change how they do everything, but constituent pressure can give the courage to do the right thing some of the time. We need every bit of good we can get.

      2. Keep Phoning your Senators – I keep phoning mine and remind them to reach across the aisle.

    6. Where would they go? What kind of life could they have there? Would they be reliant on their employer for the right to stay in that country (as with an intra-company transfer) or would they have an independent right to live and work in the country? Are there advantages for them to be in that place beyond just not being in the US?

      1. And even if the parents can work in the country, can the kids? Will non-citizens get the fun stuff like medical care and cheap college?

    7. Yes. Have been working to acquiring dual citizenship in an EU country and will be moving there with spouse and teenage kids next summer.

      Safety/lower cost of living/weather/feeling drawn to the culture and more affordable college are our main drivers.

    8. I would move to many parts of Europe or Aus/NZ if I had the option and my parents hadn’t already uprooted their lives to move across the US to us.

      I would never move to the Middle East. That’s bananas. It’s in no way better than the US.

    9. While yes i know citizens have been detained, i agree this seems a bit alarmist.if their companies both have offices abroad maybe they could try to get moved there for a couple of years.

      1. That would be my suggestion. I have no plans to leave, but I think my kids should consider it, or at least consider careers where they’d have that option.

      2. My household is as white as can be and have been here since before the US was a country and I would seriously jump in a heartbeat if my company had locations abroad.

        1. We have offices in some places where I couldn’t legally drive a car, among other restrictions. Not sure I’d like taking a transfer there unless they are giving me a chauffer and an extraction team for when sh*t hits the fan.

          1. Fair; I should have qualified that I am in an industry where, if my company were bigger, locations abroad would be in countries like England, France, Germany, maybe the Nordic region. I’m not interested in jumping to, say, Iran.

    10. I’d be considering it seriously if my elderly single mother didn’t need me to stay.

      Well, I guess I have considered it seriously enough to know that we have no ancestry options, neither of us have digital-nomad friendly jobs, and we aren’t rich enough to qualify that way. But I already know which PhD programs in Canada and Europe I’d be applying to, and as long as things haven’t changed since the last time I looked, we might be able to squeak into Canada based on points if we did it before we both turn 40. No kids. Idk how I’d convince my husband, but he doesn’t have a Masters yet so that option would be open to him, and the GTA is only a couple hours farther away from his family than we are now.

      I’ve lived abroad before so that part of it isn’t viscerally scary to me.

      1. How does immigration to Canada work and why would your age matter (I get weeding out older people who’d likely need expensive medical care and contribute little tax revenue as a budget matter, but not this)?

        My sense was that many other countries welcome us as visitors but get really stingy on letting us work except as digital nomads (and maybe that has gone back to normal after COVID). I’d be wary of bringing my kids somewhere they couldn’t stay permanently for work if they’d otherwise live there long enough to have lost their home ties.

        1. You named the reason in your post: “It’s to weed out older people who’d likely need expensive medical care and contribute little tax revenue as a budget matter.” Canada would only be interested in us immigrating if we were going to contribute to the economy enough in our working years to mitigate our eventual draws on services after we aged out of the workforce.

          Find everything else here: https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada.html

          1. This is how it works in a welfare country. you benefit from childhood and during your education and again when you get old. Therefore during your working years you really have to contribute.

    11. The son of one of my cousins is married to a woman from Spain who is a dual citizen of Spain and the US. They recently moved to Spain and are living with her parents. She has a business and he is doing her books and web design. They lived in Colorado and she had been stopped multiple times by immigration agents demanding papers.

    12. I’ve lived abroad and couldn’t wait to come back to the US. Would not live abroad again by choice, even despite the current political climate.

      FWIW my Arab US-citizen mother would never live anywhere else either. It’s just not even a consideration. She’s more proud to be an American and live in America than anyone I know.

    13. It’s in the news today that Trump is dramatically expanding efforts to denaturalize foreign-born citizens. Previously this was more of a nuclear option and now it’s something he can use as a cudgel to tamp down protest. It’s not paranoid to accurately identify and process this risk.

      1. I mean this stuff is to grab headlines and provide full employment for public interest lawyers. You do realize that it’s not going to work and will be tied up for years in courts? I’d almost guess that it’s a stealth move to keep public interest law firms well funded by donations, but know it isn’t (but still, it shows their relevance).

        1. You have a touching faith in the courts stopping Trump. Even pretending for a moment that the courts will intervene, how does that help people who are deported first, ask questions later? Seriously, what’s your answer to those cases when people are snatched off the street and sent away?

          1. Right? I wish the blind faith that our institutions were still working was not so misplaced. The fascists are no longer playing by the rules and pretending they are or will soon return to them isn’t productive.

        2. You cannot possibly think that “this stuff” is some sort of effort to keep non-profits funded. You know, the administration which is supper supportive of civil rights and immigrants’ rights groups. Don’t be absurd. The purpose is to instill fear and confusion to tamp down on dissent and throw red meat to the base/white nationalists driving policy.

        3. given how much immigration has already changed in the last years, this statement is absolutely bafflingly uninformed.

      2. I heard about this from my elementary aged daughter last week, who said kids at school were talking about it and are scared. She goes to school with several kids who have green cards and they are very scared.

        I’m naturalized, white, live in NYC, speak perfect English and have a professional job and money. But I’m not entirely unconcerned.

        Unfortunately my country of origin is even worse and I don’t know any others that would take me. I’m honestly not sure what I would do. My spouse and child are US citizens by birth so I hope they are safe. Even if we could figure out somewhere to go, I have elderly in laws who need care whom it would be very hard to leave behind. I really hope it does not come to that.

        1. I’m also very concerned for those of us who would consider leaving if not for elderly relatives. It feels impossible.

      3. Yeah, your belief in courts working is cute. And even if it “works,” being detained for 2 weeks or a month is part of the picture, too, and that’s catastrophic in itself.

      4. An acquaintance works in federal government and can confirm a real push for denaturalization (which is handled by his dept). He said previously it was reserved for the most egregious cases, and an incredibly rare remedy.

        I’m a naturalized citizen and it is a concern to me. It is not entirely out of reach that it could happen if your face is scanned at a protest (see the woman who lost her TSA precheck because of face recognition from a protest – the info is already in their hands), or maybe even because you voted for Kamala (which I did). So it’s on my mind. I’m laying low and not going to protests even if I support them. I don’t post anything publicly on social media.

          2. They can predict who you voted for based on all the data they collect about you.

          3. And they are actively pushing for this info. See Bondi’s response to Walz a few weeks ago which was essentially “we’ll pull ICE out of Minneapolis if you’ll hand over your voter rolls”

    14. What countries are feasible options for them to go to legally? I think a lot of Americans are naive about what it takes to relocate, particularly if they don’t have a job that can get them sponsored for a visa somewhere.

      1. I’m the OP.

        That’s the problem – there is no clear answer. She’s from a place that’s even worse than this and would not be safe for their family. They’re in the very early stages of looking into this, but last I heard they were looking at Canada, Mexico (Mexico City specifically), Portugal or maybe the UK/Ireland if a work transfer was in the cards.

        1. Honestly, this is the entirety of their issue. They have to see what is actually a viable path and go from there. The harsh reality is that in terms of a pathway to residency, unless you either have a direct tie (or ancestral in some cases) to a country, buckets of money to qualify for a visa for the wealthy, student status, are a retiree with assets to prove you won’t be dependent on their social systems, or have sponsorship by an employer (often necessitating that you either are able to get posted overseas by an existing employer and/or have a genuinely sought after skillset), your avenues are very limited or even nonexistent in most parts of the world where most Americans are willing to live and work. It’s why I find it laughable when people act like undocumented people should “just do it the right way”. They can’t!

    16. Yes. Trump has been posting about denaturalization proceedings. If they can work as expats somewhere else, I would urge them to take that option.

  5. I’ll own that I’m solidly in the middle of a midlife crisis. Career is a big part of it. While the stories of women who quit their jobs to become an entrepreneur or underwater basket weaver or live off the grid are inspiring and awesome, something tells me that’s not realistic or feasible for most of us. I would love to know how other smart women have found more meaning or a new direction in their work. Because I have to keep doing something for another 15 years at least, and I’m low-key unhappy.

    I’ve been in the same org for a long time, and I’m realizing that I have become so good at being the person they need me to be that I’ve lost touch with what I actually enjoy and helps me stay motivated. I know my mentor leaned hard into mentoring others when she entered this stage. I guess I’m seeing why people adopt pet projects at this career stage, lol.

    1. This is what I think community college night classes are for — finding new paths, taking pre-reqs, nosing around what else is out there. It’s not s*xy like a NOLS class (also recommend), but good for showing bonafides and learning something (including reminding myself that I hate memorizing things and I’m not very good at it). You can even take a PE class that way and then you get some cool discounts.

      Signed,
      3/4 of the way through my pre-reqs to apply to PA school

    2. I don’t have an answer, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. I’m seriously considering trying to move to Europe, as they have a much different perspective on work/life balance and having lives outside of work. I don’t have any serious hobbies or passions that I can lean on and I live somewhere where there’s a lack of interesting things to do on the weekends or outside of work, so even when I’m not working there’s no clear answer on how I should be filling my time meaningfully. My downtime consists of hanging out with friends, reading, watching tv, playing videogames…none of which is increasing my happiness or giving me fulfillment. I’d also love to know what the female version of a midlife crisis is – instead of buying a sports car and having an affair with a younger person, what is our generation going to do to show that our lives still have meaning?

      1. IDK Crafting? Crafting with friends? Crafting with strangers? All of the above and wine? But I don’t need to show anyone that my life still has meaning — my mind really does not think that way.

      2. Fitness. Literally just doing what it takes to be healthy takes up a huge chunk of my life. Good solid hour of cardio most days, even just walking, and weights a few times a week. You’re probably supposed to also do yoga. How does anyone have time to get bored in mid life when just doing the two things every doc recommends takes an hour at minimum per day? This is not even to scratch the surface of taking up an actual sport. Just baseline things they tell everyone to do.

        1. OK, but that’s a “supposed to do,” not necessarily something that makes life feel meaningful!

          1. I guess I derive meaning from not being shamed by snobby skinny doctors looking down on me. Or being minimally shamed? Honestly, how do you just not feel this all
            the time? I can’t walk out of my house without being guilted and shamed about my health, by which they always mean metabolic health. I’m not overweight but it doesn’t matter. There is no disease or condition you can get where they won’t blame your diet and exercise. Literally they’ll blame cancer on protein powder being “too processed” as someone did here earlier this week. It’s a constant obligation unless you want to be treated really poorly in this life. And I still get treated like I’m not good enough, but at least I can say I didn’t fall short of the recommendations. How is it not fulfilling to at least chase the carrot of getting these critics off your back?

          2. It sounds like you need better doctors and probably a therapist. Yes, we’re all under a constant obligation to feed and move our bodies because those are bodily needs, but it’s not an obligation we owe to someone else we feel is judging us!

            I also think it’s wrongheaded to twist hypothetical concerns about consequences of industrial food processing into food shaming directed at people’s personal choices. Can we never hold a corporation or our government regulators responsible for letting other people down? I would avoid people who default to victim blaming in life.

          3. I agree with regard to victim blaming but that’s not my reality. My reality is that most of my free time needs to be devoted to health and fitness pursuits because the system, meaning the medical professionals and every loved one and casual acquaintance WILL blame me regardless. I’m just trying to hold onto a scrap of dignity here. BEST case scenario is oh she was a slob for liking vanilla flavored protein powder, but she was somewhat fit. I’m confused as to how this pressure isn’t nearly universal among women my age. I don’t judge people’s diets or bodies and I don’t speculate as to why someone gets sick. But I feel it all around me constantly.

          4. I hear you. I used to feel this way because I had a subpar medical team that was sending this message because they didn’t know what was causing my symptoms, and it’s objectively easier to blame patient lifestyle than to do a thorough work up. I found better doctors, the gaslighting stopped, my symptoms were diagnosed and treated with indicated, needed medical interventions, and now even though I’d like to lose some weight for vanity reasons, my medical team is actually encouraging me to prioritize my health for the moment instead.

            I do think the pandemic has made things weird lately because people socially want to blame literally anything else for its effects while also asserting control over whether they’ll personally draw the short straw. So I do feel some social weirdness, but if you are dealing with health issues that are being stigmatized instead of diagnosed and treated, try a second opinion. There are doctors out there who get it and want to do a better job.

          5. Gently, Anonymous, I suggest therapy. There is a lot to unpack there but the short answer is that no, most of us do not go through our days with that mental noise. FWIW, I’m generally considered to be the health nut in my friend group, but I work out, prioritize sleep, and eat nutritious food because I enjoy it and it makes my body feel good, not because I’m worried my doctor is going to judge me.

            To the OP: I’m happy enough in my career, but I’m not interested in the positions that would be the logical next steps. I bought a horse.

      3. Hanging out with friends, reading, and watching tv absolutely make me happy. Actually, spending time with friends (and family), reading, and spending time outside are probably the three greatest joys of my life. But if you don’t enjoy them , find something you do enjoy and do that. I don’t really worry about my life having meaning. In the big picture, very little matters, but I care about the things that are important to me and try to make the world a little better rather than a little worse, and that’s good enough for me.

      4. The female version of a midlife crisis is taking a year off to go to culinary school, ime. Then you confront the reality of those 3 am wakeups to get your oven fired up before the shop opens at 6 am and decide that the office job that starts at 9ish isn’t so bad. I’ve seen numerous women follow this trajectory.

        1. So true.

          A friend’s mom did this and the upside was cooking with a lot of liquor (delish!), which was largely left to the honor system (which was unearned by us).

      5. Fulfillment for me is tied to achieving something new (like pitching and speaking in my field) or doing something for others (I just transported a couple of dogs that were rescued from a hoarding situation). I try to listen to what gives me a jolt of excitement.

      6. My midlife crisis led to my resuming as a very serious hobby the extremely impractical career for which I was originally trained.

      7. I’m pretty sure the stereotypical female midlife crisis involves creatine, “lifting heavy,” and a marathon.

    3. Seek out a different role at your company. If you’ve been there a long time there’s probably a lot of things you’re qualified to do. You can keep your capital and shake it up. Doing a new job is the best way to get unstuck and great to do it without completely starting over. Before you dismiss it as “wouldn’t work here,” think about it and network internally to brainstorm.

    4. I made a pretty big career shift in my late 30s (I’m early 40s now) and it’s been a positive change. I had been at the same org for a long time in a very prestige-driven industry, org, and role that paid very well. But I wasn’t happy, and a few truly terrible years in my personal life spurred me to think big picture about how I want to spend such a big chunk of my days. Those years also highlighted how little my current org cared about its people.
      So I quit and focused on a passion project for several months. That work touched on my industry so I didn’t have an obvious resume gap. I started job hunting, focusing on the parts of my prior role I enjoyed and eventually found a job doing those things plus some new things. It pays significantly less but still a salary that allows me to live well, travel, and save for retirement, and my colleagues and the the org are fantastic. I don’t work nights or weekends anymore and have still been promoted, and I don’t define myself by my job. I enjoy it and feel good about the work I’m doing, but I’m very much in a work to live mindset.

      So my advice to you would be: research jobs/talk to people in roles doing the tasks you enjoy doing and don’t get bogged down in an inflated sense of loyalty to your current employer.

    5. I don’t have the answer but look at someone like Nancy Pelosi who reinvented herself around that age. My boss was out of the workforce (so again different) for 12+ years, was forced to reenter due to a divorce and now has a fairly big title and LOVES her job. She got remarried and could retire but i think it energizes her.

    6. I don’t know the answer, but solidarity. I’m 49 and happily married with a 13 year old; I can’t drop everything and move to Europe. I work at a medium size nonprofit, and there is no possibility for a lateral move within it. I’ve been trying to get another job for a couple of years but haven’t been successful, in part because I am being picky (I’m relatively well paid and in a somewhat niche role). I think for me the answer likely lies in consulting.

    7. Please keep replying to this post, even if it’s your sharing about other people who have navigated this complex situation.

      As in, I can commiserate, but don’t have anything to add – will totally share when I’m happily on the other side of this.

    8. When I hit the glass ceiling, I completely remade my life in every other way. (Not recommending the first one necessarily, but…) I left my husband, made a whole new circle of friends, went to grad school at night for a while, and ended up getting very involved in my local Rotary Club and made that and other kinds of community service the focus of my energies for the last ten years or so I was working.

    9. At 35 I was laid off from my corporate job. I went into consulting which is what I’ve been doing for the past 13 years. I formed my own LLC but found a partner who drives a lot of my business. I work about 15-20
      Hours/week on average, have a lot of sway over my own schedule, and make about $110k/year. This works because I have a partner with a full time corporate job with benefits.

  6. I don’t have a work dress or current work shoes that I can wear for several blocks of city walking. I usually wear pants with flats, but my flats are too big in the heel and aren’t really good for city walking because I walk out of them. Would a dressy loafer fix this? Something midway between a low-heel pump and a loafer? I tried the Sam Edelman loafers and my feet hated them — both too narrow by the ball of the foot and too wide in the back.
    For the work dress, I feel that skirts are so long that it’s more of a PTA mom vibe. Longer skirts are great if you are seated and speaking on a panel, but for day to day, I’d love something ending just below the knee that is sharp but not too twee and I’m just not finding it. I like wearing a dress with a lady jacket over now that we really don’t wear suits any more (or the same with solid pants — it hides the elastic in the back that seems to have taken hold and I’m not sad about that).

    1. If you want a loafer, look at Cole Haan. They fit me better than Sam Edelman and have more padding, too. I wouldn’t hesitate to wear them for city walking, and I am very picky about shoe comfort.

      1. I recently bought the Cole Haan Eileen Buckle Driver in two different colors and they are super comfortable for city walking. I have narrow heels. I initially thought they might be too big in the heel and I was going to need to add one of those heel cushion strips, but I wore them for a day without and they broke in perfectly. I tried a couple of pairs of Cole Haan’s loafers and they were not as comfortable. I used to recommend Rothy’s for this sort of situation, but the last pair I bought caused horrible heel blisters. Not sure what they changed.

    2. I still use Rothy’s for the shoe issue – they’re not going to win a style award, but they blend in with most outfits, don’t scuff on broken concrete, and can be washed off if they get gross.

      My dressy flats, especially pointed-toe leather or suede, never leave the office.

      1. For the Rothys, which ones do you wear? The round ones feel great, but look so frumpy on my peasant feet. The points? There are almost too many options, but I went into the store and tried them on and at least know my size.

        1. I think mine are the Lounge loafer (currently in only a few colors so not sure if the dark neutrals are sold out or discontinued). I’d probably try the Almond or the Double Bit if looking to replace now.

    3. I’ve been liking Vince, Veronica Beard (with some searching), Me and Em, or the Fold for work dresses/skirts. Ann Taylor is hit or miss, as is Brooks Brothers (a bit too formal for day to day).
      I’ve been defaulting to the Rothy’s almond loafer for pants, or the point for more casual skirts. Birdies flats are comfortable enough for all day wear (conferences for me) and dressy enough to wear with the nicer Me and Em/Fold dresses. I particularly like the Goldfinch or Sparrow styles.

      1. I feel like I’m the only person that Birdies don’t work for. I bought a pair and walked out of them. I loved the idea of the padding but they didn’t work for my feet.

        Would you wear The Fold or even Me & Em with Rothys? I feel like I’d need to fancy up the footwear (to something likely sadly less walkable).

        1. Yes to Me&Em with Rothy’s, no to The Fold. For whatever reason (the fabrics? prints? zippers on their dresses?) Me&Em read as more casual to me. For long work days I’ll wear The Fold with a dowdy but comfortable leather flat with as much padding as I can get into it.

    4. Do you want flats for comfort reasons? Because if you’re open to heels, I’m team block heels all the way. I’ve never found a ballet flat that worked for my high arched duck feet, I walk right out of them. So my faves are low to mid height block heels. I have some Pedro Garcia loafer pumps that are workhorses – good with skirts and pants – but I’m not seeing them around. But these are similar:

      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/casandra-bit-loafer-pump-women/8558487?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FShoes%2FWomen%2FLoafers%20%26%20Oxfords&color=001

    5. Whatever happened to Easy Spirits?! Those shoes where the bomb. I could walk to the metro, stand on the metro, do the escalators in the metro, walk to drinks after work, stand up at a reception, and wear to the metro and then back home and my feet were fine. I had the high heels (the ones in the commercial where the basketball players were wearing them), the mid-heels, and a pair of flats. I regret trying to get a cuter shoe and abandoning them but nothing else since has been even half as good. I have weird duck feet and I swear they were perfect.

    6. In addition to Cole Haan, my duck feet like Dansko loafers (but not their other shoes). If I size down a half size, some Naturalizer and Seychelles also work. Don’t do final sale.

    7. You can get adhesive pads to put inside the heels of your shoes so they fit better.

  7. Is there anything more humbling than being a full blown and historically very good lawyer and yet being unable to convince a company’s AI chatbot or phone system to let you speak to an actual human?

    2. Hahaha, I’m not this, but I am historically incredibly persistent. I have to assume for some places, the option just does not exist.

    3. funny you should say. i have been trying to chat with a representative all morning bc my tsa isn’t on my boarding pass for our flights tomorrow morning. i too am a lawyer although it hadn’t occured to me that this was part of the issue

        1. I wonder if it’s really that easy. Phone tree options aren’t any better at getting you to a human.

          1. +1
            This. Speaking to them makes me even more crazy. And that frenetic fake typing you hear sprinkled between their comments makes me want to poke an icepick in my eye.

        3. I’m the OP, and the phone line for the company I’m trying to reach requires you to talk to a robot. After about 15 minutes on the line, you get the option to be transferred to a human, only to be told wait times are very long and you can request a callback….and of course, the callback never comes. This is health insurance related (of course it is).

          1. Google to see if there’s a secret get a human prompt or number. There may not be but sometimes there is a path

      2. Just get to the airport 15 minutes earlier than normal – check-in again at the kiosk and add you TSA pre-check numbers there. Then you can re-print a new boarding pass with it on there.

        To be clear, check in on the app the standard 24 hours before, but then just check in again and add you numbers at the airport.

      3. Your pre-check may not be on your boarding pass because you’ve been randomly selected to go through regular screening. If you are consistently being denied pre-check, there may be a problem you need to resolve. But, if your information at the airline is up to date, and your pre-check hasn’t expired, it’s likely you’ve been randomly denied.

    4. Have you tried just repeating «manager» as your reply? I have had occasional luck with that or «i want to talk to a human» on repeat.

      1. I get to the “do you want to talk to a human?” question, say yes, am told wait times are very long and I can request a callback…and the callback of course never comes.

      1. Sadly, I’ve found that mimicking a semi-senile elderly person confused by the robot to be the best way to get through to a person, at least in my doctor’s office phone tree. If they are doing any sort of AI pre-evaluation of callers, it must be ready to flag me for dementia at this point.

    7. Never have I ever emailed the director in charge of our benefits program who in turn emailed an equally high person at the health insurance company because I got so mad at their chat bot and hold times. Net result, claim was reprocessed quickly.

  8. Weird question, but I’m looking for recommendations for a pillow that can hold up to a sleeper who tosses and turns a lot. It’s for my teen, so I don’t want to go high-end here, but Target pillows are not doing the job and go flat within a few months.

    1. What about the kind filled with shredded memory foam? I think Wirecutter recommends one

    2. I wish I could answer this–tempurpedic changes it’s pillow options way too frequently, but a few years ago I got a king-sized pillow for a full-sized bed and got it for a heavy person–so higher neck, but it melds to shape. But I can’t seem to find that option anymore.

    4. Assuming it is not an allergy issue, down pillows hold up best to my husband’s tossing, turning, and general desire to crush most pillows. I find the $200 price point to be about the sweet spot.

    5. I like feather + down pillows, but they aren’t necessarily cheap. They do last forever though, and you can machine wash and dry them. (Drying them actually makes them fluffier). The midrange IKEA version is usually good. Pure down are not lofty enough.

    7. The “Osteo Cervical Pillow for Neck Pain Relief” on Amazon actually helped cut back on the tossing and turning some for me. (I did also see a sleep doctor though since tossing and turning a lot can be a symptom.)

    8. every “cooling pillow” i’ve ever got is as firm as when i got it. i’m a side sleeper but flip flop a lot during the night, I alternate between a Nest sidesleeper pillow (year 3 or 4 now?) and a cooling pillow.

    10. Have you tried washing and drying the pillows? That can really fluff them back up.

      1. Do not wash your pillow! It only ends in tears. But I stick mine in the dryer for 20 minutes once a month.

        1. Ugh, don’t put a dirty pillow in your clean dryer. If your washer has a Stuffed Animal setting, use that to get your pillow clean and fluffy.

  9. I have mentally checked out at work – I have made the decision to retire at the end of this year (and have told my CEO) , and due to a combination of work patterns and my own motivation I have nothing to do, and for the first time in 40 years I have no work goals. Financially I could go earlier, particularly as I will have an inheritance sometime soon that will fill the gap. Personally I have no one to provide for other than myself and dogs! I’m waiting on my financial advisor to run the numbers for the end of the year, but could it be the right time for me to change my plan and get out and start to enjoy retired life. I’m naturally risk averse, but life has thrown a really major challenges over the last few years and I’m beginning to think that I should seize opportunities as they come, and stop sitting at my computer filling days because I think I should. What do you all think?

    1. Pls take a class at the Royal School of Needlework so that I can live vicariously through you.

      1. Now there is a thought! I have taken up crochet in the last year, and have been staying up late every night doing ‘just one more row!’.

    2. I mean you’re talking about less than 10 months. Can you cash out some vacation and take that to further bridge the gap? Seems like such a short period of time that if you’re done, just get going.

    3. Sounds like a great time for an off-season hiking holiday for you and the dogs.

      Sleeper train to Scotland and ferry to Shetland?

      Some windy walking is great for thinking.

    4. If you can retire now instead of waiting for the end of the year, do it! Why give The Man 10 more months of your life?

  10. Just wanted to share something positive – Federica Brignone, age 35, just became the oldest Alpine skier to win gold in her fifth Olympic games in her home country after breaking her leg last year and struggling with the recovery. It was her first gold medal ever. Her mom, also a former Olympian, was there watching. For anyone who asks why older athletes don’t just hang it up and go home, that’s why.

    What Olympic events are you loving this week?

    1. Not winter olympics, but one of the top-ranked US show jumpers (equestrian) is 60 (so was 58 when she rode in the last Olympics) and is so inspiring to me, a middle-aged equestrian who gets anxiety at little jumps. I just remind myself if she can do it at 60, I can do it at 40 (and I want to know her workout routine, because despite what non-equestrians sometimes think, you need to be in really good shape to ride at that level)

    2. Mexico’s first female cross country ski competitor – she finished last, but all of the other competitors were waiting at the finish line to congratulate her! And on the alpine side, a 46-year-old woman and her 18-year-old son are both competing for Mexico.

    3. Curling. The American mixed doubles team won the silver medal, and the female member became the first US woman to win an Olympic medal in curling.

  11. I was let go a couple weeks ago. I’m coming to the realization that I’m going to need a part-time/temp job to help pay the bills. I expect this to be a long job search (6 months?) because jobs in my field are few and far between where I’m located.

    I don’t want to do uber/doordash/etc. I’m thinking about Home Depot because it’s right near the house and I’m pretty handy. Are there things I should be thinking of as I look for a temporary job? Is there something other than uber or retail? Some mystical online job that pays well? Words of wisdom from those of you who’ve been here before are appreciated.

    2. I’m sorry.

      What about providing childcare? Like through care.com. You’ll need clearances.

    3. Substitute teaching might be a resource – if you qualify for your county/local system, you can pick and choose what is nearby.

      Is there a temp agency for the profession/area that you were previously employed with that might have inroads for temp or temp-to-perm work?

    4. I would wait tables again in a heartbeat if you’re physically up for it. Wait staff can make a lot of money with tips.

      1. The restaurant industry has really changed. Most meals are to-go or delivery. I’m sure there is still a lot of dine-in, but not enough for a person to just go be a server again, at least in my suburban area of a HCOL eastern-time zone city.

        OP, Consider DoorDashing or InstaCart shopping?

        1. Quite different in my VHCOL city, tons of restaurants haven’t moved to this model. I’d also bartend and wait tables in a heartbeat.

        2. This feels like a comment from 2021. Things were definitely weird for a while in peak pandemic but restaurants have been very full for years where I live (suburban Midwest).

    5. I had a great experience working at Trader Joe’s part-time in grad school. The health benefits were just as good as the consulting firm I had left, and pay was decent. The atmosphere was friendly both the other employees and the customers. The only drawback was the odd hours. They may be looking for people to work opening or closing shift and possibly weekends.

      1. I was coming here to suggest TJ’s! Their employees tend to skew “actual adult” and they have very high ratings for employee satisfaction.

    6. Have you filed for unemployment? It’s hard for me to picture a part time job that pays more than the roughly $1,000/week my state provides as an unemployment benefit.

      1. You can’t get it if you were let go for cause, right? They said the reason for letting me go was three-fold: 1) a client made a complaint about me, but they didn’t tell me what it was, so I didn’t even get a chance to say anything in my defense, 2) taking the position another direction, 3) looking for someone with other skills / my skills aren’t what they need any more. My husband doesn’t want me to apply for UI since it’d have to go back to my employer and they’d reject the claim as for cause.

        1. My opinion is that it doesn’t hurt to try, especially when you can offer up reasons 2 and 3, which sound like a layoff. They may or may not feel like bothering to dispute the claim, or the unemployment gods could smile on you by dismissing their vague “someone had a complaint” reasoning if they even bother to weigh in with it.

        2. Depends where you are but in my state everyone is approved and that go back to your employer thing never happens. It’s leaving money on the table not to apply for it.

          1. I should qualify, it’s the absolute extremely rare employer who will challenge a claim.

        3. Apply! The employer can contest a claim or not, but it is the applicable state agency that determines if you are eligible. It does not sound like your former company can show good cause for your termination, and at a minimum you have nothing to lose by applying and going through the process, which might include a hearing where you can make your case.

          Employment lawyer here.

        4. You should file. Also see what your actual paperwork says. If they “took the role in another direction” they may have filed you as a layoff which is not being fired and you 100% qualifying for unemployment.

          Also, ask your old HR.

        5. None of those things are “cause”. Neither in simple incompetence. “Cause” is theft of time or money, or some sort of other actual malfeasance. Apply.

        6. Just as a real-life example, I had an employer claim I was terminated for cause after I filed for unemployment. The department still ruled in my favor because the company didn’t have any documentation to support their claim. I would still apply.

      2. $1,000 a week?!? Holy cow. My state tops out at $320. It’s still better than nothing and probably better than a lot of part time jobs but $1,000 is incredible.

    7. Sorry to bring this up – but you say you’re looking at working part-time at Big Box Store right near your house. I’ve considered some similar things and just though of how I’d feel if someone I knew from my Professional Life and Neighborhood walked into the store and saw me doing the blue collar-retail thing. Honestly I have a lot of anxiety around that feeling, feeling embarrassed and possibly even humiliated. I don’t think anyone would be outright mean – I would just feel so ugh that it hurts me even to bring to bring this up. I would hate to wish that feeling onto anyone – have you considered this, do you not get that feeling, do you just push past it? What do you do? Sorry

      1. 1) My role was remote and I live 400 miles away from my former colleagues, none of whom I ever ran into when I did live there. 2) Now I live about 40 miles away from the nearest city where I’m likely to find work. 3) Studies show that 40% of people will be laid off during their careers – working a temp job to help make ends meet is happening every day all around us. 4) I’d love to run into a neighbor at a future job – just a chance to chitchat and say hello. 5) My grandfather didn’t raise someone too proud to do a common job. He raised someone with a good head for numbers who does what needs to be done to keep the lights on. All (legal) jobs are honorable.

      2. This feels like a really disproportionate reaction to *thinking* about working retail. Might be worth examining where you get the idea that it’s embarrassing and beneath you to have this kind of job. Like, if you find the idea of yourself working a retail job so humiliating, what does that say about how you view the people who *do* currently work those jobs? Not saying this with malice, btw, but maybe something to think about.

      3. I went back to my college job of being a barista when I needed income for four months between two contracts ending. It was in a smaller city and I’m not going to lie, I felt weird a couple of times when former college classmates and colleagues came through, but you know what? We made polite conversation. Nobody was rude. The world continued to turn. If they judged me, that said more about them than it did about me.

        One of my coworkers also (politely) read me the riot act when they overheard me refer to coffee as “not a real job” to one of my former classmates. That conversation made me reflect on my own biases against service work. And overall working in that position full-time–not just as a part-time gig for beer money in college–made me a more thoughtful, kind, and empathetic member of society.

        For the OP, I’ve heard good things about Costco and TJ’s. Wait staff for event catering could also be good if you have night/weekend availability.

    8. I have a colleague who does in-store shopping on the side and she loves it. She initially picked up a few orders about two years ago to increase her down payment, and has kept it up as low-impact exercise that she gets paid to do. She gets about 8,000 steps in while fulfilling a couple of orders a few times per week and loves it. She only does in-store shopping for curbside pickup, no driving. Our local supermarkets have their own in-house version of instacart for this.

    9. If you are collecting unemployment or severance, be sure that earnings from a new job will not render you ineligible or reduce what you are currently receiving.

    10. I would do childcare. Often Under the table, easily $20/hr, I’d pay you $30/hr if you were a fun, competent adult that also drive my kids around. We paid our nanny $35 under the table a decade ago.

    11. Also check out upwork and similar sites. I found a couple one-off gigs that paid ~$1k and I actually ended up with a really great part time consulting job after a short uoworks gig. I was hired to do some client interviews then brought on to do some strategy work. I think over the course of 9 months I was paid about $55k.

    12. Another idea- if you have the flexibility, how about home/pet sitting? Feb break is next week in a lot of places so you may find something asap if you aren’t dealing with your own kids at home.

  12. If someone has to buy into a law firm partnership – how does one find a bank for that loan? Are there national ‘partnership’ banks who will do it? Recommendations for an east coast bank that does it?

    1. Most law firms have a relationship with a bank that provides financing to new partners for this purpose. Tell your friend to speak with her firm.

    2. yes, my firm has a relationship with the private banking team of a major bank. They made the intro to the bank and I just had to tell the bank to fund the partnership buy-in, and the bank sent the money directly to the firm. The interest rate was around 8.5% so scrambled to pay it down as soon as I could. It was in the multiple six figures so it took a while. But the whole process was very seamless.

      I have heard of firms that do interest free loans against your future draws, which seems like a better option, but it may be a rare one.

  13. I like (or at least like enough) everything in my life except the fact that I’m single and have been single virtually my entire life.

    I’m early 30s so it feels like everyone around me is settling down and I am not. While having the freedom of being single is fun at times, I really, really wish I had my person.

    I’m doing everything “right”, I put myself out there both in real life and on the apps. I’m social and involved in various groups. I am likable (I have lots of friends), I’m conventionally attractive, I have interests and hobbies and things that make me interesting. I have a good job. I’m financially stable. On paper, I’m a catch.

    We had a family emergency recently and it did really hit me that everyone around me had a partner to lean on and I did not.

    It’d be nice to make “progress” in other aspects of my life (to offset feeling “behind”) but I do work in government and can’t afford to buy a condo or have a child on my own.

    It’s also hard to not feel like a “loser” when I’m “forever” single. I mean sure, I could have settled for someone I don’t love but I’d rather be single than settle. But I’m still unhappy being single!!!

    2. What happens when you meet someone on the apps? Do you routinely get past the first date? The third date? The three month mark? When are things fizzling out?

      And what do your friends say?

      1. If we get past a first date, things usually fizzle out after 3-4 dates.

        The two people I dated for longer than that were men I already knew and was friendly with. To date, I’ve not had success dating anyone totally new to me.

        1. How is the physical component around the third date mark?

          I am NOT implying that you should have any timeline (in either direction). Just wondering if things are fizzling from that standpoint. Again, without any expectations of pacing of gardening, there should be some attraction. Is there kissing, handholding, flirting? Long hugs? Gentle stroking?

    3. A few questions, asked totally without judgement:

      How are you trying to meet men? Apps? Real life? What is the dating scene in your city like?

      Have you asked your friends to gently explain anything that might be holding you back?

      What are your hobbies?

      Have you asked friends to set you up?

      Do you have friends who are men or just woman friends?

      How do you dress and what is your hairstyle like? This one is really without judgement at all! I don’t believe that women need to get all dolled up to find a great guy. But there is truth to “women dress for other women, not for men,” and being “fashionable” probably doesn’t help the way you would expect.

      1. Apps and real life (activities, friends of friends).

        Hobbies are mostly sporty (I still play/compete in 3 sports, I hike and ski), I’m also a regular at bar trivia, and am generally out and about (going to festivals, out to bars for a big game, a random class at a brewery).

        I’ve asked friends to set me up and basically the options are people who are taken or people who are single for a good reason. Annoyingly, I started asking for the set ups at like age 27 and even then it seemed to be “too late”.

        I have both male and female friends and always have. For a while I almost exclusively dated men I was friends with – I think already being comfortable with them really helped. I have fewer male friends here than I have in other phases of life but I do still have them.

        I’m an extremely independent, a little uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability (I’ve made great strides here!), and it takes me a while to become comfortable with physical intimacy with someone.

        I am bisexual and very open to dating men or women. I am more comfortable with intimacy with women than men but the male dating pool is much bigger.

        I like to look decently on trend but I’m not a slave to fashion. Boots, jeans, and a cute blouse or sweater in winter or a sundress in summer. I blow dry or straighten my hair and wear light makeup on dates. I don’t curl it (I don’t own a way to curl) or wear heavy makeup.

    4. It’s a numbers game and you’re at the perfect age to get serious about this. Any younger you’re much likelier to end up divorced. Your target age for a partner can be around 35, which is exact when men start getting serious about settling down. Get on whatever app is popular where you are. Date A LOT. Reject people quickly and if you want a relatively conventional life, this will be easy for you. You’ve just got to get out there. And +1 to dress for men not women.

        1. I’m the one who suggested it above, not the Anon you’re replying to.

          “Jeans and a cute top” is suggested here a lot, and it’s what women like other women to wear for a fun night out. Men “read” jeans differently, even if they are very nice and on-trend jeans.

          Bluntly? Wear a skirt and a top that, in a classy way, accentuates your chest.

    5. Saying this with kindness.

      You say you are bisexual. Have you thought about trying to date just women?

      It’s very difficult to find someone but, as a mom whose daughter is struggling with her sexuality, she keeps telling herself she is bisexual. I’m letting her figure it out herself but dating men fizzles out quickly. She struggles because society (and her father) has told her she needs to be married to a man to have children.

      My daughter is about 10 years younger than you but I see the same dynamic. I’m gently encouraging my daughter to take care of herself first (career, hobbies, financial independence) and focus on friendships first before romance. You have that down and I think you are awesome, which, paradoxically can put lots of men off, so acts as a great filter.

      You are not a loser for being single. Actually I admire that a lot. Based on my life experience, don’t compromise by settling for someone good enough. It’s never worth it. They need to be really into you.

      You don’t need a partner in a medical emergency. You need an advocate. Dont settle.

      All the hugs. It’s so much harder for your generation.

  14. low stakes question – do you use rubber gloves when preparing food? i always see them on tiktok etc and my son asked for some last night and i said NO, that’s osmething you only do if you work at subway or are making videos, it’s wasteful otherwise. but maybe i’m wrong? are there eco-friendly ways to do the gloves? is it gross to prepare foods with bare hands?

    1. I think people wear them on TikTok because if they don’t, certain people will comment on it. The only time I’d wear them is if I were going to be touching chilis or a lot of onion and garlic and I was concerned about the odor lingering, like before a dinner party or whatever. Otherwise, this is unnecessary. Wash hands often.

    2. This is insane. No one uses gloves when preparing food in a non commercial setting. So wasteful.

    5. Cooking at home – no. I wash my hands obsessively. Sometimes if I happen to have food prep gloves I like to wear them when handling raw meat because I don’t like the texture of it. But just wash your hands really well and its fine. Preparing food with your clean hands is not gross.

      I volunteer at a soup kitchen and they require hands washed + gloves. Change gloves and re-wash hands whenever switching tasks (or when the gloves are too dirty).

    6. I keep a box of disposable nitrile gloves in the kitchen to use when I’m cutting hot peppers, because there always seems to be something left on my hands no matter how thoroughly I wash them, and I will touch my eye at some point! I occasionally use them if I’m handling raw poultry or ground meat, but most of the time I don’t and just wash well after.

    7. I wear them if I am preparing a meat dish where I need to rub the spices into the meat or am working with hot peppers. I do not they are strictly necessary for the home chef, but I appreciate not having to worry about raw chicken or jalapeno under my nails.

    8. I wear contact lenses so I’ll wear gloves for chopping hot peppers, but that’s about it.

    9. This would only make sense if you have open wounds on your hands and are preparing something extra gross. And then you still need to not touch anything else with your contaminated hands. People always forget that gloves aren’t magic, all they do is provide a barrier between your hands and whatever you’re touching. But once your hands are dirty, they can still spread bacteria from food to your face or other objects or from your face to food.

      1. Do people always forget this? I literally can’t imagine touching my face with gloves on that I just used to handle some gross food and that are not contaminated.

        I think a lot of people have lacking skin integrity (try spraying lemon juice all over your hands to see if you have an “open wound” or not).

        1. if gloves are not a rarity, and you get used to them, it’s pretty easy to touch stuff accidentally or carelessly.

    10. I use disposable food-safe gloves when working with raw chicken. I get them in boxes of one hundred from Amazon or a restaurant supply store.

    11. I wear ordinary disposable gloves to handle raw meat (I do not need butcher’s warts, thanks!). It’s not because I think there’s something the matter with my clean, washed bare hands though. It’s the food that is gross, not my hands.

    12. It depends on what I’m cooking. Hot peppers, always. Raw meat, sometimes, if I have cuts on my hands or something could leave behind a smell I don’t want on my hands. I also use them if I’m putting salt and oil on a pan to scrub and season, because the combination just rips my skin up.

    13. Are you watching people make kimchi on tiktok? Because that’s not a hygiene thing, that’s a don’t burn your skin with spicy ingredients thing.

      Sounds like the kind of thing son should be paying for out of his allowance.

      1. Gochugaru (the chili used in kimchi) doesn’t really burn but it may stain your hands. And if making traditional style kimchi where you layer the paste between the cabbage leaves, you’re handling the paste directly, as opposed to making a quick version with chopped cabbage where you’d use a utensil to stir. (Source: I make my own kimchi)

    14. No. Even my high school fast food job gave us the option of washing hands religiously or wearing gloves (and grossly, the corporate policy did NOT require handwashing if you wore a new pair of gloves each time you entered the food prep area).

    15. OP LOL thank you guys. This was a chacuterie board so it wasn’t even raw or spicy (well, chorizo, but it was cooked). I have considered gloves sometimes if he’s making a chacuterie board for more people than just us so I don’t have to nag every 3 seconds for him to make sure his hands are washed, but this was just us last night.

      1. Ha, yeah, sounds like he’s just seen it on reels enough that he thinks it’s a cool thing.

    16. No, I cook at least 4 nights a week and just wash my hands religiously (and sanitize the heck out of my sink, knives, faucets, cutting boards, and countertops when touching raw meat/flour). I am the ‘weird’ one in my family for using alcohol wipes/sanitizing spray on my faucets/soap dispensers/cabinet pulls/probe thermometers but I’d rather be weird vs. get food poisoning.

    17. never. I wash my hands before and after preparing food. That is enough.

      I would consider it for something SUPER messy, but not for hygiene reasons.

    19. I use disposable gloves for cutting jalapeños. I learned the hard way. Otherwise, no gloves.

    20. No gloves. I think it’s such a weird phenomenon, and so wasteful.

      I don’t want to introduce more microplastics into my food.

      Cooking is a sterilization process anyways.

      Good hand washing with soap is good enough.

    21. i wear nitrile gloves if i’ll be cooking or cleaning for more than a few minutes, but more to protect my skin than for sanitary reasons. i like to layer a hand treatment under them.

    22. Sometimes. It is not gross to prepare food with bare hands. When I use gloves, I wash my hands before putting on gloves, while wearing them if relevant, and after removing them. The hand-washing is what makes food handling okay, not the gloves. The gloves are extra.

      I keep nitrile disposable gloves on hand, and I use them if I have a plaster/cut on my hand, if I’m chopping very hot chili peppers (bird’s eye and habanero, mostly), beetroot if I can’t have red hands, and sometimes if I’m handling raw chicken (once a quarter, maybe). I normally just use one glove, on the hand that’s handling the item.

  15. This is how it works in a welfare country. you benefit from childhood and during your education and again when you get old. Therefore during your working years you really have to contribute.

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