Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Tones Striped Cashmere Sweater
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
If you’re leaving for the office while it’s still dark, and coming home when the sun has already set, you might be looking to bring a little sunshine into your life in other ways. This striped cashmere sweater from La DoubleJ could be just the ticket to get you through until the days get a bit longer.
For the office, I’d layer it over a crisp white collared shirt and add my favorite trousers for a business casual look.
The sweater is $670 at NET-A-PORTER and comes in sizes XXS-XL.
For a couple of lower-priced alternatives, try L.L.Bean (straight lucky sizes plus 1X-3X, $89.99) or Banana Republic (XXS-XXL, $140).
Sales of note for 2/6:
- Nordstrom – End of Season Sale — winter styles up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – End of season sale, up to 70% off original prices — plus extra 25% off your $175+ purchase.
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off + extra 15% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance up to 70% off
- Elie Tahari – Great sale, up to 60% off! This reader-favorite sleeveless silk blouse is down to $50 from $198
- Express – $40 off $120, $75 off $200 (online only).
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter classics, + extra 30% off sale styles with code
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + extra 50% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Valentine's sale, up to 50% off — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
- M.M.LaFleur – Save up to 70% off, dozens of styles now on clearance. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Neiman Marcus – New sale arrivals, up to 40% off. You can also earn a $35-$700 gift card with purchase of $250-$3000.
- Talbots – Free shipping on $150+, and members earn 3X style points.
Thoughts on the Golden Globes fashion? I thought there were a lot of boring dresses, TBH. I liked Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone’s yellow but not the 2 piece, Tessa Thompson’s green (Rose Byrne’s green dress was nice but not a good color on her, IMO), Julia Roberts looked amazing, ditto JLo (!!!), Colman Domingo, Rhea Seehorn (that dress must weigh a ton!). Did NOT like the yellow/tennis ball stripe on Leighton Meester’s dress, and a lot of black (yawn).
My only thought is how disturbing it is that the media are covering Golden Globes fashion but failing to report on the door-to-door raids in St. Paul or the bill introduced in Congress to strip dual citizens of their US citizenship.
Stopping everything you’re doing and focusing all your attention on this president means he is winning. You can fight for democracy and also find time for enjoyment.
Sorry to wreck your outrage but I’ve been watching Iran.
So excited for these “who’s more concerned/informed” Olympics!
Enjoy fiddling while Rome burns.
I spent plenty of time watching the coverage of the horror show in Minneapolis for the past few days. This is a fashion blog.
I liked Kate Hudson the most. Julia Roberts did look amazing, also Minnie Driver and Jennifer Garner!
I was wondering if the lighting was off. A lot of people looked washed out – like Amanda Seyfried and Emma Stone, neither of whom usually have that problem.
I just read that Jennifer Garner’s black dress took hours and hours of labor to hand-bead and sorry, while I’m sure it was beautiful, in photos it looked like a dress I wore to Winter Formal in the 90s!
It looked the eating disorder Olympics. I am not going to click on any more awards show fashion content, or watch the shows. I am skipping Wicked and any other shows led by skeletons. I may end up watching just old movies but I don’t care. No one should be making money off of exploiting women like that.
I feel like it’s all everyone on GLP-1s.
Yeah, I was pretty stuck by this too. A lot of these woman look like they’re on death’s door!
you know what, I commented above about people looking washed out, and maybe that’s what I was picking up on – they look wan because they are not eating?
I also agree that the lighting was bad. On tv, a lot of people looked orange to me. But when I was looking at photos of the red carpet online, the lighting was better, and there were still a lot of terrible looking skeleton women. I’m in my 40s, so a lot of them are people I’ve been watching for decades, and some of them have always been thin in a way where it seems like it’s their natural body type, but there’s definitely been a dramatic increase in the number of horrifyingly thin women that doesn’t look healthy or attractive, presumably due to GLP-1s enabling eating disorders.
Yes. For example, Angelina Jolie is naturally thin. The ozempic face is not a good look at all.
+1 I think supporting Wicked is well, wicked. The producers and executives knowingly cast and continue to promote Ariana Grande while she undergoes a severe mental health crisis in the public eye. There’s a special responsibility too, considering that the franchise is aimed in no small part at kids.
My teen lost interest in Wicked between the first and second movies, and I gather that the skeletal state of the stars and their odd behavior were factors.
Yes, I feel like there are people profiting off of her, when they should be doing an intervention.
I feel like you’re already seeing fashion trends following suit. I’m 52, so was right around my college years when heroin chic was a thing. When I see Jennifer Lawrence and JLO and think about the growing popularity of sheer corsetted wedding dresses, I fear for the body pressures about to hit day-to-day fashion for young women. Crop tops and low-slung jeans were such a hard time to meet body expectations. The 2026 version is going to be brutal.
Yeah, and the availability of these medications through online sources is great for people who really need them for health reasons, but a recipe for teen disasters.
Jenna Ortega and Mia Goth look like the same person.
Do any NoVa people have a good realtor recommendation? My MIL is exploring selling her house and downsizing. It’s likely a teardown (currently mobility challenged, so cleaning is hard and the clutter has gotten a bit out of hand, which makes it hard for us to help her keep it clean), but fairly close to the metro. IDK if anyone knows a good person or if we start calling brokerages, what even to ask (we live out of the area and I’m not sure I’d know this where we live). I think that there is a fair amount of shame in even letting a non-family person inside, so maybe some agents are much better at that and closing that type of deal than others.
In NOVA (and probably everywhere?) I find realtors are hyper local. I would go on Redfin, find some nearby recent tear downs, and call the real estate agents that sold the houses post-reno. They know the builders and can likely make things happen easy and fast.
I hired a real estate agent in similar circumstances, but I think I could have gotten the same result and saved the realtors’ fee if I’d just called a handful of firms that buy teardowns and build new and asked them to bid.
Where in Nova? I’m in a hot zip code and there a few realtors that dominate the market, but they generally stick closely to the neighborhood.
Vienna
My agent is based out of Fairfax and I loved working with her. If you want to drop me an email at britbrit1228 at the Google, I can share her info.
My child’s counselor (Psy D practice, some PhDs) was in a counseling practice that seemed to close abruptly. Apparently, it had been purchased by a private equity company a couple of years ago. IDK if you can do non-competes with doctors at all (or mental health providers even if not MDs), but I never would have thought to look into this (and I definitely wasn’t notified of any ownership change and to be honest, it never dawned on me to even ask who owned it when we started; I guess I would have assumed the seniormost providers probably owned it and were on the lease for the space and maybe some other providers were employees). Most MD-employing places where I live are hospital owned outpatient offices (which in my youth would all have been small doctor-owned practices).
Questions to you who know more about PE than me:
1. Is there an overview anywhere as to PE in health care generally? Or different ownership models of providers?
2. What should I, as a consumer, care about or are there questions to ask? Like if the practice folds, what’s my continuity of care? Who gets my medical records?
I know that lawyers can’t have non-lawyers own law practices because of confidentiality and conflicts of interest. I didn’t realize that other professions weren’t like that.
Usually in other areas of healthcare, you’ll know because there are signs. Suddenly the office will be understaffed and less responsive. If it’s a veterinary clinic or a dermatology practice or a dentist, you’ll notice all the new salesmanship and upselling and the price increases. Appointments will be more rushed. Your provider will seem miserable, or you’ll never see them because they now supervise a less qualified person who is paid less. Basically you’ll be looking to quit the practice whether you know it’s been bought out or not.
your calls go to a call-center, and not anyone in the building.
This is anxiety talking. You don’t need it do any of this.
I agree. PE is everywhere now. HMOs were the precursor of this back in the 1980s so it’s not like homespun, friendly practices are the norm.
Just wait until your providers disappear.
Are founders of midsized companies selling to ESOPs anymore? Maybe not in healthcare, but otherwise?
This is a question of state and federal law. Your medical records are something that you legally always have access to; you may need to pay if you need more than one copy, but they have to provide them and transfer them.
Doctors can’t do non-competes.
Noncompetes are totally a thing for doctors.
Agreed — they get a lot of geographical restrictions if they don’t negotiate hard at the beginning.
Lawyers don’t get noncompetes.
+1. Some states don’t allow non-competes for doctors, or have specific rules restricting them. Otherwise, non-competes are absolutely a thing for doctors. They can be part of employment agreements and/or the purchase agreement when a PE firm buys the practice.
Yup. Noncompetes are the norm for my very large city with many competing academic hospitals.
The opposite is true with respect to non-competes, unfortunately. My doctor spouse has never gotten a job offer that didn’t include some sort of non-compete, in multiple states over the course of a decade, although depending on the employer the specific terms of the non-compete have been negotiable.
My husband is a dentist and he has been asked to sign the most ridiculous non-competes. Like 5 years and a 300 mile radius from the clinic – we would need to move to a different metro for him to get a job! Fortunately he is married to a lawyer who has advised him to renegotiate to a more reasonable scope and/or refuse to sign, but any corporate owned dental practice (and even some individually owned clinic) has non-competes in place. I can’t speak for doctors, but I was surprised by this because as a lawyer I have never been asked to sign a non-compete and previously assumed it was the same for all licensed professionals.
Doctors absolutely can do non-competes, unless you are in certain states like MN. Source: employed as health care attorney for more than 30 years, working as GC for health system with non-competes.
A lot of provider orgs are offloading the management of medical records to companies who specialize in that sort of thing, I think Ellkay is an example. You will have to pay to get your records or have them transferred to another provider if they go this route. So yes, you legally have access, but best to get your records when you leave the practice to avoid this headache.
Ha! What about when the practice leave first? We’ve had two places just shut off the lights.
In most (all?) states, they have to designate someone to hold the records for whatever the statutorily-required amount of time is. They should send notification to patients when they are closing as to how to access records, but if you didn’t get it, the state medical board usually has that info.
Noncompetes are state-specific. Some states prohibit noncompetes in healthcare for public policy reasons. Most states allow nonsolicitation provisions, but if a patient reaches out to the doctor then the doctor can treat them.
Maybe I should be more clear; a doctor can have a geographic non-compete, but cannot be prevented form seeing patients if those patients want to travel.
I can tell you what PE did to the company where I worked that was health tech. Constant changes in top sales leadership–like every six months. Then ousted the beloved and objectionably successful founder and CEO. Then a massive lawsuit as they tried to steal someone else’s CEO against every non-compete out there. Then a complete gutting of COO, CMO, CSO, CTO, HR and many VPs. More lawsuits as they replaced these roles with friends and friends of friends (often far less qualified). Trimming of more than 100 of the lower workers–who were fired by mass Zoom. And rest of staff were told that an annual gutting of 10% of “low performers” is normal. Tech that’s broken and existing client needs ignored while they go after new logos to try to get next stage funding and hunt companies to acquire. Bro culture takes over. Every one one of those clients was a healthcare provider, and they’re left swinging in the wind amidst the chaos. PE is truly the worst thing to ever happen to healthcare. It’s short-term profit at any cost and constant mergers and acquisitions over organic earned growth. I didn’t know anything about PE before this. I’ve seen the same pattern now with others. I’ll never work for another PE-owned company again.
One of their favorite games with healthcare acquisition is to sell the land out from under the practice for a big chunk of money, and then the practice is stuck paying rent to their new landlords. They’ve figured out how to make money when the practice eventually fails, so they don’t care.
To be fair, didn’t doctors use to sell their building to a trust owned by their kids as an estate planning move, especially since they can’t leave the practice to non-doctor kids or them equally (I guess this is before PE bought any random sort of highly-regulated assets)? To be fair, I’d love to be left anything, but it’s incredibly non-diversified and illiquid. Fast-forward 20 years and the building needs a new roof and the hospital has moved and my BIL doesn’t want my sister to spend $ on fixing it up or wants to sell and I don’t.
This is probably one of the less objectionable things they do (and I’m in a related industry). The idea here is not to be stuck paying rent per se, but for the doctors/owners to be able to use the capital that’s tied up in real estate either to retire or grow the business.
I know that’s the story they tell. And it’s great for the doctors who retire, but terrible for the patients who stick with the practice. “Grow the business” in a way that hurts patients hurts everyone too (and frequently fails).
I mean Hahnemann Hospital was shut down because PE decided the land value was greater than the value of the hospital as a going concern.
I’m sorry this happened to you. When DH’s practice sold to PE the PE firm required all employee doctors to sign new non competes, nondisclosure, non disparagement agreements as a condition of closing. it’s part of their business model, trap the current docs, make their lives terrible so maybe they quit, hire new grad docs and pay them nothing. It is horrible for pts, the Biden administration was ending non-competes but that died, obvs.
When I was growing up, my parents had tons of friends. There were regularly other adults that stopped by for a drink after work, came over to borrow or return something, or go to an outing with them. My mom had girls’ nights and my dad had poker nights, and they went to gatherings and events frequently. This does not happen in my own life and it doesn’t see very common in my friend group either. Is this a me thing or a millennial thing? I am an introvert and a homebody so I’m not sure I mind, but I do feel sometimes I am lacking in that sense of community they seemed to have.
I read Bowling Alone 20+ years ago and it gets truer every year.
Me too. My parents didn’t really have friends or do things, and I’m working really hard to build a richer life. I’m making progress, but finding that it’s not so easy. I think that’s partly because when everyone is socially or civically engaged the friction to doing so yourself is just a lot less. I have spent the better part of the past year trying to find nonprofits I want to volunteer with/get involved with, for example, and half of them never return my email or reach out about my application, but for sure will spam me to send money at every given opportunity. It has been… pretty disheartening.
Here’s some controversial advice: The charity that throws a luncheon or party is going to be so much easier to make friends at than the organization that doesn’t. The people running it probably value socializing and to some extent it’s a social endeavor. There are amazing charities in my community where people simply do wonderful things quietly, but they’re not the best place to meet people. The splashy and inefficient parties that you see photographed in the local magazines are the places to make friends.
I have found this to be true with organizations I’ve been a part of. Most non-profits that I’ve worked with really need skilled volunteers or staff to do what they need– which means constant fundraising for staff salaries (and no volunteer opportunities for lay people) or they want volunteers that they can train and show up on a consistent basis, which most working adults can’t do.
For example, in Junior League, I went the service route and kept thinking I would make friends by doing that. I did a lot of volunteer work but most of my hours were spent reading to kids by myself, not with other volunteers. In contrast, friends that did Junior League placements that seemed to focus mostly on socializing over service actually made friends. I knew very few people who both made friends and were able to do volunteer work.
I’m OP at 10:10- I’m less concerned about the actual volunteering. It’s more that I want my involvement to have a relational/in-person component vs just giving money (which I also do). I have started going to a few fundraisers and that has been a fruitful way to be socially engaged and also involved. It has still been frustrating.
My answer is kinda? We are generally more structured than we were 30 years ago. Like, people text before calling to make sure they’re not interrupting. Additionally, you might be working from home so if I see your car in the driveway I’m going to check and make sure that you’re not busy before stopping by.
But also… I am the opposite. My parents didn’t have people stop by because of a lot of things… but husband and I consciously moved into a neighborhood where we’re regularly just chatting with neighbors on nice summer evenings outdoors and having friends over and being able to text ‘OMG kids are driving me nuts – want to let them be feral together?’ I do think that part of it is cultural.
The big thing that helped was deciding that things didn’t need to be perfectly planned to be great. I didn’t need to lay out a full appetizer spread and have a selection of cocktails and mocktails – ‘Coffee or Tea?’ is great. Deciding that it’s lovely for somebody to stop by for a quick coffee. Deciding that my house would be ‘clean enough’ and not needing it to be perfect.
I’m curious how much of this is also work & activity culture that’s changed since we were kids. Like my dad came home at 5:30, changed clothes, and then didn’t work at night. Until I was a teen, any after-school activity I had was low-key, right after school, and then we were home for the evening. I can see that leaving more mental energy for socializing than we get today!
I agree with this. My friends who are consistently done with work by 5:30 or 6 have way more weeknight social activities, even the ones with kids. This is especially true if their entire career had these types of jobs. The people who work intermittently or regularly in the evening generally do not – especially if they began their career in intense law / consulting / finance / medicine type jobs that taught a mentality of constant availability.
Yeah, I think we don’t do this anymore because hustle culture for white collar workers has left us nothing at the end of the work day. We work late, we cram in a little family time, then we plug back in to work to answer the texts and emails we missed.
Additionally the standard for homes, decor, and food has risen a lot with social media so people feel like they can’t just have some beers with bowls of chips – it’s got to be posh.
“Additionally the standard for homes, decor, and food has risen a lot with social media so people feel like they can’t just have some beers with bowls of chips – it’s got to be posh.”
True but paradoxically, because no one hosts, if I’ve offered you some beer and chips I’m already in top tier of hosts. I live in a modest home in a wealthy area. It’s pretty cute; it’s thoughtfully decorated. I can tell by the real estate listings that most of this giant pricy homes are not insta worthy. There’s a lot of very poorly decorated very expensive square feet in this world.
Open concept homes don’t help. there’s a reason older homes had formal living rooms, always ready for company. you can’t see the kitchen sink from the front door.
This was my thought. Most folks I know working any sort of office job aren’t “off” at 5 or 5:30. I’m 52, and the intensity of the work day seems to have changed drastically. I remember lunch hours being a norm across all levels of seniority in ways they aren’t anymore. Remote work is wonderful, but also doesn’t facilitate after-work drinks. Maybe I’m just jaded, but work feels so much harder and longer these days that it sort of eats into free time. I don’t have children, but my peers who do are in a constant go-go-go state to get them to the next structured activity. Many early careerists are doing side jobs or hobbies to supplement income. I feel like the hustle culture has sort of killed what downtime actually means.
For me part of the “work” equation is that it also seems like* there’s so much more pressure do to “work for your career” outside of your actual job – contribute to open source, constantly rework your portfolio, manage your LinkedIn presence
*maybe this is just millennial whinging and there was equivalent pressure in the 80s/90s/00’s – would be interested to hear from people actually in the workplace at that time!
On the flip side, I live in a big city and my friends have professional jobs in a range of industries and no one works past 5:30/6.
Anyone who was in banking or big law in past generations also wasn’t socializing on a Tuesday, just like anyone with a 9-5 now is able to
This is the key right? Growing up we also had one or two activities one or two nights a week. Now everyone’s schedule is just filled to the brim so of course there’s no energy to socialize. Socializing takes work and it takes serendipity.
There are so many more factors than merely a you thing/millennial thing that are in play here: What kind of neighborhood or community did your parents live in, where did they meet these friends, what kind of parenting was everyone doing, what kind of jobs was everyone working, what kind of kid lifestyles did the kids have. AND, what kind of personalities did your parents have — was one of them the driver for this activity, or were they both equally outgoing? Or did someone else in the neighborhood, church group, or community drive this level of interaction?
Interestingly I wouldn’t consider either of them to have been outgoing or particularly friendly. We lived on a secluded street so probably not driven primarily by proximity. We did not go to church so that was not a factor. The vast majority of the interactions were not driven by kid connections either as my parents were not very involved in our activities or schools. That’s why I was thinking maybe there was some time/generational aspect.
DH and I don’t really socialize during the work week, but we do have low-key hangouts with friends most weekends.
I’m early 30s – my friends are a mix of singles, DINKs, and those with kids. I’m single and childless but would like a partner and child.
My main group (5 women) does things as a group or 1:1 several times a week. Usually a mix of yoga class, happy hour, low key weeknight dinner, and some weekend girls nights.
I’ve told my friends with kids, hey I’m just happy to hang out so I still see them often – it just looks different than it used to. They’re happy to see friends, so they’ll pack up the kids and bring them to a brewery. Or, I’ll come over for dinner, play with the kids a bit and then we’ll have adult hang out time after the kids are in bed. I’ve (happily) become an auntie to a few of my friends’ kids.
However, I don’t want everything I do to have a toddler present so I am trying to be better about connecting with other friends more regularly. It sounds cold, but I have a list of people to remind myself to reach out to.
I also keep a list of activities I want to do, so I can suggest something besides happy hour (but, I still do a lot of happy hour). I have good friends I share hobbies with, and I’ve joined hobby groups to try to meet new people too.
I also really lean into my fellow single and childless friendships. A lot for moral support (none of us want to be single and childfree!) and also because who else is available I’m a Tuesday with no notice? A few of these friends are local, but some friends in the most similar situations are college friends who in other cities. So lots of texting, phone calls, and weekend visits.
Building and maintaining the village is hard but it’s important. It’s hard for me to make the first “move” in inviting a hobby friend or work friend to something but it often pays off. I do an “adult sticker chart” for myself for lots of things (flossing!), but two categories I have are reaching out to a new potential friend and also doing a new activity or outing. Within reason, if I get an invite I make myself accept it – you never know if you’ll meet a friend. I’m also an inviter! You often have to be the person who comes up with a plan and invites others.
I’m an introvert who is shy (at first) and afraid of vulnerability and independent to a fault so this isn’t something that comes naturally to me. But, my fear of not having community overrules my fear of putting myself out there.
Finally, I’ve told my closer friends that I WANT to be the friend they call at 3AM. Let me drop off medicine when you’re sick. Call me when your car breaks down. I’m really working on allowing myself to ask for help and accept help myself, but it’s important for me to be that person for others.
My parents have a large, SUPER tight group of friends. I’ll never have the number of close friendships they have, but I’ll do my best to try to build that.
+1 million to all of this, especially inviting and accepting invitations. That’s the secret sauce.
You’re not alone. Nobody outside of my in-laws has ever seen the inside of our home. It’s a very nice home, we just don’t have people over. I’m 37, which I do think matters for the purposes of your question.
This is absolutely
Wild. Wdym no one has ever been inside your house. Like, by choice??
My jaw is literally on the floor at this statement
Why is that?
Yeah. Even now I always make sure to dress well when I stop by my parents’ house because someone will be there, having a drink or saying hi.
This level of socializing is still pretty common in my world, too. (Two friends dropped by separately this weekend.) That said, I’ve had to cultivate it. It’s been a goal of mine for three years now and I’m no longer actively trying to make friendships and develop connections. I am still doing it but it’s not a goal.
What I have learned is that the vast majority of people my age, I’m early fourties, are very happy to NOT have these relationships and connections. Truly, they don’t see it as a part of a well rounded life and would rather just be alone or with their immediate family. There’s another group of people who think it might be nice but would rather not seek out community if it means even a slight inconvenience or discomfort. Making friends and building community isn’t hard but its occasionally uncomfortable and the minute a girls night requires a babysitter or going to an event requires encountering new people they’re out. I think there’s this idea that opting out of any social event is somehow self care but it’s also not healthy to have no community.
Am I slightly embarrassed that a not super close friend saw my house a mess on Saturday? Yeah, but we had a drink and a fun chat. Unless she decides that makes me irredeemably gross and not worth knowing I think its probably something that strengthens the relationship.
I agree about a lot of people our age having weighed the pros and cons and ended up preferring life without the relationships and connections.
That’s interesting — if anyone who happens to be reading has that view (that relationships and connections aren’t worth it), I’d be interested to hear more about the thinking behind that view.
I’m burned out on friends. Every time I feel like I’m making progress, something happens and I’m back to being alone. Best friends in particular have been a source of hurt for me. Friend breakups are so devastating. It’s much less – and more – lonely to keep people at arms’ length.
Aside from the big devastating hurts, there are a million little annoyances inherent in groups. Anne doesn’t like Becca, Becca is oblivious. Carrie likes Dana’s husband a little too much. Eliza is a snooty know it all that everyone tolerates because she’s the only one that makes plans. It gets to be exhausting.
I think it’s not complicated, just that life is hard and people can be messy! I feel like I know a lot of couples who don’t get out much and we’re all similar. Having a partner means a community isn’t needed just to not be alone. Not having children means there’s not as much of a need to build community connections for the kids. When there are also a lot of inescapable relationships at baseline (family and work, long hours), it really can feel like a relief to have fewer social plans, and there’s almost a stronger sense of connection with the other people who are staying home with the cats again. I think there’s also a phenomenon where the least social people only end up encountering the most social people since those are the people reaching them and end up missing a middle ground.
I do also sometimes feel like this age cohort is a little messier than what I remember of my parents’ and grandparents’ friend groups, but that’s probably a mix of survivorship bias and not having been old enough to know all the drama.
I think also is that it’s not really valued. People feel their career matters, their marriage matters, physical health and fitness matter, their extended family relationships maybe matter depending on how they grew up and socializing is optional frivolity. My thinking on this has shifted. I think it’s worth pushing past the discomfort of leaving my house and sometimes awkwardly standing at an event to build relationships. I’ve watched my parents age and retire, lose a child and face health challenges. Their friends are truly a huge part of their lives right now and I don’t think their lives would be as nice without them.
My parents’ friends are definitely messy and gossipy and complicated. Couples will be in fights with other couples and leave the group for a bit and then come back. I think part of it is that their friend group formed through kids’ sports teams. The kids got along and the parents generally did, so they all became friends. They really have nothing else in common.
In contrast, when our generation makes friends as adults, we typically screen for similar political beliefs or some type of interest. I also think there’s a “grass is greener” aspect to making friends when you see influencers or other people online, whereas our parents just felt like they had to make do with the people around them.
I feel like there’s a also difference between human nature type messiness and something more like a higher risk lifestyle? I feel like some of my parents’ friends from the 70s/80s were more or less bad influences, which is a real trade off.
Oof. It sounds like you need better friends. I don’t have any of this kind of drama in my friend circle.
I think this might also be a neighborhood thing? How walkable is your neighborhood? My life is kind of like this- I casually interacted with at least 5 of our neighbors this weekend spontaneously, and have several local friend events coming up. My husband is in a weekly indoor golf league and also does a regular weekend run with several other dads in the neighborhood. Honestly it can be overwhelming at times, although I generally think it’s awesome and love it. It did take A LOT of time to build, and the fact that we have kids gives us a major advantage too, because that builds in a whole pool of other adults with whom you have something in common and a reason to interact.
^this. We live in a highly walkable downtown neighborhood with a lot of third spaces easily available. It’s part of why we picked the neighborhood as it is very similar to how I grew up and I place a premium on being able to largely get around on foot other than commuting. No kids, but a lot of our friends also live reasonably close, so we can pop in on each other or text to meet up and get coffee.
Thirding this. I live in a walkable commuter town and I am almost guaranteed to run into at least one friend or acquaintance when I’m in our “downtown” area (where most of the shops etc are). It is a DELIGHT. We also intentionally set up casual hangs with our street neighbors (last-minute s’mores in the driveway, someone made a big batch of a specialty cocktail and invites people out to come test it, etc). It took time to get to this point but it’s the main reason I don’t want to leave this town! (Which if I want a bigger house I would have to do)
You alone have the power to design the life you want. Want people to come over? Invite them. We’ve done a lot to intentionally have the social life we like – dinner after work with friends at least once a week, a nice guest suite to host out of town friends, we host dinner parties regularly and don’t expect reciprocal invites. It’s all about how you choose to spend your time and energy.
yup, I host regular things, and have a good circle of friends and acquaintances, which I needed to cultivate since living so far from my whole family.
From my childhood, I only remember one single time when we visited college friends of my parents (seared into memory because they let me play with their model trains). However, we had lots and lots of visits and vacations with extended family, and also longtime relationships with the people from my parents sport.
Fair. I definitely don’t want people to come over. I find it very intrusive to have people in my safe space. However, I do think there was some benefit to this community my parents built and so I wanted to hear from others about their experience as I try to build a more intentional life.
OK, but you’re putting up literally the easiest barrier to building community.
Safe space? Oh please… You are the problem here. You need to intentionally let people into your safe space to have a real life.
are we talking OP and her nuclear family, or are you living alone OP? Either way, I agree that not letting people into your life (physically and metaphorically) is directly connected to lacking a community. But if you live on your own and can’t fathom letting a single person into your space, that’s a You thing, I wouldn’t think that that’s the norm.
That wasn’t the norm in my community. My parents were involved in civic groups, but didn’t socialize in people’s homes. I also think some of that was forced proximity. I am an introvert with many friends but not a friend group. Many of my friends don’t know each other. Out of all of them, I have maybe 2 friends that do regular entertaining in their homes.
I think this question is super interesting. Thanks for asking it!
My grandparents had the kind of social life you describe. My parents did not, but had one very close set of friends who were at our house constantly. I have a lot of friends, and I work hard to see them in person, but they don’t live in my neighborhood and it’s not the anytime hangout vibe my grandparents had. I think my kids know that I spend a lot of time with friends, but they often don’t actually see my friends. That feels like a loss to me — seeing my parents with their friends over the years taught me something about maintaining long-term friendships, and it increased the number of adults in my life I knew well enough to call in when I was in a jam. I worry that my kids don’t really know a lot of adults well outside of their parents. We do have people over, but it doesn’t feel like life is set up to have people actually in our house as often as either my parents or grandparents.
My parents never had friends and I’ve worked hard to not be like them. It’s a rare weekend that we’re not out and about with friends and all our kids.
But no one randomly stops by. I think that’s a cultural shift. People can’t even pick up the phone without feeling like they’re interrupting, they’re certainly not going to show up on your doorstep. The only people that come by unannounced are neighbors dropping off a misdelivered package, and half the time they just drop it off without ringing the doorbell (because they don’t want to wake the baby — they’re very nice people).
so my parents did not have this, but they went out every saturday night with another couple. like my whole life. DH and I feel like we have to beg other couples to go out to dinner with us or something without their kids. we also have elementary age kids. my mom was in a book club, but actually didn’t do many girls nights and my dad has a ton of friends, but definitely didnt have weekly socialization – but he is unusually good at staying in touch with people, especially for a male, who spent a lot of his life pre-cell phones and when it cost more $ to make a long distance call. he has a friend he made in elementary school who lives in another country who he is still in touch with.
I think that standing group events like that were the norm in pre-cell phone/internet society because scheduling get together was logistically harder. And there wasn’t as much entertainment at home – why go to a craft night when you can craft at home with a podcast whenever you want? Pre internet, knitting at home alone was gonna be a lot more boring than doing it with friends and swapping stories. There are still people who prefer the people aspect but most of us prefer the ease and convenience of being at home now that home has plenty of variety via internet.
No that’s not true. It’s not difficult scheduling plans using only an “old fashioned” land line phone. People these days are just more eager to stay home, stare at their phone, or be alone. It is sad, and sign of the decline of society.
How were you when you were in college? Did you enjoy a dorm and a roommate and friends of friends? I feel that ever since, I am trying to re-create that: walkable spaces, etc. I didn’t have couches at one point, which meant I could have a LOT of people over for drinks but not a few people just for hanging out (I did get couches within that first year). I like having neighbors. Not sure I could do a roommate again, but would be open to a Golden Girls situation later on.
There’s a geographic component to this type of friendship. You need to live in easy proximity to have impromptu get-togethers. DH and I used to have a pretty large friend group in our neighborhood (and even in our building) that was great for that, but everyone moved away in 2020-2021. We’re cultivating it anew, but it takes time. On Saturday, my 5-minute walk to the farmer’s market took 45 because I ran into 5 friendly neighbors.
I want more friends but if I’m honest, it’s very rare for me to enjoy the time with them as much as I enjoy being alone or with my own family. What helps a ton is doing stuff outside (skiing) – that is so much more fun with another person. But things like “hanging out in the backyard” are just more fun with my own family. I’m trying to find a balance.
This is probably at least two generations removed from you, but back in my parents’ day they were all involved in churches and service clubs, and that’s how they made friends. Service clubs are still around and if you’re looking for a way to meet people, I highly recomment it. I met my husband and most of my friends at my Rotary Club, and we are getting more younger members now and it’s been great. If you see one another at a lunch meeting every week, and also service projects and social events, it becomes a lot easier to ask somebody over for coffee or to meet for dinner.
Similarly, I’ve also met some very good friends at the gym — same idea, we’re at the same class every week or every few days, and it was easy to extend the relationship beyond the gym. Now that I’m retired, I’m taking classes and meeting people there.
This, this, this (although I will note that churches are also still around!) I think of the poster above who talked about the difficulty of finding (and keeping) a “best friend”, but a lot of the social interaction people are missing is not of the BFF variety.
We went through a period where people seemed allergic to joining a group or committing to an activity, but the pendulum seems to be swinging.
People are giving you anecdotal responses to what I think is partly a demographic question. (Which does not make the variation between individuals and communities insignificant!)
On a population level, there is a significant difference between Millennials (and younger) and Boomers with respect to the number of friends they have, the amount of time they spend with their friends, the amount of time they spend on things like volunteering and group activities (like the aforementioned bowling). I do not personally think that is particularly healthy for individuals and society but also do not see an easy solution.
It seems like a vicious cycle too. A lot of college educated millennials in my life seem divided by politics, subcultures, substances, and parenting philosophies, maybe beyond the point of finding common ground again!
But the easy solution to try would be a shorter work week.
I’m happy that people can have their subcultures and niches and groups of like-minded people, but it’s surprising to me when people can’t see the benefit of at least exchanging pleasantries with neighbors. Do I like all of my neighbors? No. Do I chat and wave, on the off chance we might need one another and/or want to hang out? Yes.
Be in touch in case we need one another, yes. Hang out… generally I want more social distance when there’s so little physical distance!
I agree that on the whole there’s a difference between generations but I think most of that is due to geography, work life balance, and the modern demands of parenting rather than individual preferences. It’s hard to sign up for a bowling league or volunteering schedule when your weekdays are so variable. That leaves a limited number of hours on the weekend. If you have to choose between seeing a different friend each weekend or going to the food pantry every Saturday I understand why millennials pick the former.
I’m a tail-end GenX and my spouse is a solid GenX. We don’t get that many drop-ins but we do socialize pretty frequently. I went to a lecture with a friend from church yesterday, my spouse has book club this week, I have two Girl Scout meetings, etc. We work longer hours than our parents did at the same age and the expectations about parental involvement, even with older kids, are a LOT higher (I know people who attend not only every game but every practice for their high schoolers). We’re probably above-average socializers for our friend group.
Millenials are the ones with little kids now, and entertaining with little kids is hard/a big commitment. I don’t fault anyone for not wanting to be social (I’m an introvert who works hard to be social). That said, I do sometimes feel judged for inviting someone over and they seem surprised that our house isn’t freshly renovated (it’s clean) and some of our furniture is from IKEA. Or that we let the kids’ friends come over even though the house is super small. Whatever, I’m through trying to figure out why people are a-holes.
I was visiting family this weekend and their lives are like what you describe! Granted it is a small town/rural area, but people calling unplanned to chat, dropping by unannounced — all happen frequently. And it’s not a walkable area! I think some of it is driven by a more reciprocal community culture. Sharon drops off extra eggs from her backyard coop, Gary plows her driveway when he can, Fred helps Gary troubleshoot his lawn mower. I think part of that is driven by a community where things aren’t available on speed dial always, but also a mindset of sharing excess.
That kind of communal network takes time to build and maintain though! A lot of people don’t want to prioritize it, so they don’t have it. I do think that GenX/Millenials being so much more able/encouraged to move (which is wonderful!) also creates challenges in building that deep/broad group from scratch, vs. staying in the same general area through adulthood.
Yes, this is much more how the people I know who stayed local live (whether they skipped college or attended locally).
Just a counterpoint that I could easily count on one hand the number of times my parents saw friends in a year when we were growing up, and always as a couple, whereas I’m middle aged and have a lot of friends/social communities. I wouldn’t put it as strictly generational and instead personality-based.
This is a great question and I was thinking about this same topic over the weekend. My parents regularly were over with friends or had them at our house. I remember my mom being in a monthly bunco rotation and being sooo excited to help her ready the house when it was our night to host. They were also in a weekly bowling league with other couples and one of the older girl daughters babysit us.
My .02 on this – I think in their generation people didn’t leave their hometown as much, so if they had close friends in HS they went to college in town, stayed close with those contacts, all kind of followed similar timelines on weddings and kids.
Phones changed this, there was no checking on someone to see if they could talk, they just simply called.
In our life, we have this, have very dear friends in town who are over weekly. We joined our neighborhood pool as a summer 3rd place and are building a friend group there. We’ve also organically ran into neighbors and have been told to stop by any time, luckily we see them at school functions and can grow relationships there.
This happens in my life and I’m a millennial (husband is elder millennial) so I don’t think it’s a generation thing. We are out multiple times a week either together or separately. We each do ladies night and guy’s nights. I’m also in two book clubs meeting every other month (these are basically book focused additional ladies nights). I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert but we’re both only children so we intentionally cultivated many friendships. It helps that we grew up in neighboring suburbs to where we live now so have many local friends of 20+ years and then added new friendships through our kids, sports, and synagogue. As an introvert, he definitely needs a little more time at home and so has no issue with us together out (or hosting) 2x a week but me adding a third outing without him some weeks. Our kids are part of some of these so it’s not like we’re leaving them every weekend night. We take turns hosting with several couples and invite the families over. We’ve also started going out more (dinners/dancing/adult only house parties) and doing house parties less in the last couple years since the kids are a bit older and do more grandparent sleepovers. This is all one of the main reasons I have never considered moving for a job. It would be nearly impossible to replicate the kind of social village I have. And I can’t imagine any job being worth that. I’m glad that we’re modeling adult friendships to our children. It wasn’t modeled to me at all growing up but was to my husband, his parents have incredible social lives to this day. Some of his closest friends are kids of his parents’ friends who he grew up with. Now the grandparents love babysitting together with their friends while we (the “kids”) hang out without our kids!
That’s great. There is data showing it’s generational though.
Fun pick. Chinti and Parker has a similar vibe.
I don’t dislike it, but would feel way too much like a lowkey Jayne Cobb or candy corn costume to wear it unironically.
Are there any comparable shirts to the “Ann Taylor Camp Shirt” from other brands? This has always been a stable in my wardrobe, but their sizes have changed and I feel like I am floating in this shirt now. I’ve sized down and it still doesn’t fit quite right.
everlane utility shirt in washable silk or madewill silk utility pocket button up shirt seem similar. I would check out banana republic/factory, they sometimes have similar options.
O
More to the point, you also aren’t entitled to any of this. A medical office can close abruptly for any number of reasons, including death(s) of the health care professionals. They can decide to stop taking your insurance. Their office manager can be convicted of embezzlement. I’ve had all of these happen to doctor and dentist offices I was a patient of. All of them were really bad days – for other people, not me. It’s not about you.
What are you talking about? Patients absolutely are entitled to their medical records. I lost medical records when a doctor passed away and there wasn’t any system for transferring records, and it absolutely was a problem for me even though I’m not the one who died.
The OP is referring to the fact that we lose our doctor when an office closes.
OP literally says you are not entitled to your own healthcare records and leans in on that nonsense with “It’s not about you.”
You may not be guaranteed immediate, ready access to them in an unforeseeable emergency situation, but there are laws and regulations that confirm you actually are entitled to them. That’s what we are scoffing at.
LOL at the idea that your healthcare is somehow not about you. Eff right off with that.
Good Lord if your medical care isn’t about you, I’d like to know what is.
This is a bonkers take, at every turn.
Don’t doctors have the same responsibility as lawyers not just to abandon their clients and hold onto their files?
Yes. My state’s medical board has guidance on transitioning patients if your practice is closing or if you just need to fire a patient (though of course that can’t happen smoothly if a solo practitioner dies). There are also obligations about storing medical records and allowing patients to maintain access to them for the time period required by the state–and those follow the practice, not just the physician, so a surviving spouse or relative has to deal with them as part of winding up the practice.
My primary care physician up and left the practice with no explanation and it was pretty upsetting. It felt personal even if it wasn’t. This was a man who I had trusted for years and it is not easy to find a new doctor.
Thank you to whomever mentioned seeing cracks in their walls last week and the follow-up commentary. I’ve noticed some in recent months and just thought it was shoddy painting or the walls needing to be repainted. Clearly I don’t know a lot about home maintenance.
Our next door neighbors recently sold their house and had a buyer back out due to foundation issues, and when I read some of the commentary around cracks being indicative of foundation issues it really got me thinking. We also have issues with doors sticking which is also a symptom from what I’ve read.
I did some research over the weekend and it appears my area (and especially older homes) are prone to foundation issues due to the level of rain and clay soil. My next step is finding someone to come out and evaluate, and determine if we need to just monitor or do more expensive remediation.
Really thankful to that poster!
Make sure you hire an actual structural engineer and not an outfit whose job is to sell foundation repairs. Not all foundation issues are major, and you want an objective person making those determinations.
Please post a follow up! Who do you even call for something like this?
a structural engineer
How do you find one?
Google? I just googled structural engineer and my (medium size) city and a bunch of names with reviews came up.
Thank you! I didn’t know if there was a special board to find them. I find it so intimidating to locate contractors!
Realtors are great for these kinds of questions. They know home inspectors, structural engineers, etc.
Good for you! My husband and father are both civil engineers by training, and they have taught me that clay soil is really problemmatic for foundations. When they were looking for a home in Ft Worth, my parents walked away from some houses due to foundation concerns based just on cracks in the walls. I think the house they ended up buying was in pretty good shape, but even so, they still had to have some foundation work done after living there for 10+ years. So even if this is an area where you have a lot of expertise, you can still end up with problems if your soil is troublesome.
I posted before but cracks may also be caused by water intrusion. Check that out and don’t assume it’s structural. That causes a lot of damage if left unattended to.
Any hotel/resort recommendations for a spring break hotel within an hour or so of Ft. Myers airport? Family of 4, two daughters elementary age. Thanks!
My in-laws have a condo near La Playa in north Naples and it’s popular with young families.
If your org hires interns, who is in charge of the day-to-day supervision? We have a program for them to get trained on how the org operates, but the real daily work and training is left to each team. Also curious whether your interns primarily work with everyone on a team, or just one main person. I feel like our process isn’t working as well as it could.
The team is responsible for all management and supervision outside of some minimal HR and payroll support
Supervisor of the group the intern is assigned to is their supervisor. There is also a larger intern HR specific HR structure that handles general company training and organizes official intern events.
Generally there is a project or task in mind for the intern before they start, so whoever’s subgroup that project falls into is their unofficial mentor and helps them with the day-to-day work. The rest of the team is encouraged to interact with the intern and include them on meetings they might find interesting.
This
It’s a good opportunity for an individual contributor to get management experience so we give it to them to help build their skill sets.
+1
We treat it as “newer employee’s first management experience.” This leads to a wide variety of quality for our internships/students, but nothing has ever gone dramatically off the rails. Just some people making mentoring missteps and I think that’s just life.
After years of working with both interns and junior employees, I’ve come to the conclusion that this approach does not serve the interns or the inexperienced supervisors well. Creating an intern experience that benefits both the intern and the employer is difficult and labor-intensive, and best done by midlevel or higher supervisors with a substantial amount of experience.
And we don’t have time to do it well, unfortunately.
Respectfully I disagree with you and also have decades of work behind me. If you’re thoughtful about who gets the management experience, this model works well.
Previous org handled this really well with their internship program. You’d take a strong performer who wasn’t yet managing but you wanted to give management experience to and task them with managing an intern. They each had to write up a proposal for a ‘project’ the intern would be assisting with and then interns were encouraged to find something they were interested in and do a deep dive on the topic. Additionally, we had interns do kind of rote office things and sit in on meetings.
The team lead was expected to check in with both the supervising staffer and the intern regularly, but overall we had a lot of strong managers and interns come out of that program.
I agree that this is an ideal scenario. This has given me a few things to think about.
I work at a nonprofit, and we hire full-time interns who work for 9 months at a time. Each has a dedicated manager and works within a specific department. There is also a manager of the intern program who supports the intern managers in their supervision and does some basic org-wide onboarding. We also have weekly seminars for the interns as a group where they learn about work done in different departments. These seminars are led by Director-level staff. Interns generally work with a range of people in their departments, but that’s inevitable as we’re not that big; we have about 70 full-time staff.
In my old dysfunctional office, literally no one. Our boss would bring in some poor unsuspecting law student, they would show up and no one knew what to do with them. Depending on my schedule, I would sometimes give them baby projects and try to mentor as did a few other lawyers. But there were times when no one supervised them or provided any experience. If you are that kind of boss, stop it!
Hi ladies – the bf and I are looking for a romantic winter getaway in February for a long weekend and could use some advice. We’re picturing a cute cabin with a fireplace, pretty views, and a nearby town that has some interesting restaurants for meals and some shops to stroll through. We’ve already done Asheville, NC and the Blue Ridge Mountains, so would prefer something new. We’re coming from Houston, so looking for a direct flight plus up to a 2 hour drive somewhere. We were initially considering the Catskills in upstate NY, but got nervous about getting snowed in or it being too miserably cold to enjoy the towns. Now we’re thinking maybe Leavenworth, WA or somewhere in CO, so any advice would be appreciated!
Eastern shore of MD (St Michael’s, Easton, Chestertown) or near Annapolis? Cute towns / small city, and you could find a place on the water for your views. It won’t be bitterly cold, but it will feel cold coming from Texas. Fly into DCA.
Devils Thumb Ranch in CO – it’s about 2 hours from the Denver airport, and you can be all cute-cabin-sleigh ride or enjoy the xc ski / snowshoe trails for activity. The towns nearby aren’t as picturesque as New England ski villages, though.
This place must be great since it’s sold out all of February! But I’ll keep it on my list for the future.
Devil’s Thumb Ranch in Colorado
Try Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz, NY
https://www.mohonk.com/?nck=gbetri&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=brand+tri+state&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=602047811&gbraid=0AAAAADuKXbQHkuLXgI4SIMtFq0U58xag0&gclid=Cj0KCQiA1JLLBhCDARIsAAVfy7gdsROFT2RCpOJNq544b1NzFCiAQzWE1QuyOKNMVbzJJ7TBb8cygz4aApzcEALw_wcB
OP – This hotel is on my dream list, but I’ve decided that if I’m going to spend $1200/night, I’d rather go in fall than winter. I’m hoping I can finally make it happen this fall!
Yea I only went once during covid when prices were very low.
I’d be less enthusiastic about the snow and would head to Napa/Sonoma or Carmel in CA. Napa/Sonoma is about an hour from SFO, Carmel a little longer. All less likely to be impacted by weather and a pleasant drive to all those places to make up for the slightly longer flight.
Carmel is pushing it for two hours from SFO – it’s about 2 hours on the dot without traffic and there’s always traffic. I’d do Park City.
Yes, but it’s worth it
Agreed! Carneros Resort in Napa has freestanding cottages with private outdoor space.
Near Asheville: Brevard is perfect for this. Cute walkable downtown.
Santa Fe
Check road conditions before committing to Leavenworth. Hwy 2 had major flooding recently and parts of the road may not be open or functioning at normal capacity yet.
are these mushroom coffees (mudwater, rise) snake oil and hooey or do they work? i keep seeing adds for them….
Mostly hooey and some can destroy your liver. There’s been a huge increase in liver damage attributable to supplements over the past decade or so.
Are you saying these are regulated as supplements and not as food?
What do you mean by “work” here?
Personally, I’m not opposed to alternate forms of caffeine delivery or general warm beverage options, but I’d opt for something like tea rather than potentially dangerous woo like mushroom drinks.
Unless you mean camellia sinensis specifically, I wouldn’t feel any safer with other teas.
A cuppa generic earl grey, green tea, or seasonal Bigelow blend isn’t exactly untested weirdness in a mug the way some rando mushroom infusion is. But I also don’t know people who talk about those things “working.”
There are tons of herbal tisanes of questionable safety and origin out there.
Paging weekend D1 Water Polo player (on the post about Lafayette).
HI! My daughter is being scouted for D1 water polo and we are totally overwhelmed. She is only 15 and in grade 10 but and we are Canadian so this isn’t common for us. Given the new rules and vastly increased ability to offer the whole roster scholarships we don’t want to screw up her chances….but we are screening for a foreign posting right now and need to ensure we consider all the options. I had an idea at some point I would ask here about anyone with water polo D1 experience but since you posted I am wondering if you would be willing to chat via email. Can provide you an email. Thanks!!
I think you should have your daughter look at it more holistically and what she wants out of life. A friend of mine went to the states to play D1 Baseball, he got into McGill but opted to get a very sub-par American education, and now as 30 something’s he’s having real career struggles.
D1 scholarship athletes are there to work for the school, not to get an education. If water polo is her #1 priority in life, that works. If she wants a solid education and a career afterwards, particularly if she has her sights on graduate or professional school, the demands of being a D1 scholarship athlete will get in the way.
Yes, my nephew is a D1 athlete in a major sport, and it is basically his 60 hour a week job, with some classes thrown in when they fit.
And my nephew was one for a year and quit because he absolutely hated it. He said it kind of ruined his love for the sport.
Is this true in water polo though? It’s not exactly like college football.
I think its true for all D1 sports. The major conferences are very geographically spread out now so travel for away games is a huge time sink. There’s also daily workouts, practice, physical therapy, team meetings, plus the actual games. Most of the D1 athletes in my college were in “easy” business majors. I knew maybe 2 who pursued science or engineering and they had to really commit to studying every spare moment they had.
Yes, it is. Water polo is a tough sport even at lower levels. The women who play are tough and it takes pretty serious training to play period.
Yeah it’s true for all D1 sports. Honestly even at my fancy private college which was D3 in most sports, being an athlete was a full time job and they had far less time for academics (and fun) than regular kids. It’s not what I’d want for my kid unless it was the only way they could go to college.
Decades ago, I had a full ride for swimming at a D1 school. This was long before NIL money and all that goes with it. For those four years, swimming was more than a full-time job and school was a side thought. The scholarship was the only way I could go to college without massive loans, which I was not willing to take out. I don’t regret my choice but if I could have afforded it any other way, I would have just been a student.
Are you eligible for need-based financial aid? If so, consider that going to a school like Harvard is far and away the best bet: water polo gets her in the door, Harvard picks up the tab based on meeting all demonstrated financial need, and she graduates from Harvard.
Chasing the sports scholarship isn’t always the best way to get money. Schools that meet all demonstrated need can be just as generous, and she gets a top-flight name out of it.
Teddy is an absolutely fantastic coach too–the Harvard program is excellent for waterpolo. He’s a product of the Stanford-area and Stanford Club, since childhood.
i work in higher ed and if i had any say in the matter, i would not let my child play anything more than a club sport in college, if that. it’s like a full time job
Agree. You have to really, really love the sport and make it your first priority in life. This remains true for non-revenue sports like water polo.
Agreed. It’s a huge time commitment even in D3 let alone D1.
Interesting! I actually know another Canadian family through my workplace whose son attended Lafayette on a D1 sports scholarship. Lafayette may have a bit of a pipeline in Canada, it seems. If that’s the case, ask the school if you can speak to any other Canadian families who have a kid attending on an athletic scholarship? Those parents may be able to help.
Thanks everyone. This all tracks with what we already know. she has some teammates who have already been through it. Her only priority right now is water polo in the sense that she wants to be competitive for the ’32 Olympics which she is on the right track for. She is already on the National Team and the Development Team and does a High Performance Athlete program which has her leave school two days a week at lunch for five hour training sessions. She trains roughly 35 hours a week now. She is in good shape for schools here, in Canada and abroad where she could study and maintain her momentum for ’32 but the quality of the water polo is vastly superior at the various D1 schools. She would be happy to secure her languages as she wants to be a modern languages major and already has English, French, and Spanish. if the Olympics are her dream, I am happy for her to prioritize that while getting a degree in langues and once that dream is over (one way or the other), she can consider what else she wants to do with her life. We are leaning towards a boarding school in Italy for next year (we are slated to move to the Baltics) where she she will have an amazing experience but may sacrifice some of the water polo momentum and then we will consider whether she finishes out high school there or proceeds immediately to a specialized water polo school in Barcelona that helps with the D1 recruitment. She can also do a gap year there. It feels very young but I just want to make sure we contemplating all the relevant considerations and not closing doors. A lot will depend on whether she makes the World’s roster for this summer. We will go from there.
oh my
If she’s at that level then isn’t it a question of whether D1 water polo will provide the necessary training? She can go to college after the Olympics.
yeah seeing this context that’s my reaction too.
I mean, having an actual shot at a professional or Olympic sports career is probably the only situation where playing D1 sports makes long-run sense, unless you need the scholarship money.
The Canadian Olympic financial support is nothing, do you intend to finance her life for the next 6 years minimum?
Yes. She is 15, so I would expect that regardless of water polo. It actually gets cheaper at the higher levels. We spent over 30k last year.
Generally, Olympic hopefuls in Canada take one of three routes: 1) do mostly training in Canada and not much else, maybe school or work on the fringes (but it’s hard because the country is huge geographically and small in population and it’s hard to get the quality of play sufficient to maintain the training -for instance, her team beat every single university in Ontario other than U of T by more than 10 points when she was 13); 2) Play pro in Europe, mostly Spain for women (this is where she would potentially go to the specialized school); 3) play D1 but it can be hard to get the timing right and to balance. In her case, it might work as she can do a four year degree just before the Olympics or at least start. We have been counseled by a couple of people who stayed in Canada as hopefuls to chase the D1 as it would have improved their chances and been a better experience. Water Polo (and all sports) aren’t funded at all in Canada and are very expensive to manage so at least with D1, you have it covered. Anyway, it’s somewhat premature but something I am actively contemplating as we plan to move five kids to Europe for three years!
I should also mention that it is the exception to make the Canadian Olympic team at 22. There were only a couple of players that young and one who was about 25, the rest of the roster was 28-33.
Hi–I don’t know if I was involved in this thread, but I played DI at Stanford. I am many years out (the coach is still the same). My teammates from NYAC pr Stanford are the head coaches at Santa Barbara, Cal, and UCLA and the assistant at Stanford.
I can absolutely say that we practiced a lot, and many of my teammates are Olympians (in some cases, multiple medals). However, we all went to class, and many of my teammates are doctors, lawyers, businesspeople etc. At Stanford, there are teams that are full of jocks with lower academic expectations, but our team wasn’t one of them.
If your daughter is already doing aquatic sports at the varsity-esque level (not sure what it’s called in Canada), it’s not that much more in college. I’ll post a burner email later.
Thank you so much, just read this all to her aloud. Would very much appreciate touching base.
if you would prefer to have my burner it’s: rudderfinck@yahoo.com
hi, for those who have done thistle– i just got a notice that my first order is sitting outside my door and i will not be home until 11 tonight. is it sufficiently insulated that it can be in my house at room temperature until then? cleaning lady brought it in when she arrived and has since left…
op here sorry what i wrote is confusing, i got the message that it was arrived, touched base with cleaning lady who was at house and she has already left and brought it in.
It’s probably fine, those services insulate food to stay cold on a delivery truck all day.
Probably. I ordered it once about a month ago, and I seem to recall that I put the ice packs in my sink to defrost overnight and they were still partially frozen in the morning.
It should come with ice packs in an insulated (foil-lined) reusable shopping bag. Probably depends on what you ordered but if it’s all vegan I wouldn’t be too concerned.
I don’t know about Thistle, but I’ve had ice cream delivered under similar circumstances, and it was completely fine after 8 or 9 hours on my front porch. It was December, but SEUS, so temps were probably in the 40s.
I was so confused until I read some responses; I thought “thistle” was like a drug or something
Yes, it’ll be fine.
Hello Fresh is designed to be delayed for a day and still edible; I imagine that thistle is the same.
It’s not; it’s delivered by courier not a delivery service.
OP, I would just make the judgment call when you open the package tonight. In my experience, Thistle is less aggressively cooled than other meal kits because they don’t want to freeze the lettuce in the salads. It will stay cool for some time, though, so you’ll just have to evaluate when you get home.
For those of you in states with wildfire risk, how do you plan and take it into account during searching for a residential property? Do you have a risk website that you reference or are there certain features you avoid? We live in California and would like to transition from renting to buying but I’m seeing a lot of local warnings about wildfire risk in some of the few neighborhoods that have smaller, older homes that we can afford. They don’t have a significant fire history but they definitely have future risk. One thing I know is that I definitely would never buy in an area that has only one exit route. What else should I be consider?
Hills and mountains are generally riskier, as is anywhere in the wildland-urban interface.
Your neighbors play a big role too—the more steps your neighbors take to mitigate risk, the better for you. You can also make your neighbors safer.
I prioritized a smaller house in a small city in the Bay Area, rather than something bigger farther out. If I couldn’t have gotten a small house in the city, I would have looked for a townhouse or condo before looking farther out.
Same. My in-laws wanted us to get a huge house on the outskirts of LA and we bought a small house in West LA instead. They have finally stopped thinking we live in the center of urban crime and 20 years on, our house has appreciated a LOT, more than their “custom-built” barn in Lancaster ever appreciated.
A lot of the westside is prime fire country.
Check with insurance too, some areas are finding difficulty in getting coverage at all
This is your best bet to manage risk. Be sure that at least two of the big carriers will write a new policy in your area.
Honestly, the exit route issue is overblown. The number of people who are unable to safely evacuate is tiny (just be sure that you are ready to leave, which means planning in advance for what you want to take and making sure you can get to it).
Look at the house: No wood roofs, landscaping/flammable material at least five feet from the structure (that includes decks and fences), make sure your vents are screened, etc. Ask your home inspector to identify any problematic issues with the construction and consider negotiating a price reduction to cover the cost of fixing them. Also google AB38. You do not want to get hit with a surprise bill for compliance.
Stucco or brick exterior, and a tile roof. Look for homes with a “Spanish” vibe and you’ll get something more fire-proof than its neighbors. Keep your landscaping less bushy, and make sure it’s well watered. No shrubs next to the house. A wide lawn is a fire break.
Frankly, I think there is an advantage to being in the middle of the sprawl in CA as opposed to being on the edge of the sprawl. I like city living, but I’m even less inclined post-fire to consider buying in a rural area or an area close to a large wilderness area / state park / national forest, etc.
OP here and it’s tricky – chances are that a large wildfire won’t affect me in 20-30 years in a house at the edge of the open space and I will get so much more enjoyment out of living close to nature than I would in the middle of the concrete jungle. It could be 30 years of peace and happiness. However, if an incident DOES happen, it could be catastrophic.
I grew up in LA and understand this calculus. It’s not just about being on the edge of open space, either. In the Valley where I grew up, there were pockets of wildfire-prone open land in the middle of the concrete jungle. Our backyard in a very dense neighborhood had a steep brush-covered hill that burned nearly all the way down to the house in one large fire. There are many hilly neighborhoods that are both densely packed with people and full of brush, just because of the geography.
a friend just posted about this — I was intrigued about how you can landscape to help prevent fires. i don’t live in the area but maybe a tool for you to learn more?
https://oaklandfiresafecouncil.org/events/firewise-landscaping-webinar/
I don’t like our house, DH loves the house and wants it to be our forever home. We both love the area, our neighbors, and our yard, and we’re in a top 10 school district in our state.
Things I don’t like about the house: low ceilings (8 foot), tiny primary bath, cramped primary closet, and my office is small. I miss my high ceilings and beautiful master suite with a garden tub and a lovely closet. I really, really miss my tub. I refuse to live the rest of my life like this. If I’m going to stay in the house, I’d take off the roof and add a second story, put bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, and take over the existing bedrooms to expand the master and maybe office. I spoke to a GC and he says it’s doable, pending engineering review.
Walk me through thinking about doing a major renovation on the current house ($200k-$300k?). How would we pay for this? There probably isn’t enough equity in the house to cover the reno cost. Do I need some sort of construction loan? Are those rates typically higher or lower than mortgage rates?
Are you sure you want to go through the headache and expense just to get a larger office? An office is one area where it seems perfectly OK for it to be small. These sound like potentially very expensive renovations for smaller-benefit gains, but if you think it’s really worth it to you, then I’d explore HELOC.
That budget is probably on the low end. We did a similar one 5 years ago and it was $250K. We’d saved up for this and so didn’t pursue financing.
I feel the same way about our house for the same reasons, except it also only has one bathroom. For us, renovating so far has seemed like it would be costlier than potentially moving within the neighborhood. But if moving someday will be the answer, I wonder if we should at least finish the attic and add a second bath since it would make things better now and future buyers will want that too. But I know from having lived it before that life would be better with high ceilings and real closets!
Talk to someone with expertise in real estate for your area. You need to understand how much the house would be appraised for post renovation and how it would fit into the neighborhood. The issue is if the cost of the renovation will be covered by the increase in value plus your current equity to get financing for the renovation. I will add that most of my friends who have contemplated a second story addition have decided not to unless there is some idiosyncratic value to their current location (schools, proximity to family, low to no inventory in area, etc.) that prevents them from moving. Others have decided it is easier to knock down the whole house and build a new one on the same lot, than add a second story.
Yeah, people in original tract houses in my area knock down and rebuild. They were not built to current code, and weren’t built to support more than a single story.
You say your spouse loves the house. Is he on board with renovating?
Well he’d rather do nothing because he doesn’t share my complaints about the house. But he’d rather renovate than move. I’d rather move than renovate. So, renovate is the middle ground between do nothing and move.
Ymmv but I’ve never seen anyone, ever rip the roof off of a house and add ceiling height and have it look right. If you like the look and feel please disregard. But it’s not like adding a modest dormer or small extension. It always feels off. You might consider a full teardown. Not sure if it affects resale and value vis a vis similarly sized homes but I personally avoid looking at homes that have been renovated like that.
+1
I’m with your husband – to me tall ceilings make the house echoey and harder to keep the right temperature. Adding that to a house that wasn’t designed that way is probably going to be ugly too. I don’t think you’re gonna be able to renovate your way out of this one.
There’s a huge difference between a 10-12 foot ceiling and a double height ceiling. You won’t have an echo or HVAC issues at 10-12 feet.
But renovating seems like the worst of both worlds. It will cost more than you expect, you have to live through the renovation and devote a lot of time to supervising, and you’ll probably end up with a frankenhouse given the changes you’re talking about. You’re better off buying a new house with the functional features you need (larger master bath and closet) and some of the qualities DH likes in your current home.
Maybe it’s the area, but I’ve seen a ton and they can be bad or great, it depends on what the owner chose to do and how well designed it is. Some people sacrifice aesthetics for cost, or hire a bad architect, but plenty of people have beautiful results. It is relatively popular where I bought my house chop off the roof and build up. I don’t think it’s a bad investment or a weird thing to do.
This seems like a really bad way to blow a ton of money.
Agreed. Make some internal renovations (bigger closet, expand the bathroom) and then learn to live with the rest. Or move. But this renovation idea is not, in my opinion, a good idea at all — your budget seems too low; multiplying loans to afford it is just bad financial practice; etc.
Can you and your husband afford the renovation?
Yeah, the context makes it sound like this is not something they budgeted for. I honestly feel bad for the spouse with OP saying “I refuse to live the rest of my life like this” based on her house having standard height ceilings.
Adding a second story is going to be more like $500k.
I have seen this done a lot– the most recent season of “This Old House” is about someone doing a renovation like this.
Agree that your budget is low. Most people take out a construction loan based on equity in the house. Part of why so many people in my city do this is that it’s not uncommon for a family to have bought a starter house for $200-300k 8 years ago that is now work $800k, but the houses that are the next level up in their neighborhood may start at $1.5 m. So, YMMV on how the financing works where you are. In my city, the financing typically ends up cheaper than buying a bigger house.
I have had some friends say they are going to do this to avoid moving, when in reality, a reno like this means moving twice– once in and once out of the house.
Any reno like this is probably going to end up 20-30% more than what you are quoted.
Get a grip. Eight foot ceilings are not something that make you say “I refuse to live life like this.” Get over yourself and live in your perfectly nice house and be grateful for it.
Paging Laura from Friday.
Hi, sorry I saw your message late. Thanks for reaching out, my burner email is greenteamasalachai (no spaces) at gmail.
What’s your favorite athleisure for WFH? Bonus if size inclusive. I’m mid/plus size on the bottom and need a refresh for 2026!
spanx
Spanx really went full circle, from compression garments to athleisure. Wow.
AYR High Hope pants. It’s what we used to call a yoga pant, notwithstanding that they show it styled with pumps and a little cardigan. To me, in real life, it strongly reads athleisure, emphasis on “leisure.” (I wouldn’t work out in them.) I wear them with all of my athleisure tops and whatever we’re calling fashion sneakers these days.
I’m plus size, and I wear a lot of Talbots, Vineyard Vines, and Old Navy athleisure.
Marika and Talbots.
This year’s WFH pants for me ended up being the Eddie Bauer “Trail Tight High-rise Straight Leg Pants.” Comes in regular, petite, tall, and plus, and they’re presentable enough to go for a walk or run errands in, too.
Lululemon, Vuori, and I got some great cozy sweatpants from Comfrt (off camera)
+1 to spanx airsense – i just wish they had pockets
love my frank & eileen sweatshirt but wish it cost as much as the dupe i got on amazon
i’ve been eyeing those sweatpant jeans
I have been on some form of birth control for 20 years, other than when I was trying to get pregnant/was pregnant, so maybe like a 2 year period when I wasn’t, or maybe even less. DH is getting a vasectomy and I will be due for a new IUD and I am considering not getting one. I will obviously talk to my doctor about this, but does anyone have any experience with this? things I should be considering?
I lost all the IUD weight without any diet or lifestyle changes within 6 months of ditching the IUD.
it never occurred to me that the IUD lead to weight gain or that taking it out would help with weight loss. i got the IUD at my ~7 weeks postpartum appointment after having my twins. i was one of the ‘lucky’ ones who lost the baby weight super easily and actually weighed less one year post partum than i did before getting pregnant…but with the death of a parent and covid, and aging (i’m now 40) i gained weight.
My husband got a vasectomy last year and I stayed on my normal birth control until he was fully “cleared” a few months after his appointment. Once he was cleared I stopped taking birth control (I was on the pill). Speak with your OB, if you remove the IUD it might be worth it to get a back up form of birth control the 12 weeks (I think? I can’t recall!) waiting period to see if the vasectomy “took”.
I still have an IUD with DH’s vasectomy, because I didn’t want periods (that gamble worked well for me). I never ever want kids or to be pregnant, so a belt-and-suspenders approach worked well for me, if I ever have another partner (whether chosen or not). TBD on whether I’ll replace my IUD when it’s “up” in 2 years, or get my tubes tied, which I tried to do the first time but the doctor was not supportive and I didn’t have the will to fight back or get a second opinion.
is it a mirena? have you had much of a period on it? i would keep mine even if getting pregnant was not an issue. love not having a period.
This is where I have landed too.
i still get a period on it. it is maybe shorter than my periods used to be, but very heavy for the first ~48 hours. i actually dont mind getting a period bc then i at least know im not pregnant as i know of people who’ve gotten pregnant on an IUD
Where are you in your perimenopause journey? My doctor said that replacing the Mirena would likely help ease transition from the low level of hormones. I think this is increasingly common for ladies in their 40s as a few friends are doing the same things.
This is a good point. Maintaining some sort of hormone supplement seems to go a long way in easing perimenopause to menopause.
I went back on low-dose BCPs once my periods became weird in perimenopause. IDK if an IUD rules that out or gets you around that, but managing periods became my #1 concern as I aged and it also meant I didn’t have any peri- or menopausal side effects like hot flashes or night sweats.
^^^I am 46, and just restarted BCP for these reasons.
Yes, my nephew is a D1 athlete in a major sport, and it is basically his 60 hour a week job, with some classes thrown in when they fit.
NCAA rules prohibit more than 25 hours of practice a week. This does not include things like training room time, commute time to practice/matches and unsanctioned team activities like dinners or parties. It does become closer to 60 hrs a week when you factor that in.