Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Trench Dress in Stretch Crepe
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m absolutely swooning over this trench dress from Argent. If you love the look of a crisp trench coat in the fall, this dress is going to be calling your name. The belt closure lets you adjust it to your ideal silhouette if you’d like to wear it as a dress, or you can leave it unbuttoned and wear it as a long duster.
The dress is $575 at Argent and comes in sizes XS-XL.
A couple of more affordable options come from Ann Taylor ($159, straight & petite sizes) and Boss (on sale for $240, lucky sizes only).
Sales of note for 7/15/25:
- Nordstrom – The Anniversary Sale is open for everyone — here's our roundup!
- Ann Taylor – Semiannual sale, extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything + extra 50% off clearance
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear with code
- Eloquii – Limited time, 100s of styles starting at $9
- J.Crew – End of season cashmere sale, take 40% off select cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – All-Star Sale, 40-70% off entire site and storewide and extra 60% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off seasonal faves, plus new penny loafers and slingbacks
- Spanx – End of season sale
- Talbots – All markdowns, buy 2 get 1 free, on TOP of an extra 40% off (last day is 7/15)
For those of you with elementary aged kids, how often do they see their friends outside of school/camp? My daughter wants to do something with friends at least every week, but by the weekend I’m so fried that I have zero desire to have other kids over. Parenting an extroverted child as an introvert is tough.
that is 100% normal. But how involved do you need to be? Are the kids not old enough to play independently and you’re just popping over to supply a snack at some point?
I think it’s more that if one kids does it, the other (5) will want it, which requires a lot more supervision. I also hate feeling like I need to clean and straighten my house for strangers (I know this is a me issue)
I read this as 5 other kids but I think you mean your younger child is a 5 year old. (Right? Hopefully, lol)
How old is your older kid? It might be tough if they’re only 7 or so but I think if they’re like 9 or 10 you can have different rules about how much they get to see their friends.
I am with you. Having anyone over, even a kid, is super stressful because our house is small and not very nice and has an open floor plan. It takes a whole day to get it clean, so Saturdays are out for company. I hate having to be “on” and to stay out of the way but also keep an ear out and be available. I would much rather meet up with another family at the park or the zoo or the pool.
You absolutely do not need to clean your house for some kids!
We do a 5 min tidy and a 5 min clean of the bathroom before hosting a playdate and call it a day — parents can drop off and see our absolute chaos of stuff out. If they have a big problem with a messy house for an informal playdate they’re probably not a great fit for our family.
I disagree. A messy and/or dirty house makes people feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, especially little kids.
Whaaat…? Little kids are monitoring cleanliness? That is not normal. Your expectations are not normal.
I have a 9 year old girl and have yet to meet a kid who cares about cleanliness, especially tidiness. If you had like leftover food attracting bugs or something, maybe kids would think it’s gross (although plenty of kids, especially boys, would probably love it). But no kid is judging untidiness.
my best friend’s house growing up was this magical place full of chotchkes and kids artwork and everything was cozily messy and her mom never was stressing over cleaning the house. Now I think it’s cluttered bordering on hoarder, but back then I loved it there.
I was absolutely intimidated by clutter and mess as a little kid.
You don’t need to clean your house for a kid’s play date and that anxiety is a terrible reason to not let go ur kid socialize
This. Don’t let your anxiety impact your child’s ability to play and socialize!!
FWIW, OP, I grew up in a house where if it was not pristine, no one could come over. We never had play dates. No one ever dropped in. It really, really took a toll.
I’m definitely not saying you need to have weekly playdates, but don’t let an identified “me issue” like this get in the way of your child having access to friends. If you are over scheduled or really just don’t want to host playdates for another reason, then fine. You have total control to draw those lines. But I will never forgive my mom and dad for their absolute psychotic obsession with having a pristine house (which also extended in to other areas of our life… this need for a * perfect * set of circumstances before engaging with anything or anyone…).
My child was urinary incontinent until age 12, so play dates at my home were out of the question because of the odour. However, I did not let Larry go to his friends’ homes for overnights for the same reason. I think I could have done a better job with the proper underwear when he visited other places, but once we found a good psychologist to help Larry, he stopped his night time urinations, and we did not give him liquids after 6:30 p.m. He is now a normal 19 year old at college, and even has a girlfriend, so we must have done something right.
This
Hi E113n
Frequently, but I’m not terribly involved. The kids just walk/bike to a friend’s house, or to a playground, or whatever. If they end up at my house, I usually offer a snack at some point, but mostly they entertain each other while I do my own thing.
Neighborhood friends? Every day in the summer, several days a week during the school year.
Friends where we have to drive? Probably at least once a week.
Township pool friends? Just about daily in the summer – they have swim team and swim lessons together and we coordinate with other families on when we’re going to the pool that day (we go probably 6 days a week in the summer) so the kids can play.
With some frequency, but I find it pretty low effort on my part. DD is 7, going in to 2nd, and they entertain themselves. It’s actually easier on me that she has someone to play with so that I can chill, get housework done, etc.
This. It’s way less work for me when my kids have friends over – less referring, less whining or complaining, and the same amount of basic monitoring (to ensure everyone is alive, not committing crimes, not doing anything that would lead to irreversible bodily harm – kidding but barely). The extra work is negligible (making an extra sandwich for lunch). This means I can get stuff done, workout, or read a book in peace :)
Also, a few of my friends’ kids are good friends with my kids so it’s often an excuse for me to hang with a friend.
I’m the opposite. I have three boys and can pretty much just let them tumble around the house and yard with minimal supervision. When we have a friend it always leads to arguing and crying. Not because of the friend himself, but because it interrupts the sibling dynamic, “friend likes brother more than me”, “brother won’t let me play” etc etc.
If we’re in a big group out at a park, they are fine. But having ONE friend seems to complicate things.
I have an only child, but when I was growing up if you had a friend over your siblings had to leave you and your friend alone.
I’m 9:14 and when I was growing up the rule was you had to be nice and include siblings, and I kind of see why now that I have multiple myself. The “leave alone” sounds good in theory and works if they are like in a bedroom or playing a board game, but I’m not going to ban my other kids from the common areas of the house and yard. Without a friend my boys all play sports together outside…should I tell the brothers they have to stay in because the friend is now playing? I think it’s especially complicated because my oldest are two years apart and because of sports they kind of know the same kids, friend ends up wanting to play with both, etc.
What I’ve been aiming for is splitting the play date half together/half 1:1 time…but that is more logistically difficult for me than having no friends! (Not to say that my convenience outweighs the benefits of play dates, but replying to the comment about it being easier)
We virtually never have play dates, but they do sports and rec summer camps so they see friends there. (We’ve had one play date for one kid all summer so far.)
It’s okay to prioritize your rest and say no. Maybe she can have a friend over every other weekend as a compromise.
That seems like a normal amount of time. Does it have to be in your home?
At least once a week but I have an extroverted only child, so we really make it a priority.
How old is your child? If over the age of 5-6, most play dates can be drop off and shouldn’t require much adult involvement.
My daughter attends on-site aftercare, so she sees 75% of her friend group every day until 5 pm. Given that, I feel like the girls actually need some breathing room, as that’s a lot of time together.
That said, I would not be compelled to have friends over on the weekdays after work even if she wasn’t in aftercare. Even on days we don’t have sports practice, it’s normally crunch time to eat, do homework, shower, and have a few minutes of family time.
Pretty often but it’s usually really low key. Like, hang at the school playground for a bit afterschool or if they have a shared activity we do a quick playdate after.
Pretty much every day. I am also an introvert who can only handle so much extroverted activity. Can they go to someone else’s house? (LOL, but seriously, it’s what saves my sanity. Happy to host a few times a week but that’s my limit.)
My 8-year old has a hang out with friends most weekends, and sometimes in the evenings during the week, but I’d say 50-60% of that is at someone else’s house. I invite to our house with the expectation that they’ll reciprocate soon. We are getting there with my 6-year old too, but they are a bit more work because they haven’t quite learned to play well together yet.
Every week is very normal; in fact, that feels low for the summer.
How often do you see your friends? I don’t think it’s fair if you’re game to see your friends but won’t let your kids host play dates…
FWIW My kid sees less of her friends (outside of camp) in summer. We travel a lot, her friends travel, and a lot of our school year socializing happens after school at the playground and is hard to replicate in the summer when kids scatter for camp. Plus camp is more like a play date than school is, so arranging separate play dates seems less necessary.
Everyday if my son had his way but realistically 2-3x a week and we rotate hosting and drop off. He’s 6 now so we actually just tell him, if he wants to have friends over, he needs to tidy up. it’s not perfect but it is motivating.
If you are in the DC area and have an hour a week to spare this place is looking for volunteers to help. https://www.theyoungcenter.org/accompany-a-child/become-a-child-advocate/ They provide training.
Don’t you know posting this obviously virtue signaling, and altruism isn’t real /s
No thank you.
I don’t know why people are being so negative. Thanks for posting.
Shopping advice please. I have some fancy occasions coming up and would like to get a nice watch to wear instead of my clunky Apple watch (but don’t want to go without a watch). Something more jewelry-like; more like a bracelet. I am likely to buy secondhand as I love getting high quality at more affordable prices. I want something that I can pass down to my daughter, so think timeless, excellent quality.
Grew up poor, so don’t know a timex from a rolex! First question: what brands would you recommend? Second question: what sites would you shop on? Realreal? Fashionphile? I am willing to spend up to $5K, and want white gold, silver or platinum, rather than gold. I am grateful for any shopping advice!
do you want something for black tie formal – delicate, jeweled, intricate – or something dressy but more everyday-friendly, akin to a silver cuff?
Fancier than an everyday, so definitely on the delicate side.
Perfect budget for a Catier tank. I think they go everywhere.
And I’d go directly to a Cartier or a jeweler. I wouldn’t go secondhand for that.
Is that because you can’t trust that it is not a knockoff, or that it works? I’ve had pretty good luck so far with secondhand sites, so was not too worried.
All of that – they are heavily knocked off and you don’t save much so it’s worth the luxury experience and being able to get it easily serviced.
If you don’t want to spend that much, I think Skagen has pretty watches.
+1. I’ve had mine for years, get compliments frequently and it set me back $80 at the time. They’re a little more than $100 now.
I also like Tissot – they have a variety of price points, and even the less expensive ones look nice.
I think going secondhand for a Cartier or equivalent is fine, but I would go to a certified preowned shop/jeweler.
Just on the topic of pre-owned, I would suggest looking at a watch at Cartier first to see what it’s supposed to look like. We ordered a watch online for my husband from what looked to be a reputable reseller. The watch arrived not working so we returned it, and it wasn’t until we purchased a second one directly from the manufacturer that we noticed a number of discrepancies which indicated the first one was likely not genuine.
We found that first reseller on a reputable watch site and it had many positive reviews, but I guess there are risks with buying online!
Mine is literally my favorite thing. In my mind it’s perfect.
Yesssssss.
Need outfit help! I am going to be in a photoshoot with some of my coworkers. We work in tech, and I think at least some of my coworkers will be dressed casual. I am worried even jeans and blazer might make me stand out. What would you wear? I also don’t want to look too trendy because I don’t want the photos to look dated in 10 years.
I always love that photo of Mary Oliver on the beach (you can google it) where she’s in a black mockneck sweater and fitted pants that she has rolled up. It’s one of the most timeless casual looks I can think of.
I wouldn’t worry too much about looking dated in 10 years, every photo will.
Wear solids and classics – button up shirt?
I agree with this. In ten years, it will be time for new photos.
+1
I think it’s inevitable that the photo is going to look dated, and I don’t see that as a bad thing! Clothing styles change, hairstyles changes, glasses styles change; it’s just the way it works. Even if you manage to look utterly timeless, the people around you will be wearing the clothing, glasses, and hairstyles that they liked in 2025.
-ask the person who is organizing the photoshoot?
-talk to your peers who will participate and organize a rough dress code (like everyone will wear jeans or chinos and a polo or button-down shirt)?
How does your personal style skew? More classic, more casual, more retro? Once you’re clear on how YOU want to look you can go from there. I would also coordinate with your colleagues on a basical level of formality – you don’t want them to be in jackets and you’re in a t-shirt for example. I’d also look up some inspiration photos and maybe take those with you to a department store for some browsing. Whatever you wear make sure it’s well tailored and you feel good about your hair/makeup – that almost matters more than the outfit to me!
I feel like a solid color shirt dress or other simple style is good for this sort of thing since you think a blazer might be too formal. It fits in whether folks around you are in t-shirts or a blazer without reading trendy (I used to work in a media role covering manufacturing and tech and often faced similar challenges).
We’re moving cross-country in about a month. We have a cat who has never experienced a big move like this, and is fearful and very strong (meaning the flailing limbs and angry wiggling could get him or whoever is holding him hurt) and doesn’t tolerate a harness well (pretty much at all, frankly).
I don’t drive but my husband does and we’re trying to figure out the best option here. A friend mentioned that if I fly with the cat I have to take the cat out of the carrier and hold it when going through the TSA lines (which I’ve never seen before, but they have no reason to make it up) and this worries me as our primary plan was to get anxiety meds for the cat and have me fly him to our new home while my husband drives the valuables over a couple days. I’m not sure I could control him and get him back into the carrier in our chaotic super busy main-hub airport.
I’m not sure if the cat could tolerate a couple days in the car and having him “sedated” for two solid days seems a bit scary.
I am not sure what real options we have here but if anyone knows of a service or has experience here I would be very grateful for the help!
can you ask your vet for advice?
Ask your vet what calming meds he can tolerate and consider having someone fly with you to help wrangle him. They will make you take him out at security. I do not think driving sounds like it will work with this cat. And learn to drive! It is a life skill
I know how, my license expired about 10 years ago while I was overseas and I just never renewed it. I didn’t need a car while in this current city as we have excellent public transpo. (Just FYI).
You should test the calming meds two or three times before they’re necessary. How to give them, when to give them, how your cat tolerates them, etc.
Sedation may be the best option for an animal that experiences this level of anxiety. I’d talk to your vet.
https://www.tsa.gov/travel/security-screening/whatcanibring/items/small-pets
When I flew with my cat 10 years ago, I did have to carry him through the metal detector when his carrier when through the x-ray. My cat was shy, so he just tried to hide in my arms.
I would talk to your vet about the sedation options. I tried to give a cat anxiety meds before, and he refused to take them – wouldn’t eat the food i mixed it in, made himself throw up when I tried to force it down, etc. So it may not be possible to get your cat to take anxiety meds, and they may not help anyways.
I recently went through similar, but with 3 cats, but a slightly shorter drive. If it’s an option, look at JSX and see if they are an option for flying. They are pet friendly, leave from smaller terminals, and seem more doable. They were totally booked for my dates, so I ended up driving. I expected it to be horrible, but it wasn’t bad. I didn’t sedate, one had GI issues with any meds. They were not happy but did way better than expected. They didn’t love the hotel, but survived. Luckily I happened to book a hotel that had beds/furniture they could not hide under. There is no painless solution, good luck!
One thing I considered, but wouldn’t really work for 3 cats, was getting a big dog crate and setting up the litter box and food in that to give them more room.
Cat rescues do a lot of transport of cats who were never raised to be comfortable in cars and may have some ideas.
People who show cats may know fancier car trip set ups than this, but for car trips, this is my favorite carrier that expands to hold a litter box so they can just stay in the carrier: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CF4F2H58
The zippers lock so they can’t bust out easily. My cat was not able to shred the fabric, but he also never hurt people so maybe he wasn’t exerting full force when he was trying; I am not sure. If that is a concert, a crate may be better.
Unfortunately I don’t trust airlines or the TSA much even to follow their own policies. They just don’t have a good reputation with disabled and special needs humans, let alone household pets.
My vet moved cross country with her three cats and used gabapentin. It’s effective and safe for cats. I was able to use it with my cat who had a heart condition.
In this case, sedation is not a bad thing because it will keep kitty calm. If he gets motion sickness, you can also ask your vet about anti- nausea medication.
I would prefer to drive rather than fly with a cat since air travel is so unpredictable.
I agree- driving is the better option. The cat will likely settle once he gets used to the car. Definitely test the meds before the trip. I sedated a dog with the recommended dosage once for a road trip and he fell over while peeing. We dialed back the dosage for day 2 and it was fine.
Not sure if this is a good idea, but I had a cat like that (she was a feral cat that I adopted) and I had to hire a vet tech just to come to my place to put her in the carrier for me for vet appointments! Could you hire a vet tech to help you get through security? Presumably once you are past security you will be fine? Good luck!!
I’ve done a cross country move flying with my scaredy cat. You’re allowed to keep a leash and harness on at all times, and you’re required to have a collar with rabies certificate + name tag.
He clung to me for dear life while we walked through the xray machine. Then, I popped him back into his carrier. I put the leash around my wrist so he wasn’t going anywhere. He was also very calm and quiet on the plane thanks to a kitty sedative. We even flew once with a dog that wouldn’t stop barking. I was worried he would freak out, but he did fine.
+1 to talk to your vet about this!
How does your cat behave when you put him in the carrier to take to the vet? Mine all struggle mightily to avoid going into the carrier, but once we are at the vet, they feel scared and try to squirm as deep into the carrier as possible. When the vet visit is over, they are extremely eager to get back in the carrier. I’ve never taken a cat through airport security but this would inform my planning. I would talk to my vet and get calming meds in advance. I would wear a loose open front sweater for the cat to hide in while going through the metal detector in my arms. I would put her in a harness with a leash just in case (and double-check that those wouldn’t have to be taken off to go through security). I would make sure her claws are freshly trimmed a couple of days before. And I would want a second person with me to grab the carrier off the conveyor belt and help me put the cat back in, but by that point my expectation is that my cat will want nothing more than to be back in the carrier. Good luck!
You do not have to remove the leash and harness at security!
We’ve driven cross country multiple times with our extremely anxious cats because we couldn’t see any way that we could manage navigating flights with them, plus we did need to move the car and some things we didn’t want movers to take. We certainly didn’t think that one of us could manage two cats in the airport, especially the taking them out of the carrier at security, and then howling the whole time on the plane, plus one was technically over the weight limit for in cabin pets, though it’s unclear if they would have checked this. We were also moving from places with small planes and multiple connecting flights, which made booking pet fights even harder.
We did get gabapentin from the vet, but we were never able to get them to take enough to seem like it made any difference. They were so freaked out by moving that they weren’t really eating and it was hard to get them to take pills when they were already terrified. Several days in the car certainly wasn’t pleasant, but we’ve done it three times now and everyone has survived.
Ohhh gabapentin can be liquid. Much easier!
I experienced this. Cat needed to go from home of elderly owner who died to my home.
Do a test run of the sedatives first. Get a pill shooter. Consider pheromones; they can be sprayed near the cat and provide more of a calming effect. (My cat hated being on sedatives.)
I would also test-run a harness. Cats get used to them pretty quickly, even if they hate them at first. I wouldn’t put a leash on the harness, just have the harness itself to hang on to.
The pill shooter is a game-changer! My cat resists taking pills/spits them out, but the pet piller tool delivers the pill too far back in her throat for her to do anything but swallow it. Mine was about $6 online.
I’ve flown twice with my cat who is smaller (~10 lbs) but very easily startled and an escape artist. Similar to you, I was worried about holding her in my arms and walking through an x-ray (she gets very wriggly and would not hesitate to bite / scratch to get free and then *poof* dash into a crowded airport). Vet recommended gabapentin for anxiety (took some trial and error, but found a brand of wet food she’d eat with the medicine mixed in).
At the airport, you can request a private screening instead of carrying the cat through the x-ray machine in your arms. This takes extra time, but to me the peace of mind of having the cat in an enclosed room while out of the carrier was worth it (they’ll take you and the cat to a room, ask you to take the cat out of the carrier, then run the carrier through the x-ray and return it to you in the room). In the two experiences I had, the TSA agent was very kind (and didn’t mind cats), obviously this is a bit more of a gamble if you get an agent that is more stressed (i.e. if the airport is really busy, or they don’t like animals).
Oh, and one more tip. Check with your preferred airline on their process for registering your cat for a flight. Some airlines limit the number of pets per flight, so you want to make sure to register for that when booking (it also often is an extra fee).
My cat is an almighty beast and getting her into the carrier is not for the faint of heart, so I get your concerns about taking the cat out and putting her back in at security. I think mine would have to be super sedated for that. Maybe a tranquilizer dart (kidding). I’ve never had to move her more than 10 minutes to a new house, so I don’t have any suggestions, just commiserations for carrier woes!
We traveled with our cat last year. You definitely have to take them out of the cage at security and carry the cat through the metal detector.
I was worried, but it was fine honestly. We did have a leash/harness as a back-up, but she did not try to run.
If you do meds, consider a trial first. My dog was given sedatives and it made her INSANE. A different compound was fine.
Anyone else with naturalized citizen spouses getting pretty worried for how things are going? Trump has repeatedly signaled that this population is a target for him. If my husband is deported to the country he fled as a child (political asylum), I don’t know what will happen.
Yes. We were going to travel to my naturalized husband’s country of origin this summer with our children and we didn’t because we were worried about him being let back into the country.
(For anyone who is like, “But he’s legal! There shouldn’t be a problem!” — just stop. The fear is real, and if something were to happen the results are catastrophic. Please don’t pretend like what’s happening is organized, thoughtful, thorough, or humane.)
We are terrified.
You are right to be scared and I’m sorry you have to be. My 100% citizen white male friend who is in his 60s was briefly detained for extra questioning after coming back from a trip to Europe. No real reason why and it’s never happened before, and he travels a fair amount.
Without due process, there’s no way for anyone to prove their status, naturalized, native born, or not. Fear is the point.
+1. He’s also talking about removing citizenship from people who he doesn’t like, deporting ‘criminals’ regardless of citizenship etc. etc. Fear is the point.
Exactly, so you can’t even say that you’ll be safe as long as you keep your head down and don’t commit crimes. Your crime could be contributing to Biden’s campaign or attending a rally where someone insulted Trump.
Yep. I am as “from here” as can be and am concerned.
I don’t understand why people do not grasp this. Due process applies to everyone because the point is to determine that you’ve got the right person for the right reason.
Country of birth is written on the passport. It is pretty easy to tell if someone is a naturalized citizen.
Not if you aren’t given the chance to present your passport to a judge.
I was born abroad to an American citizen parent. I’m a natural born American citizen can run for President and all that jazz AND my passport says I was born in China. Not that easy to tell with just a passport.
Do you walk around with your passport?
I am traveling overseas soon. My US passport lists my foreign birthplace. You better believe I’m bringing my Consular Report of Birth of a US Citizen Abroad, as well as paperwork proving my parent was working for the US government and stationed abroad when I was born. And making sure my spouse has copies of all that and the number of a good immigration lawyer in case I don’t come out of international arrivals. Might be overkill but I don’t trust some lunkhead immigration officer to not think, like you do, that I should have naturalization paperwork.
I put my comment about the country of birth being written on the passport because I am a naturalized citizen and am a easy target for being deported when I travel internationally. I am limiting my international travel. I did one trip earlier this year, my husband and I took burner phones. I do know people who are walking around with their passport to show they are naturalized citizen in Southern California due to the heavy ICE activity.
My husband and I are both American-born citizens. Our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. were also. But we are Hispanic, we look Hispanic, and we have Hispanic-sounding names. When we traveled through Arizona, we took our passports. We had just heard of an American-citizen from our state spending 10 days in an ICE facility because he didn’t have identification.
Yes, this is real. My LPR husband is ineligible to naturalize until next year. We’re seriously reconsidering our trip to his home country in a few months, although we can’t wait for his family to meet our baby.
I wouldn’t go. But then I’m coming at this from the perspective of being married to an immigrant man who hasn’t seen his family in 25 years for reasons too complex to go into here. Video calling helps.
There’s no way I would go on that trip if I were you, but I’m pretty risk averse.
This is such a personal issue, there’s no right way to handle it. But statistically, the cases of GC holders being detained are a very small portion of the total even though they get a lot of media attention (rightfully; because it’s nuts!). Visiting family is important too; and it’s ok if you all choose to prioritize that (or choose to hold off!)
I’m a risk averse person who has never traveled to Mexico. Reasons – the police are corrupt, and if you get kidnapped or jailed the US government can’t necessarily help you, even if you can make it known that it has happened. (A lifetime working in Kidnap & Random insurance will do this to you.)
But as irrational as people may feel I was about this, I now think all of those things could happen to any random brown person in the US. In fact, they have already happened, and recently.
I’m concerned for my naturalized children (international adoptees), but he is also talking about “homegrown” so there really are no firm lines. Everyone should be concerned.
We’re trying not to borrow trouble, but there is definitely some anxiety. While they’re targeting naturalized citizens, they are going after those with any sort of criminal record. Thankfully, this does not apply to my Partner. That being said, they carry their passport card, and we have our attorney’s number saved in our phones. And we have an immigration attorney in the first place. Spouse had plans to go to canada for an event, but it’s likely they won’t, and we won’t be leaving the country while the current administration is in power. I am extremely grateful they naturalized the second they could, I would be 10x more stressed if they were on a GC.
I think anyone should be worried but – and I know you know this – as much as possible, treat this as any other serious but manageable risk that will never be fully within your control. (Give yourself an hour to freak out and be angry first if that’s helpful). Then planning: is there a legal aid near you running “know your rights” seminars? Get recs for good immigration & civil rights lawyers in your area and write their phone numbers on your emergency card. Emergency planning if you have kids or other dependents; including making sure they know where Auntie’s phone number is written down or whoever they should call in an emergency (immigration or not) if they can’t reach you. Emergency savings account stocked up. Both partners know how to log into accounts and take care of key bills (healthcare, mortgage, insurance, etc).
No. I am a naturalized citizen and I am not at all worried about getting deported.
If you look at historical rhetoric around who republicans’ who lean towards Christian Nationalism want in this country, you will see they want White Christian immigrants. If you are not that, you should be worried. They do not want more black and brown people here, they don’t want them to have black and brown children.
I was just sharing my own personal feelings on this. Not inviting you to explain to me why you think I should be worried when I’m not.
My spouse is a permanent resident- we’re pretty worried. We aren’t going to travel internationally for this administration.
Contractor did quite a lot of demo work on our mid century home and as expected, the drywall contained insulation that strongly looks like it contains asbestos. I spoke with the contractor this morning about my concerns and he could not care less. Although the demo work was done properly, there is dust everywhere. The workers are stepping in it and carrying it throughout the house on their shoes. I am furious. I have three young children and there’s almost certainly asbestos dust in the carpet now. We are wet vacuuming everything and have a HEPA filter running. What would you do?
I would call the county ASAP.
What will the county do?
There should be some kind of building enforcement unit. Depends on where you live.
For starters, check your family into a hotel ASAP. Don’t wet vacuum it yourself, just get out of there.
Get out ASAP. I am not being dramatic – close your laptop, get everyone together, and go to a hotel. And consider contacting an attorney. I am so sorry this is happening.
Ignore it.
Instruct the contractor to stop all work and hire an asbestos mitigation company ASAP. If he won’t then do it yourself. And then fire that contractor. When we did remodel work, our contractor immediately halted everything and brought in asbestos mitigation at the slightest hint that asbestos was found. He treated it as the urgent matter that it was.
OP here. I’ve contacted a mitigation company. It’s baffling to me that the contractor reacted with a literal shrug. If he isn’t concerned about his own health I don’t care, but I cannot put my children’s health at risk.
I took the kids out of the house during the week of demolition to avoid the worst of it. But I was shocked to return to see asbestos just out in the open and the floor covered in dust. Because of the layout of the house, there is no way to avoid passing through this construction area (though only very briefly).
It’s relatively easy for us to keep the kids out of that area. But I’m really concerned about the fibers that have been tracked into the other areas of our home.
I don’t know anything about this but it sounds like you are keeping the kids out of the area. Is it safe to remain in other parts the house though? It sounds like it may not be based on other comments. Good luck!
Asbestos is a hard one because it floats around in the air. But a dust mask or N95 isn’t enough to keep it out of our lungs; I think usually it’s N100 or P100 at minimum.
I hope testing will reveal no asbestos.
They haven’t even tested for asbestos yet? You and your kids are absolutely not safe to be around asbestos (have you seen the PPE required? running a HEPA filter is not enough!).
Before you go to a full on panic, what did the contactor say as the basis for not being concerned? What are you seeing that looks like asbestos? Your real risk in your house is likely going to be in pipe wrap and certain types of tiles, not the drywall.
OP here. My concerns for it containing asbestos are the age of the home, the location of the insulation (exterior walls), and the visual appearance. Gray vermiculite, plus fluffy gray insulation. There is other insulation elsewhere that appears to be pink fiberglass. I asked the contractor why he is not concerned and he shrugged and said he doesn’t worry about these kinds of things, and that he has lead paint all over his house. This guy is one of the main guys who works for the head contractor so I emailed the head contractor to bring up my concerns and ask what mitigation steps will be taken. I’m very glad I had taken the kids out of the house during the demolition week, but I was not expecting the dust to be spread so carelessly in the “safe” areas of the house.
Lead paint and asbestos pose very different risks – your contractor is either negligent or stupid. I would call the head contractor and their parent company and raise hell. Take pictures, document everything, etc.
Pipe wrap and tiles are most common (I used to work on older buildings), but some homes built in the 50s and 60s do have cavity or attic insulation that contains asbestos.
OP, this is really scary and I hope that it’s not actually asbestos. If it is, a) fire the contractor and b) file a complaint with whatever contractor licensing board is in your area. His reaction to your concern is bizarre.
There are some states that regulate this very stringently and a contractor who does work with asbestos without obtaining the proper permits will be fined and required to mitigate. The problem is that the property owner can also be fined – even if they hired a contractor. So check your local laws before you report the contractor. (That said.- the fine for the homeowner is my state is pretty minimal for a first offense.)
All of that said, you cannot tell from looking at the insulation whether it contains asbestos. So before you panic (but after you get your children out), get it tested. Wall insulation can contain asbestos but it is more often found in attics.
Get it tested. There is no way to tell from appearance alone whether it actually contains asbestos.
My father in law died last year from mesothelioma due to asbestos exposure. The contractor should be treating this seriously. Get your family out ASAP until the house is tested to be safe.
OP here again. The contractor replied to my email about my dust mitigation concerns. They also offered to connect us with a third party to test the dust and air. I’m right in thinking they should be the ones to pay for that, right?
Why would they be responsible for the cost to test? You are the one who chose to have the work done, no?
Because they’re the ones who left the dust everywhere instead of cleaning it properly?
Demo is going to create dust. There is basically no way to stop dust, even from the most careful of contractors. This is a you cost.
Huh? This is not how construction works.
This is serious enough that you should want to test for your family’s long term health and safety. Since your GC has shown they are not concerned enough to do anything about it, why would you entrust them with being responsible to actually get a real test and to share the results with you?
Owner of an old house with asbestos here. At least where I am, we need to pay extra to deal with asbestos mitigation, and we have always moved out of the house for a while if anyone is touching the walls. I’m not sure why they should pay, unless they touched the walls when they weren’t supposed to. It’s not their fault they uncovered asbestos.
A responsible contractor would have stopped the moment something was uncovered that looks like asbestos, and waited for test results before creating and spreading around more dust. In that case, the homeowner would absolutely need to pay for testing and mitigation. In this case, there is an argument to be made that the contractor messed up and made the problem worse. Perhaps there can be a negotiation that they cover the cleaning/mitigation in the rest of the house (outside of the construction site), but that’s about it.
It is their fault if they uncovered potential asbestos and didn’t stop to test before disturbing that asbestos.
A) You should just pay for the asbestos testing, because this is a critical health & safety issue that it’s not worth wasting time while you argue about who should pay
B) You should pay for the asbestos testing because you would have originally been on the hook for it anyway (see: “it’s not their fault this job ended up uncovering asbestos”). *If* there is actually asbestos and the mediation costs are now much higher because they didn’t stop and test earlier, that’s when I think you have better standing to want them to pay
No I don’t think so. You should’ve had this done before you started the work. We suspected so we had a company come out and test. Then we handed that report to the contractor and they got a mitigation company in first (that we paid for).
I think it’s insane they aren’t prioritizing their own health but you have to prioritize yours- pay to get it tested (and mitigated if you need to).
You pay for it. And do it now. Stop arguing. It’s your home, your liability. Get it tested.
Not to be dumb, but asbestos is an issue if it’s disturbed. Has the insulation been disturbed such that the dust is indeed from the insulation? Your contractor is underreacting so hard that it makes me wonder about whether you guys are responding to just totally different things. For what this is worth, I’m also mid-renovation on a 1950s house; our contractor has found asbestos in some flooring. Some of it we’re remediating, some we are leaving and encapsulating. They were concerned about some insulation they encountered, but we had it tested and are OK there–hopefully you will be too!
With respect to payment for testing and remediation, I think payment for testing is clearly on you–that would have been necessary no matter what. Payment for remediation is on you unless the contractor’s actions caused more need for remediation than would have existed otherwise, in which case they’d pay for any extra cost.
Stop work. Break out n95 masks. Go to a hotel.
Call a remediation company to come out for testing
And fire your contractor + call OSHA if it’s positive- those workers are being exposed!
In case anyone is looking for a fun murder mystery, I just finished A Case of Mice and Murder by Sally Smith this weekend and highly recommend it! The setting of Inner Temple London is new to me and fascinating.
Thanks for the recommendation! Looks like it fits in the cozy mystery genre.
I like the Royal Spyness series from Rhys Bowen. It’s set in post WWI London. I think in the 1930s.
They look fun! Could I read the most recent one or do you recommend starting from the first in the series?
I would suggest starting with the first one. They kind of build on each other.
This Book Will Bury Me has been a page turner for me so far.
Thanks – just put on hold at the library.
If you’re interested in that setting, I have two other recommendations – the mysteries by Rob Rinder (about barristers handling criminal cases) and the mysteries by Sarah Caudwell (set in Lincoln’s Inn). The Rinder books are newer. The Caudwell books are old and there are only 4 but they are so, so good – just delightful.
The Sarah Caudwell books are some of my long time favorites.
+1 for the Sarah Caudwell books!
I posted last week about interviewing for a part-time job at a local vinyl record shop. It went well and I got the job! Now I need to get a few things to wear to my shifts. When I was interviewing, the girl behind the counter was wearing a regular T-shirt, jean shorts, and sneakers. I asked the owner about the dress code and he said there isn’t much of one – just to dress comfortable and cool, both literally and figuratively. He said band shirts are always easy. My problem is that I have a huge chest (36GG) and I feel strangled in most crew neck shirts. Is there any easy way to make a crew neck band shirt into a more breathable V neck? My friend does have a sewing machine and offered to help me but I don’t want to ask her to do anything complicated. Any other suggestions on clothing?
Do you own any band shirts? Just go to a thrift store, you can cut the collar into a “v” on a knit shirt and it won’t fray. YouTube has tones of tutorials on modifying band shirts with only scissors. Knit shirts suck to sew on domestic machines so unless your friend has a serger or industrial machine I would feel guilty asking her.
Yes – just cut it with scissors. Very rock and roll.
How many shifts a week do you work? I’d go to a store and get enough gray, white, and black t-shirts for the week, in whatever neck style works for you. For now, use your jeans/shorts and your sneakers to add the “cool.” Then, over time, you can figure out what tops work for you.
I think wearing all black is a timeless easy and fashionable uniform. Add accessories as you wish.
Teepublic lets you pick v-necks for the many designs. I don’t know if you’re a cat person but this is the first thing that came up and I think it’s fun:
https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/59413057-hiss-kiss-band-gift-for-cat-lovers-funny-music
You can cut the neck out of a crewneck shirt for a slouchy one-shoulder situation. If you are worried about the seams’ unraveling you can dot on some clear nail polish or Fray-Check or superglue.
I’ve snipped off the ribbed collar of crew neck tees to get a slightly more open neck and they don’t seem to fray too much. I snip above where the collar is attached, so the stitches stay on the shirt.
Normal t-shirt jersey doesn’t really unravel. The seams themselves are also pretty robust, but for the setting OP describes I think a little fraying there would add to the vibe.
If you’re looking for any plain tshirts, I’ve found that the Gap Organic Cotton VintageSoft T-Shirt is my holy grail shirt, nice thick material, comfortable, flattering
Any chance these are flattering on an apple shape? Maybe a bit boxy?
This is a situation to remember that your clothing cost should not exceed your paycheck. The owner appears to be on board with this approach. Don’t buy a band shirt just for the job.
I would wear whatever shirts you already have that look cute with jeans or jean shorts. Could be Anthro-esque slouchy blouses, could be V-neck tees, whatever!
This is not the kind of job to buy new outfits for.
You sound very conceited.
Whaaa? Plz explain
Frankly, I don’t think any job is the kind of job to buy new outfits for. People just want an excuse to buy new crap.
In this case, I think OP wants to buy new clothes to signal that she’s cool and hip, and buying new clothes is the opposite of those things. Nobody is going to care at all about what she’s wearing, but if they did they’d she she’s trying too hard. People who are truly cool and hip are cool and hip because they are genuine and authentic and don’t buy new outfits for their new jobs. Therefore, not the kind of job you buy new outfits for.
You are the worst kind of commenter.
Lol the kind who talks about fashion on a fashion blog?
I consider myself to have a good sense of style, but I had to buy new outfits for my new job because it was a different level of formality than my previous job. It was a lot easier to look polished and put-together when I could wear a dress or perfectly fitted white or black jeans and a blazer than it is now, where I have to wear dress pants and a blazer or put a blazer over my dress.
Maybe a few vintage T shirts at Goodwill
OP, what prompted you to apply for this job? I’m thinking a lot about how I want to spend my time and different ways to be engaged, and this is interesting. I’m curious what led to it/what you’re looking to get out of it etc.
My best friend is busty and she loves old navy v-neck tees, but not the luxe ones, the slub cotton ones. They’re not expensive and they wear pretty well. (The luxe ones do not–the slub ones do). Hope that helps!
As someone with the same bra size, another thing I do is buy (band) t shirts a size or two larger so that the chest is breathable, and then crop by just cutting off the bottom. It winds up boxy but cute, and helps the silhouette by making it clear that my waist is much smaller than my chest.
Same but it is to fit my hips (but I’m short). I need a rectangle but not a very long rectangle.
I have an equivalent bust size to you, and I think boat neck or slight scoop neck is a great alternative to a V, and those are much easier to hack from a crew.
I get men’s band t-shirts or plain cotton tees, and slightly roll the sleeves for a more feminine sleeve.
I either just cut a boat neck and leave it, or cut with a 1 cm seam allowance and do a rolled hem, very easy to hand sew. Let the jersey roll the way it wants to, pin a few places, and very delicately sew from wrong side. Just pick up a single thread from the main fabric, and all through the hem side. If you shirt is too boxy for your shape, gather a “pony tail” at back, add elastic, and tuck the tail.
You don’t need to stitch anything for a rolled hem on t-shirt fabric. Just wash it and it will roll fine and not fray.
I cut the collar band out of any graphic T shirt I wear regularly. It works fine and looks cooler, IMO.
ISO recommendations for men’s boxers – woven cotton, not a soft knit. DH’s are getting worn but he is PICKY. Must have a comfy waistband and no tag (or super soft tag). Most searches for comfortable pairs turn up soft knits like Tommy John.
Has he tried Jockey?
Have you considered purchasing a seam ripper to remove tags?
A seam ripper doesn’t help with tags that are sewn into the actual seam, only with the ones that are sewn on separately and designed to be removed, such as the tags on high-end scarves. You can usually just cut out the tag right next to the seam and the seam allowance will cover up the remainder.
Most nicer garments don’t serge the tag into the seam but rather use a straight stitch to attach it later. Serging into the seams is very much a fast fashion thing.
Where are you finding boxer shorts made this way?
And even if a tag is serged into the seam, your husband can cut the tag right at the seam line then use tweezers to pull the remainder out of the serged seam.
Yes, he tried this, but the stiffness of the cotton (despite being what he wants for the rest of the boxers) means the crisp wrinkles from how it’s attached to the elastic annoy him.
I guess I’m looking for boxers that have woven cotton “pants” but a fully elasticized waistband…. I remember Joe Boxer used to be like this when we wanted to wear them under our overalls in the 90s lol!
If you want the kind where the fabric is sewn directly onto a wide exposed piece of elastic, you want to look for cheap teen brands. Fancy adult brands have a casing for the elastic.
These are cheap but may work for this – Old Navy printed boxers. It’s a poplin cotton , very breathable. I’m pretty sure they don’t have a tag (can check tonight )
DH is like this and has gotten good ones from the Gap and Muji.
There was a very recent Wirecutter article about how the Muji boxers are terrific. Muji is one of my very very favorite stores though I do find their online ordering a bit fussy and there are only a few in-person stores in the US.
Marks & Spencer and Muji both have this style.
Thanks all for the suggestions! Off to check them out.
I love the style of this dress esp with the side slits. I would definitely wear this to work!
How often do you expect your power to go out? This summer our power has gone out repeatedly for hours at a time. The power lines in our neighborhood are buried, but the major lines feeding the neighborhood are not. It’s sometimes associated with a thunderstorm, but not always. We also had a water outage of several days this winter and have had some other water issues. This doesn’t seem like it should be happening in a well-developed suburban area.
Can you get a generator? I understand there’s a lot of permitting and other prep so there’s a long lead time, but that’s what I would do in your situation.
That’s about an 8-10K investment for a house we may not have for more than a couple of years…
You can get portable generators for far less than the cost of a whole-house generator, even if you pay an electrician to set it up. For short outages, you don’t need to run every outlet in your home but typically just need to power the fridge, garage door opener, furnace, water or sump pumps, etc., and a few lights.
Also, if you are in an area with frequent power outages, a whole house generator will in fact add a small amount of value to your home; discuss with your real estate agent.
I don’t expect it to go out except for a hurricane or a freak accident.
Do you live in Texas?
I never lose power but I live somewhere that has some of the best infrastructure in the world. Okay I shouldn’t say never, I did lose power for a tornado in 2021 for about 8 hours.
Virginia, where you would expect things to function better than they do in Texas.
This is super normal for the Northern Virginia and Maryland suburbs of DC. My childhood was interspersed with outages like you are describing. It sucks but is a seemingly intractable problem.
Keep in mind we’ve had some abnormal weather the past few months. The outages are likely a result of that and you might just have to live with it.
Also I feel like internet along the I-66 corridor has gotten notably worse in the past 6 months.
I’m in Richmond, VA and we’ve lost power a few times this year, once for 30ish hours. Seems like the weather this year is making it worse.
I am in one of the counties and it’s been so frequent this year. We lost power a bunch the first summer or two we lived here 20+ years ago, but apart from hurricanes it’s been pretty stable otherwise. Add the water situation and I am starting to think we are witnessing the first signs of the end of civilization.
I live in California where there are public safety shut offs, but the one downside of living in our crappy apartment is that it’s close to the hospital and therefore a lower priority for shut offs on our street. I have lots of opinions about these and I’ll boil it down to they are very dangerous. I think it should be illegal to do a power safety shut off for more than one hour when the heat index is above 90°. These are done when the utility anticipates fire risk, not when there’s an actual fire, and they could do a hell of a lot of other things to reduce risk before they cut off people’s air-conditioning and medical devices.
I’m also in California in an extremely high fire hazard area. PGE has gotten really safety conscious since they burned down a whole city. We usually see 3-10 outages per year, for hours to several days.
In their defense (a statement I never thought I’d write), they do offer small scale battery storage for medical devices and highly discounted whole house battery storage programs (which we benefitted from: we paid <20% for whole home battery storage).
If you are at all dependent on electricity for medical needs, sign up for their medical backup program!
I live in an upscale suburban area in Pennsylvania and we lose power frequently. Probably twice a month, almost always associated with wind or rain. We have a generator so I’m not sure how long it goes out for. We are fortunate the prior owners installed a generator.
I don’t currently live in PA, but I have friends/colleagues who live in two different suburban Philadelphia counties who both seems to have way more frequent outages than I experience in lower Westchester county NY.
Our newer, well-developed suburban area does rolling blackouts in the summer because of demand on the system from air conditioners. It is a pain, but I guess prevents longer, unplanned blackouts. There are federal guidelines that power companies are supposed to comply with in doing rolling blackouts. Ours usually gives notice, but not always.
Honestly, we moved because of this. Our neighborhood was old and treed with electric provided on poles. After being without power for 2 weeks in July with a newborn, when we needed to move for other reasons (primarily home size), we picked a home with buried power lines. We’ve had nothing more than a blip in the last 12 years (the kind that resets your microwave clock, but otherwise is unnoticed) and it’s been amazing.
Two weeks! We also lose power a lot because our wires are on telephone poles, but so far it’s always been a matter of a few hours. I would definitely be looking to move if they weren’t fixing it promptly.
I’ve moved a lot, and it varies a lot from place to place, both in terms of states, cities, and neighborhoods. Some neighborhoods pretty much never lose power. Other places, it goes out pretty frequently, like every few weeks. That place was weird, because I lived in other places just a few miles away for a decade and barely ever remember any of those places losing power, so it was very specific to that area (there were power poles on a major road that always seemed to get taken out in car accidents and it was in a particular location relative to the mountains that increased winds on the main line into the area, plus there were planned outages for fire risk and repairs to reduce fire risk).
Once a year or so when there’s a bad storm. Midwest, lots of thunder. That seems excessive to me.
Same – maybe once a year. Associated with thunderstorms in Midwest.
Welcome to the world where we’ve decided climate change doesn’t matter.
I live in Houston which gets a lot of weather and has grid issues. I never lose power- I have only lost power once in the last 5 years for like 18 hours when we got a hurricane. My mom lives like 30 miles inland and her power goes out probably a few times a year. They lost power for nearly two weeks during the same storm and have a backup generator. I would say it’s highly variable and would definitely inform my choice of where to live in the future; I think we all kind of know which neighborhoods tend to have these issues, and where it’s rare
I live in So Cal and in my previous city the power went out maybe once a decade in a big wind storm or earthquake. In the city I live in now, it’s more like once a year and it bugs me enough that we recently got a battery for our solar power system so that at least the wi-fi and fridge/freezer will stay on in an outage.
I live in the woods in coastal Maine with overhead wires (so any storm with wind is a potential issue) and we lose power maybe 6 times a year for 2-3 hours at a time. I work from home, so we have a whole house generator. It got a lot better here when the state put legal pressure on the power company to trim the trees around the lines like they are legally obligated to – before that we were losing power once or twice a month.
Never unless there is damage to transformers or lines. God bless TVA I guess.
Is wearing a skirt today that I can see through! We are in a male-dominated office. Do I say something to her?
She knows my name but that is all.
Like it’s a skirt that’s otherwise fine but when backlit you can see the outline of legs? Eh.
On the flip side, if you now are sure you know her waxing preferences, I’d quietly say that the skirt may read more translucent in some lights than she expects.
No!!! Not your business.
For anyone other than your BFF, I avoid commenting on wardrobe malfunctions unless they can fix it in the moment. So zipper down, skirt tucked into the waistband, missed shirt button = mention it quietly. Sat on mustard, overly sheer blouse, frayed elbow = let someone closer to them say something.
+1
+1
Agreed. I would absolutely not say anything in the case OP described. Plus I am guessing that she probably is aware that the skirt is sheer in some light and just doesn’t care.
I dunno, I have definitely been surprised by things that looked totally fine in my home lighting and… weren’t. It might still not be your place to say something but I wouldn’t assume someone was doing it on purpose
What do you mean exactly?
She may not care.
I am hosting a 25 people party for my 40th birthday in our backyard. I want to look put together, but not like I am trying too hard. I am size 4-6 depending on the brand. Any thoughts of what to wear? I don’t really want too much floral or black color.
dressy shorts and a linen button down knotted at the waist?
if by backyard you mean walking around with adults and not actual grass sitting, white jeans and cute top
I love a good floaty sundress, think the Somerset line at Anthro, but hate how I photograph in them, so while tempted would personally skip for a photo-heavy night like this one. YMMV!
Check out the “Fit & Flare Sleeveless Linen-Blend Midi Dress” from Old Navy. Comes in various colors, and v. flattering
Op here, I want something more fancy. We will have seating and music, so more upscale gathering.
Browse around Sezane? Like this in the pink could play well with pretty flat sandals… https://www.sezane.com/us-en/product/pippae-dress/dahlia#size-S
Reformation?
How about navy? I bought a navy gauze dress from Caslon last summer and it’s been a workhorse. Kind of similar to this one: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/puff-sleeve-ruffle-hem-gauze-maxi-dress/8086854?
I would browse Tuckernuck, Sezane and Reformation and see if any of the dresses catch your eye.
Cotton or linen dress from La Ligne, Apiece Apart, Staud, or M. Patmos.
I’d look for something from Farm Rio or Johnny Was.
This is a job for Anthropologie.
I’m running into a dilemma with our friend group that is annoying me way more than it should.
For well over a month, our group had talked about going to a community event this coming weekend that requires tickets. DH messaged the group: hey, is this happening? Are we getting tickets?
One friend replied, eh, let’s just meet at someone’s house and let the dogs and kids run around instead! Several other friends gave it the thumbs up. However, nobody has stepped up to host.
I love a good backyard hang, but this is miles away from what was originally discussed. DH & I have the best backyard for gatherings, so we often host backyard get-togethers in the summer. We are not stepping up this time because we don’t want a backyard full of dogs! There would be 6-8 dogs if everyone brought theirs.
We like our friends a lot. However, we are the only family in our friend group without a dog. We … do not enjoy dogs. We also have an indoor cat who becomes practically feral when she senses a dog is in her yard.
DH wants to nicely tell everyone that we’re willing to host, but to please leave the dogs at home. I’m not feeling that nice. If ya’ll want to have a dog party, you host it. And I may not come, because being in a backyard dog park is not a pleasant experience.
my guess is if you do this you will be in for a world of wheedling and someone who brings their dog anyway, so wouldn’t open the door.
Totally agree. When my kids were little I had a birthday party at my home and my friend who has a child-dog (meaning her dog is her child) asked if she could attend and bring her dog. I was really clear that I didn’t know which kids would be ok around dogs, so she was welcome to attend, but without the dog.
Of course she showed up with the dog. I told her she had to keep the dog leashed, but also of course she didn’t.
Dog fortunately didn’t hurt any kids but did get into the unwrapped presents and chewed the arm off a brand new stuffed animal. Kid who had gifted that saw it and started crying. My (now ex) friend’s response was “well, it’s ruined now. Can my dog keep it as a toy?”
This kind of situation annoys me too. If you and your husband want to go to the community event, I’d just get tickets for that and call it a day. If someone wants alternate plans, they are free to make alternate plans, but I am not going to plan another person’s vague thing when there was a perfectly good, specific event in the first place.
+1. Get tickets and enjoy the event!
Maybe even tell a white lie, “Oops, we already bought tickets so that’s where we’ll be that day.”
OP here, and that’s a good point. I was really looking forward to the original thing. Not sure why we’re suddenly switching it up.
Or if you would enjoy the event with a potentially smaller group, I think it’s also fine to say: “I’m really looking forward to Event so I’m going to grab a ticket, text me if you want to meet up there!”. Big groups have a lot of inertia, you don’t have to be cruise ship activity director
Yeah, I would just go to the other event as well. But I am more the type to do stuff with DH vs a big group anyways.
If you would rather do the group hang, I think it is 100% fine to say that you will host but dogs cannot come.
I’m with your husband. Tell everyone you’re happy to host (but *cannot* host dogs). I cannot fathom someone bringing a dog to my house and expecting it to be allowed in.
Yea – I am a dog person but I don’t want to host dogs that are not my own for many reasons. Use words and simply say, “Happy to host a dog-free get together at our house or go to someone else’s for families + dogs!” I don’t think that’s controversial. But also, permission granted to not offer to host!
As the sole non-dog owner I think it’ll be fairly understood why you are dog-free. Also, even if you own a dog (like me), I’d say this, too. My dog is so anxious and we do not welcome any other pets to our home.
I love my friends, but a couple of them have become Those Dog People who want everything to be a dog-friendly event. And at least one of those dogs is not trustworthy, IMO. He has nipped people before.
I would actually do less than that! Refuse to pick up on the subtext. This sounds like a pretty sizable group and everyone is playing a game of chicken about who’s going to host. Maybe your backyard is nicest, but no obligation follows from that. If someone should be entitled enough to suggest that you host, just cheerfully say “oh, this was proposed as a party with dogs, so I assumed it will happen at one of the backyards that are set up for dogs. Ours isn’t!” Obviously you’re off the hook. You can’t just invite a bunch of pets to someone else’s house.
Don’t do any of this. Don’t offer to host. You want to go to community event, so do that! Dog lovers can get together without you and without your backyard.
And I say this as a person with two dogs!
I would go to the event. Major pet peeve when people talk a big game about plans and then say “eh let’s just sit on the couch instead.” My family does this constantly and we’ve learned to always keep our own plans and drive our own car as a result. Also, so many people have such poorly behaved dogs that I certainly wouldn’t jump to host.
Yeah, to me it sounds like no one actually wants to go to the event.
I think it’s part of the larger problem where people default to whatever is easiest because planning is hard and requires thought.
And people think they’re entitled to never, ever experience a second of discomfort.
This is so dumb. You don’t want to do this. So just don’t. Buy your own tickets and go do the fun thing
I’m a dog person and routinely have a lot of dogs over, but this would annoy me too. Echo everyone else here that you should go to the event if you want to. If you end up staying home, it kind of sounds like it would be easier to just say you’re not up for hosting than to tell ppl not to bring their dogs. I’d be chill with that, but not sure how your friends would feel
If no one is actually stepping up to organize the backyard gathering, then you should get tickets for the event. It’s not your responsibility to host.
Agree with this.
+2
OP – please go to your event, and do not host a group of dogs in your yard. I would feel exactly like you. Your friends will even resent you a bit if you offer to host with no dogs, so just leave them to organize.
I am a dog person and I would never bring my dog to someone else’s house. It’s extremely rude.
Same. Dog goes a ton of places with me. But I would never presume to bring him to someone else’s house unless they specifically gave an invite to do so.
I also wouldn’t be trying to make plans for this weekend when it’s already Monday. Go to the event. It’s the only way to train folks to organize things earlier.
That makes you fairly unique among the Millenial dog owners I know!
I am Gen X, so that probably explains it. Ha. We were trained to think of others.
Get tickets to the event. Go and enjoy yourselves.
Help me make sense of this type of banter! When someone talks about taking the over-under, or sandbagging, etc., what do they mean?
I grew up in an environment where gambling or betting was verboten. Without that context, I don’t understand the nuance at all when my colleagues use phrases like this in their everyday speech. I have trouble figuring out what they mean. Is there a primer for this so I can translate what they mean??
I just googled “gambling lingo” and got a lot of results.
Can’t you google “common gambling or betting terms”
This.
These are super, super common terms. Easy to figure out on your own or google.
Those two are common enough I’d actually just google “corporate jargon over/under”! And people will make corporate jargon out of *anything* so don’t feel like this a hole in your education or something
your specific examples- over-under is an arbitrary line dividing two possibilities. Like “what’s the over-under on Mike dialing in” might be a joke about juuuust how late Mike, notoriously tardy, will actually join the meeting.
sandbagging- intentionally hampering someone else behind their back usually, like “Mike is totally sandbagging Mary’s project” as in talking negatively about it on the side to decisionmakers or being slow to get her stuff because he doesn’t think it should move forward
Yes, it’s exactly this!
And thanks the others for the suggestion…I feel dumb for not thinking to look up general gambling lingo; I’ve been trying to search each term I encounter but that gives results in a vacuum. A big picture overview will be helpful.