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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Turtleneck Sweater

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A woman wearing jeans and a navy, white, red striped sweater

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I have a very stylish friend who repeatedly jokes that the only time I compliment her on her clothing is when she’s wearing something from Walmart. (For what it’s worth, it’s kind of true! They have some really cute stuff!)

This fun striped turtleneck is from Walmart’s Free Assembly line and would look great tucked into a flowy skirt or paired with trousers. If the stripes aren’t really your thing, it also comes in four solids. 

The sweater is $14.25, marked down from $19, at Walmart and comes in sizes XS-XXL.

Sales of note for 1/15:

167 Comments

  1. I know nothing should surprise me anymore, but those plaques in the White House. What kind of person, let alone a sitting president, writes stuff like that?!? Are any of his staff embarrassed by this? I guess there are no issues to solve in this county since there is so much time for writing

    3. A deranged narcissist. He doesn’t care about solving any problems in this country, and operates solely out of self-interest.

      1. 100 %

        New letters are already going up on Kennedy center without name even legally changed

    4. super happy my tax dollars went to that

      ever wonder how much of this will be a footnote in history versus an entire chapter? i’m sure the plaques will be a footnote but JFC.

    5. It’s bizarre and unbecoming, but if it keeps him occupied I guess it’s among the less harmful things he could be doing.

    6. The craziness is the point. We’re talking about this, the Kennedy naming issue and the ‘Patriot Games’ instead of Epstein files and how DOJ is not releasing them.

  2. anyone know what earrings Michelle Obama is wearing during her recent Jimmy Kimmel appearance? I really like the sparkle climbing up the ear and all of my google searches are just proving details on her dress, not her jewerly.

    1. rewatching I think she had possibly little tiny stick-on or magnetic studs that created the ear crawler effect? I couldn’t see anything that looked like they were attached to the large stud.

      1. yes, that was what I was leaning towards – thought it was a great idea. No way I would be able to get them to match if I tried to recreate!

    2. i can’t find a good picture of them but they look like vine earrings; i’ll bet it’s all one piece connected by slim wires.

  3. Our spring break starts on Good Friday and we want to go to Rome, tour the Vatican, and see some other historical sites. We have to fly overnight and land in the morning. For that first zombie day, what is the best time to travel so that we can find food (ideally restaurant meals or at the hotel) and then have things like the Vatican maybe be open the next day. Arrive on Easter and just rest and walk around that day? Or fly on Easter and land the next day and Rome springs back to life by Tuesday? It’s not ideal timing but I want to make the most of it.

    1. IIRC Easter Monday is more of a public holiday in Italy than Good Friday; we were in Venice for Easter 2 years ago. And Easter at the Vatican is amazing according to my husband, who was there decades ago, so take with a grain of salt. Maybe you should fly the night of the 2nd if possible, arriving on the 3rd (Good Friday), so you can be ready for actual touring on Saturday?

    2. For arrival day, it’s so worth the money to pay for early checkin (even if that means booking a hotel room for the entire night you’re in the air – message the hotel to tell them what you’re doing so they don’t give the room away as a presumed no-show). My go-to for Europe arrivals is get to lodging, quick shower, 1-1.5 hour nap (max). This allows you to avoid Zombie Status but not oversleep and prolong the jet lag.

      As far as arrival day, I mean, Rome for Easter is extremely busy. If it’s meaningful for you to actually experience Easter then I’d go with the suggestion to fly Thursday night. If it’s not, by all means, arrive Tuesday and enjoy relatively fewer crowds and likely prices that are lower.

      1. +1 although it depends on what time you’ll get to the hotel. If you’re coming off a direct flight from the US, landing at 8 am and getting to your hotel at 9, yeah it’s worth it. But sometimes we have to connect in Europe and we’re arriving at the hotel more like 1-2 pm and then I generally don’t find early check-in worth it, since it’s just a couple of hours and there’s a good chance you can check in without arranging anything in advance (but it’s very rare to be able check in at 9 am without paying for it).

  4. How prevalent are canned Pearson college classes? Especially if they are high school kids with a DE option at a community college? To me, I can see that really looks like the stuff they hated about zoom COVID learning. But is that what classes will also look like at a 4-year school now?

    1. You mean your kid’s high school is offering these in lieu of AP?

      In our state it is common for AP and IB students to take an on-line dual enrollment version of the required personal finance course, but that is just to satisfy the requirement to make room in their schedule for real classes. I would avoid on-line or dual enrollment for any substantive course for a kid who wants to attend a four-year-college. The rigor isn’t there and they won’t be prepared for college-level work.

      1. This is my beef with dual enrollment and why DH and I haven’t pushed it super hard with our kid. Yet I know a lot of parents who view it as an easy way to earn college credits and save some money on tuition. Which is true, but I also don’t want to pretend that HS dual enrollment is the same thing as actually going through a university course.

        1. Has the term “dual enrollment” changed meaning? I took dual enrollment classes (in-person at a flagship State U) in high school and they were the regular college classes. I did the same homework and took the same tests as all the other college students in the class. They were not as rigorous as classes at the fancy college I went to when I moved away for college at 18, but they were definitely college classes.

          1. In our district dual enrollment courses are taught by high school teachers at the high school for community college credit. The material and instructional quality may be equivalent to community college coursework, but community college in our state is not really substitutable for lower-division coursework at a four-year university. Nearly all of the courses offered at our community colleges are remedial or vocational. There are a handful of freshman-level gen ed courses such as calculus and chemistry and freshman comp that can satisfy university requirements, but the quality is not the same as what you’d get at the flagship state U. If you want to transfer from a community college to a four-year university you need to be very strategic about course selection and take advantage of an articulation agreement. And if you want to get out in four years total you can’t major in anything with serious lower-division prereqs. College-bound high school students are much better served by taking AP or IB courses, perhaps with one or two summer courses at the local four-year state university after junior year.

          2. 11:04, that’s how our district works, too. Our sophomore is taking AP classes but we’ve discouraged dual enrollment. Maybe we’ll regret it, IDK, but it seems like a better way to keep options open since he doesn’t know yet what he wants to major in.

          3. Huh ok, maybe it’s a newer thing? I’ve never heard of this and when I was in high school, it just referred to taking a class (whether at the community college or State U) where you got both high school and college credit.

            Agree on community college courses generally being remedial, and a good fit for some kids but not for kids who are advanced enough to need college classes in core subjects like math, science and English.

    2. No, this isn’t what courses look like at four year schools. A lot of undergrads really appreciate some online/asynchronous courses in their schedules (I don’t see the hate you’re mentioning?), but the four year state schools I’m most familiar with have their regular faculty teach these courses. DH has had several students sign up for in-person classes with him after initially taking an online course. So times have changed, but not the way you’re thinking.

      I assume there are places that rely heavily on canned everything, insofar as professional conferences have tons of booths set up from people selling this sort of thing. But that’s been true for a long, long time; to me it’s just another thing to know before enrolling.

      1. Yeah I work at a solid but not fancy four year public university and the vast majority of our classes are taught in person. There are a few online classes, mostly taken over the summer by kids who want to knock out some college credits over the summer. But nobody is in the situation of not having access to in person classes. High school kids here who need college coursework (beyond the APs offered by the high school) go to the university, not community college, and mostly take in person, although some might take an online course for the same reason college kids do, e.g., trying to do get a course done over the summer while working or doing an internship.

        1. I took two community class for-transferrable-credit classes recently and they were Pearson-produced, but in a classroom with a PT adjunct professor. I think it was helpful for when I missed class to have stuff to pull up on the college platform.

          That said, if anyone has a recommendation for a Biochemistry-only class (no lab needed, but it can’t be combined with any other chemistry class, like organic & biochemistry), I can take it anywhere in the US that has it online. But it’s not this way for what I have locally as options.

    3. I had a couple at the CC and 100/200 level back in the early 2010s. Excel, a basic database class. They were annoying but the info was sound. I much prefer an instructor developed course but they weren’t completely terrible, just tedious.

    4. No? I work at an R1 university. Nobody is offering canned classes for entry-level courses. They’re taught by actual faculty members, with grad students leading recitation sessions. And my son’s HS offers dual enrollment, but it is taught by teachers at his school. I have some qualms with dual enrollment for a variety of reasons, but it is not a “canned college class.”

  5. What is a good outfit formula for when you host a holiday? I will be in the kitchen all afternoon putting out food so not too fancy, but wondering if anyone has a good recommendation for hosting outfits- sweater dress? Jeans & sweater? I want to be comfortable but also somewhat dressy and not white! Our family wears dresses or jeans and fancy tops. Looking for inspiration and to hear what others will be wearing this Christmas!

    1. For casual events where I am moving around a lot, I like a festive tunic sweater and fancy leggings (something with detail that makes it clear they are not workout gear or pajamas – shimmery fabric or moto seams, maybe faux leather, etc.).

      1. or an alternative could be crinkly matte satin pants – they’re pull on, elastic waist, add a lightweight crewneck sweater and some sparkle and you’re done.

        1. Oo tell me more about this. Any specific rec? I love the idea of satin pants but they always look like PJs to me. The crinkle effect might be just the thing to make them look like pants.

          1. mine are the JCrew Stratus from last year – I suggest searching textured satin to find the general look.

    3. I would get way too hot in a sweater or sweater dress while cooking. I generally wear a tank top or short sleeve shirt while I am cooking, and then pop on some sort of top layer (cardigan, blazer, etc) when I am done.

    5. I like to wear a festive top and either nice jeans or pants that are similar in style to jeans, but in a nicer fabric like velvet. I get too hot wearing sweaters while I’m hosting.

    7. Jeans, top in a thin but festive fabric (I have a shimmery long sleeve tee from White House Black Market that’s great for holidays), and blingy jewelry. I like having pockets when I host so I avoid dresses.

    9. Don’t do a sweater dress unless you don’t sweat!

      Something loose, comfortable, either a little sparkly or a little funny.

      Most importantly – something that works with flat and comfortable shoes!

  6. My siblings and I are flummoxed by our parents at the moment, and I’m hoping ya’ll may have some advice.

    A year ago, our mom (70) was diagnosed with glioblastoma. She responded well to treatment and we are so freaking fortunate that she is still here. The thing is about this diagnosis is that it is considered a terminal disease. The cancer WILL come back at some point, and because it’s insidious (like spider webs running through the brain), it is incredibly hard to get rid of once it recurs.

    So two months ago, her MRI showed some inflammation. The oncologists were careful to say that they did not know exactly what it meant. It wasn’t tumor growth, but it was new activity in the original cancerous area. She had a check-up this week and met with the oncologist yesterday. My sister, a nurse, attended this appointment, and very clearly heard the oncologist say that there was some growth that was not related to the inflammation they saw a few months ago. They are not changing the treatment plan at this time.

    Our parents (dad is 77, and not good at interpreting medical info) do not seem to be understanding that this is not good news at all. They’re taking it as all is well, Mom is cancer-free, Merry Christmas to all. My siblings and I don’t believe they’re trying to be protective of us. We’re concerned that they heard what they wanted to hear, and came away with a very different interpretation than my sister.

    So how do we approach this conversation? My parents are from a generation that doesn’t push back or ask a lot of questions. But “growth” is quite different from inflammation and flares that were seen previously.

    Frankly, there isn’t a happy ending to fatal cancer anyway, so do we let them believe what they want to believe for now?

    1. First, I am so sorry you are in the situation – what a burden. Do you think if they understood, they would do anything significantly differently – like take a bucket list trip or go see relatives or anything important? If not, I guess maybe I would leave it alone for now? Not an easy call.

      1. No, I don’t think they would. Ever since my mom’s diagnosis, she has made it very clear that she wants to live her normal life for as long as she can. My parents are not travelers at all. So maybe that’s the answer right there … just let them live, and what happens, happens. At this point, all time is bonus time, if that makes sense. Breaks my heart.

    2. When is her next follow up? Could you let them believe what they want to believe through the holidays, and then ask more pointed questions to help them understand at the next follow-up appointment?

    3. I cannot imagine that your parents, who are 70 and 77, are not aware of the implications of your mom’s cancer, with all they have been through.

      For you and your siblings, I’d continue to treat your parents like grown adults who have been faced with their own mortality and are grappling with all that means. And then also get clear on what you want from them related to this news about new growth. Do you want your parents to talk with you about it? Do you want them to grieve or be sobered with you?

      2. Agree. Might, might, might feel different if the treatment plan were affected, but it’s not. So I’m not quite sure what you want them to do here but live life with a terminal disease on the terms they want to do it until the physician makes a call on any changes during the next check-in.

    4. Maybe they are putting it on the back burner until after the holidays. Hospitals run slowly at this time of year. They may as well just ignore it and enjoy the borrowed time.

      When is the next appointment? Can your sister attend that one, armed with more information and the ability to ask harder questions?

    5. I say this as someone who has had three friends die of cancer in the last few months: this IS good news. Unfortunately, she’s probably going die of cancer, and that sucks, I send my sympathy to all of you. But right now, there’s no tumor growth and it sounds like she feels okay and wants to enjoy the holidays. You take your wins where you can get them.

      2. OP here, and there IS new growth. That’s the whole issue they aren’t getting. But I definitely am not going to stir the pot before Christmas.

      3. OP said there wasn’t tumor growth, but there was growth. I obviously don’t know what that means in the context of this third hand non-technical terminology, but the oncologist seems to be making a distinction. So while it’s definitely not the best news, it’s better than it could be. Having just gone through this with multiple people, any day you get better than the worst case news and you feel okay, you should take the win.

        If you really think it would make her happier to dwell on how awful it is that she’s going to die, then go ahead and rub it in her face. It’s very, very hard to spend years knowing that you’re going to die of cancer, and most people who still feel okay want to spend that time living their lives as much as possible rather than dwelling on how awful everything is. Unless you think she really doesn’t understand that this is a fatal diagnosis and if there’s something she would do differently if she understood that she was going to die soon, I don’t see the point in forcing her to think about it all the time when she doesn’t want to. That doesn’t mean denying death as it approaches, just not making it the only focus.

        1. My reading was that two months ago there was no growth on MRI, just inflammation, but this week there was new growth acknowledged (either on a new MRI image or a new reading of the previous one, I wasn’t sure).

          I don’t know what it is like to live with a terminal diagnosis and a prognosis for how soon you’ll likely die, or even just having a pretty good idea of how you’ll die instead of just that you’ll die someday. But it makes sense to me to want to live without making it the only focus.

    6. Let them be glad that she is here to celebrate Christmas this year. That was likely their primary worry a year ago.

      You need to leave space for people to be glad that ‘not good news’ is thankfully not ‘horrible’ news. They may have been worried about if she would need to be operated on immediately so a family Christmas is a joyous relief.

      1. +1. I know someone in a similar position: What the doctors said is bad in a vacuum but the parents are acting like it’s wonderful news. They probably expected to hear “you only have weeks left” so anything else is a relief. As long as you trust the doctors to monitor and come up with an appropriate treatment plan don’t stage an intervention with your parents.

    7. I’m so sorry. I had a relative die of glioblastoma and it is a very tough diagnosis. Honestly I would get through the holidays as happily as possible, make sure they’re doing everything they want to live the way she wants, see family/friends if she wants to, and have a harder discussion where the oncologist tells them that it’s growing again at the next appointment – would that be in January? You and your sister may need to be there to make sure the message gets across. Medical appointment can be confusing. When I would go to my mom’s oncology appointments, she and my father would always need a recap. It took time for my mom to realize that she was dying.

      1. Usually two of us go to these appointments, and this time only my sister could. But I think you’re correct that we hold off for now and have the hard conversations later, when there is more to discuss. I think we’re all in a weird space where we’re trying to enjoy life, while grieving what’s to come. It’s a strange place to be.

        1. It’s a VERY strange place to be, and I imagine how bittersweet all this makes Christmas for you. It’s very hard to be “normal,” the way they’re being, when inside you’re sad and grieving. It’s like you’re in a different life season from the holiday season around you, with it’s own sorrows, rhythms, and graces.

        2. I hear you. My mom had stage 4 pancreatic cancer (aren’t they all always stage 4?) and each time I booked a ticket for a visit seemed like a win. But it was hard — one time she made a little meal for us, which was hard because part of what I wanted to do was do things for her, but it was such a delight and she loved that she was still able to do this. I made sure I left them with a stocked refrigerator and freezer and just enjoyed a day she felt good enough to be normal for a minute.

          I am not a doctor, but is growth not the same as “tumor”? Or is any growth in the brain automatically bad? I am thinking yes, so if there is any activity, that is bad even if it hasn’t progressed into a tumor.

    8. You give them the gift of getting to believe that she is cancer free for Christmas and have a carefree Christmas. There are times for denial, and this is one of them. You also make sure to take all the pictures and videos of this Christmas – even the ones of you and your mom in PJs, hair not done, drinking coffee. Play silly games. Let the camera roll a bit with all of your siblings talking around the dinning room table. Then, deal with whatever in January.

      2. +1 My deepest sympathy OP. My father is going through on-going medical issues right now. It’s hard to picture any outcome being positive from where he is at. We’re talking two ‘this is it, get to the ICU asap calls’ within a span of two weeks.
        I’m not local, so it was eye opening to be talking with one of his specialists in the ICU in person, saying things like “I don’t know if he’ll make it, we need to get him off the ventilator as quick as possible, I haven’t seen many patients recover when they get to this state…” To only turn around and hear my mother say ‘Didn’t the Dr. sound optimistic? I think he’s going to pull through!’ and go on acting like everything is fine and chipper. I then saw firsthand her positive spin on the doctor’s feedback to my brother, when it didn’t read as positive to me at all in person.
        This commentor is right that denial has a time and place and this is a good time for it. I just need to trust my parents are coping the best they can with the tools they have at their disposal. What a good reminder for me as well, that we need hold on to the positive memories we can with the upcoming Holidays and let January be January.

    9. OP, I don’t know if this would make you feel better or worse, but there is a really interesting film called The Farewell about how a Chinese American family deals with a terminal cancer diagnosis in the matriarch – basically there is a cultural divide on whether or not to tell her of the diagnosis at all. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Farewell_(2019_film)

      It’s obviously a completely different situation than yours, and Glioblastoma is its own hell, but it made me think differently about the virtues of LESS knowledge.

    10. Cancer sucks, and I am sorry you are going through this.

      Do all of your siblings have the current news, and are all of you aware that your parents are presenting a rosier outlook than that news might merit?

      I suggest letting your parents enjoy the holiday without trying to force them to be glum or mournful. Let them soak up as many good memories as possible, and make sure the rest of you know time with them is limited. I.e., if brother from across the country is only hearing your dad’s take and thinks he can always fly in for a visit next year instead of this season, gently update him.

      If your mom wants to live what life she has without spending the rest of it chasing pipe dreams of a cure, I honestly don’t see what benefit there is in forcing her to acknowledge that the news isn’t good, either now or after the holidays. It doesn’t sound like it will change her course of action.

      1. Fair points. Yes, all of us siblings won the same page and kind of scratching our heads about it.

    11. Why don’t you let the doctors guide things? If/when the doctors are truly concerned that it is new tumor activity that needs treatment, they will say it needs treatment. Surgery. Radiation. Other changes in treatment perhaps. If they are not saying this, then as long as you have faith in your mother’s doctors, then there is absolutely nothing you should be doing differently. The doctors will guide them when it is time to “worry”. Why do it sooner?

      If I were you, I would attend the next doctor’s appointment, and be ready to ask a question or two to make sure you understand what is going on, and why/why not any different treatments are being considered.

      I am very familiar with your personal situation. It sounds like your mother is doing incredibly well, considering the circumstance. Honestly, I see it as a blessing every month she isn’t forced into more invasive aggressive treatments. I am assuming that your parents finances are in order, and there are no urgent issues that must be managed. Your parents are so lucky you and your sister are nearby to provide support during this hard time. Just focus on being with them, recording lots of video and audio recording of your mother over the holidays. Ask her all the questions about her young life/family, and her dreams and goals over her life, and let her retell all the stories. And record her telling your favorite ones, and maybe about when you were born. And ask her for advice, as she needs to know you still need her.

      Your parents know. They just don’t want to be reminded.

    12. I have been in the orbit of glioblastoma twice. I think if your parents choose to believe or act as if nothing is happening, or indeed if they do believe it, they may be in a better place than confronting what seems to be speeding towards them. Sending you and your family all of the positive energy, and I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family. I say that with sincerity; I was dreading what we knew to be my father’s last Christmas, and it was one of the warmest, love-filled holidays and forever incandescent in my heart.

    13. I’m in the middle of cancer treatments right now, and I think it’s a great gift to give them to simply accept that baffling and puzzling responses are going to be part of it all.

      I know I’m baffling people around me who care for me deeply. I’m not responding all the time the way they expect. Sometimes I even baffle myself! And my cancer isn’t nearly as serious as your mom’s. It’s just an entirely new landscape full of technical medical information, startling reality, lots of relationship dynamics, painful and nerve-wracking physical experiences, huge emotions, logistical details, and deep spiritual realities.

  7. Anyone here know of any good communities for pregnancy planning with *really* advanced maternal age (45+) that aren’t a lot of baby dust and emojis? Bonus if it’s good for unusual situations like people doing it without a partner.

    2. There are a lot of Facebook groups for SMCs, including one for women over 35. I’m not aware of any specific ones for women over 45, but I didn’t fall into the demographic so there may be one I’m not aware of.

      1. I live by a big fertility clinic that a friend used and she said that it can be very segmented within the clients, so it could be that if you are using a clinic, especially with donor eggs, they may do some support groups (and further divide into happy & unhappy ones). But in the planning stage, it might matter less that it’s SMBC and more about age and prep and dealing with just getting pregnant?

    3. There’s gotta be a R3ddit for this. FWIW, my OB said it was downright rare to have a patient under 35 these days and that most were late 30s or early 40s.

      1. It’s so regional. I had my first at 33 and my OB wouldn’t shut up about how I was the oldest first time mom she’d had in years. She also insisted on labeling me geriatric which annoyed me no end.

        1. That is especially ridiculous because 33 wouldn’t even qualify as advanced maternal age. I had my first and only at 35 and got “elderly primigravida” in my chart.

          1. Maybe it was a military town? My sister had a kid and was one of the oldest first-time moms her OB had for pregnancy care at the time. I don’t think she was even 30, just not 19.

          2. I know! I pointed out AMA is 35 and she was like “well you’re close, whatever.”
            But this is a region of the country where most women marry by 24-25 and have a first baby by 27-28.

    4. It might help to go to the usual places but ask if anyone is 45+ and form a mini support group via private chat.

    5. Not that complicated really! Donor eggs or embryos, transfer rates are still fine at 45

    6. It’s not age-specific, but I found the anti-toxic-positivity rules of the Infertility subreddit (specifically Infertility, not IVF) to be incredibly refreshing during my time there.

      1. This is interesting, I preferred the tone of the IVF subreddit over the infertility subreddit. Both have great information, check them out and see what clicks with you best.

      2. The IVF subreddit is so depressing. It’s helpful if you want to familiarize yourself with medical terms that you won’t find in the average IVF resource online. But don’t stick around too long if you’re doing initial research. That board will make you think IVF has an abysmal success rate because they’re quick to remove “bragging”

        1. I think you mean the infertility sub! The IVF one lets you acknowledge good things (or at least did a couple years back).

      3. I found the anti-even-mentioning-any-hint-of-success-ever rules of the Infertility sub to be toxic. I also found that the frequent commenters there were so prolific that they created the impression that extreme situations, like needing 8 egg retrievals to get a single viable embryo, are common, when they are not. The combination of those two factors (no good scenarios being talked about and the rare bad scenarios being talked about a LOT) made it a very challenging place for my mental health.

        1. Hit post too soon. I wish there was a place that barred toxic positivity without heavily restricting all positivity. Women should be able to mention that they have a living child or got 14 eggs in an egg retrieval without that sort of factual information requiring a spoiler alert or a specific thread.

    7. To be clear, mine isn’t exactly single by choice, due to some complexities in my marriage, but it kind of looks like that which is why I mentioned unusual situations so as a single by choice is probably not a perfect fit either

  8. Folks have been asking for updates now that we’re at the end of the year. I wrote about a friend who was hosting a baby shower for me and my husband, I was overbearing, and she talked sht and lied about me to my husband during the shower.

    Some of you told me I was in the wrong, so I took your advice and tried to apologize. I wrote her a short text and a short card to thank her for everything she did, apologize for overstepping, and express how grateful I am for her friendship. I did not make excuses for myself. She didn’t respond. I later sent her a birth announcement and holiday card. She didn’t respond, but her husband reached out to us to congratulate us, and we thanked him.

    I had the baby; doctors surprised me with a much earlier than expected induction that ended with an emergency unmedicated c-section. Baby is healthy and doing great. I’m… ok. Baby is an absolute joy. Is it weird to feel like the best and worst day of your life is the same day?

    Friend and I and our husbands always go to an event this time of year and I knew we’d see them there. At my husband’s request, I texted her to break the ice ahead of time. She responded, we saw each other at the event. She did not congratulate me on the baby. She did say hello to the baby, who was with us. Her husband was kind and friendly.

    I’ve reflected a lot on that friendship. Ever since I’ve known her (>10 years), friend has had problems with work, her marriage, and a few mutual friends. I’ve always been the calm nonjudgmental sounding board; I offer advice if she wants it but mostly I offer support. I’m hurt that the one time in over 10 years that I’m a little crazy, she drops me like a hot potato. I’ve realized that I put a lot more into that friendship than I received. So, maybe it’s for the best. It still hurts, though. For now, I’m focused on my little bundle and on healing.

    1. I think you don’t need that negativity in your life right now with the new baby. I also didn’t think you were ever crazy. Congratulations!

    3. You need to let this person go. Trying to distinguish between someone saying hello to your new baby but not “congratulating” says you aren’t looking for a best intended friend. And perhaps she isn’t worthy of that. But it sounds like you still want to fight and that’s not going to ultimately go any better with this relationship.

      I’m sorry the birth was so traumatic. Few people acknowledge it can be that way. Everyone just assumes pure happiness. I wouldn’t expect that someone is going to naturally equate that with circumstances like a job loss or break-up or whatnot, even though the trauma was obviously much, much bigger. I don’t know the dynamics between both of you obviously. But I’m only mentioning she and most other folks are probably (mistakenly) only seeing joy for you right now.

      2. No, OP said the friend didn’t congratulate her on the baby at all, so she’s not only seeing joy. She’s ignoring a major life event.

          1. I mean, when my extremely difficult, rude, obnoxious opposing counsel who I think is a total hack came back from maternity leave, I congratulated her on her baby. So, yes, I think this is common courtesy.

        2. She literally said hi to the baby. The difference between a happy “oh hi baby!!!” and a happy “congratulations on having a baby!!!” is so minuscule as for it to be unreasonable to draw a distinction. But agree that this woman should let that woman go.

          1. I’m so often reminded of how socially stunted many people are. No, it’s not “normal” to greet a new baby with “hello” when you’ve had a fight in a friendship.

          2. Yes, yes, the socially stunted person is the person who can forgive minor grievances, not the person calling strangers on the internet socially stunted…

        3. This! What “friend” doesn’t congratulate their friend on a new baby! Something so simple that an acquaintance would do. Jeesh

      3. Well, it was awkward. When we saw each other, friend greeted us but ignored the presence of the baby. We introduced her and the baby like you might introduce anyone — “Sue, this is Baby Bob, Baby Bob, this is Sue” — and she said “hello, Bob.”

        It wasn’t an excited, “omg look at your new baby!” that essentially functions as a congratulatory sentiment. I think maybe that’s what you’re thinking happened? I agree that that sort of greeting is congratulatory, and it would be petty to be put off by the lack of the word “congratulations.”

        1. I think that seems fine unless she was downright nasty about it. I didn’t see your original post, but it sounds like you two may just want different things out of friendships in general.

          1. +1

            Yeah, time to just step back, and not let this take up so much headspace. Life is busy enough.

    4. I also had a traumatic birth, mine was last December. Totally normal to feel like you are living the best day and the worst day at the same time in your circumstance. I can tell you from experience, it gets easier. You’ll settle into parenting more, the baby’s needs become easier (or feel easier, at least), and you’ll heal more and more with time. As for the situation with the friend, I’m sorry you are hurting. I think this friendship may have run its course.

    5. “Is it weird to feel like the best and worst day of your life is the same day?”

      Hi, OP. I am not a mother, but I do have a master’s degree in psychology and want you to know that this is not weird at all. It is an extremely reasonable and common reaction to experiences giving birth that, like yours, did not go as planned and involved such painful physical procedures.

      If your birth experience continues to weigh on you in the coming weeks or months (like finding it difficult to talk about; trying to avoid thinking about it; having nightmares, still feeling “…ok” or feeling not ok), I really encourage you to consider mental health support if you haven’t yet (therapy, meds, support group, some combination of those three). Many, many new parents have had similar experiences and there are really good resources out there for you if you need or want them.

      I hope you’re able to enjoy your first holiday season with your new baby and that 2026 is full of peace and healing for you!

  9. If you aren’t a regular blood donor (not opposed, not excluded, but you just don’t do it), what might get you to donate?

    For me, I didn’t realize how much blood meant to cancer patients because I couldn’t connect the dots. But they need platelets, which you can’t create synthetically. The platelets get infused to them at a doctor’s office. So many people are affected by cancer, but I don’t think that the blood – platelets issue is as widely known (and if it were, might more people donate blood)?

    I know you can donate just platelets, but my body isn’t great at it. I can give whole blood much easier, so that is what I do. It also helps that I have a few friends who regularly give, show that it’s easy for them, and offer to come with or have lunch or dinner after, so that also socially nice.

    1. I used to donate regularly, since there’s a clinic like 3 blocks from my house, then one too many rude comments from the nurses and I was done. Where I live blood donation can not be compensated, so it was 100% charity.

      1. What sort of rude comments?

        And is blood donation paid anywhere? I thought it was always donated. I know that there are places where people are paid to donate plasma and was always deeply suspicious of that economy.

        The place I go (a 501c3) has started giving away small ($20ish) gift cards if you come at certain times or if you aren’t just a one-time donor. I don’t think that amount of cash would motivate me. I don’t know how that compares to the cash you get for plasma. Sometimes they give logo-imprinted items, like a water bottle, and there are always snacks.

        1. Plasma is hard. The places that don’t pay need to cultivate a stronger culture of donation. As it is, they import from places that pay.

        2. No bodily donations where I live can be compensated (plasma, blood, eggs, sperm, etc).

          I used to donate on my WFH days so I could go in the middle of the day when it was less busy. I would get complaints about ‘ruining lunch’ if I ever took the noon appointment so I tried to take the 1 or 2 then they would make snide comments about how it ‘must be nice’ to be able to come in the middle of the day, as if I didn’t have a job and schedule my whole day around this appointment. There was never an appointment without some sort of jab and I just didn’t care enough to deal with it anymore.

          1. I urge you to leave some feedback about this, so people know. It is terrible to lose a donor for something like this.

          2. If you’ve ever thought of complaining higher up the chain, this is a case where it seems worthwhile to me that someone know how they lost a donor. I doubt you’re the only one who was mistreated.

            My lab is nothing like this; they’re welcoming and warm and appreciative!

        3. In my area, plasma is compensated ($50 per visit), and it is one of the ways very low income people are able to make ends meet when things get dire. Blood donation is not compensated, although the collection sites often give out swag or goodie bags of various items.

    2. I have veins that are incredibly hard to stick. Having blood drawn usually involves blown veins, lots of pain and bruising and a long waiting time. So I don’t do that unless there’s a good medical reason for me to have blood taken.

      1. Here is something I read online and found it to be true. If you lift (nothing major, for me, using 5-pound weights at home for 15ish minutes) the day before or the morning of a blood draw, your veins pop out a bit better, especially if you are also well-hydrated. IDK why this is (and my blood pressure is low at 90s/60s usually), but it made such a marked difference that I am now telling everyone. So now I’m telling you all.

        1. I knew the hydration thing and it helps me a little but not that much. I will try the weight lifting though, thanks!

      2. I’m the same way. Too many instances of going to a blood donation event and walking away with both harms wrapped from missed veins and no blood given. Even in the hospital, they have to get senior nurses.

    3. I’m now excluded, but thanks to everyone who gives blood and to everyone who gives plasma.

    4. If it were easy to do. Every time I search blood donation near me there is literally nothing convenient.

      1. This. I went once about 7 years ago to a very convenient blood drive at work. At that time, the red cross still excluded most people who lived in Europe during mad cow, which I was unaware of. The nurses looked at me like I was a criminal who purposely tried to contaminate the blood and sent me away. At some point in 2021, after the rules were apparently changed, and there was apparently an urgent need for blood donations, I looked at the red cross location in my city several times, and no appointments were ever available. I also asked the person organizing the drives at work if we could clarify whether the eligibility could be clarified (we have about 50% international staff), but they never did.

        1. They could do a little customer service training if they want donations sooooo bad. Also I want to donate blood, not money. The Red Cross is notorious for high administrative costs.

          Lucky for me, the nurse who excluded me for mad cow was like, “I don’t think I’ve ever had ‘affiliated with a military base in German in 1990″ as a reason before!” She seemed excited to find such an unusual exclusion reason.

        2. I’m excluded for the same reason, and I didn’t then, like now, even eat beef. (And if I had, it would have been imported from the US, so not European cows.) Since I’m anon, I will say that for a long time I lied about this. I’m a fast bleeder, have great veins, and donated regularly–noted 56 days on my calendar and went in.

          The last time I tried, they said there just wasn’t a test for for the mad cow antibody or whatever, so the exclusion was still in force.

      2. +1m. Would happily do this regularly (and I’m O neg), but it’d at least be a 2h ordeal for me, and I live 15m from a major city (in close-in burbs).

    5. My skin would need to stop reacting to and tearing from regular Band-Aids. It’s gotten so bad lately that I am putting off a doctor’s appointment because I don’t want to go through the blood draws and what it does to my arm.

      1. I hope it’s not a dermatology appt you’re putting off because there are things that can cause this!

        Adhesives are the devil though; they should be using the flex/stretch tape that only adheres to itself and not the skin. I’m considering bringing my own with me to my lab.

        1. +1

          I am also allergic to most adhesives. This is a very common allergy. I also blister and my skin breaks down. Most of the labs at hospitals now use Cobain (that stretchy stuff that wraps around your arm and sticks to itself) and you should never have a bandaid. Just tell them you are allergic to adhesives and need the “stretchy stuff”. If you are going to an outside private lab that is cheap/cutting pennies, they might claim they don’t have it, so I also keep a roll of it in my bag when I go for blood draws just in case. It is cheap and easy to buy online or in drug stores.

    6. My husband and I were just talking about this — what if there were a blood donation center at the hospital that operated like a cafe? No appointment needed, regular hours of operation, walk in, walk out. Every visitor to the hospital should be encouraged to give blood. I don’t think this exists?

      (He was visiting his mom, who had broken a hip, and had lots of down time at the hospital.)

    7. I feel like people don’t like any discomfort or inconvenience, so I’m not surprised that there are huge unmet needs. I think that there is a subculture of people who feel a calling to give and give every other month for their entire lives. But most people aren’t like that even if they are able to give.

    8. If I didn’t have a vasovagal reaction to blood donation. I can’t give a pint without losing consciousness and feeling sick all day. I can (barely) get through my routine bloodwork only if I’m very well hydrated beforehand. I start feeling hot and nauseas around vial 4-5 and I go downhill from there.

    9. I’m always on the edge of not being able to donate due to low iron or low blood pressure. The problem is that I have to complete forms and sit and wait before they ever run those preliminary tests on me. After being turned away multiple times, I’ve stopped trying. If there were some way for me to have the tests performed first, I might try again. I have asked for this and been denied.

    10. Honestly, if they would SWEAR to me they would abide by whatever contact preferences I choose, and actually stick to that, I would do it. That means letting me opt for something like “you can email me one reminder every 8 weeks but absolutely nothing else, no follow ups, no “we noticed you didn’t schedule, here’s a picture of little Katie who is dying of cancer and wants to know why not”. If I click unsubscribe, honor it.

      Last time I donated, they required a phone number, and when I pushed back the lady running the van said it would only be used for the local public health authority to contact me if my sample was positive for something transmissible, and would be treated as confidentially as if HIPPA were in effect. Then they apparently gave my number away to their whole volunteer list and I was getting calls (from different numbers, so blocking each one didn’t help), daily, pestering me to schedule another appointment.

      1. it’s so true. i f’ing hate that my cell number and everything else has been sold so many damn times. i remember hearing some joke about how we all abandoned our landlines due to congress failing to fix the spam calls… so the spam calls moved to our cell phones, where they also refuse to fix them.

      2. Yeah, out of curiosity, I just pulled up the local blood org on Better Business Bureau and >95% of the compaints are about spam calls/texts/emails persisting even after multiple requests to unsubscribe. Even the org’s responses on BBB are snarky notes that start with “We apologize for the inconvenience our passion for saving lives in your community has caused you” (!)

    11. I am a regular donor. I am really bad at giving plasma but have high iron, so I give double red, which takes a bit longer but means I only go three times a year. It’s one of my favorite ways to contribute, esp as my blood is suitable for babies, which not everyone’s is. Not that I don’t also appreciate giving to others, it is just that not everyone can, so I can keep the supply up. With high iron, it is actually healthy for me to give. They are always skeptical at the intake desk whether I can do the double but then they see. And I can just grab water and cookies on my way out and be fine.

    12. My OB told me that menstruating women with heavy periods should not donate blood because it worsens iron store loss. So it would take me not being a menstruating woman with heavy periods and a tendency toward low ferritin at baseline.

      1. Yeah, I used to donate regularly but stopped a few years ago when I started having trouble with persistently low ferritin, probably related to perimenopause heavy bleeding, and an increase in high-impact aerobic exercise. I’m hoping I can start again after menopause, as my bleeding is still a bit out of control despite attempts to reign it in.

        Whole blood is pretty easy for me to donate, as there is a donor center right near my office, and it doesn’t take long. Platelets or red cells are too time-consuming. And my hemoglobin is often a little too low.

      2. Yeah my current struggle is iron deficiency- unless I keep my ferritin high enough with iron transfusions I have a lot of dizziness and presyncope or actual fainting. It’s impactful enough to daily life that I have stopped donating :(

        1. I am sorry; I hope they can figure out what is causing this for you (be it Celiac, IBD, parietal cell antibodies/low stomach acid, endometriosis, or whatever it is, those are just reasons my circle has encountered!).

          1. It’s often nothing more significant than “is a human who bleeds monthly!”

    13. I am happy to give blood and doing so is very convenient in my city. Unfortunately, I tend to run low on iron. Even if my iron is high enough to give, and it usually is, I’m wiped out for about two weeks while my iron stores come back up. But for that problem, I’d give every 8 weeks.

    14. I used to get bounced for mad cow exposure (went to school on a military base in Germany in the 1990s) but then I tried to donate a few years ago and was told my blood pressure was too high. I’d like to try again I just haven’t had the time to schedule an appointment.

      My church (hippie Episcopal) tried to do it once but it wasn’t very successful since so many of us were screened out. That said, it was back when there were a lot more restrictions (mad cow, being a gay guy, etc.) so it might work better now.

    15. If the Red Cross would knock off the pressure to give too frequently.

      In other countries, women of childbearing age are not allowed to give more frequently than every 12 weeks. Here, it’s 8 weeks, and I’ve found that the Red Cross personnel try to get me to donate as soon as I’m legally eligible. Blood donation makes me feel like crap for a solid two weeks after, and not-great for another two weeks. I’m willing to do it once or maybe twice a year; the insane pressure to constantly donate has me scaling back to once every few years.

    16. I gave platelets several times because I knew two people being treated for leukemia, and they both told me how valuable platelets were. Platelets at the center I used took 2 hours of sitting still with both arms tied to stuff. When they reopened after lockdowns but required donors to mask-for 2 hours, with no hands to adjust-I quit. Giving platelets is hard. The first time was the hardest (I got more used to it, and it got easier), but anyone who is willing to donate under those circumstances should not have been required to wear a mask. I moved soon after, and there is not a donation center convenient to me any more.

      1. If they could give you a single room with a closed door and air filtration, not requiring you to mask might have been reasonable. But otherwise masking needed to happen universally.

    17. I don’t donate blood and never will unless it’s a directed donation for a family member. Nothing will convince me otherwise.

      My husband used to donate regularly because it was convenient. He still does it if a walk-in opportunity is available when he has time. At church after Sunday services is ideal because he doesn’t have anything else going on and is already there. He won’t bother to sign up in advance, though, so it has to be walk-in.

    18. 1) having an organized process, and 2) being able to get in and out in under an hour.

    19. Nothing. I am Mad Cow excluded. And DH passes out. And I really don’t like corporate pressure to donate on site, my medical history is none of their business .

  11. In the spirit of updates – there was a poster three or four months ago who had an offer from Job A and was hanging on waiting to see if she’d get one from Job B, we said here accept Job A if you want it because they might already be getting less enthusiastic, and she said she had. I was one of the commenters in that thread and have been thinking about her and hoping it turned out well! Would love an update if you see this.

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