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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
How fun is this tweed dress from Tuckernuck? I would tread carefully with accessorizing because I think it could veer into costume-y if you lean too hard into the preppiness of it all. Pair it with some black tights and booties for a fun fall/winter office look.
The dress is $278 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes XXS-XXL.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
go for it
Has anyone ordered from tyr.com for swimsuits? I am looking at the bikinis and wondering about sizing and quality
Anonymous
I have swam in Tyr one pieces but not ordered from the site (bought from Ducks or similar). I equate them to Speedo, good quality, run small.
anon
really excellent quality—lasts way, way longer than my lands end swimwear. snug fit—may want to size up.
Anonymous
Really great quality, and the one piece I swim laps in has enough coverage on the rear and stays put.
Anon
Those are racing suits, I used to wear those and speedo on swim team.
BeenThatGuy
Was coming here to say this. I wore this brand for my triathlon days. I don’t recall it being very flattering on my body type but it was extremely functional.
Anon
As an avid swimmer, I shop at TYR.com for all my suits. Good quality, but sizes run a bit small.
Runcible Spoon
Not sure they are known for bikinis, unless for triathlon-type competition swimming. They are well known for sport swimming and swim team suits, as opposed to leisure-type swim suits.
Anon
Those are for competitive swimmers, but the quality is very good. If that’s what you’re looking for, I’d go to SwimOutlet instead.
editrix
Swim Outlet is a fantastic resource. TYR workout bikinis are not for the busty.
Go for it
OP here~ Hey y’all
Thank you for all the info!
Anon
We put LED can lights on our ceiling when we did a COVID era Reno. We were told they’d last for 20 years. They have started burning out and they seem to be some things where it is a Incan unit (can’t replace the bulbs but need to replace the whole thing). Did we get COVID era junk? Or is this just how it is? How do you deal with in your house — just have an inventory in case they ever stop making them?
Anon
Burning out this soon seems off. Ours are going on five years with some being turned on nearly 100% of the time. They are the basic can retrofit ones (eg you just screw them into the light socket from the old can light) so I just have a few extras laying around. Now, the fancy Edison bulbs for our chandelier… that I have a full on hoard of spare bulbs.
Anon
Ugh. Ours aren’t retrofit — whole new cans only ever set up for these light unit things.
Anon
We just did a basement reno and sounds like we got something similar. They are supposedly much more energy efficient than the kind where you screw in the bulb and not that hard to replace (we asked a lot of questions about this and they showed how you take off the collar and clip out the can). I don’t think you have to worry about them stopping making them, as they seem to be the latest thing (unless you mean your specific exact one). On mine you can adjust the lumens to anything you want, so you should be able to match other brands
Anonymous
We’ve never had LED lights last as long as they are supposed too. I heard that they do better if they are not turned on and off frequently so I try to leave them on longer now vs turning them on/off when leaving a room.
Anonymous
Your bulbs/unit may have a warranty. I’d reach out to the manufacturer asap.
Sounds like you got a lemon, this is not expected.
Anon
LED lights are the biggest scam ever. This happens with about 50% of them. Try your contractor for a replacement, ur yeah, you gotta replace the whole can. It’s reason 1,001 I hate recessed lighting (and 100% of the LEDs in fixtures, you’re lucky if you get a couple of years.
Anonymous
This is why I prefer conventional fixtures with LED bulbs, but I don’t know how much longer those will be produced.
Anon
When they last, they tend to last a long time, and the ones that fail, fail quickly. At least, that’s been my experience.
Anon
That is too soon for sure, but you may be able to easily replace them. Most of the newer in-can units are just plug-ins, essentially. You can probably pull the light straight down from the ceiling and see inside. There are usually some wires holding the can in place, and you will be able to see what kind of connection is in there. Pull the connection loose (flip the appropriate breaker off first, of course) and take it to a big box store to match it.
Anon
A continuation of my post from yesterday:
What is your favorite winter parka or combination of jackets for the winter?
Some ones I am considering: Patagonia Tres 3-in-1 parka, North Face Arctic Parka, Fjallraven Nuuk, etc. Some mentioned that a 3 in 1 is usually not a good way to go, but outdoorgearlab rated it decently (not the best). I already have a calf length Mackage coat that is too warm for anything above 25-30 degrees F. I am hoping to not spend another $1,000 on this coat that I plan to wear the majority of the Fall/Winter. Thanks in advance!
Anon
LE is having a 40% off sale today. Anything from them that has the rating you need and good reviews is the best coat for the money and wear like iron.
Anon
OP here: Love this! Thank you for letting me know!
Carrots
My heavy duty winter coat is from LE that I got in 2019 and I still love it. I’m in DC, so it hasn’t been tested too heavily, but I had it with me in PA when they were experience single digit temps last Christmas and it was amazing.
Anon
I love my LE parka! It’s the full-length one and I’m short so it’s ankle length on me and it’s like wearing a cozy sleeping bag. Key for harsh Canadian winters.
Seafinch
Same. Have had it for years and regularly walk two hours or more in -20 weather and I frequently have to unzip it. My mother wears hers in the Northern Alberta oil fields all winter. And you cannot beat the price. I wear the full length Stadium Squall.
Peaches
I had a Lands End down coat that lasted over a decade. I have a Kamik parka now which is decent.
Peaches
If I needed a warm parka tomorrow, this is what I’d buy: https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-insulated-3-in-1-primaloft-parka/id_369043?attributes=28876,43307,43326,44256,44967
Anon
Sold! Thank you!
anon
+1 (or +2?) LE is my go to for around mildly cold weather. Their temp ratings are spot on and the honestly with the prices, I’m not that mad if I’m klutz with coffee. Go to for actual winter is I bit the bullet years ago (before it got super trendy) and got a Canada Goose parka but that is only good for -20C to maybe 10F.
Josie P
I have a Tres parka that I have had for probably 12 years? Still going strong and no issues other than darkening around the cuffs (I don’t clean it very often so that’s probably why). I live in the northeast and only wear it when it is below 30 if I am moving around.
AIMS
I have a quilted Barbour jacket that is perfect for all but the coldest weather in NYC (can layer with it as needed). I have one of their long puffer coats for the really cold days.
Anonymous
Canadian so winter is not short. I have:
Wool jacket length peacoat – Jcrew
Wool mid calf coat – Jcrew
Black mid calf waterproof/windproof insulated coat – Columbia (a random pick after years of being too hot driving to work in my North Face parka)
Ski jacket and pants – currently North Face
Down light puffer jacket (mostly for school run or shopping)
Dog walking long parka windproof/waterproof/very warm – Lands End
Anon
Are your J Crew items older (more wool content) or Thinsulate lined? I don’t like them for warmth and I live far south of you. “Wool” coats in 2023 are “has some wool in it”. I’m looking at Pendleton this year.
Agree that the dog walking coat needs to be both long and warm. The damp cold in the dark morning makes me wish he walked fast vs sniffing every blade of grass that he also did a careful smell inventory of the previous day.
Anonymous
Older but I have a thin Patagonia vest I add underneath if a chilly day and a long walk. I like Jcrew for the tall sizing. I wonder if British brands would still have decent wool content?
Gail the Goldfish
Boden still has about 70% wool in a lot of their wool coats.
PolyD
My 2010s era J Crew Lady Day coats were 96% and 94% wool. It’s almost impossible to find anything with that amount of wool anymore, maybe high-priced brands that I don’t know about.
Vicky Austin
I was recently looking for J. Crew coats on Poshmark and there are loads, in case you are hoping for an older more wool-forward version!
NYCer
Soia & Kyo Camelia-C slim fit classic down coat with large hood. They do have sales sometimes.
Anon
Do these fit true to size? I think they are a sister company to Mackage so wondering if I would be the same size. What temps do you wear yours in? I am wondering if I need a more “Fall” jacket too.
NYCer
I usually wear mine if the temps are going to be under 40. For over 40, I have a lighter puffer. It is a warm jacket, but I get a TON of use out of it in NYC. It is definitely my primary winter jacket.
Re sizing, I do think it runs TTS. I am not at home right now to confirm what size I got, but I can check later and report back.
Anon
I’m in Canada and our weather varies so much, I need more than one coat for the winter.
-a wool coat for mild days/dressing up
-a fleece-lined waterproof coat for milder days, like October and November
-a lightweight puffer for colder days
-a down parka for the coldest days
Anonymous
I have many coats.
Full length, to the lower calf (I’m tall) down jacket from lands end. I wear this on bitter cold days here in MA and for years it was my commuter coat.
I own an actual, high end ski jacket from 2004 that I wear, well, skiing. I also wear it sledding and for shoveling snow.
I also have a lined mid thigh length wool jacket, a Barbour jacket for fall and various Patagonia type fleeces and vests.
Anon
I have the North Face Artic parka and I LOVE it. It’s super warm but I don’t look like the Michelin Man when I wear it. I have had it for about 5 years and don’t see any signs of wear.
Anon
Thanks so much! Do you have more of a mid-range temperature jacket too or just this one?
Anon
I live in Colorado, and I have many coats! For milder temps (40 degrees and above) I wear a lightweight puffer, heavy fleece, or wool coat (with a thin vest underneath sometimes) depending on what I’m doing and how long I will be outside.
Anonymous
Arctic Parka is warmest coat I’ve ever had–much warmer than anything from LE. But I would say far too warm for most daily uses. I live in Chicago and would wear it for commuting or dog walking when we were in single digits or below. Most of winter I preferred LE.
Anon
Thank you so much! I live in Chicago too! :)
Anon
I have a Barbour jacket that is lined, which is perfect for around 30-50 degrees F. It has been a most versatile addition to my jacket rotation, and I’m really getting a ton of use out of it. Highly recommend Barbour for the uses you describe. Live in Chicago and have the following combo that is working out nicely (we have to invest in our outerwear living in this climate!):
– Canada Goose puffer for winter days below 25-30 degrees F
– Barbour waxed cotton jacket with liner for 30-55 degrees F for fall/spring
– Patagonia down sweater for 45-65 degrees F in fall/spring
– Patagonia waterproof shell with a thin fleece zip up for skiing
– LK Bennett navy wool belted coat for professional settings in fall/winter
– Hobbs trench coat for professional settings in spring
Cold lady
What is this for? If it’s for wearing casually, I recommend Barbour. If it’s for outdoor activities, Arcteryx. Patagonia coats are okay, but I find them boxy. If for over work clothes, J.Crew. I am always cold and so have a large collection of outerwear and these are what have worked for me consistently.
Anon
I love my parka from Aritzia. I wear a fleece underneath when the weather dips below 15 degrees- any coat warm enough on its own would be too hot the rest of the time. I don’t love the look of heavy-duty puffers.
I also have a flattering ski-style belted Michael Kors puffer that works above 30 degrees. I wear my fancy wool-blend coat on milder days or when I care more about looking polished than total warmth.
Standing Firm
I need help responding to jerks in the workplace. I work in a male dominated industry as an in-house lawyer and have found that the men here can be very aggressive. Sometimes they say things like “I don’t think that’s true” or similar when I explain the law, other times they send me angry emails asking where something is when they never responded to my last email which required action on their end, and the list goes on. In a perfect world I would react in a way that makes it clear their rudeness won’t be tolerated, but I don’t know how to do that without seeming combative or stooping to their level. I want to channel my inner Madame Secretary and be firm, yet diplomatic. Any tips or tricks or resources I should look into?
No Problem
Them: “I don’t think that’s true.”
You: “Can you cite for me the case [statute, etc.] that contradicts me?” [or if you’re a lawyer and they aren’t, “are you an expert in this area of law?” or something along those lines]
Them: “Where is this thing?”
You: [resends email where you asked for a response] “In my email dated two weeks ago, I requested information from you in order to complete this report. I require a response on items a, b, and c before I can proceed.”
Basically, call them on their BS in a calm and measured voice, make them show receipts. My favorite is if you’re able to respond to yelling or screaming with “seems like you’re getting rather emotional here, why don’t we continue this conversation when you’ve had a chance to control your emotions.”
OP
Great ideas. I tried sending back the last email like you recommended recently and he wrote back “wow” and still didn’t respond to my substantive question. SMH
Anon
That guy’s an asshole and isn’t going to behave like normal people will, no matter what kind of emails you send him. It’s him; he’s the problem.
Anonie
I don’t think it’s necessary to call them on their BS, honestly, and it comes off as hostile when often the client’s rudeness/frustration isn’t targeted at you but at the situation or because of pressure they’re getting from elsewhere. Better to defuse the situation. Who cares if they’re rude? You’re not going to change them, so the key is to make sure to CYA:
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“Unfortunately, that’s what the law says, so if we want to take XYZ business action, it would be high risk for ABC reasons. If you still want to proceed given those risks, that’s fine.” (Or, if some higher level approval would be needed, “I’ll need to escalate with the law department/I’ll need your manager’s signoff.”)
“Where is this thing?”
“I still need XYZ from you before we can move forward, as I mentioned in my email awhile back (attached). Please feel free to set up time on my calendar to discuss live if you prefer.”
No Problem
Ok, well the examples you just gave are also calling them on their BS, just with different wording from what I used. IANAL, so I don’t know lawyer-speak. But I am a human being who has sometimes (rarely, thankfully) dealt with men like this, and pointing out that they aren’t the expert in this situation and/or haven’t provided the input they need to provide isn’t hostile. It does make it clear that you’re not going to be a doormat and grovel and apologize for the sin of being a woman in an authoritative position, though.
S
There is a big difference between the two responses though—the second poster is de-escalating by not “calling them out” but merely pivoting to a solution. The second poster isn’t likely to get a “wow” back from any of these. Best course is usually not getting into an ego match, even when you’re right. Too often I’ve seen it blow up. If that email that elicited the wow were to be forwarded to someone higher up who holds the guy in high regard, it makes you look bad. If you’re always moving to a solution, folks are more willing to trust when you bring receipts (versus just trying to prove them wrong),
Anon
Sadly, I agree with No Problem.
I hate that as a woman I have to navigate men’s egos this way, but to remain a respected, included part of the team, I think her recs are appropriate. It has usually bounced back on me every time I was too.. blunt.
Anon
She’s in house, so I take it that the people she is referring to are her colleagues and it her clients.
Anon
I’m a lawyer (firm and in house) and have dealt with my share of men like this. I find the best course is to remain calm and answer matter of factly even if it shows the fault is theirs. I will say I had an excellent relationship with a man partner who yelled at me one time, and I took a break and said, “I trust that won’t happen again. Let’s get on with the task.” And it never happened again. That may or may not work depending on relationship.
In the longterm, with the exception of the story above, I have never been able to get these types of coworkers to stop being that way. So I’ve never been sad to leave a place where I’ve been abused and my expertise wasn’t respected.
nuqotw
Men like this are exhausting. I’m so sorry.
Anonymous
For the first scenario, I ask: would you like me to send you the applicable statute/regulations/caselaw? They usually back off, or if they don’t, only challenge me like that once.
Anon
Not necessarily recommending this but I would be pretty tempted to say “it doesn’t matter what you think, it matters what is true.”
anon
I work in a similarly male dominated industry in-house. I would change my approach here because what they are telling you – rudely, emotionally, in the least clear manner possible – is that your systems are not meeting their business needs. If you are stopping work on projects while you wait for their required action, is it actually necessary you stop work? If it’s a signature needed, that’s one thing. But if it’s a complicated answer that can’t be settled with one email, they may not have the bandwidth to feed you answers. I make assumptions, state my assumptions so that they can identify them easily, and send out a draft for review. I treat them like the partners I used to work for who would literally hand me a napkin with their idea for a brief scribbled on it in pen and expect a final draft in return with no back-and-forth. In a similar vein, I go to junior team members for information when possible and I chase people down if something is truly urgent.
Does it suck sometimes? Yeah, but we’re an internal service provider. We’re not their stakeholders or their internal clients. I’m there to solve their problems and, recognizing that, they respect me in return.
No Problem
“I would change my approach here because what they are telling you – rudely, emotionally, in the least clear manner possible – is that your systems are not meeting their business needs.”
I don’t think that’s universally true. If you are an in-house lawyer, surely many times what they are telling you is that is that following the law does not meet their desire for how to do things. My friend is an in-house lawyer at an organization with a lot of PhDs on staff. Most of them are men, and a not small number of them have huge egos as a result. A big part of his job is telling these huge ego PhDs who come at him with guns blazing that their approach is in fact contrary to law and will get them and the organization in big trouble if they proceed how they want to, and to propose alternatives that will avoid said trouble. Sometimes that does involve cutting them down to size and making clear that the PhD may be an SME in one area, but he is an SME in the law.
So, yes, you are an internal service provider and you should not make things more difficult for staff if it can be avoided. But your job is to CYA for your employer. It doesn’t hurt to remind people that you are not being adversarial for fun, but to protect your employer and the employees themselves.
Anonymous
Yeah, I have to agree with this comment. I will disagree with the suggestion to turn a draft with questions though – I don’t have much confidence that these guys wouldn’t flip it to the other side without reading. Instead, depending on your relative seniority and the importance of the particular contract, I’d make a note to yourself to follow up if you haven’t heard back on the question.
For the “I don’t think that’s true” comment, I’d actually suggest asking why they think that rather than digging in on your position. Odds are they don’t have an answer or are looking to a similar situation that has enough factual differences that the legal outcome is different, but engaging with them could lead you to investigate a different approach. I get that it’s frustrating to have your conclusions challenged– particularly if the dude is rude or much more junior– but you can’t develop a reputation as the department of “no” if you want to be effective in house. I had a situation in my first in house role (sole lawyer in a start up) where the VP of Product was convinced that my advice was wrong — he kept pointing to competitors who weren’t including the disclosures I advised we needed — he kvetched to his boss and the CEO, he talked to peers at other companies for their take, etc. Finally, I was able to shut him down by getting him to understand that the other companies were violating the regulations but that their particular profile (size, customer base, funding source) made it significantly less likely that they’d get on the radar of a regulator and that the financial and reputational repercussions would be much lower for them. If we hadn’t had the conversation, he would have remained convinced that I didn’t understand or care about the business and would have continued to undermine my reputation with the CEO and CTO. As annoying as these guys are, I do have to remind myself that it would be terrible for growth and innovation at the company if no one pushed limits.
I’m coming at this from the perspective of working as the sole in house lawyer or the head of a small team. If you’re at a much larger company and report to more senior lawyers, I’d strongly recommend getting their advice on how best to respond. You’d want to make sure that your “brand” of service is in line with the expectations of the GC. I’m sometimes shocked by the amount of “no” or “because I said so” my friends in bigger companies say they throw around with their business teams, but it makes sense for their departments and the volume of certain repeat requests.
Anon
I agree with this, except the part about “I make my assumptions… and send out a draft for review.” That’s fine if the required work product is a draft. In many situations, that’s horrifically wrong. Maybe you don’t work in a highly regulated industry?
There are times when you need other business units to be able to explain what they did, in exquisite detail, because you are the subject of litigation or a government investigation. I’ve had some awkward and painful conversations with high level people who screwed the pooch, who really wanted me to “state my assumptions and send out a draft for review.” Whatever I dreamed up would have sounded really good and really logical and made them look good!! And they could have signed off on it because they’re logical, smart lawyer who has a lot of integrity wrote it! But I’m a lawyer, not a fiction writer, so I kept drilling until I was “spoon fed facts.” Then I used those facts to craft our position and save our hides in the face of government investigations.
Anon
+1. This is unfortunately the answer.
Anon
Try telling them to calm down and stop being so emotional.
KIDDING
“why would you say that?” “where are you finding this information?” Questions like this make them back up their position. And usually they can’t.
Anon
Regarding emails with action items: as much as I hate it, I send out reminder emails. It really does help; they get it done and if they don’t, it’s hard to throw me under the bus when I’ve asked for the information four times. I can also escalate it up to their manager.
Regarding the law, I just state the law or reg, and “if you are aware of anything that contradicts that, please send it to me for my review.”
NaoNao
I like to channel Joan Holloway from Mad Men: Sugar on top but iron all the way down and an attitude of “surely you can’t be taking that tone with ME?”
My sympathies though, this type of thing is so irritating.
Anon
I have a client like this currently. He never responds to my emails with questions about the project then gets frustrated that it’s taking longer than he expected (in his mind, I never told him it would be a quick project.) Ugh to be a mediocre white man.
RiskedCredit
They are boxing you in. It happens and you need a senior exec to back you up.
In terms of getting work done, no review takes more than 24 hours and if it does take longer to get an approval, I know why, have questions out to the trading desk and I’ve offered to speak to the relevant people directly. I will often work with the accounting group to make sure I’m fully understanding the economics of the trade for my employer.
The head of the group sees me as a problem who needs to be contained. Their approach with compliance and HR is exactly the same. His attitude is a major risk and no I don’t intend to continue working here longer than I have to. I’m only here because I can’t move back to nyc as my exhusband is straight up abusive. As soon as I’m able to move I’m gone. I value my integrity.
Josie P
Has anyone asked their derm recently how long foundation is OK? IIRC it is 12 months (or sooner if it starts smelling) – has anyone heard differently? Thanks!
Sybil
I just tossed a foundation that I bought in 2013. I wouldn’t trust the spf anymore, but it still wore just fine. It was a pump dispenser so I’m sure the lack of air was a big help, but I’d always just base it off color and texture, not the calendar.
Anon
I would be amazed if a derm knew this. I’d sooner ask a pharmacist.
Anon
I think they’d shrug and honestly not know. If you’re asking at a drugstore and not willing to risk $10 to get a new one, I can’t see people investing in actual knowledge.
I think a chemist would say that things can get nasty amounts of bacteria building up in X months and toss b/c of of that, especially if breakouts are a problem or it’s near your eyes, but otherwise, if you don’t see issues, it’s b/c what might happen isn’t happening with your makeup, so you’re probably find. More finger-touching = more bacteria, so I can see why powder blush lasts for decades and liquid non-pump foundation looks wonky sooner.
No Problem
Most makeup will have a little symbol on it that looks like an open jar with a number next to it – that’s how long the manufacturer says it’s good for. For something like foundation that you don’t stick your fingers into it’s probably 12 or 24 months. I’ve had many makeup products for much longer than that, so I generally go with keeping it until the consistency is off, it smells, or isn’t applying how I want it to (and it used to apply just fine), or I’m just ready for a new product. For a powder foundation, I will change out the powder puff periodically. I clean brushes frequently as well.
Anonymous
Ha! I wondered what that was!
Cat
I just keep using them until they’re done, which is usually 2-3 years. But I don’t have any major skin complaints -if I did perhaps I’d be more cautious.
Anon
There’s a little drawing of a jar with a number next to it that says 6 or 12 or 24, which is how many months it’s good for after opening. It may be on the box you probably threw away rather than the bottle. But there’s no way 8 years was included that timeline.
I’m loosey glossy with a lot of dates but I’m not putting any thing expired on my extremely sensitive facial skin.
anon
Thinking about a jump to a small, young company (consulting). It is mostly contract staff plus a few full-time positions including the one I am up for. What questions do I need to be asking in interviews/conversations?
Anon
Why? Sounds flaky.
Anonymous
I work for one of those. I’m a contractor.
Why do you want to move? For me, it was lifestyle. I have a spouse with a steady job with good benefits. Moving gave me a ton of flexibility, no benefits, unpredictable work but I could pick and choose clients and do things at my own pace. I love it and will never leave.
That said, it’s not for everyone. I’d ask how they generate business, so they have any / how many regular clients, will YOU have to generate business, are you tracking your time and at what rate is your time billed, how are projects managed, what kind of support staff and services they have (how are your slides formatted? Do they have a graphics person or company? Do they use real firms for webinars? Do they have licenses for real platforms? Who reviews contracts with clients- do they have someone for legal?) Essentially suss out how much of this is bootstrapped/fly by the seat of your pants vs a professional firm and then assess against your own tolerance for such. My firm is pretty bootstrapped and I’m fine with it, but me at 25 would have run screaming.
anon
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you!
Anon
I worked for a young company once – what a hot mess disaster. Be honest with yourself about how well you’d do in a “dynamic, fast-paced environment.” Ask about their financials for sure – are they one or two clients away from not being able to make payroll? When do they expect to transition away from contract staff to FTEs? Ask to see the execs’ plans for the next year or two – are they reasonable or pie in the sky? (“Gain 60 new clients! Hire 20 new staff!”) Are they beholden to investors for capital repayment and they want a return on their investment asap? Do they have a proper HR person or just someone doing it as a side task? What’s their benefits package look like? (Be wary of packages promising a percentage of future profits or growth unless you’ve seen the financials to make you think you’ll actually get it.)
Anonymous
I took a job with a similar type of set-up and really do not recommend unless you feel like you don’t have any other option. Some questions that could help sus out if this is a bad move:
– Business Development: what does this process look like, who works on it, what does the pipeline look like if they are willing to share. Basically – is there a risk that billable work will dry up in the near-term?
– Depending on the position, are you expected to bring in business or help with proposal work. Will you be 100% billable on one project? if so, what happens when that project ends unexpectedly?
– Opportunities for advancement, growth or professional development for you or your team – will you only work on one thing, or are there trainings, corporate initiatives, etc to get involved in? Even if you’re not interested, it will give an idea of the culture.
– If you will be in management, will you have a voice in hiring/firing decisions (including contract roles)?
– All the usual questions about culture, benefits, etc.
In my experience, my project unexpectedly ended while I was on maternity leave and they did not work with me to find a new project to roll onto. I was told I could not come back unless I was 100% billable. Trust your gut OP. Don’t move forward with the job if there is even one red flag during the interview process.
anon
Thank you to everyone for the helpful questions and feedback. I have had a few conversations with the company and have been able to get answers to some of these questions but definitely need clarifications. It feels like a decent time life-wise to take a risk but I also wasn’t actively job hunting so I don’t even know what else is out there.
Anon
“Contract staff” is a bit of a misnomer, like “1099 Employee.” There is no such thing as a 1099 employee. You are either an independent contractor working, you know, independently, or your employer is committing employment tax fraud. Tax fraud is a common, though illegal, backdoor means of financing small businesses. If the so-called contractors are all professionals making six figures, neither the state DOL nor the IRS is likely to send anyone to jail, but if they are rank-and-file employees getting stuck paying their own employment taxes and filing quarterly self-employment returns, all it takes is one complaint for the state revenue department to padlock the front door. That is only a slight exaggeration. So, that would be my due diligence: how are they paying everyone else, and who is everyone else?
Anonymous
I posted above that I work for a company like this and you are right. I’ve got my own LLC and several clients; this firm is about 75% of my work though. I’m paid via 1099.
anon
+1 that “contract staff” is likely to be unlawful misclassification. Common, but also shady and wrong.
Anon
Sometimes those people are paid through third party agencies.
AIMS
Has anyone tried the “luxe Italian flannel” suiting from Talbots this year? I am really digging the burgundy wide leg pants & double br**sted blazer and they’re having a great sale right now but reviews seem to be very mixed. I’ll probably order and try just because if it works I think it would be a fun suit to have for the winter but would rather not order too many sizes to try on because I hate having a lot of stuff to return.
Anon
For wool pants that are 40% off, I just ordered my usual size to give them a try. The pleat is a question mark and I don’t love lined pants, but that could be nice for winter. Worth a try, thanks for posting.
Anon
Talbots typically runs one size more generous than other mall brands. (So if you’re a 12 at J.Crew, you’re a 10 at Talbots.)
Anonymous
I’m waiting for them to ship. I’ll report back.
I have a pre-pandemic Italian flannel piece from Talbots and liked it a lot.
go for it
My lipault 20″ spinner has taken a beating and I am ready to replace.
Away hardcase….yea or nay? They are pricey so I am crowdsourcing reviews.
Anon
I love my away luggage.
Anon
Honestly, I don’t. Mine scuffed a lot (so I recommend black vs a color) and is a model with no external pockets. It feels cheap, like it may rattle apart when I pull it at a brisk walking pace on the city streets of the NE US and lug on subways. I won’t replace it with an AwY bag. Before this I had a Costco one that was awesome and also inexpensive. Both were the smallest roll aboard, so not carrying a heavy load.
Anon
I love mine but I do not travel like this, I take Uber to the airport and don’t haul anything on subways or around city streets. I don’t imagine much would hold up well to that type of use.
Anon
You don’t walk even a block or two or go between places? I just cannot with cars in NY, DC, or BOS. Any way, often walking, is better. And salt, winter, and rain wreck every horizontal surface and the bag feels every shock. DC is maybe best for easier gates to get a bag through on the Metro. And I fly into / out of National, so I just get the pass and go where I need to once I’m staying around Farragut West.
Anon
This is typical work travel IMO.
Anon
No, I do not. I take an Uber from my house to the airport and from the hotel to the airport. Why in earth would I drag my bag around town when this option exists.
Anon
When I travel, it often involves flying in early (like too early to check into my hotel) and to Local Office (store wheelie in office), then meetings / lunch / meetings / dinner, then walk to hotel with wheelie bag, then repeat, repeat, home. Often, it is easier to take transit in from the airport or quicker or both (ditto: being dropped close to your destination but avoiding NYC’s gridlock / one-way streets). So my bag has several blocks per trip on it; nothing miles and miles (except when walked in the smooth airport). I’d love something like a Rimowa, but for now, I’m just waiting for my Away bag to die and I’m shocked that something that feels so rickety (the handle IMO feels very cheap and loose). Will not go with Away for a replacement. That said, I see them everywhere, so definitely do something to identify yours or someone making an honest mistake may walk away with a black or navy one.
There was the drama about how the founder is a rotten #girlboss a while back also, but I guess they just waited for the news cycle to die down (I’m not sure they did anything about what I would regard as problematic behavior in anyone on my team).
Anon
Yeah I can’t imagine traveling to NYC (which I have done regularly for a very very long time, sometimes 75% of my work time) and not having occasions to wheel my luggage a few blocks. Like the day you check out in the morning and go to an all day meeting and then head to the airport, for instance.
Anonymous
I hate my Away bag. It doesn’t hold as much as my old department store Samsonite and despite being marketed as carry-on friendly, it only fits without being turned sideways about 50% of the time.
Anon
You should turn it sideways! If you’re one of those people who doesn’t put their bag in sideways and takes up all the overhead bin space, you’re a jerk.
Anon
My hard sided luggage is scuffed too. I think it’s how I store it in my closet maybe? But mine is dark with white scuffs. My daughter has a white Away roller and she has black scuffs so maybe I’m just not seeing the black scuffs on mine, and she’s not seeing white scuffs on hers. I’m surprised she has that much wear and tear because she’s still a student and hardly travels.
Both of us are Uber to the airport people btw.
Anon
My Away scuffed a lot too, and I didn’t do a lot of subways or city streets and never checked it. It also doesn’t hold much as someone said. I think you’re paying for a fancy brand name, not quality. I eventually had to abandon mine in an airport (it was first gen without a removable battery, and United refused to let me carry it on or check it) and I replaced it with a $50 Target spinner and have no regrets.
anon
I have absolutely loved my away luggage. I have both the smaller carry on and regular carry on. Use regularly for work travel. I’m probably a 1-2 times a month traveler. So far, held up very well for 4 years. Major pros: The two sides work well for me, i find i can really compress clothing with their straps. Wheels work well, it consistently fits all of the airlines i fly (american, southwest, alaska). Cons: they really do scuff, so if that drives you crazy i would avoid. I do think the way the bars are placed, you lose more space compared to other luggage i have had. Also, was an adjustment for me to switch to hard case, from having all the extra give/expansion that comes with a soft case. Also, lots of people have them, so if you ever check luggage make sure you have a unique color or some sort of luggage tag/marker.
Anon
Magic eraser works great on luggage scuffs.
Runcible Spoon
Travelpro is a very reasonably-priced brand, if you are ok with soft-sided luggage, and quite long-lasting without getting scuffed or taking a beating. For even sturdier versions, look for the FlightCrew line, which is only available at shops that cater to pilots and cabin crew (but will sell the merchandise to the public from these online stores.
anon
Not Away, but I recently bought a carry-on + checked bag set (hard case) by Delsey from Costco and have been very pleased. They look small but fit a surprising amount and have taken a beating at the airports over the summer, without looking any worse for the wear. Even my husband who is a brand snob was impressed when he used it on a trip last weekend.
oil in houston
Delsey is a top brand in Europe, and my personal fav
Anon
I’m a road warrior.
I never see Away talking about their wheels. They talk about weight and a built in charger, right?
It’s all about the wheels. They take the most abuse. You do not want one or more of your wheels to stop spinning when you’re on a trip. Been there and it’s a giant hassle.
Second most important is the zipper. What are you going to do if the zipper breaks during a trip? They don’t talk about that either, right?
I’ve been through a lot of brand and Tumi is the winner for me. The wheels are great. Briggs & Riley is a favorite here and I’ve had two, but the wheels break. But they’ll fix them for free! Yes they will, but then I have to manage to send them my bag somehow for about 3 weeks to a month, and then what do I do for a bag? I have to buy another. That’s how I got my second Briggs and Riley and got rid of the first. Then the wheels on that one broke and I said f it and went to Tumi and have never looked back.
Eliza
100%
Sybil
There were a couple interesting discussions last week that made me think about walkability. What does that mean to you? I live in a relatively non-walkable large city in the Midwest. I’m on the outer edge of the city. It’s about a ten minute walk to reach two small grocery/shopping and restaurant centers. Larger shopping center is about a 7 minute drive. When I worked in the office, it was a 12 minute drive (prior job was about 45 minutes door to door downtown). Elementary school is a little over a mile and a half away.
I’ve only ever lived in places that need a car. For the people who prioritize walkability, does that mean everything you need in a normal week is literally a short walk? How short? Does public transit count? I’m so curious about all of it.
Anon
In my city, a 10 minute walk often takes longer in the car (b/c parking is something you have to hunt for, even in a garage or lot or find a nearby street), so that to me IS walkable. A 7 minute drive, in a city, is often walkable where I live. I consider 2 miles to be “walkable” and often that is “in sneakers” vs can walk in cute outfit.
My kids were slated to have a 3-mile walk to a bus for a magnet high school and I switched them to our local high school (3 miles away, but has a bus to our ‘hood). Walkable, I then realized, meant “if lugging a 10+ pound backpack, not also lugging a viola while also possibly needing an umbrella on a route that will be dark in the morning at 6am”. Walking 3 miles as a tourist with a small bag = completely different.
Cb
I do the early school run via bike and see people driving from our neighbourhood and I’m convinced it’s quicker to walk if you drive responsibly/park legally. I’m tempted to challenge someone to a race to prove this point.
Anonymous
I am all about walking places and walked to school my entire life but 3 miles is way too far for a daily one-way school commute. The limit is about 1.25-1.5 in my mind
Anon
Yeah I had a 1.8 mile one-way commute to work and after a year I was over it.
anon
Yeah, that’s 2 hours of walking each weekday, assuming no long lights or inclement weather. Wayyy too much for busy teenagers to burden themselves with daily.
ALT
Yes, walkability to me means being able to find what I generally need within a reasonable walk’s distance. For example, in a 10 minute’s walk radius of my house, I have three grocery stores, a ton of restaurants, multiple dry cleaners, a pharmacy, a Target, a public transit station, a car rental place, and multiple churches. If I wanted to go to a museum or concert, I could walk to the subway station and take the subway to the closest station to the end location and walk the rest of the way. The majority of my living could be done without a car.
Anon
I live in a medium size southeastern city that did away with the concept of “walkability” about the time the last mule carts went on the scrap heap and they paved over their trolley tracks. I do not have a car and get around via bike (primarily), walking and public transportation. You just do it. I do not live “in town” since my city doesn’t have a residential downtown anymore. The nearest grocery store is a 2 miles away, but my preferred one is a bit further. My job is about 4 miles away. I do all the same things anyone else does. With traffic and parking what it is, I can get door to door on my bike as quickly as one can in a car.
I do have a bike and gear for hauling stuff – an older touring bike with fenders, lights for both seeing and being seen, racks and panniers. It fits well and is my daily driver. I make a Costco run every few weeks and stop at the grocery store fairly often because I’m perpetually absentminded about some single weird ingredient. Once per week or so I take the bus to work to have a rest day off the bike. I have to be careful about not running late, because my city’s bus headways are 30 minutes or an hour depending on the route. I average about 100 miles per week on the bike, of which 32-40 are the commute to/from work and the rest is other stuff and maybe a fun ride on my road bike. Route planning was probably my biggest challenge when just starting out. What the city and google say is “bike/ped infrastructure” was put together by someone who’s never actually used it on a bike or on foot. You will start seeing your surroundings much differently than you did when you only saw it out of a car window, and better (shorter, flatter, less traffic, past your favorite coffee shop, however you define “better”) routes will become more intuitive.
In the summer, I shower before heading to work, ride in in clean workout clothes and change at work. I enlisted “that coworker”… the one in the office who can be inappropriately blunt (we all have one) to tell me if I ever stink. So far so good. Some clothes transport better than others, so it takes a little trial and error.
I don’t have an e-bike, but see them as a game changer for people who want to go car-lite. They can absolutely replace one car in a two-car household, which is a HUGE cost savings for a middle or lower income family. I just wish some of the ebike riders would act like they were suffering when they pass me going uphill :-)
Cb
100% on the routes. I get off at the station that’s 3 miles from campus, versus the station that’s 1 mile, because the former is 90% residential/segregated cycle lanes, while the latter is a really narrow, busy road with lots of trucks. There also tend to be more city bikes for hire at the further away station.
Anon
With both me and my husband working from home, we could absolutely do one car and uber or rent for those rare times that we might both need a car. I do travel across the State sometimes, but still. But DH won’t give up the tiniest bit of independence at this point in his life. We can afford two cars so it is not worth an argument really. But I will be driving my car into the ground and use the savings for house repairs or upgrades.
Anecdata
I got an ebike and it was absolutely a game changer, in case anyone’s on the fence!
For me, it expanded my “default no car” radius; and I notice I am much more likely to take the ebike on short trips where I need to carry stuff (eg. couple miles for a big grocery store run, or to the park with a cooler and gear); and trips where I’m not able to change clothes (both for sweatiness, and I also feel like I can bike more easily in a skirt/dress on the ebike, because I can just add power or use the throttle if i need to stop pedaling and hold down my skirt for a second).
anon
I lived in chicago for 6 years before just moving back to florida this year to take care of my mom. I loved living in chicago, especially because I did not need a car. Basically, everything i needed/wanted was within walking distance, or public transit. I only did an uber for occasional larger shops/bad weather. For me, that meant I literally had a starbucks in my apartment building, grocery store (whole foods) two blocks away, lots of restaurants in less than a mile, target in about 1 mile. I loved my saturday morning routine of getting coffe, listening to a podcast and walking to all the stores or park or just wherever. I am so sad to be back in florida for a variety of reasons, but in particular I hate driving everywhere.
Cb
I’m in the UK which is definitely having a moment over low-traffic neighbourhoods, low-emission zones, etc. The idiots in the current government have declared themselves pro-car. Not pro-people, but pro-car.
We prioritised walkability when we moved – within a short cycle/less than a mile walk, we can get to school, the GP, grocery store, library, shops, cafes, as well as get a bus into the city. My husband drives to the nearest train station 1x a week, we’ll take the car to swim lessons in a neighboring town, on an outing, etc, but we try really hard not to drive within the town as a family value.
I don’t drive and have an absurd commute (bike, bus, train, bike), but I think I’d rather do that than sit in traffic for 50 miles?
I’m on the active travel committee at the school and regularly flagging issues/encouraging people to advocate for changes to make walking and cycling safer and easier. I know it’s not possible for everyone to walk/cycle, but I feel like if people tried it, they might be like it/be more conscientious when driving?
Anon
I posted below and I totally agree. My in laws are low mobility and cannot walk far, so I’m very aware that not everyone can walk places, but their lives would be much easier if they weren’t stuck in traffic because people are driving unnecessarily.
Anon
I feel like “walkable” describes so few places in America – certain neighborhoods in and around major cities; some small, historic villages built before cars, etc. But really, so much of our country was developed after cars that we aren’t walkable. Europe, sure.
I live in a village settled in the late 1700s and can walk to town hall, the library, and a little country store that today sells sandwiches and snacks. I have to drive for gas, groceries, and everything else. I previously lived in a 1940s suburb that was purpose built to be human-scaled and walked to church and could walk to a CVS, an ice cream parlor, a restaurant, and a wine store if it was a nice day.
Cb
I think it’s also behaviour change though? I grew up in very traditional California suburbia but there was an offroad path that I could have taken to get from my house to high school/the coffee shop/pharmacist/blockbuster etc and I never did it? It would have been a mile tops, but walking wasn’t the done thing.
I would drive to the gym to go on the elliptical but for much of the year, I could have just gone for a walk/cycle ride outside?
Anon
This right here! A huge part of it is simply having the imagination and desire consider getting from A to B differently. No need to go car-free immediately, but planning one trip by foot/bike/bus and executing, then another, then another is totally do-able.
Anon
It helps me if other people walk too. I lived in a place where I could walk to a coffee shop, the grocery store, and a few other places, but I swear people were posting about me on NextDoor whenever I did. Drivers seemed almost unfamiliar with the phenomenon of crossing the street as well. I lasted six months before moving back to a place that is walkable and where walking is common!
Anon
hehe, I lean into it. 100% chance I’ve been the root of a couple of the neighborhood busybodies’ “suspicious person” calls. On a more serious note, one common refrain from people who oppose expanding bike/ped infrastructure is “no one uses it”. With that in mind, I make a point of conspicuously using it – and of claiming space when none exists if it makes me safer to do so (ie taking the lane when necessary). I also keep my city’s reporting app handy and report downed signs, street lights out, signal timing out of whack, debris in the bike lane, etc, etc…. Should the “no one uses it” trope get trotted out, there is documentation that no, Ms. NIMBY, it does in fact get used and here are the logs to back that up.
Anonymous
Agreed! My high school was half a mile away and my mom drove us so often because that was the culture. If there had been a walk to school push we absolutely could have just walked with maybe a ride in the rainiest of days as a treat. We could have ridden bikes to more friends houses as well. But in my suburb there was no safe path to get to an ice cream store pizza parlor etc on foot or bike. Even though it could be added easily.
Anon
In my SEUS city, a lot suburban neighborhoods have their own shopping centers and community pools, so in many ways, they are more walkable to the people who live there than my dense urban neighborhood (where I can walk to a fancy gallery and jewelry store and bespoke yoga trainer, but not a swimming pool for my kids or an orthodontist). I had envy on a trip last week where people could send their non-driving teens and middle schoolers out to get ice cream and hang out with their friends at the pool and I have to schlep my kids everywhere (TBH, bought when I was single, but it’s the sort of place that seemed walkable and is for A FIT ADULT (but not my MIL, who would get tripped up on uneven sidewalks or streets with aggressive traffic or having to walk more than a block) but not for anyone else).
Cat
This is like 90% of the reason we’ve stayed in Philly. Within a 5-30 minute walking radius I can be anywhere from a riverside park, to my office, to dozens of restaurants, to a variety of regular and gourmet grocery stores, to performance venues, museums, cycling paths, Penn’s campus, easy access to Amtrak and Septa trains, etc.
Cat
Oh and as far as walkability — it’s not only distance, it’s walking-friendly streets. Obviously in a city there are sidewalks everywhere, but in smaller towns it might be the same length of walk but on two-lane roads with no shoulders — obviously diminishing pedestrian safety and the ability to walk!
Anon
I live in NYC (outer boroughs) and I have a car and a garage spot in my rent-stabilized building (I am never moving). I absolutely do not need to have a car and only got one two years ago to make weekend trips and driving vacations easier and to help my in laws, who have limited mobility. My husband really loves having a car but if not for him I would almost certainly not have one (or a TV, but I digress).
For anything less than 20 minute walk away, I never drive. I default to taking public transit whenever it is not massively inconvenient. I would drive if it shaves off 30 minutes or more of the transit time vs walking or taking public transit, and if it isn’t going to cost a ton to park (eg we take the subway to the ballet but drive to the botanical gardens). When my kid was younger I regularly walked 5+ miles with her in a stroller and now she can do that a scooter, but will walk 2-3 miles without complaining. My car has been in the shop for a week and a half (we got rear ended at a stop sign) and I haven’t missed it. I use grocery delivery a lot because I find large grocery stores (and Target etc) to be sensory overloading and stressful. I also shop at the farmer’s market (10 minute walk), or the several smaller locally owned grocery stores (mostly the Italian and Russian ones). There’s a bookstore a 15 minute walk away and like 12 coffee shops, and several pharmacies, hardware stores, restaurants, bakeries, our pediatrician… Basically everything that’s an “errand” I can do within a 20 minute walk, counting my favorite plant store and my kid’s favorite (used/vintage) video game store. Except my pharmacy (and grocery delivery), almost none of the businesses I patronize are chains. Work commute is ~1 hour, combo of walking and public transit.
I’m planning to go to a yarn store today after work and it’s about a 30 minute walk away from work and it didn’t even occur to me to take transit until I thought about it when answering your question. I will take public transit home from there though.
Anon
To add one more thought — just like the person above in Philly, one of the main 3 reasons I have no plans to leave NYC is the walkability. I love being in the country but hate the idea of having to drive everywhere. The other two are access to cultural activities (especially museums and performing arts) and diversity (I’m an immigrant).
Anonymous
I have similar thoughts. I live in Brooklyn.
I do all grocery shopping, errands, etc. by walking. Everything is within 5-10 minutes of my house. We do use the car to go to Costco once every 2 months and stock up on things like diapers, paper towels, shelf stable cooking staples, etc. We use Amazon infrequently and for specialty stuff that isn’t available locally. I do most gift shopping (Christmas, etc.) in person. I almost never visit a chain store unless it’s a grocery store – even my pharmacy is local. I get my fertility drugs from a specialty pharmacy a 20 minute walk from my house.
My office is in Manhattan and I work in office once a week so if I need something at a big box, brand store I will swing by there after work. My office is located in a place with a ton of big stores so I just walk over and then subway home.
My rule of thumb is that I usually walk if it’s 30 minutes or less. I’ll take the subway for things that are a 30+ minute walk. My husband will walk if its 15 minutes or less, bike for 15-40 minute walks and subway for anything over a 40 minute walk.
We have a baby and it’s so easy living in a walkable environment. I hate taking the baby in the car. We have 6 playgrounds within a 15 minute walk, and we live a 20 minute walk from Prospect Park, there are 3 indoor play spaces within 10 minutes, there are 10 daycares and 20 nursery schools within a 10-15 minute walk of my home.
I grew up in what I’d consider a walkable suburb. I lived a 25 minute walk from a down town with restaurants, coffee shops, shopping, a move theater, banks, a grocery store, etc. It took 10 minutes to bike down town. I could also walk to a community pool within 25 minutes, and walked to my elementary and high school in 15 minutes. I rarely drove as a teen because of this, and that is how I ended up hating driving and living in a city!
Anon
I chose to live in the downtown area of my city for walkability purposes because I don’t have/want a car. I can walk to pharmacies, grocery stores, post office, restaurants, bars, my dentist, eye doctor, parks, the river, etc. So basically everything I need on a day to day basis. I could walk to work, but it would take like 30 mins, so I take public transit. If I can’t walk or take public transit, I Uber.
Anon
I should also add I use Amazon a LOT for things that you would normally get by driving to the suburbs to go to a big box store.
Anon
TBH, Amazon delivers a lot of junk that no one would get if they had to drive out to get it or pay for shipping.
Anon
Anon at 12:25. Yes, I think about that when I buy something I could live without. Like I just bought a plastic cover for a lightswitch to keep myself from turning off the router all the time. I had tape over it. And it came in a pack of two so I have an extra that will live in a drawer till I die.
Anon
Yeah, I live in Center City Philly and literally everything I need is walking distance. I am 1 block from a hardware store, nail salon, and pet store, 2 blocks from a grocery store (with 3 more within a 10 min walk), a 5-10 min walk from a few pharmacies, a liquor store, and 10-20 min walk from tons of shops: Target, clothing stores, book stores, etc.
My closest coffee shop and convenience store are literally across the street from my apartment. My closest park and the closest bars / restaurants are a block away.
My office is a 20 minute walk. My gym is a 10 minute walk. My doctor, eye doctor, and dentist are a 15-20 min walk.
I live 5 minutes from one subway line and 10 minutes from the other subway and regional rail. I occasionally use the subway to go to certain things (maybe once a month). I use regional rail to visit relatives and friends in the suburbs (2-3x a month). If I visit friends in other cities, I usually take the bus or train (about once a month).
I have a car, but I actually keep it at my brother’s house in the burbs. I only use it to go skiing, hiking, or down the shore.
When I eventually move to the suburbs, I want to move to an area that’s still walkable. I grew up in MontCo and in the town I was in / nearby towns it’s quite possible to be walking distance to the train, several restaurants/ bars / shops / coffee shops, parks / playground / pool, church, elementary school, etc. Necessary things like grocery stores and Target aren’t usually walkable but other things are.
Anon
Having sidewalks is part of it. If the main road that in right next to my subdivision had sidewalks and walk lights, my area would be walkable-enough (I could do a mile to Starbucks, Panera, etc). It doesn’t, so people take their life in their hands when they walk instead of drive.
I’ve lived places that had sidewalks, walking trails, or roads plenty wide enough for pedestrians, and it was possible to walk to the train station, grocery store, cute downtown shops, etc.
Anon
To me, bikeability is even more important than walkability. My ideal city would have a totally cohesive network of separated-from-the-road bike trails and paths. Biking is so efficient and so fun and it makes errands much easier.
Anon
BUT biking is good for the biker and yet not for pedestrians (crossing the street where there is a bike lane is nutty — the bikes will not stop or slow or yield). I feel like biking works in The Netherlands and nowhere else but college towns (traffic is lighter and slower). I love biking. But I drive my bike to a greenway now b/c everyone is rushed and rude and unsafe.
Anon
If you can manage to cross a street when there are several wide lanes of multi ton vehicles going 3x the speed of a cyclist, you can manage to cross a bike lane. Cyclists aren’t a monolith any more than walkers who go 4 abreast in the multiuse are. We need better bike/ped infrastructure, period, and this sort of attitude isn’t helpful. Get out there and ride and set a good example. Cars and badly designed roadways are the problem, and framing it as a cyclists vs peds thing is actively harmful to fixing it.
Anon
I disagree, I think a well-designed system is great for both bikers and pedestrians. Of course many places don’t have that and need a lot of improvement. I think it’s CARS that are bad for everyone.
Anon
Have you not almost been run down by a bicycle? I’m in a walkable area and that’s a far bigger daily hazard to me than autos.
Anon
No, absolutely not. We’re on the same team – cyclists and pedestrians, that is, people trying to get where they need to go without a private car.
Anon
This pedestrian is not on the same team as anyone who mows me down w/wheels.
Anon
Unfortunately this has often been my experience with bike lanes in NYC. I’ve been almost hit by a bike when crossing streets when I had the light. It’s gotten worse with eBikes. This is definitely a jerk-on-a-bike problem, not a bike lane problem. These people were doing the same thing in the middle of the street before bike lanes.
Cb
I always have a smile on my face when I’m cycling, it may be raining but at least I’m on my bike.
I just got a new bike last week and it’s such a luxurious ride in comparison to my old clunker. Bike tires, microshift, comfy seat.
Anon
I couldn’t agree more. I think it would be such a great thing if more women got into biking.
anon
We live in a highly walkable area in an otherwise notoriously car city in the US (Houston). For us, this means that weather dependent, we generally walk to restaurants and bars for dinner on weekends, have a corner store or grocery store that is a quick walk (10 minutes) for when you are about to bake and run out of sugar, and otherwise have the ability to walk and get coffee in the morning. We still drive to work (live in the South so office climate and outside don’t match) and the grocery store (too many years in university pack mulling groceries). On average, we put a few thousand miles on our cars per year.
AIMS
NYC. Maybe the most walkable place in the country. Very few people have a car. For me, walkable means I can walk to most places I routinely go with reasonable ease and things that I might need are a quick walk away. So there are a few areas of NYC that are not as walkable – for ex., you would need to walk 20 min. to get to the nearest drugstore or deli/supermarket and while they are technically part of the City and “walkable,” I wouldn’t consider them a walkable neighborhood and I wouldn’t want to live there. For me, it really means I can walk to dinner, to get coffee, get groceries, run out for Advil if I need to, have a doctor’s office that I can walk to and from for, take my kids to school without a car, etc. I know this is very hard to come by in most places. I also don’t usually walk to work even though I suppose I technically could (it would take an hour+), but that would be my ultimate dream. One thing I cannot ever do is live somewhere without sidewalks. I totally understand how some people like living in the suburbs and driving places (it’s certainly more convenient than carrying groceries home!) but how anyone though it was a good idea to make entire neighborhoods without any sidewalks for kids or dog walks or whatever is just beyond me.
Anonie
Walkable to me is:
– Sidewalks or quiet roads the entire way (no walking on the shoulder of a highway or cutting across a Walmart parking lot)
– Trees or tall buildings providing shade along the routes
– Restaurants, parks, and a corner store within a 5-10 minute walk
– Preferably more specialized needs like school, library, public transport within a 15-20 minute walk
– Reasonable weather for walking (Texas in the summer is not walkable even if all the above are true)
Anonymous
I consider where I live walkable. Most weeks I do not use my car at all. I can walk to stores, parks, friends, doctor, dentist, dance class etc. I commute by walking to public transit, taking it ten minutes, and then walking to work. I wind up using a car to visit family or take day trips. And I have groceries and cat food delivered.
Anon
I live in Chicago near downtown, and almost everything I need is walkable or reachable by public transit. I have a car that for about 10 years sat in our attached garage all week long and we only drove on the weekends to the grocery store (because I couldn’t lug a week’s worth of food while walking) and to visit my siblings/parents/nieces in the suburbs. We have a grocery store, pharmacy, UPS store, dry cleaners, restaurants, farmer’s market and my children’s school all within a 2 block radius of my home. We live about 1.5 miles from Northwestern Hospital, so all our doctors, dentists, etc are also walkable or reachable by public transit. My job, until recently, was about 1.5 miles from my home, so I could walk there in about 30 minutes or so, or take a bus if running late or in inclement weather.
I recently changed jobs to a really unique role, but my office is now in the suburbs about a 45 minute – 1 hour drive away during rush hour. I thought with a hybrid schedule I could handle the commute just a few days per week (it was closer to 30-45 minutes when I accepted, but now there is a multi-year construction project closing down highway lanes and causing massive gridlock), and I’m finding the driving to be unbearable. I’m much less active, I have gained about 5-10 lbs in a year, and the stress of sitting in gridlock and being far from my kids school in case of an emergency is really wearing on me. I don’t know how people deal with driving everywhere.
anon
I live in a small city in the Bay Area. To me, walkability means that it’s safe and pleasant to walk to a lot of things. In my neighborhood, there are a lot of shade trees, roads are on a more human scale, and parking is street or smaller lots (not like the giant entrances/exits to get to a shopping center that has a few big stores). A lot of people walk and bike, so drivers are more aware of pedestrians and cyclists.
I could do almost everything I need by walking and biking and have, when I had less money. It’s common in my community to buy a car if it’s in the budget, and I’m glad to have one now. It’s very convenient to be able to drive as needed.
Anonymous
I’m in a suburb where we can walk less than five minutes to the local coffee shop, post office, library and a few restaurants and fun shops plus some quirky kid friendly museums and a waterfront park. That said, my car is absolutely essential for almost everything else. So it’s not a walkable lifestyle but I do value being able to walk some places anyway.
Anon
I have owned two houses, my first tiny house and my current family house. Both houses have been about 1 to 1 1/2 blocks from shops and restaurants. I can walk to public tr—it from either house. It was EXTREMELY important to me in house buying, maybe the first factor, and I’ve never regretted it. My current walkability score is 94. My old house is rated 96.
I thought some more about this and part of the reason I really like being walkable to things, it’s because parking sucks around here. Lots of people street park in my neighborhood to go to the same places I walk to.
https://www.walkscore.com/
Anon
I live in a Midwest college town. I wouldn’t describe our area as super walkable (we’re in a residential neighborhood several miles from the university, without a lot in the way of businesses) but we can walk (0.7 miles) to elementary school and that has been life-changing, especially with working from home. We can also walk to a grocery store (though if we’re buying a lot we’d normally take the car) and a gym/parks & rec center.
wedidwhat
I read through the thread and it is really interesting how so much of the US infrastructure does not accommodate pedestrians and bikecyclists. Where I live (Scandinavia) the only places that aren’t walkable/bicycle-able are because they are so remote that the distances makes it unworkable.
I tried biking in rural areas, and it just takes too long, and because of the open fields, the wind was too harsh.
Anonymous
I live in a walkalbe, public transportable city and have prioritized that. Within 15 minutes are three major groceries. Within 45 minutes I can walk to my office, place of worship, the two gyms I visit, most of my friends who live in the city, and innumerable restaurants, museums, concert venues etc. I might take the bus or subways to speed that up, but at minimum, I can be there in 45 by my feet alone. Being that close also means if I’m running behind, or it’s pouring, or I bought something heavy, or it’s quite late – a cab is a cheap enough indulgence.
I have prioritized living in walking distance because I love the way it weaves activity into my daily life, I love the way it seems to make my friends eager to get together because we live close and they also aren’t concerned about parking, I love how it makes me more mindful of my surroundings and nature.
Anonymous
I’m in a suburban type town and I thought the only thing walkable to me is the library and a local community center/park, but I just google maps’d it to see how far it is and I’m actually a reasonably walkable distance to the Target, movie theater, a couple of restaurants–except I don’t think the sidewalk goes the whole way and I’d have to cross a 4-lane road to get there. So not exactly walking friendly. But there are pockets of our city that are designed to be walkable–a lot of new mixed-used developments, or townhomes near shopping centers, etc. Those also are typically the more expensive areas. I used to live in NYC, which was obviously extremely walkable. Having done both, I’d like a mix. I do not enjoy walking to the grocery store and having to lug my groceries back. I would like to be able to walk to a restaurant or coffee shop or drug store.
Anonymous
I live in Europe, and to me it is both literally in the sense of what is available to me within a walking radius, and also what is available in a walking radius from a short ride on public transport.
Where I live the closest proper grocery store is a 1 minute walk from my door. Hairdressers, drug stores, gym, sushi, container store, florists, bars, bakeries, dentists, GPs, all within a 3 minute radius. REI, hardware, vet… all within 5 minutes. Public transport 3 minutes. Kindergarten 5, schools 10. There are sidewalks, bicycle lanes, bikes for hire, congestion charges and electric car chargers. Around 20 minute walk to a theatre, 10 for music venue.
If I add public transport, anything I could possibly want is available without a car.
anon
Trying to decide if I should buy an air fryer. Just me and my husband, no kids. I WFH so I eat a lot at home, but sometimes lunches are just frozen Trader Joe’s meals. I already have a toaster oven for heating up small portions of food. I’ll use the oven if I’m roasting veggies or something for dinner. I’m leaning towards not getting one because I feel like it would be redundant.
Sybil
If you’re having to look for uses, it’s not for you. People seem to love them but I also have no need and no extra counter space.
Cb
Yeah, same. I can’t figure out the use case for an air fryer as a family that cooks a lot, but not a lot of packaged stuff? I like my instantpot and I really want to replace our toaster with a toaster oven but I’m waiting for it to break (9 years old, surely it must be soon?)
Anonymous
We were gifted one and don’t really use it much and it takes up a lot of counter space. If you already have a toaster oven, I don’t think you need it.
Anon
If your oven has a convection setting and you already have a toaster oven, it’s redundant.
Anon
+1
Anon
The use case is frozen chicken nuggets and similar. My sister, who has 3 kids loves hers. I am fine hearing up food in the oven and don’t consume frozen snacks enough to make this worth it. If I want roasted vegetables, I do those in the oven.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
I have a toaster oven with an air fryer function, and even with 2 kids we just….don’t really use it. The times I have, I don’t get the hype. We also don’t eat a lot of frozen chicken nuggets and French fries at home (trust me, we get our fill outside of the home).
The toaster oven, though, I cannot live without!
Anon
I do think it’s for people who eat a lot of frozen food like tots, pizza rolls, dumplings etc and want it crisp rather than the way the microwave makes everything soggy. I don’t eat that much frozen food either.
Anon
I didn’t see any reason for one and then I got one. I use mine nonstop.
PolyD
I have a very small one that sits on the bottom shelf of my butcher block/counter space I added because I have no counter space in my kitchen. I kind of love it, I use it a lot more than I thought I would.
It’s great for reheating things that you want to be a little crispy, and it’s nice to have if you are making things that have different cooking temperatures. It also works well for cooking frozen onion rings, and I’ve made some quite good fried tofu in it.
That said, I don’t have a toaster oven, so I don’t know if an air fryer would be superfluous if you have one of those.
OP
Thanks for the feedback! If I didn’t already have a toaster oven, I would probably consider it. I jumped on the Instant Pot train and now rarely use it so I don’t want to be stuck with another appliance.
Anon
My instant pot sits deep in a cupboard, feeling rejected after the novelty wore off.
Anonymous
We use ours to make breaded chicken and pork cutlets. We have them with various sauces/sides or in sandwiches. We’ve also used it for veggies and things. Ours is an oven feature though, so its somewhere between a real airfryer and a convection oven.
An.On
We have an oven setting for air frying and the only unique use I’ve found for ours is cooking up bacon for BLTs – it’s SO much easier than monitoring and flipping and has minimal grease mess. Otherwise, I feel like our oven and toaster oven do a fine job crisping things up.
Anon
I use mine several times a week for protein (I make steak, chicken, and fish in it), vegetables, reheating leftovers, heating sandwiches (if you like toasted sandwiches, it’s the best), and yes, frozen snacks for football watching.
I meal prep my lunches, which are my main meal, with my oven / stove, but then cook my (basic and quick) dinners in the air fryer.
Fwiw, I live alone, only eat “lazy” dinners, and don’t have a toaster oven but I use it all the time. Last night I air fried a tuna steak and some cauliflower and it was great.
Anon2
They are excellent for homemade French fries (meaning, you cut up a potato, not pull a bag out of the freezer). They cook vegetables a lot quicker than roasting them, and they taste just as good or even better.
But as a stand-alone appliance it takes up space, has a small capacity, and generally isn’t worth it. When you replace your toaster oven see if you can get a combo…or, what we did, get an induction stove/oven with an air fryer feature. We use that feature many times per week.
Anonymous
we mulled over getting one for about a year because we also have very little counter space. it lives in a cabinet and we pull it out when we need to use it. i have to say that we LOVE it. we use it for: frozen spring rolls, making chicken tenders (so so so easy and delicious – dip chicken tenders in egg and then seasoned breadcrumbs/panko then air fry and theyre healthier and amazing), frozen scallion pancakes from trader joes, roasting fish in a contained/easy to clean space, reheating take out leftover fries and chick fil a lol, cooking bacon in a very contained/easy to clean space. we just got the cheapo gourmia from costco
Anon
If you don’t want an extra thing sitting out, microwaves with convection bake options (sometimes called a speed oven) are basically the same thing as an air fryer.
Anon
Today’s pair of articles in the Post (by Achenbach et al) and Times (by Case and Deaton) is disturbing.
It is clear that unless you are in the more fortunate “haves,” it is virtually impossible to live a healthy life within the restrictions imposed on you/your environment by legislative choices that favor corporations over individuals and policy choices that favor shareholders over customers.
Voting is the obvious answer, but it seems that voters who most suffer from their elected officials’ choices are least likely to vote against them. Why? Do we have any psychology experts here who can explain this phenomenon?
Anon
Voters will explain their reasoning if you ask them.
Anon
Yep! There are tons of articles and analysis of this.
Just because you don’t agree with their reasoning doesn’t mean they have no reasoning.
Anon
+1
anon
Honestly people choose to make bad choices. Having babies outside of a stable relationship, smoking, choosing to start using drugs, the list goes on. Many members of my family, my husband included, did not go to college and have outstanding careers earning well into the six figures. I see no need to prop up people who choose to eat junk food, smoke, or resist any attempts to better themselves.
Anon
I grew up in a working class family that has lived in the same area for several generations, so lots of extended family around all the time. I agree with you, but I also saw how difficult it is to break from these patterns, especially with the confirmation bias that others around you are eating the same as you, etc., and still doing fine. My grandparents lived to their late 80s eating lots of red meat, fried and/ or processed food, desserts, smoking until they finally quit in their 50s, etc. My dad, sadly, lived a lot of the same way and died at 63.
I also think it’s true when you work in a factory and have a 30 minute lunch/dinner break, you’re going to grab what you can take in with you and quickly heat up that will fill you up for the rest of your shift. That generally is not salad and fresh vegetables.
Seventh Sister
My UMC boomer parents don’t have a wildly different diet than my working-class boomer cousins – both eat plenty of junk food, desserts, red meat, etc. (We’re the GenX weirdos who don’t have potatoes at every meal and rarely do an organized dessert.) I think the real difference in their health is that my mom and dad worked in offices and hospitals, mostly sitting down, in a metro area with a lot of jobs. My cousins live in a Midwestern city that has been losing population since the 1970s and has maybe one or two decent hospitals. One worked in a factory, the other worked as a cleaner.
To be frank, I don’t think that refusing to “prop up” people who eat junk food is worthwhile. Getting lunch at a fast food place and buying your kids Happy Meals gets them out of the house for an hour or so and a nice safe place to play. Going through a drive-through gets you a warm meal which is nice if you live in a motel where you’ll get kicked out for using a hotplate. Trying to improve school lunches and support food banks is where I’d like to see my tax dollars at work.
Anon
Anon at 9:52. You really need to do more reading on generational poverty and trauma. Given what is now known about epigenetics and the trauma response, many of the folks who you look down on do not really have a “choice” in the way you think about choice from your place of privilege. Add to that, the lack of safe spaces, grocery stores and mentorship and you have a never ending cycle. Have you tried mentoring any teenagers?
anon
As someone who grew up in poverty and has experienced more than my fair share of trauma, the way I have heard my friends who grew up secure and privileged talk about this really rubs me the wrong way. We all did have choices. That’s not to say that there aren’t real obstacles and it’s less of a “choice” than a lot of folks make it seem. It is tough on my end to hear people like me and my family made out to be helpless and like we have no choice. We do. It’s just super shitty and there are a lot of systemic challenges and constraints we have to deal with. We’re playing the game on expert level and things do need to change but we aren’t 100% helpless.
anon
I literally wrote that my family is filled with people who didn’t graduate college and I’m married to someone with no college degree either. Love how that makes me privileged? My people are exactly the ones being discussed in that Times article. Quit your patronizing take- it’s a big part of why liberals don’t do well among the working class. Being poor doesn’t mean helpless and it does no one any favors to act like it does.
Anon
Are you related to JD Vance? He failed to appreciate his own innate intelligence and the love of his grandmother helped him make better choices.
Anon
As with most things, the truth lies in the middle. Unfortunately, one end of our political spectrum seems focused on penalizing and judging people, while the other seems to just bemoan “the system” and won’t entertain conversations about personal responsibility.
I know it is very, very hard to live mired in poverty without positive influences and support systems, and personally lean more towards compassion than punishment. But we need to find some sort of balance.
Anon
I grew up extremely poor, immigrant, and in an abusive family (that I have no contact with as an adult). I had to work extremely hard to get out of it and was lucky to have been born with the genetics for intelligence, reasonably stable mental health, and decent looks (it definitely helps). I also had a lot of lucky breaks along the way, including not getting pregnant the several times when I made less than stellar decisions. Because I know exactly how hard it was to get out of these environments, I have a lot of sympathy for those who can’t do it. I think as a society we should provide supports like education and vocational training, access to medical, mental health, and addiction treatment services, housing, and usable public transportation, for everyone who wants it. Many of those who make terrible choices do so as a response to trauma or not understanding how to access the other options. If we made appropriate supports available to those who want them, there would be many fewer people “making terrible choices.”
Anon
Here, here. I remember how hard it was to get up and away from, and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I attribute much of my relative success (a pittance compared to how lots of folks talk on this board) to pure dumb luck as hard work. Plenty of people work their asses off their whole short lives and all they get is a short eulogy and their family left with a stack of bills.
Anonymous
I don’t have a direct answer, but I know telling people that they are voting against their interests doesn’t and has not worked.
anon
Yeah, and typically people aren’t voting against their interests – they’re prioritizing other interests that may not be as visible to you depending on your particular ideological lens, or they perceive their interests as being different than you are.
What I tell people asking this question is to go watch the old Barack Obama campaign video “Life of Julia.” For some people, Julia’s life is an ideal future state; for others it’s a nightmare. Or put another way: would you rather have free college for your kids or be financially secure enough to pay for college for your kids? The answers to those questions reveal a lot about what people prioritize and how they view the role of government. I find that a lot of my professional-managerial class friends truly do not understand the degree to which a big segment of the population in this country finds the idea of independence and self-sufficiency more compelling than the idea of material security provided by the government.
Anon
Exactly! I live in a red state and grew up in a very rural area of said state. The last thing my family members want is some liberal coming in and telling them what their interests are and how to vote for them.
Anon
But they’re OK with elected officials telling big box stores/large manufacturers/fast food companies that they can take advantage of your family members by working them hard, paying them nothing, requiring shifts that don’t allow for exercise or sleep or healthy eating?
Anon
There’s a certain kind of liberal who just loves to tell people what’s best for them too; it’s exhausting to me even when I’m generally on the same side.
Anon
Anon at 11:23 — You can think whatever you want about their calculus. I happen to agree with you, and I don’t vote the way my family members do. But my point is that using that kind of rhetoric is ineffective and makes them dig their heels in more. By the way, my family members aren’t working at big box stores and fast food restaurants, and certainly not by choice. To the extent they must work for those places, they view the liberals as the people who want to ensure they stay in poverty with high taxes and making it more difficult for good manufacturing jobs, etc., to stay in small areas.
Anon
Big “corporations” often have better pay and benefits vs small businesses that have no economies of scale. FWIW, we rail about this but what do we pay daycares for? And nannies? Do we give them health care and 401ks and workers comp, especially when we deal with nannies? Do we reimburse mileage and obey wage and hour laws? Do we even pay on the books so that people accrue social security credits? We really do seem to be the worst of these — individual employers. Working for big companies is often better long-term and short-term.
Seventh Sister
I’m a liberal and when someone marches up to me and starts lecturing me about how to eat, or how to get to work, or what my kids ought to do for lunch, or why I MUST support x local policy, I reflexively want to do the exact opposite thing just to irritate that person.
Anon
@Seventh I see you’ve been to Berkeley.
I could not live anywhere else, I’m convinced of that, but there’s always someone like the person you describe. Maybe there are more of them here, or maybe I just have bad luck! I try to remember that 99% of people are normal and not trying to lecture me. The ones that do are the ones that stand out.
But I’ve also gotten a super right wing lecture from randos too, so I figure there are similarly outspoken weirdos on both sides.
Seventh Sister
Indeed! I joke that my neighborhood is basically Berkeley South or Portlandia: West LA Edition. There’s a particularly Californian tendency to view even polite disagreement as hostility, so I find myself nodding along, waiting for an opening, even when I really want to say, “Gee, it would be SO easy to bike everywhere if I didn’t have a job and my parents had given me a $2 million dollar house in a pedestrian zone!” I get fairly few right-wing lectures, probably because I dress like a suburban soccer mom with a Talbots addiction so I blend.
Anon
@Seventh Sister
Not entirely related, but years ago I went on a couple of dates with a guy who lived in California and was interviewing for jobs in NYC (where I lived at the time). I so clearly remember him saying, “it’s so nice to be somewhere where I’m actually allowed to disagree with people!”
Anon
“I find that a lot of my professional-managerial class friends truly do not understand the degree to which a big segment of the population in this country finds the idea of independence and self-sufficiency more compelling than the idea of material security provided by the government.”
Along these lines, a good read is “American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America,” by Colin Woodard. It does a great job explaining why certain swaths of the country value what they do.
Anon
Anon at 11:23, in my experience they don’t see any difference between the two political parties on that type of issue (day-to-day working conditions like breaks, etc). There just really is no difference in your daily work life as a working class person if a Democrat or a Republican is in office, for the most part.
My family was always more concerned with jobs going away entirely and were willing to work whatever it took to hold onto the ones they had. Short of increasing more of those types of jobs, I don’t see how that changes.
And, if anything, the current out of control inflation is way more damaging to the daily life of a working class person.
Anonymous
“would you rather have free college for your kids or be financially secure enough to pay for college for your kids? “
It’s very American that these are considered as an ‘either/or’. The clear answer is both which is already what exists in most of Europe.
Anon
Okay cool, but Americans are not Europeans, and this doesn’t do anything to help understand why certain Americans vote the way they do.
Seventh Sister
As an American, I think it’s ridiculous that we live with the possibility of being bankrupted by medical debt. NHS and other national health care schemes aren’t all sunshine and rainbows, but I’d rather have my health care rationed by a government that is at least somewhat beholden to voters, as opposed to a corporation that only cares about profits.
That said, I’m not as enamored of the European educational system. Yes, college is free, but lots of people get shunted off to vocational or technical training based on what they were like as fairly young children. You get a lot of second (and third, and fourth) chances in the American educational system.
Anon
I’m honestly pretty nervous about American voters getting vote on who gets healthcare and for what!
anon
+1 million.
I could write a novel about my widowed MIL who lives in Alabama, a truly god-fearing woman. I didn’t know what that phrase meant until she relocated to AL to live closer to her extended family. It’s….. next level. However, she’s finding out the hard way what her state’s policies are and how they impact her. And yet, so long as someone tells her that the democrats are going to take her guns and support abortion, there’s absolutely no way she’s going to vote another way. It is illogical, irrational but such is my MIL.
Anon
Is voting the obvious answer? Who exactly would we vote for to take chronic illness seriously? We know risk of new onset heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune disease, and kidney and liver damage have all increased by quite a lot with a new virus on the scene. Who is working on reversing the hospital consolidation incentivized by the ACA? Who is working on encouraging people to go into healthcare professions (for example, by decreasing the student debt burden)? Who is working on keeping doctors and nurses in the profession instead of burning out and suffering moral injury from working while understaffed and without adequate PPE and without enough time to provide good care for patients? Who is trying to stop the private equity acquisition of healthcare systems and care facilities that is so strongly associated with worse outcomes for easily understood reasons? I would love to vote for such a candidate.
Anon
Actually, Congress is super focused on these issues. The Senate HELP Committee just passed a big package on primary care workforce issues two weeks ago. Bernie Sanders and Roger Marshall (R-KS) led it. Follow the health committees to stay up to date – Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions and House Energy and Commerce.
https://www.help.senate.gov/chair/newsroom/press/news-sanders-and-marshall-announce-bipartisan-legislation-on-primary-care
No Problem
Voting isn’t the only answer, but it is one of them. Voting for politicians who follow science (vaccines work) vs. those who don’t (vaccines are the tool of the devil), for example.
Many of the problems you describe relate to the profit motives in healthcare. This is why many progressives want to move to a single payer healthcare system/universal healthcare, or, even more “radically,” government run healthcare. Take away the profit and redistribute it to paying nurses/techs more and requiring better staffing levels. This leads to a better workplace, which incentivizes more people to enter the field. Will that kind of system ever be perfect? Heck no. But as we see in other countries that have universal healthcare and government run healthcare, people don’t wind up under mountains of debt because they had an accident or have a chronic illness. I really wish someone would do the math on how much it would cost the average person in taxes vs. how much they are paying in insurance premiums to move to universal healthcare because I bet it would be a lot lower.
Anon
This!!!
Anonymous
https://spheresofinfluence.ca/meritocracy-us-republicans-democrats-voting-elections/
Anonymous
I am increasingly becoming convinced that requiring all high school graduates to have a solid understanding of the principles of economics, including market failures and the role of government in a market economy, is the only way out. Voters need to demand regulation and government provision of public goods, but they have been brainwashed into believing that both of these things are bad for the average person.
Anon
Non-sequitur, but I think a national standardized high school graduation test would go super far in improving society. Heavy on civics, please!
Anon
And math, pls. I feel like an honest national math test would point out how rotten math education is and how we have robbed so many students of a future. It would be a day of sober reckoning, so I won’t be holding my breath.
AIMS
Sadly, I think we are at a point where something like this would become just another political issue.
anon
Basically, you’re all saying we should educate our children. I wish that were as much of a “no sh*t” conclusion to the rest of the country as it feels to me (and this board)
Anonymous
There is a reason that the GOP has been on its anti-intellectual kick for years. An educated electorate is a threat to their totalitarian ambitions.
Anon
Absolutely. I’m Russian and was born and attended elementary school in the USSR. There was a lot of emphasis on excellence in the sciences and math, but in liberal arts subjects, it was all memorizing poems and regurgitating party-approved interpretations of history and classical literature. Original thoughts in a paper or on an exam would lose points. There were so many banned books that were passed around –often copied manually by typewriter. The push to ban books, limit teaching history, and generally dumb down education is so terrifying to me. I hope my grandkids aren’t surreptitiously downloading 1984 off the dark web.
Anon
You might like thecivicscenter DOT org.
Anon
Live in a poor rural area and then talk about what kind of legislative actions help those people. Increased regulations make it easier for huge businesses to operate (they can more readily absorb the costs and spread them out over more customers) and drive smaller businesses into the ground. Regulations that killed American manufacturing killed the American dream for people and no, they are not going to “learn to code.”
Skyrocketing inflation crushes those people, especially when it comes to the basics, like food. When food goes up 50% and you live paycheck to paycheck, it doesn’t matter if the federal government changes the “basket of goods” used to measure inflation; you’re up a creek.
The response to the pandemic created the largest upward transfer of wealth in history. People who are viscerally opposed to the policies that drove that – “just work from home!” while they watched their livelihoods get flushed down the toilet – will never ever believe that voting for progressives will do a thing for them.
There are also deep cultural issues that have absolutely nothing to do with politics. Lots of magical thinking, lots of “this is just the way things are.” Maybe when the prosperity boom passes you over and then shoves you down (because you can’t earn enough to win a bidding war for a house against people who are riding that boom), it really screws with your thinking.
There is not a lot of understanding of how to live as a working class person. Social norms used to buttress their lives and the erasure of such norms is far more destructive to them than to wealthy people in Westchester County. Not to put too fine a point on it, if your parents struggle to make ends meet, your best bet in life is to work your butt off, move heaven and earth to not get pregnant in high school or college, get a degree in something useful for not a lot of money (eg paralegal degree at the local regional comprehensive) and get a boring job that pays the bills. Your life is going to go downhill pretty quickly if you follow the “college is for fun and intellectual enrichment and don’t worry about the debt” path. There are a lot of studies on this.
Anon
Paragraph 1 — so true. My TBTF clients can employ armies of compliance people with law degrees. Try to start micro-lending in a small underserved area? Forget about it. You’re bound to mess something up and get sued out of business. The little guy will never be able to compete. Untended consequences are such a real thing.
Anon
Similarly, we are never going to truly reform healthcare without getting the medical malpractice industry under control. It’s not as easy as pinning everything that’s wrong on one political party…
Anon
OP here:
It’s the “this is just the way things are” myth that bothers me. This is not just the way things are. This is the way a small group of elected officials and ultra-wealthy people have MADE things. The entire game is rigged to benefit corporations and shareholders. But those choices are not obvious on the face of things.
Anon
But who do you think shareholders are? It’s us, anyone with a 401K, anyone with a pension (fewer and fewer of us).
Anon
Yeah, “the shareholders” are 60% of Americans. OP, you’re almost certainly a shareholder, as is everyone on this board.
Anon
I’m a shareholder too, but I’m not a board seat holding equity voting share holder. Let’s be honest about what shareholders corporations are managing to. It’s the big institutional investors (who invest on behalf of us but they don’t care about what any one of us think) and some very very very wealthy individual investors.
I’ve done board and shareholder presentations for my prior F50 employer. I know who they care about.
Anon
And who do the big institutional investors represent? Mutual funds, which are owned by us directly, or our 401Ks, or retirement funds or pension plans. It is still us at the end of the line. And you CAN vote voting shares you own directly and can vote for how fund directors cast their votes. You have to read the mailings / e-mails you get on that but most people delete or throw in the trash. BUT WE ARE THE ENEMY YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT.
Anon
I said that and I also said they don’t give one single crap about individual investors unless they’re very very wealthy, in which case they’re in a bespoke fund and not necessarily a big mutual fund. Believe me when i say this, I have worked with these dudes (and they’re all dudes)
Anon
It’s not just the ultra wealthy who “made things this way.” I’m going to explain this badly so bear with me:
I grew up in an area of the country that really believes in the ability to make things better. It might be called “internal locus of control,” but it’s bigger than that. It’s everything. It’s people putting time or money into their ten year old cars because an old car doesn’t have to be an unreliable one. It’s a lot of economic mobility: just because your dad is a welder doesn’t mean you can’t go to college. It’s telling young adults to not throw their life away for a romantic relationship because they can have a great life and will (hopefully) find the right person someday. The belief that gardening should be good for women and if not, something needs fixing.
Here? I don’t know how to describe the level of mental and emotional complacency. The car is old, of course it makes a bad noise. (I dunno, maybe fix the muffler?) So you’re either a sad unfortunate person who drives a crappy vehicle or you are a fortunate person who buys a new one. Why would you care about shoddy new construction homes? It will be nice when you live there and no one fixes their homes anyway so no used home sells for that much, unless it’s the fancy million dollar ones.
Your parents are poor or working class? Your parents are rich and you’re educated but you’re not from here? Well you aren’t part of the elite old boys club so why bother?
Gardening isn’t good? That’s just the way things are for women. You found a good man; be happy that you can please him.
It isn’t a political thing. What possible legislative or judicial solution is there?
Anon
To your last point, Rob Henderson’s concept of “luxury beliefs” really resonates with me, as someone from a working class background.
Anon
People have different priorities in whom/what they vote for.
Some people vote just to own the libs.
NaoNao
There was an article somewhere about the phenomenon that IIRC, boiled down to a deep distrust of “the government” and resentment of the perceived negative changes that regulations brought on, such as closing or restricting local sources of employment (mines, etc) so that voter block has intense cognitive dissonance about the role of the gov’t while actually being reliant on many gov’t entitlements.
Anonymous
Yep. It’s the people who hate government but don’t want you to take away their Medicare and Social Security, which are not entitlements or handouts because they “earned” those benefits.
Anon
(Raises an eyebrow) Are you suggesting that people who spend a lifetime of paying FICA taxes did not earn those benefits?
Anecdata
I would also say, when you’re poor, you’re in closer contact to the worst, most user-unfriendly versions of government services (compared to the relatively functional stuff aimed at richer people like Medicare) – I don’t want federal health care if I’m thinking it’ll be like trying to work with EBT/tanff/subsidized housing.
Bay Area estate planning
Looking for recommendations for an estate planning attorney in San Francisco (elsewhere in the Bay OK too, but SF would be ideal). Nothing super complicated or unusual: married, 2 kids, a condo, retirement accounts, life insurance.
Anon
I’m trying to figure out what I should do about a medical issue and I’m not sure what my next step should be. Maybe someone has dealt with the same and can advise? Long story short I’m dealing with feeling like I have a UTI which manifests with side abdomen pain and urgency/uncontrollability but NOT pain when going about every other month for a year and a half. Mid 30s, otherwise good health, no kids/pregnancies.
I’ve seen my main doctor (who has ruled out a bacterial UTI twice), a urologist (who did no testing but referred me for pelvic floor therapy), a pelvic floor therapist (who gave me exercises but said my pelvic floor is fine), and two gynecologists (both said everything looks fine and I had an unrelated surgery about 10 months into this issue and the gyn surgeon also visually confirmed that nothing is going on there). My main doctor has been dismissing this as a gyn issue.
Here’s the kicker – I bought a home UTI test kit on the advice of a pharmacist because I thought maybe it IS a UTI and I’m just not getting to the doctor fast enough and drinking enough cranberry juice that it goes away by the time I get an appointment (drinking cranberry juice DOES help). I’ve tested twice a week for a month and a half and it always finds blood in my urine. Different times of day, etc. So, I’m worried this could be a more serious issue like a recurrent upper instead of lower UT infection, (tiny) kidney stones, kidney or bladder cancer.
How should I approach this – are there specific tests I should be asking for? Is it possible to simply have blood in your urine all the time but not have that be a marker of something serious?
Anon
Time to see a better urologist. Blood in urine can be from interstitial cystitis (which can present as urgency without what I would call pain), but if you’ve have no testing with a urologist yet, they haven’t ruled out the scarier stuff yet.
Anon
+1 to finding a different urologist. At the very least, you should be given the option of having a cystoscopy.
anon a mouse
If there’s one in your area, you may want to see a urogynecologist.
Anon
+1 Also, look into the supplement D-Mannose for urinary tract health
anon
From what you describe, it could be cystitis. I had symptoms like this about a year ago and found the Interstitialcystitis page on R*ddit. I think certain types of food (alcohol, chocolate, caffeine) or stress can be triggers. I have taken Azo and Uristat during flare ups and that has helped.
Anon
So I’ve actually had very similar issues for the last couple years, though you say that you’ve only found blood in your urine on the home tests? What about the real lab tests? My understanding is that they’re not exactly the same and it’s easy to get false positives on the home tests, so I’d start with a real lab test first. My initial lab tests found crystals and blood in my urine so I had a CT scan (to rule our kidney stones) and a cystoscopy (to rule out cancer) pretty early on. Both were normal, and the blood and crystals are probably due to a medication side effect, and the rest of my issues seem to be muscular. I’ve done pelvic floor PT, which has helped, but it hasn’t solved the problem.
But just so you know, even when they find blood in your urine, unless it’s a lot, it’s debatable whether they even recommend a cystoscopy for a young woman. Bladder cancer mostly occurs in old men. I think I only got one because I’m just above 40 and also had other weird lab results. I think it actually is quite common to have trace amounts.
An.On.
Obviously just anecdotal, but my mother frequently had bouts of abdominal pain and blood in her urine due to diverticulitis, exacerbated by stress and eventually resolved by surgery. She lived with it for years and years, and it became increasingly debilitating, increasing in frequency and pain. I think they tested for it using an MRI or CT, so it doesn’t sound like it would have shown up on anything you’ve already had done.
Anon for this
This happened to me and it was a kidney stone that the ultrasound missed. It took about 2.5 months for the stone to -surprise – pop out when urinating and at my wits’ end about the random on-and-off discomfort.
Anon for this
Oh and kidney stones, if large enough, can get stuck, which would explain the persistent symptoms. They would have to be broken up (laser?) to pass if that’s what happened to you.
Anon
Yup, my husband had similar symptoms and was eventually diagnosed with kidney stones.
Belle Boyd
FYI – coming from someone who suffers from frequent kidney stones. They do not always or often show up on ultrasounds. This was told to me by an ultrasound tech. She said because of where the kidneys are located, it’s very hard to get a clear view on the ultrasound that will show kidney stones, and unless they are really large, a lot of them go undetected on an ultrasound. She even said she wondered why doctors even recommended ultrasounds for them for that reason — I’m guessing it’s because of the chance of detecting a large stone.
What I can recommend is drinking water – A LOT of water — to help keep them flushed out. But when one strikes, it’s miserable.
(and I hope I haven’t jinxed myself into a bout talking about them!)
SameHere!
I am currently dealing with something very similar and so far I have had a CT and a Cystoscopy by seeing a urologist. Now I’m schedule for a nuclear medicine renal function test. I have some small stones that seem to be caused by a blockage as to where the ureter and the kidney meet. I had a lot of blood in my urine in recent months and some side pain but nothing too bad. So my recommendation would be to see a urologist! My final scan is tomorrow actually and I’ll learn more next week.
Anonymous
When I had this it did turn out to be an important kidney issue. I would see a nephrologist.
Anonymous
Random TV shoutout: we just finished the second season of Strange New Worlds — it’s such a great show!!! In the Star Trek universe but they have so much fun with it, so unlike Discovery (and, at least, the first season of Picard, haven’t watched after that). I think it was a recommendation from Senior Attorney, so thank you!
Anonymous
Season 3 (but not Season 2) of Picard is worth your time. It is excellent.
Gail the Goldfish
Yea, Season 3 of Picard was what the whole damn show should have been. It’s worth watching. You can skip 2, because quite frankly I basically didn’t remember anything that happened in 2 and it was fine.
Moose
I’ve been recommending Strange New Worlds to non-Trek people – such a fun show with great characters.
Little Red
Season 2 of SNW was excellent! All the episodes this season were top notch. I was really worried about the musical episode and I watched it three times back to back.
Season 3 of PIC was very good and enjoyable.
Anonymous
Low stakes question: what color should I paint my nails? I’m getting a mani/pedi today. I have very pale skin and usually prefer pale/light neutrals on my fingers, but could do gray, taupe, pink, cream, you name it (not blue or green, that’s my only rule!). No one will see my toes so I can do any color. I’ll probably do gel polish for fingers, toes I do regular polish and my salon usually has Essie and OPI.
Anon
Gel pedicures are the best though, you can put your shoes on instantly.
Anon
I switch over to darker colours for the fall, I just had my toes done in Lincoln Park After Dark by OPI – a really dark, almost black, purple.
Runcible Spoon
I like the OPI color called “Not so Bora-Boring Pink.” It is not so light that your toes end up looking dirty by contrast, and not so dark that any scratch or chip will show up starkly in relief. It also reads as a neutral, going with all sorts of colors and shoes and sandals. Enjoy!
Smokey.
I’m having a pedicure tomorrow and am having my nails painted with my favorite fall nail color, Malaga Wine by OPI.
BeenThatGuy
I have that on my fingers and toes right now. The salon owner, who I consider a friend, shook her head and jokingly said “Of cooouuuurse, it’s Malaga Wine season” (#99 for those keeping track).
Anon
My salon doesn’t have OPI colors, but I have a very similar color on my toes right now.
Anon
I’m a very pale redhead and recently got my nails done for a wedding in a chocolate-y brown. I think it was called “coffee bean” or something? I’ve never gotten more compliments on a nail color!
Anonymous
I was googling this last night and evidently chocolate browns are IN.
Anon
I like a deep lavender for fall.
Anon
Ugh. I was in the ENT’s office with a thousand crying babies, all of us with ear infections. I want to cry also — it hurts so much and has wrecked my sleep for a week and the meds are not fully kicking in yet.
Peaches
I got ear infections as a kid all the time, but the two or three I’ve gotten as an adult were absolutely awful. I lost hearing in my left ear for about a week. I hope your meds kick in and you start feeling better soon!
Anon
Sympathies. I’ve had my eardrum burst a couple of times from ear infections and the junk that came out…. I’m like no wonder they hurt so bad!
nuqotw
Help me shop. I’m in an exhausting stage of work; as a coping mechanism I want to spend money on a blazer or other 3rd piece type item that I don’t need. My work dress code is “women’s equivalent of coat/tie”. I typically wear suits or suit pants + top + third piece, in dark colors/neutrals. A sweater blazer or open cardigan is the most practical thing for me to get. Eileen Fisher has a boiled wool jersey suit that I really want but sadly the inseam on the pants in too short. I do not have cashmere blazer money. (Should I save money until I have cashmere blazer money?) Budget is about $300, but I could go to $600 if a blazer came with great (full length) pants for a full suit.
Options:
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/the-marylebone-velvet-blazer-vibrant-pink/sty-u0185-pnk
https://www.misook.com/products/open-front-cashmere-cardigan-marine-teal
https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/neiman-marcus-cashmere-collection-cashmere-basic-open-cardigan-prod258740059
AIMS
I wouldn’t get the Boden blazer. I got something similar from there recently and found it very stiff and unflattering/uncomfortable.
Anon
Not the second two — too close to Athleisure if it is primarily for work I think. I like 3, but longer blazers don’t look good on me. FWIW, Velvet is season-limiting (until maybe 2/14), but you may be ready to ditch winter items by then anyway.
Anonymous
I would wait and save for a Rag ‘n Bone slade blazer (the wool kind, not the cotton/ponte blends). I usually stalk and wait for a sale. I have 2 of them in different colors, and I am in the market to add a 3rd. It is polished, looks like a blazer but feels so soft and cozy like a warm sweater. I have a similar work dress code, and these blazers have been my workhorses.
Anon
I would wait and save for a Rag ‘n Bone slade blazer (the wool kind, not the cotton/ponte blends). I usually stalk and wait for a sale. I have 2 of them in different colors, and I am in the market to add a 3rd. It is polished, looks like a blazer but feels so soft and cozy like a warm sweater. I have a similar work dress code, and these blazers have been my workhorses.
Smokey.
I love the look of the two cardigans you posted.
Anon
I love the Boden one!
Anonymous
I have been really happy with some of the Ann Taylor blazers that I’ve bought in the last year or so, especially the tweedy-looking ones. This one is so pretty. https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/jackets-and-blazers/cata000017/838182.html?priceSort=DES
Anon
How important are thank you notes after an on house counsel interview? Do it or not? When I last interviewed for a firm job, my recruiter told me not to write them because it didn’t help and was a waste of time. Like everyone else, I hate writing them because it’s really hard to be specific and achieve the right tone after an hour’s meeting with someone. Had a video interview this morning and trying to decide whether to spend the angst over it. I think the interview went well…
Runcible Spoon
It’s only one note, you can do it. You can also send an email expressing how much you enjoyed speaking with her, etc.
Anon
Send one. When I’m hiring, if I’m down to two equally liked candidates, I choose the one who seems the most interested in the job. A thank you note is one data point in that direction.
Anon
I am not in legal, but work in a position where the ability to build and maintain relationships is an important part of the role. When I interview people no cover letter or thank you note is viewed as a negative. My view is if you are not going to use these opportunities to do a minimal amount of work to sell yourself and try and build a relationship with your potential boss, then you are probably not going to do it if get the position. I don’t really care what the letters say, more that the effort was made.
Anon
In my role, I don’t have a huge window into hiring/firing, but I literally was just copied on an email string in which two managers were expressing frustration that none of the candidates they had just interviewed had written a thank you after their interview.
Cat
I would do them tonight. They don’t have to be long. Like 3-4 sentence. Thank the person for their time, mention an aspect of the conversation you found especially helpful, express that it confirmed for you your interest in the opportunity. Done.
BeenThatGuy
I’d write one. I’d use it as an opportunity to show interest in the position/organization and highlight why I’m the qualified candidate they need. Less “Miss Manners” and more “Sales pitch of myself”.
Anonymous
Talk to me about putting a house in an LLC. I bought my first home 10 years ago. It’s in a great area and my cost of ownership is extremely low compared to the current market rate rent. I’m moving to a bigger house and don’t need to sell the first house for the down payment, so I’m thinking of renting it out. I still have a mortgage on the property, interest rate is much lower than what I could get today, and paying off the mortgage isn’t an option rn. Can I transfer the property into an LLC without refi’ing?
Anon
This will probably be state dependent. But in my state, you might be able to transfer it with an assumption of the mortgage into the LLC’s name if your mortgage and lender allows it. Also, in my state, you would have to pay transfer tax on the FMV of the property.
Anon
Lenders aren’t going to be doing you any favors on old low-rate loans right now. They don’t want you to keep the loan.
Runcible Spoon
Talk to a tax professional or CPA, but I believe that renting out one personally-owned home is not unfavorably treated for personal income tax purposes, and could be a great way to shelter income from taxes. Once you start renting out two, three or more residences, then you are becoming a professional landlord, very differently treated from a homeowner renting out their own home on the side. Keep the house in your name with the current low-interest rate mortgage. Good luck!
Anon
How does this work? Whether you are renting one or five houses, the income tax rates are what they are and you would pay tax on your profits
Travel Anxiety
Hi – my husband has recently become anxious about flying/traveling for work. He knows it’s irrational and that flying is safe, etc but can’t shake the anxiety and worry about leaving me and our kids behind. He doesn’t like being away from us generally but the flights seem to be a real trigger. He has a long haul business trip coming up and is really dreading it. I was wondering if anyone please had any suggestions that might help, or if there are good therapists for this kind of thing? We are in SoCal if that helps. Thank you.
Smokey
As a short term solution,he might want to talk to his doctor about a script for Valium or something similar. It worked for me!
Anon
That and some excellent high value term insurance.
NaoNao
I am a nervous flyer and here’s what helped me:
For flying:
Honestly, Xanax. I take one about an hour before takeoff. It took the nerves from a 10 to a 3.
Noise cancelling headphones; the highest quality you can afford. I paid 300 for my Bose about 4 years ago, and they are worth every penny.
Saving really fun and interesting and anticipated tv and movies for the plane (download). I saved a handful of super-fun tv and movies on my phone or device, that I would only watch on the plane. Alternately, before I had streaming apps, I would bring the scariest horror book I could find (typically Stephen King) and read it to distract myself.
Little treats–for men this will likely be different, but stuff like Evian facial mist, a luxe lip balm, a really high end neck pillow, etc.
“Fear of Flying Pro” app is a lifesaver. They have an emergency breathing exercise, and a mindful meditation exercise as well as a quick exercise. I’ve used the short exercise dozens of times on rocky landings and takeoffs.
A mantra–this is a tiny bit silly but I have two: “The pilot doesn’t want to crash the plane any more than you want it to crash” (meaning: trust the pros, and that I don’t need to “keep the plane flying” with my anxiety) “if the flight attendants aren’t worried, I shouldn’t be either”.
Modeling or fake it till you make it. Surprisingly effective. I sometimes choose a very cool and collected looking passenger and imitate them.
For traveling:
Get the hotel app and get the digital key and other perks!
Have him download the home security app so he can pop into the camera at any time and see that things are fine (if you do home security systems)
Develop a plan for emergencies–like who will you call, maybe make a “go bag”, have him show you the location of any self defense devices, designate a “look in” person if he calls and doesn’t get an answer (and decide on a time frame, you don’t want him calling the neighbor after 2 hours of NC).
From your end, perhaps including little gifts and love notes in the luggage, or even requesting “oh, you’ll be in X city? If you have time, can you grab [distracting errand item] for me while you’re there” so that he’s not spiraling and focusing on Big Bad breaking in, etc.
Scheduled calls: have a simple check in time and scheduled calls so that he can focus “okay I’m calling her at 1. She’ll call if anything is wrong.”
Anon88
I wasn’t suuuper fearful but I was a nervous flyer, and talking to a pilot helped me realize that flying isn’t a big deal, pilots actually nerd out about it, are extremely methodical, and they are completely calm and having an enjoyable time when they’re flying.
I ended up having this conversation because I went on a date with a Delta pilot (lol) but I know airports offer fear of flying classes that also give you the opportunity to talk to pilots and ask questions.
Anon
If he’s anxious because he does not want to catch COVID, that is a real issue. He can reduce the risk (N95 from door-to-door, etc.). But it is not irrational to be concerned.
Anonymous
Has anyone just decided not to help a parent in old age? I am trying to assist my father, who lives several states away, with some things (organizing his dirty home, getting his will in place, hiring cleaners/home health, selling some possessions cluttering his living quarters, investigating assisted living, etc ) and he is effectively shutting down my efforts. He’d like to have a relationship where we have social visits but does not seem to envision me helping him with managing his affairs. He says he can take care of all that on his own. Reports from neighbors and social services strongly suggest otherwise, and I get contacted regularly about this. But am I supposed to just take over against his wishes? Show up at his home with a list and just start doing things? This is someone I have only seen about 7 times since I was a freshman in high school (I am now 51), so it isn’t like I have some kind of regular visitation, but I am his designated contact/next of kin, and others are currently being inconveniences with these issues. I do not have money to throw at this problem; visiting a few times a year is going to be a major expense for me. What should I be doing here?
Anon
Elder care is so, so hard. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Is he of sound mind? If so, you can’t force him to do anything, unfortunately. It’s unclear from your post whether he wants to clean up the house and sell his possessions or go into assisted living. Elderly parents are still people with agency and can make their own decisions, even if they are not good decisions.
I’m also not sure why you have had limited contact with him. If he was abusive or harmful to you in some way, I will say that you do not have to stay in contact with him (if you can do that for your own peace of mind).
Anonymous
Thank you.
To clarify, he is reportedly usually but not always of sound mind and one thing that concerns me is that he is heading in the direction of losing capacity. He is inconsistent about what he wants as to his future living situation, but currently living in filth and clutter he seems to be oblivious to and does not want my assistance with.
Our limited contact is due to fallout from a divorce after which he continued to (mostly) meet his financial obligations to me but deliberately chose to focus on his new wife and her kids.
Anon
If he has a wife and step kids, can they manage all of this?
Anonymous
His wife passed away and the kids do not consider him a parent or their responsibility in any way, though one does keep in touch with him Thus his renewed interest in me.
Anon
Do you want this responsibility? He focused on his new family and when that didn’t work out he turns to you, but won’t readily accept your help. If his step kids he focused on instead of you don’t see him as their father or responsibility, you are under no obligation to do so.
Anon
My father similarity abandoned me for his new wife and step kids, although he did it earlier (I was in elementary school) and didn’t meet his financial obligations. I’ve seen him once a year for the past decade for my grandfather’s birthday, but have no other contact. And I dont believe I have any responsibility for him in his old age. I’ll take care of my mom, but he is on his own — he choose to not have a relationship with me when I was a kid, and I’m choosing to not have a relationship with him now that he wants something from me.
Anecdata
It sounds like your dad’s made his wishes pretty clear – and he’s an adult and gets to make decisions, even “bad” ones. Do you also want that kind of social connection with him? if so, than go for it, and give yourself permission to not be responsible for the other things
It sounds like the requests to be more involved in managing his life are coming from third parties – maybe social services? It’s ok to tell them what you’ve laid out here : “my dad doesn’t want/won’t accept that kind of support from me”, “I’m not the right person to handle that”, etc
Anon
I agree. He’s made his wishes clear.
Runcible Spoon
Is it possible to shift the responsibility to be a designated contact/next of kin to one of the children in post-divorce family, or generally speaking to someone else? That would reduce the calls from third parties and allow you to decide if you want to maintain a purely social and non-caretaking relationship. Good luck!
Anon
You can’t help someone against his will. Some people choose not to address their aging issues and the decisions are ultimately made for them, usually when they suffer from major medical issue or pass away. When you call, say “if you want help with XYZ I’m happy to support you” but there is not much you can do.
Anon
You can, actually – it takes a lot of persistence and effort and OP may not be up for that, but if everyone quit at the first “I don’t need help,” 90%+ of seniors would be living in preventable squalor. The first thing to realize about elder care is that getting to yes takes time.
Anon
I disagree with the “you can’t do anything” approach. Try to get him to sign a form giving you POA and contact his state’s area agency on aging to ask about local resources. I’m going through long-distance dementia caregiving and ignoring the problem for as long as we did was a huge mistake.
Anon for this
It’s hard. It may not work in your situation, but one way we got my grandmother to finally move out of her house into assisted living was by presenting it as a done deal: an apartment had been rented and the move in date was in X months/weeks. Movers were hired to pack and move what she wanted to bring with her. She thought it was the best thing since sliced bread, since she didn’t have to admit she couldn’t care for the house anymore.
Have you had a come to Jesus conversation with him about this stuff? You care about him being healthy and safe in his home, and these issues are an impediment to that. If he feels he’s capable of doing all of these things on his own, ask him what steps he has taken/what his next steps are for taking care of them. If he brushes you off/shuts down that line of questioning, remind him that it’s really troubling when social services and neighbors report that he’s in an unsafe environment (tripping hazards, whatever they’ve described) and that your goal here is to have him be healthy and safe in his home and make things easier for those who need to provide care for him. There’s no shame in asking for or accepting help! It’s your job as his daughter to make sure he’s safe and cared for, and when you’re his age someone will do the same for you. If he doesn’t want you to directly assist, you’re happy to talk through with him and write down the next steps to accomplish these things. You can research local lawyers who can help with his will, find a donation center that will pick up from his home (or a person who sells stuff on eBay who can list his stuff for sale), that sort of stuff.
I think if you have done all of this and he is still refusing your assistance, you can just lay out what can happen in the future. If he has a fall/medical event, social services may determine that his home is not suitable for him to return to, and he will be placed in a rehab facility or nursing home against his wishes. Is he ok with that outcome? If not, he needs to accept help. If he doesn’t answer or says he is ok with it, inform him that you will no longer make any offers of assistance unless he expressly asks. You can also inform neighbors/social services that you’ve had this conversation with him and this was the outcome, so they can also reiterate the potential consequences of his decision.
anon
You can’t force anything on an adult who isn’t legally incompetent, even if they’re older and not making great choices. Let him manage his life, unless he is at the point that social services suggests a court may find him incompetent. Even then, I don’t know that I’d take on the extraordinarily hard and time-intensive role of elder care for someone when my relationship with them for almost four decades has been almost zilch.
I think you can tell the neighbors and social services that you too are concerned by the problems they’ve identified, but, unfortunately, you’ve talked to him and he doesn’t want your help. Frankly, this is the answer even if he was the best dad possible and you had a great relationship—it’s relationship and sanity-saving to not try to control how other adults live.
Assuming the neighbors are being inconvenienced by pest problems, they’re going to have to solve this without your help, because there’s literally nothing you can do. You can’t go into another adult’s house without their permission to start fixing it. But, there might be some legal process where your father lives that lets the county vector control in to fix things, or that requires him to get social services help. The people who are inconvenienced by him are going to have to explore that on their own.
Anon
Depending on how involved you want to be, I would recommend meeting with an elder care attorney in the state your dad lives in. In some states, a POA really won’t let you do anything until the person loses capacity. It also sounds like your dad may not be willing to sign a POA. You won’t be able to get a conservatorship until your dad fully loses capacity, but some courts will not appoint someone as a conservator that isn’t local… so that may not be an option for you anyway. There are typically local companies that have groups that will act as conservator for you, etc., but again, this assumes you want to be involved with your dad’s care.
I used to act as counsel for a nursing home company– we not infrequently would have patients admitted who were estranged from their family and would have to find someone to act as a decision maker in their care. It is not uncommon for family members to care about their aging relative but decline to take on their care, typically because of a strained relationship. I would encourage you decide how involved you really want to be in your father’s care and then stick to whatever you decide– do not feel obligated to act as POA or conservator if that’s not what you actually want.
OP
Thanks for all the perspective.
Anonymous
out of curiosity – has everyone’s car insurance gone up? ours has almost doubled and our State Farm rep is telling us it’s because costs of repairs and labor have skyrocketed after a slight dip in covid.
Anon
Compare your premium by coverage to last year’s premium. I think you’ll see an across the board increase in bodily injury, property damage, uninsured motorists, comprehensive, and collision.
If it’s all due to repair costs you will only see increases in coverages related to fixing the car (most of property damage, comp and collision) but I would expect your BI and UM premiums to have increased as well. Jury awards have gone up quite a bit, especially on jumbo cases, which has driven settlements up, and it all trickles down to the policyholder eventually.
anon
Yes, though not that big. I haven’t called yet and was wondering if there was some kind of mix-up, like did they accidentally put someone else’s speeding ticket on my account?
Anon
Ours has gone up a little but nowhere near that much.
Eliza
Yes. I called our insurance company recently prior to buying a new car and was floored.
oldladylawyer
hey, driving 4 hours each way to a funeral (very informal) this weekend. looks like rain and warm. want something comfortable and my pants are sadly all a bit constricting at the moment. Thinking long dark jersey dress w cardigan or sweater over. Anyone seen such an animal in a bricks a mortar mass retail store? thanks.
Anon
Chico’s is full of exactly what you are describing.
Anon
Karen Kane usually has dresses like that, sold in a few department stores.
anon
J Jill should have something like that.
Peaches
I don’t know if this is available in-store, but it looks comfortable: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/kiyonna-womens-essential-wrap-dress-with-3-4-sleeves?ID=16805654
Peaches
This is also promising: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-womens-printed-sleeveless-midi-dress-created-for-macys?ID=16737732
oldladylawyer
Thank you Peaches, i appreciate the effort!
oldladylawyer
adding in i attempted to buy that amazon two piece knock off that was all over instagram this summer and no dark color is available through prime.
Anon
I had to solo parent last week while DH was at a convention. And now I have to solo parent again because DH got COVID from the convention and is in quarantine. Argh.
Anon
Ugh, I feel you. People will probably tell you it’s not worth quarantining, but we’ve successfully avoided household Covid transmission twice now and I think it’s worth it although it definitely sucks for the adult is solo parenting.
Anon
Quarantining worked in our house too.
Anon
We successfully isolated (Infected = Isolate, Questioning whether my exposure infected me – Quarantine), too, in our household.
An.On.
I’ve been there! Husband went on a trip and then promptly got injured the day he got back which drove me crazy since he was underfoot but unable to help at all. Power through!