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Updated: Apr 15, 2024 449 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Tweed Shift Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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A woman wearing a purple tweed dress and black sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m very into the color of this tweed dress from Misook. It’s not exactly spring-y, but I would seriously consider buying this and hanging onto it for that period in early fall when it’s still warm but you’re ready for the leaves to turn.

If you’re looking for something a little more suited to the spring months, it also comes in a much cheerier “sunset red” and “French blue.”

The dress is $250, marked down from $358 at Nordstrom, and comes in sizes XXS–XL.

Ann Taylor has a few more affordable (and more spring-y) options in light blue, pale yellow, and pink (all on sale for $109). For plus sizes, try this Calvin Klein dress in light blue and light pink for $89.99 and up.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    I’m the person who asked the tax question yesterday afternoon, and I’m also Chapter 13, which I didn’t disclose. My goal is to get more in my paychecks and not have such a large refund. Thank you to those who suggested the IRS calculator. I used it and it said I was withholding way too much and that my projected refund next year would be a small fortune. It generated a pre-filled W-4 for me, but I’m a bit confused about something on it (it says to list $2,969 in box 3, but I don’t have any dependents) so I decided to just make an appointment with my tax accountant and get this all squared away. I see her tomorrow. Thanks again for your help!

    • anonshmanon

      there was another tax question last week, about the point that a big federal refund this year will probably lead to additional state tax owed on that money in the following year. Just something to be prepared for.

      • Anon

        I don’t think that’s correct. You might be federally taxed on a state refund if you itemized and used state taxes to reduce the amount of federal tax you owe. But at least in the five states I’ve lived in, the amount of federal tax you pay doesn’t affect how much state tax you owe.

        • Anon

          I’m a Californian and I have definitely owed California taxes on refunds for prior years. For instance, if I received a federal refund in 2023 for my 2022 taxes, in 2024 I would have to pay California some taxes on that refund for tax year 2023.

          • Anon

            It’s not insane — if you deducted your overpaid state taxes on your federal return, you may own federal income tax on the refund to the extent that the deduction reduced your federal taxes. But a federal tax refund shouldn’t result in state taxes in the year of the refund.

          • Anon

            That makes no sense. I live in CA and have never had to do this as a regular W2 only tax payer who always gets a federal refund. Refunds aren’t income.

          • Anon

            That makes no sense. I live in CA and have never had to do this as a regular W2 only tax payer who always gets a federal refund. Refunds aren’t income.

          • Anon

            I don’t get this, but I’ve never lived in a state with an income tax. A federal tax refund isn’t income, so why is it taxed at the state level? Is the state tax based on what you’ve paid in federal taxes, and then when you get a refund that amount changes or something?

        • Anon

          I’m the person who made that post, and I’m in Indiana. I did some more research and am pretty sure that is what is happening to me. The refund money is a chunk of money that isn’t taxed by the state when you get it, so it makes sense that you have to pay state taxes on it later. I think it is pretty common. It only affects you if you have a significant refund though.

      • Anon

        This is wrong. You figure out your federal tax amount first, and that is then used to calculate your state tax. That is why the state tax form asks for amounts listed on your federal income tax return. The state isn’t looking at how much federal tax was withheld, but what the final amount is determined to be.

        You would not be taxed by a state on a federal return.

        • Anon

          Huh – I’m so confused by this. I’m the person who asked the other day why I get a huge federal refund and yet owe to the state. We have a simple tax situation (two W2 employees who live in the city where we work; no major investments or assets outside of a home, traditional retirement accounts and 529s) in a state (Indiana) that doesn’t have a particularly high state tax rate (flat ~4%). Several people told me it’s because I was having to pay state tax on the previous year’s massive refund. It made sense to me because TurboTax asks me if I got a federal refund the previous year and when I say yes and enter the amount it causes the amount owed to the state to go up and the amount we end up paying to the state usually lines up with our state’s tax rate (e.g., about $400 on a $10k refund). I don’t know how that would happen if I wasn’t paying state tax on the federal refund. Now I’m even more confused than I was before.

          • Anon

            Federal refunds are not taxable nor are federal payments deductible.

            Are you itemizing and deducting your state income taxes from the prior year? Because a state refund is taxable in certain situations.

    • Ellen

      If you want to get a paycheck, your wages should be listed as EXEMPT by your employer on your W-2. Otherwise, it is subject to a LEVY if you make more than $18,500 per year, which I suspect you do. We had this issue with an associate who used to work here, and he asked for an amended W-2 a few years ago. I did the research on this and agreed we could amend the W-2 for him, so since he made more than the minimum, he got a free LEVY exemption from our law firm.

  2. Anon

    For one night, does the hive prefer Fairfield Inn and Suites (Marriott family of brands) or Hampton Inn? Both have breakfast. I never seem to have a lot of points anywhere but I do have a big Marriott stay coming up.

    • Anon

      I slightly prefer Hampton Inn to Fairfield, which I’ve found to be more hit and miss.

      But you are looking at specific properties at a specific destination, and that’s the time to check amenities (pool, fitness, etc.), location, and actual reviews of both.

    • Anon

      I generally prefer Hilton brands because their rewards system is better than Marriott’s now.

      • Anon

        Marriott is so dominant at this point that I had to switch to them because of business travel & always having one where I needed to be.

    • Anon

      They’re both generally good brands (not fancy but clean/comfortable) but there are variations between different hotels within the chain so I’d look at TripAdvisor reviews for the specific hotels you’re contemplating. If they have similar reviews go with the Marriott brand for the points.

    • anon

      When comparing two very similar brands, I find it’s less about flag and more about age of property.

      Signed, someone in the business

        • anon

          Tell me the properties and I can see if I know anything about them / the age.

      • Anon

        Agreed. I generally prefer Hampton because their walls seem a little thicker or better insulated, but I stayed in one recently that was clearly not originally a HI, and it was awful. It might have originally been a Super 8. Low ceilings, dark, the furniture was falling apart, and the room was very small.

      • Cat

        +1000
        For basic ‘place to crash’ lodging I have zero brand loyalty. It’s all about whichever property is newest.

    • A.n.o.n.

      this is the type of hotels I stay at for work regularly as I’m usually traveling to small towns that don’t have fancier hotels, so fun to see the discussion.
      I’m a Hilton CC/points person, so would opt for Hampton in this situation, but if you have the option I find Hilton Garden Inns to generally be even better quality and reliability.

      • Anonymous

        I agree that Hilton Garden Inns are better than Hampton Inns. I generally find that the Marriott properties are cleaner and have fewer issues like missing shampoo, though.

          • Anon

            I have oily hair, so it is indifferent to shampoo types. I do like a bit of conditioner to help with static and keep the grays a bit flatter.

          • Anon

            Of course I use the hotel shampoo. I am not bringing tons of toiletries when there are some sitting right there. If I do not have the best hair day of my life, everyone will survive.

          • Anon

            I always use the hotel shampoo. I travel carry-on only for 99% of my trips and don’t want to mess with having to get tiny bottles of shampoo and conditioner that might leak and damage other stuff. Similarly to what the previous poster said, I probably won’t have the best hair day of my life but everyone will survive.

          • Cat

            ha, I’m with 10:52 – while the hotel products are convenient they are typically super scented and I find myself literally distracted by my own hair if I use them. So I bring travel sizes of my own. Never found it to be a burden or a mess; pop them in a baggie to ward off disaster if one opens.

      • Anon

        Hampton Inn has a decent free breakfast, though. Hilton Garden Inn runs upwards of $20 for breakfast, depending on location.

  3. Gift ideas

    Soliciting gift ideas. An older family member just got married and we are going to be staying with him and his new wife for a long weekend soon. I’m stumped on how to commemorate their union here. I know a wedding gift isn’t strictly necessary but I would like to bring something & would be bringing a nice host gift anyway if coming to stay with someone. They definitely don’t need any physical gifts but something to commemorate the occasion feels necessary. Do we just take them out to a nice dinner while visiting? What would you do? Hobbies are nature, hiking, photography, etc., but family member is pretty good at getting whatever he wants. A membership at a local botanical garden might work but could also miss the mark and/or be the kind of thing that they already have. When we visit, family member seems to have a membership to just about everything.

    • Anon

      Nice card, nice bottle of wine or liquor if they drink, and maybe a coffee table book on their interests.

    • anon

      not sure what older means (like older to be getting married, 40 or older older 75) but either way basically everyone i know wishes they had less stuff and doesn’t need anything that they wouldn’t buy for themself. i am a big fan of a special dinner out or tickets or some other experience. don’t know where you are but we took a rash of late to be married/ second wedding friends to il mulino and/or daniel about 15 years ago (we live in NY). only exception is if they are in to something that you can readily identify cute to maybe also get them a little something (his and her pickle ball visors with something silly written on them or similar)

    • Anon

      Would they enjoy a bottle of bubbly and a nice bouquet? Those are celebratory and consumable, so they won’t add clutter or duplicate something they already own.

    • Anonymous

      Take them out to dinner when you are visiting and gift a bottle of champagne and a gift certificate for a local charcuterie place or bakery for them to use on their first anniversary.

    • Anon

      M go-to is vintage coupe glasses (I have access to great antiques close to me but you can also get on Etsy) and a bottle of nice bubbles (usually CA v French as I’m also close to wine country). I like the coupes over flutes.

      • anon

        Similar but I do cordial or shot glasses, preferably in crystal. They are small, great for novelty, and an excellent gag if your spouse is being a bit extra while sick to present their nyquil to them in.

    • Anonymous

      Consider a flower gift from a place like White Flower Farm or Jackson & Perkins that is somewhere between a plant and a bouquet.In my experience they are so well cultivated that they do not require regular maintenance like a house plant but provide a longer growing and blooming experience than a bouquet.

    • Smokey

      If I was the gift recepient, I would most appreciate dinner at a favorite restaurant or flowers. No stuff to further clutter my house, for sure!

    • anon

      I like to bring something nice that’s local to where I live (assuming you’re out of state/far enough away to warrant a drive/sleep). Thinking high-end local consumables like chocolate, beer or wine.

  4. Recommend your clothes washer, please

    Our front-loading Kenmore’s engine has died, and we’re going to replace it. Thanks!

      • Flats Only

        DO NOT BUY A SPEED QUEEN TR9 Washer. Sorry to shout, but we bought one and it has no agitator, so it doesn’t get the clothes clean. Supposedly the drum swishes the water through the clothes, but it doesn’t work effectively, and everything has gotten so dingy (and my husbands blue collar work clothes so funky) that we’re considering just writing it off and sending it to the dump and buying something else. Even a $400 off-brand model from home depot would do a better job.

          • Flats Only

            But in a front loader the clothes are tossed around by the drum, due to gravity. In the TR7 (I mistyped TR9 above) top loader they just sit in the water while it swishes gently, so they don’t get clean. It failed the Consumer Reports test. Which we didn’t find out until after we bought it adn wondered why things weren’t getting clean. I had sent my husband to the appliance store with the order to “get a Speed Queen pair” based on the rave reviews of this board. Little did I know that SQ’s “top of the line” is such a piece of cr*p, even though the other models are great.

    • Anonymous

      I got a front loader LG about 3 years ago and have been happy with it. FYI, you can often access consumer reports from your library.

      • anon

        +1

        Costco purchase about 4-5yrs ago.
        No complaints.
        Dry the gasket and leave it open to dry, as per the manual.
        It is nice to my clothes. I wash all clothing pretty much on delicate/
        I have no kids or very “dirty” clothes.

      • Anonymous

        Same after 6.5 years. I especially like that it has a magnet in the door that allows the door to stay cracked to air out rather than having to leave it fully open and thus more intrusive.

      • Seventh Sister

        I love my LG washer, and not just because it sings a little song to tell me that my laundry is clean.

  5. Anon

    Help dress me for my arraignment. Kidding. It’s actually a hostile appearance before a regulator, which I imagine will be like those Senate hearings where a person gets yelled at by people who want to score soundbites. I just get to sit there and hope that my RBF holds up. Anyway, I need a serious suit, blouse, and footwear. Size 8. Pear. Everything I have is circa 2019 and maybe a size too small. It would be helpful to get a petite jacket but at this point I’m not picky. I have a month and everything in stores is very twee and summery vs dead serious.

    • Anonymous

      You can’t buy women’s business suits in stores anymore. I would look on line at Brooks Brothers, Theory, and Boss. If you are sensitive to wool, be prepared to be disappointed because no one, and I mean no one, lines pants these days. For the most polished look get the whole suit tailored to fit perfectly.

      • Anon

        I was in a high end department store looking for a blazer and a blouse. I told the sales woman I need to be able to wear a bar, not have the blouse be see through, and not so slinky I couldn’t take off my blazer (no lingerie style silk camisole). She had almost no options that worked, it was bonkers. I did wind up with a Veronica Beard blazer and I’ve decided I’m wearing a nice t-shirt from Boden underneath it because the options were so dire.

      • Anon

        Surprise! I recently bought a Lands End wool blend suit and the pants are fully lined. What it lacks in style it makes up in comfort and machine washability. For OP I’d suggest Theory or Brooks Brothers, altered to fit to perfection.

      • Anon

        The budget is whatever it costs. I used to buy a suit twice a year, then annually, then I just stopped. So I get what a good suit costs. I may get a few blouses since this is likely to be a season in my life vs an event.

        • anon

          Are you in a big city with the flag ship designer stores? If the budget really is open, Altuzarra silk blouses are my go to for big meeting days. For suits, I would go to Etro. Theory has been terrible lately, and there isn’t much between banana and when you really bust the budget. Neimans, Saks, etc. should have them in stock. You can also book an appointment and explain the issue, and they will ship suits to the store to try on (at that price point).

          • Anon

            Thanks — oddly, BR was my prior go-to because it was that or Akris and Akris is spendy and sometimes a bit out there. Not in the biggest of cities — we have a NM though, but it’s usually full of event-wear vs serious clothes for women.

      • Anonymous

        Respectfully disagree. I am probably known by name at AT based on annual purchases for the last decade, but their blouses are not for this occasion. You want something with more heft and gravitas. Kobi Halperin. Lafayette. Brooks Bros. Me +Em. Even Banana Republic.

    • Housecounsel

      Tucker NYC has the most gorgeous blouses. I find them new with tags on resale sites, too.

    • Cat

      JCrew’s suiting fits me well off the rack and I have your body type. No need to spend $$$.

    • Anonymous

      As a pear, my best recent suit is from MM LaFleur. Talbots is also exceptionally reliable.

      Online is your only option for this kind of shopping, unfortunately.

    • NYNY

      Look at Argent and Favorite Daughter. I would try to get something asap and take it to a tailor. I have complete faith in your RBF!

    • Anon

      Are you within driving distance of a Nordstrom store? If so I’d book an appointment with a personal shopper and let them order in stuff to try on, and also let them handle alterations. M

  6. Anon

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a portable washing machine for an apartment? I have in building, but not in unit, laundry and due to several issues with the building laundry, I’m looking into a portable unit (as advertised for apartments or RVs).

    • Anon

      I haven’t tried them, but I have heard not great things. When I was in a similar situation I made do with regular handwashing and a biweekly trip to the laundromat.

    • Anon

      I knew someone who had one of those two in one W/D in their apartment and the dryer took forever!! I’d consider sending out heavy things like towels and bedding.

      • Anon

        Yeah I think I’d mostly use it for lighter loads and as a stop gap when my buildings only washer is once again out of service (we’re on week two with no reliable washer. Landlord is apathetic).

        I can go to a friend’s or my parents’ when I have bigger loads it bulky items.

        • Anon

          When I had a broken washing machine for 2 months, I went to friends houses and sent out the heavy stuff.

    • Anon

      When I had that living situation I took my laundry to the dry cleaners for their wash and fold service. It wasn’t much more than paying the machine in the building and it was lovely to have everything perfectly folded. I just quadrupled up on underwear and workout clothes.

      • Anon

        Unfortunately I’m not in NYC and so wash and fold isn’t common here (and is expensive if you can find it) and I generally don’t have enough downtime to go to the laundromat.

          • Anon

            I have checked and as stated above, it’s not common where I live (two places do it but they’re not nearby and don’t offer delivery) and it’s expensive – buying a portable washer would pay for itself in less than 2 months. If I had the budget to spend ~$100 a month on wash and fold then I’d have the budget to afford an apartment with in unit laundry :)

      • Anon

        I don’t know about you but my laundry is $1.50 to wash and $1 to dry. Way, way cheaper than wash and fold!

    • Anon

      I know that these machines are the greatest but they do seem to be the best option for me currently.

      I’ve heard they’re hit or miss; my next door neighbor loves hers but her model is no longer sold which is why I’m crowd sourcing.

  7. Anonymous

    Have you ever been laid-off, fired, or otherwise involuntarily terminated from a job? At what point in your career? How did you bounce back?

    • Anon

      I was shown the door to my first job for a variety of reasons I won’t go into too much. I was mortified and thought my life was over and I would never work again. I ended up at another job that wasn’t perfect but gave me experience and confidence and am now in a much better position. I know it’s cheesy but it turned out to be a blessing although it certainly didn’t feel like it at the time.

    • Anon

      Yes I was fired from a startup. I had been planning to leave anyways and had started applying so I wasn’t that upset. This was in the middle of my career. When interviewing I didn’t mention that I had been let go unless they specifically asked, and then once I said “startups” everyone understood. I was surprised by how little I was asked. When I was answering questions I just focused on what I liked about the job I was applying to, didn’t say anything about the old job.

      • Anon

        I was also fired from a startup after 7 weeks, during a 2 month probationary period. The CEO, who was my boss, was out of the country for my first 2 weeks, I met her on week 3, then she went on vacation for week 4. She was a total trainwreck, and she did me a favor because the company ultimately failed. I collected unemployment for a few months, and I removed that startup blip from my resume. I (truthfully) said I left the previous job due to being hired remotely, in a different state, and then being called back into the office as covid wound down. I didn’t want to move many states away. No recruiters questioned me leaving and having a gap of several months.

        I was really hard on myself, so please try to be kind and realize there’s something better out there!

    • A.n.o.n.

      I asked for help from my law firm to move in house, and was given a date to be out (and honestly very little help) – learn from my fail, all.
      For me, I look back on it as a mutual selection process and part of the job and out of law firms. If you don’t want to be there, then often the company doesn’t want you.
      I’ve also been on the other side of RIFs and know that there are a ton of people laid off due to financial reasons when the company and their supervisors have to make tough decisions – so many people who would be kept if leadership didn’t impose a strict “cut $$$ number.”
      anyway, it’s not a judgment on your worth as a person or an employee. good luck to you.

    • anon

      Not me, but my husband. He works in facility maintenance and was let got in late 2020 when the company he worked for wanted to outsource the work to contractors. He was there for 20 years so it was very difficult. Thankfully he found something a few months later.

      Unfortunately he just found out that his new company is selling one of their buildings so that means they need a smaller maintenance staff. Three people including him are being let go, but he is able to stay there until early next year to help with the transition.

      It really sucks going through this again. The only advice I have is to take it day by day. Do your best to apply for jobs and work with your network.

    • Anonymous

      At a law firm, I was “fired” after I announced I was quitting to a partner where I was clerking during law school. One of the associates had abused me and then threw me under a bus for a failure of his that occurred while I was away taking finals and attending graduation events. it was a pattern and I was not having it. Getting “fired” was funny under the circumstances, but also frustrating bc that was the line given to all of my colleagues who might have helped me thereafter when I told the partner I was quitting and she summarily dismissed me for it.

    • Anon

      I was laid off twice. Once at my law firm job prior to going to law school. Obviously they knew I was leaving anyway. Then again as an attorney at a very small struggling law firm. I was surprised and I was job searching anyway. I ended up switching fields and no longer practice law! Best thing I ever did.

    • LawDawg

      Parent company decided to consolidate the work at my small office (6 people) into other groups. I was almost 50. I stayed in touch with my network, did some consulting work, and applied to every job that even looked close. I made sure to get up at a reasonable time every morning, made job hunting part of my day and went to exercise classes. It was important to me not to turn on the television until late afternoon at the earliest in order to maintain a “work schedule.” It happens to almost everyone. There is no shame and it is important not to sink into darkness.

    • Anonymous

      I was fired from a small tech company within a few months of graduating university, it really didn’t impact me. I just got another entry level job and climbed the ladder from there, luckily my new employer likes ambitious women. I even had the pleasure of recycling the resume of the man who fired me.

    • Anon

      I was laid off from a government contractor 13 years into my career. I was able to find a new job about a month later through someone in my network. I ended up staying with that company for over 8 years and it allowed me to move states to an office closer to family. Remember, everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

    • Pep

      I worked in an organization where I supported a more senior colleague. However, the senior colleague and I had different bosses, who hated each other. I screwed up a task, but the screw up was caused by rushed and faulty information provided to me by the senior colleague. The two bosses used this screw up to go after each other. I was fired, and my boss was forced to retire. Important lesson learned: it’s not always about who’s right, it’s often about who is more powerful.

      30 years and five jobs later, I still get anxious when my boss closes her door.

    • Anon

      Yes, early in my legal career. I was wrecked. Looking back, it was just a mismatch in skillset between the firm I was at and the things I am good at, but man at the time I cried for two months. I’d billed 2400 hours the prior couple years and given up every holiday and weekend trying to prove myself. I was so embarrassed and actually cried the first couple times I interviewed after the termination.

      In the end, everything worked out. I found a temp job to pay the bills after 3 months, and within 6 months found a new niche where I’ve been tremendously successful the last 15 years and I’m now a director with 250 direct and indirect reports. But at the time, it was rough. By then I’d been though a parent’s divorce, my own divorce, losing a sibling to cancer, parents alcoholism and mental illness – but there was something uniquely devastating about losing something that was within (or at least, I had the perception was within) my control. I didn’t bounce back or regain self-esteem until I’d found a replacement job, and even now I feel some sadness and regret that I couldn’t figure out how to make it work.

    • Anonymous

      I have been — most recently in the past year which helps because everyone was getting laid off. I have been laid off earlier in my career as well mostly due to personality differences. I made sure to document any issues and saved every performance review/ positive interaction in case it came up. Otherwise, I think good references matter the most when moving forward.

  8. Anonymous

    I’m looking for tips to handle “urgency” from direct reports and staff. Essentially, I try to be an available person when I’m in the office. However, as my client face-time and phone-time continues to increase, I need to spend the free time I have in the office on substantive work each day. I’m finding that the people stopping by my office with questions (or my biggest pet peeve, to stop and tell me that they sent me an email, did I see it), phone calls and emails with question (a lot of what the associate or staff person should be able to figure out by reading the file, not necessarily my preference) are consuming a lot of my work time.

    I try to go through emails either in the evening after my children are asleep or the next morning before starting work and then not address them again until lunch time. But, I’d appreciate any other tips you have for establishing some office work routines and balancing availability v. necessity to get my work done.

    • Cb

      I wonder if reserving an hour for “office hours” might cut your email volume. If between 1-2 most days you were available, people could come and talk to you. I think it’s so easy for people to shoot off an email with a question, and if they knew they had to wait for the next day for a response, they might be more likely to look first before emailing you.

      • helloanon

        This is a good idea. Or if your schedule is too variable to set aside the same time on a regular basis, just have a conversation with your direct reports around expectations: try to find the answer in the file and if you can’t, send me an email. I’ll respond within X time. If something is truly urgent, call me.
        I would also close my door during head down times and block that time in my calendar. Put a sign on the door that says come back later if people can’t take a hint. In my remote workplace, colleagues will do this on slack or teams as well – their status says something like “on a deadline, responses delayed.”

    • Pippa

      Use 1:1 time with direct reports and staff to specifically communicate and manage this issue. Train them. It may be a bit more effort at first but will be worth it. Clearly communicate to them your reply patterns as stated in your post here. Ask for feedback and listen. Are you holding them back from moving forward with their work in some instances? If so, can you set more guidelines for them within which they can make decisions without your specific input? Junior reports may need more frequent replies than senior reports. Or junior reports may need you to spell out where they may exercise their independence.

      • anon

        +1 to use 1:1 time to tell people what works best for you and what kinds of things you want them to check with you on.

        When I was a junior reporting to very senior people with packed calendars, I learned to make a list of questions and save that list for when I could find time with the senior people, rather than email, for most questions. For super busy folks, it really helped if they had an assistant managing their calendar who could help me find time.

        It also helped that the senior people really trusted my judgment and I knew I wouldn’t get scolded for not running something I hadn’t anticipated being an issue by the senior person. It’s pretty much impossible to work for someone too busy to answer lots of questions if they’re unpredictable in what they want.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like you have too much substantive work. If you are not able to respond to your direct reports’ e-mails in a timely fashion and they feel it necessary to stop by to remind you, you are preventing them from moving forward and getting their own work done. Your most important tasks as a manger are supporting and responding to your staff and your clients. If you can’t find a way to do that, you need to delegate more of your substantive work.

    • Anonymous

      The tricks are to be more responsive and to give your staff more freedom to make their own decisions.

    • Anon

      I think it may be more concerning that you seem so pressed for time. I think it’s normal to expect your boss to check email more than once during the workday and to be able to stop by with questions. Can you reassign some of your work?

    • Anonymous

      Do you expect your staff to respond to e-mail more often than twice a day? Do you expect them to be available whenever you drop by with a question? Asymmetrical expectations, where you expect your staff to be immediately responsive to you but you do not give them the answers they need for hours (or days or weeks), will cause you a lot of problems.

    • Anonymous

      Oh boy. If this is your approach I guarantee your best people are out looking for jobs.

      • Anon

        I disagree. Her best people are able to work independently. The people who need hand holding constantly are not your best people, ever.

        • Anonymous

          I was an extremely valuable employee and left because my boss wouldn’t deal with essential requests that required approval for weeks or months, causing me and the organization to lose out on proposal opportunities etc. Needing your manager to do their job is not the same as requiring constant hand-holding.

          • Anon

            That is not what OP is saying. She is saying she may get to the request in a few hours, not drop everything and do it right this second.

      • Anecdata

        This very much depends on what the job is, but I agree – at least in my world, if I was regularly in a position where I couldn’t move a project forward without input from my boss more than twice a day(!), I would be looking to leave because that means either I’m working for a micromanager, or I’m working for someone who can’t describe a projects goals accurately enough that I can make those judgement calls about how to achieve it myself.

        If it’s stuff you think they can find out themselves (eg. read the file), you have to tell them that, and stop answering their questions in the moment when they interrupt you.

    • Anonymous

      You can’t check e-mail at night and lunch and that’s it. Of course they are stopping by you are wildly unresponsive

    • Anon

      It sounds to me like you haven’t learned to delegate and you’re keeping work you shouldn’t be doing anymore. As you move up, your job is to respond to your team and answer questions, your overnight approach is untenable. I’d take a hard look at the work you’re doing. If someone who reports to you can do it too, you need to let it go and have them do it.

    • Anon

      People can’t wait all day for a response to an email. My suggestion is to work for the first 45 minutes of the hour and then spend the next 15 responding to email, stopping by to check on people, etc. Most people with multiple reports do their focus work at off times, like late afternoon or evening

    • Anon

      I have a very set schedule and make sure it’s very communicated to my staff:

      I check my email at 8 am, 12 pm and 4 pm and will respond during that time. If they need a more urgent response then that they need to message me. I’m usually in meetings so they should only pull me from one if it’s a top level emergency. I’m quick to ask they email me if they ask a non-urgent question (we’re in a business that requires a lot of documentation so the paper trail is necessary anyway). I take a lap in the office mid-afternoon to get face to face time and answer anything that comes up.

    • smurf

      answering emails only once during biz hours would not fly at my office, even more so if you’re a manager. That can cause huge delays if you’re waiting on an approval or feedback from your boss! I think you need to 1) equip and train your team to look for answers themselves first 2) delegate so you can be more responsive

    • anon

      Set Monday touchpoint meetings with your reports. Go over the upcoming week, and also what they will need your input on. It seems mirco-manage-y but it really does help to be prepared to know, hey on thursday we have this big thing to be on the look out for. Set clear expectations on what is an emergency, and how to get ahold of you if it is. Finally, sometimes it’s good to have discussions with managing up. Worked with someone that was stretched way too thin and learned that if it is urgent, you need to use a subject line of “READ ME, NEED RESPONSE BY 3” and if it’s not, sometimes the email is informational (I am going to do this) rather than permission.

      • Anonymous

        This is an example of a manager who is focused too much on the people above her and not at all on the people below her. A good manager understands the priorities above her and advocates up, but her primary focus is the people below her.

    • Anon

      Thank you for posting this! I feel this way often and appreciate the advice here too. I am planning to address the lack of problem-solving skills soon with specific examples of why are you asking me for information that I already told you where to look 3x and clearly you are not taking the time to actually *look* before asking again. Working independently and problem solving are skills they can improve… or not…and then next steps are more punitive.

    • Cat

      practical- laptop
      beautiful- trip to Tiffany to pick out earrings for First Real Job
      inexpensive and super touching- mom made me a recipe binder with copies of all my favorites from growing up

      • Anon

        My sister made us recipe books from one of those online companies. It’s filled with recipes from family holidays, etc. She included cute photos of the family in it and we all still use it. Best gift ever!

    • Z

      Five thousand dollars from my grandfather. I realize how lucky that was.
      I had no money and it helped me so much in paying for stuff as I was finishing school and moving to a new city to start my career.

    • job anon

      a useful gift I was given that was less expensive than some of these was a quality samsonite carryon size rolling suitcase and some packing cubes. I was starting a new job that included some traffic and it was great to have an “adult” suitcase

      • Anon

        Came here to say the same thing. Black TravelPro carry-on bag that looks sleek and grown up. In college I felt like a child using my family’s ancient magenta suitcase (my parents insisted on a loud color that stands out)

      • Pep

        I received a full set of Samsonite from my parents for my HS graduation, and my younger sister received a full set of American Tourister when it was her turn to graduate. I used that luggage for YEARS.

        My baby brother received a car.
        :-/

    • OOO

      Lodis passport holder, Lodis business card holder (these were gifts from two different people, guess Lodis was having a moment at the time, but I still love both gifts), portfolio, nice watch with a gift receipt so I could exchange it for my preferred watch style.

    • Anon

      Money. Moving to a new location for a job is stupidly expensive if you’re footing the bill yourself.

    • Anon

      Graduation gifts aren’t a big thing in my family, but I received a US Silver Dollar from the year I graduated high school from a family friend. It’s probably the only gift I still have from high school graduation.

    • Anon

      For college graduation I didn’t get a gift from my parents, but a few months later when I moved to DC for work they helped me financially: paid my portion of tbd deposit on our apartment and bought me a bed.

    • Anonymous

      This is not for duplication, but my school store has a chair with the school crest. I mentioned I like it to my mother, but it is stupid expensive. She bought a different kind of chair and applied a school seal sticker to it. Very thoughtful and I used that chair for a long time.

    • Anon

      High school graduation wasn’t really a ‘gifting’ occasion in my family. For college graduation the coach wristlet and coin purse/card holder I used until they practically fell apart.
      Otherwise cash was what I needed the most and what almost everyone gave.

    • No Problem

      -Luggage from my aunt for high school graduation
      -A nice Coach tote bag from my brother for college graduation
      -A very nice watch from my parents for grad school graduation (I picked it out)
      -Money from anyone for any graduation

      • Anon

        This is a great idea, I received a very nice watch after graduating and recently passed it down to the only niece in my family when she graduated college (first in her family!).

    • Anon

      This is going to be the most prep school WASP thing I’ve ever said :)

      For my high school graduation I really wanted one of the wooden captains chairs with the school crest on it – these were the chairs we used around the Harkness table in our classrooms. My parents instead got me an original painting of our school’s boathouse (I rowed in high school and college).

      For college, I got money and/or assistance buying things I needed for the future: work clothes, furniture and kitchen supplies for my apartment, and money to help finance my move to NYC (specifically, paying the brokers fee and deposit for my apartment).

      I’m graduating graduate school in August (I’ve been going part time for a while) and I don’t expect a gift, but I plan on getting myself something nice. My 30th birthday is two weeks before graduation, so I’ll get myself two nicer things or one very, very nice gift.

      • Anon

        I love the idea of a boathouse painting! I have a thing for the aesthetics of old New England boathouses.

        • Anon

          I’m 42 and this is the first time I’m learning that those oval seminar tables with executive chairs around them have a proper name! I do a lot of events and they’re usually just called the ‘executive boardroom’ tables though I guess in schools that would be a bit weird.

        • Anon

          It’s a pretty common teaching method in private schools. Focus is on student lead discussion and exploration of the material rather than lecture. Features a small class around an oval table with the teacher there to facilitate learning. They can be used for any subject but are most common in the humanities.

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harkness_table

    • Anon

      For graduation gifts, my high school boyfriend gave me a photo album with our HS name from those mall kiosks. Otherwise…flowers?

    • Anonymous

      For high school graduation, a judge’s wife (whom I had never met) gave me earrings. I still have them. My mom had to explain to me why a stranger was giving me a gift. I guess she got a list of the females who were in the top 10% of our class and gave us each a gift. It made me feel like I was going somewhere; like I could be more than just a housewife. Maybe that’s cheesy but I had an effect on me.

      • Work Phone

        I love that!
        A friend’s mom gave me a pretty bracelet for my HS graduation. It was unexpected and really lovely.

    • Anonymous

      A car (a 16 year old hatchback). I’m so thankful I didn’t have to figure out how to afford a car and deal with a car dealer as a fresh faced college graduate starting over in a new town. I kept it for 5 years at which point the car finely died and I bought myself a nice 2yo sedan.

        • Anonymous

          It was great. My parents bought it from some friends for $1k, which is $1900 in 2024 dollars. I have no idea what something comparable would cost now.

      • Anon, too.

        Mmmm. We bought our son a used car in 2015 when he was in high school and it could break down any day, before he finishes grad school in May or gets a full time professional job in his field. I expect him to make a decent salary but we are considering gifting him my 10 year old car and I’ll get something new. Not really a graduation gift but just practical so he has wheels.

    • Anon

      Cold , hard cash. I was absolutely broke when I graduated college. This story will out me, but the night before graduation, I went out to celebrate with friends. I somehow lost my house key. When I got home, I was drunk and it was midnight. I had no cash on me, and nothing in my account. I needed a locksmith though, because my graduation gown was in my apartment! My friends and I called a locksmith, and as he was working on the lock, I was ripping open graduation cards from my grandmother and aunts and doing mobile deposit on the checks so I could pay the locksmith. Luckily, enough money from the checks deposited real-time and I paid him. Let’s just say I’ve come a long way since then, haha.

    • Anon

      For me it was a tie between:
      1) Bath towels with my name embroidered on them. Was convenient while living in dorms or sorority house.
      2) Someone gave me a small tackle box with misc. essentials (aka Band-Aids, basic office supplies, a basic multi-tool, rubber bands, etc.) Things I would associate with a catchall drawer in a house that a younger person going to college might not think to buy right away.

    • Pep

      A family for whom I babysat daily not only attended my 1982 high school graduation, but gave me a beautifully bound thesaurus and a gold chain necklace with a gold key charm. (I had always kept a key to their house to let myself in.)

      The mom and dad were college professors and I watched their kids every day after school.

      • Anon

        1982 shoutout! I got a dictionary from my parents’ best friends. No necklace though. :)

    • Anon

      cash and the tool box with tools i thought was silly as an 18 year old graduating high school, but was actually quite useful

    • Anon

      Not the most exciting or special, but the laundry basket I got for HS graduation finally fell apart this year – I’m 41. The one my husband got for his graduation is still in regular use.

    • Seventh Sister

      One of the best (at least in terms of how long I’ve used it) was a desk clock from my aunt and uncle engraved with my name and graduation date. They aren’t necessarily the best (or most generous) gift-givers but it was surprisingly tasteful and useful. Looks a bit like this:

    • Anonymous

      I was a nanny the summer after high school graduation for a lovely family. They gave me a Tiffany & Co charm bracelet with an engraved charm for my college graduation. I wasn’t into charm bracelets (and still am not 20+ years later), but I loved and still treasure the gift.

  10. Headshot Tips?

    My job is providing free headshots at work in the next few weeks and I’d like to update mine.

    What’s your go-to look for a headshot photo? Do you tend to wear color, accessories, etc?

    I’m graduating from my phd soon and will be aiming for mid-level jobs in both academia and industry. I look pretty young for my age (I’m 33) so any tips that make me look more mature but not “dated” is welcome!

    • Anon

      I’m in law, but my advice would be to not wear a dark colored suit with a white blouse. On my firm’s website, the only women wearing that are first year associates and it makes them look younger than they are. More experienced professionals are wearing dresses with interesting necklines, color (eggplant, spruce, and cobalt are popular), jewelry, and lip color!

    • Anon

      Wear a jacket and a lipstick that’s a shade or two darker than you typically wear.
      An updo will also age you, but make it a bit loose if you’re going this route. Don’t do a tight bun. Hair down will look more approachable.

    • Anon

      I went with a solid colored top/dress with ‘interest’ around the neckline. Something with a conservative neckline/sleeves as I didn’t want to look half dressed if the photo was cropped oddly. I got a blowout and wore a bit more makeup than normal but nothing crazy. I always opt for small classic jewelry – pearly drops/gold knot studs/diamond studs/etc.

      • anon

        i’m a lawyer and in mine i am wearing a white button down with a statement necklace. decided against a blazer feels so corporate and dated to me at this point. agree. more make up the you normally would wear, i wore my hair down but had it blown out, nicely done. i feel like hair back and a suit is a caricature of how women used to dress, like wearing gloves and a hat must have looked by the late 60s.

        • Anon

          Hard agree. Almost nobody in my firm wears a proper suit in their headshots any longer. Even the most senior male partners wear a blazer, button down, and jeans/slacks – ties are pretty rare. The women almost always wear a silky blouse or an ‘interesting’ dress (Akris, Chanel, Fold, something with a print, a fun element, a color, etc.).

          • Cat

            +3

            Something like The Fold is way more “mid or senior career” than a blouse & jacket.

    • Anon

      I didn’t do this specifically for my photo, but I had recently gotten a lash lift and my lashes looked amazing in mine.

    • Anon

      I do jewel toned blouse, minimalist necklace and earrings, natural eye make up and darker lips.

    • Anon

      My best headshot was one where I was wearing a knit sweater jacket type thing. The fabric draped well and didn’t bunch around the shoulders. I was wearing a dark color wrap blouse so the neckline wasn’t up around my neck, and the sweater jacket was a slightly (slightly) more vivid color.

    • Anon

      My signature eye is minimal eyeshadow and cat eye eyeliner. Well, I did my eyeliner too thick for my picture and it looks like my entire eyelid is black! Don’t make my mistake.

      • Anon

        That is an eye makeup look tied to a particular era. I don’t recommend anything like that for a headshot, for others reading.

        • Anon

          Respectfully disagree. Keep your makeup similar to how your normally do it, so you look like yourself.

    • Anonymous

      This is the time for a professional blowout (if that’s a thing that makes your hair look good).

      Do your own makeup, maybe with a slightly heavier hand.

  12. Anon

    Anyone following the turmoil at NPR? It was in the New York Times this week after the initial bombshell piece in the Free Press. Looks like NPR is circling the wagons and has suspended the editor in question, which seems to be an extreme defensive move. Seems like it would be better to learn from this event – if I had a trusted 25-year veteran report institutional bias, I think I would listen.

    • Anon

      I’m there with you. I balance my NPR with the WSJ.

      Agree that the news is very polarized and NYT’s story was that the youngest hires are really struggling that there are other points of view than theirs, especially when you are not in the opinion / editorial page. I see that where I work also.

      • Anonymous

        I have also seen that from inexperienced new hires, mostly the ones who went straight through college and grad school with parental support and never had a real job or faced real-world issues. No, this is not a “kids these days” rant. In the past the new hires were usually smart enough to realize that they had learning and maturing to do. In the past few years they have been increasingly strident and have begun to feel more and more empowered to make ridiculous claims and demands.

        • Anon

          Agree that I had jobs in high school where I worked along adults holding those jobs as their jobs, which was eye-opening in a way that a good public school education would never be (so double that for anyone who went to a private school). I also knew people who enlisted in the military right out of high school or went into jobs and trades. I am not sure that the hires know all of that. Older-school news people know that there are many world out there beyond theirs. I think now we see a lot of keyboard warriors but the don’t seem interested in doing things like covering zoning boards and permitting because they really just want to stick it to the man or rant about urban planning (more transit! more transit is great, but maybe consider all workers and all types of jobs) and not on basic issues like workforce housing where a lot of people work in trades needs parking.

        • Anon

          I feel like this is a phenomenon with every younger generation. I don’t have a lot of direct reports now, but I used to regularly manage new hires right out of college. They were all impatient to get promoted quickly, constsntly questioned how things were done, and wanted to immediately change how things were done before they even had the experience to understand why they were currently done the way they were.

          We also dealt with a lot of impatience about doing what they perceived of as repetitive tasks – you know, entry level stuff. Them: “I did that last quarter, I want to do something new this quarter.” Me: “this was my task for two years when I was a new hire, and you did it wrong last quarter, so you still have more to learn about it.”

          In case you think I’m talking about Gen Z here, most of my experience as a manager of new hires was being a manager to Millenials. I’m Gen X. Im sure my Boomer manager at my own entry level job had plenty of complaints about me too!

          • anonshmanon

            I agree with this. There are good examples where newer generations question the status quo and I appreciate them for it, and then there are occasions where I’d say they overshoot and fail to take a nuanced view. Probably something every generation and every individual goes through, I certainly continue to experience both.

    • Anonymous

      My husband and I are both on the progressive end of the spectrum and we haven’t been able to stand NPR for the past few years because it has veered so far to the extreme left. Certain issues are pushed to the forefront at the expense of other very important news that is glossed over or just doesn’t get reported at all. Case in point: a search of the NPR site yields zero coverage of the NY Phil s**ual assault scandal.

      • Anon

        I agree with this take. There are some stories that just aren’t being covered at all even as other liberal papers begin to dip tentative toes in, namely cross-sex hormones and their dangers for minors. That’s a bombshell story if I ever heard one (just look at the UK media in the last week), but as far as I know, NPR has never seriously grappled with it. I agree with Berliner’s assessment that a strong bias could pass muster at a proudly ideological private news company, but not at NPR.

        • Anon

          I hate to say it, but the DM at least covers stuff. I get the feeling that NPR is afraid to even touch some topics because it offends some canon.

      • anon

        I’m sorry, but if you find that NPR has “veered so far to the extreme left” in the “past few years” you’re probably not on the progressive end of the spectrum. It’s an extremely middling American news outlet with mouthpiece coverage of foreign policy and it really hasn’t changed much at all. Likely you’re just getting older and shifting to the right — it’s a well understood pattern.

        • Anon

          Tell me you haven’t read the expose without telling me you haven’t read the expose…

          • anon

            The “expose” meaning Bari Weiss interviewing a disgruntled old guy unhappy NPR was doing DEI initiatives and not covering — *checks notes* — Hunter Biden’s laptop and lab leak theories? Either you’re overly credulous or you’re cynical. I don’t really care what you believe, but the “I’m a progressive, but I’m outraged that X outlet isn’t doing wall-to-wall coverage of the latest right-wing grievance” bit is boring and tired. Just admit you’re a right-winger and move on.

          • Anon

            anon, your attitude is the precise problem being discussed – unwillingness to explore newsworthy stories based on ideology, adherence to the party line whatever the evidence says, lack of intellectual curiosity. These are real, legitimate issues that a publicly funded broadcaster needs to grapple with. Impartial reporting and high journalistic standards should be shared goals for all of us, wherever we fall on the political spectrum. Where we fall doesn’t actually matter.

          • Anonymous

            +1000 at 216. Sick of people pretending they’re not right wing but repeating right wing nonsense.

          • Anon

            Intercept had some good reporting on the natural origin consensus (that is not really a consensus). It’s not just some RW thing.

          • Anon

            I feel like at some point, the extremes come around and meet, if not cross each other.

          • Anon

            Reciting a party line without any actual investigation is a thing that media can do but isn’t news or journalism. Defining party lines as the reasonable center is going to make anything else look extremist, and if the party line is wrong than anyone who is right will look extremist no matter what their political views are.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t understand how it’s right-wing to want NPR to cover things like the NY Phil story. If they are a news organization they need to report on all the news.

          • Anonymous

            I think we found the junior NPR reporters at 12:16 and 12:42. Closed-minded, one-sided, accusatory, and just plain wrong.

        • Anonymous

          No, actually we have become more liberal as we’ve gotten older. At the same time the so-called liberals have actually become less open-minded and intellectually liberal.

          • Anon

            This reads like “my views MUST be liberal because I think of myself as liberal” so anyone who has differing beliefs cannot be liberal.

      • anon

        +1 A real news outlet should aim to cover all the noteworthy events that are happening in the world using primary sources where possible. I want coverage of the war in Sudan, audio clips of oral arguments at the Supreme Court instead of second-hand commentary, and updates on criminal trials that aren’t connected to Trump. In short, I want the news and it’s increasingly harder to find it.

      • anon

        First coverage of the philharmonic scandal was in NY Mag. Not sure how it became important news that is being glossed over because of some imaginary left wing agenda

        • Anonymous

          After NY Mag broke the story the NYT and other major news outlets picked it up. It’s all over social media. It’s an example of NPR’s choice not to cover women’s issues as women’s issues, and an example of its total ignorance of major news.

    • Anon

      A disgruntled editor dropping this bomb just as the new, younger, female, CEO is taking over? Seems too much of a coincidence and done intentionally to bring the far right trolls (Rufo et al) out of the woodwork.

    • Anonymous

      I stopped financially supporting NPR when Roe fell and they couldn’t bring themselves to use the word women in their reporting. Not surprised that this is how they react to criticism.

      • Anon

        Couldn’t agree with you more. Turning women into a dirty word has been a massive mistake. I fight against it at work as much as I possibly can and I’m proud to say it’s made a difference in our publications. I refuse to pretend that sex doesn’t exist and that anti-abortion laws aren’t motivated by misogyny.

      • Anon

        I keep NPR on at work and just cannot with the uniformity of their use of pregnant person. It’s the one that jumps out at me, but it’s such an odd hill to die on. I’d understand if they were talking about persons with br3ast cancer, since that is mostly in women but I’ve known a man who had it, but there is inclusive and then there is OMG just please stop with it.

        • Anonymous

          It’s just so strange that the right and the left seem to be working together to erase women.

          • Anon

            The way to fight back is to say women more. Someone says to you “all pregnant people deserve to be treated with respect?” You respond with “I agree, women have long dealt with so much sexism and disrespect from medical professionals.” You don’t need to be inflammatory. You just need to reintroduce clarity and refuse to play along with BS.

        • Anonymous

          I kinda feel like…you’re the one dying on this hill? Like there’s a group of people who want to protect pregnant women and pregnant people who might night identify that way and there’s a group of people who are actively harming both groups. And im supposed to see them as the same? I find the inclusive language clunky but I’m not confused as to which group actually means me harm.

        • Anonymous

          I have a coworker whose husband just had their second baby, meaning he carried the baby and birthed it (he is a trans man). He took a leave from absence from work because being a pregnant man while teaching middle school would be a nightmare. Honestly it sounded like he didn’t leave the house a lot at all during his pregnancy due to harassment. I get that misogyny is a huge problem, but trans people have all kinds of struggles that I as a cisgender woman can’t even begin to imagine.

          It also is odd to me that some people think the NY Phil story should be all over the national news. I’m a New Yorker and work in the arts, and even to me it seems like a very local story.

      • Anon

        I also hate AFAB. We didn’t count off evens and odds in the delivery room and all evens went to the girl team and the odds went to the boy team. I hate passive voice and also how this phrase comes from wanting to make something seem to be from a neutral point of view when I find it factually dishonest.

        • Anon

          There was a great opinion piece in the New York Times about this just recently – “A Person’s Sex is Not Assigned.” As we all know, it’s determined at conception.

          • Anon

            We also know they get it wrong (for example, when they make their best guess but fail to predict future puberty accurately).

  13. Bermuda!

    Bermuda recs? Hoping to take a quick trip to Bermuda and bring our 8 year old along for the first time. She’s a pretty strong swimmer and is excited about the possibility of snorkeling. Any recommendations for kid-friendly places to stay (that are also nice for adults!) or first time snorkeling spots? Or lessons? Thanks!

    • Anon

      I haven’t been, but I would love a report back! We’re planning to go next year when our kid will be 7.

    • Flats Only

      I was there on a cruise a few years ago, and to kill a few hours we rode the ferry that goes from Hamilton around to all the little stops in the Great Sound. It was a fun way to spend a nice afternoon and see some of the little out of the way places.

    • Anon

      If your budget allows, I’d say stay at the Fairmont Southampton Princess. I don’t have kids so I stay a lot more casually when I go, but a couple I know with three young kids stayed there and loved it. They should have kid’s activities and also great off-property suggestions.

      I am personally no help bc my Bermuda MO is to get the bus driver to drop me off at their favorite no frills beach so I can stay away from the tourists lol

      I love Bermuda – been six times! I hope you have a great trip.

    • Cat

      is there a specific reason for Bermuda? Or do you want a quick flight from the US and open to other islands? Turks & Caicos – specifically the main built up island where the airport is, PLS – is super easy, lovely snorkeling (some by boat, some wading in), and easier to navigate IMHO. we prefer being more self-sufficient travelers (rental car, cooler, own beach chairs in the trunk so we can set up where we please) and Bermuda was not a great match for us.

      • Anon

        There was discussion of this on the moms page today, but the airport is Turks and Caicos is awful and getting worse. It’s just absolutely unequipped to handle the recent tourism load. I haven’t been to Bermuda but the Turks and Caicos airport is probably the worst airport I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been to a lot of Caribbean islands, so I’m familiar with island airports that aren’t super modern). I strongly advise against that island unless you have a burning desire to see something specific there. We love the Beaches resort and it’s perfect for elementary age kids, so we’ll go back there for that, but otherwise we much much prefer going to other Caribbean islands.

        • Cat

          Interesting. Wonder if that holds true off-peak. If the OP is looking into Bermuda I’m assuming mid-summer travel, which is still beautiful weather throughout most of the Caribbean but way lower tourism volume.

          • Anon

            Yeah I think it would probably be better off peak. I’m still wary of recommending the island to people though, especially people with kids, because the airport is such a clusterf*ck.

            I’m also just not a huge fan of TCI in general. The beaches are nice but there’s not a whole lot else to do and I personally find the hilly islands like the Virgin Islands, Antigua, St. Lucia and St. Martin more naturally beautiful. But everyone has different preferences.

  14. Anon

    I had previously posted about interviewing while pregnant, and people were very encouraging! I’m about 11 weeks pregnant now and in the midst of doing virtual interviews. At what point should I disclose I’m pregnant and will need to take leave in early Nov.? After a job offer? Before?

    I’m asking about benefits, broadly, during the interviews, but I’m not expecting to receive any paid leave as a new employee. Fortunately my state offers paid leave (not great-about 25% of my salary-but better than nothing).

    • Anon

      Don’t lead with “I don’t expect paid leave.” I have a friend who got a new job, worked there one week, and then went on paid leave for three months. Don’t close off that opportunity.

    • Anon

      After a job offer, never before. A decent employer will roll with it and if they are cold/weird/aggressive to you about not disclosing before that’s something to file away for how long you want to stay there.

    • EWF

      In the course of my career, I have (a) come off of maternity leave directly into a new job that had better work/life balance for my new family (no travel, where previous job was consulting/travel-heavy); and (b) interviewed while visibly pregnant. For scenario b, I received confirmation that I would be entitled to full FMLA/maternity leave benefits as part of my offer, even though I would have only worked at my employer for three months by the time I left to deliver my baby. The interview process was nerve-wracking because I didn’t want to lose out on a job due to pregnancy; at the same time, my friends reminded me that if they didn’t hire me b/c I was pregnant or didn’t offer up the benefits I needed, then it wasn’t a place I wanted to work anyway.

      Go forth with confidence, and negotiate once you get an offer!

      • Anon

        Thanks for sharing your experience! The jobs I’m interviewing with would likely start in May/June, so that would give me 6ish months before leave. I agree with your friends – if they don’t want to accomodate a leave, it’s not the place for me.

    • Anon

      After the job offer, negotiate leave as part of your package, expect whatever is given to more established employees.

      • Anon

        Also- in the past 5 years I’ve twice hired key positions who revealed pregnancies shortly after starting. They’re both fantastic. 3 months of leave is a blip for our company and hugely important for new parents. Don’t for a second accept anything less than your full leave or feel guilty about it. Congratulations!!!

        • Anon

          Thank you for the congrats and for sharing! It’s good to hear the hiring side.

  15. anon

    How do you all store necklaces? I currently have mine in a narrow dresser drawer, and it’s not really working. I think I need a hanging solution so I can see everything, chains don’t get tangled, etc.

  16. RiskedCredit

    Thank you for the replies to my questions yesterday on a default hearing and what to expect.

    I am officially divorced! #freedom

    • Anon

      Congratulations!!

      My soon to be ex filed yesterday (I wanted the divorce; he insisted on filing, likely because he has an incredible need to be in control). I am hoping that whatever is on the other side isn’t worse than this.

      • RiskedCredit

        Honestly, the fact he needs to be in control is a red flag I don’t recommend you ignore.

        My ex husband has a very strong need to be in control. He has a girlfriend and you would think he’d be moving on. My car is tracked, I’ve had people remove things from my home and my youngest child screamed at me ‘Daddy’s right, you are a motherfu**er’.

        I’ve used my health insurance to access therapy for myself and the children. I did coparent therapy with him which lasted 5 months. The therapist kicked him out because he kept lying. I highly recommend using a very good therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil and then also putting the children into therapy too.

        I don’t think my experience is unique but I do think it’s on the more crazy side. My ex husband has been very smart with using 3rd parties to harass me so I’m not able to prove it’s him. The courts don’t understand emotional abuse at all.

        • Anon

          My best to you.

          Yeah, the need to control is why we are splitting. Won’t say much more because I will be useless at work the rest of the day if I think about it too much.

        • Anonymous

          I’m so sorry about the manipulation of your youngest child. It’s a special brand of low to try to turn children against their mother. Your kids will be ok and they will eventually understand what is going on.

    • Anon

      Congratulations! I remember when you posted about it a few weeks ago, and it sounded like a very stressful situation.

  17. Anon

    I prefer small wired earbuds at work that connect me to my zoom, but the cord on my apple ones don’t allow me to stand at my standup desk (ie I have to sit down). Does anyone have a specific reco for longer wired earbuds?

    • anon

      My bose over ear headphones have a pretty long cord. Their in-ear buds might as well.

    • Anonymous Canadian

      You can also get a longer extension cable for headphones. They come in varying lengths. We had one for wired headphones for our TV mounted in front of our treadmill. However, I have embraced bluetooth ones that are corded around my neck in recent times and can recommend Beatsflex.

  18. Anecdata

    I am one of very very few women in our hardware engineering team and… guess the genders of the three people who’ve been told they need to arrange. activities for “take your child to work day”. Asked about the discrepancy, leadership said “oh no, it has nothing to do with gender at all, I just picked the people who seemed like they would be good with kids!”

    so…
    we obviously want the kids to be safe and have a good time, and we /also/ want to fail spectacularly enough that no one ever forgets that we’re just “not good at this kind of thing”. Any ideas? Current plan is to 3D-print them all kazoos to take home with them :)

    • Anon

      I can relate. I’m in a similar situation at work, and it often means, I’m dragged into recruitment activities and promotional items. It’s not fair. I guess the only perk in this case is hopefully there might be some young girls in this group that might have a positive influence for STEM.
      Are you looking for suggestions to try to wrap in more people to the event? Try to even out the load a little more?
      For giveaways, I think the Kazoos sound fun. Does your company have other swag that kids might like? My kid gets excited excited for pretty boring promotional items. (keychains, pencils, stickers, etc.). Kids will always get excited for candy.

    • Anon.

      Oh boy.

      Are the women who were asked also childless? Do the male coworkers not have kids and ideas for this?

      I would push back.

      • Anecdata

        Why yes, 2/3 women asked are childless and yes, several of the men DO have kids but for some strange strange reason those men just didn’t come to mind for this.

        I think, probably, we’ve pushed back as much as we reasonably can on this one. But we are having fun brainstorming malicious compliance options, that’s where the “send ’em all home with kazoos” came from :)

        • JD

          For malicious compliance, just do the ask… organize the event. But… don’t run the events unless you want to keep a cool thing for yourself. Try to influence/require that men lead the sessions and loop the leader who assigned you this into it as much as possible to have to deal with kids day of. Assign the coolest activity to women and People of Color. Assign all the less cool things to male colleagues. Also, there must be some dads who would actually want to help with this.

    • Anon

      Ooof, so sorry you’re in this situation.
      No advice except that as a parent I think 3D printed kazoos would be a huge hit, not a ‘fail’ in any way shape or form.

      • Anecdata

        I’m aiming for the sweet spot of popular with the kids and unpopular with their parents

        (Because I can’t tell anyone at work this – I am actually pretty good with kids and enjoy spending time with them and LOVE introducing people to the fun parts of my job. But I am very very very careful to be sure no one at work ever knows about that – we are stuck in 1995 over here)

      • Anon

        3D print some penises since that is clearly all that will matter for future careers at your workplace.

    • Anon

      I would flat out refuse. I would also bring up the inherent sexism in the request. Yes, I have done this. Specially, when management decided to round up some of the “gals” to serve hostess duty when holding a social event in the office for our clients. Absolutely not.

      • anon

        +1million

        I would absolutely, unapologetically say no. Signed, also from a very male dominated world, and you better believe I refuse to ever take notes, bring in baked goods or do anything a man isn’t asked to do by default. No malicious compliance, as you said – just straight non-compliance.

      • Cerulean

        Yup, I would just say you don’t know what kids of this age group/ these days are into and suggest that someone who is currently parenting young children would be a better fit for this task. Why not assign it to the people who are bringing their kids in?

      • anonshmanon

        The compromise that I’ve found in the past is that you pick the activities but for the implementation you actually need more than three people so you rope in the men, and supervise/direct them while they conduct activities with the kids.

      • Anon

        Yea I’d refuse. The parents brining their kids to work are in charge of planning the activities.

    • anon

      3-D print kazoos is great!

      In addition, how about a messy project to do at their parents’ desks? Build a structure kit that includes cubes of cake, frosting, and sprinkles?

      Make and practice their own instruments out of common office materials (let them raid the supply closet) in a place that is inconvenient for the powers that assigned the women this task? Go way over budget by buying lots of KiwiCo kits?

      • Anon

        +1 Along the same line of thinking….an “easy” activity could be mentos and diet coke experiments in the parking lot. It would definitely drive some folks crazy. Kids would love it and it makes a huge mess. It would also probably really disrupt parking if an area needs to blocked of.

      • Anon

        Something something involving a little project to take home and do involving glitter.

    • Nesprin

      Add glitter infused slime and a basic noisemaker circuit to the kazoos.

      But wow that’s awful- I’m angry on your behalf. Can you ask around the male parents if anyone wants to take over for you?

      • Anonymous

        Pro tip: put the slime in a bag so the parents can’t see it. Kids will open it in the backseat on the drive home and make a huge mess

    • RiskedCredit

      No is a sentence. If you can’t say no, delegate the work to a man.

      When this happened to me I had the compliance guy deliver on my behalf. He is a theatre major and was absolutely the perfect person to keep a group of children engaged.

    • Pippa

      The spaghetti marshmello structure project is very messy. Should be a parent/child team contest against other parent/child teams (worked in parents’ offices) with prizes by age group and category so that each kid wins – goodie bags with silly putty, slime, glitter craft kits, and a suggary treat. Win this year big since you can’t opt out and then immediately start talking about how hard it will be for whoever does it next year to beat. Because obviously it won’t be the three of you, because obviously this opportunity rotates, rinse repeat.

    • anon

      Hmm I think your doctor’s appt got rescheduled to that day so you’ll be OOO. I hear Chad is planning to be onsite and has kids!

    • Anon

      Oh, the kazoos should be employed immediately and loudly. Surely next year’s organizers (men)can do better?

  19. Anon

    I’m confused about what the Berkeley Dean said about the 3L who disrupted his dinner. He said that “ My wife and I immediately approached her and asked her to stop and leave. The woman continued. When she continued her speech, there was an attempt to take away her microphone. Repeatedly, we said to her, that you are a guest in our home, please stop and leave. Our home is not a forum for free speech. Indeed, even if this were held in the law school building, there would be no First Amendment right to disrupt the event. About 10 students were with her and ultimately left as a group.”. Wouldn’t there be a First Amend right to speak at the law school because it’s a government-owned building?

    • anonshmanon

      they were not in a university building, they were in the dean’s backyard, at their private (not university provided) residence.

    • Anon

      Even the government can put some reasonable regulations on speech. The law school certainly cannot say “no pro-Palestinian speech” in general (although a private homeowner can in his own home). But it can make reasonable content-neutral regulations about where protests can take place.
      Same reason why the protestors who shut down the O’Hare freeways yesterday were arrested. Freeways are government property but you don’t have a right to stand on them and block traffic and cause people to miss flights.

      • Anon

        We clearly do a very poor job of teaching the basics of the Constitution to lay people. (And even to some lawyers given these protests, although I suspect they actually know better. They just do not think they will actually face any consequences.)

        OP – You have a right to free speech, which means the government (emphasis on government) cannot punish you for the content of your speech unless it is independently illegal (e.g. soliciting a murder, making threats, etc.). However, that does not give you the right to interrupt government proceedings or operations. So you cannot legally start screaming “Save the whales” during court proceedings, despite the courthouse being a government building. You cannot stage a protest that blocks a road (or runway). You cannot break into an area not otherwise open to the public for purposes of a protest. These protestors would not have been entitled to interrupt classroom teaching for their protests. And in no universe were they entitled to stage their protests at a private home of someone who happens to work for the university – any more than they could invade your home for the same purpose.

    • Anon

      Pretty sure you can’t disrupt anything going on in any government owned building at any time you like?

      “There was an attempt” is the weaselly agent obscuration phrasing of the day, good lord.

      • Anon

        I see you are not familiar with public housing or other government-owned properties that are not traditional public forums. See also, military bases and hospitals.

        • Anon

          My understanding is that free speech rights do not imply that you can waltz in to any government owned property and start soapboxing, and that OP’s question is silly. Are you saying that’s not correct?

          • Anon

            I feel like OP here is beyond willfully blind. Also, those law students at Berkeley have a shockingly bad knowledge of the first amendment.

          • Anon

            So embarrassing that a law school graduate would be spouting about her first amendment rights when the first amendment did not apply to her conduct, at all. Who would hire someone who spent 3 years at one of the top law schools and didn’t even learn the very basics of the constitution.

        • Anon

          It’s so embarrassing that Afaneh would challenge the professor who literally writes the books on the First Amendment. So much secondhand embarrassment for her…but apparently she was advised by one of her advocacy groups that she did have a free speech claim so it probably wasn’t all her fault. The way she reacted after the fact, though, is all on her. Very poor character.

          • Anon

            “She was advised” — by whom? She is a 3L at a top law school. Would she like to buy a bridge next?! My middle schooler could read the wiki on this and know when she had gotten bad advice and not proceed to follow it.

          • Anon

            She said it was from the National Lawyers Guild. Don’t know anything about that org but it seems like horrible advice.

          • Anon

            I’ve done Legal Observer trainings with the NLG. It’s a good NGO that I respect. We’re getting secondhand info of “NGL said it’s ok”, from someone in a moment of conflict, which I take with a grain of salt.

    • Anon

      As others have mentioned, the event was held at Chemerinsky‘s private home and no one had been invited to make speeches. I’m very curious about whether the student will be reported to the bar for a character and fitness violation. I’m not a lawyer and I don’t really know how that works, but singling out a California Jew for this protest and then trying to claim that his wife was fondling her breast and attacked her because she felt threatened by her hijab seems like it might qualify as a violation.

      • Anon

        If it weren’t feeding the trolls, I feel like there is a slander / libel suit here as well as a character & fitness problem.

        • Anon

          I agree. Calling the 77-year-old Fisk (who is herself a professor) motivated by sexual assault and anti-Muslim sentiment does seem to raise a question of libel. It’s also just insane. How stupid does Afaneh think we all are?

        • Anon

          Bad take. Obviously the point is that Chemerinsky is not Israeli and is in no way connected to Israeli government or policy. He wasn’t singled out as a valid spokesperson for Israel. He was singled out for his religion.

          • Anon

            Ha, so I am actually an Indiana Jew (not the 12:01 poster though) but I think he was targeted because he’s the dean? The student was completely out of line and obviously has a concerning grasp on the first amendment and I’m fine with her losing job opportunities, etc. as a result of this stunt, but I’m sure there are dozens of Jewish law professors at this university. I assume he was targeted because he’s an administrator, not because he’s Jewish.

          • Anon

            I’m not jewish, but I am a Berkeleyan. I’m 99% sure he wouldn’t have been targeted if his last name were Smith.

          • Anon

            He was definitely targeted for being Jewish and for making comments about supporting a two-state solution in years past. Prior to the event, the student group that Afaneh is president of, Berkeley Law for Palestine, released a poster saying “Zionist Chem [Chemerinsky] While Gaza Starves” showing a drawing of Chemerinsky with blood dripping from his mouth and a fork and knife in his hands. This version was published and later republished without the blood. Beyond the obvious blood libel connection, which would never have been done for a Christian professor, the group never explained why Chemerinsky should have any influence on the war or outcomes in Gaza. I assume they think Jews control all the money and all the politicians.

            In case you couldn’t tell, I think Berkeley Law for Palestine is pretty despicable. I hope Afaneh is expelled for her malicious targeting of a Jewish professor and Dean in his private home. I graduated from Berkeley and I know the rot goes deep. The university is currently under federal investigation for failing to respond to antisemitic incidents on campus and as if that weren’t enough, there’s at least one lawsuit in the public school system (elementary through high school) alleging frequent antisemitic harassment with no repercussions.

          • Anonymous

            Anon @ 1:11
            I take a somewhat middle perspective here. I would surmise he was targeted bc he is a Jew AND the dean, and that there is an assumption that dean’s have a platform to address the financial dealings of the university ( not that he is part of a cabal that controls ALL money). I also think the blood on the poster was meant to refer to the blood of Gazans but when the concept of “blood libel” was pointed out, the posters were redone to avoid any accusation of a reference to that, as that was not the intent and probably not a reference the creators were familiar with.
            I am guessing, as you are.
            Also – Isn’t the voice referring to the Lawyers’ Guild advice the voice of a supporter of Afaneh, not of Afaneh herself? It sounds like perhaps the voice of the person holding the camera, based on volume and clarity. Am I the only one who thinks that?

    • Anonymous

      People responding without reading is a regular occurrence here but this is egregious.

      • Anon

        I know, right!?
        Y’all…. OP knows the event was in a private home and you don’t have free speech rights in a private home. She was asking for an explanation about Chemerinsky’s quote that “Indeed, even if this were held in the law school building, there would be no First Amendment right to disrupt the event.” Which is a pretty reasonable question for a non-lawyer to ask.

    • Anon

      If you have an event, the event is usually allowed to go as planned: the people arranging the event get to choose speakers, length of time they talk, how questions are handled, etc. You generally lack a free speech right to disrupt an event you aren’t a part of. You can protest outside of it; you can hold your own event; but you aren’t given a heckler’s veto.

    • anon

      It’s been awhile since I took Constitutional Law, but I recall that a governmental body is generally allowed to enact viewpoint-neutral time, place, and manner restrictions on speech.

      To allow anyone to enter and yell on any public property at any time they’d like would make it pretty difficult to have public schools, public hospitals, a military, roads, police, legislative meetings, etc.

      • Anon

        Yup. This. They can’t say “no pro-Palestinian protests in schools” or “no protests, period” but they can definitely say “protests can’t disrupt vital public services like education, healthcare, tr*nsportation, etc.”

      • Anon

        um yes, if you haven’t looked up/read about what’s been happening in University of Michigan lately, you should. protestors are disrupting classes, libraries, etc. it seems like a really terrible learning environment and I wish they would actually hold the protestors accountable. i have to imagine if it was a bunch of people dressed like the klu klux klan they’d be quicker to act

  20. Anonymous

    Looking for beach vacation recommendations. Wish list: 8 hours or less driving from central VA, an actual hotel (not air bnb or its ilk) on the beach, good beginner surfing, not seedy. For comparison, we detest Virginia Beach and were unimpressed with the OBX. We like Melbourne Beach FL but it is too far for this trip and our usual lodging is not available. We liked Hilton Head well enough but there were no waves where we stayed.

    • Anon

      As you’ve discovered, surfing’s not really a viable activity in the Mid-Atlantic. The only option I can think of is Ocean City, MD, but it’s cut from the same cloth as VB.

      • Anon

        It’s not the best surfing, but my friends, siblings, cousins, and I all grew up surfing in Jersey and it’s fine especially for beginners. We all still surf all summer long in Jersey.

      • Anon

        My husband surfs in New Jersey. It’s not a destination, but you can surf there.

        • Anon

          Also, we camp at Assateague sometimes and surf there. If you’re into camping the facilities there are very nice.

    • Cat

      Kiawah (stay at the Sanctuary) though how rough the waves are will depend on the weather offshore.

    • Anon

      Costa Rica. Sorry, but I don’t think what you’re looking for exists on the mid-Atlantic coast.

      • OP

        That was my suspicion. We are planning to go to Costa Rica within the next couple of years but can only manage a quick trip somewhere closer this summer due to scheduling constraints. I would just fly to FL but my husband is sick of going there and doesn’t care about surfing (only our teenager and I do).

        • Anon

          It would be more than 8 hours drive for you (especially if you have to drive at high traffic times) but the Maine coast is beautiful and has tons of outdoorsy stuff to do.

    • Anonymous

      According to my office IT guy who is a huge surfer when I asked this question (as I really want to learn to surf), there aren’t really good beginner surfing beaches from basically GA to MD. I think you’ve either got to go south to Florida or north to New York, unfortunately.

      • emeralds

        +1, a friend surfs and I’ve heard him say this before. He and his wife (who is a beginner surfer) live in New York and surf the Rockaways most regularly.

        • Anonymous

          I agree with NY. In N. Fla look at St. Augustine Beach and Crescent City. They may both be outside your radius, though.

    • Anon

      Surfing in Jersey is perfectly fine, it’s not the best surfing ever but it’s totally fine especially for a beginner. However, accommodations are all house rentals; there are hardly any hotels I know of near the beach.

      • Anon

        There are hotels near the beach on Long Beach Island in NJ, simply because it is so narrow. My daughter took surfing lessons there when she was young, and the bay is great for paddleboarding and kayaking. I am partial to Beach Haven, but Shop Bottom and Surf City are both good.

    • LeeB

      Late to this, but look at Watch Hill in Rhode Island (part of Westerly). The Watch Hill Inn offers surfing lessons, or you can stay somewhere else and take lessons through one of the surfing schools.
      You could also stay in Narragansett or Newport.
      RI is a little longer than an 8 hour drive, but otherwise fits your needs.

  21. S

    Can someone explain the OJ estate thing to me? I’m not a lawyer. I just don’t understand how a court can issue a judgment and someone can choose to not pay it and the executor can openly refuse as well. If you or I were in the same position it seems like there would be a payment plan and the estate would be garnered. Or were there appeals left or something? It seemed so bold to say the Goldman family would get zero. Can you just ignore a judgment?

    • Anon

      I think his main asset was his pension, which you can’t levy against. And he was a Florida resident, so homestead exemption. You can levy on estates, but the pension vanishes at his death.

    • Anonymous

      Some assets can be garnished. Some can’t. Things change in probate. It is largely a matter of state law. We will have to see how this plays out. The executor has recanted his initial statement, which was apparently issued in haste and with emotion in response to what he felt was an inappropriately early statement from the Goldmans’ counsel within an hour of two of the death announcement.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you, commenters. That makes sense. Now that you’ve explained it, I’m guessing that’s probably why the memorabilia was such an issue (probably an asset they could go after?).

      It’s too bad there are loopholes like this. I know it’s not remotely the same. But I think of my grandma who was poorer than dirt, and every last thing she owned was used up before any support for a nursing home was available. It’s just wild to me how the courts could deem that you owe so much money, but you can still end up with basically not only little impact on your wealthy standard of living but even pass along that wealth after death. It’s also surprising to me just how long this has carried on like this.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know about her dress but you might like Modern Citizen if you like that dress. I have two similar that are workhorses and are in good condition after multiple gentle machine washes with air drying

  23. Anon

    We have rented a lovely beach home for the summer with my brother’s family for a long awaited family trip. The total cost of the house is $12,500 for a week in the summer. There are two “adult” bedrooms — both have king beds and a private en suite bathroom, but one is objectively nicer than the other (has a private balcony and better view). The other family does not follow the “planner takes the nicer bedroom” philosophy, but rather, the “nicer room pays more” philosophy, and as the person who booked the house, I am tasked with divvying up costs for the bedrooms. What is a fair split? My gut is $6,000 and $6,500 since they both have the same amenities – one is just nicer, but I’ve never made this call before, so I don’t want to send a number that feels unfair. My brother won’t give an opinion on price before or after I send the suggested split — will just take whatever we recommend and will probably take the less expensive room. Without knowing their specifics, we are probably in a slightly better financial situation, but not a starkly different financial situation. Thoughts?

    • Cat

      I’d go with a value of $100 per night for the upgraded view (think about how a hotel prices different rooms – ocean front vs ocean view vs garden view) and go with $5900 and $6600.

      • Anon

        At a luxury hotel, the price difference for an ocean view can be much, much more than $100 a night. But I agree that feels reasonable in this situation.

      • Anon

        This sounds fair to me and I’d be VERY clear next year on how to split things up. Personally if the ‘planner gets the better room’ isn’t the way your brother goes I’d stop planning it and let them do the leg work OR do your own trip.

        • Anonymous

          Agreed. Money is way more important than family. He can get on board with the correct financial arrangement or drift away.

          • Anon

            Ha! I read it as sarcasm, and I laughed — I also agree with the sentiment. Yeah, we don’t see exactly eye to eye on planning, but the trips are absolutely glorious and so important to our families, so I view it as one of the many little bumps you accept to keep a family community in tact. They’d wait until the last minute, and book the cheapest place available within some basic parameters, and I’d get annoyed that the details aren’t settled in advance and that we are spending our limited time/money sleeping in a sub-optimal house we paid a premium for at the last minute. I look way in advance to get early season discounts, spend a ton of time looking at floor plans and beach access to maximize the house we can get in budget we do have, and find something that meets a lot of specific needs, and they probably are annoyed that I am bugging them with trip details way in advance and spending more money than the cheapest option within our broad parameters and budget. I can only control myself, and I love the time with them, so I take on planning (because I’d rather go and stay in a house I love, then wait and let them plan and know I will be frustrated with what they choose, or worst case, not go at all), and try to be as respectful of their position as possible, while not devaluing the time I do spend on the process. We also tend to shoulder more of the food budget because we have been in a better position to do so, and the trip, overall, is more important than a balance sheet.

    • Anon

      That’s a 48-52 split so you’re not gouging whoever gets the nicer room. This seems fair.

      • Anon

        We will end up getting the nicer room (they are more frugal than we are, and nicer accommodations matter more to us — but I also tend to think that planner should get the nicer room), so I’m trying to make sure there is a split, but I don’t want my bias (that there shouldn’t be a split at all) to make it appear like we are not gouging ourselves/making them subsize our nicer room.

        • Anon

          Hit “post” too soon — so thanks for the feedback! Glad the numbers don’t immediately jump out as being unfair, especially since I know I’m biased going into sending the email :)

    • Anonymous

      People who don’t do planning often vastly underestimate the amount of work involved (shakes fist at DH). That said if you have more money, I think it’s reasonable to pay slightly more for the nicer room and your split seems fair. It’s a bit of the combo of the two approaches – you’re paying more for the nicer room but not that much more. Private balcony is a huge plus.

    • Anonymous

      Holy cr@p I do not understand rich people. Why would you pay $1,000 a night per family for a vacation where you have to cook and clean?!!

      • Cat

        I totally agree with you- we’ve done a few last-minute trips to FL or the Caribbean for less money than it would cost to rent a shore house. But demand is 100% there and supports these prices!

      • Anon

        I hate airbnbs and much prefer hotels, but we do this kind of trip occasionally to be with family, and it’s nice to have more togetherness (especially for the kids) than you could have in separate hotel rooms. So I get it.

        Also just because you’re staying in a house doesn’t mean you have to cook. When we stay at a rental house we typically do grab-and-go (yogurt, fruit, bagels) for breakfast, leftovers for lunch and out for dinner. You could eat literally every meal out if you wanted. Cooking isn’t required.

  24. Sasha

    In tech, had a huge app launch yesterday. I worked 7:30a-2:30a yesterday, started work today at 8a and it’s looking like similar hours for the rest of the week . I truly don’t know how the Big Law/IB/Accounting in busy season folks do this for multiple days in a row multiple times a year!

    • Anon

      Yeah I work in a public health and think about the months I spent working 100 hour weeks during the pandemic in disbelief. Not sure how I did if!

  25. Anon

    Q: teen labor rates

    The sidewalk from our garage to our front door has individual rocks – varying in sizes from baseball to personal watermelon – lining one side of the walkway. I’d like to take those stones up and replace them with the scalloped red edgers you see at home improvement stores to match the red brick of the house. The walkway is 60 ft long. What would be an appropriate price to pay a neighborhood teen to do this work?

    • Cat

      you may have luck literally getting rid of it for free if you post on a neighborhood FB group – DIY labor, free material.

      • Anon

        Yeah, whenever we post free rocks people come snap them up. The larger the better – huge rocks are apparently a hot item for landscapers.

    • Anon

      I would probably pay an hourly rate instead of a flat rate, just because I would not know the going rate for a flat rate.

      I would guess that something around $15 an hour would be a good under the table rate for a teenager, but obviously it depends where you are.

    • anon

      LOL literally read this as labor as in birth rates and was trying to connect rocks to pregnant teens

  26. Anon

    Help me strategize please! I’m about to head to a wedding in my extended family. My extremely dramatic sister and her family will also be there. I have managed to go low-ish contact with her over the last handful of years – basically Facebook friends – but now we are going to be thrown together in a situation where she has an audience, which is her favorite.

    It will turn into the Airing of Grievances where she constructs elaborate stories about how the consequences of her lifetime of bad decisions are someone else’s fault. Usually mine.

    It’s not like we are only going to be together for a wedding reception – it’s one of those whole long weekend things. I love my relative the bride so I would not let her down by not attending, but I am so dreading it all.

    Any tools or tips from those of you who have been there would be most welcome!

    PS – I don’t drink!

    • Anon

      Grey rock, and honestly it’s good you don’t drink because you won’t be as likely to get riled up and respond, which is what she’ll want.

    • Anon

      Create a list of her greatest hits beforehand. If she mentions X number of items treat yourself to a massage afterward. Have a second list of truly preposterous statements, and if she mentions any of those add a pedicure to your spa day.

      • Seventh Sister

        I literally have a checklist of the nonsense my MIL says and make a checkmark when she brings up various issues. Issues include: her ex-husband (they got divorced in the 70s), how rich they are, how hard it is to be so well-off, dieting/fat talk, how she knows everything about healthcare, etc.

    • Nesprin

      Make sure you have your own transport so you can leave whenever it becomes too much. Its worth also practicing some acceptance- she’ll do what she does, and you can’t do anything but control your own behavior. Can you practice a non-commital response like “huh, I’m sorry you feel that way” then go to the bathroom or the bar (for a soda) or otherwise leave the conversation? Can you offer to do wedding job x so you have an excuse to sneak away when she gets started? Alternatively, do you have anyone who can play bouncer/disrupter, so that if she gets started they pull you away to go look at something?

    • anon

      With awful relatives, my strategy is to be polite, even warm, but expect bad behavior and try to minimize my time exposed to it. I come up with a list of reasons to excuse myself to use liberally–refresh a drink, check on a child or elder, greet someone, look at some photos, etc.

      That said, I recently went to a funeral in which I wish I was more practiced in shutting down bad behavior. I excused myself from those who said awful things, but felt that maybe it would have been better for the directly bereaved if I had the skills to very calmly shut down nonsense instead of just removing myself. So, consider if it’s worth practicing those skills.

    • Anon

      My MIL is like this so I’m good at this dance. Is your sister like this 24/7 or does she drink and get worse as she gets drunker? In our situation, MIL’s behavior deteriorates over time in proportion to the amount of alcohol she consumes, so we deliberately plan to spend less time around her as evenings progress. She will also start drinking at lunch then slowly drink all day if she feels like that’s an option, so we avoid setting up situations where sitting around and drinking all afternoon is available. Once evening hits, I avoid her after about 8 PM.

      In terms of practical tips: can you take a long walk on Saturday morning, meet up with family for a group lunch, then claim you need to take a rest/nap before getting ready for the wedding? That would cover most of the day if the wedding starts at 5ish. The reception should be the easiest part – go dance, talk to other relatives, mingle with the crowd, don’t let yourself get stuck sitting at a table with her. Sunday, book tickets home early if you’re flying. Move your flight if you already booked. Blame flight prices. If you’re driving, you have to get home for work/dog sitter/whatever other excuse.

    • smurf

      i would just minimize time with her as much as possible. ‘oh there’s aunt Susie, I’ve been meaning to catch up with her! “Oh I need to help the bride with xyz!”. if you’re seated near her for the reception, just stay on the dance floor!

    • Anon

      I would make fun of my sister for complaining the whole time, though that is not exactly a mature way to handle it. :)

    • RiskedCredit

      You say very little.

      I use the grey rock technique with my ex husband. It’s uh-huh, mhm and eh as replies, only if necessary. If asked a direct question answer it with, we are here to celebrate x’s wedding. Let’s focus on that.

      Try to see if you can be sat on a different table for the events.

    • NaoNao

      I’d treat her like an amusing, nutty/kooky aunt or distant relative + have a handful of neutral, crisp, “BBC reporter tone” responses in your pocket like “That’s not how I recall it, but I’m not here to argue today,” “I don’t agree, but I don’t want to argue on this lovely family day” “Funny how memories can be so different, eh? Anyhow [subject change]”
      I’d also just keep refocusing on the bride/couple/groom/family “You know what, I’m here for [couple]. Let’s focus on them. We can sort this stuff out later.” (and later never comes).
      “I hear you. But let’s talk later.” (and later never comes)

      • Anon

        She tries hard to come across as the nutty/kooky aunt, saying something really bitter, then saying “I’m JOKING” (which she is not) accompanied by the high school stage play version of uproarious laughter. It’s very hard to take.

    • Anonymous

      “hmm, i don’t remember it like that but it does remind me about ‘insert ancedote'”

      I always get flustered in these moments and pre- preparing 5- 6 nice memories/ancedotes about bride/groom/their immediate families is the best way to go. Don’t be afraid to repeat the same stories.

    • Pippa

      Keep as many other people talking for as long as possible. Aunt Betty’s trip to Maine? More details, please. Cousin Diane’s new puppy? Ask to see all the pictures and videos on her phone – pass the phone around. So many people who will have stories, photos, maybe need advice… When your sister has the floor, excuse yourself to check on the bride like others have suggested.

  27. Anonymous

    I hope this isn’t too general but I have a marriage conflict resolution question. Sometimes DH will get annoyed about something I do, and I get a little defensive because I’m annoyed that he would be annoyed by the thing I did, and when I ask him what’s wrong or why is he annoyed or does he want to talk about it he clams up and insists nothing is wrong. I try to keep the defensiveness out of my tone but he knows me, I’m sure he believes it would be a fight. And sometimes he’s right it would. But sometimes he doesn’t understand my reason for doing the annoying thing and once I explain myself he gets it. And sometimes I didn’t understand his reason for being annoyed and I apologize. If we don’t talk about it then it’s really all guesswork.

    I’m not sure what to do when he refuses to talk. Even if I leave it alone and come back to it later, he’ll still refuse to talk. Should I just respect that and let it go? What do I do with my feeling of annoyance at him for being annoyed at me? Let that go too? If he’s trying to pick his battles then I think I need to respect that, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel great to feel like DH is unfairly critical of me.

    • Anon

      Hard to give this kind of advice without more specifics. Here are a couple of general principles you could consider:

      1. Are you and your husband sometimes (or often) focusing on who is right, possibly to the detriment of focusing on the quality of the relationship? If so, you are not alone — but I’d encourage you to think about how and when you will tend to the relationship.

      2. You’re acknowledging your husband may have reasons to avoid talking at times. Is there a way that you could tackle that separately from determining who was right/wrong? (“DH, I feel lonely/distant from you/anxious when you won’t talk to me for a while. When would be a good time to sit down and strategize together about how I can respect your needs in that moment and still have a sense when and how we will reconnect?”) Couples therapists often recommend a time-out if an argument is getting too heated — but the trick is to also have agreements in place about when you will reconnect after a time-out, and on what basis.

      Following to see what other people have to say…

    • Anon

      Look into pursuer-withdrawer patterns. During a peaceful time discuss with him. We’ve learned during fights I need to back off and my husband needs to share more. But it’s a team effort.

    • NaoNao

      I’d flip it. Don’t ask what’s wrong, start with your emotions. “I’m feeling defensive and criticized right now and I’m telling myself a story that you don’t like the way I did X. Am I off base here?”
      When and if he responds, you can then explain your reasoning or motivation.
      But also I think many women would benefit from letting a man just have his emotions and not having to “fix” them and make everything okay immediately or “process” every little thing. I am guilty of this myself, having my very easy going husband upset is well nigh intolerable to me, but if it’s a regular occurrence, I’d think of it like clouds or other weather “it will pass” and focus on your own stuff while he works through the minor annoyance.

      • Anon

        My soon to be ex husband didn’t let me have inconvenient or uncomfortable emotions. It broke me as a person.

    • NYNY

      Do you suspect that either one of you is depressed? Irritability is often a symptom of depression, and the dynamic you’re describing sounds like either one or both of you is pretty irritable.

      In my own marriage, I’ve found that the best policy is take him at his word. If I think DH is annoyed by something, but he says he isn’t, then he isn’t and I drop it. And drop it means I’m not annoyed with him, I’m not avoiding him, and I’m not walking on eggshells around him. I move on, and generally the moment passes. If it turns out that he does have a problem with something I said or did, that’s on him to tell me.

  28. Anon

    Has anyone dealt with an ex-spouse who, after years of abuse, becomes all sweetness and light? How did you handle it?

    DH’s XW spent years abusing the kids, DH, other family members and me. Kids would cry because “Mom yelled X at me.” As they got older, kids would say, “You know we can’t say anything about X because Mom will scream at everyone in the house for hours.” One kid told her he didn’t ever want to see her again and he would never let his (not yet born or planned) kids meet her.” Kids’ respective therapists told DH that kids would be OK because they can develop normally so long as they have one stable, steady adult and household (DH). XWtold DH, “I wish you would return to [home country] and the kids would never see you again.”

    She is the one who left. She hid assets during the divorce. She refused to have a custody schedule and, when we finally got one, refused to abide by it (I still recall DH waiting for hours for his kid to return to celebrate a holiday and kid not being returned until the next day). She called me “pagan” because I celebrate a less-observant version of our common religion. Threatened to sue us on numerous occasions. I could go on.

    Now, she is married to someone not from our religion (irony). And she is celebrating holidays with the kids, their partners, one of DH’s siblings and their kids (cousins to DH’s kids). Our kids’ partners know her only in her current iteration, and I am concerned that we look like the difficult ones for not participating on the few occasions we are invited. Kid 1’s partner of almost 2 years must think we’re the bad guys because XW seems so reasonable and “can’t we all just get along-y.”

    Open to any and all words of wisdom.

    • Anon

      You either let this go or miss out on time with kids and their families. Obviously, the kids have let it go. I think it’s 100% fine to not let it go, but you can’t be the martyr here about missing time with the kids and their families because of it.

      • Anon

        Thanks. I get that. I am having trouble accepting that, once again, she gets to do whatever she wants (then: behaving badly; now: pretending she never did it) and other people absorb the costs (then: kids and DH traumatized; now: we have to choose between looking like the ass$#(*s or pretending it never happened to us).

        I guess this is just another version of dealing with the fact that some people get away with all kinds of #&%@, and it doesn’t seem fair.

        • Anon

          yup, this is so unfair to you and i’ve been in situations like this too, mainly with my sister. but as i tell my kids, life isnt fair…though much easier to say than accept. i’m sorry you are put in this situation. i wonder if kids have told their spouses about old version of mom as it seems like a critical part of their upbringing and i can’t imagine leaving something like that out with mine

    • NaoNao

      Cary Tennis has an advice column about a much more mild version of this: search “Cary Tennis + My Ex grew her hair long for the new guy”

      I really like his advice column–it’s 10+ years old now so some things may not have aged perfectly, but it talks about this idea of working through the anger and frustration that someone changed for person X but not for you/not for a loved one.

      • Anon

        Ugh, I goggled that and want to throttle the letter writer, the ex husband. I’m not quite sure how this applies to OP’s situation, but wishing your ex wife had consented to grow out her hair and nails while you were together is very much different (and much more ridiculous) than wishing your ex wife would stop abusing her kids and your new wife.

    • smurf

      I wouldn’t worry about how you look to your kids’ partners, but to your kids. If they’ve forgiven her / decided to rebuild a relationship, I don’t think it’s your place to hold on to the past or be mad they didn’t stay no-contact.

      Are the kids actually asking you to all do holidays together? or you just think their partners must think you + husband are the reason they do things separately?

      It’s fair to hold the boundary of not doing things with XW but that does mean you get less time with the kids. Life isn’t fair!

      • Anon

        Hi. Holidays are hosted either by XW or by DH’s sibling. This time, it is DH’s sibling, and it is the first time he has invited us. We haven’t responded yet. Also, they do everything inside, no windows open, lots of people and kids, and we have an immunocompromised person in our house, so there’s that. We have been inviting kids and DH’s sibling and kids to outdoor events this whole time; kids and their partners come happily; DH’s sibling said, “We’re sick of doing things outside, so don’t ask us anymore.”

        To summarize responses: I suspect kids have dissociated and don’t remember all the misery she inflicted on them (so I can’t imagine they’ve told their partners, but I obviously don’t know). But I remember (and have the documents to prove it), and it galls me that their mom is being rewarded for doing that to her kids.

        I will look at Cary Tennis – never heard of him/her before. Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      “Our kids’ partners know her only in her current iteration, and I am concerned that we look like the difficult ones for not participating on the few occasions we are invited“

      I say this with a ton of love and understanding but you’ve got to let go of who looks like the good guys and bad guys. You do this by supporting your kids and their siblings having a good relationships with her even if you’ll never forget her past actions and you’re rightfully maintaining the healthy boundaries. Ironically, the parent who always looks good is the one not trying to make the other look bad. I’m the partner of the shy sibling. I know every ounce of drama, trust me. I’m sure your child or stepchild’s partner does too.

      • Seventh Sister

        As the partner of someone whose parents had a very-high-conflict divorce, I know that the fairly reasonable, even-tempered senior citizen in my partner’s family was quite different during the divorce and the child custody aftermath. I don’t think my other set of in-laws are a-holes for not interacting with that person.

        What I would say is that it is very, very hard for me when everyone takes the position that all holidays must be celebrated and spent with a particular group in a particular location. It makes me not want to celebrate holidays at all. The level of time and effort some of my female relatives spend trying to control who does what and when over Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, even the farking-4th-of-July is astonishing. I appreciate the relatives who don’t try and guilt-trip me about not coming on a particular day at a particular time.

        • Anon

          I hear your second point, and I appreciate it. DH’s position (I follow suit because it’s his family and his call) has always been to accept whatever the kids want. Even when, as happened many times, we had planned for a holiday celebration (many days/weeks of advance labor, sometimes not traveling so we would be home near them) only for kids to inform us with <24 hours notice that Mom had demanded they be at her house and they “needed” to go. DH always agreed because he did not want to create stress for the kids. I always figured that when they were young adults (late 20s/ealry 30s now), they would realize what had been going on. Doesn’t seem to have happened.

    • RiskedCredit

      I’m hearing that you guys have been affected by her past behavior and are struggling with that. I’d invest some time on trauma therapy for your husband and possibly for you too.

      Emotional abuse is very real and it’s not just women who are the victim. I’m sorry it’s happened to you.

    • Anonymous

      My ex and I had so much conflict that it was hard for me to believe that he could have a peaceful, good relationship with someone else. He probably felt the same about me. But we both moved on and married people who were much better suited for each of us. I have a great marriage and it appears he does as well. Sometimes people really bring out the worst in each other. Maybe she doesn’t want to repeat the same pattern in her new relationship. Or maybe she is just trying to save face or trick everyone or whatever. But I would try and move beyond what has happened and take her where she is at now.

    • Anon

      I was so struck by your first paragraph, about how someone became all sweetness and light after years of acting abusive, that I couldn’t let go of it even as I read the rest of the details. I kept wondering if she’s only acting all sweetness and light for some nefarious purpose. Is it possible that framing is affecting you in a similar way? If you resonate with the comments about re-focusing on what’s best for the kids and your relationship with them, it might help to explore re-framing. (Generic example of an alternative framing: people mature and change sometimes. I don’t hear anything about her apologizing, so I can understand how that wouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind.) I’m not suggesting that you deny your own experience here, or like this person, or even forgive her – just explore if there’s another way to navigate the current situation that doesn’t leave you feeling like this person’s presence in your family’s life has so much power to stress you out.

    • Anonymous

      My guess is the children have not forgotten but just want to move on with their lives in as easy and peaceful a way as possible. If you want to be invited to their weddings, children’s birthday parties, holidays they host in the future I would try to show up for the holidays.

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